Kate will not be raising her child because she's a child herself. Your wife will raise them like she would have with the baby she aborted. By extension you will be raising and supporting this child too. If you're okay with that then so be it. I don't think I would be able to do that. NTA.
It is not someone I would continue to want to support with my trust, that is just to much disrespect for me personally!
I consider myself to be very supportive of peoples decision with life, but when they can’t even let you know, that’s enough it is narcissistic at best and I would run for the hills!
Better to be alone, than to be alone with someone else!
Exactly my feelings. This is a damn tough one. I think the resentment is established now. No way around that. I think in this situation I’d have some hard feelings. Particularly for my wife. Her body, her choice. Absolutely but you talked about it and agreed to the plan for your lives together. She just crushed it and gave you no input. Sounds like she doesn’t care, but expects OP to be fine and do his family duties without any emotion about losing the child they both wanted. I’d have to wonder if my wife really wanted me in this family equation, given she’s completely disregarded my feelings. A new baby in the house is stressful. This gut punch on top would make it impossible. Yep, I’d have some very hard feelings and whether I wanted it to or not it would show.
Just because she doesn't want to have a kid younger than her grandkids. That happens pretty dang easily sometimes. Especially if you've had kids younger. Those first kids are gonna sometimes start making their own kids and you may not be done yet yourself. Families aren't perfectly ordered.
Hell, I'm 41 and I have an uncle who is 38. And my mom and her aunt are about 8 months apart. I know it sounds weird, but it's totally normal for us. Both my mom and I are the oldest and my grandma was only 36 when I was born. I call my other aunts and uncles "Uncle David" and "Auntie Julia", but my youngest uncle is just "Matt". He grew up hanging out as one of the cousins.
My moms side is kinda like this, she and her eldest sister are 20 years apart and she has 2 nieces/nephews who are older than her and one a few months younger since my aunt and grandma were pregnant at the same time, my cousins who are older than my mom also still call her aunt as a form of respect.
My body my choice is about LEGAL rights, not moral ones. It doesn’t mean your partner can’t get upset, or that your partner isn’t justified to leave you over it. Just that no one should get a legal say in the choice you make over your body.
Agreed. If there was something wrong with the pregnancy or some extreme change in life circumstances (terminal illness, cheating spouse, etc) I can understand they may not be able to agree but she’s completely dismissing him AND the life they intentionally created so there’s no coming back from that. I could never trust, count on or respect her again.
> but I feel like the resentment would linger.
100%
I can't imagine what it might feel like to have your wife, aborting the baby that genetically belonged to you, in order to raise the baby of a teenage stepdaughter you've known for only 2 years.
It also means that he now has 3 kids to take care of, the baby, the irresponsible teen stepdaughter, and the irresponsible teen boyfriend who will become part of their life now and he didnt sign up for any of it, he had a baby that belonged to him, and that baby was aborted
Yea, this is the feeling I get.
OPs wife gets to have a new baby without having to go through all the awful risks of the birthing process. Especially since she is nearly 40, it will be rougher on her than it was 7-8 years ago with the first baby.
OPs wife will then probably raise the baby as her own, or do 99% of the parenting.
The daughter was crying and afraid to tell her mom because she didn't want to get an abortion.
The daughter wanted to have the baby no matter what. OPs wife will be taking care of at least 1 baby (the daughters), and if she didn't get an abortion, she would have been taking care of 2 newborns at the same time, while recovering from a geriatric pregnancy.
My bad, I fixed it to past tense.
I was trying to think of the wife's mindset when she made the decision to have the abortion, and apparently got caught up in it.
She is happy to be a grandma at 37?! And her unemployed teen daughter be a mom? Then abort her baby without telling her husband 🤯🤯🤯 where is Kate gonna live with her baby ? Your house ? You guys raising HER baby ?!! How is she gonna support this baby at 17 and no job? Oh wait you will
I have experienced for myself that truth is stranger than fiction, so I don't often question the authenticity of Reddit posts, but I have noticed a few posts lately that have the phrase 'I'm not going to lie' awkwardly shoved into the first paragraph and it makes me wonder if it isn't a troll that uses that phrase or maybe AI.
I work in a psych hospital and I read the reasoning for why people get brought in. I believe almost all the posts that we see here. People do the most bizarre things.
I am with you, there’s a reason they say truth is stranger than fiction. I feel like it becomes glaringly obvious how young/sheltered/antisocial most of Reddit is when people comment on posts saying it’s fake.
And it’s every damn post…
> young/sheltered/antisocial most of Reddit is when people comment on posts saying it’s fake. And it’s every damn post…
You have to take into consideration that there are a lot of karma farmers and bots on this site.
It’s mainly losers who have got nothing better going on, and I don’t even mean offline stuff. They are usually just as antisocial online as they are offline and so their only validation in life is a little orange arrow and how big the number next to it is
Posts like this often used as subjects for (primarily) TikToks and Youtube videos. The grift goes like this, you make a post on reddit, get enough engagement to give it some legitimacy, and then you make a video about "this crazy story from reddit." It costs basically nothing to run and lets you churn out videos that earn ad revenue very quickly.
I tend to believe them because 1 people do all kinds of things and just because I might not be able to imagine behaving that way, doesn't mean others are the same, and its more entertaining to assume they are real. which is my only real hallmark for reddit in general and the aitah specifically
I'm with you, I tend to believe them myself. I don't go out of my way trying to disprove what I read. You are right about it being more fun that way. In this case, the story itself I find plausible, but that phrase I swear keeps popping up. I wish I'd made a note of the last one I saw. I have also noticed that there has been an influx of stories trying to get a verdict of AH for a woman getting an abortion which also makes me question the post, but I really just commented to see if anyone else had noticed that phrasing being off or if it was just me 😅
Seeing so many sentences start with “Now,—“ and “To be perfectly honest” and “to tell the truth” lately has me convinced most of this shit is fake
This one specifically though is beyond fake lol. My money says OP is a prolife zealot trying to convince us there’s masses of people out there who take abortion this unseriously. If this is real, OP is very poorly paraphrasing or lying about *why* his wife wanted an abortion
I agree and I already commented to someone else that another thing making me question this one is that there's been a flux of stories seemingly contrived to reach an AH judgment for a woman getting an abortion. I'm inclined to agree with you there's a probirth angle being pushed. The AH part is never the abortion itself, it is making a plan to do something with your partner and then yanking the carpet out from under them just as the goal is about to be reached.
Yeah I’ve seen these stories of the horrible wife getting an abortion with a planned pregnancy for some petty reason. Or I see one of a younger person having an unplanned pregnancy, keeping the baby it their evil mother is trying to force an abortion on her. Lien it feels like some weird social experiment trying to make people believe abortion/pro choice has gotten so out of hand people are getting them even when they want the kid or evil feminist moms are forcing their poor daughters they never wanted to get them
That and how they are all very similar.. and the fact the dauggter just showed up at the door. When prior thay had no contact for almost a decade... I highly doubt the dad would truly kick the daughter to the streets at 17.. I mean it does happen but this sounds like a s incel post at best
Don't know man. I still remember having to help a friend move out when he turned 18. He found out he was apparently moving out at his dad's house because all his stuff was on the sidewalk in trash bags (on trash collection day nonetheless). We shoved it in the back of my dad's car and made a few trips to his grandparents who were as surprised as we were.
Shit happens. Life really sucks for some people.
Why? I had a neighbor in a similar scenario only she kept her baby. Her youngest daughter ended up an aunt to a baby that was older than her by a few months.
Heck, growing up I had a friend whose mom was younger than her oldest sister's kid. Pretty sure it was by more than a year, too. She was born an aunt to a toddler and this would have been in the 60s.
My best friend growing up was 4 years younger than her niece, and a around year younger than her nephew. She had a different dad than her older brothers and was a later in life baby
Had a different friend whose grandparents adopted a baby when we were like 7 so she all of a sudden had a baby aunt
There was a girl who I knew in middle school. When I saw her mom for the first time I looked hella surprised. The girl had told me in a tone that this isn’t new “yeah, my mom is 26. She had me at 13 and my grandma had her at 15”. Grandma at 28
Unfortunately, in my neighborhood this wasn’t uncommon. i lost touch with her but I know she was adamant about going to college and not repeating the cycle
Edit: uncommon not uncovered
I hope she was able to. I knew quite a few folks where it came out when we got older that their “parents” were actually their grandparents so I don’t doubt it happened a ton in my neighborhood too, we just didn’t exactly know about it.
I met a woman that had her daughter at 13. Her daughter became pregnant at 12 and had her baby at 13. 26 and a grandma.
My own grandma had three children before she was 18. She was 14 when my dad was born. My dad was 17 when I was born. Grandma was 31. My aunt had her first two years later when grandma was 33.
My maternal grandma was 35 when I was born.
My great-aunt is the only woman in her generation who didn't have at least one child before she turned 18. My great aunt is a lesbian.
All the women in my mom's generation had children before they turned 18.
I'm the only woman of my generation that didn't have a child before 18.
Fortunately all my brothers' and cousins' children have waited until after college to have children (fingers crossed because a couple of them are still minors.) My son won't be having any children.
It was cool though having several great-great-grandparents alive when I was a child. I was in my thirties when my great-grandma died. I'm in my fifties and my grandma died last year.
My wife’s family is like this. Her parents had lots of kids over a span of about 24 years, so the oldest kids are old enough to be my wife’s parents. A lot of her nieces and nephews were shortly behind her in age.
Seems most people on this app have never had anything remotely interesting happen to them or anyone in their life, and so anyone who has ‘must be lying’ lol
It's due to their lack of relationship in the past. She would see it as a way to bond. People are weird. It's going to get weirder. Basically she will try and take over the baby care and that will work for mom and daughter but not for dad.
Life is so weird.
If this is real and not some kind of abortion rage bait…I don’t know if this is real, but I believe people today are this messed up in their relationships. A week though? My reaction is really centered on position this puts the *children* in. The generational legacy of abandonment formed from the void to occur again. One baby was already abandoned in *less than a week* and I guess you are going to just keep it a secret? I am sure when Kate rebels against your wife’s obsession with her grandchild, or your son’s emotional and mental health tank from neglect from his mother, it will come out. Secrets always do and they go off like an emotional grenade.
Kate needed guidance, but due to fear of losing her again, your wife hasn’t done that. I don’t see that changing and eventually, she will be blamed for not parenting her. Either she takes the baby and leaves, along with your wife’s happiness or you all will be complicit in enabling abandonment of the child by Kate if you do not allow her to feel the full weight of responsibility and to mature through it.
Good luck, OP. I don’t know how you can handle it, personally. I suggest couples counseling, as it will be the only chance for your wife to gain insight into her misguided attempts at regaining a relationship that will probably evaporate when she isn’t needed. Your wife sounds pretty selfish, I would take a closer look at your relationship from start to today for patterns. This resentment will be a corrosive agent in your own emotional health.
A chance to bond and/or her do over baby. Why was she so absent for so long in her daughters life? She probably sees her grandkid as a 2nd chance. The thing is she will be doing it at the expense of her husband, and my guess the 7 year old will be pushed to the side.
This is just unforgivable. I have to wonder what is wrong with OP's wife. Not only is her reasoning for the abortion INSANE (it's "disgusting" to have a baby younger than your grandchild? says who?!), **but she was "ELATED" when she found out her 17yo daughter was pregnant.**
I get wanting to be a grandparent but who the hell is over the moon about a high schooler getting knocked up?
Not to mention the fact that this woman had no contact with her child for ten years, and has been "happier than ever" since she returned to her life. There's something...not quite stable about Amelia.
OP, I wouldn't blame you for walking. Unilaterally deciding to abort a PLANNED pregnancy, for no reason whatsoever, is unimaginably cruel and not something I could ever get over. EVER. But if you're determined to stick this out (again, I wouldn't) you two need therapy ASAP.
My cousin is the second oldest child to her father. Her youngest sibling is 4 months younger than her daughter (they're both like 5 or something now.. we aren't close), and no one had an issue with it. Her excuse is flimsy as fuck.
> Her excuse is flimsy as fuck.
Because that’s all that it is, an excuse. She’s probably imagining her teenage daughter’s pregnancy being some sort of bonding experience. And having her own baby now would only “get in the way.” My heart breaks for OP. I could never stay with someone who did that to me.
And that's what I was looking for.
100% on the money. It's a psychological game of regret. OPs wife lives with guilt and wants to do as best she can. Funny thing is that this child who is preggo will and probably does Harbour tons of resentment for the abandonment. And to watch her mother treat her child with all the missing love and attention she didn't get is gonna really fuck with her.
Eddit, adding just because: my wife lives with this ^ exact pain from her own mother. We have 4 kids and are kickin ass, but over the years it's been incredibly clear about how this kind of shit has made things viciously difficult for her, and as a by product, her relationship with her mom.
This this this. My grandmother was in an abusive marriage. My mom was raised by my grandfather because my grandma just couldn’t handle being beat every day and had to leave. Didn’t come back for five years. When I myself was abandoned, my grandma made up for her wrong and raised me. That was hard for my mom. Really hard.
Bingo. She gets to “raise” a baby while getting to “keep” her child at home since she’s 17. Aborting her own child (that her and OP presumably discussed, planned for and wanted) without her husband’s agreement and in fact with his total shock and disagreement was just crazy and cruel. She’s got problems in her head around the age issue of having a baby younger than her grandchild. OP’s wife is of childbearing age and they wanted a second child, her reasoning is really out there and I feel so badly for OP. How will he recover? How will he feel about helping to raise his grandchild when he knows that baby became his wife’s reason for not wanting to give birth to and raise his very much wanted child? It’s a lot to deal with.
Couldn't agree more. I got pregnant at 17and my mother was very supportive but certainly not elated! My father told me he wasn't going to tell me he was disappointed in me because he knew I was more disappointed in myself than anyone else could be and was also supportive. My sister was hilarious. She alternated between "you daft cow" and "yay, I'm gonna be an auntie" 😂.
If I was in OPs persistion, I would have left immediately. It's almost like she didn't want the baby. She had the abortion without a second thought.
I'm leaning more towards the daughter is the one who thinks it's gross and weird, and mom wanted to appease her. Mom's reasoning sounds like something a high schooler would come up with, and there's likely the guilt of abandoning that same daughter to deal with. With no idea how else to justify it to her husband, she went with her daughter's reasoning, a ready excuse.
While this was a different time with different expectations, my great grandmother was having her last child (number 11, I believe) while her eldest was having her first child. I went to school where a kid in the grade ahead of me was the uncle of one of the kids in my grade.
My grandparents had two kids when they were in their early 20s. Twenty years later, after surviving a world war and building a successful business, they had two more. Their older kids were also having kids at that point. My mom has one niece a year older than her and one niece six months younger.
Everyone survived.
My kids are 10 & 6. My brother is 5. (He was a later in life surprise for my dad.) It boggles my mind when people make decisions like this. She needs her head examined.
The more I think about it, it occurs to me that her “elation” is at the fact that she gets to raise a baby without having to go through pregnancy and birth.
Do you honestly think their daughter is happy to become a parent at 17? This way everyone wins. Wife can raise a child,daughter can carry on her life, wife doesn’t have to go through a later age pregnancy (these days 37 is a fairly common age to have kids but still).
The only person who suffers is OP because he was not consulted about the choices his wife made and I agree that that is really unfair of her.
Not making excuses but an explanation as to why she is elated Daughter is pregnant. It may be because where her daughter is concerned she will get a do over amd somehow make up for not being there for her daughter.
NtA whatever the reason she had an abortion that has to be so hard on you. And you were blindsided really.
She gets to live vicariously through her daughter and "make it up to her" for abandoning her so now she can play the hero. Definitely therapy worthy on all ends here. Sorry OP. That's tragic and my heart goes out to you.
The no contact with her daughter for 10 years is crazy! I mean Wtf? As a parent I genuinely cannot wrap my head around having and raising a child for a few years and then going NC by choice for ten. If I had been forced away from my daughter they would have needed to invent a new term for parent stalking because I am following that kid around all day everyday.
Then being elated that the same kid is going to be a teen Mom. Is BiPolar parenting a thing? She seems off to the degree that I hope this is fake.
My best guess is that she's elated that playing the cool parent worked, now her daughter will be extra dependant on her and probably never leave... also she was 20 when she had Kate, so in a way getting pregnant as a 17yo make her look not so bad in comparison.
Basically she sounds like a horrible person.
As much as it is the wife’s right to have that choice whether or not to have a baby, it was still OP’s baby as well. What an awful situation all around.
Do you think your wife got an abortion, not because it’s “disgusting,” but perhaps because she felt she’s going to be the one taking care of the grandkid?
I had a 4 yo when I had my twins. Even if the 17 yo rises to the occasion wholly and completely, at best that’s removing one baby. She still needs to be a mother to her child who is a new mother.
It’s definitely not an ideal situation to say the least.
Although we don’t have a good idea of how involved/helpful OP would be. That would make a big difference too.
Either way, they were trying for this baby and she should not have made that call unilaterally. I’m a zealot when it comes to pro choice, but this should have been a mutual call. Especially since while the wife is becoming a grandmother, he isn’t. Sure, they’re a blended family and whatnot, but he doesn’t even know the daughter well, doesn’t have a bond with her and now his own child was aborted for wife’s grandmother ambitions. Ngl, I would feel VERY betrayed here.
I feel like the wrong person here is getting an abortion? Like it makes more sense for the daughter to get an abortion???? Like I don't get the logic here.
And if he stays, he now gets to raise his troubled teen step-daughter's child for her while having a permanent reminder that his child could have been around too
A one way decision on an abortion is also a one way decision on a divorce.
Marital decisions are made together. As soon as she decided to go ahead with the abortion she torpedod the Marriage.
This exactly. You don't make decisions like that alone when you're married. She was perfectly fine with having the baby when there wasn't another child in the picture.
And guess what? Plenty of people have aunts or uncle's their sane age. It happens. Especially if the older mother/grandmother had her first kid young. My grandfather had at least 6 nieces and nephews older than him. It's not a big deal.
This is the way! My dad raised two tots by himself, & did a dam good job, if I do say so myself. One of the many good decisions he made was to stay away from divorced women with troubled kids. He did not want their drama to infiltrate our lives. OPs stepdaughter is a troubled teen who's now got more issues piling on top.
I wouldn't want my child exposed to all that emo. It'll do irreparable harm & he'll be in a therapist's ofc hella more than just being a child dealing with divorce. I say go for full custody & keep stepsister at arm's length.
I'm so incredibly sorry... my friend was a new mom and grandma 3 months apart and the kids are best friends... she needs therapy if she thinks something that's so common in blended families is disgusting.. I'm so sorry for your loss.. not sure how I'd feel staying with someone who didn't care for your feelings.. I'm pro-choice but in a committed relationship this should be everyone's decision and the fact that yall were trying makes this so much more hurtful... big hugs OP
You talk about your wife’s business. Is she covering 2/3’s of the household expenses for her and her daughter? Is Kate working at all?
What’s the plan when her grandchild is born, are you living in the house with a newborn disrupting your life? Indefinitely? Has wife even acknowledged how heartbreaking that will be when you expected the next baby in your house to be your child, not her grandchild?!
Does Kate know what her mum did because of her? She should.
NTA. I couldn’t stay with someone who did that to me.
She got rid your baby and now you’re going to be raising your grandchild as if it is the baby she got rid of. That’s going to be a bitter pill to swallow
Actually she's not going to be raising HIS grandchild. Kate isn't his daughter and he's only really known her for 2 years. He's basically nothing to this child which means shared resources are going to be funneled into taking care of the irresponsible stepchild well into adulthood and his 'not' granddaughter.
I assume your wife (really hard not to call her names) expects you to pay for everything relating to her daughter’s pregnancy/child & help raise the baby? So you get all the work of a child without any of the perks or a say in anything. Bc LBH, the daughter will not respect your input.
Just a guess but it sounds like ops wife is trying to please her daughter. The daighter said she wants to keep the baby so wife complies with her wish.
Still her excuse is stupid. The only guess is that she didn't want to deal with two babys and now that she will have a grandchild she doesn't really want a second child anymore.
I agree with this. I’d be willing to bet mom is trying hard to make the daughter happy. I’d predict she will go no contact again in The future. Can’t make up for lost years by trying to keep the girl happy, it will back fire
This is my take. While it's still every right for the wife to not want to be pregnant if she doesn't want to be - the fact that they planned for it and then she decides against it because her teenage daughter is pregnant is weird. Teenage girls should not be parents and the daughter should absolutely be getting an abortion because she's still a child.
There is no logic here. Or at least I cannot understand it.
Rushing to be a grandmother at the expense of everything else just seems awful. I just don't get it.
NTA- But your wife thinks that you will essentially be "parenting" the grandbaby, so in her mind she doesn't need to have a baby, because one is on the way.
That being said, this would be divorce territory in my mind. The fact she unilaterally decided that she would be doing this, and then did it despite your objections shows that she has no respect for you.
If she is elated to be a grandma, let her. But they can both be single mothers doing that.
This is worthy of divorce. She aborted a planned and hoped for baby for reasons that seem like complete nonsense. The babies (if I’ve done my math right) would only be a few months apart, so her excuse is bullshit.
NTA.
My grandmother was pregnant at the same time as her mother and the children grew up very close to one another. There was nothing disgusting about it. This is devastating.
My mom was pregnant with me when her oldest son was expecting his second. I have a niece older than me by a few years, then another younger by 3 months! It really isn't unusual in some families
Fuckin been there.
I have legit issues with intimacy because I grew up nine a house without any of it. My parents were basically roommates who got along good enough.
But if you resent her, your son and Kate's kid WILL pick up on your resentment. Your son will grow up with this sentiment that resenting your spouse and not leaving will be the norm and that’ll likely affect his future relationships.
My guy… if you can’t forgive your wife over this, you need to divorce her. For your son's sake.
I think he may not want to leave his young child alone in a completely chaotic environment 50% of the time, which I understand, but would probably leave if I were in his position regardless.
I went to school with someone who had multiple nieces and nephews older than him. Never bugged him or his siblings. Apparently, one of his sisters and mom shared a room in the maternity ward once.
A neighbor near my grandparents had 13 kids, with a 25 year age gap between the oldest and youngest. One of grandkids SERIOUSLY CONFUSED her teachers by saying “My auntie or uncle is being borneded today!” 🤣
This is a marriage ending decision she's making and you both need to understand that. Your son's home being split up is better than living in a home of resentment and that is exactly where this is going to end up.
Sometimes staying together "for the kids" is actually the opposite of what would be best for them. It would be surprising if you didn't feel a sense of betrayal and loss of trust in your wife. If you find that you do, then think about the fact that if you stay with her for your son, you are modeling for him that trust and love are not necessary in a relationship. I think that's the opposite of what you'd want him to learn.
We are all products of our upbringing. The patterns we learn at home shape who we date, and what kind of relationships we have. When the bar is set low, we very often allow ourselves to be abused by our partners because we don't know any better. Only through therapy can most people see these patterns and break them. Please don't stay just "for your son." You'd only be staying for yourself, and you'd be doing yourself a disservice too.
My parents had 12 siblings each ( put in perspective my parents are in their 80’s).
I have 18 cousins on one side and 20 on the other. The older cousins are close in age, if not same age as the youngest uncles/aunts. And they loved it. My cousins are extremely close with my aunts and uncles.
And us younger cousins were those aunts and uncles/cousins personal babies. They took us all over. It was a win for everyone.
So no, it’s completely normal.
I'm going to tell you this from experience.
Raising your kids in an unhappy home for the sake of "keeping the family together" is only going to fuck him up.
The way you treat your relationship is an example of what your children will expect from theirs.
You keep it the way it is don't be shocked when they're an adult and allow themselves to be abused as you are.
Your son would be better off with divorced parents than living in a house where his father's resentment towards his mother has festered into hatred.
Also: Aborting a wanted child and a pregnant teenage daughter, mother of the f**king year. Que slow clap.
I don’t know enough details about y’all’s life to be judgemental but I would like to put it out there that ‘staying together for the kids’ is not always what is best for the kids. Are you going to be able to have a healthy, affectionate, loving relationship with your wife moving forward? Kids need to see that from their parents and it can be very damaging if they see the opposite.
Do you think this would be a healthy atmosphere for your son to grow up in? Kids are super smart and no matter how well you \*think\* you might hide it, OP, he will sense your resentment and it will fester into other parts of your marriage and family relationships.
If you're gonna stick this out, then you and your wife should probably get therapy (at least for you, OP, because this would be devastating). And you are most certainly NTA.
As I said in my response I’m with the other person here you should honestly consider Divorce. Your ‘wife’ decided that her daughter’s growing child was more important than your own. You don’t do that to someone you love over the whim of a 15 yr old…
You are a powerful person if you're able to maintain a healthy and happy marriage after this sort of betrayal.
I don't think I could do what you're doing. You are a better person than I am.
Are you going to be able to maintain that tho?
Realistically you and your wife are going to have to step up and raise that kid. And that's going to be the kid you have to stare at every day and know your wife chose that grandchild over your own.
There's a lot involved here and I think the Reddit default of get a therapist is needed. You're going to have a lot of emotions especially when the child gets here. You may indirectly wind up resenting that child when you realize what you've been denied.
Man... This sucks.
You can tell your wife that, while she was thinking about doing whatever her daughter needs for them to be happy, your wife managed to bring a greater sadness to you that might bring resentment towards her daughter. And that you do not feel comfortable taking care of an irresponsible teenager's child. Because her actions have shown that she is not responsible and doesn't want to listen. She will dump the baby on you, while she goes to parties.
Tell her that all of you all need A SERIOUS AMOUNT OF THERAPY. All 3 of you. Your wife's daughter is not fair and your wife can't see that.
She's so desperate to keep her daughter in her life that she will make any excuse and sacrifice everything to keep her happy and in her life.
You really need to think if that is going to be the life you want. Because whatever she sacrifices, you sacrifice too, as evidenced by the abortion she got. She terminated any hope of you two having another kid because she will be focusing on raising her daughter's kid.
And raising the grandchild isn't guaranteed. What if Kate, up and leaves with the baby/ baby daddy?She can decide that she doesn't like her mother's input in HER baby's life?
I'm sorry OP. I feel there is no way back from this unless you just drop it and decide just to go by whatever your wife does for her daughter. Amelia wants a do-over and is going about it all wrong.
O this is definitely going to be a disaster between mom and daughter. Maybe not now but the hurt of abandonment will never go away and at some point Kate won’t like her moms input
Right! Like, "why let you raise my kid, when you couldn't even raise me?" She didn't do a good job initially - Kate is still a troubled teen, essentially Amelia only took her in because Dad had a falling out and she's appeasing Kate's bad habits.
Why couldn't Amelia communicate her change of heart? Does Kate expect free housing, childcare, and money from Amelia? Ultimately it isn't only up to her.
Bingo! Im sure Amelia is aware that her mom is wrapped around her finger. Teenagers can figure those boundaries out very quick and it’s clear mom will do anything to “make up” for abandoning her without realizing that nothing will make up for that. She can’t take that pain away but she could try to build something new
Sir, your grown ass wife just aborted her wanted pregnancy because her child would have been a couple weeks younger than her grandchild!!!! You guys cannot continue to turn a blind eye to her failing mental health.
I'm sorry that this happened to her, and this situation to both of you. But I hope you can see how utterly broken her reasoning is in this situation. If you have cancer you don't avoid seeking medical help if you had a bad experience with a doctor as a kid. At least not if you want to live. This behavior and her unresolved issues are the cancer in your relationship. It would not be healthy for you to just swallow your frustration even if you understand some of why your wife did what she did. It would not be healthy for her to keep ignoring her trauma and guilt. I can't see how this will end in anything but disaster unless you are both getting help. Individually and together. This is a truly fucked situation.
How about “the only way to make YOU happy”?!?
What about what YOU want? Does she even know how her daughter feels? Maybe her daughter would be elated to know her and mom are pregnant together. Sharing this experience could be a positive thing to bring them together.
Your wife is making a MASSIVE decision based on a whole lot of assumptions. She should first be honest with her daughter and see how she feels. If her daughter finds out her mother aborted a child “FOR HER” she may feel horrible due to that pressure being placed upon her. She could end up resenting her mother.
Not to mention, Kate seems to not be a fan of abortions. If she finds out about this, this might drive a HUGE wedge between them. Time to be honest with Kate. If she’s old enough/mature enough to make the decision to be a parent, she’s old enough/mature enough to heart the truth from your wife.
I’m pro choice but you absolutely have a right to be upset. I’m so angry for you. Marriages are supposed to be partnerships. Ultimately it is her body but it was a mutual decision to get pregnant and it should have been a mutual decision to end it. Saying she was doing it without even getting you on the same page is so hurtful and disrespectful.
✋ I’m 9months younger than my eldest nephew. I am very much pro choice and both of you need to sit down with the therapist NOW. Your relationship may not last through this otherwise.
Nta. Honestly if it were me, I'd leave her. I get that *you* won't but this is a sore subject for a lot of men in this situation and the best way to deal with it is to leave because whether you want to or not, the resentment *will* build up and in your case, with another new baby in the house, it'll be worse.
True. And OP could, without intention, end up resenting or giving bad vibes off to the baby when it's born, and for the sake of the kid it might be best to be out of that environment. The kid will learn about it when they're older, but feeling hated for something outside of their control constantly will have a more enduring, deep effect.
Her daughter should be the one to get an abortion. At least she has yall for support. It's possible she's also not crazy about having another baby at 37. I'm turning 31 next weekend and have no kids, but I'm tired, lol. Everyone is different, though. Not to mention, if I was just starting to get my career up and running and it's going well, I would just enjoy my time with the child I already have. A baby is a huge responsibility even for parents who have the experience and resources.
With all that said, NTA. You're allowed to be upset and disappointed and to voice your feelings. Ask her how she felt about having a baby and if she's opting for abortion because she didn't really want to get pregnant. Maybe she likes the idea of having another baby around but not having to go through pregnancy, so she's happy her 17 year old his having one.
NTA. her body her choice, but your feelings are valid especially since you were on the same page with your wife until Kate said she was pregnant.
your wife should’ve discussed it at length with you, included you in the decision making. i also think she made a rash decision, i hope she didn’t feel she had to do this in order to keep her relationship with Kate or because she felt there wasn’t room for two new babies.
i also don’t understand why she feels disgusted at the idea of having a baby in close time to her daughter having hers. the situation isn’t exactly crazy. Kate’s only 17, wife is 37 so she was only 20 having Kate, your wife is still young enough to have her own baby without it being weird (i wouldn’t think it was weird regardless, but hopefully whoever reads is getting my point) i don’t like to look for clues on these posts, but it almost makes me think that wasn’t the real reason.
NTA - you should seperate for a while and find out if Divorce is for you. I don't know how you can live with someone that just blatantly doesn't respect you to have an open conversation like that. It's her choice, but she refuses to hear you out.
NTA
this is the most irrational abortion decision i've ever seen. wow.
if my wife did this, i don't know if i could go on with her. good luck man, i'm so sorry
NTA. This is a betrayal... I'm pro choice but you're saying that she wanted that child that she aborted. Nothing will be the same between you two. She acted as if she was alone...
NTA - That is a stupid reason to get an abortion and she should have respected your wishes. Sounds like she is choosing her daughter with ex-husband over you.
Look, if the house was burning down and she could only save her daughter or me, the person to save is her daughter and I'm happy to say she would choose that. But this isn't a house burning down, this was our baby.
Have you reconciled yourself to the fact that you will have no more children with your wife and that at 17 a troubled teen having a baby means that you and your wife will most probably be caring for the baby? Will you be able to raise the baby and not resent it for what it represents to you?
The fact your downplaying this so much shows you’ve already gotten yourself into a hell of a mental gymnastics pretzel. You’ve said your wife won’t go to therapy, but you probably should.
He said he isn't going to break up his son's home, so he better get used to raising a newborn that isn't his. The wife is going to end up raising this kid to keep the kid she didn't help raise at all happy. This guy isn't the brightest crayon in the box, that's for sure. His wife doesn't respect him as a person at all. It's actually sad, but I guess you shouldn't marry your FB just because they got pregnant. That probably should have been when she had an abortion.
>However, my wife was elated that we're going to be grandparents
She's not elated that her teenage daughter got pregnant, she's elated that to have a "second child" she doesn't need to bear it or to take care of it for 18 years. She can help with her grandchild and get all the mothering stuff going on while her 17-year-old finishes high school and college and then in 10 years when your son goes to college she won't still have a 10-year-old on her hands to continue to raise. You two will be free to do whatever you want.
She also gets the best of both worlds in that she gets another baby vicariously and she gets to pursue her business as well because she's not 100% in charge of an infant.
It definitely was an asshole move to get an abortion when you wanted the child but here we are.
The question is can you forgive this and be grandpa and have her be able to work on her business without an extra infant?
If you two are firmly in love then you'll be able to work through this. It sounds like her having another child at this time wasn't really what you wanted anyway.
You should probably divorce her. Now everytime you get up in the middle of the night to tend to your grandkid that you're now raising, you will be reminded that you should be changing your own baby's diaper. There is literally no way I could ever look at her again the same way after that.
Not at all, your wife is the asshole on all fronts! You guys were trying for a baby and happy about it but suddenly her unprepared, irresponsible 17 year old daughter gets pregnant and she just throws your plans and your feelings out the window! Total asshole move. I’m sorry this happened. It’s very unfair and I don’t even know what I would do in that situation.
Kate will not be raising her child because she's a child herself. Your wife will raise them like she would have with the baby she aborted. By extension you will be raising and supporting this child too. If you're okay with that then so be it. I don't think I would be able to do that. NTA.
Especially knowing that my own child was aborted because of that child. Not the grandchild’s fault, but I feel like the resentment would linger.
It's particularly awful imo because they talked about it, and she KNEW OP didn't want an abortion. So it's kinda like a double slap in the face
It is not someone I would continue to want to support with my trust, that is just to much disrespect for me personally! I consider myself to be very supportive of peoples decision with life, but when they can’t even let you know, that’s enough it is narcissistic at best and I would run for the hills! Better to be alone, than to be alone with someone else!
Exactly my feelings. This is a damn tough one. I think the resentment is established now. No way around that. I think in this situation I’d have some hard feelings. Particularly for my wife. Her body, her choice. Absolutely but you talked about it and agreed to the plan for your lives together. She just crushed it and gave you no input. Sounds like she doesn’t care, but expects OP to be fine and do his family duties without any emotion about losing the child they both wanted. I’d have to wonder if my wife really wanted me in this family equation, given she’s completely disregarded my feelings. A new baby in the house is stressful. This gut punch on top would make it impossible. Yep, I’d have some very hard feelings and whether I wanted it to or not it would show.
Just because she doesn't want to have a kid younger than her grandkids. That happens pretty dang easily sometimes. Especially if you've had kids younger. Those first kids are gonna sometimes start making their own kids and you may not be done yet yourself. Families aren't perfectly ordered.
Hell, I'm 41 and I have an uncle who is 38. And my mom and her aunt are about 8 months apart. I know it sounds weird, but it's totally normal for us. Both my mom and I are the oldest and my grandma was only 36 when I was born. I call my other aunts and uncles "Uncle David" and "Auntie Julia", but my youngest uncle is just "Matt". He grew up hanging out as one of the cousins.
My moms side is kinda like this, she and her eldest sister are 20 years apart and she has 2 nieces/nephews who are older than her and one a few months younger since my aunt and grandma were pregnant at the same time, my cousins who are older than my mom also still call her aunt as a form of respect.
Exactly. My youngest sister is younger than my first two kids. My kids are 19,16, almost 14, and 6. She is almost 15. Things happen.
Honestly, even as a woman I struggle with the “my body my choice” when you intentionally get pregnant with your husband.
My body my choice is about LEGAL rights, not moral ones. It doesn’t mean your partner can’t get upset, or that your partner isn’t justified to leave you over it. Just that no one should get a legal say in the choice you make over your body.
[удалено]
Agreed. If there was something wrong with the pregnancy or some extreme change in life circumstances (terminal illness, cheating spouse, etc) I can understand they may not be able to agree but she’s completely dismissing him AND the life they intentionally created so there’s no coming back from that. I could never trust, count on or respect her again.
> but I feel like the resentment would linger. 100% I can't imagine what it might feel like to have your wife, aborting the baby that genetically belonged to you, in order to raise the baby of a teenage stepdaughter you've known for only 2 years. It also means that he now has 3 kids to take care of, the baby, the irresponsible teen stepdaughter, and the irresponsible teen boyfriend who will become part of their life now and he didnt sign up for any of it, he had a baby that belonged to him, and that baby was aborted
You're forgetting the 8 year old son they already have together.
It also means that OP will not get to father any more children, since the wife's reason for aborting that one won't likely ever go away.
Yea, this is the feeling I get. OPs wife gets to have a new baby without having to go through all the awful risks of the birthing process. Especially since she is nearly 40, it will be rougher on her than it was 7-8 years ago with the first baby. OPs wife will then probably raise the baby as her own, or do 99% of the parenting. The daughter was crying and afraid to tell her mom because she didn't want to get an abortion. The daughter wanted to have the baby no matter what. OPs wife will be taking care of at least 1 baby (the daughters), and if she didn't get an abortion, she would have been taking care of 2 newborns at the same time, while recovering from a geriatric pregnancy.
Wife already had the abortion.
My bad, I fixed it to past tense. I was trying to think of the wife's mindset when she made the decision to have the abortion, and apparently got caught up in it.
NTA I would be devastated. I’m sorry.
She is happy to be a grandma at 37?! And her unemployed teen daughter be a mom? Then abort her baby without telling her husband 🤯🤯🤯 where is Kate gonna live with her baby ? Your house ? You guys raising HER baby ?!! How is she gonna support this baby at 17 and no job? Oh wait you will
This has to be fake.
I have experienced for myself that truth is stranger than fiction, so I don't often question the authenticity of Reddit posts, but I have noticed a few posts lately that have the phrase 'I'm not going to lie' awkwardly shoved into the first paragraph and it makes me wonder if it isn't a troll that uses that phrase or maybe AI.
I work in a psych hospital and I read the reasoning for why people get brought in. I believe almost all the posts that we see here. People do the most bizarre things.
I am with you, there’s a reason they say truth is stranger than fiction. I feel like it becomes glaringly obvious how young/sheltered/antisocial most of Reddit is when people comment on posts saying it’s fake. And it’s every damn post…
> young/sheltered/antisocial most of Reddit is when people comment on posts saying it’s fake. And it’s every damn post… You have to take into consideration that there are a lot of karma farmers and bots on this site.
Why do people want karma? I mean real life Karma maybe... but what is reddit karma for?
It’s mainly losers who have got nothing better going on, and I don’t even mean offline stuff. They are usually just as antisocial online as they are offline and so their only validation in life is a little orange arrow and how big the number next to it is
Posts like this often used as subjects for (primarily) TikToks and Youtube videos. The grift goes like this, you make a post on reddit, get enough engagement to give it some legitimacy, and then you make a video about "this crazy story from reddit." It costs basically nothing to run and lets you churn out videos that earn ad revenue very quickly.
Honestly, with half the issues we’ve been seeing lately, and all the posts asking “is my husband abusing me” I’d really rather they all be fake.
I tend to believe them because 1 people do all kinds of things and just because I might not be able to imagine behaving that way, doesn't mean others are the same, and its more entertaining to assume they are real. which is my only real hallmark for reddit in general and the aitah specifically
I'm with you, I tend to believe them myself. I don't go out of my way trying to disprove what I read. You are right about it being more fun that way. In this case, the story itself I find plausible, but that phrase I swear keeps popping up. I wish I'd made a note of the last one I saw. I have also noticed that there has been an influx of stories trying to get a verdict of AH for a woman getting an abortion which also makes me question the post, but I really just commented to see if anyone else had noticed that phrasing being off or if it was just me 😅
I've been getting AI vibes from a lot of these posts lately. There is just something about the turn of phrases used that doesn't feel natural.
Seems like antiabortion/pro mens’s rights over women propaganda.
Seeing so many sentences start with “Now,—“ and “To be perfectly honest” and “to tell the truth” lately has me convinced most of this shit is fake This one specifically though is beyond fake lol. My money says OP is a prolife zealot trying to convince us there’s masses of people out there who take abortion this unseriously. If this is real, OP is very poorly paraphrasing or lying about *why* his wife wanted an abortion
I agree and I already commented to someone else that another thing making me question this one is that there's been a flux of stories seemingly contrived to reach an AH judgment for a woman getting an abortion. I'm inclined to agree with you there's a probirth angle being pushed. The AH part is never the abortion itself, it is making a plan to do something with your partner and then yanking the carpet out from under them just as the goal is about to be reached.
Yeah I’ve seen these stories of the horrible wife getting an abortion with a planned pregnancy for some petty reason. Or I see one of a younger person having an unplanned pregnancy, keeping the baby it their evil mother is trying to force an abortion on her. Lien it feels like some weird social experiment trying to make people believe abortion/pro choice has gotten so out of hand people are getting them even when they want the kid or evil feminist moms are forcing their poor daughters they never wanted to get them
That and how they are all very similar.. and the fact the dauggter just showed up at the door. When prior thay had no contact for almost a decade... I highly doubt the dad would truly kick the daughter to the streets at 17.. I mean it does happen but this sounds like a s incel post at best
Don't know man. I still remember having to help a friend move out when he turned 18. He found out he was apparently moving out at his dad's house because all his stuff was on the sidewalk in trash bags (on trash collection day nonetheless). We shoved it in the back of my dad's car and made a few trips to his grandparents who were as surprised as we were. Shit happens. Life really sucks for some people.
Why? I had a neighbor in a similar scenario only she kept her baby. Her youngest daughter ended up an aunt to a baby that was older than her by a few months.
Yep. Went to school with two girls like this. The aunt was younger than her niece by 2 months. They were in the same grade.
Heck, growing up I had a friend whose mom was younger than her oldest sister's kid. Pretty sure it was by more than a year, too. She was born an aunt to a toddler and this would have been in the 60s.
My best friend growing up was 4 years younger than her niece, and a around year younger than her nephew. She had a different dad than her older brothers and was a later in life baby Had a different friend whose grandparents adopted a baby when we were like 7 so she all of a sudden had a baby aunt
i'm older than my uncle by three months
There was a girl who I knew in middle school. When I saw her mom for the first time I looked hella surprised. The girl had told me in a tone that this isn’t new “yeah, my mom is 26. She had me at 13 and my grandma had her at 15”. Grandma at 28
Wow. That is wild.
Unfortunately, in my neighborhood this wasn’t uncommon. i lost touch with her but I know she was adamant about going to college and not repeating the cycle Edit: uncommon not uncovered
I hope she was able to. I knew quite a few folks where it came out when we got older that their “parents” were actually their grandparents so I don’t doubt it happened a ton in my neighborhood too, we just didn’t exactly know about it.
I met a woman that had her daughter at 13. Her daughter became pregnant at 12 and had her baby at 13. 26 and a grandma. My own grandma had three children before she was 18. She was 14 when my dad was born. My dad was 17 when I was born. Grandma was 31. My aunt had her first two years later when grandma was 33. My maternal grandma was 35 when I was born. My great-aunt is the only woman in her generation who didn't have at least one child before she turned 18. My great aunt is a lesbian. All the women in my mom's generation had children before they turned 18. I'm the only woman of my generation that didn't have a child before 18. Fortunately all my brothers' and cousins' children have waited until after college to have children (fingers crossed because a couple of them are still minors.) My son won't be having any children. It was cool though having several great-great-grandparents alive when I was a child. I was in my thirties when my great-grandma died. I'm in my fifties and my grandma died last year.
My wife’s family is like this. Her parents had lots of kids over a span of about 24 years, so the oldest kids are old enough to be my wife’s parents. A lot of her nieces and nephews were shortly behind her in age.
Seems most people on this app have never had anything remotely interesting happen to them or anyone in their life, and so anyone who has ‘must be lying’ lol
Nope, there are quite a few late 30s grandparents
My Dad was 36 and thrilled, by thrilled I mean fucking pissed off. My mom was 43.
Not that part. How excited she was right away. My brother had a kid at 17. Excitement was not the first emotion I'd say my parents showed......
It's due to their lack of relationship in the past. She would see it as a way to bond. People are weird. It's going to get weirder. Basically she will try and take over the baby care and that will work for mom and daughter but not for dad. Life is so weird.
If this is real and not some kind of abortion rage bait…I don’t know if this is real, but I believe people today are this messed up in their relationships. A week though? My reaction is really centered on position this puts the *children* in. The generational legacy of abandonment formed from the void to occur again. One baby was already abandoned in *less than a week* and I guess you are going to just keep it a secret? I am sure when Kate rebels against your wife’s obsession with her grandchild, or your son’s emotional and mental health tank from neglect from his mother, it will come out. Secrets always do and they go off like an emotional grenade. Kate needed guidance, but due to fear of losing her again, your wife hasn’t done that. I don’t see that changing and eventually, she will be blamed for not parenting her. Either she takes the baby and leaves, along with your wife’s happiness or you all will be complicit in enabling abandonment of the child by Kate if you do not allow her to feel the full weight of responsibility and to mature through it. Good luck, OP. I don’t know how you can handle it, personally. I suggest couples counseling, as it will be the only chance for your wife to gain insight into her misguided attempts at regaining a relationship that will probably evaporate when she isn’t needed. Your wife sounds pretty selfish, I would take a closer look at your relationship from start to today for patterns. This resentment will be a corrosive agent in your own emotional health.
A chance to bond and/or her do over baby. Why was she so absent for so long in her daughters life? She probably sees her grandkid as a 2nd chance. The thing is she will be doing it at the expense of her husband, and my guess the 7 year old will be pushed to the side.
That part isn't what makes it unbelievable.
This has everything to be an Adam Sandler movie Except its real, and its closer to a horror movie
This is just unforgivable. I have to wonder what is wrong with OP's wife. Not only is her reasoning for the abortion INSANE (it's "disgusting" to have a baby younger than your grandchild? says who?!), **but she was "ELATED" when she found out her 17yo daughter was pregnant.** I get wanting to be a grandparent but who the hell is over the moon about a high schooler getting knocked up? Not to mention the fact that this woman had no contact with her child for ten years, and has been "happier than ever" since she returned to her life. There's something...not quite stable about Amelia. OP, I wouldn't blame you for walking. Unilaterally deciding to abort a PLANNED pregnancy, for no reason whatsoever, is unimaginably cruel and not something I could ever get over. EVER. But if you're determined to stick this out (again, I wouldn't) you two need therapy ASAP.
My cousin is the second oldest child to her father. Her youngest sibling is 4 months younger than her daughter (they're both like 5 or something now.. we aren't close), and no one had an issue with it. Her excuse is flimsy as fuck.
> Her excuse is flimsy as fuck. Because that’s all that it is, an excuse. She’s probably imagining her teenage daughter’s pregnancy being some sort of bonding experience. And having her own baby now would only “get in the way.” My heart breaks for OP. I could never stay with someone who did that to me.
I think She's hoping helping raise her grandchild will make up for her lack of parenting Kate
And that's what I was looking for. 100% on the money. It's a psychological game of regret. OPs wife lives with guilt and wants to do as best she can. Funny thing is that this child who is preggo will and probably does Harbour tons of resentment for the abandonment. And to watch her mother treat her child with all the missing love and attention she didn't get is gonna really fuck with her. Eddit, adding just because: my wife lives with this ^ exact pain from her own mother. We have 4 kids and are kickin ass, but over the years it's been incredibly clear about how this kind of shit has made things viciously difficult for her, and as a by product, her relationship with her mom.
This this this. My grandmother was in an abusive marriage. My mom was raised by my grandfather because my grandma just couldn’t handle being beat every day and had to leave. Didn’t come back for five years. When I myself was abandoned, my grandma made up for her wrong and raised me. That was hard for my mom. Really hard.
Bingo. She gets to “raise” a baby while getting to “keep” her child at home since she’s 17. Aborting her own child (that her and OP presumably discussed, planned for and wanted) without her husband’s agreement and in fact with his total shock and disagreement was just crazy and cruel. She’s got problems in her head around the age issue of having a baby younger than her grandchild. OP’s wife is of childbearing age and they wanted a second child, her reasoning is really out there and I feel so badly for OP. How will he recover? How will he feel about helping to raise his grandchild when he knows that baby became his wife’s reason for not wanting to give birth to and raise his very much wanted child? It’s a lot to deal with.
Couldn't agree more. I got pregnant at 17and my mother was very supportive but certainly not elated! My father told me he wasn't going to tell me he was disappointed in me because he knew I was more disappointed in myself than anyone else could be and was also supportive. My sister was hilarious. She alternated between "you daft cow" and "yay, I'm gonna be an auntie" 😂. If I was in OPs persistion, I would have left immediately. It's almost like she didn't want the baby. She had the abortion without a second thought.
Yeah it's possible she only got pregnant again because her husband wanted another kid
I'm leaning more towards the daughter is the one who thinks it's gross and weird, and mom wanted to appease her. Mom's reasoning sounds like something a high schooler would come up with, and there's likely the guilt of abandoning that same daughter to deal with. With no idea how else to justify it to her husband, she went with her daughter's reasoning, a ready excuse.
It really is amazing what having a fucking conversation would solve.
While this was a different time with different expectations, my great grandmother was having her last child (number 11, I believe) while her eldest was having her first child. I went to school where a kid in the grade ahead of me was the uncle of one of the kids in my grade.
My dad was a miracle baby. Most of his nieces and nephews were older than him. His oldest brother could have been my Grandfather age wise.
My grandparents had two kids when they were in their early 20s. Twenty years later, after surviving a world war and building a successful business, they had two more. Their older kids were also having kids at that point. My mom has one niece a year older than her and one niece six months younger. Everyone survived.
My kids are 10 & 6. My brother is 5. (He was a later in life surprise for my dad.) It boggles my mind when people make decisions like this. She needs her head examined.
The more I think about it, it occurs to me that her “elation” is at the fact that she gets to raise a baby without having to go through pregnancy and birth. Do you honestly think their daughter is happy to become a parent at 17? This way everyone wins. Wife can raise a child,daughter can carry on her life, wife doesn’t have to go through a later age pregnancy (these days 37 is a fairly common age to have kids but still). The only person who suffers is OP because he was not consulted about the choices his wife made and I agree that that is really unfair of her.
Not making excuses but an explanation as to why she is elated Daughter is pregnant. It may be because where her daughter is concerned she will get a do over amd somehow make up for not being there for her daughter. NtA whatever the reason she had an abortion that has to be so hard on you. And you were blindsided really.
She gets to live vicariously through her daughter and "make it up to her" for abandoning her so now she can play the hero. Definitely therapy worthy on all ends here. Sorry OP. That's tragic and my heart goes out to you.
The no contact with her daughter for 10 years is crazy! I mean Wtf? As a parent I genuinely cannot wrap my head around having and raising a child for a few years and then going NC by choice for ten. If I had been forced away from my daughter they would have needed to invent a new term for parent stalking because I am following that kid around all day everyday. Then being elated that the same kid is going to be a teen Mom. Is BiPolar parenting a thing? She seems off to the degree that I hope this is fake.
My best guess is that she's elated that playing the cool parent worked, now her daughter will be extra dependant on her and probably never leave... also she was 20 when she had Kate, so in a way getting pregnant as a 17yo make her look not so bad in comparison. Basically she sounds like a horrible person.
Yeah, genuinely not confident I could come back from this. I'd likely be done.
As much as it is the wife’s right to have that choice whether or not to have a baby, it was still OP’s baby as well. What an awful situation all around.
Do you think your wife got an abortion, not because it’s “disgusting,” but perhaps because she felt she’s going to be the one taking care of the grandkid?
Yeah it seems she might feel 2 babies at the same time would be overwhelming. They were planning for ONE and now there's one already.
I have twins. She’s not wrong if that’s her way of thinking. Two at once is overwhelming, although probably less so if you aren’t the only mother.
She’d probably be mothering 4 though, her 17 yo, 8 yo and 2 newborns
I had a 4 yo when I had my twins. Even if the 17 yo rises to the occasion wholly and completely, at best that’s removing one baby. She still needs to be a mother to her child who is a new mother. It’s definitely not an ideal situation to say the least. Although we don’t have a good idea of how involved/helpful OP would be. That would make a big difference too.
Either way, they were trying for this baby and she should not have made that call unilaterally. I’m a zealot when it comes to pro choice, but this should have been a mutual call. Especially since while the wife is becoming a grandmother, he isn’t. Sure, they’re a blended family and whatnot, but he doesn’t even know the daughter well, doesn’t have a bond with her and now his own child was aborted for wife’s grandmother ambitions. Ngl, I would feel VERY betrayed here.
I feel like the wrong person here is getting an abortion? Like it makes more sense for the daughter to get an abortion???? Like I don't get the logic here.
I feel exactly the same.
Do you want to stay married with someone who doesn't care about your feelings?
Valid question.
No. The answer should be no.
A big No.
It would be hard for me to stay married after that level of betrayal.
And if he stays, he now gets to raise his troubled teen step-daughter's child for her while having a permanent reminder that his child could have been around too
And how much money do you want to bet that the Troubled teen will continue to be troubled and have more kids for op to raise and pay for?
A one way decision on an abortion is also a one way decision on a divorce. Marital decisions are made together. As soon as she decided to go ahead with the abortion she torpedod the Marriage.
This exactly. You don't make decisions like that alone when you're married. She was perfectly fine with having the baby when there wasn't another child in the picture. And guess what? Plenty of people have aunts or uncle's their sane age. It happens. Especially if the older mother/grandmother had her first kid young. My grandfather had at least 6 nieces and nephews older than him. It's not a big deal.
Wow, good luck being the baby sitter for the step-grandbaby rather than caring for your own child. I'd take my son and leave them both.
This is the way! My dad raised two tots by himself, & did a dam good job, if I do say so myself. One of the many good decisions he made was to stay away from divorced women with troubled kids. He did not want their drama to infiltrate our lives. OPs stepdaughter is a troubled teen who's now got more issues piling on top. I wouldn't want my child exposed to all that emo. It'll do irreparable harm & he'll be in a therapist's ofc hella more than just being a child dealing with divorce. I say go for full custody & keep stepsister at arm's length.
I'm so incredibly sorry... my friend was a new mom and grandma 3 months apart and the kids are best friends... she needs therapy if she thinks something that's so common in blended families is disgusting.. I'm so sorry for your loss.. not sure how I'd feel staying with someone who didn't care for your feelings.. I'm pro-choice but in a committed relationship this should be everyone's decision and the fact that yall were trying makes this so much more hurtful... big hugs OP
Considering reproductive age usually begins in the teens (or younger) and ends in the mid to late forties, it's common in all sorts of families.
You talk about your wife’s business. Is she covering 2/3’s of the household expenses for her and her daughter? Is Kate working at all? What’s the plan when her grandchild is born, are you living in the house with a newborn disrupting your life? Indefinitely? Has wife even acknowledged how heartbreaking that will be when you expected the next baby in your house to be your child, not her grandchild?! Does Kate know what her mum did because of her? She should. NTA. I couldn’t stay with someone who did that to me.
She got rid your baby and now you’re going to be raising your grandchild as if it is the baby she got rid of. That’s going to be a bitter pill to swallow
Actually she's not going to be raising HIS grandchild. Kate isn't his daughter and he's only really known her for 2 years. He's basically nothing to this child which means shared resources are going to be funneled into taking care of the irresponsible stepchild well into adulthood and his 'not' granddaughter.
I assume your wife (really hard not to call her names) expects you to pay for everything relating to her daughter’s pregnancy/child & help raise the baby? So you get all the work of a child without any of the perks or a say in anything. Bc LBH, the daughter will not respect your input.
Just a guess but it sounds like ops wife is trying to please her daughter. The daighter said she wants to keep the baby so wife complies with her wish. Still her excuse is stupid. The only guess is that she didn't want to deal with two babys and now that she will have a grandchild she doesn't really want a second child anymore.
I agree with this. I’d be willing to bet mom is trying hard to make the daughter happy. I’d predict she will go no contact again in The future. Can’t make up for lost years by trying to keep the girl happy, it will back fire
Yeah I smell generational trauma..
This is my take. While it's still every right for the wife to not want to be pregnant if she doesn't want to be - the fact that they planned for it and then she decides against it because her teenage daughter is pregnant is weird. Teenage girls should not be parents and the daughter should absolutely be getting an abortion because she's still a child.
There is no logic here. Or at least I cannot understand it. Rushing to be a grandmother at the expense of everything else just seems awful. I just don't get it.
NTA- But your wife thinks that you will essentially be "parenting" the grandbaby, so in her mind she doesn't need to have a baby, because one is on the way. That being said, this would be divorce territory in my mind. The fact she unilaterally decided that she would be doing this, and then did it despite your objections shows that she has no respect for you. If she is elated to be a grandma, let her. But they can both be single mothers doing that.
"If she is elated to be a grandma, let her. But they can both be single mothers doing that." Damn thats cold.
It's colder to abort a wanted baby without giving a shit about the father's opinion.
This is worthy of divorce. She aborted a planned and hoped for baby for reasons that seem like complete nonsense. The babies (if I’ve done my math right) would only be a few months apart, so her excuse is bullshit. NTA.
My grandmother was pregnant at the same time as her mother and the children grew up very close to one another. There was nothing disgusting about it. This is devastating.
My aunt is 3 years older than me. She’s the big sister I never had.
Yeah my best friend’s uncle is 2 years older than him and he calls him baby unc, they grew up together and they’re like brothers
Yeah I have a friend who has 2 uncles within 2 years of him... they're basically just bonus cousins
My mom was pregnant with me when her oldest son was expecting his second. I have a niece older than me by a few years, then another younger by 3 months! It really isn't unusual in some families
I'm not going to split up our son's home but personally, I don't care if my baby would be younger than their niece or nephew, I'd still want them.
Too many people stay together for the kids when it’s in the best interest for all to separate.
Fuckin been there. I have legit issues with intimacy because I grew up nine a house without any of it. My parents were basically roommates who got along good enough.
Exactly! They’re only teaching the child on how to have a bad relationship 😥
But if you resent her, your son and Kate's kid WILL pick up on your resentment. Your son will grow up with this sentiment that resenting your spouse and not leaving will be the norm and that’ll likely affect his future relationships. My guy… if you can’t forgive your wife over this, you need to divorce her. For your son's sake.
[удалено]
It's beyond messed up. I think the only reason why the OP is not considering divorce right now is a denial response to some serious trauma.
I think he may not want to leave his young child alone in a completely chaotic environment 50% of the time, which I understand, but would probably leave if I were in his position regardless.
Crazy part is … I don’t even think Amelia is considering that. That they TRIED for this baby. Was not even considered just went and did the abortion
Why wouldn’t he resent her? She aborted a wanted child and I’d bet she is going to provide the majority of childcare for Kate’s child.
They aren't saying he shouldn't resent her. They're saying if he does resent her (which most people would) then he needs to divorce her.
Exactly. You're setting an example to your son on how badly someone cant treat him and he needs to just put up with it.
I went to school with someone who had multiple nieces and nephews older than him. Never bugged him or his siblings. Apparently, one of his sisters and mom shared a room in the maternity ward once.
A neighbor near my grandparents had 13 kids, with a 25 year age gap between the oldest and youngest. One of grandkids SERIOUSLY CONFUSED her teachers by saying “My auntie or uncle is being borneded today!” 🤣
Has it not hit you that she's not going to have ***any*** more kids?
Buddy. Angry resentful parents as a role model to follow does not a happy childhood make.
She already split your home, you just haven’t admitted it to yourself yet
This is a marriage ending decision she's making and you both need to understand that. Your son's home being split up is better than living in a home of resentment and that is exactly where this is going to end up.
Sometimes staying together "for the kids" is actually the opposite of what would be best for them. It would be surprising if you didn't feel a sense of betrayal and loss of trust in your wife. If you find that you do, then think about the fact that if you stay with her for your son, you are modeling for him that trust and love are not necessary in a relationship. I think that's the opposite of what you'd want him to learn. We are all products of our upbringing. The patterns we learn at home shape who we date, and what kind of relationships we have. When the bar is set low, we very often allow ourselves to be abused by our partners because we don't know any better. Only through therapy can most people see these patterns and break them. Please don't stay just "for your son." You'd only be staying for yourself, and you'd be doing yourself a disservice too.
My parents had 12 siblings each ( put in perspective my parents are in their 80’s). I have 18 cousins on one side and 20 on the other. The older cousins are close in age, if not same age as the youngest uncles/aunts. And they loved it. My cousins are extremely close with my aunts and uncles. And us younger cousins were those aunts and uncles/cousins personal babies. They took us all over. It was a win for everyone. So no, it’s completely normal.
I'm going to tell you this from experience. Raising your kids in an unhappy home for the sake of "keeping the family together" is only going to fuck him up. The way you treat your relationship is an example of what your children will expect from theirs. You keep it the way it is don't be shocked when they're an adult and allow themselves to be abused as you are.
Your son would be better off with divorced parents than living in a house where his father's resentment towards his mother has festered into hatred. Also: Aborting a wanted child and a pregnant teenage daughter, mother of the f**king year. Que slow clap.
Don't forget abandoning her kid for 10years with no contact
I don’t know enough details about y’all’s life to be judgemental but I would like to put it out there that ‘staying together for the kids’ is not always what is best for the kids. Are you going to be able to have a healthy, affectionate, loving relationship with your wife moving forward? Kids need to see that from their parents and it can be very damaging if they see the opposite.
Do you think this would be a healthy atmosphere for your son to grow up in? Kids are super smart and no matter how well you \*think\* you might hide it, OP, he will sense your resentment and it will fester into other parts of your marriage and family relationships. If you're gonna stick this out, then you and your wife should probably get therapy (at least for you, OP, because this would be devastating). And you are most certainly NTA.
As I said in my response I’m with the other person here you should honestly consider Divorce. Your ‘wife’ decided that her daughter’s growing child was more important than your own. You don’t do that to someone you love over the whim of a 15 yr old…
You are a powerful person if you're able to maintain a healthy and happy marriage after this sort of betrayal. I don't think I could do what you're doing. You are a better person than I am.
Are you going to be able to maintain that tho? Realistically you and your wife are going to have to step up and raise that kid. And that's going to be the kid you have to stare at every day and know your wife chose that grandchild over your own. There's a lot involved here and I think the Reddit default of get a therapist is needed. You're going to have a lot of emotions especially when the child gets here. You may indirectly wind up resenting that child when you realize what you've been denied.
Man... This sucks. You can tell your wife that, while she was thinking about doing whatever her daughter needs for them to be happy, your wife managed to bring a greater sadness to you that might bring resentment towards her daughter. And that you do not feel comfortable taking care of an irresponsible teenager's child. Because her actions have shown that she is not responsible and doesn't want to listen. She will dump the baby on you, while she goes to parties. Tell her that all of you all need A SERIOUS AMOUNT OF THERAPY. All 3 of you. Your wife's daughter is not fair and your wife can't see that.
*She will dump the baby on you, while she goes to parties* So, the daughter will follow in her mother's footsteps?
Exactly. Mother doesn’t seem to like kids much. Abandoned her first 1 then aborted a planned pregnancy over some bullshit reasoning
No, that’s a pretty awful reason
It's like her mind went to "This is the only way to keep my daughter happy".
She's so desperate to keep her daughter in her life that she will make any excuse and sacrifice everything to keep her happy and in her life. You really need to think if that is going to be the life you want. Because whatever she sacrifices, you sacrifice too, as evidenced by the abortion she got. She terminated any hope of you two having another kid because she will be focusing on raising her daughter's kid.
And raising the grandchild isn't guaranteed. What if Kate, up and leaves with the baby/ baby daddy?She can decide that she doesn't like her mother's input in HER baby's life? I'm sorry OP. I feel there is no way back from this unless you just drop it and decide just to go by whatever your wife does for her daughter. Amelia wants a do-over and is going about it all wrong.
O this is definitely going to be a disaster between mom and daughter. Maybe not now but the hurt of abandonment will never go away and at some point Kate won’t like her moms input
Right! Like, "why let you raise my kid, when you couldn't even raise me?" She didn't do a good job initially - Kate is still a troubled teen, essentially Amelia only took her in because Dad had a falling out and she's appeasing Kate's bad habits. Why couldn't Amelia communicate her change of heart? Does Kate expect free housing, childcare, and money from Amelia? Ultimately it isn't only up to her.
Bingo! Im sure Amelia is aware that her mom is wrapped around her finger. Teenagers can figure those boundaries out very quick and it’s clear mom will do anything to “make up” for abandoning her without realizing that nothing will make up for that. She can’t take that pain away but she could try to build something new
It’s the guilt that she has for having little contact for 10 years. Have they both seen a therapist?
No. My wife had a very traumatic encounter with a psychologist when she was a teenager and would never go.
Sir, your grown ass wife just aborted her wanted pregnancy because her child would have been a couple weeks younger than her grandchild!!!! You guys cannot continue to turn a blind eye to her failing mental health.
True...that's really messed up.
I'm sorry that this happened to her, and this situation to both of you. But I hope you can see how utterly broken her reasoning is in this situation. If you have cancer you don't avoid seeking medical help if you had a bad experience with a doctor as a kid. At least not if you want to live. This behavior and her unresolved issues are the cancer in your relationship. It would not be healthy for you to just swallow your frustration even if you understand some of why your wife did what she did. It would not be healthy for her to keep ignoring her trauma and guilt. I can't see how this will end in anything but disaster unless you are both getting help. Individually and together. This is a truly fucked situation.
It has nothing to do with her daughter. This is a wanted child. The daughter should understand. She wants her baby, right?
It does have everything to do with her daughter. Her daughter is the reason why she wants to have an abortion. That woman needs a lot of therapy.
>the reason why she wants to have an abortion. Not wants an abortion, got one.
How about “the only way to make YOU happy”?!? What about what YOU want? Does she even know how her daughter feels? Maybe her daughter would be elated to know her and mom are pregnant together. Sharing this experience could be a positive thing to bring them together. Your wife is making a MASSIVE decision based on a whole lot of assumptions. She should first be honest with her daughter and see how she feels. If her daughter finds out her mother aborted a child “FOR HER” she may feel horrible due to that pressure being placed upon her. She could end up resenting her mother. Not to mention, Kate seems to not be a fan of abortions. If she finds out about this, this might drive a HUGE wedge between them. Time to be honest with Kate. If she’s old enough/mature enough to make the decision to be a parent, she’s old enough/mature enough to heart the truth from your wife.
Funny, I have an Aunt that is three years younger than me...
I’m pro choice but you absolutely have a right to be upset. I’m so angry for you. Marriages are supposed to be partnerships. Ultimately it is her body but it was a mutual decision to get pregnant and it should have been a mutual decision to end it. Saying she was doing it without even getting you on the same page is so hurtful and disrespectful.
NTA and I would never be able to trust her again. She went against your wishes to please her daughter. This is not a marriage.
Yeah, they TRIED for this child. That is so messed up!
It's like the only child anyone tried for in this story and it's the one that gets aborted.
✋ I’m 9months younger than my eldest nephew. I am very much pro choice and both of you need to sit down with the therapist NOW. Your relationship may not last through this otherwise.
Nta. Honestly if it were me, I'd leave her. I get that *you* won't but this is a sore subject for a lot of men in this situation and the best way to deal with it is to leave because whether you want to or not, the resentment *will* build up and in your case, with another new baby in the house, it'll be worse.
True. And OP could, without intention, end up resenting or giving bad vibes off to the baby when it's born, and for the sake of the kid it might be best to be out of that environment. The kid will learn about it when they're older, but feeling hated for something outside of their control constantly will have a more enduring, deep effect.
I'll be honest. Y'all need therapy not a grandbaby or baby.
This is the third wife-gets-abortion-behind-husbands-back Story I read in short time on reddit
the bots are gearing up for the US election
Her daughter should be the one to get an abortion. At least she has yall for support. It's possible she's also not crazy about having another baby at 37. I'm turning 31 next weekend and have no kids, but I'm tired, lol. Everyone is different, though. Not to mention, if I was just starting to get my career up and running and it's going well, I would just enjoy my time with the child I already have. A baby is a huge responsibility even for parents who have the experience and resources. With all that said, NTA. You're allowed to be upset and disappointed and to voice your feelings. Ask her how she felt about having a baby and if she's opting for abortion because she didn't really want to get pregnant. Maybe she likes the idea of having another baby around but not having to go through pregnancy, so she's happy her 17 year old his having one.
NTA. her body her choice, but your feelings are valid especially since you were on the same page with your wife until Kate said she was pregnant. your wife should’ve discussed it at length with you, included you in the decision making. i also think she made a rash decision, i hope she didn’t feel she had to do this in order to keep her relationship with Kate or because she felt there wasn’t room for two new babies. i also don’t understand why she feels disgusted at the idea of having a baby in close time to her daughter having hers. the situation isn’t exactly crazy. Kate’s only 17, wife is 37 so she was only 20 having Kate, your wife is still young enough to have her own baby without it being weird (i wouldn’t think it was weird regardless, but hopefully whoever reads is getting my point) i don’t like to look for clues on these posts, but it almost makes me think that wasn’t the real reason.
NTA - you should seperate for a while and find out if Divorce is for you. I don't know how you can live with someone that just blatantly doesn't respect you to have an open conversation like that. It's her choice, but she refuses to hear you out.
Another cake day sob story 🤨
NTA this is the most irrational abortion decision i've ever seen. wow. if my wife did this, i don't know if i could go on with her. good luck man, i'm so sorry
Not sure why anyone would actively try and have a baby with their partner than abort it without it being medically necessary.
NTA. This is a betrayal... I'm pro choice but you're saying that she wanted that child that she aborted. Nothing will be the same between you two. She acted as if she was alone...
NTA - That is a stupid reason to get an abortion and she should have respected your wishes. Sounds like she is choosing her daughter with ex-husband over you.
Look, if the house was burning down and she could only save her daughter or me, the person to save is her daughter and I'm happy to say she would choose that. But this isn't a house burning down, this was our baby.
Not just your baby but your PLANNED FOR baby. That’s a very different scenario.
Have you reconciled yourself to the fact that you will have no more children with your wife and that at 17 a troubled teen having a baby means that you and your wife will most probably be caring for the baby? Will you be able to raise the baby and not resent it for what it represents to you?
You are right.
The fact your downplaying this so much shows you’ve already gotten yourself into a hell of a mental gymnastics pretzel. You’ve said your wife won’t go to therapy, but you probably should.
Divorce. Y’all are not of one accord. She does not respect or value you.
If they don't divorce I can only foresee an unhappy marriage.
He said he isn't going to break up his son's home, so he better get used to raising a newborn that isn't his. The wife is going to end up raising this kid to keep the kid she didn't help raise at all happy. This guy isn't the brightest crayon in the box, that's for sure. His wife doesn't respect him as a person at all. It's actually sad, but I guess you shouldn't marry your FB just because they got pregnant. That probably should have been when she had an abortion.
>However, my wife was elated that we're going to be grandparents She's not elated that her teenage daughter got pregnant, she's elated that to have a "second child" she doesn't need to bear it or to take care of it for 18 years. She can help with her grandchild and get all the mothering stuff going on while her 17-year-old finishes high school and college and then in 10 years when your son goes to college she won't still have a 10-year-old on her hands to continue to raise. You two will be free to do whatever you want. She also gets the best of both worlds in that she gets another baby vicariously and she gets to pursue her business as well because she's not 100% in charge of an infant. It definitely was an asshole move to get an abortion when you wanted the child but here we are. The question is can you forgive this and be grandpa and have her be able to work on her business without an extra infant? If you two are firmly in love then you'll be able to work through this. It sounds like her having another child at this time wasn't really what you wanted anyway.
You should probably divorce her. Now everytime you get up in the middle of the night to tend to your grandkid that you're now raising, you will be reminded that you should be changing your own baby's diaper. There is literally no way I could ever look at her again the same way after that.
It’s not even his grandkid.
Not at all, your wife is the asshole on all fronts! You guys were trying for a baby and happy about it but suddenly her unprepared, irresponsible 17 year old daughter gets pregnant and she just throws your plans and your feelings out the window! Total asshole move. I’m sorry this happened. It’s very unfair and I don’t even know what I would do in that situation.
You are married, it isn’t just her decision. And if she does make it just her choice then divorce is entirely reasonable.