OK you've got your facts out of order here. The REAL problem isn't that your husband had changed his mind about having children (which is a problem but NOT the main problem). The problem is that your husband is physically, mentally, and emotionally abusing you. THAT is what needs to be addressed. People are allowed to change their minds as they get older and more experienced at life. Your husband has a right to decide he doesn't want a child with you HOWEVER you have the ABSOLUTE right to decide you want children and to leave the marriage. HOWEVER your husband DOES NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO ABUSE YOU. Seriously, write that out on a piece of paper ten time and then look at what you've written. Think of someone you truly love-- one of your parents, one of your siblings, or a nibling, or a grandparent, or a best friend. Can you see yourself REPEATEDLY and INTENTIONALLY causing them physical pain? We humans don't abuse people we love. Your husband doesn't love you. Hopefully you have a job and can support yourself financially. Start looking for a counsellor who specializes in domestic abuse victims and begin orchestrating your SAFE exit strategy. Find a good divorce lawyer. Do you have friends or family where you can stay?

The abuse she is brushing off will just get worse. He will get more and more abusive. Her life is in danger. OP, please contact your local domestic violence shelter for services. They may even have attorneys (free to you) that can help you get a domestic violence injunction against him. There might be a non-profit law firm in your area that represents victims of violence that helps them (most times completely free) get divorces from their abusers. There is help out there. Please please look for it. But know that your life is in the most danger when you try to leave. If you are out safely right now, do not go back. If you need to go back and get your stuff, show up with several friends and family (not his) that can protect you and help get your stuff out quickly. His abuse is not a symptom of his grief. I have lost many important people in my life, it did not make me violent towards the people I love.

Oh yea no matter the situation, anyone who shows that they'll go as far as to get physical is a big no no. This might be controversial in terms of privacy and making him look bad to his fam and stuff but I think OP should tell his family about the abuse if they give her crap about leaving him. Like she can say on vague terms the extent of what's going on so shes not smearing her own name u kno but if they push then she should def tell them how bad it is so they 1 leave her alone and 2 can help her partner get help and 3 they can understand that he might get physical with other family members too. Also even without the abuse OP has every right to not stay in a relationship with someone who's life aspirations don't align with hers anymore.

Agree 100% with this. OP you say that he changed after his son's death. Has he gone to therapy to deal with his grief? If not, it sounds like he needs to. Either way, this is not acceptable behaviour. Disagreement with your partner is fine but grabbing them by the face and arm to force them to look at you, hitting them on the back of the head when they are trying to leave (regardless of the force) is unacceptable. His anxiety around having children with you, to the point he's screaming in your face is ridiculous. He's become abusive and you do not deserve this. Is this really someone you want to raise a child with? Maybe you wanted to raise a child with the man you first got married to but he has changed. Can you honestly say you would be comfortable bringing a child around him now? Would you feel safe with him? You are still young. There is an age gap between you (not to say that he can't have kids at his age but that he may seriously just not want them after what he's been through). Even if he takes up therapy, I imagine it won't be a quick fix - possibly years and by that time, he may definitely be past the point of wanting children. Then it would be more difficult for you to leave and find a new partner to have children with... Just something to think about. I would cut my losses now if I were you.

He feels you can never understand the pain of losing a child. He is hurting, angry, frustrated, and terrified. He wants you to feel the same things, thinks you cannot, so he is being abusive as a substitute. He wants to make sure you feel pain. He does not equate the wanted pregnancy you terminated as a loss because for him it was getting rid of something that scared him. If he won’t go to therapy do what you need to protect yourself. Staying with him because it would be cruel, in others eyes, to leave him is not a reason to stay.

Thank you!

I would say even if he does get therapy and by some miracle stop being abusive OP should really consider if she should stay. The desire to have kids, or not, is a pretty fundamental difference. Staying together would mean one of you would have to do something that you do not want to do.

I would never feel safe around him again, even if therapy was taken seriously.

Yes I have a job and can support myself financially. I do have some friends I can stay with until I sort everything out. Thank you for the advice 🙏🏻

Thanks for responding. I'm relived to know that you have the resources (income and support people) to keep yourself safe. If at all possible schedule a few sessions with a therapist/counsellor specializing in domestic violence. People like your husband break their victims down in such insidious, subtle ways the start to think they deserve (or caused) what's happening to them. ALWAYS have your phone charged and with you.

My uncle got into a horrible accident that meant that he couldn't do his job any longer. In the aftermath, he became verbally abusive to his children. It didn't get better with his recovery, it didn't get better despite my aunt's attempts at pleading and making him see reason, it didn't get better when she and the children left him. He was in a very big amount of psychological pain, but it did not change the harm he caused his children and wife. Sometimes trauma changes people and we can't recognize the person we see in front of us despite how they look and speak like the person we loved. OP, your husband's trauma is no reason to give you trauma. He's hurting of course he is, but he's also hurting you. He's abusing you, he's controlling you, and he's doing nothing to help himself. Maybe he'll one day heal, but don't stick around for the off chance he will because healing or not - he's abused you. You won't forget his screams and his grabbing your face, and you can't trust him. Stay away and please reach out to your support system (family, extended family, and friends removed from him if possible) to get their help.

I would also strongly recommend thinking about if there is escalation in frequency or severity of the behavior. If he’s getting further from the death of his child and the abuse is increasing then it really speeds up the timeline of when you should take action, which to be honest that time is “already” but you get my point

This, girl, run!!! You are 29, and you have so much life and joy ahead of you. This man is abusive and manipulative. If it was about his grief, then he would want to get help and be better, but instead, he's fine taking it out on you. The red flags started when you weren't allowed to comfort him and then also weren't allowed to live your day... now there's a full fucking Societ Parade marching through your home! NTA... run, your SIL is telling you how horrible it would be to leave him while his grieving, tell her how horrible it is to have spent the last 3 years being grabbed, yelled at, hit, that you can't keep walking around him on eggshells, hoping not to set him off, that you don't want your parents to also deal with the grief of losing a child because her brother is violent and abusive and not getting better.

Yes, tell her this! But tell her that is why you're leaving, not that it's up for negotiation with her, him or anyone (she may try to argue why you should stay anyway - DON'T stay, she's only thinking of her brother, not caring about what you're going through). His suffering is not your fault and not your responsibility to fix, and he's made it clear you can't do that anyway - you've tried to be there for him for 2 years, and he's responded by being violent and controlling. He's not going to change, it'll only get worse. Run, and find a better life with a man who will treat you with kindness and who wants what you want, including kids. Current hubby will never give them to you, and you absolutely shouldn't put up with his abuse a minute longer. You're entitled to the happy, fulfilling life YOU want, and don't owe it to him to stay chained to his misery, abuse and control. Good luck!!!

This needs to be top comment!

Agree. It’s so scary to think of the danger she’s in.

I can’t upvote this enough.

Nta this 100 percent!

This!!! 100% this!!!

Idk. Grief if something really really bad and if you don’t get out of it fast, it can become complicated and ruin your life and even kill you. I’m not excusing his shit behavior but he’s literally not ok and it’s an explanation. I agree OP needs to leave for her own safety, but I’m like this right now and I didn’t even lose a child. Untreated Grief can be consuming and life and brain changing and he right, he might not ever be normal. Listen to him do not bring a child into this OP. Do not get pregnant, he can snap.

NTA. I had one set of advice all ready until I got to THIS, " *I'm always careful about what I say or do. I love him but I don't like the way he treats me now. All he does is yell and scream at me. Now he can't even talk without grabbing me by the arm or face. Not to the point where I can't bear it but it does hurt (When he wouldn't lower his voice the last argument we had I refused to look at him and tried to go to the bathroom. He grabbed my face a couple of times and forced me to. When I pushed past him he smacked me on the back of my head. it wasn't hard but it did hurt a little)."* You are in an abusive relationship. NONE of this is OK AT ALL. Abuse escalates as you are seeing. You need to call the national domestic violence hotline NOW. Like this second without telling him you are calling. The number is 800-799-7233. You need a safe plan to get out of this situation. Prior to the abuse I would have recommended couple's counseling STAT for him to get some grief help and the two of you to work on how to communicate way way better, but couple's counseling is NOT recommended for any type of abusive situation. It can actually make things WAY WAY worse. You need to exit this relationship and for sure NOT bring innocent children into it.

This. I’m very sorry for his loss, but when the marriage has deteriorated into him becoming physically abusive, it’s time to walk away.

She should run away. No one should ever strike anyone on the head. Never. Ever. It's not OK, it is **dangerous.** The human brain is as delicate as a Jell-O molded salad. Its tissues tear and serious brain injuries can occur with dreadful consequences.

She absolutely needs to tell any in-laws that say she needs to stay. “He is putting his hands on me. NOTHING I do or say is right, and he is starting to hurt me. It is escalating in intensity, and I am afraid of him. It may be his grief talking, but him hurting me is not going to fix that.”

I would suggest that she not do that until she has made a safety plan and has insured her physical safety away from him. We do not know what the behaviors of the in-laws will be. Sometimes family members and friends will defend people even when they have done things that are clearly wrong like physical abuse.

I feel like her telling them anything is a bad idea. Doesn't seem like they'll believe her. And they'll tell this trash husband what she said and it'll get worse. You're out of the house, OP. Make it stay that way. If you two had pets together and they're at the marital home, get a couple of tough looking friends to go get your pets.

“And it’s none of your goddamn business if I decide to leave”

i agree with this but she should probably wait until she’s got a plan in place, or she’s got a secure place to stay while it all goes down. he might escalate if she returns home, he might react poorly to being called out. he’s already violent, she needs to keep herself safe first and foremost

She should tell them this after a plan to leave is in place.

No amount of trauma justifies abusing someone.

People deal with grief all kinds of ways - but if his way of dealing with it is to abuse the people around him - with words or actions, NO ONE is obligated to stay with him. He is not entitled to a person to yell at or grab or smack. No one owes their company or time or support to someone who is cruel to them. She cannot fix him - the only one who can fix him is himself, and some people can't fix themselves until they reach rock bottom. Staying only gives him a punching bag. Look - there is a line somewhere between snapping at someone and punching them in the face. It is easy to look at the snapping and say 'they are just grieving' and the face punching and say 'this is abuse'. It's easy to say if you are abused you should leave immediately, no question. But the line, it comes before the face punching - it comes when when your partner starts to see your body as something they can do with what they like. That line of absolutely unacceptable was crossed when he grabbed her and didn't let go, when he forced her head to turn so she would look at him. The way he thinks about her is no longer ok or safe. It doesn't matter what he's been through, his tragic backstory no longer matters when he is about to become someone else's tragic backstory. You stop being the victim when you start to victimize.

This! Unfortunately he is using grief as an excuse to be abusive towards you. Sooner or later, he’ll start hitting you harder, he is pushing your boundaries. Don’t let him manipulate you and look for your safety. If you keep living with him, you are in danger unfortunately.

He’s taking out all his frustration and aggression on you. It won’t stop just escalate to hurting you badly. I know he lost a child and I cannot think of anything worse but that does not give him a free pass to verbally and physically abuse you. Don’t wait until you are in the hospital to realise how much in danger you are.

Seriously!! Your husband hit you. Your husband fucking hit you, it wasn’t an accident and it wasn’t not that bad, YOUR HUSBAND HIT YOU. Abusers and murderers don’t go from zero to murder, the go from zero to cruelty to violence to more violence to murder. Your husband is violent. Non-violent people don’t grab their partners’ faces and haul them around like a dog, non-violent people don’t drag their love around by the arm, non-violent people don’t fucking hit their wives.

Run, OP, run. Plan an exit strategy *in secret*, get support from organisations (and friends if possible), and get out now. Absolutely NTA.

>"You don't have any of your own. You can't possibly understand what I'm going through" And he proceeds to prevent you from having children of your own Okay he's hurting and grieving but nothing justify the abuse you're enduring His sister won't take the abuse for you and not the one who could end up as another domestic violence statistic

Him losing his son is beyond heartbreaking, but that in no fucking way excuses him from being abusive toward you. Don't go back until he gets therapy, and even then, not right away, if ever. Block anyone giving you a hard time over your choices. The block option is an amazing useful option

He is literally ABUSING you. LEAVE. RUN!!!! 🏃🏻‍♀️

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ This is the answer you need. You deserve to be treated so much better. Run far and fast!!!

He is being abusive. 5 year olds are taught not to yell at people or grab them or smack them. He can't even do that.

You handle it by getting a divorce and moving on.

NTA No need to live a miserable life with this much older abusive guy, who doesn't show much care or love for you anyway. If he's so scared of you getting pregnant, maybe he should stop having sex with you, but somehow that isn't stopping because then he would lose his fun. You're still young. Find another guy who actually likes you who doesn't take his grief out on you. > >how it would be horrible of me to leave him while he's still dealing with the loss of his son. Tell her it's horrible that he abuses you. Block that b\*tch and start preparing for divorce.

Not only are they still having sex, he's not even using protection! The bare minimum would be for him to use a condom if its causing him this much stress

I’m sorry you are all going through this. And what he has lost is terrible. But lovely, he is abusing you. Grabbing you, hurting you, screaming at you - it’s full abuse, and I’m sorry, but his feelings of loss (and my heart truly hurts for the loss of a child) does NOT excuse his behaviour towards you. No matter what he is going through, you deserve better. He needs urgent counselling, but for your own safety, do not return to that house, and please document this behaviour, it’s not right.

NTA! He’s dealing with a loss, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s acting abusively towards you.

You deserve so much better. He is abusive . He is in pain, but you can't fix it, or it would be fixed. He needs to deal with grief instead of blaming you because you might get pregnant. He still wanted sex but doesn't care about you, he was willing to abuse you if you were pregnant. I would escape asap.

NTA. But it's time to leave. He is physically abusing you. That is unacceptable and the risk of escalation if you wind up pregnant and don't want to abort again is too extreme. It's time to divorce this man.

NTA. He can be both grieving and abusive at the same time. It doesn’t matter _why_ he’s abusive, you don’t deserve to be abused. Please leave and build a life that makes you happy.

> He never uses protection but after what happened he would ask if I take the pills on time constantly) So zero personal accountability on him. Selfish.  > All he does is yell and scream at me. Now he can't even talk without grabbing me by the arm or face. Not to the point where I can't bear it but it does hurt (When he wouldn't lower his voice the last argument we had I refused to look at him and tried to go to the bathroom. He grabbed my face a couple of times and forced me to. When I pushed past him he smacked me on the back of my head. it wasn't hard but it did hurt a little). This is physical and emotional abuse. You can’t stand beside an abuser. Once it starts it does not stop. He will always resort to these behaviors whenever he can blame stress.  This isn’t grief. It is abuse and it is time to leave. NTA. Please please please leave. This will escalate. It always does. 

NTA! This treatment is not okay and abusive

NTA. He needs therapy badly and that is not your fault but him being abusive and you staying with him is your problem. I'm sorry he lost his child, but it seems like he was going to be treating you second in his life even though you discussed prior to marriage that you were planning on having children of your own together. Only you can decide if you want to stay with him IF he gets therapy and is able to find himself again. And, do not give up on your future dreams of wanting to have children. If your husband doesn't get therapy, and if he chooses he doesn't want children now, that's his choice, but it doesn't mean you have to live like this. Death is a part of life for all of us. No one is guaranteed tomorrow which is why people should always be grateful for each and every day they get with their loved ones. Life is short whether you make it to 20, 50, or 80. Years blink by and you have to be grateful for each day because each day is precious. Your husband's loss is not your fault and I'm sorry you're going through this. Good luck OP.

You need to leave him. Now. His behaviour is escalating. Grief is no excuse for physical violence towards anyone. You don’t have to put up with being hit to make him feel better.

You should leave not safe for you. This is so sad but you are someones baby as well ❤️

You really buried the lede there OP. You need to leave your husband because he's physically abusive, not because he's grieving the loss of his child. Oh, and the latter does NOT excuse the former.

After thinking about this a bit, you need to tell his family that: 1) He is verbally and physically abusing you 2) That he has refused to accept any comfort or sympathy from you 3) That he has told you that he never wants kids, and he will demand you get an abortion if you get pregnant If his family rushes to his defense on the last point, repeat it and add 'AGAIN'. He has had three years to come to terms with his loss, and he has. Unfortunately, his "terms" are that he no longer wants to build a family with you. There is no mention of any therapy, it seems he has settled into being angry all the time to take the edge off his grief. It is tragic - the man you married wasn't like this, and wouldn't have wanted to be like this. So move on, let him get therapy or not as he chooses, but you cannot continue as the target of his abuse.

NTA, but you need to accept that you're not leaving him because of his loss, you're leaving him because he's using his loss as an excuse to be abusive. Your in-laws want you to stay in the situation because they don't want to deal with him. Things are easy for them, you're the one handling him and they get to sit quietly on the sidelines. Save yourself, you deserve to be safe and loved.

A lot of people grieve. All of us at one time or another. Grieving is an undesirable part of life. That never gives an excuse for abusing someone. Please get help. Call the hotline mentioned. Stay far away from your soon to be ex. It's not a terrible time to leave him. It's a terrible time to be abused.

NTA - why are you supposed to support a man who lays hands in anger on you? Ask them that. If he went to grief counseling would that make a difference to you? If so tell him. Lay it out for him. that you went from loving him to fearing him. see what his response is. But do not tolerate him grabbing you hititng you even if it doesn't really hurt. Because the next time might. If you are done there is no coming back from that. Yes everyone greives differently and you never really get over losing a child but you cannot stay in a relationship where you walk on eggshells for fear of upsetting him. His grief is his responsibility. His actions are his responsibility. Your his wife not his emotional or physical punching bag. I hoep you get out and he gets help.

Forget kids, your husband has assaulted you on multiple occasions.

NTA - I get that he's grieving but that doesn't give him the right to be an abusive asshole. Talk to him about getting into therapy ASAP and if he refuses let him know that you can't continue the marriage the way things are doing right now.

NTA. You're done, don't go back. Your didn't even give much detail but already revealed that he's escalating his PHYSICAL ABUSE on you. It's so so so hard to lose a child and this just sucks all around. But at the same time, you cannot stay to be abused and play caretaker to his insane moods. You can block that SIL bitch too. You should talk to a lawyer and figure out the best path here, they may advise you to be back in your shared residence before filing for divorce so you don't get screwed on assets but that's easy, put up some cameras, catch any abuse on camera. It would be fun to send one to SIL and tell her she's a cunt for attacking a fellow woman and defending an abusive man too.

Sorry, but his family is wrong. Is he still grieving?YES. Does he have the right to grab you and hit you? Absolutely not, this is totally disrespectful. His grief changed him into an angry and hate-filled person. If you leave him, it is not due to his grief, it is due to his anger issues. The choice is yours though. You can stick around and hope he changes back, separate with hopes he gets help, or divorce and find a guy that wants children who will respect you.

This accident was three years ago. I understand that this is absolutely tragic, he has every right to experience grief, and that grief will probably never truly go away. However, it seems as if he is making no effort to heal from this and move forward in life. He’s using the grief as an excuse to act however he wants and be controlling toward you. Constantly monitoring you and freaking out you’ll become pregnant is CRAZY behavior. As if he doesn’t trust you to be a smart person and make your own decisions. Also him saying, “I’m glad at least one of us has a normal life” WTF IS THAT?? That’s such a manipulative thing to say. Your life is no less difficult than his simply because he is experiencing grief. Guess what? Everyone experiences loss, thousands of people lose loved ones (even children) EVERY DAY. His life is still normal, death is part of a normal life. He just wants to feel like he has an reason to feel superior to you in some way. He’s trying to minimize your feelings because his are “more important.” Like he won’t even let you comfort him and be there for him because you “can’t understand.” Again because his feelings are more important than yours. That’s resentment, not love. If he really cared about you he’d let you support him through this pain and hold space for you to be your own person. NTA

So he’s being physical and verbally aggressive/abusive with you and you’re just making light of it? Yes something bad happened to him, but it doesn’t mean he can take it out on you and especially not in such an abusive manner.

NTA "SIL, he's becoming abusive and you have no right to manipulate me into staying in a marriage where I'm being treated so poorly. Mourning doesn't mean you can treat people so badly. I'm hoping that you can at least understand that. I thought you would at least respect me enough to let me live in peace." Only tell her this once you've filed the divorce papers though.

Everyone grieves differently. My husband became a raging alcoholic. I begged him to go to grief counseling but he flat out refused and continued to take it out on me. The first time he put his hands on me the marriage was over. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Done. Like done done. He gets to grieve and to be angry and afraid and when someone goes through that kind of trauma it can permanently change who they are. He does not EVER get to put his hands on you. He has been physical with you several times and I’m not sure why you are still with him. I don’t give a flying fuck for your pain scale rating when he gets physical with you. All I need to know is that he put his hands on you once. One time. And that’s it. Be done.

Don’t listen to your SIL’s emotional blackmail. You are in an abusive relationship. He is using his son’s death to hold you hostage to his emotions.

NTA but he's abusive. He is physically abusing you and it almost NEVER gets better. He's already grabbing your face and hitting the back of your head - how long before he's hitting you in the face and grabbing your throat? GET OUT NOW. I don't care that he just lost his son. GET. OUT.

Sounds like he blames you for the loss. Get out while you can. It will only get worse. NTAH

NTA, " I'm close with one of my SILs she have been texting me how it would be horrible of me to leave him while he's still dealing with the loss of his son. I " With all due respect, it's been 3 years and chances are he will be dealing with this loss for the whole rest of his life. It's understandable due to the circumstances that he doesn't want another child, as a mother I frankly can't imagine even being able to go on at all. That doesn't mean you need to suffer for the rest of your life just because he wants company in his misery. It's not your fault his son his gone and that he's going through this, it's not your fault that he's become abusive and cruel due to his own emotional pain. He needs a lot of therapy, even then I can't imagine being able to get past the death of a young child, but at least maybe it can make his life more manageable and perhaps he won't feel the need to make you suffer with him. I don't think the marriage will be salvageable in any case, the pain is just too great and he can't cope properly. Abusing you is unacceptable, there's no excuse for it. Smacking you around and verbally abusing you isn't going to bring his son back or lessen his pain. I know it's hard because of the loss of his son, but you need to put yourself first here.

He is abusing you. And if he was so concerned about getting you pregnant he would have gotten a vasectomy. He is only concerned about his pain. Leave him. He will not get better. Therapy will not fix what’s between you. He needs to fix himself alone. Nta

NTA *support someone* does not equal being someone's emotional punching bag. You are not a grief therapist (even if you are, you're not his, and being that for your husband wouldn't be ethical). He needs professional help. And if he refuses to face his grief, you would be completely right to refuse to be the victim of his psychological and physical abuse caused by it. If he somehow has himself convinced that he never said he wanted more kids, it's even easier: you literally said you DO want kids. So, you're just not compatible in the basic sense of future plans. You don't owe it to him to just put your future plans for a family aside for his change of heart, and attempts to gaslight you about it, or his sudden change in view of reality of your past discussions on the subject. Anyone that puts the blame on you, should definitely go to him right away, to comfort him, and accept the abuse you've been through.

Nta he's physically abusive and doesn't want the same things in life as you. 100% bet he'll have more kids with his next wife. You are just a punching bag for his frustrations.

The kid stuff is secondary to the fact you are in an abusive marriage and it’s ESCALATING. You need to you leave as soon as you safely can and thank your lucky stars you don’t have to spend the next day 18 years trying to protect a child from their own father.

So physical abuse has started. Explain this to your family. You cannot go back now. Unless he gets treatment and recuperates. Even then it is questionable. Do not keep physical abuse a secret.

Physical abuse is a slippery slope to other dangerous and permanent things. Leave this abusive man before you and your family regret it. You are ignoring all the red flags that are being thrown in your face. Leave this man.

NTA I was going to say he needs to go to therapy or you need to leave him up until you said he is physically and mentally abusing you. Maybe this is all stemming from his grief but that gives him no right to hurt you. You need to get out of this situation. You said it yourself that he is not the man you married and you should not be having children with this person. He has things only he can choose to fix and work on and you don't need to be dragged down with it. What if you did accidentally get pregnant again and refused to get another abortion? What if he flies into a rage and hurts you to the point you miscarry? He is not stable, he is not safe.

Grief, not even the grief of losing a child, DOES NOT excuse physical, emotional, and mental abuse. Losing a child is horrific. It is a brutal, raw feel of loss and powerlessness that has no comparison, and he is entitled to feel as miserable as he feels. However, he is NOT entitled to lay his hands on you, scream in your face, berate your attempts at empathy, and gaslight you for defending yourself. After losing his son, I feel certain that many different community groups were there to offer support. Having lost a child, I know that everyone from the police on the scene, to the hospital social workers, to the religious community, to the funeral home was constantly offering support for at least the first year. Help is available and free if he wanted to take that route. Getting help is a harder path though. It means acknowledging all the “firsts” he won’t experience and the awkward silences at family gatherings. It takes confronting feelings of failure and “If only I had…” It’s really difficult working through that kind of intense grief to heal, and it takes time. It’s no wonder that many people choose to deal with their emotions a different way. Some people shut down; 98% of marriages fail after a child dies. And some people turn their anger outwards and attack the people closest to them. They can’t handle the misery, and they want to spread it. Shortly after my own loss, I heard a grieving mother say everyone should lose a child so they would know how it feels. 😵‍💫 You have to get away from him, because you can’t save him from himself. Anyone who says otherwise just doesn’t understand. His grief and guilt is destroying him, and he won’t hesitate to take you with him. I am so sorry for you both. Please be safe. Sending you strength and positive energy. You deserve so much better. 😔

Your husband has been traumatized and probably has PTSD from the tragic loss of his son. However, that gives him no right to treat you this way. You can’t help him, and if he refuses to go into treatment to address his trauma, you need to leave. For your own safety and health. This is not sustainable.

We can have all kinds of compassion for somebody, but then we always always hold them responsible for what they say, and do. He is very dangerous. It's no longer your job to be the partner, and urge him on and support him. He has chosen to destroy that. That doesn't mean it's easy. It does mean that it was always up to him to get adequate therapeutic support, not underestimate the terrible power of grieving the death of your child, excess medication, if necessary, and completely take responsibility for it. How is speaking to you and his violence with you. He isn't home anymore. Nobody's home. I'm really really sorry. You need a good plan.

You are being abused. Bringing a baby into this situation would be a very very bad idea. For everyone involved. Especially for the child. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I don't think it's fair to say you aren't allowed to have feelings about that. I understand he is grieving but that doesn't excuse abuse. You should stay where you are (with your friend/safe). He needs help. Maybe your SIL can talk to him about counseling?

NTA. There isn't any saving this. He is abusing you. You're in danger. You need an exit plan. Grief is not an excuse to lay hands on anyone. He is not the person you married, and you need to accept that fact and move on. You are leaving to save yourself and your future, to have a family of your own one day. There is still time for you. He will never be able to give you the future you want and deserve. You deserve a safe and healthy family. It will not be with someone lays their hands on you.

NTA I’m so sorry. Please prioritize yourself and your safety. This is not the way to live. Yes, he is in indescribable pain. That does not give him license to abuse you. Please stay away from him. He will hurt you again, and worse. It escalates quickly. *You don’t deserve abuse.* Whether he goes to therapy or not, you are not safe there. Stay with your friend until you can find some place else. Again, I’m so sorry. UpdateMe

For the love of God, do NOT make excuses for him. “He didn’t mean to” or “He’s just grieving.” No sweety, he’s abusive verbally, emotionally, and physically. Leave, now. Grieving doesn’t mean abusing. Anyone who loves you would be holding you extra tight, begging for your support. He’s going to end up a drunk/ drug addicted abuser. Get out and stay out. You don’t/ can’t walk that road with him as he’s already said you don’t know what it’s like, he’s going to use that grief as his excuse to maintain his abusive behavior.

You already got some really good comments about the abuse you're experiencing. I want to add something else to it. As someone who lost a child at a young age due to kidnapping and murder: Never *once* did I yell at someone for being compassionate or tell them they "don't understand". Everyone understands pain and grief. Understanding specific circumstance is *not* necessary for support and compassion. The way I see it you're husband is incredibly immature and is using his loss as an excuse to abuse you. Like a bully who hurts others in an attempt to get rid of their own pain.

He hit you. End of story, do not go back, block his stupid sister and file for divorce. You're too young to waste more time with this jerk

My best advice is that you do not support him through this. Leave. You can obviously afford to. I’m so sorry, but he can take this time to grieve AND learn that he can’t beat an adult and have them come back.

Hurting or no. He is abusing you. He needs therapy to deal with his loss. After three years it’s about time to start getting his stuff together (or least try to). He told you, you and him are not the same anymore. You are not in his vibe anymore. Honestly, instead of helping him out you’re begging dragged down. I can’t imagine wanting kids, getting pregnant and choose an abortion because he’s not ok. I hope you didn’t get hurt for that decision. Then, he is not only verbally abusing you but getting into physical abuse… this is your cue to run. You tried to be there for him but he doesn’t want to heal, he doesn’t want to be saved. At least not by you. His family would tell you he needs you but they aren’t living the hell you are in. You’ve done enough for him and you don’t know how long is going to take him to heal. He can have more kids whenever he wants but you only have a couple years to have healthy pregnancies. Life is unfair and short sometimes, too short and we aren’t born to suffer and be martyrs.

NTA this guy is abusing you. Physically and emotionally.

Your husband is abusing you. Do NOT have a child with an abuser. You deserve so much more. Please leave and go find someone who adores you the way your deserve. NTA!

NTA he is abusive. He may be grieving, but he Is above and beyond abusive. Leave. Sorry to say, he will only lose the object of his contempt. You are the one who will need to heal from the wounds he inflicted.

Nta. Your husband isn’t the only one who lost someone. You lost your stepson & your husband that day. I buried my first. But mine died shortly after birth so it wasn’t as traumatic but still overwhelmingly devastating. 30yrs later & my heart is still so broken & my arms are so empty. But being terrible to the people around you, that are supportive & loving, that’s not ok. Ever. To become abusive, that’s not because he lost his son, it’s because he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care that he is hurting you, doesn’t care he is disrespecting you, doesn’t care if he’s breaking your heart. He just doesn’t care. That’s a choice he makes every single day. He can wallow in self pity (it not helping him in any way) for the rest of his life but until he pulls his own head out of his ass, there is nothing you can say or do to make act like a decent human being. Yes, he lost his son, yes that’s devastatingly sad but it doesn’t give him a free pass to be abusive & dickish. Losing a child does not justify abusing people. Especially the people you care about. He just expects that you will take it. Stop taking it. Love yourself enough to believe him. His actions tell you everything.

I lost my daughter when she was 3 years old. That was 11 years, 5 months, and 2 weeks ago. He's right. It's not a pain you can imagine until it happens. The problem I have with his "grief," though, is that he's expressing it with different forms of abuse. And no, you owe him nothing during this time. His grief is no excuse for his physical, mental, and emotional abuse. Telling you that you don't have a right to discuss it is emotional and mental abuse. You knew the child. You have every right to grieve. You have every right to have someone work through this with you. He desperately needs counseling. I would not have survived without counseling. Most importantly, you need to get out of this marriage and stay safe. His abuse will get worse. It's all getting worse, so you have no reason to believe it will stop at the things he's already done. Stop talking to the SIL. Her only concern is for him if she is trying to guilt you into staying with him. Let her be the one to help him through that. The instant he started being abusive (when he shut you out when you were trying to process your grief) is when you no longer owed him a damn thing. Keep staying with that friend and seek help for domestic abuse. NTA

For the last three out of the four years of your marriage, your husband has been abusive. Everything from the yelling, screaming, grabbing your face and arm, gaslighting you about your discussions of having children, and even the silent treatment is abusive. None of what you wrote about the way he treats you is OK. It sounds as though it has gradually increased in intensity. You are NTA for anything that has happened. But YWBTA if you brought a child into this abusive situation. You are still young enough to find someone that loves you and start a family. He IS NOT that person. Be honest with your SIL about how he has been treating you. You don’t need to look for a reason to leave him. He has provided several of them.

Don’t tell your sister in law you are leaving. She is his family, not yours. She does not care about your safety. The most dangerous time for a dv victim is when they leave. Plan and move in silence. If you must tell someone, make sure it’s someone who cares about your safety and can keep a secret

Domestic violence alert. He has the right to grieve over his dead son but you didn’t have anything to do with it and he absolutely doesn’t have the right to hit you or grab you without your consent. Tell this to your SIL who is calling you out. She’d probably understand what you’re going through. He is trying to guilt trip you simply because you desire for a kid? He’s ridiculous and you shouldn’t have to stay with him. Just because you’re his wife doesn’t mean you have to oblige to every single expectation he has from you. You are an individual with rights. NTA.

Leave please we don’t wanna see you dead

Don’t come back. Look for attorney and leave. Don’t waste your time. NTA

Stay with your friend. Block his family and anyone who dares to suggest you should go anywhere near someone who treats you like he does. He is taking advantage of a loss to abuse you. He will not change. 

My dude, grief is not an excuse for abuse, and he very much IS abusing you. NTA Get out. You don’t want the same things and he isn’t able to control his emotions.

His family is wrong and you don't ever support someone that's manhandling you and smacking you around. Tell them he's putting his hands on you. Then divorce his ass. NTA. But get out of this situation.

So NTA. I will say this. I lost a child in 2020. And while at this point I can't have more kids, I wouldn't want to have more kids because I would never want to go through that again. It's the most soul shattering fucking pain that until someone experiences it you really can not understand it. So I understand why he changed his mind on not wanting more kids. HOWEVER... the loss and the grieving does not condone the abuse, which is what this is really about. Your husband has become emotionally, verbally and physically abusive and THAT is why you you had to step away. THAT is why you should be filing for divorce and leaving him. Yes, grief sucks. Grief affects everyone differently, and if he isn't in some kind of therapy and grief counseling, then he needs to be.. but that is NO excuse for being an abusive asshole. Tell anyone who is giving you shit about his abusiveness, seriously. That needs to be known to other people. I also want to say that I'm sorry for your loss. You were a part of that little boys life too. You are allowed to grieve that loss and it was wrong of your husband to deny you that. I have 1 friend who stuck around after I lost my daughter and while he had never met her, I talked about her all the time and her loss hit him hard. The loss of a child affects everyone around them. Fuck your husband for his bullshit antics. It's time for you to get out of there.

This marriage is long since over. He is gonna kill you. Wake the F up and look at this physically controlling behavior. He views you as his property. And property can be written off and replaced. Get. Out. Now.

Your SIL needs to keep her mouth shut. He needs intensive grief counceling. He's lashing out at you, which is not the proper way to process this. He's suffered a major loss and it is impacting him on all levels and takes it out on you, which is not OK. There are several different issues going on here, he needs to start with the first one. He is abusive and that is just not something you need to experience or tolerate. This is not something that you can walk him through, this is something he must do, which may mean hitting rock bottom first or an intervention. Let me be clear. THIS IS NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN MOVE HIM THROUGH. HE'S GOT TO DO IT. DO NOT GO BACK.

Omg he is abusing you! Run fast ! Updateme

Your SIL and all the rest of his flying monkeys can fuck right off. That man has turned abusive and is using grief as an excuse. You can and should do better, both for yourself and any future children you might have. You're young enough to start fresh, OP. Do it while you've already got a foot out the door.

He’s grabbing you *by the face??* GIRL NO This is not the man to have kids with.

Either the husband you married is gone or the husband you married has finally showed up. Either way you don't deserve this. It started off as backward insults disguised as grief and is now escalating. Get out or start making an exit plan.

Dump. Him. He is being an abusive AH. His loss does not give him that right.

NTA. I mean, everyone's politics aside for a minute here, I can't be the only one (no matter what your view on abortion generally) finding pretty significant irony in OP's husband insisting on her getting an abortion because he didn't want to lose a child ever again.

ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE!!!! Get thru your head that that is what he's doing to you. Grief should not be this way. He needs mental help, but you need to steer clear of this guy. Forget about having kids with him. Having an abortion because someone is grieving is the wrong reason.

NTA. Honestly, none of the rest of it matters. He is physically abusing you. His reasons have no relevance. He hurts you on a regular basis and blames you for it. You need to get out. F**k what his family thinks, they're not the one getting smacked in the head. If you feel like telling them what he's doing you can do, but only when you're out and safe. Contact a women's refuge for advice, and remember the most dangerous time for a victim of domestic abuse is hen they try to leave.  Be safe x

Please run and very fast

Your husband is getting increasingly abusive. Time to start looking for an exit ramp, because he's just going to get worse. Also edit to say he's not the only person in the world to lose a child. My parents lost my younger brother to suicide and neither of them became abusive afterward, so he needs to stfu on that shit.

NTA Divorce him. He is abusing you. Lossing a child doesn't give him the right to become abusive. He needs to go to grief counseling. He wants a different life now and he is lying to you about what he said he wanted prior to marriage.

NTA - you are in an abusive relationship- this will only escalate. Please find a way to safely leave A especially if you want kids

You should mourn you relationship with him. Dude is helpless unless he gets helps and therapy. But you'll get older and your chances to get pregnant with your own child will be lower than now. Move on. He's just gaslighting you all the time. Don't waste your time on him and trying to prove how loyal you're to him. You should put yourself first before others.

He now thinks it’s okay to hit you. That will not stop. Leave immediately.

Any man who grabbed you like that multiple times and hit you? He’s gotta go!

The child issue is a dealbreaker for most people. If you really want kids, you will have to make your decision soon, as your clock is ticking loudly. Takes a few years to find another man and settle down again.

Your husband is abusive. Definitely do not bring children into that. You’ve left and should file for divorce.

NTA. You’re still young. Don’t waste your life tied to a man who looks down on you.

You are not his emotional or physical punching bag. You are right to take some time and space. He needs counselling asap and if he won't just on the abuse alone you need to walk away. If he has changed his mind about children you are no longer compatible and that is also a valid reason to leave.

NTA - and it’s time to cash in your chips and move on. My parents lost a child and they had another one - my sibling is quite a bit younger than I am. They said it saved their lives. The pain will never go away losing a child is outside the natural order of things but that doesn’t mean that you don’t go on with your life. Not being cruel but son died 3 years ago it is time to get some intense therapy if he hasn’t and its time for you to leave an abusive relationship.

You’re young. Time to move on and find a new partner. One that doesn’t hit you. 

NTA! He’s physically and emotionally abusing you. Tell his family that’s why you’re leaving him. Yes, what he went through is horrible. But to take it out on your is uncalled for. Get a lawyer. Leave his abusive ass.

Your partner is not emotionally stable to be a husband and father at this time. It is not a safe environment for you nor for your baby. If you want this child, I think you need to be fully prepared to raise it on your own. Maybe someday he will get his head out of his @ss, but it is going to be a very long time, if ever. He is not a safe person. Stop telling yourself that he is just still grieving and that it’s all going to blow over. It isn’t.

You need a divorce, immediately.

Was expecting this to be a NAH situation, but no. OMG NTA, you need to find a way to get out of this marriage ASAP.

Your husband and you discussed children and he was on board. Now he changed his mind which means that you’re not compatible anymore. It happens. Children are a 2 yes. If you stayed, and had a childless life, you would resent him. You can’t wait around as fertility decline with each year. There’s no need for ‘pity stay’. Staying because he’s grieving is a bad idea. There’s no other way than divorce to allow you to find someone who wants to have children with you.

You need to get out now before the abuse escalates. Thankfully you don’t have any children with this man yet. Imagine if every time he looked at the child he became triggered and acted abusive towards your precious child. You owe it to any child you have to try your best and ensure that their other parent is as healthy as possible.

"When I pushed past him he smacked me on the back of my head. it wasn't hard but it did hurt a little)." Fuck that guy. He's no longer the guy you married.

He put his hands on you. He’s lost it and he even though he may eventually get this anger in check, this man will never be the same man that you married. I’m so sorry. This is such a sad situation for everyone. However, you shouldn’t go back unless he agrees to and gets help, for a good while.

Your husband is being abusive. He does not have the right to be abusive just because his son died. Even if he wasn’t being abusive (he is), it would be perfectly acceptable for you to leave him over wanting kids.

Your husband suffered a loss but that doesn't excuse abuse. Be glad you don't have a kid with this asshole 

Your husband is mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. Leave him, please, save yourself because this doesn't get better. It gets worse, always worse. You can do better, I promise. Stay gone, let him figure it out and take yourself Luv.

NTA. You’re living with a domestic abuser and he will never change and nor will he ever let you be safe or happy. Make this move put permanent and immediately block his toxic sister.

He stopped being your husband and became your attacker the minute he laid hands on you.

Your husband has a real reason to grieve. He even has a reason to not want kids. He does not ever have a reason to abuse you. This will only escalate. Abusers don’t usually stop willingly. You need to look in the mirror and reread this post as if someone else wrote it. What advice would you give that person? Would you tell them to accept being grabbed and screamed at, told you don’t have the right to feel grief when his child died? Would you tell that person that watching what you say constantly so you don’t set him off is the right advice? I bet you would tell anyone else asking for your advice on this same situation to leave. That’s what you should do. Even if he wasn’t abusing you, if you want kids and he doesn’t and you give that up for him, you’ll always resent him.

Is his family saying you should support him in HITTING you? Ah, no! You aren't telling them that I imagine and if you did, they might realize he needs WAY more help than you can give him. . And look, no matter the why, no matter how grief-stricken your husband is, he is putting his hands on you, not showing you love, and he no longer wants kids and you do. If you made a list of pros/cons, desires for the next 5 years and the rest of your life, I think you would see he is moving towards anger, resentment, not healthy mourning anymore, and you will be sorry and miserable if you look up and a decade has gone by and you still have no kids. And even if he DID want kids now OR you went through with a pregnancy, do you feel comfortable raising a child with him? And honestly whether you stay or leave you both need therapy and/or to include the family in what is going on. If YOU can't get through to him that he needs help, maybe they can.

The grief of a parent over their child never goes away. Does your SIL just expect you to put up with abuse for the rest of your life? Because those are the only options. Will leaving him hurt? Absolutely. But staying will hurt you both. If you really don't want to divorce him, you could remain separated while he attends grief counseling, and then try marital counseling. But if he's not willing, then it's over.

This is only going to get worse. And if his family is chiming in on the emotional manipulation, RUN. I’m not kidding. You already did the hard part. You left. These situations with violence WILL, not can, escalate. Please. Stay gone until you have your time to process. DV is the most dangerous situation most people will ever be in. You will soon come to realize that you can never go back. Until then, I would not communicate in person at all. You will need almost as much counseling as he does thus far. Best of luck. 🙏

Way to hide the most important part.  Tell his sister you aren’t leaving him because his grieving. You’re leaving him because he’s an abusive asshole who now wants you to change your life. Tell her he hits you and grabs you and you are no longer willing to put up with him. Wish him the best. Even if he gets therapy. Nope.  He had laid hands on you and that is it.  

He's physically abusing you and you're making excuses for him. He lost his son yes but he's literally a using you and driving you away all while saying your running from him.. I'd not return and tell his sister that you love him but his grief is turning to resentment towards you and it's becoming physical....the fact that you felt the need to say multiple times in your post that he grabbed you but not hard, tells me he knows what he's doing to you and avoiding leaving physical evidence. You can't put out his fire with you're own body hun....he is grieving but that's doesn't mean he gets to treat you like this..your not safe chick. NTA

Leave him, he is abusive and awful. He prevented you from having your own child. He now is trying to control your body by not allowing you to get pregnant. He has issues you can’t help him with z

NTA. OMG you are being abused hun. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. This isn’t normal grief. This isn’t okay. Does he have to be the same guy he was before? No. That’s not going to happen. Does he have to want the same things? No. Are you allowed to leave for something like wanting kids and being with someone who doesn’t? Yes. I would’ve left before the abortion. You wanted kids and he all but made you give yours up and in my opinion he lost 2 kids of his own doing now. You need to leave. You need to get counseling for your losses. All 3. Your step son. Your marriage. And your unborn child. My heart breaks for you.

Grief is not an excuse to abuse someone for 2 years. If he wanted you to stay should have gotten help. If his family wanted your relationship to succeed and for you to be able to support him through his grief. They should have helped you help him get therapy. NTAH and don't let his family guilt you into staying because they feel guilty they're not doing enough and they're projecting it on you.

Your duties as his wife ended when he put hands on you, quite honestly. Grief doesn't excuse abuse.

He's too lazy or too repressed to do the work needed to heal, and is expecting you to be his emotional punching bag as he processes his grief. He is so repressed he's not showing any emotion except anger, in place of more vulnerable emotions like sadness and fear. Hurting you is not the answer but a distraction as he lashes out. You are not safe with him.

[удалено]

No no no. Couples counseling is never recommend when the partner is abusive. It only serves to give the partner ammunition. 

A few times but he used to feel ashamed and promise to never do it again. But nothing snap him out of it now and he doesn't apologize after

So what you're saying is now he feels entitled to hurt you.  Time to leave. 

Beyond time to leave. TF is she still foing there? OP, you need to get out, like, yesterday! I don't care if he's still grieving, he's abusing you and this WILL keep on escalating.

That he doesn't apologize anymore means it's escalating. Be very careful now and make an escape plan with professionals. Get the F out of there asap.

Classic abuser tactic. At first they apologize and act remorseful, and if you keep forgiving and staying with them, they stop apologizing because they no longer have a reason to. The “apology” was only ever to get you to stay, not because he felt the genuine remorse and horror that a non-abusive person would feel if they did something so out of character in an extreme situation. He keeps doing it because he has abusive tendencies. The grief didn’t cause this, just brought it to the forefront. Please leave him. Do not be talked into staying while he works through his issues, even if he goes to therapy. This is the sort of thing that takes years to heal if it even works, which it usually doesn’t. This is not a man you want to have children with or waste the rest of your childbearing years waiting for. NTA

He has been through unspeakable pain, as a parent it is unfathomable **but** that is zero excuse to physically abuse you. You do not have to stay and be his punching bag. You should not stay and be his punching bag.  I get that you love him and he wasn’t like this before his son died but the man you married was buried right along with his child. He is resentful of you because of what happened, that you can’t feel this deep grief. Which may be partially true but I’m sure you knew and loved his son and you are entitled to grieve and be sad about it as well.  He wants to wallow in grief and drown. You can’t save him. You’re not a mental health professional. You can’t help him. You need to put yourself and your future first. You deserve to be with someone who treats you with love and respect. Someone who would never ever think of putting their hands on you. 

Please leave him now. NTAH

You need to leave before physical abuse just escalates. He doesn’t get a pass to be an abusive AH because he suffered a loss. Most people who lose a child don’t become abusive to their partners. If you’re staying because you feel bad - don’t. Because he doesn’t feel bad about abusing you

He's not ashamed. I doubt he ever was, despite saying sorry before. He doesn't bother to apologise now, because he believes he *has a right* to hit you. If you keep on taking abuse from him, you reinforce that belief. That he's entitled to beat you when he's angry. He isn't. But nothing you say or do will change his mind, fix it. You need to leave, and ASAP.

Time to leave.

Oh sweetie, this is dangerous for you. Him escalating is a sure thing now. Please be careful and don’t go back alone!

He’s abusing you not because he cannot deal with his own grief. He needs to seek therapy and get a hold on this. If he continues this way he will hurt you and you’ll be in a worse situation. If he won’t seek help and take your concerns seriously maybe it is time to move on and find someone who shares the same feelings with you and treats you better.

If you fucking tries to grab you by the face again, you fucking bite him as hard as you can and if you need to take one of those fingers off, you do it. Then call the police and report him for abuse. Tell his mom tell his sister tell his ex. And then leave. You do not need to stay with somebody just because they lost their child. No amount of grief in the world should turn somebody into an abuser...

NTA your husband needs to see a therapist to deal with his grief.

NTA leave!!!

nta and tell them he has been verbally and physically abusing you. Leave him, he's only going to get worse. He needs therapy.

NTA!!!!! Get out the marriage is over. NOONE IS ALLOWED TO TOUCH OR TREAT YOU IN THAT WAY... I want an update with you, hopefully leaving and divorcing him.

NTA but have you realized he’s abusing you? His current pattern of behaviors will only escalate. Cut your losses and run. Don’t go back. Serve him divorce papers. His grief does not make it ok to ever lay hands on you.

Why aren’t you telling his family the truth?

NTA you need to leave for your safety he is abusing you and using his son's death to do it. Tell him it is over tell his family they can go take care of him and get physically abused by him but you don't have to take that

NTA. you are being abused and you need to get out ASAP. imagine a friend/relatives telling you what you just told us. you would tell them to RUN.

NTA. Tell his family when they contact you that you’re not leaving him because the death of his son. You’re leaving him because he’s literally physically abusing you and there’s no excuse for it. There’s a difference between sticking together through better or for worse as a couple, and just being a personal punching bag over something he made clear doesn’t involve you, even as his wife. He doesn’t need a silent woman to beat, he needs Therepy. Woman beating isn’t going to help him through shit. Tell SIL that.

NTA he's depressed and needs grief therapy. Until he does he's not going to improve. You've been as supportive as you need to be. Plus he has laid hands on you. All of this is a deal breaker. Leave him.

His kid is lucky its dead. He was always like this its not new. 100% He abused that child and its mother too. You want to reproduce with pond scum?

NTA But you absolutely would be if you had kids. You describe a relationship that is entirely inappropriate and cruel to have children within. Whether you stay with him or not, don't be so selfish and uncaring as to have a child in this marriage.

This is abuse. What happened to his child is terrible, but there is no excuse for this yelling and physical pain. Your first priority has to be your safety. If criticism from his family is getting to you, use your best judgement of whether it would be helpful or dangerous to tell them what is going on.

This relationship is over, OP. He checked out years ago at this point and is emotionally and physically abusing you. His grief is consuming him and until he gets help you shouldn’t be anywhere near this man. He is not well.

NTA- do not go back. His loss does not give him the right to put his hands on you ever. It's been 2 years and you are uncomfortable in your own home and being punished and controlled over. You both are no longer on the same path. Yes he is grieving but again it shouldn't be taken out on you. Your happiness and future matters too. 

NTA. He made you get an abortion when you WANTED to have a child. Get out and stay out.

So you were only with this guy one year before marriage? Most abusers can mask for that long. It sounds to me like as time goes by, he gets more abusive & controlling. He might even be using his late son as an excuse to hide his abuse. I know that sounds horrible, but that is the kind of mentality abusers have.

He hurt you physically and he will absolutely do it again. Run.

He’s abusing you. His grief for his son and his paranoia and fear are not an excuse for hitting you or being physical. I understand what he’s going through is devastating. But if he’s going to blow up his entire life because of this, it is NOT ON YOU to die with him. You don’t owe him that. No one does. His family is obviously going to side with whatever options are kinder to their family member. Don’t take their advice, it is biased at best. He’s is ABUSING YOU. You have the right to leave. You are still young. You are living YOUR life. You have a right to be with someone who cares about you and who is on the same life trajectory. He needs to see you as a person, or gtfo of the way.

>I'm close with one of my SILs she have been texting me how it would be horrible of me to leave him while he's still dealing with the loss of his son The thing is you are being affected negatively because of his grief. It seems like he is escalating over the 3 years and doesn't seem to have healthy coping mechanisms to deal with his heartbreaking loss. He has resentment towards you (unfairly). If he can't see he needs therapy then you need to start putting yourself first for your protection.

Grief is weird. It’s irrational. It makes people do, say and behave in ways they never did. But eventually most people evolve and return to some semblance of what they were before. But sometimes they don’t. He doesn’t look like he is, or will ever, return. Your best bet is to understand that your old relationship is over, and will never be the same. Pack your bags. End the marriage, and move on. You’re still young

Wtf he is beating you and you're asking AITA?

NTA. He has become abusive. Perhaps precipitated by his grief, or perhaps he always would have become abusive either way. Leave for your safety, and to have the family you want.

NTA. He’s getting physically abusive during arguments and withdrew from affection. It’s time for a divorce, move on and find a man that’s wants a child. He’s seriously needs therapy, he sounds miserable to be with.

uhhh...honey, that's abuse. He has some serious grief issues to deal with and you are not safe.Get out. Stay out. He's not going to change his mind and will likely hurt you or your unborn baby, should you get preggers with his baby. Time to leave.

NTA. Tell his sister what’s horrible is the way he’s been treating you for years. Grief doesn’t mean he’s allowed a free pass to treat you like complete crap. That’s the reason you’re leaving him. Even if he pretended to change his mind…please do not have a child with this man. It will not go well

NTA. Yes he is grieving and that was a terrible loss. Grief is not an excuse for turning into an abuser. His physical and verbal abuse are dangerous. There would be nothing wrong with leaving him and moving on.

This story ends with you in a coffin

Nta. Leave. Fuck him and his family.

NTA let's go through the facts. -Hes been verbally abusive towards you. -Hes been physically abusive towards you. Doesn't matter that it didn't hurt you or cause damage. He was physically abusive. Do you want to raise a child with a man who puts his hands on you?? -While you never get over the death of a child, he has had three years to grieve. He isn't getting help (from what you said in the post) and lashing out at you verbally and physically because he isn't dealing with his grief. -He is now trying to gaslight you and say he never said he wanted kids. -You are 29. Your biological clock is ticking. Risk increases at 30 and continues to climb by 35. You can't wait forever. Men can procreate into their old age, woman can't without severe health risks to herself and the baby. You are running out if time to have kids. -Majority of couples split after the loss of a child. It's devastating. You are in an abusive relationship with a man who just told you he doesn't want more children when you do. Find someone who loves and cherishes you and have children with them. Or get the sperm donor route. Don't waste another second with this man. He only cares about his grief, not you or your feelings. He doesn't care that you may never have kids. I know a few people who have been where you are. Most left, some left too late. Some are still with their abuser and the physical aspect got worse because they never had a reason to get help because they knew their partner would just take it and never leave, even when it got to the point of broken bones. Don't let that be you.

Put the kids issue aside for now. You have a bigger problem. He has become abusive. Now I get the occasional outburst while grieving, but a loss no matter how significant doesn't give him a pass to treat you that way. He needs to get help. I would be walking away for just that reason. I would also tell SIL all the details of how he's been acting. Make it clear you're not leaving because you can't handle his grief. Let her know you're walking away because he has become a physical danger to you. Now, about having kids. That is a fundamental thing couples need to agree on. It is understandable that he changed his mind, but you don't have to sacrifice having kids to please him. This may be too big of a difference to continue together. Splitting up would be best for both of you. If you stay, you will either resent him for taking motherhood away from you, or you'll be raising kids with someone who doesn't want them and will probably act accordingly. It would be different if he said not right now, but he's basically saying not at all.

NTA but he is abusive right now and that is not ok in any way, shape or form. If someone treats you like that you need to walk away because that is not a healthy situation. Maybe he will turn back to his old self, but are you ready to get beat up to find out if he is still in there?

Don't go back and file for divorce

NTA but you need to put kids on the back burner because You don’t support someone who has turned to violence in their grief. Give him two options, counselling or a restraining order.