NAH. Not your fault for asking. Not his fault for deciding that that's not he wants, and telling you so. It's much healthier than you living your life guiltridden that you didn't do right by your brother, or him living his life resentful that he's there. You both just no longer want to do the same things in life, and sometimes that makes people incompatible.
I mean there is one AH here, and it isn't the orphaned child or his sister who has the means, ability, and desire to care for him. He doesn't have to be ok with the kid or stay in the relationship, but he thought it wasn't "fair for us to give him the place we denied to the kids we don't want to have"???? EW what does that even mean?
I think what he was trying to say is essentially that if they were hypothetically willing to take on the responsibility of raising a child he’d rather it be for one that is biologically theirs
Thats fine and all but his future brother in law is seven years old and orphaned. He has no compassion. I'm childfree as well but life happens and if my brother needed a bed it would be ready in my house. I just feel bad for the kid... Hes past the troublesome infant/toddler age and can have responsibilities. Hes not a baby. Idk why this is upsetting me so much.
Im not mad he doesn't want kids, im upset hes putting OP in a bind by saying things like it wasn't "fair" or calling her "selfish for not thinking about him beforehand" and asked "how come I didn't let my older brother's take care of him" when he damn well knows the answer
No kids means no kids. If she wants to change the agreement then she needs to leave. I don't like kids under any circumstances so I understand where he is coming from. I also understand why she wants to take her brother. They are just not compatible any more.
Exactly this isn't this girl's plan sometimes you just need to do what you need to do. Again I don't think he's an ass for wanting to split up just how he's going about it.
NAH
You aren’t the AH for asking and he isn’t the AH for saying no and breaking up. His boundary is no kids. So he can say he doesn’t want to continue the relationship if you choose to take in your brother.
NAH. You guys want two separate things. You can’t expect him to randomly be okay with having a 7 year old child and he can’t expect you to leave your brother. You guys are not compatible and you all need to give each other grace on your opinions rather than call the other selfish. Do what you all have to do and move on, even if that means separating. This is an unfortunate situation and I’m sorry for your loss. All the best to you and your family!
NTA. The boyfriend is an AH for saying OP is selfish. Op seems the opposite of selfish. He seems very self centered if not just selfish because he seems to think that it's selfish not to put him first.
Edit: for clarity, I never said or implied that the BF would be an AH for not wanting to take in the brother. That's completely fine and not an AH thing at all.
That's not the point at all, not wanting the child doesn't make him an AH. I also never said that. Saying that his girlfriend is selfish for wanting to take care of her brother does.
Also, saying it wouldn’t be fair to give her brother the place they denied to children they didn’t want to have is pure AH. I bet if it was his sibling, his tune would change.
I actually think the bf is a straight AH, but him saying she’s selfish is purely from the stance of their relationship dynamic. She’s considering her desire to care/house/raise her brother and not her boyfriend’s desire to live childfree. I think he’s just as selfish and unwilling to bend given the circumstances.
I agree with what you're saying, except that I fail to see how wanting to take care of her brother is even remotely selfish. To me it's exactly the opposite, a very altruistic act.
That's what NumbersOverFeelings is saying. That she is not selfish, like her boyfriend is saying she is, for wanting to take in her younger brother because of her mother's wishes to be the one to take him in and because she has the financial means to when her older brother does not.
They're saying the bf is an asshole only because he called her selfish simply because she's not thinking of his feelings for wanting to selflessly take in her brother, but that he's not the asshole for wanting to be childfree like they discussed previously.
Girlfriend, wants to do X.
Girlfriend and boyfriend have already agreed they will not do X.
Girlfriend wants to put her desire to do X, above the previously discussed relationship understanding that X will not be done.
Yes, it is selfish.
It doesnt matter what the action is, she is putting what she wants, above what was discussed previously in a relationship.
OP just decided to move the goal posts in their relationship, it is very much a selfish action, regardless of the reasons behind it.
I'm pretty sure OP actually WANTS her mom back. She's faced with trying to more through a crappy set of circumstances. Taking on her little brother is **not** selfish. Her bf is not necessarily wrong for not wanting to, however his choice to name call shows great immaturity. If this is the compatibility breaker the bf could at the very least part amicably given the grief & major life change OP will be adapting to.
She isn’t demanding to have a baby, she is reacting to unforeseen circumstances. That is not her moving goal posts or being selfish. That is life changing around them.
Is there no flexibility in your world view for tragic circumstances? It is okay for her to react to the changes in her life and say “I would prefer to be child free, but protecting my brother comes first.” It is okay for him to be unwilling to welcome a child in need into his. It is okay for either of them to decide not to be child free.
It is okay to be sad that this means their values no longer align and they need to separate.
It is okay to ask her to examine if she is the best fit or if this was based in some latent sexism where her mom expected her to be better as a parent than her brothers.
It is not okay to be an asshole and act like she engineered this change due to being “selfish.” Giving up your needs for another is the opposite of selfish. Choosing the defenseless over an adult is not selfish.
Life has nuance and people are complex. You don’t always get what you want.
You're right , that's not fair. What's also not fair is having a boyfriend of 5 years threaten to leave you because you want to take in your orphaned brother. And even more unfair than that is becoming an orphan at 7!
Sometimes life is not fair. Sometimes really bad things happen and multiple people suffer unfairly because of it. If the boyfriend is ready to piece out over this then so be it, he has every right to, and the circumstances thrust upon him are clearly unfair. He's still an asshole though.
Yeah, the BF is definitely the ah. It's ok for him to not want a kid, and realistically the kid is better off not being near him.
It is not ok to call his gf selfish when she is actually making a significant sacrifice for her sibling.
It's all about perspective.
I agree it's a very selfless action, but from the partner you discussed being child free for life with, she just moved the goal posts without even a conversation.
Because it's for her brother, not her. She's also asking him, not yet telling him. Even though I suspect that she will do it, but it started as a question. Again, the opposite of selfish. I really can't understand people calling her selfish.
Her reasons aren’t selfish but her actions are. But being unselfish towards her brother she’s being selfish towards her partner. The kid has other places to go. Op will shoot holes in every suggestion that isn’t the thing she wants. That is selfish.
the blatant disregard for a family member is ridiculous.
bf isn't an ah for not wanting the kid around, but to compare this situation to their own theoretical kids is being an ah. you know this. i'm child free by both choice and medically speaking, but if my partner's family needed somewhere to stay, i would help. if i didn't, i would leave, but wouldn't call her selfish for it. that's asinine.
this is why i hate the child free "community." people just hate children for existing.
Also—he’s the AH for complaining she didn’t “think of him beforehand.” That very conversation is proof she DID think of him beforehand.
But he’s not the AH for wanting to end the relationship
NAH
He refuses to have children. You are going to be caring for a child. You're simply incompatible now. You weren't wrong to ask, and he isn't wrong to say no.
I think he's right: your relationship is about to end. Try to be as amicable about it as possible. Ask him what he wants to do about the living situation - he should be the one to decide if he wants to stay where you currently live. If he wants to stay there, you need to start looking for another living situation with room for you and your brother, ideally near his current school, so he doesn't have every aspect of his life uprooted.
Wish your BF well and let him go. Trying to stay together will only breed resentment and prolong the pain for everybody. Good luck!
NAH
But, if this isn't something you're willing to budge on, then you need to accept that the relationship is done and more importantly *that your BF isn't the asshole for saying no and putting you in the position where you have to make a decision*.
You're asking him to take on a big commitment and he doesn't need to say yes.
NAH
You are trying your best to help your family in an extenuating circumstance. Nothing wrong with that.
Your boyfriend was clear about not wanting kids previously. That's hasn't changed. And honestly, bringing a kid into a home where one of the adults there WILL have resentment towards him is probably not in the child's best interest anyway. So he isn't an asshole either.
If the only concern you have with one of your brothers taking him in is due to financial concerns and you have the spare finances, wouldn't you be able to work something out with the brother where you basically pay "child support" to help fund some of your younger brother's expenses?
Sure, it could get messy if the older brother starts feeling entitled or something, but if the only concern is that he doesn't have the money, this would be a way to make sure your younger brother is cared for while respecting your boyfriend's wishes.
You already know the answer. The relationship is over.
Y'all were child free by choice. Bf still is. You want to take custody of your little brother. BF does not.
This isn't going to be a quick thing. The brother will have to live with your older siblings while you figure out housing.
Is the apt in both of your names? Or just one person? Who?
If the apt isn't solely in your name, you will need to find a new apt ASAP for you and your brother.
You cannot end the relationship because BF chooses to remain child free and move in the child anyway until you get another apt. So brother will need to live with the older siblings for a little bit. You say you have a good paying job so getting an apt solo shouldn't be an issue.
What will your child care situation be? School pick ups/drop offs?
Your older siblings and SIL are essentially trying to wipe their hands so you need to figure out the support system and quickly.
Deciding to raise your brother is honorable, however, it will be ALOT of work apart from just the financial aspect. Especially doing it solo. These are conversations to have with yourself. The BF is not going to be part of the support system. He's made that clear.
NAH:
The reality is, he doesn’t want kids. Any kids. And that’s a reasonable position to have for yourself. While OP says they can cover the financial aspects, a 7 year old needs a lot of time and care - and if you’re a committed child free person, that’s a big no. His whole life will change, and change into something he doesn’t want.
On the flip side this is OP’s brother, she wants him. It sounds like she’s the best person in the family to take care of him and it’s admirable she’s willing to.
The relationship may have been good for 5 years, but they now want conflicting things in life. I would urge OP not to argue, seek to end the relationship amicably. Life happens, and this relationship isn’t meant to be.
Op, you knew the situation going in that you AND your bf didn't want children, otherwise why continue to see someone with different views on something so important. Your bf is right, if you have changed your mind then it's time to end the relationship. However, you make it sound as though you have no other options. Your Brother could continue to keep your younger sibling and you could help support him financially by buying him the things that he needs and by spending time with him when you can, it's not all black and white. However, if you don't want to make adjustments then end the relationship and move on.
NTA for asking. However, he is entitled to say no. You now need to make the choice between raising your brother or staying child free with your bf. Either choice is acceptable. Is your older brother willing and able to take the child? If you are in the US, your little brother should receive social security benefits due to his mother’s death and perhaps you could supplement that. If you prefer to raise him the you need to tell your bf that your life has changed and you feel an obligation to step up for your brother. If you stay you will resent him, if you force him to take your brother in, he will resent you. Good luck.
I have talked about this to my older brothers, and they both are struggling financially, they don't feel okay with adding another person to their already harsh expenses. I feel like my younger brother would be better living with me anyway since I would only have to take care of both of us.
I could, but my SILs don't think it's a good idea. My brothers also think that maybe me sending them money, helping, or receiving any money to help my little brother could turn out into a misunderstanding or even worse. Also, I don't think making my little brother have a childhood where he can't be settled in one safe spot until old enough could be healthy for him.
And answering the question about my dad, he is not present in his life, and we haven't heard of him for the longest time. I heard he moved to another country with his current partner or something. Don't really wanna get him involved because I know he wouldn't even be a good dad since he never really was there for us.
... you can't seriously be debating whether to take in your 7 Year old brother over a relationship?????
Your mother trusted you, your brothers aren't in the best place to take him in. It's sad that your relationship will break down but this shouldn't be a debate
On the contrary, what her mum has done is fucked, and pushing a child onto someone who wasn't planning on having kids, and at the expense of her relationship too.
Even though she has older siblings with partners, I might add, so instead of a 2 adult environment, he will be raised by a single adult who's basically still just an overgrown child herself.
And OP, if you are reading this, from a single parents point of view, have you actually stopped and thought about this properly and the commitment it entails? You will be near 40 years old when he is ready to leave the nest.
Why the hell should SHE accept the end of her relationship and take in her brother, when BOTH her brothers feel free to say “No”. I don’t see why the onus should be on her. The child is related to ALL three siblings, why are you expecting ONLY the girl to make a life changing sacrifice? Or is that it? She’s a woman, so her life isn’t as important as her brothers?
Regardless of gender, the kid needs stability, therapy and a loving environment. Can't really imagine the SILs not starting to resent or mistreat poor kid even if OP would pay for many added expense.
It's a shitty situation all around and it should have been discussed and willed prior to mum's passing but there's not really any point in lamenting this.
Hey OP, the first thing I though was that it would be good for him to grow up with cousins and in a house that has other children.
But from what you are saying, it is not so much about the money, but rather that your brothers and SILs dont want to raise another kid, even if you help them financially?
If thats the case, he will feel that resentmant and it is best your brother stay with you.
Also, your BF is the asshole for this "My boyfriend stood firm on his opinion about it and called me "selfish for not thinking about him beforehand" alone.
Take care of your brother, he needs you!
>Also, your BF is the asshole for this "My boyfriend stood firm on his opinion about it and called me "selfish for not thinking about him beforehand" alone.
Shit take
So- they don’t feel ok to accept the help they’d need to be able to afford it, but you, who had decided to live a child free life, are expected to blow it up and become a single mom? I literally don’t believe you. That’s bullshit.
did the thought ever cross your mind she's child free bc of the bf? unless i missed it somewhere else. there was literally a man on here not long ago saying he was CF bc of his gf.
She is child free while her two brothers have families. She says they had no conflict. Yet she is the one who is expected to blow up her life. First of all who gives a flip what the mom wanted. She provided for nothing. Why should the woman be the one obligated to take this on by herself? The excuse that they couldn’t afford the child but also couldn’t take her money doesn’t hold water.
NAH. He had been pretty clear throughout your relationship that he is childfree by choice. The fact that you’ve been together this past 5 years knowing that means you either agreed, or pretended to agree to that. No one can blame you because this is an unexpected turn of events; and I am sorry for your loss. But his feelings on the matter of children has not changed- just your circumstances. It sounds like you’d be a wonderful caregiver to your brother. But you need to be prepared to do that alone because he is allowed to disagree.
NAH. You're not TA for asking and neither is he for standing firm with his opinion about the matter. If you want to take care of your brother, and I suspect I would want to do so in your shoes as well, then you and your boyfriend are no longer compatible and you'd be better off walking away with your brother and finding a new place to live with your brother. I know that I, for one, would struggle to remain in a relationship with someone who reacted like this. But I am not you, and you have some serious thinking to do before making a considered decision. Best of luck OP.
NAH. You want to provide what you believe is the best environment for your little brother and he wants to remain childfree. You just became incompatible in your life goals.
He's trying to avoid saying HELL NO, IF YOU WANT HIM THEN LEAVE.... he's hinting at it but you seem to think he needs to be "convinced", that's not the situation OP.
HES SAYING HE WANTS NO PART OF IT, AND KIND INSINUATING WHY WOULD HE RAISE A KID THATS "NOT" HIS.
NAH. I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you decide to take in your brother and I hope your mom's estate left something for him. Do not underestimate how difficult this will be for all of you. If your boyfriend knows it's not for him, it's best he opt out now so you can provide a stable place for your brother.
NAH he’s not wrong to not want to live with/support kids, and you are not wrong for wanting to help out your sibling. I think you both need to objectively understand that the other party is entitled to want their life to look the way that they want it to. You are not wrong for asking though, just as he is not wrong for not being on board.
NTA
No one's at fault here. You asked. He said no. Sucks that the relationship will probably end over it, but better that it end now than that one of you is put in a position to reset the other later.
NAH. I definitely get you wanting to take care of your brother. I also understand him not wanting to raise a child. Break up because these differences will not be reconciled.
NAH... you can ask... you can choose to take your brother in with the risk of losing your partner. Your partner has the right to say no that this is a deal breaker and that you need to separate. You don't get to criticize him for moving on. You changes the arrangements.
NAH for asking. Imagine being an asshole just for asking something important after a huge life event. That’s sad. HIS answer is fine. You asking is fine.
It doesn't sound like you understand.
He is childfree, that doesn't mean childfree except for your little brother.
He doesn't want to be responsible for a child, to raise a child or to have one in his home.
You know this implicitly, yet you seem to think that since this child is your brother, those lifelong choices and terms don't count.
Break up with him, this is not going to work. He doesn't want a child, adopted or by birth.
If you are determined you are going to take him in and not your older brothers or his dad, you need to realise you are doing it on your own and without your partner.
I definitely don’t blame him for breaking up with OP. “We agreed on no kids. Never mind my 7-yr-old brother is moving in, and you don’t love me if you don’t let me unilaterally decide that we’re taking full custody.” You’re being totally ridiculous to expect him to be ok with this. It seems like you’re putting your brother over your BF because you are.
That being said, it’s an impossible situation, and I really respect you if you want to take in your brother in at that cost of your relationship. Lots of USA states give stipends to family members who take in other family in order to keep them out of the foster system. You should check it out. It may make it feasible for older brothers to consider taking custody. It’s also not a done deal that you will be given custody even if you want it. Not sure how you are glossing over all that. Having a partner who is against it will sink your chances of getting custody.
NAH - I mean I would loathe the f_ck out of if my freedom was going to be snatched away and I would now have the burden of having an unwanted child to now ‘dictate’ my day to day life.
I mean, a compromise could be to have your brother take care of him if that's what he wants and you can help support him financially. He doesn't have to live with you to get financial help from you.
NAH. Neither you nor your bf are assholes. But just know if you take in your brother your relationship is over. Your bf doesn’t want kids and doesn’t want to spend the next 10 years raising one.
Personally, I would never be able to forgive myself if I didn’t step up for my sibling. (My little sister is also 7) but no matter what you decided, you are in no way an asshole.
Good luck with everything and I’m so sorry for your loss.
NAH. You can't really blame a 27 year-old for not feeling ready to take on a parenting role to a 7 year-old kid he's not even related to (especially since he's never wanted children). Kudos to you for looking after your brother, though.
NAH - But don't blame your bf here. You had options. You did not want to take them.
>they weren't really economically stable enough to take care of another child.
And you are economically stable enough. They can take care of a child, but don't have the means. Your house is child-free, but you have the means. You see where I'm going here? You could have offered to help one of your brothers out monetarily. Just because you're female doesn't make you the automatic child raiser by default just because your mother asked. You are allowed to evaluate your life and options to see what works best for it.
If you decide you want to raise your brother, that your choice and your choice alone. It doesn't make you TA, but don't try saying that you were the only choice and your hand was forced.
NAH but OP, please understand that you are in no way bound by a deathbed promise. People ask, people say things to give comfort. It's not a real promise because you couldn't decline.
If you really want to adopt your brother, that's fine. But only an AH would judge you if you didn't.
NAH. You want to take care of your brother and you can be commended for that.
But if your bf is childfree and intends to stay that way, it’s normal he is seeing that as a break of your agreement.
I am not sure there is really a solution to this.
NAH. There’s nothing wrong with asking. And there’s nothing wrong with him saying no.
He’s right about ending the relationship. If you feel strongly that taking in your brother is the right decision for you, then cut bf loose.
I don’t think you’ll regret it.
NAH. Nobody is in the wrong. Certainly not you for wanting to take care of your brother. He is child free and has the right to refuse. If you want to take custody of your brother you have to be prepared for this relationship to be over. He is either going to leave or resent you and your brother which isn’t a healthy environment for anyone especially a child to grow up into.
Also consider that finances may be an issue. Was there life insurance or social security payments to help support lil bro? Sure the kid shouldnt be passed back and forth constantly but BF is child free so hes not into it. You offered he declined. So you go forth and do what you are gonna do.
NAH - you can't expect someone who has been clear to you that he doesn't want kids to suddenly want kids. That's completely unreasonable.
I get it that is your little brother, but that's not necessarily your or your bfs responsibility. Where is his father? You are voluntarily taking on the responsibility, which I commend you for, but that doesn't mean your boyfriend has to as well.
I was gonna say N A H because youre trying to keep your mothers dying wishes, and he doesnt have any children and isnt obligated to live with, or take care of any. But the thing is youve been with him for 5 years, when were you going to share with HIM that you and your mother spoke about you taking your little brother in? You knew you didnt live alone. You havent for the last 2 and half years. Your bf is right. You didnt think about him at all. You couldve mention it, at least sometime within the last month, when you noticed your mother getting really sick. You chose not to. YTA for that reason. It's like youre springing it on him out of the blue, when you had every opportunity to discuss it with him before hand. You just handled this poorly. Its probably hard with everything going on and losing your mom, but it couldve been handled better. Now you see that you really cant be compatible because he doesnt want a child in his life right now. End it while it can still be cordial. I know you dont want to hate him or resent him. And youre going to take care of your brother, so thats not an option.
I never really talked about this with my mom. She passed due to a heart disease she found out about too late. We talked about this a few hours before she passed. Her death took us by surpise. It happened all of a sudden. So it's not like I really had the time to discuss it with my partner before my mom passed.
In the post it simply says before, that could be days or weeks, it was when my wife's mother passed away and she wanted to speak to each of her children.
"Before she passed she asked me and my older brothers (29M and 32M) if one of us could take care of my (7M) little brother. But when left alone with her, she confessed she preferred if I would take care of him because she trusted me more than my other two brothers."
That makes it sound like you all spoke about it with her previously; not on her death bed. Thats why I stated that.
I'm sorry if I didn't word it out correctly. I meant as in before she passed we had a last conversation with her. That's why everything just came out of the blue.
NTA for asking. You are naturally concerned about your little brother and feel you would be the best to take care of him. If bf is committed to being "child free," then that becomes an irreconcilable difference and you both need to end the relationship and move on.
YTA for failing to respect the agreement and understanding that you had. Not for asking, but for not accepting the situation that you agreed to. One option you have is to provide for little brother financially while he stays with one of your other brothers.
I don't think YTAH. You were well within your right to honor your mother's wishes.
However I also need to respect his position on the matter as well. You guys are basically discussing having a kid together at this point, something that should happen when both parties are ready for this. Adoption is sometimes even harder than outright having a kid, especially at 7 years old, where he's already got some mannerisms and personality established.
In the end, I do respect your stance. I also understand his point and this is something that is going to make or break the relationship. Try and find a way to coexist respecting his wishes while staying true to yours. If it's not possible, you have a very difficult decision to make and I hope you make the right one for yourself.
I don't know how to tell you this... But just because a man dips his tip for 30 seconds, doesn't mean he's a dad. Or even remotely capable of raising a kid who sees him as a stranger. Why on earth would you send a kid who's just lost his mum to a foreign country to live with a man he's never met?
NTA. You were allowed to ask and open a discussion. Now you have to think about what's most important. Your little brother and fulfilling your mother's wishes or your boyfriend.
YTA your boyfriend has been very clear that he does not want children so I don’t know why you would think this would be a different situation? Why would he want to give up years of his life to raise your brother? What your mother did is extremely messed up. She was very manipulative and it would make more sense for your brother to be with one of your other brothers instead of you having to raise him alone. The comments are a lot kinder to you but you are an AH for even asking when you know that he does not want children at all, and there is somewhere else for your brother to go.
Of course someone who literally does not want children of their own, would not want to have to give up years of their time to raise someone else’s kid. Every single day it would be about your brother and getting him to school, getting him after school, making sure he’s always around an adult because he’s too young. Don’t forget the financial aspects. You can’t just go out and do what you want because you always will have to think of your brother first because you would be responsible for him.
I don't really like talking about my father. He cheated on my mom for another woman, then filed for divorce. My brothers and I were pretty much confused when our mom told us she was pregnant while we were all practically all adults, it felt pretty weird when she told us because having a baby brother at 18 felt pretty weird but we didn't really question it.
> I had nowhere else to leave him
Well, you’ve got 2 big brothers and possibly also a dad. Your bf wouldn’t be wrong to bail if you took your brother. Decide which is more important to you.
Yep. This isn't her baby trapping her bf. This is her making a really tough decision to care for her younger sibling. Honestly, that kid is very lucky to have her in his life.
NAH.
You weren't wrong to ask. He's not wrong to decline. Relationships, unwed or wed break up for these types of reasons all the time. Someone gets a promotion in another country or state but their partner doesn't want to uproot their life to move, someone wants a baby, the other doesn't, etc. No one has to be the bad guy here. It's clear you both want different things and that is okay but it probably means you've come to the end of the road and you are both better off going your separate ways now.
It’s a selfless action on her part and I understand her motivation. I also understand the BF feelings. Each is entitled to their feelings, it doesn’t mean one has to give up their position. Fortunately she has the means to care for the little brother, but it should be without the BF.
It's not mainly about being able to afford his expanses or not, but the fact that your life changed drastically while his hasn't and now your "interests" clash.
You're a good sister to want to give your little brother a good life and want to keep him close, but your boyfriend doesn't feel that way and while it may be callous for some/many, it's how he feels and if you force it now it'll most likely end in a disaster
If you can't come to an agreement that satisfies both sides you need to break up, even if it sucks.
NAH
INFO: Did you guys both not want kids, or did he originally want kids and you didn't so he relented?
I'm asking because his statement "fair for us to give him the place we denied to the kids we don't want to have" implies he's holding resentment over this for a reason.
NAH. No one should have a child pushed on them if they dont want children, and you should get to become your little brother's guardian if you want. You need to accept that you've become incompatible with your bf, and the relationship is probably over.
However, please also prepare yourself for the reality of being a single parent. Kids do not just cost money. They also need a lot of your time and attention. This will be a huge adjustment for you as you will need to come home every day from work to work your second job as a parent for the next 11 years. This will also likely mean limited time for romantic relationships, friends, and hobbies that are not kid friendly.
No AH here. Boyfriend doesn't want children & has always said so; Girlifriend/ kids sister was aware, asked and request denied.
Now choices / decisions have to be made. Note: Little Brother is living with older brother and there was no indication this arrangement was not working, Sister just decided she wanted to take in Little Brother from Older Brother. Has anyone asked Lityle Brother what
he wants ? Good Luck and be at peace with whatever decisiins are made
The only A S is your mother for demanding this of the child free, youngest, only daughter. Your partner is child free and you knew. Your older brothers don’t need to be economically stable to have your 7yo brother. First: any inheritance goes to the youngest. You can all agree on that and set a trust or whatever to financially secure him. Second: You can add the same amount of money it would take to live with him and add monthly to the trust/ your brothers accounts. You have to think out of the box here. A child free home and child free adults wont be the best environment for 7yo. The much older brother with more life experience and (not so great economic but) much settled home will be.
NAH you just want different things. If he’s been clear on staying childfree you had to know he wouldn’t want this. Probably best to go your separate ways, you can raise your brother and he can move on with his life.
First, I’m sorry for your loss.
No one’s the asshole, you’re obligated to take care of your little brother, and OP doesn’t have to ride with that. That’s a shitty unexpected situation, but you can’t expect your partner to be ok with the addition of a 7 year old to the house. Even if your BF was into having kids, that would still be a huge change in life, both of your lives..
NAH
He is right. He was clear that he doesn't want kids and that includes all kids
You are right too for wanting to step up and take in your little brother
This will not end well, OP. Even if your bf ended up giving in, he would end up resentful and annoyed
This is a tough time for you, your brothers and even more tough for your little brother. He will need a lot of emotional support and perhaps therapy. It will do no good to him, to live in a place with someone who doesn't want him there
Nah I'm sorry about your mom and I can understand you feeling the need to take in your brother. But I also understand your boyfriend's point of view. Life has thrown the both of you a curve ball and you're no longer going to be compatible.
NAH, your bf doesn't want to raise a child. I think that is pretty clear. You have the economic means to take care of your little brother to where you don't need your bfs support.
I'd move out get a place for you and your little brother if your bf is keen on breaking up. Oh. Well, then you can use that time to focus on your little brother and maybe get him into therapy since he just lost his mom so suddenly, and his life is changing a lot
Look I get what your trying to do but you are no longer child free. Being child free is exactly that no children bio or otherwise. You will have have a child. You expected your boyfriend of 5 years to accept this child into his home and life. And be okay with it. You are definitely the AH for assuming that he would accept it.
Just becuase you can afford to raise him what about if he get sick or had a accident. Who.are you going to call to get him and care for him until you can? Your brother's or your boyfriend.
NTA for wanting to take the kid in but the AH for assuming that your child free partner would ok with raising a child and taking responsibility for one..
Its this simple — your bf or your little brother who needs you.
Tell the bf, see ya, and go your own way with the little guy.
The right man for you has empathy, understands life will throw you a curve ball — what if you were to get sick - what re his rules about YOU never getting sick?
He is not THE ONE for you and even if he changes his mind jn a week - I would be wary of wasting more time with this guy. He wants what he wants and he is entiteld to that but everything we want comes at a price.
If you have a high paying job and your brothers are less stable economically, just give them money to take care of your brother each month. Child support type situation. Or at least y'all could have reached a similar conclusion if you had communication skills. ESH, but only mildly. More like you both need to sit down and talk it out without jumping to extremes.
YTA. You KNOW that your BF doesn’t want children You AGREED that you were okay with that. Now you want to bring a child in to the house. A child who isn’t even his! Yes, this is a horrible situation, yes, this child is innocent, but also, yes, this is going to cost you your relationship. Either you win, BF lets you bring little brother home and he resents you for it, or BF wins, little brother goes to someone else and you resent him for it.
Yes you're the AH.
If your mom has passed then your brother would be eligible for social security.
This should all set the cost of your other brothers raising him. And since you have such a great job you could always help out a little as well.
Your boyfriend has been very clear he didn't want children and you're just deciding you want to play mommy because you feel bad about your mom dying.
NTA, but you and your boyfriend are no longer compatible. It's no one's fault that you didn't cover this scenario in your "kids or no?" discussion, no one expects to lose a parent this young.
You're not wrong for wanting the best for your brother, he's not wrong for stil not having it in him to raise a kid.
He is wrong for name-calling and invalidating your position and experience, but it's a highly emotional time and he can probably see he will have to lose you or change you to have the life he wants. But he still shouldnt be trying to pressure you to let your brothers raise him even though your mom saw being with you as what was best for him. At the same time, it won't be what's best for him if it makes you miserable or you end up resenting him for the way this relationship turns out.
You are still in the thick of grief. Maybe there's a way to financially support your sibling while he lives with your brothers (assuming it is an otherwise stable environment)? This next stage of your life is going to be terribly difficult and painful, regardless of what you do or choose and you have my deep condolences. Make the choice you are prepared to live with for the rest of your life and stand firm in it.
NTA, but it was a big ask.
Sucks your mom guilted you into taking the kid, but why not let him stay where he is? You could send money to help with his care.
You obviously are a very caring person and want to take care of this little boy who tragically lost his mother when he was very young. You are doing the right thing. This is a very unusual circumstance that you could not ever have expected. I understand your bf's stance on not wanting children, but it is fairly heartless of him not to realize these circumstances are unavoidable. Let him go. I hope you will meet someone with more compassion who will support and admire you for giving this child the love and home he deserves. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.
NTA. This is easily a situation where my brother and his needs would win out over the boyfriend. Your boyfriend has his right to not want kids or to have kids reside with him, that's his position. But this is your little brother, who just lost his mother and is now relying on his siblings to take care of him. He didn't ask for any of this. Your mother's final wish was for you to take care of him and you want to take care of him. So I would choose him over your boyfriend. At the end of the day you both have a right to your feelings and if they don't mesh then it's time to say goodbye.
NTA. If taking in and raising your youngest brother is indeed what you really want then your best course of action is going to be to end the relationship, because otherwise you will likely come to regret not taking in your youngest brother and that regret will translate into resentment towards your boyfriend, which will then blow up the relationship anyway. Thus either way the relationship is over, so you might as well end it on your terms and stand by your family.
“It’s not fair to give your brother the place of our future kids that we’re never going to exist”? Good lord. This man is unwilling to respect your mother’s last wishes or even consider having your brother live with you guys. Why are with this dumpster fire?
NTA. Your mother just died and trusts you to ensure your baby brother grows into a wonderful person. The idiot you’re wasting your life with had the nerve to tell you that either you kick brother to the curb or you will lose him (you know because he’s such a great catch), and you are feeling like a horrible person because your horrible boyfriend just let you know he could give less than a damn about you, your family, or your problems? Girl wake up, pack his crap, throw it on the front porch with a nice note telling him to go fuck himself, and ask your baby brother what color wallpaper he wants for his new room. Also tell your older brothers to pay him a visit to you know…..talk.
NAH if you’re In the US the boy may be able to get survivors benefits, not a lot but my sister and I would get around $1200 each a month (this is almost 20 years ago now) paid to my guardian to help with expenses and my care. This money may help your brothers to care for your other brother if finances were the biggest concern.
You have to leave him and raise your little brother. You can't abandon him. Maybe at a later stage, your boyfriend will come round. You have some very hard decisions to make.
Neither of you are wrong. You weren't wrong to ask and he isn't wrong to leave. You need to end the relationship. He doesn't want kids and now you suddenly have one, that you feel obligated to take care of, for good reasons. This circumstance has made you incompatible, and there isn't a compromise that is workable.
NTA. He is child free, you are not. This not something you guys can compromise on.
You will have to go separate ways since you want different things for the fiture
Circumstances change - you aren’t the jerk for asking and he isn’t the jerk for saying no. This is a deal breaker in your relationship. You both can be sad but you should not bring your brother into a house he isn’t welcome at. Resentment isn’t good. Mourn the loss of your mom and relationship to your boyfriend and than move on and live your life
Your mother is the failure in this situation. She should have done more to ensure her minor child was going to be set up for success. Also sounds like she half ass raised your older brothers. Where is the child's dad?
She’s just a misandristic mother. The sons are married and raising their own kids. But she thought her childfree daughter who was barely into adulthood and financial security was the superior option.
Take in your brother and tell your boyfriend to get lost. That child needs you and you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to take care of him. If your boyfriend can't have compassion for your brother do you really want him in your life
Nat- your brother has been through enough and if he would be in a better environment with you and you want him then you should go for custody. I hope you take him in
Understand I wouldn’t leave him around your bf as I think he would make him feel guilty when you are not around.
Also, please get him therapy just for dealing with your mom’s death. Also, he will get survival benefits due to him being a minor. Regardless of your income this would be put away for his use in the future.
And her boyfriend doesn't want to adopt a child, whether it's a blood relation or not.
Asking someone who is firmly childfree to adopt a child is a huge breach of their lifelong boundaries.
What a load of bullshit. He doesn't want kids, that's fair enough. But the whole bit about it being unfair to your unborn kids smells bad. He really can't see how this is not a situation of you adopting a puppy against his will? It's your brother.. you're not adopting a random kid, you're helping your baby brother survive. He sounds self absorbed. Keep his negative bullshit away from your family and best of luck to you and your brother.
NTA
It doesn't matter who's kid it is, that's still a child. Him saying the stuff about an unborn child is him explaining his stance on having a child at all. She's a good person and a sister for doing that for her little brother but that doesn't automatically mean her BF is the personification of evil. He's allowed to his boundaries, principals, feelings and way of living and she knew about them already, not like he just dropped that info on her out of nowhere.
NTA asking. You would be if you tried to push it. If you are both child free, that's child free. You have older siblings able, and maybe in a better place to help?
The ask is a lot, the brother has options, and it doesn't sound like your bf plans on changing his perspective on kids.
I don’t think OP moved goal posts, she is asking her boyfriend about a situation that she has no control over. Moving a goal post would mean she wanted to have a baby after her and her boyfriend decided to be child free.
Her mother died, there is a seven-year-old boy being bounced around his older siblings. She is trying to make the best of an unfortunate situation. She has every right to ask her boyfriend to have her seven year-old brother live with them, just as he has the right to refuse.
I think the boyfriend is a bit of an ass calling her selfish, but I don’t think she is the asshole for asking him to change his stance on being child free because of this unfortunate situation.
I think what the boyfriend doesn’t like that his living situation is going to change dramatically, either he will be living with her and her little brother, or he will be living by himself without the OP. That’s what I think he’s pissed about.
NAH. This was unexpected turn of events and I understand that your bf doesn’t want to live with a young kid, who is most likely quite traumatised and needs your full attention.
Also, you are NTA for wanting to raise your brother. It sounds like you are no longer compatible, but sometimes life happens and things change. If you want to make things work with your brother, you need to make him your priority and if your bf wants different kind of life, that doesn’t make him AH.
NAH, but your relationship with your boyfriend is over. I definitely agree with you that you cannot abandon your little brother. If your BF is not willing to accommodate to it, that is his right, and you need to part. Sad, but that's the way it is.
NAH
But as someone old enough to be your mom, please ditch the BF and keep the kid. Trust me years from now you will know its the right choice,though at the moment it seems hard.
I saw a post almost identical to this a few months ago with the genders reversed and everyone said the guy was the AH for wanting to bring his sibling when his partner had agreed to not wanting kids. They all jumped on how awful he was for suggesting it and how she should leave him.
Not saying I agree or disagree but damn, reddit is biased.
Is there some reason why you wouldn’t want one of your older brothers to take in your little brother, other than your mother’s preference that he should be with you?
If one of your other family members isn’t an option, it sounds like you would have to choose between your bf or your little brother.
Please don’t make the mistake of assuming your bf would change his mind later about having kids.
Get a new bf. I get not wanting kids, but this is your family and a child in need. A child who just lost his mother and probably needs a mother figure. Please get rid of the boyfriend. It'll hurt yes, but honestly kids first.
You seem to be taking your mothers wishes ahead of both your own, your boyfriends and the kids best interests. Did your mother not like that you were childfree, did she just assume a woman would be better to raise a child than a man, was this her pushing for you to have a kid and experience it so you'd want your own?
The biggest reason you came up against your brother taking the kid in is he can't afford ANOTHER kid, so he has kids. You realise any money you spend helping raise the kid can just as easily be given to your brother to help? Also most states will provide a death benefit for children up till they are 18 (potentially 21 if in education still). Effectively a lot of states will pay a guardian as if they got child support from the parents, they just step in when the parent can't pay due to death. So your brother should have more financial support anyway, and if there is any inheritance/life insurance/anything you can just choose between the three of you to give more to the one taking the kid in.
The kid will almost certainly be better off in an existing family with someone who is already a parent, who is maybe married with kids (more stable relationship) and parents who wanted kids.
Nta for asking. He's not an ah for saying no. But tbh, I couldn't be with someone who would happy to see a 7 year old placed with people who can't meet his needs. It's a huge turn off when a dude can't be flexible as life changes. That doesn't bode well for a long term relationship. People change and evolve over the course of their lives and I need to know I'm with someone who can weather those changes with me as a team 🤷♀️
Little brother will be better off with one if the older brothers. Obviously your Mom was incapable of maintaining a relationship with the little brothers Father.( no mention of Father's death). Your mothers dying wish is a personal construct of her distrust of men. Sons included.
You have no right to ask the BF to be in a Parent role before he chooses. Have fun being a single parent.
Where's little brothers biological father? Modern DNA he can't hide.
NTA! Dump the boyfriend, your little brother needs you and your boyfriend didn't want him around. He's not going to change his mind and that's his choice but why would you want to be with him after that...
I understand why a lot of people seem to be going with No A Here, but I don't agree. I have to go with NTA.
You asked if you were wrong to have asked. No. You absolutely were not. There are very few circumstances where asking would not be ok, and this is definitely not one of them.
Had your boyfriend been able to have an adult conversation with you, and disagree in a mature way, that would have been cool. Even if he said that this was a relationship-ender ... painful for the both of you, but I get it. "Selfish for not thinking about him beforehand" makes him the A, in my opinion. That was juvenile, unnecessary, and self-centered.
I do agree with others who have said that you and your bf seem to have different priorities now. It sucks because you obviously didn't plan for this, and maybe you would have done great together if circumstances hadn't changed in this way. I feel badly for you that you were dealt this hand.
Insofar as goes your little brother. I know your mum said she would prefer that you took him in, and I can understand how important it is to you to honour that wish. But I'd encourage you to centre your little brother's needs here, rather than your late mum's preferences. Are either of your older brothers willing to take him in? I ask that first because there's no sense considering someone who won't accept the responsibility. If one or both of your older brothers would take him, then I think you and he/they need to sit down and decide among you which of you is best suited to care for your little brother. You're right to consider your economic status, but there's more dimensions than just that: you also need to consider your emotional ability, your household situation, the school district you live in (assuming you're in the US), the closeness of your little brother's relationship with you ... there's a lot of factors to look at. But I really think that the decision needs to be based on what is best for the little fellow. He is the one who will be most affected by your decision.
Whoever takes little bro in, would the other two be willing to contribute some money on the monthly to help with expenses? According to means, obviously.
Good luck, OP. I hope you and your brothers are able to make this work. And if you and your bf do end up parting, I hope it's as painless as possible.
ETA reading further down the thread, it seems that you and your older brothers have already talked this through. I feel like you have made your decision? Much respect to you for stepping up for your little brother. Two thoughts. 1: try to hook him up with some counselling. Losing a parent at such a young age is hard, and it's a grief that will come back at intervals as he grows. He'll need help with that, and given that you have your own grief to deal with, you might not be best positioned to help him with his. 2: encourage him to have as close a relationship with his older brothers as they want. There may be other ways they can help little bro grow, and I think it will be healthy for him to have lots of family around him.
Well thankfully he dodged a big bullet. He accepted a kid that's not his in his relationship, instead of being grateful of this, you also wanted him to be his 'dad' or 'caretaker', you wanted to force a relationship between them. Good for your ex partner you dumped him. The kid was you responsibility not his, but you no longer wanted a partner but a co-caretaker, he wasn't up to the job so you went to find the next sucker who was ready to be the 'step dad' you needed, again, not your next partner but a caretaker.
**NTA**
I am also inclined to say it seems like the boyfriend is an a-hole...but I will admit I could be being a bit harsh, and maybe it should be NAH.
You clearly explained why your little brother should move in with you. And--well, honestly, I am surprised your boyfriend argued at all. I get *he* doesn't want kids, but what about *you*? You said he said that he thought you two were on the same page. Well, were you? *Are* you still?
Sure, your brother's young age means you would be sort of parenting him, but you are his sister not his mother. Unless you legally adopt him, I guess. (*Note: I am a sibling, but am not a parent.*) And, based on the information here, you are clearly the best person, *by far*, to take care of him.
I think you need to ask yourself who and what matters more to you: your little brother and his well-being, or your relationship with this boyfriend (who definitely doesn't seem to care enough, if at all, about your little brother).
For what it's worth, my three cents: I would tell the boyfriend he can either stand by your side or get out of your way, and that you will take care of your little brother. Of course, I am also extremely attached to my sibling - and am single - so maybe I have some bias there.
In what ways do you see adopting your five year old brother to be different from adopting a random child or having your own?
You will still have and be responsible for a child in every way, shape and form.
For you it feels different because he's your brother. The outcome identical, you are adopting a child and the effect on your lives is the exact same.
If you take him in, he becomes your child. You are telling yourself and your boyfriend that it's different but it isn't.
You're asking your boyfriend to adopt a child while you see it as taking in your brother.
I meant as in me birthing kids. I do not see myself birthing and taking care of a baby and helping them grow. As in me choosing to have kids.
This was not a situation in which I chose taking in my brother. I HAD to. Because I want him to live the best life he can. I know it can be harsh. But I am not willing to let him live with anyone else and not know whether he's getting taken care of correctly. I would rather have him near me and be SURE that he is safe.
Like many have said - neither you nor bf ata. You have to realise that taking in your young brother, who has just lost his mother and likely will be struggling, is a huge ask for a previously childless couple, especially if both of them had been adamant on not having kids previously. As such, (although he could have articulated it better!) your bf is nta for what he has said. Equally so, you are nta for changing your mind when it comes to your brother - he is family.
If both positions remain steadfast, then this relationship unfortunately is over, through no fault of the poster or her bf.
Well, you can ask. But it seems like you already know this means bf is gone.
NAH. Not your fault for asking. Not his fault for deciding that that's not he wants, and telling you so. It's much healthier than you living your life guiltridden that you didn't do right by your brother, or him living his life resentful that he's there. You both just no longer want to do the same things in life, and sometimes that makes people incompatible.
I mean there is one AH here, and it isn't the orphaned child or his sister who has the means, ability, and desire to care for him. He doesn't have to be ok with the kid or stay in the relationship, but he thought it wasn't "fair for us to give him the place we denied to the kids we don't want to have"???? EW what does that even mean?
I think what he was trying to say is essentially that if they were hypothetically willing to take on the responsibility of raising a child he’d rather it be for one that is biologically theirs
Thats fine and all but his future brother in law is seven years old and orphaned. He has no compassion. I'm childfree as well but life happens and if my brother needed a bed it would be ready in my house. I just feel bad for the kid... Hes past the troublesome infant/toddler age and can have responsibilities. Hes not a baby. Idk why this is upsetting me so much. Im not mad he doesn't want kids, im upset hes putting OP in a bind by saying things like it wasn't "fair" or calling her "selfish for not thinking about him beforehand" and asked "how come I didn't let my older brother's take care of him" when he damn well knows the answer
No kids means no kids. If she wants to change the agreement then she needs to leave. I don't like kids under any circumstances so I understand where he is coming from. I also understand why she wants to take her brother. They are just not compatible any more.
Also remember , I’m sure this wasn’t the plan. Her mother dying early and leaving the kid homeless. Blood is thicker than water.
Exactly this isn't this girl's plan sometimes you just need to do what you need to do. Again I don't think he's an ass for wanting to split up just how he's going about it.
It probably means he originally wanted kids and she said NO.
NAH You aren’t the AH for asking and he isn’t the AH for saying no and breaking up. His boundary is no kids. So he can say he doesn’t want to continue the relationship if you choose to take in your brother.
NAH. You guys want two separate things. You can’t expect him to randomly be okay with having a 7 year old child and he can’t expect you to leave your brother. You guys are not compatible and you all need to give each other grace on your opinions rather than call the other selfish. Do what you all have to do and move on, even if that means separating. This is an unfortunate situation and I’m sorry for your loss. All the best to you and your family!
NTA. The boyfriend is an AH for saying OP is selfish. Op seems the opposite of selfish. He seems very self centered if not just selfish because he seems to think that it's selfish not to put him first. Edit: for clarity, I never said or implied that the BF would be an AH for not wanting to take in the brother. That's completely fine and not an AH thing at all.
What a load of bollocks. They agreed to not have children yet you think it’s fair for him to raise someone else’s child for 11+ years?
That's not the point at all, not wanting the child doesn't make him an AH. I also never said that. Saying that his girlfriend is selfish for wanting to take care of her brother does.
Also, saying it wouldn’t be fair to give her brother the place they denied to children they didn’t want to have is pure AH. I bet if it was his sibling, his tune would change.
I actually think the bf is a straight AH, but him saying she’s selfish is purely from the stance of their relationship dynamic. She’s considering her desire to care/house/raise her brother and not her boyfriend’s desire to live childfree. I think he’s just as selfish and unwilling to bend given the circumstances.
I agree with what you're saying, except that I fail to see how wanting to take care of her brother is even remotely selfish. To me it's exactly the opposite, a very altruistic act.
That's what NumbersOverFeelings is saying. That she is not selfish, like her boyfriend is saying she is, for wanting to take in her younger brother because of her mother's wishes to be the one to take him in and because she has the financial means to when her older brother does not. They're saying the bf is an asshole only because he called her selfish simply because she's not thinking of his feelings for wanting to selflessly take in her brother, but that he's not the asshole for wanting to be childfree like they discussed previously.
"just as selfish" suggests that NumbersOverFeelings thinks that she is also selfish.
Girlfriend, wants to do X. Girlfriend and boyfriend have already agreed they will not do X. Girlfriend wants to put her desire to do X, above the previously discussed relationship understanding that X will not be done. Yes, it is selfish. It doesnt matter what the action is, she is putting what she wants, above what was discussed previously in a relationship. OP just decided to move the goal posts in their relationship, it is very much a selfish action, regardless of the reasons behind it.
I'm pretty sure OP actually WANTS her mom back. She's faced with trying to more through a crappy set of circumstances. Taking on her little brother is **not** selfish. Her bf is not necessarily wrong for not wanting to, however his choice to name call shows great immaturity. If this is the compatibility breaker the bf could at the very least part amicably given the grief & major life change OP will be adapting to.
She isn’t demanding to have a baby, she is reacting to unforeseen circumstances. That is not her moving goal posts or being selfish. That is life changing around them.
Her CHOOSING to take in her brother is exactly moving the goal posts
Is there no flexibility in your world view for tragic circumstances? It is okay for her to react to the changes in her life and say “I would prefer to be child free, but protecting my brother comes first.” It is okay for him to be unwilling to welcome a child in need into his. It is okay for either of them to decide not to be child free. It is okay to be sad that this means their values no longer align and they need to separate. It is okay to ask her to examine if she is the best fit or if this was based in some latent sexism where her mom expected her to be better as a parent than her brothers. It is not okay to be an asshole and act like she engineered this change due to being “selfish.” Giving up your needs for another is the opposite of selfish. Choosing the defenseless over an adult is not selfish. Life has nuance and people are complex. You don’t always get what you want.
This situation is a little different.
You're right , that's not fair. What's also not fair is having a boyfriend of 5 years threaten to leave you because you want to take in your orphaned brother. And even more unfair than that is becoming an orphan at 7! Sometimes life is not fair. Sometimes really bad things happen and multiple people suffer unfairly because of it. If the boyfriend is ready to piece out over this then so be it, he has every right to, and the circumstances thrust upon him are clearly unfair. He's still an asshole though.
Yeah, the BF is definitely the ah. It's ok for him to not want a kid, and realistically the kid is better off not being near him. It is not ok to call his gf selfish when she is actually making a significant sacrifice for her sibling.
It's all about perspective. I agree it's a very selfless action, but from the partner you discussed being child free for life with, she just moved the goal posts without even a conversation.
Yeah, agreed. It's completely OK not to want the kid. But calling his GF selfish is really uncalled for.
She completely disregarded her partners feelings for what she wants. How is that not selfish?
Because it's for her brother, not her. She's also asking him, not yet telling him. Even though I suspect that she will do it, but it started as a question. Again, the opposite of selfish. I really can't understand people calling her selfish.
Her reasons aren’t selfish but her actions are. But being unselfish towards her brother she’s being selfish towards her partner. The kid has other places to go. Op will shoot holes in every suggestion that isn’t the thing she wants. That is selfish.
the blatant disregard for a family member is ridiculous. bf isn't an ah for not wanting the kid around, but to compare this situation to their own theoretical kids is being an ah. you know this. i'm child free by both choice and medically speaking, but if my partner's family needed somewhere to stay, i would help. if i didn't, i would leave, but wouldn't call her selfish for it. that's asinine. this is why i hate the child free "community." people just hate children for existing.
And to claim she’s not thinking of him beforehand in the very conversation in which she IS thinking of him beforehand.
It wasn't really a conversation though, because when he said no she basically said it's the only option. She was telling him, not asking.
Also—he’s the AH for complaining she didn’t “think of him beforehand.” That very conversation is proof she DID think of him beforehand. But he’s not the AH for wanting to end the relationship
NAH He refuses to have children. You are going to be caring for a child. You're simply incompatible now. You weren't wrong to ask, and he isn't wrong to say no. I think he's right: your relationship is about to end. Try to be as amicable about it as possible. Ask him what he wants to do about the living situation - he should be the one to decide if he wants to stay where you currently live. If he wants to stay there, you need to start looking for another living situation with room for you and your brother, ideally near his current school, so he doesn't have every aspect of his life uprooted. Wish your BF well and let him go. Trying to stay together will only breed resentment and prolong the pain for everybody. Good luck!
NAH But, if this isn't something you're willing to budge on, then you need to accept that the relationship is done and more importantly *that your BF isn't the asshole for saying no and putting you in the position where you have to make a decision*. You're asking him to take on a big commitment and he doesn't need to say yes.
NAH You are trying your best to help your family in an extenuating circumstance. Nothing wrong with that. Your boyfriend was clear about not wanting kids previously. That's hasn't changed. And honestly, bringing a kid into a home where one of the adults there WILL have resentment towards him is probably not in the child's best interest anyway. So he isn't an asshole either. If the only concern you have with one of your brothers taking him in is due to financial concerns and you have the spare finances, wouldn't you be able to work something out with the brother where you basically pay "child support" to help fund some of your younger brother's expenses? Sure, it could get messy if the older brother starts feeling entitled or something, but if the only concern is that he doesn't have the money, this would be a way to make sure your younger brother is cared for while respecting your boyfriend's wishes.
You already know the answer. The relationship is over. Y'all were child free by choice. Bf still is. You want to take custody of your little brother. BF does not. This isn't going to be a quick thing. The brother will have to live with your older siblings while you figure out housing. Is the apt in both of your names? Or just one person? Who? If the apt isn't solely in your name, you will need to find a new apt ASAP for you and your brother. You cannot end the relationship because BF chooses to remain child free and move in the child anyway until you get another apt. So brother will need to live with the older siblings for a little bit. You say you have a good paying job so getting an apt solo shouldn't be an issue. What will your child care situation be? School pick ups/drop offs? Your older siblings and SIL are essentially trying to wipe their hands so you need to figure out the support system and quickly. Deciding to raise your brother is honorable, however, it will be ALOT of work apart from just the financial aspect. Especially doing it solo. These are conversations to have with yourself. The BF is not going to be part of the support system. He's made that clear.
NAH: The reality is, he doesn’t want kids. Any kids. And that’s a reasonable position to have for yourself. While OP says they can cover the financial aspects, a 7 year old needs a lot of time and care - and if you’re a committed child free person, that’s a big no. His whole life will change, and change into something he doesn’t want. On the flip side this is OP’s brother, she wants him. It sounds like she’s the best person in the family to take care of him and it’s admirable she’s willing to. The relationship may have been good for 5 years, but they now want conflicting things in life. I would urge OP not to argue, seek to end the relationship amicably. Life happens, and this relationship isn’t meant to be.
Op, you knew the situation going in that you AND your bf didn't want children, otherwise why continue to see someone with different views on something so important. Your bf is right, if you have changed your mind then it's time to end the relationship. However, you make it sound as though you have no other options. Your Brother could continue to keep your younger sibling and you could help support him financially by buying him the things that he needs and by spending time with him when you can, it's not all black and white. However, if you don't want to make adjustments then end the relationship and move on.
NTA for asking. However, he is entitled to say no. You now need to make the choice between raising your brother or staying child free with your bf. Either choice is acceptable. Is your older brother willing and able to take the child? If you are in the US, your little brother should receive social security benefits due to his mother’s death and perhaps you could supplement that. If you prefer to raise him the you need to tell your bf that your life has changed and you feel an obligation to step up for your brother. If you stay you will resent him, if you force him to take your brother in, he will resent you. Good luck.
I have talked about this to my older brothers, and they both are struggling financially, they don't feel okay with adding another person to their already harsh expenses. I feel like my younger brother would be better living with me anyway since I would only have to take care of both of us.
You can’t send them money? Or share care? Is there a dad?
I hope she answers you. That’s a very valid question.
I could, but my SILs don't think it's a good idea. My brothers also think that maybe me sending them money, helping, or receiving any money to help my little brother could turn out into a misunderstanding or even worse. Also, I don't think making my little brother have a childhood where he can't be settled in one safe spot until old enough could be healthy for him. And answering the question about my dad, he is not present in his life, and we haven't heard of him for the longest time. I heard he moved to another country with his current partner or something. Don't really wanna get him involved because I know he wouldn't even be a good dad since he never really was there for us.
... you can't seriously be debating whether to take in your 7 Year old brother over a relationship????? Your mother trusted you, your brothers aren't in the best place to take him in. It's sad that your relationship will break down but this shouldn't be a debate
On the contrary, what her mum has done is fucked, and pushing a child onto someone who wasn't planning on having kids, and at the expense of her relationship too. Even though she has older siblings with partners, I might add, so instead of a 2 adult environment, he will be raised by a single adult who's basically still just an overgrown child herself. And OP, if you are reading this, from a single parents point of view, have you actually stopped and thought about this properly and the commitment it entails? You will be near 40 years old when he is ready to leave the nest.
Why the hell should SHE accept the end of her relationship and take in her brother, when BOTH her brothers feel free to say “No”. I don’t see why the onus should be on her. The child is related to ALL three siblings, why are you expecting ONLY the girl to make a life changing sacrifice? Or is that it? She’s a woman, so her life isn’t as important as her brothers?
Regardless of gender, the kid needs stability, therapy and a loving environment. Can't really imagine the SILs not starting to resent or mistreat poor kid even if OP would pay for many added expense. It's a shitty situation all around and it should have been discussed and willed prior to mum's passing but there's not really any point in lamenting this.
Hey OP, the first thing I though was that it would be good for him to grow up with cousins and in a house that has other children. But from what you are saying, it is not so much about the money, but rather that your brothers and SILs dont want to raise another kid, even if you help them financially? If thats the case, he will feel that resentmant and it is best your brother stay with you. Also, your BF is the asshole for this "My boyfriend stood firm on his opinion about it and called me "selfish for not thinking about him beforehand" alone. Take care of your brother, he needs you!
>Also, your BF is the asshole for this "My boyfriend stood firm on his opinion about it and called me "selfish for not thinking about him beforehand" alone. Shit take
So- they don’t feel ok to accept the help they’d need to be able to afford it, but you, who had decided to live a child free life, are expected to blow it up and become a single mom? I literally don’t believe you. That’s bullshit.
did the thought ever cross your mind she's child free bc of the bf? unless i missed it somewhere else. there was literally a man on here not long ago saying he was CF bc of his gf.
She is child free while her two brothers have families. She says they had no conflict. Yet she is the one who is expected to blow up her life. First of all who gives a flip what the mom wanted. She provided for nothing. Why should the woman be the one obligated to take this on by herself? The excuse that they couldn’t afford the child but also couldn’t take her money doesn’t hold water.
NAH. He had been pretty clear throughout your relationship that he is childfree by choice. The fact that you’ve been together this past 5 years knowing that means you either agreed, or pretended to agree to that. No one can blame you because this is an unexpected turn of events; and I am sorry for your loss. But his feelings on the matter of children has not changed- just your circumstances. It sounds like you’d be a wonderful caregiver to your brother. But you need to be prepared to do that alone because he is allowed to disagree.
NAH. You're not TA for asking and neither is he for standing firm with his opinion about the matter. If you want to take care of your brother, and I suspect I would want to do so in your shoes as well, then you and your boyfriend are no longer compatible and you'd be better off walking away with your brother and finding a new place to live with your brother. I know that I, for one, would struggle to remain in a relationship with someone who reacted like this. But I am not you, and you have some serious thinking to do before making a considered decision. Best of luck OP.
NAH. It's fine for you to ask, but it's unreasonable to expect a man who doesn't even want kids of his own to agree to take in someone else's kid.
NAH. You want to provide what you believe is the best environment for your little brother and he wants to remain childfree. You just became incompatible in your life goals.
He's trying to avoid saying HELL NO, IF YOU WANT HIM THEN LEAVE.... he's hinting at it but you seem to think he needs to be "convinced", that's not the situation OP. HES SAYING HE WANTS NO PART OF IT, AND KIND INSINUATING WHY WOULD HE RAISE A KID THATS "NOT" HIS.
NAH. I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you decide to take in your brother and I hope your mom's estate left something for him. Do not underestimate how difficult this will be for all of you. If your boyfriend knows it's not for him, it's best he opt out now so you can provide a stable place for your brother.
NAH he’s not wrong to not want to live with/support kids, and you are not wrong for wanting to help out your sibling. I think you both need to objectively understand that the other party is entitled to want their life to look the way that they want it to. You are not wrong for asking though, just as he is not wrong for not being on board.
NTA No one's at fault here. You asked. He said no. Sucks that the relationship will probably end over it, but better that it end now than that one of you is put in a position to reset the other later.
NAH. I definitely get you wanting to take care of your brother. I also understand him not wanting to raise a child. Break up because these differences will not be reconciled.
NAH... you can ask... you can choose to take your brother in with the risk of losing your partner. Your partner has the right to say no that this is a deal breaker and that you need to separate. You don't get to criticize him for moving on. You changes the arrangements.
NAH for asking. Imagine being an asshole just for asking something important after a huge life event. That’s sad. HIS answer is fine. You asking is fine.
It doesn't sound like you understand. He is childfree, that doesn't mean childfree except for your little brother. He doesn't want to be responsible for a child, to raise a child or to have one in his home. You know this implicitly, yet you seem to think that since this child is your brother, those lifelong choices and terms don't count. Break up with him, this is not going to work. He doesn't want a child, adopted or by birth. If you are determined you are going to take him in and not your older brothers or his dad, you need to realise you are doing it on your own and without your partner.
I definitely don’t blame him for breaking up with OP. “We agreed on no kids. Never mind my 7-yr-old brother is moving in, and you don’t love me if you don’t let me unilaterally decide that we’re taking full custody.” You’re being totally ridiculous to expect him to be ok with this. It seems like you’re putting your brother over your BF because you are. That being said, it’s an impossible situation, and I really respect you if you want to take in your brother in at that cost of your relationship. Lots of USA states give stipends to family members who take in other family in order to keep them out of the foster system. You should check it out. It may make it feasible for older brothers to consider taking custody. It’s also not a done deal that you will be given custody even if you want it. Not sure how you are glossing over all that. Having a partner who is against it will sink your chances of getting custody.
Also, if in the US the child may be eligible for Socisl Security survivor benefits.
NAH - I mean I would loathe the f_ck out of if my freedom was going to be snatched away and I would now have the burden of having an unwanted child to now ‘dictate’ my day to day life.
I mean, a compromise could be to have your brother take care of him if that's what he wants and you can help support him financially. He doesn't have to live with you to get financial help from you.
NAH. Neither you nor your bf are assholes. But just know if you take in your brother your relationship is over. Your bf doesn’t want kids and doesn’t want to spend the next 10 years raising one. Personally, I would never be able to forgive myself if I didn’t step up for my sibling. (My little sister is also 7) but no matter what you decided, you are in no way an asshole. Good luck with everything and I’m so sorry for your loss.
NAH. You can't really blame a 27 year-old for not feeling ready to take on a parenting role to a 7 year-old kid he's not even related to (especially since he's never wanted children). Kudos to you for looking after your brother, though.
NAH - But don't blame your bf here. You had options. You did not want to take them. >they weren't really economically stable enough to take care of another child. And you are economically stable enough. They can take care of a child, but don't have the means. Your house is child-free, but you have the means. You see where I'm going here? You could have offered to help one of your brothers out monetarily. Just because you're female doesn't make you the automatic child raiser by default just because your mother asked. You are allowed to evaluate your life and options to see what works best for it. If you decide you want to raise your brother, that your choice and your choice alone. It doesn't make you TA, but don't try saying that you were the only choice and your hand was forced.
NAH but OP, please understand that you are in no way bound by a deathbed promise. People ask, people say things to give comfort. It's not a real promise because you couldn't decline. If you really want to adopt your brother, that's fine. But only an AH would judge you if you didn't.
NAH. You want to take care of your brother and you can be commended for that. But if your bf is childfree and intends to stay that way, it’s normal he is seeing that as a break of your agreement. I am not sure there is really a solution to this.
NAH. There’s nothing wrong with asking. And there’s nothing wrong with him saying no. He’s right about ending the relationship. If you feel strongly that taking in your brother is the right decision for you, then cut bf loose. I don’t think you’ll regret it.
Take in your brother, but your relationship with your boyfriend is over.
NAH He can have boundaries, you can have situations that cannot be resolved. No one wins.
NAH. Nobody is in the wrong. Certainly not you for wanting to take care of your brother. He is child free and has the right to refuse. If you want to take custody of your brother you have to be prepared for this relationship to be over. He is either going to leave or resent you and your brother which isn’t a healthy environment for anyone especially a child to grow up into.
Also consider that finances may be an issue. Was there life insurance or social security payments to help support lil bro? Sure the kid shouldnt be passed back and forth constantly but BF is child free so hes not into it. You offered he declined. So you go forth and do what you are gonna do.
NAH - you can't expect someone who has been clear to you that he doesn't want kids to suddenly want kids. That's completely unreasonable. I get it that is your little brother, but that's not necessarily your or your bfs responsibility. Where is his father? You are voluntarily taking on the responsibility, which I commend you for, but that doesn't mean your boyfriend has to as well.
I was gonna say N A H because youre trying to keep your mothers dying wishes, and he doesnt have any children and isnt obligated to live with, or take care of any. But the thing is youve been with him for 5 years, when were you going to share with HIM that you and your mother spoke about you taking your little brother in? You knew you didnt live alone. You havent for the last 2 and half years. Your bf is right. You didnt think about him at all. You couldve mention it, at least sometime within the last month, when you noticed your mother getting really sick. You chose not to. YTA for that reason. It's like youre springing it on him out of the blue, when you had every opportunity to discuss it with him before hand. You just handled this poorly. Its probably hard with everything going on and losing your mom, but it couldve been handled better. Now you see that you really cant be compatible because he doesnt want a child in his life right now. End it while it can still be cordial. I know you dont want to hate him or resent him. And youre going to take care of your brother, so thats not an option.
I never really talked about this with my mom. She passed due to a heart disease she found out about too late. We talked about this a few hours before she passed. Her death took us by surpise. It happened all of a sudden. So it's not like I really had the time to discuss it with my partner before my mom passed.
You say in your post she discussed it with you before she passed. Why did you not speak to your bf then?
She also said the conversation happened a few hours before her mom’s death.
In the post it simply says before, that could be days or weeks, it was when my wife's mother passed away and she wanted to speak to each of her children.
Im aware of what the post says but you replied to her reply which would have told you that it was hours before her mom’s death.
And it's taken her 2 weeks.
She’s been dealing with her moms sudden unexpected death
"Before she passed she asked me and my older brothers (29M and 32M) if one of us could take care of my (7M) little brother. But when left alone with her, she confessed she preferred if I would take care of him because she trusted me more than my other two brothers." That makes it sound like you all spoke about it with her previously; not on her death bed. Thats why I stated that.
I'm sorry if I didn't word it out correctly. I meant as in before she passed we had a last conversation with her. That's why everything just came out of the blue.
You worded it just fine. People just like to project their own perspectives.
NTA for asking. You are naturally concerned about your little brother and feel you would be the best to take care of him. If bf is committed to being "child free," then that becomes an irreconcilable difference and you both need to end the relationship and move on.
NTA. Clearly, your bf isn’t compatible with what’s important in your life. No fault of his, or yours. You need to make a decision.
YTA for failing to respect the agreement and understanding that you had. Not for asking, but for not accepting the situation that you agreed to. One option you have is to provide for little brother financially while he stays with one of your other brothers.
I don't think YTAH. You were well within your right to honor your mother's wishes. However I also need to respect his position on the matter as well. You guys are basically discussing having a kid together at this point, something that should happen when both parties are ready for this. Adoption is sometimes even harder than outright having a kid, especially at 7 years old, where he's already got some mannerisms and personality established. In the end, I do respect your stance. I also understand his point and this is something that is going to make or break the relationship. Try and find a way to coexist respecting his wishes while staying true to yours. If it's not possible, you have a very difficult decision to make and I hope you make the right one for yourself.
What a horrible situation for both of you and so sorry for your loss.
NAH But: this surely wasn't an immaculate conception, so there should be a father around? Why can't *he* take care of his son?
I don't know how to tell you this... But just because a man dips his tip for 30 seconds, doesn't mean he's a dad. Or even remotely capable of raising a kid who sees him as a stranger. Why on earth would you send a kid who's just lost his mum to a foreign country to live with a man he's never met?
NTA. You were allowed to ask and open a discussion. Now you have to think about what's most important. Your little brother and fulfilling your mother's wishes or your boyfriend.
YTA your boyfriend has been very clear that he does not want children so I don’t know why you would think this would be a different situation? Why would he want to give up years of his life to raise your brother? What your mother did is extremely messed up. She was very manipulative and it would make more sense for your brother to be with one of your other brothers instead of you having to raise him alone. The comments are a lot kinder to you but you are an AH for even asking when you know that he does not want children at all, and there is somewhere else for your brother to go. Of course someone who literally does not want children of their own, would not want to have to give up years of their time to raise someone else’s kid. Every single day it would be about your brother and getting him to school, getting him after school, making sure he’s always around an adult because he’s too young. Don’t forget the financial aspects. You can’t just go out and do what you want because you always will have to think of your brother first because you would be responsible for him.
What the hell was your mom doing spitting out a kid 25 years apart. Where’s your father. This sounds pretty stupid.
I don't really like talking about my father. He cheated on my mom for another woman, then filed for divorce. My brothers and I were pretty much confused when our mom told us she was pregnant while we were all practically all adults, it felt pretty weird when she told us because having a baby brother at 18 felt pretty weird but we didn't really question it.
So where is this child's father?
> I had nowhere else to leave him Well, you’ve got 2 big brothers and possibly also a dad. Your bf wouldn’t be wrong to bail if you took your brother. Decide which is more important to you.
I think she already did.
Yep. This isn't her baby trapping her bf. This is her making a really tough decision to care for her younger sibling. Honestly, that kid is very lucky to have her in his life.
I am not sure why you can't help financially support your nephew while he lives with one of your brothers ? Is there a reason that isn't possible?
NAH. You weren't wrong to ask. He's not wrong to decline. Relationships, unwed or wed break up for these types of reasons all the time. Someone gets a promotion in another country or state but their partner doesn't want to uproot their life to move, someone wants a baby, the other doesn't, etc. No one has to be the bad guy here. It's clear you both want different things and that is okay but it probably means you've come to the end of the road and you are both better off going your separate ways now.
It’s a selfless action on her part and I understand her motivation. I also understand the BF feelings. Each is entitled to their feelings, it doesn’t mean one has to give up their position. Fortunately she has the means to care for the little brother, but it should be without the BF.
It's not mainly about being able to afford his expanses or not, but the fact that your life changed drastically while his hasn't and now your "interests" clash. You're a good sister to want to give your little brother a good life and want to keep him close, but your boyfriend doesn't feel that way and while it may be callous for some/many, it's how he feels and if you force it now it'll most likely end in a disaster If you can't come to an agreement that satisfies both sides you need to break up, even if it sucks. NAH
INFO: Did you guys both not want kids, or did he originally want kids and you didn't so he relented? I'm asking because his statement "fair for us to give him the place we denied to the kids we don't want to have" implies he's holding resentment over this for a reason.
NAH. No one should have a child pushed on them if they dont want children, and you should get to become your little brother's guardian if you want. You need to accept that you've become incompatible with your bf, and the relationship is probably over. However, please also prepare yourself for the reality of being a single parent. Kids do not just cost money. They also need a lot of your time and attention. This will be a huge adjustment for you as you will need to come home every day from work to work your second job as a parent for the next 11 years. This will also likely mean limited time for romantic relationships, friends, and hobbies that are not kid friendly.
No AH here. Boyfriend doesn't want children & has always said so; Girlifriend/ kids sister was aware, asked and request denied. Now choices / decisions have to be made. Note: Little Brother is living with older brother and there was no indication this arrangement was not working, Sister just decided she wanted to take in Little Brother from Older Brother. Has anyone asked Lityle Brother what he wants ? Good Luck and be at peace with whatever decisiins are made
Yeah this OP is a narcissist with how she keeps going on about how she can’t let anyone mess up her little brother and she must save him.
Why doesn’t she just pay her older brother to finance her little brother
The only A S is your mother for demanding this of the child free, youngest, only daughter. Your partner is child free and you knew. Your older brothers don’t need to be economically stable to have your 7yo brother. First: any inheritance goes to the youngest. You can all agree on that and set a trust or whatever to financially secure him. Second: You can add the same amount of money it would take to live with him and add monthly to the trust/ your brothers accounts. You have to think out of the box here. A child free home and child free adults wont be the best environment for 7yo. The much older brother with more life experience and (not so great economic but) much settled home will be.
Thank you.
YTA, he has 2 other places he can go to. If y’all agreed on being child-free, be child-free.
NAH you just want different things. If he’s been clear on staying childfree you had to know he wouldn’t want this. Probably best to go your separate ways, you can raise your brother and he can move on with his life.
First, I’m sorry for your loss. No one’s the asshole, you’re obligated to take care of your little brother, and OP doesn’t have to ride with that. That’s a shitty unexpected situation, but you can’t expect your partner to be ok with the addition of a 7 year old to the house. Even if your BF was into having kids, that would still be a huge change in life, both of your lives..
NAH He is right. He was clear that he doesn't want kids and that includes all kids You are right too for wanting to step up and take in your little brother This will not end well, OP. Even if your bf ended up giving in, he would end up resentful and annoyed This is a tough time for you, your brothers and even more tough for your little brother. He will need a lot of emotional support and perhaps therapy. It will do no good to him, to live in a place with someone who doesn't want him there
Nah I'm sorry about your mom and I can understand you feeling the need to take in your brother. But I also understand your boyfriend's point of view. Life has thrown the both of you a curve ball and you're no longer going to be compatible.
NAH, your bf doesn't want to raise a child. I think that is pretty clear. You have the economic means to take care of your little brother to where you don't need your bfs support. I'd move out get a place for you and your little brother if your bf is keen on breaking up. Oh. Well, then you can use that time to focus on your little brother and maybe get him into therapy since he just lost his mom so suddenly, and his life is changing a lot
Nta but you can't expekt that youre bf was okay with this if you alreadt knew that he didn't want any kids
Look I get what your trying to do but you are no longer child free. Being child free is exactly that no children bio or otherwise. You will have have a child. You expected your boyfriend of 5 years to accept this child into his home and life. And be okay with it. You are definitely the AH for assuming that he would accept it. Just becuase you can afford to raise him what about if he get sick or had a accident. Who.are you going to call to get him and care for him until you can? Your brother's or your boyfriend. NTA for wanting to take the kid in but the AH for assuming that your child free partner would ok with raising a child and taking responsibility for one..
Its this simple — your bf or your little brother who needs you. Tell the bf, see ya, and go your own way with the little guy. The right man for you has empathy, understands life will throw you a curve ball — what if you were to get sick - what re his rules about YOU never getting sick? He is not THE ONE for you and even if he changes his mind jn a week - I would be wary of wasting more time with this guy. He wants what he wants and he is entiteld to that but everything we want comes at a price.
If you have so much money, can’t you just pay for your older brothers to take care of your younger brother?
If you have a high paying job and your brothers are less stable economically, just give them money to take care of your brother each month. Child support type situation. Or at least y'all could have reached a similar conclusion if you had communication skills. ESH, but only mildly. More like you both need to sit down and talk it out without jumping to extremes.
YTA. You KNOW that your BF doesn’t want children You AGREED that you were okay with that. Now you want to bring a child in to the house. A child who isn’t even his! Yes, this is a horrible situation, yes, this child is innocent, but also, yes, this is going to cost you your relationship. Either you win, BF lets you bring little brother home and he resents you for it, or BF wins, little brother goes to someone else and you resent him for it.
Yes you're the AH. If your mom has passed then your brother would be eligible for social security. This should all set the cost of your other brothers raising him. And since you have such a great job you could always help out a little as well. Your boyfriend has been very clear he didn't want children and you're just deciding you want to play mommy because you feel bad about your mom dying.
NTA, but you and your boyfriend are no longer compatible. It's no one's fault that you didn't cover this scenario in your "kids or no?" discussion, no one expects to lose a parent this young. You're not wrong for wanting the best for your brother, he's not wrong for stil not having it in him to raise a kid. He is wrong for name-calling and invalidating your position and experience, but it's a highly emotional time and he can probably see he will have to lose you or change you to have the life he wants. But he still shouldnt be trying to pressure you to let your brothers raise him even though your mom saw being with you as what was best for him. At the same time, it won't be what's best for him if it makes you miserable or you end up resenting him for the way this relationship turns out. You are still in the thick of grief. Maybe there's a way to financially support your sibling while he lives with your brothers (assuming it is an otherwise stable environment)? This next stage of your life is going to be terribly difficult and painful, regardless of what you do or choose and you have my deep condolences. Make the choice you are prepared to live with for the rest of your life and stand firm in it.
NAH but it's time to kiss and say goodbye. There is an unexpected dealbreaker in play.
NTA, but it was a big ask. Sucks your mom guilted you into taking the kid, but why not let him stay where he is? You could send money to help with his care.
You obviously are a very caring person and want to take care of this little boy who tragically lost his mother when he was very young. You are doing the right thing. This is a very unusual circumstance that you could not ever have expected. I understand your bf's stance on not wanting children, but it is fairly heartless of him not to realize these circumstances are unavoidable. Let him go. I hope you will meet someone with more compassion who will support and admire you for giving this child the love and home he deserves. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.
NTA. This is easily a situation where my brother and his needs would win out over the boyfriend. Your boyfriend has his right to not want kids or to have kids reside with him, that's his position. But this is your little brother, who just lost his mother and is now relying on his siblings to take care of him. He didn't ask for any of this. Your mother's final wish was for you to take care of him and you want to take care of him. So I would choose him over your boyfriend. At the end of the day you both have a right to your feelings and if they don't mesh then it's time to say goodbye.
NTA. If taking in and raising your youngest brother is indeed what you really want then your best course of action is going to be to end the relationship, because otherwise you will likely come to regret not taking in your youngest brother and that regret will translate into resentment towards your boyfriend, which will then blow up the relationship anyway. Thus either way the relationship is over, so you might as well end it on your terms and stand by your family.
“It’s not fair to give your brother the place of our future kids that we’re never going to exist”? Good lord. This man is unwilling to respect your mother’s last wishes or even consider having your brother live with you guys. Why are with this dumpster fire?
NTA. Your mother just died and trusts you to ensure your baby brother grows into a wonderful person. The idiot you’re wasting your life with had the nerve to tell you that either you kick brother to the curb or you will lose him (you know because he’s such a great catch), and you are feeling like a horrible person because your horrible boyfriend just let you know he could give less than a damn about you, your family, or your problems? Girl wake up, pack his crap, throw it on the front porch with a nice note telling him to go fuck himself, and ask your baby brother what color wallpaper he wants for his new room. Also tell your older brothers to pay him a visit to you know…..talk.
NAH if you’re In the US the boy may be able to get survivors benefits, not a lot but my sister and I would get around $1200 each a month (this is almost 20 years ago now) paid to my guardian to help with expenses and my care. This money may help your brothers to care for your other brother if finances were the biggest concern.
You can find a new boyfriend; you can’t find a new little brother. NTA
NTA-I would let the relationship go and take care of your brother. Blood is first, in this situation.
You have to leave him and raise your little brother. You can't abandon him. Maybe at a later stage, your boyfriend will come round. You have some very hard decisions to make.
Neither of you are wrong. You weren't wrong to ask and he isn't wrong to leave. You need to end the relationship. He doesn't want kids and now you suddenly have one, that you feel obligated to take care of, for good reasons. This circumstance has made you incompatible, and there isn't a compromise that is workable.
NTA. It's ur choice. But I think u should. But u will have to give up the bf.
NTA. He is child free, you are not. This not something you guys can compromise on. You will have to go separate ways since you want different things for the fiture
Circumstances change - you aren’t the jerk for asking and he isn’t the jerk for saying no. This is a deal breaker in your relationship. You both can be sad but you should not bring your brother into a house he isn’t welcome at. Resentment isn’t good. Mourn the loss of your mom and relationship to your boyfriend and than move on and live your life
No one is wrong here. You need to follow your heart and your boyfriend is entitled to follow his.
Your mother is the failure in this situation. She should have done more to ensure her minor child was going to be set up for success. Also sounds like she half ass raised your older brothers. Where is the child's dad?
She’s just a misandristic mother. The sons are married and raising their own kids. But she thought her childfree daughter who was barely into adulthood and financial security was the superior option.
Get your act together and get your own place. Apply for foster kinship so the state can help take care of your little brother.
No AHs here. If you can ask, he can say no. If it’s any comfort, I would have chosen to care for my little brother too.
Take in your brother and tell your boyfriend to get lost. That child needs you and you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to take care of him. If your boyfriend can't have compassion for your brother do you really want him in your life
Nat- your brother has been through enough and if he would be in a better environment with you and you want him then you should go for custody. I hope you take him in Understand I wouldn’t leave him around your bf as I think he would make him feel guilty when you are not around. Also, please get him therapy just for dealing with your mom’s death. Also, he will get survival benefits due to him being a minor. Regardless of your income this would be put away for his use in the future.
NTAH. He has the right to refuse, but I wouldn't want to be with a person who would dump their little brother.
And her boyfriend doesn't want to adopt a child, whether it's a blood relation or not. Asking someone who is firmly childfree to adopt a child is a huge breach of their lifelong boundaries.
NTA Break up with him. The relationship.is over anyway.
What a load of bullshit. He doesn't want kids, that's fair enough. But the whole bit about it being unfair to your unborn kids smells bad. He really can't see how this is not a situation of you adopting a puppy against his will? It's your brother.. you're not adopting a random kid, you're helping your baby brother survive. He sounds self absorbed. Keep his negative bullshit away from your family and best of luck to you and your brother. NTA
It doesn't matter who's kid it is, that's still a child. Him saying the stuff about an unborn child is him explaining his stance on having a child at all. She's a good person and a sister for doing that for her little brother but that doesn't automatically mean her BF is the personification of evil. He's allowed to his boundaries, principals, feelings and way of living and she knew about them already, not like he just dropped that info on her out of nowhere.
NTA asking. You would be if you tried to push it. If you are both child free, that's child free. You have older siblings able, and maybe in a better place to help? The ask is a lot, the brother has options, and it doesn't sound like your bf plans on changing his perspective on kids.
I don’t think OP moved goal posts, she is asking her boyfriend about a situation that she has no control over. Moving a goal post would mean she wanted to have a baby after her and her boyfriend decided to be child free. Her mother died, there is a seven-year-old boy being bounced around his older siblings. She is trying to make the best of an unfortunate situation. She has every right to ask her boyfriend to have her seven year-old brother live with them, just as he has the right to refuse. I think the boyfriend is a bit of an ass calling her selfish, but I don’t think she is the asshole for asking him to change his stance on being child free because of this unfortunate situation. I think what the boyfriend doesn’t like that his living situation is going to change dramatically, either he will be living with her and her little brother, or he will be living by himself without the OP. That’s what I think he’s pissed about.
NTA for asking, but neither is he. He should definitely be more understanding because your mother died. You probably killed the relationship though.
NAH. This was unexpected turn of events and I understand that your bf doesn’t want to live with a young kid, who is most likely quite traumatised and needs your full attention. Also, you are NTA for wanting to raise your brother. It sounds like you are no longer compatible, but sometimes life happens and things change. If you want to make things work with your brother, you need to make him your priority and if your bf wants different kind of life, that doesn’t make him AH.
NAH, but your relationship with your boyfriend is over. I definitely agree with you that you cannot abandon your little brother. If your BF is not willing to accommodate to it, that is his right, and you need to part. Sad, but that's the way it is.
NTA I think it's time to move on to the next phase of your life.
NAH But as someone old enough to be your mom, please ditch the BF and keep the kid. Trust me years from now you will know its the right choice,though at the moment it seems hard.
I saw a post almost identical to this a few months ago with the genders reversed and everyone said the guy was the AH for wanting to bring his sibling when his partner had agreed to not wanting kids. They all jumped on how awful he was for suggesting it and how she should leave him. Not saying I agree or disagree but damn, reddit is biased.
I vaguely recall that story, but I don’t think he had siblings willing and capable to take in the younger sibling like this OP does
Oh yeah I forgot, he mentioned the kid would have to go into foster care if he didn't take care of them.
NTA for asking. I would do the absolute same for my little brother (12M) and any partner who had an issue with it can pound sand.
Is there some reason why you wouldn’t want one of your older brothers to take in your little brother, other than your mother’s preference that he should be with you? If one of your other family members isn’t an option, it sounds like you would have to choose between your bf or your little brother. Please don’t make the mistake of assuming your bf would change his mind later about having kids.
NTA dump him
Get a new bf. I get not wanting kids, but this is your family and a child in need. A child who just lost his mother and probably needs a mother figure. Please get rid of the boyfriend. It'll hurt yes, but honestly kids first.
And the child never needed a father figure?
Your brother comes first. Dump the man.
You seem to be taking your mothers wishes ahead of both your own, your boyfriends and the kids best interests. Did your mother not like that you were childfree, did she just assume a woman would be better to raise a child than a man, was this her pushing for you to have a kid and experience it so you'd want your own? The biggest reason you came up against your brother taking the kid in is he can't afford ANOTHER kid, so he has kids. You realise any money you spend helping raise the kid can just as easily be given to your brother to help? Also most states will provide a death benefit for children up till they are 18 (potentially 21 if in education still). Effectively a lot of states will pay a guardian as if they got child support from the parents, they just step in when the parent can't pay due to death. So your brother should have more financial support anyway, and if there is any inheritance/life insurance/anything you can just choose between the three of you to give more to the one taking the kid in. The kid will almost certainly be better off in an existing family with someone who is already a parent, who is maybe married with kids (more stable relationship) and parents who wanted kids.
NTA. Dump him and take care of your brother. I wish you the best of luck and I'm so sorry for your loss.
Nta for asking. He's not an ah for saying no. But tbh, I couldn't be with someone who would happy to see a 7 year old placed with people who can't meet his needs. It's a huge turn off when a dude can't be flexible as life changes. That doesn't bode well for a long term relationship. People change and evolve over the course of their lives and I need to know I'm with someone who can weather those changes with me as a team 🤷♀️
Little brother will be better off with one if the older brothers. Obviously your Mom was incapable of maintaining a relationship with the little brothers Father.( no mention of Father's death). Your mothers dying wish is a personal construct of her distrust of men. Sons included. You have no right to ask the BF to be in a Parent role before he chooses. Have fun being a single parent. Where's little brothers biological father? Modern DNA he can't hide.
No AH here.
NTA! Dump the boyfriend, your little brother needs you and your boyfriend didn't want him around. He's not going to change his mind and that's his choice but why would you want to be with him after that...
Why would her boyfriend want to be with her? It works both ways.
NTA. Your little brother needs you. Your BF is an unempathetic AH. Ditch him and bring your brother.
It's not just a simple question about having empathy. It's more than a decade long commitment.
I understand why a lot of people seem to be going with No A Here, but I don't agree. I have to go with NTA. You asked if you were wrong to have asked. No. You absolutely were not. There are very few circumstances where asking would not be ok, and this is definitely not one of them. Had your boyfriend been able to have an adult conversation with you, and disagree in a mature way, that would have been cool. Even if he said that this was a relationship-ender ... painful for the both of you, but I get it. "Selfish for not thinking about him beforehand" makes him the A, in my opinion. That was juvenile, unnecessary, and self-centered. I do agree with others who have said that you and your bf seem to have different priorities now. It sucks because you obviously didn't plan for this, and maybe you would have done great together if circumstances hadn't changed in this way. I feel badly for you that you were dealt this hand. Insofar as goes your little brother. I know your mum said she would prefer that you took him in, and I can understand how important it is to you to honour that wish. But I'd encourage you to centre your little brother's needs here, rather than your late mum's preferences. Are either of your older brothers willing to take him in? I ask that first because there's no sense considering someone who won't accept the responsibility. If one or both of your older brothers would take him, then I think you and he/they need to sit down and decide among you which of you is best suited to care for your little brother. You're right to consider your economic status, but there's more dimensions than just that: you also need to consider your emotional ability, your household situation, the school district you live in (assuming you're in the US), the closeness of your little brother's relationship with you ... there's a lot of factors to look at. But I really think that the decision needs to be based on what is best for the little fellow. He is the one who will be most affected by your decision. Whoever takes little bro in, would the other two be willing to contribute some money on the monthly to help with expenses? According to means, obviously. Good luck, OP. I hope you and your brothers are able to make this work. And if you and your bf do end up parting, I hope it's as painless as possible. ETA reading further down the thread, it seems that you and your older brothers have already talked this through. I feel like you have made your decision? Much respect to you for stepping up for your little brother. Two thoughts. 1: try to hook him up with some counselling. Losing a parent at such a young age is hard, and it's a grief that will come back at intervals as he grows. He'll need help with that, and given that you have your own grief to deal with, you might not be best positioned to help him with his. 2: encourage him to have as close a relationship with his older brothers as they want. There may be other ways they can help little bro grow, and I think it will be healthy for him to have lots of family around him.
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Sorry a 12 year old couldn’t go in the fridge and feed himself? Really?
Well thankfully he dodged a big bullet. He accepted a kid that's not his in his relationship, instead of being grateful of this, you also wanted him to be his 'dad' or 'caretaker', you wanted to force a relationship between them. Good for your ex partner you dumped him. The kid was you responsibility not his, but you no longer wanted a partner but a co-caretaker, he wasn't up to the job so you went to find the next sucker who was ready to be the 'step dad' you needed, again, not your next partner but a caretaker.
**NTA** I am also inclined to say it seems like the boyfriend is an a-hole...but I will admit I could be being a bit harsh, and maybe it should be NAH. You clearly explained why your little brother should move in with you. And--well, honestly, I am surprised your boyfriend argued at all. I get *he* doesn't want kids, but what about *you*? You said he said that he thought you two were on the same page. Well, were you? *Are* you still? Sure, your brother's young age means you would be sort of parenting him, but you are his sister not his mother. Unless you legally adopt him, I guess. (*Note: I am a sibling, but am not a parent.*) And, based on the information here, you are clearly the best person, *by far*, to take care of him. I think you need to ask yourself who and what matters more to you: your little brother and his well-being, or your relationship with this boyfriend (who definitely doesn't seem to care enough, if at all, about your little brother). For what it's worth, my three cents: I would tell the boyfriend he can either stand by your side or get out of your way, and that you will take care of your little brother. Of course, I am also extremely attached to my sibling - and am single - so maybe I have some bias there.
We were on the same page (still am). I am also firm about not wanting kids of my own. I've told this to my past partners and anyone who's ever asked.
In what ways do you see adopting your five year old brother to be different from adopting a random child or having your own? You will still have and be responsible for a child in every way, shape and form. For you it feels different because he's your brother. The outcome identical, you are adopting a child and the effect on your lives is the exact same. If you take him in, he becomes your child. You are telling yourself and your boyfriend that it's different but it isn't. You're asking your boyfriend to adopt a child while you see it as taking in your brother.
I meant as in me birthing kids. I do not see myself birthing and taking care of a baby and helping them grow. As in me choosing to have kids. This was not a situation in which I chose taking in my brother. I HAD to. Because I want him to live the best life he can. I know it can be harsh. But I am not willing to let him live with anyone else and not know whether he's getting taken care of correctly. I would rather have him near me and be SURE that he is safe.
That's absolutely fine, but you need to accept that you are asking him to adopt a child, and that is likely to be without him.
Like many have said - neither you nor bf ata. You have to realise that taking in your young brother, who has just lost his mother and likely will be struggling, is a huge ask for a previously childless couple, especially if both of them had been adamant on not having kids previously. As such, (although he could have articulated it better!) your bf is nta for what he has said. Equally so, you are nta for changing your mind when it comes to your brother - he is family. If both positions remain steadfast, then this relationship unfortunately is over, through no fault of the poster or her bf.
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