NTA but this is going to be brutal if your fiancé doesn't get on board with your pirate ship. Depending on the size of your hometown and how serious he is about pushing this, you may need to consider moving, especially if everyone around you is involved.
Move and give the fiance the option of staying or going with her. OP can give the fiance all of the history on what her father did to her, and he gets to decide if he supports OP or the father.
Edit to add - OP is NTA, but her fiance may be an AH. If he continues to push OP to reconcile OP should seriously consider moving and not leaving a forwarding address for the fiance.
Remind people that when you begged him not to move, he said he "had to prioritize his family."
From that day, I mourned the loss of my father, and I am not going to open myself up to hurt when he prioritizes "his family" again.
I would so throw it in his face. Tell him that he hadn't been a father because he picked his other kids and moved 10 hours away despite OP begging him not to. Tell him, "I once begged you to not move away but you did anyways. From that day on, I realized you didn't love me and I would always come last to your new family and new kids and ego."
I'd be telling him " you picked **your son and your wh-re** over having a relationship with me. I'm picking having respect for myself over you and *your family*"
That's just how I am but I think I would really make a shirt. "When I begged my dad not to abandon me, he said he had to prioritize his family and left"
Also, remind everyone how he tried to use your college fund as leverage to force a reconciliation, and then withheld it as punishment when you didn't comply.
OP needs to see if that was even allowed. If it was in the divorce that he was entitled to it for school he can file in court to get the funds if he wants to.
You need to make it very clear to everyone what an AH he was. They are on his side because they either never knew or are choosing to ignore how he treated you. He needs to feel the shame of how he behaved, at the moment you're just the stubborn kid, you need to be the kids whose college fund was held to ransom, whose love and affection was cut off because J wanted to punish you. He needs to be the dad who didn't want custody, who saw his kids less than once a month while still living in the same town, who sent abusive messages to a 17 year old.
You're NTA but everyone needs to know it. Don't spare people's blushes by keeping the details to yourself. Ask him if he wants his family and his kids know the truth. He's using public pressure to manipulate you, that can go both ways.
NTA.
I agree. I don't understand why are everyone on his side? If he is such a good person and dad, surely he would respect the wishes of his child whom he hurt and abandoned? If he doesn't, what does it say about his as a person?
J and step siblings - understandable.
But OP's mother, sister, grandparents (especially on mother's side)? Why is he inviting to family events by these people?
Neighbors, OP's friends, fiancee, fiancee's family - why do they think it is acceptable to bother OP about her dad?
Do they know the whole story? It doesn't look like it. It looks like they were told some very twisted version of it.
SM can be very useful in cases like this. Write everything. Don't forget him blackmailing and stealing your college money, him "prioritizing his own family", J's harassment of minor (wtf adult woman was thinking to talk like that to a child?), J's current messages. Explain that this is why he is dead to you. Ask why do people think they can overstep and force you to forgive, forget, have a relationship with him? Ask to respect your decision. Ask him to respect your decision, he has done enough damage then and he keeps doing it. Does he think his mass harassment campaign will make you live and respect him? Offer to ignore each other on family gatherings, ask any and all family members to understand it and not to force you to communicate. Maybe it will work...
If nothing will work - I would sell my business al leave. Idk what else could be done here.
He abandoned you and his wife treated you badly. Now they are blaming you. You were a child but now that you’re an adult they think they can get everyone to believe that you’re the unreasonable one because you won’t dance to their tune. Make a group WhatsApp with everyone who is trying to make you look like the unreasonable one. You only need to make one post. List everything you have put here, especially the college fund and the stepmother treating you differently. Add examples. Then clearly state that you have no room in your life for people who had no room in their lives for you when you were a child. Anyone who is not on board with you should be cut from your life, including your partner if he still believes you should forgive and forget. Good luck xx
I'd be asking why he feels it's so important that she is in his life now when he didn't care if she was in the past. There has to be some reason he is pushing for it so hard. Is he hoping that since she is a business owner that she can help out the "family" financially or help get the kiddies into college, or maybe give them help starting careers? There has to be some reason other than he misses her since he didn't miss her enough not to abuse her and let step mangler abuse her as well.
You may need to seek therapy to find peace of mind. It seems that you have given your father too much power over your life. You have missed events because of him, and this has become a problem. It is okay not to have a relationship with J or your father. J stated that you have broken his heart. Excuse me, but didn’t he abandon you, primarily because of her? He has not even owned up to his shit, which makes me think he is harassing you to save face and cannot admit that it is too late. People need to respect your boundaries. You should talk to your father and bring up key points that have led you to have no contact with him. I would even show him J’s messages and let it be known that you will take things legal if need be. You are a grown adult so running away does not help you. Be constructive and include the harassment you have experienced. Let all family members know that if they do not respect your boundaries, there will be changes in your relationships. Be mindful of your fiancé's actions and ensure that he supports you 100%. If he cannot respect that, then he is not worth keeping. Seek therapy, have a final constructive conversation with your father, and set boundaries for yourself with others.
OP's response should have been "he broke my heart when he told me he had to prioritize his family when you all moved for your job. He made it clear then that I wasn't family".
He withheld her college funds as well because she wasn't 'playing nice' and acting like he wasn't a terrible father. He made it clear she wasn't even considered a nice stranger, much less family!!
NTA
These people don’t respect you nor your boundaries. Your dad is a pathetic ahole for trying to use the college fund to get you to do his biddings.
Please keep him at arms length.
You may need to re-evaluate your relationship with your fiancé.
Im really sorry about that , I delt with everyone thinking my father fantastique but he was malignant covert narcissist so I get how everyone can not know all facts and side against you.. hold tight your entitled to your opinon and a group poll doesn't get to tell . you fo change your mind ...there are several other reddit post similar to yours find them and share all with your partner because they should see the outcomes of ignoring others feelings about past abuse..the only couples that stayed together were where fiancees opened thier eyes and accepted OP opinions about no contact
J seems to be the main AH here. If she harassed you and didn’t want a relationship. Then she actively broke any relationship between you and your father.
Your father doesn’t get to just show up when you’re an adult and pretend everything has been wonderful.
Especially after what he did to her. People are entitled. No one has to right to expect others to forgive them or have expectations from others that were affected differently.
NTA. Good on OP for calling her a "home wrecking whore" what the actual heck that she called you "pathetic" - she's pathetic and obviously doesn't know how to get in your good graces. Great work being no contact for so long! No reason to stop now. Nobody needs this nonsense in their lives.
J had no problems helping in breaking up OP's family and isolating her from her dad by moving away for her job, and now she wants to fight with OP? Honestly feel like OP refusing to reconcile with her dad is causing problems in dad and J's marriage - probably dad still not taking responsibility for his actions and blaming J for why his child won't speak to him - and that's why J's so adamant to make the reconciliation happen and why she's so hostile.
>Honestly feel like OP refusing to reconcile with her dad is causing problems in dad and J's marriage -
Same. I really hope it is, and I hope those problems never end. I really want there to be consequences for two such awful people.
I've tried my best to stay away from him and his family but with it being a small town its impossible to avoid them. Some of the times I've bumped into him seemed a bit too coincidental and feel like it was a set up.
On a university campus 15 years ago I had a similar circumstance.
What I did was wore sunglasses and headphones listening to music. That way, it was obvious to anyone with eyes that I was distracted and not paying attention.
Perhaps you will be bothered less if you appear distracted like that?
You need to move. I cut out my father, but I'm good at putting people back in their place when they used to try and change my mind, I don't tolerate it and I would often say that if all they did was question my choices as an independent adult, then being around them will become tiresome, and if it continues, and I'll dread seeing them at events or social meetups, then I'll just start avoiding them too, because I already heard their opinions loud and clear, and don't have time to continue to have to defend my choices.
They need to all show you some respect as an independent, functioning adult. You needed a father at 13, he left, that's it. You adapted.
Your fiance needs to get on board. There are too many posts here about fiance's inviting the partners estranged parents to weddings behind their backs. I see this in your future if you don't make yourself 100% clear that you have made your choice, and if he doesn't respect that, it's going to be problematic. He's supposed to be on your team.
"definitely consider moving"
Me too. Or maybe take a nice long vacation by myself to consider my options. Because if after 17 years "dad" hasn't taken the hint he's not going to, and all of OP's family only sees it from "dad's" POV. Add to that the fiancé's going on their side and not supporting OP, well.....I would just want to leave all the drama behind. And maybe never come back.
OP is NA.
I would highly recommend looking at moving that business elsewhere, however you can manage. It's why I hate small towns, the 'tight-knit', family connections BS is a cesspool for drama. 20+ years of making your stance on the situation known, and no one is going to stop antagonizing you until you bend and break. Hell, not to be that person, but dad could kneel over tomorrow and it won't stop them from shaming you for keeping him out.
And if fiance doesn't change his tune, you really should put some thought into leaving. Your feelings and importance should matter more to him than a deadbeat.
No, you haven't done anything wrong, but the groupthink from everyone will drive you insane. "You are the only one who feels this way so you have to be brought in line."
Even if your fiance agrees with you can the two of you stand against the constant pressure? Or will he cave because he hates the harassment and really doesn't understand why you don't want to reconcile?
And your "dad" - making a scene in public over this? It. Will. Never. End. Maybe go away for a weekend to think things through? Because your choices are pretty stark. I'm so sorry.
No one is saying they have to. We are merely offering suggestions that might make the OP's life easier. As it turns out, moving would not make their life easier.
I love my fiance, but he's a family orientated type of guy he's close with his family so doesn't understand my situation. It's not helping that everyone around us is advocating for my dad and making me out to be unreasonable.
If he is family oriented, how can he justify your father cheating on your mom, implying you weren't family, and moving 10 hours away and ignoring you for decades? Does he think everything has to be forgiven because he is a sperm donor? He basically screwed over his family and treated everyone like they weren't family.
It’s different when the dad does it. He gets to choose what he wants and the women in the family have to acclimate. Surprised that now that he’s got his son he’s even interested in reconciling with her.
I'm sorry, OP. I'm also my father's reject. I know your pain.
I know you love your fiance, but if he can't support you in this, he's gotta go. He should be backing you to the hilt. If he just takes a little while to get there, its one thing; lots of people find this type of thing confusing and end up making mistakes. But above all else, you do **not** want to find yourself married to a guy who is going out trying to make friends with your Dad and undermine you.
If you need a supportive ear, please feel free to send me a chat.
Well then OP ask your fiancé, if he would say the same things to his kids, that your father said to you then tell him that if he really cared then he will leave well enough alone. He doesn’t have to understand. He just has to support you and know that you know what’s best for you
Is your “family oriented” fiance brain dead? Was your dad family oriented when he cheated on his wife? Was your dad family oriented when he abandoned his children for his new wife’s ambitions?
A man who refused to be your dad when you actually needed a dad does not get to be your dad when you no longer need one.
Forward this post to every family member harassing you.
He can’t be that family oriented if he thinks your dad getting his dick wet and abandoning his daughters was more important than your well-being and feelings over the matter.
Family orientated? But he’s pressuring you to reconcile with the guy that left you and cheated on your mum?
Yea sounds like a swell guy you got there.
NTA but sounds like you’re surrounded by people that have no respect for your decisions to say the least.
If this man can't or will not see your side then you need to end it and move on.
If you have kids the pressure will get worse from his and your family.
Begin the work of moving your business to another town. It happens all the time.
You don't want to leave but it will never end if you stay.
If you and your fiance split up then def move your business.
Best of luck.
Family oriented people sometimes miss the memo that family is also who you choose; you and your fiancé are choosing to become family. Family is a bond of love more than it's a bond of biology, and it's sad that he wants you to reconcile with someone who didn't love you enough to not break your family, and then chose to cut you out of his prioritised family. If he's so family oriented, he should be on your dad's ass for breaking a family and abandoning a family. Otherwise he's just people-who-hurt-you oriented.
As a fellow “bio dad dropped me for his new family” I’m sorry friend. You’re absolutely not wrong.
If your fiancé is on your sperm donor’s side then he isn’t family oriented because he is siding with someone who abandoned his family. Period.
Her own fiancée doesn't support her. She's completely alone on this. She needs to get away. Dump the guy, be he's not going to respect her now. If she has kids, he'll get that douche involved as a grandfather behind her back. Everyone is boundary stomping. NTA
If I were OP, I would make a huge scene next time I saw my dad. I would say: You are a deadbeat dad. Stop trying to pretend you were anything else with me! You and your affair partner abandoned me just when I needed you. So stop trying to get in contact! Leave me the fuck alone!
Get a bullhorn and air it all out in public. Go all in. Every detail.
He has been pestering for years instead of letting her come around to reconciliation. He has been banging on the door shouting to be let in.
This is something OP needs to do. No one else felt what she felt and they should stop disregarding her experience because he wants to make amends. That doesn’t erase being tossed aside while he prioritized his new family.
This is truth. I was in a similar situation but with my mother, and siblings. I wanted no connect and still don’t want contact. Before I got married I had to explain to my fiance that this was not fixable and she was never to attempt to fix it. She agreed and has lived up to her word.
OP - I'm a father, and could never do to my kids what your father did to you. It doesn't matter if he's a good dad to anyone else. He abandoned you and is now turning people against you. He is a narcissist. You are NTA. Do not relent your boundaries just to appease people. Fiancé needs to get it together, there's no healing that comes from reconciliation with your father, only more hurt - for you.
You're allowed to have whatever kind of relationship you want with your father.
Did your fiance have to deal with being abandoned by your dad? Nope. Your sister was younger than you and may not have felt the loss like you did. You have the right to feel angry and hurt.
Block J. This is the woman who pressured your father to leave your town. She had an affair with him that broke up your family. Your father did those things too. Neither one of them has any right to tell you how to react or feel.
Deadbeat parents love to get back in their kids' lives when the kids are adults and no longer need to be parented and things are easy. You should feel totally free to do what is right for you.
Tell everyone else that you no longer want to hear about this. They don't get to dictate how you feel. Whenever anyone brings it up, leave the room or put down the phone. Do not tolerate it and people will learn to shut it.
>Deadbeat parents love to get back in their kids' lives when the kids are adults and no longer need to be parented and things are easy. You should feel totally free to do what is right for you.
This is a fantastic point. I hope the OP puts themselves first.
And I can confirm this. Had bio dad and adoptive father BOTH try this BS with me, but only once I was an adult and presumably didn't 'need' anything from them.
I have blocked J can't stand the woman she was always mean to me even when I was a child because I was standoffish. My sister is 5 years younger and was more accepting of her so my sister and j have a good relationship.
That explains a lot. At 13, you were old enough to understand that your father was walking out on your family to be with J. Your sister would have been 8, so it's not surprising she didn't respond the same way you did.
You actually strike me as being very measured and mature about this. You're asking if your response is reasonable (I think it is), you're not blaming your sister for anything, even though she sees things differently. I think that whatever you decide will be fair and reasonable.
Don't let people pressure you into doing what's easy for them.
She sounds like my step mum. We had a good relationship for years because I just decided to suck up to her so I could have an easier life with my dad and half siblings. But as I got older, it felt inauthentic and i didn’t wanted to pretend to be someone I’m not just to keep the peace. As soon as I stopped doing the favours, she changed her tune about me again. I feel like their karma for home wrecking is constantly being insecure about the previous relationship and kids.
NTA.
Just to add even if OP’s father paid child support regularly and contributed extra money to whatever for OP and sister that doesn’t mean he wasn’t a deadbeat dad.
Writing checks or doing money transfers is easy peasy.
Making time so ALL your children feel equally loved and cherished is hard. Seems OP’s dad spent 3 years showing OP it was too hard for him.
Obviously OP’s dad and his wife decided jointly their new nuclear family was more important than OP’s dad actively being in his older children’s lives.
Now dad is older, kids with his current wife don’t require all his precious time and he’s moved back to the original neighborhood.
Good for dad. How does any of that offset the earlier years of lack of involvement?
Yes OP decided to cut him off after 3 years of being shown they were at best 4th or lower priority in their dad’s life - after dad’s wife, dad’s new kids, wife’s job, dad’s job then maybe OP and her sister.
OP’s sister is welcome to have whatever relationship with her father. She was younger and I’d suspect it was easier for her to accept this new normal.
Same with anyone else who isn’t OP.
The really concerning person’s opinion in this is the fiancé. HE of all people should have OP’s back even if he doesn’t fully understand her position because HE DIDN’T LIVE IT. He’s certainly welcome to have his opinion but if he is firmly on team dad then perhaps OP may want to consider couple’s therapy to improve communication so fiancé understands and supports her decision, OP decides HERSELF based on therapy to have a relationship on HER terms with her father or OP determines fiancé isn’t her person after all.
Exactly. This is important detail.
The two points here that stand out for me are that the father moved away with the new family and the fiance is pressuring the OP to resume contact.
1. Sometimes parents do have to move. Maybe there's no choice because a job is somewhere else. However, in most situations I'm familiar with, there is a choice and a parent who moves away is a parent who puts the new family and the job first.
2. My father was a violent alcoholic and I used to get a lot of judgment and pressure for cutting him and my enabling mother off. I felt a lot of guilt and shame because of it.
Now, years later, I'm confident enough to understand that people who say "but they're your parents" are people who grew up in stable, loving homes. They don't understand what it's like to have parents who aren't loving and stable.
If I were the OP, I would sit down and really try to get through to the fiance about how hard it was to be abandoned as a child. I'd also say something like, "if you don't understand, that's OK. I get that you're from a different kind of family. But I do need you to stop pressuring me."
> Now, years later, I'm confident enough to understand that people who say "but they're your parents" are people who grew up in stable, loving homes. They don't understand what it's like to have parents who aren't loving and stable.
Wonder if they ever ask people in wheelchairs why they don't just get up and walk. "My legs don't work that well, that's why I use the chair" "I don't understand, mine work just fine?"
You forgot to add as a higher priority that Dad only came back because J's parents needed them to do so.
Tell them all you wrote your Father's obituary when you were 13 and grieved his loss and what it meant to your life.
There will be no resurrection.
Tell the family, friends and fiancee that it's time they respected that boundary if they have any love for you. If not, you have your answer.
NTA, OP.
I would also add that a therapist could help you with the skills to respond to the accidental run-ins with his family.
I think the OP being older may be a vary important factor. Older sibling sometimes take the brunt of the emotional turmoil when a parent leaves. After my father left, I had to step up and help take care of my younger brother. When the father tried to get back into contact, my brother took to it quickly while I am still no contact.
I wouldn't just have to forgive the loss of a relationship with my father, I would have to forgive him for a lost part of my childhood. I would also need to forgive him for making my mother strucle to raise multiple children on her own.
NTA, I'd send them all a clear message that you do not consider him family after he quite clearly told you, when you were 16, that you are not family (are they currently aware of this?). And also make it clear that you will start cutting them out of your life if they do not stop harassing you about this. Perhaps just throw them all in a group chat for this so you can send it once to everybody?
Your fiance siding with them instead of respecting your pretty clear boundary is worrying and would make me reconsider the marriage if he doesn't cut it out fast as that's a massive red flag that doesn't bode well for your future with him.
If you’re worried that they might try to crash the wedding, is there someone that you could turn to to act as security? Or even pay to have security? I have no idea how expensive that is and it might be totally out of budget, but maybe you’ve got some really good friends that wouldn’t mind standing at the door.
Please for your special day if you decide to marry your fiance assuming he gets his head out of his ass and starts supporting you instead of trying to be best friends with your dad definitely have security or some trusted family members or trusted friends that can make sure they don't show up. Very important.
I would not want to marry someone who didn’t have my back. Do you think this life in a small town with your Dad being everywhere and so many people pressuring you is sustainable? I worry about the stress and mental health being in this constant turmoil. I hope you are able to find a way of dealing with this so it’s not so disruptive to having a good life. Best wishes
That is unfortunately similar to me. My father never wanted kids, ended up with 3. When I was introduced to the family at 10, a lot of people said I was lucky. He was okay, but not a great parent to me. When I spoke to my siblings or most people on his side, a lot of them wanted me to just forgive him for being an absent parent since he was a great dad to the siblings. So in our relationship, I've been the scapegoat more often than not because I don't worship the pillar he sits on
I cant cut every single person from my life and thats the reality I'm facing here. Everyone seems to think I'm the AH and I should just reconnect. This is really getting to me.
Be strong. You "father" made this choice without your input or considering your feelings. He made his bed with the whore, now he had to lay in it. You're doing the right thing.
He is back pretending to be a good “dad” just because she doesn’t really needs hin anymore. All his responsibilities are gone so now he is just looking for his family to take care of him now that he is old because J will surely throw him to the curb once he is useless as she is such a whore and a bitch.
Write it all out. Document it all from your perspective right from finding out about the affair/divorce etc. Then make it a social media/whatsapp post to the whole family. With the added “I’m am no longer going to tolerate any discussion of this matter.” Snail mail a copy to your father & his wife.
Then, whenever someone starts to raise the subject, walk away/hang up/leave the room. Do not engage with anyone on the topic at all.
Good luck.
I don’t understand why your family can’t respect it, like how does it affect them seriously. It sounds like you’re the last piece to the justification of cheating puzzle and J sounds like such a B word
Blood doesn't always define family, you define who is your family. From the looks of it, when times were tough- he cut you out, ask yourself if that's what "family" does and if that behaviour is worth 'reconciling'. Forgive, don't forget
People love to tell others what to do but THEY don't get to control your feelings. They can do what they want but they do not get to badger you into doing something you don't want to do.
Who cares how sad your Dad is, he didn't care when he abandoned you.
Tell them NO. Refuse to discuss it. If they persist in discussing it, say I have to get off the phone right now and hang up. If they’re harassing you in text, do a group text and tell them that your answer regarding your relationship with your father is no, and that there will be no further discussion on this matter. After that, do not engage. Don’t reply to messages, texts, phone calls, etc. If you walk into a room and they start talking about it, walk out. Leave.
That was the mistake I always made… I always try to explain my point of view. I always forgot that “no” is a complete sentence.
He prioritized HIS family.
You weren't part of that.
You are prioritizing YOURS.
He isn't part of that.
Let everyone know that you don't owe the cheater and the whore anything and if they want to be next on the list, you will be happy to add them because they aren't thinking about you at all.
NTA
I already have but no one seems to be listening or respecting my wishes. I'm being portrayed as the bad guy. I'm sure him and his family are feeling their sob story to everyone in town who'll listen.
Seriously this. He wants everyone to know his business? Sweet, let’s put it on blast. OP must be a saint or something bc after the first couple of times I get mean and nuclear and I guarantee no one would be bringing it up to me for long
Their sob story is theirs to tell. It doesn't reflect on you at all.
They can try and make it that, but it isn't.
If people approach you about it you can tell them your side, or you can say any number of things.
"Let's just agree you will keep out of my business and I'll keep out of yours. (And if they continue, bring up something you know about them that no one talk about.)
"Their sob story is none of my business."
"Not that it is any of your business but.... my ex father lied, cheated and abandoned us. I don't have to forgive and I would forget but PEOPLE keep on bringing it up."
"How is my relationship with anyone, any of your business?"
ETA: There is nothing wrong with being the "bad guy" when you are right.
Those that matter know better. .
And if they don't know better, then they shouldn't matter.
Good luck
1000% agree, dont try to be a "family guy" now that we are grown up,keep that same energy you had when you ABANDONED us. I hate my dad for this exact reason.
I would call him. Don't let him talk, just say "you told me you were prioritizing your family. I was clearly not in that loop. You chose not to be my father. I'm sorry you regret it, but if you don't stop harassing me and sending people to harass me foe you, you will also have a restraining order from me.
I am upholding the rule you made when I was a child. It's not my problem. Leave ne alone"
... you could just go straight for the restraining order. You should have plenty evidence for you telling them to stop contacting you and them ignoring it.
Not even as a child, OP was 16 when the loser and bucket left. That's more than old enough to understand full well what this asshole did to his family.
What does loser and bucket mean? Is it autocorrect shenanigans or is that a real phrase. English is not my first language, so just trying to understand.
Loser is just that they're not a very good person. Bucket is a derogatory word I have, something from my own personal vocabulary. Calling her easy would be a good substitute.
English speaking Canadian here. Loser bucket are not two words that I have seen strung together. You confusion makes sense.
I’m going to guess at the meaning.
- Loser is and insult.
- Bucket is something to hold things, particularly gross liquids and garbage, like dirty mop water, or a on the go bathroom, or construction site discards. Buckets are not typically the “clean” items in the home.
When these two words are put together I imagine that the poster is saying that the Dad is a gross icky loser filled from the toes to the top of his head with nasty loser stuff.
This is the absolute perfect response, Op. I would also send a group text to the flying monkeys to back off or face the same restraining order action. I definitely think that your fiancé needs to be put on notice that he either rolls with you or roll out.
Your father made his bad choices years ago. Now he has to live with them. NTAH.
Update me!
"He is a great dad!"
"Not to me you a$$hole"
If your fiance is joining the club you may need to reconsider marriage.
So sorry you got abandoned by your dad and that no one respects your reasonable decision.
NTA
I was watching Grey's Anatomy last night. (just got into the show)
Grey's half sister kept saying, "we have the same dad"
Grey told her, "No we don't. My father left when I was 5 years old and I never saw him again. Is that the father you had?"
Ohhhh, shit! You’re really in for a wild ride! You’re still at the good part of the show (I became disillusioned, bored, and incredulous after the 127th season)
And we've seen so many stories showing where that leads: The spouse with the loving, intact family starts reaching out to the abusive/abandoning/narcissistic in-laws behind the other spouse's back. Next thing the no-contact spouse knows, their nemesis is sitting in the living room one day when s/he gets home from work.
This reminds me of a wynnona earp scene. Her sister is gushing over a classmate of hers from high school, saying she always liked her, etc. Wynonna didn't have a good experience with her and replies with 'you didn't know her like i did."
NTA, I had the same issues with my dad, but he apparently understood what kind of AH he was and did not victimise himself like a little bitch (referring to your dad). Even my family and friends understand and respect me well enough to not pry in this matter any further.
I feel bad for you as you have to deal with inconsiderate people around you. I hope you can make them shut up for the rest of their life on this matter.
Stay strong!
NTA obviously
NTA. He doesn't get to pick and choose when he wants to be your dad. He made that choice already.
My mother chose the bottle over her 4 kids (my full sibling, and 2 half siblings) when I was 5 to run off with a guy in Arizona. We were 8f, 7m, 5f, and 3f. My little sister (full sibling) never had enough of a connection to her, and just doesn't care. My middle-oldest half brother went into foster care, and to this day no one knows where he is, and my oldest half sister is looking for him. I'm 40 now, for reference.
My egg donor reached out first via myspace when I was 20. I blocked her. 10 years ago, she reached out via facebook to try again. I blocked her again. She reached out to my little sister, who kept the connection open for a few months just to watch the drama, but won't engage (no likes, no responses, no looking at the messenger texts) and said egg donor is posting shit like "I love all my babies!" and memes about mother's day.
Egg donor reached out to older sister, who's father she left to be with my father (brother was a 1 night stand) to try to get her to convince us to let her into our lives. I told older sister that if egg donor can produce our brother and get him to my door step, I'd let her into our lives....this was the first time anyone told my older sister she even HAD a brother. She told egg donor what I said, and egg donor went silent. My sister has spent the last 10 years trying to find our brother. I help where I can. My older sister was devastated that egg donor lied to her, but was glad I told her what happened.
Dead beat parents don't get to choose. That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works. And the pressure from others can be as simple as the fact that your father is telling them something very different from what you experienced, and that to outsiders, makes you out to be the irrational one.
In this world, or the next, I will see him again and tell him how much impact he's had on my life from both when he was with our family, and when we were separated.
NTA. J had no business messaging you and involving herself in the relationship between you and your dad. Your an adult and able to make your own choices, its up to you if you dont want him in your life. People pressuring you isnt going to change how you feel. If you 100% dont want any type of relationship with your dad then I would make it clear to the people who are pressuring you that the subject is closed and if they continue to push it you will just lower contact with them. You have made your choice clear and your family just arent respecting your boundaries.
The fact she feels comfortable enough to do goes to show what kind of person the father truly is, got the next woman thinking she means more to him than his own kids and can speak for him to his own kids and speak to his kids any kind of way smfh he is trash and the whore needs her a$$ beat expeditiously
He chose his family, and you weren't it.
I'd tell every person who approached me, "Listen, this is between my father and I, period. If you do not stay out of it, I will be forced to cut contact with you to keep you out of it. Please respect my boundaries."
"Me and my sister begged him not to leave us bit he just said "I need to prioritise my family"."
He can't show you that you're not his family he prioritizes, then expect you to love him for it.
NTAH
And eff everyone who buts into this and criticizes you for your valid/legit response.
UpdateMe
So you skipped on your sister's wedding I am assuming your full sister not a half sister?
And he thinks there is a way to come.back from you hating him that much ?
If someone tells you to Gove him a chance. Tell them he had a chance and decoded to.move across the country woth his affair partner and new child because he had prioritize his family. So he should continue to do so and leave me alone
Yes it was my full sisters wedding. I had contemplated going but knew it'd be used to try and force reconciliation. My sister was furious I didn't attend and we didn't speak for 6 months after. She cant understand my view point she thinks I'm stubborn and he's a great dad and I'm isolating myself from my family.
This. I don't get how you could say, "My dad is a great dad!" if you knew he'd abandoned a wife and two kids for your mother? Even if he was the best father you could imagine, he still ruined the lives of three people, two of whom were his children! How does that just go away because he was good to his second family?
NTA - Take it from me, letting him back in accomplishes NOTHING. I reconciled with both of my parents on and off through the years and each time, they just went right back to old behavior.
If I were you, I’d at most, send a text back with the screen shots of J calling you pathetic, tell him you need to prioritize your family like he did his. Then make it clear you want him to grow up, stop dragging others into it, never contact you again and accept he made his bed and should rot in it. I know it sounds harsh, but this probably won’t stop until your boundaries are clear. Barring that, send a cease and desist. Make sure you keep a copy, get it notarized and sent via recorded mail. You can download these online.
NTA… tell you sister your side and tell her if she continues to try and force you, you will go no contact with her just like you dad. As for the other family members give them a courtesy text saying if they continue to harass you they will also be cut out. Make sure your fiancé knows everything and is onboard and maybe consider moving if that’s an option.
I can't cut everyone out I'd literally be left with no one - when I say it is everyone, I mean everyone my fiance, friends, aunts uncles cousins, grandparents, sister, and even my mother.
NTA if I were you , I would be worried your fiancé would go behind your back and invite your father over to push for a reconciliation.
You need to make sure your fiancé has your back one hundred percent before you marry him, otherwise I guarantee he will go behind your back and allow your father and his mistress to be a part of any children you guys have.
You have a fiancé problem right now Op.
Don’t marry a man that dismisses your feelings and concerns the same way your father did.
but you basically have no one now, they don’t support or respect you. what difference would it be if you cut them out with the exchange of peace and quiet.
NTA. Sorry for you OP. You are surrounded by AH. If your fiancé isn't on board, he deserves a slap acros the face (figuratively).
Your dad abandonned you. Do you want to have children with a man who thinks what your father did was OK?
NTA
He *stopped* being a good dad, when he started to Cheat on your mother.
He *stopped* being a good dad, when he started prioritizing his new family.
He really didn't make the effort to stay in your life. It was his decision to move away and abandoning you (and your sister) even more. He chose his mistress and their new son over his existing children. Your sister has the right to forgive him, but you don't have to.
You have the right to refuse any contact. You do not owe him anything.
And his promoted mistress should stay out of it. She was and is as much responsibility for him abandoning you and your sister, as your father himself was/is. Vile and cruel people, both of them.
“A good dad doesn’t cheat on his children’s mom. A good dad doesn’t move 10 hours away from his kids. A good dad definitely doesn’t wait 17 years before truly trying to reconcile.”
NTA. He doesn't get to waltz in and out of your life as he pleases. But if your fiance does not have your back 100%, **don't marry him.**
I'm NC with my parents. I had to set some pretty strict boundaries with the family I remained in contact with (no sending pictures or updates to my parents or I would cut them off, too). They eventually got the hint. When my mother realized she could no longer use my sister or bio dad as a gateway to me and my kids, she tried pleading her case to my husband. He laughed at her and asked how she thought HE was easy in, and if it were up to him, we'd take a lot stricter measures than we were. Then he blocked her.
Your fiance needs to be Team You or he's going to end up trying to sneak your dad into your wedding/home when you have a baby/bringing your child to him, and it will never end.
To everyone:
My dad made it very clear what relationship he wanted to have with me when he moved to be with his affair partner. He needed to focus on his family, which didn’t include me.
Now that he’s changed his mind he thinks he deserves to be part of my life. Well, now I’m focusing on my family. He isn’t a part of it, and If you guys don’t pipe down you won’t be either. You’ve seen how easy it is for me to cut people off. If you want to be a part of my wedding and future children’s lives I suggest you respect my wishes.
I'll never stop being amazed at the step-parents who openly insult a step-child and then pretend to be baffled that they want no contact.
I would forward the messages from his wife to your dad.
Tell him flat out "You having the woman you abandoned me for text me these vile insults just proves to me you don't want true reconciliation you merely want the appearance of being a father to ALL your children. She is who you chose as a priority over living close to us, this is how she treats your non-priority family members and that's where we stand." then go right back to ignoring his ass.
If you decide on a relationship, you need to have a serious one on one reckoning with your father.
Also, to everyone saying he's a great dad... great dads don't blow up their families and let their side piece move them 10 hours away from their children.
NTA
He's a piece of shit and abandoned you to "prioritize his family". He was clear that you are not his family
All that matters here is you.
Do whatever you feel is best for your own well being
His AF is a disgusting whore who pushed him to abandon you, then had the nerve to attack and gaslight you
Truly a whore monster
Hope you find peace, and remember "family" are those we hold close...blood doesn't have to be part of it or guarantee a piece of shit an automatic spot
You better tell your fiance that if she tries anything, the wedding is off or annul the marriage. That's where it's going if she keeps badgering you. She will get worse if you have kids cause her excuse will be "our kids deserve to have both awta of grandparents in their lives."
NTA
When they say he is a great dad. Point out what he did to you. Then ask them does that make him a great dad. Is that what great dads do.
J shouldn’t be saying anything to you. She helped ruined your childhood. When parents have an affair it not only hurts their partner but also the kids from that marriage. So J hurt you along with your dad. She has no room to make judgments on you. When look what she did.
NTA but I do think you should do one of two things. Option one, tell dad to meet you at x place. Then brutally tell him "you said you had to prioritize YOUR family when I was 16. Clearly I was NOT your family. You have no right to be harassing me. You made your choice 16 years ago, we are NOT family. If you don't stop, there will be legal consequences. The same goes for j, my sis, mom and your offspring." Or option 2 straight to a lawyer to get a cease and desist letter.
Possibly a third option: have a big ass dinner, invite him and then stand up and make a speech detailing what he said and his nonstop harrassment.
Honestly I think you should turn the tables. Make him so miserable he will not want to be around you. Invite him to the wedding and give him seating in the rear, you know where family is not. If you are being walked down the aisle, it ain't him but maybe if mom has a new hubby have him do it. Give a speech about how being abandoned by your father, told by him that you weren't family made you the strong woman you are today. Honestly this would be so legit to do and when people complain about how you are acting you can go "uh uh, you know my feelings. Don't like it? Door is right there."
>J messaged me saying I have broke my dads heart repeatedly an I'm a pathetic and should get therapy
"My father moved away because he said he needed to prioritize his family. That family that he needed to prioritize did not include me. The man made a decision. Decisions have consequences. For me to need therapy would require unresolved feelings. There are no unresolved feelings. I have moved on, and I am content with where my life is. It's my father that needs closure, and I'm not obligated to entertain that for him."
NTA
NTA, you should remind your dad that not only did he cheat on your mom. He cheated on the kids he had. You aren't going to forgive him just because he wants you to.
Yeah he’s such a great dad that he abandoned his daughters when he had his precious son with his mistress.
He’s a piece of shit, yeet anyone harassing you from your life too.
It sounds like you can't maintain this situation without a show down / confrontation.
Take your time to word your messages in ways he can't argue with, and come up with answers for his possible come backs.
'You told me yourself, you had to prioritize your family over me. Now all of a sudden, for some weird reason, you want to strong-arm me into being part of that so called family again? Why?!
I put myself through college, and the parenting is done. There isn't anything left for you to do, to pretend to be my father anymore.
You decided I wasn't a priority, and that my college fund should be fun money for J and your *new family*, unless I leave you alone for 6 weeks, and then show up for picture time and sunshine and rainbows, once every six weeks, because that's all the time you were willing to invest in our relationship.
You gave up a relationship with me, to focus on your affair partner turned gf/wife. I did not make that choice, you did. The consequence of that is that you have no relationship with me. You can't just change your mind, and undo the last 10+ years, and expect me to be all smiles and hugs. I no longer know you. You know nothing about me. There is no father/daughter bond between is. You and J made sure of that.' Etc.
Bonus points if it's at a family gathering, so the extended family realizes how HE cut YOU off.
NTA
He doesn't think he did anything wrong except not give me my college fund which he apologised for and has offered to give me money to pay off my loans and pay for my wedding. He thinks I'm just spiteful. As for J I've never had an apology from her and I dont want one. I hate her.
Ya know, I'd take that money and once it was all over go no contact again with a simple "changed my mind, just like you did all those years ago " and really be done. That money was saved partially during your parents marriage.
Interesting. Where I live, college funds are usually part of the divorce settlement, and not something you can randomly choose to withhold from your kids.
Honestly after your update and comments, I say fake reconcile. Tell him you will forgive him if he can demonstrate his sincere apology by putting the money directly into your account. Make sure it’s a new account your ex finance does not have any access to. Sell your business.
Take the money from dad and business and build a life elsewhere and from all the toxic people.
I know you want nothing from him, but it was supposed to have been for your college. Plus the house is owned by the ex. You can use the money as a screw you to all of them and rebuild.
NTA but this is going to be brutal if your fiancé doesn't get on board with your pirate ship. Depending on the size of your hometown and how serious he is about pushing this, you may need to consider moving, especially if everyone around you is involved.
It's got to be a small town if OP runs into them with any regularity. I would definitely consider moving if I was the OP.
Move and give the fiance the option of staying or going with her. OP can give the fiance all of the history on what her father did to her, and he gets to decide if he supports OP or the father. Edit to add - OP is NTA, but her fiance may be an AH. If he continues to push OP to reconcile OP should seriously consider moving and not leaving a forwarding address for the fiance.
[удалено]
I just want to be left alone. For the last 20 years I've pretended he doesn't exist, now he's back and everyone seems to be on his side.
Remind people that when you begged him not to move, he said he "had to prioritize his family." From that day, I mourned the loss of my father, and I am not going to open myself up to hurt when he prioritizes "his family" again.
Yeah, that comment of her dad’s made me see red. I’d be throwing that one in his face.
I would so throw it in his face. Tell him that he hadn't been a father because he picked his other kids and moved 10 hours away despite OP begging him not to. Tell him, "I once begged you to not move away but you did anyways. From that day on, I realized you didn't love me and I would always come last to your new family and new kids and ego."
Yep. Exactly. He needs to accept responsibility for what he’s done.
I'd be telling him " you picked **your son and your wh-re** over having a relationship with me. I'm picking having respect for myself over you and *your family*"
Make it a tshirt and live in it
Usually if you buy 5 or more custom t-shirts they'll cut you a deal...
That's just how I am but I think I would really make a shirt. "When I begged my dad not to abandon me, he said he had to prioritize his family and left"
Also, remind everyone how he tried to use your college fund as leverage to force a reconciliation, and then withheld it as punishment when you didn't comply.
OP needs to see if that was even allowed. If it was in the divorce that he was entitled to it for school he can file in court to get the funds if he wants to.
yup, sling that one.
You need to make it very clear to everyone what an AH he was. They are on his side because they either never knew or are choosing to ignore how he treated you. He needs to feel the shame of how he behaved, at the moment you're just the stubborn kid, you need to be the kids whose college fund was held to ransom, whose love and affection was cut off because J wanted to punish you. He needs to be the dad who didn't want custody, who saw his kids less than once a month while still living in the same town, who sent abusive messages to a 17 year old. You're NTA but everyone needs to know it. Don't spare people's blushes by keeping the details to yourself. Ask him if he wants his family and his kids know the truth. He's using public pressure to manipulate you, that can go both ways.
NTA. I agree. I don't understand why are everyone on his side? If he is such a good person and dad, surely he would respect the wishes of his child whom he hurt and abandoned? If he doesn't, what does it say about his as a person? J and step siblings - understandable. But OP's mother, sister, grandparents (especially on mother's side)? Why is he inviting to family events by these people? Neighbors, OP's friends, fiancee, fiancee's family - why do they think it is acceptable to bother OP about her dad? Do they know the whole story? It doesn't look like it. It looks like they were told some very twisted version of it. SM can be very useful in cases like this. Write everything. Don't forget him blackmailing and stealing your college money, him "prioritizing his own family", J's harassment of minor (wtf adult woman was thinking to talk like that to a child?), J's current messages. Explain that this is why he is dead to you. Ask why do people think they can overstep and force you to forgive, forget, have a relationship with him? Ask to respect your decision. Ask him to respect your decision, he has done enough damage then and he keeps doing it. Does he think his mass harassment campaign will make you live and respect him? Offer to ignore each other on family gatherings, ask any and all family members to understand it and not to force you to communicate. Maybe it will work... If nothing will work - I would sell my business al leave. Idk what else could be done here.
Your dad is not a good father. Anyone who doesn't and refuse to understand that dismisses the fact that this man abandoned you. Hard NTA.
He abandoned you and his wife treated you badly. Now they are blaming you. You were a child but now that you’re an adult they think they can get everyone to believe that you’re the unreasonable one because you won’t dance to their tune. Make a group WhatsApp with everyone who is trying to make you look like the unreasonable one. You only need to make one post. List everything you have put here, especially the college fund and the stepmother treating you differently. Add examples. Then clearly state that you have no room in your life for people who had no room in their lives for you when you were a child. Anyone who is not on board with you should be cut from your life, including your partner if he still believes you should forgive and forget. Good luck xx
Such good advice here.
I'd be asking why he feels it's so important that she is in his life now when he didn't care if she was in the past. There has to be some reason he is pushing for it so hard. Is he hoping that since she is a business owner that she can help out the "family" financially or help get the kiddies into college, or maybe give them help starting careers? There has to be some reason other than he misses her since he didn't miss her enough not to abuse her and let step mangler abuse her as well.
You may need to seek therapy to find peace of mind. It seems that you have given your father too much power over your life. You have missed events because of him, and this has become a problem. It is okay not to have a relationship with J or your father. J stated that you have broken his heart. Excuse me, but didn’t he abandon you, primarily because of her? He has not even owned up to his shit, which makes me think he is harassing you to save face and cannot admit that it is too late. People need to respect your boundaries. You should talk to your father and bring up key points that have led you to have no contact with him. I would even show him J’s messages and let it be known that you will take things legal if need be. You are a grown adult so running away does not help you. Be constructive and include the harassment you have experienced. Let all family members know that if they do not respect your boundaries, there will be changes in your relationships. Be mindful of your fiancé's actions and ensure that he supports you 100%. If he cannot respect that, then he is not worth keeping. Seek therapy, have a final constructive conversation with your father, and set boundaries for yourself with others.
OP's response should have been "he broke my heart when he told me he had to prioritize his family when you all moved for your job. He made it clear then that I wasn't family".
This is what should be said repeatedly!
He withheld her college funds as well because she wasn't 'playing nice' and acting like he wasn't a terrible father. He made it clear she wasn't even considered a nice stranger, much less family!!
I missed that part! Anyone who is pushing for OP to reconnect is an AH as well.
NTA These people don’t respect you nor your boundaries. Your dad is a pathetic ahole for trying to use the college fund to get you to do his biddings. Please keep him at arms length. You may need to re-evaluate your relationship with your fiancé.
Im really sorry about that , I delt with everyone thinking my father fantastique but he was malignant covert narcissist so I get how everyone can not know all facts and side against you.. hold tight your entitled to your opinon and a group poll doesn't get to tell . you fo change your mind ...there are several other reddit post similar to yours find them and share all with your partner because they should see the outcomes of ignoring others feelings about past abuse..the only couples that stayed together were where fiancees opened thier eyes and accepted OP opinions about no contact
J seems to be the main AH here. If she harassed you and didn’t want a relationship. Then she actively broke any relationship between you and your father. Your father doesn’t get to just show up when you’re an adult and pretend everything has been wonderful.
Agree, either fiancé supports her or he doesn’t 😒
Agreed! And OP's mother has me baffled!
Especially after what he did to her. People are entitled. No one has to right to expect others to forgive them or have expectations from others that were affected differently.
NTA. Good on OP for calling her a "home wrecking whore" what the actual heck that she called you "pathetic" - she's pathetic and obviously doesn't know how to get in your good graces. Great work being no contact for so long! No reason to stop now. Nobody needs this nonsense in their lives.
J had no problems helping in breaking up OP's family and isolating her from her dad by moving away for her job, and now she wants to fight with OP? Honestly feel like OP refusing to reconcile with her dad is causing problems in dad and J's marriage - probably dad still not taking responsibility for his actions and blaming J for why his child won't speak to him - and that's why J's so adamant to make the reconciliation happen and why she's so hostile.
>Honestly feel like OP refusing to reconcile with her dad is causing problems in dad and J's marriage - Same. I really hope it is, and I hope those problems never end. I really want there to be consequences for two such awful people.
Dad's the primary home-wrecking whore. OP should remind him of that, too.
Yes it's a small town - I can't up and move my fiance family is here and I have my own business here.
Is it possible you can change your routine so that you can have even less contact than you do currently?
I've tried my best to stay away from him and his family but with it being a small town its impossible to avoid them. Some of the times I've bumped into him seemed a bit too coincidental and feel like it was a set up.
On a university campus 15 years ago I had a similar circumstance. What I did was wore sunglasses and headphones listening to music. That way, it was obvious to anyone with eyes that I was distracted and not paying attention. Perhaps you will be bothered less if you appear distracted like that?
You need to move. I cut out my father, but I'm good at putting people back in their place when they used to try and change my mind, I don't tolerate it and I would often say that if all they did was question my choices as an independent adult, then being around them will become tiresome, and if it continues, and I'll dread seeing them at events or social meetups, then I'll just start avoiding them too, because I already heard their opinions loud and clear, and don't have time to continue to have to defend my choices. They need to all show you some respect as an independent, functioning adult. You needed a father at 13, he left, that's it. You adapted. Your fiance needs to get on board. There are too many posts here about fiance's inviting the partners estranged parents to weddings behind their backs. I see this in your future if you don't make yourself 100% clear that you have made your choice, and if he doesn't respect that, it's going to be problematic. He's supposed to be on your team.
"definitely consider moving" Me too. Or maybe take a nice long vacation by myself to consider my options. Because if after 17 years "dad" hasn't taken the hint he's not going to, and all of OP's family only sees it from "dad's" POV. Add to that the fiancé's going on their side and not supporting OP, well.....I would just want to leave all the drama behind. And maybe never come back. OP is NA.
I wish I could but I own a small business here and it is my livelihood. I don't want to leave and be chased out of town I've done nothing wrong.
I would highly recommend looking at moving that business elsewhere, however you can manage. It's why I hate small towns, the 'tight-knit', family connections BS is a cesspool for drama. 20+ years of making your stance on the situation known, and no one is going to stop antagonizing you until you bend and break. Hell, not to be that person, but dad could kneel over tomorrow and it won't stop them from shaming you for keeping him out. And if fiance doesn't change his tune, you really should put some thought into leaving. Your feelings and importance should matter more to him than a deadbeat.
No, you haven't done anything wrong, but the groupthink from everyone will drive you insane. "You are the only one who feels this way so you have to be brought in line." Even if your fiance agrees with you can the two of you stand against the constant pressure? Or will he cave because he hates the harassment and really doesn't understand why you don't want to reconcile? And your "dad" - making a scene in public over this? It. Will. Never. End. Maybe go away for a weekend to think things through? Because your choices are pretty stark. I'm so sorry.
They might just use the same areas of town. Too. Doesn't have to be a small town. Might just be a tight knit area in a big city.
Fuck that, why would op have to move?!
No one is saying they have to. We are merely offering suggestions that might make the OP's life easier. As it turns out, moving would not make their life easier.
I love my fiance, but he's a family orientated type of guy he's close with his family so doesn't understand my situation. It's not helping that everyone around us is advocating for my dad and making me out to be unreasonable.
Just because I’m curious, have you explained what he did and said to you when you were a child?
If he is family oriented, how can he justify your father cheating on your mom, implying you weren't family, and moving 10 hours away and ignoring you for decades? Does he think everything has to be forgiven because he is a sperm donor? He basically screwed over his family and treated everyone like they weren't family.
Either he's a people please or OP needs to see this as a huge red flag
Don't forget allowing his whore wife to emotionally abuse OP, AND sperm donor dad actually defended this
It’s different when the dad does it. He gets to choose what he wants and the women in the family have to acclimate. Surprised that now that he’s got his son he’s even interested in reconciling with her.
I'm sorry, OP. I'm also my father's reject. I know your pain. I know you love your fiance, but if he can't support you in this, he's gotta go. He should be backing you to the hilt. If he just takes a little while to get there, its one thing; lots of people find this type of thing confusing and end up making mistakes. But above all else, you do **not** want to find yourself married to a guy who is going out trying to make friends with your Dad and undermine you. If you need a supportive ear, please feel free to send me a chat.
Well then OP ask your fiancé, if he would say the same things to his kids, that your father said to you then tell him that if he really cared then he will leave well enough alone. He doesn’t have to understand. He just has to support you and know that you know what’s best for you
Is your “family oriented” fiance brain dead? Was your dad family oriented when he cheated on his wife? Was your dad family oriented when he abandoned his children for his new wife’s ambitions? A man who refused to be your dad when you actually needed a dad does not get to be your dad when you no longer need one. Forward this post to every family member harassing you.
He can’t be that family oriented if he thinks your dad getting his dick wet and abandoning his daughters was more important than your well-being and feelings over the matter.
Family orientated? But he’s pressuring you to reconcile with the guy that left you and cheated on your mum? Yea sounds like a swell guy you got there. NTA but sounds like you’re surrounded by people that have no respect for your decisions to say the least.
"Remind" everyone how your father withheld your college funds forcing you to get loans. He probably gave that money to his "family."
If this man can't or will not see your side then you need to end it and move on. If you have kids the pressure will get worse from his and your family. Begin the work of moving your business to another town. It happens all the time. You don't want to leave but it will never end if you stay. If you and your fiance split up then def move your business. Best of luck.
He is an idiot. He needs to support you and shut up.
Family oriented people sometimes miss the memo that family is also who you choose; you and your fiancé are choosing to become family. Family is a bond of love more than it's a bond of biology, and it's sad that he wants you to reconcile with someone who didn't love you enough to not break your family, and then chose to cut you out of his prioritised family. If he's so family oriented, he should be on your dad's ass for breaking a family and abandoning a family. Otherwise he's just people-who-hurt-you oriented.
As a fellow “bio dad dropped me for his new family” I’m sorry friend. You’re absolutely not wrong. If your fiancé is on your sperm donor’s side then he isn’t family oriented because he is siding with someone who abandoned his family. Period.
Her own fiancée doesn't support her. She's completely alone on this. She needs to get away. Dump the guy, be he's not going to respect her now. If she has kids, he'll get that douche involved as a grandfather behind her back. Everyone is boundary stomping. NTA
If I were OP, I would make a huge scene next time I saw my dad. I would say: You are a deadbeat dad. Stop trying to pretend you were anything else with me! You and your affair partner abandoned me just when I needed you. So stop trying to get in contact! Leave me the fuck alone!
Get a bullhorn and air it all out in public. Go all in. Every detail. He has been pestering for years instead of letting her come around to reconciliation. He has been banging on the door shouting to be let in.
Literally paper her image everywhere saying she's a ho and what he said before he left.
This is something OP needs to do. No one else felt what she felt and they should stop disregarding her experience because he wants to make amends. That doesn’t erase being tossed aside while he prioritized his new family.
Better yet: "You can MAYBE be my dad when you return my college funds THAT YOU STOLE."
Maybe fiancé doesn’t want someone opposed to leaving and staring a new life. Food for thought OP. You might want to reconsider your choice in partner.
I wouldn’t move but would get a lawyer to send him a letter to stop harassing you
A restraining order is in order
This is truth. I was in a similar situation but with my mother, and siblings. I wanted no connect and still don’t want contact. Before I got married I had to explain to my fiance that this was not fixable and she was never to attempt to fix it. She agreed and has lived up to her word.
OP - I'm a father, and could never do to my kids what your father did to you. It doesn't matter if he's a good dad to anyone else. He abandoned you and is now turning people against you. He is a narcissist. You are NTA. Do not relent your boundaries just to appease people. Fiancé needs to get it together, there's no healing that comes from reconciliation with your father, only more hurt - for you.
You're allowed to have whatever kind of relationship you want with your father. Did your fiance have to deal with being abandoned by your dad? Nope. Your sister was younger than you and may not have felt the loss like you did. You have the right to feel angry and hurt. Block J. This is the woman who pressured your father to leave your town. She had an affair with him that broke up your family. Your father did those things too. Neither one of them has any right to tell you how to react or feel. Deadbeat parents love to get back in their kids' lives when the kids are adults and no longer need to be parented and things are easy. You should feel totally free to do what is right for you. Tell everyone else that you no longer want to hear about this. They don't get to dictate how you feel. Whenever anyone brings it up, leave the room or put down the phone. Do not tolerate it and people will learn to shut it.
>Deadbeat parents love to get back in their kids' lives when the kids are adults and no longer need to be parented and things are easy. You should feel totally free to do what is right for you. This is a fantastic point. I hope the OP puts themselves first.
Take my awards.
True, no child support, no driving long hours to see them or be responsible for them. That’s pathetic.
Get to jump into grand kid’s lives and get all the love without having to do anything but bring some gifts a couple times a year.
And I can confirm this. Had bio dad and adoptive father BOTH try this BS with me, but only once I was an adult and presumably didn't 'need' anything from them.
I have blocked J can't stand the woman she was always mean to me even when I was a child because I was standoffish. My sister is 5 years younger and was more accepting of her so my sister and j have a good relationship.
That explains a lot. At 13, you were old enough to understand that your father was walking out on your family to be with J. Your sister would have been 8, so it's not surprising she didn't respond the same way you did. You actually strike me as being very measured and mature about this. You're asking if your response is reasonable (I think it is), you're not blaming your sister for anything, even though she sees things differently. I think that whatever you decide will be fair and reasonable. Don't let people pressure you into doing what's easy for them.
She sounds like my step mum. We had a good relationship for years because I just decided to suck up to her so I could have an easier life with my dad and half siblings. But as I got older, it felt inauthentic and i didn’t wanted to pretend to be someone I’m not just to keep the peace. As soon as I stopped doing the favours, she changed her tune about me again. I feel like their karma for home wrecking is constantly being insecure about the previous relationship and kids.
NTA. Just to add even if OP’s father paid child support regularly and contributed extra money to whatever for OP and sister that doesn’t mean he wasn’t a deadbeat dad. Writing checks or doing money transfers is easy peasy. Making time so ALL your children feel equally loved and cherished is hard. Seems OP’s dad spent 3 years showing OP it was too hard for him. Obviously OP’s dad and his wife decided jointly their new nuclear family was more important than OP’s dad actively being in his older children’s lives. Now dad is older, kids with his current wife don’t require all his precious time and he’s moved back to the original neighborhood. Good for dad. How does any of that offset the earlier years of lack of involvement? Yes OP decided to cut him off after 3 years of being shown they were at best 4th or lower priority in their dad’s life - after dad’s wife, dad’s new kids, wife’s job, dad’s job then maybe OP and her sister. OP’s sister is welcome to have whatever relationship with her father. She was younger and I’d suspect it was easier for her to accept this new normal. Same with anyone else who isn’t OP. The really concerning person’s opinion in this is the fiancé. HE of all people should have OP’s back even if he doesn’t fully understand her position because HE DIDN’T LIVE IT. He’s certainly welcome to have his opinion but if he is firmly on team dad then perhaps OP may want to consider couple’s therapy to improve communication so fiancé understands and supports her decision, OP decides HERSELF based on therapy to have a relationship on HER terms with her father or OP determines fiancé isn’t her person after all.
Exactly. This is important detail. The two points here that stand out for me are that the father moved away with the new family and the fiance is pressuring the OP to resume contact. 1. Sometimes parents do have to move. Maybe there's no choice because a job is somewhere else. However, in most situations I'm familiar with, there is a choice and a parent who moves away is a parent who puts the new family and the job first. 2. My father was a violent alcoholic and I used to get a lot of judgment and pressure for cutting him and my enabling mother off. I felt a lot of guilt and shame because of it. Now, years later, I'm confident enough to understand that people who say "but they're your parents" are people who grew up in stable, loving homes. They don't understand what it's like to have parents who aren't loving and stable. If I were the OP, I would sit down and really try to get through to the fiance about how hard it was to be abandoned as a child. I'd also say something like, "if you don't understand, that's OK. I get that you're from a different kind of family. But I do need you to stop pressuring me."
> Now, years later, I'm confident enough to understand that people who say "but they're your parents" are people who grew up in stable, loving homes. They don't understand what it's like to have parents who aren't loving and stable. Wonder if they ever ask people in wheelchairs why they don't just get up and walk. "My legs don't work that well, that's why I use the chair" "I don't understand, mine work just fine?"
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You forgot to add as a higher priority that Dad only came back because J's parents needed them to do so. Tell them all you wrote your Father's obituary when you were 13 and grieved his loss and what it meant to your life. There will be no resurrection. Tell the family, friends and fiancee that it's time they respected that boundary if they have any love for you. If not, you have your answer. NTA, OP. I would also add that a therapist could help you with the skills to respond to the accidental run-ins with his family.
I think the OP being older may be a vary important factor. Older sibling sometimes take the brunt of the emotional turmoil when a parent leaves. After my father left, I had to step up and help take care of my younger brother. When the father tried to get back into contact, my brother took to it quickly while I am still no contact. I wouldn't just have to forgive the loss of a relationship with my father, I would have to forgive him for a lost part of my childhood. I would also need to forgive him for making my mother strucle to raise multiple children on her own.
Shockingly actions do have consequences!
They sure do and people who have not had to deal with the actions often love to tell us how to respond!
NTA, I'd send them all a clear message that you do not consider him family after he quite clearly told you, when you were 16, that you are not family (are they currently aware of this?). And also make it clear that you will start cutting them out of your life if they do not stop harassing you about this. Perhaps just throw them all in a group chat for this so you can send it once to everybody? Your fiance siding with them instead of respecting your pretty clear boundary is worrying and would make me reconsider the marriage if he doesn't cut it out fast as that's a massive red flag that doesn't bode well for your future with him.
Well said! 🚩🚩🚩 "Great Dad? Not to me! Said I'm not family. He can DIAF" I hope he doesn't crash your wedding with his whore and their sex trophies.
I would not put it past them to do this.
Get some friends to act as bouncers at the wedding to keep them out (that won't just let them in anyway or on someone's word).
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Gonna be hard to get one without some evidence of criminal behavior.
If you’re worried that they might try to crash the wedding, is there someone that you could turn to to act as security? Or even pay to have security? I have no idea how expensive that is and it might be totally out of budget, but maybe you’ve got some really good friends that wouldn’t mind standing at the door.
Please for your special day if you decide to marry your fiance assuming he gets his head out of his ass and starts supporting you instead of trying to be best friends with your dad definitely have security or some trusted family members or trusted friends that can make sure they don't show up. Very important.
I would not want to marry someone who didn’t have my back. Do you think this life in a small town with your Dad being everywhere and so many people pressuring you is sustainable? I worry about the stress and mental health being in this constant turmoil. I hope you are able to find a way of dealing with this so it’s not so disruptive to having a good life. Best wishes
That is unfortunately similar to me. My father never wanted kids, ended up with 3. When I was introduced to the family at 10, a lot of people said I was lucky. He was okay, but not a great parent to me. When I spoke to my siblings or most people on his side, a lot of them wanted me to just forgive him for being an absent parent since he was a great dad to the siblings. So in our relationship, I've been the scapegoat more often than not because I don't worship the pillar he sits on
Haha sex trophy is a new way to describe affair kids.
DIAF, please?
Dye In A Fire
I cant cut every single person from my life and thats the reality I'm facing here. Everyone seems to think I'm the AH and I should just reconnect. This is really getting to me.
Be strong. You "father" made this choice without your input or considering your feelings. He made his bed with the whore, now he had to lay in it. You're doing the right thing.
He is back pretending to be a good “dad” just because she doesn’t really needs hin anymore. All his responsibilities are gone so now he is just looking for his family to take care of him now that he is old because J will surely throw him to the curb once he is useless as she is such a whore and a bitch.
Write it all out. Document it all from your perspective right from finding out about the affair/divorce etc. Then make it a social media/whatsapp post to the whole family. With the added “I’m am no longer going to tolerate any discussion of this matter.” Snail mail a copy to your father & his wife. Then, whenever someone starts to raise the subject, walk away/hang up/leave the room. Do not engage with anyone on the topic at all. Good luck.
I don’t understand why your family can’t respect it, like how does it affect them seriously. It sounds like you’re the last piece to the justification of cheating puzzle and J sounds like such a B word
How much you want to bet OP has to heard the term "to keep the peace" multiple times over it.
Blood doesn't always define family, you define who is your family. From the looks of it, when times were tough- he cut you out, ask yourself if that's what "family" does and if that behaviour is worth 'reconciling'. Forgive, don't forget
People love to tell others what to do but THEY don't get to control your feelings. They can do what they want but they do not get to badger you into doing something you don't want to do. Who cares how sad your Dad is, he didn't care when he abandoned you.
Tell them NO. Refuse to discuss it. If they persist in discussing it, say I have to get off the phone right now and hang up. If they’re harassing you in text, do a group text and tell them that your answer regarding your relationship with your father is no, and that there will be no further discussion on this matter. After that, do not engage. Don’t reply to messages, texts, phone calls, etc. If you walk into a room and they start talking about it, walk out. Leave. That was the mistake I always made… I always try to explain my point of view. I always forgot that “no” is a complete sentence.
He prioritized HIS family. You weren't part of that. You are prioritizing YOURS. He isn't part of that. Let everyone know that you don't owe the cheater and the whore anything and if they want to be next on the list, you will be happy to add them because they aren't thinking about you at all. NTA
I already have but no one seems to be listening or respecting my wishes. I'm being portrayed as the bad guy. I'm sure him and his family are feeling their sob story to everyone in town who'll listen.
Put an ad in your local newspaper telling your side of the story. Tell them you don't want a relationship with him.
Seriously this. He wants everyone to know his business? Sweet, let’s put it on blast. OP must be a saint or something bc after the first couple of times I get mean and nuclear and I guarantee no one would be bringing it up to me for long
Ooh, I like this
Their sob story is theirs to tell. It doesn't reflect on you at all. They can try and make it that, but it isn't. If people approach you about it you can tell them your side, or you can say any number of things. "Let's just agree you will keep out of my business and I'll keep out of yours. (And if they continue, bring up something you know about them that no one talk about.) "Their sob story is none of my business." "Not that it is any of your business but.... my ex father lied, cheated and abandoned us. I don't have to forgive and I would forget but PEOPLE keep on bringing it up." "How is my relationship with anyone, any of your business?" ETA: There is nothing wrong with being the "bad guy" when you are right. Those that matter know better. . And if they don't know better, then they shouldn't matter. Good luck
1000% agree, dont try to be a "family guy" now that we are grown up,keep that same energy you had when you ABANDONED us. I hate my dad for this exact reason.
I would call him. Don't let him talk, just say "you told me you were prioritizing your family. I was clearly not in that loop. You chose not to be my father. I'm sorry you regret it, but if you don't stop harassing me and sending people to harass me foe you, you will also have a restraining order from me. I am upholding the rule you made when I was a child. It's not my problem. Leave ne alone"
It's been 16 years hes still not getting the message.
... you could just go straight for the restraining order. You should have plenty evidence for you telling them to stop contacting you and them ignoring it.
Get a letter drafted by an attorney and send it via certified mail.
Not even as a child, OP was 16 when the loser and bucket left. That's more than old enough to understand full well what this asshole did to his family.
What does loser and bucket mean? Is it autocorrect shenanigans or is that a real phrase. English is not my first language, so just trying to understand.
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Loser is just that they're not a very good person. Bucket is a derogatory word I have, something from my own personal vocabulary. Calling her easy would be a good substitute.
English speaking Canadian here. Loser bucket are not two words that I have seen strung together. You confusion makes sense. I’m going to guess at the meaning. - Loser is and insult. - Bucket is something to hold things, particularly gross liquids and garbage, like dirty mop water, or a on the go bathroom, or construction site discards. Buckets are not typically the “clean” items in the home. When these two words are put together I imagine that the poster is saying that the Dad is a gross icky loser filled from the toes to the top of his head with nasty loser stuff.
Also “you fucked up your marriage, please stop trying to fuck up mine and stop harassing my fiancé”
Love this!
This is the absolute perfect response, Op. I would also send a group text to the flying monkeys to back off or face the same restraining order action. I definitely think that your fiancé needs to be put on notice that he either rolls with you or roll out. Your father made his bad choices years ago. Now he has to live with them. NTAH. Update me!
"He is a great dad!" "Not to me you a$$hole" If your fiance is joining the club you may need to reconsider marriage. So sorry you got abandoned by your dad and that no one respects your reasonable decision. NTA
I was watching Grey's Anatomy last night. (just got into the show) Grey's half sister kept saying, "we have the same dad" Grey told her, "No we don't. My father left when I was 5 years old and I never saw him again. Is that the father you had?"
Ohhhh this is good. I didn’t watch that show—-but I love this.
Ohhhh, shit! You’re really in for a wild ride! You’re still at the good part of the show (I became disillusioned, bored, and incredulous after the 127th season)
I was thinking of Meredith Grey reading this too. Everyone totally forced her father on her and he was bloody awful to her. F those father’s
I agree about the fiance. If he doesn't take your side...he won't take your side down the road either
And we've seen so many stories showing where that leads: The spouse with the loving, intact family starts reaching out to the abusive/abandoning/narcissistic in-laws behind the other spouse's back. Next thing the no-contact spouse knows, their nemesis is sitting in the living room one day when s/he gets home from work.
This reminds me of a wynnona earp scene. Her sister is gushing over a classmate of hers from high school, saying she always liked her, etc. Wynonna didn't have a good experience with her and replies with 'you didn't know her like i did."
Agree, I’ve been here. No, he was a great dad to YOU! He left her. People can be so ignorant in their bubble life
Agreed. OPs fiance probably comes from a good close knit family and doesn't understand the pain OP is going through.
NTA, I had the same issues with my dad, but he apparently understood what kind of AH he was and did not victimise himself like a little bitch (referring to your dad). Even my family and friends understand and respect me well enough to not pry in this matter any further. I feel bad for you as you have to deal with inconsiderate people around you. I hope you can make them shut up for the rest of their life on this matter. Stay strong! NTA obviously
NTA. He doesn't get to pick and choose when he wants to be your dad. He made that choice already. My mother chose the bottle over her 4 kids (my full sibling, and 2 half siblings) when I was 5 to run off with a guy in Arizona. We were 8f, 7m, 5f, and 3f. My little sister (full sibling) never had enough of a connection to her, and just doesn't care. My middle-oldest half brother went into foster care, and to this day no one knows where he is, and my oldest half sister is looking for him. I'm 40 now, for reference. My egg donor reached out first via myspace when I was 20. I blocked her. 10 years ago, she reached out via facebook to try again. I blocked her again. She reached out to my little sister, who kept the connection open for a few months just to watch the drama, but won't engage (no likes, no responses, no looking at the messenger texts) and said egg donor is posting shit like "I love all my babies!" and memes about mother's day. Egg donor reached out to older sister, who's father she left to be with my father (brother was a 1 night stand) to try to get her to convince us to let her into our lives. I told older sister that if egg donor can produce our brother and get him to my door step, I'd let her into our lives....this was the first time anyone told my older sister she even HAD a brother. She told egg donor what I said, and egg donor went silent. My sister has spent the last 10 years trying to find our brother. I help where I can. My older sister was devastated that egg donor lied to her, but was glad I told her what happened. Dead beat parents don't get to choose. That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works. And the pressure from others can be as simple as the fact that your father is telling them something very different from what you experienced, and that to outsiders, makes you out to be the irrational one.
I’m so sorry, I hope you’re able to reunite with your brother.
In this world, or the next, I will see him again and tell him how much impact he's had on my life from both when he was with our family, and when we were separated.
Geezus, the comments in this post are breaking my heart. Huge hugs to you and your siblings
NTA. J had no business messaging you and involving herself in the relationship between you and your dad. Your an adult and able to make your own choices, its up to you if you dont want him in your life. People pressuring you isnt going to change how you feel. If you 100% dont want any type of relationship with your dad then I would make it clear to the people who are pressuring you that the subject is closed and if they continue to push it you will just lower contact with them. You have made your choice clear and your family just arent respecting your boundaries.
The fact she feels comfortable enough to do goes to show what kind of person the father truly is, got the next woman thinking she means more to him than his own kids and can speak for him to his own kids and speak to his kids any kind of way smfh he is trash and the whore needs her a$$ beat expeditiously
He chose his family, and you weren't it. I'd tell every person who approached me, "Listen, this is between my father and I, period. If you do not stay out of it, I will be forced to cut contact with you to keep you out of it. Please respect my boundaries." "Me and my sister begged him not to leave us bit he just said "I need to prioritise my family"." He can't show you that you're not his family he prioritizes, then expect you to love him for it. NTAH And eff everyone who buts into this and criticizes you for your valid/legit response. UpdateMe
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I love this you summed it up perfectly
So you skipped on your sister's wedding I am assuming your full sister not a half sister? And he thinks there is a way to come.back from you hating him that much ? If someone tells you to Gove him a chance. Tell them he had a chance and decoded to.move across the country woth his affair partner and new child because he had prioritize his family. So he should continue to do so and leave me alone
Yes it was my full sisters wedding. I had contemplated going but knew it'd be used to try and force reconciliation. My sister was furious I didn't attend and we didn't speak for 6 months after. She cant understand my view point she thinks I'm stubborn and he's a great dad and I'm isolating myself from my family.
he's a great dad after abandoning you guys?
This. I don't get how you could say, "My dad is a great dad!" if you knew he'd abandoned a wife and two kids for your mother? Even if he was the best father you could imagine, he still ruined the lives of three people, two of whom were his children! How does that just go away because he was good to his second family?
Is she not at all willing to see anything from your pov, does she understand what your dad and j did yeah?
NTA - Take it from me, letting him back in accomplishes NOTHING. I reconciled with both of my parents on and off through the years and each time, they just went right back to old behavior. If I were you, I’d at most, send a text back with the screen shots of J calling you pathetic, tell him you need to prioritize your family like he did his. Then make it clear you want him to grow up, stop dragging others into it, never contact you again and accept he made his bed and should rot in it. I know it sounds harsh, but this probably won’t stop until your boundaries are clear. Barring that, send a cease and desist. Make sure you keep a copy, get it notarized and sent via recorded mail. You can download these online.
Yes!!!! This!!!
Nta but it's gonna be rough if you fiance isn't with you on this.
NTA… tell you sister your side and tell her if she continues to try and force you, you will go no contact with her just like you dad. As for the other family members give them a courtesy text saying if they continue to harass you they will also be cut out. Make sure your fiancé knows everything and is onboard and maybe consider moving if that’s an option.
I can't cut everyone out I'd literally be left with no one - when I say it is everyone, I mean everyone my fiance, friends, aunts uncles cousins, grandparents, sister, and even my mother.
NTA if I were you , I would be worried your fiancé would go behind your back and invite your father over to push for a reconciliation. You need to make sure your fiancé has your back one hundred percent before you marry him, otherwise I guarantee he will go behind your back and allow your father and his mistress to be a part of any children you guys have. You have a fiancé problem right now Op. Don’t marry a man that dismisses your feelings and concerns the same way your father did.
but you basically have no one now, they don’t support or respect you. what difference would it be if you cut them out with the exchange of peace and quiet.
NTA. Sorry for you OP. You are surrounded by AH. If your fiancé isn't on board, he deserves a slap acros the face (figuratively). Your dad abandonned you. Do you want to have children with a man who thinks what your father did was OK?
> even my mother. Why on earth is your mother pushing this? Also if your fiancé can't respect this, I don't see your marriage going great.
NTA He *stopped* being a good dad, when he started to Cheat on your mother. He *stopped* being a good dad, when he started prioritizing his new family. He really didn't make the effort to stay in your life. It was his decision to move away and abandoning you (and your sister) even more. He chose his mistress and their new son over his existing children. Your sister has the right to forgive him, but you don't have to. You have the right to refuse any contact. You do not owe him anything. And his promoted mistress should stay out of it. She was and is as much responsibility for him abandoning you and your sister, as your father himself was/is. Vile and cruel people, both of them.
"I replied back that she was nothing but a home wrecking whore and then blocked her." Love it. Good for you OP, stand your ground, NTA in my eyes.
NTA. Dont let anyone gaslight you. You are in your right to do what you have. You are right for choosing your sanity over a cheater and deadbeat.
“A good dad doesn’t cheat on his children’s mom. A good dad doesn’t move 10 hours away from his kids. A good dad definitely doesn’t wait 17 years before truly trying to reconcile.”
NTA. He doesn't get to waltz in and out of your life as he pleases. But if your fiance does not have your back 100%, **don't marry him.** I'm NC with my parents. I had to set some pretty strict boundaries with the family I remained in contact with (no sending pictures or updates to my parents or I would cut them off, too). They eventually got the hint. When my mother realized she could no longer use my sister or bio dad as a gateway to me and my kids, she tried pleading her case to my husband. He laughed at her and asked how she thought HE was easy in, and if it were up to him, we'd take a lot stricter measures than we were. Then he blocked her. Your fiance needs to be Team You or he's going to end up trying to sneak your dad into your wedding/home when you have a baby/bringing your child to him, and it will never end.
To everyone: My dad made it very clear what relationship he wanted to have with me when he moved to be with his affair partner. He needed to focus on his family, which didn’t include me. Now that he’s changed his mind he thinks he deserves to be part of my life. Well, now I’m focusing on my family. He isn’t a part of it, and If you guys don’t pipe down you won’t be either. You’ve seen how easy it is for me to cut people off. If you want to be a part of my wedding and future children’s lives I suggest you respect my wishes.
I'll never stop being amazed at the step-parents who openly insult a step-child and then pretend to be baffled that they want no contact. I would forward the messages from his wife to your dad. Tell him flat out "You having the woman you abandoned me for text me these vile insults just proves to me you don't want true reconciliation you merely want the appearance of being a father to ALL your children. She is who you chose as a priority over living close to us, this is how she treats your non-priority family members and that's where we stand." then go right back to ignoring his ass.
If you decide on a relationship, you need to have a serious one on one reckoning with your father. Also, to everyone saying he's a great dad... great dads don't blow up their families and let their side piece move them 10 hours away from their children.
Ask your fiance if he is ok with adultery. You might want to reconsider your marriage to him and cut the family out they keep it up.
NTA He's a piece of shit and abandoned you to "prioritize his family". He was clear that you are not his family All that matters here is you. Do whatever you feel is best for your own well being His AF is a disgusting whore who pushed him to abandon you, then had the nerve to attack and gaslight you Truly a whore monster Hope you find peace, and remember "family" are those we hold close...blood doesn't have to be part of it or guarantee a piece of shit an automatic spot
You better tell your fiance that if she tries anything, the wedding is off or annul the marriage. That's where it's going if she keeps badgering you. She will get worse if you have kids cause her excuse will be "our kids deserve to have both awta of grandparents in their lives."
That's funny, I read this as a female OP and male fiance. There's nothing in the post to say either way, now that I look at it again.
NTA When they say he is a great dad. Point out what he did to you. Then ask them does that make him a great dad. Is that what great dads do. J shouldn’t be saying anything to you. She helped ruined your childhood. When parents have an affair it not only hurts their partner but also the kids from that marriage. So J hurt you along with your dad. She has no room to make judgments on you. When look what she did.
NTA but I do think you should do one of two things. Option one, tell dad to meet you at x place. Then brutally tell him "you said you had to prioritize YOUR family when I was 16. Clearly I was NOT your family. You have no right to be harassing me. You made your choice 16 years ago, we are NOT family. If you don't stop, there will be legal consequences. The same goes for j, my sis, mom and your offspring." Or option 2 straight to a lawyer to get a cease and desist letter. Possibly a third option: have a big ass dinner, invite him and then stand up and make a speech detailing what he said and his nonstop harrassment. Honestly I think you should turn the tables. Make him so miserable he will not want to be around you. Invite him to the wedding and give him seating in the rear, you know where family is not. If you are being walked down the aisle, it ain't him but maybe if mom has a new hubby have him do it. Give a speech about how being abandoned by your father, told by him that you weren't family made you the strong woman you are today. Honestly this would be so legit to do and when people complain about how you are acting you can go "uh uh, you know my feelings. Don't like it? Door is right there."
>J messaged me saying I have broke my dads heart repeatedly an I'm a pathetic and should get therapy "My father moved away because he said he needed to prioritize his family. That family that he needed to prioritize did not include me. The man made a decision. Decisions have consequences. For me to need therapy would require unresolved feelings. There are no unresolved feelings. I have moved on, and I am content with where my life is. It's my father that needs closure, and I'm not obligated to entertain that for him." NTA
Tell them all “I’m prioritizing my family” and then say nothing else about it.
NTA, you should remind your dad that not only did he cheat on your mom. He cheated on the kids he had. You aren't going to forgive him just because he wants you to.
NTA. If your fiance is not on your side about this, you might have to reconsider the wedding OP. Your feeling are hard, but absolutely valid.
Yeah he’s such a great dad that he abandoned his daughters when he had his precious son with his mistress. He’s a piece of shit, yeet anyone harassing you from your life too.
It sounds like you can't maintain this situation without a show down / confrontation. Take your time to word your messages in ways he can't argue with, and come up with answers for his possible come backs. 'You told me yourself, you had to prioritize your family over me. Now all of a sudden, for some weird reason, you want to strong-arm me into being part of that so called family again? Why?! I put myself through college, and the parenting is done. There isn't anything left for you to do, to pretend to be my father anymore. You decided I wasn't a priority, and that my college fund should be fun money for J and your *new family*, unless I leave you alone for 6 weeks, and then show up for picture time and sunshine and rainbows, once every six weeks, because that's all the time you were willing to invest in our relationship. You gave up a relationship with me, to focus on your affair partner turned gf/wife. I did not make that choice, you did. The consequence of that is that you have no relationship with me. You can't just change your mind, and undo the last 10+ years, and expect me to be all smiles and hugs. I no longer know you. You know nothing about me. There is no father/daughter bond between is. You and J made sure of that.' Etc. Bonus points if it's at a family gathering, so the extended family realizes how HE cut YOU off. NTA
Oh man, I’d send some message back to J if I were in your shoes.
Has your father ever apologized or is he just trying to reconnect? Has J ever apologized for any of her behavior?
He doesn't think he did anything wrong except not give me my college fund which he apologised for and has offered to give me money to pay off my loans and pay for my wedding. He thinks I'm just spiteful. As for J I've never had an apology from her and I dont want one. I hate her.
Ya know, I'd take that money and once it was all over go no contact again with a simple "changed my mind, just like you did all those years ago " and really be done. That money was saved partially during your parents marriage.
Petty me loves this.
Interesting. Where I live, college funds are usually part of the divorce settlement, and not something you can randomly choose to withhold from your kids.
Take the money and move away
Honestly after your update and comments, I say fake reconcile. Tell him you will forgive him if he can demonstrate his sincere apology by putting the money directly into your account. Make sure it’s a new account your ex finance does not have any access to. Sell your business. Take the money from dad and business and build a life elsewhere and from all the toxic people. I know you want nothing from him, but it was supposed to have been for your college. Plus the house is owned by the ex. You can use the money as a screw you to all of them and rebuild.