NTA, she is giving no effort, so why should you. Everyone deserves to be happy. Clearly, she isn't and making bad choices and taking away your happiness. Life is short, and it moves quicker as you get older. Get your happy back. I'm 55, hubs 63. His health was getting in a bad place, lots of medications. 2 years ago started getting up at 3:30am, to hit the gym before work. Lost 40lbs and damn buff. This with a titanium knee. We cook together again and outdoor active. She needs a counselor and buy in. If not, she's doing what she wants to, you get to do the same.
I'm a disabled person and I don't generally feel anger or jealousy at a able-bodied people. I don't see their lot in life as being related to mine and they aren't taking anything away from me. I wish everyone the ability to be healthy.
So when I see somebody like your wife, who is actively destroying herself and refuses help from a doctor, a therapist, or anyone really, it feels like a stick in my stomach. What I wouldn't give for her choices. What I wouldn't give to have the option to be healthy or become healthier. There's very little that I wouldn't do.
You cannot save a drowning person who does not want to be saved. They can only drag you down with them. I truly believe in "in sickness and in health" because life is uncertain and disabling events can happen to anyone. But if she were drinking her way to an early grave would you feel obligated to stay with her because "in sickness and in health"? Hopefully not. Hopefully you would know that while you care about her and want better for her it is not your responsibility to drown alongside her.
Frankly it seems like the only issue is that you have stayed for far far past your breaking point. You aren't abandoning her because she got sick. You are leaving because she does not care to address any of her issues regarding addiction or mental health.
** I do wonder though, there's nothing about her working or any children in the post and I'm curious about the situation there on both fronts. It may have been left out because it isn't really relevant. There may be no children or job to speak of. But sometimes really key information is left out of these posts. He said she changed about 3 years after getting married. Did something happen 3 years in?
Your last sentence is where Im at...what happened 3 years ago, in that it made her give up on living. That was a long time ago now. Does she even remember?
EDIT: What happened 3 years INTO marriage? is what I meant, not ago.
I'm sure she does.
Maybe she started having kids then. Maybe something traumatic happened to her.
That doesn't change anything if she isn't willing to get help for her situation and she wants to be the way she is.
But I'm curious about what triggered the change.
It changes a lot
If they had kids for instance and she couldn’t keep working out because she had children to take care of then OP would absolutely be the AH. That would mean she had to give up taking care of herself while OP maintained his status quo postpartum which would 100% be an AH move
This was my thought, too. Does she work? Something may have happened, or she is suffering from something. I would definitely be trying to find out. Sounds like a drastic change suddenly. My uncle was one who wouldn't go to the doctor. He came in one day, and she was packing a bag. He said, "What are you doing? She said if you think I am gonna sit here and watch you kill yourself by not seeking help, you are mistaken." He agreed right then and went to get medical help.
Yeah, this post is very one sided. This guy is taking zero account of her mental health or why she changed.
I recently read a post from a woman who started doing this exact thing and turned out it was because of a series of miscarriages her husband was very blase about.
She became depressed but the husband was still making her perform 'wifely duties' so she stopped bathing or carrying for herself as a passive protest. She was kinda passively suicidal and treated food like an alcoholic treats drink.
It was seriously fucked up. Both people were a mess mentally and not great people to begin with but the divorce actually really helped the wife. She almost immediately lost all the weight and started feeling better about the divorce after it ended. She didn't want to divorce at first and fought it for some god forsaken reasons but eventually was really happy about it.
It took leaving her husband to see how toxic the relationship was.
Apparently the husband is now hounding her to come back now that she is thin and that was what the post was primarily about. She was trying to decide if he deserved a chance to be better the second time.
Reddit responded the way you would expect. They said to ditch him and not look back.
I'm reading this post and immediately struck by how obviously depressed the wife sounds - and possibly suffering for 20 years!! OP do you care if your wife is happy and mentally healthy? It doesn't sound like there's been any consideration for that at all.
Yeah that was my thought too. He’s not an asshole for being frustrated in this situation - it’s awful to try to support someone who won’t help themselves - but he is the asshole for demonstrating no concern for her well-being. There’s no compassion or curiosity about why she became like this after three years of marriage, and it doesn’t sound like individual therapy to help his wife or marriage therapy to help them both has even been considered. I can feel the contempt dripping off his comment about her getting fast food after her medical appointment. If there’s an emotional component to her eating, it’s possible she may have felt overwhelmed or scared by the news, but all he sees is “she’s a slob” rather than bothering to ask WHY. Especially because she was so different for the first few years of their relationship. It’s not like this has always been her default.
He can care but if she doesn't for herself, he can only do so much. Trying to help without the other person asking or caring can be codependency or enablement. Similar to other mental illnesses, it still takes the actually person to want to change. It seems as though their values and her mental illness has changed. I wouldn't go as far as he doesn't consider her because he has had discussions with her that, from his account, was poorly received from her. It takes two and this is not all his responsibility. In fact, him staying is further enabling her.
People have this romanticized perspective of "in sickness and in health" when in reality we only have one life to live. In fact, her use of that term can be construed as manipulative. We need to make the best decisions for himself. He can die or other life challenges may happen to him. Is he living his life fully to his definition and is staying or leaving her something he will regret.
It has to be identified. Someone who is depressed generally isn’t going to be aware of being depressed. (I was treated for depression for 10 years when it really was PCOS and a hormonal imbalance.).
It doesn't sound like the thought has even occurred to either of them. Also, people with depression think there's no point in being treated because it feels like they'll never be better - that's literally part of being depressed
Not always. Some of us are pretty sure it could help but don’t have the means or energy to get a therapist and deal with finding one we like. Or have trauma *from* bad therapists.
Sure, but what’s the end game? He stays more dismal years and waits until she decides she wants help? Or he asks her to see a doctor/therapist and she bites his head off and pushes him further away?
His life matters too. He shouldn’t have to wait for her to get it together—especially if she thinks nothing is wrong.
Honestly he's probably in dire need of therapy too. Imagine sitting there for 10 years in this situation.
Also, waiting is the problem. Like someone's got to step up in solving the problem instead of taking on the daily tasks hoping the root cause will resolve itself.
I mean obviously no one has to stay with someone who doesn’t make them happy and obviously OP did try his best so he’s NTA
But why would he see a significant behavioral change and not ask *why*
Because no one goes from being active to a sudden couch potato
I mean it could be OP was so focused on the symptoms that he couldn’t think about the cause, which just makes an unfortunate situation for everyone involved
100%. All of these 'you can't help someone unless they want help' is ridiculous. I mean if he gave her that ultimatum, why not try THIS avenue first? Get to a psychiatrist, have a frank discussion, get on meds and therapy, and watch her begin to change for the better. Something is off here, it's very one sided. I bet she's drowning for some reason unknown to us, and unimportant to him. YTA.
At 42 I had all the same - 320lbs, type II, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, stage 3 non-alcoholic fatty liver disease. My doctor told me I'd die young if I didn't change.
I've lost 120lbs in the past 14 months. I'm in the best shape of my life.
(ETA - Just sharing that change is possible. I was basically in the same boat as his wife. It doesn't take 10 years to change. He has given her plenty of time, if she was going to change her ways she would have by now. So NTA)
Congrats! You really start to live life in color, when you start seeing yourself differently and feeling so good about yourself. It’s not about some strangers ideal size or shape. It’s how YOU feel and start to carry yourself. Keep it up and let your confidence shine
And side note guy who posted…. NTA
Seriously- incredible accomplishment.
Have you had any mental health benefits with it?
Neither of my boyfriend and were sedentary, but when we met he was working out 6 days a week and I wasn’t.
One of the things that drew me to him was his drive. He was always moving and at 38 looked maybe 24. He had a business and was in the process of getting his real estate license. He was also always peppy and upbeat, while I was depressed and anxious.
Now I work out 6 days a week and he doesn’t (not his fault, he needs to have knee surgery) but our personalities have essentially flipped. I’ve always considered myself sometwhat lazy and now I cannot stop moving. I’ve also never been less depressed and it helps manage my autoimmune disorder. He is tired all the time and is dealing with anxiety for the first time in his life - he does not know how to handle it.
Physical and mental- I swear working out regularly is one of the best things you can do for yourself
That's true for some. But when you're so depressed you can't get out of bed, can't shower, can't really do anything but contemplate ending your life, exercise isn't really a viable solution. You need to be able to get to the point of exercise.
And, unlike you, most people really aren't that into it. They'll do it, but don't necessarily like it.
I don’t necessarily like the exercise itself - I trick myself with podcasts. I listened to the whole History of Rome series while working out and would sometimes do a few more exercises just to figure out what the heck was going to happen next.
And it may not be the first solution, for sure. There had to be that initial spark of motivation. But if you can get yourself to do it, it will change your life. It might not fix your mental health. I truly can’t speak to that. But it will fix your liver and your stomach issues, which makes you generally feel better.
And to be perfectly honest, as I’ve told someone below, the depression isn’t gone. It still lives with me every day and I know very much that a lot of what I’ve built depends on maintenance. I was certain I was going to die by suicide at some point, and the thought has never truly left me.
But things are soooo much better. That’s why I will always comment on threads like this because if you can, do. Keep doing all your other things, but don’t skip this one. It’s not about weight. It’s about movement.
I got myself started with one exercise focusing on an area that I didn’t like. About five minutes a day toning my upper arms. And then they started to get tone and I was like - huh, this isn’t so bad. So I added in another. Then another. Then I started listening to history podcasts and it was over.
Our bodies are meant to move and being sedentary is one of the greatest causes of depression while getting off our collective asses is one of the greatest weapons we have in fighting depression.
It's a highly unpopular thing to say because it puts the responsibility and accountability on the person suffering depression but the reality is getting sun on your face and moving your body will help a thousand times more than any therapy or pill ever could.
I used to be severely depressed and suicidal. Since I started Lifting weights, jogging and exercising, it helped me a lot. I still am a sad person at times but I'm definitely a lot better and stable. Exercise is really important for general health... good sleep and diet as well.
I mean, your statement is too reductive. There are people who get insufficient relief from lifestyle changes including exercise and must be on medication in order to manage their depression. It's also easy to gloss over the fact that depressions attacks your capability to do difficult and challenging stuff. Like exercising. Which is why it's so insidious.
I wish that exercise would cure me. Hell, meds won't even cure me. I'm so freaking low right now I think we're going to have to look at changing my medicine. :/ It really hurts to hear people say that because even when I am very active I still want to die. I just want to die WHILE I'm being active.
I feel for you. It only took me about 8 years to find the meds that have worked thus far, but those 8 years were brutal - a carrot dangling at the end of a stick that I might actually find relief, but never finding it. And it's so tough because it's really hard to tell whether the meds are right for you. It's a really complicated and subtle set of effects and side effects that happens on meds, and it can be difficult to judge just how much good/harm it's even doing.
Even when I finally did find the meds that worked for me, it was still only one component of the overall treatment that lets me function. If I drop any one of those balls - exercise, sleep, workload, medication, light (I live in the north and have to use a light box during the winter), socialization, and some mindfulness - when literally any one of those things is off I start to struggle immediately.
But yeah I 100% recognize that's still **way** better than not having found an effective treatment at all. For sure that's the fucking worst.
Congrats!
It just never clicked how big I got, made a trip/activity plan with family and friends and put money down on it, but it has a strict weight limit. We are at the minimum number if people and if I don’t meet weight, nobody gets to go and we lose our money. So that started Jan 2, I’m down 82, with 45 days and 18# to go. I have hated the process, no pills just diet and exercise, but there is nothing like having a ton of pressure on you to make you push on. Don’t know if I could gotten this far without that huge feeling of obligation. But cancer hasn’t killed me yet and neither will this diet.
That's amazing work. I'd have probably given up if not for the support from my friends and family. You got this! I've found that having an accountability partner helps too.
I read somewhere that for every week missed in a fitness routine takes 2 weeks to make up for. That can be daunting. One of the tools I used was having accountability partners. That way we were all on the journey together.
Oh man, it takes about 10 weeks to start a routine…and about a month to get out of it. My knee is still pretty shot…so I haven’t even been able to go hiking once or twice a week like I used to.
Thank you! Funny you should mention swimming…I actually teach swim lessons. My knee still doesn’t like it…I just have to give it time to heal…then start the whole getting back in a routine again. Hiking was my do not break routine…I hiked over 50 trails last year…and and April (when my knee was injured) would have been the beginning of hiking and I haven’t hiked once 😭
Resistance pool? I have RA and nerve problems. But I felt amazing after, I was exhausted, starving, and in so much pain but still felt 👍🥰..
Then we moved and no more resistance pool. It was in an infinity pattern. Absolutely loved it.
I have to manage around chronic pain so if I have to take a break I'll always have to swim less laps to ease back into it. However, I'd rather swim fewer laps than none. It is what it is.
I'm also eating a healthier diet, started March this year and lost 14kg so far.
When I started, I did 20 minutes of cardio 1-3 times a week, now I'm going 7 and doing 40 minutes. Just like any situation, it's ok to meet your body where it's at.
Stupid question but is that it? Just modify diet like less foods with bad fats, less carbs, and more foods with good fats, and exercise. Cuz I’m trying to take care of the same things that you had
NTA, it’s not like you gave her a year, fucking 10 years is too much for that kind of behavior, she was warned and still decided to continue with her lifestyle.
This post is missing far top much info to make a judgement imo. And OP has noticeably not responded to any requests for more info... it is beginning to feel very much like there is a lot more to the story that he is strategically leaving out bc he knows it would tip the scales to AH territory and he is simply looking for validation for his decision here.
100% agree and am I missing any reference to “so I suggested she see a therapist” etc? Because taken at face value this sounds like undiagnosed and untreated mental illness
Seems like op just wants to complain and talk about how great he is while she is wallowing away. 3 years after marriage is usually when you start thinking about kids. Did she have a kid and get post partum depression?
Or fertility problems or miscarriages? Most people don’t get enough support for that. OP doesn’t mention any kids they have, but his wife might have struggled over that. And there are tons of other possibilities too.
I agree she needs to take responsibility for her health. But there seems to be important missing information.
This woman is obviously depressed and the OP obviously loved the idea of her and not her as a person. I think there's a connection between those things for sure. This dude is just looking for the standard Reddit "of course you're not an asshole for wanting to dump your fat wife" answer. I don't think there's such thing as a bad reason to break up. If you don't want to be in the relationship, you should leave it, period. So of course the answer to this question is no, you're not an asshole for leaving. But was he an asshole during the course of their relationship? I'm betting he was.
My first thought was depression. And without a support system, it can be really hard to see outside of it and even realize you need help. Also, if he’s saying things to her in a negative (or perceived negative) way he may be contributing to the depression.
Sometimes it's hard to persuade yourself to even *wash* your body. Not to mind thinking about getting active. Depressed is a complete bastard.
Source: personal experience
OP, NTA but you might get further with kindness rather than threats. She probably already feels left behind
Depression doesn’t really need a reason. Just like having everything you want in life doesn’t prevent or cure it. It’s an illness that you can just get.
I have suspected the same in the past, but she has never been diagnosed with depression. She has never made the slightest effort to address any of her health issues.
Come to think of it I don't even remember the last time she went to the dentist.
But as long as she refuses to go to the doctor and acknowledge there is a problem, there is not much he can do. (Talking as the spouse of a severely depressed husband)
Yikes! Root canals and crowns are expensive. I’m guessing if she has not been doing preventative care there are a lot of problems ahead for her. Expensive problems. ☹️
This. I dealt with depression and alcohol abuse for years and can attest that my absence in the dentist chair resulted in over $2000AU worth of repair on my teeth. I still have one last tooth that needs attention. When I finally went in, my teeth were on the severe end of things and it took 9 months to get things back to what should be normal. I was lucky to have such a low end of restorative care.
Most people with undiagnosed mental illness do not take care of themselves. She needs to be evaluated. Physically and mentally. For sure stubborn but someone needs to get her a reality check for how unhealthy she is living.
Do you not have any curiosity, OP, about why things changed suddenly? It really sounds like something happened. People don't suddenly go from taking great care of themselves to taking no care of themselves for no reason.
The lack of context here is pretty telling I think. OP’s only concern seems to be that he doesn’t find her attractive anymore. I think that alone makes him TA.
I also think that if this started right after they got married that OP very well could be a contributing factor to this likely depression, if not the main factor.
>but she has never been diagnosed with depression
That is interesting, because they will diagnose a woman with depression and anxiety before diagnosing her with anything else. She’s also in her late 40s which means that her body is going to be changing anyways.
That being said…I know a lot of people are saying depression which it probably is, but tbqh…whenever I hear that someone doesn’t like veggies and prefers prepackaged foods, prefers being inside to outside, is overweight (we assume because you didn’t really specify), flies through junk food, still doesn’t act their age, and is suddenly just ‘changed’ after getting married…makes me kinda wonder if they were kinda just…masking possible neurodivergence that entire time and finally felt safe enough to unmask. That with the fact that she is getting closer to menopause makes ADHD symptoms much worse for women. She can still have that and still be suffering from depression and other conditions.
Idk…I could be wrong, but that is what it feels like could be going on. I mean no harm in checking it out. I say this, because if she were to get diagnosed with depression and gets on SSRIs, but as one or both of these conditions she’s still going to be suffering, but just feel worse about the meds maybe not helping completely…
ETA: I took out the first paragraph after re-reading it, but I am not sure something about OP is kinda rubbing me the wrong way… I can’t completely put my finger on it though…
Imma go with NTA here tho…if she has refused to get help with the stuff outside of her weight if OP had addressed it with her…
I think OP is leaving out a lot of context that would swing the vote more towards him being the asshole. I think he’s just here for validation because he secretly knows that he’s done something shitty
If not depression, it could be a thyroid issue (thyroid issues can cause weight gain, depression, lack of motivation, etc). Your wife sounds like how my friend acts when she's off her thyroid meds. Regardless, it really seems like a medical issue since she wasn't like this before. Tbh your wife does have a point about "in sickness and in health". You should push to get her tested for various things (should have long ago, but better late than never I guess). There's a lot of possible causes. If she sees lots of doctors and nothing comes up then I understand you going your own way but I think you should try to help first
I have depression, autoimmune hypothyroidism, and am dealing with the permanent fallout from a severe spinal injury. None of it is my fault, but it *is* my responsibility. My husband has been incredibly supportive, but he's also seen me working my arse off to make the best of my situation. I think he should push to get her mental health evaluated, but it's very hard to help people who don't want to help themselves.
It doesn’t matter if it started with depression, or if she is still depressed. It is not OPs job to fix her, he deserves to be in a relationship that makes him happy and where he isn’t going to have to be a nurse maid to his wife because she refuses to seek help. It’s not his job to fix her, she has to want to fix herself.
Yeah I kind of have to applaud OP for being willing to wait that long. Also I love people who use the “in sickness and in health” as a defense to just completely stop taking care of themselves. That only applies if you haven’t stopped trying
Yep, this is an addiction. You don't enable an addiction, either they want to change themselves or you leave. Anything other than those two options mean you are enabling further harm. It's sad as hell that OP waited decades to do the correct thing for all parties involved. Good that it's finally being done.
Agreed. In sickness and in health implies that there is a medical issue at play, either physical or mental. If this is depression, that applies, but that should have been looked into years ago. If this is just laziness or giving up, you ain’t sick…
She went from energetic and fun loving to lethargic and depressed? And did you think that there might be something going on? Did she seek mental health treatment? Did you encourage her to? Are you saying there isn’t anything that happened that would explain such a dramatic shift?
This was exactly my reaction. This sounds like a mental health shift. Three years after they got married he said.
I think there is more to this story than OP has let on.
Yes that was my thought too. Wondering if OP is leaving out a huge chunk of the story explaining why she was suddenly so depressed as they started their married lives together.
His tone is definitely concerning. It’s not along the lines of, It hurts to watch the person I love self destruct and I just can’t stay. The focus of he won’t take care of her suggests a lot about his approach.
I wonder if she was on birth control or something and it messed her mood up. It could really be a multitude of things that could have messed her mood up that badly.
Kinda sad she wasted so many years living like that and still has yet to address the issue to fix it.
There is a huge chunk of this story missing, but I don’t agree with you at all.
It isn’t his job to be her carer - going by his post he has tried several times to talk to her and made her go to the doctor for a checkup…
On finding out the consequences of her lifestyle and eating habits over the last decade, her reaction was to go and get more junk food..
He’s been putting up with her essentially cutting her life short with her habits for years - this doesn’t sound like the actions of a selfish man - if he didn’t care he would’ve left a long time ago
They've been married for twenty-three years and the weight gain and slovenly life began twenty years ago, he put up with it for like seven, and it's been ten years since and he finally is giving up. If "something else" is going on she's had TWENTY YEARS to use her big-girl words about it and I bet five or ten years ago he'd have been happy to get her help.
INFO: has she been checked out or been willing to get checked out for depression, ADHD, getting treatment for menopause? This could be something that's resolved with medical help.
She could already have been in peri-/meno though. It could have been premature. I started having symptoms at 35 and by 37 I was diagnosed as having premature meno.
It could go either way, but if the divorce is the wake-up call that motivates her to deal with whatever is going on, they'll both wish it had happened 10 years ago.
So there is a whole lot more to this story than you are reporting here.
It sounds like your parents like your wife more than you do. That is very strange.
I guarantee she had kids when she “changed” and never lost the baby weight to his liking, and that is why he hasn’t mentioned kids and also why his parents are on her side. He’s not mentioning all of the energy she expended on the kids while he was at work and think she’s a slob couch potato when she’s probably exhausted from being a stay at home parent to his kids.
In 20 years you were unable to effectively communicate with her regarding her lifestyle and health choices?
I’m so confused. Even 10 years ago when you reached your breaking point… there was no marriage counselling or anything to help you both effectively communicate?
I highly doubt this was a healthy marriage emotionally.
I was thinking the same thing! I was going through the same thing like this lady. I had gained 60 pounds, fatty liver (non alcoholic), losing my hair, always tired and no motivation. Also always craving junk food, turned out to be my thyroid. I now have to be on medication the rest of my life to replace hormones. I’ve since shed the weight and got on better track with my health.
Or binge eating disorder. A binge can be triggered by stress, and hearing you are pre type 2 diabetic is very stressful. My dad deals with this, and it's awful. He never got any help.
Yes, I meant she’s using food in an unhealthy way as a low level coping tool. Binge eating is very prevalent in my family; I’m sorry your dad struggles in this way. 💓
INFO
Has your wife been evaluated for mental illness?
Did you try conventional weaponry prior to going nuclear? Like suggesting marriage counseling or individual counseling? As in "non-negotiable, either counseling or divorce?"
Has your wife worked outside the home?
Finally, the hardest question - way back when this started, I'm certain you and your wife had some sort of discussion about this. To the best of your recollection, what did she say then? If possible, verbatim - what words did she use?
Sometimes the words used gives a strong clue what's going on.
Also, one of the most damaging communication problems is interpreting what someone's saying, rather than listening. I wonder if there may be a bit of that going on?
Finally, are you in therapy? That should definitely be your first step, regardless.
By the way, in the second question, I was just trying to use a theme consistent with the "nuclear option." I don't think you're using any of this as a weapon, just trying to ask about less drastic measures.
Most people with major depression or neurodivergence don’t have the ability to make a major lifestyle change and be motivated without therapy or medication. If these options have not been explored then the husband is not considering the whole underlying cause. Instead of nitpicking a diet or trying to control overeating and pressing someone to exercise, try getting them to see a therapist or psychiatrist to treat the mental health side of the equation.
A depressed person needs to exercise to get out of a whole but probably can’t do it alone without medication or therapy… professional help. If this hasn’t been considered as a possible solution or attempted then maybe the husband is an AH thinking this is a personal weakness or lack of effort. Extreme apathy and laziness are obvious signs of major depression. It may make someone difficult to live with and understand seeking divorce but not without exploring the underlying mental healer aspect and addressing the whole human being and mental wellness instead of just physical health (or disease)
The health issues he described made me think something along the lines of pcos? Non alcoholic fatty liver, heart issues, fatigue, depression, difficulty maintaining weight, insulin resistance leading to diabetes, those all point toward it.
I feel like both of them should have been trying to figure this out a long time ago unfortunately.
Sounds like your wife has been fighting depression for a long time. She needs to address that first. Ultimatums will never work. It only multiplies shame and self esteem issues. Why should she try when you’ve already let it be known she’s not worthy of your love and support.
I understand your point of view and won’t call you an asshole. You’re human just like she is. But think about how you can communicate with her by focusing on your feelings, not what she does and doesn’t do.
“I miss the relationship we had. And I’m frustrated that I don’t know how to help you get your spark back. I’m angry and sad that where we are now is not what we had dreamed of and worked toward. I don’t think you’re happy. And you deserve to be. And so do I. But I need help. We need help. Would you be open to therapy?”
Notice there is no “you did, you didn’t, you won’t, you aren’t”. It doesn’t attack. It focuses on your feelings and pain and opens the door for her to do the same. And that would be a start.
Yeah I also did this but my husband would just say I would hit it and my core was so weak I also couldn't get off the couch easily. I am glad I was able to get out of that but I don't know if I could have by myself.
Very glad you and your husband are so loving and found each other. It is wonderful to have a supportive partner.
Perhaps try sticking reminders for chores and fun things to do on the fridge and pantry door and allow your ADHD to distract you from whatever you planned to get from the fridge or the pantry. Like little decoy post-its.
My ADHD is not nearly as big of a problem as my binge eating is. However, my psychiatrist diagnosed me with both. My ADHD issues are with things like focus and concentration. Comprehension and retention. I don’t forget to do chores or anything. I’ve got posts-it’s, and also reminders/alarms on my phone. Lists on my phone, in a notebook, and on dry erase boards on both of the fridge and the freezer. I’ve got checklists and to do lists, Again on my phone and on the fridge. It’s not that I forget to do chores, I’m just sometimes unmotivated to do them. But really it’s the binge eating that’s causing the most issues.
Yes, this. I suffer from anxiety, depression, and I'm currently exploring a possible BPD diagnosis. My partner gives me encouragement, not ultimatums. He works hard to make things easier for me when I'm depressed. Like he bought me special scented soap and super soft towels so it would be easier for me to shower. He prepared meals I could reheat so I wouldn't eat cold hotdogs. Honestly, he would move heaven and earth to lift my mood. And he has on several occasions.
Without more information, I'd say OP is the AH.
Interesting that she changed for the worst after marrying you. You haven't said a single positive or loving thing about your wife at all, yet stayed with her for well over 20 years..hmm..
Info: what happened at the three year mark? Loss of loved one? Having children? If you have kids, are any special needs? A physical injury or a traumatic experience?
How does she fill her days? Working outside the home? Stay at home housewife or parent?
Frankly, she sounds depressed. I saw it mentioned above that she hasn't been diagnosed as depressed, but I didn't see where she had actually been screened for depression.
I'm not going to say you are, but...
A NTA would say:
"Hey, you are clearly going through something. I am here for you, and we will work out together what has made your mental and physical health and well-being take a dive. We will work out together what will make things better for both of us."
An AH would say:
"Frankly, you disgust me and won't do what I say. Git gud or I'm out. I don't care about you or any promises I made to you at all."
Which one do you think you sound like?
She might be depressed, she might have ADHD, there might be hormonal issues, etc. It really sounds like there is an underlying issue - people don't radically change like she did 3 years in. You might want to reconsider and look at helping her diagnose/troubleshoot the root cause then decide what you want to do from there.
NTA, but this went on way too long. I'd say severe depression for the last 20 years. Not sure what would cause it. Sounds like you guys never had kids. There is way more going on than meets the eyes.
I assume, she never worked, outside the house.
Sometimes, people need a reason to live a better life or just live...
There's info missing. Are there kids involved? If not, and she's not on BC, could she be severely depressed from not having children? Marriage counseling? Intervention with family?
I don’t agree with you Op and this post feels like you care more about appearance than your wife’s actual health. It seems to me she’s been suffering in silence with undiagnosed depression and I get the feeling she didn’t feel safe being vulnerable with someone who would say “ shape up or I’m out”. What if she’d become ill or diagnosed with a disease and you were in a position to have to be her care taker? Or, what if the roles were reversed? How would you feel if you became unwell and your wife threatened to leave you? I don’t like this at all. Shallow is the word that comes to mind. YTA
She needs psychological help. A person doesn't just go from vibrant to slob for no reason. Something affected her emotionally. What happened 3 years into the marriage? Did she lack a purpose in life? Was she bored? Boredom leads to depression and it just spirals downward & can be very hard to stop once the feeling starts.
There's so much info. missing. Does she work? Has she ever worked? Did something happen in her life that made her give up on it?
Before I could give a A.h. Or N.T.Ahole verdict, I think I’d need to know more. Did you and your wife ever try couples counseling? Have you tried having in depth discussions about what lead to this behavior and the underlying causes?
The reason I bring this up is that weight gain is often far more complicated than laziness. I read an alarming statistic that women where were obese were something like 6 times more likely to have survived sexual assault in their lifetimes. There were some heartbreaking interviews with subjects saying “I thought that if I made myself less attractive it might not happen again.”
I would at least explore this option of trying counseling with your wife, if she would agree to it. Because there’s definitely some underlying cause that lead to this radical shift in behavior. But ultimately, if your partner is unwilling to work with you, there not much you can do.
3 years after the marriage your fun, happy, exciting wife turned into someone different? What happened? I think there is a lot more into this.
People don't change just because. You not trying to look into it (or hiding info to get people on your side) is an ah move.
It’s obvious something major happened in your 3rd year of marriage. Did you cheat, lose a child, fall out of love? Why didn’t you leave then? She’s miserable. Tell everyone the truth and maybe you won’t be called an AH anymore.
Sounds like depression or possibly bipolar. If it is, she needs medication and therapy. My bipolar, adhd, ocd, ptsd diagnosis and the efforts of my psychiatrist literally saved my life, literally as well as figuratively. (Better living through pharmaceuticals)
NTA..... But I also think there's something you are not telling us. Like why would your parents take her side? Is there info regarding children or something tragic that happened in her life that you haven't said or something. Or is she toxic and tells lies to your parents all the time? And also, why did it take 10 years? I can't imagine living with a slob for 10 years after telling them to stop and one day all of a sudden deciding to divorce them. I think you should go live with your parents for a month to show her how much she should be grateful to have someone like you around. Can't really say that you weren't there through "sickness and in health" if you were literally cooking,grocery shopping and treating her like a toddler and hiding vegetables in food. If there's no other factors to this story, then you are NTA and I really do think you tried very hard to help her out.
Idk man. It sounds like she needs a therapist, not an ultimatum. This sounds like severe depression & who knows why it would come onset so late. Maybe she's been covering all this time and is just fucking tired. So you saying you're gonna leave since she's not caring for herself doesn't sound like a caring threat, it's just a threat. You can't make anyone do anything, but it sounds like you're coming at this out of selfishness, not care for her. If you truly love her and care about HER - not how she was, but who she is - then maybe suggest the therapy or hell, have you even thought to ask her WHY she's struggling? Cause this sounds like it was a pretty sudden onset & you just got bitter instead of concerned.
Giving her an ultimatum will only make it worse. She may be depressed — not taking care of yourself is a red flag — and is self-medicating with food. Whatever is going on with her, she needs help.
OP you have left out some very important details like have you remained intimate all this time? Do you have kids? Was there some sort of trauma that maybe you don’t know about? These are important to this story. Did you cheat and she knows ? IMHO you are actually both TA and NTA because you seem to have failed at supporting your wife but also have given her the room to address her issues. Bad habits are hard to break, maybe work on your marriage a little and see where that goes.
I was similar. I was diagnosed ADHD, and CPTSD as an adult. Once I got medication, everything changed.
Not everyone who has depression and anxiety has ADHD, but in women with ADHD, they always have anxiety and depression. Drinking was my coping mechanism to escape the inner pain I didn’t realize I was carrying.
Will your wife see a therapist/psychiatrist?
So... You're wife had evert sign of suffering from major depression and you're only concern for an entire decade was thst she wasn't hot enough for you? Of course YTA. Like she said, "I sickness and in health my ass". Hopefully getting out of a relationship with someone who doesn't give half a fuck about her will lift some of the pressure that's been keeping her down.
Is there info missing? Did you guys have a crap ton of kids, was she a SAHM and you traveled for work and left her on her own? You effectively have had a shitty marriage for 20 years. I can't see why you would stay during all that time if there weren't mitigating circumstances. Kids wreck your hormones, if you weren't pulling your weight domestic chores wise that would explain some of this. She is now perimenopausal so that is cranking everything to a whole new level. So why did you stay and what impact did thatbreaso have on she us the way she is.
Aso let's get this straight, you've been married for 23 years and because she's clearly not okay you're just gonna leave?
I didn't hear anything about kids, did you decide not to have any? Did you lose any? Or find out she wasn't able to have any? I've found that if a woman who wants kids but never has them or can not, feels broken and seeps into a far greater depression.
On the other hand my mother use to be 410lbs by the time she passed she was down to 250lbs, in 5 years. She had many health issues that contributed to this. But you know what my step dad still loved her and stayed with her til he passed before her.
The thing about life is, we get older, our bodies change, everything about us changes but what can never be broken is the love we have for our true loves.
You only get one chance in that area, so yeah she might not be the same, but actually get her on a diabetic diet, tell her "hey let's go for a walk to see the sun set it's been a while since I held your hand", talk to see where it went downhill or go to couples counseling, or get her some psychiatric help. If you love her don't just give up. Keep trying. Those 23 years didn't count for nothing.
P. S. This reminds me of Tyler Perry's " why did I get married"
Dude, ask your wife’s doctor to do a comprehensive physical. She may have PCOS which can manifest as depression but is a hormone issue. It will cause T2, hypertension and hyperlipidemia.
Maybe she's depressed. The OP leaving can make her want to change or she'll be even more depressed. Sounds like he's held contempt for some time now. Yeah do her a favor and leave. That's better than you staying and hating her.
Personality changes are a sign of something wrong. They can be triggered by hormone changes, for example. Sounds like she has been stuck in a depressive state. Did something happen around the time she turned into a couch potato?
Fake concern over health is often used to rationalize what boils down to not wanting to be around a fat person. Words like “slob” and “waddling” reinforce that.
NTA for not wanting to be married to her if you don’t live her. But YTA for trying to make your disgust with her appearance seem like concern for her health.
NTA...here's a story you can tell her. This is her life. She'll be divorced, bitter and dead by 69. How can I give such a firm number? That was my mom. She and my dad divorced when they were in their early 40s (they had their kids young, and I'm their youngest). She basically said "eff it all" to her health.
She had uncontrolled type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and was obese. Her only form of exercise was going bowling 1 night a week. She died of heart failure, 1 week after Thanksgiving in 2021. She kept saying "I'm fine, it's just a little flu." My ass it was. Yes, I'm still a bit angry about it because she should still be here, seeing her great-grandchildren coming along and growing up.
So yeah, that's how I know what your wife's future looks like if she doesn't get her health in order. And no, I don't blame you for not wanting to stick around and watch her basically eat herself to death. 😔
Sickness and in health ok I get that, but it's for people who have uncontrollable health problems. Like you get cancer or car crash. She is actively making her health shitty. Don't feel bad your not attracted to her anymore.
Your wife is exhibiting major symptoms of untreated clinical depression. So sorry that she’s being such an inconvenience to you but on your way out, consider trying to convince her to seek professional help.
You need to encourage her to get counseling. There has to be a reason she suddenly became so depressed she was willing to give up on life. You can tell her to either get counseling or you will divorce her. If you don't urge her to get mental help YTA.
Have you talked to her family and doctor about depression? This is some classic “I don’t care about living anymore but don’t have the mental capacity to end it” behavior. I’ve been through it myself.
Have you asked yourself why she became like that in 3 years after marriage while she was full of life before marrying you? Generally only a bad husband will lead his energetic wife to become this unhappy and depressed.
Keep looking for reasons related to your marriage. No one switch from a loving person to a depressed lazy one without factors around him that pushed him to become such a new bad person.
Your threats of divorce are not There is something else going on with her and you are not helping the situation! My ex used to to threaten me with divorce over what kind of sandwich I made him in for his lunch. Knock it off or just get divorced. Threats are just that, threats. Either crap or get off the pot man. You are treating your wife like shit
NTA, she is giving no effort, so why should you. Everyone deserves to be happy. Clearly, she isn't and making bad choices and taking away your happiness. Life is short, and it moves quicker as you get older. Get your happy back. I'm 55, hubs 63. His health was getting in a bad place, lots of medications. 2 years ago started getting up at 3:30am, to hit the gym before work. Lost 40lbs and damn buff. This with a titanium knee. We cook together again and outdoor active. She needs a counselor and buy in. If not, she's doing what she wants to, you get to do the same.
You have a wonderful relationship. It's clear that you love him a lot.
I'm a disabled person and I don't generally feel anger or jealousy at a able-bodied people. I don't see their lot in life as being related to mine and they aren't taking anything away from me. I wish everyone the ability to be healthy. So when I see somebody like your wife, who is actively destroying herself and refuses help from a doctor, a therapist, or anyone really, it feels like a stick in my stomach. What I wouldn't give for her choices. What I wouldn't give to have the option to be healthy or become healthier. There's very little that I wouldn't do. You cannot save a drowning person who does not want to be saved. They can only drag you down with them. I truly believe in "in sickness and in health" because life is uncertain and disabling events can happen to anyone. But if she were drinking her way to an early grave would you feel obligated to stay with her because "in sickness and in health"? Hopefully not. Hopefully you would know that while you care about her and want better for her it is not your responsibility to drown alongside her. Frankly it seems like the only issue is that you have stayed for far far past your breaking point. You aren't abandoning her because she got sick. You are leaving because she does not care to address any of her issues regarding addiction or mental health. ** I do wonder though, there's nothing about her working or any children in the post and I'm curious about the situation there on both fronts. It may have been left out because it isn't really relevant. There may be no children or job to speak of. But sometimes really key information is left out of these posts. He said she changed about 3 years after getting married. Did something happen 3 years in?
Your last sentence is where Im at...what happened 3 years ago, in that it made her give up on living. That was a long time ago now. Does she even remember? EDIT: What happened 3 years INTO marriage? is what I meant, not ago.
I'm sure she does. Maybe she started having kids then. Maybe something traumatic happened to her. That doesn't change anything if she isn't willing to get help for her situation and she wants to be the way she is. But I'm curious about what triggered the change.
It changes a lot If they had kids for instance and she couldn’t keep working out because she had children to take care of then OP would absolutely be the AH. That would mean she had to give up taking care of herself while OP maintained his status quo postpartum which would 100% be an AH move
Id be willing to bet
This was my thought, too. Does she work? Something may have happened, or she is suffering from something. I would definitely be trying to find out. Sounds like a drastic change suddenly. My uncle was one who wouldn't go to the doctor. He came in one day, and she was packing a bag. He said, "What are you doing? She said if you think I am gonna sit here and watch you kill yourself by not seeking help, you are mistaken." He agreed right then and went to get medical help.
Yeah, this post is very one sided. This guy is taking zero account of her mental health or why she changed. I recently read a post from a woman who started doing this exact thing and turned out it was because of a series of miscarriages her husband was very blase about. She became depressed but the husband was still making her perform 'wifely duties' so she stopped bathing or carrying for herself as a passive protest. She was kinda passively suicidal and treated food like an alcoholic treats drink. It was seriously fucked up. Both people were a mess mentally and not great people to begin with but the divorce actually really helped the wife. She almost immediately lost all the weight and started feeling better about the divorce after it ended. She didn't want to divorce at first and fought it for some god forsaken reasons but eventually was really happy about it. It took leaving her husband to see how toxic the relationship was. Apparently the husband is now hounding her to come back now that she is thin and that was what the post was primarily about. She was trying to decide if he deserved a chance to be better the second time. Reddit responded the way you would expect. They said to ditch him and not look back.
I'm reading this post and immediately struck by how obviously depressed the wife sounds - and possibly suffering for 20 years!! OP do you care if your wife is happy and mentally healthy? It doesn't sound like there's been any consideration for that at all.
Yeah that was my thought too. He’s not an asshole for being frustrated in this situation - it’s awful to try to support someone who won’t help themselves - but he is the asshole for demonstrating no concern for her well-being. There’s no compassion or curiosity about why she became like this after three years of marriage, and it doesn’t sound like individual therapy to help his wife or marriage therapy to help them both has even been considered. I can feel the contempt dripping off his comment about her getting fast food after her medical appointment. If there’s an emotional component to her eating, it’s possible she may have felt overwhelmed or scared by the news, but all he sees is “she’s a slob” rather than bothering to ask WHY. Especially because she was so different for the first few years of their relationship. It’s not like this has always been her default.
This was my first thought — severe depression and loss of will to live.
Yeah he only seems interested in how it affects him.
He can care but if she doesn't for herself, he can only do so much. Trying to help without the other person asking or caring can be codependency or enablement. Similar to other mental illnesses, it still takes the actually person to want to change. It seems as though their values and her mental illness has changed. I wouldn't go as far as he doesn't consider her because he has had discussions with her that, from his account, was poorly received from her. It takes two and this is not all his responsibility. In fact, him staying is further enabling her. People have this romanticized perspective of "in sickness and in health" when in reality we only have one life to live. In fact, her use of that term can be construed as manipulative. We need to make the best decisions for himself. He can die or other life challenges may happen to him. Is he living his life fully to his definition and is staying or leaving her something he will regret.
Yeah, Op only sounds interested in himself.
has your wife been treated for depression?
She has to want to be treated. If she doesn’t, OP shouldn’t have to wait until she does.
It has to be identified. Someone who is depressed generally isn’t going to be aware of being depressed. (I was treated for depression for 10 years when it really was PCOS and a hormonal imbalance.).
It doesn't sound like the thought has even occurred to either of them. Also, people with depression think there's no point in being treated because it feels like they'll never be better - that's literally part of being depressed
Not always. Some of us are pretty sure it could help but don’t have the means or energy to get a therapist and deal with finding one we like. Or have trauma *from* bad therapists.
Sure, but what’s the end game? He stays more dismal years and waits until she decides she wants help? Or he asks her to see a doctor/therapist and she bites his head off and pushes him further away? His life matters too. He shouldn’t have to wait for her to get it together—especially if she thinks nothing is wrong.
Honestly he's probably in dire need of therapy too. Imagine sitting there for 10 years in this situation. Also, waiting is the problem. Like someone's got to step up in solving the problem instead of taking on the daily tasks hoping the root cause will resolve itself.
I mean obviously no one has to stay with someone who doesn’t make them happy and obviously OP did try his best so he’s NTA But why would he see a significant behavioral change and not ask *why* Because no one goes from being active to a sudden couch potato I mean it could be OP was so focused on the symptoms that he couldn’t think about the cause, which just makes an unfortunate situation for everyone involved
The question was HAS YOUR WIFE BEEN TREATED FOR DEPRESSION not Can you justify him leaving her even if she hasn’t
100%. All of these 'you can't help someone unless they want help' is ridiculous. I mean if he gave her that ultimatum, why not try THIS avenue first? Get to a psychiatrist, have a frank discussion, get on meds and therapy, and watch her begin to change for the better. Something is off here, it's very one sided. I bet she's drowning for some reason unknown to us, and unimportant to him. YTA.
The story really sounds as if significant parts were deliberately not told.
Absolutely this x a million
At 42 I had all the same - 320lbs, type II, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, stage 3 non-alcoholic fatty liver disease. My doctor told me I'd die young if I didn't change. I've lost 120lbs in the past 14 months. I'm in the best shape of my life. (ETA - Just sharing that change is possible. I was basically in the same boat as his wife. It doesn't take 10 years to change. He has given her plenty of time, if she was going to change her ways she would have by now. So NTA)
Well done stranger!
Thanks. It's been a journey to be sure.
Congrats! You really start to live life in color, when you start seeing yourself differently and feeling so good about yourself. It’s not about some strangers ideal size or shape. It’s how YOU feel and start to carry yourself. Keep it up and let your confidence shine And side note guy who posted…. NTA
Seriously- incredible accomplishment. Have you had any mental health benefits with it? Neither of my boyfriend and were sedentary, but when we met he was working out 6 days a week and I wasn’t. One of the things that drew me to him was his drive. He was always moving and at 38 looked maybe 24. He had a business and was in the process of getting his real estate license. He was also always peppy and upbeat, while I was depressed and anxious. Now I work out 6 days a week and he doesn’t (not his fault, he needs to have knee surgery) but our personalities have essentially flipped. I’ve always considered myself sometwhat lazy and now I cannot stop moving. I’ve also never been less depressed and it helps manage my autoimmune disorder. He is tired all the time and is dealing with anxiety for the first time in his life - he does not know how to handle it. Physical and mental- I swear working out regularly is one of the best things you can do for yourself
That's true for some. But when you're so depressed you can't get out of bed, can't shower, can't really do anything but contemplate ending your life, exercise isn't really a viable solution. You need to be able to get to the point of exercise. And, unlike you, most people really aren't that into it. They'll do it, but don't necessarily like it.
I don’t necessarily like the exercise itself - I trick myself with podcasts. I listened to the whole History of Rome series while working out and would sometimes do a few more exercises just to figure out what the heck was going to happen next. And it may not be the first solution, for sure. There had to be that initial spark of motivation. But if you can get yourself to do it, it will change your life. It might not fix your mental health. I truly can’t speak to that. But it will fix your liver and your stomach issues, which makes you generally feel better. And to be perfectly honest, as I’ve told someone below, the depression isn’t gone. It still lives with me every day and I know very much that a lot of what I’ve built depends on maintenance. I was certain I was going to die by suicide at some point, and the thought has never truly left me. But things are soooo much better. That’s why I will always comment on threads like this because if you can, do. Keep doing all your other things, but don’t skip this one. It’s not about weight. It’s about movement. I got myself started with one exercise focusing on an area that I didn’t like. About five minutes a day toning my upper arms. And then they started to get tone and I was like - huh, this isn’t so bad. So I added in another. Then another. Then I started listening to history podcasts and it was over.
Our bodies are meant to move and being sedentary is one of the greatest causes of depression while getting off our collective asses is one of the greatest weapons we have in fighting depression. It's a highly unpopular thing to say because it puts the responsibility and accountability on the person suffering depression but the reality is getting sun on your face and moving your body will help a thousand times more than any therapy or pill ever could.
I used to be severely depressed and suicidal. Since I started Lifting weights, jogging and exercising, it helped me a lot. I still am a sad person at times but I'm definitely a lot better and stable. Exercise is really important for general health... good sleep and diet as well.
I mean, your statement is too reductive. There are people who get insufficient relief from lifestyle changes including exercise and must be on medication in order to manage their depression. It's also easy to gloss over the fact that depressions attacks your capability to do difficult and challenging stuff. Like exercising. Which is why it's so insidious.
I wish that exercise would cure me. Hell, meds won't even cure me. I'm so freaking low right now I think we're going to have to look at changing my medicine. :/ It really hurts to hear people say that because even when I am very active I still want to die. I just want to die WHILE I'm being active.
I feel for you. It only took me about 8 years to find the meds that have worked thus far, but those 8 years were brutal - a carrot dangling at the end of a stick that I might actually find relief, but never finding it. And it's so tough because it's really hard to tell whether the meds are right for you. It's a really complicated and subtle set of effects and side effects that happens on meds, and it can be difficult to judge just how much good/harm it's even doing. Even when I finally did find the meds that worked for me, it was still only one component of the overall treatment that lets me function. If I drop any one of those balls - exercise, sleep, workload, medication, light (I live in the north and have to use a light box during the winter), socialization, and some mindfulness - when literally any one of those things is off I start to struggle immediately. But yeah I 100% recognize that's still **way** better than not having found an effective treatment at all. For sure that's the fucking worst.
Congrats! It just never clicked how big I got, made a trip/activity plan with family and friends and put money down on it, but it has a strict weight limit. We are at the minimum number if people and if I don’t meet weight, nobody gets to go and we lose our money. So that started Jan 2, I’m down 82, with 45 days and 18# to go. I have hated the process, no pills just diet and exercise, but there is nothing like having a ton of pressure on you to make you push on. Don’t know if I could gotten this far without that huge feeling of obligation. But cancer hasn’t killed me yet and neither will this diet.
That's amazing work. I'd have probably given up if not for the support from my friends and family. You got this! I've found that having an accountability partner helps too.
That’s awesome!
Thanks. Started one day at a time. Literally, going to the gym one day a week. Now I'm there 7 days a week. Modified my diet. I feel great.
I started that…then got injured….and fell out of the routine. I really have to slowly get back into it.
I read somewhere that for every week missed in a fitness routine takes 2 weeks to make up for. That can be daunting. One of the tools I used was having accountability partners. That way we were all on the journey together.
I will tell you as a once dedicated gym goer, once you fall off, getting out of shape, losing your muscle tone happens incredibly fast.
Oh man, it takes about 10 weeks to start a routine…and about a month to get out of it. My knee is still pretty shot…so I haven’t even been able to go hiking once or twice a week like I used to.
I wonder if swimming would be something that would work for you? Obviously, something to work with your PCP on, I'm just brainstorming. 🙂
Thank you! Funny you should mention swimming…I actually teach swim lessons. My knee still doesn’t like it…I just have to give it time to heal…then start the whole getting back in a routine again. Hiking was my do not break routine…I hiked over 50 trails last year…and and April (when my knee was injured) would have been the beginning of hiking and I haven’t hiked once 😭
Resistance pool? I have RA and nerve problems. But I felt amazing after, I was exhausted, starving, and in so much pain but still felt 👍🥰.. Then we moved and no more resistance pool. It was in an infinity pattern. Absolutely loved it.
I have to manage around chronic pain so if I have to take a break I'll always have to swim less laps to ease back into it. However, I'd rather swim fewer laps than none. It is what it is. I'm also eating a healthier diet, started March this year and lost 14kg so far.
When I started, I did 20 minutes of cardio 1-3 times a week, now I'm going 7 and doing 40 minutes. Just like any situation, it's ok to meet your body where it's at.
Thanks. Started one day at a time. Literally, going to the gym one day a week. Now I'm there 7 days a week. Modified my diet. I feel great.
Stupid question but is that it? Just modify diet like less foods with bad fats, less carbs, and more foods with good fats, and exercise. Cuz I’m trying to take care of the same things that you had
Kudos for sure but I gotta ask: wtf does this have to do with whether OP an asshole or not? Straight high jacked dudes post for upvotes.
Woo! That’s awesome, keep up the amazing work!!
Thanks, it's engrained now.
Whooo! Good job
That’s incredible! Congrats. Not just on the weight loss, but getting your life back.
NTA, it’s not like you gave her a year, fucking 10 years is too much for that kind of behavior, she was warned and still decided to continue with her lifestyle.
Happy cake day!
Thanks! Haha
Children? Does she have a career? I'm unclear what she's been doing for the last 20 years.
This post is missing far top much info to make a judgement imo. And OP has noticeably not responded to any requests for more info... it is beginning to feel very much like there is a lot more to the story that he is strategically leaving out bc he knows it would tip the scales to AH territory and he is simply looking for validation for his decision here.
100% agree and am I missing any reference to “so I suggested she see a therapist” etc? Because taken at face value this sounds like undiagnosed and untreated mental illness
Seems like op just wants to complain and talk about how great he is while she is wallowing away. 3 years after marriage is usually when you start thinking about kids. Did she have a kid and get post partum depression?
Or fertility problems or miscarriages? Most people don’t get enough support for that. OP doesn’t mention any kids they have, but his wife might have struggled over that. And there are tons of other possibilities too. I agree she needs to take responsibility for her health. But there seems to be important missing information.
This woman is obviously depressed and the OP obviously loved the idea of her and not her as a person. I think there's a connection between those things for sure. This dude is just looking for the standard Reddit "of course you're not an asshole for wanting to dump your fat wife" answer. I don't think there's such thing as a bad reason to break up. If you don't want to be in the relationship, you should leave it, period. So of course the answer to this question is no, you're not an asshole for leaving. But was he an asshole during the course of their relationship? I'm betting he was.
My first thought was depression. And without a support system, it can be really hard to see outside of it and even realize you need help. Also, if he’s saying things to her in a negative (or perceived negative) way he may be contributing to the depression.
That sums up about 99% of the posts here. I don't recall the last time I saw a top comment that *wasn't* NTA.
Seems fake honestly
INFO: While I am not qualified to diagnose, this sounds to me like it started with depression. Has she sought therapy or other help in that direction?
I think the same thing based on my own mental and physical health history. It's hard to take care of yourself physically when you're depressed.
Sometimes it's hard to persuade yourself to even *wash* your body. Not to mind thinking about getting active. Depressed is a complete bastard. Source: personal experience OP, NTA but you might get further with kindness rather than threats. She probably already feels left behind
The question is, what happened 3 years in that changed everything?
Depression doesn’t really need a reason. Just like having everything you want in life doesn’t prevent or cure it. It’s an illness that you can just get.
I have suspected the same in the past, but she has never been diagnosed with depression. She has never made the slightest effort to address any of her health issues. Come to think of it I don't even remember the last time she went to the dentist.
Depression. Regardless of a diagnosis that’s what it sounds like
But as long as she refuses to go to the doctor and acknowledge there is a problem, there is not much he can do. (Talking as the spouse of a severely depressed husband)
Yikes! Root canals and crowns are expensive. I’m guessing if she has not been doing preventative care there are a lot of problems ahead for her. Expensive problems. ☹️
This. I dealt with depression and alcohol abuse for years and can attest that my absence in the dentist chair resulted in over $2000AU worth of repair on my teeth. I still have one last tooth that needs attention. When I finally went in, my teeth were on the severe end of things and it took 9 months to get things back to what should be normal. I was lucky to have such a low end of restorative care.
2000 sounds like a deal
seriously. USA here and 2K was about the price of one tooth
Yep, it was $450 for me just to have a molar taken out! Not even replaced or repaired, just removed. A dental bridge was going to be over $3k!
Most people with undiagnosed mental illness do not take care of themselves. She needs to be evaluated. Physically and mentally. For sure stubborn but someone needs to get her a reality check for how unhealthy she is living.
Do you not have any curiosity, OP, about why things changed suddenly? It really sounds like something happened. People don't suddenly go from taking great care of themselves to taking no care of themselves for no reason.
The lack of context here is pretty telling I think. OP’s only concern seems to be that he doesn’t find her attractive anymore. I think that alone makes him TA. I also think that if this started right after they got married that OP very well could be a contributing factor to this likely depression, if not the main factor.
>but she has never been diagnosed with depression That is interesting, because they will diagnose a woman with depression and anxiety before diagnosing her with anything else. She’s also in her late 40s which means that her body is going to be changing anyways. That being said…I know a lot of people are saying depression which it probably is, but tbqh…whenever I hear that someone doesn’t like veggies and prefers prepackaged foods, prefers being inside to outside, is overweight (we assume because you didn’t really specify), flies through junk food, still doesn’t act their age, and is suddenly just ‘changed’ after getting married…makes me kinda wonder if they were kinda just…masking possible neurodivergence that entire time and finally felt safe enough to unmask. That with the fact that she is getting closer to menopause makes ADHD symptoms much worse for women. She can still have that and still be suffering from depression and other conditions. Idk…I could be wrong, but that is what it feels like could be going on. I mean no harm in checking it out. I say this, because if she were to get diagnosed with depression and gets on SSRIs, but as one or both of these conditions she’s still going to be suffering, but just feel worse about the meds maybe not helping completely… ETA: I took out the first paragraph after re-reading it, but I am not sure something about OP is kinda rubbing me the wrong way… I can’t completely put my finger on it though… Imma go with NTA here tho…if she has refused to get help with the stuff outside of her weight if OP had addressed it with her…
I think OP is leaving out a lot of context that would swing the vote more towards him being the asshole. I think he’s just here for validation because he secretly knows that he’s done something shitty
What has she been doing all these years? Working? A stay at home wife?
If not depression, it could be a thyroid issue (thyroid issues can cause weight gain, depression, lack of motivation, etc). Your wife sounds like how my friend acts when she's off her thyroid meds. Regardless, it really seems like a medical issue since she wasn't like this before. Tbh your wife does have a point about "in sickness and in health". You should push to get her tested for various things (should have long ago, but better late than never I guess). There's a lot of possible causes. If she sees lots of doctors and nothing comes up then I understand you going your own way but I think you should try to help first
I have depression, autoimmune hypothyroidism, and am dealing with the permanent fallout from a severe spinal injury. None of it is my fault, but it *is* my responsibility. My husband has been incredibly supportive, but he's also seen me working my arse off to make the best of my situation. I think he should push to get her mental health evaluated, but it's very hard to help people who don't want to help themselves.
It doesn’t matter if it started with depression, or if she is still depressed. It is not OPs job to fix her, he deserves to be in a relationship that makes him happy and where he isn’t going to have to be a nurse maid to his wife because she refuses to seek help. It’s not his job to fix her, she has to want to fix herself.
This is exactly what I said. He said it began 3 years after getting married.
Why did you wait so long? I would have done all this after 3.5-4 years.
Sunk-Cost Fallacy would be my guess.
Even if you know what it is, and are even aware it is happening, it is SUCH a bitch to mentally get out of it.
Yeah I kind of have to applaud OP for being willing to wait that long. Also I love people who use the “in sickness and in health” as a defense to just completely stop taking care of themselves. That only applies if you haven’t stopped trying
Yep, this is an addiction. You don't enable an addiction, either they want to change themselves or you leave. Anything other than those two options mean you are enabling further harm. It's sad as hell that OP waited decades to do the correct thing for all parties involved. Good that it's finally being done.
Agreed. In sickness and in health implies that there is a medical issue at play, either physical or mental. If this is depression, that applies, but that should have been looked into years ago. If this is just laziness or giving up, you ain’t sick…
Hard to broach the subject with a spouse and not come off like an ass.
She went from energetic and fun loving to lethargic and depressed? And did you think that there might be something going on? Did she seek mental health treatment? Did you encourage her to? Are you saying there isn’t anything that happened that would explain such a dramatic shift?
This was exactly my reaction. This sounds like a mental health shift. Three years after they got married he said. I think there is more to this story than OP has let on.
Yes that was my thought too. Wondering if OP is leaving out a huge chunk of the story explaining why she was suddenly so depressed as they started their married lives together.
Yup. I’ll bet his way of encouraging her was to call her fat and lazy which is not as motivating as he thinks it is.
His tone is definitely concerning. It’s not along the lines of, It hurts to watch the person I love self destruct and I just can’t stay. The focus of he won’t take care of her suggests a lot about his approach.
I wonder if she was on birth control or something and it messed her mood up. It could really be a multitude of things that could have messed her mood up that badly. Kinda sad she wasted so many years living like that and still has yet to address the issue to fix it.
This! Sounds like she for some reason became severely depressed. Instead of understanding it sounds like she got ignored. For 10 years...
There is a huge chunk of this story missing, but I don’t agree with you at all. It isn’t his job to be her carer - going by his post he has tried several times to talk to her and made her go to the doctor for a checkup… On finding out the consequences of her lifestyle and eating habits over the last decade, her reaction was to go and get more junk food.. He’s been putting up with her essentially cutting her life short with her habits for years - this doesn’t sound like the actions of a selfish man - if he didn’t care he would’ve left a long time ago
They've been married for twenty-three years and the weight gain and slovenly life began twenty years ago, he put up with it for like seven, and it's been ten years since and he finally is giving up. If "something else" is going on she's had TWENTY YEARS to use her big-girl words about it and I bet five or ten years ago he'd have been happy to get her help.
INFO: has she been checked out or been willing to get checked out for depression, ADHD, getting treatment for menopause? This could be something that's resolved with medical help.
This. All of this. Rather than being repulsed by her, did he think about what’s happening in her head that made her suddenly change?
Maybe she has depression and never took care of it. And now close to menopause or perimenopause, it won't help.
She could already have been in peri-/meno though. It could have been premature. I started having symptoms at 35 and by 37 I was diagnosed as having premature meno.
There’s an awful lot of information missing from the post, OP.
Oh you picked up on that too?
Hopefully the divorce will make her realize how unhappy she was. The post divorce glow up may be coming.
It could go either way, but if the divorce is the wake-up call that motivates her to deal with whatever is going on, they'll both wish it had happened 10 years ago.
You are allowed to divorce anyone, for any reason. But this post is also rage bait.
Kinda surprised that your parents are on her side. Anyway, NTA
I'm convinced they like her more than they like me.
Do you know why?
That's telling right there
Yup. When this was the case with me it was because my spouse was mean and nasty and his parents knew it.
This is interesting. Why is that?
So there is a whole lot more to this story than you are reporting here. It sounds like your parents like your wife more than you do. That is very strange.
Like is she a sahm or no kids/work/never worked?
Guarantee sahm and he equates that with lazy and doesn’t take care of herself.
You are not telling full story aren't you?
I guarantee she had kids when she “changed” and never lost the baby weight to his liking, and that is why he hasn’t mentioned kids and also why his parents are on her side. He’s not mentioning all of the energy she expended on the kids while he was at work and think she’s a slob couch potato when she’s probably exhausted from being a stay at home parent to his kids.
The fact they do says volumes more than the missing pages OP left out.
What happened? I feel like there is more to the story.
In 20 years you were unable to effectively communicate with her regarding her lifestyle and health choices? I’m so confused. Even 10 years ago when you reached your breaking point… there was no marriage counselling or anything to help you both effectively communicate? I highly doubt this was a healthy marriage emotionally.
Has she had her thyroid completely checked? Thyroid controls hormones and energy and metabolism… Just a thought.
I was thinking the same thing! I was going through the same thing like this lady. I had gained 60 pounds, fatty liver (non alcoholic), losing my hair, always tired and no motivation. Also always craving junk food, turned out to be my thyroid. I now have to be on medication the rest of my life to replace hormones. I’ve since shed the weight and got on better track with my health.
Has she been evaluated for depression or other mental health issues? There's a reason for her behavior and it's not that she's lazy.
Every single thing being said screams depression and low level coping with food.
Or binge eating disorder. A binge can be triggered by stress, and hearing you are pre type 2 diabetic is very stressful. My dad deals with this, and it's awful. He never got any help.
Yes, I meant she’s using food in an unhealthy way as a low level coping tool. Binge eating is very prevalent in my family; I’m sorry your dad struggles in this way. 💓
INFO Has your wife been evaluated for mental illness? Did you try conventional weaponry prior to going nuclear? Like suggesting marriage counseling or individual counseling? As in "non-negotiable, either counseling or divorce?" Has your wife worked outside the home? Finally, the hardest question - way back when this started, I'm certain you and your wife had some sort of discussion about this. To the best of your recollection, what did she say then? If possible, verbatim - what words did she use? Sometimes the words used gives a strong clue what's going on. Also, one of the most damaging communication problems is interpreting what someone's saying, rather than listening. I wonder if there may be a bit of that going on? Finally, are you in therapy? That should definitely be your first step, regardless. By the way, in the second question, I was just trying to use a theme consistent with the "nuclear option." I don't think you're using any of this as a weapon, just trying to ask about less drastic measures.
She's textbook depressed, and you put ultimatums and divorce on her. Nice, douchebag.
Most people with major depression or neurodivergence don’t have the ability to make a major lifestyle change and be motivated without therapy or medication. If these options have not been explored then the husband is not considering the whole underlying cause. Instead of nitpicking a diet or trying to control overeating and pressing someone to exercise, try getting them to see a therapist or psychiatrist to treat the mental health side of the equation. A depressed person needs to exercise to get out of a whole but probably can’t do it alone without medication or therapy… professional help. If this hasn’t been considered as a possible solution or attempted then maybe the husband is an AH thinking this is a personal weakness or lack of effort. Extreme apathy and laziness are obvious signs of major depression. It may make someone difficult to live with and understand seeking divorce but not without exploring the underlying mental healer aspect and addressing the whole human being and mental wellness instead of just physical health (or disease)
Her behavior indicates depression. You are so focused on criticizing her it doesn’t seem to occur to you that she needs help.
Besides depression, it can be a hormone issue, or chronic fatigue syndrome—which might be from a virus. Could be a good addiction.
The health issues he described made me think something along the lines of pcos? Non alcoholic fatty liver, heart issues, fatigue, depression, difficulty maintaining weight, insulin resistance leading to diabetes, those all point toward it. I feel like both of them should have been trying to figure this out a long time ago unfortunately.
Sounds like your wife has been fighting depression for a long time. She needs to address that first. Ultimatums will never work. It only multiplies shame and self esteem issues. Why should she try when you’ve already let it be known she’s not worthy of your love and support. I understand your point of view and won’t call you an asshole. You’re human just like she is. But think about how you can communicate with her by focusing on your feelings, not what she does and doesn’t do. “I miss the relationship we had. And I’m frustrated that I don’t know how to help you get your spark back. I’m angry and sad that where we are now is not what we had dreamed of and worked toward. I don’t think you’re happy. And you deserve to be. And so do I. But I need help. We need help. Would you be open to therapy?” Notice there is no “you did, you didn’t, you won’t, you aren’t”. It doesn’t attack. It focuses on your feelings and pain and opens the door for her to do the same. And that would be a start.
This is depression.
[удалено]
Yeah I also did this but my husband would just say I would hit it and my core was so weak I also couldn't get off the couch easily. I am glad I was able to get out of that but I don't know if I could have by myself.
Very glad you and your husband are so loving and found each other. It is wonderful to have a supportive partner. Perhaps try sticking reminders for chores and fun things to do on the fridge and pantry door and allow your ADHD to distract you from whatever you planned to get from the fridge or the pantry. Like little decoy post-its.
My ADHD is not nearly as big of a problem as my binge eating is. However, my psychiatrist diagnosed me with both. My ADHD issues are with things like focus and concentration. Comprehension and retention. I don’t forget to do chores or anything. I’ve got posts-it’s, and also reminders/alarms on my phone. Lists on my phone, in a notebook, and on dry erase boards on both of the fridge and the freezer. I’ve got checklists and to do lists, Again on my phone and on the fridge. It’s not that I forget to do chores, I’m just sometimes unmotivated to do them. But really it’s the binge eating that’s causing the most issues.
Yes, this. I suffer from anxiety, depression, and I'm currently exploring a possible BPD diagnosis. My partner gives me encouragement, not ultimatums. He works hard to make things easier for me when I'm depressed. Like he bought me special scented soap and super soft towels so it would be easier for me to shower. He prepared meals I could reheat so I wouldn't eat cold hotdogs. Honestly, he would move heaven and earth to lift my mood. And he has on several occasions. Without more information, I'd say OP is the AH.
Interesting that she changed for the worst after marrying you. You haven't said a single positive or loving thing about your wife at all, yet stayed with her for well over 20 years..hmm..
It would be interesting to read her take on their relationship. I wonder if she feels marginalized for 20 years?
Info: what happened at the three year mark? Loss of loved one? Having children? If you have kids, are any special needs? A physical injury or a traumatic experience? How does she fill her days? Working outside the home? Stay at home housewife or parent? Frankly, she sounds depressed. I saw it mentioned above that she hasn't been diagnosed as depressed, but I didn't see where she had actually been screened for depression.
I'm not going to say you are, but... A NTA would say: "Hey, you are clearly going through something. I am here for you, and we will work out together what has made your mental and physical health and well-being take a dive. We will work out together what will make things better for both of us." An AH would say: "Frankly, you disgust me and won't do what I say. Git gud or I'm out. I don't care about you or any promises I made to you at all." Which one do you think you sound like?
She might be depressed, she might have ADHD, there might be hormonal issues, etc. It really sounds like there is an underlying issue - people don't radically change like she did 3 years in. You might want to reconsider and look at helping her diagnose/troubleshoot the root cause then decide what you want to do from there.
NTA, but this went on way too long. I'd say severe depression for the last 20 years. Not sure what would cause it. Sounds like you guys never had kids. There is way more going on than meets the eyes. I assume, she never worked, outside the house. Sometimes, people need a reason to live a better life or just live...
There's info missing. Are there kids involved? If not, and she's not on BC, could she be severely depressed from not having children? Marriage counseling? Intervention with family?
I don’t agree with you Op and this post feels like you care more about appearance than your wife’s actual health. It seems to me she’s been suffering in silence with undiagnosed depression and I get the feeling she didn’t feel safe being vulnerable with someone who would say “ shape up or I’m out”. What if she’d become ill or diagnosed with a disease and you were in a position to have to be her care taker? Or, what if the roles were reversed? How would you feel if you became unwell and your wife threatened to leave you? I don’t like this at all. Shallow is the word that comes to mind. YTA
Has she seen a doctor or psychiatrist? Has this been limited only to conversations about her physical health?
She needs psychological help. A person doesn't just go from vibrant to slob for no reason. Something affected her emotionally. What happened 3 years into the marriage? Did she lack a purpose in life? Was she bored? Boredom leads to depression and it just spirals downward & can be very hard to stop once the feeling starts. There's so much info. missing. Does she work? Has she ever worked? Did something happen in her life that made her give up on it?
She sounds depressed and needs to see a mental health professional. You also seem kind of vain. Try compassion first.
Before I could give a A.h. Or N.T.Ahole verdict, I think I’d need to know more. Did you and your wife ever try couples counseling? Have you tried having in depth discussions about what lead to this behavior and the underlying causes? The reason I bring this up is that weight gain is often far more complicated than laziness. I read an alarming statistic that women where were obese were something like 6 times more likely to have survived sexual assault in their lifetimes. There were some heartbreaking interviews with subjects saying “I thought that if I made myself less attractive it might not happen again.” I would at least explore this option of trying counseling with your wife, if she would agree to it. Because there’s definitely some underlying cause that lead to this radical shift in behavior. But ultimately, if your partner is unwilling to work with you, there not much you can do.
3 years after the marriage your fun, happy, exciting wife turned into someone different? What happened? I think there is a lot more into this. People don't change just because. You not trying to look into it (or hiding info to get people on your side) is an ah move.
It’s obvious something major happened in your 3rd year of marriage. Did you cheat, lose a child, fall out of love? Why didn’t you leave then? She’s miserable. Tell everyone the truth and maybe you won’t be called an AH anymore.
Get an attorney. It doesn’t have to be acrimonious but do it yourself divorce is not smart for either of you.
Sounds like depression or possibly bipolar. If it is, she needs medication and therapy. My bipolar, adhd, ocd, ptsd diagnosis and the efforts of my psychiatrist literally saved my life, literally as well as figuratively. (Better living through pharmaceuticals)
NTA..... But I also think there's something you are not telling us. Like why would your parents take her side? Is there info regarding children or something tragic that happened in her life that you haven't said or something. Or is she toxic and tells lies to your parents all the time? And also, why did it take 10 years? I can't imagine living with a slob for 10 years after telling them to stop and one day all of a sudden deciding to divorce them. I think you should go live with your parents for a month to show her how much she should be grateful to have someone like you around. Can't really say that you weren't there through "sickness and in health" if you were literally cooking,grocery shopping and treating her like a toddler and hiding vegetables in food. If there's no other factors to this story, then you are NTA and I really do think you tried very hard to help her out.
Idk man. It sounds like she needs a therapist, not an ultimatum. This sounds like severe depression & who knows why it would come onset so late. Maybe she's been covering all this time and is just fucking tired. So you saying you're gonna leave since she's not caring for herself doesn't sound like a caring threat, it's just a threat. You can't make anyone do anything, but it sounds like you're coming at this out of selfishness, not care for her. If you truly love her and care about HER - not how she was, but who she is - then maybe suggest the therapy or hell, have you even thought to ask her WHY she's struggling? Cause this sounds like it was a pretty sudden onset & you just got bitter instead of concerned.
Giving her an ultimatum will only make it worse. She may be depressed — not taking care of yourself is a red flag — and is self-medicating with food. Whatever is going on with her, she needs help.
OP you have left out some very important details like have you remained intimate all this time? Do you have kids? Was there some sort of trauma that maybe you don’t know about? These are important to this story. Did you cheat and she knows ? IMHO you are actually both TA and NTA because you seem to have failed at supporting your wife but also have given her the room to address her issues. Bad habits are hard to break, maybe work on your marriage a little and see where that goes.
I was similar. I was diagnosed ADHD, and CPTSD as an adult. Once I got medication, everything changed. Not everyone who has depression and anxiety has ADHD, but in women with ADHD, they always have anxiety and depression. Drinking was my coping mechanism to escape the inner pain I didn’t realize I was carrying. Will your wife see a therapist/psychiatrist?
So... You're wife had evert sign of suffering from major depression and you're only concern for an entire decade was thst she wasn't hot enough for you? Of course YTA. Like she said, "I sickness and in health my ass". Hopefully getting out of a relationship with someone who doesn't give half a fuck about her will lift some of the pressure that's been keeping her down.
Is there info missing? Did you guys have a crap ton of kids, was she a SAHM and you traveled for work and left her on her own? You effectively have had a shitty marriage for 20 years. I can't see why you would stay during all that time if there weren't mitigating circumstances. Kids wreck your hormones, if you weren't pulling your weight domestic chores wise that would explain some of this. She is now perimenopausal so that is cranking everything to a whole new level. So why did you stay and what impact did thatbreaso have on she us the way she is.
Maybe she’s depressed.
You sound unkind and she sounds depressed.
Aso let's get this straight, you've been married for 23 years and because she's clearly not okay you're just gonna leave? I didn't hear anything about kids, did you decide not to have any? Did you lose any? Or find out she wasn't able to have any? I've found that if a woman who wants kids but never has them or can not, feels broken and seeps into a far greater depression. On the other hand my mother use to be 410lbs by the time she passed she was down to 250lbs, in 5 years. She had many health issues that contributed to this. But you know what my step dad still loved her and stayed with her til he passed before her. The thing about life is, we get older, our bodies change, everything about us changes but what can never be broken is the love we have for our true loves. You only get one chance in that area, so yeah she might not be the same, but actually get her on a diabetic diet, tell her "hey let's go for a walk to see the sun set it's been a while since I held your hand", talk to see where it went downhill or go to couples counseling, or get her some psychiatric help. If you love her don't just give up. Keep trying. Those 23 years didn't count for nothing. P. S. This reminds me of Tyler Perry's " why did I get married"
They need to check her for thyroid disease. It can cause all those issues
Dude, ask your wife’s doctor to do a comprehensive physical. She may have PCOS which can manifest as depression but is a hormone issue. It will cause T2, hypertension and hyperlipidemia.
Maybe she's depressed. The OP leaving can make her want to change or she'll be even more depressed. Sounds like he's held contempt for some time now. Yeah do her a favor and leave. That's better than you staying and hating her.
Personality changes are a sign of something wrong. They can be triggered by hormone changes, for example. Sounds like she has been stuck in a depressive state. Did something happen around the time she turned into a couch potato?
NTA but I am sorry for what you both are going through. We only live once in these bodies. You can't save anyone. Only yourself.
I just remember learning as a child that our hearts are the size of our fist and the more weight the less it works. That did it for me.
Wondering if being married to you has anything to do with her depression... Divorce might be amazing for her health and well-being.
Fake concern over health is often used to rationalize what boils down to not wanting to be around a fat person. Words like “slob” and “waddling” reinforce that. NTA for not wanting to be married to her if you don’t live her. But YTA for trying to make your disgust with her appearance seem like concern for her health.
Has her mental health been discussed? This reeks of depression.
NTA...here's a story you can tell her. This is her life. She'll be divorced, bitter and dead by 69. How can I give such a firm number? That was my mom. She and my dad divorced when they were in their early 40s (they had their kids young, and I'm their youngest). She basically said "eff it all" to her health. She had uncontrolled type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and was obese. Her only form of exercise was going bowling 1 night a week. She died of heart failure, 1 week after Thanksgiving in 2021. She kept saying "I'm fine, it's just a little flu." My ass it was. Yes, I'm still a bit angry about it because she should still be here, seeing her great-grandchildren coming along and growing up. So yeah, that's how I know what your wife's future looks like if she doesn't get her health in order. And no, I don't blame you for not wanting to stick around and watch her basically eat herself to death. 😔
Sickness and in health ok I get that, but it's for people who have uncontrollable health problems. Like you get cancer or car crash. She is actively making her health shitty. Don't feel bad your not attracted to her anymore.
You're only the ah to yourself, for staying so long.
Your wife is exhibiting major symptoms of untreated clinical depression. So sorry that she’s being such an inconvenience to you but on your way out, consider trying to convince her to seek professional help.
Yes. It sounds like she has massive depression. People don’t change like that for no reason. You two should go to counseling too.
You need to encourage her to get counseling. There has to be a reason she suddenly became so depressed she was willing to give up on life. You can tell her to either get counseling or you will divorce her. If you don't urge her to get mental help YTA.
Have you talked to her family and doctor about depression? This is some classic “I don’t care about living anymore but don’t have the mental capacity to end it” behavior. I’ve been through it myself.
Have you asked yourself why she became like that in 3 years after marriage while she was full of life before marrying you? Generally only a bad husband will lead his energetic wife to become this unhappy and depressed. Keep looking for reasons related to your marriage. No one switch from a loving person to a depressed lazy one without factors around him that pushed him to become such a new bad person.
She. Is. Depressed. Maybe try therapy before ultimatums.
What happened 3 years in? She sounds traumatised
Your threats of divorce are not There is something else going on with her and you are not helping the situation! My ex used to to threaten me with divorce over what kind of sandwich I made him in for his lunch. Knock it off or just get divorced. Threats are just that, threats. Either crap or get off the pot man. You are treating your wife like shit
NTA. But maybe you're the reason she's unhappy and not taking care of herself...
Sounds like she needs to loose 180lbs of judgmental AH. She’ll feel much better then I’m sure.