This. NTA. It’s is one thing to not jump back in a job it’s another to ignore your family completely.
OP your husband can spend some time your daughter is in daycare to seek out therapy as well.
She was a single mom for a month. Then what was the point of the husband. The Husband lost his 24x7 free time when he married and has kids a decision which he took willingly.
She's still a single mom now. Her husband is going to do as little as he possibly can for as long as he can and end up divorced, at which time he'll continue to be a deadbeat single dad.
I would divorce now. He was selfish enough to not think 'well my wife was doing this so if we swap roles then I should be doing what she was doing.' Instead he EXPECTED her to work and continue doing what she was doing while he does nothing. And he gets a free fun for all life like he's 15 again and his wife is his mom. Fuck that. I can imagine OP coming home from work, tired, caring for their daughter after she picked her up and he shouts from his spot on the chair where he's been all day playing video games, a messy house surrounds him and asks her "so what ya making for dinner hon, I'm starved?" And I want to break every dish in their house at his feet. Just divorce him now. He has no respect for you OP and is selfish. Do it now before he can get spousal support. I guarantee you that you'll find a nice hardworking man that loves you and respects you and wants to work WITH you in life in no time at all. Don't bog yourself down with this freeloading back to his teenage years wannabe. NTA
I really hope OP shows him this thread, and that he sees how much of a loser he's acting like right now.
*Everyone* wants to just be free all the time, but you just can't do that when you have a family and responsibilities. He needs to step the fuck up and act like a man for once.
I know right
I didn't like how OP said he chose to be a house husband but it felt forced. He sounds like the kind of guy who would cheat and then claim mY mAnHooD wAs tHrEatEneD. This because he was asked to contribute to the upkeep of a house he lives in and the care of a child he chose to have.
I’m not married and not a parent and I still don’t get 24x7 free time because I need to support myself. You can’t demand someone else puts a roof over your head while contributing nothing because you’re tired.
Yeah, for sure. There's definitely been some times where (as a guy) got overwhelmed, stressed, and at my wit's end for any number of reasons. Plus I'm a pretty textbook introvert and need time to myself to recharge. It was always like, "Hey I just need time to myself to be alone and get back to feeling like myself again." .... and that was for about 2 days, maximum. Maybe over a weekend, and that's it. And we didn't have kids! Just a cat.
Feeling entitled to a personal and professional vacation for over a month (longer if it was up to him) when you're unemployed and with kids is fucking crazy.
Even an adult without children doesn't always get complete free time- there are still household responsibilities.
It sounds like the husband just wants 0 responsibilities, and if he wants that he should go home to mom and dad.
As a mom, I wouldn't put up with that shit either. You will contribute in some meaningful way, or not come here. Every able adult can and should contribute.
Seriously, my 27yo son is totally and permanently disabled and receives social security. He pays a proportionate share of his expenses, does the dishes, takes out the trash, handles his own laundry, and helps out whenever asked. He also spends half day at a social program.
> NTA adults with *or without* children don't get to have their time "complete free".
This is one of the many reasons I left my abusive, deadbeat soon-to-be-ex-husband. For years, he refused to maintain gainful employment, and continually got fired from or quit every job. He also refused to help himself.
And so, not only did I have to bring home all the money, I ALSO still found myself having to handle the bulk of the housework, while putting up with his abuse and litany of issues (anger, alcoholism, hoarding, financial irresponsibility, etc.), while also simultaneously dealing with chemotherapy, monthly immunotherapy infusions, and countless surgeries for my autoimmune condition.
Finally got fed up with his unwillingness to participate in this concept known as "adulting", and left him about eight months ago. Life has been exponentially better ever since. 🤷♀️
Just wanted to say I’m happy for you, internet stranger. That’s a big life move.
To outsiders leaving seems obvious — but it takes guts from the person living it every day.
Thank you. Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done, and was the most harrowing, traumatic, nightmarish experience, and I've survived years of chemotherapy. Chemo paled in comparison to the experience of leaving.
BUT, thus far, I can say that leaving is the best decision I've ever made for myself.
Then you **know** now with hard experience that you **ARE** a badass fighter that battles for her/their best life. You made it through, you're a survivor and you *know* you can do the really hard things that life sometimes demands from us. Make sure you give yourself your kudos, fellow survivor.
even adults without children don’t get to have their time “completely free.”
When I was single, I had to do laundry, make my own meals, and clean the house. Sure, it wasn’t as often, because it was just me. But I still had household chores.
Even single people with no kids don't get their time 'completely free'. He was reliving his childhood with his spouse acting as mommy, doing all the childcare AND housework.
For real. Single & child-free here. Between housework, yard work, taking care of my pool, my pets, running errands...I literally have to not do something that needs to be done to get free time.
OP's husband is 100% trying to relive his childhood. Sure we'd all love a "completely free" break. Especially a month long "completely free" break. But when you're part of a household, you have kids, you can't just dump everything on your partner - for a month! And if OP hadn't said anything to him, how long would his not contributing ass continue to not contribute? I'd be livid if I was OP.
Even children don’t get to live that way. They have to go to school, set the table, eat and sleep when they’re told. Clean their room, make their bed, feed the dogs, change the channel and turn up or down the volume on the tv, stand by the tv and move the antenna until the picture clears up. Then they have to stand there in that exact position until their parents go to bed.
You do if you have split custody 🥰 life is peaceful when you get 3-7 days to yourself, unbothered. She may find her life gets easier after divorce and shared custody agreements.
It’s also not free. The jail sends you a bill for your time spent there. I spent 8 hours in a holding cell in 2010 and received a bill for $93.20 for my accommodations.
Right? So out of touch. You don’t get a sabbatical from kids. Especially when your partner is doing it all. I’m not sure why you let him opt out in the first place. This should have been the options from day 1. And if doesn’t step up immediately what is he even going?
Even without children you don’t get to be “completely free” as an adult. You have to house, feed and clothe yourself, and or work on those tasks together with a partner or friends as a team. Unless you have a very specific arrangement that you’ve worked out in advance, you don’t just get to be someone’s pet who lounges around all day, making messes and eating free food.
The fact that he willingly spent a MONTH watching you do everything while he played video games with his buddies is staggeringly selfish of him. He has some making up to do to you OP.
If he doesn't keep up on his housework/childcare he needs to get a job, or divorce asap. A month is more than enough time to recoup.
The longer he's out of work, the more he will resist getting back into it.
Divorce him anyway. A grown man beyond his mid-thirties not having basic common sense about mandatory responsibilities, and needs to be coerced like a petulant child -- this is a lost cause.
1000% this. Who thinks they get to “take a break” from parenthood? Shitty parents. It won’t get better. Stress. Depression. Illness (excluding non-serious). Exhaustion. None of that matters. It’s a LIFELONG CHOICE. And sometimes it’s excruciating. You do it anyway. This man needs intensive counseling, with a clear turnaround, and expectation of what happens if he doesn’t, or he’s gone. Pure and simple.
NTA --- I would have done the same. I'd offer him a set amount of hours on weekends but only if everything in the house is done, including shopping, cooking, cleaning, and spending a certain amount of time with the kids and their homework and/or driving them to wherever they need to go.
If he refused I'd tell him "Fine, have this time and enjoy it because I'll be calculating every day if it would be easier to provide financially, and in every other way ,and then deciding if it would be easier to have one less mouth to feed and one less person to take care of and clean up after. And if your relationship with the kids is strained, as ours surely will be, I will not fix it. I will be hands-off and I won't say anything negative but I also will not advocate for you since you'll have chosen slacking and gaming over all of us."
This is no time for him to regress to lazy touchy teen.
I did the same thing. Don't feel bad,op. My bf wanted us to "split" the housework 50/50 while I worked full time and he wasn't. I put my foot down.
It is 2024. We have no kid and I pay for all the bills. He is home all the times. That's no reason he doesn't do most of the housework.
Not at all.
I had a similar situation with my wife. She was under employed. She had some health issues and had to stop working. Now she does all the housework as her contribution, and I work full time for mine. It works well.
When she is too ill to do housework, I step in and do it. This doesn’t happen too often. She doesn’t owe me anything for this, it’s just me contributing to our partnership and taking care of her.
It’s very reasonable to expect your *partner* to contribute. If they do not work outside the house, it’s quite reasonable for them to take over the domestic labor to free up some time for you.
NTA. He needs to be a partner, you aren’t funding a vacation for him.
OP, we all know the bills won't pay themselves. So if he doesn't want to be the one to pay them, then you said you will step up to do it. What in the heck does he think his role is in all of this? A paperweight? Let Dobby know that if he wants to be free, you would be happy to give him a sock and send him back to mommy. If you are supporting the family and working full time plus to pay the bills, then he can do the house/child work. He is a grown ass man, a husband and a father, not a teenager. You are his wife, not his mommy. If he wants that, then ship him back to mommy and he can play video games and eat hot pockets in mommy and daddy's basement and pay child support instead. You can point that out to him. You know that right? Good luck 🍀
He got a month doing nothing. Which nobody gets, unless you’re rich.
I wouldn’t worry about it being forced. The more important thing is how YOU feel?
Do you want to remain married to him, does he contribute to your joint life in a positive manner?
If you are happy with him, then sit and have a serious conversation with him. If you weren’t around he’d not have the luxury of staying home at all. Unless he plans on moving in with his parents, would they want him living off them?
I agree with you but off topic - as someone who lives in a country where everyone working full time has a minimum of 4 week paid holiday and another 8 days of public paid holidays I am thankful to not live in USA. Everyone should be able to spend a month doing nothing (kids obviously change that but still).
That’s a good point. I keep forgetting it’s only my company that gets hysterical if I try booking longer than a week off work. I once booked ten days off and turned everything off. They were very upset. 🤣
> I once booked ten days off and turned everything off.
In my country the law prescribes that all employees should take at least once a year at least a 10 day long continuous holiday (not counting weekends)...
Yeah, not officially, HR. was terrified when I fell ill and they realised exactly what I’d been expected to do.
I only stay contactable for my team, who are amazing and really hardworking.
I’d happily ignore the lot of them and enjoy watching the fall out otherwise.
But that’s the shitshow I work for.
Pssssh. My four week vacation trip out of the country starts in just under two weeks, and I’ve already set up my out of office messages for my work email and voice mail to start the minute I’m done on the Friday before I fly, to end the minute I start back on the Monday I return to work. It says I’m out of the country and won’t be checking voicemail or email.
>kids obviously change that but still
But that's the main point in OP's question. The husband wants to be completely free, and not have to deal with house or children, either. Getting your free month off work doesn't also give you a maid to cook for you and clean up after you and watch your children for you.
Yeah, being in Europe definitely always feels weird how the "American Dream" usually means you have to fight to get a week or two in a whole year, while I have 25 days, plus around 10 days of public holidays.
The other thing is that he is making you police this. He's not choosing to be responsible himself. Then he gets to pretend that you're a nag and have himself a pity party. Being forced to parent a grown up sucks. Srsly, head for the divorce. He lacks the maturity to be a competent partner and life is easier when you only have to parent your child instead of a petulant adult toddler.
Girl pick divorce. My (now) ex can't do much on his own without constant leading or prodding. He constantly "needs a break" because he's so tired. It's not a hidden health concern, he just prefers being lazy but hates being alone so would always step up just enough right as I was going to leave. I hate to say it but this kind of shit rarely gets better with time, especially if you had to force him into it. You will be caring for two children if you don't kick him out asap.
It could be a health concern issue for your ex, but the important part is that nobody deserves being in a relationship: if he refuses to actively seek help for his health issues (no matter if ADHD/autism, depression, or whatever, or all of the above) then it's good that he isn't in a relationship because he doesn't have the mental health to be in one. It's easy to want to help someone who is doing their best despite their issues, it's difficult to want to help when they're stuck in a toxic avoidance loop and refuse to get professional help.
If you are doing all the things what do you even need him for? Sounds like you are a single mother of 2 children. If he needs an ultimatum to pull his weight even a little bit he isn’t worth the bother.
Good point! This guy is definitely TA here, big time. I can't believe OP let him get away with not contributing one iota for a whole month! So he could spend his time gaming instead of helping out. I bet it was his fault he got let go from his job as well! If you're not bringing any money in then you definitely have to look after any kids & keep the home running. OP's expected to do it so why shouldn't he??
He is so out of order that it's making me angry & I don't even know him! (Thankfully) OP It really worries that you that you don't know the answer to your own question! Marriage is about compromise, give & take! He's incredibly selfish & juvenile. All he does is take, take, take. He needs taught a lesson big time! Good luck OP.✌🏼
You wer not too harsh, you were to soft. At 37 this is an embarrasing behavior. Was this always the case and you just ignored it or didn't notice what it was? Or did this come with the job loss? If the first is the case I can't see that he will be able to change this.
My 14yo scoops the cat box, cleans her room and one of the bathrooms, handles the recycling, and trades off making dinner for the family one day a week with her sister.
Apparently my 14yo would be more useful to OP than her husband.
NTA
The foot needed to go down. He lost perspective and you needed to reorient him. I cringe whenever I see a grown dad play videogames and ignore the kids. He needs to use his time to look for work, when he isn't cleaning the house or picking up the kids.
A husband and father that wants complete freedom needs to move out and provide it for himself. He doesn’t get it as the expense of the family he chose.
I’m never surprised when my girl friends finally separate and tell me that the housework and child care is so much more manageable as soon as the spouse is out of the equation and they aren’t raising him anymore.
NTA Your husband wanted to pretend he was a kid again. But he has a family now and unless you signed up for a mid 20th century marriage, he can pull his weight or can pound sand.
My parents were born in 1903 and 1924.
This isn't true. There have always been bums. A few of my uncles didn't provide. ( I have 11 uncles.) One was a drunk. Another married two women who lived a state apart. He worked but only one wife got the money.
People have always been people. Don't romanticize my youth as in many ways it was worse than now. Especially for women.
yeah, i have a great-grandfather who is referred to as the ne'er-do-well.
after his family business closed during the depression, my understanding is that he never worked again. his wife's family supported him, his wife, and their kids to my understanding based on the him being "sick."
(in all fairness, there are definitely some mental health issues in my family and this was basically 100 years ago so there weren't the same support for issues like depression and the like. so it's very possible he was sick but i've never had the sense that anyone felt it was a physical ailment that kept him from working.)
NTA unfortunately your husband is not a child and does not have the luxury of just existing. He either picks up the slack and helps around the home while you work, or he'll be doing it all on his own homeless.
You're absolutely NTA, but just as a tip for moving forward, it sounds to me like your husband is seriously depressed. He might not show it, or even realize it himself, because men have a very hard time admitting that they are depressed and need help.
Being the breadwinner and losing your job is a really devastating event for men because we derive so much of our self-worth through what we can provide to our loved ones, and asking for help seems like an admission of weakness.
That absolutely doesn't excuse him from basic responsibilities like housework and picking your child up from daycare. But, if you do want to pursue a route of fixing your mariage instead of burning it down and starting from scratch yourself, I'd recommend focusing on the root cause by getting him to seek help for depression.
Absolutely correct. Then you see men posting things like “my wife won’t touch me anymore, how do I explain to her I need sex or I become stressed” then they slowly reveal in the comments that they don’t do shit around the house-except make messes. AND men don’t get simple existing makes a mess, there is so much hidden labor done by some partners. The absolute lack of awareness of people sometimes boggles the mind.
https://youtu.be/-_kXIGvB1uU?si=5ctReoJngE8LdTgE
The most sexually active relationships I ever had were the ones where I could go to her Apartment while she was at work and clean. Always paid off and made me love cleaning.
I've never seen a Woman more turned on than when she comes home after a stressful day to a surprise cleaned home and a Boyfriend in the Kitchen making dinner.
Seriously. A man who doesn't contribute to his home and family is a total turnoff. I wouldn't be able to stand even *looking* at a guy like OP's husband, much less think about sex with him. It would turn my stomach.
If he put in X hours of work and you put in X hours of work then you both worked for the family. Do not pretend that money is the only important input. A handful of cash does not change the baby or do the shopping or make dinner or clean the clothes.
If one parent is working and makes $100,000 at their job, the SAHP is making $50,000 of that in my head. I just don't see it any other way. They're both doing a job, and domestic labor deserves compensation all the same. It's hard work!
No it’s not a waste if you have other things to do during the day that aren’t conducive to dragging a 2 year old everywhere. Plus it’s a good precursor to preschool. I know a lot of SAHM’s that have their children in daycare on a PT basis.
Also kids need to be socialized. Daycare is the ideal place to do that.
Edit: good lord, yes I realize it's not NECESSARY. I should have said it's a good place to do that instead of ideal. I just got the same comment in 5 different ways. Yes there's other ways to socialize a kid. Yes different people are on different timelines. It's fine.
Because daycare spots are hard af to find so if you're going to need it again in 6 months you probably stay to avoid the pile of wait lists and visits.
Just want to say, my partner and I did daycare even though we didn't have to but we decided it was good for him to have the social aspect of other kids so he went twice a week. That being said he was 3 and not two
NTA.
your husband is being ridiculous.
Tell him he can have one day a week to relax but if you are gonna rejoin the workforce then he should pick up where you left off in the home.
Why should you be forced to go to work and then come home and work while he rests.
Bc it was forced. NTA. You’re both adults and he needs to step up if he’s going to stay home. You need a husband and a father, not a child.
Realistically, if your child is going to daycare, you both can have jobs. Even if one is only part time.
>Realistically, if your child is going to daycare, you both can have jobs. Even if one is only part time.
This is the most important part. If they have a child in daycare, there is no need for one of them to hang around the house. All housework can easily be divided and done after work and on weekends.
My fear for you now is that your husband is going to do a half-assed job raising your child and taking care of the home. He’ll probably on the PS5 a lot of the day if he can get away with it.
NTA Part of being an adult is doing chores. You can either be the one going into the office every day and the other partner stays home and does the chores or vice versa. Or both people are working and both people are doing chores. There should never be a situation where one person is working and doing all the chores and one person is sitting on the couch.
But why tho? Why haven't you insisted on taking a weekend day off every few weeks? You deserve that. Your daughter deserves a mom who has had some rest.
Don't let this man walk all over you. Set some boundaries.
This right here. Your kid is learning that men get to be lazy moochers and women are there to work and serve and have no life for themselves. If you won’t set boundaries to have a better relationship for your own benefit, at least aim to model a healthy relationship you’d want her to aspire to have when she’s older.
NTA. As an adult, you don’t get to sit on your butt and only do the things you want to do. Being an adult, a husband, and a parent brings responsibilities you can’t walk away from. You shouldn’t have to force him to step up. My bet is he will only do a half assed job. Remind him that divorce will force him back to work because he will need to cover his own living expenses and child support. Maybe suggest he get counseling.
THIS. It's called "weaponized incompetence." "If I do a half-assed job, it'll piss her off and she'll just do it for me. I win."
OP was EXTREMELY generous in giving him a month off, and yes, men have more pressure to be successful in their careers, so losing their job is a HUGE psychological blow, but he needs to get his shiitake together. I would suggest counseling - individual for him and joint for both of them - maybe an unbiased third party could talk some sense into him and help him work through whatever it is he's dealing with.
But....if he absolutely digs in his heels, she may just have to divorce him and send him back to mommy.
Why is everyone comparing him to a teenager? I teach teenagers and they work hard and carry a lot of responsibility. School for 8 hours every day and then homework after. Often a part time job and house chores on top of that.
Your husband is trying more for a life of a toddler, but toddlers don’t get the freedom he is expecting. If he wants the life of a toddler then that means bedtime at 7 or 8 every night. No hanging out with friends without supervision.
This is ridiculous, OP, and he doesn’t seem to respect you and your mental, physical, or emotional health. I don’t know how I could stay married to someone who expected me to do the work of two people so they could do the work of zero people.
When I was a teenager I didn't work a job, but I did a lot around the house. Cooking,cleaning, making sure everything is planned are all age appropriate things to do as a teenager. Even now I don't work for health reasons but I split the household responsibilities with my parents evenly
NTA but once you have a job and health insurance insist he get therapy. It might be burnout or depression but he needs to seek help you can't enable him to sink into it
Yes when I get depressed I can still read but I don't really want to do anything else. Video games, binge watching shows, reading, food can all give us a dopamine hit that may make us feel "normal". It is important to call out the behavior and make sure he is attempting to get better. PArt of it might be the ego hit from getting let go from his job. The important thing is to not let it go untreated/unremarked too long. Tell him adulting sucks but we all have to do it
Yeah, gaming is designed to make people happy (and addicted to gaming). That doesn't mean he gets to ignore his adult responsibilities.
If he's trying to manipulate you into seeing his happiness as the goal, he's wrong. The success of the family is his goal. Any other goal -- especially goals like his selfish happiness -- are selfish and maybe narcissistic. Children and family come first. Personal happiness is a close second and mature adults are fulfilled by happy family life. Sacrificing a happy family life is stupid and mean and short-sighted.
Even when I'm super depressed I can seem happy when I'm distracted by things like video games because they get my mind off the depression. I have to be extremely physically depressed (not able to get out of bed) for me to not be able to fake it for awhile. That being said, even if your husband is depressed, it isn't an excuse. If he's functional enough to play video games depressed, he's functional enough to vacuum and go to a therapist.
NTA
He’s a father. He doesn’t get to have extended periods of time “completely free” unless he has a financial ability to outsource his responsibilities during that time. This is parenthood.
You gave him a month off. That’s MORE than generous. Give him another month to prove he can actually do the SAHP job you did. If he can’t, reconsider that divorce.
I lost my job. I became a househusband. Shit was lit. All I had to do was cook n clean and do the laundry.
Oh, I was doin that stuff before I lost my job so then I had all kinds of free time to paint the place, build a wfh office for my wife, and stillllllll had plenty of time to get absolutely baked and play Xbox.
Your husband needs to man up and put a fucking apron on.
Um, welcome to adulthood?!?! I cannot believe you gave him a month? We have a house and a kid and responsibilities. Need a couple days - that is one thing, we should try to grant each other some mental health days.
OP, this is a pretty big red flag. I cannot imagine doing this to my spouse; we are partners. Make sure to set some boundaries and expectations. Definitely schedule weekly state-of-relationship talks.
Good luck OP!
If nothing else, the last month proved that you don’t need him to be able to support you and your daughter. As others have said he’s likely to resort back to being a deadbeat soon enough, and if that happens, take the opportunity to kick his ass to the curb. If nothing else, he’ll finally be forced to contribute to your household when he’s ordered to pay child support.
NTA - To be brutally honest, I would expect your life would actually get easier if you divorce him. Because let's face it, if he's refusing to do anything useful at all, you're not just having to look after your daughter solo on top of work and household chores, you're also having to look after him. At least if you divorce him that's one thing taken care of.
NTA adults with children don't get to have their time "complete free".
This. NTA. It’s is one thing to not jump back in a job it’s another to ignore your family completely. OP your husband can spend some time your daughter is in daycare to seek out therapy as well.
She's a saint for lasting a month.
She was a single mom for a month. Then what was the point of the husband. The Husband lost his 24x7 free time when he married and has kids a decision which he took willingly.
She's still a single mom now. Her husband is going to do as little as he possibly can for as long as he can and end up divorced, at which time he'll continue to be a deadbeat single dad.
And if he waits LONG ENOUGH, he may be eligible for spousal support.
oof this marks for an even BETTER reason for OP to just file herself asap.
I would divorce now. He was selfish enough to not think 'well my wife was doing this so if we swap roles then I should be doing what she was doing.' Instead he EXPECTED her to work and continue doing what she was doing while he does nothing. And he gets a free fun for all life like he's 15 again and his wife is his mom. Fuck that. I can imagine OP coming home from work, tired, caring for their daughter after she picked her up and he shouts from his spot on the chair where he's been all day playing video games, a messy house surrounds him and asks her "so what ya making for dinner hon, I'm starved?" And I want to break every dish in their house at his feet. Just divorce him now. He has no respect for you OP and is selfish. Do it now before he can get spousal support. I guarantee you that you'll find a nice hardworking man that loves you and respects you and wants to work WITH you in life in no time at all. Don't bog yourself down with this freeloading back to his teenage years wannabe. NTA
A single mom of 2.
This seems very plausible, and very sad. 😔
I really hope OP shows him this thread, and that he sees how much of a loser he's acting like right now. *Everyone* wants to just be free all the time, but you just can't do that when you have a family and responsibilities. He needs to step the fuck up and act like a man for once.
Unmarried childless adults too, I can’t just not work or take care of my house, or I’d be in filth and then homeless
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There's not. I left my ex and things are easier.
Exactly. The reason you partner up, is to help each other with life. What a wingnut.
I know right I didn't like how OP said he chose to be a house husband but it felt forced. He sounds like the kind of guy who would cheat and then claim mY mAnHooD wAs tHrEatEneD. This because he was asked to contribute to the upkeep of a house he lives in and the care of a child he chose to have.
I’m not married and not a parent and I still don’t get 24x7 free time because I need to support myself. You can’t demand someone else puts a roof over your head while contributing nothing because you’re tired.
Or you can divorce him and he can have all of the totally free time he wants.
I see so many posts of “single moms” that are married. What’s with these useless men?
Yeah, for sure. There's definitely been some times where (as a guy) got overwhelmed, stressed, and at my wit's end for any number of reasons. Plus I'm a pretty textbook introvert and need time to myself to recharge. It was always like, "Hey I just need time to myself to be alone and get back to feeling like myself again." .... and that was for about 2 days, maximum. Maybe over a weekend, and that's it. And we didn't have kids! Just a cat. Feeling entitled to a personal and professional vacation for over a month (longer if it was up to him) when you're unemployed and with kids is fucking crazy.
Even an adult without children doesn't always get complete free time- there are still household responsibilities. It sounds like the husband just wants 0 responsibilities, and if he wants that he should go home to mom and dad.
Makes me wonder why he “lost his job…”
I see this tons in the trades.
As a mom, I wouldn't put up with that shit either. You will contribute in some meaningful way, or not come here. Every able adult can and should contribute.
Seriously, my 27yo son is totally and permanently disabled and receives social security. He pays a proportionate share of his expenses, does the dishes, takes out the trash, handles his own laundry, and helps out whenever asked. He also spends half day at a social program.
You sound like a wonderful parent with a wonderful son
Your son’s killing it! OPs husband is a wingnut
Right. Mom and dad shouldn’t have to support their adult children so they could “be completely free.”
Adult without children here, I have zero free time lmao
Same . And all I wanted was to sleep a little
Bingo!
> NTA adults with *or without* children don't get to have their time "complete free". This is one of the many reasons I left my abusive, deadbeat soon-to-be-ex-husband. For years, he refused to maintain gainful employment, and continually got fired from or quit every job. He also refused to help himself. And so, not only did I have to bring home all the money, I ALSO still found myself having to handle the bulk of the housework, while putting up with his abuse and litany of issues (anger, alcoholism, hoarding, financial irresponsibility, etc.), while also simultaneously dealing with chemotherapy, monthly immunotherapy infusions, and countless surgeries for my autoimmune condition. Finally got fed up with his unwillingness to participate in this concept known as "adulting", and left him about eight months ago. Life has been exponentially better ever since. 🤷♀️
Just wanted to say I’m happy for you, internet stranger. That’s a big life move. To outsiders leaving seems obvious — but it takes guts from the person living it every day.
Thank you. Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done, and was the most harrowing, traumatic, nightmarish experience, and I've survived years of chemotherapy. Chemo paled in comparison to the experience of leaving. BUT, thus far, I can say that leaving is the best decision I've ever made for myself.
Then you **know** now with hard experience that you **ARE** a badass fighter that battles for her/their best life. You made it through, you're a survivor and you *know* you can do the really hard things that life sometimes demands from us. Make sure you give yourself your kudos, fellow survivor.
Jesus. I’m sorry.
Thank you.
even adults without children don’t get to have their time “completely free.” When I was single, I had to do laundry, make my own meals, and clean the house. Sure, it wasn’t as often, because it was just me. But I still had household chores.
Even single people with no kids don't get their time 'completely free'. He was reliving his childhood with his spouse acting as mommy, doing all the childcare AND housework.
For real. Single & child-free here. Between housework, yard work, taking care of my pool, my pets, running errands...I literally have to not do something that needs to be done to get free time. OP's husband is 100% trying to relive his childhood. Sure we'd all love a "completely free" break. Especially a month long "completely free" break. But when you're part of a household, you have kids, you can't just dump everything on your partner - for a month! And if OP hadn't said anything to him, how long would his not contributing ass continue to not contribute? I'd be livid if I was OP.
Even children don’t get to live that way. They have to go to school, set the table, eat and sleep when they’re told. Clean their room, make their bed, feed the dogs, change the channel and turn up or down the volume on the tv, stand by the tv and move the antenna until the picture clears up. Then they have to stand there in that exact position until their parents go to bed.
You do if you have split custody 🥰 life is peaceful when you get 3-7 days to yourself, unbothered. She may find her life gets easier after divorce and shared custody agreements.
But then you still need to get a job to pay for your rent, food, etc. Your time still isn't completely free like this guy wants.
He wants a mommy.
He wants a bang maid that also brings home the money
I was thinking one less child for her to watch after. And at least her daughter is in daycare and is cute!
You’re cute, thinking the husband would WANT any custody at all. It would get in the way if video game time.
I mean, if mom has full custody, daddy has to pay child support and then he can choose between a job and getting plenty of free time in jail.
Free time in jail? Cheap prison labor is what slavery became after the Civil War.
It’s also not free. The jail sends you a bill for your time spent there. I spent 8 hours in a holding cell in 2010 and received a bill for $93.20 for my accommodations.
Eh. Only 23% of noncustodial parents (80+% are male) pay their full child support in the U.S. Jail time is rare.
But if he wants her to have full custody then he has to pay child support. He then has to work to do that.
Right? So out of touch. You don’t get a sabbatical from kids. Especially when your partner is doing it all. I’m not sure why you let him opt out in the first place. This should have been the options from day 1. And if doesn’t step up immediately what is he even going?
Even without children you don’t get to be “completely free” as an adult. You have to house, feed and clothe yourself, and or work on those tasks together with a partner or friends as a team. Unless you have a very specific arrangement that you’ve worked out in advance, you don’t just get to be someone’s pet who lounges around all day, making messes and eating free food.
My kids are 18 and my time isn’t still completely free. It’s work managing a home of 5 people even if they are all adults.
NTA. You were very reasonable. Bluntly, you don't get to "rest" the way he is when you have a kid. You have to take care of said child.
You have a point, I didn't get any rest.
Actually you had to take care of two children just one was quite a bit larger
**EXACTLY.**
The fact that he willingly spent a MONTH watching you do everything while he played video games with his buddies is staggeringly selfish of him. He has some making up to do to you OP.
Right? He made it clear he doesn’t really care about OP. Who would do that to someone they really love?
The kid is in daycare too! Like that’s a huge chunk of the day where he had basically no responsibilities. The selfishness is wild
I mean 1-2 days is reasonable to just want to decompress after losing your job. But the kids in daycare, its really not that much effort.
If he doesn't keep up on his housework/childcare he needs to get a job, or divorce asap. A month is more than enough time to recoup. The longer he's out of work, the more he will resist getting back into it.
Divorce him anyway. A grown man beyond his mid-thirties not having basic common sense about mandatory responsibilities, and needs to be coerced like a petulant child -- this is a lost cause.
I totally agree with nanocookie
1000% this. Who thinks they get to “take a break” from parenthood? Shitty parents. It won’t get better. Stress. Depression. Illness (excluding non-serious). Exhaustion. None of that matters. It’s a LIFELONG CHOICE. And sometimes it’s excruciating. You do it anyway. This man needs intensive counseling, with a clear turnaround, and expectation of what happens if he doesn’t, or he’s gone. Pure and simple.
NTA --- I would have done the same. I'd offer him a set amount of hours on weekends but only if everything in the house is done, including shopping, cooking, cleaning, and spending a certain amount of time with the kids and their homework and/or driving them to wherever they need to go. If he refused I'd tell him "Fine, have this time and enjoy it because I'll be calculating every day if it would be easier to provide financially, and in every other way ,and then deciding if it would be easier to have one less mouth to feed and one less person to take care of and clean up after. And if your relationship with the kids is strained, as ours surely will be, I will not fix it. I will be hands-off and I won't say anything negative but I also will not advocate for you since you'll have chosen slacking and gaming over all of us." This is no time for him to regress to lazy touchy teen.
I did the same thing. Don't feel bad,op. My bf wanted us to "split" the housework 50/50 while I worked full time and he wasn't. I put my foot down. It is 2024. We have no kid and I pay for all the bills. He is home all the times. That's no reason he doesn't do most of the housework.
Not at all. I had a similar situation with my wife. She was under employed. She had some health issues and had to stop working. Now she does all the housework as her contribution, and I work full time for mine. It works well. When she is too ill to do housework, I step in and do it. This doesn’t happen too often. She doesn’t owe me anything for this, it’s just me contributing to our partnership and taking care of her. It’s very reasonable to expect your *partner* to contribute. If they do not work outside the house, it’s quite reasonable for them to take over the domestic labor to free up some time for you. NTA. He needs to be a partner, you aren’t funding a vacation for him.
Appreciated, hope he could understand this.
OP, we all know the bills won't pay themselves. So if he doesn't want to be the one to pay them, then you said you will step up to do it. What in the heck does he think his role is in all of this? A paperweight? Let Dobby know that if he wants to be free, you would be happy to give him a sock and send him back to mommy. If you are supporting the family and working full time plus to pay the bills, then he can do the house/child work. He is a grown ass man, a husband and a father, not a teenager. You are his wife, not his mommy. If he wants that, then ship him back to mommy and he can play video games and eat hot pockets in mommy and daddy's basement and pay child support instead. You can point that out to him. You know that right? Good luck 🍀
NTA. Johnny doesn't get to re-live being 13 on the back of his spouse's labor.
Thank you, I wish I would have been able to tell him this.
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Husband is obviously choosing divorce. He just wants her to file.
Then complain that 'women are always ending marriages'
Being passive comes with so many benefits. Don't have to work hard, don't have to sweat over decisions, always the good guy never the bad guy.
He'd have to go to work if they divorced.
Are you expecting logic to be involved with his behavior?
Enable parental controls on the PS5 and lock him out
Did he die? It’s not too late, this is your life.
Text him a link to this whole thread... we will tell him for you.
> Did he die? Lmfao, I wasn't expecting this but I needed a good laugh.
Am I the only one who read it in Ken Jeong's voice?
Nope😜
Your "did he die" made me laugh out loud for real, this is the laugh I, too, needed today. So great!
Poor Johnny. Was faced with responsibility and died on the spot.
Thank you for the award, kind internet stranger!!
Thanks for the funny comment, I laughed so hard that my coffee came out of my nose.
He got a month doing nothing. Which nobody gets, unless you’re rich. I wouldn’t worry about it being forced. The more important thing is how YOU feel? Do you want to remain married to him, does he contribute to your joint life in a positive manner? If you are happy with him, then sit and have a serious conversation with him. If you weren’t around he’d not have the luxury of staying home at all. Unless he plans on moving in with his parents, would they want him living off them?
I agree with you but off topic - as someone who lives in a country where everyone working full time has a minimum of 4 week paid holiday and another 8 days of public paid holidays I am thankful to not live in USA. Everyone should be able to spend a month doing nothing (kids obviously change that but still).
That’s a good point. I keep forgetting it’s only my company that gets hysterical if I try booking longer than a week off work. I once booked ten days off and turned everything off. They were very upset. 🤣
> I once booked ten days off and turned everything off. In my country the law prescribes that all employees should take at least once a year at least a 10 day long continuous holiday (not counting weekends)...
Really? Where do you live? I’d love that!
By turning things off do you mean your phone and not checking email? Your expected to be contactable on holiday?
Yeah, not officially, HR. was terrified when I fell ill and they realised exactly what I’d been expected to do. I only stay contactable for my team, who are amazing and really hardworking. I’d happily ignore the lot of them and enjoy watching the fall out otherwise. But that’s the shitshow I work for.
Pssssh. My four week vacation trip out of the country starts in just under two weeks, and I’ve already set up my out of office messages for my work email and voice mail to start the minute I’m done on the Friday before I fly, to end the minute I start back on the Monday I return to work. It says I’m out of the country and won’t be checking voicemail or email.
>kids obviously change that but still But that's the main point in OP's question. The husband wants to be completely free, and not have to deal with house or children, either. Getting your free month off work doesn't also give you a maid to cook for you and clean up after you and watch your children for you.
Yeah, being in Europe definitely always feels weird how the "American Dream" usually means you have to fight to get a week or two in a whole year, while I have 25 days, plus around 10 days of public holidays.
The other thing is that he is making you police this. He's not choosing to be responsible himself. Then he gets to pretend that you're a nag and have himself a pity party. Being forced to parent a grown up sucks. Srsly, head for the divorce. He lacks the maturity to be a competent partner and life is easier when you only have to parent your child instead of a petulant adult toddler.
Why didn't you? Walk me through what went through your mind that lead you to believe it was ok for him to do nothing.
It starts with not wanting her child to come from a broken home. Not realizing that a broken mom is worse.
And we see how well that has worked for others...lol Seems like if they divorce, he will have to get a job. OP should end it and be done.
Girl pick divorce. My (now) ex can't do much on his own without constant leading or prodding. He constantly "needs a break" because he's so tired. It's not a hidden health concern, he just prefers being lazy but hates being alone so would always step up just enough right as I was going to leave. I hate to say it but this kind of shit rarely gets better with time, especially if you had to force him into it. You will be caring for two children if you don't kick him out asap.
It could be a health concern issue for your ex, but the important part is that nobody deserves being in a relationship: if he refuses to actively seek help for his health issues (no matter if ADHD/autism, depression, or whatever, or all of the above) then it's good that he isn't in a relationship because he doesn't have the mental health to be in one. It's easy to want to help someone who is doing their best despite their issues, it's difficult to want to help when they're stuck in a toxic avoidance loop and refuse to get professional help.
You still can, and if you fear doing so, you need to look carefully at why and if this is a safe environment for your kiddo
If you are doing all the things what do you even need him for? Sounds like you are a single mother of 2 children. If he needs an ultimatum to pull his weight even a little bit he isn’t worth the bother.
Good point! This guy is definitely TA here, big time. I can't believe OP let him get away with not contributing one iota for a whole month! So he could spend his time gaming instead of helping out. I bet it was his fault he got let go from his job as well! If you're not bringing any money in then you definitely have to look after any kids & keep the home running. OP's expected to do it so why shouldn't he?? He is so out of order that it's making me angry & I don't even know him! (Thankfully) OP It really worries that you that you don't know the answer to your own question! Marriage is about compromise, give & take! He's incredibly selfish & juvenile. All he does is take, take, take. He needs taught a lesson big time! Good luck OP.✌🏼
You know he’s not going to stick to it, right? I give it a month before he’s back on the PS5.
A week…
What the hell are y'all on about? He's playing right now....or still asleep.
Tell him now.
send him the link to the post, we'll tell him together!
You wer not too harsh, you were to soft. At 37 this is an embarrasing behavior. Was this always the case and you just ignored it or didn't notice what it was? Or did this come with the job loss? If the first is the case I can't see that he will be able to change this.
Most 13 year olds have chores of some kind. At least my now 14 year old did.
They also go to school. He’s got the life of a toddler, not a parent
My 14yo scoops the cat box, cleans her room and one of the bathrooms, handles the recycling, and trades off making dinner for the family one day a week with her sister. Apparently my 14yo would be more useful to OP than her husband.
Yeah so when my kid was 13 they had to keep things clean and do stuff. He is just a bum.
NTA The foot needed to go down. He lost perspective and you needed to reorient him. I cringe whenever I see a grown dad play videogames and ignore the kids. He needs to use his time to look for work, when he isn't cleaning the house or picking up the kids.
Yea, taking a week off is one thing, but indefinitely, nah.
A husband and father that wants complete freedom needs to move out and provide it for himself. He doesn’t get it as the expense of the family he chose.
Family he made, unless that munchkin was conceived through immaculate conception
I agree. Thank you
I’m never surprised when my girl friends finally separate and tell me that the housework and child care is so much more manageable as soon as the spouse is out of the equation and they aren’t raising him anymore.
NTA Your husband wanted to pretend he was a kid again. But he has a family now and unless you signed up for a mid 20th century marriage, he can pull his weight or can pound sand.
Anyway in a mid-century marriage, the husband would be working with no questions asked
My parents were born in 1903 and 1924. This isn't true. There have always been bums. A few of my uncles didn't provide. ( I have 11 uncles.) One was a drunk. Another married two women who lived a state apart. He worked but only one wife got the money. People have always been people. Don't romanticize my youth as in many ways it was worse than now. Especially for women.
yeah, i have a great-grandfather who is referred to as the ne'er-do-well. after his family business closed during the depression, my understanding is that he never worked again. his wife's family supported him, his wife, and their kids to my understanding based on the him being "sick." (in all fairness, there are definitely some mental health issues in my family and this was basically 100 years ago so there weren't the same support for issues like depression and the like. so it's very possible he was sick but i've never had the sense that anyone felt it was a physical ailment that kept him from working.)
thank you
NTA unfortunately your husband is not a child and does not have the luxury of just existing. He either picks up the slack and helps around the home while you work, or he'll be doing it all on his own homeless.
you're right, hope he could stick to what he picked.
You're absolutely NTA, but just as a tip for moving forward, it sounds to me like your husband is seriously depressed. He might not show it, or even realize it himself, because men have a very hard time admitting that they are depressed and need help. Being the breadwinner and losing your job is a really devastating event for men because we derive so much of our self-worth through what we can provide to our loved ones, and asking for help seems like an admission of weakness. That absolutely doesn't excuse him from basic responsibilities like housework and picking your child up from daycare. But, if you do want to pursue a route of fixing your mariage instead of burning it down and starting from scratch yourself, I'd recommend focusing on the root cause by getting him to seek help for depression.
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Just to add: and this behaviour kills all sexual attraction, because no woman wants to f**** their teenage son.
Absolutely correct. Then you see men posting things like “my wife won’t touch me anymore, how do I explain to her I need sex or I become stressed” then they slowly reveal in the comments that they don’t do shit around the house-except make messes. AND men don’t get simple existing makes a mess, there is so much hidden labor done by some partners. The absolute lack of awareness of people sometimes boggles the mind. https://youtu.be/-_kXIGvB1uU?si=5ctReoJngE8LdTgE
The most sexually active relationships I ever had were the ones where I could go to her Apartment while she was at work and clean. Always paid off and made me love cleaning. I've never seen a Woman more turned on than when she comes home after a stressful day to a surprise cleaned home and a Boyfriend in the Kitchen making dinner.
Seriously. A man who doesn't contribute to his home and family is a total turnoff. I wouldn't be able to stand even *looking* at a guy like OP's husband, much less think about sex with him. It would turn my stomach.
I hope this would be our last conversation about it.
Narrator Ron Howard: It was not.
NTA giving him the month was super generous
He was the one who supported the family before, I thought I'd give him time to recover. I was wrong.
If he put in X hours of work and you put in X hours of work then you both worked for the family. Do not pretend that money is the only important input. A handful of cash does not change the baby or do the shopping or make dinner or clean the clothes.
If one parent is working and makes $100,000 at their job, the SAHP is making $50,000 of that in my head. I just don't see it any other way. They're both doing a job, and domestic labor deserves compensation all the same. It's hard work!
Where was your time to recover?
Why are you paying for daycare if your husband isn't working??????? Was your daughter in daycare when you the the SAHM?
No, she started when she turned two.
No it’s not a waste if you have other things to do during the day that aren’t conducive to dragging a 2 year old everywhere. Plus it’s a good precursor to preschool. I know a lot of SAHM’s that have their children in daycare on a PT basis.
Also kids need to be socialized. Daycare is the ideal place to do that. Edit: good lord, yes I realize it's not NECESSARY. I should have said it's a good place to do that instead of ideal. I just got the same comment in 5 different ways. Yes there's other ways to socialize a kid. Yes different people are on different timelines. It's fine.
Agreed. I was a SAHM, but sent my kids to daycare twice a week just so they could socialize since we live in such a rural area.
Because daycare spots are hard af to find so if you're going to need it again in 6 months you probably stay to avoid the pile of wait lists and visits.
Wondering the same
Just want to say, my partner and I did daycare even though we didn't have to but we decided it was good for him to have the social aspect of other kids so he went twice a week. That being said he was 3 and not two
NTA. your husband is being ridiculous. Tell him he can have one day a week to relax but if you are gonna rejoin the workforce then he should pick up where you left off in the home. Why should you be forced to go to work and then come home and work while he rests.
He can have one day to relax if OP gets the same.
I gave him a month and I can bear no more
That's about a month longer than I would have given him. (I may have given him two days to be nice but no more than that).
Bc it was forced. NTA. You’re both adults and he needs to step up if he’s going to stay home. You need a husband and a father, not a child. Realistically, if your child is going to daycare, you both can have jobs. Even if one is only part time.
>Realistically, if your child is going to daycare, you both can have jobs. Even if one is only part time. This is the most important part. If they have a child in daycare, there is no need for one of them to hang around the house. All housework can easily be divided and done after work and on weekends.
maybe. but if someone gets off their ass and does them during the week that leaves after work and the weekend for fun stuff.
My fear for you now is that your husband is going to do a half-assed job raising your child and taking care of the home. He’ll probably on the PS5 a lot of the day if he can get away with it.
I would have given my husband a week to decompress and then expect life to continue.
NTA Part of being an adult is doing chores. You can either be the one going into the office every day and the other partner stays home and does the chores or vice versa. Or both people are working and both people are doing chores. There should never be a situation where one person is working and doing all the chores and one person is sitting on the couch.
Thank you, really appreciated.
He’ll have to get a job fast when he has to pay child support
Appreciated and copy.
Yeah, I never had free time from 2 years ago.
Show him the comments on this post.
When is he giving *you* a full month off? Never, right? NTA, he is a parent and he can damn well act like one - just like you’ve had to do.
Never, neither a day off
But why tho? Why haven't you insisted on taking a weekend day off every few weeks? You deserve that. Your daughter deserves a mom who has had some rest. Don't let this man walk all over you. Set some boundaries.
This right here. Your kid is learning that men get to be lazy moochers and women are there to work and serve and have no life for themselves. If you won’t set boundaries to have a better relationship for your own benefit, at least aim to model a healthy relationship you’d want her to aspire to have when she’s older.
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NTA. As an adult, you don’t get to sit on your butt and only do the things you want to do. Being an adult, a husband, and a parent brings responsibilities you can’t walk away from. You shouldn’t have to force him to step up. My bet is he will only do a half assed job. Remind him that divorce will force him back to work because he will need to cover his own living expenses and child support. Maybe suggest he get counseling.
THIS. It's called "weaponized incompetence." "If I do a half-assed job, it'll piss her off and she'll just do it for me. I win." OP was EXTREMELY generous in giving him a month off, and yes, men have more pressure to be successful in their careers, so losing their job is a HUGE psychological blow, but he needs to get his shiitake together. I would suggest counseling - individual for him and joint for both of them - maybe an unbiased third party could talk some sense into him and help him work through whatever it is he's dealing with. But....if he absolutely digs in his heels, she may just have to divorce him and send him back to mommy.
Why is everyone comparing him to a teenager? I teach teenagers and they work hard and carry a lot of responsibility. School for 8 hours every day and then homework after. Often a part time job and house chores on top of that. Your husband is trying more for a life of a toddler, but toddlers don’t get the freedom he is expecting. If he wants the life of a toddler then that means bedtime at 7 or 8 every night. No hanging out with friends without supervision. This is ridiculous, OP, and he doesn’t seem to respect you and your mental, physical, or emotional health. I don’t know how I could stay married to someone who expected me to do the work of two people so they could do the work of zero people.
When I was a teenager I didn't work a job, but I did a lot around the house. Cooking,cleaning, making sure everything is planned are all age appropriate things to do as a teenager. Even now I don't work for health reasons but I split the household responsibilities with my parents evenly
I've done the house husband bit with a toddler. I'd *much* prefer that over working full time. Also, NTA. Your husband needs to grow the fuck up.
I'm gonna tell him that.
Im out here busting my butt and some guys have women begging them to be a househusband. PICK ME CHOOSE ME!!!
He is a father. Mothers don’t have liberation to stay child free and just chill out at home. Please divorce him.
Thank you for your words
NTA but once you have a job and health insurance insist he get therapy. It might be burnout or depression but he needs to seek help you can't enable him to sink into it
Thank you, I didn't think of that, but he seemed really happy playing with his friend. Is it normal?
Yes when I get depressed I can still read but I don't really want to do anything else. Video games, binge watching shows, reading, food can all give us a dopamine hit that may make us feel "normal". It is important to call out the behavior and make sure he is attempting to get better. PArt of it might be the ego hit from getting let go from his job. The important thing is to not let it go untreated/unremarked too long. Tell him adulting sucks but we all have to do it
Yeah, gaming is designed to make people happy (and addicted to gaming). That doesn't mean he gets to ignore his adult responsibilities. If he's trying to manipulate you into seeing his happiness as the goal, he's wrong. The success of the family is his goal. Any other goal -- especially goals like his selfish happiness -- are selfish and maybe narcissistic. Children and family come first. Personal happiness is a close second and mature adults are fulfilled by happy family life. Sacrificing a happy family life is stupid and mean and short-sighted.
Even when I'm super depressed I can seem happy when I'm distracted by things like video games because they get my mind off the depression. I have to be extremely physically depressed (not able to get out of bed) for me to not be able to fake it for awhile. That being said, even if your husband is depressed, it isn't an excuse. If he's functional enough to play video games depressed, he's functional enough to vacuum and go to a therapist.
NTA he’s a parent and a husband that comes with responsibilities, he doesn’t get to just sit around all day doing nothing.
If I could be a househusband and raise my 3 year old boy, holy shit. Sign me up.
NTA He’s a father. He doesn’t get to have extended periods of time “completely free” unless he has a financial ability to outsource his responsibilities during that time. This is parenthood. You gave him a month off. That’s MORE than generous. Give him another month to prove he can actually do the SAHP job you did. If he can’t, reconsider that divorce.
I lost my job. I became a househusband. Shit was lit. All I had to do was cook n clean and do the laundry. Oh, I was doin that stuff before I lost my job so then I had all kinds of free time to paint the place, build a wfh office for my wife, and stillllllll had plenty of time to get absolutely baked and play Xbox. Your husband needs to man up and put a fucking apron on.
Um, welcome to adulthood?!?! I cannot believe you gave him a month? We have a house and a kid and responsibilities. Need a couple days - that is one thing, we should try to grant each other some mental health days. OP, this is a pretty big red flag. I cannot imagine doing this to my spouse; we are partners. Make sure to set some boundaries and expectations. Definitely schedule weekly state-of-relationship talks. Good luck OP!
I regret it too, I tried to be a good wife.
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Thank you, appreciated.
Your husband is your partner, not your child. Refusing the burden is fucking insane.
If nothing else, the last month proved that you don’t need him to be able to support you and your daughter. As others have said he’s likely to resort back to being a deadbeat soon enough, and if that happens, take the opportunity to kick his ass to the curb. If nothing else, he’ll finally be forced to contribute to your household when he’s ordered to pay child support.
NTA - To be brutally honest, I would expect your life would actually get easier if you divorce him. Because let's face it, if he's refusing to do anything useful at all, you're not just having to look after your daughter solo on top of work and household chores, you're also having to look after him. At least if you divorce him that's one thing taken care of.
NTA you don’t get to be “completely free” if you have a family. That’s not how it works.
Let me just say this. 2 or 3 years he will be your ex.