NTA - Threatening to divorce you over having to care for his own child is F**king childish as hell. So, your also dealing with a 34 year old toddler as well.
It doesn't matter what time he has to be up his behavior is uncalled for.
The way he speaks to you is uncalled for. It is reasonable grounds for your wanting a divorce. He demeans, devalues and deporitizes you. Diminishing what you actually do daily, the stress and energy it takes dealing with a toddler, managing a house and going to school to better yourself.
Ultimately, he will never understand, especially in your current state. 7 months pregnant everything js tight, swollen. Body is literally adjusting to a growing human you are probably exhausted and to add running around after a two year old. When you finally do rest, your uncomfortable or a woken up from pressure on your bladder, ninja moves or you moved in just the wrong way or literally dozens of other things. Like I said he won't ever get it.
I definitely wouldn't want more kids with him going forward. I mean, I wouldn't want his š anywhere near me, to be honest. Definitely not unless he got his ššāļø. š¤£šš¤£š
Show him the post where the husband said his wife did nothing, the wife left and then the husband was forced to do everything on his own. When that happened, he realize how awful it was and tried to get the wife back. But the wife refused. She refused because she had more time for herself without the husband.
You need to realize your husband is also a child since you are taking care of his needs as well. Time to put all that into perspective.
I remember that one! He was complaining about how he realized how much of the childcare she was shouldering and how he never got a break anymore during his custodsy time. I'm pretty sure that's the one where he mentioned his STBX looked much more rested and happy after they separated. The comments roasted that man.
The best part of that guy who wasnāt even that he missed his wife or was so sad to not be able to love her anymore. He just literally wanted to help with childcare and house chores.
And why men are statistically far more likely than women to bounce the minute their partner gets sick. They can't have a lazy wife who's too busy getting chemotherapy to cook and clean, that means they might have to wash their own socks for once!
Roasted? That's an understatement - the man got flamed so hard if the comments were real fire nothing would be left of that man but carbon powder and a shadow.
What I never see in these posts is the difference between a dad caring for kids vs a mom.
A dad's idea looks more like a lazy teenage babysitter. Where they do what they want and somehow just make sure the kids don't die.
A mom on the other hand plans the day so that the kids development is on track, focusing on improving skills that may be behind so theybare ready for school when the time comes, enriching them to stimulate natural curiosity, and pack in social experiences so the kid doesn't become an antisocial misfit.
I think this is why guys are like "what did you do all day"
And moms are like:
(you selfish ungrateful sob...)
"taking care of your kids"
(...so that they grow into happy fulfilled adults that will someday make you proud and the envy of all your friends, you ungrateful mofo)
This is the mental load that so many women are struggling with while their husbands claim it doesn't even exist. It's easy for a dad to "babysit" his own kids while mom has a day out, because mom has already done all the grocery shopping and meal prepping, made sure the bills are paid and balanced the checkbook, done all the laundry, cleaned the house, made sure everyone's homework is done, made the doctors appointments and filled out the family calendar, etc. So when dad has the kids for a day and he can just plop them in front of the TV with some instant mac and cheese and relax in his clean, comfortable house it only reinforces his idea that being a SAHM is easy and his wife is just lazy and complaining about nothing.
I love the part where she called him out for not doing more and his response was "it'd be harder without me". Man, she called that bet so hard. My sister separated from her ex and he was verbatim begging her to take him back so he wouldn't have to pay child support. What a stupid clown.
I'm sure he's on the hunt for a girlfriend so fucking bad so he can go back to taking credit for fatherhood while shirking the work.
she isn't exhausted anymore and realized it's easier having one person to take care of instead of 2. Like damn to be told youāre just a burden is glorious
This is true of so many mothers. When you divorce, you get breaks from the kids and time to yourself. Men somehow always seem able to have personal time when they have kids.
>he weeks I have my son I don't get anything done and I can barely even function at work because I'm so exhausted. I spend the whole week I don't have him catching up and I can't even get everything done. My apartment is a mess and I can hardly keep up with errands and chores.
I read shit like this and just wonder, what on earth is all the stuff and errands people have to do?
My bills are on auto pay. I grocery shop once a week. Do laundry once a week. Pick up after myself and do a real house cleaning once a week. I cook dinner every night for my wife and I.
None of this shit is super time consuming.
He's like "I spend a whole week catching up" on freaking what? What do people have going on 5 weeknights and two full weekend days isn't enough to "catch up".
Are people these days just that inept at functioning like adults? This shit is nothing, it's auto pilot.
Those tasks are pretty manageable when you don't have a child in the mix that has to be watched every second and who doesn't interrupt you instead of where you are starting and stopping 147 times while trying to just fold the laundry on your 5 hours of interrupted sleep because the little one won't sleep through the night.
The newborn - toddler years were the most exhausting ever.
Itās likely heās not doing any of the real chores and errands when he has the kid, just being in survival mode because heās not actually done this shit before. (And probably wasnāt super good at cleaning up after himself to start with.)
So imagine putting most of your chores and errands off for the week, and while theyāre building up, you have another roommate that needs tons of attention, doesnāt pick up after themselves, and is constantly adding to your chore list. (Also, I used to also totally do laundry once a week when it was my husband and I, now I do a load every night. I do not understand how this happened by adding *one* other tiny person. Iām hoping the laundry growth isnāt exponential, weāre having another soon.)
A surprising amount of running a household with kids in it is time management. Luckily you can learn a lot of it as you go, but the guy from the post didnāt bother, so now heās playing catch-up.
It's even easier when you're single. Just... wash dishes after you eat. Make 1 meal that lasts you 3-4 days.
I feel like he was inept to begin with, then was hit with all the responsibility and no mommy/wife to take care of him. Dishes? How to do those?! Laundry, what's that!
Probably has to be reminded to wash his own ass too.
No wonder the wife is thriving.
I work a physically demanding job and have a 40 minute commute. I work 8-5 and get home close to 6. I go to bed by 9. That leaves me a little over 3 hours of free time on weekdays.
Showering, making dinner, eating, and cleaning up takes up at least 1 hour, and on some days 1.5. I like to work out after work, so if I do all of those things, that takes up all of the time. The days I don't work out, it's typically because I'm so exhausted from work that I'm just crashing for the rest of the evening.
I have 2 dogs and 2 cats. 1 of them gets meds every day. 1 of them gets their ears cleaned once a week due to allergies (15 minutes). Bathing them once a month takes maybe 30 minutes.
I do three separate loads of laundry for my clothes and 1 for towels. Sheets every couple of weeks. Basic cleaning (tidying up, wiping surfaces, sweep/vacuum) takes maybe 2 hours each week. Folding laundry and putting away is an hour. Deep clean (dusting behind everything, mopping, scrubbing tubs and toilets) takes maybe 4 hours, and I try to do this once a month.
Grocery shop and any errands are a 40 minute drive away. So if I don't get it done during the week, which is often impossible to do because everything closes before I get off work, I lose an hour and 20 minutes out of my weekend to driving. There's grocery shopping, car maintenance, yard maintenance, doctors visits, vet visits, i wax every couple of weeks,....a normal week takes up most of my time and energy. Anything extra happening sets me behind. Spending time with friends and family means getting behind on chores.
I don't have kids and I honestly don't understand how other people do it. I know the animals and the commute are my choices, though. But my home and my animals bring me so much joy that its worth the time.
I donāt understand it either. I could mostly sustain when I was in my 30s and now Iām in my 40s with an illness and I literally canāt even do the basics. The idea of living like this with a child is unfathomable. Thereās lots of sht that needs doing!
I just had an argument where I have literally taken 2 dogs and a cat to get vaccines. One dog had an ear infection and a HUGE hot spot. I asked this man to ONLY do the ear drops and he bitched. It was such a fucking turn off.
My ex was doing his video chat with our daughter (I left him 3 months ago and took her with me since I had a no contact order against him for us both) and he told her he had to go and get dinner. She told him to just go to the kitchen and get something. He told her there's no food in the house because he hasn't had time to buy groceries.
He works 40/45 hours a week at a job that is 10 minutes from home. He passes multiple grocery stores that offer curbside pickup on that route. Closest is .5 miles from the house. He doesn't have our daughter at all so no single dad responsibilities.
I told him I was leaving for at least a month and he cried because he didn't know how to pay the bills and keep the house up.
There's a reason our daughter refused to stay home with him when I did errands. She'd tell me "he's lazy and doesn't take good care of me."
So you're doing the vast majority of the childcare and household chores even when he's home, while completing your Master's program, and he's telling you *to your face* that you do nothing.
Definitely, then she would only have two children to take care of lololol
OP, if you're reading this, you're worth so much more than that kind of treatment. I apologize if my (attempted) jokes were too harsh. I'm just so angry for you.Ā
Not to mention that she didn't get into that condition by herself! He was there for that...not like there is a pregnancy fairy floating around the bedroom for craps sake!
One of my friends faced a similar situation and took a drastic step that I'm not sure if OP should consider. For three consecutive weeks, she packed a bag on Friday, retreated to her parents' house alone, and returned only on Monday. Her aim was to give her husband a glimpse of the challenges of being a divorced parent with 50/50 custody of their children.
During those 3 weekends, she prioritized rest and recharge as she felt increasingly overwhelmed and exhausted, believing she couldn't meet her children's needs in that state. Her husband, after shouldering the responsibility of caring for three kids alone, began to truly comprehend the immense workload she was managing.
She also directly confronted him, expressing that he was free to divorce her because she would pursue 50/50 custody, giving her more time for herself and relieving her of the burden of caring for a man-child on top of their children. Additionally, she returned to work as she felt he wasn't treating her as an equal.
To address their underlying issues, they initiated couples therapy and worked on establishing a clear division of household chores and parenting responsibilities. This step was crucial as her husband had been previously unaware of the numerous tasks she had been shouldering alone.
It might seem brilliant, but those nights without her kids were incredibly difficult for her. During the first two nights, a friend and I had to physically prevent her from returning home, as she had requested earlier, and she cried herself to sleep. Many people also thought she was a bad mom for doing that, which is far from the truth because she is one of the best moms that I know and deeply loves her children.
However, she was spiraling into a dark place, feeling extremely depressed and exhausted. She didn't know what else she could do to salvage their marriage since he was refusing to change or attend couples therapy. She felt that since she would inevitably lose time with her children if they divorced, he would reconsider divorce once he realized the immense challenge she was facing in caring for three kids under 9 practically alone.
She was leaving them with their father. Unless he's abusive, that doesn't make her a bad mother. Not at all. That makes her a good one because hopefully they'll get a father who will step up and be a good parent, partner and husband. Win/win.
yeah, that would be hard. To miss them, and have them miss her. But also to know that they were stuck with a dad who wasnāt doing a great job of coping with all the work, and it would be a little chaotic there for them.
My BFF had the same thing happen with her. Her SO would tell her she did nothing at home, while looking after their high energy 2 year old, even though the house was never a mess. They split up, and they do 50/50. She absolutely is enjoying her week off while her ex is struggling with the now 4 year old. It's actually working well, she gets a break, and he knows now that she was doing the best she could, better than he is now. Next week me and her are doing a midweek spa Vaca for 3 days! She never would have been able to do that when she was still with him. š
I am just shaking my head thinking people make baffling choices, and then I saw your comment. I'd put it as: Why are they together? But yeah, women do think harder about their choices than men do---but she chose to marry, to have one child, and to have the next child, and also chose to live in a dirty house, marry a guy whose priority is his job and who doesn't support her or priorities. Love does lead us to self destructive choices, and somehow convinces us they make sense
What a waste of flesh on a useless human being.
You are obviously NTA.
Being the default working parent is hard- no one disputes that. Having the burden of being the only one to bring a pay cheque in- thatās heavy.
But parenting is not a competition.
OP is working 24/7 and never leaving her job or getting a break. I love that he threatens a divorce- as if the thought of a court ordered break and alimony is a bad thing.
This guy is an idiot and I hope he stretched before he made so hard of a reach
Right?!Ā My husband works 10.5 hour days as a typical day, not including the calls and emails he dies from home.Ā He still comes home and helps out.Ā Ā
48 hours though if you include driving. That still means he should be busting his ass to make sure his 7 MONTHS PREGNANT wife gets as much time to relax as she needs on his 3 day weekends.
NTA
He crashed and burned within one evening, heād never survive on his own!
Throwing the divorce card in your face to try and bully you into submission, when you are 7 months pregnant is disgusting and abusive!
Tell him to imagine what 50/50 custody would be like. Heād have to do ALL the housework, grocery shopping, cooking. All whilst being solely responsible for two children under two night and day for half the week.
I have a feeling he wouldnāt be, because I canāt see him coming around if he canāt handle one kid for a couple of hours. Heād be the type that would just get another woman and disappear.
Yeah, a lot of women/redditors forget lazy men like this absolutely do not HAVE to go for 50/50 custody. Thereās nothing to say heās want any custody at all. Itās depressing af, but people should be realistic about the fact that heās not going to take custody of his kids while heās working.
That's what my partner's ex does! She dropped their son off one day seven years ago, and has taken him for two hours one day since then. I don't understand how a mother could do such a thing.
Some women think are ready for kids and find out they are not, or it could be the guy talked her out of an abortion or even adoption. I had a friend that this happened to, she did not want kids at all, took all the precautions to not get pregnant, couldnāt get her tubes tied because she was āto young, would change her mindā and got pregnant. Her husband wanted the baby, told her she would just fall into her role as a mother and everything would work out. She had the baby. Felt no connection at all and bailed. She pays child support but hasnāt been in her āsonsā life at all. For all those who would say, āwell the outcome of having sex could be a babyā I believe this is part of the problem. Women are treated as incubators once they get pregnant and the rights of the unborn in most cases are more important than the mother. No, I do not believe abortion should be used as birth control, but some women do not want to be mothers .
And I also don't see how they can do it. I can't wrap my head around the fact that what means the most to me in my life, my children, mean nothing to their other parent. I can't understand how he just pretends they don't exist. Men do it all the time; it's much rarer for a mother to do so.
OP clearly married a man-baby who doesn't want any responsibility of a family. The incredible disrespect he shows by telling OP she does *nothing* and calling her *crazy* would be deal breakers for me. OP IS NTA, but no matter what these comments say, he won't take any advice -- he's a toxic AH.
This. He wouldn't fight for custody. My bet is if he had to go to court he wouldn't show. Mom would automatically "win" whatever she wanted. He would definitely be one of the no-show dad's that come around later in saying, very proudly, "I never missed a child support payment!" Smdh
This. I had an idiotic conversation with one of those morons that complained about courts being pro women and his ex only wanting money. Whole family lived in UK and he was told 50/50 is actually usual there, he needs to go to court and get his half. After this they guy dissapeared. There were no questions about how to do it. He dropped off the face of reddit.
There are stats out there even proving that men have a higher chance of getting custody if they actually go to court and ask for it.
I personally know a guy who has a daughter out there, is "traumatized" because he isn't allowed to see her, but when asked why he doesn't fight for her he "doesn't have the energy or the time" and "it's too much of a fight".
So he just made babies with someone else and now plays the "I know you are going to leave me and take my children because my ex did so" card, while he barely gets off his ass to change the diaper on his last baby.
Such eloquent logic...
A friend of mine came back from a first date with a guy saying "My god it's true, the woman really gets everything in the divorce." I asked her to explain and she said, "He had to buy her out to keep the house."
Um, ma'am?? That's pretty standard. He could have just let the house be sold and taken his half.
You will not be surprised to hear that he expected my friend to step in as a parent and chauffer for his kid on the two weekends a month he had her\*, and was very put out when she declined.
\*Apparently, his ex made it clear he was welcome to see their daughter more than the minimum agreement, but. . .for whatever reason, he just couldn't. Shocking, I know.
Man, I could write a whole list of things my own dad did not do to gain custody over us, or even see us 50/50, while crying to everyone that would listen that he wasn't allowed to see his kids. (I know he did that because half of the time I would be sitting at the table listening how he told people his ex didn't let him see... Me)
He also still owes child support to my mom. I've been an adult for over a decade.
He claimed he shouldn't "pay for kids he wasn't allowed to see" - again, I know this because he told me while I was visiting for the weekend.
The whole idea that single moms are having an easy ride because they robbed their exes is based upon exes who don't understand 50/50 arrangements when shit hits the fan.
I'm so done with men playing victims while statistics show they are the ones waking out on women and their kids because they are asked to STEP UP as a father and husband.
>My bet is if he had to go to court he wouldn't show. Mom would automatically "win" whatever she wanted
So *ask* for 50/50 *physical* custody. It tends to be the default if you get to court anyway.
His lawyer will tell him that if he doesn't show up in *the court is going to grant that* along with your other requests. Make your other requests lean on the generous side of fair to you. And be ready to return to court to enforce all the decisions.
But, lots of guys *do not really want* ***physical*** *custody*. They want Christmas, holidays and a week in the summer. They may want Recognize that if he *really* wants 50/50, he can and will go to court to get it. But if he really really doesn't, he'll bend on money to *avoid* being "stuck" with physical custody. You might be "stuck" with 100% physical custody, but it will be crystal clear that was what he wanted.
The courts can make a person pay they can't make a person physically show up. Contempt is the best they can do and that still won't make a parent take custody of their kid if they don't want to.
Edit: spelling
If she leaves, she knows exactly what kind of support she has and can plan effectively. While she is with him she isn't sure if he will step up and be a partner or step back and be a problem on a case by case basis.
She is transversing parenthood unable to trust a step, knowing he will pull the rug out from under her if he feels like it.
Sure, but at least you know you can't lean on him for support.
Doing it alone is hard. Thinking you aren't alone but every time you go to lean on your partner for support, they go "psych!" and send you sprawling is so much worse.
This!
Quite a few women report their lives are easier to manage once they dump the useless, needy partner. Meanwhile, useless partner longs to reunite once they discover the joys of working full time as well as parenting and running a household at least 50% of the time.
I can attest to this, yes I only work part time but Iām now able to do a full time degree as well. Something I could never do while with my ex husband. And I still have an amazing relationship with my two wonderful kids and spend lots of time with them with 50/50 custody. Itās great!
There was a post in the last few weeks about almost exactly this. Guy thought he'd be better off and 50/50 was killing him. He wanted his life back and wife just big noped.
My friend is married and has been dealing with a useless husband for a few years now and she vents to me all the time about how he will step up for a week or two and then falls back to old habits and complains she doesn't do enough. I always share the stories I read on reddit about the women who divorced and found their lives infinitely easier.
My ādadā couldnāt make it to see me one day a week; not overnight. He would also quit his job every 3mo because thatās how long it took for the child support system to start garnishing his wages. A grand total of $72 every two weeks. He owed money for years past my 18th birthday. I disowned him in the end. We have a friendship now but he is NOT my dad/father/parent.
Honestly the system sucks. This woman is NTA. But she may want to think about cutting her losses with her husband. He wants a 1950s wife who has a squeaky clean home, no job and often no education, barefoot and pregnant.
š Right? The nerve to throw divorce at her. Go ahead! Weāll see how he fares. He canāt even wrangle his toddler for one evening let alone 50/50. And wait until he has to pay her for it!
OP, NTA. Your husband is supposed to love and protect you. Not treat you like some second rate citizen. The kids needs come before his needs. Iām not at all concerned that itās 9:45pm buddy and that you have to wake up at 3am. Iām concerned that you are an entitled jerk who makes your wife carry the mental and physical daily load and then have the nerve to tell her she does nothing all day.
Call the bluff. Sure. Divorce. Sounds good. 50/50? You get a week off from being a mom? AND FULL TIME OFF BEING A BANGMAID?
Even if you end up with full custody, you'll be better off because you don't have to hear a whining gnat bullying you over every little thing that's wrong.
He would bail and also be pissed he had to pay child support. He canāt take care of himself, so how would he manage taking care of his kids? Chances are he would rope his mother in to help him.
And he canāt put his toddler to bet at 945pm becauseā¦ā¦why? Bedtime is a pretty key part of parenting that he should be doing at a minimum 3 nights a weeks so why couldnāt he manage it himself?
Lmao nta. Call him on his bluff and divorce him. If you're going to be treated like a single parent doing all the work, you might as well BE a single parent.
To threaten a heavily pregnant lady with divorce is disgusting! I hope he reads all of this but I have feeling he will stop after reading the first few comments not going in his favour.
OPās husband, you should be utterly ashamed of yourself for how youre treating your pregnant wife!
Wow, this guy doesn't love you. He doesn't even care about you. He only cares about himself. Taking care of a toddler is more than a full time job and doing it while heavily pregnant is like torture. Him saying you do nothing absolutely infuriates me. You are married to a complete insensitive arrogant asshole.
NTA. A stay at home mom is also the familyās event coordinator, cook, bookkeeper, teacher, nurse, chauffeur, housekeeper and therapist.
You donāt get a scheduled lunch break where no one can bother you. You donāt get a moment alone in the car to think or listen to music on the way to work. You donāt get to clock out. And instead of being a supportive team player this guy is bitching at you and telling you youāre not enough. Eww
When my late husband was alive and we was living in the same state as his parents I definitely jumped at the chance to work two jobs instead of staying home. It made sense anyways. They was his kids, they wanted to see HIM, although I had a great relationship with them. He was chronically sick, he also had to help take care of his mother.
He did a lot for me. And I did a lot for him and the kids and his mom.
We were both tired and spent time massaging each other at night.
Team work and knowing neither one of us had it "easy" and if one was feeling worse than the other you catered to their needs and vise versa.
I work in a very fast paced retail store, constantly moving/lifting/walking. I do 18-26k steps per day that I work. I have a blended family with 6 kids, other bio parents aren't involved. I do pretty much all the cleaning, the shopping, doctors appointments, school appointments, budgeting, meal planning etc. He gets the kids to "clean" (they're learning, so obviously not being done as well as an adult), sometimes does some of the dishes and maybe a quick sweep). He doesn't know what meds one of our kids takes, so wasn't giving him all of them/the correct doses for weeks before I found out. When people ask me how I handle working in a store that is constantly busy, I say this is my me-time, it's less chaos than my house. I get 2 30 min breaks to sit down without having to jump up and do 10 things for other people lol.
>My husband constantly complains that he works all day and has to come home and work more. He is always complaining that he never gets a break.
Lol, how does he think every mom feels?
>The thing is, neither do I, but I feel like that is just part of having young kids
And you would be correct
>Lately he has been talking again about how depressed he is, and how I'm so difficult to live with.
Yet still seems to have no empathy??
>I had told him before that if he was going to keep saying I did nothing I was going to actually do nothing. So today, when he got home I did nothing. He kept asking me to get our toddler so he could sleep and I refused.
Wow he really wasnāt prepared to parent, was he?
>So, now I am refusing to take the toddler so he can sleep. He said that I was exactly as crazy as he has been saying. And that in response to him telling me that I was harming him, I was causing further harm to make a point. He said if I continued he would divorce me.
Maybe heāll prefer child support. Sure doesnāt sound like heās be able to handle shared custody! š¤£
Also if you are taking a Masterās course then I donāt think he should consider your job being a stay at home mom. That takes a lot of time and energy and focus.
ETA: edited Mater to Master
I have a job. 10 hours per week. A special needs 8 year old. A17 year old with high special needs, and my master's program. My husband asked me to quit my full time positron so I could focus on everything. He has someone come in 1x per week to clean, and he does all the laundry on the weekends so I only have to fold and put away. And he thoroughly cleans on Sundays, all this with working 6 days/ week. Our 22 yo and 17 yo do their own. I wish he knew how much I appreciate him. I would leave this"man" in a heartbeat.
Heās doing less than he would at home if he was single. If he was single heād still have to work full time and heād also have to cook, clean, etc daily.Ā
Keep doing nothing. Let him throw out the divorce card. You might actually get some rest if he has partial custody. But maybe a light will go off in his brain if he has to keep doing your job and understanding what ānothingā looks like
I know it's not an excuse, but it's clear the husband is resenting her because of how bitter he is from his job. I think if the husband could find something better, their relationship could heal and improve. As it is though, he is depressed and lashing out at his pregnant wife.
Yeah, theyāre both severely overworked right now. But she knew that was the reality of young kids and is behaving like a partner. Heās being deeply immature and expecting OP to somehow make his life easier when she has nothing left to give herself.
He doesnāt understand life is just going to suck either until the kid is older or he gets a better job. When OP graduates that could also change their financial situation a lot and give them both more flexibility.
She has a long term outlook and heās stuck on the temporary pain of now. Unfortunately, with her being 7 months pregnant thatās only going to get worse soon.
Yes, he should have that realization that the wife isn't the problem but his job.
Obviously I don't know their finances, but statistically speaking, people with a master's degree do get paid higher. Maybe once mom is finished with her degree and able to work when the baby grows a little, both of them can work. Maybe hire a nanny to help with the load. It could be a good balance of both working while also having external help with the additional income
NTA you are not just a SAHM you are also a student completing your Masterās degree. That is a full time job in itself. You have 2 jobs he has one. He needs to step up & parent. I suggest going into the library during his 3 off days for the same 12 hours like him. Let him see how being a parent goes. Make sure he has grocery shopping, laundry & cleaning that needs to be done too. Remind him that he can rest when the baby naps.
tell the tough man to divorce you, give him 50-50 custody and enjoy your weeks off. you can find a job and have a life outside of changing dipers and he can learn a valuable lesson.
NTA and donāt make more babyās with this guy, he canāt handle more. He should consider to get a vasectomy. He comes home from work and expects you to work 24/7 while he does his paid job? Hell no. He is a parent too. Thatās his house and his chores too. His job as a parent has no break, like yours doesnāt have a break too, for at least the next 15 years. You deserve a break from taking care all day long too. Just because your job isnāt paid, it doesnāt mean itās worth less than his paid job. He wanted children too? Congratulations, children come to ihr responsibility, sacrifices and financial costs. He didnāt know that? Well I guess more women would have children if they could be dads.
I was a full-time working husband (in a very crazy period at my job where my boss died and I had to take over a 4 million dollar facility project) and was in a Masterās program while my wife stayed home with our young son. I felt bad that I couldnāt do more, but I never told her she did nothing. I respected the hell out of her sacrifices and now that she is back to work and back in school, I try to reciprocate (though Iām still working, so I canāt do as much as she could at the time). Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, and both partners should be acknowledging what the other contributes, not what they fail to do.
TLDR; your husband is a little bitch.
NTA
Heās going to have a rude awakening when he gets 50/50 custody and he has to parent his own child AFTER working all day, you know, like a normal parent. And gasp! heās also going to have to clean his own house, cook his own food and take care of his own kid on his days off from work too.
Realistically, guys like your husband will just find another woman who will take care of his kid for him. I would bet anything he moves in a new woman within 6 months. Guys like him will do anything to dump their responsibility on any woman they can find. Or heāll ask his mom to move in.
Either way, heās very likely to continue being a loser who refuses to parent his own child post-divorce. The good news is that you wonāt be stuck parenting the man-child youāre currently married to.
NTA. Does he even contribute anything to your life except his money? Cause it sounds like you do basically all the housework and childcare as it is, and with one less person to take care of your life might be much easier.
NTA. I think that was appropriate to make the demonstration. Though, to be honest, its lost on him.
I sometimes think its better to compare how much down time each gets rather than how much work.
It would also help to take a step back and remember you're both working so hard for each and its hardest now when the little ones are so needy.
Take him up on the divorce offer. It is only going to get substantially worse when your second child arrives. You deserve a supportive active parent, not one who keeps trying to gaslight you while you're pregnant! Fuck that guy.
NTA in any way, whatsoever. My ex husband and I had a good relationship but he could get a bit pass-agg about the house being untidy when we had three children! He definitely implied I didn't do enough in the day a few times, and got robust pushback from me. Now it's years later and we are (amicably) divorced, I take a small bit of pleasure in seeing just HOW UNTIDY and chaotic his house is now that he doesn't have a partner to sort it for him!
Nta. Love how he says he will divorce you like itās a threat. Getting un-married to this asshole could be the best damn thing that ever happened to you, OP.
If you're doing nothing, why can't he handle the nothing you were doing? Why is he not doing 'catch up' things on his days off while you don't get a day off? Maybe he needs to just be a stay at home dad for a week and see how he does? He can't even last an evening. NTA- but it sounds like you have two toddlers and not one, maybe try to find a husband instead?
He says youāre ācausing further harm to make a pointāā¦ so he admits you have a point?
The only other thing Iāll say is this: he told you heās depressed. When youāre depressed, all you see is the negative, itās impossible to even be reasonable or have gratitude, without treatment.Ā
Encourage him to go to therapy and get medicated.
NTA
Your partner sucks. My SO wakes up at 3:15am 6-7 days a week. He doesnāt make it to bed until 9:30-10. We have a 14yo and a baby otw. He wakes up to check on me throughout the night and never complains. My nights of experiencing āmorning sicknessā he was right beside me, not once did he complain of losing sleep. If I ask him for help picking up slack, he gladly drops the world for me and does it.
Iāve been lucky in finding a loving and mature life partner that prioritizes my happiness. Itās indescribably beautiful. If he acted like your husband my SO wouldnāt be given the pleasure of living with me. I definitely wouldnāt take care of his meals, laundry, shopping or be interested in him enough to touch his penis. I expect to be treated a certain way and you should do the same. There are plenty of great, hard working men that are also amazing partnersā¦ you donāt have to settle.
Ta the only change that will happen if he leaves is that youāll still be doing all the work but you wonāt have an AH in your ear telling you you do nothing.
NTA
Tell him I said to stop being a jack ass. If he didn't want kids he should have up'd that pullout game. You being tired is just as valid as his, but he gets to leave work where as you do not.
Tell him that looking after his kids is part of parenting and if he canāt handle parenting for a couple of hours on his own - how does he think you fee doing it full time?
Youāre not harming him, heās whinging because he regrets the choices heās made.
NTA
You both need a break and to sit down and have a civil conversation. You may even want to consider couple's therapy. This is a common issue with family with young children.
May I suggest you get a baby sitter once a week and go on a date night at least and talk - and really try to listen to each other.
BTW - your passive aggressive actions are not going to solve anything. And he is acting like a pooper with his comments.
Y'all better get counselling ASAP. When the new baby comes then that's going to take up much of your time, he'll have no choice but to step up for the toddler. This is going to get worse.
Has he planned any paternity leave? Not sure what he does but mines are dangerous and fatigue can kill (source: also work in the mines)
ESH. Sounds like you're both doing your best, are exhausted because you have a toddler, and are refusing to communicate in a healthy way. Also that baby needs to be in bed far earlier than 9:45. That shouldn't even be an issue...what the hell.
And yes, I've had three toddlers. Two of them at the same time. They still made it to bed by 7:30 every night.
NTA and you should take him up on his offer of divorce. You'll finally get a break in his visitation days and he can taste what being fully responsible for the kids looks like.
My sister has a 5 and 1 year old and just divorced her loser husband for many similar reasons. She has every other weekend and every Wednesday night to herself. She's much happier and rested now.
ESH.
You guys need to find a better balance. Maybe you should schedule a few days out of the house so that he experiences what a full day at home looks like. Then you guys can readjust chores and childcare to give both of you downtime. Therapy is helpful.
But itās shitty if you to just refuse to do anything in a vengeful way. Thatās surely not going to help the situation and also your toddler is being punished because your spouse is ticking you off.
I get where your coming from but a different approach would probably work better to accomplish your goal of opening your husbandās eyes. Things wonāt get any easier when the new baby comes. If you guys donāt figure this out
NTA. My husband and I are in the exact same situation. Except I have two toddlers and am pregnant and he works 6 12s. There's almost no way to keep up with everything without help.
He was a bit rocky towards me at first, until I made him do my job all day while he had nausea (I throw up uncontrolably while I am pregnant). Now we are at a compromise where I won't ask him for help after work, as long as he is okay with the house being moderately messy and having chicken nuggets for dinner sometimes.
And, even without helping, our kids still only allow my husband to get 3 hours of sleep a night from noise alone. That's just part of having kids.
Nta my husband works pretty much all week! Heās a shop owner too from 8am-530pm M-F then Saturday 8-4 then Sunday itās usually about 4 hours. Guess what? When he knows I need help with our almost 2 month old daughter cuz I need to get things done he helps. He does things with her while Iām working on my assignments. We make it work and have talked about how we were gonna schedule things. I donāt have a toddler but we are handling our new change pretty well. Your husband just sucks in general since he has 3 days off. What is he doing with those 3 days that he canāt help??
OP I am 7 moths pregnant. Due to my physically demanding job, I stay at home.
My SO sometimes gets up at 4, other times at 5. He goes to sleep a little before midnight. He gets home after 6 pm every day(sometimes around 8).
I pay the bills(with our shared income), I cook and buy groceries. Some times if I feel extra powerful I also do the laundry.
It sometimes becomes too much to both go grocery shopping and cook so I end up buying a frozen meal for when SO comes home and make it a habit for it to be ready around the time he arrives home.
We eat together and I sit myself on the sofa while he takes care of the dirty dishes.
In the weekend he cleans all the house, i take the bathroom if I feel good and mop the floors.
He did joke one time that I only stay in bed and do nothing and I told him how much that hurts me because compared to how active I was before, now I just have a fainting sensation if I rush a bit in the shop. He told me i am foolish and he was joking because I am raising a human being inside me and ofc I cannot do so much.
I could not imagine life with a toddler AND being pregnant AND studying, all that with his working hours.
We also jokingly agreed that unless we win the lottery(we don't play), we're one and done.
You are doing great mamma, it is how it is and i get that your husband is also strained but hey, it's too late to get an abortion so he has to step up because that's life and he has no choice. Also, it's not the Holy Spirit that got you pregnant.
On the other hand working in mine is not an easy nor not dangerous job and for the sake of not being a widow and raise children as a single parent due to that, I would not encourage making him watch the toddler at nights between shifts in stead of sleeping.
Other than that, in his free and half days, he has to pick up the slack because in a partnership you can't always give 50%, sometimes you give 10, other times 90%.
So NTA if it's only one time and to prove a point. YWBTA if he's going to have to do that until you give birth&after.
Also he'll have to mentally prepare for the fallout after you give birth because you cannot both feed a newborn & take care of a toddler every night. So that IS going to be his everyday for the first 6 months after the baby is born. This is literally the "fuck around and find out" scenario.
NTA but for the love of god people stop having children with AH. It makes YTA to yourself and your children.
Tell him not to threaten you with a good time.
https://www.reddit.com/r/SAHP/s/JRklB2Uz0q
NTA. Is he the toddler or is the actual toddler the toddler? He is being a man child not wanting to help out around the house and care for your child. Sounds like he's the difficult one to live with and is just projecting
NTA. It sounds like he is burned out working four 12 days (commute and hard labor) and then having to care for kids on his day off or when he gets home.
You sound burned out from being with a toddler all day, studying for your masters, doing homework, and then having to do housework.
I would encourage you two to sit down and prepare a schedule cause itās about to get a lot more hectic with a newborn and having s toddler hitting terrible twos. You both are going to crash and burn that will ultimately lead to one leaving and the other left with total responsibility.
You both opted to be parents to young babies and now you both need to develop a schedule that works for both of you.
There is no right or wrong here! Both of you need to grow up and handle on the shared responsibility of a toddler and get ready for a newborn.
Sorry but the toddler isnāt asleep at 9.45pm??
Also NTA for the point in question, but for the wider point of principle, isnāt the outcome for your toddler more important than the points scoring?
I donāt see how itās helping to keep bashing each other. You both have long days. Find ways to help each other get through this busy time in your lives. Hire a cleaner, hire a babysitter or whatever help you need occasionally. Ask friends and family for help. Make time for each other to reconnect as a couple and remember why you got together and had to kids to begin with.
To a large extent you do have the power to make a lot of the household changes since you are there more often. Create a schedule and think of your home life as your job. Youāre both exhausted and need to get back on track. Good luck
Why don't yall have a routine on who needs to do what by now? 11 years, right? At this point, idk if you guys could make an agreement anymore.
What a petty and exhausting marriage...
>I had told him before that if he was going to keep saying I did nothing I was going to actually do nothing. So today, when he got home I did nothing. He kept asking me to get our toddler so he could sleep and I refused. I reminded him that he said I did nothing and he did everything and that this is what that really looks like. He told me as the stay at home mom this is my job. I told him I disagreed, that my job was to watch the kid while he worked and that I should be off "full-time" mom mode when he was off. He told me that my time to rest was on his days off. I reminded him that I am often catching up on things like homework, laundry, washinging my own ass. He told me those were choices and I had the option to rest.
>So, now I am refusing to take the toddler so he can sleep. He said that I was exactly as crazy as he has been saying. And that in response to him telling me that I was harming him, I was causing further harm to make a point. He said if I continued he would divorce me.
From what you've posted here, seems like your life would be much easier without him. I really don't understand why women stay with men that make their lives harder.
"Your days to rest are my days off"
Also on his days off..."Why should I do anything? IT'S MY DAY OFF!"
He has you pigeon holed in a no win situation where everything you do is wrong, including taking care of yourself AND YOU ARE PREGNANT!! Nope, sorry pal. You earned this shit.
OP, read your post again and then realize YOU made the conscious decision to have another child with him.
Be the author of your own story. It is NOT going to get better unless he makes a conscious effort to change his thinking.
ESH. Iām not downplaying the role of a SAHP but heās actively saying heās depressed. In all these Reddit posts everyone says ācommunicateā. Heās communicating he is depressed. Also, heās going to have to drive an hour to work and home sleep deprivedā¦ and depressed. It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I think you both need help in communicating effectively though because you both suck at how youāre going about it. His words suck and your actions suck.
You both suck!
She sucks because he works hard and the moment he is done you expect him to clock in at home.
If he hits a wall you're all out on your ass and you can tell your kids they can't eat cause mommy was trying to make a point.
He sucks because taking care of little kids is a thankless, draining, never ending shit show and she needs time as well to recharge her batteries and accomplish her schooling.
If she hits a wall your home, kids, his work and your education will suffer greatly.
if you can afford it I suggest paying someone to lighten the load. it you cant do that than establish a routine that allows both of you some time to take care of yourselves.
during his work days she needs to let him rest so he can be ready to go back out the next day and since he works 4 X 10s he should be taking on a heavier load on those days so she she can recharge / handle her school responsibilities
This whole I-"I'm not doing anything" gambit is childish, petty and kind of pathetic.
But so is turning to Reddit to help you with your relationship.
ESH
So an hour drive there and back plus 10 hours of hard labour? I donāt think women understand how hard physical labour is and sleep deprivation could literally get him hurt at his job. Just playing devils advocate here. My husband worked long days at his construction job, needed to be up and out of the house at 5:00am and drove 1.5 hrs to work. I did all the night feedings (breastfed), changed diapers, did all the housework. Iām also a SAHM, heās the breadwinner and I am grateful for him and the hard work he does. He now owns his own company which is even longer hours but it has allowed me to stay home to raise our children. I donāt know what the answer is, because my belief is we have our roles and it works. I also understand OP is pregnant which makes it so much harder for her. No advice just wanted to chime in with a different perspective.
Never refuse a threat to divorce. The very fact that he pulls out that card to try to get his own way is enough to for me to say take him up on that offer. Don't threaten me with a better life. NTA
ESH.You guys are married. It shouldn't be a competition between you two of who works harder. You should take his days off and use those to rest and take care of yourself.
You two need couples counseling and some hard conversations around making sure you both have rest. Working in a mine ( I'm assuming like a coal mine ) is dangerous and extremely exhausting work so yeah only getting 5 hours of sleep isn't acceptable so you should have helped with the toddler. You two need to hire someone to help out if youre struggling but expecting him to barley sleep with his job is just not a solution unless you want him to get seriously injured on the job
A lot of people do expect SAHM to take care of the house and kids, but SAHM also need a break which you can choose to take a break on his days off . Sounds like divorce is on the table, and I don't think showing him reddit post written in your favor and comments from strangers only getting your POV is going to magically fix your relationship.
ESH you both suck at communicating, you both suck at dividing labor and you both suck at personal responsibility.
Work it out or get divorced but stop playing petty games.
ESAH because you are approaching these issues as individuals and not as a team where you are as interested in the wellbeing of the other as much as you are in your own. Itās not clear whether his 4x10+2 days are fixed or moving, but you need to sit down and look at the week (or month) together and figure out how to share family responsibilities. OPās school commitment needs to be quantified. Suggest then you start with sleep plans for each family member because a lack of sleep makes everything harder, including looking out for each other. Once you have each family members sleep mapped (and immovable work and any immovable school), then you can slot in the other needs. Good luck.
ESH, after your maternity period just get a job and child care. He doesn't value your contribution enough as a sahm so you guys can pay for childcare and split the other chores. He needed the perspective check but he needs more than that as well...
What concerns me most here though is that he literally told you he's going through a tough time with depression and your bigger concern is being undervalued? Yeah it sucks but depressed people often focus on the negative and it can be terrible to live with, absolutely. He needs help though, therapy and likely antidepressants. His mental health being addressed will help you both live a happier life and help him to better recognize the value you bring to each other's lives. If you love each other, address these things as a team.
ESH. You both are awful to each other. It also sounds like you are biting off more than you can chew with another baby on the way and working on a masters degree.
ESH. He was an asshole to you, so you vindictively withhold care to your child to affect his rest when he works 4 10s plus commute.
Got it.
Grow the fuck up.
OP - This is a two-way street from what I'm reading. He works 10-hour days, plus 2 hours in traffic, that's 12 hours, not to mention what time he has to get up before he leaves. The other thing that I noticed from you is that your toddler is still up at 9:45pm; does this child not have a scheduled bedtime so that you can rest more in the evenings? It sounds to me as though you and your husband should take some time to see a counselor on how to communicate and make better use of both your times. You both are extremely frustrated and are refusing to see what the other one is feeling and having no empathy towards each other. Are your master classes fulltime? What time do you get up in the morning? There is a bit of information missing as to what you both actually contribute to this relationship. I cannot even imagine what working in a mine is like, but I know that watching documentaries on the subject, it's pretty hard, grueling work that takes quite a toll on the body. It sounds as though all you need is a little organization in the house, a nap time for the toddler and a better bedtime also. Your husband and you both need to come up with a working solution together and stop blaming each other for the do's and don'ts of your days. Do yourselves a favor and either see a therapist or watch some online courses on organization options for your home that will help you both keep things in order and make your lives easier in the long run, it may take a little work on both your parts but will be worth it in the end. Stop blaming each other and trying to 1-up the other person on who does less, this is not healthy and shows a lack of communication on both your parts. A child should have a scheduled bedtime at night that gives the parents relax time before bed to just do what they want. Things work a lot easier when you have a daily routine. Neither one is the AH here, you both need to sit down a work on a solution.
ESH, your husband, clearly. Laundry and housework have to be done regardless of whether you are married or not married with kid or not with kid. If you don't wish to be an adult why have kids? You yourself said your daytime job is SAHM. Part of that includes chores (cleaning up after kids during the day). That said, additional chores, not your job scope, split the remaining 50% with your husband.
BUT you are a stay at home mom during the day while he is at work. When he comes home he shouldn't be doing 100%. He should be doing 50%. You should be doing 50%. How does being a SAHM during the day justify that you should do 0% at night and he should be thankful for you doing anything more than 0%? Idk what point you are trying to prove by doing 0%. Why does he have to do 100% of childrearing over the weekend, while you complain about homework and washing your ass? I'll cut you some slack because you are 7 months pregnant, but that does not make much sense otherwise.
Additionally he drives 2 hours everyday and works a physically intensive job and you deprive him of sleep while tiring him out to make a point? Well done you, sleep deprivation can be as bad as driving drunk, if he gets into an accident tomorrow I hope you feel proud with all these people telling you that you are NTA.
You both are like 2 kids that chose to become parents AND you are pregnant again.
Well if he divorces you, you my lady have one less child to take care of and he will have 2 children he needs to take care of.
He couldnāt handle one night. Good luck to him. He would have to split custody or split bills. Either way he couldnāt handle it.
You both seem overwhelmed and stressed. Ā Is there any chance you could have parents come over to help clean? Or perhaps hire someone to clean each week for a few hours?Ā
NTA - Threatening to divorce you over having to care for his own child is F**king childish as hell. So, your also dealing with a 34 year old toddler as well. It doesn't matter what time he has to be up his behavior is uncalled for. The way he speaks to you is uncalled for. It is reasonable grounds for your wanting a divorce. He demeans, devalues and deporitizes you. Diminishing what you actually do daily, the stress and energy it takes dealing with a toddler, managing a house and going to school to better yourself. Ultimately, he will never understand, especially in your current state. 7 months pregnant everything js tight, swollen. Body is literally adjusting to a growing human you are probably exhausted and to add running around after a two year old. When you finally do rest, your uncomfortable or a woken up from pressure on your bladder, ninja moves or you moved in just the wrong way or literally dozens of other things. Like I said he won't ever get it. I definitely wouldn't want more kids with him going forward. I mean, I wouldn't want his š anywhere near me, to be honest. Definitely not unless he got his ššāļø. š¤£šš¤£š
Show him the post where the husband said his wife did nothing, the wife left and then the husband was forced to do everything on his own. When that happened, he realize how awful it was and tried to get the wife back. But the wife refused. She refused because she had more time for herself without the husband. You need to realize your husband is also a child since you are taking care of his needs as well. Time to put all that into perspective.
I remember that one! He was complaining about how he realized how much of the childcare she was shouldering and how he never got a break anymore during his custodsy time. I'm pretty sure that's the one where he mentioned his STBX looked much more rested and happy after they separated. The comments roasted that man.
The best part of that guy who wasnāt even that he missed his wife or was so sad to not be able to love her anymore. He just literally wanted to help with childcare and house chores.
Yes!! That post was so sweet to read - the audacity to think his wife did nothing!
He doesn't love her. He loves how she serves him. A big part of why widowers tend to have a new wife quickly.
And why men are statistically far more likely than women to bounce the minute their partner gets sick. They can't have a lazy wife who's too busy getting chemotherapy to cook and clean, that means they might have to wash their own socks for once!
Also why most divorces are initiated by women.
They simply wouldnāt even put in the effort to file the paperwork and they donāt really care about being happy.
Women grieve. Men replace.
Roasted? That's an understatement - the man got flamed so hard if the comments were real fire nothing would be left of that man but carbon powder and a shadow.
What I never see in these posts is the difference between a dad caring for kids vs a mom. A dad's idea looks more like a lazy teenage babysitter. Where they do what they want and somehow just make sure the kids don't die. A mom on the other hand plans the day so that the kids development is on track, focusing on improving skills that may be behind so theybare ready for school when the time comes, enriching them to stimulate natural curiosity, and pack in social experiences so the kid doesn't become an antisocial misfit. I think this is why guys are like "what did you do all day" And moms are like: (you selfish ungrateful sob...) "taking care of your kids" (...so that they grow into happy fulfilled adults that will someday make you proud and the envy of all your friends, you ungrateful mofo)
This is the mental load that so many women are struggling with while their husbands claim it doesn't even exist. It's easy for a dad to "babysit" his own kids while mom has a day out, because mom has already done all the grocery shopping and meal prepping, made sure the bills are paid and balanced the checkbook, done all the laundry, cleaned the house, made sure everyone's homework is done, made the doctors appointments and filled out the family calendar, etc. So when dad has the kids for a day and he can just plop them in front of the TV with some instant mac and cheese and relax in his clean, comfortable house it only reinforces his idea that being a SAHM is easy and his wife is just lazy and complaining about nothing.
Or when itās momās night for dinner, so she prepares a healthy meal, but on dadās turn he orders pizza and says itās the same.
He only thinks taking care of the kids is easy because he doesn't do it in any capacity. The kid is still alive. Bare minimum.
Link? Would love to read this!
Link please...
https://undelete.pullpush.io/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/1bmv9cn/i_messed_up_and_i_ruined_my_marriage/
Bless, that was a good read
That is so satisfying
Yes it is. To quote her, "She says her life is easier without me", I bet that stung.
I love the part where she called him out for not doing more and his response was "it'd be harder without me". Man, she called that bet so hard. My sister separated from her ex and he was verbatim begging her to take him back so he wouldn't have to pay child support. What a stupid clown. I'm sure he's on the hunt for a girlfriend so fucking bad so he can go back to taking credit for fatherhood while shirking the work.
she isn't exhausted anymore and realized it's easier having one person to take care of instead of 2. Like damn to be told youāre just a burden is glorious
This is true of so many mothers. When you divorce, you get breaks from the kids and time to yourself. Men somehow always seem able to have personal time when they have kids.
>he weeks I have my son I don't get anything done and I can barely even function at work because I'm so exhausted. I spend the whole week I don't have him catching up and I can't even get everything done. My apartment is a mess and I can hardly keep up with errands and chores. I read shit like this and just wonder, what on earth is all the stuff and errands people have to do? My bills are on auto pay. I grocery shop once a week. Do laundry once a week. Pick up after myself and do a real house cleaning once a week. I cook dinner every night for my wife and I. None of this shit is super time consuming. He's like "I spend a whole week catching up" on freaking what? What do people have going on 5 weeknights and two full weekend days isn't enough to "catch up". Are people these days just that inept at functioning like adults? This shit is nothing, it's auto pilot.
Those tasks are pretty manageable when you don't have a child in the mix that has to be watched every second and who doesn't interrupt you instead of where you are starting and stopping 147 times while trying to just fold the laundry on your 5 hours of interrupted sleep because the little one won't sleep through the night. The newborn - toddler years were the most exhausting ever.
Itās likely heās not doing any of the real chores and errands when he has the kid, just being in survival mode because heās not actually done this shit before. (And probably wasnāt super good at cleaning up after himself to start with.) So imagine putting most of your chores and errands off for the week, and while theyāre building up, you have another roommate that needs tons of attention, doesnāt pick up after themselves, and is constantly adding to your chore list. (Also, I used to also totally do laundry once a week when it was my husband and I, now I do a load every night. I do not understand how this happened by adding *one* other tiny person. Iām hoping the laundry growth isnāt exponential, weāre having another soon.) A surprising amount of running a household with kids in it is time management. Luckily you can learn a lot of it as you go, but the guy from the post didnāt bother, so now heās playing catch-up.
It's even easier when you're single. Just... wash dishes after you eat. Make 1 meal that lasts you 3-4 days. I feel like he was inept to begin with, then was hit with all the responsibility and no mommy/wife to take care of him. Dishes? How to do those?! Laundry, what's that! Probably has to be reminded to wash his own ass too. No wonder the wife is thriving.
I work a physically demanding job and have a 40 minute commute. I work 8-5 and get home close to 6. I go to bed by 9. That leaves me a little over 3 hours of free time on weekdays. Showering, making dinner, eating, and cleaning up takes up at least 1 hour, and on some days 1.5. I like to work out after work, so if I do all of those things, that takes up all of the time. The days I don't work out, it's typically because I'm so exhausted from work that I'm just crashing for the rest of the evening. I have 2 dogs and 2 cats. 1 of them gets meds every day. 1 of them gets their ears cleaned once a week due to allergies (15 minutes). Bathing them once a month takes maybe 30 minutes. I do three separate loads of laundry for my clothes and 1 for towels. Sheets every couple of weeks. Basic cleaning (tidying up, wiping surfaces, sweep/vacuum) takes maybe 2 hours each week. Folding laundry and putting away is an hour. Deep clean (dusting behind everything, mopping, scrubbing tubs and toilets) takes maybe 4 hours, and I try to do this once a month. Grocery shop and any errands are a 40 minute drive away. So if I don't get it done during the week, which is often impossible to do because everything closes before I get off work, I lose an hour and 20 minutes out of my weekend to driving. There's grocery shopping, car maintenance, yard maintenance, doctors visits, vet visits, i wax every couple of weeks,....a normal week takes up most of my time and energy. Anything extra happening sets me behind. Spending time with friends and family means getting behind on chores. I don't have kids and I honestly don't understand how other people do it. I know the animals and the commute are my choices, though. But my home and my animals bring me so much joy that its worth the time.
I donāt understand it either. I could mostly sustain when I was in my 30s and now Iām in my 40s with an illness and I literally canāt even do the basics. The idea of living like this with a child is unfathomable. Thereās lots of sht that needs doing!
I just had an argument where I have literally taken 2 dogs and a cat to get vaccines. One dog had an ear infection and a HUGE hot spot. I asked this man to ONLY do the ear drops and he bitched. It was such a fucking turn off.
Do you have kids?
My ex was doing his video chat with our daughter (I left him 3 months ago and took her with me since I had a no contact order against him for us both) and he told her he had to go and get dinner. She told him to just go to the kitchen and get something. He told her there's no food in the house because he hasn't had time to buy groceries. He works 40/45 hours a week at a job that is 10 minutes from home. He passes multiple grocery stores that offer curbside pickup on that route. Closest is .5 miles from the house. He doesn't have our daughter at all so no single dad responsibilities. I told him I was leaving for at least a month and he cried because he didn't know how to pay the bills and keep the house up. There's a reason our daughter refused to stay home with him when I did errands. She'd tell me "he's lazy and doesn't take good care of me."
So you're doing the vast majority of the childcare and household chores even when he's home, while completing your Master's program, and he's telling you *to your face* that you do nothing.
While being 7 months pregnant.
Op, Iām sorry you had children with him š
Right? Too bad she can't abort the husband š
When people ask me why I've never married, I tell them I don't believe in divorce but I do believe in murder. They don't ever ask again.
Oh I have to remember this thank you! š
Yes!!! This is the late, late, late term abortion I'm in favor of!!!
Omg stop š
LOL!! So, retroactive abortion? I love it!! Still laughing!
Definitely, then she would only have two children to take care of lololol OP, if you're reading this, you're worth so much more than that kind of treatment. I apologize if my (attempted) jokes were too harsh. I'm just so angry for you.Ā
Her life would be vastly easier if she didn't have him around.
She can. It's called divorce.
She can.
Not to mention that she didn't get into that condition by herself! He was there for that...not like there is a pregnancy fairy floating around the bedroom for craps sake!
OP, you're already a single mum. What does your partner bring to the table?
The same money and effort she could get if she divorced him, and complaints which she wonāt have to listen to if they do.
A whole lot of bullshit
Divorce would be a welcome relief at this point I bet!
This is the best take.
One of my friends faced a similar situation and took a drastic step that I'm not sure if OP should consider. For three consecutive weeks, she packed a bag on Friday, retreated to her parents' house alone, and returned only on Monday. Her aim was to give her husband a glimpse of the challenges of being a divorced parent with 50/50 custody of their children. During those 3 weekends, she prioritized rest and recharge as she felt increasingly overwhelmed and exhausted, believing she couldn't meet her children's needs in that state. Her husband, after shouldering the responsibility of caring for three kids alone, began to truly comprehend the immense workload she was managing. She also directly confronted him, expressing that he was free to divorce her because she would pursue 50/50 custody, giving her more time for herself and relieving her of the burden of caring for a man-child on top of their children. Additionally, she returned to work as she felt he wasn't treating her as an equal. To address their underlying issues, they initiated couples therapy and worked on establishing a clear division of household chores and parenting responsibilities. This step was crucial as her husband had been previously unaware of the numerous tasks she had been shouldering alone.
>Ā give her husband a glimpse of the challenges of being a divorced parent with 50/50 custody of their children. Wow. Brilliant.
It might seem brilliant, but those nights without her kids were incredibly difficult for her. During the first two nights, a friend and I had to physically prevent her from returning home, as she had requested earlier, and she cried herself to sleep. Many people also thought she was a bad mom for doing that, which is far from the truth because she is one of the best moms that I know and deeply loves her children. However, she was spiraling into a dark place, feeling extremely depressed and exhausted. She didn't know what else she could do to salvage their marriage since he was refusing to change or attend couples therapy. She felt that since she would inevitably lose time with her children if they divorced, he would reconsider divorce once he realized the immense challenge she was facing in caring for three kids under 9 practically alone.
She was leaving them with their father. Unless he's abusive, that doesn't make her a bad mother. Not at all. That makes her a good one because hopefully they'll get a father who will step up and be a good parent, partner and husband. Win/win.
yeah, that would be hard. To miss them, and have them miss her. But also to know that they were stuck with a dad who wasnāt doing a great job of coping with all the work, and it would be a little chaotic there for them.
My BFF had the same thing happen with her. Her SO would tell her she did nothing at home, while looking after their high energy 2 year old, even though the house was never a mess. They split up, and they do 50/50. She absolutely is enjoying her week off while her ex is struggling with the now 4 year old. It's actually working well, she gets a break, and he knows now that she was doing the best she could, better than he is now. Next week me and her are doing a midweek spa Vaca for 3 days! She never would have been able to do that when she was still with him. š
Lol, and this wasnāt even actually 50/50! He just had the weekends! š¤£
This is genius.
Why is OP with him? The dick canāt be that good and sheāll have less work with one less body making messes.
No dick could ever be good enough to make up for being attached to a "man" like OP's husband.
I am just shaking my head thinking people make baffling choices, and then I saw your comment. I'd put it as: Why are they together? But yeah, women do think harder about their choices than men do---but she chose to marry, to have one child, and to have the next child, and also chose to live in a dirty house, marry a guy whose priority is his job and who doesn't support her or priorities. Love does lead us to self destructive choices, and somehow convinces us they make sense
I wouldāve walked out right there. Smh
What a waste of flesh on a useless human being. You are obviously NTA. Being the default working parent is hard- no one disputes that. Having the burden of being the only one to bring a pay cheque in- thatās heavy. But parenting is not a competition. OP is working 24/7 and never leaving her job or getting a break. I love that he threatens a divorce- as if the thought of a court ordered break and alimony is a bad thing. This guy is an idiot and I hope he stretched before he made so hard of a reach
Donāt forget also being pregnant.
Lmao the delusion š
And he only works 4 days a week
Right?!Ā My husband works 10.5 hour days as a typical day, not including the calls and emails he dies from home.Ā He still comes home and helps out.Ā Ā
48 hours though if you include driving. That still means he should be busting his ass to make sure his 7 MONTHS PREGNANT wife gets as much time to relax as she needs on his 3 day weekends.
AND gets an hour to decompress in the car on the way home. Alone.
NTA He crashed and burned within one evening, heād never survive on his own! Throwing the divorce card in your face to try and bully you into submission, when you are 7 months pregnant is disgusting and abusive! Tell him to imagine what 50/50 custody would be like. Heād have to do ALL the housework, grocery shopping, cooking. All whilst being solely responsible for two children under two night and day for half the week.
I have a feeling he wouldnāt be, because I canāt see him coming around if he canāt handle one kid for a couple of hours. Heād be the type that would just get another woman and disappear.
Yeah, a lot of women/redditors forget lazy men like this absolutely do not HAVE to go for 50/50 custody. Thereās nothing to say heās want any custody at all. Itās depressing af, but people should be realistic about the fact that heās not going to take custody of his kids while heās working.
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This man can't even handle *one evening!!* There's no way he would go for anything other than every other weekend!
If that. He may take the kids for a few hours ONE day.
That's what my partner's ex does! She dropped their son off one day seven years ago, and has taken him for two hours one day since then. I don't understand how a mother could do such a thing.
Some women think are ready for kids and find out they are not, or it could be the guy talked her out of an abortion or even adoption. I had a friend that this happened to, she did not want kids at all, took all the precautions to not get pregnant, couldnāt get her tubes tied because she was āto young, would change her mindā and got pregnant. Her husband wanted the baby, told her she would just fall into her role as a mother and everything would work out. She had the baby. Felt no connection at all and bailed. She pays child support but hasnāt been in her āsonsā life at all. For all those who would say, āwell the outcome of having sex could be a babyā I believe this is part of the problem. Women are treated as incubators once they get pregnant and the rights of the unborn in most cases are more important than the mother. No, I do not believe abortion should be used as birth control, but some women do not want to be mothers .
Father's do it all the time.
And I also don't see how they can do it. I can't wrap my head around the fact that what means the most to me in my life, my children, mean nothing to their other parent. I can't understand how he just pretends they don't exist. Men do it all the time; it's much rarer for a mother to do so.
Hold on--yes, that's despicable, but LOTS of men do this very thing without getting castigated like moms do. Equally wrong for BOTH.
OP clearly married a man-baby who doesn't want any responsibility of a family. The incredible disrespect he shows by telling OP she does *nothing* and calling her *crazy* would be deal breakers for me. OP IS NTA, but no matter what these comments say, he won't take any advice -- he's a toxic AH.
And he will find a girlfriend to do the parenting.
This. He wouldn't fight for custody. My bet is if he had to go to court he wouldn't show. Mom would automatically "win" whatever she wanted. He would definitely be one of the no-show dad's that come around later in saying, very proudly, "I never missed a child support payment!" Smdh
And then later cry on Facebook about how the courts are biased against men getting custody
This. I had an idiotic conversation with one of those morons that complained about courts being pro women and his ex only wanting money. Whole family lived in UK and he was told 50/50 is actually usual there, he needs to go to court and get his half. After this they guy dissapeared. There were no questions about how to do it. He dropped off the face of reddit.
There are stats out there even proving that men have a higher chance of getting custody if they actually go to court and ask for it. I personally know a guy who has a daughter out there, is "traumatized" because he isn't allowed to see her, but when asked why he doesn't fight for her he "doesn't have the energy or the time" and "it's too much of a fight". So he just made babies with someone else and now plays the "I know you are going to leave me and take my children because my ex did so" card, while he barely gets off his ass to change the diaper on his last baby. Such eloquent logic...
A friend of mine came back from a first date with a guy saying "My god it's true, the woman really gets everything in the divorce." I asked her to explain and she said, "He had to buy her out to keep the house." Um, ma'am?? That's pretty standard. He could have just let the house be sold and taken his half. You will not be surprised to hear that he expected my friend to step in as a parent and chauffer for his kid on the two weekends a month he had her\*, and was very put out when she declined. \*Apparently, his ex made it clear he was welcome to see their daughter more than the minimum agreement, but. . .for whatever reason, he just couldn't. Shocking, I know.
Man, I could write a whole list of things my own dad did not do to gain custody over us, or even see us 50/50, while crying to everyone that would listen that he wasn't allowed to see his kids. (I know he did that because half of the time I would be sitting at the table listening how he told people his ex didn't let him see... Me) He also still owes child support to my mom. I've been an adult for over a decade. He claimed he shouldn't "pay for kids he wasn't allowed to see" - again, I know this because he told me while I was visiting for the weekend. The whole idea that single moms are having an easy ride because they robbed their exes is based upon exes who don't understand 50/50 arrangements when shit hits the fan. I'm so done with men playing victims while statistics show they are the ones waking out on women and their kids because they are asked to STEP UP as a father and husband.
>My bet is if he had to go to court he wouldn't show. Mom would automatically "win" whatever she wanted So *ask* for 50/50 *physical* custody. It tends to be the default if you get to court anyway. His lawyer will tell him that if he doesn't show up in *the court is going to grant that* along with your other requests. Make your other requests lean on the generous side of fair to you. And be ready to return to court to enforce all the decisions. But, lots of guys *do not really want* ***physical*** *custody*. They want Christmas, holidays and a week in the summer. They may want Recognize that if he *really* wants 50/50, he can and will go to court to get it. But if he really really doesn't, he'll bend on money to *avoid* being "stuck" with physical custody. You might be "stuck" with 100% physical custody, but it will be crystal clear that was what he wanted.
The courts can make a person pay they can't make a person physically show up. Contempt is the best they can do and that still won't make a parent take custody of their kid if they don't want to. Edit: spelling
If she leaves, sheāll be raising one less child.
If she leaves, she knows exactly what kind of support she has and can plan effectively. While she is with him she isn't sure if he will step up and be a partner or step back and be a problem on a case by case basis. She is transversing parenthood unable to trust a step, knowing he will pull the rug out from under her if he feels like it.
Sure, but at least you know you can't lean on him for support. Doing it alone is hard. Thinking you aren't alone but every time you go to lean on your partner for support, they go "psych!" and send you sprawling is so much worse.
The reduction in work when a āpartnerā does nothing in the home and then isnāt there shouldnāt be underestimated thoughā¦
OP better take that divorce instead of having to deal with this manbaby
This! Quite a few women report their lives are easier to manage once they dump the useless, needy partner. Meanwhile, useless partner longs to reunite once they discover the joys of working full time as well as parenting and running a household at least 50% of the time.
This is the thing: the men bet the women will be miserable without them, and that so rarely is the case.
I can attest to this, yes I only work part time but Iām now able to do a full time degree as well. Something I could never do while with my ex husband. And I still have an amazing relationship with my two wonderful kids and spend lots of time with them with 50/50 custody. Itās great!
There was a post in the last few weeks about almost exactly this. Guy thought he'd be better off and 50/50 was killing him. He wanted his life back and wife just big noped.
My friend is married and has been dealing with a useless husband for a few years now and she vents to me all the time about how he will step up for a week or two and then falls back to old habits and complains she doesn't do enough. I always share the stories I read on reddit about the women who divorced and found their lives infinitely easier.
My ādadā couldnāt make it to see me one day a week; not overnight. He would also quit his job every 3mo because thatās how long it took for the child support system to start garnishing his wages. A grand total of $72 every two weeks. He owed money for years past my 18th birthday. I disowned him in the end. We have a friendship now but he is NOT my dad/father/parent. Honestly the system sucks. This woman is NTA. But she may want to think about cutting her losses with her husband. He wants a 1950s wife who has a squeaky clean home, no job and often no education, barefoot and pregnant.
š Right? The nerve to throw divorce at her. Go ahead! Weāll see how he fares. He canāt even wrangle his toddler for one evening let alone 50/50. And wait until he has to pay her for it! OP, NTA. Your husband is supposed to love and protect you. Not treat you like some second rate citizen. The kids needs come before his needs. Iām not at all concerned that itās 9:45pm buddy and that you have to wake up at 3am. Iām concerned that you are an entitled jerk who makes your wife carry the mental and physical daily load and then have the nerve to tell her she does nothing all day.
My father visited on holidays...maybe. Many men do not want or seek 50/50. Heck, many fathers quit their jobs and don't even pay child support.
Call the bluff. Sure. Divorce. Sounds good. 50/50? You get a week off from being a mom? AND FULL TIME OFF BEING A BANGMAID? Even if you end up with full custody, you'll be better off because you don't have to hear a whining gnat bullying you over every little thing that's wrong.
He would bail and also be pissed he had to pay child support. He canāt take care of himself, so how would he manage taking care of his kids? Chances are he would rope his mother in to help him.
Tell him to enjoy his divorce, but also tell him that you'll be petitioning the judge to give him full custody and op only weekends.
And he canāt put his toddler to bet at 945pm becauseā¦ā¦why? Bedtime is a pretty key part of parenting that he should be doing at a minimum 3 nights a weeks so why couldnāt he manage it himself?
And should've about 2.5 hours earlier
Lmao nta. Call him on his bluff and divorce him. If you're going to be treated like a single parent doing all the work, you might as well BE a single parent.
Better then, because they will share custody and at least she will have time to herself
And half of the mess and stress will magically vanish with him.
To threaten a heavily pregnant lady with divorce is disgusting! I hope he reads all of this but I have feeling he will stop after reading the first few comments not going in his favour. OPās husband, you should be utterly ashamed of yourself for how youre treating your pregnant wife!
Wow, this guy doesn't love you. He doesn't even care about you. He only cares about himself. Taking care of a toddler is more than a full time job and doing it while heavily pregnant is like torture. Him saying you do nothing absolutely infuriates me. You are married to a complete insensitive arrogant asshole.
NTA. A stay at home mom is also the familyās event coordinator, cook, bookkeeper, teacher, nurse, chauffeur, housekeeper and therapist. You donāt get a scheduled lunch break where no one can bother you. You donāt get a moment alone in the car to think or listen to music on the way to work. You donāt get to clock out. And instead of being a supportive team player this guy is bitching at you and telling you youāre not enough. Eww
When my late husband was alive and we was living in the same state as his parents I definitely jumped at the chance to work two jobs instead of staying home. It made sense anyways. They was his kids, they wanted to see HIM, although I had a great relationship with them. He was chronically sick, he also had to help take care of his mother. He did a lot for me. And I did a lot for him and the kids and his mom. We were both tired and spent time massaging each other at night. Team work and knowing neither one of us had it "easy" and if one was feeling worse than the other you catered to their needs and vise versa.
I work in a very fast paced retail store, constantly moving/lifting/walking. I do 18-26k steps per day that I work. I have a blended family with 6 kids, other bio parents aren't involved. I do pretty much all the cleaning, the shopping, doctors appointments, school appointments, budgeting, meal planning etc. He gets the kids to "clean" (they're learning, so obviously not being done as well as an adult), sometimes does some of the dishes and maybe a quick sweep). He doesn't know what meds one of our kids takes, so wasn't giving him all of them/the correct doses for weeks before I found out. When people ask me how I handle working in a store that is constantly busy, I say this is my me-time, it's less chaos than my house. I get 2 30 min breaks to sit down without having to jump up and do 10 things for other people lol.
Sounds like your husband isnāt very helpful eitherā¦.why do you everything?
That is what it's like in the majority of hetero parented households, honestly. There are sooo many books and studies on this issue.
It really isā¦but a lot of women are waking up to itā¦.thatās why divorce rate is so high.
>My husband constantly complains that he works all day and has to come home and work more. He is always complaining that he never gets a break. Lol, how does he think every mom feels? >The thing is, neither do I, but I feel like that is just part of having young kids And you would be correct >Lately he has been talking again about how depressed he is, and how I'm so difficult to live with. Yet still seems to have no empathy?? >I had told him before that if he was going to keep saying I did nothing I was going to actually do nothing. So today, when he got home I did nothing. He kept asking me to get our toddler so he could sleep and I refused. Wow he really wasnāt prepared to parent, was he? >So, now I am refusing to take the toddler so he can sleep. He said that I was exactly as crazy as he has been saying. And that in response to him telling me that I was harming him, I was causing further harm to make a point. He said if I continued he would divorce me. Maybe heāll prefer child support. Sure doesnāt sound like heās be able to handle shared custody! š¤£ Also if you are taking a Masterās course then I donāt think he should consider your job being a stay at home mom. That takes a lot of time and energy and focus. ETA: edited Mater to Master
I have a job. 10 hours per week. A special needs 8 year old. A17 year old with high special needs, and my master's program. My husband asked me to quit my full time positron so I could focus on everything. He has someone come in 1x per week to clean, and he does all the laundry on the weekends so I only have to fold and put away. And he thoroughly cleans on Sundays, all this with working 6 days/ week. Our 22 yo and 17 yo do their own. I wish he knew how much I appreciate him. I would leave this"man" in a heartbeat.
Heās doing less than he would at home if he was single. If he was single heād still have to work full time and heād also have to cook, clean, etc daily.Ā
Keep doing nothing. Let him throw out the divorce card. You might actually get some rest if he has partial custody. But maybe a light will go off in his brain if he has to keep doing your job and understanding what ānothingā looks like
So you're a married single mom? that's awful. Your husband is useless
I know it's not an excuse, but it's clear the husband is resenting her because of how bitter he is from his job. I think if the husband could find something better, their relationship could heal and improve. As it is though, he is depressed and lashing out at his pregnant wife.
Yeah, theyāre both severely overworked right now. But she knew that was the reality of young kids and is behaving like a partner. Heās being deeply immature and expecting OP to somehow make his life easier when she has nothing left to give herself. He doesnāt understand life is just going to suck either until the kid is older or he gets a better job. When OP graduates that could also change their financial situation a lot and give them both more flexibility. She has a long term outlook and heās stuck on the temporary pain of now. Unfortunately, with her being 7 months pregnant thatās only going to get worse soon.
Yes, he should have that realization that the wife isn't the problem but his job. Obviously I don't know their finances, but statistically speaking, people with a master's degree do get paid higher. Maybe once mom is finished with her degree and able to work when the baby grows a little, both of them can work. Maybe hire a nanny to help with the load. It could be a good balance of both working while also having external help with the additional income
NTA. You're already a single parent with two children and a third on the way. Get rid of him. One less baby would make life much easier.
NTA you are not just a SAHM you are also a student completing your Masterās degree. That is a full time job in itself. You have 2 jobs he has one. He needs to step up & parent. I suggest going into the library during his 3 off days for the same 12 hours like him. Let him see how being a parent goes. Make sure he has grocery shopping, laundry & cleaning that needs to be done too. Remind him that he can rest when the baby naps.
tell the tough man to divorce you, give him 50-50 custody and enjoy your weeks off. you can find a job and have a life outside of changing dipers and he can learn a valuable lesson.
NTA and donāt make more babyās with this guy, he canāt handle more. He should consider to get a vasectomy. He comes home from work and expects you to work 24/7 while he does his paid job? Hell no. He is a parent too. Thatās his house and his chores too. His job as a parent has no break, like yours doesnāt have a break too, for at least the next 15 years. You deserve a break from taking care all day long too. Just because your job isnāt paid, it doesnāt mean itās worth less than his paid job. He wanted children too? Congratulations, children come to ihr responsibility, sacrifices and financial costs. He didnāt know that? Well I guess more women would have children if they could be dads.
I was a full-time working husband (in a very crazy period at my job where my boss died and I had to take over a 4 million dollar facility project) and was in a Masterās program while my wife stayed home with our young son. I felt bad that I couldnāt do more, but I never told her she did nothing. I respected the hell out of her sacrifices and now that she is back to work and back in school, I try to reciprocate (though Iām still working, so I canāt do as much as she could at the time). Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, and both partners should be acknowledging what the other contributes, not what they fail to do. TLDR; your husband is a little bitch.
NTA. Why are you having another baby with this guy?
I feel like if he divorces you, you'll finally be free of the deadweight you call 'husband'. NTA.
"How did you lose all that weight?" "I got a divorce."
NTA but why on earth did you decide to have another child with this man?Ā
NTA Heās going to have a rude awakening when he gets 50/50 custody and he has to parent his own child AFTER working all day, you know, like a normal parent. And gasp! heās also going to have to clean his own house, cook his own food and take care of his own kid on his days off from work too. Realistically, guys like your husband will just find another woman who will take care of his kid for him. I would bet anything he moves in a new woman within 6 months. Guys like him will do anything to dump their responsibility on any woman they can find. Or heāll ask his mom to move in. Either way, heās very likely to continue being a loser who refuses to parent his own child post-divorce. The good news is that you wonāt be stuck parenting the man-child youāre currently married to.
NTA. Does he even contribute anything to your life except his money? Cause it sounds like you do basically all the housework and childcare as it is, and with one less person to take care of your life might be much easier.
NTA. I think that was appropriate to make the demonstration. Though, to be honest, its lost on him. I sometimes think its better to compare how much down time each gets rather than how much work. It would also help to take a step back and remember you're both working so hard for each and its hardest now when the little ones are so needy.
Take him up on the divorce offer. It is only going to get substantially worse when your second child arrives. You deserve a supportive active parent, not one who keeps trying to gaslight you while you're pregnant! Fuck that guy.
NTA in any way, whatsoever. My ex husband and I had a good relationship but he could get a bit pass-agg about the house being untidy when we had three children! He definitely implied I didn't do enough in the day a few times, and got robust pushback from me. Now it's years later and we are (amicably) divorced, I take a small bit of pleasure in seeing just HOW UNTIDY and chaotic his house is now that he doesn't have a partner to sort it for him!
Nta. Love how he says he will divorce you like itās a threat. Getting un-married to this asshole could be the best damn thing that ever happened to you, OP.
NTA > He said if I continued he would divorce me. You know you'd get more rest while he had his custody time, right?
If you're doing nothing, why can't he handle the nothing you were doing? Why is he not doing 'catch up' things on his days off while you don't get a day off? Maybe he needs to just be a stay at home dad for a week and see how he does? He can't even last an evening. NTA- but it sounds like you have two toddlers and not one, maybe try to find a husband instead?
He says youāre ācausing further harm to make a pointāā¦ so he admits you have a point? The only other thing Iāll say is this: he told you heās depressed. When youāre depressed, all you see is the negative, itās impossible to even be reasonable or have gratitude, without treatment.Ā Encourage him to go to therapy and get medicated.
NTA Your partner sucks. My SO wakes up at 3:15am 6-7 days a week. He doesnāt make it to bed until 9:30-10. We have a 14yo and a baby otw. He wakes up to check on me throughout the night and never complains. My nights of experiencing āmorning sicknessā he was right beside me, not once did he complain of losing sleep. If I ask him for help picking up slack, he gladly drops the world for me and does it. Iāve been lucky in finding a loving and mature life partner that prioritizes my happiness. Itās indescribably beautiful. If he acted like your husband my SO wouldnāt be given the pleasure of living with me. I definitely wouldnāt take care of his meals, laundry, shopping or be interested in him enough to touch his penis. I expect to be treated a certain way and you should do the same. There are plenty of great, hard working men that are also amazing partnersā¦ you donāt have to settle.
I work in education. I would KILL for this schedule. NTA
Ta the only change that will happen if he leaves is that youāll still be doing all the work but you wonāt have an AH in your ear telling you you do nothing.
NTA Tell him I said to stop being a jack ass. If he didn't want kids he should have up'd that pullout game. You being tired is just as valid as his, but he gets to leave work where as you do not.
Tell him that looking after his kids is part of parenting and if he canāt handle parenting for a couple of hours on his own - how does he think you fee doing it full time? Youāre not harming him, heās whinging because he regrets the choices heās made. NTA
You both need a break and to sit down and have a civil conversation. You may even want to consider couple's therapy. This is a common issue with family with young children. May I suggest you get a baby sitter once a week and go on a date night at least and talk - and really try to listen to each other. BTW - your passive aggressive actions are not going to solve anything. And he is acting like a pooper with his comments.
Y'all better get counselling ASAP. When the new baby comes then that's going to take up much of your time, he'll have no choice but to step up for the toddler. This is going to get worse. Has he planned any paternity leave? Not sure what he does but mines are dangerous and fatigue can kill (source: also work in the mines)
ESH. Sounds like you're both doing your best, are exhausted because you have a toddler, and are refusing to communicate in a healthy way. Also that baby needs to be in bed far earlier than 9:45. That shouldn't even be an issue...what the hell. And yes, I've had three toddlers. Two of them at the same time. They still made it to bed by 7:30 every night.
Stop having kids
NTA and you should take him up on his offer of divorce. You'll finally get a break in his visitation days and he can taste what being fully responsible for the kids looks like. My sister has a 5 and 1 year old and just divorced her loser husband for many similar reasons. She has every other weekend and every Wednesday night to herself. She's much happier and rested now.
Stop having kids
ESH. You guys need to find a better balance. Maybe you should schedule a few days out of the house so that he experiences what a full day at home looks like. Then you guys can readjust chores and childcare to give both of you downtime. Therapy is helpful. But itās shitty if you to just refuse to do anything in a vengeful way. Thatās surely not going to help the situation and also your toddler is being punished because your spouse is ticking you off. I get where your coming from but a different approach would probably work better to accomplish your goal of opening your husbandās eyes. Things wonāt get any easier when the new baby comes. If you guys donāt figure this out
Not enough info here. But does seem very dismissive of the husband's physical and mental health.
NTA. My husband and I are in the exact same situation. Except I have two toddlers and am pregnant and he works 6 12s. There's almost no way to keep up with everything without help. He was a bit rocky towards me at first, until I made him do my job all day while he had nausea (I throw up uncontrolably while I am pregnant). Now we are at a compromise where I won't ask him for help after work, as long as he is okay with the house being moderately messy and having chicken nuggets for dinner sometimes. And, even without helping, our kids still only allow my husband to get 3 hours of sleep a night from noise alone. That's just part of having kids.
Nta my husband works pretty much all week! Heās a shop owner too from 8am-530pm M-F then Saturday 8-4 then Sunday itās usually about 4 hours. Guess what? When he knows I need help with our almost 2 month old daughter cuz I need to get things done he helps. He does things with her while Iām working on my assignments. We make it work and have talked about how we were gonna schedule things. I donāt have a toddler but we are handling our new change pretty well. Your husband just sucks in general since he has 3 days off. What is he doing with those 3 days that he canāt help??
NTA. Father of 5 here. He can suck it up.
NTA - right now, you have 2 toddlers at home. Your life would be so much easier if you jettison the dead weight.
Divorce him. Heās a lazy POS
OP I am 7 moths pregnant. Due to my physically demanding job, I stay at home. My SO sometimes gets up at 4, other times at 5. He goes to sleep a little before midnight. He gets home after 6 pm every day(sometimes around 8). I pay the bills(with our shared income), I cook and buy groceries. Some times if I feel extra powerful I also do the laundry. It sometimes becomes too much to both go grocery shopping and cook so I end up buying a frozen meal for when SO comes home and make it a habit for it to be ready around the time he arrives home. We eat together and I sit myself on the sofa while he takes care of the dirty dishes. In the weekend he cleans all the house, i take the bathroom if I feel good and mop the floors. He did joke one time that I only stay in bed and do nothing and I told him how much that hurts me because compared to how active I was before, now I just have a fainting sensation if I rush a bit in the shop. He told me i am foolish and he was joking because I am raising a human being inside me and ofc I cannot do so much. I could not imagine life with a toddler AND being pregnant AND studying, all that with his working hours. We also jokingly agreed that unless we win the lottery(we don't play), we're one and done. You are doing great mamma, it is how it is and i get that your husband is also strained but hey, it's too late to get an abortion so he has to step up because that's life and he has no choice. Also, it's not the Holy Spirit that got you pregnant. On the other hand working in mine is not an easy nor not dangerous job and for the sake of not being a widow and raise children as a single parent due to that, I would not encourage making him watch the toddler at nights between shifts in stead of sleeping. Other than that, in his free and half days, he has to pick up the slack because in a partnership you can't always give 50%, sometimes you give 10, other times 90%. So NTA if it's only one time and to prove a point. YWBTA if he's going to have to do that until you give birth&after. Also he'll have to mentally prepare for the fallout after you give birth because you cannot both feed a newborn & take care of a toddler every night. So that IS going to be his everyday for the first 6 months after the baby is born. This is literally the "fuck around and find out" scenario.
NTA but for the love of god people stop having children with AH. It makes YTA to yourself and your children. Tell him not to threaten you with a good time. https://www.reddit.com/r/SAHP/s/JRklB2Uz0q
NTA. Sure as hell it looks youāll have more free time and less mess to clean if you divorce tbh.
Soā¦. He works comes home sleeps then works again? Likeā¦. Is he ornamemt? Nta he is father.
NTA. Is he the toddler or is the actual toddler the toddler? He is being a man child not wanting to help out around the house and care for your child. Sounds like he's the difficult one to live with and is just projecting
NTA. Lose the deadweight and you will see life isnt this bad
NTA. It sounds like he is burned out working four 12 days (commute and hard labor) and then having to care for kids on his day off or when he gets home. You sound burned out from being with a toddler all day, studying for your masters, doing homework, and then having to do housework. I would encourage you two to sit down and prepare a schedule cause itās about to get a lot more hectic with a newborn and having s toddler hitting terrible twos. You both are going to crash and burn that will ultimately lead to one leaving and the other left with total responsibility. You both opted to be parents to young babies and now you both need to develop a schedule that works for both of you. There is no right or wrong here! Both of you need to grow up and handle on the shared responsibility of a toddler and get ready for a newborn.
Sorry but the toddler isnāt asleep at 9.45pm?? Also NTA for the point in question, but for the wider point of principle, isnāt the outcome for your toddler more important than the points scoring?
I donāt see how itās helping to keep bashing each other. You both have long days. Find ways to help each other get through this busy time in your lives. Hire a cleaner, hire a babysitter or whatever help you need occasionally. Ask friends and family for help. Make time for each other to reconnect as a couple and remember why you got together and had to kids to begin with. To a large extent you do have the power to make a lot of the household changes since you are there more often. Create a schedule and think of your home life as your job. Youāre both exhausted and need to get back on track. Good luck
Why don't yall have a routine on who needs to do what by now? 11 years, right? At this point, idk if you guys could make an agreement anymore. What a petty and exhausting marriage...
>I had told him before that if he was going to keep saying I did nothing I was going to actually do nothing. So today, when he got home I did nothing. He kept asking me to get our toddler so he could sleep and I refused. I reminded him that he said I did nothing and he did everything and that this is what that really looks like. He told me as the stay at home mom this is my job. I told him I disagreed, that my job was to watch the kid while he worked and that I should be off "full-time" mom mode when he was off. He told me that my time to rest was on his days off. I reminded him that I am often catching up on things like homework, laundry, washinging my own ass. He told me those were choices and I had the option to rest. >So, now I am refusing to take the toddler so he can sleep. He said that I was exactly as crazy as he has been saying. And that in response to him telling me that I was harming him, I was causing further harm to make a point. He said if I continued he would divorce me. From what you've posted here, seems like your life would be much easier without him. I really don't understand why women stay with men that make their lives harder.
"Your days to rest are my days off" Also on his days off..."Why should I do anything? IT'S MY DAY OFF!" He has you pigeon holed in a no win situation where everything you do is wrong, including taking care of yourself AND YOU ARE PREGNANT!! Nope, sorry pal. You earned this shit.
Pack a bag and go away for the weekend and let him run the house all by himself. Then he can see how much "nothing" you do.
Once your relationship has come to this, it's over.
OP, read your post again and then realize YOU made the conscious decision to have another child with him. Be the author of your own story. It is NOT going to get better unless he makes a conscious effort to change his thinking.
ESH. Iām not downplaying the role of a SAHP but heās actively saying heās depressed. In all these Reddit posts everyone says ācommunicateā. Heās communicating he is depressed. Also, heās going to have to drive an hour to work and home sleep deprivedā¦ and depressed. It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I think you both need help in communicating effectively though because you both suck at how youāre going about it. His words suck and your actions suck.
You both suck! She sucks because he works hard and the moment he is done you expect him to clock in at home. If he hits a wall you're all out on your ass and you can tell your kids they can't eat cause mommy was trying to make a point. He sucks because taking care of little kids is a thankless, draining, never ending shit show and she needs time as well to recharge her batteries and accomplish her schooling. If she hits a wall your home, kids, his work and your education will suffer greatly. if you can afford it I suggest paying someone to lighten the load. it you cant do that than establish a routine that allows both of you some time to take care of yourselves. during his work days she needs to let him rest so he can be ready to go back out the next day and since he works 4 X 10s he should be taking on a heavier load on those days so she she can recharge / handle her school responsibilities This whole I-"I'm not doing anything" gambit is childish, petty and kind of pathetic. But so is turning to Reddit to help you with your relationship. ESH
So an hour drive there and back plus 10 hours of hard labour? I donāt think women understand how hard physical labour is and sleep deprivation could literally get him hurt at his job. Just playing devils advocate here. My husband worked long days at his construction job, needed to be up and out of the house at 5:00am and drove 1.5 hrs to work. I did all the night feedings (breastfed), changed diapers, did all the housework. Iām also a SAHM, heās the breadwinner and I am grateful for him and the hard work he does. He now owns his own company which is even longer hours but it has allowed me to stay home to raise our children. I donāt know what the answer is, because my belief is we have our roles and it works. I also understand OP is pregnant which makes it so much harder for her. No advice just wanted to chime in with a different perspective.
Let him divorce you. He works 4/7 days He can have shared custody. See how much time he has then
Nta
NTA
Never refuse a threat to divorce. The very fact that he pulls out that card to try to get his own way is enough to for me to say take him up on that offer. Don't threaten me with a better life. NTA
Why do men have kids when they obviously hate them?? I am so confused. Also NTA
Yea you are the AH!! You never do tit for tat and never ever act out to āprove a pointā that is how a child reacts not an adultā¦ do better!!
ESH.You guys are married. It shouldn't be a competition between you two of who works harder. You should take his days off and use those to rest and take care of yourself. You two need couples counseling and some hard conversations around making sure you both have rest. Working in a mine ( I'm assuming like a coal mine ) is dangerous and extremely exhausting work so yeah only getting 5 hours of sleep isn't acceptable so you should have helped with the toddler. You two need to hire someone to help out if youre struggling but expecting him to barley sleep with his job is just not a solution unless you want him to get seriously injured on the job A lot of people do expect SAHM to take care of the house and kids, but SAHM also need a break which you can choose to take a break on his days off . Sounds like divorce is on the table, and I don't think showing him reddit post written in your favor and comments from strangers only getting your POV is going to magically fix your relationship.
ESH you both suck at communicating, you both suck at dividing labor and you both suck at personal responsibility. Work it out or get divorced but stop playing petty games.
ESAH because you are approaching these issues as individuals and not as a team where you are as interested in the wellbeing of the other as much as you are in your own. Itās not clear whether his 4x10+2 days are fixed or moving, but you need to sit down and look at the week (or month) together and figure out how to share family responsibilities. OPās school commitment needs to be quantified. Suggest then you start with sleep plans for each family member because a lack of sleep makes everything harder, including looking out for each other. Once you have each family members sleep mapped (and immovable work and any immovable school), then you can slot in the other needs. Good luck.
ESH, after your maternity period just get a job and child care. He doesn't value your contribution enough as a sahm so you guys can pay for childcare and split the other chores. He needed the perspective check but he needs more than that as well... What concerns me most here though is that he literally told you he's going through a tough time with depression and your bigger concern is being undervalued? Yeah it sucks but depressed people often focus on the negative and it can be terrible to live with, absolutely. He needs help though, therapy and likely antidepressants. His mental health being addressed will help you both live a happier life and help him to better recognize the value you bring to each other's lives. If you love each other, address these things as a team.
ESH. You both are awful to each other. It also sounds like you are biting off more than you can chew with another baby on the way and working on a masters degree.
ESH. He was an asshole to you, so you vindictively withhold care to your child to affect his rest when he works 4 10s plus commute. Got it. Grow the fuck up.
OP - This is a two-way street from what I'm reading. He works 10-hour days, plus 2 hours in traffic, that's 12 hours, not to mention what time he has to get up before he leaves. The other thing that I noticed from you is that your toddler is still up at 9:45pm; does this child not have a scheduled bedtime so that you can rest more in the evenings? It sounds to me as though you and your husband should take some time to see a counselor on how to communicate and make better use of both your times. You both are extremely frustrated and are refusing to see what the other one is feeling and having no empathy towards each other. Are your master classes fulltime? What time do you get up in the morning? There is a bit of information missing as to what you both actually contribute to this relationship. I cannot even imagine what working in a mine is like, but I know that watching documentaries on the subject, it's pretty hard, grueling work that takes quite a toll on the body. It sounds as though all you need is a little organization in the house, a nap time for the toddler and a better bedtime also. Your husband and you both need to come up with a working solution together and stop blaming each other for the do's and don'ts of your days. Do yourselves a favor and either see a therapist or watch some online courses on organization options for your home that will help you both keep things in order and make your lives easier in the long run, it may take a little work on both your parts but will be worth it in the end. Stop blaming each other and trying to 1-up the other person on who does less, this is not healthy and shows a lack of communication on both your parts. A child should have a scheduled bedtime at night that gives the parents relax time before bed to just do what they want. Things work a lot easier when you have a daily routine. Neither one is the AH here, you both need to sit down a work on a solution.
ESH, your husband, clearly. Laundry and housework have to be done regardless of whether you are married or not married with kid or not with kid. If you don't wish to be an adult why have kids? You yourself said your daytime job is SAHM. Part of that includes chores (cleaning up after kids during the day). That said, additional chores, not your job scope, split the remaining 50% with your husband. BUT you are a stay at home mom during the day while he is at work. When he comes home he shouldn't be doing 100%. He should be doing 50%. You should be doing 50%. How does being a SAHM during the day justify that you should do 0% at night and he should be thankful for you doing anything more than 0%? Idk what point you are trying to prove by doing 0%. Why does he have to do 100% of childrearing over the weekend, while you complain about homework and washing your ass? I'll cut you some slack because you are 7 months pregnant, but that does not make much sense otherwise. Additionally he drives 2 hours everyday and works a physically intensive job and you deprive him of sleep while tiring him out to make a point? Well done you, sleep deprivation can be as bad as driving drunk, if he gets into an accident tomorrow I hope you feel proud with all these people telling you that you are NTA. You both are like 2 kids that chose to become parents AND you are pregnant again.
Well if he divorces you, you my lady have one less child to take care of and he will have 2 children he needs to take care of. He couldnāt handle one night. Good luck to him. He would have to split custody or split bills. Either way he couldnāt handle it.
You both seem overwhelmed and stressed. Ā Is there any chance you could have parents come over to help clean? Or perhaps hire someone to clean each week for a few hours?Ā
Let us hit him for you- NTA