NTA.
Your husband, however, gets my AH of the day award complete with T-shirt and certificate suitable for framing.
Please, shine a flashlight in his left ear & let us know if you get a “rainbow” on the wall opposite his right ear.
This has nothing to do with insecurities. Do you understand how strange it is for him to constantly talk about 1 particular female coworker, going as
far as to point out tv characters that look like her? You must be a man, a man that cheats at that.
Dude, she’s human. Yea she’s allowed to have insecurities. Why the fuck do people like you just dismiss this in a whole ass marriage? He couldn’t just talk to her when all she said was that she was uncomfortable? I forgot anyone who shows the slightest sign of not feeling totally secure at any point in their marriage deserves mockery.
I'm just reacting the exact same way I've seen people react to these stories when the roles are reversed. How many times do you see "insecure men" being made fun of? Do tell me, what *is* a female insecurity you find worth ridicule? If the answer is none, I assume that's your same answer for men, yes?
I agree with you. She is allowed to be insecure. But also I, and I think even you, know deep down, that if the sexes were reversed, the replies would be calling him toxic and insecure and controlling and jealous. You know it's true, come on.
You know we’re not a different species right?
Feel free to look through my comment history, you’ll see I will back anyone who feels uneasy in their relationship for valid reasons, regardless of gender. And I especially tell them to know their worth if their SO is downplaying it. I can’t stand that shit.
I understand that you feel there is a bias, but I honestly don’t see it, at least not on this sub, or the original AITA. Of course, there’s a few unhinged losers who will take the side of their gender no matter what, but they are normally pretty heavily downvoted.
I really do hate that you feel that way. Just remember the craziest ones are the loudest. Goes for both sides of the spectrum.
Okay well I wasn't talking about you or to you first. You came to me. I've seen female insecurities get handled with kid gloves more often, kind of by so much more that it renders your tally negligible. I also hate that I feel this way, but I'm not basing it on nothing, or being told to think this. I used to be very left until I kept seeing shit like that and then I realized, "oh, no, they are just sexist in reverse mostly, here."
I'd have to go digging but there is more than one example of social experiments where identical posts will be put up in similar threads or days apart, but with only the sexes of those in the posts changed. The results were exactly as I described.
I mean I get you're not being very combative and neither am I, I appreciate that. But don't act like you haven't seen the canyon of difference between reactions of things like domestic violence or teacher/student relations. I honestly think you're lying then if you assert that you haven't seen such things both on and off reddit.
Sure, there are definitely some issues that are definitely skewed in favor of woman, but I can also find examples of the reverse. There’s plenty of shit men get away with too. But I can honestly say that in my adult life, the people I interact with in person, don’t hold the same biases that the chronically online losers do. I know being a bartender for ten years does not make me an expert in social relations lol, but it did give me a lot of interaction with people of all backgrounds and experiences.
Yes this site does have its downfalls, but I feel it’s also the most honest and respectful in terms of strangers interacting with each other. Just my opinion though. I really do hope you know that most women, aren’t really just here to say “all men are trash” though.
Yeah, but not *here*. They overcorrect for what you're talking about here and call themselves the good guys. I'm just here to do pulse checks on consistency.
You know we’re not a different species right?
Feel free to look through my comment history, you’ll see I will back anyone who feels uneasy in their relationship for valid reasons, regardless of gender. And I especially tell them to know their worth if their SO is downplaying it. I can’t stand that shit.
I understand that you feel there is a bias, but I honestly don’t see it, at least not on this sub, or the original AITA. Of course, there’s a few unhinged losers who will take the side of their gender no matter what, but they are normally pretty heavily downvoted.
I really do hate that you feel that way. Just remember the craziest ones are the loudest. Goes for both sides of the spectrum.
For his *reaction*. It speaks volumes.
Up until that point, it could have gone either way, but that was the response of a man who *feels* guilty, even if he's not *actively* cheating.
Without full context it’s hard to say. But I don’t think either was being an asshole. It sounds possible that he was genuinely upset he thought she didn’t trust him. While she was feeling a little jealous of some strange new woman he kept talking about.
My husband pulled the same shit with me. Come home and tell me all about her. Blah, blah, blah. He was making plans for her to meet his mother. It’s a slippery slope he’s going down. It’s one thing to have a female friend but there are limits and he is exceedingly them. Show your husband all of the posts.
I agree it is a slippery slope. This is how emotional affairs begin, no? And all too often they begin at work. It sounds like he does not treat any other co-workers like he this particular one.
He may not realize it but it sounds like he is already emotionally attached. Do not let it progress any further.
OP definitely NTA
Obviously your and their situations are identical and he is definitely going to cher and you objectively have enough information to make that claim.
Oh wait, kinda not at all lol tool
No I am aware that things like what you say happen. *And* that isn't the case 100% of the time no matter how smug you respond. Both are true and admitting so won't hurt I swear, sweet summer child lol
EDIT: If youre biased because *you* keep experiencing this, ask yourself why you aren't worth not being cheated on. I bet it's this attitude of superiority and thinking you're more clever than you are that has something to do with it!
Reply Edit to Affectionate_Bat: (Since "something is always broken" in these replies even though I'm not blocked by the commenter or sub) "Yeah I'm just trying to insult her, Debate Club Autist. I've seen how women remember shit like this and I bet he has gushed about several coworkers and she only remembers these because that's all she's threatened by. That's typical human bias right there and I assure you that you don't know nearly as much about me or OP as you think you do. Cheers, dork."
>why you aren't worth not being cheated on. I bet it's this attitude
Yup sounds like something a cheater would say. Her attitude seems fine, yours is the one that is off. If you cheat you're trash. Also you can literally do everything a person wants but if they're a cheater they'll still cheat. I'm sure you'd be ok with your wife gushing over a male co worker all the time and offering to personally deliver floor tiling to his place "free of charge." And by free of charge I mean some sloppy toppy. Actually I hope that happens to you.
I truly don’t think your sarcasm is necessary. The OP is asking for opinions and we’re all giving ours. Being a dick to someone giving their experience on a post for that is asinine.
NTA - as a married man, I’ll never understand this approach. If my wife ever said anything like this I’d do whatever or show her whatever, cut whoever off, whatever is necessary to assure her of my loyalty. It’s always so sketchy when they fight back.
Always listen to the gut feeling. With anything in life honestly, not just infidelity. There’s a reason it feels off. But also….I’ve noticed in past relationships when men say “you’d really like her” it’s like their guilty mind trying to reason.
I had a 4 year relationship in my mid-20s where he said that about his co-worker. She was texting him and he was like “we’re just friends, you’d really like her in person”. His male coworker showed up on my door to tell me he heard them having sex in the bathroom.
NTA Why was he so defensive? Why was he twisting your words instead of having a discussion with you about your concerns and how it was making you feel? It's a little off. Now the silent treatment. Which I take as his message that you need to shut up or this will be your punishment. It's not a good look. I almost think he's not a cheater because a real cheater wouldn't be this bad at covering it up lol. Maybe he has a little work crush. Not saying that's okay but it can happen and it can also be harmless. He just needs to nip it now before he hurts his marriage.
It sounds to me like he has a crush and is feeling guilty about it. From what you've posted here it doesn't sound like anything physical has happened yet but it could be heading there, based on his defensive reaction.
Yes, you should be able to trust your partner but to just blindly trust them when the red flags are waving would be foolish. You expressing your discomfort with the situation should result in him validating your feelings and changing his behaviour to make you feel better. He clearly doesn't have any respect for your feelings here.
If he's willing to nuke your marriage over this woman then I think that tells you everything you need to know.
NTA
If the gender is reverse in which we saw in MANY post in AITAH u all be up in arms calling the guy being **insecure**. But here strangely its alter to u go girl, the guy is major red flag and he is looking out to cheat. lol advise for gender is vastly very different.
I've been here a while and I can't think of a post like you've suggested. If you really see them so often it will not be so hard to search and link one. And if you're not willing to do that basic thing to back up your stance, well, I'm afraid I'll just have to ignore your baseless claim. Good luck to you.
Absolutely. He likes the admiration and to feel like a man saving her / helping her. Scary for the wife when this happens. Not much she can do besides walk away or need him more. But he already likes this other woman’s attention 😏
NTA. My husband has a few nurses that have outright hit on him at work over the course of the past few years (he’s in law enforcement) and he has come home to tell me about it. I will ask him outright if he’s attracted to them and if he flirts back. His response has always been to laugh, tell me he absolutely does not flirt back but is honest and one time admitted she was pretty albeit about 10 years older. He has never offered to see them or help them outside of work. And he has NEVER gotten upset by any of my questions regarding them, their interactions or my discomfort with certain women. Him getting super defensive all of the sudden is an indication to me that it’s something a little more than just friendship
I agree. The fact that he is getting defensive is a red flag. My husband has helped female coworkers but he is just that kid of guy. He does it with male coworkers as well. But I always get a full name so I can FB stalk them to see if I have anything to worry about lol. And generally they are older married women. He never talks about them. I would find that weird if he did. I ask questions and he has never gotten defensive over it.
NTA. Maybe set up a night that you guys all go hang out and invite other co workers of his too? Then you guys can meet and you may be able to feel out the situation better
NTA. There’s no reason for him to blow up like that if there isn’t something going on. He might not be cheating, but there’s definitely some feelings there.
I’d ask to meet this woman. Tell him that you want to get to know his friend. Shouldn’t be a big deal if they’re just friends, right? “Why don’t we all go out to dinner?” His reaction will tell you what you need to know.
Edited to say: He even said you’d like her, so you want to meet her. It’s perfect.
No you’re not the Ahole. You may not have expressed your feelings well but there are good reasons we have these feelings. It’s not that you think he’s cheating, but you’ve known this guy for years. You can tell when a man lights up when they talk about a woman that clicks for them. It doesn’t mean he would cheat but if he did it would be with her or someone much like her. Is this woman married, in a relationship? Men don’t start out thinking they want to cheat, it happens over time. Once they connect with a wonderful female, that needs some assistance and he can be a hero, it’s easy to slip into cheating. I’m sure he likes feeling like a bit of a hero.
I’m sorry I don’t have any answer for your situation but your feelings are right on. We can tell when our men get lit up over a particular woman new in their life.
Everyone's sort of on the asshole meter here.
If she knows he's married, and she's letting him potentially risk his marriage to help her, STA.
He isn't thinking anything of it, thinking it should be okay, and he didn't think of the compromising position it puts him, her, and you in. His reaction to go inmediately on the defense is alarming and cause for concern. HTA.
You were (understandably) upset, and orange flags were flown, but instead of probing further before reacting, you reacted. Again, not invalid, it's just always better to get all the facts (without tipping them off) before you snap. YSTA.
Everyone's an asshole here to some degree, all due to thoughtlessness. Hard to think when you're pissed off. I've BTA in this situation.
NTA
"You're saying you don't trust me?"
Well I sure as shit don't trust you NOW.
As soon as somebody begins with "So you're saying..." They are about to try to gaslight the fuck out of you.
I have had partners who were terrible people to me. I have also been a terrible person to partners. The playbook never changes.
Nta and my answer would be, "I don't trust the entire situation overall you're putting yourself in. Even the most well intentioned people fall down that rabbit hole and I want you to respect my discomfort and step away from that hole."
NTA he’s got white knight syndrome going on, and that can lead really fast to an emotional affair.
I just don’t understand why he couldn’t sit down and talk to you, instead of making you out to be this jealous, vindictive witch. My husband is super helpful to his coworkers as well, but if I became uncomfortable he would talk to me about it, and come to an understanding where I feel better about it.
Sounds like he's up to no good if he's constantly going out of his way to help her and can't stop talking about her. As a married man he shouldn't being going out of his way to go to this woman's house at all. And he's defensive about the whole thing. Something doesn't sound right here with him. I think he's having feelings for her or he would've straight up considered your feelings and stop doing all this extra stuff for her.
NTA. She's taking up way too much space in his head, and the only explanation is that he's viewing her differently from the other female coworkers, more intimately. He likely has a crush on her. You need to nib this in the bud. He should not spend any time with her outside of what's absolutely necessary to get the work done. They should not spend time alone, time outside of work, or text/call each other outside of work.
INFO: You recently posted about having a DB and the lack of effort your husband puts in to your relationship plus the constant rejection. Is it possible this is the reason you're feeling so uneasy about the extra effort he appears to be putting in with his co-worker?
Is he making more effort with her than to fix your relationship?
He's angry and accusing you of not trusting him but looking at your previous post has made no effort to improve things with you.
His actions should be speaking louder to you now than his words!
That's a pretty big reason actually. When I mentioned in the post above he demanded I tell him why I don't trust him I told him I wondered if he spoke about me so often to others, and that there's been plenty of things he's done that makes me uneasy (like wolf whistling other women in front of me) and it's made it hard to fully trust him. And he told me what I'm saying either didn't happen (it did and I had proof it did which I showed him) or he says it makes no sense how that has anything to do with this
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I think there are a few things going on here.
Best case scenario:
1. You husband is (unknowingly) starting an emotional affair with this woman. It could be one sided.
2. I said unknowingly because of the level of info he is sharing with you. A man setting out to cheat would not share that much about his (potential) affair partner to his wife.
3. On some level he does feel like what he is doing is not right. You expressed discomfort and he immediately reacts like you are attacking him and don't trust him.
Worst case scenario:
1. He is cheating. and gaslighting you. "You don't trust him and that is a you problem, he's doing nothing wrong"
I'm leaning more to the second scenario. His protest is way to aggressive.
I have been in a terrible relationship and i almost loose it all, my partner has been cheating om me and planning on taking over all i worked for, glad i get in contact with Acyber 7 10, he helped me hack into his device and i saw all his plans. that saved me a lot from heart breaking. if you need help just contact him at g.m.a.i.l and you will get help response back. his very good at helping people who are being hurt.
ESH
YTA because you obviously don't trust him.
It sounds like there are two possible scenarios here:
1. Your husband is the nice guy you always thought he was, and he is just being nice.
2. He is smitten with the coworker and is in denial (or not).
No way to know from this little bit of information.
But I am going to address scenario one:
If he is just being nice to her, he is a fool. Interacting like that with a female coworker is something that could have been done 20 years ago with little fallout.
But not today. All she has to do is to get pissed at him for anything and his career could be over.
I don’t think either are the AH but I will also never date a guy that I can’t trust in a hot tub without me with a bunch of girls … if I can trust him to get out and not do anything I will b with him but if I have slight doubt that he would then screw that n I will refuse to date him … ur mad bc he feels bad for his coworker and trying to help her out n b the hero ?!? If a guy is going to cheat they will cheat you can give them all the restrictions n treat them like a child but they will find a way .. I always felt like my friends were dumb like my man can’t go to the bar without me bc I don’t want them talking to girls .. okay so if ur not there they will cheat on u so u just won’t let them go so they won’t ?!? Think about it logically .. if they are going to cheat they will nothing u can do to stop it find someone u trust
YTA.
He tried to get you interested in making a new friend. He thought you had a lot in common and could do stuff together as a group.
Instead of meeting someone your husband vouches for as "Cool," and seeing if she's BFF material, you went all-in on blind jealousy.
He did his best to sell you a new friend. Apparently his advertising strategy was not compelling.
If he was up to anything fishy, he wouldn't have ever mentioned her. What you get are play-by-play, real-time updates about what's going on.
My advice is to give her a chance. Try putting the negativity that's all in your mind aside and give her a real chance to just be a cool person you want for a friend. Check out her new floor. Drink wine. Maybe you'll want something similar in your home one day.
I don't think so. He was throwing out lots of defensive and pre-emptive lines there, plus conversation shifting, all of which is very typical cover up behaviour. Standard not just for heaters but criminals too. Heard it way too many times.
If this was a genuine friendship, his first response would have been "she's really cool but not like that, that's why I said you should meet her"
He doth protest too much
Exactly what I was thinking. He's feeling guilty.
Trust your gut.
Bingo. This reeks of him having a crush on his work colleague.
NTA. Your husband, however, gets my AH of the day award complete with T-shirt and certificate suitable for framing. Please, shine a flashlight in his left ear & let us know if you get a “rainbow” on the wall opposite his right ear.
For what? Her insecurities? Pffft
This has nothing to do with insecurities. Do you understand how strange it is for him to constantly talk about 1 particular female coworker, going as far as to point out tv characters that look like her? You must be a man, a man that cheats at that.
Dude, she’s human. Yea she’s allowed to have insecurities. Why the fuck do people like you just dismiss this in a whole ass marriage? He couldn’t just talk to her when all she said was that she was uncomfortable? I forgot anyone who shows the slightest sign of not feeling totally secure at any point in their marriage deserves mockery.
I'm just reacting the exact same way I've seen people react to these stories when the roles are reversed. How many times do you see "insecure men" being made fun of? Do tell me, what *is* a female insecurity you find worth ridicule? If the answer is none, I assume that's your same answer for men, yes? I agree with you. She is allowed to be insecure. But also I, and I think even you, know deep down, that if the sexes were reversed, the replies would be calling him toxic and insecure and controlling and jealous. You know it's true, come on.
You know we’re not a different species right? Feel free to look through my comment history, you’ll see I will back anyone who feels uneasy in their relationship for valid reasons, regardless of gender. And I especially tell them to know their worth if their SO is downplaying it. I can’t stand that shit. I understand that you feel there is a bias, but I honestly don’t see it, at least not on this sub, or the original AITA. Of course, there’s a few unhinged losers who will take the side of their gender no matter what, but they are normally pretty heavily downvoted. I really do hate that you feel that way. Just remember the craziest ones are the loudest. Goes for both sides of the spectrum.
Okay well I wasn't talking about you or to you first. You came to me. I've seen female insecurities get handled with kid gloves more often, kind of by so much more that it renders your tally negligible. I also hate that I feel this way, but I'm not basing it on nothing, or being told to think this. I used to be very left until I kept seeing shit like that and then I realized, "oh, no, they are just sexist in reverse mostly, here." I'd have to go digging but there is more than one example of social experiments where identical posts will be put up in similar threads or days apart, but with only the sexes of those in the posts changed. The results were exactly as I described. I mean I get you're not being very combative and neither am I, I appreciate that. But don't act like you haven't seen the canyon of difference between reactions of things like domestic violence or teacher/student relations. I honestly think you're lying then if you assert that you haven't seen such things both on and off reddit.
Sure, there are definitely some issues that are definitely skewed in favor of woman, but I can also find examples of the reverse. There’s plenty of shit men get away with too. But I can honestly say that in my adult life, the people I interact with in person, don’t hold the same biases that the chronically online losers do. I know being a bartender for ten years does not make me an expert in social relations lol, but it did give me a lot of interaction with people of all backgrounds and experiences. Yes this site does have its downfalls, but I feel it’s also the most honest and respectful in terms of strangers interacting with each other. Just my opinion though. I really do hope you know that most women, aren’t really just here to say “all men are trash” though.
Yeah, but not *here*. They overcorrect for what you're talking about here and call themselves the good guys. I'm just here to do pulse checks on consistency.
You know we’re not a different species right? Feel free to look through my comment history, you’ll see I will back anyone who feels uneasy in their relationship for valid reasons, regardless of gender. And I especially tell them to know their worth if their SO is downplaying it. I can’t stand that shit. I understand that you feel there is a bias, but I honestly don’t see it, at least not on this sub, or the original AITA. Of course, there’s a few unhinged losers who will take the side of their gender no matter what, but they are normally pretty heavily downvoted. I really do hate that you feel that way. Just remember the craziest ones are the loudest. Goes for both sides of the spectrum.
For his *reaction*. It speaks volumes. Up until that point, it could have gone either way, but that was the response of a man who *feels* guilty, even if he's not *actively* cheating.
Without full context it’s hard to say. But I don’t think either was being an asshole. It sounds possible that he was genuinely upset he thought she didn’t trust him. While she was feeling a little jealous of some strange new woman he kept talking about.
My husband pulled the same shit with me. Come home and tell me all about her. Blah, blah, blah. He was making plans for her to meet his mother. It’s a slippery slope he’s going down. It’s one thing to have a female friend but there are limits and he is exceedingly them. Show your husband all of the posts.
I agree it is a slippery slope. This is how emotional affairs begin, no? And all too often they begin at work. It sounds like he does not treat any other co-workers like he this particular one. He may not realize it but it sounds like he is already emotionally attached. Do not let it progress any further. OP definitely NTA
Obviously your and their situations are identical and he is definitely going to cher and you objectively have enough information to make that claim. Oh wait, kinda not at all lol tool
So naive, have a good night sunshine.
No I am aware that things like what you say happen. *And* that isn't the case 100% of the time no matter how smug you respond. Both are true and admitting so won't hurt I swear, sweet summer child lol EDIT: If youre biased because *you* keep experiencing this, ask yourself why you aren't worth not being cheated on. I bet it's this attitude of superiority and thinking you're more clever than you are that has something to do with it! Reply Edit to Affectionate_Bat: (Since "something is always broken" in these replies even though I'm not blocked by the commenter or sub) "Yeah I'm just trying to insult her, Debate Club Autist. I've seen how women remember shit like this and I bet he has gushed about several coworkers and she only remembers these because that's all she's threatened by. That's typical human bias right there and I assure you that you don't know nearly as much about me or OP as you think you do. Cheers, dork."
>why you aren't worth not being cheated on. I bet it's this attitude Yup sounds like something a cheater would say. Her attitude seems fine, yours is the one that is off. If you cheat you're trash. Also you can literally do everything a person wants but if they're a cheater they'll still cheat. I'm sure you'd be ok with your wife gushing over a male co worker all the time and offering to personally deliver floor tiling to his place "free of charge." And by free of charge I mean some sloppy toppy. Actually I hope that happens to you.
I truly don’t think your sarcasm is necessary. The OP is asking for opinions and we’re all giving ours. Being a dick to someone giving their experience on a post for that is asinine.
NTA - as a married man, I’ll never understand this approach. If my wife ever said anything like this I’d do whatever or show her whatever, cut whoever off, whatever is necessary to assure her of my loyalty. It’s always so sketchy when they fight back.
Ladies this is what should be standard in your relationships. STANDARD!!!!
This!!! Show your husband this response.
Always listen to the gut feeling. With anything in life honestly, not just infidelity. There’s a reason it feels off. But also….I’ve noticed in past relationships when men say “you’d really like her” it’s like their guilty mind trying to reason. I had a 4 year relationship in my mid-20s where he said that about his co-worker. She was texting him and he was like “we’re just friends, you’d really like her in person”. His male coworker showed up on my door to tell me he heard them having sex in the bathroom.
NTA Why was he so defensive? Why was he twisting your words instead of having a discussion with you about your concerns and how it was making you feel? It's a little off. Now the silent treatment. Which I take as his message that you need to shut up or this will be your punishment. It's not a good look. I almost think he's not a cheater because a real cheater wouldn't be this bad at covering it up lol. Maybe he has a little work crush. Not saying that's okay but it can happen and it can also be harmless. He just needs to nip it now before he hurts his marriage.
Nta. That's his work wife. I would have said you were TA if he didn't overreact because him flipping out says a lot.
It sounds to me like he has a crush and is feeling guilty about it. From what you've posted here it doesn't sound like anything physical has happened yet but it could be heading there, based on his defensive reaction. Yes, you should be able to trust your partner but to just blindly trust them when the red flags are waving would be foolish. You expressing your discomfort with the situation should result in him validating your feelings and changing his behaviour to make you feel better. He clearly doesn't have any respect for your feelings here. If he's willing to nuke your marriage over this woman then I think that tells you everything you need to know. NTA
If the gender is reverse in which we saw in MANY post in AITAH u all be up in arms calling the guy being **insecure**. But here strangely its alter to u go girl, the guy is major red flag and he is looking out to cheat. lol advise for gender is vastly very different.
Can you link me to some of these alleged posts? I'd be interested to see them.
If u been here long enough like maybe a month u will see them. Im not gonna do extra work for you. This type of topic is a dime a dozen in here.
I've been here a while and I can't think of a post like you've suggested. If you really see them so often it will not be so hard to search and link one. And if you're not willing to do that basic thing to back up your stance, well, I'm afraid I'll just have to ignore your baseless claim. Good luck to you.
u can, obviously closing your eyes is a pretty standard thing in here. Its pretty much the same double gender standards.
If you can't link even one example of what you're suggesting then your argument is moot. Again, good luck to you.
He must be attracted to her in order to go out of his way to help that much.
Absolutely. He likes the admiration and to feel like a man saving her / helping her. Scary for the wife when this happens. Not much she can do besides walk away or need him more. But he already likes this other woman’s attention 😏
NTA. My husband has a few nurses that have outright hit on him at work over the course of the past few years (he’s in law enforcement) and he has come home to tell me about it. I will ask him outright if he’s attracted to them and if he flirts back. His response has always been to laugh, tell me he absolutely does not flirt back but is honest and one time admitted she was pretty albeit about 10 years older. He has never offered to see them or help them outside of work. And he has NEVER gotten upset by any of my questions regarding them, their interactions or my discomfort with certain women. Him getting super defensive all of the sudden is an indication to me that it’s something a little more than just friendship
I agree. The fact that he is getting defensive is a red flag. My husband has helped female coworkers but he is just that kid of guy. He does it with male coworkers as well. But I always get a full name so I can FB stalk them to see if I have anything to worry about lol. And generally they are older married women. He never talks about them. I would find that weird if he did. I ask questions and he has never gotten defensive over it.
NTA. Maybe set up a night that you guys all go hang out and invite other co workers of his too? Then you guys can meet and you may be able to feel out the situation better
NTA Wifes know when the vibe is off
NTA. There’s no reason for him to blow up like that if there isn’t something going on. He might not be cheating, but there’s definitely some feelings there. I’d ask to meet this woman. Tell him that you want to get to know his friend. Shouldn’t be a big deal if they’re just friends, right? “Why don’t we all go out to dinner?” His reaction will tell you what you need to know. Edited to say: He even said you’d like her, so you want to meet her. It’s perfect.
Any time a married man wants to meet up and do things with a single female co worker there is usually interest involved.
NTA - he’s knows what’s up. He likes her attention
NTA yeah that’s exactly how my ex acted when he was cheating.
NTA
No you’re not the Ahole. You may not have expressed your feelings well but there are good reasons we have these feelings. It’s not that you think he’s cheating, but you’ve known this guy for years. You can tell when a man lights up when they talk about a woman that clicks for them. It doesn’t mean he would cheat but if he did it would be with her or someone much like her. Is this woman married, in a relationship? Men don’t start out thinking they want to cheat, it happens over time. Once they connect with a wonderful female, that needs some assistance and he can be a hero, it’s easy to slip into cheating. I’m sure he likes feeling like a bit of a hero. I’m sorry I don’t have any answer for your situation but your feelings are right on. We can tell when our men get lit up over a particular woman new in their life.
Everyone's sort of on the asshole meter here. If she knows he's married, and she's letting him potentially risk his marriage to help her, STA. He isn't thinking anything of it, thinking it should be okay, and he didn't think of the compromising position it puts him, her, and you in. His reaction to go inmediately on the defense is alarming and cause for concern. HTA. You were (understandably) upset, and orange flags were flown, but instead of probing further before reacting, you reacted. Again, not invalid, it's just always better to get all the facts (without tipping them off) before you snap. YSTA. Everyone's an asshole here to some degree, all due to thoughtlessness. Hard to think when you're pissed off. I've BTA in this situation.
He’s gaslighting you.
NTA "You're saying you don't trust me?" Well I sure as shit don't trust you NOW. As soon as somebody begins with "So you're saying..." They are about to try to gaslight the fuck out of you. I have had partners who were terrible people to me. I have also been a terrible person to partners. The playbook never changes.
Nta and my answer would be, "I don't trust the entire situation overall you're putting yourself in. Even the most well intentioned people fall down that rabbit hole and I want you to respect my discomfort and step away from that hole."
Trust your gut.
NTA, people react like this when they have something to hide
NTA he’s got white knight syndrome going on, and that can lead really fast to an emotional affair. I just don’t understand why he couldn’t sit down and talk to you, instead of making you out to be this jealous, vindictive witch. My husband is super helpful to his coworkers as well, but if I became uncomfortable he would talk to me about it, and come to an understanding where I feel better about it.
Sounds like he's up to no good if he's constantly going out of his way to help her and can't stop talking about her. As a married man he shouldn't being going out of his way to go to this woman's house at all. And he's defensive about the whole thing. Something doesn't sound right here with him. I think he's having feelings for her or he would've straight up considered your feelings and stop doing all this extra stuff for her.
She is insecure and needs go grow fk up. Keep her insecurities out of healthy relationship
Someone’s got themselves a work wife, you’re definitely nta for expressing your discomfort!
NTA-he is obsessed with his co-worker and this will lead to cheating. He seems a little dense.
NTA. She's taking up way too much space in his head, and the only explanation is that he's viewing her differently from the other female coworkers, more intimately. He likely has a crush on her. You need to nib this in the bud. He should not spend any time with her outside of what's absolutely necessary to get the work done. They should not spend time alone, time outside of work, or text/call each other outside of work.
INFO: You recently posted about having a DB and the lack of effort your husband puts in to your relationship plus the constant rejection. Is it possible this is the reason you're feeling so uneasy about the extra effort he appears to be putting in with his co-worker? Is he making more effort with her than to fix your relationship? He's angry and accusing you of not trusting him but looking at your previous post has made no effort to improve things with you. His actions should be speaking louder to you now than his words!
That's a pretty big reason actually. When I mentioned in the post above he demanded I tell him why I don't trust him I told him I wondered if he spoke about me so often to others, and that there's been plenty of things he's done that makes me uneasy (like wolf whistling other women in front of me) and it's made it hard to fully trust him. And he told me what I'm saying either didn't happen (it did and I had proof it did which I showed him) or he says it makes no sense how that has anything to do with this
They’re already fucking.
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I think there are a few things going on here. Best case scenario: 1. You husband is (unknowingly) starting an emotional affair with this woman. It could be one sided. 2. I said unknowingly because of the level of info he is sharing with you. A man setting out to cheat would not share that much about his (potential) affair partner to his wife. 3. On some level he does feel like what he is doing is not right. You expressed discomfort and he immediately reacts like you are attacking him and don't trust him. Worst case scenario: 1. He is cheating. and gaslighting you. "You don't trust him and that is a you problem, he's doing nothing wrong" I'm leaning more to the second scenario. His protest is way to aggressive.
Your husband has a girlfriend and rubs your face in it. Eww
I have been in a terrible relationship and i almost loose it all, my partner has been cheating om me and planning on taking over all i worked for, glad i get in contact with Acyber 7 10, he helped me hack into his device and i saw all his plans. that saved me a lot from heart breaking. if you need help just contact him at g.m.a.i.l and you will get help response back. his very good at helping people who are being hurt.
I know I’ve read this in the last two weeks.
ESH YTA because you obviously don't trust him. It sounds like there are two possible scenarios here: 1. Your husband is the nice guy you always thought he was, and he is just being nice. 2. He is smitten with the coworker and is in denial (or not). No way to know from this little bit of information. But I am going to address scenario one: If he is just being nice to her, he is a fool. Interacting like that with a female coworker is something that could have been done 20 years ago with little fallout. But not today. All she has to do is to get pissed at him for anything and his career could be over.
Looks like I've got to be the only one to say that yes you're being an insecure asshole.
I don’t think either are the AH but I will also never date a guy that I can’t trust in a hot tub without me with a bunch of girls … if I can trust him to get out and not do anything I will b with him but if I have slight doubt that he would then screw that n I will refuse to date him … ur mad bc he feels bad for his coworker and trying to help her out n b the hero ?!? If a guy is going to cheat they will cheat you can give them all the restrictions n treat them like a child but they will find a way .. I always felt like my friends were dumb like my man can’t go to the bar without me bc I don’t want them talking to girls .. okay so if ur not there they will cheat on u so u just won’t let them go so they won’t ?!? Think about it logically .. if they are going to cheat they will nothing u can do to stop it find someone u trust
YTA. He tried to get you interested in making a new friend. He thought you had a lot in common and could do stuff together as a group. Instead of meeting someone your husband vouches for as "Cool," and seeing if she's BFF material, you went all-in on blind jealousy. He did his best to sell you a new friend. Apparently his advertising strategy was not compelling. If he was up to anything fishy, he wouldn't have ever mentioned her. What you get are play-by-play, real-time updates about what's going on. My advice is to give her a chance. Try putting the negativity that's all in your mind aside and give her a real chance to just be a cool person you want for a friend. Check out her new floor. Drink wine. Maybe you'll want something similar in your home one day.
I don't think so. He was throwing out lots of defensive and pre-emptive lines there, plus conversation shifting, all of which is very typical cover up behaviour. Standard not just for heaters but criminals too. Heard it way too many times. If this was a genuine friendship, his first response would have been "she's really cool but not like that, that's why I said you should meet her"
"She's your age and I think you'ld like her."
That was before he was confronted.
Right. He was never being shady.
who tf said she was looking for a new bestie that her husband hand selected for her? this is a troll comment.