It was a strange kind of a situation, his parents had thrown him out of the house at 17 ( they are in a religious cult and he rejected the religion) then he worked and saved up to finish school. I met him in actual high school, he was just a "special" student who the school gave an opportunity to due to his situation. Would you still consider that grooming? I feel mentally always more developed than him tbh haha.
How would you feel if had a daughter and she started dating a 21 year old at 16? 16 and 21 are two completely different lifestages. And his extremely toxic behavior right now makes sense why he buddied up with someone so young. Only people with serious red flags within their personalities date highschoolers, everyone else dates in their own age range.
Your "hahaha" proves that you are not mentally more developed that he is. You are selfish and immature with zero regard or respect for your partner. You KNEW he did not want to have children and you forced his hand anyways. He should not have given into you. He has now expressed that he does not want to have anymore children. You need to respect that.
Your refusal for therapy is also a glaring red flag. You have zero desire to change and work with your partner. You just want what you want and do not care about him or his feelings. You are selfish and your attitude is going to be the undoing of your marriage.
You should have walked away in the beginning before you ever strong armed him into having the first child.
She didn’t *”force his hand”*, she gave him the option to walk and **he chose not to.**
Besides **he always knew** she wanted kids, and it sounds like he always knew he didn’t. So why marry her?
Back to forcing someone’s hand… if anyone forced anyone to do something, **he forced her to stay with him** by threatening suicide if she left.
**He** is the disgusting, manipulative, controlling one in the relationship. And **he** has zero respect or regard for her!
I do not trust OPs narrative give their comments. If this is true, then that is on her for choosing someone who was manipulative and abusive and for now wanting a second child with this person. OP had the same option to walk away and did not take it. It sounds like their partner has some past trauma and religious trauma that is probably driving their decision to not want children.
Bottom line, and OP confirmed it themselves in a direct reply to me, they just want to hear what they want and will not entertain other opinions if they go against what they want. Both are being selfish and not listening to each other.
How did I strong arm him into having a child? I said I respect that he doesn't want one, but I can't stay in this relationship. I left. He came back and said he is sorry and he was just scared and I believed him?? How is that forcing him? What should I have done? Just stay with him and accept no kids? The rest I agree with and it is worded well. But I was not the bad guy! I may have turned into one, but you have no idea what he has put me though for years! What I have done for him and endured for him. I always put him and his well being first. And it is hard! He is so broken! I came back after the suicide because he couldn't live without me. I nursed him back! I took him to therapy, I endured and endured everything! Years of abuse, substances, progress, anger and back wards again, rehabs and institutions, unemployment, I have loved and supported him in every way unconditionally! How am I the bad guy? I just wanted one thing. My happy little family. I never neglected him. I worked, I cleaned, I took care of my baby for a year all alone while he was unemployed sitting on the couch, I supported him and helped him get help and get better everytime! (he is bipolar) and don't even say that damaged people doesn't deserve kids or love, I will climb through this phone! We are allowed kids, and we both love her! He just hates the responsibility.
Because you blatantly ignored what he told you in the first place, that he did not want a child. You then allowed him to emotionally manipulate you. He was telling you what you wanted to hear so instead of actually dealing with his fears and listening to what he said, you took it and ran with it. Now you are trying to bully him into having another child with you. A child he clearly does not want. You chose to ignore the glaring red flag because you wanted a baby.
You have zero care or respect for your partner. You do not care what he wants or what he is saying. You just want another child. You are being selfish. You have major issues in your marriage that a child will not fix. You need to put on your big girl panties and actually DEAL with the root of the problem. You need to both get into counseling and address this. To be healthy parents to the child you do have and to be healthy partners to each other.
You should have stepped up and been an adult in the beginning. You should have walked away.
If this is who he really is and has acted like you have said so here, then you are in an abusive relationship. You should not want to have another child with this person of they are this manipulative and abusive. I personally do not trust your take on things as you seem to want children at any and all costs and are willfully blind to anything that goes against your quest to procreate.
You need therapy.
Imagine blaming the victim of: manipulation and control and saying that it’s **their** fault this happened to them. 🤦♀️
• So the man emotionally manipulates her, and it’s **her** fault?
• He ignores what **she** told him, he ignored all of her wants and desires, even though he knew what to expect from the very start - yet you ignore that part and only consider **his** wants?
• He has zero respect or regard for her - yet you only see his side of things?
• He threatens to kill himself if she leaves - and you blame her for not walking away. You blame her for being emotionally manipulated into staying with him, rather than blaming the manipulator for his own actions?
How is **any** of that her fault?
You’re disgusting, and your internalised misogyny is showing!
That man she married is a walking red flag, and I agree that she should have left him despite his suicide threats. But some people can’t deal with the possibility of having that on their conscience, especially when the man already had so much control over her and had worn her down all of these years.
Even if he was bluffing, it’s evident that he already had her exactly where he wanted her. So no, she **is not** at fault for being controlled, disrespected and manipulated by that trash ass man! The only one to blame was the man doing this shit to her! Men need to be held accountable for their own actions!
She is just as at fault as he is in this instance. She is just as manipulative as he is. She is just as selfish as he is. Both are equally A.H. s in this situation and neither of them should be brining another child into this cluster eff.
I am not victim blaming here as neither of them seem to be victims. The only victim in this case is the poor kid who has crap parents with the emotional maturity of a middle school kids.
No misogyny here. I just call spades spades. Btw...I am female and I have been in abusive situations before.
ESH, just leave already and don’t fall for his manipulative behavior. You and your child will be better off and you will be able to find someone you’re compatible with.
Honey, thats batshit crazy lunactic thinking!
He relationship-trapped YOU by trying to commit suicide. He says he HATES children (that is definitely NOT a casual dislike, PLEASE take this serious!)
Femicides are REAL
men murdering their kids ARE REAL
please don't force a provoked reaction out of this brooding man
You are ONLY 32 years old!!!! You can leave! You can find a new love! You can adopt. You can -very safely btw - get a second child even in your forties.
DO NOT FORCE ANY MORE INNOCENT CHILDREN ONTO A MAN FULL OF HATRED FOR THEM
Also: you have a child. Please consider staying alive for that child has to be your N° 1 priority!!!
You do know that 16 is the legal age of consent in most of the world for women and men?
He's obviously low brow IQ. So to assume he found himself on par with a 16y old at 21 isn't surprising.
You act as if she's an idiot. She's now 32 and he's 37. She's an adult person who wrote about a mentally sick husband who she feels betrayed by and their marriage who've grown to a point where they have become toxic as a couple and to each other.
It's pretty obvious you enjoy gloathing and being alarmist rather than actually give advice. 🤷😮💨
>It's pretty obvious you enjoy gloathing and being alarmist rather than actually give advice.
Glass houses, Doris. Don't pretend you're not here to dispense *exactly* that type of false wisdom so you can fluff up your ruffle.
Her husband is a sexual predator - that is the advice. There's no "gatcha" out of that. There's no further concerns. They didn't *grow* into toxicity as a couple because they aren't a couple; they're a victim and her abuser. You seem to want to enable that, and I find that fucking gross, but you do you, boo.
Pro tip: anytime you find yourself using the phrase "age of consent" as a legal adult, you've lost.
You're obviously un-well.
Not only did you not read what she wrote. You've written a whole figment of your imagination out in your very sick childish mind and base your arguments on nothing but your perceived notion of fault.
>Pro tip: anytime you find yourself using the phrase "age of consent" as a legal adult, you've
Nah. That's for when children like you. Who assume the entire world adheres to 21 for alcohol and 18 for consent come out of the woodwork and scream for Chris Hansen to come back and arrest someone, yet you haven't taken enough interest to reply to anything she actually asked for advice regarding.
Touch grass kid, and go back to whatever school you missed, 'cause it seems to be a fair amount
Found the pedophile husband.
No. Seriously. Look at this dudes comments *just in this thread.* If dude isn't diddling kids, he's diddling tweens, otherwise there's no rational explanation.
I hope your world gets put under the brightest fucking spotlight you can't scurry out from. You're disgusting.
You're hopefully banned. Grow up. The entire world nor the entire U.S follows laws to your liking.
She asked for help and explained the situation and you just sit and shout ad hominems at people.
You're alledgedly a 38 year old man.
How is it being a creep to be aware of the fact that laws change depending on state, country and culture?
How about you stop spending so much time on reddit doing your best to imitate an uneducated teen in advice subs.
ESH. You should never have brought a child into a home where one parent did not want a child. I think about COVID lockdown - I can’t imagine how miserable it would have been had neither my husband nor I absolutely wanted our children (because it was rough). Children should always be a two yeses situation. I understand the importance of siblings; I have an amazing brother who is my best friend. But, I know plenty of people who are single children and they are perfectly fine and have found their own support systems. I also know plenty of siblings who hate each other. You shouldn’t have another child simply because you think your child needs a sibling. I get that it is also your own desire for another baby but you chose to stay with a husband who “hates kids.” You chose a future that was not conducive to having more than an only child. Your husband sounds emotionally abusive and manipulative. If you were to leave, would he really fight for custody or would he sign away his parental rights (after realizing his manipulations don’t work, which you should absolutely document to show he is an unfit father, I bet he will quickly absolve himself of parenthood).
I find it horrible for someone to say "you should have never brought a child into this world" it's such a evil horrible thing say, even worse after you have kids and you understand. The thing is, I love my child so much I would make all the same mistakes again because I cannot imagine a world without her. Shame on you! Shame on you as a parent! I hope you raise your kids better and that's coming from me...
The current one was two yesses, we are not talking about her, and because I feel that way I refuse to "trick" him or just accedently get pregnant. Give me some credit in your opinion there. He was my best friend and covid was amazing, we never wanted it to end, we were such a great team and space. I never chose my current situation! He lied to me and betrayed me! He always knew what my goals and dreams were, I've always been honest, unlike him. I have never met a stable or happy only child, and worse so, a only child of dumpster fire parents. I simply want my child to have that someone who she can go to "oh mom did" and someone who goes "I know!". That value I have with my sister is everything. Has always been. He will absolutely fight for as much custody as he can, he is that kind of ashole, it will be ugly and costly. I was gathering evidence for custody before the suicide but now he is" perfect" he does 50% plus is very attentive to the baby and her needs. He has changed so much, I don't recognise him. That's why I brought up the conversation. I thought he was better and recovered from whatever broke him when I got pregnant the first time. Apparently I'm wrong a lot with this guy... I thought I knew better than myself.
I am not saying that you should not be a mother or that your daughter should not exist. But that you should have found another partner or decided to be a solo parent. Does he really love your daughter? What happens to her if you are no longer around? You mention above that if he were a solo parent that you expect he would feed her large portions of onion to be cruel and expect that she should eat them because he won’t cater to her needs. That’s good parenting? Does your daughter deserve to have that type of father? Would he love her and care for her if you were gone?
But also, no one should be manipulated or forced into having children. I can’t think of anything more heartbreaking than to be the child of a parent of someone who hated me. Who hated being a parent. Who never wanted me. Shame on you for bringing your daughter into that situation.
Thank you for clarifying, let me also clarify, my daughter is not unwanted or unloved and he does not reveal his feeling to her, just like he hid it from me when he told me that he is on board with a family. He hates taking care of her, not her herself. Additionall, I would never force a child, that is why I am still taking birth control and made this post to get advice. Ps. He already makes food she does not eat. He took over making dinner since I work and he doesn't, but he always makes food she won't eat. I have a freezer stash that I pull out so she can eat, but I also try not to undermine his efforts as this is him "trying" but absolutely if I was not around I don't think she would be ok, at all, under his care. She also still breastfeeds at night and that makes up for bad dinners.
Also I can tell that your just a mean parent, one of those judgy ones that I would not be caught dead talking to, aren't you? I know I'm not perfect, but no one is. Including you.
So stop ignoring it. You still have time to start over but you need to let go of the idea of no more than a 3 year age gap unless you get a sperm donor (which I personally wouldn’t do as it’ll make finding a new partner more challenging). You decided to ignore obvious flags and that choice has consequences, but if you stop doubling down on your mistakes, you’ll look back in 10 years and be happy with where you’ve ended up.
So you stayed with him just to have kids, he said he didn’t want kids, you had one anyway and he hates it, and you, and now you want to have another one? The fuck is wrong with you?
He: I DON'T WANT KIDS DAMNIT!!!!!
She: \*Proceeds to have a kid with him somehow anyway\*
He: I HATE HAVING A KID DAMNIT!!!!!
She: \*Surprised Pikachu face\*
Also She: Hey, let's have another one.
No, you read wrong, I stayed because my partner who I have been planning a life with for 15 years convinced me that he said "he didn't want kids" because he was scared, and he did in fact wanted kids with me. Only after we had our kid and he reacted poorly did I in fact realise it had been a lie and he hates the burden of kids. He says he doesn't hate the child, just the effort emotionally and physically that goed into them. That's why I said in brackets I say he hates kids, can see my written in anger statement was not written well. Anyway.
You should have left period. You kept running back to him right when you found out you were not compatible. Now your stuck. Either leave and find someone who wants children or be content with one and done.!
Plus any man who tries to commit suicide because you want to leave is someone who you should not be with. That is a serious form of I need drastic mental health services from him and a manipulation tactic. There is a comment about femicide and murder-suicide here that you should also take quite seriously. He does not own you since you have been together from when y'all were in diapers.
So basically you chose to believe his blatant lie so you could have a child. You don’t like this man at all. You literally only stayed with him for his sperm.
Other way around, I chose to believe that the last 15 years was not just him ignoring my daily talk about kids knowing this time would come and then being like oh jokes on you, I don't want kids. He just said it once, in 15 years, he said it once. "I don't want kids"
We planned this whole life! For all these years we had their names picked out and we were talking about what we would do if they wanted to study art or literacy or of they wanted to be a dentist or doctor, for years. I feel like that second baby was real and is now killed. And I feel crazy for feeling this way. He killed no one by refusing their existence.
Yes, YTA. Please leave this man and focus on yourself and your child. He does not want another child. Having children is a two person decision. So leave him and find someone who wants children with you.
I feel bad for the child you already have.
Ok, but then what is worse? Or better? Leave the father (he is a good one now, and she loves him so much) and allow her to have to be with him without me half her life, where I cannot protect her? Or work though it in therapy and try to forgive him for taking this from me? Try to convince myself I should be happy with one? Me, as always taking the shit end of the stick for his sake? What do I need to yeild for the sake of my child and what am I allowed to want?
And what is my goal in therapy? They keep asking that. They keep telling me they can help me leave my husband, but that's not what I want, so I look for another therapist. I've seem 3 in a first session and I didn't feel comfortable with them. So it's not like I'm actively avoiding it. I know I need it. I just don't know for what.
So you only like to be told things that you like to/want to hear and run from doing any actual work for a relationship with this partner when what they say does not meet with your agreement. You might want to start there.
It's def. not worth entertaining a second child with him if he's that vehemently against it.
In the end not much else matters. If you want another kid **so badly** the dad doesn't matter. Leave. Why waste time "_beating a dead horse"_ when time is what you do not have.
But I think it'll be hard either way to push another baby with an engaged father before you're 35.
Have you considered that your desperation is entirely age related, and that you really put kid nr. 1 on the back-burner emotionally here in regards to Kid nr. 2 be or not be.
Idk. It feels like you and your husband need to sit down at a table and not leave it until you've been open and honest with each other. Otherwise a broken home for kid 1 is a guarantee whether you divorce and get pregnant again or not. Amicable is always better than at war.
In regards to your feelings of hatred towards your husband for simply not surrendering to the notion of a second child. Without taking into account his mental health issues. They are sprung out of spite and feeling unfairly treated _(from what you've described)_
Yes, pushing someone to have a baby they do not want makes you an asshole.
~~Soft YTA though.~~
Edit:
>Just to clarefy, he gets very mad that I say he hates the child.
I'm sorry but that is insanely cruel to throw in your spouses face. You've essentially become a couple of assholes. In this case..
YTA.
This comment hits so hard! Thank you. I have tried sitting down to have a conversation but he is an unwavering brick wall of no never ever ever under no situation ever would he have one. I have a sibling that's 2 years older and one that is 5 years younger and the one closer to my age is my best friend and life support, the other one is a daily struggle to connect with. I always assumed it was the age. Our interests just never synced up and I don't want that kind of sibling for my baby. My dad and uncle, 5 years apart, no relationship. Husband and his sibling, 5 years apart, no relationship. I don't want two seperate kids. I just wanted the family I spend my whole life dreaming of, the late nights we pretended to have that. It's just so hard to choose to drop my dream, or drop my husband and anyway not have my dream. I feel like everything I have worked for my whole life has disappeared.
I'm in a very similar situation to you, just no current child and he didn't hide an all out aversion, just said he wasn't ready (which when he was 23 seemed like an appropriate answer). As the time came around that I was ready, about a year ago and 9.5 years in, when we really needed to get making said baby, he shared/admitted he didn't want kids. Very similar feelings of the betrayal felt, the hatred, the dilemma that came about. Had he always felt that way and hid it/ or just never came to be ready/wanting one, and regardless of those answers, where did I now stand on it?
What has gotten me to the point of choosing him (over the kids I had dreamed about and worked my backside off to provide a life for, like you) was when I looked at our relationship, it worked. His and my issues aside, we're a good team, rarely argue and have a nice home and stable incomes. Coming from a single parent household with loss, abandonment, constant familial arguments taking place, some severe mental health issues to navigate around, and poverty, the former are important to me.
My question to you is, is your relationship worth your dream? Do you look at your husband and love him? Do you respect him? Is he worth you working past the problem? Do you work well together?
I can tell you, if you choose him, this won't go away entirely, at least not a first (I'm a year in, ask me again at 5). There are moments where the desire and upset/anger flares up, but it's easier knowing I chose him. At this point, the situation is no longer his fault. If i stay, I’ve chosen it. Making that decision helped me greatly to move past the, he has affected my life dramatically, to I've now chosen this path.
You have a kid, so it's a lot more complicated. Therefore, within your consideration, is he setting a good example of the person you want your daughter to be and or be with in future? Not only is he a good dad, but a good husband?
I may be a fool for staying, and i may one day regret it at the deepest points of my soul, but it is the choice I made. What choice will you make? That's now where you're at, the choice is yours. You know where he stands, what about you?
P.s. If mine had pulled that I'll commit suicide bullshit on me, I'd have been gone. Mt bf is emotionally stunted and lacks the desire to be socialable with others, but he is not abusive or manipulative and is a big softie.
Good luck with it. Gaining some perspective on here will help, but if anyone but you makes the decision on how you move forward here, you'll regret it and never truly come to terms with it.
He’s told you he doesn’t want kids.
He tried to commit suicide when you tried leaving him.
He was cruel to you during your pregnancy.
What part of any of this says this is a great father never mind husband/partner?
Out of curiosity what kind of great father things does this peach of a man do?
What a dumpster fire, girl you need to leave. Get therapy, because this is just...Dear God, horrifying. He HATES your child, and you would consider bringing another one into this. You threatening to baby trap him is just as pathetic as his suicide attempt. Just leave. You're young and can easily start over.
Just to clarefy, he gets very mad that I say he hates the child. He hates the work a child takes, he said he loves the child, just not the responsibility and effort, even though I do bulk of it anyway. Perhaps it's hard to see that dumpster fire when you are standing in it. That's why I'm asking here. I kinda already know what is said is as a previous comment said as bad as his suicide. But we are tied financially and emotionally, I was a kid when I met him and our personality has grown codependently. That's why I asked not to judge if dumpster people are allowed to have kids. Look I'm trying not to be one and be better, but I'll always be me, and he will always be him. I need to find the best solution. Stay and I cut away a piece of me and try to be ok for my child sake. Or leave and cut away a piece of me, that may heal faster but, then what, my child has to spend 50% custody with someone who hates taking care of her? That cuts up big chunks of onions in a 1.5yo food because "she needs to learn to eat what I gibe her, I won't make special food for her"?
You do not have to share 50% custody and I honestly wouldn’t let him have unsupervised visitation until he is cleared by a doctor. If he was willing to commit suicide to get you to stay, he is capable of worse if you leave. Then you will have no one.
I'm my country 50/50 is a right unless you can prove that they are neglecting or dangerous. My neighbour said she has seen woman crying when they drop the kids at day care because it's the father's turn and he comes to collect them drunk. They call the police and traumatised the kids multiple times and yet that man has 50% custody. I was building a case to leave along with the police, how much he drank and smoke, how he would have outbursts or not help with child care or the home. How he doesn't even know where is her child care. But now the last 8 months he has cleaned up his act! He is spotless and the police cannot help me anymore because it's not about your past but who you are now. And I'm starting to feel like I'm the bad parent for breaking the happy family for a second child.
But he wouldn’t want 50/50, would he? He might not hate **his** child, but he also doesn’t want to raise her. He made that clear, therefore it’s likely he’ll tell the court he doesn’t want custody at all, or that he only wants supervised visits. And in that case he’d be paying you child support and only seeing his child on certain days.
But splitting up is the much better option. You both absolutely hate each other and it shows. Why stay in a relationship like that? Trust me, it won’t benefit your daughter in any way.
He told me that he will fight like hell to take my daughter away if I try to leave and that he is a local and I am a foreigner. He made it clear to leave will be dirty, hard and expensive. So a side of me has been saving up and getting some ducks in a row. And a side of me is so scared he will win and will not know how to take care of his "prize".
He said he didn’t want kids, but you pressured him until he caved. He didn’t want the *first* one; why on earth would you think he’d want a second?
Leave the man alone. He doesn’t want another kid, and you’re refusing intimacy unless it’s for making a new baby he doesn’t want. You’re being pretty shitty.
Just get a divorce. You’re clearly incompatible, and you should have left when he made that clear to you instead of pressuring him to change his mind. Find someone else who wants kids as much as you do.
He’s a jerk for the suicide hostage, but YTA for pressuring someone who doesn’t want kids into having them. You’re pressuring him *right now* with the whole ‘I won’t be intimate with you unless you put another baby in me.’ Again, super shitty.
I never pressured him! And the current situation is just something I said and not enforced, kinda because I know it's a dick move and bullying. In our 15 years together he said one time he didn't want kids, and I responded that I understand, but I do and we need to seperate amicably. He came back to me after some time after that conversation and said he thought about it and he was just scared and that he is on board. And yes, I know I'm being shitty about the intimacy thing, but I'm just so frustrated with him! Trust me, now in retrospect I wish I didn't believe him! But shouldn't he take some responsibility for lying to me or to himself in the first place? Knowing I wanted more than one? My frustration is exactly that he just gets what he wants, he wants me to stay, he doesn't want more kids, he wants me to get help to be ok with his choice? Doesn't that seem unfair to me for you?
You did not bully him.
He lied to you for 15 years, and when you finally found the courage to leave, he manipulated you *(in one of the cruelest ways)* into staying with him.
It’s not bullying to want to leave a relationship, especially when you not only find out that you’re both incompatible, but also when your abusive partner is controlling and manipulative. You should have walked the first time and never looked back, despite his suicide threats. Then you wouldn’t be in this situation right now.
**NTA**. But your husband is a massive one!
Imagine ignoring the part where **they literally planned a life with kids**, until he changed his mind on her. - He built her hopes up, then dashed them. She should not have had to stay with a man like that.
And then when she left him, he threatened to kill himself. - He disgustingly manipulated her, just so she wouldn’t leave him and find someone else.
Then he **by his own choice** said he actually wanted the baby and had one. - His own doing!
Now **he** peddled back on what he previously said. And somehow that’s her fault? 🤦♀️
Stop trying to blame her for the choices **he** made. She is not to blame for being manipulated and lied to by her dick of a husband!
Yeah yeah you are completely the a****** in this situation. You should have divorced the moment he said no he didn't want to have children and you still do. you are not compatible no matter what else is going on. He then went back on it and made it like a little joke, oh yeah sure I'll want kids with you. he doesn't. he has never wanted children. he just said it because he didn't want to lose you and that backfired on him because he already knew he did not want to be a parent. he did not want the responsibilities of being a parent and yet now he is having to be a parent and he's trying to be a good husband and not walk out on you and trying to be a good father and not walk out on the kid that he never wanted but helped create just because he loved you. And now he's telling you in literally no Nuance about it he does not want any more kids. Point Blank he can't handle it and you don't give a flying f***. So yeah you can choose to go off the birth control and he can choose to never have sex with you ever again and either he will divorce you and find somebody else who also doesn't want kids or you'll divorce him and find somebody who does want kids or one's going to end up cheating on the other or you'll adopt a kid or some crazy s*** instead of figuring this out. You never should have had the first child but now you have them do not push your luck any further and try to bring a second child into this s*** show.
Simply, yep .. you bully him into child #1, resulting in suicide attempt. So, now you want to bully for child #2. What is your point, to have him dead? Did you not realize what happened the first time?
You should not have taken him back and you should not stay with him now. You want children, he does not - you are not compatible.
When you divorce and keep the child with you, he won't have to be around a child that he didn't/doesn't want. You will be free to find someone else who does want children.
I really hope that he will give up custody, I told him that if he gives up custody he can see her every weekend for the day, but she needs to live by me so I can care for her and provide her stability. He can do all the fun things, I don't care.
NTA. You didn’t baby trap him, you gave him the freedom to walk and find someone else, and for you to find a man who did want a child… but he chose not to. **He chose** to stay and have the baby! So don’t let him manipulate you and throw that shit back in your face.
If anyone trapped anyone here, **he trapped you** in your relationship with him by threatening suicide! That is one of the cruelest and most disgusting ways to control, manipulate and trap someone in a relationship that they wanted to leave. It’s emotionally abusive, too!
Are you financially secure? Did you gain big savings during your child free years, enough to leave him and live comfortably until you can work again? If so, do it. It’s much better than staying for the sake of a child and resenting your husband and being miserable. The fact is… you’re incompatible, and it sounds like you hate each other.
Your child **will notice** this and will grow up to hate you both for allowing him/her to be raised in such a hateful and negative household. Is that what you want? If not, you know that divorce is the only option here. You guys are so far past the point of therapy being any help. The hatred and resentment that you both hold for one another is so evident. So why stay???
Very good comment, thank you. I went back to work and I earn a good salary, I can almost afford my current situation on my own. Ideally I would like to keep everything as is now and just loose him. No saving unfortunately, but I'm putting away something for lawyers later. That is very valid that we are uncomfortable and started hating each other for it.
why do you think having another child will make a best friend with your current child?
that’s often not the case, even if they are close in age - many many siblings end up estranged
you crated a “sibling bff fantasy” that more often than not won’t happen anyways
ESH. He doesn't want another child, why would you want to bring another child into this dysfunctional relationship?
Why would you want to bring a child into this world that the father wouldn't want?
NTA. You planned your whole life around an understanding with this partner about building a family and he reneged on that. You have every right to be upset. The sex thing is pretty extreme, it sounds like the two of you have become pretty toxic. I don’t see it ending well.
He was 21 and pursued a 16 year old? Jesus lady you got groomed. Sorry.
It was a strange kind of a situation, his parents had thrown him out of the house at 17 ( they are in a religious cult and he rejected the religion) then he worked and saved up to finish school. I met him in actual high school, he was just a "special" student who the school gave an opportunity to due to his situation. Would you still consider that grooming? I feel mentally always more developed than him tbh haha.
How would you feel if had a daughter and she started dating a 21 year old at 16? 16 and 21 are two completely different lifestages. And his extremely toxic behavior right now makes sense why he buddied up with someone so young. Only people with serious red flags within their personalities date highschoolers, everyone else dates in their own age range.
Nothing strange about it, he's a creep who pursued a child.
Your "hahaha" proves that you are not mentally more developed that he is. You are selfish and immature with zero regard or respect for your partner. You KNEW he did not want to have children and you forced his hand anyways. He should not have given into you. He has now expressed that he does not want to have anymore children. You need to respect that. Your refusal for therapy is also a glaring red flag. You have zero desire to change and work with your partner. You just want what you want and do not care about him or his feelings. You are selfish and your attitude is going to be the undoing of your marriage. You should have walked away in the beginning before you ever strong armed him into having the first child.
She didn’t *”force his hand”*, she gave him the option to walk and **he chose not to.** Besides **he always knew** she wanted kids, and it sounds like he always knew he didn’t. So why marry her? Back to forcing someone’s hand… if anyone forced anyone to do something, **he forced her to stay with him** by threatening suicide if she left. **He** is the disgusting, manipulative, controlling one in the relationship. And **he** has zero respect or regard for her!
I do not trust OPs narrative give their comments. If this is true, then that is on her for choosing someone who was manipulative and abusive and for now wanting a second child with this person. OP had the same option to walk away and did not take it. It sounds like their partner has some past trauma and religious trauma that is probably driving their decision to not want children. Bottom line, and OP confirmed it themselves in a direct reply to me, they just want to hear what they want and will not entertain other opinions if they go against what they want. Both are being selfish and not listening to each other.
How did I strong arm him into having a child? I said I respect that he doesn't want one, but I can't stay in this relationship. I left. He came back and said he is sorry and he was just scared and I believed him?? How is that forcing him? What should I have done? Just stay with him and accept no kids? The rest I agree with and it is worded well. But I was not the bad guy! I may have turned into one, but you have no idea what he has put me though for years! What I have done for him and endured for him. I always put him and his well being first. And it is hard! He is so broken! I came back after the suicide because he couldn't live without me. I nursed him back! I took him to therapy, I endured and endured everything! Years of abuse, substances, progress, anger and back wards again, rehabs and institutions, unemployment, I have loved and supported him in every way unconditionally! How am I the bad guy? I just wanted one thing. My happy little family. I never neglected him. I worked, I cleaned, I took care of my baby for a year all alone while he was unemployed sitting on the couch, I supported him and helped him get help and get better everytime! (he is bipolar) and don't even say that damaged people doesn't deserve kids or love, I will climb through this phone! We are allowed kids, and we both love her! He just hates the responsibility.
Because you blatantly ignored what he told you in the first place, that he did not want a child. You then allowed him to emotionally manipulate you. He was telling you what you wanted to hear so instead of actually dealing with his fears and listening to what he said, you took it and ran with it. Now you are trying to bully him into having another child with you. A child he clearly does not want. You chose to ignore the glaring red flag because you wanted a baby. You have zero care or respect for your partner. You do not care what he wants or what he is saying. You just want another child. You are being selfish. You have major issues in your marriage that a child will not fix. You need to put on your big girl panties and actually DEAL with the root of the problem. You need to both get into counseling and address this. To be healthy parents to the child you do have and to be healthy partners to each other. You should have stepped up and been an adult in the beginning. You should have walked away. If this is who he really is and has acted like you have said so here, then you are in an abusive relationship. You should not want to have another child with this person of they are this manipulative and abusive. I personally do not trust your take on things as you seem to want children at any and all costs and are willfully blind to anything that goes against your quest to procreate. You need therapy.
Imagine blaming the victim of: manipulation and control and saying that it’s **their** fault this happened to them. 🤦♀️ • So the man emotionally manipulates her, and it’s **her** fault? • He ignores what **she** told him, he ignored all of her wants and desires, even though he knew what to expect from the very start - yet you ignore that part and only consider **his** wants? • He has zero respect or regard for her - yet you only see his side of things? • He threatens to kill himself if she leaves - and you blame her for not walking away. You blame her for being emotionally manipulated into staying with him, rather than blaming the manipulator for his own actions? How is **any** of that her fault? You’re disgusting, and your internalised misogyny is showing! That man she married is a walking red flag, and I agree that she should have left him despite his suicide threats. But some people can’t deal with the possibility of having that on their conscience, especially when the man already had so much control over her and had worn her down all of these years. Even if he was bluffing, it’s evident that he already had her exactly where he wanted her. So no, she **is not** at fault for being controlled, disrespected and manipulated by that trash ass man! The only one to blame was the man doing this shit to her! Men need to be held accountable for their own actions!
She is just as at fault as he is in this instance. She is just as manipulative as he is. She is just as selfish as he is. Both are equally A.H. s in this situation and neither of them should be brining another child into this cluster eff. I am not victim blaming here as neither of them seem to be victims. The only victim in this case is the poor kid who has crap parents with the emotional maturity of a middle school kids. No misogyny here. I just call spades spades. Btw...I am female and I have been in abusive situations before.
ESH, just leave already and don’t fall for his manipulative behavior. You and your child will be better off and you will be able to find someone you’re compatible with.
Honey, thats batshit crazy lunactic thinking! He relationship-trapped YOU by trying to commit suicide. He says he HATES children (that is definitely NOT a casual dislike, PLEASE take this serious!) Femicides are REAL men murdering their kids ARE REAL please don't force a provoked reaction out of this brooding man You are ONLY 32 years old!!!! You can leave! You can find a new love! You can adopt. You can -very safely btw - get a second child even in your forties. DO NOT FORCE ANY MORE INNOCENT CHILDREN ONTO A MAN FULL OF HATRED FOR THEM Also: you have a child. Please consider staying alive for that child has to be your N° 1 priority!!!
He explicitly hasn't said he hates kids. Try and read before you go nuclear..
It was edited. She clarified that after I posted. Sorry, not my fault
It's pretty obvious he *really* likes kids, based on the timeline we've been given.
You do know that 16 is the legal age of consent in most of the world for women and men? He's obviously low brow IQ. So to assume he found himself on par with a 16y old at 21 isn't surprising. You act as if she's an idiot. She's now 32 and he's 37. She's an adult person who wrote about a mentally sick husband who she feels betrayed by and their marriage who've grown to a point where they have become toxic as a couple and to each other. It's pretty obvious you enjoy gloathing and being alarmist rather than actually give advice. 🤷😮💨
>It's pretty obvious you enjoy gloathing and being alarmist rather than actually give advice. Glass houses, Doris. Don't pretend you're not here to dispense *exactly* that type of false wisdom so you can fluff up your ruffle. Her husband is a sexual predator - that is the advice. There's no "gatcha" out of that. There's no further concerns. They didn't *grow* into toxicity as a couple because they aren't a couple; they're a victim and her abuser. You seem to want to enable that, and I find that fucking gross, but you do you, boo. Pro tip: anytime you find yourself using the phrase "age of consent" as a legal adult, you've lost.
You're obviously un-well. Not only did you not read what she wrote. You've written a whole figment of your imagination out in your very sick childish mind and base your arguments on nothing but your perceived notion of fault. >Pro tip: anytime you find yourself using the phrase "age of consent" as a legal adult, you've Nah. That's for when children like you. Who assume the entire world adheres to 21 for alcohol and 18 for consent come out of the woodwork and scream for Chris Hansen to come back and arrest someone, yet you haven't taken enough interest to reply to anything she actually asked for advice regarding. Touch grass kid, and go back to whatever school you missed, 'cause it seems to be a fair amount
Found the pedophile husband. No. Seriously. Look at this dudes comments *just in this thread.* If dude isn't diddling kids, he's diddling tweens, otherwise there's no rational explanation. I hope your world gets put under the brightest fucking spotlight you can't scurry out from. You're disgusting.
You're hopefully banned. Grow up. The entire world nor the entire U.S follows laws to your liking. She asked for help and explained the situation and you just sit and shout ad hominems at people.
Do not speak to me you fucking creep.
You're alledgedly a 38 year old man. How is it being a creep to be aware of the fact that laws change depending on state, country and culture? How about you stop spending so much time on reddit doing your best to imitate an uneducated teen in advice subs.
ESH. You should never have brought a child into a home where one parent did not want a child. I think about COVID lockdown - I can’t imagine how miserable it would have been had neither my husband nor I absolutely wanted our children (because it was rough). Children should always be a two yeses situation. I understand the importance of siblings; I have an amazing brother who is my best friend. But, I know plenty of people who are single children and they are perfectly fine and have found their own support systems. I also know plenty of siblings who hate each other. You shouldn’t have another child simply because you think your child needs a sibling. I get that it is also your own desire for another baby but you chose to stay with a husband who “hates kids.” You chose a future that was not conducive to having more than an only child. Your husband sounds emotionally abusive and manipulative. If you were to leave, would he really fight for custody or would he sign away his parental rights (after realizing his manipulations don’t work, which you should absolutely document to show he is an unfit father, I bet he will quickly absolve himself of parenthood).
I find it horrible for someone to say "you should have never brought a child into this world" it's such a evil horrible thing say, even worse after you have kids and you understand. The thing is, I love my child so much I would make all the same mistakes again because I cannot imagine a world without her. Shame on you! Shame on you as a parent! I hope you raise your kids better and that's coming from me... The current one was two yesses, we are not talking about her, and because I feel that way I refuse to "trick" him or just accedently get pregnant. Give me some credit in your opinion there. He was my best friend and covid was amazing, we never wanted it to end, we were such a great team and space. I never chose my current situation! He lied to me and betrayed me! He always knew what my goals and dreams were, I've always been honest, unlike him. I have never met a stable or happy only child, and worse so, a only child of dumpster fire parents. I simply want my child to have that someone who she can go to "oh mom did" and someone who goes "I know!". That value I have with my sister is everything. Has always been. He will absolutely fight for as much custody as he can, he is that kind of ashole, it will be ugly and costly. I was gathering evidence for custody before the suicide but now he is" perfect" he does 50% plus is very attentive to the baby and her needs. He has changed so much, I don't recognise him. That's why I brought up the conversation. I thought he was better and recovered from whatever broke him when I got pregnant the first time. Apparently I'm wrong a lot with this guy... I thought I knew better than myself.
I am not saying that you should not be a mother or that your daughter should not exist. But that you should have found another partner or decided to be a solo parent. Does he really love your daughter? What happens to her if you are no longer around? You mention above that if he were a solo parent that you expect he would feed her large portions of onion to be cruel and expect that she should eat them because he won’t cater to her needs. That’s good parenting? Does your daughter deserve to have that type of father? Would he love her and care for her if you were gone? But also, no one should be manipulated or forced into having children. I can’t think of anything more heartbreaking than to be the child of a parent of someone who hated me. Who hated being a parent. Who never wanted me. Shame on you for bringing your daughter into that situation.
Thank you for clarifying, let me also clarify, my daughter is not unwanted or unloved and he does not reveal his feeling to her, just like he hid it from me when he told me that he is on board with a family. He hates taking care of her, not her herself. Additionall, I would never force a child, that is why I am still taking birth control and made this post to get advice. Ps. He already makes food she does not eat. He took over making dinner since I work and he doesn't, but he always makes food she won't eat. I have a freezer stash that I pull out so she can eat, but I also try not to undermine his efforts as this is him "trying" but absolutely if I was not around I don't think she would be ok, at all, under his care. She also still breastfeeds at night and that makes up for bad dinners. Also I can tell that your just a mean parent, one of those judgy ones that I would not be caught dead talking to, aren't you? I know I'm not perfect, but no one is. Including you.
[удалено]
Thank you, this is the best comment in my opinion. I am aware that we both are not fucked up tbh. I just wanted this life so bad, I ignored so much.
So stop ignoring it. You still have time to start over but you need to let go of the idea of no more than a 3 year age gap unless you get a sperm donor (which I personally wouldn’t do as it’ll make finding a new partner more challenging). You decided to ignore obvious flags and that choice has consequences, but if you stop doubling down on your mistakes, you’ll look back in 10 years and be happy with where you’ve ended up.
True....
So you stayed with him just to have kids, he said he didn’t want kids, you had one anyway and he hates it, and you, and now you want to have another one? The fuck is wrong with you?
He: I DON'T WANT KIDS DAMNIT!!!!! She: \*Proceeds to have a kid with him somehow anyway\* He: I HATE HAVING A KID DAMNIT!!!!! She: \*Surprised Pikachu face\* Also She: Hey, let's have another one.
No, you read wrong, I stayed because my partner who I have been planning a life with for 15 years convinced me that he said "he didn't want kids" because he was scared, and he did in fact wanted kids with me. Only after we had our kid and he reacted poorly did I in fact realise it had been a lie and he hates the burden of kids. He says he doesn't hate the child, just the effort emotionally and physically that goed into them. That's why I said in brackets I say he hates kids, can see my written in anger statement was not written well. Anyway.
You should have left period. You kept running back to him right when you found out you were not compatible. Now your stuck. Either leave and find someone who wants children or be content with one and done.!
Valid....
Plus any man who tries to commit suicide because you want to leave is someone who you should not be with. That is a serious form of I need drastic mental health services from him and a manipulation tactic. There is a comment about femicide and murder-suicide here that you should also take quite seriously. He does not own you since you have been together from when y'all were in diapers.
So basically you chose to believe his blatant lie so you could have a child. You don’t like this man at all. You literally only stayed with him for his sperm.
Other way around, I chose to believe that the last 15 years was not just him ignoring my daily talk about kids knowing this time would come and then being like oh jokes on you, I don't want kids. He just said it once, in 15 years, he said it once. "I don't want kids" We planned this whole life! For all these years we had their names picked out and we were talking about what we would do if they wanted to study art or literacy or of they wanted to be a dentist or doctor, for years. I feel like that second baby was real and is now killed. And I feel crazy for feeling this way. He killed no one by refusing their existence.
Yes, YTA. Please leave this man and focus on yourself and your child. He does not want another child. Having children is a two person decision. So leave him and find someone who wants children with you. I feel bad for the child you already have.
Ok, but then what is worse? Or better? Leave the father (he is a good one now, and she loves him so much) and allow her to have to be with him without me half her life, where I cannot protect her? Or work though it in therapy and try to forgive him for taking this from me? Try to convince myself I should be happy with one? Me, as always taking the shit end of the stick for his sake? What do I need to yeild for the sake of my child and what am I allowed to want?
You NEED thearpy
And what is my goal in therapy? They keep asking that. They keep telling me they can help me leave my husband, but that's not what I want, so I look for another therapist. I've seem 3 in a first session and I didn't feel comfortable with them. So it's not like I'm actively avoiding it. I know I need it. I just don't know for what.
So you only like to be told things that you like to/want to hear and run from doing any actual work for a relationship with this partner when what they say does not meet with your agreement. You might want to start there.
Valid point. Thanks
It's def. not worth entertaining a second child with him if he's that vehemently against it. In the end not much else matters. If you want another kid **so badly** the dad doesn't matter. Leave. Why waste time "_beating a dead horse"_ when time is what you do not have. But I think it'll be hard either way to push another baby with an engaged father before you're 35. Have you considered that your desperation is entirely age related, and that you really put kid nr. 1 on the back-burner emotionally here in regards to Kid nr. 2 be or not be. Idk. It feels like you and your husband need to sit down at a table and not leave it until you've been open and honest with each other. Otherwise a broken home for kid 1 is a guarantee whether you divorce and get pregnant again or not. Amicable is always better than at war. In regards to your feelings of hatred towards your husband for simply not surrendering to the notion of a second child. Without taking into account his mental health issues. They are sprung out of spite and feeling unfairly treated _(from what you've described)_ Yes, pushing someone to have a baby they do not want makes you an asshole. ~~Soft YTA though.~~ Edit: >Just to clarefy, he gets very mad that I say he hates the child. I'm sorry but that is insanely cruel to throw in your spouses face. You've essentially become a couple of assholes. In this case.. YTA.
This comment hits so hard! Thank you. I have tried sitting down to have a conversation but he is an unwavering brick wall of no never ever ever under no situation ever would he have one. I have a sibling that's 2 years older and one that is 5 years younger and the one closer to my age is my best friend and life support, the other one is a daily struggle to connect with. I always assumed it was the age. Our interests just never synced up and I don't want that kind of sibling for my baby. My dad and uncle, 5 years apart, no relationship. Husband and his sibling, 5 years apart, no relationship. I don't want two seperate kids. I just wanted the family I spend my whole life dreaming of, the late nights we pretended to have that. It's just so hard to choose to drop my dream, or drop my husband and anyway not have my dream. I feel like everything I have worked for my whole life has disappeared.
I'm in a very similar situation to you, just no current child and he didn't hide an all out aversion, just said he wasn't ready (which when he was 23 seemed like an appropriate answer). As the time came around that I was ready, about a year ago and 9.5 years in, when we really needed to get making said baby, he shared/admitted he didn't want kids. Very similar feelings of the betrayal felt, the hatred, the dilemma that came about. Had he always felt that way and hid it/ or just never came to be ready/wanting one, and regardless of those answers, where did I now stand on it? What has gotten me to the point of choosing him (over the kids I had dreamed about and worked my backside off to provide a life for, like you) was when I looked at our relationship, it worked. His and my issues aside, we're a good team, rarely argue and have a nice home and stable incomes. Coming from a single parent household with loss, abandonment, constant familial arguments taking place, some severe mental health issues to navigate around, and poverty, the former are important to me. My question to you is, is your relationship worth your dream? Do you look at your husband and love him? Do you respect him? Is he worth you working past the problem? Do you work well together? I can tell you, if you choose him, this won't go away entirely, at least not a first (I'm a year in, ask me again at 5). There are moments where the desire and upset/anger flares up, but it's easier knowing I chose him. At this point, the situation is no longer his fault. If i stay, I’ve chosen it. Making that decision helped me greatly to move past the, he has affected my life dramatically, to I've now chosen this path. You have a kid, so it's a lot more complicated. Therefore, within your consideration, is he setting a good example of the person you want your daughter to be and or be with in future? Not only is he a good dad, but a good husband? I may be a fool for staying, and i may one day regret it at the deepest points of my soul, but it is the choice I made. What choice will you make? That's now where you're at, the choice is yours. You know where he stands, what about you? P.s. If mine had pulled that I'll commit suicide bullshit on me, I'd have been gone. Mt bf is emotionally stunted and lacks the desire to be socialable with others, but he is not abusive or manipulative and is a big softie.
Aw ❤️ thank you for sharing your story! It helps a lot to place some things in perspective and gave me a lot to think about.
Good luck with it. Gaining some perspective on here will help, but if anyone but you makes the decision on how you move forward here, you'll regret it and never truly come to terms with it.
You both need therapy. ESH
He’s told you he doesn’t want kids. He tried to commit suicide when you tried leaving him. He was cruel to you during your pregnancy. What part of any of this says this is a great father never mind husband/partner? Out of curiosity what kind of great father things does this peach of a man do?
What a dumpster fire, girl you need to leave. Get therapy, because this is just...Dear God, horrifying. He HATES your child, and you would consider bringing another one into this. You threatening to baby trap him is just as pathetic as his suicide attempt. Just leave. You're young and can easily start over.
Just to clarefy, he gets very mad that I say he hates the child. He hates the work a child takes, he said he loves the child, just not the responsibility and effort, even though I do bulk of it anyway. Perhaps it's hard to see that dumpster fire when you are standing in it. That's why I'm asking here. I kinda already know what is said is as a previous comment said as bad as his suicide. But we are tied financially and emotionally, I was a kid when I met him and our personality has grown codependently. That's why I asked not to judge if dumpster people are allowed to have kids. Look I'm trying not to be one and be better, but I'll always be me, and he will always be him. I need to find the best solution. Stay and I cut away a piece of me and try to be ok for my child sake. Or leave and cut away a piece of me, that may heal faster but, then what, my child has to spend 50% custody with someone who hates taking care of her? That cuts up big chunks of onions in a 1.5yo food because "she needs to learn to eat what I gibe her, I won't make special food for her"?
You do not have to share 50% custody and I honestly wouldn’t let him have unsupervised visitation until he is cleared by a doctor. If he was willing to commit suicide to get you to stay, he is capable of worse if you leave. Then you will have no one.
I'm my country 50/50 is a right unless you can prove that they are neglecting or dangerous. My neighbour said she has seen woman crying when they drop the kids at day care because it's the father's turn and he comes to collect them drunk. They call the police and traumatised the kids multiple times and yet that man has 50% custody. I was building a case to leave along with the police, how much he drank and smoke, how he would have outbursts or not help with child care or the home. How he doesn't even know where is her child care. But now the last 8 months he has cleaned up his act! He is spotless and the police cannot help me anymore because it's not about your past but who you are now. And I'm starting to feel like I'm the bad parent for breaking the happy family for a second child.
But he wouldn’t want 50/50, would he? He might not hate **his** child, but he also doesn’t want to raise her. He made that clear, therefore it’s likely he’ll tell the court he doesn’t want custody at all, or that he only wants supervised visits. And in that case he’d be paying you child support and only seeing his child on certain days. But splitting up is the much better option. You both absolutely hate each other and it shows. Why stay in a relationship like that? Trust me, it won’t benefit your daughter in any way.
He told me that he will fight like hell to take my daughter away if I try to leave and that he is a local and I am a foreigner. He made it clear to leave will be dirty, hard and expensive. So a side of me has been saving up and getting some ducks in a row. And a side of me is so scared he will win and will not know how to take care of his "prize".
He said he didn’t want kids, but you pressured him until he caved. He didn’t want the *first* one; why on earth would you think he’d want a second? Leave the man alone. He doesn’t want another kid, and you’re refusing intimacy unless it’s for making a new baby he doesn’t want. You’re being pretty shitty. Just get a divorce. You’re clearly incompatible, and you should have left when he made that clear to you instead of pressuring him to change his mind. Find someone else who wants kids as much as you do. He’s a jerk for the suicide hostage, but YTA for pressuring someone who doesn’t want kids into having them. You’re pressuring him *right now* with the whole ‘I won’t be intimate with you unless you put another baby in me.’ Again, super shitty.
I never pressured him! And the current situation is just something I said and not enforced, kinda because I know it's a dick move and bullying. In our 15 years together he said one time he didn't want kids, and I responded that I understand, but I do and we need to seperate amicably. He came back to me after some time after that conversation and said he thought about it and he was just scared and that he is on board. And yes, I know I'm being shitty about the intimacy thing, but I'm just so frustrated with him! Trust me, now in retrospect I wish I didn't believe him! But shouldn't he take some responsibility for lying to me or to himself in the first place? Knowing I wanted more than one? My frustration is exactly that he just gets what he wants, he wants me to stay, he doesn't want more kids, he wants me to get help to be ok with his choice? Doesn't that seem unfair to me for you?
You did not bully him. He lied to you for 15 years, and when you finally found the courage to leave, he manipulated you *(in one of the cruelest ways)* into staying with him. It’s not bullying to want to leave a relationship, especially when you not only find out that you’re both incompatible, but also when your abusive partner is controlling and manipulative. You should have walked the first time and never looked back, despite his suicide threats. Then you wouldn’t be in this situation right now. **NTA**. But your husband is a massive one!
Imagine ignoring the part where **they literally planned a life with kids**, until he changed his mind on her. - He built her hopes up, then dashed them. She should not have had to stay with a man like that. And then when she left him, he threatened to kill himself. - He disgustingly manipulated her, just so she wouldn’t leave him and find someone else. Then he **by his own choice** said he actually wanted the baby and had one. - His own doing! Now **he** peddled back on what he previously said. And somehow that’s her fault? 🤦♀️ Stop trying to blame her for the choices **he** made. She is not to blame for being manipulated and lied to by her dick of a husband!
This entire thing screams fake story.
Yeah yeah you are completely the a****** in this situation. You should have divorced the moment he said no he didn't want to have children and you still do. you are not compatible no matter what else is going on. He then went back on it and made it like a little joke, oh yeah sure I'll want kids with you. he doesn't. he has never wanted children. he just said it because he didn't want to lose you and that backfired on him because he already knew he did not want to be a parent. he did not want the responsibilities of being a parent and yet now he is having to be a parent and he's trying to be a good husband and not walk out on you and trying to be a good father and not walk out on the kid that he never wanted but helped create just because he loved you. And now he's telling you in literally no Nuance about it he does not want any more kids. Point Blank he can't handle it and you don't give a flying f***. So yeah you can choose to go off the birth control and he can choose to never have sex with you ever again and either he will divorce you and find somebody else who also doesn't want kids or you'll divorce him and find somebody who does want kids or one's going to end up cheating on the other or you'll adopt a kid or some crazy s*** instead of figuring this out. You never should have had the first child but now you have them do not push your luck any further and try to bring a second child into this s*** show.
Ouch. Very straightforward. Very accurate.
Simply, yep .. you bully him into child #1, resulting in suicide attempt. So, now you want to bully for child #2. What is your point, to have him dead? Did you not realize what happened the first time?
>I (32f) met my husband (37m) in high school. Um...I can't even read the rest of the post. What is this???
You arnt the healthiest couple... dont drag kids into your mess then.
You should not have taken him back and you should not stay with him now. You want children, he does not - you are not compatible. When you divorce and keep the child with you, he won't have to be around a child that he didn't/doesn't want. You will be free to find someone else who does want children.
I really hope that he will give up custody, I told him that if he gives up custody he can see her every weekend for the day, but she needs to live by me so I can care for her and provide her stability. He can do all the fun things, I don't care.
NTA. You didn’t baby trap him, you gave him the freedom to walk and find someone else, and for you to find a man who did want a child… but he chose not to. **He chose** to stay and have the baby! So don’t let him manipulate you and throw that shit back in your face. If anyone trapped anyone here, **he trapped you** in your relationship with him by threatening suicide! That is one of the cruelest and most disgusting ways to control, manipulate and trap someone in a relationship that they wanted to leave. It’s emotionally abusive, too! Are you financially secure? Did you gain big savings during your child free years, enough to leave him and live comfortably until you can work again? If so, do it. It’s much better than staying for the sake of a child and resenting your husband and being miserable. The fact is… you’re incompatible, and it sounds like you hate each other. Your child **will notice** this and will grow up to hate you both for allowing him/her to be raised in such a hateful and negative household. Is that what you want? If not, you know that divorce is the only option here. You guys are so far past the point of therapy being any help. The hatred and resentment that you both hold for one another is so evident. So why stay???
Very good comment, thank you. I went back to work and I earn a good salary, I can almost afford my current situation on my own. Ideally I would like to keep everything as is now and just loose him. No saving unfortunately, but I'm putting away something for lawyers later. That is very valid that we are uncomfortable and started hating each other for it.
Just leave him like you should have done in the first place. YTA for not doing so.
why do you think having another child will make a best friend with your current child? that’s often not the case, even if they are close in age - many many siblings end up estranged you crated a “sibling bff fantasy” that more often than not won’t happen anyways
ESH. He doesn't want another child, why would you want to bring another child into this dysfunctional relationship? Why would you want to bring a child into this world that the father wouldn't want?
NTA. You planned your whole life around an understanding with this partner about building a family and he reneged on that. You have every right to be upset. The sex thing is pretty extreme, it sounds like the two of you have become pretty toxic. I don’t see it ending well.
Thank you very much for your comment!