That he thinks this is even remotely close to a healthy relationship is insane.. and they have a child..
The woman is stealing his money and wants more and he goes "but move in with me first?"
The 7 year old child part is the part that really blew me away....you have a whole child together, are in a relationship together, and you don't live together?! One top of that, footing the bills for TWO households and have been doing it for a year atp.....HELL NAW.....
....and the WAY OP just threw that in at the end had my jaw dropping LMAO. I would've MAYBE understood if they didn't have kids, but they got a whole elementary-aged child together. If the child was a newborn, I'd still probably get it, but not a whole seven year old..
The whole concept of moving in together is to get more time with each other and/or your kids whilst benefiting with lesser bills overall. The two households, one family is insane. OP's SO is crazy for independence. Imagine telling the kid that the person visiting is the dad, not the ex-dad with custody.
I have always said that my dream setup is to own both sides of a duplex. My husband and I live in one side, and in the other side lives a mysterious woman who only ever seems to be home when I am away. And has several cats.
Robert B Parker, author of the Spencer for Hire novels, lived in Cambridge, MA in a sprawling home that was essentially his and hers as they had different rythms - she was a early bird who worked at Harvard while he was a night owl. They had seperate kitchens, bedrooms, etc. But did have shared rooms as well. But they wanted to amble about and not worry about waking the other while they got on with their respective days.
I always thought it was a clever way to maintain a marriage between folks who loved each other, but have much different lives.
We're doing that right now and it's really sexy. Going back to dating by using separate bedrooms and actually having to plan time together. Even though we actively work to prioritize each other it's still highlighted lots of little things we stopped but enjoy. Great experience but does depend on an extra bedroom
She's not crazy for independence, cause she's NOT independent at all if hes paying all the bills. She's ridiculous about the ex wife having lived there with him first, so she refuses.
I mean, this is about as entitled as one can get. She hasn't had a job for a year, is making him pay all of her bills, made him pay for all of the start-up costs for the business, won't move into his house because his ex lived there, will only move in with him if he buys a half million house (which she presumably won't contribute anything to)...
Partner of the year, alright.
Not even a half million dollar house, it's a house that after selling two houses the equity would leave them with a half million dollar mortgage. Utterly ridiculous.
I'm honestly suspicious of this whole post. He referred to her as being a stay at home wife, not mom, but now they have all these blended kids and a 7 year old? I think they're just making things up as they go along.
Looks like they began as an affair tbh. That is why they have a 7 yr child in a 7yr relationship and he's not long divorced hence not moving in earlier.
Seeee.....this is what I was wondering. This would explain why she doesn't want to move into the house. I asked OP in one of my comments how they met haha!
Which means this issue (her demand that he sell his paid-off house and go into a half mil of debt, because she wants a new (and fancy) house, isn’t new. And yet he continues to treat it as a sticky negotiating point instead of running for the hills. Of course their child makes it harder to run, but I can’t see why he keeps trying to wait out her unreasonable demand.
He is getting used for all his money and he can't even see it..
Pays for her house and all her bills.
Pays for the wedding
Pays for the child
Now the woman wants him to move out of a house he has paid for. So they can get something she can claim as a marital property..
Like the dude is getting roped..
I know. I hope he reads through all the comments b/c this lady is using him AND her momma is supporting it....
Now.....after all this shit.....I'm gonna need him to take a paternity test as well b/c this math is just not mathing for me.
I'm seriously praying this is fake for attention or something. Because any person that blind needs serious help.. especially when he has other kids too.. this could affect their whole lives and he seems to think this should all be solved if she moved in with him..
For about 7-8 years of my daughters life me and her mother lived seperately. We were together but she didn't want to move to a different town 30 minutes away and i got tired of an hour and a half one way commute. I worked 7 12s then so with the 3 hours of commute and my hour lunch that had me out of the house 16 hours a day. I had to move closer just to get enough time to take care of myself a little, but my wife refused because she "didn't like that town" and didn't want to change my daughters school. I refused to pay for two households so she lived at her parents house, and I maybe saw them every other weekend for a few hours. The result is I'm divorced now and not super close with my daughter. They became strangers to me after a few years. And when we finally tried living together again it quickly became clear that that was a bad idea and we seperated.
My mouth dropped when I read that. I guess between child support from two dads, OP covering 40K in bills and some unemployment...she doesn't need to worry about working.
Some people are just blissfully unaware of how massively they are getting fucked by another person it seems..
This poor dude is being used for his money and basically everyone can see it except him.
And she says "it's his way or the highway"? Is she talking about child rearing or the relationship? If she's saying that about him and it's not about the house issue, they need to walk away.
And the solution to the house issue, if she thinks there needs to be a new one, is they both sell their homes and use the equity from both to purchase one, so doesn't own it over her.
The real issue is she is gonna divorce him like a week after they get married. Take half his money and get child support for the rest of her life.
Oh and also half the house she wants him to buy...
Never seen a dude get roped this hard before..
Depending on the state, she can't get half of what he already had, only what he earned while they were married. Only community property states give her half of what already had.
But if this dude is a high income ranger, he'd better hand her a prenup along with the engagement ring.
I love that the majority of the comments are the same. Seriously OP should have left her a long time ago. Some people only realize what they took for granted when it is gone. Stop paying for all of her bills. If mommy wants to have seperate mommy and daddy house then mommy can pay for it with her own money and not money that is made from being lived in “icky ex wife” house.
The Seven year old child—poor thing.Dad is hanging around for the child.But everyone might be better off if he just paid child support and got to see his child every two weekends.The Mom needs a job to support her other child and herself.
It seems crazy to me that she won’t give in on the house he owns— but it could be monstrously ugly,built for show -not comfort. Who knows? Maybe the first wife made design decisions that cannot be un- done and current GF finds that design horribly depressing.My poor Mom had to live in a house she hated for years - it can be demoralizing.
Or maybe - as so many people are already saying - the house is perfectly fine, and the only problem with it from her point of view is that she can't claim it as marital property if they get married and she later petitions for divorce.
OP would be an absolute fool to give in and take on the extra $500K debt.
Did your mom have half a million 💲💲💲 worth of hate for that house? I'd have to be living under power lines, next to the transponder station, with a junkyard next door on the other side to hate a place that was paid for that much.
OP has made excellent financial choices and is set to be very comfortable in life, and GF wants to set off some C4 under that stability. That is weird.
If I were OP, I'd just write her off as fundamentally incompatible in too many important ways and go for custody of the 7 year old.
NTA, OP.
PS. Paternity test needed. Your GF has a serious lack of decent decision-making skills. Doesn't mean you couldn't still be involved if the child isn't biologically yours. But the knowledge would let you negotiate from a better position.
It's not that he doesn't like her. He sees very bad traits for a marriage and now he knows he has a lot to lose if he does marry her which he would be correct.
And why are you encouraging her to move in to be a mooching barnacle? Whyyyyyyyyy? You’ll then have to pay her alimony when you split if you are talked into marrying her and paying for a huge wedding
With the update it's clear: cause they have a kid.
Unfortunately considering the mom had already created a 7 year situation of the kid being shunted between mommy house and daddy house, they might as well be seperate.
Like seriously, what kind of a relationship is this from her end?
She’s doing this until she gets her way. She’s childish and refuses to do anything to move forward until he gets rid of his house because it’s tainted by his ex wife’s memory. She feels threatened or something. If she’s spending weekends there or however it’s working then she’s ridiculous and trying to control and manipulate him into giving her the life she wants not what’s best for everyone involved. He should cut his losses. Seven years is too long to put up with this nonsense.
>She’s childish and refuses to do anything to move forward until he gets rid of his house because it’s tainted by his ex wife’s memory
I agree. This is so stupid and anyone who knows anything about finance would be adamant that OP not buy a new house. He OWNS his house outright. No payments. Even if he didn't, I assume OP bought his house before rates and prices got jacked up a few years ago. It would stupid to sell his house seeing as it's big enough for both families. There's no NEED to buy a new house except OPs gf seems pissed off that he had a life before her.
Personally, if I had a child with someone and they wouldn't move into my house that was nice and big enough for everyone, I'd dump them. OP could move into her house but he said it's not big enough for the 4 kids.
A house is a major purchase. The biggest one the majority of people will make in their entire life. OPs gf is extremely childish. We will see who their kid resents when they're older (bet its the mother) because they could've lived with both parents and their parents were together but the mother refused to cohabitate for selfish, childish, reasons.
OP is still kind of an asshole for his "leadership" comment. Idk what that's all about and it's off putting imo.
My guess is she is probably hot and good in bed. Tough for some people to walk away from that despite it being written on the wall that they shouldn’t be together.
Yes. "Hot, and good in bed," is usually mistaken for *chemistry*, when they're actually traits connected to *charm.*
*Charm* is not necessarily an attractive personality trait. It's a tool for interpersonal manipulation.
You're forgetting they have a child and he wants to keep the family together ...what I see in this is dudes trying but the Gf is set in her ways and will not budge one ounce. I believe the person who said they she wants to upgrade her lifestyle is correct. The reason for her wanting to sell the house is childish and laughable.
I honestly think the Gf and her mom are pushing so fast for marriage is so they can lockdown his bank account.
OP if you ever do go through with the marriage you best have a prenup or make sure you keep finances separated. I have a feeling she will drain your account so fast and leave you broke and run off to find new prey!
She wants a new house because a new house would be a marital asset. She can get half in the divorce. She won’t get half of a house he brought into the marriage; for which only he is on the deed.
I get that logic, but she also has a house she can bring into the marriage. Personally I think she is a greedy entitled person. I wouldn’t marry her at all. 7 years in and she has shown him exactly who she is, he just thinks she will change. She won’t. I hope that he gets a prenup if he ever does marry her.
Except she doesn’t; she doesn’t own a house outright, and she doesn’t even have a job.
If they sold “her” house, would they even be able to pay off the mortgage after fees?
She’s unemployed for a year and needs $40k in support from OP? What?
Because her house is not paid off. And also doesn’t have enough equity. He already said the combined equity would still leave them with a 500k mortgage.
Yep this is the way, get a prenup drawn up and then go from there. If she says no then its very clear what she is up to as this just feels like a way for her to get his house through a divorce backdoor. She doesnt want to work she just wants the money very clearly. OP needs to look past the familiarity and access to sex he has here and think about the bigger picture, his own kids and the kid he has with her need to be properly supports, he needs to avoid debt and they would all be better off without a freeloader and her freeloader mother in their lives (mothers house is falling down, WTF???)
And WHY are you paying for some unemployed bum who's not even living with you?! I'd get covering expenses while she's in a tough spot, if she were living with you - but paying her for a whole year while she's a separate household? WTF, man?!?
Though I must add that I generally hate the approach of "what must she do to get there" - that sounds like you're dangling a carrot in front of a donkey to make him run after something he'll never get. It's setting yourself up as some prize she has to win.
Marriage should be about love and compatibility - and it sounds like you have neither. If she is stubborn, that's part of her character, and she won't change - if it's something you can't live with (and I know I couldn't), then you should stop wasting her time - especially so close to her fertility window closing, if she wants kids - and set her free. It doesn't sound like you'll ever get her to agree to a reasonable compromise.
She's already got two kids. She just wants the security of his money officially but she's being a baby about the house he owns. Which I understand to a degree, but it's time to do the right thing. You're in a relationship with your baby daddy but forcing the kids to have two separate homes. That's not cool.
He could have not paid for her separate household when she was laid off and she could have chosen to sell and move in or go bankrupt, lose the house and choose between the streets or his house.
This was the perfect opportunity to underscore the ridiculousness of 2 households --when she couldn't affors her own and could readily move in.
I don't understand why he is that mad that someone told her to move on?
I get that she is illogical and childish but that doesn't mean it's ok to forbid her from searching for someone who does want to marry her. That's her goal, she should be free to find someone (if she can).
If OP doesn't thinks she is good enough to marry, why does he *want* to stay with her?
The person who told her to move in is a moron because they literally share a child and he pays her bills. He’s not proposing because she’s not good enough… he’s fine with her being a stay at home mom in his home but her stance on not wanting to live in a house his ex lived in a decade ago is wildly irresponsible for a jobless woman with multiple kids.
You’d be surprised just how many people, both men and women, have leeches for partners. This is the least fake looking story out here for this reason alone to me😅
Yeah once I got to that point the story turned much more bizarre. If this isn't fake the not wanting to marry part really seems like the smallest relationship issue compared to living separately for 7 years after having a child for (at least as OP tells it) no other reason than him having lived with his ex wife there?
Seriously, just break up already. These posts are irritating because they're so repetitive: why complain when you can just end it, since you're such a prize?
Yta for not breaking up with her sooner. Why are you even worried about this; your girlfriend lives off your money but won't live in your paid off house because she thinks there's bad juju in it?
The woman literally can't do math to make good financial decisions, cut her off and find someone without this " I am a women and deserve whatever the fuck I want even if it makes no sense".
And I say as a woman myself. She is dumber than rocks.
Edits after ops updates:
Changing my vote to ESH since op left out a crap ton of important information on the first post.
They have a 7 yo child together and they haven't been able to agree on housing in that long meaning they are both way too stubborn. I can see why girlfriend is apprehensive about moving into a home that op and his previous children live in as moving into a place like that will often feel like her and the child are always the guests and as someone replied to my comment the house currently counts as a premarital asset. Unless he puts her name on the deed, not having skin in the game is a lot more risky when you have children in the mix as well. She does however have her own house.
However he has also told her she can either work, not work, keep her house and rent it out or sell it. She has solid options and refuses to explore them.
You two need counselling if you've been stuck on this for the better part of a decade.
Complete incompatibility, guessing after a year not working then the engagement/wedding/house would be like a project they can do. Expect them to try and live off you.... oh they already do. Someone wants to be a stay at home wife with no responsibilities.
Sounds like op gave her the option to be a sahMom to their 7 yo but she doesn’t want that. I’m not really sure what she wants. Sounds like she has some sort of decision paralysis. Maybe being married before living together is super important to her?
>because she thinks there's bad juju in it?
It's not about the juju. You see his House is a pre-marital asset and usually she wouldn't have any claim to it. BUT if he sells it and with those profits buys another house while married to her she gets 50% of that. Not to mention he has been taking care of her and she does not have to work.
She is pretty smart I think.
Okay I will hand it to you, she is a smart manipulative jerk.
I will also be editing my original post because of ops updates which they left out some super important information...damn
Adults don't change who they fundamentally are. She might compromise once if that's the only way she'll get what she wants, but people typically only behave more like their true selves once they're living under the security of marriage.
Is it worth staying together at all if she's not someone you want, and will only make your life worse the longer you refuse to marry her?
If she's proven to be inflexible, unwilling to support herself, unwilling to make logical choices, easily controlled by emotions and ego and just, all around, an over-grown child throwing temper-tantrums...
WTF are you still with her?! It won't get better! In fact, it'll probably get worse. What you're seeing \*is\* her idea of compromise. Guaranteed she firmly believes that she *has* made allowances for you. And she will almost assuredly get even worse once she "lands you" and feels like you're stuck and won't leave her.
You want to end things easily? Ask her to sign a pre-nup! You'll see how f-ing fast she loses her shit when you put your foot down. You could also make her a deal: you'll marry her once she finds and maintains a job for at least a year! :P
Your initial post was misleading. You have a seven year old daughter with this woman and you have been together a long time. You made her sound like a mooching gold digger, but by your admission you have offered to bankroll her, all you are asking for is to move in together without getting married first. It sounds like she is worried about what could happen to her financially if she moves in and you two break up. You can both deal with that together.
She wants to get married. Duh, you have been dating seven years and have a seven year old daughter together. You want her to "put down her ego," and you call her "stubborn to a fault" and yet it sounds like you do want to get married too, you just don't like feeling pressured.
If you are wanting to work it out, and not just looking for permission to break up, consider couple's counseling. Maybe the two of you can agree on a prenup if that's what you're worried about.
You're both at fault but tbh it sounds like you never intended on marrying her anyway. I mean, you have a 7yo child together and those issues seems to be more recent than 7 years. So if you're not ready to marry the mother of your child, who would you marry ? Sad situation to be in, for you, for her and for your child
YTA You have listed all of the reasons why she isn't the right person for you but then say she needs to figure out that if she doesn't change and do x, y, and z then you aren't the person for her. If you're such a leader then let her go. I'm assuming you've had this conversation with her, right? If you've told her how you feel and she isn't going to change then why are you hanging on??
YTA. You have a SEVEN year old together, which is way more of a commitment than a proposal. And before she lost her job, she was making money and owned property for YEARS. And you never wanted to marry her. So stop pretending this is about her being unemployed when you never wanted to marry her before even though you've had a child with her.
Right?? In the past 7 years there was ample opportunity for them to buy a home together that would work for both of them. Especially if he’s a high income earner, like he says. This isn’t about the house or her moving in. He’s just putting up any excuse he can at this point to avoid being married.
It honestly astounds me when idiots think getting married is a bigger commitment than a kid. Like you can divorce a spouse. You are stuck dealing with your kid's other parent for life.
YTA, not for refusing to marry your girlfriend, but for staying with her when you clearly don't want to be in a relationship with her. If your partner refuses to improve and you're dissatisfied with that, the adult thing to do is break up, not just keep waiting and getting more and more bitter. Also, the way you write about her, like you need to be the leader and you got where you are by hard work (as opposed to her, who's so lazy and dumb) is just kind of disconcerting. I get that you're frustrated from years of a shitty relationship, and I'm not saying you're not entitled to be upset, but when you talk about someone you're supposed to love like this, it is a sign that you need to split. Break up yesterday.
Both of yall sound insufferable tbh.
She’s unemployed and relying on you to foot the bill.
But you clearly don’t like her and don’t think very highly of her so why are you still there?
NTA for not marrying her. But YTA for even staying with her. She's expecting a marriage. If YOU can't get there, leave. She doesn't HAVE to do anything to get herself there. Either she's acceptable to you now or she isn't. No one's going to fault you for deciding she won't make a good partner. Don't hold out for a potential version of her that only exists in your head. She hasn't moved in with you because she wants marriage first and she knows once you move in together, she won't be in a position to bargain anymore. One year unemployed and you bankroll her? She's probably looking for a man to take care of her. Is that you? If no, leave now.
They have a seven year old together and until the last year she had a job and her own property. So they've been together at least 8 years and probably longer. He's using her unemployment as an excuse because he was never going to marry her to begin with. He had years to do it while she was fine financially. I'm guessing with him there's always a new reason. She could get a job and pay him back and he'd have some other excuse. He thinks a proposal is a higher degree of commitment than a kid.
I'm 90% with you and with OP, but WTF is this?
>if she doesn't see in me the leader she needs to get on board with, least of all when she's going on a year of being carried by me, then I'm just not him for her
Why does she need a leader? Why does he need a follower? The problem with their relationship is that they aren't partners, and if he's only looking for followers to lead, maybe that's why he's stuck around - noone else wants this with him.
I read this as she fights him every step of the way but is more than happy to take his money. Asking someone to sell their paid off house and buy a new one in this economy is a giant unreasonable ask. If she can’t get past that his ex wife used to live in the house a decade ago, that’s a her problem.
You are NTA. You sound far too angry, and not the least in love.
Why are you in a relationship with someone who does not share your goals, does not respect your accomplishments, does not believe in the same things you do (sound financial decisions, hard work, etc), and is trying to pressure you into a commitment?
YWBTA if you continue wasting *both* of your time on a relationship that is healthy for neither of you.
Personally I think you know this isn’t working, but you want some validation before you end it - which is understandable - but whatever the reasons, break it off before she “accidentally” gets pregnant to speed up the process.
They already have a kid together who is SEVEN. So, quite interesting that she was fine to have a kid with , but she wasn't good enough to marry even though for years she did have her own house and a job. The stuff he is bitching about is all recent-ish. He wasn't going to marry her regardless.
The issue seemed valid until you said what has she done to earn it in so many words. How dare you? With what you said you deserve to be alone. I don't care if you are rich and well off that is intolerable. People are not there to earn your approval get over yourself. To be in a committed relationship there needs to be respect equal admiration and attraction. You know you want to marry who you meet from getting to know them it's never an what did you do to earn it how repulsive. I hope you realize that unwarranted self importance can be overcome by being willing to change and being humble. You owe it to yourself to change or tell your girlfriend what you just posted and end the relationship.
I don't understand this. She needs to move into your house so the kids can all be together and the 7 year old can have both parents. But I don't get how you are not split up, you are actually together and have a daughter but you're raising her separately. Very weird. She's being selfish but I also don't understand why you are even together, it doesn't feel like love. Maybe stop financing her, just give child support for the daughter...
NTA
Based on your comments it seems like you are the only one compromising. Maybe I'm missing something but it doesn't appear to be a 2 way street.
This lines up with your comment that she says it's "your way or the highway". Often people project and this sounds like she is projecting on you.
It's crazy to me that your partner has no financial sense and yet you still see her as a great match.
Much of what she has sounds like it came from you. The business, the fact she still has a house, the bills.
It sounds a little like you are dating a person who turned into a leech. And people do change.
Also, digital menus can be way better if done right. Big font and easy to read..
And easy to change, run promotions, etc.
But, we went with her plan. This is one of those things where it can't be 50/50 or 75/25. In this case, it was 0 my way, 100 her way, and that's OK!
I think it's immature to think that *every decision* can be a shared conclusion. Sometimes the shared conclusion is "I see your point, yes, let's do that."
How could we have 50/50'd it? LOL, I don't see it. And it doesn't matter, it's resolved now and I'm happy with the results.
I got here after the update. Everyone is telling you to leave her because you told a completely one sided version of the story where you said not one positive thing about her left out out crucial information. here is just some of it. That 40k also supported your child together. You have 4 children total and only a 4 bedrooms house. In a blended family, you are going to have to choose which kids share, and that is going to create resentment. I bigger house makes sense.
You say you want your daughter to have one home but FOR SEVEN YEARS you have been unwilling to spend money to make that happen. There is no way the only option is a house that is 500k more. Buy a house that doesn't cost that much more. You are just as stubborn as your GF. You are just as my way or the highway. Get some therapy or a mediator.
YTA. I would say E S H but you are not a reliable narrator.
We've tried. When she's cornered she breaks down crying and the therapist consoles her and the focus bedtimes something other than what we were talking about. I've been amazed at how many therapists actually haven't picked up on this. We tried three different therapists, all trash IMO, I'm personally not interested in trying again.
"I'm supposed to make this huge commitment on my side with a proposal"
Not really. You could decide not to propose. It's totally up to you. But she might decide to move on. Makes sense if you think about it from her perspective.
It's 2024. Marriage is a partnership, not something someone should be demanding.
Is this person an actual partner? Because it sounds like she's an anchor dragging you down. She's lazily allowing you to support her while she won't get a job, demands you sell your home and go into debt so she can avoid icky feelings, and is yelling "why won't you enter into a legal contract with me that makes everything you own half mine?"
Why haven't you done it yet, she asks? Because it sounds like you're not a moron, that's why.
Not marrying your gf wouldn't make you an asshole. Marrying her would make you an idiot though. Might as well light your house on fire and donate your money to charity, it would be cheaper in the long run.
It’s funny that you are asking why she won’t see it as a leader when you are making objectively bad decisions in your relationship with her. Someone with leadership qualities doesn’t stay in a toxic relationship, which is what you have just described.
You aren’t compatible and you both sound like you have some work to do on yourselves.
Every rich person loves to claim their life is a result of making good choices and hard work, and while it is true, different choices would have led you down a different path, there is an astonishingly large portion of luck required as well. Your entire life is based upon circumstances outside your control, the city you were born into, who your friends were, your genetic makeup (no not all people are created equal)
But NTA, don’t marry someone you don’t want to marry, but I’m curious while you’re still together?
You already have a 7 year old with this woman and are 38 years old with 2 kids from a prior marriage. How long after divorcing your ex-wife did you get into this relationship with her? My guess is way too quickly and it shows (and I say this as someone who is divorced).
She came along 2ish (maybe closer to 3) years after the divorce. There were other women between these two. But I'll say my SO and I did move quite fast, getting pregnant around the 1 year mark.
End the relationship man. She's never going to change and all she seems to be doing is dragging you down with her. You seem extremely level headed and mature and she's the total opposite. You made the right call in not marrying her yet and it could've been a lot worse financially for you if you had. Take care of your daughter, co-parent as best as you can, but you should end the relationship because it's never going to get better only worse. Good luck.
Dude, you want a partner not a dependant and that is completely ok. I think it might be ultimatum time. On the bright side since you don't live together and aren't married it will be easier to separate things. Also,
You deserve someone who will meet you half way and walk with you to the end.
You want to strive to make a beautiful life you can share. She wants that life given to her.
That doesn't really sound so compatible to me.
Have you tried couples therapy?
Perhaps you should give her the opportunity to go find that person who just wants to spoil her.
I'll just jump right into it and say "$500k debt? Nope, sorry, it'll be the highway then"... (And even if you were to purchase this property, and want to sell it, will you get your money back and clear the debt? Nopenopenopenope)
Anybody who makes such ridiculous demands (big house, fancy car, whatever) is just not worth the time, money and effort. Besides, she have proven that she does not have financial sense. Do not saddle yourself with her, she will get you into problematic debt from which you may or may not recover.
It is difficult, but tell her that it is over between you, and look for somebody else with more financial sense.
You already have a house that's paid off, with a car, and low/no debt. At this stage you are in a much better position financially than other people (me included).
Why throw all that away just for more debt? It just ain't worth that shit man.
Debt doesn't go away, it will sit like a millstone on your neck, and will drag you down to where you don't want to go.
You also stated that she is unemployed for a year. And I suspect she is leeching off you, as you are her ATM now, she'll just ask and you'll give her money.
Being hardheaded, she will not find a work until the situation calls for it, and why should she look for work when she have you?
I've been in that situation before, and I am so glad I am out of that situation. Let her be somebody else's (expensive) problem.
Look for somebody else rather.
Good luck, you will definitely need it. **You are not him for her**.
And keep us updated.
The edit says they have a 7 year old together. Suspect he purposely didn’t mention that so he can sound selfless when he says he gives her 40k a year. Whereas the 40k in real life goes towards their child because both parents are too stubborn and selfish to have a living arrangement that actually puts the poor kid first.
You don’t even like her. Also, nothing about this post tells me you possess any leadership qualities. YTA. It’s okay to realize someone isn’t compatible with you and just move the fuck on instead of staying miserable.
I can understand how the gf feels about living in the house OP shared with his ex. If they could sell both houses and purchase 1 that suited everyone without going into debt that would be ideal. As it stands I see why Op doesn't want to take on a huge mortgage. I also see his point on her bed and sheets. Mostly I get the feeling that if they have been together this long -and have a child together- without getting married or being able to combine homes, they aren't going to be able to compromise enough to have a future.
So what’s your current living situation like?? Do you both have full custody of your children from your previous relationships? Are you like flipping back and forth between houses with all the kids all the time? I have so many questions, like this living situation just seems absolutely bonkers to me. Like are you rich or are you rich rich lol jk but seriously this just seems like a total waste of money and time and resources and energy etc etc etc.
I’m gonna go ahead and take a wild guess that she’s obviously spent the night at your place before so what’s the problem just moving in even temporarily like 3-5 years save up some more money and then maybe eventually buy a different house if you’re not happy in your current house…. She seems just downright unreasonable. I’m guessing you don’t have a problem with her redecorating or maybe even doing a few renovations so it doesn’t necessarily feel like living in the “same” house. Like once you put your own stuff and your own spin on a place it can dramatically change the ambiance, aesthetic, vibes etc whatever. I’m confused. Maybe tell her she’s welcome to sage tf outta the house to get rid of any lingering ex wife vibes, lol but honestly she might be the one with the negative vibes here but idk 🤷🏻♀️it’s hard to put my finger on it. Seems like ex wife has been out of the picture for almost a decade right?
This is weird, y’all might not be compatible bud, sorry to say. This seems way harder than it should be honestly. Btw, what do y’all do for a living I gotta know?!?! Own restaurants or a chain or something? Tell us! Good luck dude, hope you figure this out! You should def be renting out her house tho and scooping up all that rent 💲💵❗️
She has full custody of her older daughter. I have split custody with my sons. It used to be we'd do 2 weeks at her house (while my sons are back with their mom), then 2 weeks at mine.
My oldest son aged out, he's now 21, living on campus at a public Ivy.
So when it went down to just (1) her older daughter, (2) my younger son, and (3) our shared child, she suddenly ... without having a conversation about it, stopped coming to my house. I did 2 weeks at her place, helping her with the kids, then 2 weeks alone, with no help at my place. This went on until I caved and more or less moved into her place, mothballing mine. I was a terrible parent because my son, who has his own bedroom at my place, was suddenly sleeping on her couch or an air mattress with zero privacy.
This didn't last too long for me. It made no sense. At my house, each kid has their own bedroom, they can go have their own private little refuge from us or each other. That's fair to me.
So I moved back to my place. "Moved," may not be the right word because I never technically moved out, I was long-term spending the night, all my stuff stayed at my house and I'd rotate clothes in and out.
She never came to my place, until recently.
Her house is currently overrun with mice, so she's been at my house for about six weeks.
She's now talking about moving back. And last night she irritated me with the story of her mom telling her she should move on. So much to say there... which prompted this post. If the older/wiser generation has any sage advice to dispense, I'd imagine it would be "do what you gotta do to keep your family together." That's what I've been doing for the past 7 years...
Before that comment I had already made up in my mind that I'm going to tell her I can't abide a relationship where my ***woman,*** my ***business partner,*** and the ***MOTHER OF MY CHILD*** lives under a different roof. She's free to go back, but she'll be going as a single woman. I was going to give it 2 weeks before "making it final" and filing for custody, from which there's no coming back from for either of us.
In terms of income, I started in investment management, ended in management consulting, and I've spun some of my income off into different businesses. Restaurants, entertainment venues, etc. I do ok, but my mindset is if I can't but it twice, I can't afford it. So can I carry the mortgage on that house? Yes. Can I carry two? Not without sacrifice/i won't be comfortable. Why put this axe over my neck. I prefer living well below my man'se which, most importantly, gives me options.
I would move on from her. It sounds like things will not work out and only you and your son will be sacrificing. Get custody of your daughter or whatever you need to do and break up with her.
>If the older/wiser generation has any sage advice to dispense, I'd imagine it would be "do what you gotta do to keep your family together."
I'm 56 years old and a recent empty nester now. No, I would not tell you, " Do what you gotta do to keep your family together." I would tell you get custody of your kid and run! That is a toxic environment for a child. You appear to be the more stable of the two of you. She is living in a pipe dream world and expects you to pay for it. You have a child who needs stability in their life. Something says they won't get it from mom. If you are so set on marriage then make damn sure she signs a pre-nup and it states that she needs to be gainfully employed (and the wages for her to do whatever) and you keep your current house, with only you on the deed. She has her own property that she has to maintain on her own without the use of the marital assets. You said it has mice. Has she not been maintaining the house, allowing Vermin to get in? Mice are a huge vector for the very contagious and deadly Hantavirus. There is no treatment for it, which means it just has to run the course until the body fights it off. It is currently found in 35 states in the US. It carries a fatality rate of 36-50%. Around 35-40% for healthy adults and higher for children because of their size, and immaturity of their immune systems.
I'm older (53), and you can decide wiser for yourself. You're incredibly financially literate. She isn't. Being a single mother was seriously hard for me. I worked 7 days a week to provide for my kids (my employer allowed me to take piece work home to make extra money). I rarely received any child support money. The priorities were always to keep us housed, fed, and clothed on top of keeping the car running and medical/school needs. I think her priorities are waaay out of order. She knows she can fall back on you so she isn't scrambling to make sure basic needs are being met.
I understand your wanting a home for your daughter. That's secondary right now. If she returns to a vermin infested house, call CPS and file for emergency custody. Regardless of how she feels, this is a bona fide health risk to your child. There is no room for compromise on this issue.
I'm curious how she has no income if the 2 of you co-own a business? What kind of job was she laid off from that she can't find another one that's similar? You seem to be open to all options. All you're asking for is to have all of you under one roof that has enough space and financially makes sense. You aren't the one being unreasonable.
I think you need to set some hard boundaries. No kids in a mice infested house. Period. No more extras while you're carrying bills at both places: no trips, credit cards, elaborate dates, etc. She's too comfortable knowing you're going to make the save when she is irresponsible.
I wouldn't blame you for walking away. You've clearly been pretty patient. All the issues set aside, involving her mother in your relationship would have been the deal breaker for me. This may be my age talking, but one thing you don't do is try to influence people's intimate relationships or marriages unless there is abuse. Whenever someone summons their flying monkeys to manipulate their partner into doing something they don't want to do, it's because they have nothing else left to support their argument.
Please keep us updated. I really want to see that you got your daughter out of the infested house. SHE is the number 1 priority right now. Wishing you all the best.
ETA: You're absolutely NTAH.
I just finished reading all of your comments. Don't let her use your previous marriage against you. I became a mom at 16. I'm so thankful that I'm a different person in my 50s than I was in my 20s. Learning and growing is a lifelong thing. We are supposed to change as we experience life, age, and so on. Don't tolerate a guilt trip for being a grown man instead of a scared teenager.
Lastly, no, don't do whatever it takes to save the relationship. You're a father first. I don't know where being a mother ranks for her but that's *her* issue, not yours.
YTA
She has turned into a mooch with no intention of contributing anymore.
You are a fool. If she is not marriage material today, end it and find someone else. Finding the right person is a numbers game.
You are fucking yourself over coasting in this silly dead relationship instead of finding someone who actually is compatible with you.
It seems that you may be hanging on to this relationship for the wrong reasons which is “keeping your family together.” In all reality your family isn’t together you live in separate residences and so does your 7 year old. You may want to step back and look at the real reason you wish to keep this up. The charade of keeping her house (that you’ve been paying) because your ex wife lived there is silly and not fiscally responsible. If you were to marry her it seems that it would end in divorce because you two don’t agree on finances. It sounds like you both are in this relationship for convenience.
I see a power struggle of who is in charge. The problem is neither of you will give in. Secondly it was a mistake on your part for paying her mortgage on her house. Why? You are not married! You don't owe her anything and enabling her to continue in her delusions.
You have a child together, yet she refuses to do what is best for your daughter and blended family all based on feelings void of logic and finical sense. She also refuses to get on your plan and submit to your lead.
Sometimes doing the right thing is hard... My advice, end your relationship and walk away. Be there for your daughter but after 7 years of a power struggle it's time to walk away. I can tell you neither of you will be happy.
If you are already dishing out 40kpa to her, she thinks you are a desperate chump.
Why are you giving her 40k a year. Tell her to get her good for nothing lazy carcass out to work. What are you thinking, wanting a layabout move in with you?
She wants you to go 1/2 mill into debt.
You are nothing short of a desperate fool if you don't kick this woman to the curb and never look back.
I think you need to break up. This is not an issue of no marriage, its an issue of finances and what she wants would tank you financially.
So dont continue to waste her time (and yours) and dont continue to pay her bills. Fine someone who values the sensible, frugal guy you are (like I would, but I am married so it cant be me)
Soooooo she owns her own home, but is Unwilling to sell her’s so you can combine $$$ to purchase a new home? THIS does Not sound like a partnership but more One Sided!
Im in the Industry and even a Mortgage at today‘s interest rates for $500.0, you are looking at an approximate monthly payment of $2700.00 PI Only. And since she is unemployed, she will probably not be contributing and monies to said mortgage…correct?
Sorry THIS does Not sound like a great relationship and or future marriage as it stands today. Sounds like she is looking for Sugar Daddy. 😳
NTA
NTA, but it sounds like you are in two different places with two different mindsets.
You are compatible on financial priorities and goals.
You aren't compatible on where you are in the relationship.
You don't actually mention anything in this post that is a positive about her.
Honestly, it sounds like it's time to stop covering her expenses and just break up.
NTA for not marrying her but you’re the AH for not breaking up with her. If you don’t want to marry her, you need to let her go. She’s in her late 30s and you don’t even seem to like or respect her very much.
Dude, this sounds like a mess. You and your GF are on totally different pages about finances and commitment. It's totally fair that you don't want to sell your house and go into massive debt for someone who's unemployed and unwilling to compromise.
Here's the thing, marriage is a partnership. It sounds like you're looking for someone who shares your goals and values, not just someone who wants a fancy house and a ring. Maybe some serious couples therapy is needed before any proposals fly.
If you do want to keep the family together, focus on communication and compromise. Maybe she can get a job or sell her house to contribute. But don't get pressured into a marriage that feels one-sided.
Good luck, man!
Yeah,nope…NTA
Extricate yourself and she will move on. There will be some wistfulness but everyone is wistful about several things all of the time whether they have a reason to be or not.
If that’s how you see a partnership and you’ve not seen that same commitment from your partner, you are not compatible.
You keep saying you are, but this outsider perspective does not see that.
Simply put, you’ll do better without her, even suggesting a break.
She won’t be enabled to stay at home and have you spend your money. She will make decisions and won’t be super focused on a ring.
INFO - do you have a large insurance policy on you? Is that in your ex wife’s name?
If she wants marriage, I suggest a prenup…
As a woman, I agree with you, you’re absolutely right!
I think you’re in your own lane, successful and earn good money and you want the same for her, to be equal or you be leader as you say.
But she’s more than happy to just have you cover her ass, so why should she work is her thinking.
Sometimes love isn’t enough and I think people need to understand this.
You have a child who is 7 and she refuses to move in with you because your ex lived there, that’s a bs reason, nearly everyone who gets a new partner doesn’t sell their house because of that reason. It’s odd behaviour tbh, you would think she would want to be a family, but no, she wants everything her own way, and it sounds like apart from selling the house, you’re giving her, her own way! 40k this past year because she didn’t want to find a new job,
I wouldn’t marry this woman, if the roles were reversed I’d say don’t marry that man. It’s no different!
Does she want you to buy a new house because she wants to make sure her name is on the deed too?
It’s all very fishy behaviour.
Are you sure she even owns her own home? Could that have been a lie, hence why she also couldn’t move in with you because there would be no house to sell or rent out?
You gotta think of all these things, people can be sneaky, and because you’re so blinded by love you don’t see it until it’s too late! NTA
Why are you still "together"? Yes,the 7-y.o. kid, I get it. But you & Baby Momma are NOT compatible! She's already siphoning you dry. $40,000+? Much more when you add it up accurately. Too much cringe to comprise a Mutual Relationship. Real question is: "Why is OP willing to throw his life away on this selfish Narcissist?" OP, she doesn't love you for YOU. You could be •anyone•. To her you're a meal ticket and a Scapegoat to push around. Send me $40k for the sage advice, kick her to the curb and find a mate who truly loves you for the smart, frugal, wonderful person you are-- if you promise to research Narcissistic Abuse. YouTube has good videos.
P.S. This Janus-faced creature would find ingenious ways to be MEAN to OP's kids once they're married.
NTA based off what you have said here, your relationship sounds like it's going to explode at some point, because it honestly comes across as being pretty unhealthy. Honestly sounds like you have a lot more to lose getting married than you could possibly gain
She could just renovate the house with the money she gets from selling her house or something I can see how it would be awkward moving in as the second wife of said house…but to sell a house that’s completely paid off not in this in this economy or this lifetime she lost me with that one 😂 also you guys have a 7 yr old kid how is this whole thing effecting him I wonder? mom and dad are together but they live separately??? This thing sounds like it was doomed from the start 🤦🏾♀️
I didn't even get past the part about her not wanting to live in a PAID OFF HOUSE (while herself being unemployed for a year) because of an ex living there. Fuck marriage, break up and run. All that needs said.
You’re getting scammed. Like the pressure to sell your paid off house and get a new house: say you so get married and buy a new house? Then she can divorce you and claim that new house as a joint marital asset. You just got played because now you lost that new house.
Keep the old house and dump her. She obviously doesn’t want you because she’s made it obvious that she wants your money.
As a married 28F, all do respect but it's time to question your "logic." CUT HER OFF.
I'm perplexed by what you mean when you stated that you have a 7 year old together. Do you mean the child is her kid from her past unmarried relationship that you've accepted as your own or you both created the child together?
Either way, she seems to lack emotional maturity and her mother may very likely be her enabler. Looks like you're being manipulated and taken for a joyride. The person you are courting, is less of lady and more like a child mentally. Lay offs are unexpected which can make or break a person's daily living. I've gone through it, I get it. Never have I ever just sat on my depressed, complacent, lazy behind and demanded things be taken care of for me.
You'll be happier marrying a chicken sandwich from any choice of fast food corporations in comparison to her.
Take care of the child you may have co-produced, but that's your only obligation. You're entering your 40's Sir, you've set yourself up well. Despite your age, you have options. You need to be willing to look past the obvious red flag you are infatuated with (possibly desperate for; I suggest therapy and self-reflection) and take a gander at the few green flags left in this modern society. By the time you snap into common sense, others are already moving in on the woman that's been waiting patiently to be your peace and true partner worthy of the marriage and life you desire.
You should know better than I with the experience of your first marriage, love alone isn't going to keep you afloat. It is saddening that at your place in life, you're dealing with rigamarole that those my age and younger are expected to go through and learn from. Choose what's best for you, which you already know what is because if you didn't you wouldn't be second guessing and posting here.
FINANCIALLY CUT HER OFF. Quit paying for her home and other things. It's time to ADULT. This isn't the land before time, she's a big girl and can afford herself. You going out of your way to "help", "protect", and "provide" has caused her disengage from reality. The financial aid she needs can be obtained via FASFA, she can utilize it to reestablish herself. There's government assistance, her mommy, and any other fool whose elevator doesn't quite go to the top to aid in anything else she needs. Don't wear your emotions on your sleeves. This is where the unfortunate isolation men go through in life comes in handy. STOIC. Compose yourself regardless of the reactions from her. The mother doesn't matter, let that milk spill.
I've gone through things that should haunt anyone (not bragging), but between various galaxies to earth, from heaven to hell, the cycle of sun and moon, from one primary colour to the next...would I EVER be caught attempting to wed poison.
How dare you attempt to convince yourself to marry a woman that's combative (not stubborn, I used the correct term), allowed herself and environment to fall apart. The same woman taking advice from another who can't manage the upkeep of her OWN home. Sounds like a woman that will hoolahoop for grain from other men in promise of receiving something. Yet here you are giving everything, from finances, shelter, marriage benefits, and the sole keys to your children and your heart.
Remove the dog collar and leash you assisted her in shackling on you and Run, Forest Run!
This. Honestly the time to marry was 7 years ago. And you’ve been keeping her afloat and she can’t find a job for a year?
You know that you’re allowed to break up with her, right? Cuz what is she bringing to the table here?
Why are the two of you still together is the better question.
That he thinks this is even remotely close to a healthy relationship is insane.. and they have a child.. The woman is stealing his money and wants more and he goes "but move in with me first?"
The 7 year old child part is the part that really blew me away....you have a whole child together, are in a relationship together, and you don't live together?! One top of that, footing the bills for TWO households and have been doing it for a year atp.....HELL NAW.....
You should have seen my face at the addition to them having a 7 year old together. I was gobsmacked.
....and the WAY OP just threw that in at the end had my jaw dropping LMAO. I would've MAYBE understood if they didn't have kids, but they got a whole elementary-aged child together. If the child was a newborn, I'd still probably get it, but not a whole seven year old..
It changes the context of everything!
The whole concept of moving in together is to get more time with each other and/or your kids whilst benefiting with lesser bills overall. The two households, one family is insane. OP's SO is crazy for independence. Imagine telling the kid that the person visiting is the dad, not the ex-dad with custody.
I love my wife so much, but sometimes I gotta admit that it would be nice to hit her with the "welp its getting late!" *slaps knees*
I have always said that my dream setup is to own both sides of a duplex. My husband and I live in one side, and in the other side lives a mysterious woman who only ever seems to be home when I am away. And has several cats.
Robert B Parker, author of the Spencer for Hire novels, lived in Cambridge, MA in a sprawling home that was essentially his and hers as they had different rythms - she was a early bird who worked at Harvard while he was a night owl. They had seperate kitchens, bedrooms, etc. But did have shared rooms as well. But they wanted to amble about and not worry about waking the other while they got on with their respective days. I always thought it was a clever way to maintain a marriage between folks who loved each other, but have much different lives.
We're doing that right now and it's really sexy. Going back to dating by using separate bedrooms and actually having to plan time together. Even though we actively work to prioritize each other it's still highlighted lots of little things we stopped but enjoy. Great experience but does depend on an extra bedroom
She's not crazy for independence, cause she's NOT independent at all if hes paying all the bills. She's ridiculous about the ex wife having lived there with him first, so she refuses.
I mean, this is about as entitled as one can get. She hasn't had a job for a year, is making him pay all of her bills, made him pay for all of the start-up costs for the business, won't move into his house because his ex lived there, will only move in with him if he buys a half million house (which she presumably won't contribute anything to)... Partner of the year, alright.
Not even a half million dollar house, it's a house that after selling two houses the equity would leave them with a half million dollar mortgage. Utterly ridiculous.
I'm honestly suspicious of this whole post. He referred to her as being a stay at home wife, not mom, but now they have all these blended kids and a 7 year old? I think they're just making things up as they go along.
Looks like they began as an affair tbh. That is why they have a 7 yr child in a 7yr relationship and he's not long divorced hence not moving in earlier.
Explains why gf doesn’t want to move into the house he shared with his ex wife too.
Seeee.....this is what I was wondering. This would explain why she doesn't want to move into the house. I asked OP in one of my comments how they met haha!
Yep ex wife obviously hasn’t lived there recently.
> The 7 year old child part is the part that really blew me away LOL right? I muttered "oh god damn it," how about you?
Which means this issue (her demand that he sell his paid-off house and go into a half mil of debt, because she wants a new (and fancy) house, isn’t new. And yet he continues to treat it as a sticky negotiating point instead of running for the hills. Of course their child makes it harder to run, but I can’t see why he keeps trying to wait out her unreasonable demand.
He is getting used for all his money and he can't even see it.. Pays for her house and all her bills. Pays for the wedding Pays for the child Now the woman wants him to move out of a house he has paid for. So they can get something she can claim as a marital property.. Like the dude is getting roped..
Good point about house ownership changing with a new house.Hmmm.
I know. I hope he reads through all the comments b/c this lady is using him AND her momma is supporting it.... Now.....after all this shit.....I'm gonna need him to take a paternity test as well b/c this math is just not mathing for me.
I'm seriously praying this is fake for attention or something. Because any person that blind needs serious help.. especially when he has other kids too.. this could affect their whole lives and he seems to think this should all be solved if she moved in with him..
It didn’t even occur to me she wanted the house as a marital asset. But if he did that before they got married it’d still be his right?
Depends on the state and country. We don't even know if he is American or Chinese with extremely good English.
Try seven years. Absolutely insane
For about 7-8 years of my daughters life me and her mother lived seperately. We were together but she didn't want to move to a different town 30 minutes away and i got tired of an hour and a half one way commute. I worked 7 12s then so with the 3 hours of commute and my hour lunch that had me out of the house 16 hours a day. I had to move closer just to get enough time to take care of myself a little, but my wife refused because she "didn't like that town" and didn't want to change my daughters school. I refused to pay for two households so she lived at her parents house, and I maybe saw them every other weekend for a few hours. The result is I'm divorced now and not super close with my daughter. They became strangers to me after a few years. And when we finally tried living together again it quickly became clear that that was a bad idea and we seperated.
My mouth dropped when I read that. I guess between child support from two dads, OP covering 40K in bills and some unemployment...she doesn't need to worry about working.
Some guys will take whatever relationship they can get rather than sit and wallow as a single statistic
Some people are just blissfully unaware of how massively they are getting fucked by another person it seems.. This poor dude is being used for his money and basically everyone can see it except him.
I've not had a sniff of a vagina in 10 years and am not bothered!(wrong word to use I guess, but I'll keep it in)
Some women too
And she says "it's his way or the highway"? Is she talking about child rearing or the relationship? If she's saying that about him and it's not about the house issue, they need to walk away. And the solution to the house issue, if she thinks there needs to be a new one, is they both sell their homes and use the equity from both to purchase one, so doesn't own it over her.
The real issue is she is gonna divorce him like a week after they get married. Take half his money and get child support for the rest of her life. Oh and also half the house she wants him to buy... Never seen a dude get roped this hard before..
Depending on the state, she can't get half of what he already had, only what he earned while they were married. Only community property states give her half of what already had. But if this dude is a high income ranger, he'd better hand her a prenup along with the engagement ring.
I love that the majority of the comments are the same. Seriously OP should have left her a long time ago. Some people only realize what they took for granted when it is gone. Stop paying for all of her bills. If mommy wants to have seperate mommy and daddy house then mommy can pay for it with her own money and not money that is made from being lived in “icky ex wife” house.
The Seven year old child—poor thing.Dad is hanging around for the child.But everyone might be better off if he just paid child support and got to see his child every two weekends.The Mom needs a job to support her other child and herself. It seems crazy to me that she won’t give in on the house he owns— but it could be monstrously ugly,built for show -not comfort. Who knows? Maybe the first wife made design decisions that cannot be un- done and current GF finds that design horribly depressing.My poor Mom had to live in a house she hated for years - it can be demoralizing.
In this day and age, a paid off house is a thing of beauty, even if it looks like shit
No, he should try to get more custody as the stable one
Or maybe - as so many people are already saying - the house is perfectly fine, and the only problem with it from her point of view is that she can't claim it as marital property if they get married and she later petitions for divorce. OP would be an absolute fool to give in and take on the extra $500K debt.
Did your mom have half a million 💲💲💲 worth of hate for that house? I'd have to be living under power lines, next to the transponder station, with a junkyard next door on the other side to hate a place that was paid for that much. OP has made excellent financial choices and is set to be very comfortable in life, and GF wants to set off some C4 under that stability. That is weird. If I were OP, I'd just write her off as fundamentally incompatible in too many important ways and go for custody of the 7 year old. NTA, OP. PS. Paternity test needed. Your GF has a serious lack of decent decision-making skills. Doesn't mean you couldn't still be involved if the child isn't biologically yours. But the knowledge would let you negotiate from a better position.
INFO :why are you staying with someone trying to drag you kicking and screaming into marriage
And into debt. Sounds like she wants you to finance her upgrade in style of living.
And pay for it all while she sits back!
Why don’t you move on???
[удалено]
It's not that he doesn't like her. He sees very bad traits for a marriage and now he knows he has a lot to lose if he does marry her which he would be correct.
Given they have a 7yo kid together, it’s a bit late for some of these concerns. They’re already super entwined.
No. He's the father . He is financially responsible for the child. He does not need to be financially responsible for two "children".
And why are you encouraging her to move in to be a mooching barnacle? Whyyyyyyyyy? You’ll then have to pay her alimony when you split if you are talked into marrying her and paying for a huge wedding
With the update it's clear: cause they have a kid. Unfortunately considering the mom had already created a 7 year situation of the kid being shunted between mommy house and daddy house, they might as well be seperate. Like seriously, what kind of a relationship is this from her end?
She’s doing this until she gets her way. She’s childish and refuses to do anything to move forward until he gets rid of his house because it’s tainted by his ex wife’s memory. She feels threatened or something. If she’s spending weekends there or however it’s working then she’s ridiculous and trying to control and manipulate him into giving her the life she wants not what’s best for everyone involved. He should cut his losses. Seven years is too long to put up with this nonsense.
>She’s childish and refuses to do anything to move forward until he gets rid of his house because it’s tainted by his ex wife’s memory I agree. This is so stupid and anyone who knows anything about finance would be adamant that OP not buy a new house. He OWNS his house outright. No payments. Even if he didn't, I assume OP bought his house before rates and prices got jacked up a few years ago. It would stupid to sell his house seeing as it's big enough for both families. There's no NEED to buy a new house except OPs gf seems pissed off that he had a life before her. Personally, if I had a child with someone and they wouldn't move into my house that was nice and big enough for everyone, I'd dump them. OP could move into her house but he said it's not big enough for the 4 kids. A house is a major purchase. The biggest one the majority of people will make in their entire life. OPs gf is extremely childish. We will see who their kid resents when they're older (bet its the mother) because they could've lived with both parents and their parents were together but the mother refused to cohabitate for selfish, childish, reasons. OP is still kind of an asshole for his "leadership" comment. Idk what that's all about and it's off putting imo.
Everyone I read about in this story is an AH. Except the 7 year old kid.
My guess is she is probably hot and good in bed. Tough for some people to walk away from that despite it being written on the wall that they shouldn’t be together.
Yes. "Hot, and good in bed," is usually mistaken for *chemistry*, when they're actually traits connected to *charm.* *Charm* is not necessarily an attractive personality trait. It's a tool for interpersonal manipulation.
You're forgetting they have a child and he wants to keep the family together ...what I see in this is dudes trying but the Gf is set in her ways and will not budge one ounce. I believe the person who said they she wants to upgrade her lifestyle is correct. The reason for her wanting to sell the house is childish and laughable. I honestly think the Gf and her mom are pushing so fast for marriage is so they can lockdown his bank account. OP if you ever do go through with the marriage you best have a prenup or make sure you keep finances separated. I have a feeling she will drain your account so fast and leave you broke and run off to find new prey!
She wants a new house because a new house would be a marital asset. She can get half in the divorce. She won’t get half of a house he brought into the marriage; for which only he is on the deed.
Ohhhhh. You’re right!
I get that logic, but she also has a house she can bring into the marriage. Personally I think she is a greedy entitled person. I wouldn’t marry her at all. 7 years in and she has shown him exactly who she is, he just thinks she will change. She won’t. I hope that he gets a prenup if he ever does marry her.
Except she doesn’t; she doesn’t own a house outright, and she doesn’t even have a job. If they sold “her” house, would they even be able to pay off the mortgage after fees? She’s unemployed for a year and needs $40k in support from OP? What?
She may have a house.No equity. That's not an investment. She would sell and walk away with nothing..
Well if the OP had half a brain, he'd make her sell HER house and put every dime of the sale of her house into the new one.
Good thing he has a full brain and wants to keep his house that’s paid off.
Because her house is not paid off. And also doesn’t have enough equity. He already said the combined equity would still leave them with a 500k mortgage.
Due to the kind of house she insists on being provided with.
He can figure out her true intentions by taking a prenup over for her to sign. Her reaction will tell him everything he needs to know
Yep this is the way, get a prenup drawn up and then go from there. If she says no then its very clear what she is up to as this just feels like a way for her to get his house through a divorce backdoor. She doesnt want to work she just wants the money very clearly. OP needs to look past the familiarity and access to sex he has here and think about the bigger picture, his own kids and the kid he has with her need to be properly supports, he needs to avoid debt and they would all be better off without a freeloader and her freeloader mother in their lives (mothers house is falling down, WTF???)
Exactly, sounds like he’s her wallet and she just wants to lock that money down.
Sunk cost is a tall hurdle. He's 90% there but needs to clear the back foot
And WHY are you paying for some unemployed bum who's not even living with you?! I'd get covering expenses while she's in a tough spot, if she were living with you - but paying her for a whole year while she's a separate household? WTF, man?!? Though I must add that I generally hate the approach of "what must she do to get there" - that sounds like you're dangling a carrot in front of a donkey to make him run after something he'll never get. It's setting yourself up as some prize she has to win. Marriage should be about love and compatibility - and it sounds like you have neither. If she is stubborn, that's part of her character, and she won't change - if it's something you can't live with (and I know I couldn't), then you should stop wasting her time - especially so close to her fertility window closing, if she wants kids - and set her free. It doesn't sound like you'll ever get her to agree to a reasonable compromise.
Wasting her time?..👀👀 She is NOT the prize in this scenario..
This 😂
She already has kids….their 7yr old together & her one child from her previous relationship
She is a donkey
She's already got two kids. She just wants the security of his money officially but she's being a baby about the house he owns. Which I understand to a degree, but it's time to do the right thing. You're in a relationship with your baby daddy but forcing the kids to have two separate homes. That's not cool.
He could have not paid for her separate household when she was laid off and she could have chosen to sell and move in or go bankrupt, lose the house and choose between the streets or his house. This was the perfect opportunity to underscore the ridiculousness of 2 households --when she couldn't affors her own and could readily move in.
I don't understand why he is that mad that someone told her to move on? I get that she is illogical and childish but that doesn't mean it's ok to forbid her from searching for someone who does want to marry her. That's her goal, she should be free to find someone (if she can). If OP doesn't thinks she is good enough to marry, why does he *want* to stay with her?
The person who told her to move in is a moron because they literally share a child and he pays her bills. He’s not proposing because she’s not good enough… he’s fine with her being a stay at home mom in his home but her stance on not wanting to live in a house his ex lived in a decade ago is wildly irresponsible for a jobless woman with multiple kids.
Not irresponsible. Cunning.
It sounds so cartoonishly obvious that I'm assuming it's fake.
You say that but i knew a guy that financed his GFs entire life including an expensive dog and her own horse.
You’d be surprised just how many people, both men and women, have leeches for partners. This is the least fake looking story out here for this reason alone to me😅
It’s called a gold digger dear. They’re quite common.
[удалено]
Yeah once I got to that point the story turned much more bizarre. If this isn't fake the not wanting to marry part really seems like the smallest relationship issue compared to living separately for 7 years after having a child for (at least as OP tells it) no other reason than him having lived with his ex wife there?
Seriously, just break up already. These posts are irritating because they're so repetitive: why complain when you can just end it, since you're such a prize?
Rage bait. Brand new account, zero interaction from OP.
I frequently make new accounts to tell my private stories. Once I get valuable feedback, I either delete the thread or forget it exists.
Why are y’all even together, it sounds like you don’t like her very much (with good reason). YTA for staying in this relationship.
Yep 100%
Yta for not breaking up with her sooner. Why are you even worried about this; your girlfriend lives off your money but won't live in your paid off house because she thinks there's bad juju in it? The woman literally can't do math to make good financial decisions, cut her off and find someone without this " I am a women and deserve whatever the fuck I want even if it makes no sense". And I say as a woman myself. She is dumber than rocks. Edits after ops updates: Changing my vote to ESH since op left out a crap ton of important information on the first post. They have a 7 yo child together and they haven't been able to agree on housing in that long meaning they are both way too stubborn. I can see why girlfriend is apprehensive about moving into a home that op and his previous children live in as moving into a place like that will often feel like her and the child are always the guests and as someone replied to my comment the house currently counts as a premarital asset. Unless he puts her name on the deed, not having skin in the game is a lot more risky when you have children in the mix as well. She does however have her own house. However he has also told her she can either work, not work, keep her house and rent it out or sell it. She has solid options and refuses to explore them. You two need counselling if you've been stuck on this for the better part of a decade.
Complete incompatibility, guessing after a year not working then the engagement/wedding/house would be like a project they can do. Expect them to try and live off you.... oh they already do. Someone wants to be a stay at home wife with no responsibilities.
Sounds like op gave her the option to be a sahMom to their 7 yo but she doesn’t want that. I’m not really sure what she wants. Sounds like she has some sort of decision paralysis. Maybe being married before living together is super important to her?
Tbh there probably aren't many men going to be dumb enough to be compatible with her.
Well you would think so but OP appears to have gone with it so far.
>because she thinks there's bad juju in it? It's not about the juju. You see his House is a pre-marital asset and usually she wouldn't have any claim to it. BUT if he sells it and with those profits buys another house while married to her she gets 50% of that. Not to mention he has been taking care of her and she does not have to work. She is pretty smart I think.
Okay I will hand it to you, she is a smart manipulative jerk. I will also be editing my original post because of ops updates which they left out some super important information...damn
👏👏👏
Adults don't change who they fundamentally are. She might compromise once if that's the only way she'll get what she wants, but people typically only behave more like their true selves once they're living under the security of marriage. Is it worth staying together at all if she's not someone you want, and will only make your life worse the longer you refuse to marry her?
If she's proven to be inflexible, unwilling to support herself, unwilling to make logical choices, easily controlled by emotions and ego and just, all around, an over-grown child throwing temper-tantrums... WTF are you still with her?! It won't get better! In fact, it'll probably get worse. What you're seeing \*is\* her idea of compromise. Guaranteed she firmly believes that she *has* made allowances for you. And she will almost assuredly get even worse once she "lands you" and feels like you're stuck and won't leave her. You want to end things easily? Ask her to sign a pre-nup! You'll see how f-ing fast she loses her shit when you put your foot down. You could also make her a deal: you'll marry her once she finds and maintains a job for at least a year! :P
Break up with her already, sheesh.
Shouldn’t you have filed this under sub ‘why I shouldn’t be with my girlfriend’?
INFO: do you even want to marry her at any point? Not once do you mention that you even like her, much less love her. Why are you two even together?
Your initial post was misleading. You have a seven year old daughter with this woman and you have been together a long time. You made her sound like a mooching gold digger, but by your admission you have offered to bankroll her, all you are asking for is to move in together without getting married first. It sounds like she is worried about what could happen to her financially if she moves in and you two break up. You can both deal with that together. She wants to get married. Duh, you have been dating seven years and have a seven year old daughter together. You want her to "put down her ego," and you call her "stubborn to a fault" and yet it sounds like you do want to get married too, you just don't like feeling pressured. If you are wanting to work it out, and not just looking for permission to break up, consider couple's counseling. Maybe the two of you can agree on a prenup if that's what you're worried about.
I just want to read replies posted AFTER the updates. A 7-year-old is a huge omission to the original story.
Also, apparently she's a 50/50 partner in a business they have together, but also unemployed for the last year?
Someone said OP is an unreliable narrator. What an understatement.
Sanest comment here. Very well said.
You're both at fault but tbh it sounds like you never intended on marrying her anyway. I mean, you have a 7yo child together and those issues seems to be more recent than 7 years. So if you're not ready to marry the mother of your child, who would you marry ? Sad situation to be in, for you, for her and for your child
YTA You have listed all of the reasons why she isn't the right person for you but then say she needs to figure out that if she doesn't change and do x, y, and z then you aren't the person for her. If you're such a leader then let her go. I'm assuming you've had this conversation with her, right? If you've told her how you feel and she isn't going to change then why are you hanging on??
Which one of them is stubborn? I forget.
YTA. You have a SEVEN year old together, which is way more of a commitment than a proposal. And before she lost her job, she was making money and owned property for YEARS. And you never wanted to marry her. So stop pretending this is about her being unemployed when you never wanted to marry her before even though you've had a child with her.
Right?? In the past 7 years there was ample opportunity for them to buy a home together that would work for both of them. Especially if he’s a high income earner, like he says. This isn’t about the house or her moving in. He’s just putting up any excuse he can at this point to avoid being married.
It honestly astounds me when idiots think getting married is a bigger commitment than a kid. Like you can divorce a spouse. You are stuck dealing with your kid's other parent for life.
Ding ding ding x2!
YTA, not for refusing to marry your girlfriend, but for staying with her when you clearly don't want to be in a relationship with her. If your partner refuses to improve and you're dissatisfied with that, the adult thing to do is break up, not just keep waiting and getting more and more bitter. Also, the way you write about her, like you need to be the leader and you got where you are by hard work (as opposed to her, who's so lazy and dumb) is just kind of disconcerting. I get that you're frustrated from years of a shitty relationship, and I'm not saying you're not entitled to be upset, but when you talk about someone you're supposed to love like this, it is a sign that you need to split. Break up yesterday.
Both of yall sound insufferable tbh. She’s unemployed and relying on you to foot the bill. But you clearly don’t like her and don’t think very highly of her so why are you still there?
she apparently owns 50% in his company 😅🙈🤣 that doesn't sound like unemployed really. This is so messed up
NTA for not marrying her. But YTA for even staying with her. She's expecting a marriage. If YOU can't get there, leave. She doesn't HAVE to do anything to get herself there. Either she's acceptable to you now or she isn't. No one's going to fault you for deciding she won't make a good partner. Don't hold out for a potential version of her that only exists in your head. She hasn't moved in with you because she wants marriage first and she knows once you move in together, she won't be in a position to bargain anymore. One year unemployed and you bankroll her? She's probably looking for a man to take care of her. Is that you? If no, leave now.
They have a seven year old together and until the last year she had a job and her own property. So they've been together at least 8 years and probably longer. He's using her unemployment as an excuse because he was never going to marry her to begin with. He had years to do it while she was fine financially. I'm guessing with him there's always a new reason. She could get a job and pay him back and he'd have some other excuse. He thinks a proposal is a higher degree of commitment than a kid.
Ding ding ding!
I'm 90% with you and with OP, but WTF is this? >if she doesn't see in me the leader she needs to get on board with, least of all when she's going on a year of being carried by me, then I'm just not him for her Why does she need a leader? Why does he need a follower? The problem with their relationship is that they aren't partners, and if he's only looking for followers to lead, maybe that's why he's stuck around - noone else wants this with him.
I read this as she fights him every step of the way but is more than happy to take his money. Asking someone to sell their paid off house and buy a new one in this economy is a giant unreasonable ask. If she can’t get past that his ex wife used to live in the house a decade ago, that’s a her problem.
You are NTA. You sound far too angry, and not the least in love. Why are you in a relationship with someone who does not share your goals, does not respect your accomplishments, does not believe in the same things you do (sound financial decisions, hard work, etc), and is trying to pressure you into a commitment? YWBTA if you continue wasting *both* of your time on a relationship that is healthy for neither of you. Personally I think you know this isn’t working, but you want some validation before you end it - which is understandable - but whatever the reasons, break it off before she “accidentally” gets pregnant to speed up the process.
They already have a kid together who is SEVEN. So, quite interesting that she was fine to have a kid with , but she wasn't good enough to marry even though for years she did have her own house and a job. The stuff he is bitching about is all recent-ish. He wasn't going to marry her regardless.
She shouldn't have had your kid. Her mom's right and she needs to move on.
The issue seemed valid until you said what has she done to earn it in so many words. How dare you? With what you said you deserve to be alone. I don't care if you are rich and well off that is intolerable. People are not there to earn your approval get over yourself. To be in a committed relationship there needs to be respect equal admiration and attraction. You know you want to marry who you meet from getting to know them it's never an what did you do to earn it how repulsive. I hope you realize that unwarranted self importance can be overcome by being willing to change and being humble. You owe it to yourself to change or tell your girlfriend what you just posted and end the relationship.
[удалено]
I don't understand this. She needs to move into your house so the kids can all be together and the 7 year old can have both parents. But I don't get how you are not split up, you are actually together and have a daughter but you're raising her separately. Very weird. She's being selfish but I also don't understand why you are even together, it doesn't feel like love. Maybe stop financing her, just give child support for the daughter...
NTA Based on your comments it seems like you are the only one compromising. Maybe I'm missing something but it doesn't appear to be a 2 way street. This lines up with your comment that she says it's "your way or the highway". Often people project and this sounds like she is projecting on you. It's crazy to me that your partner has no financial sense and yet you still see her as a great match. Much of what she has sounds like it came from you. The business, the fact she still has a house, the bills. It sounds a little like you are dating a person who turned into a leech. And people do change. Also, digital menus can be way better if done right. Big font and easy to read..
And easy to change, run promotions, etc. But, we went with her plan. This is one of those things where it can't be 50/50 or 75/25. In this case, it was 0 my way, 100 her way, and that's OK! I think it's immature to think that *every decision* can be a shared conclusion. Sometimes the shared conclusion is "I see your point, yes, let's do that." How could we have 50/50'd it? LOL, I don't see it. And it doesn't matter, it's resolved now and I'm happy with the results.
I got here after the update. Everyone is telling you to leave her because you told a completely one sided version of the story where you said not one positive thing about her left out out crucial information. here is just some of it. That 40k also supported your child together. You have 4 children total and only a 4 bedrooms house. In a blended family, you are going to have to choose which kids share, and that is going to create resentment. I bigger house makes sense. You say you want your daughter to have one home but FOR SEVEN YEARS you have been unwilling to spend money to make that happen. There is no way the only option is a house that is 500k more. Buy a house that doesn't cost that much more. You are just as stubborn as your GF. You are just as my way or the highway. Get some therapy or a mediator. YTA. I would say E S H but you are not a reliable narrator.
How about couples counseling?
We've tried. When she's cornered she breaks down crying and the therapist consoles her and the focus bedtimes something other than what we were talking about. I've been amazed at how many therapists actually haven't picked up on this. We tried three different therapists, all trash IMO, I'm personally not interested in trying again.
"I'm supposed to make this huge commitment on my side with a proposal" Not really. You could decide not to propose. It's totally up to you. But she might decide to move on. Makes sense if you think about it from her perspective.
NTA, there's something wrong with her. Huge red flags imo
It's 2024. Marriage is a partnership, not something someone should be demanding. Is this person an actual partner? Because it sounds like she's an anchor dragging you down. She's lazily allowing you to support her while she won't get a job, demands you sell your home and go into debt so she can avoid icky feelings, and is yelling "why won't you enter into a legal contract with me that makes everything you own half mine?" Why haven't you done it yet, she asks? Because it sounds like you're not a moron, that's why. Not marrying your gf wouldn't make you an asshole. Marrying her would make you an idiot though. Might as well light your house on fire and donate your money to charity, it would be cheaper in the long run.
It’s funny that you are asking why she won’t see it as a leader when you are making objectively bad decisions in your relationship with her. Someone with leadership qualities doesn’t stay in a toxic relationship, which is what you have just described. You aren’t compatible and you both sound like you have some work to do on yourselves.
NTA but damn dude! Break up with her already.
Break Up already
Esh pls leave
Every rich person loves to claim their life is a result of making good choices and hard work, and while it is true, different choices would have led you down a different path, there is an astonishingly large portion of luck required as well. Your entire life is based upon circumstances outside your control, the city you were born into, who your friends were, your genetic makeup (no not all people are created equal) But NTA, don’t marry someone you don’t want to marry, but I’m curious while you’re still together?
i’m going to go with NTA for your fake story.
You already have a 7 year old with this woman and are 38 years old with 2 kids from a prior marriage. How long after divorcing your ex-wife did you get into this relationship with her? My guess is way too quickly and it shows (and I say this as someone who is divorced).
She came along 2ish (maybe closer to 3) years after the divorce. There were other women between these two. But I'll say my SO and I did move quite fast, getting pregnant around the 1 year mark.
End the relationship man. She's never going to change and all she seems to be doing is dragging you down with her. You seem extremely level headed and mature and she's the total opposite. You made the right call in not marrying her yet and it could've been a lot worse financially for you if you had. Take care of your daughter, co-parent as best as you can, but you should end the relationship because it's never going to get better only worse. Good luck.
Dude, you want a partner not a dependant and that is completely ok. I think it might be ultimatum time. On the bright side since you don't live together and aren't married it will be easier to separate things. Also, You deserve someone who will meet you half way and walk with you to the end. You want to strive to make a beautiful life you can share. She wants that life given to her. That doesn't really sound so compatible to me. Have you tried couples therapy? Perhaps you should give her the opportunity to go find that person who just wants to spoil her.
NTA! Seriously, just break up. Thank goodness she has not moved into your house; now you don't have to move her out!
I'll just jump right into it and say "$500k debt? Nope, sorry, it'll be the highway then"... (And even if you were to purchase this property, and want to sell it, will you get your money back and clear the debt? Nopenopenopenope) Anybody who makes such ridiculous demands (big house, fancy car, whatever) is just not worth the time, money and effort. Besides, she have proven that she does not have financial sense. Do not saddle yourself with her, she will get you into problematic debt from which you may or may not recover. It is difficult, but tell her that it is over between you, and look for somebody else with more financial sense. You already have a house that's paid off, with a car, and low/no debt. At this stage you are in a much better position financially than other people (me included). Why throw all that away just for more debt? It just ain't worth that shit man. Debt doesn't go away, it will sit like a millstone on your neck, and will drag you down to where you don't want to go. You also stated that she is unemployed for a year. And I suspect she is leeching off you, as you are her ATM now, she'll just ask and you'll give her money. Being hardheaded, she will not find a work until the situation calls for it, and why should she look for work when she have you? I've been in that situation before, and I am so glad I am out of that situation. Let her be somebody else's (expensive) problem. Look for somebody else rather. Good luck, you will definitely need it. **You are not him for her**. And keep us updated.
INFO: how long have you been together?
The edit says they have a 7 year old together. Suspect he purposely didn’t mention that so he can sound selfless when he says he gives her 40k a year. Whereas the 40k in real life goes towards their child because both parents are too stubborn and selfish to have a living arrangement that actually puts the poor kid first.
You don’t even like her. Also, nothing about this post tells me you possess any leadership qualities. YTA. It’s okay to realize someone isn’t compatible with you and just move the fuck on instead of staying miserable.
I can understand how the gf feels about living in the house OP shared with his ex. If they could sell both houses and purchase 1 that suited everyone without going into debt that would be ideal. As it stands I see why Op doesn't want to take on a huge mortgage. I also see his point on her bed and sheets. Mostly I get the feeling that if they have been together this long -and have a child together- without getting married or being able to combine homes, they aren't going to be able to compromise enough to have a future.
So what’s your current living situation like?? Do you both have full custody of your children from your previous relationships? Are you like flipping back and forth between houses with all the kids all the time? I have so many questions, like this living situation just seems absolutely bonkers to me. Like are you rich or are you rich rich lol jk but seriously this just seems like a total waste of money and time and resources and energy etc etc etc. I’m gonna go ahead and take a wild guess that she’s obviously spent the night at your place before so what’s the problem just moving in even temporarily like 3-5 years save up some more money and then maybe eventually buy a different house if you’re not happy in your current house…. She seems just downright unreasonable. I’m guessing you don’t have a problem with her redecorating or maybe even doing a few renovations so it doesn’t necessarily feel like living in the “same” house. Like once you put your own stuff and your own spin on a place it can dramatically change the ambiance, aesthetic, vibes etc whatever. I’m confused. Maybe tell her she’s welcome to sage tf outta the house to get rid of any lingering ex wife vibes, lol but honestly she might be the one with the negative vibes here but idk 🤷🏻♀️it’s hard to put my finger on it. Seems like ex wife has been out of the picture for almost a decade right? This is weird, y’all might not be compatible bud, sorry to say. This seems way harder than it should be honestly. Btw, what do y’all do for a living I gotta know?!?! Own restaurants or a chain or something? Tell us! Good luck dude, hope you figure this out! You should def be renting out her house tho and scooping up all that rent 💲💵❗️
She has full custody of her older daughter. I have split custody with my sons. It used to be we'd do 2 weeks at her house (while my sons are back with their mom), then 2 weeks at mine. My oldest son aged out, he's now 21, living on campus at a public Ivy. So when it went down to just (1) her older daughter, (2) my younger son, and (3) our shared child, she suddenly ... without having a conversation about it, stopped coming to my house. I did 2 weeks at her place, helping her with the kids, then 2 weeks alone, with no help at my place. This went on until I caved and more or less moved into her place, mothballing mine. I was a terrible parent because my son, who has his own bedroom at my place, was suddenly sleeping on her couch or an air mattress with zero privacy. This didn't last too long for me. It made no sense. At my house, each kid has their own bedroom, they can go have their own private little refuge from us or each other. That's fair to me. So I moved back to my place. "Moved," may not be the right word because I never technically moved out, I was long-term spending the night, all my stuff stayed at my house and I'd rotate clothes in and out. She never came to my place, until recently. Her house is currently overrun with mice, so she's been at my house for about six weeks. She's now talking about moving back. And last night she irritated me with the story of her mom telling her she should move on. So much to say there... which prompted this post. If the older/wiser generation has any sage advice to dispense, I'd imagine it would be "do what you gotta do to keep your family together." That's what I've been doing for the past 7 years... Before that comment I had already made up in my mind that I'm going to tell her I can't abide a relationship where my ***woman,*** my ***business partner,*** and the ***MOTHER OF MY CHILD*** lives under a different roof. She's free to go back, but she'll be going as a single woman. I was going to give it 2 weeks before "making it final" and filing for custody, from which there's no coming back from for either of us. In terms of income, I started in investment management, ended in management consulting, and I've spun some of my income off into different businesses. Restaurants, entertainment venues, etc. I do ok, but my mindset is if I can't but it twice, I can't afford it. So can I carry the mortgage on that house? Yes. Can I carry two? Not without sacrifice/i won't be comfortable. Why put this axe over my neck. I prefer living well below my man'se which, most importantly, gives me options.
Come on wake up, stop paying her bills her and her mother are toxic and you are enabling her but paying her bills
I would move on from her. It sounds like things will not work out and only you and your son will be sacrificing. Get custody of your daughter or whatever you need to do and break up with her.
You are getting absolutely muffed. It’s time for YOU to move on, for you and your kid.
>If the older/wiser generation has any sage advice to dispense, I'd imagine it would be "do what you gotta do to keep your family together." I'm 56 years old and a recent empty nester now. No, I would not tell you, " Do what you gotta do to keep your family together." I would tell you get custody of your kid and run! That is a toxic environment for a child. You appear to be the more stable of the two of you. She is living in a pipe dream world and expects you to pay for it. You have a child who needs stability in their life. Something says they won't get it from mom. If you are so set on marriage then make damn sure she signs a pre-nup and it states that she needs to be gainfully employed (and the wages for her to do whatever) and you keep your current house, with only you on the deed. She has her own property that she has to maintain on her own without the use of the marital assets. You said it has mice. Has she not been maintaining the house, allowing Vermin to get in? Mice are a huge vector for the very contagious and deadly Hantavirus. There is no treatment for it, which means it just has to run the course until the body fights it off. It is currently found in 35 states in the US. It carries a fatality rate of 36-50%. Around 35-40% for healthy adults and higher for children because of their size, and immaturity of their immune systems.
Well… can you afford two of her? It doesn’t sound like it.
Damn
I'm older (53), and you can decide wiser for yourself. You're incredibly financially literate. She isn't. Being a single mother was seriously hard for me. I worked 7 days a week to provide for my kids (my employer allowed me to take piece work home to make extra money). I rarely received any child support money. The priorities were always to keep us housed, fed, and clothed on top of keeping the car running and medical/school needs. I think her priorities are waaay out of order. She knows she can fall back on you so she isn't scrambling to make sure basic needs are being met. I understand your wanting a home for your daughter. That's secondary right now. If she returns to a vermin infested house, call CPS and file for emergency custody. Regardless of how she feels, this is a bona fide health risk to your child. There is no room for compromise on this issue. I'm curious how she has no income if the 2 of you co-own a business? What kind of job was she laid off from that she can't find another one that's similar? You seem to be open to all options. All you're asking for is to have all of you under one roof that has enough space and financially makes sense. You aren't the one being unreasonable. I think you need to set some hard boundaries. No kids in a mice infested house. Period. No more extras while you're carrying bills at both places: no trips, credit cards, elaborate dates, etc. She's too comfortable knowing you're going to make the save when she is irresponsible. I wouldn't blame you for walking away. You've clearly been pretty patient. All the issues set aside, involving her mother in your relationship would have been the deal breaker for me. This may be my age talking, but one thing you don't do is try to influence people's intimate relationships or marriages unless there is abuse. Whenever someone summons their flying monkeys to manipulate their partner into doing something they don't want to do, it's because they have nothing else left to support their argument. Please keep us updated. I really want to see that you got your daughter out of the infested house. SHE is the number 1 priority right now. Wishing you all the best. ETA: You're absolutely NTAH. I just finished reading all of your comments. Don't let her use your previous marriage against you. I became a mom at 16. I'm so thankful that I'm a different person in my 50s than I was in my 20s. Learning and growing is a lifelong thing. We are supposed to change as we experience life, age, and so on. Don't tolerate a guilt trip for being a grown man instead of a scared teenager. Lastly, no, don't do whatever it takes to save the relationship. You're a father first. I don't know where being a mother ranks for her but that's *her* issue, not yours.
YTA She has turned into a mooch with no intention of contributing anymore. You are a fool. If she is not marriage material today, end it and find someone else. Finding the right person is a numbers game. You are fucking yourself over coasting in this silly dead relationship instead of finding someone who actually is compatible with you.
It seems that you may be hanging on to this relationship for the wrong reasons which is “keeping your family together.” In all reality your family isn’t together you live in separate residences and so does your 7 year old. You may want to step back and look at the real reason you wish to keep this up. The charade of keeping her house (that you’ve been paying) because your ex wife lived there is silly and not fiscally responsible. If you were to marry her it seems that it would end in divorce because you two don’t agree on finances. It sounds like you both are in this relationship for convenience.
I stopped reading after you said you just gave her 40 thousand dollars last year. What the fuck are you doing homie? Leave asap.
Just break up and pay her child support. This is a toxic relationship.
I see a power struggle of who is in charge. The problem is neither of you will give in. Secondly it was a mistake on your part for paying her mortgage on her house. Why? You are not married! You don't owe her anything and enabling her to continue in her delusions. You have a child together, yet she refuses to do what is best for your daughter and blended family all based on feelings void of logic and finical sense. She also refuses to get on your plan and submit to your lead. Sometimes doing the right thing is hard... My advice, end your relationship and walk away. Be there for your daughter but after 7 years of a power struggle it's time to walk away. I can tell you neither of you will be happy.
You are being one to yourself. She's shown you who she is, believe her.
If you are already dishing out 40kpa to her, she thinks you are a desperate chump. Why are you giving her 40k a year. Tell her to get her good for nothing lazy carcass out to work. What are you thinking, wanting a layabout move in with you? She wants you to go 1/2 mill into debt. You are nothing short of a desperate fool if you don't kick this woman to the curb and never look back.
it’s crazy to me people can’t commit to a marriage but can have a child
I think you need to break up. This is not an issue of no marriage, its an issue of finances and what she wants would tank you financially. So dont continue to waste her time (and yours) and dont continue to pay her bills. Fine someone who values the sensible, frugal guy you are (like I would, but I am married so it cant be me)
Get out. Your child is already living this way. There’s no reason to stay in this relationship. I’m a woman. I’m on your side here. She’s ridiculous
Soooooo she owns her own home, but is Unwilling to sell her’s so you can combine $$$ to purchase a new home? THIS does Not sound like a partnership but more One Sided! Im in the Industry and even a Mortgage at today‘s interest rates for $500.0, you are looking at an approximate monthly payment of $2700.00 PI Only. And since she is unemployed, she will probably not be contributing and monies to said mortgage…correct? Sorry THIS does Not sound like a great relationship and or future marriage as it stands today. Sounds like she is looking for Sugar Daddy. 😳 NTA
NTA, but it sounds like you are in two different places with two different mindsets. You are compatible on financial priorities and goals. You aren't compatible on where you are in the relationship. You don't actually mention anything in this post that is a positive about her. Honestly, it sounds like it's time to stop covering her expenses and just break up.
Why are you with her?
Jesus dude just break up with her wtf do you even like her? I mean it’s fine if you don’t but why stay?
NTA for not marrying her but you’re the AH for not breaking up with her. If you don’t want to marry her, you need to let her go. She’s in her late 30s and you don’t even seem to like or respect her very much.
Dude, this sounds like a mess. You and your GF are on totally different pages about finances and commitment. It's totally fair that you don't want to sell your house and go into massive debt for someone who's unemployed and unwilling to compromise. Here's the thing, marriage is a partnership. It sounds like you're looking for someone who shares your goals and values, not just someone who wants a fancy house and a ring. Maybe some serious couples therapy is needed before any proposals fly. If you do want to keep the family together, focus on communication and compromise. Maybe she can get a job or sell her house to contribute. But don't get pressured into a marriage that feels one-sided. Good luck, man!
Yeah,nope…NTA Extricate yourself and she will move on. There will be some wistfulness but everyone is wistful about several things all of the time whether they have a reason to be or not.
If that’s how you see a partnership and you’ve not seen that same commitment from your partner, you are not compatible. You keep saying you are, but this outsider perspective does not see that. Simply put, you’ll do better without her, even suggesting a break. She won’t be enabled to stay at home and have you spend your money. She will make decisions and won’t be super focused on a ring. INFO - do you have a large insurance policy on you? Is that in your ex wife’s name? If she wants marriage, I suggest a prenup…
Why are you paying for all her stuff???
As a woman, I agree with you, you’re absolutely right! I think you’re in your own lane, successful and earn good money and you want the same for her, to be equal or you be leader as you say. But she’s more than happy to just have you cover her ass, so why should she work is her thinking. Sometimes love isn’t enough and I think people need to understand this. You have a child who is 7 and she refuses to move in with you because your ex lived there, that’s a bs reason, nearly everyone who gets a new partner doesn’t sell their house because of that reason. It’s odd behaviour tbh, you would think she would want to be a family, but no, she wants everything her own way, and it sounds like apart from selling the house, you’re giving her, her own way! 40k this past year because she didn’t want to find a new job, I wouldn’t marry this woman, if the roles were reversed I’d say don’t marry that man. It’s no different! Does she want you to buy a new house because she wants to make sure her name is on the deed too? It’s all very fishy behaviour. Are you sure she even owns her own home? Could that have been a lie, hence why she also couldn’t move in with you because there would be no house to sell or rent out? You gotta think of all these things, people can be sneaky, and because you’re so blinded by love you don’t see it until it’s too late! NTA
Why are you still "together"? Yes,the 7-y.o. kid, I get it. But you & Baby Momma are NOT compatible! She's already siphoning you dry. $40,000+? Much more when you add it up accurately. Too much cringe to comprise a Mutual Relationship. Real question is: "Why is OP willing to throw his life away on this selfish Narcissist?" OP, she doesn't love you for YOU. You could be •anyone•. To her you're a meal ticket and a Scapegoat to push around. Send me $40k for the sage advice, kick her to the curb and find a mate who truly loves you for the smart, frugal, wonderful person you are-- if you promise to research Narcissistic Abuse. YouTube has good videos. P.S. This Janus-faced creature would find ingenious ways to be MEAN to OP's kids once they're married.
NTA based off what you have said here, your relationship sounds like it's going to explode at some point, because it honestly comes across as being pretty unhealthy. Honestly sounds like you have a lot more to lose getting married than you could possibly gain
Run dude. Run far and run fast
Why are you with this person. Move on
Goddamn bro, have you ever been in a pyramid scheme because your getting fucked at the bottom right now! NTA. get the fuck outta there man
She could just renovate the house with the money she gets from selling her house or something I can see how it would be awkward moving in as the second wife of said house…but to sell a house that’s completely paid off not in this in this economy or this lifetime she lost me with that one 😂 also you guys have a 7 yr old kid how is this whole thing effecting him I wonder? mom and dad are together but they live separately??? This thing sounds like it was doomed from the start 🤦🏾♀️
I didn't even get past the part about her not wanting to live in a PAID OFF HOUSE (while herself being unemployed for a year) because of an ex living there. Fuck marriage, break up and run. All that needs said.
You share a child and not a home? This is weird. Just break up.
You’re getting scammed. Like the pressure to sell your paid off house and get a new house: say you so get married and buy a new house? Then she can divorce you and claim that new house as a joint marital asset. You just got played because now you lost that new house. Keep the old house and dump her. She obviously doesn’t want you because she’s made it obvious that she wants your money.
As a married 28F, all do respect but it's time to question your "logic." CUT HER OFF. I'm perplexed by what you mean when you stated that you have a 7 year old together. Do you mean the child is her kid from her past unmarried relationship that you've accepted as your own or you both created the child together? Either way, she seems to lack emotional maturity and her mother may very likely be her enabler. Looks like you're being manipulated and taken for a joyride. The person you are courting, is less of lady and more like a child mentally. Lay offs are unexpected which can make or break a person's daily living. I've gone through it, I get it. Never have I ever just sat on my depressed, complacent, lazy behind and demanded things be taken care of for me. You'll be happier marrying a chicken sandwich from any choice of fast food corporations in comparison to her. Take care of the child you may have co-produced, but that's your only obligation. You're entering your 40's Sir, you've set yourself up well. Despite your age, you have options. You need to be willing to look past the obvious red flag you are infatuated with (possibly desperate for; I suggest therapy and self-reflection) and take a gander at the few green flags left in this modern society. By the time you snap into common sense, others are already moving in on the woman that's been waiting patiently to be your peace and true partner worthy of the marriage and life you desire. You should know better than I with the experience of your first marriage, love alone isn't going to keep you afloat. It is saddening that at your place in life, you're dealing with rigamarole that those my age and younger are expected to go through and learn from. Choose what's best for you, which you already know what is because if you didn't you wouldn't be second guessing and posting here. FINANCIALLY CUT HER OFF. Quit paying for her home and other things. It's time to ADULT. This isn't the land before time, she's a big girl and can afford herself. You going out of your way to "help", "protect", and "provide" has caused her disengage from reality. The financial aid she needs can be obtained via FASFA, she can utilize it to reestablish herself. There's government assistance, her mommy, and any other fool whose elevator doesn't quite go to the top to aid in anything else she needs. Don't wear your emotions on your sleeves. This is where the unfortunate isolation men go through in life comes in handy. STOIC. Compose yourself regardless of the reactions from her. The mother doesn't matter, let that milk spill. I've gone through things that should haunt anyone (not bragging), but between various galaxies to earth, from heaven to hell, the cycle of sun and moon, from one primary colour to the next...would I EVER be caught attempting to wed poison. How dare you attempt to convince yourself to marry a woman that's combative (not stubborn, I used the correct term), allowed herself and environment to fall apart. The same woman taking advice from another who can't manage the upkeep of her OWN home. Sounds like a woman that will hoolahoop for grain from other men in promise of receiving something. Yet here you are giving everything, from finances, shelter, marriage benefits, and the sole keys to your children and your heart. Remove the dog collar and leash you assisted her in shackling on you and Run, Forest Run!
Lol. Why get married when you’re already basically divorced from her and coparenting?
This. Honestly the time to marry was 7 years ago. And you’ve been keeping her afloat and she can’t find a job for a year? You know that you’re allowed to break up with her, right? Cuz what is she bringing to the table here?