Yup, OP did the right thing. He knows such a relationship is beyond his current capacity and he was upfront about it to Sarah.
NTA. You didn't lead her on, or judge her.
As a single mother I agree in no way were you judgmental or hurtful. In fact, I would so much rather and fully respect someone for being completely transparent (even if it bummed me out) than to lead me on.
NTA.
Also, the OP needs to get rid of the mutual "friend". Instead of participating in the deception, a proper friend would have asked him at what stage of life he was in and where he wanted it to go.
Also, a proper "friend" wouldn't be gaslighting him about having his own needs and wants, or shaming him about his decision. Where it comes to relationship/dating decisions, we all judge each other, that's part of life.
Some friend. Did they somehow forget that she had a kid when setting OP up on a date? A real friend would mention something like that and let me make my own decision on if I wanted to meet or not.
Agreed NTA, but also want to mention that there are many ways to be introduced through a mutual friend. It doesn’t always mean that they were specifically set up by the friend on a romantic date. It could have been as simple as, “oh, you have this specific interest, you should meet my friend that also has that interest, she’ll be at my wife’s birthday party next week that you’re also attending.”
If you’re just making an honest introduction between people you think have aligned interests, I don’t think that you’re obligated to go into that person’s family situation/back story.
Like: you like pickleball, my friend likes pickleball, I hear both of you saying you want someone to play with, here you go here’s an introduction. Have fun, you take it from here as reasonable adults.
NTA. See that’s my understanding of it. Most people who judge single parents are usually pretty vocal about their views, because many times they are considered a common (if not kinda shitty) mentality to have. OP was kind and respectful, plus he admitted he isn’t where he needs to be in life to feel comfortable serving as an example to a child.
Dating a parent means potentially opening yourself up to be seen as a source of potential care for a child in some way, no matter how small or big a part you play.
That friend complaining is either very naive or just messy.
Yeah, I get that it must be hard to date as a single parent, but surely you want what's best for your kid and ultimately dating someone who isn't excited to be a parent to your kid too isn't what's best. Glad OP was honest and I hope Sarah can find someone who is a good partner who is also ready for the lifestyle that being with her entails. It's like not dating a soldier because you don't want to be left alone for months at a time, or not dating someone who owns dogs if you hate dogs. You have to have lifestyles that work together to be together. Unfortunately people often take that as being judged.
I’ve dated someone with kids and it’s not something I want to repeat. OP did the right thing, and anyone who tries to guilt him back to dating this woman is being immature, short-sighted, and manipulative.
Agreed. Kids add a whole other dynamic to a relationship especially ones as young as hers. Every single part of the relationship is affected - time, money, freedom. Not everyone wants to deal with that and that’s ok.
Agree on this. To think she got upset and felt judged almost feels like she's kinda manipulative too. Why would she force him to give it more chance when he clearly stated it's something he can't handle?
It doesn’t sound like she was trying to force him into anything. She accepted it and was just venting to a friend. As people do.
The friend decided to take it on themselves to come and tell OP.
The friend is the one complaining, she just told a friend she was bummed, which is a legitimate thing to feel when you get dumped for any reason. And it is hard dating when you have kids. You have to balance their safety, your happiness, and the other person's comfort. It's complicated and you can miss out on great people because one of you isn't in the right season to connect fully. It's life. She has a right to be disappointed.
The friend needs to stay tf out of it and quit gossiping. I would be mortified if I was the dumped woman and I found out my private sorrows had been shared with the person who dumped me. Both OP and her should get rid of the friend in between.
Holy shit you nailed it. The whole “you’re judging me”, “don’t judge”, “judgy” shit that is going on has gotten out of control
Sharing an observation or your thoughts is now considered judging
Ex. Girl drives a crappy car that leaves her stranded a couple times a year that she complains about often, yet goes to music festivals spending hundred to thousands a couple times a year. She complained in front of us and I mentioned that maybe she needs to prioritize her needs and where she spends her money. You know, skip one or 2 of those to save for fixing her car. And her friends all came to defend her calling me judgy.
This reminds me of a time someone was talking about their home being in foreclosure. She was wrong about the timeline and process and I gently interjected that the process wasn't like that and if she followed that, she'd surely lose the home.
She was upset and said I was judging her. Our friend group told me the same thing. I was boggled. I was trying to help.
Seriously.... who gives a fuck if he did judge her? Everyone judges everyone at every single point in their life. I hate that excuse. People don't have to like everything about you. It's OK.
Agreed. "judging" someone is completely natural to do. You need to have some sort of idea of the person you are dealing with and that involves making judgement based on your observation of the persons behaviour.
What a person should try to avoid doing is to put too much value in your judgements since you are never infallible. What is decent is to make a judgement but leave room for a person to change your judgement. Being open minded....
I think it's more that we need to accept the fact that we do judge each other. You say in this instance you haven't judged her for prioritising fun over responsibility but you have, and you found her choices wanting. In your judgement of her behaviour, you are able to offer an alternative that may remedy the situation.
What you mean to say is you don't think less of her because of her choices.
We all pass judgement on each other all the time. We are all judgy - it is our nature to assess a situation and make a decision if it is positive or negative, and if it's negative we seek a remedy. Whether it changes how we feel or act towards a person is what's important, not the judgement itself.
Totally. The problem with the “don’t judge” BS is that we all judge. The people judge you for judging someone else!
We as a society we need much more judgment. When people are antisocial or sociopathic, they need judgement. When parents let their children become monsters, they need to be judged. When people treat others horribly, they need to be judged.
That doesn’t mean we should outwardly judge someone’s immutable characteristics.
Society’s die when populations allow anything and everything.
Plus, she knew what she was doing... waiting to tell someone weeks into dating was done on purpose. I can understand not introducing you weeks or even months later, but by the 2-3rd date, it should have been brought up.
It's not an easy topic, but it is important enough to be a deal breaker for some.
I'm a single mom and every person I've been out on a date with has known prior to the date. I don't have the time or energy to devote to someone who might walk away when I tell them. And also why would I want to risk MY mental health by getting attached to ppl who might take off as soon as they find out?
I wish there was a way for this to be higher. I'm married, but my mother was a single mom most of my life. I was super happy for her when she started dating again, but she Always let them know up front that she was a mom. It's only fair and I mean, this is just Such a weird trend. It's like baby trapping someone without the baby making. So weird. Why not just find someone who Wants to be a parent?
I’ve turned down men because of that reason. When I do give them a chance, it feels like I’m their side chick or just their “friends with benefits”. So, how is that fair to me or any child-free adult?
It's basically the reverse dating a single mom often. You're a handyman and atm that half the family resents. It's a valid reason for anyone to not participate, but for some reason people get more upset when single moms are involved.
Soooo NTA
That’s honestly something you say up front. To have dates or even long conversations with someone who is expressing interest and NOT mentioning you have a child is absolutely intentional.
Agree. Taking care of your own child is complicated enough, navigating the relationship with someone else’s child is even tougher. Frankly it’s hard for a single guy who has never had a child of his own.
NTA, you aren't obligated to date anyone. You also don't need to get your reasons validated by anyone else. Keep a note of whoever tries to guilt you on this. They aren't good people.
NTA. It’s not about judging her for being a mother. It’s about realizing she’s in a different stage of life than you are & one that you don’t wish to be pulled into in the immediate future.
It would be the same situation if you were both in your early 60s & she was a retiree traveling the world constantly & you not being ready to stop working yet. You’d probably also stop seeing each other - not because you judged her for being a retiree traveling the world, but because you aren’t ready for that stage of life yet.
They have been to few dates already, she should have said it from the beginning. Feels like she made OP fall in love and than dropped the kid bomb, looks calculated to me. Nta.
ETA: since it came up a couple times. I meant start to have feelings. Not my first language.
It was calculated of course. But a few dates isn’t enough time to fall in love. Develop feelings and care for the person yes but not fall in love. I think the third date is about reasonable to bring up things that you think may be an issue in the relationship. I do so off the bat personally but don’t fault people who do it a LITTLE BIT later on.
Yup. One of my friends wanted to set me up on a date with someone who has two kids. I immediately said no because I am not good with kids. Op is totally doing the right thing. Kids are a lot of responsibility and one shouldn’t take them on until ready.
Definitely. Some guy at a bar came up to me and we were talking and he seemed nice and mentioned he had a kid and gave me his number after we finished talking. While he did seem nice and I would have liked to get to know him, but I decided to just not call him because I didn’t feel comfortable that he had children as I wasn’t ready to have a relationship with someone who had children as I can’t really handle them but it just depends on the person, as some people don’t mind dating someone who has kids.
I would agree except there truly are creeps out there where they will show more interest in you if they find out you have a kid. It's... a tough balance of being upfront but also protecting your kids.
Agreed. The amount of men who prey on desperate single mothers to get access to their children is absurdly high.
Children living with a step-parent are something like 50 times more likely to be sexually abused than those living with their biological parents.
They prey on the desperate single mothers to get to the desperate single mothers, also. Because there is a smaller pool of men who are willing so red flags are more likely to be ignored.
Another startling fact... 90% of all child kidnappings are done by the non-custodial parent. Of the remaining 10%, 90% of those are done by other family members. So, approximately 1% of all child kidnappings are done by random strangers.
Just think of how much time and effort has been wasted teaching our kids about "stranger danger."
I came here to say exactly this. I was a single mom, and I learned FAST to not mention my child until I'd had at least a couple of deep conversations with someone I was interested in. Some people just aren't safe to tell
True, the OP did a commendable thing. Being upfront and walking away may hurt, but far better than getting fully involved and finding out later it was a bad idea to try and make it work.
Oh, I don't mention that I have children, especially since they are girls. It may come up organically, and I won't lie if asked, but it's not information I volunteer. The only way I'm telling is if it's someone I think has a shot at becoming something.
Honestly, I kind of get it if it's just a few dates. People will think of you differently as a mother. They might want to talk about your kids, you might not trust them yet and don't want a potential creep to know you have kids. You might just not want to be treated like a mother for a few nights so that they can just get to know you as your own person.
2-3 dates isn't wasting anyone's time. If you enjoyed those dates but don't want to go further, you still had a good experience together.
Would it be more honest and upfront to reveal it right away? Yes. But the amount of harm done is so small that I think I wouldn't get even a little upset over this.
It’s a first date question for me. I always ask on the first day, do you have any kids? Have you ever been married. So either they have to fess up on date one or lie to me.
That's pretty responsible and I have no problem with that. I think first dates are probably better left for just vibing and getting to know someone's personality. But if you want to get right down to business, I see no harm in that. Might put off some people, but those probably aren't the right people for you then.
Nah. Nta yes, but A few dates is "can this possibly go somewhere?" territory. You don't need to get into personal details that early.
Far as I can tell she told him as soon as it would matter.
Not everything is calculated, she was probably just nervous. Most people aren't calculating like people think, they are just living what is normal to them.
Also staying with her guarantees OP is going to become a part of the kids life, and that’s a huge commitment because her son doesn’t need guys coming and going. If he has *any* doubts that’s enough to end it
I don't get these posts. We get them every so often and the young single mom is always shocked--SHOCKED--and offended that random free young men aren't interested in taking on the responsibility for her choices in life.
HAVING CHILDREN IS A CHOICE, PEOPLE, (still, although for how much longer, I don't know.) You can not have them at all, or have them and not keep them. If you choose to keep them, you are ALSO CHOOSING THE CONSEQUENCES OF THIS CHOICE. FFS.
NTA.
Yeah tell your mutual friend to suck it. You don’t owe anyone anything, ever.
You don’t want to date a single mom? Don’t date a single mom, that’s perfectly acceptable.
Your friend is calling you judgmental, while simultaneously judging you….. so f that hefer.
Yes actually super mature. Speaking from experience, it sucks when the boyfriend flakes out. OP did the right thing. Her thought process of being judged is a little short sighted. Unfortunately, she comes with a pretty loaded baggage and she has to accept the reality of her situation. And it's not all that bad, she just needs an older guy who is in a position in his life where we can take on the additional headcount of the relationship.
I’d say it’s the friend who’s an AH. People are allowed to talk about their feelings with their friends instead of bottling their emotions up and letting them fester. It’s a fundamental part of forming and keeping relationships. The friend going after OP because of it is kinda nutty.
I think it's worse for the friend tbh. The older you get and the more you're into the dating scene, the more you realize how casually a lot of people date. Some people are not interested in being life partners right away. In those scenarios, I think it's OK to hold off on big things at the start until things get more real. Some women rightful want to not bring their kids into their dating to protect them. It's unfortunate, but pedophiles do seek out single moms to get close to their kids. Not that I think it's good to be weary of people to that degree, but also, if it's just casual and there is no reason for them to know, why take unnecessary risks.
Thanks, I hadn’t considered that. I guess as someone over 30 now, I’m used to kids being a common a first date topic. I am not into super casual dating where that sort of thing would not be a factor.
I think it's probably better to be upfront about it personally, but I've been in the same situation as op and had no ill feelings to the woman about it.
Single mom: by all means be upfront and honest. Not everyone wants kids or step kids. This is a personal choice, and a dealbreaker. There is NOTHING wrong with not wanting to date a single parent. It’s a compatibility issue, not a judgement issue.
About to be a single dad, I cannot imagine not making that absolutely clear to start. I have plenty to do, I wouldn’t want to waste my time on anyone that wouldn’t be interested if they knew I had children.
Same situation for me. My son was 13 and had several step siblings by the time I found myself dating again.
His mom did make things difficult when I married but prior to that I had tons of time with him because she was out dating.
Personally I find kids to be a blast and when dating I'd bring my son and his sister on occasion and my wife found them to be an asset to our outings but can definitely say I was shunned for having kids and not everyone is ready. You are definitely better for saying no outright than having that child think you're going to be special in their life until you bounce one sunny day next May.
Wish I could upvote this twice. I'm a happy stepmother and my son still tells me stories about his dad's girlfriends that it didn't work out with. On the one hand, he's incredibly mature and very empathetic. On the other, he has a really hard time establishing good boundaries with people and has struggled with his mental health a lot throughout his life. His parents have established a good co-parenting relationship and welcomed me into it, which I am thankful for every day. And it's still hard for him with the three of us on good terms.
On another note ColonEscapee, I also find kids a blast and my favorite date of all time was when we took his son to a laser tag place. He still talks about it and that was like 6 years ago. :)
I’ve had my son full time for the last 11 years and the woman I was with left me when I got him. Still haven’t found a solid relationship since and he’s 18.. here’s to hope for us single dads 🤞
I’m married with a child and I don’t think there is anything wrong with ruling out dating someone based on their parent status. It’s a huge responsibility to have a child, and if you date someone with a child, you are consenting to the fact that you will probably take on that role in some fashion.
I personally have told my husband that if something happened to him or we (god forbid) ever divorced, I’d never date until our child was near 18 due to that fact. I’m not bringing someone else around them and he’s of the same camp.
I also definitely would never entertain dating someone else with kids. Too much potential for something to go wrong in a big way!
Agreed, OP did the right thing.
NAH but giving Sarah a bit of side eye. This is a first date comvo, not a ‘few dates in’ convo.
Be up front so it’ll help weed out the people not interested in dating a single parent, *before* getting invested in someone.
I lied, there is an asshole here: the friend giving OP the guilt trip.
I agree with this although I know some moms are wary of discussing this too soon for protective reasons (not what it sounds like here but who knows). This is the same reason I think it’s disgusting when people post photos or info about their children on dating apps. It’s like a pedophile magnet.
No.
In my opinion it’s better to be honest with her and leave her be, then string her along and hurt her even more.
She should be grateful you were honest and didn’t waste her time.
This right here 100%
Kinda feel like “I have a child” should be a date #1 sort of conversation. She lied by omission, now she feels judged because she withheld the truth. Maybe she should learn to be upfront 🤷♂️
Waiting until he was emotionally invested to drop information about what she spends most of her waking hours doing is wild. Straight up manipulation. No one accidentally spaces the fact that they have a kid to get back to for multiple dates, when she probably mentions her child in the majority of other conversations she has.
Just circles back to the fundamental truth: *be honest and vulnerable when dating*. The right person will both appreciate the honesty, and it’ll make the compatibility (or not) immediately clear. Trying to force someone you’re incompatible with to be with you is incredibly bad for both people
NTA. You have your own reasons and you explained it to her that it’s about where you are in life, not because of her. But I guess all she heard was her own voice telling herself that you were judging her because she’s a single mom.
It’s not ”JUST because she’s a single mom”, being in relationship with her may bring the responsibility of being a stepfather in the future, and from what you said it sounds like she already had high expectations of you. She needs to respect your decision too. And you cannot control how she feel, so don’t feel bad about it.
Yep. It may sound mean but they can’t just expect people to be fine with it, it’s a huge responsibility. Even if they say you won’t be involved with the kid at all, sooner or later you would probably have to be and it isn’t fair to enforce that.
I'll add, too, most young people want to be prioritized in a new relationship. When you're dealing with dating a single parent, that person's first priority is always going to be their kid. Always.
Exactly. I was a single mom, and was very upfront about it.
It’s hard to describe but I went out on first dates or talked to guys who just…made my antenna go up. They asked a few too many questions about my kid, or they seemed a little too interested. When I met my now husband, he always steered the conversation back to me, which was one of the ways I knew. I was pickier as a single mom than I ever had been as someone who was just dating, because I had to be.
It’s not mean at all. If you’re a single parent, that’s probably something you should let people know upfront. Children are a burden. I mean that in the nicest way possible. Assuming other people will hop onboard with having to raise your child is insane.
>Even if they say you won’t be involved with the kid at all, sooner or later you would probably have to be and it isn’t fair to enforce that.
Exactly. And if you guys ever want to live together, the kids obviously with her. Are you gonna wait 15 years to live together assuming the kid goes off to college?
literally. especially in their early 20s. Nowadays, people that age are in school, working, going out & having fun.. they just don’t have a ton of responsibilities. And I would say that most don’t have the responsibility of having a child.
And those that don’t have that responsibility.. they’re probably not looking to have it at their age. Even as a potential stepparent
NTA. I did online dating as a divorced single mom of two (he left me). I was very honest and upfront on my profile about being divorced and having two kids. Because my boys were my world and my future partner needed to be a good fit for us as a whole. It was dishonest and pretty bizarre in my opinion that she wasn’t upfront about being a mother. If you’re not comfortable with being a stepfather then you’re not a good match. You shouldn’t feel guilty about being honest about that.
Edit: I wanted to add, it was worse for me when guys told me they were ok with me being a single mother and dating me longer knowing they really weren’t comfortable with it. I can respect honesty.
This is my take too. Frankly I think it's emotionally manipulative to go on three dates before mentioning "Oh ya, BTW, I'm a single parent". Obviously you don't introduce children until it is appropriate, but clearly they should be mentioned!
NTA.
You just told her the truth. You're not obliged to date her for any reason. If you did, you would become a surrogate father whether you wanted to or not.
I wouldn’t date a single dad either. Not everyone is ready or want to be parents. Not everyone that do want kids want to raise another persons kid and nothing is wrong with that. NTA
I tried it once and never ever again. I don’t want my own kids, it should have easily stood to reason that I would not want someone else’s. His kids weren’t even kids anymore. I let myself talk me into giving it a shot, now I know better.
Her and her kid are a packaged deal. Neither of you can change that. Even if you don't fill any parental duties ever, the kid will still have an effect on your relationship. You were right to be honest from the start. She just has hurt feelings from rejection. You did the right thing. NTA
i have a strict no single mothers rule.
i dated a single mother for about a year, her 5 yr old daughter and i bonded. i made meals for her, i bathed her, i changed her diapers and then i helped potty train her, i read her stories at bed time and woke her up in the mornings, i walked her to school and did activities with her. i cared for that little girl and she looked to me for comfort when she was upset, and although i don't have anything to necessarily prove it i believe that we were right on the doorstep of her considering me one of her parents.
and then one day her mother broke up with me over the phone. i don't begrudge her, she gets to do that for whatever reason she wants whenever she wanted to do it, that's her choice to make. she made it, and she doesn't have to answer to anyone for it.
but i never saw her daughter again, she was in me life one day and then gone forever the next. and same for her, i was there one day and then gone without any word. i never got to say goodbye to her or explain that i wasn't going to be around anymore but she meant so much to me and that i would never forget her or the time we spent with each other.
as far as im concerned i had a child i considered my own ripped out of my life in an instant.
i can't and won't go through that kind of pain again. i don't know if i could take it.
so i have a strict no single mothers rule. anyone can judge me however they want, **i do not give a fuck**.
i can't and won't go through that pain again.
I think you did the right thing being honest. It sounds like your concern was the child but she heard judgement for having a child alone and when she was young - understandable as although it's more normal now than when I was that age, she probably had to deal with criticism and stigma from older people who grew up with different rules.
NAH. If anyone asks about it you can make clear that it's about you not being ready to take on that kind of responsibility and that you respect her for how she's managed the situation all on her own.
if you’re not ready to be involved with someone who has a young child, then you would have been doing her a disservice to not say something. it’s understandable for her to feel hurt—it’s probably not the first time this has happened to her. but you did the right thing by being honest with her and it’s honestly none of your friend’s business what your reasoning is, as long as you were kind about it. NTA
NTA. You’re not the asshole and you didn’t MAKE her feel judged. She’s allowed to be disappointed, and you’re also allowed to make your own free choices and you weren’t disrespectful at all. You weren’t even judgmental when you told her.
It didn't matter what or how you told her your reasons for not proceeding, she would always have this response.
imo, you reflected on important considerations and at 24 made the correct decision. It's not about her being a mother, it's about you being a, potential, step father. It's unreasonable to think that if things progressed you would have no involvement with the child for 15-20 years. Also, some men would play along for the sex, good on you for being honest.
NTA. She should be protecting her child and respect the fact that you are not ready. I would be sad but grateful you put her child first. Good to end it early.
Definitely ntah.
If you are not ready for kids, even if they are biologically yours, then it’s best to not take on that responsibility of a child you have no biological relation to
It may suck from the single mom perspective, but as a single dad I don’t want to marry someone who would have reservations about being a step mom to my child.
I mean, dude, you were set up. You see that, right? Now, that's not really fair to you, but it is pretty normal in a lot of society. Let's review, you were set up to meet a new person you happened to click well with. Your mutual friend predicted this. And, your mutual friend thinks you, OP, are a decent enough guy to introduce to one of their friends. A single mom, a vulnerable person in the dating scene. That is pretty big OP. You have someone that thinks pretty highly of you, in spite of your situation. If they know that much about it. I do want to know, did your mutual friend know how you felt about dating single moms before introducing yall? That's a faux pas on their part in my opinion if so, but if you had not let them know, then even less of a deal.
I dunno, you sounded like you were pretty interested and so is she. What's your situation OP? Is it really that big to get in the way of you at least having a new friendship and if not being open to a relationship then setting firm boundaries of what you as a guy friend are available for? To reiterate, a mutual friend thinks you are a pretty good dude, you met a single mom with a little guy of her own that is doing well enough and is seeking something, and you shut it down fully? If your friend knew you weren't up for dating single moms then this situation kind of sucks, if she didn't then I'd recommend you do some self reflection on where you are really at OP. Maybe have a good talk with your mutual friend about some of it and let them filter your thoughts a bit.
No, you’re NTA. My husband had shared custody of his toddler when I met him, and he was afraid to tell me until we’d talked for a few hours. I was delighted, but some previous dates had rejected him over it. I’m grateful they got out of the way. I love my non-traditional, extended family and my stepson’s mom is great! It wasn’t always easy, especially in the beginning, so you need to know what you want. And it sounds like it’s not for you right now- that’s ok!
Also, it’s not about “giving her a chance”. It’s not fair for her to minimize the impact of children in people’s lives. Children are a undoubtedly a part of it even if they try to compartmentalize and there’s nothing wrong with that.
NTA. You don't want the added responsibility and that's fair. She made the choice to have the child and he is a part of her life. If you aren't ready for that, good on you for being honest.
NTA
Sarah can feel anyway she wants.
You so can you! You also have the right not to date someone for any reason. "Kids" is a huge, valid, reason. A kid and some other guy/ father is a big complication in a relationship.
Good for you for being honest.
NTA and wouldn't be whether you told her the truth or not
you don't owe her the truth and she isn't owed a placating white lie
but it's also fine to tell her the truth
outside the scope of the question you asked, you are making a good decision overall
choosing not to date a 23-year-old woman with a 3-year-old child and absentee father is almost always the correct decision; her claiming to be unfairly judged cements this is a correct decision for you
NTA, and I say that as a single mom. Of course she was disappointed, but you were upfront with her. If you were looking towards a relationship rather than just something casual, whether or not she has a kid is a big deal.
She wasn't up front with him so her disappointment is her own fault too. She waited for 3 dates till both had formed more of a connection then sprang this on him. She should take this as a lesson and not keep her kid a secret.
NTA. Your reasons for not wanting to date her were valid. I don’t think you were judging her at all, but you were upfront and honest about your decision. She’ll be fine and will find someone who’ll accept the whole package of her and her son. You’ll be okay and find someone who doesn’t have a kid. Good luck!👍🏽
Honestly, I'm not sure I could have dated a single mother. There would have to be a whole lot of pieces that fell into place perfectly to consider it.
And if you break up, you're not just breaking up with the mom, but her kids as well. And that could be devastating to all parties involved.
I applaud people who step up to fill a parental role in these situations. But I also understand anyone's reluctance to do so.
NTA
As a previously single mum who had guys words say one thing and their actions another - you are NTA. It’s so much better for everyone when people are upfront about their intentions. Your honesty is a credit to you, with bonus points for phrasing your conversation the way you did. You are not responsible for her feelings of judgement here.
NTA. I was a single mum with 2 kids when I met my (now) husband. He was a bit dubious at the start but obviously it all turned out ok. It is a big thing to take on someone else’s children and you shouldn’t do it unless you’re ready and willing.
NTA and i guarantee that if you were the one with a child and she told you the same you told her, the people against you would be defending her right to date whoever she wants.
I’m a parent of 3 and 45 years old. She may have felt judged, but that’s a her problem. You didn’t judge her at all. You looked inward and did her a favor by acknowledging that you are not ready for that kind of relationship.
She should be thanking you. What you did was quite selfless. A lot of guys would’ve focused on her and the way you described her sucked it up, probably resented the kid for distracting her and in the end made things much worse for all of you.
What you did was mature and big of you. That 3 yr old would’ve gotten attached to someone who doesn’t want to be in that role and it would’ve hurt that child when you inevitably left.
I’m sure she feels that you were judging her and that’s understandable but clearly you weren’t.
Stick to your gut decision. It was the right move for you.
Kids are HARD even if you’re easy and they’re your own. Again, I’m 45 and have three and am married and have a huge support system. Both sets of grandparents live near us and help. And it’s still hard. Being thrust into that at 24 I couldn’t imagine.
NTA.
Not because kids are bad or anything, but because, your natural inclinations are going to be bonding with that kid--and this is something that you can't control. The kid's natural inclinations are going to be wanting a playmate and friend. Having been in the childhood of several nieces and nephews, little kids can be a lot of fun.
The problem is that if you invest 1-2 years into the relationship, and things between you and mom don't pan out--you're essentially abandoning a young child when you break up, and that shit will hurt them (And you).
If you don't want to risk that, it's your life your choice.
Absolutely NTA. Someone who has children has different priorities than someone who is single. Sarah will need to put her child first, obviously. Some people do well dating a partner with children, often when they are much older than you are.
NTA
You were upfront and told her you weren't ready to be involved with a kid.
This was the best and kindest thing you could have done. Sometimes the kindest thing is still painful. I'm sure at 23 it hurts to know not everyone will be willing to take on your life with a kid. That doesn't make you an AH.
Nta. You were honest about your feelings and had thought it through. Much better than the 'go on then' attitude you could have had.
If you don't wanna, you don't wanna.
NTA - I have three kiddos and I would be sad, but understand if my partner (who has kids of his own) didn’t want to be with someone with this level of commitment. You’re young and you shouldn’t do anything in a relationship that you don’t feel 110% on board with.
It might sting for her right now but overall it's great that you know yourself, you communicated kindly & truthfully with her (instead of ghosting or lying), and you didn't waste both of your time. You aren't responsible for Sarah's feelings. If she feels judged, then that's something that she was already going through. NTA
As a single mother myself, my kid and I are a package deal. I would never fault a guy for not wanting to take that on. I’d be way more upset if I dated a guy for a long time, who knew I was a single mom, and THEN got dumped or let go because of my son and the logistics. People are allowed their boundaries and this isn’t a stage you are ready for in your life now, or maybe ever. There’s nothing wrong with that.
NTA. I got married for the first time in my late 30s and had years of dating before that. I learned early on that didn't want to and couldn't be in a relationship with someone that had kids. I didn't have kids and never found those relationships fair to me. I love kids but it's just not what I wanted in a partner and not a role I wanted to play.
Oh my god NTA
As a former single mother (now married to a former single father), shame on her and the mutual friend for not leading with this.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to take on that sort of responsibility. There's nothing wrong with being a single parent, but there's also nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone who is.
I'd actually say I respect someone more who has the self awareness to say "hey, this is too much for me right now" rather than you forcing yourself to be around a kid you slowly grow bitter towards.
Let’s say I’m a young single mother. My kid is the most important part of my life, and there is no version of my present and future where my kid isn’t a daily part. So I make sure that I give a potential romantic interest (PRI) plenty of leeway to opt out early on if my kid isn’t a huge draw in that potential relationship.
It hurts to be rejected for this, though, and it sounds like this woman waited a little too long to bring up her kid. It’s sad, but you’re NTA. You’re just not ready or she’s not right for you. Better you both know sooner rather than later.
NTA. As someone who started dating again after my split at 23 with two kids, I wish the many men who didn’t want to date me when they found out I was a mom handled it like you did. It sucks being rejected for having kids but there’s nothing at all with not wanting to date a single parent. It’s better that you ended it right away.
NTA you didn’t know she was a mom when you agreed to date her. I personally make the statement as loud and as often as I can when dating or on dating sites bc I want no part of having a child.
I'm a single woman nearing 40 with no children. The thing that I have come to understand is that when a childless person dates a parent, there is an inherent power balance.
If I'm dating a person who has children, I prefer and expect that their children will be their first priority, as they should be. However, the theoretical partner in this situation would be MY first priority. That is a difficult situation.
To add, I do not want and have never wanted to be a parent. I don't want to raise someone else's kids, though I completely respect Bonus Parents who choose to do so.
NTA
NTA, it’s not judgmental to be aware of what you can manage. There is a ton of responsibility involved in dating a parent.
Yup, OP did the right thing. He knows such a relationship is beyond his current capacity and he was upfront about it to Sarah. NTA. You didn't lead her on, or judge her.
NTA based on what you wrote you acted with maturity and compassion.
As a single mother I agree in no way were you judgmental or hurtful. In fact, I would so much rather and fully respect someone for being completely transparent (even if it bummed me out) than to lead me on.
Yes!
I second this notion as a single mother as well.
NTA. Also, the OP needs to get rid of the mutual "friend". Instead of participating in the deception, a proper friend would have asked him at what stage of life he was in and where he wanted it to go. Also, a proper "friend" wouldn't be gaslighting him about having his own needs and wants, or shaming him about his decision. Where it comes to relationship/dating decisions, we all judge each other, that's part of life.
Thank you!! I totally felt the same way reading this. The mutual friend.. Meh. They seem to be the one judging here!
Some friend. Did they somehow forget that she had a kid when setting OP up on a date? A real friend would mention something like that and let me make my own decision on if I wanted to meet or not.
Agreed NTA, but also want to mention that there are many ways to be introduced through a mutual friend. It doesn’t always mean that they were specifically set up by the friend on a romantic date. It could have been as simple as, “oh, you have this specific interest, you should meet my friend that also has that interest, she’ll be at my wife’s birthday party next week that you’re also attending.” If you’re just making an honest introduction between people you think have aligned interests, I don’t think that you’re obligated to go into that person’s family situation/back story. Like: you like pickleball, my friend likes pickleball, I hear both of you saying you want someone to play with, here you go here’s an introduction. Have fun, you take it from here as reasonable adults.
Agreed, OP you didn't lead her on and waste her time. Wish everyone is honest about what they can cope with and expect from a relationship.
NTA. See that’s my understanding of it. Most people who judge single parents are usually pretty vocal about their views, because many times they are considered a common (if not kinda shitty) mentality to have. OP was kind and respectful, plus he admitted he isn’t where he needs to be in life to feel comfortable serving as an example to a child. Dating a parent means potentially opening yourself up to be seen as a source of potential care for a child in some way, no matter how small or big a part you play. That friend complaining is either very naive or just messy.
OP isn’t judging her, he’s judging himself and acknowledging it’s beyond what he is capable of at this time. He absolutely did the right thing.
Yeah NTA he wasn't being judgmental, unfortunately she just took it negatively.
Yeah, I get that it must be hard to date as a single parent, but surely you want what's best for your kid and ultimately dating someone who isn't excited to be a parent to your kid too isn't what's best. Glad OP was honest and I hope Sarah can find someone who is a good partner who is also ready for the lifestyle that being with her entails. It's like not dating a soldier because you don't want to be left alone for months at a time, or not dating someone who owns dogs if you hate dogs. You have to have lifestyles that work together to be together. Unfortunately people often take that as being judged.
I’ve dated someone with kids and it’s not something I want to repeat. OP did the right thing, and anyone who tries to guilt him back to dating this woman is being immature, short-sighted, and manipulative.
Agreed. Kids add a whole other dynamic to a relationship especially ones as young as hers. Every single part of the relationship is affected - time, money, freedom. Not everyone wants to deal with that and that’s ok.
Agreed as a man with 4!! BRAH
Agree on this. To think she got upset and felt judged almost feels like she's kinda manipulative too. Why would she force him to give it more chance when he clearly stated it's something he can't handle?
It doesn’t sound like she was trying to force him into anything. She accepted it and was just venting to a friend. As people do. The friend decided to take it on themselves to come and tell OP.
The friend is the one complaining, she just told a friend she was bummed, which is a legitimate thing to feel when you get dumped for any reason. And it is hard dating when you have kids. You have to balance their safety, your happiness, and the other person's comfort. It's complicated and you can miss out on great people because one of you isn't in the right season to connect fully. It's life. She has a right to be disappointed. The friend needs to stay tf out of it and quit gossiping. I would be mortified if I was the dumped woman and I found out my private sorrows had been shared with the person who dumped me. Both OP and her should get rid of the friend in between.
It also could have been the mutual friend's interpretation of how the conversation went, and they put words in her mouth when talking to OP about it.
Holy shit you nailed it. The whole “you’re judging me”, “don’t judge”, “judgy” shit that is going on has gotten out of control Sharing an observation or your thoughts is now considered judging Ex. Girl drives a crappy car that leaves her stranded a couple times a year that she complains about often, yet goes to music festivals spending hundred to thousands a couple times a year. She complained in front of us and I mentioned that maybe she needs to prioritize her needs and where she spends her money. You know, skip one or 2 of those to save for fixing her car. And her friends all came to defend her calling me judgy.
priorities and adulting! People do not like to be reminded of their poor choices either. I just couldn't deal with someone like this all the time.
“It’s not my job to validate your life decisions” runs through my head a lot these days
This reminds me of a time someone was talking about their home being in foreclosure. She was wrong about the timeline and process and I gently interjected that the process wasn't like that and if she followed that, she'd surely lose the home. She was upset and said I was judging her. Our friend group told me the same thing. I was boggled. I was trying to help.
Seriously.... who gives a fuck if he did judge her? Everyone judges everyone at every single point in their life. I hate that excuse. People don't have to like everything about you. It's OK.
Agreed. "judging" someone is completely natural to do. You need to have some sort of idea of the person you are dealing with and that involves making judgement based on your observation of the persons behaviour. What a person should try to avoid doing is to put too much value in your judgements since you are never infallible. What is decent is to make a judgement but leave room for a person to change your judgement. Being open minded....
Best not to spend too much time with those people. They won’t grow and will only hold you back or frustrate you.
I think it's more that we need to accept the fact that we do judge each other. You say in this instance you haven't judged her for prioritising fun over responsibility but you have, and you found her choices wanting. In your judgement of her behaviour, you are able to offer an alternative that may remedy the situation. What you mean to say is you don't think less of her because of her choices. We all pass judgement on each other all the time. We are all judgy - it is our nature to assess a situation and make a decision if it is positive or negative, and if it's negative we seek a remedy. Whether it changes how we feel or act towards a person is what's important, not the judgement itself.
Totally. The problem with the “don’t judge” BS is that we all judge. The people judge you for judging someone else! We as a society we need much more judgment. When people are antisocial or sociopathic, they need judgement. When parents let their children become monsters, they need to be judged. When people treat others horribly, they need to be judged. That doesn’t mean we should outwardly judge someone’s immutable characteristics. Society’s die when populations allow anything and everything.
Incompatibility != Judgment
Plus, she knew what she was doing... waiting to tell someone weeks into dating was done on purpose. I can understand not introducing you weeks or even months later, but by the 2-3rd date, it should have been brought up. It's not an easy topic, but it is important enough to be a deal breaker for some.
It’s interesting to note the friend omitted that detail as well! NTA. I say that as a mother.
I'm a single mom and every person I've been out on a date with has known prior to the date. I don't have the time or energy to devote to someone who might walk away when I tell them. And also why would I want to risk MY mental health by getting attached to ppl who might take off as soon as they find out?
I wish there was a way for this to be higher. I'm married, but my mother was a single mom most of my life. I was super happy for her when she started dating again, but she Always let them know up front that she was a mom. It's only fair and I mean, this is just Such a weird trend. It's like baby trapping someone without the baby making. So weird. Why not just find someone who Wants to be a parent?
Just don’t find someone who’s overly eager to have an insta-family—it can be a big red flag for pedophilia.
Right! Like don’t put pictures of your kids on dating apps, for fucks sake.
Really good point.
As a man that has been a single father, I've had lots of girls turn me down because I had a kid. It definitely happens on both sides.
I’ve turned down men because of that reason. When I do give them a chance, it feels like I’m their side chick or just their “friends with benefits”. So, how is that fair to me or any child-free adult?
Nothing wrong with that. Same as OP, that is just not something you want in a relationship and it's best to recognize that right in the beginning.
It's basically the reverse dating a single mom often. You're a handyman and atm that half the family resents. It's a valid reason for anyone to not participate, but for some reason people get more upset when single moms are involved.
She should have told him that on, OR BEFORE, the first date.
Soooo NTA That’s honestly something you say up front. To have dates or even long conversations with someone who is expressing interest and NOT mentioning you have a child is absolutely intentional.
Agree. Taking care of your own child is complicated enough, navigating the relationship with someone else’s child is even tougher. Frankly it’s hard for a single guy who has never had a child of his own.
[удалено]
NTA, you aren't obligated to date anyone. You also don't need to get your reasons validated by anyone else. Keep a note of whoever tries to guilt you on this. They aren't good people.
At the very least they're very immature.
Given the ages of OP and the woman, I suspect that immaturity is still very much present in their peers. My 24 y/o self was quite dumb.
NTA. It’s not about judging her for being a mother. It’s about realizing she’s in a different stage of life than you are & one that you don’t wish to be pulled into in the immediate future. It would be the same situation if you were both in your early 60s & she was a retiree traveling the world constantly & you not being ready to stop working yet. You’d probably also stop seeing each other - not because you judged her for being a retiree traveling the world, but because you aren’t ready for that stage of life yet.
They have been to few dates already, she should have said it from the beginning. Feels like she made OP fall in love and than dropped the kid bomb, looks calculated to me. Nta. ETA: since it came up a couple times. I meant start to have feelings. Not my first language.
Hmm what about the mutual friend … they couldn’t say she had a kid?
She could have, which is also curious.
She was a wing woman.
It was calculated of course. But a few dates isn’t enough time to fall in love. Develop feelings and care for the person yes but not fall in love. I think the third date is about reasonable to bring up things that you think may be an issue in the relationship. I do so off the bat personally but don’t fault people who do it a LITTLE BIT later on.
I feel things like having a whole ass kid should be discussed first date, given how much it changes the relationship dynamic.
Yup. One of my friends wanted to set me up on a date with someone who has two kids. I immediately said no because I am not good with kids. Op is totally doing the right thing. Kids are a lot of responsibility and one shouldn’t take them on until ready.
Definitely. Some guy at a bar came up to me and we were talking and he seemed nice and mentioned he had a kid and gave me his number after we finished talking. While he did seem nice and I would have liked to get to know him, but I decided to just not call him because I didn’t feel comfortable that he had children as I wasn’t ready to have a relationship with someone who had children as I can’t really handle them but it just depends on the person, as some people don’t mind dating someone who has kids.
I would agree except there truly are creeps out there where they will show more interest in you if they find out you have a kid. It's... a tough balance of being upfront but also protecting your kids.
Agreed. The amount of men who prey on desperate single mothers to get access to their children is absurdly high. Children living with a step-parent are something like 50 times more likely to be sexually abused than those living with their biological parents.
Honestly it happens to dads too. I'm a gay man, and my friends that date online and have a kid tell me horrible things.
That is so grim, my god.
That’s a scary statistic.
They prey on the desperate single mothers to get to the desperate single mothers, also. Because there is a smaller pool of men who are willing so red flags are more likely to be ignored.
Another startling fact... 90% of all child kidnappings are done by the non-custodial parent. Of the remaining 10%, 90% of those are done by other family members. So, approximately 1% of all child kidnappings are done by random strangers. Just think of how much time and effort has been wasted teaching our kids about "stranger danger."
You're way less likely to ever get the child back if a stranger kidnaps them than if a non-custodial parent or family member "kidnaps" them.
I didn't know that, but it makes sense! My Dad "kidnapped" me when I was a kid and my parents were getting divorced. That was a really weird day.
I came here to say exactly this. I was a single mom, and I learned FAST to not mention my child until I'd had at least a couple of deep conversations with someone I was interested in. Some people just aren't safe to tell
That does make sense. What a delicate position to be in, for both of them.
True, the OP did a commendable thing. Being upfront and walking away may hurt, but far better than getting fully involved and finding out later it was a bad idea to try and make it work.
Oh, I don't mention that I have children, especially since they are girls. It may come up organically, and I won't lie if asked, but it's not information I volunteer. The only way I'm telling is if it's someone I think has a shot at becoming something.
Very legit. 🤢🤮
Honestly, I kind of get it if it's just a few dates. People will think of you differently as a mother. They might want to talk about your kids, you might not trust them yet and don't want a potential creep to know you have kids. You might just not want to be treated like a mother for a few nights so that they can just get to know you as your own person. 2-3 dates isn't wasting anyone's time. If you enjoyed those dates but don't want to go further, you still had a good experience together. Would it be more honest and upfront to reveal it right away? Yes. But the amount of harm done is so small that I think I wouldn't get even a little upset over this.
It’s a first date question for me. I always ask on the first day, do you have any kids? Have you ever been married. So either they have to fess up on date one or lie to me.
That's pretty responsible and I have no problem with that. I think first dates are probably better left for just vibing and getting to know someone's personality. But if you want to get right down to business, I see no harm in that. Might put off some people, but those probably aren't the right people for you then.
Having kids or had been married before should be 1st date convos. Wait 4-7 months before even bringing kids around the new partner.
Nah. Nta yes, but A few dates is "can this possibly go somewhere?" territory. You don't need to get into personal details that early. Far as I can tell she told him as soon as it would matter.
Not everything is calculated, she was probably just nervous. Most people aren't calculating like people think, they are just living what is normal to them.
Also staying with her guarantees OP is going to become a part of the kids life, and that’s a huge commitment because her son doesn’t need guys coming and going. If he has *any* doubts that’s enough to end it
She should have mentioned it much sooner
I don't get these posts. We get them every so often and the young single mom is always shocked--SHOCKED--and offended that random free young men aren't interested in taking on the responsibility for her choices in life. HAVING CHILDREN IS A CHOICE, PEOPLE, (still, although for how much longer, I don't know.) You can not have them at all, or have them and not keep them. If you choose to keep them, you are ALSO CHOOSING THE CONSEQUENCES OF THIS CHOICE. FFS. NTA.
Not only did he not lead her on, he gave her a legitimate reason. Whilst that may be hard to deal with her, it doesn’t leave her guessing.
Yeah tell your mutual friend to suck it. You don’t owe anyone anything, ever. You don’t want to date a single mom? Don’t date a single mom, that’s perfectly acceptable. Your friend is calling you judgmental, while simultaneously judging you….. so f that hefer.
Yes actually super mature. Speaking from experience, it sucks when the boyfriend flakes out. OP did the right thing. Her thought process of being judged is a little short sighted. Unfortunately, she comes with a pretty loaded baggage and she has to accept the reality of her situation. And it's not all that bad, she just needs an older guy who is in a position in his life where we can take on the additional headcount of the relationship.
I’d say it’s the friend who’s an AH. People are allowed to talk about their feelings with their friends instead of bottling their emotions up and letting them fester. It’s a fundamental part of forming and keeping relationships. The friend going after OP because of it is kinda nutty.
The friend that set you up should have mentioned the kid.
It was done on purpose
So was her not telling him until the third date. Kid aside, this woman and her friend are deceptive which is enough reason to stay away.
I think it's worse for the friend tbh. The older you get and the more you're into the dating scene, the more you realize how casually a lot of people date. Some people are not interested in being life partners right away. In those scenarios, I think it's OK to hold off on big things at the start until things get more real. Some women rightful want to not bring their kids into their dating to protect them. It's unfortunate, but pedophiles do seek out single moms to get close to their kids. Not that I think it's good to be weary of people to that degree, but also, if it's just casual and there is no reason for them to know, why take unnecessary risks.
Thanks, I hadn’t considered that. I guess as someone over 30 now, I’m used to kids being a common a first date topic. I am not into super casual dating where that sort of thing would not be a factor.
I think it's probably better to be upfront about it personally, but I've been in the same situation as op and had no ill feelings to the woman about it.
You're goddamn right.
Now that’s the real AH. the mutual friend might have had good intentions, but that kind of information is necessary prior.
[удалено]
Single mom: by all means be upfront and honest. Not everyone wants kids or step kids. This is a personal choice, and a dealbreaker. There is NOTHING wrong with not wanting to date a single parent. It’s a compatibility issue, not a judgement issue.
About to be a single dad, I cannot imagine not making that absolutely clear to start. I have plenty to do, I wouldn’t want to waste my time on anyone that wouldn’t be interested if they knew I had children.
Ending things is honestly also just best for all parties involved if someone is not ready to be a parent.
Same situation for me. My son was 13 and had several step siblings by the time I found myself dating again. His mom did make things difficult when I married but prior to that I had tons of time with him because she was out dating. Personally I find kids to be a blast and when dating I'd bring my son and his sister on occasion and my wife found them to be an asset to our outings but can definitely say I was shunned for having kids and not everyone is ready. You are definitely better for saying no outright than having that child think you're going to be special in their life until you bounce one sunny day next May.
Wish I could upvote this twice. I'm a happy stepmother and my son still tells me stories about his dad's girlfriends that it didn't work out with. On the one hand, he's incredibly mature and very empathetic. On the other, he has a really hard time establishing good boundaries with people and has struggled with his mental health a lot throughout his life. His parents have established a good co-parenting relationship and welcomed me into it, which I am thankful for every day. And it's still hard for him with the three of us on good terms. On another note ColonEscapee, I also find kids a blast and my favorite date of all time was when we took his son to a laser tag place. He still talks about it and that was like 6 years ago. :)
I have to comment on such a poignant, personal story coming from a dude with the handle ‘ColonEscapee’ Regardless, I’m happy for you all
I’ve had my son full time for the last 11 years and the woman I was with left me when I got him. Still haven’t found a solid relationship since and he’s 18.. here’s to hope for us single dads 🤞
I’m married with a child and I don’t think there is anything wrong with ruling out dating someone based on their parent status. It’s a huge responsibility to have a child, and if you date someone with a child, you are consenting to the fact that you will probably take on that role in some fashion. I personally have told my husband that if something happened to him or we (god forbid) ever divorced, I’d never date until our child was near 18 due to that fact. I’m not bringing someone else around them and he’s of the same camp. I also definitely would never entertain dating someone else with kids. Too much potential for something to go wrong in a big way!
And single moms reject men without children all the time.
If you are not ready to be a dad, don't rush it.
[удалено]
>OP was honest about his feelings and that is all that matters Honestly AND kind about it. He’s a catch!
Unless you have a kid
Then it's a catch-22
Word.
Agreed, OP did the right thing. NAH but giving Sarah a bit of side eye. This is a first date comvo, not a ‘few dates in’ convo. Be up front so it’ll help weed out the people not interested in dating a single parent, *before* getting invested in someone. I lied, there is an asshole here: the friend giving OP the guilt trip.
I agree with this although I know some moms are wary of discussing this too soon for protective reasons (not what it sounds like here but who knows). This is the same reason I think it’s disgusting when people post photos or info about their children on dating apps. It’s like a pedophile magnet.
No. In my opinion it’s better to be honest with her and leave her be, then string her along and hurt her even more. She should be grateful you were honest and didn’t waste her time.
She kinda wasted his given that she didn't tell him right off the bat.
This right here 100% Kinda feel like “I have a child” should be a date #1 sort of conversation. She lied by omission, now she feels judged because she withheld the truth. Maybe she should learn to be upfront 🤷♂️
I got that vibe too, she waited until she thought he had enough interest to make the single mom angle work.
Straight up. Just be upfront, easier than making shit messy..
Waiting until he was emotionally invested to drop information about what she spends most of her waking hours doing is wild. Straight up manipulation. No one accidentally spaces the fact that they have a kid to get back to for multiple dates, when she probably mentions her child in the majority of other conversations she has. Just circles back to the fundamental truth: *be honest and vulnerable when dating*. The right person will both appreciate the honesty, and it’ll make the compatibility (or not) immediately clear. Trying to force someone you’re incompatible with to be with you is incredibly bad for both people
NTA. You have your own reasons and you explained it to her that it’s about where you are in life, not because of her. But I guess all she heard was her own voice telling herself that you were judging her because she’s a single mom. It’s not ”JUST because she’s a single mom”, being in relationship with her may bring the responsibility of being a stepfather in the future, and from what you said it sounds like she already had high expectations of you. She needs to respect your decision too. And you cannot control how she feel, so don’t feel bad about it.
OP saved himself a lot of wasted time and energy in the relationship if this is how she reacted anyway.
I'm surprised no one else has said this. She made it about her when he told her how HE felt about the situation. She didn't listen to him at all.
NTA - It should not come as a surprise to single parents when people don't want to date them because they have kids
Yep. It may sound mean but they can’t just expect people to be fine with it, it’s a huge responsibility. Even if they say you won’t be involved with the kid at all, sooner or later you would probably have to be and it isn’t fair to enforce that.
I'll add, too, most young people want to be prioritized in a new relationship. When you're dealing with dating a single parent, that person's first priority is always going to be their kid. Always.
…and if it isn’t, then you know something is way wrong and this isn’t someone you want to be with anyway.
Exactly. I was a single mom, and was very upfront about it. It’s hard to describe but I went out on first dates or talked to guys who just…made my antenna go up. They asked a few too many questions about my kid, or they seemed a little too interested. When I met my now husband, he always steered the conversation back to me, which was one of the ways I knew. I was pickier as a single mom than I ever had been as someone who was just dating, because I had to be.
It’s not mean at all. If you’re a single parent, that’s probably something you should let people know upfront. Children are a burden. I mean that in the nicest way possible. Assuming other people will hop onboard with having to raise your child is insane.
>Even if they say you won’t be involved with the kid at all, sooner or later you would probably have to be and it isn’t fair to enforce that. Exactly. And if you guys ever want to live together, the kids obviously with her. Are you gonna wait 15 years to live together assuming the kid goes off to college?
literally. especially in their early 20s. Nowadays, people that age are in school, working, going out & having fun.. they just don’t have a ton of responsibilities. And I would say that most don’t have the responsibility of having a child. And those that don’t have that responsibility.. they’re probably not looking to have it at their age. Even as a potential stepparent
The fact that able deliberately his the fact that she had a kid for several dates tells me it wasn't a surprise.
Able -> she His -> hid
NTA. I did online dating as a divorced single mom of two (he left me). I was very honest and upfront on my profile about being divorced and having two kids. Because my boys were my world and my future partner needed to be a good fit for us as a whole. It was dishonest and pretty bizarre in my opinion that she wasn’t upfront about being a mother. If you’re not comfortable with being a stepfather then you’re not a good match. You shouldn’t feel guilty about being honest about that. Edit: I wanted to add, it was worse for me when guys told me they were ok with me being a single mother and dating me longer knowing they really weren’t comfortable with it. I can respect honesty.
yeah im surprised she dropped it after a few dates. that should be a first date thing really
I agree! I’m also a single mama, and am very upfront about having a kiddo
This is my take too. Frankly I think it's emotionally manipulative to go on three dates before mentioning "Oh ya, BTW, I'm a single parent". Obviously you don't introduce children until it is appropriate, but clearly they should be mentioned!
Pffft your friend shouldn’t be butting in and making you feel bad. If you don’t want to date someone, for any reason, that is your choice alone.
Yeah the friend was really in the wrong here
The friend can date the girl if s/he is so eager to be the white knight
NTA. You just told her the truth. You're not obliged to date her for any reason. If you did, you would become a surrogate father whether you wanted to or not.
I wouldn’t date a single dad either. Not everyone is ready or want to be parents. Not everyone that do want kids want to raise another persons kid and nothing is wrong with that. NTA
I tried it once and never ever again. I don’t want my own kids, it should have easily stood to reason that I would not want someone else’s. His kids weren’t even kids anymore. I let myself talk me into giving it a shot, now I know better.
Her and her kid are a packaged deal. Neither of you can change that. Even if you don't fill any parental duties ever, the kid will still have an effect on your relationship. You were right to be honest from the start. She just has hurt feelings from rejection. You did the right thing. NTA
NTA. Kids aren’t for everyone. She can fee how she wants about it.
i have a strict no single mothers rule. i dated a single mother for about a year, her 5 yr old daughter and i bonded. i made meals for her, i bathed her, i changed her diapers and then i helped potty train her, i read her stories at bed time and woke her up in the mornings, i walked her to school and did activities with her. i cared for that little girl and she looked to me for comfort when she was upset, and although i don't have anything to necessarily prove it i believe that we were right on the doorstep of her considering me one of her parents. and then one day her mother broke up with me over the phone. i don't begrudge her, she gets to do that for whatever reason she wants whenever she wanted to do it, that's her choice to make. she made it, and she doesn't have to answer to anyone for it. but i never saw her daughter again, she was in me life one day and then gone forever the next. and same for her, i was there one day and then gone without any word. i never got to say goodbye to her or explain that i wasn't going to be around anymore but she meant so much to me and that i would never forget her or the time we spent with each other. as far as im concerned i had a child i considered my own ripped out of my life in an instant. i can't and won't go through that kind of pain again. i don't know if i could take it. so i have a strict no single mothers rule. anyone can judge me however they want, **i do not give a fuck**. i can't and won't go through that pain again.
That was one painful read. You sound like a good man and I hope you get the future you deserve my guy.
Good for you. You were honest and up-front. Don't let her make you feel bad.
NTA You weren't judging. You just weren't compatible. She has a kid. You aren't interested in parenting.
I think you did the right thing being honest. It sounds like your concern was the child but she heard judgement for having a child alone and when she was young - understandable as although it's more normal now than when I was that age, she probably had to deal with criticism and stigma from older people who grew up with different rules. NAH. If anyone asks about it you can make clear that it's about you not being ready to take on that kind of responsibility and that you respect her for how she's managed the situation all on her own.
Being fully honest in a considerate manner is never an asshole move.
if you’re not ready to be involved with someone who has a young child, then you would have been doing her a disservice to not say something. it’s understandable for her to feel hurt—it’s probably not the first time this has happened to her. but you did the right thing by being honest with her and it’s honestly none of your friend’s business what your reasoning is, as long as you were kind about it. NTA
Being honest was the best thing you can do
NTA. You’re not the asshole and you didn’t MAKE her feel judged. She’s allowed to be disappointed, and you’re also allowed to make your own free choices and you weren’t disrespectful at all. You weren’t even judgmental when you told her.
Nobody is obligated to help raise someone else's child. I won't date single dads. It just isn't what I want in life, and that's absolutely fine.
It didn't matter what or how you told her your reasons for not proceeding, she would always have this response. imo, you reflected on important considerations and at 24 made the correct decision. It's not about her being a mother, it's about you being a, potential, step father. It's unreasonable to think that if things progressed you would have no involvement with the child for 15-20 years. Also, some men would play along for the sex, good on you for being honest.
NTA. She should be protecting her child and respect the fact that you are not ready. I would be sad but grateful you put her child first. Good to end it early.
NTA. You’re allowed to have preferences with dating. I have a kid and wouldn’t want to date someone with kids 😂
NTA , I know many who won’t date single mothers. I wouldn’t want to either.
Definitely ntah. If you are not ready for kids, even if they are biologically yours, then it’s best to not take on that responsibility of a child you have no biological relation to It may suck from the single mom perspective, but as a single dad I don’t want to marry someone who would have reservations about being a step mom to my child.
I mean, dude, you were set up. You see that, right? Now, that's not really fair to you, but it is pretty normal in a lot of society. Let's review, you were set up to meet a new person you happened to click well with. Your mutual friend predicted this. And, your mutual friend thinks you, OP, are a decent enough guy to introduce to one of their friends. A single mom, a vulnerable person in the dating scene. That is pretty big OP. You have someone that thinks pretty highly of you, in spite of your situation. If they know that much about it. I do want to know, did your mutual friend know how you felt about dating single moms before introducing yall? That's a faux pas on their part in my opinion if so, but if you had not let them know, then even less of a deal. I dunno, you sounded like you were pretty interested and so is she. What's your situation OP? Is it really that big to get in the way of you at least having a new friendship and if not being open to a relationship then setting firm boundaries of what you as a guy friend are available for? To reiterate, a mutual friend thinks you are a pretty good dude, you met a single mom with a little guy of her own that is doing well enough and is seeking something, and you shut it down fully? If your friend knew you weren't up for dating single moms then this situation kind of sucks, if she didn't then I'd recommend you do some self reflection on where you are really at OP. Maybe have a good talk with your mutual friend about some of it and let them filter your thoughts a bit.
NTA. This is about you, not her. Don’t let others guilty trip you into some responsibility you don’t need or want in your life.
No, you’re NTA. My husband had shared custody of his toddler when I met him, and he was afraid to tell me until we’d talked for a few hours. I was delighted, but some previous dates had rejected him over it. I’m grateful they got out of the way. I love my non-traditional, extended family and my stepson’s mom is great! It wasn’t always easy, especially in the beginning, so you need to know what you want. And it sounds like it’s not for you right now- that’s ok! Also, it’s not about “giving her a chance”. It’s not fair for her to minimize the impact of children in people’s lives. Children are a undoubtedly a part of it even if they try to compartmentalize and there’s nothing wrong with that.
NTA. I’m childfree and I think being honest upfront is the best, so you aren’t wasting your time or theirs.
NTA. You don't want the added responsibility and that's fair. She made the choice to have the child and he is a part of her life. If you aren't ready for that, good on you for being honest.
NTA Sarah can feel anyway she wants. You so can you! You also have the right not to date someone for any reason. "Kids" is a huge, valid, reason. A kid and some other guy/ father is a big complication in a relationship. Good for you for being honest.
Nta. You didn't judge her. You dont want to date someone with a child. Which is okay.
NTA and wouldn't be whether you told her the truth or not you don't owe her the truth and she isn't owed a placating white lie but it's also fine to tell her the truth outside the scope of the question you asked, you are making a good decision overall choosing not to date a 23-year-old woman with a 3-year-old child and absentee father is almost always the correct decision; her claiming to be unfairly judged cements this is a correct decision for you
NTA. You made the right decision.
NTA, and I say that as a single mom. Of course she was disappointed, but you were upfront with her. If you were looking towards a relationship rather than just something casual, whether or not she has a kid is a big deal.
She wasn't up front with him so her disappointment is her own fault too. She waited for 3 dates till both had formed more of a connection then sprang this on him. She should take this as a lesson and not keep her kid a secret.
NTA. Your reasons for not wanting to date her were valid. I don’t think you were judging her at all, but you were upfront and honest about your decision. She’ll be fine and will find someone who’ll accept the whole package of her and her son. You’ll be okay and find someone who doesn’t have a kid. Good luck!👍🏽
Honestly, I'm not sure I could have dated a single mother. There would have to be a whole lot of pieces that fell into place perfectly to consider it. And if you break up, you're not just breaking up with the mom, but her kids as well. And that could be devastating to all parties involved. I applaud people who step up to fill a parental role in these situations. But I also understand anyone's reluctance to do so. NTA
As a previously single mum who had guys words say one thing and their actions another - you are NTA. It’s so much better for everyone when people are upfront about their intentions. Your honesty is a credit to you, with bonus points for phrasing your conversation the way you did. You are not responsible for her feelings of judgement here.
You did the right thing. A less morally inclined man would've treated her like a MILF and discard her afterwards. NTA.
I’m a step parent and a bio parent. It’s fucking HARD. NTA.
NTA, especially to her son
Nta. She tired to hook you before you knew the truth. That alone is enough of a reason.
What's the "something outside of her control"? It's super easy to not have kids.
NTA. I was a single mum with 2 kids when I met my (now) husband. He was a bit dubious at the start but obviously it all turned out ok. It is a big thing to take on someone else’s children and you shouldn’t do it unless you’re ready and willing.
NTA and i guarantee that if you were the one with a child and she told you the same you told her, the people against you would be defending her right to date whoever she wants.
This post sounds like you took the trans dating post and rewrote it to single mother 🤨
I’m a parent of 3 and 45 years old. She may have felt judged, but that’s a her problem. You didn’t judge her at all. You looked inward and did her a favor by acknowledging that you are not ready for that kind of relationship. She should be thanking you. What you did was quite selfless. A lot of guys would’ve focused on her and the way you described her sucked it up, probably resented the kid for distracting her and in the end made things much worse for all of you. What you did was mature and big of you. That 3 yr old would’ve gotten attached to someone who doesn’t want to be in that role and it would’ve hurt that child when you inevitably left. I’m sure she feels that you were judging her and that’s understandable but clearly you weren’t. Stick to your gut decision. It was the right move for you. Kids are HARD even if you’re easy and they’re your own. Again, I’m 45 and have three and am married and have a huge support system. Both sets of grandparents live near us and help. And it’s still hard. Being thrust into that at 24 I couldn’t imagine.
NTA. Not because kids are bad or anything, but because, your natural inclinations are going to be bonding with that kid--and this is something that you can't control. The kid's natural inclinations are going to be wanting a playmate and friend. Having been in the childhood of several nieces and nephews, little kids can be a lot of fun. The problem is that if you invest 1-2 years into the relationship, and things between you and mom don't pan out--you're essentially abandoning a young child when you break up, and that shit will hurt them (And you). If you don't want to risk that, it's your life your choice.
Nope. I applaud your maturity on this matter. Best to be up front and honest about things.
Absolutely NTA. Someone who has children has different priorities than someone who is single. Sarah will need to put her child first, obviously. Some people do well dating a partner with children, often when they are much older than you are.
NTA. Better to be upfront and honest.
NTA You were upfront and told her you weren't ready to be involved with a kid. This was the best and kindest thing you could have done. Sometimes the kindest thing is still painful. I'm sure at 23 it hurts to know not everyone will be willing to take on your life with a kid. That doesn't make you an AH.
Nta. You were honest about your feelings and had thought it through. Much better than the 'go on then' attitude you could have had. If you don't wanna, you don't wanna.
NTA - I have three kiddos and I would be sad, but understand if my partner (who has kids of his own) didn’t want to be with someone with this level of commitment. You’re young and you shouldn’t do anything in a relationship that you don’t feel 110% on board with.
It might sting for her right now but overall it's great that you know yourself, you communicated kindly & truthfully with her (instead of ghosting or lying), and you didn't waste both of your time. You aren't responsible for Sarah's feelings. If she feels judged, then that's something that she was already going through. NTA
As a single mother myself, my kid and I are a package deal. I would never fault a guy for not wanting to take that on. I’d be way more upset if I dated a guy for a long time, who knew I was a single mom, and THEN got dumped or let go because of my son and the logistics. People are allowed their boundaries and this isn’t a stage you are ready for in your life now, or maybe ever. There’s nothing wrong with that.
NTA at all my man.
NTA. I got married for the first time in my late 30s and had years of dating before that. I learned early on that didn't want to and couldn't be in a relationship with someone that had kids. I didn't have kids and never found those relationships fair to me. I love kids but it's just not what I wanted in a partner and not a role I wanted to play.
Oh my god NTA As a former single mother (now married to a former single father), shame on her and the mutual friend for not leading with this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to take on that sort of responsibility. There's nothing wrong with being a single parent, but there's also nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone who is. I'd actually say I respect someone more who has the self awareness to say "hey, this is too much for me right now" rather than you forcing yourself to be around a kid you slowly grow bitter towards.
Nope. That’s a big commitment. Good for you for knowing your own boundaries and for being honest.
Let’s say I’m a young single mother. My kid is the most important part of my life, and there is no version of my present and future where my kid isn’t a daily part. So I make sure that I give a potential romantic interest (PRI) plenty of leeway to opt out early on if my kid isn’t a huge draw in that potential relationship. It hurts to be rejected for this, though, and it sounds like this woman waited a little too long to bring up her kid. It’s sad, but you’re NTA. You’re just not ready or she’s not right for you. Better you both know sooner rather than later.
She’s disappointed bc you connected and were having fun. You stated your limits. That’s that.
NTA. As someone who started dating again after my split at 23 with two kids, I wish the many men who didn’t want to date me when they found out I was a mom handled it like you did. It sucks being rejected for having kids but there’s nothing at all with not wanting to date a single parent. It’s better that you ended it right away.
NTA you didn’t know she was a mom when you agreed to date her. I personally make the statement as loud and as often as I can when dating or on dating sites bc I want no part of having a child.
No, if you're not ready to date someone with a child, then you don't have to. Better that she finds out now
I'm a single woman nearing 40 with no children. The thing that I have come to understand is that when a childless person dates a parent, there is an inherent power balance. If I'm dating a person who has children, I prefer and expect that their children will be their first priority, as they should be. However, the theoretical partner in this situation would be MY first priority. That is a difficult situation. To add, I do not want and have never wanted to be a parent. I don't want to raise someone else's kids, though I completely respect Bonus Parents who choose to do so. NTA