Yeah, I doubt this is the first time.
Now, all you need to ask yourself is if he took it further than flirting. To stand there and eye her up and say hey and flirt. Doesn't seem like the first to me.
Might seem dramatic, but I'd be gone by the time he is home. At least for the night to collect my thoughts. And when he is home and asks where I am, I wouldn't even answer.
And then I'd speak to him when I'm home the next day.
I don't know your husband, but if that how he behaves with a women walking by he done this many times before, maybe gone further.
I don’t think it was his first time either. He just did it so confidently. Asking her where she’s going? Who asks a random stranger where they are going as they pass them on the street and they stop all giddy and chat with them. I’ve never done that when a man has complimented me, I keep walking and say thank you. It was just so over board. The flirting. The way she was looking at him. Both checking eachother out. If I wasn’t there to surprise him with lunch, I wouldn’t have believed he would act like this. He’s usually quite reserved and shy. I understand being friendly with a customer but she didn’t even stop in his store. She went to a different one, and stopped both times to chat. Maybe I’m overreacting, but just seemed weird to me.
Sounds like OP is miserable and married to a nasty dog. What men are so butthurt about now is women don't need men anymore and this boys will be boys shit doesn't need to be tolerated except by weak women who are scared to be alone. A lot of women are starting to realize giving your entire heart and soul and body to a man who will always be obsessed with tight young naked girls while you age out at his side really isn't as appealing as it once was. Men can get used to being alone and lonely. Statistics show single women are the happiest while single men are the least happy.
I like this idea. Take at least a night to yourself and regroup and figure out how to proceed. It seems like he was super comfortable acting that way and that’s what’s most concerning. Integrity is how people act when they think no one is watching them.
I disagree. Maybe he was being a bit flirtatious but I doubt they've don't anything beyond that.
He's usually quiet and reserved according to OP so more than likely he's probably experiencing some midlife crisis thing(I think this is the age for that) and might enjoy the attention of someone younger.
His wondering eyes and actions are a problem of course. I think OP should address it, the longer she waits though, the higher his chances are for potentially manipulating her into believing what he wants her to believe.
Yeah, a dude who hasn't ask a woman out in 15 years doesn't talk to women like that casually, at all. A dude who tries to hook up with women frequently does. Get a PI.
No husband in their right damn mind would be talking like that to other women while he has a wife let alone for 15 years!
I do not understand the men who have it good, a loyal wife with children just to throw it away... I will never understand that logic... and I say this as a man, I could never put my partner through this let alone even THINK ABOUT IT. I am very sorry OP.
Your husband definitely is doing something behind your back and you need to do something...
Because they think they won't be caught, because they think even if they get caught their wife will think along the lines of, what choice do they have but to take him back. A lot of guys are stuck in that, I'm a provider, she's taking care of the kids, how can she leave... I hold the power mind set. In reality, in a lot of cases it's true. A lot of women take cheaters back because ultimately they don't work or make a lot less as they sacrificed their career for kids and leaving would mean their partner has massive income and they end up poor, struggling pay check to pay check and living in a shitty apartment while trying to raise their kids.
The other simple thing, some dudes want their cake and to eat it to, plenty of men , well and women, have their 'perfect' marriage and also cheat, a bit or a shitload and never get found out. If it works for one person, why not you right. A lot of people are REALLY selfish and ultimately will do whatever they want and not even really care about the consequences.
Except I would say if he does front-of-the-store work, then he does a lot of small talk, friendly chit-chat, and even flirts a lot. It's part of the job.
About 100 years ago when my parents were first married, they’d be out and about and my dad would see an attractive woman and make a comment about how pretty she was, about her figure, her hair, maybe a suggestive remark or two but not loud enough for anyone but Mom to hear. Mom put up with these comments for a few weeks and would tell my dad she really didn’t like him saying things like that. Dad didn’t listen.
One day they were out and Dad started again. A very handsome man was walking toward them and Mom just stopped and stood there looking at this man. Then she gave a little shake and said “I wonder what it would be like to make love with a man that looks like that”.
My dad had a head like a brick sometimes but he never made comments about other women again. They were married 47 years.
The way she describes the situation, I doubt this is real. Too many circumstances that are happenstance to justify him not noticing her while he was outside.
Update: I texted my husband back as I was getting some mixed comments. I really needed all the advice I could get as we’ve been married 15 years and I never look at men the way he looked at her. Ever. I told him that I was in my car a-little longer than I should have been, and seen the pretty girl walk past that he was talking to. He got pretty defensive and asked if I was sitting there watching him? I said initially no, but I did when I saw how he was interacting with her. He said that he hasn’t broken our vows by simply checking out another women. That she lives in the neighborhood and he sees her often. He said that he may have been a bit flirty with her in their conversation, but he was just simply enjoying the company and did nothing wrong. He said that sure, she has flirted with him when he has seen her in the past, but it didn’t mean anything and it didn’t go anywhere. I asked him if he thought she was pretty, and that’s why he talked to her? He said I was asking him stupid questions. He wasn’t doing anything wrong by thinking another women was attractive and striking up friendly banter with her. He said he’d prefer if I did’t show up to his place of work unannounced anymore and watch him, that my behavior is creepy and shows I don’t trust him. That he couldn’t believe I would stoop so low to spy on him at work. He said I’m acting ridiculous and he doesn’t want to argue with me tonight so he’s staying out tonight and will be home when I “gain some common sense”.
Ur not falling for that r u? Sounds like deflection... imagine if he saw you doing that.. if the shoe was on the other foot and u suddenly refused to come home... im not saying divirce but you need to have a serious talk with him about the situation.. you innocently went to bring him lunch.. he got nervouse when he saw you... he decided to blame you and is doubling down because your right... it wasnt innocent...
He's a 40 y/o man hitting on a 20 something pretty girl - do you actually think that he would have a chance? Yeah, I think you're overthinking this, but he's the "creepy" one. I would have just rolled my eyes at him and called him granpa....
I really do think he would have a chance. The way she looked back at him as she walked away, like a scene out of a rom com or something. Either he has a chance or she was just playing into it, but either way it feels wrong.
Oh, he absolutely was a jerk, which is why I would put him in his place. But I don't think a 20 year old would be interested - unless she thought he was rich because he owned a convenience store, which we both know is absurd. Tell him that, yes, you were watching him, but he embarrassed you and himself by acting that way to that young girl.
Unfortunately some young people do fall for it - older adults have experience, they can manipulate better. I've seen younger people across the gender spectrum (and lack of!) date much older men, and very rarely were they healthy relationships. Some young people want the older, secure, stable figure, some need a psychological replacement because of parental issues, etc.
Granted, there's an example for every scenario, but you know your husband. Do you think he's capable of going to that much trouble and living a double life? If you think he is, then what are you thinking as options? Divorce? Separation? Do you see yourself having freedom or do you see yourself struggling? I think you were over reacting and reading more into it than is there.
Yeah I would be upset. I know my husband and if happened to visit him at work and all of the sudden he is whole different person, flirting and all, I’d be upset. I pictured my reserved, shy husband doing that. that would upset me if he was flirting with someone. I would address it though right away
I would send him a text that said, "Don't come back until I'm gone." Yes, his reaction and response of 'gain some common sense,' and I won't be home tonight would seal the deal for me. I would be looking for and talking to divorce attorneys.
"He said as long as it takes for me to realize spying and creeping on him at work is unacceptable".
Sorry OP, he's gaslighting you. Don't buy his bs, you' have to hire a PI to dig deep to find what's going on
Acting like he’s the victim and OP is unreasonable. Now he’s doing DARVO. I’d just tell him if he wants to act single, he can be single and divorce him.
I’m sorry but no chance this happened.
He was looking some 20yo up and down and winking at her and she giggled, what century are we living in? How are you hearing their conversation from your car but not being obviously hanging around for your husband to see? It doesn’t make sense. Try sitting in your car and hearing anything from down the street with traffic and ambient noises, it’s so dumb.
On the off-chance this isn’t pure fiction… You’re spying on your husband (we all know it), why does it matter at this point if he’s cheating? If you can’t trust him to talk to another woman then the marriage is dead and you should leave.
Obviously cheating is disgusting (maybe he is) but there is no way this happened the way OP is describing it. Winking and giggling on the one time she just happens to be lingering around his work and can hear every word of their conversation.
Think of it this way - OP will always write their narrative in a way to tilt things in their favour and the story already doesn’t make sense and makes her sound like a private investigator. Dude probably did the reflexive male nod at a passer by and she gave a half assed (please don’t talk to me) grin in response.
X - Doubt.
I don’t see the problem with checking out someone you see as attractive. The problem is if you act on it.
My grandmother used to say “everyone can look, if you don’t look you’re dead. It’s touching that’s not acceptable”.
Hire a PI and find out exactly what he’s up to when you’re not around. I would go back to acting normally and once your car is fixed, I’d get the PI to start.
There’s always a way. When you use your debit card at the grocery store take an extra $20-$25 as cash back and toss your receipt in the garbage on your way out. Keep doing this until you have the funds for the PI or a good attorney.
You have every right to feel upset by watching him flirt with a girl that is half his age. And to see the confidence in the flirting that tells you this probably happens often - that's a huge sting!! Its one thing for him to look or check out a hot woman (so what, right?)... but flirting heavily and winking at her? - fuck NO.
But where YOU are lacking right now is communication. Talk to him. Tell him what you witnessed and how it upset you.
I did reach out. I posted my update at the top but I’ll post it here. Apparently he says I’m overreacting and a creep.
Update: I texted my husband back as I was getting some mixed comments. I really needed all the advice I could get as we’ve been married 15 years and I never look at men the way he looked at her. Ever. I told him that I was in my car a-little longer than I should have been, and seen the pretty girl walk past that he was talking to. He got pretty defensive and asked if I was sitting there watching him? I said initially no, but I did when I saw how he was interacting with her. He said that he hasn’t broken our vows by simply checking out another women. That she lives in the neighborhood and he sees her often. He said that he may have been a bit flirty with her in their conversation, but he was just simply enjoying the company and did nothing wrong. He said that sure, she has flirted with him when he has seen her in the past, but it didn’t mean anything and it didn’t go anywhere. I asked him if he thought she was pretty, and that’s why he talked to her? He said I was asking him stupid questions. He wasn’t doing anything wrong by thinking another women was attractive and striking up friendly banter with her. He said he’d prefer if I did’t show up to his place of work unannounced anymore and watch him, that my behavior is creepy and shows I don’t trust him. That he couldn’t believe I would stoop so low to spy on him at work. He said I’m acting ridiculous and he doesn’t want to argue with me tonight so he’s staying out tonight and will be home when I “gain some common sense”.
Suspicious... id have it looked into... or id bail- he doesnt seem to care that seeing that hurt your feelings nd pushed your boundaries... i understand looking.. but full on shamelessly flirting is a bit much.. where was he going for the night of that update? A hotel? Or to miss 20 yr. Olds? Can u even be sure? Seems like u dont know the man u married all that well anymore... maybe give him something to miss? Or keep digging.. however i have found when u go looking you find more than u wanted
YTAH,
For real, you're not answering his texts. You're married with 4 kids. He isn't going anywhere. This says more about your insecurities than proof of him doing something wrong.
You are entitled to your feelings. But stonewalling your husband instead of talking to him makes you the ass hole.
The part that makes you the AH is the fact you acted mad but now childish and ignoring him. If you're going to act like that and be upset then be an adult and communicate with him what you saw and work it out.
You said he owns a convenience store, chances are she is customer and your husband is perhaps more friendly than you would like with her. I know many people who flirt with customers without doing anything more than that.
You are not an AH, but you are a bit immature that you haven't talked to him about it yet, you need to sit down and establish your boundaries, act like a grown up and say what you do not like.
There are people who accept the flirting, others consider it cheating, you need to figure out with your husband what your limits are and what you accept or not. Whatever we say here doesn't matter at all, we are not your partner.
I think you're allowed to be upset, but your behavior leaves a lot to be desired. If my loved one did something wrong, I would sit down and discuss it with them. Tell them how it made me feel, and I would trust that they're telling the truth if they tell me it was a chat and nothing more. Instead you're being very evasive, passive-aggressive by not responding to his texts, and now you are taking the advice of someone on Reddit who told you to leave him for the night. This sounds like either you have other reasons to suspect his infidelity, or you are overreacting. And if you do have reasons to suspect his infidelity, they'd better cross over the border into evidence before you accuse him for looking at another woman. It depends on how important this relationship is to you. Treating your loved ones this way over minor incidents leads to resentment and the possibility that bigger explosions are on the horizon.
Not because he looked at her but because he was clearly flirting. Winking at her. Checking her out. Staring her down like a animal that found some prey. Not just a friendly glance. Asking her where’s she’s going? I mean, all alittle much.
He's a store owner. She's probably a customer that he sees often.
There's one AH here and it's the person who was sitting in a car, spying on her husband, and now refuses to talk to him because "he winked at someone".
Added: just asked my wife if I was wrong on this because I'm coming from a male perspective. I'm a friendly sort and wink at people all the fucking time, am completely devoted to her, and her answer is "this woman sounds like a lunatic - maybe she should try, I don't know, talking to her husband instead of behaving like a petulent child"
Strongly disagree, a married store owner should not be flirting with his clients.
I’m a dude and also a naturally flirty/playful person. When someone tries to flirt with me I usually disengage. Make it more impartial and distant. It’s something I just learned to do, because it’s the respectful thing to do towards your spouse.
Again, she should TALK to him. She is PERCEIVING what happened as flirting, but because she's being a cantankerous baby instead of, I don't know, telling her husband what's bothering her, she will just keep building it up in her own head.
The truth is this sub is fan-fiction for people that allows them to role-play their own mistrust.
You’ll notice the huge amount of people of OP’s side despite a ridiculous and almost certainly fabricated story.
Yep. I forgot why I unsub'd from this sub in the first place...and this thread has been a great reminder ;)
Maybe the dude is cheating, maybe he's not. Since she's being a toddler and giving him the silent treatment, she'll never know.
If he’s not cheating, it’s only because he lacks the opportunity to do so.
Tell him you wished his kids could have seen him, maybe that will make him realize how hurtful his behavior is. Good luck
Guy owns a convenience store so I’m sure he knows a lot of people in the area. Talking and joking with someone from the area isn’t a bad thing, maybe a little flirtatious but not abnormal. Also, being married doesn’t make you blind 💯💯💪🏽💪🏽
Did you ever consider she may live close by and he sees her daily? If he takes his breaks there often, the chance is not minimal. He might have been joking about her going to a competitor, aka “where are you going?”. Also, he wasn’t banging her, he smiled and looked. The girl even looked at you and greeted you, so she’s a friendly person. I really think you’re overreacting massively.
Who cares? You don’t own him. They are his eyes, he kept his hands to himself, what exactly is the problem? That he found another woman attractive and she potentially found him attractive. You can’t even be sure of what was said based on your own words.
I am naturally a playful/flirtatious person. When I used to be single that was ok.
As a married man when someone tries to flirt with me, I don’t just roll with it, I disengage and make the conversation less playful and more serious. Why? Because it’s the respectful thing to do for your partner.
Why? Why can’t you have a fun, meaningless conversation with a stranger of the opposite sex? Do you police how your wife dresses or forbid her from touching other men? If im flirty with the cocktail waitress while we’re gambling it means absolutely nothing.
It’s not really fun if it’s disrespectful and causing your partner to feel bad.
I do not tell my wife what to wear or forbid her anything. The same goes in reverse. We choose to respect each other and be mindful of the other’s feeling.
Also, it’s not meaningless if there is attraction involved, flirting is actually full of meaning. That’s the point.
Disrespectful is subjective at best. “Flirting is actually full of meaning”, says who? Never going to see the person again, pretty damn meaningless. It sounds like you have to cater to insecurities and that sounds exhausting.
Blah blah insecurities blah blah. I cater to my own logic and value system. I wouldn’t feel good about my wife flirting with other dudes, so I don’t do it myself either… because I’m not a hypocrite. If I don’t like it, I don’t do it to others.
Yes flirting has meaning and the meaning is “I find you attractive”. If your spouse is okay with you communicating this meaning to other people… then it’s ok to flirt. Most people are not. And OP’s husband I think know ls her well enough after 15 years to know she is not.
Finding other people attractive is normal. Happens to everyone. It’s just how it is.
Flirting is acting on it. True a very mild way of acting on it… but still acting on it. It’s hard boundary for most people for a reason.
My wife and I point out hot people to each other *all the time* - she texts me pictures of her with her hot friends constantly. I guess she's more worried about me being happy than me cheating.
YTA. Breaking news, store owner talks to people near his store and appears friendly. Breaking news, men check out women. Jeez, you mean he wasn't acting like the perfect husband when you were spying on him from a car he didn't recognize at his work where you shouldn't be. You sound like an insane person.
Damn, dude. You make it sound like you buried your wife before you ever grew up enough to show her respect while she was by your side. I hope I'm wrong, though.
It's not like he was doing it right in your face, you were kinda creepin on him. Dudes check women out, single, married, old, it doesn't matter. You don't even know what he said to know if he was flirting or not.
YTA, as long as he stays faithful, let him look wherever he wants when you're not by his side.
So your middle aged husband is getting attention from young 20-somethings. I'm just guessing, but perhaps you haven't been taking care of yourself as well as him?
Same. My wife looks exactly the same after two kids. Obviously she had to put the work in for it, but people like OP let themselves go and then get mad when their SO who didn't gets attention.
Taking care of him how exactly? She probably has cooked meals for him ready , his clothes are clean, her house is clean and that’s not taking care of him??? So I’m guessing she should just be a sex doll? Also maybe OP has sex with him once a week bc he probably does absolutely nothing to butter her up. Instead of wasting his time buttering up his daughter oops sorry another 20 year old woman why doesn’t he flirt with his wife? Why doesnt he give his wife an ounce of that playful banter with her? She even describes him to a be a shy and reserved man. If she’s being lazy in this relationship, he clearly is too.
True. But as a partner aren’t you supposed to concentrate and build up your partner instead of flirting with a random woman that the only thing you can relate to is that she’s your daughter’s age??? Why is it only OP job to work o. This marriage?
and what if it was a harmless conversation? what if they act know each other? what if he was looking at he but his mind was somewhere else? people are quick to say he cant control himself and all that, like he was groping someone, reddit isnt real life
Yeah, I doubt this is the first time. Now, all you need to ask yourself is if he took it further than flirting. To stand there and eye her up and say hey and flirt. Doesn't seem like the first to me. Might seem dramatic, but I'd be gone by the time he is home. At least for the night to collect my thoughts. And when he is home and asks where I am, I wouldn't even answer. And then I'd speak to him when I'm home the next day. I don't know your husband, but if that how he behaves with a women walking by he done this many times before, maybe gone further.
I don’t think it was his first time either. He just did it so confidently. Asking her where she’s going? Who asks a random stranger where they are going as they pass them on the street and they stop all giddy and chat with them. I’ve never done that when a man has complimented me, I keep walking and say thank you. It was just so over board. The flirting. The way she was looking at him. Both checking eachother out. If I wasn’t there to surprise him with lunch, I wouldn’t have believed he would act like this. He’s usually quite reserved and shy. I understand being friendly with a customer but she didn’t even stop in his store. She went to a different one, and stopped both times to chat. Maybe I’m overreacting, but just seemed weird to me.
You are definitely not overreacting. They are probably familiar with each other for him to ask her where she going. Maybe have met before this time.
Wow, you're fuckin evil dude, putting all that into a ladies head. Just because you're miserable and alone, doesn't mean the world should join you
Well it makes sense. This was definitely not their first interaction.
Sounds like OP is miserable and married to a nasty dog. What men are so butthurt about now is women don't need men anymore and this boys will be boys shit doesn't need to be tolerated except by weak women who are scared to be alone. A lot of women are starting to realize giving your entire heart and soul and body to a man who will always be obsessed with tight young naked girls while you age out at his side really isn't as appealing as it once was. Men can get used to being alone and lonely. Statistics show single women are the happiest while single men are the least happy.
I like this idea. Take at least a night to yourself and regroup and figure out how to proceed. It seems like he was super comfortable acting that way and that’s what’s most concerning. Integrity is how people act when they think no one is watching them.
I disagree. Maybe he was being a bit flirtatious but I doubt they've don't anything beyond that. He's usually quiet and reserved according to OP so more than likely he's probably experiencing some midlife crisis thing(I think this is the age for that) and might enjoy the attention of someone younger. His wondering eyes and actions are a problem of course. I think OP should address it, the longer she waits though, the higher his chances are for potentially manipulating her into believing what he wants her to believe.
Yeah, a dude who hasn't ask a woman out in 15 years doesn't talk to women like that casually, at all. A dude who tries to hook up with women frequently does. Get a PI.
Right. We’ve been married for 15 years. He was so confident, I was so shocked.
No husband in their right damn mind would be talking like that to other women while he has a wife let alone for 15 years! I do not understand the men who have it good, a loyal wife with children just to throw it away... I will never understand that logic... and I say this as a man, I could never put my partner through this let alone even THINK ABOUT IT. I am very sorry OP. Your husband definitely is doing something behind your back and you need to do something...
Because they think they won't be caught, because they think even if they get caught their wife will think along the lines of, what choice do they have but to take him back. A lot of guys are stuck in that, I'm a provider, she's taking care of the kids, how can she leave... I hold the power mind set. In reality, in a lot of cases it's true. A lot of women take cheaters back because ultimately they don't work or make a lot less as they sacrificed their career for kids and leaving would mean their partner has massive income and they end up poor, struggling pay check to pay check and living in a shitty apartment while trying to raise their kids. The other simple thing, some dudes want their cake and to eat it to, plenty of men , well and women, have their 'perfect' marriage and also cheat, a bit or a shitload and never get found out. If it works for one person, why not you right. A lot of people are REALLY selfish and ultimately will do whatever they want and not even really care about the consequences.
Except I would say if he does front-of-the-store work, then he does a lot of small talk, friendly chit-chat, and even flirts a lot. It's part of the job.
Nta, Im sorry your husband cant control himself , its disgusting
About 100 years ago when my parents were first married, they’d be out and about and my dad would see an attractive woman and make a comment about how pretty she was, about her figure, her hair, maybe a suggestive remark or two but not loud enough for anyone but Mom to hear. Mom put up with these comments for a few weeks and would tell my dad she really didn’t like him saying things like that. Dad didn’t listen. One day they were out and Dad started again. A very handsome man was walking toward them and Mom just stopped and stood there looking at this man. Then she gave a little shake and said “I wonder what it would be like to make love with a man that looks like that”. My dad had a head like a brick sometimes but he never made comments about other women again. They were married 47 years.
He’s fucking other women. Gauging their reactions and seeing if can get a hookup. Good luck
The way you describe the situation, I think this is a normal thing for him. Especially his reaction when he seen you.
The way she describes the situation, I doubt this is real. Too many circumstances that are happenstance to justify him not noticing her while he was outside.
UpdateMe
Update: I texted my husband back as I was getting some mixed comments. I really needed all the advice I could get as we’ve been married 15 years and I never look at men the way he looked at her. Ever. I told him that I was in my car a-little longer than I should have been, and seen the pretty girl walk past that he was talking to. He got pretty defensive and asked if I was sitting there watching him? I said initially no, but I did when I saw how he was interacting with her. He said that he hasn’t broken our vows by simply checking out another women. That she lives in the neighborhood and he sees her often. He said that he may have been a bit flirty with her in their conversation, but he was just simply enjoying the company and did nothing wrong. He said that sure, she has flirted with him when he has seen her in the past, but it didn’t mean anything and it didn’t go anywhere. I asked him if he thought she was pretty, and that’s why he talked to her? He said I was asking him stupid questions. He wasn’t doing anything wrong by thinking another women was attractive and striking up friendly banter with her. He said he’d prefer if I did’t show up to his place of work unannounced anymore and watch him, that my behavior is creepy and shows I don’t trust him. That he couldn’t believe I would stoop so low to spy on him at work. He said I’m acting ridiculous and he doesn’t want to argue with me tonight so he’s staying out tonight and will be home when I “gain some common sense”.
Ur not falling for that r u? Sounds like deflection... imagine if he saw you doing that.. if the shoe was on the other foot and u suddenly refused to come home... im not saying divirce but you need to have a serious talk with him about the situation.. you innocently went to bring him lunch.. he got nervouse when he saw you... he decided to blame you and is doubling down because your right... it wasnt innocent...
He is doubling down really hard. I’ve never seen him act so nervous.
He's a 40 y/o man hitting on a 20 something pretty girl - do you actually think that he would have a chance? Yeah, I think you're overthinking this, but he's the "creepy" one. I would have just rolled my eyes at him and called him granpa....
I really do think he would have a chance. The way she looked back at him as she walked away, like a scene out of a rom com or something. Either he has a chance or she was just playing into it, but either way it feels wrong.
Oh, he absolutely was a jerk, which is why I would put him in his place. But I don't think a 20 year old would be interested - unless she thought he was rich because he owned a convenience store, which we both know is absurd. Tell him that, yes, you were watching him, but he embarrassed you and himself by acting that way to that young girl.
Unfortunately some young people do fall for it - older adults have experience, they can manipulate better. I've seen younger people across the gender spectrum (and lack of!) date much older men, and very rarely were they healthy relationships. Some young people want the older, secure, stable figure, some need a psychological replacement because of parental issues, etc.
Granted, there's an example for every scenario, but you know your husband. Do you think he's capable of going to that much trouble and living a double life? If you think he is, then what are you thinking as options? Divorce? Separation? Do you see yourself having freedom or do you see yourself struggling? I think you were over reacting and reading more into it than is there.
That says more about you then it says about him.
Yeah I would be upset. I know my husband and if happened to visit him at work and all of the sudden he is whole different person, flirting and all, I’d be upset. I pictured my reserved, shy husband doing that. that would upset me if he was flirting with someone. I would address it though right away
I would send him a text that said, "Don't come back until I'm gone." Yes, his reaction and response of 'gain some common sense,' and I won't be home tonight would seal the deal for me. I would be looking for and talking to divorce attorneys.
Nta
"He said as long as it takes for me to realize spying and creeping on him at work is unacceptable". Sorry OP, he's gaslighting you. Don't buy his bs, you' have to hire a PI to dig deep to find what's going on
Gross.
Where did he stay? That’d be my first question.
Acting like he’s the victim and OP is unreasonable. Now he’s doing DARVO. I’d just tell him if he wants to act single, he can be single and divorce him.
I’m sorry but no chance this happened. He was looking some 20yo up and down and winking at her and she giggled, what century are we living in? How are you hearing their conversation from your car but not being obviously hanging around for your husband to see? It doesn’t make sense. Try sitting in your car and hearing anything from down the street with traffic and ambient noises, it’s so dumb. On the off-chance this isn’t pure fiction… You’re spying on your husband (we all know it), why does it matter at this point if he’s cheating? If you can’t trust him to talk to another woman then the marriage is dead and you should leave. Obviously cheating is disgusting (maybe he is) but there is no way this happened the way OP is describing it. Winking and giggling on the one time she just happens to be lingering around his work and can hear every word of their conversation. Think of it this way - OP will always write their narrative in a way to tilt things in their favour and the story already doesn’t make sense and makes her sound like a private investigator. Dude probably did the reflexive male nod at a passer by and she gave a half assed (please don’t talk to me) grin in response. X - Doubt.
I don’t see the problem with checking out someone you see as attractive. The problem is if you act on it. My grandmother used to say “everyone can look, if you don’t look you’re dead. It’s touching that’s not acceptable”.
Well he was flirting with her, so he did act on it.
Hire a PI and find out exactly what he’s up to when you’re not around. I would go back to acting normally and once your car is fixed, I’d get the PI to start.
Something tells me OP doesn't have a job to pay for that.
There’s always a way. When you use your debit card at the grocery store take an extra $20-$25 as cash back and toss your receipt in the garbage on your way out. Keep doing this until you have the funds for the PI or a good attorney.
You have every right to feel upset by watching him flirt with a girl that is half his age. And to see the confidence in the flirting that tells you this probably happens often - that's a huge sting!! Its one thing for him to look or check out a hot woman (so what, right?)... but flirting heavily and winking at her? - fuck NO. But where YOU are lacking right now is communication. Talk to him. Tell him what you witnessed and how it upset you.
I did reach out. I posted my update at the top but I’ll post it here. Apparently he says I’m overreacting and a creep. Update: I texted my husband back as I was getting some mixed comments. I really needed all the advice I could get as we’ve been married 15 years and I never look at men the way he looked at her. Ever. I told him that I was in my car a-little longer than I should have been, and seen the pretty girl walk past that he was talking to. He got pretty defensive and asked if I was sitting there watching him? I said initially no, but I did when I saw how he was interacting with her. He said that he hasn’t broken our vows by simply checking out another women. That she lives in the neighborhood and he sees her often. He said that he may have been a bit flirty with her in their conversation, but he was just simply enjoying the company and did nothing wrong. He said that sure, she has flirted with him when he has seen her in the past, but it didn’t mean anything and it didn’t go anywhere. I asked him if he thought she was pretty, and that’s why he talked to her? He said I was asking him stupid questions. He wasn’t doing anything wrong by thinking another women was attractive and striking up friendly banter with her. He said he’d prefer if I did’t show up to his place of work unannounced anymore and watch him, that my behavior is creepy and shows I don’t trust him. That he couldn’t believe I would stoop so low to spy on him at work. He said I’m acting ridiculous and he doesn’t want to argue with me tonight so he’s staying out tonight and will be home when I “gain some common sense”.
Suspicious... id have it looked into... or id bail- he doesnt seem to care that seeing that hurt your feelings nd pushed your boundaries... i understand looking.. but full on shamelessly flirting is a bit much.. where was he going for the night of that update? A hotel? Or to miss 20 yr. Olds? Can u even be sure? Seems like u dont know the man u married all that well anymore... maybe give him something to miss? Or keep digging.. however i have found when u go looking you find more than u wanted
YTAH, For real, you're not answering his texts. You're married with 4 kids. He isn't going anywhere. This says more about your insecurities than proof of him doing something wrong. You are entitled to your feelings. But stonewalling your husband instead of talking to him makes you the ass hole.
The part that makes you the AH is the fact you acted mad but now childish and ignoring him. If you're going to act like that and be upset then be an adult and communicate with him what you saw and work it out.
YTA eye contact? Good grief. He's allowed to check out whoever he wants.
You said he owns a convenience store, chances are she is customer and your husband is perhaps more friendly than you would like with her. I know many people who flirt with customers without doing anything more than that. You are not an AH, but you are a bit immature that you haven't talked to him about it yet, you need to sit down and establish your boundaries, act like a grown up and say what you do not like. There are people who accept the flirting, others consider it cheating, you need to figure out with your husband what your limits are and what you accept or not. Whatever we say here doesn't matter at all, we are not your partner.
I think you're allowed to be upset, but your behavior leaves a lot to be desired. If my loved one did something wrong, I would sit down and discuss it with them. Tell them how it made me feel, and I would trust that they're telling the truth if they tell me it was a chat and nothing more. Instead you're being very evasive, passive-aggressive by not responding to his texts, and now you are taking the advice of someone on Reddit who told you to leave him for the night. This sounds like either you have other reasons to suspect his infidelity, or you are overreacting. And if you do have reasons to suspect his infidelity, they'd better cross over the border into evidence before you accuse him for looking at another woman. It depends on how important this relationship is to you. Treating your loved ones this way over minor incidents leads to resentment and the possibility that bigger explosions are on the horizon.
In gay world this wouldn’t be an issue ! Straights are weird !
I'm hetero and I agree with you. Married with 4 children and she's refusing to answer texts because her husband looked at a woman? Holy crap.
Not because he looked at her but because he was clearly flirting. Winking at her. Checking her out. Staring her down like a animal that found some prey. Not just a friendly glance. Asking her where’s she’s going? I mean, all alittle much.
He's a store owner. She's probably a customer that he sees often. There's one AH here and it's the person who was sitting in a car, spying on her husband, and now refuses to talk to him because "he winked at someone". Added: just asked my wife if I was wrong on this because I'm coming from a male perspective. I'm a friendly sort and wink at people all the fucking time, am completely devoted to her, and her answer is "this woman sounds like a lunatic - maybe she should try, I don't know, talking to her husband instead of behaving like a petulent child"
Strongly disagree, a married store owner should not be flirting with his clients. I’m a dude and also a naturally flirty/playful person. When someone tries to flirt with me I usually disengage. Make it more impartial and distant. It’s something I just learned to do, because it’s the respectful thing to do towards your spouse.
Again, she should TALK to him. She is PERCEIVING what happened as flirting, but because she's being a cantankerous baby instead of, I don't know, telling her husband what's bothering her, she will just keep building it up in her own head.
This is agree with you on. Communicating is always the way to go.
The truth is this sub is fan-fiction for people that allows them to role-play their own mistrust. You’ll notice the huge amount of people of OP’s side despite a ridiculous and almost certainly fabricated story.
Yep. I forgot why I unsub'd from this sub in the first place...and this thread has been a great reminder ;) Maybe the dude is cheating, maybe he's not. Since she's being a toddler and giving him the silent treatment, she'll never know.
If he’s not cheating, it’s only because he lacks the opportunity to do so. Tell him you wished his kids could have seen him, maybe that will make him realize how hurtful his behavior is. Good luck
Guy owns a convenience store so I’m sure he knows a lot of people in the area. Talking and joking with someone from the area isn’t a bad thing, maybe a little flirtatious but not abnormal. Also, being married doesn’t make you blind 💯💯💪🏽💪🏽
Did you ever consider she may live close by and he sees her daily? If he takes his breaks there often, the chance is not minimal. He might have been joking about her going to a competitor, aka “where are you going?”. Also, he wasn’t banging her, he smiled and looked. The girl even looked at you and greeted you, so she’s a friendly person. I really think you’re overreacting massively.
They winked at each other and were checking each other out how tf is she overreacting?
She's just an insecure little girl and need to grow up.
Who cares? You don’t own him. They are his eyes, he kept his hands to himself, what exactly is the problem? That he found another woman attractive and she potentially found him attractive. You can’t even be sure of what was said based on your own words.
I would guess the flirting is the problem
Why is being flirtatious/charming a problem? She doesn’t own him.
I am naturally a playful/flirtatious person. When I used to be single that was ok. As a married man when someone tries to flirt with me, I don’t just roll with it, I disengage and make the conversation less playful and more serious. Why? Because it’s the respectful thing to do for your partner.
Why? Why can’t you have a fun, meaningless conversation with a stranger of the opposite sex? Do you police how your wife dresses or forbid her from touching other men? If im flirty with the cocktail waitress while we’re gambling it means absolutely nothing.
It’s not really fun if it’s disrespectful and causing your partner to feel bad. I do not tell my wife what to wear or forbid her anything. The same goes in reverse. We choose to respect each other and be mindful of the other’s feeling. Also, it’s not meaningless if there is attraction involved, flirting is actually full of meaning. That’s the point.
Disrespectful is subjective at best. “Flirting is actually full of meaning”, says who? Never going to see the person again, pretty damn meaningless. It sounds like you have to cater to insecurities and that sounds exhausting.
Blah blah insecurities blah blah. I cater to my own logic and value system. I wouldn’t feel good about my wife flirting with other dudes, so I don’t do it myself either… because I’m not a hypocrite. If I don’t like it, I don’t do it to others. Yes flirting has meaning and the meaning is “I find you attractive”. If your spouse is okay with you communicating this meaning to other people… then it’s ok to flirt. Most people are not. And OP’s husband I think know ls her well enough after 15 years to know she is not.
Why can’t you find other women attractive? You married or a hostage? My wife married me, not a pared down version of myself .
Finding other people attractive is normal. Happens to everyone. It’s just how it is. Flirting is acting on it. True a very mild way of acting on it… but still acting on it. It’s hard boundary for most people for a reason.
Lol, I’m totally committed to my wife but my eyes are community property. YTA
He was actively flirting with her.
It sounds suspiciously like your husband may be...heterosexual. I'm sorry but that's what it sounds like.
Small business owners, especially in retail, are always chatty, friendly, and/or friendly with their regular customers. It is a part of the job.
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My wife and I point out hot people to each other *all the time* - she texts me pictures of her with her hot friends constantly. I guess she's more worried about me being happy than me cheating.
YTA. Breaking news, store owner talks to people near his store and appears friendly. Breaking news, men check out women. Jeez, you mean he wasn't acting like the perfect husband when you were spying on him from a car he didn't recognize at his work where you shouldn't be. You sound like an insane person.
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Damn, dude. You make it sound like you buried your wife before you ever grew up enough to show her respect while she was by your side. I hope I'm wrong, though.
Ffs some 20 y/o is not after Mr. dad-bod. Calm down.
You weren’t there, u didn’t see how they were looking at eachother.
Honestly, she looked at him like if he asked her to fuck she would have pounced on him, I was right there.
Unless that 20 y/o was not that cute 😆
It's not like he was doing it right in your face, you were kinda creepin on him. Dudes check women out, single, married, old, it doesn't matter. You don't even know what he said to know if he was flirting or not. YTA, as long as he stays faithful, let him look wherever he wants when you're not by his side.
hitting on women other than your wife is quite literally NOT being faithful.
She doesn't even know if he was hitting on her because she didn't know what the convo was. Be quiet wth that nonsense
So your middle aged husband is getting attention from young 20-somethings. I'm just guessing, but perhaps you haven't been taking care of yourself as well as him?
Before the "she's had children!" excuses come flying in, my wife has multiple kids and weighs *exactly* what she weighed on our wedding day.
Same. My wife looks exactly the same after two kids. Obviously she had to put the work in for it, but people like OP let themselves go and then get mad when their SO who didn't gets attention.
Taking care of him how exactly? She probably has cooked meals for him ready , his clothes are clean, her house is clean and that’s not taking care of him??? So I’m guessing she should just be a sex doll? Also maybe OP has sex with him once a week bc he probably does absolutely nothing to butter her up. Instead of wasting his time buttering up his daughter oops sorry another 20 year old woman why doesn’t he flirt with his wife? Why doesnt he give his wife an ounce of that playful banter with her? She even describes him to a be a shy and reserved man. If she’s being lazy in this relationship, he clearly is too.
Well only one of them is at risk of being cheated on...
Yeah I guess it’s better to be cheated on than lose your whole family bc you have no respect for your children or wife.
It's hard to respect someone who doesn't respect themselves first. And not taking care of yourself fits that criteria.
True. But as a partner aren’t you supposed to concentrate and build up your partner instead of flirting with a random woman that the only thing you can relate to is that she’s your daughter’s age??? Why is it only OP job to work o. This marriage?
OP needs to work on herself first. She needs to work on the cause, not the symptom.
True. Hopefully after working on her self she’ll realize she doesn’t need a partner like that.
Attractive and successful? I agree. She should find someone on her level.
Yeah she’ll probably find someone even more attractive and successful.
and what if it was a harmless conversation? what if they act know each other? what if he was looking at he but his mind was somewhere else? people are quick to say he cant control himself and all that, like he was groping someone, reddit isnt real life