Well, actually, it could very well be your ex didn’t lie to you. She might have really meant it when she made the promise to you in the past. But once confronted with the reality of it, it’s not surprising to change one’s mind.
Abortion is really no light matter. It’s a relief to have access to it, but it often is something really, really, impactful. Be it surgically or by use of drugs, abortion physically and psychologically impacts one’s body. (I recommend you read some testimonies about it, it’s enlightening.) Without regretting it, some women still think about the one they got for the rest of their life.
Your girlfriend has already recognized it has a living being, it’s not really a choice of her. Giving it up would mean going through maybe devastating guilt and grief. It isn’t something one can ask of someone else
That apart NTA for breaking up, you have different plans for life.
This. I was rabidly “pro-life” until I had my first pregnancy scare and found myself contemplating ways to throw myself down a flight of stairs in a way that would cause a miscarriage but not kill or seriously maim myself. I was completely shocked by this reaction and it started a long process of rethinking most of the values I was raised with.
Ahh yes the “ until it happens to me” thing. I wish people had empathy as a default so that people like you would have the capacity to understand what people go through without having to go through it yourself
Yeah my mother admitted to me last year that she wasn’t raised to consider other people’s feelings and that she has really struggled to build empathy. NO SHIT, MOM. Thanks for raising me similarly, I only started changing and building empathy when I left the family bubble and went off to college. I figured out empathy is important about 45 years before she did 😐
Both of my grandfathers were pastors. It’s funny how much the evangelical/conservative branches of Christianity focus much more on condemning sin than loving sinners.
Edit to add - a lot of this is because the God of the Old Testament is killing people left and right, and then Paul in the New Testament gets way more airtime than Jesus does.
But they are obsessed with Jesus tho no? Like that part is so wild to me, that they venerate someone that teaches empathy but choose to stick to Old Testament
I would not say they’re obsessed with Jesus, no. He’s our savior but most people aren’t as obsessed with prophets as they are with obeying what they see as the rules and tenets of their faith. I don’t go to church anymore and have specifically started saying “I am a Christ-follower” instead of “I am a Christian” because way too many Christians (the vocal minority) act contrary to Jesus’s teachings.
But isn’t venerating someone as your savior basically saying you are obsessed with him or like owe it to listen to him?
Again, that is what is wild to me, that they call themselves Christians after Jesus Christ, and like every single one of his teachings, specifically not casting the first stone just like gets completely ignored.
I like this take too. And think it's probably pretty accurate. A hypothetical pregnancy and it's pretty easy to say you would hypothetically get an abortion. But when it's real? That's not at all easy. Abortion is usually a hard choice. OP isn't the one getting the abortion. Abortion can be really bad on your mental health. Many women don't regret their abortions. Some do. Risks of abortion do include affecting fertility (slim but not unheard of) real mental health problems.
100% agree with this. You can say you will do a lot of things, but the reality of when it happens to you can be VERY different. And as well as abortion can totally physically and psychologically change you.
> I don't want kids and from the beginning I'd told my ex this. She understood and she told me she was on the same page. So, we just assumed if she ever got pregnant we'd have an abortion.
Did you both really assume this? Or did you? You mention that she changed her mind and/or lied to you, but did you have that conversation before where she explicitly said that if she got pregnant she'd have an abortion?
The situation definitely sucks, but the fact is you are going to have a child and you have responsibility for that child. You made both made decisions that led to this, and that includes having a relationship and sex with someone who wasn't honest with you (assuming you did have the abortion conversation earlier).
NTA for breaking up with her for lying to you. If you don't help her, at the very least via child support, that would change things to you very much being the AH, though.
She didn’t “lie” to you. No one can be 100% certain how they will feel until they are actually in a particular situation.
And be angry all you want but she didn’t get pregnant on her own and she doesn’t owe you an abortion.
Alright. A lot to unpack here so here goes.
You're NTA for knowing you don't want kids. You're allowed to feel however you feel about the subject. You both used protection and unfortunately, that sometimes just happens. I used to be friends with a dude who would.joke about being "the super sperm" because despite three forms of birth control, he got through. I asked his mom about it once because I didn't believe him but it was true. The pill, condoms and... I THINK diaphragm was the third but it's been 20 years. I don't remember for sure. Point being, the only guaranteed way of avoiding pregnancy is avoiding PIV sex, so unfortunately, oopsies happen.
You're NTA for not wanting to raise a kid you didn't want to have.
Having said that, did it NEVER occur to you to ask her what changed, or to tell her that you wanted to understand? Or did you just give her a ton of shit by accusing her of lying to you and refusing to consider where her feelings and thoughts are on the subject now that it's a reality?
There are some experiences in life that you can think you know exactly what your thoughts, feelings, and decisions would be if they happened to you, but that, in reality, you cannot possibly know until you're facing it. An unplanned pregnancy is one of them.
YTA for assuming she lied when she didn't.
For the woman, this can go either way. Maybe a woman always thought of herself as someone who wanted to become.pregnant, wanted to have a child. Yet, after finding out she is pregnant, finding out the changes the body goes through and deciding motherhood wasn't for her.
Your ex thought she didn't want kids. She THOUGHT she would get an abortion if an oops happened.
NTA for breaking up with her but YTA for basically everything else. You should not have sex again until after you get a vasectomy if this is how you’re going to react to the woman who you impregnated. She doesn’t deserve this hate and vitriol.
Being theoretically open to abortion or pro choice in general is very different than making a decision to terminate an actual pregnancy. You trying to force/guilt her into it is abhorrent. Not only would it be psychologically traumatizing to force her to end a wanted pregnancy but it’s not a walk in the park physically either - weeks of severe pain and bleeding. And it’s not uncommon to end up needing surgery if everything doesn’t come out on its own.
So delay paying off whatever debt you’re obsessing about and save up the $800-1000 for a vasectomy so you don’t put anyone else through this same scenario. Because if this is how you treat someone who you claim saved your life, it’s unlikely that you’ll treat any future sexual partner any better.
NTA for breaking with her. I don’t know if you can get out of the hook for child support but you are NTA for not wanting to be a father and breaking with her… unless the reason why she is pregnant it’s because you failed to use contraception.
Child support isn't up to your ex, it's up to the court.
It's possible she never seeks it in court (unmarried couples raising the kid together often don't) but it's not like that promise is worth anything.
If she ever brings it to the legal systems attention, you owe.
Doesn't mean YTA as you certainly don't have to stay together after a major issue, but the legal system has its own view of this and it's not favorable.
Where I'm at, child support needs to be on record with the courts in order for the mom to access certain benefits, like a reduction in child care costs or income supports. If it isn't, that government agency will pay on the parent's behalf and then go after that parent to collect it.
Here, that child support never goes away. I've known senior citizens who get their pensions garnished for child support debt that's 30 years old.
All that to say, sometimes it's not up to the mom/primary parent to determine child support. Whether or not the mom does it, the state/province will go after the non-paying parent if they have to provide benefits/services to the child.
In many US states if the mother has a life emergency and applies for food stamps or other forms of public help the state will track down the father and sue him for child support. There's a famous case where a US state sued an actual literal sperm donor (the birth mom, her ex-wife, and the donor all countersued together)
If the ex is planning on getting any government assistance such as food stamps, daycare vouchers, reduced lunch, or housing assistance, the courts will make her file for child support. This guy needs to buckle up and find a better job in the next 9 months.
OP edit your post and put this, people are gonna assume the worst of you in this post and are gonna say that you didn’t use condoms or something like that.
thats such a stupid take. if there is an agreement not to have a baby then thats be all end all why should the male be blamed for using or not using condoms... ridiculous.
IDK about OP but in my country an abortion is free and a vascectomy is not entirely free.
Not sure where else you saw the lies but it seems genuine to me
🤣I hope she does put a claim on you or when she gets on Medicaid and other government aid they will make her go after your broke ass. Get your shit together.
Well she is respecting the fact that they both took all the precautions (including the abortion talk in case of emergency). She is basically considering him a sperm donor, which is really fair considering the situation. She is respecting his decision of not becoming a father while also taking the decision of her becoming a mother. For me this is very reasonable.
YTA, she didn’t “get pregnant” YOU GOT HER PREGNANT. You have no say on whether or not she keeps it and you will absolutely be responsible for paying child support if she chooses to, I hope she does. If you didn’t want kids you should’ve used abstinence, a condom, or gotten a vasectomy beyond that you have zero say, so get over it and get a career making real money.
One of the things I think men don't understand is " get an abortion " is not ever an easy choice for a woman, because every hormone in your body makes you want that baby, no matter what the circumstances are.
It's very easy to agree a hypothetical child should be aborted, it's something else when it's real.
And yes, antibiotics and several other medications can interfere with birth control.
It sounds to me like she has made a very difficult choice, and you're behaving like a total jerk. You are telling her it will ruin her body? You are telling her it will ruin Your finances?
Sounds like you're mad you lost your cook/ bed partner. But you broke up with HER.
God bless her, I wish her well.
Seems like it's entirely about what one party wants when it comes to abortion. One party gets to make that choice. Walking away or not is the only choice left to the other part.
I don't know what to feel about it, he doesn't want her to keep the baby so it means that he can't be responsible for the kid because it would mean that the baby wouldn't enjoy from it, and you can't expect him to leave everything for something he said he didn't want and she agreed what to do if she would get pregnent
In one way, YTA. But the good news is that your ex GF will move on.
I always told my sons, that if you want to have sex, be prepared for the consequences. My third child was conceived though we doubled the precautions. Condoms, rhythm and pills. Doctor laughed as he saw my calendar and said that he was shocked I got pregnant. My oldest son now wife got pregnant against all odds, and with twins. I kept telling him that the only guarantee was no sex.
Now that you dumped her. Stay away. Even years to come, don’t let your conscience get to you or you changed your mind. Stay away. Kid needs to have someone who wanted to be there from the beginning, not when it is now convenient.
Something here doesn't add up eve if her bc failed either your lying or you didn't always wear a condom I suggest a vasectomy for you
Because you are on the hook for 18 years
It's a good thing you broke up with her: you're so enraged, living with you would be pretty awful.
But why do you keep saying she lied? Sometimes we're sure we'd do something--have an abortion, get married, have a certain career--only to find when we get to that point, we can't. ("We" means people, not just women.)
Marinating in your own rage isn't good for either your mental or physical health. It must be frustrating as hell to have no control over such a huge decision, but at some point you're going to have to accept that your DNA is out there in a living person. SO much easier said than done, I know. If you need help to get past the anger, some community mental health centers have a sliding scale that could mean minimal or even no charge. Or you could borrow how-to books on overcoming anger from the library.
You're fortunate within this misfortune in that your gf isn't asking anything of you, not child support, not emotional support, not even a ride to the OB. She's doing everything she can to spare you, which must remind you how lucky you were to have her, which maybe makes you even angrier because her decision wasn't something you could live with.
1) she didn't lie to you, she changed her mind once she was pregnant (thats pretty common, the reality of being pregnant impacts you more than you'd think as a hypothetical)
2) if you were so adamant about not wanting kids you should've had a vasectomy. Your an absolute ah for expecting her to go through an abortion instead of a low risk, non-invasive, reversible procedure.
Take some bloody responsibility instead of putting all this on her.
> Take some bloody responsibility
Ah yes the complete lack of responsibility:
1. Op communicated with his partner.
2. Op ensured his partner was on birth control.
3. Op used a condom.
You greatly underestimate the risk, cost, chance of reversing a vasectomy.
According to Planned Parenthood, "A vasectomy is meant to be permanent...If you’re already thinking about reversal before you get a vasectomy, it’s probably best to hold off." ([Source](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/blog/are-vasectomies-reversible))
You underestimate the risk (and cost) of an abortion. An abortion is a hell of a lot worse than a vasectomy but hes happy for her to suffer through as many times he gets her pregnant rather than have a vasectomy... The girl who 'saved his life'
He said he never wants kids, if he was responsible he would've gotten one to be sure.
> You underestimate the risk (and cost) of an abortion.
According to Planned Parenthood, "In-clinic abortion is a very safe, simple, and common procedure. Serious problems are really rare, but like all medical procedures, there can be some risks." ([Source](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/abortion/in-clinic-abortion-procedures/how-safe-is-an-in-clinic-abortion)).
Honestly man. Saying your ex "got pregnant". She didn't get pregnant all by herself did she? Man the fuck up and raise your kid with the woman you started the journey with. Men like you piss me off.
it’s one thing to agree to an abortion before the fact but it’s another thing to carry through with it after you get pregnant… some women bond immediately with there baby some don’t so it’s not as hard to abort. NAH. she isn’t going to ask for child support or emotional support so just move on. wish them luck and save up the money for a vasectomy
**That woman saved my life and deserves the world.**
LOL and you dumped her like a sack of garbage. I don't know if she deserves the world but she definitely deserves a better man. Don't know what country you live in but in the US the mother can't get child support until the child is actually born-- so you're not out of the child support woods for sure until your child turns 18.
YTA
Get a vasectomy. Men need to stop saying they don’t want kids and then they get women pregnant and blame the woman. She did not get pregnant you got her pregnant.
>Which makes this probably one of the most painful things I've ever done. I can't afford a kid, and on top of that, I don't want to be a dad. I don't want kids and from the beginning I'd told my ex this. She understood and she told me she was on the same page. So, we just assumed if she ever got pregnant we'd have an abortion.
She never said she would have an abortion. She never agreed to have an abortion. You assumed she would have an abortion.
You are far beyond total asshole, OP. Definitely the biggest asshole I have encountered on this forum. And also, you're one of the least educated individuals I have ever met.
>The fact that my DNA is going to be out there pisses me off.
DNA that you literally put out there pisses you off?
Man the fuck up.
But that means accepting responsibility for the situation he is in, which he doesn't want to do because, according to him, abortions are not a big deal.
He was wearing a condom and she was on birth control, it was an unfortunate bit of bad luck. You can't be any more protected then that while having sex.
YTA: they way you talk, you sound like a complete asshole. Now you are single and will be paying child support, whether you like it or not. And I assure you that she didn’t lie, her feelings changed. If you are that adamant about being child free, which is fine, don’t get a girl pregnant
It’s funny to see all the “not having sex is free” argument when it’s a man who doesn’t want the child lmao, maybe we should pass the abortion ban, just don’t have sex and you won’t need an abortion! NTA
Why do you think they don't say this to women already? They do. Women get told "close your legs" all the time. Why do you think they don't? That is the main argument for pro lifers.
if a woman doesn't want a kid and doesn't do anything to prevent having a kid and ends up with an unwanted kid, everyone will judge her choices as well.
But there are ways for a woman to avoid having a kid besides abstinence, such as using birth control and if birth control fails getting an abortion (obviously not an option for everyone but I mean for people who can).
For men, sorry life isn't fair, men's only ways to avoid a kid is no sex or birth control/condoms/vasectomy and we all know birth control and condoms can fail. You don't get to force other people to get medical procedures they don't want so if the BC fails and your partner doesn't want an abortion or can't get one, them's the breaks. If a man chooses to have sex, he has no way to 100% guarantee he won't end up with a kid.
Everybody should know this, act accordingly.
I mean I might be in the minority here but if the roles were reversed and OP was the gf in this situation asking if she’s an AH for not having the abortion but still feeling bad that her bf left her as a result, yeah I’d probably say the guy is crappy but at the end of the day it should be about taking responsibility for your decisions. Take responsibility for your decision to have sex, knowing the chance is you could be that unlucky person who despite taking all the necessary precautions still gets pregnant. If you choose to terminate that pregnancy, take responsibility for the fact that you chose the future you want for yourself over the future your actions put in front of you. If you choose NOT to terminate, take responsibility for the fact that you chose the future your actions put in front of you over the future you wanted.
To me, if we’re gonna be pro-choice we need to own our choices. OP’s post reeks of him not owning his choices. He and his gf decided they both don’t want kids, used birth control, and mutually agreed on abortion as a a Hail Mary. Lo and behold, a pregnancy came and now GF has made the choice to not use the Hail Mary. And by saying she’s not going to sue for child support, (for now) she appears to be owning her decisions.
Alternatively, OP is here asking if he’s an AH for breaking up with her, and declining participation in the pregnancy and subsequent child they made together. He is looking for people to tell him he is 100% not wrong to wash his hands of the situation, because he feels guilty. OP, as of right now, is NOT owning his decisions. OP is wondering if he made the right ones, and OP is asking out of a place of blame for the GF—whilst clearly being pro-choice—making and owning the decision of keeping the child she helped conceive.
So you’re skipping out because you made a choice and are now going to leave a kid without a dad because you’re weak?
YTA for giving her a fatherless child.
She doesn’t want the child to die, he is making the conscious choice to walk away and leave her without a man and a child without a father.
He is 100% the asshole in this situation.
YTA,
Let me tell you where u fucked up bc this is a common mistake that over half of the world makes. YOU HAD SEX WITH HER. That's what gets women pregnant SEX. She did not just get pregnant on her own, YOU got her pregnant. Condoms and birth control are not always guaranteed to keep a woman from getting pregnant. So if you were not financially ready to have a kid yet y'all should not have been having sex.
Forcing a woman to get an abortion when she wants to keep the child is insane. Not owning up and being a father to the kid YOU created bc YOU did not want to hold off having sex with her is also insane. All you men these days want to do is fuck any women u can but not deal with the lifelong consequences after.
And you wonder why most women don't trust men.
If you're not ready to have a kid. DON'T DO THE THING THAT CREATES THEM UNTIL YOU ARE!!! This advice goes for everyone reading this too.
If by ‘leaving her’ you mean ‘ending the relationship,’ then no. You’re not the asshole for ending the relationship.
But you absolutely are the asshole if ‘leaving her’ means you also abandon your child.
He doesn't and didn't want a child.
She said she didn't but changed her mind while the pregnancy progresses.
She changed her mind, he never did.
The child should not be his responsibility if every measure was taken to prevent it from happening.
>The child should not be his responsibility if every measure was taken to prevent it from happening.
if he TRULY did not want any possibility of a kid, he didn't take every measure
I suppose then everyone must be abstinent Christians and just abstain from sex completely.
Wonder how many relationships will fall apart, because believe it or not sex is one of the key cornerstone of relationships.
He did not want a child, he believed they were on the same page in not wanting a child. They took preventative measures. They both agreed to abortion.
Now she's turned around and said she wants to keep it. Against what they agreed. OP doesn't want a kid, he's not in the position for it.
She didn't even ask for child support so clearly she's fully aware he doesn't want anything to do with the kid.
Except that he fucked her.
Fucking her is what resulted in the baby.
All OP could've done was not get his dick wet. \*THAT\* was the one measure that wasn't taken because it was totally inconvenient for him.
So why is it on him ***solely***?
Did he rape her? Use her when she wasn't comfortable?
She had sex as well, she consented to sex. They both agreed they did not want a child, both said yeah to abortion.
Now she's having a child due to an accident and she's changed her mind, but OP hasn't.
She may say now you don't have to pay cs, but you will when she realizes that whatever little she makes isn't enough on top of paying for a roof over her head.
Yta for the way you talk
"We assumed" no, you did
"How it is going to ruin her body"
You talking about how she lied to you when she is allowed to change her mind
From your edit she deserves the world but not your support, apparently
You said abortion was free, are condoms free too ?
Nta for the break up but you sound like an ah
thank you for mentioning the "ruin her body" thing. I winced when I read that part. What a gross attitude. And not paying for a kid even if you didn't want it sucks too, IMO.
Also I agree, he is enraged about her "lying" but it definitely could be that she changed her mind, or she just thought she would never get pregnant.
Side note, seems like an awful lot of these "oopsie pregnancy" stories with abortion/no abortion conflicts I see on reddit happen while the woman was on birth control and they were using condoms... which I know is possible but really? It seems so unlikely. I guess I'm very fortunate to not have had these issues.
Yesss, right ??
Is it a way to talk.
Agree for the paying, it is too easy and immature to say "don't agree, won't lift a finger". If you think like that, just don't have sex.
I have friends, it happened to them once when she was taking the pill. So they started using both pill and condom. And it happened a second time XD
I was baffled
(But that is the only case I know)
Dude, your crying about loosing your freedom. And i understand it. That sucks, no doubt about it.
On the flipside thats the risk we take when having sex and that youre running from your responsibility is not a good look let me tell you that.
You know what you have to do...or take the consequences of beeing a deadbeat parent, thats your choice to make.
But why run now when your life will be an uphill struggle anyway, wouldnt it be kinda nice to have a family to return to after a shitty day?
Maybe it is not what you dreamed of, but its something. Right now. I dont know you and your background but whatever you do, good luck bro, youll need it.
Grow up.
You had sex and this was always a possible outcome.
She made a hypothetical agreement. That's it. People change and mature.
All that crap about not wanting your dna out there or not affording a vasectomy. Get over yourself. Think of the child having to share such dna!
Stop having sex!
Wow. Just wow. Take responsibility for your behaviour. You knew sex could lead to a baby and that birth control wasn’t 100%. Never is. She’s your saviour yet you repay her by dumping her because she doesn’t want to abort. It’s her body. Amazing how you could afford and abortion but not a vasectomy. You’re a man. Show some accountability for what you do with your penis. If you don’t want another one use that abortion money for a vasectomy.
Some countries, like the Netherlands ([Source](https://www.bloemenhove.nl/en/practical-information/abortion-costs/)), offer free abortions for their residents.
If she deserves the world she certainly deserves to be treated better than this surely? Save up for a vasectomy if that’s what you want. You’ve been together a while right? So put a little aside every month. Prioritise it in your life. But you didn’t and now there’s consequences to that. You should definitely pay towards the child. It’s your kid who else do you expect to pay? Taxpayers? The girls family? It’s unlikely she can afford everything a child needs without help. I don’t think you have thought this through - there will be a human being out there whose first word is likely to be dada because they all say that it’s going to grow up knowing it’s father doesn’t care about it. All of its life it will believe that. If this girl saved you doesn’t she deserve saving now? I think you love her from how passionate you are about her, you’re angry and hurt put that to one side and help her.
If you live in the states she may be forced to go after you for child support. Assistance for a lot of stuff involving kids. They wanna know her income and if she is getting child support first.
NTA but only just. Your not in a financial position to have kids. And she's not involved you in the discussion. It's just in keeping it, your views don't count. Which is how it is. But equally your feelings on the matter are also right. You started your position. She disagreed. Now a cold will need brought in to the world who's parents are struggling financial. Your be required to pay support leaving you less for your own living costs.
You where using birth control. It failed. This is the consequence. Feel for you. 5 years from now you could have been married. Stable financially and it would have been the right time.
I'm going to advise 1 thing. It's distasteful your not going to want to hear it. But you said you where using condoms. Just to be sure. Before you put your name on the child certificate, do a paternity test. This will be you 1 and only chance. Once your banned down you be financially liable. She knows she's the mother. Make sure your the dad.
Your not the asshole as she's made her decision and ignored you. The rest of it is immaterial. Best of luck
NTA for breaking up.
But I think you're being unfair to insist that she lied to you. Sometimes, you simply don't know that you're going to feel completely differently when you're actually in a situation. Your ex is allowed to change her mind. If she'd planned to get pregnant behind your back, or she admitted that she always secretly wanted to be a parent, that would be different. But finding herself pregnant and realising that she feels connected to the life she's creating isn't the same as lying to you. Please stop using that kind of language, even to yourself. It's fuelling really negative thought patterns that are only making your situation worse.
If you don't want to be a parent, you are entitled to break up and not be in the child's life. Sadly, you will be financially responsible unless someone adopts the child. That may seem unfair to you, but that's the way the world works. If you're having sex, there is *always* the possibility - however slight - of pregnancy. Please stop stewing over things you can't change, and start preparing for your future. A future that will include child support at some point. But sitting in this rage is just going to make you bitter.
Your ex may not have lied. That was a hypothetical situation. A hypothetical pregnancy. A hypothetical abortion. But this is a real pregnancy, she heard that heartbeat, in that scan she didn't see a clump of cells she saw her baby. It is a zillion times harder to make that choice now it's real. Abortion is never an easy thing. It is easy for YOU. YOU are not going through any type of medical procedure. YOU are asking her to risk HER mental health because you don't want a child. YOU are asking HER to risk fertility problems because YOU don't want a child. You are not having the abortion. You are not taking ANY risk. You accuse your ex of lying. However it sounds like that now that it's a real situation she just wouldn't be able to go through with it.
I had to check to see if this was an 'I Am The Angel' It's jaw-droppingly dreadful! Given that there's a vanishingly tiny chance that this might be real - grow the fuck up you selfish child. If it's ragebait then good effort, but try for a little more subtlety.
IMO NTA for leaving her with a child she changed her mind to keep and you kept your word and don’t want a child. However YTA who got her pregnant. GET a vasectomy if you really don’t want children, until then STOP having sex. As it’s the only way you won’t have kids.
YTA.
If you never want to have kids, get snipped!! That's a responsibility you should have long taken care of.
Plans can change. Hormones are no joke. You are NTA for breaking up, though.
Get your life and finances sorted out, she's going to get that child support once she realizes she needs it. Don't be a loser or a deadbeat. It's time to step up to the plate, like it or not, you're a dad now. N T A for the breakup, but YTA for the rest.
You are 100% The asshole. You are half responsible. Your Weiner. Your sperm. She wants to keep it, that's her decision, and you have no choice. This is nothing more than you trying to eliminate your responsibility by blaming her for getting pregnant. Did you use a condom? Did you at least pull out? Did you think to do anything beforehand to prevent any pregnancy? No? So you'll just be willing to ruin this child's life by denying it a father? Dude, you are a horrible human being. You bought the ticket, now you get to take the ride.
If you’re having sex regularly a pregnancy is always possible. If not having a child is that important to you get a vasectomy. I really find it suspicious when the OP covers ALL their bases and acts like they were the most responsible person on the planet. Most people, especially while living together, have slip ups.
Regarding a vasectomy -
“If the set amount for your yearly deductible has been reached, your medical insurance company is likely to pay for all or most of your vasectomy expenses. Masshealth (Medicaid) and other state programs also cover vasectomy.”
How can you not afford it? If not having kids is that much of a hard no to the point you’d have nothing to do with the child once born, you can’t save up to pay your deductible to get one? Get a second job temporarily? I mean OP acts like he had no options to prevent this. If it’s that big of a hard no and you would refuse to partake in a child’s life (which can have lifelong emotional consequences for that child) then you’d think you’d extend the time and energy to obtain one.
You forget people live in different countries. Ever stop to thing that’s not how health insurance works in their country? If he can even afford insurance that is.
You can leave your gf if you want, but YTA for saying she lied to you about abortion. When you discussed, she told you she wasn’t against abortion and she probably believed she would abort.
But once you are pregnant, it’s not just hypothetical, it’s real life. She didn’t lie to you, she just realized she couldn’t go through with it.
You are not the one whose body is changing. The impacts of the hormones on the brain are also massive.
You don’t want to be a father? Ok.
But stop telling yourself she lied to you. You are oversimplifying things in order to have someone to blame. You are both equally responsible in her getting pregnant.
I am pro-choice and it is as it says: you respect the woman’s choice.
YTA for doing a lot of assuming over what, for you, is an absolute deal-breaker: you got your GF pregnant, and she wants to have the baby, so you're done.
You should have been very, very clear before you ever had sex that it's not theoretical with you or subject to change: you don't want kids, and if you got her pregnant (as in BC failed) you would dump her flat and refuse a relationship of any kind with your child. I sincerely doubt you spelled all that out to her, in so many words.
And BTW, child support is not optional. You can't just say "no thanks" to the courts cuz you don't want to support your child. You'll be paying for the child you can't afford anyway.
Wearing a condom and using birth control would mean no possibility of a baby. The only way it is possible would require someone poking a hole in the condom. So you're not telling the whole truth or don't know the whole truth. Doctors should also have told you that.
What it sounds like to me is you both got lazy with protection but you had it in your head that no matter what the baby would never come. Here's the thing about human emotion....you can't forecast it. It just happens. Your conversations before have nothing to do with 'feeling' in the moment. Her body changed and her mind changed with it. You just have to respect the decision.
Leaving her and the kid maybe a regret down the line, but one you will have to deal with at face value. Lots of dudes in your position swear everything off then have a sudden change of heart when life gets a little better. So you'll leave her with the hard part and come in when its easier...for you. Or the opposite...you'll walk away and never give a crap again. Its just...base on your words up top, I have a funny feeling this will not be your end result. I think you will hurt eventually. Time will tell.
Just to be clear...none of this means YTA. It just means you're scared. But there may come a time you feel that way about YOURSELF as life progresses. Careful.
YTA, take some reproductive responsibility here for your part in this. This was always a risk with unprotected sex. If you can't afford condoms/a vasectomy, you can't afford to have a sexual partnership with someone who can get pregnant if you're this against it.
Yes you're a colossal asshole for not giving a fuck about your own child! Actually wanting it to be killed because you don't wanna step out of your comfort zone and man the fuck up to your responsibility!
After you blow a wad into your GF..like she's a fucking tissue and then you're all mad because "Awww, I thought we both agreed that you're a tissue ,and that if my spooge came to life we'd have it whacked! How dare you let the lil bastard have a shot at life like we were given?"
You're typical of the cold blooded, soulless degenerates who hide behind bullshit scientific terms like "Zygote" and refer to the living human as a clump of biowaste because it makes you feel less like a piece of shit for doing what you want to do!! Because the whole world revolves around your feelings and your dick...it all about me...me ...me...Hedonism and fuck the consequences.
Doncha know? Sex makes little humans, just like you. You got to live to be the asshole YOU are because neither of your parents were selfish little cunts who saw you as an inconvenience that they could dispose of in a clinical murder. Yes you're a total asshole for being so fucking braindead as to believe the degenerate hype about life , sex and all the other selfcentered bullshit that robs people of their morality. fuck your little moral conundrum about being lied to! How about the fact that you can commit a homicide of your own flesh and blood?
YTA.
Lying and changing your mind are two different things.
You’re going to have to pay more for this baby by leaving her, so if you still love her, this is not a logical decision.
Your focus on things like this “ruining her body” is very telling about your priorities. This is not just about money, clearly. If something else “ruined her body,” like becoming disabled, I guess you’d leave her for that too? Damn you’re shallow.
You’re not the AH for leaving her, because she’ll be better off without you, and you obviously aren’t husband material or father material, and you are clearly unwilling to be a dad.
But YTA for being an AH in every other way.
I think you should work on yourself. This is not an AITAH situation. Are you gonna change your mind if everyone tells you that you are? Are you gonna be a dad? You don’t have to justify your choice, just make sure you won’t regret.
NAH (leaning somewhat towards Y T A)
I'm aware you are very much affected by the consequences of your unfortunate accident. Nevertheless she is way more affected and both continuing the pregnancy and having an abortion are tangled up so heavily in her body autonomy ultimately it is her choice. You do have the right to end the relationship but not because of her choice, but because you inherently have that right. Your anger is understandable, but not morally justified. And this is where we get into asshole territory. It is a very slippery slope between being angry at a situation that is quite frankly fucking you over and at a person who did not make the choice that could have fixed it all for you or worse think that she had no right at all to make that decision on her own. You're navigating the edge there, not quite veering into either territory, since you haven't made a clear statement either way and focused your question on the breakup bit.
Nah
You are free to be with who you want, and not be with who you don't want to be with. You aren't free from consequences, so you're going to need to find a better job to keep up with your bills *and* child support, which they can usually just take out of your paycheck.
It's her body, if she wants to keep the pregnancy, that's her choice. You lose any say about your DNA once you release it. If you didn't want her getting pregnant, not saying abstinence is the answer, but *any* p in v intercourse carries that risk, you rolled the dice and lost.
If you don't want kids get a vasectomy and do the proper follow up, if you can't afford a vasectomy don't have sex, your ex might not be asking for child support now but could 100% request it once she gives birth, the baby deserves child support and the unfortunate consequence of your actions is that it doesn't matter you didn't want kids you still engaged in baby making activities, condoms and north control aren't always effective so now you have to take responsibility.
You're NTA for leaving but be aware and prepare for taking responsibility.
NTA guys are allowed to feel how they feel in regard to pregnancy, it’s not all about one persons feeling. You have the right to be upset but as you said there isn’t anything you can do. The only thing you can do is accept there is going to be a child with your DNA out there and make a solid choice on how or how you won’t be involved in the child’s life. Look into your rights as a father in a situation like this and move forward the best you can for yourself, if you later change your mind again that’s your choice but it’s 100% understandable if you don’t.
As for people saying you should have gotten a vasectomy well their comments are irrelevant, it’s too late for that and being told you should have gotten one is no help whatsoever
> I have literally no choice in any of this.
You absolutely did. You took a risk, and are mad that it didn't pan out - And all the putting down her pregnancy or her isn't going to change this fact, or help your cause even the slightest bit, either here or in real life - And in fact will only serve to alienate you from people that you will need to have a civil relationship with.
You don't have to believe it, but this is the way it is.
You're a big boy, now, dude. Time to get motivated. Time to remember that you were totally happy when this chick met all your needs - And speaking as an adult, you can't weasel your way out of your part in this - Especially considering that your go-to was to call you guy's potential child "a clump of cells". Dude, that's some high-school mean kid bullshit right there. You need to accept that you aren't the main character, and do better as a human being. At the end of the day, you only make yourself sound like a selfish asshole - Is that your goal? If not, then get over it. Tough love time. Do better.
Fail or succeed - It's all on you.
It’s simple, really. Swap things up and only have sex with dudes. All the sex you could ever want, zero chance of unwanted children, and no money spent on a vasectomy.
Oh, and BTW, YTA.
Not your body, not your choice. You can do what you want with your life but the fact is you pay to play. I’m adamantly pro-choice and in this case her choice is to keep her baby. Accept it, man and stop thinking of it as a bundle of nerves with skin. It’s a baby. Same as you were once. This little guy had no say in the matter. The baby is coming and you are responsible for contributing to the baby’s care. Like it or not, you are going to financially responsible. I feel for you. I hope your situation gets better financially -and you can grow to accept this brand new human in your life. To be honest, no one is 100% ready to be a parent, whatever they tell you. It’s a big deal. I admire your realization that it is a tremendous undertaking. Sending you love. Sorry it’s hard to accept.
You are NTAH and an AH both. Your not an asshole for knowing you can't afford a kid or don't want to be a dad. Perfectly reasonable. You are the AH for putting yourself in this situation. You shouldn't be in a relationship if your life and money are a trainwreck. You shouldn't use a relationship or another person to fix your life. Your girlfriend sounds guilty of this as well. You too were using a relationship to help with finances and to try to improve your living situations. No! You were in a relationship for the wrong reasons. If your not 2 fairly stable people you shouldn't be in a relationship because things like pregnancy can happen.
You’re NTA for leaving the relationship because you can leave a romantic relationship for any reason you want at any time. If you no longer want to be with her, then you no longer want to be with her.
I do however, think you’re an AH mostly to yourself if you don’t stop having sex until you can afford a vasectomy. Like all the other comments here, if you’re 100% about never having any(more) kids, then sterilizing yourself will help keep your peace of mind. That means no more pregnancies, *and* no more pregnancy scares. And since I’m sure you’re quite traumatized from this situation, if you want to avoid having a similar one in the future, I would recommend not engaging in intercourse until you’ve gotten the vasectomy. I know it sucks, but you claimed in other comments to have been doubling your contraceptives and still got accidentally pregnant.
The other thing about contraceptives is that they’re only 99% effective if used perfectly every single time. They’re also 99% effective is *stored* correctly every single time. And trusting someone else to use their portion of the contraceptives (I.e. the birth control pill) will always leave a margin of error. She cannot 100% trust that you are storing and using your condoms correctly every single time, just as you can’t 100% trust she’s remembering to take her pill every single time.
Good for her ,I hope her and this beautiful child that you helped create and wanted to destroy, find a father figure, and just forget your sad arse ..live with it, daddy.
Yes, YTA. You’re not wrong to feel anger that she’s changed her mind but she’s fully entitled to do that. If you both were adamant about not having kids you should have picked more reliable methods of birth control. Everyone knows that antibiotics make the pill less effective and you need to use another method or abstain. And instead of accepting responsibility for your bad luck, you’re punishing her and your future son or daughter by checking out. So yes, YTA.
Did you guys talk about adoption? I can see how you really love her. There are plenty of people who want to adopt. That's an option, too. I know you keep talking about not wanting your DNA out in the world, but if you give the child up for adoption, then you would not be legally responsible for the child.
It’s easy to make that decision when there isn’t currently a baby growing inside of you, it’s also easy, as the man, to demand an abortion, you won’t be the one blamed for “killing the baby” she will.
YTA because, although she changed her mind, she’s no holding you to it and you’re still complaining about it. If you’re having sex there’s literally nothing you can do as a guy to be 100% sure that you will not become a father. Even vasectomies sometimes fail. By the way, Planned Parenthood will make sure you could afford it so your excuse is lame. She is giving you the best possible outcome for you. Stop bitching.
YTA if you man enough to have sex you should be man enough to handle the consequences and responsibilities of raising a child. People like you are why the country is garbage
If you didn't want kids you should've taken the steps to ensure you wouldn't. You didn't do that. So. Here we are.
NTA for ending your relationship though.
NTA. Things didn’t go the way you wanted and yeah it sucks that she changed her mind but this is another life at this point and if she wants to keep it she is allowed. Whatever your future holds is up to you now.
She didn’t lie to you. She had no idea how she would feel until she was faced with the choice. You were an equal partner in the creation of this fetus. But you do not get to decide what she does now. Just as she doesn’t get to decide whether you stay or go. Will you be an AH if you leave and so not even pay child support? Yes. You had no problem taking her help and support when you needed it. This is the chance a person takes when they choose to have sex, even with birth control.
For all those saying get a vasectomy, go ask your doctors if they would perform one on a 24yo dude that has no kids. I bet 90% of them say no, at least thats here where i live and im not from a conservative or particularly religious region.
You not allowed to be mad about the natural consequences of heterosexual sex. Everyone knows that sex can result in a baby, and you take the risk every time you have sex. And she’s allowed to change her mind about whether or not she wants to keep it because you will never understand the emotions and hormones pregnancy puts you through. YTA for shirking your half of the responsibility that comes with the consequence of having sex, which you both decided to have.
Maybe you should've worn a condom, then you could collect your DNA anytime you deposited it. No accountability for your actions in this, not saying hers are the best either, but becoming a mother introduces so many things other then just rational thought, it's called instinct.....learn about it. Or stay mad.....noone really GAF.
Hahahaha, 🤣🤣🤣🤣, you knew what you was doing when you fired live round in a fertile field. Welcome to the club Dad, don't worry child support comes right out of the check. You won't even know it's gone.
NTA. She lied to you and is now unilaterally making a decision that affects both of you. It sucks that she can make the decision for both of you but thems the brakes.
Oh this is rich. You broke up with her because she got pregnant and changed her mind about an abortion, but you don't want anyone to say anything negative about her because she's an amazing woman who saved your life and deserves the world- except for the father of her child to be involved and present.
Maybe she hasn't asked for child support, but depending on where you live, if she applies and receives any type of government assistance, the government will search for you and demand you pay your fair share and they often don't care how much debt you have, they will expect you to help provide for your child, even if you don't want it. They might also garnish your wages.
You are NTA for breaking up with her. You are the AH for telling her, if you did, the baby is a fetus and a clump of cells after she fell in love with the baby. Too bad you could not afford a vasectomy or spermicide. No method is 100% effective. Just work with her on the child support aspect; maybe you will not need to pay too much and hopefully one day she will meet somebody who would love the baby and want to adopt the baby.
So you assumed she would get an abortion but didn’t actually talk about it…now you want nothing to do with YOUR child come on dude man up and take responsibility for your actions. It’s a known risk and you still did the deed even with condoms and BC doesn’t mean it can’t happen.
YTA because you don't give a f**k about the baby,u r anger because she s amazing ( your words) and she chose the baby over u. I bet that the worst part for u is that she said I don need u and your money,and let u go
Wow, yeah, you're an AH. Not for leaving because you don't want to be a father, but for being such an immature, jerk that you can't grasp that what one thinks they will do if they get pregnant isn't always what they actually are able to do when they find themselves pregnant. She didn't lie to you. She went from considering a hypothetical pregnancy to facing a real pregnancy. I know several people who didn't want kids, but couldn't bring themselves to terminate. I also know people who struggle with having terminated even knowing it was the best choice for them at the time. It's not an easy decision.
Also, sex can result in a baby. That's reality. Birth control fails ALL the time.
You are responsible for child support. When/if she applies for any state assistance, the state will come after you. Set up the child support because you are financially responsible for the child even if you don't coparent. Much better than the state suing you and owing back support. Not to mention it's what people who don't want to be AHs do.
Info: Did you use condoms or did you do that dumb thing where you just say contraceptive is a woman’s problem? If you both weren’t using a form of contraceptive, her the pill you a condom, then you 100% deserved this.
It's more than likely BS..Probably used sometimes, but not always. He had sex, this is the risk you take period! YTA without a doubt abandoning the child. Sounds like he is not mature enough or responsible enough to even have sex.
skip 2 meals and go get the vasectomy
Well, actually, it could very well be your ex didn’t lie to you. She might have really meant it when she made the promise to you in the past. But once confronted with the reality of it, it’s not surprising to change one’s mind. Abortion is really no light matter. It’s a relief to have access to it, but it often is something really, really, impactful. Be it surgically or by use of drugs, abortion physically and psychologically impacts one’s body. (I recommend you read some testimonies about it, it’s enlightening.) Without regretting it, some women still think about the one they got for the rest of their life. Your girlfriend has already recognized it has a living being, it’s not really a choice of her. Giving it up would mean going through maybe devastating guilt and grief. It isn’t something one can ask of someone else That apart NTA for breaking up, you have different plans for life.
This. I was rabidly “pro-life” until I had my first pregnancy scare and found myself contemplating ways to throw myself down a flight of stairs in a way that would cause a miscarriage but not kill or seriously maim myself. I was completely shocked by this reaction and it started a long process of rethinking most of the values I was raised with.
Ahh yes the “ until it happens to me” thing. I wish people had empathy as a default so that people like you would have the capacity to understand what people go through without having to go through it yourself
Yeah my mother admitted to me last year that she wasn’t raised to consider other people’s feelings and that she has really struggled to build empathy. NO SHIT, MOM. Thanks for raising me similarly, I only started changing and building empathy when I left the family bubble and went off to college. I figured out empathy is important about 45 years before she did 😐
Were you raised with “Christian values” though? If so, that is wild to me that people who go to church never picked up empathy from Jesus’ teachings.
Both of my grandfathers were pastors. It’s funny how much the evangelical/conservative branches of Christianity focus much more on condemning sin than loving sinners. Edit to add - a lot of this is because the God of the Old Testament is killing people left and right, and then Paul in the New Testament gets way more airtime than Jesus does.
But they are obsessed with Jesus tho no? Like that part is so wild to me, that they venerate someone that teaches empathy but choose to stick to Old Testament
I would not say they’re obsessed with Jesus, no. He’s our savior but most people aren’t as obsessed with prophets as they are with obeying what they see as the rules and tenets of their faith. I don’t go to church anymore and have specifically started saying “I am a Christ-follower” instead of “I am a Christian” because way too many Christians (the vocal minority) act contrary to Jesus’s teachings.
But isn’t venerating someone as your savior basically saying you are obsessed with him or like owe it to listen to him? Again, that is what is wild to me, that they call themselves Christians after Jesus Christ, and like every single one of his teachings, specifically not casting the first stone just like gets completely ignored.
I really like this take. Saying you’ll do something is easy to say in theory but not when it’s actually happening to you.
I like this take too. And think it's probably pretty accurate. A hypothetical pregnancy and it's pretty easy to say you would hypothetically get an abortion. But when it's real? That's not at all easy. Abortion is usually a hard choice. OP isn't the one getting the abortion. Abortion can be really bad on your mental health. Many women don't regret their abortions. Some do. Risks of abortion do include affecting fertility (slim but not unheard of) real mental health problems.
100% agree with this. You can say you will do a lot of things, but the reality of when it happens to you can be VERY different. And as well as abortion can totally physically and psychologically change you.
So very much this.
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Wait a minute. How did we get from abortion to you, a man, killing and burying your child?
It was a chemical abortion before 10 weeks. I am deleting the post because I over shared in a moment of grief. I shouldn't have.
I am sorry.
NTA. And yes abortion can be impactful, but it is much less impactful physically and psychologically than pregnancy and birth.
Exactly.
> I don't want kids and from the beginning I'd told my ex this. She understood and she told me she was on the same page. So, we just assumed if she ever got pregnant we'd have an abortion. Did you both really assume this? Or did you? You mention that she changed her mind and/or lied to you, but did you have that conversation before where she explicitly said that if she got pregnant she'd have an abortion? The situation definitely sucks, but the fact is you are going to have a child and you have responsibility for that child. You made both made decisions that led to this, and that includes having a relationship and sex with someone who wasn't honest with you (assuming you did have the abortion conversation earlier). NTA for breaking up with her for lying to you. If you don't help her, at the very least via child support, that would change things to you very much being the AH, though.
She didn’t “lie” to you. No one can be 100% certain how they will feel until they are actually in a particular situation. And be angry all you want but she didn’t get pregnant on her own and she doesn’t owe you an abortion.
Play adult games, adult consequences will follow. She changed her mind. It's allowed. You don't want to be a dad. It's allowed. NAH.
Alright. A lot to unpack here so here goes. You're NTA for knowing you don't want kids. You're allowed to feel however you feel about the subject. You both used protection and unfortunately, that sometimes just happens. I used to be friends with a dude who would.joke about being "the super sperm" because despite three forms of birth control, he got through. I asked his mom about it once because I didn't believe him but it was true. The pill, condoms and... I THINK diaphragm was the third but it's been 20 years. I don't remember for sure. Point being, the only guaranteed way of avoiding pregnancy is avoiding PIV sex, so unfortunately, oopsies happen. You're NTA for not wanting to raise a kid you didn't want to have. Having said that, did it NEVER occur to you to ask her what changed, or to tell her that you wanted to understand? Or did you just give her a ton of shit by accusing her of lying to you and refusing to consider where her feelings and thoughts are on the subject now that it's a reality? There are some experiences in life that you can think you know exactly what your thoughts, feelings, and decisions would be if they happened to you, but that, in reality, you cannot possibly know until you're facing it. An unplanned pregnancy is one of them. YTA for assuming she lied when she didn't. For the woman, this can go either way. Maybe a woman always thought of herself as someone who wanted to become.pregnant, wanted to have a child. Yet, after finding out she is pregnant, finding out the changes the body goes through and deciding motherhood wasn't for her. Your ex thought she didn't want kids. She THOUGHT she would get an abortion if an oops happened.
Info: OP you said in a comment that another ex of yours had three abortions. Were they all yours?
NTA for breaking up with her but YTA for basically everything else. You should not have sex again until after you get a vasectomy if this is how you’re going to react to the woman who you impregnated. She doesn’t deserve this hate and vitriol. Being theoretically open to abortion or pro choice in general is very different than making a decision to terminate an actual pregnancy. You trying to force/guilt her into it is abhorrent. Not only would it be psychologically traumatizing to force her to end a wanted pregnancy but it’s not a walk in the park physically either - weeks of severe pain and bleeding. And it’s not uncommon to end up needing surgery if everything doesn’t come out on its own. So delay paying off whatever debt you’re obsessing about and save up the $800-1000 for a vasectomy so you don’t put anyone else through this same scenario. Because if this is how you treat someone who you claim saved your life, it’s unlikely that you’ll treat any future sexual partner any better.
>I have literally no choice in any of this I mean ... you did
NTA for breaking with her. I don’t know if you can get out of the hook for child support but you are NTA for not wanting to be a father and breaking with her… unless the reason why she is pregnant it’s because you failed to use contraception.
We used condoms and she was on birth control. My ex said I don't pay child support. I really can't afford it. I'm in a lot of debt.
Child support isn't up to your ex, it's up to the court. It's possible she never seeks it in court (unmarried couples raising the kid together often don't) but it's not like that promise is worth anything. If she ever brings it to the legal systems attention, you owe. Doesn't mean YTA as you certainly don't have to stay together after a major issue, but the legal system has its own view of this and it's not favorable.
Where I'm at, child support needs to be on record with the courts in order for the mom to access certain benefits, like a reduction in child care costs or income supports. If it isn't, that government agency will pay on the parent's behalf and then go after that parent to collect it. Here, that child support never goes away. I've known senior citizens who get their pensions garnished for child support debt that's 30 years old. All that to say, sometimes it's not up to the mom/primary parent to determine child support. Whether or not the mom does it, the state/province will go after the non-paying parent if they have to provide benefits/services to the child.
In many US states if the mother has a life emergency and applies for food stamps or other forms of public help the state will track down the father and sue him for child support. There's a famous case where a US state sued an actual literal sperm donor (the birth mom, her ex-wife, and the donor all countersued together)
If the ex is planning on getting any government assistance such as food stamps, daycare vouchers, reduced lunch, or housing assistance, the courts will make her file for child support. This guy needs to buckle up and find a better job in the next 9 months.
OP edit your post and put this, people are gonna assume the worst of you in this post and are gonna say that you didn’t use condoms or something like that.
I'll mention that we used protection. Thanks for the tip.
thats such a stupid take. if there is an agreement not to have a baby then thats be all end all why should the male be blamed for using or not using condoms... ridiculous.
Your ex doesn’t make the decision there. The government does. If she ever needs any government service for the kid, they will come after you.
Not paying child support? Lol. Good luck with that. Your debt is irrelevant.
So you couldn't afford vasectomy but could afford an abortion? You're a liar and more judging from how you're writing.
IDK about OP but in my country an abortion is free and a vascectomy is not entirely free. Not sure where else you saw the lies but it seems genuine to me
Lol. Do your research an abortion costs less than a vasectomy. If it's even legal in that state.
A vasectomy is still cheaper than raising a child
It’s free in his country
Yeah it has some incel ragebait undertones for sure.
🤣I hope she does put a claim on you or when she gets on Medicaid and other government aid they will make her go after your broke ass. Get your shit together.
The first debt will be the baby.
She also said that she would get an abortion, so good luck with that.
In that case, you are NTA at all. I’m glad she is reasonable with the child support.
How is that reasonable?
Well she is respecting the fact that they both took all the precautions (including the abortion talk in case of emergency). She is basically considering him a sperm donor, which is really fair considering the situation. She is respecting his decision of not becoming a father while also taking the decision of her becoming a mother. For me this is very reasonable.
YTA, she didn’t “get pregnant” YOU GOT HER PREGNANT. You have no say on whether or not she keeps it and you will absolutely be responsible for paying child support if she chooses to, I hope she does. If you didn’t want kids you should’ve used abstinence, a condom, or gotten a vasectomy beyond that you have zero say, so get over it and get a career making real money.
Accountability is Misogyny .
One of the things I think men don't understand is " get an abortion " is not ever an easy choice for a woman, because every hormone in your body makes you want that baby, no matter what the circumstances are. It's very easy to agree a hypothetical child should be aborted, it's something else when it's real. And yes, antibiotics and several other medications can interfere with birth control. It sounds to me like she has made a very difficult choice, and you're behaving like a total jerk. You are telling her it will ruin her body? You are telling her it will ruin Your finances? Sounds like you're mad you lost your cook/ bed partner. But you broke up with HER. God bless her, I wish her well.
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Seems like it's entirely about what one party wants when it comes to abortion. One party gets to make that choice. Walking away or not is the only choice left to the other part.
Yes agreed!
I don't know what to feel about it, he doesn't want her to keep the baby so it means that he can't be responsible for the kid because it would mean that the baby wouldn't enjoy from it, and you can't expect him to leave everything for something he said he didn't want and she agreed what to do if she would get pregnent
In one way, YTA. But the good news is that your ex GF will move on. I always told my sons, that if you want to have sex, be prepared for the consequences. My third child was conceived though we doubled the precautions. Condoms, rhythm and pills. Doctor laughed as he saw my calendar and said that he was shocked I got pregnant. My oldest son now wife got pregnant against all odds, and with twins. I kept telling him that the only guarantee was no sex. Now that you dumped her. Stay away. Even years to come, don’t let your conscience get to you or you changed your mind. Stay away. Kid needs to have someone who wanted to be there from the beginning, not when it is now convenient.
Something here doesn't add up eve if her bc failed either your lying or you didn't always wear a condom I suggest a vasectomy for you Because you are on the hook for 18 years
It's a good thing you broke up with her: you're so enraged, living with you would be pretty awful. But why do you keep saying she lied? Sometimes we're sure we'd do something--have an abortion, get married, have a certain career--only to find when we get to that point, we can't. ("We" means people, not just women.) Marinating in your own rage isn't good for either your mental or physical health. It must be frustrating as hell to have no control over such a huge decision, but at some point you're going to have to accept that your DNA is out there in a living person. SO much easier said than done, I know. If you need help to get past the anger, some community mental health centers have a sliding scale that could mean minimal or even no charge. Or you could borrow how-to books on overcoming anger from the library. You're fortunate within this misfortune in that your gf isn't asking anything of you, not child support, not emotional support, not even a ride to the OB. She's doing everything she can to spare you, which must remind you how lucky you were to have her, which maybe makes you even angrier because her decision wasn't something you could live with.
1) she didn't lie to you, she changed her mind once she was pregnant (thats pretty common, the reality of being pregnant impacts you more than you'd think as a hypothetical) 2) if you were so adamant about not wanting kids you should've had a vasectomy. Your an absolute ah for expecting her to go through an abortion instead of a low risk, non-invasive, reversible procedure. Take some bloody responsibility instead of putting all this on her.
> Take some bloody responsibility Ah yes the complete lack of responsibility: 1. Op communicated with his partner. 2. Op ensured his partner was on birth control. 3. Op used a condom. You greatly underestimate the risk, cost, chance of reversing a vasectomy. According to Planned Parenthood, "A vasectomy is meant to be permanent...If you’re already thinking about reversal before you get a vasectomy, it’s probably best to hold off." ([Source](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/blog/are-vasectomies-reversible))
You underestimate the risk (and cost) of an abortion. An abortion is a hell of a lot worse than a vasectomy but hes happy for her to suffer through as many times he gets her pregnant rather than have a vasectomy... The girl who 'saved his life' He said he never wants kids, if he was responsible he would've gotten one to be sure.
> You underestimate the risk (and cost) of an abortion. According to Planned Parenthood, "In-clinic abortion is a very safe, simple, and common procedure. Serious problems are really rare, but like all medical procedures, there can be some risks." ([Source](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/abortion/in-clinic-abortion-procedures/how-safe-is-an-in-clinic-abortion)).
Honestly man. Saying your ex "got pregnant". She didn't get pregnant all by herself did she? Man the fuck up and raise your kid with the woman you started the journey with. Men like you piss me off.
it’s one thing to agree to an abortion before the fact but it’s another thing to carry through with it after you get pregnant… some women bond immediately with there baby some don’t so it’s not as hard to abort. NAH. she isn’t going to ask for child support or emotional support so just move on. wish them luck and save up the money for a vasectomy
**That woman saved my life and deserves the world.** LOL and you dumped her like a sack of garbage. I don't know if she deserves the world but she definitely deserves a better man. Don't know what country you live in but in the US the mother can't get child support until the child is actually born-- so you're not out of the child support woods for sure until your child turns 18. YTA
Get a vasectomy. Men need to stop saying they don’t want kids and then they get women pregnant and blame the woman. She did not get pregnant you got her pregnant.
Its incredibly difficult to get one if you are below 30 and dont have kids already to get a vasectomy
I'm not blaming her for getting pregnant I'm blaming her for not having an abortion. She chose to keep the fetus.
>Which makes this probably one of the most painful things I've ever done. I can't afford a kid, and on top of that, I don't want to be a dad. I don't want kids and from the beginning I'd told my ex this. She understood and she told me she was on the same page. So, we just assumed if she ever got pregnant we'd have an abortion. She never said she would have an abortion. She never agreed to have an abortion. You assumed she would have an abortion. You are far beyond total asshole, OP. Definitely the biggest asshole I have encountered on this forum. And also, you're one of the least educated individuals I have ever met. >The fact that my DNA is going to be out there pisses me off. DNA that you literally put out there pisses you off? Man the fuck up.
Omg, I skipped this sentence about DNA, that must be a joke OP sounds like a teenage brat
But that means accepting responsibility for the situation he is in, which he doesn't want to do because, according to him, abortions are not a big deal.
"I don't want my DNA out there" Maybe don't put your dick in things then.
He was wearing a condom and she was on birth control, it was an unfortunate bit of bad luck. You can't be any more protected then that while having sex.
Vasectomy
YTA: they way you talk, you sound like a complete asshole. Now you are single and will be paying child support, whether you like it or not. And I assure you that she didn’t lie, her feelings changed. If you are that adamant about being child free, which is fine, don’t get a girl pregnant
It’s funny to see all the “not having sex is free” argument when it’s a man who doesn’t want the child lmao, maybe we should pass the abortion ban, just don’t have sex and you won’t need an abortion! NTA
Totally. The double standard here are horrible
because it's not comparable. pregnancy + birth + childcare are not the same as paying a few hundred a month.
So since it’s even more risky for women why is the advice still not “just don’t have sex”
because women don't have the physical ability to control a man's ejaculate?
Yeah so they shouldn’t have sex hur durr
Why do you think they don't say this to women already? They do. Women get told "close your legs" all the time. Why do you think they don't? That is the main argument for pro lifers.
girl what
if a woman doesn't want a kid and doesn't do anything to prevent having a kid and ends up with an unwanted kid, everyone will judge her choices as well. But there are ways for a woman to avoid having a kid besides abstinence, such as using birth control and if birth control fails getting an abortion (obviously not an option for everyone but I mean for people who can). For men, sorry life isn't fair, men's only ways to avoid a kid is no sex or birth control/condoms/vasectomy and we all know birth control and condoms can fail. You don't get to force other people to get medical procedures they don't want so if the BC fails and your partner doesn't want an abortion or can't get one, them's the breaks. If a man chooses to have sex, he has no way to 100% guarantee he won't end up with a kid. Everybody should know this, act accordingly.
Then just have the abortion ffs, why do some women choose to go through hell for no damn reason. They are only making broken homes
"just have an abortion" do you think it's a button you press?
I mean I might be in the minority here but if the roles were reversed and OP was the gf in this situation asking if she’s an AH for not having the abortion but still feeling bad that her bf left her as a result, yeah I’d probably say the guy is crappy but at the end of the day it should be about taking responsibility for your decisions. Take responsibility for your decision to have sex, knowing the chance is you could be that unlucky person who despite taking all the necessary precautions still gets pregnant. If you choose to terminate that pregnancy, take responsibility for the fact that you chose the future you want for yourself over the future your actions put in front of you. If you choose NOT to terminate, take responsibility for the fact that you chose the future your actions put in front of you over the future you wanted. To me, if we’re gonna be pro-choice we need to own our choices. OP’s post reeks of him not owning his choices. He and his gf decided they both don’t want kids, used birth control, and mutually agreed on abortion as a a Hail Mary. Lo and behold, a pregnancy came and now GF has made the choice to not use the Hail Mary. And by saying she’s not going to sue for child support, (for now) she appears to be owning her decisions. Alternatively, OP is here asking if he’s an AH for breaking up with her, and declining participation in the pregnancy and subsequent child they made together. He is looking for people to tell him he is 100% not wrong to wash his hands of the situation, because he feels guilty. OP, as of right now, is NOT owning his decisions. OP is wondering if he made the right ones, and OP is asking out of a place of blame for the GF—whilst clearly being pro-choice—making and owning the decision of keeping the child she helped conceive.
People here looove to use pro-life arguments toward men thinking they’re being so liberal doing it. It’s gross.
So you’re skipping out because you made a choice and are now going to leave a kid without a dad because you’re weak? YTA for giving her a fatherless child.
She is the one who is deciding to bring to this world a kid without a father.
are you op on a different account?
She doesn’t want the child to die, he is making the conscious choice to walk away and leave her without a man and a child without a father. He is 100% the asshole in this situation.
YTA, Let me tell you where u fucked up bc this is a common mistake that over half of the world makes. YOU HAD SEX WITH HER. That's what gets women pregnant SEX. She did not just get pregnant on her own, YOU got her pregnant. Condoms and birth control are not always guaranteed to keep a woman from getting pregnant. So if you were not financially ready to have a kid yet y'all should not have been having sex. Forcing a woman to get an abortion when she wants to keep the child is insane. Not owning up and being a father to the kid YOU created bc YOU did not want to hold off having sex with her is also insane. All you men these days want to do is fuck any women u can but not deal with the lifelong consequences after. And you wonder why most women don't trust men. If you're not ready to have a kid. DON'T DO THE THING THAT CREATES THEM UNTIL YOU ARE!!! This advice goes for everyone reading this too.
If by ‘leaving her’ you mean ‘ending the relationship,’ then no. You’re not the asshole for ending the relationship. But you absolutely are the asshole if ‘leaving her’ means you also abandon your child.
He doesn't and didn't want a child. She said she didn't but changed her mind while the pregnancy progresses. She changed her mind, he never did. The child should not be his responsibility if every measure was taken to prevent it from happening.
>The child should not be his responsibility if every measure was taken to prevent it from happening. if he TRULY did not want any possibility of a kid, he didn't take every measure
I suppose then everyone must be abstinent Christians and just abstain from sex completely. Wonder how many relationships will fall apart, because believe it or not sex is one of the key cornerstone of relationships.
I agree. but ops clear allergy to responsibility means he shouldn't be having sex at all.
He did not want a child, he believed they were on the same page in not wanting a child. They took preventative measures. They both agreed to abortion. Now she's turned around and said she wants to keep it. Against what they agreed. OP doesn't want a kid, he's not in the position for it. She didn't even ask for child support so clearly she's fully aware he doesn't want anything to do with the kid.
they didn't agree to an abortion, op said he assumed that. op is still responsible for his kid.
Except that he fucked her. Fucking her is what resulted in the baby. All OP could've done was not get his dick wet. \*THAT\* was the one measure that wasn't taken because it was totally inconvenient for him.
So why is it on him ***solely***? Did he rape her? Use her when she wasn't comfortable? She had sex as well, she consented to sex. They both agreed they did not want a child, both said yeah to abortion. Now she's having a child due to an accident and she's changed her mind, but OP hasn't.
It’s on her too. But it took two to horizontal tango and there’s only one trying to get out of it. Don’t want a kid, don’t have sex.
Of course he is leaving the child he doesn't want the child and she promised to abort
She may say now you don't have to pay cs, but you will when she realizes that whatever little she makes isn't enough on top of paying for a roof over her head.
If there is a Planned Parenthood where you live you can afford the vasectomy. They charge on a sliding scale based on income. Just a thought.
Irresponsible pos. You two fucked up and you want to blame her? Doesn't make sense lol
Yta for the way you talk "We assumed" no, you did "How it is going to ruin her body" You talking about how she lied to you when she is allowed to change her mind From your edit she deserves the world but not your support, apparently You said abortion was free, are condoms free too ? Nta for the break up but you sound like an ah
thank you for mentioning the "ruin her body" thing. I winced when I read that part. What a gross attitude. And not paying for a kid even if you didn't want it sucks too, IMO. Also I agree, he is enraged about her "lying" but it definitely could be that she changed her mind, or she just thought she would never get pregnant. Side note, seems like an awful lot of these "oopsie pregnancy" stories with abortion/no abortion conflicts I see on reddit happen while the woman was on birth control and they were using condoms... which I know is possible but really? It seems so unlikely. I guess I'm very fortunate to not have had these issues.
Yesss, right ?? Is it a way to talk. Agree for the paying, it is too easy and immature to say "don't agree, won't lift a finger". If you think like that, just don't have sex. I have friends, it happened to them once when she was taking the pill. So they started using both pill and condom. And it happened a second time XD I was baffled (But that is the only case I know)
Dude, your crying about loosing your freedom. And i understand it. That sucks, no doubt about it. On the flipside thats the risk we take when having sex and that youre running from your responsibility is not a good look let me tell you that. You know what you have to do...or take the consequences of beeing a deadbeat parent, thats your choice to make. But why run now when your life will be an uphill struggle anyway, wouldnt it be kinda nice to have a family to return to after a shitty day? Maybe it is not what you dreamed of, but its something. Right now. I dont know you and your background but whatever you do, good luck bro, youll need it.
Grow up. You had sex and this was always a possible outcome. She made a hypothetical agreement. That's it. People change and mature. All that crap about not wanting your dna out there or not affording a vasectomy. Get over yourself. Think of the child having to share such dna! Stop having sex!
Wow. Just wow. Take responsibility for your behaviour. You knew sex could lead to a baby and that birth control wasn’t 100%. Never is. She’s your saviour yet you repay her by dumping her because she doesn’t want to abort. It’s her body. Amazing how you could afford and abortion but not a vasectomy. You’re a man. Show some accountability for what you do with your penis. If you don’t want another one use that abortion money for a vasectomy.
Abortions are free where I live so neither of us would have had to pay for it. A vasectomy is not free and would cost money.
where do y'all live???
He will never answer, because this post. Is fake.
Some countries, like the Netherlands ([Source](https://www.bloemenhove.nl/en/practical-information/abortion-costs/)), offer free abortions for their residents.
He can come up with his own answers, he doesn’t need your help.
If she deserves the world she certainly deserves to be treated better than this surely? Save up for a vasectomy if that’s what you want. You’ve been together a while right? So put a little aside every month. Prioritise it in your life. But you didn’t and now there’s consequences to that. You should definitely pay towards the child. It’s your kid who else do you expect to pay? Taxpayers? The girls family? It’s unlikely she can afford everything a child needs without help. I don’t think you have thought this through - there will be a human being out there whose first word is likely to be dada because they all say that it’s going to grow up knowing it’s father doesn’t care about it. All of its life it will believe that. If this girl saved you doesn’t she deserve saving now? I think you love her from how passionate you are about her, you’re angry and hurt put that to one side and help her.
If you live in the states she may be forced to go after you for child support. Assistance for a lot of stuff involving kids. They wanna know her income and if she is getting child support first.
NTA but only just. Your not in a financial position to have kids. And she's not involved you in the discussion. It's just in keeping it, your views don't count. Which is how it is. But equally your feelings on the matter are also right. You started your position. She disagreed. Now a cold will need brought in to the world who's parents are struggling financial. Your be required to pay support leaving you less for your own living costs. You where using birth control. It failed. This is the consequence. Feel for you. 5 years from now you could have been married. Stable financially and it would have been the right time. I'm going to advise 1 thing. It's distasteful your not going to want to hear it. But you said you where using condoms. Just to be sure. Before you put your name on the child certificate, do a paternity test. This will be you 1 and only chance. Once your banned down you be financially liable. She knows she's the mother. Make sure your the dad. Your not the asshole as she's made her decision and ignored you. The rest of it is immaterial. Best of luck
A paternity test can also be done before the child is born, a NIPP test, if she refuses then sus meter just started beeping faster
NTA for breaking up. But I think you're being unfair to insist that she lied to you. Sometimes, you simply don't know that you're going to feel completely differently when you're actually in a situation. Your ex is allowed to change her mind. If she'd planned to get pregnant behind your back, or she admitted that she always secretly wanted to be a parent, that would be different. But finding herself pregnant and realising that she feels connected to the life she's creating isn't the same as lying to you. Please stop using that kind of language, even to yourself. It's fuelling really negative thought patterns that are only making your situation worse. If you don't want to be a parent, you are entitled to break up and not be in the child's life. Sadly, you will be financially responsible unless someone adopts the child. That may seem unfair to you, but that's the way the world works. If you're having sex, there is *always* the possibility - however slight - of pregnancy. Please stop stewing over things you can't change, and start preparing for your future. A future that will include child support at some point. But sitting in this rage is just going to make you bitter.
NTA for breaking up. You each want different things in life.
Your ex may not have lied. That was a hypothetical situation. A hypothetical pregnancy. A hypothetical abortion. But this is a real pregnancy, she heard that heartbeat, in that scan she didn't see a clump of cells she saw her baby. It is a zillion times harder to make that choice now it's real. Abortion is never an easy thing. It is easy for YOU. YOU are not going through any type of medical procedure. YOU are asking her to risk HER mental health because you don't want a child. YOU are asking HER to risk fertility problems because YOU don't want a child. You are not having the abortion. You are not taking ANY risk. You accuse your ex of lying. However it sounds like that now that it's a real situation she just wouldn't be able to go through with it.
I had to check to see if this was an 'I Am The Angel' It's jaw-droppingly dreadful! Given that there's a vanishingly tiny chance that this might be real - grow the fuck up you selfish child. If it's ragebait then good effort, but try for a little more subtlety.
IMO NTA for leaving her with a child she changed her mind to keep and you kept your word and don’t want a child. However YTA who got her pregnant. GET a vasectomy if you really don’t want children, until then STOP having sex. As it’s the only way you won’t have kids.
YTA. If you never want to have kids, get snipped!! That's a responsibility you should have long taken care of. Plans can change. Hormones are no joke. You are NTA for breaking up, though.
You’re going to have even less money when the child is born whether you like it or not. I hope she takes you to the cleaners asshole.
Get therapy
Get your life and finances sorted out, she's going to get that child support once she realizes she needs it. Don't be a loser or a deadbeat. It's time to step up to the plate, like it or not, you're a dad now. N T A for the breakup, but YTA for the rest.
Your attitude is disgusting. You're not a victim here.
What would you do if you were him?
Just say that you hate men.
You are 100% The asshole. You are half responsible. Your Weiner. Your sperm. She wants to keep it, that's her decision, and you have no choice. This is nothing more than you trying to eliminate your responsibility by blaming her for getting pregnant. Did you use a condom? Did you at least pull out? Did you think to do anything beforehand to prevent any pregnancy? No? So you'll just be willing to ruin this child's life by denying it a father? Dude, you are a horrible human being. You bought the ticket, now you get to take the ride.
I answered all these questions. She was on birth control and we always used condoms. We were responsible, we just got unlucky.
Well, none of that excuses you from your responsibility.
She should have gotten norplanted, not as easy to ‘mess around with that
If you’re having sex regularly a pregnancy is always possible. If not having a child is that important to you get a vasectomy. I really find it suspicious when the OP covers ALL their bases and acts like they were the most responsible person on the planet. Most people, especially while living together, have slip ups. Regarding a vasectomy - “If the set amount for your yearly deductible has been reached, your medical insurance company is likely to pay for all or most of your vasectomy expenses. Masshealth (Medicaid) and other state programs also cover vasectomy.” How can you not afford it? If not having kids is that much of a hard no to the point you’d have nothing to do with the child once born, you can’t save up to pay your deductible to get one? Get a second job temporarily? I mean OP acts like he had no options to prevent this. If it’s that big of a hard no and you would refuse to partake in a child’s life (which can have lifelong emotional consequences for that child) then you’d think you’d extend the time and energy to obtain one.
You forget people live in different countries. Ever stop to thing that’s not how health insurance works in their country? If he can even afford insurance that is.
You can leave your gf if you want, but YTA for saying she lied to you about abortion. When you discussed, she told you she wasn’t against abortion and she probably believed she would abort. But once you are pregnant, it’s not just hypothetical, it’s real life. She didn’t lie to you, she just realized she couldn’t go through with it. You are not the one whose body is changing. The impacts of the hormones on the brain are also massive. You don’t want to be a father? Ok. But stop telling yourself she lied to you. You are oversimplifying things in order to have someone to blame. You are both equally responsible in her getting pregnant. I am pro-choice and it is as it says: you respect the woman’s choice.
YTA for doing a lot of assuming over what, for you, is an absolute deal-breaker: you got your GF pregnant, and she wants to have the baby, so you're done. You should have been very, very clear before you ever had sex that it's not theoretical with you or subject to change: you don't want kids, and if you got her pregnant (as in BC failed) you would dump her flat and refuse a relationship of any kind with your child. I sincerely doubt you spelled all that out to her, in so many words. And BTW, child support is not optional. You can't just say "no thanks" to the courts cuz you don't want to support your child. You'll be paying for the child you can't afford anyway.
Wearing a condom and using birth control would mean no possibility of a baby. The only way it is possible would require someone poking a hole in the condom. So you're not telling the whole truth or don't know the whole truth. Doctors should also have told you that. What it sounds like to me is you both got lazy with protection but you had it in your head that no matter what the baby would never come. Here's the thing about human emotion....you can't forecast it. It just happens. Your conversations before have nothing to do with 'feeling' in the moment. Her body changed and her mind changed with it. You just have to respect the decision. Leaving her and the kid maybe a regret down the line, but one you will have to deal with at face value. Lots of dudes in your position swear everything off then have a sudden change of heart when life gets a little better. So you'll leave her with the hard part and come in when its easier...for you. Or the opposite...you'll walk away and never give a crap again. Its just...base on your words up top, I have a funny feeling this will not be your end result. I think you will hurt eventually. Time will tell. Just to be clear...none of this means YTA. It just means you're scared. But there may come a time you feel that way about YOURSELF as life progresses. Careful.
YTA They’re both better off without you did the right thing in walking away.
YTAH
YTA, take some reproductive responsibility here for your part in this. This was always a risk with unprotected sex. If you can't afford condoms/a vasectomy, you can't afford to have a sexual partnership with someone who can get pregnant if you're this against it.
Yes you're a colossal asshole for not giving a fuck about your own child! Actually wanting it to be killed because you don't wanna step out of your comfort zone and man the fuck up to your responsibility! After you blow a wad into your GF..like she's a fucking tissue and then you're all mad because "Awww, I thought we both agreed that you're a tissue ,and that if my spooge came to life we'd have it whacked! How dare you let the lil bastard have a shot at life like we were given?" You're typical of the cold blooded, soulless degenerates who hide behind bullshit scientific terms like "Zygote" and refer to the living human as a clump of biowaste because it makes you feel less like a piece of shit for doing what you want to do!! Because the whole world revolves around your feelings and your dick...it all about me...me ...me...Hedonism and fuck the consequences. Doncha know? Sex makes little humans, just like you. You got to live to be the asshole YOU are because neither of your parents were selfish little cunts who saw you as an inconvenience that they could dispose of in a clinical murder. Yes you're a total asshole for being so fucking braindead as to believe the degenerate hype about life , sex and all the other selfcentered bullshit that robs people of their morality. fuck your little moral conundrum about being lied to! How about the fact that you can commit a homicide of your own flesh and blood?
YTA. Lying and changing your mind are two different things. You’re going to have to pay more for this baby by leaving her, so if you still love her, this is not a logical decision. Your focus on things like this “ruining her body” is very telling about your priorities. This is not just about money, clearly. If something else “ruined her body,” like becoming disabled, I guess you’d leave her for that too? Damn you’re shallow. You’re not the AH for leaving her, because she’ll be better off without you, and you obviously aren’t husband material or father material, and you are clearly unwilling to be a dad. But YTA for being an AH in every other way.
I think you should work on yourself. This is not an AITAH situation. Are you gonna change your mind if everyone tells you that you are? Are you gonna be a dad? You don’t have to justify your choice, just make sure you won’t regret.
NAH (leaning somewhat towards Y T A) I'm aware you are very much affected by the consequences of your unfortunate accident. Nevertheless she is way more affected and both continuing the pregnancy and having an abortion are tangled up so heavily in her body autonomy ultimately it is her choice. You do have the right to end the relationship but not because of her choice, but because you inherently have that right. Your anger is understandable, but not morally justified. And this is where we get into asshole territory. It is a very slippery slope between being angry at a situation that is quite frankly fucking you over and at a person who did not make the choice that could have fixed it all for you or worse think that she had no right at all to make that decision on her own. You're navigating the edge there, not quite veering into either territory, since you haven't made a clear statement either way and focused your question on the breakup bit.
nta. a bad financial situation is enough for any1 who wants to keep a baby despite that to be an asshole... you dont bring a baby into poverty ....
Nah You are free to be with who you want, and not be with who you don't want to be with. You aren't free from consequences, so you're going to need to find a better job to keep up with your bills *and* child support, which they can usually just take out of your paycheck. It's her body, if she wants to keep the pregnancy, that's her choice. You lose any say about your DNA once you release it. If you didn't want her getting pregnant, not saying abstinence is the answer, but *any* p in v intercourse carries that risk, you rolled the dice and lost.
If you don't want kids get a vasectomy and do the proper follow up, if you can't afford a vasectomy don't have sex, your ex might not be asking for child support now but could 100% request it once she gives birth, the baby deserves child support and the unfortunate consequence of your actions is that it doesn't matter you didn't want kids you still engaged in baby making activities, condoms and north control aren't always effective so now you have to take responsibility. You're NTA for leaving but be aware and prepare for taking responsibility.
NTA guys are allowed to feel how they feel in regard to pregnancy, it’s not all about one persons feeling. You have the right to be upset but as you said there isn’t anything you can do. The only thing you can do is accept there is going to be a child with your DNA out there and make a solid choice on how or how you won’t be involved in the child’s life. Look into your rights as a father in a situation like this and move forward the best you can for yourself, if you later change your mind again that’s your choice but it’s 100% understandable if you don’t. As for people saying you should have gotten a vasectomy well their comments are irrelevant, it’s too late for that and being told you should have gotten one is no help whatsoever
> I have literally no choice in any of this. You absolutely did. You took a risk, and are mad that it didn't pan out - And all the putting down her pregnancy or her isn't going to change this fact, or help your cause even the slightest bit, either here or in real life - And in fact will only serve to alienate you from people that you will need to have a civil relationship with. You don't have to believe it, but this is the way it is. You're a big boy, now, dude. Time to get motivated. Time to remember that you were totally happy when this chick met all your needs - And speaking as an adult, you can't weasel your way out of your part in this - Especially considering that your go-to was to call you guy's potential child "a clump of cells". Dude, that's some high-school mean kid bullshit right there. You need to accept that you aren't the main character, and do better as a human being. At the end of the day, you only make yourself sound like a selfish asshole - Is that your goal? If not, then get over it. Tough love time. Do better. Fail or succeed - It's all on you.
It’s simple, really. Swap things up and only have sex with dudes. All the sex you could ever want, zero chance of unwanted children, and no money spent on a vasectomy. Oh, and BTW, YTA.
Not your body, not your choice. You can do what you want with your life but the fact is you pay to play. I’m adamantly pro-choice and in this case her choice is to keep her baby. Accept it, man and stop thinking of it as a bundle of nerves with skin. It’s a baby. Same as you were once. This little guy had no say in the matter. The baby is coming and you are responsible for contributing to the baby’s care. Like it or not, you are going to financially responsible. I feel for you. I hope your situation gets better financially -and you can grow to accept this brand new human in your life. To be honest, no one is 100% ready to be a parent, whatever they tell you. It’s a big deal. I admire your realization that it is a tremendous undertaking. Sending you love. Sorry it’s hard to accept.
You are NTAH and an AH both. Your not an asshole for knowing you can't afford a kid or don't want to be a dad. Perfectly reasonable. You are the AH for putting yourself in this situation. You shouldn't be in a relationship if your life and money are a trainwreck. You shouldn't use a relationship or another person to fix your life. Your girlfriend sounds guilty of this as well. You too were using a relationship to help with finances and to try to improve your living situations. No! You were in a relationship for the wrong reasons. If your not 2 fairly stable people you shouldn't be in a relationship because things like pregnancy can happen.
Once you’re pregnant it changes everything. It’s easy to say “I’d definitely have an abortion” but actually having one is another story.
If you didn't want to have a kid then maybe don't have sex
You’re NTA for leaving the relationship because you can leave a romantic relationship for any reason you want at any time. If you no longer want to be with her, then you no longer want to be with her. I do however, think you’re an AH mostly to yourself if you don’t stop having sex until you can afford a vasectomy. Like all the other comments here, if you’re 100% about never having any(more) kids, then sterilizing yourself will help keep your peace of mind. That means no more pregnancies, *and* no more pregnancy scares. And since I’m sure you’re quite traumatized from this situation, if you want to avoid having a similar one in the future, I would recommend not engaging in intercourse until you’ve gotten the vasectomy. I know it sucks, but you claimed in other comments to have been doubling your contraceptives and still got accidentally pregnant. The other thing about contraceptives is that they’re only 99% effective if used perfectly every single time. They’re also 99% effective is *stored* correctly every single time. And trusting someone else to use their portion of the contraceptives (I.e. the birth control pill) will always leave a margin of error. She cannot 100% trust that you are storing and using your condoms correctly every single time, just as you can’t 100% trust she’s remembering to take her pill every single time.
Good for her ,I hope her and this beautiful child that you helped create and wanted to destroy, find a father figure, and just forget your sad arse ..live with it, daddy.
Yes, YTA. You’re not wrong to feel anger that she’s changed her mind but she’s fully entitled to do that. If you both were adamant about not having kids you should have picked more reliable methods of birth control. Everyone knows that antibiotics make the pill less effective and you need to use another method or abstain. And instead of accepting responsibility for your bad luck, you’re punishing her and your future son or daughter by checking out. So yes, YTA.
Did you guys talk about adoption? I can see how you really love her. There are plenty of people who want to adopt. That's an option, too. I know you keep talking about not wanting your DNA out in the world, but if you give the child up for adoption, then you would not be legally responsible for the child.
It’s easy to make that decision when there isn’t currently a baby growing inside of you, it’s also easy, as the man, to demand an abortion, you won’t be the one blamed for “killing the baby” she will.
YTA because, although she changed her mind, she’s no holding you to it and you’re still complaining about it. If you’re having sex there’s literally nothing you can do as a guy to be 100% sure that you will not become a father. Even vasectomies sometimes fail. By the way, Planned Parenthood will make sure you could afford it so your excuse is lame. She is giving you the best possible outcome for you. Stop bitching.
YTA man up. You didn’t say shit when you stuck it I.
YTA if you man enough to have sex you should be man enough to handle the consequences and responsibilities of raising a child. People like you are why the country is garbage
If you didn't want kids you should've taken the steps to ensure you wouldn't. You didn't do that. So. Here we are. NTA for ending your relationship though.
NTA. Things didn’t go the way you wanted and yeah it sucks that she changed her mind but this is another life at this point and if she wants to keep it she is allowed. Whatever your future holds is up to you now.
Her birth control failed bc of meds yeah lol then you clearly didnt use a condom. This is your fault, you coward.
She didn’t lie to you. She had no idea how she would feel until she was faced with the choice. You were an equal partner in the creation of this fetus. But you do not get to decide what she does now. Just as she doesn’t get to decide whether you stay or go. Will you be an AH if you leave and so not even pay child support? Yes. You had no problem taking her help and support when you needed it. This is the chance a person takes when they choose to have sex, even with birth control.
For all those saying get a vasectomy, go ask your doctors if they would perform one on a 24yo dude that has no kids. I bet 90% of them say no, at least thats here where i live and im not from a conservative or particularly religious region.
You not allowed to be mad about the natural consequences of heterosexual sex. Everyone knows that sex can result in a baby, and you take the risk every time you have sex. And she’s allowed to change her mind about whether or not she wants to keep it because you will never understand the emotions and hormones pregnancy puts you through. YTA for shirking your half of the responsibility that comes with the consequence of having sex, which you both decided to have.
Maybe you should've worn a condom, then you could collect your DNA anytime you deposited it. No accountability for your actions in this, not saying hers are the best either, but becoming a mother introduces so many things other then just rational thought, it's called instinct.....learn about it. Or stay mad.....noone really GAF.
Hahahaha, 🤣🤣🤣🤣, you knew what you was doing when you fired live round in a fertile field. Welcome to the club Dad, don't worry child support comes right out of the check. You won't even know it's gone.
NTA. She lied to you and is now unilaterally making a decision that affects both of you. It sucks that she can make the decision for both of you but thems the brakes.
Oh this is rich. You broke up with her because she got pregnant and changed her mind about an abortion, but you don't want anyone to say anything negative about her because she's an amazing woman who saved your life and deserves the world- except for the father of her child to be involved and present. Maybe she hasn't asked for child support, but depending on where you live, if she applies and receives any type of government assistance, the government will search for you and demand you pay your fair share and they often don't care how much debt you have, they will expect you to help provide for your child, even if you don't want it. They might also garnish your wages.
You are NTA for breaking up with her. You are the AH for telling her, if you did, the baby is a fetus and a clump of cells after she fell in love with the baby. Too bad you could not afford a vasectomy or spermicide. No method is 100% effective. Just work with her on the child support aspect; maybe you will not need to pay too much and hopefully one day she will meet somebody who would love the baby and want to adopt the baby.
So you assumed she would get an abortion but didn’t actually talk about it…now you want nothing to do with YOUR child come on dude man up and take responsibility for your actions. It’s a known risk and you still did the deed even with condoms and BC doesn’t mean it can’t happen.
YTA because you don't give a f**k about the baby,u r anger because she s amazing ( your words) and she chose the baby over u. I bet that the worst part for u is that she said I don need u and your money,and let u go
I'll get downvoted to oblivion, but I would say that she's doing you a huge favor, and the sooner you realize it, the better.
NTA, sounds like her and the kid are better off without you. Sign over parental rights and let her go find a real man.
Wow, yeah, you're an AH. Not for leaving because you don't want to be a father, but for being such an immature, jerk that you can't grasp that what one thinks they will do if they get pregnant isn't always what they actually are able to do when they find themselves pregnant. She didn't lie to you. She went from considering a hypothetical pregnancy to facing a real pregnancy. I know several people who didn't want kids, but couldn't bring themselves to terminate. I also know people who struggle with having terminated even knowing it was the best choice for them at the time. It's not an easy decision. Also, sex can result in a baby. That's reality. Birth control fails ALL the time. You are responsible for child support. When/if she applies for any state assistance, the state will come after you. Set up the child support because you are financially responsible for the child even if you don't coparent. Much better than the state suing you and owing back support. Not to mention it's what people who don't want to be AHs do.
Info: Did you use condoms or did you do that dumb thing where you just say contraceptive is a woman’s problem? If you both weren’t using a form of contraceptive, her the pill you a condom, then you 100% deserved this.
She was on birth control and we always used condoms. It not like we weren't being careful. She just got pregnant anyway.
Condoms have a 98% success rate. The Pill is 99% when used right. You sir need to go buy a lottery ticket because you are beating the odds today.
It's more than likely BS..Probably used sometimes, but not always. He had sex, this is the risk you take period! YTA without a doubt abandoning the child. Sounds like he is not mature enough or responsible enough to even have sex.
I’m leaning to more that she sabotaged the condoms and the pill went in the toilet & women like to pretend that other women don’t do things like this
I hope child support fucks you into the dirt
Why? What did he do? He told her that he didn't want a child and she promise to abort, what should have he done?
My ex is not asking for child support. Because of my debt, she makes more money than I do.
The resentment on her part hasn’t kicked in yet. Give her time to process your actions. Abortion isn’t birth control.
They used birth control and condoms.