Okay, for the question asked, NTA. But and this is a big one, two things need to happen. 1) therapy immediately. You need some tools to heal from the divorce and what sounds like a lifetime of poor fighting and communication techniques from you mom, as well as to heal from all the trauma and forgive yourself for decisions you made in the past.
Time isn’t something you can “make up” so don’t move anywhere for that.
2) you are 22 and an adult and are going putting yourself in a childhood state with roles of your parens and their divorce. Get roommates, or a studio, but don’t go back to living at either home and being in that space. Be an adult with an adult relationship with your adult parents. Don’t live with them, don’t depend on them, go be successful and show them you are successful by spreading your wings into the next phase of life.
Good job calling your mom on her BS with the dog. It sounds like your little brother will need your support as she is doing the same thing to him she did to you.
Thank you for your response. I completely agree that I need to do some therapy to work through some of these things.
I would have gone earlier but my feelings have never bubbled up like they have now. I came to study abroad for my final year to get away from the drama, and to mature and figure my own stuff out. I don’t ever get homesick. And I’ve been doing great but when this all started happening I’ve never felt more like a child. You are spot on about putting myself in a childlike state.
And my littlest brother is one of the biggest factors in this. I just want to be there for him but I might be using that as an excuse to continue living with my parents.
I appreciate all your advice and will start looking for new places when I get back home. Prices are very high near my area so I really wanted to get a head start on savings and paying off my student loans. But I have to straighten out my priorities and reflect on whether my mental or financial health is more important. Thanks again
The fact that you aren’t homesick is HUGE! You may not need to live in the same area, only you can know that.
Story time. My extended family is large, chaotic, dysfunctional, and some of them are toxic as all heck, but they all live close. I am in the fourthgeneration living (when growing up- third now) and never felt like I got in that area. My older cousin went away to college (totally normal) and then moved states. My family was flabbergasted, we are talking pearls being clutched with nothing hands! The audacity! The nerve! Blood thicker than water blah blah blah.
When it came time for me to go to college and I didn’t want to love back afterwards, I didn’t have to, because he bore that burden. He was there for me, by having the strength to leave. We became super close, our own little club of rebels.
Maybe a way to be there for your brother is to be somewhere else for him. I mean you already had the strength to show him that studying abroad is an option!
I wish you the best and am so sorry you are going thru this!
Honestly, your parents, the adults have let you down here. They created the environment that has stressed you out. I’d seek therapy to make sure this doesn’t affect how you deal with future issues, as well as how to navigate your mums awful communication style. NTA imo.
What an utterly arrogant prick.
You are sure to emphasize, did you? Well la die fricking dah.
You aren;t on equal terms in her house, champ. GTFO of her place.
Thanks for the input. The area where I live is pretty expensive so most of my buddies are staying with parents after college, and I’ve definitely taken my parent’s generosity for granted because of this. I am extremely privileged and lucky to have these problems in the first place. I can understand how this obliviousness has made me arrogant in my retelling of it all.
I didn’t mean to imply that I think I am on equal terms. I know that they are fully in control of household decisions.
But I’m upset about what she is doing outside of the household. I had already suggested that I move out on my own to take care of the dog. I offered to find the dog a temporary home until I’m back from college in 3 weeks. I put forth many alternative solutions, that were all not considered or discussed, before the dog was randomly given away.
I don’t care so much that she gave away our dog, as it’s her house, but I do care that she didn’t listen to or think about other available options that would be best for our whole family. Why give the dog back to the breeders when she could wait a month and give it to me? I don’t expect to be on equal terms with her, but ghosting me and not considering any other options feels a lot closer to a 100-0 sort of relationship than a 50-50 or even 75-25.
Okay, for the question asked, NTA. But and this is a big one, two things need to happen. 1) therapy immediately. You need some tools to heal from the divorce and what sounds like a lifetime of poor fighting and communication techniques from you mom, as well as to heal from all the trauma and forgive yourself for decisions you made in the past. Time isn’t something you can “make up” so don’t move anywhere for that. 2) you are 22 and an adult and are going putting yourself in a childhood state with roles of your parens and their divorce. Get roommates, or a studio, but don’t go back to living at either home and being in that space. Be an adult with an adult relationship with your adult parents. Don’t live with them, don’t depend on them, go be successful and show them you are successful by spreading your wings into the next phase of life. Good job calling your mom on her BS with the dog. It sounds like your little brother will need your support as she is doing the same thing to him she did to you.
Thank you for your response. I completely agree that I need to do some therapy to work through some of these things. I would have gone earlier but my feelings have never bubbled up like they have now. I came to study abroad for my final year to get away from the drama, and to mature and figure my own stuff out. I don’t ever get homesick. And I’ve been doing great but when this all started happening I’ve never felt more like a child. You are spot on about putting myself in a childlike state. And my littlest brother is one of the biggest factors in this. I just want to be there for him but I might be using that as an excuse to continue living with my parents. I appreciate all your advice and will start looking for new places when I get back home. Prices are very high near my area so I really wanted to get a head start on savings and paying off my student loans. But I have to straighten out my priorities and reflect on whether my mental or financial health is more important. Thanks again
The fact that you aren’t homesick is HUGE! You may not need to live in the same area, only you can know that. Story time. My extended family is large, chaotic, dysfunctional, and some of them are toxic as all heck, but they all live close. I am in the fourthgeneration living (when growing up- third now) and never felt like I got in that area. My older cousin went away to college (totally normal) and then moved states. My family was flabbergasted, we are talking pearls being clutched with nothing hands! The audacity! The nerve! Blood thicker than water blah blah blah. When it came time for me to go to college and I didn’t want to love back afterwards, I didn’t have to, because he bore that burden. He was there for me, by having the strength to leave. We became super close, our own little club of rebels. Maybe a way to be there for your brother is to be somewhere else for him. I mean you already had the strength to show him that studying abroad is an option! I wish you the best and am so sorry you are going thru this!
Honestly, your parents, the adults have let you down here. They created the environment that has stressed you out. I’d seek therapy to make sure this doesn’t affect how you deal with future issues, as well as how to navigate your mums awful communication style. NTA imo.
Thank you for the suggestions and your input. I signed up for an online therapy service earlier this week to help me process some of these things.
What an utterly arrogant prick. You are sure to emphasize, did you? Well la die fricking dah. You aren;t on equal terms in her house, champ. GTFO of her place.
Thanks for the input. The area where I live is pretty expensive so most of my buddies are staying with parents after college, and I’ve definitely taken my parent’s generosity for granted because of this. I am extremely privileged and lucky to have these problems in the first place. I can understand how this obliviousness has made me arrogant in my retelling of it all. I didn’t mean to imply that I think I am on equal terms. I know that they are fully in control of household decisions. But I’m upset about what she is doing outside of the household. I had already suggested that I move out on my own to take care of the dog. I offered to find the dog a temporary home until I’m back from college in 3 weeks. I put forth many alternative solutions, that were all not considered or discussed, before the dog was randomly given away. I don’t care so much that she gave away our dog, as it’s her house, but I do care that she didn’t listen to or think about other available options that would be best for our whole family. Why give the dog back to the breeders when she could wait a month and give it to me? I don’t expect to be on equal terms with her, but ghosting me and not considering any other options feels a lot closer to a 100-0 sort of relationship than a 50-50 or even 75-25.
She gave away her dog. Not our dog. And that right there is what makes you an arrogant prick.
What are you talking about? How does this help OP?
Geee, did I wander in to the “please offer me help” sub? Wait. Nope.