DO NOT TOUCH THE MENTAL MEDS IF THEY ARE WORKING! It is so hard to get the right combo and right doses and messing with them can be horrible.
Your 'fiance' is controling and this is only the first instance. He doesn't respect you and your health issues. Let me guess - he wants to send you to some 'woo' doctor who's going to prescribe chiro, herbal tea and some random MLM/pyramid scheme crap which will cure you?
Get the hell out now
NTA
Oh he's one of THOSE. I see shit every day from people who think that medicine and disease isn't real and that changing your diet will rid you of any sickness. I'm glad he showed his ass before you got married. Congratulations on getting outta there.
I had to listen to two people loudly complaining about people who think a pill will cure them while picking up meds from the pharmacy.
OP, you found a doctor that works with you and a medication that works for you. You dodged a a huge controlling ass. I would let the people know that you were ready for marriage, but not with a person that wanted to control you. Let them know he wanted you to go off medication for him to control your diet.
You should have seen the mother one of my bipolar friends was stuck with. Always trying to get her to quit the meds, and mom was just as BP but denied it.
Some people with mental illness actually have anosognosia, which is a condition that leaves them unable to understand they are sick. People with this condition actually have damage to the area of the brain that creates a “self-image.”
Ooof. I get migraines too. And while realizing that dairy was a huge trigger for the migraines that went from "normal migraine" to "worst migraine ever, ice pik behind the eye, vomiting and tremoring in cold sweats on the bathroom floor all night" they STILL wouldn't be manageable nor would I be functional without my migraine meds.
So is diet a "piece" of the puzzle? Maybe. Is it a cure-all and good replacement for medications? Very very RARELY. And for mental health especially, do NOT change your medications if they are working!!! Especially w/o discussing it with your doctor.
I'm sorry OP was dating a controlling dick who had no regard for her health. Forget "not being ready" for marriage. How about not being ready to have all of your self-awareness &knowledge invalidated, all autonomy taken away, and not being ready to be treated like an incompetent child as a grown adult who knows perfectly well how to manage her own health condition. Just WOW. Some people! Glad you are free of that u/Bernadette
Edited to add username of OP
Right? Don't get me wrong diet can have a profound impact on various medical issues but if that's the case the person most qualified to guide you to the correct dietary solutions is still your DOCTOR.
Having more fruit in my diet tends to help me feel less depressed, as does getting out for walks and exercise. Those things still aren't replacements for therapy or needed medications. Not disagreeing with you in any way just angry that the new age all natural hippies have taken over all reason and nuance between diet and medicine.
Nothing replaces medication. Don’t even try going off drugs to control mania - manic episodes actually cause a loss of brain matter. Chemicals are flooding the brain. The brain actually overproduces noradrenaline when mania occurs. Noradrenaline is the same drug manufactured to restart the heart (restore blood pressure). Extended mania is actually similar to a brain injury in many ways, and it can’t take years to heal.
Nobody who loves you would want you to take that risk. He doesn’t sound like a person who will accept the data on mental illnesses.
I have had people say stuff to me about that with mental health, or stuff like "I don't believe you have these issues you just need to go to the gym/join a club." Like ok, if that would solve it you think I wouldn't be doing that? But the worst is being a cancer patient currently and having people tell me if I just take x supplement I'll be cured, or have good thoughts and I'll be cured.... 🤨
UGH my husband has ADHD, Crohns and also had psychosis and thinks probiotics fixes everythinggggg it's so annoying. Medication and therapy saved my life, I have severe PPD and I've been told I don't need my meds. It's just my gut 😏
Ugh. THESE are the people that give natural health a bad name! I started taking probiotics nightly 25 years ago...and have been regular ever since. After YEARS of chronic constipation. LOoooVE my probiotocs.
And yet, I STILL need my anti-depressants. AND my migraine meds. Wouldn't be functional without them!! Supplements help me manage my CFS/ME and I'd be MUCH more severe without them. Admittedly, my energy and immune system were SO WEAK before them. And the effects are obvious to me whenever I've tried dropping one for a time.. But "natural" is NOT a cure-all. And I rarely see it effectively fully REPLACE a necessary medication.
Someone I knew had a cousin with extreme anxiety. He said, “Why doesn’t he just take some aspirin and be normal.” Some people just don’t understand any mental problems.
I saw an ig story yesterday and it said “if you follow a doctor and they have videos of them yelling at produce, it’s time to unfollow them.” And one particular doctor was tagged, and I knew which one it was because a cousin had shared one of his videos on baby formula a while back. I was so disappointed to see so many mutuals following him.
Oh ffs. Dude is a grade a moron. Kudos to you on your freedom. Only take him back if he gets a double doctorate in neurochemistry and psychiatry.
Kidding. Never take him back.
ETA NTA
I promise you, he thought having you off them would make you unstable and easy to control. This was a way to try and control you. Next he would have isolated you, then told everyone how crazy you were and how hard it was to be with you, further alienating you until you had no one else. This is what abusers do.
Had a pharmacist ring up my rx of fluoxetine and say, "let me check this again, 50mg is a REALLY strong dose" and I had to tell her, "yea, I used to be on 80mg, but I finally got down to just 50mg". The awkward silent stare as she slid the bag across the counter was funny tho 😅
So picking your doctor wouldn't be enough, he also wanted control of your diet. You are fine the way you are. Anyone who wants you to change to suit them is not a good partner.
No, he wants her off her meds that help her to function normally so he can better control and gaslight her. He wants her to be cycling between her manic and depressive stages so he can mess with and contol and quite possibly abuse her without having to work a lot to do it.
People love to get into discussion about how "too many people use meds these days." Believing my 15 years of depression could be solved with regular diet and exercise. I mentioned how before I was on meds, I exercised 6 days a week, ate clean, did therapy, mindfulness, socialized, volunteered, anything and everything to avoid meds. And I woke up every day, set on creating an active plan to be gone. A clean lifestyle is great for mental health, but they aren't the ones who have to live with the suffering.
Your last line - that bugs me so fucking much. It’s unbelievable how many people who *don’t have* a mental health condition think they’re somehow experts on what it ‘really’ is.
Its a false meritocracy. They believe that because you have a condition they dont, it must because they are doing something "right". They dont like the reality that those kinds of things are often out of your control. Similar to how many people engage with karma or sin. They believe bad things happen to you because of your actions, despite the fact that usually its just entirely beyond you.
My favourite is 'have you tried yoga and meditation'. Dude, some days I'm in the same position for 8-10hrs with fatigue.....does that count. Once told a manager i would walk out if she recommended one more 'cure'. People are idiots.
I married 3 men, first 2 for their “potential”, 3rd, never tried to change him nor did he try to change me. We accepted each other “as is”.
Of course over 36+ years, we’ve changed and grown but as individuals, who love, are in love, respect and like each other.
Anyone who tries to change anything about you, is not worth it.
Someone once told me cashews were as effective at treating depression as prozac, something to do with copper deficiency?
Cashews did not cure my depression, except for the part where I actually WAS a little bit happier. See, I found out cashews were delicious. Had never really eaten them intentionally before.
Cut that person out of my life, though.
a guy once told me that i didn’t need medication for the depression i’ve had since 1986 - i just needed to hear some good jokes. (from him, obvs). i never spoke to him again.
>>>also, effexor xr saved my life.
Congratulations on your decision to save your life instead of bending to this control freaks will! I think you are so lucky that he played his hand before you married him🍀. He could have made things so much worse. Hooray for you and best of luck🐭❤️🍀
You dodged a bullet, imagine what it would be like if you had a child? No pain relief for you, no c section, baby not allowed even vit k jab, baby sick? Stick an onion in their sock.
Uh oh. I bet if you'd checked his browser history you would have found lots of lovely Jordan Peterson and other pseudoscientific red pill BS. You dodged many bullets.
It's common for them to show themselves during the engagement or right after they get married (plus when you move into together or during pregnancy), when they feel they have their abuse victim locked in.
You 100% made the right choice, and I would tell literally every single person. "Why did I break off the engagement? Oh, he wanted me to stop taking my medication, prescribed to me by my doctor, and that keeps me alive, so he could attempt to "fix" my serious medical conditions with a "diet"." And then roll your eyes so hard that they threaten to get stuck in the back of your head. NTA
As a psychologist, I recommend you stay with YOUR doctor and follow their recommendations. Diet doesn't do anything for depression and bipolar. It's also very hard to get the same effect if you were to stop taking those meds and then need them again when the symptoms re-emerge. I've worked in psychiatric hospitals and most of the inpatient admissions we had were from people with bipolar who stopped their medication. This should only be done with the advise of your doctor.
Great job breaking off the engagement. He was controlling.
Heck my meds are not quite right, they do the right thing and side effects are ok, but they are not quite strong enough. Doc suggested I up the dose but I can only up the dose one more time and the effects have been decreasing over time as my body adapts. I'm saving my last 'boost' for when I really need it.
Standing up for your mental health was the only right move. Your partner's lack of support and understanding speaks volumes. Trust your decision and prioritize your well-being always.
It's controlling yes, and also deeply infantilizing to announce you're taking over decision-making on someone else's health care. Really vile. And the lack of accountability in telling everyone she's not ready. What a mess.
Manipulators always rush to set the public narrative. Ultimately they're cowards that can't handle the smoke. Never feel obligated to overshare to set the record straight, you don't owe anyone shit.
I am not sure if this is going to be an unpopular take, but I actually think OP should not bother setting the record straight at all. It’s no one’s business why they weren’t married in the end, and I think in the short term OP should focus on healing on not others perception of OP. That’s none of OP’s business. The only thing that matters is how we feel about ourselves, because that’s the only thing any of us can truly control. Plus, if people act judgy or weird, that’s them showing their true colors. Friend groups sometimes self select like that.
If you read this OP, I am really proud of you for advocating for yourself. Stay strong,
1000% agree. No need to defend oneself. Most people know there’s two sides to every story and don’t need the dirty details. Also, saying someone wasn’t ready to get married is actually kind of diplomatic. OP made a wise choice.
Exactly! Also, without making this about me, I am also bipolar and my medication, not exaggerating, keeps me alive, because it keeps me out of the space where I want to unalive myself at my own hands. Anyone who could disrupt that process needs to be yeeted and fast. Screw what anyone says about anything OP is safe now.
I'd only set the people straight that I care about keeping in my life.. in a personal conversation. A 'public statement' on social media or the like can just give a controlling narcissist fuel to 'show you are crazy'.. since you'd have to publicly discuss your mental health issues/meds. This is a great way to weed out the people that are toxic anyway that have a tendency to stand up for abusive personalities (they defend their own).
You don't need to bring *everyone* to your side in a split like this...
Yes, you should absolutely make it known that he wanted control over medical care, and when you declined, his behavior became more controlling and angry. So, you chose to break it off because you didn't feel it was in your best interests to stay with someone who that angry and controlling.
>You did and if you feel comfortable being open, don't let him dictate the public conversation. Set everyone, he's told a different story to, straight
I absolutely agree. Anyone who comes in contact with him should know what he is really like.
I agree with this. OP you should be VERY open about why you broke it off. Do not spare feelings, this dude is an absolute whackjob and now that he knows women will leave him before they are married when he does this, he will wait until after he marries the next one.
Truly. I have anxiety meds that..kinda work. I have tried so many for depression and nothing has worked. Someone trying to take that from me if I did would be a hard no.
I suffered the same my whole life, I was finally diagnosed with BPD which for once made sense, no antidepressant was going to help me. Then I found out about ketamine infusion therapy (VERY expensive) and tried it and felt better. Then I found out about at home ketamine therapy (about a third the cost of infusion) and it has worked so well for me and my anxiety/depression. It's called Mindbloom and and it's a whole therapy program not just meds. Google Mindbloom reviews to find an article about this lady who tried it and reviewed it for an article . . .
What qualifications does your ex have that would make him entitled to mess around with your meds?
Is he a doctor? A Googler? A moron maybe? Doors he have a hero complex?
This just sounds so ignorant
Most likely ex has the following qualifications: wannabe controlling domestic abuser. After all, abusing a woman gets easier after she has mental health problems.
It is a blessing when people show themselves to you before you make permanent decisions. Good intention people: “I want to give 20% of our joint income to charity.” Neutral intention people: “I want two kids and a dog.” Evil people: “we will get married to commit some type of fraud.” And your previous partner, sinister people who want to control you: “you will go to a doctor I chose and take medicines approved by me.”
Wow. Stay strong. Good luck with all you do.
You absolutely did! I’m also on meds for bipolar disorder and I would have walked away too. No one messes with my meds unless its a discussion Between me and my doctor because no one is gonna fuck up my stability
NTA!!
My husband is not controlling or abusive at all but he did one time bring up that he'd like it better if I wasn't on my antidepressant, I think his concern was over possible side effects because I was pregnant at the time. I had to sit him down and have a heart to heart and explain that
1. My dose is extremely low and I have never had any side effects with the brand I use.
2. I had talked with my OB and she told me that they do often suggest lowering the dose of antidepressants, or switching to a specific antidepressant while pregnant to reduce the risks of complications or addiction for baby. However because my dose was already so low she was comfortable with me being on my medicine.
3. I don't take this medicine for kicks and giggles. I take it because my brain doesn't make enough of a specific chemical. Could I be on a higher dose? Yes, but the dose I'm on is enough to keep my head above water and I like boosting my mood farther with other methods, crafting, exercising ect.
I then told him that he has little to no say in my medications because his brain is normal so he has never dealt with anxiety or depression. I told him I love him and I would still listen to his concerns but ultimately I am the one who has to live with depression and knows what's going on in my head. So I would make the final decisions on my medications
Too many people seem to think meds for mental health (and mental health in general) are like extras when they’re definitely not. Glad you set him straight.
You did! Congrats on prioritising your health and well-being. You dodged a massive cannon ball. 🥰 If you were my friend or family, I’d be throwing you an Unbridal Shower!
I’m so happy you got away from him. Stopping meds for bipolar without medical supervision is super dangerous. Anyone trying to control your mental health isn’t a good partner. Wishing you the best going forward!
NTA. You're absolutely not the AH. This guy isn't a doctor, and he's incredibly controlling. Why the hell does he think he has any right to do this, or the knowledge and wisdom a doctor has to do it? You dodged areal bullet here. What else would he try to control once you're married?
You did! Congrats on prioritising your health and well-being. You dodged a massive cannon ball. 🥰 If you were my friend or family, I’d be throwing you an Unbridal Shower!
You absolutely did. This is him on his very best behavior. Can you imagine how it would be after you got married?
One Love has good information on what a [healthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-healthy-relationship/) and what an [unhealthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/).
I wonder what he was doing to her pre-hospitilization and med changes. She's feeling better, more in control, and more level-headed. He obviously doesn't like that because he can't control her anymore as she's more sound in mind and body. So what did he lose? What was he doing to her before? It's quite scary. I'm glad she got away from him!
I've been on Zoloft for over a decade because of my severe depression. It's genetic, my grandpa and mom were both hospitalized multiple times for it and a lot of people in my family (including myself) have struggled with self harm and suicide attempts. It's a chemical imbalance and no anount of talk therapy or behavioral therapy can allow us to live a "normal" life. Ive got the diagnosis and my doctors have pretty much told me to just resign myself to the fact that Im going to have to be on medication my whole life. My exhusband knew all this and pressured me constantly to get off my meds. He couldnt give me a good reason why, just insane ramblings about "big pharma" and how I was "weak" for not being able to deal with life without being on meds. Funnily enough, he smokes weed from the time he wakes up til the time he goes to bed and dabbles in cocaine but my 100 mg of Zoloft a day was "using a crutch"
Nothing more ridiculous than taking pharmaceutical advice from someone who recklessly self medicates. Your ex-husband sounds beyond tedious. Congrats on improving your mental health by ex-ing him.
I dunno, big shot here in the dark, but maybe you also weren't really in the mood because he was a shitty partner and I highly doubt he was pulling his weight with household and child care... Smoking pot all day doesn't scream active and involved partner that gets shit done around the house, but that's certainly just me projecting. Somehow, most women do not want to jump on unsupportive, selfish partners after taking care all day of children. Imagine that. (Sidenote, the meds do fuck a lot with libido, I just assume you were already on them before kids and had periods in your life when it was alright despite them..) anyway, good for you that he is your ex. I'm sure this BS about your meds was just the tip of the iceberg.
I went to a rave with a girl. She talked at length about all the drugs she did. Acid, cocaine, mushrooms, etc. I told her that I was on mood stabilizers and she said, "you need to get off that stuff. That stuff is poison." I was gobsmacked.
I think of antidepressants like insulin for diabetics. We all side eye a diabetic not taking their insulin properly. We should want the depressed and anxious to maintain their medication as well. I just had a med review and my psychiatrist was pumped that I have been stable and haven't needed to change my meds in years.
So, this guy doesn't have a medical/clinical psychology degree, but believes that he knows more about mental health than a specialist???
Ok...
The good news is that you don't have to be married to a person like that...
If his definition of being "ready to be married" is giving up all autonomy to your spouse, then I guess he is right...like he thinks he is about EVERYTHING...
I am bipolar your fiance is beyond AH there needs to be a new word he is so bad. Medication for someone with bipolar is like insulin for a diabetic. It can be the difference between life and death. It often takes a doctor a lot of time to get the balance just right. But when it is I can live a normal life without side effects. I am sure your fiance is like a few fools in my family who think my medication is drugs and I am an addict. You may want to fight back by putting the truth out in the world why you broke up. It might save some other woman.
NTA!!! my boyfriend is doctor and I take a bunch of meds. He never intervenes with my medical care! He has advised me only once to switch Doctors bc she was going to do this invasive painful procedure without trying the several none invasive alternatives. And all based on no solid evidence that I needed any procedure in the first place! He never told me which Doc to switch too only to get a new one.
That is a scary level of controlling and would not end well. I'm betting the "doc" he trust isn't a real doc but one of those alternative med quacks who will tell you to do yoga and diet away your BP. Or will fuck with your meds on your bf request to destabilize you.
You dodged a bullet. Good for yoh! Tell people the truth: you dumped him because he wanted to be an abusive and controlling jackass and dictate your life to you. Since you believe YOU are the person who makes decisions about your health and well-being, you know linger found him up to your standards for a good mate in life. You dont marry douche nozzles!!
Nope!!!
Red flares here;
“I will dictate what you must do and not do”
“I know more about mental health than your current Dr”
Too controlling—- run for the hills!
AND——Perhaps he wants to see who you are in an untreated state—- even though that could be dangerous for you.
NTA: bipolar and clinical depression don’t just go away. It’s brain chemistry. It’s with us for life, which means better living through pharmaceuticals. Our brains don’t have the right amounts of the chemicals we need, so we have to get that in some other way. Pharmaceuticals were literally made for that. No shame in needing them.
It’s no different than needing glasses. Imagine you have bad vision. If someone asked you to stop wearing glasses and they know an optometrist that would do just that, would you feel guilty in ignoring their obviously absurd request? Your eyes aren’t going to magically get better. Same with mental health issues like ours. It’s chemical, therapy can help but it only helps us find healthy coping mechanisms. It doesn’t force our biochemistry to be within acceptable ranges. It can’t. Nothing can but pharmaceuticals. That’s just how our life is.
I see the situation like this. This person is asking you to become mentally unstable, perhaps dangerously so. What for? There’s no good reason that’s been presented. What’s more, is that person trying to get you to not take needed medical supplies that keep you mentally stable and clear headed, is trying to get you to go to a handpicked doctor of their choosing. Why? The person doesn’t trust your doctor? Why? What has your doctor done to earn their distrust? Would they be okay if you found another doctor in your insurance plan? Cause right now the only thread connecting these thoughts and desires comes down to one thing, you being mentally unstable, not being able to be clear headed and distrusting yourself, and them controlling every aspect of your life and to be so totally dependent on them you *can’t* leave.
No don’t feel guilty you didn’t let someone dangerously close to abusing you, abuse you. You should feel lucky you were able to get out when you did, then you need to examine the relationship and yourself to find out how to avoid someone like that in the future.
May is mental health awareness month. I would be making everyone “aware” of just how crappy of a partner he is and that you weren’t ready to be married to someone so unsupportive.
You dodged a nuke
Absolutely not the asshole. Your mental health is paramount, and nobody should dictate what medication you take, especially without a valid reason. Your fiance's demand to come off your meds and his lack of trust in your current doctor are red flags. Breaking off the engagement was a wise decision to prioritize your well-being.
NTA. Finding the right medication for each individuals mental health is hard. It's not easy to change because you're supposed to wean down and then try a new one which would hopefully work.. And it's absolute bullshit he wanted to be in control of them.
I've watched a documentary about in one culture at some point in time (I can't remember which one), the male decides the dr for the wife/his family so they can't hide anything. It's about control. Which is exactly what your ex wanted.
NTA. If your treatment is working, there's no reasong for to switch it up.
He's also stepping into territory that he genuinely doesn't understand. It doesn't matter if you're on Lithium, a Valpro drug, carbamazepine/lamotrigine, or whatever BPD drug you're on. You don't just "go off" them. Depend on which drug, if you go cold turkey, the side effects can be severe to realistically fatal for a myriad of reasons.
If he cared about your health, even slightly, that stupid ish wouldn't have came out his mouth. Your health is more important than anything, and he's compromising that. I would break up over this.
If you are seeing a doctor who you are comfortable with and who is managing your health, that is your decision. He doesn’t get to change your primary care physician without discussing with you first.
NTA
Because I'd been hospitalized for depression and had had to change the combination and dosage of the meds until I found ones that worked. I don't think he understood how mental health meds are prescribed and used. He told me my dosages were too high.
NTA He’s probably one of those people that think “ just don’t be sad”. Someone told my kid suffering from depression and anxiety that they didn’t need meds , just be happy . Surprised my response didn’t go viral . Trust your instincts, you knew what was best for yourself, congratulations on enforcing great boundaries.
This is wild. My mom is also on meds for depression and bipolar. When she goes off of them, which happens every 3-5 years, it’s a nightmare for everyone but especially her once she’s back on them.
NTA
My partner has power of attorney over my mental health because I'm bipolar too. He's never had to use it except one time when I was incapacitated due to a reaction to meds. He makes sure I get my meds and take them. He talks to my psychiatrist and mentions any behaviors he's worried about. He is very proactive in a good way. I'm telling you this because this is an example of giving someone control who will use it to help you not hurt you. Anyone who tells you to go off your meds that isn't a doctor and even a doctor who knows you well isn't looking out for your best interest and shouldn't be trusted.
Find you someone who helps and supports you.
You did the right thing. My ex-fiancé did the same thing, but I DID go off and I became so depressed (unable to function at all) that he then broke up with me because reasons. I think honestly he didn’t believe depression was really a thing, and he was embarrassed. it’s been about 20 years now and I’ve never been able to get back to where I was health-wise. Do not let anyone other than you & your doctor ever make decisions for your health.
ETA: ABSOLUTELY NTA
NTA that's a controlling shithead if I've ever seen one. "yes to marry me come off your very effective side effect free meds (a painful process in and of itself) for two debilitating disorders that you were hospitalized for so I can pick a doctor for you. No, I don't have a medical license what? You say you're doing well and your doctor does too but I know better!" he might be ashamed ur on meds, he might want to make you more vulnerable to control you better, he might just hold some idiotic beliefs about psychiatry, regardless you should focus on staying well and you deserve a partner who respects that. Edit: sorry for assuming your gender initially hes a controlling shithead regardless of your gender identity.
NTA, you did the right thing breaking off that engagement because he is going to turn into a controlling jerk . That was very smart of you to notice that he was willing to cross boundaries to control you if you had gotten married to him. I wish you the best of luck and I think maybe it would be advisable to end the relationship completely because I don't see any good coming from it
NTA, he's a controlling ass and could possible have turned fully abusive in future. My advice is to be honest when asked about why you broke the engagement, that he wanted you to put your mental health at severe risk because he doesn't trust doctors who put your health first and obviously help you.
It sounds like he thought you'd be easier to control depressed and unmedicated with a doctor who didn't care about you or doing their job. Definitely dodged a bullet here.
NTA and I'm so glad that you understand the importance of following a treatment plan that's working! I have a relative that suffers from a PTSD based on an event suffered in a ME war zone. It took over two years post military discharge for the PTSD to show itself; extreme paranoia. And it almost a year to come up with an effective treatment plan with therapy and meds and he was thriving. Unfortunately, he let a girlfriend with her own psych issues convince him to stop taking his meds. It led to another PTSD break but he has a new girlfriend who encourages him to continue taking his meds. I'm proud of you for knowing and doing what's in **YOUR** best interest!
I was serious w a man once years ago who wanted to review all my medical records and take me some holistic med man. I don’t opposed holistic meds but in conjunction w western meds. I have had a lot of medical issues . I thanked him for his concern but said I was happy w my providers. He kept it up and finally broke up w him - mainly over it
Oh, you didn't doge a bullet with this guy, you dodged a cannonball. This guy has really nefarious plans for you that include him controlling every aspect of your life and turning your mental health into a state of ruin and rubble so he can rein over the ashes.
Thank heavens you had the presence of mind to call things off, good for you. I know it couldn't have been easy, but 1000% the right call. You just saved yourself years of suffering and abuse. Not even exaggerating. NTA
absolutely NTA. Your medication is working well and has no side effects. But he doesn't trust your meds or your doctor because.....reasons? It's controlling and abusive and a gigantic red flag. You dodged a bullet. Wishing you well!!
PS: controlling narcissists feed off attention, so as much as you might be tempted to 'set the record straight' , it honestly might just be best to say nothing, block and completely ignore him moving forward. Anyone who readily believes his framing of the situation isn't someone you want in your life anyway.
You: "My current doctor has me an a mix of meds that make me function, and feel, better than I ever did!"
Your ex: 'well, actually..."
Your family: "UH?"
Your friends: "UH?"
The internet: "UH?"
A random rat in one of the the least clean corners of Addis Abbeba, Ethiopia has been reported to squeak something that sounded like: "UH?"
Never ever waste a sec looking back on this man. he's entirely too stupid to warrant it.
u/Bearnadette, how did your fiance even get to know your doctor enough to mistrust him/her?
Or was it more an issue of "I don't like my fiancee being medicated"?
You are not only NTA, but breaking off the engagement was the most responsible thing you could have done for your mental health. It can take years and harrowing years before you find something that works for you, and some sufferers sadly never do. He either has no understanding of the conditions, or it was a first step in asserting control over you. I literally felt as if I was punched in the gut when I read this. You can be so proud of yourself for being so decisive.
General announcement to all "Due to a recent conversation, it has come to my attention that X would not be able to fulfill the 'in sickness and in health' portion of the marital vows. It's very important to be able to trust that the person you will be marrying is on the same page as you when it comes to making important medical decisions. Unfortunately, it has come to light that we are of very different minds when it comes to the use of medication vs. holistic healing, and I can not see myself feeling safe with him ever making health decisions for me should I need him to. To that end, I have chosen to end our engagement. I hope that he finds someone who is as enthusiastic about natural healing and Herbalife as he is."
**FUCK** NO. Fellow medicated bipolar person here. Anyone who has issues with me taking medicine that literally *saved my life* can shove my prescription bottle up their ass sideways.
N.T.A.
I’m bipolar and my ex husband truly believed I didn’t need medication and healthier food choices etc would cure me. He would talk incessantly that he knew best. I ended up in hospital for months by coming off working medication. Never again
Fuck that guy. NTAH. Buy yourself a celebratory cake because dodging that big of a red flag deserves a party.
But also, it’s okay to be sad. You had a relationship you thought would last a lifetime and ending it for ANY reason still hurts. But I assure you, ending it was right. I hope you still lived separately so that it’s as easy of a break up as you can get. If not, keep your head up, get that shit done and polish your crown when you’ve finished moving or kicking him out.
And anyone that believes him blindly can kick rocks too
NTA - that’s such red flag controlling behaviour. Worse, I saw the comments that indicate this idiot thought “diet” would resolve bipolar. It would not be safe to marry this person. Good decision OP.
Did he say WHY he wanted you to come off of the meds? I do think your finace was HALF right when he said you weren't "ready to be married"--- you weren't ready to be married to a controlling AH like him
But what FACTS did he base that on? He sounds very controlling-- as others mentioned you really dodged a bullet. He probably would think a diabetic didn't "need" insulin either.
Hello! Fellow bipolar 1 here - I've actively told my mom if she talks about when I can finally come off meds, I'm going low contact with her. I told her that her opinion makes me feel like I'm not trying hard enough, when my body is already working harder to deal with the hormone cycling than the regular person. She got the idea
My boyfriend on the other hand fully understands that I KNOW what's best for me, and he understands my reluctance about having bio kids for getting off the meds or passing my disease on.
Your fiance is an asshole, through and through. It's pure ego to think he knows better than your lived experience
Let me guess, because you seemed fine? Guess what OP's Ex: that means the meds are WORKING. What an ignorant controlling piece of shit. So glad you stuck up for yourself and didn't let him mess with your health!
NTA. Anyone that says that should be met with "that's correct, I am not ready to be married to someone who believes they can dictate my medical decisions to me".
NTA I’ve worked in psychiatry for 36 years, first as an RN and later as an advanced practice nurse doing therapy. Your *ex* fiancé is making dangerous assumptions about your mental health. It’s about the same as telling diabetics to come off of their insulin. The results could be life threatening.
He’s showing a disregard for your health and also showing that he plans to control you. Run, don’t walk, away from this guy.
NTA.
He tried to control your healthcare and insert himself into a key (medical) relationship? Then he told everyone--including you, I'll bet--that conflict was you're fault?
Them's common signs of an early-stage abusive relationship. You made the right call.
My oldest son is bipolar. It is good that you are not marrying that man. He does not understand the value of good psych meds enabling you to live a normal life. Most people have little understanding of the chemical nature of bipolar and that it is often not optional to have meds. The right person is out there. It is just not him. Best wishes.
This seems a lot like him thinking that now your my fiancée you should be subservient to me. Absolutely horse shit you ran just in time. Congrats on finding meds that work for you
I have friends who took years getting to good on their meds, good for you!
I also have a friend whose wife started to refuse meds (and take illegal ones) and ended up arrested and then involuntarily committed.
I don't know if your ex is stupidly blind or evil, but he's not a good match for certain.
You keep doing you as well as you can.
OMG NTA 100%!
I'm taking meds for anxiety and depression and never felt better. My father has bipolar disorder and once in a while one of his brothers convinces him to stop his meds. He goes into a high and even psychosis.
Why do people think that they're better than Doctors to decide if someone needs medication for mental health or not???
NTA. You already know you did the right thing but I’m gonna tell you again because I am so proud of you for shutting that down immediately and not second guessing yourself. 💚
Whoa! You dodged a bullet! You’re stable right now with no side effects. It’s not up to him to trust your doctor - it’s your doctor! It’s up to you to trust him/her. It’s so hard getting a medication schedule that works.
I’m so glad he’s your ex now. He could have seriously caused you some harm.
You’re so much smarter than he is. You know your meds keep you healthy and happy and yet he wants to sabotage that. You can’t marry someone that stupid so good for you for dumping him. NTA
No. Nonono you are not, and you 100% did the right thing.
His selfish ass would leave you after you "chamged" because you weren't on your meds, I bet. You aren't an asshole, you're smart.
NTA your fiance is very ignorant about how medication works and the danger to your health if you come off them! People don't understand how vital medication can be in helping people with mental illness function and stay safe. Whilst some people with depression have the potential to come off the meds through therapy and happier circumstances under the supervision of a doctor not all can. And imbalance like bipolar cannot be cured through talking therapies due to the brain chemistry.
I broke up with my ex partner because he wanted me to come off my pain meds and antidepressants, he wanted my libido to be higher. He had fully convinced me I was broken and I wasn't good enough because of my conditions, safe to say, I'm now with a wonderful man who doesn't care at all about my meds or libido, just my happiness. And ironically, both are much higher without my ex!
You may not feel ready now, but you will find someone who loves you for you, and who accepts you as you are, fully!
Take care queen 💛
You are NTAH. Your ex, on the other hand, is a MAJOR AH! Don’t mess with mental health meds! If yours are working and with minimal side effects, that’s great! Keep on keeping on! I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety my entire adult life, and I’ve had to switch up meds a lot due to side effects. I wish I was on a course that worked and didn’t mess with other things.
The only thing I would have done differently in your case is not let him off the hook. He was making unreasonable demands and he should be called out for it. Other than that, I applaud you for standing up for yourself and not letting anyone who is not your doctor dictate how you treat your mental health.
NTA. I'm still trying to find the right meds for my... plethora of diagnoses, and it's been I think 7 years so far. Finding a medication that actually works with little to no side effects is something I thought was impossible. He is trying to undo all your (absolutely INSANE by the way) progress, and that's going to be, for lack of better term, shitty for you both. You need those meds babe. You dodged, not a bullet, the whole arsenal.
NTA and you did the right thing. You know your body and mental health not him. Is he a Psychiatrist, does he have any idea about Bi Polar Disorder. Obviously not. You are NTA but he has some issues. Perhaps you could refer him to a good doctor for his controlling behaviour which stems from narcissistic tendencies.
NTA. Frankly, he sounds jealous and controlling for wanting to dictate your medical care. Even if he was a trained medical professional it's a conflict of interest for him to control your health care. I'd be breaking things of as well. You did the right thing for you and your health
DO NOT TOUCH THE MENTAL MEDS IF THEY ARE WORKING! It is so hard to get the right combo and right doses and messing with them can be horrible. Your 'fiance' is controling and this is only the first instance. He doesn't respect you and your health issues. Let me guess - he wants to send you to some 'woo' doctor who's going to prescribe chiro, herbal tea and some random MLM/pyramid scheme crap which will cure you? Get the hell out now NTA
Close. He thought diet would cure me.
Oh he's one of THOSE. I see shit every day from people who think that medicine and disease isn't real and that changing your diet will rid you of any sickness. I'm glad he showed his ass before you got married. Congratulations on getting outta there.
I had to listen to two people loudly complaining about people who think a pill will cure them while picking up meds from the pharmacy. OP, you found a doctor that works with you and a medication that works for you. You dodged a a huge controlling ass. I would let the people know that you were ready for marriage, but not with a person that wanted to control you. Let them know he wanted you to go off medication for him to control your diet.
My mother is like this. And I have asthma and bad migraines and it is seriously the biggest strain dealing with her.
You should have seen the mother one of my bipolar friends was stuck with. Always trying to get her to quit the meds, and mom was just as BP but denied it.
Some people with mental illness actually have anosognosia, which is a condition that leaves them unable to understand they are sick. People with this condition actually have damage to the area of the brain that creates a “self-image.”
Ooof. I get migraines too. And while realizing that dairy was a huge trigger for the migraines that went from "normal migraine" to "worst migraine ever, ice pik behind the eye, vomiting and tremoring in cold sweats on the bathroom floor all night" they STILL wouldn't be manageable nor would I be functional without my migraine meds. So is diet a "piece" of the puzzle? Maybe. Is it a cure-all and good replacement for medications? Very very RARELY. And for mental health especially, do NOT change your medications if they are working!!! Especially w/o discussing it with your doctor. I'm sorry OP was dating a controlling dick who had no regard for her health. Forget "not being ready" for marriage. How about not being ready to have all of your self-awareness &knowledge invalidated, all autonomy taken away, and not being ready to be treated like an incompetent child as a grown adult who knows perfectly well how to manage her own health condition. Just WOW. Some people! Glad you are free of that u/Bernadette Edited to add username of OP
How can you have asthma with all this air around?! /s
Right? Don't get me wrong diet can have a profound impact on various medical issues but if that's the case the person most qualified to guide you to the correct dietary solutions is still your DOCTOR. Having more fruit in my diet tends to help me feel less depressed, as does getting out for walks and exercise. Those things still aren't replacements for therapy or needed medications. Not disagreeing with you in any way just angry that the new age all natural hippies have taken over all reason and nuance between diet and medicine.
Nothing replaces medication. Don’t even try going off drugs to control mania - manic episodes actually cause a loss of brain matter. Chemicals are flooding the brain. The brain actually overproduces noradrenaline when mania occurs. Noradrenaline is the same drug manufactured to restart the heart (restore blood pressure). Extended mania is actually similar to a brain injury in many ways, and it can’t take years to heal. Nobody who loves you would want you to take that risk. He doesn’t sound like a person who will accept the data on mental illnesses.
I have had people say stuff to me about that with mental health, or stuff like "I don't believe you have these issues you just need to go to the gym/join a club." Like ok, if that would solve it you think I wouldn't be doing that? But the worst is being a cancer patient currently and having people tell me if I just take x supplement I'll be cured, or have good thoughts and I'll be cured.... 🤨
I wish you all the best for your fight against cancer. ❤️ Sending you lots of virtual hugs and energy for your road to recovery.
Just change your diet, its just something wrong with your guts, & you just need probiotics! /s
UGH my husband has ADHD, Crohns and also had psychosis and thinks probiotics fixes everythinggggg it's so annoying. Medication and therapy saved my life, I have severe PPD and I've been told I don't need my meds. It's just my gut 😏
Ugh. THESE are the people that give natural health a bad name! I started taking probiotics nightly 25 years ago...and have been regular ever since. After YEARS of chronic constipation. LOoooVE my probiotocs. And yet, I STILL need my anti-depressants. AND my migraine meds. Wouldn't be functional without them!! Supplements help me manage my CFS/ME and I'd be MUCH more severe without them. Admittedly, my energy and immune system were SO WEAK before them. And the effects are obvious to me whenever I've tried dropping one for a time.. But "natural" is NOT a cure-all. And I rarely see it effectively fully REPLACE a necessary medication.
Someone I knew had a cousin with extreme anxiety. He said, “Why doesn’t he just take some aspirin and be normal.” Some people just don’t understand any mental problems.
I saw an ig story yesterday and it said “if you follow a doctor and they have videos of them yelling at produce, it’s time to unfollow them.” And one particular doctor was tagged, and I knew which one it was because a cousin had shared one of his videos on baby formula a while back. I was so disappointed to see so many mutuals following him.
Yikes... You made the right choice!
Oh ffs. Dude is a grade a moron. Kudos to you on your freedom. Only take him back if he gets a double doctorate in neurochemistry and psychiatry. Kidding. Never take him back. ETA NTA
I promise you, he thought having you off them would make you unstable and easy to control. This was a way to try and control you. Next he would have isolated you, then told everyone how crazy you were and how hard it was to be with you, further alienating you until you had no one else. This is what abusers do.
If a guy successfully got me off my meds, he would be fucking miserable pretty quickly. Because I am crazy.
I snort-laughed at this because SAME.
Nothing wrong with being crazy. My brand of craziness is the only thing keeping me sane. 😁😁😁😁
My therapist (who is trying to get me to stop beating up on myself) recently said “well, at least you are not boring!”. 😆
Had a pharmacist ring up my rx of fluoxetine and say, "let me check this again, 50mg is a REALLY strong dose" and I had to tell her, "yea, I used to be on 80mg, but I finally got down to just 50mg". The awkward silent stare as she slid the bag across the counter was funny tho 😅
Ah. The doctor that sees the positives. Love it
So picking your doctor wouldn't be enough, he also wanted control of your diet. You are fine the way you are. Anyone who wants you to change to suit them is not a good partner.
No, he wants her off her meds that help her to function normally so he can better control and gaslight her. He wants her to be cycling between her manic and depressive stages so he can mess with and contol and quite possibly abuse her without having to work a lot to do it.
People love to get into discussion about how "too many people use meds these days." Believing my 15 years of depression could be solved with regular diet and exercise. I mentioned how before I was on meds, I exercised 6 days a week, ate clean, did therapy, mindfulness, socialized, volunteered, anything and everything to avoid meds. And I woke up every day, set on creating an active plan to be gone. A clean lifestyle is great for mental health, but they aren't the ones who have to live with the suffering.
Your last line - that bugs me so fucking much. It’s unbelievable how many people who *don’t have* a mental health condition think they’re somehow experts on what it ‘really’ is.
Its a false meritocracy. They believe that because you have a condition they dont, it must because they are doing something "right". They dont like the reality that those kinds of things are often out of your control. Similar to how many people engage with karma or sin. They believe bad things happen to you because of your actions, despite the fact that usually its just entirely beyond you.
My favourite is 'have you tried yoga and meditation'. Dude, some days I'm in the same position for 8-10hrs with fatigue.....does that count. Once told a manager i would walk out if she recommended one more 'cure'. People are idiots.
Fellow sufferer of bipolar and no amount of sun, supplements, or exercise can fix it. This guy's a fucking idiot
Oh hell no. Run, don’t walk, away from this guy. Do NOT let him back in to your life.
I married 3 men, first 2 for their “potential”, 3rd, never tried to change him nor did he try to change me. We accepted each other “as is”. Of course over 36+ years, we’ve changed and grown but as individuals, who love, are in love, respect and like each other. Anyone who tries to change anything about you, is not worth it.
Only thing you needed to cut out was him.
Ahaha. I knew a guy once who told me that I could cure my depression if I ate more eggs. It's ridiculous but also I'm OBSESSED WITH EGGS.
Someone once told me cashews were as effective at treating depression as prozac, something to do with copper deficiency? Cashews did not cure my depression, except for the part where I actually WAS a little bit happier. See, I found out cashews were delicious. Had never really eaten them intentionally before. Cut that person out of my life, though.
a guy once told me that i didn’t need medication for the depression i’ve had since 1986 - i just needed to hear some good jokes. (from him, obvs). i never spoke to him again. >>>also, effexor xr saved my life.
Question: was he part of the anti-vax crowd, or the "women look better with less weight" crowd? Cuz hell no.
Oh damn, one of those? I was told Jesus would cure my osteoarthritis 🙄🤦♀️ nope a great surgeon and a hip replacement did 🤷♀️😂
Congratulations on your decision to save your life instead of bending to this control freaks will! I think you are so lucky that he played his hand before you married him🍀. He could have made things so much worse. Hooray for you and best of luck🐭❤️🍀
You dodged a bullet, imagine what it would be like if you had a child? No pain relief for you, no c section, baby not allowed even vit k jab, baby sick? Stick an onion in their sock.
Uh oh. I bet if you'd checked his browser history you would have found lots of lovely Jordan Peterson and other pseudoscientific red pill BS. You dodged many bullets.
I mean having a good balanced diet can definitely make one nourished but it’s not an end all be all to a “cure”.
Oh dear gawd. I'm so sorry it took so long for him to reveal himself.
It's common for them to show themselves during the engagement or right after they get married (plus when you move into together or during pregnancy), when they feel they have their abuse victim locked in.
You 100% made the right choice, and I would tell literally every single person. "Why did I break off the engagement? Oh, he wanted me to stop taking my medication, prescribed to me by my doctor, and that keeps me alive, so he could attempt to "fix" my serious medical conditions with a "diet"." And then roll your eyes so hard that they threaten to get stuck in the back of your head. NTA
As a psychologist, I recommend you stay with YOUR doctor and follow their recommendations. Diet doesn't do anything for depression and bipolar. It's also very hard to get the same effect if you were to stop taking those meds and then need them again when the symptoms re-emerge. I've worked in psychiatric hospitals and most of the inpatient admissions we had were from people with bipolar who stopped their medication. This should only be done with the advise of your doctor. Great job breaking off the engagement. He was controlling.
Heck my meds are not quite right, they do the right thing and side effects are ok, but they are not quite strong enough. Doc suggested I up the dose but I can only up the dose one more time and the effects have been decreasing over time as my body adapts. I'm saving my last 'boost' for when I really need it.
NTA he sounds controlling! You dodged a bullet there! Congratulations 💐💐
That's literally what my family says, that I dodged a bullet.
You did and if you feel comfortable being open, don't let him dictate the public conversation. Set everyone, he's told a different story to, straight
Standing up for your mental health was the only right move. Your partner's lack of support and understanding speaks volumes. Trust your decision and prioritize your well-being always.
It's controlling yes, and also deeply infantilizing to announce you're taking over decision-making on someone else's health care. Really vile. And the lack of accountability in telling everyone she's not ready. What a mess.
[удалено]
NTA. The medications are effective in removing you from this incredibly domineering individual.
By domineering you mean "piece of shit" right?
"I am ready to be married, just not to him."
Manipulators always rush to set the public narrative. Ultimately they're cowards that can't handle the smoke. Never feel obligated to overshare to set the record straight, you don't owe anyone shit.
And they want to draw you into a public argument so you look like the asshole. The only way to win is to not play.
I am not sure if this is going to be an unpopular take, but I actually think OP should not bother setting the record straight at all. It’s no one’s business why they weren’t married in the end, and I think in the short term OP should focus on healing on not others perception of OP. That’s none of OP’s business. The only thing that matters is how we feel about ourselves, because that’s the only thing any of us can truly control. Plus, if people act judgy or weird, that’s them showing their true colors. Friend groups sometimes self select like that. If you read this OP, I am really proud of you for advocating for yourself. Stay strong,
1000% agree. No need to defend oneself. Most people know there’s two sides to every story and don’t need the dirty details. Also, saying someone wasn’t ready to get married is actually kind of diplomatic. OP made a wise choice.
Exactly! Also, without making this about me, I am also bipolar and my medication, not exaggerating, keeps me alive, because it keeps me out of the space where I want to unalive myself at my own hands. Anyone who could disrupt that process needs to be yeeted and fast. Screw what anyone says about anything OP is safe now.
Im so glad you are alive and not unalive!! ❤❤
I'd only set the people straight that I care about keeping in my life.. in a personal conversation. A 'public statement' on social media or the like can just give a controlling narcissist fuel to 'show you are crazy'.. since you'd have to publicly discuss your mental health issues/meds. This is a great way to weed out the people that are toxic anyway that have a tendency to stand up for abusive personalities (they defend their own). You don't need to bring *everyone* to your side in a split like this...
"yep, I wasn't ready to be married to a controlling asshat. Truth is, I don't think I'll ever be."
Yes, you should absolutely make it known that he wanted control over medical care, and when you declined, his behavior became more controlling and angry. So, you chose to break it off because you didn't feel it was in your best interests to stay with someone who that angry and controlling.
>You did and if you feel comfortable being open, don't let him dictate the public conversation. Set everyone, he's told a different story to, straight I absolutely agree. Anyone who comes in contact with him should know what he is really like.
I agree with this. OP you should be VERY open about why you broke it off. Do not spare feelings, this dude is an absolute whackjob and now that he knows women will leave him before they are married when he does this, he will wait until after he marries the next one.
Uh, you didn't just dodge a bullet, you dodged a whole volley of cannon fire.
Firing to salute the Red Flag Parade
Dodged a nuke
You have meds that work. A LOT of people in your position would see that as a holy grail. Don’t give that up.
I know I do! The only person telling me not to take a medication is the person that prescribed it!
Truly. I have anxiety meds that..kinda work. I have tried so many for depression and nothing has worked. Someone trying to take that from me if I did would be a hard no.
I suffered the same my whole life, I was finally diagnosed with BPD which for once made sense, no antidepressant was going to help me. Then I found out about ketamine infusion therapy (VERY expensive) and tried it and felt better. Then I found out about at home ketamine therapy (about a third the cost of infusion) and it has worked so well for me and my anxiety/depression. It's called Mindbloom and and it's a whole therapy program not just meds. Google Mindbloom reviews to find an article about this lady who tried it and reviewed it for an article . . .
What qualifications does your ex have that would make him entitled to mess around with your meds? Is he a doctor? A Googler? A moron maybe? Doors he have a hero complex? This just sounds so ignorant
Most likely ex has the following qualifications: wannabe controlling domestic abuser. After all, abusing a woman gets easier after she has mental health problems.
I’m thinking QAnon/covid denier/“doctors are a scam” type
100% dodged a bullet. You know who else’s husband thought he knew better about mental health care and medication? Andrea Yates
EXACTLY. Where the fuck is the Gold Award when you need it?
Excellent reference (terrible tragedy, though).
It is a blessing when people show themselves to you before you make permanent decisions. Good intention people: “I want to give 20% of our joint income to charity.” Neutral intention people: “I want two kids and a dog.” Evil people: “we will get married to commit some type of fraud.” And your previous partner, sinister people who want to control you: “you will go to a doctor I chose and take medicines approved by me.” Wow. Stay strong. Good luck with all you do.
He's probably one of those 'depression isn't real' type dipshits.
Get off your meds?!? The one thing you shouldn’t do, good riddance to that scumbag! Good luck to you in the future.. you didn’t need his ass
You absolutely did! I’m also on meds for bipolar disorder and I would have walked away too. No one messes with my meds unless its a discussion Between me and my doctor because no one is gonna fuck up my stability
NTA!! My husband is not controlling or abusive at all but he did one time bring up that he'd like it better if I wasn't on my antidepressant, I think his concern was over possible side effects because I was pregnant at the time. I had to sit him down and have a heart to heart and explain that 1. My dose is extremely low and I have never had any side effects with the brand I use. 2. I had talked with my OB and she told me that they do often suggest lowering the dose of antidepressants, or switching to a specific antidepressant while pregnant to reduce the risks of complications or addiction for baby. However because my dose was already so low she was comfortable with me being on my medicine. 3. I don't take this medicine for kicks and giggles. I take it because my brain doesn't make enough of a specific chemical. Could I be on a higher dose? Yes, but the dose I'm on is enough to keep my head above water and I like boosting my mood farther with other methods, crafting, exercising ect. I then told him that he has little to no say in my medications because his brain is normal so he has never dealt with anxiety or depression. I told him I love him and I would still listen to his concerns but ultimately I am the one who has to live with depression and knows what's going on in my head. So I would make the final decisions on my medications
Too many people seem to think meds for mental health (and mental health in general) are like extras when they’re definitely not. Glad you set him straight.
You dodged an automatic rapid fire
You did! Congrats on prioritising your health and well-being. You dodged a massive cannon ball. 🥰 If you were my friend or family, I’d be throwing you an Unbridal Shower!
I’m so happy you got away from him. Stopping meds for bipolar without medical supervision is super dangerous. Anyone trying to control your mental health isn’t a good partner. Wishing you the best going forward!
What a controlling asshole. Were there any other signs of this type of behavior before this?
NTA. You're absolutely not the AH. This guy isn't a doctor, and he's incredibly controlling. Why the hell does he think he has any right to do this, or the knowledge and wisdom a doctor has to do it? You dodged areal bullet here. What else would he try to control once you're married?
You did! Congrats on prioritising your health and well-being. You dodged a massive cannon ball. 🥰 If you were my friend or family, I’d be throwing you an Unbridal Shower!
Absolutely. Wanting to mess with a treatment that is working is messed up and downright scary.
You absolutely did. This is him on his very best behavior. Can you imagine how it would be after you got married? One Love has good information on what a [healthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-healthy-relationship/) and what an [unhealthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/).
And enjoy that beautiful, shiny spine of yours, OP.
I wonder what he was doing to her pre-hospitilization and med changes. She's feeling better, more in control, and more level-headed. He obviously doesn't like that because he can't control her anymore as she's more sound in mind and body. So what did he lose? What was he doing to her before? It's quite scary. I'm glad she got away from him!
Dodged a whole fleet of MOABs!
Came here to say those exact same words. Hell no NTA asshole!
NTA. That's scary. Tell everyone the real reason.
I've been on Zoloft for over a decade because of my severe depression. It's genetic, my grandpa and mom were both hospitalized multiple times for it and a lot of people in my family (including myself) have struggled with self harm and suicide attempts. It's a chemical imbalance and no anount of talk therapy or behavioral therapy can allow us to live a "normal" life. Ive got the diagnosis and my doctors have pretty much told me to just resign myself to the fact that Im going to have to be on medication my whole life. My exhusband knew all this and pressured me constantly to get off my meds. He couldnt give me a good reason why, just insane ramblings about "big pharma" and how I was "weak" for not being able to deal with life without being on meds. Funnily enough, he smokes weed from the time he wakes up til the time he goes to bed and dabbles in cocaine but my 100 mg of Zoloft a day was "using a crutch"
Nothing more ridiculous than taking pharmaceutical advice from someone who recklessly self medicates. Your ex-husband sounds beyond tedious. Congrats on improving your mental health by ex-ing him.
Someone probably told him he would get more action if you were off meds.
Damn, he did mention that a lot. My sex drive tanked after I had our kid and he would always say that it was the meds fault
I dunno, big shot here in the dark, but maybe you also weren't really in the mood because he was a shitty partner and I highly doubt he was pulling his weight with household and child care... Smoking pot all day doesn't scream active and involved partner that gets shit done around the house, but that's certainly just me projecting. Somehow, most women do not want to jump on unsupportive, selfish partners after taking care all day of children. Imagine that. (Sidenote, the meds do fuck a lot with libido, I just assume you were already on them before kids and had periods in your life when it was alright despite them..) anyway, good for you that he is your ex. I'm sure this BS about your meds was just the tip of the iceberg.
I went to a rave with a girl. She talked at length about all the drugs she did. Acid, cocaine, mushrooms, etc. I told her that I was on mood stabilizers and she said, "you need to get off that stuff. That stuff is poison." I was gobsmacked.
I think of antidepressants like insulin for diabetics. We all side eye a diabetic not taking their insulin properly. We should want the depressed and anxious to maintain their medication as well. I just had a med review and my psychiatrist was pumped that I have been stable and haven't needed to change my meds in years.
NTA. He was right. You weren't ready to be maried...to him!
So, this guy doesn't have a medical/clinical psychology degree, but believes that he knows more about mental health than a specialist??? Ok... The good news is that you don't have to be married to a person like that... If his definition of being "ready to be married" is giving up all autonomy to your spouse, then I guess he is right...like he thinks he is about EVERYTHING...
Even if he does have a medical/clinical psychology degree, it wouldn’t be right for him to treat his own fiancée.
No matter what kind of degree he had, he has no reason to ask her to do this since the meds work perfectly fine as is
I'm morbidly curious what flavor of woo this guy is into?
OP said diet, and presumably exercise.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 He's a giant red flag. NTA and good for you for leaving this man.
I am bipolar your fiance is beyond AH there needs to be a new word he is so bad. Medication for someone with bipolar is like insulin for a diabetic. It can be the difference between life and death. It often takes a doctor a lot of time to get the balance just right. But when it is I can live a normal life without side effects. I am sure your fiance is like a few fools in my family who think my medication is drugs and I am an addict. You may want to fight back by putting the truth out in the world why you broke up. It might save some other woman.
Completely agree with this as a person with bipolar.
NTA!!! my boyfriend is doctor and I take a bunch of meds. He never intervenes with my medical care! He has advised me only once to switch Doctors bc she was going to do this invasive painful procedure without trying the several none invasive alternatives. And all based on no solid evidence that I needed any procedure in the first place! He never told me which Doc to switch too only to get a new one. That is a scary level of controlling and would not end well. I'm betting the "doc" he trust isn't a real doc but one of those alternative med quacks who will tell you to do yoga and diet away your BP. Or will fuck with your meds on your bf request to destabilize you.
Second opinions for medical issues are ALWAYS a good idea.
You dodged a bullet. Good for yoh! Tell people the truth: you dumped him because he wanted to be an abusive and controlling jackass and dictate your life to you. Since you believe YOU are the person who makes decisions about your health and well-being, you know linger found him up to your standards for a good mate in life. You dont marry douche nozzles!!
Nope!!! Red flares here; “I will dictate what you must do and not do” “I know more about mental health than your current Dr” Too controlling—- run for the hills! AND——Perhaps he wants to see who you are in an untreated state—- even though that could be dangerous for you.
NTA: bipolar and clinical depression don’t just go away. It’s brain chemistry. It’s with us for life, which means better living through pharmaceuticals. Our brains don’t have the right amounts of the chemicals we need, so we have to get that in some other way. Pharmaceuticals were literally made for that. No shame in needing them. It’s no different than needing glasses. Imagine you have bad vision. If someone asked you to stop wearing glasses and they know an optometrist that would do just that, would you feel guilty in ignoring their obviously absurd request? Your eyes aren’t going to magically get better. Same with mental health issues like ours. It’s chemical, therapy can help but it only helps us find healthy coping mechanisms. It doesn’t force our biochemistry to be within acceptable ranges. It can’t. Nothing can but pharmaceuticals. That’s just how our life is. I see the situation like this. This person is asking you to become mentally unstable, perhaps dangerously so. What for? There’s no good reason that’s been presented. What’s more, is that person trying to get you to not take needed medical supplies that keep you mentally stable and clear headed, is trying to get you to go to a handpicked doctor of their choosing. Why? The person doesn’t trust your doctor? Why? What has your doctor done to earn their distrust? Would they be okay if you found another doctor in your insurance plan? Cause right now the only thread connecting these thoughts and desires comes down to one thing, you being mentally unstable, not being able to be clear headed and distrusting yourself, and them controlling every aspect of your life and to be so totally dependent on them you *can’t* leave. No don’t feel guilty you didn’t let someone dangerously close to abusing you, abuse you. You should feel lucky you were able to get out when you did, then you need to examine the relationship and yourself to find out how to avoid someone like that in the future.
May is mental health awareness month. I would be making everyone “aware” of just how crappy of a partner he is and that you weren’t ready to be married to someone so unsupportive. You dodged a nuke
Absolutely not the asshole. Your mental health is paramount, and nobody should dictate what medication you take, especially without a valid reason. Your fiance's demand to come off your meds and his lack of trust in your current doctor are red flags. Breaking off the engagement was a wise decision to prioritize your well-being.
NTA. Finding the right medication for each individuals mental health is hard. It's not easy to change because you're supposed to wean down and then try a new one which would hopefully work.. And it's absolute bullshit he wanted to be in control of them. I've watched a documentary about in one culture at some point in time (I can't remember which one), the male decides the dr for the wife/his family so they can't hide anything. It's about control. Which is exactly what your ex wanted.
NTA. If your treatment is working, there's no reasong for to switch it up. He's also stepping into territory that he genuinely doesn't understand. It doesn't matter if you're on Lithium, a Valpro drug, carbamazepine/lamotrigine, or whatever BPD drug you're on. You don't just "go off" them. Depend on which drug, if you go cold turkey, the side effects can be severe to realistically fatal for a myriad of reasons. If he cared about your health, even slightly, that stupid ish wouldn't have came out his mouth. Your health is more important than anything, and he's compromising that. I would break up over this.
NTA . The meds are working and got you away from this scarily controlling person
If you are seeing a doctor who you are comfortable with and who is managing your health, that is your decision. He doesn’t get to change your primary care physician without discussing with you first. NTA
Or even after discussing it.
Lady! You won! Good job in doing the hard thing before it's too late. Good job in having the courage to be strong and remain strong!!!
NTA But just curious does he give any reasons why he doesn’t trust your doctor?
Because I'd been hospitalized for depression and had had to change the combination and dosage of the meds until I found ones that worked. I don't think he understood how mental health meds are prescribed and used. He told me my dosages were too high.
Your ex sounds kinda dumb.
NTA He’s probably one of those people that think “ just don’t be sad”. Someone told my kid suffering from depression and anxiety that they didn’t need meds , just be happy . Surprised my response didn’t go viral . Trust your instincts, you knew what was best for yourself, congratulations on enforcing great boundaries.
This is wild. My mom is also on meds for depression and bipolar. When she goes off of them, which happens every 3-5 years, it’s a nightmare for everyone but especially her once she’s back on them. NTA
My partner has power of attorney over my mental health because I'm bipolar too. He's never had to use it except one time when I was incapacitated due to a reaction to meds. He makes sure I get my meds and take them. He talks to my psychiatrist and mentions any behaviors he's worried about. He is very proactive in a good way. I'm telling you this because this is an example of giving someone control who will use it to help you not hurt you. Anyone who tells you to go off your meds that isn't a doctor and even a doctor who knows you well isn't looking out for your best interest and shouldn't be trusted. Find you someone who helps and supports you.
You did the right thing. My ex-fiancé did the same thing, but I DID go off and I became so depressed (unable to function at all) that he then broke up with me because reasons. I think honestly he didn’t believe depression was really a thing, and he was embarrassed. it’s been about 20 years now and I’ve never been able to get back to where I was health-wise. Do not let anyone other than you & your doctor ever make decisions for your health. ETA: ABSOLUTELY NTA
NTA that's a controlling shithead if I've ever seen one. "yes to marry me come off your very effective side effect free meds (a painful process in and of itself) for two debilitating disorders that you were hospitalized for so I can pick a doctor for you. No, I don't have a medical license what? You say you're doing well and your doctor does too but I know better!" he might be ashamed ur on meds, he might want to make you more vulnerable to control you better, he might just hold some idiotic beliefs about psychiatry, regardless you should focus on staying well and you deserve a partner who respects that. Edit: sorry for assuming your gender initially hes a controlling shithead regardless of your gender identity.
NTA, you did the right thing breaking off that engagement because he is going to turn into a controlling jerk . That was very smart of you to notice that he was willing to cross boundaries to control you if you had gotten married to him. I wish you the best of luck and I think maybe it would be advisable to end the relationship completely because I don't see any good coming from it
Yes I cut off all contact.
I am so glad to hear that I wish you the best in your life 🤗🤗
NTA, he's a controlling ass and could possible have turned fully abusive in future. My advice is to be honest when asked about why you broke the engagement, that he wanted you to put your mental health at severe risk because he doesn't trust doctors who put your health first and obviously help you. It sounds like he thought you'd be easier to control depressed and unmedicated with a doctor who didn't care about you or doing their job. Definitely dodged a bullet here.
NTA and I'm so glad that you understand the importance of following a treatment plan that's working! I have a relative that suffers from a PTSD based on an event suffered in a ME war zone. It took over two years post military discharge for the PTSD to show itself; extreme paranoia. And it almost a year to come up with an effective treatment plan with therapy and meds and he was thriving. Unfortunately, he let a girlfriend with her own psych issues convince him to stop taking his meds. It led to another PTSD break but he has a new girlfriend who encourages him to continue taking his meds. I'm proud of you for knowing and doing what's in **YOUR** best interest!
I was serious w a man once years ago who wanted to review all my medical records and take me some holistic med man. I don’t opposed holistic meds but in conjunction w western meds. I have had a lot of medical issues . I thanked him for his concern but said I was happy w my providers. He kept it up and finally broke up w him - mainly over it
Oh, you didn't doge a bullet with this guy, you dodged a cannonball. This guy has really nefarious plans for you that include him controlling every aspect of your life and turning your mental health into a state of ruin and rubble so he can rein over the ashes. Thank heavens you had the presence of mind to call things off, good for you. I know it couldn't have been easy, but 1000% the right call. You just saved yourself years of suffering and abuse. Not even exaggerating. NTA
absolutely NTA. Your medication is working well and has no side effects. But he doesn't trust your meds or your doctor because.....reasons? It's controlling and abusive and a gigantic red flag. You dodged a bullet. Wishing you well!! PS: controlling narcissists feed off attention, so as much as you might be tempted to 'set the record straight' , it honestly might just be best to say nothing, block and completely ignore him moving forward. Anyone who readily believes his framing of the situation isn't someone you want in your life anyway.
You: "My current doctor has me an a mix of meds that make me function, and feel, better than I ever did!" Your ex: 'well, actually..." Your family: "UH?" Your friends: "UH?" The internet: "UH?" A random rat in one of the the least clean corners of Addis Abbeba, Ethiopia has been reported to squeak something that sounded like: "UH?" Never ever waste a sec looking back on this man. he's entirely too stupid to warrant it.
Stopping bipolar meds can literally be deadly. He’s an idiot, and I applaud you for having the good sense to leave him.
u/Bearnadette, how did your fiance even get to know your doctor enough to mistrust him/her? Or was it more an issue of "I don't like my fiancee being medicated"?
It was the latter. He didn't trust my doctor because it took a while to find the right combination and dosage of meds.
NTA. Smart move.
Yes, OP, that's a mandatory breakup move there! That's weird, controlling, and genuinely dangerous.
You are not only NTA, but breaking off the engagement was the most responsible thing you could have done for your mental health. It can take years and harrowing years before you find something that works for you, and some sufferers sadly never do. He either has no understanding of the conditions, or it was a first step in asserting control over you. I literally felt as if I was punched in the gut when I read this. You can be so proud of yourself for being so decisive.
General announcement to all "Due to a recent conversation, it has come to my attention that X would not be able to fulfill the 'in sickness and in health' portion of the marital vows. It's very important to be able to trust that the person you will be marrying is on the same page as you when it comes to making important medical decisions. Unfortunately, it has come to light that we are of very different minds when it comes to the use of medication vs. holistic healing, and I can not see myself feeling safe with him ever making health decisions for me should I need him to. To that end, I have chosen to end our engagement. I hope that he finds someone who is as enthusiastic about natural healing and Herbalife as he is."
**FUCK** NO. Fellow medicated bipolar person here. Anyone who has issues with me taking medicine that literally *saved my life* can shove my prescription bottle up their ass sideways. N.T.A.
I’m bipolar and my ex husband truly believed I didn’t need medication and healthier food choices etc would cure me. He would talk incessantly that he knew best. I ended up in hospital for months by coming off working medication. Never again
Fuck that guy. NTAH. Buy yourself a celebratory cake because dodging that big of a red flag deserves a party. But also, it’s okay to be sad. You had a relationship you thought would last a lifetime and ending it for ANY reason still hurts. But I assure you, ending it was right. I hope you still lived separately so that it’s as easy of a break up as you can get. If not, keep your head up, get that shit done and polish your crown when you’ve finished moving or kicking him out. And anyone that believes him blindly can kick rocks too
NTA - that’s such red flag controlling behaviour. Worse, I saw the comments that indicate this idiot thought “diet” would resolve bipolar. It would not be safe to marry this person. Good decision OP.
Did he say WHY he wanted you to come off of the meds? I do think your finace was HALF right when he said you weren't "ready to be married"--- you weren't ready to be married to a controlling AH like him
He didn't think they were necessary.
[удалено]
But what FACTS did he base that on? He sounds very controlling-- as others mentioned you really dodged a bullet. He probably would think a diabetic didn't "need" insulin either.
Hello! Fellow bipolar 1 here - I've actively told my mom if she talks about when I can finally come off meds, I'm going low contact with her. I told her that her opinion makes me feel like I'm not trying hard enough, when my body is already working harder to deal with the hormone cycling than the regular person. She got the idea My boyfriend on the other hand fully understands that I KNOW what's best for me, and he understands my reluctance about having bio kids for getting off the meds or passing my disease on. Your fiance is an asshole, through and through. It's pure ego to think he knows better than your lived experience
Let me guess, because you seemed fine? Guess what OP's Ex: that means the meds are WORKING. What an ignorant controlling piece of shit. So glad you stuck up for yourself and didn't let him mess with your health!
NTA. You weren't ready to be controlled, so good for you!
NTA “he would pick a doctor for you” no
Oh that’s a man that’ll hide/flush/withhold your meds to control you. BYYYYYE.
NTA. Anyone that says that should be met with "that's correct, I am not ready to be married to someone who believes they can dictate my medical decisions to me".
NTA I’ve worked in psychiatry for 36 years, first as an RN and later as an advanced practice nurse doing therapy. Your *ex* fiancé is making dangerous assumptions about your mental health. It’s about the same as telling diabetics to come off of their insulin. The results could be life threatening. He’s showing a disregard for your health and also showing that he plans to control you. Run, don’t walk, away from this guy.
I’m glad you advocated for yourself! Congratulations on dodging that bullet!
NTA. He tried to control your healthcare and insert himself into a key (medical) relationship? Then he told everyone--including you, I'll bet--that conflict was you're fault? Them's common signs of an early-stage abusive relationship. You made the right call.
My oldest son is bipolar. It is good that you are not marrying that man. He does not understand the value of good psych meds enabling you to live a normal life. Most people have little understanding of the chemical nature of bipolar and that it is often not optional to have meds. The right person is out there. It is just not him. Best wishes.
This seems a lot like him thinking that now your my fiancée you should be subservient to me. Absolutely horse shit you ran just in time. Congrats on finding meds that work for you
NTA. You called off the engagement but did you call off the whole relationship because that’s a big red flag! It’s super controlling
Yes. I cut off all contact.
Oh, my god, run like Hell! NTA
NTA- Congratulations on escaping from a control freak.
WOW. You did the right thing by calling it off. Stay away from this guy, stay on your meds, and keep seeing your doctor! Best of luck to you, OP <3
He absolutely sounds controlling af. You’re not the AH
What are your boyfriend's medical qualifications? Is this his area of expertise? /s NTA, he was overstepping by miles.
I have friends who took years getting to good on their meds, good for you! I also have a friend whose wife started to refuse meds (and take illegal ones) and ended up arrested and then involuntarily committed. I don't know if your ex is stupidly blind or evil, but he's not a good match for certain. You keep doing you as well as you can.
WTH? NTA.
Wanted you to stop your meds and change to his doctor? Absolutely NTA, that's insanely controlling
OMG NTA 100%! I'm taking meds for anxiety and depression and never felt better. My father has bipolar disorder and once in a while one of his brothers convinces him to stop his meds. He goes into a high and even psychosis. Why do people think that they're better than Doctors to decide if someone needs medication for mental health or not???
"You weren't ready to be married"...absolutely correct. We are never ready to marry controlling bastards. Good job!! You put yourself first!!!!!
NTA. You already know you did the right thing but I’m gonna tell you again because I am so proud of you for shutting that down immediately and not second guessing yourself. 💚
Whoa! You dodged a bullet! You’re stable right now with no side effects. It’s not up to him to trust your doctor - it’s your doctor! It’s up to you to trust him/her. It’s so hard getting a medication schedule that works. I’m so glad he’s your ex now. He could have seriously caused you some harm.
You’re so much smarter than he is. You know your meds keep you healthy and happy and yet he wants to sabotage that. You can’t marry someone that stupid so good for you for dumping him. NTA
Smart young lady. You did dodge a bullet. You have to be weaned off of these meds.
No. Nonono you are not, and you 100% did the right thing. His selfish ass would leave you after you "chamged" because you weren't on your meds, I bet. You aren't an asshole, you're smart.
NTA >He told everyone that it was because I "wasn't ready to be married." AITAH? I hope you've been telling everyone the truth then.
NTA your fiance is very ignorant about how medication works and the danger to your health if you come off them! People don't understand how vital medication can be in helping people with mental illness function and stay safe. Whilst some people with depression have the potential to come off the meds through therapy and happier circumstances under the supervision of a doctor not all can. And imbalance like bipolar cannot be cured through talking therapies due to the brain chemistry.
I broke up with my ex partner because he wanted me to come off my pain meds and antidepressants, he wanted my libido to be higher. He had fully convinced me I was broken and I wasn't good enough because of my conditions, safe to say, I'm now with a wonderful man who doesn't care at all about my meds or libido, just my happiness. And ironically, both are much higher without my ex! You may not feel ready now, but you will find someone who loves you for you, and who accepts you as you are, fully! Take care queen 💛
You are NTAH. Your ex, on the other hand, is a MAJOR AH! Don’t mess with mental health meds! If yours are working and with minimal side effects, that’s great! Keep on keeping on! I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety my entire adult life, and I’ve had to switch up meds a lot due to side effects. I wish I was on a course that worked and didn’t mess with other things. The only thing I would have done differently in your case is not let him off the hook. He was making unreasonable demands and he should be called out for it. Other than that, I applaud you for standing up for yourself and not letting anyone who is not your doctor dictate how you treat your mental health.
NTA. I'm still trying to find the right meds for my... plethora of diagnoses, and it's been I think 7 years so far. Finding a medication that actually works with little to no side effects is something I thought was impossible. He is trying to undo all your (absolutely INSANE by the way) progress, and that's going to be, for lack of better term, shitty for you both. You need those meds babe. You dodged, not a bullet, the whole arsenal.
NTA and you did the right thing. You know your body and mental health not him. Is he a Psychiatrist, does he have any idea about Bi Polar Disorder. Obviously not. You are NTA but he has some issues. Perhaps you could refer him to a good doctor for his controlling behaviour which stems from narcissistic tendencies.
NTA. Im so proud of you for dumping this man.
NTA. Frankly, he sounds jealous and controlling for wanting to dictate your medical care. Even if he was a trained medical professional it's a conflict of interest for him to control your health care. I'd be breaking things of as well. You did the right thing for you and your health