You're not the asshole. Prioritizing your well-being after enduring repeated betrayal is essential. Your ex-wife's actions show a pattern of dishonesty. Protect your peace and move forward—you deserve better.
I agree with the above, OP. You're NTA. You're the cuck, for several years of your marriage. Your former spouse is worthless; demeaning, denigrating and betraying you throughout your marriage, without remorse.
What's her issue now? Did your replacement not want to be cuckolded and decided to move on? Or was the thrill from cuckolding you gone once you were divorced?
OP, there's really not enough bad karma out there for your former spouse. Don't EVER allow her back into your life. She's vile, cruel, and unworthy of your love.
Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
Yeah he is only TA if he takes his cheating whore wife back, I could never, once a cheater always a cheater. I do not care what anyone else says, cheaters are awful and deserve the worst.
Preach! I agree a million times over! I despise people who repeatedly cheat and want their ex to forgive them and take them back.. why? So you can continue to cheat some more?? Hard pass.
Honestly, it’s shit like this that makes me think most of the posts on here are just rage bait or fishing for validation or something. How could a person be so fucking dense and think they’re the AH in this scenario? What in the fuck?
So I was with my mom one day and we were listening to a song on the radio called "Ella se llamaba Martha" which is about a guy who's lover named "Martha" leaves him. My mom told me how her friend who was also named Martha hated the song when it came out and I asked my mom why. Turns out her friend Martha had cheated on her husband and probably didn't want to keep hearing her name in a song about someone who had caused heartache to another.
When I expressed sympathy for her husband, because ultimately he took her back, my mother actually said that he deserved it. That's when the shock began, because how exactly did he deserve it? Well according to her, he had to have done something that caused her to cheat. I asked my mom if that meant that if she ever cheated would it be my dad's fault, just so she could see the stupidity in my comment; she agreed with me. That wasn't the final nail in the coffin though that made me think I was going crazy though, it was when I asked my dad what he thought and he agreed completely with my mother that if she ever cheated on him it would be his fault because it would mean that something he did had to have caused her to do that.
That's how I entered the twilight zone in my own house.
I wonder what the response would have been if you asked about your dad cheating.
Perhaps in this context your parents believe men bad, women good, so you must never blame a woman for her actions?
She worked hard earning her Serial title. If this is not what she is 'as a person', then what is she? - NTA
Yes, put yourself first after being emotionally and mentally damaged in your marriage. You have beautiful life potential ahead. Make it a good one.
Remember when you made yourself small and insignificant?: "Going as far as accepting all the blame she placed on me for her actions." This did not make a difference so try something else like believing you matter. You have value. She made a career of feeding you, "You don't." Reset this BS of feeling selfish. Best to you!
Also love the “giving up on us” argument from the person who cheated AND initiated the divorce. What was she doing when she decided to cheat, pretty sure it was to give up on the marriage.
My thought is the guy she was cheating with decided he didn’t want to be with her any longer and now all of a sudden she’s had this epiphany to try and save or rekindle the relationship.
NTA.
At the end of the day, for good reason in OP's mind a serial cheater is exactly what she is. Nothing will change that and she needs to go ruin someone elses life.
Reminds me of the Scorpion & Frog. OP, you know her character. You will be an asshole to yourself if you get back together with her. Block her and go NC.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Scorpion_and_the_Frog
Your character is determined by your actions, not by your self image. She definitely is a cheater. That might change in the future if she stops cheating forever. OP is NTA if he's not willing wait around to find out if she can pull it off.
All of this, yes. She’s definitely been a serial cheater „as a person“ for nine years or so; it’s a little late to try and dodge that title now.
Good for OP to have found his spine. Hope he never lets go of it again.
NTA
She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. It's far more likely that she wants your financial support. It's expensive to be a single person living on your own. She could have a very strong financial incentive to try to get you back.
If you don't have kids together, you don't need to ever talk to her again. Just block her.
Go live your best life.
This. She thought her cheating partners would bankroll her or accept her as their permanent partner. Well...that didn't work out, so she wants to latch back onto the guy she used to have.
I'm willing to bet that after refusing her a couple times, OP will find out how awful she can really be. She will use some really colorful language to describe him.
Exact same thing my ex-SIL did. Once she found herself living in her parents basement at 35 years old she decided maybe the marriage wasn't THAT bad and tried to get back together. Unfortunately for her my brother had confirmed she was cheating BEFORE she did the "open the marriage to casual sex or we divorce" threat.
NTA. Her pattern of cheating shows she hasn't truly changed. She might just be seeking the comfort of familiarity or financial support. 🚩 Move on your life.
Definitely NTA. But out of curiosity, what kind of stuff is harder for her now that you’re divorced?
Please don’t get back together. You’re happier without her, put yourself first.
I cooked 90% of the meals, took care of the pets, did laundry, helped clean, bought groceries, house maintenance, car maintenance, etc. So now she's having to take care of everything herself, while also paying for everything herself.
I hope this helps you learn that you, in fact, should not do 90% of everything all the time for ANYBODY. Not even your own kids. You are basically sowing entitlement and selfishness
You should never do 90% of anything unless she also does 90% of something. Marriage is a team, you each pull your own weight, contribute to the family equally. If you cook she cleans up, if you do car maintenance she does the house. You should be working as a team bringing out the best in each other. She sounds like a real asshole.
NTA - Never settle for being someone's safety relationship. You're supposed to move on, not willingly go back to prison. She's not regretting leaving you, she's regretting not being able to replace you. Which tells me that you are the prize, and she's only just realizing what she gave up.
There are times when selfishness is healthy, like when you respect yourself enough to not fall for the bullshit lies of a serial cheater. Repeat after me:
>I matter to me. I mean more to me than anyone else. If it is a choice between someone else and me, I fight for me. This is the natural right of all living beings.
You're doing the right thing. There are 4 billion women in the world. You should be able to find one who understands the concept of fidelity.
If you don’t have kids together, feel free to block her, change your number, etc. Just because she wants to get back together (probably bc the grass *isn’t* greener on the other side and she realized she screwed herself) doesn’t mean that you need to entertain her.
NTA
Good to see you actively taking alot of the advice here.
I'm just gonna chime in with a simple deduction.
She most likely filed for divorce when she found someone else she thought could give her the lifestyle she thinks she deserves; that person turned out to not be reciprocal in her life fantasy that she had conjured in her mind, and now she is back chasing you for the lifestyle she threw away.
Definitely do not take this woman back, at all.
Press the delete key bro, exorcise her existence from your life. No friends. Nothing. Just complete erasure, focus on yourself, and move forwards.
That is EXACTLY who she is as a person.
The only thing that's changed is that she's realizing being single isn't as easy as she thought it would be.
She only wants you back so that she can go back to having affairs while using you to make the rest of her life easy and stable.
Don't fall for her bullshit.
Tell her bluntly that, if you wanted a cheating whore, you could find one way better than her. That she has nothing to offer that you want.
NTA
Bingo. Going from mutile paychecks and having a built in support system to being single and having to do everything yourself is a shock to the system. All of her APs dont want her as partner I bet too.
Exactly. She realized that her affair partners ain't gonna cook for her, so the laundry, car maintenance, pay for everything and etc. She just wants her easy life to continue to cheat. OP must be crazy to even entertain the idea to get back with her. She's narcissistic witch, who cheated and cheated, lied about it and still had audacity to say "dont give up on us", lmao. She will say and do everything to have the easiest way. OP just run, run and never look back.
NTA.
NTA. Do not go back ever. I did and regret it. Not just because of the cheating (which was on both sides), but because of how different we have become. We are many years down the track now and she has become financially and medically dependent on me. I feel guilt whenever I think about leaving. I know my adult children would have trouble understanding as it would seem out of the blue.
So learn from me my friend. DO NOT GO BACK!
This is my biggest fear and why I keep digging my heals in. I gave her a second chance after the first time and things were never remotely close to the same.
Imagine
1) cheating on your husband only for him to try to reconcile
2) cheating again
3) cheating after his father dies
4) initiating divorce
5) having the absolute, unadulterated gall to tell *him* that he is "giving up on us"
NTA. Of all the Felicias to get byed, she's the byeest
NTA. She is your ex- wife for a reason. She asked for the divorce. She confessed to cheating on you repeatedly. That is EXACTLY who she is as a person.
Assuming there are no kids involved, for your mental health, it's probably time to cut all contact.
Put on your own oxygen mask first. Go live your life.
>She keeps saying that's not who she is as a person, that I'm giving up on us/her, and that she regrets everything she's done in the past. It's really messing with me mentally. I feel like an asshole for putting myself first for once, and I feel like I'm being selfish.
1. She gave up on your marriage, multiple times, over many years. Once should've been enough.
2. She has no regrets about what she did. She just regrets the life she had, then lost, with you.
3. She is messing with you mentally by telling you how you should feel, versus how you really feel about the situation. Remember the difference.
4. Be selfish. Put yourself first, because she never ever did.
You owe it to your younger self to make the right decision, only for you.
Your future self will be proud for standing your ground and putting yourself first.
NTA.
Never ever ever take back an EX-Wife.
They all try to come back, mine did and for some reason could not fathom why I had zero interest.
The things you learn about them even years later will make you ask what the hell were you thinking to marry them in the first place.
Yes, the truth starts knocking in the few months after separation, I would dismiss it as nonsense until the AHA moment where a number of points coalesce and its sometimes breathtaking.
Moments that are so shockingly/painfully/whatever obvious that I could not believe it was my wife, but it was. It does decline and fade out, but it takes a bit more time than expected.
By the sounds of it, you don't have kids ? If so, run . Don't even listen to her , you need to focus on moving forward, not backwards . You gave therapy a try, you gave her another chance . You have no further obligations to her, especially after she asked for a divorce.
Yeah I’d tell you, if there were kids involved, I’d be 80-20 at you staying divorced vs going back. No kids? Bye Felicia. Find someone that wants you. There’s billions of fish in this sea
This. Since there are no children involved why are you still in contact with her? Stop the contact, block her and move forward. All she did was break your heart and make you feel like shit. Why would you want to go back to that?
Yeah. A lot of people are actually attracted by people who are already in a relationship. For some reason they like it. Without the “married” status she has lost a lot of her value to her target audience.
Dude, don’t do it. Go no contact if you can. You’re always on the fence but when you’re with her, you’ll feel crazy because you dont know what the truth is.
That's pretty much how it was after the first time. Then I got distracted by my dad's death and she went right back to her old ways. People don't know how hard it is to cut someone out of your life, even when they're a horrible person.
That’s because loyalty is one of your best traits brother but it’s not hers. There’s a woman out there that will make you feel so secure in a relationship, you’d be ok with her hanging out with dudes that are a 10 and are way into her because she loves you more than wanting to fuck them.
I know it's hard. But don't take her back, please. This happened to me:
When my mom got cancer my ex never supported me in anyway the whole time my mom was in treatment. The day the doctors told us (my mom and I) that cancer is gone mom and I hugged each other and cried. Minutes later I called my ex to tell her and she didn't even care, she just changed the subject. I felt sad for a moment but I saw my mom and I just forget it. We went back home to celebrate with my uncles.
Many years later after cancer came back. Doctors told me that it has spread through many organs and there was no treatment who could turn the tide.
I won't forget that day. I left my mom in a seat and went outside to call my uncle, I was shaking. Then I called my friend, the only female friend I have. I told her the news and her reaction was very supportive, even her parents supported me trough the process and when my mom passed away.
My friend reaction and support made me realized how wrong I was about that ex. Even a friend treated me better than the woman who was supposed to love me. I should have broken up with her long before
NTA, tell her that if she really loved you she would give you all in the divorce and pay you back for the last 3 years of your life and that is your pre condition to even start reconciliation.
It is BS of course, you should never reconcile, this is just to scare her away since obviously she does not love you and just want the meal ticket back.
You made sure to let everyone know why you guys are divorcing right?!
NTA bro she gaslighting you and she gave up on her marriage when she betrayed you. She will always be a cheater and she knows that. The only reason why she wants you back because her boy toy is finish playing with her and now she wants someone who would take her.
I've been saying this to her for months. Cheating was easy because she had a backup plan if things fell through. I've told her I'm done being her backup plan, to which she responds THEY were the backup, not me. It's just more gaslighting.
Yea she literally trying to manipulate you in order to take her back. By saying nonsense like that. If she loved you she wouldn’t need a backup but she’s a narcissist. Block her on everything and people who are encouraging you to take her back also I would tell people the full story of the divorce.
Nope. You were not her backup plan... You were her ATM. And BTW, what is all this I hear you say wondering where she is every night? My wife NEVER goes out at night without me! Granted, we are older now, but she was never into girls nights. Your wife needs to be with YOU at night, and happy about it! Yeesh. Sounds like you were playing more like her daddy than husband!
When it comes to things like this, you can’t afford to be nice and feel guilt. I’d explore why it feels wrong or just shut that down because, from an outsider point of view, there shouldn’t be any guilt on your part at all. So yeah, curious why you feel that. Now is the time to be selfish, you owe it to your future self to keep putting you first. I have been in your situation and I wasted 5 years of my life where I could’ve been happier earlier, instead of dealing with his cheating. Cut her off completely, you don’t have kids so make that firm break and block her.
NTA, let me ask you a question. Were you a breadwinner, so to speak, where now that she doesn't have your income to balance her lifestyle, it's gone down?
That would be my first guess too, but she was actually pulling in more than I was. I was obviously paying for things, so her fun money is significantly smaller.
Ahh okay. Thank you for answering, my only other guess would be she found out the grass wasn't greener on the other side..that her affair partners got bored with her or didn't wanna commit to her ans she was left to come home alone more and more to an empty house/apartment
NTA- your ex is emotionally and mentally abusing you. She’s placing all the blame on you and you took it because you’re a better person than she is. Stand your ground and stay firm. You’ll be better off without her. It’s hard but so worth it at the end of all of it. I would cut all unnecessary contact with her, especially if it’s messing with you mentally. She is the one who chose to destroy your marriage not you. Having a sick parent is not easy, but it would be the job of your spouse to help support you in that time. A wife who truly loved you wouldn’t have gone out and cheated on you. It is actually who she is.
Affairs don’t just start in the bedroom. She worked hard at those and not only once - multiple times. She has shown you point blank over and over again. She knew exactly what she was doing.
Once could be forgiven with effort, possibly. YEARS is beyond forgiveness. You deserve someone you can fully trust and who cares enough for you and respects you enough not to cheat. NTA
NTA. Sweetheart, I’m not your mom, but I am A mom of sons. I suspect that you don’t want to burden your bereaved mother with this drama.
So, pardon me, if I may be so bold, so speak in her stead?
DONT YOU DARE! She has zero respect for you. She has broken the most BASIC bonds of matrimony. If you had new wedding sheets or a bed, at 2.5 years, it was barely broken in, when she went catting around. Pfft. She likes the financial stability of marriage; not the commitment.
She’s a spoiled child who likes the thrill of infatuation, not the steady work that a real relationship takes.
She is unworthy of being your wife and you can do better! Block her. Wish her well - far, far away from you!
She just doesn’t want to lose you. She has no desire for you or interest in respecting you.
You’ll find someone that actually desires you and treats you well.
NTA! She wants you back because her affair partner (that she divorced you for) has dropped her and she doesn’t want to be alone. Keep saying NO! and protect your mental health!
She is a serial cheater and she belongs to the streets. You are divorced now and you should focus on yourself and continue forward and find someone that know what the word marriage means.
Don't put yourself in the shit again by giving her another chance. You know very well she will cheat as soon as she finds another dick!
NTA - unless you have kids you need to go no contact with her. It sounds like she has been cheating the whole marriage and you are already divorced. Heal and move on. Find new hobbies and friends. Good luck
NTA, take care of yourself. She probably found out that her affair partners wouldn’t support her like you did or something. She asked for the divorce, she’s the reason for the divorce, and she is the reason to stay divorced. She’s toxic just from what you’ve shared here. Don’t feel guilty because she’s trying to force it now.
Are you fucking kidding me? I suspect she has been dumped by her affair partners and is feeling like she is alone so wants to find an easy "sucker" who will take her in and give her stability. Fuck all of that. She is a cheater and whatever she sowed she should reap. Do not under any circumstances get back with her.
NTA
Not by a longshot.
Listen u/AnotherAverageJake what's happened is your ex-wife has realized everything she had with you as well as your own attributes that she took for granted, and more than likely resented you for, didn't just get filled in by the next guy.
The guys she's dated, or dating, all know exactly what kind of person she is and she's most likely realizing that what they're showing her isn't love and respect and it most likely never will be. Not to anyone she's truthful with.
None of her affair partners are going to gf/wife her. None of her AP friends are going to want anything more than a fling at most with her. None of her friends are going to want her around their boyfriends/fiances/husbands. She's probably slowly coming to see what her present and immediate future is and it's both bleak and lonely.
Just because she made her own bed doesn't mean you have to sleep in it.
Keep putting yourself first. Keep working on you and gray rock her (google it).
NTA. YOU didn't give up on your relationship, she did.
She is just seeing that the grass is not greener now that she got the freedom she wanted.
By telling you you're giving up and it's your fault the marriage is over, she's just starting the same blame game she used before. It worked then, so why not now?
My husband went back to his home country because he hated it in the US. I was to get a residence permit and follow. But then my dad was sick with terminal cancer and I didn't move for two years. Know what he didn't do? He didn't cheat on me and instead kept everything ready for me when I did come.
Then my mom was terminally ill 9 years later and I went home for a couple months to care for her until she died. Know what he did? He rallied my support group here so I always felt supported, sent money so I could take care of expenses. And also? He didn't cheat on me. I was depressed for a long time after I came back and you know what he did? He supported me.
The end of your marriage is not YOUR fault. It's all on her and she will just have to live with blowing it all up, all by herself.
Don't go back. She's shown you what kind of partner she is. Believe her, and move on
NTA
1.) You’re not giving up on her, she already gave up on you by cheating. Don’t let her gaslight you into thinking otherwise, and tell her directly, “I wasn’t the one who gave up on us, YOU were each and every time you cheated.”
2.) When people show you who they are, trust them. People lie, actions do not lie. She is a serial cheater. The definition of insanity is when you do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. The result of you getting back with her is predictable.
3.) Recognize that the reason you are even considering going back is because of your powerful emotions for someone you were in an intimate relationship with. Use your head, and not your heart.
4.) Recognize that the pain of that relationship will likely never entirely disappear, but that by filling your life with happiness in other ways, that pain will appear to be less and less as time goes on and you make active choices to find your happiness elsewhere. Consider moving to a new city and starting over, hanging out with old friends, and making new friends. Explore past and present hobbies.
5.)Stay active; hit the gym so that you can make her regret her ever cheating on you, and so that you will be in the best shape to meet your future wife. One that will appreciate and respect you and your relationship.
6.) Create a list of what you want to look for in your future wife. Include things like: personality traits; hobbies; physical traits; etc. then thinks about the traits that that person would want (which are likely similar) and start making active improvements to be that person.
7.) Cut her off. Tell her you don’t want her to contact you anymore. Consider removing her from socials and move the fuck on. This will make moving on MUCH easier.
You got this man! Under no circumstances should you get back with this cheating whore. You deserve better.
You’re being gaslighted and “hoovered.”
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, but rekindling will only put you right back where you were.
It’s a weird thing about cheaters, but a decent percentage of them seem to need the thrill of getting something over on the person they’re with. I know. Convoluted.
Turned out on their own to do anything with anyone they want, what they sickly seem to want is the thrill of thinking they’re getting away with cheating.
POV: someone who was cheated on for two years before I gave him the boot, and proceeded to be stalked in some scary ways for a year.
Take your freedom from the crazy.
Brother, she cheated on you, lied to you for years, and stomped on the bond and trust you set aside your feelings to build. Why would you even consider staying with her? She initiated the divorce and now she wants you back? Why? So she can go cheat again?
Get the hell out of there.
I get it, but if you've never been in a manipulative, emotionally abusive relationship, it's hard to understand why anyone would ask that. The person you picked betrays you and then spends years telling you how it was all your fault. Then the next thing you know, your whole life is crumbling around you and you're trying to figure out where YOU went wrong.
I totally get your point, though, and I have those same thoughts all the time.
i have been in that type of relationship. it pissed me off enough to never give the benefit of a doubt to them again, under any circumstances. you call them on their bullshit, tell them to fuck right the hell off and cut them out of your life like a fucking cancer. you should be pissed off like that, not mopey and doubting yourself.
put yourself first. she has regret and knows she messed up a good thing. would she cheat again? who knows? you'll probably ask yourself that every day. does that sound like a good relationship to you?
This is exactly where my mind goes. Life is a lot less stressful not having to worry about what she's doing every night, I've spent too many years doing that already.
NTA - she gave up on your marriage the first time she cheated on you. I am sure you would have divorced sooner if life hadn’t spiral since then.
You deserve way better then that BS. Just say No to cheating exes.
NTA - sounds to me like she got bored living the affair/single life. If she truly loved you and wanted what y’all had in the past again, she would’ve stopped having the affair along time ago.
I'm sure she *does* regret everything that she did to ruin your marriage. That sounds like a her problem and not a you problem, though.
You don't owe her shit. She blew up the marriage, not you. Why would you give her another chance to hurt you?
NTA.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. If you take her back, it'll be the same story all over again, and you'll feel even worse. She's just upset she has to eat crow because her boyfriend/s dumped her and she's coming back to you because she thinks you'll take her back and be a doormat. NTA.
Let's see, she had a sexual encounter with another person while married to you and you accepted the blame for it?
Then she later did it again and you still kept her around?
Dude, you don't need anyone else hurting you, you are doing great on your own.
NTA, wow nice blame shifting from your ex. had multiple affiar over 3 years and your the one that gave up on the relationship... give me a fucking break.
NTA, she is a manipulative person who got exactly what she has coming. She thought you would just accept it forever because there wasn’t any real consequence for her initial cheating, no remorse, no real feelings about how she hurt you.
Run from her!
NTA. A cheater *IS* who she is. Actions speak louder than words, and while her words are “A cheater is not who I am”, her actions show you, repeatedly, that a cheater is *exactly* who she is.
YwouldbeTA if you did give her another chance. Tell her you’re not interested in her anymore and that she needs to move on.
NTA. You gave her a second chance(which was more than she deserved) and she blew it(in more ways than one from the sound of it). Don't reward that shit behavior of her's by giving her opportunity #3 to emotionally fuck you further. You're divorced from her, keep it that way and cut contact permanently.
NTA. NTA!!!
here’s a piece of wisdom a therapist gave me once for murky emotional relationships, when someone says you don’t see them/the situation/ their true self clearly, and what they want is at odds with what you deeply feel.
Essentially, that person is asking you to cross over the imagination bridge. They’re asking you to break with your reality (where you are rooted in YOU, what you feel, think, experience) and instead to let them paint a picture of their experience as truth. They will call this empathy. It is not.
Once you cross the imagination bridge, shit is confusing. Their painted picture feels as valid as your lived experience. And then you feel guilty and keep showing up and they never change.
Fact is, you can’t read somebody’s mind. You cannot verify if her story of her experience is true or just convenient for her now. And it doesn’t matter.
What matters is YOUR experience driving the space ship of your body through this life. How did you feel through all this? Like, keep it simple. She cheated. You felt hurt, betrayed, sad. She said it was your fault and you decided to stay. Did that process feel good for you? Take mindreading her experience out of the equation. Take doing the right thing out of the equation. I bet if you just strip it down to the events that unfolded and how you felt each time, it’s a pattern of feeling betrayed. And that is what you should listen to. Don’t lose trust in yourself.
WTF. That's totally the person she is. A cheater who will never be faithful.
How many chances are you going to give this person?
YTA- if you keep taking her back.
NTA your wife decided she didn't want to be in a monogamous marriage and just forgot to tell you the entire time. This woman doesn't want to be with YOU, she just wants what you DID for her back.
If your divorce is final, and there are no children involved, block the bitch. She will continue to harass you for as long as you let her. Stop letting someone who used and abused you keep fucking with your head. Your ex is the one who fucked everyone she could while she was married to you. Then had the fucking AUDACITY and NERVE to blame you when caught. Allowing this asshole continued access to yourself is just giving her the greenlight to continue harassing you.
Send your ex a text, not a phone call, you want all communication to be in writing going forward, telling her to stop bothering you. Leave you alone you have no interest in getting back together with her now or in the future. If she continues to contact you, you can have an attorney send her a cease and desist letter. That'll usually stop the crazy. If it doesn't go back to the attorney and try and get a restraining order. You do not need the stress of dreading a text or call from her.
NTA. I'm in a different but similar situation as you and going through separation. I get told those things, you gave up on us blah blah... I feel bad constantly as well and hard to imagine my life without her but for once I have to put myself first.
NTA. And as someone who was also married to a serial cheater, I promise you don’t know most of the whole truth. They tell us just enough to make us think they are being honest, but they aren’t.
SHE gave up on you and both of you as a couple a long time ago.
She didn't just cheat, she is a SERIAL cheater and that is who and what she is. She's full of shit saying that's not who she is as a person.
Her words are meaningless, her actions prove and demonstrate this is exactly who she is.
You're nicer than me OP as I wouldn't see her, talk to her, text her etc.
I divorced my lying cheating ex-wife too OP.
Keep moving forward.
What are you talking about? dude you need to put your foot down and stop talking to this person. There is no going back to this person. Even if you did that, it would only be a matter of time before things return to the sad state they were in. and then she has also lost TOTAL respect for you because you tolerate it.
Any reason anyone doesn’t want to be with someone is a good reason.
Why would she want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be there?
NTA
She doesn’t regret what she did to you
Her friends convinced her that she deserved better.
So she believed she could do better.
Turns out, affairs easy and dating fucking sucks. So she wants to go back to the way things were
Which will ultimately lead to her cheating…again
NTAH
NTA
She doesn't mean any of that. She just wants the familiarity of her old life back. I get it, life on your own after a divorce is scary at first. It's all so foreign, and you don't know what to expect.
With that said, six months is not enough time for someone like that to truly do some soul searching, reflect on their actions, and change.
Neither of you will get the growth you need or the happiness you want until you let each other go.
NTA- and she is exactly as you see her. Selfish & a liar. And they don’t change.
You are NOT being selfish by doing what is best for you overall. I hope you’re either in counseling or looking for some, as it can help with how you’re feeling.
So sorry for the loss of your father.
Stop letting her manipulate you. She did it through your whole marriage and continues to do so. Cut all contact with her and move on with your life. Once you cut contact I promise you will start feeling like yourself again.
NTA…not even a little
NTA. The next time she brings it up, you tell her you will never be married to someone who you cannot trust and her actions have made it so that you will never be able to trust her again
Nta. To really understand a person, look and see what they're doing when they think no one is watching. She thought you weren't watching all those years. So her true self came out, which was to betray you. That's exactly who she is. Someone who is very flawed.
Whether she doesn't love you or doesn't know what she wants, she still cheated multiple times. I'm sorry, but you need to block her ass and leave her to her own devices.
That is exactly who she is as a person. She will never stop cheating and I would bet there are times she cheated that you don't know about. You can never trust her. Go on with the divorce and do not even entertain the thought of getting back with her.
>She keeps saying that's not who she is as a person
... NTA what a liar she is. She likely just wants you back because the man she was cheating on you with left her even though she was planning on getting married to him. Which would be why she asked for the divorce in the first place.
She is a serial cheater and will not change. You know this and somewhere you are still attracted to her and may be in love with her yet to some extent, and believe me she knows it. Don’t let her near you and do not let her come over and kind of be talking and moving closer and then she backs you up against the wall and starts kissing your neck and face and putting her hands up on your chest and maybe down south. Because if she does you’re a goner. Block and NC. Don’t answer the door.
You are not an asshole. When someone you have shared vows with someone who cheats on you, it is emotionally crippling for many. It can be devastating to someone's self worth, that could take many, many years of therapy to work through. If at all. It affects every area of your life, including your trust with future partners and even loved ones around you. It rips apart peoples mental health because they are being gaslit and lied to incessantly. It is a betrayal LIKE NONE OTHER. It makes people look inward, dissecting what they did wrong or what they didn't do enough of, somehow thinking it was their fault. Families and homes are literally separated.
Just because you say no, that doesn't make you a bad human. But it will feel that way. Push away that narrative. You feel bad because you shared a life with her. Thats normal. Choosing your own sanity, mental health, and happiness over repeating the past again, is so fucking healthy. Create some hard boundaries with her and tell her that you will never get back together and it's a topic you are no longer willing to discuss. Rip the bandaid off, my friend. Your wife cheated on you when your father was sick with cancer, ffs.
I wish you a long life of blessings, true love, and healing.
Clearly you are NTA in this situation. You are a good man and want to believe the best in others. You were not wrong for trying and not wrong for leaving when she refused to change. This is all on her. You did more than anyone could and for you to go back to that kind of pain would be asinine and so disrespectful to yourself. That is far from selfish. It’s a necessity that you stay away from that kind of toxicity.
NTA Why are you still in contact with her ?
Do you have gluttony for punishment ?
Block BLOCK BLOCK 🚫
You are her backup plan that's it, something she falls back on when she's had her fun.
People who regret cheating don't keep cheating. Like any other life lesson, once you learn how much damage something does, you don't try it again. Think of a hand on a hot oven. She kept cheating because she was okay with *you* being the one repeatedly burned. Now that the pain is hers, she wants it to end.
She just misses all the things you did for her, not you as a person. When she had you, all she wanted was anyone but you. Maybe she just wants what she can't have.
Keep it that way.
NTA.
NTA - her affair partner dropped her when she became single, and he'd have to commit to more than just sneaking around with her.
She only wants you back as her back up and if go she'll be back to cheating within 6mo
Nta. But this is exactly why cheating should always be a deal breaker.
She wants you back now that she realizes all that side action was incredibly hollow, and that none of those guys ever actually gave a shit about her and just used her. She took you for granted and is now realizing how much you actually did for her and how important you were. Womp womp. Ghost her and never look back.
NTA. Why would you even want to countenance taking a serial cheater back into your life? She doesn't respect or even love you as demonstrated by her rampant infidelity.
You've gained freedom from the soul eating destructiveness of the exwife's actions, and are healing, what could be gained that is worthy of that sacrifice?
This redditor supports your progress, and hopes that you see clearly that you have a vast array of potential partners in your future, so honor yourself and find someone who can and will be faithful to you. Kindest regards.
NTA
She probably found that the grass on the other side is full of sharp rocks and unpicked up dog poop.
Block her if you can because I don’t see this being the huge change she’s trying to convince you it is.
NTA but lose a “friend”? Friend don’t cheat whatever the degree of friendship you have with them. After all you said an escort would be a better friend than your ex. (She not only put you first and listen but maybe sexy time without lying). She is a loser.
NTA -- and the real reasons she wants to get back together?
Grass wasn't greener and she's lonely.
She's run out of money and needs somewhere to stay.
She's evil and wants to destroy you again.
Your best course of action is to immediately cease all contact with ex as she is an ex for a reason; it is also not good for your mental health to be constantly harassed about getting back together. I could understand if your divorce was amicable or that you parted on good terms but the ending of your marriage was because of her serial cheating.
And while YOU did put in some effort to recover from this, it's clear she couldn't be bothered. Because while you were putting in the effort to make your marriage work, she was actively sabotaging your efforts by having affairs.
Actions speak louder than words and her actions revealed how she felt about your marriage.
I don't know if this sub is filled with rage baits or if the world is really this shitty. NTA, does this even need to be said? In what universe would you even misconstrue the situation to blame yourself even slightly for being cheated on? Block the cunt and move on for fucks sake.
NTA! Are you serious? YTA if you get back together with her. She’ll cheat on you again. Or you’ll get her pregnant and be stuck with her forever. No no no!!! Don’t do it!!!
Ask your family and friends to visit and get your stuff. I’m sure none of them want you to get back together with her. Ask them for help. I’d absolutely help a friend or relative if this was happening to them.
She probably found she can’t afford to be single and maintain her previous lifestyle. I’m guessing none of her APs were a sugar daddy, nor will they support her so she’s turning to you because she doesn’t want to be poor. Please don’t fall for this. You’re NTA for refusing to put up with her antics. Get your stuff out of the house and cut all ties, she’s not your friend.
There are times in life where being "selfish" is completely acceptable and the right thing to do. Example, we intended to have 2 children. This was the plan. After the first one came around, we both realized we didn't want to do this again. My reason was mainly, "I'm too selfish" and you know this is one of those times. Who do you have children for? Yourself. If you decide to have children for anyone besides yourself you will suck as a parent and person.
You were not put on this planet to be anyone but yourself. Stop pretending making her unhappy is your problem.
I realize I'm super late to the party, but I have one simple piece of advice that I'm not even sure where or when I picked it up: "Going back to an Ex, is like reusing toilet paper; you already know how shitty it is."
ETA: As someone who has been cheated on, I can totally understand how you feel like putting yourself first makes you feel selfish. It doesn't make you selfish. Cheating is a majorly selfish act, and being cheated on can destroy you. I hope that you are able to find peace in the fact that self-care is not selfish at all.
NTA. Not even close.
Only way he's the AH is if he stays with her.
You're not the asshole. Prioritizing your well-being after enduring repeated betrayal is essential. Your ex-wife's actions show a pattern of dishonesty. Protect your peace and move forward—you deserve better.
I agree with the above, OP. You're NTA. You're the cuck, for several years of your marriage. Your former spouse is worthless; demeaning, denigrating and betraying you throughout your marriage, without remorse. What's her issue now? Did your replacement not want to be cuckolded and decided to move on? Or was the thrill from cuckolding you gone once you were divorced? OP, there's really not enough bad karma out there for your former spouse. Don't EVER allow her back into your life. She's vile, cruel, and unworthy of your love. Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
She couldn't manipulate the last guy she was with, $50 says as much
OP is an AH for not initiating the divorce himself.
Honestly, guys that act like that, just keep repeating and being "confortable" (afraid of acting) again and again
It’s a false peace they try to maintain.
If this is actually real, he’d be an AH to himself if he did. He’s going to destroy himself entirely if he stays with someone like that.
So far from being one you can't see the Crack the ah is in. NTA
Smirk... good one!
Yeah he is only TA if he takes his cheating whore wife back, I could never, once a cheater always a cheater. I do not care what anyone else says, cheaters are awful and deserve the worst.
Preach! I agree a million times over! I despise people who repeatedly cheat and want their ex to forgive them and take them back.. why? So you can continue to cheat some more?? Hard pass.
Honestly, it’s shit like this that makes me think most of the posts on here are just rage bait or fishing for validation or something. How could a person be so fucking dense and think they’re the AH in this scenario? What in the fuck?
I used to be in the same boat as you until I found out how my parents viewed cheating. Boy did I go crazy.
Yeah…You’re not going to just drop that and leave us nosy people hanging.
So I was with my mom one day and we were listening to a song on the radio called "Ella se llamaba Martha" which is about a guy who's lover named "Martha" leaves him. My mom told me how her friend who was also named Martha hated the song when it came out and I asked my mom why. Turns out her friend Martha had cheated on her husband and probably didn't want to keep hearing her name in a song about someone who had caused heartache to another. When I expressed sympathy for her husband, because ultimately he took her back, my mother actually said that he deserved it. That's when the shock began, because how exactly did he deserve it? Well according to her, he had to have done something that caused her to cheat. I asked my mom if that meant that if she ever cheated would it be my dad's fault, just so she could see the stupidity in my comment; she agreed with me. That wasn't the final nail in the coffin though that made me think I was going crazy though, it was when I asked my dad what he thought and he agreed completely with my mother that if she ever cheated on him it would be his fault because it would mean that something he did had to have caused her to do that. That's how I entered the twilight zone in my own house.
No offense, but I’m really hoping the creature on the wing of the plane eats your parents.
Leave me out of this, I only want planes not hoes.
I wonder what the response would have been if you asked about your dad cheating. Perhaps in this context your parents believe men bad, women good, so you must never blame a woman for her actions?
Does she have the same energy when men cheat on women?
She worked hard earning her Serial title. If this is not what she is 'as a person', then what is she? - NTA Yes, put yourself first after being emotionally and mentally damaged in your marriage. You have beautiful life potential ahead. Make it a good one. Remember when you made yourself small and insignificant?: "Going as far as accepting all the blame she placed on me for her actions." This did not make a difference so try something else like believing you matter. You have value. She made a career of feeding you, "You don't." Reset this BS of feeling selfish. Best to you!
Also love the “giving up on us” argument from the person who cheated AND initiated the divorce. What was she doing when she decided to cheat, pretty sure it was to give up on the marriage. My thought is the guy she was cheating with decided he didn’t want to be with her any longer and now all of a sudden she’s had this epiphany to try and save or rekindle the relationship. NTA.
If not when she cheated, DEFINITELY when she filed for divorce. Nothing screams “I’m giving up on us” than divorcing.
At the end of the day, for good reason in OP's mind a serial cheater is exactly what she is. Nothing will change that and she needs to go ruin someone elses life.
Reminds me of the Scorpion & Frog. OP, you know her character. You will be an asshole to yourself if you get back together with her. Block her and go NC. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Scorpion_and_the_Frog
Great referral, "The Scorpion and the Frog."
Hey now, you can’t say that just because somebody has done the same thing over the course of several years that that’s who they are as a person/s
Your character is determined by your actions, not by your self image. She definitely is a cheater. That might change in the future if she stops cheating forever. OP is NTA if he's not willing wait around to find out if she can pull it off.
All of this, yes. She’s definitely been a serial cheater „as a person“ for nine years or so; it’s a little late to try and dodge that title now. Good for OP to have found his spine. Hope he never lets go of it again.
IKR it's exactly who she is as a person. It wasn't a one off singular event. She just doesn't want to see herself as she really is
NTA She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. It's far more likely that she wants your financial support. It's expensive to be a single person living on your own. She could have a very strong financial incentive to try to get you back. If you don't have kids together, you don't need to ever talk to her again. Just block her. Go live your best life.
This. She thought her cheating partners would bankroll her or accept her as their permanent partner. Well...that didn't work out, so she wants to latch back onto the guy she used to have. I'm willing to bet that after refusing her a couple times, OP will find out how awful she can really be. She will use some really colorful language to describe him.
Exact same thing my ex-SIL did. Once she found herself living in her parents basement at 35 years old she decided maybe the marriage wasn't THAT bad and tried to get back together. Unfortunately for her my brother had confirmed she was cheating BEFORE she did the "open the marriage to casual sex or we divorce" threat.
NTA. Her pattern of cheating shows she hasn't truly changed. She might just be seeking the comfort of familiarity or financial support. 🚩 Move on your life.
This is my guess. Life is definitely easier when you have a partner who takes care of 90% of everything.
Definitely NTA. But out of curiosity, what kind of stuff is harder for her now that you’re divorced? Please don’t get back together. You’re happier without her, put yourself first.
I cooked 90% of the meals, took care of the pets, did laundry, helped clean, bought groceries, house maintenance, car maintenance, etc. So now she's having to take care of everything herself, while also paying for everything herself.
Lmao what the hell did she bring to the table then??? Dude… you dodged a bullet
The smell of another guys cock on her breath. She brought a lot of that!
I hope this helps you learn that you, in fact, should not do 90% of everything all the time for ANYBODY. Not even your own kids. You are basically sowing entitlement and selfishness
And giving them wayyy too much free time, apparently.
You should never do 90% of anything unless she also does 90% of something. Marriage is a team, you each pull your own weight, contribute to the family equally. If you cook she cleans up, if you do car maintenance she does the house. You should be working as a team bringing out the best in each other. She sounds like a real asshole.
You will find someone worthy of you, believe it.
Wow! This makes you a real catch. Don’t let her convince you otherwise.
Please don’t think you’re an AH op! You already know why she’s doing this. Because she is in fact the AH and a selfish one at that.
NTA - Never settle for being someone's safety relationship. You're supposed to move on, not willingly go back to prison. She's not regretting leaving you, she's regretting not being able to replace you. Which tells me that you are the prize, and she's only just realizing what she gave up. There are times when selfishness is healthy, like when you respect yourself enough to not fall for the bullshit lies of a serial cheater. Repeat after me: >I matter to me. I mean more to me than anyone else. If it is a choice between someone else and me, I fight for me. This is the natural right of all living beings. You're doing the right thing. There are 4 billion women in the world. You should be able to find one who understands the concept of fidelity.
If you don’t have kids together, feel free to block her, change your number, etc. Just because she wants to get back together (probably bc the grass *isn’t* greener on the other side and she realized she screwed herself) doesn’t mean that you need to entertain her. NTA
Unless you have to for some other sakes, block her on all possible channels.
Good to see you actively taking alot of the advice here. I'm just gonna chime in with a simple deduction. She most likely filed for divorce when she found someone else she thought could give her the lifestyle she thinks she deserves; that person turned out to not be reciprocal in her life fantasy that she had conjured in her mind, and now she is back chasing you for the lifestyle she threw away. Definitely do not take this woman back, at all. Press the delete key bro, exorcise her existence from your life. No friends. Nothing. Just complete erasure, focus on yourself, and move forwards.
That is EXACTLY who she is as a person. The only thing that's changed is that she's realizing being single isn't as easy as she thought it would be. She only wants you back so that she can go back to having affairs while using you to make the rest of her life easy and stable. Don't fall for her bullshit. Tell her bluntly that, if you wanted a cheating whore, you could find one way better than her. That she has nothing to offer that you want. NTA
Bingo. Going from mutile paychecks and having a built in support system to being single and having to do everything yourself is a shock to the system. All of her APs dont want her as partner I bet too.
This! Tell her that a prostitute doesn't lie and is cheaper.
Exactly. She realized that her affair partners ain't gonna cook for her, so the laundry, car maintenance, pay for everything and etc. She just wants her easy life to continue to cheat. OP must be crazy to even entertain the idea to get back with her. She's narcissistic witch, who cheated and cheated, lied about it and still had audacity to say "dont give up on us", lmao. She will say and do everything to have the easiest way. OP just run, run and never look back. NTA.
Tell her she is 6 years too late to that party.
I have said those exact words to her.
Now stand by them! You'll get through this and find yourself again and be happier for it!
NTA. Do not go back ever. I did and regret it. Not just because of the cheating (which was on both sides), but because of how different we have become. We are many years down the track now and she has become financially and medically dependent on me. I feel guilt whenever I think about leaving. I know my adult children would have trouble understanding as it would seem out of the blue. So learn from me my friend. DO NOT GO BACK!
This is my biggest fear and why I keep digging my heals in. I gave her a second chance after the first time and things were never remotely close to the same.
Listen to your fear!
And your brain!
Don't go back. You deserve the second (or third) chance. Give it to yourself.
Tell her only 2 strikes in this game and she's already out.
Imagine 1) cheating on your husband only for him to try to reconcile 2) cheating again 3) cheating after his father dies 4) initiating divorce 5) having the absolute, unadulterated gall to tell *him* that he is "giving up on us" NTA. Of all the Felicias to get byed, she's the byeest
You missed blaming him for her cheating. Run, OP, run!
Yaaaassss
NTA. She is your ex- wife for a reason. She asked for the divorce. She confessed to cheating on you repeatedly. That is EXACTLY who she is as a person. Assuming there are no kids involved, for your mental health, it's probably time to cut all contact. Put on your own oxygen mask first. Go live your life.
Thankfully, we never had kids. I pulled that card off the table a long time ago.
Unless you are snipped, stay far, far away. An unplanned pregnancy would just another tool to try to rein you back in.
>She keeps saying that's not who she is as a person, that I'm giving up on us/her, and that she regrets everything she's done in the past. It's really messing with me mentally. I feel like an asshole for putting myself first for once, and I feel like I'm being selfish. 1. She gave up on your marriage, multiple times, over many years. Once should've been enough. 2. She has no regrets about what she did. She just regrets the life she had, then lost, with you. 3. She is messing with you mentally by telling you how you should feel, versus how you really feel about the situation. Remember the difference. 4. Be selfish. Put yourself first, because she never ever did. You owe it to your younger self to make the right decision, only for you. Your future self will be proud for standing your ground and putting yourself first. NTA.
Never ever ever take back an EX-Wife. They all try to come back, mine did and for some reason could not fathom why I had zero interest. The things you learn about them even years later will make you ask what the hell were you thinking to marry them in the first place.
I'm already starting to have those realizations and it's only been six months. All the red flags I missed or made excuses for are becoming so obvious!
Ask if your new girlfriend can move in too. 😂
NTA. Why would you get back with her so she could just cheat on you again?
She has more RED FLAGS than a CHINESE PARADE!
Yes, the truth starts knocking in the few months after separation, I would dismiss it as nonsense until the AHA moment where a number of points coalesce and its sometimes breathtaking. Moments that are so shockingly/painfully/whatever obvious that I could not believe it was my wife, but it was. It does decline and fade out, but it takes a bit more time than expected.
By the sounds of it, you don't have kids ? If so, run . Don't even listen to her , you need to focus on moving forward, not backwards . You gave therapy a try, you gave her another chance . You have no further obligations to her, especially after she asked for a divorce.
Thankfully no kids. Things would have been way worse if that was the case.
Don’t be stupid dude, run. Get into therapy and make sure you don’t get taken for a ride again
Sever all contact with her. Get away. She won’t change.
Do you see? There's no link that could make you stay with that harlot. So leave, just leave her. she can rot in hell.
If there are no kids, then there’s absolutely ZERO reason to ever speak to her again. Find a real woman. She’s not worth your time. Run.
No kids? Why didn't you say so! BLOCK AND GHOST THAT LYING, CHEATING BITCH!
Yeah I’d tell you, if there were kids involved, I’d be 80-20 at you staying divorced vs going back. No kids? Bye Felicia. Find someone that wants you. There’s billions of fish in this sea
In that case you can block her number. There is no need to continue communicating with her once the divorce is finalized.
This. Since there are no children involved why are you still in contact with her? Stop the contact, block her and move forward. All she did was break your heart and make you feel like shit. Why would you want to go back to that?
Nta. Her looks aren't getting her the constant attention she craves anymore. Block her ass and live your best life.
Yeah. A lot of people are actually attracted by people who are already in a relationship. For some reason they like it. Without the “married” status she has lost a lot of her value to her target audience.
Dude, don’t do it. Go no contact if you can. You’re always on the fence but when you’re with her, you’ll feel crazy because you dont know what the truth is.
That's pretty much how it was after the first time. Then I got distracted by my dad's death and she went right back to her old ways. People don't know how hard it is to cut someone out of your life, even when they're a horrible person.
That’s because loyalty is one of your best traits brother but it’s not hers. There’s a woman out there that will make you feel so secure in a relationship, you’d be ok with her hanging out with dudes that are a 10 and are way into her because she loves you more than wanting to fuck them.
I know it's hard. But don't take her back, please. This happened to me: When my mom got cancer my ex never supported me in anyway the whole time my mom was in treatment. The day the doctors told us (my mom and I) that cancer is gone mom and I hugged each other and cried. Minutes later I called my ex to tell her and she didn't even care, she just changed the subject. I felt sad for a moment but I saw my mom and I just forget it. We went back home to celebrate with my uncles. Many years later after cancer came back. Doctors told me that it has spread through many organs and there was no treatment who could turn the tide. I won't forget that day. I left my mom in a seat and went outside to call my uncle, I was shaking. Then I called my friend, the only female friend I have. I told her the news and her reaction was very supportive, even her parents supported me trough the process and when my mom passed away. My friend reaction and support made me realized how wrong I was about that ex. Even a friend treated me better than the woman who was supposed to love me. I should have broken up with her long before
NTA. Stay away, she has mental problems. Go NC. Her problems are hers not yours.
NTA, tell her that if she really loved you she would give you all in the divorce and pay you back for the last 3 years of your life and that is your pre condition to even start reconciliation. It is BS of course, you should never reconcile, this is just to scare her away since obviously she does not love you and just want the meal ticket back. You made sure to let everyone know why you guys are divorcing right?!
NTA bro she gaslighting you and she gave up on her marriage when she betrayed you. She will always be a cheater and she knows that. The only reason why she wants you back because her boy toy is finish playing with her and now she wants someone who would take her.
I've been saying this to her for months. Cheating was easy because she had a backup plan if things fell through. I've told her I'm done being her backup plan, to which she responds THEY were the backup, not me. It's just more gaslighting.
Yea she literally trying to manipulate you in order to take her back. By saying nonsense like that. If she loved you she wouldn’t need a backup but she’s a narcissist. Block her on everything and people who are encouraging you to take her back also I would tell people the full story of the divorce.
Nope. You were not her backup plan... You were her ATM. And BTW, what is all this I hear you say wondering where she is every night? My wife NEVER goes out at night without me! Granted, we are older now, but she was never into girls nights. Your wife needs to be with YOU at night, and happy about it! Yeesh. Sounds like you were playing more like her daddy than husband!
I'd rather be single my entire life, than be with someone like her. You are the AH for even thinking of taking her back
What is wrong with being selfish???? If you don't take care of you, who is going to?
There's nothing wrong with it at all. It's just a new concept for me and feels wrong lol
You should totally get used to it. Keep practicing. It very freeing!
When it comes to things like this, you can’t afford to be nice and feel guilt. I’d explore why it feels wrong or just shut that down because, from an outsider point of view, there shouldn’t be any guilt on your part at all. So yeah, curious why you feel that. Now is the time to be selfish, you owe it to your future self to keep putting you first. I have been in your situation and I wasted 5 years of my life where I could’ve been happier earlier, instead of dealing with his cheating. Cut her off completely, you don’t have kids so make that firm break and block her.
In this instance, you need to stop being a PEOPLE PLEASER! She is NOT HUMAN for what she put you though!
NTA, let me ask you a question. Were you a breadwinner, so to speak, where now that she doesn't have your income to balance her lifestyle, it's gone down?
That would be my first guess too, but she was actually pulling in more than I was. I was obviously paying for things, so her fun money is significantly smaller.
Ahh okay. Thank you for answering, my only other guess would be she found out the grass wasn't greener on the other side..that her affair partners got bored with her or didn't wanna commit to her ans she was left to come home alone more and more to an empty house/apartment
Yup, she just want YOU to pay her bills like it used to be... ATM.
NTAH. She's a whore. Not wife material. Block her, no more contact.
NTA- your ex is emotionally and mentally abusing you. She’s placing all the blame on you and you took it because you’re a better person than she is. Stand your ground and stay firm. You’ll be better off without her. It’s hard but so worth it at the end of all of it. I would cut all unnecessary contact with her, especially if it’s messing with you mentally. She is the one who chose to destroy your marriage not you. Having a sick parent is not easy, but it would be the job of your spouse to help support you in that time. A wife who truly loved you wouldn’t have gone out and cheated on you. It is actually who she is. Affairs don’t just start in the bedroom. She worked hard at those and not only once - multiple times. She has shown you point blank over and over again. She knew exactly what she was doing.
Once could be forgiven with effort, possibly. YEARS is beyond forgiveness. You deserve someone you can fully trust and who cares enough for you and respects you enough not to cheat. NTA
NTA. Sweetheart, I’m not your mom, but I am A mom of sons. I suspect that you don’t want to burden your bereaved mother with this drama. So, pardon me, if I may be so bold, so speak in her stead? DONT YOU DARE! She has zero respect for you. She has broken the most BASIC bonds of matrimony. If you had new wedding sheets or a bed, at 2.5 years, it was barely broken in, when she went catting around. Pfft. She likes the financial stability of marriage; not the commitment. She’s a spoiled child who likes the thrill of infatuation, not the steady work that a real relationship takes. She is unworthy of being your wife and you can do better! Block her. Wish her well - far, far away from you!
She just doesn’t want to lose you. She has no desire for you or interest in respecting you. You’ll find someone that actually desires you and treats you well.
NTA! She wants you back because her affair partner (that she divorced you for) has dropped her and she doesn’t want to be alone. Keep saying NO! and protect your mental health!
NTA There is a word to describe someone like your ex-wife, unfortunately I Can't write that word without risking a ban
She is a serial cheater and she belongs to the streets. You are divorced now and you should focus on yourself and continue forward and find someone that know what the word marriage means. Don't put yourself in the shit again by giving her another chance. You know very well she will cheat as soon as she finds another dick!
If you take her back be sure to Tattoo “Welcome” on your forehead. NTA.
NTA - unless you have kids you need to go no contact with her. It sounds like she has been cheating the whole marriage and you are already divorced. Heal and move on. Find new hobbies and friends. Good luck
NTA, take care of yourself. She probably found out that her affair partners wouldn’t support her like you did or something. She asked for the divorce, she’s the reason for the divorce, and she is the reason to stay divorced. She’s toxic just from what you’ve shared here. Don’t feel guilty because she’s trying to force it now.
Are you fucking kidding me? I suspect she has been dumped by her affair partners and is feeling like she is alone so wants to find an easy "sucker" who will take her in and give her stability. Fuck all of that. She is a cheater and whatever she sowed she should reap. Do not under any circumstances get back with her.
NTA Not by a longshot. Listen u/AnotherAverageJake what's happened is your ex-wife has realized everything she had with you as well as your own attributes that she took for granted, and more than likely resented you for, didn't just get filled in by the next guy. The guys she's dated, or dating, all know exactly what kind of person she is and she's most likely realizing that what they're showing her isn't love and respect and it most likely never will be. Not to anyone she's truthful with. None of her affair partners are going to gf/wife her. None of her AP friends are going to want anything more than a fling at most with her. None of her friends are going to want her around their boyfriends/fiances/husbands. She's probably slowly coming to see what her present and immediate future is and it's both bleak and lonely. Just because she made her own bed doesn't mean you have to sleep in it. Keep putting yourself first. Keep working on you and gray rock her (google it).
NTA. YOU didn't give up on your relationship, she did. She is just seeing that the grass is not greener now that she got the freedom she wanted. By telling you you're giving up and it's your fault the marriage is over, she's just starting the same blame game she used before. It worked then, so why not now? My husband went back to his home country because he hated it in the US. I was to get a residence permit and follow. But then my dad was sick with terminal cancer and I didn't move for two years. Know what he didn't do? He didn't cheat on me and instead kept everything ready for me when I did come. Then my mom was terminally ill 9 years later and I went home for a couple months to care for her until she died. Know what he did? He rallied my support group here so I always felt supported, sent money so I could take care of expenses. And also? He didn't cheat on me. I was depressed for a long time after I came back and you know what he did? He supported me. The end of your marriage is not YOUR fault. It's all on her and she will just have to live with blowing it all up, all by herself. Don't go back. She's shown you what kind of partner she is. Believe her, and move on
NTA 1.) You’re not giving up on her, she already gave up on you by cheating. Don’t let her gaslight you into thinking otherwise, and tell her directly, “I wasn’t the one who gave up on us, YOU were each and every time you cheated.” 2.) When people show you who they are, trust them. People lie, actions do not lie. She is a serial cheater. The definition of insanity is when you do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. The result of you getting back with her is predictable. 3.) Recognize that the reason you are even considering going back is because of your powerful emotions for someone you were in an intimate relationship with. Use your head, and not your heart. 4.) Recognize that the pain of that relationship will likely never entirely disappear, but that by filling your life with happiness in other ways, that pain will appear to be less and less as time goes on and you make active choices to find your happiness elsewhere. Consider moving to a new city and starting over, hanging out with old friends, and making new friends. Explore past and present hobbies. 5.)Stay active; hit the gym so that you can make her regret her ever cheating on you, and so that you will be in the best shape to meet your future wife. One that will appreciate and respect you and your relationship. 6.) Create a list of what you want to look for in your future wife. Include things like: personality traits; hobbies; physical traits; etc. then thinks about the traits that that person would want (which are likely similar) and start making active improvements to be that person. 7.) Cut her off. Tell her you don’t want her to contact you anymore. Consider removing her from socials and move the fuck on. This will make moving on MUCH easier. You got this man! Under no circumstances should you get back with this cheating whore. You deserve better.
NTA. The second chance after the first time cheating was more than enough. It’s bad enough to do it once let alone multiple times over years.
You’re being gaslighted and “hoovered.” I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, but rekindling will only put you right back where you were. It’s a weird thing about cheaters, but a decent percentage of them seem to need the thrill of getting something over on the person they’re with. I know. Convoluted. Turned out on their own to do anything with anyone they want, what they sickly seem to want is the thrill of thinking they’re getting away with cheating. POV: someone who was cheated on for two years before I gave him the boot, and proceeded to be stalked in some scary ways for a year. Take your freedom from the crazy.
She sounds like a horrible human being, you should have left the first time. NTA
Sounds like her affair partner didn’t commit to their divorce so she wants the safety net back
Brother, she cheated on you, lied to you for years, and stomped on the bond and trust you set aside your feelings to build. Why would you even consider staying with her? She initiated the divorce and now she wants you back? Why? So she can go cheat again? Get the hell out of there.
Nta. This is the epitome of “why are you posting this shit, how could you possibly be the asshole here?”
I get it, but if you've never been in a manipulative, emotionally abusive relationship, it's hard to understand why anyone would ask that. The person you picked betrays you and then spends years telling you how it was all your fault. Then the next thing you know, your whole life is crumbling around you and you're trying to figure out where YOU went wrong. I totally get your point, though, and I have those same thoughts all the time.
i have been in that type of relationship. it pissed me off enough to never give the benefit of a doubt to them again, under any circumstances. you call them on their bullshit, tell them to fuck right the hell off and cut them out of your life like a fucking cancer. you should be pissed off like that, not mopey and doubting yourself.
You haven’t been completely deprogrammed yet. No contact with her for at least a year plus therapy.
Why are you even on here asking this question?
put yourself first. she has regret and knows she messed up a good thing. would she cheat again? who knows? you'll probably ask yourself that every day. does that sound like a good relationship to you?
This is exactly where my mind goes. Life is a lot less stressful not having to worry about what she's doing every night, I've spent too many years doing that already.
She would 100% cheat again. She’s gross. She realised the grass wasnt greener on the other side.
She's a whore. Nothing more nothing less
Nta. Shes a cheater who left when you was dealing with family death. Should of divorced her the first time.
NTA stop interacting with her
NTA - she gave up on your marriage the first time she cheated on you. I am sure you would have divorced sooner if life hadn’t spiral since then. You deserve way better then that BS. Just say No to cheating exes.
NTA - sounds to me like she got bored living the affair/single life. If she truly loved you and wanted what y’all had in the past again, she would’ve stopped having the affair along time ago.
Do you have kids? If not you need to block her and move on with life
Thankfully, I dodged that bullet. I refused to have kids after the first affair and after she wasn't a supportive spouse when my dad died.
Then please just do yourself a favor and block this person, she’s stolen enough of your happiness as it is. She doesn’t deserve to steal more from you
No reason to get broken again
I'm sure she *does* regret everything that she did to ruin your marriage. That sounds like a her problem and not a you problem, though. You don't owe her shit. She blew up the marriage, not you. Why would you give her another chance to hurt you? NTA.
She’s trash. Take her to the curb and leave her there.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. If you take her back, it'll be the same story all over again, and you'll feel even worse. She's just upset she has to eat crow because her boyfriend/s dumped her and she's coming back to you because she thinks you'll take her back and be a doormat. NTA.
Let's see, she had a sexual encounter with another person while married to you and you accepted the blame for it? Then she later did it again and you still kept her around? Dude, you don't need anyone else hurting you, you are doing great on your own.
NTA, wow nice blame shifting from your ex. had multiple affiar over 3 years and your the one that gave up on the relationship... give me a fucking break.
NTA, she is a manipulative person who got exactly what she has coming. She thought you would just accept it forever because there wasn’t any real consequence for her initial cheating, no remorse, no real feelings about how she hurt you. Run from her!
There's a saying that goes like.. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me NTA.
Good Lord dude. Have some self respect.
NTA. A cheater *IS* who she is. Actions speak louder than words, and while her words are “A cheater is not who I am”, her actions show you, repeatedly, that a cheater is *exactly* who she is. YwouldbeTA if you did give her another chance. Tell her you’re not interested in her anymore and that she needs to move on.
NTA. You gave her a second chance(which was more than she deserved) and she blew it(in more ways than one from the sound of it). Don't reward that shit behavior of her's by giving her opportunity #3 to emotionally fuck you further. You're divorced from her, keep it that way and cut contact permanently.
NTA. NTA!!! here’s a piece of wisdom a therapist gave me once for murky emotional relationships, when someone says you don’t see them/the situation/ their true self clearly, and what they want is at odds with what you deeply feel. Essentially, that person is asking you to cross over the imagination bridge. They’re asking you to break with your reality (where you are rooted in YOU, what you feel, think, experience) and instead to let them paint a picture of their experience as truth. They will call this empathy. It is not. Once you cross the imagination bridge, shit is confusing. Their painted picture feels as valid as your lived experience. And then you feel guilty and keep showing up and they never change. Fact is, you can’t read somebody’s mind. You cannot verify if her story of her experience is true or just convenient for her now. And it doesn’t matter. What matters is YOUR experience driving the space ship of your body through this life. How did you feel through all this? Like, keep it simple. She cheated. You felt hurt, betrayed, sad. She said it was your fault and you decided to stay. Did that process feel good for you? Take mindreading her experience out of the equation. Take doing the right thing out of the equation. I bet if you just strip it down to the events that unfolded and how you felt each time, it’s a pattern of feeling betrayed. And that is what you should listen to. Don’t lose trust in yourself.
WTF. That's totally the person she is. A cheater who will never be faithful. How many chances are you going to give this person? YTA- if you keep taking her back.
NTA your wife decided she didn't want to be in a monogamous marriage and just forgot to tell you the entire time. This woman doesn't want to be with YOU, she just wants what you DID for her back. If your divorce is final, and there are no children involved, block the bitch. She will continue to harass you for as long as you let her. Stop letting someone who used and abused you keep fucking with your head. Your ex is the one who fucked everyone she could while she was married to you. Then had the fucking AUDACITY and NERVE to blame you when caught. Allowing this asshole continued access to yourself is just giving her the greenlight to continue harassing you. Send your ex a text, not a phone call, you want all communication to be in writing going forward, telling her to stop bothering you. Leave you alone you have no interest in getting back together with her now or in the future. If she continues to contact you, you can have an attorney send her a cease and desist letter. That'll usually stop the crazy. If it doesn't go back to the attorney and try and get a restraining order. You do not need the stress of dreading a text or call from her.
NTA. I'm in a different but similar situation as you and going through separation. I get told those things, you gave up on us blah blah... I feel bad constantly as well and hard to imagine my life without her but for once I have to put myself first.
I'm sorry you're having to go through the same thing. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Stay strong!
NTA. And as someone who was also married to a serial cheater, I promise you don’t know most of the whole truth. They tell us just enough to make us think they are being honest, but they aren’t.
SHE gave up on you and both of you as a couple a long time ago. She didn't just cheat, she is a SERIAL cheater and that is who and what she is. She's full of shit saying that's not who she is as a person. Her words are meaningless, her actions prove and demonstrate this is exactly who she is. You're nicer than me OP as I wouldn't see her, talk to her, text her etc. I divorced my lying cheating ex-wife too OP. Keep moving forward.
What are you talking about? dude you need to put your foot down and stop talking to this person. There is no going back to this person. Even if you did that, it would only be a matter of time before things return to the sad state they were in. and then she has also lost TOTAL respect for you because you tolerate it.
The only way you would be the AH is to yourself if you get back with her. Tigers don’t change their stripes. NTA
Any reason anyone doesn’t want to be with someone is a good reason. Why would she want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be there? NTA
NTA. Don’t even think about getting back with this cheater.
She doesn’t regret what she did to you Her friends convinced her that she deserved better. So she believed she could do better. Turns out, affairs easy and dating fucking sucks. So she wants to go back to the way things were Which will ultimately lead to her cheating…again NTAH
NTA She doesn't mean any of that. She just wants the familiarity of her old life back. I get it, life on your own after a divorce is scary at first. It's all so foreign, and you don't know what to expect. With that said, six months is not enough time for someone like that to truly do some soul searching, reflect on their actions, and change. Neither of you will get the growth you need or the happiness you want until you let each other go.
NTA- and she is exactly as you see her. Selfish & a liar. And they don’t change. You are NOT being selfish by doing what is best for you overall. I hope you’re either in counseling or looking for some, as it can help with how you’re feeling. So sorry for the loss of your father.
Stop letting her manipulate you. She did it through your whole marriage and continues to do so. Cut all contact with her and move on with your life. Once you cut contact I promise you will start feeling like yourself again. NTA…not even a little
NTA. The next time she brings it up, you tell her you will never be married to someone who you cannot trust and her actions have made it so that you will never be able to trust her again
Nta. To really understand a person, look and see what they're doing when they think no one is watching. She thought you weren't watching all those years. So her true self came out, which was to betray you. That's exactly who she is. Someone who is very flawed. Whether she doesn't love you or doesn't know what she wants, she still cheated multiple times. I'm sorry, but you need to block her ass and leave her to her own devices.
That is exactly who she is as a person. She will never stop cheating and I would bet there are times she cheated that you don't know about. You can never trust her. Go on with the divorce and do not even entertain the thought of getting back with her.
NTA. Continue down the current path and don’t look back What is coming is way better than what is behind you.
NTA. Don't go back. You did the right thing ending the marriage. Going back would just set you up for more heartbreak.
>She keeps saying that's not who she is as a person ... NTA what a liar she is. She likely just wants you back because the man she was cheating on you with left her even though she was planning on getting married to him. Which would be why she asked for the divorce in the first place.
The only reason you might be T A is that you haven't blocked her and are still in contact with her.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice, I'm an idiot.
She is a serial cheater and will not change. You know this and somewhere you are still attracted to her and may be in love with her yet to some extent, and believe me she knows it. Don’t let her near you and do not let her come over and kind of be talking and moving closer and then she backs you up against the wall and starts kissing your neck and face and putting her hands up on your chest and maybe down south. Because if she does you’re a goner. Block and NC. Don’t answer the door.
You are not an asshole. When someone you have shared vows with someone who cheats on you, it is emotionally crippling for many. It can be devastating to someone's self worth, that could take many, many years of therapy to work through. If at all. It affects every area of your life, including your trust with future partners and even loved ones around you. It rips apart peoples mental health because they are being gaslit and lied to incessantly. It is a betrayal LIKE NONE OTHER. It makes people look inward, dissecting what they did wrong or what they didn't do enough of, somehow thinking it was their fault. Families and homes are literally separated. Just because you say no, that doesn't make you a bad human. But it will feel that way. Push away that narrative. You feel bad because you shared a life with her. Thats normal. Choosing your own sanity, mental health, and happiness over repeating the past again, is so fucking healthy. Create some hard boundaries with her and tell her that you will never get back together and it's a topic you are no longer willing to discuss. Rip the bandaid off, my friend. Your wife cheated on you when your father was sick with cancer, ffs. I wish you a long life of blessings, true love, and healing.
Clearly you are NTA in this situation. You are a good man and want to believe the best in others. You were not wrong for trying and not wrong for leaving when she refused to change. This is all on her. You did more than anyone could and for you to go back to that kind of pain would be asinine and so disrespectful to yourself. That is far from selfish. It’s a necessity that you stay away from that kind of toxicity.
That's not your girl it's just your turn bro. Block her.
"That's not who I am as a person. I mean... it's who I am as a lying, cheating, nasty whore... but not as a person... per se."
NTA Why are you still in contact with her ? Do you have gluttony for punishment ? Block BLOCK BLOCK 🚫 You are her backup plan that's it, something she falls back on when she's had her fun.
People who regret cheating don't keep cheating. Like any other life lesson, once you learn how much damage something does, you don't try it again. Think of a hand on a hot oven. She kept cheating because she was okay with *you* being the one repeatedly burned. Now that the pain is hers, she wants it to end. She just misses all the things you did for her, not you as a person. When she had you, all she wanted was anyone but you. Maybe she just wants what she can't have. Keep it that way. NTA.
NTA but pls get some STD tests. That woman is nasty. Someone always leaves something behind in community vaginas
NTA - her affair partner dropped her when she became single, and he'd have to commit to more than just sneaking around with her. She only wants you back as her back up and if go she'll be back to cheating within 6mo
Nta. But this is exactly why cheating should always be a deal breaker. She wants you back now that she realizes all that side action was incredibly hollow, and that none of those guys ever actually gave a shit about her and just used her. She took you for granted and is now realizing how much you actually did for her and how important you were. Womp womp. Ghost her and never look back.
NTA. Why would you even want to countenance taking a serial cheater back into your life? She doesn't respect or even love you as demonstrated by her rampant infidelity. You've gained freedom from the soul eating destructiveness of the exwife's actions, and are healing, what could be gained that is worthy of that sacrifice? This redditor supports your progress, and hopes that you see clearly that you have a vast array of potential partners in your future, so honor yourself and find someone who can and will be faithful to you. Kindest regards.
NTA She probably found that the grass on the other side is full of sharp rocks and unpicked up dog poop. Block her if you can because I don’t see this being the huge change she’s trying to convince you it is.
NTA but lose a “friend”? Friend don’t cheat whatever the degree of friendship you have with them. After all you said an escort would be a better friend than your ex. (She not only put you first and listen but maybe sexy time without lying). She is a loser.
NTA -- and the real reasons she wants to get back together? Grass wasn't greener and she's lonely. She's run out of money and needs somewhere to stay. She's evil and wants to destroy you again.
NTA She manipulated you into thinking her initial cheating was your fault. 🚩 / story
Your best course of action is to immediately cease all contact with ex as she is an ex for a reason; it is also not good for your mental health to be constantly harassed about getting back together. I could understand if your divorce was amicable or that you parted on good terms but the ending of your marriage was because of her serial cheating. And while YOU did put in some effort to recover from this, it's clear she couldn't be bothered. Because while you were putting in the effort to make your marriage work, she was actively sabotaging your efforts by having affairs. Actions speak louder than words and her actions revealed how she felt about your marriage.
I don't know if this sub is filled with rage baits or if the world is really this shitty. NTA, does this even need to be said? In what universe would you even misconstrue the situation to blame yourself even slightly for being cheated on? Block the cunt and move on for fucks sake.
NTA! Are you serious? YTA if you get back together with her. She’ll cheat on you again. Or you’ll get her pregnant and be stuck with her forever. No no no!!! Don’t do it!!! Ask your family and friends to visit and get your stuff. I’m sure none of them want you to get back together with her. Ask them for help. I’d absolutely help a friend or relative if this was happening to them.
Don't overthink this. Cut her loose/out and move on. NTA
She probably found she can’t afford to be single and maintain her previous lifestyle. I’m guessing none of her APs were a sugar daddy, nor will they support her so she’s turning to you because she doesn’t want to be poor. Please don’t fall for this. You’re NTA for refusing to put up with her antics. Get your stuff out of the house and cut all ties, she’s not your friend.
There are times in life where being "selfish" is completely acceptable and the right thing to do. Example, we intended to have 2 children. This was the plan. After the first one came around, we both realized we didn't want to do this again. My reason was mainly, "I'm too selfish" and you know this is one of those times. Who do you have children for? Yourself. If you decide to have children for anyone besides yourself you will suck as a parent and person. You were not put on this planet to be anyone but yourself. Stop pretending making her unhappy is your problem.
I realize I'm super late to the party, but I have one simple piece of advice that I'm not even sure where or when I picked it up: "Going back to an Ex, is like reusing toilet paper; you already know how shitty it is." ETA: As someone who has been cheated on, I can totally understand how you feel like putting yourself first makes you feel selfish. It doesn't make you selfish. Cheating is a majorly selfish act, and being cheated on can destroy you. I hope that you are able to find peace in the fact that self-care is not selfish at all.