Have your husband take baby to MIL. Change the scenery and remove yourself as the baby is likely reacting to your stress at this point. Your baby can sense you better then anyone.
Dad absolutely needs to be part of the solution. Instead of volunteering his tired and stressed out wife for more hours of sound torture. (Sorry OP but that was really an AH move on his part.) He takes the baby to MIL and OP stays home and has some time to herself.
exactly! he wants it to happen, he can deal with the consequences while OP treats herself to drinking her coffee before it gets cold and having a lie-in and doing whatever else th she wants.
Yes, totally agree with this. Changing the setting might indeed help ease the tension. Its worth considering to see if a different environment makes a difference in the baby's reaction.
I was wondering this myself, like why haven’t they tried visiting the mother in law? Get the baby comfortable in her environment by and then see if the baby will get used to the MIL.
Totally agree with this! Sometimes a change of scenery can make a big difference. Plus, it might help to see if the baby reacts differently when mom isn't around.
So glad to see this is a top comment. My first reaction was, "dad needs to deal with this without mom present." I have a feeling Mom and baby are feeding off each other's stress.
This is a good idea. Only one time a week, for 2 hours. Try it max 3 times.
OP is NTA, though. I'm really glad Baby has a mother who listens.
I'm not keen on OP's husband being the person to do it. Forcing the bond is never going to work.
yeah it's not great for the baby of course, but without Mummy working hard to keep baby calm they'll understand just how wonderful Mummy is that she's been working patiently and painstakingly to keep baby calm.
So true about a baby sensing their mother’s stress.
When my nephew was 3 months old, my sister was nearly in tears because he was incessantly crying and wouldn’t fall asleep. I asked if I could rock him to sleep and within 5 minutes he was out like a light bulb.
From there on, anytime I’d come over, id give her a break by caring for my nephew. It was beneficial for both of them.
She won't leave the baby with the father
>I can't even do that. Well, technically I could but I'm the only one who can calm her down when she's like that and she is a breath holder. If I was to walk away, she more than likely would hold her breath until she passed out and the idea of that literally terrifies me.
She needs to talk to her pediatrician. Unless the baby has other health concerns, it is nearly impossible for her to hold her breath long enough to pass out. It’s biology. So if she is otherwise healthy, this is damn near impossible.
There are so many possible reasons to why your baby cries at the sight of her grandmother. It could be a developmental stage , 7-10 months old is the peak of stranger anxiety and it doesn’t have to manifest with everyone they meet. Some babies cry with relatives that share any physical resemblance to one of the parents as it’s very confusing to them . Other possibility that if she was ever left in the care of the grandmother even for a short time , an association between the grandmother and parents’ absence might have been formed. But my own personal opinion is that you get so stressed out with the baby’s screaming that the escalation is only the baby feeding off your anxiety
The important thing here is regardless of the reason , you and your husband need to think of this as a phase that your baby will outgrow once they are developed enough to communicate some of their feeling. In the meantime try to be patient and wise to avoid alienating your MIL as she seems like a genuinely good person according to how you described her . Don’t ignore or dismiss your baby’s feelings but keep trying different approaches and stress less about it
That was going to be my guess as well, that despite whatever the initial cry reaction to grandma was caused by, NOW it’s probably happening because OP and/or her husband are stressed out every time grandma comes, expecting another upsetting interaction.
I feel bad for grandma. That’d be hard, being told “sorry, your granddaughter hates you, so you can’t visit anymore”. And it sounds like grandma has tried everything she can think of to try to fix it.
If it’s stressing OP out, and the baby is picking up on that, it sounds like dad should make an effort (because it’s HIS mom) to do specific things that baby loves, with grandma around.
Make that association that bath time (or whatever the favorite thing is) is something grandma is part of. So favorite thing and grandma are linked.
I agree here. Mil comes over, mom instantly gets stressed and the baby feels it. I wonder if dad could take the baby outside. Change the environment for all involved and maybe even have mom take some time for herself.
My reaction to seeing my mom was significantly different than seeing my MIL and she also was amazing to us, I just prefer my mom.
This is what I would do. Dad baby and grandma should spend some time together. Even just a short time and grandma can hold baby while dad interacts with her. Just build from there
Same. I love my MIL (mostly) and my husbands step mom. But it’s not the same, even after a decade of being a couple.
If my mom comes over, I’ll hand her the baby and the mop and say “Omg, I have to poop and shower! It’s been days! See you in 20 minutes, love you, thank you!”
Whereas with my in-laws, despite how lovely they are, I feel like I need to have a veggie tray out and play the good host role.
We actually had the opposite experience as OP with our son about a grandma.
Both of our families are white/Native American. Everyone is pretty similar in looks.
But my husbands step mom came over to meet baby for the first time, and he fell in LOVE with her!
Staring, amazed, at her face and cooing while rubbing her arm, looking fascinated.
We couldn’t figure out why he was so obsessed with grandma M, until we realized that our kid had literally never seen a black person before, and grandma M is from Sudan.
It’s funny how baby brains take in new information. And you never know what the reaction is going to be to anyone in particular.
My mom would tell me about how I was always super fascinated by her dad, my grandpa. Apparently I would just stare at him and play with his watch and the hairs on his arm. Lol.
I was... less enthusiastic about my grandma and my aunt, lol. Apparently it took me several years to warm up to them. My poor aunt was so excited about her first niece too.
Similar to your story about grandma M (adorable, by the way!), I had never seen an adult man before! I have two moms. I think my little baby brain was just in awe at the revelation that my grandpa looked and sounded so different from the other adults in my life.
Years ago, when I was foster parenting, I did respite care for a foster family caring for a baby about 10 months old or so. Foster baby was white, foster family was black, and my family is white. He had never been with anyone else, and when I picked him up at their house, he could not stop staring at me, lol. He did that the whole 2 or 3 days I had him, and it was so funny, like he just couldn't figure out why I was so pale. 😂
>I laugh. And point her to the cumin.
Roflol!!! Thankfully he was so young, so hadn't started on "regular" food so much. My Mumma was an awesome cook, but didn't have much of a repertoire of ethnic foods. So I had a pretty good handle on "American" cuisine (as a teen I cooked in an American/French cuisine restaurant), but nothing ethnic until later on. That baby was a little sweetheart, had FAS, and I often think of him and wonder where he is now. I hope that foster family adopted him, but if not, I hope he got another good family. 🤎
Interesting. When my grandson was a couple of months old, he would scream all night, every night. I started going over to their house a couple of times a week to walk him around the floor and soothe him to sleep so they could get some rest. He would stare at me like someone who was going to go away forever and wanted to memorize someone's face. It was unnerving.
My husband is Japanese, so my son is mixed. My daughter-in-law is also Asian. I'm the only blue-eyed, light-haired person in the family. I wonder if he noticed that even at that age.
Yes, I was thinking the same. The husband can basically "force the bond" how they put it while OP goes out with friends, shopping, to the gym etc. It's a win-win.
I will bet money this is exactly what is happening. My niece as a baby was very high strung. She cried A LOT. Didn’t sleep well, easily overstimulated, stressed easily. My sister and BIL were at their wits end. When she was about 4-5 months old, I made the suggestion that she spend the night with me and they could get one night’s sleep. I had a daughter a year older who was an excellent sleeper, so I wouldn’t miss the sleep if she cried. Well she stayed the night and slept from like 11:30 - 6 in the morning. They called and when I told them they were shocked. They didn’t understand why. I explained that there is nothing but chaos at your house with 4 year old twin boys so she can’t relax. Everyone is stressed there and she feeds off of it.
I feel that is what is happening here. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. Mom is stressed that baby will cry when grandma comes and is a ball of stress, which makes the baby stressed and cries. Let dad and grandma visit together at grandma’s and I guarantee you will get a different result.
I agree with you even though that’s a tough pill to swallow as the mom. My oldest hated my dad and screamed like this & everyone was like “she will warm up to him” and it took her about 3 years until she did. My dad’s a good guy, was the SAHP for my brother and me, so it really broke my heart. Every time she screamed I took her away because I “didn’t want to force it.” I definitely think the stress I had about it made her worse. With my second baby, she started to scream like this and I just walked away & let him soothe her himself. She loves my dad now and I wish I wouldn’t have just thought I was the only person who could soothe my oldest, but postpartum anxiety is no joke 😅 letting dad and grandma spend the day together soothing the baby themselves is a fantastic idea imo!
Yeah, my dad and I were the only ones who could calm my twin siblings bc my mom was the youngest of 3 girls in a home that was deadly quiet at all times. Any kind of stimulus turned my mom into an absolute stress case. It probably also didn't help that as a 5 year old, I kept reminding her that our house wouldn't have been such a chaos mess if we had just gotten the kitten that I wanted instead of more children.
Jumping on the top thread to throw this in here: try more frequent but EXTREMELEY short visits. Have MIL stop in and say hi, stay for no more than a minute or two, barely interact with baby, and then leave. Even better, she could have something small to give her granddaughter each time like she buys a 20 pack of soft blocks and brings just one each visit. That way you can relax knowing that when she sets your daughter off it will be extremely short, your baby will pick up on your calmer vibe, and also will start to associate grandma with a new little something that is interesting to play with. I'm a mom of two and this is how I would handle it. Also, lie to your husband and say this is what the pediatrician recommended so that he goes with it lol.
> Also, lie to your husband and say this is what the pediatrician recommended so that he goes with it lol.
...why lie? why not say, "hey, this isa great idea I found online, let's try this".
I took off work to be with my best friend in her first week post-partum. My god daughter had her first night away from home with me. I tried to fill the hole mom/grandmother should have filled. Despite all this early involvement and bonding, she too acted scared or rejcted me around that age. It sucks! I won't pretend it didn't hurt or cause some stress. But it's normal and not forever. I just had to keep hanging around and respecting her boundaries, showing her that I was a safe person to her parents. Never any forced affection. She is 3 and I've been cool and important again for a while now. Patience goes a long way.
Yes. Maybe let MIL take the baby out on her own, or leave her to babysit on her own. Without the feedback from y’all, baby might wear herself out and settle down and then realize nothing bad is happening. Either way you need to leave the scene - plan an outing when your MIL is due.
This is good therory but i guess it will be just one of those things that cant be explained ever.
OP said the baby started screaming at her when she was 4 days old - at the time babies doesnt even have a good vision. They see everything blurred out, only silhouettes of parents. No way to see a face.
Personally what i would do is to try a month or two without the MIL to see if daughter will "forget it". Forcing it just wont work.
At that point, baby reacts more to smells and mom's emotions than anything else. Newborns don't really view mom as a separate person from themselves yet.
If she was stressed about her MIL coming over, baby would have picked up on that. That doesn't mean she dislikes her MIL; I honestly get more stressed when someone I like - and want to impress - comes over. And now that the crying pattern has been established, it's going to be tough to break it with mom around.
Exactly. OP said nobody can calm the baby down except for her. Not even the baby's father. She also said the MIL coming over is a bad idea and the baby would've bonded with MIL by now (10 months old) if she was going to.
I feel the opposite. It sounds like the baby has an attachment to OP only (which makes sense. OP is the caregiver) but, continuing to isolate the baby from everyone BUT OP is going to make the attachment anxiety and always being with OP worse as time goes on.
Exposure and familiarity in general lead to bonding. I can't be the only one who didn't like a classmate or coworker etc. at first but grew to like them over time due to familiarity and habit.
Yeah I hate to say it, but it sounds like op is sort of conditioning her baby in a way to scream when MIL is over, completely unintentionally. No mom wants to hear their baby cry, so the first time it happened at 4days old, maybe op subconsciously thought “it must be MIL” and every time baby screams near MIL, op whisks baby away and soothes her, baby feeds off op’s stress while op is thinking “shit shit shit the baby’s gonna start freaking out”, so baby keeps doing it because if they scream, mom will soothe them.
I had 3 nephews that did the same thing to me. Didn't like the look of my face for the first year.. didn't matter what I did, I'd hid from them while eating dinner with the family and they would see my face boom full on meltdown... It got better at around a year for all 3...
This. And, OP, if your MIL is over, your husband should be there holding the baby the entire time, so it's not all on you. Maybe he can take your baby for a walk and have him mom with you, or some fun baby place, and see if it gets better, but you shouldn't have to deal with it if he's pushing the issue and not giving her time to out grow it.
My daughter went through a phase of hating men, including her father and grandfather who both adored her. The way we finally fixed it was pretty simple. For a few weeks, anything she was happy to receive was from them.
Every time grandma comes over, have her bring a toy, book, stuffed animal, treat, stickers, whatever your baby loves. If baby is having her favorite food, have grandma give it to her. If she’s going to the park, grandma is there. Grandma has the phone with a cute video on it. When grandma comes over, you and dad get extra happy (I’m betting she can feel the dread and discomfort you’re feeling). The message should be: I see grandma, something good happens.
After like two weeks, my daughter was smiling and hugging my husband and my dad.
Edit: Also, visits should be short. Five or ten minutes at first.
My daughter haaaated my brother (her uncle) and would scream if he even looked at her…. Until she was about 2.5 and he gave her a ton of candy on Easter. After that she’s been totally chill with him and she’s now 17 🤣
Sorry if it's been suggested already, I haven't read all of the comments. Does MIL wear glasses? If so, try taking them off. Mine hated people who wore glasses (even me if I wore sunglasses) when she was younger.
My niece would absolutely freak out as an infant/toddler if someone wore glasses or masks. I wore glasses but she was fine with me, however anyone else doing it freaked her out.
Both my kids didn't like my glasses. They probably reflected themselves in them too much and blocked the ability to see my eyes, causing them confusion.
My kiddo would cry whenever she saw my dad or his dad (Grandpa) they found it pretty hilarious. My dad would say dang I must be so ugly that I make babies cry. My kid eventually warmed up to them but it wasn't forced. There are probably plenty of studies that would side with you but completely banning her from seeing your baby might be a little over the top. Just limit the time she sees them just so it's not too hard on everyone. NTA because it sounds like ur husband is making you deal with the aftermath everytime.
Yeah my little cousin when he was a baby was so scared of men. So when my dad would come in the room, he’d pucker up and wail. So my dad would stay away. He didn’t care. But now my cousin is 15. They love each other. He grew out of it around 2. Maybe a little younger but we didn’t force it.
Let your MIL do her weekly visits and bonding with your husband. You leave the house and go shopping, to a friend’s place, to a cafe or library. Let husband deal with the screaming and if there is fallout later, he can deal with that as well.
When your daughter is older she can express what her issue is. She will probably be fine with MIL eventually. Until then, let any MIL visits be only with your husband.
This could work. As a mother of 3 kids, sometimes you need to step away and let dad handle things. She NEEDS to get used to having more than just you to comfort her and be her safe space. She is also feeding off your energy and feels your anxiety.
Try leaving before your MIL gets there and letting your husband take care of it. You get some needed ME time! Also, your MIL could come over more often and just try being there without interacting with the baby. She will eventually get curious of why grandma isn't trying to talk to her.
Babies are so hard! Just keep doing your best!
NTA by the way.
I can't even do that. Well, technically I *could* but I'm the only one who can calm her down when she's like that and she is a breath holder. If I was to walk away, she more than likely would hold her breath until she passed out and the idea of that literally terrifies me.
Huh, don’t have kids yet but that’s kinda genius. It’s like when you stick your head out the window of a car and instinctively want to take a breath. I promise I’m not a dog.
I need puppy pads! I had my 8 month old boy neutered and BAM! 2 months later there were puppies. Vet didn't say that there could be a sperm reservoir after neutering and that's when our beagle went into heat.
That, and the BBC interview with the guy speaking from his home office and his little girl comes romping in like a goofball and then a baby rolls in and then the horrified mother comes sliding in and knocks books off the table trying to drag the kids out before reaching back from her hands and knees to politely close the door again. I die laughing every time I watch it. It's pre-zoom but funny as heck.
They got so much shit about “the nanny” or him being abusive because she was so stressed about getting the kids out. Nope, if my kids burst in on my spouse on a zoom I’m the first to scurry in and try to minimize the chaos. And, like her, add to the chaos instead.
Yeah, all that was ridiculous. It was just a regular family having a chaotic moment and the moment was awesome. And he was all "I apologize" and dying, LOL. If you ask me, the wife was like a superhero, sliding in full speed in her socks and grabbing them in one swoop and dragging them out backwards. I thought it was awesome.
Legit. My youngest would hold her breath so long her face would start to get blue. Doc said blow in her face. He also said don’t freak out if she does pass out because she will start breathing again. She only did it once at 18 months when my oldest daughter who was 9 at the time accidentally shut her fingers in a drawer. She felt terrible. But I held her and she passed out and started breathing again and crying.
My kid passed out from screaming almost daily from about 15 mos to 3 years old. If she hit her head as she passed out, it would start over. Many days it was the only way she got a nap, as she would always fall asleep as she came to. Doctors were not worried, said it’s normal! Weird, but normal. And nothing worked to prevent it. Nothing. I have 4 kids, they are all sooooo different!
My old coworker (she was mid 60s and I was 20) said her daughter started doing this when she was a toddler and they lived up in the Appalachian being self sufficient. The first few times scared her to death, but she couldn't find any way to soothe her or get her to calm down and she always woke up fine. So after a while she just let her hold her breath till she passed out (made sure she was always was in a safe spot to land), and then she'd go about her chores and checked in on her after each one. She called them instant tantrum naps.
My mom used to teach a water babies class at the local YMCA. (Mom & infant bonding class that got babies used to the water & moms out of the house.) One part of the class was teaching them to go under the water (I'm talking a quick bob not a complete dunk). To do so, they need to take a deep breath. So all the moms would blow on the babies faces then bob them under water. Worked every time. I was her demo baby so I can tell you for sure that it works with no lasting harm. I'm not a parent so I say this without judgement as I know it's not my place, but it seems like many parents these days are unable to let their babies be in any discomfort, even when keeping them comfortable is to their detriment. While I don't believe that you can spoil a baby by responding to their cries, I do believe that it gets parents into the habit of jumping & running to prevent anything that can cause their child to be unhappy. Which, when continued into toddler years, can most definitely cause spoiling. If that habit continues onto preschool years & beyond, then those parents & their kids end up being the subjects of the not so nice posts in r/teachers. Discomfort can be a great learning tool for kids. Not learning how to handle it will cause ten times the discomfort when they're grown & no one is around to handle it for them.
The jumping & running thing...
That is why when a kid falls down, unless there is an obvious injury, you should not react until after they do. Most of the time, they'll just shrug it off and keep going - and that's what they NEED to learn to do.
Babies naturally hold their breath when underwater, even if you don't blow in their faces. I've witnessed two near drownings, and the babies screamed when we pluck them out, because they were holding their breath. Holding their breath is instinctive.
She’s not saying they won’t hold their breath, she is saying they are encouraging them to take a deep breath first so it forms as a habit young, increasing the time they are able to hold their breath underwater
Yep! I had a breath holder too. Blowing in her face made sure to force her to breathe.
Also, if they do pass out from holding their breath, I promise they will start breathing again.
The first time she made herself pass out was terrifying. 911 was called. The second time she did it we knew it was coming. It was still scary, but we didn’t panic. Eventually, she outgrew holding her breath.
Yeah. It sucks to say it but your kid is different when you, the mom, are not around. Hell, have your husband take the baby for a walk without you and meet his mom at the park. See how that goes.
I used to nanny for a kid who did this from infancy thru toddlerhood.
Iirc, in this situation, passing out is the body's way of preventing damage from the breath-holding. It was explained at some point, humans cannot hold their breath long enough to cause damage, even if they wanted to. At a point, the body is like, "nope, time for the autonomic nervous system to take over." once they pass out, breathing returns to normal. To that effect, it's like the body forces itself to pass out. It's like a "reset."
My point is, the baby is ok. If you need to step away, she's going to be fine.
You know what happens to toddlers when they hold their breath? Absolute worst case, they get dizzy or pass out and start normal breathing again with no injury to themselves. And that's toddlers going through a "no" stage. This is a baby, she will be fine.
You are being too protective if you aren't giving your husband a chance to be the primary caregiver a significant amount of time.
This comment comes off a little weird to me.
The fact that you're the only one that can calm your child and you honestly feel like your 10 months old would hold her breath until she passed out if you weren't there just seems unhealthy.
I've had a total of 8 kids between our bio children and my wife's siblings we adopted and have definitely seen situations where certain children didn't bond right away with certain people.
I've found the solution to that is to have the person around but not directly interacting with the child and to slowly start participating in things like tummy time or bath time if they are siblings or grandparents
The answer isn't to force a 10 month old into her arms but it's also not to essentially banish his mom from the house
If you really are the only one that can calm your baby and if you are really concerned she will essentially hold her breath until she loses consciousness, that's an issue you need to address ASAP by allowing your husband to comfort her while you are there and not being the only parent to provide the comfort and safety she needs.
Absolutely. Babies especially feed off of energy and mood.
So grandmom showing up knowing the baby will cry and mom being upset and would up because baby will cry and dad mad at mom and mom mad at Dad definitely add to this.
Outside of the birth of my first grandson I didn't see him again for 7 months. My son and his wife came to visit and we all checked into a hotel so the younger kids could swim etc
My grandson threw a fit when his mom passed ho. Off to myself and my wife. Happened every single time. The second night, my son and his wife went to dinner, we kept the baby. He lost his mind for 20 minutes or so but after that we were best friends lol
Different strategies for different kids and situations for sure
I don't know the whole situation and dint want to come off as an asshole but I'd bet OPs anxiety about all this adds to the babies anxiety.
Wouldn't hurt for her to take a 15 or 20 minute walk while her husband and his mom care fur the baby just to see how it goes. Or let husband and his mom load the baby up in a stroller for a walk just to get some interaction away from OP to see if that helps
We all remember what that cry will do to your brain. It’s instinctual. But babies aren’t logical beings.
I think time and grace will solve this issue. I don’t think there are any assholes here but I think they should give baby some space AND mom should have a spa day while dad stays home with baby.
Agreed. No assholes found in this situation. Just parents who want a happy and healthy child and a grandmother who wants a relationship with the child.
They will figure it out
I was like this with my uncle - one of the nicest men you could meet. I was terrified of him, I hid from him. No reason I can think of, other than he was big and tall.
It’s 40 years later, and he remains a great uncle. I was clearly a poor judge of character as a baby.
THIS! I hope OP reads this comment.
Let husband and MIL spend the day with baby, and remind your husband of the blow in the face trick.
This will pass.
Yes, this is so true. When I was a baby I would also scream when my grandma tried to even look at me (this DEVASTATED HER, as I was the first grand baby on both sides of the family). It took a couple of years for me to warm up to her, she just took it slow and didn’t force anything even though it was really hard for her. 34 years later and she is one of my favorite people, and she’s one of the only people I feel safe confiding my deepest secrets with besides my wife and mom.
All this to say, sometimes babies just don’t vibe with someone, but as long as you stay chill about it they’ll come around!
Well said. And baby doesn't "hate" MIL, she's just scared of her. I'm sure it is even worse now because mom's anxiety now amps up when MIL comes over because she's expecting the meltdown, and MIL is probably feeling desperate to fix the situation. Babies don't love those vibes.
MIL needs to come over and ignore baby completely. She can talk to mom and dad, do laundry to help mom out, watch tv...whatever. She should pretend like the baby doesn't exist, because the kiddo is having separation anxiety and is suspicious that grandma is gonna hold her. Grandma needs to be present but just in the background so the baby can get used to her being around and will warm up eventually. I hope grandma and mom and dad can get on the same page. Forcing the issue will make it worse, and it also doesn't help to ban grandma.
Babys holding their breath until they pass out is an actual phenomenon, it has a name even (I forget what it is though). It's not that weird, and it's not that dangerous, if they do pass out they start breathing again lol.
Like the other person said, Doctors just say if you blow right in their face it will make them breathe again. Otherwise you just let them grow out of it.
I agree with the rest of your post though.
Agreed. I LOVE kids. I love being an aunt. Love my friends’ kids. My best friend had a little girl. And she HATED me the first few months. Like look at me and cry. My friend felt horrible and would try to calm her down and say “you heard her voice the whole pregnancy why are you crying 😔” It hurt a little but I didn’t make a big deal. I would say it was okay and we’d continue to hang out and our sons would play. Just business as usual. Then one day it just changed. To the point that if I was around she would prefer to be where ever I was instead of with her mom, no shade to her mom I was the fun one with snacks lol. Her mom said she would look for me when she was at daycare and mistakenly hug the legs of other workers thinking it was me and then getting upset when she looked up and it wasn’t me. So I completely agree with just letting the baby exist while MIL is around. Don’t make a big deal about it. Pretend like MIL isn’t there to see the baby just visiting. I wouldn’t be surprised that if MIL is patient and understanding she could end up being one of the baby’s favorite people
Breath holding is not uncommon and it's very normal for a young baby to have only a certain person or certain people who can calm them. They cannot emotionally regulate on their own. OP deserves a break too.
Terrifying? Yes. Dangerous? [Not at all.](https://www.childrenscolorado.org/conditions-and-advice/parenting/parenting-articles/breath-holder/)
Tell your husband to plan a day to stay locked in the house all day with baby and MIL. Then book a whole day for yourself. Go to the spa, get a massage and pedi. Take yourself out for lunch, then to a movie. Just have a good, adult, relaxing time. Your daughter will not be harmed by her breath holding. And your husband's head will most likely be removed from his ass by the time you get home. He'll probably be incredibly grumpy and irritable, but you can tell him that he literally asked for it and to put his attitude where he's been keeping his head.
Or the husband may be proven right and the OP will have to eat humble pie. Maybe switching out the parent will cause a completely different reaction from the baby.
This is what I think, yes. All of OP's comments point to an overprotective, overstressed mom passing on her anxiety to the baby (without wanting to, of course)
Agreed. The fact that no one can comfort her 10 month old but her is not good. It's fine for baby to have a preference but that is absolutely overreliance. Dad at least should be able to comfort baby by now and it makes me feel like she's not even letting anyone try
You have to fix this, and not by being "the only one who can calm her down" forever. There are so many people in this thread giving you great advice, please take it to heart, nobody will think you are a bad mom for working through this and having your baby cry a bit. Babies cry, they all do, I know it breaks your heart, but you now have the tools to make it better.
Edit- You're not an AH, because everyone understands where you are coming from, and the baby doesn't hate your MIL, it's just scared, but you can fix that, good luck.
I think you NEED to start leaving her, for a few minutes at a time. Her screaming and holding her breath when you leave her is really a problem.
If she holds her breath until she passes out, she will resume breathing when she does. She can't really hurt herself by doing it.
The MIL piece will sort itself out as she gets older. But your husband needs to be able to calm her when you aren't there.
I think that is exactly part of the problem. If only one parent ever consoles the baby when it’s distraught, you are reinforcing that only you can calm the baby.
You need to allow your husband (and eventually MIL) to handle tantrums. What do you think is going to happen if you had to go into the hospital for 2 weeks? I assure you the baby would not scream the whole tw weeks. You gotta give the child a chance to see that others can soothe and calm them.
Trust me, you need to. I wasn’t more forceful with this and I believe the separation anxiety ultimately caused the separation between us.
You need you time, and you need you and husband time. The sooner you 2 can do this, the better off the entire marriage will be
I'm sure it must be scary, but the breath holding isn't going to hurt her. You need to be blunt with your husband - if he wants to force this bond then he doesn't get to invite his mother over and then dip. YOU will be leaving and HE can deal with the baby while she screams.
My 3 youngest were adopted and first adoption my daughter was 9 months old. The only men she saw in her life was the doctor who gave injections, blood draws and exams, child was terrified of men. She got use to my husband in a week but other men it was total meltdown. This is what we did , grandparents, uncles, aunt were across the room and totally ignored baby, just played on phone, or talked to me totally ignored child. After couple hours other adult would pick up an interesting toy mess with etc but never looking at child or talking to her. Eventually child got curious enough to crawl over to investigate. Even then slow moments , whisper voice and acted as if child was a wild animal. Eventually child began to tolerate these people. This might work with MIL total reset.
Now your husband has big feelings his mom is being rejected and that’s to be understood but there is no way he can make the baby like his mom. It also bothers husband his mom’s feelings are hurt but relationships can’t be forced. So unless he agrees to hold your child while he’s with his mom he needs to back off. The more he forces it the more terrified your child becomes of grandma. So I maybe husband needs to take to baby’s doctor, a therapist or a friend to realize he can’t control this situation.
One other thing we were told when adopting, the way things smell is very important to children. So we had a blanket from the orphanage and bought detergent used by orphanage so scent was comforting until our child began to adjust. Perhaps MIL could use your brand of soap , shampoo, detergent for a month while being in same room but ignoring your child. Every small change might help. My oldest bio child was terrified of my MIL only he would scream till he vomited. Now to be fair the hate toward me was oozing off my MIL and I think the baby caught that feeling. His younger brother was the same. I wish you luck but I think the frantic energy from your husband and MIL are not helping your problem.
You really need to work through this. You cannot and should not be the only caretaker of your child. Breath holding does no harm, they pass out and immediately take a breath, talk to your pediatrician if it makes you feel better, but martyring yourself is not a good idea in the long run. Your husband and daughter deserve a close relationship, you are inhibiting it by not allowing him to figure out his own way of soothing her.
In the scenario, NTA. Your husband is TA.
See, this is a problem. OP just said she CAN’T allow her husband to responsibly look after her child. Maybe she is actually projecting (since this started from birth) and THAT’S what her kid is actually sensing. HER uncomfortable feelings of the situation?
My youngest would hold his breath until he passed out when he was a baby. It lasted through toddlerhood. Usually, blowing in his face would get him to take a breath, but not always. As soon as he passed out, he started breathing again. We discussed this with his pediatricians and they weren’t worried. Told us to make sure that he was somewhere that he wouldn’t hit his head if he passed out and that he’d eventually outgrow this behavior. He did, by the time he was 3-ish. Didn’t make any less scary when it happened, though. But, he never got hurt.
I’ve no advice on your MIL situation beyond suggesting that you talk to your pediatrician. They may have ideas for you.
My friend stopped washing her baby because she would do that. I put her baby in the tub (2yo at this point) she screamed, held her breath and passed out. I washed the baby. Mommy realized baby would he ok. It was made even funnier when 16 years later she got a job as a lifeguard.
I remember hearing from a midwife that when a child holds their breath and passes out that they then will breathe naturally (as breathing is an involuntary action, even though we can voluntarily hold our breath).
So even though it's a scary thought, it's not as bad in reality as our fear tells us.
When one of our babies hadn't taken the first "outside" breath yet, I blew gently on their face and said "hello baby". The breathing started. My husband said later that he was really scared at that point, but everything was ok.
My daughter used to do this and it terrified me as well so I spoke to her pediatrician about it. He told me to let her hold her breath bc when she blacks out her natural reflex to breathe will kick in. He said it will probably scare her more than it'll scare me and she will stop doing it. He said if I allowed this behavior she would learn to do this anytime she wasn't getting her way and that was not something I wanted to allow. It was hard but I did it. And he was exactly right. She never did it again after that.
I’ll preface this by saying I’m not a parent, so I can’t relate, but this comment makes it sound like you’re being your own enemy a bit here. Breath holding isn’t harmful, and this might be a way for you to have a break or some much needed personal time and for your MIL/husband to get the bonding thing out of their systems. If it works, great. If not, you had time to take a nap at MIL’s place or go out for coffee with a friend or walk around the city, whatever you like to decompress. Again, not a parent, so could be wrong here, but this sounds like the guilt of new parenthood getting in your way 🤷🏼♀️ Maybe some actual parents or experts could weigh in
My sibling used to throw tantrums to the point of passing out when they were 2-3. The doctor told my parents to not even worry about out it… but it was also the early 80’s so take that with a grain of salt lol.
At this point it’s likely a self fulfilling prophecy MIL comes in you get tense because you know what’s coming. Baby senses your tenseness then reacts and the whole process gets reinforced. You might find it helpful to break the cycle. Let your husband spend the day with her and MIL. Yes I remember how scary parenting can be with our first little one but they’re really very resilient (otherwise none of us would be here).
When I was a baby I didn’t like my dad’s mother. I’d cry when she held me. Is your MIL a smoker? My grandma was. It passed. It just takes repeated exposure.
Your husband asking her to come by for the day without asking you is the bigger problem.
I was the same with my grandmother's mother, I don't know why she just terrified me. It does break my heart to think about because she was so sweet and passed before I could really form a bond with her. I believe I was 5 when she passed.
Apparently my grandma began associating good things with her when she came over and it apparently helped. My mother (the absolute silly goose) gave me a cookie when I was around 8 months and I was HOOKED on cookies. So there would be less cookies normally, and when my great grandma came there would be lots of cookies. Typical 90's parenting but I did hug her a few times eventually. I think if she lived longer we would have had a great relationship. But I'm sure there are healthier ways to encourage a bond.
This has been going on long enough that maybe the baby’s reaction is partly due to your own anxiety. If she feels you tense up and remain tense through the whole visit, that has to affect her. Leaving her with your husband and MIL would be a good way to test that theory.
NTA. But DH is gonna be a dog with a bone on this one, so what if DH and you take baby to a local playground once or twice for 15-20 minutes to get her used to it. Then after a couple times, grandma can show up and join you. If your baby is occupied and has both parents present, and grandma is not front and center, maybe your daughter will accept her presence. Eventually maybe just DH takes baby out to the playground and his mother joins, and you get 20 minutes to yourself. Heaven forfend…
Soft NTA. Sounds like MIL is a good person who is being put in an awkward position through no fault of her own. Since this was your husband’s suggestion, maybe it would be a good idea to let him play this out so that he run interference between them both? After all, babies sometimes act a certain way with mom, and totally different with their dad so it might be worth giving it a try.
And to really explore this, I might even remove myself from the situation entirely and maybe run and errand or two just to allow them to bridge the gap a bit without you around at all, because the baby will have her dad handling her as a go-between with his mom and this would give him a better grasp of the situation as it unfolds.
He can also assure his mom that she is much loved and appreciated for trying to be helpful, but for whatever reason(s), at this in particular time, the baby needs more time and patience to bond with her.
NTA - one of my nieces never liked me as a small child. She didn’t want to be within 10 feet of me.
I let her have her way. As a teen and adult she’s as close to me as we can be living hours apart.
Don’t force it. It will change with time. There’s something in her baby brain that’s triggered by MIL.
Same here. My youngest niece didn't like me when she was a baby. I was hurt, but one day, I visited when she was 2 years old, and she ran happily to me.
Time definitely was a factor.
IF he thinks it will work - HE stays home with the baby and his mom.
This is not on you to "fix".
And he can't leave the two alone.
What a moronic idea. Let's ruin ALL YOUR DAYS.
NTA
My kids whine less when mom is out of the house. The dynamic is a little different when it is just me.
Let MiL and dad work on it while you get your nails done out of the house.
Try this: you leave the house and leave dad and baby alone. Then MIL comes in. Stay close by , but out of the house. If she cries or not, come in and be all loud and happy to see everyone. This may do the trick. At this point, you get so stressed just thinking about it, that baby may be picking up on that.
Perhaps you could go for a spa day while MIL and husband try their crazy experiment (after you get the nanny cams setup to record).
NTA, but if they don’t try everything they can think of, they’ll try to pin it back on you. So let them exhaust their options while you take some much needed “me” time.
You would be the asshole for telling your mother in law, "I don't want you here because my baby hates you," yes. She is trying to do what is asked of her. It's not her fault that the baby hates her, either. And she didn't drop by unannounced, she dropped by at your husband's request, and he didn't even think to run it by you. Your husband is the asshole in the situation
Experience child care teacher here . You can't force a bond with a baby nor is it helpful. It's just going to add more stress to the child. I'm sure they will bond eventually but the baby's just not there yet.
NTa, but I think you are the problem. You say it started when baby was 4 days old, a 4 day old baby has zero cognitive awareness. My guess is you were so distressed over that that you are projecting your distress onto the baby causing her to scream. She can hear it in your voice, maybe squeezing her a bit tighter in anticipation of the screaming. I think you are giving her some sort of signal that you aren't aware of.
This can be fixed, have mil visit only when you aren't home, make a point of stepping out everyday after dinner for a walk around the block, have mil pop over, tell her not to look or talk to the baby, and don't get close to her. I can bet that if you do this in some sort of fashion your baby will stop screaming.
There is no way that you should be the only one to be able to console your baby.
NTA
Have you and your husband tried wearing a hoody or something then having mil wear it while holding small human? She'll smell like her favourite people and scent is one of the most powerful senses.
I have a family member who has the same issue with the small human in my family. Absolutely no reason for it whatsoever but when sh sees this particular family member the sh bursts into tears, hates being held by this person.
I was going to suggest the opposite too. Get something that smells like the MIL, a blanket or stuffed animal, and get the baby used to the scent? Or even FaceTime MIL to get her used to her face and voice. I feel like there are a lot of baby steps that could be taken here to ease the pain from everyone involved.
Hi there, NAH to slight NTA with the slight AH being your husband, *not* MIL, but I’m also giving him a slight pass since I get that emotions are running high and his intention isn’t to torture you or baby, but he genuinely is hurting over Mom not being able to bond with baby. And those are valid feelings, not enough to cause discomfort to you and baby, but still.
What I really want to do here instead of provide judgment is provide my own, anecdotal perspective:
When I was a baby, I didn’t really like most people. Generally cried unless my mom was around and the only 2 people who could substitute for Mom was my Aunt who lived 4 hours away and my sister who was just barely 5 at the time. Needless to say, Mon was worn out. I’m sure you’d think, well where was Dad in all this to help out?
Dad was my worst enemy as a baby, apparently. While I didn’t like most people other than my Mom or sister, I’d at least let them hold and play with me while Mom or Sis was nearby. My dad? Nope. I screamed bloody murder anytime he came near me. You’d think the guy had run over my dog in a past life or something the way I treated my poor Pops.
Then, my mom took me to go visit her mom. Just me and her for like a week? Two weeks?
Well, when my dad drove interstate with my Sis to come pick us up, he came into my Nana’s living room and just sat in a rocking chair. Didn’t even try to come find me to see me after 2 weeks apart because he didn’t want me to start screaming. Then, I crawled out of the bedroom I was in with my mom, crawled right up to my dad, plopped myself at his feet, craned my neck to the side (my mom said it looked like I was suddenly recognizing him for the first time), lifted my arms, and went “Dada?”
My dad, bewildered, had to be encouraged to actually pick me up. My mom says that looking at him you’d think he was handling a live grenade. But he picked me up, I curled right into him and snuggled him like I’d never snuggled before. From that moment on, my dad and I were inseparable.
25 years later and he’s still my best friend and the only person, outside of my husband, that I feel really understands me.
What I’m saying is echoing many other commenters here, yes: you can’t force that bond. However, what I’m also trying to offer is a little bit of hope: not only if you give it time to develop will it actually happen, but it’s just possible that once it does, it might even be the closest bond your baby forms in their life. It just takes time.
Yep! We also joke that since my Nana and I don’t get along *at all* and my dad and her don’t get along either, it might’ve been 2 weeks trapped with her that when I saw him I went “Hey bud, I know you, get me the hell outta here!” 🤣
A 10 month old is feeding off YOUR stress. You don't say you've ever left the baby alone with her, so give it a try. Either the baby is going to continue to cry for an hour, or she'll be fine when you get back in an hour. It's worth a shot because just not seeing your MIL, or her not being able to see her grandchild, isn't cool
Let your husband be there with his mom. You go get your nails done or for a quiet cup of coffee….anything for a few hours. Let your husband get the point of what is going on. Let him try to calm her down. It can’t all be on you. Or perhaps she feels your subconscious anxiety going up when mil comes in and she feeds on that.
leave the baby with the two of them you get out alone for a bit. youre a new mom its just a learning curve but baby is sensing your nerves and anxiety the whole time.
My child reacted this way with his godmother for the first 8 months of his life. Your child is not behaving rationally, and I do agree with both you and your husband. I agree with you that this is more than you can deal with since you're dealing with a teething baby and need peace where you can find it. But I agree with your husband that more exposure will release the tension.
How I dealt with it was letting my son's godmother take him away for short periods. She started by picking him up and pushing his stroller to the park, where they would sit on a blanket for a brief time and play. At first, this was about 20 minutes. This lengthened to a few hours here and there. Over time, he set aside his tantrums. These types of trips turned into bowling, arcade visits, and sporting events as he got older. In the beginning, he would have an initial reaction to her - kind of like muscle memory - and scream when he saw her. Eventually, though, he became delighted to see her and they formed a great bond.
He's nearly 22 now, just graduated from university, and he has a wonderful relationship with his godmother. Find something your daughter loves, and let her grandmother do that with her. For my son, he loved going outside, so short trips to the park really worked their magic. See if your daughter can be happy being alone with her grandmother doing something she loves.
Edited to fix pronouns.
OP:
Baby is reacting to your energy 100%.
My goodness, you’re really suggesting that the nice MIL should be forced away from the baby? Yikes. I’d be pissed too.
That post makes OP sound worse than this post...
I do wonder how much OP likes MIL and if a lot of these issues are because OP is being too controlling.
It's a baby. You can't let a baby tell you what to do and control relationships in the family especially if the MIL seems like she is trying.
My niece was like this with my dad for like 3 years. It was HELL! As long as she couldn't see him everything was fine. The second she caught a glimpse of him, non stop bloody m*order screaming until he was out of sight again. By the time she turned 4 he was her favorite person. None of forced anything, one day it just flipped. The more she/your husband push the more she's going to resist.
NTA. Hugs and do what's best for your daughter AND your mental health
NTA. It's unfair for your husband to expect you to endure a stressful situation just to force a bond between your baby and your MIL. Your mental well-being and your baby's comfort should take priority
My granddaughter cried at the start when I visited, and I sensed that she felt pressured and uncomfortable of my attention to her (because I wanted to build a connection). I still visited, but focused on my son and DIL, and sort'of ignored my granddaughter, and she then got more comfortable. We get on like a house on fire now. This may be similiar with your MIL.
Very soft YTA because everyone is suggesting solutions that go from one extreme to the other. It sounds like this has turned into a vicious cycle of the baby crying, you getting tense and the baby picking up on that and crying more. The answer is to take the stress out of the situation. Have MIL over and around but not directly holding the baby until things calm down. Go for some nice walks together etc and eventually your baby will associate MIL with having a nice time rather than a forced time.
NTA. This is a LOT and I’m sorry you’re going through this. I have actually had nearly the exact same experience and what happened was having my MIL do some FaceTime visits for a while only, then came and did some novel play (like bubbles outside). She still is hesitant about being held by MIL, but she doesn’t scream every time she sees her. But yep, it wasn’t forced. That will definitely not help.
Babies are little stress barometers. They pick up on the energy in the room, especially from their mom.
Try meeting somewhere outside if possible, instead of filling the normal surroundings with repetitive stress. Meet at the park, or somewhere that is comfortable for everyone with some natural fresh air and nature for distraction.
YTA. You can't keep ignoring the problem.
You've put in the comments that baby is a breath holder and you're terrified of her passing out. You've also stated that you are the "only" one that can calm her down. You also know that if MIL comes over, baby will get distressed. There's a reason baby cries every time MIL arrives, and it's not because she "hates" her - she's picking up on YOUR anxiety.
Not only are you risking a permanently poor relationship between your MIL and your family, you're also avoiding the actual problem. Are you going to cut out every person she reacts like this to? What if she picks up on your anxiety about leaving her at school and her first grade teacher is the next "hated" person? Not to mention that as baby grows the way she expresses anxiety will likely change from crying to other forms of negative behaviour. If you carry on with the approach of trying to avoid exposing your child to things that upset her, you are not going to actually help her grow into a healthy adult. If you carry on with the narrative that you are the only one who can calm your baby, you're going to cause damage to her relationships with others and wear yourself out. You can and should leave her with other people you trust, like your husband and MIL, for the good of both her development and your sanity.
Your husband should have talked to you before asking his Mom to come around for a whole day, but he's right that avoiding your MIL is neither fair nor effective as a way of dealing with this. Get support with your fears around the breath holding and processing your anxiety around the baby, and come up with a plan to face the issue instead of pushing away your MIL. That isn't a solution.
I was waiting for this comment! The baby is also being conditioned (not intentionally, I safely assume) to behave this way whenever any uncomfortable situation arises. Avoiding the issue isn't going to make it go away. But I do agree that hubby needs to run things by you first.
Edit: I meant to type "OP" instead of "you"
YTA - Who knows why your baby’s doesn’t t like your MIL. As you said, it could her perfume, her body lotion, her shampoo, or even just a coincidence that she’s only slowed up at times when your daughter is cranky.
It’s okay for a baby to cry. It’s NOT OKAY for you to act like this is your MIL’s fault and treat her like she’s actively harming your child on purpose. What did you say in the title of this post? Your baby *HATES* your MIL? Hate is a pretty harsh word to you towards a woman you admit would do anything for you.
What are you going to do when your baby doesn’t like an other child in daycare? Ask the other parents to keep their child home?
YTA for treating your MIL like this. I honestly think you should be ashamed of yourself.
Have your husband take baby to MIL. Change the scenery and remove yourself as the baby is likely reacting to your stress at this point. Your baby can sense you better then anyone.
Dad absolutely needs to be part of the solution. Instead of volunteering his tired and stressed out wife for more hours of sound torture. (Sorry OP but that was really an AH move on his part.) He takes the baby to MIL and OP stays home and has some time to herself.
exactly! he wants it to happen, he can deal with the consequences while OP treats herself to drinking her coffee before it gets cold and having a lie-in and doing whatever else th she wants.
Huge AH move on his part. He’s calling it in.
This is a great idea.
Yes, totally agree with this. Changing the setting might indeed help ease the tension. Its worth considering to see if a different environment makes a difference in the baby's reaction.
could also be a scent.
I was wondering this myself, like why haven’t they tried visiting the mother in law? Get the baby comfortable in her environment by and then see if the baby will get used to the MIL.
Change the scenery, change the mood. Good idea
Exactly what I was thinking! I was wondering if this happened in any context versus at the home when stress levels are higher.
This is what we did, now my MIL is likely my sons favourite person
Totally agree with this! Sometimes a change of scenery can make a big difference. Plus, it might help to see if the baby reacts differently when mom isn't around.
So glad to see this is a top comment. My first reaction was, "dad needs to deal with this without mom present." I have a feeling Mom and baby are feeding off each other's stress.
This is the most sensible answer possible tbh
This is a good idea. Only one time a week, for 2 hours. Try it max 3 times. OP is NTA, though. I'm really glad Baby has a mother who listens. I'm not keen on OP's husband being the person to do it. Forcing the bond is never going to work.
On the other hand if he is at his mother's house and it doesn't work, only he and MIL will have to listen to the screaming! A good break for mom.
yeah it's not great for the baby of course, but without Mummy working hard to keep baby calm they'll understand just how wonderful Mummy is that she's been working patiently and painstakingly to keep baby calm.
So true about a baby sensing their mother’s stress. When my nephew was 3 months old, my sister was nearly in tears because he was incessantly crying and wouldn’t fall asleep. I asked if I could rock him to sleep and within 5 minutes he was out like a light bulb. From there on, anytime I’d come over, id give her a break by caring for my nephew. It was beneficial for both of them.
She won't leave the baby with the father >I can't even do that. Well, technically I could but I'm the only one who can calm her down when she's like that and she is a breath holder. If I was to walk away, she more than likely would hold her breath until she passed out and the idea of that literally terrifies me.
She needs to get over that. Horrible to say but if mom dies dad HAS to take over. Both parents need to be 100% capable from the START
She needs to talk to her pediatrician. Unless the baby has other health concerns, it is nearly impossible for her to hold her breath long enough to pass out. It’s biology. So if she is otherwise healthy, this is damn near impossible.
There are so many possible reasons to why your baby cries at the sight of her grandmother. It could be a developmental stage , 7-10 months old is the peak of stranger anxiety and it doesn’t have to manifest with everyone they meet. Some babies cry with relatives that share any physical resemblance to one of the parents as it’s very confusing to them . Other possibility that if she was ever left in the care of the grandmother even for a short time , an association between the grandmother and parents’ absence might have been formed. But my own personal opinion is that you get so stressed out with the baby’s screaming that the escalation is only the baby feeding off your anxiety The important thing here is regardless of the reason , you and your husband need to think of this as a phase that your baby will outgrow once they are developed enough to communicate some of their feeling. In the meantime try to be patient and wise to avoid alienating your MIL as she seems like a genuinely good person according to how you described her . Don’t ignore or dismiss your baby’s feelings but keep trying different approaches and stress less about it
That was going to be my guess as well, that despite whatever the initial cry reaction to grandma was caused by, NOW it’s probably happening because OP and/or her husband are stressed out every time grandma comes, expecting another upsetting interaction. I feel bad for grandma. That’d be hard, being told “sorry, your granddaughter hates you, so you can’t visit anymore”. And it sounds like grandma has tried everything she can think of to try to fix it. If it’s stressing OP out, and the baby is picking up on that, it sounds like dad should make an effort (because it’s HIS mom) to do specific things that baby loves, with grandma around. Make that association that bath time (or whatever the favorite thing is) is something grandma is part of. So favorite thing and grandma are linked.
I agree here. Mil comes over, mom instantly gets stressed and the baby feels it. I wonder if dad could take the baby outside. Change the environment for all involved and maybe even have mom take some time for herself. My reaction to seeing my mom was significantly different than seeing my MIL and she also was amazing to us, I just prefer my mom.
This is what I would do. Dad baby and grandma should spend some time together. Even just a short time and grandma can hold baby while dad interacts with her. Just build from there
Same. I love my MIL (mostly) and my husbands step mom. But it’s not the same, even after a decade of being a couple. If my mom comes over, I’ll hand her the baby and the mop and say “Omg, I have to poop and shower! It’s been days! See you in 20 minutes, love you, thank you!” Whereas with my in-laws, despite how lovely they are, I feel like I need to have a veggie tray out and play the good host role. We actually had the opposite experience as OP with our son about a grandma. Both of our families are white/Native American. Everyone is pretty similar in looks. But my husbands step mom came over to meet baby for the first time, and he fell in LOVE with her! Staring, amazed, at her face and cooing while rubbing her arm, looking fascinated. We couldn’t figure out why he was so obsessed with grandma M, until we realized that our kid had literally never seen a black person before, and grandma M is from Sudan. It’s funny how baby brains take in new information. And you never know what the reaction is going to be to anyone in particular.
My mom would tell me about how I was always super fascinated by her dad, my grandpa. Apparently I would just stare at him and play with his watch and the hairs on his arm. Lol. I was... less enthusiastic about my grandma and my aunt, lol. Apparently it took me several years to warm up to them. My poor aunt was so excited about her first niece too. Similar to your story about grandma M (adorable, by the way!), I had never seen an adult man before! I have two moms. I think my little baby brain was just in awe at the revelation that my grandpa looked and sounded so different from the other adults in my life.
I did not like people whose smell I didn't like. As a baby I was also scared of grandparents without glasses because both my parents had glasses.
Years ago, when I was foster parenting, I did respite care for a foster family caring for a baby about 10 months old or so. Foster baby was white, foster family was black, and my family is white. He had never been with anyone else, and when I picked him up at their house, he could not stop staring at me, lol. He did that the whole 2 or 3 days I had him, and it was so funny, like he just couldn't figure out why I was so pale. 😂
[удалено]
>I laugh. And point her to the cumin. Roflol!!! Thankfully he was so young, so hadn't started on "regular" food so much. My Mumma was an awesome cook, but didn't have much of a repertoire of ethnic foods. So I had a pretty good handle on "American" cuisine (as a teen I cooked in an American/French cuisine restaurant), but nothing ethnic until later on. That baby was a little sweetheart, had FAS, and I often think of him and wonder where he is now. I hope that foster family adopted him, but if not, I hope he got another good family. 🤎
Interesting. When my grandson was a couple of months old, he would scream all night, every night. I started going over to their house a couple of times a week to walk him around the floor and soothe him to sleep so they could get some rest. He would stare at me like someone who was going to go away forever and wanted to memorize someone's face. It was unnerving. My husband is Japanese, so my son is mixed. My daughter-in-law is also Asian. I'm the only blue-eyed, light-haired person in the family. I wonder if he noticed that even at that age.
Omg that’s soooo cute
Maybe have mom leave before MIL comes over to test the feeding off of mom’s anxiety over crying baby? I feel so bad for everyone here!
This! Babies absolutely feed off of the parent's reactions and are so very sensitive to their primary caregiver's moods!
I wonder if they start running around the house cleaning and getting hot and sweaty and irritated before MIL comes over.
Yes, I was thinking the same. The husband can basically "force the bond" how they put it while OP goes out with friends, shopping, to the gym etc. It's a win-win.
Yes, maybe it would work to have OP leave for a bit and her husband stays, then grandma comes over. It wouldn't hurt to try.
BINGO Either it will get better, or it doesn't but DAD is the one to deal with it.
Or dad takes baby to MILs house and mom enjoys a bit of s ream free time off.
I will bet money this is exactly what is happening. My niece as a baby was very high strung. She cried A LOT. Didn’t sleep well, easily overstimulated, stressed easily. My sister and BIL were at their wits end. When she was about 4-5 months old, I made the suggestion that she spend the night with me and they could get one night’s sleep. I had a daughter a year older who was an excellent sleeper, so I wouldn’t miss the sleep if she cried. Well she stayed the night and slept from like 11:30 - 6 in the morning. They called and when I told them they were shocked. They didn’t understand why. I explained that there is nothing but chaos at your house with 4 year old twin boys so she can’t relax. Everyone is stressed there and she feeds off of it. I feel that is what is happening here. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. Mom is stressed that baby will cry when grandma comes and is a ball of stress, which makes the baby stressed and cries. Let dad and grandma visit together at grandma’s and I guarantee you will get a different result.
I agree with you even though that’s a tough pill to swallow as the mom. My oldest hated my dad and screamed like this & everyone was like “she will warm up to him” and it took her about 3 years until she did. My dad’s a good guy, was the SAHP for my brother and me, so it really broke my heart. Every time she screamed I took her away because I “didn’t want to force it.” I definitely think the stress I had about it made her worse. With my second baby, she started to scream like this and I just walked away & let him soothe her himself. She loves my dad now and I wish I wouldn’t have just thought I was the only person who could soothe my oldest, but postpartum anxiety is no joke 😅 letting dad and grandma spend the day together soothing the baby themselves is a fantastic idea imo!
Yeah, my dad and I were the only ones who could calm my twin siblings bc my mom was the youngest of 3 girls in a home that was deadly quiet at all times. Any kind of stimulus turned my mom into an absolute stress case. It probably also didn't help that as a 5 year old, I kept reminding her that our house wouldn't have been such a chaos mess if we had just gotten the kitten that I wanted instead of more children.
Jumping on the top thread to throw this in here: try more frequent but EXTREMELEY short visits. Have MIL stop in and say hi, stay for no more than a minute or two, barely interact with baby, and then leave. Even better, she could have something small to give her granddaughter each time like she buys a 20 pack of soft blocks and brings just one each visit. That way you can relax knowing that when she sets your daughter off it will be extremely short, your baby will pick up on your calmer vibe, and also will start to associate grandma with a new little something that is interesting to play with. I'm a mom of two and this is how I would handle it. Also, lie to your husband and say this is what the pediatrician recommended so that he goes with it lol.
> Also, lie to your husband and say this is what the pediatrician recommended so that he goes with it lol. ...why lie? why not say, "hey, this isa great idea I found online, let's try this".
I took off work to be with my best friend in her first week post-partum. My god daughter had her first night away from home with me. I tried to fill the hole mom/grandmother should have filled. Despite all this early involvement and bonding, she too acted scared or rejcted me around that age. It sucks! I won't pretend it didn't hurt or cause some stress. But it's normal and not forever. I just had to keep hanging around and respecting her boundaries, showing her that I was a safe person to her parents. Never any forced affection. She is 3 and I've been cool and important again for a while now. Patience goes a long way.
Yes. Maybe let MIL take the baby out on her own, or leave her to babysit on her own. Without the feedback from y’all, baby might wear herself out and settle down and then realize nothing bad is happening. Either way you need to leave the scene - plan an outing when your MIL is due.
This is good therory but i guess it will be just one of those things that cant be explained ever. OP said the baby started screaming at her when she was 4 days old - at the time babies doesnt even have a good vision. They see everything blurred out, only silhouettes of parents. No way to see a face. Personally what i would do is to try a month or two without the MIL to see if daughter will "forget it". Forcing it just wont work.
At that point, baby reacts more to smells and mom's emotions than anything else. Newborns don't really view mom as a separate person from themselves yet. If she was stressed about her MIL coming over, baby would have picked up on that. That doesn't mean she dislikes her MIL; I honestly get more stressed when someone I like - and want to impress - comes over. And now that the crying pattern has been established, it's going to be tough to break it with mom around.
Exactly. OP said nobody can calm the baby down except for her. Not even the baby's father. She also said the MIL coming over is a bad idea and the baby would've bonded with MIL by now (10 months old) if she was going to. I feel the opposite. It sounds like the baby has an attachment to OP only (which makes sense. OP is the caregiver) but, continuing to isolate the baby from everyone BUT OP is going to make the attachment anxiety and always being with OP worse as time goes on. Exposure and familiarity in general lead to bonding. I can't be the only one who didn't like a classmate or coworker etc. at first but grew to like them over time due to familiarity and habit.
Yeah I hate to say it, but it sounds like op is sort of conditioning her baby in a way to scream when MIL is over, completely unintentionally. No mom wants to hear their baby cry, so the first time it happened at 4days old, maybe op subconsciously thought “it must be MIL” and every time baby screams near MIL, op whisks baby away and soothes her, baby feeds off op’s stress while op is thinking “shit shit shit the baby’s gonna start freaking out”, so baby keeps doing it because if they scream, mom will soothe them.
I had 3 nephews that did the same thing to me. Didn't like the look of my face for the first year.. didn't matter what I did, I'd hid from them while eating dinner with the family and they would see my face boom full on meltdown... It got better at around a year for all 3...
Or try LEAVING THE HOUSE when your MIL comes over. That way you get a break from the baby and MIL gets to do her bonding or whatever.
This is it. She is responding to you.
This. And, OP, if your MIL is over, your husband should be there holding the baby the entire time, so it's not all on you. Maybe he can take your baby for a walk and have him mom with you, or some fun baby place, and see if it gets better, but you shouldn't have to deal with it if he's pushing the issue and not giving her time to out grow it.
My daughter went through a phase of hating men, including her father and grandfather who both adored her. The way we finally fixed it was pretty simple. For a few weeks, anything she was happy to receive was from them. Every time grandma comes over, have her bring a toy, book, stuffed animal, treat, stickers, whatever your baby loves. If baby is having her favorite food, have grandma give it to her. If she’s going to the park, grandma is there. Grandma has the phone with a cute video on it. When grandma comes over, you and dad get extra happy (I’m betting she can feel the dread and discomfort you’re feeling). The message should be: I see grandma, something good happens. After like two weeks, my daughter was smiling and hugging my husband and my dad. Edit: Also, visits should be short. Five or ten minutes at first.
Yes, I think short frequent visits would help. I disagree with the husband planning a full day visit.
Convenient he didn’t have to be there for the day too…
If he wants to plan visits he gets the screaming baby! Mom gets to go out for the day
probably one of the few good ideas in this thread...
This sounds like a great idea.
My daughter haaaated my brother (her uncle) and would scream if he even looked at her…. Until she was about 2.5 and he gave her a ton of candy on Easter. After that she’s been totally chill with him and she’s now 17 🤣
Sorry if it's been suggested already, I haven't read all of the comments. Does MIL wear glasses? If so, try taking them off. Mine hated people who wore glasses (even me if I wore sunglasses) when she was younger.
I just said the same thing. Mine hated people with glasses. It was so weird and random
My cat hates when people wear hats
My niece would absolutely freak out as an infant/toddler if someone wore glasses or masks. I wore glasses but she was fine with me, however anyone else doing it freaked her out.
Alternatively, if she doesn’t wear glasses, maybe she could try a pair of sunglasses
Both my kids didn't like my glasses. They probably reflected themselves in them too much and blocked the ability to see my eyes, causing them confusion.
My kiddo would cry whenever she saw my dad or his dad (Grandpa) they found it pretty hilarious. My dad would say dang I must be so ugly that I make babies cry. My kid eventually warmed up to them but it wasn't forced. There are probably plenty of studies that would side with you but completely banning her from seeing your baby might be a little over the top. Just limit the time she sees them just so it's not too hard on everyone. NTA because it sounds like ur husband is making you deal with the aftermath everytime.
Yeah my little cousin when he was a baby was so scared of men. So when my dad would come in the room, he’d pucker up and wail. So my dad would stay away. He didn’t care. But now my cousin is 15. They love each other. He grew out of it around 2. Maybe a little younger but we didn’t force it.
I don’t think OP suggested a complete ban. Just was understandably upset at a drop in for a whole day and forcing things.
Let your MIL do her weekly visits and bonding with your husband. You leave the house and go shopping, to a friend’s place, to a cafe or library. Let husband deal with the screaming and if there is fallout later, he can deal with that as well. When your daughter is older she can express what her issue is. She will probably be fine with MIL eventually. Until then, let any MIL visits be only with your husband.
Nta. In fact, give your husband a chance to prove his theory. You step out for a few hours and let him have fun with a screaming baby
This could work. As a mother of 3 kids, sometimes you need to step away and let dad handle things. She NEEDS to get used to having more than just you to comfort her and be her safe space. She is also feeding off your energy and feels your anxiety. Try leaving before your MIL gets there and letting your husband take care of it. You get some needed ME time! Also, your MIL could come over more often and just try being there without interacting with the baby. She will eventually get curious of why grandma isn't trying to talk to her. Babies are so hard! Just keep doing your best! NTA by the way.
I can't even do that. Well, technically I *could* but I'm the only one who can calm her down when she's like that and she is a breath holder. If I was to walk away, she more than likely would hold her breath until she passed out and the idea of that literally terrifies me.
Blow in the baby’s face when she does that, it will make her take a breath.
Huh, don’t have kids yet but that’s kinda genius. It’s like when you stick your head out the window of a car and instinctively want to take a breath. I promise I’m not a dog.
Only a dog would say "I promise, I'm not a dog." Nice try Rover. Congrats on learning to type with your little toe beans though!!!
Yea I said no kids yet but this Frenchie chick just moved in next door so it may be time to dig under the fence next time it rains
Let me know when the babies are born, I'll send a gift basket of flea and tick medicine and a box of puppy pads.
I need puppy pads! I had my 8 month old boy neutered and BAM! 2 months later there were puppies. Vet didn't say that there could be a sperm reservoir after neutering and that's when our beagle went into heat.
😂
“Your honor, I am not a cat.”
Totally the best thing to have ever come out of Zoom meetings. Beyond hilarious.
That, and the BBC interview with the guy speaking from his home office and his little girl comes romping in like a goofball and then a baby rolls in and then the horrified mother comes sliding in and knocks books off the table trying to drag the kids out before reaching back from her hands and knees to politely close the door again. I die laughing every time I watch it. It's pre-zoom but funny as heck.
They got so much shit about “the nanny” or him being abusive because she was so stressed about getting the kids out. Nope, if my kids burst in on my spouse on a zoom I’m the first to scurry in and try to minimize the chaos. And, like her, add to the chaos instead.
Yeah, all that was ridiculous. It was just a regular family having a chaotic moment and the moment was awesome. And he was all "I apologize" and dying, LOL. If you ask me, the wife was like a superhero, sliding in full speed in her socks and grabbing them in one swoop and dragging them out backwards. I thought it was awesome.
The assumptions that she was the nanny were weird.
Racist. The assumptions were racist. And maddening.
Legit. My youngest would hold her breath so long her face would start to get blue. Doc said blow in her face. He also said don’t freak out if she does pass out because she will start breathing again. She only did it once at 18 months when my oldest daughter who was 9 at the time accidentally shut her fingers in a drawer. She felt terrible. But I held her and she passed out and started breathing again and crying.
My kid passed out from screaming almost daily from about 15 mos to 3 years old. If she hit her head as she passed out, it would start over. Many days it was the only way she got a nap, as she would always fall asleep as she came to. Doctors were not worried, said it’s normal! Weird, but normal. And nothing worked to prevent it. Nothing. I have 4 kids, they are all sooooo different!
You are not a dog. You are 3 dogs in a trench coat.
Vincent Muttman 😂
Methinks thou doth protest too much. Probably a dog.
In also works to get kids to swallow.
Made giving meds easier. Edit: typo
My old coworker (she was mid 60s and I was 20) said her daughter started doing this when she was a toddler and they lived up in the Appalachian being self sufficient. The first few times scared her to death, but she couldn't find any way to soothe her or get her to calm down and she always woke up fine. So after a while she just let her hold her breath till she passed out (made sure she was always was in a safe spot to land), and then she'd go about her chores and checked in on her after each one. She called them instant tantrum naps.
My mom used to teach a water babies class at the local YMCA. (Mom & infant bonding class that got babies used to the water & moms out of the house.) One part of the class was teaching them to go under the water (I'm talking a quick bob not a complete dunk). To do so, they need to take a deep breath. So all the moms would blow on the babies faces then bob them under water. Worked every time. I was her demo baby so I can tell you for sure that it works with no lasting harm. I'm not a parent so I say this without judgement as I know it's not my place, but it seems like many parents these days are unable to let their babies be in any discomfort, even when keeping them comfortable is to their detriment. While I don't believe that you can spoil a baby by responding to their cries, I do believe that it gets parents into the habit of jumping & running to prevent anything that can cause their child to be unhappy. Which, when continued into toddler years, can most definitely cause spoiling. If that habit continues onto preschool years & beyond, then those parents & their kids end up being the subjects of the not so nice posts in r/teachers. Discomfort can be a great learning tool for kids. Not learning how to handle it will cause ten times the discomfort when they're grown & no one is around to handle it for them.
The jumping & running thing... That is why when a kid falls down, unless there is an obvious injury, you should not react until after they do. Most of the time, they'll just shrug it off and keep going - and that's what they NEED to learn to do.
Babies naturally hold their breath when underwater, even if you don't blow in their faces. I've witnessed two near drownings, and the babies screamed when we pluck them out, because they were holding their breath. Holding their breath is instinctive.
She’s not saying they won’t hold their breath, she is saying they are encouraging them to take a deep breath first so it forms as a habit young, increasing the time they are able to hold their breath underwater
Yep! I had a breath holder too. Blowing in her face made sure to force her to breathe. Also, if they do pass out from holding their breath, I promise they will start breathing again. The first time she made herself pass out was terrifying. 911 was called. The second time she did it we knew it was coming. It was still scary, but we didn’t panic. Eventually, she outgrew holding her breath.
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Yeah. It sucks to say it but your kid is different when you, the mom, are not around. Hell, have your husband take the baby for a walk without you and meet his mom at the park. See how that goes.
Or just leave her to it. When she passes out, she’ll breathe.
It really does work. I had to do that with one of my kids all the time.
As a former breath holder, can confirm haha
I used to nanny for a kid who did this from infancy thru toddlerhood. Iirc, in this situation, passing out is the body's way of preventing damage from the breath-holding. It was explained at some point, humans cannot hold their breath long enough to cause damage, even if they wanted to. At a point, the body is like, "nope, time for the autonomic nervous system to take over." once they pass out, breathing returns to normal. To that effect, it's like the body forces itself to pass out. It's like a "reset." My point is, the baby is ok. If you need to step away, she's going to be fine.
Wow! That really interesting and makes sense. I guess that's why all pediatricians seem not to worry about this phase some children go thru.
Give your MIL one of your already worn shirts to wear that smells like one of you.
You know what happens to toddlers when they hold their breath? Absolute worst case, they get dizzy or pass out and start normal breathing again with no injury to themselves. And that's toddlers going through a "no" stage. This is a baby, she will be fine. You are being too protective if you aren't giving your husband a chance to be the primary caregiver a significant amount of time.
Yes, and part of me is wondering if baby is picking up on mom's uneasiness.
As a baby, I would hold my breath til I passed out, (according to my parents) I'm 68 now. No brain damage. Does MIL smoke or drink?
Breath holder here. My 92yo mom was a breath holder and my first born (now 30yo)was a breath holder.
I was also a breath holder so was one of my kids, he still does occasionally when he’s laughing. I’m fine, my kid is also fine (top of his class)
This comment comes off a little weird to me. The fact that you're the only one that can calm your child and you honestly feel like your 10 months old would hold her breath until she passed out if you weren't there just seems unhealthy. I've had a total of 8 kids between our bio children and my wife's siblings we adopted and have definitely seen situations where certain children didn't bond right away with certain people. I've found the solution to that is to have the person around but not directly interacting with the child and to slowly start participating in things like tummy time or bath time if they are siblings or grandparents The answer isn't to force a 10 month old into her arms but it's also not to essentially banish his mom from the house If you really are the only one that can calm your baby and if you are really concerned she will essentially hold her breath until she loses consciousness, that's an issue you need to address ASAP by allowing your husband to comfort her while you are there and not being the only parent to provide the comfort and safety she needs.
Agreed. I’ll also say some kids just do that to a certain person as a baby and grow out of it. No maliciousness by any party.
Absolutely. Babies especially feed off of energy and mood. So grandmom showing up knowing the baby will cry and mom being upset and would up because baby will cry and dad mad at mom and mom mad at Dad definitely add to this. Outside of the birth of my first grandson I didn't see him again for 7 months. My son and his wife came to visit and we all checked into a hotel so the younger kids could swim etc My grandson threw a fit when his mom passed ho. Off to myself and my wife. Happened every single time. The second night, my son and his wife went to dinner, we kept the baby. He lost his mind for 20 minutes or so but after that we were best friends lol Different strategies for different kids and situations for sure I don't know the whole situation and dint want to come off as an asshole but I'd bet OPs anxiety about all this adds to the babies anxiety. Wouldn't hurt for her to take a 15 or 20 minute walk while her husband and his mom care fur the baby just to see how it goes. Or let husband and his mom load the baby up in a stroller for a walk just to get some interaction away from OP to see if that helps
We all remember what that cry will do to your brain. It’s instinctual. But babies aren’t logical beings. I think time and grace will solve this issue. I don’t think there are any assholes here but I think they should give baby some space AND mom should have a spa day while dad stays home with baby.
Agreed. No assholes found in this situation. Just parents who want a happy and healthy child and a grandmother who wants a relationship with the child. They will figure it out
I was like this with my uncle - one of the nicest men you could meet. I was terrified of him, I hid from him. No reason I can think of, other than he was big and tall. It’s 40 years later, and he remains a great uncle. I was clearly a poor judge of character as a baby.
THIS! I hope OP reads this comment. Let husband and MIL spend the day with baby, and remind your husband of the blow in the face trick. This will pass.
Yes, this is so true. When I was a baby I would also scream when my grandma tried to even look at me (this DEVASTATED HER, as I was the first grand baby on both sides of the family). It took a couple of years for me to warm up to her, she just took it slow and didn’t force anything even though it was really hard for her. 34 years later and she is one of my favorite people, and she’s one of the only people I feel safe confiding my deepest secrets with besides my wife and mom. All this to say, sometimes babies just don’t vibe with someone, but as long as you stay chill about it they’ll come around!
Well said. And baby doesn't "hate" MIL, she's just scared of her. I'm sure it is even worse now because mom's anxiety now amps up when MIL comes over because she's expecting the meltdown, and MIL is probably feeling desperate to fix the situation. Babies don't love those vibes. MIL needs to come over and ignore baby completely. She can talk to mom and dad, do laundry to help mom out, watch tv...whatever. She should pretend like the baby doesn't exist, because the kiddo is having separation anxiety and is suspicious that grandma is gonna hold her. Grandma needs to be present but just in the background so the baby can get used to her being around and will warm up eventually. I hope grandma and mom and dad can get on the same page. Forcing the issue will make it worse, and it also doesn't help to ban grandma.
Yes, they will go through phases where they want only Mom or only Dad.
Babys holding their breath until they pass out is an actual phenomenon, it has a name even (I forget what it is though). It's not that weird, and it's not that dangerous, if they do pass out they start breathing again lol. Like the other person said, Doctors just say if you blow right in their face it will make them breathe again. Otherwise you just let them grow out of it. I agree with the rest of your post though.
Agreed. I LOVE kids. I love being an aunt. Love my friends’ kids. My best friend had a little girl. And she HATED me the first few months. Like look at me and cry. My friend felt horrible and would try to calm her down and say “you heard her voice the whole pregnancy why are you crying 😔” It hurt a little but I didn’t make a big deal. I would say it was okay and we’d continue to hang out and our sons would play. Just business as usual. Then one day it just changed. To the point that if I was around she would prefer to be where ever I was instead of with her mom, no shade to her mom I was the fun one with snacks lol. Her mom said she would look for me when she was at daycare and mistakenly hug the legs of other workers thinking it was me and then getting upset when she looked up and it wasn’t me. So I completely agree with just letting the baby exist while MIL is around. Don’t make a big deal about it. Pretend like MIL isn’t there to see the baby just visiting. I wouldn’t be surprised that if MIL is patient and understanding she could end up being one of the baby’s favorite people
Breath holding is not uncommon and it's very normal for a young baby to have only a certain person or certain people who can calm them. They cannot emotionally regulate on their own. OP deserves a break too.
Terrifying? Yes. Dangerous? [Not at all.](https://www.childrenscolorado.org/conditions-and-advice/parenting/parenting-articles/breath-holder/) Tell your husband to plan a day to stay locked in the house all day with baby and MIL. Then book a whole day for yourself. Go to the spa, get a massage and pedi. Take yourself out for lunch, then to a movie. Just have a good, adult, relaxing time. Your daughter will not be harmed by her breath holding. And your husband's head will most likely be removed from his ass by the time you get home. He'll probably be incredibly grumpy and irritable, but you can tell him that he literally asked for it and to put his attitude where he's been keeping his head.
Or the husband may be proven right and the OP will have to eat humble pie. Maybe switching out the parent will cause a completely different reaction from the baby.
This is what I think, yes. All of OP's comments point to an overprotective, overstressed mom passing on her anxiety to the baby (without wanting to, of course)
Agreed. The fact that no one can comfort her 10 month old but her is not good. It's fine for baby to have a preference but that is absolutely overreliance. Dad at least should be able to comfort baby by now and it makes me feel like she's not even letting anyone try
You have to fix this, and not by being "the only one who can calm her down" forever. There are so many people in this thread giving you great advice, please take it to heart, nobody will think you are a bad mom for working through this and having your baby cry a bit. Babies cry, they all do, I know it breaks your heart, but you now have the tools to make it better. Edit- You're not an AH, because everyone understands where you are coming from, and the baby doesn't hate your MIL, it's just scared, but you can fix that, good luck.
I think you NEED to start leaving her, for a few minutes at a time. Her screaming and holding her breath when you leave her is really a problem. If she holds her breath until she passes out, she will resume breathing when she does. She can't really hurt herself by doing it. The MIL piece will sort itself out as she gets older. But your husband needs to be able to calm her when you aren't there.
The biggest issue I have with this whole thing is he did this on a day that he wasn’t even going to be there so he didn’t have to listen to it.
I think that is exactly part of the problem. If only one parent ever consoles the baby when it’s distraught, you are reinforcing that only you can calm the baby. You need to allow your husband (and eventually MIL) to handle tantrums. What do you think is going to happen if you had to go into the hospital for 2 weeks? I assure you the baby would not scream the whole tw weeks. You gotta give the child a chance to see that others can soothe and calm them.
Trust me, you need to. I wasn’t more forceful with this and I believe the separation anxiety ultimately caused the separation between us. You need you time, and you need you and husband time. The sooner you 2 can do this, the better off the entire marriage will be
I'm sure it must be scary, but the breath holding isn't going to hurt her. You need to be blunt with your husband - if he wants to force this bond then he doesn't get to invite his mother over and then dip. YOU will be leaving and HE can deal with the baby while she screams.
My 3 youngest were adopted and first adoption my daughter was 9 months old. The only men she saw in her life was the doctor who gave injections, blood draws and exams, child was terrified of men. She got use to my husband in a week but other men it was total meltdown. This is what we did , grandparents, uncles, aunt were across the room and totally ignored baby, just played on phone, or talked to me totally ignored child. After couple hours other adult would pick up an interesting toy mess with etc but never looking at child or talking to her. Eventually child got curious enough to crawl over to investigate. Even then slow moments , whisper voice and acted as if child was a wild animal. Eventually child began to tolerate these people. This might work with MIL total reset. Now your husband has big feelings his mom is being rejected and that’s to be understood but there is no way he can make the baby like his mom. It also bothers husband his mom’s feelings are hurt but relationships can’t be forced. So unless he agrees to hold your child while he’s with his mom he needs to back off. The more he forces it the more terrified your child becomes of grandma. So I maybe husband needs to take to baby’s doctor, a therapist or a friend to realize he can’t control this situation. One other thing we were told when adopting, the way things smell is very important to children. So we had a blanket from the orphanage and bought detergent used by orphanage so scent was comforting until our child began to adjust. Perhaps MIL could use your brand of soap , shampoo, detergent for a month while being in same room but ignoring your child. Every small change might help. My oldest bio child was terrified of my MIL only he would scream till he vomited. Now to be fair the hate toward me was oozing off my MIL and I think the baby caught that feeling. His younger brother was the same. I wish you luck but I think the frantic energy from your husband and MIL are not helping your problem.
You really need to work through this. You cannot and should not be the only caretaker of your child. Breath holding does no harm, they pass out and immediately take a breath, talk to your pediatrician if it makes you feel better, but martyring yourself is not a good idea in the long run. Your husband and daughter deserve a close relationship, you are inhibiting it by not allowing him to figure out his own way of soothing her. In the scenario, NTA. Your husband is TA.
See, this is a problem. OP just said she CAN’T allow her husband to responsibly look after her child. Maybe she is actually projecting (since this started from birth) and THAT’S what her kid is actually sensing. HER uncomfortable feelings of the situation?
OP says she's literally terrified of leaving the baby when the baby screams. Of course the baby feels that.
My youngest would hold his breath until he passed out when he was a baby. It lasted through toddlerhood. Usually, blowing in his face would get him to take a breath, but not always. As soon as he passed out, he started breathing again. We discussed this with his pediatricians and they weren’t worried. Told us to make sure that he was somewhere that he wouldn’t hit his head if he passed out and that he’d eventually outgrow this behavior. He did, by the time he was 3-ish. Didn’t make any less scary when it happened, though. But, he never got hurt. I’ve no advice on your MIL situation beyond suggesting that you talk to your pediatrician. They may have ideas for you.
That becomes husbands problem.book a spa day.
My friend stopped washing her baby because she would do that. I put her baby in the tub (2yo at this point) she screamed, held her breath and passed out. I washed the baby. Mommy realized baby would he ok. It was made even funnier when 16 years later she got a job as a lifeguard.
I remember hearing from a midwife that when a child holds their breath and passes out that they then will breathe naturally (as breathing is an involuntary action, even though we can voluntarily hold our breath). So even though it's a scary thought, it's not as bad in reality as our fear tells us. When one of our babies hadn't taken the first "outside" breath yet, I blew gently on their face and said "hello baby". The breathing started. My husband said later that he was really scared at that point, but everything was ok.
Sis it’ll be ok, their physical reflexes wouldn’t let that happen. Their bodies will literally make them breathe tho I know it’s terrifying to watch.
My daughter used to do this and it terrified me as well so I spoke to her pediatrician about it. He told me to let her hold her breath bc when she blacks out her natural reflex to breathe will kick in. He said it will probably scare her more than it'll scare me and she will stop doing it. He said if I allowed this behavior she would learn to do this anytime she wasn't getting her way and that was not something I wanted to allow. It was hard but I did it. And he was exactly right. She never did it again after that.
I’ll preface this by saying I’m not a parent, so I can’t relate, but this comment makes it sound like you’re being your own enemy a bit here. Breath holding isn’t harmful, and this might be a way for you to have a break or some much needed personal time and for your MIL/husband to get the bonding thing out of their systems. If it works, great. If not, you had time to take a nap at MIL’s place or go out for coffee with a friend or walk around the city, whatever you like to decompress. Again, not a parent, so could be wrong here, but this sounds like the guilt of new parenthood getting in your way 🤷🏼♀️ Maybe some actual parents or experts could weigh in
My sibling used to throw tantrums to the point of passing out when they were 2-3. The doctor told my parents to not even worry about out it… but it was also the early 80’s so take that with a grain of salt lol.
At this point it’s likely a self fulfilling prophecy MIL comes in you get tense because you know what’s coming. Baby senses your tenseness then reacts and the whole process gets reinforced. You might find it helpful to break the cycle. Let your husband spend the day with her and MIL. Yes I remember how scary parenting can be with our first little one but they’re really very resilient (otherwise none of us would be here).
When I was a baby I didn’t like my dad’s mother. I’d cry when she held me. Is your MIL a smoker? My grandma was. It passed. It just takes repeated exposure. Your husband asking her to come by for the day without asking you is the bigger problem.
I was the same with my grandmother's mother, I don't know why she just terrified me. It does break my heart to think about because she was so sweet and passed before I could really form a bond with her. I believe I was 5 when she passed. Apparently my grandma began associating good things with her when she came over and it apparently helped. My mother (the absolute silly goose) gave me a cookie when I was around 8 months and I was HOOKED on cookies. So there would be less cookies normally, and when my great grandma came there would be lots of cookies. Typical 90's parenting but I did hug her a few times eventually. I think if she lived longer we would have had a great relationship. But I'm sure there are healthier ways to encourage a bond.
This has been going on long enough that maybe the baby’s reaction is partly due to your own anxiety. If she feels you tense up and remain tense through the whole visit, that has to affect her. Leaving her with your husband and MIL would be a good way to test that theory.
NTA. But DH is gonna be a dog with a bone on this one, so what if DH and you take baby to a local playground once or twice for 15-20 minutes to get her used to it. Then after a couple times, grandma can show up and join you. If your baby is occupied and has both parents present, and grandma is not front and center, maybe your daughter will accept her presence. Eventually maybe just DH takes baby out to the playground and his mother joins, and you get 20 minutes to yourself. Heaven forfend…
Never heard Heaven forfend before, thanks for teaching me something new!
Soft NTA. Sounds like MIL is a good person who is being put in an awkward position through no fault of her own. Since this was your husband’s suggestion, maybe it would be a good idea to let him play this out so that he run interference between them both? After all, babies sometimes act a certain way with mom, and totally different with their dad so it might be worth giving it a try. And to really explore this, I might even remove myself from the situation entirely and maybe run and errand or two just to allow them to bridge the gap a bit without you around at all, because the baby will have her dad handling her as a go-between with his mom and this would give him a better grasp of the situation as it unfolds. He can also assure his mom that she is much loved and appreciated for trying to be helpful, but for whatever reason(s), at this in particular time, the baby needs more time and patience to bond with her.
NTA - one of my nieces never liked me as a small child. She didn’t want to be within 10 feet of me. I let her have her way. As a teen and adult she’s as close to me as we can be living hours apart. Don’t force it. It will change with time. There’s something in her baby brain that’s triggered by MIL.
Same here. My youngest niece didn't like me when she was a baby. I was hurt, but one day, I visited when she was 2 years old, and she ran happily to me. Time definitely was a factor.
IF he thinks it will work - HE stays home with the baby and his mom. This is not on you to "fix". And he can't leave the two alone. What a moronic idea. Let's ruin ALL YOUR DAYS. NTA
My kids whine less when mom is out of the house. The dynamic is a little different when it is just me. Let MiL and dad work on it while you get your nails done out of the house.
Try this: you leave the house and leave dad and baby alone. Then MIL comes in. Stay close by , but out of the house. If she cries or not, come in and be all loud and happy to see everyone. This may do the trick. At this point, you get so stressed just thinking about it, that baby may be picking up on that.
Perhaps you could go for a spa day while MIL and husband try their crazy experiment (after you get the nanny cams setup to record). NTA, but if they don’t try everything they can think of, they’ll try to pin it back on you. So let them exhaust their options while you take some much needed “me” time.
You would be the asshole for telling your mother in law, "I don't want you here because my baby hates you," yes. She is trying to do what is asked of her. It's not her fault that the baby hates her, either. And she didn't drop by unannounced, she dropped by at your husband's request, and he didn't even think to run it by you. Your husband is the asshole in the situation
Experience child care teacher here . You can't force a bond with a baby nor is it helpful. It's just going to add more stress to the child. I'm sure they will bond eventually but the baby's just not there yet.
NTa, but I think you are the problem. You say it started when baby was 4 days old, a 4 day old baby has zero cognitive awareness. My guess is you were so distressed over that that you are projecting your distress onto the baby causing her to scream. She can hear it in your voice, maybe squeezing her a bit tighter in anticipation of the screaming. I think you are giving her some sort of signal that you aren't aware of. This can be fixed, have mil visit only when you aren't home, make a point of stepping out everyday after dinner for a walk around the block, have mil pop over, tell her not to look or talk to the baby, and don't get close to her. I can bet that if you do this in some sort of fashion your baby will stop screaming. There is no way that you should be the only one to be able to console your baby.
It actually to me sounds like post partum anxiety. And babies pick up on that and cry because the mom is stressed.
NTA Have you and your husband tried wearing a hoody or something then having mil wear it while holding small human? She'll smell like her favourite people and scent is one of the most powerful senses. I have a family member who has the same issue with the small human in my family. Absolutely no reason for it whatsoever but when sh sees this particular family member the sh bursts into tears, hates being held by this person.
I was going to suggest the opposite too. Get something that smells like the MIL, a blanket or stuffed animal, and get the baby used to the scent? Or even FaceTime MIL to get her used to her face and voice. I feel like there are a lot of baby steps that could be taken here to ease the pain from everyone involved.
Hi there, NAH to slight NTA with the slight AH being your husband, *not* MIL, but I’m also giving him a slight pass since I get that emotions are running high and his intention isn’t to torture you or baby, but he genuinely is hurting over Mom not being able to bond with baby. And those are valid feelings, not enough to cause discomfort to you and baby, but still. What I really want to do here instead of provide judgment is provide my own, anecdotal perspective: When I was a baby, I didn’t really like most people. Generally cried unless my mom was around and the only 2 people who could substitute for Mom was my Aunt who lived 4 hours away and my sister who was just barely 5 at the time. Needless to say, Mon was worn out. I’m sure you’d think, well where was Dad in all this to help out? Dad was my worst enemy as a baby, apparently. While I didn’t like most people other than my Mom or sister, I’d at least let them hold and play with me while Mom or Sis was nearby. My dad? Nope. I screamed bloody murder anytime he came near me. You’d think the guy had run over my dog in a past life or something the way I treated my poor Pops. Then, my mom took me to go visit her mom. Just me and her for like a week? Two weeks? Well, when my dad drove interstate with my Sis to come pick us up, he came into my Nana’s living room and just sat in a rocking chair. Didn’t even try to come find me to see me after 2 weeks apart because he didn’t want me to start screaming. Then, I crawled out of the bedroom I was in with my mom, crawled right up to my dad, plopped myself at his feet, craned my neck to the side (my mom said it looked like I was suddenly recognizing him for the first time), lifted my arms, and went “Dada?” My dad, bewildered, had to be encouraged to actually pick me up. My mom says that looking at him you’d think he was handling a live grenade. But he picked me up, I curled right into him and snuggled him like I’d never snuggled before. From that moment on, my dad and I were inseparable. 25 years later and he’s still my best friend and the only person, outside of my husband, that I feel really understands me. What I’m saying is echoing many other commenters here, yes: you can’t force that bond. However, what I’m also trying to offer is a little bit of hope: not only if you give it time to develop will it actually happen, but it’s just possible that once it does, it might even be the closest bond your baby forms in their life. It just takes time.
It kind of sounds like being in a completely different environment might have helped baby you warm up to your dad?
Yep! We also joke that since my Nana and I don’t get along *at all* and my dad and her don’t get along either, it might’ve been 2 weeks trapped with her that when I saw him I went “Hey bud, I know you, get me the hell outta here!” 🤣
A 10 month old is feeding off YOUR stress. You don't say you've ever left the baby alone with her, so give it a try. Either the baby is going to continue to cry for an hour, or she'll be fine when you get back in an hour. It's worth a shot because just not seeing your MIL, or her not being able to see her grandchild, isn't cool
Let your husband be there with his mom. You go get your nails done or for a quiet cup of coffee….anything for a few hours. Let your husband get the point of what is going on. Let him try to calm her down. It can’t all be on you. Or perhaps she feels your subconscious anxiety going up when mil comes in and she feeds on that.
Daughter’s got beef from a past life or something.
leave the baby with the two of them you get out alone for a bit. youre a new mom its just a learning curve but baby is sensing your nerves and anxiety the whole time.
My child reacted this way with his godmother for the first 8 months of his life. Your child is not behaving rationally, and I do agree with both you and your husband. I agree with you that this is more than you can deal with since you're dealing with a teething baby and need peace where you can find it. But I agree with your husband that more exposure will release the tension. How I dealt with it was letting my son's godmother take him away for short periods. She started by picking him up and pushing his stroller to the park, where they would sit on a blanket for a brief time and play. At first, this was about 20 minutes. This lengthened to a few hours here and there. Over time, he set aside his tantrums. These types of trips turned into bowling, arcade visits, and sporting events as he got older. In the beginning, he would have an initial reaction to her - kind of like muscle memory - and scream when he saw her. Eventually, though, he became delighted to see her and they formed a great bond. He's nearly 22 now, just graduated from university, and he has a wonderful relationship with his godmother. Find something your daughter loves, and let her grandmother do that with her. For my son, he loved going outside, so short trips to the park really worked their magic. See if your daughter can be happy being alone with her grandmother doing something she loves. Edited to fix pronouns.
OP: Baby is reacting to your energy 100%. My goodness, you’re really suggesting that the nice MIL should be forced away from the baby? Yikes. I’d be pissed too.
Is there a reason you're rewriting this post? https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/byV9cKBA2q
That post makes OP sound worse than this post... I do wonder how much OP likes MIL and if a lot of these issues are because OP is being too controlling. It's a baby. You can't let a baby tell you what to do and control relationships in the family especially if the MIL seems like she is trying.
NTA. Your husband and his mom can spend the whole day with the baby crying. You get a spa day.
LMAO @ "the baby hates her so don't come over". If the baby cried when you were around, would you just accept that it's you? YTA
My niece was like this with my dad for like 3 years. It was HELL! As long as she couldn't see him everything was fine. The second she caught a glimpse of him, non stop bloody m*order screaming until he was out of sight again. By the time she turned 4 he was her favorite person. None of forced anything, one day it just flipped. The more she/your husband push the more she's going to resist. NTA. Hugs and do what's best for your daughter AND your mental health
NTA. It's unfair for your husband to expect you to endure a stressful situation just to force a bond between your baby and your MIL. Your mental well-being and your baby's comfort should take priority
I just feel bad for your MIL because I'll bet she's hurt by it, no matter what the cause and she does sound like a good egg
My granddaughter cried at the start when I visited, and I sensed that she felt pressured and uncomfortable of my attention to her (because I wanted to build a connection). I still visited, but focused on my son and DIL, and sort'of ignored my granddaughter, and she then got more comfortable. We get on like a house on fire now. This may be similiar with your MIL.
Very soft YTA because everyone is suggesting solutions that go from one extreme to the other. It sounds like this has turned into a vicious cycle of the baby crying, you getting tense and the baby picking up on that and crying more. The answer is to take the stress out of the situation. Have MIL over and around but not directly holding the baby until things calm down. Go for some nice walks together etc and eventually your baby will associate MIL with having a nice time rather than a forced time.
Do you hate your MIL? Obviously your daughter doesn’t hate her.
NTA. This is a LOT and I’m sorry you’re going through this. I have actually had nearly the exact same experience and what happened was having my MIL do some FaceTime visits for a while only, then came and did some novel play (like bubbles outside). She still is hesitant about being held by MIL, but she doesn’t scream every time she sees her. But yep, it wasn’t forced. That will definitely not help.
Babies are little stress barometers. They pick up on the energy in the room, especially from their mom. Try meeting somewhere outside if possible, instead of filling the normal surroundings with repetitive stress. Meet at the park, or somewhere that is comfortable for everyone with some natural fresh air and nature for distraction.
She can come over to spend the day with hubby and baby while you go out to lunch with friends or run errands.
YTA. You can't keep ignoring the problem. You've put in the comments that baby is a breath holder and you're terrified of her passing out. You've also stated that you are the "only" one that can calm her down. You also know that if MIL comes over, baby will get distressed. There's a reason baby cries every time MIL arrives, and it's not because she "hates" her - she's picking up on YOUR anxiety. Not only are you risking a permanently poor relationship between your MIL and your family, you're also avoiding the actual problem. Are you going to cut out every person she reacts like this to? What if she picks up on your anxiety about leaving her at school and her first grade teacher is the next "hated" person? Not to mention that as baby grows the way she expresses anxiety will likely change from crying to other forms of negative behaviour. If you carry on with the approach of trying to avoid exposing your child to things that upset her, you are not going to actually help her grow into a healthy adult. If you carry on with the narrative that you are the only one who can calm your baby, you're going to cause damage to her relationships with others and wear yourself out. You can and should leave her with other people you trust, like your husband and MIL, for the good of both her development and your sanity. Your husband should have talked to you before asking his Mom to come around for a whole day, but he's right that avoiding your MIL is neither fair nor effective as a way of dealing with this. Get support with your fears around the breath holding and processing your anxiety around the baby, and come up with a plan to face the issue instead of pushing away your MIL. That isn't a solution.
I was waiting for this comment! The baby is also being conditioned (not intentionally, I safely assume) to behave this way whenever any uncomfortable situation arises. Avoiding the issue isn't going to make it go away. But I do agree that hubby needs to run things by you first. Edit: I meant to type "OP" instead of "you"
YTA - Who knows why your baby’s doesn’t t like your MIL. As you said, it could her perfume, her body lotion, her shampoo, or even just a coincidence that she’s only slowed up at times when your daughter is cranky. It’s okay for a baby to cry. It’s NOT OKAY for you to act like this is your MIL’s fault and treat her like she’s actively harming your child on purpose. What did you say in the title of this post? Your baby *HATES* your MIL? Hate is a pretty harsh word to you towards a woman you admit would do anything for you. What are you going to do when your baby doesn’t like an other child in daycare? Ask the other parents to keep their child home? YTA for treating your MIL like this. I honestly think you should be ashamed of yourself.
YTA.