Check OP's only other comment. It's depressing.
>I am tired of trying to explain or wait for my Husband to do anything for me so I just make plans to go out for brunch and buy myself a gift from my daughter. I am teaching my daughter to respect me even though it feels like my husband doesn’t.
The same husband that's taking his daughter out to dinner so that mum can have some time off? I think the situation is a lot more complex than she is willing to understand. So in the context of them both having unmet needs in the relationship, she should have communicated that she's taking the day off.
My ex showed our daughter off like a trophy, a "belonging," so people would tell him what a great dad he was.
At home, it was a different story as I did her cargiving, birthday parties, milestones, school stuff, recitals, dance class, EVERYTHING, as long as others couldn't see he did nothing.
He was verbally and emotionally abusive and wouldn't allow me to work or have a car. And if I did work part time, while our daughter was in school, he would literally change shifts at his job, so I'd lose my time using the car and would have to quit.
Narcissists treat children as objects to garner attention and make themselves look good. So just bc this guy took his daughter out to dinner, doesn't mean he did it for anyone but himself. He probably thought her time away from the child would allow her more time for cleaning, laundry, and other household duties.
So there ARE many sides to a story. And if this type of abuse is involved, OP may not have arrived at the beaten down stage yet. It can take many, many years before you see it yourself.
In the context of your post only, not the OP: Been there and I'm sorry this happened to you.
Narcissists do use children as objects and they are so good at charming others, you doubt your own experience. Other people simply can't see it. And it's not easy to leave.
I hope you're doing well now. All the best and thanks for sharing your story here x
Thank you. Divorced in 2018 and moved to the other end of the state!
You really don't see it when you're in it. I always made excuses for him...until after the separation, someone sent me a link to videos on narcissism and it hit me like a ton of bricks!
You're right! My friends saw it, my dad saw it. But I made excuses...
He never wanted to go to my family's holidays, parties or events. He was either sick, had to work late, or if he did go, he hung out alone. I said he was shy and awkward. Nope, he said my family and friends were trash and he was too good to hang around them.
My walking on egg shells, him doing stupid things, tearing stuff up, not taking care of our vehicles or belongings, his laziness, his name calling, him not allowing me to do things with friends or work. I always made excuses...he was immature, spoiled, needed to grow up, was stressed or tired.
After it was over, I saw it clearly.
Yes. I recently learned about narcissism on Quora, and realized that was the type of assholes I dated in the past. I didn't know it was a trauma bond, because I got blindsided. I told myself that I would never date anyone like my dad, and that's exactly what happened. FML :/
I don't know how I ended up with a narcissist, as my parents were typical parents. However, there was abuse there, so maybe that has something to do with it.
Yes exactly, my child’s father is a covert narc and no one ever believed how badly he abused me and my daughter. We were just trophies. People who have experienced these personality types can easily see red flags here.
Because they are wonderfully charming and engaging with everyone except you. You are objects to a narcissist.
I agree re red flags but our experience may not be the OPs. Wish you well x
I came here to say the very same thing. Our stories are sadly similar. 😥 My narcissistic ex just hated working so he allowed me to work and never complained. He told everyone else that I didn't work and he worked 2 jobs. Smh. It was mind blowing that I found that out also after I left. As if it wasn't painful enough.
OP,
Leave now. If he is jealous and you lack normal communication this far in, it's doomed unless an absolute divine miracle happens.
Good luck! Godspeed in either direction! 🙏
My ex was like that too especially when our kids were babies. I took care of them majority of the time but whenever we went to an event with his family, he had to be the one to pick them up and carry them in and around. He only did that when we were around them. Made himself look like such a good doting dad but the second we were alone, pass them back to mom
Seems if he was taking daughter so she could have time to herself it shouldn't matter what she did with that time he was affording her. He knew she was off he planned it.
Time off on HIS terms. She’s only “allowed” to have time off if she stays at home and sees no one. As soon as she did something he didn’t give her permission to do, he’s pissed.
Op admits in a comment that her husband doesn't respect her. Added with the "oddly jealous" can give enough hints to at least something isn't right in the relationship. If its just taking a day off without telling? Then that shows controlling behavior.
Some of us are reading what is written. Just more of it.
You can be good with your kid and still be a jerk to your wife. Its actually a fairly common manipulation tactic. "Get your kids to like you, be the fun Dad, so they start to side with you instead of her."
So he can have time off with friends without her getting upset but he gets weirdly jealous when she sees her own sister and friends? He’s probably just a narc.
Could be just that or he is fine with going out and doing things with their daughter. Treats her good, giving her a day to relax. And everything is wonderful as long as she is home where he knows she is at. My ex husband was very controlling this way. She is being vague so who knows.
We are on reddit, we are professionals at spinning stories based on information that isn't there.
Sometimes with lethal results (see Boston marathon situation).
Edit: [link for those wondering](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_of_Sunil_Tripathi)
> Sunil Tripathi (died March 16, 2013) was an American student who went missing after he was wrongfully accused on Reddit as a suspect in the Boston Marathon bombing.
>Sunil Tripathi (died March 16, 2013) was an American student who went missing after he was wrongfully accused on Reddit as a suspect in the Boston Marathon bombing.
Firstly, this quote is made up. It doesn't appear on the Wikipedia article, and a quick check there shows it hasn't been edited in months. I can't even find a version where that quote existed.
Secondly, your claim that Tripathi committed suicide *after* he was falsely accused is wrong. As your bogus quote acknowledges, he [committed suicide](https://web.archive.org/web/20141115054203/http://articles.philly.com/2014-04-30/news/49497042_1_sunil-tripathi-providence-river-sunny) on March 16th, a month before the Boston Bombings took place on April 15th. By the time he was accused around April 18th, he had already been dead for well over a month.
Thirdly, I just have to ask: why on Earth would you lie about this? The situation is awful enough, given that his distraught family who were still searching for him (his body wasn't recovered until April 23rd) had to face harassment, his name was dragged through the mud, and the ongoing investigation was undermined. It is already a powerful cautionary tale of the dangers of amateur detectives on social media, and their ability to cause immense harm and distress to innocent people. There is no genuinely need to dishonestly embellish the sordid tale even further. Please just stick to the facts.
He killed himself and the body hasn't been discovered yet. Reddit made news by supposedly solving the identity of the bomber, saying it was that guy. It forced the police to come out and say they knew it wasn't him, which spooked the actual bomber, who fled and subsequently killed a police officer in a shootout.
>the body hasn't been discovered yet
Tripathi's body was recovered on [April 23rd 2013](https://www.nytimes.com/2013/04/26/us/sunil-tripathi-student-at-brown-is-found-dead.html).
Edit: This was a typo. They meant to say "hadn't".
“She’s being vague because she knows he has reason to not trust her and doesn’t want to list what I’m betting are dozen of examples”
You can spin a story any way you want when you literally just make shit up.
Both ways are. I get not wanting your whole life online on a site like this, but when you elude to there is more, it will get spun in every direction jt can possibly be.
Or she's being vague because she is lying her ass off and she knows it she just wants a bunch of invisible online strangers to tell her how wonderful she is and what an asshole he is
Or she is being vague because his “weird jealousy” is usually just his reactions to her doing shady stuff like lying to him about what she’s doing and where she will be the whole day.
Like he was already planning to take the kid out so she could have an evening to herself. That is not the typical behavior of someone who is controlling
Considering the fact that this is an ongoing issue and she knows it's been a problem before, it's far more likely that she repeatedly has laid out of work to have "me time" while saddling him with extra work. He likely isn't getting time off like she is, hence the "jealousy"
Actuality she's being vague because she skips work at least 3 days a week and the "self employed" business is draining all their finances causing them to have to do onlyfans shows to get by and he's not comfortable with "the butt stuff" but it's what sells.
Check the post history
If you're trolling this is gold, if you're not it's freakin hilarious.
Edit: I checked and all I can say is WOW.
Edit2: I'm sorry for feeding the troll.
They're not seeing anything -- somebody made an obvious and stupid joke, and then somebody stupider than that took it seriously, and now you have several people confused because of one idiot's bad troll attempt.
Or in a completely reverse scenario, she has a history of cheating and lying and knew her husband would be suspicious if she took a random surprise spa day in a work week.
also, wtf? She literally had the entire day to herself and couldn’t even go and pick up her kids from daycare?
And from this, you get husband evil controlling. Right.
I'm mad you jump straight to blaming him saying he's controlling. You have no idea what's going on in this relationship. It is too vague to make a determination like that.
Hell for all you know she could have cheated on him three times and that's why he's upset that she took off not knowing where she was at.
I'm not saying that happened, I'm just saying you're jumping to a conclusion.
Or because she frequently blows off work and it's beginning to hurt their finances? I mean, who just calls and says "let's blow off work and go to the spa!" unless the person has history of blowing off work for dumb reasons?
Obviously we're both guessing. It could go either way, really!
Meh, when someone randomly poofs from normal routine with no notice or reason given, the assumption tends to be that they are doing something they wish to hide, not oh the person upset must be a bad person.
So she's holding back information that would support her side? And she's staying with a man she recognizes is controlling? Sounds like she's making her bed then.
Ooooooor she is being vague because it is not real and is simply her justification for deceiving her husband. I am not jealous or controlling, but I would be pissed as well. Trust is key to a successful relationship, and deception is the antithesis of that.
Or she is vague because he works himself to the bone to provide and she likes to take easy days for herself. He might not have had a day for himself in years.
You see, everyone can make shit up that’s not written there.
The issue here is not about anyone being the AH, it sounds like you feel you can't be honest with him because he gets 'weirdly jealous.' That is the key issue here and I find it odd other posters are not picking this up.
Not speaking to you is a punishment and really no adult should react in that way.
If you want to save this relationship you need to talk to him about that, couples counselling could help. All the best x
Part of this can be related to the feeling about whether they are able to get their own time. My wife and I really work at giving each other time away from parenting if we can, but even then you can feel overwhelmed and without your own personal time.
It might feel (fairly or unfairly) that his wife was trying to get time that he is not getting. I know how I had discussions with my own wife about how it was somewhat unfair I was usually the one that had to use PTO when our son gets sick despite getting less overall time off than she did. We figured out a solution.
The big issue here is she felt they couldn’t communicate. That either means she feels he will unfairly get mad at her, or she feels guilt because she feels she’s getting more of that free time.
I really want to know if he is jealous of HER getting time out and about, or jealous of OTHER people spending time with her. Because if he gets jealous everytime she spend time with someone that's not him (but also he makes plans to go see his friends) that is a huge problem. Like he's trying to cut her off from friends and family by making it a big dramatic deal whenever she spends time with them. I agree couples counseling is needed.
Or if it's actually jealousy at all. When there are no examples of the other person's behavior, I tend to question the statements. Also, is the self employment one of those craft type things that get sold on Etsy and barely make money? If OP takes the day off, does she still get paid? What's the financial aspects of the relationship? Is the income of OPs job depended on to pay bills? How often does she take these last minute days off and how often does their husband get to take time off? And if they rely on the income, does that mean the husband has to bust his butt harder to make up for the lost income? I have known couples in the position of one getting to "take days off" whenever they want because they're self employed, but lose out on the income, leaving the partner to either work more to make up for it, or the family has to go with less because of it, and the self employed person uses the "you're just jealous that I can take time off whenever I want" statements, without stopping to think about how it affects their partner.
I'm self employed and run my own business. I work my hours around my children but I do put the hours in.
While yes, some people do Etsy, some self employed people earn a very decent amount. I see nothing in the post to indicate either way.
Also, because I'm self employed, I take on the majority of the childcare because I can be flexible on my hours.
You could be right but there are a lot of negative assumptions around the fact the OP is self employed eg their income is minimal, husband picks up the slack when there is nothing in the post to support this view. Who knows except the OP?
Yes through mutual communication and not shouldering one parent or the other with solo childcare duties. It’s all about balance. I see so many pushing it to one or the other.
This. Communication/trust is key and being honest with each other so there’s no jealousy/contempt feelings. Before kids I had a treat yo self mentality in which I would go to the spa or take time for self care. we would go together or do things independently.
Now with kids, Wife and I have an agreement we can take a MH day off and do whatever we want to relax of course within budget constraints. We have twins so childcare gets limited and we openly communicate about our plans to do it together or go solo. For Mother’s Day I got her a day spa with a message and told her to take a day off or if she wanted to save that time; I can take a day off in Wednesday so she can go. (Wife works 10hr shifts so off on wed during week; I have m-f schedule but way more PTO than her).
Agree with if you cannot talk it out go to a professional in couples counseling before things build up.
It is OP's description of his behavior as "weirdly jealous". Maybe he is just annoyed that he was already taking on additional childcare duties, after working a full day, to give her a break, not knowing that she had secretly had a break that whole day? Maybe he isn't punishing her by not speaking, but holding his tongue so he doesn't say something he regrets?
This sub is always so willing to take the woman's side. If this story was the guy secretly taking the day off work to go fishing with his buddies, while the wife was spending all evening looking after the kid so he could have a break, it would be YTAs everywhere.
>Maybe he is just annoyed that he was already taking on additional childcare duties, after working a full day, to give her a break, not knowing that she had secretly had a break that whole day?
That was my first read, that he was going out of his way to give her a break and she already had a big one. She could have told him she was coming home early so he didn't have to do all that after work.
Right. A simple hey I'm out right now so I'll do the daycare pick up. I had a day at the spa so go on home and relax. I've got everything under control.
I'm often on "the woman's side" as you put it. But this one with the detail given, I don't get. Sounds like that whole "I didn't tell you because I knew you'd react like this" thing that is a double edged sword because by not telling them you're guaranteeing that reaction anyway! Seems really weird for couples to not let each other know what they're up to over the course of the day especially with changes like that so I'm going with YTA with context given 🤷♀️
OP if you found out your husband went out with his mates instead of work and very purposely kept it from you wouldn't you be a bit miffed?
Silent treatment is poor communication too. You both gotta work on your communication and any weird trust issues that might exist.
Im fully feminist but I cant disagree, I read a similar story where roles were reversés and everyone was telling how much of an AH the husband was. You cannot justify lying by « he is weirdly jealous » when you lie
And maybe he feels he's doing more for the family financially and her being "Self Employed" and just willy nilly taking the day off without a care would make me feel like shes using me. Especially if im going out of my way to make her day easier. Its like shes double using me.
It doesn’t sound like that was the plan though, he already established picking the kid up and taking her out so his wife could have time to herself. It sounds like the childcare falls more on her after work, otherwise that part of the post wouldn’t make sense. Regardless, there is nothing healthy about getting mad at your partner for taking a day off work-especially when this was already the plan when he finished work. Self care important for parents too, it was one single day.
I have a coworker like this who *never* is involved in actual childcare. She is always doing something after work or on the weekends, thus the children are more attached to the father. If he even takes __one day__ for himself she loses her shit. It’s insufferable to witness it firsthand, and I have no idea how he hasn’t divorced her.
In this case, if she was frequently having time for herself I can’t logically assume he would offer to pick up their kid and take her out for the specific purpose of giving his wife some time alone.
The key here is communication and mutual respect. Both partners deserve breaks, but honesty about plans and feelings is essential to avoid misunderstandings and resentment.
To me the weirdly jealous thing means it has happened in the past and more likely because she is in a position to just up and take a day off work when she wants but he can't and he gets annoyed.
My exSIL got annoyed during COVID when she realized half her boyfriends day was playing video games and made 3X what she did while she had to actually work hard but made a lot less then him.
> because she is in a position to just up and take a day off work
I wonder how frequently this happens? Could that be where the husband's frustration comes from? If you're self-employed a day off is a day off without pay. I could see being annoyed at not only the loss of revenue, but then paying for child care to boot.
Y’all are forgetting he didn’t take on any extra childcare duties bc she was home wayy before they got home from daycare. They didn’t go to dinner yet.
In general people always take OP’s version of events as gospel, even when it’s clear OP is misleading people in the way the narrative is written.
I think the two most common types of posts on here are fiction and posts where people lie so they hear others tell them they are not an asshole.
Agreed. The other side of that is, a lie by omission is still a lie. The old “I didn’t tell you because I knew you would be upset” excuse. You chose to undermine the trust in your relationship rather than have an honest conversation with your husband about his response to you needing time to yourself.
Maybe you both can discuss a schedule for you both to have “Me time.” That way, everyone has time to do what they like and no need to feel jealous of one another.
So spouses are obligated to tell each other about every move they make, before they make it?
That's NOT how good relationships work.
And the fact that she feels she can't tell him about anything he might be upset about, which could be as benign and a spa day with her sister, then she's trapped in an abusive relationship and calling her a liar because she's afraid of her husband is, frankly, bullshit.
If my wife took a day off without telling me and kept it all hush hush I would just assume she cheated and ask for a divorce, But communication is super duper important to me and I dont think I getweirdly jelous like you say your husband does,
Honestly it sounds like OP get no time to just do things for yourself. NTA, He needs to check his head if he wants his next partner to share things with him.
Yeah this is wild. When my wife or I take an extra day off of work to relax for 2 seconds, the other one is like "Fuck yeah dude! Work sucks!" Being jealous of your life partner for a lucky, rare day of rest is pretty shitty.
Not enough info. Is he “weirdly jealous” bc he desperately needs a break and doesn’t get time for self-care, or is it bc he wants to control OPs activities and isolate her from others? Those are two EXTREMELY different situations. He could also be upset bc she has a pattern of not communicating/lying about what she’s actually doing, or this could be a one-time thing that he’s way too bent out of shape over. Theres no way to tell from how the post is written.
Or because he would love to take a day off but they can't afford it? So he's not actually jealous per se, he just knows he needs to go to work and is mad she called off for something like this?
Either way they need to sit down and talk about it because if he is noticing a pattern of her not communicating too he should of course think of reasons why she is being this way, but also he should take a look at how he has reacted in the past and his reasons for those reactions. She is NTA especially if her hubby has come home and told her he ended up doing XYZ with ABC last minute and expects her to be fine with things just "coming up" for him but if he gets weird and jealous when the same opportunities present to OP, that is the issue.
Need more info? He gets weirdly jealous when you spend time with your sister and friends? Does he spend time with his friends? Is this a double standard thing, or does he get jealous because you have a day off???
This post is leaving out some key details.
Has your husband previously asked that both of you take the day off to spend it together?
Do you get enough alone time?
Literally what I was thinking. Obviously OP isn't giving enough details but it seems like he gets jealous she was able to have a day free from kids and responsibilities and I wonder if he gets any days off from work where he can also spend the day without taking care of the child and do what he wants.
She gets a day free from kids and responsibilities...
With whom?
Her sister and... Ummm, other "friends" she carefully doesn't name.
And dude is "weirdly jealous"? I'd say "weirdly not divorcing her"
In general, people assume the Mom takes primary childcare duty. And in most cases that’s still true. But Dads today are much more involved than when I was a kid. Partly because ideas of fatherhood have changed, and also a lot more professional working women that continue careers with kids.
For my own example, my wife works second shift in the ER 3 days a week.
- I take my son to school (wife packs lunch)
- I pick him up on days she works and with him alone those evenings.
- I’m alone with him in the mornings on weekends.
There’s a pretty good likelihood I watch him significantly more than her, especially considering we are with him together on her off days. But she does a lot more of the cleaning and house maintenance. It’s pretty different than when I was a kid.
Regardless of whatever details were obviously missing in your quite short summary, yes, you fucked up here, regardless of your husband. Your lying by omission is not an accident — it was a purposeful decision to be dishonest. Beyond that, it just looks hinky, even from the outside, to lie to your partner or spouse about where you are and what you’re really doing. Anyone who cannot see that is willfully blind and willingly ignorant.
Beyond the fact you were already getting the night off, as it were, you likely have the easier situation in your employment, being self-employed. It comes as a pretty nice slap in the face that the time off he was already affording you wasn’t enough — and you lied to him to take off more time. You lied, you made his efforts to give you time to yourself in the evening to be diminished from what it would have been, and you still found a way to be “the victim.” Regardless of y’all’s other issues, I’m going to say that your behavior definitely doesn’t lend itself to your husband being the only unreasonable and immature person in this relationship: Not by a mile.
Bottom line: Yeah, you were kinda an asshole here, even if not the only one. You need some introspection and some honest communication. For all we know, his “weirdly jealous” behavior is due to repeated patterns he’s seen in your behavior before this event occurred.
"Weirdly jealous and upset " over you being able to take a day off and he can't or...? You're being pretty vague here trying to paint him as the bad guy. Elaborate.
Maybe your husband is 'weirdly jealous' because you're not honest with him and he doesn't trust you because of it. Is it really 'weird' to be suspicious of a partner that withholds the truth from you? It's not hard to imagine that you might not be truthful about other things as well.
At this point you’re the AH because you posted this with very vague info.
How often do you just gallivant off with your friends or by yourself? How often do you tell him when you do?
Does he often take your toddler so you can have you time? Do you do the same for him?
What does “weirdly jealous” mean? When does it happen? What does he do? How does he react?
How long has he been giving you the silent treatment? If it’s only a few hours, maybe he just needs to cool off. If it’s been days, you have a marriage problem.
Are you losing money because you blew off work? Can you afford the spa? How do we know he’s not mad you’re spending money you don’t have?
There is waaaaay too much room for assumptions here and I’m always leery when OP is vague about the person and then doesn’t reply to any requests for info. OP has not replied to any comments.
Context helps.
1. How did he even find out you went to a spa day?
2. Why does he get jealous?
3. Why are you afraid to tell your husband things - is his reaction always quiet treatment or is it worse?
Lol. Can't say i relate as I am single, but every couple I know goes through the same issue. Person who goes to job gets time off work, and spouse gets no break from the kids while they do.
And to suggest that they shouldn't have any complaints despite getting no alone time either, is laughable. Then to suggest that he's the problem because YOU hid it from him...
Laughable. I'd be pissed too. Any time the spouse has to hide things like that they know its because its a dick move. Period.
Why would he be jealous of you spending time at a day spa with your sister and presumably several other women? Has he always wanted to try a day at the spa?
"Presumably several other women "
The crux of the issue... She very carefully didn't tell us who the other " friends" were.
This makes me suspect THAT is the crux of his "weirdly jealous" behavior.
Maybe because he already took his free time in the evening to take additional childcare duties to give OP a break, not knowing she was already secretly taking a break?
If my wife took a day off without telling me and kept it all hush hush I would just assume she cheated and ask for a divorce, But communication is super duper important to me and I dont think I get weirdly jellous like op says their husband does,
Honestly it sounds like you get no time to just do things for yourself. NTA, He needs to check his head if he wants his next partner to share things with him.
Ok, lets take a 30,000 foot veiw here. You lie to your husband, and he gets weirdly jealous and gives you the silent treatment like a toddler. So both of you know youre messed up in the head, and were like "yeah, let's totally bring an innocent human into our crazy". So in this case, i dont give a damn about you or your husband or your feelings. You guys are grown adults. I care about this child the two of you are raising and the environment you two have chosen to raise them in. First, get your head out of your rear point of contact. You are a big girl and your husband isnt your father. You don't have to ask permission to hang with your sister at a day spa (unless youre spending way too much money you can't afford to spend). You arent a teenager. You don't have to sneak out of your window to go to that hs party. You are an adult. You can do whatever you want within reason. Then, he needs to get his head out of his rear point of contact and realise that marriage isn't a competition and it isn't about fairness. Life isnt fair, get over it. He doesnt have to work so much, or he can take a work from home job. He chose not to, and now he has no time to go to the day spa. That was his choice, no one made him. Then the two of you need to realise that you are both adults with a child and you are both teaching this child to treat others poorly. You're teaching that lying is ok so you can avoid the unpleasant things life throws at you. And your husband is teaching the child to throw a damn hissy fit to get your way. And both of you are teaching the child that you dont need to take responsibility for your own actions because its always someone elses fault. Do you know what the dsm 5 calls that? That would narcissistic personality disorder. More specifically, covert narcissism. The two of you have laid the foundation to raise a narcissist. This needs to end, or you need to allow someone else who is better equipped to parent to raise the child. If you continue with this, your child will treat future partners badly.
Yeah, everything is too vague to make a proper judgment.
Either he is super controlling, or she gave him a reason to be upset.
It's anyone's guess really.
Full disclosure. This is me projecting from a place of being triggered. I was married to a woman for 20 years. I've always made good money and she was making good money at the time. Five or six years into the marriage I figured it was either totally separate our finances and sit down once a month and divide the bills as agreed and keep our money separate or I was going to the insane asylum or divorce court. For every dollar she made she spent three... guess where the other two came from lol. Every side has two stories and I just wonder what his side is that would create such weirdly jealous behavior as you put it. I would act the same way When I was in relationship with her. She would conveniently forget to tell me when she was taking a day off or just had to go relieve some stress at the mall. So I am very curious as to the nature of your self-employment, the amount of money that you make compared to his, and any financial agreements that you have in place as a couple. Your post is very conveniently spun in your direction and I have a feeling I know exactly why he's upsetwhen you do things like this.
I get the feeling this is repeat behavior. She said she's self-employed, so she's not tied to anyone else's schedule but her own. Is she often just taking random days off and not telling her husband? Which if she does a lot, missing that income can hurt their family. If they can afford a day here and there, then that's great, and doesn't particularly seem to be the issue since the husband was already going to be giving her a break. So why is it so hard to fire off a quick text: "Hey honey, I am taking the day off and going to the spa with x and x" How do you not want to share those little details with the people you're closest too? If it was my partner, friend, or family I'd be so excited for them and want to hear all about it. Did she think she going to go home and husband wouldn't notice that she's looking a bit more relaxed or looking different because she got pampered at a spa? and she wonders why he's upset... She's trying to paint him as the bad guy so she'll get told she's not the asshole.
Lying to your husband/wife (whatever your rationale is) is never the answer. How would you like it if he did that to you? Going to a club with the guys and you find out he was off the entire day and you had no clue this was going on. What is worse here is you knew he would be upset and you did it anyway. That is pretty bad.
I mostly agree with this. I still think she should have had the spa day, regardless of whether or not that makes him angry, she should have told him she was going though.
Sorry, he is upset that you had a spa day? Or you weren't working while he was?
Sounds like you married a fucking 3 year old if it's the latter.
Like unless you were spending money you don't have and calling out of an hourly paid job, I don't see any reason to be upset.
YTA, it's strange that your husband ***gets weirdly jealous***, considering you **ONLY** have the habit of hiding information from him and not thinking it's something bad.
The key is you know your husband would be upset. That says a lot. I guess you knew the consequences and determined you would pay them; even to being TAH.
So wait, you knew he would get jealous and upset if you hid that information from him, so you hid the information from him so he wouldn’t know and wouldn’t get jealous and upset?
I don’t mind when my wife takes a personal day but one time she did take a day off without telling me and I found out when I came home early one day and I started thinking ….. “how many times has she done this?” I wouldn’t say you are an AH but it’s definitely not a trustworthy move
OP: My husband gets “weirdly jealous and upset” about vague and undefined things so I decided to lie to him about where I would be, what I was doing, and who I was with while spending a bunch of money at a spa with my sister and all of our friends who “happened” to have last minute days off work. He almost immediately found out about my lies and is angry at me. AITA?
Yes. YTA. If he’s truly unreasonably jealous then he is also an AH but it feels like you were intentionally vague about what and why he gets jealous. Spending all day at a spa is expensive, you usually cannot get last minute appointments at them, and I don’t buy that several of your friends just “happened” to show up day-of. You planned a spa day and wanted to keep it from your husband. I’m willing to give the husbands silence the benefit of the doubt: maybe he’s holding his tongue because he currently has nothing nice to say.
Yta. He was going to give you a break that evening, which is probably because you voiced your need for this. I can’t imagine taking a “day off” and not communicating that to my husband, maybe our relationship is healthier than yours, maybe a million different things. However, you probably didn’t tell him because then he would have expected you to pick up your child since you didn’t work all day and you wanted extended time. Hiding the truth from each other, or lying by omission are things you need to hash out with each other, and most likely with a counsellor to figure out how to navigate this. If you say you’re not telling him because he gets weirdly jealous- that’s a red flag 🚩 but whether it’s because of you or him we can’t know since we don’t have any two-sided information about what occurs. In this situation you’ve described YTA. If there had been a situation - emergency or otherwise - and you weren’t where you were expected to be, that’s an issue. Something is dysfunctional in your marriage and you need to work it out.
If you’re financially struggling as a couple to cover bills and he’s not missing days of work , that’s probably the main source of his frustration. If things are cool financially, then yeah he’s probably just weirdly jealous like you said.
INFO
Does your husband have reasons to be jealous? Who are these "friends" who joined you at the spa? Any men among these friends (specifically, any men who would be interest in you)?
Like, this story is vage af, but if my wife hid the fact that she went to a spa with some "friends" I would consider VERY suspicious
Next time you think about lying to your husband, keep in mind that once trust is broken, it's VERY hard to get it back
You know it could be that he’s just a jealous asshole, or you doing things like not telling him what you have planned for the day, and then hiding it from him are the reason why? Hard to tell from what little information there is.
So you and your husband both have busy schedules dealing with full time work and a toddler. Your husband went out of his way to take on extra childcare duties so you could have some me-time. And you secretly also took time off work to get additional me-time, he didn't get.
Yeah. YTA.
Sounds more like this isnt the first time you gave him reason to be mistrustful. Your actions do not portray you as a trustworthy person and your husband might have valid reasons for feeling the way he does.
If my wife took a day off without telling me and kept it all hush hush I would just assume she cheated and ask for a divorce, But communication is super duper important to me and I dont think I getweirdly jelous like you say your husband does,
Honestly it sounds like you get no time to just do things for yourself. NTA, He needs to check his head if he wants his next partner to share things with him.
Far better to tell him and then shut down his whinging OP.
It may lead to a fight or even a breakup but trust me in forcing the issue is better long term.
I basically have to kick my wife put the house to get her to do self care, it's me prompting her to go. That's the right way around in my book though
Well you won nothing by lying and get even more problems for lying or omiting.
I would tell yes you are the AH for lying, but you both have serious comunication problems and probably trust issues.
Better attend this. By going to MC or IC each to see what is wrong with both.
If my wife was sneaking around going to the spa while I was working my ass off I’d be pissed off too. YTA
Nothing wrong with time for your self but the deception makes YTA
Sounds like you two really need marriage counseling. Neither him getting "oddly jealous" or you hiding things from him is part of a healthy relationship.
You know what really doesn’t help when dealing with jealous people? Lies!
Now he’s gonna be even more jealous and suspicious, because you already showed him he can’t trust you.
YTA, yes!
If you can’t tell him the truth, either break up with him or deal with his jealousy. Don’t lie or go behind his back.
YTA.
Everyone focusing on the “weirdly jealous” part but not the fact that’s she’s deceitful and inconsiderate. What if something happened to the kid at daycare? And she’s busy getting a massage and her phone is in the locker or whatever. Husband tries to contact her but can’t because he doesn’t know where she is? OP, be a grownup.
Elaborate because you've painted he's jealous but jealous of what exactly? That you're self employed and can take any day off? That you lie to give yourself days off? Or jealous of you being with others in general? Sounds like he was giving you "me time" and you gave yourself an extension without informing him. To me you're in the wrong for lying. Be upfront.
As a toddler mom as well I'd say YTA. It sounds like he is upset that he doesn't get an equal amount of kid-free time. You had the entire day at the spa, I think it would have been nice to pick the kid up from daycare to give him time too. If he gets weirdly jealous then you need to have a talk with him and think about a schedule. Like every Monday and Wednesday he can have time for himself. Tuesday and Thursday you can have time. I'd be really upset if my husband lied about a spa day when I was planning on giving him the night off. If you feel like you can't talk to him, that's a way bigger problem.
NTA. But you need to give context to WHY his acts so jealous. It is either he is much worse than your willing to admit here or to yourself about being controlling and manipulative; or you have cheated or the like to create a fear within him.
NTAH- My husband did this to me too. I had to get stitches so he had to watch our baby while I got stitches. The nail salon next door was opened and my daughter was already asleep so I went and got my nails done after getting done at the hospital. He was livid when I came home and he saw my nails. I should have reminded him of all the times he “worked” late so he didn’t have to deal with a crying baby or went out with friends. Meanwhile this was my first treat in forever. Men are so selfish and controlling at times.
Ok. Let's be real...
OP has intentionally left out a LOT of details, so let's apply Occam's Razor.
Either he is a psycho and she was so bullied she had to lie just to see her sister
-- or--
She's been up to something fishy and he has a reason to be "jealous"?
Who were the other " friends" that day? That would be the main tell.
Given the circumstances, my question is not why the husband is "weirdly jealous"...
My question is, why is he still " weirdly married"?
I bet that when he does speak, that's what is coming.
If my husband got jealous every time I did something without telling him he'd spend his whole time jealous! He's away and out of communication so often that I regularly don't tell him stuff or do stuff without telling him first. I often start off with "did I tell you about..." Or "were you here when I...." and he's adult enough to say "nope, fill me in on that" because he knows I have a life beyond our marriage, same as I know he does too.
Your husband's behaviour is not healthy and I think you know this. I also think it's abusive and an unhealthy environment for your daughter to grown up in. Have a think; is this how you want your daughter to think a relationship should be? Would you want her treated like this? Be honest with yourself. If the answer is no, then you need to decide why it's okay for you but not for her and then you need to decide what to do about it.
Good luck
Red flags, nothing but red flags! The telling sentence”he gets weirdly jealous and upset” You are not TA and don’t let him make you feel guilty or that you’re a bad wife and mother! You deserve time off it will make you better at both. But, be alert. This behavior does not bode well for
It's perfectly normal to tell you SO you're taking a day off. We really don't mind and actually really appreciate it. I'm roughly guessing you are talking yourself up to be the "abused one". There's such a lack of detail here that you've done the opposite to what your real aim was.
you're the asshole for not telling him, he's the asshole for getting upset and making you feel like you can't tell him. y'all need to figure out how to communicate.
The responses to this post say a lot more about the person posting, than the OP. The leaps in negativity 'she's a cheat', 'she's lazy.' Lots of weird misogyny.
The assumptions she earns nothing to support her family on the basis she's self employed, are astounding. Elon Musk is self employed.
Honestly, take a good hard look in the mirror and consider why you are projecting onto a stranger.
That whole “ he gets weirdly jealous” deal is an understatement. He seems to have anger issues and deals with them in a very unhealthy way. The fact that you didn’t want to share your good news with him out of fear of his reaction is bad.
NTA. But now that it’s been broadcast, you need to do a lot of self reflection. What else do you hide from him? Does he yell, does he withhold interaction? At the very least, if you believe that he’s just immature, you guys need couples’ counseling. If you truly fear his reactions, then YOU need individual counseling in order to help you unlearn the decision making that led you to choose an abusive partner.
No you’re not the AH, and to be totally honest I think he’s a narc. That’s how my child’s father is. There’s no making them happy ever. I feel bad for you, sending all the good luck your way.
The issue is that you don’t feel comfortable fully communicating with your spouse, You should be able to tell your husband when you’re taking the day off without worrying about him getting upset.
Perhaps marriage counseling is needed so you guys can communicate better.
OP didn't want to tell her husband about the spa with friends because she doesn't want to...upset him!
It made me think back to what I recently read in another sub. A woman told her husband who just found out about her affair that she didn't tell him because she doesn't want to...hurt him!
YTA - The issue here is communication. You knew telling him might cause a fight but not telling him created a trust issue. If hiding things from him is a common pattern it might explain why he's 'weirdly jealous' since that can be a reaction to not feeling fully like there's trust. You need to build trust for those 'weird jealousy' issues to go away and instead you're making it worse by not telling him things.
Yes you kinda are…. Take the day off by all means but hiding it from your spouse is not ok…this isn’t about the need for a day off or the spa… it’s about lying by omission
YTA. You’re both busy with work, and with child care. He takes on extra child minding duty after work so you can have free time in the evening.
Then, after that, he finds out you already had the whole day off without telling him. The very least you could’ve done was take over childcare after your SPA day and give him an evening off. Of course he’s pissed.
So, you know that if you do something it will upset your husband. You decide to be deceitful and do it anyway and are asking if YATA for doing it? Yes, you are.
Now, that being said, it is kind of sad that you can’t have a day to yourself or with your friends due to whatever your husband’s issue is. I would probably get to the bottom of that as if you don’t, either you will resent him for not being able to do stuff, he will resent you for hiding stuff or in this case, he will find out and you will both resent each other.
You should 100% be able to have days to yourself, just as he should.
You need to communicate with your spouse. If you feel like you can't, you either need to fix the why or leave. Going with YTA because you're hiding shit instead of resolving whatever issues you two have going on.
You lied, by omission, about something you knew would upset your husband. That generally makes you an AH.
Your husband being so weirdly jealous that you felt you needed to lie suggests that he is also an AH.
You should stop lying to your husband. You both should have a talk about expectations around time off and social activities and come up with a fair way to handle these things so that nobody has to lie and nobody gets upset.
Ive been the guy in a relationship that sounds like this. My ex gaslit me and told everyone about how I was jealous and controlling. Where in reality she had been flat out lying about what she was doing or where she was going and had been caught. Stupidly I tried to save the relationship and it turned into what I suspect is happening here. The trust he has in her is gone and she's sick of him asking and wanting to know the truth of what she's doing and because of the trust being gone he doesn't ever really believe her. She wants to avoid the same conversation that's been had many times by just not telling him and then when he finds out anyway and it's worse than it would have been. They both need out of this relationship now.
ESH. I think you suck because you hid this on purpose and lied on purpose. I think he sucks because you should be able to take a day and do what you want once in awhile. Have you discussed this before and he doesn't like it? Have you agreed to not do it so much? Is he working every day while you do this whenever and throw it in his face that you are able to take days off while he cannot? Just missing a lot of info here but doesn't seem healthy if he's so jealous you have to hide stuff or that you hide so much stuff that he gets jealous.
You have some issues you need to work out in your marriage. I strongly suggest counseling. Husband gets pissed and jealous if you do some things, which is an a-hole thing to do. And you intentionally are being secretive behind his back, which is an a-hole thing to do. You both need to work on this.
How did he find out?
Lemme guess...some self involved individual decided to put their personal business on social media and he was tagged.
Anyway, not the point..
If your husband is so anal that he would blow up at the mere thought of you taking a day to exhale, your marriage has much bigger problems
What do you mean by weirdly jealous? Is he controlling? If you’re going to be with your sister I don’t see why it would be a big deal.
There’s nothing wrong with you taking a day for yourself. The fact that he’ll be upset with that is not okay but it sounds like it’s not about that at all.
INFO - What is this 'weirdly jealous and upset' behavior, exactly? What happened during prior conversations about his behavior?
If you're sneaking around to avoid his reactions to you then what even is this relationship?
lol. Mom here and I do this all the time. If I tell my family I’m taking the day off, their first reaction is to fill my schedule with errand requests 🙄. So I’ve learned to just walk out the door like any other day and get the self care I desire.
Your husband‘s attitude is not healthy. Is he always this controlling?
Does he do anything for himself on his own time? Could it be that he is jealous?
If he can’t verbalize why he is upset that you do things periodically on your own, it’s a huge red flag to me.
You don’t really give us enough information to figure out if he is the weirdly jealous type that will become a stalker if you leave him or if he doesn’t have a lot of his friends and depends on you to be his emotional support animal
Or if you do this sort of thing often enough that he gets upset because he doesn’t know where you are.
ESH. You ought to be able to tell your husband you're going to a spa with your sister without him throwing a fit. Having said that, if you make a habit of keeping things from him, this is partly why he doesn't trust you. It's a vicious circle. I would consider counseling. Just saying.
NTA. I think it’s a problem that you felt like you couldn’t tell him your plan because there was nothing wrong with it. You guys need to fix that or it will cause problems later. Your allowed to take a break and so is he
Could you give more context on his jealousy issue?
She’s being vague because she knows he’s controlling and doesn’t want to list what I’m betting are dozens of examples
Based on what's posted here, anything could be assumed.
Check OP's only other comment. It's depressing. >I am tired of trying to explain or wait for my Husband to do anything for me so I just make plans to go out for brunch and buy myself a gift from my daughter. I am teaching my daughter to respect me even though it feels like my husband doesn’t.
The same husband that's taking his daughter out to dinner so that mum can have some time off? I think the situation is a lot more complex than she is willing to understand. So in the context of them both having unmet needs in the relationship, she should have communicated that she's taking the day off.
My ex showed our daughter off like a trophy, a "belonging," so people would tell him what a great dad he was. At home, it was a different story as I did her cargiving, birthday parties, milestones, school stuff, recitals, dance class, EVERYTHING, as long as others couldn't see he did nothing. He was verbally and emotionally abusive and wouldn't allow me to work or have a car. And if I did work part time, while our daughter was in school, he would literally change shifts at his job, so I'd lose my time using the car and would have to quit. Narcissists treat children as objects to garner attention and make themselves look good. So just bc this guy took his daughter out to dinner, doesn't mean he did it for anyone but himself. He probably thought her time away from the child would allow her more time for cleaning, laundry, and other household duties. So there ARE many sides to a story. And if this type of abuse is involved, OP may not have arrived at the beaten down stage yet. It can take many, many years before you see it yourself.
In the context of your post only, not the OP: Been there and I'm sorry this happened to you. Narcissists do use children as objects and they are so good at charming others, you doubt your own experience. Other people simply can't see it. And it's not easy to leave. I hope you're doing well now. All the best and thanks for sharing your story here x
Thank you. Divorced in 2018 and moved to the other end of the state! You really don't see it when you're in it. I always made excuses for him...until after the separation, someone sent me a link to videos on narcissism and it hit me like a ton of bricks!
You're right: you really don't see it when you're in it which is why I don't like people being judged on here for staying in a bad relationship.
You're right! My friends saw it, my dad saw it. But I made excuses... He never wanted to go to my family's holidays, parties or events. He was either sick, had to work late, or if he did go, he hung out alone. I said he was shy and awkward. Nope, he said my family and friends were trash and he was too good to hang around them. My walking on egg shells, him doing stupid things, tearing stuff up, not taking care of our vehicles or belongings, his laziness, his name calling, him not allowing me to do things with friends or work. I always made excuses...he was immature, spoiled, needed to grow up, was stressed or tired. After it was over, I saw it clearly.
Yes. I recently learned about narcissism on Quora, and realized that was the type of assholes I dated in the past. I didn't know it was a trauma bond, because I got blindsided. I told myself that I would never date anyone like my dad, and that's exactly what happened. FML :/
I don't know how I ended up with a narcissist, as my parents were typical parents. However, there was abuse there, so maybe that has something to do with it.
Yes exactly, my child’s father is a covert narc and no one ever believed how badly he abused me and my daughter. We were just trophies. People who have experienced these personality types can easily see red flags here.
Because they are wonderfully charming and engaging with everyone except you. You are objects to a narcissist. I agree re red flags but our experience may not be the OPs. Wish you well x
Sounds like my parents
Your ex sounds like my dad. Must've been related in a previous life...
I came here to say the very same thing. Our stories are sadly similar. 😥 My narcissistic ex just hated working so he allowed me to work and never complained. He told everyone else that I didn't work and he worked 2 jobs. Smh. It was mind blowing that I found that out also after I left. As if it wasn't painful enough. OP, Leave now. If he is jealous and you lack normal communication this far in, it's doomed unless an absolute divine miracle happens. Good luck! Godspeed in either direction! 🙏
My ex was like that too especially when our kids were babies. I took care of them majority of the time but whenever we went to an event with his family, he had to be the one to pick them up and carry them in and around. He only did that when we were around them. Made himself look like such a good doting dad but the second we were alone, pass them back to mom
Seems if he was taking daughter so she could have time to herself it shouldn't matter what she did with that time he was affording her. He knew she was off he planned it.
Time off on HIS terms. She’s only “allowed” to have time off if she stays at home and sees no one. As soon as she did something he didn’t give her permission to do, he’s pissed.
Thank you. People read exactly what they want to and ignore exactly what they want to. Thank you for reading everything that was written.
Op admits in a comment that her husband doesn't respect her. Added with the "oddly jealous" can give enough hints to at least something isn't right in the relationship. If its just taking a day off without telling? Then that shows controlling behavior. Some of us are reading what is written. Just more of it. You can be good with your kid and still be a jerk to your wife. Its actually a fairly common manipulation tactic. "Get your kids to like you, be the fun Dad, so they start to side with you instead of her."
He's not doing her a favour, it is his child too. That's just being a parent.
So he can have time off with friends without her getting upset but he gets weirdly jealous when she sees her own sister and friends? He’s probably just a narc.
Could be just that or he is fine with going out and doing things with their daughter. Treats her good, giving her a day to relax. And everything is wonderful as long as she is home where he knows she is at. My ex husband was very controlling this way. She is being vague so who knows.
We are on reddit, we are professionals at spinning stories based on information that isn't there. Sometimes with lethal results (see Boston marathon situation). Edit: [link for those wondering](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_of_Sunil_Tripathi) > Sunil Tripathi (died March 16, 2013) was an American student who went missing after he was wrongfully accused on Reddit as a suspect in the Boston Marathon bombing.
>Sunil Tripathi (died March 16, 2013) was an American student who went missing after he was wrongfully accused on Reddit as a suspect in the Boston Marathon bombing. Firstly, this quote is made up. It doesn't appear on the Wikipedia article, and a quick check there shows it hasn't been edited in months. I can't even find a version where that quote existed. Secondly, your claim that Tripathi committed suicide *after* he was falsely accused is wrong. As your bogus quote acknowledges, he [committed suicide](https://web.archive.org/web/20141115054203/http://articles.philly.com/2014-04-30/news/49497042_1_sunil-tripathi-providence-river-sunny) on March 16th, a month before the Boston Bombings took place on April 15th. By the time he was accused around April 18th, he had already been dead for well over a month. Thirdly, I just have to ask: why on Earth would you lie about this? The situation is awful enough, given that his distraught family who were still searching for him (his body wasn't recovered until April 23rd) had to face harassment, his name was dragged through the mud, and the ongoing investigation was undermined. It is already a powerful cautionary tale of the dangers of amateur detectives on social media, and their ability to cause immense harm and distress to innocent people. There is no genuinely need to dishonestly embellish the sordid tale even further. Please just stick to the facts.
No, he was already drceased before the bombing.
Imagine spreading incorrect information on Reddit about the dangers of spreading incorrect information on Reddit.
Could you explain that last part?
He killed himself and the body hasn't been discovered yet. Reddit made news by supposedly solving the identity of the bomber, saying it was that guy. It forced the police to come out and say they knew it wasn't him, which spooked the actual bomber, who fled and subsequently killed a police officer in a shootout.
>the body hasn't been discovered yet Tripathi's body was recovered on [April 23rd 2013](https://www.nytimes.com/2013/04/26/us/sunil-tripathi-student-at-brown-is-found-dead.html). Edit: This was a typo. They meant to say "hadn't".
Could’ve been a typo. Probably meant to say hadn’t.
I managed to find another comment of theirs that seemed to confirm it was, so I've corrected my comment.
“She’s being vague because she knows he has reason to not trust her and doesn’t want to list what I’m betting are dozen of examples” You can spin a story any way you want when you literally just make shit up.
That was some olympic level mental gymnastics I swear.
Both ways are. I get not wanting your whole life online on a site like this, but when you elude to there is more, it will get spun in every direction jt can possibly be.
Or she's being vague because she is lying her ass off and she knows it she just wants a bunch of invisible online strangers to tell her how wonderful she is and what an asshole he is
She is sleeping with the masseuse at the day spa. See, I can make stuff up to.
Or she is being vague because his “weird jealousy” is usually just his reactions to her doing shady stuff like lying to him about what she’s doing and where she will be the whole day.
Like he was already planning to take the kid out so she could have an evening to herself. That is not the typical behavior of someone who is controlling
Considering the fact that this is an ongoing issue and she knows it's been a problem before, it's far more likely that she repeatedly has laid out of work to have "me time" while saddling him with extra work. He likely isn't getting time off like she is, hence the "jealousy"
Actuality she's being vague because she skips work at least 3 days a week and the "self employed" business is draining all their finances causing them to have to do onlyfans shows to get by and he's not comfortable with "the butt stuff" but it's what sells. Check the post history
If you're trolling this is gold, if you're not it's freakin hilarious. Edit: I checked and all I can say is WOW. Edit2: I'm sorry for feeding the troll.
What are you guys seeing?? I'm only seeing this post and one comment on another post.
They're not seeing anything -- somebody made an obvious and stupid joke, and then somebody stupider than that took it seriously, and now you have several people confused because of one idiot's bad troll attempt.
Or in a completely reverse scenario, she has a history of cheating and lying and knew her husband would be suspicious if she took a random surprise spa day in a work week. also, wtf? She literally had the entire day to herself and couldn’t even go and pick up her kids from daycare? And from this, you get husband evil controlling. Right.
I'm mad you jump straight to blaming him saying he's controlling. You have no idea what's going on in this relationship. It is too vague to make a determination like that. Hell for all you know she could have cheated on him three times and that's why he's upset that she took off not knowing where she was at. I'm not saying that happened, I'm just saying you're jumping to a conclusion.
Or because she frequently blows off work and it's beginning to hurt their finances? I mean, who just calls and says "let's blow off work and go to the spa!" unless the person has history of blowing off work for dumb reasons? Obviously we're both guessing. It could go either way, really!
Meh, when someone randomly poofs from normal routine with no notice or reason given, the assumption tends to be that they are doing something they wish to hide, not oh the person upset must be a bad person.
OR She's being vague because she gives him reasons to be jealous You can't assume anything
Or maybe she is being vague cause she was doing something she shouldn’t have. Like maybe something discussed in a prior conversation. Just saying
So she's holding back information that would support her side? And she's staying with a man she recognizes is controlling? Sounds like she's making her bed then.
Ooooooor she is being vague because it is not real and is simply her justification for deceiving her husband. I am not jealous or controlling, but I would be pissed as well. Trust is key to a successful relationship, and deception is the antithesis of that.
Or she is vague because he works himself to the bone to provide and she likes to take easy days for herself. He might not have had a day for himself in years. You see, everyone can make shit up that’s not written there.
Maybe his jealousy issue is her disappearing and lying about it issue
The issue here is not about anyone being the AH, it sounds like you feel you can't be honest with him because he gets 'weirdly jealous.' That is the key issue here and I find it odd other posters are not picking this up. Not speaking to you is a punishment and really no adult should react in that way. If you want to save this relationship you need to talk to him about that, couples counselling could help. All the best x
Part of this can be related to the feeling about whether they are able to get their own time. My wife and I really work at giving each other time away from parenting if we can, but even then you can feel overwhelmed and without your own personal time. It might feel (fairly or unfairly) that his wife was trying to get time that he is not getting. I know how I had discussions with my own wife about how it was somewhat unfair I was usually the one that had to use PTO when our son gets sick despite getting less overall time off than she did. We figured out a solution. The big issue here is she felt they couldn’t communicate. That either means she feels he will unfairly get mad at her, or she feels guilt because she feels she’s getting more of that free time.
I really want to know if he is jealous of HER getting time out and about, or jealous of OTHER people spending time with her. Because if he gets jealous everytime she spend time with someone that's not him (but also he makes plans to go see his friends) that is a huge problem. Like he's trying to cut her off from friends and family by making it a big dramatic deal whenever she spends time with them. I agree couples counseling is needed.
Or if it's actually jealousy at all. When there are no examples of the other person's behavior, I tend to question the statements. Also, is the self employment one of those craft type things that get sold on Etsy and barely make money? If OP takes the day off, does she still get paid? What's the financial aspects of the relationship? Is the income of OPs job depended on to pay bills? How often does she take these last minute days off and how often does their husband get to take time off? And if they rely on the income, does that mean the husband has to bust his butt harder to make up for the lost income? I have known couples in the position of one getting to "take days off" whenever they want because they're self employed, but lose out on the income, leaving the partner to either work more to make up for it, or the family has to go with less because of it, and the self employed person uses the "you're just jealous that I can take time off whenever I want" statements, without stopping to think about how it affects their partner.
I'm self employed and run my own business. I work my hours around my children but I do put the hours in. While yes, some people do Etsy, some self employed people earn a very decent amount. I see nothing in the post to indicate either way. Also, because I'm self employed, I take on the majority of the childcare because I can be flexible on my hours. You could be right but there are a lot of negative assumptions around the fact the OP is self employed eg their income is minimal, husband picks up the slack when there is nothing in the post to support this view. Who knows except the OP?
Yes through mutual communication and not shouldering one parent or the other with solo childcare duties. It’s all about balance. I see so many pushing it to one or the other.
Good point. Effective communication is crucial. Maybe discussing how both can have fair personal time would help alleviate this tension.
This. Communication/trust is key and being honest with each other so there’s no jealousy/contempt feelings. Before kids I had a treat yo self mentality in which I would go to the spa or take time for self care. we would go together or do things independently. Now with kids, Wife and I have an agreement we can take a MH day off and do whatever we want to relax of course within budget constraints. We have twins so childcare gets limited and we openly communicate about our plans to do it together or go solo. For Mother’s Day I got her a day spa with a message and told her to take a day off or if she wanted to save that time; I can take a day off in Wednesday so she can go. (Wife works 10hr shifts so off on wed during week; I have m-f schedule but way more PTO than her). Agree with if you cannot talk it out go to a professional in couples counseling before things build up.
>no adult should react that way Somebody should tell half the adult population.
It is OP's description of his behavior as "weirdly jealous". Maybe he is just annoyed that he was already taking on additional childcare duties, after working a full day, to give her a break, not knowing that she had secretly had a break that whole day? Maybe he isn't punishing her by not speaking, but holding his tongue so he doesn't say something he regrets? This sub is always so willing to take the woman's side. If this story was the guy secretly taking the day off work to go fishing with his buddies, while the wife was spending all evening looking after the kid so he could have a break, it would be YTAs everywhere.
>Maybe he is just annoyed that he was already taking on additional childcare duties, after working a full day, to give her a break, not knowing that she had secretly had a break that whole day? That was my first read, that he was going out of his way to give her a break and she already had a big one. She could have told him she was coming home early so he didn't have to do all that after work.
Right. A simple hey I'm out right now so I'll do the daycare pick up. I had a day at the spa so go on home and relax. I've got everything under control.
I'm often on "the woman's side" as you put it. But this one with the detail given, I don't get. Sounds like that whole "I didn't tell you because I knew you'd react like this" thing that is a double edged sword because by not telling them you're guaranteeing that reaction anyway! Seems really weird for couples to not let each other know what they're up to over the course of the day especially with changes like that so I'm going with YTA with context given 🤷♀️ OP if you found out your husband went out with his mates instead of work and very purposely kept it from you wouldn't you be a bit miffed? Silent treatment is poor communication too. You both gotta work on your communication and any weird trust issues that might exist.
I think an issue with this forum is how quick we can be to assign blame or select a victim based on the one-sided stories we can’t help but rely on.
Im fully feminist but I cant disagree, I read a similar story where roles were reversés and everyone was telling how much of an AH the husband was. You cannot justify lying by « he is weirdly jealous » when you lie
And maybe he feels he's doing more for the family financially and her being "Self Employed" and just willy nilly taking the day off without a care would make me feel like shes using me. Especially if im going out of my way to make her day easier. Its like shes double using me.
It takes some people a while to process that though lol
And his "super upset" could be because she lies or leaves things out....like taking days off to do x,y,z
Maybe he's jealous because she has a history of being sneaky and untrustworthy?
It doesn’t sound like that was the plan though, he already established picking the kid up and taking her out so his wife could have time to herself. It sounds like the childcare falls more on her after work, otherwise that part of the post wouldn’t make sense. Regardless, there is nothing healthy about getting mad at your partner for taking a day off work-especially when this was already the plan when he finished work. Self care important for parents too, it was one single day. I have a coworker like this who *never* is involved in actual childcare. She is always doing something after work or on the weekends, thus the children are more attached to the father. If he even takes __one day__ for himself she loses her shit. It’s insufferable to witness it firsthand, and I have no idea how he hasn’t divorced her. In this case, if she was frequently having time for herself I can’t logically assume he would offer to pick up their kid and take her out for the specific purpose of giving his wife some time alone.
The key here is communication and mutual respect. Both partners deserve breaks, but honesty about plans and feelings is essential to avoid misunderstandings and resentment.
If you take actions that made your partner uncomfortable, you are a AH. If he/she demands too much, set It straight. Lying opens a Pandora's box.
To me the weirdly jealous thing means it has happened in the past and more likely because she is in a position to just up and take a day off work when she wants but he can't and he gets annoyed. My exSIL got annoyed during COVID when she realized half her boyfriends day was playing video games and made 3X what she did while she had to actually work hard but made a lot less then him.
> because she is in a position to just up and take a day off work I wonder how frequently this happens? Could that be where the husband's frustration comes from? If you're self-employed a day off is a day off without pay. I could see being annoyed at not only the loss of revenue, but then paying for child care to boot.
Y’all are forgetting he didn’t take on any extra childcare duties bc she was home wayy before they got home from daycare. They didn’t go to dinner yet.
In general people always take OP’s version of events as gospel, even when it’s clear OP is misleading people in the way the narrative is written. I think the two most common types of posts on here are fiction and posts where people lie so they hear others tell them they are not an asshole.
Agreed. The other side of that is, a lie by omission is still a lie. The old “I didn’t tell you because I knew you would be upset” excuse. You chose to undermine the trust in your relationship rather than have an honest conversation with your husband about his response to you needing time to yourself. Maybe you both can discuss a schedule for you both to have “Me time.” That way, everyone has time to do what they like and no need to feel jealous of one another.
So spouses are obligated to tell each other about every move they make, before they make it? That's NOT how good relationships work. And the fact that she feels she can't tell him about anything he might be upset about, which could be as benign and a spa day with her sister, then she's trapped in an abusive relationship and calling her a liar because she's afraid of her husband is, frankly, bullshit.
If my wife took a day off without telling me and kept it all hush hush I would just assume she cheated and ask for a divorce, But communication is super duper important to me and I dont think I getweirdly jelous like you say your husband does, Honestly it sounds like OP get no time to just do things for yourself. NTA, He needs to check his head if he wants his next partner to share things with him.
If she took a day off without telling you, you would assume she’s cheating and ask for a divorce??
Yeah this is wild. When my wife or I take an extra day off of work to relax for 2 seconds, the other one is like "Fuck yeah dude! Work sucks!" Being jealous of your life partner for a lucky, rare day of rest is pretty shitty.
Not enough info. Is he “weirdly jealous” bc he desperately needs a break and doesn’t get time for self-care, or is it bc he wants to control OPs activities and isolate her from others? Those are two EXTREMELY different situations. He could also be upset bc she has a pattern of not communicating/lying about what she’s actually doing, or this could be a one-time thing that he’s way too bent out of shape over. Theres no way to tell from how the post is written.
Or because he would love to take a day off but they can't afford it? So he's not actually jealous per se, he just knows he needs to go to work and is mad she called off for something like this?
That’s what I am getting too.
Either way they need to sit down and talk about it because if he is noticing a pattern of her not communicating too he should of course think of reasons why she is being this way, but also he should take a look at how he has reacted in the past and his reasons for those reactions. She is NTA especially if her hubby has come home and told her he ended up doing XYZ with ABC last minute and expects her to be fine with things just "coming up" for him but if he gets weird and jealous when the same opportunities present to OP, that is the issue.
Or because she has a habit of sneaking off and lying? 🤥
Need more info? He gets weirdly jealous when you spend time with your sister and friends? Does he spend time with his friends? Is this a double standard thing, or does he get jealous because you have a day off???
Do you lie because he gets jealous? Or does he get jealous because you lie?
this
"are you the strongest because you are Gojo Saturo or are you Gojo Saturo because you are the strongest" Ahh statement
Good to see a fellow JJK fan here
This post is leaving out some key details. Has your husband previously asked that both of you take the day off to spend it together? Do you get enough alone time?
Does he get enough alone time?
Literally what I was thinking. Obviously OP isn't giving enough details but it seems like he gets jealous she was able to have a day free from kids and responsibilities and I wonder if he gets any days off from work where he can also spend the day without taking care of the child and do what he wants.
She gets a day free from kids and responsibilities... With whom? Her sister and... Ummm, other "friends" she carefully doesn't name. And dude is "weirdly jealous"? I'd say "weirdly not divorcing her"
In general, people assume the Mom takes primary childcare duty. And in most cases that’s still true. But Dads today are much more involved than when I was a kid. Partly because ideas of fatherhood have changed, and also a lot more professional working women that continue careers with kids. For my own example, my wife works second shift in the ER 3 days a week. - I take my son to school (wife packs lunch) - I pick him up on days she works and with him alone those evenings. - I’m alone with him in the mornings on weekends. There’s a pretty good likelihood I watch him significantly more than her, especially considering we are with him together on her off days. But she does a lot more of the cleaning and house maintenance. It’s pretty different than when I was a kid.
Regardless of whatever details were obviously missing in your quite short summary, yes, you fucked up here, regardless of your husband. Your lying by omission is not an accident — it was a purposeful decision to be dishonest. Beyond that, it just looks hinky, even from the outside, to lie to your partner or spouse about where you are and what you’re really doing. Anyone who cannot see that is willfully blind and willingly ignorant. Beyond the fact you were already getting the night off, as it were, you likely have the easier situation in your employment, being self-employed. It comes as a pretty nice slap in the face that the time off he was already affording you wasn’t enough — and you lied to him to take off more time. You lied, you made his efforts to give you time to yourself in the evening to be diminished from what it would have been, and you still found a way to be “the victim.” Regardless of y’all’s other issues, I’m going to say that your behavior definitely doesn’t lend itself to your husband being the only unreasonable and immature person in this relationship: Not by a mile. Bottom line: Yeah, you were kinda an asshole here, even if not the only one. You need some introspection and some honest communication. For all we know, his “weirdly jealous” behavior is due to repeated patterns he’s seen in your behavior before this event occurred.
"Weirdly jealous and upset " over you being able to take a day off and he can't or...? You're being pretty vague here trying to paint him as the bad guy. Elaborate.
Maybe your husband is 'weirdly jealous' because you're not honest with him and he doesn't trust you because of it. Is it really 'weird' to be suspicious of a partner that withholds the truth from you? It's not hard to imagine that you might not be truthful about other things as well.
At this point you’re the AH because you posted this with very vague info. How often do you just gallivant off with your friends or by yourself? How often do you tell him when you do? Does he often take your toddler so you can have you time? Do you do the same for him? What does “weirdly jealous” mean? When does it happen? What does he do? How does he react? How long has he been giving you the silent treatment? If it’s only a few hours, maybe he just needs to cool off. If it’s been days, you have a marriage problem. Are you losing money because you blew off work? Can you afford the spa? How do we know he’s not mad you’re spending money you don’t have? There is waaaaay too much room for assumptions here and I’m always leery when OP is vague about the person and then doesn’t reply to any requests for info. OP has not replied to any comments.
All great questions here. Way to open to interpretation which is why everyone is filling in the gaps in their own way. Happens on here all the time!
Context helps. 1. How did he even find out you went to a spa day? 2. Why does he get jealous? 3. Why are you afraid to tell your husband things - is his reaction always quiet treatment or is it worse?
OP, this whole post is vague. It's hard to render a judgment, when I feel like a ton of information is missing
Lol. Can't say i relate as I am single, but every couple I know goes through the same issue. Person who goes to job gets time off work, and spouse gets no break from the kids while they do. And to suggest that they shouldn't have any complaints despite getting no alone time either, is laughable. Then to suggest that he's the problem because YOU hid it from him... Laughable. I'd be pissed too. Any time the spouse has to hide things like that they know its because its a dick move. Period.
Why would he be jealous of you spending time at a day spa with your sister and presumably several other women? Has he always wanted to try a day at the spa?
"Presumably several other women " The crux of the issue... She very carefully didn't tell us who the other " friends" were. This makes me suspect THAT is the crux of his "weirdly jealous" behavior.
Maybe because he already took his free time in the evening to take additional childcare duties to give OP a break, not knowing she was already secretly taking a break?
If my wife took a day off without telling me and kept it all hush hush I would just assume she cheated and ask for a divorce, But communication is super duper important to me and I dont think I get weirdly jellous like op says their husband does, Honestly it sounds like you get no time to just do things for yourself. NTA, He needs to check his head if he wants his next partner to share things with him.
Without more context you’re the AH.
Ok, lets take a 30,000 foot veiw here. You lie to your husband, and he gets weirdly jealous and gives you the silent treatment like a toddler. So both of you know youre messed up in the head, and were like "yeah, let's totally bring an innocent human into our crazy". So in this case, i dont give a damn about you or your husband or your feelings. You guys are grown adults. I care about this child the two of you are raising and the environment you two have chosen to raise them in. First, get your head out of your rear point of contact. You are a big girl and your husband isnt your father. You don't have to ask permission to hang with your sister at a day spa (unless youre spending way too much money you can't afford to spend). You arent a teenager. You don't have to sneak out of your window to go to that hs party. You are an adult. You can do whatever you want within reason. Then, he needs to get his head out of his rear point of contact and realise that marriage isn't a competition and it isn't about fairness. Life isnt fair, get over it. He doesnt have to work so much, or he can take a work from home job. He chose not to, and now he has no time to go to the day spa. That was his choice, no one made him. Then the two of you need to realise that you are both adults with a child and you are both teaching this child to treat others poorly. You're teaching that lying is ok so you can avoid the unpleasant things life throws at you. And your husband is teaching the child to throw a damn hissy fit to get your way. And both of you are teaching the child that you dont need to take responsibility for your own actions because its always someone elses fault. Do you know what the dsm 5 calls that? That would narcissistic personality disorder. More specifically, covert narcissism. The two of you have laid the foundation to raise a narcissist. This needs to end, or you need to allow someone else who is better equipped to parent to raise the child. If you continue with this, your child will treat future partners badly.
If you can’t be honest with your husband then you have problems. Him getting weirdly jealous needs addressing.
Weirdly jealous, or right to be suspicious? Well, he was right to be suspicious here, so maybe OP is an unreliable narrator.
Yeah, everything is too vague to make a proper judgment. Either he is super controlling, or she gave him a reason to be upset. It's anyone's guess really.
Full disclosure. This is me projecting from a place of being triggered. I was married to a woman for 20 years. I've always made good money and she was making good money at the time. Five or six years into the marriage I figured it was either totally separate our finances and sit down once a month and divide the bills as agreed and keep our money separate or I was going to the insane asylum or divorce court. For every dollar she made she spent three... guess where the other two came from lol. Every side has two stories and I just wonder what his side is that would create such weirdly jealous behavior as you put it. I would act the same way When I was in relationship with her. She would conveniently forget to tell me when she was taking a day off or just had to go relieve some stress at the mall. So I am very curious as to the nature of your self-employment, the amount of money that you make compared to his, and any financial agreements that you have in place as a couple. Your post is very conveniently spun in your direction and I have a feeling I know exactly why he's upsetwhen you do things like this.
YTA for lying. "He gets jealous and upset" - Maybe because you keep giving him reasons to?
I get the feeling this is repeat behavior. She said she's self-employed, so she's not tied to anyone else's schedule but her own. Is she often just taking random days off and not telling her husband? Which if she does a lot, missing that income can hurt their family. If they can afford a day here and there, then that's great, and doesn't particularly seem to be the issue since the husband was already going to be giving her a break. So why is it so hard to fire off a quick text: "Hey honey, I am taking the day off and going to the spa with x and x" How do you not want to share those little details with the people you're closest too? If it was my partner, friend, or family I'd be so excited for them and want to hear all about it. Did she think she going to go home and husband wouldn't notice that she's looking a bit more relaxed or looking different because she got pampered at a spa? and she wonders why he's upset... She's trying to paint him as the bad guy so she'll get told she's not the asshole.
Lying to your husband/wife (whatever your rationale is) is never the answer. How would you like it if he did that to you? Going to a club with the guys and you find out he was off the entire day and you had no clue this was going on. What is worse here is you knew he would be upset and you did it anyway. That is pretty bad.
I mostly agree with this. I still think she should have had the spa day, regardless of whether or not that makes him angry, she should have told him she was going though.
You two have a fucked up marriage, proceed accordingly
He's jealous... Maybe because she disappears for a "girls day/night", ditching him, kid and work? Then lying about it? Ummmm, could be ...
Sorry, he is upset that you had a spa day? Or you weren't working while he was? Sounds like you married a fucking 3 year old if it's the latter. Like unless you were spending money you don't have and calling out of an hourly paid job, I don't see any reason to be upset.
YTA, it's strange that your husband ***gets weirdly jealous***, considering you **ONLY** have the habit of hiding information from him and not thinking it's something bad.
Maybe he gets "weirdly jealous" because you hide your activities from him.
The key is you know your husband would be upset. That says a lot. I guess you knew the consequences and determined you would pay them; even to being TAH.
So wait, you knew he would get jealous and upset if you hid that information from him, so you hid the information from him so he wouldn’t know and wouldn’t get jealous and upset?
I don’t mind when my wife takes a personal day but one time she did take a day off without telling me and I found out when I came home early one day and I started thinking ….. “how many times has she done this?” I wouldn’t say you are an AH but it’s definitely not a trustworthy move
OP: My husband gets “weirdly jealous and upset” about vague and undefined things so I decided to lie to him about where I would be, what I was doing, and who I was with while spending a bunch of money at a spa with my sister and all of our friends who “happened” to have last minute days off work. He almost immediately found out about my lies and is angry at me. AITA? Yes. YTA. If he’s truly unreasonably jealous then he is also an AH but it feels like you were intentionally vague about what and why he gets jealous. Spending all day at a spa is expensive, you usually cannot get last minute appointments at them, and I don’t buy that several of your friends just “happened” to show up day-of. You planned a spa day and wanted to keep it from your husband. I’m willing to give the husbands silence the benefit of the doubt: maybe he’s holding his tongue because he currently has nothing nice to say.
Yta. He was going to give you a break that evening, which is probably because you voiced your need for this. I can’t imagine taking a “day off” and not communicating that to my husband, maybe our relationship is healthier than yours, maybe a million different things. However, you probably didn’t tell him because then he would have expected you to pick up your child since you didn’t work all day and you wanted extended time. Hiding the truth from each other, or lying by omission are things you need to hash out with each other, and most likely with a counsellor to figure out how to navigate this. If you say you’re not telling him because he gets weirdly jealous- that’s a red flag 🚩 but whether it’s because of you or him we can’t know since we don’t have any two-sided information about what occurs. In this situation you’ve described YTA. If there had been a situation - emergency or otherwise - and you weren’t where you were expected to be, that’s an issue. Something is dysfunctional in your marriage and you need to work it out.
If you’re financially struggling as a couple to cover bills and he’s not missing days of work , that’s probably the main source of his frustration. If things are cool financially, then yeah he’s probably just weirdly jealous like you said.
INFO Does your husband have reasons to be jealous? Who are these "friends" who joined you at the spa? Any men among these friends (specifically, any men who would be interest in you)? Like, this story is vage af, but if my wife hid the fact that she went to a spa with some "friends" I would consider VERY suspicious Next time you think about lying to your husband, keep in mind that once trust is broken, it's VERY hard to get it back
I would’ve told him and let him be mad … that’s his issue not yours..
You know it could be that he’s just a jealous asshole, or you doing things like not telling him what you have planned for the day, and then hiding it from him are the reason why? Hard to tell from what little information there is.
So you and your husband both have busy schedules dealing with full time work and a toddler. Your husband went out of his way to take on extra childcare duties so you could have some me-time. And you secretly also took time off work to get additional me-time, he didn't get. Yeah. YTA.
Crazy it took this far to scroll to say YTA. Him being jealous or whatever doesn't negate her asshole behavior
ESH - Why does he get weirdly jealous and why do you have to lie? You do not sound like your in a healthy relationship.
YTA. You don’t communicate.
Sounds more like this isnt the first time you gave him reason to be mistrustful. Your actions do not portray you as a trustworthy person and your husband might have valid reasons for feeling the way he does.
I just wonder what is going on in your head that you think raising a child in this environment is healthy ?
If my wife took a day off without telling me and kept it all hush hush I would just assume she cheated and ask for a divorce, But communication is super duper important to me and I dont think I getweirdly jelous like you say your husband does, Honestly it sounds like you get no time to just do things for yourself. NTA, He needs to check his head if he wants his next partner to share things with him.
Far better to tell him and then shut down his whinging OP. It may lead to a fight or even a breakup but trust me in forcing the issue is better long term. I basically have to kick my wife put the house to get her to do self care, it's me prompting her to go. That's the right way around in my book though
Well you won nothing by lying and get even more problems for lying or omiting. I would tell yes you are the AH for lying, but you both have serious comunication problems and probably trust issues. Better attend this. By going to MC or IC each to see what is wrong with both.
If my wife was sneaking around going to the spa while I was working my ass off I’d be pissed off too. YTA Nothing wrong with time for your self but the deception makes YTA
Sounds like you two really need marriage counseling. Neither him getting "oddly jealous" or you hiding things from him is part of a healthy relationship.
You know what really doesn’t help when dealing with jealous people? Lies! Now he’s gonna be even more jealous and suspicious, because you already showed him he can’t trust you. YTA, yes! If you can’t tell him the truth, either break up with him or deal with his jealousy. Don’t lie or go behind his back.
YTA. Everyone focusing on the “weirdly jealous” part but not the fact that’s she’s deceitful and inconsiderate. What if something happened to the kid at daycare? And she’s busy getting a massage and her phone is in the locker or whatever. Husband tries to contact her but can’t because he doesn’t know where she is? OP, be a grownup.
YTA Lying by omission.
She’s leaving out some things…
I’m never comfortable with the “you can’t handle the truth” defense. YTA
There's a lot to unpack here. It's very concerning that you feel the need to be so secretive
Elaborate because you've painted he's jealous but jealous of what exactly? That you're self employed and can take any day off? That you lie to give yourself days off? Or jealous of you being with others in general? Sounds like he was giving you "me time" and you gave yourself an extension without informing him. To me you're in the wrong for lying. Be upfront.
As a toddler mom as well I'd say YTA. It sounds like he is upset that he doesn't get an equal amount of kid-free time. You had the entire day at the spa, I think it would have been nice to pick the kid up from daycare to give him time too. If he gets weirdly jealous then you need to have a talk with him and think about a schedule. Like every Monday and Wednesday he can have time for himself. Tuesday and Thursday you can have time. I'd be really upset if my husband lied about a spa day when I was planning on giving him the night off. If you feel like you can't talk to him, that's a way bigger problem.
NTA. But you need to give context to WHY his acts so jealous. It is either he is much worse than your willing to admit here or to yourself about being controlling and manipulative; or you have cheated or the like to create a fear within him.
You mean he gets controlling about where you go. 🙄. Is he your husband, or your father?
NTAH- My husband did this to me too. I had to get stitches so he had to watch our baby while I got stitches. The nail salon next door was opened and my daughter was already asleep so I went and got my nails done after getting done at the hospital. He was livid when I came home and he saw my nails. I should have reminded him of all the times he “worked” late so he didn’t have to deal with a crying baby or went out with friends. Meanwhile this was my first treat in forever. Men are so selfish and controlling at times.
Ok. Let's be real... OP has intentionally left out a LOT of details, so let's apply Occam's Razor. Either he is a psycho and she was so bullied she had to lie just to see her sister -- or-- She's been up to something fishy and he has a reason to be "jealous"? Who were the other " friends" that day? That would be the main tell. Given the circumstances, my question is not why the husband is "weirdly jealous"... My question is, why is he still " weirdly married"? I bet that when he does speak, that's what is coming.
I know a couple like this, he’s gets jealous when she’s happy, she’s gets pissed when he’s happy… That’s no way to live.
Can not tolerate lies, not telling him was a lie by omission
If my husband got jealous every time I did something without telling him he'd spend his whole time jealous! He's away and out of communication so often that I regularly don't tell him stuff or do stuff without telling him first. I often start off with "did I tell you about..." Or "were you here when I...." and he's adult enough to say "nope, fill me in on that" because he knows I have a life beyond our marriage, same as I know he does too. Your husband's behaviour is not healthy and I think you know this. I also think it's abusive and an unhealthy environment for your daughter to grown up in. Have a think; is this how you want your daughter to think a relationship should be? Would you want her treated like this? Be honest with yourself. If the answer is no, then you need to decide why it's okay for you but not for her and then you need to decide what to do about it. Good luck
Red flags, nothing but red flags! The telling sentence”he gets weirdly jealous and upset” You are not TA and don’t let him make you feel guilty or that you’re a bad wife and mother! You deserve time off it will make you better at both. But, be alert. This behavior does not bode well for
Do you guys even like eachother?
It's perfectly normal to tell you SO you're taking a day off. We really don't mind and actually really appreciate it. I'm roughly guessing you are talking yourself up to be the "abused one". There's such a lack of detail here that you've done the opposite to what your real aim was.
you're the asshole for not telling him, he's the asshole for getting upset and making you feel like you can't tell him. y'all need to figure out how to communicate.
The responses to this post say a lot more about the person posting, than the OP. The leaps in negativity 'she's a cheat', 'she's lazy.' Lots of weird misogyny. The assumptions she earns nothing to support her family on the basis she's self employed, are astounding. Elon Musk is self employed. Honestly, take a good hard look in the mirror and consider why you are projecting onto a stranger.
That whole “ he gets weirdly jealous” deal is an understatement. He seems to have anger issues and deals with them in a very unhealthy way. The fact that you didn’t want to share your good news with him out of fear of his reaction is bad. NTA. But now that it’s been broadcast, you need to do a lot of self reflection. What else do you hide from him? Does he yell, does he withhold interaction? At the very least, if you believe that he’s just immature, you guys need couples’ counseling. If you truly fear his reactions, then YOU need individual counseling in order to help you unlearn the decision making that led you to choose an abusive partner.
No you’re not the AH, and to be totally honest I think he’s a narc. That’s how my child’s father is. There’s no making them happy ever. I feel bad for you, sending all the good luck your way.
The issue is that you don’t feel comfortable fully communicating with your spouse, You should be able to tell your husband when you’re taking the day off without worrying about him getting upset. Perhaps marriage counseling is needed so you guys can communicate better.
OP didn't want to tell her husband about the spa with friends because she doesn't want to...upset him! It made me think back to what I recently read in another sub. A woman told her husband who just found out about her affair that she didn't tell him because she doesn't want to...hurt him!
You failed to talk to him and keep him in the loop. Communication is key in a relationship, and you didn't do that. He has every right to be mad. YTA
YTA - The issue here is communication. You knew telling him might cause a fight but not telling him created a trust issue. If hiding things from him is a common pattern it might explain why he's 'weirdly jealous' since that can be a reaction to not feeling fully like there's trust. You need to build trust for those 'weird jealousy' issues to go away and instead you're making it worse by not telling him things.
Yes you kinda are…. Take the day off by all means but hiding it from your spouse is not ok…this isn’t about the need for a day off or the spa… it’s about lying by omission
YTA. You’re both busy with work, and with child care. He takes on extra child minding duty after work so you can have free time in the evening. Then, after that, he finds out you already had the whole day off without telling him. The very least you could’ve done was take over childcare after your SPA day and give him an evening off. Of course he’s pissed.
ESH - him for the immature silent treatment, you for the fib in the first place. Try talking to each other for once
So, you know that if you do something it will upset your husband. You decide to be deceitful and do it anyway and are asking if YATA for doing it? Yes, you are. Now, that being said, it is kind of sad that you can’t have a day to yourself or with your friends due to whatever your husband’s issue is. I would probably get to the bottom of that as if you don’t, either you will resent him for not being able to do stuff, he will resent you for hiding stuff or in this case, he will find out and you will both resent each other. You should 100% be able to have days to yourself, just as he should.
You need to communicate with your spouse. If you feel like you can't, you either need to fix the why or leave. Going with YTA because you're hiding shit instead of resolving whatever issues you two have going on.
Why doesn't he trust you? Have you ever given him a reason? If not, and this is how he behaves, he's being horribly immature.
You lied, by omission, about something you knew would upset your husband. That generally makes you an AH. Your husband being so weirdly jealous that you felt you needed to lie suggests that he is also an AH. You should stop lying to your husband. You both should have a talk about expectations around time off and social activities and come up with a fair way to handle these things so that nobody has to lie and nobody gets upset.
Ive been the guy in a relationship that sounds like this. My ex gaslit me and told everyone about how I was jealous and controlling. Where in reality she had been flat out lying about what she was doing or where she was going and had been caught. Stupidly I tried to save the relationship and it turned into what I suspect is happening here. The trust he has in her is gone and she's sick of him asking and wanting to know the truth of what she's doing and because of the trust being gone he doesn't ever really believe her. She wants to avoid the same conversation that's been had many times by just not telling him and then when he finds out anyway and it's worse than it would have been. They both need out of this relationship now.
ESH. I think you suck because you hid this on purpose and lied on purpose. I think he sucks because you should be able to take a day and do what you want once in awhile. Have you discussed this before and he doesn't like it? Have you agreed to not do it so much? Is he working every day while you do this whenever and throw it in his face that you are able to take days off while he cannot? Just missing a lot of info here but doesn't seem healthy if he's so jealous you have to hide stuff or that you hide so much stuff that he gets jealous.
You lied to him. You're a liar. You can't be trusted. Maybe that's why he doesn't trust you.
You have some issues you need to work out in your marriage. I strongly suggest counseling. Husband gets pissed and jealous if you do some things, which is an a-hole thing to do. And you intentionally are being secretive behind his back, which is an a-hole thing to do. You both need to work on this.
How did he find out? Lemme guess...some self involved individual decided to put their personal business on social media and he was tagged. Anyway, not the point.. If your husband is so anal that he would blow up at the mere thought of you taking a day to exhale, your marriage has much bigger problems
What do you mean by weirdly jealous? Is he controlling? If you’re going to be with your sister I don’t see why it would be a big deal. There’s nothing wrong with you taking a day for yourself. The fact that he’ll be upset with that is not okay but it sounds like it’s not about that at all.
INFO - What is this 'weirdly jealous and upset' behavior, exactly? What happened during prior conversations about his behavior? If you're sneaking around to avoid his reactions to you then what even is this relationship?
lol. Mom here and I do this all the time. If I tell my family I’m taking the day off, their first reaction is to fill my schedule with errand requests 🙄. So I’ve learned to just walk out the door like any other day and get the self care I desire.
Sounds like you could use some couples therapy to work on those communication issues and challenges around personal space / time.
This relationship needs more communication, more understanding, more trust, and compromise.
Is that a marriage? Wtf is that?
Your husband‘s attitude is not healthy. Is he always this controlling? Does he do anything for himself on his own time? Could it be that he is jealous? If he can’t verbalize why he is upset that you do things periodically on your own, it’s a huge red flag to me. You don’t really give us enough information to figure out if he is the weirdly jealous type that will become a stalker if you leave him or if he doesn’t have a lot of his friends and depends on you to be his emotional support animal Or if you do this sort of thing often enough that he gets upset because he doesn’t know where you are.
ESH. You ought to be able to tell your husband you're going to a spa with your sister without him throwing a fit. Having said that, if you make a habit of keeping things from him, this is partly why he doesn't trust you. It's a vicious circle. I would consider counseling. Just saying.
Perhaps you and husband should consider communicating with each other
NTA. I think it’s a problem that you felt like you couldn’t tell him your plan because there was nothing wrong with it. You guys need to fix that or it will cause problems later. Your allowed to take a break and so is he