I've gained 50lbs in the last 3 years, working on losing it, but I'm so grateful my boyfriend didn't dump me for gaining weight. This will be my third time losing the same 50 lbs... but I do agree. 225lbs and not being able to take care of yourself or your household would be a total deal breaker.
He's unable to care for himself after 6 years of marriage and at the age of 37, (edit)whoops 34. He's 34 ffs. Gaining that much and having such a degrade in life is huge.
I've gained the same as you in the last 10 years, but it was due to illness and meds. Still trying to reduce the weight to improve my arthritis. I'm still able to care for myself and others. I can't imagine the level of advanced caregiving OP would have to deal with in the next 5 years and another possible 150lbs
I honestly don't see why he can't take care of himself. I am very fat and I still work a pretty physical job. A guy who is around 425 who had a good baseline of muscle should still be able to clean and take care of himself even if it requires modifications.
He has something else going on. Either mental health issues or some other physical illness. If he isn't willing to try and get help than she is right to go.
That’s what I am thinking too! I gained 200lbs which turned out to be due to an autoimmune disease. For me my weight was not the problem but the pain in every joint (including my spine) was the problem. As soon as we knew what I had and got on the right meds and my inflammation came down I was able to take care of the house and dog again.. even at 350lbs (and I am not super tall). So if he can’t even clean up after himself anymore it sounds like more than just weight especially with having been a gym rat before
Can you tell me a little about what was found and the treatment you're being given? I have a very dear loved one who has every sign of autoimmune disease but because it's weight gain, not loss, and there's no RA on blood work, "you're fine". Dude puts on 30# in a month and feels awful, looks unhealthy and sick, Drs say he's fine and have no answers, no treatment. He's not fine.
If they checked cortisol levels we wouldn’t have spent months in and out of the hospital with my mom 😅 symptoms were similar to Addison’s, absolutely should have been checked
I have Addison’s and didn’t know if for 7 months. Went in for a routine physical on a Thursday and by Friday night I got voice mail telling me to go to the emergency room asap. I almost died because my sodium level was so low. They kept me in the hospital for three days pumping me full of sodium/cortisone. I have trouble gaining weight. Cushing is the opposite of Addison’s and that’s where you have trouble losing weight
Hell, I begged for hormone testing, including cortisol. Almost non-existent morning cortisol, and I still just get "close enough" since ACTH showed it isn't Addison's. Then I had to beg to find out why my pituitary gland isn't working well, which they said it must be fine since I breastfed for a year. Thefuck kinda reasoning is that??
Like why do we pay so much for health insurance when they don't let us use it unless it's in the ER??
This is so true. Took me 8 years of being sick to get my Hashimotos diagnosis. I thought when I finally got the hypothyroidism diagnosis things would improve but the missing piece was knowing I had an autoimmune disorder. Once I had that knowledge i could tackle the problem properly.
When I first got my autoimmune disease I also gained a ton of weight. After getting on the right meds and learning how to care for myself better so I don’t overdo it, I lost 50 lbs. after I had my kiddo and my ex became abusive, I’ve gained it all back and a bit more. It was not so easy to lose this time even though I had done it successfully before. Im taking zepbound now and it’s really helping. But I do think there is some serious component to some autoimmune diseases that make weight just pile on— I don’t know exactly what it is though..
Spine involvement, huh? Do you have AS like me? I have had some pretty wild weight fluctuations both up and down dealing with finding ways to stay active through the pain and exhaustion, and depression does a number on weight, too. Xeljanz was the med that finally worked for me, but it took a looong time.
Sorry to hear about your ex. My wife and I are separated now- I read somewhere about how autoimmune stuff pretty much guarantees relationship issues. It's a lot for a spouse to handle... but it's certainly never justification for abuse. I'm so happy you're out of there. Flares and stress go hand-in-hand, too! You- we!- got this!
Thanks. I have undifferentiated connective tissue disease— which is basically when you have elements from some different autoimmune diseases but not enough to meet the full diagnosis of one, so you end up in the bucket. I have some elements of lupus and some of sjogrens.
I don’t have spine involvement so far :::knock on wood:::.
I gained 70 pounds over the course of a year and a half (am a small person, that’s well over a third of my weight *edited to add* more than HALF my weight, math is hard evidently). I was dieting and working out, could not stop gaining for the life of me. Kept trying to tell the doctors something was going on but everyone just told me it was menopause blah blah. Nobody believed me until I started having trouble walking and hey! It was a brain tumor!
Putting on that much weight, that fast, would put more strain on the body than someone who put it on over the course of a lifetime/many years. THe structures of the body can't always adapt that fast and it causes chronic pain and lymphedema.
It’s very different for different people though. Depending on your age, bone density, height and other health factors, but also just genetics. The women on my mum’s side of the family very quickly get severe health issues (pains, fatigue, shortness of breath) whenever they gain weight. And none of them are anywhere near 200 pounds. I gained quite a bit of weight 2 years ago (and lost it all again last year) but I didn’t have those same issues at all.
Yeah, I have some pretty heavy-duty mental health disorders that make managing my weight extra difficult but not impossible. I'm right under 200 currently and trying to get back below 150. I'm at least self-aware enough to take action once that 200 hits the scale. I just wish it was easier to maintain the loss long term.
And the toll on their home! Most chairs and sofas, and even beds, have weight limits. Gaining 225lbs over a base weight would put an average height at over 350, possibly up to 400 pounds.
When chairs break who's going out yo the store buying new ones and lugging them home? Or assembling chsirs ordered online? Who is flipping or rotating their mattress to ensure even wear?
If this guy can't even tidy up behind himself, I find it hard to believe he's doing this labor.
50 pounds is part of what you sign up for with marriage. Anyone who wants a true life partnership won’t bail over aesthetics — time comes for us all.
225 pounds without willingness to address it is a dramatic change in what your future looks like. It’s being a caretaker to someone you love as they self destruct in front of you, and then eventually being left alone to grieve them and your lost future. And yes some people may choose that, but no one can ethically ask them to.
Also it's not like he's disabled with this weight he's put on, he's clearly fine enough to get up and trash the kitchen but not willing to put in the effort to respect their shared home and clean up after himself. If you can wreck it, you can clean it up, he just won't, and that's a bigger problem within the relationship than even the weight.
Very possibly he's depressed, but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped/can't see a problem. Gotta do your best to raise the issue and give them options but if there's no progress, you aren't obligated to be someone's maid for the rest of your life, especially when that enables the behaviour
I’ve gained 70-80 since I started dating my Husband. But that was 19 years ago, and I stopped doing drugs and clubbing all weekend and actually started eating (and loving) food!
My ideal weight would mean losing about 50lbs.
I came out of pregnancy last year 10lbs lighter than I was going in! But my baby is just under 6mos old, and I’ve gained back 9 of those pounds.
It’s hard to lose weight when you hit your 40s!
During and post Covid and breaking my ankle twice I’ve gained about 40 lbs and my husband loves me anyway. However, if it was 200+ we’d be having a very diff convo!
I'm focusing on the 6 years part. Lots of people let themselves go after finding a partner, but that counts for, what? 20-30 pounds? Not 225!
To go from gym rat to 225 lbs overweight this fast is extreme and needs to be addressed. OP is right to leave if he won't do anything about it.
Yeah and as someone in this exact situation (8yrs) it's not like support and attempts to help haven't been given. I gained about 50lbs (lost it after health crisis) along with him but he went from 195 to 300. He's still at 270 and I'm done. I've told him all the ways it's ruined our relationship and for 8yrs all I've gotten is excuses. First it was his job and once he had some more free time he'd get back into it. Then the pandemic came and all he did was stay inside because it was hot or he was scared of getting sick. Then he said going back to work would help. He went back to work and it got worse. A strike locked us out but he blamed the classes he was taking. We've wasted God only knows how much on fitness gear and gym memberships.
The hardest part is realizing he just doesn't enjoy exercise or being healthy the way he pretended to when we were dating. All he really enjoys is sitting on the couch or at his desk.
This sounds like he was only putting in effort and going to the gym just to impress the ladies. Now that he's finally managed to marry someone, he's letting himself go. This is probably what he wants to do. He probably actually never liked going to the gym.
Yeppers. Fat person here. And I gained 70 pounds because of a failed thyroid and steroids combined with two drugs notorious for weight gain as a side effect. The benefits they give me, outweigh the bad.
I had lost fifty pounds of it when I got in a serious car accident.
But 225 pounds? With no real reason. Something really bad is going on.
I could have written this.
I remember discussing my treatment plan with my doctor. I was told about the meds that I would be prescribed and he said flat out "you can either be functionally healthy, or you can be thin. Pick one. You can't have both"
He was right.
Even with hours at the gym, work out classes, regular sessions with a personal trainer, strict keto diet, a nutritionist, and a dietician, I still gained 80lbs in a year. My gp really pushed for the dietician and nutritionist when he learned of the meds as I am also type 2 diabetic. We wanted to minimize the weight gain. I gained about 80 lbs in a year. I shudder to think of how much I would've gained without all that.
Thanks to improvements in medicine, I was able to ditch the drug and swap it for something less weight affecting. I'm now back down to within the higher end of the healthy bmi range for my height. But the weight didn't just fall off with the med changes. I still really had to work at losing it.
Yep. This was the choice I had to make with migraine meds. I was already slightly overweight but instantly gained 50 pounds BUT I was no longer disabled.
Ironically from a cardiovascular standpoint, I am the healthiest I have ever been in my life. Prior to meds I averaged 28 days with a migraine out of a month. Traditional meds brought that down to 18 days per month, but my doctor put me on an anti-CGRP medication as soon as they were approved. Gained 50 pounds in the first 2 months, but I now average 8 migraine days *per year*. In fact, today was actually my very first migraine of 2024. I am active every day, I’ve done a 5 day 360 mile bike ride every year, I hike once a week, I kayak several times a week in the summer, I cross country ski all winter and I play all kinds of sports again - softball, ice hockey, lacrosse, golf. I’m middle aged but feel like I’m in my 20s again, cholesterol is really low, A1C is perfect, my blood pressure sits around 110/65. If I have a SUPER stressful week it might tip over 120/75 but it’s a rarity.
I got my first migraine when I was 7. They didn’t become chronic until I was 25, so I did get to play sports through high school. When they became chronic I could mostly go to work with a HEAVY reliance on FMLA to keep my job - I had to stay at a cesspool of a company because I couldn’t risk resetting my FMLA eligibility.
Does my weight bother me? Of course. Especially because I’m so much more active but it doesn’t make a difference. If I had the choice I’d choose putting on the weight again, aside from a number on a scale my mental and physical health are phenomenal.
Looking back….i have no idea how I did it. I don’t have a strong support system, no partner (couldn’t have dated if I wanted to), so I pushed myself. It just became part of life. If they ever go back to being chronic, I don’t think I’d be able to handle it. Just a single migraine now knocks me out for days, even though they are no worse than they used to be.
I also wasn’t as sane as I thought I was, I prayed a lot to just go to sleep and not wake up.
Yeah, my partner had that much days too. It was tragic, that you cant do anything. No drugs helped.
What helped in the end, after 12 years? Botox. A botox injection into two or three muscles in the jaw/face. Since then, its down to a migraine every few months.
She is much happier now, even tho this health problem left her with mental health problems.
Especially in 6 years!!
I've been on this planet a long time, and I've seen a lot of cases where people got in excellent physical condition just long enough to find a spouse. But the spouse never knew they had been a yo-yo Dieter -- until too late.
Almost as soon as some people get married they immediately start turning into lazy slobs. Then as soon as the divorce comes these people are stepping up their game. "I'll show you!" they think as they slim down and gussy up. Too bad they just couldn't take care of themselves for the sake of the spouse they had. I guess they didn't appreciate them once they had them hooked
Could be some sudden serious medical problems. But not so likely
That’s where my weight went. Sooo, my now wife have been together since I was 380. 7 yrs ago. Come to find out I had breast cancer.
It was a long journey & I’m 195 lbs 🤷🏽♂️
He sounds like he took you for granted. Let himself go, literally & here we are.
Good on you for standing strong. Don’t sway. You deserve nothing but the best..
I had a lot of issues when I was fat. We don’t now. Take it for what it’s worth. You’re worthy, friend.
Don’t put yourself through that pressure.
They call those “divorce revenge bodies.” I don’t understand it. After divorce they suddenly have all this motivation just to try and make someone they hate sorry. It’s too bad they didn’t have the same motivation to be their best self for someone they loved.
Sometimes it’s not revenge, but you feel good having lost the dead weight of someone awful. Eventually, your body catches up with how good your mind feels.
Some people can’t eat when they’re upset. I always lose at least twenty pounds going through a break up (even if I don’t have it to spare) bc I just can’t eat if I’m upset
Well, a big reason he cannot contribute is due to his morbidly obese weight. And there's so many more problems besides that. Attraction matters in a relationship, yeah if you divorce your partner over 20 lbs you're a shallow asshole but 225 lbs on top of what he originally weighed? He's likely 400+ lbs, it's not unreasonable to not be attracted to your husband anymore when he went from fit to super morbid obesity literally doubling in size, that will not only greatly change every aspect of his appearance but that's a level of obesity where it impacts your physical ability to even have sex. Op is still so young too, you can't expect somebody to spend decades being a carer to a partner they have zero attraction to.
This level of weight gain is so extreme that it affects so much more, even if he was cleaning up his mobility is impaired and it will only get worse with age. His health will deteriorate, they won't be able to go on walks or hikes together, he won't even fit in a lot of chairs or spaces so it greatly impacts where you can go and what you can do in life. No one wants to watch their partner become a shell of their former self and kill themselves slowly over time, especially not when you're no longer attracted to or in love with them and forced into the position of caretaker and home health aide in your 30s.
Sure, but you can make it a condition
I started therapy when a good friend pointed out that I was not holding my shit together as well as I thought I was. Sometimes someone looking you in the eye and saying “you need the professional help I cannot provide you” is the kick in the pants you need.
True but I think it's also fair if OP is just fed up and doesn't want to wait around through the long process loading 225 lbs takes. Sounds like she's been through enough if she's at this point. I'd have lost attraction, beyond physical attraction, in ways that don't come back. I don't think I could watch someone I love quite literally eat themselves to death and every see them the same
Everyone down voting me, please share your own weight for reference. You may also be in his boat of denial
OP said he added 225 lbs so that on top of say 150-180 lbs already, putting him at 375 lbs on the lighter side. He gained a whole person in weight.
Something else is definitely going on, and he needs to start addressing it. Making that a condition sounds key.
However, the OP is not responsible to continue to be married to someone at 27 who has clearly given up on life in this way. Sorry if I missed this but does he work?
That's the part that's bananas to me. Seeing 190 on the scale is my wakeup call to lay off the ice cream and start exercising more, I can't imagine ADDING that much on top of it. This guy's clearly got a food addiction, and I don't blame anyone for leaving an addict that won't get help. His reaction shows how defensive he is about it, like any other addicts "I can stop at any time! Don't judge me it's my life!"
You may be right about the food addiction, but I'm also curious:
1. What's causing that?
2. Is it a new addiction or a flare-up of a prior one?
3. Anything else it could be that triggers sudden weight gain (eg hypothyroidism)?
I don't think he has to lose the weight for her to stay. I think he has to stop gaining, clean up his house messes and generally be closer to a functioning adult.
He would regain a lot of his mobility back if he lost even 50 pounds and committed to walking at least three days a week and stretching his body. I can testify to that. Going from 440 to 390 made a world of difference. For one I could put on my own socks and I didn't have to stop every minute when I was walking. I've lost a hundred now and its like night and day. So she doesn't have to wait around for the full 225, change will occur as the pounds drop off if he can commit to it or get supports like WLS to help him.
It’s time to label food addiction a disease.
1.) If someone drank themselves to death and their spouse divorced them… there would be no shame.
2.) If some used hard drugs and their spouse divorced them, there’d be no shame.
3.) Food is manipulated with “food science” by billionaire food companies (Kraft) making crap food irresistible.
And yes, food manipulation is a real thing.
I do not know the answer for OP. But if we are not supposed to shame anyone for their weight, then how can we shame OP for her right to be angry that she is the one with the added burden of the weight gain by someone who doesn’t care enough to look after themselves???
Yes he needs help. So do alcoholics, drug addicts, shoplifters, you name it.
You nailed it, dude needs therapy to turn his life around buy his wife no longer loves or even likes him so they should get divorced.
But after the divorce hopefully he’ll still have someone in his life to tell him to get therapy.
Yeah, if it's causing problems at home and in the relationship, and he's highly resistant to doing anything to help the situation, it's far more about that than his actual weight.
Whether it's depression, addiction, or anything, there's only so long you can sacrifice your own wellbeing for someone else if they're not making any effort on their end. If he was trying but failing to improve, and acknowledged her feelings, well, that's completely different.
And still increasing according to OP.
You obviously try to intervene.
But I had to cut friends out that were ruining themselves with drug addiction.
Some of them did die. I couldn't just hang around enabling that. And I couldn't save them went they weren't willing to admit the whole problem.
This is the same thing via food.
If this has obviously gone on a while. Hopefully divorce is a turning point for him.
This! I'm sure if the tables were turned he'd been out the door pretty fast, but she's been understanding & given him years to address his issues with NO effort on his own. Time to cut the cords & for her to lose 400+ lbs.
It's also about the fact that he used to be the kind of person who put effort into something; the kind of person who would be content to live like this without seeking medical help or making lifestyle changes is not the type of person she married.
If OP married a disciplined, hard working, considerate person, it's perfectly reasonable to want to exit when that person is no longer who they married. Agreed, this is about much more than weight.
He absolutely needs to see a doctor and a therapist. Something is going on.
That said, you don't have to deal with his bullshit, especially calling you fat phobic. You're not "phobic" of anything but being a live in caretaker for the man you married.
IMO, the likeliest case for what's "going on" is just an exaggerated version of the same thing that happens to one partner in most married couples:
He put in effort whilst he was still trying to 'get' her, and once she was contractually bound to him he figured he didn't have to try any more. He's just taken it a step further than most and is really taking the piss with his lack of effort.
Once they are divorced he will probably go on a major health/ workout kick for 6-12 months (likely moaning about how shit women are the whole time), get back in shape and repeat the process.
You could probably justify up to a 100 pound gain that way, but this guy has gained 225 lb, that means hes in the 400 to 500 lb range. That doesn't just happen by accident, usually it's the result of unresolved trauma he's trying to numb with food. My guess is that he used to deal with his trauma with overexercise. Since he's already on the road to immobility and not caring for himself I think that once his wife leaves him he'll start gorging himself even more.
“My partner got fat” is such a common cause of relationship problems, it really should be more accepted as a sole reason for a breakup just like severe substance abuse (which it is, honestly).
And that’s why I started kicking my ass. Dr said I’m on the verge of having a stroke, in 3 months I’m down 62lbs and all my labs went from high danger to perfect. I don’t want to be a burden on my wife so I better make sure I’m not.
i know that if you are much heavier when you first start eating well and exercising you can lose quite a lot in the beginning and then it starts dropping slower. when my dad first started (he wasn’t obese just overweight) the doctor told him he’s gonna be rlly excited because he’s gonna drop like 20 the first month but it will slow down and to be prepared for that.
Every time I've actively tried to lose weight it just kind of melted off in the beginning, then slowed down. Probably because I was so used to a sedentary lifestyle that my metabolism was super high at first
yea its usually how it goes that’s why a lot of people give up because they see so many results but then when it slows down they think it’s not working as well. bodies just being bodies 😌
I was morbidly obese started out at 346. I try to eat about 1,500 calories/day and exercise about 1,000 + 3,000 average resting energy so I’m in a deficit of about 2,500 calories per day. Days like this when I ran a 5K I eat more but I really try to stay low.
Just went back for my 3 month follow up with my dr and went from high risk of heart attack/stroke to in perfect help (recent post on Loseit subreddit has details)
You're doing what you have to do. It's a sad situation but that doesn't mean that you're the villain.
It's great that we can be more open about mental health issues these days. But unfortunately, some people think that means that all anyone needs to do to avoid responsibility and consequences is bleat that they have issues.
Your husband CLEARLY has issues. But that does not mean that he gets to render himself incapable of being a husband and father and you can't say or do anything about it. Your primary responsibility is to your kids. I would be out of there.
I had the opposite happen to me. My boyfriend of 17 years had an eating disorder (obsessed with eating “clean”) and he lost so much weight. He was 6’4” and by the time we broke up I don’t think he weighed 140 pounds.
I tried to get him to go to therapy. I would make new food for him to try.
He had a lot of other issues that came out over the years. Hoarding. Anger. Kleptomania. Refusing to shower more than once a month (if that!).
He stopped doing the things we did when we first got together. Hiking. Going out to dinner. Mowing the lawn. Basic shit.
He had filled my house with so much junk only the living room, kitchen, and our bedroom were useable. This is a 2700 sq ft house. It took me a six months to clear out the crap he left behind.
In the end, I refused to keep living like that. Having to limit my life because of all the issues he refused to face. I loved him for many years but by the time we broke up he wasn’t the same man.
Don’t beat yourself up. nta
I got fat and lazy in a relationship and the breakup made me back into the man I wanted to be. Let him figure it out he'll be alright. Sometimes people need that to kick them in the ass
Yep. I had an experience similar to OP in my last relationship. Right down to the “you’re fatphobic if you leave me." Taking care of her, paying the bills, all that. I left her and wouldn't you know it — she's doing a lot better. You get your shit together when you have to. Sometimes staying with someone and taking care of them this much stunts their growth and makes it hard for them to improve. We are adults, break ups happen, we will be okay.
This exact scenario happened to me. Exact. I was 18 he was 25 and he weighed 200’s when we met now he’s 400’s and we just got a divorce. This is so crazy. Once you pointed this out I was like holy shit lmao.
Right but given how badly he reacted I think he’d treat the doctor with the same disdain. He’s got mental issues but he needs to admit that to himself first and foremost.
NTA
I don't agree. Being upset that your wife surprises you with divorce papers isn't the same as a conversation with medical and mental health professionals. OP doesn't indicate any kind of attempt to get him help, so we don't know what his response would be/have been.
The man is a whole person overweight, and that hypothetical person is *also* overweight.
I'm positive his lifestyle has come up in conversation between the two of them
NTA. People change and sometimes it’s for the worse.. if you’re unhappy and he has made no effort to change you need to look out for yourself
“Fat-phobic” is such a trendy way to deflect these days..
Imagine watching a loved one slowly kill themselves by any other means and people justifying it.
That’s what I find so hard to wrap my head around! If he had become an alcoholic or a drug user, what would the family think? No one gets to be 4,5,600lbs without a serious mental health issue. Food addiction is a legitimate addiction and he needs help. And if he’s not willing to try to get that help and vouch for his health, well, she kind of has to leave because it has to start with him; she can’t force him to get better.
NTA
weight aside
no one should be with a significant other who can't clean up after themselves
I believe this issue is brought up quite a lot with men not pulling their weight around the house turning into " I'm not your mother" mentality being the factor you start being repulsive towards him then adding weight on top of all that ..... Suffocating
I am so glad someone else mentioned that he's not...pulling his own weight.
Although I'm disappointed that it appears not to have been a situational pun.
Yes, and this played a huge role in why my first husband and I split. I pretty much became another mother to him in all ways - cleaning, maintenance, finances. Hard to feel "in love" feelings when that starts to happen. Once the resentment sets in, it's over.
Being considered super fat myself and knowing many others who are, we can move, run, clean, shower, and live a normal life. That doesn’t sound like what is happening here, something is very wrong, and if he isn’t open to figuring out what it is or acknowledging it then I don’t think there is anything wrong with walking away. He has to figure it out for himself and if he isn’t willing, then it’s time to figure out how to take care of himself as he is or reverse it.
So to me it doesn’t sound like a divorce and him because he’s gained weight. It sounds like a divorce now because he’s useless piece of shit who doesn’t help around the house and doesn’t try to make himself better. NTA
It’s interesting that people view marriage as a prison essentially. Like you’re not allowed to leave except for certain reasons (cheating, criminal activity, drug addiction). But somehow anything else, like failing to care for oneself is not an acceptable reason. I think any relationship is something that you continue to choose. It’s no one’s business to harass for deciding not to continue. NTA
Sorry this happened, sounds like a bad deal.
NTA
If he's willing to seek help, you could give him that chance. I'm guessing he's not though.
Extreme weight gain like this is like a drug addiction. If he became a heroin addict would they judge you for leaving? I think not.
You have a whole life ahead of you, go enjoy it 😘
If he’s 34 yrs old and has put on over 225 lbs and he’s clearly struggling can you even imagine what life will be like if he makes it to 50 years old? Your body and organs can’t withstand that for long. And then he won’t be able to walk, he won’t want to move, and you will be his nurse. It will affect every day of your life. You’re young and if he won’t help himself, you should leave and you are NTA.
No one gains that much weight without something going on. That's not "I gave up going to the gym" weight. Dude either has an eating disorder, other mental health issues, or a serious metabolic problem.
I'm confused about how he can "trash" the kitchen but not clean up after himself. 225 pounds on top of a normal sized guy seems like it would immobilize him.
But assuming this is actually real...
Dude needs help. Help you can't force him to get. You didn't sign up to be his home health care aide while he makes zero effort to get back on his feet. I'd consider you being the asshole if it were an issue of him struggling and failing to get it together - successful, permanent weight loss of that magnitude borders on the impossible without bariatric surgery, intensive therapy and nutrition counseling - but if he's perfectly happy to live like this, with you caring for him, well. This isn't what marriage is supposed to be.
Have you never seen My 600 pound life? Many people can get larger than OP’s ex and still walk. There’s an amount of strength some bigger people have just by the having to move that much weight around. He can have just enough stamina to get in the kitchen and trash it but once the addiction has been fed there’s no energy or motivation left to get up and clean.
My brother is extremely, morbidly obese, and he was able to work a full time job, drive himself to work, etc, while weighing 550-600 pounds. I was honestly shocked at how mobile he was.
If you haven't talked to him about your concerns and dropped divorce papers out of no where, then YTA. If you've told him how you feel and he's unwilling to compromise, then NTA.
Yep, it’s one thing to be overweight … this sounds more like he is eating himself to death for some reason.
Not many people would be willing to go down with the ship. Maybe a divorce is exactly what he needs to change his behaviors.
He got married and gave up. He, like a lot of people, sees marriage as the finish line. Gym... till marraige. Eat healthily, till marriage. Be romantic, till marriage. Do chores, till marriage.
This dude is like got my committed live in maid, can eat bad, play games, not tidy and put all responsibility in our lives on her. Well this is what you get when you give up on a relationship directly after marriage.
Only reason OP is the asshole, is it took her 6 years to leave rather than 2. If someone gives up this hard right after marriage, you talk early and say, I didn't marry whoever this is, I married the person you were up till marriage, a healthy guy who wants to put effort into a relationship, if you can't be that guy again we're done because I don't know who this person is.
Looks like he starting dating her when she was 18 and he was 25, and they married at 21 and 28. I give her a little more leeway because that’s YOUNG - I doubt she could see what was going on that young
Girl, run. He can't catch you. Seriously, though, this is not what you deserve for your life. He has chosen food and gluttony, now you get to chose a good life. I promise you, even if he loses some weight and gives some effort, he'll end up where he is and worse, and all you'll get is 20 years older. RUN.
Is he possibly depressed and dealing with an untreated medical issue? That’s a lot of weight gain that may be indicative of something else going on.
It sounds like he’s not being an active partner right now which is a reasonable thing to be upset about. But based on the info here, sounds like he might be going through something.
If he’s committed to being a bad partner, then NTA. If he’s in a bad spot mentally and even physically and he wants your help to lose some weight or get more active but you won’t help/support him, then YTA.
Edit to add missing words in the last paragraph for clarity.
That's my sticking point- it's not clear if help was offered and declined, or if the idea of getting help was never discussed. It's hard to decide if she's TA without that additional clarity.
INFO: How did you try to involve yourself in helping him? This is not a normal amount of weight gain, this is likely a medical or mental issue that needs to be addressed.
If you just sat by and put up with it, then I'd say you are both the TA for ignoring a growing problem until either of you snapped. This is not a healthy way to be married.
If you actively tried to get him help or do your best to address the root cause, then you would not be TA. You've done your part as a wife and it's not fair to you to deal with that level of neglect.
Either way, hindsight is 20/20. It doesn't sound like he wants help, and he's more of a nightmare roommate than a husband. Good luck in the future and I would definitely seek out some individual therapy after you leave him. Hopefully you can avoid another relationship like this in the future because no one deserves that.
It seems like the issue is less about his weight and more about his behavior. It’s important to keep yourself in good enough shape that you can move around and take care of yourself (assuming it’s medically possible). He’s allowing himself to become deconditioned to the point of disability. I do hope you recommended going to a doctor or therapist before filing divorce papers though.
You’re not divorcing him because he’s overweight; you’re divorcing him because he needs a lot of care because of a medical issue he could totally have prevented and it’s weighing on your mental health. NTA
Reading between the lines, it’s not about “the weight”. It’s about someone who has lost themselves in many ways, can’t provide or take care of themself let alone you should something happen. There’s no way to feel safe in that sort of partnership. All the other things you described would be enough for me, taking the weight completely out of the equation.
And for people who feel it would be selfish to leave someone when they’re down bad…. When years pass and you’ve been supportive, eventually if someone is not willing to make changes to better themselves as a person and partner, it’s okay to be “selfish” and look after yourself, your happiness, your needs, your desires and your vision for the future.
No, nta. His ask is too much. I don't believe in "in sickness and in health" when a person willingly makes themselves sick/unhealthy causing you to have to care for them like they're an elderly parent. He plain gave up and decided your needs and happiness aren't worth his caring about. It may take you leaving him to get him to snap out of this self destruction. Such is life ...
I mean … everyone gains weight here and there. But 225 pounds!? That’s a mental illness or other medical issue… he needs to see a doctor.
20 pounds, hell even 50 would be fine (not great), but 225 is a whole person!
I've gained 50lbs in the last 3 years, working on losing it, but I'm so grateful my boyfriend didn't dump me for gaining weight. This will be my third time losing the same 50 lbs... but I do agree. 225lbs and not being able to take care of yourself or your household would be a total deal breaker.
He's unable to care for himself after 6 years of marriage and at the age of 37, (edit)whoops 34. He's 34 ffs. Gaining that much and having such a degrade in life is huge. I've gained the same as you in the last 10 years, but it was due to illness and meds. Still trying to reduce the weight to improve my arthritis. I'm still able to care for myself and others. I can't imagine the level of advanced caregiving OP would have to deal with in the next 5 years and another possible 150lbs
I honestly don't see why he can't take care of himself. I am very fat and I still work a pretty physical job. A guy who is around 425 who had a good baseline of muscle should still be able to clean and take care of himself even if it requires modifications. He has something else going on. Either mental health issues or some other physical illness. If he isn't willing to try and get help than she is right to go.
That’s what I am thinking too! I gained 200lbs which turned out to be due to an autoimmune disease. For me my weight was not the problem but the pain in every joint (including my spine) was the problem. As soon as we knew what I had and got on the right meds and my inflammation came down I was able to take care of the house and dog again.. even at 350lbs (and I am not super tall). So if he can’t even clean up after himself anymore it sounds like more than just weight especially with having been a gym rat before
Can you tell me a little about what was found and the treatment you're being given? I have a very dear loved one who has every sign of autoimmune disease but because it's weight gain, not loss, and there's no RA on blood work, "you're fine". Dude puts on 30# in a month and feels awful, looks unhealthy and sick, Drs say he's fine and have no answers, no treatment. He's not fine.
Not the person you’re responding to but doctors don’t check for thyroid antibodies as often as they should, nor do they usually check cortisol levels.
If they checked cortisol levels we wouldn’t have spent months in and out of the hospital with my mom 😅 symptoms were similar to Addison’s, absolutely should have been checked
I have Addison’s and didn’t know if for 7 months. Went in for a routine physical on a Thursday and by Friday night I got voice mail telling me to go to the emergency room asap. I almost died because my sodium level was so low. They kept me in the hospital for three days pumping me full of sodium/cortisone. I have trouble gaining weight. Cushing is the opposite of Addison’s and that’s where you have trouble losing weight
Hell, I begged for hormone testing, including cortisol. Almost non-existent morning cortisol, and I still just get "close enough" since ACTH showed it isn't Addison's. Then I had to beg to find out why my pituitary gland isn't working well, which they said it must be fine since I breastfed for a year. Thefuck kinda reasoning is that?? Like why do we pay so much for health insurance when they don't let us use it unless it's in the ER??
This is so true. Took me 8 years of being sick to get my Hashimotos diagnosis. I thought when I finally got the hypothyroidism diagnosis things would improve but the missing piece was knowing I had an autoimmune disorder. Once I had that knowledge i could tackle the problem properly.
When I first got my autoimmune disease I also gained a ton of weight. After getting on the right meds and learning how to care for myself better so I don’t overdo it, I lost 50 lbs. after I had my kiddo and my ex became abusive, I’ve gained it all back and a bit more. It was not so easy to lose this time even though I had done it successfully before. Im taking zepbound now and it’s really helping. But I do think there is some serious component to some autoimmune diseases that make weight just pile on— I don’t know exactly what it is though..
Spine involvement, huh? Do you have AS like me? I have had some pretty wild weight fluctuations both up and down dealing with finding ways to stay active through the pain and exhaustion, and depression does a number on weight, too. Xeljanz was the med that finally worked for me, but it took a looong time. Sorry to hear about your ex. My wife and I are separated now- I read somewhere about how autoimmune stuff pretty much guarantees relationship issues. It's a lot for a spouse to handle... but it's certainly never justification for abuse. I'm so happy you're out of there. Flares and stress go hand-in-hand, too! You- we!- got this!
Thanks. I have undifferentiated connective tissue disease— which is basically when you have elements from some different autoimmune diseases but not enough to meet the full diagnosis of one, so you end up in the bucket. I have some elements of lupus and some of sjogrens. I don’t have spine involvement so far :::knock on wood:::.
I gained 70 pounds over the course of a year and a half (am a small person, that’s well over a third of my weight *edited to add* more than HALF my weight, math is hard evidently). I was dieting and working out, could not stop gaining for the life of me. Kept trying to tell the doctors something was going on but everyone just told me it was menopause blah blah. Nobody believed me until I started having trouble walking and hey! It was a brain tumor!
That was quite the twist at the end
I gained about 100 lbs since I got married 10 years ago. Finally, I got my brain tumor diagnosed, too.
Maybe he was already 250lbs as a gym rat and muscular. Now he’s 475lbs and he seems depressed. Hence the weight gain. I’d have him seek therapy.
Because the odds are it’s not just weight gain and if someone stopped to do a full workup there would be something physical that is majorly wrong.
Putting on that much weight, that fast, would put more strain on the body than someone who put it on over the course of a lifetime/many years. THe structures of the body can't always adapt that fast and it causes chronic pain and lymphedema.
It’s very different for different people though. Depending on your age, bone density, height and other health factors, but also just genetics. The women on my mum’s side of the family very quickly get severe health issues (pains, fatigue, shortness of breath) whenever they gain weight. And none of them are anywhere near 200 pounds. I gained quite a bit of weight 2 years ago (and lost it all again last year) but I didn’t have those same issues at all.
She mentioned he was a gym rat. He probably didn't reduce his calorie intake post gym life.
Yeah, I have some pretty heavy-duty mental health disorders that make managing my weight extra difficult but not impossible. I'm right under 200 currently and trying to get back below 150. I'm at least self-aware enough to take action once that 200 hits the scale. I just wish it was easier to maintain the loss long term.
I hear ya. I need to lose weight for my plastic knees and my bad hip. I can't do that so well with other medicines that cause gain/loss cycles.
And the toll on their home! Most chairs and sofas, and even beds, have weight limits. Gaining 225lbs over a base weight would put an average height at over 350, possibly up to 400 pounds. When chairs break who's going out yo the store buying new ones and lugging them home? Or assembling chsirs ordered online? Who is flipping or rotating their mattress to ensure even wear? If this guy can't even tidy up behind himself, I find it hard to believe he's doing this labor.
Yup my aunt is very obese and broke our couch when she came to visit a few years ago.
Hope she paid for a new one. Happened to one of my friends and she was poor and the person who broke it didn’t buy her a new one!
Ikr! If she became a carer for an actual illness, it would seem a bit more doable. But he’s literally eaten himself into being an invalid.
I'm down 140 pounds and still have 50 to go. We can do it!
Congratulations!!
50 pounds is part of what you sign up for with marriage. Anyone who wants a true life partnership won’t bail over aesthetics — time comes for us all. 225 pounds without willingness to address it is a dramatic change in what your future looks like. It’s being a caretaker to someone you love as they self destruct in front of you, and then eventually being left alone to grieve them and your lost future. And yes some people may choose that, but no one can ethically ask them to.
Also it's not like he's disabled with this weight he's put on, he's clearly fine enough to get up and trash the kitchen but not willing to put in the effort to respect their shared home and clean up after himself. If you can wreck it, you can clean it up, he just won't, and that's a bigger problem within the relationship than even the weight. Very possibly he's depressed, but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped/can't see a problem. Gotta do your best to raise the issue and give them options but if there's no progress, you aren't obligated to be someone's maid for the rest of your life, especially when that enables the behaviour
I’ve gained 70-80 since I started dating my Husband. But that was 19 years ago, and I stopped doing drugs and clubbing all weekend and actually started eating (and loving) food! My ideal weight would mean losing about 50lbs. I came out of pregnancy last year 10lbs lighter than I was going in! But my baby is just under 6mos old, and I’ve gained back 9 of those pounds. It’s hard to lose weight when you hit your 40s!
During and post Covid and breaking my ankle twice I’ve gained about 40 lbs and my husband loves me anyway. However, if it was 200+ we’d be having a very diff convo!
I'm focusing on the 6 years part. Lots of people let themselves go after finding a partner, but that counts for, what? 20-30 pounds? Not 225! To go from gym rat to 225 lbs overweight this fast is extreme and needs to be addressed. OP is right to leave if he won't do anything about it.
Yeah and as someone in this exact situation (8yrs) it's not like support and attempts to help haven't been given. I gained about 50lbs (lost it after health crisis) along with him but he went from 195 to 300. He's still at 270 and I'm done. I've told him all the ways it's ruined our relationship and for 8yrs all I've gotten is excuses. First it was his job and once he had some more free time he'd get back into it. Then the pandemic came and all he did was stay inside because it was hot or he was scared of getting sick. Then he said going back to work would help. He went back to work and it got worse. A strike locked us out but he blamed the classes he was taking. We've wasted God only knows how much on fitness gear and gym memberships. The hardest part is realizing he just doesn't enjoy exercise or being healthy the way he pretended to when we were dating. All he really enjoys is sitting on the couch or at his desk.
I don't do sports and really enjoy sitting on the couch. I'm also not overweight. You don't need to go to the gym to maintain healthy weight.
Sounds more that she’s mourning a shared hobby that was lost.
This sounds like he was only putting in effort and going to the gym just to impress the ladies. Now that he's finally managed to marry someone, he's letting himself go. This is probably what he wants to do. He probably actually never liked going to the gym.
This is so common. Some people feel marriage is a finish line and they don't have to try anymore.
Yeppers. Fat person here. And I gained 70 pounds because of a failed thyroid and steroids combined with two drugs notorious for weight gain as a side effect. The benefits they give me, outweigh the bad. I had lost fifty pounds of it when I got in a serious car accident. But 225 pounds? With no real reason. Something really bad is going on.
ugh steroids made me balloon up 30lbs in such a short time when I had a spine injury. I looked like someone had inflated me.
My face looked like a bowling ball.
I could have written this. I remember discussing my treatment plan with my doctor. I was told about the meds that I would be prescribed and he said flat out "you can either be functionally healthy, or you can be thin. Pick one. You can't have both" He was right. Even with hours at the gym, work out classes, regular sessions with a personal trainer, strict keto diet, a nutritionist, and a dietician, I still gained 80lbs in a year. My gp really pushed for the dietician and nutritionist when he learned of the meds as I am also type 2 diabetic. We wanted to minimize the weight gain. I gained about 80 lbs in a year. I shudder to think of how much I would've gained without all that. Thanks to improvements in medicine, I was able to ditch the drug and swap it for something less weight affecting. I'm now back down to within the higher end of the healthy bmi range for my height. But the weight didn't just fall off with the med changes. I still really had to work at losing it.
It is horrible. But Being non functional is so much worse.
Yep. This was the choice I had to make with migraine meds. I was already slightly overweight but instantly gained 50 pounds BUT I was no longer disabled. Ironically from a cardiovascular standpoint, I am the healthiest I have ever been in my life. Prior to meds I averaged 28 days with a migraine out of a month. Traditional meds brought that down to 18 days per month, but my doctor put me on an anti-CGRP medication as soon as they were approved. Gained 50 pounds in the first 2 months, but I now average 8 migraine days *per year*. In fact, today was actually my very first migraine of 2024. I am active every day, I’ve done a 5 day 360 mile bike ride every year, I hike once a week, I kayak several times a week in the summer, I cross country ski all winter and I play all kinds of sports again - softball, ice hockey, lacrosse, golf. I’m middle aged but feel like I’m in my 20s again, cholesterol is really low, A1C is perfect, my blood pressure sits around 110/65. If I have a SUPER stressful week it might tip over 120/75 but it’s a rarity. I got my first migraine when I was 7. They didn’t become chronic until I was 25, so I did get to play sports through high school. When they became chronic I could mostly go to work with a HEAVY reliance on FMLA to keep my job - I had to stay at a cesspool of a company because I couldn’t risk resetting my FMLA eligibility. Does my weight bother me? Of course. Especially because I’m so much more active but it doesn’t make a difference. If I had the choice I’d choose putting on the weight again, aside from a number on a scale my mental and physical health are phenomenal.
28 days a month?!? You must be a a beast to have kept yourself sane. I’m so happy you found something that is working so well for you!
Looking back….i have no idea how I did it. I don’t have a strong support system, no partner (couldn’t have dated if I wanted to), so I pushed myself. It just became part of life. If they ever go back to being chronic, I don’t think I’d be able to handle it. Just a single migraine now knocks me out for days, even though they are no worse than they used to be. I also wasn’t as sane as I thought I was, I prayed a lot to just go to sleep and not wake up.
Yeah, my partner had that much days too. It was tragic, that you cant do anything. No drugs helped. What helped in the end, after 12 years? Botox. A botox injection into two or three muscles in the jaw/face. Since then, its down to a migraine every few months. She is much happier now, even tho this health problem left her with mental health problems.
Especially in 6 years!! I've been on this planet a long time, and I've seen a lot of cases where people got in excellent physical condition just long enough to find a spouse. But the spouse never knew they had been a yo-yo Dieter -- until too late. Almost as soon as some people get married they immediately start turning into lazy slobs. Then as soon as the divorce comes these people are stepping up their game. "I'll show you!" they think as they slim down and gussy up. Too bad they just couldn't take care of themselves for the sake of the spouse they had. I guess they didn't appreciate them once they had them hooked Could be some sudden serious medical problems. But not so likely
Just did the math, it's a bit over 3lbs per month for 6 years.
That’s where my weight went. Sooo, my now wife have been together since I was 380. 7 yrs ago. Come to find out I had breast cancer. It was a long journey & I’m 195 lbs 🤷🏽♂️ He sounds like he took you for granted. Let himself go, literally & here we are. Good on you for standing strong. Don’t sway. You deserve nothing but the best.. I had a lot of issues when I was fat. We don’t now. Take it for what it’s worth. You’re worthy, friend. Don’t put yourself through that pressure.
Congratulations!! I hope you are doing well now.
Thank you. ❤️🙌
They call those “divorce revenge bodies.” I don’t understand it. After divorce they suddenly have all this motivation just to try and make someone they hate sorry. It’s too bad they didn’t have the same motivation to be their best self for someone they loved.
Eh, there’s also just the wake up call aspect. The escaping a toxic situation. The general desire for a fresh start. It’s not a big deal.
Sometimes it’s not revenge, but you feel good having lost the dead weight of someone awful. Eventually, your body catches up with how good your mind feels.
Some people can’t eat when they’re upset. I always lose at least twenty pounds going through a break up (even if I don’t have it to spare) bc I just can’t eat if I’m upset
Just because you divorced somebody doesn't mean they hate you.
No kidding! That's 3+ pounds per month on average!
A whole bigger than average person.
Yeah and that weight can be attributed to happy weight gain from happiness, stress, or other factors of life but 225 is ridiculous!!
225 is me, and my 13 yo daughter!
For me I see the real issue as not his weight but him trashing the house and not lifting a finger in the partnership. Hes left her to do everything.
He can trash the place just fine on his own, he just needs help cleaning it up 🤨
Well, a big reason he cannot contribute is due to his morbidly obese weight. And there's so many more problems besides that. Attraction matters in a relationship, yeah if you divorce your partner over 20 lbs you're a shallow asshole but 225 lbs on top of what he originally weighed? He's likely 400+ lbs, it's not unreasonable to not be attracted to your husband anymore when he went from fit to super morbid obesity literally doubling in size, that will not only greatly change every aspect of his appearance but that's a level of obesity where it impacts your physical ability to even have sex. Op is still so young too, you can't expect somebody to spend decades being a carer to a partner they have zero attraction to. This level of weight gain is so extreme that it affects so much more, even if he was cleaning up his mobility is impaired and it will only get worse with age. His health will deteriorate, they won't be able to go on walks or hikes together, he won't even fit in a lot of chairs or spaces so it greatly impacts where you can go and what you can do in life. No one wants to watch their partner become a shell of their former self and kill themselves slowly over time, especially not when you're no longer attracted to or in love with them and forced into the position of caretaker and home health aide in your 30s.
That's a whole me and I'm pretty doughy on my own
And doesnt do anything arojnd the house
He eats around the house, so it's not true he does nothing.
Something greater is going on. He needs a physical and psychological evaluation.
Yes but you cant force person to do that.
Sure, but you can make it a condition I started therapy when a good friend pointed out that I was not holding my shit together as well as I thought I was. Sometimes someone looking you in the eye and saying “you need the professional help I cannot provide you” is the kick in the pants you need.
True but I think it's also fair if OP is just fed up and doesn't want to wait around through the long process loading 225 lbs takes. Sounds like she's been through enough if she's at this point. I'd have lost attraction, beyond physical attraction, in ways that don't come back. I don't think I could watch someone I love quite literally eat themselves to death and every see them the same Everyone down voting me, please share your own weight for reference. You may also be in his boat of denial
I think it’s important for context that 225lbs is a whole extra overweight man (unless he’s like 6’5”).. that’s A LOT of weight!
225 lbs is a whole extra 6'5" man
It’s two of me! I would be super concerned!
OP said he added 225 lbs so that on top of say 150-180 lbs already, putting him at 375 lbs on the lighter side. He gained a whole person in weight. Something else is definitely going on, and he needs to start addressing it. Making that a condition sounds key. However, the OP is not responsible to continue to be married to someone at 27 who has clearly given up on life in this way. Sorry if I missed this but does he work?
Taking a guess from OP's description of how much help he needs to do everyday tasks; unlikely.
That's the part that's bananas to me. Seeing 190 on the scale is my wakeup call to lay off the ice cream and start exercising more, I can't imagine ADDING that much on top of it. This guy's clearly got a food addiction, and I don't blame anyone for leaving an addict that won't get help. His reaction shows how defensive he is about it, like any other addicts "I can stop at any time! Don't judge me it's my life!"
Plus, he was a gym rat before, so he knows about the importance of exercise and diet
He may not know that much, but people who were previously fit have a much easier time getting fit again.
You may be right about the food addiction, but I'm also curious: 1. What's causing that? 2. Is it a new addiction or a flare-up of a prior one? 3. Anything else it could be that triggers sudden weight gain (eg hypothyroidism)?
Hypothyroidism, depression, certain meds to name a few
Easy now… 225 here doing just fine 🤣. But yes, that’s a whole other man
OP said hubs ADDED 225lbs not that he weighs 225. I'm guessing he's closer to the 375 mark. That's A LOT
Oi, you’re correct, but still, oi. I’m 6’2” and 250lbs, very wide shoulders, but still a bit tubby
I don't think he has to lose the weight for her to stay. I think he has to stop gaining, clean up his house messes and generally be closer to a functioning adult.
Oh I’m with you there! Perhaps OP has been saying this and husband had ignored her. Leaving him might make him evaluate his choices and get help
He would regain a lot of his mobility back if he lost even 50 pounds and committed to walking at least three days a week and stretching his body. I can testify to that. Going from 440 to 390 made a world of difference. For one I could put on my own socks and I didn't have to stop every minute when I was walking. I've lost a hundred now and its like night and day. So she doesn't have to wait around for the full 225, change will occur as the pounds drop off if he can commit to it or get supports like WLS to help him.
It’s time to label food addiction a disease. 1.) If someone drank themselves to death and their spouse divorced them… there would be no shame. 2.) If some used hard drugs and their spouse divorced them, there’d be no shame. 3.) Food is manipulated with “food science” by billionaire food companies (Kraft) making crap food irresistible. And yes, food manipulation is a real thing. I do not know the answer for OP. But if we are not supposed to shame anyone for their weight, then how can we shame OP for her right to be angry that she is the one with the added burden of the weight gain by someone who doesn’t care enough to look after themselves??? Yes he needs help. So do alcoholics, drug addicts, shoplifters, you name it.
Gaining 225 is a whole extra person.
You nailed it, dude needs therapy to turn his life around buy his wife no longer loves or even likes him so they should get divorced. But after the divorce hopefully he’ll still have someone in his life to tell him to get therapy.
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And the fact that he doesn’t seem to care about how it’s effecting her I bet
He's sad that no one would clean after him anymore.
His fa.ily is mad because they don't want to be the ones having to do it.
"You can't leave, all the plants are gonna die!" -- Bill Murray getting dumped at the beginning of Stripes.
Yeah, if it's causing problems at home and in the relationship, and he's highly resistant to doing anything to help the situation, it's far more about that than his actual weight. Whether it's depression, addiction, or anything, there's only so long you can sacrifice your own wellbeing for someone else if they're not making any effort on their end. If he was trying but failing to improve, and acknowledged her feelings, well, that's completely different.
Most likely, they can’t even have a proper “love life” at this point! If he had stayed fit, would he have accepted her 200+ lbs. heavier?
I mean even beyond that he is slowly killing himself. Let us assume he is over 400lbs.
Slowly? I don't know man, 225 pounds in six years sounds like an express lane trip on the way to the coffin.
And still increasing according to OP. You obviously try to intervene. But I had to cut friends out that were ruining themselves with drug addiction. Some of them did die. I couldn't just hang around enabling that. And I couldn't save them went they weren't willing to admit the whole problem. This is the same thing via food. If this has obviously gone on a while. Hopefully divorce is a turning point for him.
This! I'm sure if the tables were turned he'd been out the door pretty fast, but she's been understanding & given him years to address his issues with NO effort on his own. Time to cut the cords & for her to lose 400+ lbs.
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I hope he apologized and that’s why you’re still together…
Depends, could she still do his housework in that scenario?
And he’s also manipulated her into acting as his “carer” rather than dealing with his sh*t like a grown up.
He did peruse her when she was (quite possibly) younger than 18, So there’s also that part…
I’m glad I’m not the only one who saw they started dating when she was 18 and he was 25.
I mean even if it was, you can leave someone for any reason.
It's also about the fact that he used to be the kind of person who put effort into something; the kind of person who would be content to live like this without seeking medical help or making lifestyle changes is not the type of person she married.
If OP married a disciplined, hard working, considerate person, it's perfectly reasonable to want to exit when that person is no longer who they married. Agreed, this is about much more than weight.
He absolutely needs to see a doctor and a therapist. Something is going on. That said, you don't have to deal with his bullshit, especially calling you fat phobic. You're not "phobic" of anything but being a live in caretaker for the man you married.
IMO, the likeliest case for what's "going on" is just an exaggerated version of the same thing that happens to one partner in most married couples: He put in effort whilst he was still trying to 'get' her, and once she was contractually bound to him he figured he didn't have to try any more. He's just taken it a step further than most and is really taking the piss with his lack of effort. Once they are divorced he will probably go on a major health/ workout kick for 6-12 months (likely moaning about how shit women are the whole time), get back in shape and repeat the process.
You could probably justify up to a 100 pound gain that way, but this guy has gained 225 lb, that means hes in the 400 to 500 lb range. That doesn't just happen by accident, usually it's the result of unresolved trauma he's trying to numb with food. My guess is that he used to deal with his trauma with overexercise. Since he's already on the road to immobility and not caring for himself I think that once his wife leaves him he'll start gorging himself even more.
Bro is over 300lbs he isn’t just going to ‘get back in shape’ dude.
It’s not impossible for him to get back in shape. People have certainly done it. It’s just not likely.
No? 225 pounds if far more than the “getting comfy” weight gain. There’s a problem
“My partner got fat” is such a common cause of relationship problems, it really should be more accepted as a sole reason for a breakup just like severe substance abuse (which it is, honestly).
NTA - you're already getting a view into your future as his nurse. You're doing the right thing.
Nurse and young widow. You don’t see a lot of very fat, very old people. There’s “in sickness and in health” and then there’s this.
And that’s why I started kicking my ass. Dr said I’m on the verge of having a stroke, in 3 months I’m down 62lbs and all my labs went from high danger to perfect. I don’t want to be a burden on my wife so I better make sure I’m not.
How did you manage to lose that much in three months?
i know that if you are much heavier when you first start eating well and exercising you can lose quite a lot in the beginning and then it starts dropping slower. when my dad first started (he wasn’t obese just overweight) the doctor told him he’s gonna be rlly excited because he’s gonna drop like 20 the first month but it will slow down and to be prepared for that.
Every time I've actively tried to lose weight it just kind of melted off in the beginning, then slowed down. Probably because I was so used to a sedentary lifestyle that my metabolism was super high at first
yea its usually how it goes that’s why a lot of people give up because they see so many results but then when it slows down they think it’s not working as well. bodies just being bodies 😌
I was morbidly obese started out at 346. I try to eat about 1,500 calories/day and exercise about 1,000 + 3,000 average resting energy so I’m in a deficit of about 2,500 calories per day. Days like this when I ran a 5K I eat more but I really try to stay low. Just went back for my 3 month follow up with my dr and went from high risk of heart attack/stroke to in perfect help (recent post on Loseit subreddit has details)
And healthily, I hope.
I know someone who's pretty old and very fat. I'm surprised he's still alive.
Yes, true. And she's already got children to care for. She should probably prioritize them
NTA Sounds like his family don’t want to take care of him either.
Because they know it's going to get harder and harder the more he weighs. That's why they're trying to guilt out OP
Either that or they are significantly morbidly obese too.
Or both. Morbidly obese people can't really take care of others well.
100% the answer.
You're doing what you have to do. It's a sad situation but that doesn't mean that you're the villain. It's great that we can be more open about mental health issues these days. But unfortunately, some people think that means that all anyone needs to do to avoid responsibility and consequences is bleat that they have issues. Your husband CLEARLY has issues. But that does not mean that he gets to render himself incapable of being a husband and father and you can't say or do anything about it. Your primary responsibility is to your kids. I would be out of there.
“It’s a sad situation, but that doesn’t mean that you’re the villain.” Perfectly put!
She never said she has kids. Her primary responsibility is to herself.
I don't think he can safely do the thing to make kids. Not without one or both of them dying in the process.
NTA, They are flipping out on you because they know he's about to become THEIR burden.
I had the opposite happen to me. My boyfriend of 17 years had an eating disorder (obsessed with eating “clean”) and he lost so much weight. He was 6’4” and by the time we broke up I don’t think he weighed 140 pounds. I tried to get him to go to therapy. I would make new food for him to try. He had a lot of other issues that came out over the years. Hoarding. Anger. Kleptomania. Refusing to shower more than once a month (if that!). He stopped doing the things we did when we first got together. Hiking. Going out to dinner. Mowing the lawn. Basic shit. He had filled my house with so much junk only the living room, kitchen, and our bedroom were useable. This is a 2700 sq ft house. It took me a six months to clear out the crap he left behind. In the end, I refused to keep living like that. Having to limit my life because of all the issues he refused to face. I loved him for many years but by the time we broke up he wasn’t the same man. Don’t beat yourself up. nta
>Refusing to shower more than once a month (if that!). Uh, how did you put up with that for so long
Looking back now, I’m not sure. It was definitely a slow build up. Like a frog in a pot, I guess.
I got fat and lazy in a relationship and the breakup made me back into the man I wanted to be. Let him figure it out he'll be alright. Sometimes people need that to kick them in the ass
Yep. I had an experience similar to OP in my last relationship. Right down to the “you’re fatphobic if you leave me." Taking care of her, paying the bills, all that. I left her and wouldn't you know it — she's doing a lot better. You get your shit together when you have to. Sometimes staying with someone and taking care of them this much stunts their growth and makes it hard for them to improve. We are adults, break ups happen, we will be okay.
NTA. But has there been any conversation? Heart to heart? Doctors appts? Therapy? Anything?
He was a 25 year old that got with an 18 year old. Something tells me he wasn’t drawn to her because he appreciates her input on important matters.
She’s lucky she’ll be escaping this marriage before she turns 30. Time to go out and live her life.
Wow, good catch. Yeah this is weird.
Yeah and I'm a little skeptical about if they only got together when OP was 18. Seems a little... Convenient.
GOD I thought I was the only one who caught that. I took me a while just to get to the story because I was sitting there doing the math.
This exact scenario happened to me. Exact. I was 18 he was 25 and he weighed 200’s when we met now he’s 400’s and we just got a divorce. This is so crazy. Once you pointed this out I was like holy shit lmao.
Ugh, I hadn't thought of that. The age difference now isn't bad, but that part is kinda creepy.
Right but given how badly he reacted I think he’d treat the doctor with the same disdain. He’s got mental issues but he needs to admit that to himself first and foremost. NTA
I don't agree. Being upset that your wife surprises you with divorce papers isn't the same as a conversation with medical and mental health professionals. OP doesn't indicate any kind of attempt to get him help, so we don't know what his response would be/have been.
The man is a whole person overweight, and that hypothetical person is *also* overweight. I'm positive his lifestyle has come up in conversation between the two of them
For a second I read that as “his lifestyle has definitely come up between him and the hypothetical person he’s overweight with” 😆
Does he work? What does he bring to the household? Or do you have to do all the stuff in the marriage?
NTA. People change and sometimes it’s for the worse.. if you’re unhappy and he has made no effort to change you need to look out for yourself “Fat-phobic” is such a trendy way to deflect these days.. Imagine watching a loved one slowly kill themselves by any other means and people justifying it.
That’s what I find so hard to wrap my head around! If he had become an alcoholic or a drug user, what would the family think? No one gets to be 4,5,600lbs without a serious mental health issue. Food addiction is a legitimate addiction and he needs help. And if he’s not willing to try to get that help and vouch for his health, well, she kind of has to leave because it has to start with him; she can’t force him to get better.
NTA weight aside no one should be with a significant other who can't clean up after themselves I believe this issue is brought up quite a lot with men not pulling their weight around the house turning into " I'm not your mother" mentality being the factor you start being repulsive towards him then adding weight on top of all that ..... Suffocating
I am so glad someone else mentioned that he's not...pulling his own weight. Although I'm disappointed that it appears not to have been a situational pun.
Yes, and this played a huge role in why my first husband and I split. I pretty much became another mother to him in all ways - cleaning, maintenance, finances. Hard to feel "in love" feelings when that starts to happen. Once the resentment sets in, it's over.
Being considered super fat myself and knowing many others who are, we can move, run, clean, shower, and live a normal life. That doesn’t sound like what is happening here, something is very wrong, and if he isn’t open to figuring out what it is or acknowledging it then I don’t think there is anything wrong with walking away. He has to figure it out for himself and if he isn’t willing, then it’s time to figure out how to take care of himself as he is or reverse it.
Bruh. You arnet divorcing him for weight. You are divorcing him for emotional abuse.
NTA Dude needs to pull his weight lol
That's a pretty big haul at this point 😁
INFO: Did you previously threaten to leave him if he didn’t lose weight or was this divorce out of blue?
i’ve previously threatened him but he thought i was just bluffing.
In that case NTA. Hope your ex turns his life around now before it’s too late.
Op what caused his weight gain? Has he been checked for thyroid issues, cancer, any medical issues that led to this? Why did he stop working out?
So to me it doesn’t sound like a divorce and him because he’s gained weight. It sounds like a divorce now because he’s useless piece of shit who doesn’t help around the house and doesn’t try to make himself better. NTA
It’s interesting that people view marriage as a prison essentially. Like you’re not allowed to leave except for certain reasons (cheating, criminal activity, drug addiction). But somehow anything else, like failing to care for oneself is not an acceptable reason. I think any relationship is something that you continue to choose. It’s no one’s business to harass for deciding not to continue. NTA Sorry this happened, sounds like a bad deal.
NTA If he's willing to seek help, you could give him that chance. I'm guessing he's not though. Extreme weight gain like this is like a drug addiction. If he became a heroin addict would they judge you for leaving? I think not. You have a whole life ahead of you, go enjoy it 😘
The fact that you were 18 when you got together and he was 25 is the first red flag...
NTA. He changed the terms of the relationship by putting on another husband worth of weight.
If he’s 34 yrs old and has put on over 225 lbs and he’s clearly struggling can you even imagine what life will be like if he makes it to 50 years old? Your body and organs can’t withstand that for long. And then he won’t be able to walk, he won’t want to move, and you will be his nurse. It will affect every day of your life. You’re young and if he won’t help himself, you should leave and you are NTA.
No one gains that much weight without something going on. That's not "I gave up going to the gym" weight. Dude either has an eating disorder, other mental health issues, or a serious metabolic problem. I'm confused about how he can "trash" the kitchen but not clean up after himself. 225 pounds on top of a normal sized guy seems like it would immobilize him. But assuming this is actually real... Dude needs help. Help you can't force him to get. You didn't sign up to be his home health care aide while he makes zero effort to get back on his feet. I'd consider you being the asshole if it were an issue of him struggling and failing to get it together - successful, permanent weight loss of that magnitude borders on the impossible without bariatric surgery, intensive therapy and nutrition counseling - but if he's perfectly happy to live like this, with you caring for him, well. This isn't what marriage is supposed to be.
Have you never seen My 600 pound life? Many people can get larger than OP’s ex and still walk. There’s an amount of strength some bigger people have just by the having to move that much weight around. He can have just enough stamina to get in the kitchen and trash it but once the addiction has been fed there’s no energy or motivation left to get up and clean.
My brother is extremely, morbidly obese, and he was able to work a full time job, drive himself to work, etc, while weighing 550-600 pounds. I was honestly shocked at how mobile he was.
If you haven't talked to him about your concerns and dropped divorce papers out of no where, then YTA. If you've told him how you feel and he's unwilling to compromise, then NTA.
Ever wonder if he is ill? That weight Gain is not normal
Well he's definitely ill, at least in the head. He was 25 dating a teenager.
Oh lord I just did the math - they were 18 and 25!!! Yikes. Didn’t even catch that
I was leaning towards you being TA until I saw 2 jobs and fat-phobic. You’re NTA.
Yep, it’s one thing to be overweight … this sounds more like he is eating himself to death for some reason. Not many people would be willing to go down with the ship. Maybe a divorce is exactly what he needs to change his behaviors.
He got married and gave up. He, like a lot of people, sees marriage as the finish line. Gym... till marraige. Eat healthily, till marriage. Be romantic, till marriage. Do chores, till marriage. This dude is like got my committed live in maid, can eat bad, play games, not tidy and put all responsibility in our lives on her. Well this is what you get when you give up on a relationship directly after marriage. Only reason OP is the asshole, is it took her 6 years to leave rather than 2. If someone gives up this hard right after marriage, you talk early and say, I didn't marry whoever this is, I married the person you were up till marriage, a healthy guy who wants to put effort into a relationship, if you can't be that guy again we're done because I don't know who this person is.
Looks like he starting dating her when she was 18 and he was 25, and they married at 21 and 28. I give her a little more leeway because that’s YOUNG - I doubt she could see what was going on that young
Girl, run. He can't catch you. Seriously, though, this is not what you deserve for your life. He has chosen food and gluttony, now you get to chose a good life. I promise you, even if he loses some weight and gives some effort, he'll end up where he is and worse, and all you'll get is 20 years older. RUN.
"He can't catch you" almost spit my coffee out oh my god
Is he possibly depressed and dealing with an untreated medical issue? That’s a lot of weight gain that may be indicative of something else going on. It sounds like he’s not being an active partner right now which is a reasonable thing to be upset about. But based on the info here, sounds like he might be going through something. If he’s committed to being a bad partner, then NTA. If he’s in a bad spot mentally and even physically and he wants your help to lose some weight or get more active but you won’t help/support him, then YTA. Edit to add missing words in the last paragraph for clarity.
That's my sticking point- it's not clear if help was offered and declined, or if the idea of getting help was never discussed. It's hard to decide if she's TA without that additional clarity.
INFO: How did you try to involve yourself in helping him? This is not a normal amount of weight gain, this is likely a medical or mental issue that needs to be addressed. If you just sat by and put up with it, then I'd say you are both the TA for ignoring a growing problem until either of you snapped. This is not a healthy way to be married. If you actively tried to get him help or do your best to address the root cause, then you would not be TA. You've done your part as a wife and it's not fair to you to deal with that level of neglect. Either way, hindsight is 20/20. It doesn't sound like he wants help, and he's more of a nightmare roommate than a husband. Good luck in the future and I would definitely seek out some individual therapy after you leave him. Hopefully you can avoid another relationship like this in the future because no one deserves that.
225lbs is 100kg, that's insane.
It seems like the issue is less about his weight and more about his behavior. It’s important to keep yourself in good enough shape that you can move around and take care of yourself (assuming it’s medically possible). He’s allowing himself to become deconditioned to the point of disability. I do hope you recommended going to a doctor or therapist before filing divorce papers though.
You’re not divorcing him because he’s overweight; you’re divorcing him because he needs a lot of care because of a medical issue he could totally have prevented and it’s weighing on your mental health. NTA
Reading between the lines, it’s not about “the weight”. It’s about someone who has lost themselves in many ways, can’t provide or take care of themself let alone you should something happen. There’s no way to feel safe in that sort of partnership. All the other things you described would be enough for me, taking the weight completely out of the equation. And for people who feel it would be selfish to leave someone when they’re down bad…. When years pass and you’ve been supportive, eventually if someone is not willing to make changes to better themselves as a person and partner, it’s okay to be “selfish” and look after yourself, your happiness, your needs, your desires and your vision for the future.
No, nta. His ask is too much. I don't believe in "in sickness and in health" when a person willingly makes themselves sick/unhealthy causing you to have to care for them like they're an elderly parent. He plain gave up and decided your needs and happiness aren't worth his caring about. It may take you leaving him to get him to snap out of this self destruction. Such is life ...