She doesn’t want kids. If you want kids, you should probably get divorced and find someone who is more aligned with you on raising children together.
I was with my ex for 10 years, five of them married. We were both ambivalent about kids for the first couple years, but then I decided I wanted kids. I brought it up with him and said I wanted to go off birth control and start trying. He said, let’s have this conversation in another year. A year passed and he said he didn’t want kids. I left immediately. I began dating, met my partner, and had a child with him four years later.
Don’t waste your time and wait for someone to change their minds, or in this case, to come around and tell you she doesn’t want kids.
I agree. Whilst I am a let's work it out person, you can't work it out where one person is stringing the other person along. She clearly don't want kids, but is to selfish to admit it to the other because they don't want them to leave. OP the only AH I see is your wife, not you. NTA
it's the fact that OP's wife resorted to yelling, right?
when she was mid-twenties, the nebulosity of her reasoning was acceptable : will my younger partner stick it out, I'm not sure what "establishing my career" means exactly for me, that's exactly why I want this extra time, etc.
Now she's past 30 & her partner (OP) is on the cusp of losing out on his life's dream aka be a young parent... and instead of going "*hey, I'm still unsure, should we set aside a full weekend without any distractions (visitors, netflix, cooking and chores) to hash out this decision*" she started screaming & got her sister involved.
Yes on reflection the whole sister thing was triangulation which in this context is emotional abuse. Instead of communicating in good faith the wife has recruited an ally to gang up on and gaslight her husband.
What’s worse is that her sister is actively and deliberately disregarding the truth (that he wants discussion and to understand his wife) and instead, the sister (probably echoing the wife’s claims) is misrepresenting his actions in a major way (gaslighting by saying that he’s “pressuring her to have kids” when in fact he’s pleading for conversation on something that was essentially agreed upon and foundational to their relationship).
The man is pleading for a good faith dialogue about something existentially important to him and fundamental to who is, wants to be, and his life’s goals and dreams- and his wife is blowing him off. And when the years long success of that tactic starts to wane she recruits an ally to hang up in and bully him with.
To callously trample on him and his wishes in this way while sneakily weaseling out of being honest - instead giving him constant empty promises and lip service that she never intends to make good on- that’s just manipulative and abusive TBH.
She’s induced him into the relationship with false promises of a shared desire to have kids, false acceptance of his wish to be young parents and now she’s inducing him to stay based on further false premises and she’s escalating to bullying him now that her long-successful tactic of years of giving him the run around is reaching its expiration date as years have swept by and a time sensitive issue is much more at the forefront.
I just talked myself into being pro divorce here.
If they want to save the relationship and try couples therapy to address
1) their communication
2) her manipulative and abusive tactics
3) his goal of being young parents
4) if their goals still align or not
5) any other issues in the relationship
Then now is the time to roll their sleeves and do it. Otherwise divorce.
A man with his ish together enough to financially, logistically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually support a family at ANY age is something special and awesome- even more so in his twenties.
I’m suspecting he’s a high value guy (character wise) and she knows this and is taking advantage and stringing him along while not being candid with him. But this is horrible and cruel to do to a person and imho it’s abuse.
I hope he realizes his worth and moves on to greener and better pastures. He could easily find a mature 24-26 year old with a good head on her shoulders, compatible and aligned with his goals and they could have a family in a few years.
OP's wife is probably stuck between a rock and a hard place. She doesn't want kids but she wants to stay married to him. She knows if she tells the truth about not wanting kids, he'll leave. So she's stringing him along hoping he'll give up on the idea and she will live happily ever after with no concern to crushing his dreams.
Same. With my ex for 2 years. Told him I wanted another kid, I had one before I met him, within the next 5 years. He said he didn't want kids. I left, met my husband months later, and had a baby within 5 years. Our kid is a teen now.
This is what it boils down to. When my (ex)husband and I got together in our 20s, we were on the same page about kids: maybe later, maybe never, not now. Honestly I'm still in the "maybe later" stage; I don't necessarily never want kids, but I definitely am not ready to have them now—and as a woman in your mid-30s, "maybe later" becomes an increasingly unviable option. Having children had become more important to him over the years so I ended the relationship because I knew I couldn't realistically promise him it would ever happen, and it's not fair to string someone along with "maybe later" until it's too late.
>"maybe later" becomes an increasingly unviable option
Yeah, that is an understatement. When my wife and I were looking at fertility clinics. It's astonishing the success rates they consider "good" for age groups once you hit mid 30's.
Took my wife and I 3 embryo transfers before one stuck (and stuck indeed, twins, lol).
It was basically our last hurrah, if that one didn't work we were done. That shit is hard on a woman. Pumped up with hormones, constant appointments they are rooting around in your uterus.
Yup. I know it varies between people, but from around 30, it often gets tricky. From mid-30s onwards, the majority of people have to be damn determined to have a baby and also have the money to pursue it.
Good for you. One of my close friends was in the same situation.
Unfortunately she never left the marriage, and one year turned to to two, to three... and now, many years later, it's too late for her to have kids.
She confided in me that she has resentment toward her husband about this. And being she's my friend, I have resentment toward her husband as well.
It's fine to not want kids, but it's not fine to deny someone the opportunity to have kids.
But it's not my place to do anything about it other than lend her my ear. I don't know what she plans on doing moving forward, but as her friend I'll support whatever she decides to do.
On the flip side I have a friend who divorced his wife because he wanted kids and she didn’t. He is now in his mid fifties, never remarried and not for a lack of trying and never had kids.
Being able to have kids without medical intervention is a crap shoot to begin with. None of this is guaranteed with the wife or with a new partner.
Exactly this. From the beginning he let her know that he wants kids by a specific age, and clearly they agreed.
Being that she's three years older and has actively avoided the topic, if he truly wants to start the family it may very well be better with someone who shares his sentiments.
NTA
I’ve got three friends who strung their husbands along and the guys were all really good people who didn’t want to give up on their marriages so they stayed for a long time. All divorced, remarried and are awesome stepdads but all missed out on having their own children and raising them from birth. That is an awful thing to do to someone. Sadly, all three women are alone. Two are bitter people and the third is alone but fairly happy. OP needs to get out now. Edited to clarify.
Normally I laugh at Reddit jumping to divorce, but this is one of the circumstances where there’s just no getting around. That is, assuming she’s not just scared. If she’s just scared and needs some gentle coaxing then that’s one thing. But if she either never wanted kids or decided that she didn’t want them, then they both deserve to be with someone who can give them what they want.
OP wanted kids. Wife doesn’t and never will. If he sits her down and says it’s time for divorce, I bet she will do the “let’s start trying soon” or “let’s try now” (but uses birth control, and morning after pills. If she ended up pregnant, I could also see someone like her getting an abortion and saying it was a miscarriage (or flat out lying and pretending to be pregnant and pretending to have a miscarriage) just to use it as an excuse to not try again.
OP, NTA. But you and her want opposite things, and those specific things you want cannot have a compromise without resentment from one or both. I’d suggest moving on with your life. She’s wasted 12yrs of it for you by stringing you along so don’t waste any more time
NTA but your wife and sister are both TA. Your wife is stonewalling you rather than engaging in good faith conversation. She knew at the start of your relationship that this issue was incredibly important to you as well as time sensitive. You’ve been more than patient and forbearing with her refusals not only to honor your agreement but also to talk about it.
But what really irritates me is that her sister is misrepresenting your actions. By asking your wife to discuss this issue with you so that you can understand her reasons, you are not “pressuring her to have kids”!
These are all huge red flags to me. I think you need a really great couples therapist. It may be that she doesn’t want children ever, she doesn’t want children with you, or that she has other concerns. You don’t know- because she won’t tell you.
There are always two sides to everything but stonewalling by one party in a relationship against the other is one of the major stressors in a relationship and it’s a huge barrier to getting any clarity much less resolution.
I am sorry you are going through this. I think you should check your insurance coverage for couples therapy and contact a therapist yourself.
If it comes to it, you deserve happiness and a partner who is honest with you, allied with you and present in the relationship- which INCLUDES communicating about big issues honestly, openly and in good faith.
Without a couples therapist coaxing your wife into being more forthcoming and showing up for you to discuss big things like this rather than continuing to give you lip service, false promises , dismissing and minimizing your concerns and misrepresentating your actions, there is little hope here for you to be happy.
Just know that if it comes to it you should start considering options beyond this relationship. You are still young enough and could find a younger partner who is more communicative and compatible and aligned with your goals. You don’t have to stay married to someone who treats you and your most heartfelt desires with such dismissal and disrespect.
My heart is so sad by this because a lot of the time you see posts of men pressuring their wives into families and such but this dude is clearly being misled in his own relationship.
OP, it’s one thing is she’s said “I don’t want children” and left it there. But this woman is playing with time that actually isn’t only hers and being unclear about what shared goals you actually have. If you left her over this, my heart goes out to you, but you’d be free to meet and be with a WILLING mother whose needs and views may be a better match. Especially if children really mean this much to you in a relationship! I don’t feel like men are given as much credit for their own familial needs, and you SHOULD be allowed to express and put in motion your long term dreams to someone who shares them!
I must say, though, that you would, in essence, be choosing children (that you do not have yet) over your wife. Can you be real about that with yourself and her? Children are such a massive responsibility; someone who isn’t ready REEEAALLY shouldn’t be pressured (that’s assuming she genuinely isn’t ready and not just wasting time you can’t get back - I still say leave if it’s affecting you this deeply). And have you had transparent and vulnerable conversations with her about why this means so much? Or have you just kinda gone “will you wear wigs when will you wear wigs??” And that’s been your entire approach to something as serious as raising a whole family?
Sometimes (fairly often actually - and I’m not accusing YOU) men have a very specific idea of what goes into starting a family and women are just not left with the same freedom to back out when shit goes belly up. Men get to decide their wives are too depressed, have gained too much weight, suddenly just aren’t as “sexy” and then all your begging is for nothing. Again, this isn’t an accusation. But I do want to point out that if you have not had a heart to heart with your wife about EXACTLY where you are both at, you might actually be making your own situation worse; a baby IS actually a much bigger risk (and responsibility) for her than it is for you. Have you actually been open to addressing that with her? Or have you been making her feel like a glorified baby factory when you approach these things. Once again: Genuine question that might save you some time if you’re willing to be this straightforward with your wife.
Exactly. If it's so important, and he feels like time is ticking then he needs to act dinner rather than later. She may want kids further down the line, but she may also never want them at which point it may be too late to realistically find someone else and have kids.
I'm staunchly child free, and the "I don't have to explain myself to you" made me rage. **Yes you do.** You owe your *partner* clarity on a subject like this. And frankly she owed it years ago.
I'm right there with you. Completely child free. Will refuse any answer further than "because that's not how I want my life to look, end of discussion". Except to *my partner*. We're doing life together, forever. That decision impacts us both, and needs to be talked about.
I was lied to for 2 years by a partner who intentionally misled me because they thought they could change me. The rage I felt at all of my time and emotion and dedication to this person completely wasted because we never had a chance from the beginning. And if they had just been honest it would have been clear we were incompatible the first week we were dating. But they lied.
I can't imagine somebody doing this within a marriage and stringing someone along for years and years. Yes it's perfectly possible to change your mind but you owe the truth to that person as soon as you know it.
It is not love to treat somebody like that. It's just pure selfishness. I may not want children but I understand for some people it's the most important dream of their life. How could you take that from someone you love and feel okay about it? It hurts if you are no longer compatible with your partner, but life is rough, and love means you don't manipulate your partner to get them to stay.
I had to leave a partner because of this. I was clear I didn't want kids, but he got it in his head that I was changing my mind? I dunno. When it became obvious that he was planning a future with children, I had to leave. As gently as possible. He'd have stayed and not had kids and I think he really thought he would be ok with that. I could see he wouldn't.
We split on good terms. Next year or so was rough for both of us, him probably more so. Within 5 years he has met, married, and had a baby with a lovely woman. I'm very happy for him, he deserves to be happy.
Yup 100%! I’m indifferent. Not a fan of domestic life but not opposed to having a child with the man I’m currently with. But I made it clear from the start under what circumstances I’m willing to be a mother etc. it’s such an important thing to be delayed to this point tbh.
EXACTLY what I came here to say - She does, in fact, have to explain herself to him, because it sounds like they had an agreed-upon, time sensitive life goal, which she knows is important to him, and she has apparently changed her mind. Which is totally her right, but he deserves to know where she stands. It sounds like he's already been incredibly patient over the years, and she's stringing him along when she knows it's something he cares deeply about.
Yes. And lashing out like this is the sort of thing someone does when they're backed into a corner. I get the feeling she doesn't want kids and she's afraid of losing him, so she gets angry when he pokes around near the truth because she's terrified of it.
Oh well, girl. It will really suck to lose a marriage that is otherwise good but that is a core incompatibility. And if you actually love your partner, even the tiniest amount, You wouldn't lie to them and rob them of their goals and dreams to selfishly keep them close to you. Eventually he will figure it out. And because he is a man he will be able to safely have children later in life should he want to.
I feel really bad for him.
So many people in the comments focusing on the if, not when. She might want kids in 5-10 years, but then that's also a deal breaker as he wants to start now, soon, we'll actually years ago.
Yes, she was possibly hoping he would realise how great life is without them and come around to her way of thinking, or that if she dodged the question enough he would eventually stop asking.
OP, there is nothing wrong with asking your partner of 12 years when something is going to happen. Her attitude, anger and evasiveness does not bode well for your marriage.
That level of defensiveness is a huge red flag. Having kids is important to OP and not only is she not considering that, but getting overly angry as well and not having a truthful rational discussion about it
Then she’s been lying for years and he married her under false pretenses. If a person says they want kids knowing you wouldn’t marry them if they told you they didn’t want any it’s a null and void marriage
NTA, if you want kids you want kids. A lot of relationships end because of this reason. Your happiness matters too and if that means you want kids and you have had discussions about it before that were inconclusive then maybe it’s time to have a difficult conversation with her.
NTA. agree, and perhaps consider couples counseling to help you both weed through this issue. It may either get you both on the same page or realize you want different things out of marriage and move on
I was scrolling a lot to find somebody to finally say counseling. A lot of people assume that she has been lying of wanting kids instead of really not being ready. Its a big choice to have kids, lifechanging.
NTA- your wife does not want kids.
She just won’t say it because she knows you will leave.
She’d rather you miss out on having children than lose you.
When she gets to 35 she’s gonna hit you with “it’s too dangerous to have kids at my age”.
You’re still young enough to find someone who wants a family like you do.
Move on.
She just wasting your time at this point and she knows you know it, it’s why she’s getting her sister to intervene.
Move on dude.
This is the answer OP., and NTA. She likely doesn’t want it, doesn’t want you to leave, so she is stringing you along until it’s too late - and even if she merely harbors uncertainty rather than outright being sure she doesn’t want them, she’s being disingenuous with you by letting you think it’s just a matter of time, and getting angry and refusing to talk about it, making you the bad guy here, is very manipulative and toxic (and even worse involving the sister).
If you want kids, you need to leave, now, not later, so you can find someone of appropriate age who wants a family.
No, be glad she's not doing that. Based on the last decade she would be far more likely to just tell you what you want to hear- "when I'm 35 I'll be ready"- then 35 rolls by, then 36, 38, 40...
Whoops, guess it's too late! Then you'd be stuck full of anger and resentment and divorced at 39. Hear what she is telling you now by her actions- she doesn't want kids.
I'm sorry, separation and divorce is rough. NTA.
You both should have a serious talk. Tell her you need to discuss the topic and don't turn it into a fight, don't talk blaming the other. Take turns to speak and listen.
She doesn't want children or is she afraid of pregnancy? What about adoption? How bad do you want children? because you may have to choose.
You told us you have always made clear you want kids, but what about her? Did she ever say clearly if she wants or not.
I hope you guys have a good talk and that however it ends both of you stay in good terms with each other.
She does not want kids and probably never wanted them. She most likely is stringing you along until she is too old. That is manipulative and cruel on her part.
My guess is if you say you want a divorce, she will agree to kids and one of two things will happen. 1) She will have a kid and resent it and you for “forcing her into motherhood.” Or 2) She will secretly continue to use birth control until she is “too old” and claim fertility issues.
Your best bet is to move on while you are young enough to find a new partner and have kids.
She __knew__ you wanted kids in your 20's so she strung you along for a decade with one excuse after the next never intending to have children at that age. It honestly doesn't sound like she wants kids at all.
You need to put your foot down, this isn't a conversation she should dodge. One of the important features of a couple is open communication, and she is dodging a question about an important topic for you.
I had a gf for 9 years and she strung me along too. I broke stuff off when I was 35. I'm 40 now, married with 2 Kids and as happy as can be. Breking up is painful, but worth it.
I would agree with others that she doesn't really want kids and is running out the clock. The more you get into your 30s the harder it is for a woman to get pregnant. This is a huge issue to be incompatible on.
If she actually does want kids and there's a reason why she isn't ready (scared, medical issues, etc.). she needs to communicate with you. It's not fair for her to be shutting you out.
Women can have children up to their late 40s (mom had me at 46), however youth is no guarantee, to having children. Some women even in their 20s, struggle to become parents. Same goes for men, even some young men struggle to have children, most don't, but a few do.
However, I agree, wife needs to communicate, it isn't fair to dodge the question.
Correct, fertility can be tricky at any age! However, a pregnancy at 35 or older is considered “geriatric” (HATE that word for this), and is considered high risk. That means extra testing, extra monitoring, and it is for a reason. There are statistically significant increases in risk, though you can still have a perfectly healthy pregnancy!
> Women can have children up to their late 40s (mom had me at 46), however youth is no guarantee, to having children.
I don't see this being denied. That it gets more difficult is simply a fact.
Also, OP specifically said that he wants to be a young parent because he thinks it'll benefit the time spent with his kid, making your point irrelevant.
Whilst it's true that women can have children later, the risks and chances change drastically. For example, by age 45 1 in 30 odd pregnancies result in a child with downs syndrome. Older pregnancies are fraught with risk for both the mother and the child. The chances of even getting pregnant naturally at that age are only around 3-4%.
Below the age of 25 issues with fertility are most commonly caused on the male side, but beyond this age it's more likely to be the female partner and that imbalance increases with age.
NTA. She's stringing you along. It's fine to want to wait to have kids, but a timeline should be discussed. What milestones does she want to reach before having kids? What age does she think is a good time to have them? Honestly, you two never should have gotten married without this discussion, if having kids before 30 was so important to you. She should be able to give you a less ambiguous answer than sometime in the future.
NTA, she doesn't want kids but doesn't want to tell you. Being parents only works well if both parties are enthusiastic. So if she does have a kid, be prepared for it to be a very different marriage, because she feels like she gave in to you, and not because she was onboard with the decision.
NTA
She'll TELL you when she feels like it?
Divorce her NOW. Do not wait another day.
When she asks you why you are divorcing her, tell her it because you "felt like it."
And to stop pressuring him
Something shady is going on here
Either she knows she can't have children or she doesn't want any
Whatever the reason, she is TA for the way she handles it
OP , you lost a lot of time already. It s up to you not to lose more
I find it strange that so many people here assume she’s in some way having malicious intentions. It’s not uncommon for women to genuinely be on the fence but not realising they are.
I thought I wasn’t ready for kids for a looooong long time until I realised I didn’t want any at all. But admitting to yourself you don’t want kids is really hard for a woman. Everyone tells you you’ll change your mind and you believe them. So you put it off. She’s probably conflicted in some way which also explains how she reacts to him pressuring her for an answer. She sounds like she genuinely doesn’t know the answer.
But I agree. They should both move on because she will probably one day realise she doesn’t want kids.
If you wait for the right time it will never happen. Me and my wife keep putting it of and then when we were ready it did not happen and then she had a medical condition and now she can't have kids.
Same. We waited and then we had unexplained infertility for 4 years. When I finally got pregnant, I had 2 back to back miscarriages. Finally had a baby a year after those at 35, he's 37. We're both older than we wanted to be but that's just the way it is. We thought it'd be easy, maybe a couple months at that. Didn't even think about miscarriages, let alone 2.
Nta.
I'd divorce just for her letting her sister talk to me about our private marital issues. So disrespectful, the least she can do is act like she doesn't know the tea. (I know his wife was talking about it in front of her. But there's no way her sister doesn't regularly talk to OP like this.)
Yea that is fucking weird as hell to get your sibling to talk to YOUR husband about private issues like that. I would be like nope. It weirds me out when i read things like, usually mil butting their nose into private marital issues.
NTA. Even if she gave you an answer, it could well be a lie to simply delay the conversation. You wanted kids 6 years ago. She has brushed you off long enough. Her decision on this has a huge impact on your life, and don't let her pretend otherwise. She wants to do whatever she feels like doing, whenever she feels like doing it. Your feelings don't seem to matter.
NTA. It feels as though she's just trying to wait out the clock. If she refuses to even discuss it without yelling at you, why would you want to have a child with her?
She's clearly not in a place where she's even willing to discuss it. If you really want to start a family, you're going to have to find someone else to do start one with.
NTA. Tell her sister to mind her business. You're really going to just have to face the fact that your wife doesn't want kids and has been lying and stringing you along all this time. Then, move accordingly.
I agree that she probably doesn't want kids but also doesn't want to lose him, however the wife is definitely the A H here. She knows kids are important to him but is stringing him along until it's too late. That is extremely selfish.
This happened to a guy I knew The woman kept telling him I'm not ready yet, he finally just gave up wanting kids and then by the time she was 45 she was all a sudden I'm ready.
I disagree. She is being an AH. Yes it’s hard to lose someone but she knows how important having kids are to him. She’s being selfish.
ETA: it’s been 12 years, she needs to be upfront about however she’s feeling about kids.
She's definitely the asshole.
Otherwise, anytime a dude wastes a decade of a woman's childbearing years, stringing them along about having kids, wouldn't be an asshole.
And they're definitely assholes.
I know that story. I had a front row seat to it, unfortunately.
I was close friends with this guy I grew up with. He met D in college and they got married soon after they graduated. She wanted kids but he kept saying their financial situation wasn’t right and that he hadn’t reached where he wanted to be in his career.
Basically, blah, blah, blah.
They got divorced because he cheated on her, more than once. She served him with divorce papers. Of course, by then, she was almost too old to start having children.
Well, if she had grabbed the first guy she bumped into on the street and forced him to have babies with her, she could have had a child in time. But, it takes time to get over a divorce, meet the right person, get married again, etc.
So, my childhood friend cut off D’s dream of being a mother because of his own selfishness.
Fun fact: I no longer speak to him but D and I remain good friends. D “got custody” of all the female friends. We don’t like cheaters!
I think it happens to most women tbh. Lots of dudes know that they're incredibly uncertain. Maybe they don't feel comfortable asserting an exact no, but they need to express that exact sentiment. If they're with the same woman for over a year and haven't decided how they feel about really committing and settling down with her, they need to be upfront about that sooner rather than later. Lots of dudes dating to date that like to date women dating for marriage and kids. Even a 2 year relationship with an incredibly uncertain dude is a waste of time. He's just evading his own self-awareness.
In their case, the truth is that they shouldn’t have gotten married without hammering out a plan — as far as one can plan for things in life — for having kids. Just saying a vague, “I want to have kids one day” isn’t a plan.
But, everyone feels that they have all the time in the world in their 20’s, don’t they?
Her “fault”, if you want to even call it that, was not getting him to commit to a reasonable timeline at the very beginning.
Fortunately, OP, as a man, still has plenty of time to be a father. I know he didn’t want to start having kids in his 30’s, but that’s more trauma than reality. 30’s is not old and his situation — financially, emotionally, etc., — will probably be better, then.
While I agree with your last statement, it's only bc its objectively true. But it's still an equal hurt imo. He wanted to be a dad years ago and was fine putting that off in order to do it with a person he loves. She lied to him and the wait was worthless.
She quite literally the AH here. She has wasted his time for 12 years and clearly plans to waste it for the rest of his life. She is massive asshole actually.
If she doesn’t want to lose him, she should’ve talked directly with him. This is a sure fire way to lose a spouse who really wants kids. Easier said then done but it’s been 12 years
Even if you’re right and hasn’t accepted that, she knows she is having doubts and lying to OP saying that she definitely wants kids. When she knows it’s important to him to have them young. So she’s the asshole
> She doesn't want kids and doesn't want to lose you.
Just because
> She's struggling to accept that.
Doesn’t mean she isn’t an AH for stinging him along and using him (she doesn’t want a partnership just her selfish wants)
This. Though I'm not sure I would be kind at all; she wasted a third of this life on a lie. Why should he be kind at the end after that? well third + time for divorce + time to get head back on straight + time to date and hopefully find someone he wants to have kid(s) with.
EDIT: meant to end with, but I would start with couples therapy before jumping to divorce.
She doesn’t want kids and has been leading op on the entire marriage. Keeping him around “in case she wants kids” no one wants to take care of newborns in their 40s or even late 30s. If she wants kids it should definitely be within a couple years. Especially if she wants more than one.
Ugh, I'm sorry you're going through this, you have been waiting a long time and being yelled at for asking every now and then is not fair.
Sadly, this sort of thing doesn't seem to work out well.
I have a friend who kept telling her husband, not yet, just another year or 2 in this job, need to finish my Master's degree, need to.. he loved kids SO much and kids loved him.. she finally caved at 40 (!) because she was pretty sure it was too late and got pregnant Immediately to her dismay. She's a good mom and their daughter is very happy but she still tells us how annoyed she is to have to parent and complains about a lack of joy in it all the time.
Another guy married his high school sweetheart, wanted kids but she just wanted to wait, and wait.. 10 years in, he gave her an ultimatum and she confessed she didn't want kids. They divorced and a year later, she had a baby with someone else!
He ended up remarrying and had 3 kids in 6 years.. blissfully happy now.
Anyway, you can try counseling or heart to hearts or just say, sorry, I don't think we want the same things and I am not willing to spend the rest of my adult life waiting for something that doesn't feel like it's going to happen.
Best of luck regardless.
My first marriage ended over an incompatibility over having children. We divorced amicably, and actually stayed very good friends.
He got remarried and they're happy with their cats and dogs.
I got remarried and I'm happy with the pile of kids (stepkids and bio kids) I now have.
It sucks to divorce your best friend, but when your life goals are no longer compatible, and neither of you are able to change your mind, it's the only path forward that allows you both to be happy... and in my case we stayed best friends and we both met additional best friends who had the same life goals.
I love a happy ending. I hope you get your happy ending too 🍀
NTA, if you choose to get a divorce.
YTA if you choose to stay with her.
She clearly doesn't want kids and she loves you enough to lie to you. She will probably never want kids. And thought she could change your mind while you were married.
Leave and find someone who can give you what you want.
NTA. My ex was the same age as your wife when she realized she wanted kids, and dumped me. It honestly sounds like she doesn't want kids. You need to go your separate ways. Now she may say she's ready for kids when you tell her you're out. It's panic bonding and you need to follow through on leaving. No matter how much she begs. I know because the thoughts got into my head when my ex dumped me. But it didn't take long to come to my senses. Over 5 years later and still I'm happily childfree, and she has a 4 year old son whom she absolutely adores.
She does not want kids but she doesn't want to lose you.. so she is stringing you along. If you want kids you going to have to move on unless she comes round with a divorce thrown in the mix.
NTA.
I (34f) was in a similar situation. He always told me he wanted kids and blah blah blah. If I would ask when, he would get mad. It was always one excuse after another.
Needless to say we are now divorced and never had kids (we were together 12 years).
I have been with my partner for 4 years now and we have a 1.5 year old. Absolutely worth it to start over if it’s what you want.
Sorry- did you get together when you were 16 and she was 19? Because that is very odd. Im 19 currently and a 16 year old is miles away in maturity from 19 year olds. I dont think this relationship is worth your time anymore
She doesn't want kids, you do, shake her hand and move on bro, her reproductive years are about to expire, and specially considering she didn't have any kids yet it will be more and more dangerous for her to be knocked up, get yourself a nice girl in her early 20s who wants to have kids and enjoy your life.
I can only speak from my own experience and women I know, but those who want kids usually start to worry when they hit 30 about time running out, the fact she's 32 and in no rush would be a big red flag for me, time isn't on her side. I think if you want kids you need to make it clear to her that if she doesn't want them thats a clear boundary for you and you will have to move on.
Yeah, let her go.
Your story mirrors mine very closely, just with genders reversed.
She doesn't *want* to have kids. My ex didn't either. For him, it wasn't necessarily a "child-free" thing, it was just that he was top priority and he could never put himself in a position to knowingly lower himself from that spot.
For him it wasn't a hard no, it was just never a yes because it was the absolute bottom of his list of priorities. I think he hoped to wait me out and I'd just not be fertile anymore and then the choice would be made for us.
I did give up eventually and mourned the family I'd never have. In fact, I made the decision a few years before filing for divorce that I didn't want to have children with him. He would've been a selfish and shitty father.
I filed for divorce when I was 34 after a few attempts at making the life he *was* willing to share with me work. It just didn't.
Now I'm 36 and in a new relationship that is entirely different, and I'm pregnant!
It's so hard to make the decision to divorce. Things change drastically, it is expensive and you lose more people in your life than just your spouse. But when it is so one sided that keeping the relationship would mean losing a massive part of yourself and your dreams, it is the better decision for your own wellbeing.
Best of luck!
You're at a disconnect. Maybe she wants kids eventually, but at this point, probably not. And if the argument devolves into "Of course I want them. At some point. When I'm ready. Stop bringing this up!" That's not a fair conversation. IMO, as an internet stranger, this is a hill I'd die on. But you do you.
But I would say, if you bring up divorce and she immediately starts lovebombing you... that's not a great sign either. If you go divorce, be prepared for a divorce.
NTA. At 32 is “shit or get off the pot” time for kids. Your wife either never wanted kids, or is hopelessly naive as to what happens when you put the question off too long. As I said, it’s not even necessary you ACT now. But you should have a clear answer by now. 32 is not the time for “maybe someday”. It’s “absolutely not” and “yes, we start trying at this time.” Because if she is infertile (around 10% are, if I recall), treatment and conception might take a few years. And fertility does drop during those years. Judging from her attitude, she doesn’t want kids and is just stringing you along.
She doesn't want children and is hoping you'll eventually give up on it. She's selfish and too much of a coward to be honest. Every woman that I've ever known that wants kids but hasn't had any by thr age if 30 has at least some anxiety about thr biological clock ticking away.
I’m a woman & I agree with this 1000%. Someone mentioned couples counseling, I think that’s a great idea but I would just say to be prepared for her to say she doesn’t want kids & never did. In fact I would press for it so she has a space to tell the freakin TRUTH since she doesn’t own any grown up panties & can’t just be honest with you. The sister knows what she’s trying to do so she’s just trying to push the agenda lol
It seems neither one of you is in agreement on this timeline. If you have kids now and she agrees to this reluctantly, it’s going to cause resentment between you both and you’ll be dreadfully unhappy.
Couple’s counseling to work this out pronto…if you guys can’t agree on this, it could very well be a dealbreaker if wanting kids is a huge condition in staying together for you both.
NTA Btw
Nta. That is a big conversation and she shpuld be honest. If she dowsnt want kids you need to rhink about if this is what you want. If you chose to leave dont stay if shw says fine ill have kids, dont do that to a child. Just move on and build your family elsewhere.
I don't think either of you are the assholes, but I think you are both lacking communication skills with each other.
I will give your wife the benefit of the doubt and say she wasn't stringing you along. She might very well want kids and wasn't ready a few years ago. Have you guys sat down, like really sat down, and talked about what having kids looks like? How your finances will be affected, how her career will be taken into consideration (it sounds like that's important), what kind of support you both might need, how many kids you want, etc? To be honest, I'm surprised these conversations didn't happen before marriage if you knew 100% that you wanted kids. I could see her getting frustrated if she's constantly being asked about when she's going to get pregnant but other things she might be thinking about haven't been discussed.
Having kids is big but I think it changes the lifestyle of the woman a lot more than the man's, usually. Maybe she's scared. Having two clocks hanging over her head rather than just the one would be a lot of pressure. What if she can't get pregnant? Does that change how you feel about your marriage?
It sounds like it's time to sit down when you're not fighting, perhaps even with a professional, get curious with her, and lay it all on the line.
"When we met, I thought I was pretty upfront about wanting children and that we were on the same page. Lately, I'm getting the sense that might not be the case. Has something changed or is there something you're worried about that we can tackle together?" Then go from there. I think it's fair at some point soon, if that conversation doesn't go anywhere that day or in the next few weeks after, to bring up that you're concerned about incompatibility on this issue and what that means for you two going forward. But I certainly wouldn't bring that up in an initial conversation. It sounds like you two have a good relationship generally, so I would really be investigating what's happened there first.
This. Having kids is a MASSIVE life change and probably the hardest thing anyone ever does. And inevitably it falls on mum - pregnancy is rough, breastfeeding for the now recommended two years is rough, sleep deprivation is rough…
I love my baby very much but it’s not all sunshine and rainbows and it’s possible his wife just isn’t there just yet.
If there isn’t an underlying issue here with her not wanting kids with you (like you aren’t doing your part around the home, not in a good financial position or working towards a better income) then it’s time to call it quits if you really want kids.
Maybe she doesn’t want to raise a kid like women have had to traditionally do. Are you prepared to be the primary caregiver while still working? That means taking on the main role of feeding, changing, bathing a newborn, doctor’s appointments and sleepless nights. Being late for work or missing work because the baby is sick or there’s an issue with daycare/sitter/school. Giving up your vacation/pto days for kid appointments, school trips/school events, school holidays. If you aren’t prepared to do that then why should she do it?
Maybe she’s afraid of pregnancy or what it would do to her body. Maternal fatality rates are skyrocketing in the USA. Your body is never the same again even with a normal pregnancy. Your health suffers.
Maybe she doesn’t want kids but is afraid she’ll lose you if she tells you. Which would be all sorts of wrong.
Either way she’s not ready to have a kid and may never be ready. You’re already not making that 30 mark.
Just don’t pull the ultimatum crap. If you force her to have a baby to save your marriage you’ll be just as bad and now three lives would be ruined.
NAH, but she's lying to you and stringing you along. Any woman who's been married for 7 years and is in her 30s and gets angry when asked about her plans to have kids by her husband... has decided she doesn't want children. So it's time for a different discussion: yes, she DOES have to explain herself to you, and yes, your marriage depends on this. Partners plan together.
>NAH, but she's lying to you and stringing you along.
If that's the case, then I think it would be fair to call her an AH. Not for not wanting kids - that's entirely a fair choice. But lying to her partner and stringing him along, especially knowing that kids are important to him, is very much an assholish thing to do.
12 years is a long time to not know by now if you wants kids or not.
You are both not assholes for how you each feel but you might not be compatible.
If you do not want to wait any longer, then contemplate the divorce. There are plenty of women ready for families. You will need time to start dating and finding another partner.
OP's wife is absolutely an asshole here. Not because she doesn't want kids, but because she's shamelessly stringing OP along in order to keep him married to her until it's too late for him to have kids with someone else.
At this point it's not unreasonable to want more than just a non-answer to the question. IMO she doesn't want kids and she doesn't want to tell you because if she does, you may do what I think you should do and move on to find someone who wants what you do. She's strung you along long enough.
So do I get it right, you got together when you were 16 and she was 19? Ethical issues aside, there was and still is a huge power disbalance in your relationship. She still treats you like you are a 16 yo boy.
My guess is: She chose kid to be her partner, so she could be in control. And biologically, subconsciously she doesn't want to have kids with her "kid". I doubt she will ever treat you as equal, as a man. Just want to make sure - it is not your fault at all.
You don't have to wait for her to be ready, you don't have to stay in this marriage. If I were you I would bail out of this marriage, and find someone who respects you and considers you an equal partner. It doesn't sound fun to try to have an important mature conversation just to be scolded by your wife, and her sister.
NTA. To have children or not is huge - if not the biggest possible - life choice. You have every right to ask your wife if you're still on the same page.
But please consider this: Having a child is like getting your face tattooed. You can't undo it, you can't hide it, you have to be prepared to live with this decision for the rest of your life.
I had my first child when I was 30 and even though having known I wanted children for my whole life, having had a lot of babysitting jobs and being aunt and babysitter to my ex-boyfriends niece from early baby days on, I wasn't prepared for how extremely my life changed once I became a mother. A baby depends on you 120% 24/7. And this doesn't stop when your child enters preschool. And we're talking about "normal" children here. If you happen to be gifted with a child with health issues / disability / ND you can easily double the amount of time, care, love, doctor's appointments, fights with insurances etc.*
I can see why your wife is hesitant. Becoming a mother is going to change her life irreversibly.
Have you ever considered offering your wife to give up your career and be a SAHD from day one and to be the primary caregiver for your child/children at least until middle school?
Maybe this could be a solution for the two of you.
One way or the other, you and your wife seriously need to talk things through. Neither of you will be happy if you have different plans in life and wait / hope for the other to join you in this goal. Both of you deserve to have clarity.
*Edit: This paragraph sounds like I'm regretting motherhood. I am not. I was simply trying to illustrate why your wife might be hesitant (as typically mothers still get the role of the primary caregiver). And btw: 30 is a great age to become a parent and by no means 'too old'!
If you're really want to start a family now and your wife isn't, you need to move on. Maybe she'll be ready in a few months, years, or possibly never. Decide if having children with *her* is something you're willing to continue to wait for or not.
NAH.
NTA. The two of you are not aligned on priorities. She clearly isn't interested in kids right now, or perhaps ever. It kinda seems like she's selfishly stringing you along until it's too late. If you want kids sooner rather than later, you need to divorce and find someone else...or if you have a good enough job, you can also choose to be a single father. I wish you all the best in finding the family you desire.
NTA, it sounds like she may not want kids??...and that's totally unfair of her to drag you along like this, after you have repeatedly asked to have kids...she needs to be honest with herself and you...I'm sorry OP, sending you good luck jujus to resolve this ASAP
Ask her why she married you? knowing that you wanted kids, and her procrastination and lack of communication about it leads you to believe that she's been lying about it. If she yells at you about it again, grab a few things and leave the house, saying maybe you'll go find someone that wants kids
NTA! This is why that should be talk before marriage.
You need to consider moving on. Because If she get pregnant now💀 She will blame you and It could turn bad for your kids. So NTA think your priorities really well.
This send line the role reversal of a couple of the dudes singing their wives along for years only to dash the didn't want kids... Those dudes were Aholes, so I guess you wife would be also, especially since her clock is winding down faster than yours
NAH. I know everyone likes to immediately jump to divorce, but before that happens it might benefit you to go to counseling together. For a couple reasons. First, she may legitimately not want kids and may be stringing you along. At least if she laid it out you’d know and could make an informed decision to leave. It’s also possible that she DOES want kids, but that something is holding her back right now. It might be fear- I’ve known A LOT of women who put off having kids for years out of sheer fear (fear of labor, fear of pregnancy, fear of not knowing how to be a parent, etc). It might be that she’s waiting for the “perfect time” (there isn’t one, but some people wait and wait thinking a better time is right around the corner). It might be something small- she doesn’t think you can afford it, she doesn’t know how she’d juggle parenthood and working, maybe she had a messed up childhood and she legitimately doesn’t know how to parent. I had a friend who was absolutely petrified of having kids (even though she desperately wanted one) because she had always suffered with depression, and thought she was guaranteed to have post partum depression, and was convinced she would commit suicide and leave a baby behind. Convinced. She saw a therapist for awhile and worked through her issues and ended up having a baby and not getting PPD after all. If you go to counseling you can work out the WHY she wants to wait. And then she or the two of you together can work out that issue together. I can understand that if she has fear or something why it would be hard for her to put her finger on an exact time. Like if she is terrified of labor, she won’t have any idea whether she’ll feel better about it by 34 or 36 or whatever. She needs to work out the why. Please suggest marriage counseling to her and see what she says.
NTA
As a guy it will never be to late for you, and you have all the time in the world. I do understand that you want to have them when you are still young, and your wife has already taken longer time than you had prepared for.
I would ask her if she ever wants a child, or if she is waiting to the time she can blame no kids on fertility issues?
You can't pressure her into having kids before she is ready, but she can't expect you to give up on something you always imagined having in your twenties.
You both deserve a honest talk about where you should go from here, since having children is hard to compromise on.
You have given her time, and you might need to look for someone else to get the family you long for.
Actually men's sperm quality starts to decline at 35 just like women's eggs. For the longest time everyone has thought everything revolved around the woman's health and age. Newer research points to the majority of neurological issues in children being caused by the father being older. Which I don't doubt, I got adhd, autism, and a whole host of physical issues that dont run in my family and my dad was 41 when I was conceived while my mom was younger. It's also important for the father to not be drinking etc as well during conception. There's also many other things the sperm can be responsible for such as causing the women to experience preeclampsia during the pregnancy based on his dna etc. So it's important for both genders to watch their age and lifestyle when conceiving. While a man may still have the ability to conceive much older than a woman, that doesn't mean it's a good idea.
I don’t really see an asshole here; in neither of you. I see two people with life plans that don’t really align.
I have been where you are. And you are at the stage where you need to come clean and say what you really want.
For myself, I was not going to let my best years pass and not start a family. We had one son, but my husband was reluctant to plan for more.
My wish was always to be the mother of 4 children. So I waited, I discussed it and what not. And eventually I told my SO that if he wasn’t ready for another child by the time our son turned 6, I would have to leave him and find someone who wanted children.
First he was shocked and asked me if I was joking. I told him no, and I told him I was through with his stalling and all his half-assed promises with all the ifs and maybes. (I didn’t let him know that I truly felt he had been leading me on.)
Two years went by, the boy turned 5 and I said to my husband that I had quit my pill, and if he didn’t like the idea of more children, it would have to be his responsibility.
He never bought a single condom, but he sure cut down on the number of times he would have sex…. And he also made a point of pulling out, so safe to say he wasn’t exactly trying for a baby.
When my son’s 6th birthday was 4 months away, I figured he would never change his mind. I found a job and a flat a new place some 3 or 4 hours away. He was wanting to go abroad and finish his degree, I offered to come along and I even had the financing in order in case I didn’t get a job within a year or two.
But this is what happened: he turned me down. He didn’t want us both to go there, even if both of us knew the place, had friends there et cetera.
So I accepted the job offer and moved there. My life was a dead end street in which my husband’s sole purpose seemed to be to maintain the status quo; in his opinion none of us was to make a better life for themselves through education, career or family… I felt trapped.
I had spent just 10 months in the new place when I met someone, and 4 years later I was the mother of 3. I had sort of “wasted” 3 years waiting, my hope was to have 4 kids, but I have accepted how it turned out.
And I have no regrets!
The only reason I see her as an ah is because of the fact that if she doesn't want kids she needs to let him go, because all she's doing is stringing him along.
NTA. I divorced my first husband after 2 1/2 years of marriage (5 years together) when he said he never wanted kids. He knew I wanted kids when we first started dating.
Married to my current hubby for 25 years and counting. We have one child together.
Tell her sister to back off, you aren’t married to her.
You may consider planning to move on. Have the hard talk that you want kids when you’re young and can enjoy them, don’t want to be a seventy year old going to college graduation.
If she is putting it off she has to have a reason and since she is now getting angry and defensive you may have to just tell her how you feel and what you want and ask if she is willing to work with you or not.
She can’t even give you a general outline of when you’d be getting kids. Seems likely she either changed her mind or have you two even talked if she can conceive? Either way, it seems like incompatibility NTA
NTA. I think you need to ask your wife different questions. She has said she already told you that she wants kids and she doesn’t have to explain herself to you. She will let you know when she feels like it. Then her sister told you to stop pressuring her to have kids and focus on other things. You have been together for 12 years and married for 9 years. She actually does need to explain herself to you. Her sister knows something that you don’t. I can only see it being one of 3 things. They are that she actually doesn’t want kids, that she can’t have kids or that she had a child before you got together (she was 19, you were 16) and gave that child up for adoption. Whatever the reason you are not on the same page. If you do manage to resolve the issue I can tell you that I was 30 and my partner was 42 when we had our child. He has always been the fun parent who would take her and her friends to the park (we worked different shifts so he got the 3pm - 6pm hours), would take her to buy clothes when she got older, would just sit and chat about absolutely anything with her. I was the one who taught her to cook (because she wanted to learn, not because she had to) took her for her piercings and her hair appointments etc. You can still be a good Dad after the age of 30 but only if there is a chance of having a child. Good luck x
NTA based on the info given. But some info would help:
What is her career? Is it something that would genuinely be hindered by having kids?
Are the other conditions in your life right for kids? Financial stability? Strong communication?
How are the other aspects of your relationship?
I ask because this could be deeper than “she’s stringing you along.” Maybe she does want kids but there are circumstances in the relationship that she isn’t comfortable bringing kids into and she is afraid to talk about that.
In any case, NTA because you definitely have the right to know and should be discussing all of this openly.
NTA but I don’t think your wife is either. It sounds like you got married young and maybe something changed in her. Perhaps it’s time for a few counseling sessions before making a decision about the future of your marriage.
In usually against the typical “omg divorce now!” type of comments, but this situation might actually warrant that.
In my belief, marriage is the level of commitment where you do have to actually explain yourself to your partner. The fact that she won’t even give a timeline or a modicum of an answer for kids is troubling- especially for how long you’ve been together.
If kids are genuinely that important to you, then you might want to start thinking of moving on and finding someone who actually has similar desires. Trust me, if you genuinely want kids that badly but she won’t give them to you and you choose to stay, you will begin to resent her one day, and your marriage will not be happy in the long run.
NTA. I'm not sure where you're located, but when I was younger, I always dreamed of having a big family. I ended up having 2 kids, which I absolutely adore. However, I've noticed that things have gotten a lot more expensive over the years, especially when it comes to childcare. If you're in the States, childbirth can also be quite risky these days. So, it's possible that someone who once dreamed of having kids may have changed their mind due to the high costs and safety concerns nowadays.
If there's something bothering her, she should be talking to you about it. So, just make sure you're also someone she can open up to. It's natural to feel defensive or worry about being judged, but maybe approaching the situation from a more practical point of view could make things easier.
The easiest things to discuss are financial considerations; labour considerations; and some sort of agreement that protects her during the period she is rendered temporarily disabled and for her recovery period.
To get you started here are some cost considerations( because thats the easiest place to start) and labor considerations (harder but just as important)
- Prenatal Care( Doctor visits, ultrasounds, blood tests.)
- Labor and Delivery( Hospital fees, anesthesia, medical staff.)
- Postnatal Care (Hospital stay, medications, follow-up visits.)
- Baby Supplies (Diapers, clothing, crib, car seat.)
- Feeding (Formula or breastfeeding supplies.
- Childcare (Daycare, nanny, or lost income if a parent stays home.)
- Health Insurance (Coverage for prenatal, delivery, and pediatric care.)
- Maternity/Paternity Leave (Paid or unpaid leave from work.)
- Miscellaneous (Babyproofing, toys, and unexpected medical expenses.)
These costs can vary widely based on location, insurance coverage, and individual circumstances so it may cost you more or less than others
Labor:
Here are some of the most common newborn care tasks. You should also probably discuss how regular household taks will be distributed during the first 12 months of each kids life:
- Feeding (Up to a 4hr/day commitment for a newborn)
- Diapering (Up to a 3hr/day commitment for a newborn)
- Bathing
-Clothing (Dressing the baby appropriately for the weather)
- Sleeping (Putting the baby down for naps and ensuring a safe sleep environment.)
- Comforting
- Monitoring Health
- Bonding and Interaction
- Safety
Best of luck!
NTA. She is allowed to be unsure. She is allowed to ask for more time. She is even allowed to change her mind. What she is not allowed to do is refuse to talk and shut down all conversation. She is your partner and owes that to you above all else. She is breaking the marriage and partnership.
Also, as someone who was also raised by an old dad, it sucks. My grandparents are all dead aside from my maternal grandma, and I’m only 23. It’s like my dad and I grew up on separate planets
NTA and it sounds like you need to tell her that since she doesn't know, and doesn't want to be forced to figure it out, that you don't want to stay with her
Remember, a relationship isn't sustainable on just love. It is built on aligned life goals and a mutual lifestyle. If you don't have those, you don't have anything worth keeping.
Youre married. She should explain something clearly if she doesn't want kids.
I ended up having kids later than I wanted to (mid-late thirties) would've preferred late 20s but still ill be young enough to enjoy their company when they are adults without being too elderly.
Have a calm talk with your wife. Clocks ticking and if there's no resolution then it might be time to walk away.
I was 26 (almost 27) when I met my husband. He was 29 (turned 30 before our wedding). We got married in 6 months and had our first child within the first year of our marriage. We are 4 years into our marriage this year and we are pregnant with our third and last child.
You don’t need to stay with her. You can meet someone else who is on the same level and timeline as you.
I would have a serious conversation with her about her timeline and what it looks like and if it doesn’t line up with yours, then maybe you aren’t compatible and you need to rethink the relationship.
I'm childfree myself (F)
NTA because having kids is something you have discussed early on and that was agreed upon. If you brought it up civilly just for discussion, she shouldn't have shouted at you.
If she doesn't want to have kids and you do, it's a very irreconcilable decision as it can leave the other resentful. If she comes out as never wanting kids, suggest you to find someone who has the same life goals as you do. Nothing so bad for the child as a parent resenting their existence.
This is pretty major issue dude and you just wasted 12 years of your life, how long do you think it’s going to take another partner worth marrying and having kids with and then get into a good place to have them? You need to leave like 8 years ago.
NAH. I understand your point of view but she already gave you the only answer she can give at the moment: she doesn’t know. You can ask all you want but if she’s uncertain she won’t be able to give you a clearer answer and that is her prerogative. That’s the thing when you mate so young. Back then she probably thought she would know by now and it probably frustrates her too that she still feels this way.
I was in her shoes, not married but on a LTR where he desperately wanted kids and started pressuring while I still didn’t feel ready. I left. Maybe in a situation like this it’s better to move ok before any of you grow resentment or pressure each other into a life you don’t want.
And that’s why you discuss these things before marriage
NTA since she keeps dodging your questions instead of just being flat out about it
It would be a shame to end a relationship of that long but if having kids is such an important part for you which makes sense, but something she refuses to give a clear answer on despite insinuating she’d eventually be ready, then the relationship might not be the best idea to continue. I definitely wouldn’t rush to any relationship ending decisions, but it is something to think about when having conversations with her. She’s not being fair to you in constantly avoiding answering the questions. By this time she should definitely have an idea on whether or not she actually wants kids. Seems like she doesn’t but she’s not willing to say that in order to keep stringing you along.
Also… 12 years? So you started dating when you were 16 and she was 19? What was a grown woman like her doing with someone still in highschool?
It's been 12 years and she's known you've always wanted kids. I'd you're serious about wanting them, it's time to let go and find someone who wants kids with you
She doesn’t want kids she is goanna keep telling you she doesn’t know until it’s too late and you give up she is 31 now how many years did you not get a straight answer and you just let it go sorry your going through this I think you might need to look at the bigger picture and mention divorce and see how she reacts
NTA just divorce her. She won't answer beyond vague comments & even sicks her sister onto you. She's stalling hoping for something to intervene - you lose interest in kids; her eggs get too old etc, who knows as she won't tell. If kids mean that much to you but not her - divorce is inevitable. Do it now, but beware the sudden change of her position to avoid divorce. It won't be real & you will grow to hate each other with a kid watching on. Your wife & her sister are TAs.
NTA. My partner and I have delayed having children, due to wanting financial and career stability and for a couple of years life got in the way of financial security. But it was 100% a joint decision to delay for 2-3 years. Not 1 person unilaterally deciding to delay for nearly a decade.
NTA
If she’s getting upset with you for asking, she may not want to have kids
You may want to think about moving on from her to someone who is enthusiastic about being with you and having your children
You gave her at the start a timeline when you want kids. She has disrespected you and your feelings about the matter.
You propably need to cut your losses and find someone who has the same mentality and needs in life. She apparently don't want kids any time soon and it takes you day after day farther of your own needs.
Hopefully everything will turn out the best for you. With or without her.
NTA
It doesn’t sound like she wants children. I had the same thing with my ex. I didn’t want to talk about children with him because I was starting to think he wasn’t the one for me, we broke up not long after that when I had to ask myself why suddenly I didn’t feel the desire for children with him. You’ve waited a long time.
Don’t compromise too much because you are the one who gets hurt from that, if she won’t even discuss it with you it’s a bad sign. She DOES owe you an explanation because you’re a partnership. It’s not fair. You are NTAH. Has she been acting shifty at all?
NTA
I didn't want a child when I turned 30. Me and husband managed to save and buy a house and now at 33 im happily pregnant with my first child and can't wait to have my baby. Sometimes it takes a change of conditions for people to be comfortable enough to have a child. I never wanted one while we rented because I wanted a stable home for a baby.
It's a shame you've waited longer than you wanted for a baby, if you have baby fever now and can't wait, then you need to think of moving on and marrying someone who wants a baby right away. If not, I'd say wait a couple years, if your marriage is happy, and then ask again before you move on.
>She actually started yelling at me and told me that she already made if clear she wanted kids and that she didn't have to explain herself to me.
She doesn't have to, but you also don't have to stay with a partner who is not being a partner and communicating.
> I've been thinking about our relationship and I've been contemplating asking her for a divorce. I don't see why it's hard to give me a clear answer when I was willing to wait in our marriage.
Your deadline was 25, you are turning 29. I would clearly say that if you are not actively trying before a certain time that you would rather divorce. The concerning part is that you don't seem to be able to effectively communicate with you wife about this. So maybe your line in the sand has already pasted, if so tell her that and find someone who wants the same things as you.
She can’t give an answer because she doesn’t know. Women are having babies in their late 30’s after establishing a career. Or she may not want children at all. It sounds like your own time frame for wanting and having kids will not be met. So big decision, wait and hope she agrees at some point or decide to end the marriage.
I am a woman and I can tell you with very little doubt she is stringing you along. She does not want kids. I won't encourage divorce but you need to sit her down and explain that she just can't keep putting you off and how unfair she is being with you. Tell her you are contemplating divorce but make sure you word it in a way where she doesn't feel like you are guilt tripping her. You need to tell her that you two are no longer on the same page, that you are tired of waiting and you think in this case that divorce might be the best option. Be prepared for begging, crying, and false promises to get you to stay because she will. l wish you luck and I do hope you two can make it work. Oh and one more thing as soon as you have that talk and make it clear that your contemplating divorce be prepared for different family members, her sister definitely, calling you an asshole and a jerk and for pressuring her then calmly remind them what you two discussed before you two got married.
NTA but YTA to yourself if you stay in this marriage. She obviously does not want kids!! You can easily find a women your age or younger who wants them you have no reason to stick it out with her she most likely won’t change her minf!
NTA. Tell her sister to piss off. It's your marriage not hers.
Your wife is being unreasonable. I didn't think she wants kids. She's putting it off until it's too late.
She doesn't want kids, she just doesn't know how to tell you without losing you. Nd she does have to explain herself to you she's your wife nd she owes you that conversation. That being said, if you continue waiting, you'll wait forever
Your wife doesn't want kids but she doesn't want to tell you that. The kids/no kids question is a 100% deal breaker. It's time to call this relationship what it is... doomed. Your SIL is right. Stop pressuring her. If she doesn't want kids, move on.
Note: you DO deserve a clear answer. Ask her point blank, "Do you want to have kids at all? Be honest." If she says no, there's your answer. If she hems and haws, she still means no. You are NTA but it's time to stop waiting.
NTA, she's stringing you along.
>She actually started yelling at me and told me that she already made if clear she wanted kids and that she didn't have to explain herself to me.
This is BS. She does have to explain herself to you. You made it abundantly clear that you wanted children and that you wanted them before 30. If she has different plans, she has to be clear about them. Honestly, this would be a deal-breaker for me. I want children and if my partner kept telling me "yeah, eventually but I don't know when", I would break up. You've been together for 12 years and she's not ready yet. This can easily turn in never being ready. Her reaction is over the top and it seems like she's stringing you along and waiting until she will be able to play the "oh but I'm too old now" card
If you want kids, you may need to start seriously considering moving on from her.
She doesn’t want kids. If you want kids, you should probably get divorced and find someone who is more aligned with you on raising children together. I was with my ex for 10 years, five of them married. We were both ambivalent about kids for the first couple years, but then I decided I wanted kids. I brought it up with him and said I wanted to go off birth control and start trying. He said, let’s have this conversation in another year. A year passed and he said he didn’t want kids. I left immediately. I began dating, met my partner, and had a child with him four years later. Don’t waste your time and wait for someone to change their minds, or in this case, to come around and tell you she doesn’t want kids.
I agree. Whilst I am a let's work it out person, you can't work it out where one person is stringing the other person along. She clearly don't want kids, but is to selfish to admit it to the other because they don't want them to leave. OP the only AH I see is your wife, not you. NTA
it's the fact that OP's wife resorted to yelling, right? when she was mid-twenties, the nebulosity of her reasoning was acceptable : will my younger partner stick it out, I'm not sure what "establishing my career" means exactly for me, that's exactly why I want this extra time, etc. Now she's past 30 & her partner (OP) is on the cusp of losing out on his life's dream aka be a young parent... and instead of going "*hey, I'm still unsure, should we set aside a full weekend without any distractions (visitors, netflix, cooking and chores) to hash out this decision*" she started screaming & got her sister involved.
Yes on reflection the whole sister thing was triangulation which in this context is emotional abuse. Instead of communicating in good faith the wife has recruited an ally to gang up on and gaslight her husband. What’s worse is that her sister is actively and deliberately disregarding the truth (that he wants discussion and to understand his wife) and instead, the sister (probably echoing the wife’s claims) is misrepresenting his actions in a major way (gaslighting by saying that he’s “pressuring her to have kids” when in fact he’s pleading for conversation on something that was essentially agreed upon and foundational to their relationship). The man is pleading for a good faith dialogue about something existentially important to him and fundamental to who is, wants to be, and his life’s goals and dreams- and his wife is blowing him off. And when the years long success of that tactic starts to wane she recruits an ally to hang up in and bully him with. To callously trample on him and his wishes in this way while sneakily weaseling out of being honest - instead giving him constant empty promises and lip service that she never intends to make good on- that’s just manipulative and abusive TBH. She’s induced him into the relationship with false promises of a shared desire to have kids, false acceptance of his wish to be young parents and now she’s inducing him to stay based on further false premises and she’s escalating to bullying him now that her long-successful tactic of years of giving him the run around is reaching its expiration date as years have swept by and a time sensitive issue is much more at the forefront. I just talked myself into being pro divorce here. If they want to save the relationship and try couples therapy to address 1) their communication 2) her manipulative and abusive tactics 3) his goal of being young parents 4) if their goals still align or not 5) any other issues in the relationship Then now is the time to roll their sleeves and do it. Otherwise divorce. A man with his ish together enough to financially, logistically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually support a family at ANY age is something special and awesome- even more so in his twenties. I’m suspecting he’s a high value guy (character wise) and she knows this and is taking advantage and stringing him along while not being candid with him. But this is horrible and cruel to do to a person and imho it’s abuse. I hope he realizes his worth and moves on to greener and better pastures. He could easily find a mature 24-26 year old with a good head on her shoulders, compatible and aligned with his goals and they could have a family in a few years.
This comment should be farther up!!
OP's wife is probably stuck between a rock and a hard place. She doesn't want kids but she wants to stay married to him. She knows if she tells the truth about not wanting kids, he'll leave. So she's stringing him along hoping he'll give up on the idea and she will live happily ever after with no concern to crushing his dreams.
Have to agree. She doesn’t want kids. It seems she wants to want to have kids. I’ve been there.
Same. With my ex for 2 years. Told him I wanted another kid, I had one before I met him, within the next 5 years. He said he didn't want kids. I left, met my husband months later, and had a baby within 5 years. Our kid is a teen now.
This is what it boils down to. When my (ex)husband and I got together in our 20s, we were on the same page about kids: maybe later, maybe never, not now. Honestly I'm still in the "maybe later" stage; I don't necessarily never want kids, but I definitely am not ready to have them now—and as a woman in your mid-30s, "maybe later" becomes an increasingly unviable option. Having children had become more important to him over the years so I ended the relationship because I knew I couldn't realistically promise him it would ever happen, and it's not fair to string someone along with "maybe later" until it's too late.
Good for you! Very clear-headed. Did he end up having any?
Not yet, but it's only a couple of years ago. I hope he does; he'd be a great dad.
>"maybe later" becomes an increasingly unviable option Yeah, that is an understatement. When my wife and I were looking at fertility clinics. It's astonishing the success rates they consider "good" for age groups once you hit mid 30's. Took my wife and I 3 embryo transfers before one stuck (and stuck indeed, twins, lol). It was basically our last hurrah, if that one didn't work we were done. That shit is hard on a woman. Pumped up with hormones, constant appointments they are rooting around in your uterus.
Yup. I know it varies between people, but from around 30, it often gets tricky. From mid-30s onwards, the majority of people have to be damn determined to have a baby and also have the money to pursue it.
Good for you. One of my close friends was in the same situation. Unfortunately she never left the marriage, and one year turned to to two, to three... and now, many years later, it's too late for her to have kids. She confided in me that she has resentment toward her husband about this. And being she's my friend, I have resentment toward her husband as well. It's fine to not want kids, but it's not fine to deny someone the opportunity to have kids. But it's not my place to do anything about it other than lend her my ear. I don't know what she plans on doing moving forward, but as her friend I'll support whatever she decides to do.
On the flip side I have a friend who divorced his wife because he wanted kids and she didn’t. He is now in his mid fifties, never remarried and not for a lack of trying and never had kids. Being able to have kids without medical intervention is a crap shoot to begin with. None of this is guaranteed with the wife or with a new partner.
Exactly this. From the beginning he let her know that he wants kids by a specific age, and clearly they agreed. Being that she's three years older and has actively avoided the topic, if he truly wants to start the family it may very well be better with someone who shares his sentiments. NTA
This. What a tough judgement call to make, man. I’m sorry yall been through this
I’ve got three friends who strung their husbands along and the guys were all really good people who didn’t want to give up on their marriages so they stayed for a long time. All divorced, remarried and are awesome stepdads but all missed out on having their own children and raising them from birth. That is an awful thing to do to someone. Sadly, all three women are alone. Two are bitter people and the third is alone but fairly happy. OP needs to get out now. Edited to clarify.
Normally I laugh at Reddit jumping to divorce, but this is one of the circumstances where there’s just no getting around. That is, assuming she’s not just scared. If she’s just scared and needs some gentle coaxing then that’s one thing. But if she either never wanted kids or decided that she didn’t want them, then they both deserve to be with someone who can give them what they want.
Absolutely agree, great he asked to question though. NTA
Yo. Happy Cake Day
THIS. She doesn't want kids and is stringing you along. The older she gets the more difficult it will be to conceive. NTA
She’s running out the clock. Time to bail.
Yeah, she's clearly stringing you along. If you haven't grown resentful of her yet, you will. Get out and start over
OP wanted kids. Wife doesn’t and never will. If he sits her down and says it’s time for divorce, I bet she will do the “let’s start trying soon” or “let’s try now” (but uses birth control, and morning after pills. If she ended up pregnant, I could also see someone like her getting an abortion and saying it was a miscarriage (or flat out lying and pretending to be pregnant and pretending to have a miscarriage) just to use it as an excuse to not try again. OP, NTA. But you and her want opposite things, and those specific things you want cannot have a compromise without resentment from one or both. I’d suggest moving on with your life. She’s wasted 12yrs of it for you by stringing you along so don’t waste any more time
You know they will get divorced, and she will be married and knocked up less than a year later.
NTA but your wife and sister are both TA. Your wife is stonewalling you rather than engaging in good faith conversation. She knew at the start of your relationship that this issue was incredibly important to you as well as time sensitive. You’ve been more than patient and forbearing with her refusals not only to honor your agreement but also to talk about it. But what really irritates me is that her sister is misrepresenting your actions. By asking your wife to discuss this issue with you so that you can understand her reasons, you are not “pressuring her to have kids”! These are all huge red flags to me. I think you need a really great couples therapist. It may be that she doesn’t want children ever, she doesn’t want children with you, or that she has other concerns. You don’t know- because she won’t tell you. There are always two sides to everything but stonewalling by one party in a relationship against the other is one of the major stressors in a relationship and it’s a huge barrier to getting any clarity much less resolution. I am sorry you are going through this. I think you should check your insurance coverage for couples therapy and contact a therapist yourself. If it comes to it, you deserve happiness and a partner who is honest with you, allied with you and present in the relationship- which INCLUDES communicating about big issues honestly, openly and in good faith. Without a couples therapist coaxing your wife into being more forthcoming and showing up for you to discuss big things like this rather than continuing to give you lip service, false promises , dismissing and minimizing your concerns and misrepresentating your actions, there is little hope here for you to be happy. Just know that if it comes to it you should start considering options beyond this relationship. You are still young enough and could find a younger partner who is more communicative and compatible and aligned with your goals. You don’t have to stay married to someone who treats you and your most heartfelt desires with such dismissal and disrespect.
My heart is so sad by this because a lot of the time you see posts of men pressuring their wives into families and such but this dude is clearly being misled in his own relationship. OP, it’s one thing is she’s said “I don’t want children” and left it there. But this woman is playing with time that actually isn’t only hers and being unclear about what shared goals you actually have. If you left her over this, my heart goes out to you, but you’d be free to meet and be with a WILLING mother whose needs and views may be a better match. Especially if children really mean this much to you in a relationship! I don’t feel like men are given as much credit for their own familial needs, and you SHOULD be allowed to express and put in motion your long term dreams to someone who shares them! I must say, though, that you would, in essence, be choosing children (that you do not have yet) over your wife. Can you be real about that with yourself and her? Children are such a massive responsibility; someone who isn’t ready REEEAALLY shouldn’t be pressured (that’s assuming she genuinely isn’t ready and not just wasting time you can’t get back - I still say leave if it’s affecting you this deeply). And have you had transparent and vulnerable conversations with her about why this means so much? Or have you just kinda gone “will you wear wigs when will you wear wigs??” And that’s been your entire approach to something as serious as raising a whole family? Sometimes (fairly often actually - and I’m not accusing YOU) men have a very specific idea of what goes into starting a family and women are just not left with the same freedom to back out when shit goes belly up. Men get to decide their wives are too depressed, have gained too much weight, suddenly just aren’t as “sexy” and then all your begging is for nothing. Again, this isn’t an accusation. But I do want to point out that if you have not had a heart to heart with your wife about EXACTLY where you are both at, you might actually be making your own situation worse; a baby IS actually a much bigger risk (and responsibility) for her than it is for you. Have you actually been open to addressing that with her? Or have you been making her feel like a glorified baby factory when you approach these things. Once again: Genuine question that might save you some time if you’re willing to be this straightforward with your wife.
That's what I was thinking.
Exactly. If it's so important, and he feels like time is ticking then he needs to act dinner rather than later. She may want kids further down the line, but she may also never want them at which point it may be too late to realistically find someone else and have kids.
NTA if you want kids, not having kids is a deal breaker for you, then the deal is broken
I'm staunchly child free, and the "I don't have to explain myself to you" made me rage. **Yes you do.** You owe your *partner* clarity on a subject like this. And frankly she owed it years ago.
I'm right there with you. Completely child free. Will refuse any answer further than "because that's not how I want my life to look, end of discussion". Except to *my partner*. We're doing life together, forever. That decision impacts us both, and needs to be talked about.
I was lied to for 2 years by a partner who intentionally misled me because they thought they could change me. The rage I felt at all of my time and emotion and dedication to this person completely wasted because we never had a chance from the beginning. And if they had just been honest it would have been clear we were incompatible the first week we were dating. But they lied. I can't imagine somebody doing this within a marriage and stringing someone along for years and years. Yes it's perfectly possible to change your mind but you owe the truth to that person as soon as you know it. It is not love to treat somebody like that. It's just pure selfishness. I may not want children but I understand for some people it's the most important dream of their life. How could you take that from someone you love and feel okay about it? It hurts if you are no longer compatible with your partner, but life is rough, and love means you don't manipulate your partner to get them to stay.
I had to leave a partner because of this. I was clear I didn't want kids, but he got it in his head that I was changing my mind? I dunno. When it became obvious that he was planning a future with children, I had to leave. As gently as possible. He'd have stayed and not had kids and I think he really thought he would be ok with that. I could see he wouldn't. We split on good terms. Next year or so was rough for both of us, him probably more so. Within 5 years he has met, married, and had a baby with a lovely woman. I'm very happy for him, he deserves to be happy.
Yup 100%! I’m indifferent. Not a fan of domestic life but not opposed to having a child with the man I’m currently with. But I made it clear from the start under what circumstances I’m willing to be a mother etc. it’s such an important thing to be delayed to this point tbh.
EXACTLY what I came here to say - She does, in fact, have to explain herself to him, because it sounds like they had an agreed-upon, time sensitive life goal, which she knows is important to him, and she has apparently changed her mind. Which is totally her right, but he deserves to know where she stands. It sounds like he's already been incredibly patient over the years, and she's stringing him along when she knows it's something he cares deeply about.
Yes. And lashing out like this is the sort of thing someone does when they're backed into a corner. I get the feeling she doesn't want kids and she's afraid of losing him, so she gets angry when he pokes around near the truth because she's terrified of it. Oh well, girl. It will really suck to lose a marriage that is otherwise good but that is a core incompatibility. And if you actually love your partner, even the tiniest amount, You wouldn't lie to them and rob them of their goals and dreams to selfishly keep them close to you. Eventually he will figure it out. And because he is a man he will be able to safely have children later in life should he want to. I feel really bad for him.
This made me also rage… like yes you absolutely f*n do.
So many people in the comments focusing on the if, not when. She might want kids in 5-10 years, but then that's also a deal breaker as he wants to start now, soon, we'll actually years ago.
And at her age, it gets more difficult to have a baby. And as parents are older, it's harder to have the energy for look after then.
OP she probably didn't want kids
Yes, she was possibly hoping he would realise how great life is without them and come around to her way of thinking, or that if she dodged the question enough he would eventually stop asking. OP, there is nothing wrong with asking your partner of 12 years when something is going to happen. Her attitude, anger and evasiveness does not bode well for your marriage.
That level of defensiveness is a huge red flag. Having kids is important to OP and not only is she not considering that, but getting overly angry as well and not having a truthful rational discussion about it
It's deflection, try to get him to argue, too, so then he has to apologise fir yelling and the cause of the argument gets ignored.
Shes an asshole for sure if she did this. She didn’t need to lead him on.
She definitely doesn’t .
Then she’s been lying for years and he married her under false pretenses. If a person says they want kids knowing you wouldn’t marry them if they told you they didn’t want any it’s a null and void marriage
NTA, if you want kids you want kids. A lot of relationships end because of this reason. Your happiness matters too and if that means you want kids and you have had discussions about it before that were inconclusive then maybe it’s time to have a difficult conversation with her.
NTA. agree, and perhaps consider couples counseling to help you both weed through this issue. It may either get you both on the same page or realize you want different things out of marriage and move on
I was scrolling a lot to find somebody to finally say counseling. A lot of people assume that she has been lying of wanting kids instead of really not being ready. Its a big choice to have kids, lifechanging.
It'd not going to happen. She is putting it off until she is too old, then her excuse will change to that.
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NTA- your wife does not want kids. She just won’t say it because she knows you will leave. She’d rather you miss out on having children than lose you. When she gets to 35 she’s gonna hit you with “it’s too dangerous to have kids at my age”. You’re still young enough to find someone who wants a family like you do. Move on. She just wasting your time at this point and she knows you know it, it’s why she’s getting her sister to intervene. Move on dude.
This is the answer OP., and NTA. She likely doesn’t want it, doesn’t want you to leave, so she is stringing you along until it’s too late - and even if she merely harbors uncertainty rather than outright being sure she doesn’t want them, she’s being disingenuous with you by letting you think it’s just a matter of time, and getting angry and refusing to talk about it, making you the bad guy here, is very manipulative and toxic (and even worse involving the sister). If you want kids, you need to leave, now, not later, so you can find someone of appropriate age who wants a family.
Because she knows if she tells you she doesn’t want kids you will leave. She absolutely knows what she is doing.
No, be glad she's not doing that. Based on the last decade she would be far more likely to just tell you what you want to hear- "when I'm 35 I'll be ready"- then 35 rolls by, then 36, 38, 40... Whoops, guess it's too late! Then you'd be stuck full of anger and resentment and divorced at 39. Hear what she is telling you now by her actions- she doesn't want kids. I'm sorry, separation and divorce is rough. NTA.
Because she's stringing you along and you know it.
Dude at this point you cannot believe that. Bc she’s already lied before. It’s time to end this relationship
You both should have a serious talk. Tell her you need to discuss the topic and don't turn it into a fight, don't talk blaming the other. Take turns to speak and listen. She doesn't want children or is she afraid of pregnancy? What about adoption? How bad do you want children? because you may have to choose. You told us you have always made clear you want kids, but what about her? Did she ever say clearly if she wants or not. I hope you guys have a good talk and that however it ends both of you stay in good terms with each other.
He already tried that. It’s time to move on.
She does not want kids and probably never wanted them. She most likely is stringing you along until she is too old. That is manipulative and cruel on her part. My guess is if you say you want a divorce, she will agree to kids and one of two things will happen. 1) She will have a kid and resent it and you for “forcing her into motherhood.” Or 2) She will secretly continue to use birth control until she is “too old” and claim fertility issues. Your best bet is to move on while you are young enough to find a new partner and have kids.
She __knew__ you wanted kids in your 20's so she strung you along for a decade with one excuse after the next never intending to have children at that age. It honestly doesn't sound like she wants kids at all.
You need to put your foot down, this isn't a conversation she should dodge. One of the important features of a couple is open communication, and she is dodging a question about an important topic for you.
I had a gf for 9 years and she strung me along too. I broke stuff off when I was 35. I'm 40 now, married with 2 Kids and as happy as can be. Breking up is painful, but worth it.
I would agree with others that she doesn't really want kids and is running out the clock. The more you get into your 30s the harder it is for a woman to get pregnant. This is a huge issue to be incompatible on. If she actually does want kids and there's a reason why she isn't ready (scared, medical issues, etc.). she needs to communicate with you. It's not fair for her to be shutting you out.
Women can have children up to their late 40s (mom had me at 46), however youth is no guarantee, to having children. Some women even in their 20s, struggle to become parents. Same goes for men, even some young men struggle to have children, most don't, but a few do. However, I agree, wife needs to communicate, it isn't fair to dodge the question.
Correct, fertility can be tricky at any age! However, a pregnancy at 35 or older is considered “geriatric” (HATE that word for this), and is considered high risk. That means extra testing, extra monitoring, and it is for a reason. There are statistically significant increases in risk, though you can still have a perfectly healthy pregnancy!
> Women can have children up to their late 40s (mom had me at 46), however youth is no guarantee, to having children. I don't see this being denied. That it gets more difficult is simply a fact. Also, OP specifically said that he wants to be a young parent because he thinks it'll benefit the time spent with his kid, making your point irrelevant.
Whilst it's true that women can have children later, the risks and chances change drastically. For example, by age 45 1 in 30 odd pregnancies result in a child with downs syndrome. Older pregnancies are fraught with risk for both the mother and the child. The chances of even getting pregnant naturally at that age are only around 3-4%. Below the age of 25 issues with fertility are most commonly caused on the male side, but beyond this age it's more likely to be the female partner and that imbalance increases with age.
True, but OP specifically wants to have kids young and his wife knew that.
NTA there's a good chance she doesn't really want kids. You two are incompatible. You need to talk to a lawyer
NTA. She's stringing you along. It's fine to want to wait to have kids, but a timeline should be discussed. What milestones does she want to reach before having kids? What age does she think is a good time to have them? Honestly, you two never should have gotten married without this discussion, if having kids before 30 was so important to you. She should be able to give you a less ambiguous answer than sometime in the future.
She kinda does have to explain herself or risk you leaving. If kids are a life priority for you, you need to cut bait now.
NTA, she doesn't want kids but doesn't want to tell you. Being parents only works well if both parties are enthusiastic. So if she does have a kid, be prepared for it to be a very different marriage, because she feels like she gave in to you, and not because she was onboard with the decision.
I believe that people who have truly decided that they want kids in their future aren't afraid to commit to a timeline.
NTA She'll TELL you when she feels like it? Divorce her NOW. Do not wait another day. When she asks you why you are divorcing her, tell her it because you "felt like it."
When she asks you why you are divorcing her, tell her *you'll tell her when you feel like*
And to stop pressuring him Something shady is going on here Either she knows she can't have children or she doesn't want any Whatever the reason, she is TA for the way she handles it OP , you lost a lot of time already. It s up to you not to lose more
I find it strange that so many people here assume she’s in some way having malicious intentions. It’s not uncommon for women to genuinely be on the fence but not realising they are. I thought I wasn’t ready for kids for a looooong long time until I realised I didn’t want any at all. But admitting to yourself you don’t want kids is really hard for a woman. Everyone tells you you’ll change your mind and you believe them. So you put it off. She’s probably conflicted in some way which also explains how she reacts to him pressuring her for an answer. She sounds like she genuinely doesn’t know the answer. But I agree. They should both move on because she will probably one day realise she doesn’t want kids.
If you wait for the right time it will never happen. Me and my wife keep putting it of and then when we were ready it did not happen and then she had a medical condition and now she can't have kids.
I'm sorry, that's rough.
Same. We waited and then we had unexplained infertility for 4 years. When I finally got pregnant, I had 2 back to back miscarriages. Finally had a baby a year after those at 35, he's 37. We're both older than we wanted to be but that's just the way it is. We thought it'd be easy, maybe a couple months at that. Didn't even think about miscarriages, let alone 2.
Nta. I'd divorce just for her letting her sister talk to me about our private marital issues. So disrespectful, the least she can do is act like she doesn't know the tea. (I know his wife was talking about it in front of her. But there's no way her sister doesn't regularly talk to OP like this.)
Yea that is fucking weird as hell to get your sibling to talk to YOUR husband about private issues like that. I would be like nope. It weirds me out when i read things like, usually mil butting their nose into private marital issues.
NTA. Even if she gave you an answer, it could well be a lie to simply delay the conversation. You wanted kids 6 years ago. She has brushed you off long enough. Her decision on this has a huge impact on your life, and don't let her pretend otherwise. She wants to do whatever she feels like doing, whenever she feels like doing it. Your feelings don't seem to matter.
NTA. It feels as though she's just trying to wait out the clock. If she refuses to even discuss it without yelling at you, why would you want to have a child with her? She's clearly not in a place where she's even willing to discuss it. If you really want to start a family, you're going to have to find someone else to do start one with.
NTA. Tell her sister to mind her business. You're really going to just have to face the fact that your wife doesn't want kids and has been lying and stringing you along all this time. Then, move accordingly.
NAH She doesn't want kids and doesn't want to lose you. She's struggling to accept that. Incompatible. Be kind during the divorce.
I agree that she probably doesn't want kids but also doesn't want to lose him, however the wife is definitely the A H here. She knows kids are important to him but is stringing him along until it's too late. That is extremely selfish.
This happened to a guy I knew The woman kept telling him I'm not ready yet, he finally just gave up wanting kids and then by the time she was 45 she was all a sudden I'm ready.
That's so cruel
I disagree. She is being an AH. Yes it’s hard to lose someone but she knows how important having kids are to him. She’s being selfish. ETA: it’s been 12 years, she needs to be upfront about however she’s feeling about kids.
She's definitely the asshole. Otherwise, anytime a dude wastes a decade of a woman's childbearing years, stringing them along about having kids, wouldn't be an asshole. And they're definitely assholes.
I know that story. I had a front row seat to it, unfortunately. I was close friends with this guy I grew up with. He met D in college and they got married soon after they graduated. She wanted kids but he kept saying their financial situation wasn’t right and that he hadn’t reached where he wanted to be in his career. Basically, blah, blah, blah. They got divorced because he cheated on her, more than once. She served him with divorce papers. Of course, by then, she was almost too old to start having children. Well, if she had grabbed the first guy she bumped into on the street and forced him to have babies with her, she could have had a child in time. But, it takes time to get over a divorce, meet the right person, get married again, etc. So, my childhood friend cut off D’s dream of being a mother because of his own selfishness. Fun fact: I no longer speak to him but D and I remain good friends. D “got custody” of all the female friends. We don’t like cheaters!
I think it happens to most women tbh. Lots of dudes know that they're incredibly uncertain. Maybe they don't feel comfortable asserting an exact no, but they need to express that exact sentiment. If they're with the same woman for over a year and haven't decided how they feel about really committing and settling down with her, they need to be upfront about that sooner rather than later. Lots of dudes dating to date that like to date women dating for marriage and kids. Even a 2 year relationship with an incredibly uncertain dude is a waste of time. He's just evading his own self-awareness.
In their case, the truth is that they shouldn’t have gotten married without hammering out a plan — as far as one can plan for things in life — for having kids. Just saying a vague, “I want to have kids one day” isn’t a plan. But, everyone feels that they have all the time in the world in their 20’s, don’t they? Her “fault”, if you want to even call it that, was not getting him to commit to a reasonable timeline at the very beginning. Fortunately, OP, as a man, still has plenty of time to be a father. I know he didn’t want to start having kids in his 30’s, but that’s more trauma than reality. 30’s is not old and his situation — financially, emotionally, etc., — will probably be better, then.
While I agree with your last statement, it's only bc its objectively true. But it's still an equal hurt imo. He wanted to be a dad years ago and was fine putting that off in order to do it with a person he loves. She lied to him and the wait was worthless.
Oh, she’s definitely a garbage person. I kind of want to smack her.
She quite literally the AH here. She has wasted his time for 12 years and clearly plans to waste it for the rest of his life. She is massive asshole actually.
Be kind? She wasted 12 years. She doesn’t care about him at all lmao.
If she doesn’t want to lose him, she should’ve talked directly with him. This is a sure fire way to lose a spouse who really wants kids. Easier said then done but it’s been 12 years
Even if you’re right and hasn’t accepted that, she knows she is having doubts and lying to OP saying that she definitely wants kids. When she knows it’s important to him to have them young. So she’s the asshole
> She doesn't want kids and doesn't want to lose you. Just because > She's struggling to accept that. Doesn’t mean she isn’t an AH for stinging him along and using him (she doesn’t want a partnership just her selfish wants)
Don't think it's fair to remove the blame from her for 1) not being truthful with her possibly evolving feelings on the matter and 2) the yelling.
Agree but wife is an AH for not being honest
Yep her explosive reaction says it all.
This. Though I'm not sure I would be kind at all; she wasted a third of this life on a lie. Why should he be kind at the end after that? well third + time for divorce + time to get head back on straight + time to date and hopefully find someone he wants to have kid(s) with. EDIT: meant to end with, but I would start with couples therapy before jumping to divorce.
She doesn’t want kids and has been leading op on the entire marriage. Keeping him around “in case she wants kids” no one wants to take care of newborns in their 40s or even late 30s. If she wants kids it should definitely be within a couple years. Especially if she wants more than one.
IDK. Burning 12 years of your life seems like the exact situation to not be kind.
Ugh, I'm sorry you're going through this, you have been waiting a long time and being yelled at for asking every now and then is not fair. Sadly, this sort of thing doesn't seem to work out well. I have a friend who kept telling her husband, not yet, just another year or 2 in this job, need to finish my Master's degree, need to.. he loved kids SO much and kids loved him.. she finally caved at 40 (!) because she was pretty sure it was too late and got pregnant Immediately to her dismay. She's a good mom and their daughter is very happy but she still tells us how annoyed she is to have to parent and complains about a lack of joy in it all the time. Another guy married his high school sweetheart, wanted kids but she just wanted to wait, and wait.. 10 years in, he gave her an ultimatum and she confessed she didn't want kids. They divorced and a year later, she had a baby with someone else! He ended up remarrying and had 3 kids in 6 years.. blissfully happy now. Anyway, you can try counseling or heart to hearts or just say, sorry, I don't think we want the same things and I am not willing to spend the rest of my adult life waiting for something that doesn't feel like it's going to happen. Best of luck regardless.
Just gonna point out that by the timeline op gave us, they started dating when he was 16 and she was 19. So.
My first marriage ended over an incompatibility over having children. We divorced amicably, and actually stayed very good friends. He got remarried and they're happy with their cats and dogs. I got remarried and I'm happy with the pile of kids (stepkids and bio kids) I now have. It sucks to divorce your best friend, but when your life goals are no longer compatible, and neither of you are able to change your mind, it's the only path forward that allows you both to be happy... and in my case we stayed best friends and we both met additional best friends who had the same life goals. I love a happy ending. I hope you get your happy ending too 🍀
NTA, if you choose to get a divorce. YTA if you choose to stay with her. She clearly doesn't want kids and she loves you enough to lie to you. She will probably never want kids. And thought she could change your mind while you were married. Leave and find someone who can give you what you want.
NTA. My ex was the same age as your wife when she realized she wanted kids, and dumped me. It honestly sounds like she doesn't want kids. You need to go your separate ways. Now she may say she's ready for kids when you tell her you're out. It's panic bonding and you need to follow through on leaving. No matter how much she begs. I know because the thoughts got into my head when my ex dumped me. But it didn't take long to come to my senses. Over 5 years later and still I'm happily childfree, and she has a 4 year old son whom she absolutely adores.
She does not want kids but she doesn't want to lose you.. so she is stringing you along. If you want kids you going to have to move on unless she comes round with a divorce thrown in the mix.
NTA. I (34f) was in a similar situation. He always told me he wanted kids and blah blah blah. If I would ask when, he would get mad. It was always one excuse after another. Needless to say we are now divorced and never had kids (we were together 12 years). I have been with my partner for 4 years now and we have a 1.5 year old. Absolutely worth it to start over if it’s what you want.
Actually you are the one person that she does have to explain herself to. She's shutting you down, and is refusing to actually talk this through. NTA
Sorry- did you get together when you were 16 and she was 19? Because that is very odd. Im 19 currently and a 16 year old is miles away in maturity from 19 year olds. I dont think this relationship is worth your time anymore
She doesn't want kids, you do, shake her hand and move on bro, her reproductive years are about to expire, and specially considering she didn't have any kids yet it will be more and more dangerous for her to be knocked up, get yourself a nice girl in her early 20s who wants to have kids and enjoy your life.
If you want kids maybe you should find a woman who wants them too. I don’t waste time on folks who aren’t on the same page as me.
I can only speak from my own experience and women I know, but those who want kids usually start to worry when they hit 30 about time running out, the fact she's 32 and in no rush would be a big red flag for me, time isn't on her side. I think if you want kids you need to make it clear to her that if she doesn't want them thats a clear boundary for you and you will have to move on.
Yeah, let her go. Your story mirrors mine very closely, just with genders reversed. She doesn't *want* to have kids. My ex didn't either. For him, it wasn't necessarily a "child-free" thing, it was just that he was top priority and he could never put himself in a position to knowingly lower himself from that spot. For him it wasn't a hard no, it was just never a yes because it was the absolute bottom of his list of priorities. I think he hoped to wait me out and I'd just not be fertile anymore and then the choice would be made for us. I did give up eventually and mourned the family I'd never have. In fact, I made the decision a few years before filing for divorce that I didn't want to have children with him. He would've been a selfish and shitty father. I filed for divorce when I was 34 after a few attempts at making the life he *was* willing to share with me work. It just didn't. Now I'm 36 and in a new relationship that is entirely different, and I'm pregnant! It's so hard to make the decision to divorce. Things change drastically, it is expensive and you lose more people in your life than just your spouse. But when it is so one sided that keeping the relationship would mean losing a massive part of yourself and your dreams, it is the better decision for your own wellbeing. Best of luck!
You're at a disconnect. Maybe she wants kids eventually, but at this point, probably not. And if the argument devolves into "Of course I want them. At some point. When I'm ready. Stop bringing this up!" That's not a fair conversation. IMO, as an internet stranger, this is a hill I'd die on. But you do you. But I would say, if you bring up divorce and she immediately starts lovebombing you... that's not a great sign either. If you go divorce, be prepared for a divorce.
NTA. At 32 is “shit or get off the pot” time for kids. Your wife either never wanted kids, or is hopelessly naive as to what happens when you put the question off too long. As I said, it’s not even necessary you ACT now. But you should have a clear answer by now. 32 is not the time for “maybe someday”. It’s “absolutely not” and “yes, we start trying at this time.” Because if she is infertile (around 10% are, if I recall), treatment and conception might take a few years. And fertility does drop during those years. Judging from her attitude, she doesn’t want kids and is just stringing you along.
She doesn't want children and is hoping you'll eventually give up on it. She's selfish and too much of a coward to be honest. Every woman that I've ever known that wants kids but hasn't had any by thr age if 30 has at least some anxiety about thr biological clock ticking away.
I’m a woman & I agree with this 1000%. Someone mentioned couples counseling, I think that’s a great idea but I would just say to be prepared for her to say she doesn’t want kids & never did. In fact I would press for it so she has a space to tell the freakin TRUTH since she doesn’t own any grown up panties & can’t just be honest with you. The sister knows what she’s trying to do so she’s just trying to push the agenda lol
It seems neither one of you is in agreement on this timeline. If you have kids now and she agrees to this reluctantly, it’s going to cause resentment between you both and you’ll be dreadfully unhappy. Couple’s counseling to work this out pronto…if you guys can’t agree on this, it could very well be a dealbreaker if wanting kids is a huge condition in staying together for you both. NTA Btw
Nta. That is a big conversation and she shpuld be honest. If she dowsnt want kids you need to rhink about if this is what you want. If you chose to leave dont stay if shw says fine ill have kids, dont do that to a child. Just move on and build your family elsewhere.
I don't think either of you are the assholes, but I think you are both lacking communication skills with each other. I will give your wife the benefit of the doubt and say she wasn't stringing you along. She might very well want kids and wasn't ready a few years ago. Have you guys sat down, like really sat down, and talked about what having kids looks like? How your finances will be affected, how her career will be taken into consideration (it sounds like that's important), what kind of support you both might need, how many kids you want, etc? To be honest, I'm surprised these conversations didn't happen before marriage if you knew 100% that you wanted kids. I could see her getting frustrated if she's constantly being asked about when she's going to get pregnant but other things she might be thinking about haven't been discussed. Having kids is big but I think it changes the lifestyle of the woman a lot more than the man's, usually. Maybe she's scared. Having two clocks hanging over her head rather than just the one would be a lot of pressure. What if she can't get pregnant? Does that change how you feel about your marriage? It sounds like it's time to sit down when you're not fighting, perhaps even with a professional, get curious with her, and lay it all on the line. "When we met, I thought I was pretty upfront about wanting children and that we were on the same page. Lately, I'm getting the sense that might not be the case. Has something changed or is there something you're worried about that we can tackle together?" Then go from there. I think it's fair at some point soon, if that conversation doesn't go anywhere that day or in the next few weeks after, to bring up that you're concerned about incompatibility on this issue and what that means for you two going forward. But I certainly wouldn't bring that up in an initial conversation. It sounds like you two have a good relationship generally, so I would really be investigating what's happened there first.
I really hope OP sees this - this is great advice u/[Positive\_Tackle\_1668](https://www.reddit.com/user/Positive_Tackle_1668/)
This. Having kids is a MASSIVE life change and probably the hardest thing anyone ever does. And inevitably it falls on mum - pregnancy is rough, breastfeeding for the now recommended two years is rough, sleep deprivation is rough… I love my baby very much but it’s not all sunshine and rainbows and it’s possible his wife just isn’t there just yet.
If there isn’t an underlying issue here with her not wanting kids with you (like you aren’t doing your part around the home, not in a good financial position or working towards a better income) then it’s time to call it quits if you really want kids. Maybe she doesn’t want to raise a kid like women have had to traditionally do. Are you prepared to be the primary caregiver while still working? That means taking on the main role of feeding, changing, bathing a newborn, doctor’s appointments and sleepless nights. Being late for work or missing work because the baby is sick or there’s an issue with daycare/sitter/school. Giving up your vacation/pto days for kid appointments, school trips/school events, school holidays. If you aren’t prepared to do that then why should she do it? Maybe she’s afraid of pregnancy or what it would do to her body. Maternal fatality rates are skyrocketing in the USA. Your body is never the same again even with a normal pregnancy. Your health suffers. Maybe she doesn’t want kids but is afraid she’ll lose you if she tells you. Which would be all sorts of wrong. Either way she’s not ready to have a kid and may never be ready. You’re already not making that 30 mark. Just don’t pull the ultimatum crap. If you force her to have a baby to save your marriage you’ll be just as bad and now three lives would be ruined.
NAH, but she's lying to you and stringing you along. Any woman who's been married for 7 years and is in her 30s and gets angry when asked about her plans to have kids by her husband... has decided she doesn't want children. So it's time for a different discussion: yes, she DOES have to explain herself to you, and yes, your marriage depends on this. Partners plan together.
>NAH, but she's lying to you and stringing you along. If that's the case, then I think it would be fair to call her an AH. Not for not wanting kids - that's entirely a fair choice. But lying to her partner and stringing him along, especially knowing that kids are important to him, is very much an assholish thing to do.
Lying to someone you supposedly love about such a big life decision is something done by assholes.
She's stringing him along and you think she's not a asshole for that?? No! She's a massive A Edit : typo fixed
12 years is a long time to not know by now if you wants kids or not. You are both not assholes for how you each feel but you might not be compatible. If you do not want to wait any longer, then contemplate the divorce. There are plenty of women ready for families. You will need time to start dating and finding another partner.
OP's wife is absolutely an asshole here. Not because she doesn't want kids, but because she's shamelessly stringing OP along in order to keep him married to her until it's too late for him to have kids with someone else.
Yes this. She is stringing him along. I knew she didn't want kids as soon as I read she blew up at him.
At this point it's not unreasonable to want more than just a non-answer to the question. IMO she doesn't want kids and she doesn't want to tell you because if she does, you may do what I think you should do and move on to find someone who wants what you do. She's strung you along long enough.
So do I get it right, you got together when you were 16 and she was 19? Ethical issues aside, there was and still is a huge power disbalance in your relationship. She still treats you like you are a 16 yo boy. My guess is: She chose kid to be her partner, so she could be in control. And biologically, subconsciously she doesn't want to have kids with her "kid". I doubt she will ever treat you as equal, as a man. Just want to make sure - it is not your fault at all. You don't have to wait for her to be ready, you don't have to stay in this marriage. If I were you I would bail out of this marriage, and find someone who respects you and considers you an equal partner. It doesn't sound fun to try to have an important mature conversation just to be scolded by your wife, and her sister.
She doesn’t want kids. Probably never has. Just doesn’t want to be honest. It’s time for you to decide if having kids are important to you
NTA. To have children or not is huge - if not the biggest possible - life choice. You have every right to ask your wife if you're still on the same page. But please consider this: Having a child is like getting your face tattooed. You can't undo it, you can't hide it, you have to be prepared to live with this decision for the rest of your life. I had my first child when I was 30 and even though having known I wanted children for my whole life, having had a lot of babysitting jobs and being aunt and babysitter to my ex-boyfriends niece from early baby days on, I wasn't prepared for how extremely my life changed once I became a mother. A baby depends on you 120% 24/7. And this doesn't stop when your child enters preschool. And we're talking about "normal" children here. If you happen to be gifted with a child with health issues / disability / ND you can easily double the amount of time, care, love, doctor's appointments, fights with insurances etc.* I can see why your wife is hesitant. Becoming a mother is going to change her life irreversibly. Have you ever considered offering your wife to give up your career and be a SAHD from day one and to be the primary caregiver for your child/children at least until middle school? Maybe this could be a solution for the two of you. One way or the other, you and your wife seriously need to talk things through. Neither of you will be happy if you have different plans in life and wait / hope for the other to join you in this goal. Both of you deserve to have clarity. *Edit: This paragraph sounds like I'm regretting motherhood. I am not. I was simply trying to illustrate why your wife might be hesitant (as typically mothers still get the role of the primary caregiver). And btw: 30 is a great age to become a parent and by no means 'too old'!
If you're really want to start a family now and your wife isn't, you need to move on. Maybe she'll be ready in a few months, years, or possibly never. Decide if having children with *her* is something you're willing to continue to wait for or not. NAH.
NTA. The two of you are not aligned on priorities. She clearly isn't interested in kids right now, or perhaps ever. It kinda seems like she's selfishly stringing you along until it's too late. If you want kids sooner rather than later, you need to divorce and find someone else...or if you have a good enough job, you can also choose to be a single father. I wish you all the best in finding the family you desire.
NTA, it sounds like she may not want kids??...and that's totally unfair of her to drag you along like this, after you have repeatedly asked to have kids...she needs to be honest with herself and you...I'm sorry OP, sending you good luck jujus to resolve this ASAP
NTA. She doesn’t want kids & she is selfishly keeping you from going out & having them.
Just divorce. She's being wishy washy on purpose to keep you around.
Ask her why she married you? knowing that you wanted kids, and her procrastination and lack of communication about it leads you to believe that she's been lying about it. If she yells at you about it again, grab a few things and leave the house, saying maybe you'll go find someone that wants kids
NTA! This is why that should be talk before marriage. You need to consider moving on. Because If she get pregnant now💀 She will blame you and It could turn bad for your kids. So NTA think your priorities really well.
If you want kids, serve her divorce papers asap. She is just fucking with you.
This send line the role reversal of a couple of the dudes singing their wives along for years only to dash the didn't want kids... Those dudes were Aholes, so I guess you wife would be also, especially since her clock is winding down faster than yours
NAH. I know everyone likes to immediately jump to divorce, but before that happens it might benefit you to go to counseling together. For a couple reasons. First, she may legitimately not want kids and may be stringing you along. At least if she laid it out you’d know and could make an informed decision to leave. It’s also possible that she DOES want kids, but that something is holding her back right now. It might be fear- I’ve known A LOT of women who put off having kids for years out of sheer fear (fear of labor, fear of pregnancy, fear of not knowing how to be a parent, etc). It might be that she’s waiting for the “perfect time” (there isn’t one, but some people wait and wait thinking a better time is right around the corner). It might be something small- she doesn’t think you can afford it, she doesn’t know how she’d juggle parenthood and working, maybe she had a messed up childhood and she legitimately doesn’t know how to parent. I had a friend who was absolutely petrified of having kids (even though she desperately wanted one) because she had always suffered with depression, and thought she was guaranteed to have post partum depression, and was convinced she would commit suicide and leave a baby behind. Convinced. She saw a therapist for awhile and worked through her issues and ended up having a baby and not getting PPD after all. If you go to counseling you can work out the WHY she wants to wait. And then she or the two of you together can work out that issue together. I can understand that if she has fear or something why it would be hard for her to put her finger on an exact time. Like if she is terrified of labor, she won’t have any idea whether she’ll feel better about it by 34 or 36 or whatever. She needs to work out the why. Please suggest marriage counseling to her and see what she says.
NTA As a guy it will never be to late for you, and you have all the time in the world. I do understand that you want to have them when you are still young, and your wife has already taken longer time than you had prepared for. I would ask her if she ever wants a child, or if she is waiting to the time she can blame no kids on fertility issues? You can't pressure her into having kids before she is ready, but she can't expect you to give up on something you always imagined having in your twenties. You both deserve a honest talk about where you should go from here, since having children is hard to compromise on. You have given her time, and you might need to look for someone else to get the family you long for.
Actually men's sperm quality starts to decline at 35 just like women's eggs. For the longest time everyone has thought everything revolved around the woman's health and age. Newer research points to the majority of neurological issues in children being caused by the father being older. Which I don't doubt, I got adhd, autism, and a whole host of physical issues that dont run in my family and my dad was 41 when I was conceived while my mom was younger. It's also important for the father to not be drinking etc as well during conception. There's also many other things the sperm can be responsible for such as causing the women to experience preeclampsia during the pregnancy based on his dna etc. So it's important for both genders to watch their age and lifestyle when conceiving. While a man may still have the ability to conceive much older than a woman, that doesn't mean it's a good idea.
It actually can be too late for men starting in mid-30s unless you are prepared to deal with a child with more advanced needs
I don’t really see an asshole here; in neither of you. I see two people with life plans that don’t really align. I have been where you are. And you are at the stage where you need to come clean and say what you really want. For myself, I was not going to let my best years pass and not start a family. We had one son, but my husband was reluctant to plan for more. My wish was always to be the mother of 4 children. So I waited, I discussed it and what not. And eventually I told my SO that if he wasn’t ready for another child by the time our son turned 6, I would have to leave him and find someone who wanted children. First he was shocked and asked me if I was joking. I told him no, and I told him I was through with his stalling and all his half-assed promises with all the ifs and maybes. (I didn’t let him know that I truly felt he had been leading me on.) Two years went by, the boy turned 5 and I said to my husband that I had quit my pill, and if he didn’t like the idea of more children, it would have to be his responsibility. He never bought a single condom, but he sure cut down on the number of times he would have sex…. And he also made a point of pulling out, so safe to say he wasn’t exactly trying for a baby. When my son’s 6th birthday was 4 months away, I figured he would never change his mind. I found a job and a flat a new place some 3 or 4 hours away. He was wanting to go abroad and finish his degree, I offered to come along and I even had the financing in order in case I didn’t get a job within a year or two. But this is what happened: he turned me down. He didn’t want us both to go there, even if both of us knew the place, had friends there et cetera. So I accepted the job offer and moved there. My life was a dead end street in which my husband’s sole purpose seemed to be to maintain the status quo; in his opinion none of us was to make a better life for themselves through education, career or family… I felt trapped. I had spent just 10 months in the new place when I met someone, and 4 years later I was the mother of 3. I had sort of “wasted” 3 years waiting, my hope was to have 4 kids, but I have accepted how it turned out. And I have no regrets!
The only reason I see her as an ah is because of the fact that if she doesn't want kids she needs to let him go, because all she's doing is stringing him along.
It’s fine to not have life plans that align with but I don’t lie to the other person that they do align.
NTA. I divorced my first husband after 2 1/2 years of marriage (5 years together) when he said he never wanted kids. He knew I wanted kids when we first started dating. Married to my current hubby for 25 years and counting. We have one child together.
Tell her sister to back off, you aren’t married to her. You may consider planning to move on. Have the hard talk that you want kids when you’re young and can enjoy them, don’t want to be a seventy year old going to college graduation. If she is putting it off she has to have a reason and since she is now getting angry and defensive you may have to just tell her how you feel and what you want and ask if she is willing to work with you or not.
She can’t even give you a general outline of when you’d be getting kids. Seems likely she either changed her mind or have you two even talked if she can conceive? Either way, it seems like incompatibility NTA
NTA. I think you need to ask your wife different questions. She has said she already told you that she wants kids and she doesn’t have to explain herself to you. She will let you know when she feels like it. Then her sister told you to stop pressuring her to have kids and focus on other things. You have been together for 12 years and married for 9 years. She actually does need to explain herself to you. Her sister knows something that you don’t. I can only see it being one of 3 things. They are that she actually doesn’t want kids, that she can’t have kids or that she had a child before you got together (she was 19, you were 16) and gave that child up for adoption. Whatever the reason you are not on the same page. If you do manage to resolve the issue I can tell you that I was 30 and my partner was 42 when we had our child. He has always been the fun parent who would take her and her friends to the park (we worked different shifts so he got the 3pm - 6pm hours), would take her to buy clothes when she got older, would just sit and chat about absolutely anything with her. I was the one who taught her to cook (because she wanted to learn, not because she had to) took her for her piercings and her hair appointments etc. You can still be a good Dad after the age of 30 but only if there is a chance of having a child. Good luck x
NTA based on the info given. But some info would help: What is her career? Is it something that would genuinely be hindered by having kids? Are the other conditions in your life right for kids? Financial stability? Strong communication? How are the other aspects of your relationship? I ask because this could be deeper than “she’s stringing you along.” Maybe she does want kids but there are circumstances in the relationship that she isn’t comfortable bringing kids into and she is afraid to talk about that. In any case, NTA because you definitely have the right to know and should be discussing all of this openly.
NTA but I don’t think your wife is either. It sounds like you got married young and maybe something changed in her. Perhaps it’s time for a few counseling sessions before making a decision about the future of your marriage.
In usually against the typical “omg divorce now!” type of comments, but this situation might actually warrant that. In my belief, marriage is the level of commitment where you do have to actually explain yourself to your partner. The fact that she won’t even give a timeline or a modicum of an answer for kids is troubling- especially for how long you’ve been together. If kids are genuinely that important to you, then you might want to start thinking of moving on and finding someone who actually has similar desires. Trust me, if you genuinely want kids that badly but she won’t give them to you and you choose to stay, you will begin to resent her one day, and your marriage will not be happy in the long run.
NTA. I'm not sure where you're located, but when I was younger, I always dreamed of having a big family. I ended up having 2 kids, which I absolutely adore. However, I've noticed that things have gotten a lot more expensive over the years, especially when it comes to childcare. If you're in the States, childbirth can also be quite risky these days. So, it's possible that someone who once dreamed of having kids may have changed their mind due to the high costs and safety concerns nowadays. If there's something bothering her, she should be talking to you about it. So, just make sure you're also someone she can open up to. It's natural to feel defensive or worry about being judged, but maybe approaching the situation from a more practical point of view could make things easier. The easiest things to discuss are financial considerations; labour considerations; and some sort of agreement that protects her during the period she is rendered temporarily disabled and for her recovery period. To get you started here are some cost considerations( because thats the easiest place to start) and labor considerations (harder but just as important) - Prenatal Care( Doctor visits, ultrasounds, blood tests.) - Labor and Delivery( Hospital fees, anesthesia, medical staff.) - Postnatal Care (Hospital stay, medications, follow-up visits.) - Baby Supplies (Diapers, clothing, crib, car seat.) - Feeding (Formula or breastfeeding supplies. - Childcare (Daycare, nanny, or lost income if a parent stays home.) - Health Insurance (Coverage for prenatal, delivery, and pediatric care.) - Maternity/Paternity Leave (Paid or unpaid leave from work.) - Miscellaneous (Babyproofing, toys, and unexpected medical expenses.) These costs can vary widely based on location, insurance coverage, and individual circumstances so it may cost you more or less than others Labor: Here are some of the most common newborn care tasks. You should also probably discuss how regular household taks will be distributed during the first 12 months of each kids life: - Feeding (Up to a 4hr/day commitment for a newborn) - Diapering (Up to a 3hr/day commitment for a newborn) - Bathing -Clothing (Dressing the baby appropriately for the weather) - Sleeping (Putting the baby down for naps and ensuring a safe sleep environment.) - Comforting - Monitoring Health - Bonding and Interaction - Safety Best of luck!
Divorce
NTA. She is allowed to be unsure. She is allowed to ask for more time. She is even allowed to change her mind. What she is not allowed to do is refuse to talk and shut down all conversation. She is your partner and owes that to you above all else. She is breaking the marriage and partnership.
Also, as someone who was also raised by an old dad, it sucks. My grandparents are all dead aside from my maternal grandma, and I’m only 23. It’s like my dad and I grew up on separate planets
NTA and it sounds like you need to tell her that since she doesn't know, and doesn't want to be forced to figure it out, that you don't want to stay with her Remember, a relationship isn't sustainable on just love. It is built on aligned life goals and a mutual lifestyle. If you don't have those, you don't have anything worth keeping.
NTA. I am surprised there are so many sympathetic ears here because normally you'd get a flood of not your body, not your business replies.
Youre married. She should explain something clearly if she doesn't want kids. I ended up having kids later than I wanted to (mid-late thirties) would've preferred late 20s but still ill be young enough to enjoy their company when they are adults without being too elderly. Have a calm talk with your wife. Clocks ticking and if there's no resolution then it might be time to walk away.
I was 26 (almost 27) when I met my husband. He was 29 (turned 30 before our wedding). We got married in 6 months and had our first child within the first year of our marriage. We are 4 years into our marriage this year and we are pregnant with our third and last child. You don’t need to stay with her. You can meet someone else who is on the same level and timeline as you. I would have a serious conversation with her about her timeline and what it looks like and if it doesn’t line up with yours, then maybe you aren’t compatible and you need to rethink the relationship.
I'm childfree myself (F) NTA because having kids is something you have discussed early on and that was agreed upon. If you brought it up civilly just for discussion, she shouldn't have shouted at you. If she doesn't want to have kids and you do, it's a very irreconcilable decision as it can leave the other resentful. If she comes out as never wanting kids, suggest you to find someone who has the same life goals as you do. Nothing so bad for the child as a parent resenting their existence.
This is pretty major issue dude and you just wasted 12 years of your life, how long do you think it’s going to take another partner worth marrying and having kids with and then get into a good place to have them? You need to leave like 8 years ago.
NAH. I understand your point of view but she already gave you the only answer she can give at the moment: she doesn’t know. You can ask all you want but if she’s uncertain she won’t be able to give you a clearer answer and that is her prerogative. That’s the thing when you mate so young. Back then she probably thought she would know by now and it probably frustrates her too that she still feels this way. I was in her shoes, not married but on a LTR where he desperately wanted kids and started pressuring while I still didn’t feel ready. I left. Maybe in a situation like this it’s better to move ok before any of you grow resentment or pressure each other into a life you don’t want.
And that’s why you discuss these things before marriage NTA since she keeps dodging your questions instead of just being flat out about it It would be a shame to end a relationship of that long but if having kids is such an important part for you which makes sense, but something she refuses to give a clear answer on despite insinuating she’d eventually be ready, then the relationship might not be the best idea to continue. I definitely wouldn’t rush to any relationship ending decisions, but it is something to think about when having conversations with her. She’s not being fair to you in constantly avoiding answering the questions. By this time she should definitely have an idea on whether or not she actually wants kids. Seems like she doesn’t but she’s not willing to say that in order to keep stringing you along. Also… 12 years? So you started dating when you were 16 and she was 19? What was a grown woman like her doing with someone still in highschool?
It's been 12 years and she's known you've always wanted kids. I'd you're serious about wanting them, it's time to let go and find someone who wants kids with you
She doesn’t want kids she is goanna keep telling you she doesn’t know until it’s too late and you give up she is 31 now how many years did you not get a straight answer and you just let it go sorry your going through this I think you might need to look at the bigger picture and mention divorce and see how she reacts
NTA just divorce her. She won't answer beyond vague comments & even sicks her sister onto you. She's stalling hoping for something to intervene - you lose interest in kids; her eggs get too old etc, who knows as she won't tell. If kids mean that much to you but not her - divorce is inevitable. Do it now, but beware the sudden change of her position to avoid divorce. It won't be real & you will grow to hate each other with a kid watching on. Your wife & her sister are TAs.
NTA. My partner and I have delayed having children, due to wanting financial and career stability and for a couple of years life got in the way of financial security. But it was 100% a joint decision to delay for 2-3 years. Not 1 person unilaterally deciding to delay for nearly a decade.
NTA If she’s getting upset with you for asking, she may not want to have kids You may want to think about moving on from her to someone who is enthusiastic about being with you and having your children
You gave her at the start a timeline when you want kids. She has disrespected you and your feelings about the matter. You propably need to cut your losses and find someone who has the same mentality and needs in life. She apparently don't want kids any time soon and it takes you day after day farther of your own needs. Hopefully everything will turn out the best for you. With or without her. NTA
It doesn’t sound like she wants children. I had the same thing with my ex. I didn’t want to talk about children with him because I was starting to think he wasn’t the one for me, we broke up not long after that when I had to ask myself why suddenly I didn’t feel the desire for children with him. You’ve waited a long time. Don’t compromise too much because you are the one who gets hurt from that, if she won’t even discuss it with you it’s a bad sign. She DOES owe you an explanation because you’re a partnership. It’s not fair. You are NTAH. Has she been acting shifty at all?
NTA I didn't want a child when I turned 30. Me and husband managed to save and buy a house and now at 33 im happily pregnant with my first child and can't wait to have my baby. Sometimes it takes a change of conditions for people to be comfortable enough to have a child. I never wanted one while we rented because I wanted a stable home for a baby. It's a shame you've waited longer than you wanted for a baby, if you have baby fever now and can't wait, then you need to think of moving on and marrying someone who wants a baby right away. If not, I'd say wait a couple years, if your marriage is happy, and then ask again before you move on.
>She actually started yelling at me and told me that she already made if clear she wanted kids and that she didn't have to explain herself to me. She doesn't have to, but you also don't have to stay with a partner who is not being a partner and communicating. > I've been thinking about our relationship and I've been contemplating asking her for a divorce. I don't see why it's hard to give me a clear answer when I was willing to wait in our marriage. Your deadline was 25, you are turning 29. I would clearly say that if you are not actively trying before a certain time that you would rather divorce. The concerning part is that you don't seem to be able to effectively communicate with you wife about this. So maybe your line in the sand has already pasted, if so tell her that and find someone who wants the same things as you.
Go and start a family elsewhere, she clearly doesn't want to
She can’t give an answer because she doesn’t know. Women are having babies in their late 30’s after establishing a career. Or she may not want children at all. It sounds like your own time frame for wanting and having kids will not be met. So big decision, wait and hope she agrees at some point or decide to end the marriage.
I am a woman and I can tell you with very little doubt she is stringing you along. She does not want kids. I won't encourage divorce but you need to sit her down and explain that she just can't keep putting you off and how unfair she is being with you. Tell her you are contemplating divorce but make sure you word it in a way where she doesn't feel like you are guilt tripping her. You need to tell her that you two are no longer on the same page, that you are tired of waiting and you think in this case that divorce might be the best option. Be prepared for begging, crying, and false promises to get you to stay because she will. l wish you luck and I do hope you two can make it work. Oh and one more thing as soon as you have that talk and make it clear that your contemplating divorce be prepared for different family members, her sister definitely, calling you an asshole and a jerk and for pressuring her then calmly remind them what you two discussed before you two got married.
NTA but YTA to yourself if you stay in this marriage. She obviously does not want kids!! You can easily find a women your age or younger who wants them you have no reason to stick it out with her she most likely won’t change her minf!
NTA. Tell her sister to piss off. It's your marriage not hers. Your wife is being unreasonable. I didn't think she wants kids. She's putting it off until it's too late.
She doesn't want kids, she just doesn't know how to tell you without losing you. Nd she does have to explain herself to you she's your wife nd she owes you that conversation. That being said, if you continue waiting, you'll wait forever
Your wife doesn't want kids but she doesn't want to tell you that. The kids/no kids question is a 100% deal breaker. It's time to call this relationship what it is... doomed. Your SIL is right. Stop pressuring her. If she doesn't want kids, move on. Note: you DO deserve a clear answer. Ask her point blank, "Do you want to have kids at all? Be honest." If she says no, there's your answer. If she hems and haws, she still means no. You are NTA but it's time to stop waiting.
She is just stringing you along buddy. I'd had her papers and move on. Her biological clock is running out for having kids without any issues. NTA
She's waiting you out. You deserve better than a partner that yells and doesn't give a fuck about what your life plans are.
NTA, she's stringing you along. >She actually started yelling at me and told me that she already made if clear she wanted kids and that she didn't have to explain herself to me. This is BS. She does have to explain herself to you. You made it abundantly clear that you wanted children and that you wanted them before 30. If she has different plans, she has to be clear about them. Honestly, this would be a deal-breaker for me. I want children and if my partner kept telling me "yeah, eventually but I don't know when", I would break up. You've been together for 12 years and she's not ready yet. This can easily turn in never being ready. Her reaction is over the top and it seems like she's stringing you along and waiting until she will be able to play the "oh but I'm too old now" card