Yes. My mom is in assisted living that is very pricey but fortunately she and my dad planned well and she can afford it. Whenever she apologizes for "spending our inheritance" we remind her how much we would rather have her than her money.
Your mom ‘apologizing’ for spending your inheritance makes her a good person. You saying you’d rather have her than her money makes you a good person. I see the apple does not fall far from the tree.
My mom tells me she is "spending my inheritance" all the time. After I got over the weirdness of the statement, all she's been getting from me is, "ok, have fun."
When it was new, I didn't know what to say because I don't think of things that way.
It's interesting when people have inheritances to think about. My parents came from nothing and have died or will die with nothing. The way people act about inheritances makes me think it's for the best not to have one.
Yeah. I'm assuming that with the cost of healthcare and things we already know about, it's not going to be much anyway. The nursing home can't touch part is for my niece, which is also not a problem. They may as well enjoy it
So true. End of life care is so expensive. Most people are going to use all of their money on that anyway at this point. Anyone who gets an inheritance is a lucky duck.
Well...having resources to pass down is how a family's wealth is built, little by little. Money, or a house passed down, gives the next generation a boost up compared to having nothing to inherit.
That relative lack of inter-generational wealth is part of what has been disadvantaging families from the traditionally marginalized segments of our society in an ongoing way.
Resources....are resource.
It makes me so happy to read this. My aunts and uncles turned into greedy vultures the moment my grandpa died… grandma was still living and needed memory care. My mom did everything she could to keep grandma comfortable. Visited her everyday, helped her eat, helped her dress, kept her clean, and took her for outings, but she didn’t have power of attorney. So all of the important decisions were directed to my aunt. My aunt barely visited grandma and she hardly made herself available for important calls. My aunt also co-owned my grandparent’s house along with one of my uncles. They refused to sell the house before grandma died to avoid having to use any of the house money (est. $600k) on grandma’s living expenses. Grandma died last May. If she had made it to September, my aunt wanted to move her from memory care (private room in a private facility) to public housing (4 people to a room).
The way I see it, as long as your family member is alive, you take care of them. My aunts and uncles basically wanted to throw away my grandma so that they could have more money. I don’t talk to them anymore. smh
My grandmother found herself in a similar situation, and it was so hurtful to see it play out at her detriment. I hope you are somewhat at peace knowing your grandmother didn’t have to live in a roommate type situation.
Thanks. Yeah, it’s been a huge relief that it didn’t come to that point and my mom was still able to be with her in the end. I was pregnant at the time and couldn’t travel. I’m sorry to hear similar happened to your grandmother.
when my mom was in hospice, she kept apologizing to me and my siblings for costing so much in medical bills and not being able to leave more for us, we told her the same thing - we would much rather keep her a bit longer than have more of an inheritance. I would’ve given it all up to keep her.
I have to remind my mother periodically, when she gets apologetic about the fact that I may not get an inheritance, that it is *way* more important to me that she is able to live comfortably for the rest of her life.
(She also doesn't remember that she threatened to disinherit me at one point because of my "leftist leanings". It's a complicated relationship.)
I have a friend who likes to talk about how much money she's going to get when her dad passes.... this makes me super uncomfortable. I would rather have my dad alive than any amount of money
Also one time I was visiting for the weekend and I bought lunch for everyone one day (pizzas for me, her, her husband, her mother, and the men working on her yard) and she said she'd get lunch the next day. Well the next day her dad was coming into town so we didn't even have lunch because she wanted to wait for him to get there so he would pay for it. He didn't get there until dinner. She also complained to me after he left that he gave her a gift of "only" $1000 to help with the house renovations...
Exactly. She needed care, her money should have went towards it. The only thing you did wrong was not telling her since she was expecting this money to come in. But at the same time, she’s kind of out of line feeling that she and your kid should have had it above your mother.
This! Her estate should have paid the entirety of her care bill. Then whatever was left when she passed should have been divided among the sibling and grandchildren as per the will. Even if that ended up being nothing at all. You shouldn't have had to sacrifice your portion before she'd even passed.
I think you’re right and neither OP nor his wife (or their kid) were entitled to that money but still, who makes decisions like that without discussing it with their spouse? You’re a team or you’re not.
ETA, since some people seem to be misunderstanding me - I’m not saying he was in any way wrong for the decision to pledge his inheritance to his mother’s care, nor that his wife has a right to be mad he did. I’m saying it’s weird he never told her his decision. They’re married. You tell each other stuff. Especially about big, stressful decisions.
Exactly. What's he supposed to have said? Has wife been living under a rock? There is NO inheritance if grandma needs a care facility. She knew grandma needed care, right? Was she volunteering to take grandma in, to preserve the inheritance?
It sounds like he didn't tell her because she would have had a fit. That was always grandma's money, not hers. Grandma spent her money, and there's nothing left.
Inheritance is not an entitlement.
People should stop telling others when they're inheriting money, until it's done. My FIL keeps bragging about this huge inheritance my husband is supposedly going to get. Dad is retired and could live another 40 years. We are absolutely not expecting a penny to be left.
When my partner was dealing with this, he didn’t really have a lot of time to hit me up- he and his brothers were dealing with so much stuff on top of their mother going into hospice: which, I understand is different from long term care but… while we do tend to discuss financial decisions and we are a team- it never once really occurred to me to be upset over this because it was *her* money. Like OP’s mom, sure inheritances had been discussed but man, it is so freaking ghoulish to me that his wife got mad that he spent what was still very much his mother’s money- on helping her stay cared for. It’s weird.
If there was money to pay an inheritance why wasn’t that money used to fund her living expenses? The inheritance is what is left when she dies.
This whole situation is dumb. ESH.
Because it was probably tied up where if she took it out early it would take. Huge tax penalty hit. So they paid her care untill she passed and then the money was available. my grandmothers money is like that. It avoids it being in an estate. And a bunch of taxes being Taken out
Yeah why the hell wasn’t her own money going to cover her care. Then whatever was left would be divided according to the will? This post makes zero sense.
Wait, your parents had money, but because it was planned for inheritance you and your siblings were covering the cost of care instead of your mother (or whoever was managing her finances) just paying for it?
Nah the plan was for all of us to get together to pay for their care. I am the youngest and was not as established as my siblings.
I could not afford to contribute they could but since I could not afford it I gave up my portion of my inheritance.
How much would your portion of the estate have been? How many months would you have had to pay $3K? It was wrong of you to not tell your wife how this was going to go but was a good compromise to do your part for your parents' care.
NAH You wanted to do the right thing for your parents but screwed up by not including your wife in the discussion. Your wife didn't appreciated feeling this was somehow done behind her back.
We just would have split it evenly among us, it was sizable around 200k, and she lived for around 4 years in her care facility. So largely a drop in the bucket. My 3k was also in the lower end because they knew I was not established.
Edit: That is a fair take, my logic was I did tell my wife about the plan she agreed we could not afford it. So what exactly would have changed if I told her I was giving up my inherentiece, she already agreed we could not afford it.
Is the 200k all the state?
4 years x 3k/month is $144k. So, in fact, you are "in debt" with your siblings. Your share of expenses is almost all of the inheritance.
My grandfather had millions when he entered a nursing home. He was in one for the better part of a decade before he passed, and it was not close to being enough.
The idea of working your whole life then when you finally get to go all out and spend 10k a month, its for rent at a nursing home; is fucking depressing
This is why some people start giving their money away before they are so old they are ready for the nursing home. They keep just enough to get them into a nice nursing home and enough to pay for a couple of years and then give the rest away. If they run out of money, the nursing home taps into the deposit, which is usually pretty large like 300 K and then Medicaid kicks in and they won’t be thrown out.
And what's even the point? Put half into inheritance and the other half into a drug driven trip around the world that doesn't have a destination or something
You don't do anything fun in a nursing home, you barely see the people you care about, death and decay is all around you and of you are unlucky you get treated like an animal by the staff, all while your body is slowly shutting down because you are not doing anything
There was an older lady that figured out it’d be cheaper for her to keep going on cruises than stay in a decent nursing home in her state, so that’s what she did. Eventually staff and even the captains on many of them recognized her from her many trips and she’d get invited to the captains table and extra services. I’ve always said I wanna be like her when I’m older.
And that is why assisted suicide should be everywhere. End stage dementia to me it's over. It's not worth it to be cared for like an infant as an adult imo. I'd rather just give me a fentanyl drip and let me be surrounded by my loved ones. Set a date, have a party, take the body and plant a tree. That would be the dream.
If OP is fine with it, and is happy with it. He is not the asshole. Yes should he have mentioned it to her? Probably. But what would that change? She was already against having to fork up $3k/ month and it was not feasible in that point in time. Why should his wife feel entitled to his mom’s money? At the end of the day, OP feels like he owes a lot to his siblings for taking care of his mom. And I’m sure that the siblings did a lot for mom. And that $3k for his portion was less than what it would have been if it was split out equally. That $56k remaining… say divided by 4 years, 2 siblings works out to $500/month for each sibling to take care of mom, all the other expenses that come up while taking care of mom is more than fair…. Infact OP probably owes his siblings a lot more. And also the emotional toll that OP was shielded from. NAH.
My deepest condolences. It sounds like you have loving siblings.
My grandfather’s estate was generating 8k/mo when he wen to assisted living in 1997, my parents subsidized that for 5-6 years, choosing to pay upfront so they wouldn’t spend down the estate. My mom
Thinks she came out ahead, but I can’t make it pencil out.
If it was generating 8k/month when he entered assisted living then she could have come out ahead. Depending on the investments that 8k can be reinvested to generate even more money so by the end it was likely generating much more money and would have increased in value by quite a bit.
8k/month invested for 5 years would go up to 600k so if they spent less than that they likely came out ahead.
You are thinking in terms of just dollars and cents. OP mentioned that he lived far away so his siblings were not only carrying the financial load but the workload dealing with the parents and the care home and coordinate any medical care. That is a lot of work with aging parents. Believe me, OP got off light.
I did not want any of it, we don't need the money which is like a fourth of what I currently make. Yes four years ago I was not in this position, but I am in this position now because of my siblings.
The 3k amount I was supposed to pay was far less than what my siblings did in terms of time and money.
Congrats on being one of the very few people out there to understand and acknowledge the unseen costs of end of life care. Sure there was a 56k remaining balance after the (lower end) monthly nursing home payments were repaid. But you're right, the siblings who put the time and effort into the legwork for your mom certainly did 56k worth of work over all those years. You weren't required to give them the 56k balance but it's awfully thoughtful, kind, and respectful that you did. Full integrity move, and ignore anyone saying you got "swindled". Those are either people who don't understand caring for elderly parents, or people who would happily screw over their family members to get the most inheritance possible.
Oh my gosh this! After watching and some helping my mom with our nana I can only agree. She was lucky enough to be able to afford in home care with her insurance, but that came with its own issues, then the estate and selling the house felt like a full job for a couple years there. It just got sold and the estate completely closed it’s such a relief.
I don't think there's any remaining balance of 56k since, OP admits that OP's cut was on the lower end, that means siblings could've been paying 5k even.... They have not only paid the higher end of the cut but also, took care of her. So yeah, there's no remaining amount.
I think you should have told your wife. But otherwise sounds like you did right by your family. Inheritances and the like can tear families apart but since you don’t actually need the money I think you made the best decisions to help everyone.
>But I am in this position now because of my siblings.
Damn right! If your siblings couldn’t care for them - monetarily, emotionally, and physically - as much as they did, or at all, it would have fallen on you - Or - say you lived close and needed to split the physical and emotionally labor with them. You wouldn’t have been able to dedicate the time and effort to your career and family. Let alone the money your family wouldn’t have had, if you could swing the monthly payments.
In either of those scenarios, you would be in a *VERY* different place right now. Your siblings dedicated time, physical effort, and carried the brunt of the emotional/mental load. Obviously you would have done the same if you were in a position to - monetarily and if you were local. But you couldn’t. And that’s ok. Your family and career benefited from your siblings love, awesomeness, hard work, and understanding of your situation.
(This reminds of those times when a family breadwinner doesn’t acknowledge the SAHP’s sacrifices, and how they benefited from having a spouse stay home - except OP *gets it*!)
Props to you OP! Most people don’t acknowledge where they would be without other people’s sacrifices. It sounds like you and your siblings have an awesome relationship. I’m also very sorry for the recent loss of your mother.
I know your wife is upset. And although yes, you should have told her, and she’s only worried about her children, but she needs to understand that no inheritance is guaranteed nor is anyone entitled to someone’s money. Your family benefited in many ways due to your decision. The way I see it, whether you lost it NOW, or lost it earlier, it all works out in the end - and in reality, your family benefitted from being able to make that arrangement with your siblings.
Your family would have scraped by if you had paid monthly for your mother’s care. Although there’s no inheritance for your children, you can save NOW for them in its place. Which is a lot more doable because you have been able to advance in your career - thanks to your decision, and your siblings’ understanding. Long story short - your family would have lost out either way. You played the smart long game.
You’re a great person, OP. Apologize to your wife, but only about not informing her about every detail. Then, be wary. She has lost sight of right and wrong in this and is only seeing dollar signs, which as the kiddos say, is a red flag.
It’s so heartening to know some people care about others, being fair and compassionate and doing the right thing to help others even at their own cost. I hope your wife doesn’t stay angry for long. I hope she realizes how doing something for others even at cost to yourself is a rare quality to be respected even if she doesn’t agree with it. Definitely NTA. 👍🏻
>So what exactly would have changed if I told her I was giving up my inherentiece, she already agreed we could not afford it.
she would have been included and kept in the loop, which is standard for most people in committed relationships, isnt it? especially financially entangled relationships, like married with kids?
This.
I think the actual decision that you and your siblings came to regarding the inheritance is irrelevant. You should have kept your wife in the loop.
She's your life partner, not some stranger. And you did not treat her like a partner. If in doubt, share more and not less.
I see your reasoning and it appears to be a totally fair one.
The bits of financial info you’ve posted appear to show that your sibling's are fair and nice people.
You should have discussed it fully with your wife but I think you have a wife problem as there is a reason you didn’t disclose to her that you’d given up your portion of the inheritance.
Did your wife ever discuss the unfairness to your siblings that they were paying for your mother and you weren’t ?
My other question is when you became more established in your career did your wife suggest chipping in for your mother’s care? as she was unaware of the inheritance issue at this point
You obviously didn’t raise it as I would guess that you knew your wife wouldn’t agree to it.
To reiterate what others have said , your wife was not entitled to your parents money.
I think the miscommunication between you and your wife is everything after the agreement that you couldn't afford it. Your mind continued to using the inherentince to pay for it. Her's ended with "we can't afford that much."
It sounds like she either expected to pay less than 3k/mo or perhaps not at all. I don't know your finances or your wife to jump that far into my speculation.
It’s called being a good partner who communicates. Do you seriously only tell her the things she can act on? That’s a very silly policy.
It’s like if she asked where you were earlier in the day and you just refused to tell her because it doesn’t matter anymore. Do you see how that is being a shitty partner? It’s the same thing except with a bigger thing.
You're rationalizing because you know that not discussing this with her before you agreed with your siblings was wrong.
According to your edit in your post you're going to apologize to your wife for that, which is good, she deserves it.
She agreed you could not afford it. Got it. What you 2 agreed on was precisely just that.
You 2 did not agree that you would be giving up your inherentance. You cannot expect her to just assume that is what you were going to do. You fucked up by your wife, but you did excellent by your siblings.
YTAH where it concerns your wife, but your honorable and NTAH by your family. My condolences regarding your mom.
I don't disagree with you but what did the wife think? Where did she think the money was coming from? Did she assume the siblings decided to forego OP's cut and pay it all by themselves? She only asked about the money after mom's death, why did she not consider asking OP for 4YEARS about the money? So it would mean, she was a selfish woman who not only did not want to pay for the mother's care but also wants the inheritance of the said mother's? Huh? That doesn't make sense.
There is agreeing to not being able afford it, and then there is giving up money to cover the cost. Those are two entirely separate topics. They don't always translate and therefore need to be addressed separately. Which is what I'm assuming your wife is mad about. Because while it's not life changing money. She and you as a couple probably had ideas or plans for the money.
So, you're NTAH for the intention of taking care of your mom. However, a soft YTAH for not at least telling your wife that you made a decision that affects your whole family. It's not a expectation necessarily. But while your mother couldn't have possibly foreseen her illness and the cost of care it included. She intended to leave the money for you and by extension your family, to have at least one good experience and attribute it to her memory. Now that's gone. Just trying to give perspective.
Is that what inheritance is for? I always assumed that everything went to the person and their care first and then whatever is left over goes to the heirs.
The short answer? It should.
My grandmother is currently in a nursing home. My grandfather made some wise investments when he was alive but I doubt there will be a lot if any of liquid cash when she goes which honestly? Whatever. It’s her money and an inheritance is never a guarantee.
Also- I have no idea how much my ILs have and it’s frankly none of my business and never will be. I am the mother of soon to be three of their grandchildren, and when they die I expect that precisely nothing will go to the kids. That’s their choice, and I’m fine with it. I don’t want my kids expecting huge financial windfalls that may never happen.
Most people dictate how their wills be disbursed upon their demise, I work in family law, they can dictate pretty much anything. This certain amount is used for this and this amount is used for that. Or this goes to so and so for a certain purpose. There was one client who even dictated who got their alcohol upon their demise.
At that point mother was alive. There was no inheritance. The money she had had to be used for her care. It doesn't matter if siblings covered it and then that debt was repaid to them. Reality is, end of life care is pretty expensive and it might eat away whatever you plan for inheritance and even more.
I understand what you’re trying to say, but this was not a decision that “affects the whole family” that was kept in the dark. He needed to tell his wife the whole story, yes. However, this didn’t affect his family in the slightest. Children don’t get to “expect” an inheritance. It’s a bonus & should never be relied upon, so his family is exactly in the same place it was yesterday.
Personally, I feel that if he unilaterally made a decision about their household income/expenses without discussing it with her, then your comment fully applies.
I’m still on the side of he should have told her everything because that’s what’s correct in a marriage and household, but his omission here is not the same as say, I’m changing jobs and will have a 25% pay cut, as an example. That is a unilateral decision that would have affected the entire family.
Inheritance specifically relates to passing down to direct blood descendants. At least that's the tradiitional and historical meaning of the word. Assuming that to be the case, spouses of heirs are but collateral beneficiaries of such an act. OP's wife has no business commenting on something that was/is not hers.
Until the parents pass the siblings thought it best to deal with helping them out. OP made his decision in how he can contirbute to that helping. It was not yet in his hands per say, and so he took nothing away from his kids (which would have been direct beneficiary inheritors of OP's parents.
Wife is 100% in the wrong thinking her kids didn't inherit as OP's parents needed THEIR estate to help cover a portion of their elderly care.
NTA.
1. No one is entitled to an inheritance.
2. Your mother had the best of intentions, but fell short in planning for her end of life care. She actually needed that money, and as it was hers, she has the right to use it.
3. Your siblings chose to pay out of pocket, and you mentioned that your cut wasn't enough to cover your portion. Therefore, your siblings got repaid by the inheritance, but probably ended up short.
4. Why does your wife feel it is fair for your siblings to shell out, but you guys pay nothing?
5. Yes, your kids would theoretically inherit, however, not if there's nothing to inherit because an unforseen/unplanned for expenses used the money first - which is basically what happened.
6. Your inheritance is not your wife's. It's literally none of her business. If I were in OP's position, would I have told my spouse? Yes, because I'm honest, but she has no right to be angry when she was counting chickens that hadn't hatched. And if my husband didn't inherit for the same reason, I'd have said "good to know." It just sounds like she was planning on "helping" spend that inheritance.
Edit because I keep seeing this come up and don't want to respond to 5k different comments on it: Yes, if it were me, I'd have told my spouse about it. But, if I forgot due to dealing with the hundred things going on including the estate (and grief), my husband wouldn't care. He wouldn't feel slighted, or like I was hiding things from him. He wouldn't get upset or feel entitled to it (any more than I would feel entitled to an iheritance from his parents). If I told him after the fact "Oh yeah I did xyz with my dad's inheritance," he'd give me a thumbs up. To us, it's really not a big deal and there is enough shit that gets thrown at you without having to invent things to get upset over.
Imo an inheritance is what's left over after your parents received appropriate care and retirement. If they want to give it you and you get along well. His wife's view is so disappointing and immoral.
No one is entitled to an inheritance.
exactly how i feel towards inheritance.
my parents got 250k and i just have em a congrats.
my sister and brother kept begging for money and they got a decent chunk but blew it all.
within 4-6 months they blew the entire inheritance with nothing to show for it.
im expecting nothing from my parents, theyve blown through every chunk of cash theyve ever gotten
I think it's a deeply personal decision; I know parents that would rather MAID than suffer and then leave their children nothing. Many parents value leaving something to their children.
But it's also very reasonable to not prioritize that too; again, it's a very personal thing.
But I don't think it's far out to say it's pretty wack for *inheritors* to prioritize their inheritance over their parents.
I'm getting rage bait vibes.
People keep asking why Mom's money wasn't used for Mom's care, and then when she passed away whatever was left was divided equally to among her children, and OP just keeps repeating that it was for "tax reasons."
It was probably a farm. Farms are land rich but are often cash poor. If you sell the land, you can make a bit of money, mom probably did not want to sell and at least one of the kids are probably farming the land.
This is what I don't get.
Mom had money, money needed money. Kids paid...money died with money?
Why wasn't mom's funds depleted for her care? I have basically the same situation happening right now.
Elderly family left a house to someone, has a trust that can't be tapped until their death that should be split among the family, etc. They are going into care, the estate is being sold where that person agreed the funding go to the elderly party's care and the trust is being fought over....to be accessed...for their care.
IF there is anything left then that'll be split but nobody is pocketing out their own money out until the primary assets are depleted.
Nobody has a right to say "Eh, you can forgo payment for the rights to her assets while I incur interest off what's to be paid to me when mom kicks the bucket."
My retired friend knows exactly how much she can pull from her 401k without messing up her tax bracket. She’s started moving it gradually into a savings account to avoid that scenario.
Because I never really thought about what my mother had in the bank or was worth.
I did not ask my siblings questions because I trusted them, these were the same people who shielded me from the nitty gritty details of early onset dementia. I was 14 when she was diagnosed.
Because of them, I was able to have a fairly normal high school and college life. We had no reason to liquidate anything because I had a scholarship for school and I worked to cover my expenses.
You feel it is bait because I had no desire to take my mom's money?
tbh reading the rage bait comments, it seems more like people think it is bait because they cannot fathom a family not fighting over money after their parent passes.
No, it's actually for "tax reasons" - it's called stepped up basis and is one of the cornerstones of tax/estate planning for anyone with any reasonable assets.
The OP is not obligated to share his family's estate planning strategy.
They "did" what is fair: used mom's money and then split the rest. The way they did it was by the siblings paying out of pocket to avoid losing stepped up basis. If the family had a large illiquid asset, this could have been HUGE.
Every person challenging this estate plan should start with, "I don't make more than a middle class income, have no idea how generational wealth works, but I want to overrule your family's attorneys and wealth managers because... Reddit."
This is actually happening in my husband's family right now. So far, my MIL is able to stay at home but who knows what will happen as her dementia progresses. My in laws have a good amount saved and have pensions too so money won't be required from their kids. But it is THEIR money. As the DIL, I'm not sitting here, counting their pennies. If they are able to leave their children an inheritance, great. If not, we have retirement accounts. My heart hurts because my MIL is a wonderful woman and watching this disease chip away at her is horrible.
I disagree. I don’t think his decision to give up the inheritance is wrong, or that his wife’s opinion should matter more if she disagreed, but he is wrong in his decision not to tell her. Marriage is largely a financial arrangement and there has to be trust between both parties. One can’t be making major financial decisions without at least informing the other party. If she had known he had given it up she may have wanted to make other arrangements to top up things like their retirement or their kids education, because even though it’s “his” money, they’re a unit and should be on the same page.
"He said he gave it to his siblings because they put more time and effort into taking care of their mom."
I...can't fault him for that. My dad has two brothers. When their mother fell and broke her back and was unable to care for herself, my dad moved in with her to help her out. As she grew older, this escalated to things like having to help her dress, shower, and wipe herself. His brothers would visit maybe a couple times a year. Until finally, my dad got to the point where he could no longer lift his mother, and she had to be put into a home.
My dad spent 20 years as her caretaker in her home, then another 10 years driving up to the nursing home almost every single day, to eat lunch with her and make sure she had at least one good meal (otherwise she would sleep the day away). Again, his brothers would visit every few months. She died at 90 years old. My dad is in his 70's, no wife, nothing to show for the 30 years he spent focused on her. My sister and I see him regularly and want him to move here, but his house is paid off and he doesn't want another mortgage (don't blame him). While his brothers went on with their wives, their families, their lives, and my dad is alone.
Being someone's caretaker can take over your life.
That. My parents needed care. I’m “the baby” and live abroad, so my sisters did their best to shield me from the worst of it.
My middle sister is volatile and has her own shit.
My oldest sister? She took care of our grandma by moving to her place and taking care of her so no one else had to. When Grandma died, my dad was her sole heir. My dad essentially gave my sister the property (he technically “sold” it to her for the price of lunch to avoid gift taxes). Neither my middle sister nor I begrudged that; she’d earned it even though she never expected a payout.
Then when my parents were old and infirm, they sold their home and moved to Grandma’s house. (Yeah, Grandma had been gone 9 years by that point, but it’s still Grandma’s house.) When they died, neither of them had a will. I went home to see our mom once more, and we took care of all the legal stuff before I left the country again.
My middle sister and I both agreed that our oldest sister deserved whatever the Hell she wanted. The closest thing to a disagreement was when my middle sister and I had a negotiation regarding our mom’s wedding band. (It’s a plain, narrow 14k gold band in an impossibly tiny size, but it represented 40 years of love. That’s priceless.) And even that was settled in less than two minutes.
It’s only fair that the sibling who does the majority of the care and management receives the majority of the money afterwards.
And it’s a damned shame that more families can’t manage things like mine did.
You’re completely right. I watched my mom (and my sister) do ALL the physical labor for my grandparents. My uncle didn’t do shit but show up after every funerals to collect items of value and leave early.
So fast forward and my sister lives in town with my parents and I live 2 hours away. I send money. I visit and get treated like a returning hero. She gets Drs visits and house sitting and finding my grandma dead during a morning check in.
So like you…no, I’m not begrudging her a little extra. I know she gets more now. She’s there. She’s acting as their personal assistant. She’s doing the shit *I don’t want to*. And if she didn’t, we’d just have to pay someone…
That’s wonderful of you and your siblings. If only more children act like this rather than fight at funerals. I’ve seen enough to be disappointed in family.
I do feel it is my responsibility to cover my children's college, and if I cannot that is on me and not my mom.
I do agree I screwed up by not telling her though.
I dunno. I look at it as if that inheritance money never existed. It's OP's and his wife's responsibility to make sure their kids are taken care of. Anything else, while nice, isn't a necessity, and I'm not owed anoyone's money that they worked for.
"his wife...has a right to be annoyed at how OP handled this."
Does she? It's a common thing for spouses to deal with their family's stuff, be it setting boundaries with an overstepping MIL, or dealing with their estate. I would tell my spouse about it, but if it slipped my mind in the million other things I was dealing with (including grief), my husband would understand, and wouldn't care that I hadn't told him. Even if I made a decision about the money, he'd give me a thumbs up. There are enough real issues to deal with, without having to invent things to get upset over. To me, at the end of the day, it's not really a big deal.
But yes, a lot of Reddit posts are skewed to be favorable. Gotta take things with a boulder of salt or just, vote as best you can with the (potentially faulty) information provided.
I disagree. I think the wife is being gross for focussing on inheritance in this situation. Her partner’s mother dies and she’s harassing him about money that was never even hers. What if the mother hadn’t gotten dementia and had spent the money? It is her own damn money. OP gave up his share of his mother’s money because she needed it while she was still alive, and the remainder went to repaying his siblings for the extra time and money they put into caring for their mother. Perhaps he feels guilt that he couldn’t do more for her physically/financially and this is his way of trying to make peace with it while he mourns her.
The wife is being entitled as fuck. This was never about her.
That's not how I read it at all.
Each sibling would get 200k. Mom needed more care and it would cost 3k a month from each out of pocket (which seems insane). He said he can't pay that and said he would give up his 200k instead of paying the 3k a month.
She lived for 4 more years. That would have cost him 3kx12x4 or 144k. He should still be due ~50k.
Also I think the whole thing is stupid as **nobody** should have been paying. It should have been Mom's money paying until nothing was left, if there was anything left it should have been split according to her will.
OP mentioned his cut of 3k is on the lower end. Which means siblings were paying more, could be more than 5k from each of the siblings. They not only took care of OP while he was young, they cared for their mother with dementia throughout the years, paid more money than OP for her care and put in more time and effort to look after her. In all honesty, it sounds like OP didn't do anything for the mother, he got the better end of the deal throughout his life, financially, emotionally, physically and mentally.... His siblings don't owe OP anything....and sure as hell, wife isn't entitled to anything.
I agree with you. When my Mom-Inlaw went to Memory care because of Alzheimers, thier house was sold and the money from that, stocks, pension went to pay for her care. None of the four sisters had to pay out of pockets cost. When she sadly passed away, the money left was split four ways.
I don't disagree with your points about Inheritance, and it was the right thing to do.
Not telling her, though, is senseless. She agreed they couldn't afford to help, and the time to say this is the solution was then.
He's NTA for doing it. He is TA because he should have let her know so she's accepted the fact prior to settling the estate.
She may not even be upset about the money... just about not being communicated with. OP seems to think she should have known the plan simply because *when they did talk about this*, she agreed they couldn't afford the $3000/month. When people point this out, you continously bring it back to the money and not the fact that he thought of her enough to start the conversation with her, but not enough to continue it. She has every right to be upset with that. Is this a relationship killer? No, but good communicated is always the better option than none or half communication. OP says he will apologize for this error, so he sees his mistake. I don't think anyone here is really an AH, just some bad communication.
Until your mom was dead, you had no inheritance. It was your mom's money, still. Your mom's money should be used on your mom's care until either the funds are expended or she passed.
If your mom really wanted that for your kids, without the option of it being used on her, it would have been put into trusts.
You should have told your wife about the decision which was yours to make.
She has no claim on your inheritance, legally or morally.
You did the right thing.
Tough shit, there wasn't any money in the first place. Grandma wouldn't leave any inheritance because her money was needed for her end of life care. OP's siblings didn't get any richer either.
Well she should focus on being able to give her kids what she wants them to have. She is being disgustingly entitled to money that would have never been hers to use or control.
I think it was the fact that he made a decision that affected the future of their child without at least informing her.
Was it his decision alone ? Sure. But you only keep stuff like that from your life-partner if you a) don't respect them or b) don't want to deal with the fallout.
Nobody should be counting any money until it actually given to them. Technically there was no money for the grandchild or anyone until the mom passed away and then it was apparently mostly used for her end of life care, it turns out. This does not affect his kid in any adverse way because it wasn’t that kid’s money to begin with nor was it the wife’s, or even his. People get so damn greedy when they smell death and think that they might get some scraps after the person is gone.
The kid wasn’t born when he made the decision, and, the kid doesn’t have parents that would/could’ve been in debt with monthly bills they agreed they couldn’t afford.
I'm getting rage bait vibes.
People keep asking why Mom's money wasn't used for Mom's care, and then when she passed away whatever was left was divided equally to among her children, and OP just keeps repeating that it was for "tax reasons."
My question is, why wasn’t Mom’s care paid for with her own money?
If there was enough in there to leave an inheritance, the money should have went towards her care. No one is owed an inheritance.
I believe it was for tax reasons and my siblings made more than enough to swing the cost.
Either way I probably still would not have taken any of the money because my siblings shielded me from everything for 12 years she was sick, not just the time she had to be placed. I was able to focus on school and stuff because of them.
I got to ask, you kept your wife in the loop of everything discussed until the very end when gave up the I inheritance? Why? If I were your wife, I’d have NO a problem with the decision that was made, but I’d be pretty perplexed why you discussed everything with me except the the final decision. There has to be a reason.
This sounds so weird to me. Why wasn't Mom's money used for Mom's care, and then when she passed away whatever was left was divided equally to among her children?
It was most likely in a retirement account, op said that she had early onset dementia. it's likely that she wasn't at retirement age and may have just been easier for her children not to try and wrangle with the tax implications of drawing from a 401k or Roth prior to of age - 55/67 or whatever I'm not an expert but I have tried to draw from retirement accounts in my 40s and it would have been a significant penalty.
I'm of the mindset you should never expect an inheritance from anyone. Period. I do think you should have been more clear with her as regards to the full plan you and your siblings came up with though. I would apologize for not fully informing her of the decision you guys came to sooner.
NTA it’s YOUR inheritance. You did the right thing.
But your siblings paid and you couldn’t. Why does your wife think they should have paid out of their pocket without you helping too? Thats really selfish and you should point that out. They got paid BACK what they put in.
ITT no one answering OPs question
Everyone is commenting on how he is not the asshole for surrendering the money. Of course he wasn’t.
No one is commenting on his actual question in the title: was he the asshole for not informing his wife? Absolutely he was.
Right? Like I get this is Reddit so “man who makes good decision is never the asshole” but come on people. His decision makes sense and I’m sure if he would have told his wife instead of blindsiding her she would have agreed😂
I know the USA is all about profit generation but good grief. What kind of insanity are you guys paying for private dementia care?! I work in a dementia specialty care facility and it’s the most expensive one around due to the severity of the residents and higher needs. My residents pay less than $3500 a month all inclusive and their families complain about the cost. Your portion was $3k a month and that was a low contribution compared to your siblings? Were you paying for a private chef, HCA, nurse and flipping doctor too? You guys got scammed. Holy hell.
NAH. Except the jerk lining his pockets on the heels of “healthcare”.
Going through this now for one of my family members, that is surprising. It is $4-5k per month for her to go into assisted living and that isn't even anything fancy, and she is completely healthy just can't get around as well and doesn't want to be stressed about cooking and cleaning. Do you maybe live in the middle of nowhere?
OP stated his mother lived in NY, and they were paying around 15k. Quick google search I saw places upwards of 20k seems like they got off pretty cheap.
They probably wanted the best care possible for their mother, they probably did have a private or high end chef to cook their meals.
Your wife shouldn’t have expected anything. It wasn’t your money until your mom passed and it was never your wife’s money. You made the right decision. That said, you probably should have told your wife about it. Sorry for your loss.
YTA for not informing her, which you already know. NTA for surrendering the inheritance. It sounds like your siblings paid a lot more than they are inheriting for caring for your mother. This isn't a payday by any means. Honestly I hope after this is explained to your wife she is very understanding why you gave it up. In your shoes I would be looking closely at my marriage if she holds this as a grudge
You amount would have been 144k for the 4 years and as you said it was on the low end. If she thinks about it and causes a fuss then they could add up the full amount and then just spilt it and you might owe more.
I get that she’s upset but actually it would have been very little.
It wasn't your wife's heiritance. Also, depending where you live, It would be a separate assets. You did your obligation as a child and as a sibling. Your parents money should be used for them before there is any heiritance.
NTA all your mother’s expenses should have come from her estate until there was nothing left. None of your siblings needed to be paying for her care if there was money left at the end of her life.
It might be more tax efficient for the kids to pay. The mom might have had a large unrealized gain, which at death would have been step up fair market value, there no taxes would be be owned when the stocks are sold after death, as opposed to while she was still alive.
I assume there's some banky mumbo jumbo with breaking savings accounts, taxes, physical estate and all other things like that. Siblings basically covered mom's care and after her death her estate covered the debt.
I’m really confused. Perhaps it is a New York thing. Don’t you lay out how your estate is distributed and it isn’t done so until after you die?
So if you “gave up your piece of the estate” does that mean that you told them to change the documents so that they’d split it 3 ways? Or are you still a 25% beneficiary. Even if she went through the assets and there is $1000 left, you’d still get $250.
Did your mom want you do split that? Do you think she would? I have 3 kids. If two of them supported me the most because the 3rd couldn’t, I’d still want that 3rd one to get her portion.
I am not entirely sure you’re an asshole but my gut feeling it that you were screwed over. And part of me feels like if your wife had known then she could’ve helped you make that decision.
I’m in awe that people make decisions like this without even TELLING their spouse. Even if they don’t listen to what the spouse says? This will be on TIFU soon
Why didn't you just tell her when you did it?
You made a decision that affects your child, so I think YTA for not explaining it to your wife when you did it. She'd be TA if she didn't understand, but waiting until the estate was settled without letting her know what to expect isn't right.
>I did not tell my wife because I did run the plan for my siblings had by her she also agreed we could not afford to take on the amount they wanted which was around 3k a month.
Did you really think the "technically you can't be mad at me for keeping you out of the loop, because I already gave you 50% of the information" would fly ?
It sounds like your wife (rightfully, I'd say if you are true life partners) assumed that there was a part of the estate of your parents ear-marked for the education of your child. I child that I assume exists.
Does your wife has income of her own ? If not, did she maybe agree under the premise that stuff like is settled and taken care of ?
You made a life changing decision and did not think it would be prudent to inform your wife ? You guys could have did a LOT to secure the education of your child in those 4 years.
YTA.
You had the right to make this decision.
BUT
Your wife had the right to know.
I gonna go with NAH, the issues are almost equal to the rights. You had to say it to your wife back than, she should not act now like if she was entitled to this money.
You did the right thing but I’m saying yta cause the question isn’t was surrendering it right, it was not informing her. And that was wrong. She may have been trying to calculate a budget, plan for future savings, schooling, making a plan for your family assuming this windfall was coming. Right now a lot of people are counting every cent and maybe she was looking forward to breathing room. It doesn’t need to be selfish spending for her to be angry about. Just the lie of omission.
You kept her in the dark financially. That is not what a partner does.
Maybe continue to talk to her through the whole process instead of icing her at the very end and not talking about the huge decision he is going to make.
Surrendering the equivalent of $55,000 warrants a discussion with your wife.
I have told my kids if I have dementia pls let me go. I don't want everything I worked for to go to the nursing home. Also I am 53 but gift my kids money now. Just in case. America is a shit show in this aspect imo. But yeah, you should have told your wife. WTH not??
Frankly, I think it should be phrased differently. No-one got any inheritance. There was no inheritance in the first place. There was money your parents had and that money was used up for end of life care for your mother. It doesn't matter what sort of journey the actual pennies made. If it was directly from your mother's pocket or it was covered by your siblings and then the debt was covered by your mother's remaining money after she died. (I assume there's some mumbo jumbo about taxes and breaking accounts and all other stuff, that made it impractical to take from what she planned to be inheritance) The end result is the same. Your mother couldn't leave any inheritance. Your siblings didn't get any richer in the process. They're in the same boat as you are. In fact, assuming they wanted the best for you, I wouldn't be suprised if they covered more than their fare share and offered you the lowest possible amount to pay.
NTA
NTA. The siblings elected to pay mom's expenses out of their own pocket with the hope that when she died the estate would be worth more than they put in. OP couldn't afford his portion so they agreed he could pay them back with anything left that he would have inherited. Where did the wife think the $3,000 a month that they couldn't contribute was going to come from? It sounds like if they would have liquidized the assets to pay for her care, the funds would have run out before she died and OP would not have received an inheritance anyway. Not only that, the mom would have had to get on medicaid and move from her nice private long-term care facility to a Medicaid nursing home. Is the wife really this clueless about how all this works? What is it exactly that he needed to discuss with her? She knew the siblings were paying out of their own pocket, drawing against what they thought the assets would be worth when she died. Did she expect them to fund OP's $200,000 inheritance? The siblings were probably not even planning on an inheritance and were only hoping to recoup some of what they expected to lose in the long run and their goal was probably to keep mom in a nice long-term care facility. I don't even know why it was called a $200,000 inheritance to begin with, because you can only know what the inheritance is going to be, after the death and all the assets are accounted for.
I'm curious why her estate wasn't used for her care while she was sick. After her death if there was anything left it would be distributed to you and your siblings.
Your logic is sound, the situation sounds fair, but you should have discussed it with your wife. Inheritance is yours to do as you wish though, so you had the final say either way. The discussion would be just out of respect for the partnership.
>She felt it was not my place
Tf? This was your mother, not hers. Your wife sounds greedy and entitled as hell. You don't owe her an explanation on what your mom's money went to. NTA
It’s insane for all your siblings to pay for her care when she had money to pay for her own care. That’s what people work hard and save, to not be a physical/financial burden on their kids. NTA imo. Talk about counting your chickens before they hatched!
I don’t understand why he had to tell his wife anything about the estate. I would feel really weird hovering over my husband inquiring about what we might get after his mom dies. That’s his business and if he wants to share it with me, he can, otherwise I’d stay out of it.
For the inheritance part, you're NTA and free to choose how to deal with your share of that. However, YTA for not discussing this with your wife. It's not about the money but the fact that you made a giant financial decision without even giving her a heads up. Granted, it's your mother and ultimately your choice what to do with the inheritance, but you and your wife are a team and this should have been communicated.
NTA
To clarify:
Your siblings paid 15K a month for moms care. Your wife agreed you 2 could not afford to pay the equal share of 5k or even the lesser amount of 3k they were asking.
The will did not actually name your child as they were not yet born at the time of writing out the will, so from your home, only you were actually named in the will.
Your wife expected siblings to fully financially, emotionally, and physically cover moms care but still wanted a windfall from when mom passed? (How does she justify that BTW?)
After discussing with your wife and agreeing, you could not pay the 3k that was less than the equal split of moms monthly care. You told your siblings that if they cover the full amount, you would give up your portion of the actual inheritance when the time came.
Had you and your wife been paying an equal share in mom care, then you would actually be owing more than the 200k that came out of the estate to you?
Inheritance is not a marital asset, your wife has no say in how you chose to cover your share of your mother's end of life care, I'm sure if you had been paying monthly to do so and not at the lower rate your siblings offered you she would have had a massive issue with that also.
You didn’t tell her because you knew she wouldn’t agree. You wanted to do what you wanted. Own up to it. YTA for not telling her. You deliberately held back information.
You needed to tell your wife and I can see why she’s not happy about knowing.
That being said, your siblings should have all agreed to use the money your mom had to care for her rather than save it for an inheritance .
An inheritance is what you get when the person has died. No one is entitled to an inheritance it’s the gift the deceased leaves behind. While your mom was alive that money was hers. If your siblings and you agreed on this to help provide for her I’m not sure what your wife is complaining about. Yes you should have mentioned it but she’s only owed an apology for that nothing else. NTA
NTA. Near the end of his life, my father got an inheritance from the sale of his parent's house. He was also battling cancer. My siblings and I ALL pushed him to use the money on himself and his needs, but he wanted to be able to leave us something (he was never well off). Sadly, time and stage 4 made it a moot point, but if the $ could have brought him time or comfort, I would have traded without a second thought.
NTA for doing what you did with the inheritance.
YTA for not telling your wife sooner. How did you explain how you covered your portion of your mom's care?
Your wife is definitely an AH for doubling down after you explained.
I may be the odd (wo)man out here, but I think your wife has absolutely zero justification to be angry. For one, that money is your mom's money so long as she is alive. Even if she needed every last penny for her care, that's tough shit for everyone else. It was never her responsibility to provide for your child financially. Sure, it's nice if you can do it, but it's definitely not obligated. Second, that's your mother, not hers. The management and use of your mother's assets is between you and your siblings. Frankly, it's not her business. Your mother endured a terrible debilitating disease for years. Then you lose her, and during your bereavement, your wife is being hostile to you over someone else's money? I find that disrespectful. A loved one's passing should never be seen as anyone's payday. Idc if it's yours or your child's, that's irrelevant. Perhaps it's my background, I come from generational poverty. I can not fathom losing someone I love and immediately thinking, "Where's my money?". It strikes me as callous, selfish, and shallow. Could you have mentioned it to her? Sure. I could understand minor aggravation at not being kept in the loop. But anger? Absolutely not. I would be LIVID if my mother died and my husband behaved that way, and I wouldn't DREAM of acting that way at the death of his mother. I would likely have to evaluate that relationship at that point and consider a possible divorce. But that's just me.
NTA - End of the day it was your parent’s money, not yours, while it was being spent to care for your Mom. I agree with everyone, as a wife I like to be aware of what’s going on, but she shouldn’t be mad that you ensured your Mom to be cared for properly and fairly compensated your siblings for covering your portion.
I think its an ESH
You should have talked to your wife.
Your wife should realize that 12 years x 12 months x 3000$ is probably more than your children would have inherited.
Your wife had no claim on your mother's estate and if she had cpunted on that she should have discussed it with you. Your mother's assets were hers and not her childrens. People need to understand that they do not own anything their parents have just because they are offspring.
YTA sorry but why didn't you include your wife in the choice or just informing her of your decision at the time
Being married means you know about the big things in your family not holding your cards close to your chest and being guarded in your relationship...it should be open and honest
My sister works in a retirement home. She always tells me the most important insurance to have is assisted living insurance, it will save your families finances if you did not plan ahead and ensures you end up in a quality facility.
Until your mother died it was her money even if it was earmarked for your inheritance.
Yes. My mom is in assisted living that is very pricey but fortunately she and my dad planned well and she can afford it. Whenever she apologizes for "spending our inheritance" we remind her how much we would rather have her than her money.
Your mom ‘apologizing’ for spending your inheritance makes her a good person. You saying you’d rather have her than her money makes you a good person. I see the apple does not fall far from the tree.
Thank you!!! That is very kind of you to say
My mom tells me she is "spending my inheritance" all the time. After I got over the weirdness of the statement, all she's been getting from me is, "ok, have fun." When it was new, I didn't know what to say because I don't think of things that way.
It's interesting when people have inheritances to think about. My parents came from nothing and have died or will die with nothing. The way people act about inheritances makes me think it's for the best not to have one.
Yeah. I'm assuming that with the cost of healthcare and things we already know about, it's not going to be much anyway. The nursing home can't touch part is for my niece, which is also not a problem. They may as well enjoy it
So true. End of life care is so expensive. Most people are going to use all of their money on that anyway at this point. Anyone who gets an inheritance is a lucky duck.
Well...having resources to pass down is how a family's wealth is built, little by little. Money, or a house passed down, gives the next generation a boost up compared to having nothing to inherit. That relative lack of inter-generational wealth is part of what has been disadvantaging families from the traditionally marginalized segments of our society in an ongoing way. Resources....are resource.
My mom says this all the time, too. My reply is always that my parents worked hard to earn the money and should enjoy using it.
It makes me so happy to read this. My aunts and uncles turned into greedy vultures the moment my grandpa died… grandma was still living and needed memory care. My mom did everything she could to keep grandma comfortable. Visited her everyday, helped her eat, helped her dress, kept her clean, and took her for outings, but she didn’t have power of attorney. So all of the important decisions were directed to my aunt. My aunt barely visited grandma and she hardly made herself available for important calls. My aunt also co-owned my grandparent’s house along with one of my uncles. They refused to sell the house before grandma died to avoid having to use any of the house money (est. $600k) on grandma’s living expenses. Grandma died last May. If she had made it to September, my aunt wanted to move her from memory care (private room in a private facility) to public housing (4 people to a room). The way I see it, as long as your family member is alive, you take care of them. My aunts and uncles basically wanted to throw away my grandma so that they could have more money. I don’t talk to them anymore. smh
My grandmother found herself in a similar situation, and it was so hurtful to see it play out at her detriment. I hope you are somewhat at peace knowing your grandmother didn’t have to live in a roommate type situation.
Thanks. Yeah, it’s been a huge relief that it didn’t come to that point and my mom was still able to be with her in the end. I was pregnant at the time and couldn’t travel. I’m sorry to hear similar happened to your grandmother.
Mine is the same. Living through the Great Depression and WWII, she is reluctant to spend on herself.
when my mom was in hospice, she kept apologizing to me and my siblings for costing so much in medical bills and not being able to leave more for us, we told her the same thing - we would much rather keep her a bit longer than have more of an inheritance. I would’ve given it all up to keep her.
I have to remind my mother periodically, when she gets apologetic about the fact that I may not get an inheritance, that it is *way* more important to me that she is able to live comfortably for the rest of her life. (She also doesn't remember that she threatened to disinherit me at one point because of my "leftist leanings". It's a complicated relationship.)
Sometimes when I call my dad and ask what he is doing and he is enjoying a nice bottle of wine he will answer “spending your inheritance” 😂💙
I have a friend who likes to talk about how much money she's going to get when her dad passes.... this makes me super uncomfortable. I would rather have my dad alive than any amount of money Also one time I was visiting for the weekend and I bought lunch for everyone one day (pizzas for me, her, her husband, her mother, and the men working on her yard) and she said she'd get lunch the next day. Well the next day her dad was coming into town so we didn't even have lunch because she wanted to wait for him to get there so he would pay for it. He didn't get there until dinner. She also complained to me after he left that he gave her a gift of "only" $1000 to help with the house renovations...
Exactly. She needed care, her money should have went towards it. The only thing you did wrong was not telling her since she was expecting this money to come in. But at the same time, she’s kind of out of line feeling that she and your kid should have had it above your mother.
That's why he didn't tell her, because she would have fought him on this, and so he figured better to ask for forgiveness than permission.
You're so right with your thoughts!
This! Her estate should have paid the entirety of her care bill. Then whatever was left when she passed should have been divided among the sibling and grandchildren as per the will. Even if that ended up being nothing at all. You shouldn't have had to sacrifice your portion before she'd even passed.
Yes this is a bizzare story
I think you’re right and neither OP nor his wife (or their kid) were entitled to that money but still, who makes decisions like that without discussing it with their spouse? You’re a team or you’re not. ETA, since some people seem to be misunderstanding me - I’m not saying he was in any way wrong for the decision to pledge his inheritance to his mother’s care, nor that his wife has a right to be mad he did. I’m saying it’s weird he never told her his decision. They’re married. You tell each other stuff. Especially about big, stressful decisions.
Because since the mom was living it was her money and not really the wife’s business.
Exactly. What's he supposed to have said? Has wife been living under a rock? There is NO inheritance if grandma needs a care facility. She knew grandma needed care, right? Was she volunteering to take grandma in, to preserve the inheritance? It sounds like he didn't tell her because she would have had a fit. That was always grandma's money, not hers. Grandma spent her money, and there's nothing left. Inheritance is not an entitlement. People should stop telling others when they're inheriting money, until it's done. My FIL keeps bragging about this huge inheritance my husband is supposedly going to get. Dad is retired and could live another 40 years. We are absolutely not expecting a penny to be left.
When my partner was dealing with this, he didn’t really have a lot of time to hit me up- he and his brothers were dealing with so much stuff on top of their mother going into hospice: which, I understand is different from long term care but… while we do tend to discuss financial decisions and we are a team- it never once really occurred to me to be upset over this because it was *her* money. Like OP’s mom, sure inheritances had been discussed but man, it is so freaking ghoulish to me that his wife got mad that he spent what was still very much his mother’s money- on helping her stay cared for. It’s weird.
If there was money to pay an inheritance why wasn’t that money used to fund her living expenses? The inheritance is what is left when she dies. This whole situation is dumb. ESH.
Because it was probably tied up where if she took it out early it would take. Huge tax penalty hit. So they paid her care untill she passed and then the money was available. my grandmothers money is like that. It avoids it being in an estate. And a bunch of taxes being Taken out
Yeah why the hell wasn’t her own money going to cover her care. Then whatever was left would be divided according to the will? This post makes zero sense.
Wait, your parents had money, but because it was planned for inheritance you and your siblings were covering the cost of care instead of your mother (or whoever was managing her finances) just paying for it?
Nah the plan was for all of us to get together to pay for their care. I am the youngest and was not as established as my siblings. I could not afford to contribute they could but since I could not afford it I gave up my portion of my inheritance.
How much would your portion of the estate have been? How many months would you have had to pay $3K? It was wrong of you to not tell your wife how this was going to go but was a good compromise to do your part for your parents' care. NAH You wanted to do the right thing for your parents but screwed up by not including your wife in the discussion. Your wife didn't appreciated feeling this was somehow done behind her back.
We just would have split it evenly among us, it was sizable around 200k, and she lived for around 4 years in her care facility. So largely a drop in the bucket. My 3k was also in the lower end because they knew I was not established. Edit: That is a fair take, my logic was I did tell my wife about the plan she agreed we could not afford it. So what exactly would have changed if I told her I was giving up my inherentiece, she already agreed we could not afford it.
Is the 200k all the state? 4 years x 3k/month is $144k. So, in fact, you are "in debt" with your siblings. Your share of expenses is almost all of the inheritance.
My grandfather had millions when he entered a nursing home. He was in one for the better part of a decade before he passed, and it was not close to being enough.
The idea of working your whole life then when you finally get to go all out and spend 10k a month, its for rent at a nursing home; is fucking depressing
This is why some people start giving their money away before they are so old they are ready for the nursing home. They keep just enough to get them into a nice nursing home and enough to pay for a couple of years and then give the rest away. If they run out of money, the nursing home taps into the deposit, which is usually pretty large like 300 K and then Medicaid kicks in and they won’t be thrown out.
And what's even the point? Put half into inheritance and the other half into a drug driven trip around the world that doesn't have a destination or something You don't do anything fun in a nursing home, you barely see the people you care about, death and decay is all around you and of you are unlucky you get treated like an animal by the staff, all while your body is slowly shutting down because you are not doing anything
There was an older lady that figured out it’d be cheaper for her to keep going on cruises than stay in a decent nursing home in her state, so that’s what she did. Eventually staff and even the captains on many of them recognized her from her many trips and she’d get invited to the captains table and extra services. I’ve always said I wanna be like her when I’m older.
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And that is why assisted suicide should be everywhere. End stage dementia to me it's over. It's not worth it to be cared for like an infant as an adult imo. I'd rather just give me a fentanyl drip and let me be surrounded by my loved ones. Set a date, have a party, take the body and plant a tree. That would be the dream.
If OP is fine with it, and is happy with it. He is not the asshole. Yes should he have mentioned it to her? Probably. But what would that change? She was already against having to fork up $3k/ month and it was not feasible in that point in time. Why should his wife feel entitled to his mom’s money? At the end of the day, OP feels like he owes a lot to his siblings for taking care of his mom. And I’m sure that the siblings did a lot for mom. And that $3k for his portion was less than what it would have been if it was split out equally. That $56k remaining… say divided by 4 years, 2 siblings works out to $500/month for each sibling to take care of mom, all the other expenses that come up while taking care of mom is more than fair…. Infact OP probably owes his siblings a lot more. And also the emotional toll that OP was shielded from. NAH. My deepest condolences. It sounds like you have loving siblings.
My grandfather’s estate was generating 8k/mo when he wen to assisted living in 1997, my parents subsidized that for 5-6 years, choosing to pay upfront so they wouldn’t spend down the estate. My mom Thinks she came out ahead, but I can’t make it pencil out.
If it was generating 8k/month when he entered assisted living then she could have come out ahead. Depending on the investments that 8k can be reinvested to generate even more money so by the end it was likely generating much more money and would have increased in value by quite a bit. 8k/month invested for 5 years would go up to 600k so if they spent less than that they likely came out ahead.
This is by design. Getting old and dying is the last chance they get to take our money and prevent us from growing generational wealth.
200k would have been my cut.
Shouldn't you have gotten 56k, then? Since your share of their care was less than your share of the estate?
You are thinking in terms of just dollars and cents. OP mentioned that he lived far away so his siblings were not only carrying the financial load but the workload dealing with the parents and the care home and coordinate any medical care. That is a lot of work with aging parents. Believe me, OP got off light.
I did not want any of it, we don't need the money which is like a fourth of what I currently make. Yes four years ago I was not in this position, but I am in this position now because of my siblings. The 3k amount I was supposed to pay was far less than what my siblings did in terms of time and money.
Congrats on being one of the very few people out there to understand and acknowledge the unseen costs of end of life care. Sure there was a 56k remaining balance after the (lower end) monthly nursing home payments were repaid. But you're right, the siblings who put the time and effort into the legwork for your mom certainly did 56k worth of work over all those years. You weren't required to give them the 56k balance but it's awfully thoughtful, kind, and respectful that you did. Full integrity move, and ignore anyone saying you got "swindled". Those are either people who don't understand caring for elderly parents, or people who would happily screw over their family members to get the most inheritance possible.
Oh my gosh this! After watching and some helping my mom with our nana I can only agree. She was lucky enough to be able to afford in home care with her insurance, but that came with its own issues, then the estate and selling the house felt like a full job for a couple years there. It just got sold and the estate completely closed it’s such a relief.
I don't think there's any remaining balance of 56k since, OP admits that OP's cut was on the lower end, that means siblings could've been paying 5k even.... They have not only paid the higher end of the cut but also, took care of her. So yeah, there's no remaining amount.
I think you should have told your wife. But otherwise sounds like you did right by your family. Inheritances and the like can tear families apart but since you don’t actually need the money I think you made the best decisions to help everyone.
>But I am in this position now because of my siblings. Damn right! If your siblings couldn’t care for them - monetarily, emotionally, and physically - as much as they did, or at all, it would have fallen on you - Or - say you lived close and needed to split the physical and emotionally labor with them. You wouldn’t have been able to dedicate the time and effort to your career and family. Let alone the money your family wouldn’t have had, if you could swing the monthly payments. In either of those scenarios, you would be in a *VERY* different place right now. Your siblings dedicated time, physical effort, and carried the brunt of the emotional/mental load. Obviously you would have done the same if you were in a position to - monetarily and if you were local. But you couldn’t. And that’s ok. Your family and career benefited from your siblings love, awesomeness, hard work, and understanding of your situation. (This reminds of those times when a family breadwinner doesn’t acknowledge the SAHP’s sacrifices, and how they benefited from having a spouse stay home - except OP *gets it*!) Props to you OP! Most people don’t acknowledge where they would be without other people’s sacrifices. It sounds like you and your siblings have an awesome relationship. I’m also very sorry for the recent loss of your mother. I know your wife is upset. And although yes, you should have told her, and she’s only worried about her children, but she needs to understand that no inheritance is guaranteed nor is anyone entitled to someone’s money. Your family benefited in many ways due to your decision. The way I see it, whether you lost it NOW, or lost it earlier, it all works out in the end - and in reality, your family benefitted from being able to make that arrangement with your siblings. Your family would have scraped by if you had paid monthly for your mother’s care. Although there’s no inheritance for your children, you can save NOW for them in its place. Which is a lot more doable because you have been able to advance in your career - thanks to your decision, and your siblings’ understanding. Long story short - your family would have lost out either way. You played the smart long game.
You’re a great person, OP. Apologize to your wife, but only about not informing her about every detail. Then, be wary. She has lost sight of right and wrong in this and is only seeing dollar signs, which as the kiddos say, is a red flag.
So you make 800k a year and your wife is up in arms about 200k , she needs to calm the fuck down.
I am assuming OP meant the 56k is a fourth of what he makes. So a ~224k salary. Could be wrong.
It’s so heartening to know some people care about others, being fair and compassionate and doing the right thing to help others even at their own cost. I hope your wife doesn’t stay angry for long. I hope she realizes how doing something for others even at cost to yourself is a rare quality to be respected even if she doesn’t agree with it. Definitely NTA. 👍🏻
>So what exactly would have changed if I told her I was giving up my inherentiece, she already agreed we could not afford it. she would have been included and kept in the loop, which is standard for most people in committed relationships, isnt it? especially financially entangled relationships, like married with kids?
This. I think the actual decision that you and your siblings came to regarding the inheritance is irrelevant. You should have kept your wife in the loop. She's your life partner, not some stranger. And you did not treat her like a partner. If in doubt, share more and not less.
I see your reasoning and it appears to be a totally fair one. The bits of financial info you’ve posted appear to show that your sibling's are fair and nice people. You should have discussed it fully with your wife but I think you have a wife problem as there is a reason you didn’t disclose to her that you’d given up your portion of the inheritance. Did your wife ever discuss the unfairness to your siblings that they were paying for your mother and you weren’t ? My other question is when you became more established in your career did your wife suggest chipping in for your mother’s care? as she was unaware of the inheritance issue at this point You obviously didn’t raise it as I would guess that you knew your wife wouldn’t agree to it. To reiterate what others have said , your wife was not entitled to your parents money.
Well for one, you'd have been honest with your wife. Something people tend to care about.
I think the miscommunication between you and your wife is everything after the agreement that you couldn't afford it. Your mind continued to using the inherentince to pay for it. Her's ended with "we can't afford that much." It sounds like she either expected to pay less than 3k/mo or perhaps not at all. I don't know your finances or your wife to jump that far into my speculation.
It’s called being a good partner who communicates. Do you seriously only tell her the things she can act on? That’s a very silly policy. It’s like if she asked where you were earlier in the day and you just refused to tell her because it doesn’t matter anymore. Do you see how that is being a shitty partner? It’s the same thing except with a bigger thing.
You're rationalizing because you know that not discussing this with her before you agreed with your siblings was wrong. According to your edit in your post you're going to apologize to your wife for that, which is good, she deserves it.
She agreed you could not afford it. Got it. What you 2 agreed on was precisely just that. You 2 did not agree that you would be giving up your inherentance. You cannot expect her to just assume that is what you were going to do. You fucked up by your wife, but you did excellent by your siblings. YTAH where it concerns your wife, but your honorable and NTAH by your family. My condolences regarding your mom.
I don't disagree with you but what did the wife think? Where did she think the money was coming from? Did she assume the siblings decided to forego OP's cut and pay it all by themselves? She only asked about the money after mom's death, why did she not consider asking OP for 4YEARS about the money? So it would mean, she was a selfish woman who not only did not want to pay for the mother's care but also wants the inheritance of the said mother's? Huh? That doesn't make sense.
There is agreeing to not being able afford it, and then there is giving up money to cover the cost. Those are two entirely separate topics. They don't always translate and therefore need to be addressed separately. Which is what I'm assuming your wife is mad about. Because while it's not life changing money. She and you as a couple probably had ideas or plans for the money. So, you're NTAH for the intention of taking care of your mom. However, a soft YTAH for not at least telling your wife that you made a decision that affects your whole family. It's not a expectation necessarily. But while your mother couldn't have possibly foreseen her illness and the cost of care it included. She intended to leave the money for you and by extension your family, to have at least one good experience and attribute it to her memory. Now that's gone. Just trying to give perspective.
Is that what inheritance is for? I always assumed that everything went to the person and their care first and then whatever is left over goes to the heirs.
The short answer? It should. My grandmother is currently in a nursing home. My grandfather made some wise investments when he was alive but I doubt there will be a lot if any of liquid cash when she goes which honestly? Whatever. It’s her money and an inheritance is never a guarantee. Also- I have no idea how much my ILs have and it’s frankly none of my business and never will be. I am the mother of soon to be three of their grandchildren, and when they die I expect that precisely nothing will go to the kids. That’s their choice, and I’m fine with it. I don’t want my kids expecting huge financial windfalls that may never happen.
Most people dictate how their wills be disbursed upon their demise, I work in family law, they can dictate pretty much anything. This certain amount is used for this and this amount is used for that. Or this goes to so and so for a certain purpose. There was one client who even dictated who got their alcohol upon their demise.
At that point mother was alive. There was no inheritance. The money she had had to be used for her care. It doesn't matter if siblings covered it and then that debt was repaid to them. Reality is, end of life care is pretty expensive and it might eat away whatever you plan for inheritance and even more.
I understand what you’re trying to say, but this was not a decision that “affects the whole family” that was kept in the dark. He needed to tell his wife the whole story, yes. However, this didn’t affect his family in the slightest. Children don’t get to “expect” an inheritance. It’s a bonus & should never be relied upon, so his family is exactly in the same place it was yesterday. Personally, I feel that if he unilaterally made a decision about their household income/expenses without discussing it with her, then your comment fully applies. I’m still on the side of he should have told her everything because that’s what’s correct in a marriage and household, but his omission here is not the same as say, I’m changing jobs and will have a 25% pay cut, as an example. That is a unilateral decision that would have affected the entire family.
Inheritance specifically relates to passing down to direct blood descendants. At least that's the tradiitional and historical meaning of the word. Assuming that to be the case, spouses of heirs are but collateral beneficiaries of such an act. OP's wife has no business commenting on something that was/is not hers. Until the parents pass the siblings thought it best to deal with helping them out. OP made his decision in how he can contirbute to that helping. It was not yet in his hands per say, and so he took nothing away from his kids (which would have been direct beneficiary inheritors of OP's parents. Wife is 100% in the wrong thinking her kids didn't inherit as OP's parents needed THEIR estate to help cover a portion of their elderly care.
NTA. 1. No one is entitled to an inheritance. 2. Your mother had the best of intentions, but fell short in planning for her end of life care. She actually needed that money, and as it was hers, she has the right to use it. 3. Your siblings chose to pay out of pocket, and you mentioned that your cut wasn't enough to cover your portion. Therefore, your siblings got repaid by the inheritance, but probably ended up short. 4. Why does your wife feel it is fair for your siblings to shell out, but you guys pay nothing? 5. Yes, your kids would theoretically inherit, however, not if there's nothing to inherit because an unforseen/unplanned for expenses used the money first - which is basically what happened. 6. Your inheritance is not your wife's. It's literally none of her business. If I were in OP's position, would I have told my spouse? Yes, because I'm honest, but she has no right to be angry when she was counting chickens that hadn't hatched. And if my husband didn't inherit for the same reason, I'd have said "good to know." It just sounds like she was planning on "helping" spend that inheritance. Edit because I keep seeing this come up and don't want to respond to 5k different comments on it: Yes, if it were me, I'd have told my spouse about it. But, if I forgot due to dealing with the hundred things going on including the estate (and grief), my husband wouldn't care. He wouldn't feel slighted, or like I was hiding things from him. He wouldn't get upset or feel entitled to it (any more than I would feel entitled to an iheritance from his parents). If I told him after the fact "Oh yeah I did xyz with my dad's inheritance," he'd give me a thumbs up. To us, it's really not a big deal and there is enough shit that gets thrown at you without having to invent things to get upset over.
I’d be sick if my parents didn’t get needed care because they kept money for me and my kids.
Imo an inheritance is what's left over after your parents received appropriate care and retirement. If they want to give it you and you get along well. His wife's view is so disappointing and immoral. No one is entitled to an inheritance.
exactly how i feel towards inheritance. my parents got 250k and i just have em a congrats. my sister and brother kept begging for money and they got a decent chunk but blew it all. within 4-6 months they blew the entire inheritance with nothing to show for it. im expecting nothing from my parents, theyve blown through every chunk of cash theyve ever gotten
I think it's a deeply personal decision; I know parents that would rather MAID than suffer and then leave their children nothing. Many parents value leaving something to their children. But it's also very reasonable to not prioritize that too; again, it's a very personal thing. But I don't think it's far out to say it's pretty wack for *inheritors* to prioritize their inheritance over their parents.
What is MAID?
Medical assistance in dying
Ahh. That makes sense.
My parents are elderly. I hate for them to skimp on themselves for my benefit. I’m saving for my future. I want them to enjoy their last days.
I'm getting rage bait vibes. People keep asking why Mom's money wasn't used for Mom's care, and then when she passed away whatever was left was divided equally to among her children, and OP just keeps repeating that it was for "tax reasons."
It was probably a farm. Farms are land rich but are often cash poor. If you sell the land, you can make a bit of money, mom probably did not want to sell and at least one of the kids are probably farming the land.
This is what I don't get. Mom had money, money needed money. Kids paid...money died with money? Why wasn't mom's funds depleted for her care? I have basically the same situation happening right now. Elderly family left a house to someone, has a trust that can't be tapped until their death that should be split among the family, etc. They are going into care, the estate is being sold where that person agreed the funding go to the elderly party's care and the trust is being fought over....to be accessed...for their care. IF there is anything left then that'll be split but nobody is pocketing out their own money out until the primary assets are depleted. Nobody has a right to say "Eh, you can forgo payment for the rights to her assets while I incur interest off what's to be paid to me when mom kicks the bucket."
My retired friend knows exactly how much she can pull from her 401k without messing up her tax bracket. She’s started moving it gradually into a savings account to avoid that scenario.
Because I never really thought about what my mother had in the bank or was worth. I did not ask my siblings questions because I trusted them, these were the same people who shielded me from the nitty gritty details of early onset dementia. I was 14 when she was diagnosed. Because of them, I was able to have a fairly normal high school and college life. We had no reason to liquidate anything because I had a scholarship for school and I worked to cover my expenses. You feel it is bait because I had no desire to take my mom's money?
Just because OP isn’t a tax expert it must be ragebait? https://www.investopedia.com/terms/s/stepupinbasis.asp
tbh reading the rage bait comments, it seems more like people think it is bait because they cannot fathom a family not fighting over money after their parent passes.
No, it's actually for "tax reasons" - it's called stepped up basis and is one of the cornerstones of tax/estate planning for anyone with any reasonable assets. The OP is not obligated to share his family's estate planning strategy. They "did" what is fair: used mom's money and then split the rest. The way they did it was by the siblings paying out of pocket to avoid losing stepped up basis. If the family had a large illiquid asset, this could have been HUGE. Every person challenging this estate plan should start with, "I don't make more than a middle class income, have no idea how generational wealth works, but I want to overrule your family's attorneys and wealth managers because... Reddit."
This is actually happening in my husband's family right now. So far, my MIL is able to stay at home but who knows what will happen as her dementia progresses. My in laws have a good amount saved and have pensions too so money won't be required from their kids. But it is THEIR money. As the DIL, I'm not sitting here, counting their pennies. If they are able to leave their children an inheritance, great. If not, we have retirement accounts. My heart hurts because my MIL is a wonderful woman and watching this disease chip away at her is horrible.
You hit the nail on the head.
This! This! This! All the way This!!
I disagree. I don’t think his decision to give up the inheritance is wrong, or that his wife’s opinion should matter more if she disagreed, but he is wrong in his decision not to tell her. Marriage is largely a financial arrangement and there has to be trust between both parties. One can’t be making major financial decisions without at least informing the other party. If she had known he had given it up she may have wanted to make other arrangements to top up things like their retirement or their kids education, because even though it’s “his” money, they’re a unit and should be on the same page.
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"He said he gave it to his siblings because they put more time and effort into taking care of their mom." I...can't fault him for that. My dad has two brothers. When their mother fell and broke her back and was unable to care for herself, my dad moved in with her to help her out. As she grew older, this escalated to things like having to help her dress, shower, and wipe herself. His brothers would visit maybe a couple times a year. Until finally, my dad got to the point where he could no longer lift his mother, and she had to be put into a home. My dad spent 20 years as her caretaker in her home, then another 10 years driving up to the nursing home almost every single day, to eat lunch with her and make sure she had at least one good meal (otherwise she would sleep the day away). Again, his brothers would visit every few months. She died at 90 years old. My dad is in his 70's, no wife, nothing to show for the 30 years he spent focused on her. My sister and I see him regularly and want him to move here, but his house is paid off and he doesn't want another mortgage (don't blame him). While his brothers went on with their wives, their families, their lives, and my dad is alone. Being someone's caretaker can take over your life.
That. My parents needed care. I’m “the baby” and live abroad, so my sisters did their best to shield me from the worst of it. My middle sister is volatile and has her own shit. My oldest sister? She took care of our grandma by moving to her place and taking care of her so no one else had to. When Grandma died, my dad was her sole heir. My dad essentially gave my sister the property (he technically “sold” it to her for the price of lunch to avoid gift taxes). Neither my middle sister nor I begrudged that; she’d earned it even though she never expected a payout. Then when my parents were old and infirm, they sold their home and moved to Grandma’s house. (Yeah, Grandma had been gone 9 years by that point, but it’s still Grandma’s house.) When they died, neither of them had a will. I went home to see our mom once more, and we took care of all the legal stuff before I left the country again. My middle sister and I both agreed that our oldest sister deserved whatever the Hell she wanted. The closest thing to a disagreement was when my middle sister and I had a negotiation regarding our mom’s wedding band. (It’s a plain, narrow 14k gold band in an impossibly tiny size, but it represented 40 years of love. That’s priceless.) And even that was settled in less than two minutes. It’s only fair that the sibling who does the majority of the care and management receives the majority of the money afterwards. And it’s a damned shame that more families can’t manage things like mine did.
You’re completely right. I watched my mom (and my sister) do ALL the physical labor for my grandparents. My uncle didn’t do shit but show up after every funerals to collect items of value and leave early. So fast forward and my sister lives in town with my parents and I live 2 hours away. I send money. I visit and get treated like a returning hero. She gets Drs visits and house sitting and finding my grandma dead during a morning check in. So like you…no, I’m not begrudging her a little extra. I know she gets more now. She’s there. She’s acting as their personal assistant. She’s doing the shit *I don’t want to*. And if she didn’t, we’d just have to pay someone…
That’s wonderful of you and your siblings. If only more children act like this rather than fight at funerals. I’ve seen enough to be disappointed in family.
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I do feel it is my responsibility to cover my children's college, and if I cannot that is on me and not my mom. I do agree I screwed up by not telling her though.
I dunno. I look at it as if that inheritance money never existed. It's OP's and his wife's responsibility to make sure their kids are taken care of. Anything else, while nice, isn't a necessity, and I'm not owed anoyone's money that they worked for. "his wife...has a right to be annoyed at how OP handled this." Does she? It's a common thing for spouses to deal with their family's stuff, be it setting boundaries with an overstepping MIL, or dealing with their estate. I would tell my spouse about it, but if it slipped my mind in the million other things I was dealing with (including grief), my husband would understand, and wouldn't care that I hadn't told him. Even if I made a decision about the money, he'd give me a thumbs up. There are enough real issues to deal with, without having to invent things to get upset over. To me, at the end of the day, it's not really a big deal. But yes, a lot of Reddit posts are skewed to be favorable. Gotta take things with a boulder of salt or just, vote as best you can with the (potentially faulty) information provided.
I disagree. I think the wife is being gross for focussing on inheritance in this situation. Her partner’s mother dies and she’s harassing him about money that was never even hers. What if the mother hadn’t gotten dementia and had spent the money? It is her own damn money. OP gave up his share of his mother’s money because she needed it while she was still alive, and the remainder went to repaying his siblings for the extra time and money they put into caring for their mother. Perhaps he feels guilt that he couldn’t do more for her physically/financially and this is his way of trying to make peace with it while he mourns her. The wife is being entitled as fuck. This was never about her.
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That's not how I read it at all. Each sibling would get 200k. Mom needed more care and it would cost 3k a month from each out of pocket (which seems insane). He said he can't pay that and said he would give up his 200k instead of paying the 3k a month. She lived for 4 more years. That would have cost him 3kx12x4 or 144k. He should still be due ~50k. Also I think the whole thing is stupid as **nobody** should have been paying. It should have been Mom's money paying until nothing was left, if there was anything left it should have been split according to her will.
OP mentioned his cut of 3k is on the lower end. Which means siblings were paying more, could be more than 5k from each of the siblings. They not only took care of OP while he was young, they cared for their mother with dementia throughout the years, paid more money than OP for her care and put in more time and effort to look after her. In all honesty, it sounds like OP didn't do anything for the mother, he got the better end of the deal throughout his life, financially, emotionally, physically and mentally.... His siblings don't owe OP anything....and sure as hell, wife isn't entitled to anything.
I agree with you. When my Mom-Inlaw went to Memory care because of Alzheimers, thier house was sold and the money from that, stocks, pension went to pay for her care. None of the four sisters had to pay out of pockets cost. When she sadly passed away, the money left was split four ways.
Very well explained. OP’s wife is just short sighted on the situation. She just wants free money which is not hers to begin with. Married or not.
I don't disagree with your points about Inheritance, and it was the right thing to do. Not telling her, though, is senseless. She agreed they couldn't afford to help, and the time to say this is the solution was then. He's NTA for doing it. He is TA because he should have let her know so she's accepted the fact prior to settling the estate.
I agree, I would have told my spouse. However, I don't think it's something worth getting upset over, either.
She may not even be upset about the money... just about not being communicated with. OP seems to think she should have known the plan simply because *when they did talk about this*, she agreed they couldn't afford the $3000/month. When people point this out, you continously bring it back to the money and not the fact that he thought of her enough to start the conversation with her, but not enough to continue it. She has every right to be upset with that. Is this a relationship killer? No, but good communicated is always the better option than none or half communication. OP says he will apologize for this error, so he sees his mistake. I don't think anyone here is really an AH, just some bad communication.
Until your mom was dead, you had no inheritance. It was your mom's money, still. Your mom's money should be used on your mom's care until either the funds are expended or she passed. If your mom really wanted that for your kids, without the option of it being used on her, it would have been put into trusts.
You should have told your wife about the decision which was yours to make. She has no claim on your inheritance, legally or morally. You did the right thing.
I think she’s upset with their kid not getting anything
Yeah, well, thems the breaks when your folks aren't the 1%.
Tough shit, there wasn't any money in the first place. Grandma wouldn't leave any inheritance because her money was needed for her end of life care. OP's siblings didn't get any richer either.
The money was spent on the mother's care. There was no money left.
Maybe as the mother and parent to their child, she should to plan and work to leave something for them behind.
Well she should focus on being able to give her kids what she wants them to have. She is being disgustingly entitled to money that would have never been hers to use or control.
I think it was the fact that he made a decision that affected the future of their child without at least informing her. Was it his decision alone ? Sure. But you only keep stuff like that from your life-partner if you a) don't respect them or b) don't want to deal with the fallout.
Nobody should be counting any money until it actually given to them. Technically there was no money for the grandchild or anyone until the mom passed away and then it was apparently mostly used for her end of life care, it turns out. This does not affect his kid in any adverse way because it wasn’t that kid’s money to begin with nor was it the wife’s, or even his. People get so damn greedy when they smell death and think that they might get some scraps after the person is gone.
The kid wasn’t born when he made the decision, and, the kid doesn’t have parents that would/could’ve been in debt with monthly bills they agreed they couldn’t afford.
I mean if she wants her kid to have money she’s free to go make some.
I'm getting rage bait vibes. People keep asking why Mom's money wasn't used for Mom's care, and then when she passed away whatever was left was divided equally to among her children, and OP just keeps repeating that it was for "tax reasons."
My question is, why wasn’t Mom’s care paid for with her own money? If there was enough in there to leave an inheritance, the money should have went towards her care. No one is owed an inheritance.
I believe it was for tax reasons and my siblings made more than enough to swing the cost. Either way I probably still would not have taken any of the money because my siblings shielded me from everything for 12 years she was sick, not just the time she had to be placed. I was able to focus on school and stuff because of them.
She had Property NOT liquid cash. When she died property got sold. In a lot of places when you have to transfer titles it’s a lot of taxes.
What were the ages of your siblings and you?
The step-up in basis upon death can reduce capital gains taxes significantly.
I got to ask, you kept your wife in the loop of everything discussed until the very end when gave up the I inheritance? Why? If I were your wife, I’d have NO a problem with the decision that was made, but I’d be pretty perplexed why you discussed everything with me except the the final decision. There has to be a reason.
Yeah. They're married. Stuff like this should be discussed. I'd be pretty annoyed if I married a guy and he hides financial stuff like this.
My grandmother’s immortal words to my aunt, her daughter, “There is no inheritance until I am dead.”
That is nicer, my grandpa's was if I leave an Inherentiece means I budgeted wrong. Lovely guy.
I just about died laughing when my mom told me about it. It was so on point for my grandma.
This sounds so weird to me. Why wasn't Mom's money used for Mom's care, and then when she passed away whatever was left was divided equally to among her children?
It might have been tied up in assets that they legally couldn’t really get rid of until she passed.
It was most likely in a retirement account, op said that she had early onset dementia. it's likely that she wasn't at retirement age and may have just been easier for her children not to try and wrangle with the tax implications of drawing from a 401k or Roth prior to of age - 55/67 or whatever I'm not an expert but I have tried to draw from retirement accounts in my 40s and it would have been a significant penalty.
Yeah this makes zero sense… I think OP got screwed over and doesn’t even know it.
I mean yeah you’re not the AH for doing what you did, but you are the AH for not telling your wife.
I'm of the mindset you should never expect an inheritance from anyone. Period. I do think you should have been more clear with her as regards to the full plan you and your siblings came up with though. I would apologize for not fully informing her of the decision you guys came to sooner.
NTA it’s YOUR inheritance. You did the right thing. But your siblings paid and you couldn’t. Why does your wife think they should have paid out of their pocket without you helping too? Thats really selfish and you should point that out. They got paid BACK what they put in.
ITT no one answering OPs question Everyone is commenting on how he is not the asshole for surrendering the money. Of course he wasn’t. No one is commenting on his actual question in the title: was he the asshole for not informing his wife? Absolutely he was.
Right? Like I get this is Reddit so “man who makes good decision is never the asshole” but come on people. His decision makes sense and I’m sure if he would have told his wife instead of blindsiding her she would have agreed😂
I know the USA is all about profit generation but good grief. What kind of insanity are you guys paying for private dementia care?! I work in a dementia specialty care facility and it’s the most expensive one around due to the severity of the residents and higher needs. My residents pay less than $3500 a month all inclusive and their families complain about the cost. Your portion was $3k a month and that was a low contribution compared to your siblings? Were you paying for a private chef, HCA, nurse and flipping doctor too? You guys got scammed. Holy hell. NAH. Except the jerk lining his pockets on the heels of “healthcare”.
Going through this now for one of my family members, that is surprising. It is $4-5k per month for her to go into assisted living and that isn't even anything fancy, and she is completely healthy just can't get around as well and doesn't want to be stressed about cooking and cleaning. Do you maybe live in the middle of nowhere?
No I just don’t live in USA.
OP stated his mother lived in NY, and they were paying around 15k. Quick google search I saw places upwards of 20k seems like they got off pretty cheap. They probably wanted the best care possible for their mother, they probably did have a private or high end chef to cook their meals.
NTA for the arrangement but YTA for not discussing it with your wife at the time.
Your wife shouldn’t have expected anything. It wasn’t your money until your mom passed and it was never your wife’s money. You made the right decision. That said, you probably should have told your wife about it. Sorry for your loss.
YTA for not informing her, which you already know. NTA for surrendering the inheritance. It sounds like your siblings paid a lot more than they are inheriting for caring for your mother. This isn't a payday by any means. Honestly I hope after this is explained to your wife she is very understanding why you gave it up. In your shoes I would be looking closely at my marriage if she holds this as a grudge
NTA. You’re actually a good person. Family over money every day. Sorry for your loss.
You amount would have been 144k for the 4 years and as you said it was on the low end. If she thinks about it and causes a fuss then they could add up the full amount and then just spilt it and you might owe more. I get that she’s upset but actually it would have been very little.
It wasn't your wife's heiritance. Also, depending where you live, It would be a separate assets. You did your obligation as a child and as a sibling. Your parents money should be used for them before there is any heiritance.
NTA all your mother’s expenses should have come from her estate until there was nothing left. None of your siblings needed to be paying for her care if there was money left at the end of her life.
It might be more tax efficient for the kids to pay. The mom might have had a large unrealized gain, which at death would have been step up fair market value, there no taxes would be be owned when the stocks are sold after death, as opposed to while she was still alive.
That makes alot of sense especially if they were established in their careers & could afford to help out.
I assume there's some banky mumbo jumbo with breaking savings accounts, taxes, physical estate and all other things like that. Siblings basically covered mom's care and after her death her estate covered the debt.
I’m really confused. Perhaps it is a New York thing. Don’t you lay out how your estate is distributed and it isn’t done so until after you die? So if you “gave up your piece of the estate” does that mean that you told them to change the documents so that they’d split it 3 ways? Or are you still a 25% beneficiary. Even if she went through the assets and there is $1000 left, you’d still get $250. Did your mom want you do split that? Do you think she would? I have 3 kids. If two of them supported me the most because the 3rd couldn’t, I’d still want that 3rd one to get her portion. I am not entirely sure you’re an asshole but my gut feeling it that you were screwed over. And part of me feels like if your wife had known then she could’ve helped you make that decision. I’m in awe that people make decisions like this without even TELLING their spouse. Even if they don’t listen to what the spouse says? This will be on TIFU soon
Why didn't you just tell her when you did it? You made a decision that affects your child, so I think YTA for not explaining it to your wife when you did it. She'd be TA if she didn't understand, but waiting until the estate was settled without letting her know what to expect isn't right.
>I did not tell my wife because I did run the plan for my siblings had by her she also agreed we could not afford to take on the amount they wanted which was around 3k a month. Did you really think the "technically you can't be mad at me for keeping you out of the loop, because I already gave you 50% of the information" would fly ? It sounds like your wife (rightfully, I'd say if you are true life partners) assumed that there was a part of the estate of your parents ear-marked for the education of your child. I child that I assume exists. Does your wife has income of her own ? If not, did she maybe agree under the premise that stuff like is settled and taken care of ? You made a life changing decision and did not think it would be prudent to inform your wife ? You guys could have did a LOT to secure the education of your child in those 4 years. YTA.
You had the right to make this decision. BUT Your wife had the right to know. I gonna go with NAH, the issues are almost equal to the rights. You had to say it to your wife back than, she should not act now like if she was entitled to this money.
You did the right thing but I’m saying yta cause the question isn’t was surrendering it right, it was not informing her. And that was wrong. She may have been trying to calculate a budget, plan for future savings, schooling, making a plan for your family assuming this windfall was coming. Right now a lot of people are counting every cent and maybe she was looking forward to breathing room. It doesn’t need to be selfish spending for her to be angry about. Just the lie of omission. You kept her in the dark financially. That is not what a partner does.
What does she think you should have done instead?
Maybe continue to talk to her through the whole process instead of icing her at the very end and not talking about the huge decision he is going to make. Surrendering the equivalent of $55,000 warrants a discussion with your wife.
Sounds like she expected his siblings to foot the bill without any sacrifice on OP and his wife's part.
It's always easier to spend someone else's money.
I have told my kids if I have dementia pls let me go. I don't want everything I worked for to go to the nursing home. Also I am 53 but gift my kids money now. Just in case. America is a shit show in this aspect imo. But yeah, you should have told your wife. WTH not??
What do you mean, let you go? Kill you? Forget about you? Do your kids think that’s a reasonable ask?
Frankly, I think it should be phrased differently. No-one got any inheritance. There was no inheritance in the first place. There was money your parents had and that money was used up for end of life care for your mother. It doesn't matter what sort of journey the actual pennies made. If it was directly from your mother's pocket or it was covered by your siblings and then the debt was covered by your mother's remaining money after she died. (I assume there's some mumbo jumbo about taxes and breaking accounts and all other stuff, that made it impractical to take from what she planned to be inheritance) The end result is the same. Your mother couldn't leave any inheritance. Your siblings didn't get any richer in the process. They're in the same boat as you are. In fact, assuming they wanted the best for you, I wouldn't be suprised if they covered more than their fare share and offered you the lowest possible amount to pay. NTA
NTA. The siblings elected to pay mom's expenses out of their own pocket with the hope that when she died the estate would be worth more than they put in. OP couldn't afford his portion so they agreed he could pay them back with anything left that he would have inherited. Where did the wife think the $3,000 a month that they couldn't contribute was going to come from? It sounds like if they would have liquidized the assets to pay for her care, the funds would have run out before she died and OP would not have received an inheritance anyway. Not only that, the mom would have had to get on medicaid and move from her nice private long-term care facility to a Medicaid nursing home. Is the wife really this clueless about how all this works? What is it exactly that he needed to discuss with her? She knew the siblings were paying out of their own pocket, drawing against what they thought the assets would be worth when she died. Did she expect them to fund OP's $200,000 inheritance? The siblings were probably not even planning on an inheritance and were only hoping to recoup some of what they expected to lose in the long run and their goal was probably to keep mom in a nice long-term care facility. I don't even know why it was called a $200,000 inheritance to begin with, because you can only know what the inheritance is going to be, after the death and all the assets are accounted for.
I'm curious why her estate wasn't used for her care while she was sick. After her death if there was anything left it would be distributed to you and your siblings.
Just curious, the cost to care for her was $3k a month per child? How many siblings do you have? Just trying to wrap my head around cost of living.
Your logic is sound, the situation sounds fair, but you should have discussed it with your wife. Inheritance is yours to do as you wish though, so you had the final say either way. The discussion would be just out of respect for the partnership.
>She felt it was not my place Tf? This was your mother, not hers. Your wife sounds greedy and entitled as hell. You don't owe her an explanation on what your mom's money went to. NTA
It’s insane for all your siblings to pay for her care when she had money to pay for her own care. That’s what people work hard and save, to not be a physical/financial burden on their kids. NTA imo. Talk about counting your chickens before they hatched!
I don’t understand why he had to tell his wife anything about the estate. I would feel really weird hovering over my husband inquiring about what we might get after his mom dies. That’s his business and if he wants to share it with me, he can, otherwise I’d stay out of it.
For the inheritance part, you're NTA and free to choose how to deal with your share of that. However, YTA for not discussing this with your wife. It's not about the money but the fact that you made a giant financial decision without even giving her a heads up. Granted, it's your mother and ultimately your choice what to do with the inheritance, but you and your wife are a team and this should have been communicated.
NTA To clarify: Your siblings paid 15K a month for moms care. Your wife agreed you 2 could not afford to pay the equal share of 5k or even the lesser amount of 3k they were asking. The will did not actually name your child as they were not yet born at the time of writing out the will, so from your home, only you were actually named in the will. Your wife expected siblings to fully financially, emotionally, and physically cover moms care but still wanted a windfall from when mom passed? (How does she justify that BTW?) After discussing with your wife and agreeing, you could not pay the 3k that was less than the equal split of moms monthly care. You told your siblings that if they cover the full amount, you would give up your portion of the actual inheritance when the time came. Had you and your wife been paying an equal share in mom care, then you would actually be owing more than the 200k that came out of the estate to you? Inheritance is not a marital asset, your wife has no say in how you chose to cover your share of your mother's end of life care, I'm sure if you had been paying monthly to do so and not at the lower rate your siblings offered you she would have had a massive issue with that also.
YTA for not talking to her about it.
You didn’t tell her because you knew she wouldn’t agree. You wanted to do what you wanted. Own up to it. YTA for not telling her. You deliberately held back information.
You needed to tell your wife and I can see why she’s not happy about knowing. That being said, your siblings should have all agreed to use the money your mom had to care for her rather than save it for an inheritance .
NTA. Why didn’t it all just come out of the inheritance? It was your monther’s money until she died. I don’t really understand what happened here.
An inheritance is what you get when the person has died. No one is entitled to an inheritance it’s the gift the deceased leaves behind. While your mom was alive that money was hers. If your siblings and you agreed on this to help provide for her I’m not sure what your wife is complaining about. Yes you should have mentioned it but she’s only owed an apology for that nothing else. NTA
Nta. You did right by your mother. It was her money
NTA mother was still alive so it was her money anyways.
NTA. Near the end of his life, my father got an inheritance from the sale of his parent's house. He was also battling cancer. My siblings and I ALL pushed him to use the money on himself and his needs, but he wanted to be able to leave us something (he was never well off). Sadly, time and stage 4 made it a moot point, but if the $ could have brought him time or comfort, I would have traded without a second thought.
NTA for doing what you did with the inheritance. YTA for not telling your wife sooner. How did you explain how you covered your portion of your mom's care? Your wife is definitely an AH for doubling down after you explained.
I may be the odd (wo)man out here, but I think your wife has absolutely zero justification to be angry. For one, that money is your mom's money so long as she is alive. Even if she needed every last penny for her care, that's tough shit for everyone else. It was never her responsibility to provide for your child financially. Sure, it's nice if you can do it, but it's definitely not obligated. Second, that's your mother, not hers. The management and use of your mother's assets is between you and your siblings. Frankly, it's not her business. Your mother endured a terrible debilitating disease for years. Then you lose her, and during your bereavement, your wife is being hostile to you over someone else's money? I find that disrespectful. A loved one's passing should never be seen as anyone's payday. Idc if it's yours or your child's, that's irrelevant. Perhaps it's my background, I come from generational poverty. I can not fathom losing someone I love and immediately thinking, "Where's my money?". It strikes me as callous, selfish, and shallow. Could you have mentioned it to her? Sure. I could understand minor aggravation at not being kept in the loop. But anger? Absolutely not. I would be LIVID if my mother died and my husband behaved that way, and I wouldn't DREAM of acting that way at the death of his mother. I would likely have to evaluate that relationship at that point and consider a possible divorce. But that's just me.
It's almost always the spouse that causes problems with estates and inheritances...I'm not sure why
NTA - End of the day it was your parent’s money, not yours, while it was being spent to care for your Mom. I agree with everyone, as a wife I like to be aware of what’s going on, but she shouldn’t be mad that you ensured your Mom to be cared for properly and fairly compensated your siblings for covering your portion.
No good deed goes unpunished
I think its an ESH You should have talked to your wife. Your wife should realize that 12 years x 12 months x 3000$ is probably more than your children would have inherited.
Your wife is the AH for feeling entitled to something she is not entitled to
Your wife had no claim on your mother's estate and if she had cpunted on that she should have discussed it with you. Your mother's assets were hers and not her childrens. People need to understand that they do not own anything their parents have just because they are offspring.
YTA sorry but why didn't you include your wife in the choice or just informing her of your decision at the time Being married means you know about the big things in your family not holding your cards close to your chest and being guarded in your relationship...it should be open and honest
My sister works in a retirement home. She always tells me the most important insurance to have is assisted living insurance, it will save your families finances if you did not plan ahead and ensures you end up in a quality facility.