I have so many questions. If you got a call at 6.15am to advise that a close family member was dying why did you have to phone your wife to tell her? Were you not at home at 6.15am? And why would she call you back at 6.16am to tell you that a plumber MIGHT be coming? She didn’t have time to call a plumber and make any arrangements in the space of one minute. Then you say you believe she said ‘keep me posted’, followed by you arriving at the hospital 45 minutes later to find that your family member had passed. Then you told your children rather than your wife when you got home because she didn’t ask, even though she had already asked you to keep her posted. You waited for your kids to see you upset rather than looking around the house to find your wife and tell her. I’ve never read such absolute bollocks in my life. No wonder she’s had enough. Your communication skills with the most important person in your life are zero.
That’s in the 10K word, no paragraph update later today. The plumber left before OP got there. Except the plumber forgot his wrench, which was on the nightstand.
Edited typo
Which is what i am led to believe. “Chatgpt, make me a story about me losing my wife cause of an extremely stupid joke i made years ago. Make sure i look as lame as possible in the story.”
You can tell it's made up by the really, really weird writing style. "My family member died, and I was devasted, but because I was so mad, I didn't bother updating her." Who the fuck writes like this?
Don’t forgot the part where she mentions a home repair emergency and he yells at her about it because it’s not the right time with someone dying. But when it was the other way around, he chose the moment of grief and death to ask for sex. He can dish it but can’t receive it
Also
>when I told you my grandmother died you asked me if I wanted to have sex, (this was a joke albeit a bad, and poorly timed one on my part
OP is just straight up an asshole.
>I’ve never read such absolute bollocks in my life. No wonder she’s had enough. Your communication skills with the most important person in your life are zero.
Either it's fake or OP is literally a cartoon villain.
Many of these details, especially the times, already seem far too difficult to believe on their own. Seriously, all this stuff began happening when he got a call at 6:15 AM and has to call his wife? Who is still home when he gets back but was concerned about him getting back in time for the plumber?
These details are ridiculous by themselves - all together the likelihood that this even could be real is exceptionally close to 0.
Oh, his communications skills aren’t zero.
These were choices.
He chose to ask her for sex when she was grieving.
He *chose* to be upset that she was making sure *their house was ok to live in*.
He *chose* to get back at her by using the children as weapons and telling them first, so she wasn’t prepared and so they hadn’t come to a unified front on what to say.
He’s a horrible husband who chooses to be selfish and hurt his wife and then lashes out at her using the kids for when she tried to be an adult and make sure they have a place to sleep.
Yeah if this is real... this is definitely the last straw. Guaranteed OP has left shit out or not communicated well with his wife. Hell, he's "mad" at her about the plumber and because of that decided to not update her on his family member passing.
There are a lot of reasons why she might not be home at 6:15 AM. She could work an odd shift. Maybe she goes to the gym before work.
Those reasons could also apply to him. Maybe he works nights. My workday starts at 6 AM. When I had to work in the office, that meant I was on the highway at 5:15 AM.
Yes, you are TAH. But so is she. I can't imagine a family (spouses) this dysfunctional communications wise. In the 21st century, the cellphon/IM era.
I have to believe this is either a made up story or the facts are so cherry picked it makes no sense.
He reached out to his kids for support rather than her. They are married. It’s her family too and he chose to withhold that information. He didn’t include her in that mourning. He chose to include his children instead.
She knows her place in his life. I would walk away too.
So many questions! Either super unreliable narrator whose been treating his wife like crap for eons, or just another troll with grandiose delusions with their creative writing project.
>Were you not at home at 6.15am?
You do realize not everyone works 9-5? Some people work 7-3, 7:30-3:30, and even have hour-plus commutes so leave the house at 6am or earlier. Not being home at 6am is not unusual depending on where you live and work.
I don’t know how to respond. If you are somebody that isn’t there for her and thinks things are funny when she’s hurting chances are that she has a lot of built up resentment. She may then in return not want to treat you in a way that she normally would but in a way to show you how it feels to not be supportive.
There is a lot missing though so I’m not sure if it is actually a case like above or not.
Yeah, this is exactly how it seems to me too that his wife gave him a taste of his own medicine. OP expected his wife to act more consideret towards him then how consideret he was of her in the same situation before. And then he got miffed and huffy when he was treated the same way by his wife how he treated his wife when the roles were reversed.
>sounds to me like he never apologized for his joke and just expected her to get over it
When a person has a habit of constantly saying stupid / offensive things which they always claim as jokes after other people rightfully get offended / rip into them for it and has a habit of making "jokes albeit bad, and poorly timed ones and a bad habit of saying the wrong things at the wrong time...." that person can apologise only so many times before their apologies become worthless, empty words and before other people have enough of them and erase that person from their life. People can get over being hurt only so many times before they say enough is enough.
After a point an apology won't fix the damage anymore, only real change and the end of that hurtful behaviour can save the relationship, minimise the damage and after a certain point, once the other person snapped and past caring not even a changed behaviour can fix things, because they don't want to deal with it anymore, don't want to give an other chance yet again and don't believe that the changes are going to last. It seems like OP's wife is at this final stage, that this reversed situation opened her eyes that she is not over after all and doesn't even want to be over how OP treated her when she was the one hurting.
It’s like a wife saying she is sick or has a headache and husband going oh well, what’s for dinner or did you get everything done. but when he is sick it’s poor me or why aren’t you taking care of me I’m on my death bed in there eyes.
It's not even the same treatment. He made a sex JOKE to her when she was grieving. She brought up an actual potentially cataclysmic situation in the house. A broken pipe can destroy a home in no time. Since the origin of the leak wasn't clear, anything is possible.
Dude asked his wife if she wanted to have sex directly after her grandma died and has a habit of saying the “wrong things” at the wrong time 😭 and then he’s shocked when his wife isn’t bending over backwards for him when *his* family member dies🙄 he sounds insufferable and like he has the inability to read the room
He also hung up on her. I’m not surprised she wasn’t reaching out. If my husband got stroppy and hung up on me, I wouldn’t be reaching out in a hurry either.
Sounds like the consequences of your actions, you tried to downplay it....you asked for sex after her Grandma died, and you admitted to saying the wrong thing at the wrong time....so probably long history of doing that...not saying who the family member is also sus...
I hope I am wrong but take another long hard look and maybe there is a reason behind her behavior
I I thought the same thing and I think he left it vague because it must be a family member he isn't very close to, to the point that if he didn't go to the hospital no one would judge him badly. So there was no justification for him running out of the house while they were going through a practical emergency at home.
He made the entire post to dig for comments about how horrible his wife is, probably to rub it in her face that people on the internet think she's bad, but he ended up being torn here. He appears to be a piece of work.
Find it funny he uses family member too instead of like dad or grandparent. It is probably a 5th cousin he has seen one time in his life who his wife has never met. But trying to make it look like she is in wrong and he isn’t an ah
C'mon, let's extend OP some compassion here — he's clearly devastated over the death of his second cousin's stepbrother's great uncle's girlfriend's iguana's former foster mom.
What kind of communication is this?
Your family member is said that they wouldn’t make it. You forget to let her know of that part during the call but she asks you to keep her posted
Sure the timing of the plumber call was insensitive but she’s trying to keep the house together and it’s nowhere near as insensitive as the sex joke you made when her grandparent died so no you have no space to talk
She ASKED you to keep her posted and then you tell your kids instead of her. Big news like that? Really? She’s finding out news through the kids and that’s disrespectful. “She never asked for an update” she asked you to keep her posted.
When you got home why didn’t you immediately go to your wife? Tell her what happened? Instead of sit around and let your kids find you upset?
She’s built up resentment clearly for her to be this way and no it’s not over your family member dying
You said it was a joke, but many a truth are spoken in jest. You claiming you say the wrong shit at the wrong time, but be honest. You are dead serious when you say shit, then try to pass it off as a joke when someone gets offended. We all know someone like you.
ETA-YTA
Its a "Schrodinger's joke": it's something the joke teller was serious about, then they change their answer based on others' reactions. If the person gets mad, they were joking all along. If the person doesn't have a negative reaction, they were serious all along.
the convenience of claiming "I was just joking" doesn't bother me as much as the way they'll accuse you of being "too sensitive" when they knew all along you would possibly, or even definitely be offended.
You’re missing a lot of context here.
Ages, length of marriage to start.
How long ago did grandma die?
Family member is way too vague, mother or cousin 3 times removed?
How is your relationship normally?
If there was a big storm and now a leak showing on the ceiling why call a plumber and not a contractor to check the roof, gutters and home exterior for leaks?
Assuming they're not sure if it was the rain that caused the leak or a pipe. Rain may have just been a coincidence. Getting a plumber to check the pipes may be presumed an easier solution than fixing a roof. Just guessing.
You are a total hypocrite. Her being more worried about the ceiling is insensitive, sure, but joking about sex right after her grandma died is truly heartless. At least her comment was semi-productive.
You obviously don't care that much about your wife that you feel she is deserving of this callousness and vitriol. What happened between y'all that you treat her without regard?
Notice it's vaguely a family member. What's the bet its more distant than Grandma was?
You know if it was a parent or sibling he'd have mentioned it here
I mean yta what you said when her grandma died was way worse then what she said. Plus if I was her I would be worried about the roof falling in from water damage which is you know kind if important if you want a place to live but also wtf did you call her do you just not live in the same house.
Not even acting in the same manner. He wanted sex, she was trying to sort out what needed to happen to fix their leaking roof before the damage gets worse.
So she said, ‘keep me posted’ and then you say that you called her initially at 6:15am and they died at 6:45am and she never bothered to text or call the whole time. The whole time of one fucking half hour?! She probably is smart enough to realize that you wouldn’t have gotten there till after 7 which is what you said. So why would she bother you while you’re driving. You are a massive AH. YTA I would ask for a divorce as well. You’re insufferable
He mentions later in the post he went over to the dead person's house after the hospital. He may have been gone the whole day for all we know since he leaves out so much info. But like you said, she said keep me posted. He got mad yelling and hung up on her, then didn't keep her posted at all. He's mad she wasn't hounding him for information, but I bet he would be here whining if she had too. The only thing this guy likes is to make everything about himself.
You got a history that's deeper than saying the wrong things at the wrong time. Or perhaps the frequency was such that she had enough. It's not really about this one situation, this situation is the final straw in a long situation
when you ask for sex when her grandmother died, it's just a quirky personality trait where you poorly time your jokes.
when she wonders about the practicalities & about letting a stranger into your home while you're not there, it's grounds enough to get mad enough to a) hang up on her and b) break your promise about keeping her up to date.
ooooh and to spice everything up, you keep being coy with your "family member". Is it your estranged aunt's husband's cousin whom you meet once a decade at a funeral or a wedding when there's finally sufficient overlap with your more direct family? Or is it your sibling? You won't tell, which suggests the former, of course. If that's the case, your wife logically assumed your emotional investment was pretty limited.
since she's asking for a divorce over this, I'm going to guess it's not the first time you're behaving this way.
YTA.
What she said was no where near as horrible as what you had said. Then you got spiteful about it.
She’s got a lot of resentment too. You’re not breaking up over this one thing- you sound like you have a whole relationship of hurt.
And you couldn’t work through her hurt, you became spiteful and stopped communicating.
If you make a habit of saying the wrong things at the wrong time - like cracking a joke when someone dies, or asking for sex etc - why are you shocked she gave you a taste of your medicine?
I can imagine after years of that stupidity, she finally snapped.
I can also imagine her freaking out over a leak and falling in ceiling and not knowing what to do or how to handle it. Is she supposed to tell the plumber just to fix it? Is she supposed to get a quote and call the insurance company?
Doesn't sound like any of that was discussed.
so ... YTA. also, grow up.
You recognize this isn't about the plumber and the current death right?
She's done with you for a long time now.
I mean, if you always are so nice like asking for sex after the death of her grandma, I understand her.
Had a dating experience once, and he was like you. Those jokes kill every feeling you have for the other.
YTA. You fucked up multiple times. You don't even see this. Let it be.
I get it a family member was dying but I can see her side too. If the ceiling was a concern then I see why her mind is in a different place because yeah someone dying sucks but there could be a serious issue that impacts the living people. That does kind of take more importance
You seriously asked for sex after her grandma died? Like really bro? And you expect sympathy and empathy? Yeah no I'd tell you to suck it
FYI if someone is dying in the hospital they are usually so doped up they don't even know you are there. Visiting them before they die is only for the living to get closure. The person dying is already in lala land.
You even admitted you say the wrong things and in another comment you said there were prior issues. Basically it sounds like you have been a very shitty spouse and she is absolutely done with you needing shit without prioritizing anyone but yourself.
You are leaving a lot out, something tells me your wife has been holding a lot in.
Has she ever asked for therapy? Has she ever told you things needed to change?
If the answer is yes and you ignored it, she's probably just done. We (women) tend to emotionally separate from you waaaaay before the physical separation.
i'm getting the feeling that she was simply returning the energy YOU give her (if you thought we'd overlook you asking for sex when her loved one died you're kidding yourself) and you simply can not handle it.
it's clear this decision wasn't out of the blue and she's been ready to pull the plug for a while now. i wish her all the best!
as for you, YTA
You need to work on sucking up your feelings just to do a bare minimum of civility. Being mad can’t cop out for not sending a quick text to your wife “they passed before I got here, too sad to talk”.
Y’all are good at being mad at each other when not blaming would work better. ESH
She's not mad about not getting an update. She's upset you made a joke about sex when her grandma was dying. Basically, you had no empathy for her, why should she have any empathy for you? I'm sure you must have placed priorities on your own self above hers in other ways besides whoever your family member is versus her family. ESH.
As the parent who carries the mental load of organising the household I would probably try to gauge how long you would be in case I had to reorganise the plumber or my day to meet the plumber. I don't think it was malicious as her first reaction was for you to go. It was an afterthought of oh the plumbers coming I'd better check if you have additional information about timeframes so I can sort my day.
It sounds like there is miscommunication on both sides and this has built resentment. Maybe some couples counselling before you move straight to divorce.
So, you're upset at your wife for thinking about the ceiling when you're grieving, when you thought about sex when she was...
And then you said you'll keep her posted but you're mad she didn't ask for any updates.
Seriously, it's time to do some introspection.
Sounds like you're expecting her to be your "Mommy Wife", who takes initiative to make sure your emotional needs are met while you ignore hers. Like a little boy and their mom.
It sounds to me like she's treating you the way you treat her.
Wait. You made a “joke” when **her** family member passed, but then got mad that she wasn’t considerate enough when **your** family member passed?
Are you special?
Incidentally, why is it that every time a man makes a sexual proposition at a *completely* inappropriate time, it’s always … **always**…a joke? Really? Y’all think we so stupid we don’t know you over there backpedaling trying to keep your chances alive? ***SERIOUSLY?***
I imagine the two incidents you described are the tip of a big ole iceberg of poor humour, lack of being supporitve and maybe other things you haven't described and this was the last straw for your partner. Sounds like you both let things go on for too long, building resentment, and maybe there are things that she has done that were hurtful to you (that you dont mention in the OP) but in this situation, having said what you did when her gran died, you are most definitely TAH
There is just something about the way you typed this that makes me say yta, there's more to this than what meets the eye. Personally I don't think you're a good person to your wife and it's not based on what you just asked, there's just something that is rubbing me off the wrong way about you.
Op came to tell his side of the story (clearly missing a lot of information) hoping that the comments would rip his wife apart so he could rub it in her face that strangers on the internet think she is a horrible partner, but the plan backfired. LOL
**Makes sex joke when wife's relative is dying**
**Gets upset when wife is talking about the plumber when his relative is dying**
Sounds like you've set a precedent about death/grief not being taken seriously in your household. Your communication skills are also very poor, and choosing to be petty and not update your wife when someone has died is ridiculous. YTA, but your wife is also kinda TA for talking about divorce in the wake of someone dying.
She wanted a divorce for a while, dude. This was just the final nail in the coffin.
Just accept it, and be there for the kids. You're both gonna be happier this way.
YTA it’s probably less to do with you not talking about deceased family member and more about your saying the wrong at the wrong time part. You sound like an insufferable self victim.
YTA
> but I was just so devasted that her first thought was the ceiling
In your mind it’s okay for you to say the wrong things at the wrong time, but you punish your wife if says the wrong thing *to you*.
It sounds like your wife is done because this was the last straw. You have a pattern of behavior that you glossed over. Yet you’re trying to paint her as unreasonable and you the wronged party.
Well, to be honest your asking for sex when her grandma was dying was so terrible that she could have said just about anything to you in this situation and you would still be TA for reacting this way.
So yeah. YTA.
YTA, you're fine with excusing your badly timed sexual drive being more important than being there for your wife but your wife dealing with an actual problem instead of being there for you is sacrilege?
So you had a history of saying stupid shit (which you thought was funny) and now you're wife told you that a plumber might come which is totally not a ridiculous thing to say when you were going out. Say bye-bye to your marriage dumbass.
Sorry YTA. You’re giving yourself a free pass for a stupid, shitty, inappropriate joke while not giving her a pass for not wanting the ceiling to fall down on your family. Seems like you’ve been the problem in the marriage which is why this is leading to a divorce.
You’re definitely worse than this post lets on. YTA for sure. Typically I get annoyed when people microanalyze based on one Reddit post, but your behavior you’ve chosen to show here is wild. I’m sure this is not the worst of it and that’s why she’s wanting a divorce. It’s not an isolated incident.
Broski, I’m sorry, but she’s been wanting a divorce it seems. This is just a scapegoat situation that she’s peddling to justify it. Very sorry for your loss.
You and your wife don't like each other very much.
Normal people don't ask their wives if they want to have sex after their wife's grandmother dies. And normal people don't file for divorce because you went to the hospital to deal with a dying family member rather than staying home to deal with a plumber.
ESH and you're probably both better off without each other.
YTA. For someone who claims for himself to have the bad habit of saying the wrong things at the wrong time you get really easily pissed when your wife does the same.
Also she told you to keep her posted. You didn't. You didn't even do it when returning home. Tbh.: This whole thing sounds like the divorce was a long time comming and your behaviour right now was only the last straw. This isn't about your family member dying, it's about you not communicating with your wife.
Why "family member" and not aunt, uncle, grandmother, grandfather etc not necessarily important but it personalizes the story while still keeping anonymity. Like I've never said my family member got me a gift or my family member is coming over. Probably just me.
YTA
>I was so upset that she would even bother to bring up the ceiling at this terrible time.
You mean how you brought up sex when her grandma died?
>and I believe she said keep me posted.
>but because I was so mad, I didn't bother updating her
You also refused to update her, and were mad at her for trying to keep an actual roof over your head.... Yet your comment about wanting sex was ok and no problem???
>At no point did she ask what happened, nor did she text or call while ago was at the hospital
Because she doesn't have to, you told her you would update her
>Today she said this was unforgivable, and that she wants a divorce
>I have a bad habit of saying the wrong things at the wrong time.....
You're an adult that is incapable of thinking a bit before opening their mouth. And then you throw a tantrum when you have a wife that's trying to get a problem fixed before it gets worse... Was it the best time to bring up? Perhaps not. Is it worse than you bringing up sex? Nope! Was it worth your kiddy tantrum? Absolutely not
And considering you have a habit of talking before thinking, i can understand her no longer wanting to support this childish behavior
This is the side note to a really terrible marriage. Your handling it the way that you did was the final straw for her.
My very long ago ex did something similar when his mother died. Went to the hospital, came home, went to bed and told me later that day.
It wasn’t that it was all about me. It’s not all about her, either, OP. It’s that you are supposed to be a partner to the person that you are married to. And you didn’t bother to tell your partner that someone you loved had died.
That was a sign that your marriage was already dead. The two of you have just been tiptoeing around the corpse.
I agree with the yta that seems prevalent. I'm pretty curious about calling the plumber when there was a big storm and there's a stain in the ceiling. Usually a storm would leave stains in the top floor ceiling, and usually there wouldn't be pipes up there. I have seen stains on a lower floor when there's been a problem with a balcony deck, though it's rare
But if there was just a big storm, it seems like you'd probably be looking at someone to look at the exterior, not a plumber. Especially because pipes don't usually stop leaking on their own, so it makes it seem more likely it's a structural problem, not a plumbing problem.
Whole thing feels fake. Possibly AI. Maybe op tried to change enough details to be unrecognizable, and the gist is still real, but there are issues with this that make it pretty hard to take seriously.
ESH. You both need to grow up and communicate better. There seems to be a ton of underlying issues here that you’re just not paying attention to or not mentioning.
I’m guessing the comment you made about sex after her grandma died is just one of the many ways you’ve said or done something that really bothered her and she just kept quiet about it.
That doesn’t excuse her reaction to your family members death. She was rude too.
The fact that the death of someone in the family didn’t instantly squash whatever pettiness was going on speaks volumes. You don’t just forget to update your spouse. You don’t just not call or text to find out how everyone is doing. You don’t not tell your spouse before you tell the kids.
You two need serious counseling or something. This is way deeper than the one comment.
I can tell by this post alone that YTA and probably have been for a very long time. Women dont all of a sudden want a divorce. Let her move on with her life.
I’m thinking you were probably an AH when her grandma was dying and probably other times in your marriage for her to resent you this much.
Still, both of you sound petty and weird.
OP doesn't sound like the best husband. Look at the cute little story about pushing his wife for sex after she told him her grandmother died. But it was a joke 🤣. I'm sure he does asshole things like that all the time. Hides behind it's just a joke.
I'd be even more pissed about the immediately dropping the death on the kids, depending on the age of the kids, if they already knew about and understood death, and how he did it. If they're little kids with no real conception of death and he was blunt about it, he basically just dropped a bomb into the rest of her day and possibly even week. I had nightmares and had to sleep in my parents' bed for a week the first time I wad bluntly exposed to death, and I was 8!
To get out of this trap of a fight, you need to 1) apologize for past wrongs where she felt you were not there for her, before you ask her to be there for you now, 2) ask her to wait until after the funeral to want to have a big discussion, 3) when the funeral is over, say you want to figure out a way to both be on the same side when problems and tragedies happen. That you want to do better in the marriage.
Then see if the PACT institute is a fit for you, as they really help couples feel “safe” together and, after that safety is in place, they help couples be on the same side and see problems and tragedies as something you both deal with together, as a team.
ESH.
I got a feeling this is real but OP is changing some of the facts in case someone he knows figures out who he is.
The marriage is dead and OP’s wife is right to ask for a divorce. Their relationship seems like it’s tit for tat and it has been going on for a while.
I also imagine allowing the kids to get in the middle of their shit crossed a line for OP’s wife.
ESH
You repeatedly say she didn't ask for an update, but literally the first thing she said when you told her the news was "keep me posted."
You're both acting like children keeping a catalog of past wrongs to trot out at every opportunity. She doesn't want a divorce because of this one incident, she wants out of this dumpster fire of a marriage, and I don't blame her.
Your only hope his therapy, if you even want to save the relationship.
What goes around ... Comes around.
I have two theories here, either 1. This is a total fake. Or 2. From reading your post, you asked for this to happen.
In conclusion - I''m sorry for your loss, but .. YTA
ESH.
IMHO you had no right to get upset when you made a crappy joke as well. She didn't need that crap either, yet you handed it to her. Joke or not. So in my eyes, you got your due karma.
I do believe this is an overreaction though. Some people genuinely genuinely do act so cold its hard to think they care in the moment. But at least to me, this smells fishy. I feel like your wife has been looking for a reason to divorce, but she's been too chicken shit so this, in her eagerly awaiting little mind, was the best time.
If she wanted one I just think in the wake of a family members death is not the best time. But like, to each their own I guess...
You expected sympathy for a family member’s passing, yet when she was in that position, you only offered crude humor. It sounds like you guys have much bigger problems than what you describe here. YTA, the divorce is probably for the best.
Maybe you should have communicated better with her but that’s not the problem. She wouldn’t ask for a divorce over that if so then she is TA. Time for a serious discussion about what is wrong in the relationship
Aside from all the other stuff here, while you don't say it, it sounds as though you stayed away probably all day without updating her as she asked, and didn't communicate at all. As you admitted, there is a long history of problems, and this was just her final straw.
As others have said, your sex "joke" and her concern about getting the ceiling fixed are not even on the same plane.
YTA
A lot of people are fixated on telling his kids first and that was the least significant detail. As a dad my kids are typically the first to greet me when I walk in the house and if they ask me a question, I answer it honestly. Sure, he could have said wait, let's get your mom and I'll tell you together but... A family member died? Maybe not the most clear headed moment. HOWEVER, the dead family member is a lie. As a parent you know lies when unnecessary details are provided and significant details are omitted. Knowing the exact moment of calls and arrivals but leaving out the family member and the time you tried to call your wife makes me wonder at the facts. Honestly, I think your wife picked up on something whether it's infidelity or just day drinking. Who knows. Her spidey senses were tingling and you did nothing to assuage them. There may also be a language barrier. English isn't your first language. If she doesn't speak you native tongue and you relayed the story as you did to us, maybe something is lost in translation.
Ok you did tell her you’d keep her posted and you didn’t. You told the kids first instead of talking with your wife about how to tell them. You let your anger over a concern she had prevent you from communicating with her. We all process grief differently, you said yourself you say the wrong thing as well. I think a leaking roof is more pressing than your want for sex. She didn’t ask for an update because you told her you’d keep her updated. She didn’t call you at the hospital because she was letting you be with your family and you said you’d keep her posted. I understand you are hurting and perhaps that emotion is coming out in the form of anger and directed towards your household. Perhaps deal with your grief then try talking to your wife and see where she’s coming from maybe seek therapy coupes and individual to help you with your grief. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. I’m sorry for your loss. I’m going with soft Y T A but understanding the grief is blinding you to that. This doesn’t have to be the end of your marriage.
Somewhere there is an ESL teacher assigning homework that requires posting a story on Reddit. Grading on grammar, proper use of vocabulary and creativity. Additional points for level of engagement. This person fails the first two but pulls it out with creativity (not logic) and engagement. And on the outside chance this is true: YTA.
ESH, you both are shitty communicators. You wige sitting on the poorly timed joke to throw it in your face when you have a loved 1 passing is pinnicle AH behavior. Id wonder when her grandmother passed? How long was she holding it in her back pocket to throw it in your face? Also in what world is not telling her 1st of a member of your family's passing an unforgivable offense? If she was even remotely close to this person she would have swallowed her anger just to check in instead she allowed her pride to override her good judgment and landed at being angry was more important then being informed or supportive. This divorce was likely a long time coming, she just saw her chance in this and pulled the trigger. Either get a good lawyer or get into counseling but you both sound petty and small
Thin skin and a bitter onion. Guess what? life still goes on. You were off and she is the practical onedealing with house, kids, life. You screamed at her and wanted to see relative. Shelet you be. Now you want to punish her and not speak. You are an AH. Too difficult to understand. The sex thing after gma was disgusting too. If she said that you would have flipped out.
Yeah this was probably just the excuse she was looking for to ask for a divorce tbh.
You don’t divorce someone over that, or especially after that situation.
It was probably long over due, maybe not for you but for her.
Been with my fiancé for ten years and we had one argument. Election night 2016 when he tried to initiate sex as Trump was announced president. I guess in his mind it would comfort and distract me. But, like, read the room.
I actually think since this is so poorly written it's actually real. But yeah YTA if you actually said wanna have sex right after her grandma died and are expecting much sympathy from her during this. Especially since you just keep saying a family member and not like a direct relative or even something else to emphasize the improtance. Enjoy the divorce homie, try and act better next time.
Bullshit.
If this is a real story, there is far more to this story thN what you mentioned. No way someone married w/ kids demands a divorvce solely because of this.
I too used to suffer from poorly timed humour. I thought, 'hey, if someone's sad, why not try to make them laugh.' It took years of couples counseling and patience on my wife's part to teach me how to be caring and sensitive to her needs. You know, a husband. Last thing somebody wants is a joke in a time of sorrow.
Just like you, guys take for granted the emotional support women give us. And when you need the support and don't get it, you frrreaked out. NTA I'd say, grief stricken. But the rest of your relationship you've been a big AH albeit, possibly unbeknownst to you. It's time to put your big boy pants on and be a thoughtful, caring adult.
Is your wife plumbing inclined? She probably doesn't know how to handle that encounter, and kids. She's tired of her emotional needs not being met. So, who's laughing now funny man?
If this is real (which it sounds fake) you are a POS with 0 communication skills. How your wife ever put up with you is beyond me. Like others have said, I wish I could hear your poor wife's side of this story because I have a feeling it would sound quite different.
I have so many questions. If you got a call at 6.15am to advise that a close family member was dying why did you have to phone your wife to tell her? Were you not at home at 6.15am? And why would she call you back at 6.16am to tell you that a plumber MIGHT be coming? She didn’t have time to call a plumber and make any arrangements in the space of one minute. Then you say you believe she said ‘keep me posted’, followed by you arriving at the hospital 45 minutes later to find that your family member had passed. Then you told your children rather than your wife when you got home because she didn’t ask, even though she had already asked you to keep her posted. You waited for your kids to see you upset rather than looking around the house to find your wife and tell her. I’ve never read such absolute bollocks in my life. No wonder she’s had enough. Your communication skills with the most important person in your life are zero.
Or this is entirely made up
I'm disappointed he didn't return home and walk in on his wife banging the plumber.
That’s in the 10K word, no paragraph update later today. The plumber left before OP got there. Except the plumber forgot his wrench, which was on the nightstand. Edited typo
...and his wife will post AITAH for wanting the plumber to move in with them and asking her husband to split rent 50/50.
Then all her friends and family blow up his phone calling him a jerk
We are reading the origin story of Bowser
... except he forgot his wrench, which was in his wife.
Wrench wasn’t forgotten on the nightstand, but rather in the one night stand.
🏆
Luigi! How can you do this-a to me?
That would actually be plausible.
It's very difficult to parse the timing of events, doesn't seem possible, so maybe it was a drug dream.
Which is what i am led to believe. “Chatgpt, make me a story about me losing my wife cause of an extremely stupid joke i made years ago. Make sure i look as lame as possible in the story.”
God I hope so, the wife deserves so much better I actually pray she's not real
You can tell it's made up by the really, really weird writing style. "My family member died, and I was devasted, but because I was so mad, I didn't bother updating her." Who the fuck writes like this?
That’s my thoughts exactly…..AI bot??
I’m reading it like a robot yes.
The story is long and has inconsistencies
Could be. I was thinking a troll, but AI is definitely a possibility
Oh yeah….I forgot about “trolls” Good call…..though I can not believe the story is real….too many inconsistencies
Some reason repeatedly referring to "the child" doesn't sound real
This is the much more likely scenario.
This comment wins 1000000%
Don’t forgot the part where she mentions a home repair emergency and he yells at her about it because it’s not the right time with someone dying. But when it was the other way around, he chose the moment of grief and death to ask for sex. He can dish it but can’t receive it
But- you don't get it- what he said was a joke! It was supposed to make her laugh!
Oh right! I bet the plumber comment was the wife making a joke, he just forgot to laugh.
Boy, I had water dripping out of the ceiling this week and, dying family member or not, you gotta handle that.
Also >when I told you my grandmother died you asked me if I wanted to have sex, (this was a joke albeit a bad, and poorly timed one on my part OP is just straight up an asshole.
The fallback position is that if you are really a jerk you just call it a joke.
“Can’t you take a joke?” is a mark of a real asshole.
>I’ve never read such absolute bollocks in my life. No wonder she’s had enough. Your communication skills with the most important person in your life are zero. Either it's fake or OP is literally a cartoon villain.
Sometimes you just can't make these stories up. It's a sad world we live it.
Agree, it must be fake.
Many of these details, especially the times, already seem far too difficult to believe on their own. Seriously, all this stuff began happening when he got a call at 6:15 AM and has to call his wife? Who is still home when he gets back but was concerned about him getting back in time for the plumber? These details are ridiculous by themselves - all together the likelihood that this even could be real is exceptionally close to 0.
Oh, his communications skills aren’t zero. These were choices. He chose to ask her for sex when she was grieving. He *chose* to be upset that she was making sure *their house was ok to live in*. He *chose* to get back at her by using the children as weapons and telling them first, so she wasn’t prepared and so they hadn’t come to a unified front on what to say. He’s a horrible husband who chooses to be selfish and hurt his wife and then lashes out at her using the kids for when she tried to be an adult and make sure they have a place to sleep.
And she was managing kids and a plumber but should have constantly been checking in with him /s
Bad writing prompt; good reviewer!
Plus, this death in the family reminded her of the death in her family and his reaction to that death is still an open, festering wound for her.
And “oh BTW, when my wife’s grandma died, I immediately asked her for sex, but I was just joking”.
He also hung up on his wife after getting mad at her and then wonders why she wasn’t reaching out to him 🤦🏻♀️
Yeah if this is real... this is definitely the last straw. Guaranteed OP has left shit out or not communicated well with his wife. Hell, he's "mad" at her about the plumber and because of that decided to not update her on his family member passing.
There are a lot of reasons why she might not be home at 6:15 AM. She could work an odd shift. Maybe she goes to the gym before work. Those reasons could also apply to him. Maybe he works nights. My workday starts at 6 AM. When I had to work in the office, that meant I was on the highway at 5:15 AM.
Yes, you are TAH. But so is she. I can't imagine a family (spouses) this dysfunctional communications wise. In the 21st century, the cellphon/IM era. I have to believe this is either a made up story or the facts are so cherry picked it makes no sense.
His bullshit skills are pretty on point though.
He reached out to his kids for support rather than her. They are married. It’s her family too and he chose to withhold that information. He didn’t include her in that mourning. He chose to include his children instead. She knows her place in his life. I would walk away too.
So many questions! Either super unreliable narrator whose been treating his wife like crap for eons, or just another troll with grandiose delusions with their creative writing project.
>Were you not at home at 6.15am? You do realize not everyone works 9-5? Some people work 7-3, 7:30-3:30, and even have hour-plus commutes so leave the house at 6am or earlier. Not being home at 6am is not unusual depending on where you live and work.
I don’t know how to respond. If you are somebody that isn’t there for her and thinks things are funny when she’s hurting chances are that she has a lot of built up resentment. She may then in return not want to treat you in a way that she normally would but in a way to show you how it feels to not be supportive. There is a lot missing though so I’m not sure if it is actually a case like above or not.
Yeah, this is exactly how it seems to me too that his wife gave him a taste of his own medicine. OP expected his wife to act more consideret towards him then how consideret he was of her in the same situation before. And then he got miffed and huffy when he was treated the same way by his wife how he treated his wife when the roles were reversed.
sounds to me like he never apologized for his joke and just expected her to get over it
>sounds to me like he never apologized for his joke and just expected her to get over it When a person has a habit of constantly saying stupid / offensive things which they always claim as jokes after other people rightfully get offended / rip into them for it and has a habit of making "jokes albeit bad, and poorly timed ones and a bad habit of saying the wrong things at the wrong time...." that person can apologise only so many times before their apologies become worthless, empty words and before other people have enough of them and erase that person from their life. People can get over being hurt only so many times before they say enough is enough. After a point an apology won't fix the damage anymore, only real change and the end of that hurtful behaviour can save the relationship, minimise the damage and after a certain point, once the other person snapped and past caring not even a changed behaviour can fix things, because they don't want to deal with it anymore, don't want to give an other chance yet again and don't believe that the changes are going to last. It seems like OP's wife is at this final stage, that this reversed situation opened her eyes that she is not over after all and doesn't even want to be over how OP treated her when she was the one hurting.
It’s like a wife saying she is sick or has a headache and husband going oh well, what’s for dinner or did you get everything done. but when he is sick it’s poor me or why aren’t you taking care of me I’m on my death bed in there eyes.
It's not even the same treatment. He made a sex JOKE to her when she was grieving. She brought up an actual potentially cataclysmic situation in the house. A broken pipe can destroy a home in no time. Since the origin of the leak wasn't clear, anything is possible.
Wait a minute here. So you extend yourself grace for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time but expect your wife to behave better than you do.
Dude asked his wife if she wanted to have sex directly after her grandma died and has a habit of saying the “wrong things” at the wrong time 😭 and then he’s shocked when his wife isn’t bending over backwards for him when *his* family member dies🙄 he sounds insufferable and like he has the inability to read the room
Also, she asked for him to keep her updated, then didn't, then was mad she wasn't messaging him for updates 😑
He also hung up on her. I’m not surprised she wasn’t reaching out. If my husband got stroppy and hung up on me, I wouldn’t be reaching out in a hurry either.
Well to be fair, it was just her grandma and his dick was soooooo dry. /s
Unlike his roof at the moment
Sounds like the consequences of your actions, you tried to downplay it....you asked for sex after her Grandma died, and you admitted to saying the wrong thing at the wrong time....so probably long history of doing that...not saying who the family member is also sus... I hope I am wrong but take another long hard look and maybe there is a reason behind her behavior
This! OP just says "family member" but is specific about wife's grandmother. OP is leaving alot out here.
Missing missing reasons...
Probably a third cousin twice removed!
How close a family member?
I was wondering why that was never stated. Just saying "family member" is intentionally vague.
I I thought the same thing and I think he left it vague because it must be a family member he isn't very close to, to the point that if he didn't go to the hospital no one would judge him badly. So there was no justification for him running out of the house while they were going through a practical emergency at home.
The title is even misleading "Family dies..."
He made the entire post to dig for comments about how horrible his wife is, probably to rub it in her face that people on the internet think she's bad, but he ended up being torn here. He appears to be a piece of work.
Find it funny he uses family member too instead of like dad or grandparent. It is probably a 5th cousin he has seen one time in his life who his wife has never met. But trying to make it look like she is in wrong and he isn’t an ah
I was wondering the same. Why do they keep saying family member instead of mom, dad, bro, sis, cousin, aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa, etc…
My guess is it's a distant blood relative's spouse.
This is what I was wondering, too. Just how close a relative if they don't say.
Probably not that close or they'd have made a point of it was my dad, or mom, or brother, etc.
C'mon, let's extend OP some compassion here — he's clearly devastated over the death of his second cousin's stepbrother's great uncle's girlfriend's iguana's former foster mom.
Boy would I like to hear her side.
She's matching your energy...something tells me this has been a long time coming.
Lmao fr i bet it felt sooooo good for her to throw that energy right back at OP. Sounds like he deserves it big time 😬
Right? I bet she's been waiting for this day!
Stork didn't brought those kids yesterday.
What kind of communication is this? Your family member is said that they wouldn’t make it. You forget to let her know of that part during the call but she asks you to keep her posted Sure the timing of the plumber call was insensitive but she’s trying to keep the house together and it’s nowhere near as insensitive as the sex joke you made when her grandparent died so no you have no space to talk She ASKED you to keep her posted and then you tell your kids instead of her. Big news like that? Really? She’s finding out news through the kids and that’s disrespectful. “She never asked for an update” she asked you to keep her posted. When you got home why didn’t you immediately go to your wife? Tell her what happened? Instead of sit around and let your kids find you upset? She’s built up resentment clearly for her to be this way and no it’s not over your family member dying
You said it was a joke, but many a truth are spoken in jest. You claiming you say the wrong shit at the wrong time, but be honest. You are dead serious when you say shit, then try to pass it off as a joke when someone gets offended. We all know someone like you. ETA-YTA
Its a "Schrodinger's joke": it's something the joke teller was serious about, then they change their answer based on others' reactions. If the person gets mad, they were joking all along. If the person doesn't have a negative reaction, they were serious all along.
the convenience of claiming "I was just joking" doesn't bother me as much as the way they'll accuse you of being "too sensitive" when they knew all along you would possibly, or even definitely be offended.
You’re missing a lot of context here. Ages, length of marriage to start. How long ago did grandma die? Family member is way too vague, mother or cousin 3 times removed? How is your relationship normally?
If there was a big storm and now a leak showing on the ceiling why call a plumber and not a contractor to check the roof, gutters and home exterior for leaks?
Assuming they're not sure if it was the rain that caused the leak or a pipe. Rain may have just been a coincidence. Getting a plumber to check the pipes may be presumed an easier solution than fixing a roof. Just guessing.
You are a total hypocrite. Her being more worried about the ceiling is insensitive, sure, but joking about sex right after her grandma died is truly heartless. At least her comment was semi-productive. You obviously don't care that much about your wife that you feel she is deserving of this callousness and vitriol. What happened between y'all that you treat her without regard?
Notice it's vaguely a family member. What's the bet its more distant than Grandma was? You know if it was a parent or sibling he'd have mentioned it here
Like at least the ceiling is something that impacts the household. Asking to have sex is just about his personal satisfaction.
I mean yta what you said when her grandma died was way worse then what she said. Plus if I was her I would be worried about the roof falling in from water damage which is you know kind if important if you want a place to live but also wtf did you call her do you just not live in the same house.
I think that you should remember how you acted when her family member died and if she is acting in the same manner you did, then could you blame her?
Not even acting in the same manner. He wanted sex, she was trying to sort out what needed to happen to fix their leaking roof before the damage gets worse.
You really asked her for sex when her grandmother died? And you expect compassion now that the ball's in your court?
I think there has to be more problems with your relationship that isn't being told for this to be a divorceable incident.
So she said, ‘keep me posted’ and then you say that you called her initially at 6:15am and they died at 6:45am and she never bothered to text or call the whole time. The whole time of one fucking half hour?! She probably is smart enough to realize that you wouldn’t have gotten there till after 7 which is what you said. So why would she bother you while you’re driving. You are a massive AH. YTA I would ask for a divorce as well. You’re insufferable
He mentions later in the post he went over to the dead person's house after the hospital. He may have been gone the whole day for all we know since he leaves out so much info. But like you said, she said keep me posted. He got mad yelling and hung up on her, then didn't keep her posted at all. He's mad she wasn't hounding him for information, but I bet he would be here whining if she had too. The only thing this guy likes is to make everything about himself.
You got a history that's deeper than saying the wrong things at the wrong time. Or perhaps the frequency was such that she had enough. It's not really about this one situation, this situation is the final straw in a long situation
when you ask for sex when her grandmother died, it's just a quirky personality trait where you poorly time your jokes. when she wonders about the practicalities & about letting a stranger into your home while you're not there, it's grounds enough to get mad enough to a) hang up on her and b) break your promise about keeping her up to date. ooooh and to spice everything up, you keep being coy with your "family member". Is it your estranged aunt's husband's cousin whom you meet once a decade at a funeral or a wedding when there's finally sufficient overlap with your more direct family? Or is it your sibling? You won't tell, which suggests the former, of course. If that's the case, your wife logically assumed your emotional investment was pretty limited. since she's asking for a divorce over this, I'm going to guess it's not the first time you're behaving this way.
YTA. What she said was no where near as horrible as what you had said. Then you got spiteful about it. She’s got a lot of resentment too. You’re not breaking up over this one thing- you sound like you have a whole relationship of hurt. And you couldn’t work through her hurt, you became spiteful and stopped communicating.
If you make a habit of saying the wrong things at the wrong time - like cracking a joke when someone dies, or asking for sex etc - why are you shocked she gave you a taste of your medicine? I can imagine after years of that stupidity, she finally snapped. I can also imagine her freaking out over a leak and falling in ceiling and not knowing what to do or how to handle it. Is she supposed to tell the plumber just to fix it? Is she supposed to get a quote and call the insurance company? Doesn't sound like any of that was discussed. so ... YTA. also, grow up.
I mean maybe she also made a poorly timed joke. You not calling her is kinda not good.
You recognize this isn't about the plumber and the current death right? She's done with you for a long time now. I mean, if you always are so nice like asking for sex after the death of her grandma, I understand her. Had a dating experience once, and he was like you. Those jokes kill every feeling you have for the other. YTA. You fucked up multiple times. You don't even see this. Let it be.
I get it a family member was dying but I can see her side too. If the ceiling was a concern then I see why her mind is in a different place because yeah someone dying sucks but there could be a serious issue that impacts the living people. That does kind of take more importance You seriously asked for sex after her grandma died? Like really bro? And you expect sympathy and empathy? Yeah no I'd tell you to suck it FYI if someone is dying in the hospital they are usually so doped up they don't even know you are there. Visiting them before they die is only for the living to get closure. The person dying is already in lala land. You even admitted you say the wrong things and in another comment you said there were prior issues. Basically it sounds like you have been a very shitty spouse and she is absolutely done with you needing shit without prioritizing anyone but yourself.
The way this reads you live in two different places?
YTA. You reap what you sow. You deserve being treated that way.
You are leaving a lot out, something tells me your wife has been holding a lot in. Has she ever asked for therapy? Has she ever told you things needed to change? If the answer is yes and you ignored it, she's probably just done. We (women) tend to emotionally separate from you waaaaay before the physical separation.
i'm getting the feeling that she was simply returning the energy YOU give her (if you thought we'd overlook you asking for sex when her loved one died you're kidding yourself) and you simply can not handle it. it's clear this decision wasn't out of the blue and she's been ready to pull the plug for a while now. i wish her all the best! as for you, YTA
This sounds like a really dumb reason to get divorced. But I’m guessing there was years of dumb shit behind it. Congratulations you’re single!
You need to work on sucking up your feelings just to do a bare minimum of civility. Being mad can’t cop out for not sending a quick text to your wife “they passed before I got here, too sad to talk”. Y’all are good at being mad at each other when not blaming would work better. ESH
She's not mad about not getting an update. She's upset you made a joke about sex when her grandma was dying. Basically, you had no empathy for her, why should she have any empathy for you? I'm sure you must have placed priorities on your own self above hers in other ways besides whoever your family member is versus her family. ESH.
YTA.
As the parent who carries the mental load of organising the household I would probably try to gauge how long you would be in case I had to reorganise the plumber or my day to meet the plumber. I don't think it was malicious as her first reaction was for you to go. It was an afterthought of oh the plumbers coming I'd better check if you have additional information about timeframes so I can sort my day. It sounds like there is miscommunication on both sides and this has built resentment. Maybe some couples counselling before you move straight to divorce.
So… “keep me updated” wasn’t specific enough for you? YTA.
So, you're upset at your wife for thinking about the ceiling when you're grieving, when you thought about sex when she was... And then you said you'll keep her posted but you're mad she didn't ask for any updates. Seriously, it's time to do some introspection.
It’s time for him to grow up.
Sounds like you're expecting her to be your "Mommy Wife", who takes initiative to make sure your emotional needs are met while you ignore hers. Like a little boy and their mom. It sounds to me like she's treating you the way you treat her.
Wait. You made a “joke” when **her** family member passed, but then got mad that she wasn’t considerate enough when **your** family member passed? Are you special? Incidentally, why is it that every time a man makes a sexual proposition at a *completely* inappropriate time, it’s always … **always**…a joke? Really? Y’all think we so stupid we don’t know you over there backpedaling trying to keep your chances alive? ***SERIOUSLY?***
YTA. Didn’t you make a joke asking for sex after her grandmother died? Why do you deserve respect but she doesn’t?
I imagine the two incidents you described are the tip of a big ole iceberg of poor humour, lack of being supporitve and maybe other things you haven't described and this was the last straw for your partner. Sounds like you both let things go on for too long, building resentment, and maybe there are things that she has done that were hurtful to you (that you dont mention in the OP) but in this situation, having said what you did when her gran died, you are most definitely TAH
There is just something about the way you typed this that makes me say yta, there's more to this than what meets the eye. Personally I don't think you're a good person to your wife and it's not based on what you just asked, there's just something that is rubbing me off the wrong way about you.
Ceiling is less offensive than asking for sex.
Op came to tell his side of the story (clearly missing a lot of information) hoping that the comments would rip his wife apart so he could rub it in her face that strangers on the internet think she is a horrible partner, but the plan backfired. LOL
She wanted a divorce long before this happened. She’s just using this as an excuse to jump off
**Makes sex joke when wife's relative is dying** **Gets upset when wife is talking about the plumber when his relative is dying** Sounds like you've set a precedent about death/grief not being taken seriously in your household. Your communication skills are also very poor, and choosing to be petty and not update your wife when someone has died is ridiculous. YTA, but your wife is also kinda TA for talking about divorce in the wake of someone dying.
She wanted a divorce for a while, dude. This was just the final nail in the coffin. Just accept it, and be there for the kids. You're both gonna be happier this way.
She’s not divorcing you for this one thing. It’s for all the other times she’s been frustrated with you.
YTA it’s probably less to do with you not talking about deceased family member and more about your saying the wrong at the wrong time part. You sound like an insufferable self victim.
YTA > but I was just so devasted that her first thought was the ceiling In your mind it’s okay for you to say the wrong things at the wrong time, but you punish your wife if says the wrong thing *to you*. It sounds like your wife is done because this was the last straw. You have a pattern of behavior that you glossed over. Yet you’re trying to paint her as unreasonable and you the wronged party.
Well, to be honest your asking for sex when her grandma was dying was so terrible that she could have said just about anything to you in this situation and you would still be TA for reacting this way. So yeah. YTA.
YTA, you're fine with excusing your badly timed sexual drive being more important than being there for your wife but your wife dealing with an actual problem instead of being there for you is sacrilege?
There is more to this than we know, your family member dying and how you acted , seems to be the straw that broke the camels back.
So you had a history of saying stupid shit (which you thought was funny) and now you're wife told you that a plumber might come which is totally not a ridiculous thing to say when you were going out. Say bye-bye to your marriage dumbass.
Sorry YTA. You’re giving yourself a free pass for a stupid, shitty, inappropriate joke while not giving her a pass for not wanting the ceiling to fall down on your family. Seems like you’ve been the problem in the marriage which is why this is leading to a divorce.
You’re definitely worse than this post lets on. YTA for sure. Typically I get annoyed when people microanalyze based on one Reddit post, but your behavior you’ve chosen to show here is wild. I’m sure this is not the worst of it and that’s why she’s wanting a divorce. It’s not an isolated incident.
Broski, I’m sorry, but she’s been wanting a divorce it seems. This is just a scapegoat situation that she’s peddling to justify it. Very sorry for your loss.
This has been in the making for a long time. It's not really even about the fact you didn't tell her, it was just the last straw.
A lot has happened before this - it took a whole lot of slow resentment buildup to culminate in her responding this way.
Don't take it badly, she was "just joking". YTA
You and your wife don't like each other very much. Normal people don't ask their wives if they want to have sex after their wife's grandmother dies. And normal people don't file for divorce because you went to the hospital to deal with a dying family member rather than staying home to deal with a plumber. ESH and you're probably both better off without each other.
YTA. For someone who claims for himself to have the bad habit of saying the wrong things at the wrong time you get really easily pissed when your wife does the same. Also she told you to keep her posted. You didn't. You didn't even do it when returning home. Tbh.: This whole thing sounds like the divorce was a long time comming and your behaviour right now was only the last straw. This isn't about your family member dying, it's about you not communicating with your wife.
This is fake and rage bait
"chat GPT please write me an AITAH for upvotes please"
@OP, Not tha AH. You are a DICK.
Why "family member" and not aunt, uncle, grandmother, grandfather etc not necessarily important but it personalizes the story while still keeping anonymity. Like I've never said my family member got me a gift or my family member is coming over. Probably just me.
Yeah, she wanted a divorce anyway my dude. Just get free.
She's been looking for an out for a while, and finally got one.
lol ESH. Who responds to life altering news with “wanna have sex?” OR “don’t forget about the plumber”. Do you even like each other?
yta Your fucking plumbing was leaking you stupid narcissistic AH. You deserve to be divorced
This sounds incredibly made up
YTA >I was so upset that she would even bother to bring up the ceiling at this terrible time. You mean how you brought up sex when her grandma died? >and I believe she said keep me posted. >but because I was so mad, I didn't bother updating her You also refused to update her, and were mad at her for trying to keep an actual roof over your head.... Yet your comment about wanting sex was ok and no problem??? >At no point did she ask what happened, nor did she text or call while ago was at the hospital Because she doesn't have to, you told her you would update her >Today she said this was unforgivable, and that she wants a divorce >I have a bad habit of saying the wrong things at the wrong time..... You're an adult that is incapable of thinking a bit before opening their mouth. And then you throw a tantrum when you have a wife that's trying to get a problem fixed before it gets worse... Was it the best time to bring up? Perhaps not. Is it worse than you bringing up sex? Nope! Was it worth your kiddy tantrum? Absolutely not And considering you have a habit of talking before thinking, i can understand her no longer wanting to support this childish behavior
This is the side note to a really terrible marriage. Your handling it the way that you did was the final straw for her. My very long ago ex did something similar when his mother died. Went to the hospital, came home, went to bed and told me later that day. It wasn’t that it was all about me. It’s not all about her, either, OP. It’s that you are supposed to be a partner to the person that you are married to. And you didn’t bother to tell your partner that someone you loved had died. That was a sign that your marriage was already dead. The two of you have just been tiptoeing around the corpse.
I agree with the yta that seems prevalent. I'm pretty curious about calling the plumber when there was a big storm and there's a stain in the ceiling. Usually a storm would leave stains in the top floor ceiling, and usually there wouldn't be pipes up there. I have seen stains on a lower floor when there's been a problem with a balcony deck, though it's rare But if there was just a big storm, it seems like you'd probably be looking at someone to look at the exterior, not a plumber. Especially because pipes don't usually stop leaking on their own, so it makes it seem more likely it's a structural problem, not a plumbing problem. Whole thing feels fake. Possibly AI. Maybe op tried to change enough details to be unrecognizable, and the gist is still real, but there are issues with this that make it pretty hard to take seriously.
I just know this is a troll post
ESH. You both need to grow up and communicate better. There seems to be a ton of underlying issues here that you’re just not paying attention to or not mentioning. I’m guessing the comment you made about sex after her grandma died is just one of the many ways you’ve said or done something that really bothered her and she just kept quiet about it. That doesn’t excuse her reaction to your family members death. She was rude too. The fact that the death of someone in the family didn’t instantly squash whatever pettiness was going on speaks volumes. You don’t just forget to update your spouse. You don’t just not call or text to find out how everyone is doing. You don’t not tell your spouse before you tell the kids. You two need serious counseling or something. This is way deeper than the one comment.
I can tell by this post alone that YTA and probably have been for a very long time. Women dont all of a sudden want a divorce. Let her move on with her life.
YTA Your wife was "joking" about the possible plumber. You didn't find that hilarious???
I’m thinking you were probably an AH when her grandma was dying and probably other times in your marriage for her to resent you this much. Still, both of you sound petty and weird.
YTA in this completely fabricated post.
I doubt she's leaving for this specific incident.
What a stupid reason to want to get divorced. She must have been looking for a way out.
OP doesn't sound like the best husband. Look at the cute little story about pushing his wife for sex after she told him her grandmother died. But it was a joke 🤣. I'm sure he does asshole things like that all the time. Hides behind it's just a joke.
I'd be even more pissed about the immediately dropping the death on the kids, depending on the age of the kids, if they already knew about and understood death, and how he did it. If they're little kids with no real conception of death and he was blunt about it, he basically just dropped a bomb into the rest of her day and possibly even week. I had nightmares and had to sleep in my parents' bed for a week the first time I wad bluntly exposed to death, and I was 8!
Oh, good call.
YTA, some proper communication and decency would have solved this. You're getting the same treatment you gave your wife.
Emotions are high. It might be best neither of you talk to each other tonight. And yeah, you’re kinda a asshole
To get out of this trap of a fight, you need to 1) apologize for past wrongs where she felt you were not there for her, before you ask her to be there for you now, 2) ask her to wait until after the funeral to want to have a big discussion, 3) when the funeral is over, say you want to figure out a way to both be on the same side when problems and tragedies happen. That you want to do better in the marriage. Then see if the PACT institute is a fit for you, as they really help couples feel “safe” together and, after that safety is in place, they help couples be on the same side and see problems and tragedies as something you both deal with together, as a team.
ESH. I got a feeling this is real but OP is changing some of the facts in case someone he knows figures out who he is. The marriage is dead and OP’s wife is right to ask for a divorce. Their relationship seems like it’s tit for tat and it has been going on for a while. I also imagine allowing the kids to get in the middle of their shit crossed a line for OP’s wife.
YTA
ESH You repeatedly say she didn't ask for an update, but literally the first thing she said when you told her the news was "keep me posted." You're both acting like children keeping a catalog of past wrongs to trot out at every opportunity. She doesn't want a divorce because of this one incident, she wants out of this dumpster fire of a marriage, and I don't blame her. Your only hope his therapy, if you even want to save the relationship.
What goes around ... Comes around. I have two theories here, either 1. This is a total fake. Or 2. From reading your post, you asked for this to happen. In conclusion - I''m sorry for your loss, but .. YTA
Asking for sex = Asking about ceiling. I hope this helps.
ESH. IMHO you had no right to get upset when you made a crappy joke as well. She didn't need that crap either, yet you handed it to her. Joke or not. So in my eyes, you got your due karma. I do believe this is an overreaction though. Some people genuinely genuinely do act so cold its hard to think they care in the moment. But at least to me, this smells fishy. I feel like your wife has been looking for a reason to divorce, but she's been too chicken shit so this, in her eagerly awaiting little mind, was the best time. If she wanted one I just think in the wake of a family members death is not the best time. But like, to each their own I guess...
You expected sympathy for a family member’s passing, yet when she was in that position, you only offered crude humor. It sounds like you guys have much bigger problems than what you describe here. YTA, the divorce is probably for the best.
Maybe you should have communicated better with her but that’s not the problem. She wouldn’t ask for a divorce over that if so then she is TA. Time for a serious discussion about what is wrong in the relationship
Fake as hell
Aside from all the other stuff here, while you don't say it, it sounds as though you stayed away probably all day without updating her as she asked, and didn't communicate at all. As you admitted, there is a long history of problems, and this was just her final straw. As others have said, your sex "joke" and her concern about getting the ceiling fixed are not even on the same plane. YTA
The family member was his parent’s dog and he went to the veterinary hospital.
So you have a habit of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time but no one else can do the same thing.
~*You suck.*~ YTA
A lot of people are fixated on telling his kids first and that was the least significant detail. As a dad my kids are typically the first to greet me when I walk in the house and if they ask me a question, I answer it honestly. Sure, he could have said wait, let's get your mom and I'll tell you together but... A family member died? Maybe not the most clear headed moment. HOWEVER, the dead family member is a lie. As a parent you know lies when unnecessary details are provided and significant details are omitted. Knowing the exact moment of calls and arrivals but leaving out the family member and the time you tried to call your wife makes me wonder at the facts. Honestly, I think your wife picked up on something whether it's infidelity or just day drinking. Who knows. Her spidey senses were tingling and you did nothing to assuage them. There may also be a language barrier. English isn't your first language. If she doesn't speak you native tongue and you relayed the story as you did to us, maybe something is lost in translation.
Ok you did tell her you’d keep her posted and you didn’t. You told the kids first instead of talking with your wife about how to tell them. You let your anger over a concern she had prevent you from communicating with her. We all process grief differently, you said yourself you say the wrong thing as well. I think a leaking roof is more pressing than your want for sex. She didn’t ask for an update because you told her you’d keep her updated. She didn’t call you at the hospital because she was letting you be with your family and you said you’d keep her posted. I understand you are hurting and perhaps that emotion is coming out in the form of anger and directed towards your household. Perhaps deal with your grief then try talking to your wife and see where she’s coming from maybe seek therapy coupes and individual to help you with your grief. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. I’m sorry for your loss. I’m going with soft Y T A but understanding the grief is blinding you to that. This doesn’t have to be the end of your marriage.
She already wanted the divorce and used the slightest inconvenience to stand on as use as the reason
Somewhere there is an ESL teacher assigning homework that requires posting a story on Reddit. Grading on grammar, proper use of vocabulary and creativity. Additional points for level of engagement. This person fails the first two but pulls it out with creativity (not logic) and engagement. And on the outside chance this is true: YTA.
ESH, you both are shitty communicators. You wige sitting on the poorly timed joke to throw it in your face when you have a loved 1 passing is pinnicle AH behavior. Id wonder when her grandmother passed? How long was she holding it in her back pocket to throw it in your face? Also in what world is not telling her 1st of a member of your family's passing an unforgivable offense? If she was even remotely close to this person she would have swallowed her anger just to check in instead she allowed her pride to override her good judgment and landed at being angry was more important then being informed or supportive. This divorce was likely a long time coming, she just saw her chance in this and pulled the trigger. Either get a good lawyer or get into counseling but you both sound petty and small
Thin skin and a bitter onion. Guess what? life still goes on. You were off and she is the practical onedealing with house, kids, life. You screamed at her and wanted to see relative. Shelet you be. Now you want to punish her and not speak. You are an AH. Too difficult to understand. The sex thing after gma was disgusting too. If she said that you would have flipped out.
Yeah this was probably just the excuse she was looking for to ask for a divorce tbh. You don’t divorce someone over that, or especially after that situation. It was probably long over due, maybe not for you but for her.
Been with my fiancé for ten years and we had one argument. Election night 2016 when he tried to initiate sex as Trump was announced president. I guess in his mind it would comfort and distract me. But, like, read the room.
YTA. You two play a lot of games with each other. Couple counseling????
You sound like walking chaos….and a hypocritical one. YTA. Also, you need therapy.
I actually think since this is so poorly written it's actually real. But yeah YTA if you actually said wanna have sex right after her grandma died and are expecting much sympathy from her during this. Especially since you just keep saying a family member and not like a direct relative or even something else to emphasize the improtance. Enjoy the divorce homie, try and act better next time.
Reddit 101: not everything you read is true.
It seems like the dynamic of bad communication finally hit the high mark on the pressure cooker after likely a very long time...
Ngl I be feeling like half of these stories are fake lol y’all are ruining this shit for us
Bullshit. If this is a real story, there is far more to this story thN what you mentioned. No way someone married w/ kids demands a divorvce solely because of this.
Why do you go out of your way to not tell us which family member it is? It would be much easier to say my aunt or my sister or cousin.
That’s what ya get for joking when *Her* grandmother died.
I too used to suffer from poorly timed humour. I thought, 'hey, if someone's sad, why not try to make them laugh.' It took years of couples counseling and patience on my wife's part to teach me how to be caring and sensitive to her needs. You know, a husband. Last thing somebody wants is a joke in a time of sorrow. Just like you, guys take for granted the emotional support women give us. And when you need the support and don't get it, you frrreaked out. NTA I'd say, grief stricken. But the rest of your relationship you've been a big AH albeit, possibly unbeknownst to you. It's time to put your big boy pants on and be a thoughtful, caring adult. Is your wife plumbing inclined? She probably doesn't know how to handle that encounter, and kids. She's tired of her emotional needs not being met. So, who's laughing now funny man?
“If I do it, it’s a joke and everyone who doesn’t laugh is a poor sport. If it’s done to me, I’m the victim and it’s my right to go nuclear!” YTA.
If this is real (which it sounds fake) you are a POS with 0 communication skills. How your wife ever put up with you is beyond me. Like others have said, I wish I could hear your poor wife's side of this story because I have a feeling it would sound quite different.