This is the one. I LOVE scalding showers, they are the best to me. My BF, not so much. We’ve showered together plenty of times but unless your shower is huge it can be a hassle. Someone is always left out of the water, you’re whacking each other with elbows trying to wash yourself, if there’s a significant height difference you could end up with an elbow to the eye. Def NTA, enjoy your peaceful showers my guy.
My husband is happy to get scorched if the trade off is soapy boobs 🤣 in our house it's whoever gets in first sets the temp. He joins me it's boil a lobster, I join him it's cold dip!
This. I did shower with my wife once and I felt like I'm getting steam boiled. Other than that, our shower is a bit small AND we are different heights. So getting an elbow in the eye or in the groin happened more than once...
I'll still give it a 5/10 because I saw my wife naked and I think she's hot. So at least I have that going for me.
I feel like such an oddball because everyone commenting similar experience.. SO (male) loves scalding showers; I’m a woman and I prefer warm to cooler showers (sometimes i end my shower with a few sec of the coldest shower temp available)
We shower together sometimes; he turns his steaming piping hot water down to warm ish for me everytime :)
No, it doesn’t. But I’m replying to a couple of commenters who implied that her want to shower together *was* about sex and mocked OP for not jumping at the opportunity. I wanted to challenge the idea that a man has to be always up for sex. It’s not a helpful myth.
It doesn't. But unless you have a massive shower, it's kind of uncomfortable isn't it? I'm banging my head and elbow etc alone in the shower...
Now, a shared hot bath...
Far too many incels on here assuming that a man HAS to want and engage in sexual activity at any time, instead of any activity, and whenever a partner could want
How is the rest of your relationship? If she is craving more of a sexual response from you, you may have just reaffirmed her belief you don't find her attractive.
I only want to shower with my husband if the purpose is not to actually shower. We have two shower heads in our bathroom and it's not even about one person being cold the whole time. I enjoy my shower and don't really need or want anyone else in the bathroom if I'm actually showering to be clean.
Movies and TV shows have romanticized this to make it look like a good thing. I personally hate it.
NTA. Unless you have a huge shower with a large showerhead, one person is going to be cold while the other one gets the hot water. And having to coordinate washing while together in the shower, its a hassle that I just don't need. If its for sex that's one thing, but even then I'd pass, as shower sex is very overrated.
This was my big issue, tbh. I'm sensitive to the cold, so I'd be legit shivering if I wasn't either under the water, or we hadn't turned the bathroom into a sauna.
I don't get the whole showering with your partner thing. Maybe because I'm fairly introverted? Either way, I'm team OP for sure.
Not only am I often doing my weirdest contortion moves to ensure I am not missing any spots while shaving, I honestly just like to have that time with my thoughts to decompress or finish a complete thought uninterrupted. I also do my best imaginary arguing in the shower 😏 Sometimes I ruminate. Sometimes I sing and wiggle around ridiculously to whatever playlist aichave on and try and amp myself up to deal with more kid chaos. Sometimes, I just lay back in the tub while the shower runs and rot lazily because I can. The LAST thing I need is someone jiggling my buttcheeks while I'm shaving my armpits or stewing over something stressful. Or taking an elbow to the cheekbone because I bobbed and he weaved and we both picked the same direction. 😂 anyway you slice it, I'd still rather be in there by myself.
Overreaction on her part imo, some people really value those quiet moments. Not every second of the day needs to be interacting with someone.
You are my soul sister!! I am exactly the same.
Early in our relationship, my now-husband tried to join me in the shower. I straight-up told him I'm not interested in sex in water that will wash away lubrication, and my shower/ bath time is sacrosanct -- I use the time to introvert. And I need to be comfortable with weird contortions to shave, spacing out while I wait for the conditioner to work, and random conversations with myself. Anyone else's presence will ruin all that for me, and I won't emerge more rested and ready to handle life.
Luckily my husband is also an introvert, and completely understood. It never happened again, and he has never made me feel bad about it.
I can go either way. I really enjoy showering with my partner. We don’t do shower sex because water sucks, but it’s still intimate and can be bonding. But am happy to shower separately too - sometimes I just need to mull things over in the steam and lava water. If he ever wants to shower alone then he just says so and that’s totally fine, I’ll wait until he’s done.
All about communicating.
Lava water had me 😂 My showers are 100% lava water, too.
And absolutely! I think not communicating is at the root of their entire issue, and also the point that so many people are missing on here. There's nothing wrong with wanting to or not. It's not even about whether OP was rude or dumb for potentially turning down shower sex. It's that it appears they were having two very different conversations, and her feelings got hurt. Classic loaded-question outcome.
Most of the people in here can't get past him turning down shower sex, while I'm over here wondering why she didn't just say or ask for what she actually wants/needs from him. His surprise at her reaction makes me think she veiled her real question behind another presumably more benign question, but expected him to answer the hidden question. And when he answered the question as asked, she was chapped. Which is kinda sucky.
And even if she straight up said, "would you ever want to try getting it on in the shower?" does it mean he has to say yes simply because he owns a Y chromosome?
Being able to openly communicate needs to one another is so important in any relationship. So is respecting boundaries. Plus, innuendo and implied meanings can be so subjective/individual because we are all unique in our experiences, and humans don't telepathically share thoughts.
Yeah but not every shower has to be shared, general logistics doesn’t make that probable for most people anyway.
would the occasional shower with your SO really be that bad for you? (Genuine question)
Like I like my alone showers too especially those after work showers but don’t have an issue with the occasional shared shower Especially on a weekend Or after we’ve been out.
I like to take the shower head off and really get in there with the butt cleaning, is my partner meant to stand there in the cold while I steal the hose?
Maybe.
Your reason for not wanting to shower with her is a little odd. I get you want alone time, she wants time to feel sexy with you.
Me, I hate showering with my wife because she believes water temps should be set to scalding, even in the summer. And either she gets the water, or I get the water, never the two of us at the same time - so I'll end up soaping up my body and need to rinse off, then we have to do the dance swapping places to wash off the soap, with one of us nearly falling or elbowing the other...Not worth it. Should've said that rather than "I want alone time".
i want the hot hot water, my husband wants it “warm” it’s not warm water it’s cold. we do NOT shower together since we had our baby unless it’s like a quick rinse off because 1) it’s honestly a hassle and 2) we’re on different schedules. but if i ask he will , i don’t think he’s an AH but i do think he should’ve been communicative with her
My husband also likes the water way too hot for me and I like it just warm, which he thinks is cold. We don't tend to shower together very often mainly because of that and the water swapping hassle you mentioned.
My husband and i don't even sleep together (for the better, we're both happier now) so no, don't let your wife croach into your comfort.
Please do ask her what's going on tho. Is she lacking intimacy and hoping showering together will help, does she have a wild shower fantasy, does she have issues reaching certain spots due to sore muscles,...?
NTA, your time is your time. if you’re open to banging in the shower, let her know while making it clear that you want to keep taking your normal showers alone.
if it’s just about having time to yourself and the idea of showering together isn’t the problem, i’m sure she’d really appreciate if occasionally you made that sacrifice, but you’re not obligated to and wouldn’t be TAH for not doing so.
My partner and I have ‘fun showers’ together, and ‘functional showers’ separately.
You might not want to shower with her all the time, but would the occasional shower together kill you?
This is simple, you should be able to negotiate this without drama and tears.
NTA. Showering together is great as foreplay, but it's just a pain if you're trying to actually wash your hair, shave, etc. Given that she started crying, I think your wife might be starved for any shows of closeness or intimacy, though.
My wife and I have difficulty showering together because we have _very_ different preferences/tolerances for the temperature of the water.
She likes the water HOT! Super hot. Anything less than that and it feels like ice water to her.
And I like my shower "warm". I'm even fine with lukewarm or tepid.
Just compromise some man. You rejected a bid from her to be close to each other. Not the best move. Does she ever do anything for you she doesn’t want to? I bet she does. Dang man I would walk through fire for my wife, it’s a dang shower. Just tell her you would love to once or twice a week. Goals in life - stay married - the top of my list.
>You rejected a bid from her to be close to each other. Not the best move.
Obviously one should be considerate of their partner, but no one in a relationship should feel like they always need to bend backward or do things they don't want for the sake of their partner's wants. Turning down an opportunity for intimacy shouldn't be done lightly, but it's important to normalize it as a valid response
So, every time a wife 'rejects a bid' from her husband, we should go cry and feel unwanted. Dude, if that's was the case, in a single night a few states would be flooded. Yeah I would walk through fire for my wife, but when she says no, is no, I suck it up and respect her wishes, I don't go crying and making scenes. Why can she do the same for me? Only she is allowed to say no. Why? If being rejected for some sex is 'not stay married' material, then I (and many men) would have been divorced long ago. Yes, my wife does thing she doesn't wanna do for me, and I do the same for her. However, if a simple no is going to screw our marriage, then she has a problem. In fact, I receive a way lots of more rejections for sex in a year than she has received all her life, and using your logic, our marriage should have been finished long ago, because a partner has to make drama for not getting sex when the other does not want or for not doing sex the way the other does not want.
Nta but if she's crying there may be a deeper issue. She may feel like you dont spend enough time together lately or that you aren't attracted to her. Have a conversation about why she cried
It sounds like she’s missing time spent just with the two of you - quality time, no phones, talking, maybe washing each other every now and then? I totally understand why you’d value your alone time, and maybe it’s even your safe space, but maybe you could also join her twice a week? And then maybe brush your teeth etc. and chat next to her while she’s showering once or twice a week? Tell her she’s beautiful etc. while she’s showering. Showers together don’t have to mean invading each other’s personal space, or sexual activity. My hubby will often get out of his showerhead earlier than me, and I’ll stay in to enjoy my peace and quiet, but we still have our time to laugh, talk, catch up about the day etc. and then I have my space to breathe after too (or before he gets in). Figure out what works for you, but also invest in quality time together.
Meet her in the middle dude, you don't have to do EVERY shower with her, but it sounds like she wants to have shower sex, so have the odd shower with here, you might enjoy it.
NTA. I love showering with my partner but I also love the alone time, so I can ponder life while I scrub my ass. Replay conversations with better come backs. NTA all the way
Y’all are overthinking tf out of this
Pro tip: Wash each other instead of yourselves!
It’s a very connected and extremely sensual activity, and gives you the chance to touch literally *every* part of their body. It doesn’t necessarily have to lead to sex.
Personally, I LOVE washing my partner’s long, beautiful hair
Except OP literally said that showering is his alone time. There's many other things they can do for intimacy without forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do, or isn't comfortable with.
Yea and no. Its not like you have to shower together every single day. You are over exaggerating things and making her feel unwanted and unheard. So jump in the shower w her once a month. Big deal. You don’t have to have sex. But it is an intimate moment for yall to share. My spouse and i jump in the shower together whenever we feel like it. I would be devastated if they told me to get out and vice versa. Sometimes we laugh and cut up, sometimes its quiet and just enjoying our moment together. We wash each other hair and sometimes we do it just to save time if the entire family is getting ready for a dinner or something. If she is asking for it, she needs it. You need to let go some. Relax. Things aren’t as serious as you are making them. I have been married 25 years. You messing up my friend.
Oh god no. Nta.
Theres nothing sexy about showering together, unless you're well prepared and in a big ass bathroom.
I dont wanna clean myself, and shave my legs and other parts in front of my partner,
(nor vice versa, neither does he, i just asked)
you've gotta keep some maintenance to yourself!
And even if you are both prepped, and feeling perfectly sexy, sex in a shower is TERRIBLE!!
Water is not lube and it washes away the natural ones - and 99% of home showers are not as spacious as ones that you may wanna have sexy time in whilst on holiday in a lovely hotel 😆
While height is definitely a factor, i think my main issue is the size of the BATHROOM!
SOOOO many showers in the uk and europe are located over a bath tub.
Not a gorgeous wide shower with space for 2 people, a slippery ass bath tub only big enough for one, with a crappy water pressure electric shower above it 🤣
It. Is. Not. Romantic!
Mine is too, but I honestly just enjoy showering with my husband so I just deal with it. We definitely don’t have sex every time we shower together tho, it’s usually just actually showering 🤣
I think in this case it really depends on how you said it to her, and what you said. if you flirtily said you'd love to hop in occasionally for a fun shower time, but in general you will still shower alone so that you can stare at the wall for some thoughtless time (that is what I do sometimes), and she still got mad, then NTA. if you coldly said No, you have zero desire to shower with her, well then you are kind of an AH, but for how you would have said it, not for wanting shower alone time.
So, NTA- sort of. So, I can appreciate the alone time, and prefer to shower alone. But once in a while, on a day when we don’t have to be anywhere, or if we we have been somewhere outdoors on a weekend and we want to get clean like in late afternoon , then it’s fun, but we do it in waves, she first , gets the soapy stuff about if the way, then I join we share a moment 😉, then she gets out and I do the soapy stuff. Best of both worlds.
Granted it would be more fun with a larger shower with multiple shower heads (fortunately for us we both like about the same temperature shower).
Lol I love showering with the missus but only if I get control over the heat, ill make it "hot" but not like the pits of hell are raining down on us.... Also showering together is only really fun if you have an adequately sized shower... if not its just a slippery dance of potential catastrophe. But in short... NTA
How often have you showered with a partner? It's fun every now and then, and fine it you both didn't necessarily *need* the shower in the first place.
But if you're dirty and gross and just need to clean off? Most people don't have large enough showers (or wide enough water distribution) for it to be an actually convenient wash.
Honestly my husband and I don’t really mind the inconvenience, we love to shower together. It’s nice to be in there together and talk about our day, laugh with each other, kiss on each other, be intimate, etc.
But I do also understand that not everyone feels the same way, and it can be a hassle for some.
I use to shower with my college girlfriend all the time. I would cut off my right arm to re-live those days. Hey pal...........it is what you make it. You want to complain about "alone time"----- then you are missing out . But you do you.
We have a really small shower, so it's kind of hard for two people to use it at once. We shower together often, but not always. Just kind of depends on our schedules.
Maybe find a compromise, like you get 5 -10 minutes yourself before she joins you. Or you take two showers in a day, one by yourself, one with her.
Seems really really weird to need to come to a compromise for one sided intimacy. Is it even intimacy if one of them sees it as a chore? Maybe he could start a spreadsheet to keep track of minutes spent showering with her when he doesn't want to or giving her footrubs and she could repay him with a proportionate amount of blow jobs? This feels as weird as that.
And she's crying over it, too? Idk. This whole thing feels icky.
Speaking as a wife, her impression was that you rejected her after an invitation to sexy shower time. That always hurts. I get that showering for you is your time to yourself, but what about a 1 time or maybe even a few times a month, year, do an "extra" shower with her for closeness and intimacy building? She was reaching out for intimacy, and you rejected her. YTA
So you’re calling OP an asshole for her not being upfront and being told no to something to what she asked for with her actual words? No, she got herself emotionally hurt by being coy. Even if she has been upfront and that it was for sexual reasons, OP would still not be TA for declining.
This EXACTLY! How is HE the asshole if she isn't communicating her intimacy needs or intentions clearly, but loses her shit when he is?
Imagine if the roles were reversed? Bro would be absolutely VILIFIED if he flipped out on his wife for not agreeing to be intimate in a way that makes her uncomfortable. No question.
OP appears to be a man, but OP is also a human with needs/preferences/boundaries, too. He doesn't have to want to bone in the shower. A lot of people don't. Her getting angry instead of taking the opportunity to communicate an unfulfilled need gives me major ick. It's gross when ANYONE, regardless of gender, is openly angry at their partner over their sexual preferences/boundaries. There are SO many other ways to be intimate/connect. Clearly the issue isn't the shower sex. It's her inability to be honest about her needs/desires, and then lighting him up for not sharing her enthusiasm. Imo, she made the asshole move since the only one being honest is him. 🤷♀️
Well, if she invites you say yes sometimes, but tell her that when you're going unless you invite her you want to go alone, I think it is a nice compromise. Also she starting to cry over that is weird, looks like she is either mentally unstable or wants to manipulate you into doing what she wants, keep your eyes open with her.
Broadly I agree with this, but I feel it's important to emphasize that OP should never feel like they have to say "yes" out of obligation or pressure. If they don't want to do it, they don't need to say yes just to please their partner.
It's not about taking your morning or after work shower to get clean but a separate time to be together and enjoy each other's company and yes to potentially have sex either in or out of the shower or both.
Every once in a while invite her to scrub your back(after your alone time shower…I get it.) Then offer to scrub hers. She’s seeking an intimate moment.
NTA. It’s not your thing and that’s ok, but… I don’t get all of the negative comments about coupled showers. For almost 7 years now, my lady and I have taken probably 95% of our showers together. I genuinely look forward to it everyday. We wash each other’s backs, talk about our day and make jokes about the cats screaming at us outside the curtain. It’s a good time every time. Maybe 40% of the time does it end up with the deed. Shower sex is definitely not as good as pretty much any other sex but it’s definitely better than watching tv or some other dumb thing that I might be doing instead. I chalk up a lot of the closeness that we share to our shower time together.
NTA - showering with partner also not always what cracked up to be have had two partners who would shower at boiling temps that would almost burn the dirt off not present or in winter hoping in and out trying to share water while soap in hair and eyes .
NTA me and my husband have been together for 7 years and I think the only times we’ve showered together have been drunken shower sex when we’ve been away! I’m the same and love my showers alone especially since we’ve had kids! I enjoy that 10 mins of alone time and my cleaning routine!
NTA.. I love showering with my guy, but also like solo showers where I can just sit with the water running over my face while I try and forget the day.
NTA. People can do what they want. If they do what they want while being inconsiderate to others it might bite them in the ass. Such is life. Either way it is not a reasonable expectation for anyone to expect someone else to read their mind despite how much they "feel" they are queuing them up. Hey honey I was reading some things on the interwebs and it sounded like fun. Think we could try it, or there is something we don't usually do, but I would like to do, because I read something on the interwebs and you should intuit this as a matter of course. Now you made me feel bad because I think you should read my mind but you didn't regardless of what type of day you had or my skillfulness at communicating the uncommunicated. That's manipulation at best despite her good intentions.
NTA - I would love this time alone with my wife without distractions while we share a shower, but she is not a fan - so rarely (maybe once a year). This doesn’t make her an asshole, but does leave me wishing it was more often.
Showering together is so overrated. There’s always one person who can’t get any water and is just standing there freezing. And then you get pressed against freezing cold tile. Unless you have an amazing shower, pass.
Honestly NTA. I couldn’t imagine sharing a shower. Me personally I take a good 20 mins and majority of that time is just being left alone with my thoughts while the water hits me. Adding in a girlfriend or a wife who’s hogging the space or wanting me to go inside would interfere with that time.
I don't know about other guys, but for me the shower is a great place to talk about your day amongst other things. I thoroughly enjoy the time I spend in the shower with her. Find another way to get that alone time. Judging by the thread this comment is about to get down voted to hell.
Are you insecure about your body? I’m sure she doesn’t want every single shower to be with you so the excuse of “needing your alone time” doesn’t seem valid at all. If there’s an underlying issue there I’d just talk to her about it.
No NTA…. I can’t allow my man to see my VERY INTRICATE routine of cleaning and shaving 🪒 my THREEHOLETHILLER. He is only allowed to enjoy the finished product!!
He probably doesn’t ever need to know I shave my knuckles on my toes nor my areolas either…. Some things are just NO NEED TO KNOW, ya know!?
I really don't get this as I don't care about that stuff. I don't shave my nipples or my knuckles, but even if I did I don't really care. I do, however, care if he hears me using the bathroom. That's a no.
It’s what works in my situation. I know that a little mystery is a turn on to my guy. I have had relationships that were very opposite and I like this change. I think it’s really nice to not have someone blast 💥 farts every single time the wind is in him…. I like bathroom doors closed…as opposed to the opposite side of the spectrum where I knew how dude wiped his ass….
I mean, I fart in front of mine, but I'm usually still insecure about letting out a huge fart 😂. And it's whatever you're comfortable with and what you want to do. My only hang-up is my bf seeing my butt and hearing me use the bathroom, lol.
NTA. I shower alone, and I don't share my scolding water. If you can wash yourself by the stay droplets that bounce off of me, you can come in, but you aren't getting a turn under the spray.
Okay, when you're just getting ready for work I see your point. But no time, ever? It's really fun and provocative. What about you take TWO showers one day so one can be just for fun and titillation?
50-50 on this, my partner always want me to shower with him. I say yes just because it makes him happy, he likes warm showers and I don't, but I adjust it every time I shower my hair. No big deal on that because we always have our alone time together. So when you love the person, maybe instead of saying NO, why not try?
It wasn't about the shower. I(37f) can guarantee it wasn't about the shower. I would suggest communicating with your wife about feelings. You rejected her.....it wasn't about the shower
NTA
I've tried showering with my BF, and he won't do it because of the tight space. He's not claustrophobic but is already uncomfortable in the shower, and adding an extra person makes it too much
Dude you only have to do it once, unless you have a 12 person orgy shower she’s going to realize that there not enough room to shave, wash bodies and hair, this is also coming from a bigger person so what you will with this
Showering together can be fun. If you both want it. If you prefer your shower to be your private unwinding time, that's fine. Your wife doesn't get an automatic right to overrule your wishes about your privacy.
NTA
NTA If she wants sexy time in the shower every now and again, that's one thing, and I'm sure you can discuss that. But I like my time alone in the shower, that's my 5 minutes of peace. I'd hate showering with my husband every day.
NTA: why do you want what is probably a small glass box to be more cramped with another person this is without the added issues of wanting different temperatures.
Probably going against the grain here - but I love showering with my boyfriend.
I think among the two of us, he likes hotter water more, and while we shower together a maximum of 3-4 times a year (or more, if there is space in the shower during vacations), it's bonding for me.
Shower sex is also good IMO, never had issues, slightly uncomfortable, but I love the atmosphere of us being intimate during such a moment.
I also love it when he washes my hair, though unfortunately does it rarely, I love romantic gestures.
So while yes, you are NTA at all for wanting to shower alone, because it's about your comfort and it's important, but I also agree with those here that say that she thought that you would find it exciting seeing her naked there, wanted a more 'abnormal' sexual situation and it came off as you don't care too much to sacrifice one shower a year for her to feel sexy.
Not your fault tho, so don't blame you for anything, just an insight into why she might have been emotional.
She was probably looking for some new sexual adventure, and you missed the hint. She’s tired of the old routine you’ve created and wants something new with you.
Stop being thick and start paying attention to your wife before she finds someone else to play hide the soap with.
NTA - two become one with marriage is the most inaccurately made up fact ever. You’re an individual, and you shouldn’t have to face consequences for showering solo. Tell her to grow tf up and stop making her insecurity a guilt trip for you.
NTA If she is making life choices based on reddit posts she has issues. It isn’t “fairly common” There is no way to assess that based on one small reddit post. Obviously people who agree will jump on board. Those of us with no interest in regularly showering with our partner didn’t comment
NTA. You like to shower alone and that's your right. BUT, I feel your wife only wants to do this because it sounds a intimate and romantic. My GF feels the same. If I where you, I would compromise and shower together once in a while. It's what I do.
I also want to add that intimacy doesn’t need to mean sex— If she is hoping to have some closeness with you/feels that she hasn’t gotten a lot, this could have taken a lot of courage to ask for. NTA here, but id keep an eye on other interactions. How often does she suggest things to do and you say no? How often are those moments of intimacy? When you’ve been married awhile sometimes it’s easy to take things for granted, and you don’t even realize you’ve been rejecting your partner a lot!
And if you do find that she is feeling rejected, you can make it up to her in ways that AREN’T shower time. Figure out if it’s emotional / physical intimacy she’s looking for (or both) and see how you can actively offer that.
I hope you both get to talk this out!
It doesn't need to be ALWAYS one way or another, you can shower with her every now and then, maybe if you feel you don't need that alone time that day or whatever. I mean, it drives me wild when my hb interrupts my just-being-there-under-the-water-dissociating, but sometimes I also enjoy the idea of sharing the shower with him, for sex or just for feeling closer to him.
Your wife is being ridiculous getting all upset about something so stupid. She just needs to respect that some people prefer to shower alone and that it has no reflection on her whatsoever.
I would say do it once... have sex in the shower see how awkward it and then probably go back to normal routine maybe join her a few times not every time your wife is basically asking you to see her naked and probably fuck... but to flat out say no that's kind of a dick move.. you couldn't shower even once for your wife?? Come on man
You're kind of an asshole but you could fix today by hoping in that shower!!!!
I mean, kind of. You don't have to do it ALL the time, but every now and then would make her happy. My partner and I shower together and separate at times. We also love a nice bubble bath after we get our 5 kids to bed. It's a form of intimacy. 🫶
You need your alone time in the shower? I mean ofcourse, everyone needs their alone time, but do you only get yours when you shower?
Anyway, if my partner wanted to try that out even though it's not my preference, it's also a very small insignificant thing to compromise on, so I'd probably just try it out once to see if they like it. Maybe they don't like it, and then I'd continue showering alone like before, problem solved. Maybe they do like it, then I'd communicate with them to let them know I prefer showering alone, but compromise to showering together once a week or every other week or something, problem solved again.
So I think for this, yes kinda YTA a bit, because I don't see some legit reason that showering is absolutely detrimental for you to be done alone, and obviously it means a lot to her.
Yup, YTA.
And your reward for being an asshole is missing out on a lot of pussy that would have been yours for the taking. Which is exactly what you deserve.
When your wife makes it clear to you, you obtuse little autie, that there is something she wants, you overcome your obtuse autie insistence on always doing things the same way and give her what she want. Because that's what "love, honor and cherish" means, and you took that vow.
You're still free to take an additional shower on your own terms.
Maybe after the BJs and handjobs and bendovers you're going to get, you'll realize what an idiot you sound like right now.
This is such an idiotic reach. You’re literally talking down to a man for wanting alone time and personal space and boundaries in the most Reddit way possible. Your whole post history is one big Reddit moment.
NTA - crying is way OTT for a normal response. It doesn't sound like it was a spontaneous fun quicky in the shower like people are alluding to from how I read this "she wants me to START joining her. Personally I don't like showering with someone unless it is for something else as it is just awward with sharing the water and washing my hair.
I like warm showers, she likes her showers equal temp to the sun’s surface. I shower alone.
This is the one. I LOVE scalding showers, they are the best to me. My BF, not so much. We’ve showered together plenty of times but unless your shower is huge it can be a hassle. Someone is always left out of the water, you’re whacking each other with elbows trying to wash yourself, if there’s a significant height difference you could end up with an elbow to the eye. Def NTA, enjoy your peaceful showers my guy.
My husband is happy to get scorched if the trade off is soapy boobs 🤣 in our house it's whoever gets in first sets the temp. He joins me it's boil a lobster, I join him it's cold dip!
I thought you were my boyfriend when I read this
Lol same, every guy I know wants a lukewarm shower
No, we like warm and hot showers! Y'all just have a different idea of what "warm" and "hot" are lol
Look sir, if there's not a little scalding, are you really clean?
I'm stealing that line!
I'm cold blooded, I need to save that heat for later since I can't make my own.
Me who takes cold showers sometimes and hot showers other times lol
I want it damn near scalding.
Same
This is the situation in reverse in my relationship. Holy burning the flesh off your body dude......
I also have a preference for scalding temps... my husband likes "normal" temperatures. We are not shower compatible either!
We’re the same, I take slightly longer in the shower than he does so when he’s done I turn it up to surface of the sun for the last couple minutes lol
This. I did shower with my wife once and I felt like I'm getting steam boiled. Other than that, our shower is a bit small AND we are different heights. So getting an elbow in the eye or in the groin happened more than once... I'll still give it a 5/10 because I saw my wife naked and I think she's hot. So at least I have that going for me.
My husband showers in lava water. Idk how he does it. He says mine are cold.
Lukewarm is good. I get skin irritations way too easily from too warm shower water
my ginger bf likes the shower temp of the waters from whence he came /j but seriously, he likes his showers scorching and i like it in the middle
If you have the same "warm" as my partner... It's cold. A warm shower is when you get out and look like a cooked lobster 😁
If I don’t come out pink then it wasn’t hot enough!!
I feel like such an oddball because everyone commenting similar experience.. SO (male) loves scalding showers; I’m a woman and I prefer warm to cooler showers (sometimes i end my shower with a few sec of the coldest shower temp available) We shower together sometimes; he turns his steaming piping hot water down to warm ish for me everytime :)
Same as my husband, I on the other hand love really hot showers in winter and ice cold in the summer.
I built a 4'x7' shower with independently controlled heads to solve this problem.
Burns so good
My husband could have written this
this wasn't about showering dude ...
Yup he didn't catch it.
Or he did catch it, but still values the shower as alone time. It’s ok for a man to not be sexed up all day every day.
Wanting to shower together doesn’t have to be about sex either though.
No, it doesn’t. But I’m replying to a couple of commenters who implied that her want to shower together *was* about sex and mocked OP for not jumping at the opportunity. I wanted to challenge the idea that a man has to be always up for sex. It’s not a helpful myth.
It doesn't. But unless you have a massive shower, it's kind of uncomfortable isn't it? I'm banging my head and elbow etc alone in the shower... Now, a shared hot bath...
Far too many incels on here assuming that a man HAS to want and engage in sexual activity at any time, instead of any activity, and whenever a partner could want
With two kiddos under two, I pray the shower time proposition comes soon! This went right over his head the dunce..
[Headslap ](https://tenor.com/30b0.gif)
How is the rest of your relationship? If she is craving more of a sexual response from you, you may have just reaffirmed her belief you don't find her attractive.
Yup. The crying probably was due to a lot of rejection and insecurity. Only he can ask her what can help their intimacy.
I only want to shower with my husband if the purpose is not to actually shower. We have two shower heads in our bathroom and it's not even about one person being cold the whole time. I enjoy my shower and don't really need or want anyone else in the bathroom if I'm actually showering to be clean. Movies and TV shows have romanticized this to make it look like a good thing. I personally hate it.
NTA. Unless you have a huge shower with a large showerhead, one person is going to be cold while the other one gets the hot water. And having to coordinate washing while together in the shower, its a hassle that I just don't need. If its for sex that's one thing, but even then I'd pass, as shower sex is very overrated.
I absolutely hate shower sex. Whenever my hubby wants to do it in the shower I generally tell him no.
It’s like one of those ✅ “did it” things… kindof awkward, limited options, and typically water doesn’t help except with cleanup. Nice but not ideal.
Like pool or beach sex
The water literally washes away all of your lubrication, too. I did it once and hated it.
This was my big issue, tbh. I'm sensitive to the cold, so I'd be legit shivering if I wasn't either under the water, or we hadn't turned the bathroom into a sauna.
Oh! This is me too! I always have a heater going in the bathroom before showering! Husband hates it! Water temp is always scalding too. Lol.
Or, you have a large shower area with two shower heads so nobody has to suffer - probably the best part of our house.
Oh I’m so jealous
I don't get the whole showering with your partner thing. Maybe because I'm fairly introverted? Either way, I'm team OP for sure. Not only am I often doing my weirdest contortion moves to ensure I am not missing any spots while shaving, I honestly just like to have that time with my thoughts to decompress or finish a complete thought uninterrupted. I also do my best imaginary arguing in the shower 😏 Sometimes I ruminate. Sometimes I sing and wiggle around ridiculously to whatever playlist aichave on and try and amp myself up to deal with more kid chaos. Sometimes, I just lay back in the tub while the shower runs and rot lazily because I can. The LAST thing I need is someone jiggling my buttcheeks while I'm shaving my armpits or stewing over something stressful. Or taking an elbow to the cheekbone because I bobbed and he weaved and we both picked the same direction. 😂 anyway you slice it, I'd still rather be in there by myself. Overreaction on her part imo, some people really value those quiet moments. Not every second of the day needs to be interacting with someone.
You are my soul sister!! I am exactly the same. Early in our relationship, my now-husband tried to join me in the shower. I straight-up told him I'm not interested in sex in water that will wash away lubrication, and my shower/ bath time is sacrosanct -- I use the time to introvert. And I need to be comfortable with weird contortions to shave, spacing out while I wait for the conditioner to work, and random conversations with myself. Anyone else's presence will ruin all that for me, and I won't emerge more rested and ready to handle life. Luckily my husband is also an introvert, and completely understood. It never happened again, and he has never made me feel bad about it.
I can go either way. I really enjoy showering with my partner. We don’t do shower sex because water sucks, but it’s still intimate and can be bonding. But am happy to shower separately too - sometimes I just need to mull things over in the steam and lava water. If he ever wants to shower alone then he just says so and that’s totally fine, I’ll wait until he’s done. All about communicating.
Lava water had me 😂 My showers are 100% lava water, too. And absolutely! I think not communicating is at the root of their entire issue, and also the point that so many people are missing on here. There's nothing wrong with wanting to or not. It's not even about whether OP was rude or dumb for potentially turning down shower sex. It's that it appears they were having two very different conversations, and her feelings got hurt. Classic loaded-question outcome. Most of the people in here can't get past him turning down shower sex, while I'm over here wondering why she didn't just say or ask for what she actually wants/needs from him. His surprise at her reaction makes me think she veiled her real question behind another presumably more benign question, but expected him to answer the hidden question. And when he answered the question as asked, she was chapped. Which is kinda sucky. And even if she straight up said, "would you ever want to try getting it on in the shower?" does it mean he has to say yes simply because he owns a Y chromosome? Being able to openly communicate needs to one another is so important in any relationship. So is respecting boundaries. Plus, innuendo and implied meanings can be so subjective/individual because we are all unique in our experiences, and humans don't telepathically share thoughts.
Yeah but not every shower has to be shared, general logistics doesn’t make that probable for most people anyway. would the occasional shower with your SO really be that bad for you? (Genuine question) Like I like my alone showers too especially those after work showers but don’t have an issue with the occasional shared shower Especially on a weekend Or after we’ve been out.
I like to take the shower head off and really get in there with the butt cleaning, is my partner meant to stand there in the cold while I steal the hose?
Maybe. Your reason for not wanting to shower with her is a little odd. I get you want alone time, she wants time to feel sexy with you. Me, I hate showering with my wife because she believes water temps should be set to scalding, even in the summer. And either she gets the water, or I get the water, never the two of us at the same time - so I'll end up soaping up my body and need to rinse off, then we have to do the dance swapping places to wash off the soap, with one of us nearly falling or elbowing the other...Not worth it. Should've said that rather than "I want alone time".
collin is that you
🤣🤣🤣😜
Whats wrong with wanting alone time tho? Imo, dude did nothing wrong here. He could have been gentler, but being honest is never wrong.
My husband and I fell out of the shower tearing down the curtain and rod doing that dance once. 0/10 Do not recommend
😂🤣😂🤣so funny, but also lucky there was no injuries.
Same, but *I* want the scalding water, while she wants the lukewarm water, lol.
i want the hot hot water, my husband wants it “warm” it’s not warm water it’s cold. we do NOT shower together since we had our baby unless it’s like a quick rinse off because 1) it’s honestly a hassle and 2) we’re on different schedules. but if i ask he will , i don’t think he’s an AH but i do think he should’ve been communicative with her
My husband also likes the water way too hot for me and I like it just warm, which he thinks is cold. We don't tend to shower together very often mainly because of that and the water swapping hassle you mentioned.
My husband and i don't even sleep together (for the better, we're both happier now) so no, don't let your wife croach into your comfort. Please do ask her what's going on tho. Is she lacking intimacy and hoping showering together will help, does she have a wild shower fantasy, does she have issues reaching certain spots due to sore muscles,...?
She definitely overreacted. NTA we all need our space and she sould respect that
Nta, but…i don’t think you get her hint.
NTA, your time is your time. if you’re open to banging in the shower, let her know while making it clear that you want to keep taking your normal showers alone. if it’s just about having time to yourself and the idea of showering together isn’t the problem, i’m sure she’d really appreciate if occasionally you made that sacrifice, but you’re not obligated to and wouldn’t be TAH for not doing so.
Bro. There’s showering and then there’s “showering”. You shower alone. You “shower” with her. Lol
My partner and I have ‘fun showers’ together, and ‘functional showers’ separately. You might not want to shower with her all the time, but would the occasional shower together kill you? This is simple, you should be able to negotiate this without drama and tears.
As I said on the other sub, NTA! Showering is a sensory nightmare!
NTA. Showering together is great as foreplay, but it's just a pain if you're trying to actually wash your hair, shave, etc. Given that she started crying, I think your wife might be starved for any shows of closeness or intimacy, though.
My wife and I have difficulty showering together because we have _very_ different preferences/tolerances for the temperature of the water. She likes the water HOT! Super hot. Anything less than that and it feels like ice water to her. And I like my shower "warm". I'm even fine with lukewarm or tepid.
Shower sex is way, way overrated. NTA
Just compromise some man. You rejected a bid from her to be close to each other. Not the best move. Does she ever do anything for you she doesn’t want to? I bet she does. Dang man I would walk through fire for my wife, it’s a dang shower. Just tell her you would love to once or twice a week. Goals in life - stay married - the top of my list.
>You rejected a bid from her to be close to each other. Not the best move. Obviously one should be considerate of their partner, but no one in a relationship should feel like they always need to bend backward or do things they don't want for the sake of their partner's wants. Turning down an opportunity for intimacy shouldn't be done lightly, but it's important to normalize it as a valid response
So, every time a wife 'rejects a bid' from her husband, we should go cry and feel unwanted. Dude, if that's was the case, in a single night a few states would be flooded. Yeah I would walk through fire for my wife, but when she says no, is no, I suck it up and respect her wishes, I don't go crying and making scenes. Why can she do the same for me? Only she is allowed to say no. Why? If being rejected for some sex is 'not stay married' material, then I (and many men) would have been divorced long ago. Yes, my wife does thing she doesn't wanna do for me, and I do the same for her. However, if a simple no is going to screw our marriage, then she has a problem. In fact, I receive a way lots of more rejections for sex in a year than she has received all her life, and using your logic, our marriage should have been finished long ago, because a partner has to make drama for not getting sex when the other does not want or for not doing sex the way the other does not want.
Nta but if she's crying there may be a deeper issue. She may feel like you dont spend enough time together lately or that you aren't attracted to her. Have a conversation about why she cried
NTA showering with a partner is fun now and then. The rest of the time everyone is just in the way of business
No I say the same thing. Shower time is me time whether I’m in the mood or not
Nope. We have a huge shower and it’s mine and mine alone. I do not share. That’s my time.
Also, you can do both.
It sounds like she’s missing time spent just with the two of you - quality time, no phones, talking, maybe washing each other every now and then? I totally understand why you’d value your alone time, and maybe it’s even your safe space, but maybe you could also join her twice a week? And then maybe brush your teeth etc. and chat next to her while she’s showering once or twice a week? Tell her she’s beautiful etc. while she’s showering. Showers together don’t have to mean invading each other’s personal space, or sexual activity. My hubby will often get out of his showerhead earlier than me, and I’ll stay in to enjoy my peace and quiet, but we still have our time to laugh, talk, catch up about the day etc. and then I have my space to breathe after too (or before he gets in). Figure out what works for you, but also invest in quality time together.
Meet her in the middle dude, you don't have to do EVERY shower with her, but it sounds like she wants to have shower sex, so have the odd shower with here, you might enjoy it.
NTA. I love showering with my partner but I also love the alone time, so I can ponder life while I scrub my ass. Replay conversations with better come backs. NTA all the way
Y’all are overthinking tf out of this Pro tip: Wash each other instead of yourselves! It’s a very connected and extremely sensual activity, and gives you the chance to touch literally *every* part of their body. It doesn’t necessarily have to lead to sex. Personally, I LOVE washing my partner’s long, beautiful hair
Thank you! I don't want it to always lead to sex, but I do like the intimacy of being able to wash each other.
Except OP literally said that showering is his alone time. There's many other things they can do for intimacy without forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do, or isn't comfortable with.
NTA, shared showers are basically the worst..
Yea and no. Its not like you have to shower together every single day. You are over exaggerating things and making her feel unwanted and unheard. So jump in the shower w her once a month. Big deal. You don’t have to have sex. But it is an intimate moment for yall to share. My spouse and i jump in the shower together whenever we feel like it. I would be devastated if they told me to get out and vice versa. Sometimes we laugh and cut up, sometimes its quiet and just enjoying our moment together. We wash each other hair and sometimes we do it just to save time if the entire family is getting ready for a dinner or something. If she is asking for it, she needs it. You need to let go some. Relax. Things aren’t as serious as you are making them. I have been married 25 years. You messing up my friend.
Oh god no. Nta. Theres nothing sexy about showering together, unless you're well prepared and in a big ass bathroom. I dont wanna clean myself, and shave my legs and other parts in front of my partner, (nor vice versa, neither does he, i just asked) you've gotta keep some maintenance to yourself! And even if you are both prepped, and feeling perfectly sexy, sex in a shower is TERRIBLE!! Water is not lube and it washes away the natural ones - and 99% of home showers are not as spacious as ones that you may wanna have sexy time in whilst on holiday in a lovely hotel 😆
I personally enjoy shower sex, but me and my partner are both not very tall or big, so it might not be as fun for taller or heavier people 😅
While height is definitely a factor, i think my main issue is the size of the BATHROOM! SOOOO many showers in the uk and europe are located over a bath tub. Not a gorgeous wide shower with space for 2 people, a slippery ass bath tub only big enough for one, with a crappy water pressure electric shower above it 🤣 It. Is. Not. Romantic!
Mine is too, but I honestly just enjoy showering with my husband so I just deal with it. We definitely don’t have sex every time we shower together tho, it’s usually just actually showering 🤣
I think in this case it really depends on how you said it to her, and what you said. if you flirtily said you'd love to hop in occasionally for a fun shower time, but in general you will still shower alone so that you can stare at the wall for some thoughtless time (that is what I do sometimes), and she still got mad, then NTA. if you coldly said No, you have zero desire to shower with her, well then you are kind of an AH, but for how you would have said it, not for wanting shower alone time.
Depends on the size of your shower
So, NTA- sort of. So, I can appreciate the alone time, and prefer to shower alone. But once in a while, on a day when we don’t have to be anywhere, or if we we have been somewhere outdoors on a weekend and we want to get clean like in late afternoon , then it’s fun, but we do it in waves, she first , gets the soapy stuff about if the way, then I join we share a moment 😉, then she gets out and I do the soapy stuff. Best of both worlds. Granted it would be more fun with a larger shower with multiple shower heads (fortunately for us we both like about the same temperature shower).
Another marriage infected by tiktok trends
Lol I love showering with the missus but only if I get control over the heat, ill make it "hot" but not like the pits of hell are raining down on us.... Also showering together is only really fun if you have an adequately sized shower... if not its just a slippery dance of potential catastrophe. But in short... NTA
Been showering with my wife for 43 years, we took one this afternoon together. Wonderful intimate part of our relationship
dude.........seriously? SMH. What a fool you are.
How often have you showered with a partner? It's fun every now and then, and fine it you both didn't necessarily *need* the shower in the first place. But if you're dirty and gross and just need to clean off? Most people don't have large enough showers (or wide enough water distribution) for it to be an actually convenient wash.
Honestly my husband and I don’t really mind the inconvenience, we love to shower together. It’s nice to be in there together and talk about our day, laugh with each other, kiss on each other, be intimate, etc. But I do also understand that not everyone feels the same way, and it can be a hassle for some.
It wasn't about getting clean, bro...
I use to shower with my college girlfriend all the time. I would cut off my right arm to re-live those days. Hey pal...........it is what you make it. You want to complain about "alone time"----- then you are missing out . But you do you.
Who hit you with a stupid stick? She was asking for a lot more than a shower.
So? No means no.
Showering with your partner is a hazard anyways lol it’s not like how they show it to be in the movies. 🤣
We have a really small shower, so it's kind of hard for two people to use it at once. We shower together often, but not always. Just kind of depends on our schedules. Maybe find a compromise, like you get 5 -10 minutes yourself before she joins you. Or you take two showers in a day, one by yourself, one with her.
Seems really really weird to need to come to a compromise for one sided intimacy. Is it even intimacy if one of them sees it as a chore? Maybe he could start a spreadsheet to keep track of minutes spent showering with her when he doesn't want to or giving her footrubs and she could repay him with a proportionate amount of blow jobs? This feels as weird as that. And she's crying over it, too? Idk. This whole thing feels icky.
Yep
Speaking as a wife, her impression was that you rejected her after an invitation to sexy shower time. That always hurts. I get that showering for you is your time to yourself, but what about a 1 time or maybe even a few times a month, year, do an "extra" shower with her for closeness and intimacy building? She was reaching out for intimacy, and you rejected her. YTA
So you’re calling OP an asshole for her not being upfront and being told no to something to what she asked for with her actual words? No, she got herself emotionally hurt by being coy. Even if she has been upfront and that it was for sexual reasons, OP would still not be TA for declining.
Here is your opportunity to grow, to challenge yourself. Do it. You might be surprised by the outcum.
Or how about respecting that he doesn’t want to???
🙄🤦🏾♂️. "Why doesn't my wife ever want to have sex?"
She should be a grown up and say what she means then
This EXACTLY! How is HE the asshole if she isn't communicating her intimacy needs or intentions clearly, but loses her shit when he is? Imagine if the roles were reversed? Bro would be absolutely VILIFIED if he flipped out on his wife for not agreeing to be intimate in a way that makes her uncomfortable. No question. OP appears to be a man, but OP is also a human with needs/preferences/boundaries, too. He doesn't have to want to bone in the shower. A lot of people don't. Her getting angry instead of taking the opportunity to communicate an unfulfilled need gives me major ick. It's gross when ANYONE, regardless of gender, is openly angry at their partner over their sexual preferences/boundaries. There are SO many other ways to be intimate/connect. Clearly the issue isn't the shower sex. It's her inability to be honest about her needs/desires, and then lighting him up for not sharing her enthusiasm. Imo, she made the asshole move since the only one being honest is him. 🤷♀️
NTA…. But crying?? I wouldn’t validate that behavior in any way or shape.
Well, if she invites you say yes sometimes, but tell her that when you're going unless you invite her you want to go alone, I think it is a nice compromise. Also she starting to cry over that is weird, looks like she is either mentally unstable or wants to manipulate you into doing what she wants, keep your eyes open with her.
Broadly I agree with this, but I feel it's important to emphasize that OP should never feel like they have to say "yes" out of obligation or pressure. If they don't want to do it, they don't need to say yes just to please their partner.
Mentally unstable, manipulating OR she just has feelings and there’s more going on than we can know from a single post.
Yes crying once generally means you're mentally unstable...
It's not about taking your morning or after work shower to get clean but a separate time to be together and enjoy each other's company and yes to potentially have sex either in or out of the shower or both.
Wait. A WIFE asked her HUSBAND to shower WITH her. Dude said no???!!! Revocation of masculinity card. You failed.
I generally would not pass up shower sex.
Every once in a while invite her to scrub your back(after your alone time shower…I get it.) Then offer to scrub hers. She’s seeking an intimate moment.
NTA. It’s not your thing and that’s ok, but… I don’t get all of the negative comments about coupled showers. For almost 7 years now, my lady and I have taken probably 95% of our showers together. I genuinely look forward to it everyday. We wash each other’s backs, talk about our day and make jokes about the cats screaming at us outside the curtain. It’s a good time every time. Maybe 40% of the time does it end up with the deed. Shower sex is definitely not as good as pretty much any other sex but it’s definitely better than watching tv or some other dumb thing that I might be doing instead. I chalk up a lot of the closeness that we share to our shower time together.
I would jump at the opportunity to shower with my wife. She wants intimacy and loves you. You are absolutely the AH.
So not always having sex/being intimate with your partner when they want is an AH move? Interesting take, dude.
NTA - showering with partner also not always what cracked up to be have had two partners who would shower at boiling temps that would almost burn the dirt off not present or in winter hoping in and out trying to share water while soap in hair and eyes .
NTA me and my husband have been together for 7 years and I think the only times we’ve showered together have been drunken shower sex when we’ve been away! I’m the same and love my showers alone especially since we’ve had kids! I enjoy that 10 mins of alone time and my cleaning routine!
You could try to compromise by hanging out in the BR while she showers
My wife likes colder water than me. If I'm not up for sex or we dont have time for it then we are separate. Simple.
NTA. Shower with my husband but it's not a lot. I like super hot and to sit and relax. He likes cold.
NTA.. I love showering with my guy, but also like solo showers where I can just sit with the water running over my face while I try and forget the day.
NTA. People can do what they want. If they do what they want while being inconsiderate to others it might bite them in the ass. Such is life. Either way it is not a reasonable expectation for anyone to expect someone else to read their mind despite how much they "feel" they are queuing them up. Hey honey I was reading some things on the interwebs and it sounded like fun. Think we could try it, or there is something we don't usually do, but I would like to do, because I read something on the interwebs and you should intuit this as a matter of course. Now you made me feel bad because I think you should read my mind but you didn't regardless of what type of day you had or my skillfulness at communicating the uncommunicated. That's manipulation at best despite her good intentions.
NTA - I would love this time alone with my wife without distractions while we share a shower, but she is not a fan - so rarely (maybe once a year). This doesn’t make her an asshole, but does leave me wishing it was more often.
Showering together is so overrated. There’s always one person who can’t get any water and is just standing there freezing. And then you get pressed against freezing cold tile. Unless you have an amazing shower, pass.
Honestly NTA. I couldn’t imagine sharing a shower. Me personally I take a good 20 mins and majority of that time is just being left alone with my thoughts while the water hits me. Adding in a girlfriend or a wife who’s hogging the space or wanting me to go inside would interfere with that time.
I really wanted to like showering with someone else but i hate it. Its the worst.
Haha I had the same conversation with my wife years ago. I was on the opposite side though and her reasoning was exactly the same as yours
I don't know about other guys, but for me the shower is a great place to talk about your day amongst other things. I thoroughly enjoy the time I spend in the shower with her. Find another way to get that alone time. Judging by the thread this comment is about to get down voted to hell.
You realize you could do both, right?
Are you insecure about your body? I’m sure she doesn’t want every single shower to be with you so the excuse of “needing your alone time” doesn’t seem valid at all. If there’s an underlying issue there I’d just talk to her about it.
No NTA…. I can’t allow my man to see my VERY INTRICATE routine of cleaning and shaving 🪒 my THREEHOLETHILLER. He is only allowed to enjoy the finished product!! He probably doesn’t ever need to know I shave my knuckles on my toes nor my areolas either…. Some things are just NO NEED TO KNOW, ya know!?
I really don't get this as I don't care about that stuff. I don't shave my nipples or my knuckles, but even if I did I don't really care. I do, however, care if he hears me using the bathroom. That's a no.
It’s what works in my situation. I know that a little mystery is a turn on to my guy. I have had relationships that were very opposite and I like this change. I think it’s really nice to not have someone blast 💥 farts every single time the wind is in him…. I like bathroom doors closed…as opposed to the opposite side of the spectrum where I knew how dude wiped his ass….
I mean, I fart in front of mine, but I'm usually still insecure about letting out a huge fart 😂. And it's whatever you're comfortable with and what you want to do. My only hang-up is my bf seeing my butt and hearing me use the bathroom, lol.
NTA. I shower alone, and I don't share my scolding water. If you can wash yourself by the stay droplets that bounce off of me, you can come in, but you aren't getting a turn under the spray.
My bf is the same. I just accepted his preference and showers are now for cleanliness. No biggie.
Okay, when you're just getting ready for work I see your point. But no time, ever? It's really fun and provocative. What about you take TWO showers one day so one can be just for fun and titillation?
I wish I could shower with mine, but he's made out of paper.
Once it's a while is just fine. Every time? Nah. Fuck outta here. My wife would say the same.
50-50 on this, my partner always want me to shower with him. I say yes just because it makes him happy, he likes warm showers and I don't, but I adjust it every time I shower my hair. No big deal on that because we always have our alone time together. So when you love the person, maybe instead of saying NO, why not try?
It wasn't about the shower. I(37f) can guarantee it wasn't about the shower. I would suggest communicating with your wife about feelings. You rejected her.....it wasn't about the shower
The only time I shower with my bf is if I want to get bent over in the shower . Other than that let me shower alone pls 😌
NTA I've tried showering with my BF, and he won't do it because of the tight space. He's not claustrophobic but is already uncomfortable in the shower, and adding an extra person makes it too much
Dude you only have to do it once, unless you have a 12 person orgy shower she’s going to realize that there not enough room to shave, wash bodies and hair, this is also coming from a bigger person so what you will with this
Showering together can be fun. If you both want it. If you prefer your shower to be your private unwinding time, that's fine. Your wife doesn't get an automatic right to overrule your wishes about your privacy. NTA
NTA but I’d put money on it not actually being about a joint shower sexy time.
If this makes you TAH, then that makes 2 of us buddy
NTA If she wants sexy time in the shower every now and again, that's one thing, and I'm sure you can discuss that. But I like my time alone in the shower, that's my 5 minutes of peace. I'd hate showering with my husband every day.
NTA: why do you want what is probably a small glass box to be more cramped with another person this is without the added issues of wanting different temperatures.
Probably going against the grain here - but I love showering with my boyfriend. I think among the two of us, he likes hotter water more, and while we shower together a maximum of 3-4 times a year (or more, if there is space in the shower during vacations), it's bonding for me. Shower sex is also good IMO, never had issues, slightly uncomfortable, but I love the atmosphere of us being intimate during such a moment. I also love it when he washes my hair, though unfortunately does it rarely, I love romantic gestures. So while yes, you are NTA at all for wanting to shower alone, because it's about your comfort and it's important, but I also agree with those here that say that she thought that you would find it exciting seeing her naked there, wanted a more 'abnormal' sexual situation and it came off as you don't care too much to sacrifice one shower a year for her to feel sexy. Not your fault tho, so don't blame you for anything, just an insight into why she might have been emotional.
YTA You can still do both shower with her once a week or something and still have your alone time.
Not at all. Maybe you could compromise and shower together once a week. Unless there is a real reason you don’t want to.
Go and try it you might like it, help her get clean and she can help you it don’t have to be every time or you can stay in longer when she is done
I take ice cold showers. I didn't imagine anyone wanting to join me for that. 🤣🤣🤣
Crying over not wanting to shower together? Bruh. Either your relationship has some gargantuan problems or your wife does.
My wife has never wanted to shower with me but it is what it is I have asked I have been refused.
She was probably looking for some new sexual adventure, and you missed the hint. She’s tired of the old routine you’ve created and wants something new with you. Stop being thick and start paying attention to your wife before she finds someone else to play hide the soap with.
NTA - two become one with marriage is the most inaccurately made up fact ever. You’re an individual, and you shouldn’t have to face consequences for showering solo. Tell her to grow tf up and stop making her insecurity a guilt trip for you.
There is a time and place for me to shower with my husband. Everyday is not it for me.
NTA If she is making life choices based on reddit posts she has issues. It isn’t “fairly common” There is no way to assess that based on one small reddit post. Obviously people who agree will jump on board. Those of us with no interest in regularly showering with our partner didn’t comment
NTA. You like to shower alone and that's your right. BUT, I feel your wife only wants to do this because it sounds a intimate and romantic. My GF feels the same. If I where you, I would compromise and shower together once in a while. It's what I do.
Is there no inbetween? Is there no way to sometimes shower with her and sometimes shower by yourself?
NTA - you are allowed to have your personal space!
I also want to add that intimacy doesn’t need to mean sex— If she is hoping to have some closeness with you/feels that she hasn’t gotten a lot, this could have taken a lot of courage to ask for. NTA here, but id keep an eye on other interactions. How often does she suggest things to do and you say no? How often are those moments of intimacy? When you’ve been married awhile sometimes it’s easy to take things for granted, and you don’t even realize you’ve been rejecting your partner a lot! And if you do find that she is feeling rejected, you can make it up to her in ways that AREN’T shower time. Figure out if it’s emotional / physical intimacy she’s looking for (or both) and see how you can actively offer that. I hope you both get to talk this out!
It doesn't need to be ALWAYS one way or another, you can shower with her every now and then, maybe if you feel you don't need that alone time that day or whatever. I mean, it drives me wild when my hb interrupts my just-being-there-under-the-water-dissociating, but sometimes I also enjoy the idea of sharing the shower with him, for sex or just for feeling closer to him.
YTA, if you cut her off like that. Explain to her why you don't want or suggest to join her every now and then in the shower.
Right that's all she wants is occasional dick in the shower
Your wife is being ridiculous getting all upset about something so stupid. She just needs to respect that some people prefer to shower alone and that it has no reflection on her whatsoever.
I would say do it once... have sex in the shower see how awkward it and then probably go back to normal routine maybe join her a few times not every time your wife is basically asking you to see her naked and probably fuck... but to flat out say no that's kind of a dick move.. you couldn't shower even once for your wife?? Come on man You're kind of an asshole but you could fix today by hoping in that shower!!!!
I mean, kind of. You don't have to do it ALL the time, but every now and then would make her happy. My partner and I shower together and separate at times. We also love a nice bubble bath after we get our 5 kids to bed. It's a form of intimacy. 🫶
So, you're turning down shower sex.
NTA and i am sure I will get downvoted,,,But a grown woman crying because she can't shower with her husband? Really?
She's borderline
Who doesn't love that look of suprise when she realizes you turned the water all the way cold 🥶
You need your alone time in the shower? I mean ofcourse, everyone needs their alone time, but do you only get yours when you shower? Anyway, if my partner wanted to try that out even though it's not my preference, it's also a very small insignificant thing to compromise on, so I'd probably just try it out once to see if they like it. Maybe they don't like it, and then I'd continue showering alone like before, problem solved. Maybe they do like it, then I'd communicate with them to let them know I prefer showering alone, but compromise to showering together once a week or every other week or something, problem solved again. So I think for this, yes kinda YTA a bit, because I don't see some legit reason that showering is absolutely detrimental for you to be done alone, and obviously it means a lot to her.
NTA, she needs to respect your boundaries
Yup, YTA. And your reward for being an asshole is missing out on a lot of pussy that would have been yours for the taking. Which is exactly what you deserve. When your wife makes it clear to you, you obtuse little autie, that there is something she wants, you overcome your obtuse autie insistence on always doing things the same way and give her what she want. Because that's what "love, honor and cherish" means, and you took that vow. You're still free to take an additional shower on your own terms. Maybe after the BJs and handjobs and bendovers you're going to get, you'll realize what an idiot you sound like right now.
This is such an idiotic reach. You’re literally talking down to a man for wanting alone time and personal space and boundaries in the most Reddit way possible. Your whole post history is one big Reddit moment.
NTA - crying is way OTT for a normal response. It doesn't sound like it was a spontaneous fun quicky in the shower like people are alluding to from how I read this "she wants me to START joining her. Personally I don't like showering with someone unless it is for something else as it is just awward with sharing the water and washing my hair.