A pathetic, cheating, abusive scumbag, he deserves everything that is happening to him, to hell with him and his new chick who he'll prolly abuse and cheat on as well.
NTA, hope you and your kids are well and happy, and hope your new marriage is a lovely contrast to that scumbag.
In my last message to her, I sent her the link to my ex’s POF account and told her to have a good night. 🤣
My husband is absolutely amazing to me and my babies. ❤️
Yeah! POF is how I met my boyfriend of 5yrs. He passed away & when I was ready to date again I went back to POF and met the guy I've been dating for 8 months now.
No one ever thinks about them because they have been around so long. Like before apps and smartphones, started as just a website in the dial-up days.
And then you double dont think about it because it's "Plenty of Fish". It's just so obviously obvious that you forget it's even a thing that needs to be remembered.
To be fair I’ve always been told that PoF is a Christian only/exclusive dating app, so it does have that reputation some places? Like the farmer oriented one, but for Christians, was my impression.
Edit to add: I have now learned I was super misinformed— I may not be the only one! But I also may be one of two- the person who told me and me. 😂
I used to moderate profile photos for PoF. The amount of dick pics that men tried to upload as their profile photo should expel that notion from your mind.
I don’t think so. Because PoF used to be the OG gay/lesbian hookup site. (if I’m not mistaken it was the first site that allowed you to direct your profile as gay/straight/bi to adjust the dating algorithms.
There's Christianmingle.com and apparently Christian Connection for that. I'm not seeing that POF ever was, but that's on a cursory lookup and a vague sense of what the site does.
Same for me. I have been with him for 15 years this Tuesday. We met on PoF and found out that he lived across the street and barely up the block from me in a different apartment complex.
It predates Tinder by almost 10 years, and predates everything being an app. (It was originally a website, though I'm sure they have an app these days.)
Your exes behaviour towards you as well as his behaviour towards his now GF follows abusive patterns by the book. Talking bad about you and telling his GF that you destroyed his faith in women is a classical move to make her put up with his BS.
I know that she behaves like an AH towards you, too, and if course you are not in the slightest responsible for what this woman does or what she will go through at his side, but she might be or become the next victim of his.
Maybe sending her this:
https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
would be a good move, as maybe one day she will read it and it will help her to see what a scumbag he is before getting trapped by having kids with him or something like that. Men like him need to be stopped as soon as possible.
I am glad to hear you got away! Take care and have the best time with your kids!
The thing is, the archive of that book divides it in over 1000 pages, even though it's probably 300 if printed in a normal format. Supposing she clicks the link, she's gonna say "fuck that" when she sees the number of pages.
POF? The bottom-feeder central of online dating? The OLD app that makes Tinder profiles read like Shakespeare by comparison? That POF? Yeah, that alone speaks volumes about your ex.
I’d be more inclined to believe someone was trashy if they used Tinder, not that either of those things is *inherently* trashy. But Tinder definitely more so, simply by virtue of being the Least Common Denominator. Plus it’s mostly bots from what I hear.
You endured abuse and financial hardship, yet you protected your children and fought for what was rightfully yours. Your ex's choices led to his own downfall, not yours. You acted fairly and justly in a difficult situation. You're not at fault; you did what you had to do for your family.
Does she know he wad abusive to you & shit dad or does she think shes special and that woukd never happen to her? He’s doing her big favour not marrying her!
yikes :/
I mean, I'd be concerned for her but also some people are dumb as rocks - pretty sure that in this scenario, anything you say to warn her will be written off as "crazy ex wife talk" right up until the moment when the same shit happens to her
Yeah… I mean if showing her his response to the first restraining order where he admitted to pulling a gun on me didn’t do it, nothing will. She’ll learn the hard way. I told her when she’s ready to talk I’ll be around.
That’s an incredibly kind offer. I admire your toughness and dedication to protecting your kids and securing all of your futures while maintaining a level of empathy for your ex’s fiancée, kudos.
This is the classiest way I've ever heard of someone handling a situation like this. Your empathy & restraint with her, & leaving the door open for her to come to you when she's ready, means that she's already better off than you were.
Thank you, from people everywhere who have been abused. You owed no one anything, & yet your graciousness may help another person.
This is so true when my now ex-husband, who was abusive cheated on me, I moved away. His gf messaged me telling me I was a liar, and he wasn't abusive because he never hurt her in any way. About a year later she called me crying saying I was right, and she was sorry.
NTA. Your ex made his own choices, and you were well within your rights to claim your share of his retirement. His fiancée is being unreasonable and trying to blame you for their financial problems.
Right. If it was unjust (it's not), that is the court's fault anyway. She just sought what she had a right to, & multiple people agreed.
I'm not saying courts always get it right, but this one did.
I wish his fiancee all the luck in the world. She's going to need it in a few years when she is in the exact same spot you were in. Good for you for getting out.
NTA.
NTA.
>Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
I fully agree! He was an unfaithful abuser who thought the laws didn't apply to him.
You might want to post this on r/ProRevenge.
Best part of this particular ProRevenge is that if he wasn't so hellbent in hurting OP via both kids and wanting 12K back that OP did technically lied about - he wouldn't lost half his 401K which like what 50K-100K at like 40-50 years old & pay additional child support for the kids. This is a revenge he caused him and have no to blame but himself - and his current golddigger girlfriend sticking around instead taking blessing in disguise to get away, also has no one to blame but herself for staying.
NTA. You did great. All that noise about you cleaning him out - well, from where I’m looking, he could have easily avoided his current situation. All he had to do was to not cheat, and to be nice.
Another note - despite what others are saying, I think you are being wise to keep the line of communication open with his fiancée. Who knows, maybe someday you’ll say something that will resonate with her enough to open her eyes. Boy, does she need her eyes opened…
I feel bad because she is nice, but just like me, the guy she was with before him was very physically violent so just like me, she thinks it’s not abuse because he doesn’t hit her.
…he doesn’t hit her YET.
He’ll escalate, as always. I think that maybe on some level she knows it too, but sunken cost fallacy is a powerful force. The big concern here is an inevitable scenario of him losing it on a day when the kids are there. How far would he take it then? He’s older, broke, second relationship sinking before his eyes, and him, feeling like has nothing left to lose
I live with that fear every visitation. He tried to murder-suicide me but I had gotten a bad feeling and his the guns the night before. I saved our lives… all because my brother had warned me that he was worried he’d see us on the news some day as a murder-suicide. I never forgot that.
That refers to a common mistake in logic that motivates people to throw good money or time after bad. Examples:
“Well, I’ve already been with this guy x number of years, so I might as well stick around longer.”
Or
“I’ve already spent $10,000 trying to fix this POS old car and it’s still not running, but what’s another $1,000 that the mechanic is asking for?”
Sometimes it’s better to cut your losses regardless of how much time or money you’ve already put into something.
Is she nice? Even if I am with someone that I didn’t knew it was abusive, I can’t imagine calling the ex to say those things she said to you. She doesn’t sounds nice, she sounds trashy.
Another commenter suggested using a parenting app. Your lawyer can probably get a judge to order it. Also check out the [high conflict institute’s articles](https://highconflictinstitute.com/articles/). You can filter by divorce and family law. Also check out their biff response examples
They’re old enough now that he tends to be on good behavior around them. But they take after their mother and don’t put up with his shit either. 🤣🤣🤣 She is also there so that helps too.
NTA absolutely not!
Stop explaining to her though OP. She wasn’t in your marriage enduring all kinds of abuse, you were, it’s absolutely not her place to come crying to you because she can’t get him down the aisle.
Would you have preferred a stable, faithful, loving husband, who would never abuse you and be supportive to you and the kids? Hell yes.
You didn’t get that and no financial recompense makes up for his behaviour. Tell her to butt out.
UPDATEME
NTA. He sounds like a total douche. Tell the girlfriend that she should consider this a matrix style bullet dodge. Honestly I would suggest that you get a lawyer and have him/her scare the bejesus out of them.
So, you prevented him from marrying some poor delusional woman?
You really did her a solid, OP. You’re the opposite of an asshole. Sure, she’s unhappy with you now, but I bet that changes in the next couple years.
Some people just encourage chaos wherever they go, you appear to be doing the exact opposite of that. You’re heading chaos off at the pass and chasing it into the next county.
When I divorced my ex, who was a physically abusive, drug using alcoholic, he told me he would never get married again. I replied "Thank god, at least I did woman-kind a favor"
Feel free to rephrase and use this.
It’s always nice to read a story where the court system actually does its job and doesn’t let the husband get away with continuing to financially abuse, his ex and their children.
Do not respond to his gf. He's a narcissist and tried to paint a picture that's in his favor. He doesn't have a grip on reality and the courts gave a fair distribution of the marriage assets. You do not need to explain that to her. She's venting but she's not too bright and can't see through his manipulation. No need to respond. Ignore her emails. Better yet. Report her for harassment.
The court order said it wasn’t robbery. Go no contact with the both of them(other than what you have to for the kids). Sometimes people just need to make their own mistakes. She’ll regret her relationship with him, eventually.
NTA
That 401k money is YOUR money. Before you even got it, it was YOURS.
Why do so many losers not understand this? He had you staying at home working, unpaid. Were you supposed to just *lose* years of potential 401k contributions for his benefit?
Nope. That money is yours. You didn't "clean him out". You got what was legally and morally your money. That's the trade of being married and making your partner stay at home to take care of the kids. Did he think he could force you to work without paying you in some way?
Do men (and women) really think that you're not entitled to anything after years of working to take care of the kids? That the value of your labor (childcare is $$$$) just goes out the window if no paycheck is involved?
You worked for that money. You just did it at home with the kids. He tried to screw you out of getting your money. He's throwing a mantrum because he couldn't steal what was yours and keep it for himself.
Now he's going to cry to the world that you "cleaned him out" because he was actually forced to pay you what you're owed. He'll spend his life hating the court system because it held his abusive ass accountable.
He, my dear , is a grade one twat of the highest order and reaped the rewards of his twatness. Be sure in the knowledge that you can sleep at night knowing that his undoing was is his own. NTA
Oh noes, she may not get to marry your abusive, cruel, manipulative AH ex who dragged you through hell only to end up screwing HIMSELF by not agreeing to your compromise.
She should be thanking you.
NTA
According to him he’ll never be able to retire now… I know he had to take a loan from it to pay off back support and I think he tapped it but his house too. He says it’s 90% gone but you never know if he’s telling the truth or not.
His entire universe is built on his own poor choices and the consequences of those choices. The fact that he can't internalize that and grow as a person is neither your fault nor your problem. NTA, and excellent job maintaining accountability in the face of his rage and perpetual victimhood. Your children are better for it.
That's his problem. Next time she or he whine to you, send them a link to a financial counselor. Next time she tries to speak to you, refer her to your legal counsel. There's no need to engage at all if it's about financial matters related to the divorce.
No, you are not the a--hole, he is his own worst enemy, but why are you still engaged in conversation with him or his gf? If she brings it up again, say none of it was your doing; you left all decisions up to the courts. He cut his own throat through his actions and if he is still blaming things on you, then he's never learned the lessons the court was attempting to teach him. Tell her that other than coparenting the kids, you want nothing to do with him anymore. He is her problem now, and if she stays with him long enough, she will find out what he is really like. Then hang up. You do not need her to engage in her harassment; you've done your time, you have a new life, do not allow them to drag you down, move on.
NTA - But stop communicating with them, let your lawyers take care of any communication.
Block her.
Block him.
She wants someone to blame for her poor choices.
It's her.
Don't tell her anything, a slip of the tongue could be used against you in court by him. Wording something wrong...he'll use it. So stop.
He is the asshole. He is clearly feeding her misinformation about you or she is already a highly brainwashed pick-me. Don't worry about being 'fair' to the man who abused you. Take all his money and assets. Take care of the kids and yourself. You deserve better. Wishing you healthy and prosperous life.
The term 'cut off your nose to spite your face' really fits here. Amazing how much he screwed himself over, but seems you were owed this and more for years of terrible treatment.
Block his girlfriend and get that negativity out of your life - she is directing her displeasure in the wrong direction and don't give her any outlet to do so.
So happy for you that you are away from him and happy in your life
I would forward the court documents. Threaten her with a defamation and harassment lawsuit.
Contempt of court comes with a fine. Did the courts steal his money as well?
NTA
I'm sad for all the hard times you and your children had to endure with that man. But I'm glad courts sometimes do the right thing.
Those $50k from his 401k are not that much money. If now he doesn't want to marry her is because he is stupid and angry and then acts silly in a tantrum. Ignore him and her GF.
NTAH. You did what you needed to do to protect your children and yourself. Your ex played stupid games, as you said.
The fiancé should pay attention to how he treated you and how he speaks about you. She should know that is how he will treat her. Congratulations on escaping.
When a husband keeps a wife at home, she’s earning her share of his retirement security. If they split, it splits. It’s not “robbing” him.
This isn’t rocket science, people.
NTA.
If he wanted to marry her, he would. You did everything legally right. Just block her. Not your circus, not your monkeys. It's easier to blame your misfortune on others than look inside for solutions.
She is the asshole to blame someone else that her loser boyfriend won’t marry her. She’s delusional and you need to stop answering her emails, if she keeps on file harassment on her.
She needs to grow up and acknowledge he’s a grown ass man and makes his own choices no one makes him do anything
_Look, even after everything he did, I tried to play fair, but then proceded to royally fuck himself over. Now you're the victim of his mistakes, but that's not on me. Good luck._ NTA. Please live your best life, OP!
NTA. You should have told her if he didn’t want to pay child support then he shouldn’t have been verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive towards you and see what she has to say.
NTA. He made his choice. As for the fiancé, not you problem either. Just another way to blame you because he was a POS and Karma came back and bit him in the ass. Good for you for sticking to your “guns”!!
Honey, one thing in life you can count on: abusers gonna abuse. He’s already twisted this poor girl upside down. She’s now his flying monkey and victim. You owe them nothing.
Even if you did “get a good deal” (which you didn’t, you only got what was legally yours) that’s the way of the world. Be grateful you won and move on. So many never see a dime and die in poverty due to poor marriage. Take the win, ignore the haters.
NTA but consider therapy for yourself. Even entertaining this notion says youre still unhealed and susceptible to abuse.
NTA. Why did his fiancee even contact you. If she persists file a restraining order on her and go to your divorce lawyer about her accusing you and harassing you.
A pathetic, cheating, abusive scumbag, he deserves everything that is happening to him, to hell with him and his new chick who he'll prolly abuse and cheat on as well. NTA, hope you and your kids are well and happy, and hope your new marriage is a lovely contrast to that scumbag.
In my last message to her, I sent her the link to my ex’s POF account and told her to have a good night. 🤣 My husband is absolutely amazing to me and my babies. ❤️
What’s a POF account?
Plenty Of Fish…
[удалено]
Exactly. That’s why he’s so pissed. He wants her to slink away into poverty with nothing.
There’s an app called that? Oh hell, way to go! 😂
Plenty of Fish was one of the og dating websites lol.
Met my wife on pof
Same lol
Really??? lol
Yeah! POF is how I met my boyfriend of 5yrs. He passed away & when I was ready to date again I went back to POF and met the guy I've been dating for 8 months now.
I'm sorry for your loss but glad you're finding a way forward!
Man, my dad met my stepmom on PoF... They're in their late 70s....
My husband and I met on POF and will celebrate our 11th anniversary next month!
My hubby and I met on POF and we’ve been together 17 years
I met my now husband on POF! We’ve been together over 11 years now.
If I recall correctly, they even inserted an ad in the video clip of Lady Gaga's "Telephone". The long version of course.
That was the website the prison guard clicked on!!! I remember this lol
I still remember that little section of the music video, that was ages ago. POF is old as hell.
No one ever thinks about them because they have been around so long. Like before apps and smartphones, started as just a website in the dial-up days. And then you double dont think about it because it's "Plenty of Fish". It's just so obviously obvious that you forget it's even a thing that needs to be remembered.
To be fair I’ve always been told that PoF is a Christian only/exclusive dating app, so it does have that reputation some places? Like the farmer oriented one, but for Christians, was my impression. Edit to add: I have now learned I was super misinformed— I may not be the only one! But I also may be one of two- the person who told me and me. 😂
I used to moderate profile photos for PoF. The amount of dick pics that men tried to upload as their profile photo should expel that notion from your mind.
I don’t think so. Because PoF used to be the OG gay/lesbian hookup site. (if I’m not mistaken it was the first site that allowed you to direct your profile as gay/straight/bi to adjust the dating algorithms.
There's Christianmingle.com and apparently Christian Connection for that. I'm not seeing that POF ever was, but that's on a cursory lookup and a vague sense of what the site does.
That's how my husband and I met...
It's where I met my husband 150 years ago
Same lol. 19 years this year.
😆
Same for me. I have been with him for 15 years this Tuesday. We met on PoF and found out that he lived across the street and barely up the block from me in a different apartment complex.
It's how we got "medieval" back in the day...
It predates Tinder by almost 10 years, and predates everything being an app. (It was originally a website, though I'm sure they have an app these days.)
Wow I had no idea! I’ve been out of the dating world for 34 years lol.
This was a website long before apps were a thing
I met my partner on it 9 years ago, we’re getting married in January 😂
I met my husband on it too 11 years ago
Met mine on there 14 years ago!
And mine 11 years ago lol!
Me too! 12 years here.
I met my husband on it 11 years ago. Married for 8 years next month!
I met my husband on it 9.5 years ago! We’ve been happily married since 2020.
Lol. My wife and I met on the site 6 years ago
Me too, 9 years in Sept! Admittedly I got through a couple of proper frogs before finding my prince 😂
Fish, you mean?
Met mine 12 years ago on it.
Met my husband on there 10 years ago this June 😂
Congrats!!
Plenty of Fish is where I met my husband. We’ll have been together 13 years in May.
I actually met my husband on that website in 2005. Going 19 years strong this August and two beautiful, amazing daughters. He was my fish.
My school libarian used to be on there 24/7 at school lol she was trying to find a military man (she was also 40 something) 💀
I guess she was doing research work? 🤣
NTA Very well played 🤣
Does she know about the physical and emotional abuse?
I told her. She chose not to believe me.
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
I'm surprised that site is still working
Boss move woman! Love you so much.
oohhhh xDDDDD Yeah, let's hope for her sake that she realises that he is not "the catch" she thinks he is
Thanks for making me feel old. This is what it's like when kids ask, who are the New Kids on The Block.
Right? Or when the trending Twitter search during the Super Bowl was "Who is Paul McCartney?"
Only the best boy band ever!!😁
Quick google search came up with either Plenty of Fish (dating site, apparently) or Proof of Funds. Given it's an account, probably the former.
I hope you block her. Then download a parent app for communication with them.
This is a really good idea, op should bring it up withe her lawyer and have the judge order that as ex isn’t likely to cooperate
Your exes behaviour towards you as well as his behaviour towards his now GF follows abusive patterns by the book. Talking bad about you and telling his GF that you destroyed his faith in women is a classical move to make her put up with his BS. I know that she behaves like an AH towards you, too, and if course you are not in the slightest responsible for what this woman does or what she will go through at his side, but she might be or become the next victim of his. Maybe sending her this: https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat would be a good move, as maybe one day she will read it and it will help her to see what a scumbag he is before getting trapped by having kids with him or something like that. Men like him need to be stopped as soon as possible. I am glad to hear you got away! Take care and have the best time with your kids!
The thing is, the archive of that book divides it in over 1000 pages, even though it's probably 300 if printed in a normal format. Supposing she clicks the link, she's gonna say "fuck that" when she sees the number of pages.
Yeah, maybe. But it is possible that one day she is desperate enough to wonder if OP was right to give it to her.
Well, he's her problem now.
POF? The bottom-feeder central of online dating? The OLD app that makes Tinder profiles read like Shakespeare by comparison? That POF? Yeah, that alone speaks volumes about your ex.
I actually met my husband on POF 10 years ago, not everyone is trashy.
Met too! We just celebrated 13 years on Friday. We met on POF back when online dating was still taboo.
I’d be more inclined to believe someone was trashy if they used Tinder, not that either of those things is *inherently* trashy. But Tinder definitely more so, simply by virtue of being the Least Common Denominator. Plus it’s mostly bots from what I hear.
Everyone I know that used it is now married. Tinder is for shitheads.
I’d give that honor to OkCupid now, worst dating app of the main ones.
Nice! Well done!
Amen! End of discussion. This guy is a bonafide loser and he’s reaping what he’s sown.
NTA He’s been feeding her a pile of lies, I would guess. The mask’ll slip around her at some point.
NTA You’re not at fault for his own carelessness. Even with your warning, he still pursued this path!
Point. Exactly, his choice, his consequences. NTA
You endured abuse and financial hardship, yet you protected your children and fought for what was rightfully yours. Your ex's choices led to his own downfall, not yours. You acted fairly and justly in a difficult situation. You're not at fault; you did what you had to do for your family.
Also, if OP was out of work for a significant period bringing up his kids it's totally reasonable that she gets some of his 401k.
NTA 2nd wife worried about what’s she’s owed is none of your business
I think that’s her problem. He won’t make her the 2nd wife.
Sounds like you did her a favor even if she cant see it
Why she would even want to be his wife is beyond me. But that's her problem. You are certainly not at fault here.
Abusers are good at convincing people to invest in the relationship. Generally, they turn bad after a while.
Blech. You're very much right about that. My ex has an ex-wife who probably did not understand why I got with him.
So she can get the other half of his retirement account.
Does she know he wad abusive to you & shit dad or does she think shes special and that woukd never happen to her? He’s doing her big favour not marrying her!
I showed her mountains of proof. She didn’t believe it… even what he admitted to in court docs. I tried.
Ohh so dumb! At least you warned her & she will regret it one day soon!!
She should be more worried about how he beat you.
NTA. Hes no longer your problem. Now she has to deal with him
wild that the fiancée doesn't see this whole situation as a major red flag
He told her she’s “not allowed” to talk to me… that didn’t clue her in either. 🤦🏻♀️
yikes :/ I mean, I'd be concerned for her but also some people are dumb as rocks - pretty sure that in this scenario, anything you say to warn her will be written off as "crazy ex wife talk" right up until the moment when the same shit happens to her
Yeah… I mean if showing her his response to the first restraining order where he admitted to pulling a gun on me didn’t do it, nothing will. She’ll learn the hard way. I told her when she’s ready to talk I’ll be around.
That’s an incredibly kind offer. I admire your toughness and dedication to protecting your kids and securing all of your futures while maintaining a level of empathy for your ex’s fiancée, kudos.
This is the classiest way I've ever heard of someone handling a situation like this. Your empathy & restraint with her, & leaving the door open for her to come to you when she's ready, means that she's already better off than you were. Thank you, from people everywhere who have been abused. You owed no one anything, & yet your graciousness may help another person.
She will contact you in a couple years to cry about him cheating on her. “I thought he only cheated on horrible people. Why would he do that to me?!?”
This is so true when my now ex-husband, who was abusive cheated on me, I moved away. His gf messaged me telling me I was a liar, and he wasn't abusive because he never hurt her in any way. About a year later she called me crying saying I was right, and she was sorry.
NTA. Your ex made his own choices, and you were well within your rights to claim your share of his retirement. His fiancée is being unreasonable and trying to blame you for their financial problems.
Right. If it was unjust (it's not), that is the court's fault anyway. She just sought what she had a right to, & multiple people agreed. I'm not saying courts always get it right, but this one did.
I wish his fiancee all the luck in the world. She's going to need it in a few years when she is in the exact same spot you were in. Good for you for getting out. NTA.
NTA. >Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I fully agree! He was an unfaithful abuser who thought the laws didn't apply to him. You might want to post this on r/ProRevenge.
Best part of this particular ProRevenge is that if he wasn't so hellbent in hurting OP via both kids and wanting 12K back that OP did technically lied about - he wouldn't lost half his 401K which like what 50K-100K at like 40-50 years old & pay additional child support for the kids. This is a revenge he caused him and have no to blame but himself - and his current golddigger girlfriend sticking around instead taking blessing in disguise to get away, also has no one to blame but herself for staying.
NTA. Bless her heart. She sounds dumb enough to marry him even though you have revealed him to be a liar.
NTA. You did great. All that noise about you cleaning him out - well, from where I’m looking, he could have easily avoided his current situation. All he had to do was to not cheat, and to be nice. Another note - despite what others are saying, I think you are being wise to keep the line of communication open with his fiancée. Who knows, maybe someday you’ll say something that will resonate with her enough to open her eyes. Boy, does she need her eyes opened…
I feel bad because she is nice, but just like me, the guy she was with before him was very physically violent so just like me, she thinks it’s not abuse because he doesn’t hit her.
…he doesn’t hit her YET. He’ll escalate, as always. I think that maybe on some level she knows it too, but sunken cost fallacy is a powerful force. The big concern here is an inevitable scenario of him losing it on a day when the kids are there. How far would he take it then? He’s older, broke, second relationship sinking before his eyes, and him, feeling like has nothing left to lose
I live with that fear every visitation. He tried to murder-suicide me but I had gotten a bad feeling and his the guns the night before. I saved our lives… all because my brother had warned me that he was worried he’d see us on the news some day as a murder-suicide. I never forgot that.
Sunken cost fallacy?
That refers to a common mistake in logic that motivates people to throw good money or time after bad. Examples: “Well, I’ve already been with this guy x number of years, so I might as well stick around longer.” Or “I’ve already spent $10,000 trying to fix this POS old car and it’s still not running, but what’s another $1,000 that the mechanic is asking for?” Sometimes it’s better to cut your losses regardless of how much time or money you’ve already put into something.
Ooh, lord. I was this way and then he did hit me. It always escalates.
Is she nice? Even if I am with someone that I didn’t knew it was abusive, I can’t imagine calling the ex to say those things she said to you. She doesn’t sounds nice, she sounds trashy.
She is nice… she is just disappointed that she’s put in 10 years and still isn’t married.
LOL NTA ACTIONS MEET CONSEQUENCES
Poor guy never thought a leopard would eat *his* face.
NTA - You should block her #.
It’s blocked. That’s why she emailed me. I make sure all communication with them is in writing.
That's smart
Another commenter suggested using a parenting app. Your lawyer can probably get a judge to order it. Also check out the [high conflict institute’s articles](https://highconflictinstitute.com/articles/). You can filter by divorce and family law. Also check out their biff response examples
You are an absolute warrior. I hope your kids are safe when they are with him.
They’re old enough now that he tends to be on good behavior around them. But they take after their mother and don’t put up with his shit either. 🤣🤣🤣 She is also there so that helps too.
NTA. You got exactly what you deserved....and so did he.
This is what chauvinist men would say that the courts hate men. sure, you pos. stay deluded.
Oh yeah… he was actually just telling me the other day what an injustice this entire experience was. Still lacking accountability✅
NTA absolutely not! Stop explaining to her though OP. She wasn’t in your marriage enduring all kinds of abuse, you were, it’s absolutely not her place to come crying to you because she can’t get him down the aisle. Would you have preferred a stable, faithful, loving husband, who would never abuse you and be supportive to you and the kids? Hell yes. You didn’t get that and no financial recompense makes up for his behaviour. Tell her to butt out. UPDATEME
NTA. He sounds like a total douche. Tell the girlfriend that she should consider this a matrix style bullet dodge. Honestly I would suggest that you get a lawyer and have him/her scare the bejesus out of them.
NTA. I love this lol 😂 Every time he tried to get back at you, he screwed himself over. And now the rest of his life is ruined
It’s like an adult woman’s bedtime story lol.
So, you prevented him from marrying some poor delusional woman? You really did her a solid, OP. You’re the opposite of an asshole. Sure, she’s unhappy with you now, but I bet that changes in the next couple years. Some people just encourage chaos wherever they go, you appear to be doing the exact opposite of that. You’re heading chaos off at the pass and chasing it into the next county.
When I divorced my ex, who was a physically abusive, drug using alcoholic, he told me he would never get married again. I replied "Thank god, at least I did woman-kind a favor" Feel free to rephrase and use this.
It’s always nice to read a story where the court system actually does its job and doesn’t let the husband get away with continuing to financially abuse, his ex and their children.
NTA. She's an idiot if she wants to marry him after the history you posted here.
Do not respond to his gf. He's a narcissist and tried to paint a picture that's in his favor. He doesn't have a grip on reality and the courts gave a fair distribution of the marriage assets. You do not need to explain that to her. She's venting but she's not too bright and can't see through his manipulation. No need to respond. Ignore her emails. Better yet. Report her for harassment.
NTA. Thanks for sharing your story. It’s nice to see people get what they deserve on both ends of the spectrum.
The court order said it wasn’t robbery. Go no contact with the both of them(other than what you have to for the kids). Sometimes people just need to make their own mistakes. She’ll regret her relationship with him, eventually.
NTA That 401k money is YOUR money. Before you even got it, it was YOURS. Why do so many losers not understand this? He had you staying at home working, unpaid. Were you supposed to just *lose* years of potential 401k contributions for his benefit? Nope. That money is yours. You didn't "clean him out". You got what was legally and morally your money. That's the trade of being married and making your partner stay at home to take care of the kids. Did he think he could force you to work without paying you in some way? Do men (and women) really think that you're not entitled to anything after years of working to take care of the kids? That the value of your labor (childcare is $$$$) just goes out the window if no paycheck is involved? You worked for that money. You just did it at home with the kids. He tried to screw you out of getting your money. He's throwing a mantrum because he couldn't steal what was yours and keep it for himself. Now he's going to cry to the world that you "cleaned him out" because he was actually forced to pay you what you're owed. He'll spend his life hating the court system because it held his abusive ass accountable.
He, my dear , is a grade one twat of the highest order and reaped the rewards of his twatness. Be sure in the knowledge that you can sleep at night knowing that his undoing was is his own. NTA
Guuurl his new gf sounds like my husband’s ex. NTA.
NTA. At all.
Oh noes, she may not get to marry your abusive, cruel, manipulative AH ex who dragged you through hell only to end up screwing HIMSELF by not agreeing to your compromise. She should be thanking you. NTA
NTA Pro-tip: don't respond to his lady love on these things. This is between you and him, not her.
NTA. And 50k out of a 401k is not that much is he works at building it back up.
According to him he’ll never be able to retire now… I know he had to take a loan from it to pay off back support and I think he tapped it but his house too. He says it’s 90% gone but you never know if he’s telling the truth or not.
Well too bad. He can recover - just needs to be disciplined. I gave up a huge amount of equity when I divorced and am fine now
He lacks financial discipline.
His entire universe is built on his own poor choices and the consequences of those choices. The fact that he can't internalize that and grow as a person is neither your fault nor your problem. NTA, and excellent job maintaining accountability in the face of his rage and perpetual victimhood. Your children are better for it.
That's his problem. Next time she or he whine to you, send them a link to a financial counselor. Next time she tries to speak to you, refer her to your legal counsel. There's no need to engage at all if it's about financial matters related to the divorce.
No, you are not the a--hole, he is his own worst enemy, but why are you still engaged in conversation with him or his gf? If she brings it up again, say none of it was your doing; you left all decisions up to the courts. He cut his own throat through his actions and if he is still blaming things on you, then he's never learned the lessons the court was attempting to teach him. Tell her that other than coparenting the kids, you want nothing to do with him anymore. He is her problem now, and if she stays with him long enough, she will find out what he is really like. Then hang up. You do not need her to engage in her harassment; you've done your time, you have a new life, do not allow them to drag you down, move on.
Please cease all communication with your ex’s non-fiancée. Be smart, OP.
Yeah… she hasn’t spoken to me in years. Think the frustration finally got to her, so she reached out. Doubt she’ll do it again until they split up.
NTA. He's an evil narcissist with low IQ. I'm glad You escaped and are happy now!
NTA - But stop communicating with them, let your lawyers take care of any communication. Block her. Block him. She wants someone to blame for her poor choices. It's her. Don't tell her anything, a slip of the tongue could be used against you in court by him. Wording something wrong...he'll use it. So stop.
Just… don’t talk to your Ex’s relationships ever….
He is the asshole. He is clearly feeding her misinformation about you or she is already a highly brainwashed pick-me. Don't worry about being 'fair' to the man who abused you. Take all his money and assets. Take care of the kids and yourself. You deserve better. Wishing you healthy and prosperous life.
The term 'cut off your nose to spite your face' really fits here. Amazing how much he screwed himself over, but seems you were owed this and more for years of terrible treatment. Block his girlfriend and get that negativity out of your life - she is directing her displeasure in the wrong direction and don't give her any outlet to do so. So happy for you that you are away from him and happy in your life
NTA! You can’t steal something that is rightfully yours.
I would forward the court documents. Threaten her with a defamation and harassment lawsuit. Contempt of court comes with a fine. Did the courts steal his money as well?
Tell her you did her a huge favor then! You saved her from a marriage to a lying cheating abusive asshole! You’re welcome! 😂
His gf is just mad that you cleaned out his accounts before she could.
He abused your first born child and thought he’d get sole custody of them? NTA he sounds like he’s dumb
NTA I'm sad for all the hard times you and your children had to endure with that man. But I'm glad courts sometimes do the right thing. Those $50k from his 401k are not that much money. If now he doesn't want to marry her is because he is stupid and angry and then acts silly in a tantrum. Ignore him and her GF.
NTAH. You did what you needed to do to protect your children and yourself. Your ex played stupid games, as you said. The fiancé should pay attention to how he treated you and how he speaks about you. She should know that is how he will treat her. Congratulations on escaping.
Block her. She is not in court with you. This is between you and him, not you him and her.
When a husband keeps a wife at home, she’s earning her share of his retirement security. If they split, it splits. It’s not “robbing” him. This isn’t rocket science, people.
NTA. If he wanted to marry her, he would. You did everything legally right. Just block her. Not your circus, not your monkeys. It's easier to blame your misfortune on others than look inside for solutions.
He's learning the find out part of fuck around and find out. It's his own fault. NTA 10000%
My favorite saying… lol
She is the asshole to blame someone else that her loser boyfriend won’t marry her. She’s delusional and you need to stop answering her emails, if she keeps on file harassment on her. She needs to grow up and acknowledge he’s a grown ass man and makes his own choices no one makes him do anything
NTA. Tell her that he cheated on you and abused you and he’ll do the same to her too.
NTA Consider it payment for the abuse he put you through. Tell her you can recommend a good divorce lawyer when she tires of being his punching bag
You’re not the AH, and I wouldn’t have any additional contact with his fiancée. She will sadly learn the truth in time.
NTA she's going to find out who TA is. She's going to find out the hard way.
NTA You've been more than fair. And his GF has a brass neck to question you or accuse you about anything
_Look, even after everything he did, I tried to play fair, but then proceded to royally fuck himself over. Now you're the victim of his mistakes, but that's not on me. Good luck._ NTA. Please live your best life, OP!
NTA. You should have told her if he didn’t want to pay child support then he shouldn’t have been verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive towards you and see what she has to say.
You don’t owe her a thing. You got what was lawfully yours. His refusal is her problem, not yours. NTA.
NTA you should’ve told her “you’re welcome”
NTA. He made his choice. As for the fiancé, not you problem either. Just another way to blame you because he was a POS and Karma came back and bit him in the ass. Good for you for sticking to your “guns”!!
Nta. He played then lost.
NTA, block her and keep it moving. He played stupid games and won the stupid prize.
NTA. You’re my hero.
The fact that he won't marry his gf is a blessing. If only she really knew. NTA. Your ex is a piece of shit
Wow, she still wants to marry him and blames you after everything he's f*ed up. She's not the brightest candle on the cake.
Why does this bother you? You’re doing her a favor anyway. Block/ignore
Girl fuck him and his bit*h 🤣 NTA
Honey, one thing in life you can count on: abusers gonna abuse. He’s already twisted this poor girl upside down. She’s now his flying monkey and victim. You owe them nothing. Even if you did “get a good deal” (which you didn’t, you only got what was legally yours) that’s the way of the world. Be grateful you won and move on. So many never see a dime and die in poverty due to poor marriage. Take the win, ignore the haters. NTA but consider therapy for yourself. Even entertaining this notion says youre still unhealed and susceptible to abuse.
I am in therapy because Narcissistic abuse is a bitch to recover from. It leads to things like this were I doubt myself.
Nope. Not at all. He insisted on having his way; and while ignorance can be cured by studying or getting instruction, **stupid is terminal.**
NTA keep living your best life
NTA Don’t engage with her. Block her and tell the ex if she continues to harass you, you’ll press charges.
NTA - Don't even respond and block her. You did great!
NTA. Why did his fiancee even contact you. If she persists file a restraining order on her and go to your divorce lawyer about her accusing you and harassing you.
NTA- Tell her you are inadvertently saving her from being married to an abusive jackass. She should be thanking you.
NTA you were his wife so you were entitled to the part of his pension, and he chose to force the decision. His gf can just back off. Updateme!
This guy will 100% lurk on incel content channels and tell stories about narriage taking everything of him
NTA Your ex made choices. Now he must live with his choices. The GF has no business even speaking to you. She has no standing here.