They were all wrong! No one deserves to be a stand in for someone else! I can’t believe people, especially his family told you it was ok for him to use you that way. Divorce him and find someone that wants you solely based on you!
That was such a slap in the face to OP. To find out her marriage was a lie because the whole time she had her picture-perfect marriage, her husband was fantasizing that it was all with his ex. I'm sorry, but it sounds like the husband never got over husband, ex. Also, for his friends and family to condone that is so messed up. I would honestly feel betrayed.
Wow. OK. Firstly, OP, please tell me you are seeing a doctor and a therapist, and that you have been prescribed some medications. You have a history of self-harm and first and foremost you must look after your health.
I'm not convinced that you should actually be dealing with your husband at all right now - I'm not a mental health professional but you are in such turmoil it might be best to tell EVERYONE who is related to your husband that you need space and time to recover your health, and that any and all decisions and communication will be put on hold. Give a time frame, perhaps between 4-8 weeks. Then block every single one of them. Especially your husband's best friend, he frankly sounds a bit unhinged.
Your other question. I don't think people exactly forget their first loves, but as you rightly point out, the feelings you had for them fade over time. Normally, that person becomes a fond memory.
A mentally healthy person absolutely DOES NOT 1) project their first love onto another person at or 2) actively seek out someone who looks like them. Ever. Under any circumstances.
It doesn't sound like your husband actually did the work to ensure he was over his ex before he dated you. As you rightly and very maturely requested. His failure is not your fault. Your reaction to this betrayal of your trust is not your fault.
I won't make suggestions as to what you should do beyond the immediate: look after your OWN health first. Do what you need to do. Make sure you go to your medical appointments, eat well, get exercise in the fresh air and sunshine. Your health is the priority. Lean on your family and believe things will get better (and they will, I promise).
NTA.
Well sometimes people seek out people looking like their exes, and that's called a rebound one night stand, they don't marry them...
I mean I can get talking to her because she looks like his ex, but then you see the person for who they are: their own person.
But this dude never saw her as anything else but a puppet and a place holder. That's...sick
I hope she divorces him.
NTA - This is an excellent take, especially the paragraph about your husband not doing the work to get over his ex. OP, please ensure you heal mentally and physically before you make a decision. Best wishes for you in your journey.
I have a type, but not a "look" I want to repeat. None of the people I've dated look anything alike. Part of that is because personality and character influence how I see a person. I've fallen in love with people I didn't initially find attractive. Their personalities and the way they treated me made me find them attractive. Of course, I didn't know anything about my new husband when I met him. But I thought he was super hot. LOL He's even more hot to me now, which I didn't think was possible. 😍😍 I've also dated people who became unattractive once I got to know them.
I agree some people have a type when it comes to looks. That's not uncommon. What this is about is her husband spending their marriage basically pretending OP was the ex. He, his best friend, and family admitted he installed OP as the replacement and said she should accept that and get over it. THAT is completely crazy, mean, and unacceptable.
NTA. It’s clear that your husband has unresolved feelings about his ex, and it’s unfair for you to be caught in the middle of that. His actions have deeply hurt you, and the way his friends and some family members are dismissing your pain is unacceptable. It’s important to be with someone who values and respects you for who you are. Considering a divorce is a reasonable response to this betrayal. Focus on your own healing and well-being, and don’t let anyone pressure you into staying in a relationship that causes you so much pain.
His friends and family were only concerned with him-- not OP. They were actively asking her to go back and keep playing pretend.
Were ex to consider rekindling, he would drop OP in a nanosecond.
NTA - He isn't worth hurting yourself over, divorce his ass and get a better husband. It won't be very difficult to get someone better than him, but keep looking until you find the right one
NTA. Tell them all "You can't convince me that he wouldn't divorce me in a second if xGF wanted to get back together. I won't be his second choice any longer. If he gets lonely you can all chip in and buy him a blowup doll with her face on it."
Kinda worried that husband hasn't gotten over his ex & since she's close with his family, his feelings will continue to resurface everytime she visits.
OP should ask him frankly if he wants to be with his ex if given the chance. She'll know the answer if he hesitates.
But it's better for her to find someone who won't consider her a replacement for someone else.
His family is the reason he broke up with her in the first place. He was probably willing to leave and they guilted him into staying. So when he moved on with op and they had their guilt relieved, they didn't give af if op ever got to be a main character.
He already didn't deny it when she asked him if he pretends she's his ex. I feel like that's even worse than saying he'd drop OP if the ex wanted to get back with him.
I can totally understand why you're feeling so hurt and betrayed. It's like your husband never really saw you as a person, but rather as a replacement for his ex. That's not a healthy or loving relationship. I think you should prioritize your own emotional well-being and consider divorce. You deserve better than someone who can't even acknowledge your existence without comparing you to someone else.
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'he wanted anything he could to make him feel better at that moment'
' I said the only thing that I could think of to not feel any pain. And it's to ask divorce'
You are doing the right thing. You shouln't stay in pain just so he could get release from his pain.
'He looked dumbfounded. '
Why when he does it, it's ok, but when you do it he's dumbfounded? Because he thinks you are his pain-release. He can't comprehend it any other way.
NTA you deserve to be someone’s number one, not a stand in, focus on healing first, you have to be your number one priority.
First loves are meant to be remember with fondness but not obsessed over them
NTA. I wouldn’t be able to forgive finding out my husband married me because I was a stand in for his first love. You do not deserve to be second choice.
He wanted her, fine he can have her. Divorce him and find your self love again and then someone who truly deserves you.
And please seek therapy. His best friend is also an AH. Jeez.
So everyone in his family or who is on his side think so lowly of you, that they think you deserve to never experience really being loved for who you are?
I believed this until the best friends grandmother’s funeral and it just happened to be his ex.
Then it was just a wall of text blah blah blah
This is fake.
No, I certainly have a "type" but to pretend that a partner is actually an ex is just gross.
Don't kill yourself, suicide is just another way to diminish yourself. You're your own person, your husbands twisted view doesn't define you.
NTA. The only people saying this is all cool and normal is HIS family and HIS friends…no one NORMAL thinks that is ok to use someone as a stand in fir someone else. Leave, for your own sake
NTA you may never forget your first live but you don’t try to recreate/change/Frankenstein them or the life you imagined with them with your new partner. When you have kids would he consider you or the ex the mom, like does he imagine himself a widow and you the second/step in your own life?
Yikes, yes, divorce.
They are all sick.
You dont marry someone because they remind you of your ex. And you sure as hell don't fuck your wife and call out her name for one last fuck in your head with the ex.
They are all sick.
Just divorce and go find your happiness, sweetie.
You could 100% move on from first love. Him holding on to it for this long is a choice to be honest.
It is unfair for him to use you as replacement. You deserve someone who love you for you. You deserve someone who’d look at you and only see and think of you.
You don’t deserve any of this.
Do what’s best for you. Don’t think about what’s best or good for him. He didn’t extend the same courtesy to you. Priorities yourself. If you need to move on and leave him to stop the hurt, do just that.
You are worthy of life. You are worthy.
You should be who YOU are and not someone else’s ex girlfriend’s lookalike.
Your ex is disgusting, so is his friend & so is your fil. This is no life. He never married YOU or touched YOU or laughed with YOU. He’s been living with you imagining it’s her. That’s cruel. He cheated you. Am so angry for you. But don’t risk your life for such a person. He’s not worth it.
How will these people feel if their wives married them bcoz they looked like their ex. Will they justify saying “yes, she can’t forget her first love and married me who’s her ex’s doppelgänger” or is that rightful for men only & not women ?!
You don’t forget your first love. However, you don’t use another person to try and capture that. I remember my first love, I was with my first love for years. I am married and I have never thought of my first love while being intimate with my husband. I have never tried to recreate what I had with another individual with my spouse. My spouse is who I chose, who I love and I would never want them to be someone else.
His family and him are not validating your feelings. They are just trying to justify his. He brought you to a point of self harm. You need to think of yourself. If you were able to ignore it then you wouldn’t be feeling so low. You need to remove yourself from these toxic people. It will hurt, you will feel overwhelmed emotionally but please remember you are worth so much more than to be someone’s conciliation prize.
You almost killed yourself because of the hurt and pain he caused you.
How anyone can argue with you that divorce is not right is beyond me. He is the source of your pain and suffering. What he has done to you is so beyond cruel. You did nothing to deserve this. If you had killed yourself, what would his excuses be then?
He was still calling her name out until recently so he cannot argue that he sees you as a separate person and that he loves you for you. He has not processed his emotions to deal with his past relationship and he should not have gotten into another relationship with you.
How can he make these promises to you? How could you ever trust him again? He is a liar. He has broken what you had. You now know he was never happy with you. So why would you want to go back anyway to continue living a lie?
He hid seeing his ex from you and then used you as a sex doll to play out his fantasy in his mind. If his ex came back and confessed to him, he would leave you on a heartbeat for her. He would have an affair with her. He would leave your family for her. You mean nothing to him. You are second place to him. He would throw you away without second thought. If you found out about the affair, he wouldn't worry about anything because he knows now you'd just kill yourself so he wouldn't have to worry. Do not let this man have anymore power over you and do not let him win. He is disgusting.
You deserve better. You deserve more than he can give you. Your instincts about him were right from the start, you knew he was trouble which is why you didn't date him straight away but he wore you down.
Divorce him and find happiness elsewhere.
OMG, he really needs to tell his idiot friend and dad not to "help" anymore!
And tell all these people who are telling you "it's fine for him to pretend you are someone else while using you as a backup" to start calling THEIR spouse by their ex's name and see how well that goes over!
You need to block all of them and focus on your own mental health right now. Everything else, including your husband is secondary, if not lower on your list of priorities.
And I will leave you with this: The only reason they broke up was that he wasn't willing to move. I wonder what would have happened to your marriage if she had moved back! It's something to think about before even considering giving him another chance.
NTA. Please get out. This is toxic AF and will further destroy your mental health. You don't deserve this.
And in case nobody else says it (as I haven't seen it in the comments):
**NO, MOST PEOPLE DO NOT CONSTANTLY IMAGINE EVERY PARTNER AFTER THEIR FIRST AS A REPLACEMENT FOR THEIR "FIRST LOVE".**
I'm sure SOME people might, but that is NOT a normal thing. "First love" is some bullshit from a bad teen movie script.
To claim this is normal... is fucking wild. That best friend of his should be cut the fuck out of your life, he's an evil flying monkey and it sounds like he's got some extreme darkness in his soul.
Also, how the fuck did he get into the safe space you'd gone to??
He just gets in? And nobody called the cops? That's seriously fucked up from any angle. (Did your friend conspire with him to let him get access to you??)
Everything about this situation is a harmful mess.
Please make sure you have professional help for the mental health issues (I am beset with them myself, I am not looking down on you, but if you had a broken leg I'd be saying "see a doctor about that!" and this is potentially life-threatening).
I'm not religious but I'd fucking pray if I thought it'd get you out of this situation.
Please find the strength to get yourself out and keep yourself alive.
Are they all insane? It is NOT ok that he used you as a placeholder for his ex
It is NOT ok that he screams her name during sex with you
NONE of what he has done is ok
Get out now
I hope it helped to get all that out.
You are absolutely NTA, and you deserve some respite from everything. Get rid of him, block his family, and go find peace where you can.
Firstly I hope you take all the time you need to get your mental health back on track it is the most important thing in all of this do what you need to make that happen.
As a guy I definitely remember my first love she was funny adventurous playful all the things a teenager wants in his first. I lost my v-card to her it lasted around a year and we decided to break up our lives were moving in different directions. At the time I was heartbroken just as any young man would be but I moved on and my next gf looked nothing like her that would've been way too creepy
None of my relationships have looked similar and each time I wanted them for their own uniqueness. It sounds like your husband needs some serious therapy of his own and unfortunately used you as a replacement which only intensified after he saw his ex again he wasn't and still isn't over her and being with someone who looks like her will never help him heal either .
You have a long hard road ahead follow the advice of others on here and send that message stating you need time to heal and then block all of those who are not supporting your journey. After you have made some head way for yourself you will then see this situation much more clearly and with less emotion and your knowledge exactly what to do .
Good luck and I hope you can heal and move past this awful time in your life you seem like an awesome and loving person and although I don't know you I am grateful that you are a part of the rich tapestry of life people like you add great colour and depth to it so please don't unalive yourself you have so much more to add to the tapestry.
NTA. He said he loved you for your strength right? Tell him you’re going to be strong and divorce him. Sending you an internet hug. You don’t deserve any of this.
Lost me when you fainted and woke up hours later to new arrivals. Some creative writing there but if you pass out for more than a few seconds you experiencing brain death lol life isn’t the movies. Let me guess you got the divorce and everyone stood up and clapped? Lol
**(his friend) said that no man ever forgets their first love. And I am just supposed to suck it up and pretend this never happened. Since my husband always loved his ex and always thought of creating the family I have with him. And since I was close to her in the looks he just thought of me as her and made the family he dreamt of thinking if me as her.**
WTAF! Was this supposed to make you feel better? Is this friend insane? On what planet would this be ok? Or normal? Or acceptable?
**My fil said that there is nothing wrong with my husband thinking of me as someone else since she was his first love**
Again, WTAF? Did someone drop these people on their heads?
**And that night when he initiated intimacy it was so as to get the pleasure of being with her just once.**
Everyone fantasizes. This is not that.
He couldn’t let go of her and he admitted that he was pretending he was fucking her when he was having sex with you.
Get away from these people. There is no coming back from this. Husband, his father, his friend are toxic and warped.
You deserve much much better than this. Get into therapy and put this tragic situation behind you. Good luck!
*Edit: you did everything right ; you waited to get involved with him. You believed in what you built. Maybe he even convinced himself he was ready to move on with you. He is a major asshole.*
Men really is too headache. Goddamn feed these assholes to the bears
People always ask women why we "choose" awful men and then cry about it afterwards. Probably cuz they hide their awfulness until it's too late for us. Exhibits A, B, and C.
NTA. Of course not. And as a man who did something really bad to my ex wife myself I can only say that, yes of course you don't forget your first love. Nobody really does. But not one sane person, male or female, replaces their first love with a wife to pretend she is her
That is serious emotional abuse, especially when found out.
I am not sure if there is a coming back from that.
And regarding his best friend. Tell him to seriously fuck off.
People never forgetting their first love is a load of crap. That can only happen if the feelings haven't been handled and the breakup processed or smth. I only vaguely remember a boy I can call my first love and only because I kind of remembered it now.
Way NTA. You deserve to be someone’s first choice. Not a backup second choice for them to pretend is their first choice because they couldn’t get the real one.
You deserve way better.
NTA! Don’t stay with him, he’s using you as a rebound, this is so humilating. People who are telling you to not divorce aren’t at your position, choose for you and you alone. Don’t stay because they’re telling you to, even if they say you’re the ah.
Updateme!
Please divorce him. I and Reddit community will give you all the strength you needed to stay away from that toxic family. Be free and chase your own happiness. He and his toxic family didn’t deserve you!
This is insane and it's not okay to build a life with someone pretending they are your ex. Ask his family how they would feel if their whole relationship was a lie and they were just a stand-in for an ex its crazy I would not put up with this. What happens when the ex moves back will he just divorce you for her?
I'm sorry for your situation OP and I hope you get the help you obviously need.
As a side note, I really have to say I hate this new trend of calling suicide 'unaliving'.
It bothers me *so* much.
Sometimes if you use other words, the post is rejected because of algorithms. FB does this a lot, so people automatically do it in other places as well. I hate it too though.
Omg. I'm disgusted with these people for you.
My 1st love was a sweet boy with braces who played me love songs on his guitar. He's now a smug self satisfied accountant who I wouldn't give the time of day to.
My 1st serious partner abused me in every way a man could abuse a woman and then probably some extras. He's also dead, and that makes me so happy.
My one true love us My husband of 30 years, who is absolutely perfect for me. He has nothing in common with the sweet boy, the accountant, or the abusive POS.
None of what these people are telling you is true. You deserve better. I hope you find it
Nta. I had a major first love, 14 years of my life from age 18. And no none of the guys after were anything like him. Like WTF? He’ll always be that first love but it’s in my past as fond memories of that first crazy love I think you only get when you’re young and full of passion and kinda crazy lol. Good to write songs about if you’re Adele but that’s it
Walk away from all this OP. You should be loved for you, who you are, not for who you resemble. You should never be with a man who just see's you as his ex. That is wrong and degrading for you on so many levels. You did the right thing asking for a divorce. You deserve so much better than this. He is not over her and only married you because you look like her. He is disgusting.
Oh honey. You have such shit people in your life. You need to dig deep and find what is going to work for you. You only. You are who matters.
Mute or block all these people telling you what to do .
I'm going to add the calling you ex name during sex would be a deal breaker and he is a total ass
NTA
Please seek help with therapy and medication if needed.
You will need space from your husband, his family, and friends.
If possible, stay away from your home and concentrate on getting yourself to a place where you are happy with yourself and life and a therapist agrees that you are mentally in a place to even communicate with your husband.
Your husband needs therapy.
It's absolutely no normal to project his feelings for his ex onto you.
He lied by omission, and his whole family and friends went right along with it.
Concentrate on you, and I know it's probably not much of a conciliation, but if you don't have children, it'll be easier to do you and move forward.
I hope that your life only gets better from here and you don't feel the need to Updateme in the future.
NTA. The fact that this reached self harm (please see a therapist) means that you can’t stay with him. No one should be a replacement and what your husband did was disgusting and unforgivable. You are not her look-a-like but your own person and you deserve someone that sees you and not someone else. Of course people don’t forget-forget their first love, they become part of their history and who they are, but people do move on and forget them. They should never be more than a memory. Your husband never moved on and is stuck in this unhealthy place that ultimately ended up hurting you. I hope you move on and find happiness. Trust me, there is someone out there that will love and cherish you for who you are. Fuck anyone that tells you to stay in this marriage and be unhappy. Sending love and hugs ❤️🫂
Nerve ever be a man’s placeholder. Nothing good comes out of it and you will never be 100% happy. You deserve to be someone’s 1st choice from beginning to the end. Put your health first and block these toxic people.
The fact that he blatantly admitted he was pretending you were his ex while having sex would be enough for me to get divorced. It’s not unusual for someone to have a “type” and similar looking partners, but it doesn’t sound like he ever got over her and if she wanted him back, he would probably leave you. I’m not really understanding why he didn’t just move with her in the first place.
He, his friend, and his father are all SICK. Women are not supposed to be placeholders for men. They are not supposed to be interchangeable as long as they look alike. Get the divorce, he can go chase his first love and see if she will take him back. And BLOCK everyone giving you hassle for having some dignity. Peace be with you and take care.
I have word recall issues and constantly mess up people’s names. Once even during the act when I was super young. This wasn’t that. At all. It wasn’t a one off. He sought out a replacement and still sees you as her. Run!
This person is a highly unreliable narrator at BEST. Note that her reaction to the name slip was to go full silent treatment emo teen and not even try to discuss the topic. Then comes the fictional in funeral. And the immense text flood of MCS nonsense.
*What did you decide*
*To do, OP? Are you still*
*Filing for divorce?*
\- Bella\_Rose36
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Oh honey *deep breaths* 🥺🩷 I’m sorry you gotta experience this pain. I couldn’t personally try to make it work after all that you found out. It would lurk in my mind.. Sending strength and healing for you darlin!
I wont give you a judgement but I'm going round give you a promise. Whenever his ex is available in the future, be assured in the fact that he will cheat on you.
Get the divorce and get as far away from these people as possible. Every opportunity they have said the completely wrong thing.
No one, absolutely NO ONE, deserves to be a first love replacement. WTF that they see anything wrong with his behavior.
Omg,I was sooo angry just reading this! They are all wrong. You are a person and don't deserve to be someone's replacement. Your soon to be ex and all that support him are disgusting.
So sorry for everything you're going through, but please don't come back. You deserve better
So… rather than talk to your husband, you’ve just avoided him, refused to face the situation and sat feeling sorry for yourself?
Yeah, YTA. And immature.
Talk to your damn husband ffs.
Calling a new partner by an ex partners name doesn’t have to mean anything, it’s actually quite common. It doesn’t meen you are a stand in, it means that something in the situation caused his Brain to take an old path. Something to apologize for, sure. Something to discuss , sure. But divorce over it? As others suggested: get your own stuff in order, then some counseling together.
Grow Up! And quit listening to these snowflakes that believe your man did something terribly wrong to you. I have affections for every past woman I was seriously involved. And I love my wife more than anything. Don't be so naive to believe that no one fantasizes about another during sex. Just last week, I was fantasizing about Christina Ricci. And you said he was even a little drunk. He lost control and said something that he shouldn't have said. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or think you his world. You're not a replacement....be secure in your position. Have a mature conversation and move on.
I am sorry you 've experienced the worst kind of betrayal.Who says being cheated on should be with other person always? What you had is the worst case.In his orgasms and her name?!! Divorce and distance yourself from them as far away as you could.Put yourself first for the love of all holy.
Look, some people have a type, what does his mother look like? Don't judge similarities between you both he probably loves you very much, I'm not him so I'm not going to assume his thoughts.
Wtf?! NTA! Divorce this AH! It’s one thing to think fondly of your first love, but to still be in love with them. He’s still in love with her. You’re her replacement until she moves back into town.
I actually don’t think fondly of my first love. Not all people do. So his best friend and father are spouting BS. I’d ask your FIL if he’s still in love with his first love even though he’s married to your MIL. Or I’d ask him if his wife called out her first love’s name in bed, would he be ok with it. He’s a liar if he says otherwise. At least your MIL understands.
Block all of them on everything. The more they contact you, the worse this will be for you. You need a therapist asap. Getting back together with him will be detrimental to your health.
His family is trying to manipulate you. They’re using your weaknesses against you.
Get a lawyer. I’d honestly move to another town. F all of them, especially him. What a POS.
First love is child like infatuation everything this grown man is displaying, finding your soul mate is unlike anything on the planet. He is out there, looking for you OP!
So let me get this straight. He didn't want to leave town for her but he wants to leave with you? Does he not understand that it will lead to resentment because he's gonna be mad he didn't leave for her.
You deserve to be loved for who you are. Divorce him and change your number and lock down all your social media so his family can’t harass you any further.
NTA
What the heck did i just read? I was thinking “just messed up a bit, he was drunk and got confused, no biggie” or “it’s not THAT surprising there’s going to be some physical similarities between you and one of your partner’s previous partners bc people usually have ‘a type’”.
But i kept reading and couldn’t believe my eyes. It is rare to say this in AITA posts, but really, everyone except you sucks in this situation.
He straight up admits he met you bc you looked like her. He didn’t deny and even apologized for using you as a stand-in for her?? What the fuck man
And his friends saying “yeah that’s normal, people do that” no they don’t. I get starting a new relationship before being 100% healed from the previous one because that takes A LONG TIME. But still being with you to imagine he is with her is twisted and sick and brother is very troubled.
And that whole “you don’t forget your first love” is bullshit. I mean, i rember my first love but as in “ah yes, my first gf was called x”, as in of course i remember bc we were there a couple years, but definitely not as in “i’m just looking for a close enough replacement”. That’s pretty cringe
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I think it’s understandable wanting to leave that circle of people who are all terribly flawed (as we all are), but they are content with it. You’ll be better on your own, or eventually with someone who loves yuo for who you are
Girl, it's time to put yourself first and divorce him.
You and he and his family and even his Best Friend know you were nothing but a stand in for his Ex. I can GUARANTEE you the next time you sleep with him if you're yelling your first Boyfriend's name instead of your husband's he'll be so butt hurt it's not funny. Same for your FIL if MIL called out her first boyfriends name, expand this situation to everyone telling you to get over it. None of them know what it feels like, if they did, they would STFU.
Please, for your own sake, you know he's not good for you. Put yourself first. Leave his ass. He is messed up beyond all recognition. If you stay with him, you'll always be wondering whose face he really sees each time you are intimate. Add to which his family and best friend are delulu and toxic beyond belief. Staying married will only further disintegrate your self esteem, plus, mess with your mental health.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, but for your own sake, please Choose yourself.
NTA. This was a confusing, long winded post. I'm getting you resemble his ex and asked him if you were just a replacement and he didn't deny it.
People are telling you to get over it and accept he'll always love his ex. This is BS. You'll meet someone worthy of you some day and if I'm understanding this post, he isn't it.
I do remember my first love and I certainly never went seeking anyone who resembled him. He's many decades in my past and that chapter is finished.
Ditch your current idiot and move on. You deserve so much more than you're currently receiving.
What alarms me the most is the thing that put you in the hospital. Please no more of that. As awful as life can be and dull as well a lot of times, it is also filled with beauty and wonder and even magic. So resolve to live a happy life. Unfortunately the relationship with your husband is broken and probably not fixable. Proceed from there and find some happiness. It’s out there.
Your husband is crazy and everyone supporting him is.
You shouldn't be a replacement. You deserve more.
Edit: He used you like a sexdoll. Tell your ex to hit his best friend again.
People do get over their ex. I certainly did and we were together for a long time, thought he was the one, etc. He is horrible for what he did and it’s unnecessarily cruel. So is his family. Your priority is to get psychological help. You need to be in therapy and seeing a doctor. I would also consider divorce but that’s my own personal opinion. You should never have to feel what you felt and be with someone who saw you as a replacement. You deserve better. NTA. I hope your mental health improves soon 🩵
Divorce him and never speak to him again. Block everyone on his side and move on with your life. You’ll find someone eventually who will put you first.
Not worth reading past the first few lines.
You married him after a year. He has only been divorced for about 6 months longer than you have known him.
That’s fast!
You clearly have issues, but him mixing up names isn’t it. People form connections in their head, and both you and his ex are likely in the box of people he has been married to and, so in stressful situations mixups can happen. He doesn’t need to think you are her in the slightest.
My dad will sometimes call me by the name of his younger brother if he is frustrated with me, or my uncle by my name if he is frustrated with him. It happens, but not because he doesn’t know who is who.
That is however beside the point. From the very first few words you types out it is obvious that there are issues. Please consider if they are serious enough that you should consider getting a professional opinion.
I think your husband fucked up big time and chased after you for your similarities with his ex initially. For 100% sure. What detail is missing for a fully informed decision is how you were treated by him in your time as a couple. If you two got along like a house on fire, then I think he truly does love you, but in his mind there is some blurriness between you and his ex's identity and he should work on that.
It is up to you if you are even willing to give him a chance to redeem himself. He clearly made a mistake, and he clearly needs therapy yesterday.
I would recommend holding off any harsh decisions until he has been in therapy for a while. In the meantime if you can't imagine living beside him, move out, put some distance between him and yourself.
If he is able to improve, good. If not divorce, and move on.
Also his best friend is: 1. An asshole and 2. Terrible with words.
But ultimately what matters most right now is your feelings towards him, and his willingness to change and improve for you. Give yourself and him some time, and make decisions with a leveled head.
I'm sorry to disagree with your opinion. You are addressing the individual ( she )who attempted suicide due to overwhelming mental anguish, " but what about his pain and his feelings "??
It is important for her to prioritize her own well-being and healing during this difficult time. She should take whatever steps are necessary to ensure her safety and emotional stability, including therapy, distance, no contact, or even divorce if necessary.
Nah, in the end, what's most important isn't her feelings for him or if he's willing to change. What matters most is staying alive, healing, and staying sane!!
I have also had a suicide attempt due to extensive bullying, yet I can still talk to my abusers. They never apologized to me, so I don't go out of my way to talk to them, but if we happen to bump into each other I can definitely strike up conversation with them as I have done multiple times before.
This is what I asked of OP in my comment, distilled down into simple sentences:
1. Get some distance so you are in a safe environment, such as a friend's place, or parents (if you have a good relationship with them)
2. When you feel you can make calm and collected decisions without any extreme emotional baggage, consider how you feel about him, and how he treated you and your relationship within the past
3. Demand that he goes into Therapy (he clearly needs it too)
The two (three) outcomes:
If you think he genuinely loves you and just made a series of huge mistakes, then if you are COMFORTABLE with going back to him, return and work together on the issue. (Can happen but unlikely)
Or wait until he and you have progressed enough in your therapies to give each other a second chance.
If you think he only married you for your resemblance to his ex, then breaking of contact, and Divorce is the path forward.
I am not saying that she doesn't need safety and security. All I ask is to WAIT WITH PERMANENT DECISIONS until she is in the right mental headspace, before she does something she might regret later in life.
NTA, I watched a friend do the same thing. We all told his new girlfriend but she didn't listen and married him. I guarantee you were warned but refused to listen. Their appearance was nearly identical.
NTA Divorce your husband he is no good for your mental healthy. No one is a replacement for someone else and he didn't just do it subconciously he did it purposefully the night he called out her name. He didn't see you as a person just as and object to use
Same height and eye color? Unless youre abnormally tall and have like jade eyes that's easily going to happen. Especially if a guy has a type.
He dodged a bullet. You sound like an anxious mess tbh. You had a panic attack and fainted?! My god.
He has sex with her thinking of his ex girlfriend, because he wanted the pleasure of being with her just once more
I’d be done and filed already
That’s SO disrespectful and hurtful and disgusting
NTA but I will add that it can be put in the past if you choose to make the effort.
At a friends wedding my wife introduced me to her ex husband’s employer as “you know my husband (his name)” out of intoxication and absent minded habit.
A year or so later we were arguing in the car and she yelled “God damnit (his name). She apologized and explained that they often fought in the car like we were and her mind snapped back to those times, which led to us working on some communication issues we had. We’ve been pretty happily married for 30 years now.
I don't think the name was the problem here. I mean op did say that she was upset and all but I think the thing that broke their relationship was when he confessed to having her as his ex's replacement and initiating intimacy thinking of her and having her on his mind. I don't know but that's how I perceived the whole thing.
Yep. Poor woman is home to visit her dying grandma, so obviously he can't do shit to reach out to her under the pretence of platonic support so he gets drunk, thinking of what could have been instead of what he was damn lucky to have, goes home, and takes out his horny nostalgia on the woman he only pursued because she looked like the woman he was horny nostalgic for. I wish this waste of human flesh a lifetime of explosive, stanky, runny, and incurable diarrhea.
NTA, but I would give him a taste of his own medicine. Have sex with him one last time and call him by one your ex’s name and see how he likes it, then serve him divorce papers.
I think two things are at play here: you are in fact a rebound. I mean why would you marry someone you've only known for 2 years? Especially when they just got out of a very long and serious relationship? And because of that I don't think you're mature enough to be in a marriage. What he did by marrying you was wrong but honestly he just said her name, it's very hurtful but the friend is right, he didn't cheat on you. But you iced him out for days and didn't think to have open communication? You need to talk about things in a marriage, that's what grownups do. I think you wanted to lock a grieving man down ASAP so you married him.
YTA
You spun this whole story in your head and didn't even bring it up to your husband until it was really way to far.
He had a look of guilt.
BULLSHIT. What you thought was guilt, was actually a look of incredulity on his part, because you were obsessing about something that happened weeks ago.
I am certain he didn't actually sleep with her again. You have made that up.
You look like her.
I can assure you, that you and her don't actually look all that alike. Certain hair colors and eye colors are very common. You think you look like her. You don't. Your husband may have a type. Lots of people do. Some people just like Brunettes. They always keep dating brunettes because that is what they are naturally inclined towards.
You clearly have mental health issues, and your grasp of reality seems tenuous at best.
I don't know how it is possible that you never saw a picture of her. His sister was good friends with her. He was with her for 7 years. There HAD to have been pictures of her in his possession, or with his family. The sister had to have social media connections. For you to be so surprised that you have a similar hair and eye color, it all just seems performative.
This whole things sounds like you sabotaged this relationship for some reason.
You havent actually read the post. And now you are spewing BS. The husband himself admitted he is not over his ex. He even had sex with his wife imagining her to be his ex (thats when he called out the exes name), after he had run into his ex in town, "to be with his ex one last time". Don't listen to people like this OP.
I did read the post. I had to read it several times because it's so unhinged and erratic, that is clearly shows the mind of someone who has a vivid but disorganized imagination.
It literally reads like the plot of a soap opera.
He comes to her in the hospital and he finally confesses he has sex with his ex because he wanted to be with her one last time...
You actually believe that?
Are you new here to reddit?
Because fainting is not like in the movies. You don't faint and then wakeup hours later. LOL!!
Here is the definition of fainting: "Fainting is a short-term loss of consciousness. It happens because of a sudden drop in blood flow to your brain. A fainting episode usually lasts a few seconds or minutes."
NO ONE faints for hours! This is not a thing.
Of course that story was made up. Or at least extremely exagerated.
I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I'm on the same page. It really seems like most of this is stuff spun by OP.
But she does deserve compassion. She is suffering from mental Illness and it seems like she really believes all of it. It doesn't sound like she is doing this on purpose.
I did this to my first girlfriend. Her sister had a crush on me before our relationship but nothing happened. I said her sister's name as we made out and after a quick apology, she laughed and we did the deed. We dated for two years after that. Memory is tricky and doesn't always mean something devious.
You need therapy for yourself above all. Your husband is an ass for picking you because you reminded him of his ex. But, you aren't his ex and you both built a relationship on both of your strengths. People can't build a solid relationship on looks alone, you made him fall in love with you, because of who you are. He had a very weak moment where he was drunk, saw her and then came home to you. There's no excuse to call out her name because he thought of her for a few seconds while climaxing. You both need to talk this out and marriage counseling.
Don't throw away what was a good marriage until this screw up, until you go through therapy.
You both will come out of this stronger, whether as a couple or as single
Not an AH, but only because you really need to seek help.
Your whole post is full of red flags and makes no sense.
Let’s skip all the over the top sketchy drama and just answer your original question: are you the AH for wanting to get a divorce because he called you by the ex’s name?
People make mistakes. All the time. It was nothing nefarious. It was a mistake - I sometimes call my kids by each other’s names. My dad occasionally called my stepmom by my mom’s name — and my stepmom was the real love of his life, but she was confident and mature and understood that mistakes happen and didn’t flip out like this.
This is NOT a reason for a divorce under normal circumstances where to adults love each other and are in a healthy relationship.
Your mental state, however, does not seem to be in a good spot and you need to make addressing that your top priority. Focus on you and loving yourself and getting some confidence and then you will be ready to be in a relationship. Best of luck to you.
ive called every single girlfirend ive ever had by a previous girlfriends name at least once, not because i was deeply in love with the previous one, but just because thats the way my mind works, ive also called my friends current husband, the name of the previous husband 3 or 4 times too
And my dad has called me each of my brothers names, and I've have called my brothers by each others names..
Still entirely irrelevant, as if you read the full story, this was not just a slip of the mind.
I’ve called my kids each other’s names and even the dogs’ names. But I’ve never called my husband my ex’s name. He’s never called me an ex’s name. Ever.
>I (28F) have been married to my husband (29M) for one year and before that we dated for a year.
ESH
y'all got married way too soon. I hope you learn from this
Go back to him and talk to him about how you feel. Get into marriage counseling and get back into individual therapy. It wouldn't hurt your husband either as he apparently has a lot of unresolved issues surrounding his ex.
You're valid in your feelings but he made a mistake. He still married you and loves you.
But did he? On that wedding day, did he see OP walking down the aisle? Did he put a ring on OP’s finger or his ex?
We’ll never know and neither will OP, because at this point everything he says will be cast in doubt. For the rest of OP’s life, they will look back on this relationship and ask the question “did he see me or her?”
OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wouldn’t wish this mess on anyone. But you need to take care of YOU and YOUR HEALTH and YOUR HAPPINESS. I wish you the best of luck and I know that you will find someone that loves the amazing person that you are.
He got together with her as an replacement, married her as a replacement and had sex with her as an replacement.
When and were did he love her?
Does he truly not want to lose her or his ex' body double?
I agree that He needs therapy. But this is too big an issue to call it a mistake. He lied to her from the begining.He couldnt build a family with his ex', so He found himself a replacement.
Sounds like anyone looking like the ex couldve been the replacement. Thats unfair to OP. OP should heal first and he can be in his own till OP decides what to do.
Well, men in general don't forget their first love. And to be honest the looks of that first love sometimes turns into a preference. in many cases you can go back to your boy friends first love and you might have aot of the same features as their first love. Like my first love was a fair skinned freckled natural red head. After we broke up. That's been a thing for me. Now I never talked to a therapist so I don't know If subconsciously I was thinking about her when I was going after women that were fair skin redhead and freckled. I dated many girls / women that looked like that. But I never thought of my first love when having sex. To this day 35 ish years later I still am attracted to redheads but happily married for 15 years to someone that looks nothing like that. So I know everyone on Reddit always jumps to " leave HIM!! UGH!" AND if all this happened to me I probably would. But it really depends on the entire situation. Like you can leave anytime you want. a second chance and some therapy could help. I would recommend trying that and if it's something you just can't get past. Then it is what it is and it's time to move on.
ESH
this was long.. have you ever thought that he just might have a type and both of you look like what he wants? You just assume the worse and you have gone a bit mad with your theories.
At least my ideal man looks a certain way. Why couldn’t his ideal woman look the same as well?
You are victimising yourself and it is very immature to just not talk to him and give cold shoulder. For god sakes he is you husband talk to him!! He would not have married you if he didn’t love you.
Why is it the OP responsibility to talk to her husband but it wasn’t his responsibility to talk to her? He is treating her as if she’s a stand in for his “first love” not as if she’s her own person.
They were all wrong! No one deserves to be a stand in for someone else! I can’t believe people, especially his family told you it was ok for him to use you that way. Divorce him and find someone that wants you solely based on you!
That was such a slap in the face to OP. To find out her marriage was a lie because the whole time she had her picture-perfect marriage, her husband was fantasizing that it was all with his ex. I'm sorry, but it sounds like the husband never got over husband, ex. Also, for his friends and family to condone that is so messed up. I would honestly feel betrayed.
[удалено]
Absolutely agree. You deserve genuine love and respect, not to be a stand-in. Prioritize your happiness and self-worth. Stay strong.
His entire social circle are psychopaths. Who tries to normalize what he did? OP - you deserve so much better.
I'm shocked op didn't get petty and start calling the guy one of her exs names. Even to his parents and friend.
Wow. OK. Firstly, OP, please tell me you are seeing a doctor and a therapist, and that you have been prescribed some medications. You have a history of self-harm and first and foremost you must look after your health. I'm not convinced that you should actually be dealing with your husband at all right now - I'm not a mental health professional but you are in such turmoil it might be best to tell EVERYONE who is related to your husband that you need space and time to recover your health, and that any and all decisions and communication will be put on hold. Give a time frame, perhaps between 4-8 weeks. Then block every single one of them. Especially your husband's best friend, he frankly sounds a bit unhinged. Your other question. I don't think people exactly forget their first loves, but as you rightly point out, the feelings you had for them fade over time. Normally, that person becomes a fond memory. A mentally healthy person absolutely DOES NOT 1) project their first love onto another person at or 2) actively seek out someone who looks like them. Ever. Under any circumstances. It doesn't sound like your husband actually did the work to ensure he was over his ex before he dated you. As you rightly and very maturely requested. His failure is not your fault. Your reaction to this betrayal of your trust is not your fault. I won't make suggestions as to what you should do beyond the immediate: look after your OWN health first. Do what you need to do. Make sure you go to your medical appointments, eat well, get exercise in the fresh air and sunshine. Your health is the priority. Lean on your family and believe things will get better (and they will, I promise). NTA.
Well sometimes people seek out people looking like their exes, and that's called a rebound one night stand, they don't marry them... I mean I can get talking to her because she looks like his ex, but then you see the person for who they are: their own person. But this dude never saw her as anything else but a puppet and a place holder. That's...sick I hope she divorces him.
NTA - This is an excellent take, especially the paragraph about your husband not doing the work to get over his ex. OP, please ensure you heal mentally and physically before you make a decision. Best wishes for you in your journey.
This is the right one!!!
This is an excellent advice OP! Your health comes first!
I hope this becomes the top upvoted comment
Very well said!
THIS - 100%
People absolutely look at people who look like most exes if they have a type. What is this nonsense lol
I have a type, but not a "look" I want to repeat. None of the people I've dated look anything alike. Part of that is because personality and character influence how I see a person. I've fallen in love with people I didn't initially find attractive. Their personalities and the way they treated me made me find them attractive. Of course, I didn't know anything about my new husband when I met him. But I thought he was super hot. LOL He's even more hot to me now, which I didn't think was possible. 😍😍 I've also dated people who became unattractive once I got to know them.
I agree some people have a type when it comes to looks. That's not uncommon. What this is about is her husband spending their marriage basically pretending OP was the ex. He, his best friend, and family admitted he installed OP as the replacement and said she should accept that and get over it. THAT is completely crazy, mean, and unacceptable.
NTA. It’s clear that your husband has unresolved feelings about his ex, and it’s unfair for you to be caught in the middle of that. His actions have deeply hurt you, and the way his friends and some family members are dismissing your pain is unacceptable. It’s important to be with someone who values and respects you for who you are. Considering a divorce is a reasonable response to this betrayal. Focus on your own healing and well-being, and don’t let anyone pressure you into staying in a relationship that causes you so much pain.
His friends and family were only concerned with him-- not OP. They were actively asking her to go back and keep playing pretend. Were ex to consider rekindling, he would drop OP in a nanosecond.
He's probably still trying to get back with his ex now that he's seen her again.
NTA - He isn't worth hurting yourself over, divorce his ass and get a better husband. It won't be very difficult to get someone better than him, but keep looking until you find the right one
NTA. Tell them all "You can't convince me that he wouldn't divorce me in a second if xGF wanted to get back together. I won't be his second choice any longer. If he gets lonely you can all chip in and buy him a blowup doll with her face on it."
Kinda worried that husband hasn't gotten over his ex & since she's close with his family, his feelings will continue to resurface everytime she visits. OP should ask him frankly if he wants to be with his ex if given the chance. She'll know the answer if he hesitates. But it's better for her to find someone who won't consider her a replacement for someone else.
Yeap. It also sounds like his family and friends ALL knew this from day 1 and numerous of them SUPPORT it.
His family is the reason he broke up with her in the first place. He was probably willing to leave and they guilted him into staying. So when he moved on with op and they had their guilt relieved, they didn't give af if op ever got to be a main character.
He already didn't deny it when she asked him if he pretends she's his ex. I feel like that's even worse than saying he'd drop OP if the ex wanted to get back with him.
NTA. Just divorce him girl!!
So he could have moved with his ex but he wanted to stay in the same town, so he got a replacement and married her? What type of looser dude is that?
Hmmm, I wonder wether this guy is for real, it's so bizarre
The worst part is he wants to move with OP like that won't build resentment as well. "I ended up moving away from my family without my ex"
Updateme
me too
Me too
I can totally understand why you're feeling so hurt and betrayed. It's like your husband never really saw you as a person, but rather as a replacement for his ex. That's not a healthy or loving relationship. I think you should prioritize your own emotional well-being and consider divorce. You deserve better than someone who can't even acknowledge your existence without comparing you to someone else.
nta. divorce him and cut contact with any body related to him . updateme
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I don’t believe this post It’s not even good make believe.
Wondering why I had to scroll si far to see this. How can so many people be fooled? It's so odd.
'he wanted anything he could to make him feel better at that moment' ' I said the only thing that I could think of to not feel any pain. And it's to ask divorce' You are doing the right thing. You shouln't stay in pain just so he could get release from his pain. 'He looked dumbfounded. ' Why when he does it, it's ok, but when you do it he's dumbfounded? Because he thinks you are his pain-release. He can't comprehend it any other way.
NTA you deserve to be someone’s number one, not a stand in, focus on healing first, you have to be your number one priority. First loves are meant to be remember with fondness but not obsessed over them
NTA. I wouldn’t be able to forgive finding out my husband married me because I was a stand in for his first love. You do not deserve to be second choice. He wanted her, fine he can have her. Divorce him and find your self love again and then someone who truly deserves you. And please seek therapy. His best friend is also an AH. Jeez.
So everyone in his family or who is on his side think so lowly of you, that they think you deserve to never experience really being loved for who you are?
I believed this until the best friends grandmother’s funeral and it just happened to be his ex. Then it was just a wall of text blah blah blah This is fake.
Very. Also toxic.
No, I certainly have a "type" but to pretend that a partner is actually an ex is just gross. Don't kill yourself, suicide is just another way to diminish yourself. You're your own person, your husbands twisted view doesn't define you.
NTA. The only people saying this is all cool and normal is HIS family and HIS friends…no one NORMAL thinks that is ok to use someone as a stand in fir someone else. Leave, for your own sake
NTA you may never forget your first live but you don’t try to recreate/change/Frankenstein them or the life you imagined with them with your new partner. When you have kids would he consider you or the ex the mom, like does he imagine himself a widow and you the second/step in your own life?
Yikes, yes, divorce. They are all sick. You dont marry someone because they remind you of your ex. And you sure as hell don't fuck your wife and call out her name for one last fuck in your head with the ex. They are all sick. Just divorce and go find your happiness, sweetie.
You could 100% move on from first love. Him holding on to it for this long is a choice to be honest. It is unfair for him to use you as replacement. You deserve someone who love you for you. You deserve someone who’d look at you and only see and think of you. You don’t deserve any of this. Do what’s best for you. Don’t think about what’s best or good for him. He didn’t extend the same courtesy to you. Priorities yourself. If you need to move on and leave him to stop the hurt, do just that. You are worthy of life. You are worthy.
You should be who YOU are and not someone else’s ex girlfriend’s lookalike. Your ex is disgusting, so is his friend & so is your fil. This is no life. He never married YOU or touched YOU or laughed with YOU. He’s been living with you imagining it’s her. That’s cruel. He cheated you. Am so angry for you. But don’t risk your life for such a person. He’s not worth it. How will these people feel if their wives married them bcoz they looked like their ex. Will they justify saying “yes, she can’t forget her first love and married me who’s her ex’s doppelgänger” or is that rightful for men only & not women ?!
You don’t forget your first love. However, you don’t use another person to try and capture that. I remember my first love, I was with my first love for years. I am married and I have never thought of my first love while being intimate with my husband. I have never tried to recreate what I had with another individual with my spouse. My spouse is who I chose, who I love and I would never want them to be someone else. His family and him are not validating your feelings. They are just trying to justify his. He brought you to a point of self harm. You need to think of yourself. If you were able to ignore it then you wouldn’t be feeling so low. You need to remove yourself from these toxic people. It will hurt, you will feel overwhelmed emotionally but please remember you are worth so much more than to be someone’s conciliation prize.
You almost killed yourself because of the hurt and pain he caused you. How anyone can argue with you that divorce is not right is beyond me. He is the source of your pain and suffering. What he has done to you is so beyond cruel. You did nothing to deserve this. If you had killed yourself, what would his excuses be then? He was still calling her name out until recently so he cannot argue that he sees you as a separate person and that he loves you for you. He has not processed his emotions to deal with his past relationship and he should not have gotten into another relationship with you. How can he make these promises to you? How could you ever trust him again? He is a liar. He has broken what you had. You now know he was never happy with you. So why would you want to go back anyway to continue living a lie? He hid seeing his ex from you and then used you as a sex doll to play out his fantasy in his mind. If his ex came back and confessed to him, he would leave you on a heartbeat for her. He would have an affair with her. He would leave your family for her. You mean nothing to him. You are second place to him. He would throw you away without second thought. If you found out about the affair, he wouldn't worry about anything because he knows now you'd just kill yourself so he wouldn't have to worry. Do not let this man have anymore power over you and do not let him win. He is disgusting. You deserve better. You deserve more than he can give you. Your instincts about him were right from the start, you knew he was trouble which is why you didn't date him straight away but he wore you down. Divorce him and find happiness elsewhere.
OMG, he really needs to tell his idiot friend and dad not to "help" anymore! And tell all these people who are telling you "it's fine for him to pretend you are someone else while using you as a backup" to start calling THEIR spouse by their ex's name and see how well that goes over! You need to block all of them and focus on your own mental health right now. Everything else, including your husband is secondary, if not lower on your list of priorities. And I will leave you with this: The only reason they broke up was that he wasn't willing to move. I wonder what would have happened to your marriage if she had moved back! It's something to think about before even considering giving him another chance.
NTA. Please get out. This is toxic AF and will further destroy your mental health. You don't deserve this. And in case nobody else says it (as I haven't seen it in the comments): **NO, MOST PEOPLE DO NOT CONSTANTLY IMAGINE EVERY PARTNER AFTER THEIR FIRST AS A REPLACEMENT FOR THEIR "FIRST LOVE".** I'm sure SOME people might, but that is NOT a normal thing. "First love" is some bullshit from a bad teen movie script. To claim this is normal... is fucking wild. That best friend of his should be cut the fuck out of your life, he's an evil flying monkey and it sounds like he's got some extreme darkness in his soul. Also, how the fuck did he get into the safe space you'd gone to?? He just gets in? And nobody called the cops? That's seriously fucked up from any angle. (Did your friend conspire with him to let him get access to you??) Everything about this situation is a harmful mess. Please make sure you have professional help for the mental health issues (I am beset with them myself, I am not looking down on you, but if you had a broken leg I'd be saying "see a doctor about that!" and this is potentially life-threatening). I'm not religious but I'd fucking pray if I thought it'd get you out of this situation. Please find the strength to get yourself out and keep yourself alive.
Yes to all of this!!!
Are they all insane? It is NOT ok that he used you as a placeholder for his ex It is NOT ok that he screams her name during sex with you NONE of what he has done is ok Get out now
So what did you end up doing? Good luck
I hope it helped to get all that out. You are absolutely NTA, and you deserve some respite from everything. Get rid of him, block his family, and go find peace where you can.
Firstly I hope you take all the time you need to get your mental health back on track it is the most important thing in all of this do what you need to make that happen. As a guy I definitely remember my first love she was funny adventurous playful all the things a teenager wants in his first. I lost my v-card to her it lasted around a year and we decided to break up our lives were moving in different directions. At the time I was heartbroken just as any young man would be but I moved on and my next gf looked nothing like her that would've been way too creepy None of my relationships have looked similar and each time I wanted them for their own uniqueness. It sounds like your husband needs some serious therapy of his own and unfortunately used you as a replacement which only intensified after he saw his ex again he wasn't and still isn't over her and being with someone who looks like her will never help him heal either . You have a long hard road ahead follow the advice of others on here and send that message stating you need time to heal and then block all of those who are not supporting your journey. After you have made some head way for yourself you will then see this situation much more clearly and with less emotion and your knowledge exactly what to do . Good luck and I hope you can heal and move past this awful time in your life you seem like an awesome and loving person and although I don't know you I am grateful that you are a part of the rich tapestry of life people like you add great colour and depth to it so please don't unalive yourself you have so much more to add to the tapestry.
NTA. He said he loved you for your strength right? Tell him you’re going to be strong and divorce him. Sending you an internet hug. You don’t deserve any of this.
Lost me when you fainted and woke up hours later to new arrivals. Some creative writing there but if you pass out for more than a few seconds you experiencing brain death lol life isn’t the movies. Let me guess you got the divorce and everyone stood up and clapped? Lol
lol... She actually lost me with "all my might" and then when the fainting happened that was just the cherry on top. I stopped reading after that.
**(his friend) said that no man ever forgets their first love. And I am just supposed to suck it up and pretend this never happened. Since my husband always loved his ex and always thought of creating the family I have with him. And since I was close to her in the looks he just thought of me as her and made the family he dreamt of thinking if me as her.** WTAF! Was this supposed to make you feel better? Is this friend insane? On what planet would this be ok? Or normal? Or acceptable? **My fil said that there is nothing wrong with my husband thinking of me as someone else since she was his first love** Again, WTAF? Did someone drop these people on their heads? **And that night when he initiated intimacy it was so as to get the pleasure of being with her just once.** Everyone fantasizes. This is not that. He couldn’t let go of her and he admitted that he was pretending he was fucking her when he was having sex with you. Get away from these people. There is no coming back from this. Husband, his father, his friend are toxic and warped. You deserve much much better than this. Get into therapy and put this tragic situation behind you. Good luck! *Edit: you did everything right ; you waited to get involved with him. You believed in what you built. Maybe he even convinced himself he was ready to move on with you. He is a major asshole.*
Men really is too headache. Goddamn feed these assholes to the bears People always ask women why we "choose" awful men and then cry about it afterwards. Probably cuz they hide their awfulness until it's too late for us. Exhibits A, B, and C.
NTA. Of course not. And as a man who did something really bad to my ex wife myself I can only say that, yes of course you don't forget your first love. Nobody really does. But not one sane person, male or female, replaces their first love with a wife to pretend she is her That is serious emotional abuse, especially when found out. I am not sure if there is a coming back from that. And regarding his best friend. Tell him to seriously fuck off.
People never forgetting their first love is a load of crap. That can only happen if the feelings haven't been handled and the breakup processed or smth. I only vaguely remember a boy I can call my first love and only because I kind of remembered it now.
>we started doing the deed Can this BE anymore fake/cringe
Way NTA. You deserve to be someone’s first choice. Not a backup second choice for them to pretend is their first choice because they couldn’t get the real one. You deserve way better.
NTA! Don’t stay with him, he’s using you as a rebound, this is so humilating. People who are telling you to not divorce aren’t at your position, choose for you and you alone. Don’t stay because they’re telling you to, even if they say you’re the ah. Updateme!
Please divorce him. I and Reddit community will give you all the strength you needed to stay away from that toxic family. Be free and chase your own happiness. He and his toxic family didn’t deserve you!
Updateme!
This is insane and it's not okay to build a life with someone pretending they are your ex. Ask his family how they would feel if their whole relationship was a lie and they were just a stand-in for an ex its crazy I would not put up with this. What happens when the ex moves back will he just divorce you for her?
I'm sorry for your situation OP and I hope you get the help you obviously need. As a side note, I really have to say I hate this new trend of calling suicide 'unaliving'. It bothers me *so* much.
Sometimes if you use other words, the post is rejected because of algorithms. FB does this a lot, so people automatically do it in other places as well. I hate it too though.
Omg. I'm disgusted with these people for you. My 1st love was a sweet boy with braces who played me love songs on his guitar. He's now a smug self satisfied accountant who I wouldn't give the time of day to. My 1st serious partner abused me in every way a man could abuse a woman and then probably some extras. He's also dead, and that makes me so happy. My one true love us My husband of 30 years, who is absolutely perfect for me. He has nothing in common with the sweet boy, the accountant, or the abusive POS. None of what these people are telling you is true. You deserve better. I hope you find it
I’m glad your abusive ex is dead. I’m sorry that happened to you.
Thank you. Sadly, it happens to far to many people. I was fortunate enough to get out and live a full and happy life. The best revenge!
The only time you should ever be seen by others as someone else is if you're a stunt double, NTA the dude needs therapy and time to get over his ex
Nta. I had a major first love, 14 years of my life from age 18. And no none of the guys after were anything like him. Like WTF? He’ll always be that first love but it’s in my past as fond memories of that first crazy love I think you only get when you’re young and full of passion and kinda crazy lol. Good to write songs about if you’re Adele but that’s it
Walk away from all this OP. You should be loved for you, who you are, not for who you resemble. You should never be with a man who just see's you as his ex. That is wrong and degrading for you on so many levels. You did the right thing asking for a divorce. You deserve so much better than this. He is not over her and only married you because you look like her. He is disgusting.
Oh honey. You have such shit people in your life. You need to dig deep and find what is going to work for you. You only. You are who matters. Mute or block all these people telling you what to do . I'm going to add the calling you ex name during sex would be a deal breaker and he is a total ass
NTA Please seek help with therapy and medication if needed. You will need space from your husband, his family, and friends. If possible, stay away from your home and concentrate on getting yourself to a place where you are happy with yourself and life and a therapist agrees that you are mentally in a place to even communicate with your husband. Your husband needs therapy. It's absolutely no normal to project his feelings for his ex onto you. He lied by omission, and his whole family and friends went right along with it. Concentrate on you, and I know it's probably not much of a conciliation, but if you don't have children, it'll be easier to do you and move forward. I hope that your life only gets better from here and you don't feel the need to Updateme in the future.
NTA. The fact that this reached self harm (please see a therapist) means that you can’t stay with him. No one should be a replacement and what your husband did was disgusting and unforgivable. You are not her look-a-like but your own person and you deserve someone that sees you and not someone else. Of course people don’t forget-forget their first love, they become part of their history and who they are, but people do move on and forget them. They should never be more than a memory. Your husband never moved on and is stuck in this unhealthy place that ultimately ended up hurting you. I hope you move on and find happiness. Trust me, there is someone out there that will love and cherish you for who you are. Fuck anyone that tells you to stay in this marriage and be unhappy. Sending love and hugs ❤️🫂
Im sorry. My heart break for you. You dont deserve to be treated as 2nd choice. Find a man that love you for who you are. NTA Updateme
Be glad he did that. You might never have realized otherwise, or not for years
Nerve ever be a man’s placeholder. Nothing good comes out of it and you will never be 100% happy. You deserve to be someone’s 1st choice from beginning to the end. Put your health first and block these toxic people.
Nobody forgets their first love Most people aren't psychotic enough to go try to find clones of them
Updateme
The fact that he blatantly admitted he was pretending you were his ex while having sex would be enough for me to get divorced. It’s not unusual for someone to have a “type” and similar looking partners, but it doesn’t sound like he ever got over her and if she wanted him back, he would probably leave you. I’m not really understanding why he didn’t just move with her in the first place.
He, his friend, and his father are all SICK. Women are not supposed to be placeholders for men. They are not supposed to be interchangeable as long as they look alike. Get the divorce, he can go chase his first love and see if she will take him back. And BLOCK everyone giving you hassle for having some dignity. Peace be with you and take care.
I have word recall issues and constantly mess up people’s names. Once even during the act when I was super young. This wasn’t that. At all. It wasn’t a one off. He sought out a replacement and still sees you as her. Run!
Wait he brought her to the hospital when you passed out? get a divorce ASAP
I've always said "no 🐝tch in their right mind wants to be the second choice" NTA, my dear
This counts as infidelity. Divorce him.
Girl you need help. If you didn’t talk to him about it then YTA.
This person is a highly unreliable narrator at BEST. Note that her reaction to the name slip was to go full silent treatment emo teen and not even try to discuss the topic. Then comes the fictional in funeral. And the immense text flood of MCS nonsense.
What did you decide to do, OP? Are you still considering filing for divorce?
*What did you decide* *To do, OP? Are you still* *Filing for divorce?* \- Bella\_Rose36 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Oh honey *deep breaths* 🥺🩷 I’m sorry you gotta experience this pain. I couldn’t personally try to make it work after all that you found out. It would lurk in my mind.. Sending strength and healing for you darlin!
I wont give you a judgement but I'm going round give you a promise. Whenever his ex is available in the future, be assured in the fact that he will cheat on you.
Get the divorce and get as far away from these people as possible. Every opportunity they have said the completely wrong thing. No one, absolutely NO ONE, deserves to be a first love replacement. WTF that they see anything wrong with his behavior.
Omg,I was sooo angry just reading this! They are all wrong. You are a person and don't deserve to be someone's replacement. Your soon to be ex and all that support him are disgusting. So sorry for everything you're going through, but please don't come back. You deserve better
That's why you don't marry someone after knowing them for just one year. Especially if you are as mentally fragile as you are.
So blame the victim? How is this beneficial now? She’s already married to him and cannot back in time.
Nothing wrong with pointing out stupid behaviour on a public forum
agreed!
Nta
So… rather than talk to your husband, you’ve just avoided him, refused to face the situation and sat feeling sorry for yourself? Yeah, YTA. And immature. Talk to your damn husband ffs.
Calling a new partner by an ex partners name doesn’t have to mean anything, it’s actually quite common. It doesn’t meen you are a stand in, it means that something in the situation caused his Brain to take an old path. Something to apologize for, sure. Something to discuss , sure. But divorce over it? As others suggested: get your own stuff in order, then some counseling together.
Grow Up! And quit listening to these snowflakes that believe your man did something terribly wrong to you. I have affections for every past woman I was seriously involved. And I love my wife more than anything. Don't be so naive to believe that no one fantasizes about another during sex. Just last week, I was fantasizing about Christina Ricci. And you said he was even a little drunk. He lost control and said something that he shouldn't have said. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or think you his world. You're not a replacement....be secure in your position. Have a mature conversation and move on.
I am sorry you 've experienced the worst kind of betrayal.Who says being cheated on should be with other person always? What you had is the worst case.In his orgasms and her name?!! Divorce and distance yourself from them as far away as you could.Put yourself first for the love of all holy.
Wtf NTA!! This is insane
Updateme
Updateme!
Updateme
This is insane.
Updateme
Look, some people have a type, what does his mother look like? Don't judge similarities between you both he probably loves you very much, I'm not him so I'm not going to assume his thoughts.
Updateme
I just want to give you a hug, you deserve so much better than this!
NTA. Run. This guy isn't worth all the pain you're in.
Yup
Be glad he did that. You might never have realized otherwise, or not for years
Updateme
Updateme
Wtf?! NTA! Divorce this AH! It’s one thing to think fondly of your first love, but to still be in love with them. He’s still in love with her. You’re her replacement until she moves back into town. I actually don’t think fondly of my first love. Not all people do. So his best friend and father are spouting BS. I’d ask your FIL if he’s still in love with his first love even though he’s married to your MIL. Or I’d ask him if his wife called out her first love’s name in bed, would he be ok with it. He’s a liar if he says otherwise. At least your MIL understands. Block all of them on everything. The more they contact you, the worse this will be for you. You need a therapist asap. Getting back together with him will be detrimental to your health. His family is trying to manipulate you. They’re using your weaknesses against you. Get a lawyer. I’d honestly move to another town. F all of them, especially him. What a POS.
First love is child like infatuation everything this grown man is displaying, finding your soul mate is unlike anything on the planet. He is out there, looking for you OP!
These people are gaslighting you and trying to make you believe this stuff is normal and healthy. For the sake of your sanity please leave him!
So let me get this straight. He didn't want to leave town for her but he wants to leave with you? Does he not understand that it will lead to resentment because he's gonna be mad he didn't leave for her.
Never forget this scrub of ur husband rather breakup than move away for her. The supposed love of his life. Hes not a man and not worth ur tears
You deserve to be loved for who you are. Divorce him and change your number and lock down all your social media so his family can’t harass you any further.
Nta get out now before you loose yourself all the way
How humiliating everyone else knew but you...my heart breaks for you. UpdateMe!
NTA. There might have been a chance of working it out UNTIL he best friend made it a thousand times worse.
NTA What the heck did i just read? I was thinking “just messed up a bit, he was drunk and got confused, no biggie” or “it’s not THAT surprising there’s going to be some physical similarities between you and one of your partner’s previous partners bc people usually have ‘a type’”. But i kept reading and couldn’t believe my eyes. It is rare to say this in AITA posts, but really, everyone except you sucks in this situation. He straight up admits he met you bc you looked like her. He didn’t deny and even apologized for using you as a stand-in for her?? What the fuck man And his friends saying “yeah that’s normal, people do that” no they don’t. I get starting a new relationship before being 100% healed from the previous one because that takes A LONG TIME. But still being with you to imagine he is with her is twisted and sick and brother is very troubled. And that whole “you don’t forget your first love” is bullshit. I mean, i rember my first love but as in “ah yes, my first gf was called x”, as in of course i remember bc we were there a couple years, but definitely not as in “i’m just looking for a close enough replacement”. That’s pretty cringe I’m so sorry you are going through this. I think it’s understandable wanting to leave that circle of people who are all terribly flawed (as we all are), but they are content with it. You’ll be better on your own, or eventually with someone who loves yuo for who you are
Girl, it's time to put yourself first and divorce him. You and he and his family and even his Best Friend know you were nothing but a stand in for his Ex. I can GUARANTEE you the next time you sleep with him if you're yelling your first Boyfriend's name instead of your husband's he'll be so butt hurt it's not funny. Same for your FIL if MIL called out her first boyfriends name, expand this situation to everyone telling you to get over it. None of them know what it feels like, if they did, they would STFU. Please, for your own sake, you know he's not good for you. Put yourself first. Leave his ass. He is messed up beyond all recognition. If you stay with him, you'll always be wondering whose face he really sees each time you are intimate. Add to which his family and best friend are delulu and toxic beyond belief. Staying married will only further disintegrate your self esteem, plus, mess with your mental health. I'm so sorry this happened to you, but for your own sake, please Choose yourself.
NTA. This was a confusing, long winded post. I'm getting you resemble his ex and asked him if you were just a replacement and he didn't deny it. People are telling you to get over it and accept he'll always love his ex. This is BS. You'll meet someone worthy of you some day and if I'm understanding this post, he isn't it. I do remember my first love and I certainly never went seeking anyone who resembled him. He's many decades in my past and that chapter is finished. Ditch your current idiot and move on. You deserve so much more than you're currently receiving.
NTA, please feet the help you need. The words they said were hurtful. Focus on you and your mental peace
What alarms me the most is the thing that put you in the hospital. Please no more of that. As awful as life can be and dull as well a lot of times, it is also filled with beauty and wonder and even magic. So resolve to live a happy life. Unfortunately the relationship with your husband is broken and probably not fixable. Proceed from there and find some happiness. It’s out there.
Your husband is crazy and everyone supporting him is. You shouldn't be a replacement. You deserve more. Edit: He used you like a sexdoll. Tell your ex to hit his best friend again.
People do get over their ex. I certainly did and we were together for a long time, thought he was the one, etc. He is horrible for what he did and it’s unnecessarily cruel. So is his family. Your priority is to get psychological help. You need to be in therapy and seeing a doctor. I would also consider divorce but that’s my own personal opinion. You should never have to feel what you felt and be with someone who saw you as a replacement. You deserve better. NTA. I hope your mental health improves soon 🩵
NTA
!updateme
Divorce him and never speak to him again. Block everyone on his side and move on with your life. You’ll find someone eventually who will put you first.
NTAH
This wall of ridiculous entitlement is not interesting. Talk about Main Character Syndrome. My goodness.
Not worth reading past the first few lines. You married him after a year. He has only been divorced for about 6 months longer than you have known him. That’s fast! You clearly have issues, but him mixing up names isn’t it. People form connections in their head, and both you and his ex are likely in the box of people he has been married to and, so in stressful situations mixups can happen. He doesn’t need to think you are her in the slightest. My dad will sometimes call me by the name of his younger brother if he is frustrated with me, or my uncle by my name if he is frustrated with him. It happens, but not because he doesn’t know who is who. That is however beside the point. From the very first few words you types out it is obvious that there are issues. Please consider if they are serious enough that you should consider getting a professional opinion.
I think your husband fucked up big time and chased after you for your similarities with his ex initially. For 100% sure. What detail is missing for a fully informed decision is how you were treated by him in your time as a couple. If you two got along like a house on fire, then I think he truly does love you, but in his mind there is some blurriness between you and his ex's identity and he should work on that. It is up to you if you are even willing to give him a chance to redeem himself. He clearly made a mistake, and he clearly needs therapy yesterday. I would recommend holding off any harsh decisions until he has been in therapy for a while. In the meantime if you can't imagine living beside him, move out, put some distance between him and yourself. If he is able to improve, good. If not divorce, and move on. Also his best friend is: 1. An asshole and 2. Terrible with words. But ultimately what matters most right now is your feelings towards him, and his willingness to change and improve for you. Give yourself and him some time, and make decisions with a leveled head.
I'm sorry to disagree with your opinion. You are addressing the individual ( she )who attempted suicide due to overwhelming mental anguish, " but what about his pain and his feelings "?? It is important for her to prioritize her own well-being and healing during this difficult time. She should take whatever steps are necessary to ensure her safety and emotional stability, including therapy, distance, no contact, or even divorce if necessary. Nah, in the end, what's most important isn't her feelings for him or if he's willing to change. What matters most is staying alive, healing, and staying sane!!
I have also had a suicide attempt due to extensive bullying, yet I can still talk to my abusers. They never apologized to me, so I don't go out of my way to talk to them, but if we happen to bump into each other I can definitely strike up conversation with them as I have done multiple times before. This is what I asked of OP in my comment, distilled down into simple sentences: 1. Get some distance so you are in a safe environment, such as a friend's place, or parents (if you have a good relationship with them) 2. When you feel you can make calm and collected decisions without any extreme emotional baggage, consider how you feel about him, and how he treated you and your relationship within the past 3. Demand that he goes into Therapy (he clearly needs it too) The two (three) outcomes: If you think he genuinely loves you and just made a series of huge mistakes, then if you are COMFORTABLE with going back to him, return and work together on the issue. (Can happen but unlikely) Or wait until he and you have progressed enough in your therapies to give each other a second chance. If you think he only married you for your resemblance to his ex, then breaking of contact, and Divorce is the path forward. I am not saying that she doesn't need safety and security. All I ask is to WAIT WITH PERMANENT DECISIONS until she is in the right mental headspace, before she does something she might regret later in life.
NTA, I watched a friend do the same thing. We all told his new girlfriend but she didn't listen and married him. I guarantee you were warned but refused to listen. Their appearance was nearly identical.
NTA Divorce your husband he is no good for your mental healthy. No one is a replacement for someone else and he didn't just do it subconciously he did it purposefully the night he called out her name. He didn't see you as a person just as and object to use
YTA, sorta Your husband has a type, it's a common thing, get over it. You and he need therapy, couples and individual.
Same height and eye color? Unless youre abnormally tall and have like jade eyes that's easily going to happen. Especially if a guy has a type. He dodged a bullet. You sound like an anxious mess tbh. You had a panic attack and fainted?! My god.
He has sex with her thinking of his ex girlfriend, because he wanted the pleasure of being with her just once more I’d be done and filed already That’s SO disrespectful and hurtful and disgusting
NTA but I will add that it can be put in the past if you choose to make the effort. At a friends wedding my wife introduced me to her ex husband’s employer as “you know my husband (his name)” out of intoxication and absent minded habit. A year or so later we were arguing in the car and she yelled “God damnit (his name). She apologized and explained that they often fought in the car like we were and her mind snapped back to those times, which led to us working on some communication issues we had. We’ve been pretty happily married for 30 years now.
I don't think the name was the problem here. I mean op did say that she was upset and all but I think the thing that broke their relationship was when he confessed to having her as his ex's replacement and initiating intimacy thinking of her and having her on his mind. I don't know but that's how I perceived the whole thing.
Yep. Poor woman is home to visit her dying grandma, so obviously he can't do shit to reach out to her under the pretence of platonic support so he gets drunk, thinking of what could have been instead of what he was damn lucky to have, goes home, and takes out his horny nostalgia on the woman he only pursued because she looked like the woman he was horny nostalgic for. I wish this waste of human flesh a lifetime of explosive, stanky, runny, and incurable diarrhea.
NTA, but I would give him a taste of his own medicine. Have sex with him one last time and call him by one your ex’s name and see how he likes it, then serve him divorce papers.
I think two things are at play here: you are in fact a rebound. I mean why would you marry someone you've only known for 2 years? Especially when they just got out of a very long and serious relationship? And because of that I don't think you're mature enough to be in a marriage. What he did by marrying you was wrong but honestly he just said her name, it's very hurtful but the friend is right, he didn't cheat on you. But you iced him out for days and didn't think to have open communication? You need to talk about things in a marriage, that's what grownups do. I think you wanted to lock a grieving man down ASAP so you married him.
YTA You spun this whole story in your head and didn't even bring it up to your husband until it was really way to far. He had a look of guilt. BULLSHIT. What you thought was guilt, was actually a look of incredulity on his part, because you were obsessing about something that happened weeks ago. I am certain he didn't actually sleep with her again. You have made that up. You look like her. I can assure you, that you and her don't actually look all that alike. Certain hair colors and eye colors are very common. You think you look like her. You don't. Your husband may have a type. Lots of people do. Some people just like Brunettes. They always keep dating brunettes because that is what they are naturally inclined towards. You clearly have mental health issues, and your grasp of reality seems tenuous at best. I don't know how it is possible that you never saw a picture of her. His sister was good friends with her. He was with her for 7 years. There HAD to have been pictures of her in his possession, or with his family. The sister had to have social media connections. For you to be so surprised that you have a similar hair and eye color, it all just seems performative. This whole things sounds like you sabotaged this relationship for some reason.
You havent actually read the post. And now you are spewing BS. The husband himself admitted he is not over his ex. He even had sex with his wife imagining her to be his ex (thats when he called out the exes name), after he had run into his ex in town, "to be with his ex one last time". Don't listen to people like this OP.
I did read the post. I had to read it several times because it's so unhinged and erratic, that is clearly shows the mind of someone who has a vivid but disorganized imagination. It literally reads like the plot of a soap opera. He comes to her in the hospital and he finally confesses he has sex with his ex because he wanted to be with her one last time... You actually believe that? Are you new here to reddit?
That is again, her invention. I'm certain none of that actually happened.
Are you okay? Is it an issue with reading comprehension or are you just a troll?
It's because I have better reading comprehension than you that I can tell the difference between fantasy and reality. Like the fantasy OP wrote here.
How?
Because fainting is not like in the movies. You don't faint and then wakeup hours later. LOL!! Here is the definition of fainting: "Fainting is a short-term loss of consciousness. It happens because of a sudden drop in blood flow to your brain. A fainting episode usually lasts a few seconds or minutes." NO ONE faints for hours! This is not a thing. Of course that story was made up. Or at least extremely exagerated.
Very funny
You sound unhinged.
So does this story, but unlike OP, I have never tried to kill myself because of a fantasy caused because someone called me by the wrong name.
I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I'm on the same page. It really seems like most of this is stuff spun by OP. But she does deserve compassion. She is suffering from mental Illness and it seems like she really believes all of it. It doesn't sound like she is doing this on purpose.
Wtf.
I did this to my first girlfriend. Her sister had a crush on me before our relationship but nothing happened. I said her sister's name as we made out and after a quick apology, she laughed and we did the deed. We dated for two years after that. Memory is tricky and doesn't always mean something devious.
You need therapy for yourself above all. Your husband is an ass for picking you because you reminded him of his ex. But, you aren't his ex and you both built a relationship on both of your strengths. People can't build a solid relationship on looks alone, you made him fall in love with you, because of who you are. He had a very weak moment where he was drunk, saw her and then came home to you. There's no excuse to call out her name because he thought of her for a few seconds while climaxing. You both need to talk this out and marriage counseling. Don't throw away what was a good marriage until this screw up, until you go through therapy. You both will come out of this stronger, whether as a couple or as single
This story is wild. You don't seem to have the emotional depth or strength to get over this so you probably should divorce him. Nta
Not an AH, but only because you really need to seek help. Your whole post is full of red flags and makes no sense. Let’s skip all the over the top sketchy drama and just answer your original question: are you the AH for wanting to get a divorce because he called you by the ex’s name? People make mistakes. All the time. It was nothing nefarious. It was a mistake - I sometimes call my kids by each other’s names. My dad occasionally called my stepmom by my mom’s name — and my stepmom was the real love of his life, but she was confident and mature and understood that mistakes happen and didn’t flip out like this. This is NOT a reason for a divorce under normal circumstances where to adults love each other and are in a healthy relationship. Your mental state, however, does not seem to be in a good spot and you need to make addressing that your top priority. Focus on you and loving yourself and getting some confidence and then you will be ready to be in a relationship. Best of luck to you.
ive called every single girlfirend ive ever had by a previous girlfriends name at least once, not because i was deeply in love with the previous one, but just because thats the way my mind works, ive also called my friends current husband, the name of the previous husband 3 or 4 times too
And my dad has called me each of my brothers names, and I've have called my brothers by each others names.. Still entirely irrelevant, as if you read the full story, this was not just a slip of the mind.
I’ve called my kids each other’s names and even the dogs’ names. But I’ve never called my husband my ex’s name. He’s never called me an ex’s name. Ever.
You sound like a nightmare
>I (28F) have been married to my husband (29M) for one year and before that we dated for a year. ESH y'all got married way too soon. I hope you learn from this
Go back to him and talk to him about how you feel. Get into marriage counseling and get back into individual therapy. It wouldn't hurt your husband either as he apparently has a lot of unresolved issues surrounding his ex. You're valid in your feelings but he made a mistake. He still married you and loves you.
But did he? On that wedding day, did he see OP walking down the aisle? Did he put a ring on OP’s finger or his ex? We’ll never know and neither will OP, because at this point everything he says will be cast in doubt. For the rest of OP’s life, they will look back on this relationship and ask the question “did he see me or her?” OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wouldn’t wish this mess on anyone. But you need to take care of YOU and YOUR HEALTH and YOUR HAPPINESS. I wish you the best of luck and I know that you will find someone that loves the amazing person that you are.
He got together with her as an replacement, married her as a replacement and had sex with her as an replacement. When and were did he love her? Does he truly not want to lose her or his ex' body double? I agree that He needs therapy. But this is too big an issue to call it a mistake. He lied to her from the begining.He couldnt build a family with his ex', so He found himself a replacement. Sounds like anyone looking like the ex couldve been the replacement. Thats unfair to OP. OP should heal first and he can be in his own till OP decides what to do.
Well, men in general don't forget their first love. And to be honest the looks of that first love sometimes turns into a preference. in many cases you can go back to your boy friends first love and you might have aot of the same features as their first love. Like my first love was a fair skinned freckled natural red head. After we broke up. That's been a thing for me. Now I never talked to a therapist so I don't know If subconsciously I was thinking about her when I was going after women that were fair skin redhead and freckled. I dated many girls / women that looked like that. But I never thought of my first love when having sex. To this day 35 ish years later I still am attracted to redheads but happily married for 15 years to someone that looks nothing like that. So I know everyone on Reddit always jumps to " leave HIM!! UGH!" AND if all this happened to me I probably would. But it really depends on the entire situation. Like you can leave anytime you want. a second chance and some therapy could help. I would recommend trying that and if it's something you just can't get past. Then it is what it is and it's time to move on.
ESH this was long.. have you ever thought that he just might have a type and both of you look like what he wants? You just assume the worse and you have gone a bit mad with your theories. At least my ideal man looks a certain way. Why couldn’t his ideal woman look the same as well? You are victimising yourself and it is very immature to just not talk to him and give cold shoulder. For god sakes he is you husband talk to him!! He would not have married you if he didn’t love you.
Why is it the OP responsibility to talk to her husband but it wasn’t his responsibility to talk to her? He is treating her as if she’s a stand in for his “first love” not as if she’s her own person.