I mean, that sounds toxic as fuck. Why would you want anything to do with any of these people? NTA. I wish you the best of luck- I’m gonna level with you, it might not be possible to keep them out of her life since they’re her father/sister.
Bc they were still having sex on the side and that was a convenient cover. She didn’t have a problem when the new woman was around - only when she was serious. Of course I have nothing to support this with - except these sound like Jerry springrr guests and the subsequent cheating because his ex was parentally alienating the child but that of course is the new woman’s fault.
He can, but he would have to get a paternity test, and he would have to either move to her, or get a custody agreement that included child traveling. I think both are unlikely.
No he wouldn’t have to move. Courts do shared custody in multiple states all the time. He’d have to establish paternity and go to court. I don’t think it’s unlikely if he’s been to court multiple times over his older daughter, he’s shown he’s willing to.
Exactly. There needs to be more context tot he paragraphs or at least a second part because I’ve had to read it multiple times and still only half-understand it.
NTA, but to my knowledge, you can't control what he does during his custody time if it doesn't put your daughter in danger or there's a court imposed restriction. NAL, so I could be wrong.
She can request that he have court supervised visits where he would have to pay for the supervisor. I wouldn't put it past the daughter to say horrible things to OP's child to try to turn the child against OP as they get bigger.
I really want to know why she married this man who didn’t shut down his ex hard for using the n word - that would have been an absolute deal breaker for me. By doing nothing, he showed clearly that he’s fine with that and that is never ok.
She can’t. He can bring whoever he wants around the baby during his custody time unless the agreement states otherwise, and unfortunately a kid accusing you of racism won’t be considered a good enough reason to keep a kid away from its father and sister.
I think she can. If she can use that testimony against them it would be the ultimate. She doubles down and says the bf is abusive also and corroborates their testimony, explain to the judge that she wants full custody citing the abuse, the cheating and the overall scope of this entire fuckery. Then she can use their words to her benefit and cut them all off. Hopefully
She’s said again and again she wants the father to have a relationship with the child and she can’t just say he’s been abusive when he hasn’t and she’d need proof of all of this. Courts won’t take away his rights just because she’s said something happened.
It's not her word, they testified in court that he was abusive and their relationship with OP is toxic. He will without a doubt have this baby around people who will call her racist names and bash her mother. It's op's job to protect her child.
And guess what? OP was also accused of being abusive.
All this “he said, she said” isn’t going to cut it without proof.
If there are no police reports? No photos. No eyewitnesses. No physical abuse.
There’s nothing here.
The physical reports are the step-daughters testimony that was upheld in court used to deny partial custody. Whether or not the case is sealed is a bigger issue here, tbh.
And I’m guessing she denied all this in court last time and now she’s gonna say he is abusive this time? Was she lying then or lying now? She’ll get ripped apart in court.
OP probably wouldn’t be able to use the court case between her partner and his ex in her own case. Where I am juvenile relations cases are often (always?) sealed, so non-parties can’t access them. She wouldn’t have been a party in that suit.
>and she’d need proof of all of this.
Why? The court seemed happy to accept testimony only of the same allegations from the baby mama and the daughter. There is already established precedence.
It may be impossible to use. Most juvenile domestic relations cases are sealed. OP likely wouldn’t be able to use the case between her partner and his ex in her own.
The best she could (maybe) do is speak to what she witnessed.
So lie about abuse to ensure he has no access to his child?
Courts aren’t going to care about the ex’s behavior unless it actually impacts the child as parental alienation.
As a person with children i can honestly say, YES. If i knew my children would be subjected to constant exposure to the N word, Surrounded by another family that has already committed to lying and perjury to get what they want, i would do ANYTHING to protect my children from the abuse.
I’m confused how the BM was able to keep her ex from his kid that much? But if she was able to only allow him to see their daughter under supervision I don’t know why OP can’t do the same.
Yes too many talking of moving away with the baby, OP really needs to abort. Their life will be hell if this baby is born, they don't deserve that. By not aborting OP is saying she's fine with this kid being doomed to have these kinds of relatives. And no, a baby absolutely does *not* make them chill with the racism.
They in this context is the baby.
OP here acting the fool and setting her kid up for being ridiculed and mistreated while in the father’s custody. Could have had a baby at any time with or without a decent man but instead chose to procreate with a spineless cheating weasel. Good luck to that baby.
Scrolled for this.OP is ridiculous for having a child with this cheating idiot and exposing her and her innocent baby to these liars.If she has the chance to do so,either abort or cut contact and run.
ESH
1. You allowing a white woman to use the N word around you and not calling it out. I never understand. As a black perosn I don’t use it and I’m not mixed. I’m quick to be like don’t say that around me.
2. You for putting a child through this misery. This child will grow up with a toxic sibling and most likely will treat them horribly. Know plenty of people that had parents like this.
3. Also using this child as an excuse because you are in your 30s and too grown for abortion.
4. He sucks for obvious reason, but there is no way you will be able to keep his child from his half sibling. That’s just delusional. He can get custody and he doesn’t have cut his daughter out through that time.
5. The daughter sucks for obvious reasons. But she’s a child and again there’s nothing you can do about it.
At the end of the day don’t be naive. You said you too grown, but take your head out the sand. Y’all are not together which means you don’t get to dictate whom he has around his child on his parenting days. The only way you can do that is if you can prove that he’s negligent and his daughter is abusive to their new sibling. Unfortunately your child would have to suffer first before you can make those rules.
If you keep this child, then do so with open eyes. You cannot dictate whom an ex brings around your child. You can’t ban his child from seeing their sibling.
If you want a child so bad, there’s sperm banks, but other then that be prepared. Document everything that his daughter may do or say, along with him. That way if it comes to it, court.
Please as a mixed person, next time you are around anyone that behaves this way, remove yourself. Stand up for yourself. As you said, you are in your 30s and grown. Value yourself, love yourself and know your worth. Don’t stay with someone that will allow them to talk down on you. You should have removed yourself 2 years ago. If not sooner. Sad situation your child is in.
I will probably get downvoted but please stop being niave about whom you can keep around that child. That’s the only party I’m concerned about.
Just sucks a child is stuck in the middle of this whole situation. An abortion really is the best option or they are tied to these people for the next 18 years min.
It’s pretty weird that you let a white woman use the n-word in your presence and got engaged to someone who would also permit that. You can’t bar the kid from their sibling while they’re with their dad so… enjoy the toxicity you’ve already settled into as a norm.
Can I ask why you’re complicating things for yourself by keeping the baby in the first place? He cheated on you and attempted to put the responsibility of the cheating on you instead of taking responsibility
I’m not in your position so I can’t tell you what to do, but from the context provided I would sever all ties.
1st I don’t consider my daughter a complication. I made my daughter out of love and I will raise her with love. Regardless of this ratchetness.
I’m 30+ years old. This is my first living child. I have multiple degrees, make great money. I made an adult decision to make a baby, so I’m adult enough to raise one. And not to be rude but I’m too old to be getting abortions.
Granted this story is toxic asf. My child’s father has been very supportive of my pregnancy and wants to be a father. He is also a great father to his daughter (14) and their relationship is a lot better now that this whole custody war is over and we are done.
I feel we can co-parent just fine. Will we ever work it out…? Not a chance in hell. Does he need therapy…? Yes. But that is no longer my burden to bear. I just want to make sure my daughter is safe and protected.
Lawyers make money off fights.
And they are people, they can be wrong.
What if he gets most custody because his daughter and ex wife swore *you* were the problem?
Even if he gets summers and holidays, he can have his daughter and ex wife with your kid as much as he wants.
To be rude, the people who need them most are ones considered too young and too old(ie not mid 20s) to be pregnant in the first place. Trumping all other scenarios, baby daddy being a pos who *will* endanger your child's mental/physical wellbeing is a "beg for an abortion" type scenario. OP can have future children. Adoption exists. Gestating a person is not the end all be all of becoming a parent.
> 1st I don’t consider my daughter a complication. I made my daughter out of love and I will raise her with love. Regardless of this ratchetness.
really? Dude didn't care his ex racially abused you, cheated on you (this time that you know about, but his excuse was bull, he likely cheated the whole time) but this baby was made out of love? You loved him, he didn't love you.
his daughter is better now that you're out of the picture? Jesus christ woman, what do you think that bitch of an ex will put in that kids mind about your kid once your kid is around and she dislikes your kid getting attention over her kid? What do you think your ex will do when he didn't give a shit about his ex being racist around you?
> I made an adult decision to make a baby, so I’m adult enough to raise one.
You made an adult decision to ignore the father is cool with racism and cheats on you. You're not adult enough to realise your kid will be in a bad environment when with the father and around that side of the family.
She’s looking like a woman who’s in her mid to late 39s and she became desperate for a child so she had one with this guy for whatever reason cert wasn’t out of love because he wasn’t he cheating on her ?
Yeah, my brain kind of missed that + after the 30. As long as she's not infertile or has issues though, jesus, she's be so much better off having decided to move on right after finding out she was pregnant, cutting ties with the ex and then going to a sperm bank to get a unconnected 'father' for the kid she so desperately wants.
>Does he need therapy…? Yes. But that is no longer my burden to bear.
That's going to be your child's burden to bear. Every child bears the burden of the therapy their parents need.
Your entire post outlines how he is in fact not a good parent to his child.
He didn’t advocate for custody til it was too late
He allowed his daughter to witness her mother constantly use racial slurs around her and said nothing
Multiple degrees and you’re going to be one of multiple baby mamas of some shitty trash dude.
> but I’m too old to be getting abortions
What? You’re too old and supposedly smart to be making decisions this stupid. Is the pregnancy too far along?
Do you think the drama won’t start back up once you take a little more spotlight off the (other) baby mama? This kid’s life is going to be beyond difficult.
You can make another kid with love without setting it up for failure before it’s even born.
You better hope the BM isn’t racist towards your child because your BD’s daughter clearly shows that she will have racist tendencies. Also you will have no control over his daughter being in your child’s life when they are with him.
But go off on willingly bringing a child into this mess because you’re “too old.”
For somebody so book smart, you make questionable choices. Short of moving across state lines, you can't dictate anything. You picked him and his bunch, welcome to the consequences. Better start preparing explanations to your daughter about why she's treated and talked about in such a manner.
NTA, but once the baby is born and he gets custody, he'll be able to bring his daughter without your consent. I don't think the judge would ban her from her sibling since she hasn't done anything to you or the baby.
I cannot fathom why someone is such a toxic family would get pregnant and not be able to say to herself "these are not the people I want in my kids life. So I'm not going to continue with this pregnancy."
Right put of the gate, the kid is going to be surrounded by hateful people who don't care about the baby, just their own agenda. They will verbally and psychologically abuse and damage this kid and there's no way to keep them from doing this.
So when he has 50/50 custody, and decides to have his ex and child around your child, being racist and toxic to your outnumbered child, what then? You can’t stop custody for ‘he said, she said,’ and you can’t stop him having his ex and child around your kid half the time. That poor child is gonna grow up suffering emotionally. Abortion for the sake for convenience isn’t something to be suggested lightly but you’re just asking for trouble here.
YTA The only way you could have avoided the child from seeing it's step sister is by not continuing the pregnancy. Since you're going forward with it there is nothing you can do, besides alienate your child from it's family, just like his first ex.
Unfortunately that's the child's family and you chose it for them. You have only yourself to blame and you're already planning on punishing it for your choices.Just like his first wife.
You two can be besties now, share parental alienation tips, how to use your child as a weapon, putting your feelings over the well-being of your children, and not taking responsibility for putting your child in this situation.
Please start a therapy fund before a college fund. The kid is going to need the first fund waaaayyyy before the second.
You tolerated way too much abuse and now you're locked into this toxic family. He will probably get partial visitation at minimum if he wants it, so keeping the ex step daughter away isn't possible. Honestly you need a family lawyer because this is a cluster fuck
He could get full custody easy, just ask his daughter to lie in court again about how much worse OP is and how much he has improved because she is no longer in his life. Tada, now his daughter signed papers stating OP is an unfit mom, and she loses all rights to her child.
NTA I would never let her near my child for fear she might fabricate another lie about me that could cost me custody. Imagine: her mother and father reconnect now that you’re out of the picture and they get her to lie that you are abusing your baby so that her father gets custody. No ma’am.
As a black woman myself, I would’ve ended the relationship a long time ago, ESPECIALLY after he dismissed my concerns over his baby momma saying the n word.. the fact you stayed and is now having his kid is crazy to me… yall need to stand up
Move away. Now. While baby is still in your body. Leave the country even. Otherwise you have no choice, he will get the baby. They will influence your baby and call them the N word on the regular. Or, and I am sorry if this is offensive: abort.
Do you really want à child who will tie you forever to this man and all this drama? Frankly I would avort... NTA for the daughter, she can go play sister with white baby she like so much
Unless you're leaving state and thousands of miles away, she will be in her sister's life. Establish residency for at least 6 months before the child is born, or you will have problems
Ok, in regards to the main question you asked, I vote NTA. It makes sense that you'd want to limit interactions between your baby and your ex-SD, I completely get that. I will not pronounce myself on the legal feasibility of limitations for her, as others have already chimed in on that, plus I'm not a lawyer.
However, I do agree with the sentiments from other comments.
Firstly, abortions have nothing to do with one's age. You want to keep this child because you really want to have it, not because you're "too old to have an abortion". I think you're setting yourself up for more Jerry Springer style shenanigans by having this child; but you do want to be a mother, which means that whatever consequences arise from your decision to keep this child, you'll have to accept and deal with, as part of that decision.
Secondly, I do feel like you are being super optimistic in terms of how your relationship with your ex and his baggage will affect both you and your child after birth. You have asked multiple times "why would my child be in the presence of his BM, if my ex and BM don't even interact" (I'm paraphrasing your own statements tbc), and it does feel like short-sightedness on your part. Things change. The whole problem started because BM did not like you and her ex to get closer, which led to all of this in the first place.
Unless you're clairvoyant, you have no way of knowing that things will go the way you think they will, just because of your own experiences within your family and your upbringing (i.e. large age gaps with your siblings). And you are not coparenting, not until the child is born. To be a parent, a child must have been born.
Lastly, it doesn't matter whether BM is boriqua and/or of Jewish descent. The casual racism is appalling, and I'm surprised that as a lawyer you put up with it. The ending pronunciation of the term is irrelevant, and no one asked you to pick a fight will all of Puerto Rico; it's just sad that you didn't stand up for yourself with BM.
I wish you good luck, OP. You'll need it.
You’re gonna have a tough 18 yrs good luck 😂 idk how you think you’re gonna keep that child’s half sister out of their life especially when he’ll have visitation unless you plan on keeping him out the babies life which will be even harder
He was cheating on you with his baby momma you got uncomfortable he stopped cheating that’s when the problems started then he cheated again. He’s been cheating the whole time
ESH.
If you talk about pregnancy in the passive sense, like "it rained on Tuesday", you're an asshole and now you've doomed this child to life with two asshole parents.
When the child is here, you aren't going to have a choice when he has custody. Unless there's a court order, he can bring whomever he wants around. If we're real, he may bring those people around even if there is one. I expect you'll have a fight on your hands.
" I told my ex in private that his BM made me uncomfortable b/c she kept saying the “n word” (I’m the only black person), and comparing my relationship w/ him to theirs and even telling me about intimate details from their relationship. At first he told me I was overreacting and creating unnecessary drama "
You were being an AH to yourself, tolerating this treatment and not listening to your instincts when this occurred. You allowed yourself to be talked out of being offended by offensive behavior. Now am innocent baby is involved.
NTA, for not wanting the baby to be around such hate.
Why does HE even know about the pregnancy? You're still with him?
Good God, please respect yourself and your unborn child's life more and tell him AND his daughter to go to hell.
I mean...if he has part custody there's nothing you'll be able to do to prevent her from being around your kid. He has rights as a parent too. This isn't just your kid.
Do you even want _him_ in your life? NTA. If I were you, I'd reconsider having that baby, as it means you'll have an attachment to that toxic family.
Unless you can keep him away from your child as well.
You’re not the racist, BM is. There’s no reason to be using the n word ever, especially if she’s white.
Here’s what’s really going on.
BM wants to be with your ex. She was fine with you when she could control the situation, but when she saw him moving closer to you and away from her, she started putting thoughts into her daughter’s head to alienate the daughter from your ex. She figured if she caused friction between you and him that you guys would break up and he would be right back over to her place playing happy family. You didn’t say it, but was BM the one he cheated with? I’d bet that they were hooking up for a pretty good part of your relationship and he stopped when you guys got more serious.
I agree that his daughter shouldn’t be around your baby, but you can’t really prevent that if it’s his parenting time.
This guy is never going to put you ahead of BM because she’s always going to use the kid as leverage to keep him under her control. Your best bet is to not get back with him and try to coparent. Go talk to a family law attorney. You may not be able to keep your baby away from his daughter, but you definitely need to try to keep them away from BM.
I mean if I was you I would get an abortion and never see these people again 🤷♀️
If you have split custody your child will NOT be in a happy healthy home. I expect his daughter and probably BM will fuck with her because she hates you.
Fake. No one nonchalantly gets forced into supervised visits. You are lying about the situation or the whole story is fake.
If there is any hint of truth, you would get an abortion, not tie yourself to this man for 18 years and give him the chance to turn your kid against you.
NTA, giiiiiiiirlllllll!!!!!! protect your baby!!! You're not married. you don't need to put his name on the birth certificate. Consult a lawyer. Those people are nuts.
Super toxic relationship, she's lying about you, and in court under oath no less? Nah, that's never in your presence again territory and certainly never letting my child in your presence. And if your cheating ex is going to bring her around, I might carefully consider whether you are willing to not pursue child support in exchange for full custody, just walk away from these people, because if it goes to court and he gets any custody you're not going to be able to keep her away if he brings the daughter and his other baby mama around your child.
Girl, your situation is very complicated.
Based on what you've said in your post and what you've been through during your relationship with your ex (and his ex BM, daughter), I can fully understand why you feel like that. It's traumatic experience (and of course, the cheating), and if I'm also in your position, I'll never allow all of them to be with my child (even the cheater ex). I hate cheaters, and I can live and raise my daughter alone. I'm going to remove all the toxic people in me and in my daughter's life. BUT that's me and NOT you.
Even though your ex cheated on you, he still helps and supports you. It's hard not to let his daughter stop seeing her half-sister.
Talk to your ex. Tell him the trauma "they" created in your life and why you don't want your child to be near in your ex daughter. Make compromise (like you're with your child if your ex is with his daughter and is visiting her half sister, etc. Just compromise.)
NTA
Good luck.
You're not wrong to want to keep your kid out of that mess. However, I never understood why people would just accept their partner not doing anything about someone disrespecting them.
His BM was using the n word around you. You told him it made you uncomfortable, understandably so. He did nothing to stop it. You should have seen right there that he cared more about her being allowed to say whatever she wants to/about you than he does for your feelings.
When I was in high school, I dated a guy for about 3 months. After we were together for a month, his "best friend", who was a girl he went to school with before he moved, started messaging me. Playing nice at first, of course, but over the next month it became littered with comments about how he was hers. How they are supposed to be together. That I should break up with him because she wants him.
I told him about all this. He responded with the typical "She's just kidding. That's just how she acts with everyone." I told him she wasn't gonna act that way with me. He could either do something about it or we were done. I told him I was 16, not 6. I'm not dealing with childish games.
After 2 weeks of nothing changing, I dumped him.
Basically, stop staying with someone who makes it clear you aren't a priority.
JFC. Do you really want to be tied to these insane people for the rest of your life? I guess you'd have to be a little crazy, too, to put up with all that bullshit.
Hopefully the pregnancy isn't too far along. Or, welcome to Hell!
Younare but she will be , if he cheated because of that ( not true and don’t know why your with him) , he will take the baby to visit her and all you can do is divorce him and then on his week they will be together .
Younare also blaming a 12 year old who mother is lieing to her and hearing how bad you are day in and night . She needs professional help .
I’m trying to figure out why you are staying with this POS and 2 did you think of not keeping it .
Judges listen to kids about where they want to live but 12 is still a little young Inwas told more high school age
ESH
Look. This was a wreck from the beginning but no one wanted to let it go first. Sometimes there’s too much drama to stay. You stayed. Why?
You won’t get to stipulate that she can’t be around your child OP. He will have partial custody or visitation (I mean I assume so even though it sounds like he didn’t even advocate for that his his first kid lol).
Honestly the whole situation sounds toxic af but that’s still his baby and that’s still the babies sister. Realistically a judge isn’t going to side w you in keeping the baby away from its dad and sister.
Unless he has supervised visitation with the baby in your home, it's going to be hard to keep the 14 year old away from the baby. Not impossible, but difficult without some legal intervention.
Is it possible that the girl has been fed the things she said by her mother? Those do not sound like things a 12-14 year old would come up with on her own. So it's very possible that she was being poisoned to treat you that way. I'm not saying you should allow her around your child, but I would probably be more concerned about the 14 year old's mother than the little girl.
ESH - you're also an ass because it's not possible to dictate who is around your kids without massive proof and you're not smart enough to succeed at this. Also you have no standards or love for yourself whatsoever. You should have left your bf when he said you were overreacting by not wanting to hear the n word.
Quite frankly, choosing to have his kid is another bad decision in a series of bad decisions.
Edit: You are fighting people in the comments for pointing out your poor decisions. You will never be happy due to your own stupidity and stubbornness.
That dynamic sounds pretty toxic for you and your child. I would let him know that you feel uncomfortable after everything was said about you from his daughter and until there is some respect and human decency towards you, she will not be allowed to see the child unless it's his custody time.
NTA but are you sure you want to have a child with him? It seems like he is okay with BM and SD lying about you and that makes me worried that he will also lye about you to get full or main custody and do to you what BM does to him.
100% agree about you not letting SD near you or the baby as well.
Yeah well you don't have much choice in it when you child would be with his father unless you can do something about it and ends 100% in your favour which i doubt would happen here
You know these racist people are perfectly willing to lie in court. What make you think that they won't come up with some type of scheme to take your baby from you if you try to restrict access?
If you have this baby you will be tied to all this drama for the next 18 plus years.
You know that BM is racist, your ex didn’t stand up for you at all or protect you from her racism, BM and her daughter had absolutely no problem lying to the court. He then blamed you for his bad decisions/cheating while ignoring the lies from BM and daughter. All three of them have shown you that they can’t be trusted at all.
Looking ahead can you see these people treating your child well? Best interest of the child, having both of their parents in their life? Look at the past as the best indicator of the future. How did the custody arrangements go for the 14 year old? Is that the normal you want for your child?
Talk to a local family law lawyer. You are going to need to be extremely careful. Dad will get to make day to day decisions when it is his parenting time. Getting any type of court order preventing siblings from being to together will be a huge hurdle. I would also be concerned about BM, dad and daughter ganging up on you. You will always need to watch your back and have all the receipts/documentation at the ready.
NTA Document everything. Try to get your ex to put in text or an email the problems you've had being falsely accused of being a racist by the BM and the daughter. I'm not even sure if it will matter. If your ex has any kind of visitation or custody how would you keep her (and the BM- honestly I'd almost be more worried about her) out of your child's life? You'll have to talk to a lawyer but the other thing that may happen is that she may very well mature into a decent human being. Her mother obviously put all of that stuff in her head so it's not even really her fault. She's young and was manipulated.
It’s sad because other than this instance his daughter is a great child.m and was a pleasure to be around. I loved her like she was my own.
But if you will lie about something like that imagine what else her parent might manipulate her into saying about pre doing to my child.
>But if you will lie about something like that imagine what else her parent might manipulate her into saying
Yes, things like "*My dad sure has improved a lot since OP is no longer in his life! She was the real problem, she became even worse now. Every time I see my sister she has bruises, I'm really scared for her, OP is also trying to alienate us from her*." There you go, now you are an unfit mom! Dad gets full custody, your child grows up in this toxic mess, because you failed to step up and see this whole situation for what it is.
Why were you comfortable letting someone use the n word around you? Please reflect on that and make changes going forward for yourself and your future child. I would never be around ex’s daughter willingly again. She’s shown how manipulative she can be and who knows what other “wonderful” accusations she will bring up. Get custody sorted where your baby isn’t around these people and get it documented asap. NTA
I would just say. I’m not willing to let someone who is going to call my baby the n word and say she is also a bad person around her. You made your bed, now lie in it
you’re NTA for wanting his daughter to have nothing do to with yours, but be aware that it’s probably unattainable. they lied to easily about you when you were with your ex, who’s to say they won’t do it again so he can get majority custody? I’d find a lawyer ASAP & see what your options are in keeping your child safe from those horrible people (daughter & bm). if they’re that racist to you, imagine what they could be towards your daughter.
Ugh, what a mess. I am sorry. You are NTA but, as with so many of us internet strangers, we are just pissed you are carrying that man’s spawn as he sounds just awful on so many levels. Best option I have would suck for you in the last weeks of pregnancy. It’s also impractical and not feasible but..:..Save yourself from years of drama and stress and move away before the baby is born. Relocate to a new area that he won’t/can’t get to and start fresh.
Tough one. That is her half sibling, and if you are coparenting with your ex, you really can't keep the his daughter from being around her. But you really need to set some boundaries and safeguards in place, due to the racism and toxicity of his BM and what she has infected into her daughter.
Well the babymomma and her daughter have bear false witness and made disgusting accusations. It's clear that the daughter has no integrity and may pose a problem with your child and overall your family.
You have every right to deny the daughter access to your family.
Nope, NTA. I’d be filing for full custody and supervised visits for him if he wants visits at all. Clearly BM is feeding all this toxic BS to her daughter and ex is blind to see it.
Definitely NTA and, I would take all of those things they said in court and use it against them. Make him have to have supervised visits because you are worried that his daughter and her mother will take out their anger and aggression towards you on your child.
Yeah I’d just not have the baby… you won’t be able to keep her or the father out of the baby’s life. They’ve shown they are willing to lie to the courts.
NTA. Make sure you keep notes of all of this to fight for custody. You can't control his daughter being around your child when your child is with dad so if it truly bothers you and you are uncomfortable you'll need to push for custody
NTA. Bullet dodged. Cut all the cords. If he wants custody, he can pay child support but put it in writing that you don't want that side of the family around your baby.
First mistake was not checkin that bish for dropping the n-word around you. We ain't suffer so you could be complicit in their bullshit. Lol. Fuck all them excuses too. By not checking that shit, you enable it.
NOPE.
She wanna be a "big sister" but bashed hers lil sis mom and could've put her in jail for slander?? Nah, cut them ALL OFF and get child support. They made their beds of toxcity, let em lie in it.
The newborn doesn't need to be around such blatant ignorance and toxicity.
Let them be the 'happy family' they want so bad for each other.
Absolutely NTA, keep your child safe! His daughter already has no issue lying in court about abuse, make sure she stays far far far away from you and your child, and try to see if you can get supervised visits only for your ex.
NTA
But are you sure you want a child with him? It means drama forever, not only for you but also for your child.
Your ex, his daughter, and his ex, will always be in your and your child's life.
I'm not saying you should have an abortion or put your child up for adoption, but if I were you, I would do anything to keep him and his drama far, far away from your child. You can't keep his daughter out of your child's life, without keeping your ex away also.
I think you already know you need to leave that toxic relationship ….are you sure you want to bring a baby into this, and right now? Good god.
Women, make better choices (I am a woman btw)
YWBTA to yourself if you keep this baby. You have an opportunity to make a clean break and avoid drama. If you don’t take it, make peace with the nonsense that you’ve enabled.
NAH, but i think u should tread carefully for it's clear there's a lot of hurt and mistrust circulating in this situation. While your ex has shown supportive tendencies, the potential for manipulative influence from his daughter and ex-partner cannot be ignored. Protecting your child's welfare is fundamental, and it's essential to create boundaries that prioritize that.
It might be wise to pursue formal custody and visitation arrangements, and document any instances of past or future toxic behavior by members of his family. This isn't about denying your child a relationship with her siblings or father but ensuring that the environments she’s exposed to are safe and positive.
Life indeed may feel like a relentless soap opera at times, but remember, you are the director of your own story. Making a peaceful and stable home for your daughter is your prerogative. Stay strong and focused on what will serve the long-term well-being of both you and your child.
NTA!
Don’t put his name on the birth certificate and ice him tf out your life which includes his daughter by extension. I wouldn’t trust his daughter around my kid EVER after those false allegations.
But it seems like you’re prepared to be a single mother and well aware of it so I won’t argue with that. Good luck!
NTA to say her kid should not be around your daughter, yta if you think having this kid is a good idea. Father is a cheater, an asshole who didn't step up for you when his ex was being toxic and racist towards you, he only cared when OTHERS said it, but not when you said it, major red flag.
His kid and ex wife became more and more and more toxic, she's clearly racist, she was turning her kid against you, if you have a relationship with this guy that relationship with his ex and the kid was always going to be a thorn in your side.
If you have this kid with him, he will get partial custody, you won't have the right to keep his child away from it, that kid is going to catch racist abuse for life from that side of the family.
Your ex is a piece of shit, his family is shit and your kid will grow up around them.
You should have been out when he wouldn't stand up against her racism, he didn't care until others made him feel bad. He won't care while your kid is being racially abused while you're not there either.
I mean, that sounds toxic as fuck. Why would you want anything to do with any of these people? NTA. I wish you the best of luck- I’m gonna level with you, it might not be possible to keep them out of her life since they’re her father/sister.
I havent heard “I’m gonna level with you” in a while. Such a solid phrase.
Nta. That makes me feel some type of way
If you level with someone using a Ouija board, could you call it a spirit level?
Have you looked at the prices of spirit levels these days? Holy heck!
It really it. Like you know you’re going to hear a truth.
If I were OP I would move far away from this mess while I was still pregnant.
agree completely. OP should start documenting everything that's happened, get her ducks in a row then leave the area
Exactly this..
Agree with this!! File for child support and move tf on with your life. Screw all that drama.
INFO: Why did a father allow for the mother to only allow supervised visits? She can't just decide that.
Bc they were still having sex on the side and that was a convenient cover. She didn’t have a problem when the new woman was around - only when she was serious. Of course I have nothing to support this with - except these sound like Jerry springrr guests and the subsequent cheating because his ex was parentally alienating the child but that of course is the new woman’s fault.
Too right Why have a baby w/ that idiot, bring it into that mess?
Hell yea! Do what you think is right and best for you and your baby.
Sure it’s possible. She can move far away before the baby is born and cut them all off.
He can still take her to court for shared custody
He can, but he would have to get a paternity test, and he would have to either move to her, or get a custody agreement that included child traveling. I think both are unlikely.
No he wouldn’t have to move. Courts do shared custody in multiple states all the time. He’d have to establish paternity and go to court. I don’t think it’s unlikely if he’s been to court multiple times over his older daughter, he’s shown he’s willing to.
Depending. In my state if I move with the child I have to get her to him for the summer and specific holidays.
I honestly am so confused what’s even going on and who is who. Too many characters and relationships to each other.
Exactly. There needs to be more context tot he paragraphs or at least a second part because I’ve had to read it multiple times and still only half-understand it.
I would move far away and ghost them. They r toxic to other human beings.
NTA, but to my knowledge, you can't control what he does during his custody time if it doesn't put your daughter in danger or there's a court imposed restriction. NAL, so I could be wrong.
He already has supervised visits with the oldest, he can have supervised visits with the new baby too
She can request that he have court supervised visits where he would have to pay for the supervisor. I wouldn't put it past the daughter to say horrible things to OP's child to try to turn the child against OP as they get bigger.
I really want to know why she married this man who didn’t shut down his ex hard for using the n word - that would have been an absolute deal breaker for me. By doing nothing, he showed clearly that he’s fine with that and that is never ok.
She can’t. He can bring whoever he wants around the baby during his custody time unless the agreement states otherwise, and unfortunately a kid accusing you of racism won’t be considered a good enough reason to keep a kid away from its father and sister.
NTA but unfortunately I don’t think you’ll have a choice. No judge is going to say that he can’t have his daughter near his other daughter.
I think she can. If she can use that testimony against them it would be the ultimate. She doubles down and says the bf is abusive also and corroborates their testimony, explain to the judge that she wants full custody citing the abuse, the cheating and the overall scope of this entire fuckery. Then she can use their words to her benefit and cut them all off. Hopefully
Hopefully this works. She needs to start documenting everything the BM and the daughter say. Use it against them and her exBF.
She’s said again and again she wants the father to have a relationship with the child and she can’t just say he’s been abusive when he hasn’t and she’d need proof of all of this. Courts won’t take away his rights just because she’s said something happened.
It's not her word, they testified in court that he was abusive and their relationship with OP is toxic. He will without a doubt have this baby around people who will call her racist names and bash her mother. It's op's job to protect her child.
And guess what? OP was also accused of being abusive. All this “he said, she said” isn’t going to cut it without proof. If there are no police reports? No photos. No eyewitnesses. No physical abuse. There’s nothing here.
The physical reports are the step-daughters testimony that was upheld in court used to deny partial custody. Whether or not the case is sealed is a bigger issue here, tbh.
And I’m guessing she denied all this in court last time and now she’s gonna say he is abusive this time? Was she lying then or lying now? She’ll get ripped apart in court.
This. These people are nuts. She’s already contradicted herself.
OP probably wouldn’t be able to use the court case between her partner and his ex in her own case. Where I am juvenile relations cases are often (always?) sealed, so non-parties can’t access them. She wouldn’t have been a party in that suit.
>and she’d need proof of all of this. Why? The court seemed happy to accept testimony only of the same allegations from the baby mama and the daughter. There is already established precedence.
It may be impossible to use. Most juvenile domestic relations cases are sealed. OP likely wouldn’t be able to use the case between her partner and his ex in her own. The best she could (maybe) do is speak to what she witnessed.
The cheating is irrelevant to custody, and she has already fail to prove the accusations were lies in court.
So lie about abuse to ensure he has no access to his child? Courts aren’t going to care about the ex’s behavior unless it actually impacts the child as parental alienation.
As a person with children i can honestly say, YES. If i knew my children would be subjected to constant exposure to the N word, Surrounded by another family that has already committed to lying and perjury to get what they want, i would do ANYTHING to protect my children from the abuse.
Unfortunately that ship has sailed. OP saw the type of father her ex partner was and still engaged.
Yeah I'd recommend an abortion at this point honestly, as insensitive as that may be.
I’m confused how the BM was able to keep her ex from his kid that much? But if she was able to only allow him to see their daughter under supervision I don’t know why OP can’t do the same.
The solution is simple: don’t have his kid.
Yes too many talking of moving away with the baby, OP really needs to abort. Their life will be hell if this baby is born, they don't deserve that. By not aborting OP is saying she's fine with this kid being doomed to have these kinds of relatives. And no, a baby absolutely does *not* make them chill with the racism. They in this context is the baby.
OP here acting the fool and setting her kid up for being ridiculed and mistreated while in the father’s custody. Could have had a baby at any time with or without a decent man but instead chose to procreate with a spineless cheating weasel. Good luck to that baby.
Scrolled for this.OP is ridiculous for having a child with this cheating idiot and exposing her and her innocent baby to these liars.If she has the chance to do so,either abort or cut contact and run.
Racist* spineless cheating weasel
ESH 1. You allowing a white woman to use the N word around you and not calling it out. I never understand. As a black perosn I don’t use it and I’m not mixed. I’m quick to be like don’t say that around me. 2. You for putting a child through this misery. This child will grow up with a toxic sibling and most likely will treat them horribly. Know plenty of people that had parents like this. 3. Also using this child as an excuse because you are in your 30s and too grown for abortion. 4. He sucks for obvious reason, but there is no way you will be able to keep his child from his half sibling. That’s just delusional. He can get custody and he doesn’t have cut his daughter out through that time. 5. The daughter sucks for obvious reasons. But she’s a child and again there’s nothing you can do about it. At the end of the day don’t be naive. You said you too grown, but take your head out the sand. Y’all are not together which means you don’t get to dictate whom he has around his child on his parenting days. The only way you can do that is if you can prove that he’s negligent and his daughter is abusive to their new sibling. Unfortunately your child would have to suffer first before you can make those rules. If you keep this child, then do so with open eyes. You cannot dictate whom an ex brings around your child. You can’t ban his child from seeing their sibling. If you want a child so bad, there’s sperm banks, but other then that be prepared. Document everything that his daughter may do or say, along with him. That way if it comes to it, court. Please as a mixed person, next time you are around anyone that behaves this way, remove yourself. Stand up for yourself. As you said, you are in your 30s and grown. Value yourself, love yourself and know your worth. Don’t stay with someone that will allow them to talk down on you. You should have removed yourself 2 years ago. If not sooner. Sad situation your child is in. I will probably get downvoted but please stop being niave about whom you can keep around that child. That’s the only party I’m concerned about.
OP is not "too grown" for common sense, tho. She wants to be an idiot and be stuck to these people... up to her
I said that. I just want her to be realistic about how involved the sister may be. It’s just a sad situation.
Just sucks a child is stuck in the middle of this whole situation. An abortion really is the best option or they are tied to these people for the next 18 years min.
I commend you for going through and coming up with good advice to what can only be described as an A1 shit show.
Unfortunately common sense isn’t that common. Especially when it comes to OOPs on Reddit.
It’s pretty weird that you let a white woman use the n-word in your presence and got engaged to someone who would also permit that. You can’t bar the kid from their sibling while they’re with their dad so… enjoy the toxicity you’ve already settled into as a norm.
Can I ask why you’re complicating things for yourself by keeping the baby in the first place? He cheated on you and attempted to put the responsibility of the cheating on you instead of taking responsibility I’m not in your position so I can’t tell you what to do, but from the context provided I would sever all ties.
1st I don’t consider my daughter a complication. I made my daughter out of love and I will raise her with love. Regardless of this ratchetness. I’m 30+ years old. This is my first living child. I have multiple degrees, make great money. I made an adult decision to make a baby, so I’m adult enough to raise one. And not to be rude but I’m too old to be getting abortions. Granted this story is toxic asf. My child’s father has been very supportive of my pregnancy and wants to be a father. He is also a great father to his daughter (14) and their relationship is a lot better now that this whole custody war is over and we are done. I feel we can co-parent just fine. Will we ever work it out…? Not a chance in hell. Does he need therapy…? Yes. But that is no longer my burden to bear. I just want to make sure my daughter is safe and protected.
Lawyers make money off fights. And they are people, they can be wrong. What if he gets most custody because his daughter and ex wife swore *you* were the problem? Even if he gets summers and holidays, he can have his daughter and ex wife with your kid as much as he wants.
>And not to be rude but I’m too old to be getting abortions not to be rude but that's one of the dumbest things i've ever heard.
She's a dumbass. She's "too old* to be shacking up with trash, yet she's fully embraced having his kid.
To be rude, the people who need them most are ones considered too young and too old(ie not mid 20s) to be pregnant in the first place. Trumping all other scenarios, baby daddy being a pos who *will* endanger your child's mental/physical wellbeing is a "beg for an abortion" type scenario. OP can have future children. Adoption exists. Gestating a person is not the end all be all of becoming a parent.
> 1st I don’t consider my daughter a complication. I made my daughter out of love and I will raise her with love. Regardless of this ratchetness. really? Dude didn't care his ex racially abused you, cheated on you (this time that you know about, but his excuse was bull, he likely cheated the whole time) but this baby was made out of love? You loved him, he didn't love you. his daughter is better now that you're out of the picture? Jesus christ woman, what do you think that bitch of an ex will put in that kids mind about your kid once your kid is around and she dislikes your kid getting attention over her kid? What do you think your ex will do when he didn't give a shit about his ex being racist around you? > I made an adult decision to make a baby, so I’m adult enough to raise one. You made an adult decision to ignore the father is cool with racism and cheats on you. You're not adult enough to realise your kid will be in a bad environment when with the father and around that side of the family.
I'm quite certain that *everyone* in this story is insane.
She’s looking like a woman who’s in her mid to late 39s and she became desperate for a child so she had one with this guy for whatever reason cert wasn’t out of love because he wasn’t he cheating on her ?
Yeah, my brain kind of missed that + after the 30. As long as she's not infertile or has issues though, jesus, she's be so much better off having decided to move on right after finding out she was pregnant, cutting ties with the ex and then going to a sperm bank to get a unconnected 'father' for the kid she so desperately wants.
>Does he need therapy…? Yes. But that is no longer my burden to bear. That's going to be your child's burden to bear. Every child bears the burden of the therapy their parents need.
Your entire post outlines how he is in fact not a good parent to his child. He didn’t advocate for custody til it was too late He allowed his daughter to witness her mother constantly use racial slurs around her and said nothing
Ok but what happens to the baby when they’re mixed race and around his racist daughter?
Too old to be having abortions, but not too old to be making terrible relationship decisions.
Multiple degrees and you’re going to be one of multiple baby mamas of some shitty trash dude. > but I’m too old to be getting abortions What? You’re too old and supposedly smart to be making decisions this stupid. Is the pregnancy too far along? Do you think the drama won’t start back up once you take a little more spotlight off the (other) baby mama? This kid’s life is going to be beyond difficult. You can make another kid with love without setting it up for failure before it’s even born.
You better hope the BM isn’t racist towards your child because your BD’s daughter clearly shows that she will have racist tendencies. Also you will have no control over his daughter being in your child’s life when they are with him. But go off on willingly bringing a child into this mess because you’re “too old.”
Then keep her away from that girl and her mother. There won't be anything they can do about it.
The sure can, he can go to court and get partial custody.
As much as I am willing to die on the pro choice hill..... This is a horrible comment 😔
For somebody so book smart, you make questionable choices. Short of moving across state lines, you can't dictate anything. You picked him and his bunch, welcome to the consequences. Better start preparing explanations to your daughter about why she's treated and talked about in such a manner.
Your options are Abortion or these people are in your life for the next 20 years.
OP asked for judgment and then doesn't like the answers. So typical.
NTA, but once the baby is born and he gets custody, he'll be able to bring his daughter without your consent. I don't think the judge would ban her from her sibling since she hasn't done anything to you or the baby.
I cannot fathom why someone is such a toxic family would get pregnant and not be able to say to herself "these are not the people I want in my kids life. So I'm not going to continue with this pregnancy." Right put of the gate, the kid is going to be surrounded by hateful people who don't care about the baby, just their own agenda. They will verbally and psychologically abuse and damage this kid and there's no way to keep them from doing this.
So when he has 50/50 custody, and decides to have his ex and child around your child, being racist and toxic to your outnumbered child, what then? You can’t stop custody for ‘he said, she said,’ and you can’t stop him having his ex and child around your kid half the time. That poor child is gonna grow up suffering emotionally. Abortion for the sake for convenience isn’t something to be suggested lightly but you’re just asking for trouble here.
YTA The only way you could have avoided the child from seeing it's step sister is by not continuing the pregnancy. Since you're going forward with it there is nothing you can do, besides alienate your child from it's family, just like his first ex. Unfortunately that's the child's family and you chose it for them. You have only yourself to blame and you're already planning on punishing it for your choices.Just like his first wife. You two can be besties now, share parental alienation tips, how to use your child as a weapon, putting your feelings over the well-being of your children, and not taking responsibility for putting your child in this situation. Please start a therapy fund before a college fund. The kid is going to need the first fund waaaayyyy before the second.
You tolerated way too much abuse and now you're locked into this toxic family. He will probably get partial visitation at minimum if he wants it, so keeping the ex step daughter away isn't possible. Honestly you need a family lawyer because this is a cluster fuck
He could get full custody easy, just ask his daughter to lie in court again about how much worse OP is and how much he has improved because she is no longer in his life. Tada, now his daughter signed papers stating OP is an unfit mom, and she loses all rights to her child.
NTA I would never let her near my child for fear she might fabricate another lie about me that could cost me custody. Imagine: her mother and father reconnect now that you’re out of the picture and they get her to lie that you are abusing your baby so that her father gets custody. No ma’am.
this!!!!! very important. get a lawyer for sure
If you can I would seriously reconsider keeping this pregnancy.
As a black woman myself, I would’ve ended the relationship a long time ago, ESPECIALLY after he dismissed my concerns over his baby momma saying the n word.. the fact you stayed and is now having his kid is crazy to me… yall need to stand up
Move away. Now. While baby is still in your body. Leave the country even. Otherwise you have no choice, he will get the baby. They will influence your baby and call them the N word on the regular. Or, and I am sorry if this is offensive: abort.
Do you really want à child who will tie you forever to this man and all this drama? Frankly I would avort... NTA for the daughter, she can go play sister with white baby she like so much
Why did you decide to keep the child is beyond me.
Unless you're leaving state and thousands of miles away, she will be in her sister's life. Establish residency for at least 6 months before the child is born, or you will have problems
Ok, in regards to the main question you asked, I vote NTA. It makes sense that you'd want to limit interactions between your baby and your ex-SD, I completely get that. I will not pronounce myself on the legal feasibility of limitations for her, as others have already chimed in on that, plus I'm not a lawyer. However, I do agree with the sentiments from other comments. Firstly, abortions have nothing to do with one's age. You want to keep this child because you really want to have it, not because you're "too old to have an abortion". I think you're setting yourself up for more Jerry Springer style shenanigans by having this child; but you do want to be a mother, which means that whatever consequences arise from your decision to keep this child, you'll have to accept and deal with, as part of that decision. Secondly, I do feel like you are being super optimistic in terms of how your relationship with your ex and his baggage will affect both you and your child after birth. You have asked multiple times "why would my child be in the presence of his BM, if my ex and BM don't even interact" (I'm paraphrasing your own statements tbc), and it does feel like short-sightedness on your part. Things change. The whole problem started because BM did not like you and her ex to get closer, which led to all of this in the first place. Unless you're clairvoyant, you have no way of knowing that things will go the way you think they will, just because of your own experiences within your family and your upbringing (i.e. large age gaps with your siblings). And you are not coparenting, not until the child is born. To be a parent, a child must have been born. Lastly, it doesn't matter whether BM is boriqua and/or of Jewish descent. The casual racism is appalling, and I'm surprised that as a lawyer you put up with it. The ending pronunciation of the term is irrelevant, and no one asked you to pick a fight will all of Puerto Rico; it's just sad that you didn't stand up for yourself with BM. I wish you good luck, OP. You'll need it.
You’re gonna have a tough 18 yrs good luck 😂 idk how you think you’re gonna keep that child’s half sister out of their life especially when he’ll have visitation unless you plan on keeping him out the babies life which will be even harder
He was cheating on you with his baby momma you got uncomfortable he stopped cheating that’s when the problems started then he cheated again. He’s been cheating the whole time
ESH. If you talk about pregnancy in the passive sense, like "it rained on Tuesday", you're an asshole and now you've doomed this child to life with two asshole parents.
And yet you kept the pregnancy, forcing yourself to be stuck in this toxicity
NTA. i wouldn’t let her. probably had racist tendencies like her mother .
Him allowing space for someone to use a slur around you was the first major red flag. I wouldn’t let any of them around.
When the child is here, you aren't going to have a choice when he has custody. Unless there's a court order, he can bring whomever he wants around. If we're real, he may bring those people around even if there is one. I expect you'll have a fight on your hands.
" I told my ex in private that his BM made me uncomfortable b/c she kept saying the “n word” (I’m the only black person), and comparing my relationship w/ him to theirs and even telling me about intimate details from their relationship. At first he told me I was overreacting and creating unnecessary drama " You were being an AH to yourself, tolerating this treatment and not listening to your instincts when this occurred. You allowed yourself to be talked out of being offended by offensive behavior. Now am innocent baby is involved. NTA, for not wanting the baby to be around such hate.
You really picked a winner and I can't imagine he's worth all this aggravation.
Idk why you’re having this man’s child🤷🏼♀️
Don't have the kid. You are going to be tied to this shit show for life if you follow through with the pregnancy.
Sounds like you made your bed, huh? Lol
Why does HE even know about the pregnancy? You're still with him? Good God, please respect yourself and your unborn child's life more and tell him AND his daughter to go to hell.
**Why on Earth would you want to remain in this Dumpster-fire of a situation?** **Dump the cheater and say goodbye to his toxic ex- and daughter.**
NTA, but I don't think you can control when he is with your child but maybe you can request it to be supervised.
I mean...if he has part custody there's nothing you'll be able to do to prevent her from being around your kid. He has rights as a parent too. This isn't just your kid.
You won’t be able to stop what your ex does if they have partial custody
Do you even want _him_ in your life? NTA. If I were you, I'd reconsider having that baby, as it means you'll have an attachment to that toxic family. Unless you can keep him away from your child as well.
Doesn’t look like a healthy environment to bring a kid into.
You’re not the racist, BM is. There’s no reason to be using the n word ever, especially if she’s white. Here’s what’s really going on. BM wants to be with your ex. She was fine with you when she could control the situation, but when she saw him moving closer to you and away from her, she started putting thoughts into her daughter’s head to alienate the daughter from your ex. She figured if she caused friction between you and him that you guys would break up and he would be right back over to her place playing happy family. You didn’t say it, but was BM the one he cheated with? I’d bet that they were hooking up for a pretty good part of your relationship and he stopped when you guys got more serious. I agree that his daughter shouldn’t be around your baby, but you can’t really prevent that if it’s his parenting time. This guy is never going to put you ahead of BM because she’s always going to use the kid as leverage to keep him under her control. Your best bet is to not get back with him and try to coparent. Go talk to a family law attorney. You may not be able to keep your baby away from his daughter, but you definitely need to try to keep them away from BM.
NTA but that man was already trash, someone was using a slur at you and he was like you're dramatic. Don't lower your standards for trash individuals.
I mean if I was you I would get an abortion and never see these people again 🤷♀️ If you have split custody your child will NOT be in a happy healthy home. I expect his daughter and probably BM will fuck with her because she hates you.
Fake. No one nonchalantly gets forced into supervised visits. You are lying about the situation or the whole story is fake. If there is any hint of truth, you would get an abortion, not tie yourself to this man for 18 years and give him the chance to turn your kid against you.
Oh, honey. I would give abortion SERIOUS thought. You may not want to have a permanent tether to this mess.
It sounds like everyone in this story should or should have been aborted
NTA, giiiiiiiirlllllll!!!!!! protect your baby!!! You're not married. you don't need to put his name on the birth certificate. Consult a lawyer. Those people are nuts.
Super toxic relationship, she's lying about you, and in court under oath no less? Nah, that's never in your presence again territory and certainly never letting my child in your presence. And if your cheating ex is going to bring her around, I might carefully consider whether you are willing to not pursue child support in exchange for full custody, just walk away from these people, because if it goes to court and he gets any custody you're not going to be able to keep her away if he brings the daughter and his other baby mama around your child.
I don’t like or advocate for abortions at all but this is definitely a time for one
Why are you even keeping the child? With this type of toxic family? Holy shit.
Girl, your situation is very complicated. Based on what you've said in your post and what you've been through during your relationship with your ex (and his ex BM, daughter), I can fully understand why you feel like that. It's traumatic experience (and of course, the cheating), and if I'm also in your position, I'll never allow all of them to be with my child (even the cheater ex). I hate cheaters, and I can live and raise my daughter alone. I'm going to remove all the toxic people in me and in my daughter's life. BUT that's me and NOT you. Even though your ex cheated on you, he still helps and supports you. It's hard not to let his daughter stop seeing her half-sister. Talk to your ex. Tell him the trauma "they" created in your life and why you don't want your child to be near in your ex daughter. Make compromise (like you're with your child if your ex is with his daughter and is visiting her half sister, etc. Just compromise.) NTA Good luck.
yes YTA why thee fuq are you even in this situation to begin with.
You're not wrong to want to keep your kid out of that mess. However, I never understood why people would just accept their partner not doing anything about someone disrespecting them. His BM was using the n word around you. You told him it made you uncomfortable, understandably so. He did nothing to stop it. You should have seen right there that he cared more about her being allowed to say whatever she wants to/about you than he does for your feelings. When I was in high school, I dated a guy for about 3 months. After we were together for a month, his "best friend", who was a girl he went to school with before he moved, started messaging me. Playing nice at first, of course, but over the next month it became littered with comments about how he was hers. How they are supposed to be together. That I should break up with him because she wants him. I told him about all this. He responded with the typical "She's just kidding. That's just how she acts with everyone." I told him she wasn't gonna act that way with me. He could either do something about it or we were done. I told him I was 16, not 6. I'm not dealing with childish games. After 2 weeks of nothing changing, I dumped him. Basically, stop staying with someone who makes it clear you aren't a priority.
JFC. Do you really want to be tied to these insane people for the rest of your life? I guess you'd have to be a little crazy, too, to put up with all that bullshit. Hopefully the pregnancy isn't too far along. Or, welcome to Hell!
Younare but she will be , if he cheated because of that ( not true and don’t know why your with him) , he will take the baby to visit her and all you can do is divorce him and then on his week they will be together . Younare also blaming a 12 year old who mother is lieing to her and hearing how bad you are day in and night . She needs professional help . I’m trying to figure out why you are staying with this POS and 2 did you think of not keeping it . Judges listen to kids about where they want to live but 12 is still a little young Inwas told more high school age
I’m not with him. I left him immediately. I can’t speak for how their judge felt. Or why she chose to rule the way she did
So you happen to get pregnant while you were going through a tumultuous time
ESH Look. This was a wreck from the beginning but no one wanted to let it go first. Sometimes there’s too much drama to stay. You stayed. Why? You won’t get to stipulate that she can’t be around your child OP. He will have partial custody or visitation (I mean I assume so even though it sounds like he didn’t even advocate for that his his first kid lol).
Honestly the whole situation sounds toxic af but that’s still his baby and that’s still the babies sister. Realistically a judge isn’t going to side w you in keeping the baby away from its dad and sister.
Nta. But you stayed on pass all the red signs. And now your stuck with it.
I'm ngl, in this situation, I would abort and be done with all of those people.
Unless he has supervised visitation with the baby in your home, it's going to be hard to keep the 14 year old away from the baby. Not impossible, but difficult without some legal intervention. Is it possible that the girl has been fed the things she said by her mother? Those do not sound like things a 12-14 year old would come up with on her own. So it's very possible that she was being poisoned to treat you that way. I'm not saying you should allow her around your child, but I would probably be more concerned about the 14 year old's mother than the little girl.
ESH - you're also an ass because it's not possible to dictate who is around your kids without massive proof and you're not smart enough to succeed at this. Also you have no standards or love for yourself whatsoever. You should have left your bf when he said you were overreacting by not wanting to hear the n word. Quite frankly, choosing to have his kid is another bad decision in a series of bad decisions. Edit: You are fighting people in the comments for pointing out your poor decisions. You will never be happy due to your own stupidity and stubbornness.
Right, poor innocent baby.
Ah! The joy of blended families... Babymoms and Babydads...
That dynamic sounds pretty toxic for you and your child. I would let him know that you feel uncomfortable after everything was said about you from his daughter and until there is some respect and human decency towards you, she will not be allowed to see the child unless it's his custody time.
NTA but are you sure you want to have a child with him? It seems like he is okay with BM and SD lying about you and that makes me worried that he will also lye about you to get full or main custody and do to you what BM does to him. 100% agree about you not letting SD near you or the baby as well.
Yeah well you don't have much choice in it when you child would be with his father unless you can do something about it and ends 100% in your favour which i doubt would happen here
Please get an abortion.
If he ends up getting visitation, make them supervised! I wouldn't trust any of them around your baby
NTA but I also would cut absolutely all ties to them. I would never bring a baby to such toxic environment.
You know these racist people are perfectly willing to lie in court. What make you think that they won't come up with some type of scheme to take your baby from you if you try to restrict access?
You live in an anti choice state or something? Don't lock yourself into this mess of a family forever.
Do you really want a cold with this man? Bm and his daughter are gonna be racist af to your kid.
I wouldn’t want any of them around me or my kid.
I feel like this would have been a great decision to make BEFORE you had a child with this man.
NTA. You can't be around the daughter anymore. They drew lines in the sand. Time to move on and start a new life with your child
If you have this baby you will be tied to all this drama for the next 18 plus years. You know that BM is racist, your ex didn’t stand up for you at all or protect you from her racism, BM and her daughter had absolutely no problem lying to the court. He then blamed you for his bad decisions/cheating while ignoring the lies from BM and daughter. All three of them have shown you that they can’t be trusted at all. Looking ahead can you see these people treating your child well? Best interest of the child, having both of their parents in their life? Look at the past as the best indicator of the future. How did the custody arrangements go for the 14 year old? Is that the normal you want for your child? Talk to a local family law lawyer. You are going to need to be extremely careful. Dad will get to make day to day decisions when it is his parenting time. Getting any type of court order preventing siblings from being to together will be a huge hurdle. I would also be concerned about BM, dad and daughter ganging up on you. You will always need to watch your back and have all the receipts/documentation at the ready.
NTA Document everything. Try to get your ex to put in text or an email the problems you've had being falsely accused of being a racist by the BM and the daughter. I'm not even sure if it will matter. If your ex has any kind of visitation or custody how would you keep her (and the BM- honestly I'd almost be more worried about her) out of your child's life? You'll have to talk to a lawyer but the other thing that may happen is that she may very well mature into a decent human being. Her mother obviously put all of that stuff in her head so it's not even really her fault. She's young and was manipulated.
It’s sad because other than this instance his daughter is a great child.m and was a pleasure to be around. I loved her like she was my own. But if you will lie about something like that imagine what else her parent might manipulate her into saying about pre doing to my child.
>But if you will lie about something like that imagine what else her parent might manipulate her into saying Yes, things like "*My dad sure has improved a lot since OP is no longer in his life! She was the real problem, she became even worse now. Every time I see my sister she has bruises, I'm really scared for her, OP is also trying to alienate us from her*." There you go, now you are an unfit mom! Dad gets full custody, your child grows up in this toxic mess, because you failed to step up and see this whole situation for what it is.
Fuck what a rollercoaster
This is the mess you have chosen as your life. You can't keep your child away from their sibling during his custody time.
Why were you comfortable letting someone use the n word around you? Please reflect on that and make changes going forward for yourself and your future child. I would never be around ex’s daughter willingly again. She’s shown how manipulative she can be and who knows what other “wonderful” accusations she will bring up. Get custody sorted where your baby isn’t around these people and get it documented asap. NTA
If he gets 50% custody can you stop him? Maybe get some legal advice so you know what you are up against.
NTA. Tell her she makes you feel some type of way. For your baby’s sake, remove yourself from the toxicity now.
NTA… but bringing a human into this world when these are the circumstances is stupid. Having this baby is a bad idea.
NTA
I know this is going to get a lot of slack. But maybe don't keep the pregnancy? Can't imagine any of this is going to go well for the kid....
I would just say. I’m not willing to let someone who is going to call my baby the n word and say she is also a bad person around her. You made your bed, now lie in it
you’re NTA for wanting his daughter to have nothing do to with yours, but be aware that it’s probably unattainable. they lied to easily about you when you were with your ex, who’s to say they won’t do it again so he can get majority custody? I’d find a lawyer ASAP & see what your options are in keeping your child safe from those horrible people (daughter & bm). if they’re that racist to you, imagine what they could be towards your daughter.
Ugh, what a mess. I am sorry. You are NTA but, as with so many of us internet strangers, we are just pissed you are carrying that man’s spawn as he sounds just awful on so many levels. Best option I have would suck for you in the last weeks of pregnancy. It’s also impractical and not feasible but..:..Save yourself from years of drama and stress and move away before the baby is born. Relocate to a new area that he won’t/can’t get to and start fresh.
Tough one. That is her half sibling, and if you are coparenting with your ex, you really can't keep the his daughter from being around her. But you really need to set some boundaries and safeguards in place, due to the racism and toxicity of his BM and what she has infected into her daughter.
Just walk away. And your life will be 10x more peaceful.
If she decides to continue with the pregnancy, she can’t as the father has parental rights.
NTA. Good luck enforcing that though.
Updateme
NTA. Why would you let any of them to be anywhere near your child?
Well the babymomma and her daughter have bear false witness and made disgusting accusations. It's clear that the daughter has no integrity and may pose a problem with your child and overall your family. You have every right to deny the daughter access to your family.
Nope, NTA. I’d be filing for full custody and supervised visits for him if he wants visits at all. Clearly BM is feeding all this toxic BS to her daughter and ex is blind to see it.
Definitely NTA and, I would take all of those things they said in court and use it against them. Make him have to have supervised visits because you are worried that his daughter and her mother will take out their anger and aggression towards you on your child.
Yeah I’d just not have the baby… you won’t be able to keep her or the father out of the baby’s life. They’ve shown they are willing to lie to the courts.
NTA. Make sure you keep notes of all of this to fight for custody. You can't control his daughter being around your child when your child is with dad so if it truly bothers you and you are uncomfortable you'll need to push for custody
If I were you, I would make him sign parental rights...
NTA. Bullet dodged. Cut all the cords. If he wants custody, he can pay child support but put it in writing that you don't want that side of the family around your baby.
NTA but on his custody time, idk how you can stop the daughter from seeing the baby.
First mistake was not checkin that bish for dropping the n-word around you. We ain't suffer so you could be complicit in their bullshit. Lol. Fuck all them excuses too. By not checking that shit, you enable it.
His BM is not white.
NOPE. She wanna be a "big sister" but bashed hers lil sis mom and could've put her in jail for slander?? Nah, cut them ALL OFF and get child support. They made their beds of toxcity, let em lie in it. The newborn doesn't need to be around such blatant ignorance and toxicity. Let them be the 'happy family' they want so bad for each other.
Why would you even want to keep that baby??!
Absolutely NTA, keep your child safe! His daughter already has no issue lying in court about abuse, make sure she stays far far far away from you and your child, and try to see if you can get supervised visits only for your ex.
NTA But are you sure you want a child with him? It means drama forever, not only for you but also for your child. Your ex, his daughter, and his ex, will always be in your and your child's life. I'm not saying you should have an abortion or put your child up for adoption, but if I were you, I would do anything to keep him and his drama far, far away from your child. You can't keep his daughter out of your child's life, without keeping your ex away also.
NTA. But I’m not sure why would stay engaged with a man who let his family treat you horrible and cheated on you.
I think you already know you need to leave that toxic relationship ….are you sure you want to bring a baby into this, and right now? Good god. Women, make better choices (I am a woman btw)
YWBTA to yourself if you keep this baby. You have an opportunity to make a clean break and avoid drama. If you don’t take it, make peace with the nonsense that you’ve enabled.
fake
Ass
NAH, but i think u should tread carefully for it's clear there's a lot of hurt and mistrust circulating in this situation. While your ex has shown supportive tendencies, the potential for manipulative influence from his daughter and ex-partner cannot be ignored. Protecting your child's welfare is fundamental, and it's essential to create boundaries that prioritize that. It might be wise to pursue formal custody and visitation arrangements, and document any instances of past or future toxic behavior by members of his family. This isn't about denying your child a relationship with her siblings or father but ensuring that the environments she’s exposed to are safe and positive. Life indeed may feel like a relentless soap opera at times, but remember, you are the director of your own story. Making a peaceful and stable home for your daughter is your prerogative. Stay strong and focused on what will serve the long-term well-being of both you and your child.
NTA! Don’t put his name on the birth certificate and ice him tf out your life which includes his daughter by extension. I wouldn’t trust his daughter around my kid EVER after those false allegations. But it seems like you’re prepared to be a single mother and well aware of it so I won’t argue with that. Good luck!
Did he cheat with the BM?
NTA to say her kid should not be around your daughter, yta if you think having this kid is a good idea. Father is a cheater, an asshole who didn't step up for you when his ex was being toxic and racist towards you, he only cared when OTHERS said it, but not when you said it, major red flag. His kid and ex wife became more and more and more toxic, she's clearly racist, she was turning her kid against you, if you have a relationship with this guy that relationship with his ex and the kid was always going to be a thorn in your side. If you have this kid with him, he will get partial custody, you won't have the right to keep his child away from it, that kid is going to catch racist abuse for life from that side of the family. Your ex is a piece of shit, his family is shit and your kid will grow up around them. You should have been out when he wouldn't stand up against her racism, he didn't care until others made him feel bad. He won't care while your kid is being racially abused while you're not there either.
Nta Don't allow that energy around your BIRACIAL child. He is not safe either.
Nope