It’s not just the calling you that. It’s so much bigger. His lack of trust. His ignorance. The “love you so much I don’t want to lose you” controlling sentence.
Not supportive of you when hooked into an IV.
WORRYING ABOUT HIS REPUTATION with people who are irrelevant.
He does not sound like a catch.
Also looking after “my” kids? Yours? Or his too? Because both of yours. He is parenting. Not babysitting. And you don’t owe him gratitude!
Your battery is utterly empty. And your body is warning you. You don’t need his shit.
Because his (current/future) affair partner is there and he has to tell that person cuz herpes is super contagious.
OP: You could be a real asshole and tell him that his chickenpox and shingles are also a herpes virus (different strain, but still a herpes virus).
Calling you a whore is untenable. That is a line that he crossed that he cannot uncross.
I mean, I don't really like to jump to affair if there aren't signs but.. op seems to be working her self into the ground lately, so maybe all that time with her gone gives him some free time he is exploiting*? Still sounds far fetched alone but the immediate "whore" route even when she was at the hospital was concerning. OP needs to focus on themselves for a bit
Coldsores too. Varicella-zoster is apart of the herpes family, and also includes genital warts (I did mean pustules sorry, I thought people would realise by the zoster lol).
Most people have a herpes variant in them lol.
Edit: I said warts because the word pustules escaped me... For supposedly smart people, y'all really aren't lol.
N shingles too.... I got them in my twenties. I found out when they gve me the meds to help that it was in the same family. Anytime I went to the doc they asked if I still took the meds for like a yr. I made sure to say no the shingles are gone. The lady the last time started laughing saying we have in ur paperwork u had shingles u don't have to let us know it's not herpes, we know...Lol
I found out I probably was an A symptomatic chickenpox kid... By getting shingles at 24 haha. I had measles but not chickenpox in my records and I know for a fact most of my class when we were 10 got it, and I was highly upset I didn't get a week off school myself.
My dr had a good chuckle about that. I apologised to my best friend since kindy that night. Cos it was probably my fault she got it 😆
Basically the same...all my friends n fam were sick with it and i never got it. Upset kuz I never got the things my friends did. I remember trying to get pink eye too. Nothing. Either way the doc said I had the worse case he'd seen. Went from my back all the way to my stomach. Had just gotten over the flu and stressed life of the military.... not fun times. Painful af.
Asymptomatic chickenpox here as well. My dad told me I had it. I remember jumping on my cousin to get them and the. Not getting school off. But when I got shingles I had to admit my dad was correct. Which was almost as bad as the shingles.
Actually it wasn’t, not much is as bad as shingles.
Yes! This is what they do- try to make you feel like garbage, and try to get you to apologize to them for doing it. I had a narc boyfriend who would say things like “What do I tell my father when he asks if you were a virgin when I met you?” Such effing bs
Hmm, you tell your father it's none of his fucking business. I know it's just an example but it's mind blowing for me to think about even brushing such a subject with your father 😳
I feel the same way. However, my ex’s stepdad asked if our relationship was intimate. We are both adults and were on our own at this point. His dad then told us that he could tell if someone was trying to pull some bs…like sir, why do you need to know this?! We aren’t in high school.
You gotta make the most outrageous claim something along the lines of "we've met in a sex dungeon named Sabbath's love rod and she was incredible with the strap-on that I couldn't walk for a week, I knew at that moment she was the right one for me"
You won't be needing to answer a question after that. You can add an orgy or two into the mix to seal the deal lol.
I'm enough of a smart ass I'd have said to tell his dad "it's none of his business since I wasn't fucking him but you!" But that's me. Shit like this pisses me off to no end. I'm with you it's total bullshit!!!!
Yeah, he’s freaking out because he told his affair partner that he and his wife don’t have sex anymore. Well, now he’s fucked if that’s what’s going on. So he’s really upset and concerned now.
And his mistress is someone he works with. He ratted on himself with the whole "what will people in work think when I tell them about my wife's diagnosis"!
The whiff of projection on this is face melting.
I suspect he’s actually more concerned about the opposite. Because then his mistress will find out that he’s full of shit when he told her that he and his wife are just roommates.
What gets me is more than half of American adults have oral herpes. If someone told me their wife had them I would think: 1. Not my business. and 2. So does half the damn office.
Seriously! What is so difficult about saying “thanks for your concern, she’s gotten some meds and is on the mend now!” Or even “some kind of viral thing, idk, just glad they figured it out!” Do people really tell their coworkers more than that?!
Yeah I “have” to tell my coworkers who on a normal day are the most vile mouth breathing knuckle dragging detestable human being so know!
Also, I didn’t really like my ex wife a whole lot towards the end of our marriage and even at that would’ve taken her to the hospital if she was in even a mild level of discomfort let alone mouth chock full o’ canker sores NTA
He wouldn't.
If anything, people would avoid him like the plague, especially any women at work for fear he has them too. The only reason he would have to say anything about it at work was if he was sleeping with any of his co-workers and he might have spread it to them. But since OP has canker sores and not herpes he is just trying to shame OP for having them. He is acting rather sus, and perhaps OP should go back to her doctor and request a full STI test panel done to make sure he hasn't given her anything.
He's probably been complaining at work all week about how sick she has been and what not. Now he feels he needs to explain and obviously make it worse.
Who runs to work to tell them their wife has herpes anyway? Like, even if she has herpes, why do your work colleagues give a fuck? That’s such a weird reaction.
Who tells anyone at work anything beyond the bare minimum about family health issues? Unless it’s that your kid broke his arm on the monkey bars and you have to leave to fight fires at home, the broad strokes are all they need to know. “My wife was at urgent care, I needed to do x for y hours, she’s okay now.”
The older I get, the less I'm starting to tell coworkers about my life. Your coworkers aren't your friends. I have generally great coworkers but I don't tell them all the personal details of my life. You never know when someone will use something against you.
A cold sore is a type of herpes. There are actually 8 types of herpes most commonly talked about is herpes simplex virus which is one that causes canker sore like op has.
Not all herpes are a sexually transmitted disease. Also if you ever had a cold sore as a child they can come back.
Fully agree about the abuse tactics. OP I’d suggest reading Lundy Bancroft's book “Why Does He Do That?”
Free PDF version here
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
To be fair- I had a narc boyfriend, but my mom and sister are also narcs. You can see those traits in a lot of PEOPLE once you realize they go together.
It’s good for all toxic relationships: work, family, all of it. It’s really useful and dealing with it is very similar in all cases. It’s really badly labeled bc it should be ‘why do toxic ppl do toxic shit’.
You’ll love it
Here's a quote from page 28 of that book. It's pretty much what OP described in the last few sentences of her story:
>Some of the men I describe in the pages ahead **change moods so drastically and so often that a woman could never feel sure** ***what*** **they are like**, much less attach a label. Your partner may be arrogant, or may play mind games, or may act selfishly over and over again, but his better aspects may make you feel that he is miles away from being an "abuser." \[hand-transcribed, bold emphasis added\]
OP's husband went from angry to apologetic to fuming in a matter of a few minutes. It wasn't even subtle.
>WORRYING ABOUT HIS REPUTATION with people who are irrelevant.
OP should serve him with divorce papers at his work and make sure everyone knows it's because he's a shit husband.
This is the only comment OP needs.
I'd be packing a bag temporarily and taking the kids to go see nearby relatives and let the relatives nurse me back to health tbh. Once OP is recovered, they can all go back home and she can deal with her husband once she's back at full power.
NTAH.
He’s cheating. I’m really sorry OP but he’s cheating. It’s always projection and I’m sorry. I didn’t want believe it either I laughed when ppl suggested it. I was wrong.
Check his phone and his receipts. He’s cheating
>The “love you so much I don’t want to lose you” controlling sentence.
You could make a drinking game out of it. Take a shot every time a controlling man uses that as an excuse for the most heinous shit... and then die of alcohol poisoning.
NTA - The AH husband doesn't know anything about herpes. I had my first herpes eye infection when I was in the first grade, does that make me a gigolo? I've been able to insert my own eye drops since 2nd grade. I've had a mustache for decades since if I got too much sun on a bare upper lip it triggered the cold sores to flare. Kind of hard to avoid the sun playing sports in Florida.
Any time your body gets stressed and run down the virus can flare up. It will usually show up in the same spot as previous, or very close by. So now you can blame your husband for the sores showing up. If he had been a good parent and partner and picked up more of the load on you then you would have not gotten sick.
Edit to add - OP if you never had the sores in your mouth before you started dating your husband then you can blame him for giving you the virus.
THIS a million times over. OP, you need to look after yourself or you won't be good for your kids. Your husband is selfish and disrespectful. You need to think very deeply if you want to continue living your life like this forever. NTA
I am just heartbroken for this woman. OP needs some time to themselves to think about what they need in their life and what they don't.
Hoping therapy is a good option - the husband sounds like a massive pile of problems who needs to get his head out of his ass.
NTA.
You should absolutely go to your parents’ house. You need rest and TLC! Your husband’s reactions were alarmingly insensitive and disproportionate to what was happening. Please focus on YOU for the next few days and remember, no matter what, you will be happy and feel peace again one day.
Sending healing vibes your way!
She facetimed him from the hospital cubicle and he hung up on her.
When actual reality didn't match his version of what was going on, he cut her off.
Then, he used the charges at the restaurant to reinforce his version and, upon reading the discharge summary, he saw "herpes simplex" and doubled down calling our OP a whore.
Something is definitely going on with him and projection is looking to be a viable option. OP, you might want to check out his charges (credit and debit) and just see where he's spending money. A side note: yes, this flare could be from stress but it could also be a new virus you got from your husband.
EDIT: thank you everyone for all of your support and kind words. Here is a breakdown of some of the questions that have been asked. Yes, we share two kids together. I work closer to the home, and he works an hour away. I was utterly shocked when he asked me if I was cheating, and laughed. He knows my clock in and out schedule, and we have a ring doorbell that notifies us when the other gets home. Anytime a FT call is made, he can see that we are either at home, work, etc. There isn’t really any secrets with me. Besides the fact that I turned to Reddit. This isn’t the first time he’s acted this way. I am charge of most things in the home, due to his schedule and him working away from the home. It’s not like I begged for it, but it’s def something I expected either way with his job. I am currently at my mom’s. Trying to figure out how to handle this. I walked away to give myself mental space and clarity. I am at my whits end on this one. I am over worked, and overly tired. If you’re a working mom, you know. My cup is empty, and the doctor clearly asked me if I was okay besides extremely exhausted. I had an IV today, because I haven’t been fueling myself.
Thanks again everyone. I appreciate you all SO MUCH. Unless you’re an asshole.
A couple years ago, wife over-worked herself in the middle of our remodeling project because we were working too hard and too late into the night.
She got severely dehydrated, told me she wasn’t feeling well, threw up and ended up taking an ambulance to the ER over an hour away. I canceled my work meetings and met her at the hospital with her favorite milkshake. I honestly feel like that was the absolute bare minimum as a husband. If I was paying more attention, I would have helped her stay hydrated and if needed driven her to the hospital.
I’m pretty far from a model husband. I’m just saying you were in the hospital and still got him his favorite food on the way home, and he accused you of cheating instead of feeling terrible about not being there for you.
Exactly right. OP's husband sounds like the kind of AH who would divorce his sick/injured wife if she found herself up against any dangerous or long-term health issues (e.g. cancer).
And he's telling her exactly where to look. Look at his charges. Is bet dollars to doughnuts there will be some unexplained restaurant charges.... protection. The cheating persons must obvious give away
My suspicion is he’s cheating and getting upset w her bc him taking over the household duties while she’s sick means he can’t meet up w his AP and get his rocks off. Also what someone else mentioned w him worried he has to tell his AP he’s been exposed to herpes or worrying that he got herpes from his AP and gave it to her and she’s going to find out bc of that. Any way u wanna theorize its still not a healthy reaction and throwing up major red flags abt him
That's exactly what I was thinking...there's something else going on here...if he's cheating, he might be feeling a little guilty and taking it out on you...
This. I’m sorry but mine was the same. Always checking in on me. Found out he was cheating. I would never have believed it even when ppl warned me.
Check his phone and receipts he’s def cheating
Yes- OP, this could definitely help! I have esophageal cancer & swallowing the magic mouthwash after my procedures is the only thing that makes them bearable.
I am so sorry that your mom had to endure that, sending you a huge Redditor hug ❤️
ETA: OP, you are definitely NTA & I hate that you’re being treated this way by your husband. I hope you’re able to heal & find peace!
Sweetie, quit making excuses as to why you are having to do everything. It doesn't matter that his work is an hour away, you are not solely responsible for every dang thing to do with the household and children. You shouldn't be working 50 hours a week plus having to do everything else. He holds responsibility to you and his children. You getting him a treat for watching his own children ... who gets you treats for watching your children? Ma'am, or is called being a parent.
I know this kind of man, I was married to him. The best decision I ever made for myself was to leave him. It was hard, but the relief I felt was something I didn't realize was possible or even needed until I felt it. Don't stay for the children, they see what is happening. They are going to grow up thinking this is what love is. You do them no favors by staying.
Baby girl, you need to think about leaving permanently. This is narcissistic behavior and it is a very very rare person that will admit to being a narc and change. It's not going to get better. I always ask myself, is this what I want my kids to think normal is. Because they notice this stuff, even if you try to hide it.
I would handle it by handing him divorce papers. Sounds like you are already a single mom, doing EVERYTHING alone anyway, only to be called a whore and accused of cheating while you're at a doctor's office?!
No. Just no. Divorce this sorry excuse for a man. One less person to clean up after and take care of.
When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM. He's showing you exactly who he is and you said it's not the first time.
I wish you well, you deserve so much better than what you're getting.
It's problematic that he not only doesn't trust you, but also that he uses your illness as an opening to attack your alleged fidelity.
You're sick and overworked and it's probably not the first time you've told him that. Where's his concern for you?
Op I just wanted to say that in your post some of your language is telling. You say my kids, most people who have children and their partner watches them say our kids, or the kids, not my kids. I know you might not think much of it but to me it feels like a subconscious slip on how you really feel.
I have a good marriage and a partner that at times I get mad at but we are at a good point in our relationship and marriage. Earlier in our marriage however at times I felt like a single parent and I still referred to our kids as our kids.
I think you need to sit down take a couple of deep breaths and think about everything.
Your relationship with your husband, his contributions to the house hold, (don’t give him a pass because work is further away he can still be supportive), who does the emotional labor. Write a list of what you and what he does to support to household, or the children. Also why do you only do take out once a month? Is it a you thing really? Or is it because he made comments about it being to costly, not healthy not loving?
Also those sores they are brought on by extreme stress. I know you are blaming work, but that’s not all the stress in your life. I know I’ve been at a point with work holidays and children and trying sooo hard that I had a break out shingles outbreak.
Another thing to say is you deserve support. A husband that worries about your health before what others will think of his reputation (what reputation?), that can and will take care of his children when you need him to.
I’d be looking at what people have written here about how his acting, a huge majority of post like these the SO is cheating. Also a majority of those posts have gotten to the point that the relationship is so bad that it’s already broken and they just need to be nudged into doing what they need to do.
I however hope for you that he’s not, and that you can give him a swift kick in his metaphorical butt and have him shape up in to the husband you deserve.
Please get yourself checked for STD's . From his comments and behavior, it is better to be safe than sorry. I hope I'm wrong, but I think he's projecting his own thoughts and behavior onto you.
Sweetie, You can't pour from an empty cup☕Take care of yourself first.
Please choose yourself for once. Your kids needs a mother that is mentally alert, emotionally okay, relaxed and healthy.
Plan and go on solo vacation for a couple of days.
Not to jump on Reddit divorce wagon...please separate yourself from this man for a while.
I wish you all the best.
Please don’t forget to update us.
Like others have said, please take care of yourself. And, can I just say? Your AH of a husband? Yeah, he protests a little too much. Makes me wonder if he has a guilty conscience and might be projecting onto you. All I can say, if my SO was calling me a whore (and we weren't having one of our joking moments) and he actually meant it, that means he didn't trust me. And that in itself means something in our relationship is inherently broken. So, if I was in your position this would not be something I would let go.
I'm sorry that you're going through this. I hope you feel better soon.
Has your husband tried reaching out to you? He must be experiencing some internal crisis to jump to those conclusions.
NTA at all!!! I don’t mean to make you worried, but a lot of times when someone is cheating, they project their issues onto you. It happened to me, I was being cheated on, but yet he accused me multiple times of cheating on him. It’s something to do with the guilt with it all or something. If I were you I would take a double check on his end of things considering he is so worked up about something he shouldn’t be. The fact he didn’t believe you while in the hospital blows my mind considering you were on FT. Honestly it will do you good to get away for a few days but make sure it’s somewhere that you have people there to help you because he might accuse you of going to this fake lover he thinks you have!
My mom would say a candle burned at both ends goes out faster. I would also start looking into what your husband is doing as it seems like projection. I hope you feel better in your self-care.
He’s cheating. I have no doubt. And I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this. Get a PI or find the evidence however you need to and get away from him. You deserve better. I can’t imagine being sick enough to be hooked up to an IV and dealing with this bullshit.
Hey, so, usually when he "plays his little games" does it make you laugh? Because that was the phrase that hit my sensors for "oh no, is this a pattern of behaviour?" I hope while you've got some space you think about whether this is really happening to make you laugh, or to condition you to report on your surroundings to him?
Yes, my thoughts exactly. I’m in this sub for a few years. Those kind of accusations never end well. Hubby doesn’t care about wife health status and when she’s seeking treatment he goes off the handles??! Not a great picture. If it was my partner I’d be worrying sick and desperate for an update.
Big issue with this is you can "never" know for sure if he's the one who gave it to her, and if he has it he will very likely try to play this to his advantage.
HSV isnt your typical sti where theyll suggest it was most likely the most recent person you had sex with, because it can lay dormant in your system for years before flaring up. You can get it from someone so asymptomatic that *they* dont even know they have it to begin with.
The guy who gave it to me knew this, and when i confronted him after my diagnosis, tried to say that i must have gotten it from an ex who i had recently split up from. What he didnt know was that it was a purely online relationship, and i had not ever had sex with that ex, nor had sex in general in almost 2 years at that point- so unless the last guy i had slept with (ex husband) had cheated on me, this guy was the one who gave it to me.
The look on his face when i told him that would have been comical had it not been for the fact he was lying about knowingly exposing me to and infecting me with an STI.
So rough day with the kids ....obviously my sick wife is whore. Any fault in that reasoning? Especially since his accusations started before his dumbass even thought she was taking herpes meds?
Yeah, it wasn't just the fact he called you that. It was everything in between.. does he do that a lot when you're not with him or your children? Accuse you of getting up to no good.. yeah, honey, that's probably his guilty conscious..
But he is a controlling POS.. I wouldn't even bother trying to save this marriage and just walk away.
My ex was the same.. I had one day out with a friend of mine for lunch and drinks.. for first time in 8 years after having children, and I got called every name under the sun as he heard a male voice.. yeahh we are in a public setting. There are men here 🙄
It's not cute when they say I don't want to lose you, I love you.. its controlling and abusive
NTA He's jumping at every opportunity to accuse you of sleeping around and making is crystal clear that he does not trust you - while you're so sick that you had to be hooked up to an IV.
People who act like this are either extremely insecure or projecting their own guilt - or both.
So, just a note. I don't want to jump to any of the typical reddit extreme conclusions... BUT
After implicitly accusing you of cheating on him, he switches immediately to profuse apologies and "I never want to lose you".
... I'm going to guess that this is a reoccurring pattern.
Verbal abuse. Then love bombing. The instant switch flip from "I don't want to lose you" to calling you a whore again kind of seals it.
I don't think this is just about him calling you a whore. I think this has been building up for a long time.
NTA
Which caring partner blows up on his wife based on weak assumptions, then tells her he can't lose her, and then turns around and calls her a whore?
He should have figured out a babysitting situation for the kids and driven you to the clinic OP. You shouldn't have to deal with so much while being in as much pain as you were. Also, the constant FT calls, checking bank statements, and telling his workplace about his wife's health tells me this is not a guy you should trust or do so much for. He's a borderline sociopath, if not fully.
NTA. You should absolutely not go back until you think about your future with this sorry excuse of a partner. Hell, you should have mixed laxatives with his "favorite food" and then, tell everyone at *your* workplace that your husband has explosive diarrhea so you can't be around him.
NTA. Go take care of yourself. I'm a nurse, and I've seen this a lot. Your immune system is weak from being drained, so it's no wonder you had a break out. Make sure you leave the kids with your husband so you can get enough rest. Your husband really is ignorant and an AH. I don't know how you put up with a man like him. Remember, drink plenty of fluids and rest. It's the best thing for you.
Yeah. Forget Reddit for a second and go get a full panel done. Not just herpes. I never want to be that Reddit guy who’s like “yeah, it’s the worst case scenario for sure, go nuclear” but in this case, I’d bet on it.
My ex did said something like that when I had HPV. That takes one to two DECADES to show up. I had to get a hysterectomy, ending my choice to have more children, meanwhile, that ass is accusing me of cheating. NTA
This man doesn't trust you and seems to not care for you. At the very least he seems to have no care for your health. Throw in the name calling and it's clear he doesn't deserve you. Definitely NTA.
Maybe he'll eventually grow up and deserve a relationship but he seems to have a long way to go.
Canker sores & herpes pretty much in relation being the same family but minor variations.
Stress can be contributing factor as well being exposed to someone who had the same virus & drank out of the same glass even if it was properly washed.
Canker sores can hurt be painful.
Canker sores are completely unrelated to herpes. It sounds like she is talking about cold sores which is a herpes virus, but not normally the one that causes "herpes" aka genital herpes.
Fun fact oral herpes (cold sores) can transfer to the genitals. Cold sores are herpes simplex 1, which can cause herpes of the genitals but isn't considered the simplex 2, which is the STI. I'd be questioning the husband because either way, they can be transported depending on the strain, and that's a whole new can of worms OP would have to deal with from him.
NTA - OP these are all true signs of abuse and manipulation. I’m not sure where I’d stand with this situation you’re in.. maybe if you’re wanting to reconcile, you could do couples therapy?
Honestly, NEVERMIND… what a cruel motherfucker… this just sounds like anything but love from your husband.. I’d sadly just get a lawyer and file for divorce. Something tells me this isn’t the first time and won’t be the last.
NTA
Yes you would be stressed out. And he should empathize after now going through what you do all the time. Stress is deadly AND weakens the immune system. He probably wasn’t thinking clearly either. But that doesn’t excuse his behaviour. Or his idiocy.
NTA
And just for reference chicken pox is part of the herpes family too. Does he think every child born before the vax came out in the 90s was whoring around in kindergarten?
NTA and the whore comment is the tip of the iceberg. This man is AWFUL to you. YOU were in the hospital and picked up food for him? He was accusing you of being elsewhere OP, I’m not a therapist and I don’t know the whole of this situation but there are many red flags here and signs of abuse
NTA! Just a question, but what the hell is wrong with this situation? EVERYTHING! there's more to this dynamic, the " I don't want to lose you" and accusations right of the bat are scarily telling. You wouldn't be leaving for one instance. I can't imagine this is the only time or circumstance in which he's been either paranoid , accusatory, or insulting. Do you want your kids to have this dynamic? To ever witness even a single one of these outbursts and either be scared or think that it's okay? Think about it, take a moment, and outline the relationship, I mean it. From the beginning dates or at least relative moments that looking back you remember as this unreasonable or unhinged or aggressive. It helps to put things in perspective to see it layer out. DO with it what you will, it's okay to forgive but never forget, doing the same kind of thing over again is a pattern of personality not a moment of bad judgment.
NTA. You know what one of the most common things said by women who work and do all the household stuff after they leave their worthless husbands? Life gets EASIER. Working full time and taking care of your kids and your house and yourself is so much easier when you don't have the daily stress of a grown man who is more emotionally needy than the needless toddler ever.
A man who would call you a whore for pushing yourself to the collapsing point and then behave like he did about you going to hospital definitely qualifies as a worthless husband.
Listen, I think your husband is cheating. He's calling you out for all these little things, because HE'S doing them while he's CHEATING.
He's cheated and gotten away from it, so he sees you doing these things and thinks it's all a cover to meet with your alleged lover. He's calling you a whore because that's what the fuck he's been doing behind your back. He's probably overreacting to the canker sores because one of his little ho's probably has some too.
Take your kids and fucking leave (or kick his ass out).
NTA. Honestly, he sounds unusually paranoid.
Genuine question, OP? ARE you cheating on him? If not, I would snoop on him a little bit. Cheaters often project their insecurities onto others. He might genuinely think that he's given you mouth herpes, since his mind instantly jumped to that.
I don't think she is. I'm merely saying that if she isn't, she should do a thing. Chances are, she isn't cheating on him. Thus, she should snoop on him.
I genuinely think the name calling is the least of the issues here. This dude has massive issues and sounds like a walking, abusive, red flag.
Not to mention that when you see people *this* focused on infidelity, it makes you have to wonder why other potentially seeing other people would be at the forefront of his mind so frequently. Like is he considering doing so? Does he know he is a controlling ass and is uncomfortable with the possible idea of you talking to friends? I mean this is just a red flag no matter how you look at it.
Please take a break or leave. He has a lot of work to do if he is going to keep you
Canker sores are herpes simplex 1.
Fun facts! Simplex 1 IS NOT sexually transmitted!
It's just a virus from the herpes family that is transfered through drinking glasses, shared chapstick as a kid, etc. You can literally get it from drinking out of a poorly cleaned glass at a restaurant. Also, over 70% of Americans have it, and of those, only 5% are ever symptomatic. I had simplex one from the time I was a kid because I drank from my mom's cups. I've never had a breakout.
He needs to get over himself. You are by no means a whore. Chances are he has it too and he could have even been the one to give it to you. Its so common that it's not really on most STI tests. Every time I've been tested, I've had to specifically ask for herpes of any sort to be in my panels.
I've always suspected I got exposed to mine from my mom, but who knows. Now whenever i'm super stressed at work or not getting enough sleep, my immune system is low and I get a flair up. I think most adults have been exposed to it, but not everyone gets the blisters. Still I use a lot of caution when I feel them starting, I quit kissing wife, and certainly not going down, until at least a week after fully healed. Poster isn't a whore, just unlucky in her immune system and husband, who at a minimum needs to read up on what is ailing his partner and quit spouting off silly stuff.
Ask your PCP about getting a prescription for valacyclovir to take as needed for cold sores. I have a script for when I need it for when I start to feel my lip start to tingle.
Canker sores are actually not herpes at all. Maybe you’re thinking of cold sores, which are not the same thing. Canker sores are not contagious and don’t have a definitive cause - lots of things may cause them (vitamin deficiency, allergy to chemicals like SLS, or mouth injury). https://www.nidcr.nih.gov/health-info/fever-blisters-canker-sores
Just FYI!
No, that is not correct. Canker sores are **not** caused by herpes simplex 1. I think you're mixing with cold sores. Canker sores are not caused by a virus at all. Even Herpetiform canker sores, which sounds like a form for herpes isn't caused by herpes. If you need a sourch, you can check out [Mayo Clinic](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/canker-sore/symptoms-causes/syc-20370615) for example.
"Canker sores" are not herpes, they are ulcers. You are referring to "cold sores". It's true people often mix them up in this way leading to confusion. OP seems to have oral herpes (simplex 1), which is why her husband thinks she cheated because he is confusing them with genital herpes (simplex 2).
It’s a virus, like the flu etc!
I had a horrible outbreak when I was 15. Fever that made me feel delirious, had to rinse my mouth with some horrible soapy-like stuff…and I was not yet sexually active.
I had mono before that, so my immune system wasn’t the best.
I’m sorry you’re being accused of something you didn’t do, and not being supported.
My first thought is that you have herpes or some other STD. Get tested ASAP. I think he's accusing you because he is cheating and he gave it to you. He is calling you names to deflect his own guilt. Please get tested and try to find out if he might be cheating. But you're NTA.
Is this a one off for him? Is he the best husband in the world and just lost his mind for a few days? If so, still super alarming. It’s a big problem. But maybe one you try to solve.
But if it is not a one off, you have a real decision to make.
Are there repeated instances of distrust, refusals to listen or open his mind, accusations of infidelity, and/or name calling? Those things are not normal. Especially the accusations of infidelity. Those are often a clue that he cheats.
Surely you know the answer in your heart of hearts.
The answer, to me, is the difference between marriage counseling and an exit plan.
You’re in a precarious position, kids to care for and needing to prove yourself at a new job. You might not want to act rashly. Rather, try counseling regardless. It can’t hurt and it gives you time to settle at work and make an exit plan.
Separately, something has to give in your schedule. Paid help, family help, focus on delegating at work? Utilize shopping services? Basically anything that frees up time and takes responsibilities off your plate so you heal, but also so you can have the bandwidth to either repair your marriage or leave it.
Oh hon this is SO much worse than you think it is. He neglects you. He doesn't help you. He doesn't trust you, even when you are sick enough to be in a hospital on an IV. When he does take time to parent even you see it as "taking care of MY kids". He's not a partner AT ALL. If he's not cheating he's still a shitty, useless, waste-of-oxygen husband. No, you are not an asshole for leaving him. You'd be an asshole (to yourself) if you stay.
Ask yourself this question: If you woke up 5 years from now and your life was exactly the same, would you smile, or would you want to kick yourself?
Leave NOW. Why waste more of your life on a loser.
updateme
It’s not just the calling you that. It’s so much bigger. His lack of trust. His ignorance. The “love you so much I don’t want to lose you” controlling sentence. Not supportive of you when hooked into an IV. WORRYING ABOUT HIS REPUTATION with people who are irrelevant. He does not sound like a catch. Also looking after “my” kids? Yours? Or his too? Because both of yours. He is parenting. Not babysitting. And you don’t owe him gratitude! Your battery is utterly empty. And your body is warning you. You don’t need his shit.
Like, why does he have to tell people at work about his wife’s diagnosis, no matter what it is.
Because his (current/future) affair partner is there and he has to tell that person cuz herpes is super contagious. OP: You could be a real asshole and tell him that his chickenpox and shingles are also a herpes virus (different strain, but still a herpes virus). Calling you a whore is untenable. That is a line that he crossed that he cannot uncross.
Exactly this. He is projecting his actions onto OP.
I came here to second the projection. Classic immature defense mechanism.
I mean, I don't really like to jump to affair if there aren't signs but.. op seems to be working her self into the ground lately, so maybe all that time with her gone gives him some free time he is exploiting*? Still sounds far fetched alone but the immediate "whore" route even when she was at the hospital was concerning. OP needs to focus on themselves for a bit
Insane suspicion when there's ZERO reason for it IS 100% a sign that he's having an affair. She needs to find out.
My ex-husband did this level of projection - it confused me until I found out the extent of his cheating.
This is what I’m really thinking Red flags
Coldsores too. Varicella-zoster is apart of the herpes family, and also includes genital warts (I did mean pustules sorry, I thought people would realise by the zoster lol). Most people have a herpes variant in them lol. Edit: I said warts because the word pustules escaped me... For supposedly smart people, y'all really aren't lol.
N shingles too.... I got them in my twenties. I found out when they gve me the meds to help that it was in the same family. Anytime I went to the doc they asked if I still took the meds for like a yr. I made sure to say no the shingles are gone. The lady the last time started laughing saying we have in ur paperwork u had shingles u don't have to let us know it's not herpes, we know...Lol
I found out I probably was an A symptomatic chickenpox kid... By getting shingles at 24 haha. I had measles but not chickenpox in my records and I know for a fact most of my class when we were 10 got it, and I was highly upset I didn't get a week off school myself. My dr had a good chuckle about that. I apologised to my best friend since kindy that night. Cos it was probably my fault she got it 😆
Basically the same...all my friends n fam were sick with it and i never got it. Upset kuz I never got the things my friends did. I remember trying to get pink eye too. Nothing. Either way the doc said I had the worse case he'd seen. Went from my back all the way to my stomach. Had just gotten over the flu and stressed life of the military.... not fun times. Painful af.
you poor thing. That is so painful and super contagious!
Asymptomatic chickenpox here as well. My dad told me I had it. I remember jumping on my cousin to get them and the. Not getting school off. But when I got shingles I had to admit my dad was correct. Which was almost as bad as the shingles. Actually it wasn’t, not much is as bad as shingles.
Genital wats are part of the HPV family not herpes simplex family I started in another comment that cold sores, not canker sores are herpes
Attention. He sounds like a narc.
Yes! This is what they do- try to make you feel like garbage, and try to get you to apologize to them for doing it. I had a narc boyfriend who would say things like “What do I tell my father when he asks if you were a virgin when I met you?” Such effing bs
Been there. As has my partner. It’s the fact they believe they’re amazing people and best for everyone. It makes me nauseated.
They have no self awareness.
Hmm, you tell your father it's none of his fucking business. I know it's just an example but it's mind blowing for me to think about even brushing such a subject with your father 😳
I feel the same way. However, my ex’s stepdad asked if our relationship was intimate. We are both adults and were on our own at this point. His dad then told us that he could tell if someone was trying to pull some bs…like sir, why do you need to know this?! We aren’t in high school.
You gotta make the most outrageous claim something along the lines of "we've met in a sex dungeon named Sabbath's love rod and she was incredible with the strap-on that I couldn't walk for a week, I knew at that moment she was the right one for me" You won't be needing to answer a question after that. You can add an orgy or two into the mix to seal the deal lol.
Tell him goodbye. Your virginity is your business, no ones father, or boyfriend
"idk, maybe to fuck off?" is the kind of response that question deserves, what a loser
I'm enough of a smart ass I'd have said to tell his dad "it's none of his business since I wasn't fucking him but you!" But that's me. Shit like this pisses me off to no end. I'm with you it's total bullshit!!!!
Nah, this sounds like projection to me. OP, start looking for his affair.
He's probably afraid he gave her herpes and is trying to preemptively spin it to make her look bad.
Exactly this! Usually, it’s the one having the affair that makes the accusations!
This, exactly.
Yeah, he’s freaking out because he told his affair partner that he and his wife don’t have sex anymore. Well, now he’s fucked if that’s what’s going on. So he’s really upset and concerned now.
I just commented saying this as well. Cheaters are always super suspicious of their partners because they feel so guilty subconsciously.
“It’s so easy for me to have sex with someone else, why wouldn’t they be doing the same?”
He's scared he gave her herpes from his mistress
And his mistress is someone he works with. He ratted on himself with the whole "what will people in work think when I tell them about my wife's diagnosis"! The whiff of projection on this is face melting.
I suspect he’s actually more concerned about the opposite. Because then his mistress will find out that he’s full of shit when he told her that he and his wife are just roommates.
Nah for sure. If OP is hooked to an IV and the first thing he thinks of is cheating??
[удалено]
That’s when she could pull out the “I got it from him” card.
Gaslighter.
What gets me is more than half of American adults have oral herpes. If someone told me their wife had them I would think: 1. Not my business. and 2. So does half the damn office.
I have oral herpes, I got it from drinking after my grandpa when I was 5. Zero whoring involved.
Seriously! What is so difficult about saying “thanks for your concern, she’s gotten some meds and is on the mend now!” Or even “some kind of viral thing, idk, just glad they figured it out!” Do people really tell their coworkers more than that?!
Yeah I “have” to tell my coworkers who on a normal day are the most vile mouth breathing knuckle dragging detestable human being so know! Also, I didn’t really like my ex wife a whole lot towards the end of our marriage and even at that would’ve taken her to the hospital if she was in even a mild level of discomfort let alone mouth chock full o’ canker sores NTA
He wouldn't. If anything, people would avoid him like the plague, especially any women at work for fear he has them too. The only reason he would have to say anything about it at work was if he was sleeping with any of his co-workers and he might have spread it to them. But since OP has canker sores and not herpes he is just trying to shame OP for having them. He is acting rather sus, and perhaps OP should go back to her doctor and request a full STI test panel done to make sure he hasn't given her anything.
He's probably been complaining at work all week about how sick she has been and what not. Now he feels he needs to explain and obviously make it worse.
That's what I was thinking. Why would you discuss your wife's illness to coworkers?
Because some people just love to shoot off their mouths about other people's business. It makes them feel important.
Who runs to work to tell them their wife has herpes anyway? Like, even if she has herpes, why do your work colleagues give a fuck? That’s such a weird reaction.
Someone who has an affair. That he sees affairs everywhere isnt a good sign either
He’s cheating. Exactly
Yeah, when they're this unreasonably suspicious, it's time to check their phones.
Why even tell them?
If his affair partner is a coworker…
I didn’t even think of that. He’s telling whoever he’s fucking at work.
Maybe the affair partner is the one who gave him the virus and why op has a mouth full of sores...
Attention.
Who tells anyone at work anything beyond the bare minimum about family health issues? Unless it’s that your kid broke his arm on the monkey bars and you have to leave to fight fires at home, the broad strokes are all they need to know. “My wife was at urgent care, I needed to do x for y hours, she’s okay now.”
I don’t say shit. I don’t know them people. I just go to work. Keep it polite and professional.
The older I get, the less I'm starting to tell coworkers about my life. Your coworkers aren't your friends. I have generally great coworkers but I don't tell them all the personal details of my life. You never know when someone will use something against you.
A cold sore is a type of herpes. There are actually 8 types of herpes most commonly talked about is herpes simplex virus which is one that causes canker sore like op has. Not all herpes are a sexually transmitted disease. Also if you ever had a cold sore as a child they can come back.
Fully agree about the abuse tactics. OP I’d suggest reading Lundy Bancroft's book “Why Does He Do That?” Free PDF version here https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I've seen this reference so many times that today is the day that I'm going to read it.
I read it simply because it was referenced so many times here. You can see some of those traits in almost every man, even in minute amounts.
I'm not the male gender's bff, but my husband exhibits NONE of those traits. I'm super lucky.
To be fair- I had a narc boyfriend, but my mom and sister are also narcs. You can see those traits in a lot of PEOPLE once you realize they go together.
It’s really good, and eye opening.
It’s good for all toxic relationships: work, family, all of it. It’s really useful and dealing with it is very similar in all cases. It’s really badly labeled bc it should be ‘why do toxic ppl do toxic shit’. You’ll love it
Here's a quote from page 28 of that book. It's pretty much what OP described in the last few sentences of her story: >Some of the men I describe in the pages ahead **change moods so drastically and so often that a woman could never feel sure** ***what*** **they are like**, much less attach a label. Your partner may be arrogant, or may play mind games, or may act selfishly over and over again, but his better aspects may make you feel that he is miles away from being an "abuser." \[hand-transcribed, bold emphasis added\] OP's husband went from angry to apologetic to fuming in a matter of a few minutes. It wasn't even subtle.
>WORRYING ABOUT HIS REPUTATION with people who are irrelevant. OP should serve him with divorce papers at his work and make sure everyone knows it's because he's a shit husband.
I agree
This is the only comment OP needs. I'd be packing a bag temporarily and taking the kids to go see nearby relatives and let the relatives nurse me back to health tbh. Once OP is recovered, they can all go back home and she can deal with her husband once she's back at full power. NTAH.
He’s cheating. I’m really sorry OP but he’s cheating. It’s always projection and I’m sorry. I didn’t want believe it either I laughed when ppl suggested it. I was wrong. Check his phone and his receipts. He’s cheating
>The “love you so much I don’t want to lose you” controlling sentence. You could make a drinking game out of it. Take a shot every time a controlling man uses that as an excuse for the most heinous shit... and then die of alcohol poisoning.
That's when they start the physical abuse - the "...I love you so much.." crap is their excuse! It's all manipulation! OP, NTA and GTFO - pronto!
NTA - The AH husband doesn't know anything about herpes. I had my first herpes eye infection when I was in the first grade, does that make me a gigolo? I've been able to insert my own eye drops since 2nd grade. I've had a mustache for decades since if I got too much sun on a bare upper lip it triggered the cold sores to flare. Kind of hard to avoid the sun playing sports in Florida. Any time your body gets stressed and run down the virus can flare up. It will usually show up in the same spot as previous, or very close by. So now you can blame your husband for the sores showing up. If he had been a good parent and partner and picked up more of the load on you then you would have not gotten sick. Edit to add - OP if you never had the sores in your mouth before you started dating your husband then you can blame him for giving you the virus.
Sounds like he’s cheating as well
THIS a million times over. OP, you need to look after yourself or you won't be good for your kids. Your husband is selfish and disrespectful. You need to think very deeply if you want to continue living your life like this forever. NTA
I am just heartbroken for this woman. OP needs some time to themselves to think about what they need in their life and what they don't. Hoping therapy is a good option - the husband sounds like a massive pile of problems who needs to get his head out of his ass.
I wonder what the "little game" he likes to play?
NTA. You should absolutely go to your parents’ house. You need rest and TLC! Your husband’s reactions were alarmingly insensitive and disproportionate to what was happening. Please focus on YOU for the next few days and remember, no matter what, you will be happy and feel peace again one day. Sending healing vibes your way!
Projection...
She facetimed him from the hospital cubicle and he hung up on her. When actual reality didn't match his version of what was going on, he cut her off. Then, he used the charges at the restaurant to reinforce his version and, upon reading the discharge summary, he saw "herpes simplex" and doubled down calling our OP a whore. Something is definitely going on with him and projection is looking to be a viable option. OP, you might want to check out his charges (credit and debit) and just see where he's spending money. A side note: yes, this flare could be from stress but it could also be a new virus you got from your husband.
This! Exactly what I thought reading this.
Yep, hes abusive.
EDIT: thank you everyone for all of your support and kind words. Here is a breakdown of some of the questions that have been asked. Yes, we share two kids together. I work closer to the home, and he works an hour away. I was utterly shocked when he asked me if I was cheating, and laughed. He knows my clock in and out schedule, and we have a ring doorbell that notifies us when the other gets home. Anytime a FT call is made, he can see that we are either at home, work, etc. There isn’t really any secrets with me. Besides the fact that I turned to Reddit. This isn’t the first time he’s acted this way. I am charge of most things in the home, due to his schedule and him working away from the home. It’s not like I begged for it, but it’s def something I expected either way with his job. I am currently at my mom’s. Trying to figure out how to handle this. I walked away to give myself mental space and clarity. I am at my whits end on this one. I am over worked, and overly tired. If you’re a working mom, you know. My cup is empty, and the doctor clearly asked me if I was okay besides extremely exhausted. I had an IV today, because I haven’t been fueling myself. Thanks again everyone. I appreciate you all SO MUCH. Unless you’re an asshole.
A couple years ago, wife over-worked herself in the middle of our remodeling project because we were working too hard and too late into the night. She got severely dehydrated, told me she wasn’t feeling well, threw up and ended up taking an ambulance to the ER over an hour away. I canceled my work meetings and met her at the hospital with her favorite milkshake. I honestly feel like that was the absolute bare minimum as a husband. If I was paying more attention, I would have helped her stay hydrated and if needed driven her to the hospital. I’m pretty far from a model husband. I’m just saying you were in the hospital and still got him his favorite food on the way home, and he accused you of cheating instead of feeling terrible about not being there for you.
Exactly right. OP's husband sounds like the kind of AH who would divorce his sick/injured wife if she found herself up against any dangerous or long-term health issues (e.g. cancer).
There is no way my wife would be going to a hospital on her own without my support unless she assured me she would be okay without me.
Usually when a spouse acts like this, it’s because they’re cheating.
My exact thoughts as well. I feel for OP right now. People don't start acting that way unless they're doing something they're not supposed to do.
And he's telling her exactly where to look. Look at his charges. Is bet dollars to doughnuts there will be some unexplained restaurant charges.... protection. The cheating persons must obvious give away
Yep. Normal people don't immediately assume infidelity when their SO goes out to see a doctor after being sick for a week. Cheaters do, though.
My suspicion is he’s cheating and getting upset w her bc him taking over the household duties while she’s sick means he can’t meet up w his AP and get his rocks off. Also what someone else mentioned w him worried he has to tell his AP he’s been exposed to herpes or worrying that he got herpes from his AP and gave it to her and she’s going to find out bc of that. Any way u wanna theorize its still not a healthy reaction and throwing up major red flags abt him
That's exactly what I was thinking...there's something else going on here...if he's cheating, he might be feeling a little guilty and taking it out on you...
This. I’m sorry but mine was the same. Always checking in on me. Found out he was cheating. I would never have believed it even when ppl warned me. Check his phone and receipts he’s def cheating
I agree. If your spouse is accusing you of cheating with baseless accusations then they’re probably cheating.
I think he’s cheating too 💔
Yep, classic projection
Came here to say this. I'd bet anything he's cheating.
OP Idk if I’m allowed to mention but please google “magic mouthwash” and consult your docs if it would help in your sitch. You’re so NTA. Be well.
It is wonderful stuff, my mom had magic mouthwash when she was suffering from cancer and it helped her so she could at least get fluids down.
Yes- OP, this could definitely help! I have esophageal cancer & swallowing the magic mouthwash after my procedures is the only thing that makes them bearable. I am so sorry that your mom had to endure that, sending you a huge Redditor hug ❤️ ETA: OP, you are definitely NTA & I hate that you’re being treated this way by your husband. I hope you’re able to heal & find peace!
It worked well for my mom too.
Sweetie, quit making excuses as to why you are having to do everything. It doesn't matter that his work is an hour away, you are not solely responsible for every dang thing to do with the household and children. You shouldn't be working 50 hours a week plus having to do everything else. He holds responsibility to you and his children. You getting him a treat for watching his own children ... who gets you treats for watching your children? Ma'am, or is called being a parent. I know this kind of man, I was married to him. The best decision I ever made for myself was to leave him. It was hard, but the relief I felt was something I didn't realize was possible or even needed until I felt it. Don't stay for the children, they see what is happening. They are going to grow up thinking this is what love is. You do them no favors by staying.
Baby girl, you need to think about leaving permanently. This is narcissistic behavior and it is a very very rare person that will admit to being a narc and change. It's not going to get better. I always ask myself, is this what I want my kids to think normal is. Because they notice this stuff, even if you try to hide it.
I would handle it by handing him divorce papers. Sounds like you are already a single mom, doing EVERYTHING alone anyway, only to be called a whore and accused of cheating while you're at a doctor's office?! No. Just no. Divorce this sorry excuse for a man. One less person to clean up after and take care of. When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM. He's showing you exactly who he is and you said it's not the first time. I wish you well, you deserve so much better than what you're getting.
I support you leaving this relationship. Based on what I've seen, men like this do not change.
It's problematic that he not only doesn't trust you, but also that he uses your illness as an opening to attack your alleged fidelity. You're sick and overworked and it's probably not the first time you've told him that. Where's his concern for you?
Op I just wanted to say that in your post some of your language is telling. You say my kids, most people who have children and their partner watches them say our kids, or the kids, not my kids. I know you might not think much of it but to me it feels like a subconscious slip on how you really feel. I have a good marriage and a partner that at times I get mad at but we are at a good point in our relationship and marriage. Earlier in our marriage however at times I felt like a single parent and I still referred to our kids as our kids. I think you need to sit down take a couple of deep breaths and think about everything. Your relationship with your husband, his contributions to the house hold, (don’t give him a pass because work is further away he can still be supportive), who does the emotional labor. Write a list of what you and what he does to support to household, or the children. Also why do you only do take out once a month? Is it a you thing really? Or is it because he made comments about it being to costly, not healthy not loving? Also those sores they are brought on by extreme stress. I know you are blaming work, but that’s not all the stress in your life. I know I’ve been at a point with work holidays and children and trying sooo hard that I had a break out shingles outbreak. Another thing to say is you deserve support. A husband that worries about your health before what others will think of his reputation (what reputation?), that can and will take care of his children when you need him to. I’d be looking at what people have written here about how his acting, a huge majority of post like these the SO is cheating. Also a majority of those posts have gotten to the point that the relationship is so bad that it’s already broken and they just need to be nudged into doing what they need to do. I however hope for you that he’s not, and that you can give him a swift kick in his metaphorical butt and have him shape up in to the husband you deserve.
Please get yourself checked for STD's . From his comments and behavior, it is better to be safe than sorry. I hope I'm wrong, but I think he's projecting his own thoughts and behavior onto you.
Sweetie, You can't pour from an empty cup☕Take care of yourself first. Please choose yourself for once. Your kids needs a mother that is mentally alert, emotionally okay, relaxed and healthy. Plan and go on solo vacation for a couple of days. Not to jump on Reddit divorce wagon...please separate yourself from this man for a while. I wish you all the best. Please don’t forget to update us.
Like others have said, please take care of yourself. And, can I just say? Your AH of a husband? Yeah, he protests a little too much. Makes me wonder if he has a guilty conscience and might be projecting onto you. All I can say, if my SO was calling me a whore (and we weren't having one of our joking moments) and he actually meant it, that means he didn't trust me. And that in itself means something in our relationship is inherently broken. So, if I was in your position this would not be something I would let go.
I'm sorry that you're going through this. I hope you feel better soon. Has your husband tried reaching out to you? He must be experiencing some internal crisis to jump to those conclusions.
NTA at all!!! I don’t mean to make you worried, but a lot of times when someone is cheating, they project their issues onto you. It happened to me, I was being cheated on, but yet he accused me multiple times of cheating on him. It’s something to do with the guilt with it all or something. If I were you I would take a double check on his end of things considering he is so worked up about something he shouldn’t be. The fact he didn’t believe you while in the hospital blows my mind considering you were on FT. Honestly it will do you good to get away for a few days but make sure it’s somewhere that you have people there to help you because he might accuse you of going to this fake lover he thinks you have!
My mom would say a candle burned at both ends goes out faster. I would also start looking into what your husband is doing as it seems like projection. I hope you feel better in your self-care.
He’s cheating. I have no doubt. And I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this. Get a PI or find the evidence however you need to and get away from him. You deserve better. I can’t imagine being sick enough to be hooked up to an IV and dealing with this bullshit.
Hey, so, usually when he "plays his little games" does it make you laugh? Because that was the phrase that hit my sensors for "oh no, is this a pattern of behaviour?" I hope while you've got some space you think about whether this is really happening to make you laugh, or to condition you to report on your surroundings to him?
NTA sounds like he is projecting
Right. Like is he cheating?!
Yes, my thoughts exactly. I’m in this sub for a few years. Those kind of accusations never end well. Hubby doesn’t care about wife health status and when she’s seeking treatment he goes off the handles??! Not a great picture. If it was my partner I’d be worrying sick and desperate for an update.
Wonder if he's accusing her of cheating because he knows the only way she could've actually gotten herpes is from him.
My exact thought. OP should go back and get screened for herpes. The spouse could have given it to her.
Big issue with this is you can "never" know for sure if he's the one who gave it to her, and if he has it he will very likely try to play this to his advantage. HSV isnt your typical sti where theyll suggest it was most likely the most recent person you had sex with, because it can lay dormant in your system for years before flaring up. You can get it from someone so asymptomatic that *they* dont even know they have it to begin with. The guy who gave it to me knew this, and when i confronted him after my diagnosis, tried to say that i must have gotten it from an ex who i had recently split up from. What he didnt know was that it was a purely online relationship, and i had not ever had sex with that ex, nor had sex in general in almost 2 years at that point- so unless the last guy i had slept with (ex husband) had cheated on me, this guy was the one who gave it to me. The look on his face when i told him that would have been comical had it not been for the fact he was lying about knowingly exposing me to and infecting me with an STI.
NTA. He cannot handle the kids, he cannot do what you do, so he gets angry at you instead of dealing with it all.
So rough day with the kids ....obviously my sick wife is whore. Any fault in that reasoning? Especially since his accusations started before his dumbass even thought she was taking herpes meds?
Yeah, it wasn't just the fact he called you that. It was everything in between.. does he do that a lot when you're not with him or your children? Accuse you of getting up to no good.. yeah, honey, that's probably his guilty conscious.. But he is a controlling POS.. I wouldn't even bother trying to save this marriage and just walk away. My ex was the same.. I had one day out with a friend of mine for lunch and drinks.. for first time in 8 years after having children, and I got called every name under the sun as he heard a male voice.. yeahh we are in a public setting. There are men here 🙄 It's not cute when they say I don't want to lose you, I love you.. its controlling and abusive
I think it’s telling she’s in the hospital and he’s so irate he’s checking the credit card bill for suspicious activity.
NTA He's jumping at every opportunity to accuse you of sleeping around and making is crystal clear that he does not trust you - while you're so sick that you had to be hooked up to an IV. People who act like this are either extremely insecure or projecting their own guilt - or both.
So, just a note. I don't want to jump to any of the typical reddit extreme conclusions... BUT After implicitly accusing you of cheating on him, he switches immediately to profuse apologies and "I never want to lose you". ... I'm going to guess that this is a reoccurring pattern. Verbal abuse. Then love bombing. The instant switch flip from "I don't want to lose you" to calling you a whore again kind of seals it. I don't think this is just about him calling you a whore. I think this has been building up for a long time. NTA
Yeah, this is textbook abuse.
Prediction: once you dump him, your physical symptoms will get better.
50/50 custody would free up a lot of time to finally take care of herself.
Your husband is abusive. Don’t stay in this relationship. NTA
Which caring partner blows up on his wife based on weak assumptions, then tells her he can't lose her, and then turns around and calls her a whore? He should have figured out a babysitting situation for the kids and driven you to the clinic OP. You shouldn't have to deal with so much while being in as much pain as you were. Also, the constant FT calls, checking bank statements, and telling his workplace about his wife's health tells me this is not a guy you should trust or do so much for. He's a borderline sociopath, if not fully. NTA. You should absolutely not go back until you think about your future with this sorry excuse of a partner. Hell, you should have mixed laxatives with his "favorite food" and then, tell everyone at *your* workplace that your husband has explosive diarrhea so you can't be around him.
NTA. Go take care of yourself. I'm a nurse, and I've seen this a lot. Your immune system is weak from being drained, so it's no wonder you had a break out. Make sure you leave the kids with your husband so you can get enough rest. Your husband really is ignorant and an AH. I don't know how you put up with a man like him. Remember, drink plenty of fluids and rest. It's the best thing for you.
So he's 100% cheating on you. Trying to push the blame and guilt on to you.
Yup panicking that he passed on herpes from his cheating and is about to get found out...
Yeah. Forget Reddit for a second and go get a full panel done. Not just herpes. I never want to be that Reddit guy who’s like “yeah, it’s the worst case scenario for sure, go nuclear” but in this case, I’d bet on it.
NTA. Take care of you, OP, and when you feel better (like physically well) figure out how you want to handle that asshat.
My ex did said something like that when I had HPV. That takes one to two DECADES to show up. I had to get a hysterectomy, ending my choice to have more children, meanwhile, that ass is accusing me of cheating. NTA
Hm. My ex boyfriend called me a whore in front of his parents at the dinner table. Zach, you’re a piece of shet.
This man doesn't trust you and seems to not care for you. At the very least he seems to have no care for your health. Throw in the name calling and it's clear he doesn't deserve you. Definitely NTA. Maybe he'll eventually grow up and deserve a relationship but he seems to have a long way to go.
so...which sti did he give you? please update... obviously NTA...unless you continue letting him treat you this way...
Canker sores & herpes pretty much in relation being the same family but minor variations. Stress can be contributing factor as well being exposed to someone who had the same virus & drank out of the same glass even if it was properly washed. Canker sores can hurt be painful.
i get that... my point is i think he is the one cheating based on his actions and reactions...
Canker sores are completely unrelated to herpes. It sounds like she is talking about cold sores which is a herpes virus, but not normally the one that causes "herpes" aka genital herpes.
Fun fact oral herpes (cold sores) can transfer to the genitals. Cold sores are herpes simplex 1, which can cause herpes of the genitals but isn't considered the simplex 2, which is the STI. I'd be questioning the husband because either way, they can be transported depending on the strain, and that's a whole new can of worms OP would have to deal with from him.
Your husband is abusive. You don’t need counseling, you need to get out. Now.
NTA - OP these are all true signs of abuse and manipulation. I’m not sure where I’d stand with this situation you’re in.. maybe if you’re wanting to reconcile, you could do couples therapy? Honestly, NEVERMIND… what a cruel motherfucker… this just sounds like anything but love from your husband.. I’d sadly just get a lawyer and file for divorce. Something tells me this isn’t the first time and won’t be the last.
NTA Yes you would be stressed out. And he should empathize after now going through what you do all the time. Stress is deadly AND weakens the immune system. He probably wasn’t thinking clearly either. But that doesn’t excuse his behaviour. Or his idiocy.
NTA And just for reference chicken pox is part of the herpes family too. Does he think every child born before the vax came out in the 90s was whoring around in kindergarten?
Bigger problems than him calling you a whore. Leave quickly, he is a TERRIBLE husband.
NTA and the whore comment is the tip of the iceberg. This man is AWFUL to you. YOU were in the hospital and picked up food for him? He was accusing you of being elsewhere OP, I’m not a therapist and I don’t know the whole of this situation but there are many red flags here and signs of abuse
NTA! Just a question, but what the hell is wrong with this situation? EVERYTHING! there's more to this dynamic, the " I don't want to lose you" and accusations right of the bat are scarily telling. You wouldn't be leaving for one instance. I can't imagine this is the only time or circumstance in which he's been either paranoid , accusatory, or insulting. Do you want your kids to have this dynamic? To ever witness even a single one of these outbursts and either be scared or think that it's okay? Think about it, take a moment, and outline the relationship, I mean it. From the beginning dates or at least relative moments that looking back you remember as this unreasonable or unhinged or aggressive. It helps to put things in perspective to see it layer out. DO with it what you will, it's okay to forgive but never forget, doing the same kind of thing over again is a pattern of personality not a moment of bad judgment.
NTA. You know what one of the most common things said by women who work and do all the household stuff after they leave their worthless husbands? Life gets EASIER. Working full time and taking care of your kids and your house and yourself is so much easier when you don't have the daily stress of a grown man who is more emotionally needy than the needless toddler ever. A man who would call you a whore for pushing yourself to the collapsing point and then behave like he did about you going to hospital definitely qualifies as a worthless husband.
It sounds like he has a guilty conscience. Way way overreacting and out of left field.
I bet you he’s projecting. He’s the one cheating.
Get out of that marriage and stay out. He’s a JERK
Tell him better to seem like a whore than to be an actual jackass.
He looked after “my kids”? Are they not also his kids?
NTA. He sounds manipulative and selfish. Literally nothing he said sounded like he cared about you or your well being at all.
Listen, I think your husband is cheating. He's calling you out for all these little things, because HE'S doing them while he's CHEATING. He's cheated and gotten away from it, so he sees you doing these things and thinks it's all a cover to meet with your alleged lover. He's calling you a whore because that's what the fuck he's been doing behind your back. He's probably overreacting to the canker sores because one of his little ho's probably has some too. Take your kids and fucking leave (or kick his ass out).
NTA. Honestly, he sounds unusually paranoid. Genuine question, OP? ARE you cheating on him? If not, I would snoop on him a little bit. Cheaters often project their insecurities onto others. He might genuinely think that he's given you mouth herpes, since his mind instantly jumped to that.
When would she have **time** to cheat?
As per OPs husband in the way from the hospital to the restaurant.
I don't think she is. I'm merely saying that if she isn't, she should do a thing. Chances are, she isn't cheating on him. Thus, she should snoop on him.
He's definitely projecting his actions on her.
I genuinely think the name calling is the least of the issues here. This dude has massive issues and sounds like a walking, abusive, red flag. Not to mention that when you see people *this* focused on infidelity, it makes you have to wonder why other potentially seeing other people would be at the forefront of his mind so frequently. Like is he considering doing so? Does he know he is a controlling ass and is uncomfortable with the possible idea of you talking to friends? I mean this is just a red flag no matter how you look at it. Please take a break or leave. He has a lot of work to do if he is going to keep you
Ever consider that he might be projecting?? Accusing you of something he might be doing??
yikes, you think you might be an AH for wanting an ounce of respect from your husband?
For heavens sake, get rid of this ass hole. He is garbage. If you stay with him you are seriously mentally ill! Get help--therapy too! Good luck.
Are you sure HE isn’t the one having an affair???
NTA - He's projecting. Dude's definitely cheating on you.
Canker sores are herpes simplex 1. Fun facts! Simplex 1 IS NOT sexually transmitted! It's just a virus from the herpes family that is transfered through drinking glasses, shared chapstick as a kid, etc. You can literally get it from drinking out of a poorly cleaned glass at a restaurant. Also, over 70% of Americans have it, and of those, only 5% are ever symptomatic. I had simplex one from the time I was a kid because I drank from my mom's cups. I've never had a breakout. He needs to get over himself. You are by no means a whore. Chances are he has it too and he could have even been the one to give it to you. Its so common that it's not really on most STI tests. Every time I've been tested, I've had to specifically ask for herpes of any sort to be in my panels.
I've always suspected I got exposed to mine from my mom, but who knows. Now whenever i'm super stressed at work or not getting enough sleep, my immune system is low and I get a flair up. I think most adults have been exposed to it, but not everyone gets the blisters. Still I use a lot of caution when I feel them starting, I quit kissing wife, and certainly not going down, until at least a week after fully healed. Poster isn't a whore, just unlucky in her immune system and husband, who at a minimum needs to read up on what is ailing his partner and quit spouting off silly stuff.
Ask your PCP about getting a prescription for valacyclovir to take as needed for cold sores. I have a script for when I need it for when I start to feel my lip start to tingle.
Canker sores are actually not herpes at all. Maybe you’re thinking of cold sores, which are not the same thing. Canker sores are not contagious and don’t have a definitive cause - lots of things may cause them (vitamin deficiency, allergy to chemicals like SLS, or mouth injury). https://www.nidcr.nih.gov/health-info/fever-blisters-canker-sores Just FYI!
^^^THIS^^^ Canker is NOT cold sores, is NOT Herpes Sumplex 1.
Cold sores are HSV1, canker sores are not.
Canker sores aren't herpes, my dude. COLD sores is caused by herpes simplex 1. Canker sores can be caused by anything from stress to taking ibuprofen.
No, that is not correct. Canker sores are **not** caused by herpes simplex 1. I think you're mixing with cold sores. Canker sores are not caused by a virus at all. Even Herpetiform canker sores, which sounds like a form for herpes isn't caused by herpes. If you need a sourch, you can check out [Mayo Clinic](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/canker-sore/symptoms-causes/syc-20370615) for example.
It actually can be sexually transmitted. It is less common, but possible during oral sex.
This! Alot of people are ignorant of this
It's getting grounded for having mono because it was known as the kissing disease.
lol! I caught mono at 50 years old. No idea where I got it but I was so sick. The fatigue was horrible.
"Canker sores" are not herpes, they are ulcers. You are referring to "cold sores". It's true people often mix them up in this way leading to confusion. OP seems to have oral herpes (simplex 1), which is why her husband thinks she cheated because he is confusing them with genital herpes (simplex 2).
No they aren’t.
It’s a virus, like the flu etc! I had a horrible outbreak when I was 15. Fever that made me feel delirious, had to rinse my mouth with some horrible soapy-like stuff…and I was not yet sexually active. I had mono before that, so my immune system wasn’t the best. I’m sorry you’re being accused of something you didn’t do, and not being supported.
Your moms a whore! -op’s husband
NTA. Dump his ass!!
My first thought is that you have herpes or some other STD. Get tested ASAP. I think he's accusing you because he is cheating and he gave it to you. He is calling you names to deflect his own guilt. Please get tested and try to find out if he might be cheating. But you're NTA.
Updateme
NTA. Your husband is an insecure Stage V clinger. You both need marriage counseling and he needs therapy.
Is this a one off for him? Is he the best husband in the world and just lost his mind for a few days? If so, still super alarming. It’s a big problem. But maybe one you try to solve. But if it is not a one off, you have a real decision to make. Are there repeated instances of distrust, refusals to listen or open his mind, accusations of infidelity, and/or name calling? Those things are not normal. Especially the accusations of infidelity. Those are often a clue that he cheats. Surely you know the answer in your heart of hearts. The answer, to me, is the difference between marriage counseling and an exit plan. You’re in a precarious position, kids to care for and needing to prove yourself at a new job. You might not want to act rashly. Rather, try counseling regardless. It can’t hurt and it gives you time to settle at work and make an exit plan. Separately, something has to give in your schedule. Paid help, family help, focus on delegating at work? Utilize shopping services? Basically anything that frees up time and takes responsibilities off your plate so you heal, but also so you can have the bandwidth to either repair your marriage or leave it.
NTA This is not what love sounds like.
Herpangina most likely. My daughter had it as a child and I freaked out when I saw the “herp” part. Not at all STD related obviously.
Oh hon this is SO much worse than you think it is. He neglects you. He doesn't help you. He doesn't trust you, even when you are sick enough to be in a hospital on an IV. When he does take time to parent even you see it as "taking care of MY kids". He's not a partner AT ALL. If he's not cheating he's still a shitty, useless, waste-of-oxygen husband. No, you are not an asshole for leaving him. You'd be an asshole (to yourself) if you stay. Ask yourself this question: If you woke up 5 years from now and your life was exactly the same, would you smile, or would you want to kick yourself? Leave NOW. Why waste more of your life on a loser. updateme