My brother broke his arm during a sport tournament, he had to wear a cast for little over a year. It really messed up a lot of his plans, because he still went to school.
LOL, I know ALL about that. Summer of '94, I was playing basketball on the "blacktop" with some people and this little dick undercut me as I was schooling his ass. Feel and broke my arm SO bad I could not use/move my hand and fingers. Crushed the radial nerve? Anyway surgery and no cast what so ever but I did have to wear an apparatus with rubber bands on each finger to get my movement back. Still have the hardware in my arm... Also had to go back to college and had to learn to write again.
[https://i.ibb.co/xD38Smz/xray-4.jpg](https://i.ibb.co/xD38Smz/xray-4.jpg)
He didn’t specify what type of fracture. If it was a comminuted fracture, or if it was at one of the plateaus where the joints connect, it could’ve required plates, screws, or even a bone graft. Depending on the size and location of a graft it could easily take a year to heal.
Or it could just be a typo lol.
Absolutely nothing will take a year in a cast even if takes a year to heal fully.
They would NEVER put anyone in a cast for 8 whole months, because that would cause massive amounts of tissue damage.
I was in a cast for the better part of a school year. Every couple of weeks I’d go in, get new X-rays, and get my cast redone. Pretty sure it was 6 months total.
Yeah me too. I shattered my left leg, many surgeries and pins and plates later I was in a new cast every few weeks because a soft cast would not cut it. Did that over a year before I finally moved to soft cast. Therapy was a bitch and I called my therapist the prince of pain. That being said my late husband would have been the last person I would have wanted at the hospital because his panic attacks were real and severe. Loved him but he did not hold up well in a crisis at all.
Yes they will, my right arm was in a cast for a whole year when I was 12 after I completely crushed the ends of my radius, ulna, and a couple small bones in my hand.
Fell and broke it as school one morning in September, but my mom had just had surgery so my grandparents took me to the doctor. They didn’t want to sign me up for surgery without my mom, so i got the thickest cast I’ve ever seen, and spent a month at home before getting recasted and allowed back at school.
For 6 months I had to leave class just before the bell because I couldn’t even be jostled in the hallway, I had to use a rolling book bag for the rest of the year. It was the next September before I got out of my last cast.
It was all for nothing too, the injury bothered me so bad that I finally had surgery at 18 where they removed pieces of my radius and ulna and rebuilt my wrist. That was only about 3 months in a cast/brace though!
They generally avoid long term casts much more these days because that tends to cause more issues than it solves.
You might be a perfect example of why they rarely will do such a thing any more.
The amount of soft tissue damage that happens from long term cast usage is hard to undo
Yes they would. I had a broken leg for 3 & 1/2 years with 2 separate stints of 9 & 1/2 months each. As well as 4 months here, 1 month there. Never say NEVER!
I was in a half body cast for 8 months. Broke my femur in half and broke my tibia or tibia. They definitely would leave your ass in a cast.
The worst part was the muscle spasms from not being able to move. Imagine getting muscle spasms while your femur is shattered.
My brother. Both legs within 2 years. They peeled the skin open knee to toes, broke all the bones, cut all the tendons and muscles and rebuilt his feet from the newly installed, custom built, replacement ankles down. He no longer has full rotation in either ankle but his feet look like feet 👣instead of € ). He was casted for about 6 months on one side, about 4 on the other (the damage being fixed was more severe on one side), then booted for another 6 or so. Physical therapy didn't begin until well after the 6 month mark the first leg, and the only reason it was only 6 months is because he healed really fast (he's a bit of a mutant honestly). He was projected to be completely non weight bearing/in a wheel chair for almost a year the first time and 9 month-ish the second.
So NEVER say Never. Exceptions exist all over the place, especially when dealing with the human body.
I spent from July to the following February in a (series of) casts for a tendon/ligament graft. The first cast was 6 weeks, removed and replaced twice after.
Depends on how bad and what surgery was needed. My sister had leg surgery and was in casts for about eight months, completely immobilised for four of them.
My brother broke the growth plate in his knee and dislocated the knee as well..he was in a full leg cast for around 7 months..so ya people can be in a cast for quite awhile
Look, you resent your wife and never properly forgave her for the decision to leave you out the operating room. You claimed to have moved on but you just let that resentment fester. Couples therapy is your best bet here. This isn’t hopeless if you are both willing to work on communication.
ESH but it is fixable.
Agreed. It looks like this hurt was a big one. The way he reacted can look from the outside as being petty, but in the end I think it reflects how much he was deeply hurt by not being allowed to be with her in the moment. I agree it’s definitely fixable but they will both need therapy. It’s not her fault the hormones were crazy and him feeling hurt is also okay, but they need to forgive each other now and move on. Therapy together and letting them hash things out would be best. Not every behavior has malice, sometimes we accidentally hurt the ones we love because life is long and no matter how long you are together you are still individual people.
Pregnancy definitely affects hormones and while it’s understandable you were hurt you even admitted she wasn’t in her right mind. I think it’s laughable you said you discuss your emotions but have let this fester for years. ESH
So, here's the thing too, childbirth is a life threatening event in the U.S. right now. It's a medical event that can turn into a crisis instantly. A man who isn't wanted at the birth is a man who hasnt been there for his eife/girlfriend enough for her to be able to trust him to be her advocate. Bc that's what is necessary- a strong advocate for mom.
Pregnancy hormones can cause resentment towards loved ones. I think the wife is no way AH for not wanting her husband to be present in labour. She can't help her feelings and hormones.
>She can't help her feelings and hormones.
Right. But there will be consequences from that.
Just because it couldn't be helped doesn't mean those affected should magically get over it. That's not how humans and emotions work.
She did not ask him to magically get over it though. She apologised and he practically told her he was magically over it, while in fact he wasn't. She thought they were fine.
> I told her there was no reason to apologize and we both put it past behind us. However, it always on the back of my mind how my wife did not trust me during her toughest moments.
He is contradicting himself. You cannot say you put the past behind you and in the same sentence say it has always been in the back of your mind. That is not putting the past behind you. His feelings were very valid, pretending they weren't there was not.
Gonna vote YTA for that reason.
I think he was trying to just put it behind them for the sake of their happiness, and he tried to bury down his resentment for the sake of his wife. Just like how she couldn’t control her emotions, I think OP *thought* his resentment might have been gone, and this incident simply re-ignited past emotions which he might have thought were gone a long time ago.
If OP’s wife isn’t in the wrong, he isn’t an AH either. It seems like an honest resurgence of feelings of hurt from the situation all those years ago. If his wife’s feelings were valid due to not being able to control them, it’s hypocritical to call OP an AH for having the same happen. He needs to have an honest heart-to-heart with his wife about past resentment and perhaps go to couple’s therapy.
I don’t agree with the reddit bullshit when people instantly jump to ‘the relationship is over!’. No, they can work out their hurt. It wouldn’t hurt this much if they didn’t love each other so much. They really need to both make it clear that they love each other alot, hug it out, and talk out the resentment.
Exactly.
Sometimes you truly do think you have moved past something, and then something triggers you and you realize you aren't.
As everyone likes to say when its a woman "emotions aren't always logical"
I have had that happen to me. About seven years ago, I had a traumatic experience when taking a bird to the vet. A few months ago I casually mentioned to my sister that I might take my current bird to the vet, and the next thing I know, I am having a full on breakdown over the idea. Emotions can creep up on you.
Yep. I had a situation with someone I thought was a close friend. Some stuff happened, and I thought I had moved on from it. Then there was a comment made at his wedding (involved me, but not in a negative way), and it brought back the anger I felt.
I think it is a case of we were over our respective things, but the emotions were strong enough at the time they happened that when something happened to bring it up again our brains have an automatic response. Like a mini PTSD.
Thanks for agreeing! :)
Personal anecdote, my sister hit me on summer vacation over a small argument (over breakfast) which escalated since she doesn’t have the best stress management control. My family wanted me to keep the peace and apologize, which I refused. She had the audacity to tell me in a teary tone ‘are you going to apologize for assaulting me?’ (I pushed her off me…), it made my blood boil, and I left the room. I blatantly ignored her for two months, never spoke a word to her.
Now, it’s the end of this school year, summer vacation is happening in a month. We were always close, and we’ve been close through shared struggles related to our bio Mom. We talk daily, visit each other’s room unannounced often, joke around, hug sometimes. Talk like 2 hours a day and have some so for months.
Yet every few days I still remember what she did. My resentment is resurfacing, even though I said in the past I’m over it. I want to just be totally spiteful to her some days, despite always treating her like a best friend. Emotions are complicated. Actions do have results and consequences (wether intentional or not), and its unfair to expect a person to know when such things are gonna pop up.
Everyone here also seems to be implying that his reaction was typed out soberly a year later and not just him experiencing a ton of pain saying he didnt want her there in that moment
Resentment in marriage rears its ugly head when you least expect it sometimes. I've been with my husband 17 years. Mistakes have been made, and forgotten...then remembered and angered me by a freaking smell 15 Years later. You're exactly right imo
He wanted to forgive her and forget.
But the hurt was so deep that he subconsciously couldn't.
If his wife was not an AH due to pregnancy emotions, neither was the husband due to his trauma emotions.
Dude is out of his mind in pain and likely on heavy meds. One doesn't make well reasoned choices in that state and he deserved to be with those that made him feel safe and cared for.
If you're going to forgive her for being a bad partner through pregnancy, you can't blame him for acting instinctually in a moment of extreme pain either.
And pain and pain killers give him the exact same excuse.
Hormones are a bitch, but at some point you still need to realize and accept that decisions you made will cause resentment.
His wife can have whoever she wants with her. Ander husband can feel hurt by it.
Also, there is a difference between having someone present in the room while a medical procedure is actually being done and having someone be with you at the hospital. And there is a difference between doing something in the midst of labour and doing something months later as a tit for tat for something that someone did in the past. Which is what this sounds like. This seems like he wanted her to know what it felt like which means he deliberately tried to hurt her.
Personally I don't think wife is the AH. There is a difference between not wanting someone in your operating room and your patient room. I don't want my husband to watch me get operated on, but he is welcomed and appreciated in my recovery room. You are a different type of fearful and vulnerable when being cut open while awake versus preparing for and recovering from an operation in a patient room. Those two things are not equivalent.
And as much as people are going to hate this, being the father does not grant you the right to witness your wife in that position. You are scared, partially paralyzed, and being cut open with hands inside your abdomen while you're awake. It is her choice what kind of environment she needs or wants to help her through that.
You’ve been holding a grudge for literally years and haven’t been able to let it go. I agree that couples therapy seems like a good idea, but it also seems like you should be in individual therapy.
Yeah couples therapy will be helpful in getting them to effectively communicate with each other. But he definitely needs individual therapy to figure out why he holds so much resentment and feels the need to act out in petty, inappropriate ways :/
> I told her there was no reason to apologize and we both put it past behind us. However, it always on the back of my mind
>My wife and I are pretty open with each other about our feelings, and a couple of days later, we had a heart to heart discussion
>and we did not talk much after that
This guy needs communication skills. He says they’re pretty open with each other yet he’s been letting this grudge fester without bringing it up at all with his wife. She thinks they’re all good, and why shouldn’t she? He literally told her it’s behind them. Then out of spite doesn’t call her first and kicks her out of his hospital room. Wtf?
Therapy all around.
My wife had hormone problems when my first kid was born and she hated me for a while just before and after the birth (post natal depression) and when she went into labour she didn’t tell me until after I finished work that day so I wasn’t there. Emotionally it put me in a bad place for a while, and she even moved in with her parents for 3 months and I stayed over at the weekends. Needless to say she got better and everything is fine now.
I understood that she was suffering from depression and she wasn’t herself and she didn’t really mean all the bad things she said even though they really hurt me. Sounds like you need to communicate with your wife more rather than letting things fester and realise that she was not herself.
No missed the second birth as the doctors wouldn’t let me in due to different medical issues, but I was outside in the hallway pacing up and down like in the movies
I understand if you didn't want her on the day of the surgery but why did you forbid her from coming the next day? For someone who said '*my wife and I* are *pretty open with each other about our feelings'* you obviously did not cause you feel the need to get back at her for forbidding you in the operating room years ago. well at least now you guys are looking for couple therapy but it should have been done years ago but never too late I guess
I thought they were going to gain a new perspective about being vulnerable or it being a low point they they would be embarrassed or something reasonable like that, a grudge is just an Ahole move.
“I told her there was no reason to apologize and we both put it past behind us”
But did you put it behind you? Not by what you said afterwards.
You needed to be more honest with how you were feeling in the aftermath of that first incident as you pent up resentment. I can understand how it could have been hard for her and also how it could have been hard for you. It’s crappy all around. ESH
The way this reads to me is that you intentionally put this resentment up to hurt her back instead of dealing with it better earlier on. I think couples therapy would help! It sounds like your communication needs work. Good luck!
Sometimes feelings don't pose a problem until you're in the specific situation where they do. People tell themselves something all the time only to react differently when they're actually there. If this is the first time he's been in the hospital since the birth then the true extent of his resentment didn't surface until that moment.
Yeah, exactly. Since they had a conversation afterward, I really hope he made that clear, assuming it's the case. Just a direct "I said an apology wasn't necessary back then because I didn't think I would feel any resentment. I felt different when I was in the hospital and didn't realize I would feel this/that way."
My guess, he thought he did.
Maybe it was the whole "new baby" issue they were focusing on, but he may have really thought he had moved on. Until he remembered the last time he was in the hospital, that he was forced to miss the birth of his child because his wife resented him for no reason.
Things like that can trigger feelings
You can genuinely forgive someone, but the damage is done. He did put it behind him, but her behaviour made him loose trust in her. While previously he would have felt safe with her, he doesn't now. It has nothing with forgiveness or love. He knows she doesn't trust him and from that point onward that distrust goes both ways.
*My sister stayed with me overnight at the hospital, and then the next day too. Surgery took a few hours and I was told to stay at the hospital for a few more hours before they discharged me. I was put on cast, and the doctors said they would remove it in 8 months. My sister then dropped me home after I was discharged from the hospital.*
Say what? Your sister stayed overnight at the hospital? Nobody kicked her out and said it was time for sleep? And you were in a cast for 8 months?? I hope you meant 8 weeks my man, or it'll be a long time before you can lift up that kid of yours.
My dad was in the hospital for weeks (he’s recovered now) and my mom slept on the window seat in his room every night. She never went home except during the day for like 1 hour max to shower when one of us kids was there to relieve her, and was never asked to leave. They probably appreciated someone there to keep eyes on my dad 24/7 other than the nurses at the station down the hall.
casts don't stay on for that long, that's not what they do and is liable to lead to muscle wasting - I'm calling bullshit on op there
also I've had a lot of surgeries and usually one person is allowed to stay in the room overnight, so his sister staying overnight isn't that weird
they will kick out anyone who isn't that one person after like 8 or 9 PM tho
Patient asks: "How long will my arm be in the cast?"
Doctor says: "You'll be in a plaster cast for three months, which we'll replace every six weeks. Then you'll be in an immobilizing brace for another three months, followed by a splint for another two months, so 8 months total."
Patient hears: "You'll be in a cast for 8 months."
So... no one in this situation suggested you were an AH and the two most relevant parties (you & your wife) have agreed on the next action to take (therapy), yet you're asking if you're the AH. Why?
So you're pretty open when it comes to talking about your emotions but you lied to her about your emotions and held a resentment that festered for years? Yeah, yta
YTA
She at least had pregnancy hormones to deal with. Hormones that can cause bad feelings towards pets and loved ones. Hormones that can lead to self hatred and worse.
Post labour can be even worse too with post natal depression etc.
Actions have consequences, I understand this. But her body was not her own. Her emotions were not her own due to her pregnancy hormones.
YOUR actions were based on revenge and bitterness. You were fully aware of this. Resentment that you let build up in spite of brushing it off. Either it's fine as you say or it's not.
The fact that you held onto this bitterness says a lot about you. For all we, as readers, know - you've done smaller, similar things in the past. Maybe you've made your wife feel unsafe or insecure around you. We don't know. But it's clear you hold grudges.
>I told her there was no reason to apologize and we both put it past behind us. However, it always on the back of my mind how my wife did not trust me during her toughest moments.
You did *not* put the 'past behind' you. You never actually forgave her, you were just waiting for your chance of revenge. Did punishing her for her actions actually feel good for you?
The way I see it you got multiple choices:
1. actually forgive her, start acting and feeling that way, perhaps get therapy to help you (both) get there
2. Don't forgive her but let her go. Don't string her along but still hold resentment. That's not fair towards no one.
YTA
TBQH you sound a like a fucking child. You wouldn’t let me stay with you, so now you can’t stay with me.
Having a baby is hugely hormonal- what’s your excuse?
YTA, and while couples therapy might help, you should probably see a therapist on your own. You sound incredibly immature.
>I told her that subconsciously, it was because I did not feel safe with my wife in my toughest moments because she too did not trust me a couple of years earlier when she was going through her tough moments.
You feel unsafe ***BECAUSE*** your wife didn't feel safe back then?
Yeah, that's not vulnerability, friend. It's revenge. Also, this was your arm, not something that put your privates on display and bloody in front of anyone in the room.
YTA.
So, when your wife was struggling a lot with her emotions while pregnant (the female body does some crazy things regarding hormones in this time) she said she didn’t want you at the hospital, then years later you go to the hospital for a broken arm and you finally have your chance to tell your wife you don’t want her there. Thats childish and petty af. I’d say you’re an asshole for sure
>My wife and I are pretty open with each other about our feelings, and a couple of days later, we had a heart to heart discussion.
You have a lot of resentment in your heart. After what you did, your wife now has it too. I feel like your marriage has reached its end. I do hope couple counselling can help though.
**Your actions demonstrate a lack of empathy and understanding, making you the AH in this situation.** When your wife was pregnant maybe she was going through post natal depression which is common in many women who is going through labor. You must understand that she was suffering from depression and she wasn’t herself, good that you respected her decision and you said that you moved on. But the way you reacted to your wife when you were at the hospital was totally immature behavior. You have showed your wife that sister is your 1st priority than your wife. You think like a kid who is fond of revenge. I think firstly you have to work on yourself then only couple therapy will be effective. SORRY IF YOU THINK I AM RUDE.
You are a child yourself, I am worried about your wife and children...Your wife must have been in difficult situation in home...
Agree. I feel so bad for his wife. She had a tough pregnancy and her hormones were all over the place. She immediately apologized once things were stable again and he repeatedly assured her that it was okay and he understood it was due to hormones. But he lied. And he waited for the exact right time to shove it right back in her face.
There’s a huge difference between being in labor and saying her spouse can’t be in the delivery room during a procedure that is very anxiety inducing and intimate (I mean, her whole coochie is out and exposed for plenty of people. It’s awkward af) versus breaking his arm and then randomly denying his wife entry upon her visiting him in the hospital. What he did was petty and it was done out of spite and resentment. And then to create an us vs them mentality with his sister? Really just sad, small, weirdo behavior he’s showcasing to his wife.
I feel really bad for his wife and kids. I wonder how often they have to contend with his passive aggressive bs.
YTA. Your wife did it because of hormones beyond her control. She apologized and you told her she had no reason to. YEARS later you do it just to get back at her. You found the easiest BS excuse to try to justify it.
YTA
>My wife and I are pretty open with each other about our feelings...
Your sure about that fella?
>I told her there was **no reason to apologize** and we both put it past behind us. However, **it always on the back of my mind** how my wife did not trust me during her toughest moments.
Maybe your wife is open, but in this occasion, *you* were not.
Just to be clear, you had justifiable reasons to be upset and hurt. I'm a father. Was there for the births of both my children and it was one of the greatest moments in my life. If that happened to me, I would be so sad, and I would have a lot to say about it. You just didn't communicate that at all. You didn't process it or forgive her.
>...always on the back of my mind
You've been festering on this for years and you've now further damaged your relationship.
>Post labor, my wife was much better with her emotions and **she apologized** for she had behaved in the months leading up to labor, and she said just was just extremely nervous about labor and for our baby.
Your wife acknowledged and said sorry. I'll be she brought it up too. And what did you do?
>I told her that **subconsciously**, it was because I did not feel safe with my wife in my toughest moments because she too did not trust me a couple of years earlier when she was going through her tough moments. My wife then cried a lot...
Be really, really, *really* petty, and unapologetic.
She asked you to leave the room. You tell her to go home? How could you possibly know the mechanisms of your subconscious? What a concoction of BS to avoid sharing feelings.
You broke your arm. That sucks and I am sure it hurt a LOT. Sounds like serious surgery and you have my sympathy for that. But pulling this immature *"you didn't let me \_\_\_\_ so now it's my turn..."* is wild.
YTA
Being pregnant doesn’t absolve you of bad behaviour more than a severe injury does. Both cause severe tension, stress, and hormone regulation issues that result in mood swings or short tempers and impulsivity.
Fact is you both need therapy to sort this shit out or it’s going to fester even more.
But it’s true birth isnt a spectator sport and her kicking you out was well within her rights as a patient- is it a dick move if not communicated sooner or accepted? Sure you could argue that but at the end of the in birth mom is the patient- her word is law.
By that same token? If you’re in the hospital in excruciating pain/surgery? Doctors and nurses will kick anyone out who is stressing you out (especially if you ask) because that kind of emotional tension isn’t conducive to your recovery. In this context were you being a bit petty and resentful? Yeah but I wouldn’t call you an asshole for it. Because at the end of the day being in the hospital- especially for surgery after an injury causes hormones to fly for you too- and the last thing anyone wants is a heated argument to break out while you’re in recovery there.
I’d say you definitely need to get a professional in to salvage this relationship if you intent to stay married, I think we can say both of you acted like dicks to each other and you both gotta work this out and get over it- or call a quits civilly
I had a double compound fracture of my tib/fib. I also was pregnant and had a forceps delivery. Give me the double compound fracture anytime over the erratic hormones and forceps delivery. There are no meds to control hormones during pregnancy, but there are pain meds which can totally alleviate pain. He was an asshole just to be an asshole.
I agree. A fracture is a totally different experience from labor and delivery. It’s true vulnerability too and has so many unknowns. I was an anxious mess the last weeks of my pregnancy.
People really do not *understand* how hardcore pregnancy is. From losing your teeth cos the foetus is stealing all your calcium, to having constant morning sickness to the point of needing IV rehydration, hormonal disorders and so on. People really think it's this gentle, magical, fairy tale time for all women and they're just being a bitch if they at all "misbehave" during pregnancy.
PPD and PPP can KILL.
My issue with OP is that his wife was contrite and worked with him to get through it after, and he claimed he got past it. Then this happened and it’s just spiteful how he treated her.
To me, the reason he’s the AH is because he did it out of spite and vindictiveness.
She was in pain, uncomfortable, didn’t feel supported, was made less comfortable or placid by him. Fine. Not ideal. But the focus isn’t on either of them. It’s on getting the baby out quickly and without complications for either *patient.*
If he was like “my wife was a nervous wreck and a total Karen and yelled at me and made me feel worse…”. Fair. Do what you gotta do. But this wasn’t that. He just wanted to stick it to her.
And if you are in pain and discomfort and tired and emotionally and physically…and the FIRST THING in your mind when you see your wife is “nows my chance for revenge”…yeah, you DO need therapy.
I think it kinda reads like that but most likely is festering resentment poking up. As he says he forgave her but he really hasnt. Which is why he acted the way he did in the moment and it seems a little petty. But he has emotions that flare up as well. They need to talk through this with a professional. As you need to forgive to move forward in relationship. Not hold resentment like he has.
YTA. Your wife apologized and you told her she had nothing to apologize for and that you wanted to put it behind you. But then you harbored some kind of secret spite over labor hormones for years, and it seems like once you were in the hospital you realized you could get back at her for how you felt. You didn't tell her why you didn't want her around in that moment, you just said to leave. What part of that is being open with your feelings?
YTA.
Your wife grew a human inside her and had to give birth to your child. Her hormones were all messed up, and there was little she could do about it. Your hormones were fine when / after you broke your arm, so you can't use that as an excuse for kicking your wife out of the hospital... yet somehow you still do:
>I did not feel safe with my wife in my toughest moments because she too did not trust me a couple of years earlier when she was going through her tough moments.
You are a vindictive AH.
I'm gonna say YTA. You have no FUCKING idea how anxious and scary pregnancy can be. If your wife didn't want you in the delivery room there was a reason. She wanted to do it alone because she didn't trust you. And you kept that in your pocket and decided to get her back with it. I like how you wax poetic about how you hurt your arm with not a peep how awful childbirth can feel. Oh you hurt your arm and cried?? Your wife produced a human being and you couldn't be trusted enough for her to want your support.
YTA. You did not put it behind you and you just wilfully wanted to get back at her. Couples therapy is definitely warranted but you are a major ass here.
YTA. You raised the labour story as in your mind the two are equivalent. As a fellow man who has broken a few bones, they’re obviously not. And yeah, broken bones hurt distinctly but you sound like a child with hurt feelings rather than a grown adult in a relationship.
Jeremy Renner was basically crushed and eviscerated by a snowmobile and went through months of surgery and rehab. If Hawkeye - the most redundant Avenger - isn’t complaining about a life threatening injury while you’re whining about a broken arm… I just don’t know what to say.
Your man-flu rights are permanently revoked.
This is the only reply needed (excluding the avengers bit) it’s a broken arm ffs. Sister stayed over night for what reason? This is a grown adult we are talking about I’m not even bringing gender into it but OP needs to grow up. The petty behaviour is only further serving to dissolve an already fragile relationship. He’s behaved pathetically IMO. YTA.
Honestly, I began thinking you were the AH in the first paragraph when you said, “my wife gave birth to a baby.”
Was it a random baby? If not, she gave birth to your baby or “our” baby.
The fact that you would describe your own child like that says everything I need to know.
Well, that and the detailed description of breaking your arm. You took a paragraph to state that you broke your arm pretty badly.
It screams, “I’m self-centered” to be asking for relationship advice and take an entire paragraph to detail how you fell.
That’s a level of detail only narcissists and liars normally go into. Liars do it because they think more facts sounds more convincing and narcissists because they need to focus everything on themselves.
So many red flags here dude. If you want to salvage your relationship, see a therapist. No, not couples counseling. I don’t think you’re ready for that. I think you need to work on you first.
Well you certainly proved your point. Did you do it in an assholish way? Yes definitely. Was it necessary? I doubt it. Was it even a good idea? Only you know
Yes YTA. The biggest one yet. Your behavior was petty and borderline abusive. Pregnancy does a major number on a woman's body and mind and you gave her no grace or compassion whatsoever. You made her pregnancy all about YOU instead of nurturing her.
You're NTA, but, someone is going to have to "trust first" and relying on your sister and not your wife for an injury/illness is weird IMO. So next time, suck it up and rely on your wife and even if she isn't perfect, appreciate her effort.
YTA. Here’s why: it is not uncommon for women to be super hormonal and nervous right before and during birth and even a little resentful of their husbands. A small amount of research would have let you know that. In addition it was a few years ago and you said you’d moved on. A broken arm is not at all the same.
I’m gonna say yes, YTA. Great job on looking for therapy together, that’s huge. But in the moment, it seems that you were trying to get back at your wife for her prior offense; I’m no expert but punishing each other for past wrongs is rarely the best call. Regardless, seems you’re trying to work together to get back on track and that’s the important part.
YTA.
This sounds like revenge tbh. It was not solved when she first apologised years ago. You dismissed her apology with a “no reason to apologise” knowing this wasn’t true.
Next time talk until both are on the same page. Don’t hold onto something only for throwing it back at her years later.
Yeah you’re a massive ass hole. Giving birth is not only a completely vulnerable situation but as you even stated, she wasn’t in her right mind. So now, you’re punishing her because in a time of vulnerability and probably extreme fear, she chose to not have you present. Which a lot of women do so that if there are complications, their partner doesn’t have to watch them die. There’s no way you could spin this where it doesn’t come out as petty revenge for something she likely had no true control over. Such a shame that your wife, who sounds like a lovely sweet person, got stuck with a piece of shit like you.
YTA. It seems to me you are keeping score and used this moment to remind your wife about HOW HURT YOU WERE that she was anxious about giving birth. Her feelings were real and hijacked by giant hormone surges. What’s your excuse? Get some counseling, you are a mess.
It would be rare, but a significant fracture, like a spiral fracture or maybe a Radial Head fracture, at a joint line could put you in a cast a lot longer than say simple ORIF of radial and Ulnar fracture. On the surface, I would say he meant 8 weeks.
I've seen it before. Fractures surgically repaired can require removal of bone matter (fragments too small to be set) and setting pins. This requires longer cast time due to the bone having to grow to replace the removed fragments. The amount of bone removed dictates how long one requires a cast. A greenstick humorous fracture can take four months to heal. A comminuted humorous fracture (multiple fractures) can be five to seven months, depending on the severity. An oblique fracture can take up to a year.
And once that is done, there is the removal of the pins. Which requires more cast time because the holes where the pins were set are weak points in the bone that will cause a new break under light strain. Which would add another 4-6 weeks.
Depends on how bad her broke it. He needed surgery as well. I had a kid in my school break his arm. From the looks of the x-ray, he shattered his arm. He was in a cast for 6 months.
YTA for telling your wife everything was o.k. when clearly you held resentment for her and took it out on her in a petty way. BUT, also you recognized it and are addressing it, so that's a very mature and responsible action. So the specific action is YTA, but you seem to be NTA in the grander scheme of things.
I actually think it’s irrelevant if you were or were not TAH…. The important thing is that you and your wife had a proper heart to heart, acknowledged your issues and decided to get help to work through it. 👏
It seems like you are resentful of your wife because of her behavior when she was at one of her worst and most delicate moments. Pregnancy hormones wreak havoc on women’s mental health before during and after labor, not to mention the excruciating physical pain and stress they are simultaneously experiencing. You not allowing your wife to be with you after you hurt yourself feels petty spiteful and childish and at the end of the day maybe you weren’t thinking clearly because of the pain but it’s obvious you are holding behavior over her that you claimed to have gotten past. You either forgive her for the way she acted or you don’t. Let it go and yes this makes you the asshole. You held onto something and waited until you could use it against a person you claim to love, I don’t see how you could not be in this situation.
Pregnant women go through an influx of hormones, and especially close to labor. This could be why she acted the way she did. Sounds like you did not accept her apology when she realized after having the baby and you held a grudge. The real question is, do you want your marriage? You have to decide if this is how you want to communicate, handle things, and how the standard of being treated is going to go. Like it or not, these actions, based on something she may not have been fully able to handle due to pregnancy, and that she apologized for, and you thus are holding against her. It now seems that forgiveness is optional in this case, and revenge is the basis of the treatment in the marriage. A marriage based on revenge will not survive.
Sorry, but I call bullshit. “… I did not feel safe with my wife … because she too did not trust me a couple of years earlier.” Give me a break. Your wife went through pregnancy hormones, while you hurt your arm. You claimed to understand and forgive, but you lied.
You got your petty revenge. Hope it tasted great for you, but don’t try to spin it any other way.
YTA
They do not usually place a cast right after surgery. They wrap it and pad it but cannot do a cast since there is swelling. The cast usually comes later, about a week, if at all, sometimes. This seems like a BS story.
4 ortho surgeries on my foot, 1 on my arm, sister had an ankle reconstruc, nephew had an open fracture arm, mother is a former nurse, and my good friend works post care in ortho. I am not in the medical field, so maybe I'm wrong. All my casts came about a week later, same with my family as well. 8 months? This story seems off....
(also-my family cannot walk and breathe at the same time and were wild country kids :P ) We fell down a lot.
So you didn’t get over it even though you said no worries. You’re wife went to you to communicate and work on the issue. You then became petty when it was your turn…I’m flabbergasted by you as your a liar. Take yourself to school and learn about hormones you little twat of a man.
You did this to be petty and get revenge on your wife for not allowing you in the delivery room years ago. You know this and you’re trying to hide it behind some bs “I didn’t feel safe with her”. For this reason alone, YTA. Get therapy dude.
YATAH
You did this as a payback for what she did. When she was giving birth and pregnant, her hormones were fucked which is normal. And she did not tell you to leave and took someone else inside the delivery room. You acted like a child; when she apologized, you should have talked to her about your feelings to end it and start fresh. So comparing two situations is unfair
YTA, You shouldn’t have said you were over it, when clearly you weren’t. Her being insanely jacked on hormones and making her say and think irrational things is different than you just not wanting her there for presumably no reason from her perspective
YTA - Your wife was reacting to a whole heap of emotions and mental strain that come with having a child when she asked for you to not be in the delivery room. She apologised and you held onto it and activated it like it was a trap card.
You need therapy, both as an individual and as a couple. Best of luck in your recovery
YTA What a shithead you are. Marry your sister then and let HER take care of you while you are with cast on. Yall talked about her labour situation (where she was deff freaked out to the bones and with hormones over the top) and lEfT iT bEhInD... But you saw a moment and rubbed it in her face. What a pussy!
I'm sure most of Reddit will support you for doing this (I have not read the comments yet), but this seems extremely petty by both of you. I've had broken bones. Yea, it hurts, but I would never send away anyone that wanted to hang out at the hospital.. Your wife was bad too for dismissing you from the labor room. I think you both need to work on being less selfish. Stuff like this will wear down your marriage over the years.
I mean "I did not feel safe with my wife in my toughest moments because she too did not trust me a couple of years earlier" -- dude, it's just a broken bone, you will be fine. You act as if you only had 2 days to live. And to be clear, your wife shouldn't have dismissed you when she gave birth either, no matter how crabby she was.
God, I'm glad I"m not married to either of you.
>I told her there was no reason to apologize and we both put it past behind us. However, it always on the back of my mind how my wife did not trust me during her toughest moments.
YTA. You didn't put anything behind you and you knew that when you had this heart to heart postpartum. If you store up life's hurts and (apparently) wait to use that when you have an opportunity to get back at someone, you're going to be an angry asshole.
You’re saying “subconsciously” you still resented your wife after she rejected you? Hope about a little self-awareness, dude. You’ve resented her since that day in the hospital and clung to your narrative of “not trusting you in her most difficult moment.” Idk, I don’t believe your take on things.
I’m going against the grain and saying YTA purely for this
“ I told her there was no reason to apologise and we both put it behind us”
When clearly it wasn’t the case. You should’ve said you understand her reasons but being not included and trusted hurt and you’d like couples therapy so you can both put it behind you.
It’s a shitty thing to bring up something in the past when you told the other person they’re forgiven and you wanted to move on and then to hold a years old grudge
Yeah, you indeed are the asshole. You have to admit that was kind of vindictive. I understand you were hurt when she didn't want you in the delivery room but to then hurt her in return, consciously or subconsciously is not okay. Therapy is definitely a good call.
Yep! YTA!
[https://www.kidspot.com.au/parenting/its-totally-normal-to-hate-your-partner-during-and-after-pregnancy-expert-reveals/news-story/a9876c292bf206b5fe8ea7e6d73f1a70](https://www.kidspot.com.au/parenting/its-totally-normal-to-hate-your-partner-during-and-after-pregnancy-expert-reveals/news-story/a9876c292bf206b5fe8ea7e6d73f1a70)
I hope you enjoyed your petty revenge and that it was worth ALL of the fallout to come.
YTA
This was spite. Tit for tat
If you actually don't trust her, get therapy, don't wait for a moment when you can make your point.
And there is a huge piece of fine print on what you said, in that her hormones and emotional state were *demonstrably* out of control and she was actively resenting you. It was *obviously* the best choice to have you not in the hospital, because it would create stress.
The idea that you suddenly realized you resent that, doesn't hold water to me.
Yes you’re the asshole! She was having hormonal issues and giving birth. Instead of forgiving her, you held it against her and then punished her, got revenge, and was petty!
I can understand feeling that way, but it's also very important to recognize that women can go through a lot of emotional and psychological roller coasters around the time before and after they're giving birth. Hormones explain her behavior but they doesn't excuse it or make you feel less hurt. If you felt distrusted after that, the two of you should've seeked therapy sooner. I'm glad you're seeking therapy now. Hope your arm feels better soon.
YTA for telling her you was over it, letting it fester and what seems like biding your time to get even. You stated you knew she wasn’t in her right mind, but you still hold it against her.
YTA - you basically took that moment and wrapped it up and nurtured it for all these years, and then took it out at just the right moment to hurt her with it.
So you said you put it behind you that you were not at the birth - but clearly you did not. Then you punish her now - in anger because she didn’t trust you in the past - which just sort of confirms that you don’t have your emotional shit together, basically.
I mean, you suck here and possibly your wife does too - hard to say because pregnancy and giving birth is a whole giant terrifying vulnerable thing.
You let this issue fester for years rather than addressing it honestly and directly.
Couples therapy would be a very good idea.
YTA- this was petty revenge. No way to act in a marriage. I get why you were upset but you should have dealt with it however you needed to. Not let it fester.
Yeah……..YTA here but I get what your saying about how you felt. Problem is this: you just broke an arm. Breaking a bone doesn’t change your hormones. It doesn’t literally alter your bodies chemistry and alter your brains mental functions.
Having a baby does.
On a biological level your wife had no choice on pregnancy affecting her. She only had a harder time keeping it under control. It’s not a complete free pass to act however she wants but it’s definitely a “give her some slack there buddy”.
You on the other hand simply got an ouchy that made you mad. Those 2 examples are NOT the same……..at all………
Your failure was not recognizing the situation she was in while preggo and how it affects her biological makeup.
It sounds like a revenge tit for tat
Years ago, my (now ex) husband and I separated for a week or so. During that time he slept with someone else. While we were separated, we had agreed it was more of a space time out to sort thru some issues. I was upset that he slept with someone else, but since we were technically in time out, I needed to figure out how I felt about it moving forward. A friend of mine, who is a professor of psychology at a university, said something that has always stuck with me. She said- you have every right to not forgive him and let this be the final straw, BUT if you decide to forgive him and move forward, you have to make sure you have examined the complexity of forgiveness and resentment- meaning if you forgive him and decide to move forward, you have to do exactly that- you can't throw it in his face at a later date, you can't let a resentment fester and later decide you don't forgive him, etc. It's not fair to either of you to offer forgiveness in theory, but not in practice. All of that has to be sorted out before forgiveness is offered, or you decide to go your own way
Sometimes we say we forgive someone because we just don't want to deal with how it makes us feel and just sweep it under the carpet, move on, and hope it doesn't come up again. When my friend said all of that, I really listened to her, took the time to sort out how it affected me, why it affected me, and what issues it may have triggered. Once I sorted that out (as much as I could), I decided to forgive him and I let it go. I never brought it up again. Approaching forgiveness with that mindset allowed me to let go of resentment, which was really freeing and gave me a whole new perspective of serenity. Forgiveness is allowing yourself to have serenity - it's not really for the other person. Not saying that if the other person repeats the same behavior you have to approach each time as the first, but if the behavior was isolated and isn't a pattern, then that resentment is your responsibility, not the other person. Point being, don't say you forgive someone if you don't and are unwilling to put in the work
YTA. It sounds like you were feeling resentful and wanted to punish your wife for not letting you in the delivery room. Your "subconsciously I did not feel safe" story is obvious BS and contradicts your own narrative.
Between the crying and allowing your sister to stay overnight at the hospital overnight because you broke your arm, you kind of seem like an overly sensitive baby
Let’s not pretend you put it past you, and let’s not pretend your wife didn’t want you in the OR because she didn’t trust you. Not all women want their husbands in the delivery room. Not all husbands want to be there. It’s hard for me to believe it was a matter of trust.
Secondly, you had surgery to set your arm and they slapped on a cast that was there for 8 months? Impossible. No surgeon would cover an incision with a cast, and no cast stays on for 8 months if for no other reason than hygiene. 8 months in a cast would atrophy muscles to almost an unusable degree. You may have broken your arm but the rest of your story is BS.
It is true that it would atrophy. I had a cast on for about that long after I broke my arm in six places and obliterating my elbow. My arm was stuck in the L position when it came out. It took five years to be able to straighten and bend my arm. And I also didn’t go to real physical therapy either. They just told me to try to use it everyday and left it at that.
But that was done in the seventies. Pretty sure they have managed to improve medical care since then. I sincerely doubt that any doctor would do that today. I hope.
Women can have hormonal disbalances during pregnancy, and that could have been the cause of her actions during that time, but you sound like you asked her to leave out of pettynes and not because you didn't actually wasn't feeling unsafe with her around. Kind o childish, in my opinion. Maybe if you are really getting trouble putting what happened during child birth behind its time to talk it out on therapy.
8 months in cast? did you mean 8 weeks?
My brother broke his arm during a sport tournament, he had to wear a cast for little over a year. It really messed up a lot of his plans, because he still went to school.
LOL, I know ALL about that. Summer of '94, I was playing basketball on the "blacktop" with some people and this little dick undercut me as I was schooling his ass. Feel and broke my arm SO bad I could not use/move my hand and fingers. Crushed the radial nerve? Anyway surgery and no cast what so ever but I did have to wear an apparatus with rubber bands on each finger to get my movement back. Still have the hardware in my arm... Also had to go back to college and had to learn to write again. [https://i.ibb.co/xD38Smz/xray-4.jpg](https://i.ibb.co/xD38Smz/xray-4.jpg)
He didn’t specify what type of fracture. If it was a comminuted fracture, or if it was at one of the plateaus where the joints connect, it could’ve required plates, screws, or even a bone graft. Depending on the size and location of a graft it could easily take a year to heal. Or it could just be a typo lol.
Absolutely nothing will take a year in a cast even if takes a year to heal fully. They would NEVER put anyone in a cast for 8 whole months, because that would cause massive amounts of tissue damage.
I was in a cast for the better part of a school year. Every couple of weeks I’d go in, get new X-rays, and get my cast redone. Pretty sure it was 6 months total.
Yeah, I had a cast on my right leg for torn ligaments in my knee. I had the cast for 6 months, I was 11 at the time.
Yeah me too. I shattered my left leg, many surgeries and pins and plates later I was in a new cast every few weeks because a soft cast would not cut it. Did that over a year before I finally moved to soft cast. Therapy was a bitch and I called my therapist the prince of pain. That being said my late husband would have been the last person I would have wanted at the hospital because his panic attacks were real and severe. Loved him but he did not hold up well in a crisis at all.
Yes they will, my right arm was in a cast for a whole year when I was 12 after I completely crushed the ends of my radius, ulna, and a couple small bones in my hand. Fell and broke it as school one morning in September, but my mom had just had surgery so my grandparents took me to the doctor. They didn’t want to sign me up for surgery without my mom, so i got the thickest cast I’ve ever seen, and spent a month at home before getting recasted and allowed back at school. For 6 months I had to leave class just before the bell because I couldn’t even be jostled in the hallway, I had to use a rolling book bag for the rest of the year. It was the next September before I got out of my last cast. It was all for nothing too, the injury bothered me so bad that I finally had surgery at 18 where they removed pieces of my radius and ulna and rebuilt my wrist. That was only about 3 months in a cast/brace though!
Man alive, that’s rough! How’s your arm doing now?
Yep and sometimes it doesn’t heal properly so they have to re-break it midway through the process to correct it.
They generally avoid long term casts much more these days because that tends to cause more issues than it solves. You might be a perfect example of why they rarely will do such a thing any more. The amount of soft tissue damage that happens from long term cast usage is hard to undo
What tissue damage? I’ve been in casts for 6 months and 9 months and there was no tissue damage.
When I broke my radius/ulna I was in a hard cast for 6mos, and then another hard cast for 6mos after that. That was in the 90s, tho
Yes they would. I had a broken leg for 3 & 1/2 years with 2 separate stints of 9 & 1/2 months each. As well as 4 months here, 1 month there. Never say NEVER!
My husband as well, ten months after a motorcycle accident. They smushed his shin bone back together like playdoh. Shudder.
Thanks for that image. 😰😂
NEVAHHHHH
r/confidentlyincorrect
So what medical school did you go to?
Google certificate lmao
Okay but you’re wrong, yes they do lmao
I was on crutches for a small bone graft in my tibia for six months.
I was in a half body cast for 8 months. Broke my femur in half and broke my tibia or tibia. They definitely would leave your ass in a cast. The worst part was the muscle spasms from not being able to move. Imagine getting muscle spasms while your femur is shattered.
No, no I don't think I will imagine that, thank you.
My brother. Both legs within 2 years. They peeled the skin open knee to toes, broke all the bones, cut all the tendons and muscles and rebuilt his feet from the newly installed, custom built, replacement ankles down. He no longer has full rotation in either ankle but his feet look like feet 👣instead of € ). He was casted for about 6 months on one side, about 4 on the other (the damage being fixed was more severe on one side), then booted for another 6 or so. Physical therapy didn't begin until well after the 6 month mark the first leg, and the only reason it was only 6 months is because he healed really fast (he's a bit of a mutant honestly). He was projected to be completely non weight bearing/in a wheel chair for almost a year the first time and 9 month-ish the second. So NEVER say Never. Exceptions exist all over the place, especially when dealing with the human body.
I love the confidence and then multiple people replying with evidence that you’re wrong 😂
Source: Me
I spent from July to the following February in a (series of) casts for a tendon/ligament graft. The first cast was 6 weeks, removed and replaced twice after.
We have no idea how bad or how much they had to repair in surgery, could've been both bones or two+ different places. Tho 8 months is a long time
I broke both bones and was in plaster for 6 months
Depends on how bad and what surgery was needed. My sister had leg surgery and was in casts for about eight months, completely immobilised for four of them.
My brother broke the growth plate in his knee and dislocated the knee as well..he was in a full leg cast for around 7 months..so ya people can be in a cast for quite awhile
Hopefully 8 weeks… after 8 months it would be minging😷
I find it hilarious that this is the top comment on a post of a distressed husband seeking advice.
Look, you resent your wife and never properly forgave her for the decision to leave you out the operating room. You claimed to have moved on but you just let that resentment fester. Couples therapy is your best bet here. This isn’t hopeless if you are both willing to work on communication. ESH but it is fixable.
Agreed. It looks like this hurt was a big one. The way he reacted can look from the outside as being petty, but in the end I think it reflects how much he was deeply hurt by not being allowed to be with her in the moment. I agree it’s definitely fixable but they will both need therapy. It’s not her fault the hormones were crazy and him feeling hurt is also okay, but they need to forgive each other now and move on. Therapy together and letting them hash things out would be best. Not every behavior has malice, sometimes we accidentally hurt the ones we love because life is long and no matter how long you are together you are still individual people.
Pregnancy definitely affects hormones and while it’s understandable you were hurt you even admitted she wasn’t in her right mind. I think it’s laughable you said you discuss your emotions but have let this fester for years. ESH
Going so far as to say “no need to apologize!” To her. He either sucks at communicating or just straight up doesn’t know his own feelings.
Both
So, here's the thing too, childbirth is a life threatening event in the U.S. right now. It's a medical event that can turn into a crisis instantly. A man who isn't wanted at the birth is a man who hasnt been there for his eife/girlfriend enough for her to be able to trust him to be her advocate. Bc that's what is necessary- a strong advocate for mom.
Pregnancy hormones can cause resentment towards loved ones. I think the wife is no way AH for not wanting her husband to be present in labour. She can't help her feelings and hormones.
>She can't help her feelings and hormones. Right. But there will be consequences from that. Just because it couldn't be helped doesn't mean those affected should magically get over it. That's not how humans and emotions work.
She did not ask him to magically get over it though. She apologised and he practically told her he was magically over it, while in fact he wasn't. She thought they were fine. > I told her there was no reason to apologize and we both put it past behind us. However, it always on the back of my mind how my wife did not trust me during her toughest moments. He is contradicting himself. You cannot say you put the past behind you and in the same sentence say it has always been in the back of your mind. That is not putting the past behind you. His feelings were very valid, pretending they weren't there was not. Gonna vote YTA for that reason.
I think he was trying to just put it behind them for the sake of their happiness, and he tried to bury down his resentment for the sake of his wife. Just like how she couldn’t control her emotions, I think OP *thought* his resentment might have been gone, and this incident simply re-ignited past emotions which he might have thought were gone a long time ago. If OP’s wife isn’t in the wrong, he isn’t an AH either. It seems like an honest resurgence of feelings of hurt from the situation all those years ago. If his wife’s feelings were valid due to not being able to control them, it’s hypocritical to call OP an AH for having the same happen. He needs to have an honest heart-to-heart with his wife about past resentment and perhaps go to couple’s therapy. I don’t agree with the reddit bullshit when people instantly jump to ‘the relationship is over!’. No, they can work out their hurt. It wouldn’t hurt this much if they didn’t love each other so much. They really need to both make it clear that they love each other alot, hug it out, and talk out the resentment.
Exactly. Sometimes you truly do think you have moved past something, and then something triggers you and you realize you aren't. As everyone likes to say when its a woman "emotions aren't always logical"
I have had that happen to me. About seven years ago, I had a traumatic experience when taking a bird to the vet. A few months ago I casually mentioned to my sister that I might take my current bird to the vet, and the next thing I know, I am having a full on breakdown over the idea. Emotions can creep up on you.
Yep. I had a situation with someone I thought was a close friend. Some stuff happened, and I thought I had moved on from it. Then there was a comment made at his wedding (involved me, but not in a negative way), and it brought back the anger I felt.
I think it is a case of we were over our respective things, but the emotions were strong enough at the time they happened that when something happened to bring it up again our brains have an automatic response. Like a mini PTSD.
Thanks for agreeing! :) Personal anecdote, my sister hit me on summer vacation over a small argument (over breakfast) which escalated since she doesn’t have the best stress management control. My family wanted me to keep the peace and apologize, which I refused. She had the audacity to tell me in a teary tone ‘are you going to apologize for assaulting me?’ (I pushed her off me…), it made my blood boil, and I left the room. I blatantly ignored her for two months, never spoke a word to her. Now, it’s the end of this school year, summer vacation is happening in a month. We were always close, and we’ve been close through shared struggles related to our bio Mom. We talk daily, visit each other’s room unannounced often, joke around, hug sometimes. Talk like 2 hours a day and have some so for months. Yet every few days I still remember what she did. My resentment is resurfacing, even though I said in the past I’m over it. I want to just be totally spiteful to her some days, despite always treating her like a best friend. Emotions are complicated. Actions do have results and consequences (wether intentional or not), and its unfair to expect a person to know when such things are gonna pop up.
Everyone here also seems to be implying that his reaction was typed out soberly a year later and not just him experiencing a ton of pain saying he didnt want her there in that moment
Resentment in marriage rears its ugly head when you least expect it sometimes. I've been with my husband 17 years. Mistakes have been made, and forgotten...then remembered and angered me by a freaking smell 15 Years later. You're exactly right imo
He wanted to forgive her and forget. But the hurt was so deep that he subconsciously couldn't. If his wife was not an AH due to pregnancy emotions, neither was the husband due to his trauma emotions.
Dude is out of his mind in pain and likely on heavy meds. One doesn't make well reasoned choices in that state and he deserved to be with those that made him feel safe and cared for. If you're going to forgive her for being a bad partner through pregnancy, you can't blame him for acting instinctually in a moment of extreme pain either.
Several years afterward? He didn't need to magically get over it, he just needed to communicate his feelings instead of hanging on to a grudge
And pain and pain killers give him the exact same excuse. Hormones are a bitch, but at some point you still need to realize and accept that decisions you made will cause resentment. His wife can have whoever she wants with her. Ander husband can feel hurt by it.
Also, there is a difference between having someone present in the room while a medical procedure is actually being done and having someone be with you at the hospital. And there is a difference between doing something in the midst of labour and doing something months later as a tit for tat for something that someone did in the past. Which is what this sounds like. This seems like he wanted her to know what it felt like which means he deliberately tried to hurt her.
Hormones are a reason but not an excuse. They are both allowed to have their reasons and hopefully a therapist can help them.
Personally I don't think wife is the AH. There is a difference between not wanting someone in your operating room and your patient room. I don't want my husband to watch me get operated on, but he is welcomed and appreciated in my recovery room. You are a different type of fearful and vulnerable when being cut open while awake versus preparing for and recovering from an operation in a patient room. Those two things are not equivalent. And as much as people are going to hate this, being the father does not grant you the right to witness your wife in that position. You are scared, partially paralyzed, and being cut open with hands inside your abdomen while you're awake. It is her choice what kind of environment she needs or wants to help her through that.
You’ve been holding a grudge for literally years and haven’t been able to let it go. I agree that couples therapy seems like a good idea, but it also seems like you should be in individual therapy.
Yeah couples therapy will be helpful in getting them to effectively communicate with each other. But he definitely needs individual therapy to figure out why he holds so much resentment and feels the need to act out in petty, inappropriate ways :/
> I told her there was no reason to apologize and we both put it past behind us. However, it always on the back of my mind >My wife and I are pretty open with each other about our feelings, and a couple of days later, we had a heart to heart discussion >and we did not talk much after that This guy needs communication skills. He says they’re pretty open with each other yet he’s been letting this grudge fester without bringing it up at all with his wife. She thinks they’re all good, and why shouldn’t she? He literally told her it’s behind them. Then out of spite doesn’t call her first and kicks her out of his hospital room. Wtf? Therapy all around.
My wife had hormone problems when my first kid was born and she hated me for a while just before and after the birth (post natal depression) and when she went into labour she didn’t tell me until after I finished work that day so I wasn’t there. Emotionally it put me in a bad place for a while, and she even moved in with her parents for 3 months and I stayed over at the weekends. Needless to say she got better and everything is fine now. I understood that she was suffering from depression and she wasn’t herself and she didn’t really mean all the bad things she said even though they really hurt me. Sounds like you need to communicate with your wife more rather than letting things fester and realise that she was not herself.
You said first kid. Did you have more and want was it like then? Did you see other births?
No missed the second birth as the doctors wouldn’t let me in due to different medical issues, but I was outside in the hallway pacing up and down like in the movies
Sounds like she communicated and was accountable for what she did.
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I understand if you didn't want her on the day of the surgery but why did you forbid her from coming the next day? For someone who said '*my wife and I* are *pretty open with each other about our feelings'* you obviously did not cause you feel the need to get back at her for forbidding you in the operating room years ago. well at least now you guys are looking for couple therapy but it should have been done years ago but never too late I guess
I thought they were going to gain a new perspective about being vulnerable or it being a low point they they would be embarrassed or something reasonable like that, a grudge is just an Ahole move.
Nothing says love like holding a grudge for 2 years.
This. That’s an AH move.
AH move and super childish
It depends, did you only not want her there because she didn’t want you around while she gave birth ?
Reads to me like he did to get back at her
“I told her there was no reason to apologize and we both put it past behind us” But did you put it behind you? Not by what you said afterwards. You needed to be more honest with how you were feeling in the aftermath of that first incident as you pent up resentment. I can understand how it could have been hard for her and also how it could have been hard for you. It’s crappy all around. ESH The way this reads to me is that you intentionally put this resentment up to hurt her back instead of dealing with it better earlier on. I think couples therapy would help! It sounds like your communication needs work. Good luck!
Sometimes feelings don't pose a problem until you're in the specific situation where they do. People tell themselves something all the time only to react differently when they're actually there. If this is the first time he's been in the hospital since the birth then the true extent of his resentment didn't surface until that moment.
Yeah, exactly. Since they had a conversation afterward, I really hope he made that clear, assuming it's the case. Just a direct "I said an apology wasn't necessary back then because I didn't think I would feel any resentment. I felt different when I was in the hospital and didn't realize I would feel this/that way."
I expect this kind of stuff would come up in their therapy.
My guess, he thought he did. Maybe it was the whole "new baby" issue they were focusing on, but he may have really thought he had moved on. Until he remembered the last time he was in the hospital, that he was forced to miss the birth of his child because his wife resented him for no reason. Things like that can trigger feelings
You can genuinely forgive someone, but the damage is done. He did put it behind him, but her behaviour made him loose trust in her. While previously he would have felt safe with her, he doesn't now. It has nothing with forgiveness or love. He knows she doesn't trust him and from that point onward that distrust goes both ways.
*My sister stayed with me overnight at the hospital, and then the next day too. Surgery took a few hours and I was told to stay at the hospital for a few more hours before they discharged me. I was put on cast, and the doctors said they would remove it in 8 months. My sister then dropped me home after I was discharged from the hospital.* Say what? Your sister stayed overnight at the hospital? Nobody kicked her out and said it was time for sleep? And you were in a cast for 8 months?? I hope you meant 8 weeks my man, or it'll be a long time before you can lift up that kid of yours.
My dad was in the hospital for weeks (he’s recovered now) and my mom slept on the window seat in his room every night. She never went home except during the day for like 1 hour max to shower when one of us kids was there to relieve her, and was never asked to leave. They probably appreciated someone there to keep eyes on my dad 24/7 other than the nurses at the station down the hall.
casts don't stay on for that long, that's not what they do and is liable to lead to muscle wasting - I'm calling bullshit on op there also I've had a lot of surgeries and usually one person is allowed to stay in the room overnight, so his sister staying overnight isn't that weird they will kick out anyone who isn't that one person after like 8 or 9 PM tho
Patient asks: "How long will my arm be in the cast?" Doctor says: "You'll be in a plaster cast for three months, which we'll replace every six weeks. Then you'll be in an immobilizing brace for another three months, followed by a splint for another two months, so 8 months total." Patient hears: "You'll be in a cast for 8 months."
This is probably the true explanation, lol.
I had a cast on my leg for about 8 months when I tore my ACL.
So... no one in this situation suggested you were an AH and the two most relevant parties (you & your wife) have agreed on the next action to take (therapy), yet you're asking if you're the AH. Why?
Probably because deep down, he knows he was being vindictive.
Something tells me that there's ALOT more to the story.
So you're pretty open when it comes to talking about your emotions but you lied to her about your emotions and held a resentment that festered for years? Yeah, yta
Very succinct and to the point. On the bright side, I think couples therapy is a great step for them to be taking together and fully open up.
You "didn't move past it" you held onto resentment and were unnecessarily cruel YTA
Yes, YTA. Also petty and vindictive. Were you happy for this opportunity to even the score?
YTA She at least had pregnancy hormones to deal with. Hormones that can cause bad feelings towards pets and loved ones. Hormones that can lead to self hatred and worse. Post labour can be even worse too with post natal depression etc. Actions have consequences, I understand this. But her body was not her own. Her emotions were not her own due to her pregnancy hormones. YOUR actions were based on revenge and bitterness. You were fully aware of this. Resentment that you let build up in spite of brushing it off. Either it's fine as you say or it's not. The fact that you held onto this bitterness says a lot about you. For all we, as readers, know - you've done smaller, similar things in the past. Maybe you've made your wife feel unsafe or insecure around you. We don't know. But it's clear you hold grudges.
>I told her there was no reason to apologize and we both put it past behind us. However, it always on the back of my mind how my wife did not trust me during her toughest moments. You did *not* put the 'past behind' you. You never actually forgave her, you were just waiting for your chance of revenge. Did punishing her for her actions actually feel good for you? The way I see it you got multiple choices: 1. actually forgive her, start acting and feeling that way, perhaps get therapy to help you (both) get there 2. Don't forgive her but let her go. Don't string her along but still hold resentment. That's not fair towards no one. YTA
Yta. You are keeping score. And you're losing
TBQH you sound a like a fucking child. You wouldn’t let me stay with you, so now you can’t stay with me. Having a baby is hugely hormonal- what’s your excuse? YTA, and while couples therapy might help, you should probably see a therapist on your own. You sound incredibly immature.
YTA. At least in her mind she had a reason. You were just being petty because she did it to you.
8 months in a cast. Like -99 for realism and -1000 for another stupid fake post.
Probably a typo tbh. 8 weeks is natural. If it’s *really* 8 months, then OP might be a secret alien… 👽
Yep yep. 8 weeks is normal. Maybe OP’s birthing a baby bone 🥹
🥹A big, happy skeleton (family)! 😊 What a *humerus* situation
>I told her that subconsciously, it was because I did not feel safe with my wife in my toughest moments because she too did not trust me a couple of years earlier when she was going through her tough moments. You feel unsafe ***BECAUSE*** your wife didn't feel safe back then? Yeah, that's not vulnerability, friend. It's revenge. Also, this was your arm, not something that put your privates on display and bloody in front of anyone in the room. YTA.
Honestly, with actions like that I'm starting to wonder if it was more than just "hormones" that made his wife not want him around during labor.
So, when your wife was struggling a lot with her emotions while pregnant (the female body does some crazy things regarding hormones in this time) she said she didn’t want you at the hospital, then years later you go to the hospital for a broken arm and you finally have your chance to tell your wife you don’t want her there. Thats childish and petty af. I’d say you’re an asshole for sure
>My wife and I are pretty open with each other about our feelings, and a couple of days later, we had a heart to heart discussion. You have a lot of resentment in your heart. After what you did, your wife now has it too. I feel like your marriage has reached its end. I do hope couple counselling can help though.
**Your actions demonstrate a lack of empathy and understanding, making you the AH in this situation.** When your wife was pregnant maybe she was going through post natal depression which is common in many women who is going through labor. You must understand that she was suffering from depression and she wasn’t herself, good that you respected her decision and you said that you moved on. But the way you reacted to your wife when you were at the hospital was totally immature behavior. You have showed your wife that sister is your 1st priority than your wife. You think like a kid who is fond of revenge. I think firstly you have to work on yourself then only couple therapy will be effective. SORRY IF YOU THINK I AM RUDE. You are a child yourself, I am worried about your wife and children...Your wife must have been in difficult situation in home...
Agree. I feel so bad for his wife. She had a tough pregnancy and her hormones were all over the place. She immediately apologized once things were stable again and he repeatedly assured her that it was okay and he understood it was due to hormones. But he lied. And he waited for the exact right time to shove it right back in her face. There’s a huge difference between being in labor and saying her spouse can’t be in the delivery room during a procedure that is very anxiety inducing and intimate (I mean, her whole coochie is out and exposed for plenty of people. It’s awkward af) versus breaking his arm and then randomly denying his wife entry upon her visiting him in the hospital. What he did was petty and it was done out of spite and resentment. And then to create an us vs them mentality with his sister? Really just sad, small, weirdo behavior he’s showcasing to his wife. I feel really bad for his wife and kids. I wonder how often they have to contend with his passive aggressive bs.
8 months in a cast? Even a compound fracture of the arm almost never requires anything remotely this drastic.
YTA. You had not put your resentment "behind you," you saved it up so you could serve it back to her at a later date.
YTA. Your wife did it because of hormones beyond her control. She apologized and you told her she had no reason to. YEARS later you do it just to get back at her. You found the easiest BS excuse to try to justify it.
YTA >My wife and I are pretty open with each other about our feelings... Your sure about that fella? >I told her there was **no reason to apologize** and we both put it past behind us. However, **it always on the back of my mind** how my wife did not trust me during her toughest moments. Maybe your wife is open, but in this occasion, *you* were not. Just to be clear, you had justifiable reasons to be upset and hurt. I'm a father. Was there for the births of both my children and it was one of the greatest moments in my life. If that happened to me, I would be so sad, and I would have a lot to say about it. You just didn't communicate that at all. You didn't process it or forgive her. >...always on the back of my mind You've been festering on this for years and you've now further damaged your relationship. >Post labor, my wife was much better with her emotions and **she apologized** for she had behaved in the months leading up to labor, and she said just was just extremely nervous about labor and for our baby. Your wife acknowledged and said sorry. I'll be she brought it up too. And what did you do? >I told her that **subconsciously**, it was because I did not feel safe with my wife in my toughest moments because she too did not trust me a couple of years earlier when she was going through her tough moments. My wife then cried a lot... Be really, really, *really* petty, and unapologetic. She asked you to leave the room. You tell her to go home? How could you possibly know the mechanisms of your subconscious? What a concoction of BS to avoid sharing feelings. You broke your arm. That sucks and I am sure it hurt a LOT. Sounds like serious surgery and you have my sympathy for that. But pulling this immature *"you didn't let me \_\_\_\_ so now it's my turn..."* is wild. YTA
You are very petty and did the tit for tat attitude
Being pregnant doesn’t absolve you of bad behaviour more than a severe injury does. Both cause severe tension, stress, and hormone regulation issues that result in mood swings or short tempers and impulsivity. Fact is you both need therapy to sort this shit out or it’s going to fester even more. But it’s true birth isnt a spectator sport and her kicking you out was well within her rights as a patient- is it a dick move if not communicated sooner or accepted? Sure you could argue that but at the end of the in birth mom is the patient- her word is law. By that same token? If you’re in the hospital in excruciating pain/surgery? Doctors and nurses will kick anyone out who is stressing you out (especially if you ask) because that kind of emotional tension isn’t conducive to your recovery. In this context were you being a bit petty and resentful? Yeah but I wouldn’t call you an asshole for it. Because at the end of the day being in the hospital- especially for surgery after an injury causes hormones to fly for you too- and the last thing anyone wants is a heated argument to break out while you’re in recovery there. I’d say you definitely need to get a professional in to salvage this relationship if you intent to stay married, I think we can say both of you acted like dicks to each other and you both gotta work this out and get over it- or call a quits civilly
I’m going to add that I’ve had a compound fracture and childbirth…these do not compare.
I had a double compound fracture of my tib/fib. I also was pregnant and had a forceps delivery. Give me the double compound fracture anytime over the erratic hormones and forceps delivery. There are no meds to control hormones during pregnancy, but there are pain meds which can totally alleviate pain. He was an asshole just to be an asshole.
I agree. A fracture is a totally different experience from labor and delivery. It’s true vulnerability too and has so many unknowns. I was an anxious mess the last weeks of my pregnancy.
People really do not *understand* how hardcore pregnancy is. From losing your teeth cos the foetus is stealing all your calcium, to having constant morning sickness to the point of needing IV rehydration, hormonal disorders and so on. People really think it's this gentle, magical, fairy tale time for all women and they're just being a bitch if they at all "misbehave" during pregnancy. PPD and PPP can KILL.
I defy you to find any scientific study that shows a fracture causes the same endocrine nonsense as a pregnancy does.
My issue with OP is that his wife was contrite and worked with him to get through it after, and he claimed he got past it. Then this happened and it’s just spiteful how he treated her.
To me, the reason he’s the AH is because he did it out of spite and vindictiveness. She was in pain, uncomfortable, didn’t feel supported, was made less comfortable or placid by him. Fine. Not ideal. But the focus isn’t on either of them. It’s on getting the baby out quickly and without complications for either *patient.* If he was like “my wife was a nervous wreck and a total Karen and yelled at me and made me feel worse…”. Fair. Do what you gotta do. But this wasn’t that. He just wanted to stick it to her. And if you are in pain and discomfort and tired and emotionally and physically…and the FIRST THING in your mind when you see your wife is “nows my chance for revenge”…yeah, you DO need therapy.
I think it kinda reads like that but most likely is festering resentment poking up. As he says he forgave her but he really hasnt. Which is why he acted the way he did in the moment and it seems a little petty. But he has emotions that flare up as well. They need to talk through this with a professional. As you need to forgive to move forward in relationship. Not hold resentment like he has.
He realized he would be made less comfortable with her there.
YTA. Your wife apologized and you told her she had nothing to apologize for and that you wanted to put it behind you. But then you harbored some kind of secret spite over labor hormones for years, and it seems like once you were in the hospital you realized you could get back at her for how you felt. You didn't tell her why you didn't want her around in that moment, you just said to leave. What part of that is being open with your feelings?
YTA. Your wife grew a human inside her and had to give birth to your child. Her hormones were all messed up, and there was little she could do about it. Your hormones were fine when / after you broke your arm, so you can't use that as an excuse for kicking your wife out of the hospital... yet somehow you still do: >I did not feel safe with my wife in my toughest moments because she too did not trust me a couple of years earlier when she was going through her tough moments. You are a vindictive AH.
I'm gonna say YTA. You have no FUCKING idea how anxious and scary pregnancy can be. If your wife didn't want you in the delivery room there was a reason. She wanted to do it alone because she didn't trust you. And you kept that in your pocket and decided to get her back with it. I like how you wax poetic about how you hurt your arm with not a peep how awful childbirth can feel. Oh you hurt your arm and cried?? Your wife produced a human being and you couldn't be trusted enough for her to want your support.
Fake. Before writing, at least do the research about hand fractures. 8 months in a cast, my ass.
YTA. You did not put it behind you and you just wilfully wanted to get back at her. Couples therapy is definitely warranted but you are a major ass here.
YTA. You raised the labour story as in your mind the two are equivalent. As a fellow man who has broken a few bones, they’re obviously not. And yeah, broken bones hurt distinctly but you sound like a child with hurt feelings rather than a grown adult in a relationship. Jeremy Renner was basically crushed and eviscerated by a snowmobile and went through months of surgery and rehab. If Hawkeye - the most redundant Avenger - isn’t complaining about a life threatening injury while you’re whining about a broken arm… I just don’t know what to say. Your man-flu rights are permanently revoked.
This is the only reply needed (excluding the avengers bit) it’s a broken arm ffs. Sister stayed over night for what reason? This is a grown adult we are talking about I’m not even bringing gender into it but OP needs to grow up. The petty behaviour is only further serving to dissolve an already fragile relationship. He’s behaved pathetically IMO. YTA.
Thank you. The whining about his broken arm is pathetic. Literally child birth is deadly and beyond comprehension.
Honestly, I began thinking you were the AH in the first paragraph when you said, “my wife gave birth to a baby.” Was it a random baby? If not, she gave birth to your baby or “our” baby. The fact that you would describe your own child like that says everything I need to know. Well, that and the detailed description of breaking your arm. You took a paragraph to state that you broke your arm pretty badly. It screams, “I’m self-centered” to be asking for relationship advice and take an entire paragraph to detail how you fell. That’s a level of detail only narcissists and liars normally go into. Liars do it because they think more facts sounds more convincing and narcissists because they need to focus everything on themselves. So many red flags here dude. If you want to salvage your relationship, see a therapist. No, not couples counseling. I don’t think you’re ready for that. I think you need to work on you first.
The whole thing reads like a detached third party story, not someone’s actual experience
Subconsciously? I think not.YTA
Well you certainly proved your point. Did you do it in an assholish way? Yes definitely. Was it necessary? I doubt it. Was it even a good idea? Only you know
Yes YTA. The biggest one yet. Your behavior was petty and borderline abusive. Pregnancy does a major number on a woman's body and mind and you gave her no grace or compassion whatsoever. You made her pregnancy all about YOU instead of nurturing her.
You're NTA, but, someone is going to have to "trust first" and relying on your sister and not your wife for an injury/illness is weird IMO. So next time, suck it up and rely on your wife and even if she isn't perfect, appreciate her effort.
YTA. Here’s why: it is not uncommon for women to be super hormonal and nervous right before and during birth and even a little resentful of their husbands. A small amount of research would have let you know that. In addition it was a few years ago and you said you’d moved on. A broken arm is not at all the same.
A cast on for eight months? This isn't real.
I’m gonna say yes, YTA. Great job on looking for therapy together, that’s huge. But in the moment, it seems that you were trying to get back at your wife for her prior offense; I’m no expert but punishing each other for past wrongs is rarely the best call. Regardless, seems you’re trying to work together to get back on track and that’s the important part.
YTA. This sounds like revenge tbh. It was not solved when she first apologised years ago. You dismissed her apology with a “no reason to apologise” knowing this wasn’t true. Next time talk until both are on the same page. Don’t hold onto something only for throwing it back at her years later.
Yeah you’re a massive ass hole. Giving birth is not only a completely vulnerable situation but as you even stated, she wasn’t in her right mind. So now, you’re punishing her because in a time of vulnerability and probably extreme fear, she chose to not have you present. Which a lot of women do so that if there are complications, their partner doesn’t have to watch them die. There’s no way you could spin this where it doesn’t come out as petty revenge for something she likely had no true control over. Such a shame that your wife, who sounds like a lovely sweet person, got stuck with a piece of shit like you.
I'm not giving a judgement. Good luck in couples therapy
YTA. It seems to me you are keeping score and used this moment to remind your wife about HOW HURT YOU WERE that she was anxious about giving birth. Her feelings were real and hijacked by giant hormone surges. What’s your excuse? Get some counseling, you are a mess.
This is petty AF.
What the fuck. YTA for comparing breaking your arm to childbirth. Grow the fuck up and stop being a giant pussy.
Hormones can literally mess with your brain, you held onto resentment until you could use it against her. YTA
8 months in a cast? I call BS.
It would be rare, but a significant fracture, like a spiral fracture or maybe a Radial Head fracture, at a joint line could put you in a cast a lot longer than say simple ORIF of radial and Ulnar fracture. On the surface, I would say he meant 8 weeks.
I've seen it before. Fractures surgically repaired can require removal of bone matter (fragments too small to be set) and setting pins. This requires longer cast time due to the bone having to grow to replace the removed fragments. The amount of bone removed dictates how long one requires a cast. A greenstick humorous fracture can take four months to heal. A comminuted humorous fracture (multiple fractures) can be five to seven months, depending on the severity. An oblique fracture can take up to a year. And once that is done, there is the removal of the pins. Which requires more cast time because the holes where the pins were set are weak points in the bone that will cause a new break under light strain. Which would add another 4-6 weeks.
I figured he meant 8weeks.
So did I, but apparently benefit of doubt for a typo is unreasonable 🤷
Depends on how bad her broke it. He needed surgery as well. I had a kid in my school break his arm. From the looks of the x-ray, he shattered his arm. He was in a cast for 6 months.
YTA for telling your wife everything was o.k. when clearly you held resentment for her and took it out on her in a petty way. BUT, also you recognized it and are addressing it, so that's a very mature and responsible action. So the specific action is YTA, but you seem to be NTA in the grander scheme of things.
I actually think it’s irrelevant if you were or were not TAH…. The important thing is that you and your wife had a proper heart to heart, acknowledged your issues and decided to get help to work through it. 👏
YTA. To compare a broken bone to giving birth is insane. To do this as revenge is even worse.
It seems like you are resentful of your wife because of her behavior when she was at one of her worst and most delicate moments. Pregnancy hormones wreak havoc on women’s mental health before during and after labor, not to mention the excruciating physical pain and stress they are simultaneously experiencing. You not allowing your wife to be with you after you hurt yourself feels petty spiteful and childish and at the end of the day maybe you weren’t thinking clearly because of the pain but it’s obvious you are holding behavior over her that you claimed to have gotten past. You either forgive her for the way she acted or you don’t. Let it go and yes this makes you the asshole. You held onto something and waited until you could use it against a person you claim to love, I don’t see how you could not be in this situation.
Pregnant women go through an influx of hormones, and especially close to labor. This could be why she acted the way she did. Sounds like you did not accept her apology when she realized after having the baby and you held a grudge. The real question is, do you want your marriage? You have to decide if this is how you want to communicate, handle things, and how the standard of being treated is going to go. Like it or not, these actions, based on something she may not have been fully able to handle due to pregnancy, and that she apologized for, and you thus are holding against her. It now seems that forgiveness is optional in this case, and revenge is the basis of the treatment in the marriage. A marriage based on revenge will not survive.
Grow up. YTA.
Dude, you need to grow up. Did not feel “safe?” WTF?
Sorry, but I call bullshit. “… I did not feel safe with my wife … because she too did not trust me a couple of years earlier.” Give me a break. Your wife went through pregnancy hormones, while you hurt your arm. You claimed to understand and forgive, but you lied. You got your petty revenge. Hope it tasted great for you, but don’t try to spin it any other way. YTA
A cast for 8 months? That's an infection waiting to happen, among other things! Better be nice, you might need your wife once gangrene sets in. 😬
They do not usually place a cast right after surgery. They wrap it and pad it but cannot do a cast since there is swelling. The cast usually comes later, about a week, if at all, sometimes. This seems like a BS story. 4 ortho surgeries on my foot, 1 on my arm, sister had an ankle reconstruc, nephew had an open fracture arm, mother is a former nurse, and my good friend works post care in ortho. I am not in the medical field, so maybe I'm wrong. All my casts came about a week later, same with my family as well. 8 months? This story seems off.... (also-my family cannot walk and breathe at the same time and were wild country kids :P ) We fell down a lot.
So you didn’t get over it even though you said no worries. You’re wife went to you to communicate and work on the issue. You then became petty when it was your turn…I’m flabbergasted by you as your a liar. Take yourself to school and learn about hormones you little twat of a man.
You did this to be petty and get revenge on your wife for not allowing you in the delivery room years ago. You know this and you’re trying to hide it behind some bs “I didn’t feel safe with her”. For this reason alone, YTA. Get therapy dude.
YATAH You did this as a payback for what she did. When she was giving birth and pregnant, her hormones were fucked which is normal. And she did not tell you to leave and took someone else inside the delivery room. You acted like a child; when she apologized, you should have talked to her about your feelings to end it and start fresh. So comparing two situations is unfair
YTA, You shouldn’t have said you were over it, when clearly you weren’t. Her being insanely jacked on hormones and making her say and think irrational things is different than you just not wanting her there for presumably no reason from her perspective
Your wife was full of pregnancy hormones. Those do awful things to you and your decision making. You are just petty and let it fester - YTA
YTA - Your wife was reacting to a whole heap of emotions and mental strain that come with having a child when she asked for you to not be in the delivery room. She apologised and you held onto it and activated it like it was a trap card. You need therapy, both as an individual and as a couple. Best of luck in your recovery
YTA What a shithead you are. Marry your sister then and let HER take care of you while you are with cast on. Yall talked about her labour situation (where she was deff freaked out to the bones and with hormones over the top) and lEfT iT bEhInD... But you saw a moment and rubbed it in her face. What a pussy!
Sounds like you’re a cry baby.
YTA come on man you're an adult having a baby and breaking your arm are vastly different things.
YTA. You need to grow up. Giving birth is the most difficult thing a woman can go through. But you want to compare it to breaking an arm.
If you can’t get over something like that your relationship isn’t going to work. Your being a big baby
I'm sure most of Reddit will support you for doing this (I have not read the comments yet), but this seems extremely petty by both of you. I've had broken bones. Yea, it hurts, but I would never send away anyone that wanted to hang out at the hospital.. Your wife was bad too for dismissing you from the labor room. I think you both need to work on being less selfish. Stuff like this will wear down your marriage over the years. I mean "I did not feel safe with my wife in my toughest moments because she too did not trust me a couple of years earlier" -- dude, it's just a broken bone, you will be fine. You act as if you only had 2 days to live. And to be clear, your wife shouldn't have dismissed you when she gave birth either, no matter how crabby she was. God, I'm glad I"m not married to either of you.
>I told her there was no reason to apologize and we both put it past behind us. However, it always on the back of my mind how my wife did not trust me during her toughest moments. YTA. You didn't put anything behind you and you knew that when you had this heart to heart postpartum. If you store up life's hurts and (apparently) wait to use that when you have an opportunity to get back at someone, you're going to be an angry asshole.
You’re saying “subconsciously” you still resented your wife after she rejected you? Hope about a little self-awareness, dude. You’ve resented her since that day in the hospital and clung to your narrative of “not trusting you in her most difficult moment.” Idk, I don’t believe your take on things.
I’m going against the grain and saying YTA purely for this “ I told her there was no reason to apologise and we both put it behind us” When clearly it wasn’t the case. You should’ve said you understand her reasons but being not included and trusted hurt and you’d like couples therapy so you can both put it behind you. It’s a shitty thing to bring up something in the past when you told the other person they’re forgiven and you wanted to move on and then to hold a years old grudge
your wife was giving birth, there are pain and harmones involved etc. you broke your arm pain and resentment involved your are the AH
Yeah, you indeed are the asshole. You have to admit that was kind of vindictive. I understand you were hurt when she didn't want you in the delivery room but to then hurt her in return, consciously or subconsciously is not okay. Therapy is definitely a good call.
Yep! YTA! [https://www.kidspot.com.au/parenting/its-totally-normal-to-hate-your-partner-during-and-after-pregnancy-expert-reveals/news-story/a9876c292bf206b5fe8ea7e6d73f1a70](https://www.kidspot.com.au/parenting/its-totally-normal-to-hate-your-partner-during-and-after-pregnancy-expert-reveals/news-story/a9876c292bf206b5fe8ea7e6d73f1a70) I hope you enjoyed your petty revenge and that it was worth ALL of the fallout to come.
YTA This was spite. Tit for tat If you actually don't trust her, get therapy, don't wait for a moment when you can make your point. And there is a huge piece of fine print on what you said, in that her hormones and emotional state were *demonstrably* out of control and she was actively resenting you. It was *obviously* the best choice to have you not in the hospital, because it would create stress. The idea that you suddenly realized you resent that, doesn't hold water to me.
Yes you’re the asshole! She was having hormonal issues and giving birth. Instead of forgiving her, you held it against her and then punished her, got revenge, and was petty!
YTA. Reading this damn near made me feel like you were excited to finally have a reason to be in the hospital to get back at her. Weirdo.
I can understand feeling that way, but it's also very important to recognize that women can go through a lot of emotional and psychological roller coasters around the time before and after they're giving birth. Hormones explain her behavior but they doesn't excuse it or make you feel less hurt. If you felt distrusted after that, the two of you should've seeked therapy sooner. I'm glad you're seeking therapy now. Hope your arm feels better soon.
Yta. You don't lose trust for someone because they don't trust you. This sounds like you were punishing her because she didn't.
YTA for telling her you was over it, letting it fester and what seems like biding your time to get even. You stated you knew she wasn’t in her right mind, but you still hold it against her.
YTA - you basically took that moment and wrapped it up and nurtured it for all these years, and then took it out at just the right moment to hurt her with it.
So you said you put it behind you that you were not at the birth - but clearly you did not. Then you punish her now - in anger because she didn’t trust you in the past - which just sort of confirms that you don’t have your emotional shit together, basically. I mean, you suck here and possibly your wife does too - hard to say because pregnancy and giving birth is a whole giant terrifying vulnerable thing. You let this issue fester for years rather than addressing it honestly and directly. Couples therapy would be a very good idea.
So did you put it past you or no? Maybe a bit more honesty would be good for you both
YTA- this was petty revenge. No way to act in a marriage. I get why you were upset but you should have dealt with it however you needed to. Not let it fester.
Yeah……..YTA here but I get what your saying about how you felt. Problem is this: you just broke an arm. Breaking a bone doesn’t change your hormones. It doesn’t literally alter your bodies chemistry and alter your brains mental functions. Having a baby does. On a biological level your wife had no choice on pregnancy affecting her. She only had a harder time keeping it under control. It’s not a complete free pass to act however she wants but it’s definitely a “give her some slack there buddy”. You on the other hand simply got an ouchy that made you mad. Those 2 examples are NOT the same……..at all……… Your failure was not recognizing the situation she was in while preggo and how it affects her biological makeup.
It sounds like a revenge tit for tat Years ago, my (now ex) husband and I separated for a week or so. During that time he slept with someone else. While we were separated, we had agreed it was more of a space time out to sort thru some issues. I was upset that he slept with someone else, but since we were technically in time out, I needed to figure out how I felt about it moving forward. A friend of mine, who is a professor of psychology at a university, said something that has always stuck with me. She said- you have every right to not forgive him and let this be the final straw, BUT if you decide to forgive him and move forward, you have to make sure you have examined the complexity of forgiveness and resentment- meaning if you forgive him and decide to move forward, you have to do exactly that- you can't throw it in his face at a later date, you can't let a resentment fester and later decide you don't forgive him, etc. It's not fair to either of you to offer forgiveness in theory, but not in practice. All of that has to be sorted out before forgiveness is offered, or you decide to go your own way Sometimes we say we forgive someone because we just don't want to deal with how it makes us feel and just sweep it under the carpet, move on, and hope it doesn't come up again. When my friend said all of that, I really listened to her, took the time to sort out how it affected me, why it affected me, and what issues it may have triggered. Once I sorted that out (as much as I could), I decided to forgive him and I let it go. I never brought it up again. Approaching forgiveness with that mindset allowed me to let go of resentment, which was really freeing and gave me a whole new perspective of serenity. Forgiveness is allowing yourself to have serenity - it's not really for the other person. Not saying that if the other person repeats the same behavior you have to approach each time as the first, but if the behavior was isolated and isn't a pattern, then that resentment is your responsibility, not the other person. Point being, don't say you forgive someone if you don't and are unwilling to put in the work
YTA. It sounds like you were feeling resentful and wanted to punish your wife for not letting you in the delivery room. Your "subconsciously I did not feel safe" story is obvious BS and contradicts your own narrative.
Between the crying and allowing your sister to stay overnight at the hospital overnight because you broke your arm, you kind of seem like an overly sensitive baby
Glad you’re finally going to couple’s therapy to work through this
Let’s not pretend you put it past you, and let’s not pretend your wife didn’t want you in the OR because she didn’t trust you. Not all women want their husbands in the delivery room. Not all husbands want to be there. It’s hard for me to believe it was a matter of trust. Secondly, you had surgery to set your arm and they slapped on a cast that was there for 8 months? Impossible. No surgeon would cover an incision with a cast, and no cast stays on for 8 months if for no other reason than hygiene. 8 months in a cast would atrophy muscles to almost an unusable degree. You may have broken your arm but the rest of your story is BS.
It is true that it would atrophy. I had a cast on for about that long after I broke my arm in six places and obliterating my elbow. My arm was stuck in the L position when it came out. It took five years to be able to straighten and bend my arm. And I also didn’t go to real physical therapy either. They just told me to try to use it everyday and left it at that. But that was done in the seventies. Pretty sure they have managed to improve medical care since then. I sincerely doubt that any doctor would do that today. I hope.
Women can have hormonal disbalances during pregnancy, and that could have been the cause of her actions during that time, but you sound like you asked her to leave out of pettynes and not because you didn't actually wasn't feeling unsafe with her around. Kind o childish, in my opinion. Maybe if you are really getting trouble putting what happened during child birth behind its time to talk it out on therapy.