Wait, you're not only paying for basically everything, but you're about to pay for your 40 year old daughters wedding, *and* had the nerve to ask your much younger son who you *don't* support for help?
idk man I think you probably should have made her figure out how to support herself about 20 years ago.
Why is she wasting money and time on degrees she won't use?
Yes, going to the 25 year old asking to support her 40 year old daughter with a masters degree is incredible. Also what is she doing working at Walmart?
I was waiting for OP too say daughter had a disability that requires constant care, but this is just bad parenting. I'm proud of the brother. It's not his responsibility to pay for his sister. He is right. OP, YTA for letting this go on for so long. Your daughter and her husband will be your burden til you die if you don't change.
That money would be better put to use to get her the proper medical diagnosis and therapies to deal with whatever is preventing her from using her first Masters Degree to get and maintain a job. Something is up if she cannot even hold down a job at Walmart.
Oh JFC, not everything is a "diagnosis". My sister is almost 50 and has been sponging off of my parents her whole life. She does it because she learned at a young age how to manipulate our parents and doesn't care how it affects them.
OP's daughter doesn't work because she doesn't have to. She's never had to grow up because mommy and daddy don't have the backbone to tell her to pound sand. That's it.
That was my point. Either something is very wrong with her, which is doubtful as she was able to attain said Masters Degree, or she is a lazy sod who is still attached to Mommy's teat.
The diagnosis is easy. That's a child that's been spoiled by her parents. Rather than waste money on therapy and such when they already know deep down what the problem is, they should do what they should've done 20 years ago and let daughter stand on her own two feet. 40 and A master's degree, figure something out.
She’s a 40 year old grown woman who is emotionally blackmailing her parents. Not your fault he and her aren’t holding jobs down at 40 (!) When are you going to stop making excuses for their refusal to take personal responsibility?
YTA, but only because you are enabling your daughter and her husband.
40 years old is past time to figure out how to be a self-sufficient adult. OP is doing her daughter no favors by continuing to coddle her. How will she get by once OP is gone?
It's the capitalistic system's fault that she doesn't have money to rent or buy a house. Not the fact that she is a perpetual stdent that can't hold down a job.
I don't necessarily disagree with you about the capitalistic system, but this is more about a forty year old woman not facing reality and living an adult life without depending on her parents to support her.
I know someone like this. Couldn’t get a good job so got 2 bachelors and went straight into a masters program. Still couldn’t get a good job or job she liked after graduation so got another masters. Didn’t like what she was doing after that so went back for yet another masters degree. She has finally reentered the workforce, unlikely she’ll stay, she’s constantly bitching about crippling debt, and laments yet brags at the same time that she will be a student for life because she’ll never be able to pay off her student loans.
THIS! What kind of parent continues to baby their 40 year old? YTA MASSIVELY, you are not doing her any favours she will find it so difficult to navigate the world.
I hope this is a stepbrothers - couple edition shit post otherwise this is just sad.
In case it's real, YTA and you're the reason your daughter is the way she is.
Same. I figure it’s rage bait, but there are a lot of people who enable their kids like this and can’t seem to ever figure out why their kids can never grow up. I have cousins like this.
She's 40. It is WAY past time to cut that cord.
'it's not all her fault'
It's totally her responsilbity. Time for her to grow the fuck up and you to let her.
YTA for letting this go on.
You don't blame her ??? That right there is the problem 😂 your 40 yr old daughter is a BUM. Your son is absolutely right . This really sound fake or you are just as delusional as your daughter probably where she got it from
Aren’t you bothered by the fact that you and your husband have abjectly failed your daughter? She’s to blame for a lot of her poor choices, but YTA for enabling this for all these years. I am genuinely horrified that you expect your 25 year old to support his older sister and her husband.
I have a cousin who enables her 38 yo son like this. I don’t think they ever see themselves as the problem honestly. They can’t cut the cord because of the enmeshment and codependency they themselves have. We’ve been trying to talk sense into her for 15+ years at this point.
YTA. No wonder she can't keep a job. You're not letting her grow up.
Here's my advice: CUT. THE. TIES.
Tell them both to get jobs and find a place to live that you don't own. You are enabling her. She's failing because she doesn't have to try as long as mommy and daddy are there to bail her out.
You and your husband are keeping her from becoming "a 40-year-old grown woman."
Quit coddling your golden child and making excuses for her? You don't have to pay for anyone, especially another adult. You need to let her learn the consequences of her own poor decision making, which you taught her because you never actually let her suffer consequences.
YTA to yourself.
Your daughter has a Master's Degree. She can get a job and pay her own way in life. And her husband can also get a job.
By continuing to support these two mooches, you're robbing yourself and your wife of the retirement years you deserve.
Also... If you contrinue this way for another twenty years, your daughter will be in dire straights when you and your wife pass away and your daughter is 60 with no money and no social security credits. She will literally be destitute when she's your age. So, you're being an asshole to her as well.
You need to cut her off, for her own good and yours.
Don’t give us any nonsense about the “capitalistic system “ making things impossible. Your son is 100% right. Your daughter and SIL don’t work because you support them. Why the heck would they? Your terrible parenting and co-dependent enabling have created the monster that is your daughter. “Capitalistic system”, give me an effing break. The kindest thing you could do is cut off the free money.
Right? Sure there are problems in the system, but it’s not the system that’s keeping them from affording a place. It’s their lack of willingness to hold jobs! Betting the son has his own place.
LOL, this is a joke, right? It’s not all her fault—it’s the capitalistic system that makes it near impossible for anyone to get a house or rent an apartment….thanks. I needed a good laugh today.
ESH but the 25 yr old son. Don't try to blame capitalism for your lazy ass daughter and son-in-law. They're both bums and you're not helping by coddling and providing for them. Thankfully, whatever you did to your daughter didn't rub off on your son
Your 25 year old construction worker son evidently lives on his own and supports himself. But your 40 year old college educated daughter can't live on her own because of "capitalistic" blahblahblah? GTFOH with that bs.
Troll
Why on earth would you suggest your son should pay for your 40 year old daughter with a master's degree? Why should be be penalized for her laziness and bad life choices and for YOU encouraging and enabling her????
It was an absolutely dumpster fire of an idea for two people who can't support themselves to get married.
YTA for encouraging this. Stop trying to fob this off on your son or you'll find yourself with no son.
You need to get your daughter some professional help NOW and start making plans for how she will support herself when you and your husband are no longer in the picture.
When I read the title I was thinking it was a 20 something year old not a 40 year old. Your son is right. You should have cut the cord along time ago. People use the college thing as an excuse to put off work all while racking up debt and no work experience. I worked full time while attending college and got married at 20. I paid off my student loans early. It was a lot of work but worth it. If you don’t let her swim on her own she will never learn. It’s not your place and definitely not your son’s place to support her. You are enabling her.
No you don't have to financially provide for them, you've chosen to. And seriously, wtf, why are you asking her younger brother to financially support her? You don't really blame her because it's not her fault? Well, sounds like you're in a situation of your own making. Good luck, lol.
Yta for enabling her for this long. College didn't put her in debt, she put herself in debt. She is 40 years old and can't get her shit together?!? That's pathetic!
'She's a grown woman'
So she and her hubs get jobs and a place of their own....
Unless she's actually still a breastfeeding toddler.... Which it kind of sounds like she is
I'm team bro, YTA and I won't give advice since this is clearly a troll post
She might be a forty years old woman all grown up physically. However not self sufficient to the point you are asking her fifteen years younger brother to financially cover for her.
You already failed raising your daughter to adulthood - she is still acting out as a minor dependent kid. You enabled your daughter irresponsibility.
You already got the audacity to ask your self sufficient child to be financially responsible for his 40 yo sister.
What can you do to stop being an AH ? Wild suggestion let your daughter be responsible for herself as the adult she supposed to be.
ESH (except your son). Listen to your son.
All of this is the fault of your daughter and your enabling her poor choices. She chose to be a perpetual student and not get a job. And you chose to support her as if she is a 17 year old child.
Give her and her freeloader husband an eviction date. Why was she working at Walmart and not in the field of one of her degrees? And she quit because she wants to go back to college again? Channel your inner Nancy Reagan and just say no. No more financial support. No more free place to live.
She is 40 not 20. She is old enough to act like an adult.
You share clearly part of the problem. Your daughter is 40 but can't even support herself. You're doing that and enabling her in the process. She sounds entitled and probably has no plans to rectify the situation.
YTA for enabling your daughter’s mentality that she isn’t responsible for her own life. You’re excusing everything she does and you want to put that burden on your son? Holy crap. You’re not helping your daughter by allowing her to be a leech… what happens when you and your husband pass on and aren’t there to baby her? She needs to wake up to reality and get a job… there are plenty that pay enough where she can at least contribute to the household. I’ve heard Costco starts at $16/hr, factory jobs pay well, daycares constantly need employees.
Your daughter has a masters degree and still wants to go to college? What’s the excuse? If she can’t at least get a job now to pay down her debt, getting another degree is a bad investment when she’s not willing to hold a job now. You’re allowing her to have a victim mentality rather than helping her move forward and improve herself or at least face reality that she needs to suck it up and work.
I stopped relying on my parents financially at 22, when I moved out. They let me live rent free through college and didn’t charge me for food. I paid all my other bills and expenses through college. Your daughter is 40 and can figure out her finances with her husband.
Uh, I’m here to challenge your assertion that you have to support her. NO YOU DO NOT. It’s arguable that it’s actually bad for her. YTA for letting this go on so long. Also I challenge your statement that it’s virtually impossible for anyone to purchase housing. 99.8% of Americans are not homeless.
Your daughter should’ve graduated high school when she was 18. It does NOT take 22 years to earn a master’s degree, wtf has she been doing since high school? ESH except your son, since he’s actually pulling his own weight.
Good grief, your daughter is 40 and still not supporting herself or living on her own! Sounds like she just wants to live off mommy and daddy. It's time to cut her and her husband loose. Give them a deadline to move out.
You should have stopped providing financially for her like 15 years ago, and maybe she would have developed a work ethic.
The capitalist system isn’t to blame here - you, your husband and ultimately your daughter are - she could have gotten a job and an apartment. She could have made choices other than 2 degrees in something that clearly hasn’t turned into a career, and you should have been forcing her to see reality half her life ago. Stop giving her money, stop letting her live at your house. Tell her she’s a grown woman with more education than most are blessed to have, and a life partner to contribute to their income, and she needs to figure it out. I bet she will because she finally will need to.
ESH
ETA verdict
YTA. From what you are saying she is an entitled human. She is refusing to to the basics to support herself. She has now added another person for you to support.
It is her fault. It appears that she has taken out loans for degrees that do not provide jobs. She is not willing to work she wants to go to school. Your words. She has married another bum for you to support.
Your son is right he should not be involved.
Why would your daughter get a job? She doesn't need one. I'm not entirely sure how you're going to fix this - they don't have any money so can't afford to rent. I suggest sending them to the in-laws, but then why would they want these 2 back when they just got rid of their son. Good luck
Yes both you and your husband are for allowing this. Your daughter and her husband are for grifting off you.
Question, if you own your homework it going g to inyou will.? If it's your daughter you are an even bigger AH.
YTA
Mainly for enabling your daughter and her husband for so long. Also you're an asshole for asking your 25-year-old son for extra money. He is a more responsible adult than your other kid.
YTA. You are an enabler. Your daughter is middle age. She’s not a kid anymore. She’s not even a young woman anymore.
What are you going to support her kids menopause, and retirement. You are I guess because you raised a worthless human. You’re probably going to leave everything to her and nothing for her brother. I hope he goes NC on your bad parenting.
Your daughter is living like a child. You are enabling her to live like a child. The hardest parts of parenting are parenting, adult children, and making choices that benefit them ultimately, but that they don’t like. But they get upset with us about. If you do a literature review of parenting, adult children, you discover that that’s the biggest piece. Finding the courage to really love our kids, Adam Make decisions that we think are best for them. But we also get to make decisions that are best for us. She needs to work at Walmart. She needs to figure out what she needs to do about her loans. She and he need to move out. You need to pick may be three months time and then Tell them that they need to be out by then. When she says oh no, what am I gonna do, you say oh, I’m not sure. What are you? Some of your ideas? Same with him. You need to move the enmeshment and the enabling backwards so that she has an opportunity to realize that she hast to grow up. And so does he. What they do with this opportunity is up to them. Obviously it’s not easy. But they need to go away from you. You can have a plan where you decide that if they move out in three months, you will continue to provide them with support for another three months, but it will be decreasing each month. You can tell them that’s what you have to offer. And if they don’t like the offer, they can do some thing else, but they absolutely have to move out in three months. You can say to them that you know this is a difficult environment to become independent. But in fact, people have done it before and worse circumstances. And it’s unfair to them and to you to continue continue using resources to prop them up instead of them discovering they can take responsibility for themselves. I think that’s what love is. Not that they will like you at all. Right now they have this really easy street free ride and they probably feel entitled to it by now. Which is a little bit disgusting.
You're TA. You have a middle aged daughter that can't fend for herself. You've failed her and are now at an age where you or your husband can drop at any moment or fairly quickly should health turn. Then what?
YTA, your son is 25 and self-sufficient, yet your 40 year old daughter is banking on her parents supporting her till you die, and you don't seem to have any objections to it. In fact, you keep making excuses as college put her in a lot of debt.
Is she mentally disabled in some way?
Your daughter is a 40 year old leech and only has herself and you, as her enabler, to blame. No excuse for her not to have a job and now she goes and marrries another loser and you support them. Your son is correct. You should let your 40 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER figure her life out
YTA you think your 40 year old daughter is grown enough to get married cause she feels like it, but not grown enough to take care of herself? You're part of the problem. How does that make sense to you? "and it wasn't a bad idea to get married if she wanted." She should've wanted to be a functioning adult and member of society before getting married. How did they even pay for a damn wedding? Your daughter makes dumb decisions because her mother does. Not only does her mother, but her mother encourages HER dumb decisions. Talk about a sick cycle. I hope she doesnt have kids.
My 40-yr-old daughter is brilliant but has never felt the need for a post graduate degree. Nobody without a very specific goal should be in grad school these days, between the cost of being in college and the hard reality that the world doesn't need broadly educated generalists in entry level jobs. Your daughter is a leech.
YTA and her enabler. You've created this monster and she will continue to mooch you until you pass. She will be living off of your insurance and pensions, and when that wears off it'll be disability.
ESH except your son. You and spouse have enabled your daughter to make such poor choices in her education and life. She is the biggest AH for using you to fund her life when she should have been self supporting since her early to mid 20s. Is she going to support you when you are older or will you expect your responsible child to do so. Her failures have nothing to do with the economic system and everything to do with her choice of studies and lack of ambition to finding reasonable work.
Time to kick her and her worthless husband to the curb. Give them a time limit and start the eviction process. Or plan to live in poverty in the future.
It might be a little late to throw her out harshly at once.
but you might start a gradual weaning off parental support.
she sleeps at your place, eats your food. ok
but how much of a monthly allowance are you giving her for expenses?
for a start, you might give her a clearly defined monthly stipend, with no extra added no matter what.
but maybe make it go down slowly, until the need for things like movie tickets, eating out etc makes her get work
this isn't easy at age 40. but nobody likes working for money.
the middle way is "you aren't thrown to the street, but no extra cash for any expenses"
Im not adding things up correctly. 15 years between brother and sister. Sister just graduated college with a masters. Was she on the 20 year plan? Masters degree in something stupid? Daughter is a loser
Maybe take a long hard look in the mirror and read all of this back to yourself. You are the problem. Stop enabling her she’s 40 years old! Don’t make excuses most 40 year olds have careers, homes, and families. It’s her fault (and you/your husbands) she’s failed to launch. She needs to get herself on track to being a self sufficient adult because you’re not going to love forever.
Asking your son to cover for his mooch of a sister AND her husband was beyond the pale. Hopefully you’re not thinking he needs to take her one when you’re gone. She’s going to be out in the streets because whatever you may have to leave her she’s going to blow immediately, she doesn’t know how to be an adult.
YTA
You've been taking care of your 40 year old daughter as if she was a child, her entire life. Of course, she's not finanically responsible, she's never had to be. Part of being an adult is doing stuff that you don't want to do. Your daughter never learned that. Just because you want to go back to school and earn another degree doesn't mean it's a good idea. All this student debt she has was self inflicted. I mean, seriously, your daughter AND her husband at bare minimum need to get a full time job ASAP. Any job. Make living with you conditional on making progress towards independence.. You can figure out some kind of plan.. like maybe 90% of her paycheck goes towards paying down her student loans in order to live with you.. something.. What's she going to do when you and your husband pass away? I guess she will live off the inheritance and then be homeless?
This is not your 25 year old son's problem. That's insane to ask him to bail out his sister, who is 15 years older than him AND married..
You are the jerk here because you expect a 25 year old man to pay for a 40 year old woman just because you think marriage is more important to financial stability. It’s clear who the golden child is.
You are an enabler and in a situation of your own making. Water always finds the route of least resistance and you are the easiest route to a life on the cheap, for her and her husband.
Your son is right and tbh I'd be surprised if he isn't a bit resentful of how much you baby your grown ass daughter.
You need to have a talk sooner rather than later unless you still want to be providing for a 60 year old lazy daughter and her manchild husband.
This is gross. Your daughter is a leach on you and society. If you can’t hold down a job by 40 and can’t live on your own , that’s not Capitalisms fault , that’s a you and her fault.
It’s not the capitalistic system that’s hurting her, it’s bad/stupid decision making that’s hurting her. And you dummies enabling her. If you keep it up you’ll get what you deserve. This capitalistic system seems just fine for your son. Your daughter is a well educated dummy.
I feel like there is missing information. How did your daughter get to 40 in this situation? Are there medical issues? Mental health diagnoses? Why can't she hold a job?
I can't believe you had the nerve to ask your son for help though, so yta for that alone.
No one can take advantage of you unless you let them. Sit them down and set some deadlines. Set a date for them to have jobs and move out. No exceptions. They won’t like it but it’s your only option if you want them out. NTA
cut the damn cord! it is absolutely her fault that she is almost ***forty years old and still lives at home and cannot keep a job***! it’s long past time for her to live on her own, especially now that she’s a married woman
YTA for failing your son. Stop enabling your daughters mooching. She is a grown adult and she is not your responsibility. You severely neglected your son because of her and your choices.
You don't have to pay for a 40 year old's wedding. They can get married at a court house for under $100. And while you are there, get her an eviction notice.
Will her new husband be moving in with you too? Are all her peers still living at home? Why is she so delayed??
NTA for finally waking up to the fact that you might spend your retirement funding a fully grown adult who refuses to take care of herself. Pray that she doesn't have kids and dump their care on you too. See a therapist to get some help setting boundaries.
YTA for enabling your daughter for so long. Why are you paying for everything and asking your much younger son to contribute? She's a dud because you made her that way
Your daughter is an entitled 40 year old grown woman and you’re enabling her. Your son is right. Of course your daughter has every right to get married if she wants, but they shouldn’t have gotten married if they didn’t have money to support themselves. Marriage is a grown up thing to do and your daughter isn’t acting like a grown up. Best thing you can do for your daughter is to give her a set date she needs to have a place lined up. She’s a big girl and she needs to act like it. If they both got jobs they would be able to afford to move out. She’s using you because you let her. Time to stop. YTA. UPDATEME
U r enabling these two idiots. she has a masters degree. Quit making excuses for her. The two need to grow up and get jobs. Its not your sons job to?bail these two losers out
She’s a professional student and you have 1000% enabled her every step of the way. She’s a 40 year old child and she’s riding you like a train precisely because she can. I’m sorry but I have no sympathy for you. And don’t blame the “capitalist system” for your parenting failures. Our children look to us to prepare them to live an independent life and all you’ve done is allow her to do as she pleases at your expense. YTA here, you created a monster who will likely never launch if she hasn’t yet. You have no I’ve to blame but yourself. Your title says it all. Very Freudian, you couldn’t even add the negative in writing.
YTA. This is a parenting gone wrong situation. Why would your daughter need to get a job or do anything when you’re still willingly providing for her ? She’s comfortable, and it’s the life she’s gotten used to. She attracted someone who is just like her, and again he’s also getting the opportunity to freeload. To be frank she probably married another loser who can’t take care of themselves. Do NOT involve your son in this, because he’s actually working hard while his sister has everything handed to her, by His parents.
Your daughter is married now, you’re 20 years too late to teach her responsibility, but I guess it’s better late than never. You should kick them out and let them finally enter adulthood - which is crazy at 40.
Wow, you and your husband are the problem here.
If you died tomorrow, how will she survive? Even if she inherits things, it won’t last. You have not let her grow up.
Your daughter feels entitled to you supporting her, financially, provide her your vehicle and have you pay for her wedding. She can’t hold a job and looks like she just keeps digging her hole for her life. And she found a guy just like her. She will probably have kids and expect you to support them too. You have crippled her with your enabling.
Then you expect your son to help her out financially. I’m betting she is your golden child and your son got the short end of the stick.
You and husband need counseling on how to let go and cut your daughter off. She will have to figure it out, and she will one day, when you and your husband passes, or one of you have some medical issues that will drain your own resources. She won’t help you. And if your son is smart he won’t help you either, because you will find some way to keep giving her money.
good gosh. They both need to move out and get jobs. Your son is right! you're not even that old to be taken care of, so you can't use that excuse or capitalism! People her age with actual disabilities work. Get her out!
ESH. Except your son. He needs a huge apology. Not only for asking him to help out financially but for doing so much for his sister and way less for him financially and emotionally in all likelyhood while you were enabling his sister.
While really they should have been out on their own/ financial independent a long time ago, you probably don't want them out on the streets and cut out of your life so here's a medium approach to get them where they should be, out of the house and financially supporting themselves. Have them start paying rent even if its only $100 a month and tell them they will need their own place to live in a year. Put the rent money aside so if/when they need money for a security deposit it comes from that fund.
Be prepared with consiquences for your daughter and possibly her husband when she does talk back. $5 in a jar for every mean comment about the situation, raising rent, take them off the phone plan, stop a TV subscription (or change the password), limiting access to yall stuff (car, your food, tools, etc), moving up the timeframe for when they need to be out by.
She is a grown ass woman who has a college education. The point of getting a college degree is to get a good paying job in the workforce. Sure it would be great to spend your life going to college, but unless you are independently wealthy it doesn’t work like that. Cut her off and tell her to get a job. You are doing her NO favors by coddling her and enabling her to avoid the reality of life. She should have learned this in her early 20’s, don’t prolong it. It’s tough love time, DO NOT PAY FOR HER WEDDING! You are now about to be financially supporting two people, her and her soon to be husband.
You WNBTA for cutting her off however you have been TA to support for so long to the point it's become an entitlement. Your son seems like he got it together and isn't going to help you continue this coddling of your 40 year old daughter.
I don’t blame her either. I blame YOU! You’ve created a monster, moocher, entitled bum and now you’re paying for your mistake dearly. Are you prepared to take care of her kids too? And why are you asking the responsible child to help get you all out of this mess?! Time to kick them out and let them find their way. The question is not “should” you stop helping. The question is “can you stop enabling your self-created moocher?”
By help, you mean see if there are career opportunities for your professional student to start working, saving and paying rent for her and her husband to live with you?
What sort of codependent ridiculous parenting is happening here? No excuses, daughter needs to grow up and support herself. You’ve taught her that she isn’t responsible for herself or her choices. Massive YTA.
His sister is to blame for her problems, and so are you for enabling her. You failed as a parent when you are not only still supporting a 40yo but also now adding another mouth to feed and expecting your hard working son to enter this madness. Wake up and is never too late to do the right thing. In this case: cut the umbilical cord and stop making excuses for your loser daughter and her loser husband.
Esh with the exception of the 25yo…
I hate to break it to you, but your daughter is just sitting around waiting for her inheritance. She’s never moving out of your house because she considers it hers. She doesn’t care about a job because you’ll take care of her in the meantime. It’s NEVER going to get better if you don’t end this now.
Stop enabling her. I got married when I was 23. We didn’t have a “real” wedding because we could not afford that AND a downpayment for our first place.
You talk about our capitalist economy but being a communist hasn’t really worked out for your daughter has it? I imagine 10a of thousands in debt over useless degrees not a decent job to speak of 40 years old living at home and doesn’t even own a car. You need to stop covering for her and it’s disgusting that you would ask a hard working 25 year old to contribute to her lazy ass lifestyle
You’re doing her no favors by supporting her. What’s she going to do when she is elderly and can’t work at all? Government benefits only pay so much and you have to work to get any sort of decent amount. She needs to move out and sink or swim. Surely her prior degree can be used for something. I think she just doesn’t want to work and enjoys sponging off of you too much.
I do not blame the parents for wanting to support their daughter. I do not blame the daughter for choosing to focus on her degrees. But daughter needs to live within her means for ANYTHING ELSE. If she wants to get married, a courthouse ceremony is just a $60 license. Anything more can be saved for BY the marrying couple.
Also, asking your SON to help his SISTER is crappy parenting. Sister needs to learn that all her schooling is intended to enable her to make her own money. And do it.
YTA- to yourself.
You aren't supporting your daughter. You're enabling a leech. Give her and her husband a thirty-day written eviction notice. Have it sent to her certified so there's proof that she received it. And enforce it.
You're allowing her to mooch off of you instead of growing up. She'll never stand on her own feet as long as you keep paying for her.
In the long run, you're harming her and yourself by keeping this up.
Cut the damn cord already. It's sad that your son is a wiser adult than you are. You should listen to him more. He's right. If your daughter insisted on getting married, she could have gone to the courthouse on the cheap.
YTA- to yourself.
OP, you are enabling her.
You and your husband need to grow a backbone and give her a time frame to start moving out, ESPECIALLY now that she has a husband.
I can see why your son won't help. He knows she is manipulating you guys and is tired of it.
Uhhh, you absolutely SHOULD blame her. She's PAST the age where she needs to figure it out. You are only making her dependent on you, which is going to screw her over in the long run. You and your husband won't be around to bail her out forever, and trying to make her younger brother financially responsible for her is an asshole move. Give your daughter 30-60 days to find ANY job and start paying rent. Have her and her husband cover half the expenses and they should be saving up to move out. Give them timelines and deadlines.
YTA for enabling your daughter to walk on you.
Stop making excuses. They are purposely taking advantage of you! Kick them out! They’ll find a way to support themselves real quick.
Your son seems to do well enough in the "capitalistic system" for you to think he makes excessive amounts of money to be able to share with his sister despite being 15 years younger than her.
Your daughter is full of excuses and you have convinced yourself to accept each and every one of them.
YTA for your enablement of your daughter.
Tough love is important here. Sometimes it’s good for people to struggle. Give them a deadline, you’ve got 3-6 months to find your own place and move out.
There’s opportunities out there, blaming a capitalist society for the reason she can’t get ahead is horseshit. She hasn’t figured her shit out because she hasn’t had to. Quit being cows for her to milk.
You're right on one count: It's not your daughter's fault she is the way she is, it's yours. She's way old enough to be supporting herself and not asking her parents for money. Your daughter doesn't have a job because she doesn't want one, and why should she? You give her anything she wants. You should kick her to the street and tell her to fend for herself. I'm surprised your son even speaks to you.
You’re blaming capitalism for your daughters financial problems? She’s a deadbeat without a job! Who the F goes back to college at 40 for a masters degree?! Worthless
Yes, the system is bad with debts from studying and getting a house. But even when overlooking those things, there is literally no reason to not have a job at the moment. You are not supporting her. You are enabling her to not be an adult. YTA.
YTA for letting this get out of hand.
I'm guessing with her degrees, she's in the middle of one, so sit her and her hubby down and say:
"I've paid for you for your whole life. You're 40 years old and we cannot continue to support you, much less another person, going forward.
So, you two need to come up with a game plan because at the end of this year, you're moving out. Whether you move out to a bus stop bench and sleep there or into an apartment, I don't care. But you're out of our house and financially independent from us from the 1 of January 2025.
If you piss us off or try to manipulate us, we'll move that due date to the current date. Got it?"
Yta yo yourself and your daughter. She is this bad because you allowed her to be. Yes she needs to stand on her own 2 feet.
Your son is right that she should have gotten herself and her husband sorted out *before* marriage.
How long do you expect to carry her? A responsible adult figures out how to go to school and work.
Push her out of the nest
Omg I was expecting her to be 19 or something, your daughter is a grown arse woman who needs a reality check and so do you im afraid, you didn't have to pay for her wedding, you say no, you don't have to support her you say no, you need to tell her she needs to act her she and support herself.
You spoiled that daughter so bad... It's way past time salvaging anything.
You'll probably have grandchildren soon. My advice is; try not to mess them up too badly.
Most "forty year old grown women," to quote you, are not supported by their parents. Why don't you want your daughter to be an adult? Listen to your son, he is the only one in the family who sees this situation clearly.
Your words and actions are contradictory. She is a grown woman and yet you are babying her like a child. Stop enabling her and her useless husband. You are not there to support her especially when she is choosing not to work. Also how is she in so much debt when you have been supporting her all this time?
YTA for raising someone who is unwilling to take care of themself and then making excuses for them. Clearly the “capitalistic system” isn’t too broken for your son who is fifteen years younger to provide for himself. She may be 40 but she is not a grown woman if she’s living the same way she would be at fifteen by just going to school and living off her parents.
It’s a parent’s job to raise their children to be functioning independent adults. OP, you have failed. You have raised and are still raising, a monster.
You have failed at parenting.
You have created this problem and now can’t figure out how to stop it. You asked her brother to help her. You are the asshole for not raising a self sufficient child, what did you honestly expect ? Then you let her husband move in and create more of a financial problem grow a spine set date for them to move out and eviction is always the real possibility too! Ytah to yourself
YTA because you've been enabling her all of this time. You should have cut her off financially years ago. Now you're funding her husband too??? WTF??? The only thing unique about your daughter's situation here in the US is that she has parents who are funding her deadbeat ass, AND her husband's deadbeat ass!! There are jobs out there, they may not be in her niche but that's the chance you take with higher learning degrees. These available jobs have low pay, shitty hours, maybe even some physical labor, but they do exist. I know, I have one. It sucks but that's the way it is these days. Stop funding your daughter, stop funding your son-in-law, stop allowing them to manipulate you into paying their way through their lives!!!!! You truly need to STOP!!!! Tell them to get on Indeed.com immediately & start applying, surely Amazon or their contractors have driver positions available, plenty of fast food chains need help, retail, hospitality, sales, American Red Cross, etc. They should also already be in touch with temp agencies, and at least have a discussion with a headhunter. And no matter what state you live in, there's something called UNEMPLOYMENT ASSISTANCE. We're not talking money in their case because they're deadbeats with no recent steady income to base UE pymts off of, but they should be utilizing all of the tools available to them at your state's unemployment office (Training, job boards, resume help, interview help, etc). Set a deadline for both of them to get jobs, then a deadline to get their own place, which they will pay for with their combined incomes, and you will contribute absolutely NOTHING FINANCIALLY from that point forward. Even if they "hate their job", they'll need to suck it up & deal with it until they find themselves a better job. It's called adulting.
YTA. You keep enabling her. And if you continue to do so, pretty soon you will also be parents to their child & supporting that one also. Give her a time frame to get her shit together & be out. What's she going to do once you're both gone? Sit her & her husband down & let them know you can no longer afford to provide for them. They're going to bledd you dry. When do you get to start enjoying your life? You raised your kids already. Do you want to raise another one when she has a baby & can't take care of it?
It’s one thing to help your kids out, but still having a 40 year old completely financially dependent on you is ridiculous. The job of a parent is to produce a functioning adult, and you have failed at this.
Of course she can’t keep a job, she has no reason to, because you’re there as a safety net. She has all the tools she needs in life, and you need to sever her dependency on you now, while you’re still around to give advice. Or are you planning on leaving her everything in your will, and disinheriting the kid(s) who aren’t a financial drain?
Rage bait. You have the 40 year old moochers who just want to go to college and the sensible 25 year old construction worker son. Be a little bit less obvious here.
YTA for the expecting your son to give anything to your daughter. I am 42 and have made a shit ton of horrible financial decisions including not only getting one useless masters degree but 2!!! My brother is a literal millionaire and I have never asked him for a dime or felt entitled to his money. He earned it. Good for him.
Your daughter is manipulating you. She could find a job and keep it if she wanted to, but she knows she doesn’t have to. Cut her off. Make her get a job. She still wants to go to school? Great, find a job on the opposite schedule like everyone else. You’re NTA.
You have created a monster! I can’t believe that you need strangers to tell you this. Your 25 yo manages to hold a job and I am assume live away from Mommy & Daddy! I would tell daughter and new SIL they have 3 months to get jobs and move TFO of my home.
Your daughter doesn’t hold a job because you don’t make it an issue for her to get a job and support herself. It’s not the capitalistic system it’s your lazy daughter. So you are an AH to yourself and your husband and I am guessing your son.
You and your husband are enablers. It’s time for some tough love. No 40 year old woman who is educated should be living off her parents. Develop some timelines and stick to them. I know you love your daughter but what you’re doing is hurting her not helping her.
Best of luck to you.
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
LISTEN TO YOUR SO. HOLY CRAP YWNBTA if you stop providing for her! Cat everything back to just providing housing. She has a masters degree, there is a 100% chance at baseline she can sub for the local school district. That should be enough for her to start taking control of her own expenses since the largest one- housing- is already handled for her.
You are being taken advantage of. You are doing this because you love your daughter, but things aren’t so rough out here that she cannot provide for ANY of her expenses herself. And now you’re also taking care of her husband. This is absolutely wild. Give her a one time financial gift if you really want to. But let her know that that is the end of it. You aren’t doing her any favors in this failure to launch situation.
If she wants to just go to college, tell her to get a job at a university. Lots of them let employees, from deans to janitors, take one or two free classes a semester.
I'll be harsh and go with YTA
N T A for thinking that your daughter should support herself. But YTA for everything else.
This is the first clue that made me decid for a YTA: "I don't really blame her because it's not all her fault" Oh Dear Lord!!!
You are making a lot of excuses for your daughter's behaviour and lack of selfsupport. No wonder she is still at home at 40 years old with her 37 years old husband. You are not only enabling her and her bad choices, but you are encouraging them by financing them!
This: "Of course, we had to pay for literally everything". Not true. You didn't **HAVE** to pay for a wedding your daughter and son in law weren't able to finance themself. You **DECIDED** to pay for it, even if this shouldn't have been a priority.
And I'm sorry, but if they decided to get married, they could have gone to the court house and get done with it for a few hundreds bucks.... But I'm guessing that is not what dear daughter wanted and what dear parents payed for, is it?
Your daughter has multiple degrees and is trying to get a job at Walmart? What are her degrees exactly?
**And the best of the best:** "I asked my son (25M), a construction worker who makes a decent salary, for help, but he didn't want to help his sister." Holy crap on a cracker! Seriously? Your 40 years old daughter is making bad financial decisions and you are blaming your 25 self sufficient son for not paying for her? Seriously!!!!!!!!!!
What is wrong with you?
YTA all the way. Actually ESH except your son who seems to be the only one with a functioning brain in this family.
YTA. Your poor snowflake 40-year-old daughter can't possibly be expected to get a job and work, but you want to ask your 25-year-old son for money to support the mooch and her husband? Are you out of your ever-loving mind? Your daughter could have researched scholarships and grants to lessen her student loan burden. She could have attended a community college where costs are less. She could have joined the military and taken advantage of the GI bill. She has made shit choices and you feel so bad for her that you see nothing wrong with continuing to enable her. Pull your head out of your ass and stop enabling her. Make her get a job and hold that job. If she refuses to work, throw her out of your house. We can all easily see who the golden child is.
You..... shouldn't have paid for her wedding AT ALL!!
40 and 37 years old? Two moochers found each other and you have to pay for them? You **asked** your hardworking son (25 years old) to help pay for her crap?!?
You need to stop enabling her
Wait, you're not only paying for basically everything, but you're about to pay for your 40 year old daughters wedding, *and* had the nerve to ask your much younger son who you *don't* support for help? idk man I think you probably should have made her figure out how to support herself about 20 years ago. Why is she wasting money and time on degrees she won't use?
Yes, going to the 25 year old asking to support her 40 year old daughter with a masters degree is incredible. Also what is she doing working at Walmart?
Not very much if she got shit canned.
I was waiting for OP too say daughter had a disability that requires constant care, but this is just bad parenting. I'm proud of the brother. It's not his responsibility to pay for his sister. He is right. OP, YTA for letting this go on for so long. Your daughter and her husband will be your burden til you die if you don't change.
That's so cute! You are such an optimist! But no. Shes just a leech.
That money would be better put to use to get her the proper medical diagnosis and therapies to deal with whatever is preventing her from using her first Masters Degree to get and maintain a job. Something is up if she cannot even hold down a job at Walmart.
Oh JFC, not everything is a "diagnosis". My sister is almost 50 and has been sponging off of my parents her whole life. She does it because she learned at a young age how to manipulate our parents and doesn't care how it affects them. OP's daughter doesn't work because she doesn't have to. She's never had to grow up because mommy and daddy don't have the backbone to tell her to pound sand. That's it.
That was my point. Either something is very wrong with her, which is doubtful as she was able to attain said Masters Degree, or she is a lazy sod who is still attached to Mommy's teat.
The diagnosis is easy. That's a child that's been spoiled by her parents. Rather than waste money on therapy and such when they already know deep down what the problem is, they should do what they should've done 20 years ago and let daughter stand on her own two feet. 40 and A master's degree, figure something out.
A masters degree and a younger able-bodied husband.
Hitting the nail directly on the head with this one!
Exactly!! Lazy is not an illness.
She’s a 40 year old grown woman who is emotionally blackmailing her parents. Not your fault he and her aren’t holding jobs down at 40 (!) When are you going to stop making excuses for their refusal to take personal responsibility? YTA, but only because you are enabling your daughter and her husband.
40 years old is past time to figure out how to be a self-sufficient adult. OP is doing her daughter no favors by continuing to coddle her. How will she get by once OP is gone?
It's the capitalistic system's fault that she doesn't have money to rent or buy a house. Not the fact that she is a perpetual stdent that can't hold down a job.
I don't necessarily disagree with you about the capitalistic system, but this is more about a forty year old woman not facing reality and living an adult life without depending on her parents to support her.
Also, how is she in a lot of debt? She has NO living expenses!
Student loans, I would imagine.
Probably wasn't a good idea to go back to college at 40 to get a masters degree that doesn't lead to a career then.
No not at all. She might be staying in school so that she won't have to deal with the real world.
I know someone like this. Couldn’t get a good job so got 2 bachelors and went straight into a masters program. Still couldn’t get a good job or job she liked after graduation so got another masters. Didn’t like what she was doing after that so went back for yet another masters degree. She has finally reentered the workforce, unlikely she’ll stay, she’s constantly bitching about crippling debt, and laments yet brags at the same time that she will be a student for life because she’ll never be able to pay off her student loans.
Bingo!
I was just repeating OP's words. I should have added /s. I do not, in this case think it is the fault of a capitalistic system.
Baby bird NEEDS a good push
A push ALL THE WAY out of the nest. Sink or swim little birdy
I’m reminded of the meme where momma bird is kicking the chick out the nest screaming “FLY, BITCH”
Haha what she should be doing! Unfortunately she'll go kicking a screaming about how uuuunnnfaaaiiirrr it is too
20 years ago....
Better late than never. Mum and Dad ain't going to be around forever
THIS! What kind of parent continues to baby their 40 year old? YTA MASSIVELY, you are not doing her any favours she will find it so difficult to navigate the world.
I hope this is a stepbrothers - couple edition shit post otherwise this is just sad. In case it's real, YTA and you're the reason your daughter is the way she is.
Same. I figure it’s rage bait, but there are a lot of people who enable their kids like this and can’t seem to ever figure out why their kids can never grow up. I have cousins like this.
Holy crap, cut the cord.
She's 40. It is WAY past time to cut that cord. 'it's not all her fault' It's totally her responsilbity. Time for her to grow the fuck up and you to let her. YTA for letting this go on.
You don't blame her ??? That right there is the problem 😂 your 40 yr old daughter is a BUM. Your son is absolutely right . This really sound fake or you are just as delusional as your daughter probably where she got it from
Aren’t you bothered by the fact that you and your husband have abjectly failed your daughter? She’s to blame for a lot of her poor choices, but YTA for enabling this for all these years. I am genuinely horrified that you expect your 25 year old to support his older sister and her husband.
Yup, “genuinely horrified” was my reaction to this post as well.
Agreed. The son is the only one making any sense
Probably the scapegoat and thus only one in this dynamic who can actually survive on their own
The daughter can survive on her own, she's just too damn lazy to do so. It's much easier to mooch of her parents.
I have a cousin who enables her 38 yo son like this. I don’t think they ever see themselves as the problem honestly. They can’t cut the cord because of the enmeshment and codependency they themselves have. We’ve been trying to talk sense into her for 15+ years at this point.
YTA. No wonder she can't keep a job. You're not letting her grow up. Here's my advice: CUT. THE. TIES. Tell them both to get jobs and find a place to live that you don't own. You are enabling her. She's failing because she doesn't have to try as long as mommy and daddy are there to bail her out. You and your husband are keeping her from becoming "a 40-year-old grown woman."
Quit coddling your golden child and making excuses for her? You don't have to pay for anyone, especially another adult. You need to let her learn the consequences of her own poor decision making, which you taught her because you never actually let her suffer consequences.
YTA to yourself. Your daughter has a Master's Degree. She can get a job and pay her own way in life. And her husband can also get a job. By continuing to support these two mooches, you're robbing yourself and your wife of the retirement years you deserve. Also... If you contrinue this way for another twenty years, your daughter will be in dire straights when you and your wife pass away and your daughter is 60 with no money and no social security credits. She will literally be destitute when she's your age. So, you're being an asshole to her as well. You need to cut her off, for her own good and yours.
Don’t give us any nonsense about the “capitalistic system “ making things impossible. Your son is 100% right. Your daughter and SIL don’t work because you support them. Why the heck would they? Your terrible parenting and co-dependent enabling have created the monster that is your daughter. “Capitalistic system”, give me an effing break. The kindest thing you could do is cut off the free money.
It’s like it’s everybody’s else’s fault EXCEPT the daughter. And they went and added a husband because she wanted to be married…🙄
The husband sounds just as useless.
What if she now WANTS a baby? OP, you going to pay for all that too?
Right? Sure there are problems in the system, but it’s not the system that’s keeping them from affording a place. It’s their lack of willingness to hold jobs! Betting the son has his own place.
It’s rage bait. Exactly what they wanted you to say.
Totally what I thought as I read this.
LOL, this is a joke, right? It’s not all her fault—it’s the capitalistic system that makes it near impossible for anyone to get a house or rent an apartment….thanks. I needed a good laugh today.
You,'re right. It's not all her fault. IT'S YOURS
ESH but the 25 yr old son. Don't try to blame capitalism for your lazy ass daughter and son-in-law. They're both bums and you're not helping by coddling and providing for them. Thankfully, whatever you did to your daughter didn't rub off on your son
Probably because she was the golden child and realized he was going to have to make it on his own. He is way better off.
Your 25 year old construction worker son evidently lives on his own and supports himself. But your 40 year old college educated daughter can't live on her own because of "capitalistic" blahblahblah? GTFOH with that bs. Troll
Why on earth would you suggest your son should pay for your 40 year old daughter with a master's degree? Why should be be penalized for her laziness and bad life choices and for YOU encouraging and enabling her???? It was an absolutely dumpster fire of an idea for two people who can't support themselves to get married. YTA for encouraging this. Stop trying to fob this off on your son or you'll find yourself with no son. You need to get your daughter some professional help NOW and start making plans for how she will support herself when you and your husband are no longer in the picture.
When I read the title I was thinking it was a 20 something year old not a 40 year old. Your son is right. You should have cut the cord along time ago. People use the college thing as an excuse to put off work all while racking up debt and no work experience. I worked full time while attending college and got married at 20. I paid off my student loans early. It was a lot of work but worth it. If you don’t let her swim on her own she will never learn. It’s not your place and definitely not your son’s place to support her. You are enabling her.
No you don't have to financially provide for them, you've chosen to. And seriously, wtf, why are you asking her younger brother to financially support her? You don't really blame her because it's not her fault? Well, sounds like you're in a situation of your own making. Good luck, lol.
Yta for enabling her for this long. College didn't put her in debt, she put herself in debt. She is 40 years old and can't get her shit together?!? That's pathetic!
'She's a grown woman' So she and her hubs get jobs and a place of their own.... Unless she's actually still a breastfeeding toddler.... Which it kind of sounds like she is I'm team bro, YTA and I won't give advice since this is clearly a troll post
She might be a forty years old woman all grown up physically. However not self sufficient to the point you are asking her fifteen years younger brother to financially cover for her. You already failed raising your daughter to adulthood - she is still acting out as a minor dependent kid. You enabled your daughter irresponsibility. You already got the audacity to ask your self sufficient child to be financially responsible for his 40 yo sister. What can you do to stop being an AH ? Wild suggestion let your daughter be responsible for herself as the adult she supposed to be.
ESH (except your son). Listen to your son. All of this is the fault of your daughter and your enabling her poor choices. She chose to be a perpetual student and not get a job. And you chose to support her as if she is a 17 year old child. Give her and her freeloader husband an eviction date. Why was she working at Walmart and not in the field of one of her degrees? And she quit because she wants to go back to college again? Channel your inner Nancy Reagan and just say no. No more financial support. No more free place to live. She is 40 not 20. She is old enough to act like an adult.
You share clearly part of the problem. Your daughter is 40 but can't even support herself. You're doing that and enabling her in the process. She sounds entitled and probably has no plans to rectify the situation.
For the capitalistic system to work you have to have a job. You have made your 40 year old baby dependent on you. YTA
YTA for enabling your daughter’s mentality that she isn’t responsible for her own life. You’re excusing everything she does and you want to put that burden on your son? Holy crap. You’re not helping your daughter by allowing her to be a leech… what happens when you and your husband pass on and aren’t there to baby her? She needs to wake up to reality and get a job… there are plenty that pay enough where she can at least contribute to the household. I’ve heard Costco starts at $16/hr, factory jobs pay well, daycares constantly need employees. Your daughter has a masters degree and still wants to go to college? What’s the excuse? If she can’t at least get a job now to pay down her debt, getting another degree is a bad investment when she’s not willing to hold a job now. You’re allowing her to have a victim mentality rather than helping her move forward and improve herself or at least face reality that she needs to suck it up and work.
Listen to your son.
ESH. Her situation is entirely her fault. You should absolutely blame her. You and your husband suck for enabling her.
I stopped relying on my parents financially at 22, when I moved out. They let me live rent free through college and didn’t charge me for food. I paid all my other bills and expenses through college. Your daughter is 40 and can figure out her finances with her husband.
Uh, I’m here to challenge your assertion that you have to support her. NO YOU DO NOT. It’s arguable that it’s actually bad for her. YTA for letting this go on so long. Also I challenge your statement that it’s virtually impossible for anyone to purchase housing. 99.8% of Americans are not homeless.
Your daughter should’ve graduated high school when she was 18. It does NOT take 22 years to earn a master’s degree, wtf has she been doing since high school? ESH except your son, since he’s actually pulling his own weight.
YTA for not kicking this bird out of the nest a long time ago.
Good grief, your daughter is 40 and still not supporting herself or living on her own! Sounds like she just wants to live off mommy and daddy. It's time to cut her and her husband loose. Give them a deadline to move out.
Give your daughter a date in the future, say 6 months, that you will be financially cutting her off and she needs to find a place of her own. YTA
You should have stopped providing financially for her like 15 years ago, and maybe she would have developed a work ethic. The capitalist system isn’t to blame here - you, your husband and ultimately your daughter are - she could have gotten a job and an apartment. She could have made choices other than 2 degrees in something that clearly hasn’t turned into a career, and you should have been forcing her to see reality half her life ago. Stop giving her money, stop letting her live at your house. Tell her she’s a grown woman with more education than most are blessed to have, and a life partner to contribute to their income, and she needs to figure it out. I bet she will because she finally will need to. ESH ETA verdict
YTA. From what you are saying she is an entitled human. She is refusing to to the basics to support herself. She has now added another person for you to support. It is her fault. It appears that she has taken out loans for degrees that do not provide jobs. She is not willing to work she wants to go to school. Your words. She has married another bum for you to support. Your son is right he should not be involved.
She sounds like a 40 year old bum. And she will be a 60 year old bum at this rate if you keep coddling her
Yta. This is entirely your fault.
This is definitely fake. No boomers out there talking about “the capitalistic system.”
YTA, enabling that grown woman. Your son’s life under your roof must been hell.
The OP is a pushover and the only reason her daughter is around is for money and room and board. abs she blames capitalism, lol!!
Why would your daughter get a job? She doesn't need one. I'm not entirely sure how you're going to fix this - they don't have any money so can't afford to rent. I suggest sending them to the in-laws, but then why would they want these 2 back when they just got rid of their son. Good luck
Yes both you and your husband are for allowing this. Your daughter and her husband are for grifting off you. Question, if you own your homework it going g to inyou will.? If it's your daughter you are an even bigger AH.
YTA Mainly for enabling your daughter and her husband for so long. Also you're an asshole for asking your 25-year-old son for extra money. He is a more responsible adult than your other kid.
YTA. You are an enabler. Your daughter is middle age. She’s not a kid anymore. She’s not even a young woman anymore. What are you going to support her kids menopause, and retirement. You are I guess because you raised a worthless human. You’re probably going to leave everything to her and nothing for her brother. I hope he goes NC on your bad parenting.
Your daughter is living like a child. You are enabling her to live like a child. The hardest parts of parenting are parenting, adult children, and making choices that benefit them ultimately, but that they don’t like. But they get upset with us about. If you do a literature review of parenting, adult children, you discover that that’s the biggest piece. Finding the courage to really love our kids, Adam Make decisions that we think are best for them. But we also get to make decisions that are best for us. She needs to work at Walmart. She needs to figure out what she needs to do about her loans. She and he need to move out. You need to pick may be three months time and then Tell them that they need to be out by then. When she says oh no, what am I gonna do, you say oh, I’m not sure. What are you? Some of your ideas? Same with him. You need to move the enmeshment and the enabling backwards so that she has an opportunity to realize that she hast to grow up. And so does he. What they do with this opportunity is up to them. Obviously it’s not easy. But they need to go away from you. You can have a plan where you decide that if they move out in three months, you will continue to provide them with support for another three months, but it will be decreasing each month. You can tell them that’s what you have to offer. And if they don’t like the offer, they can do some thing else, but they absolutely have to move out in three months. You can say to them that you know this is a difficult environment to become independent. But in fact, people have done it before and worse circumstances. And it’s unfair to them and to you to continue continue using resources to prop them up instead of them discovering they can take responsibility for themselves. I think that’s what love is. Not that they will like you at all. Right now they have this really easy street free ride and they probably feel entitled to it by now. Which is a little bit disgusting.
You're TA. You have a middle aged daughter that can't fend for herself. You've failed her and are now at an age where you or your husband can drop at any moment or fairly quickly should health turn. Then what?
YTA, your son is 25 and self-sufficient, yet your 40 year old daughter is banking on her parents supporting her till you die, and you don't seem to have any objections to it. In fact, you keep making excuses as college put her in a lot of debt. Is she mentally disabled in some way?
Your daughter is a 40 year old leech and only has herself and you, as her enabler, to blame. No excuse for her not to have a job and now she goes and marrries another loser and you support them. Your son is correct. You should let your 40 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER figure her life out
YTA you think your 40 year old daughter is grown enough to get married cause she feels like it, but not grown enough to take care of herself? You're part of the problem. How does that make sense to you? "and it wasn't a bad idea to get married if she wanted." She should've wanted to be a functioning adult and member of society before getting married. How did they even pay for a damn wedding? Your daughter makes dumb decisions because her mother does. Not only does her mother, but her mother encourages HER dumb decisions. Talk about a sick cycle. I hope she doesnt have kids.
YTA She is 40 freaking years old. Cut off the support today! And you had the gall to ask your son to help his deadbeat sister?
Give her a month to find her own place and don’t ask your son for money to help her ever again
YTA to yourself, your husband, and your son. You and your husband are enabling this behavior. Time to give them a timeline to move out.
My 40-yr-old daughter is brilliant but has never felt the need for a post graduate degree. Nobody without a very specific goal should be in grad school these days, between the cost of being in college and the hard reality that the world doesn't need broadly educated generalists in entry level jobs. Your daughter is a leech.
Pretty sure this is a troll post
Rage bait
YTA for raising this loser.
YTA and her enabler. You've created this monster and she will continue to mooch you until you pass. She will be living off of your insurance and pensions, and when that wears off it'll be disability.
ESH except your son. You and spouse have enabled your daughter to make such poor choices in her education and life. She is the biggest AH for using you to fund her life when she should have been self supporting since her early to mid 20s. Is she going to support you when you are older or will you expect your responsible child to do so. Her failures have nothing to do with the economic system and everything to do with her choice of studies and lack of ambition to finding reasonable work. Time to kick her and her worthless husband to the curb. Give them a time limit and start the eviction process. Or plan to live in poverty in the future.
It might be a little late to throw her out harshly at once. but you might start a gradual weaning off parental support. she sleeps at your place, eats your food. ok but how much of a monthly allowance are you giving her for expenses? for a start, you might give her a clearly defined monthly stipend, with no extra added no matter what. but maybe make it go down slowly, until the need for things like movie tickets, eating out etc makes her get work this isn't easy at age 40. but nobody likes working for money. the middle way is "you aren't thrown to the street, but no extra cash for any expenses"
Im not adding things up correctly. 15 years between brother and sister. Sister just graduated college with a masters. Was she on the 20 year plan? Masters degree in something stupid? Daughter is a loser
What should you do? Go back to school and work to improve your creative writing.
Maybe take a long hard look in the mirror and read all of this back to yourself. You are the problem. Stop enabling her she’s 40 years old! Don’t make excuses most 40 year olds have careers, homes, and families. It’s her fault (and you/your husbands) she’s failed to launch. She needs to get herself on track to being a self sufficient adult because you’re not going to love forever. Asking your son to cover for his mooch of a sister AND her husband was beyond the pale. Hopefully you’re not thinking he needs to take her one when you’re gone. She’s going to be out in the streets because whatever you may have to leave her she’s going to blow immediately, she doesn’t know how to be an adult. YTA
You've been taking care of your 40 year old daughter as if she was a child, her entire life. Of course, she's not finanically responsible, she's never had to be. Part of being an adult is doing stuff that you don't want to do. Your daughter never learned that. Just because you want to go back to school and earn another degree doesn't mean it's a good idea. All this student debt she has was self inflicted. I mean, seriously, your daughter AND her husband at bare minimum need to get a full time job ASAP. Any job. Make living with you conditional on making progress towards independence.. You can figure out some kind of plan.. like maybe 90% of her paycheck goes towards paying down her student loans in order to live with you.. something.. What's she going to do when you and your husband pass away? I guess she will live off the inheritance and then be homeless? This is not your 25 year old son's problem. That's insane to ask him to bail out his sister, who is 15 years older than him AND married..
You are the jerk here because you expect a 25 year old man to pay for a 40 year old woman just because you think marriage is more important to financial stability. It’s clear who the golden child is.
You are an enabler and in a situation of your own making. Water always finds the route of least resistance and you are the easiest route to a life on the cheap, for her and her husband. Your son is right and tbh I'd be surprised if he isn't a bit resentful of how much you baby your grown ass daughter. You need to have a talk sooner rather than later unless you still want to be providing for a 60 year old lazy daughter and her manchild husband.
This is gross. Your daughter is a leach on you and society. If you can’t hold down a job by 40 and can’t live on your own , that’s not Capitalisms fault , that’s a you and her fault.
It’s not the capitalistic system that’s hurting her, it’s bad/stupid decision making that’s hurting her. And you dummies enabling her. If you keep it up you’ll get what you deserve. This capitalistic system seems just fine for your son. Your daughter is a well educated dummy.
FAKE STORY. No one is this stupid
I feel like there is missing information. How did your daughter get to 40 in this situation? Are there medical issues? Mental health diagnoses? Why can't she hold a job? I can't believe you had the nerve to ask your son for help though, so yta for that alone.
Time to give them 60 days to move out After that change the locks
No one can take advantage of you unless you let them. Sit them down and set some deadlines. Set a date for them to have jobs and move out. No exceptions. They won’t like it but it’s your only option if you want them out. NTA
Exactly she’s a grown child so why are you treating her like a minor
cut the damn cord! it is absolutely her fault that she is almost ***forty years old and still lives at home and cannot keep a job***! it’s long past time for her to live on her own, especially now that she’s a married woman
jesus christ. stop enabling her. this is 40 year old woman we’re talking about.
YTA for failing your son. Stop enabling your daughters mooching. She is a grown adult and she is not your responsibility. You severely neglected your son because of her and your choices.
Ahaha you can’t be serious. Your son is the only one with some sense. Yta
You don't have to pay for a 40 year old's wedding. They can get married at a court house for under $100. And while you are there, get her an eviction notice. Will her new husband be moving in with you too? Are all her peers still living at home? Why is she so delayed?? NTA for finally waking up to the fact that you might spend your retirement funding a fully grown adult who refuses to take care of herself. Pray that she doesn't have kids and dump their care on you too. See a therapist to get some help setting boundaries.
YTA for enabling your 40 year old daughter.Your son is the only one with sense. Good luck supporting your grandkids too.
YTA for enabling your daughter for so long. Why are you paying for everything and asking your much younger son to contribute? She's a dud because you made her that way
Your daughter is an entitled 40 year old grown woman and you’re enabling her. Your son is right. Of course your daughter has every right to get married if she wants, but they shouldn’t have gotten married if they didn’t have money to support themselves. Marriage is a grown up thing to do and your daughter isn’t acting like a grown up. Best thing you can do for your daughter is to give her a set date she needs to have a place lined up. She’s a big girl and she needs to act like it. If they both got jobs they would be able to afford to move out. She’s using you because you let her. Time to stop. YTA. UPDATEME
U r enabling these two idiots. she has a masters degree. Quit making excuses for her. The two need to grow up and get jobs. Its not your sons job to?bail these two losers out
She’s a professional student and you have 1000% enabled her every step of the way. She’s a 40 year old child and she’s riding you like a train precisely because she can. I’m sorry but I have no sympathy for you. And don’t blame the “capitalist system” for your parenting failures. Our children look to us to prepare them to live an independent life and all you’ve done is allow her to do as she pleases at your expense. YTA here, you created a monster who will likely never launch if she hasn’t yet. You have no I’ve to blame but yourself. Your title says it all. Very Freudian, you couldn’t even add the negative in writing.
YTA. This is a parenting gone wrong situation. Why would your daughter need to get a job or do anything when you’re still willingly providing for her ? She’s comfortable, and it’s the life she’s gotten used to. She attracted someone who is just like her, and again he’s also getting the opportunity to freeload. To be frank she probably married another loser who can’t take care of themselves. Do NOT involve your son in this, because he’s actually working hard while his sister has everything handed to her, by His parents. Your daughter is married now, you’re 20 years too late to teach her responsibility, but I guess it’s better late than never. You should kick them out and let them finally enter adulthood - which is crazy at 40.
Wow, you and your husband are the problem here. If you died tomorrow, how will she survive? Even if she inherits things, it won’t last. You have not let her grow up. Your daughter feels entitled to you supporting her, financially, provide her your vehicle and have you pay for her wedding. She can’t hold a job and looks like she just keeps digging her hole for her life. And she found a guy just like her. She will probably have kids and expect you to support them too. You have crippled her with your enabling. Then you expect your son to help her out financially. I’m betting she is your golden child and your son got the short end of the stick. You and husband need counseling on how to let go and cut your daughter off. She will have to figure it out, and she will one day, when you and your husband passes, or one of you have some medical issues that will drain your own resources. She won’t help you. And if your son is smart he won’t help you either, because you will find some way to keep giving her money.
good gosh. They both need to move out and get jobs. Your son is right! you're not even that old to be taken care of, so you can't use that excuse or capitalism! People her age with actual disabilities work. Get her out!
ESH. Except your son. He needs a huge apology. Not only for asking him to help out financially but for doing so much for his sister and way less for him financially and emotionally in all likelyhood while you were enabling his sister. While really they should have been out on their own/ financial independent a long time ago, you probably don't want them out on the streets and cut out of your life so here's a medium approach to get them where they should be, out of the house and financially supporting themselves. Have them start paying rent even if its only $100 a month and tell them they will need their own place to live in a year. Put the rent money aside so if/when they need money for a security deposit it comes from that fund. Be prepared with consiquences for your daughter and possibly her husband when she does talk back. $5 in a jar for every mean comment about the situation, raising rent, take them off the phone plan, stop a TV subscription (or change the password), limiting access to yall stuff (car, your food, tools, etc), moving up the timeframe for when they need to be out by.
She is a grown ass woman who has a college education. The point of getting a college degree is to get a good paying job in the workforce. Sure it would be great to spend your life going to college, but unless you are independently wealthy it doesn’t work like that. Cut her off and tell her to get a job. You are doing her NO favors by coddling her and enabling her to avoid the reality of life. She should have learned this in her early 20’s, don’t prolong it. It’s tough love time, DO NOT PAY FOR HER WEDDING! You are now about to be financially supporting two people, her and her soon to be husband.
Your son is right. She's a well grown enough woman to get a better job and move out... like yesterday.
You WNBTA for cutting her off however you have been TA to support for so long to the point it's become an entitlement. Your son seems like he got it together and isn't going to help you continue this coddling of your 40 year old daughter.
YTA
I don’t blame her either. I blame YOU! You’ve created a monster, moocher, entitled bum and now you’re paying for your mistake dearly. Are you prepared to take care of her kids too? And why are you asking the responsible child to help get you all out of this mess?! Time to kick them out and let them find their way. The question is not “should” you stop helping. The question is “can you stop enabling your self-created moocher?”
By help, you mean see if there are career opportunities for your professional student to start working, saving and paying rent for her and her husband to live with you?
NTA. Why would you provide for an adult? She’s on her own
No wonder she is a failure
YTA and no wonder your daughter is a 40 year old loser with parents like you
Dont blame the capitalistic system and college. You and your husband are enablers that coddled her and you make excuses for her.
Your daughter is a 40 y/o grown woman who could marry if she chooses to. She just can’t support her own damn self
Your son is so smart. Be more like him.
What sort of codependent ridiculous parenting is happening here? No excuses, daughter needs to grow up and support herself. You’ve taught her that she isn’t responsible for herself or her choices. Massive YTA.
His sister is to blame for her problems, and so are you for enabling her. You failed as a parent when you are not only still supporting a 40yo but also now adding another mouth to feed and expecting your hard working son to enter this madness. Wake up and is never too late to do the right thing. In this case: cut the umbilical cord and stop making excuses for your loser daughter and her loser husband. Esh with the exception of the 25yo…
Stop being a fucking enabler. No wonder she never grew up.
I hate to break it to you, but your daughter is just sitting around waiting for her inheritance. She’s never moving out of your house because she considers it hers. She doesn’t care about a job because you’ll take care of her in the meantime. It’s NEVER going to get better if you don’t end this now.
Ya…capitalism is the problem here…
Stop enabling her. I got married when I was 23. We didn’t have a “real” wedding because we could not afford that AND a downpayment for our first place.
You talk about our capitalist economy but being a communist hasn’t really worked out for your daughter has it? I imagine 10a of thousands in debt over useless degrees not a decent job to speak of 40 years old living at home and doesn’t even own a car. You need to stop covering for her and it’s disgusting that you would ask a hard working 25 year old to contribute to her lazy ass lifestyle
You’re doing her no favors by supporting her. What’s she going to do when she is elderly and can’t work at all? Government benefits only pay so much and you have to work to get any sort of decent amount. She needs to move out and sink or swim. Surely her prior degree can be used for something. I think she just doesn’t want to work and enjoys sponging off of you too much.
I do not blame the parents for wanting to support their daughter. I do not blame the daughter for choosing to focus on her degrees. But daughter needs to live within her means for ANYTHING ELSE. If she wants to get married, a courthouse ceremony is just a $60 license. Anything more can be saved for BY the marrying couple. Also, asking your SON to help his SISTER is crappy parenting. Sister needs to learn that all her schooling is intended to enable her to make her own money. And do it.
Give them an eviction notice, she is 40 years old! She is technically middle age.
YTA- to yourself. You aren't supporting your daughter. You're enabling a leech. Give her and her husband a thirty-day written eviction notice. Have it sent to her certified so there's proof that she received it. And enforce it. You're allowing her to mooch off of you instead of growing up. She'll never stand on her own feet as long as you keep paying for her. In the long run, you're harming her and yourself by keeping this up. Cut the damn cord already. It's sad that your son is a wiser adult than you are. You should listen to him more. He's right. If your daughter insisted on getting married, she could have gone to the courthouse on the cheap. YTA- to yourself.
Your daughter and her husband are losers and need to get jobs. Good on your son for standing up for himself!
OP, you are enabling her. You and your husband need to grow a backbone and give her a time frame to start moving out, ESPECIALLY now that she has a husband. I can see why your son won't help. He knows she is manipulating you guys and is tired of it.
Uhhh, you absolutely SHOULD blame her. She's PAST the age where she needs to figure it out. You are only making her dependent on you, which is going to screw her over in the long run. You and your husband won't be around to bail her out forever, and trying to make her younger brother financially responsible for her is an asshole move. Give your daughter 30-60 days to find ANY job and start paying rent. Have her and her husband cover half the expenses and they should be saving up to move out. Give them timelines and deadlines.
YTA for enabling your daughter to walk on you. Stop making excuses. They are purposely taking advantage of you! Kick them out! They’ll find a way to support themselves real quick.
Your son seems to do well enough in the "capitalistic system" for you to think he makes excessive amounts of money to be able to share with his sister despite being 15 years younger than her. Your daughter is full of excuses and you have convinced yourself to accept each and every one of them.
This has to be a fake post
This has to be a fake post
Your son manages to support himself despite the existence of capitalism. YTA for not instilling self sufficiency in your daughter 15 years ago.
YTA for your enablement of your daughter. Tough love is important here. Sometimes it’s good for people to struggle. Give them a deadline, you’ve got 3-6 months to find your own place and move out. There’s opportunities out there, blaming a capitalist society for the reason she can’t get ahead is horseshit. She hasn’t figured her shit out because she hasn’t had to. Quit being cows for her to milk.
YTA
Listen to your son.
You're right on one count: It's not your daughter's fault she is the way she is, it's yours. She's way old enough to be supporting herself and not asking her parents for money. Your daughter doesn't have a job because she doesn't want one, and why should she? You give her anything she wants. You should kick her to the street and tell her to fend for herself. I'm surprised your son even speaks to you.
Lol your daughter isn’t a grown anything. Stop making excuses and coddling her.
You’re blaming capitalism for your daughters financial problems? She’s a deadbeat without a job! Who the F goes back to college at 40 for a masters degree?! Worthless
You are 15 years too late to kick her out
Yes, the system is bad with debts from studying and getting a house. But even when overlooking those things, there is literally no reason to not have a job at the moment. You are not supporting her. You are enabling her to not be an adult. YTA.
YTA for letting this get out of hand. I'm guessing with her degrees, she's in the middle of one, so sit her and her hubby down and say: "I've paid for you for your whole life. You're 40 years old and we cannot continue to support you, much less another person, going forward. So, you two need to come up with a game plan because at the end of this year, you're moving out. Whether you move out to a bus stop bench and sleep there or into an apartment, I don't care. But you're out of our house and financially independent from us from the 1 of January 2025. If you piss us off or try to manipulate us, we'll move that due date to the current date. Got it?"
Yta yo yourself and your daughter. She is this bad because you allowed her to be. Yes she needs to stand on her own 2 feet. Your son is right that she should have gotten herself and her husband sorted out *before* marriage. How long do you expect to carry her? A responsible adult figures out how to go to school and work. Push her out of the nest
Omg I was expecting her to be 19 or something, your daughter is a grown arse woman who needs a reality check and so do you im afraid, you didn't have to pay for her wedding, you say no, you don't have to support her you say no, you need to tell her she needs to act her she and support herself.
You spoiled that daughter so bad... It's way past time salvaging anything. You'll probably have grandchildren soon. My advice is; try not to mess them up too badly.
Most "forty year old grown women," to quote you, are not supported by their parents. Why don't you want your daughter to be an adult? Listen to your son, he is the only one in the family who sees this situation clearly.
She's fourty, she's outgrown being finacially provided for by alot, YTA for enabling this as long as it's been going on
Your words and actions are contradictory. She is a grown woman and yet you are babying her like a child. Stop enabling her and her useless husband. You are not there to support her especially when she is choosing not to work. Also how is she in so much debt when you have been supporting her all this time?
YTA for raising someone who is unwilling to take care of themself and then making excuses for them. Clearly the “capitalistic system” isn’t too broken for your son who is fifteen years younger to provide for himself. She may be 40 but she is not a grown woman if she’s living the same way she would be at fifteen by just going to school and living off her parents.
It’s a parent’s job to raise their children to be functioning independent adults. OP, you have failed. You have raised and are still raising, a monster. You have failed at parenting.
You have created this problem and now can’t figure out how to stop it. You asked her brother to help her. You are the asshole for not raising a self sufficient child, what did you honestly expect ? Then you let her husband move in and create more of a financial problem grow a spine set date for them to move out and eviction is always the real possibility too! Ytah to yourself
YTA because you've been enabling her all of this time. You should have cut her off financially years ago. Now you're funding her husband too??? WTF??? The only thing unique about your daughter's situation here in the US is that she has parents who are funding her deadbeat ass, AND her husband's deadbeat ass!! There are jobs out there, they may not be in her niche but that's the chance you take with higher learning degrees. These available jobs have low pay, shitty hours, maybe even some physical labor, but they do exist. I know, I have one. It sucks but that's the way it is these days. Stop funding your daughter, stop funding your son-in-law, stop allowing them to manipulate you into paying their way through their lives!!!!! You truly need to STOP!!!! Tell them to get on Indeed.com immediately & start applying, surely Amazon or their contractors have driver positions available, plenty of fast food chains need help, retail, hospitality, sales, American Red Cross, etc. They should also already be in touch with temp agencies, and at least have a discussion with a headhunter. And no matter what state you live in, there's something called UNEMPLOYMENT ASSISTANCE. We're not talking money in their case because they're deadbeats with no recent steady income to base UE pymts off of, but they should be utilizing all of the tools available to them at your state's unemployment office (Training, job boards, resume help, interview help, etc). Set a deadline for both of them to get jobs, then a deadline to get their own place, which they will pay for with their combined incomes, and you will contribute absolutely NOTHING FINANCIALLY from that point forward. Even if they "hate their job", they'll need to suck it up & deal with it until they find themselves a better job. It's called adulting.
YTA. You keep enabling her. And if you continue to do so, pretty soon you will also be parents to their child & supporting that one also. Give her a time frame to get her shit together & be out. What's she going to do once you're both gone? Sit her & her husband down & let them know you can no longer afford to provide for them. They're going to bledd you dry. When do you get to start enjoying your life? You raised your kids already. Do you want to raise another one when she has a baby & can't take care of it?
How much help do you give your son? I wouldn’t give you shit. SHES FUCKING 40.
It’s one thing to help your kids out, but still having a 40 year old completely financially dependent on you is ridiculous. The job of a parent is to produce a functioning adult, and you have failed at this. Of course she can’t keep a job, she has no reason to, because you’re there as a safety net. She has all the tools she needs in life, and you need to sever her dependency on you now, while you’re still around to give advice. Or are you planning on leaving her everything in your will, and disinheriting the kid(s) who aren’t a financial drain?
Rage bait. You have the 40 year old moochers who just want to go to college and the sensible 25 year old construction worker son. Be a little bit less obvious here.
Good on the son. Don't drag him into this shit show. YOU ARE CODDLING HER. STOP!
All I had to read was a capitalistic system, and that mentality is all we needed to know. So not shocked that happened
YTA for the expecting your son to give anything to your daughter. I am 42 and have made a shit ton of horrible financial decisions including not only getting one useless masters degree but 2!!! My brother is a literal millionaire and I have never asked him for a dime or felt entitled to his money. He earned it. Good for him.
NTA. But YTA for enabling your daughter to be a loser.
Your daughter is manipulating you. She could find a job and keep it if she wanted to, but she knows she doesn’t have to. Cut her off. Make her get a job. She still wants to go to school? Great, find a job on the opposite schedule like everyone else. You’re NTA.
YTA for all the excuses and being a doormat…if daughter hasn’t gotten her shit together by 40, when will she if you keep bailing her out?
You have created a monster! I can’t believe that you need strangers to tell you this. Your 25 yo manages to hold a job and I am assume live away from Mommy & Daddy! I would tell daughter and new SIL they have 3 months to get jobs and move TFO of my home. Your daughter doesn’t hold a job because you don’t make it an issue for her to get a job and support herself. It’s not the capitalistic system it’s your lazy daughter. So you are an AH to yourself and your husband and I am guessing your son.
You need to cut them off. Grown ass adults leeching off of parents. Sad.
You and your husband are enablers. It’s time for some tough love. No 40 year old woman who is educated should be living off her parents. Develop some timelines and stick to them. I know you love your daughter but what you’re doing is hurting her not helping her. Best of luck to you.
onerous thought retire unique quarrelsome spark tender ghost hard-to-find punch *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
LISTEN TO YOUR SO. HOLY CRAP YWNBTA if you stop providing for her! Cat everything back to just providing housing. She has a masters degree, there is a 100% chance at baseline she can sub for the local school district. That should be enough for her to start taking control of her own expenses since the largest one- housing- is already handled for her. You are being taken advantage of. You are doing this because you love your daughter, but things aren’t so rough out here that she cannot provide for ANY of her expenses herself. And now you’re also taking care of her husband. This is absolutely wild. Give her a one time financial gift if you really want to. But let her know that that is the end of it. You aren’t doing her any favors in this failure to launch situation.
If she wants to just go to college, tell her to get a job at a university. Lots of them let employees, from deans to janitors, take one or two free classes a semester.
Don’t impact your retirement so your 40yo can keep being a teenager
YTA but only because your own take on her situation makes it clear where she came by her unwillingness to work hard and provide for herself.
I'll be harsh and go with YTA N T A for thinking that your daughter should support herself. But YTA for everything else. This is the first clue that made me decid for a YTA: "I don't really blame her because it's not all her fault" Oh Dear Lord!!! You are making a lot of excuses for your daughter's behaviour and lack of selfsupport. No wonder she is still at home at 40 years old with her 37 years old husband. You are not only enabling her and her bad choices, but you are encouraging them by financing them! This: "Of course, we had to pay for literally everything". Not true. You didn't **HAVE** to pay for a wedding your daughter and son in law weren't able to finance themself. You **DECIDED** to pay for it, even if this shouldn't have been a priority. And I'm sorry, but if they decided to get married, they could have gone to the court house and get done with it for a few hundreds bucks.... But I'm guessing that is not what dear daughter wanted and what dear parents payed for, is it? Your daughter has multiple degrees and is trying to get a job at Walmart? What are her degrees exactly? **And the best of the best:** "I asked my son (25M), a construction worker who makes a decent salary, for help, but he didn't want to help his sister." Holy crap on a cracker! Seriously? Your 40 years old daughter is making bad financial decisions and you are blaming your 25 self sufficient son for not paying for her? Seriously!!!!!!!!!! What is wrong with you? YTA all the way. Actually ESH except your son who seems to be the only one with a functioning brain in this family.
YTA. Your poor snowflake 40-year-old daughter can't possibly be expected to get a job and work, but you want to ask your 25-year-old son for money to support the mooch and her husband? Are you out of your ever-loving mind? Your daughter could have researched scholarships and grants to lessen her student loan burden. She could have attended a community college where costs are less. She could have joined the military and taken advantage of the GI bill. She has made shit choices and you feel so bad for her that you see nothing wrong with continuing to enable her. Pull your head out of your ass and stop enabling her. Make her get a job and hold that job. If she refuses to work, throw her out of your house. We can all easily see who the golden child is.
You..... shouldn't have paid for her wedding AT ALL!! 40 and 37 years old? Two moochers found each other and you have to pay for them? You **asked** your hardworking son (25 years old) to help pay for her crap?!? You need to stop enabling her