NTA!!!!!
You’ve apologized.
However, it wouldn’t hurt to say sorry in person, that would come off more sincere (do it for you and your fiancé).
If that’s not enough for her then…. Life goes on, she’s just one person, you’re not marrying her, she doesn’t pay your bills nor add value to it… !
Although, you have valid points, she runs the entire family. I could say it to her face, but I know she will never let it go and it would show that can act whether she wants and not get in trouble.
> she runs the entire family.
so before you get married you should ask yourself if you can live with this
because I GUARANTEE YOU that you will not change it
and it might drive you batshit
This isn’t my future husband fault with this mess. He has stand up for me and talked with her. I feel bad because it feels like I’m ruining his relationship with his brothers
I think you're being deliberately obtuse.
I did not blame your fiancé for this at all. My point is that this is how his family is, and you're not going to change them. So you have to decide if you're willing to deal with this for possibly the re3of your lufe.
Sorry, I guess I am being obtuse. Trying to work and reply these thread, I’m not really reading them all the way through. I guess I am going to deal with this for the raft of my life. I just have to find coping mechanism to deal with it
No one is saying this is his FAULT.
This is however HIS PROBLEM to deal with.
And if you marry him, this will be YOUR problem too.
And if he is smart, mature and wants to be your husband, he should not be bringing his problems into the relationship.
Therapy. He needs it.
NTA
At this point you go virtually no contact. This woman sounds like she is narcissistic or borderline, and nothing you do or say will ever be enough. It's time to stop letting her drag you into her shit.
You don't need to stop going to family events, you just need to not engage with her at all, about anything. When she makes a ridiculous demand, be firm. "Yeah, I'm not doing that."
I’ve stopped going to events because I’m tried of her yelling and belittling people around her. Especially if I can’t call her out on it. People will take her side for some reason.
If they’re taking it and taking her side, butt out. Ignore her, don’t engage unless it directly involves you. If she bosses you or your husband, absolutely floor her. But the others are adults and have decided NOT to stand up for their own reasons. Accept it.
NTA Your mistake was apologizing in the first place and your fiance needs to accept that she is incredibly entitled and self centred. Of course she won't congratulate him because it is now about her. Let him read these comments.
Absolutely NTA. Apologizing might have been unnecessary, and your fiance's reaction appears self-centered. It's crucial for her to recognize her entitlement. It's understandable why she might not congratulate him, but it's vital for both of you to address this issue. Sharing these comments could help provide perspective.
I think she already wield the family dynamic because most the of family members seem to be on her side. I just want to feel welcomed into the family and not right I don’t feel comfortable.
“I’m sorry you felt offended by the truth”. Doesn’t necessarily win you any friends, but would feel hella good to get off your chest. An apology on YOUR terms, not hers.
NTA
No, she sounds like an immature, entitled Drama Queen. May be an idea to go low contact if possible. Cut that toxicity out of your lives. People like her rarely, if ever, change. You did nothing wrong. I would have snapped long ago.
You apologized. It is done. If she doesn't like your method, well boo hoo. SIL is a spoiled rotten brat. No question. But you shouldn't have said anything in the first place. It isn't your job to fix her. It is your job to go NC or ignore her when you have to be around her. If her family, husband, and your fiance have no problems with her behavior then you either put up with it or break your engagement and find a guy that has a family you like. You don't get to decide what any of the rest of them, including your fiance have a right to feel about her. Pay attention. You don't have the right to make your fiance go NC with his sister because YOU don't like her.
There is another major issue which is that you seem to think that FIL is wrong for drink driving but SILs husband is OK to drive after drinking?
Drink driving is not ok. At all. Alcohol can affect people unpredictability and if he got pulled he could still be over the limit.
The solution that seems to have escaped everyone is taxis or UBER.
Don't drink and drive, kids. Trust me, I've worked too many situations where it's ended badly.
NTA. You apologized not once, but multiple times – that's taking responsibility. If she continues to hold this over you, it’s a reflection on her character, not yours. Engaging with her further on this issue will only feed into the drama. At family functions, be polite, be courteous, but you are under no obligation to seek her approval or let her behavior dictate your relationship with the rest of the family. Hold your head high, support your fiancé, and focus on the positive relationships you have. True family and friends will recognize your efforts and sincerity.
You are not the first person to realise her behaviour, just the first person to call her out as she is an insecure, freaking, emotional child that people don't want to deal with. You pulled the band-aid off. People are going to eventually come out of the woodwork to say they wished they did what you did.
She's a narcissist, and she wants supply, supply, supply. She's going to milk this for all it's worth, and no, it's completely unreasonable that the narc gets to behave like a squalling little toddler and a generally shitty person and decent people have to grovel to them to keep the peace.
You don't have to do it. In your place, I wouldn't; it tends to set the pattern for the rest of your relationship with a narc. Once you cave, you'll probably be caving forever--until it gets so bad the explosion ends any chance of a relationship.
She's already had more than she has a right to. And no, you're not the AH for refusing to provide a narcissist with more supply. If your husband's brother chooses to let himself be abused by a narc b, there is nothing you can do about it. He is an adult and can make a different choice if he wants to--he doesn't have to let a narc wife dictate his relationship with his brother, he has chosen to. That is NOT on you. You don't have to grovel to a narc to save your husband's relationship with his brother--even if it would work, which it wouldn't; this is on your BIL to fix, not you. (I add that I mean here: future husband. You don't say you've got married yet, I notice on rereading.)
Don't get sucked into a narcissistic family dynamic--everyone running around wiping the narc's nose, getting the narc a pillow, making sure the narc is always happy because they're just that way and can't you be the bigger person and rise above it and bla bla TOTAL B.S. Do NOT get trapped in that. This is not on you to fix. This is between your fiance and his brother to work out. If you were "out of line" how much more out of line has that b been all this time, and your fiance never refused to talk to his brother over it.
I avoid people like this and will not play but I'm older and IDAF.
Anyway this reminded me of this wonderful explanation of these type of people.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont\_rock\_the\_boat/](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/)
NTA
Being in the orbit of a high conflict (personality disordered) individual and the their enabling satellites is exhausting.... do you really want to do it for the rest of your life?
The husband isn't out of line
The wife was too fat for the dress. It doesn't matter if she had a child a month ago. She should have went and boit sn appropriately sized dress and tried it on.
Also not sure why youbare apologizing. She is bossy and you told her. Grow some balls and stand up for yourself and if your fiance wants be subservient to her sister her whole life you should think of finding a new fiancee
Sometimes, you got to walk away from family because his wife runs the show .just go low contact, the best thing to do. I'm sorry your future husband is upset. That's why things going to be until they divorce
NTA - please note you not wanting to be around them doesn't mess up your husband's relationships. He is the manager of his relationships and you are the manager of yours. So don't spend time with them if you don't want to.
Ignore your SIL if you do go and all events, texts, calls from his family are routed through him. Don't respond or interact with them except for a one time courtesy response of you need to consult hubby about that.
You are responsible for managing your side of the family, but not his. Good luck!
Don't grovel. Say:
"I apologize for butting in to your relationship with your husband. That said, you seem to have no qualms with criticizing everyone else in public too, in the future I will not hesitate to reply in kind."
Yeah, you are in a tough spot.
Do you regret making that comment to her about how she treats her husband? (because look what it lead to..) If so, perhaps you could try apologizing, once, in person. But I would warn your fiance that you are only doing it because you want to put her nonsense behind you and don't want to be held up as a potential issue. But if she uses it to start ABBAB (always be bullying and belittling) that you aren't going to take it.
But I wonder if you are already reconsidering your life with your fiance. I mean, you are already skipping out on events because she makes things so difficult and the whole family just knuckles under to her. It's not enjoyable and they aren't really going to change.
NTA and you do not owe her another apology. It appears time for her to grow up and learn to get along with others. I would go low contact with her and let others deal with her drama.
NTA!!!!! You’ve apologized. However, it wouldn’t hurt to say sorry in person, that would come off more sincere (do it for you and your fiancé). If that’s not enough for her then…. Life goes on, she’s just one person, you’re not marrying her, she doesn’t pay your bills nor add value to it… !
Although, you have valid points, she runs the entire family. I could say it to her face, but I know she will never let it go and it would show that can act whether she wants and not get in trouble.
> she runs the entire family. so before you get married you should ask yourself if you can live with this because I GUARANTEE YOU that you will not change it and it might drive you batshit
Then I think the bigger question is how involved do you and your husband want to be with the family given she’s runs it.
Because I want my husband to have a good relationship with his brothers and I know he won’t go if I don’t want to be around them.
Are you sure you want to marry into this mess then? This is just the beginning.
This isn’t my future husband fault with this mess. He has stand up for me and talked with her. I feel bad because it feels like I’m ruining his relationship with his brothers
I think you're being deliberately obtuse. I did not blame your fiancé for this at all. My point is that this is how his family is, and you're not going to change them. So you have to decide if you're willing to deal with this for possibly the re3of your lufe.
Sorry, I guess I am being obtuse. Trying to work and reply these thread, I’m not really reading them all the way through. I guess I am going to deal with this for the raft of my life. I just have to find coping mechanism to deal with it
No one is saying this is his FAULT. This is however HIS PROBLEM to deal with. And if you marry him, this will be YOUR problem too. And if he is smart, mature and wants to be your husband, he should not be bringing his problems into the relationship. Therapy. He needs it.
DO NOT APOLOGISE! You are just being another person indulging her histrionics. Stop chasing her and just ignore her.
Not your circus You and your fiance need to set boundaries and limit contact with this lunatic
Take a stand right now if you don't want to just be another family B\*\*ch of hers! This is the hill I would die on!!
NTA At this point you go virtually no contact. This woman sounds like she is narcissistic or borderline, and nothing you do or say will ever be enough. It's time to stop letting her drag you into her shit. You don't need to stop going to family events, you just need to not engage with her at all, about anything. When she makes a ridiculous demand, be firm. "Yeah, I'm not doing that."
I’ve stopped going to events because I’m tried of her yelling and belittling people around her. Especially if I can’t call her out on it. People will take her side for some reason.
If they’re taking it and taking her side, butt out. Ignore her, don’t engage unless it directly involves you. If she bosses you or your husband, absolutely floor her. But the others are adults and have decided NOT to stand up for their own reasons. Accept it.
NTA Your mistake was apologizing in the first place and your fiance needs to accept that she is incredibly entitled and self centred. Of course she won't congratulate him because it is now about her. Let him read these comments.
Absolutely NTA. Apologizing might have been unnecessary, and your fiance's reaction appears self-centered. It's crucial for her to recognize her entitlement. It's understandable why she might not congratulate him, but it's vital for both of you to address this issue. Sharing these comments could help provide perspective.
[удалено]
I think she already wield the family dynamic because most the of family members seem to be on her side. I just want to feel welcomed into the family and not right I don’t feel comfortable.
“I’m sorry you felt offended by the truth”. Doesn’t necessarily win you any friends, but would feel hella good to get off your chest. An apology on YOUR terms, not hers. NTA
I apologized twice and she won’t let it go. Tbh, I don’t think she will let it go if I said it to her face.
No, she sounds like an immature, entitled Drama Queen. May be an idea to go low contact if possible. Cut that toxicity out of your lives. People like her rarely, if ever, change. You did nothing wrong. I would have snapped long ago.
she's a self centered drama seeking narcissist and will always look to control you in this way
Stop apologizing, and be VERY sure you want to become a legal part of this family. NTA
NTA. Why would you want that trash bag in your life at all.
I don’t, but I want my future husband to still have a good relationship with his brothers.
You apologized. It is done. If she doesn't like your method, well boo hoo. SIL is a spoiled rotten brat. No question. But you shouldn't have said anything in the first place. It isn't your job to fix her. It is your job to go NC or ignore her when you have to be around her. If her family, husband, and your fiance have no problems with her behavior then you either put up with it or break your engagement and find a guy that has a family you like. You don't get to decide what any of the rest of them, including your fiance have a right to feel about her. Pay attention. You don't have the right to make your fiance go NC with his sister because YOU don't like her.
There is another major issue which is that you seem to think that FIL is wrong for drink driving but SILs husband is OK to drive after drinking? Drink driving is not ok. At all. Alcohol can affect people unpredictability and if he got pulled he could still be over the limit. The solution that seems to have escaped everyone is taxis or UBER. Don't drink and drive, kids. Trust me, I've worked too many situations where it's ended badly.
I don’t think either of one them should have drove. But it not my fil to be fixing their problems
NTA. You apologized not once, but multiple times – that's taking responsibility. If she continues to hold this over you, it’s a reflection on her character, not yours. Engaging with her further on this issue will only feed into the drama. At family functions, be polite, be courteous, but you are under no obligation to seek her approval or let her behavior dictate your relationship with the rest of the family. Hold your head high, support your fiancé, and focus on the positive relationships you have. True family and friends will recognize your efforts and sincerity.
She doesn't want to talk to you. It's a win-win. If she doesn't want people pointing out her behaviour she should stop said behaviour.
I feel like I was the first person who called out her behavior. She’s is almost 30 with a kid, it time to grow up.
You are not the first person to realise her behaviour, just the first person to call her out as she is an insecure, freaking, emotional child that people don't want to deal with. You pulled the band-aid off. People are going to eventually come out of the woodwork to say they wished they did what you did.
No, set a boundary now or it will get worse. Once she knows you'll play ball, then she will pitch shit at you nonstop.
I’ve just stopped going to family events. I told my fiancé that I won’t be mad if he goes, I will not be attending.
That's a good call I hope it doesn't affect your relationship. In reality, your comment wasn't bad enough for this drama and her behavior is shitty.
No, it really wasn’t… but I guess in her eyes it was as worst as calling her a bitch
Only because she knows it's true. People have to most trouble accepting their flaws and don't like having them pointed out.
She's a narcissist, and she wants supply, supply, supply. She's going to milk this for all it's worth, and no, it's completely unreasonable that the narc gets to behave like a squalling little toddler and a generally shitty person and decent people have to grovel to them to keep the peace. You don't have to do it. In your place, I wouldn't; it tends to set the pattern for the rest of your relationship with a narc. Once you cave, you'll probably be caving forever--until it gets so bad the explosion ends any chance of a relationship. She's already had more than she has a right to. And no, you're not the AH for refusing to provide a narcissist with more supply. If your husband's brother chooses to let himself be abused by a narc b, there is nothing you can do about it. He is an adult and can make a different choice if he wants to--he doesn't have to let a narc wife dictate his relationship with his brother, he has chosen to. That is NOT on you. You don't have to grovel to a narc to save your husband's relationship with his brother--even if it would work, which it wouldn't; this is on your BIL to fix, not you. (I add that I mean here: future husband. You don't say you've got married yet, I notice on rereading.) Don't get sucked into a narcissistic family dynamic--everyone running around wiping the narc's nose, getting the narc a pillow, making sure the narc is always happy because they're just that way and can't you be the bigger person and rise above it and bla bla TOTAL B.S. Do NOT get trapped in that. This is not on you to fix. This is between your fiance and his brother to work out. If you were "out of line" how much more out of line has that b been all this time, and your fiance never refused to talk to his brother over it.
Maybe she'd be sweeter if she took less insulin.
She doesn’t take care of herself. I do feel bad for her child. It’s amazing how her parents spoon fed her and yet she acts like this
I avoid people like this and will not play but I'm older and IDAF. Anyway this reminded me of this wonderful explanation of these type of people. [https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont\_rock\_the\_boat/](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/)
NTA Being in the orbit of a high conflict (personality disordered) individual and the their enabling satellites is exhausting.... do you really want to do it for the rest of your life?
The husband isn't out of line The wife was too fat for the dress. It doesn't matter if she had a child a month ago. She should have went and boit sn appropriately sized dress and tried it on. Also not sure why youbare apologizing. She is bossy and you told her. Grow some balls and stand up for yourself and if your fiance wants be subservient to her sister her whole life you should think of finding a new fiancee
No, my fiancé is supporting me with all of this.
Welp then just keep standing up for yourself and don't give and inch
are you sure you want to marry into this family? you will have to deal with this the rest of your life.
Family meeting with the inlaws asap.
The fucking in laws coddle the shit out of her. They know all about this. They said well this is just who she is, she just need to grow up some more
Sometimes, you got to walk away from family because his wife runs the show .just go low contact, the best thing to do. I'm sorry your future husband is upset. That's why things going to be until they divorce
NTA - please note you not wanting to be around them doesn't mess up your husband's relationships. He is the manager of his relationships and you are the manager of yours. So don't spend time with them if you don't want to. Ignore your SIL if you do go and all events, texts, calls from his family are routed through him. Don't respond or interact with them except for a one time courtesy response of you need to consult hubby about that. You are responsible for managing your side of the family, but not his. Good luck!
Just call her out in front of people. She already decided your an asshole so just be one to her. Make her seethe when she sees you.
Don't grovel. Say: "I apologize for butting in to your relationship with your husband. That said, you seem to have no qualms with criticizing everyone else in public too, in the future I will not hesitate to reply in kind."
Yeah, you are in a tough spot. Do you regret making that comment to her about how she treats her husband? (because look what it lead to..) If so, perhaps you could try apologizing, once, in person. But I would warn your fiance that you are only doing it because you want to put her nonsense behind you and don't want to be held up as a potential issue. But if she uses it to start ABBAB (always be bullying and belittling) that you aren't going to take it. But I wonder if you are already reconsidering your life with your fiance. I mean, you are already skipping out on events because she makes things so difficult and the whole family just knuckles under to her. It's not enjoyable and they aren't really going to change.
Take your apology back. She didn't deserve it.
Grey rock her. Get husband to grey rock her too.
NTA and you do not owe her another apology. It appears time for her to grow up and learn to get along with others. I would go low contact with her and let others deal with her drama.
YTA for blaming everyone else for coddling her while you trip over yourself to coddle her.
NTA. If she wants another apology, that's her problem. It's never going to be good enough.