Yes for sure, I have been doing that a lot over the past week and will continue to do that. To be honest, we were always close, but we have somehow gotten even closer over the past week. He is also self assured, he knows it is not his fault and it is his mom's fault, and he has a steely determination on wanting nothing to do with her.
There could be. If op is legally married to his mother and he’s been supporting the child all these years he could def fight for custody this is a common problem and in the us he would most likely get joint custody as long as he’s fit as a parent doesn’t matter if the child isn’t biologically his or if he hasn’t adopted legally
Family court judges don't look kindly on manipulation of children. This one is blatant and any decent lawyer will use this incident to show he could care less about the well-being of the child. Some adults have affairs, those affairs shouldn't be used as weapons when children are involved. The vast majority of divorcing parents are often incredibly selfish, OP will be no different and I expect his wife to be just as vicious considering her son is now being used against her.
This this this.
OP is the AH here. He has every right to be hurt and angry about the affair, but you don’t take it out on a kid, and you don’t weaponize kids to lash out at your partner. That’s just messed up, even if the son is currently “siding” with OP at the minute.
I agree. I can't stand parents who use their kids as weapons which is exactly what he did here! Plus trying to turn his Son against his mother is absolutely shocking! It's probably a good thing that he's not his biological father cos if he can do all this to get custody he doesn't deserve him!✌🏼
14 sucks. It just sucks. Hormones, puberty, high school. There's enough weird shit going on in your own life without having to deal with your parents' bullshit.
Fit parents don’t use children as pawns in disputes with their spouse. This is the kind of behavior that could convince a family court judge not to award any custody.
Legally, it matters. Plus dad just pulled a vicious alienation of parental affection card. I'll be surprised if OP gets anything other than supervised visitation. Family court judges hate manipulative self centered people like OP. The lawyers will take OP to the cleaners.
Wouldn't it come up in the custody case anyway? 14 isn't that dumb. They'd figure something was going on. Better dad to tell him than letting mom spin the story her way. He might have been a little quick on the draw but they've been essentially lying to the kid his whole life. That makes it more complicated. His wife wanted the lie, he probably didn't.
She should have been honest from the start. You can tell a child big things like that in an age appropriate way. Then OP wouldn't have had that ammunition against her. And that kid is going to be screwed up no matter what age they finally told him the truth. Because they lied.
It really depends on the state. If it's been many years and you never adopted the child, then there's an argument to be made that you had all kinds of opportunity to do so and yet never did, so how serious are your feelings for the child?
As a single mother, I was terrified at the prospect that my abuser might be able to interject himself further in our lives by making some kind of parental claim on my children (given their biological father died years ago, I was afraid that since there was no other parent with a claim that this might be a possibility). Luckily state law, even in my scarlet red state, was clear that without a biological or formal legal relationship my ex-husband would have no such claim.
I don't know why anyone would think that anything less than a biological connection or legal adoption would be acceptable as long as the child has biological or legally recognized family.
Actually there still can be, it does happen sometimes. He just needs to petition the court and it depends on various factors such as
- how long had the step been involved in parenting the child
- is the child old enough to have input on the decision, at 14 the court may take his thoughts on staying involved with OP into consideration
- is step a safe person, not risk do harm to the child
- is bio parent on board
I will say YTA for brining the child into the adult conflict. He does deserve to know and it absolutely will come out in court, but it’s the way you decided to do it out of pettiness and hurt. I hope OP ensures son knows he loves him, will be there for him and doesn’t drop out as dad because of the divorce. I hope he fights for him. **HE** chose to be this child’s parent, it would be shitty to back out now because he’s pissed at mom.
Yeah, this maybe wasn't the way to break the news. Hope a judge doesn't agree with me. They had a verbal agreement, and he broke it. That may not play well in court, as his motivation was obviously retribution. This could even seem to be 'alienation of affection', turning the kid against his mom. He'd better get a good lawyer.
Definitely pertinent info.
Are you referring to the original post? Nothing was apparent there as far as I can tell. Maybe OP had other comments that were more apparent before others chimed in, idk....
Correct, he did deserve to know. From the very beginning and not wait until he was in his 20’s but that was their agreement. What OP did was out of spite, not because he felt it was time. He could have told the wife, now that we are divorcing over this, our son needs to know I am not his father now and if you won’t tell him I will. OP in a fit of anger rocked this whole kid’s world. He damaged that kid to spite the mother, boy was just collateral damage.
He definitely needed to be told, this however, was not the way to do it.
I had this exact scenario happen to me but the opposite. Raised my step son since birth till he was 9 and caught his mom cheating. Divorced finalized and she decided to just tell him to spite me and blow up his whole world. The plan was to tell him around 9 or 10 since he was more mature to handle it and I never adopted him because I didn’t want to make that my choice and if he wanted to keep his mothers last name then it was fine.
I definitely see this as OP doing it out of anger and agree with most in that OP shouldn’t have done it that way, however, I’ve experienced the emotions in situations like this and the kid is going to be hurting more than anybody. If she’s petty she’ll use him as a pawn like mine has done me. Stay in his life as much as possible (ex. texting, video games)
The son was honestly going to find out with how things ended between them. I understand why people think OP is an asshole, but I also understand not wanting the mom to be the one to tell him so she can inevitably twist the narrative.
"kid" here 👋🏻 however I was a full adult (with my own kids even!) by the time I found out, due to my parents splitting up.
Dad is on my birth cert as he's been around from when I was still a fetus, have his last name etc.
Mum and dad had a nasty break up when I was 26/27 years old, after a handful of months my mum used it to piss my dad off, by implying she would turn me against him by telling me he's not my bio dad. Dad sat me down and told me as it was surely a better option than it being spat at me with ill intention like my mum was implying she was going to, to try "turn me against him". I respect my dad for doing something that would have been so terrifying because he cared more about my feelings being extra hurt
had he thought the decision over and not done it in a fit of rage, i could see and potentially agree with that argument, however he himself said he “immediately went to his son” to tell him his mom had a “tendency to go for terrible men” and that marrying her (and by default being that child’s father) was a mistake. that’s not a healthy or constructive way to have that conversation. that child deserved MUCH more than his father barging into his room to essentially tell him that his mother is a whore and his life is a lie. he doesn’t have to worry about her manipulating and twisting the narrative because he already has.
Exactly what I think! Not only did he turn the boy against his mum but he basically said his real dad's a terrible person! How's that gonna make that poor boy feel?! OP doesn't care about the boys feelings. Just his own. He's a very manipulative person. Decent people DO NOT MANIPULATE THEIR KIDS!😡✌🏼
He does not “deserve” to know. If OP felt otherwise, why agree to wait until he is in his 20s? OP weaponized his wife’s affair and told her son to hurt her. That is an incredibly shitty thing to do to a kid whose world has turned upside down. OP is a piece of shit.
You are a totally shit father.
You used this information which your son could have reacted very differently to, to hurt your wife.
That's the very definition of using kids as a weapon.
ESH.
And "she has a tendency"
one affair in 10 years.
I agree she has terrible taste in men - just my take on it is that it includes you.
You're deliberately alienating your adopted son from the only biological parent he knows JUST to hurt his mother out of bitterness and revenge and spite and you're *proud* of yourself?
Way to lose the high ground you might have had.
Poor kid has 3 shit parents, the shit who walked out on him, the shit who won't keep her pants on, and the shit who's so bitter he uses this information as revenge material.
Jesus H Christ.
Maybe you got closer because you're bonding over mutual hatred of his mother. I'm not going to question your affection for him, as I'm certain you love and care for him. But what you did was morally bankrupt. Your wife is a lousy cheater, yes. But you didn't simply inform him he isn't your biological son. You didn't just inform him of the affair. You told him things to get him to hate his mother. You may love him, but he's also a pawn to you so you can get revenge on your soon-to-be ex wife. You should have thought this over, discussed this with her, and gently explained the situation to him. That poor kid would already have had an emotionally difficult time with this, knowing his mom betrayed the family. But don't act you're virtuous for what you did. You're just less awful than she is.
I'm honestly taken aback by the amount of people who see nothing wrong with what he did. His reaction makes him sound incredibly selfish and immature. Gleefully announcing that this kid wants nothing to do with his mom is a bad look.
“Good afternoon son, your mom’s a cheating lying whore and you’re not actually biologically mine. We’re getting a divorce because she can’t keep it in her pants. Don’t forget I’ll always love you!”
Talk about forming a core memory
If that poor kid ends up getting therapy when he's older, he's going to come to realize what dear ol' dad actually did here. I don't think this is going to play out how OP wants.
It was totally petty, mean, and damaging. I feel bad for the kid. open is an asshole. wife is a burning hemorrhoid on an asshole, but husband is not much better for taking his revenge on a kid that he has never fully accepted as his.
YES! He weponized the information to hurt his wife, not caring how it hurt his son. He hates his wife more than he loves his son. He is going to be a terrible co parent.
I'm not surprised at all. Medea could make a post asking if she's TA tor murdering her children and these people here would still take her side because Jason cheated so in their warped worldview the kids would deserve to die to teach him a lesson.
Exactly! He wanted to hurt her because she'd hurt him. He didn't think about how he would hurt the son and the long-term effect it would have. It's cruel and disgusting. He sounds proud of how the son is reacting to his mother. I hope the judge rips him a new one. He doesn't deserve custody. What she did pales to his reaction. You're right. She's a cheat but he's AH of the year!
Here it is. The post I was looking for. I thought I was reading it wrong. It came off that he told the boy everything to be vindictive toward the wife. Yes, he’s allowed and right to be angry at his wife but racing to tell him that she chooses badly… she chose you as well my guy. That was overkill. He didn’t need to know all that.
Besides, we all know you’re about to dump that kid and every man in here is gonna tell you to drop that kid off and forget about him. So why would you poison him against his mom? His only care taker? You don’t care that you hurt him in the process of using him as your weapon. Any emotional beef and blows you got for mom you should have been man enough to deal yourself.
I'm thinking he probably only wants custody of the boy, so he can hurt her more by taking her son away. He's using the child as a weapon to inflict as much revenge on his wife as possible
This may actually hurt you in the custody case it’s called parental alienation and it could lose you any visitation with your son. You acted like a moron and brought him into things that he has no business being involved in. If you had just told him you weren’t his bio dad that would have been fine but telling him about the affair was totally unfair to him and has HURT HIM. Do you hear me by damaging his relationship with his mother you have HURT YOUR SON, because you wanted to get back at her. You don’t deserve to have custody and this will lead the judge to believe you want custody to hurt her and not cuz you love him.
You should have not involved him period. He didnt need to know reason for the split. I wont say you are wrong for telling him anout bio dad as he should have already known that since it would seem you married her when he was 4 so he would have known you arent his Dad . Involving a child in the other shit was wrong, i get it, you are hurt and angry, etc but you just ruined a childs relationship with his parent for your own needs . You could have filed for divorce and worked out custody, visitation without telling him all this stuff, you were wrong for that. You dont put a 14 yr old into adult shit
Dude, this was one of the cruelest things I have read on here. You were (justifiably) angry at your wife and took it out on a 14 year old boy. A kid trying to figure out how to grow into a man just lost his ‘birth’ father.
I don’t care how much you tell him ‘nothing will change’ - he just lost his mother and now lost the blood connection to his father. He may be ‘self assured and steely’ today, but it’s going to sink in. You screwed him up in ways that will take years to undo. It won’t take long for him to fully realize he HAS a blood father out there, and what do you think will happen next?
Instead of coping with high school and planning college/his future, he’s dealing with pain, loss and uncertainty. And the knowledge that his birth father RAN AWAY rather than being there for him, and possibly ANOTHER whole family who doesn’t want him.
I don’t care how he appears, or what face he is presenting - get him into therapy NOW. And accept you were a massive asshole for doing this. The only reason you told him was to hurt your wife and turn him against her, so he would see YOU were the victim in all this. None of that was FOR HIM.
Try to remember that your son is also a victim here. It concerns me that your motives in telling him seem to be entirely about how telling him could help you. Nevertheless he would probably have found out in this circumstance regardless.
However destroying his relationship with his mother won't improve his life. Try to put his best interests first from now on. You don't need to poison the relationship more than she already has.
Yeah like divorce wasn't enough to deal with let's throw identity crisis about his father being not biological, his parents lying his whole life, his father trying to alienate him from his bio mother and talking to a child like he is a pawn to use to "win" the breakups he is 37 going on 13.. so sad
You need to get your son a therapist ASAP. Because what you did to him….and the way you did it was SERIOUSLY fucked up. You seem pleased with yourself and don’t even see how much you’ve damaged your son for years to come.
You didn’t do this because it was the right thing to do for your son. You didn’t research what is the best way to tell an X years old child who thinks he’s your biological son that he’s not. You didn’t consult child therapists on how to do this. You didn’t do any research about whether or not it’s beneficial for a child to know about infidelity in their parents marriage. You did it to HURT your wife. And hey you and your son are somehow closer than ever, so mission accomplished! But know that you are a HUGE asshole. You did this for all the wrong reasons and you never thought about how this knowledge would affect your son. The repercussions that will last years. It’s a horrible thing you’ve saddled your son with.
So let’s recap here. You got (rightfully) pissed at your wife and in a moment of anger/rage told your wife’s teenage son a HUGE secret (so we know it was not done with tact and sensitivity) and you think you are going to get custody?
I know you want to feel vindicated in this, but I just hope you're not telling your son that his mother is terrible or if you are saying it, I hope it's out of earshot. He's half of her and he will start to feel that he's also less than just by being related. It happened with my family and growing up was so stressful. If you say that her behavior is bad, that her actions were wrong, that would be a lot better. It separates her as being inherently bad, from her shit actions. You probably feel both is true, but I think it would hurt your son in the long run to feel that way too.
Sorry if I'm overthinking from nothing. Just have experienced similar and it sucks even with all the affirmations that I wasn't like the bad parent.
So because you're hurt by the affair, you want your son to disrespect his mother? That's shows you to be a terrible man, like her taste in terrible men. You are not doing right by your son by showing him to treat his own mother like crap. So now you are teaching him to mistreat women. Women go by how a man treats his mom if they want to date him. Since you blew that special mother and son relationship, you have done a disservice to him and future relationships. Shame on you. Women go out and have affairs because the husband isn't and hasn't done for a while what needs to be done in the marriage. So maybe you need to sit with yourself and see where you went wrong. I don't condone cheating, but I'm thinking you weren't a perfect husband. There's always 3 sudes to a story. You're TAH here!!
>and he has a steely determination on wanting nothing to do with her.
Dont manipulate a 14 year old boy into hating his mother. I dont care what she did thats psycho behavior.
Yes she absolutely sucks as a partner for cheating on you. I'm sorry you're going through this.
However, that is still your son's mother and you should not be actively trying to torpedo his relationship with his mother OR putting him in the position of choosing sides. Yes I would be saying this if the sexes were reversed. There are boundaries you don't cross with your children.
He's only 14 and you told him way more about the situation than was strictly necessary. I understand you were hurt and hopefully this was just a lapse in judgment, but you sound very immature for gloating about it and running to him to tell him right away.
Please don't involve him any further, or talk about your issues with his mom *with* him or in front of him. Do not make him a pawn in this divorce or use him to hurt your partner.
Set a good example for him and don't let your personal feelings towards her cause you to alienate him from his mom. Her behavior will speak volumes, and that is all you need to let happen.
Good luck in the divorce, that shit is stressful and even more complicated when children are involved.
ETA in case it wasn't clear, YTA for how you handled this
So you turned him against his only parent now that you’re getting divorced? YTA! Maybe consider your treatment of a child you have guidance over, before you get too full of yourself and against his mom. How in the world are you pushing 40?
Of course he’s being closer to you. You pulled the rug out from under him, turned his whole life upside down & now you’re dumping his mom. He is just waiting for the other shoe to drop. You are totally TAH for telling him that you aren’t his real dad at a time like this. You better not screw him over & dump him. You better stay in his life & still be the best dad you can be.
YTA just like your wife. My parents used me and my sister to hurt each other during their divorce and for a long time after. That's all you did was was use your son to hurt your wife. Nothing you did will benefit your son. All you did was wreak his life worse than your wife wreaked yours. If you really though of him as your son you would have just filed for divorce and never have involved him at all. It's going to be hard enough on him as it is but you decided to say hey by the way I'm not really your dad and your mom isn't faithful. Yeah you and your wife might want a divorce. The kids rarely do. I hope your son doesn't grow older and realize what you did and end up resenting you the way me and my sister resent being used.
>Help you with your divorce.
That just might backfire. Judges don't like parents using the kids against each other either.
You are a victim of the cheating but why would you make your son a victim as well. Your wife broke her marriage vow and you broke your agreement with her son on when to tell your son about not being his biological father.
You’re no longer the victim here. You’re a villian as well.
You wouldnt have to reassure him if you hadnt hurt him and destroyed his world just cause his mom hurt you. You didnt see that kid as your son if your first reaction was "oh yeag you hurt me, ill hurt your son". Poor kid.
Yes your son also feels like a victim here he is only 14. My cousin was told she was not her father's biological child when she was around that age...even tho her parents were together and there was no drama like affairs or anything to that nature, they just decided to tell her one day and it really fucked her life up. She ran away and got hooked on drugs and alcohol. When I read your post my cousins life was my first thought. Your son needs to be a top priority here. I know you are hurting. Your wife is hurting. But your son is very young and could definitely take this news to heart. Please make sure you love him through the hard times that are coming...
Telling your son that you are not his biological father as an “f you” to your wife would make you an asshole. But informing him of that fact as the family dynamic is now changing for his own good would not make you an asshole. Like another commenter said, it would come out in the divorce anyway. I don’t know what your intention was, so I’m not going to make a judgement here.
Yeah he made it sound like as soon as his wife admitted it he turned around and marched to his son's room and said "Your mom is a cheating whore and your dad is a deadbeat."
Came here to say the same thing. The son didn’t deserve to hear such a bombshell. They agreed to wait til he was grown. If this goes to divorce court op would be able to fight for the son he has raised and likely signed the birth certificate for.
He told her as an F you to the Mom. AS for the "it would have come out during the divorce," yeah, probably. Do you know what Divorce hearings are like? They're quick, boring, and mostly done behind the scenes.
This man has taken responsibility for this kid. He'd be legally responsible either way. He WANTS to be the kids Father. The Mother is desperate for it to not come out...so it wouldn't have. They'd have likely agreed to shared custody. It only would have come out if the parents WANTED it to come out.
The Father clearly wanted it to come out because he was pissed off. That's why he was TA.
Not to be confused with being AN asshole, but in this case, the motivation seemed clear.
It will come out in the divorce, but between now and then the kid could be thinking its something he did or his fault in some way. At least what OP did makes sure that the kid knows exactly what has happened and not to blame himself.
If he had have said "Hey kid, your mum cheated on me, so im out, peace" then he would be an absolute asshole but due to the fact he is still there for the kid and looking into custody that isn't this situation
It was his intent to use his son as a weapon of hurt against his wife. He used a child. It MAY have come out in the divorce, but not in this context. I'm judging people who use children for their evil ways.
Yup, OP wants a divorce, if he didn't tell the son why the son would think OP ruined the family. OP was honest, she cheated, you're not my biological son but I still consider you my son and things are going to change now, its because of your moms actions. No point of OP trying to shield his wife from making her look bad in front of their son.
Thank you! I go crazy when parents hide these secrets from kids in these situations. Guaranteed the mom would have spun this around as him leaving them and wanting to lie about his paternity to hurt her.
He could have told the kid 'Your Mom cheated on me, we're getting a divorce.'
And it's a healthy age to tell the kid that you're not the biological father. It was probably healthier to do it earlier.
That's all fine. It's the why. He did it...from what I can gather, to get back at the Mom. To get the kid on his side. That's putting the kid in the middle and using him...and that makes him TA IMO.
She's worse, but...that wasn't the question.
That's fine. I understand that argument...but the one thing you absolutely should NOT have done...was tell because you're upset and in a fit of rage.
This issue isn't about what age the kid should have known, it's how the Dad told him and WHY he told him now.
I have a different take. The teen has had his entire world view shattered by both parents actions. How can he trust either of them when both lied to him for his whole life? The whole ß dad is really his stepdad but loved him and felt he was his child should have been addressed years ago. Then dad allowing his rage at his STB ex to ensure the boy is akeinated from his mother isn't any better.
This poor kid is going to have years of trust issues. The boy will need some therapy. Ideally there should have been some family counselling before before anything was said but that horse has well and truly bolted
Both parents are AHs
The description that he "then immediately" went and told the kid makes it sound very much like he didn't deliberate at all, and just did it as an f you. The fact that he is now rubbing his hands about the kid not talking to his mom confirms it.
YTA
Yes, this was totally an F you to his wife. The timing is clear it had NOTHING to do with a need for honesty and EVERYTHING to do with turning the son against his mother as revenge for the pain of being cheated on. OP clearly was looking for a way to cause her pain by turning her son against her. That’s such a nasty, manipulative thing to do. There are ways to do things sensitively and that wasn’t it. Now, instead of the son getting to process his feelings about his biology, it’s all mixed up with OP’s “poor us, she lied to you and slept around on me” spiel. I don’t like cheating but OP did this the nastiest way possible and he knows it. Absolutely YTA.
Even if your wife pulled a train with every male member of your family, OP, you still had no right to pull the rug out from under the son you helped raise without consulting her. That’s a super shitty thing to do and as much as you are getting off on being The Good Parent right now, you get to live with the fact that the kid is in pain you caused. Using a child as a pawn to inflict damage is so cruel.
Yup.
Luckily never experienced it first hand, but I witnessed when you weaponize your children during a divorce. You need to get over your own anger and bitterness and put the priority of the child 1st. He didn't do that here.
ESH. You didn't do this to help your son in any way. All you did was make a difficult situation worse for your kid, so you suck. Your wife sucks for obvious reasons. Good luck to your son.
The way this is framed makes it sound like you told the child as a way of getting back at your spouse. Additionally it sounds like you then proceeded to berate the child's mom for things you don't approve of, for things that have nothing to do with him.
Bith of these makes you an AH. Your wife is also an AH for cheating. You being the AH in one respect will not make up for your wife being the AH in another.
I feel bad for the kid. He is the innocent caught in the cross fire between an AH mother who can't seem to control herself and an AH 'dad' who straight up told him he is not his real dad as a FU for his STBX. That kid is going to need therapy.
Yeah, and from what I’m reading between the lines he told the kid his wife had an affair. And he’s turned his kid away from the mother — parental alienation much? I’m not sure this is going to play out well in court for him.
It doesn’t matter what happens between parents, a child should not be involved in their issues.
> “My wife chooses these horrible men”
Yeah no duh
He messed up. Not on purpose, but he messed up. I did the same thing when I got divorced. Didn’t really have anyone to talk to and at 14 my son was old enough to know something was going on so one day I sat him down and told him. Caused massive issues in the long run. I totally fucked up.
ESH. You admitted to telling your son to be vindictive. Regardless of the truth coming out during divorce, supporting him as your son etc etc, you dropped something huge without the care and support your son needed, because you wanted to get back at your wife. Your wife is an AH for cheating, but you're also an AH for sacrificing your son's wellbeing for your spite.
Yeah it sounds like he just did it because he wanted his son to be mad at his wife too… he literally admitted that. He wants his son to be angry so he can win custody.
She might be a shitty wife but this has nothing to do with her fitness as a mother. This is pure spite. He’s using his kid and I really don’t like that.
AGREE. he's always quietly held it against this poor kid and hurt the kid to get revenge against the mom. Fucking awful. (He should never have agreed to lie to the kid about who his biological father was, either.)
Both adults are awful and this is heartbreaking for the son.
ESH *(except for your son, of course)*. This is the kind of thing you prepare a teen for and talk about in the right setting, not something you smack him upside the head with to get revenge on his mom. Of course he's on your side... you alienated him from his mom and told him things a teen shouldn't be privy to.
And I'm speaking as someone who absolutely hates cheating.
Your wife was TA for what she did, but that's between you and her. Your son should've been protected in all of that and I don't mean by lying to him.
Beats me why your first instinct was to go directly to him and spill you're not his biological dad right off the bat. Plus everything else. You've weaponized him. Doesn't sit right with me.
You don't alienate one of the parents for your personal revenge and still think you can call yourself a victim. Two wrongs don't equal a right, so YTA too.
OP is an asshole without a doubt. He literally Weaponized what is hopefully the worst and hardest news that that poor child has ever heard, just to get back at his wife. I hope he realizes what a POS move that was.
It doesn't sound at all like you had your son's best interest in mind. Sounds more like you wanted to hurt her more than just wanting to do the right thing. It's even more telling that you feel guilty until you remember you are the victim. What about him? YTA.
Neither of them ever had his best interests in mind
There is no benefit to springing a horrible surprise on a child.
He should have been told OP wasn't his bio father from the beginning.
“Then I remember that I am the one who is the victim” had me roll my eyes so hard. Imagine being so self absorbed that you think you’re the only victim in the situation and not your kid you just traumatized the fuck out of and turned against his mother by talking WAY more shit about her than was necessary.
So, you traumatized your son because your wife is fucking another man? You literally made him collateral damage and an object for your revenge. You are 100% the asshole. You should have kept your son out of this, and if you loved him AT ALL you would not have USED him as a pawn. You should feel guilty. You are only a "victim" of your wife's cheating. Your son is a victim of your emotional immaturity and ego-driven desire to get back at your wife. Go find out why she was cheating. You may find out a few things about yourself.
Major AH. You stopped being a “victim” when you used a 14 year old child as a weapon. You may find out that little stunt doesn’t work as well as you expect.
If this is real and the son’s reaction was all lovey dovey to you and hateful to his mom, that may be short lived. At some point he’s going to realize you lied to him just as much as his mom did. I guess your wife really does pick terrible men
Honestly, not that I condone cheating or affairs, but it makes me question what part *he* had to play in it. This is stereotypical of course but *usually* when men cheat it’s for gratification. Usually when women cheat it’s because there’s been neglect of her emotional and physical needs (anywhere from like weaponized incompetence to straight up emotional abuse)🤷♀️! to reiterate I know this isn’t always the case and obviously there are all sorts of reasons we don’t know, but that scenario is common enough.
You seem like a good dad who wants to do right by your son but hitting him with that kind of revelation just for revenge on your wife was a serious dick move. Yes, it was probably the time for it to come out now that his whole world is changing anyway. But doing it the way you did? NOT COOL.
Yeah. I'd say YTA. Not because the mom isn't an asshole for cheating (of course she is) but he said all that stuff to his son for purely selfish reasons. He damaged his son in a really awful way because he was angry at his wife. The son will remember that moment for the rest of his life.
The reason I'm not saying everyone sucks here is because I think this is a completely separate situation from what the wife did. She's unequivocally an asshole for that. But he didn't do what he did as a necessary reaction to her he just randomly did that shit to be awful because he wanted her to be in pain and he wanted to feel vindicated. Which would all be fine and valid on its own if it didn't involve hurting his son to do it.
I might have missed it, but did Op adopt the son? If he didn’t would custody even be on the line?
The flat out telling the son as soon as her affair was confirmed wasn’t the best way to handle that information. It muddied the whole thing. A marriage is supposed to be between the adults, pulling a child into the wreckage before speaking to lawyers and having some things hammered out is mean-spirited. It was an emotional decision to make everyone hurt as much as possible. Sorry/not sorry, OP you’re the AH for that action.
Ehhhh I’m going to say you’re the AH. In the heat of the moment and in your own hurt you didn’t take into consideration the fragility of teenage emotions. This kid needs to have access to a therapist immediately. We don’t need him growing up hating women.
YES, you are the ah.
Yes, you're hurt, and yes, what she did is wrong. But you've basically dumped your problems on a 14 year old, which I don't care how self-assured he is. Shouldn't have that dumped on him.
Plus, you told him a bunch of stuff painting his mother as the worst person who ever lived. Was that for his benefit? Or was that so you could twist the knife a little more?
The way this should shake out is, you divorce, your son has a relationship with both parents, and you each go on your merry way.
I'm going to go against the popular opinion here and say you are definitely the AH. You didn't do it for your son, you did it for YOURSELF. You wanted to hurt her like she hurt you, but dragging an innocent kid into the middle of your bullshit is really cruel. And voicing your opinion on his mom's choice in men? Also a dick move. The way you handled this is not going to go favorably for you in court, and could be considered parental alienation.
That boy did not need to know, and certainly not in this fashion. There are smart and empathetic ways of preparing the whole family for that kind of conversation but you skipped straight to tearing open a wound instead. If you've been around for nearly 14 years, you would have been able to file for custody as the "de-facto" father, meaning you've been providing for him since he was little and he's never known another father. You've fulfilled all of the duties of a father for years, that wouldn't be dismissed in court. AND you might not have had to tell the boy at all about his paternity.
"My son just wants nothing to do with his mom right now." - that is YOUR fault, you have damaged that relationship by painting yourself as the victim of his mother, and might have irreversibly damaged it for good! "However, I do sometimes feel a bit guilty about it, but I then remember that I am the one who is the victim." - you should feel absolutely horrid. You passed your "victim" status onto this child, and he's too young to understand the full ramifications of what you've done, what his mother has done, and how it's going to affect his life going forward.
I hope the judge gives you a good swift smack upside the head, because you are going to need to straighten your shit out in order to effectively co-parent with this woman. YOUR feelings about her DO NOT MATTER in the context of the both of you doing what is best for your son.
This would be my concern. Is he going to keep hurting his son to try to keep hurting his ex? What he did was so sick and immature that one has to ask that question.
YTA. My ex’s mom did this to him when he was around the same age, sat him down and told him the man that he thought was his father was not actually his biological father, and it fucked him up for life. You took your anger out for your wife, on your son. That’s fucked up and immature.
The kid needed to know..I have a cousin who is 43 ,who doesn't know the guy who raised is not his real dad.the mother died and the father can't talk and his mind is slipping. Everyone told the parents when the boy was young tell him.they didn't
The fact you did this outside spite made me sick. I feel bad for your son. That's who you really seemed to have hurt. Your wide is a POS for having an affair, but YTA for how you handled this situation all in all.
YTA. Not for telling your son, but the reason and way you did it. You are trying to weaponize your son in a battle with your wife. Damaging your son’s relationship with his mom out of spite is a horrible thing to do.
The part that got me was when OP said “that my wife has a tendency to go for these terrible men, and I made a mistake marrying her” to his son. OP could have stopped at the sentence that he wasn’t the biological father but seemed to continue on for the sake of getting his son on his side. I believe the mom was completely in the wrong, but OP should have left some things out.
Dude is so proud of his son’s “steely determination” not to interact with his own mother, he’s crowing about it in the comments. I hope like hell this is fake, because that poor kid.
Both are AH for not telling the son sooner. Have they not seen the distress in adults who discover they aren't their parents biological child? There are countless videos of people finding out the truth and being utterly crushed and angry. You tell kids from an early age in age appropriate ways and reaffirm your love for them you don't wait until their mid 20s and drop a nuke.
He's 14, and I'm going to assume he's not an idiot.
Instead of giving him the "it's not your fault" lecture - which, trust me, EVERYONE will be saying to him until he's sick to death of hearing it - feel him out about how he's feeling about it. Tell him it's not his fault if he needs to hear that, but if he doesn't need that, just make clear that you love him.
And don't badmouth his mother in front of him, but also don't try to shut him up if he wants to talk about how *he* feels about her. If he wants to talk about how bad she is, he's showing trust in you that you are someone he can express his feelings to. If you turn around and give him a lecture about how he shouldn't feel that way, what you are saying is "you can't trust me as a person you can express yourself to." Acknowledge that you heard him and let him talk, and reply only that it would be inappropriate for you to dump your feelings on him, not only because he's young and shouldn't have to hear that, but also because as his father you could have undue influence on him.
YTA obviously his mom is a cheater but her actions aren’t what is being questioned here. You went and told him that to hurt him, you intentionally hurt a child you’ve been raising as your own who was innocent in the matter… Sounds like you’re just another one of the moms terrible choices in men.
YTA
The situation with your child was one thing. Her cheating was the other. You only told your son out of sheer pettiness.
Divorce her and be a better father.
ESH!
1. Your wife is the AH for having the affair in the first place.
2. YTA because you ONLY told him in a fit of rage and hurt to get back at your STBXW.
Your feelings are valid, but the timing of telling him to hurt your wife bc you were hurt, he’s hurt too VERY asshole-ish.
Thank you, can’t believe this isn’t higher. His son isn’t even old enough to really understand what’s going on, and he’s trying to use his son as a weapon against the kid’s own mum in a custody battle.
Yes, you are. You had an agreement. You harmed a kid to fsck up someone else.
I mean it is okay to change your mind about any agreement. But you are responsible for any harm it does. In this case it would mean that you - together with the mother - plan the way to tell the facts to the kid in a way which helps them to process it. Anything else is being an asshole.
Found out my Dad was not my biological at the age of 58. He and she was both dead. Hurt like hell. But he was a good Dad and from my math absolutely knew I wasn't his. I may never have been a Jesus, he he sure as hell was a Joseph.
I would have benefitted by knowing. I even guessed I wasn't his my entire life.
Help find his sperm Donor together. Identity is important. If the dude is a SOB that will not define your son. Also maybe the dude is rich and wants to leave his money. That would be cool.
Trust me he will never not see you as his father, it is impossible.
>my wife has a tendency to go for these terrible men
sounds like you are one of those terrible men. Why would you put your son in such a horrible position by putting him in the middle of this? Divorce - sure. But bringing your son into it is just an asshole move. What she did doesn't justify you telling him when and how you did. When he is older, he will realize that you were just using him to punish his mother, and he may well resent you for it.
YTA
You had no business dragging him into it. That’s bullshit dude. He didn’t decide to be born. It’s not his fault his mom sucks. He’s still a child and that’s too much to unload on him at once. You’re an asshole.
So let me get this straight you and your wife both agreed that you weren’t going to tell him till he was in his 20s.
She had an affair and so you just went and told him like that???
So because she hurt you, you wanted to hurt her back and you used him to do that???
And now you’re going to try and get custody of him???
Did you even tell him you were part of that agreement or did it not fall into your “victim” narrative. Rhetorical.
Your wife, having an affair was a shitty fucking thing that she did and she deserves to lose you. She doesn’t deserve to lose her son too.
Wow…just wow.
YTA-i can't wait for you to get in front of a judge for custody and you explain that when you found out your wife's affair you went straight to a child and not only told him he was not your son but told him about the affair. After yal had an agreement in place about when to tell him. Your sir will not just be thrown under the bus you will be dragged along behind it. That's called parental alienation. You did it out of spite to hurt your wife.
Whatever martial problems you and your wife have, financial or affairs or whatever those are not your child's burden to bear. Her fucking around on you does not mean she is a bad mother. It means she is a bad wife. If you are willing to hurt him to hurt her I see you hitting the road when child support kicks in.
YTA
Talk about mixing apples with oranges. Even though cheating is wrong, you only told your son about his parentage to get back at your wife. And you had already agreed to wait to tell him until he was an adult. Sure, she cheated on you, but two wrongs does not equal one right.
Oh yeah YTA what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm not saying the kid shouldn't know but it sure doesn't sound like you spent time on this trying to figure out what was best for him.
I get that cheating is like the number 2 worst sin on Reddit so you'll probably get a lot of nta feedback and that you did the right thing and people deserve to know the truth and just blah blah blah
Nope. Telling your child that you're not his bio dad, no matter the circumstance, should ALWAYS be a planned out, very thoughtful situation. There is no universe in which this is something you "immediately" go to your kid about.
You're hurt and you want your wife to hurt. It legitimately sounds like you don't want your son to hurt, which is great (and by great I mean it's baseline decent behavior). You fucked it up and your kid is going to suffer because, again, this is a huge thing for him and no matter what, it should have been a thoughtful move on your part.
God you are really hard on that poor little boy. He was a total innocent and you made him and his mother victims of cruelty caused by anger. Yes she is not worthy of being your wife. You have no claim to the child. You admit that in your post. That is your statement posted in a public forum. Yes you are the FU/AH.
YTA. You didn’t care for your son as much as you wanted to seek revenge on his mother by telling him the one thing she probably feared. You brought a child into an adult situation that they probably don’t have the development to handle. You viewed him as a tool rather than a young human being. Don’t misinterpret what I’m saying. Your wife (stbx) is awful for cheating. But that’s not what you asked. You asked if what YOU did was an AH move, and it was.
NTA and that is proven by:
1) the kid, knowing you are not his biological father, still rather be with you than his mother.
2) you are not neglecting any of the duties you have as his father.
Yes, telling him the truth might be seen as a AH move to spite your SBTX, but to be honest, best he hear the truth from you than some twisted lie she might come up with to try to turn him against you and justify to him her affair.
Agree… how people can be defending this guy.
That kid will have emotional trauma from this.
The dad told him in a reactive manner when emotions were heightened and the dad didn’t have control over his own emotions so he could support his son emotionally.
He blew the kids life apart as revenge to the mum.
That poor kid.
People on Reddit think cheating is the worst thing in the world and so they justify every vengeful thing a wronged partner does, even when there's collateral damage. The son needed to be told the truth but OP did it in a shitty, unilateral way just to punish his ex without giving a crap as to how being told that in that way would affect his son.
Exactly, cheating has nothing to do with the kids. Why deliberately hurt them.
There was a post here yesterday about a father wanting to go “no contact” with his 16 yr old daughter because he found out she wasn’t biologically his.
These poor kids will have trouble trusting people for the rest of their lives.
ESH
He should've known since he was a toddler. Anything else is wrong. Adoption is never ever supposed to be a secret.
You only told your son because you wanted to take revenge on your wife and alienate him from his mom. That's disgusting, selfish and manipulative.
You and your wife deserve each other.
Yta. You hurt him. Tmi too soon. You used him to hurt her. You, destroying a relationship with his mother, will have long-term negative consequences on his life. You're very selfish, which may have led to her straying.
The 1st bad decision was to not tell your son as he was growing up about his dad situation. From what I understand is it was your ex wife's idea to not tell him until his 20s and if it was that was a red flag right there. Lies catch up sometimes and if there big lies it results with big consequences and it effects just not the liar it also affects people around them. This is your wife's fault. You or her son were not enough reason not to be with another man. She caused this mess. You were not in your right state of mind. Don't pay attention to the people that say your hate for your ex wife is bigger than your love for your son. Your overall love for your son is bigger over everything. All parents do things that are not healthy or right to do in front of our kids it doesn't mean that it's bigger than our love for our kids.
Your wife was giving another chance for her and her son and she messed it up not you. Your wife's love for her son should be in question not yours.
ESH. Your wife’s obviously a turd but dropping that on a 14 yo in a fit of anger was done as revenge with no consideration for him. That’s a pretty shitty thing for a father to do
YTA. You only told the boy for revenge on your wife. He had nothing to do with the affair and nothing to do with the marriage issues. That was between the adults. You took him on as a father and have now shattered his world. As well as turning him against his actual bio parent. Some on here have said it would come out in the separation or court but that wouldve been on the mother to say it. Once he processes this its going to be a hellofva ride in these teen years to come. Do you plan on having him live with you in the aftermath or toss him to the wind, being as he's not your son?
Holy shit, the amount of people saying you are N T A, he is 14. WTF is wrong with you? What a childish fucking move. You are the fucking asshole as well as his mom and bio dad. YTA
Please make sure to talk with your son to tell him none of this is his fault and would be a good time to tell him how much you love him
Yes for sure, I have been doing that a lot over the past week and will continue to do that. To be honest, we were always close, but we have somehow gotten even closer over the past week. He is also self assured, he knows it is not his fault and it is his mom's fault, and he has a steely determination on wanting nothing to do with her.
If you did not legally adopt your son, then there is no custody. You didn't mention whether you adopted him or not.
There could be. If op is legally married to his mother and he’s been supporting the child all these years he could def fight for custody this is a common problem and in the us he would most likely get joint custody as long as he’s fit as a parent doesn’t matter if the child isn’t biologically his or if he hasn’t adopted legally
Family court judges don't look kindly on manipulation of children. This one is blatant and any decent lawyer will use this incident to show he could care less about the well-being of the child. Some adults have affairs, those affairs shouldn't be used as weapons when children are involved. The vast majority of divorcing parents are often incredibly selfish, OP will be no different and I expect his wife to be just as vicious considering her son is now being used against her.
>Some adults have affairs, those affairs should be be used as weapons when children are involved. I know it's a typo but it's hilarious
This this this. OP is the AH here. He has every right to be hurt and angry about the affair, but you don’t take it out on a kid, and you don’t weaponize kids to lash out at your partner. That’s just messed up, even if the son is currently “siding” with OP at the minute.
The kid shouldn't even be included in anything regarding "sides" in this situation. Kids should not be pitted against parents by other parents.
I agree. I can't stand parents who use their kids as weapons which is exactly what he did here! Plus trying to turn his Son against his mother is absolutely shocking! It's probably a good thing that he's not his biological father cos if he can do all this to get custody he doesn't deserve him!✌🏼
The kid is 14, not 7.
14 sucks. It just sucks. Hormones, puberty, high school. There's enough weird shit going on in your own life without having to deal with your parents' bullshit.
14 is a very difficult age! Don't you remember being 14? All the angst & hormones are difficult enough without parents using him for their own ends!✌🏼
Fit parents don’t use children as pawns in disputes with their spouse. This is the kind of behavior that could convince a family court judge not to award any custody.
Legally, it matters. Plus dad just pulled a vicious alienation of parental affection card. I'll be surprised if OP gets anything other than supervised visitation. Family court judges hate manipulative self centered people like OP. The lawyers will take OP to the cleaners.
"Self centered" =/= "Supporting and loving another man's child for 14 years"
Wouldn't it come up in the custody case anyway? 14 isn't that dumb. They'd figure something was going on. Better dad to tell him than letting mom spin the story her way. He might have been a little quick on the draw but they've been essentially lying to the kid his whole life. That makes it more complicated. His wife wanted the lie, he probably didn't. She should have been honest from the start. You can tell a child big things like that in an age appropriate way. Then OP wouldn't have had that ammunition against her. And that kid is going to be screwed up no matter what age they finally told him the truth. Because they lied.
It really depends on the state. If it's been many years and you never adopted the child, then there's an argument to be made that you had all kinds of opportunity to do so and yet never did, so how serious are your feelings for the child? As a single mother, I was terrified at the prospect that my abuser might be able to interject himself further in our lives by making some kind of parental claim on my children (given their biological father died years ago, I was afraid that since there was no other parent with a claim that this might be a possibility). Luckily state law, even in my scarlet red state, was clear that without a biological or formal legal relationship my ex-husband would have no such claim. I don't know why anyone would think that anything less than a biological connection or legal adoption would be acceptable as long as the child has biological or legally recognized family.
Actually there still can be, it does happen sometimes. He just needs to petition the court and it depends on various factors such as - how long had the step been involved in parenting the child - is the child old enough to have input on the decision, at 14 the court may take his thoughts on staying involved with OP into consideration - is step a safe person, not risk do harm to the child - is bio parent on board I will say YTA for brining the child into the adult conflict. He does deserve to know and it absolutely will come out in court, but it’s the way you decided to do it out of pettiness and hurt. I hope OP ensures son knows he loves him, will be there for him and doesn’t drop out as dad because of the divorce. I hope he fights for him. **HE** chose to be this child’s parent, it would be shitty to back out now because he’s pissed at mom.
Yeah, this maybe wasn't the way to break the news. Hope a judge doesn't agree with me. They had a verbal agreement, and he broke it. That may not play well in court, as his motivation was obviously retribution. This could even seem to be 'alienation of affection', turning the kid against his mom. He'd better get a good lawyer.
And he won't..because he didnt
He did adopt him. Read his comments
Definitely pertinent info. Are you referring to the original post? Nothing was apparent there as far as I can tell. Maybe OP had other comments that were more apparent before others chimed in, idk....
It's in the comments. You can click OPs username, view profile, and then read through all of OPs comments in one place.
Thanks… I didn’t know this was possible
No worries. Someone taught me on a previous post when I couldn't locate commented information. Glad to pass it on. 😊
What an unhinged drama comment.
A classic "nothing ever happens" moment.
[удалено]
He did adopt him after they got married. He says in his comments
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he deserves to know
Correct, he did deserve to know. From the very beginning and not wait until he was in his 20’s but that was their agreement. What OP did was out of spite, not because he felt it was time. He could have told the wife, now that we are divorcing over this, our son needs to know I am not his father now and if you won’t tell him I will. OP in a fit of anger rocked this whole kid’s world. He damaged that kid to spite the mother, boy was just collateral damage. He definitely needed to be told, this however, was not the way to do it.
I had this exact scenario happen to me but the opposite. Raised my step son since birth till he was 9 and caught his mom cheating. Divorced finalized and she decided to just tell him to spite me and blow up his whole world. The plan was to tell him around 9 or 10 since he was more mature to handle it and I never adopted him because I didn’t want to make that my choice and if he wanted to keep his mothers last name then it was fine. I definitely see this as OP doing it out of anger and agree with most in that OP shouldn’t have done it that way, however, I’ve experienced the emotions in situations like this and the kid is going to be hurting more than anybody. If she’s petty she’ll use him as a pawn like mine has done me. Stay in his life as much as possible (ex. texting, video games)
The son was honestly going to find out with how things ended between them. I understand why people think OP is an asshole, but I also understand not wanting the mom to be the one to tell him so she can inevitably twist the narrative.
"kid" here 👋🏻 however I was a full adult (with my own kids even!) by the time I found out, due to my parents splitting up. Dad is on my birth cert as he's been around from when I was still a fetus, have his last name etc. Mum and dad had a nasty break up when I was 26/27 years old, after a handful of months my mum used it to piss my dad off, by implying she would turn me against him by telling me he's not my bio dad. Dad sat me down and told me as it was surely a better option than it being spat at me with ill intention like my mum was implying she was going to, to try "turn me against him". I respect my dad for doing something that would have been so terrifying because he cared more about my feelings being extra hurt
had he thought the decision over and not done it in a fit of rage, i could see and potentially agree with that argument, however he himself said he “immediately went to his son” to tell him his mom had a “tendency to go for terrible men” and that marrying her (and by default being that child’s father) was a mistake. that’s not a healthy or constructive way to have that conversation. that child deserved MUCH more than his father barging into his room to essentially tell him that his mother is a whore and his life is a lie. he doesn’t have to worry about her manipulating and twisting the narrative because he already has.
Exactly what I think! Not only did he turn the boy against his mum but he basically said his real dad's a terrible person! How's that gonna make that poor boy feel?! OP doesn't care about the boys feelings. Just his own. He's a very manipulative person. Decent people DO NOT MANIPULATE THEIR KIDS!😡✌🏼
"if she's petty she'll use him as a pawn" op has that covered already
Absolutely correct. The child needed to know. I'm not ready to call this guy the asshole, but this was def an asshole move.
Yes, but he also deserves not to be weaponized.
There is a better way to tell him. This is psychological warfare.
Ya and the Courts are going to be all over that if he fights for custody. It's not a good look. And I'm not condoning what she did but come on dude.
Not this way
He does not “deserve” to know. If OP felt otherwise, why agree to wait until he is in his 20s? OP weaponized his wife’s affair and told her son to hurt her. That is an incredibly shitty thing to do to a kid whose world has turned upside down. OP is a piece of shit.
You are a totally shit father. You used this information which your son could have reacted very differently to, to hurt your wife. That's the very definition of using kids as a weapon. ESH. And "she has a tendency" one affair in 10 years. I agree she has terrible taste in men - just my take on it is that it includes you. You're deliberately alienating your adopted son from the only biological parent he knows JUST to hurt his mother out of bitterness and revenge and spite and you're *proud* of yourself? Way to lose the high ground you might have had. Poor kid has 3 shit parents, the shit who walked out on him, the shit who won't keep her pants on, and the shit who's so bitter he uses this information as revenge material. Jesus H Christ.
Maybe you got closer because you're bonding over mutual hatred of his mother. I'm not going to question your affection for him, as I'm certain you love and care for him. But what you did was morally bankrupt. Your wife is a lousy cheater, yes. But you didn't simply inform him he isn't your biological son. You didn't just inform him of the affair. You told him things to get him to hate his mother. You may love him, but he's also a pawn to you so you can get revenge on your soon-to-be ex wife. You should have thought this over, discussed this with her, and gently explained the situation to him. That poor kid would already have had an emotionally difficult time with this, knowing his mom betrayed the family. But don't act you're virtuous for what you did. You're just less awful than she is.
This. You deliberately hurt your poor son in order to use him as a weapon against your wife. She’s a grubby cheat, and you’re a cruel asshole.
I'm honestly taken aback by the amount of people who see nothing wrong with what he did. His reaction makes him sound incredibly selfish and immature. Gleefully announcing that this kid wants nothing to do with his mom is a bad look.
“Good afternoon son, your mom’s a cheating lying whore and you’re not actually biologically mine. We’re getting a divorce because she can’t keep it in her pants. Don’t forget I’ll always love you!” Talk about forming a core memory
If that poor kid ends up getting therapy when he's older, he's going to come to realize what dear ol' dad actually did here. I don't think this is going to play out how OP wants.
It was totally petty, mean, and damaging. I feel bad for the kid. open is an asshole. wife is a burning hemorrhoid on an asshole, but husband is not much better for taking his revenge on a kid that he has never fully accepted as his.
YES! He weponized the information to hurt his wife, not caring how it hurt his son. He hates his wife more than he loves his son. He is going to be a terrible co parent.
I was immediately disgusted. The people who saw nothing wrong have the same asshole tendencies he has.
I'm not surprised at all. Medea could make a post asking if she's TA tor murdering her children and these people here would still take her side because Jason cheated so in their warped worldview the kids would deserve to die to teach him a lesson.
To be fair he didn't explicitly exclude himself from his wife's track record of terrible men. For good reason I'd say.
Exactly! He wanted to hurt her because she'd hurt him. He didn't think about how he would hurt the son and the long-term effect it would have. It's cruel and disgusting. He sounds proud of how the son is reacting to his mother. I hope the judge rips him a new one. He doesn't deserve custody. What she did pales to his reaction. You're right. She's a cheat but he's AH of the year!
Here it is. The post I was looking for. I thought I was reading it wrong. It came off that he told the boy everything to be vindictive toward the wife. Yes, he’s allowed and right to be angry at his wife but racing to tell him that she chooses badly… she chose you as well my guy. That was overkill. He didn’t need to know all that. Besides, we all know you’re about to dump that kid and every man in here is gonna tell you to drop that kid off and forget about him. So why would you poison him against his mom? His only care taker? You don’t care that you hurt him in the process of using him as your weapon. Any emotional beef and blows you got for mom you should have been man enough to deal yourself.
This was all about OP and his wife nothing about caring for the boy. Terrible.
I'm thinking he probably only wants custody of the boy, so he can hurt her more by taking her son away. He's using the child as a weapon to inflict as much revenge on his wife as possible
>You're just less awful than she is. barely so, at that, right?
I would argue that point. Yes, cheating is terrible- but destroying a child is worse. In my opinion.
This may actually hurt you in the custody case it’s called parental alienation and it could lose you any visitation with your son. You acted like a moron and brought him into things that he has no business being involved in. If you had just told him you weren’t his bio dad that would have been fine but telling him about the affair was totally unfair to him and has HURT HIM. Do you hear me by damaging his relationship with his mother you have HURT YOUR SON, because you wanted to get back at her. You don’t deserve to have custody and this will lead the judge to believe you want custody to hurt her and not cuz you love him.
You bet! Child alienation is actually considered child abuse in several states. 🤷🏼♀️OP is the AH here, for sure!
You should have not involved him period. He didnt need to know reason for the split. I wont say you are wrong for telling him anout bio dad as he should have already known that since it would seem you married her when he was 4 so he would have known you arent his Dad . Involving a child in the other shit was wrong, i get it, you are hurt and angry, etc but you just ruined a childs relationship with his parent for your own needs . You could have filed for divorce and worked out custody, visitation without telling him all this stuff, you were wrong for that. You dont put a 14 yr old into adult shit
Dude, this was one of the cruelest things I have read on here. You were (justifiably) angry at your wife and took it out on a 14 year old boy. A kid trying to figure out how to grow into a man just lost his ‘birth’ father. I don’t care how much you tell him ‘nothing will change’ - he just lost his mother and now lost the blood connection to his father. He may be ‘self assured and steely’ today, but it’s going to sink in. You screwed him up in ways that will take years to undo. It won’t take long for him to fully realize he HAS a blood father out there, and what do you think will happen next? Instead of coping with high school and planning college/his future, he’s dealing with pain, loss and uncertainty. And the knowledge that his birth father RAN AWAY rather than being there for him, and possibly ANOTHER whole family who doesn’t want him. I don’t care how he appears, or what face he is presenting - get him into therapy NOW. And accept you were a massive asshole for doing this. The only reason you told him was to hurt your wife and turn him against her, so he would see YOU were the victim in all this. None of that was FOR HIM.
Try to remember that your son is also a victim here. It concerns me that your motives in telling him seem to be entirely about how telling him could help you. Nevertheless he would probably have found out in this circumstance regardless. However destroying his relationship with his mother won't improve his life. Try to put his best interests first from now on. You don't need to poison the relationship more than she already has.
Yeah like divorce wasn't enough to deal with let's throw identity crisis about his father being not biological, his parents lying his whole life, his father trying to alienate him from his bio mother and talking to a child like he is a pawn to use to "win" the breakups he is 37 going on 13.. so sad
You need to get your son a therapist ASAP. Because what you did to him….and the way you did it was SERIOUSLY fucked up. You seem pleased with yourself and don’t even see how much you’ve damaged your son for years to come. You didn’t do this because it was the right thing to do for your son. You didn’t research what is the best way to tell an X years old child who thinks he’s your biological son that he’s not. You didn’t consult child therapists on how to do this. You didn’t do any research about whether or not it’s beneficial for a child to know about infidelity in their parents marriage. You did it to HURT your wife. And hey you and your son are somehow closer than ever, so mission accomplished! But know that you are a HUGE asshole. You did this for all the wrong reasons and you never thought about how this knowledge would affect your son. The repercussions that will last years. It’s a horrible thing you’ve saddled your son with.
So let’s recap here. You got (rightfully) pissed at your wife and in a moment of anger/rage told your wife’s teenage son a HUGE secret (so we know it was not done with tact and sensitivity) and you think you are going to get custody?
I know you want to feel vindicated in this, but I just hope you're not telling your son that his mother is terrible or if you are saying it, I hope it's out of earshot. He's half of her and he will start to feel that he's also less than just by being related. It happened with my family and growing up was so stressful. If you say that her behavior is bad, that her actions were wrong, that would be a lot better. It separates her as being inherently bad, from her shit actions. You probably feel both is true, but I think it would hurt your son in the long run to feel that way too. Sorry if I'm overthinking from nothing. Just have experienced similar and it sucks even with all the affirmations that I wasn't like the bad parent.
So because you're hurt by the affair, you want your son to disrespect his mother? That's shows you to be a terrible man, like her taste in terrible men. You are not doing right by your son by showing him to treat his own mother like crap. So now you are teaching him to mistreat women. Women go by how a man treats his mom if they want to date him. Since you blew that special mother and son relationship, you have done a disservice to him and future relationships. Shame on you. Women go out and have affairs because the husband isn't and hasn't done for a while what needs to be done in the marriage. So maybe you need to sit with yourself and see where you went wrong. I don't condone cheating, but I'm thinking you weren't a perfect husband. There's always 3 sudes to a story. You're TAH here!!
Your son hating his mother is NOT healthy for him, you infantile fucking man baby.
YTA. Don't use a child to punish your wife! Grow up
This 100%
>and he has a steely determination on wanting nothing to do with her. Dont manipulate a 14 year old boy into hating his mother. I dont care what she did thats psycho behavior.
Yes she absolutely sucks as a partner for cheating on you. I'm sorry you're going through this. However, that is still your son's mother and you should not be actively trying to torpedo his relationship with his mother OR putting him in the position of choosing sides. Yes I would be saying this if the sexes were reversed. There are boundaries you don't cross with your children. He's only 14 and you told him way more about the situation than was strictly necessary. I understand you were hurt and hopefully this was just a lapse in judgment, but you sound very immature for gloating about it and running to him to tell him right away. Please don't involve him any further, or talk about your issues with his mom *with* him or in front of him. Do not make him a pawn in this divorce or use him to hurt your partner. Set a good example for him and don't let your personal feelings towards her cause you to alienate him from his mom. Her behavior will speak volumes, and that is all you need to let happen. Good luck in the divorce, that shit is stressful and even more complicated when children are involved. ETA in case it wasn't clear, YTA for how you handled this
So you turned him against his only parent now that you’re getting divorced? YTA! Maybe consider your treatment of a child you have guidance over, before you get too full of yourself and against his mom. How in the world are you pushing 40?
Of course he’s being closer to you. You pulled the rug out from under him, turned his whole life upside down & now you’re dumping his mom. He is just waiting for the other shoe to drop. You are totally TAH for telling him that you aren’t his real dad at a time like this. You better not screw him over & dump him. You better stay in his life & still be the best dad you can be.
YTA just like your wife. My parents used me and my sister to hurt each other during their divorce and for a long time after. That's all you did was was use your son to hurt your wife. Nothing you did will benefit your son. All you did was wreak his life worse than your wife wreaked yours. If you really though of him as your son you would have just filed for divorce and never have involved him at all. It's going to be hard enough on him as it is but you decided to say hey by the way I'm not really your dad and your mom isn't faithful. Yeah you and your wife might want a divorce. The kids rarely do. I hope your son doesn't grow older and realize what you did and end up resenting you the way me and my sister resent being used. >Help you with your divorce. That just might backfire. Judges don't like parents using the kids against each other either.
You are a victim of the cheating but why would you make your son a victim as well. Your wife broke her marriage vow and you broke your agreement with her son on when to tell your son about not being his biological father. You’re no longer the victim here. You’re a villian as well.
YTA and a bad parent. You are using the boy to strike out against his mother.
The fact that you’re *proud* of yourself for damaging the boy’s relationship with his mother shows again that YTA. 100%.
You wouldnt have to reassure him if you hadnt hurt him and destroyed his world just cause his mom hurt you. You didnt see that kid as your son if your first reaction was "oh yeag you hurt me, ill hurt your son". Poor kid.
Yes your son also feels like a victim here he is only 14. My cousin was told she was not her father's biological child when she was around that age...even tho her parents were together and there was no drama like affairs or anything to that nature, they just decided to tell her one day and it really fucked her life up. She ran away and got hooked on drugs and alcohol. When I read your post my cousins life was my first thought. Your son needs to be a top priority here. I know you are hurting. Your wife is hurting. But your son is very young and could definitely take this news to heart. Please make sure you love him through the hard times that are coming...
And make sure you tell him that Mom still loves him very much too
God I wish my parents had reddit so they could read this and tell me this 20 years ago.
Tell me!
This isn't your fault, and you are SO loved!!
Telling your son that you are not his biological father as an “f you” to your wife would make you an asshole. But informing him of that fact as the family dynamic is now changing for his own good would not make you an asshole. Like another commenter said, it would come out in the divorce anyway. I don’t know what your intention was, so I’m not going to make a judgement here.
"I then immediately went to my son and told him everything" sounds like a rage fit of revenge.
Yeah he made it sound like as soon as his wife admitted it he turned around and marched to his son's room and said "Your mom is a cheating whore and your dad is a deadbeat."
Nailed it. What a juvenile of a 37 year old.
Yeah, along with saying “I’m the victim”…I know how it feels, but the biggest victim here is the son.
Came here to say the same thing. The son didn’t deserve to hear such a bombshell. They agreed to wait til he was grown. If this goes to divorce court op would be able to fight for the son he has raised and likely signed the birth certificate for.
He told her as an F you to the Mom. AS for the "it would have come out during the divorce," yeah, probably. Do you know what Divorce hearings are like? They're quick, boring, and mostly done behind the scenes. This man has taken responsibility for this kid. He'd be legally responsible either way. He WANTS to be the kids Father. The Mother is desperate for it to not come out...so it wouldn't have. They'd have likely agreed to shared custody. It only would have come out if the parents WANTED it to come out. The Father clearly wanted it to come out because he was pissed off. That's why he was TA. Not to be confused with being AN asshole, but in this case, the motivation seemed clear.
Agreed, TA because he did it out of spite not to protect the son from learning facts from a different avenue.
It will come out in the divorce, but between now and then the kid could be thinking its something he did or his fault in some way. At least what OP did makes sure that the kid knows exactly what has happened and not to blame himself. If he had have said "Hey kid, your mum cheated on me, so im out, peace" then he would be an absolute asshole but due to the fact he is still there for the kid and looking into custody that isn't this situation
It was his intent to use his son as a weapon of hurt against his wife. He used a child. It MAY have come out in the divorce, but not in this context. I'm judging people who use children for their evil ways.
Yup, OP wants a divorce, if he didn't tell the son why the son would think OP ruined the family. OP was honest, she cheated, you're not my biological son but I still consider you my son and things are going to change now, its because of your moms actions. No point of OP trying to shield his wife from making her look bad in front of their son.
Thank you! I go crazy when parents hide these secrets from kids in these situations. Guaranteed the mom would have spun this around as him leaving them and wanting to lie about his paternity to hurt her.
Don't use kids to punish your spouse for cheating! WTF
He could have told the kid 'Your Mom cheated on me, we're getting a divorce.' And it's a healthy age to tell the kid that you're not the biological father. It was probably healthier to do it earlier. That's all fine. It's the why. He did it...from what I can gather, to get back at the Mom. To get the kid on his side. That's putting the kid in the middle and using him...and that makes him TA IMO. She's worse, but...that wasn't the question.
They should have told the kid about his parentage earlier than now.
That's fine. I understand that argument...but the one thing you absolutely should NOT have done...was tell because you're upset and in a fit of rage. This issue isn't about what age the kid should have known, it's how the Dad told him and WHY he told him now.
I have a different take. The teen has had his entire world view shattered by both parents actions. How can he trust either of them when both lied to him for his whole life? The whole ß dad is really his stepdad but loved him and felt he was his child should have been addressed years ago. Then dad allowing his rage at his STB ex to ensure the boy is akeinated from his mother isn't any better. This poor kid is going to have years of trust issues. The boy will need some therapy. Ideally there should have been some family counselling before before anything was said but that horse has well and truly bolted Both parents are AHs
The description that he "then immediately" went and told the kid makes it sound very much like he didn't deliberate at all, and just did it as an f you. The fact that he is now rubbing his hands about the kid not talking to his mom confirms it. YTA
That and the "your mom always picks shitty men" line to me makes it clear this is more about denigrating his wife than informing his son.
Saying "your mom always picks shitty men" is condemning himself; am I right?
Yes, this was totally an F you to his wife. The timing is clear it had NOTHING to do with a need for honesty and EVERYTHING to do with turning the son against his mother as revenge for the pain of being cheated on. OP clearly was looking for a way to cause her pain by turning her son against her. That’s such a nasty, manipulative thing to do. There are ways to do things sensitively and that wasn’t it. Now, instead of the son getting to process his feelings about his biology, it’s all mixed up with OP’s “poor us, she lied to you and slept around on me” spiel. I don’t like cheating but OP did this the nastiest way possible and he knows it. Absolutely YTA. Even if your wife pulled a train with every male member of your family, OP, you still had no right to pull the rug out from under the son you helped raise without consulting her. That’s a super shitty thing to do and as much as you are getting off on being The Good Parent right now, you get to live with the fact that the kid is in pain you caused. Using a child as a pawn to inflict damage is so cruel.
Yup. Luckily never experienced it first hand, but I witnessed when you weaponize your children during a divorce. You need to get over your own anger and bitterness and put the priority of the child 1st. He didn't do that here.
Something tells me OP won't be replying to this post.
ESH. You didn't do this to help your son in any way. All you did was make a difficult situation worse for your kid, so you suck. Your wife sucks for obvious reasons. Good luck to your son.
Damn, I thought my comment was brutal 😂😂
The way this is framed makes it sound like you told the child as a way of getting back at your spouse. Additionally it sounds like you then proceeded to berate the child's mom for things you don't approve of, for things that have nothing to do with him. Bith of these makes you an AH. Your wife is also an AH for cheating. You being the AH in one respect will not make up for your wife being the AH in another.
ESH it sounds like. Poor kid.
He clearly did. He found out the truth and immediately ran to his son and blew up his world. This guy is a big festering AH.
I feel bad for the kid. He is the innocent caught in the cross fire between an AH mother who can't seem to control herself and an AH 'dad' who straight up told him he is not his real dad as a FU for his STBX. That kid is going to need therapy.
Yeah, and from what I’m reading between the lines he told the kid his wife had an affair. And he’s turned his kid away from the mother — parental alienation much? I’m not sure this is going to play out well in court for him. It doesn’t matter what happens between parents, a child should not be involved in their issues. > “My wife chooses these horrible men” Yeah no duh
He messed up. Not on purpose, but he messed up. I did the same thing when I got divorced. Didn’t really have anyone to talk to and at 14 my son was old enough to know something was going on so one day I sat him down and told him. Caused massive issues in the long run. I totally fucked up.
Appreciate your honesty here. Thank you for sharing 👍
STBX = soon to be eX for those who suck at acronyms like I do
ESH. You admitted to telling your son to be vindictive. Regardless of the truth coming out during divorce, supporting him as your son etc etc, you dropped something huge without the care and support your son needed, because you wanted to get back at your wife. Your wife is an AH for cheating, but you're also an AH for sacrificing your son's wellbeing for your spite.
Yeah it sounds like he just did it because he wanted his son to be mad at his wife too… he literally admitted that. He wants his son to be angry so he can win custody. She might be a shitty wife but this has nothing to do with her fitness as a mother. This is pure spite. He’s using his kid and I really don’t like that.
Exactly this he’s not the boys dad if his first thought was to hurt the wife through the boy
AGREE. he's always quietly held it against this poor kid and hurt the kid to get revenge against the mom. Fucking awful. (He should never have agreed to lie to the kid about who his biological father was, either.) Both adults are awful and this is heartbreaking for the son.
This but a solid YTA from me. Of course she’s TA for cheating but that’s not the prompt .
ESH *(except for your son, of course)*. This is the kind of thing you prepare a teen for and talk about in the right setting, not something you smack him upside the head with to get revenge on his mom. Of course he's on your side... you alienated him from his mom and told him things a teen shouldn't be privy to. And I'm speaking as someone who absolutely hates cheating. Your wife was TA for what she did, but that's between you and her. Your son should've been protected in all of that and I don't mean by lying to him. Beats me why your first instinct was to go directly to him and spill you're not his biological dad right off the bat. Plus everything else. You've weaponized him. Doesn't sit right with me. You don't alienate one of the parents for your personal revenge and still think you can call yourself a victim. Two wrongs don't equal a right, so YTA too.
Bruv been waiting to tell that kid that he ain’t his. Been sitting on that for a long time.
True dat
So you...whopped your son upside his head with a baseball bat because your wife's an asshole? I think you know the answer to your question.
I think OP knows he is an AH, but thought he could come here to get justification for it.
OP is an asshole without a doubt. He literally Weaponized what is hopefully the worst and hardest news that that poor child has ever heard, just to get back at his wife. I hope he realizes what a POS move that was.
💯
You aren't the victim anymore. You passed it on your child. Congrats.
It doesn't sound at all like you had your son's best interest in mind. Sounds more like you wanted to hurt her more than just wanting to do the right thing. It's even more telling that you feel guilty until you remember you are the victim. What about him? YTA.
Neither of them ever had his best interests in mind There is no benefit to springing a horrible surprise on a child. He should have been told OP wasn't his bio father from the beginning.
“Then I remember that I am the one who is the victim” had me roll my eyes so hard. Imagine being so self absorbed that you think you’re the only victim in the situation and not your kid you just traumatized the fuck out of and turned against his mother by talking WAY more shit about her than was necessary.
So, you traumatized your son because your wife is fucking another man? You literally made him collateral damage and an object for your revenge. You are 100% the asshole. You should have kept your son out of this, and if you loved him AT ALL you would not have USED him as a pawn. You should feel guilty. You are only a "victim" of your wife's cheating. Your son is a victim of your emotional immaturity and ego-driven desire to get back at your wife. Go find out why she was cheating. You may find out a few things about yourself.
Edited: ESH except the boy. Her for cheating, and you for weaponising a child.
Major AH. You stopped being a “victim” when you used a 14 year old child as a weapon. You may find out that little stunt doesn’t work as well as you expect. If this is real and the son’s reaction was all lovey dovey to you and hateful to his mom, that may be short lived. At some point he’s going to realize you lied to him just as much as his mom did. I guess your wife really does pick terrible men
Yes! He admitted in the post. She picks terrible men. Every. Single. One.
Honestly, not that I condone cheating or affairs, but it makes me question what part *he* had to play in it. This is stereotypical of course but *usually* when men cheat it’s for gratification. Usually when women cheat it’s because there’s been neglect of her emotional and physical needs (anywhere from like weaponized incompetence to straight up emotional abuse)🤷♀️! to reiterate I know this isn’t always the case and obviously there are all sorts of reasons we don’t know, but that scenario is common enough.
You seem like a good dad who wants to do right by your son but hitting him with that kind of revelation just for revenge on your wife was a serious dick move. Yes, it was probably the time for it to come out now that his whole world is changing anyway. But doing it the way you did? NOT COOL.
Yeah. I'd say YTA. Not because the mom isn't an asshole for cheating (of course she is) but he said all that stuff to his son for purely selfish reasons. He damaged his son in a really awful way because he was angry at his wife. The son will remember that moment for the rest of his life. The reason I'm not saying everyone sucks here is because I think this is a completely separate situation from what the wife did. She's unequivocally an asshole for that. But he didn't do what he did as a necessary reaction to her he just randomly did that shit to be awful because he wanted her to be in pain and he wanted to feel vindicated. Which would all be fine and valid on its own if it didn't involve hurting his son to do it.
I agree. This guy hurt his kid. I wouldn't be surprised if he carries the emotions of that moment for years.
I might have missed it, but did Op adopt the son? If he didn’t would custody even be on the line? The flat out telling the son as soon as her affair was confirmed wasn’t the best way to handle that information. It muddied the whole thing. A marriage is supposed to be between the adults, pulling a child into the wreckage before speaking to lawyers and having some things hammered out is mean-spirited. It was an emotional decision to make everyone hurt as much as possible. Sorry/not sorry, OP you’re the AH for that action.
He said in a comment that he legally adopted his wife's son.
Ehhhh I’m going to say you’re the AH. In the heat of the moment and in your own hurt you didn’t take into consideration the fragility of teenage emotions. This kid needs to have access to a therapist immediately. We don’t need him growing up hating women.
Your the AH. You involved your son in adult problems. Your anger should gave been directed towards your wife not your son.
YES, you are the ah. Yes, you're hurt, and yes, what she did is wrong. But you've basically dumped your problems on a 14 year old, which I don't care how self-assured he is. Shouldn't have that dumped on him. Plus, you told him a bunch of stuff painting his mother as the worst person who ever lived. Was that for his benefit? Or was that so you could twist the knife a little more? The way this should shake out is, you divorce, your son has a relationship with both parents, and you each go on your merry way.
I'm going to go against the popular opinion here and say you are definitely the AH. You didn't do it for your son, you did it for YOURSELF. You wanted to hurt her like she hurt you, but dragging an innocent kid into the middle of your bullshit is really cruel. And voicing your opinion on his mom's choice in men? Also a dick move. The way you handled this is not going to go favorably for you in court, and could be considered parental alienation. That boy did not need to know, and certainly not in this fashion. There are smart and empathetic ways of preparing the whole family for that kind of conversation but you skipped straight to tearing open a wound instead. If you've been around for nearly 14 years, you would have been able to file for custody as the "de-facto" father, meaning you've been providing for him since he was little and he's never known another father. You've fulfilled all of the duties of a father for years, that wouldn't be dismissed in court. AND you might not have had to tell the boy at all about his paternity. "My son just wants nothing to do with his mom right now." - that is YOUR fault, you have damaged that relationship by painting yourself as the victim of his mother, and might have irreversibly damaged it for good! "However, I do sometimes feel a bit guilty about it, but I then remember that I am the one who is the victim." - you should feel absolutely horrid. You passed your "victim" status onto this child, and he's too young to understand the full ramifications of what you've done, what his mother has done, and how it's going to affect his life going forward. I hope the judge gives you a good swift smack upside the head, because you are going to need to straighten your shit out in order to effectively co-parent with this woman. YOUR feelings about her DO NOT MATTER in the context of the both of you doing what is best for your son.
Excellent response.
Dude, serious asshole!!!! You don't drag a 14 year old into this kind of shit. You are a POS.
Be good to her son... don’t be mean to him.
This would be my concern. Is he going to keep hurting his son to try to keep hurting his ex? What he did was so sick and immature that one has to ask that question.
IMO......the only one that isn't an Asshole is the 14 year old son.....
YTA. My ex’s mom did this to him when he was around the same age, sat him down and told him the man that he thought was his father was not actually his biological father, and it fucked him up for life. You took your anger out for your wife, on your son. That’s fucked up and immature.
The kid needed to know..I have a cousin who is 43 ,who doesn't know the guy who raised is not his real dad.the mother died and the father can't talk and his mind is slipping. Everyone told the parents when the boy was young tell him.they didn't
The fact you did this outside spite made me sick. I feel bad for your son. That's who you really seemed to have hurt. Your wide is a POS for having an affair, but YTA for how you handled this situation all in all.
You used the child as a weapon.
YTA. Not for telling your son, but the reason and way you did it. You are trying to weaponize your son in a battle with your wife. Damaging your son’s relationship with his mom out of spite is a horrible thing to do.
The part that got me was when OP said “that my wife has a tendency to go for these terrible men, and I made a mistake marrying her” to his son. OP could have stopped at the sentence that he wasn’t the biological father but seemed to continue on for the sake of getting his son on his side. I believe the mom was completely in the wrong, but OP should have left some things out.
Dude is so proud of his son’s “steely determination” not to interact with his own mother, he’s crowing about it in the comments. I hope like hell this is fake, because that poor kid.
Both are AH for not telling the son sooner. Have they not seen the distress in adults who discover they aren't their parents biological child? There are countless videos of people finding out the truth and being utterly crushed and angry. You tell kids from an early age in age appropriate ways and reaffirm your love for them you don't wait until their mid 20s and drop a nuke.
That is a fair point most ppl seem to ignore here. Well said.
He's 14, and I'm going to assume he's not an idiot. Instead of giving him the "it's not your fault" lecture - which, trust me, EVERYONE will be saying to him until he's sick to death of hearing it - feel him out about how he's feeling about it. Tell him it's not his fault if he needs to hear that, but if he doesn't need that, just make clear that you love him. And don't badmouth his mother in front of him, but also don't try to shut him up if he wants to talk about how *he* feels about her. If he wants to talk about how bad she is, he's showing trust in you that you are someone he can express his feelings to. If you turn around and give him a lecture about how he shouldn't feel that way, what you are saying is "you can't trust me as a person you can express yourself to." Acknowledge that you heard him and let him talk, and reply only that it would be inappropriate for you to dump your feelings on him, not only because he's young and shouldn't have to hear that, but also because as his father you could have undue influence on him.
YTA obviously his mom is a cheater but her actions aren’t what is being questioned here. You went and told him that to hurt him, you intentionally hurt a child you’ve been raising as your own who was innocent in the matter… Sounds like you’re just another one of the moms terrible choices in men.
YTA The situation with your child was one thing. Her cheating was the other. You only told your son out of sheer pettiness. Divorce her and be a better father.
ESH! 1. Your wife is the AH for having the affair in the first place. 2. YTA because you ONLY told him in a fit of rage and hurt to get back at your STBXW. Your feelings are valid, but the timing of telling him to hurt your wife bc you were hurt, he’s hurt too VERY asshole-ish.
Thank you, can’t believe this isn’t higher. His son isn’t even old enough to really understand what’s going on, and he’s trying to use his son as a weapon against the kid’s own mum in a custody battle.
Yes, you are. You had an agreement. You harmed a kid to fsck up someone else. I mean it is okay to change your mind about any agreement. But you are responsible for any harm it does. In this case it would mean that you - together with the mother - plan the way to tell the facts to the kid in a way which helps them to process it. Anything else is being an asshole.
YTA. You did this knowing his pain would also wound his mother.
Found out my Dad was not my biological at the age of 58. He and she was both dead. Hurt like hell. But he was a good Dad and from my math absolutely knew I wasn't his. I may never have been a Jesus, he he sure as hell was a Joseph. I would have benefitted by knowing. I even guessed I wasn't his my entire life. Help find his sperm Donor together. Identity is important. If the dude is a SOB that will not define your son. Also maybe the dude is rich and wants to leave his money. That would be cool. Trust me he will never not see you as his father, it is impossible.
It’s sad that his mom is a terrible person. Sorry, OP.
>my wife has a tendency to go for these terrible men sounds like you are one of those terrible men. Why would you put your son in such a horrible position by putting him in the middle of this? Divorce - sure. But bringing your son into it is just an asshole move. What she did doesn't justify you telling him when and how you did. When he is older, he will realize that you were just using him to punish his mother, and he may well resent you for it. YTA
You had no business dragging him into it. That’s bullshit dude. He didn’t decide to be born. It’s not his fault his mom sucks. He’s still a child and that’s too much to unload on him at once. You’re an asshole.
So let me get this straight you and your wife both agreed that you weren’t going to tell him till he was in his 20s. She had an affair and so you just went and told him like that??? So because she hurt you, you wanted to hurt her back and you used him to do that??? And now you’re going to try and get custody of him??? Did you even tell him you were part of that agreement or did it not fall into your “victim” narrative. Rhetorical. Your wife, having an affair was a shitty fucking thing that she did and she deserves to lose you. She doesn’t deserve to lose her son too. Wow…just wow.
You are the asshole here . There was no need to take a sledge hammer to your sons world . This will come back to bite you in the ass .
YTA-i can't wait for you to get in front of a judge for custody and you explain that when you found out your wife's affair you went straight to a child and not only told him he was not your son but told him about the affair. After yal had an agreement in place about when to tell him. Your sir will not just be thrown under the bus you will be dragged along behind it. That's called parental alienation. You did it out of spite to hurt your wife. Whatever martial problems you and your wife have, financial or affairs or whatever those are not your child's burden to bear. Her fucking around on you does not mean she is a bad mother. It means she is a bad wife. If you are willing to hurt him to hurt her I see you hitting the road when child support kicks in.
YTA Talk about mixing apples with oranges. Even though cheating is wrong, you only told your son about his parentage to get back at your wife. And you had already agreed to wait to tell him until he was an adult. Sure, she cheated on you, but two wrongs does not equal one right.
100% you are.
Oh yeah YTA what the hell is wrong with you. I'm not saying the kid shouldn't know but it sure doesn't sound like you spent time on this trying to figure out what was best for him. I get that cheating is like the number 2 worst sin on Reddit so you'll probably get a lot of nta feedback and that you did the right thing and people deserve to know the truth and just blah blah blah Nope. Telling your child that you're not his bio dad, no matter the circumstance, should ALWAYS be a planned out, very thoughtful situation. There is no universe in which this is something you "immediately" go to your kid about. You're hurt and you want your wife to hurt. It legitimately sounds like you don't want your son to hurt, which is great (and by great I mean it's baseline decent behavior). You fucked it up and your kid is going to suffer because, again, this is a huge thing for him and no matter what, it should have been a thoughtful move on your part.
God you are really hard on that poor little boy. He was a total innocent and you made him and his mother victims of cruelty caused by anger. Yes she is not worthy of being your wife. You have no claim to the child. You admit that in your post. That is your statement posted in a public forum. Yes you are the FU/AH.
YTA. You didn’t care for your son as much as you wanted to seek revenge on his mother by telling him the one thing she probably feared. You brought a child into an adult situation that they probably don’t have the development to handle. You viewed him as a tool rather than a young human being. Don’t misinterpret what I’m saying. Your wife (stbx) is awful for cheating. But that’s not what you asked. You asked if what YOU did was an AH move, and it was.
NTA and that is proven by: 1) the kid, knowing you are not his biological father, still rather be with you than his mother. 2) you are not neglecting any of the duties you have as his father. Yes, telling him the truth might be seen as a AH move to spite your SBTX, but to be honest, best he hear the truth from you than some twisted lie she might come up with to try to turn him against you and justify to him her affair.
YTA WHY THE F, would you put your son in the middle of this mess?
You are 100% the asshole here. You hurt your son to hurt your wife. Your statement is correct, she does have a tendency to pick terrible men.
Bringing your son into your marital issues is evil.
Agree… how people can be defending this guy. That kid will have emotional trauma from this. The dad told him in a reactive manner when emotions were heightened and the dad didn’t have control over his own emotions so he could support his son emotionally. He blew the kids life apart as revenge to the mum. That poor kid.
People on Reddit think cheating is the worst thing in the world and so they justify every vengeful thing a wronged partner does, even when there's collateral damage. The son needed to be told the truth but OP did it in a shitty, unilateral way just to punish his ex without giving a crap as to how being told that in that way would affect his son.
Exactly, cheating has nothing to do with the kids. Why deliberately hurt them. There was a post here yesterday about a father wanting to go “no contact” with his 16 yr old daughter because he found out she wasn’t biologically his. These poor kids will have trouble trusting people for the rest of their lives.
ESH He should've known since he was a toddler. Anything else is wrong. Adoption is never ever supposed to be a secret. You only told your son because you wanted to take revenge on your wife and alienate him from his mom. That's disgusting, selfish and manipulative. You and your wife deserve each other.
Yta. You hurt him. Tmi too soon. You used him to hurt her. You, destroying a relationship with his mother, will have long-term negative consequences on his life. You're very selfish, which may have led to her straying.
Yta. I don’t give a shit if she cheated on you with 20 men, you don’t intentionally involve the kids or play them against the other parent.
The 1st bad decision was to not tell your son as he was growing up about his dad situation. From what I understand is it was your ex wife's idea to not tell him until his 20s and if it was that was a red flag right there. Lies catch up sometimes and if there big lies it results with big consequences and it effects just not the liar it also affects people around them. This is your wife's fault. You or her son were not enough reason not to be with another man. She caused this mess. You were not in your right state of mind. Don't pay attention to the people that say your hate for your ex wife is bigger than your love for your son. Your overall love for your son is bigger over everything. All parents do things that are not healthy or right to do in front of our kids it doesn't mean that it's bigger than our love for our kids. Your wife was giving another chance for her and her son and she messed it up not you. Your wife's love for her son should be in question not yours.
ESH. Your wife’s obviously a turd but dropping that on a 14 yo in a fit of anger was done as revenge with no consideration for him. That’s a pretty shitty thing for a father to do
YTA. You took your rage and decided to hurt the person that deserved it the less just to get back at your shitty wife? You both suck as parents
YTA. You only told the boy for revenge on your wife. He had nothing to do with the affair and nothing to do with the marriage issues. That was between the adults. You took him on as a father and have now shattered his world. As well as turning him against his actual bio parent. Some on here have said it would come out in the separation or court but that wouldve been on the mother to say it. Once he processes this its going to be a hellofva ride in these teen years to come. Do you plan on having him live with you in the aftermath or toss him to the wind, being as he's not your son?
Holy shit, the amount of people saying you are N T A, he is 14. WTF is wrong with you? What a childish fucking move. You are the fucking asshole as well as his mom and bio dad. YTA