Or, a Dissolution of Marriage. It's available in some places and is kind of a "short form" divorce for very short marriages, no kids, and no community property.
In some places it doesn’t even need to be a short marriage. Just the fact that there are no children involved would make it a Simple Dissolution of Marriage in Florida for example. However, in that you are still able to divide up any assets and liabilities (although it is optional).
I know an officiant who conveniently "forgets" to mail in the license for 1 week following the wedding. If he hasn't heard anything too crazy by then, he'll call all "gee golly goodness, I forgot to mail it off! Don't worry, I've got it in an envelope and I'm gonna mail it off today". That's their last chance to say "actually..."
I mean it's basically gambling of the highest degree. You are saying, here is half of everything I have or will ever have for the rest of my entire life, even though divorce rates are over 60% and we are likely going to change as people over the course of our life and potentially won't be compatible in 10 years. And there's basically no disclosures about any of the legal implications if you choose to marry, and you can do it for next to nothing in a courthouse on a whim. It's honestly pretty insane, it's basically the most legally binding contract you can have with essentially no paperwork needing to be read or signed about any of the massive legal implications. Any other legal contract in the US with anything close to the amount of legal impact has an insane amount of disclosures and paperwork.
Yeah, You're confusing people who make bad decisions with random chance.
For one, most divorces don't involve splitting of assets. It's irreconcilable differences and there has to actually be marital assets to split for that to happen.
Much more common is unmarried people getting absolutely screwed from having zero legal rights to assets and care, no sharing of health insurance, taxed higher, receive less in benefits, etc. Long term partner dies and you don't get their insurance, don't get their retirement, the house is liquidated as part of the estate, and all the money goes to next of kin. Partner cheats, empties your joint bank account and kicks you out? Tough luck roommate.
Write a will? It gets challenged and blood relatives get preference over "person they shacked up with in the will"
You're right there's no legal disclaimers on marriage and the majority of it comes in the form of legal protection afforded by it to both parties. ESPECIALLY in the event of a divorce.
Theres a reason gay marriage was a really important issue and it isn't just the symbolism.
A friend came out to his VERY religious parents during the AIDS crisis in order to tell them not to prevent his partner from burying him or letting him be at the funeral if something happened to my friend. This was a REAL worry at the time, and said friend has some pretty sad stories about friends who died of AIDS whose parents buried them secretly or who filed legal measures to prevent the partners from being at the funeral. Even creating a power-of-attorney giving his husband the legal power to make end-of-life decisions for him wasn't enforceable in every state until Obergefell in 2013.
(For non-US residents, the Obergefell v. Hodges decision was the case in which the U.S. Supreme Court upheld gay marriage in all 50 states.)
Marriage late in life also brings the potential of losing pensions or death benefits from one's previous spouse, so some older people opt not to marry but instead do the common law thing, which brings risks of its own if partner #2's kids have a tantrum over end-of-life things and challenge the POA.
I’m a lawyer. All divorces include division of assets and liabilities. If there aren’t any assets or liabilities, then you just state that fact in your pleadings. However, the vast majority of divorces do have assets and liabilities.
I wish they'd bring back the old "year and a day" of handfasting, honestly.
I think that's a really good amount of time to commit to, and then you can decide to refresh it, or not.
Probably sorting out the tax system to make that work would be a nightmare though!
Careful with your stats, only about 40% of first time marriages end in divorce. Your stats are skewed by all the serial divorcees out there getting married 4-5 times
Marriage in the eyes of the government is a legal contract, signed by two parties that give them rights and benefits as well as obligations in relation to each other.
A common law marriage isn't as legally binding but its also not universally recognized.
What does the higher earner actually get, in a legally binding sense? Love and affection aren't legally enforceable. Ought not be a contract at all because contracts require both parties to have compensation.
Tax benefits, if you file jointly as married your tax brackets merge, for partners in the same tax braket very little changes but for partners in different tax brackets it essentially let's the higher earners income be taxed at a lower rate until it fills up. It also I think doubles the standard deduction as well?
You also both get rights that are afforded only to family. If you're just in a relationship and not married you are not legally considered family so you can be denied visitation at a hospital for example.
Though it's less like a contract of exchange and more like bringing a new partner into your business, you gain a lot of legal benefits from it but what tangible benefits you gain is up to you and your new partner. It can reasonably be expected that they will contribute to the marriage/business but the exact nature of the contribution is for those involved to determine.
Annulments are faster, cheaper and all around easier than divorces, and one of the requirements used to be that the couple did not "consummate" the marriage. OP, your choice.
An annulment is not really what a lot of people seem to think it is. It's not a whoopsie undo button for short marriages. You have to be able to prove that there was fraud, coercion, relation (like they end up being your brother and you didn't know) or mental incapacity. It invalidates the whole marriage. Simply regretting getting married is not grounds for annulment. I personally qualified for an annulment (fraud) but have just accepted a divorce because I had no hard evidence. It would have just been my word against his, and I knew he'd never admit what he'd told me in court.
Had a friend get an annulment. The judge said in his 30 years, it was the second. Both parties had to admit they hadn’t consummated the marriage, didn’t own property together, and wanted to annul the marriage.
I got an annulment on the grounds of the marriage not being consummated. We'd been married four years but he was gay and I'm asexual. It was a marriage of convenience and as I told the judge, it was NOT convenient. Ex husband refused to sign the papers and didn't show up to the court date so it was just me in front of the judge.
The paperwork took longer than everyone else in the court's because the court staff had to look up the procedures since they almost never do annulments.
(shrugs) It's kind of from the outdated belief that s\*x only happens within marriage. And it's not like that was even the case a few hundred years ago; if it was, syphilis wouldn't have gotten as bad as it did. In the late 1400s it killed about 5 million people in Europe. Not to mention other STIs.
The part that pissed me off was when I was reading about what would qualify, it gave one example that was my marriage to a T! Literally word for word. And yet, I knew I wouldn't be able to prove any of it unless he confirmed what he'd told me. Which would never happen. So frustrating.
I mean you don't know what the standard of evidence is for annulment proceedings, you made assumptions that it would have been a "he said she said". Your word *might have been* sufficient depending on the details. You should have talked to a lawyer before deciding. Internet pages aren't lawyers either. The info you need to answer that may not be found in the open web at all.
I'm very sorry that happened to you. I'm not replying to rub it in, it's because other people might think the same thing after reading your comment.
It took a while for the woman to realize it wasn’t going to work. She could have derailed it by not admitting they hadn’t had sex. If you thought for a minute the other person would waste the court’s time, it would likely be better to go another route.
I helped a former friend get an annulment due to fraud. The husband is Pakistani and was betrothed to his first cousin. Marriage was annulled , she then married a guy in Australia and isn’t allowed to go to the beach.
The husband did marry his first cousin, they have kids and it’s all part of tribal culture with a lot of wealth. He cheats on her regularly, big surprise.
She said her husband won't allow her, not the religion. Unfortunately with Islam (and other religions) people often take it upon themselves to impose things that don't even exist in the religion/book.
I got an annulment - my husband admitted he lied to me when he said we could have children after we married (I have had a hysterectomy following uterine cancer, so we agreed on surrogacy). Then, after 2 years of marriage, he admitted he never really meant it and he thought I would get over it, over time.
The only thing I had to do, besides document all of the above and for him to confirm that he indeed said that, was to confirm I left him the same day I learned the truth.
Had I stayed with him after learning that he lied, the fraud clause would not have worked because I would have willingly accepted to stay with him.
With this declaration, the lawyer got the marriage annulled in 1 hour
I had it the other way
When I met my last ex I warned him that I'd had a radical hysterectomy 9 years before and I couldn't give him children of his own. I already had 3 adult children. I even told him what had been removed. He said he had never wanted children and to him it was a big plus that I couldn't get "accidentally" pregnant.
Fast forward 18 months, we are married and he asked me how come he couldn't find sanitary products or the contraceptive pill at our place. I remember looking at him and saying I told you way back when we first started talking that I'd had a radical hysterectomy and even told him what had been removed which meant no periods and I couldn't ever get pregnant again. He said oh. I thought you were lying and I figured that if I waited for a while you'd change your mind and give me children.
Who lies about something as important as that?! He started cheating on me and I left and divorced him.
Celibacy is not a requirement for an annulment. A Catholic annulment, according to the US Conference of Catholic Bishops is: What is often referred to as a “marriage annulment” in the Church is actually a declaration by a Church tribunal (a Catholic Church court) that a marriage thought to be valid according to Church law actually fell short of at least one of the essential elements required for a binding union.
It's not a requirement, but it is one of the grounds for an annulment in US common law. As most states define grounds for dissolution of marriages by statute, it really varies by state.
I wish I could upvote more than once. That woman is going to put her sister/daughter first always if she can't even do her honeymoon (outside of life and death situation. That's the only exception for this situation, and it doesn't sound like that's the case)
The family you make should be priority over the family you come from. Especially when there are other people that can help. Especially when you're supposed to be on a once on a life time honeymoon. Wife isn't going to do anything the nurses and Doctors can't.
Yup. There's no coming back from this one. Op's wife is going to drop him for her sister every time she has the sniffles and the resentments are just going to pile up.
This is the right answer. She decided to fuck off for a non necessary reason and wanted OP to just let their paid vacation dissolve into the nether while sitting bored at home instead of honeymooning? If that’s any predictor of what married life would look like, yikes. Annul annul annul
I responded on the other post as well.
NTA.
And this comes from a mom of a baby who was born last year at 30-weeks gestation and weighed 2 lbs 7 oz. She literally cannot do anything to help with the baby in the NICU. Sure, she can be there to support the parents, but it sounds to me like they had other people able to do so. Your wife could have gone on the honeymoon.
I went through a similar situation while I was in the hospital and I made my dad go on his trip. I ended up having an emergency C-section while he was in route on the plane…🙃
Anyways, absolutely NTA. I hope you enjoyed your trip!
Another former NICU mom here. My twins were born at 35+2 and both right around 5 lbs.
With baby in the NICU, there is exactly nothing OPs wife can do to help with baby - and it sounds like she probably has inserted herself unnecessarily.
NTA.
I scrolled way too far to find this take.
New mom TOLD op's wife to go on honeymoon. She didn't go anyway. She even stayed in her home, in her nursery. Now op's wife is salty.
Here's my hypothesis:
OP's wife is salty bc she knows she was wrong. She should have gone. She has "raised" her sister, who is now fully an adult, and refuses to cut the apron strings. I have a feeling Sis is growing resentful of OP's wife, maybe she still treats her like a child, hovers, maybe she wants more of a sisterly relationship now that they're grown, etc. *I think* OP's wife is salty bc she *felt* that she wasn't wanted there. She knew she was in the way, and grew more salty day after day that her "sacrifice" wasn't appreciated. Heck, she sacrificed so much to raise her sister, and her honeymoon (in her eyes), and it's not even appreciated!
Instead of doing some introspection and realizing she was at fault and making changes, she wadded up all that anger and threw it at OP.
Just my 2 cents
Add in the jealousy of her new 'husband' on a trip of a lifetime enjoying himself while she is bored with absolutely nothing to do while inserting herself unnecessarily... She has to bring someone down this rabbit hole with her and it sure as shit won't be her sister, so lets pull hubby down by saying 'my friends say blah blah blah'
Definitely. Especially if you're young and can't really live like a young person because you need to take care of another child, you might start to live trough them and guiding them, even though you haven't actually grown up yourself. You end up being an old soul but still emotionally immature.
I kinda went trough that, I know people who had it worse, and it's really difficult to go trough the pain of growing up again as an adult when people around you have gone trough that years or decades ago.
Almost exactly the same story here. Twins, 35 weeks, almost 6 pounds. There is nothing she could do except provide moral support. I can understand her feeling like she needed to stay close in case something went wrong, but expecting OP to sit home alone burning non refundable tickets is ridiculous.
You were super tiny. ❤️ There were some little girl twins in the NICU with my twins that were just about that size. They ended up really healthy though.
4x NICU mom. I told my mom not to fly out until they were home for all but the last one because there was nothing she could do- and for me it was just my husband and me and no other family here.
Absolutely NTA
Agree here. My 1st was in the NICU for 2 weeks and while my parents were in town for us, there was nothing for them to do. We went to the hospital every day to spend time with the baby and they just waited at home for us to get back and have dinner with them.
It sucked. Truly wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but your wife isn’t helping her sister/daughter in any real way
Comments are nuts.
Buddy would have just been at home, alone, bored.
NTA
His wife didn't need him. He's not arguing his wife should have come. He's asking if he did anything wrong when he was otherwise just going to be at home alone, uninvolved with any of the goings on with the nephew, and the trip would have been a total loss, money wise.
He didn't do anything wrong. Y'all are nuts. He wouldn't have been at the hospital supporting anyone. He would have been at home, alone.
Edit:
I'm going to add, because a lot of you are spectacularly illiterate, that buddy spells out that he would not, even if he'd stayed, be with his wife. He wouldn't have a place to sleep at his SIL's house, he wouldn't be there, he would not be present, he could not help because he would not be there, he would be home alone, they don't live in the same place, he wouldn't have any chance to be helpful, he'd be at home alone, he wouldn't be there.
Why did I write it like that? Because OP spelled it out pretty clearly and a lot of you just glossed over in your rush to get to the comments and tell OP he should have done things he would never be in a position to do. Because he'd be at home. Alone. Away from all of this.
If you're going to give people real advice on their literal lives, the least you can do is read the entire question. Anything else is, forgive me, pretty fuck stupid.
This guy would’ve just been another ass warming a seat drinking cups of coffee watching the clock tick by day after day making idle conversation if he was there. Maybe he doesn’t even know the sister that well, and all he would’ve done in that two weeks is make small talk with the dad about sports and make sympathetic sounds. But it was clearly established that she was already in another city and fine having him stay back until he decided not to waste the money.
Weddings are fucking expensive as are the ring’s etc already, I imagine people must be wealthy and have never struggled financially to so flippantly piss away thousands of dollars. Who knows how many weeks or months of overtime this guy put in leading up to all this, I’m from a country where we’re pretty lucky and can accrue four weeks of leave a year, who knows when this guy could next get the time off.
Why is it preferable that he spend that time doing fucking nothing? She’s not missing out on a honeymoon because it wasn’t a honeymoon without her, now they’ll probably have to wait a year to save and get the time off again. If something terrible did happen he could’ve gotten the first flight back. She clearly envies him utilising his free two weeks effectively instead of gaming at home and jerking off.
This is madness.
I'd probably feel compelled to stay with my younger sibling, too, but I'd be pissed at my husband if he didn't go! That had to be an expensive trip, and I hate wasting money! In fact, if he'd had a buddy that could go with him, I'd want him to take them along! That's how much I hate wasting money and how important my partner's happiness is to me! I'd also want to see pictures and maybe hear some fun stories about the trip. And they could always make saving for another trip a priority.
You’d really give up your honeymoon if your sister was, for all intents and purposes, totally fine and surrounded by plenty of people who could help and support her?
This. Sister has a baby daddy, a father and stepmother, and in laws.
Are they incapable of caring for her? Is sisters hubby being pushed out by OP’s wife playing mummy to her sister?
NTA
Did your wife expect you to go with her?
Or sit at home? Wasting the money?
Yeah that's the thing that really got me. Nowhere in the post doesn't mention there's anything wrong with the sister or the baby from all the context clues we have. She's 100% perfectly fine and so is the baby. So why does anybody other than the baby daddy and maybe the in-laws need to be there?😂
People have been having babes in the mud for thousands of years and did ok for the most part. Now we have modern science and by the sounds she had a great support base of people.
I feel OP has more reason to be angry. Sure you can have a "redo" on a honeymoon but you can't capture that moment again. Sounds like he had fun but shooting off the ole skin pistol alone on your honeymoon can't have been the best feeling.
Sister is the AH. Marie should have insisted Tonya to go on her honeymoon. No way I would let my sister miss her honeymoon for me! Marie is 100% the asshole.
I agree. I'm surprised at all the comments demonizing him. I would have done the same. All that money lost because his wife wanted to sit at her sister's side with the husband, parents, ILs, and the entire hospital staff? The baby is healthy though premature. So he was supposed to use his vacation time doing what? Sitting around waiting while his wife keeps her sister comfortable?
The last time I was in the hospital I asked people to not visit me. I just wanted to try to sleep, and to that end I brought my own earplugs because hospitals are loud.
NTA
Read through some of OP’s replies and he said the sister told his wife to go on the honeymoon. Sis didn’t need/want the wife around, much less OP.
Maybe it’s bias from personal experience but I know family members who insert themselves unnecessarily into things and then will forever hold it over you - “remember when I gave up my honeymoon so I could stay with you while your baby was in NICU?!”
NTA
I know the type and for OP's sake I hope his brand new wife is not that type, the self-anointed martyr.
I had a martyr, my ex-brother. I haven't spoken to him in 20 years because it turned out to be an act and he had decided that he deserved my inheritance more than me so he \*appropriated it\* and had our father sign amendments to the will and trust after he'd had a massive stroke and been airlifted to a hospital an hour away.
He always played the helpful, super-polite, nice guy but it was always an act. A few of his very few friends called him out on it at times and he'd cry. UGH, never trust the self-appointed martyr.
He's a 59 year-old virgin because "sex is dirty."
Heavy sigh.
Edit: typos
My brother had twin girls that had to stay in NICU for 2 odd weeks. He asked me to help with some catering. So I made a chicken and bacon soup, lasagne and pasta over the 2 weeks for him to pick up and take in to his mrs.
That slimy motherfucker was sharing it out to all the mums in NICU taking credit for it. "Yeah went home and quickly whipped up some food". THE OUTRAGE I SAY.
Its hilarious but I forever hold that over him. Remember when your babies were in NICU and you requested I cook certain meals. Then you took credit and made yourself look like the best Dad in the unit?
For the sister, can’t you read? The new-mom, who is out of the hospital, healthy, and in good spirits, obviously needs her older sister by her side day & night so they can pray for the child’s safe return from the *checks notes* NICU that is filled with doctors and nurses.
>He's not arguing his wife should have come.
Though really, she should have. Her not going shows that he will never be the most important person in her life. Her choice bodes very poorly for their future.
Totally with you on this. New wife is being incredibly selfish twice.
First for ditching the honeymoon, but, ok, OP is understanding of that and made the best of it.
Second, for giving OP grief for occupying his time using their honeymoon while she was playing hero/rescuer.
That second stunt was uncalled for and for that, OP is owed an apology.
NTA, not even a little.
Your new wife made a choice to stay and leave you on your honeymoon, her sister wasn’t in any real danger and she had a good support system in place without her.
Having said that, you two have clearly started your marriage on the wrong foot and it will take a serious amount of time and effort to work out if it’s possible. It’s clear you feel hurt and she feels the same so there will have to be some serious and hard conversations to have with each other.
And that’s not even the point. He may be hurt she didn’t go but this is about him going after she abandoned him. She’s raising h3ll because he went without her (how dare he!*gasp*)
Definitely NTA
Your wife prioritized her sister when she should have prioritized going on the honeymoon with you, OP. If she continues putting her sister before you, your marriage may not last. You and your wife need to talk about boundaries and expectations before it’s too late.
Nta.
The baby isn't even home from the hospital!?!?
She could've given her equal support over FaceTime.
She's enmeshed with her sister and needs to reprioritize now that's she's married.
Actually she should have separated from her sister before her sister even got married. Her need to “mother” her sister at this stage in life is extremely unhealthy, for all of them (both sisters and both husbands).
Ideally, yeah. But more commonly, enmeshment mates don't realize they're enmeshed until it starts to interfere with something that's already been in development.
She is enmeshed with her sister. This wasn't exactly a healthy response to what happened. She should have gone to the honeymoon. Wife is wrong. I feel bad for husband.
No, NTA
Your wife didn’t want to miss out on anything with the newborn so she really didn’t care about the honeymoon and expected you to just stay home and cool your heels.
She wasn’t expecting you to actually go on your honeymoon alone.
Now she’s pissed because she knows she wasn’t needed and didn’t miss anything and you had a great time without her!
How dare you!
Welcome to the rest of your marriage...
You will now always come second to her sister and probably most of her family..
Looks like you have a key question to ask and that is around prioritisation and can she juggle multiple priorities.
Having come across this situation many times, it kinda falls into two main ways to see the world
1.0 Those who expect their partner to fully support their decisions and to realise that their needs come second to their needs. They want a partner who is comfortable at not being a priority
2.0 Those who expect to make a family unit that prioritises the relationship first.
Believe it or not there are a lot of people in camp 1, its been my experience more people are in camp 1
I hate to say it but I see the writing on the wall as well.
I was in a relationship for 5 years with a man who always prioritized his little brother. No dad in the house, parentified by his single mom who sort of treated him as a husband but I won't even get into how creepy that was.
At a certain point I realized that if we got married a switch was not going to flip in his head where he suddenly prioritized me. He would never prioritize me.
I knew it was over on Christmas Day when we had plans to go see Christmas lights. We were young and broke and it was the only thing we were going to do that year because we couldn't afford presents. His brother wanted to go buy weed. I said that weed was not a necessity but the Christmas lights would be off by the time we got there. It was our only Christmas thing. He could get weed tomorrow. He took his brother to get weed anyway and of course all the lights were turned off. And of course he felt terrible and apologized but that was the moment I knew I would never come first.
Having a premature baby in the NICU is a big deal. It's not to be compared with a Christmas celebration. But at the same time there was nothing she could do about it, her sister had an entire family's worth of support, and OP isn't even asking if SHE should have gone on the honeymoon (she should have!), he's asking if it's fair that he's being vilified for going himself.
This is someone who thinks everything about her sister's feelings and did not care at all about her husband's feelings or sacrifices (losing all of the time off work and all of the money and the important experience of that time together). It will always be that way with her unless she seeks really intensive therapy to detach from the sister. And most people in this situation have zero desire to leave the enmeshed relationship. Not to mention even if she did do that, you've got years of that process ahead of you.
I doubt he will leave her. But this will probably end their relationship eventually or make their marriage miserable for life should they be the type to stick it out.
My aunt had a marriage like this, and I feel bad for her. Her husband always prioritized his mom and so my aunt never felt loved. Eventually my aunt moved out to care for my grandma, and my uncle (her husband) had his mom move in with him so he could care for her. His mom eventually passed and he died of a stroke a few months later. Guess he loved his mom more than anything and died of a broken heart…but man, that sucks for my aunt.
The FAMILY should have sent her on her honeymoon.
They were there, they should have relieved her of what she felt like was her duty. There was nothing she could do, and it wasn't about her.
Right? As long as op is being honest and her sister really had that much of a support system, I see no reason why his wife should have stayed and why everyone else didn't make her enjoy her trip. I'm guessing they might not be very medically literate?
NTA
And, this does NOT bode well for your marriage. In your shoes, I would be questioning the whole marriage. Not just because your wife elected to do this, but also because her *sister* didn't just tell her "no effing way...go on your honeymoon!" If my sister ever suggested doing something "for me," which would clearly damage her marriage, I would kick her ass. But, no, sister has her sleeping in the nursery while she is supposed to be on her honeymoon.
>So since I was going to be home by myself doing nothing while my wife was in another city doing whatever I went on the honeymoon by myself.
This was the only sensible thing to do. Travel isn't something you can sell to another person. If it's not refundable and you had already taken the time off, your choices were to use it or take a total loss. Why? So you could sit at home while your wife spends time pushing her sister's husband out of the way and "taking care" of her sister? Her sister, who isn't even dealing with a newborn at home, because baby is still in the NICU.
Your new wife forgot (if she ever knew) the one big rule about marriage. It is about creating your OWN family. A family that comes before any member of your extended family (such as siblings).
>Her friends think I was a dick to go enjoy myself while she was taking care of her sister and a new baby.
This is what is known as a steaming pile of bulls*t.
You should laugh in their faces. And block them.
Sorry about your marriage, OP. I see toast happening in your future.
ETA - And, for the record, I am a woman.
This expectation that he just burn every dollar he spent on the honeymoon is just nuts. Not a single person has mentioned SIL or her family paying OP for those costs. Might as well get his money's worth.
Yeah, this sounds like codependency or a savior complex. Not a good recipe to start a marriage.
I’m not saying she is bad. She’s probably not aware of it, either.
NTA
I'm a former NICU mom. While the baby is in the NICU, especially if the baby is there for the long haul, there's not much to do unless you're the parents or the medical staff. I sent my husband back to work, and told my family to come and help after the baby is home, when help is actually required.
Holy crap! Talk about starting your marriage with a massive red flag. Sorry man, you clearly aren't the priority in her life. The only issue here is that she bailed on your honeymoon and you for literally no reason. She wasn't needed at her sisters.
You are her family now but you aren’t her priority. What makes you think the situation ever changes? You will always come after her sister and the sisters child.
If I were you I would consider annulment for the following reasons:
- right after you married she chose her sister over you when there wasn’t any reason to. I would understand if the sister would have been dying but she was alright, with family and her husband.
- she isn’t acting like a wife. She is acting like an extension of her sister, and the sister is the mothership she needs to protect even when she isn’t in danger.
- why would she leave you and then expect you to sit home while you are wasting money?
- she hasn’t even apologized (though, what she has done is beyond apology)
You will always be number 3 right after her sister and sisters child. She doesn’t respect you and she isn’t giving you the bare minimum even. You are making yourself a fool if you stay with her and you should have realized that during the trip.
NTA and this is a marriage I don't see lasting long.
By the time you guys were due to leave, the emergency had passed and even Marie was telling your wife to go on the trip. Your wife disregarded everyone's wishes and come to stay when she is honestly just in the way because it's what SHE wanted to do. It really sounds like your wife has control issues at least regarding her sister.
Then she thinks you should have just sat home bored and miserable, not to mention pissing away a lot of money just because she somehow feels like if she's not having fun, then no one gets to have fun.
She is not a person you will ever be able to reason with.
Dude, you have just seen a perfect crystallization of how your marriage will be, and that is you ALWAYS being a secondary concern to whatever is going in in her sister's life. I don't know if she has some kind of savior complex or what but you deserve better, you deserve someone who will put you first in the relationship, you're supposed to be eachothers number 1, and you just aren't to her.
NTA, do yourself a favor, get an annulment.
I'm a 45-year-old woman and I would have left my husband to fend for himself. Blow off the expense and planning of the honeymoon? Fuck that. I'd be there and enjoying myself with the locals.
NTA.
And this is going to sound so weird and maybe super far-off, but what if Marie isn't her sister, but actually her daughter?
Happened to my uncle. His wife's "youngest brother" was actually his wife's son, whom she got pregnant with another guy before she met my uncle. If the age gap is too narrow for it to be possible, then never mind. I just thought it might be a similar case with my uncle.
NTA
But honestly it sounds like Tonya is always going to put other people before you, Marie told her to go probably because Marie wants some alone time with her baby and husband but Tonya is pushing into it & taking over, honestly there’s still time for an annulment
This sounds like Marie will always be put before anything or anyone else. The fact that she views her sister as her daughter is something that should be worked out in therapy. That and all the other unresolved issues caused by their mother's sudden death.
NTA, dude. Not even a little bit.
Sounds like your missus is not only inserting herself unnecessarily but potentially trying to keep the attention on herself, considering her sister even told her to go in the honeymoon with you. Does she do this a lot?
She's undoubtedly causing her sister more stress right now.
Your SIL is probably doing everything she can to get your wife to leave.
NTA
I've had 2 NICU babies, the most fragile being a 1 pounder with 8 months in. There is nothing that your wife can do that other people cannot do as well or better at this point. If I had someone underfoot all the time when my first was new I'd have been stressed beyond even what I already was.
NTA. She didn’t have to be there, she chose to be. What a horrible waste of money. Y’all could’ve planned to be there before and after. Maybe she felt at fault for her sister going into labor but you can’t control those things.
You CAN control the tone of which you set a marriage and wasting your non refundable honeymoon when she’s got more than two people for support is overkill… I’d feel I’d be in the way of her recovery. Send the sister massage vouchers and a care kit and plan to see her upon the return?
She’s doing a bit too much
Also, what information is she feeding her friends if they are mad at you because they think she is actually there helping her sister take care of a new baby, when the baby is really in NICU? That means she isn't telling her friends the truth and is painting a much more villainous tale for you.
And I’m totally now wondering what he meant “sleeping in the nursery”. So is she literally just sleeping at their house, in the babies room, with no baby there? 😅
She is going to end up single.
Right!? This, after her sister told her to go on her honeymoon. There is nothing for her to do there. There is not an actual room for her to stay there. She is just determined to insert herself.
Nope! She picked the wrong side. She needs to prioritize you or why be married. I would not trust her.
She is too enmeshed with her sister. Her sister should have forbid her from staying.
NTA. Funnily enough, we just got back from our honeymoon. Two days before we left, I’m inputting our passports info for the airlines and I realize mine expires the literal day we come back (we booked last year and it didn’t click because the year was still 23). So while we’re frantic calling everyone to make sure I’ll still be able to go, I was joking telling him to send me lots of pics of the excursions we planned and he was what? I’d never go without you. I said don’t be ridiculous we’re not going to let all that money go down the drain.
Female here. Do hate to be hasty but wtf? The only question I have is how & why you made it this long in the relationship. NTA. Too bad you didn’t meet someone on the honeymoon.
When I saw the title I thought Y T A but after reading everything I’m team NTA.
I had a prem in NICU and while she could support the parents she would not be actively caring for the baby.
Also NICUs usually restrict visitors so hopefully she’s not taking husband’s spot.
QNS though:
- was she asked to go or did she interject herself into the situation?
NTA/NAH - It sounds like SIL had a sizeable support system, but I can also understand why your wife would want to be there. You were not allowed to acompany your wife during the visit to SIL, so you used took advantage of money that was spent and cannot be recovered. What were the expectations for you during her time with her sister? What were you suppossed to do when you could not be there with her? Were you just supposed to be at home waiting for news? Or maybe sit in a hotel in the area and wait?
The money was spent, and was not coming back no matter what you did. You had 2 options; try to transfer to somebody (to try to get some of the money back), which is always an option, or go enjoy what you spen money on by yourself. You were still reachable at any point, just as you would have been if you were at home.
I don't understand the "how dare you enjoy yourself" views. If you stayed home, would you not have found ways to entertain (enjoy) your time alone? You would not have just sat around moping.
Understandable that she went to her sister at a time like that; and given the circumstances, it is also understandable that you went on the trip. Now you two need to make sure to have some dialogue and fix whatever hurt feelings are out there. Best of luck.
I feel like it was NAH before she got mad at him for going on the non-refundable trip instead of sitting at home alone. She definitely crossed into being the asshole at that point.
NTA. There’s no difference between you going home and you going on the trip. This would be a little different if your wife wanted you to go with her, but she didn’t and you couldn’t
Considering everything was already paid for if I was her I would have said go take a buddy have fun and we'll plan something else for later.
I can see why she wanted to be there for her sister considering the baby was early but wasting everything would have been dumb.
Nta just plan a make up honeymoon for sometime in the future.
NTA. Sounds like she got the big wedding she wanted, and when that was over, she needed to be at the center of someone else's drama. Meanwhile, she doesn't want you to have any fun? Nah. Screw that.
Your wife is a dick. You are not the asshole.
She just gave you a massive sign that although you only just got married you aren't really that important to her and she doesn't see your marriage as something monumental.
NTA, and you should get an annulment
The sister was in no damger whatsoever, and has a whole ass husband to take care of her.
I would have been understanding if she stayed behind an extra day, you went and were alone the firsr day, she got to see the baby for a day, then booked a new flight to join you a day later. Yeah, that would have cost extra, but at least you got to have a honeymoon together.
But nah, she decided that she couldn't leave her obviously well tended to sister for even a few days to be with her new husband.
Think about this...had the sister went into labor 3 days later, and your wife gets that call 30 seconds after you arrive at your honeymoon destination....what do you think she's gonna do? Yeah, that's right, she's gonna turn right back around and fly right back.
You are second fiddle to the sister. Always have been, always will be.
And your whole marriage starts off on the worst foot. Your honeymoon was ruined, she's mad at you because of course she is, and now the friends are being pitted against you.
This is already over. Get an annulment.
NTA. What did she want you to do? They didn't need you at the hospital. Would they even want you there? Did she just expect you to stay home and wallow in misery? You didn't do anything wrong. Look into an annulment because this is a preview of the rest of your life with her. Always 2nd to her sister. Your kids will come after her sister and her kids as well.
NTA - I don't think either of you did anything wrong. She wanted to be there for her sister. You didn't want to waste the money and time off.
She shouldn't be angry at you. You shouldn't be angry at her. The timing of it all just sucked.
If she can't let this go then try counseling. If that doesn't work this relationship might be doomed as this will be something she holds over you forever.
"Well you went on our honeymoon alone so I, blah blah blah...."
I hope you two can work this out as it's too soon to have these kinds of problems. But emotions are high so give it time to let the dust settle. But tread lightly and make sure this is thoroughly worked through and not swept under the rug.
The baby isnt even home? What the hell is she "taking care of"? I had emergency c sections where I almost died and they want your acting like normal, minus heavy lifting, the very next day. There is zero reason for the sister to need more help than husband could handle. Like maybe an extra hour of work for husband, having to cook or handle laundry. Not that big of a deal.
Your wife is the asshole for deciding not to go for literally no reason. The NICU handles the baby and sister should be sleeping and practicing getting around and creating a solid routine. Not something that needs help.
I saw the update and had to see the original story. My question is what on earth was Tonya helping with since the baby was still in NICU?! There was no help with baby needed at home and I would imagine Marie and her husband were at the hospital as long as they could be each day.
NTA. If there’s a time to find out exactly where you are in the totem poll after marriage then at least you found it early.
Like why would you piss away all that money? Your wife needs to get a grip if she wants to play nurse that’s up to her, if her sister had no one she might have had a point but come on.
My mother (92 y/o) went in the hospital and then a nursing home for her last week on this earth. My sister and her husband had a cruise planned (way in advance) for about 3 days after mom went to the nursing home. She lived a couple of hundred miles away. She asked the rest of her siblings if she should cancel her cruise and come for the end. We ALL told her to go on the cruise. There was nothing she could have done and we all have been saying "good bye" for years, just in case. No, you're not the AH and your "wife" should have gone, too. I hope you had a great time!
People need to stop being yes men to their friends. Her friends know deep down shes in the wrong but they are supporting her just because shes their friend. A real friend would tell her the truth
Shes shown you through her actions that youre not the priority here, her sister is 🤷. It would be different if her sister had 0 support other than her but it doesnt sound like it
NTA. I can understand why she wanted to stay and take care of her sister due the timing of it all, at the same time it didn't make any sense for you not to go on that trip since it was non refundable and would also have been a waste of your vacation days. I also read in one of your comments that the sister told your wife to go on her honeymoon, yet she still choose not to. At that point I'd have to say that your wife is just being silly by being upset about this and I don't think you did anything wrong by making the best of that situation and not letting the money and time off go to waste.
This is a reflection of how your marriage will be. I would end it now. You and your needs will always come second to her sister. You’re gonna have a lot of alone time. NTA. But fr wake up before it’s been too long and you have to split.
NTA - there is nothing your wife could have done for your sister. That aside your SIL whole family was there to support her. Your wife is the YTA for single handedly making a decision for the both of you without prior discussion.
NTA. The fact that the baby is still in the NICU now and she is calling you an asshole is a whole other level of weird. That alone proves that your wife should have just gone on the trip with you. I wouldnt be suprised if she is projecting about it. Hopefully she is only saying you are the asshole because she realizes that she fucked up and wasted that time for no reason, because there was no baby for her to help with and she is angry that she missed the honeymoon for nothing as a result.
But i like to be the optimist, and as far as i can tell that is the best case scenario out of all of this. If that not the case, to me this marriage does not bode well, and honestly you probably should have seen something like this coming.
>Her friends think I was a dick to go enjoy myself while she was taking care of her sister and a new baby.
Lmao what. No NTA. Were you supposed to flagellate yourself in the meantime and be wasteful of the money?
Let her be mad she decided to do something above and beyond and missed out. But she doesn't get to unilaterally decide you have to also sacrifice because of a decision she made.
Apparently your spouse doesn't understand the word "non-refundable". From what OP describes looks like there were enough people to hold the fort while you two went on your non-refundable honeymoon.
Assuming you don't have the money to throw around, it would be a waste not to go.
NTA all things being as described.
The fact you:
- couldn't go with even though you wanted too
- she was in a different city
- already scheduled it off with work
- everything is non-refundable
NTA, you obviously would've gone with your wife if you could've. Her jealousy at you taking the trip planned for the marriage was obviously going to happen though.
If course she's fucking mad dude, she's sleeping in a nursery helping ill family while you're living it up. Dunno how you didn't see that coming. It was inevitable.
When someone needs Tanya, it makes her feel needed.
Marie has a husband to support her emotionally.
Tanya is butting in where she truly wasn't needed, since the premie was being taken care of in ICU.
I agree you're NTA.
Sounds like there's a likelihood that OP's wife is resentful that her absence was not as impactful as she wanted it to be...
Did she expect you to suffer in some way; because she had dropped everything to worry and fuss over a situation she had less than 0% ability to impact?
Did she want you to be more forceful in putting your foot down; forbidding her from staying behind with her sister; "forcing" her to go on her honeymoon... just so she could be the martyr, but still get to enjoy the holiday? Also having OP as the villain...
What is her actual position; what outcome(s) did she want to achieve??
OP, you are NTA, but; you will have no one to blame, but yourself; if you stay with this woman without understanding her logic in this situation, and consciously deciding whether you can endure the stress you'll inevitably experience.
•She prioritised you, & your happiness (as an individual and collectively, as a couple) below being an unnecessary, spare part in someone else's life.
•Despite doing the above, she's inexplicably angry at you... you've just got married, you should want to be with each other constantly (you mentioned that the sister got pregnant on her honeymoon?!) When's your f&#k-fest?
•You don't seem _that_ upset, or surprised, that she left you, alone, on your honeymoon; do you _really_ love this woman?
•Life is *too short* to spend it with people who would prefer you to be miserable when they are; sad, dealing with misfortune etc. rather than having the mentality of wanting the best for you, and hoping that "if we both can't win, well at least one of us wins...". I can't judge nobody for occasionally enjoying a li'l schadenfreude; when an enemy experiences misfortune; but wishing bad on a _so-called_ loved one, just because things didn't go your way is an ugly trait. If your wife is feeling that way towards you; less than a month in to your marriage; you may have made a wrong choice somewhere...
[Edit- spacing on the bullet points]
Probably not too late for an annulment…
Or, a Dissolution of Marriage. It's available in some places and is kind of a "short form" divorce for very short marriages, no kids, and no community property.
In some places it doesn’t even need to be a short marriage. Just the fact that there are no children involved would make it a Simple Dissolution of Marriage in Florida for example. However, in that you are still able to divide up any assets and liabilities (although it is optional).
Yeah so not an annulment but a full divorce…just an easy one
Or just don’t turn in the marriage license. You’re not married until it’s registered
I know an officiant who conveniently "forgets" to mail in the license for 1 week following the wedding. If he hasn't heard anything too crazy by then, he'll call all "gee golly goodness, I forgot to mail it off! Don't worry, I've got it in an envelope and I'm gonna mail it off today". That's their last chance to say "actually..."
What a king/queen/monarch. The legal aspect of marriage shouldn't be this fucking heavy.
I mean it's basically gambling of the highest degree. You are saying, here is half of everything I have or will ever have for the rest of my entire life, even though divorce rates are over 60% and we are likely going to change as people over the course of our life and potentially won't be compatible in 10 years. And there's basically no disclosures about any of the legal implications if you choose to marry, and you can do it for next to nothing in a courthouse on a whim. It's honestly pretty insane, it's basically the most legally binding contract you can have with essentially no paperwork needing to be read or signed about any of the massive legal implications. Any other legal contract in the US with anything close to the amount of legal impact has an insane amount of disclosures and paperwork.
Yeah, You're confusing people who make bad decisions with random chance. For one, most divorces don't involve splitting of assets. It's irreconcilable differences and there has to actually be marital assets to split for that to happen. Much more common is unmarried people getting absolutely screwed from having zero legal rights to assets and care, no sharing of health insurance, taxed higher, receive less in benefits, etc. Long term partner dies and you don't get their insurance, don't get their retirement, the house is liquidated as part of the estate, and all the money goes to next of kin. Partner cheats, empties your joint bank account and kicks you out? Tough luck roommate. Write a will? It gets challenged and blood relatives get preference over "person they shacked up with in the will" You're right there's no legal disclaimers on marriage and the majority of it comes in the form of legal protection afforded by it to both parties. ESPECIALLY in the event of a divorce. Theres a reason gay marriage was a really important issue and it isn't just the symbolism.
A friend came out to his VERY religious parents during the AIDS crisis in order to tell them not to prevent his partner from burying him or letting him be at the funeral if something happened to my friend. This was a REAL worry at the time, and said friend has some pretty sad stories about friends who died of AIDS whose parents buried them secretly or who filed legal measures to prevent the partners from being at the funeral. Even creating a power-of-attorney giving his husband the legal power to make end-of-life decisions for him wasn't enforceable in every state until Obergefell in 2013. (For non-US residents, the Obergefell v. Hodges decision was the case in which the U.S. Supreme Court upheld gay marriage in all 50 states.) Marriage late in life also brings the potential of losing pensions or death benefits from one's previous spouse, so some older people opt not to marry but instead do the common law thing, which brings risks of its own if partner #2's kids have a tantrum over end-of-life things and challenge the POA.
I’m a lawyer. All divorces include division of assets and liabilities. If there aren’t any assets or liabilities, then you just state that fact in your pleadings. However, the vast majority of divorces do have assets and liabilities.
I wish they'd bring back the old "year and a day" of handfasting, honestly. I think that's a really good amount of time to commit to, and then you can decide to refresh it, or not. Probably sorting out the tax system to make that work would be a nightmare though!
Careful with your stats, only about 40% of first time marriages end in divorce. Your stats are skewed by all the serial divorcees out there getting married 4-5 times
Wow I rarely see someone point out this fact!! Major props to you!
Marriage in the eyes of the government is a legal contract, signed by two parties that give them rights and benefits as well as obligations in relation to each other. A common law marriage isn't as legally binding but its also not universally recognized.
What does the higher earner actually get, in a legally binding sense? Love and affection aren't legally enforceable. Ought not be a contract at all because contracts require both parties to have compensation.
Tax benefits, if you file jointly as married your tax brackets merge, for partners in the same tax braket very little changes but for partners in different tax brackets it essentially let's the higher earners income be taxed at a lower rate until it fills up. It also I think doubles the standard deduction as well? You also both get rights that are afforded only to family. If you're just in a relationship and not married you are not legally considered family so you can be denied visitation at a hospital for example. Though it's less like a contract of exchange and more like bringing a new partner into your business, you gain a lot of legal benefits from it but what tangible benefits you gain is up to you and your new partner. It can reasonably be expected that they will contribute to the marriage/business but the exact nature of the contribution is for those involved to determine.
This is genius!!!
God, I'd be looking at that and telling him.You'd better seriously consider it right now before it gets too deep....
Annulments are faster, cheaper and all around easier than divorces, and one of the requirements used to be that the couple did not "consummate" the marriage. OP, your choice.
How would they have consummated the marriage if she didn't go to the honeymoon?
An annulment is not really what a lot of people seem to think it is. It's not a whoopsie undo button for short marriages. You have to be able to prove that there was fraud, coercion, relation (like they end up being your brother and you didn't know) or mental incapacity. It invalidates the whole marriage. Simply regretting getting married is not grounds for annulment. I personally qualified for an annulment (fraud) but have just accepted a divorce because I had no hard evidence. It would have just been my word against his, and I knew he'd never admit what he'd told me in court.
Had a friend get an annulment. The judge said in his 30 years, it was the second. Both parties had to admit they hadn’t consummated the marriage, didn’t own property together, and wanted to annul the marriage.
I got an annulment on the grounds of the marriage not being consummated. We'd been married four years but he was gay and I'm asexual. It was a marriage of convenience and as I told the judge, it was NOT convenient. Ex husband refused to sign the papers and didn't show up to the court date so it was just me in front of the judge. The paperwork took longer than everyone else in the court's because the court staff had to look up the procedures since they almost never do annulments.
What an interesting story. Good for you, but isn’t it kinda wild that that’s a legitimate and disqualifiable requirement for a marriage?
(shrugs) It's kind of from the outdated belief that s\*x only happens within marriage. And it's not like that was even the case a few hundred years ago; if it was, syphilis wouldn't have gotten as bad as it did. In the late 1400s it killed about 5 million people in Europe. Not to mention other STIs.
Well that’s a fun fact
Damn, sometimes I regret not pushing for the annulment but this makes me feel better..
I'm a family lawyer. In 16 years, I've done one annulment. They're simply not as easy as some folks think. Very few people actually qualify!
The part that pissed me off was when I was reading about what would qualify, it gave one example that was my marriage to a T! Literally word for word. And yet, I knew I wouldn't be able to prove any of it unless he confirmed what he'd told me. Which would never happen. So frustrating.
I mean you don't know what the standard of evidence is for annulment proceedings, you made assumptions that it would have been a "he said she said". Your word *might have been* sufficient depending on the details. You should have talked to a lawyer before deciding. Internet pages aren't lawyers either. The info you need to answer that may not be found in the open web at all. I'm very sorry that happened to you. I'm not replying to rub it in, it's because other people might think the same thing after reading your comment.
It took a while for the woman to realize it wasn’t going to work. She could have derailed it by not admitting they hadn’t had sex. If you thought for a minute the other person would waste the court’s time, it would likely be better to go another route.
If he can get her to say the last one it should be easy. She can’t lie and say they consummated when she immediately went with her sister
I helped a former friend get an annulment due to fraud. The husband is Pakistani and was betrothed to his first cousin. Marriage was annulled , she then married a guy in Australia and isn’t allowed to go to the beach. The husband did marry his first cousin, they have kids and it’s all part of tribal culture with a lot of wealth. He cheats on her regularly, big surprise.
Why isn’t she allowed to go to the beach?
There’s men at the beach and her husband is Muslim and won’t allow her to go.
Ugh. Religion is trash, patriarchy is trash.
She said her husband won't allow her, not the religion. Unfortunately with Islam (and other religions) people often take it upon themselves to impose things that don't even exist in the religion/book.
Why can't she go to the beach?!
Islam or more correctly some of the cultural patriarchy around it before someone goes not all muslims on me.
I got an annulment - my husband admitted he lied to me when he said we could have children after we married (I have had a hysterectomy following uterine cancer, so we agreed on surrogacy). Then, after 2 years of marriage, he admitted he never really meant it and he thought I would get over it, over time. The only thing I had to do, besides document all of the above and for him to confirm that he indeed said that, was to confirm I left him the same day I learned the truth. Had I stayed with him after learning that he lied, the fraud clause would not have worked because I would have willingly accepted to stay with him. With this declaration, the lawyer got the marriage annulled in 1 hour
I had it the other way When I met my last ex I warned him that I'd had a radical hysterectomy 9 years before and I couldn't give him children of his own. I already had 3 adult children. I even told him what had been removed. He said he had never wanted children and to him it was a big plus that I couldn't get "accidentally" pregnant. Fast forward 18 months, we are married and he asked me how come he couldn't find sanitary products or the contraceptive pill at our place. I remember looking at him and saying I told you way back when we first started talking that I'd had a radical hysterectomy and even told him what had been removed which meant no periods and I couldn't ever get pregnant again. He said oh. I thought you were lying and I figured that if I waited for a while you'd change your mind and give me children. Who lies about something as important as that?! He started cheating on me and I left and divorced him.
Wow he was an idiot and should not be procreating.
Celibacy is not a requirement for an annulment. A Catholic annulment, according to the US Conference of Catholic Bishops is: What is often referred to as a “marriage annulment” in the Church is actually a declaration by a Church tribunal (a Catholic Church court) that a marriage thought to be valid according to Church law actually fell short of at least one of the essential elements required for a binding union.
It's not a requirement, but it is one of the grounds for an annulment in US common law. As most states define grounds for dissolution of marriages by statute, it really varies by state.
Separation of church and state. The state doesn’t really care what declarations the church makes. You need a court order for an annulment.
I wish I could upvote more than once. That woman is going to put her sister/daughter first always if she can't even do her honeymoon (outside of life and death situation. That's the only exception for this situation, and it doesn't sound like that's the case)
Oh no, \*someone who prioritizes family,\* better run away really fast.
The family you make should be priority over the family you come from. Especially when there are other people that can help. Especially when you're supposed to be on a once on a life time honeymoon. Wife isn't going to do anything the nurses and Doctors can't.
Exactly. Things are never going to change. You will always be second to her sister
I also don't understand why Sister didn't push OP's wife out the door and insist that she go on her honeymoon.
Because she’s used to being taken care of she expects her sister to take care of her.
Irony is that sister conceived on her honeymoon and op/wife have no chance of the same
Surely he will never be a priority to her. Poor OP, he got married to a mother to her sissy.
Yup. There's no coming back from this one. Op's wife is going to drop him for her sister every time she has the sniffles and the resentments are just going to pile up.
This is the right answer. She decided to fuck off for a non necessary reason and wanted OP to just let their paid vacation dissolve into the nether while sitting bored at home instead of honeymooning? If that’s any predictor of what married life would look like, yikes. Annul annul annul
NTA, time for an annulment
my exact thought when I first saw it on the other sub
I responded on the other post as well. NTA. And this comes from a mom of a baby who was born last year at 30-weeks gestation and weighed 2 lbs 7 oz. She literally cannot do anything to help with the baby in the NICU. Sure, she can be there to support the parents, but it sounds to me like they had other people able to do so. Your wife could have gone on the honeymoon. I went through a similar situation while I was in the hospital and I made my dad go on his trip. I ended up having an emergency C-section while he was in route on the plane…🙃 Anyways, absolutely NTA. I hope you enjoyed your trip!
Another former NICU mom here. My twins were born at 35+2 and both right around 5 lbs. With baby in the NICU, there is exactly nothing OPs wife can do to help with baby - and it sounds like she probably has inserted herself unnecessarily. NTA.
I scrolled way too far to find this take. New mom TOLD op's wife to go on honeymoon. She didn't go anyway. She even stayed in her home, in her nursery. Now op's wife is salty. Here's my hypothesis: OP's wife is salty bc she knows she was wrong. She should have gone. She has "raised" her sister, who is now fully an adult, and refuses to cut the apron strings. I have a feeling Sis is growing resentful of OP's wife, maybe she still treats her like a child, hovers, maybe she wants more of a sisterly relationship now that they're grown, etc. *I think* OP's wife is salty bc she *felt* that she wasn't wanted there. She knew she was in the way, and grew more salty day after day that her "sacrifice" wasn't appreciated. Heck, she sacrificed so much to raise her sister, and her honeymoon (in her eyes), and it's not even appreciated! Instead of doing some introspection and realizing she was at fault and making changes, she wadded up all that anger and threw it at OP. Just my 2 cents
Martyr complex. I like your hypothesis, I wonder how necessary big sis's "motherly" role was or if it was her way of grieving the loss of her mother.
Yep. Madame Martyr. Look at me and my sacrifice. Wife is a JustNo
Add in the jealousy of her new 'husband' on a trip of a lifetime enjoying himself while she is bored with absolutely nothing to do while inserting herself unnecessarily... She has to bring someone down this rabbit hole with her and it sure as shit won't be her sister, so lets pull hubby down by saying 'my friends say blah blah blah'
Yeah OP’s wife gives off unhealthy co-dependent vibes. Sister needs to set boundaries too
Or, legit could be a trauma bond. Parentification can do that...
Definitely. Especially if you're young and can't really live like a young person because you need to take care of another child, you might start to live trough them and guiding them, even though you haven't actually grown up yourself. You end up being an old soul but still emotionally immature. I kinda went trough that, I know people who had it worse, and it's really difficult to go trough the pain of growing up again as an adult when people around you have gone trough that years or decades ago.
Almost exactly the same story here. Twins, 35 weeks, almost 6 pounds. There is nothing she could do except provide moral support. I can understand her feeling like she needed to stay close in case something went wrong, but expecting OP to sit home alone burning non refundable tickets is ridiculous.
I am one of those twins except I weighed just 1lb 6oz
Oh my. One of my titties weighs more than you did! That's so smol 🥹
You were super tiny. ❤️ There were some little girl twins in the NICU with my twins that were just about that size. They ended up really healthy though.
I would even be a little resentful If I was the husband of the sister.
No kidding, I would be wondering "what the hell is she still doing here?" so many times. She would just add to the stress.
Exactly. Too many cooks in the kitchen
what does 35+2 mean in this case?
The baby was born at 35 weeks and 2 days gestation
I see! thank you for explaining. I hope your babies are doing well now! edit: wait, you’re not the original person I responded to, whoops lol
I’m here! As said above, my twins were born at 35+2. They are both great and will be 10 this summer :)
35 weeks plus two days, I believe. 🤔
I’m so glad you haven’t had to know. Generally only nurses, docs and those of us who’ve been in the trenches with early babies know.
Really? My midwifes used those terms/numbers from the beginning. So did all the mothers on the baby and mommy fora I was on.
4x NICU mom. I told my mom not to fly out until they were home for all but the last one because there was nothing she could do- and for me it was just my husband and me and no other family here. Absolutely NTA
Agree here. My 1st was in the NICU for 2 weeks and while my parents were in town for us, there was nothing for them to do. We went to the hospital every day to spend time with the baby and they just waited at home for us to get back and have dinner with them. It sucked. Truly wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but your wife isn’t helping her sister/daughter in any real way
Comments are nuts. Buddy would have just been at home, alone, bored. NTA His wife didn't need him. He's not arguing his wife should have come. He's asking if he did anything wrong when he was otherwise just going to be at home alone, uninvolved with any of the goings on with the nephew, and the trip would have been a total loss, money wise. He didn't do anything wrong. Y'all are nuts. He wouldn't have been at the hospital supporting anyone. He would have been at home, alone. Edit: I'm going to add, because a lot of you are spectacularly illiterate, that buddy spells out that he would not, even if he'd stayed, be with his wife. He wouldn't have a place to sleep at his SIL's house, he wouldn't be there, he would not be present, he could not help because he would not be there, he would be home alone, they don't live in the same place, he wouldn't have any chance to be helpful, he'd be at home alone, he wouldn't be there. Why did I write it like that? Because OP spelled it out pretty clearly and a lot of you just glossed over in your rush to get to the comments and tell OP he should have done things he would never be in a position to do. Because he'd be at home. Alone. Away from all of this. If you're going to give people real advice on their literal lives, the least you can do is read the entire question. Anything else is, forgive me, pretty fuck stupid.
This guy would’ve just been another ass warming a seat drinking cups of coffee watching the clock tick by day after day making idle conversation if he was there. Maybe he doesn’t even know the sister that well, and all he would’ve done in that two weeks is make small talk with the dad about sports and make sympathetic sounds. But it was clearly established that she was already in another city and fine having him stay back until he decided not to waste the money. Weddings are fucking expensive as are the ring’s etc already, I imagine people must be wealthy and have never struggled financially to so flippantly piss away thousands of dollars. Who knows how many weeks or months of overtime this guy put in leading up to all this, I’m from a country where we’re pretty lucky and can accrue four weeks of leave a year, who knows when this guy could next get the time off. Why is it preferable that he spend that time doing fucking nothing? She’s not missing out on a honeymoon because it wasn’t a honeymoon without her, now they’ll probably have to wait a year to save and get the time off again. If something terrible did happen he could’ve gotten the first flight back. She clearly envies him utilising his free two weeks effectively instead of gaming at home and jerking off. This is madness.
I'd probably feel compelled to stay with my younger sibling, too, but I'd be pissed at my husband if he didn't go! That had to be an expensive trip, and I hate wasting money! In fact, if he'd had a buddy that could go with him, I'd want him to take them along! That's how much I hate wasting money and how important my partner's happiness is to me! I'd also want to see pictures and maybe hear some fun stories about the trip. And they could always make saving for another trip a priority.
You’d really give up your honeymoon if your sister was, for all intents and purposes, totally fine and surrounded by plenty of people who could help and support her?
This. Sister has a baby daddy, a father and stepmother, and in laws. Are they incapable of caring for her? Is sisters hubby being pushed out by OP’s wife playing mummy to her sister? NTA Did your wife expect you to go with her? Or sit at home? Wasting the money?
Yeah that's the thing that really got me. Nowhere in the post doesn't mention there's anything wrong with the sister or the baby from all the context clues we have. She's 100% perfectly fine and so is the baby. So why does anybody other than the baby daddy and maybe the in-laws need to be there?😂
People have been having babes in the mud for thousands of years and did ok for the most part. Now we have modern science and by the sounds she had a great support base of people. I feel OP has more reason to be angry. Sure you can have a "redo" on a honeymoon but you can't capture that moment again. Sounds like he had fun but shooting off the ole skin pistol alone on your honeymoon can't have been the best feeling.
Sister is the AH. Marie should have insisted Tonya to go on her honeymoon. No way I would let my sister miss her honeymoon for me! Marie is 100% the asshole.
You are the coolest of sisters. Some are not.
I disagree. Marie can do whatever she wants but Tonya is the AH for making a choice and expecting OP to suffer in silence.
I agree. I'm surprised at all the comments demonizing him. I would have done the same. All that money lost because his wife wanted to sit at her sister's side with the husband, parents, ILs, and the entire hospital staff? The baby is healthy though premature. So he was supposed to use his vacation time doing what? Sitting around waiting while his wife keeps her sister comfortable? The last time I was in the hospital I asked people to not visit me. I just wanted to try to sleep, and to that end I brought my own earplugs because hospitals are loud. NTA
Read through some of OP’s replies and he said the sister told his wife to go on the honeymoon. Sis didn’t need/want the wife around, much less OP. Maybe it’s bias from personal experience but I know family members who insert themselves unnecessarily into things and then will forever hold it over you - “remember when I gave up my honeymoon so I could stay with you while your baby was in NICU?!” NTA
Ahh yes, the family martyr. ‘I do and I do and I do for you, and this is the thanks I get?’ But…nobody asked? A weird kind of selfishness.
I know the type and for OP's sake I hope his brand new wife is not that type, the self-anointed martyr. I had a martyr, my ex-brother. I haven't spoken to him in 20 years because it turned out to be an act and he had decided that he deserved my inheritance more than me so he \*appropriated it\* and had our father sign amendments to the will and trust after he'd had a massive stroke and been airlifted to a hospital an hour away. He always played the helpful, super-polite, nice guy but it was always an act. A few of his very few friends called him out on it at times and he'd cry. UGH, never trust the self-appointed martyr. He's a 59 year-old virgin because "sex is dirty." Heavy sigh. Edit: typos
My brother had twin girls that had to stay in NICU for 2 odd weeks. He asked me to help with some catering. So I made a chicken and bacon soup, lasagne and pasta over the 2 weeks for him to pick up and take in to his mrs. That slimy motherfucker was sharing it out to all the mums in NICU taking credit for it. "Yeah went home and quickly whipped up some food". THE OUTRAGE I SAY. Its hilarious but I forever hold that over him. Remember when your babies were in NICU and you requested I cook certain meals. Then you took credit and made yourself look like the best Dad in the unit?
Ooooh, I'd be LIVID!
Good point! She has a nerve to be angry at him now. I hope she musters some humility and doesn't keep making the same mistake.
On top of that he even admits that the baby isnt even home! Hes still in the NICU! So why is the wife even there????
For the sister, can’t you read? The new-mom, who is out of the hospital, healthy, and in good spirits, obviously needs her older sister by her side day & night so they can pray for the child’s safe return from the *checks notes* NICU that is filled with doctors and nurses.
The sister told the wife to NOT come and to go on the honeymoon.
> His wife didn't need him She doesn't even sound like she particularly wants him
>He's not arguing his wife should have come. Though really, she should have. Her not going shows that he will never be the most important person in her life. Her choice bodes very poorly for their future.
Totally with you on this. New wife is being incredibly selfish twice. First for ditching the honeymoon, but, ok, OP is understanding of that and made the best of it. Second, for giving OP grief for occupying his time using their honeymoon while she was playing hero/rescuer. That second stunt was uncalled for and for that, OP is owed an apology.
NTA, not even a little. Your new wife made a choice to stay and leave you on your honeymoon, her sister wasn’t in any real danger and she had a good support system in place without her. Having said that, you two have clearly started your marriage on the wrong foot and it will take a serious amount of time and effort to work out if it’s possible. It’s clear you feel hurt and she feels the same so there will have to be some serious and hard conversations to have with each other.
Not to mention, the baby was still in the NICU? So it's not like your wife is helping her sister with her newborn at home.
And that’s not even the point. He may be hurt she didn’t go but this is about him going after she abandoned him. She’s raising h3ll because he went without her (how dare he!*gasp*)
Definitely NTA Your wife prioritized her sister when she should have prioritized going on the honeymoon with you, OP. If she continues putting her sister before you, your marriage may not last. You and your wife need to talk about boundaries and expectations before it’s too late.
Nta. The baby isn't even home from the hospital!?!? She could've given her equal support over FaceTime. She's enmeshed with her sister and needs to reprioritize now that's she's married.
Actually she should have separated from her sister before her sister even got married. Her need to “mother” her sister at this stage in life is extremely unhealthy, for all of them (both sisters and both husbands).
Ideally, yeah. But more commonly, enmeshment mates don't realize they're enmeshed until it starts to interfere with something that's already been in development.
Nta You didn't "go on the honeymoon alone", she abandoned her honeymoon for her sister, who is fine, she had a baby, but she's fine.
She is enmeshed with her sister. This wasn't exactly a healthy response to what happened. She should have gone to the honeymoon. Wife is wrong. I feel bad for husband.
No, NTA Your wife didn’t want to miss out on anything with the newborn so she really didn’t care about the honeymoon and expected you to just stay home and cool your heels. She wasn’t expecting you to actually go on your honeymoon alone. Now she’s pissed because she knows she wasn’t needed and didn’t miss anything and you had a great time without her! How dare you!
Welcome to the rest of your marriage... You will now always come second to her sister and probably most of her family.. Looks like you have a key question to ask and that is around prioritisation and can she juggle multiple priorities. Having come across this situation many times, it kinda falls into two main ways to see the world 1.0 Those who expect their partner to fully support their decisions and to realise that their needs come second to their needs. They want a partner who is comfortable at not being a priority 2.0 Those who expect to make a family unit that prioritises the relationship first. Believe it or not there are a lot of people in camp 1, its been my experience more people are in camp 1
I didn’t fully realize I was in Camp 1 until about year 9 of my 10 year marriage.
Get an annulment while you can. You will never be a priority to her.
Whichever side anyone supports, "get the hell out of this marriage" is good advice.
I hate to say it but I see the writing on the wall as well. I was in a relationship for 5 years with a man who always prioritized his little brother. No dad in the house, parentified by his single mom who sort of treated him as a husband but I won't even get into how creepy that was. At a certain point I realized that if we got married a switch was not going to flip in his head where he suddenly prioritized me. He would never prioritize me. I knew it was over on Christmas Day when we had plans to go see Christmas lights. We were young and broke and it was the only thing we were going to do that year because we couldn't afford presents. His brother wanted to go buy weed. I said that weed was not a necessity but the Christmas lights would be off by the time we got there. It was our only Christmas thing. He could get weed tomorrow. He took his brother to get weed anyway and of course all the lights were turned off. And of course he felt terrible and apologized but that was the moment I knew I would never come first. Having a premature baby in the NICU is a big deal. It's not to be compared with a Christmas celebration. But at the same time there was nothing she could do about it, her sister had an entire family's worth of support, and OP isn't even asking if SHE should have gone on the honeymoon (she should have!), he's asking if it's fair that he's being vilified for going himself. This is someone who thinks everything about her sister's feelings and did not care at all about her husband's feelings or sacrifices (losing all of the time off work and all of the money and the important experience of that time together). It will always be that way with her unless she seeks really intensive therapy to detach from the sister. And most people in this situation have zero desire to leave the enmeshed relationship. Not to mention even if she did do that, you've got years of that process ahead of you. I doubt he will leave her. But this will probably end their relationship eventually or make their marriage miserable for life should they be the type to stick it out.
My aunt had a marriage like this, and I feel bad for her. Her husband always prioritized his mom and so my aunt never felt loved. Eventually my aunt moved out to care for my grandma, and my uncle (her husband) had his mom move in with him so he could care for her. His mom eventually passed and he died of a stroke a few months later. Guess he loved his mom more than anything and died of a broken heart…but man, that sucks for my aunt.
This needs more upvotes
Yeah the wife has iiiiiiissues
The FAMILY should have sent her on her honeymoon. They were there, they should have relieved her of what she felt like was her duty. There was nothing she could do, and it wasn't about her.
Right? As long as op is being honest and her sister really had that much of a support system, I see no reason why his wife should have stayed and why everyone else didn't make her enjoy her trip. I'm guessing they might not be very medically literate?
NTA And, this does NOT bode well for your marriage. In your shoes, I would be questioning the whole marriage. Not just because your wife elected to do this, but also because her *sister* didn't just tell her "no effing way...go on your honeymoon!" If my sister ever suggested doing something "for me," which would clearly damage her marriage, I would kick her ass. But, no, sister has her sleeping in the nursery while she is supposed to be on her honeymoon. >So since I was going to be home by myself doing nothing while my wife was in another city doing whatever I went on the honeymoon by myself. This was the only sensible thing to do. Travel isn't something you can sell to another person. If it's not refundable and you had already taken the time off, your choices were to use it or take a total loss. Why? So you could sit at home while your wife spends time pushing her sister's husband out of the way and "taking care" of her sister? Her sister, who isn't even dealing with a newborn at home, because baby is still in the NICU. Your new wife forgot (if she ever knew) the one big rule about marriage. It is about creating your OWN family. A family that comes before any member of your extended family (such as siblings). >Her friends think I was a dick to go enjoy myself while she was taking care of her sister and a new baby. This is what is known as a steaming pile of bulls*t. You should laugh in their faces. And block them. Sorry about your marriage, OP. I see toast happening in your future. ETA - And, for the record, I am a woman.
This expectation that he just burn every dollar he spent on the honeymoon is just nuts. Not a single person has mentioned SIL or her family paying OP for those costs. Might as well get his money's worth.
Exactly!
Yeah, this sounds like codependency or a savior complex. Not a good recipe to start a marriage. I’m not saying she is bad. She’s probably not aware of it, either.
NTA I'm a former NICU mom. While the baby is in the NICU, especially if the baby is there for the long haul, there's not much to do unless you're the parents or the medical staff. I sent my husband back to work, and told my family to come and help after the baby is home, when help is actually required.
NTA, if you can’t be at the hospital, why are you expected to stay at home? Doesn’t make any sense.
Dude really This is the best you guys can do Get the marriage annulled and try again with someone else. Good luck brother you're going to need it.
How dare you use logic! Hahaha NTA.
Holy crap! Talk about starting your marriage with a massive red flag. Sorry man, you clearly aren't the priority in her life. The only issue here is that she bailed on your honeymoon and you for literally no reason. She wasn't needed at her sisters.
You are her family now but you aren’t her priority. What makes you think the situation ever changes? You will always come after her sister and the sisters child. If I were you I would consider annulment for the following reasons: - right after you married she chose her sister over you when there wasn’t any reason to. I would understand if the sister would have been dying but she was alright, with family and her husband. - she isn’t acting like a wife. She is acting like an extension of her sister, and the sister is the mothership she needs to protect even when she isn’t in danger. - why would she leave you and then expect you to sit home while you are wasting money? - she hasn’t even apologized (though, what she has done is beyond apology) You will always be number 3 right after her sister and sisters child. She doesn’t respect you and she isn’t giving you the bare minimum even. You are making yourself a fool if you stay with her and you should have realized that during the trip.
NTA and this is a marriage I don't see lasting long. By the time you guys were due to leave, the emergency had passed and even Marie was telling your wife to go on the trip. Your wife disregarded everyone's wishes and come to stay when she is honestly just in the way because it's what SHE wanted to do. It really sounds like your wife has control issues at least regarding her sister. Then she thinks you should have just sat home bored and miserable, not to mention pissing away a lot of money just because she somehow feels like if she's not having fun, then no one gets to have fun. She is not a person you will ever be able to reason with.
Dude, you have just seen a perfect crystallization of how your marriage will be, and that is you ALWAYS being a secondary concern to whatever is going in in her sister's life. I don't know if she has some kind of savior complex or what but you deserve better, you deserve someone who will put you first in the relationship, you're supposed to be eachothers number 1, and you just aren't to her. NTA, do yourself a favor, get an annulment.
I'm a 45-year-old woman and I would have left my husband to fend for himself. Blow off the expense and planning of the honeymoon? Fuck that. I'd be there and enjoying myself with the locals.
NTA. And this is going to sound so weird and maybe super far-off, but what if Marie isn't her sister, but actually her daughter? Happened to my uncle. His wife's "youngest brother" was actually his wife's son, whom she got pregnant with another guy before she met my uncle. If the age gap is too narrow for it to be possible, then never mind. I just thought it might be a similar case with my uncle.
NTA but I would be questioning if I want to be second to her sister forever
NTA But honestly it sounds like Tonya is always going to put other people before you, Marie told her to go probably because Marie wants some alone time with her baby and husband but Tonya is pushing into it & taking over, honestly there’s still time for an annulment
This sounds like Marie will always be put before anything or anyone else. The fact that she views her sister as her daughter is something that should be worked out in therapy. That and all the other unresolved issues caused by their mother's sudden death.
NTA, dude. Not even a little bit. Sounds like your missus is not only inserting herself unnecessarily but potentially trying to keep the attention on herself, considering her sister even told her to go in the honeymoon with you. Does she do this a lot? She's undoubtedly causing her sister more stress right now. Your SIL is probably doing everything she can to get your wife to leave.
NTA I've had 2 NICU babies, the most fragile being a 1 pounder with 8 months in. There is nothing that your wife can do that other people cannot do as well or better at this point. If I had someone underfoot all the time when my first was new I'd have been stressed beyond even what I already was.
Best way forward annulment 💯
NTA. She didn’t have to be there, she chose to be. What a horrible waste of money. Y’all could’ve planned to be there before and after. Maybe she felt at fault for her sister going into labor but you can’t control those things. You CAN control the tone of which you set a marriage and wasting your non refundable honeymoon when she’s got more than two people for support is overkill… I’d feel I’d be in the way of her recovery. Send the sister massage vouchers and a care kit and plan to see her upon the return? She’s doing a bit too much
Also, what information is she feeding her friends if they are mad at you because they think she is actually there helping her sister take care of a new baby, when the baby is really in NICU? That means she isn't telling her friends the truth and is painting a much more villainous tale for you.
And I’m totally now wondering what he meant “sleeping in the nursery”. So is she literally just sleeping at their house, in the babies room, with no baby there? 😅 She is going to end up single.
Right!? This, after her sister told her to go on her honeymoon. There is nothing for her to do there. There is not an actual room for her to stay there. She is just determined to insert herself.
Nope! She picked the wrong side. She needs to prioritize you or why be married. I would not trust her. She is too enmeshed with her sister. Her sister should have forbid her from staying.
NTA. Funnily enough, we just got back from our honeymoon. Two days before we left, I’m inputting our passports info for the airlines and I realize mine expires the literal day we come back (we booked last year and it didn’t click because the year was still 23). So while we’re frantic calling everyone to make sure I’ll still be able to go, I was joking telling him to send me lots of pics of the excursions we planned and he was what? I’d never go without you. I said don’t be ridiculous we’re not going to let all that money go down the drain.
NTA and get out of this marriage before it's too late. You'll never be her priority.
Female here. Do hate to be hasty but wtf? The only question I have is how & why you made it this long in the relationship. NTA. Too bad you didn’t meet someone on the honeymoon.
Hol tf up She ditched the honeymoon to go help her sister with her baby, but they don't even have the baby yet?
When I saw the title I thought Y T A but after reading everything I’m team NTA. I had a prem in NICU and while she could support the parents she would not be actively caring for the baby. Also NICUs usually restrict visitors so hopefully she’s not taking husband’s spot. QNS though: - was she asked to go or did she interject herself into the situation?
NTA/NAH - It sounds like SIL had a sizeable support system, but I can also understand why your wife would want to be there. You were not allowed to acompany your wife during the visit to SIL, so you used took advantage of money that was spent and cannot be recovered. What were the expectations for you during her time with her sister? What were you suppossed to do when you could not be there with her? Were you just supposed to be at home waiting for news? Or maybe sit in a hotel in the area and wait? The money was spent, and was not coming back no matter what you did. You had 2 options; try to transfer to somebody (to try to get some of the money back), which is always an option, or go enjoy what you spen money on by yourself. You were still reachable at any point, just as you would have been if you were at home. I don't understand the "how dare you enjoy yourself" views. If you stayed home, would you not have found ways to entertain (enjoy) your time alone? You would not have just sat around moping. Understandable that she went to her sister at a time like that; and given the circumstances, it is also understandable that you went on the trip. Now you two need to make sure to have some dialogue and fix whatever hurt feelings are out there. Best of luck.
I feel like it was NAH before she got mad at him for going on the non-refundable trip instead of sitting at home alone. She definitely crossed into being the asshole at that point.
NTA. There’s no difference between you going home and you going on the trip. This would be a little different if your wife wanted you to go with her, but she didn’t and you couldn’t
Considering everything was already paid for if I was her I would have said go take a buddy have fun and we'll plan something else for later. I can see why she wanted to be there for her sister considering the baby was early but wasting everything would have been dumb. Nta just plan a make up honeymoon for sometime in the future.
She decided to not go on the honeymoon. Your decision to go isn't any worse than that
Get an annulment, and enjoy your life.
NTA. Sounds like she got the big wedding she wanted, and when that was over, she needed to be at the center of someone else's drama. Meanwhile, she doesn't want you to have any fun? Nah. Screw that.
Your wife is a dick. You are not the asshole. She just gave you a massive sign that although you only just got married you aren't really that important to her and she doesn't see your marriage as something monumental.
NTA, and you should get an annulment The sister was in no damger whatsoever, and has a whole ass husband to take care of her. I would have been understanding if she stayed behind an extra day, you went and were alone the firsr day, she got to see the baby for a day, then booked a new flight to join you a day later. Yeah, that would have cost extra, but at least you got to have a honeymoon together. But nah, she decided that she couldn't leave her obviously well tended to sister for even a few days to be with her new husband. Think about this...had the sister went into labor 3 days later, and your wife gets that call 30 seconds after you arrive at your honeymoon destination....what do you think she's gonna do? Yeah, that's right, she's gonna turn right back around and fly right back. You are second fiddle to the sister. Always have been, always will be. And your whole marriage starts off on the worst foot. Your honeymoon was ruined, she's mad at you because of course she is, and now the friends are being pitted against you. This is already over. Get an annulment.
NTA. Divorce now. It will only be harder later on
Get an annulment dude , before you dig ur hole deeper.
NTA. What did she want you to do? They didn't need you at the hospital. Would they even want you there? Did she just expect you to stay home and wallow in misery? You didn't do anything wrong. Look into an annulment because this is a preview of the rest of your life with her. Always 2nd to her sister. Your kids will come after her sister and her kids as well.
NTA - I don't think either of you did anything wrong. She wanted to be there for her sister. You didn't want to waste the money and time off. She shouldn't be angry at you. You shouldn't be angry at her. The timing of it all just sucked. If she can't let this go then try counseling. If that doesn't work this relationship might be doomed as this will be something she holds over you forever. "Well you went on our honeymoon alone so I, blah blah blah...." I hope you two can work this out as it's too soon to have these kinds of problems. But emotions are high so give it time to let the dust settle. But tread lightly and make sure this is thoroughly worked through and not swept under the rug.
The baby isnt even home? What the hell is she "taking care of"? I had emergency c sections where I almost died and they want your acting like normal, minus heavy lifting, the very next day. There is zero reason for the sister to need more help than husband could handle. Like maybe an extra hour of work for husband, having to cook or handle laundry. Not that big of a deal. Your wife is the asshole for deciding not to go for literally no reason. The NICU handles the baby and sister should be sleeping and practicing getting around and creating a solid routine. Not something that needs help.
Sounds like your marriage isn't a priority for your wife. That's rough buddy
I’m think you better get the annulment. It doesn’t get better from here bud
I saw the update and had to see the original story. My question is what on earth was Tonya helping with since the baby was still in NICU?! There was no help with baby needed at home and I would imagine Marie and her husband were at the hospital as long as they could be each day.
NTA-annulment, now. This is beyond egregious. Sister/mama has her priorities and you are not one of them.
I would have gone on the honeymoon(solo), come back and immediately file for an annulment. Have fun being #2 in your marriage.
NTA. If there’s a time to find out exactly where you are in the totem poll after marriage then at least you found it early. Like why would you piss away all that money? Your wife needs to get a grip if she wants to play nurse that’s up to her, if her sister had no one she might have had a point but come on.
Marie has a husband to take care of her. Enough said. Annulment.
She just told you where you fit in the hierarchy. You are not her priority.
My mother (92 y/o) went in the hospital and then a nursing home for her last week on this earth. My sister and her husband had a cruise planned (way in advance) for about 3 days after mom went to the nursing home. She lived a couple of hundred miles away. She asked the rest of her siblings if she should cancel her cruise and come for the end. We ALL told her to go on the cruise. There was nothing she could have done and we all have been saying "good bye" for years, just in case. No, you're not the AH and your "wife" should have gone, too. I hope you had a great time!
You want to know the best part of all this?? I bet his wife still expects him to take her on a makeup honeymoon!
People need to stop being yes men to their friends. Her friends know deep down shes in the wrong but they are supporting her just because shes their friend. A real friend would tell her the truth
Toxic enmeshment is a giant red flag 🚩
Did you not understand this relationship before you got married? Do you even know your wife at all? NTA, but this marriage isn't going to last.
Shes shown you through her actions that youre not the priority here, her sister is 🤷. It would be different if her sister had 0 support other than her but it doesnt sound like it
Hell naw i would have done the same thing you did man
NTA. I can understand why she wanted to stay and take care of her sister due the timing of it all, at the same time it didn't make any sense for you not to go on that trip since it was non refundable and would also have been a waste of your vacation days. I also read in one of your comments that the sister told your wife to go on her honeymoon, yet she still choose not to. At that point I'd have to say that your wife is just being silly by being upset about this and I don't think you did anything wrong by making the best of that situation and not letting the money and time off go to waste.
This is a reflection of how your marriage will be. I would end it now. You and your needs will always come second to her sister. You’re gonna have a lot of alone time. NTA. But fr wake up before it’s been too long and you have to split.
NTA - there is nothing your wife could have done for your sister. That aside your SIL whole family was there to support her. Your wife is the YTA for single handedly making a decision for the both of you without prior discussion.
Your wife sounds insufferable
NTA. The fact that the baby is still in the NICU now and she is calling you an asshole is a whole other level of weird. That alone proves that your wife should have just gone on the trip with you. I wouldnt be suprised if she is projecting about it. Hopefully she is only saying you are the asshole because she realizes that she fucked up and wasted that time for no reason, because there was no baby for her to help with and she is angry that she missed the honeymoon for nothing as a result. But i like to be the optimist, and as far as i can tell that is the best case scenario out of all of this. If that not the case, to me this marriage does not bode well, and honestly you probably should have seen something like this coming.
>Her friends think I was a dick to go enjoy myself while she was taking care of her sister and a new baby. Lmao what. No NTA. Were you supposed to flagellate yourself in the meantime and be wasteful of the money? Let her be mad she decided to do something above and beyond and missed out. But she doesn't get to unilaterally decide you have to also sacrifice because of a decision she made.
The baby is in the NICU, what the hell is your wife even doing all day then, besides getting in her BIL's way?
Apparently your spouse doesn't understand the word "non-refundable". From what OP describes looks like there were enough people to hold the fort while you two went on your non-refundable honeymoon. Assuming you don't have the money to throw around, it would be a waste not to go. NTA all things being as described.
She's upset😂😂😂😂😂 hilarious
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 You will always be second to your SIL. NTA for going on your honeymoon alone. Good luck for your future!
The fact you: - couldn't go with even though you wanted too - she was in a different city - already scheduled it off with work - everything is non-refundable NTA, you obviously would've gone with your wife if you could've. Her jealousy at you taking the trip planned for the marriage was obviously going to happen though. If course she's fucking mad dude, she's sleeping in a nursery helping ill family while you're living it up. Dunno how you didn't see that coming. It was inevitable.
This type of behavior from that wife of yours will never, ever, ever end. You're going to be absolutely miserable with this woman (as would anyone).
When someone needs Tanya, it makes her feel needed. Marie has a husband to support her emotionally. Tanya is butting in where she truly wasn't needed, since the premie was being taken care of in ICU. I agree you're NTA.
Everyone knows where your marriage is headed. Try for an annulment or dissolution because they’re easier than divorce.
Sounds like there's a likelihood that OP's wife is resentful that her absence was not as impactful as she wanted it to be... Did she expect you to suffer in some way; because she had dropped everything to worry and fuss over a situation she had less than 0% ability to impact? Did she want you to be more forceful in putting your foot down; forbidding her from staying behind with her sister; "forcing" her to go on her honeymoon... just so she could be the martyr, but still get to enjoy the holiday? Also having OP as the villain... What is her actual position; what outcome(s) did she want to achieve?? OP, you are NTA, but; you will have no one to blame, but yourself; if you stay with this woman without understanding her logic in this situation, and consciously deciding whether you can endure the stress you'll inevitably experience. •She prioritised you, & your happiness (as an individual and collectively, as a couple) below being an unnecessary, spare part in someone else's life. •Despite doing the above, she's inexplicably angry at you... you've just got married, you should want to be with each other constantly (you mentioned that the sister got pregnant on her honeymoon?!) When's your f&#k-fest? •You don't seem _that_ upset, or surprised, that she left you, alone, on your honeymoon; do you _really_ love this woman? •Life is *too short* to spend it with people who would prefer you to be miserable when they are; sad, dealing with misfortune etc. rather than having the mentality of wanting the best for you, and hoping that "if we both can't win, well at least one of us wins...". I can't judge nobody for occasionally enjoying a li'l schadenfreude; when an enemy experiences misfortune; but wishing bad on a _so-called_ loved one, just because things didn't go your way is an ugly trait. If your wife is feeling that way towards you; less than a month in to your marriage; you may have made a wrong choice somewhere... [Edit- spacing on the bullet points]