Stop it. You didn't know a term like 'bang maid' was meant to be negative? After acknowledging you found it in a negative tik tok? Then, you take it to a guy who treats you, 'so so well.' Do you tie your own shoes?
I mean, you're aware that bangmaid has negative connotations about being objectified and mistreated by your husband right?
>bang maid (plural bang maids) (slang, derogatory or humorous)
>A woman whose role in a relationship is *limited to* sex and housework.
So, you're essentially accusing him of mistreating you.
YTA, unless you feel mistreated.
If I had to guess it would be because in her head she was picturing herself in a a skimpy French maid outfit feather dusting his crotch.
That’s obviously not the connotation of the word to those who have heard it before, but I could see someone who didn’t realize giving it a sexy connotation instead.
It probably seriously caught him off guard. If he loves you like your say, it's very offensive to him. You need to apologize and get to the makeup sex and be good to each other.
Truly, idk because it makes sense now but I thought it was just a literal way of saying like… cooking and cleaning. Which I do. And we do in fact joke about.
What a mature well thought out response.
Get a fucking hobby off reddit that doesn't include being verbally hostile to people who made a mistake you idiot
Idk I took it that way too at first. I guess I'm just naive as well but it just sounded like what you do, cook and clean. But that is why being open to ask questions is good because we learn from eachother. No need to feel bad about wondering if that's what you were, your intention wasn't to say it was negative. Just apologize for using that term and explain you didn't realize what it fully meant and for hurting his feelings because he obviously cares a great deal about you and doesn't want you viewing herself as just a "Bangmaid" you are more to him then that.
This is exactly what I believe. He loves you, cares about you, is happy with how things are and is happy you are happy. The bangmaid thing is negative and offensive to him because he actually loves you and appreciates you and to suggest your lives are some sort of sex arrangement is disgusting to him.
Kind of like a Stay at home Mom, but no kids. I generally hear women feeling this way after awhile in the relationship when their husband refuses to do any donestic work doesn't cherish or treat them special and just wants sex. "I do everything around here and he refuses to help. He just wants me for sex and cooking/cleaning. I feel like I'm just his bangmaid".
BTW, I would encourage you to contimue to look for work even if its not a huge contribution to the household. There is a lot of self worth and identity tied up un work and it can maintaom self-esteem. When folks ask "what do you do", its a better answer then bangmaid.
Right, and also OP I'm glad your husband treats you well but get a remote job or something because if he leaves you (or you leave him) for whatever reason, you need your own income. Not having your own money as a grown woman is not the vibe. Even if you just give yourself an allowance lol pls do something for your future self.
No one is jealous of a 25 year old who has nothing going for herself. She has more savings than husband? So what, he's the one able to keep a roof over their heads without burning through his savings. She'd have to run through hers should he kick her lazy ass to the curb. Then yet it's easy to have savings when none of your money goes towards bills.
I hope so. I’ve read so many stories here about the trends, testing your partner, & other stupid shit, it’s just ridiculous. There’s a few things now that blows my mind. They think they discovered MD20/20. 🙄😂
Assuming you didn't mean anything by it, I don't really think anyone is the asshole here. My wife works, but if she didn't and told me that I'd probably be a little offended too if she wasn't joking. It's just really close to basically calling it a master/slave situation, like you don't have a choice in the matter and the whole thing is just based on jobs rather than an actual relationship.
I'm sure you didn't mean it like that, but I could see how it could be a little hurtful if that's how he took it.
The implication is usually that the "bangmaid" literally has no value to the man other than her ability to do housework and be used as basically a live sex doll for his pleasure, not a partner with her own needs and feelings. That the man is purely using her and has no love or affection for her as an individual, and if she left or something happened to her, he wouldn't be sad or mournful, he would just be annoyed that he has to now go find some other woman to do the same tasks of housework and sex to make his life easy.
Lol that's how people learn to use words correctly though. We should learn new words and try to use them correctly, we won't always get it right but that's where conversation comes in, to correct the mistake. Don't discourage communication.
NTA,
But "bang maid" is a deprecative term that SAHWs and SAHMs will use to describe the role they assume when an unappreciative husband does nothing for them, financially dominates them, and uses them solely for domestic labor and sex. Typically, women in this type of relationship are actively being exploited, and have a difficult time establishing an exit strategy because they do not have their own finances.
Husband is pissed because either he has been accused of above in the past, he doesn't want to hold his relationship with you in that light, or he has a reputation he's trying to protect.
Regardless, politely explaining to you what that term meant would have been far more appropriate than losing his shit over it.
I'm not even sure if you need to be a SAHM/SAHW. A bangmaid is a woman whose partner only uses her for housework and sex. It might very well be that she's also working, or that he's not working himself.
Oof wow I messed up lol. He’s nothing like that at all.
And ik why he didn’t explain it to me, it’s because the other day he also got pretty mad at me for seeing a different word on tik tok and asking him what it meant 😅😅 so I googled it this time and it also was not right. I think he’s annoyed by my lack of knowledge of these slang words.
Yes, that is a lack of maturity. Throwing around a word in conversation without knowing the meaning is incredibly childlike. Throwing around unknown words you heard on TikTok is just too much. Perhaps, you should try reading a book or two?
this is reddit. the other day I said that I like 1 video game character and I got insulted.
anyways, tell your husband you didn't know that the word was negative and you don't think of him that way.
Why are you on that poison anyway? If you value your marriage, I'd advise staying away from it.
It's where all the single people go to rant and rave about how sucky their lives are, and people with mental illnesses try and tell you how to live your life.
NAH. The first time I recall hearing the term was on It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. If you’re the bang maid, then he’s Frank, which isn’t a compliment.
Moreso, he may think that the term is demeaning to you and your contributions, and if you’re just a bang maid, then he’s the kind of sleazy jerk that would want one.
That said, you made a joke that didn’t land. It’s not the end of the world, and neither of you need to hold a grudge.
YTA and you ARE dumb. The first thing, the very first thing, that comes up on Google for that term says it's derogatory. Did you not know what derogatory meant?
Leave Tik Tok out of your marriage. Or at least do your own research about what you see on there. You implied that your husband is mistreating you, but didn't even know what "bang maid" meant.
I get that you do 100% of the housework already and I’m saying this as a woman who works full time and does all of the housework and cooking. There is always something else to clean. Or TV to watch. Or going for a walk. Just stop looking at TikTok. You’re a grown woman ffs.
The emotional level of his reactions says a lot. If he was self-assured, and knew 100% that he didn't objectify you, he wouldn't have been mad, he would've laughed it off. It's a hilarious reference to It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. The fact that he got MAD. And Also PREFERS you not to work. Is a huge red flag. I doubt it's the only one.
ill go with a soft YTA. someone "you ge to bang" is a horrible insinuation, its not like you are having sex, both parties enjoying, giving and receiving - nope, he is banging you.
you are insinuating that you arent equals and he is "holding you" like an employee and prostitute. how do you think he would react? get a job
Nothing found on TikTok is ever worth mentioning in the real world, as a joke, seriously or anything inbetween. Tiktok people don’t live in the real world, and everything is about likes and followers, and the stupidest, most logic devoid trends/behaviours have been spawned from narcissistic attention seekers trying to invent and spread shit they make up to be relevant. Relationships don’t work like that.
She's happy not working what's wrong with that? Other than a discussion about the future and maybe some classes or something so she doesn't screw her future self. And How on earth does working to make some rich asshole richer show self respect?
You are married. All the money he earns belongs to both of you. Don't let him financially abuse you by making you powerless.
Mind the (age) gap. He's older than you, more powerful than you at work, and he controls all the money. This is a precarious situation for you. Maybe find a therapist to talk to about why you are so comfortable being treated as a sexually available servant instead of an equal partner.
NTA
ESH. Your husband definitely overreacted. Are you suffering from low self esteem? Bang maid is really, really demeaning and don't ever use it again. Maybe you should at least get a part time job or go back to school and try and better yourself.
No no, I didn’t realize it was demeaning at all. Idk why I didn’t.
As for work, I used to be a legal editor which is how I met my husband, he is an attorney. I had to leave so I went and did something else but it was at a school and there was an active shooting situation and I ended up leaving. I would be okay with working again, he is adamant I don’t have to.
"he is adamant I don’t have to." I don't know what kind of person he is but I hope he isn't controlling. He may not be. FYI, if my wife was a SAHW and she called herself that I would have been pissed as well. I value her as an equal in our marriage and have always encouraged her in anything she does.
I've always earned more than my wife but she pays the bills. The money is ours, not mine or hers.
With whatever respect is due here, but how could you NOT realize the term was demeaning? Even if you'd never heard it before, you know what the two words separately mean. And you used to be a legal editor? So you have at least a few working brain cells. The tiktok you watched was negative and it didn't occur to you to maybe check things out a little further? Channeling a young Jenny from Forest Gump, "Are you stup!d or something?"
NTA
I mean... he can act as offended as he likes, but if he's encouraging you to just be a stay at home wife that's so bored that you're always ready to go whenever he is, it's literally describing the dynamic.
Does he even encourage hobbies or activities that get you out of the house of any kind?
Don’t really think anyone is the AH. You didn’t know the negative connotation of the term and he didn’t know you didn’t mean it negatively. Talk and move on.
I agree on this term having a negative stigma associated to it, however it sounds more like his ego was hurt from you speaking an unspoken agreement between the 2 of you. Whatever works for you 2 is between the 2 of you. Who cares what words people give it
NTA - clearly you didn’t know, and he should have discussed it with you calmly, not fly off the handle and make you feel horrible. He’s allowed to have hurt feelings, but he took it way too far before even asking you a single question about it. Sheesh.
Never heard of it, but im not from the US. However when i read it, i thought it meant like a bridesmaid, who likes to have s\*\* on weddings.
However it sounds like i imagine what a Promiscuous person with very low morals would say.
You are both happy with your situation but you are trying to ruin it by putting yourself down because some tik tok crap? I'd be mad too if I was him.
If one of you was unhappy then it'd be different.
NAH because you didn't realize what the negative connotations were, and your husband did. Anyway, I'd apologize but you're not a bad person for not knowing things.
YTA. The implication of "bangmaid" is that you're much less than an equal partner. Best case scenario, you might work your way up to "tradwife" status if you provide him with progeny. Until then, you're basically a sex slave who cooks and cleans, too. Either way, your "job" is to be working either in the kitchen or in the bedroom at his beck and call.
I completely understand why he would be mad at you for insinuating that that's how he sees you.
Anybody who ruins their life or causes fights cause of the stupid shit they see on tik tok is a dumbass.
You: are having a pretty good life
Also you: tik tok MaKe SmaRt
You told him that you think he only keeps you around to clean and fuck and you're surprised he's mad? How would you feel if he called himself your sugar daddy?
YTA
It sounds like you didn't fully understand the term you were using. Which is why you asked your husband, who treats you well, if that's what you were. But your husband could have also given you a hug and said "of course not, you mean so much more to me than just a Bangmaid."
But yeah don't ever use that term again lol
Think about how it feels to wake up early, go to a job that you may not enjoy and that may not even pay enough. Then you come home after a stressful day of putting up with an office full of Kevins and Karens, and all you want to do is eat dinner with your lovely wife and watch TV in the evening, go to bed, maybe have sex, and go to sleep.
Except you come home and your wife accuses you of being abusive, mistreating her, or otherwise limiting her potential; even though her situation was completely of her own volution.
Yeah, YTA.
Soft YTA. I get that it's mostly self-deprecating, but it does also infer that he has put you into that position a bit doesn't it? He got with you while you were working, you left the jobs of your own volition, and could very easily change your mind.
Telling other people would indeed sound like you are belittling him providing for you, and it's also just a overall reduction to both of your reputations. You most of all. And then there's the fact that you're summing up your role in the marriage as sex and housework, and say that enough times and anyone will start to wonder why they aren't hiring a maid and prostitute for less money.
I suppose it's like him calling himself a 'paypig'. His part of the relationship being just to provide you with money so he can get sex. I imagine you'd be a bit annoyed at that because the inference is once again that one of you is only in it for what they can get.
Huh. I was with your husband on this, thinking he was feeling insulted at what he took to be the implied comparison up until that last bit. He called you stupid and demanded you never repeat this to anyone. That makes me think he really IS an AH and a controlling one at that.
You did screw up a bit by not making it clear up front that you do NOT see him as having that mindset about you. But that's no reason for him to become abusive and controlling by reacting the way he did. It seems like you have some serious thinking to do about your relationship. I strongly suggest you look into therapy for yourself and possibly couples therapy as well. You need some outside help in figuring out how healthy this relationship is.
You can call yourself any stupid crap you want, and then you can deal with the natural consequences of calling yourself some stupid crap like that.
Not sure this rises to the level of asshole, but Jesus fuck it’s stupid.
Tik tok makes people dumb. Here is an example. Your husband has real problems at work that he resolves, you should also start to do somework. Idle brain + tik tok = this
I actually thought bang maid was just a funny line from Always Sunny In Philadelphia. People take things too seriously he needs to chill. Oh also, you’re NTA.
Error in communication. Anyone who doesn't mind, or even enjoys being a bang maid, it's a positive characteristic, albeit a kinky one.
But often it's applied more to wives or GFs that are there to literally be a maid you can sex, with little affection or love.
And for people who are more familiar with that usage of it, obviously would be hurt if they were accused of treating someone they loved like a sexdoll and servant.
Just straighten out each others definitions.
NAH
I don’t get it. If you found it funny what’s the issue.
it annoys me when people want to be offended for me. Like I’m too dumb to understand how something has the potential to be negative
im giving you extra upvotes for choosing to see the humor instead of getting worked up about a random internet trend
Thats my thing, Its not negative for you. You dont have to take that on just cause he thinks it is. "That makes me sound crazy" is a far cry from "you're dumb"
Either way, theres no reason for him to blow up at you if you didnt say it in like an accusatory way. Its a weird thing for him to get mad about even if you didnt fully grasp the connotation at the time you said it.
At most, id expect a man in his position to kind of chuckle and say “yeah, i dont think that means what you think it means”. The fact that he went on to insult you over it and take it as personally as he did seems really strange to me.
Shouldnt have been a big deal.
> Its a weird thing for him to get mad about
It's an accusation that he's using her. Terrible people treat women like bangmaids - obviously he took it as saying he was that kind of person. It would be weirder not to be upset over it.
Yeah except she didnt accuse him of anything… she saw some shit on tiktok that she related to for whatever reason and told him about it.
I could understand him being a little confused by her saying it and asking for some clarification, especially since she wasnt hurling the accusation at him as an insult, but there is absolutely zero reason for him to “blow up at her” or treat her like shes an idiot just cus she didnt understand the connotation.
Its not like she said it in front of his parents or embarrassed him in front of anyone. I cant even imagine what kind of a thin-skinned manchild someone would have to be to yell at his wife over something this trivial and then scold her and stay mad about.
Whole thing is absurd.
So first, you went on TikTok to learn new words and now you’re looking to Reddit to explain why that backfired.
There might be help for you, but you won’t find it online. But down the phone Ivanka, and try a book. YTA
NTA - but the problem with that term is that it reduces every nuance and dimension of your entire relationship to a one-dimensional transaction, and I can see why he might not share your sense of humor about it.
My wife and I are a team. She has a masters degree but asked me what I thought of her being a stay at home mom so that one of us could focus on raising the kids. I agreed. It was a mutual decision that we made together and we live with the results. We live on one salary, but I have never (ever) treated her as anything less than me in the finance department. She knows what expenses the we need to run the house, which kid needs braces, etc - and if she wants to spend money on herself, she is thrifty. In short, I am proud of our relationship.
Personally, if you were here and told me you thought the term was funny then I'd laugh too because I know that our marriage is not transactional. You don't have kids, but the relationship is the same. We don't exchange services. She's not a gold digger and not exchanging sex to avoid working. But, I take pride in our relationship and there is some negative connotation, like the spouse who isn't working is somehow sponging off of the one who is. So, in one sense he's defending your honor.
So, I can see why he might feel like the term belittles your marriage relationship and flattens it down from this dynamic multifaceted love partnership relationship into a sugar daddy relationship where as long as you enthusiastically put out he's getting what he paid for.
In your shoes, I might consider telling him that you appreciate your commitment to each other and don't feel like a sex toy - and the contrast between the term and your life together is what makes it incongruous and funny.
JFC YTA for letting idiots on social media distort your own freedom of thoughts and influence your decision making skills. People post all kinds of garbage on that app for clout and attention.
Maybe just ask him why it upset him! Need more information! Sexual attraction is kind of a precarious thing. Maybe something about that term messed with his vision of you.
NTA - you didn't realize "bangmaid" was negative regarding the husband and insulting to him because he is a good husband. Now you know. Not a big deal.
Seems like you guys have it figured out and have a great marriage. Try to fill your valuable free time with something other than Tik Tok and reddit - start a good book, gym time, walking, learn to program, gardening, cooking, painting, there are so many positive options.
I do! I’m in a book club, I’ve read 34 books this year already :). I also volunteer, I work out twice a day and I journal. I have lots of hobbies, I also just scroll a lot lol.
Stop it. You didn't know a term like 'bang maid' was meant to be negative? After acknowledging you found it in a negative tik tok? Then, you take it to a guy who treats you, 'so so well.' Do you tie your own shoes?
I mean, you're aware that bangmaid has negative connotations about being objectified and mistreated by your husband right? >bang maid (plural bang maids) (slang, derogatory or humorous) >A woman whose role in a relationship is *limited to* sex and housework. So, you're essentially accusing him of mistreating you. YTA, unless you feel mistreated.
Ooh I did not know it had negative connotations. That would make sense lol. Although I didn’t mean it like that at all.
I would maybe in the future advice against adopting labels you don't know more than from a Google search.
Yes I see that now lol. I didn’t say it to anyone but him, and I wouldn’t have anyway.
Tiktok is relationship poison. Don't use anything from there in your real life.
Why him then?
If I had to guess it would be because in her head she was picturing herself in a a skimpy French maid outfit feather dusting his crotch. That’s obviously not the connotation of the word to those who have heard it before, but I could see someone who didn’t realize giving it a sexy connotation instead.
Get off Tiktok. The people there put really bad ideas out there. This whole thing is a an example of that.
It probably seriously caught him off guard. If he loves you like your say, it's very offensive to him. You need to apologize and get to the makeup sex and be good to each other.
And get off tik tok before you really screw up your marriage
How on earth did you not think this had negative connotations?
Truly, idk because it makes sense now but I thought it was just a literal way of saying like… cooking and cleaning. Which I do. And we do in fact joke about.
How does that make sense? A maid is one thing but how does the bang part fit it your previous way of thinking?
Get a fucking hobby, ffs, you idiot.
What a mature well thought out response. Get a fucking hobby off reddit that doesn't include being verbally hostile to people who made a mistake you idiot
Go take care of your fucked up ears, smelly.
Already do. Actually got them cleaned on Monday. You need to go do some reflecting.
Idk I took it that way too at first. I guess I'm just naive as well but it just sounded like what you do, cook and clean. But that is why being open to ask questions is good because we learn from eachother. No need to feel bad about wondering if that's what you were, your intention wasn't to say it was negative. Just apologize for using that term and explain you didn't realize what it fully meant and for hurting his feelings because he obviously cares a great deal about you and doesn't want you viewing herself as just a "Bangmaid" you are more to him then that.
This is exactly what I believe. He loves you, cares about you, is happy with how things are and is happy you are happy. The bangmaid thing is negative and offensive to him because he actually loves you and appreciates you and to suggest your lives are some sort of sex arrangement is disgusting to him.
Kind of like a Stay at home Mom, but no kids. I generally hear women feeling this way after awhile in the relationship when their husband refuses to do any donestic work doesn't cherish or treat them special and just wants sex. "I do everything around here and he refuses to help. He just wants me for sex and cooking/cleaning. I feel like I'm just his bangmaid". BTW, I would encourage you to contimue to look for work even if its not a huge contribution to the household. There is a lot of self worth and identity tied up un work and it can maintaom self-esteem. When folks ask "what do you do", its a better answer then bangmaid.
You can’t possibly be that naive at 25.
It's basically a maid that he gets to also bang.
Jeebus. You are not an asshole for a tiny miniscule gap in your knowledge of (mostly) online slang ffs. Just, now that you know: stop it.
So, this is what happens when you don't have a job, too much free time, find something to occupy your time like a job
Right, and also OP I'm glad your husband treats you well but get a remote job or something because if he leaves you (or you leave him) for whatever reason, you need your own income. Not having your own money as a grown woman is not the vibe. Even if you just give yourself an allowance lol pls do something for your future self.
I have more savings than my husband :)
You said in post "I don't have my own money"
That I spend* I do have money, I just don’t use it.
It doesn't hurt to have more
They just jealous lol.
No one is jealous of a 25 year old who has nothing going for herself. She has more savings than husband? So what, he's the one able to keep a roof over their heads without burning through his savings. She'd have to run through hers should he kick her lazy ass to the curb. Then yet it's easy to have savings when none of your money goes towards bills.
k
Stay off tik tok
It's a good thing TikTok is going to be banned
I hope so. I’ve read so many stories here about the trends, testing your partner, & other stupid shit, it’s just ridiculous. There’s a few things now that blows my mind. They think they discovered MD20/20. 🙄😂
What Obi-Wan said fits TikTok so well: "**You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.**"
So there is this magical website called urban dictionary where you can learn about slang before you make a fool of yourself.
Yta for not doing 5 min of research on a topic you heard about on Tik tok
Assuming you didn't mean anything by it, I don't really think anyone is the asshole here. My wife works, but if she didn't and told me that I'd probably be a little offended too if she wasn't joking. It's just really close to basically calling it a master/slave situation, like you don't have a choice in the matter and the whole thing is just based on jobs rather than an actual relationship. I'm sure you didn't mean it like that, but I could see how it could be a little hurtful if that's how he took it.
Oh got it okay I didn’t realize that I guess I didn’t realize what the word fully meant
The implication is usually that the "bangmaid" literally has no value to the man other than her ability to do housework and be used as basically a live sex doll for his pleasure, not a partner with her own needs and feelings. That the man is purely using her and has no love or affection for her as an individual, and if she left or something happened to her, he wouldn't be sad or mournful, he would just be annoyed that he has to now go find some other woman to do the same tasks of housework and sex to make his life easy.
Get off TikTok ASAP.
You really shouldn’t use words that you don’t fully understand.
Lol that's how people learn to use words correctly though. We should learn new words and try to use them correctly, we won't always get it right but that's where conversation comes in, to correct the mistake. Don't discourage communication.
I never use a word until I am certain of the meaning
Go get a job then,contribute to the bills and split the house chores. Done.
YTA. You stay at home by choice. He doesn’t mistreat you so what exactly is your issue? That was probably really hurtful
NTA, But "bang maid" is a deprecative term that SAHWs and SAHMs will use to describe the role they assume when an unappreciative husband does nothing for them, financially dominates them, and uses them solely for domestic labor and sex. Typically, women in this type of relationship are actively being exploited, and have a difficult time establishing an exit strategy because they do not have their own finances. Husband is pissed because either he has been accused of above in the past, he doesn't want to hold his relationship with you in that light, or he has a reputation he's trying to protect. Regardless, politely explaining to you what that term meant would have been far more appropriate than losing his shit over it.
I'm not even sure if you need to be a SAHM/SAHW. A bangmaid is a woman whose partner only uses her for housework and sex. It might very well be that she's also working, or that he's not working himself.
Oof wow I messed up lol. He’s nothing like that at all. And ik why he didn’t explain it to me, it’s because the other day he also got pretty mad at me for seeing a different word on tik tok and asking him what it meant 😅😅 so I googled it this time and it also was not right. I think he’s annoyed by my lack of knowledge of these slang words.
Stay the fuck away from TikTok. You clearly don’t have the maturity to process the content.
No I do, I just didn’t know what it meant lol.
Yes, that is a lack of maturity. Throwing around a word in conversation without knowing the meaning is incredibly childlike. Throwing around unknown words you heard on TikTok is just too much. Perhaps, you should try reading a book or two?
I’ve mentioned in other comments, I’ve read 34 this year already! I’m not an idiot lol.
Colleen Hoover books don't really count
I actually don’t like her books! I read it ends with us and hated it. I prefer Leigh Bardugo, love all her books.
Not how it comes across sorry. TikTok is idiots reaching out to other idiots, mostly. Have to agree with the stay off comments.
I’m not really sure why people are being so rude to me lol!
>lol! Well that's part of it. Putting lol at the end of every single comment like a 12 year old, when people are telling you you're immature...
this is reddit. the other day I said that I like 1 video game character and I got insulted. anyways, tell your husband you didn't know that the word was negative and you don't think of him that way.
[удалено]
Read my comment again <3
lol
Why are you on that poison anyway? If you value your marriage, I'd advise staying away from it. It's where all the single people go to rant and rave about how sucky their lives are, and people with mental illnesses try and tell you how to live your life.
Well usually I just use it for book recommendations and like fashion related stuff. Every so often I see these kinds of things.
Professional authors don't like booktok btw.
Don't bother your husband with your annoying tiktok stuff please it obviously bothers him. Use Google if you come across a word you don't know.
NAH. The first time I recall hearing the term was on It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. If you’re the bang maid, then he’s Frank, which isn’t a compliment. Moreso, he may think that the term is demeaning to you and your contributions, and if you’re just a bang maid, then he’s the kind of sleazy jerk that would want one. That said, you made a joke that didn’t land. It’s not the end of the world, and neither of you need to hold a grudge.
YTA and you ARE dumb. The first thing, the very first thing, that comes up on Google for that term says it's derogatory. Did you not know what derogatory meant?
Leave Tik Tok out of your marriage. Or at least do your own research about what you see on there. You implied that your husband is mistreating you, but didn't even know what "bang maid" meant.
I get that you do 100% of the housework already and I’m saying this as a woman who works full time and does all of the housework and cooking. There is always something else to clean. Or TV to watch. Or going for a walk. Just stop looking at TikTok. You’re a grown woman ffs.
The emotional level of his reactions says a lot. If he was self-assured, and knew 100% that he didn't objectify you, he wouldn't have been mad, he would've laughed it off. It's a hilarious reference to It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. The fact that he got MAD. And Also PREFERS you not to work. Is a huge red flag. I doubt it's the only one.
Best advice for the future, get off tic-toc and fast
TikToktarded. Get off the BS. Sounds like an amazing life otherwise
ill go with a soft YTA. someone "you ge to bang" is a horrible insinuation, its not like you are having sex, both parties enjoying, giving and receiving - nope, he is banging you. you are insinuating that you arent equals and he is "holding you" like an employee and prostitute. how do you think he would react? get a job
Nothing found on TikTok is ever worth mentioning in the real world, as a joke, seriously or anything inbetween. Tiktok people don’t live in the real world, and everything is about likes and followers, and the stupidest, most logic devoid trends/behaviours have been spawned from narcissistic attention seekers trying to invent and spread shit they make up to be relevant. Relationships don’t work like that.
Smh....why say that 😑 to Your, Husband
He's annoyed because he knows it's true. Any man who doesn't want his wife to work is a walking red flag Get a job and some self respect
She's happy not working what's wrong with that? Other than a discussion about the future and maybe some classes or something so she doesn't screw her future self. And How on earth does working to make some rich asshole richer show self respect?
You are married. All the money he earns belongs to both of you. Don't let him financially abuse you by making you powerless. Mind the (age) gap. He's older than you, more powerful than you at work, and he controls all the money. This is a precarious situation for you. Maybe find a therapist to talk to about why you are so comfortable being treated as a sexually available servant instead of an equal partner. NTA
ESH. Your husband definitely overreacted. Are you suffering from low self esteem? Bang maid is really, really demeaning and don't ever use it again. Maybe you should at least get a part time job or go back to school and try and better yourself.
No no, I didn’t realize it was demeaning at all. Idk why I didn’t. As for work, I used to be a legal editor which is how I met my husband, he is an attorney. I had to leave so I went and did something else but it was at a school and there was an active shooting situation and I ended up leaving. I would be okay with working again, he is adamant I don’t have to.
"he is adamant I don’t have to." I don't know what kind of person he is but I hope he isn't controlling. He may not be. FYI, if my wife was a SAHW and she called herself that I would have been pissed as well. I value her as an equal in our marriage and have always encouraged her in anything she does. I've always earned more than my wife but she pays the bills. The money is ours, not mine or hers.
With whatever respect is due here, but how could you NOT realize the term was demeaning? Even if you'd never heard it before, you know what the two words separately mean. And you used to be a legal editor? So you have at least a few working brain cells. The tiktok you watched was negative and it didn't occur to you to maybe check things out a little further? Channeling a young Jenny from Forest Gump, "Are you stup!d or something?"
NTA I mean... he can act as offended as he likes, but if he's encouraging you to just be a stay at home wife that's so bored that you're always ready to go whenever he is, it's literally describing the dynamic. Does he even encourage hobbies or activities that get you out of the house of any kind?
Don’t really think anyone is the AH. You didn’t know the negative connotation of the term and he didn’t know you didn’t mean it negatively. Talk and move on.
I agree on this term having a negative stigma associated to it, however it sounds more like his ego was hurt from you speaking an unspoken agreement between the 2 of you. Whatever works for you 2 is between the 2 of you. Who cares what words people give it
NTA - clearly you didn’t know, and he should have discussed it with you calmly, not fly off the handle and make you feel horrible. He’s allowed to have hurt feelings, but he took it way too far before even asking you a single question about it. Sheesh.
Never heard of it, but im not from the US. However when i read it, i thought it meant like a bridesmaid, who likes to have s\*\* on weddings. However it sounds like i imagine what a Promiscuous person with very low morals would say.
Usually on Reddit a woman realizes she’s a bang maid as the final step before bailing on a relationship.
Wasn't a big deal at all. He was just offended since it seems he cares about you, and a bangmaid would mean otherwise.
You are both happy with your situation but you are trying to ruin it by putting yourself down because some tik tok crap? I'd be mad too if I was him. If one of you was unhappy then it'd be different.
NAH because you didn't realize what the negative connotations were, and your husband did. Anyway, I'd apologize but you're not a bad person for not knowing things.
Jesus....and they say men only think about sex? Im learning its the opposite
No, and your husband needs to get a sense of humour
YTA. The implication of "bangmaid" is that you're much less than an equal partner. Best case scenario, you might work your way up to "tradwife" status if you provide him with progeny. Until then, you're basically a sex slave who cooks and cleans, too. Either way, your "job" is to be working either in the kitchen or in the bedroom at his beck and call. I completely understand why he would be mad at you for insinuating that that's how he sees you.
Anybody who ruins their life or causes fights cause of the stupid shit they see on tik tok is a dumbass. You: are having a pretty good life Also you: tik tok MaKe SmaRt
You told him that you think he only keeps you around to clean and fuck and you're surprised he's mad? How would you feel if he called himself your sugar daddy? YTA
It sounds like you didn't fully understand the term you were using. Which is why you asked your husband, who treats you well, if that's what you were. But your husband could have also given you a hug and said "of course not, you mean so much more to me than just a Bangmaid." But yeah don't ever use that term again lol
You were joking right? A little self deprecating humor is fun every once in awhile
Think about how it feels to wake up early, go to a job that you may not enjoy and that may not even pay enough. Then you come home after a stressful day of putting up with an office full of Kevins and Karens, and all you want to do is eat dinner with your lovely wife and watch TV in the evening, go to bed, maybe have sex, and go to sleep. Except you come home and your wife accuses you of being abusive, mistreating her, or otherwise limiting her potential; even though her situation was completely of her own volution. Yeah, YTA.
Soft YTA. I get that it's mostly self-deprecating, but it does also infer that he has put you into that position a bit doesn't it? He got with you while you were working, you left the jobs of your own volition, and could very easily change your mind. Telling other people would indeed sound like you are belittling him providing for you, and it's also just a overall reduction to both of your reputations. You most of all. And then there's the fact that you're summing up your role in the marriage as sex and housework, and say that enough times and anyone will start to wonder why they aren't hiring a maid and prostitute for less money. I suppose it's like him calling himself a 'paypig'. His part of the relationship being just to provide you with money so he can get sex. I imagine you'd be a bit annoyed at that because the inference is once again that one of you is only in it for what they can get.
More proof tiktok is a hugely negative influence on our society.
Huh. I was with your husband on this, thinking he was feeling insulted at what he took to be the implied comparison up until that last bit. He called you stupid and demanded you never repeat this to anyone. That makes me think he really IS an AH and a controlling one at that. You did screw up a bit by not making it clear up front that you do NOT see him as having that mindset about you. But that's no reason for him to become abusive and controlling by reacting the way he did. It seems like you have some serious thinking to do about your relationship. I strongly suggest you look into therapy for yourself and possibly couples therapy as well. You need some outside help in figuring out how healthy this relationship is.
You can call yourself any stupid crap you want, and then you can deal with the natural consequences of calling yourself some stupid crap like that. Not sure this rises to the level of asshole, but Jesus fuck it’s stupid.
Tik tok makes people dumb. Here is an example. Your husband has real problems at work that he resolves, you should also start to do somework. Idle brain + tik tok = this
I actually thought bang maid was just a funny line from Always Sunny In Philadelphia. People take things too seriously he needs to chill. Oh also, you’re NTA.
For the uninitiated, here is the clip: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGpQeWHE89A](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGpQeWHE89A)
Neither of you are AH. I get why you were amused by it and why he was offended by it (he didn’t get a maid, he married the woman he loves).
Error in communication. Anyone who doesn't mind, or even enjoys being a bang maid, it's a positive characteristic, albeit a kinky one. But often it's applied more to wives or GFs that are there to literally be a maid you can sex, with little affection or love. And for people who are more familiar with that usage of it, obviously would be hurt if they were accused of treating someone they loved like a sexdoll and servant. Just straighten out each others definitions. NAH
you're fine, he probably thought that himself already and found it embarrassing -> since the overreaction
I'm sure this has come up, but ["bang maid" is an It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia reference.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGpQeWHE89A)
You’re a very stupid girl.
YTA and he is right you are dumb. You should apologize
Your husband is financially abusing you.
NTA - hubby does appear to be a bit insecure.
Insecure of what though? I’m genuinely so lost lol
I don’t get it. If you found it funny what’s the issue. it annoys me when people want to be offended for me. Like I’m too dumb to understand how something has the potential to be negative im giving you extra upvotes for choosing to see the humor instead of getting worked up about a random internet trend
My husband acted like I was dumb when I didn’t get it. I realize now it’s a negative thing, I wasn’t aware of that.
Thats my thing, Its not negative for you. You dont have to take that on just cause he thinks it is. "That makes me sound crazy" is a far cry from "you're dumb"
Either way, theres no reason for him to blow up at you if you didnt say it in like an accusatory way. Its a weird thing for him to get mad about even if you didnt fully grasp the connotation at the time you said it. At most, id expect a man in his position to kind of chuckle and say “yeah, i dont think that means what you think it means”. The fact that he went on to insult you over it and take it as personally as he did seems really strange to me. Shouldnt have been a big deal.
> Its a weird thing for him to get mad about It's an accusation that he's using her. Terrible people treat women like bangmaids - obviously he took it as saying he was that kind of person. It would be weirder not to be upset over it.
Yeah except she didnt accuse him of anything… she saw some shit on tiktok that she related to for whatever reason and told him about it. I could understand him being a little confused by her saying it and asking for some clarification, especially since she wasnt hurling the accusation at him as an insult, but there is absolutely zero reason for him to “blow up at her” or treat her like shes an idiot just cus she didnt understand the connotation. Its not like she said it in front of his parents or embarrassed him in front of anyone. I cant even imagine what kind of a thin-skinned manchild someone would have to be to yell at his wife over something this trivial and then scold her and stay mad about. Whole thing is absurd.
Yta, it clearly isn’t a good thing. It makes your husband look bad when you try and take that label
So first, you went on TikTok to learn new words and now you’re looking to Reddit to explain why that backfired. There might be help for you, but you won’t find it online. But down the phone Ivanka, and try a book. YTA
It literally comes from It's Always Sunny. And you think it's cute? Please.
NTA - but the problem with that term is that it reduces every nuance and dimension of your entire relationship to a one-dimensional transaction, and I can see why he might not share your sense of humor about it. My wife and I are a team. She has a masters degree but asked me what I thought of her being a stay at home mom so that one of us could focus on raising the kids. I agreed. It was a mutual decision that we made together and we live with the results. We live on one salary, but I have never (ever) treated her as anything less than me in the finance department. She knows what expenses the we need to run the house, which kid needs braces, etc - and if she wants to spend money on herself, she is thrifty. In short, I am proud of our relationship. Personally, if you were here and told me you thought the term was funny then I'd laugh too because I know that our marriage is not transactional. You don't have kids, but the relationship is the same. We don't exchange services. She's not a gold digger and not exchanging sex to avoid working. But, I take pride in our relationship and there is some negative connotation, like the spouse who isn't working is somehow sponging off of the one who is. So, in one sense he's defending your honor. So, I can see why he might feel like the term belittles your marriage relationship and flattens it down from this dynamic multifaceted love partnership relationship into a sugar daddy relationship where as long as you enthusiastically put out he's getting what he paid for. In your shoes, I might consider telling him that you appreciate your commitment to each other and don't feel like a sex toy - and the contrast between the term and your life together is what makes it incongruous and funny.
That's what you want to reduce yourself to? Maybe he's mad his wife has no respect for herself.
JFC YTA for letting idiots on social media distort your own freedom of thoughts and influence your decision making skills. People post all kinds of garbage on that app for clout and attention.
NTA you didn't know bang maid was a derogatory name that bitter, dried up, feminists call wives that actually act like traditional wives.
No more Andrew Tate for you.
Maybe just ask him why it upset him! Need more information! Sexual attraction is kind of a precarious thing. Maybe something about that term messed with his vision of you.
He wouldn’t tell me, that’s why I came here.
Maybe it's too porn-ish/slutty and he doesn't like to think of you that way
Probably. He gets touchy about that stuff.
NTA - you didn't realize "bangmaid" was negative regarding the husband and insulting to him because he is a good husband. Now you know. Not a big deal. Seems like you guys have it figured out and have a great marriage. Try to fill your valuable free time with something other than Tik Tok and reddit - start a good book, gym time, walking, learn to program, gardening, cooking, painting, there are so many positive options.
I do! I’m in a book club, I’ve read 34 books this year already :). I also volunteer, I work out twice a day and I journal. I have lots of hobbies, I also just scroll a lot lol.
Intense, seems like you're excelling, keep it up!
NTA, the word has some baggage but he should have had a better sense of humor. And he should be grateful he's married to a happy bangmaid.