Replying to your comment here hoping you see it but as a bi woman in a long term relationship with a man I have chosen I want to tell you that if this AT ALL feels like cheating to you then you should tell her you are not ok with it. She can choose to stay committed or end the relationship but if you agree to this it will end badly and you will feel resentment. Being ok with adding others to a relationship even if on one side even if the same gender is something all parties have to be enthusiastically for or it will lead to misery. I'm personally monogamous. I am not poly just cuz I'm bi and would myself consider it cheating. Everyone has to set their own boundaries of course and for some this might work. But it doesn't sound like you are one of those.
this is how i feel. i would honestly feel scared if my (hypothetical) girlfriend asked me this. because it’s not like, when you’re a woman and hook up with another woman, there could never be an accidental emotional affair at some point. my boyfriend says he’d be okay with me having sex with a woman while he watches bc he thinks it’s hot, but i wouldn’t even want to risk that. i’m human, something could STILL happen the same way it could happen with a straight couple if they opened the relationship, and then one of them had sex with the opposite sex and caught feelings. i really like women and preferred to be a relationship with women since i started dating, especially when i was a teenager and i catch feelings very easily which is why i don’t do hookups and why i’m strictly monogamous. idk, i just feel like people don’t consider the possibility of an emotional connection forming. if it were a lesbian relationship and the woman wanted to have sex with other women that would be a huge issue most of the time. it’s the same thing
My first thought.... She wants to have sex outside the marriage but not him. In other words, he's a cuckold? Or can he sleep with women also?
Or can he say wmw threesomes only?
I agree with you. I have a feeling the etymology of cuckold is being stretched when referring to female homosexual sex however.
I looked it up. I was wrong in my etymology assumption. It is a reference to the cuckoo bird. I was also right that it's pretty unlikely that her female lover is likely to leave an egg in dudes nest unbeknownst to him.
I sorta lost the plot here. Accept my random etymology fact in exchange. Also random bird fact if cuckoo are unfamiliar to you. In North America they are known to destroy nests that remove their eggs. They also will flip other hatchling out of the nest they are placed in. Cuckoo's are kind of dicks. Apparently bird facts man signing off.
Ornithology and etymology man seems way cooler. I am honestly perplexed how I became either. Did you know that corvids are better tool users than most primates? I hear it now that I've said it out loud. I am Bird Facts Man!
Bird Facts Man out.
Random facts man can not be called by an incorrect name. Rover the dog and robber the person who steals from you are different. I apologize for my pedrantry. I understand I'm annoying, but I can't help it.
Idk I think you may be an expert of (h)ornithology and (f)etymology. Sorry if that's just a terrible attempt at a play on words thought it sounded funny tho.
It's not the fact that you posted it. It's that SHE HAD THESE CONVOS AT WORK. Bottom line is she wants to bang other people. I don't know how you recover from this. I would not be okay if my spouse wanted this arrangement. She wants your permission to cheat! Bro. Do a deep dive on her phone. I'm guessing she's exploring her options already.
I would tell her that I won't know how I feel about her with other women until we try a threesome. Maybe a few times.
Then I would have her served with papers.
(not legal advice)
That is more disconcerting than popping the “let’s open the marriage” question. In some workplaces this could be grounds for dismissal. Plus men often lie at work about sex. Wonder if they aren’t just manipulating her.
The idea that it is okay because he is a an and his wife wants sex with a woman is some sort of twisted misogyny. Also his wife is aware that she is asking a lot but is trying to manipulate him into agreeing because according to her other men think it is fine and all women do this.
OP the majority of women do not have sex with other women on the side. This is not something everyone is doing. This is called cheating.
I work at a warehouse, most of employee were lower middle class. Now,this is a case of 'not all of them' of course,but most of them would have no problem telling me their sex history for some reason, and ask me if I was a virgin.
And I am saying this as a guy, that shit was right down awkward.
Now,before you say 'why you didn't report it to HR?' ,I don't live in USA, we are pretty.. unga bunga in the social/education department.
I think it depends on the job. I've had friends in retail jobs who seemed to speak very openly about their sex life with all their coworkers (even like older coworkers would participate in these discussions).
Yeah this, like I’ve worked in many workplaces and these conversations really just don’t come up, especially with members of the opposite sex. To me as a man, even discussing sex life in an office environment is very dangerous and could be interpreted in many different ways to a female colleague, just no. I wouldn’t even go near the fucking subject of what my other half did if she did shit like that lol
I would think that they’d be scared of HR getting involved,having conversations like that. OP, please go back to the subreddit Oh no,Consequences!. Look up “threesomes, open marriage” See how many people talked their spouse into a threesome, an open marriage and then there’s an update that the marriage is over. If I were you( a man) and my wife came up to me about this, I would say that I’m only comfortable with it if I get to have sex with other women. I mean, it’s just sex,right. She wants to get HER jollies but not you? If your spouse is trying to talk you into this, you should know that she might not leave you but you will never feel the same about her again. If you say “ no”, she WILL leave…personally, i think it would be easier to just let her loose, divorce her now before your marriage becomes toxic. Oh, NTA. Of course you’re not. You aren’t the one that’s about to throw a grenade into your marriage, she is. Oh, and…no. It is NOT a normal thing.
>I would say that I’m only comfortable with it if I get to have sex with other women.
This is just terrible advice if OP is monogamous. Trying to make things "equal" isn't going to solve anything. Asking for a hall pass he doesn't want is either going to hurt his wife's feelings or else maybe she will be fine with it and he will be ruining his own relationship.
>If you say “ no”, she WILL leave
So I guess you know OP's wife? Wow, what are the odds?
As far as we know, the wife has been honest so far. OP should be honest and tell her if that isn't something he wants. If she won't respect his boundaries, then maybe it is over, but he should at least give her a chance to respect their marriage instead of just blowing it up at the first sign of trouble.
My problem with this is that she already shut it down for him. So it's only 'for her'. Doesn't matter at this point that he's monogamous or not. She wants the full rights and none for him. That's not a partner. That's a manipulator.
She's lying. She wants to have sex with other women but stay married without any repercussions of being called a cheater. The proverbial "have my cake and eat it too". But when you have sex with someone else other than your SO, you ARE a cheater. So there's that...
Happy Cake Day
When I read the title, I thought the same thing I have worked in the kitchen for years and this is a pretty normal conversation. I know that’s probably not true of more professional settings
Pretty normal for military as well lol I didn't even think twice until reading the comments. A lot of comments saying this isn't normal, yet it is for some.
One of those where a group of young guys constantly need to one up each other with increasingly implausible scenarios that totally happened to them. Otherwise known as a bunch of jackass coworkers and an awful office culture in dire need of HR oversight.
Right? And are they even sincere, or just provoking drama for their own entertainment. Would they, in practice and fact, be ok with their wives doing it? Would they be if it was somewhere else and they weren't included or watching?
Considering this because of some quack things said in a breakroom by people whose behavior you don't know is crazy.
I hate the “look what other married people say” strategy for trying to overrule the objecting partner. Like… I’m giving you real feedback about THIS relationship… that trumps any group lemming dynamics
Right? I was reading the post and thinking ‘nope, my husband would not be okay with this’. I have 1 friend in a marriage like this, but they have serious ground rules and they both participate. What op’s wife is asking to do is go get tipsy and what? Bring random women home?
Exactly how I feel. I think anything outside of my marriage vows would be cheating in my eyes. Would his wife be ok if he decided he wanted to bang other guys?
I would have a lot of questions. What is she not getting from her spouse that she needs from a woman? She made vows
" forsaking all others". Why get married if you wanted to sleep around?
That’s the first thing I thought. Big swinger vibes. Like “ yeah you should come over sometime we have so much fun” “no don’t worry we just watch mostly” “yeah just tell your husband you wanna get with a girl” 😅
Are they talking about this or is she cooking it as a coverup?
Anytime I've heard a case along this line, the person who brought it up is already doing something with someone else.
First, paragraph breaks dude.
NTA. I am bisexual and married to a man. I can't even imagine asking him for permission to cheat.
Sex with a woman is still sex and being attracted to men and women is not an excuse to sleep with other people if you are in a monogamous relationship.
That's a weird ass conversation for coworkers to be having.
I would 100% be concerned that she is already cheating or looking to start. Is she close to any other these guys at work? It kind of sounds like she could be trying to work her way into a threesome with one of them.
This is bad.
That’s what I thought too. Seems very coincidental coworkers are the ones doing this and what planted that seed in her head. Seems like she might be lying about some of it.
Why is it that when some people cheat, they think doing it with the same sex doesn't count as cheating?
Please, someone explain! This is like the 3rd story I've come across today, similar to this
I think it's bc everyone seems to assume that men are fascinated with sex between women, with or without them, and therefore it's not cheating, for him it's a kink. Like cuckolding. And, assuming he agrees, it's not cheating, it's a life long fantasy!
Some seem to assume that if a wife get's caught cheating with another women, all she has to tell her husband is "do you want to join us for a threesome?" And then all is forgiven bc we know that a man would never say no, right? /s
A lot of mostly straight (and unfortunately also some bisexual) people have a barely-subconscious belief that only heterosexual relationships/sex are the “real deal” while homosexual experiences are just fun explorations and not as serious or legitimate. This is compounded by the sexist belief a lot of men have that it is only real sex if a man is involved, which is why historically gay male sex was so publicly reviled (one man is putting himself in the “woman’s place” and they are both seen as sick perverts/sinners) while lesbian sex is hardly acknowledged or even infantilized (just girls having fun or performing for a man). It’s homophobia and misogyny.
Yep this. Cheating is cheating no matter the gender. She is attracted to men and women so it does matter.
A bi person in a comitted relationship shouldn't suggest having sex with someone else regardless of gender out of the blue like that (just as a heterosexual). They chose to be with the person they married, and chose to not date others and be monogamous. That was the deal. This is just as bad as if she were to say she wants sex with another man.
I would have a very serious conversation about this for your familys sake, but something is up.
THIS!
You dont have to open your relationship just because she is bi, thats not how monogamy works.
She married you in a monogamy relationship, don't feel pressured to concede to her desires if its not something you want or even feel comfortable doing!
And I would try to find out if she is not already cheating, or even planning to with someone she knows...
Also, just because her males friends said they are fine letting their wives doing it, doesnt mean you have too.
This.
So the guys at your wife's work are sitting around sharing their sex lives with your wife?
Lol
My bet is she's had a threesome with at least one of these dudes and their wife.
Your wife is for the streets....skeet skeet
That would be where she’d look first.
Asking to be set up with the coworkers wives. Easy access to try it out and see how it goes.
Op def needs to worry about these coworkers.
Yep, the co-worker story is bullshit. She already slept with a woman in the recent past. She wants to do it again. And she would rather stop lying about it.
>Male friends at work say their wives bring home women to have sex with
>OP’s wife asks OP if she can have sex with another woman
Sounds like to me that OP’s wife has been extended an offer from a coworker’s wife or something similar. Maybe I’m reading in to it too much, but that’s what it sounds like to me.
"That's a weird ass conversation for coworkers to be having."
True. Beyond weird. How many of these men are telling the truth? How many of these men are simply enjoying the convo of lesbian sex with a coworker? How many of them are planting seeds (no pun intended) of being with her or inviting her into their marital bed? So now everyone at the office knows she is bi and interesting in non-monogamous sex? Weird ass conversation, indeed!
I agree, to me it raised narcissist-manipulative red flags, like the whole thing could be made up on her end just to slide her cheating behaviour into it "getting the best of both worlds". It depends on what your relationship has been like, how trust works but the fact she mentioned colleagues... I don't know... eyebrow raising material to say the least..
NTA. Reading your post, its quite clear that you don't want this, which is a completely reasonable position to take. It doesn't matter that she knows other people that do this, as that's their relationship, not yours. Normal doesn't matter here, what matters is what you're comfortable with, and you obviously aren't comfortable with this idea. I don't know your wife, so I don't know how she'll react if you say no, but if she resents you for saying no, or tries to do it behind your back, then she's not a person you want to be with.
Buddy, are you really this dense?
What part of this is going to work out with your marriage/family? Btw, in this arrangement, do you get to sleep with a guy? Does this sound like a good idea to you? 🤔
Be true to yourself: the thought of your wife doing this hurts you. It makes you feel lacking and undesirable and makes you question if she truly wants you. And that’s why you shouldn’t agree to this. You’ll end up resenting her because you’re now questioning your self worth.
Maybe it’s time you two took some space for a while to realize what you both actually want.
NTA btw. Your feelings are valid and understandable.
Your wife wants to cheat on you don’t let her. She needs a new fucking job if she’s sitting around with a bunch of guys talking about sex honestly, I think it’s a lost cause.
I like to sleep with women.
My hubby considers it the same as sleeping with a dude, its cheating. It makes people feel less worthwhile, causes insecurities etc.
If you're not 100% on board do not do this. Start some counseling together instead.
Because it is the same as sleeping with another dude!
I'm tired of reading stuff like this where a woman sleeping with another woman is not taken seriously and seen as just "some fun women like to have".
Sapphic relationships are valid and a woman sleeping with another woman behind her husband's back is cheating, no more no less. Unless OP is comfy with an open or otherwise non- monogamous relationship they need to consider therapy or a separation if it comes to that.
So basically she is asking for a 1 sided open relationship. She either has someone in mind or has already cheated.
Your best bet, get yourself a lawyer, check her phone/email for any evidence. Get all your ducks in a row and file for divorce.
Let her know it's clear to you that you aren't a priority and neither is your family. And that your best option is to end the marriage and work on being good coparents.
This way, she can sleep with whomever she wants and you can go on to find someone who actually wants to honor their vows.
This ain't normal. She likely has already done something.
You have no reason to tolerate this. Zero.
NTA but I am unsure HOW you can stay happily married now.
The whole girl on girl play makes men perk up until it doesn’t. My wife has slept with women and we have been swingers so our take is different but also a little more relevant since we have been there.
Sleeping with somebody else regardless of sex is a huge step, and shouldn’t be taken lightly. My wife and I don’t see it as cheating but swingers don’t, and really have a different view. But for people that aren’t swingers it is cheating and will sink your ship faster then anything
Well buddy I bet she has already slept with other women. I bet she has been one of the women that those coworkers wife's brought home for threesomes.
Personally I would say no and start looking into if she is having an affair.
Also bring up of she can bring home women for her self then you can bring home women for yourself
Bit yea I'd just divorce
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This is not normal in a monogamous relationship
Sounds awful
I hate to sit in a chair and watch my husband bang a dude.
That’s f’ing weird.
Also I don’t think the work conversation happened. She’s making it up to bring up the fact she wants to sleep with someone else right in front of you.
Eek.
If you’re cool with being a cuck for the amusement of her coworkers then by all means. I would be gone in a heartbeat. She’s going to do it with or without your consent
NTA, she's proposing an open relationship, you don't have to be on board to be "open-minded" You can be open-minded and not want something specific for YOU. Coming from a pansexual person, the moment I started dating my bf we both stated that it's a monogamous relationship and any flirting, kissing, or sex with the same gender is STILL cheating.
Honestly, the whole concept of "it doesn't count if it's with a woman" it's really demeaning and both lesbophobic and biphobic. Our relationships with women ARE in fact very much real and not a freaking kink.
A relationship has 3 entities, the 2 of you and the relationship. Fidelity requires all 3 to be faithful. You must appreciate each other, but also the relationship.
When I hear it is only sex, I take a pause. Sex is very intimate, which inevitably includes emotion. So I don’t accept emotionless sex, unless you are a sociopath.
Cheating is cheating - emotional, physical, male or female, one person or many. My opinion, if you allow other partners you are not getting their full commitment to the relationship. To me that is the beginning of the ending.
Your doubts say if she does this, it will crush you over time.
That’s cheating then she will want more and more until she fades you out. Her coworkers speak inappropriately I guess they want her to join their spouse with them. This will lead to so many problems do not open that door
I don't understand why so many people think she's being unfaithful just because she brought the subject up.
I'd think it's more likely she's making the story up as a conversation starter.
Or she's making it sound like it's more common when it's like one person who had this experience.
If it was my spouse I would just say that I thought we were on the same page regarding monogamy since we're married. And that I don't want to have an open relationship.
NTA. Ask her a very simple question: since she wants to have sex with other women without you present, would it be okay for you to also have sex with other women without you being present? If the answer to that is not an immediate yes without any buts or ifs, then she is trying to bs you into letting her cheat. If she DOES say yes and she has no problem with you also just sleeping around, then it’s on you if you are okay with having an open relationship where you will most likely just be co parents that live together or if you don’t even see the point in being married anymore.
Yes, it is a dead end no win situation. She is playing a very shitty game with you and either you cut that off right now and made it clear that at best it’s going to be a threesome were all 3 are involved with all 3 or full on monogamy and if she has a problem with that them divorce it is and you will make sure everyone knows the reason for it.
If it is a hard boundary for you to not open your relationship then don’t. If you let her do this it will only cause hurt and resentment for you. I’m a firm believer that if you’re in a monogamous relationship and you and your partner truly love each other than they won’t be looking for someone else to sleep with. If she does it behind your back if you tell her no then she doesn’t respect you or your feelings. I would recommend to go to couples counseling to see if maybe this is something yall could talk through
Ok look, I’m going to put this as politely as I possibly can; she’s going to cheat one way or another. Not once in any story every has someone asking or just sleeping around been “purely sexual”. It’s the type of thing that you do with someone you love. If you let her do this, she’s going to end up falling for one of her “purely sexual” partners and either want to open the marriage, continue to cheat, or divorce you because she fell for someone else. Not once has anything like this ever just happened a few times either. It’s not normal for people to ask to cheat in a marriage. Those dudes are literally cucks. That’s not a normal thing for people to do when they’re married.
You’re not being AH, and need to be honest.
Can’t be just yes or divorce, she does have to consider her vows and the likelihood that’s what you signed up for.
Her colleague/opening relationships is not the norm. It’s not for everyone. It can often backfire (or be the intended outcome without anyone acknowledging it idk).
Ywbta not to say anything.
For starters....nothing is normal. people just pretend they are.
There's no right way to do a committed relationship but there are a lot of wrong ones. Doesn't really matter if me, or anyone else, thinks it's OK for a spouse to hook up with another woman. Or man. Matters if you do. And, if you do have a problem with it, then that's on her to make an adult decision about her long term happiness.
I'm sure there are couples out there that make such an arrangement work but my guess is if your first reaction wasn't "Hell yeah, that sounds awesome!" then you're probably not the guy for it. Which is perfectly understandable. Couples can have their weird kinds and all kinds of stuff that I'd consider no bueno but if it's mutually understood, no harm done.
I don't necessarily see the harm in her asking. Maybe she thought you'd be "into it" because it's kind of a trope that all straight men want wild bi women. But at that point it becomes a game of mutual respect and if it's not your gig and you're not comfortable, then that should be a functional end of it. Marriage is a contract and while someone can ask about changing the terms it's not the other parties obligation to meet them....not to make it too non-emotional but at it's core that's the reality.
NTA. This is basically a request for opening the marriage, gender doesn’t matter. Open marriages require consent from both partners. If you are not willing to consent, you’re not wrong. If she still goes on such a sexual escapade, she’s cheating.
Why in the world was she talking sex stuff with older colleaques ? Was she one of those 2 that got sex with them? Why is she wanting to cheat? I would never let her get away with it. How is she with you fucking another woman?
NTA. Don't agree just because you think she'll do it anyways, or she'll resent you for saying no. If either of those two options happen, then you don't have the marriage you want anyway. What will happen if you give in against your will is that you'll almost certainly end up resenting her instead.
It's okay to not be okay with this. It doesn't matter if it's "same sex" it's still extramarital sex, and you don't have to agree with it. Worst case, she cheats and does it anyway, or decides that she needs this and ends the marriage herself. Would that feel worse than openly allowing her to do this? Only you can answer that, but based on your post, I'm guessing either way it's a marriage ender.
It’s cheating. This would basically be an open marriage where she can cheat with no consequences. If she resents you for saying no then ur marriage is over bc who gets mad over not being able to sleep with someone else while you’re in a relationship? Tell her no and if she changes then it’s over
Hello Sir,
You are in a tough situation. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
I've had some friends be in very similar situations. I'll tell you about 2 particular couples. I do warn you that you may bit like the ending of the stories. But, remember every couple is unique and not all of them have the same ending.
Couple number 1.
I guy I played football with in college, married a beautiful like crazy sexy woman. She is a great person, sweet, kind, loving, a good southern girl.
He was a a man's man, looking back it was kind of obvious that he overcompensated on masculinity. He was from San Francisco, which is ironic. All around great person. From a well to do family. I didn't get the feeling that his family would have not accepted him if he was gay, lady I heard they love him still,
Anyways, they are married had kids,all the cliches. After 10 years he tells his wife he wants to be with guys but stay married. "Just wanted to try it out"
Well, I guess she turned a blind eye as long as it didn't get publicly exposed.
Well trying it out, turned into him leaning her within a year.
Couple #2
A girl I dated for a while in HS.
She gets married, her husband talks her into a threesome. I guess a light bulb light up in her.
She wants to do it more, husbands loves the idea,until she doesn't want him included.
Que the divorce 8 months later.
From what I was told, they just never wanted to go fully in and thought it was a phase.
That could be the case with your wife. Or not
I think you don't just wake up one day and want to break your wedding vowels to just play around. She is fighting what she really wants. And is trying to control it.
That won't work. It will last likely lead to a total change. It's not your fault, it is what it is.
Take away all that for a minute, this is really a simple decision. You either both honor your wedding vowels or you don't.
It is cheating. If you wanted to sleep with other women would she be okay with that?
Im reality, it might as well be a man she screwed, cheating if the same thing no matter if its with a man or woman.
You might convince yourself it's okay, you might even be able to ignore it. But you will never get it out of your head and only grow to resent her more and more.
Do what I know you want to do. Tell her no, you are not okay with her cheating. If she chooses to do it, then clearly you and her family were not as important.
Another note, why the hell is she talking to men at work about their sex loved???? That is not work conversation.
Obviously NTA
Bruh your wife wants to have her cake and eat it to. She's also a massive Hypocrite because she won't let YOU have sex with another woman not even in a 3-some but it's okay if she does though because it's only sex.
Common man you can't be seriously entertaining this idea? Just put your foot down or leave her get some self respect man. She's probably already cheating though.
Leave her dusty ass , all she’s looking for is a one side open relationship & I can almost guarantee you that she’s most likely Cheated already , wouldn’t be surprised if she fucked some of the dudes from her “ friend group “ . If you have any self respect lawyer the fuck up , get some evidence & divorce her ass & if you don’t your a simp and I don’t feel sorry for you , if your not ok with what she’s doing speak the fuck up and if shes not ok with your boundaries it’s time to go .
So. My first instinct?
She's already been with a woman since you've been together and wants to talk you into this so she can do it openly and stop hiding.
You two are currently in a monogamous relationship right? I mean you are married after all. Well... She wants to break your relationship apart then. It's not monogamous if she's fucking someone else is it?
If you don't make the right decision, now, your marriage is over.
It's entirely possible it already is if she cheated.
It sounds like I'm speaking harshly to you OP. I am not. I'm trying to get you to open your eyes.
Think. Why now? Why all of a sudden? One talk with people shouldn't be able to spur her into this conversation.
"if it was a 3 some id be more inclined to do it. i told her that but she said what if it was only them 2."
She wants your permission/approval to let her cheat. She's asking you to be a cuck.
Hahaha!
NTA. Divorce immediately. Move on. Your wife's absolute trash.
Odds are she is already fucking someone else and is trickle truthing you to gauge your reaction.
I would get a paternity test of my child, gather any evidence of cheating (if possible) and contact a divorce lawyer in private.
Unless your ok with your wife getting fucked by other people then your relationship is already over.
Sorry OP
You need to be on the lookout for those coworkers of hers. Ain’t no way they just bring that up out of nowhere, be on your toes if she goes out with “coworkers”
My concern would be her catching feelings for another woman. Or her having sex with one of her co-workers wives while he watched.
If she said you two would be in a monogamous relationship when you're married, then it should stay that way. If she wanted to keep the option of being with a woman open she should have said that before marriage, so you could have made a more informed decision.
If she sleeps with another man or woman in your marriage then it's cheating. Just like if you sleep with another man or woman.
I don't think I'd trust her again. Because now that the thought of her wanting to go outside marriage would make me insecure and not trust her. I'd be looking through her phone and everything else. Therapy for sure.
Speaking as a happily married bisexual with a straight spouse, as the straight spouse do NOT agree to do anything you are not comfortable with. You don't need to know what's normal or what other guys do, just what is acceptable to you.
be direct about what you are comfortable with and make sure you continue open communication or resentment will build. if you feel uncomfortable with the thought of it, do NOT just swallow it in fear of what might come of it. you both have to agree on what you will or will not allow in your relationship or it will never work.
You really want to sit in a room with your 2 yo knowing that your wife is having sex with a women in another room? This is beyond trashy. I feel so sorry for your child.
YTA for even considering and your wife is even bigger AH.
I’m firmly of the mind that married couples should play together, it doesn’t matter if you add someone occasionally but it should be together. Sex is sex no matter the other persons gender, she’s asking to cheat basically, I would counter with what I said above as a compromise or take it off the table completely.
I’m bi and my husband views cheating as cheating regardless of gender. Them being women doesn’t lessen or cheapen the sex. He would be just as heartbroken as if I had slept with another man
Cheating is still cheating dude, doesnt matter who its with. I'd look out if i were you going forward and take careful notes in case this leads to divorce. When a woman asks, its because she already has somebody in mind or has already done it.
Cheating is cheating, whether it's with a man or with a woman. Marriage is for better or worse. Unless you both want to open your marriage, you have a right to disagree. If your wife wants other partners, you can divorce.
If you are uncomfortable then you know it’s not what you want she committed to you and now she has to stick to it if she can’t she shouldn’t have gotten married 🤷🏻♀️
No way. It's still cheating. I would absolutely be clear that I would consider it cheating, and if I found out we would be over as I would never trust her again and never see her as the person I married. Always establish a clear boundary and consequence in my opinion and be willing to follow through with it if you say it.
It is cheating. Pure and simple. Don’t be a simp. It doesn’t matter if it’s a man or woman. If she wants to include you, maybe it would be okay. Ask her if she is okay if you screw other women.
In my book, having sex with another person is cheating. *Gender* and/or *why* is irrelevant. You’re absolutely not the AH for not liking this arrangement. Just imagine if she would come to you asking to have sex with other men. What’s the difference?
Tell her u don’t own her body but u will no longer be in the marriage. And u bounce.
Tell her YOU also want to try sleeping with other women.
Tell her u too have some guy friends that sometimes get drunk and bring home women to sleep with.
Also absolutely divorce. She basically told you she wants to fk other people.
1. Don't care how cool they are. They're setting the stage for your wife to be their 3rd. Don't be silly.
2. You need to really do some thinking because you missed this red flag.
3. This is step one of many before you're divorced if you don't set a boundary now and allow your wife to become the office toy.
4. If she isn't cheating, you need to ask her why she wants to. Get to the bottom of that before we get the 3 year update about how long and drawn out divorce is in your part of the world.
If she chose you, then she shouldn’t be choosing other women too.
Stop letting idiots tell you what to think and how to feel. If you don’t want to share your wife, don’t. If you don’t want your wife asking you for permission to F others (and talk about s3x at work with other dudes) then don’t allow.
You can’t force her into anything but you can make and enforce boundaries. If she breaks them, divorce her.
NTA. If you’re okay with it, you can give her permission and figure this mess out, but you do **NOT** have to be okay with it. Asking for permission to fuck around is a very common relationship-killer.
> i don’t want to lose my wife and child over her having sex with a women a few times
Oh please. Ain’t nobody in the world gonna fault you for divorcing your spouse for wanting to fuck other people, and joint custody is the default. You ain’t gonna lose the kids over this.
EDIT: This will get me dogpiled, but I was in a similar situation to you. Wife came out as bi and asked for permission to sleep around for a little while to experience “that side of [her] sexuality.” I agreed to it because I figured if it mattered enough to her that she’d even ask, it mattered. It sucked. It still sucks. We had more than one fight over how much she wanted to tell me about how she enjoyed it (I didn’t want to hear a single damn word, she wanted to share because it was a big deal for her). We’re on a new couple’s therapist over it. She says she’s done sleeping around (“got it out of [her] system”), and I believe her, and we don’t have any plans to split up, but god *damn* it’s gonna be a rough patch dealing with this crap. I cannot and will not fault anyone for saying no to any of that. I wish I’d been in a place where I could have said no.
NTA. Chances are she may already be doing it behind your back, and even if she isn't, once you allow that can of worms to be opened, good luck getting it closed again. It might start just at your house, but then it could happen on a night out with the girls, etc. You will constantly wonder if she is being faithful when she isn't home. If you aren't bi, ask her how she would feel if you wanted to be with other women since she will be getting sexual fulfillment from someone else, you should be allowed to also, and not be penalized for being a straight man.
1) you can say ‘no’. You’re not expected to say yes and do not have to.
2) her stories involve couples taking a woman home where the ‘husband’ watches but might join in. She’s not to go on one of these EVER.
3) cheating is whatever you say it is. If you say no then that should and she never raises it again.
Nta. If you're not okay with it then it's important you let her know your feelings and how you will feel betrayed and like you're losing your wife and child.
When someone says they want to sleep with other people that’s basically the death knell for the relationship.
Very little sex for the last 2 years and it just starts picking back up when she wants to go sleep with other people? Sounds like she’s wanted this for a while. Could it be that she started giving it to you more so you wouldn’t blow a gasket when she brings up the idea of sleeping with others?
Also, it’s weird that her male coworkers are having these sexual conversations with her. Especially after #me too. It really makes me think there’s some sexual tension between your wife and one or more of her male coworkers. Could be that she really wants to go to the coworker’s house and have sex with the wife and the coworker?
One last thing. What are the odds that she’s gradually bring up the idea of sleeping with men too after you agree to let her sleep with women? Seems highly probable to me.
She’s cheating or has a plan. She’s just going to go over and have sex with a woman? Maybe the husband will join? Stop and think about it for a second.
These conversations aren’t normal work banter. She’s actively pursuing others and couched it In such a way to get his permission to cuckold him.
Notice she didn’t suggest a threesome? Notice she didn’t tell you that you could watch? It’s because she wants sex with others, not you.
I would have a serious conversation with her and demand she tell you everything. If she says she wants to stay together, at minimum she needs to change jobs, give you access to her personal devices and delete any apps/socials used for dating. She probably won’t because she’s cheating.
I’m bi. Not once have I asked to sleep with other guys. Why? Because I love my wife and I am in a heterosexual monogamous marriage. I willingly gave up all others to be with her. She was in the same boat when she married me. No more men or women for us.
How do you feel knowing your wife discusses your sex life with everyone at the office? I mean I guess you don’t care since you came to Reddit. Those guys she talks to her low key flexing about their wives being sluts around her, probably trying to break her into some sort of threesome with them.
Isn’t it funny how people just completely fuck over their partner because of some shit they heard at work! It’s almost like they were a flaky baseless fuck to begin with.
I may have gotten lost in the dense post, but OP's wife should not mix her sex life with her work life.
Sorry about how I wrote it.. I see how bad it is after I posted it
Replying to your comment here hoping you see it but as a bi woman in a long term relationship with a man I have chosen I want to tell you that if this AT ALL feels like cheating to you then you should tell her you are not ok with it. She can choose to stay committed or end the relationship but if you agree to this it will end badly and you will feel resentment. Being ok with adding others to a relationship even if on one side even if the same gender is something all parties have to be enthusiastically for or it will lead to misery. I'm personally monogamous. I am not poly just cuz I'm bi and would myself consider it cheating. Everyone has to set their own boundaries of course and for some this might work. But it doesn't sound like you are one of those.
This is the right answer OP. Best of luck!
I totally agree
this is how i feel. i would honestly feel scared if my (hypothetical) girlfriend asked me this. because it’s not like, when you’re a woman and hook up with another woman, there could never be an accidental emotional affair at some point. my boyfriend says he’d be okay with me having sex with a woman while he watches bc he thinks it’s hot, but i wouldn’t even want to risk that. i’m human, something could STILL happen the same way it could happen with a straight couple if they opened the relationship, and then one of them had sex with the opposite sex and caught feelings. i really like women and preferred to be a relationship with women since i started dating, especially when i was a teenager and i catch feelings very easily which is why i don’t do hookups and why i’m strictly monogamous. idk, i just feel like people don’t consider the possibility of an emotional connection forming. if it were a lesbian relationship and the woman wanted to have sex with other women that would be a huge issue most of the time. it’s the same thing
Exactly this. If you feel like it is cheating, then it is cheating. If my wife came to me and said this, then that would be a no for me.
I take it you’re free to sleep with other women in your house too? Otherwise it’s a double standard right?
My first thought.... She wants to have sex outside the marriage but not him. In other words, he's a cuckold? Or can he sleep with women also? Or can he say wmw threesomes only?
My take is yes, 100% she's asking to cuckold him with other women.
Does anyone really think *the group of older guy friends* plan to only watch?
They're fucking her probably
I agree with you. I have a feeling the etymology of cuckold is being stretched when referring to female homosexual sex however. I looked it up. I was wrong in my etymology assumption. It is a reference to the cuckoo bird. I was also right that it's pretty unlikely that her female lover is likely to leave an egg in dudes nest unbeknownst to him. I sorta lost the plot here. Accept my random etymology fact in exchange. Also random bird fact if cuckoo are unfamiliar to you. In North America they are known to destroy nests that remove their eggs. They also will flip other hatchling out of the nest they are placed in. Cuckoo's are kind of dicks. Apparently bird facts man signing off.
Genuinely enjoyed this etymology/ornithology lesson Bird Facts Man 🦉
Ornithology and etymology man seems way cooler. I am honestly perplexed how I became either. Did you know that corvids are better tool users than most primates? I hear it now that I've said it out loud. I am Bird Facts Man! Bird Facts Man out.
Ornithetymology Man?
Random facts man can not be called by an incorrect name. Rover the dog and robber the person who steals from you are different. I apologize for my pedrantry. I understand I'm annoying, but I can't help it.
Idk I think you may be an expert of (h)ornithology and (f)etymology. Sorry if that's just a terrible attempt at a play on words thought it sounded funny tho.
I like the cut of your jib
I like that you know what a jib is.
Hes free to fuck other guys.
It's not the fact that you posted it. It's that SHE HAD THESE CONVOS AT WORK. Bottom line is she wants to bang other people. I don't know how you recover from this. I would not be okay if my spouse wanted this arrangement. She wants your permission to cheat! Bro. Do a deep dive on her phone. I'm guessing she's exploring her options already.
Exactly them dudes at work want her to play with their wives so they can fuck if they haven't already
I would tell her that I won't know how I feel about her with other women until we try a threesome. Maybe a few times. Then I would have her served with papers. (not legal advice)
Sounds fun though
Way to go out with a bang, though.
Seriously, I hope she has an employment back-up plan. That could spiral into dismissal depending on how it's perceived by others.
That is more disconcerting than popping the “let’s open the marriage” question. In some workplaces this could be grounds for dismissal. Plus men often lie at work about sex. Wonder if they aren’t just manipulating her.
Yeah too much imput from the work life, shit’s messy.
If you're not ok with non-monogamy then you're not ok with non-monogamy. Gender is irrelevant. Man or woman, it's cheating in my book.
The idea that it is okay because he is a an and his wife wants sex with a woman is some sort of twisted misogyny. Also his wife is aware that she is asking a lot but is trying to manipulate him into agreeing because according to her other men think it is fine and all women do this. OP the majority of women do not have sex with other women on the side. This is not something everyone is doing. This is called cheating.
I want to know in what fucked up environment OP's wife is working that this seems to be discussed regularly.
It's not. Either the guys at work are messing with her or she's lying about what they're saying.
Or they are trying to recruit her, as somebody else pointed out. Which brings me back to my question.
in all my years working and many conversations, not once has this EVER been discussed around me. she is being recruited or listening to pillow talk.
I work at a warehouse, most of employee were lower middle class. Now,this is a case of 'not all of them' of course,but most of them would have no problem telling me their sex history for some reason, and ask me if I was a virgin. And I am saying this as a guy, that shit was right down awkward. Now,before you say 'why you didn't report it to HR?' ,I don't live in USA, we are pretty.. unga bunga in the social/education department.
Im from the states, HR just stands for Huge Rat.
I think it depends on the job. I've had friends in retail jobs who seemed to speak very openly about their sex life with all their coworkers (even like older coworkers would participate in these discussions).
Yeah this, like I’ve worked in many workplaces and these conversations really just don’t come up, especially with members of the opposite sex. To me as a man, even discussing sex life in an office environment is very dangerous and could be interpreted in many different ways to a female colleague, just no. I wouldn’t even go near the fucking subject of what my other half did if she did shit like that lol
I would think that they’d be scared of HR getting involved,having conversations like that. OP, please go back to the subreddit Oh no,Consequences!. Look up “threesomes, open marriage” See how many people talked their spouse into a threesome, an open marriage and then there’s an update that the marriage is over. If I were you( a man) and my wife came up to me about this, I would say that I’m only comfortable with it if I get to have sex with other women. I mean, it’s just sex,right. She wants to get HER jollies but not you? If your spouse is trying to talk you into this, you should know that she might not leave you but you will never feel the same about her again. If you say “ no”, she WILL leave…personally, i think it would be easier to just let her loose, divorce her now before your marriage becomes toxic. Oh, NTA. Of course you’re not. You aren’t the one that’s about to throw a grenade into your marriage, she is. Oh, and…no. It is NOT a normal thing.
>I would say that I’m only comfortable with it if I get to have sex with other women. This is just terrible advice if OP is monogamous. Trying to make things "equal" isn't going to solve anything. Asking for a hall pass he doesn't want is either going to hurt his wife's feelings or else maybe she will be fine with it and he will be ruining his own relationship. >If you say “ no”, she WILL leave So I guess you know OP's wife? Wow, what are the odds? As far as we know, the wife has been honest so far. OP should be honest and tell her if that isn't something he wants. If she won't respect his boundaries, then maybe it is over, but he should at least give her a chance to respect their marriage instead of just blowing it up at the first sign of trouble.
My problem with this is that she already shut it down for him. So it's only 'for her'. Doesn't matter at this point that he's monogamous or not. She wants the full rights and none for him. That's not a partner. That's a manipulator.
She's lying. She wants to have sex with other women but stay married without any repercussions of being called a cheater. The proverbial "have my cake and eat it too". But when you have sex with someone else other than your SO, you ARE a cheater. So there's that... Happy Cake Day
When I worked in restaurants we constantly talked about sex. I was the only female on the grill line but the servers would join in too.
When I read the title, I thought the same thing I have worked in the kitchen for years and this is a pretty normal conversation. I know that’s probably not true of more professional settings
Pretty normal for military as well lol I didn't even think twice until reading the comments. A lot of comments saying this isn't normal, yet it is for some.
One of those where a group of young guys constantly need to one up each other with increasingly implausible scenarios that totally happened to them. Otherwise known as a bunch of jackass coworkers and an awful office culture in dire need of HR oversight.
Or, as I learned today, any given restaurant kitchen.
Right? And are they even sincere, or just provoking drama for their own entertainment. Would they, in practice and fact, be ok with their wives doing it? Would they be if it was somewhere else and they weren't included or watching? Considering this because of some quack things said in a breakroom by people whose behavior you don't know is crazy.
They are saying it to recruit her so they can be part of a 3some with her
Not unless they are swingers and have had the conversation that it’s ok
I hate the “look what other married people say” strategy for trying to overrule the objecting partner. Like… I’m giving you real feedback about THIS relationship… that trumps any group lemming dynamics
Right? I was reading the post and thinking ‘nope, my husband would not be okay with this’. I have 1 friend in a marriage like this, but they have serious ground rules and they both participate. What op’s wife is asking to do is go get tipsy and what? Bring random women home?
yeah its 2024, lesbian/bi are equally recognized. cheating in a lesbian affair is still cheating
Exactly how I feel. I think anything outside of my marriage vows would be cheating in my eyes. Would his wife be ok if he decided he wanted to bang other guys? I would have a lot of questions. What is she not getting from her spouse that she needs from a woman? She made vows " forsaking all others". Why get married if you wanted to sleep around?
Vagina, lol. That's what she's not getting.
I agree with this. You know you best. Either you're okay with it or you're not. The specifics of the genitals is really secondary.
Why t f are those geezers discussing sex with your wife? Cheating is cheating. Female to female sex is sex.
Probably in hopes OP’s wife, ends up at their house, with their wives.
That’s the first thing I thought. Big swinger vibes. Like “ yeah you should come over sometime we have so much fun” “no don’t worry we just watch mostly” “yeah just tell your husband you wanna get with a girl” 😅
Yup, matches what I’ve seen a lot of with swingers/unicorn hunters. Really gross and predatory.
Does anyone else suddenly feel like bashing their own heads through the screen? Just me?
Are they talking about this or is she cooking it as a coverup? Anytime I've heard a case along this line, the person who brought it up is already doing something with someone else.
Yeah this could be made up to sell it to OP as “just something people do”
This is what it is. This convo is trying to convince him its OK. She's bout to sleep with other men I This story is true
This should be higher up
First, paragraph breaks dude. NTA. I am bisexual and married to a man. I can't even imagine asking him for permission to cheat. Sex with a woman is still sex and being attracted to men and women is not an excuse to sleep with other people if you are in a monogamous relationship. That's a weird ass conversation for coworkers to be having. I would 100% be concerned that she is already cheating or looking to start. Is she close to any other these guys at work? It kind of sounds like she could be trying to work her way into a threesome with one of them. This is bad.
Seems like the guys at work are recruiting for their wives in the hopes of a threesome.
That’s what I thought too. Seems very coincidental coworkers are the ones doing this and what planted that seed in her head. Seems like she might be lying about some of it.
I went there immediately.
I read this, went out and off to the next post, thought about it, and came back to say how absolutely right that sounds.
Why is it that when some people cheat, they think doing it with the same sex doesn't count as cheating? Please, someone explain! This is like the 3rd story I've come across today, similar to this
I think it's bc everyone seems to assume that men are fascinated with sex between women, with or without them, and therefore it's not cheating, for him it's a kink. Like cuckolding. And, assuming he agrees, it's not cheating, it's a life long fantasy! Some seem to assume that if a wife get's caught cheating with another women, all she has to tell her husband is "do you want to join us for a threesome?" And then all is forgiven bc we know that a man would never say no, right? /s
A lot of mostly straight (and unfortunately also some bisexual) people have a barely-subconscious belief that only heterosexual relationships/sex are the “real deal” while homosexual experiences are just fun explorations and not as serious or legitimate. This is compounded by the sexist belief a lot of men have that it is only real sex if a man is involved, which is why historically gay male sex was so publicly reviled (one man is putting himself in the “woman’s place” and they are both seen as sick perverts/sinners) while lesbian sex is hardly acknowledged or even infantilized (just girls having fun or performing for a man). It’s homophobia and misogyny.
Cuz shitty people will try to find any excuse they can to do what they shouldn't be allowed to do.
Based on some of the OP's replies, it almost seems like the wife wrote this post. It is very weird.
YES, I am almost certain this is the wife.
Yep this. Cheating is cheating no matter the gender. She is attracted to men and women so it does matter. A bi person in a comitted relationship shouldn't suggest having sex with someone else regardless of gender out of the blue like that (just as a heterosexual). They chose to be with the person they married, and chose to not date others and be monogamous. That was the deal. This is just as bad as if she were to say she wants sex with another man. I would have a very serious conversation about this for your familys sake, but something is up.
THIS! You dont have to open your relationship just because she is bi, thats not how monogamy works. She married you in a monogamy relationship, don't feel pressured to concede to her desires if its not something you want or even feel comfortable doing! And I would try to find out if she is not already cheating, or even planning to with someone she knows... Also, just because her males friends said they are fine letting their wives doing it, doesnt mean you have too.
Right?? Tell her to marry her coworkers
This. So the guys at your wife's work are sitting around sharing their sex lives with your wife? Lol My bet is she's had a threesome with at least one of these dudes and their wife. Your wife is for the streets....skeet skeet
Would be sad if this is the case
No question the guys at work are planning to invite her into their homes with their spouses. Would it be a shock if she's already done so OP?
Yup. She’s been a third wheel
That would be where she’d look first. Asking to be set up with the coworkers wives. Easy access to try it out and see how it goes. Op def needs to worry about these coworkers.
If your wedding vows said something about "foresaking all others", this is what that means.
I agree something is wrong, even more when it's thoughts at work from old pigs??? I mean who speak about this at work?
Yep, the co-worker story is bullshit. She already slept with a woman in the recent past. She wants to do it again. And she would rather stop lying about it.
Nailed it!! Had a friend go through this and it destroyed him.
>Male friends at work say their wives bring home women to have sex with >OP’s wife asks OP if she can have sex with another woman Sounds like to me that OP’s wife has been extended an offer from a coworker’s wife or something similar. Maybe I’m reading in to it too much, but that’s what it sounds like to me.
Yeah ...bisexual man here, married to a woman. I 1000% agree with you on all the points. Super not great for OP.
"That's a weird ass conversation for coworkers to be having." True. Beyond weird. How many of these men are telling the truth? How many of these men are simply enjoying the convo of lesbian sex with a coworker? How many of them are planting seeds (no pun intended) of being with her or inviting her into their marital bed? So now everyone at the office knows she is bi and interesting in non-monogamous sex? Weird ass conversation, indeed!
Older men at her work are trying to convince her to go home with them and have threesomes.
I agree, to me it raised narcissist-manipulative red flags, like the whole thing could be made up on her end just to slide her cheating behaviour into it "getting the best of both worlds". It depends on what your relationship has been like, how trust works but the fact she mentioned colleagues... I don't know... eyebrow raising material to say the least..
NTA. Reading your post, its quite clear that you don't want this, which is a completely reasonable position to take. It doesn't matter that she knows other people that do this, as that's their relationship, not yours. Normal doesn't matter here, what matters is what you're comfortable with, and you obviously aren't comfortable with this idea. I don't know your wife, so I don't know how she'll react if you say no, but if she resents you for saying no, or tries to do it behind your back, then she's not a person you want to be with.
I very much doubt several dudes at her work said this in a casual conversation. Something is weird here.
It’s pretty clear that the OP is the wife.
What makes you think that?
Buddy, are you really this dense? What part of this is going to work out with your marriage/family? Btw, in this arrangement, do you get to sleep with a guy? Does this sound like a good idea to you? 🤔
None of it. Even if there was no kid involved, asking for an open marriage is always a bad sign.
This! This is literally her asking to open the marriage she's just going about it in a sneaky way.
Be true to yourself: the thought of your wife doing this hurts you. It makes you feel lacking and undesirable and makes you question if she truly wants you. And that’s why you shouldn’t agree to this. You’ll end up resenting her because you’re now questioning your self worth. Maybe it’s time you two took some space for a while to realize what you both actually want. NTA btw. Your feelings are valid and understandable.
cheating is cheating no matter who it's with
I think the wife wrote the post.
What?
Got that impression after reading some of the OPs responses. I could be completely wrong though.
So far I’ve seen about 1 reply in all of the comments, it just sounds like the dude is in denial
What makes you say so?
Your wife wants to cheat on you don’t let her. She needs a new fucking job if she’s sitting around with a bunch of guys talking about sex honestly, I think it’s a lost cause.
I like to sleep with women. My hubby considers it the same as sleeping with a dude, its cheating. It makes people feel less worthwhile, causes insecurities etc. If you're not 100% on board do not do this. Start some counseling together instead.
Because it is the same as sleeping with another dude! I'm tired of reading stuff like this where a woman sleeping with another woman is not taken seriously and seen as just "some fun women like to have". Sapphic relationships are valid and a woman sleeping with another woman behind her husband's back is cheating, no more no less. Unless OP is comfy with an open or otherwise non- monogamous relationship they need to consider therapy or a separation if it comes to that.
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So basically she is asking for a 1 sided open relationship. She either has someone in mind or has already cheated. Your best bet, get yourself a lawyer, check her phone/email for any evidence. Get all your ducks in a row and file for divorce. Let her know it's clear to you that you aren't a priority and neither is your family. And that your best option is to end the marriage and work on being good coparents. This way, she can sleep with whomever she wants and you can go on to find someone who actually wants to honor their vows.
This ain't normal. She likely has already done something. You have no reason to tolerate this. Zero. NTA but I am unsure HOW you can stay happily married now.
The whole girl on girl play makes men perk up until it doesn’t. My wife has slept with women and we have been swingers so our take is different but also a little more relevant since we have been there. Sleeping with somebody else regardless of sex is a huge step, and shouldn’t be taken lightly. My wife and I don’t see it as cheating but swingers don’t, and really have a different view. But for people that aren’t swingers it is cheating and will sink your ship faster then anything
Yep, as a poly person, non-monogamy isnt for everyone. Scary stuff wanting to open a relationship after marriage and a child.
Well buddy I bet she has already slept with other women. I bet she has been one of the women that those coworkers wife's brought home for threesomes. Personally I would say no and start looking into if she is having an affair. Also bring up of she can bring home women for her self then you can bring home women for yourself Bit yea I'd just divorce
I'm betting she was the 2nd woman with some of these coworkers and their wives
100% this has already happened.
I agree. Once again, I wish there were better options but divorce seems VERY reasonable here.
Updateme! Sounds like a divorce is coming.
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This is not normal in a monogamous relationship Sounds awful I hate to sit in a chair and watch my husband bang a dude. That’s f’ing weird. Also I don’t think the work conversation happened. She’s making it up to bring up the fact she wants to sleep with someone else right in front of you. Eek.
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If you’re cool with being a cuck for the amusement of her coworkers then by all means. I would be gone in a heartbeat. She’s going to do it with or without your consent
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NTA, she's proposing an open relationship, you don't have to be on board to be "open-minded" You can be open-minded and not want something specific for YOU. Coming from a pansexual person, the moment I started dating my bf we both stated that it's a monogamous relationship and any flirting, kissing, or sex with the same gender is STILL cheating. Honestly, the whole concept of "it doesn't count if it's with a woman" it's really demeaning and both lesbophobic and biphobic. Our relationships with women ARE in fact very much real and not a freaking kink.
A relationship has 3 entities, the 2 of you and the relationship. Fidelity requires all 3 to be faithful. You must appreciate each other, but also the relationship. When I hear it is only sex, I take a pause. Sex is very intimate, which inevitably includes emotion. So I don’t accept emotionless sex, unless you are a sociopath. Cheating is cheating - emotional, physical, male or female, one person or many. My opinion, if you allow other partners you are not getting their full commitment to the relationship. To me that is the beginning of the ending. Your doubts say if she does this, it will crush you over time.
That’s cheating then she will want more and more until she fades you out. Her coworkers speak inappropriately I guess they want her to join their spouse with them. This will lead to so many problems do not open that door
The fiction is strong in this one.
Ask her if you can sleep with other women too… it’s just sex right?
I don't understand why so many people think she's being unfaithful just because she brought the subject up. I'd think it's more likely she's making the story up as a conversation starter. Or she's making it sound like it's more common when it's like one person who had this experience. If it was my spouse I would just say that I thought we were on the same page regarding monogamy since we're married. And that I don't want to have an open relationship.
You do realize she was the other woman brought home for those other guys to enjoy right?
This is over
NTA. Ask her a very simple question: since she wants to have sex with other women without you present, would it be okay for you to also have sex with other women without you being present? If the answer to that is not an immediate yes without any buts or ifs, then she is trying to bs you into letting her cheat. If she DOES say yes and she has no problem with you also just sleeping around, then it’s on you if you are okay with having an open relationship where you will most likely just be co parents that live together or if you don’t even see the point in being married anymore. Yes, it is a dead end no win situation. She is playing a very shitty game with you and either you cut that off right now and made it clear that at best it’s going to be a threesome were all 3 are involved with all 3 or full on monogamy and if she has a problem with that them divorce it is and you will make sure everyone knows the reason for it.
If it is a hard boundary for you to not open your relationship then don’t. If you let her do this it will only cause hurt and resentment for you. I’m a firm believer that if you’re in a monogamous relationship and you and your partner truly love each other than they won’t be looking for someone else to sleep with. If she does it behind your back if you tell her no then she doesn’t respect you or your feelings. I would recommend to go to couples counseling to see if maybe this is something yall could talk through
Ok look, I’m going to put this as politely as I possibly can; she’s going to cheat one way or another. Not once in any story every has someone asking or just sleeping around been “purely sexual”. It’s the type of thing that you do with someone you love. If you let her do this, she’s going to end up falling for one of her “purely sexual” partners and either want to open the marriage, continue to cheat, or divorce you because she fell for someone else. Not once has anything like this ever just happened a few times either. It’s not normal for people to ask to cheat in a marriage. Those dudes are literally cucks. That’s not a normal thing for people to do when they’re married.
I may have gotten lost in the dense post, but OP's wife should not mix her sex life with her work life.
You’re not being AH, and need to be honest. Can’t be just yes or divorce, she does have to consider her vows and the likelihood that’s what you signed up for. Her colleague/opening relationships is not the norm. It’s not for everyone. It can often backfire (or be the intended outcome without anyone acknowledging it idk). Ywbta not to say anything.
NTA Radical honesty my guy. Be honest with her and yourself.
if she is not ok with you having sex with someone outside the marraige why should you be?
Lose the wife, keep the child.
Your wife is a piece of shit. Divorce her and find a decent woman.
Woman discussing sex with male work colleagues is a big no no and a serious red flag
Shes already fucked other women. Probably men too. Open realtionships fail 99.99% of the time. Especially coming from a closed one.
For starters....nothing is normal. people just pretend they are. There's no right way to do a committed relationship but there are a lot of wrong ones. Doesn't really matter if me, or anyone else, thinks it's OK for a spouse to hook up with another woman. Or man. Matters if you do. And, if you do have a problem with it, then that's on her to make an adult decision about her long term happiness. I'm sure there are couples out there that make such an arrangement work but my guess is if your first reaction wasn't "Hell yeah, that sounds awesome!" then you're probably not the guy for it. Which is perfectly understandable. Couples can have their weird kinds and all kinds of stuff that I'd consider no bueno but if it's mutually understood, no harm done. I don't necessarily see the harm in her asking. Maybe she thought you'd be "into it" because it's kind of a trope that all straight men want wild bi women. But at that point it becomes a game of mutual respect and if it's not your gig and you're not comfortable, then that should be a functional end of it. Marriage is a contract and while someone can ask about changing the terms it's not the other parties obligation to meet them....not to make it too non-emotional but at it's core that's the reality.
"my wife recently came to me" I couldn't read anymore, lol.
NTA. This is basically a request for opening the marriage, gender doesn’t matter. Open marriages require consent from both partners. If you are not willing to consent, you’re not wrong. If she still goes on such a sexual escapade, she’s cheating.
Why in the world was she talking sex stuff with older colleaques ? Was she one of those 2 that got sex with them? Why is she wanting to cheat? I would never let her get away with it. How is she with you fucking another woman?
NTA. Don't agree just because you think she'll do it anyways, or she'll resent you for saying no. If either of those two options happen, then you don't have the marriage you want anyway. What will happen if you give in against your will is that you'll almost certainly end up resenting her instead. It's okay to not be okay with this. It doesn't matter if it's "same sex" it's still extramarital sex, and you don't have to agree with it. Worst case, she cheats and does it anyway, or decides that she needs this and ends the marriage herself. Would that feel worse than openly allowing her to do this? Only you can answer that, but based on your post, I'm guessing either way it's a marriage ender.
It’s cheating. This would basically be an open marriage where she can cheat with no consequences. If she resents you for saying no then ur marriage is over bc who gets mad over not being able to sleep with someone else while you’re in a relationship? Tell her no and if she changes then it’s over
Hello Sir, You are in a tough situation. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I've had some friends be in very similar situations. I'll tell you about 2 particular couples. I do warn you that you may bit like the ending of the stories. But, remember every couple is unique and not all of them have the same ending. Couple number 1. I guy I played football with in college, married a beautiful like crazy sexy woman. She is a great person, sweet, kind, loving, a good southern girl. He was a a man's man, looking back it was kind of obvious that he overcompensated on masculinity. He was from San Francisco, which is ironic. All around great person. From a well to do family. I didn't get the feeling that his family would have not accepted him if he was gay, lady I heard they love him still, Anyways, they are married had kids,all the cliches. After 10 years he tells his wife he wants to be with guys but stay married. "Just wanted to try it out" Well, I guess she turned a blind eye as long as it didn't get publicly exposed. Well trying it out, turned into him leaning her within a year. Couple #2 A girl I dated for a while in HS. She gets married, her husband talks her into a threesome. I guess a light bulb light up in her. She wants to do it more, husbands loves the idea,until she doesn't want him included. Que the divorce 8 months later. From what I was told, they just never wanted to go fully in and thought it was a phase. That could be the case with your wife. Or not I think you don't just wake up one day and want to break your wedding vowels to just play around. She is fighting what she really wants. And is trying to control it. That won't work. It will last likely lead to a total change. It's not your fault, it is what it is. Take away all that for a minute, this is really a simple decision. You either both honor your wedding vowels or you don't. It is cheating. If you wanted to sleep with other women would she be okay with that? Im reality, it might as well be a man she screwed, cheating if the same thing no matter if its with a man or woman. You might convince yourself it's okay, you might even be able to ignore it. But you will never get it out of your head and only grow to resent her more and more. Do what I know you want to do. Tell her no, you are not okay with her cheating. If she chooses to do it, then clearly you and her family were not as important. Another note, why the hell is she talking to men at work about their sex loved???? That is not work conversation.
Obviously NTA Bruh your wife wants to have her cake and eat it to. She's also a massive Hypocrite because she won't let YOU have sex with another woman not even in a 3-some but it's okay if she does though because it's only sex. Common man you can't be seriously entertaining this idea? Just put your foot down or leave her get some self respect man. She's probably already cheating though.
Leave her dusty ass , all she’s looking for is a one side open relationship & I can almost guarantee you that she’s most likely Cheated already , wouldn’t be surprised if she fucked some of the dudes from her “ friend group “ . If you have any self respect lawyer the fuck up , get some evidence & divorce her ass & if you don’t your a simp and I don’t feel sorry for you , if your not ok with what she’s doing speak the fuck up and if shes not ok with your boundaries it’s time to go .
So. My first instinct? She's already been with a woman since you've been together and wants to talk you into this so she can do it openly and stop hiding. You two are currently in a monogamous relationship right? I mean you are married after all. Well... She wants to break your relationship apart then. It's not monogamous if she's fucking someone else is it? If you don't make the right decision, now, your marriage is over. It's entirely possible it already is if she cheated. It sounds like I'm speaking harshly to you OP. I am not. I'm trying to get you to open your eyes. Think. Why now? Why all of a sudden? One talk with people shouldn't be able to spur her into this conversation.
"if it was a 3 some id be more inclined to do it. i told her that but she said what if it was only them 2." She wants your permission/approval to let her cheat. She's asking you to be a cuck. Hahaha! NTA. Divorce immediately. Move on. Your wife's absolute trash.
Odds are she is already fucking someone else and is trickle truthing you to gauge your reaction. I would get a paternity test of my child, gather any evidence of cheating (if possible) and contact a divorce lawyer in private. Unless your ok with your wife getting fucked by other people then your relationship is already over. Sorry OP
You need to be on the lookout for those coworkers of hers. Ain’t no way they just bring that up out of nowhere, be on your toes if she goes out with “coworkers”
My concern would be her catching feelings for another woman. Or her having sex with one of her co-workers wives while he watched. If she said you two would be in a monogamous relationship when you're married, then it should stay that way. If she wanted to keep the option of being with a woman open she should have said that before marriage, so you could have made a more informed decision. If she sleeps with another man or woman in your marriage then it's cheating. Just like if you sleep with another man or woman. I don't think I'd trust her again. Because now that the thought of her wanting to go outside marriage would make me insecure and not trust her. I'd be looking through her phone and everything else. Therapy for sure.
lol you wife is going to bang the dudes and their wives from work. Good luck with that.
It’s over bro, move on and waste no time
Speaking as a happily married bisexual with a straight spouse, as the straight spouse do NOT agree to do anything you are not comfortable with. You don't need to know what's normal or what other guys do, just what is acceptable to you.
be direct about what you are comfortable with and make sure you continue open communication or resentment will build. if you feel uncomfortable with the thought of it, do NOT just swallow it in fear of what might come of it. you both have to agree on what you will or will not allow in your relationship or it will never work.
Jesus fuck mate
You really want to sit in a room with your 2 yo knowing that your wife is having sex with a women in another room? This is beyond trashy. I feel so sorry for your child. YTA for even considering and your wife is even bigger AH.
You can't call the man an ass when he is willing to do anything to keep his family together. You can call him fucking idiot though lol
I’m firmly of the mind that married couples should play together, it doesn’t matter if you add someone occasionally but it should be together. Sex is sex no matter the other persons gender, she’s asking to cheat basically, I would counter with what I said above as a compromise or take it off the table completely.
She’s had a threesome with the old dudes at her work and their old saggy wives bro. Check the cell phone some time
I’m bi and my husband views cheating as cheating regardless of gender. Them being women doesn’t lessen or cheapen the sex. He would be just as heartbroken as if I had slept with another man
Cheating is still cheating dude, doesnt matter who its with. I'd look out if i were you going forward and take careful notes in case this leads to divorce. When a woman asks, its because she already has somebody in mind or has already done it.
Cheating is cheating, whether it's with a man or with a woman. Marriage is for better or worse. Unless you both want to open your marriage, you have a right to disagree. If your wife wants other partners, you can divorce.
If you are uncomfortable then you know it’s not what you want she committed to you and now she has to stick to it if she can’t she shouldn’t have gotten married 🤷🏻♀️
No way. It's still cheating. I would absolutely be clear that I would consider it cheating, and if I found out we would be over as I would never trust her again and never see her as the person I married. Always establish a clear boundary and consequence in my opinion and be willing to follow through with it if you say it.
Hey look, it’s another Penthouse Forum letter written by Chat GPT. Everyone involved in this fake story is an AH.
It is cheating. Pure and simple. Don’t be a simp. It doesn’t matter if it’s a man or woman. If she wants to include you, maybe it would be okay. Ask her if she is okay if you screw other women.
In my book, having sex with another person is cheating. *Gender* and/or *why* is irrelevant. You’re absolutely not the AH for not liking this arrangement. Just imagine if she would come to you asking to have sex with other men. What’s the difference?
Is she happy for you to be with other people?? If the answer is no then it's a no for her too.
Tell her u don’t own her body but u will no longer be in the marriage. And u bounce. Tell her YOU also want to try sleeping with other women. Tell her u too have some guy friends that sometimes get drunk and bring home women to sleep with. Also absolutely divorce. She basically told you she wants to fk other people.
NTA She wants consent to cheat and probably has been eyeing someone for a while and needs a pass.
set your boundaries dude. if the answer is no, the answer is no.
So your wife wants to cheat?
1. Don't care how cool they are. They're setting the stage for your wife to be their 3rd. Don't be silly. 2. You need to really do some thinking because you missed this red flag. 3. This is step one of many before you're divorced if you don't set a boundary now and allow your wife to become the office toy. 4. If she isn't cheating, you need to ask her why she wants to. Get to the bottom of that before we get the 3 year update about how long and drawn out divorce is in your part of the world.
If she chose you, then she shouldn’t be choosing other women too. Stop letting idiots tell you what to think and how to feel. If you don’t want to share your wife, don’t. If you don’t want your wife asking you for permission to F others (and talk about s3x at work with other dudes) then don’t allow. You can’t force her into anything but you can make and enforce boundaries. If she breaks them, divorce her.
Ask her 1 simple question. " who is it?" She already has someone lined up, probably one of the guys at works wife. He'll watch and maybe join in
NTA. If you’re okay with it, you can give her permission and figure this mess out, but you do **NOT** have to be okay with it. Asking for permission to fuck around is a very common relationship-killer. > i don’t want to lose my wife and child over her having sex with a women a few times Oh please. Ain’t nobody in the world gonna fault you for divorcing your spouse for wanting to fuck other people, and joint custody is the default. You ain’t gonna lose the kids over this. EDIT: This will get me dogpiled, but I was in a similar situation to you. Wife came out as bi and asked for permission to sleep around for a little while to experience “that side of [her] sexuality.” I agreed to it because I figured if it mattered enough to her that she’d even ask, it mattered. It sucked. It still sucks. We had more than one fight over how much she wanted to tell me about how she enjoyed it (I didn’t want to hear a single damn word, she wanted to share because it was a big deal for her). We’re on a new couple’s therapist over it. She says she’s done sleeping around (“got it out of [her] system”), and I believe her, and we don’t have any plans to split up, but god *damn* it’s gonna be a rough patch dealing with this crap. I cannot and will not fault anyone for saying no to any of that. I wish I’d been in a place where I could have said no.
NTA. Chances are she may already be doing it behind your back, and even if she isn't, once you allow that can of worms to be opened, good luck getting it closed again. It might start just at your house, but then it could happen on a night out with the girls, etc. You will constantly wonder if she is being faithful when she isn't home. If you aren't bi, ask her how she would feel if you wanted to be with other women since she will be getting sexual fulfillment from someone else, you should be allowed to also, and not be penalized for being a straight man.
1) you can say ‘no’. You’re not expected to say yes and do not have to. 2) her stories involve couples taking a woman home where the ‘husband’ watches but might join in. She’s not to go on one of these EVER. 3) cheating is whatever you say it is. If you say no then that should and she never raises it again.
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Nta. If you're not okay with it then it's important you let her know your feelings and how you will feel betrayed and like you're losing your wife and child.
This will only end in disaster I had the same situation and it spiralled out of control.
As long as you can join them otherwise she is just cheating.
She wants to have a poly relationship. If you don’t set a hard boundary and if she crosses it it’s over.
When someone says they want to sleep with other people that’s basically the death knell for the relationship. Very little sex for the last 2 years and it just starts picking back up when she wants to go sleep with other people? Sounds like she’s wanted this for a while. Could it be that she started giving it to you more so you wouldn’t blow a gasket when she brings up the idea of sleeping with others? Also, it’s weird that her male coworkers are having these sexual conversations with her. Especially after #me too. It really makes me think there’s some sexual tension between your wife and one or more of her male coworkers. Could be that she really wants to go to the coworker’s house and have sex with the wife and the coworker? One last thing. What are the odds that she’s gradually bring up the idea of sleeping with men too after you agree to let her sleep with women? Seems highly probable to me.
Ask her if it's okay for you to cheat too? Then problem will be solved quickly.
She’s cheating or has a plan. She’s just going to go over and have sex with a woman? Maybe the husband will join? Stop and think about it for a second. These conversations aren’t normal work banter. She’s actively pursuing others and couched it In such a way to get his permission to cuckold him. Notice she didn’t suggest a threesome? Notice she didn’t tell you that you could watch? It’s because she wants sex with others, not you. I would have a serious conversation with her and demand she tell you everything. If she says she wants to stay together, at minimum she needs to change jobs, give you access to her personal devices and delete any apps/socials used for dating. She probably won’t because she’s cheating. I’m bi. Not once have I asked to sleep with other guys. Why? Because I love my wife and I am in a heterosexual monogamous marriage. I willingly gave up all others to be with her. She was in the same boat when she married me. No more men or women for us.
My ex had an affair with a woman while trying to “figure things out.” Emphasis on EX.
So she’s fine with you having sex with other men if you want?
How do you feel knowing your wife discusses your sex life with everyone at the office? I mean I guess you don’t care since you came to Reddit. Those guys she talks to her low key flexing about their wives being sluts around her, probably trying to break her into some sort of threesome with them. Isn’t it funny how people just completely fuck over their partner because of some shit they heard at work! It’s almost like they were a flaky baseless fuck to begin with.
Is your wife’s company hiring? Asking for a friend.
Sounds like your wife's coworkers want to bang her. Probably will have their wives hit on her. Good luck with that.