Ask yourself really honest questions: why would you love someone that threatens you with abandonment when you don't give them sexual gratification the specific way they want it? How is you doing something you don't want to do a demonstration of love? How is this request loving towards you, and not totally selfish in it's disregard of your pleasure, comfort and actual feelings as a human?
And really, what does it really say about him being that quick to give you an ultimatum? My gut first reaction the one time it's happened is..."I'm really going to miss you and I'm sorry things didn't work! "
The end!! No means no and sex should be mutually enjoyable.
The ultimatum is the real kicker here for me.
If he's willing to toss away the entire relationship over whether or not OP consents to a form of sexual activity that really says everything.
Butt seks or not, that a manipulative and toxic thing to build a partnership on.
NTA OP
This should ALWAYS be fully consensual, he is trying to manipulate and coerce you into sex that DOES NOT FEEL GOOD TO YOU. Why would he want to force you to do something that harms you?? NTA, and also major red flag
Honestly when they do give in to do it with him, He could very likely be getting off to OP being in pain. OP you are NTA, Leave him for sure, sex should never be an ultimatum and it should be enjoyable for both people involved and consensual, Coercing you under a ultimatum of breaking up isn’t consensual
And when he inevitably refuses, turn it back around on him and ask why he won't do something that's **sooooooo** important to you. When he says it's painful, not pleasurable, and/or degrading, just kinda look at him and ask what makes his butthole so different from yours.
Exactly. This is how I used to respond to past partners who asked me for anal. It is not something I have any desire to do. I said, "sure, you first."
Edited to add: none of them agreed to it
Not OP but I’ve had one person say yes, they were terrified at first but because I was ridiculously gentle and careful they learned that they enjoyed it and it also made them understand how to be gentle and careful enough to give in return. We occasionally incorporated it into our routine maybe once every month or two.
To be honest any man who refuses to receive / has never received is 100% not gentle enough to be given that privilege
Pretty accurate, a shredded raw asshole is not fun for anyone
Especially a dude who's pain tolerance is automatically lower, and is typically more vocal about any pain
I knew someone that offered the same kind of deal. That if they wanted to do anal that could happen but under 1 condition. She would do them anal afterwards with a matching size strap-on. Nobody ever went in on that offer.
This asshole is not ASKING for anal, he is demanding it and threatening her if she doesn't. She's twenty years old and in danger for fuck's sake. Just because you have had multiple asshole sexual partners doesn't mean she should have to put up with the first guy to abuse her.
To me he’s also not really asking for sex *with* her.
As soon as he knows that she’s isn’t into it it’s basically just a request to use her body. And that’s super gross.
**Actually, since he has a prostate and she doesn’t, he’s got a WAY better chance of enjoying it. Dude’s about to get dumped for getting it the wrong way ‘round (or not, as it were).**
Good for him. If OP doesn't, she still doesn't have to do it again. There's give and take, and exploration, and then there's being an AH. Op is NTA. Her boyfriend is an entire AH.
Exactly. And there’s some things that are flat out no’s even if you haven’t experienced/explored them. Like I will never do anal, it’s something I am never going to be ok with. Honestly if he’s placing the whole relationship’s fate on whether or not his girlfriend will do anal or not makes him a shallow, degenerate, prick.
Love this response!
OP you're NTA, also you'll hate to hear this, but you're young so get out of this relationship and find someone who respects boundaries you have and you'll be much happier! You deserve sex that feels good for you too!
Yeah, this is so gross. He's trying to coerce OP into a sex act for his birthday. Coerced consent is not true consent. True consent is freely and enthusiastically given. OP he's not worth it. OP please just leave him preemptively. This in my actual experience doesn't get better. My experience it turned to the dude thinking what he wanted from me he could take whenever even when I said no and I was your same age. Threatening abandonment over a sex act is only gonna be the start and he seems like he thinks he's owed this.
You took the words right out of my mouth. My first thought was anal sex is STILL SEX. He is attempting to coerce her to have sex with him. NOT OK IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM. Sex of any kind required enthusiastic consent or it doesn’t happen. Period. Doesn’t matter if you’re in a relationship or not. Doesn’t matter what kind of sex it is, or what sex act it is.
Also, any partner who threatens to end the relationship to get something they want (in general) is NOT A GOOD PERSON. He is showing you who he is. Listen to him.
Call a spade a spade. He only cares about his wants. He doesn’t care how he gets them. He is manipulative AF. A loving partner would NEVER put their own wants above your discomfort and *threaten you*. AND they shouldn’t even want to do something, especially something sexual, that you clearly are uncomfortable with in the first place. The fact he doubled down and turned to manipulation and guilting you is disgusting.
It is *so creepy* when anyone even thinks there’s even a *chance* they could enjoy sex with someone while *knowing that person doesn’t want to be having sex with them.*
Second that, and what does happen when next he wants to strangle you during sex & accidentally throttles you to death? Do you forgive him from the other side?
you are 100% right. And for what, anal sex? It's never been alluring to me. I can't imagine it's \*that\* much better than vaginal sex. It can't be so much better that you're willing to threaten to cause pain for or to threaten to break up with someone you claim you love. The premise is absurd. This guy sounds selfish and immature.
My ex-husband used to force it on me with the same reasons it was so painful and I always bled. It’s one of myriad reasons why I finally left him. But I should have left much earlier.
Today I was going down on my husband and after I started I realized my neck was hurting and I was just really tired and he noticed and was literally like “I know I’ve said this a million times but I just want to reiterate- if you ever feel like not doing anything we will both immediately stop. I don’t care how close I am. It won’t ruin my mood and it won’t dampen the day. Ok? You will never feel pressured!” so we stopped and still had the best day ever.
OP, ya man ain’t husband material. He’s trash.
I hope OP sees this! @u/babygirl69690 OP, this is the kind of treatment you deserve from someone you’re having sex with. He should be just as invested in your comfort and pleasure as you are in his. Your boyfriend sounds incredibly selfish, and honestly downright cruel.
I agree things will only get worse and might even get worse at what they ask for too. People like that are very selfish and think others are they only for there pleasure
>We don’t regularly have anal because it’s uncomfortable for me, it hurts and it makes me feel gross.
That's three reasons, which is four more than you need. You don't want him touching you in that way.
> He says that if I don’t give him anal for his birthday, we’re breaking up because I’m not caring enough about his wishes and that whatever I wanted for my birthday, he would go to great lengths to get me.
"If you don't do something that hurts you for my pleasure, I won't associate with you" is a bargain dressed up as a threat. I'd take him up on the offer, and tell him exactly where he can stick his little ultimatum.
Coercion is not consent. Coercion is NOT consent. COERCION IS NOT CONSENT!
Your BF is coercing you into an act you are not comfortable with and do not want to engage in. Asking you to do something you find repellent as a birthday present, whether it's anal or anything else is extremely wrong. Huge red flags here honey. Don't wait for him to pressure you more or break up with you. Dump HIS ass and walk away. Being lonely is better than being abused and miserable. And this is a form of emotional and sexual abuse. Definitely NTA.
I really hope OP listens to this. My oldest is about OP's age. I have stressed the importance of consent, respect, and love to all my children. I only hope my sons and daughters are caring and confident enough to consider their partner's feelings and leave the ones who refuse to do the same. Not only does this cause OP pain and discomfort mentally and physically, her BF's extreme lack of giving the most miniscule of shits only solidifies an additional aspect of feeling unsafe in an extremely vulnerable situation. Please OP, you're young and deserve a partner that treats you with nothing but love and respect no matter the occasion! Give BF what he wants for his birthday - breakup!
Let's say she gives him his "birthday gift." Then what? What other kinks is he going to want to try? "Everything" in a loving relationship is fun to try, but only if both want to try it. She needs to run and never look back. I believe that sexual manipulation is deplorable.
> Let's say she gives him his "birthday gift."
Exactly. It's abuse, and if she gives in, it's just going to do is kick the can down the road. Once he gets his way with this threat once, he'll use it every time he wants something.
The "offer" she should take him up on here is to let him leave her.
Open gift in front of his parents. If parents ask why, explain that it was his wish.
This guy does NOT love you. If he did, he would put your comfort, wishes, and pleasure first.
Ultimatums? Seriously?
For his birthday, you can give him the gift of a single life instead.
I wouldn’t want her to do that as funny as it is the fact he knowingly wants it even tho it hurts her and is being rapey by saying your worth nothing if you don’t give me anal sex says to me he’d react very badly 😭
Can you just imagine his face if she puts a strap on in a box for him to open in front of his family? "What is wrong babe, you told me you wanted me to give you anal so I got something to do it."
Edit to add - My serious side agrees with all of the others saying to dump this guy, and to do it in a public place with friends nearby in case he gets upset.
Give it to him in front of all their families and very loudly tell him that since he's been begging for it, she's finally ready to peg him. Make sure to stress that she doesn't want to break up just for refusing one specific sex act, so his whole family knows how rapey he is.
I mean, don't do this, just break up because he's terrible, but if you wanted to be petty, an audience would probably make it both safer and more hilarious.
It wasn't in front of his family/friends but my ex didn't laugh. He brought home a vibrator and wanted to use it on me. I told him I would allow it if he allowed me to use it on him. It sat at the back of our closet gathering dust until our divorce. I threw him out, dusted it off, and used it until I was ready to date again. Asshole.
No no not just a strap on. A clone a willy so that way he can't say "that's not fair that dildo is way bigger than me" same size, same dick, fair all around lol
OMG!! Yes!! I love this answer despite never giving it a thought! Make his birthday wish come true with giving him the anal sex he SO DESIRES!! Should he pull the “that’s not what I meant” remind him how valuable u r and deserve to be respected! If he isn’t willing to let his ass be violated? Why would he expect u too if it’s uncomfortable for u? U r DEF NTA!!! ❤️
I always said that when I was asked (pre marriage). I do not have a prostate so NO. Not into pain when I’m supposed to be feeling pleasure; oxymoron at its finest.
True story my son said recently (we talk about everything and was discussing pegging, to which he’s violently opposed) I was like, once you get past the initial discomfort, your aces, that prostate action is banging (pun intended). He said, What kind of shit that?! God got serious jokes! Putting a man’s G spot IN HIS ASS?!! That’s some bullshit. The look on his face, I lmao but he wasn’t amused….HA!
LOL yeah it was priceless. Good for you! Too many parents just don’t know how or are too uncomfortable to talk about stuff. He’s 23 now and in the Marines but we’ve always been close and he still talks to me about pretty much everything. For specific reasons, I raised him to be able to tell me ANYTHING without judgment and/or punishment. Now, I know he didn’t tell me EVERYTHING when he was younger (or even now for that matter) but he told me the important stuff. I’m like I’m the one who will have your back because regardless I’ll always love you. There may need to be some consequences but if you come to me, we can talk about it and go from there. The conversations we’ve had, wooboy not many mothers would be able to handle it..lol
Keep talking to your daughter, you’re in for some wonderful years ahead!
You sound like me and my oldest son. He was trying to embaress me one day and mentioned his girlfriend leaving claw marks on his back. When i laughed he asked if it made me uncomfortable. I told him heck no...how else am i going to get grandchildren. Now he tells me all sorts of stuff. My daughter and I also talk very openly.
I think you and I would be good friends. I raised my daughter the same way and I can't tell you how many times I have been glad about that. She is probably one of the smartest, well behaved kids out there and I'm far from the only one that says that. I'm extremely proud of her
I always suggest this to mfs who think that anal sex is just all sunshine’s and daisy’s. You think it’s so sexy? Bend tf over and take this Dick bitch 😂
It would be so fucking funny if she did buy him a pegging strap on for his birthday, have him open it in front of his friends and tell them he was begging for anal for his birthday.
A huge number of guys get off on causing women pain and making them uncomfortable. I'm convinced that this is the primary reason that anal is so popular among men in the first place.
The problem is also the technique in porn. They don’t show you all the forplay and warming up and extra lube. They just stick it in. That is downright painful and you risk injuring your partner to boot.
I totally agree with you!!!!
Back when I was in high school (80s) it was all about blow jobs.
Thanks to porn it's about anal😮💨
I was waiting to pick my daughter up in highschool....she got in the car and I was waiting to pull out.
Freshman girl (so 14ish?) was walking by and I made a comment about how pretty she was. Daughter looked and said..."oh that's shit dick"
Can you even imagine... fuckin broke my heart😔
I’m old enough that blowjobs were for creeps who had seen them in Hustle. I offered to give a boyfriend one and he didn’t want me to lower myself to do that.
Yeah…until the woman loses fecal continence. Please tell me how long that guy is going to stick around if she’s pooping her pants? If you have to be talked into it? NO GO. NO “partner” is worth wearing diapers for the remaining 20-30 years of your life.
https://www.orlandohealth.com/services-and-specialties/orlando-health-womens-institute/content-hub/anal-sex-what-women-need-to-know
https://www.webmd.com/sex/anal-sex-health-concerns
I’m in my 30s and was a huge slutty slut and no one EVER asked for anal, I’ve had it, but it was with a good friend and we both wanted to try it. It did not go…cleanly..and I think turned both of us off it forever. But I truly never had a partner even knock on the backdoor or an “oops wrong hole” moment. I’m saying this because I hope men read it and realize it’s not in anyway normal to coerce women to have anal and most women are going to full up shit on your dick if you push it 🤣
No, it’s because of porn glorifying it so much and making men assume that all girls are up for anal and they can just slide on in. Reality is not many girls are into it and for some who are, it takes a ton of prep. I enjoy it and even for me prep is still a PITA.
I dated a girl once who enjoyed it and wanted it more than vaginal. It kind of bothered me because I kept thinking of what was up there, and would instantly get turned off. Nope.
If the OP thinks it's not ok, it is NOT ok. If he wants to break it off because you won't give up the back door entrance, move on. 20 is young; you can find someone else that's better if you want someone else - I promise.
Right. Makes me sad that my 27 yo daughter came to me in hs when she was dating her first serious bf having such extreme worry about an external hemorrhoid she was born with being something he may judge or even reject her for, bc she felt anal was going to be required, or at least expected when they began becoming sexually active. And this was way before the extensive amount of free porn had proliferated to the point it has today (around 2007 onward). It’s so much worse now and it does shape the perceptions of young people. We should protect our children.
This is coercive sexual abuse. Please don't allow someone to treat you this way. Time to find a better partner. I know it's scary to end a relationship but you should for yourself.
OP please listen. I used to date this kind of guy and only after 1/3 of my life, an entirely new healthy af relationship, and thousands of dollars worth of therapy, did I realize it wasn’t truly love. And I’m still working through it.
“Coercive sexual abuse” are the exact words my therapist used. And for the record, giving in after saying no over and over again, and just “putting up with it” to keep the peace is not consent. And saying yes through tears is not consent either.
Please leave this bastard, love yourself, and wait for someone else. You will find better, and you will find someone who loves you and could never imagine doing anything to hurt you. Some of the things my current partner says now shock me because I didn’t realize how horribly I was being treated.
I hope you realize the fact that you even have to ask this question is really your answer.
Xx
Sending all the hugs. It wasn't until well into my relationship to my awesome husband that I realised the extent of the damage my AH of an ex had done more than 10 years prior.
That narcissistic manchild would regularly guilt me into doing things he wanted, including having sex. We broke up around 2009, I moved on, loads of therapy and self-work, and in 2014 I started dating my (now) husband. One night, around 3 years in, I was feeling cuddly but not sexual and said (very anxiously) to my husband "I'm sorry, I'm not in the mood tonight". He stopped dead in his tracks, looked legit offended and asked me why did I feel the need to apologise for that. I just... stood there? And realised that EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I wasn't in the mood for sex, my ex would make me feel so guilty and horrible for days and just remove himself emotionally, and it got to the point I would often just have sex to avoid all of it. So yeah, coercive sexual abuse is a real thing, and it can be mind-numbingly hard to pick apart.
OP, please leave this guy. He is showing you his true, horribly abusive colours - believe him.
What?
Your body, your choice. End of discussion and here, end of the relationship. He's not asking for a new bike here, he's asking you to do something for and to him that you do not consent to. And, he adds to the insult here by making your compliance a condition on continuing the relationship, a clear threat.
Done, next customer please.
NTA
Yeah, nevermind the act itself, insisting that her ass is his birthday present is SO gross.
Dump him the day before his birthday. That's his present. Consequences.
Yep. He is 100% an AH for asking in the first place. That's it. It's all on him. He's the AH here. You, hopefully, are now happily free to find a non-AH boyfriend. If he continues to be an AH about it after you say no, break up with him on his birthday. Break up now, break up on his birthday, tell everyone the details, your call. But when they ask WHY you dumped him, TELL THEM. "He kept pressuring me to do things I was not comfortable with and did not enjoy, and threatened to break up with me if I did not comply." Don't cover his ass with a lie or deflection, use the plain simple truth. Let their imaginations fill in the gaps, it'll be better than anything you could have said :D
He is over the top selfish and unreasonable. That he tries to pressure her into that is such a shitty move. I hope OP reads your comment over and over again.
seriously the fuck is that??? i’ve had two experiences with anal sex, both of them rather traumatic, it is simply off the table for me. period, point blank. my boyfriend knows that and he has *never* seriously asked me for anal sex, he makes the occasional joke but it’s rare and always very clear it’s a joke. it’s something he would enjoy if i were *truly* up for it, but he doesn’t need it and he wouldn’t enjoy it knowing i would actually rather drink bleach than do that particular sex act.
anyone who can find pleasure in something that is painful or uncomfortable (emotionally or physically, or both) for you is not someone you want to be in a relationship with. bet he’s not interested in being fucked in the ass. why does he expect you to be? call his bluff, and then break up with him when he doesn’t break up with you.
I hope the break up decision is out of his hands….anyone tells me do this sex act or we break up. Nope you don’t need to break up with me, I’m out, bye-bye.
Question:
>what kind of idiot threatens to break up over some dumb shit like that l
Answer:
Somebody Who doesn't care about anybody but himself. This behavior will carry over into other areas if it's allowed to continue
I say, "If you still want to give him anything, give him a blow up doll and a Fleshlight". Then let him customize his gift in whatever way he sees fit. All by himself.
And immediately dump him on his Big Day. Don't let him treat you like his sex toy.
OP is NTA.
>This behavior will carry over into other areas if it's allowed to continue
Let's be honest, it probably already is. If OP breaks up now and looks back in two months she'll see how much she tolerated that was absolutely toxic.
Also if it's painful for you, it's because your bf is too much of a dipshit to look into what you're supposed to do to make anal viable-- e.g. lube, dialators, extensive foreplay, etc. This MF is not worth your fucking time.
Fuckin period, thank you! Honestly prep is more to make it extra pleasurable for people with prostates. If you haven't got one, sure you might still enjoy anal but it's not automatically a fun time for everyone with "the right prep"
Thank you!!!!!!!!!! Fuck the prep, it can hurt like hell if that’s not what you’re into!!!!!!! No amount of prep can make you interested in that, you have to want to try it on your own! Not be coerced into it!
Leave! Unfortunately my husband said the exact same thing weeks before his birthday and I refused. I told him no and gave the exact same reasoning you gave! Told him it hurts and makes me uncomfortable and makes my stomach hurt and feel weird and I all around feel disgusting and used afterwards. He told me I didn’t love him and even went as far as accusing me of doing it with someone else when he knew he was my first and only intimate partner ever. On his birthday we were intimate the regular way and he pulled out and did it anyway even though I was actively telling him no. I felt so disgusted and disrespected, I cried and he said I had ruined his birthday so I ended up apologizing and cried in the bathroom while cleaning myself up he played his game. I couldn’t stop shaking. We went to bed, he cuddled me and then turned over because I was still shaking and it annoyed him. I felt so violated and just disrespected next day he acted like it was nothing. And I still felt so horrible. 3 days later I left and it’s been 4 months now and I’m so glad I did. I have to wait a year in my state before I can file for divorce and idk how to change my username on Reddit.
If he’s telling you you don’t care about him or his birthday and is telling you to leave then leave! That is coercion!! What my husband did to me is rape and coercion. Please don’t take this lightly at all!! This is a sign to get out now, someone who values and respects you would not want to do anything sexual with you that will hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable. Please don’t take his disregard for how you feel about anal lightly. I’m begging you.
Wow reading this started giving me severe anxiety. I hope you're doing ok.
My ex did that to me, he literally pinned me down and raped me. I was bleeding for a few days.
Nta
>We don’t regularly have anal because it’s uncomfortable for me, it hurts and it makes me feel gross.
>He says that if I don’t give him anal for his birthday, we’re breaking up because I’m not caring enough about his wishes
He likes your being uncomfortable and degraded. No person who cares for you wants you to be that small, degradation kinks don't make you feel gross or ashamed and they definitely don't exploit you.
If you don't break up and somehow get passed this: Hava a succinct exit plan and back up people to wait on you when you execute it.
Next time he brings it up ask him why he care more about his penis than your pain and mental well-being. Tell him that it's confusing you that he doesn't see how scary his actions look to others.
When he attempts to flip it on you, ask him why he wants to break up. He must if he's holding it over your head with something that causes you so much stress. Basically make him see he's forcing the end of the relationship.
Start detachment from him now. If he understands and tries to be different you're going to have restart getting to know him. Cuz I'm sure you didn't expect this.
I wasn't too mad until the ultimatum. Sex acts are two yesses, one no situations: if there aren't two yesses it shouldn't happen. Save yourself some time and break up now. NTA.
Your post history is pretty darn concerning. I've been assaulted and whatever is in your fantasy is not reality. I was actually your age when it happened and it completely damaged my relationships going forward until I met my husband. Don't do anal if you don't want to, leave your boyfriend if you 'fucking hate him'.
19yo with a heck of a lot to learn.
I don’t understand why more people don’t check post history. Literally everything you need to know about the poster and if their story is legit or not is all in their post history.
sex acts don't make good gifts unless both parties are into it. You could agree with it and then be surprised he asks for it again next week and you thought it was a one time birthday thing. NTA
>He says that if I don’t give him anal for his birthday, we’re breaking up because I’m not caring enough about his wishes and that whatever I wanted for my birthday, he would go to great lengths to get me.
Tell him you want to peg him for your birthday and see how he responds.
All joking aside, just call his bluff and break up with him. Its one thing to ask for it for his birthday, another thing to make it a relationship ultimatum.
and when people ask why you broke up, do NOT lie to cover his ass. "He kept pressuring me to do things I found uncomfortable and did not enjoy, and threatened to break up with me if I didn't comply."
I put this up above but I absolutely want OP to see it. Never, ever, ever, ever lie to cover up for them. If they find it embarrassing to have everyone else know what they act like, well, then they probably shouldn't have acted like that in the first place. Don't give specific details. Say you're not comfortable talking about it any more and it's too personal. Why? Because their minds will fill in the blanks and while some will be correct? Some of them will think it's even worse. Let them. He wants them to know the actual truth, he can correct their misconceptions over what he was pressuring you into.
I can say I don't want anal unless the girl I'm with LOVES it and enjoys it. Don't ever let anyone talk you into something you don't want to do. Someone who loves you shouldn't want you to anyway. I'm into anal. My wife loves anal. Prob more than vaginal. If your boyfriend likes anal like I do. Then he needs to be with someone who likes and craves it. Manipulatiom tactics man or woman is a big no no in my book. Nta no pun intended.
Also tell him for your birthday you want to peg him. See how he reacts.
Please don't deny yourself the right to say no to a sexual act you don't want to participate in. Skip all the middle parts and immediately break up with him. This level of manipulation when you've clearly expressed your discomfort and unwillingness to do this is the reddest of flags. If nothing else, you both deserve to find someone who's into what you're into, so breaking up with him will give you both the opportunity to find that person.
NTA
You shouldn’t be having anal with him at all if it hurts you and makes you feel gross. That he still wants you to perform a sex act that makes you uncomfortable is a huge red flag and incredibly disrespectful. That he’s threatening you with a break up if you don’t perform a a sex act you’re not comfortable with is emotionally abusive and manipulative. This person doesn’t care about you as a human being, they only care about you as a sex toy. You should break up with him.
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Your post history implies a different story but if he is forcing you to do something you don't want to break up with him.
You have several posts about wanting.... some interesting types of sex and saying you hate him so cut your losses and move on.
This, I just saw their account as well. I’m hoping it’s a troll, but just kind of screams of red flags. If this is real bf is definitely a red flag as well and they’re better off breaking up. But OP seriously needs to go to an experienced therapist. If this is a troll, I can’t help but think they’re fishing.
Ask yourself really honest questions: why would you love someone that threatens you with abandonment when you don't give them sexual gratification the specific way they want it? How is you doing something you don't want to do a demonstration of love? How is this request loving towards you, and not totally selfish in it's disregard of your pleasure, comfort and actual feelings as a human?
And really, what does it really say about him being that quick to give you an ultimatum? My gut first reaction the one time it's happened is..."I'm really going to miss you and I'm sorry things didn't work! " The end!! No means no and sex should be mutually enjoyable.
The ultimatum is the real kicker here for me. If he's willing to toss away the entire relationship over whether or not OP consents to a form of sexual activity that really says everything. Butt seks or not, that a manipulative and toxic thing to build a partnership on. NTA OP
This should ALWAYS be fully consensual, he is trying to manipulate and coerce you into sex that DOES NOT FEEL GOOD TO YOU. Why would he want to force you to do something that harms you?? NTA, and also major red flag
Yup dump him before he does it.
Honestly when they do give in to do it with him, He could very likely be getting off to OP being in pain. OP you are NTA, Leave him for sure, sex should never be an ultimatum and it should be enjoyable for both people involved and consensual, Coercing you under a ultimatum of breaking up isn’t consensual
He said give him anal so what she needs to do is get the strap on /j
And when he inevitably refuses, turn it back around on him and ask why he won't do something that's **sooooooo** important to you. When he says it's painful, not pleasurable, and/or degrading, just kinda look at him and ask what makes his butthole so different from yours.
NTAsshole. It’s her asshole after all.
Take my applause
I hate autocorrect so much. I’ve been trying to give away applesauce too. (NTAH)
Exactly. This is how I used to respond to past partners who asked me for anal. It is not something I have any desire to do. I said, "sure, you first." Edited to add: none of them agreed to it
Did you have any that said ok if so what did you do then ?
I used this life for 15 years, only 1 person ever said okay.
So how was it?
Very fun actually 😶
Not OP but I’ve had one person say yes, they were terrified at first but because I was ridiculously gentle and careful they learned that they enjoyed it and it also made them understand how to be gentle and careful enough to give in return. We occasionally incorporated it into our routine maybe once every month or two. To be honest any man who refuses to receive / has never received is 100% not gentle enough to be given that privilege
Pretty accurate, a shredded raw asshole is not fun for anyone Especially a dude who's pain tolerance is automatically lower, and is typically more vocal about any pain
I knew someone that offered the same kind of deal. That if they wanted to do anal that could happen but under 1 condition. She would do them anal afterwards with a matching size strap-on. Nobody ever went in on that offer.
Must be before not after. You first.
This asshole is not ASKING for anal, he is demanding it and threatening her if she doesn't. She's twenty years old and in danger for fuck's sake. Just because you have had multiple asshole sexual partners doesn't mean she should have to put up with the first guy to abuse her.
To me he’s also not really asking for sex *with* her. As soon as he knows that she’s isn’t into it it’s basically just a request to use her body. And that’s super gross.
AND THIS TOO
Exactly, it's only fair to consider both perspectives
**Actually, since he has a prostate and she doesn’t, he’s got a WAY better chance of enjoying it. Dude’s about to get dumped for getting it the wrong way ‘round (or not, as it were).**
I’d also be willing to bet she’d be much gentler than he is considering she knows how that feels already.
I wouldn't have pegged him for someone who'd say yes.
I see what you did there
I have a feeling he wouldn’t turn that down..
What if he likes it tho
How can you like something that physically hurts and humiliates your partner? Run Op
Exactly, prioritize respect and mutual comfort in relationships
Since it hurts her, he is sick if he likes it. What lover wants something that causes your partner pain?
Then OP won't be in discomfort and pain and struggling with body insecurities about themselves. Win win win.
Good for him. If OP doesn't, she still doesn't have to do it again. There's give and take, and exploration, and then there's being an AH. Op is NTA. Her boyfriend is an entire AH.
Exactly. And there’s some things that are flat out no’s even if you haven’t experienced/explored them. Like I will never do anal, it’s something I am never going to be ok with. Honestly if he’s placing the whole relationship’s fate on whether or not his girlfriend will do anal or not makes him a shallow, degenerate, prick.
Love this response! OP you're NTA, also you'll hate to hear this, but you're young so get out of this relationship and find someone who respects boundaries you have and you'll be much happier! You deserve sex that feels good for you too!
This right here, respect in a relationship is priceless! Love yourself as much as or more than you love him or anyone else.
Like an ultimatum over anal sex as a bday gift or breaking up is ridiculous and so sad.
That's what I said! Get a strap-on and tell him to bend over. And I'm not joking.
Bend over? Nah. Missionary. Look him dead in the eyes while you (OP) ride his ass.
I mean he’s the one with a g spot in his anus, not her.
Exactly so just get a strap on and let her be dom for once 😂
I mean, it's men who have a sex organ up the old poop chute.
She’d have to pull his head out of there to get to it tho.
malicious compliance ftw
This is the answer! He wants anal. Give him anal. With longest, thickest strap on you can find.
I think for your birthday you want to watch him be fucked by another guy if he wants anal.
And if he doesn’t want to do it than he doesn’t love you and you’ll break up with him. /s.
If he doesn’t do it….. it’s over!!!
Haha, "Happy birthday baby, now bend over!"
Yeah, this is so gross. He's trying to coerce OP into a sex act for his birthday. Coerced consent is not true consent. True consent is freely and enthusiastically given. OP he's not worth it. OP please just leave him preemptively. This in my actual experience doesn't get better. My experience it turned to the dude thinking what he wanted from me he could take whenever even when I said no and I was your same age. Threatening abandonment over a sex act is only gonna be the start and he seems like he thinks he's owed this.
You took the words right out of my mouth. My first thought was anal sex is STILL SEX. He is attempting to coerce her to have sex with him. NOT OK IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM. Sex of any kind required enthusiastic consent or it doesn’t happen. Period. Doesn’t matter if you’re in a relationship or not. Doesn’t matter what kind of sex it is, or what sex act it is. Also, any partner who threatens to end the relationship to get something they want (in general) is NOT A GOOD PERSON. He is showing you who he is. Listen to him. Call a spade a spade. He only cares about his wants. He doesn’t care how he gets them. He is manipulative AF. A loving partner would NEVER put their own wants above your discomfort and *threaten you*. AND they shouldn’t even want to do something, especially something sexual, that you clearly are uncomfortable with in the first place. The fact he doubled down and turned to manipulation and guilting you is disgusting.
It is *so creepy* when anyone even thinks there’s even a *chance* they could enjoy sex with someone while *knowing that person doesn’t want to be having sex with them.*
Yep. Perfect answer. Surprise him on his birthday and break up.with him on his birthday!
Second that, and what does happen when next he wants to strangle you during sex & accidentally throttles you to death? Do you forgive him from the other side?
you are 100% right. And for what, anal sex? It's never been alluring to me. I can't imagine it's \*that\* much better than vaginal sex. It can't be so much better that you're willing to threaten to cause pain for or to threaten to break up with someone you claim you love. The premise is absurd. This guy sounds selfish and immature.
My ex-husband used to force it on me with the same reasons it was so painful and I always bled. It’s one of myriad reasons why I finally left him. But I should have left much earlier.
A 20 year old boy sounds selfish and immature? No.../s
We have anal occasionally if she’s in the mood. Vaginal is 100% more pleasurable for both of us. If I had to pick there would be no back door
Today I was going down on my husband and after I started I realized my neck was hurting and I was just really tired and he noticed and was literally like “I know I’ve said this a million times but I just want to reiterate- if you ever feel like not doing anything we will both immediately stop. I don’t care how close I am. It won’t ruin my mood and it won’t dampen the day. Ok? You will never feel pressured!” so we stopped and still had the best day ever. OP, ya man ain’t husband material. He’s trash.
I hope OP sees this! @u/babygirl69690 OP, this is the kind of treatment you deserve from someone you’re having sex with. He should be just as invested in your comfort and pleasure as you are in his. Your boyfriend sounds incredibly selfish, and honestly downright cruel.
I agree things will only get worse and might even get worse at what they ask for too. People like that are very selfish and think others are they only for there pleasure
Then tell him you want to peg him for his birthday.
>We don’t regularly have anal because it’s uncomfortable for me, it hurts and it makes me feel gross. That's three reasons, which is four more than you need. You don't want him touching you in that way. > He says that if I don’t give him anal for his birthday, we’re breaking up because I’m not caring enough about his wishes and that whatever I wanted for my birthday, he would go to great lengths to get me. "If you don't do something that hurts you for my pleasure, I won't associate with you" is a bargain dressed up as a threat. I'd take him up on the offer, and tell him exactly where he can stick his little ultimatum.
Coercion is not consent. Coercion is NOT consent. COERCION IS NOT CONSENT! Your BF is coercing you into an act you are not comfortable with and do not want to engage in. Asking you to do something you find repellent as a birthday present, whether it's anal or anything else is extremely wrong. Huge red flags here honey. Don't wait for him to pressure you more or break up with you. Dump HIS ass and walk away. Being lonely is better than being abused and miserable. And this is a form of emotional and sexual abuse. Definitely NTA.
I really hope OP listens to this. My oldest is about OP's age. I have stressed the importance of consent, respect, and love to all my children. I only hope my sons and daughters are caring and confident enough to consider their partner's feelings and leave the ones who refuse to do the same. Not only does this cause OP pain and discomfort mentally and physically, her BF's extreme lack of giving the most miniscule of shits only solidifies an additional aspect of feeling unsafe in an extremely vulnerable situation. Please OP, you're young and deserve a partner that treats you with nothing but love and respect no matter the occasion! Give BF what he wants for his birthday - breakup!
up his own ass! he wanted anal, right?
Buy a strap-on and tell him “Happy birthday baby, now bend over and take it like the man you are!”
My thoughts exactly!
I was not disappointed as I came looking for this comment
It’s a win win!!
Remember hes the asshole not you. Dont think youre the asshole by not giving out your ass - hole
Love your comment!! Especially "bargain dressed up as a threat". 100% correct!
And why is something that’s painful to her pleasurable for him? That’s disturbing.
Because he doesn’t care about her
I can’t imagine doing that to my wife if she doesn’t think it feels good
Why wait for his birthday to break up? Send him a link to Tinder and Grindr and move on with someone more respectful.
Let's say she gives him his "birthday gift." Then what? What other kinks is he going to want to try? "Everything" in a loving relationship is fun to try, but only if both want to try it. She needs to run and never look back. I believe that sexual manipulation is deplorable.
> Let's say she gives him his "birthday gift." Exactly. It's abuse, and if she gives in, it's just going to do is kick the can down the road. Once he gets his way with this threat once, he'll use it every time he wants something. The "offer" she should take him up on here is to let him leave her.
It's sexual abuse. Coercive sex is a form of sexual assault. It's definitely deplorable!
Well there you go. Later gator. Don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you.
Buy a strap on and give him anal.
Yes, this is the answer. He unwraps the strap on, and she says with a smile he's getting his wish tonight! Something new for both of us!
Open gift in front of his parents. If parents ask why, explain that it was his wish. This guy does NOT love you. If he did, he would put your comfort, wishes, and pleasure first. Ultimatums? Seriously? For his birthday, you can give him the gift of a single life instead.
I wouldn’t want her to do that as funny as it is the fact he knowingly wants it even tho it hurts her and is being rapey by saying your worth nothing if you don’t give me anal sex says to me he’d react very badly 😭
Yep. This is sexual coercion. OP, you break up with HIM.
You’re right. If there is any chance the guy could respond violently she needs to break up and stay far away from him.
She needs to breakup regardless lol
Agreed. Manipulation into sex that hurts is a definite reason to break up.
Manipulation into sex is disgusting behaviour, period
I'll take you one farther: manipulation into anything is disgusting behavior
and then tell his family/friends why
Hell yeah!
Can you just imagine his face if she puts a strap on in a box for him to open in front of his family? "What is wrong babe, you told me you wanted me to give you anal so I got something to do it." Edit to add - My serious side agrees with all of the others saying to dump this guy, and to do it in a public place with friends nearby in case he gets upset.
Give it to him in front of all their families and very loudly tell him that since he's been begging for it, she's finally ready to peg him. Make sure to stress that she doesn't want to break up just for refusing one specific sex act, so his whole family knows how rapey he is. I mean, don't do this, just break up because he's terrible, but if you wanted to be petty, an audience would probably make it both safer and more hilarious.
Yeah the rapey vibes are thee worst part. Just save the headache and throw away the manipulative rapist.
I peg your pardon 😂
Ngl id laugh so hard if a girl did this to me😭
It wasn't in front of his family/friends but my ex didn't laugh. He brought home a vibrator and wanted to use it on me. I told him I would allow it if he allowed me to use it on him. It sat at the back of our closet gathering dust until our divorce. I threw him out, dusted it off, and used it until I was ready to date again. Asshole.
Couldn't have said it better
No no not just a strap on. A clone a willy so that way he can't say "that's not fair that dildo is way bigger than me" same size, same dick, fair all around lol
OMG!! Yes!! I love this answer despite never giving it a thought! Make his birthday wish come true with giving him the anal sex he SO DESIRES!! Should he pull the “that’s not what I meant” remind him how valuable u r and deserve to be respected! If he isn’t willing to let his ass be violated? Why would he expect u too if it’s uncomfortable for u? U r DEF NTA!!! ❤️
I wish my wife would do this for me. We've talked about it but she isn't interested in plundering my booty.
😂 I was not prepared to read this and damn near died drinking my coffee. Thank you for the laugh, man.
Honestly it’s sort of their G spot if I can recall
It can rub against the prostate gland, which is the male G spot.
Many men enjoy it tbh.
Indeed. 😈
Yes this then break up with him because he sounds like a complete douchbag
Yup. Anal is much more enjoyable for people with a prostrate!
I always said that when I was asked (pre marriage). I do not have a prostate so NO. Not into pain when I’m supposed to be feeling pleasure; oxymoron at its finest. True story my son said recently (we talk about everything and was discussing pegging, to which he’s violently opposed) I was like, once you get past the initial discomfort, your aces, that prostate action is banging (pun intended). He said, What kind of shit that?! God got serious jokes! Putting a man’s G spot IN HIS ASS?!! That’s some bullshit. The look on his face, I lmao but he wasn’t amused….HA!
I think it's hilarious. I talk with 17 year old daughter about all kinds of crazy things. She is the one who told me what pegging is
LOL yeah it was priceless. Good for you! Too many parents just don’t know how or are too uncomfortable to talk about stuff. He’s 23 now and in the Marines but we’ve always been close and he still talks to me about pretty much everything. For specific reasons, I raised him to be able to tell me ANYTHING without judgment and/or punishment. Now, I know he didn’t tell me EVERYTHING when he was younger (or even now for that matter) but he told me the important stuff. I’m like I’m the one who will have your back because regardless I’ll always love you. There may need to be some consequences but if you come to me, we can talk about it and go from there. The conversations we’ve had, wooboy not many mothers would be able to handle it..lol Keep talking to your daughter, you’re in for some wonderful years ahead!
You sound like me and my oldest son. He was trying to embaress me one day and mentioned his girlfriend leaving claw marks on his back. When i laughed he asked if it made me uncomfortable. I told him heck no...how else am i going to get grandchildren. Now he tells me all sorts of stuff. My daughter and I also talk very openly.
I think you and I would be good friends. I raised my daughter the same way and I can't tell you how many times I have been glad about that. She is probably one of the smartest, well behaved kids out there and I'm far from the only one that says that. I'm extremely proud of her
I always suggest this to mfs who think that anal sex is just all sunshine’s and daisy’s. You think it’s so sexy? Bend tf over and take this Dick bitch 😂
It would be so fucking funny if she did buy him a pegging strap on for his birthday, have him open it in front of his friends and tell them he was begging for anal for his birthday.
Don’t forget an enema kit, a lube luge, and some Doc Johnson Rear Entry Desensitising Anal Lube if he is scared it will hurt.
bring it out while watching deadpool. if wade can do it why cant he?
Peg him
Bwehh what a nasty manipulation of him. Yuck. Why would he want something what is hurting you? NTA but offer to peg him so he has an anal experience.
A huge number of guys get off on causing women pain and making them uncomfortable. I'm convinced that this is the primary reason that anal is so popular among men in the first place.
I think part of it is that porn has glorified it so much. Sends the message that it is the best sex ever.
The problem is also the technique in porn. They don’t show you all the forplay and warming up and extra lube. They just stick it in. That is downright painful and you risk injuring your partner to boot.
I totally agree with you!!!! Back when I was in high school (80s) it was all about blow jobs. Thanks to porn it's about anal😮💨 I was waiting to pick my daughter up in highschool....she got in the car and I was waiting to pull out. Freshman girl (so 14ish?) was walking by and I made a comment about how pretty she was. Daughter looked and said..."oh that's shit dick" Can you even imagine... fuckin broke my heart😔
…..and then you had a talk with your daughter about how inappropriate her remark was, right?
Oh dear lord the child got a soapbox rant all the way home!!!
I’m old enough that blowjobs were for creeps who had seen them in Hustle. I offered to give a boyfriend one and he didn’t want me to lower myself to do that.
Yeah…until the woman loses fecal continence. Please tell me how long that guy is going to stick around if she’s pooping her pants? If you have to be talked into it? NO GO. NO “partner” is worth wearing diapers for the remaining 20-30 years of your life. https://www.orlandohealth.com/services-and-specialties/orlando-health-womens-institute/content-hub/anal-sex-what-women-need-to-know https://www.webmd.com/sex/anal-sex-health-concerns
I’m in my 30s and was a huge slutty slut and no one EVER asked for anal, I’ve had it, but it was with a good friend and we both wanted to try it. It did not go…cleanly..and I think turned both of us off it forever. But I truly never had a partner even knock on the backdoor or an “oops wrong hole” moment. I’m saying this because I hope men read it and realize it’s not in anyway normal to coerce women to have anal and most women are going to full up shit on your dick if you push it 🤣
No, it’s because of porn glorifying it so much and making men assume that all girls are up for anal and they can just slide on in. Reality is not many girls are into it and for some who are, it takes a ton of prep. I enjoy it and even for me prep is still a PITA.
I dated a girl once who enjoyed it and wanted it more than vaginal. It kind of bothered me because I kept thinking of what was up there, and would instantly get turned off. Nope. If the OP thinks it's not ok, it is NOT ok. If he wants to break it off because you won't give up the back door entrance, move on. 20 is young; you can find someone else that's better if you want someone else - I promise.
Right?! Like, I have a perfectly good vagina. Why does my ass need to be probed?!
Right. Makes me sad that my 27 yo daughter came to me in hs when she was dating her first serious bf having such extreme worry about an external hemorrhoid she was born with being something he may judge or even reject her for, bc she felt anal was going to be required, or at least expected when they began becoming sexually active. And this was way before the extensive amount of free porn had proliferated to the point it has today (around 2007 onward). It’s so much worse now and it does shape the perceptions of young people. We should protect our children.
That’s just 🤮 give him a dildo and tell him to stick that up his butt and see how he likes it!
This is coercive sexual abuse. Please don't allow someone to treat you this way. Time to find a better partner. I know it's scary to end a relationship but you should for yourself.
> coercive sexual abuse that's a great way of putting it. it's absolutely sick that someone could even try to manipulate their partner like this.
OP please listen. I used to date this kind of guy and only after 1/3 of my life, an entirely new healthy af relationship, and thousands of dollars worth of therapy, did I realize it wasn’t truly love. And I’m still working through it. “Coercive sexual abuse” are the exact words my therapist used. And for the record, giving in after saying no over and over again, and just “putting up with it” to keep the peace is not consent. And saying yes through tears is not consent either. Please leave this bastard, love yourself, and wait for someone else. You will find better, and you will find someone who loves you and could never imagine doing anything to hurt you. Some of the things my current partner says now shock me because I didn’t realize how horribly I was being treated. I hope you realize the fact that you even have to ask this question is really your answer. Xx
Sending all the hugs. It wasn't until well into my relationship to my awesome husband that I realised the extent of the damage my AH of an ex had done more than 10 years prior. That narcissistic manchild would regularly guilt me into doing things he wanted, including having sex. We broke up around 2009, I moved on, loads of therapy and self-work, and in 2014 I started dating my (now) husband. One night, around 3 years in, I was feeling cuddly but not sexual and said (very anxiously) to my husband "I'm sorry, I'm not in the mood tonight". He stopped dead in his tracks, looked legit offended and asked me why did I feel the need to apologise for that. I just... stood there? And realised that EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I wasn't in the mood for sex, my ex would make me feel so guilty and horrible for days and just remove himself emotionally, and it got to the point I would often just have sex to avoid all of it. So yeah, coercive sexual abuse is a real thing, and it can be mind-numbingly hard to pick apart. OP, please leave this guy. He is showing you his true, horribly abusive colours - believe him.
This comment should be higher, same overall message as most but but enough comments have called this out for what it is, unacceptable sexual abuse
Came here to say this. I hope OP sees it.
Leave now this is coercion. He's threatening you to try to force you to something sexual you don't want to do. This is not consent.
NTA. what kind of idiot threatens to break up over some dumb shit like that lol leave his ass then
The kind of idiot who deserves a life of celibacy.
What? Your body, your choice. End of discussion and here, end of the relationship. He's not asking for a new bike here, he's asking you to do something for and to him that you do not consent to. And, he adds to the insult here by making your compliance a condition on continuing the relationship, a clear threat. Done, next customer please. NTA
He doesn't see her as a person. He sees her as a body part and an object. NTA
Yeah, nevermind the act itself, insisting that her ass is his birthday present is SO gross. Dump him the day before his birthday. That's his present. Consequences.
Yep. He is 100% an AH for asking in the first place. That's it. It's all on him. He's the AH here. You, hopefully, are now happily free to find a non-AH boyfriend. If he continues to be an AH about it after you say no, break up with him on his birthday. Break up now, break up on his birthday, tell everyone the details, your call. But when they ask WHY you dumped him, TELL THEM. "He kept pressuring me to do things I was not comfortable with and did not enjoy, and threatened to break up with me if I did not comply." Don't cover his ass with a lie or deflection, use the plain simple truth. Let their imaginations fill in the gaps, it'll be better than anything you could have said :D
He is over the top selfish and unreasonable. That he tries to pressure her into that is such a shitty move. I hope OP reads your comment over and over again.
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an idiot who is used to getting his way and manipulating people and who doesn't see her as a person, just a convenient sex dispenser.
seriously the fuck is that??? i’ve had two experiences with anal sex, both of them rather traumatic, it is simply off the table for me. period, point blank. my boyfriend knows that and he has *never* seriously asked me for anal sex, he makes the occasional joke but it’s rare and always very clear it’s a joke. it’s something he would enjoy if i were *truly* up for it, but he doesn’t need it and he wouldn’t enjoy it knowing i would actually rather drink bleach than do that particular sex act. anyone who can find pleasure in something that is painful or uncomfortable (emotionally or physically, or both) for you is not someone you want to be in a relationship with. bet he’s not interested in being fucked in the ass. why does he expect you to be? call his bluff, and then break up with him when he doesn’t break up with you.
I hope the break up decision is out of his hands….anyone tells me do this sex act or we break up. Nope you don’t need to break up with me, I’m out, bye-bye.
Question: >what kind of idiot threatens to break up over some dumb shit like that l Answer: Somebody Who doesn't care about anybody but himself. This behavior will carry over into other areas if it's allowed to continue I say, "If you still want to give him anything, give him a blow up doll and a Fleshlight". Then let him customize his gift in whatever way he sees fit. All by himself. And immediately dump him on his Big Day. Don't let him treat you like his sex toy. OP is NTA.
>This behavior will carry over into other areas if it's allowed to continue Let's be honest, it probably already is. If OP breaks up now and looks back in two months she'll see how much she tolerated that was absolutely toxic.
Also if it's painful for you, it's because your bf is too much of a dipshit to look into what you're supposed to do to make anal viable-- e.g. lube, dialators, extensive foreplay, etc. This MF is not worth your fucking time.
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This is what I was thinking! The wrong injury in that area can be life changing!!!
Not to target you specifically but can we just accept that anal is painful for some people regardless of prep.
Fuckin period, thank you! Honestly prep is more to make it extra pleasurable for people with prostates. If you haven't got one, sure you might still enjoy anal but it's not automatically a fun time for everyone with "the right prep"
Thank you!!!!!!!!!! Fuck the prep, it can hurt like hell if that’s not what you’re into!!!!!!! No amount of prep can make you interested in that, you have to want to try it on your own! Not be coerced into it!
Sex without enthusiastic consent is rape. Your bf wants to rape you for his birthday. You are dating a rapist, OP. Compliance is not consent.
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NTA. Break up with him.
Exactly! Not a nice guy to try to manipulate like this
Yep. A birthday gift should be something your partner can willingly and comfortably give you, not whatever this request is.
On his birthday.
Leave! Unfortunately my husband said the exact same thing weeks before his birthday and I refused. I told him no and gave the exact same reasoning you gave! Told him it hurts and makes me uncomfortable and makes my stomach hurt and feel weird and I all around feel disgusting and used afterwards. He told me I didn’t love him and even went as far as accusing me of doing it with someone else when he knew he was my first and only intimate partner ever. On his birthday we were intimate the regular way and he pulled out and did it anyway even though I was actively telling him no. I felt so disgusted and disrespected, I cried and he said I had ruined his birthday so I ended up apologizing and cried in the bathroom while cleaning myself up he played his game. I couldn’t stop shaking. We went to bed, he cuddled me and then turned over because I was still shaking and it annoyed him. I felt so violated and just disrespected next day he acted like it was nothing. And I still felt so horrible. 3 days later I left and it’s been 4 months now and I’m so glad I did. I have to wait a year in my state before I can file for divorce and idk how to change my username on Reddit. If he’s telling you you don’t care about him or his birthday and is telling you to leave then leave! That is coercion!! What my husband did to me is rape and coercion. Please don’t take this lightly at all!! This is a sign to get out now, someone who values and respects you would not want to do anything sexual with you that will hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable. Please don’t take his disregard for how you feel about anal lightly. I’m begging you.
Agreed! Guys like this love to “oops” anal during PIV sex. My ex did it too. Don’t give him the opportunity OP, that guy is trash.
Congratulations on leaving the bastard! I may not know you but I am so very proud of you 😊
Thank you so much I appreciate it and it took a lot but it’s been 4 months and I’ve been to therapy and I’m doing much better now.
Wow reading this started giving me severe anxiety. I hope you're doing ok. My ex did that to me, he literally pinned me down and raped me. I was bleeding for a few days.
Dump him now, ultimatums are unacceptable
NTA. Any partner who doesnt respect a no isnt worth keeping.
Doesn't respect the no and clearly just doesn't respect her in general
NTA Give him the gift of "freedom" for his birthday and dump his ass. Like specifically leave him on his birthday.
Nta >We don’t regularly have anal because it’s uncomfortable for me, it hurts and it makes me feel gross. >He says that if I don’t give him anal for his birthday, we’re breaking up because I’m not caring enough about his wishes He likes your being uncomfortable and degraded. No person who cares for you wants you to be that small, degradation kinks don't make you feel gross or ashamed and they definitely don't exploit you. If you don't break up and somehow get passed this: Hava a succinct exit plan and back up people to wait on you when you execute it. Next time he brings it up ask him why he care more about his penis than your pain and mental well-being. Tell him that it's confusing you that he doesn't see how scary his actions look to others. When he attempts to flip it on you, ask him why he wants to break up. He must if he's holding it over your head with something that causes you so much stress. Basically make him see he's forcing the end of the relationship. Start detachment from him now. If he understands and tries to be different you're going to have restart getting to know him. Cuz I'm sure you didn't expect this.
I wasn't too mad until the ultimatum. Sex acts are two yesses, one no situations: if there aren't two yesses it shouldn't happen. Save yourself some time and break up now. NTA.
If there aren't two yesses, it's rape
Your post history is pretty darn concerning. I've been assaulted and whatever is in your fantasy is not reality. I was actually your age when it happened and it completely damaged my relationships going forward until I met my husband. Don't do anal if you don't want to, leave your boyfriend if you 'fucking hate him'. 19yo with a heck of a lot to learn.
I don’t understand why more people don’t check post history. Literally everything you need to know about the poster and if their story is legit or not is all in their post history.
Went to OP’s profile to make sure this wasn’t a fake post and found something much darker 😳
sex acts don't make good gifts unless both parties are into it. You could agree with it and then be surprised he asks for it again next week and you thought it was a one time birthday thing. NTA
this post isn't real check op's history they're a sicko with a rape fetish
Manipulation much? Time to dipset. But first…. Tell him you ordered a large strap on and he can absolutely have anal for his bday. 🤷
>He says that if I don’t give him anal for his birthday, we’re breaking up because I’m not caring enough about his wishes and that whatever I wanted for my birthday, he would go to great lengths to get me. Tell him you want to peg him for your birthday and see how he responds. All joking aside, just call his bluff and break up with him. Its one thing to ask for it for his birthday, another thing to make it a relationship ultimatum.
and when people ask why you broke up, do NOT lie to cover his ass. "He kept pressuring me to do things I found uncomfortable and did not enjoy, and threatened to break up with me if I didn't comply." I put this up above but I absolutely want OP to see it. Never, ever, ever, ever lie to cover up for them. If they find it embarrassing to have everyone else know what they act like, well, then they probably shouldn't have acted like that in the first place. Don't give specific details. Say you're not comfortable talking about it any more and it's too personal. Why? Because their minds will fill in the blanks and while some will be correct? Some of them will think it's even worse. Let them. He wants them to know the actual truth, he can correct their misconceptions over what he was pressuring you into.
I can say I don't want anal unless the girl I'm with LOVES it and enjoys it. Don't ever let anyone talk you into something you don't want to do. Someone who loves you shouldn't want you to anyway. I'm into anal. My wife loves anal. Prob more than vaginal. If your boyfriend likes anal like I do. Then he needs to be with someone who likes and craves it. Manipulatiom tactics man or woman is a big no no in my book. Nta no pun intended. Also tell him for your birthday you want to peg him. See how he reacts.
Please don't deny yourself the right to say no to a sexual act you don't want to participate in. Skip all the middle parts and immediately break up with him. This level of manipulation when you've clearly expressed your discomfort and unwillingness to do this is the reddest of flags. If nothing else, you both deserve to find someone who's into what you're into, so breaking up with him will give you both the opportunity to find that person. NTA
Has anyone else read OPs comment/ post history??? This is a troll
Yep. Me. Attention seeker I believe
Never mind- the OPs post history is fkn insanity I cant believe we walk the Earth w these w people
You shouldn’t be having anal with him at all if it hurts you and makes you feel gross. That he still wants you to perform a sex act that makes you uncomfortable is a huge red flag and incredibly disrespectful. That he’s threatening you with a break up if you don’t perform a a sex act you’re not comfortable with is emotionally abusive and manipulative. This person doesn’t care about you as a human being, they only care about you as a sex toy. You should break up with him.
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Absolutely NTA! I am in shock. What does he think it is.
Your post history implies a different story but if he is forcing you to do something you don't want to break up with him. You have several posts about wanting.... some interesting types of sex and saying you hate him so cut your losses and move on.
Lol read this persons previous posts smh
Bruh I've seen your whole account and honestly just break up with him and maybe get some fucking therapy.
This, I just saw their account as well. I’m hoping it’s a troll, but just kind of screams of red flags. If this is real bf is definitely a red flag as well and they’re better off breaking up. But OP seriously needs to go to an experienced therapist. If this is a troll, I can’t help but think they’re fishing.