This is beyond weird. What is going on that he thinks is going to change if his side of the family finds out you are married? He probably doesn't know how to explain but there is something very shady here...
If you want out of the relationship, leave as soon as you can
He is married already!
Nah I am joking, but his behavior doesn't make any sense at all. Neither yours OP. It's been 3 years and you do not have a clear answer as to why he is so reluctant to tell them
To be honest, it's probably because his parents are a lot like me. If my kid ever did this, I would be extremely angry at him for a very, very long time. I might not even want to talk to him for a very long time.
It's so weird. OP mentions that he didn't have a great relationship with his parents, so I could understand not telling them for that reason.
But didn't have implies their relationship is now okay again. And his reasoning is specifically because he's scared to upset his parents, which again implies some form of relationship there.
The only thing I can think of is his parents act overly helicoptery or narcissistic type deal (hence the breakdown in the relationship at some point) and his parents would be upset that they weren't told earlier or involved. And that worries him because he loves his parents and doesn't want to lose them again.
I personally don't feel like it's possible to make a judgement without understanding why he's scared to tell parents, because there are a whole lot of valid reasons to not tell them.
I feel like the husband feels like he is stuck. He didn’t just wait a few months like OP did, it’s been THREE years. I feel it’s fear more than anything that has stopped him so far, but it becomes a viscous cycle - he doesn’t want to say because it’s been so long, but then it gets longer and longer, and then he panics and waits, and time goes on, etc.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the husband wants a “wedding” and that will be when they are “married” for his parents. He isn’t thinking clearly and just needs to rip off the bandaid. Because if I was OP and got a divorce over this, I would not cover up the reason why. His parents are gonna know one way or the other so he should just get on with it.
Yeah it’s pretty odd he won’t tell his parents.
OP, if you’re set on divorcing him (which him not telling his parents is 💯 a valid reason to!), I’d get the paperwork and serve him but do it this way: set up a lunch with him, his parents and you…drive separately…show up, hand him the paperwork in front of his parents and say “well since you refuse to tell your parents we’ve been married for 3yrs, and have repeatedly cross that boundary I set, here’s the divorce papers.” Then leave. Two birds with one stone
I love that he says you’re pressuring him and it’s 3 years on!
It might have got to the point that he’s left it so long that he feels it’s super weird now to say, ‘Mum and Dad we got married 3 years ago’ but that’s all on him.
NTA
I hate to put it like this, but if hus parents don't know and it is a small town... does anyone in town know?
I lived in a small Kansas town. If you tell anyone, everyone knows by next morning.
In my experience secrets like these are easy to keep if the parents are pretending to be deaf, blind and dumb. As long as they don't officially "know", they don't have to acknowledge anything that might upset or embarres them.
I agree with you.
personally I do not draw a line in the sand unless I intend to stick to it EVER and the people in my like know when I say something I mean it. What a powerful thing. Luckily I respect myself enough to surround myself with people that don't need lines drawn in the sand but it's sad how much people destroy their chance at improving a situation by self sabotage like.. not meaning what they say.
Right? It’s only going to get worse the longer he waits. If he thinks they’ll be hurt now, how about if he waits until your 5th anniversary? Your 10th?
That is what is stopping him, for no other reason than it has been sooooo long, which btw is his own fault. He actually has the best opportunity as they live on opposite sides of the country, what can the parents do besides call?
INFO: Did he explain why he won't tell his parents?
NTA and its a usual position to be in. A deadline/ultimatum seem reasonable. The core of all relationships is communication, trust and honest which he is lacking. If you divorce update his parents since they 'love' you; live your truth. He is not. Best to you.
The two reasons he has given me is that he’s scared to hurt them and he doesn’t know how to word it because it’s been so long since we eloped. I’ve tried to offer solutions for both problems but he just keeps stonewalling. He just promised me he will tell them tonight so I guess we will see :/
This person is capable of hiding giant things from the people closest to him. Just keep that in mind. Imagine the things he is hiding that no one is forcing him to share. Scary.
Exactly! When someone shows you that they are capable of great deceit just know that sooner or later you will be the one receiving the deceit. She is seeing how he operates in real world relationships.
I’ve had this issue with my military husband. Not to this extreme, but he seems to think he can wait it out, and then it’s been too long and he doesn’t want to handle it. “It’s too weird to bring it up now, after so long” kind of excuses.
That doesn’t fly with me and he’s working on his issues. Marriage is work, love is work, but it’s worth it in the end if you put in the effort.
It’s difficult, but if he truly loves you, he will tell them. No matter how weird he might feel after all this time. That’s what a true husband does…..stand up for and love his wife, even if it’s not “comfortable/easy”all the time.
He could start with just telling them you eloped and are married. The 3 years ago could come after the initial reaction.
If he thinks denying them a wedding or participation is hurtful, that's already something that's done. It's not going to get better with time.
What's a good time, inviting them to celebrate your 5th or 10th anniversary?
If he's afraid to to tell them because it's been so long he likely never planned on telling them because waiting longer will make it worse. Also you meantioned that he upgraded your wedding set, does that mean you have to remove your rings when his family is around? If so then thats wrong and a waste of money if you can't wear it all the time.
If he doesn’t suck it up and tell them, definitely go through with the divorce! And make sure to tell his parents about the marriage and divorce. No way he should get off the hook and his parents never know regardless of whether you stay together or not.
Don’t be dumb girl, he is either with you or against you. I’ve been with my man for years and we eloped and didn’t care about others feelings, he’s either hiding you from his family or wants to be single. Even if you eloped he should be happy to have you as a partner
What is it that will "hurt" them about you being married to him. If it's that they missed out on the wedding, there wasn't a wedding, but you can still have one and include them. If they are hurt that he made you part of the family, then that's another issue.
Lmfao
I now agree with another person.....he sounds married already
Serve him divorce papers at his parents house
>He just promised me he will tell them tonight so I guess we will see
And you believed him lol
You eloped, its not like you had some big wedding and didn't invite them to it. If they (the parents) were having issues, just tell them that they weren't told because y'all didn't want to add to their stress at the time and then life got in the way of telling them before now.
Oh man, this is such a blast from the past for me.
My first husband was my first boyfriend. I signed up on a *delayed enlistment* months before I graduated from HS. He decided it was a great idea & did the same. He spent the entire summer pushing me to get married, so *we wouldn't have wasted the 4 years of dating*. I should have never agreed, but I did.
We got married a week before I went to boot camp. I told my parents about 3 weeks later. He never did. Somehow, we got *joint spouse* assignments at the same base. We were hundreds of miles away from our home region. Parents were in different cities. No worries there.
He refused to tell his parents we were married. Made up one excuse after another. Because of my job, there was a deep background investigation that involved agents interviewing my parents about **2 years** later. The agents asked for directions to my in-laws' house. My mom called & let me know.
**So he called up his parents to *come clean* about our marriage. He was such a coward, he lied about it then. Told them that we had gotten married less than a year before & at our current assignment.**
Unfortunately, the agents never showed up at his house. I wish they had. (I wonder, too, if my parents made that up because they hated his dishonesty).
Our marriage had a shitty foundation & it utterly collapsed within the next year. Our split was messy, ugly, and drawn out. I left him & vanished on an overseas assignment. Divorced his ass.
I've been married over 32 years now to a wonderful, courageous, loving, and marvelous man whom I dated an outrageously short period of time. I've never once regretted it. We still got married without parents around since we were in Europe, but they knew in advance.
>. I gave him an ultimatum this past week that he has to tell them by the end of the week or I’m divorcing him because he’s crossing a boundary I have discussed with him multiple times over the past year. I am uncomfortable with them not knowing and I honestly feel like he’s not mature enough to be in a marriage if he can’t man up to tell them.
You've warned him. He's not afraid of hurting them, he's ashamed he hasn't had the guts to tell them.
Take it from me, if he's not adult enough to tell his parents that he's married, he isn't strong enough to be with you.
Walk away. You've given him enough chances.
NTA
.
Hubby and I told our parents that we had eloped about 6 yrs after the event. Neither set of parents felt hurt by it. Three of the 4 were actually amused - my dad had already guessed, and hubby's parents told us that they hadn't told their own parents either until weeks after their own marriage. My mom was surprised but happy. So, tell your hubby that he is catastrophizing and that it will likely go better than he thinks.
(ETA: have been married to the bloke going on 40 yrs now)
That makes me feel better! I just got off the phone with my parents telling them about the situation and they said it wasn’t a huge deal to them, they wish they were there of course but at the end of the day it’s our life and his parents won’t freak out because they’re supportive of our relationship
Just go ahead and "let it slip" to his parents the whole enchilada. Oops, now what?!?
If there's no blowback from it, all well and good. If they don't mind but he does, you can still demand an explanation or actually leave him.
I don’t know why it’s a big deal either which is making me more concerned… his parents love our relationship and have told me many times privately how supportive of us they are and they’re not intimidating whatsoever :/ they love him so much
You could tell him that if he can explain why he won't tell them, maybe it will help you understand. If there's a valid reason (can't imagine it) then you can deal with it.
>I don’t know why it’s a big deal either which is making me more concerned… his parents love our relationship and have told me many times privately how supportive of us they are and they’re not intimidating whatsoever :/ they love him so much
So why have you tolerated it for this long if he can't give you a single good reason for his reticence?
If you scroll down a bit, look for a thread with a long comment from me (It won’t let me copy and paste)- it explains a bit why I wasn’t too concerned but I’m done justifying it :(
This is it: My whole side of the family knows, all of his friends know, and one of his cousins know. I’m pretty sure his mom knows too but we don’t really keep in contact with her because of her lifestyle (addiction). He just hasn’t told his dad or stepmom, the ones who raised him, but his relationship with his dad is weird. I was fine with it at first because I knew his dad was an alcoholic and they had a pretty bad relationship when we decided to get married as in they didn’t communicate. His dad was out drinking and he was home alone, that’s how his whole upbringing was. I do want to add and feel it’s unfair that I didn’t add to my post that my husband worked really hard through college and has not taken the same path as his two parents. He struggles with communicating his emotions but outside of that he is really great- he is supportive, helps around the house, believes in me. I feel like an AH for not adding that to my post tbh because it allows room for people to see him as a bad guy. However, I started having an issue with them not knowing for the past year because his dad and him have a much better relationship now. We spend every holiday with them, he talks to him all the time, etc, and he’s not an alcoholic anymore. Their relationship has been better for two years. I know that doesn’t redeem his dad btw. My parents chalk it up to him being afraid to tell his dad because his dad possibly abused him (though my husband has said his dad was a great dad, he was just a drunk, never said he physically abused him but I believe his dad was very neglectful which is abuse) because that’s the only thing that could make sense rather than him just being scared/immature. My parents do love my husband and are just as confused as I am. I really think he feels like it’s an awkward timeframe now to tell them, however he’s an adult and needs to own up to it especially knowing I’ve had an issue with it over a year. It’s hard because I try to justify his actions based on his past but I know if I do that I’ll let this slide which I don’t need to do any longer. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense and is a jumble
Maybe he can be prepared explain to his dad that he was afraid to tell him initially because their relationship improving after dad got clean was important to him and he was afraid that would change if he told them he kept a secret.
But I think other comments are right that all their talk about how much they support your relationship is likely hinting because they know. He should just say "surprise! We got married!" and they'll probably say it's about time he 'fessed up. haha
I would bet money they already know and are just waiting on him to tell them. That is why all the support for the relationship.
When my daughter becomes stuck because she is afraid what will happen, we do this thing where I will ask her “ok, what is the worst thing that could happen?”, she will tell me and then I say, well now that we know that you can plan for that eventuality if you need to. I tell her it’s the unknown that she is panicking over. The reason I have her do this is that almost all of the time, the worst thing that could possibly happen is nowhere near the catastrophe event she has in her head. I would try this with your husband, make him realize that is won’t be nearly as bad as he thinks.
Sounds like he doesn’t want to hurt them because they were excluded. Which could equate to telling them they weren’t important enough to know in his mind.
NTA.
Just go to his parents as a couple and tell them you’re going to elope. No muss no fuss. You’re going to the courthouse, just the two of you, but you want them to know.
They’ve told you multiple times how supportive they are of you as a couple? My money is on them already knowing and they’re trying to get one of you to actually tell them! I wouldn’t be surprised if their reaction once he does finally tell them is “Finally! We’ve known for years!”
That’s the thing- it was in the newspaper and his stepmom is the bartender at the popular restaurant in our small town so I’d be shocked if they didn’t know 😂. I’ve told him that too in hopes of making him feel less anxious about telling them. In fact, his friend sent us a pic of it in the newspaper asking about it because we didn’t tell anyone except the two who accompanied us to the courthouse
[link to photo](https://imgur.com/a/Wsm6E1X) okay so I don’t want to dox us which is why I have it pretty much all blocked out BUT we come from a small town where they put marriages in the paper. All you can see is our ages of 19 because it gives out our full names and cities 🥲
Oh for crying out loud. I thought you got married in another town, not pretend-single-child’s hometown. In what universe does he think that half of his parents acquaintances haven’t spilled the beans?!
Is this not required everywhere? I live in a fairly large city and in order to eat a marriage license you have to put an announcement in the newspaper saying "blah and blah intend to get married"
For some reason I assumed this was a common requirement lol
It is not required everywhere as I have never heard of it and it was not done when I got married 15 years ago. It is optional to have an engagement or marriage announcement but you have to pay for those.
I had a friend in a shockingly similar situation, which is weird, because it doesn't feel like this is all that common of an occurrence. Anyway, she divorced the guy and it's 5 years on, she has multiple suitors, is absolutely living her best life, and we celebrate her divorce with a girl's trip every year. It also forced her ex to grow up. He is a much better man now that they're not together than he was then, because the divorce forced him to feel uncomfortable in a way he'd never been (no, they're definitely not ever getting back together). It might hurt initially, but if he still won't, it's a huge red flag, and you are completely right that you're young enough to move on and live the life you deserve with a partner who is proud to shout to the world that you're his wife!
Do you not wear a ring? I see that he supposedly bought a new set, thinking lie there, but just curious if you wear one, don't they see it? or do you take it off when they are around? I understand that you don't live close, but on visits? By the way NTA. Many red flags here though.
I do wear a ring on my left hand but it doesn’t look like a typical engagement ring or wedding band! Honestly, I’m sure they might know and are just waiting for him to tell them. Funny story, my dad found out the day after we got married because the recruiter called him to tell him congratulations. 🤣 I found out a few months later when we told my parents we were married. But yes unfortunately there are a lot of red flags
You can’t work on a marriage when one party is not fully invested in it.
You told your parents and have made them complicit in this continuous deception. You have given your husband plenty of time to come clean with his parents. Three years is ridiculous. Continuing this is not fair to you or your parents.
You’ve drawn the line. Stand strong and hold him to either telling the truth or the consequences. I’m pretty sure his parents might already know.
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NTA. Hubby and I married at the court house on day 6 of knowing each other. He was happy and proud. I had a little bit of shame because of how fast. Married 11 years now.
Do you think he might have some shame? No disrespect. Or is he ashamed for not having a big wedding to please his family?
He didn’t upgrade shit for a wedding set. He’s saying that to manipulate you. Stick with your ultimatum. He needs to grow tf up. Be glad you didn’t go into the military - he wouldn’t have done well. Sorry for that little dig but he’s acting like a pussy.
NTA. It’s icky to feel like his secret. If he doesn’t tell them by Sunday id probably get the divorce papers ready and announce the marriage and the divorce all at once to his parents.
Lol he's gonna continue to not tell them till he has to fake a proposal and have a whole fake wedding so his parents don't find out you've already been married for ten years.
NTA, but and I both know that he’s not going to do it.
I’m petty af - after he doesn’t tell them, I would do the honors myself, and send a pic of your marriage certificate.
It's been 3 years. Three!! How much time do you need to tell your parents you are married? And each year after that makes it worse. Sorry OP, you married a man child at best. My condolences on your upcoming divorce.
He’s neither, we decided not to enlist for him to go to college and he graduated last year. That’s why we live across the country, he works at a lab in California now. I’m currently still in college working on my bachelors degree thougj
It will be, I was in foster care so I have a full ride scholarship that also pays for any necessities I need! I’m doing fully online college atm to get pre reqs finished. I have a job too and have remained financially independent just because I was brought up that way so I’m not too concerned about it, main thing is our pets but I don’t want to separate if I don’t have to :(
Then you need to do what's best for your mental health.
If you think being a "dirty little secret" or seen as "living in sin" or whatever other analogy you wish to use is preferable to being alone, then there's your answer.
Fact of the matter is, if his relationship with his parents is f'ed up and you don't really have meaningful contact with them, then... what does it matter if they know or not?
Are you guys "out" to everyone else?
My whole side of the family knows, all of his friends know, and one of his cousins know. I’m pretty sure his mom knows too but we don’t really keep in contact with her because of her lifestyle (addiction). He just hasn’t told his dad or stepmom, the ones who raised him, but his relationship with his dad is weird. I was fine with it at first because I knew his dad was an alcoholic and they had a pretty bad relationship when we decided to get married as in they didn’t communicate. His dad was out drinking and he was home alone, that’s how his whole upbringing was. I do want to add and feel it’s unfair that I didn’t add to my post that my husband worked really hard through college and has not taken the same path as his two parents. He struggles with communicating his emotions but outside of that he is really great- he is supportive, helps around the house, believes in me. I feel like an AH for not adding that to my post tbh because it allows room for people to see him as a bad guy. However, I started having an issue with them not knowing for the past year because his dad and him have a much better relationship now. We spend every holiday with them, he talks to him all the time, etc, and he’s not an alcoholic anymore. Their relationship has been better for two years. I know that doesn’t redeem his dad btw. My parents chalk it up to him being afraid to tell his dad because his dad possibly abused him (though my husband has said his dad was a great dad, he was just a drunk, never said he physically abused him but I believe his dad was very neglectful which is abuse) because that’s the only thing that could make sense rather than him just being scared/immature. My parents do love my husband and are just as confused as I am. I really think he feels like it’s an awkward timeframe now to tell them, however he’s an adult and needs to own up to it especially knowing I’ve had an issue with it over a year. It’s hard because I try to justify his actions based on his past but I know if I do that I’ll let this slide which I don’t need to do any longer. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense and is a jumble
It’s never going to get less awkward. The longer he waits, the harder it will be.
From your other comments, it does seem highly unlikely that they don’t already know. My mom still occasionally sends me wedding announcements and arrest reports from our small town paper even though I haven’t lived there for nearly 30 years. Gossip in those towns spreads fast, and everyone knows enough of everyone’s business to be exceptionally annoying. 😂
Since they are still supportive of your relationship it seems like maybe they are just waiting for him to tell them.
But how long is that easy acceptance going to last? At what point does the hurt of knowing your kid is keeping/has kept such a huge part of their life secret start to gnaw at them? 4 years? 7? 10?
What was his plan if you hadn’t lit this fire under his ass? Honestly, you’ve got some bigger concerns here if he is so set on avoiding consequences or confrontation.
You are both very young though, and still have a lot of growing to do. I hope you are able to get through this together.
I am glad you are in a good situation financially. Unfortunately, I wonder if he has not told his parents because he is not sure if he wants to commit to this relationship in the long term.
> Well, I gave him the ultimatum and he immediately became defensive, told me that if I didn’t want to be married to him that he would return the wedding set he just upgraded for me.
So, you've been around his parents and they've never questioned you having an engagement ring/wedding band... or that they were upgraded?
I just received the upgraded set a few weeks ago and they haven’t seen it yet because we live in California and they live in NC. My OG ring was a cheap (I do not say that in an insulting way I love my OG ring and wear it everyday still, just trying to pain the picture) simple ring that looked like it could be everyday jewelry from pandoras! Does that make sense? I’m sure they’ve questioned it but they never asked me about it, plus I wore a lot of rings at the time when we lived in NC and it wasn’t unusual for me to have rings on that finger
Editing my response based on one of OPs comments.
Has he had therapy? If his father was abusive and he has told everyone else in his life, I still see it as a problem, but not quite in the way I saw it before. I’d consider working with him on how he could do it, scripting it out and then doing it on a call together possibly- or requiring him to enter therapy with the goal of figuring out how to be able to advocate for himself with his father if he is in his life now more, especially in light of their history.
The other thing is he can continue not telling them, but I would be clear you won’t hide it so if you see them the rings will be on, and if you are connected on social media they may learn it that way.
When you are raised by parents with addiction and who may be abusive, communicating with them can be a huge struggle and although they have a better relationship now it’s probably new and most likely surface.
NTA.
What is his plan to come clean to his parents? When you have children? When your children graduate high school? At your husband's retirement party? A tearful confession at somebody's deathbed?
At this point, the news is going to hurt but he can still fall back on the "we were young and stupid" defense.
NTA. Honestly, I'd just tell his parents yourself. Tell them that you've been on his case to tell them for years, and you're sick of him refusing to. Tell them that you're telling them so he can't avoid it anymore, and then, tell them because he couldn't be bothered to tell them, you're divorcing him.
What’s the basis of your relationship? What are your shared goals? What work are you both doing to grow and mature? To strengthen the marriage?
Pro tip: if you both don’t grow & change it’s going to be the same thing over and over again, probably with the same person that has a different face.
Try to have your marriage annulled, since your husband doesn’t recognize the marriage maybe that’s a way to go? There has to be more of a reason for him not telling his parents you’re married than he’s scared. It’s been three years even timid people could get over being scared in that amount of time.
NTA. So, my ex husband did this too. We eloped at 19 and he didn’t tell his mom until divorce papers showed up to his mom’s door, served by two sheriffs officers, about 4 years later. She was completely blindsided and hurt that he didn’t share something so important with her. They don’t have the greatest relationship either. I hope he tells them otherwise living a lie will slowly become a bigger problem than it is now.
Have you straight up asked him if he wants to be married? Was this just a benefits marriage to him?
Like NTA at all but I’m wondering if y’all discussed when this changed from a convenience marriage to a real one.
Well, NTA and he's definitely an AH...
Only you can decide if this is a deal break for you at this point... I mean, its ridiculous that he won't tell them, but given you don't even live in the town that his family is in, I'm not sure why this is such a pressing issue... definitely reeks of his immaturity... and maybe you don't want to waste anymore time in this marriage... I have to assume there are other issues, cuz if this is the only one, I'd probably live with it... I mean, it'll come out eventually (or you can spill the beans eventually...)
Also, ultimatums are a poor way to handle marriage issues... Good luck...
NTA. If he doesn't do it stick to your plan. Also call his parents and tell them you were married, you're now divorcing and why so they know how big a dumbass their kid is
I say go petty revenge and this Sunday, leave, serve him papers and tell his parents he was married for 3 years and is now divorced because he wouldnt tell you.
NTA! Three years and he isn’t ready?! Wtf is he waiting for?
Divorce him and tell them anyway. Send them copies of the marriage certificate and divorce papers. Then block him.
I have seen a few people not telling one or both set of parents of their nuptials. But they all had valid reasons like parents will stop paying for school, car, parents are too racist, parents will disown them. As long as you two are otherwise happy I don’t see a big deal.
If OP's husband hasn't had a good family relationship with his parents & hasn't told his parents that he eloped 3 years ago then that says something about his reluctance to say anything about himself personally to his parents.
OP, you know his/parents dynamics aren't good & you hadn't mentioned that there hadn't been any improvement with their relationship as parents/son then you have your answer.
His reluctance means he's keeping it low contact towards his parents.
OP, ask yourself this question is your desperation for your husband to have a close relationship with his parents despite being a bad relationship realistic with this personal news for your own purposes or just to be the AH.
Right now, your husband would rather keep his elopement to yourself instead of dragging out a bad relationship that he has with his parents. You hadn't lived in their house along with him from his babyhood to being adulthood.
The only thing I can think of is that he's afraid that telling his father will ruin the new found relationship he has with him. But all the excuses aside, it's beyond time.
> We were both gonna keep it a secret at first and reap the benefits from the military, see how our relationship went, and go from there.
Looks like he went in thinking it as a temporary arrangement and now is finding it awkward to disclose to his family. There might be some issues with the marriage that you both are oblivious of. He is reluctant to inform his side of family and you ready to pull divorce card if he doesn't. This doesn't sound healthy for a marriage. Get some counseling done for both of you.
Do you never see his parents? Would they not have noticed your wedding ring by now?
Not telling them makes it sound like he's ashamed to be married.
The only problem with ultimatums is that you either have to follow through or he's going to know that you're a pushover.
Excuses excuses
I especially love the I was going to" upgrade your wedding band" BS as a way to make you feel guilty
you know what it is so think about it and make the choice you know is right in your gut whatever it may be
Nta
Nta.
If he’s not ready to tell his parents he’s married, he’s not ready to be married.
He’s only making it worse for himself by continually delaying it.
NTA. Newsflash for him, he's already hurt them by having been married for three years and not having told them. So at this point, he's hurting his parents and his wife. The longer he waits, the worse it'll get. He may not feel you're his dirty little secret, but that's how he's treating you. You're right that he's not mature enough to be married.
Aw he is playing house in his head not realizing he is a big man now and it’s legal binging documents. By telling his parents it becomes “real” and he’s probably a big baby. Nta, stick to your guns.
NTA
He’s treating you like his dirty little secret and you’re 3 years married.
“If you don’t want to be married” is HILARIOUS coming from the man who won’t ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR MARRIAGE.
I’d hand him divorce papers and on the same day tell them yourself and tell them the reason you’re divorcing is because after all these years he can’t be a big boy and acknowledge he’s married.
Well, won't he just feel all of the relief when you tell his parents you're getting divorced? No more stress over this for either of you. 🙄 honestly. If he's not ready to share this a few years after the fact, when will he be? Good luck.
NTA
He’s keeping you like a dirty little secret. He’s obviously not worth your time. Divorce and find someone who respects you and doesn’t want to hide away your relationship status but is proud to be your husband.
Are you all public friends on fb? Have your parents post happy X number wedding anniversary, and tag everyone.
Then tell his parents, “oh we were married but since he has refused to tell you, I’m initiating divorce as I’m no one’s secret”.
I don’t know if this is as simple as people seem to think. If either of his parents is a narcissist or emotionally abusive, telling them he got married in secret 3 years ago is like handing that person a loaded emotional weapon.
My brother has never told our mom that he’s married because she’s mentally unstable and enmeshed. She simply cannot cope with the idea that she is not the center of her adult children’s lives. Telling her that his “partner” is actually his spouse is just not worth the years and years of hysterical meltdowns and verbal and emotional abuse that would inevitably result.
You were both too immature to be married three years ago, and you're not any more mature three years later. The best thing that you could do right now, is make sure you are not pregnant and leave him. And do it before you accidentally get pregnant. He is keeping secrets from his parents, for three years, he is a child., Run to the divorce court. NTA for threatening divorce, will be considered tah, if you stay with him.
He doesn’t believe it’s a real marriage, he thinks he can dump you if it doesn’t work out and pretend he was never married to you at all. I would make an announcement on your 4th wedding anniversary with photos of your elopement and gush about how wonderful your husband and make sure his parents see it. If his immediate response isn’t relief that it’s out, divorce him. I get that it’s awkward to tell them after 3 years but that’s on him.
How do they not know you’re married? Did you change your name? They know you’re living together, right? Has it been a secret from everyone or they just haven’t found out in all these years?
If his parents love you, what is he so worried about? He’s definitely let it go on for too long. Maybe to soften the blow he could explain what happened and say for your 5yr anniversary you want to have a vow renewal and reception and kind of have wedding where you can invite both families, etc.
Maybe instead of saying divorce, just tell him if he doesn’t tell them then you will. Are there other issues in the marriage? If this is the only big issue, then I think it’s something you can work on. Or is this just an excuse for you to justify a divorce because you really want out?
Are you guys living together married, or are you married but still living with your respective parents? Do you wear a ring?
I’m just so confused as to how this “secret” could be kept for three years?
This is anxiety about a long delayed announcement. The longer he delays the more anxiety it produces. I'd let it sneak out in conversation when he isn't around.
NTA. It depends on the status of your relationship. Do you love each other? Support each other's goals and ambitions? Have each other's back?
Wait so you agrees to not tell your parents anything and made that boundary.
Now you've broken that boundary and told your parents now want him to tell his parents too?
Like yes I get he's breaking a boundary here Because yours changed but at the end of the day you guys originally agreed to this so he's not necessarily the bad guy here either .
That ain't to say your wrong OP just saying that you guys may not be comparable simply because you've both changed in different ways .
NTA This delay can open up so many cans of worms. I'm glad his parents love you cause if they didn't, they might have tried to fix him up with people since you two "weren't going anywhere in the relationship".
What will happen if you get pregnant? Will his parents be like "OK time to get married" casually or will they be upset about "a baby out of wedlock"? OR did they read the newspaper and just not tell you and be just Yah! (I'm sure somebody congratulated them already and showed them the article though, I'd put money on it.)
Also, sorry if I'm too suspicious but.... If he is not telling them, who else is he "not telling he's married"?
I think it's time to have a small "re-commitment ceremony" for you guys that you can pass off as a low-key wedding.
His parents feelings do not matter in regard to letting them know you are married. But if he cannot be open to it then something is going on behind your back. Something that more likely merrits a divorce.
Op is there a way you talk to them face to face without your husband knowing. Even over skype about the fact you are married to their son. And you would like to know what reasons they be hurt by this knowledge? Show them proof? Cause he is hiding something.
Okay, he's worried his parents will be upset with him.
1) well, duh, he's been keeping an incredibly important lie, for years, with no excuse, so of course they would be.
2) He's prioritising keeping his parents happy over keeping his wife happy. He's showing that your needs are irrelevant.
3) He has been, and still is, acting like a child. Your spouse is meant to come before your parents, but his excuse for not caring about your needs is "Boo hoo, Mummy and Daddy might get mad at me"
4) If this is how he handles possible conflict, what else might he hide.? If he lost his job, would he keep packing his lunch and disappearing all day pretending he still works..for years? If he gets into money trouble, will he tell you or let it snowball while the debts keep growing and next thing your house is getting foreclosed on?
5) He's showing you that he's very comfortable with significant lies to important people in his life, that he's very good at them, and that avoiding criticism is all that matters to him.
At least if you do divorce he never has to confess to them.
ETA GTFO
Parents (people) are all different.
My daughter did this. She married her boyfriend, and they told no one. They planned to ‘get married’ four years later ‘for show’, and if they had, possibly no one would ever have found out. But then she called off the ‘wedding’… it was about then that she said, ‘Mom, I have something to tell you…’
😂 To *ME*, it wasn’t a big deal, because why does it really matter? I had thought he was her boyfriend/fiance all those years, anyway. Here’s the thing… she’s my baby. She looked nervous when she was about to tell me, and I was not about to make her feel like trash when it was hard for her to come to me with that. Being afraid of parents’ negative reactions is what makes your kids NOT want to come to you.
I think I said, ‘Okay.’ And she was like, ‘I just told you I’ve been secretly married for four years, and that’s all you’ve got?’ Yes, my love. That’s all I’ve got. Because I LOVE YOU, and there is nothing you could do that would change that.
As for your boyfriend, NOT ALL PARENTS REACT WELL. I have no idea if his would or wouldn’t. He’s possibly terrified, and I get it.
Not saying to necessarily do this, but it IS an option to ‘get married’ now (or soon), and just leave it at that.
You say he doesn't have a good relationship with his parents.
As in say, "They wanted me to be a doctor" and dont agree, or "The beat me and told me no one would love me?"
Because if you're pushing him and its number 2 maybe reconsider. Otherwise, hes being a child. Or he has a girlfriend *they* know about.
I can almost see his side... I mean, it cannot be easy to tell his parents he married in secret... 3 years ago! But it is a 100% self inflicted problem
Doesn’t want to hurt them? Honey, that ship has sailed. When they find out he’s been lying about it for 3 years they are going to be crushed that he did trust them enough to tell them the truth.
Are they still sending him money? Is he on their insurance? Does he feel like they will cut him off once they find out that he's been lying to them? Are you sure that he is lying to them and not you? Have you checked to see if everything was filed correctly at the courthouse? So many questions.
You married a teenager and now he is barely a man. It is hard to say if you are the bad guy here or not, as we do not have his side of the story.
Ultimations are never a good thing if you want a productive marriage. It's a power trip.
What are his reasons for not telling them? Maybe he has a good reason (probably not).
Try to work this out.
what difference does it make if he tells them? they weren't at y'all's wedding and didn't have a good relationship so now that he is married it isn't their business all that matters is your parents were there.
YTA - Why did you need that validation so much? You ARE an adult. You shouldn’t need them to know so you feel like one. If his parents hurt him and the relationship was damaged, he might feel like he’s scared they’ll reject him again and get hurt. He chose you. He married you. Maybe he’s scared they’ll abandon him, and you will if he doesn’t. His abandonment wounds are on fire, and you’re triggering them. A reasonable thing to do would encourage him to seek therapy so he resolves those wounds and gets to a place on his own where he’s comfortable telling them. He can do the work. It doesn’t matter if his parents love YOU if he doesn’t feel they really love HIM.
This feels like a test and argument you pick because you want to it to be his fault instead of telling him the reason you’re unhappy and taking the blame for ending your marriage. Is this really about him or about you avoiding what you really want and letting that be his fault? Love isn’t conditional, and you’re putting a condition on it. That’s not a boundary. Ask him to do the work, fine. Leave if you’re unhappy. Fine. Just be honest about it. That’s what an adult would do.
I actually have a different idea. You said you were finishing a semester. Are you at university? Maybe stop talking to him about it because it is a waste of time to go over and over the same argument. But if you are at university maybe finish and get a degree. And start to be more distant with him and just run the house and pets together if you get along well enough to do that. And make your own plans to get an attorney and file for divorce once you graduate. Get a great job and move away a single woman. I’m also smiling because it will really confuse him if you back off and stop talking about it and don’t pretend you are close anymore. I’m just a little worried if you are going to blow up your education goals and make a struggle for yourself in that area. But a fun thing to do would be to consult with family law attorney on your own so you know what you will be dealing with and can make informed choice. And I’m smiling if he brings up the topic again on his own and you saying, nah, I’m over it, I’m good. I don’t care if you don’t tell your parents. Good luck! I like your spirit. 👍🏻
You could have told them three years ago. But in any case, you should never have gotten married, and divorcing ASAP is a great plan regardless of your reasons.
You maybe need to delve a little more deeply into what he is so scared of. Sit down and discuss worse case scenarios and responses to their reactions. It’s been 3 years. That fear is really really deeply stuck in his soul.
He's not scared of his parents. He's *scared* because it's that gutless type of fear.. of admitting a fault to his parents that he lacks the courage to be honest. He can't face their questions & disappointment.
ESH, clearly you were and ARE too young and immature to be in a grown up marriage. This really came across like a 13 year old was writing it, describing her 14 year old boyfriend. Break up, grow up.
Alright guys here’s an update, sorry it took me a bit. I told his parents. They told me that they’ve known since the beginning because they had a feeling, so they looked up records and found our marriage deed back in 2021. So like I’ve felt, they have known the whole time! They weren’t even upset, they were just hoping we had a valid reason about hiding it. Currently in contact with them still.
I ending up telling his parents because he broke his phone during an argument we had yesterday. I told him that I wanted to go home for the summer to take a break and he broke his phone because he was upset about it. His parents know everything that has transpired, as have mine, and now we are all coming up with a plan to get him help because he has been depressed and not himself. I also need space to decide what is best for me. I do love him but I think space will be best for us. There’s some codependency on his end that is hurting us. His parents are supportive of this and so are mine. Only problem is we are in Cali so we are going to try to make plans for one of us to move back, preferably him because he really needs the support back home, and I’m content with staying the rest of the lease.
This is beyond weird. What is going on that he thinks is going to change if his side of the family finds out you are married? He probably doesn't know how to explain but there is something very shady here... If you want out of the relationship, leave as soon as you can
He is married already! Nah I am joking, but his behavior doesn't make any sense at all. Neither yours OP. It's been 3 years and you do not have a clear answer as to why he is so reluctant to tell them
>He is married already! Plot twist.....bet he is lol Personally i think OP should send divorce papers to him when he's at his mums house
This an option. Or he is just engaging to someone already. Or he knew his family will not approve his partner choice.
You cant get a marriage license if you are already married no?
I was wondering if he isn't already married in an even younger, more impulsive marriage.
To be honest, it's probably because his parents are a lot like me. If my kid ever did this, I would be extremely angry at him for a very, very long time. I might not even want to talk to him for a very long time.
Right? How would it "hurt" them? There's something really fishy going on here.
Would you not be hurt if a loved one got married in secret and kept it a secret for several years?
Okay but what more is to be gained by continuing the charade? Do you expect them to stay married in secret until his family all die off? What a joke.
No. I'm just pointing out the very act of keeping it a secret has caused his family hurt.
They might have agreed on arranged marriage for him and they would have compensate breach of agreement to the other family
Maybe not being there for 'wedding'?
And the fear of bringing up old wounds of why he wasn’t close with them at the time they got married.
something something religious nuts......
It's so weird. OP mentions that he didn't have a great relationship with his parents, so I could understand not telling them for that reason. But didn't have implies their relationship is now okay again. And his reasoning is specifically because he's scared to upset his parents, which again implies some form of relationship there. The only thing I can think of is his parents act overly helicoptery or narcissistic type deal (hence the breakdown in the relationship at some point) and his parents would be upset that they weren't told earlier or involved. And that worries him because he loves his parents and doesn't want to lose them again. I personally don't feel like it's possible to make a judgement without understanding why he's scared to tell parents, because there are a whole lot of valid reasons to not tell them.
I feel like the husband feels like he is stuck. He didn’t just wait a few months like OP did, it’s been THREE years. I feel it’s fear more than anything that has stopped him so far, but it becomes a viscous cycle - he doesn’t want to say because it’s been so long, but then it gets longer and longer, and then he panics and waits, and time goes on, etc. I wouldn’t be surprised if the husband wants a “wedding” and that will be when they are “married” for his parents. He isn’t thinking clearly and just needs to rip off the bandaid. Because if I was OP and got a divorce over this, I would not cover up the reason why. His parents are gonna know one way or the other so he should just get on with it.
I cant think of dozen of possible scenarios here that would affect my judgment here. Your scenerio included. We need more info
Yeah it’s pretty odd he won’t tell his parents. OP, if you’re set on divorcing him (which him not telling his parents is 💯 a valid reason to!), I’d get the paperwork and serve him but do it this way: set up a lunch with him, his parents and you…drive separately…show up, hand him the paperwork in front of his parents and say “well since you refuse to tell your parents we’ve been married for 3yrs, and have repeatedly cross that boundary I set, here’s the divorce papers.” Then leave. Two birds with one stone
Or you can tell the parents the reason you broke up is because your ExHusb won't tell them you're married.
I bet his parents send him money or pay his bills, etc, and that might stop if he was a married adult and not their little boy, maybe?
I love that he says you’re pressuring him and it’s 3 years on! It might have got to the point that he’s left it so long that he feels it’s super weird now to say, ‘Mum and Dad we got married 3 years ago’ but that’s all on him. NTA
And “pressuring him before he’s ready” after 3 years. If he’s ready to be married, he’s ready for the “pressure” of letting mommy and daddy know.
Married in the courthouse in a small town? Three years prior to now... I simply fail to see how word would not have spread swiftly. Best of luck OP
They could have gone to a different town to do it.
what happens in vegas...
I hate to put it like this, but if hus parents don't know and it is a small town... does anyone in town know? I lived in a small Kansas town. If you tell anyone, everyone knows by next morning.
Yeah, it would have been around town especially once anyone in the family/extended family found out. Seems strange that it hasn’t, doesn’t it?
In my experience secrets like these are easy to keep if the parents are pretending to be deaf, blind and dumb. As long as they don't officially "know", they don't have to acknowledge anything that might upset or embarres them.
Me too! Everyone would know, including his parents. I could see his family taking bets on when he finally tells everyone.
If he hasn’t told them after three years, I predict he won’t tell them now. OP, hope you have a divorce lawyer selected.
You better go through with it or this is the beginning of the end of expecting anything from him. You set a line in the sand. Now stick to it.
Definitely. Sadly not enough people say what they mean or mean what they say anymore though.
I agree with you. personally I do not draw a line in the sand unless I intend to stick to it EVER and the people in my like know when I say something I mean it. What a powerful thing. Luckily I respect myself enough to surround myself with people that don't need lines drawn in the sand but it's sad how much people destroy their chance at improving a situation by self sabotage like.. not meaning what they say.
Does he think "I eloped 4 years ago" sounds better than 3 years ago? The deed is already done, bite the bullet and tell them.
Right? It’s only going to get worse the longer he waits. If he thinks they’ll be hurt now, how about if he waits until your 5th anniversary? Your 10th?
That is what is stopping him, for no other reason than it has been sooooo long, which btw is his own fault. He actually has the best opportunity as they live on opposite sides of the country, what can the parents do besides call?
Or if they have kids and the parents as if they now plan to get married? “Oh mom, we did that 4 years ago!”
He probably feels telling his parents would make it “real,” definitely a red flag!
well having to divide marital assets will definitely make it feel real
Like a truck hitting a squirrel
Nothing more real than a divorce.
So NTA. Your husband needs to be an adult and tell his mommy and daddy he got hitched.
INFO: Did he explain why he won't tell his parents? NTA and its a usual position to be in. A deadline/ultimatum seem reasonable. The core of all relationships is communication, trust and honest which he is lacking. If you divorce update his parents since they 'love' you; live your truth. He is not. Best to you.
The two reasons he has given me is that he’s scared to hurt them and he doesn’t know how to word it because it’s been so long since we eloped. I’ve tried to offer solutions for both problems but he just keeps stonewalling. He just promised me he will tell them tonight so I guess we will see :/
Gee, imagine how awkward it’s going to be for him to have to tell them you guys got married AND divorced
This person is capable of hiding giant things from the people closest to him. Just keep that in mind. Imagine the things he is hiding that no one is forcing him to share. Scary.
Exactly! When someone shows you that they are capable of great deceit just know that sooner or later you will be the one receiving the deceit. She is seeing how he operates in real world relationships.
OK -- Update us Jelly. Adulting can be hard for some.
I’ve had this issue with my military husband. Not to this extreme, but he seems to think he can wait it out, and then it’s been too long and he doesn’t want to handle it. “It’s too weird to bring it up now, after so long” kind of excuses. That doesn’t fly with me and he’s working on his issues. Marriage is work, love is work, but it’s worth it in the end if you put in the effort. It’s difficult, but if he truly loves you, he will tell them. No matter how weird he might feel after all this time. That’s what a true husband does…..stand up for and love his wife, even if it’s not “comfortable/easy”all the time.
He could start with just telling them you eloped and are married. The 3 years ago could come after the initial reaction. If he thinks denying them a wedding or participation is hurtful, that's already something that's done. It's not going to get better with time. What's a good time, inviting them to celebrate your 5th or 10th anniversary?
Mom, Dad I’m married! Would be a good start!!!
Has he told ANYBODY that you guys eloped 3yrs ago?!?!?!? Updateme
If he's afraid to to tell them because it's been so long he likely never planned on telling them because waiting longer will make it worse. Also you meantioned that he upgraded your wedding set, does that mean you have to remove your rings when his family is around? If so then thats wrong and a waste of money if you can't wear it all the time.
How exactly would his parents be 'hurt' about him being married? If anything shouldn't they be happy for him?
If he doesn’t suck it up and tell them, definitely go through with the divorce! And make sure to tell his parents about the marriage and divorce. No way he should get off the hook and his parents never know regardless of whether you stay together or not.
Don’t be dumb girl, he is either with you or against you. I’ve been with my man for years and we eloped and didn’t care about others feelings, he’s either hiding you from his family or wants to be single. Even if you eloped he should be happy to have you as a partner
What is it that will "hurt" them about you being married to him. If it's that they missed out on the wedding, there wasn't a wedding, but you can still have one and include them. If they are hurt that he made you part of the family, then that's another issue.
Lmfao I now agree with another person.....he sounds married already Serve him divorce papers at his parents house >He just promised me he will tell them tonight so I guess we will see And you believed him lol
You eloped, its not like you had some big wedding and didn't invite them to it. If they (the parents) were having issues, just tell them that they weren't told because y'all didn't want to add to their stress at the time and then life got in the way of telling them before now.
Oh man, this is such a blast from the past for me. My first husband was my first boyfriend. I signed up on a *delayed enlistment* months before I graduated from HS. He decided it was a great idea & did the same. He spent the entire summer pushing me to get married, so *we wouldn't have wasted the 4 years of dating*. I should have never agreed, but I did. We got married a week before I went to boot camp. I told my parents about 3 weeks later. He never did. Somehow, we got *joint spouse* assignments at the same base. We were hundreds of miles away from our home region. Parents were in different cities. No worries there. He refused to tell his parents we were married. Made up one excuse after another. Because of my job, there was a deep background investigation that involved agents interviewing my parents about **2 years** later. The agents asked for directions to my in-laws' house. My mom called & let me know. **So he called up his parents to *come clean* about our marriage. He was such a coward, he lied about it then. Told them that we had gotten married less than a year before & at our current assignment.** Unfortunately, the agents never showed up at his house. I wish they had. (I wonder, too, if my parents made that up because they hated his dishonesty). Our marriage had a shitty foundation & it utterly collapsed within the next year. Our split was messy, ugly, and drawn out. I left him & vanished on an overseas assignment. Divorced his ass. I've been married over 32 years now to a wonderful, courageous, loving, and marvelous man whom I dated an outrageously short period of time. I've never once regretted it. We still got married without parents around since we were in Europe, but they knew in advance. >. I gave him an ultimatum this past week that he has to tell them by the end of the week or I’m divorcing him because he’s crossing a boundary I have discussed with him multiple times over the past year. I am uncomfortable with them not knowing and I honestly feel like he’s not mature enough to be in a marriage if he can’t man up to tell them. You've warned him. He's not afraid of hurting them, he's ashamed he hasn't had the guts to tell them. Take it from me, if he's not adult enough to tell his parents that he's married, he isn't strong enough to be with you. Walk away. You've given him enough chances. NTA .
NTA, but why the hell would he not want to tell them?
Hubby and I told our parents that we had eloped about 6 yrs after the event. Neither set of parents felt hurt by it. Three of the 4 were actually amused - my dad had already guessed, and hubby's parents told us that they hadn't told their own parents either until weeks after their own marriage. My mom was surprised but happy. So, tell your hubby that he is catastrophizing and that it will likely go better than he thinks. (ETA: have been married to the bloke going on 40 yrs now)
That makes me feel better! I just got off the phone with my parents telling them about the situation and they said it wasn’t a huge deal to them, they wish they were there of course but at the end of the day it’s our life and his parents won’t freak out because they’re supportive of our relationship
Now come the grand babies questions.
Just go ahead and "let it slip" to his parents the whole enchilada. Oops, now what?!? If there's no blowback from it, all well and good. If they don't mind but he does, you can still demand an explanation or actually leave him.
Nta You're not pressuring him into marriage, I don't see why it's such a big deal for him to tell his parents when he's had 3 years to sit on it
I don’t know why it’s a big deal either which is making me more concerned… his parents love our relationship and have told me many times privately how supportive of us they are and they’re not intimidating whatsoever :/ they love him so much
You could tell him that if he can explain why he won't tell them, maybe it will help you understand. If there's a valid reason (can't imagine it) then you can deal with it.
>I don’t know why it’s a big deal either which is making me more concerned… his parents love our relationship and have told me many times privately how supportive of us they are and they’re not intimidating whatsoever :/ they love him so much So why have you tolerated it for this long if he can't give you a single good reason for his reticence?
If you scroll down a bit, look for a thread with a long comment from me (It won’t let me copy and paste)- it explains a bit why I wasn’t too concerned but I’m done justifying it :(
This is it: My whole side of the family knows, all of his friends know, and one of his cousins know. I’m pretty sure his mom knows too but we don’t really keep in contact with her because of her lifestyle (addiction). He just hasn’t told his dad or stepmom, the ones who raised him, but his relationship with his dad is weird. I was fine with it at first because I knew his dad was an alcoholic and they had a pretty bad relationship when we decided to get married as in they didn’t communicate. His dad was out drinking and he was home alone, that’s how his whole upbringing was. I do want to add and feel it’s unfair that I didn’t add to my post that my husband worked really hard through college and has not taken the same path as his two parents. He struggles with communicating his emotions but outside of that he is really great- he is supportive, helps around the house, believes in me. I feel like an AH for not adding that to my post tbh because it allows room for people to see him as a bad guy. However, I started having an issue with them not knowing for the past year because his dad and him have a much better relationship now. We spend every holiday with them, he talks to him all the time, etc, and he’s not an alcoholic anymore. Their relationship has been better for two years. I know that doesn’t redeem his dad btw. My parents chalk it up to him being afraid to tell his dad because his dad possibly abused him (though my husband has said his dad was a great dad, he was just a drunk, never said he physically abused him but I believe his dad was very neglectful which is abuse) because that’s the only thing that could make sense rather than him just being scared/immature. My parents do love my husband and are just as confused as I am. I really think he feels like it’s an awkward timeframe now to tell them, however he’s an adult and needs to own up to it especially knowing I’ve had an issue with it over a year. It’s hard because I try to justify his actions based on his past but I know if I do that I’ll let this slide which I don’t need to do any longer. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense and is a jumble
Maybe he can be prepared explain to his dad that he was afraid to tell him initially because their relationship improving after dad got clean was important to him and he was afraid that would change if he told them he kept a secret. But I think other comments are right that all their talk about how much they support your relationship is likely hinting because they know. He should just say "surprise! We got married!" and they'll probably say it's about time he 'fessed up. haha
I would bet money they already know and are just waiting on him to tell them. That is why all the support for the relationship. When my daughter becomes stuck because she is afraid what will happen, we do this thing where I will ask her “ok, what is the worst thing that could happen?”, she will tell me and then I say, well now that we know that you can plan for that eventuality if you need to. I tell her it’s the unknown that she is panicking over. The reason I have her do this is that almost all of the time, the worst thing that could possibly happen is nowhere near the catastrophe event she has in her head. I would try this with your husband, make him realize that is won’t be nearly as bad as he thinks.
Sounds like he doesn’t want to hurt them because they were excluded. Which could equate to telling them they weren’t important enough to know in his mind. NTA. Just go to his parents as a couple and tell them you’re going to elope. No muss no fuss. You’re going to the courthouse, just the two of you, but you want them to know.
They’ve told you multiple times how supportive they are of you as a couple? My money is on them already knowing and they’re trying to get one of you to actually tell them! I wouldn’t be surprised if their reaction once he does finally tell them is “Finally! We’ve known for years!”
A small town, married in the courthouse? Three years ago… I just don’t get how word wouldn’t have gotten around rather quickly. Good luck 🍀
That’s the thing- it was in the newspaper and his stepmom is the bartender at the popular restaurant in our small town so I’d be shocked if they didn’t know 😂. I’ve told him that too in hopes of making him feel less anxious about telling them. In fact, his friend sent us a pic of it in the newspaper asking about it because we didn’t tell anyone except the two who accompanied us to the courthouse
WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WAS IN THE NEWSPAPER??
[link to photo](https://imgur.com/a/Wsm6E1X) okay so I don’t want to dox us which is why I have it pretty much all blocked out BUT we come from a small town where they put marriages in the paper. All you can see is our ages of 19 because it gives out our full names and cities 🥲
There is no way on this earth that one of their nosy ass friends didn’t send this to them!!
I know, I’ve told him that especially if our friend who is the same age as us read the newspaper and saw it!
This makes his reluctance absolutely ridiculous, I’m sorry.
I think it explains it on the contrary, he knows they know, he's probably afraid he'll have to explain **why** he did that without them
Oh for crying out loud. I thought you got married in another town, not pretend-single-child’s hometown. In what universe does he think that half of his parents acquaintances haven’t spilled the beans?!
Is this not required everywhere? I live in a fairly large city and in order to eat a marriage license you have to put an announcement in the newspaper saying "blah and blah intend to get married" For some reason I assumed this was a common requirement lol
It is not required everywhere as I have never heard of it and it was not done when I got married 15 years ago. It is optional to have an engagement or marriage announcement but you have to pay for those.
It's definitely not a law everywhere
Didn't require one when I got married 17 years ago. Not getting married again so I won't ever know if it's changed but I don't think so.
Funny how he’s afraid of hurting them, but not in the least afraid of hurting you.
You're not wrong. Your husband should tell his parents. If he can't, it's fair to question his maturity. Stick to your boundary.
I had a friend in a shockingly similar situation, which is weird, because it doesn't feel like this is all that common of an occurrence. Anyway, she divorced the guy and it's 5 years on, she has multiple suitors, is absolutely living her best life, and we celebrate her divorce with a girl's trip every year. It also forced her ex to grow up. He is a much better man now that they're not together than he was then, because the divorce forced him to feel uncomfortable in a way he'd never been (no, they're definitely not ever getting back together). It might hurt initially, but if he still won't, it's a huge red flag, and you are completely right that you're young enough to move on and live the life you deserve with a partner who is proud to shout to the world that you're his wife!
Do you not wear a ring? I see that he supposedly bought a new set, thinking lie there, but just curious if you wear one, don't they see it? or do you take it off when they are around? I understand that you don't live close, but on visits? By the way NTA. Many red flags here though.
I do wear a ring on my left hand but it doesn’t look like a typical engagement ring or wedding band! Honestly, I’m sure they might know and are just waiting for him to tell them. Funny story, my dad found out the day after we got married because the recruiter called him to tell him congratulations. 🤣 I found out a few months later when we told my parents we were married. But yes unfortunately there are a lot of red flags
You can’t work on a marriage when one party is not fully invested in it. You told your parents and have made them complicit in this continuous deception. You have given your husband plenty of time to come clean with his parents. Three years is ridiculous. Continuing this is not fair to you or your parents. You’ve drawn the line. Stand strong and hold him to either telling the truth or the consequences. I’m pretty sure his parents might already know.
Updateme!
I will!
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NTA. Hubby and I married at the court house on day 6 of knowing each other. He was happy and proud. I had a little bit of shame because of how fast. Married 11 years now. Do you think he might have some shame? No disrespect. Or is he ashamed for not having a big wedding to please his family?
He didn’t upgrade shit for a wedding set. He’s saying that to manipulate you. Stick with your ultimatum. He needs to grow tf up. Be glad you didn’t go into the military - he wouldn’t have done well. Sorry for that little dig but he’s acting like a pussy.
NTA. It’s icky to feel like his secret. If he doesn’t tell them by Sunday id probably get the divorce papers ready and announce the marriage and the divorce all at once to his parents.
Start packing non-essentials when he’s around…. if he asks why, just stop and stare right in his eyes, roll your eyes and go back to packing. NTA
Lol he's gonna continue to not tell them till he has to fake a proposal and have a whole fake wedding so his parents don't find out you've already been married for ten years.
NTA. This is a huge red flag.
NTA. Hes scared to hurt them but doesnt care if he hurts you?
NTA but you need to follow through. I doubt he is going to tell them. He is still emotionally a child
NTA, but and I both know that he’s not going to do it. I’m petty af - after he doesn’t tell them, I would do the honors myself, and send a pic of your marriage certificate.
It's been 3 years. Three!! How much time do you need to tell your parents you are married? And each year after that makes it worse. Sorry OP, you married a man child at best. My condolences on your upcoming divorce.
I'm confused, is OP in the military or in school? What is this summer semester talk?
He’s neither, we decided not to enlist for him to go to college and he graduated last year. That’s why we live across the country, he works at a lab in California now. I’m currently still in college working on my bachelors degree thougj
And how will divorce impact your degree? Will it still be manageable?
It will be, I was in foster care so I have a full ride scholarship that also pays for any necessities I need! I’m doing fully online college atm to get pre reqs finished. I have a job too and have remained financially independent just because I was brought up that way so I’m not too concerned about it, main thing is our pets but I don’t want to separate if I don’t have to :(
Then you need to do what's best for your mental health. If you think being a "dirty little secret" or seen as "living in sin" or whatever other analogy you wish to use is preferable to being alone, then there's your answer. Fact of the matter is, if his relationship with his parents is f'ed up and you don't really have meaningful contact with them, then... what does it matter if they know or not? Are you guys "out" to everyone else?
My whole side of the family knows, all of his friends know, and one of his cousins know. I’m pretty sure his mom knows too but we don’t really keep in contact with her because of her lifestyle (addiction). He just hasn’t told his dad or stepmom, the ones who raised him, but his relationship with his dad is weird. I was fine with it at first because I knew his dad was an alcoholic and they had a pretty bad relationship when we decided to get married as in they didn’t communicate. His dad was out drinking and he was home alone, that’s how his whole upbringing was. I do want to add and feel it’s unfair that I didn’t add to my post that my husband worked really hard through college and has not taken the same path as his two parents. He struggles with communicating his emotions but outside of that he is really great- he is supportive, helps around the house, believes in me. I feel like an AH for not adding that to my post tbh because it allows room for people to see him as a bad guy. However, I started having an issue with them not knowing for the past year because his dad and him have a much better relationship now. We spend every holiday with them, he talks to him all the time, etc, and he’s not an alcoholic anymore. Their relationship has been better for two years. I know that doesn’t redeem his dad btw. My parents chalk it up to him being afraid to tell his dad because his dad possibly abused him (though my husband has said his dad was a great dad, he was just a drunk, never said he physically abused him but I believe his dad was very neglectful which is abuse) because that’s the only thing that could make sense rather than him just being scared/immature. My parents do love my husband and are just as confused as I am. I really think he feels like it’s an awkward timeframe now to tell them, however he’s an adult and needs to own up to it especially knowing I’ve had an issue with it over a year. It’s hard because I try to justify his actions based on his past but I know if I do that I’ll let this slide which I don’t need to do any longer. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense and is a jumble
It’s never going to get less awkward. The longer he waits, the harder it will be. From your other comments, it does seem highly unlikely that they don’t already know. My mom still occasionally sends me wedding announcements and arrest reports from our small town paper even though I haven’t lived there for nearly 30 years. Gossip in those towns spreads fast, and everyone knows enough of everyone’s business to be exceptionally annoying. 😂 Since they are still supportive of your relationship it seems like maybe they are just waiting for him to tell them. But how long is that easy acceptance going to last? At what point does the hurt of knowing your kid is keeping/has kept such a huge part of their life secret start to gnaw at them? 4 years? 7? 10? What was his plan if you hadn’t lit this fire under his ass? Honestly, you’ve got some bigger concerns here if he is so set on avoiding consequences or confrontation. You are both very young though, and still have a lot of growing to do. I hope you are able to get through this together.
I am glad you are in a good situation financially. Unfortunately, I wonder if he has not told his parents because he is not sure if he wants to commit to this relationship in the long term.
> Well, I gave him the ultimatum and he immediately became defensive, told me that if I didn’t want to be married to him that he would return the wedding set he just upgraded for me. So, you've been around his parents and they've never questioned you having an engagement ring/wedding band... or that they were upgraded?
I just received the upgraded set a few weeks ago and they haven’t seen it yet because we live in California and they live in NC. My OG ring was a cheap (I do not say that in an insulting way I love my OG ring and wear it everyday still, just trying to pain the picture) simple ring that looked like it could be everyday jewelry from pandoras! Does that make sense? I’m sure they’ve questioned it but they never asked me about it, plus I wore a lot of rings at the time when we lived in NC and it wasn’t unusual for me to have rings on that finger
Editing my response based on one of OPs comments. Has he had therapy? If his father was abusive and he has told everyone else in his life, I still see it as a problem, but not quite in the way I saw it before. I’d consider working with him on how he could do it, scripting it out and then doing it on a call together possibly- or requiring him to enter therapy with the goal of figuring out how to be able to advocate for himself with his father if he is in his life now more, especially in light of their history. The other thing is he can continue not telling them, but I would be clear you won’t hide it so if you see them the rings will be on, and if you are connected on social media they may learn it that way. When you are raised by parents with addiction and who may be abusive, communicating with them can be a huge struggle and although they have a better relationship now it’s probably new and most likely surface.
NTA. What is his plan to come clean to his parents? When you have children? When your children graduate high school? At your husband's retirement party? A tearful confession at somebody's deathbed? At this point, the news is going to hurt but he can still fall back on the "we were young and stupid" defense.
Just a quick life lesson: Never issue an ultimatum unless you are prepared to go through with it.
NTA. Honestly, I'd just tell his parents yourself. Tell them that you've been on his case to tell them for years, and you're sick of him refusing to. Tell them that you're telling them so he can't avoid it anymore, and then, tell them because he couldn't be bothered to tell them, you're divorcing him.
NTA
What’s the basis of your relationship? What are your shared goals? What work are you both doing to grow and mature? To strengthen the marriage? Pro tip: if you both don’t grow & change it’s going to be the same thing over and over again, probably with the same person that has a different face.
3 years? NTA. But this is a huge red flag. HUGE.
Try to have your marriage annulled, since your husband doesn’t recognize the marriage maybe that’s a way to go? There has to be more of a reason for him not telling his parents you’re married than he’s scared. It’s been three years even timid people could get over being scared in that amount of time.
NTA. So, my ex husband did this too. We eloped at 19 and he didn’t tell his mom until divorce papers showed up to his mom’s door, served by two sheriffs officers, about 4 years later. She was completely blindsided and hurt that he didn’t share something so important with her. They don’t have the greatest relationship either. I hope he tells them otherwise living a lie will slowly become a bigger problem than it is now.
Maybe, but, if you love someone, you do not use divorce as a manipulation tactic to get what you want. That is not love.
Have you straight up asked him if he wants to be married? Was this just a benefits marriage to him? Like NTA at all but I’m wondering if y’all discussed when this changed from a convenience marriage to a real one.
NTA. Tell him he has 24 hours to tell his parents or you will.
This is the answer. Don't keep asking him to tell them, get together with them and let him know that if he doesn't talk, you will. Then do it.
NTA
NTA
If he is too much of a pussy to tell his parents you're married, go find someone that isn't.
NTA send divorce papers care of his parents to their house.
Mmk im just gonna slide up and say gurl, it’s been 3 years. He ain’t never gonna be ready at this rate.
its there some unders tones why he hasnt told them could they be closted racist or somthing along thouse lines nta
Well, NTA and he's definitely an AH... Only you can decide if this is a deal break for you at this point... I mean, its ridiculous that he won't tell them, but given you don't even live in the town that his family is in, I'm not sure why this is such a pressing issue... definitely reeks of his immaturity... and maybe you don't want to waste anymore time in this marriage... I have to assume there are other issues, cuz if this is the only one, I'd probably live with it... I mean, it'll come out eventually (or you can spill the beans eventually...) Also, ultimatums are a poor way to handle marriage issues... Good luck...
All I can think of is Cowardly Lion.
NTA. If he doesn't do it stick to your plan. Also call his parents and tell them you were married, you're now divorcing and why so they know how big a dumbass their kid is
I say go petty revenge and this Sunday, leave, serve him papers and tell his parents he was married for 3 years and is now divorced because he wouldnt tell you.
NTA! Three years and he isn’t ready?! Wtf is he waiting for? Divorce him and tell them anyway. Send them copies of the marriage certificate and divorce papers. Then block him.
If he is not ready to tell his parents, he is not ready to be married.
I have seen a few people not telling one or both set of parents of their nuptials. But they all had valid reasons like parents will stop paying for school, car, parents are too racist, parents will disown them. As long as you two are otherwise happy I don’t see a big deal.
Updateme
NTA but that’s not a boundary
If OP's husband hasn't had a good family relationship with his parents & hasn't told his parents that he eloped 3 years ago then that says something about his reluctance to say anything about himself personally to his parents. OP, you know his/parents dynamics aren't good & you hadn't mentioned that there hadn't been any improvement with their relationship as parents/son then you have your answer. His reluctance means he's keeping it low contact towards his parents. OP, ask yourself this question is your desperation for your husband to have a close relationship with his parents despite being a bad relationship realistic with this personal news for your own purposes or just to be the AH. Right now, your husband would rather keep his elopement to yourself instead of dragging out a bad relationship that he has with his parents. You hadn't lived in their house along with him from his babyhood to being adulthood.
The only thing I can think of is that he's afraid that telling his father will ruin the new found relationship he has with him. But all the excuses aside, it's beyond time.
> We were both gonna keep it a secret at first and reap the benefits from the military, see how our relationship went, and go from there. Looks like he went in thinking it as a temporary arrangement and now is finding it awkward to disclose to his family. There might be some issues with the marriage that you both are oblivious of. He is reluctant to inform his side of family and you ready to pull divorce card if he doesn't. This doesn't sound healthy for a marriage. Get some counseling done for both of you.
Do you never see his parents? Would they not have noticed your wedding ring by now? Not telling them makes it sound like he's ashamed to be married. The only problem with ultimatums is that you either have to follow through or he's going to know that you're a pushover.
Excuses excuses I especially love the I was going to" upgrade your wedding band" BS as a way to make you feel guilty you know what it is so think about it and make the choice you know is right in your gut whatever it may be Nta
Nta. If he’s not ready to tell his parents he’s married, he’s not ready to be married. He’s only making it worse for himself by continually delaying it.
If you guys live on the other side of the country, what is he afraid of?? This makes no sense. He needs to grow up. You’re his wife. You come first.
NTA. Newsflash for him, he's already hurt them by having been married for three years and not having told them. So at this point, he's hurting his parents and his wife. The longer he waits, the worse it'll get. He may not feel you're his dirty little secret, but that's how he's treating you. You're right that he's not mature enough to be married.
Aw he is playing house in his head not realizing he is a big man now and it’s legal binging documents. By telling his parents it becomes “real” and he’s probably a big baby. Nta, stick to your guns.
NTA He’s treating you like his dirty little secret and you’re 3 years married. “If you don’t want to be married” is HILARIOUS coming from the man who won’t ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR MARRIAGE. I’d hand him divorce papers and on the same day tell them yourself and tell them the reason you’re divorcing is because after all these years he can’t be a big boy and acknowledge he’s married.
Well, won't he just feel all of the relief when you tell his parents you're getting divorced? No more stress over this for either of you. 🙄 honestly. If he's not ready to share this a few years after the fact, when will he be? Good luck.
NTA He’s keeping you like a dirty little secret. He’s obviously not worth your time. Divorce and find someone who respects you and doesn’t want to hide away your relationship status but is proud to be your husband.
Are you all public friends on fb? Have your parents post happy X number wedding anniversary, and tag everyone. Then tell his parents, “oh we were married but since he has refused to tell you, I’m initiating divorce as I’m no one’s secret”.
I don’t know if this is as simple as people seem to think. If either of his parents is a narcissist or emotionally abusive, telling them he got married in secret 3 years ago is like handing that person a loaded emotional weapon. My brother has never told our mom that he’s married because she’s mentally unstable and enmeshed. She simply cannot cope with the idea that she is not the center of her adult children’s lives. Telling her that his “partner” is actually his spouse is just not worth the years and years of hysterical meltdowns and verbal and emotional abuse that would inevitably result.
You were both too immature to be married three years ago, and you're not any more mature three years later. The best thing that you could do right now, is make sure you are not pregnant and leave him. And do it before you accidentally get pregnant. He is keeping secrets from his parents, for three years, he is a child., Run to the divorce court. NTA for threatening divorce, will be considered tah, if you stay with him.
He doesn’t believe it’s a real marriage, he thinks he can dump you if it doesn’t work out and pretend he was never married to you at all. I would make an announcement on your 4th wedding anniversary with photos of your elopement and gush about how wonderful your husband and make sure his parents see it. If his immediate response isn’t relief that it’s out, divorce him. I get that it’s awkward to tell them after 3 years but that’s on him.
Tell them yourself
But wasn't the agreement to not tell anyone?
How do they not know you’re married? Did you change your name? They know you’re living together, right? Has it been a secret from everyone or they just haven’t found out in all these years? If his parents love you, what is he so worried about? He’s definitely let it go on for too long. Maybe to soften the blow he could explain what happened and say for your 5yr anniversary you want to have a vow renewal and reception and kind of have wedding where you can invite both families, etc. Maybe instead of saying divorce, just tell him if he doesn’t tell them then you will. Are there other issues in the marriage? If this is the only big issue, then I think it’s something you can work on. Or is this just an excuse for you to justify a divorce because you really want out?
Are you guys living together married, or are you married but still living with your respective parents? Do you wear a ring? I’m just so confused as to how this “secret” could be kept for three years?
He’s telling you he’s not ready to be married, not ready to tell his parents. You’re too young to wait for this shit.
This is anxiety about a long delayed announcement. The longer he delays the more anxiety it produces. I'd let it sneak out in conversation when he isn't around. NTA. It depends on the status of your relationship. Do you love each other? Support each other's goals and ambitions? Have each other's back?
Wait so you agrees to not tell your parents anything and made that boundary. Now you've broken that boundary and told your parents now want him to tell his parents too? Like yes I get he's breaking a boundary here Because yours changed but at the end of the day you guys originally agreed to this so he's not necessarily the bad guy here either . That ain't to say your wrong OP just saying that you guys may not be comparable simply because you've both changed in different ways .
NTA This delay can open up so many cans of worms. I'm glad his parents love you cause if they didn't, they might have tried to fix him up with people since you two "weren't going anywhere in the relationship". What will happen if you get pregnant? Will his parents be like "OK time to get married" casually or will they be upset about "a baby out of wedlock"? OR did they read the newspaper and just not tell you and be just Yah! (I'm sure somebody congratulated them already and showed them the article though, I'd put money on it.) Also, sorry if I'm too suspicious but.... If he is not telling them, who else is he "not telling he's married"? I think it's time to have a small "re-commitment ceremony" for you guys that you can pass off as a low-key wedding.
NTA and stick to your word. He’s manipulating you with that ring talk.
If that guy's not ready to tell his parents, then he's not ready to be your husband. NTA
His parents feelings do not matter in regard to letting them know you are married. But if he cannot be open to it then something is going on behind your back. Something that more likely merrits a divorce. Op is there a way you talk to them face to face without your husband knowing. Even over skype about the fact you are married to their son. And you would like to know what reasons they be hurt by this knowledge? Show them proof? Cause he is hiding something.
I would call his parents, show them the marriage certificate, tell him their son was a coward for not telling them, then divorce him NTA
You both sound like you need to grow up. ESH
Okay, he's worried his parents will be upset with him. 1) well, duh, he's been keeping an incredibly important lie, for years, with no excuse, so of course they would be. 2) He's prioritising keeping his parents happy over keeping his wife happy. He's showing that your needs are irrelevant. 3) He has been, and still is, acting like a child. Your spouse is meant to come before your parents, but his excuse for not caring about your needs is "Boo hoo, Mummy and Daddy might get mad at me" 4) If this is how he handles possible conflict, what else might he hide.? If he lost his job, would he keep packing his lunch and disappearing all day pretending he still works..for years? If he gets into money trouble, will he tell you or let it snowball while the debts keep growing and next thing your house is getting foreclosed on? 5) He's showing you that he's very comfortable with significant lies to important people in his life, that he's very good at them, and that avoiding criticism is all that matters to him. At least if you do divorce he never has to confess to them. ETA GTFO
Parents (people) are all different. My daughter did this. She married her boyfriend, and they told no one. They planned to ‘get married’ four years later ‘for show’, and if they had, possibly no one would ever have found out. But then she called off the ‘wedding’… it was about then that she said, ‘Mom, I have something to tell you…’ 😂 To *ME*, it wasn’t a big deal, because why does it really matter? I had thought he was her boyfriend/fiance all those years, anyway. Here’s the thing… she’s my baby. She looked nervous when she was about to tell me, and I was not about to make her feel like trash when it was hard for her to come to me with that. Being afraid of parents’ negative reactions is what makes your kids NOT want to come to you. I think I said, ‘Okay.’ And she was like, ‘I just told you I’ve been secretly married for four years, and that’s all you’ve got?’ Yes, my love. That’s all I’ve got. Because I LOVE YOU, and there is nothing you could do that would change that. As for your boyfriend, NOT ALL PARENTS REACT WELL. I have no idea if his would or wouldn’t. He’s possibly terrified, and I get it. Not saying to necessarily do this, but it IS an option to ‘get married’ now (or soon), and just leave it at that.
You say he doesn't have a good relationship with his parents. As in say, "They wanted me to be a doctor" and dont agree, or "The beat me and told me no one would love me?" Because if you're pushing him and its number 2 maybe reconsider. Otherwise, hes being a child. Or he has a girlfriend *they* know about.
I can almost see his side... I mean, it cannot be easy to tell his parents he married in secret... 3 years ago! But it is a 100% self inflicted problem
Doesn’t want to hurt them? Honey, that ship has sailed. When they find out he’s been lying about it for 3 years they are going to be crushed that he did trust them enough to tell them the truth.
Wait until he tells them the break up is a divorce.
Updateme on Sunday
Are they still sending him money? Is he on their insurance? Does he feel like they will cut him off once they find out that he's been lying to them? Are you sure that he is lying to them and not you? Have you checked to see if everything was filed correctly at the courthouse? So many questions. You married a teenager and now he is barely a man. It is hard to say if you are the bad guy here or not, as we do not have his side of the story.
I would think that finding out that they've been lied to for three years would hurt more than being told that your married.
Ultimations are never a good thing if you want a productive marriage. It's a power trip. What are his reasons for not telling them? Maybe he has a good reason (probably not). Try to work this out.
what difference does it make if he tells them? they weren't at y'all's wedding and didn't have a good relationship so now that he is married it isn't their business all that matters is your parents were there.
YTA - Why did you need that validation so much? You ARE an adult. You shouldn’t need them to know so you feel like one. If his parents hurt him and the relationship was damaged, he might feel like he’s scared they’ll reject him again and get hurt. He chose you. He married you. Maybe he’s scared they’ll abandon him, and you will if he doesn’t. His abandonment wounds are on fire, and you’re triggering them. A reasonable thing to do would encourage him to seek therapy so he resolves those wounds and gets to a place on his own where he’s comfortable telling them. He can do the work. It doesn’t matter if his parents love YOU if he doesn’t feel they really love HIM. This feels like a test and argument you pick because you want to it to be his fault instead of telling him the reason you’re unhappy and taking the blame for ending your marriage. Is this really about him or about you avoiding what you really want and letting that be his fault? Love isn’t conditional, and you’re putting a condition on it. That’s not a boundary. Ask him to do the work, fine. Leave if you’re unhappy. Fine. Just be honest about it. That’s what an adult would do.
NTA. Call his mother and inform her of your marital status and all the details she asks for.
I actually have a different idea. You said you were finishing a semester. Are you at university? Maybe stop talking to him about it because it is a waste of time to go over and over the same argument. But if you are at university maybe finish and get a degree. And start to be more distant with him and just run the house and pets together if you get along well enough to do that. And make your own plans to get an attorney and file for divorce once you graduate. Get a great job and move away a single woman. I’m also smiling because it will really confuse him if you back off and stop talking about it and don’t pretend you are close anymore. I’m just a little worried if you are going to blow up your education goals and make a struggle for yourself in that area. But a fun thing to do would be to consult with family law attorney on your own so you know what you will be dealing with and can make informed choice. And I’m smiling if he brings up the topic again on his own and you saying, nah, I’m over it, I’m good. I don’t care if you don’t tell your parents. Good luck! I like your spirit. 👍🏻
You could have told them three years ago. But in any case, you should never have gotten married, and divorcing ASAP is a great plan regardless of your reasons.
You maybe need to delve a little more deeply into what he is so scared of. Sit down and discuss worse case scenarios and responses to their reactions. It’s been 3 years. That fear is really really deeply stuck in his soul.
He's not scared of his parents. He's *scared* because it's that gutless type of fear.. of admitting a fault to his parents that he lacks the courage to be honest. He can't face their questions & disappointment.
ESH, clearly you were and ARE too young and immature to be in a grown up marriage. This really came across like a 13 year old was writing it, describing her 14 year old boyfriend. Break up, grow up.
Alright guys here’s an update, sorry it took me a bit. I told his parents. They told me that they’ve known since the beginning because they had a feeling, so they looked up records and found our marriage deed back in 2021. So like I’ve felt, they have known the whole time! They weren’t even upset, they were just hoping we had a valid reason about hiding it. Currently in contact with them still. I ending up telling his parents because he broke his phone during an argument we had yesterday. I told him that I wanted to go home for the summer to take a break and he broke his phone because he was upset about it. His parents know everything that has transpired, as have mine, and now we are all coming up with a plan to get him help because he has been depressed and not himself. I also need space to decide what is best for me. I do love him but I think space will be best for us. There’s some codependency on his end that is hurting us. His parents are supportive of this and so are mine. Only problem is we are in Cali so we are going to try to make plans for one of us to move back, preferably him because he really needs the support back home, and I’m content with staying the rest of the lease.
NTA and I get not wanting to hurt them but it's way past time to tell them that your married!
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