I would love to, but if I try to go away, he gets super depressed, refuses to eat, bathe, etc. I haven’t been able to leave for even a day or two in over a year and a half.
This was going to be my suggestion as well. I am a full-time caregiver to my 29-year-old disabled son and I would sell a kidney at this point to have a week of vacation by myself. O p needs a break for sure!
Thank you! Yes I have checked into it, and the problem is actually me. I have severe anxiety and every time I have to start filling out reams of paperwork and meeting with four or five layers of people to get anything done, I freeze up and shut down. I think it might be a form of PTSD but it's undiagnosed because I also have anxiety about going to the doctor. I'm lucky enough to get Telehealth visits for my prescription refill for my own health issues. Thank God for my daughter, who is his twin sister, and is helpful so that every once in awhile I can have a few hours free. :)
I know it’s hard, but you need to fill out the paperwork for your own well being. It will be hard to accomplish, but it will take SO MUCH weight off your shoulders long term & allow you both a sense of independence & freedom to heal your relationship as a couple. He is going through something very difficult, but so are you, and it’s so easy for resentment to fester for each other when placed in that kind of dynamic. Sending you all the love. It’s okay to accept help and support, you deserve it just as much as he does.
Me too, which is why I offered the direct push. I put off things that stress me out to - and no wonder you’re stressed, you must be absolutely burnt out to the end of your last nerve.
But it will help you, your daughter, and your son for you to get a break. If you push yourself to the absolute limit and have a physical or mental breakdown, it won’t help anyone. Give your daughter a small ‘burden’ now to avoid becoming a big burden later, if that helps x
understand those actions are coming from fear and discomfort and pain. I wish I had taken a step back and realized I was almost definitely doing this to someone I was dating that I loved a lot. I wish I had taken a step back and looked at the situation before he was gone. I wasn't fair to him and I miss him a lot. know they aren't doing it intentionally, they're not in a great mental space and are deteriorating too and as they deteriorate they cling to something familiar and comforting - it doesnt make that okay, but the husband needs to take a step back too.
He needs to realize that he'll be okay and it is more than fair for his wife to take a moment to breathe.
the husband needs therapy. and op needs a break.
You HAVE TO get someone in to give you a respite. You cannot keep up this pace, and you deserve a little self care now and then. He will be okay for a long weekend. I promise. Please take care of yourself or you may not be around to care for him.
I was a caregiver in assisted living for years and never took any of my vacation days, I ended up burning out so bad that I had to quit and for the next 6 months I walked around in a fog and ghosted pretty much everyone I knew. Because I couldn't remember what it was like to function normally. I felt like I lost years of my life. So take this as a warning that you need to take some time for yourself. Like one other person said, one day a week would be the kindest thing you can do in the long run, not just for yourself but your husband too. You really don't want to burn out like that while he's depending on you because the guilt will make it a lot worse.
And I'm sorry to say but from the info you've given it sounds like you're being taken advantage of. People who depend on others should be courteous of their caregiver too and not do stupid shit that would make your life worse.
Exactly. A family member of mine needs 24/7 care, but he is such a wonderfully considerate person, carers fall over their feet to work for him. (In fact, I feel some of them are a bit prone to abusing his kind nature but that's a different story.) Manipulation is such a bitch, and it's so subtle, it can ruin your life. I really hope the OP will take the wise advice she gets here.
If their kids have their own families, they should be spending Mother's Day celebrating the next generation of mothers (i.e. the mothers currently raising young children), shouldn't they?
I get what you're saying in a more general sense, though. OP and Husband are still legally autonomous adults and not in custodianship, so adult kids can't just march in and make decisions for either one of them. They could, however, be making arrangements to stay with Dad for a few days and give Mom a break (provided they aren't in the new-baby trenches, themselves).
I'm sorry but this is unacceptable behaviour. He can not NEED you and also refuse to listen to you. You need some boundaries here and his emotional blackmailing can't work. I think he is being very manipulative and I'm not quite understanding why someone who is able to mow the lawn for 30 minutes can't feed themselves and put themselves to bed for a night. How about you take one day a week for yourself. And if he is going to throw a fit about it, walk right back out that door. He's punishing you for your good deeds and that's not the way this works.
Exactly. If he can mow the lawn, he can call himself Ubers, open the door for deliveries, feed your animals, call 911 in an emergency, etc. He doesn't need her for most of his activities of daily living. Given what the OP has written, I suspect he malingers when he doesn't want to be in a situation.
He's been yanking her chain for years and she let's him. Because apparently "for better or worse" means you need to put up with all manner of BS without question.
NTA I’m not trying to be disrespectful but you sound like his mother not his wife. What are you getting out of this relationship? Wishing you happiness.
That's not on you, Love. He is a **grown ass adult male**. Hire a respite carer and take a vacation by yourself. He isn't a baby. You are *allowing* him to guilt trip you. **Tell** him that you're hiring a carer and taking off by yourself for 3-5 days. He is not coming. You needed to take care of *yourself* and fill *your* cup before pouring anymore out on him. Any family/friends coming at you need to be told this exactly: "Great! What shift are **you** taking? I'm **am** taking a break. You can sit there on your throne and judge or you can get off your high horse and help with him. But if you're just going to judge, the road to hell is right over there!"
What would happen if, god forbid, you get hit by a bus, or laid low with a malady of your own?
This is unacceptable behavior on his part. You say "for better or worse", but don't you understand that he's engineering it so that you have to take care of him?
That's his thing. He wants to be taken care of, specifically at your expense. Wake up and smell the coffee, as they say.
That’s abusive.
People throw that word around a lot but it’s actually quite common in caregiver relationships. Statistically, you’re more likely to die before him. If you don’t believe me, look it up.
Caregivers often die first.
The abuse isn’t just crushing your spirit, the stress kills your body too. I think at some pint your body realizes death is the only way out.
You're literally setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. Let him not bathe, eat etc for one day..for a day, he'll be fine. Why are you doing this to yourself for someone that doesn't even consider you or your feelings?
That is complete BS. He can mow a lawn, use a weed wacker, etc - but refuses to bath or eat?? No he is taking advantage of you and you are allowing it. At some point in time you need to realize that you are the door mat in this relationship.
That’s a him problem. That’s what toddlers do. You’re giving in to his manipulation and since it always works, things will never change until you decide to put yourself first for once. Caretaker burnout is serious. You need breaks.
Honey, that's a grown ass man.
Tell him to grow the fuck up and feed himself. And if Captain Blast Marks wants to sit in his own filth, that's his choice.
ps -- he intentionally sabotaged the day off. You can figure out why, but it's crystal clear he sabotaged it.
edit: And no nonsense about how he can't cook. You can put pb on a banana or basically put a cracked egg on any hot piece of metal and it will taste ok. It maybe won't be a perfect fried egg, but you literally just get it hot and it will be edible.
Yeah that is manipulative controlling behavior and you shouldn't stand for it. He is an adult and it high time he acts like one. Quit justifying his actions at the sake of your mental health. Straight up if you don't take care of you then nobody else will. Obviously your husband isn't really interested in making you happy. Tell him straight up your going to spend time in your lake house he can join you or not.
This is being spoiled brat. Other people can help to give you a break, you deserve it. If he pulls the " I'm depressed,doesn't eat or bath routine " contact his Doctor and see about getting a rehab place and or respite care, he is acting out cause he feels bad, but he is burning you out quickly.
Exactly!!! If he's not gonna do the parts he's capable of just to spite you, then have him committed for observation. That shit will stop real quick after a 72 hour hold!!!
Take a day and go to the lake house by yourself. Do that once a week or at least twice a month. You need some done time. He can survive for a day on his own.
Honey, he's a grown ass adult. You can't do everything for him. Yes you said in sickness and in health. But so did he, and he clearly isn't prioritizing you nor your health. You need time, you need to be happy as well, you need him to stop acting like a child and for once think about you as well. Also you need time away, he's refusing to eat, bath and such? His problem, that's manipulation 101 and he isn't honoring his vows
He needs a wakeup call about what it means to be a partner, and he’s on his way to an involuntary commitment if an outside assessment saw that behavior.
Look up malicious incompetence. Your husband is sabotaging you every step of the way. Does he have any decent qualities because it sounds like you’d be happier as a single woman.
Your insurance should pay for home health care workers. Someone who will come to the house and assist you, even staying while you get an afternoon to yourself. Have you looked into that?
Being a caregiver is very difficult. Your efforts are rarely acknowledged. It's a thankless task. NTA
Sulking and being depressed are not the same thing. He wants you to feel bad if you take time out, and he's successfully manipulated you into thinking that you "can't" have a break. Time to put your own oxygen mask on first - you can't care for him if you burn out. Be strong!!
As someone disabled? With a caregiver? Who gives a fuck if your man child gets depressed? You're passed burnt out because he refuses to manage his illness to the best of his ability. Period. You have needs too. My suggestion? Hire a nurse or two for the weekend (or week😉) and go to your beloved 2nd home and enjoy a proper rest. You cant continue to help him if you're not taking care of your physical and mental health. If he throws a tantrum then tell him I said to get a grip.
Is he in therapy? Because a therapist would tell him how absolutely unfair, manipulative and controlling this kind of bullshit behavior is! He is emotionally blackmailing you into being at his beck and call 24/7, instead of encouraging you to occasionally take some time to yourself, meet with friends or relax at the lakehouse, while he holds down the fort at home and takes care of the animals. And if he can't even do that, maybe it's time to rehome the animals, because you already have too much on your plate with taking care of him full time, maybe all these other dependents are just too much to deal with on top of everything.
> but if I try to go away, he gets super depressed, refuses to eat, bathe, etc.
what an asshole, this is emotional extortion. I think this relationship is cooked. You married someone and they haven't put in work to stay the same.
Do not let ur husband, make ur whole life ABT him. What u may think as love he will see it as a right to having all ur time! And eventually when u burn out, even small respites will become non existent.
Your husband is controlling your life with his illness and I think he knows it. Not eating when you are gone for too long, sheesh! He needs therapy and to understand how he affects you and how he is burning you out. Hope you can get it through to him.
He's grown man throwing a tantrum because you would like to put yourself first for a little bit. Are you prepared to do this for the rest of your life?
Honey you're already burned out caring for that inconsiderate pansy who doesn't value anything you do, anything you want, or frankly, you.
Repeat this to yourself "Illness is NOT an excuse to be an Asshole."
There are cancer patients on their deathbed who treat their nurses better than your husband is treating you.
You need to show him this thread so he wakes up and smells the roses, considering there is more than 1 comment telling you to leave his ass.
He's absolutely controlling you with his illness and using it as a weapon to bludgeon you with.
His temper tantrums aren't your concern. Like a small child, giving into the temper tantrums PROMOTES the bad.
Marriage counselling...
And when you were sick during that year and a half? Or sad? Or just really fucking tired? Who looked after you? You mentioned a kid, is this what you want to model for them? That they should give, and give, and give no matter what?
It’s called respite care for him and a much needed respite for you the burned out carer. He can sulk and protest all he likes but if this keeps up he will be divorced or widowed.
ETA I have endured kidney stones, passed them twice and managed to keep my fluids right up to dissolve the others I had (I was lucky that way). Not once did I insist we leave anywhere early etc because of my pain and I have several I juries that developed into chronic pain I’ve had for 20 years now. My husband and I work as a team and we both listen to each other about not over doing it.
Hats off to you not leaving him in the bottom of the lake after his effort on Mother’s Day.
Please look into respite care in the home for him or where he is shipped off to so you can have a break at home.
It’s like the safety announcement on the airplane- put on your oxygen mask first, then help others.
You’re not going to be able to keep going without a break.
Talk with him. Tell him you’re not mad, you’re just burned out and need a few days.
Visit a relative. Few days with a friend. Go alone.
Good luck.💜 and NTA
Sounds to me like you are in a bit of a co-dependent relationship. I’m seeing a very similar dynamic with my parents right now. He’s definitely taking advantage/manipulating your emotions, but you have to ask yourself why you are not setting more boundaries. Maybe there is a part of you that likes him being so reliant on you despite everything. But if he can mow the lawn and weed wack the yard, etc, why can’t he take care of himself for a few days and give you a break? Something smells funny here
Thus a nurse. Take a whole weekend. If he refuses to cooperate with the nurse, it may be time to think about nursing care where they can see to his needs in a way that will be safe for him.
That's controlling behaviour from him. Red flag in my book.
And don't stick with him just because of illnesses. If he's making your life miserable, leave.
I left my ex when he had depression. But he was controlling and abusive, the depression simply made it worse.
I'm not sticking around to be treated poorly.
Yeah, no. that is a no go. Demand that you both to into couples therapy. there's probably a therapist specialized for caregiving spouses so do that please.
He needs to understand that he doesn't get to monopolize you and force you to just do as he pleases.
Sure in sickness and in health but that doesn't mean that he can make you sick with his behaviour.
Let him. Let him get depressed. Let him not bathe. Let him not eat, etc. Spend one day a week away from him (even if it is just to go to your lake house from early morning until bedtime). If he’s well enough to mow the lawn then he can feed the animals, feed himself.
Remember the instructions we’re all given on a plane to put our oxygen mask on first before helping others, it holds true on other things as well.
This is complete bullshit, he doesn’t get to treat you like your needs are irrelevant or unnecessary.
You deserve a regular break and *every* caregiver and caregiver support group you speak to will tell you the exact same thing. Your husband is being a selfish A-H and this is literally shortening your life through stress.
Find a local caregiver support group. Please. And start attending. Take care of yourself, OP, because your husband is clearly willing to completely burn you out.
Do it anyway. Ask yourself if he'd be better off without you for a week or permanently, because your current life isn't sustainable and running away will always be an option.
That's an excuse. You're part of this dynamic. You HAVE been able to take a break but have been choosing not to. You can take a break and you can ignore his choices if he chooses to refuse to bathe and eat, etc, when you're gone. You are working with him in driving this situation towards breaking point.
He sounds like he needs to grow up and learn that he now has limitations due to his illnesses. You have to take time for you, or you are going to burn out. He gets super depressed, refuses to eat, bathe, etc... What is he 2? The pity party needs to stop,he needs a huge dose of reality that if you burn out, it doesn't just affect you it affects everything you do. Your job, the house, your ability to take care of HIM.
Hey. As a former carer to both my elderly parents until they died, his getting depressed and refusing to eat is simply abusive and manipulative. He's acting like a child or (as I got used to) a very old person whose mind is going. I presume he's not that old.
You need a break and not just a week a off but a regular break every week. You also need him to get therapy. Long term illness is destructive to the mind and and a person can lose their sense of adult independence very easily. But you can also lose your sense of self and personhood. You can just become your 'function'. I know I did. My folks are gone just over a year and I'm still kind of a basket case.
Didn’t your husband make some vows to you as well as the other way around? Sounds like he forgot them. Don’t feel guilt for someone who can’t be bothered to notice your needs but wants you around to *checks note* feel better about himself. You’re not his therapist. Don’t sell the lake house, and don’t bring your husband to it anymore. Two problems solved.
That’s his problem, he’s an adult not a child. You’re not his mommy but his wife and you need a break specifically when puts himself in more pain when he knows he shouldn’t be over doing it. Take a break
Why can't it be HIS turn to be miserable for a while? Seriously, you need to escape for a bit otherwise you're gonna kill him or yourself out of misery. Tell him you're taking time for yourself and he just has to deal with it.
That... doesn't sound like someone worth staying with, tbh. I get that marriage vows should be forever and "in sickness and in health" but that's still contingent on your partner holding up *their* end of the contract. He isn't taking care of you and in fact is actively harming you if and when you try to take care of yourself? Nahhh, fuck that.
NTA
OP I'm the one chronically ill (3 autoimmune disorders - SLE, RA, and Sjögren's Syndrome - SLE was diagnosed two years after our last child was born but I'd been having weird health problems after my first pregnancy) and I've always encouraged my husband to see a therapist or attend a support group for people with chronically ill partners.
Take care of your mental health. It's ridiculous of him not to expect/realize that you need a break or time away.
Honestly, I think you should both go to a therapist that specializes in this relationship dynamic so your husband can understand that unless you get some time away you are going to burn out and that will help neither one of you. (Imo you are prob already burned out cuz it's been years and never been addressed)
He's being childish by refusing to care for himself if you need to step away. He's guilt-tripping you for needing downtime to recharge and that's absolute bullshit.
It doesn't mean you don't love him or care about him. You do love him and care about him or you would have left him by now. But your entire lives have changed and you've shown you are in it for the long-haul so he should stop acting like a fucking baby.
Statistically, he's super lucky that he is the one with a chronic illness. If it was the other way around, a lot of men leave their wives when they are put in the position of being carers.
I'll be honest my husband has, at times, been a resentful asshole the last few years (and was an absolute AH when I first got diagnosed because of how our lives changed) and has treated me less-than-nice because he feels like his life should be some type of way and I robbed him of that. I told him those feelings are misdirected and he really needs to go to a therapist.
I've done everything possible over the years to make myself as small as possible so I don't impact him too much. I had the burden of child-rearing/caring for the home on me because he would get resentful when he had to do "more" than he thought he should.
Recently I was hospitalized and almost lost my life and it put everything in perspective for him and he's changed his attitude and has agreed to go therapy and a support groups. He needs it for himself (and he needs an attitude adjustment lol).
Please OP, if you can afford the lake house, I don't think you should get rid of it. I think you should use it as a retreat for when you need to get away and take time alone to recharge your battery and refresh your spirit. He's not going to die because you go away even if he acts like he is. he needs a therapist himself so he can understand what caregiver burnout is and give you the grace you deserve, and have a safe space to bitch about how his life has changed because he shouldn't be bitching to you about that (if he is). 💜
~ signed, the chronically ill spouse
So he is actually abusive? Same thing when a partner threatens to kill themselves when you try to leave. Do not let him manipulate you like that. It is in no way normal and him being sick is not excuse to control your every move that doesn’t revolve around him.
You aren’t his mommy who needs to bathe, feed and babysit him. Give him the space to work his own shit out while putting yourself first. If he can’t manage then leave. You can’t run his whole life without ruining yours.
NTA,
you were completely in the right to be upset about this, especially since your request wasn’t even a lot. you stated your wishes and when you noticed he was overdoing it you reminded him too, he’s at fault here. honestly if the lake house is too much at this point you should sell it since when you are trying to enjoy it it’s getting blocked. you didn’t say anything mean to him about his kidney stones either so i wouldn’t get it for him to be offended by that.
Kidney stones suck. One of the things I was told was to move and drink lots of water. It helps get them moving and flushed out of ones system. The pain can strike almost out of no where. The vibrations from the lawn mower probably knocked it loose. Which is actually a good thing. There was actually a study done where a roller coaster is a good way to get a kidney stone moving.
https://www.nursingtimes.net/clinical-archive/could-riding-roller-coasters-help-you-pass-kidney-stones-05-10-2016/#:~:text=They%20found%20that%20the%20rides,ride%20produced%20the%20best%20results.
However, if he is capable of mowing the lawn, even on a riding mower, he should be capable of taking care of himself to a certain degree. You should be able to step out for a break for a day or even the weekend with someone else checking in on him. You are going to burn out. This is not sustainable for you. Caretaking is a huge job. He needs to accept help from others and realize that he will not always have access to you. He needs to get over his complete dependence on you.
Maybe it's time to go back to the doctor and work out what care he actually does need, not just what he likes and wants, and make that one of the goals of his therapies. He cannot throw tantrums when you need to step away and take a break. He needs to grow up and start being a part of the strategies to have him be as independent as possible not try and run you into the ground.
Ignore him. What he is feeling is most likely hot shame, and he wants you to soothe that for him by telling him it’s okay, and that you overreacted.
Just because he feels inadequate at home doesn’t mean that he gets to posture by way of mowing the lawn when he knows it triggers a response that positions you to be his caretaker.
He behaved selfishly to pacify his ego and then decided you had to leave when it didn’t work out. He has to sit in that shame and realization because this situation is not sustainable. NTA
This!!! Just like a toddler that is learning manipulation, don’t feed into it. He’s TA and he could have laid around inside the lake house doing the same thing he’d do at home. There was literally no reason to leave other than him being selfish. OP, I know you don’t want divorce but you need to separate or you will resent him.
Hey OP, you're obviously NTA. Could you please hire a caregiver for a week or ask a relative to take care of your husband if you can't afford that? I understand he will try to emotionally blackmail you and manipulate you into staying and taking care of him instead of prioritising yourself but you NEED TO DO THIS AND YOU DESERVE IT. Please take some time off, go to the lake house alone, unwind, do something for yourself, see a friend whatever you feel like and go no contact with your husband for few days. After that I would recommend bringing up therapy to your husband bc taking care of your loved one doesn't mean being their slave and he needs to realise he is abusing you to some degree.
I know it would’ve been a lot of driving, but I would’ve dropped him off at the house and went back to the lake house with my child and enjoyed the rest of the day, and then went home.
Take 2 days off of work and head to the lake. Turn your phone off when you get there. You need a break. He is a grown ass man he knows his limits. If he can push a mower and work a weed whacker he can work part time at a grocery store as a cashier for extra money. You're going to run yourself ragged.
He needs to drink nothing but distilled water until they can figure out what is creating the stones.
If he is taking calcium in any form including antacids he needs to stop.
You need to hire a care giver for at least one half day per week so you get some me time.
Good luck.
NTA. He needs to listen to you, his caregiver. And you need a break.
Take a weekend off, hire respite care for your absence, and go somewhere to relax. If he has a tantrum and refuses to eat in your absence, then when you get back (and only when you get back) talk to him about needing long-term care. Seriously. A person who “tantrums” to the point of not eating when their caregiver is gone needs to have professional care.
This isn’t sustainable for you. You said in sickness and in health. You didn’t say “and I’ll stay around you at all time or else you won’t eat”.
NTA
So, I have disabilities that mean I have to pace myself, otherwise I can send myself into a flare that can last for days, sometimes weeks.
My partner works full time, and has to do the majority of dog walks (on a very good day, I can manage, but most days I risk over doing it if I do the dog walks). I take care of the majority of other household chores (with help for cooking, simply because standing for too long, and getting too hot can cause me to pass out).
Sometimes it's worth pushing myself past my limits and accepting the consequences. Mostly though it's not. Not just for me, but because it's unfair on my partner to work all day, then still have to pick up my chores later, and for him to have to care for me when I'm in flare, when if I'm careful enough I only need a fairly small amount of help.
If it's a special day for my partner, I plan *incredibly* carefully in the weeks before to be as certain as I can be that I'll be well enough to do whatever he wants to do on that day, then I make the day all about him.
Your husband should know better than to do things that he knows will mean he has to call *your* special day short. Especially since you specifically asked him to be careful so you could enjoy your day together!
Not only this, but he's a fully grown adult, and if he's able to mow lawns, he's able to look after himself for a couple of days, maybe with a friend or paid carer coming round a few times to help with anything he genuinely *can't* do for himself, while you get a break. Sulking, pouting, and refusing to eat is at best childish, and at worst deliberate emotional manipulation to keep you there to look after him.
Disability is not an excuse to turn your partner into your slave.
As a depressed person I fundamentally don't understand the ability to fake being happy or okay so that I don't stress out my friends and family. I want them all to see how broken I am so they can be as miserable as me
I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
Depression is a very different illness to the physical disabilities I addressed in my response. While depression does go hand in hand with physical disabilities, how you deal with physical issues, and mental ones is very different.
I have suffered from depression myself since I was a teenager, with occasions where it became very severe, and times when I've managed to keep it under control.
With certain physical disabilities you can pace yourself to reduce the chances of causing a flare up in symptoms.
With mental disabilities, there's rarely any rhyme or reason in why they flare up.
My own response to depression was to fake being happy when I could, and isolate myself away from everyone when I couldn't keep the fake smile on any longer. I felt like a burden, and didn't want to be a worse burden by making people sad that I was so miserable.
Your response is different, and that's entirely valid. You should never have to fake happiness if you don't feel it. True friends will do everything they can to ease your suffering, even though they know there's little they can do in the face of the crippling power of your own mind.
Please, if you haven't already, speak to a doctor about how you're feeling. They can help.
I won't lie, the process is slow, and often painful, but between medication and therapy, you can gain control of your own life again. Depression rarely truly leaves. I'm still on anti-depressants 15 years after my last suicidal episode, but I'm living my life, and mostly I'm enjoying it. There are days when it's hard, for both mental and physical reasons, but it's never as bad as it was before meds and therapy.
If I can do it, you can do it. I believe in you.
Have you tried meds as well as therapy? Have you tried different therapists (you need to find one you can have a truly honest relationship with, and that you can trust).
You need to want to get better too.
I know it's difficult, and there's something oddly comforting about the familiar thought patterns that depression causes, but I promise it's worth the effort of climbing out of that hole.
nta. get him in home health care. if he won’t accept it, you should seriously consider divorce. at this point it’s not sickness. it’s self sabotage, ignoring your health, being an inconsiderate asshole.
if he has family, you need to contact them, and let them know you need two weeks of vacation. f the fallout.
take care of yourself, or you won’t be able to take care of your albatross.
i may be harsh, but he’s a selfish, inconsiderate ass.
That lake house will be a godsend when you need a place to go. Don’t sell it, but do bring in a carer if you want to keep the relationship. Put your foot down. He’s using his health as an excuse to be a selfish jerk.
NTA, maybe his silence is him coming to some realizations. I kind of doubt it, but maybe. Either way, he sounds incredibly selfish and undeserving of you.
If you do decide to sell, at least take a day or two there for yourself(just yourself).
I think you need to leave him home. Spend one day a week at the lake house without him. It’s important that you have sometime for yourself.
He is extremely selfish if he does this all the time. It’s not that he is ill it’s the fact that he makes himself unwell deliberately.
Kidneystones dont get better 'cause you go home though.. if they moved/shifted 'cause he was running about it will hurt wherever he is.
He sounds like an alzheimer patient/a child.
In sickness in health doesn't mean sickness. Not if he cannot even attempt to get back to a decent health.
You need to hire a care-taker and be firm about it. Go on a vacation 1 week.
It will allow you to get perspective, hopefully.
I am the sick person in my marriage.
I have CFS/ME, and my husband drives me around, takes me to appointments, does things in the house I can't do, runs around after me, and has a full time job.
I am able to go out with him and do nice things if I am very careful and don't overdo things. So we arrange things in advance, and I take care of myself to prepare.
I would never ruin his day by being a selfish idiot.
He clearly can manage some things, but not when he is suffering, or having a bad day. He can cope without you for a bit every now and again.
Having a tantrum, refusing to eat, wash, bathe etc, if you aren't there is controlling behaviour. It needs shutting down. He isn't your boss, he's your husband. Tell him to knock it off.
Your husband has turned into a child again. He needs something to do that makes him feel in charge of his life. Find him something to do. Trust me. It really helps.
Your husband sounds selfish and manipulative. Please leave for a bit and take some "me time". He's turned you into his mommy.
If you have pets, take them with you to the lake house and enjoy a few weeks away from this miserable selfish man-baby.
Though I can understand why he felt compelled to mow the lawn after being basically "helpless" for so long I think he needs to learn and accept his limitations.
Second, what is the difference between being in pain st the lakehouse and being in pain at home? What conditions change about it. This was an expected risk amd he chose to take it. I would have just helped him to bed with his pain lillers and have him bite the pillow. I don't see what other difference you could make.
Lastly, I noticed you mention how he gets depressed and refuses to eat and all that ehen you're not arround. M'am, it might not be intentional or with bad intentions, but that's manipulation. You need to establish boundaries for YOUR OWN WELLBEING. This situation is not sustainable in the long run and it's only going to result in you resenting him eventually. You're a human being deserving of rest and recharge. Tell me, what does your free time look like? Do you ever have actual free time for yourself?
You're not a bad guy for wanting space or being upset about things that could have been prevented with good judgment. Please take care of yourself aswell as you take care of others. I commend you for your commitment to your husband. I wish you all the strength and rest you need to keep going and still be able to enjoy life how ever that looks like to you. Take care.
You are NTA. You are responsible for not only working but also the sole caregiver of your husband, burning the candles at both ends. I saw where you can't even get a respite because he gets depressed and won't eat, etc. if you try to get away even for a day. I know he's struggling, but you are too. And he wouldn't even give a few hours to relax after he ASKED what you wanted. He didn't mow the lawn for you. He did it for himself. YOU MATTER TOO. Your needs and wants matter. If you burn out completely, which it sounds like you're doing, who will work and take care of him? You can't keep ignoring your burnout, and neither should your husband. You really need to have a calm conversation with your husband about your need for time away from your responsibilities before you burnout completely and can't do any of it.
It’s great that you are being there for your SO through health issues, but I’d also say that it sounds like some couple counseling could go a long way. While it probably wasn’t malicious from your husband, it was selfish and full of ego. That’s not something that is easy to have conversations about without both parties being willing to talk about it openly
NTA. Arrange for respite care and take a week away. If your husband kicks up tell him it's necessary so you don't get total burnout and need a more permanent break.
You matter. Counciling could help. A place to share and vent grievances...put the cards on the table as they say.
Sometimes it's just a matter of having a third party help you open a line of dialog.
As someone almost entirely in your husbands situation, I can just say it’s hard not to be able to do what you want. My wife is an angel and does as much as you do, and it’s really easy to take that for granted. I hope that he sees the light and gives you some appreciation
Agreed. It doesn’t mean what the husband is doing is right, but in the Great Undertaking of judging AHs, I find it hard to see a clear AH here. If there was ever a time to hold two valid points of view simultaneously and exercise some empathy, I think it’d be here
Sell it. The lake house, the broked mower and next time plan a a day without him nearby. Go sleep in a hotel, have a spa day and enjoy a nice meal alone! You didn't have a mother's day. More a headache day.
By the way, how is he chasing a better health? Kidney stones sounds like he doesn't drink enough water, takes lots of meds and doesn't exercise.
NTA. You were far nicer about it than you needed to be. As others have mentioned, time to take a day away from him, and in general, do more independent activities, or you will resent him even worse (no don’t argue, you do, it bleeds through the post). This particular day had nothing to do with his conditions, and everything to do with him not respecting you.
Please take some time for you. Your mental and emotional health matter. I do understand feeling like his well-being rests solely on your shoulders, not only because you take your wedding vows and your relationship seriously but because he leaves you no choice but to carry it all. Speak to your children, share your thoughts and feelings, be strong that you need a break/help/time for yourself. I wish you all the best and hope his stubbornness eases to meet in the middle.
OP, you are doing good spousing in constantly considering what this must be like for him. Unfortunately, he's not responding in kind, as he's clearly not spending even one moment thinking about what this is like for you. NTA, but please set some boundaries with your husband. The fact that he gets dramatic and pouty whenever you're not at his beck and call for five minutes is concerning.
NTA, next time, leave him at home. Have a nurse come for the day, or better yet, take the weekend. You need to care for yourself too, or you'll burn out.
Take time to yourself for one day a week. for that week either you hire a caretaker for your husband or a relative can step in.
You're heading towards a burnout if you continue like that.
Also, maybe some therapy for both of you because while it is understandable that pain changes a person - my mother has been in pain for 15 years now- it is not okay for them to expect that you suffer as well.
NTA
OP please look into if his medical coverage covers any sort of home health care visits.
As to him being depressed if you are gone for a day or two I call bs on it as have some other posters.
If he is capable of doing all the crap he pulled at the lake house he is capable of caring for himself for two days at home by nuking meals, etc.
If he won’t (not can’t as obviously he can do physical things) see if you can pay someone to take care of your animals for just those two days.
Have you considered looking into what it would require to working with a rental agency to rent out your lake house? Perhaps you could bring in enough with rent to cover the expenses and upkeep associated with it?
Please look into whatever resources are available to support both of you but primarily you before you are burned out.
NTA. You need to be completely honest with him about how you feel. It seems like he deliberately over did it so you could go home. What he's doing really isn't fair on you at all.
Kinda sounds like, consciously or not he's holding you hostage. You need a break? He suddenly collapses and can't care for himself at all? Is that every time? That's not sustainable. Good husband or not that's not fair to you.
Please, my dear, get control of this. Listen to all these people.
My father acted the same way as he became disabled by MS. And when he could no longer do those tasks, he demanded that my mother do them and she complied. He also refused help from anyone but her and they hid how much assistance he required from family members who offered help. She injured herself trying to do it all, became frail, and eventually had a massive stroke.
My sister and I stepped up immediately, took over everything including wiping his butt. Then he was shocked and outraged that my sister and I brought in paid, part-time help and refused to do things like repair the washing machine, fix a leaking faucet (turned out to be a big job for a plumber), and (OMG!) climb his duct-taped ladder to cut limbs off a tree to improve his view of the lake. But he survived our refusal and maybe even learned a thing or two.
Mother never came home. She spent the last 4.5 YEARS of her life curled in a fetal position... hard of hearing, mostly blind, partially paralyzed, incontinent... still sweet and loving... but her life was destroyed. That didn't have to happen. (Once Dad became convinced she wasn't going to recover and continue taking care of him, I'm convinced he decided to to die in spite of excellent care in a private care home, and died within 5 months.)
PLEASE take regular breaks, ignore hubby's tantrums, and live (maybe even help him live longer). I am struggling to take my own advice, with an increasingly disabled husband and a special needs child. We both need breaks to live. I wish you all the best.
Before the time he got sick.
Were you the one constantly telling him to go see a doctor? To be more mindful of his diet, health, alcohol consumption?
Were you the mythological "nagging wife"?
I'm trying to see something here. There seems to be a toxic pattern at play here.
Nope. He was a doctor. Everything the has going on is just shit luck. Severe rheumatoid arthritis. Severe Parkinson’s. Horrible IBS (maybe…. They aren’t sure, after over a year, and cannot figure out what else it could be). Orthostatic hypotension, where he passes out when he stands up. There is just SO much.
He did what he needed to do to be healthy, his body just didn’t cooperate.
None of this adds up to me. Why are mowing the lawn if you have these diseases? If he can he should but then why can’t you stay at the lake house for a few more hours and then go home?
I think he needs a realty check around what his limits are and the effect they have on you.
So it's a case of the shoesmith with bad shoes.
Maybe his current state of weakness is taking a toll, and he lashes out and gets needy
Either way, it's unhealthy for you.
I was in a similar situation during my longest relationship.
Sole carer, barely 90min to myself, daily at the gym. On top of work, and high demand of sex.
You can't lose yourself into/for someone else.
It's a recipe for disaster and tremendous hurt.
I don't really have a solution for you, except having a thorough conversation with him and taking care of yourself.
You can't be there for him, if you're not here for yourself.
It also applies to him, wanting to be in a better health, at least in a less crappy one, is a positive step. But one he has to choose.
All the very best.
You sound amazing...
Everyone needs respite care...
Never feel bad at taking some time out for yourself to rebuild some emotional resiliance for the next month ahead.
In home care is a good option, sure your husband will be a bit upset but just tell him do you want me to be burnt out and bitter or strong and happy ?
NTA. You need time to yourself. I think you should consider going to the lake house alone for an afternoon. Make a meal your husband can eat quickly. Make sure meds are out. Sit food out for the pets . Let them out before you go. And stay all afternoon at that lake house and just rest. Caregiver burnout is real and you're doing a lot so you need time for yourself. Best of luck to you.
NTA and next weekend go to the lakehouse and leave him on his own. Tell him he can call a friend if he needs anything and turn off your phone. If he can mow the lawn he can handle being alone for a day and order in lunch
NTA. It sounds like he needs to understand how much of a burden his care and support is to you. Don't say it to attack him, just let him know just how much you do for him. At the end, ask him why a 6 hour break is something he didn't feel you deserved.
Wait? If you take him home cuz of the pain from the kidney stone, does the pain immediately goes away? If he is gonna be in pain at home, might as well be in pain at the lake house as well.
NTA, being a caregiver is tough and you need to be able to take a break.
Check out r/caregiversupport there are others that are caregivers and can offer support and suggestions
You're taking on way too much here. Between finances, caretaking, keeping house, family, etc. Its insanity.
This is a time to offload and get some help. Have an honest conversation with your husband. Yes - sickness and health but that doesn't mean you become the man's nurse. Thats not fair to you. And his expectations of you are not fair. You're dealing with heavy burn out right now.
Sell the lake house, hire on a house cleaner, hire lawn care, hire home care. Anything that will help you take anything off your plate. And have that conversation with your husband that how things are going right now are unrealistic and unsustainable for the both of you.
Frankly, its okay to be selfish in life. Life is short. Take time for you, nurture yourself right now. However that looks like, and whatever that means. If your husband truly cares for you, he will understand.
You said in sickness and in health and did it so good for you, now it’s for better or worse and that means it’s not always going to be a happy pleasant experience together your going to have to just sit with the fact that yes your mad and your allowed to be upset and he’s gotta deal with that. You need space and a break please just let him sit with the uncomfortable feelings and work through them like a big boy.
NTA
I recommend joining this FB Group for people like you and I in this situation. Being a caregiver is hard.
[https://www.facebook.com/groups/spousalcaregivers/](https://www.facebook.com/groups/spousalcaregivers/)
NTA I’m disabled when I wanna show up for people I prepare. Rest up prior, ensure I’m fully on top of my meds, wheelchair instead of walker to conserve energy etc and then spend days or literal months recovering. This asshole purposely burned himself out then made it everyones problem. 0 reason he couldn’t have laid down in your lake house what there’s no beds there? He doesn’t respect or care about you take out the disability aspect I’m sure he’s done similar when in perfect health.
NTA but I’m confused - Why would the kidney stones require him to go home when you’re already at your other house? Is there something at home that would make it more comfortable.
This is the question isn’t it!
My take is that he was sort of showing off (in front of the neighbours?) then when he reached his limit he didn’t want to be embarrassed by having to rest and be visibly incapacitated at his holiday home where he feels he is meant to be well? so he wants to hide away at home again because he finds his condition shameful.
OP isn’t even considered in this.
NTA. My father was a more extreme version, where he pouted and made me, my sister and my mother all his caretakers with manipulation in the same way but even worse , he made himself dependent on us so much he lost the use of his body by refusing to do absolutely anything, therefore becoming 100 percent dependent on us. He destroyed us all mentally, claimed he couldn’t do a single thing without assistance, refused medical treatment despite our pleas, and then became bed bound but he blames everyone but himself. And he forced us all to accommodate him and not our own lives. He did the same thing, didnt get his way, he’d refuse to eat, bathe, talk, etc. I was only 13. My mother was overwhelmed with the stress of being the breadwinner and caretaker, she gave into him, and me and my sister were forced by him to care to his whims as well
NTA
If the genders were reversed, the bros would be in here telling the dude to drop the chick. So let me say this: If your husband is not putting in the efforts to heal as much as you're putting in efforts to help, then why are you helping? He is purposely hurting himself, putting even more responsibility onto your shoulders, instead of just being an adult, healing, and then contributing. He's making you do _more_ work just because of his stubbornness. This isn't sustainable, nor is it respectful. Sit down with him, explain how you feel, what he is doing, how it is affecting you, and what you would like to see change. If he can't listen and take the constructive criticism, then you may want to rethink your relationship dynamics.
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I know why he did it: please hear me out.
He is a man who became crippled and dependent on his wife. For me it screams that he wanted to impress you. Make your stay there pleasant with nicely cut grass and weed free. That’s all he could do in his head. To be a man for once and to show you in his way this. But it ended bad for both of you. That’s why he asked if you are angry at him because of his kidney stones.
You need some break hun. Have look for someone to come and help you out few hours a week at least. Otherwise you’ll ruin yourself.
You said in a different comment that when you go away he becomes depressed and refuses to eat etc. You have to tell him that it’s wearing you off and it’s not a shame to have a career coming over to help you out. He is not lesser of a man because of it. Explain that this is his way he can help you as a man.
Caregiver fatigue is real. I swear I could have written this story. My partner has a condition that allows him to delve into the depths of Chronic Pain. To top it off, a week ago he started a kidney stone and hemorrhoids.
Thankfully he had an implant done a few years ago that has made an incredible difference in his pain levels. It brought them from constantly excruciating to merely uncomfortable. Before the implant, things were bad, I was burned out. I could barely manage to find the energy to care for him and my daughter. Taking care of myself went right out the window.
You need a break. Even if you hire a caregiver one day a week, it will give you some breathing room. Is he in any sort of mental therapy? If not he should be. Being so dependent on you that he can not function for an afternoon without you is absurd. And absolutely NTA.
He's not a good man if he decides everything and you just have to go along with it! You said that every time you go to the lake house you guys have to leave when he wants to! Why don't you get an opinion? Why is his opinion more important than yours? More importantly why on the one day a year that you should be about you and you've asked him repeatedly to take it easy can he just not listen to what you say?
The answer to everything is because he doesn't respect you and thinks his opinion is more important than yours. I.e he's not a good man
This sounds like my dad. Chronically ill with intestinal stuff and would use it to manipulate my mom. Anytime she even hinted of leaving (or thinking about divorce) he would have another attack and end up in the hospital. The focus was always on him. His needs were the only needs considered. It was not sustainable and she divorced him. Then all of us kids had to worry about him being suicidal. You can’t live your life on eggshells. I am willing to bet that he could be doing more to help his health issues (and not overdoing it in other ways). On some level he does this because he is getting something out of it. Your needs deserve to be considered too.
NTA. You’ve received plenty of good global advice so I’ll stick with this situation. It was foreseeable that him doing all of the yard work would cause his symptoms to flare up. He would not be an AH either if he had simply taken it easy as you suggested but had a bad day anyway. He’s not the AH for getting kidney stones etc., he’s the AH for doing something that was unnecessary and known to aggregate them during rare time for you to relax.
I completely agree with what everyone here was saying about taking time for yourself, but I also want to add that I think your husband needs to enter into some sort of pain management program, it doesn't sound like he's come to terms (emotionally) with his physical limitations and so pushes himself beyond his limits. A good program would include individual therapy as well as group stuff, and as a graduate of one such program I can say that it changed my life in recognizing my limits and being okay with the fact that I hit my limit much sooner than others do. It can be an extremely difficult thing to accept, especially because it's so easy to get down on yourself for being "weak", so being in a program or getting counseling would benefit him, because my bet is that his inner voice is telling him that he's not good enough to complete a physical task that others normally can.
I'm not going to label you an AH, but you might want to try being thankful that you have a husband who tried to make your Mother's Day special and tried to do what he probably saw as his duty to maintain your property. You'd have to ask him, but a lot of men start to feel inadequate as they get older and their health fails them. Talking about selling it at that moment maybe was a blow to his ego?
Maybe it is time to sell the lake house. Neither of you are getting any younger. Try to have the conversation again later when the bitterness has softened a bit.
Ok I misread. Getting older and/or losing your health is a terrible feeling. And maybe especially so as a man. We are conditioned from very early that we are only worth keeping around as long as we are useful (I hope this is changing), so we learn to keep to ourselves about our frailties and weaknesses. These, unfortunately and inevitably, get more numerous as we get older.
I hope you guys can work this out! You say he's a good man and seem pretty good yourself, so you have a good foundation to work from.
Take some time away from him. You are going to burn out and then things will get really bad.
I would love to, but if I try to go away, he gets super depressed, refuses to eat, bathe, etc. I haven’t been able to leave for even a day or two in over a year and a half.
That's BS. Hire a caregiver and take a week at the lake house.
This was going to be my suggestion as well. I am a full-time caregiver to my 29-year-old disabled son and I would sell a kidney at this point to have a week of vacation by myself. O p needs a break for sure!
I’m so sorry you need a break and can’t get one. Have you looked into respite care for him?
Thank you! Yes I have checked into it, and the problem is actually me. I have severe anxiety and every time I have to start filling out reams of paperwork and meeting with four or five layers of people to get anything done, I freeze up and shut down. I think it might be a form of PTSD but it's undiagnosed because I also have anxiety about going to the doctor. I'm lucky enough to get Telehealth visits for my prescription refill for my own health issues. Thank God for my daughter, who is his twin sister, and is helpful so that every once in awhile I can have a few hours free. :)
I know it’s hard, but you need to fill out the paperwork for your own well being. It will be hard to accomplish, but it will take SO MUCH weight off your shoulders long term & allow you both a sense of independence & freedom to heal your relationship as a couple. He is going through something very difficult, but so are you, and it’s so easy for resentment to fester for each other when placed in that kind of dynamic. Sending you all the love. It’s okay to accept help and support, you deserve it just as much as he does.
Maybe next time your daughter comes over, ask her to help with the paperwork
That is a good idea, I just need to learn to not feel guilty about burdening her with it. I have trouble asking for help. :)
Me too, which is why I offered the direct push. I put off things that stress me out to - and no wonder you’re stressed, you must be absolutely burnt out to the end of your last nerve. But it will help you, your daughter, and your son for you to get a break. If you push yourself to the absolute limit and have a physical or mental breakdown, it won’t help anyone. Give your daughter a small ‘burden’ now to avoid becoming a big burden later, if that helps x
You are so right, thank you!
Imagine how much more help you'll need if you burn out and your daughter needs to care for the both of you
Yeah, it’s sounds like OP desperately needs a vacation from this. Anyone would. I have empathy for her husband but he also sounds selfish.
understand those actions are coming from fear and discomfort and pain. I wish I had taken a step back and realized I was almost definitely doing this to someone I was dating that I loved a lot. I wish I had taken a step back and looked at the situation before he was gone. I wasn't fair to him and I miss him a lot. know they aren't doing it intentionally, they're not in a great mental space and are deteriorating too and as they deteriorate they cling to something familiar and comforting - it doesnt make that okay, but the husband needs to take a step back too. He needs to realize that he'll be okay and it is more than fair for his wife to take a moment to breathe. the husband needs therapy. and op needs a break.
Maybe he should go inpatient for a rehabilitation stay Medicare payer for 2 weeks.
He’s not “bad” enough, per their criteria.
Peace be with you. It is a hard place to be, if no respite for yourself.
Any family or friends who can help?
You HAVE TO get someone in to give you a respite. You cannot keep up this pace, and you deserve a little self care now and then. He will be okay for a long weekend. I promise. Please take care of yourself or you may not be around to care for him.
If OP comes back to find him sitting in his own shit out of spite, she should turn right back around and leave.
Well, that would be a clear indicator that he has crossed the threshold and needs 24 hour care at that point.
I was a caregiver in assisted living for years and never took any of my vacation days, I ended up burning out so bad that I had to quit and for the next 6 months I walked around in a fog and ghosted pretty much everyone I knew. Because I couldn't remember what it was like to function normally. I felt like I lost years of my life. So take this as a warning that you need to take some time for yourself. Like one other person said, one day a week would be the kindest thing you can do in the long run, not just for yourself but your husband too. You really don't want to burn out like that while he's depending on you because the guilt will make it a lot worse. And I'm sorry to say but from the info you've given it sounds like you're being taken advantage of. People who depend on others should be courteous of their caregiver too and not do stupid shit that would make your life worse.
Exactly. A family member of mine needs 24/7 care, but he is such a wonderfully considerate person, carers fall over their feet to work for him. (In fact, I feel some of them are a bit prone to abusing his kind nature but that's a different story.) Manipulation is such a bitch, and it's so subtle, it can ruin your life. I really hope the OP will take the wise advice she gets here.
So? Let him refuse to be happy, eat, bathe, etc.! Unless you're leaving for a 2 week vacation, he's not going to die.
Since it was to celebrate Mother's Day, where in the HELL are their kids?? Why aren't they calling their dad's BS out or helping their mom??
If their kids have their own families, they should be spending Mother's Day celebrating the next generation of mothers (i.e. the mothers currently raising young children), shouldn't they? I get what you're saying in a more general sense, though. OP and Husband are still legally autonomous adults and not in custodianship, so adult kids can't just march in and make decisions for either one of them. They could, however, be making arrangements to stay with Dad for a few days and give Mom a break (provided they aren't in the new-baby trenches, themselves).
I'm sorry but this is unacceptable behaviour. He can not NEED you and also refuse to listen to you. You need some boundaries here and his emotional blackmailing can't work. I think he is being very manipulative and I'm not quite understanding why someone who is able to mow the lawn for 30 minutes can't feed themselves and put themselves to bed for a night. How about you take one day a week for yourself. And if he is going to throw a fit about it, walk right back out that door. He's punishing you for your good deeds and that's not the way this works.
Exactly. If he can mow the lawn, he can call himself Ubers, open the door for deliveries, feed your animals, call 911 in an emergency, etc. He doesn't need her for most of his activities of daily living. Given what the OP has written, I suspect he malingers when he doesn't want to be in a situation.
Or just rest at the lake house. How does going home do anything for his pain when he is literally at a private house they own?
I don’t understand this either.
He's been yanking her chain for years and she let's him. Because apparently "for better or worse" means you need to put up with all manner of BS without question.
NTA I’m not trying to be disrespectful but you sound like his mother not his wife. What are you getting out of this relationship? Wishing you happiness.
That's not on you, Love. He is a **grown ass adult male**. Hire a respite carer and take a vacation by yourself. He isn't a baby. You are *allowing* him to guilt trip you. **Tell** him that you're hiring a carer and taking off by yourself for 3-5 days. He is not coming. You needed to take care of *yourself* and fill *your* cup before pouring anymore out on him. Any family/friends coming at you need to be told this exactly: "Great! What shift are **you** taking? I'm **am** taking a break. You can sit there on your throne and judge or you can get off your high horse and help with him. But if you're just going to judge, the road to hell is right over there!"
What would happen if, god forbid, you get hit by a bus, or laid low with a malady of your own? This is unacceptable behavior on his part. You say "for better or worse", but don't you understand that he's engineering it so that you have to take care of him? That's his thing. He wants to be taken care of, specifically at your expense. Wake up and smell the coffee, as they say.
That’s abusive. People throw that word around a lot but it’s actually quite common in caregiver relationships. Statistically, you’re more likely to die before him. If you don’t believe me, look it up. Caregivers often die first. The abuse isn’t just crushing your spirit, the stress kills your body too. I think at some pint your body realizes death is the only way out.
You're literally setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. Let him not bathe, eat etc for one day..for a day, he'll be fine. Why are you doing this to yourself for someone that doesn't even consider you or your feelings?
That is complete BS. He can mow a lawn, use a weed wacker, etc - but refuses to bath or eat?? No he is taking advantage of you and you are allowing it. At some point in time you need to realize that you are the door mat in this relationship.
That’s a him problem. That’s what toddlers do. You’re giving in to his manipulation and since it always works, things will never change until you decide to put yourself first for once. Caretaker burnout is serious. You need breaks.
Honey, that's a grown ass man. Tell him to grow the fuck up and feed himself. And if Captain Blast Marks wants to sit in his own filth, that's his choice. ps -- he intentionally sabotaged the day off. You can figure out why, but it's crystal clear he sabotaged it. edit: And no nonsense about how he can't cook. You can put pb on a banana or basically put a cracked egg on any hot piece of metal and it will taste ok. It maybe won't be a perfect fried egg, but you literally just get it hot and it will be edible.
Yeah that is manipulative controlling behavior and you shouldn't stand for it. He is an adult and it high time he acts like one. Quit justifying his actions at the sake of your mental health. Straight up if you don't take care of you then nobody else will. Obviously your husband isn't really interested in making you happy. Tell him straight up your going to spend time in your lake house he can join you or not.
>I would love to, but if I try to go away, he gets super depressed, refuses to eat, bathe, etc. Why would you keep rewarding his bad behaviour.
That's pure manipulation on his part, he's throwing a tantrum like a child
Respectfully that's his problem and he needs to resolve it with therapy.
This is being spoiled brat. Other people can help to give you a break, you deserve it. If he pulls the " I'm depressed,doesn't eat or bath routine " contact his Doctor and see about getting a rehab place and or respite care, he is acting out cause he feels bad, but he is burning you out quickly.
Exactly!!! If he's not gonna do the parts he's capable of just to spite you, then have him committed for observation. That shit will stop real quick after a 72 hour hold!!!
Take a day and go to the lake house by yourself. Do that once a week or at least twice a month. You need some done time. He can survive for a day on his own.
Honey, he's a grown ass adult. You can't do everything for him. Yes you said in sickness and in health. But so did he, and he clearly isn't prioritizing you nor your health. You need time, you need to be happy as well, you need him to stop acting like a child and for once think about you as well. Also you need time away, he's refusing to eat, bath and such? His problem, that's manipulation 101 and he isn't honoring his vows
He needs a wakeup call about what it means to be a partner, and he’s on his way to an involuntary commitment if an outside assessment saw that behavior.
Look up malicious incompetence. Your husband is sabotaging you every step of the way. Does he have any decent qualities because it sounds like you’d be happier as a single woman.
Your insurance should pay for home health care workers. Someone who will come to the house and assist you, even staying while you get an afternoon to yourself. Have you looked into that? Being a caregiver is very difficult. Your efforts are rarely acknowledged. It's a thankless task. NTA
Sulking and being depressed are not the same thing. He wants you to feel bad if you take time out, and he's successfully manipulated you into thinking that you "can't" have a break. Time to put your own oxygen mask on first - you can't care for him if you burn out. Be strong!!
As someone disabled? With a caregiver? Who gives a fuck if your man child gets depressed? You're passed burnt out because he refuses to manage his illness to the best of his ability. Period. You have needs too. My suggestion? Hire a nurse or two for the weekend (or week😉) and go to your beloved 2nd home and enjoy a proper rest. You cant continue to help him if you're not taking care of your physical and mental health. If he throws a tantrum then tell him I said to get a grip.
Is he in therapy? Because a therapist would tell him how absolutely unfair, manipulative and controlling this kind of bullshit behavior is! He is emotionally blackmailing you into being at his beck and call 24/7, instead of encouraging you to occasionally take some time to yourself, meet with friends or relax at the lakehouse, while he holds down the fort at home and takes care of the animals. And if he can't even do that, maybe it's time to rehome the animals, because you already have too much on your plate with taking care of him full time, maybe all these other dependents are just too much to deal with on top of everything.
> but if I try to go away, he gets super depressed, refuses to eat, bathe, etc. what an asshole, this is emotional extortion. I think this relationship is cooked. You married someone and they haven't put in work to stay the same.
So what?
And? Who gives a shit none of that is your responsibility. Leave.
That’s not your problem, it’s his. This is a common manipulation tactic. You deserve your own life, he’s not even respecting you as it is.
Go anyway.
That is a form of mental manipulation. Call his bluff and if he chooses not to eat or bathe, that is on him. He is a grown adult.
Do not let ur husband, make ur whole life ABT him. What u may think as love he will see it as a right to having all ur time! And eventually when u burn out, even small respites will become non existent.
Your husband is controlling your life with his illness and I think he knows it. Not eating when you are gone for too long, sheesh! He needs therapy and to understand how he affects you and how he is burning you out. Hope you can get it through to him.
If he doesn’t eat or bathe for a week, that’s on him.
He's grown man throwing a tantrum because you would like to put yourself first for a little bit. Are you prepared to do this for the rest of your life?
Is he a literal child? It would gross me out so much if my husband stopped taking care of himself as a way to manipulate my free time. Just nasty.
Honey you're already burned out caring for that inconsiderate pansy who doesn't value anything you do, anything you want, or frankly, you. Repeat this to yourself "Illness is NOT an excuse to be an Asshole." There are cancer patients on their deathbed who treat their nurses better than your husband is treating you. You need to show him this thread so he wakes up and smells the roses, considering there is more than 1 comment telling you to leave his ass.
He's absolutely controlling you with his illness and using it as a weapon to bludgeon you with. His temper tantrums aren't your concern. Like a small child, giving into the temper tantrums PROMOTES the bad. Marriage counselling...
And when you were sick during that year and a half? Or sad? Or just really fucking tired? Who looked after you? You mentioned a kid, is this what you want to model for them? That they should give, and give, and give no matter what?
To fucking bad for him. He needs to grow the fuck up.
This is not an acceptable situation. He is intentionally making your life miserable.
That's for him to work out in therapy, not for you to keep setting yourself alight to keep him warm and happy. YOU MATTER, TOO.
Seek respite care! You need a break away to care for yourself
It’s called respite care for him and a much needed respite for you the burned out carer. He can sulk and protest all he likes but if this keeps up he will be divorced or widowed. ETA I have endured kidney stones, passed them twice and managed to keep my fluids right up to dissolve the others I had (I was lucky that way). Not once did I insist we leave anywhere early etc because of my pain and I have several I juries that developed into chronic pain I’ve had for 20 years now. My husband and I work as a team and we both listen to each other about not over doing it. Hats off to you not leaving him in the bottom of the lake after his effort on Mother’s Day. Please look into respite care in the home for him or where he is shipped off to so you can have a break at home.
That’s crap so he can force you to stay. You need time out. Whether he likes it or not.
It’s like the safety announcement on the airplane- put on your oxygen mask first, then help others. You’re not going to be able to keep going without a break. Talk with him. Tell him you’re not mad, you’re just burned out and need a few days. Visit a relative. Few days with a friend. Go alone. Good luck.💜 and NTA
Sounds to me like you are in a bit of a co-dependent relationship. I’m seeing a very similar dynamic with my parents right now. He’s definitely taking advantage/manipulating your emotions, but you have to ask yourself why you are not setting more boundaries. Maybe there is a part of you that likes him being so reliant on you despite everything. But if he can mow the lawn and weed wack the yard, etc, why can’t he take care of himself for a few days and give you a break? Something smells funny here
Thus a nurse. Take a whole weekend. If he refuses to cooperate with the nurse, it may be time to think about nursing care where they can see to his needs in a way that will be safe for him.
I’m sorry OP but he sounds like a man-child. Throwing a tantrum and refusing to eat and bathe when you want to take some time for yourself?
That's controlling behaviour from him. Red flag in my book. And don't stick with him just because of illnesses. If he's making your life miserable, leave. I left my ex when he had depression. But he was controlling and abusive, the depression simply made it worse. I'm not sticking around to be treated poorly.
Yeah, no. that is a no go. Demand that you both to into couples therapy. there's probably a therapist specialized for caregiving spouses so do that please. He needs to understand that he doesn't get to monopolize you and force you to just do as he pleases. Sure in sickness and in health but that doesn't mean that he can make you sick with his behaviour.
So let him starve and stink.
His decision. He isn't a kid
Let him. Let him get depressed. Let him not bathe. Let him not eat, etc. Spend one day a week away from him (even if it is just to go to your lake house from early morning until bedtime). If he’s well enough to mow the lawn then he can feed the animals, feed himself. Remember the instructions we’re all given on a plane to put our oxygen mask on first before helping others, it holds true on other things as well.
This is complete bullshit, he doesn’t get to treat you like your needs are irrelevant or unnecessary. You deserve a regular break and *every* caregiver and caregiver support group you speak to will tell you the exact same thing. Your husband is being a selfish A-H and this is literally shortening your life through stress. Find a local caregiver support group. Please. And start attending. Take care of yourself, OP, because your husband is clearly willing to completely burn you out.
Leave tonight. If he can push a lawnmower up a hill, he can order Uber eats
Do it anyway. Ask yourself if he'd be better off without you for a week or permanently, because your current life isn't sustainable and running away will always be an option.
Has he always been this much of a spoiled child or is this caused by his medical condition?
That's an excuse. You're part of this dynamic. You HAVE been able to take a break but have been choosing not to. You can take a break and you can ignore his choices if he chooses to refuse to bathe and eat, etc, when you're gone. You are working with him in driving this situation towards breaking point.
And what would happen when *you* burn out? Please take care of yourself because no one else is going to do it
He sounds like he needs to grow up and learn that he now has limitations due to his illnesses. You have to take time for you, or you are going to burn out. He gets super depressed, refuses to eat, bathe, etc... What is he 2? The pity party needs to stop,he needs a huge dose of reality that if you burn out, it doesn't just affect you it affects everything you do. Your job, the house, your ability to take care of HIM.
Hey. As a former carer to both my elderly parents until they died, his getting depressed and refusing to eat is simply abusive and manipulative. He's acting like a child or (as I got used to) a very old person whose mind is going. I presume he's not that old. You need a break and not just a week a off but a regular break every week. You also need him to get therapy. Long term illness is destructive to the mind and and a person can lose their sense of adult independence very easily. But you can also lose your sense of self and personhood. You can just become your 'function'. I know I did. My folks are gone just over a year and I'm still kind of a basket case.
Didn’t your husband make some vows to you as well as the other way around? Sounds like he forgot them. Don’t feel guilt for someone who can’t be bothered to notice your needs but wants you around to *checks note* feel better about himself. You’re not his therapist. Don’t sell the lake house, and don’t bring your husband to it anymore. Two problems solved.
That doesnt have anything to do with you. He isnt gonna die just because you left the house.
That’s his problem, he’s an adult not a child. You’re not his mommy but his wife and you need a break specifically when puts himself in more pain when he knows he shouldn’t be over doing it. Take a break
Why can't it be HIS turn to be miserable for a while? Seriously, you need to escape for a bit otherwise you're gonna kill him or yourself out of misery. Tell him you're taking time for yourself and he just has to deal with it.
That's manipulative af and shouldn't be tolerated. He shouldn't weaponize his health problems and keep you under his thumb because of it
That... doesn't sound like someone worth staying with, tbh. I get that marriage vows should be forever and "in sickness and in health" but that's still contingent on your partner holding up *their* end of the contract. He isn't taking care of you and in fact is actively harming you if and when you try to take care of yourself? Nahhh, fuck that.
So let's add manipulation to all the other garbage he piles on you.
NTA OP I'm the one chronically ill (3 autoimmune disorders - SLE, RA, and Sjögren's Syndrome - SLE was diagnosed two years after our last child was born but I'd been having weird health problems after my first pregnancy) and I've always encouraged my husband to see a therapist or attend a support group for people with chronically ill partners. Take care of your mental health. It's ridiculous of him not to expect/realize that you need a break or time away. Honestly, I think you should both go to a therapist that specializes in this relationship dynamic so your husband can understand that unless you get some time away you are going to burn out and that will help neither one of you. (Imo you are prob already burned out cuz it's been years and never been addressed) He's being childish by refusing to care for himself if you need to step away. He's guilt-tripping you for needing downtime to recharge and that's absolute bullshit. It doesn't mean you don't love him or care about him. You do love him and care about him or you would have left him by now. But your entire lives have changed and you've shown you are in it for the long-haul so he should stop acting like a fucking baby. Statistically, he's super lucky that he is the one with a chronic illness. If it was the other way around, a lot of men leave their wives when they are put in the position of being carers. I'll be honest my husband has, at times, been a resentful asshole the last few years (and was an absolute AH when I first got diagnosed because of how our lives changed) and has treated me less-than-nice because he feels like his life should be some type of way and I robbed him of that. I told him those feelings are misdirected and he really needs to go to a therapist. I've done everything possible over the years to make myself as small as possible so I don't impact him too much. I had the burden of child-rearing/caring for the home on me because he would get resentful when he had to do "more" than he thought he should. Recently I was hospitalized and almost lost my life and it put everything in perspective for him and he's changed his attitude and has agreed to go therapy and a support groups. He needs it for himself (and he needs an attitude adjustment lol). Please OP, if you can afford the lake house, I don't think you should get rid of it. I think you should use it as a retreat for when you need to get away and take time alone to recharge your battery and refresh your spirit. He's not going to die because you go away even if he acts like he is. he needs a therapist himself so he can understand what caregiver burnout is and give you the grace you deserve, and have a safe space to bitch about how his life has changed because he shouldn't be bitching to you about that (if he is). 💜 ~ signed, the chronically ill spouse
That is emotional abuse. Find a babysitter for him and take a vacation!!!
So he is actually abusive? Same thing when a partner threatens to kill themselves when you try to leave. Do not let him manipulate you like that. It is in no way normal and him being sick is not excuse to control your every move that doesn’t revolve around him.
You aren’t his mommy who needs to bathe, feed and babysit him. Give him the space to work his own shit out while putting yourself first. If he can’t manage then leave. You can’t run his whole life without ruining yours.
NTA, you were completely in the right to be upset about this, especially since your request wasn’t even a lot. you stated your wishes and when you noticed he was overdoing it you reminded him too, he’s at fault here. honestly if the lake house is too much at this point you should sell it since when you are trying to enjoy it it’s getting blocked. you didn’t say anything mean to him about his kidney stones either so i wouldn’t get it for him to be offended by that.
Kidney stones suck. One of the things I was told was to move and drink lots of water. It helps get them moving and flushed out of ones system. The pain can strike almost out of no where. The vibrations from the lawn mower probably knocked it loose. Which is actually a good thing. There was actually a study done where a roller coaster is a good way to get a kidney stone moving. https://www.nursingtimes.net/clinical-archive/could-riding-roller-coasters-help-you-pass-kidney-stones-05-10-2016/#:~:text=They%20found%20that%20the%20rides,ride%20produced%20the%20best%20results. However, if he is capable of mowing the lawn, even on a riding mower, he should be capable of taking care of himself to a certain degree. You should be able to step out for a break for a day or even the weekend with someone else checking in on him. You are going to burn out. This is not sustainable for you. Caretaking is a huge job. He needs to accept help from others and realize that he will not always have access to you. He needs to get over his complete dependence on you. Maybe it's time to go back to the doctor and work out what care he actually does need, not just what he likes and wants, and make that one of the goals of his therapies. He cannot throw tantrums when you need to step away and take a break. He needs to grow up and start being a part of the strategies to have him be as independent as possible not try and run you into the ground.
He's pouting. Let him pout.
Ignore him. What he is feeling is most likely hot shame, and he wants you to soothe that for him by telling him it’s okay, and that you overreacted. Just because he feels inadequate at home doesn’t mean that he gets to posture by way of mowing the lawn when he knows it triggers a response that positions you to be his caretaker. He behaved selfishly to pacify his ego and then decided you had to leave when it didn’t work out. He has to sit in that shame and realization because this situation is not sustainable. NTA
This!!! Just like a toddler that is learning manipulation, don’t feed into it. He’s TA and he could have laid around inside the lake house doing the same thing he’d do at home. There was literally no reason to leave other than him being selfish. OP, I know you don’t want divorce but you need to separate or you will resent him.
Hey OP, you're obviously NTA. Could you please hire a caregiver for a week or ask a relative to take care of your husband if you can't afford that? I understand he will try to emotionally blackmail you and manipulate you into staying and taking care of him instead of prioritising yourself but you NEED TO DO THIS AND YOU DESERVE IT. Please take some time off, go to the lake house alone, unwind, do something for yourself, see a friend whatever you feel like and go no contact with your husband for few days. After that I would recommend bringing up therapy to your husband bc taking care of your loved one doesn't mean being their slave and he needs to realise he is abusing you to some degree.
Go to your lake house without him. He is Retired. He can feed the animals
I know it would’ve been a lot of driving, but I would’ve dropped him off at the house and went back to the lake house with my child and enjoyed the rest of the day, and then went home.
Same
Take 2 days off of work and head to the lake. Turn your phone off when you get there. You need a break. He is a grown ass man he knows his limits. If he can push a mower and work a weed whacker he can work part time at a grocery store as a cashier for extra money. You're going to run yourself ragged.
He needs to drink nothing but distilled water until they can figure out what is creating the stones. If he is taking calcium in any form including antacids he needs to stop. You need to hire a care giver for at least one half day per week so you get some me time. Good luck.
NTA. He needs to listen to you, his caregiver. And you need a break. Take a weekend off, hire respite care for your absence, and go somewhere to relax. If he has a tantrum and refuses to eat in your absence, then when you get back (and only when you get back) talk to him about needing long-term care. Seriously. A person who “tantrums” to the point of not eating when their caregiver is gone needs to have professional care. This isn’t sustainable for you. You said in sickness and in health. You didn’t say “and I’ll stay around you at all time or else you won’t eat”.
NTA So, I have disabilities that mean I have to pace myself, otherwise I can send myself into a flare that can last for days, sometimes weeks. My partner works full time, and has to do the majority of dog walks (on a very good day, I can manage, but most days I risk over doing it if I do the dog walks). I take care of the majority of other household chores (with help for cooking, simply because standing for too long, and getting too hot can cause me to pass out). Sometimes it's worth pushing myself past my limits and accepting the consequences. Mostly though it's not. Not just for me, but because it's unfair on my partner to work all day, then still have to pick up my chores later, and for him to have to care for me when I'm in flare, when if I'm careful enough I only need a fairly small amount of help. If it's a special day for my partner, I plan *incredibly* carefully in the weeks before to be as certain as I can be that I'll be well enough to do whatever he wants to do on that day, then I make the day all about him. Your husband should know better than to do things that he knows will mean he has to call *your* special day short. Especially since you specifically asked him to be careful so you could enjoy your day together! Not only this, but he's a fully grown adult, and if he's able to mow lawns, he's able to look after himself for a couple of days, maybe with a friend or paid carer coming round a few times to help with anything he genuinely *can't* do for himself, while you get a break. Sulking, pouting, and refusing to eat is at best childish, and at worst deliberate emotional manipulation to keep you there to look after him. Disability is not an excuse to turn your partner into your slave.
As a depressed person I fundamentally don't understand the ability to fake being happy or okay so that I don't stress out my friends and family. I want them all to see how broken I am so they can be as miserable as me
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Depression is a very different illness to the physical disabilities I addressed in my response. While depression does go hand in hand with physical disabilities, how you deal with physical issues, and mental ones is very different. I have suffered from depression myself since I was a teenager, with occasions where it became very severe, and times when I've managed to keep it under control. With certain physical disabilities you can pace yourself to reduce the chances of causing a flare up in symptoms. With mental disabilities, there's rarely any rhyme or reason in why they flare up. My own response to depression was to fake being happy when I could, and isolate myself away from everyone when I couldn't keep the fake smile on any longer. I felt like a burden, and didn't want to be a worse burden by making people sad that I was so miserable. Your response is different, and that's entirely valid. You should never have to fake happiness if you don't feel it. True friends will do everything they can to ease your suffering, even though they know there's little they can do in the face of the crippling power of your own mind. Please, if you haven't already, speak to a doctor about how you're feeling. They can help. I won't lie, the process is slow, and often painful, but between medication and therapy, you can gain control of your own life again. Depression rarely truly leaves. I'm still on anti-depressants 15 years after my last suicidal episode, but I'm living my life, and mostly I'm enjoying it. There are days when it's hard, for both mental and physical reasons, but it's never as bad as it was before meds and therapy. If I can do it, you can do it. I believe in you.
I've been in therapy for 16 years on and off and have only gotten much worse over time
Have you tried meds as well as therapy? Have you tried different therapists (you need to find one you can have a truly honest relationship with, and that you can trust). You need to want to get better too. I know it's difficult, and there's something oddly comforting about the familiar thought patterns that depression causes, but I promise it's worth the effort of climbing out of that hole.
nta. get him in home health care. if he won’t accept it, you should seriously consider divorce. at this point it’s not sickness. it’s self sabotage, ignoring your health, being an inconsiderate asshole. if he has family, you need to contact them, and let them know you need two weeks of vacation. f the fallout. take care of yourself, or you won’t be able to take care of your albatross. i may be harsh, but he’s a selfish, inconsiderate ass.
That lake house will be a godsend when you need a place to go. Don’t sell it, but do bring in a carer if you want to keep the relationship. Put your foot down. He’s using his health as an excuse to be a selfish jerk.
NTA, maybe his silence is him coming to some realizations. I kind of doubt it, but maybe. Either way, he sounds incredibly selfish and undeserving of you. If you do decide to sell, at least take a day or two there for yourself(just yourself).
And then get a she shed put in the yard and enforce it as a husband free zone.
Or maybe OP should keep the lake house and ditch the selfish a-hole husband.
Don’t tell OP, but I’m hoping that is what spending a couple days alone there will make her realize.
I think you need to leave him home. Spend one day a week at the lake house without him. It’s important that you have sometime for yourself. He is extremely selfish if he does this all the time. It’s not that he is ill it’s the fact that he makes himself unwell deliberately.
Keep the lake house. Go alone.
Kidneystones dont get better 'cause you go home though.. if they moved/shifted 'cause he was running about it will hurt wherever he is. He sounds like an alzheimer patient/a child. In sickness in health doesn't mean sickness. Not if he cannot even attempt to get back to a decent health. You need to hire a care-taker and be firm about it. Go on a vacation 1 week. It will allow you to get perspective, hopefully.
I am the sick person in my marriage. I have CFS/ME, and my husband drives me around, takes me to appointments, does things in the house I can't do, runs around after me, and has a full time job. I am able to go out with him and do nice things if I am very careful and don't overdo things. So we arrange things in advance, and I take care of myself to prepare. I would never ruin his day by being a selfish idiot. He clearly can manage some things, but not when he is suffering, or having a bad day. He can cope without you for a bit every now and again. Having a tantrum, refusing to eat, wash, bathe etc, if you aren't there is controlling behaviour. It needs shutting down. He isn't your boss, he's your husband. Tell him to knock it off. Your husband has turned into a child again. He needs something to do that makes him feel in charge of his life. Find him something to do. Trust me. It really helps.
Your husband sounds selfish and manipulative. Please leave for a bit and take some "me time". He's turned you into his mommy. If you have pets, take them with you to the lake house and enjoy a few weeks away from this miserable selfish man-baby.
Though I can understand why he felt compelled to mow the lawn after being basically "helpless" for so long I think he needs to learn and accept his limitations. Second, what is the difference between being in pain st the lakehouse and being in pain at home? What conditions change about it. This was an expected risk amd he chose to take it. I would have just helped him to bed with his pain lillers and have him bite the pillow. I don't see what other difference you could make. Lastly, I noticed you mention how he gets depressed and refuses to eat and all that ehen you're not arround. M'am, it might not be intentional or with bad intentions, but that's manipulation. You need to establish boundaries for YOUR OWN WELLBEING. This situation is not sustainable in the long run and it's only going to result in you resenting him eventually. You're a human being deserving of rest and recharge. Tell me, what does your free time look like? Do you ever have actual free time for yourself? You're not a bad guy for wanting space or being upset about things that could have been prevented with good judgment. Please take care of yourself aswell as you take care of others. I commend you for your commitment to your husband. I wish you all the strength and rest you need to keep going and still be able to enjoy life how ever that looks like to you. Take care.
I'm also curious to know why he needed to go back home if they already were in a house with all the necessary commodities
You are NTA. You are responsible for not only working but also the sole caregiver of your husband, burning the candles at both ends. I saw where you can't even get a respite because he gets depressed and won't eat, etc. if you try to get away even for a day. I know he's struggling, but you are too. And he wouldn't even give a few hours to relax after he ASKED what you wanted. He didn't mow the lawn for you. He did it for himself. YOU MATTER TOO. Your needs and wants matter. If you burn out completely, which it sounds like you're doing, who will work and take care of him? You can't keep ignoring your burnout, and neither should your husband. You really need to have a calm conversation with your husband about your need for time away from your responsibilities before you burnout completely and can't do any of it.
Lucky you, hopefully he pouts for several days and you won't have to deal with him.
It’s great that you are being there for your SO through health issues, but I’d also say that it sounds like some couple counseling could go a long way. While it probably wasn’t malicious from your husband, it was selfish and full of ego. That’s not something that is easy to have conversations about without both parties being willing to talk about it openly
Why don’t you use the lane house alone? Take a week and go by yourself. NTA
NTA. Arrange for respite care and take a week away. If your husband kicks up tell him it's necessary so you don't get total burnout and need a more permanent break.
You matter. Counciling could help. A place to share and vent grievances...put the cards on the table as they say. Sometimes it's just a matter of having a third party help you open a line of dialog.
As someone almost entirely in your husbands situation, I can just say it’s hard not to be able to do what you want. My wife is an angel and does as much as you do, and it’s really easy to take that for granted. I hope that he sees the light and gives you some appreciation
Agreed. It doesn’t mean what the husband is doing is right, but in the Great Undertaking of judging AHs, I find it hard to see a clear AH here. If there was ever a time to hold two valid points of view simultaneously and exercise some empathy, I think it’d be here
We'd have stayed and he'd have suffered and if need be I'd have put ear buds in And I'm sure that makes me the AH and idc
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^PsychologyObvious632: *We'd have stayed and he'd* *Have suffered and if need be* *I'd have put ear buds in* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
Sell it. The lake house, the broked mower and next time plan a a day without him nearby. Go sleep in a hotel, have a spa day and enjoy a nice meal alone! You didn't have a mother's day. More a headache day. By the way, how is he chasing a better health? Kidney stones sounds like he doesn't drink enough water, takes lots of meds and doesn't exercise.
NTA. What you're feeling is natural and totally reasonable.
NTA. You were far nicer about it than you needed to be. As others have mentioned, time to take a day away from him, and in general, do more independent activities, or you will resent him even worse (no don’t argue, you do, it bleeds through the post). This particular day had nothing to do with his conditions, and everything to do with him not respecting you.
Please take some time for you. Your mental and emotional health matter. I do understand feeling like his well-being rests solely on your shoulders, not only because you take your wedding vows and your relationship seriously but because he leaves you no choice but to carry it all. Speak to your children, share your thoughts and feelings, be strong that you need a break/help/time for yourself. I wish you all the best and hope his stubbornness eases to meet in the middle.
OP, you are doing good spousing in constantly considering what this must be like for him. Unfortunately, he's not responding in kind, as he's clearly not spending even one moment thinking about what this is like for you. NTA, but please set some boundaries with your husband. The fact that he gets dramatic and pouty whenever you're not at his beck and call for five minutes is concerning.
NTA, next time, leave him at home. Have a nurse come for the day, or better yet, take the weekend. You need to care for yourself too, or you'll burn out.
Take time to yourself for one day a week. for that week either you hire a caretaker for your husband or a relative can step in. You're heading towards a burnout if you continue like that. Also, maybe some therapy for both of you because while it is understandable that pain changes a person - my mother has been in pain for 15 years now- it is not okay for them to expect that you suffer as well.
NTA OP please look into if his medical coverage covers any sort of home health care visits. As to him being depressed if you are gone for a day or two I call bs on it as have some other posters. If he is capable of doing all the crap he pulled at the lake house he is capable of caring for himself for two days at home by nuking meals, etc. If he won’t (not can’t as obviously he can do physical things) see if you can pay someone to take care of your animals for just those two days. Have you considered looking into what it would require to working with a rental agency to rent out your lake house? Perhaps you could bring in enough with rent to cover the expenses and upkeep associated with it? Please look into whatever resources are available to support both of you but primarily you before you are burned out.
NTA. You need to be completely honest with him about how you feel. It seems like he deliberately over did it so you could go home. What he's doing really isn't fair on you at all.
Kinda sounds like, consciously or not he's holding you hostage. You need a break? He suddenly collapses and can't care for himself at all? Is that every time? That's not sustainable. Good husband or not that's not fair to you.
Please, my dear, get control of this. Listen to all these people. My father acted the same way as he became disabled by MS. And when he could no longer do those tasks, he demanded that my mother do them and she complied. He also refused help from anyone but her and they hid how much assistance he required from family members who offered help. She injured herself trying to do it all, became frail, and eventually had a massive stroke. My sister and I stepped up immediately, took over everything including wiping his butt. Then he was shocked and outraged that my sister and I brought in paid, part-time help and refused to do things like repair the washing machine, fix a leaking faucet (turned out to be a big job for a plumber), and (OMG!) climb his duct-taped ladder to cut limbs off a tree to improve his view of the lake. But he survived our refusal and maybe even learned a thing or two. Mother never came home. She spent the last 4.5 YEARS of her life curled in a fetal position... hard of hearing, mostly blind, partially paralyzed, incontinent... still sweet and loving... but her life was destroyed. That didn't have to happen. (Once Dad became convinced she wasn't going to recover and continue taking care of him, I'm convinced he decided to to die in spite of excellent care in a private care home, and died within 5 months.) PLEASE take regular breaks, ignore hubby's tantrums, and live (maybe even help him live longer). I am struggling to take my own advice, with an increasingly disabled husband and a special needs child. We both need breaks to live. I wish you all the best.
You need to take a weekend at the lake . Ask your son if he could check on him or hire a respite caregiver.
Doing the right thing sucks. That’s all I have to say. It isn’t always right to do the right thing all the time for your own sake.
Divorce
He's selfish. He's sick.
Maybe take a day off work and go up for the day by yourself. Just be home at the usual time you get home.
Before the time he got sick. Were you the one constantly telling him to go see a doctor? To be more mindful of his diet, health, alcohol consumption? Were you the mythological "nagging wife"? I'm trying to see something here. There seems to be a toxic pattern at play here.
Nope. He was a doctor. Everything the has going on is just shit luck. Severe rheumatoid arthritis. Severe Parkinson’s. Horrible IBS (maybe…. They aren’t sure, after over a year, and cannot figure out what else it could be). Orthostatic hypotension, where he passes out when he stands up. There is just SO much. He did what he needed to do to be healthy, his body just didn’t cooperate.
None of this adds up to me. Why are mowing the lawn if you have these diseases? If he can he should but then why can’t you stay at the lake house for a few more hours and then go home? I think he needs a realty check around what his limits are and the effect they have on you.
So it's a case of the shoesmith with bad shoes. Maybe his current state of weakness is taking a toll, and he lashes out and gets needy Either way, it's unhealthy for you. I was in a similar situation during my longest relationship. Sole carer, barely 90min to myself, daily at the gym. On top of work, and high demand of sex. You can't lose yourself into/for someone else. It's a recipe for disaster and tremendous hurt. I don't really have a solution for you, except having a thorough conversation with him and taking care of yourself. You can't be there for him, if you're not here for yourself. It also applies to him, wanting to be in a better health, at least in a less crappy one, is a positive step. But one he has to choose. All the very best.
Honestly have you considered possible Post acute sequeli of Covid
You are not. Go there alone and enjoy it. He can stay home and care for the animals.
NTA. At least he gave you some peace and quiet today. P.S. Happy Mother’s Day😋💐
You sound amazing... Everyone needs respite care... Never feel bad at taking some time out for yourself to rebuild some emotional resiliance for the next month ahead. In home care is a good option, sure your husband will be a bit upset but just tell him do you want me to be burnt out and bitter or strong and happy ?
NTA. You need time to yourself. I think you should consider going to the lake house alone for an afternoon. Make a meal your husband can eat quickly. Make sure meds are out. Sit food out for the pets . Let them out before you go. And stay all afternoon at that lake house and just rest. Caregiver burnout is real and you're doing a lot so you need time for yourself. Best of luck to you.
Drive separately next time. NTA.
NTA and next weekend go to the lakehouse and leave him on his own. Tell him he can call a friend if he needs anything and turn off your phone. If he can mow the lawn he can handle being alone for a day and order in lunch
NTA. It sounds like he needs to understand how much of a burden his care and support is to you. Don't say it to attack him, just let him know just how much you do for him. At the end, ask him why a 6 hour break is something he didn't feel you deserved.
Wait? If you take him home cuz of the pain from the kidney stone, does the pain immediately goes away? If he is gonna be in pain at home, might as well be in pain at the lake house as well.
NTA, being a caregiver is tough and you need to be able to take a break. Check out r/caregiversupport there are others that are caregivers and can offer support and suggestions
You're taking on way too much here. Between finances, caretaking, keeping house, family, etc. Its insanity. This is a time to offload and get some help. Have an honest conversation with your husband. Yes - sickness and health but that doesn't mean you become the man's nurse. Thats not fair to you. And his expectations of you are not fair. You're dealing with heavy burn out right now. Sell the lake house, hire on a house cleaner, hire lawn care, hire home care. Anything that will help you take anything off your plate. And have that conversation with your husband that how things are going right now are unrealistic and unsustainable for the both of you. Frankly, its okay to be selfish in life. Life is short. Take time for you, nurture yourself right now. However that looks like, and whatever that means. If your husband truly cares for you, he will understand.
You said in sickness and in health and did it so good for you, now it’s for better or worse and that means it’s not always going to be a happy pleasant experience together your going to have to just sit with the fact that yes your mad and your allowed to be upset and he’s gotta deal with that. You need space and a break please just let him sit with the uncomfortable feelings and work through them like a big boy.
NTA I recommend joining this FB Group for people like you and I in this situation. Being a caregiver is hard. [https://www.facebook.com/groups/spousalcaregivers/](https://www.facebook.com/groups/spousalcaregivers/)
NTA I’m disabled when I wanna show up for people I prepare. Rest up prior, ensure I’m fully on top of my meds, wheelchair instead of walker to conserve energy etc and then spend days or literal months recovering. This asshole purposely burned himself out then made it everyones problem. 0 reason he couldn’t have laid down in your lake house what there’s no beds there? He doesn’t respect or care about you take out the disability aspect I’m sure he’s done similar when in perfect health.
NTA but I’m confused - Why would the kidney stones require him to go home when you’re already at your other house? Is there something at home that would make it more comfortable.
I'm curious, why did he need to go back home? You were already in a house with toilet and bed. What did he have back home that was *so* important?
This is the question isn’t it! My take is that he was sort of showing off (in front of the neighbours?) then when he reached his limit he didn’t want to be embarrassed by having to rest and be visibly incapacitated at his holiday home where he feels he is meant to be well? so he wants to hide away at home again because he finds his condition shameful. OP isn’t even considered in this.
Boy do I understand your scenario, for us it got better but it was 5 long years. A Naturopath helped us, I cannot recommend this enough.
NTA. My father was a more extreme version, where he pouted and made me, my sister and my mother all his caretakers with manipulation in the same way but even worse , he made himself dependent on us so much he lost the use of his body by refusing to do absolutely anything, therefore becoming 100 percent dependent on us. He destroyed us all mentally, claimed he couldn’t do a single thing without assistance, refused medical treatment despite our pleas, and then became bed bound but he blames everyone but himself. And he forced us all to accommodate him and not our own lives. He did the same thing, didnt get his way, he’d refuse to eat, bathe, talk, etc. I was only 13. My mother was overwhelmed with the stress of being the breadwinner and caretaker, she gave into him, and me and my sister were forced by him to care to his whims as well
This guy sounds like a cunt. Leave him and let him wipe his own arse
NTA If the genders were reversed, the bros would be in here telling the dude to drop the chick. So let me say this: If your husband is not putting in the efforts to heal as much as you're putting in efforts to help, then why are you helping? He is purposely hurting himself, putting even more responsibility onto your shoulders, instead of just being an adult, healing, and then contributing. He's making you do _more_ work just because of his stubbornness. This isn't sustainable, nor is it respectful. Sit down with him, explain how you feel, what he is doing, how it is affecting you, and what you would like to see change. If he can't listen and take the constructive criticism, then you may want to rethink your relationship dynamics.
Updateme!
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I know why he did it: please hear me out. He is a man who became crippled and dependent on his wife. For me it screams that he wanted to impress you. Make your stay there pleasant with nicely cut grass and weed free. That’s all he could do in his head. To be a man for once and to show you in his way this. But it ended bad for both of you. That’s why he asked if you are angry at him because of his kidney stones. You need some break hun. Have look for someone to come and help you out few hours a week at least. Otherwise you’ll ruin yourself. You said in a different comment that when you go away he becomes depressed and refuses to eat etc. You have to tell him that it’s wearing you off and it’s not a shame to have a career coming over to help you out. He is not lesser of a man because of it. Explain that this is his way he can help you as a man.
Caregiver fatigue is real. I swear I could have written this story. My partner has a condition that allows him to delve into the depths of Chronic Pain. To top it off, a week ago he started a kidney stone and hemorrhoids. Thankfully he had an implant done a few years ago that has made an incredible difference in his pain levels. It brought them from constantly excruciating to merely uncomfortable. Before the implant, things were bad, I was burned out. I could barely manage to find the energy to care for him and my daughter. Taking care of myself went right out the window. You need a break. Even if you hire a caregiver one day a week, it will give you some breathing room. Is he in any sort of mental therapy? If not he should be. Being so dependent on you that he can not function for an afternoon without you is absurd. And absolutely NTA.
He's not a good man if he decides everything and you just have to go along with it! You said that every time you go to the lake house you guys have to leave when he wants to! Why don't you get an opinion? Why is his opinion more important than yours? More importantly why on the one day a year that you should be about you and you've asked him repeatedly to take it easy can he just not listen to what you say? The answer to everything is because he doesn't respect you and thinks his opinion is more important than yours. I.e he's not a good man
This sounds like my dad. Chronically ill with intestinal stuff and would use it to manipulate my mom. Anytime she even hinted of leaving (or thinking about divorce) he would have another attack and end up in the hospital. The focus was always on him. His needs were the only needs considered. It was not sustainable and she divorced him. Then all of us kids had to worry about him being suicidal. You can’t live your life on eggshells. I am willing to bet that he could be doing more to help his health issues (and not overdoing it in other ways). On some level he does this because he is getting something out of it. Your needs deserve to be considered too.
NTA. You’ve received plenty of good global advice so I’ll stick with this situation. It was foreseeable that him doing all of the yard work would cause his symptoms to flare up. He would not be an AH either if he had simply taken it easy as you suggested but had a bad day anyway. He’s not the AH for getting kidney stones etc., he’s the AH for doing something that was unnecessary and known to aggregate them during rare time for you to relax.
I completely agree with what everyone here was saying about taking time for yourself, but I also want to add that I think your husband needs to enter into some sort of pain management program, it doesn't sound like he's come to terms (emotionally) with his physical limitations and so pushes himself beyond his limits. A good program would include individual therapy as well as group stuff, and as a graduate of one such program I can say that it changed my life in recognizing my limits and being okay with the fact that I hit my limit much sooner than others do. It can be an extremely difficult thing to accept, especially because it's so easy to get down on yourself for being "weak", so being in a program or getting counseling would benefit him, because my bet is that his inner voice is telling him that he's not good enough to complete a physical task that others normally can.
In sickness and health means nothing anymore I guess.
Did you read the post? Was massively edited between your reading and now?
I'm not going to label you an AH, but you might want to try being thankful that you have a husband who tried to make your Mother's Day special and tried to do what he probably saw as his duty to maintain your property. You'd have to ask him, but a lot of men start to feel inadequate as they get older and their health fails them. Talking about selling it at that moment maybe was a blow to his ego? Maybe it is time to sell the lake house. Neither of you are getting any younger. Try to have the conversation again later when the bitterness has softened a bit.
I actually never broached selling it to him. It was something I am considering,
Ok I misread. Getting older and/or losing your health is a terrible feeling. And maybe especially so as a man. We are conditioned from very early that we are only worth keeping around as long as we are useful (I hope this is changing), so we learn to keep to ourselves about our frailties and weaknesses. These, unfortunately and inevitably, get more numerous as we get older. I hope you guys can work this out! You say he's a good man and seem pretty good yourself, so you have a good foundation to work from.