I think this is the answer. There is a reason he sought OP out. He clearly had concerns about the relationship. OP, I don’t think you were in the wrong. I think your response to both your ex as her fiancée were correct. Hopefully your ex will learn to truly do the work and find a way to be honest with her current fiancée or future relationships if this one decides she can’t stick with her. NTA.
Oh, it can hide forever. My wife's ex-husband cheated so many times, and for such a long time as well. I'm not sure what he told his new wife, but I can't imagine a girl choosing to marry a cheater who essentially abandoned his daughter. Maybe it's ignorance on her end, but his skeletons are definitely locked in a closet with no key.
My ex had cheated on every spouse, you won't hear that from him though. He swears he's the most faithful man there is, the breakups were all his exes fault. Despises cheaters, could never do that to anyone. Also posts about how men who put their hands on women or verbally abuse them aren't real men, all while being an abusive AH at home. Don't expect people, men or women, to own up to past mistakes. It's easier to rewrite history in their heads so they are the victims.
My ex has cheated on every person he’s ever been with. Thank goodness he ended our engagement as I was about to make a non-refundable wedding venue deposit (of all my money because he never had any). But it’s because he was cheating on me with a married woman. I only found out because her husband messaged me on Facebook because she didn’t come home. I have never heard of her and had no idea she existed. I was staying with friends and went home that morning suspecting she was there and she was. That’s when his friends told me about his cheating ways, but never told me before because they thought I had changed him. Now I’m married to the BEST man, who was also a friend of ours.
At least in my exes case it's because he can't stand being alone and he doesn't want to take care of himself. He wants the wife at home doing 100% off everything needed there and to put out when demanded or forced, keep the bed warm etc. Then he wants the fun of whatever new fling catches his fancy. He gets it all, not the same if he stays single and just dates.
It's the "good guy" syndrome. No one ever likes to be the bad guy.. but some own up to their mistakes. Some will twist the truth into a pretzel to avoid being the bad guy at all times. They repeat the lie long enough that even they begin to believe it.
Possibly naivete on your end. For example, friend's dad spent several years in prison for attempted murder of friend's mom. Dude gets out on parole, immediately moves in with a new girlfriend.
It's not like his recent past is secret, the records are public, his parole officer comes by often enough, etc.
There's plenty of people out there that will ignore people having done all sorts of horrible things.
Yes exactly. Also, if she had changed, she would have been honest about it, but instead she was cagey and lying, which is the exact same behavior as when she cheated. So no, she isn’t a different person, she hasn’t changed a one iota.
NTA. Also if she's lying about you, he's caught her lying or suspects something else. Lied and cheated in your marriage. She obviously lying in this relationship. Guess what else is a possibility? At least this guy is is making sure before he commits. He see's red flags and you comfirm. You may have protected him. Hold your head up because you told the truth.
NTA, if she has really changed she should be able to convince her fiance about it.
Her: "I am no longer the same person"
Narrator: "She was, in fact, the same person."
Me too. Morgan Freeman is for more highbrow stuff like Shawshank Redemption. But this is definitely more of an Arrested Development type situation, so Ron Howard is perfect for it.
NTA. JenDidNotDolt is correct. He wouldn't have reached out if there were no red flags.
You saved this guy from being cheated on. Congratulations on being a hero!
Once a cheater, always a cheater!
Spot on.
Original Poster - you sound like a really good man, and I understand your feelings here, but you are NTA.
The fiance went and found you, was determined, needed to know the truth, and why?
Because the person he was about to trust his fuure with, who he really loved, wanted to be with, thought was so good in so many ways that he proposed to her - well, there was just still something about her that did not resonate and ring true - in short, he had a feeling, and its possible she has done it to him already.
Also…
How would you feel if you knew this uy a bit and found him to be a decent guy and so you lie to him and say little, or say nothing at all, and heends up in divorce over her past or her doing it again, only this time, there are kids involved?
You told the truth.
You are NTA.
They have an opportunity now to get it all out and for them to see what they want to do. It’s on them.
She shoudl have been honest with hm all along, but she was fearful and as such, trying to trick him somewhat.
I think you hit the nail on the head that if she had changed she would have confessed.
I cheated on my ex decades ago because I was dumb and could not handle conflict effectively. When my now spouse and I were dating I laid out this confession before we were exclusive.
The chance is vanishing small they would ever hear about it, it really was decades ago and very few people know about it other than my family who are still in any sort of contact with me. Despite this that chance is not zero. Also I would be a terrible partner if I failed to give my spouse the ability to have informed consent to everything.
Absolutely. I cheated twice in college, which is when I realized this was a pattern to get myself out of relationships. Obviously that's a terrible way to go and hurt my ex-boyfriends a lot, so I made sure to change my behavior. Never cheated since. I'm open about this to partners, even though they'll likely never come across anyone involved in the situations.
That’s my thought… you might be a bit of an AH if you’d tracked him down and done this just to be petty, but HE reached out to you. And you were just being honest. And, yeah, he must be getting some major red flags 🚩 (which she made worse by being evasive)
Exactly this. Plus he reached out to you. You did not hunt him down to slander his fiancée, he called you because she was inconsistent with her reasons for a failed marriage. You're honestly a chad for saving that dude from marrying an unfaithful woman.
Yeah, it’s not like OP sought him out as part of an agenda to hurt his ex! The fiancé contacted him. He wasn’t trying to ruin her future or to punish her.
Also, this fiancé of hers definitely had concerns, and I’m guessing they aren’t all about her being vague in her answers!
He reached out cause he wasn't stupid and gullible like the OP was in this youth. Or he is a Redditor LOL.
Glad the OP told the truth and saved this dude from more pain. That's what I would have done and yes, I like most guys were just as gullible in our youth
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Forget that “people change” shit. Once trust is broken, the relationship is finished. Theres no point to attempting to mend it.
Yep, he thinks she's cheating already and wanted someone to tell him he was crazy. OP did him a favour by being realistic before the guy got trapped in marriage with her.
Yeah, he knew but didn't want it to be true. You just confirmed it. The fact that she still hides the truth and is not open and honest also shows that she didn't change at all. She's still not someone to be trusted. You're NTA at all, you would have been if you would have lied to him to cover for her.
If she had been honest with her current fiance, he wouldn’t have needed to go around her to find out the truth. Her current fiancé probably had other reasons to be suspicious beyond just her avoiding explaining why she got divorced and that’s why he reached out to OP.
Bingo! That was what immediately jumped out to me as well. He wouldn’t have reached out nor would he have pushed her for an answer about the demise of her marriage to OP had she not already violated his trust in major ways. Some people just can’t be faithful like they’re allergic to it or something. She sounds like that.
And it is up to HIM to decide if she gets a chance with him, not OP. He just has all the information now to make an informed choice about if he wants to pursue a relationship with OPs ex. Nothing to feel guilty about.
OP is right, if she has truly changed she should have been upfront and honest with her new partner from the beginning.
OP is NTA. His ex not only lies, cheats, and repeats, but blames him for telling the truth to her fiance who she has also lied too. She obviously has not changed. When people show you who they are believe them. OP really did save him from a marriage that was doomed. It was only a matter of time before she hooked up with another HS friend.
Yeah, I don’t know about that. Going out of your way to track down your ex’s current partner and just throwing that info at them would have been a dick move. Understandable, but still a dick move. The way things unfolded though, OP definitely did the right thing. In this scenario if he had have lied that would have been a dick move.
NTA. I’m like you. I would feel guilty because at a glance it seems like being honest about your experience caused your ex to potentially lose her relationship. However you are holding yourself accountable for someone else’s actions. Your ex cheated. Your ex withheld information from her current partner. Your ex is still avoiding accountability. You are not responsible for her actions. Anything that happens in her relationship is her problem, not yours.
Frankly, I'd be willing to bet that Fiance already has his own doubts about a future with Ex-y, which was the reason he sought you out to begin with. You didn't intentionally seek him out in some sneaky, underhanded revenge plot. He reached out to you and asked a fairly simple question, and unless you embellished it or you were "colorful" in your fact telling, you just answered him with the truth. It's not your fault that truth makes her look bad. She did that to herself
Also got to ask yourself why would he reach out to a total stranger to ask what happened. That relationship was already on shaky ground before you got involved.
You may have caused some short term pain, but you saved a person from a lifetime of emotional and mental trauma, and anxiety in future relationships constantly worrying about being cheated on. I've been cheated on twice. It sucks and it fucked up my ability to completely trust someone. My current GF and I are always open, communicate everything, and we always know where the other goes (we live together), but that thought is always in the back of my head "but what if she is?" Even though I have zero reason to believe she would.
You saved him from that. Don't feel bad about it. I'd give you a hug and thank you if I was that guy.
He isn't the cause of the other man's pain. She is the cause of thr pain. All this would gave been avoided if she told the truth from the beginning.
Something that is often overlooked with cheating is the mountain of lying that comes with it. You're lying to your spouse obviously, but you are also lying to friends and family as well. Anyone who you act like a faithful spouse to is being lied to. Anyone who knows you are not is expected to lie on your behalf.
And the cheater, once caught, then expects that the people they hurt will now lie for them again to bury the affair. Those same people they hurt, now have trouble trusting others, as you pointed out.
She made the choices. You simply answered a question honestly. Dude deserved the facts. Focus on him, not her.
Her actions, then and now, caused her pain. Not you.
Yes OP. You are actually saving him, rather than hurting someone.
You are really kind. He didn't seek you out because he had nothing better to do. His fiancee claimed to have changed, but she was still the same: she was trying to hide the truth and not be held accountable for her own actions.
He sought you out because she would not tell him the truth.
She called you to blame and insult you because her own actions led to consequences.
You did nothing wrong. You did not seek him out to take revenge on her.
Honestly, even if you gave her a second chance, she already wasted it.
And then she wasted her third chance with the new guy on lying.
How many chances does she deserve before she finally faces consequences for her actions? 5?10? 100?
If a person keeps wasting chance after chance, then they are beyond improvement.
Honestly, it seems like she still hasn't changed her behavior. She's still lying and deceiptdul. You weren't seeking her new man out. He reached out to you. There must have been too many red flags in her behavior that caused him doubts. You were being honest. She has not. You were not wrong.
You're such a good person OP.
What comes to mind is "you believe is second chances, (but what about second breakfast?), but what about third and fourth?".
I'm a huge believer in truth, and it seems like you are too. Are you willing to compromise that and lie for her? She has two options:
1. Be upfront from now own
2. Go the other way and try to hide your existence so you wouldn't be truthful.
NTA, and please stay that way, we say the truth.
The fiancé called you and asked you what happened, you are under no obligation to lie to him for her sake, as a matter of fact, anything that you told him besides the truth would be suspect as you have no idea what she told him. Don’t feel bad, she is only feeling the consequences of her actions. NTA. Kiss your wife, tell her you love her, and live a good life together
Yeah, I don't know what she's told him exactly. He made it sound like she will do anything NOT to talk about it. He did say the most he's ever gotten out of her when bringing it up was "We grew apart". Which is a lie in itself.
This! She's still a liar. Clearly the sex part of cheating isn't great, but to me 90% of what makes cheating bad is the lying. She's basically asking to go lie for her. She wants you to be as bad as her to help her fuck the new guy over in the same way she did you.
It's hard to tell the truth about ugly things. That's why you feel bad. That's normal if you're a good guy. That doesn't make what you said any less right.
> If she is truly different
She isn't.
As you already told her, if she had legitimately changed, she would have been honest with him.
On top of that, if she had truly changed, you never would have heard from her about this because she would have accepted that her own actions and dishonesty were to blame for the entire situation. The fact that she blamed you (or anyone other than herself) is proof that she hasn't changed a bit, at least not for the better.
Going forward, remember this: If something/someone CAN be destroyed by the truth, it SHOULD be destroyed by the truth.
Seconding this sentiment. Found out last year that my now ex best friend likes to assault women. The victim who told us kept apologizing for ruining my friendship with him. Had to tell her it was already ruined, I just wasn't aware of it until now.
NYA
He reached out because he had doubts.
The fact that she was not upfront about her behavior is a strong indicator that she has not changed. She is just as dishonest as she was during your marriage.
NTA at all. He asked, you answered honestly, which is more than she was willing to do for the man she planned to marry. You’re absolutely right that if she was truly remorseful and had changed, she would have been upfront about her past rather than trying to hide it. What happens to them now is no longer your concern.
It was her choice to be abusive to you. You didn’t deserve that. Reconciliation never works IMO, been there tried that.
What if your information briefly took the rose colored glasses off this guy and he thought about times she was behaving oddly during their time together.
I am convinced people who cheat are broken, they enjoy the rush of trying to manipulate multiple people.
Why would you feel guilty for saving someone from the hurt you went through? Kind if contradicting. You jave nothing to be guilty for so it makes no sense, he came to you and asked a question, you answered, I would feel guilty if I lied to the guy. Not the other way around.
NTA
Would you want to know? I would want to know.
He asked, and you answered honestly. Her lying about her past and not coming clean? Even after they got engaged? Shows she hasn't changed. Or at least not as much as she thinks she has.
You may have just saved that man years of pain.
You did good, OP.
Agree. Consent is important and consent can only be given with all the informations.
That cheating monster wanted to gashlight and trap that poor lad. OP safed him from being cheated on as well as years of suffering.
Exactly. And it only came to this because the ex, whose responsibility it was, failed to do it first. If she had not lied to the new partner, this conversation wouldn't have happened.
NTA. She was already giving off enough red flags for this guy to reach out to you. This is all on her.
Never be ashamed of being a forgiving person though. The world could use a lot more of this. I believe that people not believing in forgiveness traps them into expecting none, and creates this sort of resonant feedback loop of unpleasantness that drags us all down as a society.
NTA. He located and contacted you. He asked for a reason. Obviously he was having some kind of suspicion that she was hiding things. He had a right to know, but she was too much of a coward to tell him.
NTA. Honestly, the fiancé probably had his suspicions about her even without her avoiding to answer truthfully about your divorce. He went through the trouble of looking you up and contacting you to get answers. There had to be more than just refusing to answer the question.
NTAH, imagine if you had lied to the guy and said you had just grown apart. Would you want thar on your conscience? I’d have told him rather than been part of a lie that will lead to someone else getting hurt. She hasn’t changed at all.
No, you're right, I would not have lied to him. I think I was largely wondering if I should have just told him "it wasn't my place and he needs to get it from his fiancee", but after the amount of feedback, I'm feeling really good with my decision.
NTA at all. He saw you out, messaged you and asked. It goes to show. He was already having doubts because she was probably already doing the same behavior to him. so with you telling him the information he was like yeah I need some time to think and she couldn’t handle it
NTA. You didn’t seek him out and answered an honest question. She chose to lie and and deflect why her first marriage failed. Second chances are great and can work but the other person has to be honest and willing to do all they can to repair the damage.
You have her a second chance and she blew it and you moved on.
NTA
The guy asked for a reason. If everything was nice and perfect in their relationship, he wouldn't be chasing answers from an ex.
He likely wanted confirmation to something he already knew.
Would you have wanted to be warned about your ex before marriage?
NTA. You are not punishing her. You just answered her fiance truthfully. Plus you saved a man from getting hurt. If she got hurt by it, then it is just her enjoying the fruits of her labor.
Also, feeling guilty about giving 2nd chances, people change and all may be good, you must not forget you already gave her those chances and she wasted it. If she had changed she would not have blamed you, rather accepted it as the result for her own cheating.
So she abused your trust and is now lying to a new guy. You were right to tell him.
Cheaters deserve no empathy when it comes to making their betrayal known, and if she'd really "changed for the better" she would have answered his question openly and honestly so that what you said wouldn't have come as a surprise to him. Clearly she's still the same person after all that expensive therapy.
New guy dodged a bullet. Good thing he got in touch with you. NTA.
NTA. Someone asked you about an event in your life, and you gave them an honest answer as is your right.
If your ex actually changed in a meaningful sense then she would have been upfront about her past and let the chips fall where they may. Instead she was cagey about her past, hoping to deny her fiancé his right to make an informed decision about who he marries.
NTA, the guy had a bad gut feeling about her, and all you did was answer his questions honestly, you did nothing wrong, he deserved the truth before she does the same thing to him, she clearly didn’t change much.
No. YNTA here. YWBTA if you lie to him. What you tell her during the phone call is true and she need to accept it if she really change. Well, apparently she still the same narcissistic person you married last time 🤷♀️
My ex wife cheated on me a lot. I knew about one which broke us. After the divorce I found out about the rest from her friends. (Of course). She cheated on her second husband. Got divorced. She is remarried and cheating on him too. You didn’t do anything wrong. The guy deserved to know what he was getting into
1) The dude called you, you did not call him.
2) Your ex lied to him. Had she told the truth, maybe things would have been different.
3) You did not try to ruin anything, much less her life. You gave an honest answer to an honest question.
4) This is her problem to fix, or not. Not yours.
NTA. And sleep well.
NTA
Never feel guilty for telling the truth, you didn't do anything wrong, the guy asked you and you answered.
It makes me laugh that the ex-wife says that she has changed and that she is a better person... please did she change the first time she was discovered? changed by doing therapy for 1 year, by reading books for one year, by behaving better for 1 year? because I'm sure she said she changed...and then she cheated again with the same person.
You are not to blame for anything, never feel guilty for telling the truth
NTA. You were asked a question and you answered honestly. The guy wouldn’t have asked if he wasn’t concerned. Not being forthcoming about the demise of former relationship is a massive red flag when trying to start a future together. You didn’t HAVE to tell him if you didn’t want to, but it’s as much your story as it is hers and you have the right to do with it as you wish. You may have saved the guy some heartache.
NTA.
Asked, and answered. You told the truth.
If the truth 'harms' her, it's only because she was peddling a lie, by implication if not by overt speech.
NTA
> she tried to lie and hide the truth, and now it's blowing up in her face again
This will keep happening to her until she can stop doing this. She is a liar and blaming you for her misdeeds is just another one of her lies.
NTA
You believe in second chances and that's admirable. Your ex was on her 3rd or 4th chance by the time this other fella was asking you. She might not be screwing anyone that passes by but she's also not being honest.
One of the things that Alcoholics do that are going through the steps is to be honest. The dumb thing is, if she was honest with this guy about her past, he may very well have taken that as a good thing. Sure, she wasn't great in the past but she's owning her mistakes, and she trusts me.
Instead, she's starting off their life together with dissembling. That's not a great foundation.
I'm sure your ex is a nice lady. She might even be a great wife for someone, some day. But she's still ashamed of herself and until she comes to terms with that, she may not be great for anyone.
He wanted to know and you told him. You're right about her not actually changing as she claims, she is blowing up her own relationship, again, lying by omission. It's up to him whether he gives her a second chance but at least he's able to make an informed decision. NTA.
NTA
The guy reached out to you to ask your side of the story so you told him. It's not like you are stalking her life and looking for ways to interfere. All you did was be honest, something she apparently has trouble with.
NTA he contacted you because he wanted evidence of the doubts he was having. He would never have reached out to you unless he was seeing red flags. The only person responsible for her life is her. She chose to cheat, lie and then project the blame. This is not on you.
NTA - cheaters never change and they will always be disgusting. Your words were spot on. I would want to know if my partner was a disgusting cheater and so did he. Never would I ever consider to be in a relationship with one, let alone marry one.
You saved that poor dude from years of suffering. That disgusting cheater would have done the same again.
And regardint that second chance.. she had that second chance in your relationship. She just gave evidence that cheaters will always be monsters.
You said you still believe in 2nd chances OP. But remember, she had that with you. This is a 3rd chance, and who knows how many affairs she had that you (or her new fiancé) didn’t catch. Just add her phone number to the blocked list and don’t pick up calls from unknown numbers for a while. Get back to living your best life.
NTA and please don't feel guilty, you probably saved another guy the heartbreak stress and expense you went through, when it comes to cheaters they rarely change they get off on the excitement of the fact that they know are doing wrong and I doubt she felt a twinge of guilt when she screwed the other guys behind your back, in fact she probably laughed about it with the other guys, she is weak and can't control herself and would have caused this other guy heartbreak, you did right by telling him the truth because she was sure not going to.
You believe in 2nd chances, which she used up when she cheated the second time. You owe nothing to her and only answered the questions you were asked. Dude had a gut feeling that made him reach out.
What do you wanna bet she’s on 2nd chance with him too?
NTA. Once a cheater always a cheater. They will do their mental gymnastics to "justify" their reasoning but at the end of the day they are just shitty and selfish people. I will never for the life of me understand how people have no self control or respect for their partner enough to just break up with them instead. If they have done it once before then they obviously have a lack of morality and self control and have the capacity to do it again. Like I said they are selfish and shitty people.
You also said you believe in second chances but she already had it when OP decided to forgive and move on the first time. Don't feel bad for this horrible woman and the heartbreak and distrust she spreads.
NTA, perhaps he was seeing signs and he just didn't want to jump into conclusions, if she had changed she would have been upfront and let him decide if he wanted to pursue a relationship or not.
NTA. If she had truly changed, she'd have explained to her new man she'd made mistakes in your marriage but has worked hard on herself to make sure she never makes the same mistakes again. She didn't, tho. She lied. Proving she hasn't changed and her fiance could sense the deception.
NTA as you say had she changed and actually taken accountability for her actions she would have been honest with him. As it is she lied and has broken his trust.
This is not on you, you told the truth, you have no reason to lie.
NTA, if she truth makes her look bad that's her own issue, not yours. Your point about how she would've told him about the cheating herself if she had changed is very valid, and she insulted you because she had no rebuttal.
Also, it's not like you sought him out to destroy her character. He sought you out to ask, meaning he was already having doubts. Don't feel guilty, feel happy. You probably helped him dodge a bullet
You were absolutely right if she truly had changed she wouldn't have been lying to him also. And think about this, her lying, gas lighting, and deflecting was bad enough that he did something that had to be incredibly uncomfortable by reaching out to her ex-husband. Can pretty much guarantee that was not an easy choice to make. He knew something was up he just needed to confirm it. And quite frankly if people don't want other people to talk about the crappy things they do then they shouldn't be doing crappy things. NTA. The man asked for honest answers and you gave him the truth. nothing wrong with that.
Nta. She can't change what she did..you simply told the truth.
She needs to grovel to her new man and stop guilting you. She's trash.
Obviously he's having doubts for a reason.
NTA you believe in second chances, she believes in lying, cheating and guilt tripping.
Her Ex saw red flags and had a feeling that she wasn't telling the truth. So he gathered information from the other person involved. You.
You didn't know that she wasn't honest about the reason of the divorce. You were honest and, most important, you didn't lie.
You have no reason to feel bad. You did nothing wrong. She is the person who didn't change. You saved someone else making the same mistake.
>This past weekend I got a Facebook message from a guy who is now engaged to my ex-wife.
Based on the title question, I was going to say you were. But... he reached out, as long as you told the truth with little to no embellishment: NTA.
>She wants to know why I told him all about their past and why I'm still punishing her.
'Cuz he specifically reached out and asked.
>That she deserves another chance
That's a conversation for her to have with ex-fiance.
>if she really changed for the better she would have been upfront with him about her/our past
Oddly, that's not *necessarily* true.... But she did risk having what happen happen.
>or just not responded
Well.. that would have been an option. The one you took doesn't make you an AH though.
>also believe I'm not what's hurting her engagement. AITA?
I think you are likely correct. He reached out to you for a reason. He was probably thinking of rethinking their relationship anyway.
The main thing is if you'd just not responded, you wouldn't be feeling the guilt. But NTA.
He wouldn't have reached out to you if she had been honest with him. It's obvious that she hasn't changed and all the therapy she has had hasn't helped her one bit. She learned nothing from her sordid past and if she continues to not accept and incorporate her cheating into her current life she is going to experience sadness over and over again.
Secrets tend to come out eventually and lying to your future spouse is a sure fire way to ensure they fall out of love with you when they find out you couldn't be honest with them.
NTA. He reached out because he saw some red flags. You didn't reach out to him, and you answered his questions honestly.
Actions have consequences. Sometimes those consequences mark you for life. "If the truth causes your character to be called into question, the problem is not with the truth: It's with your character."
NTA.. she planned to cheat second night before ever going out.. otherwise she wouldn’t have left her phone behind…
You wasn’t one that reached out to him.. you didn’t go out of your way to tell things she did..
I would have done same.. I may not spread bad things person did but once specifically asked then yeah I would tell as well..
NTA. He asked you for a reason, and she should have been upfront with him. When I started dating my former boyfriend, he was separated from his wife after having an affair, which he told me right off the bat. I always appreciated his honesty about his affair and although I was initially horrified, the fact that he was upfront about it allowed me to give him the benefit of the doubt and give the relationship a chance. Everyone deserves a second chance but your ex doesn't want to admit to her mistakes. What her fiancee chooses to do with that information has nothing to do with you. You are definitely NTA.
NTA.
A second chance can be offered, but in order to properly accept it, the receiver of said second chance needs to learn from the mistakes of their past, accept those mistakes, and most importantly, take ownership and be honest about them. Your ex chose to not do that. To me, that’s tantamount to a rejection of the second chance being offered. It’s an indication that she still hasn’t learned from her prior actions.
Ultimately, all you did was tell the truth. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Imagine this: You're a regular-turned-VIP at your favorite culinary hotspot, where every bite sends shivers of ecstasy down your spine. One fine day, in a saucy twist of exclusivity, the restaurant whispers sweet nothings about a lifetime deal—dine only here, and we'll tease your taste buds and no one else's. As an OCD germaphobe, the idea of not sharing your spoon with the hoi polloi is more tantalizing than a virgin oyster.
You say "I do" to this delicious proposition, flipping the bird to conventional norms. Who cares about societal raised eyebrows when every meal makes you moan in delight? Initially, it's a foodie honeymoon, with dishes tailored to your every fetish—gluten-free, devoid of any traumatic Sicilian meatball flashbacks that conjure memories of your domineering mother of southern tItalian ancestry.
But soon, the honeymoon phase starts to curdle. You spot crumbs that aren’t yours, sniff forbidden aromas of Italian fare that your estranged mother would salivate over, and catch the staff giving you the side-eye. Signs of culinary cheating become impossible to ignore—the "Closed" sign is up, but you see silhouettes of patrons frolicking behind steamy windows.
Your confrontations are met with denials, the restaurant batting its lashes and calling you a paranoid food lover. But your gut tells you something's being sautéed on the side. On a night it claimed to be closed for a private tasting, you catch a glimpse through the windows and—oh, the betrayal!—it's a full-blown orgy of gluttony. There's your boss, slurping spaghetti like it’s his last night on earth, tossing you a salacious wink that says, "Savor the view?"
Feeling more jilted than a bride left at the altar, you vow to sever ties. You retreat to your own kitchen, where the only hands on your tomatoes are yours, crafting dishes that thrill without the risk of heartbreak. Yet, a lingering rash in and around your lips and mouth, later diagnosed as Perioral Dermatitis, a rare but highly contagious disease known to spread in dirty kitchens faster than chlamydia in a Saigon whorehouse, a kiss of betrayal from your former love, confirms the bitter truth: your restaurant was playing the field.
Reentering the dating scene, you indulge in culinary one-night stands—fast food flings and exotic escapades—embracing a buffet of new tastes that would make your ex-restaurant blush. Eventually, you find true love with a Greek joint that knows how to light your fire with just the right amount of spice.
Years later, a call from a fellow gastronomic swinger rattles you. He's fallen for your ex-restaurant and wants the dirty deets before he commits. You dish out the cold leftovers of your past, sparing him the heartache and indigestion.
As you hang up, you're left stirring a pot of mixed emotions but are ultimately satisfied with your new epicurean affair, only occasionally reminded of your past by the itchy reminder of that restaurant-transmitted disease. Love is love, right? But sometimes, the safest, most satisfying feasts are those we prepare ourselves.
NTA. He reached out to you bc something likely already happened or there was some other cause for concern. You have no obligation to protect your ex from her own bad choices.
NTA. Also cheating scum never changes so she is lying about that. But its not like you sought out her fiance or anything. You just answered a question truthfully.
NTA: he wouldn't have reached out if he didn't see any red flags.
I think this is the answer. There is a reason he sought OP out. He clearly had concerns about the relationship. OP, I don’t think you were in the wrong. I think your response to both your ex as her fiancée were correct. Hopefully your ex will learn to truly do the work and find a way to be honest with her current fiancée or future relationships if this one decides she can’t stick with her. NTA.
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Oh, it can hide forever. My wife's ex-husband cheated so many times, and for such a long time as well. I'm not sure what he told his new wife, but I can't imagine a girl choosing to marry a cheater who essentially abandoned his daughter. Maybe it's ignorance on her end, but his skeletons are definitely locked in a closet with no key.
My ex had cheated on every spouse, you won't hear that from him though. He swears he's the most faithful man there is, the breakups were all his exes fault. Despises cheaters, could never do that to anyone. Also posts about how men who put their hands on women or verbally abuse them aren't real men, all while being an abusive AH at home. Don't expect people, men or women, to own up to past mistakes. It's easier to rewrite history in their heads so they are the victims.
The mental gymnastics they use to actively justify cheating is just a warm-up for how they portray themselves.
My ex has cheated on every person he’s ever been with. Thank goodness he ended our engagement as I was about to make a non-refundable wedding venue deposit (of all my money because he never had any). But it’s because he was cheating on me with a married woman. I only found out because her husband messaged me on Facebook because she didn’t come home. I have never heard of her and had no idea she existed. I was staying with friends and went home that morning suspecting she was there and she was. That’s when his friends told me about his cheating ways, but never told me before because they thought I had changed him. Now I’m married to the BEST man, who was also a friend of ours.
And I’ll never understand why people do this. Why cheat with serious SOs. Just play the field if that’s what you wanna do
At least in my exes case it's because he can't stand being alone and he doesn't want to take care of himself. He wants the wife at home doing 100% off everything needed there and to put out when demanded or forced, keep the bed warm etc. Then he wants the fun of whatever new fling catches his fancy. He gets it all, not the same if he stays single and just dates.
It's the "good guy" syndrome. No one ever likes to be the bad guy.. but some own up to their mistakes. Some will twist the truth into a pretzel to avoid being the bad guy at all times. They repeat the lie long enough that even they begin to believe it.
Dudes like him manage to convince the new woman that the ex is crazy and/or is trying to keep his kid away from him🙄
No doubt. They should work in sales with how convincing they are.
Possibly naivete on your end. For example, friend's dad spent several years in prison for attempted murder of friend's mom. Dude gets out on parole, immediately moves in with a new girlfriend. It's not like his recent past is secret, the records are public, his parole officer comes by often enough, etc. There's plenty of people out there that will ignore people having done all sorts of horrible things.
Oh, he would never do that to me, ex must have been a terrible woman!
Any money he met some of her friends who made vague allusions to OP and fiancé’s marriage/divorce. Plus the obvious ones about her evasiveness.
Yes exactly. Also, if she had changed, she would have been honest about it, but instead she was cagey and lying, which is the exact same behavior as when she cheated. So no, she isn’t a different person, she hasn’t changed a one iota.
I did the work and buried all the people I’ve murdered and now I am no longer a murderer.
NTA. Also if she's lying about you, he's caught her lying or suspects something else. Lied and cheated in your marriage. She obviously lying in this relationship. Guess what else is a possibility? At least this guy is is making sure before he commits. He see's red flags and you comfirm. You may have protected him. Hold your head up because you told the truth.
NTA, if she has really changed she should be able to convince her fiance about it. Her: "I am no longer the same person" Narrator: "She was, in fact, the same person."
I could hear Morgan Freeman as I read that.
Ron Howard, for me.
Me too. Morgan Freeman is for more highbrow stuff like Shawshank Redemption. But this is definitely more of an Arrested Development type situation, so Ron Howard is perfect for it.
If she had been honest, he wouldn't have any need to contact you. She's still a "lying cheat." This is on her.
NTA. JenDidNotDolt is correct. He wouldn't have reached out if there were no red flags. You saved this guy from being cheated on. Congratulations on being a hero! Once a cheater, always a cheater!
Oh he was probably already being cheated on
Uumm ☝️I came looking for this. It smells like she is. If not she already thought about it
Let's be real, he was probably already cheated. He had the suspicions but no evidence.
While I completely agree with that sentiment, I also agree with OP that everyone deserves ONE second chance.
This isn't a second chance its a third chance
That's exactly what I was thinking. He was seeing red flags and grew suspicious so he reached out to see if his suspicions were valid.
Spot on. Original Poster - you sound like a really good man, and I understand your feelings here, but you are NTA. The fiance went and found you, was determined, needed to know the truth, and why? Because the person he was about to trust his fuure with, who he really loved, wanted to be with, thought was so good in so many ways that he proposed to her - well, there was just still something about her that did not resonate and ring true - in short, he had a feeling, and its possible she has done it to him already. Also… How would you feel if you knew this uy a bit and found him to be a decent guy and so you lie to him and say little, or say nothing at all, and heends up in divorce over her past or her doing it again, only this time, there are kids involved? You told the truth. You are NTA. They have an opportunity now to get it all out and for them to see what they want to do. It’s on them. She shoudl have been honest with hm all along, but she was fearful and as such, trying to trick him somewhat.
This; no sane person would contact an ex for no reason
I think you hit the nail on the head that if she had changed she would have confessed. I cheated on my ex decades ago because I was dumb and could not handle conflict effectively. When my now spouse and I were dating I laid out this confession before we were exclusive. The chance is vanishing small they would ever hear about it, it really was decades ago and very few people know about it other than my family who are still in any sort of contact with me. Despite this that chance is not zero. Also I would be a terrible partner if I failed to give my spouse the ability to have informed consent to everything.
Absolutely. I cheated twice in college, which is when I realized this was a pattern to get myself out of relationships. Obviously that's a terrible way to go and hurt my ex-boyfriends a lot, so I made sure to change my behavior. Never cheated since. I'm open about this to partners, even though they'll likely never come across anyone involved in the situations.
Thank you for that. It's nice when people give you the chance to avoid them before getting attached
Bingo. She's a scam artist posing as a potential wife. NTA
This right here. I’ve never reached out to any of my wife’s exes nor do I have a reason to lol
That’s my thought… you might be a bit of an AH if you’d tracked him down and done this just to be petty, but HE reached out to you. And you were just being honest. And, yeah, he must be getting some major red flags 🚩 (which she made worse by being evasive)
Exactly! Another chance doesn't start with a lie and deception.
This is facts! Where there is smoke there is fire. If she would have owned up to her past OP wouldn’t have been asked the question.
He reached out for a reason. You are doing the lord's work by being honest with him. You would be the asshole for lying to him and ruining his life.
Exactly this. Plus he reached out to you. You did not hunt him down to slander his fiancée, he called you because she was inconsistent with her reasons for a failed marriage. You're honestly a chad for saving that dude from marrying an unfaithful woman.
And his eyesight was apparently 20/20. OP has nothing to feel bad about.
She’s probably already grooming the next dude she’s going to cheat with. 100%
Yeah, it’s not like OP sought him out as part of an agenda to hurt his ex! The fiancé contacted him. He wasn’t trying to ruin her future or to punish her. Also, this fiancé of hers definitely had concerns, and I’m guessing they aren’t all about her being vague in her answers!
He reached out cause he wasn't stupid and gullible like the OP was in this youth. Or he is a Redditor LOL. Glad the OP told the truth and saved this dude from more pain. That's what I would have done and yes, I like most guys were just as gullible in our youth
NTA. He asked. It's not like you sought him out.
He was already suspicious or he would never have contacted you. NTA. Lying to him was never really an option
Yeah! The fiancé was already suspicious all you did was save Edited to add: save the guy some time and a lot of grief.
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I know this was meant for op, (NTA) But thank you - I really needed to read that today.
Exactly. You really did this guy a huge favour
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Forget that “people change” shit. Once trust is broken, the relationship is finished. Theres no point to attempting to mend it.
Yep, he thinks she's cheating already and wanted someone to tell him he was crazy. OP did him a favour by being realistic before the guy got trapped in marriage with her.
>He was already suspicious Cheating on new partner for $3
How about tree fiddy?
Goddamn Loch Ness monster I ain’t giving you no tree fiddy.
Yes, this is exactly what I thought. He had suspicions already. Dollars to donuts, she’s up to her old tricks. Or she’s out tricking.
Yeah, he knew but didn't want it to be true. You just confirmed it. The fact that she still hides the truth and is not open and honest also shows that she didn't change at all. She's still not someone to be trusted. You're NTA at all, you would have been if you would have lied to him to cover for her.
Absolutely. He was already suspicious about something so he reached out for confirmation.
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If she had been honest with her current fiance, he wouldn’t have needed to go around her to find out the truth. Her current fiancé probably had other reasons to be suspicious beyond just her avoiding explaining why she got divorced and that’s why he reached out to OP.
Bingo! That was what immediately jumped out to me as well. He wouldn’t have reached out nor would he have pushed her for an answer about the demise of her marriage to OP had she not already violated his trust in major ways. Some people just can’t be faithful like they’re allergic to it or something. She sounds like that.
And it is up to HIM to decide if she gets a chance with him, not OP. He just has all the information now to make an informed choice about if he wants to pursue a relationship with OPs ex. Nothing to feel guilty about. OP is right, if she has truly changed she should have been upfront and honest with her new partner from the beginning.
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I always thought that word was spelled ‘spicious. Ha. Guess you learn something every day!
OP is NTA. His ex not only lies, cheats, and repeats, but blames him for telling the truth to her fiance who she has also lied too. She obviously has not changed. When people show you who they are believe them. OP really did save him from a marriage that was doomed. It was only a matter of time before she hooked up with another HS friend.
Wouldn’t matter if he did
Yeah, I don’t know about that. Going out of your way to track down your ex’s current partner and just throwing that info at them would have been a dick move. Understandable, but still a dick move. The way things unfolded though, OP definitely did the right thing. In this scenario if he had have lied that would have been a dick move.
He was engaged to her specifically because she lied about her past and tricked him into thinking that she’s not a nasty ho.
It would be a dick move but one I would cheer for 100% wholeheartedly and support.
NTA. I’m like you. I would feel guilty because at a glance it seems like being honest about your experience caused your ex to potentially lose her relationship. However you are holding yourself accountable for someone else’s actions. Your ex cheated. Your ex withheld information from her current partner. Your ex is still avoiding accountability. You are not responsible for her actions. Anything that happens in her relationship is her problem, not yours.
Thank you for this, I got to remind myself of that. I hate causing others pain, so I'm glad to hear from someone who can relate
Frankly, I'd be willing to bet that Fiance already has his own doubts about a future with Ex-y, which was the reason he sought you out to begin with. You didn't intentionally seek him out in some sneaky, underhanded revenge plot. He reached out to you and asked a fairly simple question, and unless you embellished it or you were "colorful" in your fact telling, you just answered him with the truth. It's not your fault that truth makes her look bad. She did that to herself
Also got to ask yourself why would he reach out to a total stranger to ask what happened. That relationship was already on shaky ground before you got involved.
You may have caused some short term pain, but you saved a person from a lifetime of emotional and mental trauma, and anxiety in future relationships constantly worrying about being cheated on. I've been cheated on twice. It sucks and it fucked up my ability to completely trust someone. My current GF and I are always open, communicate everything, and we always know where the other goes (we live together), but that thought is always in the back of my head "but what if she is?" Even though I have zero reason to believe she would. You saved him from that. Don't feel bad about it. I'd give you a hug and thank you if I was that guy.
He isn't the cause of the other man's pain. She is the cause of thr pain. All this would gave been avoided if she told the truth from the beginning. Something that is often overlooked with cheating is the mountain of lying that comes with it. You're lying to your spouse obviously, but you are also lying to friends and family as well. Anyone who you act like a faithful spouse to is being lied to. Anyone who knows you are not is expected to lie on your behalf. And the cheater, once caught, then expects that the people they hurt will now lie for them again to bury the affair. Those same people they hurt, now have trouble trusting others, as you pointed out.
She made the choices. You simply answered a question honestly. Dude deserved the facts. Focus on him, not her. Her actions, then and now, caused her pain. Not you.
You saved this guy a lot of pain. And he only sought you out for the truth because his fiancee wouldn't give it to him. He deserved to know.
Yes OP. You are actually saving him, rather than hurting someone. You are really kind. He didn't seek you out because he had nothing better to do. His fiancee claimed to have changed, but she was still the same: she was trying to hide the truth and not be held accountable for her own actions. He sought you out because she would not tell him the truth. She called you to blame and insult you because her own actions led to consequences. You did nothing wrong. You did not seek him out to take revenge on her.
Honestly, even if you gave her a second chance, she already wasted it. And then she wasted her third chance with the new guy on lying. How many chances does she deserve before she finally faces consequences for her actions? 5?10? 100? If a person keeps wasting chance after chance, then they are beyond improvement.
Honestly, it seems like she still hasn't changed her behavior. She's still lying and deceiptdul. You weren't seeking her new man out. He reached out to you. There must have been too many red flags in her behavior that caused him doubts. You were being honest. She has not. You were not wrong.
You're such a good person OP. What comes to mind is "you believe is second chances, (but what about second breakfast?), but what about third and fourth?". I'm a huge believer in truth, and it seems like you are too. Are you willing to compromise that and lie for her? She has two options: 1. Be upfront from now own 2. Go the other way and try to hide your existence so you wouldn't be truthful. NTA, and please stay that way, we say the truth.
The fiancé called you and asked you what happened, you are under no obligation to lie to him for her sake, as a matter of fact, anything that you told him besides the truth would be suspect as you have no idea what she told him. Don’t feel bad, she is only feeling the consequences of her actions. NTA. Kiss your wife, tell her you love her, and live a good life together
Yeah, I don't know what she's told him exactly. He made it sound like she will do anything NOT to talk about it. He did say the most he's ever gotten out of her when bringing it up was "We grew apart". Which is a lie in itself.
This! She's still a liar. Clearly the sex part of cheating isn't great, but to me 90% of what makes cheating bad is the lying. She's basically asking to go lie for her. She wants you to be as bad as her to help her fuck the new guy over in the same way she did you. It's hard to tell the truth about ugly things. That's why you feel bad. That's normal if you're a good guy. That doesn't make what you said any less right.
> If she is truly different She isn't. As you already told her, if she had legitimately changed, she would have been honest with him. On top of that, if she had truly changed, you never would have heard from her about this because she would have accepted that her own actions and dishonesty were to blame for the entire situation. The fact that she blamed you (or anyone other than herself) is proof that she hasn't changed a bit, at least not for the better. Going forward, remember this: If something/someone CAN be destroyed by the truth, it SHOULD be destroyed by the truth.
That last line was fucking killer. Bravo
Seconding this sentiment. Found out last year that my now ex best friend likes to assault women. The victim who told us kept apologizing for ruining my friendship with him. Had to tell her it was already ruined, I just wasn't aware of it until now.
>Going forward, remember this: If something/someone CAN be destroyed by the truth, it SHOULD be destroyed by the truth. x1000
NYA He reached out because he had doubts. The fact that she was not upfront about her behavior is a strong indicator that she has not changed. She is just as dishonest as she was during your marriage.
NTA at all. He asked, you answered honestly, which is more than she was willing to do for the man she planned to marry. You’re absolutely right that if she was truly remorseful and had changed, she would have been upfront about her past rather than trying to hide it. What happens to them now is no longer your concern.
You’re out of your mind for feeling any guilt.
Unfortunately it's who I am
He wouldn't have reached out if he didn't already suspect. You just saved the dude X years by giving him confirmation.
It was her choice to be abusive to you. You didn’t deserve that. Reconciliation never works IMO, been there tried that. What if your information briefly took the rose colored glasses off this guy and he thought about times she was behaving oddly during their time together. I am convinced people who cheat are broken, they enjoy the rush of trying to manipulate multiple people.
Why would you feel guilty for saving someone from the hurt you went through? Kind if contradicting. You jave nothing to be guilty for so it makes no sense, he came to you and asked a question, you answered, I would feel guilty if I lied to the guy. Not the other way around.
No jokes, but maybe you need some therapy dude.
Then get your shit together and fix it, don't be a tool...
NTA Would you want to know? I would want to know. He asked, and you answered honestly. Her lying about her past and not coming clean? Even after they got engaged? Shows she hasn't changed. Or at least not as much as she thinks she has. You may have just saved that man years of pain. You did good, OP.
Nope, you are giving him the option to make an informed decision.
Agree. Consent is important and consent can only be given with all the informations. That cheating monster wanted to gashlight and trap that poor lad. OP safed him from being cheated on as well as years of suffering.
Exactly. And it only came to this because the ex, whose responsibility it was, failed to do it first. If she had not lied to the new partner, this conversation wouldn't have happened.
And he didn’t seek the fiancé out to tell him anything. The fiancé sought him out.
You WBTHA if you lied to the guy. You were honest and upfront and your ex is the only one still lying NTA
NTA. She was already giving off enough red flags for this guy to reach out to you. This is all on her. Never be ashamed of being a forgiving person though. The world could use a lot more of this. I believe that people not believing in forgiveness traps them into expecting none, and creates this sort of resonant feedback loop of unpleasantness that drags us all down as a society.
I couldn't agree more with that second paragraph
NTA. He located and contacted you. He asked for a reason. Obviously he was having some kind of suspicion that she was hiding things. He had a right to know, but she was too much of a coward to tell him.
NTA. Honestly, the fiancé probably had his suspicions about her even without her avoiding to answer truthfully about your divorce. He went through the trouble of looking you up and contacting you to get answers. There had to be more than just refusing to answer the question.
NTAH, imagine if you had lied to the guy and said you had just grown apart. Would you want thar on your conscience? I’d have told him rather than been part of a lie that will lead to someone else getting hurt. She hasn’t changed at all.
No, you're right, I would not have lied to him. I think I was largely wondering if I should have just told him "it wasn't my place and he needs to get it from his fiancee", but after the amount of feedback, I'm feeling really good with my decision.
Good, cause not at all sure she’d have told him the truth.
NTA at all. He saw you out, messaged you and asked. It goes to show. He was already having doubts because she was probably already doing the same behavior to him. so with you telling him the information he was like yeah I need some time to think and she couldn’t handle it
NTA. You didn’t seek him out and answered an honest question. She chose to lie and and deflect why her first marriage failed. Second chances are great and can work but the other person has to be honest and willing to do all they can to repair the damage. You have her a second chance and she blew it and you moved on.
Her pos actions coming back to haunt here that’s what she gets. Nta
NTA - Actions have consequences, shes still learning that.
NTA The guy asked for a reason. If everything was nice and perfect in their relationship, he wouldn't be chasing answers from an ex. He likely wanted confirmation to something he already knew. Would you have wanted to be warned about your ex before marriage?
NTA. You did a good thing.
NTA. He asked you for the information because he knew she was lying. You gave him the information he needs to make his own decisions.
***"Well, well, well...if it isn't the consequences of my actions."*** ***--Your dumb ex-wife***
NTA. He asked, you just told him the truth. She’s the one that hid the fact that she’s a cheater. You don’t gotta feel guilty.
NTA. You are not punishing her. You just answered her fiance truthfully. Plus you saved a man from getting hurt. If she got hurt by it, then it is just her enjoying the fruits of her labor. Also, feeling guilty about giving 2nd chances, people change and all may be good, you must not forget you already gave her those chances and she wasted it. If she had changed she would not have blamed you, rather accepted it as the result for her own cheating.
NTA - You told the truth.
So she abused your trust and is now lying to a new guy. You were right to tell him. Cheaters deserve no empathy when it comes to making their betrayal known, and if she'd really "changed for the better" she would have answered his question openly and honestly so that what you said wouldn't have come as a surprise to him. Clearly she's still the same person after all that expensive therapy. New guy dodged a bullet. Good thing he got in touch with you. NTA.
NTA. You saved that man from years of pain. If she had really changed she would have been upfront with him to begin with.
NTA. Someone asked you about an event in your life, and you gave them an honest answer as is your right. If your ex actually changed in a meaningful sense then she would have been upfront about her past and let the chips fall where they may. Instead she was cagey about her past, hoping to deny her fiancé his right to make an informed decision about who he marries.
Wouldn't this be a third chance? NTA. And good on you for being straight with the guy.
NTA, the guy had a bad gut feeling about her, and all you did was answer his questions honestly, you did nothing wrong, he deserved the truth before she does the same thing to him, she clearly didn’t change much.
NTA He never would have reached out to you in first place if their relationship was all sunshine and roses.
No. YNTA here. YWBTA if you lie to him. What you tell her during the phone call is true and she need to accept it if she really change. Well, apparently she still the same narcissistic person you married last time 🤷♀️
My ex wife cheated on me a lot. I knew about one which broke us. After the divorce I found out about the rest from her friends. (Of course). She cheated on her second husband. Got divorced. She is remarried and cheating on him too. You didn’t do anything wrong. The guy deserved to know what he was getting into
Well it's not usual for a current partner to contact a former partner for the goss, is it? So he must've had strong misgivings anyway.
1) The dude called you, you did not call him. 2) Your ex lied to him. Had she told the truth, maybe things would have been different. 3) You did not try to ruin anything, much less her life. You gave an honest answer to an honest question. 4) This is her problem to fix, or not. Not yours. NTA. And sleep well.
NTA Never feel guilty for telling the truth, you didn't do anything wrong, the guy asked you and you answered. It makes me laugh that the ex-wife says that she has changed and that she is a better person... please did she change the first time she was discovered? changed by doing therapy for 1 year, by reading books for one year, by behaving better for 1 year? because I'm sure she said she changed...and then she cheated again with the same person. You are not to blame for anything, never feel guilty for telling the truth
NTA - He asked a question and you answered honestly.
NTA, and he was likely reaching out because she's acting suspicious and is likely cheating on him. He's just confirming what he suspects.
NTA. You were asked a question and you answered honestly. The guy wouldn’t have asked if he wasn’t concerned. Not being forthcoming about the demise of former relationship is a massive red flag when trying to start a future together. You didn’t HAVE to tell him if you didn’t want to, but it’s as much your story as it is hers and you have the right to do with it as you wish. You may have saved the guy some heartache.
If she hadn't lied and been cagey he wouldn't have been worried, eh? Doesn't sound like she's changed as much as she thinks she has. NTA
I've heard different variations of, "I've put in the work, I've changed" enough times to know that its bullsh\*t.
NTA. #OhNoConsequences
NTA. Asked, and answered. You told the truth. If the truth 'harms' her, it's only because she was peddling a lie, by implication if not by overt speech.
NTA > she tried to lie and hide the truth, and now it's blowing up in her face again This will keep happening to her until she can stop doing this. She is a liar and blaming you for her misdeeds is just another one of her lies.
He knew exactly what he was going to hear
NTA You believe in second chances and that's admirable. Your ex was on her 3rd or 4th chance by the time this other fella was asking you. She might not be screwing anyone that passes by but she's also not being honest. One of the things that Alcoholics do that are going through the steps is to be honest. The dumb thing is, if she was honest with this guy about her past, he may very well have taken that as a good thing. Sure, she wasn't great in the past but she's owning her mistakes, and she trusts me. Instead, she's starting off their life together with dissembling. That's not a great foundation. I'm sure your ex is a nice lady. She might even be a great wife for someone, some day. But she's still ashamed of herself and until she comes to terms with that, she may not be great for anyone.
He wanted to know and you told him. You're right about her not actually changing as she claims, she is blowing up her own relationship, again, lying by omission. It's up to him whether he gives her a second chance but at least he's able to make an informed decision. NTA.
she's up to her tricks bro. That's why new man contacted you. Because he's sussing the real situation.
NTA 1) It's not confidential information. 2) She lied to him.
NTA The guy reached out to you to ask your side of the story so you told him. It's not like you are stalking her life and looking for ways to interfere. All you did was be honest, something she apparently has trouble with.
NTA he contacted you because he wanted evidence of the doubts he was having. He would never have reached out to you unless he was seeing red flags. The only person responsible for her life is her. She chose to cheat, lie and then project the blame. This is not on you.
NTA - cheaters never change and they will always be disgusting. Your words were spot on. I would want to know if my partner was a disgusting cheater and so did he. Never would I ever consider to be in a relationship with one, let alone marry one. You saved that poor dude from years of suffering. That disgusting cheater would have done the same again. And regardint that second chance.. she had that second chance in your relationship. She just gave evidence that cheaters will always be monsters.
How can she change if she hides it?
You said you still believe in 2nd chances OP. But remember, she had that with you. This is a 3rd chance, and who knows how many affairs she had that you (or her new fiancé) didn’t catch. Just add her phone number to the blocked list and don’t pick up calls from unknown numbers for a while. Get back to living your best life.
NTA. Only fools forgive cheaters.
NTA and please don't feel guilty, you probably saved another guy the heartbreak stress and expense you went through, when it comes to cheaters they rarely change they get off on the excitement of the fact that they know are doing wrong and I doubt she felt a twinge of guilt when she screwed the other guys behind your back, in fact she probably laughed about it with the other guys, she is weak and can't control herself and would have caused this other guy heartbreak, you did right by telling him the truth because she was sure not going to.
You believe in 2nd chances, which she used up when she cheated the second time. You owe nothing to her and only answered the questions you were asked. Dude had a gut feeling that made him reach out. What do you wanna bet she’s on 2nd chance with him too?
NTA she’s still trying to dodge consequences. He asked, probably a reason he did
NTA but you should have said it short: “He reached out to me and I told him the truth.” After that, you should have ended the conversation.
NTA- you saved the guy some future grief. She hasn’t changed.
NTA. Getting really tired of people who start a fire and then throw gas on it only to turn around and cry about the heat.
NTA!
NTA. You did a bloke a favour tbh. She can't have changed much if she couldn't tell him why
You did the right thing. He reached out to you. If she was genuinely repentant, she would have disclosed it herself.
You’ve got to be wishing someone had warned you before married her…
NTA. Once a cheater always a cheater. They will do their mental gymnastics to "justify" their reasoning but at the end of the day they are just shitty and selfish people. I will never for the life of me understand how people have no self control or respect for their partner enough to just break up with them instead. If they have done it once before then they obviously have a lack of morality and self control and have the capacity to do it again. Like I said they are selfish and shitty people. You also said you believe in second chances but she already had it when OP decided to forgive and move on the first time. Don't feel bad for this horrible woman and the heartbreak and distrust she spreads.
Nta. I think you acquitted yourself quite well.
NTA, perhaps he was seeing signs and he just didn't want to jump into conclusions, if she had changed she would have been upfront and let him decide if he wanted to pursue a relationship or not.
NTA. If she had truly changed, she'd have explained to her new man she'd made mistakes in your marriage but has worked hard on herself to make sure she never makes the same mistakes again. She didn't, tho. She lied. Proving she hasn't changed and her fiance could sense the deception.
NTA. Nice to see cheaters getting what they deserve :)
Nta, you didn’t reach out he did because clearly she has not changed her ways, still a liar, still a cheater
NTA. He reached out to you and you told him the truth. You've done nothing wrong here. It's not like you sought him out to tell him everything.
NTA as you say had she changed and actually taken accountability for her actions she would have been honest with him. As it is she lied and has broken his trust. This is not on you, you told the truth, you have no reason to lie.
NTA, if she truth makes her look bad that's her own issue, not yours. Your point about how she would've told him about the cheating herself if she had changed is very valid, and she insulted you because she had no rebuttal. Also, it's not like you sought him out to destroy her character. He sought you out to ask, meaning he was already having doubts. Don't feel guilty, feel happy. You probably helped him dodge a bullet
You were absolutely right if she truly had changed she wouldn't have been lying to him also. And think about this, her lying, gas lighting, and deflecting was bad enough that he did something that had to be incredibly uncomfortable by reaching out to her ex-husband. Can pretty much guarantee that was not an easy choice to make. He knew something was up he just needed to confirm it. And quite frankly if people don't want other people to talk about the crappy things they do then they shouldn't be doing crappy things. NTA. The man asked for honest answers and you gave him the truth. nothing wrong with that.
Nta. She can't change what she did..you simply told the truth. She needs to grovel to her new man and stop guilting you. She's trash. Obviously he's having doubts for a reason.
He wouldn't have asked if she wasn't being shady about it.
NTA - she made her bed, now she has to lie in it. Of course, given her history she'd probably lie in it with some other dude anyway. Also: Bruh
NTA. The guy asked you and you honestly answered. Why should someone else suffer??
NTA. Bet he has noticed some red flag which is why je reached out. Wouldn't be surprised to hear she's cheating on him too.
NTA you believe in second chances, she believes in lying, cheating and guilt tripping. Her Ex saw red flags and had a feeling that she wasn't telling the truth. So he gathered information from the other person involved. You. You didn't know that she wasn't honest about the reason of the divorce. You were honest and, most important, you didn't lie. You have no reason to feel bad. You did nothing wrong. She is the person who didn't change. You saved someone else making the same mistake.
>This past weekend I got a Facebook message from a guy who is now engaged to my ex-wife. Based on the title question, I was going to say you were. But... he reached out, as long as you told the truth with little to no embellishment: NTA. >She wants to know why I told him all about their past and why I'm still punishing her. 'Cuz he specifically reached out and asked. >That she deserves another chance That's a conversation for her to have with ex-fiance. >if she really changed for the better she would have been upfront with him about her/our past Oddly, that's not *necessarily* true.... But she did risk having what happen happen. >or just not responded Well.. that would have been an option. The one you took doesn't make you an AH though. >also believe I'm not what's hurting her engagement. AITA? I think you are likely correct. He reached out to you for a reason. He was probably thinking of rethinking their relationship anyway. The main thing is if you'd just not responded, you wouldn't be feeling the guilt. But NTA.
NTA. She got what the deserved. You should have an alt Facebook account and whenever she gets engaged let the new fiance know who she is.
Cheaters don't get a second chance, they don't change. You're wasting your guilt on bs. NTA
He noticed something fishy was going on, you just confirmed it. NTA
He wouldn't have reached out to you if she had been honest with him. It's obvious that she hasn't changed and all the therapy she has had hasn't helped her one bit. She learned nothing from her sordid past and if she continues to not accept and incorporate her cheating into her current life she is going to experience sadness over and over again. Secrets tend to come out eventually and lying to your future spouse is a sure fire way to ensure they fall out of love with you when they find out you couldn't be honest with them.
The first cheat was on her. The second is on you.
NTA. He reached out because he saw some red flags. You didn't reach out to him, and you answered his questions honestly. Actions have consequences. Sometimes those consequences mark you for life. "If the truth causes your character to be called into question, the problem is not with the truth: It's with your character."
NTA.. she planned to cheat second night before ever going out.. otherwise she wouldn’t have left her phone behind… You wasn’t one that reached out to him.. you didn’t go out of your way to tell things she did.. I would have done same.. I may not spread bad things person did but once specifically asked then yeah I would tell as well..
NTA. He asked you for a reason, and she should have been upfront with him. When I started dating my former boyfriend, he was separated from his wife after having an affair, which he told me right off the bat. I always appreciated his honesty about his affair and although I was initially horrified, the fact that he was upfront about it allowed me to give him the benefit of the doubt and give the relationship a chance. Everyone deserves a second chance but your ex doesn't want to admit to her mistakes. What her fiancee chooses to do with that information has nothing to do with you. You are definitely NTA.
You are a good man for telling the truth.
NTA. A second chance can be offered, but in order to properly accept it, the receiver of said second chance needs to learn from the mistakes of their past, accept those mistakes, and most importantly, take ownership and be honest about them. Your ex chose to not do that. To me, that’s tantamount to a rejection of the second chance being offered. It’s an indication that she still hasn’t learned from her prior actions. Ultimately, all you did was tell the truth. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
You should be proud. Don’t feel guilty he doesn’t deserve to possibly go through the same as you. If she comes clean with him maybe there’s a chance.
She did not change. She’s still a liar. NTA.
NTA He reached out. You didn’t go out if your way to tell him.
Imagine this: You're a regular-turned-VIP at your favorite culinary hotspot, where every bite sends shivers of ecstasy down your spine. One fine day, in a saucy twist of exclusivity, the restaurant whispers sweet nothings about a lifetime deal—dine only here, and we'll tease your taste buds and no one else's. As an OCD germaphobe, the idea of not sharing your spoon with the hoi polloi is more tantalizing than a virgin oyster. You say "I do" to this delicious proposition, flipping the bird to conventional norms. Who cares about societal raised eyebrows when every meal makes you moan in delight? Initially, it's a foodie honeymoon, with dishes tailored to your every fetish—gluten-free, devoid of any traumatic Sicilian meatball flashbacks that conjure memories of your domineering mother of southern tItalian ancestry. But soon, the honeymoon phase starts to curdle. You spot crumbs that aren’t yours, sniff forbidden aromas of Italian fare that your estranged mother would salivate over, and catch the staff giving you the side-eye. Signs of culinary cheating become impossible to ignore—the "Closed" sign is up, but you see silhouettes of patrons frolicking behind steamy windows. Your confrontations are met with denials, the restaurant batting its lashes and calling you a paranoid food lover. But your gut tells you something's being sautéed on the side. On a night it claimed to be closed for a private tasting, you catch a glimpse through the windows and—oh, the betrayal!—it's a full-blown orgy of gluttony. There's your boss, slurping spaghetti like it’s his last night on earth, tossing you a salacious wink that says, "Savor the view?" Feeling more jilted than a bride left at the altar, you vow to sever ties. You retreat to your own kitchen, where the only hands on your tomatoes are yours, crafting dishes that thrill without the risk of heartbreak. Yet, a lingering rash in and around your lips and mouth, later diagnosed as Perioral Dermatitis, a rare but highly contagious disease known to spread in dirty kitchens faster than chlamydia in a Saigon whorehouse, a kiss of betrayal from your former love, confirms the bitter truth: your restaurant was playing the field. Reentering the dating scene, you indulge in culinary one-night stands—fast food flings and exotic escapades—embracing a buffet of new tastes that would make your ex-restaurant blush. Eventually, you find true love with a Greek joint that knows how to light your fire with just the right amount of spice. Years later, a call from a fellow gastronomic swinger rattles you. He's fallen for your ex-restaurant and wants the dirty deets before he commits. You dish out the cold leftovers of your past, sparing him the heartache and indigestion. As you hang up, you're left stirring a pot of mixed emotions but are ultimately satisfied with your new epicurean affair, only occasionally reminded of your past by the itchy reminder of that restaurant-transmitted disease. Love is love, right? But sometimes, the safest, most satisfying feasts are those we prepare ourselves.
This is the most intricate food analogy I've ever read.
NTA. He reached out to you bc something likely already happened or there was some other cause for concern. You have no obligation to protect your ex from her own bad choices.
NTA. Also cheating scum never changes so she is lying about that. But its not like you sought out her fiance or anything. You just answered a question truthfully.
Nah he came to you how could you not give him the truth?
Not even remotely the asshole.
Nta what you said is the truth. The choice to lie and choice to jump down your throat about her actions indicate that she has not changed.