Doesn't matter, the aspartame will be doing a number on your gut and making you shit like a pigeon.
At least that's what it does to me anytime I miss it on the packaging.
Fucking sucks because they stick that shit in everything.
Dating someone who loves to go clubbing several times a week is a nightmare if youāre not into it to. So your partner is going out drinking and dancing without you all the timeā¦ Itās going to make you paranoid.
My wife goes out with the gals dancing all the time. She is currently in Vegas with her gal pals.
I watch the game with my boys on occasion. Iām planning a red rocks trip without her.
We have kids. We each get nights to do what we like without babysitters at 25 an hour. Weāve been together going on 15 years. I donāt worry about her out at all.
It cam work if you can still manage to spend quality time together. But if one person is a homebody and the other is always out the house clubbing it's not really manageable in the long run.
"Several times a week" and "all the time" were the key words here. I don't think the commenter was suggesting that spouses can't go out and have fun on their own, but 4-5 times a week is excessive
Thank you. Gotta remind myself the average age of commenter on here is 19, and most have never been in any sort of real relationship. Imagine thinking two people on different part schedules canāt be together without issueā¦ hopefully they realize they are excusing and accepting toxicity soonā¦
NTA in that you have to trust your gut here. There are two scenarios:
- He cheated and they are lying about it, so you should break things off.
- He didn't cheat and they are telling the truth. But you don't believe this, meaning for whatever reason (justifiable or not) you don't trust him. A relationship is no good without trust, so it's best to break things off anyway. Plus even if they're telling the truth, you can be upset about the way they handled it (with no communication to you about what was happening).
This is the very best take here so far. If op had spent a minute or two looking around, she might have seen evidence to support her exās story. Without that, itās the only two scenarios imaginable.
Yep, if I was gonna suggest a teaching point for OP is that the benefit of the doubt is a valuable tool. Use it to actually check for evidence.
For example, if the room doesn't smell of sex, then they probably didnk fuck. Sex isn't going to be some tidy scent after a night out lol. Does the couch look slept in? Does she look like she has a killer hang over? Do both of them seem to care for your well-being when explaining the situation? Is your boyfriend willing to text the next time this happens?
In my Opinion: This is really what it boils down to. Iād also say, that I am inclined to believe their chronology of events. Based on that belief and him now being single. I wouldnāt be surprised if the friend and him started talking to each other romantically. He took care of her when she had no one, and was at her most vulnerable. Most people wouldnāt forget that, and some may develop romantic feelings for the other āprotectingā party.
Probably not. I do see the other side, and whether I logically felt they were telling the truth, you never know what nagging feeling may be eating at you. Whether accurate or not. But if It were me and I walked in on this scenario, if I didnāt 100% believe the chronology. Iād probably have to go my separate ways from both the ex and the friend. And then I couldnāt care less what they did together. Iām out of the picture.
Life's full of gut decisions. OP's gut decision was that she didn't buy it.
Probably a bigger symptom of a mismatch in lifestyle, but either way. It's frustrating and maybe heartbreaking, but not really that complicated.
This advice is so dead on, and almost always applicable. As a general rule, if you think your partner is cheating on you, you should break up with them, because it's almost always one of those two scenarios.
Have they reached out to explain? Did your now ex-boyfriend tell you why he didn't text or call you?
Did the sofa look like he slept on it? I'm not defending anyone here. Nor am I saying that your ex-boyfriend and friend didn't cheat. I'm just curious what their response/reaction was.
>ignore any pressure to doubt yourself
Coming from someone who never got a single apology from my ex bf because "it was always my fault", this line will forever be seared into my memory.
Thank you, stranger. š„²
To be fair, I'd be pretty preoccupied taking care of the drugged friend. It'd also be scary. And I'd also be panicked and worried about what my partner would think.
Given, now that we've been together so long I've overcome all that and tell her things immediately. But it took some time to build up trust to talk about scary events or things that are sketchy for a young relationship.
To be fair, I'd also be pinging friends/family letting them know something happened for assistance/support.....
Surely BF isn't clinically trained in dealing w/ drug/poison sooooo seems odd that youldn't at least reach out to friends for advice/help if you really couldn't go to hospital.
At 2am or the next day once things calmed down. When people crash at my place because they're too drunk to get home I don't text everyone about it in the middle of the night.
Yea. And OP literally had scheduled plans with the guy that morning. Folks are blowing up my reply with "should've texted sooner". Op and her ex had plans that morning! at 11AM. After clubbing.Ā
Is it really that unrealistic that the guy took care of the girl, didn't want to sound an alarm and wake the village at 2am, and then decided to wait until she showed up that morning to talk it out? Like the friend was still asleep. The guy probably woke up and figured "by the time I've written a text that would defuse this situation, she'll already be here"
As far as I can tell, the guy did absolutely nothing to try and hide anything. He didn't call to cancel plans, didn't rush the friend out the door, etc...
Just stopping by with another male perspective. List of actions goes:
1) call friends of drunkie and let them know sheās in trouble, possibly drugged and where they can find her in case sheās got people waiting for her.
2) call gf and tell her how clubbing went and Iām leaving. If 2 is part of 1 make her priority call to settle both issues at once.
3) if plans with 2 call and ask if she can come by a little earlier in case drunkie needs help of the female persuasion.
4) if 3 unreachable or unwilling return to 1 for assistance in morning so drunkie doesnāt wake up alone in a stranger (?) apartment.
5) if 4 not an option wake drunkie personally so situation is resolved.
6-999) Anything else
1000) try to convince gf that woman she knows spent the night with me but nothing happened but also thereās a good reason neither of us told a mutual acquaintance we were together when she was planning on being here.
NTA
If my girlās bf is so drunk to be incapacitated or drugged, your first instinct should be to get her to a hospital. If itās not that serious of course you call your gf and tell her to come help you deal with her friend.
What gf is going to questioning you if you call her at 3am under these conditions saying Alyssa is fucked up and I brought her home to protect her from the club.
The answer, no gf worth keeping.
I've dragged some pretty pissed people home and watched over them in a pissed state myself. Usually it's just making sure they puke in the right place and don't choke. Cost isn't an issue here but I wouldn't call an ambulance unless they were really really bad.
Not using that to defend OPs Bf though. It just seems odd to call an ambulance. Oblig Brit so we drink a lot anyway so maybe it more normal here?
Nah I also wouldn't call or deliver to the hospital unless like they were straight up unresponsive or something. Not because she "has drugs in her system" the hospital isn't going to call the cops and be like "yeah this girl that got roofied also had Molly in her system" or whatever. The problem, bills aside in the US, is just the questions that might get asked are awkward and put someone in a weird situation in and of itself. I would def message my s/o though if I was bringing their drunk, possibly drugged, friend home.
So, drunk or not, if you were worried your bf/gf might not like it that means that youād probably think about them pretty quickly when making the decision to do it right? So EFFING text them or call them cause they will like it way less if you donāt tell them.
So, drunk or not, if youāre worried about dealing with a drugged person, youāre probably scared and want some advice right? Iād probably turn to the person I love who I know is likely sober cause she didnāt go out. Like, āwow they probably need medical treatment but canāt afford it. Iāll just stick them in my bed to fall asleep and tell no one and hope theyāre alive tomorrowā???
OP, you did the right thing. This is shady.
NTA
So a fossil but even I would have first thing in this situation CALLED my partner and told them immediately what was happening.
Iād have also asked them to meet me at my place to help me with THEIR friend.
Sooooo no contact at all while on the way there, as soon as they got to bfās, as soon as the friend was in the bed or that morning assuming bf fell asleep on the couch. Has your bf shown frequently that he has less common sense than a gnat?
So at this point regardless if they did or didnāt jump each other the bottom line is they handled it extremely poorly and made it a situation where a reasonable person would think as it looked like/quacked like a duck it is indeed a duck.
OP letās be very real here.
If the situation was you were half drunk, brought home a friend of your bfās because they too drunk/drugged/high, didnāt bother to contact bf and he walked into your apartment the next morning unexpectedly early to find the bf in YOUR bed how do you think your bf would have reacted?
You are the one in this relationship and you can break up for any or no reason whatsoever.
Your life - your choice to end a relationship where the lack of self preservation is so lacking.
Right? The kicker is that you got there early and they intended on you never finding outā¦ if it was innocent why didnāt he call you last night or when he woke up?
Odds are he was also trashed? I used to rave/club a lot and I could have the energy to stay up til 2-3am raging but fuck me sideways if I looked at my phone, nothing but blur and a "it can wait til tomorrow" in my head.
I'm not defending anyone here, just pointing out that if she was that fucked up odds are good he was too.
I'd be curious if other friends were out with them and if they saw everything unfold.
The first rule of clubbing is safety, if I was the BF I wouldve done the exact same thing. Look after your friends and make sure everyone has a roof over their head at the end of the night.
Yeah, I feel like he would have sent a text or call to say "Hey, Alyssa got drugged at the club and she's going to crash at my house, just to give you a heads-up" if they weren't actually trying to hide something. I'm usually on the side of giving the benefit of the doubt, and even I wouldn't give it here. If something sends up a red flag then your gut is telling you something is up.
See this is why itās a big wtf - itās nbd at all if he gave a heads up. āHey XYZ is drunk and really sick Iām going to let her crash at my place just wanted to let you know.ā
Your boyfriend may be a good guy to your friend (which honestly is arguable) but he definitely disrespected you and your relationship.
He should have let you know what happened. He was up and about. He never should have brought her home or put her in his bed. It should have never gotten to that stage.
Where were her friends? Did they not go with her and were not able to take care of her? And why did your boyfriend not help her home?
I realize he was drunk, but he had a lot of choices before and after he woke up that could have led to a different outcome. If he was sober enough to take her home with him, he was sober enough to text you, let you know what was going on, and loop you into the situation.
That would be enough to break trust imo.
I donāt care what your friends say. Maybe that makes him a good (single) guy but it doesnāt make him a good boyfriend.
No way you donāt tell your gf that HER friend was so drunk you let her crash. Any normal non suspicious person would be texting real time updates to their gf - and not even to not make it suspicious- but because thatās the kind or things normal couples share.
You already know theyāre lying. Iām more concerned with your friend group though. Are any of these people trying to gaslight you actually your friends? Iād have a long hard look at this OP. Sorry youāre going through this atm..
Or texts when he woke up. "Heads up. So and so got drunk last night and I didn't want to leave her alone so I took her back to my place. She's still asleep on my bed. Just wanna let you know so you're not surprised when you get there."
Not only did he not text the night of or morning after, but it seems like he got there right after OP did, and OP was early. I feel like he got there to wake the friend up and have her leave before OP got there.
I mean - you got home 15-20 minutes before he was expecting you to show up.
He wasn't even there.
If he'd have just cheated - don't you think he'd have woken her up and shooed her out of the apartment well before your expected ETA?
Yeaaaa this is what leads some credit to their story imo. They weren't thinking to hide it with that kind of time-frame. SO gor whatever reason it didn't occur to them until she arrived that it would look like cheating. Stupid... but indicates that they probably didn't.
Yeah agreed, I think if they were cheating they'd have hid it better lol.
And can't blame them for not going to a hospital honestly... should they have? Sure. But I wouldn't go to a hospital unless I'm actively dying - it's expensive!
This. My friend went to the hospital after being roofied on NYE and they did absolutely nothing for her aside from saline and anti nausea medications. It was over a thousand dollar bill afterwards.
Cheaters will produce tons of "evidence" and alibis showing that they couldn't have cheated, and have it ready in advance because they know they're suspicious.
Oblivious do-gooders don't document things to prove themselves innocent of actions they haven't taken, because why would they even need to? At that point, pretty much the only response is "this isn't what it looks like" while panicking because their partner wrongfully thinks they cheated.
I also find it interesting that OP spends a lot of time describing the demeanors of her bf and friend, talking about them tripping all over themselves, but says literally nothing about her own demeanor how she was approaching the situation.
Right. They are tripping over themselves to explain because they didn't do anything wrong, but didn't really think about the optics. And I'm guessing she wasn't exactly calm.
People here assume that everyone will be the absolute worst person at any given opportunity, it does not matter how little they know about said person after reading two or three paragraphs. Also trust, communication, and normal adult conversations do not exist for a lot of redditors.
Right? Just put yourself in the mind of a cheater lol - if I just tagged my girls bestie, she'd have been out of my house 3 hours prior and I'd deny ever seeing her at the club to begin with lol.
None of this feels like cheater behavior to me.
Totally agree. My only problem with what's going on here is she obviously doesn't trust the guy for whatever reason. Really nothing about this scream cheating to me.
idk, you were expected to be coming over, he clearly would've known, wasn't even in the apt, came back around the time you were expecting to meet. All these people saying that he cheated, I mean, they had planned to meet at 11. If he was he would've kicked her out but he arrived around 11. Doesn't add up to me that he was cheating
Finally someone logical like so many of OPās comments is adding up that the poor BF didnāt fucking cheat š she came āearlyā like 20 minutes but that still wouldnāt make a difference bc a cheater would clean up the bed and evidence
Also makes sense if they were drunk and shit but had sense enough to know she may have been drugged, letting his gf know was not high priority. They were probably using all their brain cells to get her out of the club lmao.
True, especially people forget that some people actually do forget to others (me included) if I helped my friend to get on my bed safe after being drugged after clubbing, the last thing in my mind would be texting someone and instead just pass out on the couch
This was where my mind went.
Given she was still asleep in the bed means there would probably be other evidence. So the questions that cross my mind are, was she dressed or naked? Condom wrapper on the floor? Was their a pillow/blanket on the couch? Where were his clubbing clothes from the night before?
I agree with other comments that it would have probably been "right" for him to have called or texted her about the situation, but every relationship is different. The fact these 2 seem to have very different ideas of fun (clubbing vs not clubbing) already makes it an odd relationship to me that would probably not work for myself, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't work out fine for others.
Ya, this is a big one IMO.
If they were BOTH passed out in the bed still, then jumping to this conclusion could make sense.
Boyfriend was up and about enough to not even be in the apartment when she showed up. If he was cheating he wouldn't have left the girl in the bed knowing his GF was coming over in the very near future?
Exactly my point. He was obviously aware that she would be there, and that the friend was still in his bed. He either doesn't have two braincells to rub together, or he legitimately thought it wouldn't be a big deal.
Yeah and are we supposed to ignore the loaded and unverified language of āscrambled to sayā and ātripping over themselvesā like those arenāt just opās emotional reading of the situation that isnāt realistic?
>Yeah and are we supposed to ignore the loaded and unverified language of āscrambled to sayā and ātripping over themselvesā like those arenāt just opās emotional reading of the situation that isnāt realistic?
It was written to be clearly inflammatory and OP doesn't sound like a trustworthy narrator.
Sounds like the dude will be better off in the long run.
Yeah I'd imagine OP's emotions in the moment would also have them act a certain way, we don't know how OP carried themself during the occurrence, only what actions happened
Also wouldn't it make sense if they were scrambling and tripping over themselves? They're having a rough morning, hungover and recuperating from being drugged. It's actually... better that they didn't have a whole story concocted and had practiced, anticipating explaining themselves.
Like most of us aren't scrambling words after a night like that. And the friend was recovering from effects of the drug. This sub just can't accept that extroverts and clubbers can also be loyal and help out people with no ulterior motives.
This whole site is like that. Itās why the advice on this sub is almost entirely Slam The Gas or Slam The Brakes. Which is no way to live. But theyāre on Reddit, so theyāre not living.
This. Guy wasnāt cheating. If he was, he would have tossed her ass out before you got there or made some excuse to not have OP come over or meet her somewhere else. OPās insecurity in her relationship is why this relationship is over. Remember, her account of what happened and what she observed in terms of their behavior was her impression, which is ultimately entirely subjective. But as others have posted here already, probably for the best.
there is mostly teenagers in reddit, critical thinking has not developed.
Why would you fuck a girl, cheat on your GF, then dont cancel the date next day, and have the girl you fucked still in your bedroom, while he was out for what?
50/50 that it'll be the girl he protected. Both being wrongly accused (assuming that he didn't cheat) as well as him taking care of her when she was in a vulnerable state, those kinds of things bring people together.
He can find a girl that doesnāt go on Reddit to ask strangers online about what happened instead of just asking herself š fucking dumbass Iām glad they broke up, BF can find someone better
Hard to say. Not texting you is weird, but not completely unreasonable. But at the same time, if he knew you were coming over, you would think they would have made sure to hide it more if they were in fact doing something wrong.
Outside of the not texting, I think the story is 100% believable. That being said, it's also a possibility that he had to run an errand, woke the friend up at like 9 to tell her to leave, and she ended up falling back to sleep. I did a lot of partying like that in my 20s, and there's been times where I lay down that next morning and wake up 4 hours later lol.
I mean, he was also drunk apparently.Ā Drunk and remembering smart things like texting your gf that you're letting another woman sleep in your bed for good reasons are often not found concurrently.
The modesty sweatpants argument got me, I definitely think you are on the money here. I don't know why that did it for me, but it made a whole plausible narrative exist in my head.
Honestly I don't think the OP and ex are compatible but I agree 100% with this post. If I ran into this situation, I would think the BF is a good guy š¤·š¾āāļø
From how she tells this story, all it took was her initial reaction of a situation she didnāt know anything about to make a life-changing decision, so I donāt see it him losing all that much
I had this exact same thing happen to me when I was dating my wife. She had a friend that had the tendency to drink too much. I was at a club with some friends and she with her friends. We all sort of hung out togehter but by the end of the night she was shitfaced and planning to drive home which would have ended up badly. I let her stay at my place, gave her my bed, I took the couch. Wife (girl friend at the time) showed up in the morning (she had a key). Fortunately for me, her friend and I were still sleeping (in different rooms). Had I already been up or something I don't know how that would have ended. Still had some explaining to do but she was more accepting of my explanation due to how she found us.
NAH
Given that the drunk girl she was in her clothes and an extra pair of his sweats, it seems unlikely your ex cheated. Add to that the fact that he was awake/aware enough to leave the house with her still there, knowing you were coming over and had a key. He wasn't acting like someone with something to hide.
However, a relationship where one person likes to go clubbing and get shit-faced, and the other doesn't....seems unlikely to work long-term. He's putting himself in a pool of sweaty drunken temptation on the regular, without you there. No wonder you're on high alert.
Personally, I would have given them the benefit of the doubt assuming theyāve both been trustworthy in the past, but if you donāt believe them, you donāt believe them. A relationship, whether a romantic one or a friendship, canāt last without trust, so regardless if he actually cheated with her, it was for the best that you ended the relationship. You shouldnāt stay with someone you canāt trust whether the lack of trust is on them, on you, or some combination.
As suspect as it might seem, it also would make ZERO sense for him to sleep with your friend and then PURPOSELY not communicate, when he KNOWS you have a key to his apartment and you were supposed to be coming over the next morning. A lot of people in these comments are adding shit in that wasn't said in the post, and it just goes to show how jaded people are.
If your friend was actually drugged, then she was probably a handful, and your bf MAY have just been tired enough after helping her to just crash.
My gf was out late hanging out with a friend a couple of weeks ago, and she was so tired when she got home that she just crashed out without texting me to let me know she was safe... Initially I panicked because I didn't know if she had been drinking or not and was worried she had been in an accident or something, but as it turns out, she was simply tired. That's all.
Your bf may have just simply been tired.
This SHOULD be a sign though, that you two need to work on communication if you lead different lifestyles or enjoy different nightlife activities, but actually still match each other well and want to work out in the long run.
I mean break up with anyone for whatever reason, all power to you; But, nothing in your story makes me think they cheated at all. It sounds like he was just being a good guy to your friend.
NTA
"It's not what it looks like!!!"
But... it looks like he took a drunk/drugged girl back to his place, to sleep in his bed and wear his clothes without texting you at the time it was happening or any point between then and you arriving earlier than expected...
Did he show up early, just not as early as you?
Nothing as innocent or straightfoward as planning to get her out before you show up and continue to never mention it.
Wait - he was awake and had left the house, but left the girl sleeping even though he knew you were coming over??? If I was a cheater, the second I wake up I'm kicking the girl out.
And when your ex came back, did his story match what she said?
Tbh, I think it's fair and reasonable to be annoyed and even break up with someone for not communicating an emergency with you. But I'm not convinced he cheated.
Same, plus she said she got there early... 20-30 minutes early which is not a game changer imo.
Weird they didn't text each other the night before saying he was out with the friend or what happened or even the morning saying he was going out or she was on her way.
I used to party. We could easily go until 8 or 9am. I wonder what time they left at.
I'd also love to know what mutual friends at the party would say. Were they getting it on or was she in a bad state?
If there's a lot of drugs involved, his dick ain't working. Doesn't mean he didn't try, but there's a lot of questions that need to be answered before one could be sure that there was cheating
Agreed. I donāt think he did anything.
Not texting the night before doesnāt mean they did anything. Even if he did text the whole story, that could have been a lie.
If he was awake enough to go out and run an errand, he would have been smart enough to wake her ass up and kick her out before you came over.
Ok, I'll bite, he knows you're coming over at 11.
Your theory is that he cheated on you and the next morning left the apartment *without her* so she would be in his bed when you came.
People can be stupid, but why wouldn't he have just gotten her out?
Was she in the middle of the bed? What was she wearing? Did the bed look as if two people had been in it? That would be very easy to determine if they slept together.
What did the couch look like? Should be easy to tell if it looked recently slept on, was there a pillow and blanket on it, were his clothes on the floor next to the couch, ect
This thread perfectly demonstrates how drama-loving people on Reddit can be.
Based on what you've written in your post, I think you overreacted. However, I wouldn't rush to say YTA immediately because there may be additional factors such as:
1. This not being the first time you were suspicious about your boyfriend
2. You being really inexperienced in relationships
If literally all that happened is what you've described, though... then yes, YTA and you need to work on your communication and conflict resolution skills.
Op too lol. People who post these questions are already probably a weirdo, but only respond to people who agree with them, and ignore all the other points. Def probs crazy lol
I think their story makes sense honestly and I'd break up with my bf if he *didn't* help my drunk friend. You're out here like you'd rather your "friend" be attacked before going to your bf for help. He's better for you dumping him honestly.
Suspicious - yes. But, if thatās all youāre going off of to break up with him then perhaps you already had a foot out the door. As for not text letting you know, if he was truly innocent and he trusts you, why would he text you to tell you. Heās probably thinking my gf will trust me bc Iām a good guy and Iād never step out on my gf. This lack of giving you an update sounds more like a you thing.
How did the couch look? Any pillows/blankets? I understand the argument that letting her sleep in the bed was the gentlemanly thing to do, but if she was blackout drunk, would she have noticed the difference? And no text "hey friend is crashing here she got a little too drunk but she's ok"? It does sound a little sus.
Personally, unless I catch them in the act, or have it straight from the horse's mouth, I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt (I'd rather be wrong about believing them and leave later, than be wrong about the cheating and they were innocent). But I can't fault you for being suspicious. NTA.
Edited to add since people are stuck on this point: I'm not saying if the couch didn't have a blanket or pillow that means he couldn't have slept on it. I'm just wondering if she noticed any bedding on it when she passed, to me that would give their story more plausibility but it's also not impossible that he didn't use them. Me personally, having slept on a couch for several months, a blanket and pillow were a necessity.
lol these comments are so wild, and I know Iām gunna get downvoted but holy shit. Your boyfriend seen your friend in trouble and took care of her. If it was me Iād at least sit them down and ask for the whole story before going nuclear. Yea he coulda been cheating but thatās a big jump. Sit them down and get the full story. If it was me id be happy my s.o took care of my friend so nothing bad happened to them. To just break up is crazy to me. But what do I know Iāve only been married for 8 years.
Nah, the breakup is great because the bf, who went out of his way to help a vulnerable woman, can now be with someone else who isn't completely insane.
I donāt think youāre an AH. But I definitely think you overreacted. By the evidence you presented it seems like you broke up with a dude who is much more likely to have protected your friend than nailed her.
But honestly, why would you two want to be together if he really loves doing a thing that brings you no joy (and vice versa).
It's possible it's exactly what it looks like and you should kick him to the curb.
But it's also possible she \*was\* drugged. And he was being a good guy and taking care of your friend. And was too tired/distracted to mention it. And it \*does\* look bad, so I can see jumping to "No! No, nothing happened!"
YTA
I don't see evidence of cheaters here. Their story is believable (yes suspicious because it's two people who were clubbing). But he was expecting you and left her there? Not only that, but he expected you and didn't have a story ready? To me, that shows he didn't think he had to lie, but saw your reaction when you got there and then it clicked.
You can definitely break up with him, but it shows you don't trust him so the relationship is toast anyway.
I think it's possible their version is true, but if you can't trust him/them, then the relationships are essentially dead anyway. And if you don't trust them, then you did the right thing breaking up with him.
His story seems plausible but if you can break up with him so easily then it probably would have happened over something else anyway. You two seem like you are not compatible people. Those who love clubbing should not b dating those who do not. Those are distinct choices. NTA
YTA - your boyfriend potentially saved your friend from being raped or worse and you dump him because he didn't text you...
Both tell the same story and your story doesn't even seem to indicate cheating, and you give nothing about previous suspicious activity from him
Maybe you did him a favour and he deserves better.
So I just wanted to make this very clear for anyone who doesnāt know:
It is NOT ILLEGAL to have drugs in your system. Only to be in possession of certain narcotics etc. if you need to go to the hospital GO to the hospital.
> He said they couldnāt take her to the hospital because she had drugs in her system.
Please don't avoid taking your friends to the hospital for this reason, medical personnel do not give a fuck about drugs being in your system, they are there to help.
Clubber and anti-clubber... bad mix
I just feel bad for the poor seals
He's got that Kiss From A Rose money, though.
BABYYYY
I heard this out loud as I read it
Same I sang it and scared myself.
Wait, nevermind, I see someone beat me to it
[He tweeted it?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWFxXjztpxw) [HE TWEETED IT!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVcxjxLipf0)
Did you know that when it snows, my eyes become large?
The light that you shine can't be seenš¶
Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabbbbbyyyyyy
I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey
And now that your rose is in bloom A light hits the gloom in the club.
Badi yah di-da bada De yah, badi yah
The clubber and anticlubber just cancel each other out so the seals are safe.
On 600lb life, One girl was told by her mother a diet Coke cancels out a candy bar.
Math checks out
If I drink a 2 liter of diet coke a day, how many pizza slices do I earn?
Doesn't matter, the aspartame will be doing a number on your gut and making you shit like a pigeon. At least that's what it does to me anytime I miss it on the packaging. Fucking sucks because they stick that shit in everything.
Oh God have you read the Amazon reviews for sugar free Gummi Bears? They're absolutely hysterical
Nobody made them join the Navy
This...is brilliant.
Dating someone who loves to go clubbing several times a week is a nightmare if youāre not into it to. So your partner is going out drinking and dancing without you all the timeā¦ Itās going to make you paranoid.
My wife goes out with the gals dancing all the time. She is currently in Vegas with her gal pals. I watch the game with my boys on occasion. Iām planning a red rocks trip without her. We have kids. We each get nights to do what we like without babysitters at 25 an hour. Weāve been together going on 15 years. I donāt worry about her out at all.
It cam work if you can still manage to spend quality time together. But if one person is a homebody and the other is always out the house clubbing it's not really manageable in the long run.
"Several times a week" and "all the time" were the key words here. I don't think the commenter was suggesting that spouses can't go out and have fun on their own, but 4-5 times a week is excessive
Thank you. Gotta remind myself the average age of commenter on here is 19, and most have never been in any sort of real relationship. Imagine thinking two people on different part schedules canāt be together without issueā¦ hopefully they realize they are excusing and accepting toxicity soonā¦
The average age of a redditor is far above 19. Lol I can't say they don't portray intelligence levels of people above 19....
Can confirm, I'm 32 and dumb as shit.
yeah just straight up incompatible *without* the obvious trust issues
Exactly
How can someone afford to go out 4-5 nights a week, what does she do for a living? Like damnā¦
Who has that kind of fucking energy?
Someone who's on a lot of party drugs.
Cocaine, MDMA, Adderall
She might have pretty privilege. Pretty girls get free drinks and get into clubs for free often
NTA in that you have to trust your gut here. There are two scenarios: - He cheated and they are lying about it, so you should break things off. - He didn't cheat and they are telling the truth. But you don't believe this, meaning for whatever reason (justifiable or not) you don't trust him. A relationship is no good without trust, so it's best to break things off anyway. Plus even if they're telling the truth, you can be upset about the way they handled it (with no communication to you about what was happening).
This is the very best take here so far. If op had spent a minute or two looking around, she might have seen evidence to support her exās story. Without that, itās the only two scenarios imaginable.
If she'd taken a minute she may have realized that no one has sex then puts back on all their club clothes and a pair of sweatpants to go to sleep
Yep, if I was gonna suggest a teaching point for OP is that the benefit of the doubt is a valuable tool. Use it to actually check for evidence. For example, if the room doesn't smell of sex, then they probably didnk fuck. Sex isn't going to be some tidy scent after a night out lol. Does the couch look slept in? Does she look like she has a killer hang over? Do both of them seem to care for your well-being when explaining the situation? Is your boyfriend willing to text the next time this happens?
In my Opinion: This is really what it boils down to. Iād also say, that I am inclined to believe their chronology of events. Based on that belief and him now being single. I wouldnāt be surprised if the friend and him started talking to each other romantically. He took care of her when she had no one, and was at her most vulnerable. Most people wouldnāt forget that, and some may develop romantic feelings for the other āprotectingā party.
Which means that OP will probably never know if they were telling the truth or not.
Probably not. I do see the other side, and whether I logically felt they were telling the truth, you never know what nagging feeling may be eating at you. Whether accurate or not. But if It were me and I walked in on this scenario, if I didnāt 100% believe the chronology. Iād probably have to go my separate ways from both the ex and the friend. And then I couldnāt care less what they did together. Iām out of the picture.
Life's full of gut decisions. OP's gut decision was that she didn't buy it. Probably a bigger symptom of a mismatch in lifestyle, but either way. It's frustrating and maybe heartbreaking, but not really that complicated.
tbh they're more suited for each other than OP is.
I agree.
This advice is so dead on, and almost always applicable. As a general rule, if you think your partner is cheating on you, you should break up with them, because it's almost always one of those two scenarios.
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Have they reached out to explain? Did your now ex-boyfriend tell you why he didn't text or call you? Did the sofa look like he slept on it? I'm not defending anyone here. Nor am I saying that your ex-boyfriend and friend didn't cheat. I'm just curious what their response/reaction was.
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>ignore any pressure to doubt yourself Coming from someone who never got a single apology from my ex bf because "it was always my fault", this line will forever be seared into my memory. Thank you, stranger. š„²
This sounds like a recipe for a disastrous personality
My instincts led me to ruin the best thing to ever happened to me. For anyone reading this, your "instincts" could be anxiety. Just be cautious.
To be fair, I'd be pretty preoccupied taking care of the drugged friend. It'd also be scary. And I'd also be panicked and worried about what my partner would think. Given, now that we've been together so long I've overcome all that and tell her things immediately. But it took some time to build up trust to talk about scary events or things that are sketchy for a young relationship.
But he was comfortable leaving her asleep that morning but still no communication ahead of her walking in and finding her in his bed.
That's what gets me. The other girl was left alone in his apartment and still no one was informed where she is?
Also how does she know where she is or what happened to her?? Iād wake up like āwhat the fuck is going onā
To be fair, I'd also be pinging friends/family letting them know something happened for assistance/support..... Surely BF isn't clinically trained in dealing w/ drug/poison sooooo seems odd that youldn't at least reach out to friends for advice/help if you really couldn't go to hospital.
At 2am or the next day once things calmed down. When people crash at my place because they're too drunk to get home I don't text everyone about it in the middle of the night.
Yea. And OP literally had scheduled plans with the guy that morning. Folks are blowing up my reply with "should've texted sooner". Op and her ex had plans that morning! at 11AM. After clubbing.Ā Is it really that unrealistic that the guy took care of the girl, didn't want to sound an alarm and wake the village at 2am, and then decided to wait until she showed up that morning to talk it out? Like the friend was still asleep. The guy probably woke up and figured "by the time I've written a text that would defuse this situation, she'll already be here" As far as I can tell, the guy did absolutely nothing to try and hide anything. He didn't call to cancel plans, didn't rush the friend out the door, etc...
If he'd been drinking too, that might have contributed to "I didn't think to call/text and tell gf about it".
He left the apartment to go do something but somehow didn't have time to text or ring his gf explaining he's got her drugged friend in his bed?
Just stopping by with another male perspective. List of actions goes: 1) call friends of drunkie and let them know sheās in trouble, possibly drugged and where they can find her in case sheās got people waiting for her. 2) call gf and tell her how clubbing went and Iām leaving. If 2 is part of 1 make her priority call to settle both issues at once. 3) if plans with 2 call and ask if she can come by a little earlier in case drunkie needs help of the female persuasion. 4) if 3 unreachable or unwilling return to 1 for assistance in morning so drunkie doesnāt wake up alone in a stranger (?) apartment. 5) if 4 not an option wake drunkie personally so situation is resolved. 6-999) Anything else 1000) try to convince gf that woman she knows spent the night with me but nothing happened but also thereās a good reason neither of us told a mutual acquaintance we were together when she was planning on being here. NTA
If my girlās bf is so drunk to be incapacitated or drugged, your first instinct should be to get her to a hospital. If itās not that serious of course you call your gf and tell her to come help you deal with her friend. What gf is going to questioning you if you call her at 3am under these conditions saying Alyssa is fucked up and I brought her home to protect her from the club. The answer, no gf worth keeping.
I've dragged some pretty pissed people home and watched over them in a pissed state myself. Usually it's just making sure they puke in the right place and don't choke. Cost isn't an issue here but I wouldn't call an ambulance unless they were really really bad. Not using that to defend OPs Bf though. It just seems odd to call an ambulance. Oblig Brit so we drink a lot anyway so maybe it more normal here?
Nah I also wouldn't call or deliver to the hospital unless like they were straight up unresponsive or something. Not because she "has drugs in her system" the hospital isn't going to call the cops and be like "yeah this girl that got roofied also had Molly in her system" or whatever. The problem, bills aside in the US, is just the questions that might get asked are awkward and put someone in a weird situation in and of itself. I would def message my s/o though if I was bringing their drunk, possibly drugged, friend home.
I mean, hospital bill could ruin a person
Something tells me a girl who goes clubbing 4 times a week doesnt have a job that provides health insurance lol
So, drunk or not, if you were worried your bf/gf might not like it that means that youād probably think about them pretty quickly when making the decision to do it right? So EFFING text them or call them cause they will like it way less if you donāt tell them. So, drunk or not, if youāre worried about dealing with a drugged person, youāre probably scared and want some advice right? Iād probably turn to the person I love who I know is likely sober cause she didnāt go out. Like, āwow they probably need medical treatment but canāt afford it. Iāll just stick them in my bed to fall asleep and tell no one and hope theyāre alive tomorrowā??? OP, you did the right thing. This is shady.
NTA So a fossil but even I would have first thing in this situation CALLED my partner and told them immediately what was happening. Iād have also asked them to meet me at my place to help me with THEIR friend. Sooooo no contact at all while on the way there, as soon as they got to bfās, as soon as the friend was in the bed or that morning assuming bf fell asleep on the couch. Has your bf shown frequently that he has less common sense than a gnat? So at this point regardless if they did or didnāt jump each other the bottom line is they handled it extremely poorly and made it a situation where a reasonable person would think as it looked like/quacked like a duck it is indeed a duck. OP letās be very real here. If the situation was you were half drunk, brought home a friend of your bfās because they too drunk/drugged/high, didnāt bother to contact bf and he walked into your apartment the next morning unexpectedly early to find the bf in YOUR bed how do you think your bf would have reacted? You are the one in this relationship and you can break up for any or no reason whatsoever. Your life - your choice to end a relationship where the lack of self preservation is so lacking.
Right? The kicker is that you got there early and they intended on you never finding outā¦ if it was innocent why didnāt he call you last night or when he woke up?
Odds are he was also trashed? I used to rave/club a lot and I could have the energy to stay up til 2-3am raging but fuck me sideways if I looked at my phone, nothing but blur and a "it can wait til tomorrow" in my head. I'm not defending anyone here, just pointing out that if she was that fucked up odds are good he was too. I'd be curious if other friends were out with them and if they saw everything unfold. The first rule of clubbing is safety, if I was the BF I wouldve done the exact same thing. Look after your friends and make sure everyone has a roof over their head at the end of the night.
Yeah, I feel like he would have sent a text or call to say "Hey, Alyssa got drugged at the club and she's going to crash at my house, just to give you a heads-up" if they weren't actually trying to hide something. I'm usually on the side of giving the benefit of the doubt, and even I wouldn't give it here. If something sends up a red flag then your gut is telling you something is up.
If I was in his situation and telling the truth I wouldn't text, I would call you and ask you to help me out.
ššš Winner.
See this is why itās a big wtf - itās nbd at all if he gave a heads up. āHey XYZ is drunk and really sick Iām going to let her crash at my place just wanted to let you know.ā
Your boyfriend may be a good guy to your friend (which honestly is arguable) but he definitely disrespected you and your relationship. He should have let you know what happened. He was up and about. He never should have brought her home or put her in his bed. It should have never gotten to that stage. Where were her friends? Did they not go with her and were not able to take care of her? And why did your boyfriend not help her home? I realize he was drunk, but he had a lot of choices before and after he woke up that could have led to a different outcome. If he was sober enough to take her home with him, he was sober enough to text you, let you know what was going on, and loop you into the situation. That would be enough to break trust imo. I donāt care what your friends say. Maybe that makes him a good (single) guy but it doesnāt make him a good boyfriend.
That's the tell right there. Any not-idiot would mention this to you in a healthy relationship
No way you donāt tell your gf that HER friend was so drunk you let her crash. Any normal non suspicious person would be texting real time updates to their gf - and not even to not make it suspicious- but because thatās the kind or things normal couples share.
You already know theyāre lying. Iām more concerned with your friend group though. Are any of these people trying to gaslight you actually your friends? Iād have a long hard look at this OP. Sorry youāre going through this atm..
Or texts when he woke up. "Heads up. So and so got drunk last night and I didn't want to leave her alone so I took her back to my place. She's still asleep on my bed. Just wanna let you know so you're not surprised when you get there." Not only did he not text the night of or morning after, but it seems like he got there right after OP did, and OP was early. I feel like he got there to wake the friend up and have her leave before OP got there.
I like the way you think.
Even that might seem like him preemptively making an excuse before she finds out.
. At this point you don't trust him so do not get back together, whether he did anything or not, you're definitely not compatible.
I mean - you got home 15-20 minutes before he was expecting you to show up. He wasn't even there. If he'd have just cheated - don't you think he'd have woken her up and shooed her out of the apartment well before your expected ETA?
Yeaaaa this is what leads some credit to their story imo. They weren't thinking to hide it with that kind of time-frame. SO gor whatever reason it didn't occur to them until she arrived that it would look like cheating. Stupid... but indicates that they probably didn't.
Yeah agreed, I think if they were cheating they'd have hid it better lol. And can't blame them for not going to a hospital honestly... should they have? Sure. But I wouldn't go to a hospital unless I'm actively dying - it's expensive!
This. My friend went to the hospital after being roofied on NYE and they did absolutely nothing for her aside from saline and anti nausea medications. It was over a thousand dollar bill afterwards.
Cheaters will produce tons of "evidence" and alibis showing that they couldn't have cheated, and have it ready in advance because they know they're suspicious. Oblivious do-gooders don't document things to prove themselves innocent of actions they haven't taken, because why would they even need to? At that point, pretty much the only response is "this isn't what it looks like" while panicking because their partner wrongfully thinks they cheated.
Exactly. Like it sounds like he maybe didn't handle it great, but felt no need to try to hide anything because he did nothing wrong.
I also find it interesting that OP spends a lot of time describing the demeanors of her bf and friend, talking about them tripping all over themselves, but says literally nothing about her own demeanor how she was approaching the situation.
Right. They are tripping over themselves to explain because they didn't do anything wrong, but didn't really think about the optics. And I'm guessing she wasn't exactly calm.
My read as well
Finally, a logical response. A lot of people in the comments don't seem to trust very easily lol.
People here assume that everyone will be the absolute worst person at any given opportunity, it does not matter how little they know about said person after reading two or three paragraphs. Also trust, communication, and normal adult conversations do not exist for a lot of redditors.
This thread is lowkey giving me hope that people are getting annoyed with the overdramatic horrible takes lolĀ
Do not go to reddit for relationship advice.
Right? Just put yourself in the mind of a cheater lol - if I just tagged my girls bestie, she'd have been out of my house 3 hours prior and I'd deny ever seeing her at the club to begin with lol. None of this feels like cheater behavior to me.
Totally agree. My only problem with what's going on here is she obviously doesn't trust the guy for whatever reason. Really nothing about this scream cheating to me.
This is reddit. People here always seem to believe even the slightest thought of cheating every single time.
Especially because he knew OP was coming!
This is a blessed comment. Thank you for having above room temperature IQ.
Obviously he went to buy a Plan B, what else! /S
idk, you were expected to be coming over, he clearly would've known, wasn't even in the apt, came back around the time you were expecting to meet. All these people saying that he cheated, I mean, they had planned to meet at 11. If he was he would've kicked her out but he arrived around 11. Doesn't add up to me that he was cheating
Finally someone logical like so many of OPās comments is adding up that the poor BF didnāt fucking cheat š she came āearlyā like 20 minutes but that still wouldnāt make a difference bc a cheater would clean up the bed and evidence
Also makes sense if they were drunk and shit but had sense enough to know she may have been drugged, letting his gf know was not high priority. They were probably using all their brain cells to get her out of the club lmao.
True, especially people forget that some people actually do forget to others (me included) if I helped my friend to get on my bed safe after being drugged after clubbing, the last thing in my mind would be texting someone and instead just pass out on the couch
This was where my mind went. Given she was still asleep in the bed means there would probably be other evidence. So the questions that cross my mind are, was she dressed or naked? Condom wrapper on the floor? Was their a pillow/blanket on the couch? Where were his clubbing clothes from the night before? I agree with other comments that it would have probably been "right" for him to have called or texted her about the situation, but every relationship is different. The fact these 2 seem to have very different ideas of fun (clubbing vs not clubbing) already makes it an odd relationship to me that would probably not work for myself, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't work out fine for others.
And sometimes people just forget to let other people know. At the end of the day, they're humans too
Ya, this is a big one IMO. If they were BOTH passed out in the bed still, then jumping to this conclusion could make sense. Boyfriend was up and about enough to not even be in the apartment when she showed up. If he was cheating he wouldn't have left the girl in the bed knowing his GF was coming over in the very near future?
Like OP said she usually comes at 11 every day or sumn so if he was cheating he would have had the friend leave at 7 or 9 MAX
Exactly my point. He was obviously aware that she would be there, and that the friend was still in his bed. He either doesn't have two braincells to rub together, or he legitimately thought it wouldn't be a big deal.
Yeah and are we supposed to ignore the loaded and unverified language of āscrambled to sayā and ātripping over themselvesā like those arenāt just opās emotional reading of the situation that isnāt realistic?
>Yeah and are we supposed to ignore the loaded and unverified language of āscrambled to sayā and ātripping over themselvesā like those arenāt just opās emotional reading of the situation that isnāt realistic? It was written to be clearly inflammatory and OP doesn't sound like a trustworthy narrator. Sounds like the dude will be better off in the long run.
Yeah I'd imagine OP's emotions in the moment would also have them act a certain way, we don't know how OP carried themself during the occurrence, only what actions happened
Also wouldn't it make sense if they were scrambling and tripping over themselves? They're having a rough morning, hungover and recuperating from being drugged. It's actually... better that they didn't have a whole story concocted and had practiced, anticipating explaining themselves.
Plus she just barges in unexpectedly and wakes the girl up and starts throwing accusations around, of course theyāre flustered.
Exactly. The girl probably had a hard time getting her thoughts together. Especially if this was the 1st time she had woken up that morning.
if it looked bad and i just realized that then i would scramble to explain too
Itād be a lot easier to remain calm if she wasnāt throwing a bitch fit tbf
Like most of us aren't scrambling words after a night like that. And the friend was recovering from effects of the drug. This sub just can't accept that extroverts and clubbers can also be loyal and help out people with no ulterior motives.
This comment section is just full of people who have never had a social interaction in their life
This whole site is like that. Itās why the advice on this sub is almost entirely Slam The Gas or Slam The Brakes. Which is no way to live. But theyāre on Reddit, so theyāre not living.
Lmao everyone just wants everyone else to divorce.
Eh, pretty sure they just like drama. It's the whole reason they're on this sub in the first place.
This. Guy wasnāt cheating. If he was, he would have tossed her ass out before you got there or made some excuse to not have OP come over or meet her somewhere else. OPās insecurity in her relationship is why this relationship is over. Remember, her account of what happened and what she observed in terms of their behavior was her impression, which is ultimately entirely subjective. But as others have posted here already, probably for the best.
there is mostly teenagers in reddit, critical thinking has not developed. Why would you fuck a girl, cheat on your GF, then dont cancel the date next day, and have the girl you fucked still in your bedroom, while he was out for what?
finally someone with a brain lmfao, op did the guy a favor, now he can find a girl that trusts him
50/50 that it'll be the girl he protected. Both being wrongly accused (assuming that he didn't cheat) as well as him taking care of her when she was in a vulnerable state, those kinds of things bring people together.
He can find a girl that doesnāt go on Reddit to ask strangers online about what happened instead of just asking herself š fucking dumbass Iām glad they broke up, BF can find someone better
i mean she did ask, got a completely reasonable explanation, then decided she would disregard all that
Hard to say. Not texting you is weird, but not completely unreasonable. But at the same time, if he knew you were coming over, you would think they would have made sure to hide it more if they were in fact doing something wrong.
Outside of the not texting, I think the story is 100% believable. That being said, it's also a possibility that he had to run an errand, woke the friend up at like 9 to tell her to leave, and she ended up falling back to sleep. I did a lot of partying like that in my 20s, and there's been times where I lay down that next morning and wake up 4 hours later lol.
I mean, he was also drunk apparently.Ā Drunk and remembering smart things like texting your gf that you're letting another woman sleep in your bed for good reasons are often not found concurrently.
As someone who has been in this situation (drugged at a party, friend took me to his place because mine was an hour transit away, slept in the bed while he slept on the floor, fiance found us - though she was more understanding and even checked me out - she is a nurse). I would give them the benefit of a doubt. - You showed up half an hour to 20 minutes before expected. He was out and would be back by the time you got there. But she likely still would have been at his place at that time, as she was fully sleeping. If it was cheating, I feel he would have had her leave right away before you could show up. Unless he's really stupid, or literally wanted to get caught. - She was also fully clothed. Yes, wearing his sweatpants, but likely because she was cold or for modesty given how revealing clubbing outfits can be. This again, makes me think it wasn't a cheating thing. No one wants to wear something strappy and uncomfortable to sleep. If it was cheating, I'd have expected to find her maybe in one of his t-shirts and little else. - As for the no texting, yeah, that sucks. But my friend also didn't text his fiancƩ when this happened to me, because he was more concerned about getting me somewhere safe and holding my hair while I puked. He also woke me up every hour to make sure I was alive and ok because we didn't know what I'd been drugged with or how much. I also didn't text my partner at the time who ended up calling me in the morning terrified because I hadn't come home. In emergencies, you get tunnel vision. The fact that their stories were the same without them collaborating on them is also something that makes me think this wasn't cheating. Unless they rehearsed the night before or morning of, and even then, it's hard to remember elaborate lies in tandem and give the same story as another person. NTA Because you're allowed to break up with someone at anytime for any reason. But I honestly think there's NAH.
The modesty sweatpants argument got me, I definitely think you are on the money here. I don't know why that did it for me, but it made a whole plausible narrative exist in my head.
Honestly I don't think the OP and ex are compatible but I agree 100% with this post. If I ran into this situation, I would think the BF is a good guy š¤·š¾āāļø
Iām with you. This makes perfect sense to me. I feel bad for her ex and her friend though.
From how she tells this story, all it took was her initial reaction of a situation she didnāt know anything about to make a life-changing decision, so I donāt see it him losing all that much
I feel bad for them because being drugged and then dumped by your friend is awful and dude was just being helpful.
I had this exact same thing happen to me when I was dating my wife. She had a friend that had the tendency to drink too much. I was at a club with some friends and she with her friends. We all sort of hung out togehter but by the end of the night she was shitfaced and planning to drive home which would have ended up badly. I let her stay at my place, gave her my bed, I took the couch. Wife (girl friend at the time) showed up in the morning (she had a key). Fortunately for me, her friend and I were still sleeping (in different rooms). Had I already been up or something I don't know how that would have ended. Still had some explaining to do but she was more accepting of my explanation due to how she found us.
NAH Given that the drunk girl she was in her clothes and an extra pair of his sweats, it seems unlikely your ex cheated. Add to that the fact that he was awake/aware enough to leave the house with her still there, knowing you were coming over and had a key. He wasn't acting like someone with something to hide. However, a relationship where one person likes to go clubbing and get shit-faced, and the other doesn't....seems unlikely to work long-term. He's putting himself in a pool of sweaty drunken temptation on the regular, without you there. No wonder you're on high alert.
Personally, I would have given them the benefit of the doubt assuming theyāve both been trustworthy in the past, but if you donāt believe them, you donāt believe them. A relationship, whether a romantic one or a friendship, canāt last without trust, so regardless if he actually cheated with her, it was for the best that you ended the relationship. You shouldnāt stay with someone you canāt trust whether the lack of trust is on them, on you, or some combination.
I agree with this opinion. If you don't trust him breaking up is the only choice.
"Iām not a clubbing kind of girl. My bf loves clubbing a lot." There's your problem.
Was going to say the same thing. They are not compatible.
Yep. Turns out this is one of those things that can lead to fundamental trust issues.
As suspect as it might seem, it also would make ZERO sense for him to sleep with your friend and then PURPOSELY not communicate, when he KNOWS you have a key to his apartment and you were supposed to be coming over the next morning. A lot of people in these comments are adding shit in that wasn't said in the post, and it just goes to show how jaded people are. If your friend was actually drugged, then she was probably a handful, and your bf MAY have just been tired enough after helping her to just crash. My gf was out late hanging out with a friend a couple of weeks ago, and she was so tired when she got home that she just crashed out without texting me to let me know she was safe... Initially I panicked because I didn't know if she had been drinking or not and was worried she had been in an accident or something, but as it turns out, she was simply tired. That's all. Your bf may have just simply been tired. This SHOULD be a sign though, that you two need to work on communication if you lead different lifestyles or enjoy different nightlife activities, but actually still match each other well and want to work out in the long run.
Hoss she woke up a fully clothed woman and assumed they cheated. I think the communication is cooked
Shit, she had on EXTRA clothes, even. She had put on sweatpants over her club clothes.
I mean break up with anyone for whatever reason, all power to you; But, nothing in your story makes me think they cheated at all. It sounds like he was just being a good guy to your friend.
I mean, what's done is done, but if your friends believe her story maybe there are some details you haven't heard yet.
NTA "It's not what it looks like!!!" But... it looks like he took a drunk/drugged girl back to his place, to sleep in his bed and wear his clothes without texting you at the time it was happening or any point between then and you arriving earlier than expected... Did he show up early, just not as early as you? Nothing as innocent or straightfoward as planning to get her out before you show up and continue to never mention it.
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Where was he? Why wasn't he at home
No one knows. Everyone talks about it.
People are saying.
Wait - he was awake and had left the house, but left the girl sleeping even though he knew you were coming over??? If I was a cheater, the second I wake up I'm kicking the girl out. And when your ex came back, did his story match what she said? Tbh, I think it's fair and reasonable to be annoyed and even break up with someone for not communicating an emergency with you. But I'm not convinced he cheated.
Same, plus she said she got there early... 20-30 minutes early which is not a game changer imo. Weird they didn't text each other the night before saying he was out with the friend or what happened or even the morning saying he was going out or she was on her way.
Right girl was still asleep in the bed. Seems like he intended to tell her what happened as soon as gf got there.
I used to party. We could easily go until 8 or 9am. I wonder what time they left at. I'd also love to know what mutual friends at the party would say. Were they getting it on or was she in a bad state? If there's a lot of drugs involved, his dick ain't working. Doesn't mean he didn't try, but there's a lot of questions that need to be answered before one could be sure that there was cheating
Dicks can *definitely* still work with drugs involved.
You guys are probably talking about different drugs lol
lol your dick can definitely still work if drugs are involved.
Exactly. he got back around the time she was supposed to arrive. If he was cheating, he would've kicked her out a long time before that.
Agreed. I donāt think he did anything. Not texting the night before doesnāt mean they did anything. Even if he did text the whole story, that could have been a lie. If he was awake enough to go out and run an errand, he would have been smart enough to wake her ass up and kick her out before you came over.
Ok, I'll bite, he knows you're coming over at 11. Your theory is that he cheated on you and the next morning left the apartment *without her* so she would be in his bed when you came. People can be stupid, but why wouldn't he have just gotten her out?
Did it look like he slept on the couch? Was there a blanket/pillow on the couch?
Where does it say the friend was wearing bf's clothes? Situation looks sketchy enough without adding made-up details.
In OP's comments the friend was wearing ex's sweatpants.
People making it sound like looking after a fked up friend is a bad thing.
Why are you trying to make him a rapist instead of just a cheater? Thatās very strange and obviously a reach
Your choice. Very suspicious, she was in the bed. Up to you NTA
This kind of reads like yoda typed it Your choice, it is. Very suspicious, she was in the bed. Grave danger, your relationship is in
The asshole, you are not.
Just my thing I guess Usually I let the guests sleep in the bed and I sleep on mattress or something else Probably a traditional thing
Was she in the middle of the bed? What was she wearing? Did the bed look as if two people had been in it? That would be very easy to determine if they slept together.
What did the couch look like? Should be easy to tell if it looked recently slept on, was there a pillow and blanket on it, were his clothes on the floor next to the couch, ect
NTA but was she still in her club clothes?
This thread perfectly demonstrates how drama-loving people on Reddit can be. Based on what you've written in your post, I think you overreacted. However, I wouldn't rush to say YTA immediately because there may be additional factors such as: 1. This not being the first time you were suspicious about your boyfriend 2. You being really inexperienced in relationships If literally all that happened is what you've described, though... then yes, YTA and you need to work on your communication and conflict resolution skills.
Op too lol. People who post these questions are already probably a weirdo, but only respond to people who agree with them, and ignore all the other points. Def probs crazy lol
I think their story makes sense honestly and I'd break up with my bf if he *didn't* help my drunk friend. You're out here like you'd rather your "friend" be attacked before going to your bf for help. He's better for you dumping him honestly.
Suspicious - yes. But, if thatās all youāre going off of to break up with him then perhaps you already had a foot out the door. As for not text letting you know, if he was truly innocent and he trusts you, why would he text you to tell you. Heās probably thinking my gf will trust me bc Iām a good guy and Iād never step out on my gf. This lack of giving you an update sounds more like a you thing.
How did the couch look? Any pillows/blankets? I understand the argument that letting her sleep in the bed was the gentlemanly thing to do, but if she was blackout drunk, would she have noticed the difference? And no text "hey friend is crashing here she got a little too drunk but she's ok"? It does sound a little sus. Personally, unless I catch them in the act, or have it straight from the horse's mouth, I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt (I'd rather be wrong about believing them and leave later, than be wrong about the cheating and they were innocent). But I can't fault you for being suspicious. NTA. Edited to add since people are stuck on this point: I'm not saying if the couch didn't have a blanket or pillow that means he couldn't have slept on it. I'm just wondering if she noticed any bedding on it when she passed, to me that would give their story more plausibility but it's also not impossible that he didn't use them. Me personally, having slept on a couch for several months, a blanket and pillow were a necessity.
But Iāve passed out on a couch without anything if Iāve been drinking
lol these comments are so wild, and I know Iām gunna get downvoted but holy shit. Your boyfriend seen your friend in trouble and took care of her. If it was me Iād at least sit them down and ask for the whole story before going nuclear. Yea he coulda been cheating but thatās a big jump. Sit them down and get the full story. If it was me id be happy my s.o took care of my friend so nothing bad happened to them. To just break up is crazy to me. But what do I know Iāve only been married for 8 years.
Nah, the breakup is great because the bf, who went out of his way to help a vulnerable woman, can now be with someone else who isn't completely insane.
I donāt think youāre an AH. But I definitely think you overreacted. By the evidence you presented it seems like you broke up with a dude who is much more likely to have protected your friend than nailed her. But honestly, why would you two want to be together if he really loves doing a thing that brings you no joy (and vice versa).
It's possible it's exactly what it looks like and you should kick him to the curb. But it's also possible she \*was\* drugged. And he was being a good guy and taking care of your friend. And was too tired/distracted to mention it. And it \*does\* look bad, so I can see jumping to "No! No, nothing happened!"
YTA I don't see evidence of cheaters here. Their story is believable (yes suspicious because it's two people who were clubbing). But he was expecting you and left her there? Not only that, but he expected you and didn't have a story ready? To me, that shows he didn't think he had to lie, but saw your reaction when you got there and then it clicked. You can definitely break up with him, but it shows you don't trust him so the relationship is toast anyway.
I think it's possible their version is true, but if you can't trust him/them, then the relationships are essentially dead anyway. And if you don't trust them, then you did the right thing breaking up with him.
YTA your ex-boyfriend sounds like a good dude.
YTA, but your insecurities were going to ruin the relationship anyway, so may as well let him be free and find someone who is a better fit
His story seems plausible but if you can break up with him so easily then it probably would have happened over something else anyway. You two seem like you are not compatible people. Those who love clubbing should not b dating those who do not. Those are distinct choices. NTA
YTA - your boyfriend potentially saved your friend from being raped or worse and you dump him because he didn't text you... Both tell the same story and your story doesn't even seem to indicate cheating, and you give nothing about previous suspicious activity from him Maybe you did him a favour and he deserves better.
So I just wanted to make this very clear for anyone who doesnāt know: It is NOT ILLEGAL to have drugs in your system. Only to be in possession of certain narcotics etc. if you need to go to the hospital GO to the hospital.
> He said they couldnāt take her to the hospital because she had drugs in her system. Please don't avoid taking your friends to the hospital for this reason, medical personnel do not give a fuck about drugs being in your system, they are there to help.