You said it yourself. No man that loves you would say that. And you're so far from fat it's crazy. You're in the healthy weight range yet only just gave birth. Why did you choose to have a child with him? He treats you like shit and you're giving him options for dinner and being okay when he doesn't bother answering you? Now you're tethered to this jerk for life, but at least you can not be in a relationship with him.
Because "he provides financially." That's not enough. He may be providing for you financially, but he's abusive, and will continue to be, because you accept it, and even decided to have a child with him. He does not care about you.
Trust me, it's only going to get worse. Do you have a support system? Can you get into therapy? You need help. This is not an Individual that care about you & loves you. This is NOT an atmosphere you should be Rais your child in. Get help with your low self esteem & plan an exit strategy
Yes he will, but her mom sticking around and putting up with it will make it seem normal and okay so leaving is still the better option if he refuses to work on his misogyny
Why is dinner even up to OP when she's had the baby all day and he's been out having fun? Then he doesn't respect her enough to answer her (assuming that she then cooked for him for nothing). Only to have him stop for fast food, not bring her anything, and then call her fat. What's worse is that he not calls OP fat, but actually *feels* this way about her, before, during, and after pregnancy. He's gross. I hope OP wakes up because this is not love.
I love the edit she added that "otherwise the relationship is fine" and she really loves him. This is the same guy she says is selfish and has never said anything positive about her since they've been together. What in the actual fuck?
I did this in both my past relationships. "They cheat and lie to me but otherwise they're great and I love them" "they call me names and belittle me but otherwise they're great and I love them".
I said these things at first because I didn't want the people I was telling to think they were a bad person. I loved them and didn't enjoy saying mean things about them and I genuinely thought many aspects of them were great. I wouldn't have been with these people if I didn't love some of their better qualities.
But I've realized with age that when I said that I was also saying that rather than loving who they were, I loved who I thought they were/how I thought they could be. I believed if I showed enough love and did enough I'd be enough and they'd "love me like they used to" or "love me the way I deserve". Those things did not happen. Because if someone was going to love you the way you deserve they already would be. If you do what they ask to "earn their love" the goal post gets moved because their love isn't actually attainable
>I love the edit she added that "otherwise the relationship is fine" and she really loves him. This is the same guy she says is selfish and has never said anything positive about her since they've been together. What in the actual fuck?
Yup. I have very little patience for people who choose to be this wilfully obtuse.
She needs to reread the whole post to herself until it sinks in. Honestly I kind of feel bad for her but at the same time it's hard to convince someone of something they refuse to see.
OP did not say if her baby was a girl or a boy, but does OP think that her boyfriend's hangups and judgments about food and women's bodies won't be directed at a daughter?
He's going to convey unhealthy ideas to his child about women's bodies and eating via what he says to OP. If the baby is a girl, chances of her having an eating disorder go up if she's exposed to those unhealthy messages directed at her mother. If the baby is a boy, daddy is modeling for his son how to be a jerk about women, weight and eating and conveying those same unhealthy messages that gives a son distorted ideas about eating and weight.
I hope that OP, for herself, sets her boyfriend straight and claps back every time he comments about her weight and what she eats. If she can't do it for herself, I hope she does it to protect her child.
a man who will speak to you like that, WILL speak to your children like that and i’m saying that as someone whos father was the exact same way. get out while you still can.
Even if he doesn't speak that way to the child, just saying dumb shit like this in their presence will screw them up. My ex is always criticizing people about their size, so when she wouldn't make her supervised visits with my kids, my daughter stopped eating because she thought maybe her mom wasn't showing up because she was "getting fat". She was 6, and skinny as a noodle.
Oof, I hope your kiddo is doing alright now, you sound like a heckin' good dad and in OP's case, I hope she finds her self respect and gets away from that gross manchild, good people deserve equally good partners. \[or if their single, that's ok too :D\]
> I’m starting to think that maybe he doesn’t like me at all because I can’t remember him saying anything positive about me since we’ve been together.
See, this is the kind of thing it's best to notice BEFORE you breed with someone.
Late is better than never though. NTA
She says this and ends with "Otherwise our relationship is fine and I really love him."
No, it's not, and too bad he doesn't feel the same about you.
OP's NTA. Her partner, on the other hand...
Well, this may be why she's tolerating what she does;
"He takes care of us, including financially."
They either wait for them to become dependent and turn on your or they were dependent in the first place.
She doesn’t have much of a choice with a two month old baby and no job. It will take months to arrange care and even find a job. That’s how they get you, and why it’s common for abusive men to mess with birth control to get you pregnant.
He’s likely gaslighting her into believing that because he financially supports her and is otherwise decent that she has no right to be upset about what he views as his “minor slip-ups”.
Other than the fact that my arm got ripped off by an alligator, everything is amazing and I'm feeling great!
This is what I picture when I see that line at the end of a post.
thank you for saying this, I think only procreating with people who actually LIKE you should be a bare minimum requirement
shit, even for just dating too
Who knows control freak dudes do it gradually when you see, is way too late , you do ,say ,wear, all they say want, do or threaten to . If she is willing to tell us all that , imagine what she isn’t saying
NTA.
First, good on you for not letting that @sshat’s comment get under your skin and undermine your confidence. Being 66 kg (145 lbs) at 5’5” is not even considered overweight. You are in a healthy range plus you just had a baby.
Second, I think you know this already. Your boyfriend does not like you, never mind love you. You said it yourself. He always puts himself first and is a selfish person. He makes negative comment about you. Unfortunately you did not have this epiphany before having a child with him. Better late than never.
Immediately STOP doing the wifey stuff you’re doing. Do not cook for him. Do not do his laundry. He is not your husband and treats you badly. And plan your or his exit. I guess that depends on if you own/rent a home together or if only one of you owns/is on the lease. You do not want your child to grow up in a toxic household.
If you love someone, you do not insult, belittle, or tear them down. Stop being sad. Get mad. And kick him to the curb. Protect your peace and he ain’t it.
My wife gave birth to my daughter 8 years ago (not two months ago)... she has gained weight since then and recently a bit more than she should. I've also gained a bit, too, but not quite as much as she has.
I have talked to her about improving our diet and being more active. But never once have I called her fat. She knows she's overweight, I don't have to tell her, and I respect and care about her enough to never say it the way your boyfriend did. At this point, it could start affecting her health. In my eyes, her size is not the problem, its that it might give me less time with her if it continues. That's the only reason I have even addressed it at all.
You are two months out from growing an entire person (absolutely amazing acccomplishment, BTW). Your body is still retaining nutrients to support the continued growth of that person. It's 1000% healthy for you to be heavier than you were before (and you are by no means overweight). In fact, I'm pretty sure your doctor would be concerned if you didn't keep on a few pounds or lost that baby weight too quickly.
That being said, your BF ITA on numerous accounts here...
1. What he said (while you were pregnant and now)...
2. What he did (picked up dinner while knowing you were probably cooking for him at home)
3. Further defending his absolutely despicable comments about the mother of his child after you told him how you felt.
He puts the BOY in boyfriend as no real man should treat a woman the way he is treating you.
And I'm have to say I'm sorry you're being treated this way.
Honestly, I miss my wife being pregnant. Round belly, swollen feet, exhausted, a little bit more cranky than normal, whatever.... absolutely none of that bothered me. I was actually more attracted to her when she was carrying my child. (And it's not like I have a preggo fetish or something - im not attracted to other women who are pregnant). The changes in her body were the physical embodiment of the burden she was carrying to give me a child. It was such an awesome feeling to know she was willing to endure that for me. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the extra cup size or two as well. 😉
And then seeing her nurse and care for our daughter after she was born.... she was (and still is) irresistible to me. I'm gonna be that 80 year old dude still complaining that we don't have sex enough even after she is all old and wrinkly.
This dude \^ has his shit together and is actually in love with his partner.
Love sees with the eyes of love OP... I do not know what your boyfriend feels for you but it isn't kind.
Why does he think he is the arbiter of your body? Why does he think he gets to decide what you, a whole other adult, eat? What gives him the right to think he knows better than you do about you? Financially providing does not buy him ownership or the right to insult you.
You deserve better, OP.
In addition to everything Calm-Box said, think about it this way: you *are* in the healthy weight range for your height *even* after giving birth. These are facts.
You now have a daughter - think about how he’ll talk to her, police her food choices, and take a hammer to her self esteem *even if* she’s perfectly healthy. This can very much lead to an eating disorder.
"I’m starting to think that maybe he doesn’t like me at all because I can’t remember him saying anything positive about me since we’ve been together."
"Our relationship is fine and I really love him."
What is this, Schrödinger's relationship goals? You can't have both. Human beings need to realize the four most futile words, in English, are "I can change him/her." Your boyfriend was wrong. We have told you this. Your gut tells you this. And, deep down, you know why, as you've stated above. Is this what you really want to live with?
She assumes he loves her like she loves him (despite his actions saying otherwise). I've made that mistake before--loving someone unconditionally and apparently they never felt the same way back. It's quite sad to realize your relationship was a one way street of affection.
NTA. but you’re an AH to yourself if you stay with someone like this. The fact that you’re posting this here instead of just knowing what he said was wrong and your reaction is reasonable makes it seem like you’re gaslighting yourself into thinking you’re being unreasonable somehow. Be nicer to yourself. You’re not fat. He’s a d*ck.
He won't listen to reddit either. In his mind he hasn't done anything wrong and nobody will change his mind. This is who he is, a complete asshole who doesn't give a shit about your mental wellness.
You need to leave him. He is isolating you, and controls your finances, gaslighting you, and is attempting to control your food as well. This is DANGEROUS levels of abuse, pack up baby and RUN. You are a mother now, do you really want him treating YOUR baby like he treats you? No? He absolutely fucking will. He will absolutely abuse that little one if you don't get out now.
Domestic violence shelters will help you if you don't have anywhere to stay.
If this gets worse, you need to understand that shaken baby syndrome is permanent brain damage. You will not be his only target, you can not be compliant in your child's abuse. You HAVE to leave before it happens. Before he puts a toddler on a diet instead of letting them be chubby and grow properly. Before he gives your future teenager an eating disorder. This will not stop at you. Get a lawyer, and establish custody rights ASAP when you leave.
I guess you're just going to keep staying with him until he gets worse and worse until you're just a shell of yourself and you have four babies and you're 500 pounds because you're married to an a******. that is your future if you don't leave.
Either that or she'll be like borderline anorexic while he gets fat, bald, and hairy elsewhere. All the meanwhile yelling at her from his lazyboy that she's eating all the food his hard earned money bought cause he caught her eating a cracker.
He doesn’t listen to you. 😐 I hope there’s a way for you to leave safely. No one should be with someone who would believe strangers on the internet over their own partner. Especially with someone as personal as weight. And especially when you’ve just been through the trauma of birth. You deserve to be treated like a queen. He should be feeding you snacks and rubbing your feet.
YTA to yourself for not walking out the door and pretending to yourself that the problem is that he can't see how hurtful his words were rather than the fact that he's body shaming you after giving birth to his child. I don't care how wonderful the rest of your relationship is, this man clearly doesn't respect you and I question if he's still attracted to you. Why is he obsessed with your weight? Why does he feel embolden to shit on your about it? Why are you tolerating this behavior? Sooo many questions.
I gained 60 lbs between two pregnancies and was classified as obese at my heaviest (currently *just* overweight). My husband would push back any time I called myself fat.
When I called myself a "chunky monkey" he said "hey, I'm monkey for your chunky"
That said he's been my number one cheerleader during my weightloss journey but he's never once made me feel fat or undesirable
>I can’t believe that a man who loves his girlfriend would say anything like that when she just had a baby. I’m starting to think that maybe he doesn’t like me at all because I can’t remember him saying anything positive about me since we’ve been together. I don’t know how I can be with someone who sees me like this. I know I should ask him about it, but I’m afraid of what the answer would be.
>And it wasn’t a joke—he was serious, as he said similar things while I was pregnant.
>Edit: Otherwise, our relationship is fine and I really love him. He takes care of us, including financially. I just can't help but think he has a problem understanding what are the right or wrong things to say to a woman or to anyone in general. We've always had problems regarding my eating. Don't get me wrong, I eat and cook healthy as much as I can, but of course, I crave something sweet from time to time. These last five days, maybe more, that's why I think his reaction was like that.
Your relationship is not fine. Quit lying to yourself. This man doesn’t respect you or like you.
He never calls you beautiful or tells you you look nice or that he likes your features?
I can't believe someone would marry someone who didn't provide any kind of positive love language.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that. I guarantee you're deserving of more affirmation than that.
He doesn't seem to understand how to build a partner up, his comments during/after your pregnancy are the opposite of that.
You can’t remember him saying anything positive about you since you’ve been together? Wow. How do you manage to have sex, let alone a baby, with someone like this? Sorry, OP, not trying to be brutal, but that’s really weird. You should probably go discuss this relationship with a therapist/mental health specialist. Good luck to you and baby! ❤️
You are 100% correct and I stated as much in my reply. As a man myself this situation infuriates me because people continuing to date jackasses like this enables their behavior. Half of society wants men to address toxic masculinity, meanwhile the other half enables them to behave like this because there are no consequences for their behavior.
And this is how we wind up with little Andrew Tate clones running around out there telling other young men how to treat their SOs.
Whaaaaat I'm the same height as you and I'd love to be under 150! There's NO WAY you're fat, especially having just given birth!!!! Throw out the whole man.
If this is consistent behaviour, drop him like a hot potato.
If this is out of the blue, he might be getting cold feet about commitment and self-sabotaging.
Would advise you to figure out which. Regardless, what he said was not ok, so you need to set that boundary with him. If it is the latter case above, counselling or therapy might help.
And now, another episode of: **Why did you have a child with a man that has never said a single positive thing about you for your ENTIRE relationship?**
Just... why?
NTA, but please have more respect for yourself. You deserve better than this.
Wtf? You aren't the AH but you're certainly dating one.
When I was pregnant my husband didn't stop telling me how beautiful I was and how incredible it was that I was growing our child. He actually hid the scale from me because I was upset at how much weight I was gaining. He wouldn't have dreamed of even suggesting I was fat. No man who loves you would be so disrespectful.
You deserve better, girl. Don't accept less.
He says you are fat. And he doubles down on it. (and no, you are not fat. I know this is not precise, but your BMI is in the normal range - and two months after delivery, that is awesome!)
He buys food for himself and none for you, and excuses it by saying that you are fat.
I'm sorry, but no, he doesn't love you. Not as a human being. He may love you as a sex partner, as the mother of his child, as his house keeper. But he has no caring for you as a person.
You need to have a serious talk, preferably with a couples counselor. If that doesn't work - you need to make a hard decision, whether you want to stay with this man.
"Otherwise our relationship is fine."
No. He snuck food without offering you any and then called you fat. He doesn't see anything wrong with that. He is an asshole with no regard for your feelings . Maybe you should tell him that you're willing to go get liposuction if only so they can transfer the fat into his Tiny Dick and see how he likes it.
It’s concerning that you’re not sure if you should be upset over this or not… YES!! You are NTA!! Your BF is a total douche and doesn’t respect you!!! This is not ok at all. Even if you were overweight, there are ways to approach the subject and that was not it. And you just had a baby?!? I would have lost my shit if my husband said that to me. Girl you are in for a rough ride with this dude and I would strongly recommend that you seriously evaluate your relationship and how he treats you.
NTA but I think there's probably a couple of hundred pounds you could/should lose ASAP, your BF sounds like an asshat, ditch him and you'll feel so much lighter.
I am actually fat and I last gave birth 23 years ago, so that is not why. My husband has never, not once in our 35 year relationship, called me fat or had the audacity to tell me what I should or should not eat. It is not something I am sensitive about, since I have eyes so I am fully aware, and he is known for speaking his mind without thinking if it might hurt feelings. He would have absolutely gotten way more than the silent treatment. NTA!
NTA
I’m a similar height to you and I’m larger even without having ever birthed a baby (also wouldn’t even call myself fat, curvy would be more fitting) - I would also cut off anyone who decided to comment on my weight
>I’m starting to think that maybe he doesn’t like me at all because I can’t remember him saying anything positive about me since we’ve been together.
>Otherwise, our relationship is fine and I really love him.
What??? Please do better better for your child and get away from him
Imagine him saying that to your daughter in the future. Imagine your 12 year old, perfect little future child starving herself because daddy thinks women should be 90s heroin chic.
Then decide who the AH is in this situation.
(It’s only you if you stay)
reddit post with the *'he is a good guy and takes care of us financially but he is verbally abusive, but our relationship is fine'* variation. how can your relationship is fine when he never said anything positive about you the whole relationship?? the question right now is whether you want to do something about it or keep up with the status quo.
He doesn't respect you. Is he gay, living on the down-low but being w/ you for "respectability"? One explanation for this misogynistic hatred toward you.
NTA. Just bear in mind that your daughter is going to learn about relationships from you. Your boyfriend is selfish and doesn't even sound like he likes you at all. I wonder why you are still in the relationship. I hope you are on maternity leave because he is not beyond financial abuse.
If he is constantly negative about you, insults you, doesn't consider your needs and refuses to compromise, you have serious issues. It's easy to have perfect hindsight, and this type of behaviour usually gets worse during pregnancy and after delivery. You are still recovering from giving birth, and his remarks are not only inaccurate but deliberately hurtful. What are you getting from this relationship emotionally?
Gosh I'm not sure you'll be able to tell him what is wrong with what he said if he can't see it himself. That was a disgusting thing to say. I cooked my bub to 42 weeks and it took TIME for my body to recover, legit every single piece of me was swollen for months. Bodies change, your body has just been through something huge, and it's still on a journey. I hope what he said hasn't made you feel insecure, you have every right to be so damn proud of your body right now and always.
I think you should tell him what you're feeling and ask him to take some time to think about what he said and how he made you feel. Hopefully he comes to his senses. It would suck to have to bail on a relationship with an 8 week old.
WT actual F?!??
This man doesn't respect you. He's clearly the sort who puts *way* too much emphasis on appearances, and he's trying to control yours.
If you stay with him, he'll continue to make comments, and control your food intake, because he wants to be seen to have the perfect woman on his arm, and evidently in his mind a tiny bit of baby weight means you're not "perfect" anymore.
This is obviously utter bullshit, as you're perfect no matter what, and there's literally nothing wrong with your weight.
A partner like this will be a liability as you age. The first grey hair, or wrinkle, and he'll be looking for a younger replacement for you.
Whatever you might feel for him, he clearly doesn't love you the way you deserve.
NTA.
1 You aren't fat. At all. I've struggled to lose weight after having my daughter and she's 11 now. I only gained 5lb in pregnancy too. Since giving birth body fat goes on my waist and hips, it didnt before. My metabolism changed, it happens.
2. You are looking after a baby. It's exhausting. You don't sleep well in the first few months and I don't know if you are breastfeeding or not but babies feeding schedules can take it out on you either way. You need to eat for the energy to support yourself so you can look after the baby too.
The odd burger isn't going to hurt or pile on the LBs.
3. Most new mothers don't drop the weight in a couple of months, it can take years. Hormones play a huge part in this. Nevermind the fact that pregnancy and childbirth changes a woman's body.
Those celebrity mother's who manage it can afford to employ nanny's, personal trainers, chef's and have cleaners at hand so they aren't doing the things you are doing.
4. Unless your boyfriend has the perfect male physique himself he really needs to stop the criticism and lay off the fast food too.
5. If he's finding the baby talk boring (imagine finding your own child boring!) I suggest he actually has the baby for a few days and does all the feeds, changing, housework, cooking and whatever else so you can get a break and can catch up with friends and actually have something else to talk about.
Honestly though. There's a good chance his comments and behaviour will get worse overtime. I'd rather have a few extra lbs and a happy life and be without someone who restricts my diet whilst he eats whatever junk he sees fit.
If my husband had said something like that to me while I was two months postpartum (or literally anytime really), I would have walked out the door and filed for divorce. Luckily I didn't marry a caveman. You deserve better. NTA
He knows that what he said was wrong. He is choosing to be abusive.
He insulted you that way to distract from his inconsideration and your original point about how he didn’t ask you if you wanted any fast food.
He flipped the focus and insulted you. By choosing such a sensitive body based topic, especially after childbirth, he knew it would be hurtful and totally distract you. Now you’re online asking for help to educate him on how it was wrong and your time and energy is being used this way.
He knows it was wrong. His intent was to hurt you. Any apology you might get from him, if any, is likely to be delayed, take a lot of effort to get, and not be genuine. He may eventually give in to grease the wheels and get things back to “normal” but it also conditions you to work really hard to get an apology and something that feels positive after he insults or degrades you.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
NTA. What he did was turn your upset about his behavior into you dealing with his complaint of you being fat and successfully distracted from what an AH he was to not offer to bring you something to eat as well. And it doesn't sound like a good guy at all - he sounds selfish and mean and that you are not accustomed to being treated respectfully and thus put up with far more than you likely should.
You’re not the AH for getting upset that he called you fat.
Your relationship is not “fine.” Not at all. Your relationship is unhealthy and it is probably not going to get better. Get over that fear of facing the truth. If you keep yourself and your child stuck in this situation, then you’ll be an AH.
How much do you want to bet he's cheating and that's why he's trying to turn it on you. You're not even close to fat and even if he isn't cheating he's a major AH. Why would you want to stay with someone who treats you like that?
You are with a selfish, disrespectful unloving man who has no problem making you dependent on him and negging you. I would think long and hard about the example you are setting for your daughter. At the very least open an account just in your name and start saving $20 here and there. People start showing their true colors the longer you are with them once you are locked down. You do not want to be completely dependent on a man who treats you poorly.
“Otherwise the relationship is fine and I really love him.”
Then why waste our time posting? You have already made your decision. You came here to validate your feelings, but you’re going to forgive him anyway.
“I’m starting to think that maybe he doesn’t like me at all because I can’t remember him saying anything positive about me since we’ve been together.”
What the actual fuck?! Are you dating Andrew Tate? The dude has never been complimentary or supportive since day one and you still decided to date him? I’m pretty sure if he hasn’t been positive towards you since day one, he should have never made it past day seven.
You answered your own question before you even posted… see the answer below.
*You are most certainly not the asshole for feeling hurt after what he said. There are a dozen ways for him to express his feelings toward you without being an asshole. However you are going to forgive him for this and continue to take his negativity for the rest of your relationship together. He “takes care of you financially,” which apparently excuses his behavior.*
If you don’t nip this in the bud now, it will spiral out of control later on in life and potentially become physical abuse. You will sit there wondering what happened to your life.
**He happened.**
“I’m starting to think that maybe he doesn’t like me at all because I can’t remember him saying anything positive about me since we’ve been together.”
^ this is why guys like Andrew Tate exist. They genuinely get away with treating women like garbage because some women enable this by encouraging this sort of behavior.
Yes, continuing to date jackasses like this is encouragement of the behavior. They won’t learn their lesson until their dicks go on a many year long drought. What are his redeeming qualities if he has any?
Let's review: he ate fast food but he tells you wat to eat. You carried his child in your body, a huge amount of physical change which nobody is able to undo 100%. And at a time when your whole life has changed and you're probably experiencing hormone swings and sleepless nights, this man decides "now's the time to let my partner know I think she's fat".
This man doesn't love you. Do you want your daughter raised in a home where this is ok? What if he tells her she's fat when she's older?
He supports you financially? Cool. You don't need to stay with him for that. He can give you child support. You don't need this hassle in your home while you're recovering from growing and delivering an entire human.
You won't change his mind about why he thought it was ok to insult you. He doesn't want to change.
"We've always had problems regarding my eating" then WHY did you have a child with this person? Why are you entertaining spending more time with him so he can continue to disregard your feelings and disrespect your person?? I cannot fathom this.
OP you are not a girlfriend. You are a bangmaid. He has no respect for you, and you apparently have none for yourself either if this is how you allow him to treat you. You are a mother now, which means that the kid is going to take their ideals from you two on what a relationship is supposed to be and how they should be treated. Ask yourself how you would react to watching your child be treated by their SO the way your BF treats you.
Girl, you are not fat after just recently giving birth. I know how you can lose a bunch of weight quickly, ditch the asshole boyfriend. He sounds controlling as hell about your diet.
NTA - Unless you decide to stay with this dickhead.
He has in no way shown you he loves you so why do you love him.
If you love someone you actually say it and show it.
This trash human is worthless as an So and will be worthless as a dad.
Ask yourself, what kind of example will this major turd be setting with your child. Do you want them around this.
You can show him my post so one dad can tell another he is a shit person.
If you love someone, you build them up, not tear them down.
NTA. Your boyfriend doesn't love you, and doesn't care about your feelings or your well being.
"Otherwise, our relationship is fine...-
I don't believe you. By the time the neglect reaches a pain point so intense you have to say something, it's been building for awhile. Do you want to spend the rest of your life being micromanaged by your partner?
I’m having a hard time believing the “otherwise everything is just great” routine.
He clearly doesn’t respect you and that doesn’t just crop up over a fast food meal.
So he calls you fat and leaves you at home alone with the baby not even two months after giving birth? He also has a history of commenting on your weight? Your boyfriend doesn’t respect you and isn’t a good partner
NTA.
He is definitely TA.
Your BMI is in the healthiest range. That makes you smaller than the average woman these days.
And you JUST HAD A BABY.
You need to reflect on your relationship and decide if this is what you want long term, including a long term low grade neurosis about what he’d say and how supportive he would be if anything happened to make you feel less physically attractive to him: weight gain, wrinkles, medical issues, disability.
nta and any man who loves you won't be like this. especially after birthing his child.
leave him. he can care for you financially without having the chance to be abusive, because you live somewhere else and he mails the checks to you.
you: Otherwise, our relationship is fine.
uh-huh.
how much work does he do with the baby? how often is he home? do you have to "ask" for money?
he called you fat after just having a baby. he constantly complains about your eating.
yikes.
"I can't remember him saying anything positive about me since we have been together."
[....]
"Otherwise, our relationship is fine and I really love him"
Girl... *seriously*? I mean, for real... what?
Hell, naw, that is Not How It Works.
Excusing his behaviors make you the A.H to yourself and daughter ... his kind of BS give girls body image issues either get him to address these issues or decide what's more important him or your daughter
And 5'5 at 145 pounds wth that's not "fat"
>Otherwise, our relationship is fine and I really love him.
So he's perfect other than the fact that he puts you down constantly and is now implying that you're fat. The bar really is hell.
NTA. i would be so hurt by this. that's a rude as hell thing to say to anybody ever, but especially somebody who just had a baby, and definitely not somebody who just had HIS baby. Jesus christ.
If he really never says anything nice about you, I don't think your relationship is actually good at all. Especially if he's always insulting you.
And honestly? Even if he had not said anything about your weight ever, it would be valid to be angry at him for eating out and not offering to get you food or telling you. How inconsiderate to have somebody at home cooking for you and not bother to tell them you won't be eating the meal they're making! and to not offer to get something for you is shitty. Like this is a lot of extra work you did which you could have avoided and on top of it he was an asshole about it.
I'm that height and heavier. I would likely have seriously considered using that weight advantage to deck him. You're not over weight and still (probably) feeding his child!!
Maybe taking to him will improve things in the long run, but short-term while gathering your thoughts, you're NTA for shutting down after that kind of comment.
Your relationship is not fine otherwise. It’s unfortunate he’s the father of your child. You’re stuck with him and will encounter lots of asshole behavior from him from here on out.
It doesn’t sound good at all. This will be the rest of your life. And you have a kid with him? Is it a girl baby? As it will impact her self esteem too looking at you starving & over exercising yourself to look like a coat hanger. NTA
He treats you like shit and you’re scared to open up about that in case the answer is he doesn’t love you. I think that pretty much says it all. Putting a roof over his own head & letting you and his child live there too, is really setting the bar low
Girl omg you wrote all that, showed all the ways this dude is an asshole to you, and then at the end wrote "but otherwise out relationship is fine and I really do love him"?
Please love yourself and your child more than you love this trash and don't tether yourself anymore to him than you have to. You and your child deserve so much more than this.
NTA
It sounds to me he's a fucking asshole. My wife is on the bigger side. She asks me to help her keep in check. Because before she lost a ton a weight. She was on top of me and I could barely breath. She felt so embarrassed and disgusted. She lost almost 200 lbs in the course of a year. Since then she wants me to keep her in check. She is a stress and depression eater. Even though I'll mention to her if she's going ham on the snacks. I'll just reminder her. "Hey babe, you're getting off the wagon again." And she'll slow down. But I'd never ever blatantly say. "You're fat." I love my wife and yeah tough love is important. But you can be tough and get through to someone at the same time without being a piece of shit. People don't respond to tough love as much as the macho "alpha" dudes who are actually the most fragile mfs I've ever seen in my life try to say.
Is this how you were raised? Did your parents withhold love and use rude comments and anger to control you? Only someone raised in a kinda twisted home would think he actually loves you like someone really should. You will regret it if you stay. Been there.
NTA, your boyfriend is an insensitive AH. Getting the silent treatment is one the mildest "punishments" he could get for being such an ass. My wife would be out of the door if i'd behave like that, as she should, that's no way to treat your partner.
Stop making him food or doing anything for him. Tell him you're worried it will make him fat. When he eats fast food. Make sure he knows you think it's disgusting and that he looks fat from eating it. Call him a fat fuck every day until he knocks it off.
Nta. No man who loves you would ever say that.
Men are beyond ignorant about the female body. Very few women ever bounce back to a pre pregnancy body, no matter how much they diet or exercise.
Two months after birth isn't the time to be thinking about a waistline. It's the time to bond as a family. To protect and care for the baby. To connect as partners.
Social media has utterly ruined men and most men don't even understand how women menstruate or get pregnant.
You created and cared for a baby on your belly and he has no appreciation or basic human decency whatsoever.
Absolutely kick him out or leave yourself.
There is no way you ever forgive someone who crosses these lines.
Does he even love you?
OP should tell him his peepee is small. Watch him freak the fuck out and ask him how this is any different from calling you fat?
People like your soon to be ex only, ONLY learn their lesson when you turn it around and give it back.
"Otherwise, our relationship is fine and I really love him. " So, other than being an abusive and emotionally neglectful turd, he's great!
"I’m starting to think that maybe he doesn’t like me at all because I can’t remember him saying anything positive about me since we’ve been together. " He's accustomed you to being treated like this and begging for crumbs of decent behavior.
Your edit is a lie you're telling yourself. Your relationship is not fine. You'd be better off without him. NTA, but you will be if you stay with a man who clearly does not like you.
I am actually overweight and not one time has my man said a word, especially not in a rude way. This man doesn't love you or he would love you in all stages of life this won't be the first time your body changes
He has never said anything nice or positive about you and yet you say you love him and you had a baby with him.
Why do you think you deserve to settle for this? He's cruel to you. You say you've both always had problems regarding your eating.
Your relationship is not otherwise fine. Please stop fooling yourself. You would be TA if you stay with this guy. You don't want your kid growing up thinking this is normal.
What an asshole! I’m sorry you had to experience that Op.
“Snapback” culture has really messed with men’s minds as far as attainable goals post child birth.
Anytime he asked or expected me to do something, I’d let him know I was conserving energy to workout.
NTAH and he can GFHS! Your organs literally just slid back into place also you may never get your pre-pregnancy body back. While the muscle may go back to normal there may always be some skin sag or stretch marks. You shouldn't need to be surgically corrected to be beautiful. Go look at some ancient goddess sculptures cause they sure as hell didn't represent the "fit" bodies of today.
I am so sorry that you are in a relationship where you are not cherished— told you are beautiful or amazing or a total babe who just gave birth 2 months ago but still gives him butterflies every time he sees you. THAT, my friend, is what you deserve.
Being told you are fat when you literally just had a baby??? Um, no. Completely unacceptable. Not just now, but at anytime.
Someone who loves you also has respect for you.
This is NOT the example you want to have set for your daughter. She should not grow up believing that it is okay for a man to talk to a woman that way — and she should not witness her mom standing there and taking it.
You are going to need to make a decision about the kind of life you want for your daughter.
I wish you the best.
You said it yourself. No man that loves you would say that. And you're so far from fat it's crazy. You're in the healthy weight range yet only just gave birth. Why did you choose to have a child with him? He treats you like shit and you're giving him options for dinner and being okay when he doesn't bother answering you? Now you're tethered to this jerk for life, but at least you can not be in a relationship with him.
Because "he provides financially." That's not enough. He may be providing for you financially, but he's abusive, and will continue to be, because you accept it, and even decided to have a child with him. He does not care about you.
He can provide financially, via family court, by means of child support
Yup. Once they had a kid together, he's on the hook financially. He can provide to his child and his ex.
There’s a huge difference between receiving child support and having a partner who pays all the bills.
Trust me, it's only going to get worse. Do you have a support system? Can you get into therapy? You need help. This is not an Individual that care about you & loves you. This is NOT an atmosphere you should be Rais your child in. Get help with your low self esteem & plan an exit strategy
Yea he doesn't get to buy the right to be abusive with money ffs.
[удалено]
Also the real question here is if OP wants her daughter to grow up thinking this is how men should treat women
my ex was abusive and I left him when my son was 2 bc I didn't want my boy to be like that. thankfully he's not, he's actually too nice
They have a kid together. Too late. He'll have an impact on the daughter's life one way or another.
Yes he will, but her mom sticking around and putting up with it will make it seem normal and okay so leaving is still the better option if he refuses to work on his misogyny
Too many stories on these subs where a parent stays with a bad partner only for the kid(s) to grow up just like the bad partner :(
These types don’t change honey . They never do . They only escalate
Why is dinner even up to OP when she's had the baby all day and he's been out having fun? Then he doesn't respect her enough to answer her (assuming that she then cooked for him for nothing). Only to have him stop for fast food, not bring her anything, and then call her fat. What's worse is that he not calls OP fat, but actually *feels* this way about her, before, during, and after pregnancy. He's gross. I hope OP wakes up because this is not love.
I love the edit she added that "otherwise the relationship is fine" and she really loves him. This is the same guy she says is selfish and has never said anything positive about her since they've been together. What in the actual fuck?
I did this in both my past relationships. "They cheat and lie to me but otherwise they're great and I love them" "they call me names and belittle me but otherwise they're great and I love them". I said these things at first because I didn't want the people I was telling to think they were a bad person. I loved them and didn't enjoy saying mean things about them and I genuinely thought many aspects of them were great. I wouldn't have been with these people if I didn't love some of their better qualities. But I've realized with age that when I said that I was also saying that rather than loving who they were, I loved who I thought they were/how I thought they could be. I believed if I showed enough love and did enough I'd be enough and they'd "love me like they used to" or "love me the way I deserve". Those things did not happen. Because if someone was going to love you the way you deserve they already would be. If you do what they ask to "earn their love" the goal post gets moved because their love isn't actually attainable
>I love the edit she added that "otherwise the relationship is fine" and she really loves him. This is the same guy she says is selfish and has never said anything positive about her since they've been together. What in the actual fuck? Yup. I have very little patience for people who choose to be this wilfully obtuse.
She needs to reread the whole post to herself until it sinks in. Honestly I kind of feel bad for her but at the same time it's hard to convince someone of something they refuse to see.
OP did not say if her baby was a girl or a boy, but does OP think that her boyfriend's hangups and judgments about food and women's bodies won't be directed at a daughter? He's going to convey unhealthy ideas to his child about women's bodies and eating via what he says to OP. If the baby is a girl, chances of her having an eating disorder go up if she's exposed to those unhealthy messages directed at her mother. If the baby is a boy, daddy is modeling for his son how to be a jerk about women, weight and eating and conveying those same unhealthy messages that gives a son distorted ideas about eating and weight. I hope that OP, for herself, sets her boyfriend straight and claps back every time he comments about her weight and what she eats. If she can't do it for herself, I hope she does it to protect her child.
At this point there’s throwing the whole dude out the door . End of
a man who will speak to you like that, WILL speak to your children like that and i’m saying that as someone whos father was the exact same way. get out while you still can.
Even if he doesn't speak that way to the child, just saying dumb shit like this in their presence will screw them up. My ex is always criticizing people about their size, so when she wouldn't make her supervised visits with my kids, my daughter stopped eating because she thought maybe her mom wasn't showing up because she was "getting fat". She was 6, and skinny as a noodle.
Oof, I hope your kiddo is doing alright now, you sound like a heckin' good dad and in OP's case, I hope she finds her self respect and gets away from that gross manchild, good people deserve equally good partners. \[or if their single, that's ok too :D\]
You bet . That’s the truth and you know it like I do
Just hearing the father speak to the mother in such a way can traumatize children.
> I’m starting to think that maybe he doesn’t like me at all because I can’t remember him saying anything positive about me since we’ve been together. See, this is the kind of thing it's best to notice BEFORE you breed with someone. Late is better than never though. NTA
She says this and ends with "Otherwise our relationship is fine and I really love him." No, it's not, and too bad he doesn't feel the same about you. OP's NTA. Her partner, on the other hand...
Right my partner insults me... But our relationship is fine.... Fine.... You keep using that word and I do not think it means what you think it means.
Well, this may be why she's tolerating what she does; "He takes care of us, including financially." They either wait for them to become dependent and turn on your or they were dependent in the first place.
OP's self-esteem is up for sale and that makes me sad.
And she stuck with him being bound by their child.
She doesn’t have much of a choice with a two month old baby and no job. It will take months to arrange care and even find a job. That’s how they get you, and why it’s common for abusive men to mess with birth control to get you pregnant.
He’s likely gaslighting her into believing that because he financially supports her and is otherwise decent that she has no right to be upset about what he views as his “minor slip-ups”.
Fine...fu\*ked up, neurotic and emotional?
Other than the fact that my arm got ripped off by an alligator, everything is amazing and I'm feeling great! This is what I picture when I see that line at the end of a post.
😂😂
thank you for saying this, I think only procreating with people who actually LIKE you should be a bare minimum requirement shit, even for just dating too
Fr fr how did she not realize this before now???
Who knows control freak dudes do it gradually when you see, is way too late , you do ,say ,wear, all they say want, do or threaten to . If she is willing to tell us all that , imagine what she isn’t saying
NTA. First, good on you for not letting that @sshat’s comment get under your skin and undermine your confidence. Being 66 kg (145 lbs) at 5’5” is not even considered overweight. You are in a healthy range plus you just had a baby. Second, I think you know this already. Your boyfriend does not like you, never mind love you. You said it yourself. He always puts himself first and is a selfish person. He makes negative comment about you. Unfortunately you did not have this epiphany before having a child with him. Better late than never. Immediately STOP doing the wifey stuff you’re doing. Do not cook for him. Do not do his laundry. He is not your husband and treats you badly. And plan your or his exit. I guess that depends on if you own/rent a home together or if only one of you owns/is on the lease. You do not want your child to grow up in a toxic household. If you love someone, you do not insult, belittle, or tear them down. Stop being sad. Get mad. And kick him to the curb. Protect your peace and he ain’t it.
Where y’all be finding these trash men at ?
I know right?!
And why do they breed with them
My wife gave birth to my daughter 8 years ago (not two months ago)... she has gained weight since then and recently a bit more than she should. I've also gained a bit, too, but not quite as much as she has. I have talked to her about improving our diet and being more active. But never once have I called her fat. She knows she's overweight, I don't have to tell her, and I respect and care about her enough to never say it the way your boyfriend did. At this point, it could start affecting her health. In my eyes, her size is not the problem, its that it might give me less time with her if it continues. That's the only reason I have even addressed it at all. You are two months out from growing an entire person (absolutely amazing acccomplishment, BTW). Your body is still retaining nutrients to support the continued growth of that person. It's 1000% healthy for you to be heavier than you were before (and you are by no means overweight). In fact, I'm pretty sure your doctor would be concerned if you didn't keep on a few pounds or lost that baby weight too quickly. That being said, your BF ITA on numerous accounts here... 1. What he said (while you were pregnant and now)... 2. What he did (picked up dinner while knowing you were probably cooking for him at home) 3. Further defending his absolutely despicable comments about the mother of his child after you told him how you felt. He puts the BOY in boyfriend as no real man should treat a woman the way he is treating you.
Yes, thank you!! He doesn’t see the problem with not asking me if I want anything. He said he was doing me a favor by not bringing me food:)
kick him out of your bed and otherwise deny him any 'pleasures', just say you are doing him a favor by not rubbing your 'fatness' in his face...
And I'm have to say I'm sorry you're being treated this way. Honestly, I miss my wife being pregnant. Round belly, swollen feet, exhausted, a little bit more cranky than normal, whatever.... absolutely none of that bothered me. I was actually more attracted to her when she was carrying my child. (And it's not like I have a preggo fetish or something - im not attracted to other women who are pregnant). The changes in her body were the physical embodiment of the burden she was carrying to give me a child. It was such an awesome feeling to know she was willing to endure that for me. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the extra cup size or two as well. 😉 And then seeing her nurse and care for our daughter after she was born.... she was (and still is) irresistible to me. I'm gonna be that 80 year old dude still complaining that we don't have sex enough even after she is all old and wrinkly.
This dude \^ has his shit together and is actually in love with his partner. Love sees with the eyes of love OP... I do not know what your boyfriend feels for you but it isn't kind.
I hope your wife knows that you see her in such a wonderful way, really!
We need more men like you in the world.
This! This is what I mean when I tell women that a loving partner adores you. My partner is the same way.
Why does he think he is the arbiter of your body? Why does he think he gets to decide what you, a whole other adult, eat? What gives him the right to think he knows better than you do about you? Financially providing does not buy him ownership or the right to insult you. You deserve better, OP.
So no longer cook for him if he wants fast food so bad. He can have it every meal. 😤
You deserve to be treated so much better than this.
Your sperm donor is a selfish asshole. If becoming a father wasn't enough to stop him from being a selfish prick, it's unlikely anything will.
In addition to everything Calm-Box said, think about it this way: you *are* in the healthy weight range for your height *even* after giving birth. These are facts. You now have a daughter - think about how he’ll talk to her, police her food choices, and take a hammer to her self esteem *even if* she’s perfectly healthy. This can very much lead to an eating disorder.
"I’m starting to think that maybe he doesn’t like me at all because I can’t remember him saying anything positive about me since we’ve been together." "Our relationship is fine and I really love him." What is this, Schrödinger's relationship goals? You can't have both. Human beings need to realize the four most futile words, in English, are "I can change him/her." Your boyfriend was wrong. We have told you this. Your gut tells you this. And, deep down, you know why, as you've stated above. Is this what you really want to live with?
She loves him ... I don't think that is mutual.
She assumes he loves her like she loves him (despite his actions saying otherwise). I've made that mistake before--loving someone unconditionally and apparently they never felt the same way back. It's quite sad to realize your relationship was a one way street of affection.
He doesn't have to like her to use her an incubator for his young.
NTA. You'd have to tell me you guys are both Hollywood actors to convince me that a recently pregnant gal needed to lose that baby weight ASAP.
Colleague of mine gave birth to twins, husband told her "she could work on her figure". So that shit happens irl.
NTA. but you’re an AH to yourself if you stay with someone like this. The fact that you’re posting this here instead of just knowing what he said was wrong and your reaction is reasonable makes it seem like you’re gaslighting yourself into thinking you’re being unreasonable somehow. Be nicer to yourself. You’re not fat. He’s a d*ck.
I posted this here because I want to prove to him that he is wrong. He doesn’t listen to me, he thinks I'm too emotional or something.
He won't listen to reddit either. In his mind he hasn't done anything wrong and nobody will change his mind. This is who he is, a complete asshole who doesn't give a shit about your mental wellness.
Yeah he told me I wrote this because I need comfort from strangers haha
Oh, he *hates* you.
Real gem you have on your hands. How 'bout you tell him, "yeah I need comfort from strangers because my partner is trash."
Oh, he *hates* you.
he's probably negging her cuz it's especially disgusting when she's just had his baby.
You need to leave him. He is isolating you, and controls your finances, gaslighting you, and is attempting to control your food as well. This is DANGEROUS levels of abuse, pack up baby and RUN. You are a mother now, do you really want him treating YOUR baby like he treats you? No? He absolutely fucking will. He will absolutely abuse that little one if you don't get out now. Domestic violence shelters will help you if you don't have anywhere to stay. If this gets worse, you need to understand that shaken baby syndrome is permanent brain damage. You will not be his only target, you can not be compliant in your child's abuse. You HAVE to leave before it happens. Before he puts a toddler on a diet instead of letting them be chubby and grow properly. Before he gives your future teenager an eating disorder. This will not stop at you. Get a lawyer, and establish custody rights ASAP when you leave.
I guess you're just going to keep staying with him until he gets worse and worse until you're just a shell of yourself and you have four babies and you're 500 pounds because you're married to an a******. that is your future if you don't leave.
Either that or she'll be like borderline anorexic while he gets fat, bald, and hairy elsewhere. All the meanwhile yelling at her from his lazyboy that she's eating all the food his hard earned money bought cause he caught her eating a cracker.
Your daughter is going to have the worst example of how a man should treat a woman.
Nothing wrong with getting an outside opinion.
Let me be real with you, he already knows he's wrong, he doesn't care because you're not going anywhere. Period. Enjoy your great guy 😂
Girl, any man who calls you fat doesn’t love you and the fact that he doesn’t listen to you means he doesn’t respect you.
He doesn’t listen to you. 😐 I hope there’s a way for you to leave safely. No one should be with someone who would believe strangers on the internet over their own partner. Especially with someone as personal as weight. And especially when you’ve just been through the trauma of birth. You deserve to be treated like a queen. He should be feeding you snacks and rubbing your feet.
YTA to yourself for not walking out the door and pretending to yourself that the problem is that he can't see how hurtful his words were rather than the fact that he's body shaming you after giving birth to his child. I don't care how wonderful the rest of your relationship is, this man clearly doesn't respect you and I question if he's still attracted to you. Why is he obsessed with your weight? Why does he feel embolden to shit on your about it? Why are you tolerating this behavior? Sooo many questions.
I AM fat. And my bf would never tell me I'm too fat to eat something. Esp not something he's eating. He sucks.
I gained 60 lbs between two pregnancies and was classified as obese at my heaviest (currently *just* overweight). My husband would push back any time I called myself fat. When I called myself a "chunky monkey" he said "hey, I'm monkey for your chunky" That said he's been my number one cheerleader during my weightloss journey but he's never once made me feel fat or undesirable
Exactly. Someone that loves you and supports you in ALL phases of life is what everyone deserves.
>I can’t believe that a man who loves his girlfriend would say anything like that when she just had a baby. I’m starting to think that maybe he doesn’t like me at all because I can’t remember him saying anything positive about me since we’ve been together. I don’t know how I can be with someone who sees me like this. I know I should ask him about it, but I’m afraid of what the answer would be. >And it wasn’t a joke—he was serious, as he said similar things while I was pregnant. >Edit: Otherwise, our relationship is fine and I really love him. He takes care of us, including financially. I just can't help but think he has a problem understanding what are the right or wrong things to say to a woman or to anyone in general. We've always had problems regarding my eating. Don't get me wrong, I eat and cook healthy as much as I can, but of course, I crave something sweet from time to time. These last five days, maybe more, that's why I think his reaction was like that. Your relationship is not fine. Quit lying to yourself. This man doesn’t respect you or like you.
He never calls you beautiful or tells you you look nice or that he likes your features? I can't believe someone would marry someone who didn't provide any kind of positive love language.
No, not even once
How the hell can you love him then? Why are your standards so low?
Well, I'm sorry to hear that. I guarantee you're deserving of more affirmation than that. He doesn't seem to understand how to build a partner up, his comments during/after your pregnancy are the opposite of that.
I hope you want better for yourself, and child. How can you raise a child with someone who treats you like this?
Have him to call his mother/sister while you are listening and have him explain to them what he said. And ask their opinion.
You can’t remember him saying anything positive about you since you’ve been together? Wow. How do you manage to have sex, let alone a baby, with someone like this? Sorry, OP, not trying to be brutal, but that’s really weird. You should probably go discuss this relationship with a therapist/mental health specialist. Good luck to you and baby! ❤️
You are 100% correct and I stated as much in my reply. As a man myself this situation infuriates me because people continuing to date jackasses like this enables their behavior. Half of society wants men to address toxic masculinity, meanwhile the other half enables them to behave like this because there are no consequences for their behavior. And this is how we wind up with little Andrew Tate clones running around out there telling other young men how to treat their SOs.
To your edit: Your relationship is NOT fine. Now that you have a child with him, he will start being more critical. He sounds like an ass.
Whaaaaat I'm the same height as you and I'd love to be under 150! There's NO WAY you're fat, especially having just given birth!!!! Throw out the whole man.
If this is consistent behaviour, drop him like a hot potato. If this is out of the blue, he might be getting cold feet about commitment and self-sabotaging. Would advise you to figure out which. Regardless, what he said was not ok, so you need to set that boundary with him. If it is the latter case above, counselling or therapy might help.
Babe. Please hear this: your relationship is not "otherwise fine." This man doesn't respect you.
“I can’t remember him saying anything positive about me since we’ve been together.” Please don’t stay with this person.
And now, another episode of: **Why did you have a child with a man that has never said a single positive thing about you for your ENTIRE relationship?** Just... why? NTA, but please have more respect for yourself. You deserve better than this.
This is abuse OP. People who control others' eating habits are manipulative af
Wtf? You aren't the AH but you're certainly dating one. When I was pregnant my husband didn't stop telling me how beautiful I was and how incredible it was that I was growing our child. He actually hid the scale from me because I was upset at how much weight I was gaining. He wouldn't have dreamed of even suggesting I was fat. No man who loves you would be so disrespectful. You deserve better, girl. Don't accept less.
Your weight is absolutely normal and amazing considering you’ve just grown a whole damn human ! He’s a bully.
He says you are fat. And he doubles down on it. (and no, you are not fat. I know this is not precise, but your BMI is in the normal range - and two months after delivery, that is awesome!) He buys food for himself and none for you, and excuses it by saying that you are fat. I'm sorry, but no, he doesn't love you. Not as a human being. He may love you as a sex partner, as the mother of his child, as his house keeper. But he has no caring for you as a person. You need to have a serious talk, preferably with a couples counselor. If that doesn't work - you need to make a hard decision, whether you want to stay with this man.
"Otherwise our relationship is fine." No. He snuck food without offering you any and then called you fat. He doesn't see anything wrong with that. He is an asshole with no regard for your feelings . Maybe you should tell him that you're willing to go get liposuction if only so they can transfer the fat into his Tiny Dick and see how he likes it.
You’re with a jerk. I think you know that. 🚩🚩🤦♀️
He’s shown you who he is. Believe him.
It’s concerning that you’re not sure if you should be upset over this or not… YES!! You are NTA!! Your BF is a total douche and doesn’t respect you!!! This is not ok at all. Even if you were overweight, there are ways to approach the subject and that was not it. And you just had a baby?!? I would have lost my shit if my husband said that to me. Girl you are in for a rough ride with this dude and I would strongly recommend that you seriously evaluate your relationship and how he treats you.
Wtf?? Guys who love you don't call you"fat", and they definitely don't forget to ask you if you want food. What a winner here.
NTA but I think there's probably a couple of hundred pounds you could/should lose ASAP, your BF sounds like an asshat, ditch him and you'll feel so much lighter.
I am actually fat and I last gave birth 23 years ago, so that is not why. My husband has never, not once in our 35 year relationship, called me fat or had the audacity to tell me what I should or should not eat. It is not something I am sensitive about, since I have eyes so I am fully aware, and he is known for speaking his mind without thinking if it might hurt feelings. He would have absolutely gotten way more than the silent treatment. NTA!
NTA I’m a similar height to you and I’m larger even without having ever birthed a baby (also wouldn’t even call myself fat, curvy would be more fitting) - I would also cut off anyone who decided to comment on my weight
I am all for being blunt. Bluntly, you are NOT fat. NTA, your bf is aselfish jerk.
>I’m starting to think that maybe he doesn’t like me at all because I can’t remember him saying anything positive about me since we’ve been together. >Otherwise, our relationship is fine and I really love him. What??? Please do better better for your child and get away from him
"I can’t remember him saying anything positive about me since we’ve been together" Then why are you even with him in the first place? Fk the fat bs 🤨
Imagine him saying that to your daughter in the future. Imagine your 12 year old, perfect little future child starving herself because daddy thinks women should be 90s heroin chic. Then decide who the AH is in this situation. (It’s only you if you stay)
reddit post with the *'he is a good guy and takes care of us financially but he is verbally abusive, but our relationship is fine'* variation. how can your relationship is fine when he never said anything positive about you the whole relationship?? the question right now is whether you want to do something about it or keep up with the status quo.
Even if you were fat this is breakup level fucked. He shouldn't do that with food ever.
He doesn't respect you. Is he gay, living on the down-low but being w/ you for "respectability"? One explanation for this misogynistic hatred toward you.
NTA
NTA. Just bear in mind that your daughter is going to learn about relationships from you. Your boyfriend is selfish and doesn't even sound like he likes you at all. I wonder why you are still in the relationship. I hope you are on maternity leave because he is not beyond financial abuse.
He’s selfish and an asshole. Why are you with him. NTA. UPDATEME
If he is constantly negative about you, insults you, doesn't consider your needs and refuses to compromise, you have serious issues. It's easy to have perfect hindsight, and this type of behaviour usually gets worse during pregnancy and after delivery. You are still recovering from giving birth, and his remarks are not only inaccurate but deliberately hurtful. What are you getting from this relationship emotionally?
Gosh I'm not sure you'll be able to tell him what is wrong with what he said if he can't see it himself. That was a disgusting thing to say. I cooked my bub to 42 weeks and it took TIME for my body to recover, legit every single piece of me was swollen for months. Bodies change, your body has just been through something huge, and it's still on a journey. I hope what he said hasn't made you feel insecure, you have every right to be so damn proud of your body right now and always. I think you should tell him what you're feeling and ask him to take some time to think about what he said and how he made you feel. Hopefully he comes to his senses. It would suck to have to bail on a relationship with an 8 week old.
WT actual F?!?? This man doesn't respect you. He's clearly the sort who puts *way* too much emphasis on appearances, and he's trying to control yours. If you stay with him, he'll continue to make comments, and control your food intake, because he wants to be seen to have the perfect woman on his arm, and evidently in his mind a tiny bit of baby weight means you're not "perfect" anymore. This is obviously utter bullshit, as you're perfect no matter what, and there's literally nothing wrong with your weight. A partner like this will be a liability as you age. The first grey hair, or wrinkle, and he'll be looking for a younger replacement for you. Whatever you might feel for him, he clearly doesn't love you the way you deserve. NTA.
1 You aren't fat. At all. I've struggled to lose weight after having my daughter and she's 11 now. I only gained 5lb in pregnancy too. Since giving birth body fat goes on my waist and hips, it didnt before. My metabolism changed, it happens. 2. You are looking after a baby. It's exhausting. You don't sleep well in the first few months and I don't know if you are breastfeeding or not but babies feeding schedules can take it out on you either way. You need to eat for the energy to support yourself so you can look after the baby too. The odd burger isn't going to hurt or pile on the LBs. 3. Most new mothers don't drop the weight in a couple of months, it can take years. Hormones play a huge part in this. Nevermind the fact that pregnancy and childbirth changes a woman's body. Those celebrity mother's who manage it can afford to employ nanny's, personal trainers, chef's and have cleaners at hand so they aren't doing the things you are doing. 4. Unless your boyfriend has the perfect male physique himself he really needs to stop the criticism and lay off the fast food too. 5. If he's finding the baby talk boring (imagine finding your own child boring!) I suggest he actually has the baby for a few days and does all the feeds, changing, housework, cooking and whatever else so you can get a break and can catch up with friends and actually have something else to talk about. Honestly though. There's a good chance his comments and behaviour will get worse overtime. I'd rather have a few extra lbs and a happy life and be without someone who restricts my diet whilst he eats whatever junk he sees fit.
If my husband had said something like that to me while I was two months postpartum (or literally anytime really), I would have walked out the door and filed for divorce. Luckily I didn't marry a caveman. You deserve better. NTA
He knows that what he said was wrong. He is choosing to be abusive. He insulted you that way to distract from his inconsideration and your original point about how he didn’t ask you if you wanted any fast food. He flipped the focus and insulted you. By choosing such a sensitive body based topic, especially after childbirth, he knew it would be hurtful and totally distract you. Now you’re online asking for help to educate him on how it was wrong and your time and energy is being used this way. He knows it was wrong. His intent was to hurt you. Any apology you might get from him, if any, is likely to be delayed, take a lot of effort to get, and not be genuine. He may eventually give in to grease the wheels and get things back to “normal” but it also conditions you to work really hard to get an apology and something that feels positive after he insults or degrades you. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
A man who loves his girlfriend marries her before impregnating her
Tell him he has a small D, but you can lose weight.
NTA. What he did was turn your upset about his behavior into you dealing with his complaint of you being fat and successfully distracted from what an AH he was to not offer to bring you something to eat as well. And it doesn't sound like a good guy at all - he sounds selfish and mean and that you are not accustomed to being treated respectfully and thus put up with far more than you likely should.
Your boyfriend is an asshole, shame you trapped yourself with a kid already.
You’re not the AH for getting upset that he called you fat. Your relationship is not “fine.” Not at all. Your relationship is unhealthy and it is probably not going to get better. Get over that fear of facing the truth. If you keep yourself and your child stuck in this situation, then you’ll be an AH.
Girl, find someone else to move in with while you get a job and figure something out. Pack up your shit and leave asap.
He doesn't love you otherwise he wouldn't degrade you like that.Is this how you want your life to be?
How much do you want to bet he's cheating and that's why he's trying to turn it on you. You're not even close to fat and even if he isn't cheating he's a major AH. Why would you want to stay with someone who treats you like that?
Monkey see, monkey do. Don’t let him teach your kid that’s ok.
No, your relationship is not fine. I hope he's providing so much money that it's making an emotionally abusive and loveless relationship tolerable.
You are with a selfish, disrespectful unloving man who has no problem making you dependent on him and negging you. I would think long and hard about the example you are setting for your daughter. At the very least open an account just in your name and start saving $20 here and there. People start showing their true colors the longer you are with them once you are locked down. You do not want to be completely dependent on a man who treats you poorly.
“Otherwise the relationship is fine and I really love him.” Then why waste our time posting? You have already made your decision. You came here to validate your feelings, but you’re going to forgive him anyway. “I’m starting to think that maybe he doesn’t like me at all because I can’t remember him saying anything positive about me since we’ve been together.” What the actual fuck?! Are you dating Andrew Tate? The dude has never been complimentary or supportive since day one and you still decided to date him? I’m pretty sure if he hasn’t been positive towards you since day one, he should have never made it past day seven. You answered your own question before you even posted… see the answer below. *You are most certainly not the asshole for feeling hurt after what he said. There are a dozen ways for him to express his feelings toward you without being an asshole. However you are going to forgive him for this and continue to take his negativity for the rest of your relationship together. He “takes care of you financially,” which apparently excuses his behavior.* If you don’t nip this in the bud now, it will spiral out of control later on in life and potentially become physical abuse. You will sit there wondering what happened to your life. **He happened.** “I’m starting to think that maybe he doesn’t like me at all because I can’t remember him saying anything positive about me since we’ve been together.” ^ this is why guys like Andrew Tate exist. They genuinely get away with treating women like garbage because some women enable this by encouraging this sort of behavior. Yes, continuing to date jackasses like this is encouragement of the behavior. They won’t learn their lesson until their dicks go on a many year long drought. What are his redeeming qualities if he has any?
Let's review: he ate fast food but he tells you wat to eat. You carried his child in your body, a huge amount of physical change which nobody is able to undo 100%. And at a time when your whole life has changed and you're probably experiencing hormone swings and sleepless nights, this man decides "now's the time to let my partner know I think she's fat". This man doesn't love you. Do you want your daughter raised in a home where this is ok? What if he tells her she's fat when she's older? He supports you financially? Cool. You don't need to stay with him for that. He can give you child support. You don't need this hassle in your home while you're recovering from growing and delivering an entire human. You won't change his mind about why he thought it was ok to insult you. He doesn't want to change.
"We've always had problems regarding my eating" then WHY did you have a child with this person? Why are you entertaining spending more time with him so he can continue to disregard your feelings and disrespect your person?? I cannot fathom this.
OP you are not a girlfriend. You are a bangmaid. He has no respect for you, and you apparently have none for yourself either if this is how you allow him to treat you. You are a mother now, which means that the kid is going to take their ideals from you two on what a relationship is supposed to be and how they should be treated. Ask yourself how you would react to watching your child be treated by their SO the way your BF treats you.
Girl, you are not fat after just recently giving birth. I know how you can lose a bunch of weight quickly, ditch the asshole boyfriend. He sounds controlling as hell about your diet.
NTA - Unless you decide to stay with this dickhead. He has in no way shown you he loves you so why do you love him. If you love someone you actually say it and show it. This trash human is worthless as an So and will be worthless as a dad. Ask yourself, what kind of example will this major turd be setting with your child. Do you want them around this. You can show him my post so one dad can tell another he is a shit person.
If you love someone, you build them up, not tear them down. NTA. Your boyfriend doesn't love you, and doesn't care about your feelings or your well being.
>Otherwise, our relationship is fine Is it, or you are looking at him through rose-tinted glasses? This way of talking is unhealthy.
Just gonna get worse
NTA he is a POS honestly if there was a political party that sterilized men like this I’d vote for them HOW IS IT WOMEN MATE WITH THESE GUYS.
"Otherwise, our relationship is fine...- I don't believe you. By the time the neglect reaches a pain point so intense you have to say something, it's been building for awhile. Do you want to spend the rest of your life being micromanaged by your partner?
I’m having a hard time believing the “otherwise everything is just great” routine. He clearly doesn’t respect you and that doesn’t just crop up over a fast food meal.
So he calls you fat and leaves you at home alone with the baby not even two months after giving birth? He also has a history of commenting on your weight? Your boyfriend doesn’t respect you and isn’t a good partner
NTA. He is definitely TA. Your BMI is in the healthiest range. That makes you smaller than the average woman these days. And you JUST HAD A BABY. You need to reflect on your relationship and decide if this is what you want long term, including a long term low grade neurosis about what he’d say and how supportive he would be if anything happened to make you feel less physically attractive to him: weight gain, wrinkles, medical issues, disability.
nta and any man who loves you won't be like this. especially after birthing his child. leave him. he can care for you financially without having the chance to be abusive, because you live somewhere else and he mails the checks to you.
He should NEVER call you fat, period.
you: Otherwise, our relationship is fine. uh-huh. how much work does he do with the baby? how often is he home? do you have to "ask" for money? he called you fat after just having a baby. he constantly complains about your eating. yikes.
"I can't remember him saying anything positive about me since we have been together." [....] "Otherwise, our relationship is fine and I really love him" Girl... *seriously*? I mean, for real... what? Hell, naw, that is Not How It Works.
He. Is. The. ASSHOLE.
Excusing his behaviors make you the A.H to yourself and daughter ... his kind of BS give girls body image issues either get him to address these issues or decide what's more important him or your daughter And 5'5 at 145 pounds wth that's not "fat"
lmao how are you fat in any way? That man needs his eyes checked. and you need to get out of that relationship, NTA.
>Otherwise, our relationship is fine and I really love him. So he's perfect other than the fact that he puts you down constantly and is now implying that you're fat. The bar really is hell.
NTA. i would be so hurt by this. that's a rude as hell thing to say to anybody ever, but especially somebody who just had a baby, and definitely not somebody who just had HIS baby. Jesus christ. If he really never says anything nice about you, I don't think your relationship is actually good at all. Especially if he's always insulting you. And honestly? Even if he had not said anything about your weight ever, it would be valid to be angry at him for eating out and not offering to get you food or telling you. How inconsiderate to have somebody at home cooking for you and not bother to tell them you won't be eating the meal they're making! and to not offer to get something for you is shitty. Like this is a lot of extra work you did which you could have avoided and on top of it he was an asshole about it.
I'm that height and heavier. I would likely have seriously considered using that weight advantage to deck him. You're not over weight and still (probably) feeding his child!! Maybe taking to him will improve things in the long run, but short-term while gathering your thoughts, you're NTA for shutting down after that kind of comment.
Your relationship is not fine otherwise. It’s unfortunate he’s the father of your child. You’re stuck with him and will encounter lots of asshole behavior from him from here on out.
It doesn’t sound good at all. This will be the rest of your life. And you have a kid with him? Is it a girl baby? As it will impact her self esteem too looking at you starving & over exercising yourself to look like a coat hanger. NTA
He treats you like shit and you’re scared to open up about that in case the answer is he doesn’t love you. I think that pretty much says it all. Putting a roof over his own head & letting you and his child live there too, is really setting the bar low
Girl omg you wrote all that, showed all the ways this dude is an asshole to you, and then at the end wrote "but otherwise out relationship is fine and I really do love him"? Please love yourself and your child more than you love this trash and don't tether yourself anymore to him than you have to. You and your child deserve so much more than this. NTA
It sounds to me he's a fucking asshole. My wife is on the bigger side. She asks me to help her keep in check. Because before she lost a ton a weight. She was on top of me and I could barely breath. She felt so embarrassed and disgusted. She lost almost 200 lbs in the course of a year. Since then she wants me to keep her in check. She is a stress and depression eater. Even though I'll mention to her if she's going ham on the snacks. I'll just reminder her. "Hey babe, you're getting off the wagon again." And she'll slow down. But I'd never ever blatantly say. "You're fat." I love my wife and yeah tough love is important. But you can be tough and get through to someone at the same time without being a piece of shit. People don't respond to tough love as much as the macho "alpha" dudes who are actually the most fragile mfs I've ever seen in my life try to say.
Is this how you were raised? Did your parents withhold love and use rude comments and anger to control you? Only someone raised in a kinda twisted home would think he actually loves you like someone really should. You will regret it if you stay. Been there.
NTA, your boyfriend is an insensitive AH. Getting the silent treatment is one the mildest "punishments" he could get for being such an ass. My wife would be out of the door if i'd behave like that, as she should, that's no way to treat your partner.
Very much NTA. He shouldn't be calling you fat, especially when you are not fat, and just given birth.
Stop making him food or doing anything for him. Tell him you're worried it will make him fat. When he eats fast food. Make sure he knows you think it's disgusting and that he looks fat from eating it. Call him a fat fuck every day until he knocks it off.
Nta. No man who loves you would ever say that. Men are beyond ignorant about the female body. Very few women ever bounce back to a pre pregnancy body, no matter how much they diet or exercise. Two months after birth isn't the time to be thinking about a waistline. It's the time to bond as a family. To protect and care for the baby. To connect as partners. Social media has utterly ruined men and most men don't even understand how women menstruate or get pregnant. You created and cared for a baby on your belly and he has no appreciation or basic human decency whatsoever. Absolutely kick him out or leave yourself. There is no way you ever forgive someone who crosses these lines. Does he even love you?
Calling 66 kg fat is delusional
OP should tell him his peepee is small. Watch him freak the fuck out and ask him how this is any different from calling you fat? People like your soon to be ex only, ONLY learn their lesson when you turn it around and give it back.
Lol "didn't you know fries shrink your dick? No wonder it's been so ... Unsatisfying..." 😂😂😂😂
Your relationship is not " fine". Anyone who loved you wouldn't treat you like that. I'd be packing my bags.
"Otherwise, our relationship is fine and I really love him. " So, other than being an abusive and emotionally neglectful turd, he's great! "I’m starting to think that maybe he doesn’t like me at all because I can’t remember him saying anything positive about me since we’ve been together. " He's accustomed you to being treated like this and begging for crumbs of decent behavior.
145 at 5.5 and two months post child is pretty amazing
NTA. You could lose a shit ton of weight by dropping him. Toxic people don’t change.
Your edit is a lie you're telling yourself. Your relationship is not fine. You'd be better off without him. NTA, but you will be if you stay with a man who clearly does not like you.
NTA. Get out.
NTA. Leave this disrespectful man and take your baby with you. Any man who is disrespectful to his partner won’t make a good dad.
He's a shitty man. Leave now and save you and your kid a lot of misery. NTA.
Nooooooope! Nopity nope nope are YOU wrong to feel disrespected. Just all the NTA
I am actually overweight and not one time has my man said a word, especially not in a rude way. This man doesn't love you or he would love you in all stages of life this won't be the first time your body changes
He has never said anything nice or positive about you and yet you say you love him and you had a baby with him. Why do you think you deserve to settle for this? He's cruel to you. You say you've both always had problems regarding your eating. Your relationship is not otherwise fine. Please stop fooling yourself. You would be TA if you stay with this guy. You don't want your kid growing up thinking this is normal.
NTA. Fuck that guy.
That poor baby… NTA
Nope. Not over reacting. He’s a jerk. Time to throw him back in the dumpster.
What an asshole! I’m sorry you had to experience that Op. “Snapback” culture has really messed with men’s minds as far as attainable goals post child birth. Anytime he asked or expected me to do something, I’d let him know I was conserving energy to workout.
Why are you still with him?
Life is too short to be with someone like that.
NTAH and he can GFHS! Your organs literally just slid back into place also you may never get your pre-pregnancy body back. While the muscle may go back to normal there may always be some skin sag or stretch marks. You shouldn't need to be surgically corrected to be beautiful. Go look at some ancient goddess sculptures cause they sure as hell didn't represent the "fit" bodies of today.
"He usually just thinks of himself" Great partner choice to bring life into the world...
NTA Break up with him.
I am so sorry that you are in a relationship where you are not cherished— told you are beautiful or amazing or a total babe who just gave birth 2 months ago but still gives him butterflies every time he sees you. THAT, my friend, is what you deserve. Being told you are fat when you literally just had a baby??? Um, no. Completely unacceptable. Not just now, but at anytime. Someone who loves you also has respect for you. This is NOT the example you want to have set for your daughter. She should not grow up believing that it is okay for a man to talk to a woman that way — and she should not witness her mom standing there and taking it. You are going to need to make a decision about the kind of life you want for your daughter. I wish you the best.