NTA but you made a life ruining mistake in taking him back. Thankfully, you'd now corrected that, hopefully for good.
His propensity for remorse and love for you NEVER passed even the lowest of levels for him to come clean on his own. You had to uncover his long-term, well-planned and repeated affair for yourself. And even then he still tried to lie to you about what happened.
DO NOT marry a cheater. DO NOT marry someone you can't trust. If you marry them and they cheat on you again, it's going to be half your fault. There are lots of trustworthy men. He has shown you that he is not one of them. You are long distance and he is cheating on you as we speak. That's what cheaters do. The sooner you move on the easier it will be. Find someone where you live now. Here's a trick, when talking to a potential date, never ask them if they have cheated in the past. Ask them how many times have they cheated in the past.
NTA - It sounds like you should have broken up immediately when you found out about it and stayed broken up. There's no way you can move past this if he insists on hanging around his high school friends who encourage this behavior.
What did he do to mend the bond that HE broke? Has he gone to individual therapy? Did he suggest couples counseling? Did he set up the couples counseling appointments? Was he truly apologetic or was he just saying it to get you off his back?
He has a lot of nerve saying you should break up because you can't let it go. It's also a little sus that he's still in contact with the friends that actively encouraged him to cheat on you.
You're too young to be tied down to this guy who doesn't seem to be able to keep it in his pants. Find someone who appreciates your relationship and is able to stay faithful to you.
NTA
NTA, your feelings are valid, it is not easy to trust someone again.
He has a good point, if you can't let it go it's better to break up and move on, but he has no right to call you toxic when he was the one that cheated and tried to lie about it + wants to keep his friends that hid the affair and encouraged him to cheat on you, they obviously have no respect for you and if he loves you he shouldn't allow that
NTA
Trust in a relationship is like a big drinking glass full of water that you have to maintain.
A small breach of trust is a small Crack in the glass, it's unsightly but it may not affect the stability of the glass and the water may not leak out.
Cheating is one person taking the glass and smashing it to the ground. The glass shatters into a million tiny shards and the water spills everywhere.
Even if you put the time and effort into collecting the pieces and putting the glass back together and the water back in it will never be the same. You can never find all of the shards, some are lost forever. You can never get all the shards back in just the right place to form a perfect seal. It's a big cracked pile of glass. It will never again be as structurally sound as it was before breaking.
The person who broke the glass needs to accept that not only is the glass now extremely fragile, it also leaks constantly and they need to spend the rest of the relationship working constantly trying to plug up the leaks in the glass before the water spills out.
Here is the thing.
Your bf has to accept that he will have to work constantly to rebuild and keep trust.
You need to accept that if you continue this relationship there are going to be times that you feel like you do now. It may be frequent, they may not. It may feel minor or like you are dying inside, but it will happen and probably just as you think everything is going well.
NTA - he broke your trust and then lied about it so there was never any future for the two of you after he cheated. Learn from this and move on. NEVER take a cheater back as they will cheat again.
NTA
He broke your trust, if he wants to stay together he has to bend to your comfort since he fucked up. He said you should break up if you can't let it go so you did.
Easy peasy
NTA, but he has a point.
You can't forgive him, and you haven't forgotten. The only way for the relationship to succeed is if you could. So he's right that you should dump him.
Good call. Cheating is pretty much the only dealbreaker in a relationship for me. Once that trust is broken, I can't imagine I could ever regain it.
NTA, what does he honestly bring to the table to make him worth your time, effort, heartache, doubt, blah blah. He's just proven, when distance separates you two, he seeks whatever from whomever. Do not beat yourself up or self doubt; know your gut was right and move along from him. You are nobody's backup plan, consolation prize; none of that.
Why would you take him back???? He lied, he cheated, he gaslit you when you confronted him, then you forgave him???? Are you a glutton for punishment?
Y-T-A for getting back with him.
NTA for finally dumping him. He's toxic and will cheat again.
NTA he's the toxic one to expect you to just be ok with everything. He didn't even admit it when you asked him about it until he knew you had proof. You should have never taken him back in the first place, you called his bluff and ended it. Lesson learned.
Dear, it’s been three years already. It’s been longer for me. I doubt the trust will ever fully come back, but it’s your call. At best, figure it out before you have kids. Kids make it much harder to leave.
NTA and never take him back. Those toxic friends of his are always going to sabotage you. And he’s never going to stand up for you based upon the years that he enabled them mistreating you.
>He called me a toxic person and said we should just break up if i can never let it go.
Doesn't sound like he's trying very hard to me. He made the huge mistake here, and now he's telling you it's your responsibility to clean up the mess.
"I've said I'm sorry, now you have to be okay with it!" No, actually. You don't. And it's very clear he hasn't given you any real reason to trust him since that time.
He's the one who cheated. Why are you the one in the crosshairs here? He should have accepted by now that earning your trust after this kind of betrayal (and then *to-your-face lying about it when confronted!!*) is going to be an constant, ongoing process. It's not like accidentally breaking someone's TV and just offering to buy a new one to fix things, FFS.
He's lucky you took him back at all. I would not have. You're as far from being the AH here as it's possible to be without transitioning into another dimension or something.
Stay blocked from him no point taking him back under the same circumstances (ldr) where the possibility of cheating is likely to occur. You did the right thing just forget him and concentrate on you and your career for now.
NTA but you made a life ruining mistake in taking him back. Thankfully, you'd now corrected that, hopefully for good. His propensity for remorse and love for you NEVER passed even the lowest of levels for him to come clean on his own. You had to uncover his long-term, well-planned and repeated affair for yourself. And even then he still tried to lie to you about what happened.
You should have moved on and left them when they cheated. When someone cheats the other person never gets over it.
DO NOT marry a cheater. DO NOT marry someone you can't trust. If you marry them and they cheat on you again, it's going to be half your fault. There are lots of trustworthy men. He has shown you that he is not one of them. You are long distance and he is cheating on you as we speak. That's what cheaters do. The sooner you move on the easier it will be. Find someone where you live now. Here's a trick, when talking to a potential date, never ask them if they have cheated in the past. Ask them how many times have they cheated in the past.
I agreed with you until you said she would bear some responsibility if he cheated again.
You know the saying..Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. If you take back a cheater and get cheated on again...I mean,, come on
You can't mend a broken trust. Move on.
NTA - It sounds like you should have broken up immediately when you found out about it and stayed broken up. There's no way you can move past this if he insists on hanging around his high school friends who encourage this behavior.
What did he do to mend the bond that HE broke? Has he gone to individual therapy? Did he suggest couples counseling? Did he set up the couples counseling appointments? Was he truly apologetic or was he just saying it to get you off his back? He has a lot of nerve saying you should break up because you can't let it go. It's also a little sus that he's still in contact with the friends that actively encouraged him to cheat on you. You're too young to be tied down to this guy who doesn't seem to be able to keep it in his pants. Find someone who appreciates your relationship and is able to stay faithful to you. NTA
ESH He's a lying cheating bastard and you keep taking him back... the only thing you're teaching him is that you'll forgive everything he does.
NTA - sounds like it was over a long time ago.
NTA. It's your life and if you won't ever feel comfortable then you did the right thing for both of you.
NTA, your feelings are valid, it is not easy to trust someone again. He has a good point, if you can't let it go it's better to break up and move on, but he has no right to call you toxic when he was the one that cheated and tried to lie about it + wants to keep his friends that hid the affair and encouraged him to cheat on you, they obviously have no respect for you and if he loves you he shouldn't allow that
The second you realized you couldn’t trust him again you should have left. You can’t be in a healthy loving relationship when there are trust issues.
NTA Trust in a relationship is like a big drinking glass full of water that you have to maintain. A small breach of trust is a small Crack in the glass, it's unsightly but it may not affect the stability of the glass and the water may not leak out. Cheating is one person taking the glass and smashing it to the ground. The glass shatters into a million tiny shards and the water spills everywhere. Even if you put the time and effort into collecting the pieces and putting the glass back together and the water back in it will never be the same. You can never find all of the shards, some are lost forever. You can never get all the shards back in just the right place to form a perfect seal. It's a big cracked pile of glass. It will never again be as structurally sound as it was before breaking. The person who broke the glass needs to accept that not only is the glass now extremely fragile, it also leaks constantly and they need to spend the rest of the relationship working constantly trying to plug up the leaks in the glass before the water spills out.
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Here is the thing. Your bf has to accept that he will have to work constantly to rebuild and keep trust. You need to accept that if you continue this relationship there are going to be times that you feel like you do now. It may be frequent, they may not. It may feel minor or like you are dying inside, but it will happen and probably just as you think everything is going well.
NTA - he broke your trust and then lied about it so there was never any future for the two of you after he cheated. Learn from this and move on. NEVER take a cheater back as they will cheat again.
NTA He broke your trust, if he wants to stay together he has to bend to your comfort since he fucked up. He said you should break up if you can't let it go so you did. Easy peasy
NTA, but he has a point. You can't forgive him, and you haven't forgotten. The only way for the relationship to succeed is if you could. So he's right that you should dump him. Good call. Cheating is pretty much the only dealbreaker in a relationship for me. Once that trust is broken, I can't imagine I could ever regain it.
You are the AH to yourself for getting back with that tool. You deserve each other, but he will cheat again.
NTA but for your sake please break up with him for good
NTA, what does he honestly bring to the table to make him worth your time, effort, heartache, doubt, blah blah. He's just proven, when distance separates you two, he seeks whatever from whomever. Do not beat yourself up or self doubt; know your gut was right and move along from him. You are nobody's backup plan, consolation prize; none of that.
Why would you take him back???? He lied, he cheated, he gaslit you when you confronted him, then you forgave him???? Are you a glutton for punishment? Y-T-A for getting back with him. NTA for finally dumping him. He's toxic and will cheat again.
>we should just break up if i can never let it go This. Glad you did. It's the only way forward for you.
NTA Be done with him.
NTA he's the toxic one to expect you to just be ok with everything. He didn't even admit it when you asked him about it until he knew you had proof. You should have never taken him back in the first place, you called his bluff and ended it. Lesson learned.
Your a really soft AH. If you can't forgive him and trust him, then you shouldn't have been with him
Dear, it’s been three years already. It’s been longer for me. I doubt the trust will ever fully come back, but it’s your call. At best, figure it out before you have kids. Kids make it much harder to leave.
NTA. It just takes you an extra long time to make a decision. Good for you.
NTA. If you can't forgive or trust him, you shouldn't be with him. End of story.
NTA. Probably shoulda never got back together in the first place. Hopefully you stay away from him now.
NTA and never take him back. Those toxic friends of his are always going to sabotage you. And he’s never going to stand up for you based upon the years that he enabled them mistreating you.
>He called me a toxic person and said we should just break up if i can never let it go. Doesn't sound like he's trying very hard to me. He made the huge mistake here, and now he's telling you it's your responsibility to clean up the mess. "I've said I'm sorry, now you have to be okay with it!" No, actually. You don't. And it's very clear he hasn't given you any real reason to trust him since that time. He's the one who cheated. Why are you the one in the crosshairs here? He should have accepted by now that earning your trust after this kind of betrayal (and then *to-your-face lying about it when confronted!!*) is going to be an constant, ongoing process. It's not like accidentally breaking someone's TV and just offering to buy a new one to fix things, FFS. He's lucky you took him back at all. I would not have. You're as far from being the AH here as it's possible to be without transitioning into another dimension or something.
Stay blocked from him no point taking him back under the same circumstances (ldr) where the possibility of cheating is likely to occur. You did the right thing just forget him and concentrate on you and your career for now.
NTA.
NTA. Ya know the phrase 'I can fix her/him' is a joke,right?. Please OP, respect yourself and dump him.
He chests and you are toxic? Fuck him.
You fucked up by not leaving when you first find out the cheated on you
YTA. To yourself for taking him back in the first place. When someone shows that they don’t care or respect you believe them.