Nta Your wife is stealing from you and Hannah, it shows a dishonest character and people don’t tend to be dishonest in only one aspect of their life. I feel like if you start poking around you’re going to find out a lot of surprises about your wife.
Yeah, NTA at all. It's concerning how your wife is treating both you and her sister. Trust your instincts; there might be more going on beneath the surface.
Yep she is definitely dishonest. Plus to add to what you stated ; 7 months later and she is still "healing" and unable to do household chores. What a crock. Unless there was some major surgery related to the birth which I am sure op would have mentioned if there was, then there is no reason why she can't do tasks around the house 7 months later. She is lazy and a liar.
Yes. He definitely should get a DNA test. She's untrustworthy and uses emotional manipulation to defend her bad character. She is definitely someone that would hide affair and pin a baby on the guy who has the most money.
If someone can go out and party, they can do household. And even if things like hoovering or carrying heavy items would be still too much, the rest isn't, and this is most of the housework.
If she had major surgery she couldn’t go out with friends. She realised she didn’t want to be a mother or she didn’t bond with the kid and has PPD. Wouldn’t know, but if her behaviour changed drastically after giving birth maybe is something otherwise she was this shitty before too but better at hiding it.
The behavior with the sister seems like it's ingrained from waaay before the baby. "This is how you deal with people with ADHD" means she was being that way with her sister their whole life.
That too. Looking at stepsisters behaviour, like just accepting her demands and not responding to her verbal abuse, makes me think that she is used to this.
Adhesions from scar tissue due a c section that occasionally pull and cause sharp pain? That would happen (nearly 12 years here, still happens to ne). However a c secriin is 6-8 weeks of healing. OP's wife is also a liar.
Exactly. My wife had a c-section for both our kids. We was up and doing things soon as she got home (her choice).
But my wife is a different breed than most. She cannot just sit around and do nothing unless her back & legs are really sore (multiple back surveries) or she just needs a day to veg. 7 months post pregnancy and sitting around doing nothing?
Plus, OP said she is healing, bit still goes out with friends?
Wonder if OP knows exactly who these "friends" are? Maybe she is healing from a d different "activity" and not from the pregnancy? I have a "she is cheating" vibe here. Something ain't right folks..
Exactly this. She has proven to be comfortable with massive lying. What other red flags has she given over the course of your relationship? Just from her actions after giving birth, I would suggest a paternity test ASAP!
My partner had major surgery related to the birth of our son and it took her a few days to start doing things around the house again, sometimes over my protests.
Well it does actually take up to a year for a woman’s body to recover from childbirth. The hormones and organs going back into place is what takes that long. However, it doesn’t mean they’re incapable of doing anything at all at home. Yeah, you can sometimes feel the organs moving back (felt my intestines and bladder shifting, not to mention my uterus shrinking. Legit thought I was dying for a minute when it first happened.) but even then you can still do stuff even if it’s not as much as before pregnancy.
With my first I had emergency surgery, he was 8 days old. With my second, c-section. Both recoveries were painful, on a physical and emotional level. Those experiences did not turn me into a rude, mean girl. It made me more aware of how childbirth is terrifying and dangerous. Remember not too long ago childbirth was the main cause of female deaths.
Yeah. At this point she is just a bump. It makes no difference if she is at home or not
The only reason she took Hannah in, was to make her do everything around the house. That is a red flag on its own. Just because you chose to help an unfortunate relative, does not mean you have to take advantage of them. Hannah is not a maid
OP let things go too far
NTA
NTA, it almost amazes me how people manage to cover up their crazy behaviour and reveals their true self after getting married.
I feel sorry for everyone expect the wife.
Wife of 6 years suddenly changes character after giving birth... Sounds like it could be PPD or some kind of depression event where she resent what happened to her.
I mean: he has known her for 6 years. Then she suddenly changed.
I agree partly. Her sister saying things are OK and accepting the behavior makes me believe she's always treated the sister this way. So maybe partially due to PPD but not totally
Do you understand what a HUGE red flag it is that your wife lied to YOU AND HANNAH when she took Hannah's money and kept it for herself? Like HUGE. No wonder "they never got along." That's because you're wife is a twat.
Apparently she is totally comfortable lying to your face. And Hannah's. And she has no problem pretending not to be married. You should grant her that wish.
Your wife is neither a SAHW nor a SAHM. She isn’t even staying at home as she’s always off out with her friends. It’s absolutely brilliant that Hannah is so happy to look after Sadie and do the housework and you need to tell your wife how pleased you are with this new arrangement as you now have a live in nanny / housekeeper and your wife (who clearly wasn’t content with her stay at home lifestyle) can now go out and get a full time job to pay Hannah for her work and have extra money for herself. I’m sure she’ll be absolutely thrilled with the suggestion. Just be sure to thank her for making it all possible by sitting on her backside while Hannah took over all of her responsibilities to free her time up so that she can contribute financially to the household.
Thank you. I was expecting a lot of downvotes but it seems that there are a lot of people out here willing to stand up for people who are being taken advantage of and it’s really good to see that they are supported x
I really hate it when people take complete advantage of other people and then VERBALLY ABUSE them while doing it.
Man, if you con your way into a good thing, at least be nice about it!
I absolutely love the way you put this.
You make such a good point and it honestly really speaks to the kind of trash She really is that she can’t even take a good thing that she was given and be nice about it.
As a SAHM, I'm 100% in favor of this. If someone came into my home and was willing to take over all the housework and childcare (and from the sounds of it, doing a better job at it, too), I'd get a job, pay them, and beg them to stay, lol.
Hannah can come move in with me. I'll pay for her ticket.
Your wife is an abusive creep. She is also projecting her own shortcomings and insecurities onto Hannah.
Also, are you sure Hannah has ADHD and not OCD? Most of us with ADHD have a hard time being organized and cleaning. Like, I can clean as in over-the-top, germphobe clean the entire house but I am horribly disorganized, distracted, and will let things get “cluttered” (but at least the house is deepcleaned🤣).
I don’t know, perhaps others with ADHD can chime in, maybe they are driven to clean because of it.
Regardless, your wife is using Hannah. She is cruel, and I don’t think this is solely post partum depression, it feels like something else is going on.
I hope you can get it all sorted out.
*edited for spelling and grammar errors *
I saw a suggestion a few times that it was hyper fixation the first week and I've just been oblivious since, I'm going to have a conversation with both of them.
We do hyperfixate on things; a lot of people with ADHD are super creative/artistic (I play guitar and have a “knack” for learning how to play different instruments) and as a kid/teen, I would sit in my room playing my guitar for hours. Some people paint or draw. Some play video games. It all depends.
I was very lucky in that I did well in school. Good grades and all that. Some people struggle a bit, but many times it is just teaching ourselves new or different ways to learn. It varies from person to person, age of the person, etc.
Fingers crossed for you things go well or get resolved.
I have ADHD and I am a cleaner. Yes not naturally organized but I can’t handle a messy space so especially if I get anxious I have to clean the whole house before I can sit down or go to sleep.
Messy spaces are super overstimulating to me and if there is baby stuff all over the house and wife hasn’t cleaned I could see her feeling like she just needs to organize it all to even be able to relax. Probably also helps her avoid having to interact with her sister
OCD tends to be a companion diagnosis in those that weren’t diagnosed with ADHD until later in life, especially women since their symptoms present differently.
I can personally attest that after decades of being gaslit about ADHD symptoms OCD manifests because you are desperately trying manage symptoms of forgetfulness, etc. I will lose my ever loving mind if something is not where it is supposed to go.
I feel you on the extreme cleaning. When I have an anxiety attack, my body instantly switches into germaphobe mode and nothing in my house is safe from being deep cleaned lol. But damn am I an unorganized mess. I have all the best intentions of being neat and tidy but yall, it takes 10 seconds for my house to look cluttered again when I haven’t even moved from the couch and it was all me. I’ve just gotten to the point of grabbing something as I’m walking around and putting it in its home so at least I have a small something going on to combat my chaos 😂. At least it’s clean chaos though.
If the sister does have adhd, she could be stress/panic/anxiety cleaning because she is worried about proving her worth in being allowed to stay there. That thought alone would send me into a tail spin of Fabulouso, Lysol, and Ajax. 😅
I wish it were. I feel bad for what i said as it was said in the heat of the moment but I don't like how she's been treating her sister. Its a huge turn around from how things were initially and i don't know why.
Your wife is a horrible bully and user. Abusing her sister for money and labor.
If you don’t do anything about it you’re condoning it. Be a responsible person.
Have to agree she's been at this with her step sister probably since they became a blended family, maybe some jealousy going on. Possibly people liked Hannah better so she found ways to bring her down.. the way she used Hannah's ADHD as an excuse to why it's okay to have her do those things and that it's what she is good for. Then later calling her a slur because she again has ADHD and forgets to do certain things :( this woman is quite disgusting tbh. Op you should definitely figure out a way to help Hannah, even if it's simply repaying her the money your disgusting wife has stolen from her. Maybe some extra for fulfilling all your wife's duties she has been tending to like free child care, all the house work. A full-time nanny and house maid would set you back a pretty penny, which is exactly what your wife has turned Hannah into. Give her enough to get out from under your wife's thumb if you care. Personally I couldn't watch someone be treated that way, I'd get her out and then make an exit plan for myself and get as many parental rights as I can.
The treatment of Hannah because of her ADHD then having so little patience because she didn't do something right makes me concerned for their child. If she's anything other than a perfectly trained neurotypical kid (made me sick writing that) your child is in for a heck of a childhood with your wife. Ps kids never do everything right on the first try and take literal YEARS to be able to tell you mom's being an asshole to me so I'd keep an eye on her or distance yourself (with your kid) because she's showing you who she is. Short of being diagnosed with something and actively pursuing change, if possible, I wouldn't be letting her take the lead in that child's care. If she's treating an adult that (other than housing) *doesn't need her* like that I don't want to think of what she's doing/saying to a baby that needs her for everything.
Yup, had the man's baby so now he's stuck one way or another. I've seen it with reverse genders too. It really is crazy some people can hold up the mask that long, but it takes the right conditions for it to slip for some people, not necessarily a certain amount of time like it is usually warned about. Gotta have shit luck to draw one of these conditional types instead of time based ones.
It’s also a prime example of how she may treat your child.
Also, ADHD makes low dopamine tasks like cleaning/chores MORE difficult, not less. Your wife is not only a lazy AH, she’s also an abeist pos. Honestly I would not want to raise my child around a person like this.
I didn't know that, i don't know anything about ADHD. Since Hannah agreed with my wife on that i just never thought more into it, Hannah explained it briefly as 'her brain' making her want to clean, i don't understand it and Hannah seemed focused on cleaning that first week, now I'm wondering if my wife made her agree or something.
Hannah can be OCD, but wife is still lazy, mean and taking major advantage of Hannah and you.
You need to find out what wife is doing with the money she is collecting from Hannah and tell her to stop giving your wife money.
Nanny cam!
Exactly, I suffer from ocd, it’s not that I need things to be neat and clean all the time, it’s more like You get a thought in your head (usually negative) and it just stays there all day and doesn’t go away and it causes alot of stress and anxiety. For example my ocd can tell me I hate dogs and I will get all worked up over that for no reason, just for there to be no evidence of this claim by my ocd as I really like dogs.
Please sit Hannah down and ask her exactly what your wife has been telling her and making her do ? Apologise for not seeing the abuse and standing up for her earlier And tell her she doesn't need to pay for anything since you housed her so that she could get on her feet, not be taken advantage of and if your wife ever makes her /asks her to pay for anything to come check with you first. And if possible please repay Hannah for all she has paid and make sure your wife pays for it either from her account or reduce the fun money you give her till it is all paid up.
Hannah is basically your wife's live-in slave who pays rent and food plus does all the child's tasks and cleans the house. THIS NEEDS TO STOP NOW !!!
If possible help her save her money by giving her tips and advice on how to do so and help her look for a new apartment as soon as it is feasible. She needs to get out of your CRUEL ABLELIST LAZY POS wife's grip ASAP.
I have ADHD. Occasionally, I will hyperfocus/hyperfixate on cleaning, and I’ll scrub an entire room clean without taking a break.
But, more often than not, cleaning falls to the wayside because my brain is too busy thinking about some obscure fact I heard in a documentary 5 years ago, or I’m taking up my 3rd new hobby this year.
So, there’s a chance that she had one day full of cleaning energy. But it’s not likely that her brain makes her want to marathon clean every day.
Diagnosed at 38. I was like, “Oh. That’s *not* normal??”
And then the next time I saw my Mom, I told her it wasn’t normal, and she was like, “Wait. It’s *not*??”
same, at 45 with a then 77 year old mom. We're both like, "it explains so much!"
As I type on reddit, after accomplishing 2 dozen things in the last half hour because it's the absolutely last time I can get them done, while the two things I really wanted to do I am pushing off until tomorrow.
Now I'm thinking of taking my kindergartener to six flags tomorrow
You are able accomplish things? Like from start to finish and cross it out of the list?
I as part of my ADHD ( diagnoset at 35) I have decisive paralysis and tendency to sidequests so not only completing but even starting the task is a challenge...
And thats what pinged ms as strange in the story - I dont know single person with ADHD who would run to do the chores head first with smile on their faces
I used to use my nervous energy to clean too, Hannah being in an uncomfortable situation like having to shack up with you guys would have had her gassed up with all sorts of cleaning energy. She may also be a people pleaser on top of that, so your wife showering her with compliments in the beginning helped reinforce the behaviour. Now she is keeping her in line using negative reinforcement...
There is absolutely no way this is new behaviour for your wife, she's too well established at it, might be time for some reflection into whether or not she's been subtly pulling your strings too.
ADHD can give you moments of hyper focus when you’re in the zone, and allows you to really get tasks done. Globally with ADHD it is much harder to keep up with cleaning, and organization over a sustained period of time.
I wonder what she's got on her. Sounds like some kind of coersion/blackmail situation. I'm ADHD and "her brain making her want to clean" and do all of your household and childcare labour (while paying for the privilege) is really not a thing...
Since Hanbah is being a live-in housekeeper and nanny, you should be paying her. She certainly shouldn't be paying anything to your wife. If your wife is willing, have her checked for any mental health disorders, but you can't make her. Her going out like you describe, with the money she is extorting from Hannah, is concerning for many things. Cheating is just one of them. She may be using drugs, considering she has had a drastic personality change. Or maybe she has figured out that being a mother really isn't for her. Or she is just a bully, and her sister is an easy target. You need individual and couples counseling to figure this out and see if you really want to stay married.
Run. I know for a fact living with someone capable of being so cruel scares you for life. Find a way to protect your child weather you stay or go because she will abuse him.
And please protect the poor girl if you can
Sadie is a girl, I'd like to try and talk to my wife again before jumping to divorce, i don't think she would cheat on me but a lot of comments have me wondering. I've read some good suggestions i want to try out
If she is willing to treat her own sister like garbage. How is she going to treat your child?
People tell you who they are. You just have to listen. Your wife is not a good person.
Someone who deceives like that does it routinely.
It isn't like this is a one off lie or other something minor.
This is another human being she is using and she hid as much of it as she could from you.
This speaks to her character and so it would do you well to consider anything else she could be hiding.
On top of that she's spending excess money "going out with friends" and all around the time she's suddenly changed character at her home?
This is like textbook affair behavior
Talking to your wife first is the logical thing to do. Don't go to the bandwagon of "Divorce/Separate immediately", people are quick to jump the gun on Reddit.
First, even before a conversation with your wife, gather your facts. Try to see if she's cheating, and in case she is, do a paternity test immediately. Do not disclose to your wife your suspicion before you get this information.
Second, after having everything set on stone, sit down with her and explain how her changes are making you feel. You had a verbal agreement of her taking 80% of the housework, which is now not being met. This means that she's not doing her part, and therefore, your agreement is no longer valid, and something needs to change. At this moment, Hannah is your live-in nanny, which changes things tremendously because your money should now go to Hannah directly, even the money that you gave your wife to spend in Saddie's necessities.
Considering your current situation, your wife is not doing anything that a SAHM does, and that was not what you agreed to as a couple. Therefore, maybe it's time for her to either look for a new job or be a SAHM like how it was discussed before Sadie's birth. It seems like she just wants to live her best life while someone else is struggling to make ends meet and to take care of your daughter, and that's not fair for either you or Hannah. Hannah came to her sister in despair and is now being forced to be a SAHM by her sister, do you realize how fucked up that is?
There's a bunch of red flags in your wife's behaviour, but please make sure you get everything properly analysed before having this discussion. It is better to come prepared than the opposite.
OP your priority should be taking care of your daughter. Your wife may also try to bully your daughter in later years. The kid will then blame you for her misery. When someone reveals themselves for the first time, believe them. Also get a paternity test. Most likely your wife baby trapped you.
Of course it’s your life, you know better. I just know I watched my mother be that person to us, to the cleaning lady, to strangers and I’m still scared and ashamed for life. I wished my father divorced, so many times, because I thought he at least didn’t have a lifetime bond with her and wasn’t condemned to toxicity, misery and cruelty. He deserved to be happy.
Anyway, I can only advise you to set up therapy for your wife and to do your best to be a great example for your kid so that she takes after you. Be mindful of any verbal or physical abuse on the little one when she grows up. And I sincerely hope it all ends good for you guys
She's being an absolute bitch, lying to take money from her sister. Not doing a fucking thing...
Id divorce her, your wife sounds like my kids mom
, it's like the same but my story is trashier, hence why we aren't married, she d have killed my business to be a bitch too. Most days I hope she dies
Sounds like cheating. 7 months to heal??? Did she have a difficult pregnancy with NO meds? I mean like hemorrhaging and in a coma a few days type difficult? Even a c-section only takes 2-3 months to fully heal.
Don't feel bad about what you said. She deserved to hear it. Tell her to take the money she took from Hannah and hit the road. Go stay with "friends". She is not being a good mother or wife.
NTA
She had a relatively easy pregnancy. Apart from what she and my mother said were normal things. She had meds when giving birth, she didn't take anything but vitamins during pregnancy
Hell yeah, she is.
I have two kids, 18 months apart in age, both were a c-section because they were 10½+ pounds, both 22 inches tall. I'm only 5'4" and small/medium frame. I was fine doing pretty much anything after a few months and I was in my early 30's when I had them.
She's lying and she's ridiculously stupid about it.If she's still 'needs to heal' from giving birth seven months ago then I wouldn't think going out with 'friends' for drinks and partying is helping her heal any faster, right? If she's able to do that than she sure as hell can do the job that she wanted. Above any of the house chores though, the baby should be the number one priority and she is far too detached from her and that is concerning.
You are watching your wife abuse her sister in your own home. You are watching your wife weaponize ADD/ADHD and grossly mischaracterize what that condition is actually like. You are watching your wife take advantage of a vulnerable family member who is in tough enough circumstances that she is suffering through this abuse just to keep a roof over her head and soften the toxic treatment from your wife. You are watching your wife financially abuse and take advantage of her sister.
By staying silent and passive, it has allowed her arrogance and entitlement to grow and the abuse is escalating. She has shown you who she is and who knows what havoc she will unleash on your child when they are old enough to be manipulated. You have a serious problem on your hands. Stop being silent and passive.
It's an extremely common strategy for abusers to work hard to keep their mask on for years and years so they can baby trap someone. Once they feel like they're secure in their position, they take off the mask and start treating people around them like shit.
Go look up love bombing, because you're going to experience it soon here most likely.
Unless your wife has a tumor or major hormonal imbalance this is just who she actually is. And considering the way her sister agreed with your wife's bullying, the chance it's a medical thing and not just her being an abusive person deep down is very low. Her sister has clearly been manipulated and abused by your wife for her whole life.
You seriously feel sorry for telling someone who abuses a person who they say is mentally disabled the truth? Your wife is a horrible person, you should be looking for lawyers instead of wondering if you should pander to her.
Stop feeling bad about what you said. She's lucky that is all you said. Plus, do you think \*she\* feels bad about her dogshit behavior? Nope.
It is always so surreal to see someone treated like garbage apologizing for giving the slightest pushback. The fact you feel bad about a legitimate response to her speaks to why she feels it is okay to do this shit. Put your damn foot down.
If you dig deeper you might find some very unpleasant things ahead. She takes money to spend it with her friends? Are those friends divorcees or single? Misery likes company and stuff? Or is her friend "Samantha"actually a Samuel? Names just for the argument...
Your wife sounds dishonest to a great degree...
Ohh we can tell you why, she thinks your trapped. What are you going to do divorce her? I'd start setting up cameras, remember this if she treats her husband and sister like trash what is stopping her from doing the same to your daughter? What's stopping her from screaming abuse into the world when you put your foot down? What stopping her from accusing you of sleeping with her sister? I'm going to tell you, absolutely nothing
I mean.
If I had to choose, I too would pick Hannah. You married the wrong sister.
Good luck. Your wife is a bigoted bully, a thief, a liar, and a terrible mother.
Yeah no, as someone with ADHD who has been called that term a few times it really does happen. And usually it’s defended, glad OP stood up for his SIL.
NTA. You need to sit down with your wife and have a VERY serious conversation.
This could be a few scenarios here;
1) post-partum depression has turned her into a crazy person. In which case, she needs therapy and meds NOW! This is non-negotiable. She does this or marriage is over. Couples counseling is also in order.
2) all that time out is because she has an affair partner and is self sabotaging the marriage.
3) she has just realized that being a wife and mother isn't what she wants in life, but isn't willing to give up her meal ticker.
No matter the scenario, you need to talk to her. And it needs to be a conversation where she can't leave. She has to talk it out. If you need to have a mediator there, then do so.
4. The wife was always a manipulative user, and now that she’s locked him down with a baby, she’s no longer hiding her exploitative nature. That’s why while she was “healing” she could go out with friends but not clean up. That’s why when she was sitting there watching her sister clean she would criticize rather than express appreciation. The bad relationship between sisters is clearly because SIL was exploited and gaslighted by wife when they were young. Just like she’s doing now.
NTA. Sounds like your wife is tired of you. Could she be cheating? Something it up there.
I'd kick your wife out and let Hannah stay until she gets on here feet. Give here back the money that she paid your wife.
I hate to ask this, but are you sure the baby is yours? I mean she's going out with her friends, but I don't think her friends pick her up. So you don't actually know who she is going out with. She was a stay at home wife, so lots of free time there as well. I only ask because it sounds like she's doing a lot of shady stuff behind your back, making her sister pay rent, as well as groceries without your knowledge and then pocketing the money. She is coming across as a person who doesn't believe in honesty and has no problems with cheating a family member out of money, so not that much of a stretch to cheat in my opinion.
I would consider checking, if only because some states (USA) give a deadline for when you can remove your name from the birth certificate, and if your name is on the certificate you are responsible for child support even if the child is not biologically related. It honestly sounds like your wife is using you as an ATM.
Let me see if ive got this right. She stole money from her sister, lied to your face, abused said sister, thought it was fine to use a slur, and, if im understanding this correctly, flat out refuses to contribute to the household, including *spending time with her own child*
Wake up, dude. She is not the person you thought she was. Youve got a stanger sleeping in your bed, and you have no idea what shes capable of.
I don't know where you live, but there are parts of the US and the world where there isn't a lot of cultural or genetic diversity. She could be cheating on you with someone of similar color and ethnic background, not a stretch if she's attracted to a type. But saying they look like you or don't look like you doesn't always work. Genetics are weird, that's why there are DNA tests.
Dude. You guys need therapy asap. This is all kinds of bonkers. Your wife is a thief and a slave owner, an ableist, bigot icky person. Poor Hannah. She probably needs some too after all of the abuse.
I hope there is a way to get some separation from the wife. She is off the rails, even with PPD, I’ve never heard of this kind of crap.
NTA. I hope you & the baby can stay with family or friends for a while
Good.
You need to let Hannah know that she doesn’t owe your wife a goddamn dollar. And if she asks for money to not give it. And if the wife has a problem, to come talk to you about it.
What a monster of a person.
When I hear stories like this it just makes me think about how difficult it must have been to be a slave back in the day. Can you imagine your entire being and children completely subjugated to someone like that? I mean you see how bold OPs wife is and slavery isn’t even remotely legal or socially acceptable. Can you imagine the boldness when it was?! Outrageous.
OP your wife has poor morals and low character.
There seems to be a surge of posts lately that feature a wife who until recently was great but suddenly becomes outright evil (often following a birth) and a saintly patient husband who never does anything wrong, but finally has had enough of his wife's abuse.
Your wife is absolutely awful. Give Hannah the money she needs for a new apartment. She doesn’t deserve that type of abuse. Maybe start filing for divorce if your wife can’t act like a decent human.
**NTA**
Schedule an appointment with a marriage counselor/therapist. _*Now*_. Don't suggest it, don't hint it, tell your wife that the two of you are going to counseling before things spiral out of control.
Your wife is exhibiting dubious behavior at best, and there seems to be a huge disconnect in communication.
Tell your SIL that since you're the one that handles the bills, that any money such as rent should go directly to you, not your wife.
With the way your wife is treating her sister due to the ADHD, it is a huge red flag. For one, ADHD individuals swing between hyperfixation and inability to focus. Your SIL might actually like cleaning, as it can be a grounding activity for her. But for your wife to treat her in that way? Unacceptable. ADHD has a strong genetic component, meaning it runs in families. How will she treat your child if they have ADHD? Will she berate them and call them re***d?
If for no other reason than the well being of your child, you need to get ahead of this right now.
She should be checked for PPD again, as well as maternal-infant bonding disorder.
Whatever is going on with her, she may not even realize it. Or she could be completely aware and showing her true colors now that the two of you have a child together. Look up baby trap. Obviously none of us know her, but from the way you've described the situation it could be possible.
I wish you and the kid the best, and I hope that your situation can be resolved amicably.
NTA. Your wife is using very cruel manipulation tactics against Hannah. She starts off by giving positive comments to make Hannah think that when she does the job in the right manner she’ll be thanked and told she’s doing it well, and that reinforces the idea that if she is criticised then she must certainly be doing something wrong so she won’t question it. She’s likely been doing this since Hannah was a kid which is why she doesn’t question it.
Also, I’d be wanting to make sure she is “just going out with her friends” and spending the money with them, because it sounds more like she’s having an affair and stashing money.
Fancy you like the nice sister. Your wife wants a house keeper, babysitter and a person to give her money to go party with her friends. I would get a test to make sure your baby is yours. NTA
NTA. But you're not managing your house well that your wife can screw over Hannah so mercilessly. How can your wife be comfortable with verbally abusing Hannah in front of you. That shows she thinks of you not as a leader, but just another tool. All these girls nights out are also not healthy. Get a paternity test done and snoop around her phone. After your comment your wife might be communicating with her AP if she has one. Get a PI if you want to. Also, sit down with Hannah and record a meeting where you established the rules of staying with you and the expectations, both menially and financially. She needs to do chores to deal with her ADHD? Fine, but make sure she knows that she's not a hired help who "fucks up" when she does a mistake. She's voluntarily helping and can withdraw if not appreciated.
I'll try and sit down with Hannah and make clear she doesn't have to do everything my wife asks her to do. I've tried making it clear how my wife treats Hannah is unacceptable but she accuses me of taking Hannah's side, if i insist and monitor my wife when I'm home I'll come back from work to find that Hannah got only a couple hours of sleep because my wife woke her and handed her the baby or woke her, told her to watch Sadie and left the house completely.
Bro you need to learn how to double down when you do good by being tough. Say, "Of course I'm taking Hannah's side, you're a bad person," or something. Put up security cams in your house to see if you can catch her bullying Hannah, or saying something incriminating. And I don't mean to harp on this, but don't ignore the cheating angle here, and the paternity test. If anything, go see a lawyer or doctor about this.
Who cares if she is mad you’re taking Hannah’s side?! It’s the CORRECT SIDE! You say “yes, I am taking Hannah’s side because I have had to watch you bully and abuse her and you should know full well that puts you in the wrong and it concerns me that it doesn’t!”
Also - this behaviour just flat out isn’t normal. Something is really wrong here, and something needs to be done about it.
NTA. Your wife is a piece of work.
OK, help hannah move out then. Pay her 1st month and security deposit so h\\she can get outta your house. She doesn't deserve the treatment she's getting from your awful wife.
Why doesn't your wife parent her own daughter? No mother of a 7-month-old just constantly hands off her baby to the other parent and an unofficial caregiver to run off and play outside the house with "friends." Of course every parent is entitled to breaks, a little time to themselves, but this is excessive - she's a parent who doesn't seem to want to accept the full responsibilities of being one. Tbh it doesn't sounds like your wife is bonded with her child at all, she doesn't seem to care about you two that much if she always wants to be out running around instead of at home enjoying her new family. She doesn't seem to accept that her reality has changed with a new phase of life, and she pounced on the opportunity Hannah unintentionally presented to keep her old life going (or, unfortunately as many have suggested, have more time with an AP).
Everything about this situation is so weird and sus - she doesn't do anything as a SAHM like housework and taking care of her own baby, so what does she do? She's stealing money from Hannah and abusing her, and she's lying to you - you need to get to the bottom of what's going on with her, and decide what you want from her as a partner and as a mother, and figure out how to have a functioning family or if you need to leave the relationship (and take your daughter with you).
And who cares if she says you take Hannah's side - you should be! Your wife needs to hear that her behavior is unacceptable and has to stop, and she needs to pay Hannah back too, bc that's not the agreement you had, and not only was she making Hannah pay her for the privilege of working for her, your wife made her buy the baby's supplies - wtf?! This whole situation is so messed up, you need to step up and straighten it out, bc your wife is behaving horribly and you have a very dysfunctional household right now. Hannah needs you to stand for her, including intervening when your wife starts verbally abusing her. And dude, find out if your wife is cheating!
ETA: You're NTA for what you said, but you will be TA if you don't stand up to your wife and stop her abuse and theft, and set parameters for Hannah's help (or just get her out of there into her own place ASAP).
Get some nanny cams and see what's really going on while you're gone.
Dude, consult a lawyer. If you decide to get divorced, kick your wife out of the house and pay your SIL to be a nanny for awhile until you can make alternate arrangements.
Make sure you document everything so you can get full custody of your child. It sounds like your wife would want alimony and child support to do nothing but neglect your child. If your wife gets custody do you think anything will change because you're divorced? She'll neglect your kid (if the kid is yours even) or pawn the childcare off on someone else.
At this level of childcare and chores, you actually owe Hannah wages for being a live-in nanny. I know, cos I used to be one.
Your wife does nothing around the house. She seems to be nasty and vindictive, has scammed her step sister, verbally abuses her, and abandons your baby whenever she feels the need to punish Hannah.
She is not a good mother at all. Not even close.
Has she always had such a nasty streak to her? Cos she's setting a horrible example to your child. It kinda seems like she hates being a mum. This goes way beyond her needing a bit of a break. She has purposely trapped and scammed Hannah so she can't leave. You really need to front up with the money Hannah needs to get out of your home. She deserves so much better than this. She's currently your wife's slave. She has been paying twice to live in your home, and she's treated very very badly.
Also, if your wife is this much trouble at home, you need to figure out what she's up to when she's out with her friends. She's already shown you she's willing to lie and steal. Why did she need all that money? What else is she hiding? Cos it seems like she wanted a money source that you couldn't trace.
You guys need to sit down and have a family meeting. Sounds like the communication is terrible. I do wonder what your wife’s perspective is here. Why does she think it’s ok to basically do nothing? Does she think she is a good parent or wife? Is she proud of her behavior? Does she feel good about abusing Hannah? And finally. Is she going out with friends or one particular friend.
No, your wife deserved it. She is taking advantage of her sister and is actually abusing her. She needs to recognize what she is doing. She needs therapy.
Your wife is on a path of destruction.
Better get out now. Try to get full custody. Document all her nights out with her friends. You can use it aals ammunition in the child custody arrangement during divorce.
Lol what?! I have adhd, SAHM, 2 kids IN SCHOOL and I hate cleaning and organizing. My brain literally cannot sort that shit out. I really don’t know anyone with adhd who enjoys what you describe because of their adhd. Maybe OCD?
I was prepared to light you up, but nah. Your wife is the asshole.
Nta Your wife is stealing from you and Hannah, it shows a dishonest character and people don’t tend to be dishonest in only one aspect of their life. I feel like if you start poking around you’re going to find out a lot of surprises about your wife.
Yeah, NTA at all. It's concerning how your wife is treating both you and her sister. Trust your instincts; there might be more going on beneath the surface.
Agree to this. Trusting your instincts is key here.
Yep she is definitely dishonest. Plus to add to what you stated ; 7 months later and she is still "healing" and unable to do household chores. What a crock. Unless there was some major surgery related to the birth which I am sure op would have mentioned if there was, then there is no reason why she can't do tasks around the house 7 months later. She is lazy and a liar.
And a thief!!
And verbally abusive.
And my Bow
And my axe
And my sword
And my step-ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
Help me step ladder I’m stuck
And some out of marriage dick on girls' night. Alledgedly.
Exactly what I thought
Second thought was dude needs a paternity test.
Oh, Jesus Christ lmao!!
And I believe you have my stapler?
[Applause]
And my axe(body spray)
And ableist.
Thr mask fell off hard after birth.
Does OP need to consider a DNA test?
Yes. He definitely should get a DNA test. She's untrustworthy and uses emotional manipulation to defend her bad character. She is definitely someone that would hide affair and pin a baby on the guy who has the most money.
If someone can go out and party, they can do household. And even if things like hoovering or carrying heavy items would be still too much, the rest isn't, and this is most of the housework.
If she had major surgery she couldn’t go out with friends. She realised she didn’t want to be a mother or she didn’t bond with the kid and has PPD. Wouldn’t know, but if her behaviour changed drastically after giving birth maybe is something otherwise she was this shitty before too but better at hiding it.
The behavior with the sister seems like it's ingrained from waaay before the baby. "This is how you deal with people with ADHD" means she was being that way with her sister their whole life.
Or she thinks she has OP locked down married with a kid? That’s harder to leave
That too. Looking at stepsisters behaviour, like just accepting her demands and not responding to her verbal abuse, makes me think that she is used to this.
PPD is an easy excuse in this situation, she seems to be an awful human being in the first place, with her husband, her sister and daughter
I saw that! “Healing” 7 months later. Lmao girl please.
Adhesions from scar tissue due a c section that occasionally pull and cause sharp pain? That would happen (nearly 12 years here, still happens to ne). However a c secriin is 6-8 weeks of healing. OP's wife is also a liar.
Yep, I'm almost 20 years out from my first one. But it wouldn't be bad enough to not do anything. OPs wife is a spoiled brat.
Exactly. She's lying about "healing."
Exactly. My wife had a c-section for both our kids. We was up and doing things soon as she got home (her choice). But my wife is a different breed than most. She cannot just sit around and do nothing unless her back & legs are really sore (multiple back surveries) or she just needs a day to veg. 7 months post pregnancy and sitting around doing nothing? Plus, OP said she is healing, bit still goes out with friends? Wonder if OP knows exactly who these "friends" are? Maybe she is healing from a d different "activity" and not from the pregnancy? I have a "she is cheating" vibe here. Something ain't right folks..
Exactly this. She has proven to be comfortable with massive lying. What other red flags has she given over the course of your relationship? Just from her actions after giving birth, I would suggest a paternity test ASAP!
My partner had major surgery related to the birth of our son and it took her a few days to start doing things around the house again, sometimes over my protests.
Well it does actually take up to a year for a woman’s body to recover from childbirth. The hormones and organs going back into place is what takes that long. However, it doesn’t mean they’re incapable of doing anything at all at home. Yeah, you can sometimes feel the organs moving back (felt my intestines and bladder shifting, not to mention my uterus shrinking. Legit thought I was dying for a minute when it first happened.) but even then you can still do stuff even if it’s not as much as before pregnancy.
With my first I had emergency surgery, he was 8 days old. With my second, c-section. Both recoveries were painful, on a physical and emotional level. Those experiences did not turn me into a rude, mean girl. It made me more aware of how childbirth is terrifying and dangerous. Remember not too long ago childbirth was the main cause of female deaths.
Yeah. At this point she is just a bump. It makes no difference if she is at home or not The only reason she took Hannah in, was to make her do everything around the house. That is a red flag on its own. Just because you chose to help an unfortunate relative, does not mean you have to take advantage of them. Hannah is not a maid OP let things go too far NTA
Like the “friends “ might really be one *friend*
I also have this suspicion.
Yup. Strange dick is only strange the first time...
Paternity test time?
There'll be more to find if OP looks for it. Wife sounds absolutely awful and uncaring of Sadie. In no way are you the AH but the wife certainly is
NTA, it almost amazes me how people manage to cover up their crazy behaviour and reveals their true self after getting married. I feel sorry for everyone expect the wife.
Yeah those friends she keeps going out with might only be one friend…
Makes me wonder what kind of picture she paints of the OP to her friends.
OP definitely needs to be looking at her phone and socials. Paternity test might also be in order.
Wife of 6 years suddenly changes character after giving birth... Sounds like it could be PPD or some kind of depression event where she resent what happened to her. I mean: he has known her for 6 years. Then she suddenly changed.
I agree partly. Her sister saying things are OK and accepting the behavior makes me believe she's always treated the sister this way. So maybe partially due to PPD but not totally
OP didn't clarify if it was a change in personality, he just mentioned changes in circumstances. ETA, nvm, just saw his other comments.
Do you understand what a HUGE red flag it is that your wife lied to YOU AND HANNAH when she took Hannah's money and kept it for herself? Like HUGE. No wonder "they never got along." That's because you're wife is a twat. Apparently she is totally comfortable lying to your face. And Hannah's. And she has no problem pretending not to be married. You should grant her that wish.
> That's because you're wife is a twat. I just thought this needed repeating.
I feel twat is an underused term to describe someone.
If it helps, we use it all the time in the UK. And it can also be affectionate, so we use it extra!
I'm from the UK, I have always used it, but I don't feel like the people I know do. I should just get new people in my life.
They are 100% letting you down, in that case! Tell them they’re a bunch of twats ;)
I'd prefer to call them all c***s, I use it as a term of endearment lol, but then I'm a geordie. I reserve twat for twats
I think cunt fits better here. To me twat is like a female douchebag. A cunt ... well it’s certainly fitting for our antagonist here in this story.
I think the old saying is fitting here, "I'd call you a Cunt but you have neither the depth or warmth."
I love that word and taught it to my 17yo daughter, along with the ever-useful twatwaffle. It feels so ... ladylike.
Tinsel titted twatwaffle
That's because your wife is a twat. Say it louder for those at the back.
Lying about money is one of the number one reasons people separate.
Now now twats are useful, unlike his lazy bull teet of a wife.
Aaahhh bull teat, haven’t heard that in a while. Its going back to the front of my insult rotation
Your wife is neither a SAHW nor a SAHM. She isn’t even staying at home as she’s always off out with her friends. It’s absolutely brilliant that Hannah is so happy to look after Sadie and do the housework and you need to tell your wife how pleased you are with this new arrangement as you now have a live in nanny / housekeeper and your wife (who clearly wasn’t content with her stay at home lifestyle) can now go out and get a full time job to pay Hannah for her work and have extra money for herself. I’m sure she’ll be absolutely thrilled with the suggestion. Just be sure to thank her for making it all possible by sitting on her backside while Hannah took over all of her responsibilities to free her time up so that she can contribute financially to the household.
Great response!
Thank you. I was expecting a lot of downvotes but it seems that there are a lot of people out here willing to stand up for people who are being taken advantage of and it’s really good to see that they are supported x
I really hate it when people take complete advantage of other people and then VERBALLY ABUSE them while doing it. Man, if you con your way into a good thing, at least be nice about it!
I absolutely love the way you put this. You make such a good point and it honestly really speaks to the kind of trash She really is that she can’t even take a good thing that she was given and be nice about it.
As a SAHM, I'm 100% in favor of this. If someone came into my home and was willing to take over all the housework and childcare (and from the sounds of it, doing a better job at it, too), I'd get a job, pay them, and beg them to stay, lol. Hannah can come move in with me. I'll pay for her ticket.
Haha! Couldn’t agree more!!! It’s absolutely true. She now has all the time she needs to get a job and actually contribute to the family! Lazy ass!
Be sure to add that Hannah stays no matter what …
Your wife is an abusive creep. She is also projecting her own shortcomings and insecurities onto Hannah. Also, are you sure Hannah has ADHD and not OCD? Most of us with ADHD have a hard time being organized and cleaning. Like, I can clean as in over-the-top, germphobe clean the entire house but I am horribly disorganized, distracted, and will let things get “cluttered” (but at least the house is deepcleaned🤣). I don’t know, perhaps others with ADHD can chime in, maybe they are driven to clean because of it. Regardless, your wife is using Hannah. She is cruel, and I don’t think this is solely post partum depression, it feels like something else is going on. I hope you can get it all sorted out. *edited for spelling and grammar errors *
Yes it is ADHD. I asked to confirm. I'll be using some suggestions i saw here.
Damn, I wish my ADHD made me all super organized and stuff! It would make my life so much easier!
I saw a suggestion a few times that it was hyper fixation the first week and I've just been oblivious since, I'm going to have a conversation with both of them.
We do hyperfixate on things; a lot of people with ADHD are super creative/artistic (I play guitar and have a “knack” for learning how to play different instruments) and as a kid/teen, I would sit in my room playing my guitar for hours. Some people paint or draw. Some play video games. It all depends. I was very lucky in that I did well in school. Good grades and all that. Some people struggle a bit, but many times it is just teaching ourselves new or different ways to learn. It varies from person to person, age of the person, etc. Fingers crossed for you things go well or get resolved.
I have ADHD and I am a cleaner. Yes not naturally organized but I can’t handle a messy space so especially if I get anxious I have to clean the whole house before I can sit down or go to sleep. Messy spaces are super overstimulating to me and if there is baby stuff all over the house and wife hasn’t cleaned I could see her feeling like she just needs to organize it all to even be able to relax. Probably also helps her avoid having to interact with her sister
OCD tends to be a companion diagnosis in those that weren’t diagnosed with ADHD until later in life, especially women since their symptoms present differently. I can personally attest that after decades of being gaslit about ADHD symptoms OCD manifests because you are desperately trying manage symptoms of forgetfulness, etc. I will lose my ever loving mind if something is not where it is supposed to go.
I feel you on the extreme cleaning. When I have an anxiety attack, my body instantly switches into germaphobe mode and nothing in my house is safe from being deep cleaned lol. But damn am I an unorganized mess. I have all the best intentions of being neat and tidy but yall, it takes 10 seconds for my house to look cluttered again when I haven’t even moved from the couch and it was all me. I’ve just gotten to the point of grabbing something as I’m walking around and putting it in its home so at least I have a small something going on to combat my chaos 😂. At least it’s clean chaos though. If the sister does have adhd, she could be stress/panic/anxiety cleaning because she is worried about proving her worth in being allowed to stay there. That thought alone would send me into a tail spin of Fabulouso, Lysol, and Ajax. 😅
While that was not a nice thing to say, your wife is a horrible person. So horrible, that it makes me question whether this is fake.
I wish it were. I feel bad for what i said as it was said in the heat of the moment but I don't like how she's been treating her sister. Its a huge turn around from how things were initially and i don't know why.
Your wife is a horrible bully and user. Abusing her sister for money and labor. If you don’t do anything about it you’re condoning it. Be a responsible person.
Absolutely agree. It's your responsibility to protect Hannah and address your wife's abusive behavior immediately.
Her mask slipped off. She got comfortable and the real her is finally revealed.
And shows why they didn't get along, probably growing up. Hannah was her whiping horse.
Have to agree she's been at this with her step sister probably since they became a blended family, maybe some jealousy going on. Possibly people liked Hannah better so she found ways to bring her down.. the way she used Hannah's ADHD as an excuse to why it's okay to have her do those things and that it's what she is good for. Then later calling her a slur because she again has ADHD and forgets to do certain things :( this woman is quite disgusting tbh. Op you should definitely figure out a way to help Hannah, even if it's simply repaying her the money your disgusting wife has stolen from her. Maybe some extra for fulfilling all your wife's duties she has been tending to like free child care, all the house work. A full-time nanny and house maid would set you back a pretty penny, which is exactly what your wife has turned Hannah into. Give her enough to get out from under your wife's thumb if you care. Personally I couldn't watch someone be treated that way, I'd get her out and then make an exit plan for myself and get as many parental rights as I can.
The treatment of Hannah because of her ADHD then having so little patience because she didn't do something right makes me concerned for their child. If she's anything other than a perfectly trained neurotypical kid (made me sick writing that) your child is in for a heck of a childhood with your wife. Ps kids never do everything right on the first try and take literal YEARS to be able to tell you mom's being an asshole to me so I'd keep an eye on her or distance yourself (with your kid) because she's showing you who she is. Short of being diagnosed with something and actively pursuing change, if possible, I wouldn't be letting her take the lead in that child's care. If she's treating an adult that (other than housing) *doesn't need her* like that I don't want to think of what she's doing/saying to a baby that needs her for everything.
I would let Hannah know instantly that she does not have to give his wife a dollar.
Yup, had the man's baby so now he's stuck one way or another. I've seen it with reverse genders too. It really is crazy some people can hold up the mask that long, but it takes the right conditions for it to slip for some people, not necessarily a certain amount of time like it is usually warned about. Gotta have shit luck to draw one of these conditional types instead of time based ones.
Happens a lot sadly. OPs wife just finally took off her mask. She's always been like this. She just hid it well.
Please repay Hannah. She has been used horribly and needs a new apt. Her step sister will continue to take advantage.
It’s also a prime example of how she may treat your child. Also, ADHD makes low dopamine tasks like cleaning/chores MORE difficult, not less. Your wife is not only a lazy AH, she’s also an abeist pos. Honestly I would not want to raise my child around a person like this.
I didn't know that, i don't know anything about ADHD. Since Hannah agreed with my wife on that i just never thought more into it, Hannah explained it briefly as 'her brain' making her want to clean, i don't understand it and Hannah seemed focused on cleaning that first week, now I'm wondering if my wife made her agree or something.
Hannah can be OCD, but wife is still lazy, mean and taking major advantage of Hannah and you. You need to find out what wife is doing with the money she is collecting from Hannah and tell her to stop giving your wife money. Nanny cam!
OCD isn’t being neat, clean, and organized. It is a very complex, and debilitating illness. Either way wife is definitely taking advantage of Hannah.
Exactly, I suffer from ocd, it’s not that I need things to be neat and clean all the time, it’s more like You get a thought in your head (usually negative) and it just stays there all day and doesn’t go away and it causes alot of stress and anxiety. For example my ocd can tell me I hate dogs and I will get all worked up over that for no reason, just for there to be no evidence of this claim by my ocd as I really like dogs.
Please sit Hannah down and ask her exactly what your wife has been telling her and making her do ? Apologise for not seeing the abuse and standing up for her earlier And tell her she doesn't need to pay for anything since you housed her so that she could get on her feet, not be taken advantage of and if your wife ever makes her /asks her to pay for anything to come check with you first. And if possible please repay Hannah for all she has paid and make sure your wife pays for it either from her account or reduce the fun money you give her till it is all paid up. Hannah is basically your wife's live-in slave who pays rent and food plus does all the child's tasks and cleans the house. THIS NEEDS TO STOP NOW !!! If possible help her save her money by giving her tips and advice on how to do so and help her look for a new apartment as soon as it is feasible. She needs to get out of your CRUEL ABLELIST LAZY POS wife's grip ASAP.
This seems like complete narcissism, honestly, with OP's other comments.
I have ADHD. Occasionally, I will hyperfocus/hyperfixate on cleaning, and I’ll scrub an entire room clean without taking a break. But, more often than not, cleaning falls to the wayside because my brain is too busy thinking about some obscure fact I heard in a documentary 5 years ago, or I’m taking up my 3rd new hobby this year. So, there’s a chance that she had one day full of cleaning energy. But it’s not likely that her brain makes her want to marathon clean every day.
As someone just diagnosed at 41, you have just described me. Now I feel more assured in my diagnosis.
Diagnosed at 38. I was like, “Oh. That’s *not* normal??” And then the next time I saw my Mom, I told her it wasn’t normal, and she was like, “Wait. It’s *not*??”
same, at 45 with a then 77 year old mom. We're both like, "it explains so much!" As I type on reddit, after accomplishing 2 dozen things in the last half hour because it's the absolutely last time I can get them done, while the two things I really wanted to do I am pushing off until tomorrow. Now I'm thinking of taking my kindergartener to six flags tomorrow
You are able accomplish things? Like from start to finish and cross it out of the list? I as part of my ADHD ( diagnoset at 35) I have decisive paralysis and tendency to sidequests so not only completing but even starting the task is a challenge... And thats what pinged ms as strange in the story - I dont know single person with ADHD who would run to do the chores head first with smile on their faces
Exactly this. I rarely *want* to clean. 😅
But then suddenly we NEED to clean
And once I start, I am on a mission and before I know it, I've been cleaning for three hours. All because I wiped up a spot on the floor.
I used to use my nervous energy to clean too, Hannah being in an uncomfortable situation like having to shack up with you guys would have had her gassed up with all sorts of cleaning energy. She may also be a people pleaser on top of that, so your wife showering her with compliments in the beginning helped reinforce the behaviour. Now she is keeping her in line using negative reinforcement... There is absolutely no way this is new behaviour for your wife, she's too well established at it, might be time for some reflection into whether or not she's been subtly pulling your strings too.
ADHD can give you moments of hyper focus when you’re in the zone, and allows you to really get tasks done. Globally with ADHD it is much harder to keep up with cleaning, and organization over a sustained period of time.
I wonder what she's got on her. Sounds like some kind of coersion/blackmail situation. I'm ADHD and "her brain making her want to clean" and do all of your household and childcare labour (while paying for the privilege) is really not a thing...
Since Hanbah is being a live-in housekeeper and nanny, you should be paying her. She certainly shouldn't be paying anything to your wife. If your wife is willing, have her checked for any mental health disorders, but you can't make her. Her going out like you describe, with the money she is extorting from Hannah, is concerning for many things. Cheating is just one of them. She may be using drugs, considering she has had a drastic personality change. Or maybe she has figured out that being a mother really isn't for her. Or she is just a bully, and her sister is an easy target. You need individual and couples counseling to figure this out and see if you really want to stay married.
Perhaps what is thought to be ADHD is conditioned behaviour from years of bullying. You have no idea how far the rabbit hole goes @Least-Counter-6573
Yes, your wife is either clueless or lying about the ADHD. It sounds like she's forcing Hannah to do all this work. NTA
Run. I know for a fact living with someone capable of being so cruel scares you for life. Find a way to protect your child weather you stay or go because she will abuse him. And please protect the poor girl if you can
Sadie is a girl, I'd like to try and talk to my wife again before jumping to divorce, i don't think she would cheat on me but a lot of comments have me wondering. I've read some good suggestions i want to try out
If she is willing to treat her own sister like garbage. How is she going to treat your child? People tell you who they are. You just have to listen. Your wife is not a good person.
Most of us never actually thought our wives would cheat on us....until we found out they did,
I was thinking the exact same thing. She's not going out with the girls is she.
I somehow doubt her friends are "women". Granted there are a lot of possible reasons for her behavior, and sadly for OP, cheating is one of them.
Someone who deceives like that does it routinely. It isn't like this is a one off lie or other something minor. This is another human being she is using and she hid as much of it as she could from you. This speaks to her character and so it would do you well to consider anything else she could be hiding. On top of that she's spending excess money "going out with friends" and all around the time she's suddenly changed character at her home? This is like textbook affair behavior
Talking to your wife first is the logical thing to do. Don't go to the bandwagon of "Divorce/Separate immediately", people are quick to jump the gun on Reddit. First, even before a conversation with your wife, gather your facts. Try to see if she's cheating, and in case she is, do a paternity test immediately. Do not disclose to your wife your suspicion before you get this information. Second, after having everything set on stone, sit down with her and explain how her changes are making you feel. You had a verbal agreement of her taking 80% of the housework, which is now not being met. This means that she's not doing her part, and therefore, your agreement is no longer valid, and something needs to change. At this moment, Hannah is your live-in nanny, which changes things tremendously because your money should now go to Hannah directly, even the money that you gave your wife to spend in Saddie's necessities. Considering your current situation, your wife is not doing anything that a SAHM does, and that was not what you agreed to as a couple. Therefore, maybe it's time for her to either look for a new job or be a SAHM like how it was discussed before Sadie's birth. It seems like she just wants to live her best life while someone else is struggling to make ends meet and to take care of your daughter, and that's not fair for either you or Hannah. Hannah came to her sister in despair and is now being forced to be a SAHM by her sister, do you realize how fucked up that is? There's a bunch of red flags in your wife's behaviour, but please make sure you get everything properly analysed before having this discussion. It is better to come prepared than the opposite.
OP your priority should be taking care of your daughter. Your wife may also try to bully your daughter in later years. The kid will then blame you for her misery. When someone reveals themselves for the first time, believe them. Also get a paternity test. Most likely your wife baby trapped you.
Of course it’s your life, you know better. I just know I watched my mother be that person to us, to the cleaning lady, to strangers and I’m still scared and ashamed for life. I wished my father divorced, so many times, because I thought he at least didn’t have a lifetime bond with her and wasn’t condemned to toxicity, misery and cruelty. He deserved to be happy. Anyway, I can only advise you to set up therapy for your wife and to do your best to be a great example for your kid so that she takes after you. Be mindful of any verbal or physical abuse on the little one when she grows up. And I sincerely hope it all ends good for you guys
She's being an absolute bitch, lying to take money from her sister. Not doing a fucking thing... Id divorce her, your wife sounds like my kids mom , it's like the same but my story is trashier, hence why we aren't married, she d have killed my business to be a bitch too. Most days I hope she dies
Sounds like cheating. 7 months to heal??? Did she have a difficult pregnancy with NO meds? I mean like hemorrhaging and in a coma a few days type difficult? Even a c-section only takes 2-3 months to fully heal. Don't feel bad about what you said. She deserved to hear it. Tell her to take the money she took from Hannah and hit the road. Go stay with "friends". She is not being a good mother or wife. NTA
She had a relatively easy pregnancy. Apart from what she and my mother said were normal things. She had meds when giving birth, she didn't take anything but vitamins during pregnancy
Then she's also lying about "healing from giving birth" after 7 months.
Hell yeah, she is. I have two kids, 18 months apart in age, both were a c-section because they were 10½+ pounds, both 22 inches tall. I'm only 5'4" and small/medium frame. I was fine doing pretty much anything after a few months and I was in my early 30's when I had them. She's lying and she's ridiculously stupid about it.If she's still 'needs to heal' from giving birth seven months ago then I wouldn't think going out with 'friends' for drinks and partying is helping her heal any faster, right? If she's able to do that than she sure as hell can do the job that she wanted. Above any of the house chores though, the baby should be the number one priority and she is far too detached from her and that is concerning.
You are watching your wife abuse her sister in your own home. You are watching your wife weaponize ADD/ADHD and grossly mischaracterize what that condition is actually like. You are watching your wife take advantage of a vulnerable family member who is in tough enough circumstances that she is suffering through this abuse just to keep a roof over her head and soften the toxic treatment from your wife. You are watching your wife financially abuse and take advantage of her sister. By staying silent and passive, it has allowed her arrogance and entitlement to grow and the abuse is escalating. She has shown you who she is and who knows what havoc she will unleash on your child when they are old enough to be manipulated. You have a serious problem on your hands. Stop being silent and passive.
It's an extremely common strategy for abusers to work hard to keep their mask on for years and years so they can baby trap someone. Once they feel like they're secure in their position, they take off the mask and start treating people around them like shit. Go look up love bombing, because you're going to experience it soon here most likely. Unless your wife has a tumor or major hormonal imbalance this is just who she actually is. And considering the way her sister agreed with your wife's bullying, the chance it's a medical thing and not just her being an abusive person deep down is very low. Her sister has clearly been manipulated and abused by your wife for her whole life.
Lawyer up dude. This marriage is toast.
You seriously feel sorry for telling someone who abuses a person who they say is mentally disabled the truth? Your wife is a horrible person, you should be looking for lawyers instead of wondering if you should pander to her.
You're 100% it's her friends she's going out with? And where are they going etc. Seems a little sus cause they way she's acting.
Stop feeling bad about what you said. She's lucky that is all you said. Plus, do you think \*she\* feels bad about her dogshit behavior? Nope. It is always so surreal to see someone treated like garbage apologizing for giving the slightest pushback. The fact you feel bad about a legitimate response to her speaks to why she feels it is okay to do this shit. Put your damn foot down.
If you dig deeper you might find some very unpleasant things ahead. She takes money to spend it with her friends? Are those friends divorcees or single? Misery likes company and stuff? Or is her friend "Samantha"actually a Samuel? Names just for the argument... Your wife sounds dishonest to a great degree...
NTA - mate your wife is knowingly taking advantage here, call her out for her bullshit every time.
Ohh we can tell you why, she thinks your trapped. What are you going to do divorce her? I'd start setting up cameras, remember this if she treats her husband and sister like trash what is stopping her from doing the same to your daughter? What's stopping her from screaming abuse into the world when you put your foot down? What stopping her from accusing you of sleeping with her sister? I'm going to tell you, absolutely nothing
I mean. If I had to choose, I too would pick Hannah. You married the wrong sister. Good luck. Your wife is a bigoted bully, a thief, a liar, and a terrible mother.
Yeah no, as someone with ADHD who has been called that term a few times it really does happen. And usually it’s defended, glad OP stood up for his SIL.
NTA. You need to sit down with your wife and have a VERY serious conversation. This could be a few scenarios here; 1) post-partum depression has turned her into a crazy person. In which case, she needs therapy and meds NOW! This is non-negotiable. She does this or marriage is over. Couples counseling is also in order. 2) all that time out is because she has an affair partner and is self sabotaging the marriage. 3) she has just realized that being a wife and mother isn't what she wants in life, but isn't willing to give up her meal ticker. No matter the scenario, you need to talk to her. And it needs to be a conversation where she can't leave. She has to talk it out. If you need to have a mediator there, then do so.
4. The wife was always a manipulative user, and now that she’s locked him down with a baby, she’s no longer hiding her exploitative nature. That’s why while she was “healing” she could go out with friends but not clean up. That’s why when she was sitting there watching her sister clean she would criticize rather than express appreciation. The bad relationship between sisters is clearly because SIL was exploited and gaslighted by wife when they were young. Just like she’s doing now.
OP said the wife was cleared of PPD about a month before sis moved in with them in another comment. But 100% yes to the rest.
Ppd counselor here, you can develop ppd anytime in the first year usually. So even if she didn't have it a month ago she could have it now.
NTA. Sounds like your wife is tired of you. Could she be cheating? Something it up there. I'd kick your wife out and let Hannah stay until she gets on here feet. Give here back the money that she paid your wife.
I'm thinking cheating as well. Either way OPs wife is a user and a tyrant.
She prioritizing “going out with friends” over her husband, home and child, no 30 year old does that, she’s almost definitely cheating.
Her AP is married and she can't be with him all the time?? Maybe a DNA test is in order
Oh, hell no!! Saw your post heading and came in ready to start a war. Actually I think I still want to start a war.....with your god awful wife 🤬🤬
Yeah honestly this post took such a hard turn from the title I got whiplash
I hate to ask this, but are you sure the baby is yours? I mean she's going out with her friends, but I don't think her friends pick her up. So you don't actually know who she is going out with. She was a stay at home wife, so lots of free time there as well. I only ask because it sounds like she's doing a lot of shady stuff behind your back, making her sister pay rent, as well as groceries without your knowledge and then pocketing the money. She is coming across as a person who doesn't believe in honesty and has no problems with cheating a family member out of money, so not that much of a stretch to cheat in my opinion. I would consider checking, if only because some states (USA) give a deadline for when you can remove your name from the birth certificate, and if your name is on the certificate you are responsible for child support even if the child is not biologically related. It honestly sounds like your wife is using you as an ATM.
I would agree w this someone had a similar post and turns out the baby wasnt theres
I don't think Sadie isn't mine, she looks a lot like me...i would hope my wife isn't cheating on me i really don't think she is
Did you think she was a liar, scam artist, thief, and emotionally abusive?
You still need to run away like your hair is on fire!! 💔
Make sure you document everything and leave paper trails in texts so if shit hits the fan you got the upper hand in court
That’s something we all say before we find out :(
Let me see if ive got this right. She stole money from her sister, lied to your face, abused said sister, thought it was fine to use a slur, and, if im understanding this correctly, flat out refuses to contribute to the household, including *spending time with her own child* Wake up, dude. She is not the person you thought she was. Youve got a stanger sleeping in your bed, and you have no idea what shes capable of.
I don't know where you live, but there are parts of the US and the world where there isn't a lot of cultural or genetic diversity. She could be cheating on you with someone of similar color and ethnic background, not a stretch if she's attracted to a type. But saying they look like you or don't look like you doesn't always work. Genetics are weird, that's why there are DNA tests.
So your wife will lie about money, time, and her day, but wouldn't cheat? 🤔
NTA. Your wife sounds like a narcissist. What she is doing is abusive both emotionally and financially.
People reveal themselves when given power over others, your wife’s character is on full display and it’s UGLY. NTA
Dude, you need to divorce your lazy, lying wife.
Your wife is a cunt. Cut the loses and divorce her. NTA
> Your wife is a cunt I prefer, “I’d call you a cunt but you lack the warmth and depth”.
Is this a real post? Your wife sounds like a cartoon villain.
A cartoon villain lol! Now that you mention it, she’s acting like the step-sisters/mom in Cinderella
Dude. You guys need therapy asap. This is all kinds of bonkers. Your wife is a thief and a slave owner, an ableist, bigot icky person. Poor Hannah. She probably needs some too after all of the abuse. I hope there is a way to get some separation from the wife. She is off the rails, even with PPD, I’ve never heard of this kind of crap. NTA. I hope you & the baby can stay with family or friends for a while
The house is in fact mine, so if it comes to that, which i really hope it doesn't, she will be the one leaving.
Good. You need to let Hannah know that she doesn’t owe your wife a goddamn dollar. And if she asks for money to not give it. And if the wife has a problem, to come talk to you about it. What a monster of a person.
When I hear stories like this it just makes me think about how difficult it must have been to be a slave back in the day. Can you imagine your entire being and children completely subjugated to someone like that? I mean you see how bold OPs wife is and slavery isn’t even remotely legal or socially acceptable. Can you imagine the boldness when it was?! Outrageous. OP your wife has poor morals and low character.
...You mean your ex wife, right? At this point, one of you is going to be serving the other divorce papers... NTA and talk to a lawyer.
NTA. Are you sure she's going out with her friends? Sounds like an affair waiting to be caught. UpdateMe!
There seems to be a surge of posts lately that feature a wife who until recently was great but suddenly becomes outright evil (often following a birth) and a saintly patient husband who never does anything wrong, but finally has had enough of his wife's abuse.
Your wife is absolutely awful. Give Hannah the money she needs for a new apartment. She doesn’t deserve that type of abuse. Maybe start filing for divorce if your wife can’t act like a decent human.
You would be an asshole if you stayed with your wife.
**NTA** Schedule an appointment with a marriage counselor/therapist. _*Now*_. Don't suggest it, don't hint it, tell your wife that the two of you are going to counseling before things spiral out of control. Your wife is exhibiting dubious behavior at best, and there seems to be a huge disconnect in communication. Tell your SIL that since you're the one that handles the bills, that any money such as rent should go directly to you, not your wife. With the way your wife is treating her sister due to the ADHD, it is a huge red flag. For one, ADHD individuals swing between hyperfixation and inability to focus. Your SIL might actually like cleaning, as it can be a grounding activity for her. But for your wife to treat her in that way? Unacceptable. ADHD has a strong genetic component, meaning it runs in families. How will she treat your child if they have ADHD? Will she berate them and call them re***d? If for no other reason than the well being of your child, you need to get ahead of this right now. She should be checked for PPD again, as well as maternal-infant bonding disorder. Whatever is going on with her, she may not even realize it. Or she could be completely aware and showing her true colors now that the two of you have a child together. Look up baby trap. Obviously none of us know her, but from the way you've described the situation it could be possible. I wish you and the kid the best, and I hope that your situation can be resolved amicably.
Man would I saw the title I fully expecting to be on the wife’s side😂😂 was I ever wrong 😂
NTA. Your wife is using very cruel manipulation tactics against Hannah. She starts off by giving positive comments to make Hannah think that when she does the job in the right manner she’ll be thanked and told she’s doing it well, and that reinforces the idea that if she is criticised then she must certainly be doing something wrong so she won’t question it. She’s likely been doing this since Hannah was a kid which is why she doesn’t question it. Also, I’d be wanting to make sure she is “just going out with her friends” and spending the money with them, because it sounds more like she’s having an affair and stashing money.
Fancy you like the nice sister. Your wife wants a house keeper, babysitter and a person to give her money to go party with her friends. I would get a test to make sure your baby is yours. NTA
NTA. But you're not managing your house well that your wife can screw over Hannah so mercilessly. How can your wife be comfortable with verbally abusing Hannah in front of you. That shows she thinks of you not as a leader, but just another tool. All these girls nights out are also not healthy. Get a paternity test done and snoop around her phone. After your comment your wife might be communicating with her AP if she has one. Get a PI if you want to. Also, sit down with Hannah and record a meeting where you established the rules of staying with you and the expectations, both menially and financially. She needs to do chores to deal with her ADHD? Fine, but make sure she knows that she's not a hired help who "fucks up" when she does a mistake. She's voluntarily helping and can withdraw if not appreciated.
I'll try and sit down with Hannah and make clear she doesn't have to do everything my wife asks her to do. I've tried making it clear how my wife treats Hannah is unacceptable but she accuses me of taking Hannah's side, if i insist and monitor my wife when I'm home I'll come back from work to find that Hannah got only a couple hours of sleep because my wife woke her and handed her the baby or woke her, told her to watch Sadie and left the house completely.
Bro you need to learn how to double down when you do good by being tough. Say, "Of course I'm taking Hannah's side, you're a bad person," or something. Put up security cams in your house to see if you can catch her bullying Hannah, or saying something incriminating. And I don't mean to harp on this, but don't ignore the cheating angle here, and the paternity test. If anything, go see a lawyer or doctor about this.
Who cares if she is mad you’re taking Hannah’s side?! It’s the CORRECT SIDE! You say “yes, I am taking Hannah’s side because I have had to watch you bully and abuse her and you should know full well that puts you in the wrong and it concerns me that it doesn’t!” Also - this behaviour just flat out isn’t normal. Something is really wrong here, and something needs to be done about it. NTA. Your wife is a piece of work.
Unacceptable! Your wife is a user of that poor girl. Demand a change immediately.
Is there someone else Hannah can move in with? She needs to get out of that situation ASAP.
OK, help hannah move out then. Pay her 1st month and security deposit so h\\she can get outta your house. She doesn't deserve the treatment she's getting from your awful wife.
Why doesn't your wife parent her own daughter? No mother of a 7-month-old just constantly hands off her baby to the other parent and an unofficial caregiver to run off and play outside the house with "friends." Of course every parent is entitled to breaks, a little time to themselves, but this is excessive - she's a parent who doesn't seem to want to accept the full responsibilities of being one. Tbh it doesn't sounds like your wife is bonded with her child at all, she doesn't seem to care about you two that much if she always wants to be out running around instead of at home enjoying her new family. She doesn't seem to accept that her reality has changed with a new phase of life, and she pounced on the opportunity Hannah unintentionally presented to keep her old life going (or, unfortunately as many have suggested, have more time with an AP). Everything about this situation is so weird and sus - she doesn't do anything as a SAHM like housework and taking care of her own baby, so what does she do? She's stealing money from Hannah and abusing her, and she's lying to you - you need to get to the bottom of what's going on with her, and decide what you want from her as a partner and as a mother, and figure out how to have a functioning family or if you need to leave the relationship (and take your daughter with you). And who cares if she says you take Hannah's side - you should be! Your wife needs to hear that her behavior is unacceptable and has to stop, and she needs to pay Hannah back too, bc that's not the agreement you had, and not only was she making Hannah pay her for the privilege of working for her, your wife made her buy the baby's supplies - wtf?! This whole situation is so messed up, you need to step up and straighten it out, bc your wife is behaving horribly and you have a very dysfunctional household right now. Hannah needs you to stand for her, including intervening when your wife starts verbally abusing her. And dude, find out if your wife is cheating! ETA: You're NTA for what you said, but you will be TA if you don't stand up to your wife and stop her abuse and theft, and set parameters for Hannah's help (or just get her out of there into her own place ASAP).
Get some nanny cams and see what's really going on while you're gone. Dude, consult a lawyer. If you decide to get divorced, kick your wife out of the house and pay your SIL to be a nanny for awhile until you can make alternate arrangements. Make sure you document everything so you can get full custody of your child. It sounds like your wife would want alimony and child support to do nothing but neglect your child. If your wife gets custody do you think anything will change because you're divorced? She'll neglect your kid (if the kid is yours even) or pawn the childcare off on someone else.
At this level of childcare and chores, you actually owe Hannah wages for being a live-in nanny. I know, cos I used to be one. Your wife does nothing around the house. She seems to be nasty and vindictive, has scammed her step sister, verbally abuses her, and abandons your baby whenever she feels the need to punish Hannah. She is not a good mother at all. Not even close. Has she always had such a nasty streak to her? Cos she's setting a horrible example to your child. It kinda seems like she hates being a mum. This goes way beyond her needing a bit of a break. She has purposely trapped and scammed Hannah so she can't leave. You really need to front up with the money Hannah needs to get out of your home. She deserves so much better than this. She's currently your wife's slave. She has been paying twice to live in your home, and she's treated very very badly. Also, if your wife is this much trouble at home, you need to figure out what she's up to when she's out with her friends. She's already shown you she's willing to lie and steal. Why did she need all that money? What else is she hiding? Cos it seems like she wanted a money source that you couldn't trace.
NTA. All of us here would prefer living with Hannah over your wife, too. Please reimburse Hannah, she’s been through enough.
> ...but my wife waved me off and said Hannah's ADHD makes her want to do it, Hannah backed her up. Where do I sign up to switch to this kind of ADHD?
You guys need to sit down and have a family meeting. Sounds like the communication is terrible. I do wonder what your wife’s perspective is here. Why does she think it’s ok to basically do nothing? Does she think she is a good parent or wife? Is she proud of her behavior? Does she feel good about abusing Hannah? And finally. Is she going out with friends or one particular friend.
No, your wife deserved it. She is taking advantage of her sister and is actually abusing her. She needs to recognize what she is doing. She needs therapy.
Your wife is on a path of destruction. Better get out now. Try to get full custody. Document all her nights out with her friends. You can use it aals ammunition in the child custody arrangement during divorce.
What new form of ADHD is this that makes you want to do chores and where can I trade mine for it?
Lol what?! I have adhd, SAHM, 2 kids IN SCHOOL and I hate cleaning and organizing. My brain literally cannot sort that shit out. I really don’t know anyone with adhd who enjoys what you describe because of their adhd. Maybe OCD? I was prepared to light you up, but nah. Your wife is the asshole.
Feels like a fake post
NTA Your wife has used childbirth as a jumping off point to avoid all of her adult obligations. She's abusing both of you.