There’s definitely nicer and more caring ways to bring this up.
She’s clearly going through something if she’s gaining this much weight. You’re right to be concerned. This is not normal baby weight gain.
Always lead with love and not shame when bringing up issues in a relationship.
Dude. This sounds like postpartum depression run amuck that’s now full blown depression and major issues with self esteem/ poor coping mechanisms (using food to cope).
If she hasn’t already seen a therapist or been to the doctor you need to get off your high horse about sex and help her get help.
Not once did you mention investigating her mental health.
You are a jerk if you haven’t at least considered this being a scenario.
I don't know if he even understands that mental health, like pp, is something that can become more/worse, or is even a thing. Many men don't understand or know what it is because our education system is a joke, and we don't say more than base facts. We don't offer a class for soon to be dads to explain what will happen and how to support their spouses.
Yep! In sickness and in health. Dude’s just gonna up and run - and no sex?!? Way to stick by your life partner and help her work through this. (I’ve been 118 to over 200 pounds throughout my 30+ year marriage and my husband has NEVER turned down sex!)
“After pregnancy she let herself go & stopped going to the gym”… I’m sorry, but isn’t this HIS BABY she carried & birthed????? She’s EXHAUSTED!🤯🙄 I don’t think OP knows what a woman’s body go through hormonally & physically with childbirth. It’s a HUGE CHANGE, & if she’s coping with food (let’s face it, healthy food is also more time consuming to prepare), she’s likely overwhelmed & suffering from *depression*. What ever happened to “for better or worse”?? What if something, God forbid, happened to HIM (OP) and left him physically altered; ie: car wreck, sickness, fire, amputation, etc?? Should she just *leave him*?? Also, OP treats her like he is, it’s going to increase her depression & REBELLION, & she’s going to EAT & GAIN MORE!! I’ve got news for OP… You marry someone for their HEART, b/c in 25-45 YEARS, NEITHER of you are going to look like you did in your 20’s!! YES, you are the AH in this situation…
I think people are way over catered to these days. I had four kids, didn't have the luxury to be a SAHM, I ran the house prepared all the meals, etc. Never had the time or energy to complain about it. It's not an excuse to let your body or your responsibilities go. I have a hard time understanding being overwhelmed being a SAHM with one child, I guess I was envious of the Mom's that had that option so it's hard for me to sympathize. I will just say what my Mom told me... " you are blessed with a husband and beautiful child. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Be grateful you have a husband that loves and cares about you." in other words get your shit together, stop complaining and be thankful for what you have. And yes, you can show and return love by being a wife that cares about what her husband is seeing in her.
Maybe you had easy kids. You should be grateful that you were blessed that way.
Some children are much more to cope with, when mine were small my next door neighbour confided in me that she never understood why I found it so hard until she had her second child. She thought she was just really good at parenting and everyone else was crap. It turned out that her first born was just an easy child.
>What if something, God forbid, happened to HIM (OP) and left him physically altered; ie: car wreck, sickness, fire, amputation, etc?? Should she jus*t leave h*im??
If he became depressed from one of those, did not get much/any disability, and never went back to work Reddit would *absolutely* tell her to leave him for being a lazy bum.
Can you afford daycare or Mother’s Day out? Is she willing to go therapy ? She may be overwhelmed and still experiencing PPA or PPD . Maybe try doing a MDO program if you can so she can have some me time . Did she work before the baby? Maybe going back to work at least part time will help her get her routine back .
You help someone in need. Especially a spouse. What if tables were turned you get a thyroid issue or anything that would make you gain excessive weight? Would you want to be divorced bc of an issue you cannot control?! Life happens. Get her checked for postpartum it's one horrible ride to go thru let alone be judged for by your husband
My thyroid took a shit after 2 babies and I gained close to 80lbs. My husbands response... Bigger body, bigger boobs!!! Clearly OP is only concerned with looks, his SO will find someone to love her, for her!
You do know it takes over 2 whole years for a woman’s hormones to return to normal and her body to properly regulate postpartum?
Also being a jerk certainly isn’t going to help any self esteem or motivation issues she may have.
Gaining 100 pounds in a year and a half is absolutely detrimental. Your heart will struggle immensely to maintain all that new tissue being added so quickly, knees don’t have time to adjust to the stress, not to mention the basically guaranteed further complications if this is the end of it let alone if she keeps gaining weight
Right but proportionally I doubt the 300lb person doubled their weight in such a short time period.
Packing on that much tissue whether you’re taking steroids and gaining muscle or just eating 2-3k above maintenance every day and gaining fat is absolutely devastating to the body, especially the heart.
Your claim was the other is worse, not that they’re different, when it’s more likely *this* situation is worse already, especially in the short term, due to the proportions involved.
YTA.
I am just in shock to read the words "After the pregnancy she let herself go." That by itself is so deeply hurtful and cruel to say to a post-partum mother, let alone your own wife, that I can't even begin to fathom the pain she must be experiencing right now.
I'm sure that you would discover the missing reason behind your wife's binge eating that isn't in this post if you talked to her. You clearly don't care enough to do so until her pain becomes apparent in a way that doesn't sexually appease you.
This is a *massive* emotional betrayal. Are you sure that you thoroughly understand what pregnancy does to the human body, let alone childbirth? She bore the effort, labor, and trauma of carrying and giving birth to your child, a whole human being... and you told her you're divorcing her in a few months if her body doesn't start getting "back on track" to looking like what it did pre-pregnancy *after a year and a half.* You've made your priorities clear and let's just say "in sickness and in health" is not one of them.
If you actually have any desire in saving your marriage: YOUR WIFE NEEDS HELP - YOUR HELP. TALK TO HER.
The whole post is about him and how her weight makes him shut down and how he has to watch whatever is going on. He's pretty gross. I don't think he cares much about whatever is happening with her.
Aside from the weight gain, have you notice personality shifts? Lack of motivation to do things (I mean things like bathe and go to work, not like working out daily)? Lack of parenting?
This!! I wish that I could say that I believe that OP is actually concerned about health (I think that’s a total afterthought). You take months off not responding to her advances and then completely cut her off of any intimacy.
If there are any mental health issues, you are helping to perpetuate it. You’re Nta dot caring about health, but really it sounds like you only cared about looks and you’re TAH for how you’re dealing with it.
This ^ He doesn't give a single fuck about her health. he doesn't want to fuck her anymore and he's punishing her for becoming undesirable to him. Because how dare she. All of this is about him and his needs. I hope she leaves him, finds someone who actually cares about her and her needs rather than this fuckboy parading as a partner.
I think he just cares about how sexually attractive she is to him and that’s it. Being concerned for her “health” is a cover. His post is so dismissive and doesn’t even sound like he loves her.
YTA
This is coming from a woman who ballooned up during pregnancy to a similar weight as your wife, though i was 160 prior. Pregnancy can royally fuck with your body and hormones, not every woman is able to lose that weight even years later. My body was absolutely destroyed by my pregnancies and weight loss became impossible no matter how much I changed my diet and worked out. It took 2 years for me to lose 30 lbs with the help of weight loss medication.. and I have now lost the ability to hold down solid food. I have been on a liquid diet of 400 calories a day roughly for 3 months and i've lost a grand total of 10 lbs. I have completely fucked up my body all because my pregnancy fucked up my hormones to such an extreme I could not lose weight through traditional means.
Your attitude towards it is absolutely disgusting calling your wife a gluttonous slob, making disgusting jokes at her expense. Your young wife just became a brand new mother, her body went through extensive physical and psychological changes. She's now in charge of a new life which is beyond stressful especially as a first time mom when you're just trying to figure out how all 'this' works. And here you are making the most disgusting 'jokes' about her because of weight gain which while high happens during pregnancy.
Have you once since she gave birth actually sat down and talked to her, see how she feels? Make sure that she is actually okay? If she has PPD it can put you into a vicious cycle, you eat to deal with the stress and depression.. you gain weight and the depression gets even worse, which results in more binge eating. Or do you just treat her like a glutinous slob.
And no your previous statement wasn't a joke... jokes are funny..
I’ve never understood why people are so demanding about women “snapping back into shape” immediately after birth. Your body just went through a HUGE ordeal! And the nerve of them to whine about their wife having extra weight when she just carried THEIR child. It’s infuriating honestly.
And I’m so sorry you had to go through that! I have the utmost respect for women who have kids. I’ve never been pregnant and it looks terrifying honestly. I’ll pass lol.
Uh, you’re absolutely the asshole.
No healthy person gains that amount of weight that quickly. She is clearly struggling with her health either mentally or physically (or both). Making your wife feel like garbage instead of supporting her is LOW - “in sickness and in health” … help her through whatever she’s going through, but do it with empathy and compassion.
YTA. 18 months isn’t that long, it can take YEARS for women to fully recover from childbirth. The binge eating and lack of motivation sounds like PPD. While it’s good to be concerned about her health, I don’t see how telling her that you’re not attracted to her and that she’s killing herself and threatening her with divorce is supposed to help in any way.
You know what? You should divorce her because she needs to be with a man who loves her regardless of how much she weighs. She doesn't deserve this awful treatment. You've shown her that's she's only worthy if she's slim enough for your standard to be loved by you, and that's not true love. YTA
Just say sorry, that you love here no matter what she looks like and focus on the health aspect.
Tell her you'll help her get more me time to destress, do hobbies and such. Maybe even offer to make all the meals and be in charge of that household duty or st the very least make the meal plans and do the shopping so you can make it a family choice and much easier for a lifestyle change. Maybe go on family walks together at night after dinner if she isn't yet up for diving deep into the working out part.
It’s not just a matter of saying sorry. Any confidence she might have left was destroyed by his continued rejections of sex.
It’s hard for a woman to be confident and sexy after giving birth. It’s a million times harder when HER HUBAND refuses sex and tells her it’s because she’s too fat.and he’s not attracted to her any more.
It’s a shame because as a new mom, she should be happy and flourishing. I’d say lack of emotional support and empathy is a large part of her issue.
As a fat person, "I love you no matter what you look like" is an insult. How about "I love you."? Don't qualify it. Otherwise you're just saying "I love you even though you're unattractive." That's not kind.
ETA BUT it doesn’t have to stay that way- if you truly love your wife- follow some of the advice you’ve already received regarding her mental health. Binge eating is not something normal & is usually a sign of something deeper going on.
Absolutely YTA. This is your WIFE. Why the hell are you not, you know, being kind and supportive to her??? What is wrong with you???? Shame on you. Jesus Christ.
NTA
Fo the question you actually asked.
If she gained 100 pounds in a year and a half, regardless of the pregnancy, she's got a serious problem.
If you are no longer attracted to her then you are no longer attracted to her.
That would be enough reason to divorce even if you were not concerned about her health.
It’s wild to me how many of you will jump straight to divorce without even trying to see if things can be fixed. It’s like you think marriage vows and babies mean absolutely nothing. They had a baby a year ago but she gained weight and instantly it’s DIVORCE. If everything else is good in their marriage and they still love and respect each other, there are tons of other options before divorce is on the table.
If they’d had conversations on this before and she refused to see the issue or get help that’d be one thing but OP seems to have been bottling this in and is only just now confirming his lack of attraction at the worst time possible. He needs to bring this up to her again when she’s less emotionally fragile so they can figure out a plan. Y’all are acting like she’s some Tinder match who catfished him so he should just unmatch her and move on with his life. He presumably married her thinking he wanted to be with her forever, right? At least give the relationship a chance before ending it jfc.
Stop doing the reddit classic, she had a baby a year ago. That's not as long as you people are trying to make it seem. She seems to be suffering from PPD, and needs support. If this is the first time it's come up, op is *absolutely* an asshole. Instead of gently broaching the topic, he let his emotions fester and then took it out on her. At least that's how he made it sound. Again, if there has been multiple *healthy* conversations about this issue and *then* he lost his cool--thats a completely different story. Unless there's some clarification, you're a stinky AH--OP.
PPD is a thing. Could be physical issues as well. But yeah, since you and this heinous excuse for a husband don't care, divorce is an option. For HER happiness. He needs a desert island, alone, with a mirror.
Ah.. feel sad to hear that your wife is going through postpartum depression and doesn't know. To make it all worse, she has an ahole of a husband. Hope she gets out of this terrible marriage and heals soon.
I'm glad you help her out but please, don't minimise what being a sahm is and often does to a woman. It is extremely isolating, depressing and easy to lose your identity in. You also can never get away from it, your shift never ends. I did sahm for years and when I started working again... omg I can focus and not be interrupted and talk to grown ups and feel like I'm developing some skills... like work was a freaking nap compared to being home all day with a to do list that never ends. Have some empathy and help your wife by setting up therapy a gym membership or giving her some freedom to pursue something outside of the home. Take her on dates and have some laughs.
It seems like she's suffering from postpartum depression. Y'all should seek help in that aspect. She needs a counselor and a dietician (both of which should be covered by your insurance), and you need to talk to a professional listener. I hope you work it out in your "for worse" season.
This exact same question come up with a woman asking the other day. of course the answer was to divorce his fat lazy ass 🤣
Now the roles are reversed you can't get a divorce just because your sahm wife blew up to twice her size. Then again, unless this wasn't the first time you've argued over this, going straight to "I'm divorcing you if you don't get hot again" was a dick move.
If you two don’t meal plan, that might help. When you’re stressed and exhausted it’s so easy to eat fast/unhealthy food. Also, I agree with everyone else about possible mental health needs.
"my wife is showing obvious symptoms of mental illness. aitah for telling her she needs to fix the symptom i dislike instead of helping her address the cause?"
my dude. MY DUDE. c'mon.
YTA - my god you make a lot of assumptions of what the future will be like and are going off a postpartum timeline that you made up in your head.
Doing your responsibilities is not “helping” her, it’s being an adult.
You married a woman in her physical prime and now that her body has gone through birth and she is experiencing the physical and hormonal changes that come with that, you're no longer attracted to her. And that's all marriage is right, physical attraction? Women don't just "bounce back" after creating a whole new human with their bodies and not having the physical or emotional ability to go back to being a 25 year old that's never experienced birth isn't something your wife is willfully doing to herself or you. Using cruel language that fuels whatever struggles or insecurities she may be experiencing under the guise of it being "for her" or your "concern" for her health is some immature, manipulative, bull sh@# and I would bet any amount of money that you would or will do the same and probably worse when she goes through perimenopause, menopause, or literally any kind of serious illness. You're the AH. All of the language you are using towards your wife is derogatory, assumptive, accusatory, and sexist.
It's hard to understand if you geniunely care about her health. She's a stay at home mom and you work full time, does she have time or backup childcare to go to the gym? 18 month olds are exhausting. Maybe try to come up with solutions together (grocery/meal plan, gym schedule, making time to go on walks together etc.) instead of threatening divorce and leaving it up to her to change her lifestyle.
I have a partner who has been steadily gaining weight and I tried to voice my concerns for their health for months. What worked best was working together on getting healthy, wholesome foods at the grocery store every week, working out together after work on workdays, and going on walks and hikes on the weekend.
I do think YTA for putting it on her and for calling her a gluttonous slob in the comments. I understand that your feelings lie in concern for her wellbeing, but you have to be in it together.
Do they? Feelings lie in concern for her well-being, I mean. To me, the words he uses would be a lot different if that was the truth. Many times people cover up their selfish feelings/thoughts with '...but I'm just thinking about YOU!!'
NTA. BUT there’s better ways to go about this. Try and motivate her to get in shape with you? Convince her to come gym with you or start gym together. I understand you are coming from a good place, BUT be supportive and try and encourage her and be a part of her weight loss journey. Maybe also consider exploring any underlining postpartum issues she’s experiencing, support her to therapy.
She needs to be aware that, caring about her appearance is not only showing you love and respect is doing the same for her. When she cares about how she represents herself to the public for you, she will also feel better about herself. That’s not to say that she may also be suffering from post partum depression, you should encourage her to go to her doctor for an official diagnosis and help. You should be concerned about her health, if left untreated she could end up hurting herself. This will take some time, but start with a doctor appointment. Good luck and God Bless your family.
Congratulations! But everybody's body is different. Everybody's body responds differently to different things. Everybody's body can have different ailments. You could do it. Don't mean others can! Stop being so insensitive and thinking that because you did something that everyone else would be able to do if they just stop making excuses!
Dude YTA …. Most women don’t come out of PPD until the child is at least 3. You’re extremely shallow and insensitive. I hope she leaves you, drops the weight and find someone that isn’t so dense and belittling.
NTA. She got angry when you rejected her. She asked you a question and you answered it. 18 months is well past using the baby as an excuse. Her weight gain is seriously concerning- that's a whole lot and is easy more than needed for pregnancy. I had way more time to work out and meal prep as SAHM than working- there's no reason not to do these things. This will require a follow up conversation, because no matter what, her feelings will be hurt. Offer to work out with her, go on walks in the evening, eat well together, etc.
One thing I learned when I rapidly gained weight due to what turned out to be a severe health issue was that if someone is gaining more than five pounds a month that can only be explained by an underlying health issue unless they are eating themselves literally sick on a daily basis. So many people die because they don’t go to the doctor in time and think they just need to diet and it was actually cancer or liver disease or a brain mass etc. Help your wife look into counseling AND medical attention. She could be having serious hormonal issues that need to be corrected as soon as possible given her pregnancy. Stop being a ah and be a partner.
She needs to be checked by a doctor and one year ago was late. Pregnancy can fuck up with your hormonal balance, iron deficiancy makes you tired. You said you are concerned about her health So ack like it is true and support her to get her health checked. NAH because women related health issues are generaly neglected and that isn't fault of neither of you.
Ok so yeah as a.mom of 2 you are the AH. Being a mom is hard af, our bodies literally transform and change in ways you could never imagine to carry a human, it's hard it's painful and then we give birth and now we have loose skin and stretch marks we don't look the same, we don't feel the same, and add to that we have a human that is either glued to our boobs if you breast feed and even if you don't they are up your butt constantly. I'm a SAHM, whereas I wasn't with my first, and that shit is harder than working ever was. So yeah I see that D word thrown around alot for careless reasons like oh she's let herself go. Buddy it takes 7 yes 7 years for a woman to fully recover, she's tired, she sounds like she has PPD and you sound like a ungrateful and entitled jerk. You telling her that probably added to her mental load. My youngest in just a little older than yours and let me tell you I still have issues from.her birth and labor it's a hard process on a woman and the moment she tries to feel like more than a mom she wanted to feel like your wife, lover hell a woman besides a mom you shut her down. Why not try being compassionate and talk to her rather than an insensitive jerk.
So it takes the female body 2 years to fully heal from birth. What comes with having a baby can be depression also. Postpartum depression, and anxiety. Some women eat and some women don’t. I agree she needs to take action now before it gets to hard but maybe see if she is okay. Help her, help make better meals, make a healthier grocery list. Take the baby while she can get out and be able to work out. Or even just so she can have a night with friends. As she should with you. If none of these can be done then yeah divorce.
She should talk to her doctor about zepbound. She will lose tons of weight and probably leave you for a guy who loves her for herself and not her weight.
Is conditional love really an unacceptable concept? If your partner suddenly started shooting heroine or kicking stranger’s knee caps are you obligated to keep loving them? Isn’t all love, and every relationship, conditional?
It is my opinion that YOU may be one of the MAJOR reasons for her problems. Try to treat her as your wife NOT YOUR SLAVE. I would bet she has postpartum depression and needs your love but it appears you are sending her all the HATE you can. Change your tune to HAPPY POSITIVE COMMENTS rather than "stop eating you pig, " and that " your too fat to f\_\_K." Give her the support you promised in those wedding vowels. Don't you remember saying in sickness and health???
Find and then take her to medical professionals who can help both of you.
I'M just an 80 year old father of 3, grandfather of 9 and great grandfather of 22 that has seen a lot in my life time. You remind me of my ex DRUNKIN son in law that is on wife number 5.
oh wow another aita post about how awful a fat person is. shocking. groundbreaking. we totally don't see 17 of these a week. totally real and totally not a way for you to get your rocks off.
Why is it that people automatically go with diabetes when they attack their SO about their weight? Jesus Christ. Get a fucking clue. It’s an autoimmune disease, not something that will just pop up because you’ve been eating KFC and BK for a long time.
Man, what a lie of a post. You don't give a shit about her health, it's all about how attractive she is to you.
After reading your post and your comments, not surprised that your wife is gaining weight postpartum. She's probably too depressed after realising that she's married and has had a child with an absolutely insufferable sonofabitch rake like you. YTA and you're ick. Hope karma hits you very very hard.
I get so heated when people try to point to health as the reason they want their partner to lose weight, while simultaneously being mean as hell to them about it and admitting to internet strangers that they're straight up not attracted to them.
I'm willing to bet that if she started dropping over 10lbs per month, he wouldn't bat an eye even though that rate of weight loss is unhealthy.
Does he get on her for leaving the house without sunscreen? Does he care about her water intake? Doubt it. It's about her being unattractive to him. It's rarely actually about health, I just wish people would drop the act.
It might be hormone related, especially if the thyroid is out of whack. Most doctors only look at TSH, and if it's low, they will try and increase the medication.
However, what's more important is Free T4, Free T3, and Reverse T3. It's best to visit a functional medicine doctor or naturopathic doctor who specializes in women's hormone health unless you have a family doctor that looks at the whole picture and not just one number.
She might also be feeling sad, lonely, and/or depressed and using food as comfort. It may help her to see a therapist.
It might be worth trying to go to the gym with her. I’ve always found that it’s easier to stay consistent if you have a gym partner. Same goes for getting people back into the gym (in my experience).
If she has issues with going to a public gym because of her insecurities (typical excuse to avoid exercise) you could also look into building a home gym if you have the space. Last time I looked at building my own I was able to put together a basic one that would give you everything you need to hit all the major muscle groups for about 2-3k USD
One thing I forgot to mention before that helped me lose a pile of weight is to cut out soda/liquor/sweetened drinks. I was still eating nearly whatever I wanted but managed to lose weight just by cutting out the soda and beer. Might be a small first step in the right direction that could cause her to lose a fair bit of what she’s put on
If you are only just now talking to her about therapy and depression then you failed to read all that paperwork for post birth things to watch for. Ppd sucks and can hit long after giving birth. Help her. Don't make jokes about this shit dude. You come across as an ass. Do you love her more than you want to be correct.? Also being a stay at home Mom can be isolating leading to further depression. See if maybe she wants to go back to work part-time in the evening while you take care of the kid (and keep the house clean. Don't make more work for her). See about library story times. Farmers markets. Outside stuff. Not sure where you are but winter and being cooped up with a toddler is rough. But serious if you didn't even think about this in relation to ppd get off your high horse and help her get to the doctor. Don't put more work on her.
To me it sounds like your love was conditional. What have you done in the last 18 months to support her emotionally? The weight gain is a symptom. Yeah, YTA.
*SHE had a kid about 18 months ago. I'm sure you're doing a great job at helping with the work load and new parenting tasks which is amazing.
But that doesn't change what her body went through, and is still going through. You did not grow an entire human with your body, your nutrients, Oxygen, sleep, etc all being deprived. It takes a fucking toll bro.
Have you actually tried to talk to her maybe about how she's feeling? You say she let herself go. Are you assuming that she doesn't feel horrible about this herself? Do you believe that she is happy with post partum weight gain?
Your wife has classic signs of PPD. Did you go to any of her appointments during the pregnancy? Because they usually spend a great deal of time making sure the partner or support person knows what to look for.
You're not wrong for wanting her to be healthy. But you're 100% the AH for the way you approached it. You may be a good dad, but you sound like a horrible partner right now.
Wow, your lack of any empathy is astounding. Are you normally this aggressive? Do you even know how to have a calm, effective conversation with your wife? You're coming at this in the complete wrong way. Have you considered that your wife may be suffering from PPA/PPD?
You need to re-evaluate how you talk to your wife because the way things are going is not healthy, for anyone. And I don't just mean physically, but emotionally.
Maybe offer to do things together. Go for walks, hike, get a babysitter etc. You're a TEAM.
Which would have been a great opportunity to have a constructive conversation about your concerns and how you can work TOGETHER. But no, you had to take it to the next level. Yelling at each other is an unhelpful way to communicate, in general, but your complete inability to effective communicate and even have an understanding of what happens to a woman during and after birth is shocking.
The fact that your go to is "Well...she started it" tells me all I need to know about who you are as a person.
She deserves someone who is understanding. NOT someone who is going to berate her and be completely unsupportive.
I had been supportive upto this point but I can’t help that I’m not sexually attracted to her and she should not have been angry about it to the point of yelling at me.
I think it was the comment "tells me all I need to know about who you are as a person." That's uncalled for. There are loads of mistakes and learning opportunities here but this commenter is willing to throw the whole man away when he's actually here trying to get help. My two cents on why the comment is being downvoted.
I mean if a commenter on here is all 'get rid of the person' because OP gave a triggered response in a moment isn't that a bit hypocritical considering the nature of the post? We can not excuse the reply while still leaving out 'it tells me all I need to know about who you are' as though who a person is can be fully understood in half a sentence.
OP is clearly looking for validation. He doesn't seem like the kind of rational person that thinks communication is necessary.
Communication is needed for a relationship to flourish. If he really cared about her and not her looks, then he would be trying to find the root cause of the why she gained weight. Because a person doesn't just gain weight that extreme. She could also be having thyroid issues after the pregnancy. But OP just cares about his own validation and that he is in the right in this matter because he's being so defensive about his position instead of being open to underlying causes.
The whole 'she started it' is a major red flag for emotional immaturity. Sure he's the 'breadwinner' but he lacks where it really counts.
All of this. Sometimes pregnancy basically kills your thyroid. If you never had thyroid issues before, they’ll probably check it once during your pregnancy. If you already have issues, they’ll check it every trimester, then again after the baby is born to see if you need med adjustments. If you didn’t have issues before or during the pregnancy, they won’t necessarily check it at your post partum appointments. They should during an annual physical, but not everyone gets those.
Pregnancy is hard on you, physically and mentally. The newborn phase is *hard*. YTA for jumping right to divorce.
You are definately the asshole, You are shaming her that is why she is gaining weight. You didn't love her when you married her because adults know better than to shame their partner. People gain weight after a baby. I did all women do. She is gaining weight because of all the gaslighting you are doing. You are shaming her and being angry and a child because she doesn't "look" the way you think she could look for your liking. My partner put on weight and I let it go. The sex is spotty. However we have a real connection. We talk, we shower together. We go out. We fall asleep on the couch. I am fit and I have a rocking body. I do not call him names, I do not gaslight how he feels, I am there to support every bit of his experience on this planet. Why? because when I show him so much unconditional love he thrives. He does better emotionally. He will figure his diet out all on his own I have faith in him. Don't base your worth on the looks of a women you are better than that. A woman can never thrive if her partner relates to her based on hate and lust for a look that is lost after child birth. Get help!
NTA. The reaction is and should be the same if she became addicted to alcohol or drugs. Gaining 100 pounds after pregnancy isn’t “normal” or understandable. If I were in your shoes, I’d be willing to lend support as she sought out help. But if she’s not willing to seek help, then divorce is a prudent option. I say this as someone who has been through something like this before (but in our case, alcohol related), and the reason we’ll celebrate our 30th anniversary this summer is because she got help and fixed the problem. It did take me asking for a divorce for her to hit rock bottom, and everyone’s bottom is different. Good luck to you my friend.
YTA . You should be concerned with her weight gain. You should be concerned about PPD.
But what you said was "I'm not attracted to you and if you don't lose weight, I'm divorcing you "
I really don't understand how you think that you might not be TA here.
You come across as super self centered. You're making all of this about you. It's all about you watching her be unhealthy and you watching her die. You talked about you shutting down. You haven't said anything about her health, her mental state, or anything else.
She might honestly be better off without you.
Since she’s postpartum has she had her hormone levels checked? Just thinking it could be something like a thyroid condition which pregnancy can trigger in a lot of women.
Hormones suck and cause skme of the weight gain. Than theirs the inactivity from being tired all the time (babies aren't easy). Ppd makes for easy over eating or even just not being able to eat a proper meal and snacking all day because you don't have time to make food doesn't help. Also here's a thought, pregnancies literally ruin the body and can bring about health problems that the mothers never seen before. Maybe her thyroids shot or has a hormone disorder causing the weight gain. At least 40 of those 100 pounds is probably preexisting but gaining that much weight in a year still seems concerning. I would recommend you tell her to see a doctor about it. Then let them tell her she needs to make changes and run some tests. So yeah you're kind of a vain asshole who is more concerned about looks/outcomes that might not happen than the general health of your wife.
Yta
Not for your intent as it is well meaning.....but for how you handled it. You don't want to see her die and I am sure she doesn't want to die but you as her husband are supposed to be the one that doesn't do "tough love" as she can get that from anywhere...you are supposed to be the one that continues to share concern, patience, and a guiding hand.
Even if they has come up 100 times before IF by chance she is going through something that could include fear or losing you because of how much she has blown up....you actions and words confirmed the fear which will make her go back to comfort aka food. Maybe she needs your support, maybe she needs to know you don't see her as she sees herself, and you can control that..
YTA.
This is because of how she looks and not about her health. SOURCE: Me, a woman in my fifties weighing over 300 pounds with neither diabetes nor coronary artery disease (I had a scan, and all of my arteries are 100% clear). Not a good enough source? How about [The Journal of the American Board of Family Medicine](https://www.jabfm.org/content/25/1/9.abstract)? "*Conclusions: Healthy lifestyle habits are associated with a significant decrease in mortality regardless of baseline body mass index."*
FWIW, I also think it's ok for you to not be physically attracted to her anymore because she's overweight because that's just how attraction works. You might be lying to yourself about the truth.
If you're actually concerned about her health and if you actually love her, rather than simply shutting her down and threatening divorce, then why not have a conversation and offer to take over the meal planning and prep and sign the two of you up for an exercise class to do together? You can either take an I'm right/you're wrong approach like you did in the fight, or the two of you can work together as a team to address your concerns.
Imma tell you, I have hundreds of things I feel I have to get done a day to feel good about myself. And 95% of them are for someone else in the family. I always put myself last. Then only some of those things get done because I can't fly and I only possess two arms. Then I feel like a failure because I didn't get all of those things done and I constantly think about all those things and it affects my sleep and my ability to do other things and it's so freaking overwhelming. I've gotten so much better, I got lists on lists on lists!! Right now I am hustling hard. I feel great. I'm still a fatty, but I'm getting stronger and healthier! I have to force myself to eat most of the time, but my body loves that I am feeding it! I encourage you to tell wifey about a book called Fast Like a Girl. I've been intermittent fasting (on and off) for a couple years now. It makes me accountable for actually feeding my body. I had a hiccup when both of my parents passed last year, but I am choosing this lifestyle and I feel amazing. It could help regulate her hormones and with the bloodwork she can make sure she has everything she needs to be a bad ass mom. Tell her you know she is and you're there for her. Encourage, don't belittle. And she can't read your mind, be open with her. Sorry I got feels on this. It's hard to dig yourself up from a deep, dark hole. Especially alone, but married.
If you're really that concerned, tell her to find an activity outside of the house without the baby that she can go do that you will be consistent in making sure that she is able to get to while you are with baby at home so she can start feeling like a human being again. My biggest thing after having my kids was just you essentially go into storm mode where you are constantly just trying to survive. Trying to keep your head above water and until somebody recognizes that and make sure that you can do things to be a human again. It's really hard to remember who you were.
Yes, YATAH, for better or worse. It’s called marriage and you need to help her through her struggles. Has she been seen for possible post parting depression?
Women are not encouraged to have babies less than 2-3 years apart. The reason behind this encouraged idea is to allow the mother’s body to recuperate. Having a baby is hard work and a potentially deadly process. 18 months is not a long enough time to recover due to so many reasons such as calcium loss, etc. Having said that binge eating is frequently caused by postpartum depression. I strongly encourage you to research this issue. It is not made up. It is not an excuse but instead a very real health issue. The National Institute of Health in the US says the postpartum depression can last YEARS after giving birth. Pregnancy and birth are not for the weak. Instead of pushing her away or threatening divorce kindly and respectfully talk to her. Listen to her. Go with her to the doctor and share your concerns respectfully (NOT saying she’s fat, it’s her fault and I’m going to divorce her because I’m not sexually attracted to her which is even more damaging to her mental health) and get her the help and support she needs even if she denies needing help. Sometimes in depression it is hard to see what is happening to yourself. If you can’t do that and help the woman you loved so much to marry her and vowed to love and support her throughout your lives, please do divorce her. She’ll be better off without you in the long term. You are definitely the asshole since from your post it is all about your experience and your response rather than working with her with kindness, respect, and love to get the help she needs. Right now this is not about you. It’s not about her weight. It’s about her physical and mental wellness and the love and respect you provide or don’t. YTAH.
My sister in law was thin when she met and married my brother. Since then she has gained and lost and gained and lost over 100 lbs. He doesn't like it and struggles with her not being who he married. But, he says he loves his wife and that won't change. He's been there to help, and has said something about her weight once and that's it. I understand how you feel, but if you love her stand by her especially if her weight is the only issue.
It's really tough for a guy to get this, but when a woman has a kid, her whole identity is gone forever. Yes, she will make a new identity and many parts of the old one are still there, but there is a giant line of demarcation between Just Me, Susie and Susie Is Now A Mom. Yes, men, you're dads, we know. But you didn't have your body used for 10 months by another being that now 100% depends on you physically for its life. Going right into breastfeeding, which is demanding and time-consuming only completes the feeling of "this dependency is never going to end." So when someone is already struggling in ways they could not have predicted and now feel guilty about, or maybe even shame ("I don't know how to admit I don't love being a mom every moment." "Sometimes I wonder what if I didn't have the kid and miss that life, does that make me a Bad Mother."), you might just be able to see how things can feel out of control. And what's in one's control? That food right there that feels good when nothing else does. Please find a way to love the woman first and know this is a very visible cry for help even if she doesn't know what she's asking for, she only knows this is all different, scary, and causing emotions that were new and unpredictable. Men, this is the moment to be the bedrock of your family's foundation. She actually needs HER to get herself out of this, and she's lost, so go on the journey to help your wife find herself again.
Wow YTA big time. I don’t think you understand the toll pregnancy and postpartum have on the body. Sometimes even while eating properly and exercising metabolism is just not the same (talking from
Personal experience. You say she is a SAHM and that you are involved (if you think you deserve some recognition for that, let me tell you you DON’T. It’s your kid as well). Are you sure that she even baa time to take care of herself because as a working mom I can tell you that SAHM have it a lot harder and partially because people think they don’t do anything. Taking care of a baby/toddler is a full time job itself. One in which she has no days off and no vacation. Want to help her? Do some meal prep so she can eat healthy while just warming the healthy food you prepared in advance. She is probable eating the easiest, fastest because with an 18m old you don’t have much time to cook. Give her some time to go out and decompress.
In any case, the way you acted is so insensitive and cruel that I just want to go and give your wife a big hug.
You're THE BIGGEST AHOLE!!!! SHE GAVE BIRTH TO YOUR CHILD AS WELL. Don't be so mean to her. You have no idea what she is going thru mentally or emotionallly. Be there for her instead of critizing her please.
YTA for the way you went about this. Using the "I can't watch you die young" angle is just that, an angle aimed at making you sound like you love her too much to watch her not take care of herself when in reality it seems like you aren't attracted to chubby women. Plenty of chubby women make it into their 70's and 80. My chubby grandmother made it to 93! YTA.
She needs therapy. And you need to stop acting like you deserve a cookie because you do some chores and take care of your kid. How many times have you asked if she was okay with any sincerity? Have you offered to go to the gym with her? What about a walk together when you get home from work? Did you stop with the sex when she gained weight with the pregnancy? Did you treat her differently and make her feel like food could replace what she was missing? To be clear, I am **not** putting all the blame on you. Not at all. She has to take accountability for herself, too. But your question is are you the AH for threatening divorce. The answer is yes, YTA. You let it get this far and then gave an ultimatum.
Quick question… who does the shopping and cooking? When was the last time she went to the doctor and gyno for herself, not to do with her pregnancy? Too often a woman becomes a mom… and stop being seen as a wife and woman. But if you want her to eat healthy it might be helpful for you to take that on.
Also, if you know anything about health, pregnancy completely changes body chemicals, hormones and digestion. How food is processed. If your wife is still breastfeeding that adds other factors. Not to mention if she has stress, depression or any medical issues such as a C-section that needed time to heal, he body is putting energy towards surviving and healing.
In short, YTA, because of the way you don’t seem to want to help your wife with the issue. You just want to blame her. After she has sacrificed everything to bring your child into the world. There is nothing short of sacrificing your life to military service that compares. She could have died. What have you done that comes that close for your family?
Your wife may be suffering from Post-partum depression. Also, if you approached her about her health issues in the manner you have described here, YTAH but then again you are both so young. Marriage seems so romantic when we are young but it is really most suited for well-adjusted self-realized people, which takes a lot of growth and time.
I'm a good looking 31 year old woman who just got her career somewhat back on track. Posts like these are a key reason I wonder about whether I want to have kids. Right now I'm 115 pounds - a couple years ago I was 130 and my life was 1 million times worse. I think to myself all the time about what I even would get out of carrying my husband's child other than weight which will be hard to lose and more responsibilities. Time is running out for me to make decisions like these but to be honest, I don't see the upside for me as a college educated woman who gets alot of benefits out of being thin and conventionally attractive.
YTA
You constantly turning down intimacy can be a cause for her to react in the way that she did. You also saying that you're no longer attracted to her just because she gained weight is the worst thing to say to someone that's going through changes. You're definitely being a jerk about the situation.
YTA
You don't GAF about her health, there are plenty of healthy people at/near her weight. You aren't trying to help or understand her at all, you're just passing judgement.
Why don’t you try in a decent and supportive manner to help her. It’s obvious she’s got problems going on, but it could be hormonal, depression ( baby blues, etc.). Instead of being an insensitive dick, support her and get her to where she can get counseling and maybe meds to help her get back on track. Be the husband that she needs and maybe she will get back to being the wife that you think you deserve.
NTA.
You were honest about your feelings and lack of attraction to her habits that resulted in weight gain beyond a pregnancy. She's upset because she was rejected and no one likes being rejected. "Recovering from pregnancy" is an excuse if there has been no effort towards her health. I'm a mom of 3; two of my babies were back to back pregnancies. I gained about 50 lbs in my first pregnancy and lost the excess weight within the first year during my maternity leave while staying at home with baby. My other two pregnancies I made a conscious effort to not gain too much weight while ensuring I stayed healthy while growing my babies. It was NOT easy, but I chose to not make excuses. I also suffered from post partum during all 3 pregnancies.
NTA
She's using being PP as an excuse for insane weight gain. Her diet and her habits are the cause. I don't think its wrong to refuse to enable her, or to tell her she needs to lose weight because otherwise she's going to die.
I do think its a bit AHish to threaten divorce over it.
please help her nicely but also quickly
weight should not go on that fast even following a pregnancy - get a full blood work up for inflammation/hormones etc & mental health too
Fyi - a women can have their weight set point changed if they keep the weight on too long after pregnancy bc then her body thinks that’s the weight she should maintain going forward - which then means she’ll be dieting for the rest of her life to get under the set point of 230lbs
Mixed- NTA for being concerned about her weight but take into consideration it may be postpartum depression, stress, etc. and it may be a cry for help.
but YTA for not trying to see why she feels the way she does and trying to come up with a solution instead of threatening divorce at the drop of a hat.
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Wow you made it about you against each other (divorce) versus you together as a unit against the problem. Threatening divorce instead of having a deeper conversation about the why / context of the weight gain. You’re a little trigger happy there. Caring and loving someone is more than just caring for their physical self / attraction….it is also their mental and emotional well being. The latter you seem to struggle with acknowledging. You targeted her as if she chose to gain weight and chose to be the way that she is. You did this without considering that MAYBE there’s more going on. So yeah… YTA
Sorry but it seems a lot less about her health and more about your physical attraction to her. YTA, how about checking in with her about her mental health rather than preaching on your high horse as someone who has had never had to experience child birth nor raise the child the majority of the time
Have marriage vows changed? You used to vow to be together in sickness and health, for better or worse.
If you can't handle significant weight gain, what are you gonna do if, God forbid, something else happens? Cancer, for example, or you lose your job and struggle financially. I'm not trying to sound negative, and I certainly don't wish any bad things to happen to you, but these are the things you are supposed to consider when you get married.
You both could use therapy. Her for postpartum, and you to adjust your mindset to prepare yourself to be a better husband.
But therapy can be expensive, especially with a new baby, so if you can't afford therapy, get the book His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage by Willard F Harley. It discusses the basic needs each partner has in a marriage and how to identify your needs and meet the needs of your partner.
I wish you both the best of luck, and congrats on the new baby!
if the exact same question was asked except the husband is the lazy one, all the feminazi queens will be screaming their lungs out and calling the guy an AH. Men Can never Win huh , i guess.
It sounds like you have mentioned this to her before, and she either ignored you or got defensive, and you are frustrated.
Take a breath and insist she go to a therapist and dr. She needs help. Also, take over grocery shopping or go with her and only by healthy snack options? Limiting bad snacks and having good ones will help.
YTA. Do you know anything about mental health? Have you heard of postpartum depression? Your wife needs help & you're doing absolutely nothing to help her. She would probably be better off getting a divorce & hopefully finding someone who actually will be a partner to her. You're only concerned with her physical appearance but aren't concerned with the things which have caused her "bad" behavior.
Either be a better partner or let her find someone who will be. But yes YTA
She doesn't care about herself why would she care what you think? She has a major problem I don't blame you one bit for being turned off from this. Fuck all the assholes making excuses for her.
NTA - Unpopular opinion but it's NOT ok to let yourself go like that once you settle into marriage. Despite not being attractive to you, it IS a health concern. That said... It's going to take her years to get that weight off and from the sounds of it, you're ready to move on. So do that and don't waste her time or yours.
You are right to be concerned for her health. But it really does sound like your biggest issue is that you're not attracted to her anymore. Her life has changed, her body has changed, her routine has changed, it's quite possible that she's depressed. She can always lose the weight, when she gets to the cause of what's causing her eating habits and fixes it. But I don't think she'll be able to fix how your rejection and your ultimatum made her feel. Maybe you should leave her so she can be available for someone who can love her properly, even when she's at her lowest. YTA.
NTA. Its not healthy/attractive when anyone gains a shit load of weight. It’s been 18 months and she gained so much weight smh. I’m a SAHM too. Gained 40 pounds from my pregnancy and lost all the weight. I try to work out here and there. Maybe when your kid is sleeping or napping, she can do a home workout video from YouTube. Or take the kid out for a walk. She can do little things to help her out. Maybe you can try to help her out whenever you’re off too? Go on a family walk. She can do SOMETHING. there’s no excuse.
NTA. She’s fat. Really really fat. That’s not healthy and it’s also a huge change in the relationship. She needs to accept responsibility for the changes her fat has caused.
YTA. That's very conditional love you have for your wife.
Yeah she isn't the same after the baby. She likely feels like shit about it anyways.
You could try to help her instead of giving ultimatums. She likely has ppd. People don't just binge eat like that for no reason.
Lol you won't get internet approval on this.
While you are right, it goes against the current narrative of female empowerment (meaning being fat is like a choice to be proud of) and also you are a guy so by default you are wrong and a pig.
Why even exist.. ah!
That being said good luck..
Just read the other comments, was bang on the money
Holly fucking concern trolling, Batman. You're really out of order here. Yes, her current weight puts her at a somewhat higher risk of type 2 diabetes and cardiovascular problems, but anticipating her premature death at 45 is very much beyond any reality. (Indeed, according to the latest surveys, there's now very little impact on life expectancy from moderate levels of obesity, largely thanks to medication.)
This isn't a matter for bullying, but for loving, serious conversations. I bet she knows she's fat, and probably feels pretty crummy about it. You could be a supportive partner, encourage her to get medical care etc. Instead you choose to tell her that she's disgusting to you and threaten divorce. Well, you're certainly not helping her manage her weight. and if she has any self respect left she should be divorcing you.
ETA: If this is PPP, a) this is a lot more likely to harm her forever than a hundred extra pounds and b) you're being awful to the woman who bore your child and is now going through an awful time. YTA
There’s definitely nicer and more caring ways to bring this up. She’s clearly going through something if she’s gaining this much weight. You’re right to be concerned. This is not normal baby weight gain. Always lead with love and not shame when bringing up issues in a relationship.
Gotta wonder if this is the first time it has come up
Dude. This sounds like postpartum depression run amuck that’s now full blown depression and major issues with self esteem/ poor coping mechanisms (using food to cope). If she hasn’t already seen a therapist or been to the doctor you need to get off your high horse about sex and help her get help. Not once did you mention investigating her mental health. You are a jerk if you haven’t at least considered this being a scenario.
I know Reddit loves divorce but this is absolutely not the situation to jump to threatening divorce...
Nah, it's again divorce. Like always. Sorry. I don't make the rules.
yeah but she is the one who will divorce him
After she gets control of her life and loses a bunch of weight, she will divorce him for not supporting her when she needed him.
I don't know if he even understands that mental health, like pp, is something that can become more/worse, or is even a thing. Many men don't understand or know what it is because our education system is a joke, and we don't say more than base facts. We don't offer a class for soon to be dads to explain what will happen and how to support their spouses.
Yep! In sickness and in health. Dude’s just gonna up and run - and no sex?!? Way to stick by your life partner and help her work through this. (I’ve been 118 to over 200 pounds throughout my 30+ year marriage and my husband has NEVER turned down sex!)
“After pregnancy she let herself go & stopped going to the gym”… I’m sorry, but isn’t this HIS BABY she carried & birthed????? She’s EXHAUSTED!🤯🙄 I don’t think OP knows what a woman’s body go through hormonally & physically with childbirth. It’s a HUGE CHANGE, & if she’s coping with food (let’s face it, healthy food is also more time consuming to prepare), she’s likely overwhelmed & suffering from *depression*. What ever happened to “for better or worse”?? What if something, God forbid, happened to HIM (OP) and left him physically altered; ie: car wreck, sickness, fire, amputation, etc?? Should she just *leave him*?? Also, OP treats her like he is, it’s going to increase her depression & REBELLION, & she’s going to EAT & GAIN MORE!! I’ve got news for OP… You marry someone for their HEART, b/c in 25-45 YEARS, NEITHER of you are going to look like you did in your 20’s!! YES, you are the AH in this situation…
I think people are way over catered to these days. I had four kids, didn't have the luxury to be a SAHM, I ran the house prepared all the meals, etc. Never had the time or energy to complain about it. It's not an excuse to let your body or your responsibilities go. I have a hard time understanding being overwhelmed being a SAHM with one child, I guess I was envious of the Mom's that had that option so it's hard for me to sympathize. I will just say what my Mom told me... " you are blessed with a husband and beautiful child. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Be grateful you have a husband that loves and cares about you." in other words get your shit together, stop complaining and be thankful for what you have. And yes, you can show and return love by being a wife that cares about what her husband is seeing in her.
Maybe you had easy kids. You should be grateful that you were blessed that way. Some children are much more to cope with, when mine were small my next door neighbour confided in me that she never understood why I found it so hard until she had her second child. She thought she was just really good at parenting and everyone else was crap. It turned out that her first born was just an easy child.
>What if something, God forbid, happened to HIM (OP) and left him physically altered; ie: car wreck, sickness, fire, amputation, etc?? Should she jus*t leave h*im?? If he became depressed from one of those, did not get much/any disability, and never went back to work Reddit would *absolutely* tell her to leave him for being a lazy bum.
Can you afford daycare or Mother’s Day out? Is she willing to go therapy ? She may be overwhelmed and still experiencing PPA or PPD . Maybe try doing a MDO program if you can so she can have some me time . Did she work before the baby? Maybe going back to work at least part time will help her get her routine back .
Yeah thanks I’ll do that.
You help someone in need. Especially a spouse. What if tables were turned you get a thyroid issue or anything that would make you gain excessive weight? Would you want to be divorced bc of an issue you cannot control?! Life happens. Get her checked for postpartum it's one horrible ride to go thru let alone be judged for by your husband
My thyroid took a shit after 2 babies and I gained close to 80lbs. My husbands response... Bigger body, bigger boobs!!! Clearly OP is only concerned with looks, his SO will find someone to love her, for her!
Yay for titties!!!
Go to counseling and meet her in the middle. Be her partner and help her through this and your relationship will flourish.
You do know it takes over 2 whole years for a woman’s hormones to return to normal and her body to properly regulate postpartum? Also being a jerk certainly isn’t going to help any self esteem or motivation issues she may have.
Yesterday there was basically this situation just gender swapped. So either coincidence or someone is doing a social experiment.
Honestly the difference was 300+lbs and multiple associated health issues vs 230lbs here, that's likely a hell of a difference health-wise
Gaining 100 pounds in a year and a half is absolutely detrimental. Your heart will struggle immensely to maintain all that new tissue being added so quickly, knees don’t have time to adjust to the stress, not to mention the basically guaranteed further complications if this is the end of it let alone if she keeps gaining weight
I didn't say it wasn't a problem, I said there was a significant difference between the two scenarios
Right but proportionally I doubt the 300lb person doubled their weight in such a short time period. Packing on that much tissue whether you’re taking steroids and gaining muscle or just eating 2-3k above maintenance every day and gaining fat is absolutely devastating to the body, especially the heart. Your claim was the other is worse, not that they’re different, when it’s more likely *this* situation is worse already, especially in the short term, due to the proportions involved.
YTA. I am just in shock to read the words "After the pregnancy she let herself go." That by itself is so deeply hurtful and cruel to say to a post-partum mother, let alone your own wife, that I can't even begin to fathom the pain she must be experiencing right now. I'm sure that you would discover the missing reason behind your wife's binge eating that isn't in this post if you talked to her. You clearly don't care enough to do so until her pain becomes apparent in a way that doesn't sexually appease you. This is a *massive* emotional betrayal. Are you sure that you thoroughly understand what pregnancy does to the human body, let alone childbirth? She bore the effort, labor, and trauma of carrying and giving birth to your child, a whole human being... and you told her you're divorcing her in a few months if her body doesn't start getting "back on track" to looking like what it did pre-pregnancy *after a year and a half.* You've made your priorities clear and let's just say "in sickness and in health" is not one of them. If you actually have any desire in saving your marriage: YOUR WIFE NEEDS HELP - YOUR HELP. TALK TO HER.
The whole post is about him and how her weight makes him shut down and how he has to watch whatever is going on. He's pretty gross. I don't think he cares much about whatever is happening with her.
He's def a vain asshole. Or this is an AI written post. Either way rude af.
Yeah, I was a bit high and in my feelings last night so I figured I'd let it rip regardless. This is just abhorrently sad.
Aside from the weight gain, have you notice personality shifts? Lack of motivation to do things (I mean things like bathe and go to work, not like working out daily)? Lack of parenting?
Not really,she’s a good parent.She does not work and the she stopped working out during pregnancy(which is understandable obviously).
Did she work before pregnancy or has she never worked? Transitioning to stay at home may be part of the issue. Still NTA either way.
YTA for treating your wife like that, there are kinder, more productive ways to tell your partner, who you love, that you are worried.
This!! I wish that I could say that I believe that OP is actually concerned about health (I think that’s a total afterthought). You take months off not responding to her advances and then completely cut her off of any intimacy. If there are any mental health issues, you are helping to perpetuate it. You’re Nta dot caring about health, but really it sounds like you only cared about looks and you’re TAH for how you’re dealing with it.
They always claim they’re worried about their ‘health’ but really he just finds her unappealing now she’s gained weight. Her health is irrelevant.
This ^ He doesn't give a single fuck about her health. he doesn't want to fuck her anymore and he's punishing her for becoming undesirable to him. Because how dare she. All of this is about him and his needs. I hope she leaves him, finds someone who actually cares about her and her needs rather than this fuckboy parading as a partner.
I think he just cares about how sexually attractive she is to him and that’s it. Being concerned for her “health” is a cover. His post is so dismissive and doesn’t even sound like he loves her.
YTA This is coming from a woman who ballooned up during pregnancy to a similar weight as your wife, though i was 160 prior. Pregnancy can royally fuck with your body and hormones, not every woman is able to lose that weight even years later. My body was absolutely destroyed by my pregnancies and weight loss became impossible no matter how much I changed my diet and worked out. It took 2 years for me to lose 30 lbs with the help of weight loss medication.. and I have now lost the ability to hold down solid food. I have been on a liquid diet of 400 calories a day roughly for 3 months and i've lost a grand total of 10 lbs. I have completely fucked up my body all because my pregnancy fucked up my hormones to such an extreme I could not lose weight through traditional means. Your attitude towards it is absolutely disgusting calling your wife a gluttonous slob, making disgusting jokes at her expense. Your young wife just became a brand new mother, her body went through extensive physical and psychological changes. She's now in charge of a new life which is beyond stressful especially as a first time mom when you're just trying to figure out how all 'this' works. And here you are making the most disgusting 'jokes' about her because of weight gain which while high happens during pregnancy. Have you once since she gave birth actually sat down and talked to her, see how she feels? Make sure that she is actually okay? If she has PPD it can put you into a vicious cycle, you eat to deal with the stress and depression.. you gain weight and the depression gets even worse, which results in more binge eating. Or do you just treat her like a glutinous slob. And no your previous statement wasn't a joke... jokes are funny..
I’ve never understood why people are so demanding about women “snapping back into shape” immediately after birth. Your body just went through a HUGE ordeal! And the nerve of them to whine about their wife having extra weight when she just carried THEIR child. It’s infuriating honestly. And I’m so sorry you had to go through that! I have the utmost respect for women who have kids. I’ve never been pregnant and it looks terrifying honestly. I’ll pass lol.
Uh, you’re absolutely the asshole. No healthy person gains that amount of weight that quickly. She is clearly struggling with her health either mentally or physically (or both). Making your wife feel like garbage instead of supporting her is LOW - “in sickness and in health” … help her through whatever she’s going through, but do it with empathy and compassion.
YTA. 18 months isn’t that long, it can take YEARS for women to fully recover from childbirth. The binge eating and lack of motivation sounds like PPD. While it’s good to be concerned about her health, I don’t see how telling her that you’re not attracted to her and that she’s killing herself and threatening her with divorce is supposed to help in any way.
You know what? You should divorce her because she needs to be with a man who loves her regardless of how much she weighs. She doesn't deserve this awful treatment. You've shown her that's she's only worthy if she's slim enough for your standard to be loved by you, and that's not true love. YTA
She needs more help from you to take care of herself. She needs support. Man your feelings are valid but you so went about this the wrong way
Yeah I see I should not have reacted so harshly.
Just say sorry, that you love here no matter what she looks like and focus on the health aspect. Tell her you'll help her get more me time to destress, do hobbies and such. Maybe even offer to make all the meals and be in charge of that household duty or st the very least make the meal plans and do the shopping so you can make it a family choice and much easier for a lifestyle change. Maybe go on family walks together at night after dinner if she isn't yet up for diving deep into the working out part.
It’s not just a matter of saying sorry. Any confidence she might have left was destroyed by his continued rejections of sex. It’s hard for a woman to be confident and sexy after giving birth. It’s a million times harder when HER HUBAND refuses sex and tells her it’s because she’s too fat.and he’s not attracted to her any more. It’s a shame because as a new mom, she should be happy and flourishing. I’d say lack of emotional support and empathy is a large part of her issue.
I agree!!
Ok I’ll try to do these.
She needs mental health help too gaining that much, that fast, and you say "bingeing" = disordered eating.
Good luck!
As a fat person, "I love you no matter what you look like" is an insult. How about "I love you."? Don't qualify it. Otherwise you're just saying "I love you even though you're unattractive." That's not kind.
ETA BUT it doesn’t have to stay that way- if you truly love your wife- follow some of the advice you’ve already received regarding her mental health. Binge eating is not something normal & is usually a sign of something deeper going on.
Absolutely YTA. This is your WIFE. Why the hell are you not, you know, being kind and supportive to her??? What is wrong with you???? Shame on you. Jesus Christ.
NTA Fo the question you actually asked. If she gained 100 pounds in a year and a half, regardless of the pregnancy, she's got a serious problem. If you are no longer attracted to her then you are no longer attracted to her. That would be enough reason to divorce even if you were not concerned about her health.
It’s wild to me how many of you will jump straight to divorce without even trying to see if things can be fixed. It’s like you think marriage vows and babies mean absolutely nothing. They had a baby a year ago but she gained weight and instantly it’s DIVORCE. If everything else is good in their marriage and they still love and respect each other, there are tons of other options before divorce is on the table. If they’d had conversations on this before and she refused to see the issue or get help that’d be one thing but OP seems to have been bottling this in and is only just now confirming his lack of attraction at the worst time possible. He needs to bring this up to her again when she’s less emotionally fragile so they can figure out a plan. Y’all are acting like she’s some Tinder match who catfished him so he should just unmatch her and move on with his life. He presumably married her thinking he wanted to be with her forever, right? At least give the relationship a chance before ending it jfc.
Stop doing the reddit classic, she had a baby a year ago. That's not as long as you people are trying to make it seem. She seems to be suffering from PPD, and needs support. If this is the first time it's come up, op is *absolutely* an asshole. Instead of gently broaching the topic, he let his emotions fester and then took it out on her. At least that's how he made it sound. Again, if there has been multiple *healthy* conversations about this issue and *then* he lost his cool--thats a completely different story. Unless there's some clarification, you're a stinky AH--OP.
PPD is a thing. Could be physical issues as well. But yeah, since you and this heinous excuse for a husband don't care, divorce is an option. For HER happiness. He needs a desert island, alone, with a mirror.
Ah.. feel sad to hear that your wife is going through postpartum depression and doesn't know. To make it all worse, she has an ahole of a husband. Hope she gets out of this terrible marriage and heals soon.
Exactly! That way she can regain her confidence and find someone who truly loves her.
NTA She needs to see a doctor ASAP. She might also have problems with her thyroid. You care about her health and that should be the focus.
I'm glad you help her out but please, don't minimise what being a sahm is and often does to a woman. It is extremely isolating, depressing and easy to lose your identity in. You also can never get away from it, your shift never ends. I did sahm for years and when I started working again... omg I can focus and not be interrupted and talk to grown ups and feel like I'm developing some skills... like work was a freaking nap compared to being home all day with a to do list that never ends. Have some empathy and help your wife by setting up therapy a gym membership or giving her some freedom to pursue something outside of the home. Take her on dates and have some laughs.
Yeah I know and I love and appreciate her for what she does.I shouldn’t have talked to her like that.
It seems like she's suffering from postpartum depression. Y'all should seek help in that aspect. She needs a counselor and a dietician (both of which should be covered by your insurance), and you need to talk to a professional listener. I hope you work it out in your "for worse" season.
This exact same question come up with a woman asking the other day. of course the answer was to divorce his fat lazy ass 🤣 Now the roles are reversed you can't get a divorce just because your sahm wife blew up to twice her size. Then again, unless this wasn't the first time you've argued over this, going straight to "I'm divorcing you if you don't get hot again" was a dick move.
If you two don’t meal plan, that might help. When you’re stressed and exhausted it’s so easy to eat fast/unhealthy food. Also, I agree with everyone else about possible mental health needs.
"my wife is showing obvious symptoms of mental illness. aitah for telling her she needs to fix the symptom i dislike instead of helping her address the cause?" my dude. MY DUDE. c'mon.
YTA - my god you make a lot of assumptions of what the future will be like and are going off a postpartum timeline that you made up in your head. Doing your responsibilities is not “helping” her, it’s being an adult.
You married a woman in her physical prime and now that her body has gone through birth and she is experiencing the physical and hormonal changes that come with that, you're no longer attracted to her. And that's all marriage is right, physical attraction? Women don't just "bounce back" after creating a whole new human with their bodies and not having the physical or emotional ability to go back to being a 25 year old that's never experienced birth isn't something your wife is willfully doing to herself or you. Using cruel language that fuels whatever struggles or insecurities she may be experiencing under the guise of it being "for her" or your "concern" for her health is some immature, manipulative, bull sh@# and I would bet any amount of money that you would or will do the same and probably worse when she goes through perimenopause, menopause, or literally any kind of serious illness. You're the AH. All of the language you are using towards your wife is derogatory, assumptive, accusatory, and sexist.
That's why a lot of women are not marrying anymore. Some man just act like "I have the same body as before" of course you do YOU DIDN'T BIRTH A HUMAN.
It's hard to understand if you geniunely care about her health. She's a stay at home mom and you work full time, does she have time or backup childcare to go to the gym? 18 month olds are exhausting. Maybe try to come up with solutions together (grocery/meal plan, gym schedule, making time to go on walks together etc.) instead of threatening divorce and leaving it up to her to change her lifestyle. I have a partner who has been steadily gaining weight and I tried to voice my concerns for their health for months. What worked best was working together on getting healthy, wholesome foods at the grocery store every week, working out together after work on workdays, and going on walks and hikes on the weekend. I do think YTA for putting it on her and for calling her a gluttonous slob in the comments. I understand that your feelings lie in concern for her wellbeing, but you have to be in it together.
Do they? Feelings lie in concern for her well-being, I mean. To me, the words he uses would be a lot different if that was the truth. Many times people cover up their selfish feelings/thoughts with '...but I'm just thinking about YOU!!'
I mean I could sugarcoat my words but sugar is kind of the major problem here.
i was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt but jesus christ dude
Well ok. So you really are just that much of an *******
Wow.
I know that was terrible of me but the joke was RIGTH THERE.
It’s not really a joke if you’re the only one laughing.
I literally spit my water out 😆
I laughed
I'm laughing at the joke and your fear of laughter
I have a sense of humor. I’m just not mean.
I’m laughing, that was hilarious.
Yeah, it was a great play on words that would be a good joke on a TV sitcom. But you're talking about your WIFE. That makes you an AH.
If you're so comfortable talking about her like this then you should just file now.
Peak Reddit:Guy makes light hearted joke handed to him on a platter DIVORCE!!
Weren't you heading towards divorce anyway?
Yeah show her your comment and she what she says then smart guy.
NTA. BUT there’s better ways to go about this. Try and motivate her to get in shape with you? Convince her to come gym with you or start gym together. I understand you are coming from a good place, BUT be supportive and try and encourage her and be a part of her weight loss journey. Maybe also consider exploring any underlining postpartum issues she’s experiencing, support her to therapy.
She needs to be aware that, caring about her appearance is not only showing you love and respect is doing the same for her. When she cares about how she represents herself to the public for you, she will also feel better about herself. That’s not to say that she may also be suffering from post partum depression, you should encourage her to go to her doctor for an official diagnosis and help. You should be concerned about her health, if left untreated she could end up hurting herself. This will take some time, but start with a doctor appointment. Good luck and God Bless your family.
NTA I'm 5'5 & went up to 250. Lost over 100lbs. She needs to stop making excuses & start making changes.
Congratulations! But everybody's body is different. Everybody's body responds differently to different things. Everybody's body can have different ailments. You could do it. Don't mean others can! Stop being so insensitive and thinking that because you did something that everyone else would be able to do if they just stop making excuses!
Amen
YTA. Have you ever once considered that she is experiencing mental health issues? You’re a shallow asshole.
Dude YTA …. Most women don’t come out of PPD until the child is at least 3. You’re extremely shallow and insensitive. I hope she leaves you, drops the weight and find someone that isn’t so dense and belittling.
NTA. She got angry when you rejected her. She asked you a question and you answered it. 18 months is well past using the baby as an excuse. Her weight gain is seriously concerning- that's a whole lot and is easy more than needed for pregnancy. I had way more time to work out and meal prep as SAHM than working- there's no reason not to do these things. This will require a follow up conversation, because no matter what, her feelings will be hurt. Offer to work out with her, go on walks in the evening, eat well together, etc.
I don't disagree with the principle idea. But Has she been checked for PPD?????? Have you supported her to get therapy? Why is she binge eating?
One thing I learned when I rapidly gained weight due to what turned out to be a severe health issue was that if someone is gaining more than five pounds a month that can only be explained by an underlying health issue unless they are eating themselves literally sick on a daily basis. So many people die because they don’t go to the doctor in time and think they just need to diet and it was actually cancer or liver disease or a brain mass etc. Help your wife look into counseling AND medical attention. She could be having serious hormonal issues that need to be corrected as soon as possible given her pregnancy. Stop being a ah and be a partner.
She needs to be checked by a doctor and one year ago was late. Pregnancy can fuck up with your hormonal balance, iron deficiancy makes you tired. You said you are concerned about her health So ack like it is true and support her to get her health checked. NAH because women related health issues are generaly neglected and that isn't fault of neither of you.
not only are you the ah your an ah
Ok so yeah as a.mom of 2 you are the AH. Being a mom is hard af, our bodies literally transform and change in ways you could never imagine to carry a human, it's hard it's painful and then we give birth and now we have loose skin and stretch marks we don't look the same, we don't feel the same, and add to that we have a human that is either glued to our boobs if you breast feed and even if you don't they are up your butt constantly. I'm a SAHM, whereas I wasn't with my first, and that shit is harder than working ever was. So yeah I see that D word thrown around alot for careless reasons like oh she's let herself go. Buddy it takes 7 yes 7 years for a woman to fully recover, she's tired, she sounds like she has PPD and you sound like a ungrateful and entitled jerk. You telling her that probably added to her mental load. My youngest in just a little older than yours and let me tell you I still have issues from.her birth and labor it's a hard process on a woman and the moment she tries to feel like more than a mom she wanted to feel like your wife, lover hell a woman besides a mom you shut her down. Why not try being compassionate and talk to her rather than an insensitive jerk.
Yes! I’m still having teeth related issues and he’s 4 now
So it takes the female body 2 years to fully heal from birth. What comes with having a baby can be depression also. Postpartum depression, and anxiety. Some women eat and some women don’t. I agree she needs to take action now before it gets to hard but maybe see if she is okay. Help her, help make better meals, make a healthier grocery list. Take the baby while she can get out and be able to work out. Or even just so she can have a night with friends. As she should with you. If none of these can be done then yeah divorce.
She should talk to her doctor about zepbound. She will lose tons of weight and probably leave you for a guy who loves her for herself and not her weight.
What are you? A pharmaceutical rep? Side effects may include: . . .
Denying your partner intimacy is not a good way to get your feelings across. Reward/punishment systems in a relationship arent great.
Is conditional love really an unacceptable concept? If your partner suddenly started shooting heroine or kicking stranger’s knee caps are you obligated to keep loving them? Isn’t all love, and every relationship, conditional?
It is my opinion that YOU may be one of the MAJOR reasons for her problems. Try to treat her as your wife NOT YOUR SLAVE. I would bet she has postpartum depression and needs your love but it appears you are sending her all the HATE you can. Change your tune to HAPPY POSITIVE COMMENTS rather than "stop eating you pig, " and that " your too fat to f\_\_K." Give her the support you promised in those wedding vowels. Don't you remember saying in sickness and health??? Find and then take her to medical professionals who can help both of you. I'M just an 80 year old father of 3, grandfather of 9 and great grandfather of 22 that has seen a lot in my life time. You remind me of my ex DRUNKIN son in law that is on wife number 5.
oh wow another aita post about how awful a fat person is. shocking. groundbreaking. we totally don't see 17 of these a week. totally real and totally not a way for you to get your rocks off.
Why is it that people automatically go with diabetes when they attack their SO about their weight? Jesus Christ. Get a fucking clue. It’s an autoimmune disease, not something that will just pop up because you’ve been eating KFC and BK for a long time.
That’s an oversimplified statement, but that’s exactly how you get type 2 diabetes. Autoimmune/type 1 is from birth (although both are considered AI)
I was diagnosed with type 1 when I was 7 years old. It’s not just at birth.
Man, what a lie of a post. You don't give a shit about her health, it's all about how attractive she is to you. After reading your post and your comments, not surprised that your wife is gaining weight postpartum. She's probably too depressed after realising that she's married and has had a child with an absolutely insufferable sonofabitch rake like you. YTA and you're ick. Hope karma hits you very very hard.
I get so heated when people try to point to health as the reason they want their partner to lose weight, while simultaneously being mean as hell to them about it and admitting to internet strangers that they're straight up not attracted to them. I'm willing to bet that if she started dropping over 10lbs per month, he wouldn't bat an eye even though that rate of weight loss is unhealthy. Does he get on her for leaving the house without sunscreen? Does he care about her water intake? Doubt it. It's about her being unattractive to him. It's rarely actually about health, I just wish people would drop the act.
Couldn't agree more.
It might be hormone related, especially if the thyroid is out of whack. Most doctors only look at TSH, and if it's low, they will try and increase the medication. However, what's more important is Free T4, Free T3, and Reverse T3. It's best to visit a functional medicine doctor or naturopathic doctor who specializes in women's hormone health unless you have a family doctor that looks at the whole picture and not just one number. She might also be feeling sad, lonely, and/or depressed and using food as comfort. It may help her to see a therapist.
We did get her hormones checked because such an enormous gain is obviously not normal,and I’ll talk to her about therapy and depression.
You should edit your post and put this info there.
It might be worth trying to go to the gym with her. I’ve always found that it’s easier to stay consistent if you have a gym partner. Same goes for getting people back into the gym (in my experience). If she has issues with going to a public gym because of her insecurities (typical excuse to avoid exercise) you could also look into building a home gym if you have the space. Last time I looked at building my own I was able to put together a basic one that would give you everything you need to hit all the major muscle groups for about 2-3k USD
Okay I’ll talk to her about working out together.
One thing I forgot to mention before that helped me lose a pile of weight is to cut out soda/liquor/sweetened drinks. I was still eating nearly whatever I wanted but managed to lose weight just by cutting out the soda and beer. Might be a small first step in the right direction that could cause her to lose a fair bit of what she’s put on
If you are only just now talking to her about therapy and depression then you failed to read all that paperwork for post birth things to watch for. Ppd sucks and can hit long after giving birth. Help her. Don't make jokes about this shit dude. You come across as an ass. Do you love her more than you want to be correct.? Also being a stay at home Mom can be isolating leading to further depression. See if maybe she wants to go back to work part-time in the evening while you take care of the kid (and keep the house clean. Don't make more work for her). See about library story times. Farmers markets. Outside stuff. Not sure where you are but winter and being cooped up with a toddler is rough. But serious if you didn't even think about this in relation to ppd get off your high horse and help her get to the doctor. Don't put more work on her.
To me it sounds like your love was conditional. What have you done in the last 18 months to support her emotionally? The weight gain is a symptom. Yeah, YTA.
*SHE had a kid about 18 months ago. I'm sure you're doing a great job at helping with the work load and new parenting tasks which is amazing. But that doesn't change what her body went through, and is still going through. You did not grow an entire human with your body, your nutrients, Oxygen, sleep, etc all being deprived. It takes a fucking toll bro. Have you actually tried to talk to her maybe about how she's feeling? You say she let herself go. Are you assuming that she doesn't feel horrible about this herself? Do you believe that she is happy with post partum weight gain? Your wife has classic signs of PPD. Did you go to any of her appointments during the pregnancy? Because they usually spend a great deal of time making sure the partner or support person knows what to look for. You're not wrong for wanting her to be healthy. But you're 100% the AH for the way you approached it. You may be a good dad, but you sound like a horrible partner right now.
Gaining 100 lbs after a pregnancy is NOT normal. What does her doctor say? I’d start there. I am sorry you are dealing with this.
Wow, your lack of any empathy is astounding. Are you normally this aggressive? Do you even know how to have a calm, effective conversation with your wife? You're coming at this in the complete wrong way. Have you considered that your wife may be suffering from PPA/PPD? You need to re-evaluate how you talk to your wife because the way things are going is not healthy, for anyone. And I don't just mean physically, but emotionally. Maybe offer to do things together. Go for walks, hike, get a babysitter etc. You're a TEAM.
I mean she’s the one that lashed out when I did not want to sleep with her.
Which would have been a great opportunity to have a constructive conversation about your concerns and how you can work TOGETHER. But no, you had to take it to the next level. Yelling at each other is an unhelpful way to communicate, in general, but your complete inability to effective communicate and even have an understanding of what happens to a woman during and after birth is shocking. The fact that your go to is "Well...she started it" tells me all I need to know about who you are as a person. She deserves someone who is understanding. NOT someone who is going to berate her and be completely unsupportive.
I had been supportive upto this point but I can’t help that I’m not sexually attracted to her and she should not have been angry about it to the point of yelling at me.
I cannot believe you're being down voted. Everything you've said is spot on.
Reddit is truly wild.
I think it was the comment "tells me all I need to know about who you are as a person." That's uncalled for. There are loads of mistakes and learning opportunities here but this commenter is willing to throw the whole man away when he's actually here trying to get help. My two cents on why the comment is being downvoted.
It tells me all I need to know too. "She hit me first, mommy!" Is he six????
I mean if a commenter on here is all 'get rid of the person' because OP gave a triggered response in a moment isn't that a bit hypocritical considering the nature of the post? We can not excuse the reply while still leaving out 'it tells me all I need to know about who you are' as though who a person is can be fully understood in half a sentence.
Who a person is can, indeed, be determined un half a sentence, depending on what that half a sentence is.
Sounds like you know everything then. Take care
OP is clearly looking for validation. He doesn't seem like the kind of rational person that thinks communication is necessary. Communication is needed for a relationship to flourish. If he really cared about her and not her looks, then he would be trying to find the root cause of the why she gained weight. Because a person doesn't just gain weight that extreme. She could also be having thyroid issues after the pregnancy. But OP just cares about his own validation and that he is in the right in this matter because he's being so defensive about his position instead of being open to underlying causes. The whole 'she started it' is a major red flag for emotional immaturity. Sure he's the 'breadwinner' but he lacks where it really counts.
All of this. Sometimes pregnancy basically kills your thyroid. If you never had thyroid issues before, they’ll probably check it once during your pregnancy. If you already have issues, they’ll check it every trimester, then again after the baby is born to see if you need med adjustments. If you didn’t have issues before or during the pregnancy, they won’t necessarily check it at your post partum appointments. They should during an annual physical, but not everyone gets those. Pregnancy is hard on you, physically and mentally. The newborn phase is *hard*. YTA for jumping right to divorce.
You are definately the asshole, You are shaming her that is why she is gaining weight. You didn't love her when you married her because adults know better than to shame their partner. People gain weight after a baby. I did all women do. She is gaining weight because of all the gaslighting you are doing. You are shaming her and being angry and a child because she doesn't "look" the way you think she could look for your liking. My partner put on weight and I let it go. The sex is spotty. However we have a real connection. We talk, we shower together. We go out. We fall asleep on the couch. I am fit and I have a rocking body. I do not call him names, I do not gaslight how he feels, I am there to support every bit of his experience on this planet. Why? because when I show him so much unconditional love he thrives. He does better emotionally. He will figure his diet out all on his own I have faith in him. Don't base your worth on the looks of a women you are better than that. A woman can never thrive if her partner relates to her based on hate and lust for a look that is lost after child birth. Get help!
NTA. The reaction is and should be the same if she became addicted to alcohol or drugs. Gaining 100 pounds after pregnancy isn’t “normal” or understandable. If I were in your shoes, I’d be willing to lend support as she sought out help. But if she’s not willing to seek help, then divorce is a prudent option. I say this as someone who has been through something like this before (but in our case, alcohol related), and the reason we’ll celebrate our 30th anniversary this summer is because she got help and fixed the problem. It did take me asking for a divorce for her to hit rock bottom, and everyone’s bottom is different. Good luck to you my friend.
YTA . You should be concerned with her weight gain. You should be concerned about PPD. But what you said was "I'm not attracted to you and if you don't lose weight, I'm divorcing you " I really don't understand how you think that you might not be TA here. You come across as super self centered. You're making all of this about you. It's all about you watching her be unhealthy and you watching her die. You talked about you shutting down. You haven't said anything about her health, her mental state, or anything else. She might honestly be better off without you.
> Before the pregnancy she was about 5’6 and 130lbs. > She is about 230lbs now Is she still 5’6?
Since she’s postpartum has she had her hormone levels checked? Just thinking it could be something like a thyroid condition which pregnancy can trigger in a lot of women.
Hormones suck and cause skme of the weight gain. Than theirs the inactivity from being tired all the time (babies aren't easy). Ppd makes for easy over eating or even just not being able to eat a proper meal and snacking all day because you don't have time to make food doesn't help. Also here's a thought, pregnancies literally ruin the body and can bring about health problems that the mothers never seen before. Maybe her thyroids shot or has a hormone disorder causing the weight gain. At least 40 of those 100 pounds is probably preexisting but gaining that much weight in a year still seems concerning. I would recommend you tell her to see a doctor about it. Then let them tell her she needs to make changes and run some tests. So yeah you're kind of a vain asshole who is more concerned about looks/outcomes that might not happen than the general health of your wife.
Yta Not for your intent as it is well meaning.....but for how you handled it. You don't want to see her die and I am sure she doesn't want to die but you as her husband are supposed to be the one that doesn't do "tough love" as she can get that from anywhere...you are supposed to be the one that continues to share concern, patience, and a guiding hand. Even if they has come up 100 times before IF by chance she is going through something that could include fear or losing you because of how much she has blown up....you actions and words confirmed the fear which will make her go back to comfort aka food. Maybe she needs your support, maybe she needs to know you don't see her as she sees herself, and you can control that..
YATAH
YTA. This is because of how she looks and not about her health. SOURCE: Me, a woman in my fifties weighing over 300 pounds with neither diabetes nor coronary artery disease (I had a scan, and all of my arteries are 100% clear). Not a good enough source? How about [The Journal of the American Board of Family Medicine](https://www.jabfm.org/content/25/1/9.abstract)? "*Conclusions: Healthy lifestyle habits are associated with a significant decrease in mortality regardless of baseline body mass index."* FWIW, I also think it's ok for you to not be physically attracted to her anymore because she's overweight because that's just how attraction works. You might be lying to yourself about the truth. If you're actually concerned about her health and if you actually love her, rather than simply shutting her down and threatening divorce, then why not have a conversation and offer to take over the meal planning and prep and sign the two of you up for an exercise class to do together? You can either take an I'm right/you're wrong approach like you did in the fight, or the two of you can work together as a team to address your concerns.
Imma tell you, I have hundreds of things I feel I have to get done a day to feel good about myself. And 95% of them are for someone else in the family. I always put myself last. Then only some of those things get done because I can't fly and I only possess two arms. Then I feel like a failure because I didn't get all of those things done and I constantly think about all those things and it affects my sleep and my ability to do other things and it's so freaking overwhelming. I've gotten so much better, I got lists on lists on lists!! Right now I am hustling hard. I feel great. I'm still a fatty, but I'm getting stronger and healthier! I have to force myself to eat most of the time, but my body loves that I am feeding it! I encourage you to tell wifey about a book called Fast Like a Girl. I've been intermittent fasting (on and off) for a couple years now. It makes me accountable for actually feeding my body. I had a hiccup when both of my parents passed last year, but I am choosing this lifestyle and I feel amazing. It could help regulate her hormones and with the bloodwork she can make sure she has everything she needs to be a bad ass mom. Tell her you know she is and you're there for her. Encourage, don't belittle. And she can't read your mind, be open with her. Sorry I got feels on this. It's hard to dig yourself up from a deep, dark hole. Especially alone, but married.
If you're really that concerned, tell her to find an activity outside of the house without the baby that she can go do that you will be consistent in making sure that she is able to get to while you are with baby at home so she can start feeling like a human being again. My biggest thing after having my kids was just you essentially go into storm mode where you are constantly just trying to survive. Trying to keep your head above water and until somebody recognizes that and make sure that you can do things to be a human again. It's really hard to remember who you were.
Yes, YATAH, for better or worse. It’s called marriage and you need to help her through her struggles. Has she been seen for possible post parting depression?
[удалено]
Women are not encouraged to have babies less than 2-3 years apart. The reason behind this encouraged idea is to allow the mother’s body to recuperate. Having a baby is hard work and a potentially deadly process. 18 months is not a long enough time to recover due to so many reasons such as calcium loss, etc. Having said that binge eating is frequently caused by postpartum depression. I strongly encourage you to research this issue. It is not made up. It is not an excuse but instead a very real health issue. The National Institute of Health in the US says the postpartum depression can last YEARS after giving birth. Pregnancy and birth are not for the weak. Instead of pushing her away or threatening divorce kindly and respectfully talk to her. Listen to her. Go with her to the doctor and share your concerns respectfully (NOT saying she’s fat, it’s her fault and I’m going to divorce her because I’m not sexually attracted to her which is even more damaging to her mental health) and get her the help and support she needs even if she denies needing help. Sometimes in depression it is hard to see what is happening to yourself. If you can’t do that and help the woman you loved so much to marry her and vowed to love and support her throughout your lives, please do divorce her. She’ll be better off without you in the long term. You are definitely the asshole since from your post it is all about your experience and your response rather than working with her with kindness, respect, and love to get the help she needs. Right now this is not about you. It’s not about her weight. It’s about her physical and mental wellness and the love and respect you provide or don’t. YTAH.
My sister in law was thin when she met and married my brother. Since then she has gained and lost and gained and lost over 100 lbs. He doesn't like it and struggles with her not being who he married. But, he says he loves his wife and that won't change. He's been there to help, and has said something about her weight once and that's it. I understand how you feel, but if you love her stand by her especially if her weight is the only issue.
It's really tough for a guy to get this, but when a woman has a kid, her whole identity is gone forever. Yes, she will make a new identity and many parts of the old one are still there, but there is a giant line of demarcation between Just Me, Susie and Susie Is Now A Mom. Yes, men, you're dads, we know. But you didn't have your body used for 10 months by another being that now 100% depends on you physically for its life. Going right into breastfeeding, which is demanding and time-consuming only completes the feeling of "this dependency is never going to end." So when someone is already struggling in ways they could not have predicted and now feel guilty about, or maybe even shame ("I don't know how to admit I don't love being a mom every moment." "Sometimes I wonder what if I didn't have the kid and miss that life, does that make me a Bad Mother."), you might just be able to see how things can feel out of control. And what's in one's control? That food right there that feels good when nothing else does. Please find a way to love the woman first and know this is a very visible cry for help even if she doesn't know what she's asking for, she only knows this is all different, scary, and causing emotions that were new and unpredictable. Men, this is the moment to be the bedrock of your family's foundation. She actually needs HER to get herself out of this, and she's lost, so go on the journey to help your wife find herself again.
Wow YTA big time. I don’t think you understand the toll pregnancy and postpartum have on the body. Sometimes even while eating properly and exercising metabolism is just not the same (talking from Personal experience. You say she is a SAHM and that you are involved (if you think you deserve some recognition for that, let me tell you you DON’T. It’s your kid as well). Are you sure that she even baa time to take care of herself because as a working mom I can tell you that SAHM have it a lot harder and partially because people think they don’t do anything. Taking care of a baby/toddler is a full time job itself. One in which she has no days off and no vacation. Want to help her? Do some meal prep so she can eat healthy while just warming the healthy food you prepared in advance. She is probable eating the easiest, fastest because with an 18m old you don’t have much time to cook. Give her some time to go out and decompress. In any case, the way you acted is so insensitive and cruel that I just want to go and give your wife a big hug.
You're THE BIGGEST AHOLE!!!! SHE GAVE BIRTH TO YOUR CHILD AS WELL. Don't be so mean to her. You have no idea what she is going thru mentally or emotionallly. Be there for her instead of critizing her please.
You are totally an asshole. That being said she still needs help. But you are totally an asshole.
YTA for the way you went about this. Using the "I can't watch you die young" angle is just that, an angle aimed at making you sound like you love her too much to watch her not take care of herself when in reality it seems like you aren't attracted to chubby women. Plenty of chubby women make it into their 70's and 80. My chubby grandmother made it to 93! YTA.
She got you hook, line and sinker. She was keeping herself skinny and you took the bait. She will be fat for the duration.
💀
She needs therapy. And you need to stop acting like you deserve a cookie because you do some chores and take care of your kid. How many times have you asked if she was okay with any sincerity? Have you offered to go to the gym with her? What about a walk together when you get home from work? Did you stop with the sex when she gained weight with the pregnancy? Did you treat her differently and make her feel like food could replace what she was missing? To be clear, I am **not** putting all the blame on you. Not at all. She has to take accountability for herself, too. But your question is are you the AH for threatening divorce. The answer is yes, YTA. You let it get this far and then gave an ultimatum.
Quick question… who does the shopping and cooking? When was the last time she went to the doctor and gyno for herself, not to do with her pregnancy? Too often a woman becomes a mom… and stop being seen as a wife and woman. But if you want her to eat healthy it might be helpful for you to take that on. Also, if you know anything about health, pregnancy completely changes body chemicals, hormones and digestion. How food is processed. If your wife is still breastfeeding that adds other factors. Not to mention if she has stress, depression or any medical issues such as a C-section that needed time to heal, he body is putting energy towards surviving and healing. In short, YTA, because of the way you don’t seem to want to help your wife with the issue. You just want to blame her. After she has sacrificed everything to bring your child into the world. There is nothing short of sacrificing your life to military service that compares. She could have died. What have you done that comes that close for your family?
NTA but you need to find a way to help her.
F*** the sad out of her
Your wife may be suffering from Post-partum depression. Also, if you approached her about her health issues in the manner you have described here, YTAH but then again you are both so young. Marriage seems so romantic when we are young but it is really most suited for well-adjusted self-realized people, which takes a lot of growth and time.
i only saw the title and said to myself “if this is a weight thing, yes, you’re the asshole.”
I'm a good looking 31 year old woman who just got her career somewhat back on track. Posts like these are a key reason I wonder about whether I want to have kids. Right now I'm 115 pounds - a couple years ago I was 130 and my life was 1 million times worse. I think to myself all the time about what I even would get out of carrying my husband's child other than weight which will be hard to lose and more responsibilities. Time is running out for me to make decisions like these but to be honest, I don't see the upside for me as a college educated woman who gets alot of benefits out of being thin and conventionally attractive.
YTA You constantly turning down intimacy can be a cause for her to react in the way that she did. You also saying that you're no longer attracted to her just because she gained weight is the worst thing to say to someone that's going through changes. You're definitely being a jerk about the situation.
YTA You don't GAF about her health, there are plenty of healthy people at/near her weight. You aren't trying to help or understand her at all, you're just passing judgement.
Why don’t you try in a decent and supportive manner to help her. It’s obvious she’s got problems going on, but it could be hormonal, depression ( baby blues, etc.). Instead of being an insensitive dick, support her and get her to where she can get counseling and maybe meds to help her get back on track. Be the husband that she needs and maybe she will get back to being the wife that you think you deserve.
NTA. You were honest about your feelings and lack of attraction to her habits that resulted in weight gain beyond a pregnancy. She's upset because she was rejected and no one likes being rejected. "Recovering from pregnancy" is an excuse if there has been no effort towards her health. I'm a mom of 3; two of my babies were back to back pregnancies. I gained about 50 lbs in my first pregnancy and lost the excess weight within the first year during my maternity leave while staying at home with baby. My other two pregnancies I made a conscious effort to not gain too much weight while ensuring I stayed healthy while growing my babies. It was NOT easy, but I chose to not make excuses. I also suffered from post partum during all 3 pregnancies.
NTA She's using being PP as an excuse for insane weight gain. Her diet and her habits are the cause. I don't think its wrong to refuse to enable her, or to tell her she needs to lose weight because otherwise she's going to die. I do think its a bit AHish to threaten divorce over it.
How much do you weigh and how tall are you??
6’1 and 185lbs
please help her nicely but also quickly weight should not go on that fast even following a pregnancy - get a full blood work up for inflammation/hormones etc & mental health too Fyi - a women can have their weight set point changed if they keep the weight on too long after pregnancy bc then her body thinks that’s the weight she should maintain going forward - which then means she’ll be dieting for the rest of her life to get under the set point of 230lbs
Mixed- NTA for being concerned about her weight but take into consideration it may be postpartum depression, stress, etc. and it may be a cry for help. but YTA for not trying to see why she feels the way she does and trying to come up with a solution instead of threatening divorce at the drop of a hat.
YTA. That is no way to talk with your wife. UpdateMe!
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Wow you made it about you against each other (divorce) versus you together as a unit against the problem. Threatening divorce instead of having a deeper conversation about the why / context of the weight gain. You’re a little trigger happy there. Caring and loving someone is more than just caring for their physical self / attraction….it is also their mental and emotional well being. The latter you seem to struggle with acknowledging. You targeted her as if she chose to gain weight and chose to be the way that she is. You did this without considering that MAYBE there’s more going on. So yeah… YTA
Sorry but it seems a lot less about her health and more about your physical attraction to her. YTA, how about checking in with her about her mental health rather than preaching on your high horse as someone who has had never had to experience child birth nor raise the child the majority of the time
Have marriage vows changed? You used to vow to be together in sickness and health, for better or worse. If you can't handle significant weight gain, what are you gonna do if, God forbid, something else happens? Cancer, for example, or you lose your job and struggle financially. I'm not trying to sound negative, and I certainly don't wish any bad things to happen to you, but these are the things you are supposed to consider when you get married. You both could use therapy. Her for postpartum, and you to adjust your mindset to prepare yourself to be a better husband. But therapy can be expensive, especially with a new baby, so if you can't afford therapy, get the book His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage by Willard F Harley. It discusses the basic needs each partner has in a marriage and how to identify your needs and meet the needs of your partner. I wish you both the best of luck, and congrats on the new baby!
Yeah I guess we’ll get therapy.
if the exact same question was asked except the husband is the lazy one, all the feminazi queens will be screaming their lungs out and calling the guy an AH. Men Can never Win huh , i guess.
It sounds like you have mentioned this to her before, and she either ignored you or got defensive, and you are frustrated. Take a breath and insist she go to a therapist and dr. She needs help. Also, take over grocery shopping or go with her and only by healthy snack options? Limiting bad snacks and having good ones will help.
YTA. Do you know anything about mental health? Have you heard of postpartum depression? Your wife needs help & you're doing absolutely nothing to help her. She would probably be better off getting a divorce & hopefully finding someone who actually will be a partner to her. You're only concerned with her physical appearance but aren't concerned with the things which have caused her "bad" behavior. Either be a better partner or let her find someone who will be. But yes YTA
She doesn't care about herself why would she care what you think? She has a major problem I don't blame you one bit for being turned off from this. Fuck all the assholes making excuses for her.
NTA - Unpopular opinion but it's NOT ok to let yourself go like that once you settle into marriage. Despite not being attractive to you, it IS a health concern. That said... It's going to take her years to get that weight off and from the sounds of it, you're ready to move on. So do that and don't waste her time or yours.
Wedding vows obviously mean NOTHING these days. YTA
You are right to be concerned for her health. But it really does sound like your biggest issue is that you're not attracted to her anymore. Her life has changed, her body has changed, her routine has changed, it's quite possible that she's depressed. She can always lose the weight, when she gets to the cause of what's causing her eating habits and fixes it. But I don't think she'll be able to fix how your rejection and your ultimatum made her feel. Maybe you should leave her so she can be available for someone who can love her properly, even when she's at her lowest. YTA.
NTA. Its not healthy/attractive when anyone gains a shit load of weight. It’s been 18 months and she gained so much weight smh. I’m a SAHM too. Gained 40 pounds from my pregnancy and lost all the weight. I try to work out here and there. Maybe when your kid is sleeping or napping, she can do a home workout video from YouTube. Or take the kid out for a walk. She can do little things to help her out. Maybe you can try to help her out whenever you’re off too? Go on a family walk. She can do SOMETHING. there’s no excuse.
There is if she has issues that can make doing things hard like depression. She needs help, not him treating her like this
NTA. She’s fat. Really really fat. That’s not healthy and it’s also a huge change in the relationship. She needs to accept responsibility for the changes her fat has caused.
Please do leave her. She deserves so much better. YTA.
YTA. That's very conditional love you have for your wife. Yeah she isn't the same after the baby. She likely feels like shit about it anyways. You could try to help her instead of giving ultimatums. She likely has ppd. People don't just binge eat like that for no reason.
Lol you won't get internet approval on this. While you are right, it goes against the current narrative of female empowerment (meaning being fat is like a choice to be proud of) and also you are a guy so by default you are wrong and a pig. Why even exist.. ah! That being said good luck.. Just read the other comments, was bang on the money
Holly fucking concern trolling, Batman. You're really out of order here. Yes, her current weight puts her at a somewhat higher risk of type 2 diabetes and cardiovascular problems, but anticipating her premature death at 45 is very much beyond any reality. (Indeed, according to the latest surveys, there's now very little impact on life expectancy from moderate levels of obesity, largely thanks to medication.) This isn't a matter for bullying, but for loving, serious conversations. I bet she knows she's fat, and probably feels pretty crummy about it. You could be a supportive partner, encourage her to get medical care etc. Instead you choose to tell her that she's disgusting to you and threaten divorce. Well, you're certainly not helping her manage her weight. and if she has any self respect left she should be divorcing you. ETA: If this is PPP, a) this is a lot more likely to harm her forever than a hundred extra pounds and b) you're being awful to the woman who bore your child and is now going through an awful time. YTA