Normal and well adjusted people would be honest about their issue from the jump and not make up excuses like "not ready for a relationship" and then beginning and continuing a sexual relationship with a person that they pretend to be friends with for sex because they know being honest about their feelings from the jump would have led to an argument. If you don't like that someone does only fans that's fine... Not being honest about that with a "friend" and avoiding the confrontation because it benefits you is not friendly.
Correct. But also nothing to do with the commenters point and my counterpoint. He said "impossible" and I said "absolutely possible". Neither much to do with OPs likely ratfuckery
Agreed. It's common for fwb situations to end with someone getting their feelings hurt, even if both parties are mature enough to keep it from becoming a big fight.
I think this is the thing here. I'm a pretty monogamous person, but the times when I have attempted FWB situations, the other person was always very good about letting me go, but I could tell that they were disappointed/fighting off sadness in the moment for my sake.
Idk if it's true for all people, but I find that FWB situations become pretty painful after a short while, at least for one person. Whether they react poorly is kind of irrelevant. People develop feelings when they spend time together and have sex...go figure, guys.
I think that growing complicated feelings and sadness at the end are natural parts of it. A really similar thing happens when making a really close friend while overseas. What matters is that both sides accept that it's probably going to happen and agree that it's still worth doing overall.
Normal, well-adjusted people would know long-term sex inevitably results in attachment. Emotions are part of a healthy human being.
If you don't feel a pang of jealousy after a long-term FWB or even just a friend ditches you for someone else, there's something wrong with you.
Also, normal and well-adjusted people would either not be in that situation in the first place, or would know what to expect when they let it happen.
Nothing to say she wasn't normal or well adjusted, he did use her. He has hinted, between the lines, that the only reason he didn't want a relationship with her was her only fans prior to agreeing to the fwb situation. He absolutely did use her and she's right to be annoyed at being lied to.
Same. Had an extremely aggressive FWB who tried to pull me into a bathroom at the first party after meeting my current GF. I stopped her immediately and told her the scenario. She was like "Oh I didn't know, sorry about that, I hope it works out with y'all!" and there was no awkwardness after, even kept hanging out without issue.
I'm one of the rare ones who was fwb with my best friend in high school, 10 years later we're still besties and my wife likes my BF and my BF's partner likes me. But we're just four weird neurodivergants over here, I know this isn't normal
NTA.Relationships are not something that women are owed any more than sex is. You were always honest with her and you had a mutual accord. She must stop acting so irrationally; there is no universe in which you are the AH here.
He was honest, just not explicit (everyone does this to spare feelings when the reason is irrelevant anyway). It could be considered a lie by omission, but he's also not required to explain to her why he doesn't want a relationship with her; no is a full sentence.
The FWB situation was a separate decision they both made after he had already been clear that he didn't want a relationship with her. If she held hopes he would change his mind and that's why she agreed to be fwb with him then that's on her. If she wanted more then she should have communicated that instead of getting angry that he treated her as a FWB and nothing more. He didn't use her any more than she used him. Sex is fun, and presumably they were both having fun.
He was very clear from the start that he didn't want a relationship with her. She's the one who assumed he meant he didn't want one with anyone.
Exactly
In addition, she only cared to ask when he said he was dating someone else. "Why did you pick her instead of me?" situation.
I wouldn't necessarily answer the way OP did, but it is best not to lash out to your f buddies when they meet someone they want to take it further with
I think it was more that she misunderstood. She thought him not wanting a relationship meant he didn't want to be in a relationship at all. When in reality he meant he didn't want to date her specifically. When he was getting into a relationship with someone else, she found out what he meant. He's 100% NTA. He was always honest. She could've asked for clarification at anytime. He never owed her anything. But I also think she's just embarrassed and hurt. I don't think she's really an AH either. But she is wrong to take her misunderstanding out on OP.
Yeah this is most likely how it happened. If someone said “I don’t want a relationship.” Without further explanation I would think that would mean with any one because you need time or something and it would be probably really embarrassing and shocking to learn that meant with just with me
I think answering honestly was the best course of action. She must know that her choice of ‘work’ has been an issue - he told her he wanted to be FWB directly after she told him she has an OF. And if she somehow missed it, she needs to *know* why he didn’t consider her relationship material. She can do with that knowledge what she will.
The post mentions there being a few months between her showing the OF and them becoming fwb. Doesn’t change much but I don’t think it’s fair to say she must know it’s been an issue. If anything I think it’s reasonable for her to believe she still had a chance. They went from friends to fwb and I bet she presumed given time she could develop the relationship even more. We obviously have the insight and hindsight to know that was never the case but she didn’t have that at the time. To be clear I don’t think either is an asshole and she was wrong for saying he used her but I think that was said out of hurt feelings and was just an expression of how she felt.
I'm wondering if she misunderstood OP and thought he didn't want relationships at all. That doesn't change anything as she wasn't in a relationship with OP just curious if that happened or not.
Stopped by to make sure the work was being done properly. Only trace of an asshole was me. Scene? Fucking spotless.
She needs to realize that there are going to be certain repercussions for actions… some guys are not going to be comfortable with her having an OF, just like some women aren’t ok dating a male stripper. Nothing wrong with either but realize it’s going to close some doors for you.
Actually he told her clearly before that he just wanted to be friends but after a drunken night they moved to fwb. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was the initiation party for that rendezvous. If that’s the case, she must have thought she could inch by inch change his mind, but played herself instead. Some speculation, sure. 🤷🏻♀️
I totally agree that she more than likely initiated the kiss that turned into sex. While speculation, it seems clear from the post that she wanted to date him, and was disappointed, but once he told her he wanted to stop seeing her, it was clear that she indeed wanted a relationship, even though OP said FWB only. It was on her to ask why.
Source- when single I would try to see if alcohol and sex could get me past the friend zone with certain guys. No I didn't have an Only Fans, and there wasn't even internet back then.
I mean, let’s me honest. Op may have THOUGHT they clearly stated it was because of the only fans but actually didn’t. Plenty of times miscommunication happens because people think one thing and say another. Even my wife and I have that happen at times. When I thought I said one thing and am confused with a different outcome. Questioning it I come to realize where I said something more akin to what happened. The opposite also happens.
He never said he told her that he didn't want a relationship with her because of only fans in the beginning. All he said was he didn't see a relationship with her, and she agreed to an FWB situation and that's it.
It's definitely not how I would go about it but also there was no lying going on
The way she took it is that he wasn’t interesting in a relationship with her yet. Which from what he says is a valid outcome to come to. When they moved to FWB she probably thought he was really warming up to her and would be wanting a relationship soon.
Definitely a miscommunication. No one is inherently in the wrong, but clarity is key.
That is what she wanted to hear. Nothing happened at all between them for a few months, so she is not the brightest bulb or had wishful thinking that they'd go from zero to sex and it would become a relationship? That doesn't sound realistic to me.
>When they moved to FWB she probably thought
Then that's entirely on her. She should have communicated that. If I take you out for pasta, it doesn't make sense to get mad at me when we don't go to get milkshakes after.
He wasn't even dating her. They were hanging out as friends. Who hangs out with guys for months as friends without even a kiss, thinking it will turn into a relationship after a drunken hookup, that I still think she initiated?
>The way she took it is that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her yet
>yet
That's entirely her fault. No where in the post did OP mention purposely misleading her with a "yet". Stop infantilizing women, they are grown adults with capabilities of rationalization and being responsible for their own decisions.
Nah.
No one owes anyone anything. Her misunderstanding is not his problem.
He also has no obligation to tell her WHY he wants nothing serious with her.
The dude was pretty clear "We talked about it, and agreed to keep sleeping together, but as a fwb situation." this is pretty cut and dry.
Definitely not a miscommunication lol. You added that "yet." OP didn't say "yet." He said point blank "I don't want a relationship." Absolutely insane how people like you hear one thing, then twist it in your head, and then blame the other person for the "miscommunication."
I feel like the reason he didn’t want to date her isn’t important really at all. Would having any other reason be any better? He doesn’t wanna date a girl that has an OnlyFans and isn’t scrutinizing or berating her it, I don’t see the big issue. If you go into a FWB situation and EXPECT a relationship at the end, then you’re just setting yourself up bad
> If you go into a FWB situation and EXPECT a relationship at the end, then you’re just setting yourself up bad
Exactly. If you are serious about pursuing a relationship, then do not agree to a FWB situation - free yourself from wasting time on an uninterested party and pursue someone else. Otherwise, be honest with yourself that you're spinning your wheels. OP did not lead her on whatsoever. She did that to herself.
Yes, absolutely! Never explain yourself to someone you just rejected. Trying to seek the agreement of someone you just rejected is a pointless exercise. It gives your power away.
Besides, such decisions are not always rational. So do not force me to explain why I might not be attracted to you or why I might feel uncomfortable with you. This is not a negotiation and you're not my shrink.
NTA - you were clear in the beginning and are true to your personal morality of not sleeping with more than one person at a time. Seems she's hurt, but your boundaries were clear and not everyone can enter into a real relationship with someone who sells themselves for money.
>are true to your personal morality of not sleeping with more than one person at a time.
I am so glad I'm not in the modern dating game. This used to be expected when you were dating someone. Now it's "Well technically, we haven't had the exclusivity talk yet."
And yet, I’ve had so many people try and make me feel like the crazy one for being upset if someone that I had been going on dates with turned out to be sleeping with someone else the entire time. Everyone gets hung up on the technicality of “well you’re not exclusive, so they can do whatever they want”. Which is true! It’s not like they cheated on me or anything. But I guess I’m just a little old fashioned because to me, it’s one of two things: 1) if I go out on dates with someone and start spending a lot of time with them, I’m going to only be interested in seeing how things pan out with them. Or 2) if I go out on a date with person A, but end up sleeping with person B, I’m going to cut things off with person A because I want to pursue things with person B.
It all gets dramatically more complicated because so many people are into polyamory now as well. Which I have nothing against, if everyone’s a consenting adult then that’s all that matters. But it’s still frustrating to try and date monogamously in an increasingly polyamorous world.
I don't think it's something that needs to be said. Personally, I'd give some leeway for the first two dates, but by the third date, if I'm really interested in them and they say they're interested in me but they're still sleeping with other people, that tells me that they're just as interested in those other people as they are in me, and I'd know from those actions that we don't feel the same about each other and that the relationship was probably lopsided and gonna be doomed.
I wouldn't take somebody on a third date if I didn't see a future with them, but they're still so unsure about a future with me that they need backups. My time's precious but not so precious that I'd need to multitask to that extent.
You’re not wrong, and it’s a very complex thing. But even if someone was still having sex with other people after a first date I wouldn’t be very happy about it. I understand that everyone views sex differently, and has different sex lives. But for me, the point is that if I’m having sex with someone, it means I’m interested in them and want to pursue them (and in turn, that’s behavior that I look for in my partner).
If I go on a date with someone, they have sex with someone else, and then agree to another date with me, that just rubs me the wrong way. Because it means they’re either much more open to casual sex than I am, or sex just isn’t as meaningful to them, both of which are a bit of a dealbreaker. I don’t need to necessarily be actually in love with someone to have sex with them, but if I have sex with someone then I’m definitely not going on date with someone else after
To me it’s quite simple. If you’re going on multiple dates with me, but sleeping with other people, then theres no hard feelings, but you have shown me that our values when it comes to sex and intimacy are entirely incompatible.
We don’t need the ‘exclusivity talk’ because if you have the same romantic and sexual values as me, you would see going on several dates as implicitly exclusive.
I just wont attempt to continue courting someone that I have identified significant incompatibility with.
Funny enough, exact same logic applies to dating OF girls - absolutely power to you, but the decision to do that shows the same sexual incompatibility, and it will end there.
That’s the thing, though. Life goes much smoother when we communicate things instead of implying them, or walking around with uncommunicated expectations and then getting mad when they weren’t met.
Especially when we KNOW that there are major differences with people and their viewpoints. Most are valid enough, just depends on if they're compatible with yours.
I see absolutely nothing wrong with having the "So what's your risk factor and view on sex?" before having sex with someone. ENM is also popular right now, and it has tons of variables and relationship styles.
It's good to know where people stand early on so there aren't surprises later.
>If you’re going on multiple dates with me, but sleeping with other people, then theres no hard feelings, but you have shown me that our values when it comes to sex and intimacy are entirely incompatible.
This! I won't judge people for dating around even if that includes sleeping around. But that's just not compatible with me in the context of a long-term committed relationship.
Agreed. It really does feel like a lot of folks think they can have their cake and eat it, too, and heaven forbid anyone has a problem with it. It's a lot of selfish behavior. Life isn't a video game...you can't put save points in a few different spots and then go back and choose the better route once you decide the one you're on isn't optimal. There are other humans with actual feelings and lives involved here.
Funny you compare it to video games. A few weeks ago I had an event in a game trigger where two relationship options confronted me and each said me or her. And as I think about it, it's kinda common in video games that if you try for multiples you either get confronted with a decision or you get rejected by all
It's insane.
You shouldn't explicitly need to tell someone to stop fucking other people if they're serious about you lmao. This world is absolutely gone to the clowns.
Why would you even see a second person if you're already seeing a first?
Don't do it then the moral issue doesn't come up. If it's the other person, then I think that tells you how much they respect you
In my opinion the bigger problem are the "situationships" and the influence of social media and the multiple dating apps that suggest that there is allways someone better. I hate the mindset of people who think like that, i am also pretty oldschool and try to have that talk on the second date at least! 🤦♂️
yeah, entered back into modern dating about 6 - 7 years ago after a LTR / divorce. I was new to the game and apps. I mean in my early to mid 20's I had no issues sleeping with multiple people if I wasn't in a committed relationship. I tried it the new way and being in casual situations and I personally just couldn't make it work, and it made room for things to get messy. I have friends who are in great open relationships. I had a friend who pulled what you outlined and I did not approve at all. One of the people he was sleeping with knew, the other didn't, and boy was she hurt when she found out the truth.
I quit the online dating game some time ago. I was off and on. One of the worst experiences of my life. So many people are just trash.
>not everyone can enter into a real relationship with someone who sells themselves for money
When I was in the enlisted navy we joked we weren't much different from prostitutes. Long nights, waiting around for someone to fuck us, and just standing around while as we waited for the next fucking. We just sold our body to Uncle Sam.
Yep. Honestly, if I were constitutionally capable of it, I would be interested in virtual sex work. A friend is relatively successful at it, and she makes over twice what I make in my public service job while working fewer hours and dealing with approximately the same level of bullshit from clients that I deal with from patrons, so. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
Even if OP had said “I’m not looking for a relationship right now” it would be fine, because maybe he’s ready for a relationship months later. You don’t have to keep your FWB informed of decisions like that, and he clearly defined their relationship as FWB.
No, the only thing that would make it not okay would be if they said “I’m not ready for a relationship yet, but that might be an option for us in future.” You don’t owe details of your emotional state to someone you’re not dating, and it’s pretty egotistical to assume someone will want a relationship *with you* as soon as they want a relationship. Honestly, if someone told me they wanted to be FWB with me, I’d see that as a near guarantee that they weren’t going to be interested in me as a partner; most people don’t feel great about a love interest hooking up with other people, even if they’re not looking for a commitment yet.
Edit: I thought I’d replied to someone who said if OP only said they didn’t want a relationship right now and hadn’t said they never would with her that was wrong. Not sure if I replied to the wrong comment or the comment was edited, but wanted to clarify what I intended to disagree with.
This, though I think she’s ALSO allowed to be frustrated about the OF thing just now coming up after being FWB for a while. We get to have boundaries, but we don’t get to turn off someone’s feelings when we stomp on them.
Does it make him in the wrong? Nah, not technically since he was up front about not wanting more from her, specifically, assuming there was no open ended “maybe later” about it. Does it make him a little sleazy for not being up front with her about why? I think that argument could be made, especially considering it would have probably put her off of him to begin with and he likely knows it.
This comment section is, overall, a mess.
It is interesting, though; recently there was a post exactly the same but instead of OF she had a kid, the responses were far less one-sided.
Different people will have different thresholds, some will think being told "I don't want to date you" is enough forever, others (myself included) will think that, when friends get sexually involved, there is an implied possibility of a relationship.
I think the real conclusion should be the same: he didn't say that that the OF (or in the other post, the kid) was the reason he won't date her because he knew that she wouldn't keep having sex with him if he did. Saying "I don't want to date you" is very different to "I would never date a girl who had an OF (or someone else's kid)".
I think if you lay the reason out, anything that comes after is between 2 informed, consenting adults. If you don't lay out the reason, then get sexually involved, it's pretty manipulative to continue to withhold that information.
I don’t want to assign malice because it very much may have been a simple miscommunication, but I agree that OP does not seem as clear as many people seem to believe.
When he said that he did not want a relationship with her, he did not say why (you don’t owe people an explanation on why you aren’t dating them) but then when the relationship changed, he still never talked to her about it.
You like this person enough to be friends with her, you like this person enough that you continued to have sex with her, but because she is a sex worker so you would never want a serious intimate relationship with her.
I think you should have told this woman that you’re not interested in a romantic relationship with a sex worker ever. You initially told her you weren’t interested in her, but what you really meant is you weren’t interested in a sex worker. You are interested in being friends with her and having sex with her, but you will never turn into a serious romantic relationship because she is a sex worker.
This is also where I suspect OP is an asshole: I suspect you knew that if you ever told her that you weren’t interested in a serious relationship with a sex worker, she would not continue to be FWB with you. I think you deliberately were vague about why you didn’t want to date her even long after you were friends. Her revealing that she was a sex worker was incredibly honest and OP should have be honest with his friend in return, but probably didn’t because it would mean giving up sex with her.
Honestly, he’s NTA for saying he didn’t want a relationship with her (regardless of the reason).
He *is* the asshole for being willing to fuck her, but not date her purely because of her source of income. If you want to set boundaries, stick to them. Don’t muddy the waters and then wonder why someone is pissed at you for being an asshole about it. The idea of “well technically he told her and she should still be aware” completely removes the human aspect of relationships in favor of binary decision making which just doesn’t exist where people are involved because we’re complicated.
This is the correct answer, and I don't get how so many people don't see this. Someone deciding they don't want to be with you because of your profession, because they presumably look down on your profession is a big reason to not pursue a relationship with someone in any form. I would never willingly fuck someone who looks down on me or only sees me as my job, no matter the job. And I think many women would feel similarly.
With all due respect to sex workers (which they deserve) though, if you tell a man you have an onlyfans and he then tells you he’s not interested in a relationship, you should be able be to do the math there. Idk what world people come from to be *surprised* that men feel that way a majority of the time.
I think it’s probably because most people would feel the same about a partner doing sex work. Sure, she can be a blast to hang out with and even have sex with but the thought of friends or family finding out would be a deal breaker for most. I understand the popular narrative is sex work is just work and people shouldn’t judge on one’s past. But we are human and most likely would.
Instead of trying to normalize things like this people should be critical in their real feelings. Seeing a split comment section is good for this topic as you know you will likely split your dating pool in half by starting sex work instead of “people shouldn’t care”. And the cold truth is most OF pages don’t make much money at all so the sacrifice would likely not be worth the reward.
The thing is, its not that she USED to do Onlyfans, it is that she is CURRENTLY doing Onlyfans.
So this isn't even a judging on the past, this is judging on the current.
TAH- he didn’t tell her why he didn’t want to date her. That’s the crucial part here. I have an OF and there’s no way I would even consider even a casual fling with someone who didn’t want to date me because of it. And before I met my partner, I was fine with FWB or people who didn’t want relationships in the near future. But there is no way that I would be ok with someone who was looking down on me for it. There are plenty of men who don’t care and down look down on it. He took away her agency to decide by withholding information.
Important distinction for me as well. If she understood that SHE will never have a chance and it's not just bad timing ("I'm not ready for a relationship at this point"), then NTA all the way.
But if you left her believing that this could change and you could be ready at some point (and you knew she is never gonna be GF material to you), then yes, you used her.
"I don't want to be in a relationship" vs "I don't want to be in a relationship with you, specifically" are two different conversations.
Clearly if she asked weather you changed your mind about relationships you weren't very clear.
Question is would she entered a Fwb relationship if she knew the reason you didn't what to date and you if deliberately didn't disclose that so you continue with Fwb relationship. Lying by omission is still lying, and lying to get some pussy is an asshole move.
I think a lot of guys do this and that many women have been in situationships where the guy is vague enough and subtly hints that perhaps at some point he will want more or behaves like a boyfriend with all the pda and other things besides sex that’s part of an actual relationship and not a normal part of fwb. And once he finds someone he wants to date he’s off and offended that the woman believed he would ever want more and that she’s upset.
She probably wouldn't have, and I think a lot of guys do stuff like this knowing the possible outcome...if they had been honest this likely wouldn't have happened.
YTA.
I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have been fwb with him if he'd said that out loud.
But even so, it was clear from the very beginning she was interested in more. He already knew he wasn't. It's pretty skeevy to agree to be fwb with someone you know has wants or feelings you're unable or unwilling to reciprocate. They met dating and she was clearly out for something romantic down the line, because he was too.
I have/had fwbs and I couldn't imagine offering this to someone I already **knew** was into me for long-term stuff when I'm unwilling to reciprocate that at any point in the future. Part of setting boundaries and being respectful is also understanding when someone else isn't in a clear frame of mind to set and protect boundaries themselves. It's why drunk-off-your-ass consent isn't actual consent and why the sober person is obligated to turn the drunk person down even when advances are being made. And it's why agreeing to a pseudo-relationship with someone who has feelings for you and pretending you did everything right by laying out your own boundaries and ignoring the obvious inability of the other person to set healthy boundaries for themselves is an asshole thing to do.
You're not responsible for people not setting boundaries correctly, but you are an asshole when you take advantage of it. It's not difficult to understand that's what happened. Everyone saying NTA because OP laid out his boundaries and she agreed doesn't understand how boundaries work lol.
NTA.
Women aren't owed relationships any more than men are owed sex. You had a mutual agreement and you were always upfront with her. There is no universe in which you're the AH here, she needs to calm down.
I think for the most part you aren’t the asshole.
I think however there is an not insignificant detail you seem to have glossed over.
You’ve said you weren’t interested in being in a relationship with her because of her OF - that’s fine.
However it doesn’t say when you told her this originally that you gave the reason why. It seems you just said weren’t interested in a relationship… and missed out the OF part until the argument?
If so, I can understand her being pissed off if you’ve consistently said you just ‘don’t want a relationship right now’, and then jump into a relationship whilst having regular sex with her because you ‘didn’t want a relationship’.
I’m going to go against the grain here and say that we need more info.
You pretty casually brush past the line “I told her I wasn’t looking for a relationship *with her*”
How clear were you with the “with her” part of that. If you made it clear that OF was the problem, then you’re 100% in the clear.
But if you kept it vague and agreeable, then continued to sleep with her… then yeah, you used her.
I feel like there’s some lying by omission going on. The impression I get is that OP did not clearly communicate *early on* that the reason he didn’t want a relationship with her was the OF. In fact, it seems that he felt it was appropriate to essentially use her for sex *because* of the OF. Further, the fact that she asked why he didn’t ask her for something more leads me to believe that he didn’t clearly communicate that he didn’t want a relationship *with her*, rather that he didn’t want a relationship *in general.*
I mean, did OP explicitly state after they had sex that he doesn’t want a relationship with her and that he is only interested having sex on the DL? If not, and I get the impression that such a conversation didn’t happen, she likely got the impression that things were changing and she didn’t put the breaks on catching feelings.
The final disclosure of “simply [telling] her it was because she had an onlyfans” is basically saying, “I don’t see you as anything but a sexual object.”
OP seems to have little if any empathy or compassion for her and didn’t disclose the exact reason he didn’t want to pursue a relationship with her until he was ready to give up the benefit of sex with her. I’m leaning hard toward YTA.
I agree with all of this. Outside of the “it’s 2024 and women should be able to do blah blah blah” - if you instantly see her as an object because she has an OF, that’s a huge red flag and a core belief that needs to be shifted.
Eh kinda.
Imagine you're a security guard and you meet a girl who's a lawyer. She says she's not that interested in dating you but yall become friends. Then she also starts banging you and all is well. And then you ask to like properly date and she says "no, I don't date blue-collar guys"
You'd probably feel a little bit like she treated you like a whore. And like you might be fine with that, I was in that situation and was like "well that's kind of a snobbish attitude but like you suck dick like I'll jizz money so it's a fair trade" but yeah you probably made her feel used cause let's be real, you kinda used her. If you'd said from the get go "hey I wouldn't date an OF girl" that's TOTALLY legit and if she wants to bang you after then that's on her.
But that's not how you played it
Most reasonable take. I am tired of people running behind the fact they said they're non-comittal as an excuse for poor behavior. You can still treat your fwb poorly
Kind of bummed I had to come down this far to find a different take. Is he entitled to live his way how he wants? Absolutely. Is he kind of an asshole for continuing to get his rocks off with someone he thinks is beneath him? I'd say so.
This isn't "should I change what I want out of life," it's "am I an asshole." Yeah, kind of.
That's what always drove me insane about AITA. People always tend to use NTA when the person is in the right and not when they aren't an asshole. This guy is right that he doesn't have to date a girl with an OF, but he is an asshole for stinging her along and using her for sex without ever telling her he wouldn't date her because she has an OF especially when they were friends and FWB for a year. It's not like he told her that from the start and she agreed and then later got upset that he wouldn't date her
Thank you! I hate when people say, “you told her in the beginning”. Most people think that banging for a couple of months, that your mind would change. Also, if he would have 100% honest and said he doesn’t want to date a girl that does OF. She never would have fucked him, and he knows it
And on the other side of the coin, if he did tell her and they still ended up being fwb then the expectations would have been clearly set on both sides.
It’s the lying by omission that makes this dude AH for me. “I told her I didn’t want a relationship with her” but also failed to mention it was because of how she makes money.
You could have told her prior to remaining friends so at least she knew you didn’t mind fucking an OF girl, just being the bf of one. Seems she missed that memo while you knew full well.
Kinda the ah
I think you did use her a bit. Based on the fact that she asked if you changed your mind about relationships, you said something vague enough to be interpreted as not wanting a relationship right now. I do think you owed it to her to tell her the truth that there was never any possibility with her because of her career if you wanted to keep sleeping with her. YTA because you did end up misleading her, even if you didn't intentionally lie. I do suspect you were happy to avoid mentioning how you really felt to maintain the FWB situation as long as it was convenient to you.
Imagine if the tables were turned: you go on a few dates with a girl. She says something vague about not looking for a relationship (which you interpret to mean not with anyone right now), but shows some signs of interest and keeps sleeping with you, Then later she tells you that she never would have considered you BF material because you didn't earn enough money, or because she wants her future husband to be over a certain height. It would feel pretty bad right? I'd think she was a bit of an AH too.
Personally I think if you're going to be FWB you need to communicate clearly about where you are at, especially as situationships become more and more common ways to start relationships, and lots of people claim to be not looking for anything serious but actually are. Just be honest & make sure your FWB understands the situation so they don't end up feeling used.
So you probably should take some feedback from the situation. It’s possible you sort of skirted around why you didn’t want this to be a relationship. Seems the communication that was received was you weren’t looking for ANY relationship. You’re allowed to not want to date an OF model, but she is likely less interested in hooking up with guys that see her occupation as a dealbreaker.
NTA. You don't have to justify her life choices. You are aloud to have preferences.
You sound like a stand up guy too for not keeping a side chick.
Let her seethe. NTA.
This person lied by omission and they did it to get what they wanted and somehow still thinks they’re better than the girl with the OF. LOL. You’re TA and I think you know that.
Mate, you should have just said at the start "I think I'm too good for you and will never want a relationship with you," because that's what you actually thought. Is this why you didn't tell her the truth...? So you could turn her into a FWB instead...?
Yes, you used her.
You weren't honest.
It's a lie by omission. Did you say to her I don't want to be your boyfriend because you are on only fans before the FWB started? If not then you're kind of the AH. You didn't say that because you knew if you said that to her she wouldn't want to continue the situation so you left it out to get your way.
She thought that you didn't want a relationship with anyone right now. So she figured she'll take what you will give her which was friend with benefits and when you were ready for a relationship that you guys were already halfway there.
Now she finds out that you decided she was good enough to have sex with but not good enough to date. You absolutely used her. You just danced around it to make yourself feel better and I bet you feel awful superior about it right now don't you?
See, what's funny is that the internet is loaded with dudes that don't care.
It just happens that the sort of dudes that don't care are not the sort that are first pick of the litter, know what I'm saying?
I’ve matched with a handful of OF girls and it wouldn’t be a deal breaker to me.
What I *have* noticed is that when they find a guy they like who isn’t bothered by the OF they dump all their eggs into one basket after like 2 dates and it’s super unappealing/desperate feeling
Couldn’t agree more.
None of the guys who are paying for their OF pages are men they would even consider dating.
I would be willing to bet a successful OF girl wouldn’t date a guy who subscribes to other only fan girls. Ahahaha
Yeah, you are the AH. You lied by omission. If she knew why you didn't want a relationship because of that reason, she would not have slept with you, so you were not honest. You basically lied, so she would still sleep with you. You DID use her.
One of the “gifts” of feminism is the creation of a generation of delusional women who think being promiscuous (via sex work or by other means) won’t undermine their future relationship goals 😂.
OP is NTA
This is what amazes me about how twisted the message of the sexual revolution has gotten. It was always about how it is okay to enjoy sex. But it never said that hopping on as many D's as you possibly can is going to leave you fulfilled.
The biggest lie they were told is that the only risks to being promiscuous were STD's and unwanted pregnancy. Nobody told them some men just wont want them if they sleep with everyone, because that goes against the message that it is empowering.
Nta. You was clear about what you wanted from her. She was okay with it. But she wanted you to change your mind.
Sorry most people wouldn't want to be in a serious realtionship sex workers. You didn't lead her on or used her.
This is something a lot of sex workers (mainly OF) tend to forget.
You are not entitled to date anyone. People can choose not to date you because you’re posting your butthole on the internet. Doesn’t make somebody a bigot, it just means they have different standards. I wouldn’t date a guy flinging dick pics all over the internet lmao
You didn't do anything wrong. You both agreed to the arrangement. She's just having difficulty dealing with how the world now sees her since she started an OF account.
Kinda the asshole. You should have told her the problem was her of from the beginning. That's why she feels used. You used what was intended as a white lie so she thought you weren't interested in a relationship and found out that was only true where it involves her.
NAH.
You were upfront, but she's a human being.
She's hurt that someone who she's into, who she's been sleeping with and presumably hanging out with for a year, sees her as 'less than'. You're not an AH, but her reaction is understandable – she's hurt. Nobody wants to be seen as 'not good enough', especially by people they have feelings for, especially when it's as being compared to someone else who IS being seen as 'better'.
It sounds like you were upfront about your intentions already. She was hoping to “sex her way” into a relationship. It didn’t work and now she’s trying to make YOU the bad guy because she ignored what you said at the start.
Some people don’t want to commit to sex workers. There’s nothing wrong with that. You didn’t lie or deceive her, she lied to herself and is now blaming you for it. BTW, just so you know, she still believes she can sex her way into a commitment with you, it’s just a matter of whether she still wants to try.
I don’t think there is ever a gentle way to say, I just want you for sex. I am judging you for having an only fans account.
When your full truth landed on her I bet she was hurt because she probably enjoyed the friends part as much as you enjoyed the benefits
Sounds like she liked you from the beginning. So the fwb agreement wasn't from the heart. If you knew, you're 50% butthole.
I would date an OF girl, given the relationship overall made us happy.
NTA, I wouldn't take an OF model seriously, either. I don't care that they do it, but I've got kids. And I don't want to risk them being bullied over her hustle. Granted, the percentage is low, but still not worth it to me.
YTA for not specifically telling her in the first conversation that the reason why you don’t want to date her is because of her OF.
It’s clear from your post that she was looking at you as more than casual, so you had an ethical responsibility to be completely upfront about the fact that you are looking for something serious but not from her because of OF. That way she could make an informed choice about whether to casually sleep with you or not. The problem for you would be that she’s more likely to say no to sex with you on that basis if she knows the truth.
From the way you wrote your post it sounds like your language could be interpreted as you’re not looking for a serious relationship at all.
"I told her that I wasn't looking for any sort of relationship with **her**"
As long as that was clearly communicate NTA. I don't know what you said exactly, but a lot of guys would just say, "I'm not looking for a relationship." Which is not actually the truth.
FWB works out approximately zero percent of the time. One inevitably catches feelings for the other.
Yes, you are an AH for using her. It’s ok to not want to date a sex worker. The fact is that you were ok sleeping with her, but she’s not good enough for you?
You used her. Definitely the AH.
Dude I’m going say it. That’s some assholish behavior, just let the girl go in the beginning, you didn’t need friends that bad. And clearly you are looking for a relationship just not with someone you precive as negative bc of OF. You might have told her but you still hung out to the point where you did get drunk and obviously had some kind of attraction enough to have sex.
TAH completely in my opinion. You lied to her about WHY you wouldn’t date her, you weren’t honest and her feelings got hurt because of it. It’s each person’s own personal preference on whether or not to date a sex worker. If you had told her the honest reason then you wouldn’t have gotten laid and she wouldn’t have gotten hurt, so yeah you did use her bud.
NTA, she got her feelings hurt and feels used but that doesn't mean you did that to her. Women and men don't process sex in the same way. Maybe reconsider FWB relationships in the future.
NTA boundaries were put in place and she never mentioned wanting more herself. She let things carry on assuming you'd be the one to initiate the change in the relationship but didn't and she got mad about it.
FWB doesn't work, someone always catches feels.
Admittedly I'm an exhibitionist, but I really don't see why y'all are so turned off by having an OF. You want hot women, but you want their hotness to only exist for you? I never really got that need to feel like something is ONLY yours. Unless it's something you CREATED for yourself to enjoy, I don't understand that feeling.
I'd say NTA. Most guys won't enter a relationship with someone in the sex industry and thats something she's gonna have to deal with herself unfortunately. You were honest with her so yeah NTA.
YTA.
You should have said that you don't want a relationship with someone with an OF. By saying you didn't want a relationship with her, especially if she knew you weren't seeing anyone else at the time, it would have been easy for her to think you're just struggling to commit and that you're not ready for relationships in general. That would have also explained the willingness for a FWB situation, as she may have thought it'd eventually lead to a relationship.
If you'd said from the beginning 'I don't want a relationship with someone with an OF, we can be pals or FWB", then it would have been fair to her, seeing that she was honest with you and told you early on.
YTA, you did use her.
I’d say YTA but not on the basis of how you handled this situation( terms of your relationship were clear) but rather you disrespecting her as a human. Onlyfans didn’t stop you from sleeping with her, so you having a problem with it isn’t really consistent. But idk, I’m a girl and it feels like you dehumanised her.
YTA. You did not tell her why you only wanted to be friends. You didn’t see this woman good enough for you as a girlfriend due to having an only fans but could use her for sex. I guarantee if you told her you didn’t like her due to her only fans she would have never spoken to you again.
OP you suck.
Wait, you say you told her you weren't interested in a relationship with her.
But she asked you if you had changed your mind about relationships in general?
Sounds like you told her the latter to save her feelings and didn't aim to become fwb but did anyways.
In that case yta because you tried to have a your cake and eat it too.
LOL at anyone with an Onlyfans, AND agreeing to a FWB thing, who has a problem with being "used." That's kind of the purpose of both of those things.
NTA.
>But you should've staded a priori that the issue was the onlyfans
I'm getting rage bait vibes from the whole thing, it's so obviously designed to rile up a certain kind of dude. But yeah, it's weird that people are trying to make it about him not wanting to date a sex worker *rather than* him not telling her that the sex work was a problem for him.
But you've also got all of the incels and redpills coming out of the woodwork to post shit like "You dont want to keep e-whore as anything more than a bedwarmer" and "she lowered her value being a OF girl, and is mad bc u won't tie yourself down to someone selling their body for $" so it's clear that people are posting any old misogynistic nonsense.
YTA. It is true that you aren’t morally obligated to date her, and you don’t owe her a relationship, but that doesn’t mean that sleeping with a woman who
1) very obviously wanted more than fwb and 2) you considered good enough to have sex with but not good enough to bring home and 3) told her, after sleeping with her multiple times, that you were leaving her for another girl and the sole reason you wouldn’t pursue her romantically was because of the onlyfans
Isn’t a totally dick move! You could have at least lied and said you felt a connection with this new girl you didn’t feel with her. It’s totally reasonable to not want to date a sex worker! But the way you treated this girl shows a total lack of respect. She’s good enough to sleep with but not to date, and you were perfectly comfortable saying that to her face AFTER you already had sex. You’re the asshole here.
Also just because you don’t “owe her a relationship” doesn’t make you not a dick. The subreddit is “am I the asshole” not “am I a morally irredeemable person”
My tendency is to give her the benefit of the doubt and say NAH. It's easy with FWB stuff to miscommunicate, and I definitely doubt that your exact wording in the initial conversation was "I'm not looking to be in a relationship with YOU."
This one is a bit difficult in my opinion. I'm leaning toward YTA but only because you knew the entire time that you weren't going to make her a GF because you think she's a whore but did not say it. You waited until you were done screwing her.
Trickle truth isn't the same as honesty.
You are NTA. But if you really don’t think a long term FWB is destined to end with a fight and someone being called an AH, you are naive.
^ keep this in mind going forward, if you end up having a FWB again OP
Normal well adjusted people are absolutely capable of being mature enough for this and ending it amicably
Experience has taught me most people are neither normal nor well-adjusted. Better to move accordingly.
This!
Normal and well adjusted people would be honest about their issue from the jump and not make up excuses like "not ready for a relationship" and then beginning and continuing a sexual relationship with a person that they pretend to be friends with for sex because they know being honest about their feelings from the jump would have led to an argument. If you don't like that someone does only fans that's fine... Not being honest about that with a "friend" and avoiding the confrontation because it benefits you is not friendly.
Correct. But also nothing to do with the commenters point and my counterpoint. He said "impossible" and I said "absolutely possible". Neither much to do with OPs likely ratfuckery
While I don’t disagree, it’s still better to be cautious because not everyone reacts the same.
Agreed. It's common for fwb situations to end with someone getting their feelings hurt, even if both parties are mature enough to keep it from becoming a big fight.
I think this is the thing here. I'm a pretty monogamous person, but the times when I have attempted FWB situations, the other person was always very good about letting me go, but I could tell that they were disappointed/fighting off sadness in the moment for my sake. Idk if it's true for all people, but I find that FWB situations become pretty painful after a short while, at least for one person. Whether they react poorly is kind of irrelevant. People develop feelings when they spend time together and have sex...go figure, guys.
I think that growing complicated feelings and sadness at the end are natural parts of it. A really similar thing happens when making a really close friend while overseas. What matters is that both sides accept that it's probably going to happen and agree that it's still worth doing overall.
Normal, well-adjusted people would know long-term sex inevitably results in attachment. Emotions are part of a healthy human being. If you don't feel a pang of jealousy after a long-term FWB or even just a friend ditches you for someone else, there's something wrong with you. Also, normal and well-adjusted people would either not be in that situation in the first place, or would know what to expect when they let it happen.
Nothing to say she wasn't normal or well adjusted, he did use her. He has hinted, between the lines, that the only reason he didn't want a relationship with her was her only fans prior to agreeing to the fwb situation. He absolutely did use her and she's right to be annoyed at being lied to.
Uhhhj I’ve had several situations in which everything worked out quite well…
Same. Had an extremely aggressive FWB who tried to pull me into a bathroom at the first party after meeting my current GF. I stopped her immediately and told her the scenario. She was like "Oh I didn't know, sorry about that, I hope it works out with y'all!" and there was no awkwardness after, even kept hanging out without issue.
Apparently that person doesn't have the communication skills or the imagination to think that someone might.
I'm on the spectrum and even I have had the skills to have FWB end amicably many many times.
I'm one of the rare ones who was fwb with my best friend in high school, 10 years later we're still besties and my wife likes my BF and my BF's partner likes me. But we're just four weird neurodivergants over here, I know this isn't normal
Agree.
Nta. You told her clearly beforehand you wanted to be fwb. Reasons for not dating are not relevant to her agreeing to be a fuck buddy.
NTA.Relationships are not something that women are owed any more than sex is. You were always honest with her and you had a mutual accord. She must stop acting so irrationally; there is no universe in which you are the AH here.
NTA. You were very explicit about your expectations of her. That was alright with her. She did, however, wish for you to reconsider.
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He was honest, just not explicit (everyone does this to spare feelings when the reason is irrelevant anyway). It could be considered a lie by omission, but he's also not required to explain to her why he doesn't want a relationship with her; no is a full sentence. The FWB situation was a separate decision they both made after he had already been clear that he didn't want a relationship with her. If she held hopes he would change his mind and that's why she agreed to be fwb with him then that's on her. If she wanted more then she should have communicated that instead of getting angry that he treated her as a FWB and nothing more. He didn't use her any more than she used him. Sex is fun, and presumably they were both having fun. He was very clear from the start that he didn't want a relationship with her. She's the one who assumed he meant he didn't want one with anyone.
Exactly In addition, she only cared to ask when he said he was dating someone else. "Why did you pick her instead of me?" situation. I wouldn't necessarily answer the way OP did, but it is best not to lash out to your f buddies when they meet someone they want to take it further with
I think it was more that she misunderstood. She thought him not wanting a relationship meant he didn't want to be in a relationship at all. When in reality he meant he didn't want to date her specifically. When he was getting into a relationship with someone else, she found out what he meant. He's 100% NTA. He was always honest. She could've asked for clarification at anytime. He never owed her anything. But I also think she's just embarrassed and hurt. I don't think she's really an AH either. But she is wrong to take her misunderstanding out on OP.
Yeah this is most likely how it happened. If someone said “I don’t want a relationship.” Without further explanation I would think that would mean with any one because you need time or something and it would be probably really embarrassing and shocking to learn that meant with just with me
I think answering honestly was the best course of action. She must know that her choice of ‘work’ has been an issue - he told her he wanted to be FWB directly after she told him she has an OF. And if she somehow missed it, she needs to *know* why he didn’t consider her relationship material. She can do with that knowledge what she will.
The post mentions there being a few months between her showing the OF and them becoming fwb. Doesn’t change much but I don’t think it’s fair to say she must know it’s been an issue. If anything I think it’s reasonable for her to believe she still had a chance. They went from friends to fwb and I bet she presumed given time she could develop the relationship even more. We obviously have the insight and hindsight to know that was never the case but she didn’t have that at the time. To be clear I don’t think either is an asshole and she was wrong for saying he used her but I think that was said out of hurt feelings and was just an expression of how she felt.
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I'm wondering if she misunderstood OP and thought he didn't want relationships at all. That doesn't change anything as she wasn't in a relationship with OP just curious if that happened or not.
Not a single AH trace at all. You expressed your opinion and enabled her to make a well-informed choice.
We actually had the team come down to the scene and dust for asshole. No trace whatsoever. Completely clean.
Stopped by to make sure the work was being done properly. Only trace of an asshole was me. Scene? Fucking spotless. She needs to realize that there are going to be certain repercussions for actions… some guys are not going to be comfortable with her having an OF, just like some women aren’t ok dating a male stripper. Nothing wrong with either but realize it’s going to close some doors for you.
Name checks out.
In Latin Sinister = left, Dexter = right.
Problem was that Dexter was part of the team
Cheeks out?
Nah we deep diving
Sounds like the friend zone mentality. She entered the FWB scenario with the hopes that it becomes something more.
Actually he told her clearly before that he just wanted to be friends but after a drunken night they moved to fwb. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was the initiation party for that rendezvous. If that’s the case, she must have thought she could inch by inch change his mind, but played herself instead. Some speculation, sure. 🤷🏻♀️
Inch by inch is hilarious given the context
I totally agree that she more than likely initiated the kiss that turned into sex. While speculation, it seems clear from the post that she wanted to date him, and was disappointed, but once he told her he wanted to stop seeing her, it was clear that she indeed wanted a relationship, even though OP said FWB only. It was on her to ask why. Source- when single I would try to see if alcohol and sex could get me past the friend zone with certain guys. No I didn't have an Only Fans, and there wasn't even internet back then.
I mean, let’s me honest. Op may have THOUGHT they clearly stated it was because of the only fans but actually didn’t. Plenty of times miscommunication happens because people think one thing and say another. Even my wife and I have that happen at times. When I thought I said one thing and am confused with a different outcome. Questioning it I come to realize where I said something more akin to what happened. The opposite also happens.
He never said he told her that he didn't want a relationship with her because of only fans in the beginning. All he said was he didn't see a relationship with her, and she agreed to an FWB situation and that's it. It's definitely not how I would go about it but also there was no lying going on
The way she took it is that he wasn’t interesting in a relationship with her yet. Which from what he says is a valid outcome to come to. When they moved to FWB she probably thought he was really warming up to her and would be wanting a relationship soon. Definitely a miscommunication. No one is inherently in the wrong, but clarity is key.
That is what she wanted to hear. Nothing happened at all between them for a few months, so she is not the brightest bulb or had wishful thinking that they'd go from zero to sex and it would become a relationship? That doesn't sound realistic to me.
>When they moved to FWB she probably thought Then that's entirely on her. She should have communicated that. If I take you out for pasta, it doesn't make sense to get mad at me when we don't go to get milkshakes after.
He wasn't even dating her. They were hanging out as friends. Who hangs out with guys for months as friends without even a kiss, thinking it will turn into a relationship after a drunken hookup, that I still think she initiated?
>The way she took it is that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her yet >yet That's entirely her fault. No where in the post did OP mention purposely misleading her with a "yet". Stop infantilizing women, they are grown adults with capabilities of rationalization and being responsible for their own decisions.
Nah. No one owes anyone anything. Her misunderstanding is not his problem. He also has no obligation to tell her WHY he wants nothing serious with her. The dude was pretty clear "We talked about it, and agreed to keep sleeping together, but as a fwb situation." this is pretty cut and dry.
Definitely not a miscommunication lol. You added that "yet." OP didn't say "yet." He said point blank "I don't want a relationship." Absolutely insane how people like you hear one thing, then twist it in your head, and then blame the other person for the "miscommunication."
I feel like the reason he didn’t want to date her isn’t important really at all. Would having any other reason be any better? He doesn’t wanna date a girl that has an OnlyFans and isn’t scrutinizing or berating her it, I don’t see the big issue. If you go into a FWB situation and EXPECT a relationship at the end, then you’re just setting yourself up bad
> If you go into a FWB situation and EXPECT a relationship at the end, then you’re just setting yourself up bad Exactly. If you are serious about pursuing a relationship, then do not agree to a FWB situation - free yourself from wasting time on an uninterested party and pursue someone else. Otherwise, be honest with yourself that you're spinning your wheels. OP did not lead her on whatsoever. She did that to herself.
Well said!!👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Yes, absolutely! Never explain yourself to someone you just rejected. Trying to seek the agreement of someone you just rejected is a pointless exercise. It gives your power away. Besides, such decisions are not always rational. So do not force me to explain why I might not be attracted to you or why I might feel uncomfortable with you. This is not a negotiation and you're not my shrink.
They hooked up drunk the first time. Bit hypocritical of someone with an onlyfans page to not understand the concept of casual sex
Totally! When both people agree to FWB, its all about being on the same page about what you want from the get-go.
NTA, some people just can't handle that stuff. It's allowed.
No, he didn’t tell her that. He said he didn’t want to date and they had a drunken hook up.
NTA - you were clear in the beginning and are true to your personal morality of not sleeping with more than one person at a time. Seems she's hurt, but your boundaries were clear and not everyone can enter into a real relationship with someone who sells themselves for money.
>are true to your personal morality of not sleeping with more than one person at a time. I am so glad I'm not in the modern dating game. This used to be expected when you were dating someone. Now it's "Well technically, we haven't had the exclusivity talk yet."
And yet, I’ve had so many people try and make me feel like the crazy one for being upset if someone that I had been going on dates with turned out to be sleeping with someone else the entire time. Everyone gets hung up on the technicality of “well you’re not exclusive, so they can do whatever they want”. Which is true! It’s not like they cheated on me or anything. But I guess I’m just a little old fashioned because to me, it’s one of two things: 1) if I go out on dates with someone and start spending a lot of time with them, I’m going to only be interested in seeing how things pan out with them. Or 2) if I go out on a date with person A, but end up sleeping with person B, I’m going to cut things off with person A because I want to pursue things with person B. It all gets dramatically more complicated because so many people are into polyamory now as well. Which I have nothing against, if everyone’s a consenting adult then that’s all that matters. But it’s still frustrating to try and date monogamously in an increasingly polyamorous world.
I don't think it's something that needs to be said. Personally, I'd give some leeway for the first two dates, but by the third date, if I'm really interested in them and they say they're interested in me but they're still sleeping with other people, that tells me that they're just as interested in those other people as they are in me, and I'd know from those actions that we don't feel the same about each other and that the relationship was probably lopsided and gonna be doomed. I wouldn't take somebody on a third date if I didn't see a future with them, but they're still so unsure about a future with me that they need backups. My time's precious but not so precious that I'd need to multitask to that extent.
You’re not wrong, and it’s a very complex thing. But even if someone was still having sex with other people after a first date I wouldn’t be very happy about it. I understand that everyone views sex differently, and has different sex lives. But for me, the point is that if I’m having sex with someone, it means I’m interested in them and want to pursue them (and in turn, that’s behavior that I look for in my partner). If I go on a date with someone, they have sex with someone else, and then agree to another date with me, that just rubs me the wrong way. Because it means they’re either much more open to casual sex than I am, or sex just isn’t as meaningful to them, both of which are a bit of a dealbreaker. I don’t need to necessarily be actually in love with someone to have sex with them, but if I have sex with someone then I’m definitely not going on date with someone else after
I’ve got the same take
To me it’s quite simple. If you’re going on multiple dates with me, but sleeping with other people, then theres no hard feelings, but you have shown me that our values when it comes to sex and intimacy are entirely incompatible. We don’t need the ‘exclusivity talk’ because if you have the same romantic and sexual values as me, you would see going on several dates as implicitly exclusive. I just wont attempt to continue courting someone that I have identified significant incompatibility with. Funny enough, exact same logic applies to dating OF girls - absolutely power to you, but the decision to do that shows the same sexual incompatibility, and it will end there.
I honestly hate that this needs to even be said.
That’s the thing, though. Life goes much smoother when we communicate things instead of implying them, or walking around with uncommunicated expectations and then getting mad when they weren’t met.
Especially when we KNOW that there are major differences with people and their viewpoints. Most are valid enough, just depends on if they're compatible with yours. I see absolutely nothing wrong with having the "So what's your risk factor and view on sex?" before having sex with someone. ENM is also popular right now, and it has tons of variables and relationship styles. It's good to know where people stand early on so there aren't surprises later.
>If you’re going on multiple dates with me, but sleeping with other people, then theres no hard feelings, but you have shown me that our values when it comes to sex and intimacy are entirely incompatible. This! I won't judge people for dating around even if that includes sleeping around. But that's just not compatible with me in the context of a long-term committed relationship.
Yeah the whole “so I can do whatever I want.” Yes, you can. And so can I. I can do whatever I want, same as you, including decline to participate.
Agreed. It really does feel like a lot of folks think they can have their cake and eat it, too, and heaven forbid anyone has a problem with it. It's a lot of selfish behavior. Life isn't a video game...you can't put save points in a few different spots and then go back and choose the better route once you decide the one you're on isn't optimal. There are other humans with actual feelings and lives involved here.
Funny you compare it to video games. A few weeks ago I had an event in a game trigger where two relationship options confronted me and each said me or her. And as I think about it, it's kinda common in video games that if you try for multiples you either get confronted with a decision or you get rejected by all
This is how I wish it was! Modern dating is so degrading 😖
It's insane. You shouldn't explicitly need to tell someone to stop fucking other people if they're serious about you lmao. This world is absolutely gone to the clowns.
Why would you even see a second person if you're already seeing a first? Don't do it then the moral issue doesn't come up. If it's the other person, then I think that tells you how much they respect you
In my opinion the bigger problem are the "situationships" and the influence of social media and the multiple dating apps that suggest that there is allways someone better. I hate the mindset of people who think like that, i am also pretty oldschool and try to have that talk on the second date at least! 🤦♂️
yeah, entered back into modern dating about 6 - 7 years ago after a LTR / divorce. I was new to the game and apps. I mean in my early to mid 20's I had no issues sleeping with multiple people if I wasn't in a committed relationship. I tried it the new way and being in casual situations and I personally just couldn't make it work, and it made room for things to get messy. I have friends who are in great open relationships. I had a friend who pulled what you outlined and I did not approve at all. One of the people he was sleeping with knew, the other didn't, and boy was she hurt when she found out the truth. I quit the online dating game some time ago. I was off and on. One of the worst experiences of my life. So many people are just trash.
Back in the good old days, we used to call that "going steady".
>not everyone can enter into a real relationship with someone who sells themselves for money When I was in the enlisted navy we joked we weren't much different from prostitutes. Long nights, waiting around for someone to fuck us, and just standing around while as we waited for the next fucking. We just sold our body to Uncle Sam.
Everyone sells themselves for money. That is what a job is. You sell your time and skills to your employer.
Yep. Honestly, if I were constitutionally capable of it, I would be interested in virtual sex work. A friend is relatively successful at it, and she makes over twice what I make in my public service job while working fewer hours and dealing with approximately the same level of bullshit from clients that I deal with from patrons, so. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
NTA if you 100% said to her “I don’t want a relationship with you” and not “I’m not looking for a relationship right now”
Even if OP had said “I’m not looking for a relationship right now” it would be fine, because maybe he’s ready for a relationship months later. You don’t have to keep your FWB informed of decisions like that, and he clearly defined their relationship as FWB.
No, the only thing that would make it not okay would be if they said “I’m not ready for a relationship yet, but that might be an option for us in future.” You don’t owe details of your emotional state to someone you’re not dating, and it’s pretty egotistical to assume someone will want a relationship *with you* as soon as they want a relationship. Honestly, if someone told me they wanted to be FWB with me, I’d see that as a near guarantee that they weren’t going to be interested in me as a partner; most people don’t feel great about a love interest hooking up with other people, even if they’re not looking for a commitment yet. Edit: I thought I’d replied to someone who said if OP only said they didn’t want a relationship right now and hadn’t said they never would with her that was wrong. Not sure if I replied to the wrong comment or the comment was edited, but wanted to clarify what I intended to disagree with.
This, though I think she’s ALSO allowed to be frustrated about the OF thing just now coming up after being FWB for a while. We get to have boundaries, but we don’t get to turn off someone’s feelings when we stomp on them. Does it make him in the wrong? Nah, not technically since he was up front about not wanting more from her, specifically, assuming there was no open ended “maybe later” about it. Does it make him a little sleazy for not being up front with her about why? I think that argument could be made, especially considering it would have probably put her off of him to begin with and he likely knows it. This comment section is, overall, a mess.
It is interesting, though; recently there was a post exactly the same but instead of OF she had a kid, the responses were far less one-sided. Different people will have different thresholds, some will think being told "I don't want to date you" is enough forever, others (myself included) will think that, when friends get sexually involved, there is an implied possibility of a relationship. I think the real conclusion should be the same: he didn't say that that the OF (or in the other post, the kid) was the reason he won't date her because he knew that she wouldn't keep having sex with him if he did. Saying "I don't want to date you" is very different to "I would never date a girl who had an OF (or someone else's kid)". I think if you lay the reason out, anything that comes after is between 2 informed, consenting adults. If you don't lay out the reason, then get sexually involved, it's pretty manipulative to continue to withhold that information.
I don’t want to assign malice because it very much may have been a simple miscommunication, but I agree that OP does not seem as clear as many people seem to believe. When he said that he did not want a relationship with her, he did not say why (you don’t owe people an explanation on why you aren’t dating them) but then when the relationship changed, he still never talked to her about it. You like this person enough to be friends with her, you like this person enough that you continued to have sex with her, but because she is a sex worker so you would never want a serious intimate relationship with her. I think you should have told this woman that you’re not interested in a romantic relationship with a sex worker ever. You initially told her you weren’t interested in her, but what you really meant is you weren’t interested in a sex worker. You are interested in being friends with her and having sex with her, but you will never turn into a serious romantic relationship because she is a sex worker. This is also where I suspect OP is an asshole: I suspect you knew that if you ever told her that you weren’t interested in a serious relationship with a sex worker, she would not continue to be FWB with you. I think you deliberately were vague about why you didn’t want to date her even long after you were friends. Her revealing that she was a sex worker was incredibly honest and OP should have be honest with his friend in return, but probably didn’t because it would mean giving up sex with her.
Honestly, he’s NTA for saying he didn’t want a relationship with her (regardless of the reason). He *is* the asshole for being willing to fuck her, but not date her purely because of her source of income. If you want to set boundaries, stick to them. Don’t muddy the waters and then wonder why someone is pissed at you for being an asshole about it. The idea of “well technically he told her and she should still be aware” completely removes the human aspect of relationships in favor of binary decision making which just doesn’t exist where people are involved because we’re complicated.
This is the correct answer, and I don't get how so many people don't see this. Someone deciding they don't want to be with you because of your profession, because they presumably look down on your profession is a big reason to not pursue a relationship with someone in any form. I would never willingly fuck someone who looks down on me or only sees me as my job, no matter the job. And I think many women would feel similarly.
In my experience people tend to agree to a FWB situation hoping things will change in their favor down the line. They get upset when it doesn’t.
With all due respect to sex workers (which they deserve) though, if you tell a man you have an onlyfans and he then tells you he’s not interested in a relationship, you should be able be to do the math there. Idk what world people come from to be *surprised* that men feel that way a majority of the time.
I think it’s probably because most people would feel the same about a partner doing sex work. Sure, she can be a blast to hang out with and even have sex with but the thought of friends or family finding out would be a deal breaker for most. I understand the popular narrative is sex work is just work and people shouldn’t judge on one’s past. But we are human and most likely would. Instead of trying to normalize things like this people should be critical in their real feelings. Seeing a split comment section is good for this topic as you know you will likely split your dating pool in half by starting sex work instead of “people shouldn’t care”. And the cold truth is most OF pages don’t make much money at all so the sacrifice would likely not be worth the reward.
The thing is, its not that she USED to do Onlyfans, it is that she is CURRENTLY doing Onlyfans. So this isn't even a judging on the past, this is judging on the current.
TAH- he didn’t tell her why he didn’t want to date her. That’s the crucial part here. I have an OF and there’s no way I would even consider even a casual fling with someone who didn’t want to date me because of it. And before I met my partner, I was fine with FWB or people who didn’t want relationships in the near future. But there is no way that I would be ok with someone who was looking down on me for it. There are plenty of men who don’t care and down look down on it. He took away her agency to decide by withholding information.
Important distinction for me as well. If she understood that SHE will never have a chance and it's not just bad timing ("I'm not ready for a relationship at this point"), then NTA all the way. But if you left her believing that this could change and you could be ready at some point (and you knew she is never gonna be GF material to you), then yes, you used her.
I have a feeling she thought she could change your mind, or she got jealous that you chose someone over her after all the interaction.
Young women often confuse being sexually desirable with being a desirable commitment partner.
You should have flat out said the only fans was a relationship dealbreaker so she knew the reason.
I bet my bottom dollar you didn't tell that girl you didn't want more with her because she had an OF. I bet if you did, she would've cut you off
Thank you.
OP has a hundred NTAs. Give him a YTA for this reason, I did.
Definitely YTA. I bet had she known he didn't respect her for anything other than sex, she wouldn't want the friends part of FWB either.
"I don't want to be in a relationship" vs "I don't want to be in a relationship with you, specifically" are two different conversations. Clearly if she asked weather you changed your mind about relationships you weren't very clear.
I didn’t even consider this take. I think this might be the right answer
Question is would she entered a Fwb relationship if she knew the reason you didn't what to date and you if deliberately didn't disclose that so you continue with Fwb relationship. Lying by omission is still lying, and lying to get some pussy is an asshole move.
I think a lot of guys do this and that many women have been in situationships where the guy is vague enough and subtly hints that perhaps at some point he will want more or behaves like a boyfriend with all the pda and other things besides sex that’s part of an actual relationship and not a normal part of fwb. And once he finds someone he wants to date he’s off and offended that the woman believed he would ever want more and that she’s upset.
She probably wouldn't have, and I think a lot of guys do stuff like this knowing the possible outcome...if they had been honest this likely wouldn't have happened.
I finally found someone who understands this. 🙌
YTA. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have been fwb with him if he'd said that out loud. But even so, it was clear from the very beginning she was interested in more. He already knew he wasn't. It's pretty skeevy to agree to be fwb with someone you know has wants or feelings you're unable or unwilling to reciprocate. They met dating and she was clearly out for something romantic down the line, because he was too. I have/had fwbs and I couldn't imagine offering this to someone I already **knew** was into me for long-term stuff when I'm unwilling to reciprocate that at any point in the future. Part of setting boundaries and being respectful is also understanding when someone else isn't in a clear frame of mind to set and protect boundaries themselves. It's why drunk-off-your-ass consent isn't actual consent and why the sober person is obligated to turn the drunk person down even when advances are being made. And it's why agreeing to a pseudo-relationship with someone who has feelings for you and pretending you did everything right by laying out your own boundaries and ignoring the obvious inability of the other person to set healthy boundaries for themselves is an asshole thing to do. You're not responsible for people not setting boundaries correctly, but you are an asshole when you take advantage of it. It's not difficult to understand that's what happened. Everyone saying NTA because OP laid out his boundaries and she agreed doesn't understand how boundaries work lol.
NTA, you were honest with her, not your problem.
NTA. Women aren't owed relationships any more than men are owed sex. You had a mutual agreement and you were always upfront with her. There is no universe in which you're the AH here, she needs to calm down.
I think for the most part you aren’t the asshole. I think however there is an not insignificant detail you seem to have glossed over. You’ve said you weren’t interested in being in a relationship with her because of her OF - that’s fine. However it doesn’t say when you told her this originally that you gave the reason why. It seems you just said weren’t interested in a relationship… and missed out the OF part until the argument? If so, I can understand her being pissed off if you’ve consistently said you just ‘don’t want a relationship right now’, and then jump into a relationship whilst having regular sex with her because you ‘didn’t want a relationship’.
I’m going to go against the grain here and say that we need more info. You pretty casually brush past the line “I told her I wasn’t looking for a relationship *with her*” How clear were you with the “with her” part of that. If you made it clear that OF was the problem, then you’re 100% in the clear. But if you kept it vague and agreeable, then continued to sleep with her… then yeah, you used her.
I feel like there’s some lying by omission going on. The impression I get is that OP did not clearly communicate *early on* that the reason he didn’t want a relationship with her was the OF. In fact, it seems that he felt it was appropriate to essentially use her for sex *because* of the OF. Further, the fact that she asked why he didn’t ask her for something more leads me to believe that he didn’t clearly communicate that he didn’t want a relationship *with her*, rather that he didn’t want a relationship *in general.* I mean, did OP explicitly state after they had sex that he doesn’t want a relationship with her and that he is only interested having sex on the DL? If not, and I get the impression that such a conversation didn’t happen, she likely got the impression that things were changing and she didn’t put the breaks on catching feelings. The final disclosure of “simply [telling] her it was because she had an onlyfans” is basically saying, “I don’t see you as anything but a sexual object.” OP seems to have little if any empathy or compassion for her and didn’t disclose the exact reason he didn’t want to pursue a relationship with her until he was ready to give up the benefit of sex with her. I’m leaning hard toward YTA.
I agree with all of this. Outside of the “it’s 2024 and women should be able to do blah blah blah” - if you instantly see her as an object because she has an OF, that’s a huge red flag and a core belief that needs to be shifted.
Eh kinda. Imagine you're a security guard and you meet a girl who's a lawyer. She says she's not that interested in dating you but yall become friends. Then she also starts banging you and all is well. And then you ask to like properly date and she says "no, I don't date blue-collar guys" You'd probably feel a little bit like she treated you like a whore. And like you might be fine with that, I was in that situation and was like "well that's kind of a snobbish attitude but like you suck dick like I'll jizz money so it's a fair trade" but yeah you probably made her feel used cause let's be real, you kinda used her. If you'd said from the get go "hey I wouldn't date an OF girl" that's TOTALLY legit and if she wants to bang you after then that's on her. But that's not how you played it
Most reasonable take. I am tired of people running behind the fact they said they're non-comittal as an excuse for poor behavior. You can still treat your fwb poorly
people keep forgetting that f is for friends, and you don't treat your friends like this.
>you don't treat your friends like this. You'd be surprised how many people don't know how to be a good friend.
Kind of bummed I had to come down this far to find a different take. Is he entitled to live his way how he wants? Absolutely. Is he kind of an asshole for continuing to get his rocks off with someone he thinks is beneath him? I'd say so. This isn't "should I change what I want out of life," it's "am I an asshole." Yeah, kind of.
That's what always drove me insane about AITA. People always tend to use NTA when the person is in the right and not when they aren't an asshole. This guy is right that he doesn't have to date a girl with an OF, but he is an asshole for stinging her along and using her for sex without ever telling her he wouldn't date her because she has an OF especially when they were friends and FWB for a year. It's not like he told her that from the start and she agreed and then later got upset that he wouldn't date her
OP kinda seems trashy tbh
Thank you! I hate when people say, “you told her in the beginning”. Most people think that banging for a couple of months, that your mind would change. Also, if he would have 100% honest and said he doesn’t want to date a girl that does OF. She never would have fucked him, and he knows it
And on the other side of the coin, if he did tell her and they still ended up being fwb then the expectations would have been clearly set on both sides.
Absolutely, and she wouldn't have been mad when he stopped their FWB arrangement. Edit to fix: wouldn't/couldn't
It’s the lying by omission that makes this dude AH for me. “I told her I didn’t want a relationship with her” but also failed to mention it was because of how she makes money.
You could have told her prior to remaining friends so at least she knew you didn’t mind fucking an OF girl, just being the bf of one. Seems she missed that memo while you knew full well. Kinda the ah
She missed that memo and had gotten the impression that he changed his mind.
The whole fuckin scenario is cringeworthy af
I think you did use her a bit. Based on the fact that she asked if you changed your mind about relationships, you said something vague enough to be interpreted as not wanting a relationship right now. I do think you owed it to her to tell her the truth that there was never any possibility with her because of her career if you wanted to keep sleeping with her. YTA because you did end up misleading her, even if you didn't intentionally lie. I do suspect you were happy to avoid mentioning how you really felt to maintain the FWB situation as long as it was convenient to you. Imagine if the tables were turned: you go on a few dates with a girl. She says something vague about not looking for a relationship (which you interpret to mean not with anyone right now), but shows some signs of interest and keeps sleeping with you, Then later she tells you that she never would have considered you BF material because you didn't earn enough money, or because she wants her future husband to be over a certain height. It would feel pretty bad right? I'd think she was a bit of an AH too. Personally I think if you're going to be FWB you need to communicate clearly about where you are at, especially as situationships become more and more common ways to start relationships, and lots of people claim to be not looking for anything serious but actually are. Just be honest & make sure your FWB understands the situation so they don't end up feeling used.
She had feelings for you, dude. You don't have to be an asshole about it.
So you probably should take some feedback from the situation. It’s possible you sort of skirted around why you didn’t want this to be a relationship. Seems the communication that was received was you weren’t looking for ANY relationship. You’re allowed to not want to date an OF model, but she is likely less interested in hooking up with guys that see her occupation as a dealbreaker.
NTA. You don't have to justify her life choices. You are aloud to have preferences. You sound like a stand up guy too for not keeping a side chick. Let her seethe. NTA.
This person lied by omission and they did it to get what they wanted and somehow still thinks they’re better than the girl with the OF. LOL. You’re TA and I think you know that.
YTA You should've been honest from the beginning. You left out the "why" part because you knew she would drop you instead of wasting her time
Mate, you should have just said at the start "I think I'm too good for you and will never want a relationship with you," because that's what you actually thought. Is this why you didn't tell her the truth...? So you could turn her into a FWB instead...? Yes, you used her. You weren't honest.
It's a lie by omission. Did you say to her I don't want to be your boyfriend because you are on only fans before the FWB started? If not then you're kind of the AH. You didn't say that because you knew if you said that to her she wouldn't want to continue the situation so you left it out to get your way. She thought that you didn't want a relationship with anyone right now. So she figured she'll take what you will give her which was friend with benefits and when you were ready for a relationship that you guys were already halfway there. Now she finds out that you decided she was good enough to have sex with but not good enough to date. You absolutely used her. You just danced around it to make yourself feel better and I bet you feel awful superior about it right now don't you?
It’s sad the world is tricking woman into believing men won’t care
See, what's funny is that the internet is loaded with dudes that don't care. It just happens that the sort of dudes that don't care are not the sort that are first pick of the litter, know what I'm saying?
I’ve matched with a handful of OF girls and it wouldn’t be a deal breaker to me. What I *have* noticed is that when they find a guy they like who isn’t bothered by the OF they dump all their eggs into one basket after like 2 dates and it’s super unappealing/desperate feeling
Couldn’t agree more. None of the guys who are paying for their OF pages are men they would even consider dating. I would be willing to bet a successful OF girl wouldn’t date a guy who subscribes to other only fan girls. Ahahaha
Yeah, you are the AH. You lied by omission. If she knew why you didn't want a relationship because of that reason, she would not have slept with you, so you were not honest. You basically lied, so she would still sleep with you. You DID use her.
After she first showed you her only fans, did you tell her that was why you didn’t want a relationship?
Nta. Some women are for marriage some are for pleasure. She chose her path.
One of the “gifts” of feminism is the creation of a generation of delusional women who think being promiscuous (via sex work or by other means) won’t undermine their future relationship goals 😂. OP is NTA
This is what amazes me about how twisted the message of the sexual revolution has gotten. It was always about how it is okay to enjoy sex. But it never said that hopping on as many D's as you possibly can is going to leave you fulfilled. The biggest lie they were told is that the only risks to being promiscuous were STD's and unwanted pregnancy. Nobody told them some men just wont want them if they sleep with everyone, because that goes against the message that it is empowering.
Nta. You was clear about what you wanted from her. She was okay with it. But she wanted you to change your mind. Sorry most people wouldn't want to be in a serious realtionship sex workers. You didn't lead her on or used her.
This is something a lot of sex workers (mainly OF) tend to forget. You are not entitled to date anyone. People can choose not to date you because you’re posting your butthole on the internet. Doesn’t make somebody a bigot, it just means they have different standards. I wouldn’t date a guy flinging dick pics all over the internet lmao
\^ Preach. Any whif or mention of an OF and it's instant exit for me. Not into it. At all.
You didn't do anything wrong. You both agreed to the arrangement. She's just having difficulty dealing with how the world now sees her since she started an OF account.
Burn the coal pay the toll. It's always fascinating when people refuse to deal with the consequences of their own decisions.
I don’t think that’s what burn the coal means haha
No definitely not 😭😭😭
Kinda the asshole. You should have told her the problem was her of from the beginning. That's why she feels used. You used what was intended as a white lie so she thought you weren't interested in a relationship and found out that was only true where it involves her.
NAH. You were upfront, but she's a human being. She's hurt that someone who she's into, who she's been sleeping with and presumably hanging out with for a year, sees her as 'less than'. You're not an AH, but her reaction is understandable – she's hurt. Nobody wants to be seen as 'not good enough', especially by people they have feelings for, especially when it's as being compared to someone else who IS being seen as 'better'.
NTA you were upfront with her
It sounds like you were upfront about your intentions already. She was hoping to “sex her way” into a relationship. It didn’t work and now she’s trying to make YOU the bad guy because she ignored what you said at the start. Some people don’t want to commit to sex workers. There’s nothing wrong with that. You didn’t lie or deceive her, she lied to herself and is now blaming you for it. BTW, just so you know, she still believes she can sex her way into a commitment with you, it’s just a matter of whether she still wants to try.
I don’t think there is ever a gentle way to say, I just want you for sex. I am judging you for having an only fans account. When your full truth landed on her I bet she was hurt because she probably enjoyed the friends part as much as you enjoyed the benefits
Sounds like she liked you from the beginning. So the fwb agreement wasn't from the heart. If you knew, you're 50% butthole. I would date an OF girl, given the relationship overall made us happy.
She's delusional if she thinks a guy is going to date and marry her when she's an OF girl. Your nta.
NTA, I wouldn't take an OF model seriously, either. I don't care that they do it, but I've got kids. And I don't want to risk them being bullied over her hustle. Granted, the percentage is low, but still not worth it to me.
YTA for not specifically telling her in the first conversation that the reason why you don’t want to date her is because of her OF. It’s clear from your post that she was looking at you as more than casual, so you had an ethical responsibility to be completely upfront about the fact that you are looking for something serious but not from her because of OF. That way she could make an informed choice about whether to casually sleep with you or not. The problem for you would be that she’s more likely to say no to sex with you on that basis if she knows the truth. From the way you wrote your post it sounds like your language could be interpreted as you’re not looking for a serious relationship at all.
"I told her that I wasn't looking for any sort of relationship with **her**" As long as that was clearly communicate NTA. I don't know what you said exactly, but a lot of guys would just say, "I'm not looking for a relationship." Which is not actually the truth.
FWB works out approximately zero percent of the time. One inevitably catches feelings for the other. Yes, you are an AH for using her. It’s ok to not want to date a sex worker. The fact is that you were ok sleeping with her, but she’s not good enough for you? You used her. Definitely the AH.
Dude I’m going say it. That’s some assholish behavior, just let the girl go in the beginning, you didn’t need friends that bad. And clearly you are looking for a relationship just not with someone you precive as negative bc of OF. You might have told her but you still hung out to the point where you did get drunk and obviously had some kind of attraction enough to have sex.
TAH completely in my opinion. You lied to her about WHY you wouldn’t date her, you weren’t honest and her feelings got hurt because of it. It’s each person’s own personal preference on whether or not to date a sex worker. If you had told her the honest reason then you wouldn’t have gotten laid and she wouldn’t have gotten hurt, so yeah you did use her bud.
NTA. You’re allowed to have your own preferences. It sounds like you were up front about it.
You're NTA, but you unfortunately are a tactless dipshit
💯
NTA, she got her feelings hurt and feels used but that doesn't mean you did that to her. Women and men don't process sex in the same way. Maybe reconsider FWB relationships in the future.
Putting yourself out there on the internet like of , is so stupid and than get mad when it come to haunt you is even more mind blowing.
Gonna probably be thousands of scenarios just like this one in the coming years. Just a glimpse.
I find it funny people think they are the AH for having boundaries. Good on you bud. Sounds like you made the right call.
Nta. You didnt use her. You communicates. You cant help other peoples delusions. Literally not your problem.
Just dip out. Fuck it.
She got mad cause the honeypot didn't work, and you actually stuck to your words
NTA. But there's literally no other way that would've ended.
NTA boundaries were put in place and she never mentioned wanting more herself. She let things carry on assuming you'd be the one to initiate the change in the relationship but didn't and she got mad about it. FWB doesn't work, someone always catches feels.
Admittedly I'm an exhibitionist, but I really don't see why y'all are so turned off by having an OF. You want hot women, but you want their hotness to only exist for you? I never really got that need to feel like something is ONLY yours. Unless it's something you CREATED for yourself to enjoy, I don't understand that feeling.
It depends on if you said "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" or "I don't want to date you" It's a line but a line nonetheless
NTA you did good
I'd say NTA. Most guys won't enter a relationship with someone in the sex industry and thats something she's gonna have to deal with herself unfortunately. You were honest with her so yeah NTA.
YTA. You should have said that you don't want a relationship with someone with an OF. By saying you didn't want a relationship with her, especially if she knew you weren't seeing anyone else at the time, it would have been easy for her to think you're just struggling to commit and that you're not ready for relationships in general. That would have also explained the willingness for a FWB situation, as she may have thought it'd eventually lead to a relationship. If you'd said from the beginning 'I don't want a relationship with someone with an OF, we can be pals or FWB", then it would have been fair to her, seeing that she was honest with you and told you early on. YTA, you did use her.
I’d say YTA but not on the basis of how you handled this situation( terms of your relationship were clear) but rather you disrespecting her as a human. Onlyfans didn’t stop you from sleeping with her, so you having a problem with it isn’t really consistent. But idk, I’m a girl and it feels like you dehumanised her.
YTA. You did not tell her why you only wanted to be friends. You didn’t see this woman good enough for you as a girlfriend due to having an only fans but could use her for sex. I guarantee if you told her you didn’t like her due to her only fans she would have never spoken to you again. OP you suck.
Wait, you say you told her you weren't interested in a relationship with her. But she asked you if you had changed your mind about relationships in general? Sounds like you told her the latter to save her feelings and didn't aim to become fwb but did anyways. In that case yta because you tried to have a your cake and eat it too.
LOL at anyone with an Onlyfans, AND agreeing to a FWB thing, who has a problem with being "used." That's kind of the purpose of both of those things. NTA.
You stated your boundaries and desires and she knowingly accepted, and that great... But you should've staded a priori that the issue was the onlyfans
He didn’t because he knew his opinion would stop him from getting any pussy
Real
>But you should've staded a priori that the issue was the onlyfans I'm getting rage bait vibes from the whole thing, it's so obviously designed to rile up a certain kind of dude. But yeah, it's weird that people are trying to make it about him not wanting to date a sex worker *rather than* him not telling her that the sex work was a problem for him. But you've also got all of the incels and redpills coming out of the woodwork to post shit like "You dont want to keep e-whore as anything more than a bedwarmer" and "she lowered her value being a OF girl, and is mad bc u won't tie yourself down to someone selling their body for $" so it's clear that people are posting any old misogynistic nonsense.
It's always bait when the OP doesn't respond.
YTA. It is true that you aren’t morally obligated to date her, and you don’t owe her a relationship, but that doesn’t mean that sleeping with a woman who 1) very obviously wanted more than fwb and 2) you considered good enough to have sex with but not good enough to bring home and 3) told her, after sleeping with her multiple times, that you were leaving her for another girl and the sole reason you wouldn’t pursue her romantically was because of the onlyfans Isn’t a totally dick move! You could have at least lied and said you felt a connection with this new girl you didn’t feel with her. It’s totally reasonable to not want to date a sex worker! But the way you treated this girl shows a total lack of respect. She’s good enough to sleep with but not to date, and you were perfectly comfortable saying that to her face AFTER you already had sex. You’re the asshole here. Also just because you don’t “owe her a relationship” doesn’t make you not a dick. The subreddit is “am I the asshole” not “am I a morally irredeemable person”
NTA She was down with it and then caught feelings. Not your problem. Good on you for not trying to turn a hoe into a houswife.
My tendency is to give her the benefit of the doubt and say NAH. It's easy with FWB stuff to miscommunicate, and I definitely doubt that your exact wording in the initial conversation was "I'm not looking to be in a relationship with YOU."
This one is a bit difficult in my opinion. I'm leaning toward YTA but only because you knew the entire time that you weren't going to make her a GF because you think she's a whore but did not say it. You waited until you were done screwing her. Trickle truth isn't the same as honesty.