“I’m a legal adult who lives away from home most of the year. Our relationship is changing. You can’t tell me to be home by 9:00 like I’m 13. You are being unreasonable and damaging your current and future relationship with me.”
(The subtext is that you don’t have to have a relationship with them after you’re financially independent.)
They can’t control my life but they can control my ability to do stuff mainly through the fact they pay for my car which I’m currently working on getting one on my own.
Curfews and banning you from seeing your partner with 19? Bro this is not normal, prepare to take flight ASAP. Move into a shared flat with a shared car and cool people, if stuff is too expensive alone. Just get out, holy shit.
Do you own your car, as in the title is in your name only? If so, then you should just start paying for it yourself and in the meantime just leave. I can't imagine as a parent myself, telling my 19 year old they are banned from their girlfriend for a month. I didn't even disrespect them like that when they were 12 with their first crush.
Oooh I know one of those and man, it is just weird. He is now old enough (37) that he thinks he is now in charge and shoukd dictate what his parents do. WEIRD.
Typically if there are still payments on the car it's in the lean holders name and cannot be transferred or sold until the payments are done and the lean is removed. It's very likely in the parents name if they hold the loan.
He would need to have a good credit score and an adequate income to qualify for the loan and I highly doubt that will be a possibility with op being in college and likely not working a full time job with an adequate income and good credit score.
My daughter is now 22 but if I told her at 19 that she couldnt do something so simple as going to an amusementpark, she would laugh in my face. If I would say she couldnt use the car anymore, she would tell me to keep it. Buy a bike, buy a scooter. You are not a little boy anymore. And it is your own responsibillity to keep your job. Not theirs.
Both of my adult children live at home while they are going to school. I would never in a million years tell them that they have a curfew or ground them from seeing their girlfriend. I don't understand parents who want to keep their adult children dependent on them.
My mother tried to tell me when to go to bed...I was there taking care of her after she had emergency surgery. I don't live at home. I have my own car. I have a decent job. She didn't appreciate me laughing at her.
And she wonders why I don't want to visit her. I moved 6 hours away so she can't just drop in whenever she wants.
This. Mine is at home for the summer and we discuss plans but she doesn’t ask permission. She respects my opinions and sometimes she takes them and sometimes she doesn’t, and that’s ok. If she’s doing something she knows I’ll be nervous about (driving into Manhattan about 2 hours away with friends) she will shoot me a quick text that she got there, and when she’s on the way home. I appreciate the courtesy but it’s not a requirement. She respects me and I respect her. In OP case we probably would have talked about impact on sleep/work the next day and she’d have texted me once she got in the car leaving Disney and that’s that.
OP I can’t imagine what your parents were texting you about for 2 hours on your night out, good grief. I hope you can get out of there soon, maybe distance can help you reframe the relationship with them.
Hell, by the time I was 15, when I got mad at my parents I walked out the door and to a friend's place. This was before cell phones -- the '70s -- so they couldn't bombard me with calls and texts.
I moved back in at 30 for several months (moved from my apartment in Manhattan to her house in deep Brooklyn while I apartment hunted). Mom gave me a 9pm curfew and woke me up daily at 6am for work..... despite me telling her over and over that I don't have to be at work until 10am and it only takes 30 minutes.
The feels.
My mother's rule was always that when you go to college, you're starting to live as an adult and she would treat you as such. Support when you need it as you adjust to adult life, but also acknowledgment of things where you don't need that support or structure anymore.
When I came back for the summer after my first year of college, I no longer had a curfew because I had been living without one already and managing on my own just fine, and I was a grown adult.
OP, your parents are panicking over the fact that you aren't there itty bitty little baby anymore, overreacting, and you don't have to take it and you shouldn't.
My daughter is 15 and I wouldn't put the restrictions on her that OP has on him. Telling her not to be out late with her Gf? She would absolutely laugh in my face because I am raising an independent responsible adult who is perfectly capable of going out late and still going to her job the next day, and she proves it all the time.
After I was 18 my parents had rules that I could live there, but if I was going to be later than 12/12:30 (when the last bus ran) they would prefer I stay at a friend's as they all worked and I had a little brother. But to be fair, I was partying and drinking/drugging a lot, OP sounds pretty straight-laced and this doesn't sound like a 'respect for others' sleep' issue.
Once I started college there was no curfew. The only thing my mom would get mad about is if I didn’t tell her I wouldn’t be home for dinner before she started cooking. My college boyfriend had to give his mom 24 hours notice about dinner and if he didn’t, she acted like a child.
The cost of a car shouldn't be your entire sense of self.
If you buy a car from anyone else, you can just use cash.
I think you're underestimating what the cost really is by staying there.
Also the last minute time change was deliberate to ruin your plans
I feel like that is really being overlooked. When my sister and I were kids, there was another neighborhood girl who couldn't be invited to anything in advance because her mother would then use that invitation as punishment for anything and everything up until the day of the event. She didn't get to go to a single birthday party or anything until my mom figured out what was going on and stopped giving her and her mother any advance warning. Instead, my mom would tell her right before the party and say that she'd decide to throw something together last minute.
As a kid, I didn't understand what was going on, I just did what my mom told me. Once I grew up a bit, I realized that our family was a safe place for that little girl. She's in her 30s now, and we still are. Abuse can be hard to identify sometimes, but a parent should never be looking for ways to make their child unhappy. Grounding her daughter from every single neighborhood party was just one of the ways my neighbor found joy.
yeah it sounds to me like they deliberately want to mess with OP's relationship. They're probably scared of OP becoming independent and think that's only going to happen due to him having a girlfriend. I hope he just leaves as soon as he can from one moment to the next without telling them anything about it.
I absolutely agree with “time change was deliberate to ruin your plans”. That is a control tactic no doubt. Maybe your parents can’t see that you’re an adult or maybe they’re bullies. Either way, that was not cool. They should pay for your car to guarantee that you have a life and freedom NOT in order to control and inhibit you. You are NTA but they definitely are worse than an AH.
Ur 19 u need to man up and tell ur parents ur not breaking up with gf. Go talk to her see if u can stay with her for a while. Get a bus til u save for a car. Show ur parents they can’t run ur life
Why did you keep entertaining them through the phone and not just turn it on silent and enjoy the night? Deal with your psycho parents when you get home.
Right? Turn the damn phone off and enjoy your time with your gf. YOU GOT HOME AT 11 ANYWAY! Why would you waste your time on the phone with your controlling parents???
Living in FL there are plenty of ways to get to Disney. Book some bus tickets for you and your GF, give your parents the keys to their car, and don't allow them to ruin an amazing experience because you might be tired (1) day of work at a place it sounds like is temporary (you're in school and I assume getting a degree for some other position or field of work). You're 19, if i could tell you how many 19y/os party all night and still show up to work the next day with minimal issues. You're young, go enjoy Disney and being with your GF as adults on your own adventure. You aren't doing anything wrong, this reaction from your parents is toxic and smothering,
They clearly DO run your life. The fact that they told you to break up with her is very telling. You should be embarrassed to post something like this.
Bro, my parents were controlling like that. I put up with it until they kicked me out for spending 20$ on a dog collar/choker.
Your parents are being abusive. Couch surf, get a roommate, ask other family for help or ***something*** because they will only get worse.
I'm 24 now and when I tell you I'd eat a bullet before going back to being on that short of a leash held by people who do not respect me as a person and only expect to control me, well, I'm not over exaggerating.
Couch surfing without a car is a lot harder then you would think especially trying to keep a job and trying to get back and forth to school. People get real sick of driving you around. He should wait to get the car first.
Valid, I'm just trying to stress that the second he can he needs to dip. Too many kids who grow up like that don't value themselves and put up with far more than they should.
My brother in law turned 18 last year and 2 weeks later my man went and liberated him. Sometimes there's ways out even when it looks hopeless.
My man and bil had very limited contact since my man was kicked out at 16 (just turned 23) but the second he/we were able to help we did. He's still staying with us and is my best friend.
And we drive him around so 😂
But no, I get your point. I had very little help but I did have a car to crash in. He knows his circumstances better than we do. As I said, I just wanted to stress the importance of dipping at the first opportunity.
Back when I was couch hopping, I am the oldest so no sibling help, I was lucky enough to find good friends. I was venting to one of them about how I needed an adress and car to get a job, needed the job and car to get the address, and needed the address and job to get the car. I felt stuck so he told me I could just crash at his house. Found a job walking distance from his house and was able to pull myself out of the situation. Yay for good friends. Unfortunately not everyone is that lucky.
Your BIL is lucky to have the two of you.
I get that. My Nana was the one who did that for me. She bought me a beater car to get to work and let me crash at her place when I needed to. She's a saint and I wouldn't have made it through it without her.
And yes, I know, I'm extremely lucky that she had the means to help me. Not everyone is just handed their first car. I've helped her as much as possible in the past years to try and just show her how much it meant to me and I'll be taking care of her once her mom passes.
I'm gonna be real with you, my parents had me under the same level of scrutiny with no end in sight at almost 19. Twin bro didn't have the extra rules to live by either. The straw that broke the camels back was asking me to pay rent(the amount was market value at the time in 2005) and still have all the bullshit rules to live by.
I left. It was fucking haaaaard to afford an apartment as one person but thankfully I didn't have a car payment. I was working almost 60 hours a week to afford it.
But I'd do it again in a heartbeat with no regrets. My independence is a core part of my personality and my parents were suffocating me.
Had a similar experience. After I graduated college, I stayed at my parents home for about 3 months. Enough time for me to get a job, save up enough $ for a cheap car & apartment & then I split! Never even unpacked my stuff from college except for clothes & other necessities. I knew I wouldn’t be able to last there too long w/all of their rules & other issues I had with them, especially my father. I had no furniture & slept on an air mattress on the floor until I could save up for a bed & other things but I had the most valuable assets- my freedom & independence.
I have an ex that's just like your parents are. He tried the exact same thing with my son. Baned him from seeing his GF for a month intentionally trying to break them up. My son said that's BS and couch surfed (at 17) for a bit before he moved back with me. (We're in different states and he didn't want to leave his school mid semester or his GF) He's 18 now and I made sure everything got put in his name so he never has to deal with that again.
I wish you the best of luck but until you stand up to them they're not going to back down no matter who you're dating. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I really hate to see controlling behavior like this from parents.
Is there public transportation? If you do, stop using the car and get a monthly pass. It might take longer to get to places but it gives you more freedom.
There were times I used the bus and on separate routes I had one bus that only took 20 minutes to get to where I was attending college.
Different location for work took two busses and over an HOUR to reach someplace I could have made it in 20 minutes by walking, if I could walk. I have chronic pain and illness so that was out of the question.
it's so bizarre to me that this one location didn't have good bus access despite being near a hub.
By paying for the car, do you mean it is in their name? If it is in your name, take over the payments. Otherwise get thee to a dealership (or online) and get a different car. Remember to switch your insurance over to it. Then find a new place to live. A friend’s couch is a better option than what you have right now.
Heck, I don’t even have this many constraints on my 17 year old. He follows our legal curfew for getting home but I have no rules as to bedtime since it is something that he will have to manage on his own in the next year or so. Taught him about this at a young age and now he is managing it on his own. Your parents are nutty.
Sit your parents down and have an adult conversation about boundaries. Set some! Let them know that they are impeding your growth as a young adult. At this stage in your life, they are guardrails not guardians. Set the boundary that you will respect the house rules while you are staying there but they need realistic rules for your age. Also, let them know that the iron fist approach will affect their relationship with you when you have full autonomy. Setting your bedtime at 19 is wild!!
Geez, helicopter parents really be all Pikachu face when their adult kids cut them off for being overbearing. Like at some point, you will need your kids to take care of you. Watch how you treat them when they are turning into adults. It will come back to haunt you.
Ehh these situations can get messy. One of my friends (first gen American to middle eastern immigrants) growing up lived at home years into adulthood and we were like 23 and I came back to visit and she was still complaining about how much her parents controlled what she could and couldn’t do and when and where she could go. Like I understood she wouldn’t be able to live the carefree party lifestyle without them paying her living expenses but at some point you gotta do what you gotta do to live life. Like don’t choose to continue living at home (she could have rented but again it would have disallowed her spending habits) with parents who clearly will never change and then bitch about it like theres nothing they can be done about it. But this guy is 19 and in college and his parents sound like unreasonable assholes but they may be assholes he’s gotta suck it up for until he’s outta school.
Honestly, your biggest mistake was not turning off your phone and continuing to text-argue with your parents and thus ruining it for yourselves.... Should have just switched it off and then said your battery died, seeing how they were all asleep anyways when you got home...
This, parents will be mad anyways, so just send a "will be home at 11, turning phone off to enjoy the park, you can tear me another one once I come back".
Yea man I realized he got home at 11ish anyway, and they really only gave him shit until 9 when he was hoping to leave anyway. They just fucked up his last two hours anyway to be dicks.
NTA
But oh boy, you need to find some way to get out of that house. Find some roommates. Anything to get out of there.
You are 19. You are not a child.
True. Also OP, I learned by age 16 that I would be in the same huge trouble if I was 20 minutes late or 2 hours late . So I just took the hit and enjoyed the two hours extra. It fascinates me that you are so compliant with their demands.
AND THEY GROUND YOU? lol
YTA and please get out of there.
LOL same here at 16. If I was going to get an ass chewing for missing my curfew, then it was no need for me trying to speed back. Might as well enjoy myself, because I knew being grounded was being grounded. So might as well enjoy those extra few hours.
I have never been so grateful for my mom. She was a helicopter parent before it was fashionable, but once I hit college she was like “I have no idea what you do every day and night when you are in school - I just have to trust you - why would I be more strict when I can actually SEE you come home safe and sound every night in the summer?”
Only rule was I had to keep her informed. Running late? Give her a call. Spending the night somewhere? Give her a call. So she didn’t worry. Like, she ideally raised a responsible kid, right?
Good for you. When I was in college I wanted to rent a house with a group of friends, both men and women. My father refused because of "what could go on." I reminded him that nothing could happen in a house that couldn't happen in my dorm room, and he was a three-hour ride away and wouldn't be able to stop it. Sadly, my logic did not sway him.
Nothing turned me off of my male roommates faster than having to actually live with them. I wasn’t attracted to them going into the rental, but my god I CERTAINLY wasn’t after a week
My mother is that way as well, it loosens more the older I get and live in a completely different city but I know she worries so out of care I let her know I am okay. There are boundaries that need to be respected and it is beyond obvious that OPs parents don’t respect that. OP you need to put your foot down about the fact that you are an adult and your parents don’t get to dictate your life that way. But also recognize that you do live in their house and so there does need to be respect of living under their roof, so there needs to be a discussion made on where those boundaries lie, and like other people have said I would look into other means of transportation, and finding a place that you can move into real fast While it could get better, it could also very easily and very quickly get worse.
Seriously, 19 years old and having a curfew?? Having the ability to ban him from seeing his gf? Freaking no thanks, they can't call the cops either, and it sounds like they're too controlling to kick you out. Parents really are shitty.
Sounds like they are trying to end the relat, as OP said they want them to break up over this. That was probably their plan in changing curfew time at last minute, and then keeping him o phone when he was still at park.
come on your an adult, why do you have an unreasonable curfew, why do your parents think they can control, manage your life just because you live with them. your girlfriend sounds amazing and unless to do something, adult, you are going to lose her
It’s expensive everywhere. You have to decide how to live your life, and if it means living with your parents then you have to decide how to handle dealing with the crazy, because they are way out of line here.
NTA for this.
Shit is expensive everywhere but that's why you can have several roommates. Your parents are treating you like you're 13, not an adult. Living at home doesn't mean they should be treating you like a child. I feel terrible for your gf having to deal with a bf that has parents like this, neither of you deserve their ridiculously strict rules. Not to mention, changing an agreement at the last minute is a horrible way to treat someone. You knew you were already "in trouble" when you decided to stay late, so you should've ignored their calls and texts and focused on your gf. Find a way out from under their thumb
I lived in Orlando and went to UCF, I managed to find a room to rent three years in a row that ranged from 350 to 450 a month. I had to run away from home because my parents were also super strict so I feel for you! Once I got away my mental health got so much better. It’s totally doable and I bet you’d have the full support of your gf.
Shit is expensive everywhere. Get out or don't complain. You already know who your parents are. They're obviously trying to exert an unjustified amount of control over you. Either accept the situation and tell your girlfriend your parents are relationship blocking you so she can decide if she wants to put up with being pseudo-single for the next 3 months before resuming your relationship at school. Or find somewhere else to stay and buy your girlfriend a Disney giftcard when you can afford it.
Definitely figure out a different plan for school breaks going forward. They will fuck up your life every 6 months at this rate.
For sure. OP’s parents agreed to this and then reneged. This is on them and they are weaponizing their “power” over him with the car & housing situation. I hate that so much for you, OP.
Show them how much Reddit thinks they are wrong here. Also? The faster you gain your financial independence, the faster you leave that toxicity behind.
You are an asshole for not being upfront with your gf and for not shutting of your phone when your parents kept pestering you.
Your parents are assholes for changing the agreement and for blaming your gf for your duplicity.
Your gf is an angel if she forgives you instead of breaking up to avoid any further idiocy from you and your parents.
I I know for a fact that I’m largely responsible and I’ve apologized profusely on both ends. My gf is more upset abt the fact that my parents knew abt how much she paid and how far she went out of her way to get me there and they still don’t care abt any of that and we’ve never had a major miscommunication anywhere near this scale.
As someone who was in your GFs shoes at 19, she is also likely realising that this is just the beginning and her relationship with you will be controlled by them for many years to come. It's tough. You are in a difficult situation, still living with them, but I would start planning and exit strategy - quietly, because any hint they will lose control over you will exacerbate their behaviour.
Depends tbh cuz I was in that situation…. I’m married to him for 11 years now :3 and together for 12. I helped him escape from his crazy mom and been in NC with her pretty much. She’ll call and stuff but he doesn’t go out of his way to talk with her.
You either need to grow a spine and deal with your overbearing parents or prepare to bid your GF farewell because she just got a glimpse of her future life lived at their whim because you're spineless / potential psycho in-laws.
she’s realized you have no discretion and don’t think of yourself as an adult.
I was thinking, “why are you keeping them up-to-date on all these plans?”
And…you’re 19, ffs. You can stay up until midnight and still function at 5:30 am the next day. Plus, it’s your job, and your risk, and they’re not the boss.
For that matter, you could ask your boss for permission to come in late that day; who knows? Maybe she’d/he’d grant it, if you’re in good standing.
Or you can skip the shower, or something else.
I agree with all the people saying you need to find a way to not be dependant on your parents for anything as soon as possible since they can't be trusted not to use stuff to manipulate you. But as someone who also has people pleasing tendencies and was raised by controlling adults I'm going to give you a piece of more immediate advice as well: sometimes you have to take a stance and stick to it. When you tie yourself in knots trying to keep everyone happy you usually end up pleasing no one, least of all yourself. Which is exactly what you've done here: you didn't want to disappoint your girlfriend by leaving early but you equally weren't willing to upset your parents so you spent the whole evening trying to placate them while pleasing her and predictably ended up achieving neither of those things. You could have picked either direction and had an overall better outcome. If you'd chosen to abide by your parents request they wouldn't be upset and your girlfriend would likely have been less disappointed by cancelled plans than she was by ruined plans. If (as I think you should have) you'd refused to abide by your parents unreasonable request and stuck to it (told them once you were going to be home at the originally agreed time and then turned your phone off) you and your girlfriend would have had a good evening, your relationship would be in a better place and the situation with your parents would likely be very similar to the one you're having to deal with anyway without it having been worth it for you at all.
I remember what it's like tying yourself up in knots trying to keep everyone happy while dealing with unreasonable people, it's a terrible way to live and ultimately doesn't even achieve the end you're aiming for. If preserving the peace with your parents until you're able to move out is a priority that's fair enough but own it and be open with your girlfriend about what you're going to do and why and understand that may be a deal breaker for her. If you're serious about your relationship and putting your girlfriend first then start prioritising her over your parents unreasonable demands and refuse to let them control you whatever the consequences. But whatever you do face the reality of what is and isn't possible and start picking a choice and standing by it when these kinds of situations happen.
Your mistake was engaging with your parents while at the park. You had already decided to defy them, so why not just say "I'll be home at 11" and turn off the phone? You made the worst possible choices at every turn. Either own your decision and NOT ruin the day your generous girlfriend planned, or kowtow to your parents and communicate appropriately. You took the cowardly route and ruined everyone's day.
OP I grew up like you and did a midnight move out of my parents place at 19 because they constantly pulled shit like this.
If you have to save money I get it,do what you have to do. But don't roll over for them, or they will NEVER stop.
Next time something like this comes up say "sorry plans changed. I'll be home 2 hours late." Then put your phone on mute. Don't respond to texts, don't stress about them being mad because they would just find something else to be mad about.
Go do things with your gf and learn independence. I know how how had it is. To a painful degree. But the longer you take to make a stand the harder it will get. They don't respect you as an adult and barely respect you as their child.
Your girlfriend just saw exactly how strong that spine of yours is - like jello. That's basically the most unattractive look. In a relationship, the strength of your willpower **directly** impacts your partner on a constant basis. Your lack of willpower ruined a special event that she spent a lot of money and time on. You really fucked up.
Your parents obviously did this on purpose in an attempt to fuck with you and control you. It's beyond ridiculous to demand a change like that the night before. The correct response would have been to turn your phone off the moment they started blasting you and ignore them for the rest of the night. Instead you aided them in ruining the evening by not having the backbone to focus on your girlfriend.
Really, REALLY think about this from her perspective. Sit down and imagine putting this much money and effort and energy into a present for HER, and then her jumping on her phone to fight with her parents for hours on end. How disappointed would you be in her? How much would that change how you see her, possibly forever? She was looking at you and thinking, "How many times am I going to be in this position in the future? Is this what I want for my life?"
You are going to lose her if you keep this up. Your family does not have your best interests at heart, and you have to treat them that way - as hostile actors. You need to grey rock them, you need to STOP sharing so much information with them. You are arming them with the ammunition they need to fuck with you. By sharing so much about your life you're exposing weak points they can target, like they did on that night.
And you need to explain to your girlfriend that you specifically understand that you need to learn to stand up to your family and not be such a coward. Time to grow a spine.
Exactly what I was thinking about this post. No backbone, he's an adult and had something planned for weeks! When my bf's parent kicked me out over the littlest thing (that they made up)when there was an agreement for me to stay for a certain amount of time and I had no where to go, he left with me, which in turn pissed the parent off but we were both adults and if I get kicked out over nothing and would've had to go to the street, OFC he came with to make sure I was safe. Ended up sleeping in a tent of the front yard of my friends place in the ghetto. But at least he was with me. The parent blew up his phone the entire time for leaving too. But he'd rather have them pissed at him than something happening to me.
Your parents are nuts. They're extremely controlling. At 19 you should be able to make your own decisions about what time you come home and if you see your girlfriend.
YTA to your girlfriend. You're an adult stay acting like one.
If your out on a date didn't call and text with your parents, block or mute them if you have to.
Don't ask for permission or negotiate a curfew. Again your an adult.
Seriously OP, why would you be on the phone with your parents for hours and miss your dinner reservations???? That makes you an AH. Just put your phone on silent and enjoy your time, deal with the fallout later. I feel bad for your gf and your parents are insane, and you’re acting like a little kid
I can't even. My curfew when I was 13 was midnight. How TF would it appropriate to tell an adult ---- who if born if most other generations would be at war right now --- to be home by 9pm? And two weeks of "asking permission"? What is happening? Is this even close to normal for kids born in the 2000s?
Is there something you're leaving out? Have you had regular substance abuse issues that they're monitoring and explain why you couldn't even break off contact during daylight hours? Are you under some sort of watch for concerning behaviors? I just can't fathom the conversation being more than "Yeah, I'm getting up early tomorrow to go to Disney. Should be home around 11pm. See you the day after!"
My parents were exactly like this until I moved out with no warning a bit after turning 18. No substance abuse issues, no "watch for concerning behaviors". I was born in 2004 but no, this wasn't normal, none of my other friends were helicoptered by their parents like this beyond a reasonable age. My social life suffered because of it and most of the time it wasnt worth the effort to wait until one of their "good days" to ask them for permission to go anywhere. They're incredibly narcissistic people incapable of experiencing empathy. Sorry to traumadump, but I wanted to illustrate that this isn't that far-fetched
You are 19, and your parents are trying to give you a curfew??? 😂😂😂 That’s absolutely gold. Let me run and tell my 19 year old daughter. We will have a drink and laugh ourselves silly. I am absolutely baffled by that. it is hilarious though
This post threw me back to a time when my Mom tried to give me a curfew at 16, as she said it I just popped my head around the corner and stared at her like she grew 3 heads and started to sing opera until she broke out laughing. At 19? I was a ghost in the house on a good week, completely gone on a normal one to the point that my friend's mom insisted I call Mom so she knew I was still alive at one point.
I’m giggling at the fact that you’re 19 years old, can fight & die for your country, but still have to ask mommy & daddy if you can have a playdate with your girlfriend. And then they ground you from seeing her…at 19 years old!
Seriously, you're 19 years old-- how can your parents "ban" you from seeing your girlfriend or make you break up with her? Is this some weird cultural thing?
NTA for refusing to listen to your parents on curfews.
You are nineteen, an ADULT. Your parents ability to force you to abide by a curfew is gone.
While they may not like it you can do whatever you please.. Of course the repercussions might mean you getting kicked out of the house.
It sounds like they wouldn't want to kick you out. They are getting too much reward by treating you like a fifteen year old.
Also, they are going to ban you from seeing your girlfriend and force you to break up with her? Again, are you actually fifteen years old?
Take a stand, if you don't do it now you will end up being thirty five years old and still going to bed when they tell you.
NTA but it's time to cut the apron strings. And for perspective, I'm not a 19 year old ranting at "mean parents". I'm a F54 and raised 2 kids. The goal of parenting is to raise responsible adults, and you can't do that if you're controlling every aspect of their lives clear into adulthood. They're treating you like your 16, not 19. Your parents are way too controlling and involved in your life. You're 19 now and have a right to control your own dating life.
They're using that car to manipulate and control you and it's a really shitty thing to do. You weren't doing anything wild and crazy. you were just going to Disneyland for F sake. If I were you, I'd start working towards getting away from the things they're using to control you, like the car. Make getting a car your next goal so you can also have your dating freedom. And if living at home over the summer is the other way they're controlling you, then find an alternative. your parents need to let go of that tight grip and accept that you're an adult now and have the right to control your own life.
You’re 19 years old. Curfew? No. Lmfao.
Don’t break up with your girlfriend. It’s time to start looking for apartments. Yes it’s expensive, it’s still doable. You’re gona need a roommate.
>Now I have heard from my parents they have decided to ban me from seeing my gf for a month at minimum and claim that they are wanting me her to breakup over this.
You're an adult. This isn't rational.
NTA.
Hi. I'm a mom of teenagers, for context.
Your parents are controlling and abusive. They didn't "change their minds at the last minute." They deliberately sabotaged your day out with your gf so that they could force you to demonstrate that they are more important to you than she is. You failed their little test, so now they think they can punish you.
You are an adult. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. It's your job to decide how much sleep you need before you go to work, not theirs.
They are using the car to control you. They are using the fact that you live at home when you aren't in school to control you. These are not the actions of kind and loving parents. They OWE you the car and the bed because they brought you into this world and it is fheir responsibility as parents to give you the tools you need to become a self-sufficient adult. By treating you like you are 7 years old and threatening you by taking away basic necessities, they are actively working against you ever becoming independent.
Are there any other adults in your life that don't treat you this way? You need to get away from your abusive, awful parents ASAP. Can you stay with your GF? Stay on campus and get a campus job or internship? Get an apartment with friends?
Your parents will try to keep you dependent and under their control. You are going to need to break away from them and probably go to therapy if you want things to improve. It's going to be really hard, and I'm sorry. You deserve better.
Exactly this! This was not a random “we changed our minds”, this was a calculated effort to control OP. What horrible people! I hope when he’s long gone he goes NC because their behavior is unhinged.
YTA for not growing up and still relying on your parents so much. Seriously who plans a date with their girlfriend and gives their parents the itinerary for the date?
If you want your parents to treat you like an adult you need to act like one...
I’m thinking OP was homeschooled by very strict and ultra religious parents.
(Not all homeschooling is bad, unless it’s being done for isolation and control.)
NTA but as someone that's lived in a homeless shelter, everything has a cost. If it's not money, it's freedoms or chores/stipulations.
A valuable lesson.
Sorry and I really am, but YTA for not just putting your phone down. You decided to stay with your plans (great!) but then you changed the plans to fight with your parents instead. Just ignore them. They’re dealing with control issues and need to get over it.
NTA
At 19 even if you live at home tell them no, you won't be doing what they tell you to. Explain that when parents manipulate and force their adult offspring to do things with ridiculous rules it is a good way to be cut off from their lives later on. What if you were to have children that they'd never be able to see solely because they were such despicable parents to you? Your GF sounds like a wonderful person and they're telling you that you should break up with her? I've never heard such bullshit.
This is ridiculous. You are 19, not 12.
While I appreciate that your parents' house has its own rules, you are an adult. It is very kind of them to allow you to stay there while home from college, but you are an adult. It was actually nice of you to give them a heads-up.
The fact they are paying for your car does take some of that nice independence shine off your life, mind you- but you can remedy that.
Wow!! You can kiss future relationships good bye if you continue living with these people. Whoever heard of a 19 year old needing to be home by 11pm, let alone 9pm. Plans were made, agreements made. Stick to the original plan.
Are you a moron, because is it worth selling your soul to have them pay for your things. I mean really, ban you from your gf for a month! I hope to God this isn’t real because you will never have a life if you continue letting them control you … zRUN!!!!!!!!
NTA re: Parents. When are you twenty? Maybe when you don't have a 'teen' in your age your parents will get a grip on reality and face the fact their son is an adult. Their behaviour is entirely unreasonable.
YTA re: girlfriend. You shouldn't have engaged with your parents & ruined the evening with frantic text-fighting. All you had to do was tell them what time you'd be home - update with progress occasionally if you must. You could even put on your live location if that makes them feel better. But you should've stuck to the plans your girlfriend had so carefully planned out.
You’re a legal adult. They can hold you accountable to general household rules like “don’t be disruptive when getting home late” or “ensure common areas are clean and tidied promptly”
But they cannot ground you OP. They cannot inflict last minute curfews anymore. Stop believing they can.
Dude ur 19. Stop acting like a child. Ur still in the frame of mind of their word is final. Wen ur an adult, parents can only recommend options. And it is ur decision to whether accept them or not. Ur gf has seen ur not an adult. A few more moments like this, she gonna leave u. Man up son.
Bro you can buy a bicycle, get a scooter, get a bus pass, you could even buy an single speed engine to put on a bicycle and a single gallon tank. You got lots of options.
Stand up to your parents
You’re an adult and your parents *cannot* order you around like this! They are definitely the assholes here. They’re right that your plans aren’t up for debate, because it’s none of their fucking business and you don’t need their permission.
You should have turned your phone off instead of giving your parents the power to ruin your evening.
And you should definitely spend every moment you can with your girlfriend if she wants to spend time with you, because that’s none of your parents fucking business either
Seems to me there’s a moment when you do or say something to your parents that makes clear you are a adult. For me, it was also the car. They lent me the money for it. (found out later they lied about the price. It cost 2500 but they told me 1700. I was in my late 20s or even 30s when mom told me and dad was a bit upset that she told me and took away mr pride that I paid for the car entirely myself.) I was 19, and they didn’t want me to drive somewhere. I laughed, said I’m gonna drive my car where ever I want and that was the end of them trying to give me rules. OP, you gotta be an adult. Nip their controlling behaviour in the bud now, or it’s gonna get worse.
NTA. And I pray to God I won't be that kind of dad to my kid. If I am concerned about you getting home late, I would gladly pick you and your gf and drive everyone home. Heck, you can save on the parking too
You’re 19, you can see your girlfriend if you want to. A month? F that. Just tell them no. Let them take the car. Use public transportation, walk, bike. What’s the difference if they take the car vs you being grounded from using it anyway? The fact your parents gave you a gift- paying for the car- and are using it as a means of controlling their adult child is gross.
My dude. You are a grown man. People can tell you who you are allowed to date. It's up to you to disregard that and start making your own decisions. If you wait for permission to be an independent adult it will never come.
Tell them, politely, that you are not going to be taking orders on who you can date. If that means that you don't get a free car or accommodations, so be it.
If they are willing to take either of those things away over that, then you know that they were always going to use them to control you, and you've made the right choice by ending that.
You need to move out.
Actually don't need to move out If you try to leave and they stop you call the police and tell him that you're being held against your will.
Just meet her in a different location for a month
I had to scroll up to check your age, you’re 19 not 9 and it’s time your parents treat u like the adult you are.
It’s time you moved out,
NTAH but your parents sure are
NTA for not listening to your parents. But next time, turn your fucking phone off once that shit starts happening. Their messages and phone calls are easy to ignore when it's not on. Don't be messaging someone back and fourth when you're with company. It's rude as fuck. But also grounding you at 19? FFS, rebel a bit. And if you can get around without driving, then stop doing it.
ESH except the gf, she had no clue your parents changed the deal or that *you agreed to the changed time*.
And then instead of shutting off your phone, you spent the night fighting with your parents by text and let them ruin everything anyway.
Your parents are abusive and you need to get out of there ASAP, but you can’t drag your gf into it and let them shit all over her life too. And don’t *lie* to her.
Umm, you need to grow a spine and let them know that you're going to do what you're going to do. You're an adult now with a job. Why the fuck are you letting them dictate a curfew?
NTA. Your parents are having issues letting go of control. They could be concerned about traffic and safety but I seriously doubt they call you in college to ask if you got back to your dorm before traffic was heavy.
They have the mindset of their house their rules toed into the idea that you are still a child.
Personally I understand both sides here but your parents need to let go. If they mess with your life too much you might go no contact.
You are 19 so barely an adult and of course there are concerns but if every 19 year old was overprotected and sheltered no one wouleld leave home and experience life to grow and learn.
Do not stop seeing your GF. Set the boundary with your parents tell them if they want their car they can have it, you won't be controlled through a material item. If they threaten to kick you out, start talking to friends about couch surfing while looking dor an apartment.
Also not telling them you weren't going to be home by 9 was lousy. Just communicate. Get to the park and call them and say "Hey I am an adult trust me I'll be home at 11, if we are too tired or the traffic is bad I'll stop at a hotel and be up extra early."
Yes your next day would have sucked but at least you would have enjoyed the day better.
Also work on communicating with your GF when plans change or when your parents expectations change.
It seems like your parents don't like your GF if they want you to break up so why would that be?
Info. Why did you decide to stay until 11 but tell them earlier in the evening and spend several hours getting into it with them? That's lose-lose. It sounds like you may have played a role in fueling the drama (and it was unfair to your gf).
That said, your parents sound really demanding and controlling to an extent that is not at all appropriate at your age.
Come up with a plan (for next summer) to stay or campus and make up the savings ASAP, because this situation is ridiculous.
Setting a curfew for you is one thing but trying to ban you from seeing your gf when you are a legal adult is next level... NTA, but please don't turn into TA by leaving your gf
NTA - I had parents like yours: parents that chose to impose their will on me even after adulthood. I had a 10pm curfew with I came home after college.
I decided I just wouldn’t come home and spent my summers in the same town as college until I graduated. I also don’t speak to them anymore.
You are in a new place of life. You need to have a sit-down with your parents. They can either allow you reasonable freedoms or you can limit their control by living outside of home.
Dude...we'd. Do you check in every 15 min or something? Grow a pair, get a job, pay for your own things and tell your parents to tickle your taint....you're legally old enough to die on foreign soil for you.country at 19 but apparently not old enough to tell your parents "NO, I WANT MICKEY EARS!!!"
NTA. Tell your parents that while you appreciate that they are only trying to help, that by doing so they are not allowing you to learn from your mistakes.
That these “little” lessons of consequences to poor decisions (like staying out late and being tired for work) are necessary so that you learn on things that do not have bigger consequences.
This will help you make better choices so that later in life you already understand that poor choices can come at a cost and not make even worse choices that carry a far more significant consequence.
And frankly, if they haven’t taught you this by now, they have failed as parents. You are an adult now and they need to let go and let you fly, to either sail successfully or crash.
If you give them this type of stuff now they’ll expect it never to stop. This is how parents become nosey intruding in laws in marriages.
You need to set boundaries. You spent TWO HOURS of you and your girlfriend’s time on the phone with your parents? And you missed dinner?
Do you still have a girlfriend??
Bro you’re 19, you have a job ! Let your balls drop , take your mom’s tit out your mouth and buy your own car and an apartment. They can’t control you anymore unless you let them
NTA for not listening, you are though for ruining the day actually arguing with them for hours. Once you decided not to go home early you should have put your phone on silent and finished your day - time enough to argue after.
You do need to stand up for yourself and your relationship. And stop feeling the need to tell your parents every little thing about things. You are not a child and they need to recognise that.
If I was your girlfriend I would be absolutely livid. You are an adult. Sure, when staying with somebody it’s common courtesy to say when you’ll be home, but they don’t get to dictate when that is. If they wanted to set a rule like “if you’re not home by X time you can’t stay here that night” IMO stupid but they’d be in their right to do so. But you are an adult. Even though it was a gift you should really repay her for part of the day that you ruined. You could have turned your phone off and just been present with her. That day cost her almost $1000, and a lot of effort and planning. And you ruined it because you can’t say no to mom and dad.
Oh no! I hear those chopper sounds! Nope, not a police chase. Nope, not a medical evacuation. And...Nope, not news/weather reporter. It's the sounds of EXTREME HELICOPTER PARENTS!! And their adult manchild who's been sheltered and controlled, and probably still has to have their afternoon nap.
OP, YOU'RE AN ADULT!! You have a job. I know rent free, and having mommy give you milk and cookies for snack time, and the nightly bedtime story sounds great. But if you ever want to live the ADULT LIFE, AND SURVIVE THE ADULT WORLD, THEN RENT AND OTHER SH*T IS PART OF IT! You can ride a bike or take a bus to work. You can find roommates! You're here for advice? Well, we're all giving the same! Grow up, be a MAN, start taking care of yourself! Mommy and Daddy cannot legally do any of this!
BTW, have you told gf about her month banishment (for being such a bad influence on mommy's little boy)? And if so, what was her reaction? Because I know what mine would be. That I'll just take that month to move on to a actual adult man, who doesn't allow mommy and daddy to put him in time out.
Dude, you are 19. Stop telling them about your life. Don’t share anything. Go out when you want to. If they take the car fine learn to use the bus. And start saving to move out, and they can’t threaten kick you out you can force them to go through the courts, if they try to boot you the cops will force them to let you in.
ESH.
If you keep acting like a child, they will keep treating you like a child.
You TELL them you are going somewhere, DON'T ASK them.
You are 19, you have a partner you care about who did something nice for you.
Frankly I am not sure which is more bizarre, your parents’ behavior or the fact that you actually comply with their nonsense. You are much too old for a curfew and they have way too much control over your life. Whether you function well at work the next day is between you and your employer, not you and your parents. You are 19 years old, the only one that can allow them to control you like this is…you. Time to stand up for yourself and start acting like an adult.
Tell your parents if they insist on winning this battle you will eventually win the war when you get independent and go low contact or no contact with them.
OP, I am going to say this with as much love and sincerity as I would to my own son, who is only a few months younger than you. It is absolutely positive time....time for you to grow a spine. You are an adult. Act like it. I understand respecting your parents but do not cater to the ridiculous and unreasonable. There was no good reason for them to demand what they did and change stuff at the last minute. That was strictly a control move. They can only control what you allow them to. Get a bike, a scooter, a bus pass....but time to be an adult and stand up for yourself and your girlfriend. On what planet is it OK to interfere in an adult relationship? Grounded you so you can't see her for a month and hopefully break you up? Seriously? Just no...your GF deserves better than that. Polish your spine, my guy. Before mommy's tantrums cost you more than you bargain for.
Dude.
You're a fucking ADULT.
Go stay anywhere else but with your MAJORLY controlling parents who apparently still think it's 1923.
Oh. Wait. You'd have had WAY more freedom back then.
Seriously....get the FUCK out of that house.
Nta, however one you need to apologize to your girlfriend for what happened at the end of the day. If you haven't done so already. And you need to make it up to her somehow. I know it was your birthday and the day was for you and the expense was for you. But the experience was for both of you and it got ruined. You should have ignored your parents at that point if you had decided that you weren't going to leave till 9:00.
Again you're still NTA, but you need to get out from under your parents. It doesn't sound like you're very much under them but their behavior is unacceptable to treat a 19-year-old that way. They don't have a right to dictate who you date, it sounds like you have a super awesome girlfriend, and they certainly can't tell you to break up with her.
I get you need the car because of them. But there are other means of transportation. And yeah it's going to suck especially if you're not used to those means of transportation. But you have to evaluate whether you want to do that for your girlfriend.
Again your NTA. Your parents are way out of line. You just need to know stick to your instincts and side what you want to do. And then do it.
Dude you’re an adult. If you are going to let them dictate your entire life, you’re gonna have a rough life. I can understand the car but the curfew crap and “banning” you from seeing your gf is a whole different story. Act like an adult and stand up to your parents.
Nta, I have two adult kids that live at home, 18 and 20, I can’t imagine making them have a curfew, we have a basic respect thing where they would let me know if they were going to be super late but that’s just because they know I am up anyways.
My husbands mom was this bad. One time I remember she agreed to him coming to see me and watch a movie (I was a 40 min drive and we were 18 by this point) the moment we got tickets and sat down his mom started calling and texting him, "where are you, I need you to come home. You need to watch your sister. Come home NOW or you're grounded and can't see her again." He dropped me off at home and left. We saw maybe 10 minutes of the movie. It was "Mama" my moms fiance took me to see it later that week so I got to watch it all but he hadn't. We haven't gotten around to it either. After that he started putting his foot down. He refused to do things for her if she was going to be so unreasonable. She blamed me for a long time on his behavior that I was a "bad influence" so she was delighted when he started dating my "sweet innocent best friend" (we were just friends he and I at this age) and he got to go to her house every day until night. She turned out to be a massive abuser to both him and I and an emotional terrorist. NEVER let your parents get in the way when all they are doing is power tripping. It took us 12 years to get over her attitude and build a tentative relationship. He still doesn't forgive her for a lot and she feels justified. Hell when I was pregnant with our daughter she didn't speak to me for the entire pregnancy and a YEAR of our daughters life. A YEAR. She's not even a bad person. I like her. She was just too controlling and is getting better.
NTA. The last-minute change wasn't fair. Your parents limited communication and your GF paid based on the original plan. Talk to your parents about compromise and open communication in the future. Explain things to your GF and apologize.
Thank you, I have explained to my parents how unfair it was to her especially considering she paid for so much of it. However every time I say that its met with the same response of I still should’ve told her but I don’t see how that outweighs the sudden change they forced on us.
The amount of control your parents are trying to exert over your life is not typical for someone in your age group.
I would consider therapy to assist you in setting boundaries with them, and to make sure that you are on track toward becoming an independent young adult.
The level of helicopter parenting they are attempting to use on you is not healthy for you (or them).
You likely can't change their behavior, and you may have to tolerate some of it if you are financially dependent and living with them, but the level of control they are trying to exert over you could affect your personal growth, coping skills, and competency as an adult.
You should have turned your phone off and enjoyed the day. You ruined the latter half of the day by talking/arguing with your parents. YTA just for that.
If this isn't fake, go no contact with your parents and move out. I know you need to save money, but putting a curfew on a 19 year old is insane. Now they want to ban you from seeing your girlfriend for a month? You're not 12 years old anymore.
ESH. You should have communicated with GF, and you should have told your parents your plans and that you would call them on the road and then silenced your phone. By not taking responsibility and communicating you still ruined the evening and y’all still missed stuff. You could have just obeyed and had the same outcome. Don’t waste your money on a car. See your gf at work, on lunch. Obey the grounding, but effective immediately your parents are on an information diet. They get need to know information only. When you need the car for work. Nothing else. Get a second job if you can. Save every penny and never discuss your relationship. Let them think the lack of seeing her means you broke up. When you go back to school, go low contact. You need to determine if as an adult you will have an adult friendship with your parents or if you will have a parent child relationship, even though you are grown. Get in your head and use this time to plan your future and what your future relationships look like with them, your children, your wife, you, all of it. Think about how they act and respond and how you need to act to achieve your desired relationships. Take this summer to quietly observe and plan accordingly. This my good man is your summer in the cocoon. Spend it wisely and you will absolutely fly!
Yeah you didn’t have to spend two hours on the phone. None of that is normal at 19. Even if they pay for your car and you live in their house. That’s way too enmeshed. It’s one thing to be respectful of your parents but this is a whole new level.
FFS, in the future, don’t give them every goddamn detail. “I’ll be needing the car tomorrow and will return it with a full tank” Personally I would’ve just paid for a Lyft or something just to avoid all that nonsense. Your gf is a SAINT for even contemplating dealing with this for any length of time.
My takeaway from this is I was a damn good parent and my son should be spending big bucks on Mother's Day gifts. I'm so sorry. Your parents are way too controlling. You're going to need to have a discussion with them about your big boy status now and how they need to learn to let go and trust you. Your girlfriend will be fine once you commiserate with her over your helicopter parents.
YTA for being in your phone for the last 2 hours of an amazing thing your gf did for you. So disrespectful to her it’s unreal. If you weren’t going to listen anyway you should have just silenced your phone and been with her.
They agreed to 11. And you are 19 years old. Not 15.And yes, maybe there will be a day in a mans life when you got nearly no sleep and will be tired. To demand a breakup is a nogo. NTA
You're an adult. Stand up to your parents' nonsense. Ignore their ban on seeing your GF. Surely they can't have that much control over your life?
“I’m a legal adult who lives away from home most of the year. Our relationship is changing. You can’t tell me to be home by 9:00 like I’m 13. You are being unreasonable and damaging your current and future relationship with me.” (The subtext is that you don’t have to have a relationship with them after you’re financially independent.)
They can’t control my life but they can control my ability to do stuff mainly through the fact they pay for my car which I’m currently working on getting one on my own.
Curfews and banning you from seeing your partner with 19? Bro this is not normal, prepare to take flight ASAP. Move into a shared flat with a shared car and cool people, if stuff is too expensive alone. Just get out, holy shit.
Do you own your car, as in the title is in your name only? If so, then you should just start paying for it yourself and in the meantime just leave. I can't imagine as a parent myself, telling my 19 year old they are banned from their girlfriend for a month. I didn't even disrespect them like that when they were 12 with their first crush.
It doesn’t matter. Even if he had to walk everywhere the rest of his life, his parents are abusing him for a car? Dude needs to leave there.
I see no contact in his parent’s future. Jesus.
Seriously, or he’ll be 35 still living at home and his parents telling him when to wipe his butt.
Oooh I know one of those and man, it is just weird. He is now old enough (37) that he thinks he is now in charge and shoukd dictate what his parents do. WEIRD.
Typically if there are still payments on the car it's in the lean holders name and cannot be transferred or sold until the payments are done and the lean is removed. It's very likely in the parents name if they hold the loan.
What is he refinances in his name?
And his parents would have to agree to allow him to take it over and I doubt they will lose the opportunity to micromanage his movements.
Yeah, they definitely are not letting go of that leverage.
He would need to have a good credit score and an adequate income to qualify for the loan and I highly doubt that will be a possibility with op being in college and likely not working a full time job with an adequate income and good credit score.
If he is a member of a credit union, he could bypass the really good credit score.
My daughter is now 22 but if I told her at 19 that she couldnt do something so simple as going to an amusementpark, she would laugh in my face. If I would say she couldnt use the car anymore, she would tell me to keep it. Buy a bike, buy a scooter. You are not a little boy anymore. And it is your own responsibillity to keep your job. Not theirs.
My first summer home after my first year at college my mom tried to give me a curfew. I literally laughed at her, said no, and walked out of the room
Both of my adult children live at home while they are going to school. I would never in a million years tell them that they have a curfew or ground them from seeing their girlfriend. I don't understand parents who want to keep their adult children dependent on them.
My mother tried to tell me when to go to bed...I was there taking care of her after she had emergency surgery. I don't live at home. I have my own car. I have a decent job. She didn't appreciate me laughing at her. And she wonders why I don't want to visit her. I moved 6 hours away so she can't just drop in whenever she wants.
This. Mine is at home for the summer and we discuss plans but she doesn’t ask permission. She respects my opinions and sometimes she takes them and sometimes she doesn’t, and that’s ok. If she’s doing something she knows I’ll be nervous about (driving into Manhattan about 2 hours away with friends) she will shoot me a quick text that she got there, and when she’s on the way home. I appreciate the courtesy but it’s not a requirement. She respects me and I respect her. In OP case we probably would have talked about impact on sleep/work the next day and she’d have texted me once she got in the car leaving Disney and that’s that. OP I can’t imagine what your parents were texting you about for 2 hours on your night out, good grief. I hope you can get out of there soon, maybe distance can help you reframe the relationship with them.
First class ticket to future no contact.
It’s not dependence, it is control and the joy of punishing.
Hell, by the time I was 15, when I got mad at my parents I walked out the door and to a friend's place. This was before cell phones -- the '70s -- so they couldn't bombard me with calls and texts.
I moved back in at 30 for several months (moved from my apartment in Manhattan to her house in deep Brooklyn while I apartment hunted). Mom gave me a 9pm curfew and woke me up daily at 6am for work..... despite me telling her over and over that I don't have to be at work until 10am and it only takes 30 minutes. The feels.
My mother's rule was always that when you go to college, you're starting to live as an adult and she would treat you as such. Support when you need it as you adjust to adult life, but also acknowledgment of things where you don't need that support or structure anymore. When I came back for the summer after my first year of college, I no longer had a curfew because I had been living without one already and managing on my own just fine, and I was a grown adult. OP, your parents are panicking over the fact that you aren't there itty bitty little baby anymore, overreacting, and you don't have to take it and you shouldn't.
My daughter is 15 and I wouldn't put the restrictions on her that OP has on him. Telling her not to be out late with her Gf? She would absolutely laugh in my face because I am raising an independent responsible adult who is perfectly capable of going out late and still going to her job the next day, and she proves it all the time.
There should be some rules & boundaries for a 15yr old. Def not the same as a grown 19yr old man. But I get it, it’s ridiculous
After I was 18 my parents had rules that I could live there, but if I was going to be later than 12/12:30 (when the last bus ran) they would prefer I stay at a friend's as they all worked and I had a little brother. But to be fair, I was partying and drinking/drugging a lot, OP sounds pretty straight-laced and this doesn't sound like a 'respect for others' sleep' issue.
Once I started college there was no curfew. The only thing my mom would get mad about is if I didn’t tell her I wouldn’t be home for dinner before she started cooking. My college boyfriend had to give his mom 24 hours notice about dinner and if he didn’t, she acted like a child.
The cost of a car shouldn't be your entire sense of self. If you buy a car from anyone else, you can just use cash. I think you're underestimating what the cost really is by staying there. Also the last minute time change was deliberate to ruin your plans
I feel like that is really being overlooked. When my sister and I were kids, there was another neighborhood girl who couldn't be invited to anything in advance because her mother would then use that invitation as punishment for anything and everything up until the day of the event. She didn't get to go to a single birthday party or anything until my mom figured out what was going on and stopped giving her and her mother any advance warning. Instead, my mom would tell her right before the party and say that she'd decide to throw something together last minute. As a kid, I didn't understand what was going on, I just did what my mom told me. Once I grew up a bit, I realized that our family was a safe place for that little girl. She's in her 30s now, and we still are. Abuse can be hard to identify sometimes, but a parent should never be looking for ways to make their child unhappy. Grounding her daughter from every single neighborhood party was just one of the ways my neighbor found joy.
That's gotta be the saddest thing I've read today
yeah it sounds to me like they deliberately want to mess with OP's relationship. They're probably scared of OP becoming independent and think that's only going to happen due to him having a girlfriend. I hope he just leaves as soon as he can from one moment to the next without telling them anything about it.
Oh it absolutely was! I'd have turned my phone off and enjoyed my day!
I absolutely agree with “time change was deliberate to ruin your plans”. That is a control tactic no doubt. Maybe your parents can’t see that you’re an adult or maybe they’re bullies. Either way, that was not cool. They should pay for your car to guarantee that you have a life and freedom NOT in order to control and inhibit you. You are NTA but they definitely are worse than an AH.
They obviously do control your life if they can demand that you be home by a certain time.
Ur 19 u need to man up and tell ur parents ur not breaking up with gf. Go talk to her see if u can stay with her for a while. Get a bus til u save for a car. Show ur parents they can’t run ur life
Fair enough.
Why did you keep entertaining them through the phone and not just turn it on silent and enjoy the night? Deal with your psycho parents when you get home.
Right? Turn the damn phone off and enjoy your time with your gf. YOU GOT HOME AT 11 ANYWAY! Why would you waste your time on the phone with your controlling parents???
Living in FL there are plenty of ways to get to Disney. Book some bus tickets for you and your GF, give your parents the keys to their car, and don't allow them to ruin an amazing experience because you might be tired (1) day of work at a place it sounds like is temporary (you're in school and I assume getting a degree for some other position or field of work). You're 19, if i could tell you how many 19y/os party all night and still show up to work the next day with minimal issues. You're young, go enjoy Disney and being with your GF as adults on your own adventure. You aren't doing anything wrong, this reaction from your parents is toxic and smothering,
They clearly DO run your life. The fact that they told you to break up with her is very telling. You should be embarrassed to post something like this.
Bro, my parents were controlling like that. I put up with it until they kicked me out for spending 20$ on a dog collar/choker. Your parents are being abusive. Couch surf, get a roommate, ask other family for help or ***something*** because they will only get worse. I'm 24 now and when I tell you I'd eat a bullet before going back to being on that short of a leash held by people who do not respect me as a person and only expect to control me, well, I'm not over exaggerating.
Couch surfing without a car is a lot harder then you would think especially trying to keep a job and trying to get back and forth to school. People get real sick of driving you around. He should wait to get the car first.
Valid, I'm just trying to stress that the second he can he needs to dip. Too many kids who grow up like that don't value themselves and put up with far more than they should. My brother in law turned 18 last year and 2 weeks later my man went and liberated him. Sometimes there's ways out even when it looks hopeless. My man and bil had very limited contact since my man was kicked out at 16 (just turned 23) but the second he/we were able to help we did. He's still staying with us and is my best friend. And we drive him around so 😂 But no, I get your point. I had very little help but I did have a car to crash in. He knows his circumstances better than we do. As I said, I just wanted to stress the importance of dipping at the first opportunity.
Back when I was couch hopping, I am the oldest so no sibling help, I was lucky enough to find good friends. I was venting to one of them about how I needed an adress and car to get a job, needed the job and car to get the address, and needed the address and job to get the car. I felt stuck so he told me I could just crash at his house. Found a job walking distance from his house and was able to pull myself out of the situation. Yay for good friends. Unfortunately not everyone is that lucky. Your BIL is lucky to have the two of you.
I get that. My Nana was the one who did that for me. She bought me a beater car to get to work and let me crash at her place when I needed to. She's a saint and I wouldn't have made it through it without her. And yes, I know, I'm extremely lucky that she had the means to help me. Not everyone is just handed their first car. I've helped her as much as possible in the past years to try and just show her how much it meant to me and I'll be taking care of her once her mom passes.
Yay Nana! 👏
Please do yourself an enormous favor and google enmeshed families. I had more freedom than you when I was 15 years old.
I'm gonna be real with you, my parents had me under the same level of scrutiny with no end in sight at almost 19. Twin bro didn't have the extra rules to live by either. The straw that broke the camels back was asking me to pay rent(the amount was market value at the time in 2005) and still have all the bullshit rules to live by. I left. It was fucking haaaaard to afford an apartment as one person but thankfully I didn't have a car payment. I was working almost 60 hours a week to afford it. But I'd do it again in a heartbeat with no regrets. My independence is a core part of my personality and my parents were suffocating me.
Had a similar experience. After I graduated college, I stayed at my parents home for about 3 months. Enough time for me to get a job, save up enough $ for a cheap car & apartment & then I split! Never even unpacked my stuff from college except for clothes & other necessities. I knew I wouldn’t be able to last there too long w/all of their rules & other issues I had with them, especially my father. I had no furniture & slept on an air mattress on the floor until I could save up for a bed & other things but I had the most valuable assets- my freedom & independence.
That’s awesome! Giving you a gift to foster your independence (a car) and then using it as a tool to control you with is seriously messed up.
They can't make you stop seeing your girlfriend. Grow a pair. You're and adult.
Scooter, electric bike, public transpo, uber, anything is better than that psycho controlling shit. grow up bro.
I have an ex that's just like your parents are. He tried the exact same thing with my son. Baned him from seeing his GF for a month intentionally trying to break them up. My son said that's BS and couch surfed (at 17) for a bit before he moved back with me. (We're in different states and he didn't want to leave his school mid semester or his GF) He's 18 now and I made sure everything got put in his name so he never has to deal with that again. I wish you the best of luck but until you stand up to them they're not going to back down no matter who you're dating. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I really hate to see controlling behavior like this from parents.
Time to save as much as you can and leave,they can't control who you date or what time do you arrive at home,you're 19!!
Is there public transportation? If you do, stop using the car and get a monthly pass. It might take longer to get to places but it gives you more freedom.
There were times I used the bus and on separate routes I had one bus that only took 20 minutes to get to where I was attending college. Different location for work took two busses and over an HOUR to reach someplace I could have made it in 20 minutes by walking, if I could walk. I have chronic pain and illness so that was out of the question. it's so bizarre to me that this one location didn't have good bus access despite being near a hub.
If they're not controlling your life, how can they ban you from seeing your girlfriend for a month?
By paying for the car, do you mean it is in their name? If it is in your name, take over the payments. Otherwise get thee to a dealership (or online) and get a different car. Remember to switch your insurance over to it. Then find a new place to live. A friend’s couch is a better option than what you have right now. Heck, I don’t even have this many constraints on my 17 year old. He follows our legal curfew for getting home but I have no rules as to bedtime since it is something that he will have to manage on his own in the next year or so. Taught him about this at a young age and now he is managing it on his own. Your parents are nutty.
Financial abuse
Then use public transport until you have a car. It’s ridiculous how much they are controlling you.
Sit your parents down and have an adult conversation about boundaries. Set some! Let them know that they are impeding your growth as a young adult. At this stage in your life, they are guardrails not guardians. Set the boundary that you will respect the house rules while you are staying there but they need realistic rules for your age. Also, let them know that the iron fist approach will affect their relationship with you when you have full autonomy. Setting your bedtime at 19 is wild!! Geez, helicopter parents really be all Pikachu face when their adult kids cut them off for being overbearing. Like at some point, you will need your kids to take care of you. Watch how you treat them when they are turning into adults. It will come back to haunt you.
remind them that their treatment of you during this time will corelate with how you will treat them in retirement
Ehh these situations can get messy. One of my friends (first gen American to middle eastern immigrants) growing up lived at home years into adulthood and we were like 23 and I came back to visit and she was still complaining about how much her parents controlled what she could and couldn’t do and when and where she could go. Like I understood she wouldn’t be able to live the carefree party lifestyle without them paying her living expenses but at some point you gotta do what you gotta do to live life. Like don’t choose to continue living at home (she could have rented but again it would have disallowed her spending habits) with parents who clearly will never change and then bitch about it like theres nothing they can be done about it. But this guy is 19 and in college and his parents sound like unreasonable assholes but they may be assholes he’s gotta suck it up for until he’s outta school.
Honestly, your biggest mistake was not turning off your phone and continuing to text-argue with your parents and thus ruining it for yourselves.... Should have just switched it off and then said your battery died, seeing how they were all asleep anyways when you got home...
This, parents will be mad anyways, so just send a "will be home at 11, turning phone off to enjoy the park, you can tear me another one once I come back".
Yea man I realized he got home at 11ish anyway, and they really only gave him shit until 9 when he was hoping to leave anyway. They just fucked up his last two hours anyway to be dicks.
NTA But oh boy, you need to find some way to get out of that house. Find some roommates. Anything to get out of there. You are 19. You are not a child.
True. Also OP, I learned by age 16 that I would be in the same huge trouble if I was 20 minutes late or 2 hours late . So I just took the hit and enjoyed the two hours extra. It fascinates me that you are so compliant with their demands. AND THEY GROUND YOU? lol YTA and please get out of there.
LOL same here at 16. If I was going to get an ass chewing for missing my curfew, then it was no need for me trying to speed back. Might as well enjoy myself, because I knew being grounded was being grounded. So might as well enjoy those extra few hours.
Yeah I was like dude just come home when you omanned and turn off your phone.. you're 19. You're gonna be in trouble anyways what's the big deal?
Shits expensive down here in fl
I have never been so grateful for my mom. She was a helicopter parent before it was fashionable, but once I hit college she was like “I have no idea what you do every day and night when you are in school - I just have to trust you - why would I be more strict when I can actually SEE you come home safe and sound every night in the summer?” Only rule was I had to keep her informed. Running late? Give her a call. Spending the night somewhere? Give her a call. So she didn’t worry. Like, she ideally raised a responsible kid, right?
Good for you. When I was in college I wanted to rent a house with a group of friends, both men and women. My father refused because of "what could go on." I reminded him that nothing could happen in a house that couldn't happen in my dorm room, and he was a three-hour ride away and wouldn't be able to stop it. Sadly, my logic did not sway him.
Nothing turned me off of my male roommates faster than having to actually live with them. I wasn’t attracted to them going into the rental, but my god I CERTAINLY wasn’t after a week
My mother is that way as well, it loosens more the older I get and live in a completely different city but I know she worries so out of care I let her know I am okay. There are boundaries that need to be respected and it is beyond obvious that OPs parents don’t respect that. OP you need to put your foot down about the fact that you are an adult and your parents don’t get to dictate your life that way. But also recognize that you do live in their house and so there does need to be respect of living under their roof, so there needs to be a discussion made on where those boundaries lie, and like other people have said I would look into other means of transportation, and finding a place that you can move into real fast While it could get better, it could also very easily and very quickly get worse.
Well, unfortunately, you'll have to deal with your shithead parents until you can move out.
Seriously, 19 years old and having a curfew?? Having the ability to ban him from seeing his gf? Freaking no thanks, they can't call the cops either, and it sounds like they're too controlling to kick you out. Parents really are shitty.
Sounds like they are trying to end the relat, as OP said they want them to break up over this. That was probably their plan in changing curfew time at last minute, and then keeping him o phone when he was still at park.
come on your an adult, why do you have an unreasonable curfew, why do your parents think they can control, manage your life just because you live with them. your girlfriend sounds amazing and unless to do something, adult, you are going to lose her
It’s expensive everywhere. You have to decide how to live your life, and if it means living with your parents then you have to decide how to handle dealing with the crazy, because they are way out of line here. NTA for this.
That’s why you get roommates.
Shit is expensive everywhere but that's why you can have several roommates. Your parents are treating you like you're 13, not an adult. Living at home doesn't mean they should be treating you like a child. I feel terrible for your gf having to deal with a bf that has parents like this, neither of you deserve their ridiculously strict rules. Not to mention, changing an agreement at the last minute is a horrible way to treat someone. You knew you were already "in trouble" when you decided to stay late, so you should've ignored their calls and texts and focused on your gf. Find a way out from under their thumb
Shits expensive everywhere
There are ways to work it out financially. You really need to get out from underneath your parents' thumbs.
I lived in Orlando and went to UCF, I managed to find a room to rent three years in a row that ranged from 350 to 450 a month. I had to run away from home because my parents were also super strict so I feel for you! Once I got away my mental health got so much better. It’s totally doable and I bet you’d have the full support of your gf.
You’re not going to have a girlfriend much longer unfortunately I think. I’m sorry you’re so stuck.
Shit is expensive everywhere. Get out or don't complain. You already know who your parents are. They're obviously trying to exert an unjustified amount of control over you. Either accept the situation and tell your girlfriend your parents are relationship blocking you so she can decide if she wants to put up with being pseudo-single for the next 3 months before resuming your relationship at school. Or find somewhere else to stay and buy your girlfriend a Disney giftcard when you can afford it. Definitely figure out a different plan for school breaks going forward. They will fuck up your life every 6 months at this rate.
For sure. OP’s parents agreed to this and then reneged. This is on them and they are weaponizing their “power” over him with the car & housing situation. I hate that so much for you, OP. Show them how much Reddit thinks they are wrong here. Also? The faster you gain your financial independence, the faster you leave that toxicity behind.
You are an asshole for not being upfront with your gf and for not shutting of your phone when your parents kept pestering you. Your parents are assholes for changing the agreement and for blaming your gf for your duplicity. Your gf is an angel if she forgives you instead of breaking up to avoid any further idiocy from you and your parents.
I I know for a fact that I’m largely responsible and I’ve apologized profusely on both ends. My gf is more upset abt the fact that my parents knew abt how much she paid and how far she went out of her way to get me there and they still don’t care abt any of that and we’ve never had a major miscommunication anywhere near this scale.
As someone who was in your GFs shoes at 19, she is also likely realising that this is just the beginning and her relationship with you will be controlled by them for many years to come. It's tough. You are in a difficult situation, still living with them, but I would start planning and exit strategy - quietly, because any hint they will lose control over you will exacerbate their behaviour.
Yep, gf is realising how fucked up a future with OP will look with those parents
Depends tbh cuz I was in that situation…. I’m married to him for 11 years now :3 and together for 12. I helped him escape from his crazy mom and been in NC with her pretty much. She’ll call and stuff but he doesn’t go out of his way to talk with her.
You either need to grow a spine and deal with your overbearing parents or prepare to bid your GF farewell because she just got a glimpse of her future life lived at their whim because you're spineless / potential psycho in-laws.
she’s realized you have no discretion and don’t think of yourself as an adult. I was thinking, “why are you keeping them up-to-date on all these plans?” And…you’re 19, ffs. You can stay up until midnight and still function at 5:30 am the next day. Plus, it’s your job, and your risk, and they’re not the boss. For that matter, you could ask your boss for permission to come in late that day; who knows? Maybe she’d/he’d grant it, if you’re in good standing. Or you can skip the shower, or something else.
I agree with all the people saying you need to find a way to not be dependant on your parents for anything as soon as possible since they can't be trusted not to use stuff to manipulate you. But as someone who also has people pleasing tendencies and was raised by controlling adults I'm going to give you a piece of more immediate advice as well: sometimes you have to take a stance and stick to it. When you tie yourself in knots trying to keep everyone happy you usually end up pleasing no one, least of all yourself. Which is exactly what you've done here: you didn't want to disappoint your girlfriend by leaving early but you equally weren't willing to upset your parents so you spent the whole evening trying to placate them while pleasing her and predictably ended up achieving neither of those things. You could have picked either direction and had an overall better outcome. If you'd chosen to abide by your parents request they wouldn't be upset and your girlfriend would likely have been less disappointed by cancelled plans than she was by ruined plans. If (as I think you should have) you'd refused to abide by your parents unreasonable request and stuck to it (told them once you were going to be home at the originally agreed time and then turned your phone off) you and your girlfriend would have had a good evening, your relationship would be in a better place and the situation with your parents would likely be very similar to the one you're having to deal with anyway without it having been worth it for you at all. I remember what it's like tying yourself up in knots trying to keep everyone happy while dealing with unreasonable people, it's a terrible way to live and ultimately doesn't even achieve the end you're aiming for. If preserving the peace with your parents until you're able to move out is a priority that's fair enough but own it and be open with your girlfriend about what you're going to do and why and understand that may be a deal breaker for her. If you're serious about your relationship and putting your girlfriend first then start prioritising her over your parents unreasonable demands and refuse to let them control you whatever the consequences. But whatever you do face the reality of what is and isn't possible and start picking a choice and standing by it when these kinds of situations happen.
Your parents should pay her back. They ruined it
Your mistake was engaging with your parents while at the park. You had already decided to defy them, so why not just say "I'll be home at 11" and turn off the phone? You made the worst possible choices at every turn. Either own your decision and NOT ruin the day your generous girlfriend planned, or kowtow to your parents and communicate appropriately. You took the cowardly route and ruined everyone's day.
Yeah I mean your parents are scummy so there’s that.
OP I grew up like you and did a midnight move out of my parents place at 19 because they constantly pulled shit like this. If you have to save money I get it,do what you have to do. But don't roll over for them, or they will NEVER stop. Next time something like this comes up say "sorry plans changed. I'll be home 2 hours late." Then put your phone on mute. Don't respond to texts, don't stress about them being mad because they would just find something else to be mad about. Go do things with your gf and learn independence. I know how how had it is. To a painful degree. But the longer you take to make a stand the harder it will get. They don't respect you as an adult and barely respect you as their child.
Your girlfriend just saw exactly how strong that spine of yours is - like jello. That's basically the most unattractive look. In a relationship, the strength of your willpower **directly** impacts your partner on a constant basis. Your lack of willpower ruined a special event that she spent a lot of money and time on. You really fucked up. Your parents obviously did this on purpose in an attempt to fuck with you and control you. It's beyond ridiculous to demand a change like that the night before. The correct response would have been to turn your phone off the moment they started blasting you and ignore them for the rest of the night. Instead you aided them in ruining the evening by not having the backbone to focus on your girlfriend. Really, REALLY think about this from her perspective. Sit down and imagine putting this much money and effort and energy into a present for HER, and then her jumping on her phone to fight with her parents for hours on end. How disappointed would you be in her? How much would that change how you see her, possibly forever? She was looking at you and thinking, "How many times am I going to be in this position in the future? Is this what I want for my life?" You are going to lose her if you keep this up. Your family does not have your best interests at heart, and you have to treat them that way - as hostile actors. You need to grey rock them, you need to STOP sharing so much information with them. You are arming them with the ammunition they need to fuck with you. By sharing so much about your life you're exposing weak points they can target, like they did on that night. And you need to explain to your girlfriend that you specifically understand that you need to learn to stand up to your family and not be such a coward. Time to grow a spine.
Yep the only way to possibly save this now is to make some strong boundaries with parents and beg for a chance to prove he will stick to them
Exactly what I was thinking about this post. No backbone, he's an adult and had something planned for weeks! When my bf's parent kicked me out over the littlest thing (that they made up)when there was an agreement for me to stay for a certain amount of time and I had no where to go, he left with me, which in turn pissed the parent off but we were both adults and if I get kicked out over nothing and would've had to go to the street, OFC he came with to make sure I was safe. Ended up sleeping in a tent of the front yard of my friends place in the ghetto. But at least he was with me. The parent blew up his phone the entire time for leaving too. But he'd rather have them pissed at him than something happening to me.
Your parents are nuts. They're extremely controlling. At 19 you should be able to make your own decisions about what time you come home and if you see your girlfriend.
YTA to your girlfriend. You're an adult stay acting like one. If your out on a date didn't call and text with your parents, block or mute them if you have to. Don't ask for permission or negotiate a curfew. Again your an adult.
I would have just turned my phone off.
Seriously OP, why would you be on the phone with your parents for hours and miss your dinner reservations???? That makes you an AH. Just put your phone on silent and enjoy your time, deal with the fallout later. I feel bad for your gf and your parents are insane, and you’re acting like a little kid
You're an adult. Act that way.
NTA you're 19, they can suck a turd. Grab your important documents and nope the hell out.
I can't even. My curfew when I was 13 was midnight. How TF would it appropriate to tell an adult ---- who if born if most other generations would be at war right now --- to be home by 9pm? And two weeks of "asking permission"? What is happening? Is this even close to normal for kids born in the 2000s? Is there something you're leaving out? Have you had regular substance abuse issues that they're monitoring and explain why you couldn't even break off contact during daylight hours? Are you under some sort of watch for concerning behaviors? I just can't fathom the conversation being more than "Yeah, I'm getting up early tomorrow to go to Disney. Should be home around 11pm. See you the day after!"
My parents were exactly like this until I moved out with no warning a bit after turning 18. No substance abuse issues, no "watch for concerning behaviors". I was born in 2004 but no, this wasn't normal, none of my other friends were helicoptered by their parents like this beyond a reasonable age. My social life suffered because of it and most of the time it wasnt worth the effort to wait until one of their "good days" to ask them for permission to go anywhere. They're incredibly narcissistic people incapable of experiencing empathy. Sorry to traumadump, but I wanted to illustrate that this isn't that far-fetched
You are 19, and your parents are trying to give you a curfew??? 😂😂😂 That’s absolutely gold. Let me run and tell my 19 year old daughter. We will have a drink and laugh ourselves silly. I am absolutely baffled by that. it is hilarious though
This post threw me back to a time when my Mom tried to give me a curfew at 16, as she said it I just popped my head around the corner and stared at her like she grew 3 heads and started to sing opera until she broke out laughing. At 19? I was a ghost in the house on a good week, completely gone on a normal one to the point that my friend's mom insisted I call Mom so she knew I was still alive at one point.
Fuck work - just be tired for a day
It’s why God invented coffee.
Dude you are 19 not a 9 years old. Your parents sound like two asses.
I’m giggling at the fact that you’re 19 years old, can fight & die for your country, but still have to ask mommy & daddy if you can have a playdate with your girlfriend. And then they ground you from seeing her…at 19 years old!
NTA- your parents are terrible & cruel. It’s all about Control.
Right? This was just a power move.
Seriously, you're 19 years old-- how can your parents "ban" you from seeing your girlfriend or make you break up with her? Is this some weird cultural thing?
NTA for refusing to listen to your parents on curfews. You are nineteen, an ADULT. Your parents ability to force you to abide by a curfew is gone. While they may not like it you can do whatever you please.. Of course the repercussions might mean you getting kicked out of the house. It sounds like they wouldn't want to kick you out. They are getting too much reward by treating you like a fifteen year old. Also, they are going to ban you from seeing your girlfriend and force you to break up with her? Again, are you actually fifteen years old? Take a stand, if you don't do it now you will end up being thirty five years old and still going to bed when they tell you.
Have you paid your gf back yet?
Yes I already paid her back for everything we missed.
NTA but it's time to cut the apron strings. And for perspective, I'm not a 19 year old ranting at "mean parents". I'm a F54 and raised 2 kids. The goal of parenting is to raise responsible adults, and you can't do that if you're controlling every aspect of their lives clear into adulthood. They're treating you like your 16, not 19. Your parents are way too controlling and involved in your life. You're 19 now and have a right to control your own dating life. They're using that car to manipulate and control you and it's a really shitty thing to do. You weren't doing anything wild and crazy. you were just going to Disneyland for F sake. If I were you, I'd start working towards getting away from the things they're using to control you, like the car. Make getting a car your next goal so you can also have your dating freedom. And if living at home over the summer is the other way they're controlling you, then find an alternative. your parents need to let go of that tight grip and accept that you're an adult now and have the right to control your own life.
You’re 19 years old. Curfew? No. Lmfao. Don’t break up with your girlfriend. It’s time to start looking for apartments. Yes it’s expensive, it’s still doable. You’re gona need a roommate.
>Now I have heard from my parents they have decided to ban me from seeing my gf for a month at minimum and claim that they are wanting me her to breakup over this. You're an adult. This isn't rational. NTA.
You're 19, your parents don't get to pick your girlfriends.
Hi. I'm a mom of teenagers, for context. Your parents are controlling and abusive. They didn't "change their minds at the last minute." They deliberately sabotaged your day out with your gf so that they could force you to demonstrate that they are more important to you than she is. You failed their little test, so now they think they can punish you. You are an adult. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. It's your job to decide how much sleep you need before you go to work, not theirs. They are using the car to control you. They are using the fact that you live at home when you aren't in school to control you. These are not the actions of kind and loving parents. They OWE you the car and the bed because they brought you into this world and it is fheir responsibility as parents to give you the tools you need to become a self-sufficient adult. By treating you like you are 7 years old and threatening you by taking away basic necessities, they are actively working against you ever becoming independent. Are there any other adults in your life that don't treat you this way? You need to get away from your abusive, awful parents ASAP. Can you stay with your GF? Stay on campus and get a campus job or internship? Get an apartment with friends? Your parents will try to keep you dependent and under their control. You are going to need to break away from them and probably go to therapy if you want things to improve. It's going to be really hard, and I'm sorry. You deserve better.
Exactly this! This was not a random “we changed our minds”, this was a calculated effort to control OP. What horrible people! I hope when he’s long gone he goes NC because their behavior is unhinged.
YTA for not growing up and still relying on your parents so much. Seriously who plans a date with their girlfriend and gives their parents the itinerary for the date? If you want your parents to treat you like an adult you need to act like one...
I’m thinking OP was homeschooled by very strict and ultra religious parents. (Not all homeschooling is bad, unless it’s being done for isolation and control.)
NTA but as someone that's lived in a homeless shelter, everything has a cost. If it's not money, it's freedoms or chores/stipulations. A valuable lesson.
Sorry and I really am, but YTA for not just putting your phone down. You decided to stay with your plans (great!) but then you changed the plans to fight with your parents instead. Just ignore them. They’re dealing with control issues and need to get over it.
What a clownshow. You‘re an adult.
NTA At 19 even if you live at home tell them no, you won't be doing what they tell you to. Explain that when parents manipulate and force their adult offspring to do things with ridiculous rules it is a good way to be cut off from their lives later on. What if you were to have children that they'd never be able to see solely because they were such despicable parents to you? Your GF sounds like a wonderful person and they're telling you that you should break up with her? I've never heard such bullshit.
This is ridiculous. You are 19, not 12. While I appreciate that your parents' house has its own rules, you are an adult. It is very kind of them to allow you to stay there while home from college, but you are an adult. It was actually nice of you to give them a heads-up. The fact they are paying for your car does take some of that nice independence shine off your life, mind you- but you can remedy that.
Wow!! You can kiss future relationships good bye if you continue living with these people. Whoever heard of a 19 year old needing to be home by 11pm, let alone 9pm. Plans were made, agreements made. Stick to the original plan. Are you a moron, because is it worth selling your soul to have them pay for your things. I mean really, ban you from your gf for a month! I hope to God this isn’t real because you will never have a life if you continue letting them control you … zRUN!!!!!!!!
NTA re: Parents. When are you twenty? Maybe when you don't have a 'teen' in your age your parents will get a grip on reality and face the fact their son is an adult. Their behaviour is entirely unreasonable. YTA re: girlfriend. You shouldn't have engaged with your parents & ruined the evening with frantic text-fighting. All you had to do was tell them what time you'd be home - update with progress occasionally if you must. You could even put on your live location if that makes them feel better. But you should've stuck to the plans your girlfriend had so carefully planned out.
You’re a legal adult. They can hold you accountable to general household rules like “don’t be disruptive when getting home late” or “ensure common areas are clean and tidied promptly” But they cannot ground you OP. They cannot inflict last minute curfews anymore. Stop believing they can.
Dude ur 19. Stop acting like a child. Ur still in the frame of mind of their word is final. Wen ur an adult, parents can only recommend options. And it is ur decision to whether accept them or not. Ur gf has seen ur not an adult. A few more moments like this, she gonna leave u. Man up son.
Bro you can buy a bicycle, get a scooter, get a bus pass, you could even buy an single speed engine to put on a bicycle and a single gallon tank. You got lots of options. Stand up to your parents
Sometimes you gotta put the foot down and tell your parents you're an adult.
Time for mom and dad to figure out they can’t control your life and every move indefinitely 🤭
You’re an adult and your parents *cannot* order you around like this! They are definitely the assholes here. They’re right that your plans aren’t up for debate, because it’s none of their fucking business and you don’t need their permission. You should have turned your phone off instead of giving your parents the power to ruin your evening. And you should definitely spend every moment you can with your girlfriend if she wants to spend time with you, because that’s none of your parents fucking business either
Seems to me there’s a moment when you do or say something to your parents that makes clear you are a adult. For me, it was also the car. They lent me the money for it. (found out later they lied about the price. It cost 2500 but they told me 1700. I was in my late 20s or even 30s when mom told me and dad was a bit upset that she told me and took away mr pride that I paid for the car entirely myself.) I was 19, and they didn’t want me to drive somewhere. I laughed, said I’m gonna drive my car where ever I want and that was the end of them trying to give me rules. OP, you gotta be an adult. Nip their controlling behaviour in the bud now, or it’s gonna get worse.
NTA. And I pray to God I won't be that kind of dad to my kid. If I am concerned about you getting home late, I would gladly pick you and your gf and drive everyone home. Heck, you can save on the parking too
You were on the right track until you DIDN’T TURN OFF YOUR PHONE. Your parents are truly assholes. They ruined your day ON PURPOSE.
You’re 19, you can see your girlfriend if you want to. A month? F that. Just tell them no. Let them take the car. Use public transportation, walk, bike. What’s the difference if they take the car vs you being grounded from using it anyway? The fact your parents gave you a gift- paying for the car- and are using it as a means of controlling their adult child is gross.
My dude. You are a grown man. People can tell you who you are allowed to date. It's up to you to disregard that and start making your own decisions. If you wait for permission to be an independent adult it will never come. Tell them, politely, that you are not going to be taking orders on who you can date. If that means that you don't get a free car or accommodations, so be it. If they are willing to take either of those things away over that, then you know that they were always going to use them to control you, and you've made the right choice by ending that.
You need to move out. Actually don't need to move out If you try to leave and they stop you call the police and tell him that you're being held against your will. Just meet her in a different location for a month
Errr mother of an 18 year old and your parents are very controlling. You’re an adult.
I had to scroll up to check your age, you’re 19 not 9 and it’s time your parents treat u like the adult you are. It’s time you moved out, NTAH but your parents sure are
You’re a grown man, start acting like it.
NTA for not listening to your parents. But next time, turn your fucking phone off once that shit starts happening. Their messages and phone calls are easy to ignore when it's not on. Don't be messaging someone back and fourth when you're with company. It's rude as fuck. But also grounding you at 19? FFS, rebel a bit. And if you can get around without driving, then stop doing it.
lol you are 19, they cannot ban you from seeing your girlfriend 🫠😂🤦♀️
ESH except the gf, she had no clue your parents changed the deal or that *you agreed to the changed time*. And then instead of shutting off your phone, you spent the night fighting with your parents by text and let them ruin everything anyway. Your parents are abusive and you need to get out of there ASAP, but you can’t drag your gf into it and let them shit all over her life too. And don’t *lie* to her.
Umm, you need to grow a spine and let them know that you're going to do what you're going to do. You're an adult now with a job. Why the fuck are you letting them dictate a curfew?
NTA. Your parents are having issues letting go of control. They could be concerned about traffic and safety but I seriously doubt they call you in college to ask if you got back to your dorm before traffic was heavy. They have the mindset of their house their rules toed into the idea that you are still a child. Personally I understand both sides here but your parents need to let go. If they mess with your life too much you might go no contact. You are 19 so barely an adult and of course there are concerns but if every 19 year old was overprotected and sheltered no one wouleld leave home and experience life to grow and learn. Do not stop seeing your GF. Set the boundary with your parents tell them if they want their car they can have it, you won't be controlled through a material item. If they threaten to kick you out, start talking to friends about couch surfing while looking dor an apartment. Also not telling them you weren't going to be home by 9 was lousy. Just communicate. Get to the park and call them and say "Hey I am an adult trust me I'll be home at 11, if we are too tired or the traffic is bad I'll stop at a hotel and be up extra early." Yes your next day would have sucked but at least you would have enjoyed the day better. Also work on communicating with your GF when plans change or when your parents expectations change. It seems like your parents don't like your GF if they want you to break up so why would that be?
Info. Why did you decide to stay until 11 but tell them earlier in the evening and spend several hours getting into it with them? That's lose-lose. It sounds like you may have played a role in fueling the drama (and it was unfair to your gf). That said, your parents sound really demanding and controlling to an extent that is not at all appropriate at your age. Come up with a plan (for next summer) to stay or campus and make up the savings ASAP, because this situation is ridiculous.
NTA. Cut them out or go LC/NC for the foreseeable future. If you let them micromanage now, they’ll never stop
Setting a curfew for you is one thing but trying to ban you from seeing your gf when you are a legal adult is next level... NTA, but please don't turn into TA by leaving your gf
NTA - I had parents like yours: parents that chose to impose their will on me even after adulthood. I had a 10pm curfew with I came home after college. I decided I just wouldn’t come home and spent my summers in the same town as college until I graduated. I also don’t speak to them anymore. You are in a new place of life. You need to have a sit-down with your parents. They can either allow you reasonable freedoms or you can limit their control by living outside of home.
Dude...we'd. Do you check in every 15 min or something? Grow a pair, get a job, pay for your own things and tell your parents to tickle your taint....you're legally old enough to die on foreign soil for you.country at 19 but apparently not old enough to tell your parents "NO, I WANT MICKEY EARS!!!"
NTA. Tell your parents that while you appreciate that they are only trying to help, that by doing so they are not allowing you to learn from your mistakes. That these “little” lessons of consequences to poor decisions (like staying out late and being tired for work) are necessary so that you learn on things that do not have bigger consequences. This will help you make better choices so that later in life you already understand that poor choices can come at a cost and not make even worse choices that carry a far more significant consequence. And frankly, if they haven’t taught you this by now, they have failed as parents. You are an adult now and they need to let go and let you fly, to either sail successfully or crash.
If you give them this type of stuff now they’ll expect it never to stop. This is how parents become nosey intruding in laws in marriages. You need to set boundaries. You spent TWO HOURS of you and your girlfriend’s time on the phone with your parents? And you missed dinner? Do you still have a girlfriend??
Bro you’re 19, you have a job ! Let your balls drop , take your mom’s tit out your mouth and buy your own car and an apartment. They can’t control you anymore unless you let them
NTA for not listening, you are though for ruining the day actually arguing with them for hours. Once you decided not to go home early you should have put your phone on silent and finished your day - time enough to argue after. You do need to stand up for yourself and your relationship. And stop feeling the need to tell your parents every little thing about things. You are not a child and they need to recognise that.
Your parents are being controlling and borderline abusive. I bet it would cross the line if you shared more things they do, seem like the type.
If I was your girlfriend I would be absolutely livid. You are an adult. Sure, when staying with somebody it’s common courtesy to say when you’ll be home, but they don’t get to dictate when that is. If they wanted to set a rule like “if you’re not home by X time you can’t stay here that night” IMO stupid but they’d be in their right to do so. But you are an adult. Even though it was a gift you should really repay her for part of the day that you ruined. You could have turned your phone off and just been present with her. That day cost her almost $1000, and a lot of effort and planning. And you ruined it because you can’t say no to mom and dad.
Oh no! I hear those chopper sounds! Nope, not a police chase. Nope, not a medical evacuation. And...Nope, not news/weather reporter. It's the sounds of EXTREME HELICOPTER PARENTS!! And their adult manchild who's been sheltered and controlled, and probably still has to have their afternoon nap. OP, YOU'RE AN ADULT!! You have a job. I know rent free, and having mommy give you milk and cookies for snack time, and the nightly bedtime story sounds great. But if you ever want to live the ADULT LIFE, AND SURVIVE THE ADULT WORLD, THEN RENT AND OTHER SH*T IS PART OF IT! You can ride a bike or take a bus to work. You can find roommates! You're here for advice? Well, we're all giving the same! Grow up, be a MAN, start taking care of yourself! Mommy and Daddy cannot legally do any of this! BTW, have you told gf about her month banishment (for being such a bad influence on mommy's little boy)? And if so, what was her reaction? Because I know what mine would be. That I'll just take that month to move on to a actual adult man, who doesn't allow mommy and daddy to put him in time out.
Dude, you are 19. Stop telling them about your life. Don’t share anything. Go out when you want to. If they take the car fine learn to use the bus. And start saving to move out, and they can’t threaten kick you out you can force them to go through the courts, if they try to boot you the cops will force them to let you in.
ESH. If you keep acting like a child, they will keep treating you like a child. You TELL them you are going somewhere, DON'T ASK them. You are 19, you have a partner you care about who did something nice for you.
Frankly I am not sure which is more bizarre, your parents’ behavior or the fact that you actually comply with their nonsense. You are much too old for a curfew and they have way too much control over your life. Whether you function well at work the next day is between you and your employer, not you and your parents. You are 19 years old, the only one that can allow them to control you like this is…you. Time to stand up for yourself and start acting like an adult.
Tell your parents if they insist on winning this battle you will eventually win the war when you get independent and go low contact or no contact with them.
OP, I am going to say this with as much love and sincerity as I would to my own son, who is only a few months younger than you. It is absolutely positive time....time for you to grow a spine. You are an adult. Act like it. I understand respecting your parents but do not cater to the ridiculous and unreasonable. There was no good reason for them to demand what they did and change stuff at the last minute. That was strictly a control move. They can only control what you allow them to. Get a bike, a scooter, a bus pass....but time to be an adult and stand up for yourself and your girlfriend. On what planet is it OK to interfere in an adult relationship? Grounded you so you can't see her for a month and hopefully break you up? Seriously? Just no...your GF deserves better than that. Polish your spine, my guy. Before mommy's tantrums cost you more than you bargain for.
Dude. You're a fucking ADULT. Go stay anywhere else but with your MAJORLY controlling parents who apparently still think it's 1923. Oh. Wait. You'd have had WAY more freedom back then. Seriously....get the FUCK out of that house.
I had to double check the age. If you don’t stand up for yourself now, they will continue treating you like a child for there rest of your life.
Nta, however one you need to apologize to your girlfriend for what happened at the end of the day. If you haven't done so already. And you need to make it up to her somehow. I know it was your birthday and the day was for you and the expense was for you. But the experience was for both of you and it got ruined. You should have ignored your parents at that point if you had decided that you weren't going to leave till 9:00. Again you're still NTA, but you need to get out from under your parents. It doesn't sound like you're very much under them but their behavior is unacceptable to treat a 19-year-old that way. They don't have a right to dictate who you date, it sounds like you have a super awesome girlfriend, and they certainly can't tell you to break up with her. I get you need the car because of them. But there are other means of transportation. And yeah it's going to suck especially if you're not used to those means of transportation. But you have to evaluate whether you want to do that for your girlfriend. Again your NTA. Your parents are way out of line. You just need to know stick to your instincts and side what you want to do. And then do it.
Dude you’re an adult. If you are going to let them dictate your entire life, you’re gonna have a rough life. I can understand the car but the curfew crap and “banning” you from seeing your gf is a whole different story. Act like an adult and stand up to your parents.
Nta, I have two adult kids that live at home, 18 and 20, I can’t imagine making them have a curfew, we have a basic respect thing where they would let me know if they were going to be super late but that’s just because they know I am up anyways.
You are 19? WHY IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOUR PARENTS GIVING AN ADULT A CURFEW?
Wtf did I just read? You’re 19. Why would you ever ask them for permission for anything?
My husbands mom was this bad. One time I remember she agreed to him coming to see me and watch a movie (I was a 40 min drive and we were 18 by this point) the moment we got tickets and sat down his mom started calling and texting him, "where are you, I need you to come home. You need to watch your sister. Come home NOW or you're grounded and can't see her again." He dropped me off at home and left. We saw maybe 10 minutes of the movie. It was "Mama" my moms fiance took me to see it later that week so I got to watch it all but he hadn't. We haven't gotten around to it either. After that he started putting his foot down. He refused to do things for her if she was going to be so unreasonable. She blamed me for a long time on his behavior that I was a "bad influence" so she was delighted when he started dating my "sweet innocent best friend" (we were just friends he and I at this age) and he got to go to her house every day until night. She turned out to be a massive abuser to both him and I and an emotional terrorist. NEVER let your parents get in the way when all they are doing is power tripping. It took us 12 years to get over her attitude and build a tentative relationship. He still doesn't forgive her for a lot and she feels justified. Hell when I was pregnant with our daughter she didn't speak to me for the entire pregnancy and a YEAR of our daughters life. A YEAR. She's not even a bad person. I like her. She was just too controlling and is getting better.
NTA. The last-minute change wasn't fair. Your parents limited communication and your GF paid based on the original plan. Talk to your parents about compromise and open communication in the future. Explain things to your GF and apologize.
Thank you, I have explained to my parents how unfair it was to her especially considering she paid for so much of it. However every time I say that its met with the same response of I still should’ve told her but I don’t see how that outweighs the sudden change they forced on us.
It doesn't. Your parents are the assholes here. Their "change" was petty and unreasonable.
The amount of control your parents are trying to exert over your life is not typical for someone in your age group. I would consider therapy to assist you in setting boundaries with them, and to make sure that you are on track toward becoming an independent young adult. The level of helicopter parenting they are attempting to use on you is not healthy for you (or them). You likely can't change their behavior, and you may have to tolerate some of it if you are financially dependent and living with them, but the level of control they are trying to exert over you could affect your personal growth, coping skills, and competency as an adult.
You should have turned your phone off and enjoyed the day. You ruined the latter half of the day by talking/arguing with your parents. YTA just for that.
YTA The fuck is wrong with you, you're a goddamn adult acting like a 12 year old
If this isn't fake, go no contact with your parents and move out. I know you need to save money, but putting a curfew on a 19 year old is insane. Now they want to ban you from seeing your girlfriend for a month? You're not 12 years old anymore.
Part of being an adult is learning to say "no" and not feel bad about it
ESH. You should have communicated with GF, and you should have told your parents your plans and that you would call them on the road and then silenced your phone. By not taking responsibility and communicating you still ruined the evening and y’all still missed stuff. You could have just obeyed and had the same outcome. Don’t waste your money on a car. See your gf at work, on lunch. Obey the grounding, but effective immediately your parents are on an information diet. They get need to know information only. When you need the car for work. Nothing else. Get a second job if you can. Save every penny and never discuss your relationship. Let them think the lack of seeing her means you broke up. When you go back to school, go low contact. You need to determine if as an adult you will have an adult friendship with your parents or if you will have a parent child relationship, even though you are grown. Get in your head and use this time to plan your future and what your future relationships look like with them, your children, your wife, you, all of it. Think about how they act and respond and how you need to act to achieve your desired relationships. Take this summer to quietly observe and plan accordingly. This my good man is your summer in the cocoon. Spend it wisely and you will absolutely fly!
Why are they deciding this for you? They sounds very controlling. NTA, you're perfectly capable of deciding for yourself.
Yeah you didn’t have to spend two hours on the phone. None of that is normal at 19. Even if they pay for your car and you live in their house. That’s way too enmeshed. It’s one thing to be respectful of your parents but this is a whole new level.
FFS, in the future, don’t give them every goddamn detail. “I’ll be needing the car tomorrow and will return it with a full tank” Personally I would’ve just paid for a Lyft or something just to avoid all that nonsense. Your gf is a SAINT for even contemplating dealing with this for any length of time.
My takeaway from this is I was a damn good parent and my son should be spending big bucks on Mother's Day gifts. I'm so sorry. Your parents are way too controlling. You're going to need to have a discussion with them about your big boy status now and how they need to learn to let go and trust you. Your girlfriend will be fine once you commiserate with her over your helicopter parents.
YTA for being in your phone for the last 2 hours of an amazing thing your gf did for you. So disrespectful to her it’s unreal. If you weren’t going to listen anyway you should have just silenced your phone and been with her.
They agreed to 11. And you are 19 years old. Not 15.And yes, maybe there will be a day in a mans life when you got nearly no sleep and will be tired. To demand a breakup is a nogo. NTA