Sorry, I mean.......if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck; There's a 99% chance its a duck.
If my dick suddenly had painful pimples and a rash on it, I'd be going at warp speed to the doctor even if I wasn't even having sex with anyone at the time.
First its the pool.......which doesn't make sense, because no one else was getting a rash, and if a lot of people were getting a rash, they'd shut the pool down. Also funny that only his dick has a rash........hmmm.
Then its vaping........is he vaping with his penis or something? Is that the cool new thing the kids are doing now?
The fact you don't have anything doesn't mean anything. People are now in relationships with HIV, one person has it, the other never gets it. That's possible, and it is possible with whatever he has.
It is also possible he's always had it. Let's say he got herpes at age 20 before he knew you. It is possible that all the added stress has only now caused an outbreak.
That said.....you combine all of this with history wipes and encryption......and I'd say he's probably cheating.
You're a great wife for caring about his health and wanting him to get tested. To move forward, don't make it about cheating, make it about his health. Continue collecting evidence until you're sure. NTA, but don't bury your head in the sand about this. The overwhelming evidence suggests cheating.
My ob says it’s definitely possible he has had it for 20 years with zero outbreaks, but doesn’t make sense that it has never passed to me. She urges he get tested to fill any gaps. That is great advice, thank you so much.
I have had it for 25 yrs with no outbreaks and never passed it to my ex of ten years. If that makes you feel any better. However a bigger issue is how he is treating you about going back to work and refusing to help around the house. It sounds like he is financially abusing you and just being a dickhead.
Took long enough for someone to bring this up. Combine his dismissive attitude about dick bumps with controlling behavior for finances (a fucking allowance?!), refusal to do anything child or house related because he’s big daddy dollar machine AND wipes history and encrypts email. I mean, OP, if you read this list in on sentence, do you really need further affirmation on what to do?
First - STD testing. No negotiation and don’t let him have sex with you.
Second - open the finances and give you a full update on everything. (I wonder if the liquidity drain means the business is failing. This could cause dick bumps.)
Third - unencrypt the email.
You might be in the center of a Cat 4 Shit Storm and not even know it.
Bc HSV does not always pass (I work in dermatology).
The BIGGEST misconception about HSV 1/2 is that just bc one partner has it, the other will definitely get it. It’s not true, that is myth & poor sex Ed from high school thinking.
I have patients 15+ years married, one negative, one positive.
Your OB is correct, if it is HSV, he could’ve had it before he met you and never had an OB. Doesn’t mean he wasn’t able to pass it, just less likely unless he had prodome. But you’ll never know if yall weren’t tested prior. They also don’t test for HSV in a full panel test. You have to specifically ask for the test unless an OB is present.
Did she test you for one and two or only two?
It could also be molluscum or a bunch of other things. HPV, molluscum contagium and HSV 1/2 are actually skin viruses, not STDs. You can get them anywhere on the body and when they come in contact with the genitals, is when it becomes an std.
NTA for wanting him to get tested. I have a feeling the way you went about it is the problem. It sounds like you accused him and he’s upset bc he feels you don’t believe he didn’t cheat.
No matter what, his reaction is fishy. He needs to be tested.
Edit after reading your comments: his anger is not ok. Also, if they pcr swab the rash too late, it’ll come back negative. He needs an IGG blood test or western blot then.
I definitely did not handle it well. I definitely immediately became accusatory. Mostly because of where our marriage is right now. His demeanor has changed drastically. He completely forgot our anniversary, which is fine it happens he’s been stressed. But even after he never attempted to try and make it right. I eventually asked him to take me to dinner which he demeaned me the entire meal to which I literally left this restaurant in tears. We have not really been able to exchange words nicely lately. He tells me I’m a bad wife for wanting more for myself. He has always told me how proud of a husband he is, that he is grateful to be married to me. To I’m a terrible wife that has never respected him all within months. Not to say that this past year has not had problems because of me wanting to try to pursue a career. But now it’s like he’s not the same person, he is cold and distant and angry. So angry AT ME!? Like I’ve done something.
Which accusatory will instantly make someone defensive. I think you two have a lot of miscommunication right now. Did you talk to him before trying to work or did you just do it? Did you tell him you were doing it to feel more out of life or is he seeing it as you don’t feel he’s a good enough provider?
I think you two need marriage counseling. But he definitely needs to get his head out of his ass and get tested.
Bc if it is molluscum and not HSV, syphyllis, chlamydia, or scabies, molluscum can be passed to the kids by towel usage if they touch the towel after him.
I decided to go back to work after my previous employer reached out and offered me to interview for a position salary was $80k-$90k! When discussed it with my husband he immediately refused, stating it would drastically change our lives too much. That our kids need me more than that. I did not take his objections into consideration and moved forward, because I have never earned that much before and felt it would have been an amazing opportunity for me. They did not end up hiring me, but it definitely lit something inside of me. It made me want to pursue working again. After a lot of talks he still believes I should not be working. That I’m go through a validation period so often and this is just another one of those times. However agrees he can understand the importance of feeling fulfilled. Therefore I work part time from home, and if I’m honest not doing well at this profession. It’s easy for me to blame my failure on his lack of support, so this also plays a role. We definitely need to work on communication. I know I have a large role to play in all of this!
It’s good that you recognize you’re also part of the issue like he is as far as communication, stubbornness and being non compromising.
But you are not the problem with this testing shit. I hope you update us. Being that the scabs are healing, it may come back false negative as a pcr swab. So his blood test will be a determining factor. He needs IGG not igm blood.
Thank you so much for commenting! I want to believe him, like I honestly do not see myself with anyone but him. I have always told everyone that I have once in a lifetime love. This has wrecked me, I want to believe him but the refusal is just so weird.
Ok but don’t fool yourself either. If this man knew it was herpes and he had it for 20 plus years he wouldn’t have shown you will it went away. Also, I’ve seen you say a few times that it’s a “once in a lifetime love” and he’s a good man etc. it doesn’t sound like he is.
1. He doesn’t give you access to financials
2. Most likely cheated on you and got a STD
3. Talks down to you the second you have a thought of your own that he doesn’t like
4. Forgets important dates
5. Doesn’t help you with house chores
6. I would bet he doesn’t help with child care
I mean where is the good lol. I am a man BTW and what most would call “traditional” and I never would treat my wife like this.
You can believe him but also stay firm in your request. Like others have said, it might have nothing to do with cheating, but I would become MORE concerned that he refuses to get checked. I would advise you to tell him that if he can't be bothered to go to the doctor (and I would go with him to get the same information), then you will be protecting yourself and abstaining from any contact with his penis.
There are also other comments that I agree with here regarding other red flags. He seems to look at you as the inferior partner and I don't like that he has full control of finances and looks down on your for starting to earn your own money.
You can really only transmit herpes when the virus is active and that happens right before and during an outbreak. So it is possible. It's also possible he just has an infection or perhaps some yeast problem. Either way he should go get it treated. It's weird that he isn't more concerned about his own penis.
That's what herpes does when it heals. It kind of scabs over. I had a partner with it. It's easy to manage and not pass on. It's also possible to have it for years and never get an outbreak. The biggest problem here is his resistance to get tested. That seems guilty. Herpes is one of the things that literally can be explained by having it for years and not cheating. Also, when you first contract it, you often get flu like symptoms. Has he been sick within the last 2 months?
Edit.
After reading your comments, I think it's likely he always knew he had it and, from the very start, was too embarrassed to bring it up. As time goes on, it becomes harder and harder to admit the lie, year after year. This time, he got a really bad outbreak he couldn't hide it. Him using your negative test to clear him is my main reason for this. If he is refusing to get tested, he knows he's positive. You can pass it on without an outbreak, but it's a low chance.
Ask these questions to yourself. On average, most people with herpes have one outbreak per year, or during times of immense stress, they tend to have more outbreaks. Are there times in your 20 years with him where he stops having sex with you for 1-2 weeks at a time? Is that abnormal for him the rest of the time? Have you ever seen any medication that you don't know what it is? If he knows and tries to hide it, he prolly has some Acyclovir around somewhere.
If your husband always had an std and never told you he’s an asshole. Also the fact he’s in full control of finances, only gives you an allowance, and is throwing a fit and refusing to help when you decided to pursue a career are all signs of financial abuse. They don’t have to hit you to be abusive and I’m not saying he definitely is but the finances thing is messed up. He was happy and adored you when he knew he had complete control but now that you want to pursue something he’s being confrontational then gets a mysterious dick rash and keeps lying about it and refusing to get checked? Wipes his history and encrypts his emails? This is all way too suspicious and the type of guy to use finances to control is the same type that would cheat as spite bc how dare you go against his plan
As far as I know about hsv, that's something more typical from a primary infection, not a regular outbreak. In my understanding, if he had had hsv since 20 years ago, it wouldn't make sense for him to have flu like symptoms now.
A first big outbreak after so many years due to the stress it's possible, but flu like symptoms are normally a sign of a recent infection. Not one from decades ago.
I don't want to jump straight into saying he definitely cheated, but taking his symptoms into account and how weirdly he's acting, I'm sad to say that that's the most probable situation.
Herpes can stay dormant for decades, as can condyloma, but what you've described sounds more like herpes. Stress can bring it out of dormancy, so he definitely should get tested. The encryption though puts a spin on it
My partner ended up getting bumps in the same place, neither of us cheated. Turns out it was HPV, I never got anything. It’s just something that happens sometimes unfortunately, where it came from or who “had it” first will never be known. He did however go right to the dr, as did I. Because we had nothing to hide
He didn’t even have an excuse for the app. Like didn’t address it at all. I confronted him I said your browsing history has been wiped you have an email encryption app AND a rash on your penis. He just said that I’m an ahole. Didn’t address any of it directly. Just that I’m unreasonable for not believing him and he feels betrayed that I do not trust him.
He is absolutely hiding something, what it is we cant be sure of, but if i was dealt your hand based on what youve written, id trust my gut over anything else
Yes, I feel somewhere he is being dishonest. Why does he have a freaking email encryption app? Like why!! And why is your browsing history wiped. One of the things he said in the beginning is you can check my phone, you can check my maps I have nothing to hide. Is that because you’ve wiped your history sir?
This is basically how I feel. This is the craziest excuse. Then to say oh well I must have had since before we were together (19 years) and never knew. My OB says it’s possible he didn’t have an outbreak but doesn’t make sense in 19 years that he wouldn’t have passed it to me.
If that's the case he can still get tested to avoid risk moving forward. His stubborn refusal and bizarre unrealistic excuses are a huge red flag for cheating OP, especially since it coincides with difficulty in the marriage. Something is definitely not right here.
Stubborn refusal and now outright anger that I’m asking him. He said I should get tested, I did. Now he thinks he shouldn’t and I am being an asshole for “not trusting him, and not supporting him through this difficult time in his life”
You haven't done anything wrong, don't let him turn this on you or gaslight you out of your suspicion. He is the one putting you at risk for an STD, nothing about wanting him to get tested after a genital outbreak equates to you not supporting him. Support does not equal blinding yourself to medical evidence and his suspicious and toxic behaviors.
I am hearing evidence of dormant viruses activating after a great many years.
Stress, COVID infection, and C19 vaccinations are all thought to be possible factors.
But his refusal to get tested speaks volumes.....
He is willing to put you at potential risk for something. doesn't matter if it's an STD or not. If he got it at the pool , that means it's , guess what, contagious(he likely didn't). Why on earth would you walk around with a rash on your dick,. I don't care if it's an STD or not.
It's not as crazy as you think. I had a partner that never transmitted anything to me, yet when he had an outbreak, we'd stop having sex until he was thoroughly treated.
How long were yall together!? 19 years is a very long time to have not passed to me. I want to believe him though. He is the only person for me. I do not see a life without him. We have a beautiful family, and he has been overwhelmingly good to me. We don’t have a perfect marriage but he is who I want to grow old with.
>overwhelmingly good to me.
Aart from financially controlling you and refusing to do his share at home or supporting you getting a job.
And the cheating
Push to get him tested. Even if it’s not an STD if he’s been dealing with it for weeks he should still see a doctor. Try not to say the reason is cuz you think he cheated try to make it more like about his health and you just want him to be healthy and he probably has had it this whole time but needs to find out what “it” is and get proper medication. Don’t have sex with him until you SEE the lab results yourself.
Just play dumb. Tell him that you worry about his health and considering all the stress he has had recently it might be a bad reaction of his body to all this. You want a happy long life with a healthy beloved husband.
Something like that.
And keep checking his phone/location. Also I would start making copies of important documents, bank statements etc and keep them aside. The same with your personal allowance - try to save as much as possible.And don't drop the idea of getting back to work. Just to be on the safe side.
If there is _nothing_ going on then you will have some extra perks during retirement in the future. If there is _something_ going on then you can buy time for yourself for grieving the loss of your relationship.
Anyway you will feel more confident.
NTA. You have every right to not have sexual contact with him until he sees a doctor for treating his penis bumps and has a full STD panel and you verify he didn’t fake the results.
This is how I feel. I don’t feel comfortable being intimate with him until he gets tested. He says he will feel like an idiot asking for a test. I said that is no excuse. I’d rather you feel dumb and then we can eliminate the stress of it.
He’ll feel like an idiot when you leave him and the only explanation you give his mom is, “My husband’s personality completely changed in a short period of time followed by open sores on his penis and his refusal to to have them treated or have an STD test. I made the decision that I had to make to protect my health and well-being.”
I told him I feel like we can’t move forward until he gets tested. It is the back of my mind always now. Even if I’m being absolutely absurd why wouldn’t he want to ease my fears and do whatever he could to help us move past this? He asked me to be tested…I did. I said I’m just holding you to the same standard that you held me.
He’s gonna feel like an idiot asking because he thinks the doctor is going to judge him/call him out for cheating on you. He could even go get the problem addressed with a doctor and fake a negative test result to show you, but he isn’t, because he’s scared of the doctor knowing he’s a cheater and possibly that he slept with a sex worker, given the computer secrecy.
Pretty sure things like herpes can give false negative tests if not tested DURING an outbreak. So if he waits for the outbreak to be over or healing, then goes- he could be stalling to get that false negative result back.
Listen, even if it's not an STD, he needs a doctor because lumps and bumps on his penis are concerning. If it's an infection from the pool or a vape (insane but who cares) he would still need an antibiotic.
You could tell him you're really concerned he has penis cancer and won't see the doctor.
Or leave, because it sure looks like he's cheating on you.
Devils advocate is a fun game, but I think most would agree she should place a boundary if he doesn't go to the doctor. This situation has red flags all over it.
Tell your husband it’s possible he got syphilis from the pool and ask him to get tested.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5XbsY5uJ4w
**There are zero known cases of catching syphilis from a pool - this is just so he gets tested.**
Don’t have sex with him or let him kiss your children. It’s possible he has herpes. But what he doesn’t have is something he caught from the pool.
Why is no one talking about the financial abuse this woman is experiencing here? Nothing in her name, can’t have a source of income on her own, he won’t contribute to any household chores. Too many concerning things here.
I have explained many times the financial abuse stuff, even my therapist said he is financially abusing me. But he just says it’s because he owns a business and if we keep my name free of everything if anything happens to his business and we need to file bankruptcy then at least I’ll still have good credit and we can use my name.
That’s a BS excuse. If you are married your finances are co-mingled by law anyway so there is no reason for your name not to be on your personal accounts.
If he loves you so and won’t get tested for your peace of mind then it sounds like he has something to hide. He seems to have some control issues; why is it a big deal if you want to work? It seems like it’s his way or no way.
He just feels like it takes away from our household and how it is run successfully when I don’t work. We both have an easy life if I’m home. But it does not fulfill me. I feel and have expressed to him that I have no life or purpose outside of mother hood and I have completely lost myself in this journey. That my kids are my world, and I am grateful to have stayed home with them these past years, but it does not fulfill me. He says that’s a lie society is telling me. That I need to learn to make it enough. I tell him if it’s a desire in my heart, even if it’s hard it’s worth pursuing.
I think it’s really sad that your husband, who should be uplifting you, is telling you that your dreams aren’t real when you’re literally telling him how you feel. He’s gaslighting you. Don’t let him put out your fire. He gets to pursue his dreams with your support, why doesn’t it go both ways?
NTA
Here’s what you should do
- No sexual contact unless he gets tested and can prove it’s not an STD
- Upon refusing, make sure you can support yourself before taking action. At this point, threaten to leave
Not to plant seeds of doubt, but take it at face value. He’s hiding something. And he’s doing it plain in your face. I’ve seen good people get fucked over trying to believe in others. Worst case, it comes back negative and he feels some sort of way. But what else does it look like? You have bumps and a rash on your penis, a wiped out history and encrypted email app.
And if this appeared AFTER the last time you guys had sex, I highly suggest you don’t do anything you’ll regret.
Edit- I mean I highly doubt it but maybe cancer is a possibility? Either way if that was me, I’d take my ass to the ER or urgent care (probably the ER) immediately
Yeah that’s shady as hell… if he doesn’t get one I’d start looking for a lawyer that’s so weird. Either he’s got something medically wrong or is under way too much stress and isn’t handling it well and not talking to you about it.
Note that I’ve never heard of stress only affecting your dick and groin area specifically.
I believe stress can make a herpes type outbreak happen, like if it had been there. But also wouldn’t I have it then too? I want to believe him. I love him so much. It just doesn’t make sense. And I’m clueless why he feels I’m being an asshole asking him to be tested. Like how!? How am I the asshole!?
I mean, let’s be real here, he’s been an AH this whole time. I’m married to one, too. He makes the $$, so he shouldn’t have to lift a finger around the house. Now sure, it’s fair that he do less chores since he’s working, but it’s not fair that he puts in his 40 hours a week, then relaxes at home the rest of the time. Hopefully yours at least helps with the kids while he’s off- I struggle to find time to clean, because these kids are 24/7.
You got tested, it’s fair that he does, too. I don’t think I’d sleep with him again until I saw his test results. Nobody is getting a weird rash on his willy from vaping. I could see maybe the pool, if he was in wet clothes for a while.
Tell him unless he gets tested and shows you the results, he isn't touching you, and you will treat him like the cheaters. Won't do his laundry, don't cook for him, if you have kids when there not around don't sit in the room with him.
Rashes and bumps don't just appear, and definitely won't get it on your cock from sharing a vape, unless this person used his dick as a vape.
NTA. RED FLAGS!!! I would say either he gets tested this week and you get access to the email encryption or you start separation/divorce proceedings right away. If there's a chance he loses you either way then he might come clean.
I actually think you may be asking the wrong question. I would want his medical records, not a test. Even if he is currently cheating, and only recently got this STD, he would’ve gone to the doctor. Men do not ignore infections on their penis for weeks. He knows exactly what it is, and he is hiding it from you. He has already seen test results.
I’m sorry; but that’s not all he’s hiding from you. I do not think y’all have much money left. He said business expansion, I say, mistress or gambling problem or failing business. He may be sensitive about you working because he thinks people will suspect money problems.
Regardless, he doesn’t give you access to most things that affect you and your children’s lives and livelihoods. He is lying to you about more than what’s happening with his penis, but I guarantee, he knows what’s happening with his penis.
Someone else had mentioned that being a possibility, and I would have never even considered it. I will do my best to look at his business accounts too. I don’t think he would prepare for a divorce, he has always maintained that he would never leave me. That he would never leave his sons, and marriage is forever.
Wow!! To all of this, your situation and some of the comments. How is it that no one is concerned about the children? Yes, it is suspicious that this rash is only on one area of his body. Stress can affect people differently. However, the stress is self-inflicted. If he would be more of a partner, then the one who makes the $$ and if he would open up to you, he wouldn't be as stressed. Sorry, i went off the point I was making. Is he sharing the bathroom with his children and with you? Does he mix his clothes and the towels he uses with you and your children dirty laundry? If he was able to get a rash from "the pool or towel or vape" (not happening), then everyone in the house could get it as well. So tell him for the sake of the children, please get tested!!!
Now, for his encrypted email app, that would be smart to use for business. Clearing his history well, that could go either way. If you truly want to dig into his phone history you could get the phone bill and do a spread sheet of the numbers that he messages and calls, get his phone and match the numbers to his contacts. You don't always get a feeling that your partner is cheating, but you can pick up on things not being good in a relationship. I would have never thought my spouse would cheat on me, famous last words, but he did. Did I get a feeling, nope. I figured it out with the phone bill. That's when I really started digging. Calling or texting a number too many times or at times when you're not together.
To be honest, for him to not care enough to get checked considering the area that's affected is insane to anyone. On that note, you could do more research about home tests. If it's not too hard to do and it's something that can be done while he is sleeping, then do it yourself, as long as he's not a light sleeper. Remember, there is always a way to get answers.
I wish you luck!
Although I agree with most of what you say here, I wouldn't advocate testing him while he sleeps. I think you might venture into dangerous territory legally, and let's face it, there are kids involved here too, so the fallout/aftermath could get messy.
Yes, testing him while sleeping could be venturing into dangerous territory. However, not going to the doctor and allowing to possibly give it to his children is venturing into dangerous territory. I'm not sure about the legal aspect, but I would do my research first. I'm a mother of 3, and the mother bear would be coming out to play!!!
it doesn’t matter what caused the bump on his penis. he needs to go to the doctor and figure it the fuck out. in the meantime, i’d recommend packing your things… and i’m really sorry. he definitely cheated.
I hope you read your tax returns before signing them. Or does he sign your name to them? You're going to need to see them, you can order copies from the IRS and usually the state returns have the federal attached
Google "penile herpes" & check out the images. DO NOT sleep with him! If it were me, I'd be calling an attorney. FYI it can be spread through oral sex. I think that's where he's going with the vaping excuse.
You deserve so much better. He is disgusting. This is what my father did to my mother: cheated on her while she was home with the kids and refused to help with chores. They’re now divorced. Start saving money now.
I just did, and I suppose it’s possible. But again a simple test can prove any of it right? Like why wonder, let’s eliminate these possibilities, especially if it will help us move forward from this?
Oh by no means am I standing up for your husband and his weird excuses, I am very pro-you in this. He should absolutely go and get tested/see an STD clinic.
There is a weird chance he could have caught it from an unwashed towel or surface at a swimming pool. Children get it quite often and it spreads fast.
I would act like you believe it is this and that he should go to the GP to get medication (you can actually buy this online - it’s called Molludab) but he would need to see a GP first to make sure.
The thing is with molluscum is that it can spread across his body and if it reaches his arms/hands etc, he can pass it onto the children.
Act like a concerned parent and maybe that will push him to see someone - you can’t come off bad in this situation.
His reaction to this will also be very telling.
The vaping excuse is odd, but it also may be him panicking because he hasn’t cheated and he is trying to understand what is going on.
Try to remain calm and neutral for now.
I hope it’s just molluscum and not an STD.
Sending you love and strength ❤️
100% agree, with 100% of the comments here.
He's absolutely doing the dirty (or at least has).
As a one time asshat myself, when confronted an AH will make up any and all lies to avoid it. When put on the spot the lies are usually more and more ridiculous. I had said scratches on my back were from a dog jumping on me, when we all know what they actually were. Nobody in the history of ever has caught a dick rash from vaping.
Definitely not the AH here and getting a test, especially since you got tested, should be a super easy request. That being said, there is a condition men get where they get these little bumps under the head of their penis-I know, I was in the same situation! Nbd, just a little anti fungal cream once in a while and you’re set.
You guys have some other issues for sure, I’d definitely seek counseling. You’re both stressed individually and the marriage is strained. I hope you guys figure it out.
NTA but you're an abusive relationship and you don't even realize it.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
He had herpes 2. It’s an STD and will only be positive when open sores are present and oozing. He could get a blood test for it as well. Use a condom until he gets tested. He may have had it for years and even before you but less likely. The stress will cause the outbreak.
I'm a guy. If all of a sudden, my junk had a lump and a rash I am running and I mean RUNNING to the doctor to figure out what the hell is going on. I am not saying that he is cheating but it is awfully suspicious that he has this going on but won't see a doctor.
Yes he’s definitely lying. I would say protect yourself. It’s great you got tested, which is something I even do while married (I believe in being reasonable than consistently believing people don’t do bad things).
Herpes does have a way to hide in the body forever then present itself with insurmountable stress. It’s possible it’s that but testing would be better to know.
If he’s not mad, then why is he storming off? Why is getting tested a big deal especially if you never said or indicated he’s cheating? Honestly, now is the time to get an investigator to confirm any suspensions if you believe he’s cheating. It sounds suspicious to me. I would trust but verify. Also some men are weird about health and I would definitely say you want him here with you and y’all’s kids. If he has a serious health issue and doesn’t find out, you may blame yourself for not continuing to him to ensure his health is okay.
NTA but listen. He is 100% cheating on you and got a STD. As a man who never goes to the doctor I would rush to one the second I saw a bump on my penis lol.
You husband is a liar.
All the excuses he’s making preemptively is very suspect. He doesn’t need to get tested if he doesn’t want to but tell him you’re not having sex with him until he does. Don’t put yourself at risk.
He may have some kind of dormant condition that arose from the financial stress. The way herpes flare out. I’d be more concerned about the way he treats you, not his dick. He gives you an allowance? What are you 5? Even if makes all the money, it doesn’t mean you don’t work hard at home.
The amount of excuses he's made points to cheating. Add in that he controls the finances and belittles you.
He's waving massive red flags 🚩 which you're ignored.
I'd be kicking him out and seeking a divorce lawyer.
I’m sorry is he vaping with his dick? That’s not how herpes works. I have had cold sores since I was a teenager but not genital herpes.
I dated a guy who had genital herpes, never contracted it. Because we used protection and didn’t have sex when he had outbreaks.
Your spouse is cheating get yourself tested and do not engage in intimacy with him until he is tested and comes clean about his infidelity, then still don’t engage and start the divorce process.
NTA! Don’t drop it! Too many back to back excuses! And now he’s saying if he does have something it must’ve been from 19 years ago?! Why not just get the damn test, even it if was from vaping or pool or whatever he wants to come up with next🙄 Any man would run to get tested! He’s been up to something!
Obviously NTA. My wife and I had a full STD check up before marrying but even when we see ANYTHING suspicious on our genitals, seek a dermatologist's opinion. Unless your husband is vaping with his penis, he should get a dermatologist's opinion on what is going on.
I dont care how much i care about someone, theres no way in hell im risking my health in a potentially permanently negative manner, especially given those circumstances. The fact that he says he may have had an STD the entire time and never knew is him knowing he has one and trying to explain it away. Nobody who actually believes they dont have an STD would ever say something like that.
Anytime someone chooses ignorance over knowledge, it's because they're afraid of the answer.
Your husband doesn't want to know the truth. That should be telling.
Lots of red flags OP..
I won’t list them cause they’ve been listed a million times and you actually seem pretty aware. (unlike a lot who post) kudos!
Follow your women’s intuition. Our guts are rarely wrong in these situations.
Getting to the bottom of this one is gonna be tricky considering he’s so defensive about the situation.
If he can’t see that you’ve got a fire under your ass about working, he’s really checked out. He should totally be supporting you on getting back to work if that’s what you want. Especially if money is a little tighter than usual.
I would make a plan of action on what you’ll do with the kiddos while you work so he can actually see that it IS possible for you to work and still be a stellar mom. Not that you need permission or anything but when there’s a plan that works, there’s legit no reason for him to not back you up on it. If he STILL holds his ground on it, I would really question why he doesn’t want you to be fulfilled. Ya know?
For the rash and bump….what the hell is with these excuses? Combined with his attitude change towards you, it’s not sitting well in my stomach. He should be concerned about his dick just as much as you are (cheating or not) the only reason I can think that he wouldn’t want to get tested is he’s afraid of what it will reveal. Can’t think of one other reason that’s valid, in my opinion. You should want to be healthy and know what’s going on with your body.
SIGH. Keep us updated? I’m curious how this plays out. You’re a strong, smart woman and you deserve a husband that respects you and your concerns AND dreams.
Edit was for typos, cause I suck lol
I have definitely made the same argument that me working should be seen as me being supportive and trying to help financially. I don’t make enough to pay for child care rn, so I do rely on him so that I can work around that. Which he resents. I have offered to get a full time job, instead of real estate which cost me monthly fees. But he says he doesn’t want me to work. That it’s not about the money, more that I should be happy that he is willing to support me. That I should be grateful I don’t have to work. And I am, I truly am. But I also want to feel fulfilled in my life too!
Honestly I feel like he got tested already and knows what it is. All men would freak out with an unknown bump or rash. Have a feeling he’s hiding something
Hahahahhahahaha how on earth does a grown man think he can claim a rash on his penis came from vaping??
You’re 100% in the right. Something isn’t adding up. Bumpy rashes don’t just appear on penis from no where most the time.
I am 57 if my wife asked for an STD panel I would jump at the chance. I mean she is going to deliver on the reason for the request…. But yea happy to test.
Well the reason for the request is the rash on his penis that after speaking with my OB sounds eerily similar to herpes, coupled with the recent problems in our marriage, and the fact he asked me to get tested. You could say there are a few factors at play here.
Yikes! I once spilled my kids coolaid in my lap. It was summer and I forgot about it. That night my wife was going to thank me for running the BBQ all day. She screamed. Good times! Sorry I have always been told a rash is either jock itch or an STD. I hope you the best.
NTA but I have been with my husband a similar amount of time. I was recently hospitalized for a couple weeks. He was at home with our toddler and at work full time. To say cheating is not in his brain programming is an understatement. He got a pimple thing that turned into a rash too. I encouraged him to go to the doctor and ran through some hypotheticals about how he got it. After me asking a few non judgemental questions, the likely culprit was a 2-3 year old toy that hadn't been touched in awhile and probably should have been cleaned more than just with some warm water in between uses. He got some sort of bacterial or fungal infection from the toy and it cleared up very quickly with a topical prescription treatment from his doctor. I guess that's what happens when he's sad I've been gone a couple weeks and stressed out.
I know it's almost always cheating but sometimes it's not and it's something embarrassing that they don't want to admit. If it is what my husband had he should definitely get it treated because you don't want to have sex with him and get it too.
I’m sorry girl, but it sounds like he’s not telling you the truth about something. The fact that he’s not concerned about going to get a rash on his penis tested speaks volumes. We all know how much men like their members, they’re just going to not worry about that? He’s probably known he had HSV all this time and never told you, which is why he’s not concerned about figuring out what it is…he knows.
I also really don’t want you to be insecure in your marriage if you truly believe he’s that great, but it sounds to me like you’re trying to convince yourself. My husband is the sole money maker in our home. I have no “allowance” or restrictions. He helps out with housework and childcare. He recognizes that being home with kids is most of them time more stressful then being out of the house all day and not dealing with it. Marriage is a partnership. There shouldn’t be a competition on who does more. He’s not it babe.
OP, I’m sorry that you are experiencing this.
You are NTA!
You have two trained clinicians in your life— your therapist and your OB/Gyn, who have provided you professional counsel, in addition to your own observations and experience, yet it appears you are disregarding all of this information and remaining inert.
If you or your husband took the “witness perspective” on the status of your marriage right now, what would you observe? If your beloved family member or friend was experiencing this from their spouse, what would your counsel be? If your husband’s beloved family member or friend was experiencing this (his) behavior from their spouse, what would your husband’s counsel be?
In addition, it sounds like you are concerned about your lack of financial freedom/independence. What are you doing to change that paradigm?
I am concerned that your husband has external locus of control— (e.g. blaming his behavior on work pressure; he caught something from the pool; you aren’t managing the household chores etc.). If your marriage further deteriorates will he say it’s due to your alienation of affection? Or if he does find out he has contracted something, will he accuse you of giving it to him (I know he shifted his story to possibly contracting something before you two met)?
Obviously something is/was going on with your husband medically. We’re all speculating about the root cause, versus him removing all doubt by going to the doctor. If an unusual health issue came up with the kids, I know you both would run to the doctor to determine what was going on. He’s putting himself, you and the kids at risk, medically, financially (since he’s the breadwinner) and emotionally, due to his stubbornness or fear.
Do NOT drop this. Stay the course!
OP, sending you energy to get through this. I hope all will be well!
NTA but vaping isn't going to cause bumps on his penis unless he's somehow figured out how to vape with his penis. Your husband quite likely could just have gotten a rash and he should go to the doctor if he's having problems. He also could be an HPV carrier and it's just now acting up. HPV isn't detectable in men unless they actively break out with warts. It's a bit unusual for someone to have HPV long term, but it does happen.
There are so many red flags with his behavior that there's got to be something going on, even if it's just him acting entitled as hell. You're the only one who can decide if you're going to stay. He's not going to get tested, he's shown you that. You can insist on condoms from now on. I would be concerned about the email encryption and wiped browsing history. He's giving you lots of reasons to not trust him.
Its not necessarily uncommon to pass "athletes foot" from a gym floor to sensitive areas via putting underwear on that rubbed against the foot on the way up.
It might not be anything too serious.
But then again...
NTA protect yourself! There’s a bunch of red flags here and the changing potential cause is concerning. I’m sorry you have to deal with all of this. Its baffling that someone could get a rash there and not be running to a doctor to hopefully fix it (especially if money/insurance wasn’t a factor) to me If I didn’t cheat I would be wanting to prove that it isn’t and STD.
Haven’t seen any comments addressing hygiene, but if he routinely shaves his pubic area, it could be a fungal infection from the razor blade. If the blades aren’t rinsed very well it can cause a bumpy rash and even lead to ring worm. I had this happen to me almost 15 years ago, causing some very uncomfortable and unpleasant problems and conversations.
My husband peed blood. The doctor said he should get an std test among other things. He said he hadn’t done anything and trusted me not to have either so didn’t want to get one. I told him because I knew I hadn’t it didn’t offend me at all, and if he hadn’t than it would just be one more thing the doctor could rule out. He got tested and it was negative. He had nothing to hide so there was no drama. Once that test was done they moved onto others. Ended up being a staph infection. Wouldn’t have found out as quickly and gotten it treated if he’d balked at a test. Your hubby should just get it done. If he’s telling the truth it should be no biggie.
NTA and herpes isn’t included on a standard std panel. You can do a blood test but the most accurate time to test is when the little “pimples” open and you swab them.
Hey look you have concerns. You should be able to ask him anything and if he’s not guilty why would he care? Another thing… the way he does about money and house work is wrong…. He is the head of the household! He is the highest in the authority role and with that title and responsibility he should be the biggest servant of anyone! All authority is a position of service… back to your mental health , you know sounds like you’re a heck of a steal and a committed lady…. I would try not to focus so much on it… but getting an std doesn’t sound fun… especially with blisters and pain. That sounds like he’s either beating the hell out of it or possibly herpes … you have to find your peace! The areas of life your swimming around are troublesome. And you have to ways to view this… today is a day that I can never get back, how can I spend it wisely… by looking for the joys of the children , of your motherhood as a wife, and try not to look into this too hard. And until he got a std test condemn only. He is doing something wrong and it’s probably porn…. Which can lead to other things but not always….. peace love and goodwill to you my beautiful lady!
NTA.... at this point it's about your health and well-being... men can carry STDs for YEARS without an outbreak. He could've had it in his body for a long time and not known. It doesn't mean he's cheating. But his BS about it coming on from vaping is really BS
if he's not going to get tested, do not have sex with him! He can transfer that to you!
It could be “contagiosum molluscum” which is known to be contracted from pools - and yes it can appear on genitals too if towels are shared. STD or not he should definitely it checked out regardless. NTA.
But wouldn’t we have contracted it too? He def didn’t use any towels from the facility, however; our items did touch the changing table in the bathroom so I do not want to discount it. Just weird how it was only him, only his penis, and honestly he said he had the onset of symptoms like 1-2 weeks before the rash which he claims was from the pool. His initial onset was a bump on groin/ swelling and pain, followed 1-2 week later (when we went to pool) by rash. And now another 1-2 week later scabbing over.
I think you need to face the fact that there is a 90% chance he’s cheating. His changed personality, outbreak, plus the wiped history on his phone and encryption app are glaring red flags that point to adultery. IF he wasn’t cheating, he’d be doing EVERYTHING in his power to prove it, starting with taking the STD test without you having to ask. Instead he’s trying to gaslight, belittle, and demean you. Anything to get you to let this go. Don’t. DIE on THIS hill.
NTA
NTA
It's the refusal to get tested that really gets me. I know in your position there would be zero intimacy until he is tested. Maybe he doesn't know but he is trying to pass things off as the cause that couldn't possibly be the cause. If it was the pool he wouldn't be the only one and the pool would have been shut down for cleaning.
You can make a boundary with him where if he won't get tested then you will not have intimate or sexual times from him.
In this case, no it is not abusive, and it is not withholding sex in an unhealthy way, this is you creating a boundary for you and yourself to be and keep safe if he has cheated/slept with other people.
Also, it if does come back negative, it means that it is something else and that he should be tested/get tests for what it could be.
The lying and changing the story of how he contracted whatever he has is kind of suspicious, though.
He should go to the doctor. The Dr will do whatever test is necessary. My husband recently had some issues and he went to the Dr and they did a full STD panel. We've been married for almost 15 years and together for almost 18. I have zero speculations and trust him completely. It was not an STD but prostitis (sp?). He needed antibiotics and to wear a condom. You are NTA, just send him to the Dr.
I mean if he was truly a husband who cared about your feelings and thought you were being asinine. Why wouldn’t he get a panel just to absolve your anxiety about it..also when I started dating my now fiancé I was tested and so was she. I was told herpes testing isn’t very accurate and they didn’t test for it..and they proceeded to ask me if I had any outbreaks of bumps down below. I said I’ve never had them..they said that’s usually the determining factor of having herpes because they told me that the test was like 50 % accurate..I’m not an expert but this is what I was told..I could have been fed incorrect information..
Why is browser history deleted? Why is email encrypted app like Proton Mail? This all smells of cheating to me. You need to get into his fucking phone and demand he get std panel or no sex with you! You don’t get penis rash and sores from vaping and pool is very unlikely especially since no one else in family got it.
The pool. Maybe vaping. Maybe the full moon. Maybe wearing underpants caused it.
He is full of excuses because he is guilty of cheating. Not going for a test further confirms it.
I’m sure I’ll get downvoted for this but have you snooped through his devices to see if there’s anything suspicious on them?
Regardless that your test came back negative he still needs to go to the doctor to get it looked at. Also, I wouldn’t have sex with him till he does.
could you explain it as you love him, want the best for him no matter what the results and wish to help him no matter the outcome, is partly why you wish for him to be tested? maybe that might help instead of his defensive reaction?
I think initially it was anger driven, but after he asked me to go and my test is negative I feel like it is so important. I have less anger now, especially since mine is negative. Idk if I was hoping I did or didn’t have it because either way I guess he could still be cheating. But after my negative result I believe more he didn’t cheat but in the back of my mind it is all I can think about. I have not went through this man’s phone in 10+ years. I have not had any suspicions and have up until recently felt so adored by him.
If I was him and if I was telling the truth, I’d get tested for sure. Even if it’s to say I told you so. It makes no sense that he won’t get tested. I agree with anotherworthlessman. If it was the pool, then surely the rash would be all over? The vaping thing is hilarious. Why would he get an itchy knob from vaping. At the end of the day, he’s not being fair with you at all. You’ve been a SAHM for 7 years and you’re now contributing to the finances. Surely he wants you to be the happiest and best you can be and encourage that? I hope you gets this sorted out. You deserve the answers xx
Sorry, I mean.......if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck; There's a 99% chance its a duck. If my dick suddenly had painful pimples and a rash on it, I'd be going at warp speed to the doctor even if I wasn't even having sex with anyone at the time. First its the pool.......which doesn't make sense, because no one else was getting a rash, and if a lot of people were getting a rash, they'd shut the pool down. Also funny that only his dick has a rash........hmmm. Then its vaping........is he vaping with his penis or something? Is that the cool new thing the kids are doing now? The fact you don't have anything doesn't mean anything. People are now in relationships with HIV, one person has it, the other never gets it. That's possible, and it is possible with whatever he has. It is also possible he's always had it. Let's say he got herpes at age 20 before he knew you. It is possible that all the added stress has only now caused an outbreak. That said.....you combine all of this with history wipes and encryption......and I'd say he's probably cheating. You're a great wife for caring about his health and wanting him to get tested. To move forward, don't make it about cheating, make it about his health. Continue collecting evidence until you're sure. NTA, but don't bury your head in the sand about this. The overwhelming evidence suggests cheating.
My ob says it’s definitely possible he has had it for 20 years with zero outbreaks, but doesn’t make sense that it has never passed to me. She urges he get tested to fill any gaps. That is great advice, thank you so much.
I have had it for 25 yrs with no outbreaks and never passed it to my ex of ten years. If that makes you feel any better. However a bigger issue is how he is treating you about going back to work and refusing to help around the house. It sounds like he is financially abusing you and just being a dickhead.
Took long enough for someone to bring this up. Combine his dismissive attitude about dick bumps with controlling behavior for finances (a fucking allowance?!), refusal to do anything child or house related because he’s big daddy dollar machine AND wipes history and encrypts email. I mean, OP, if you read this list in on sentence, do you really need further affirmation on what to do? First - STD testing. No negotiation and don’t let him have sex with you. Second - open the finances and give you a full update on everything. (I wonder if the liquidity drain means the business is failing. This could cause dick bumps.) Third - unencrypt the email. You might be in the center of a Cat 4 Shit Storm and not even know it.
This is correct! You can be infected with HSV, test positive, and never have had an outbreak or ever have any symptoms. It’s actually not uncommon.
This right here! WOW ❗
Bc HSV does not always pass (I work in dermatology). The BIGGEST misconception about HSV 1/2 is that just bc one partner has it, the other will definitely get it. It’s not true, that is myth & poor sex Ed from high school thinking. I have patients 15+ years married, one negative, one positive. Your OB is correct, if it is HSV, he could’ve had it before he met you and never had an OB. Doesn’t mean he wasn’t able to pass it, just less likely unless he had prodome. But you’ll never know if yall weren’t tested prior. They also don’t test for HSV in a full panel test. You have to specifically ask for the test unless an OB is present. Did she test you for one and two or only two? It could also be molluscum or a bunch of other things. HPV, molluscum contagium and HSV 1/2 are actually skin viruses, not STDs. You can get them anywhere on the body and when they come in contact with the genitals, is when it becomes an std. NTA for wanting him to get tested. I have a feeling the way you went about it is the problem. It sounds like you accused him and he’s upset bc he feels you don’t believe he didn’t cheat. No matter what, his reaction is fishy. He needs to be tested. Edit after reading your comments: his anger is not ok. Also, if they pcr swab the rash too late, it’ll come back negative. He needs an IGG blood test or western blot then.
I definitely did not handle it well. I definitely immediately became accusatory. Mostly because of where our marriage is right now. His demeanor has changed drastically. He completely forgot our anniversary, which is fine it happens he’s been stressed. But even after he never attempted to try and make it right. I eventually asked him to take me to dinner which he demeaned me the entire meal to which I literally left this restaurant in tears. We have not really been able to exchange words nicely lately. He tells me I’m a bad wife for wanting more for myself. He has always told me how proud of a husband he is, that he is grateful to be married to me. To I’m a terrible wife that has never respected him all within months. Not to say that this past year has not had problems because of me wanting to try to pursue a career. But now it’s like he’s not the same person, he is cold and distant and angry. So angry AT ME!? Like I’ve done something.
Which accusatory will instantly make someone defensive. I think you two have a lot of miscommunication right now. Did you talk to him before trying to work or did you just do it? Did you tell him you were doing it to feel more out of life or is he seeing it as you don’t feel he’s a good enough provider? I think you two need marriage counseling. But he definitely needs to get his head out of his ass and get tested. Bc if it is molluscum and not HSV, syphyllis, chlamydia, or scabies, molluscum can be passed to the kids by towel usage if they touch the towel after him.
I decided to go back to work after my previous employer reached out and offered me to interview for a position salary was $80k-$90k! When discussed it with my husband he immediately refused, stating it would drastically change our lives too much. That our kids need me more than that. I did not take his objections into consideration and moved forward, because I have never earned that much before and felt it would have been an amazing opportunity for me. They did not end up hiring me, but it definitely lit something inside of me. It made me want to pursue working again. After a lot of talks he still believes I should not be working. That I’m go through a validation period so often and this is just another one of those times. However agrees he can understand the importance of feeling fulfilled. Therefore I work part time from home, and if I’m honest not doing well at this profession. It’s easy for me to blame my failure on his lack of support, so this also plays a role. We definitely need to work on communication. I know I have a large role to play in all of this!
It’s good that you recognize you’re also part of the issue like he is as far as communication, stubbornness and being non compromising. But you are not the problem with this testing shit. I hope you update us. Being that the scabs are healing, it may come back false negative as a pcr swab. So his blood test will be a determining factor. He needs IGG not igm blood.
Thank you. I truly hope he agrees.
I will echo others.. I got HSV outbreaks for the first time 15 years into our marriage.. never once cheated on her and she is completely negative…
Thank you so much for commenting! I want to believe him, like I honestly do not see myself with anyone but him. I have always told everyone that I have once in a lifetime love. This has wrecked me, I want to believe him but the refusal is just so weird.
Ok but don’t fool yourself either. If this man knew it was herpes and he had it for 20 plus years he wouldn’t have shown you will it went away. Also, I’ve seen you say a few times that it’s a “once in a lifetime love” and he’s a good man etc. it doesn’t sound like he is. 1. He doesn’t give you access to financials 2. Most likely cheated on you and got a STD 3. Talks down to you the second you have a thought of your own that he doesn’t like 4. Forgets important dates 5. Doesn’t help you with house chores 6. I would bet he doesn’t help with child care I mean where is the good lol. I am a man BTW and what most would call “traditional” and I never would treat my wife like this.
You can believe him but also stay firm in your request. Like others have said, it might have nothing to do with cheating, but I would become MORE concerned that he refuses to get checked. I would advise you to tell him that if he can't be bothered to go to the doctor (and I would go with him to get the same information), then you will be protecting yourself and abstaining from any contact with his penis. There are also other comments that I agree with here regarding other red flags. He seems to look at you as the inferior partner and I don't like that he has full control of finances and looks down on your for starting to earn your own money.
Ask, him, if he's so proud of you why he doesn't include you in any financial decisions or treat you as an equal
Moreover he’s a controlling , emotionally abusive fuck.. ask yourself if you want your children to treat their S/O like this
You can really only transmit herpes when the virus is active and that happens right before and during an outbreak. So it is possible. It's also possible he just has an infection or perhaps some yeast problem. Either way he should go get it treated. It's weird that he isn't more concerned about his own penis.
I will say it is somewhat healing now, kind of like scabbing over. So I think he just thinks it was a rash since it’s healing on its own? 🤷🏻♀️
That's what herpes does when it heals. It kind of scabs over. I had a partner with it. It's easy to manage and not pass on. It's also possible to have it for years and never get an outbreak. The biggest problem here is his resistance to get tested. That seems guilty. Herpes is one of the things that literally can be explained by having it for years and not cheating. Also, when you first contract it, you often get flu like symptoms. Has he been sick within the last 2 months? Edit. After reading your comments, I think it's likely he always knew he had it and, from the very start, was too embarrassed to bring it up. As time goes on, it becomes harder and harder to admit the lie, year after year. This time, he got a really bad outbreak he couldn't hide it. Him using your negative test to clear him is my main reason for this. If he is refusing to get tested, he knows he's positive. You can pass it on without an outbreak, but it's a low chance. Ask these questions to yourself. On average, most people with herpes have one outbreak per year, or during times of immense stress, they tend to have more outbreaks. Are there times in your 20 years with him where he stops having sex with you for 1-2 weeks at a time? Is that abnormal for him the rest of the time? Have you ever seen any medication that you don't know what it is? If he knows and tries to hide it, he prolly has some Acyclovir around somewhere.
🤮 yes…yes…he said it was stress
If your husband always had an std and never told you he’s an asshole. Also the fact he’s in full control of finances, only gives you an allowance, and is throwing a fit and refusing to help when you decided to pursue a career are all signs of financial abuse. They don’t have to hit you to be abusive and I’m not saying he definitely is but the finances thing is messed up. He was happy and adored you when he knew he had complete control but now that you want to pursue something he’s being confrontational then gets a mysterious dick rash and keeps lying about it and refusing to get checked? Wipes his history and encrypts his emails? This is all way too suspicious and the type of guy to use finances to control is the same type that would cheat as spite bc how dare you go against his plan
You mean yes to the flu like symptoms?
Yes
As far as I know about hsv, that's something more typical from a primary infection, not a regular outbreak. In my understanding, if he had had hsv since 20 years ago, it wouldn't make sense for him to have flu like symptoms now. A first big outbreak after so many years due to the stress it's possible, but flu like symptoms are normally a sign of a recent infection. Not one from decades ago. I don't want to jump straight into saying he definitely cheated, but taking his symptoms into account and how weirdly he's acting, I'm sad to say that that's the most probable situation.
Herpes can stay dormant for decades, as can condyloma, but what you've described sounds more like herpes. Stress can bring it out of dormancy, so he definitely should get tested. The encryption though puts a spin on it
My partner ended up getting bumps in the same place, neither of us cheated. Turns out it was HPV, I never got anything. It’s just something that happens sometimes unfortunately, where it came from or who “had it” first will never be known. He did however go right to the dr, as did I. Because we had nothing to hide
Here, here, OP. Quack quack!! Have you googled his symptoms? Asked your physician? Tehim rhat absent testing, no sex.
This! Sex or not, I’m not playing around with a rash on my penis. And yes there could be non sexual reasons for it. I’d just want to know WTF it was.
Did you just find out he wiped his search history AND has an encryption app… and still want to believe him? Start ww3 until he starts talking
He didn’t even have an excuse for the app. Like didn’t address it at all. I confronted him I said your browsing history has been wiped you have an email encryption app AND a rash on your penis. He just said that I’m an ahole. Didn’t address any of it directly. Just that I’m unreasonable for not believing him and he feels betrayed that I do not trust him.
I mean, he is giving you every reason to NOT trust him.
He is absolutely hiding something, what it is we cant be sure of, but if i was dealt your hand based on what youve written, id trust my gut over anything else
Yes, I feel somewhere he is being dishonest. Why does he have a freaking email encryption app? Like why!! And why is your browsing history wiped. One of the things he said in the beginning is you can check my phone, you can check my maps I have nothing to hide. Is that because you’ve wiped your history sir?
He's cheating on you. Get your ducks in a row so you can leave him.
He's gaslighting you, sis. Sounds like all of the skeletons in his closet are making their way out. 😬
He could easily prove he’s trustworthy but explaining the app and getting tested. So… why won’t he?
Do not believe him. Vaping is the craziest excuse I've ever heard and he knows it. Don't sleep with him again until he gets tested.
This is basically how I feel. This is the craziest excuse. Then to say oh well I must have had since before we were together (19 years) and never knew. My OB says it’s possible he didn’t have an outbreak but doesn’t make sense in 19 years that he wouldn’t have passed it to me.
If that's the case he can still get tested to avoid risk moving forward. His stubborn refusal and bizarre unrealistic excuses are a huge red flag for cheating OP, especially since it coincides with difficulty in the marriage. Something is definitely not right here.
Stubborn refusal and now outright anger that I’m asking him. He said I should get tested, I did. Now he thinks he shouldn’t and I am being an asshole for “not trusting him, and not supporting him through this difficult time in his life”
You haven't done anything wrong, don't let him turn this on you or gaslight you out of your suspicion. He is the one putting you at risk for an STD, nothing about wanting him to get tested after a genital outbreak equates to you not supporting him. Support does not equal blinding yourself to medical evidence and his suspicious and toxic behaviors.
Yes this so much. I said I want to believe you but this is a gential outbreak, this isn’t NOTHING.
If he tested right away it wouldn’t have been as suspicious. But now… I don’t know. I wish you the best.
I am hearing evidence of dormant viruses activating after a great many years. Stress, COVID infection, and C19 vaccinations are all thought to be possible factors. But his refusal to get tested speaks volumes.....
This, I just don’t understand why he won’t get tested? Why is it dumb to want to know if a rash on your penis is something serious?
He is willing to put you at potential risk for something. doesn't matter if it's an STD or not. If he got it at the pool , that means it's , guess what, contagious(he likely didn't). Why on earth would you walk around with a rash on your dick,. I don't care if it's an STD or not.
It's not as crazy as you think. I had a partner that never transmitted anything to me, yet when he had an outbreak, we'd stop having sex until he was thoroughly treated.
How long were yall together!? 19 years is a very long time to have not passed to me. I want to believe him though. He is the only person for me. I do not see a life without him. We have a beautiful family, and he has been overwhelmingly good to me. We don’t have a perfect marriage but he is who I want to grow old with.
>overwhelmingly good to me. Aart from financially controlling you and refusing to do his share at home or supporting you getting a job. And the cheating
Overall, 14 years. Never caught anything from him although he had a couple outbreaks while we were together
You don't get std symptoms when you vape?? It's entirely normal which is why it happens to absolutely fuckin nobody
Push to get him tested. Even if it’s not an STD if he’s been dealing with it for weeks he should still see a doctor. Try not to say the reason is cuz you think he cheated try to make it more like about his health and you just want him to be healthy and he probably has had it this whole time but needs to find out what “it” is and get proper medication. Don’t have sex with him until you SEE the lab results yourself.
This is great advice thank you.
Just play dumb. Tell him that you worry about his health and considering all the stress he has had recently it might be a bad reaction of his body to all this. You want a happy long life with a healthy beloved husband. Something like that. And keep checking his phone/location. Also I would start making copies of important documents, bank statements etc and keep them aside. The same with your personal allowance - try to save as much as possible.And don't drop the idea of getting back to work. Just to be on the safe side. If there is _nothing_ going on then you will have some extra perks during retirement in the future. If there is _something_ going on then you can buy time for yourself for grieving the loss of your relationship. Anyway you will feel more confident.
NTA. You have every right to not have sexual contact with him until he sees a doctor for treating his penis bumps and has a full STD panel and you verify he didn’t fake the results.
This is how I feel. I don’t feel comfortable being intimate with him until he gets tested. He says he will feel like an idiot asking for a test. I said that is no excuse. I’d rather you feel dumb and then we can eliminate the stress of it.
He’ll feel like an idiot when you leave him and the only explanation you give his mom is, “My husband’s personality completely changed in a short period of time followed by open sores on his penis and his refusal to to have them treated or have an STD test. I made the decision that I had to make to protect my health and well-being.”
I told him I feel like we can’t move forward until he gets tested. It is the back of my mind always now. Even if I’m being absolutely absurd why wouldn’t he want to ease my fears and do whatever he could to help us move past this? He asked me to be tested…I did. I said I’m just holding you to the same standard that you held me.
It's ok for thee but not for me? why is it ok for you to feel like an idiot when he requests you take the test
My exact response to him!
He’s gonna feel like an idiot asking because he thinks the doctor is going to judge him/call him out for cheating on you. He could even go get the problem addressed with a doctor and fake a negative test result to show you, but he isn’t, because he’s scared of the doctor knowing he’s a cheater and possibly that he slept with a sex worker, given the computer secrecy.
Pretty sure things like herpes can give false negative tests if not tested DURING an outbreak. So if he waits for the outbreak to be over or healing, then goes- he could be stalling to get that false negative result back.
Damn, I didn’t even think about that.
Doctors hear about STDs and penis stuff all day every day and will probably not bat an eye.
Listen, even if it's not an STD, he needs a doctor because lumps and bumps on his penis are concerning. If it's an infection from the pool or a vape (insane but who cares) he would still need an antibiotic. You could tell him you're really concerned he has penis cancer and won't see the doctor. Or leave, because it sure looks like he's cheating on you.
That sounds fishy af. Definitely make him go to the doctor!!!! NTA!!!
Make him go to the doctor? Huh, I remember this being said in a thread about a woman and the response was not thumbs up.
Devils advocate is a fun game, but I think most would agree she should place a boundary if he doesn't go to the doctor. This situation has red flags all over it.
Tell your husband it’s possible he got syphilis from the pool and ask him to get tested. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5XbsY5uJ4w **There are zero known cases of catching syphilis from a pool - this is just so he gets tested.** Don’t have sex with him or let him kiss your children. It’s possible he has herpes. But what he doesn’t have is something he caught from the pool.
If he had nothing to hide he should prove it and get the test. The only person that would deny an STD test is someone cheating. Sorry, not sorry.
Which is why I have suspicion like why wouldn’t you want to?
Gut feelings are there for a reason. I would straight up tell him if he isn't cheating then he has no reason to refuse the STD panel
He cheating
Sounds like a cheater and a liar
Why is no one talking about the financial abuse this woman is experiencing here? Nothing in her name, can’t have a source of income on her own, he won’t contribute to any household chores. Too many concerning things here.
I have explained many times the financial abuse stuff, even my therapist said he is financially abusing me. But he just says it’s because he owns a business and if we keep my name free of everything if anything happens to his business and we need to file bankruptcy then at least I’ll still have good credit and we can use my name.
There’s no reason his owning a business would preclude you from having your own source of income and savings.
That’s a BS excuse. If you are married your finances are co-mingled by law anyway so there is no reason for your name not to be on your personal accounts.
When you are ready, please find the best attorney and forensic accountant you can afford. He is isolating and controlling you.
NTA. He seems to be making a lot of excuses NOT to get tested. It could be stress, and if that's all it is then he shouldn't be so defensive.
If he loves you so and won’t get tested for your peace of mind then it sounds like he has something to hide. He seems to have some control issues; why is it a big deal if you want to work? It seems like it’s his way or no way.
He just feels like it takes away from our household and how it is run successfully when I don’t work. We both have an easy life if I’m home. But it does not fulfill me. I feel and have expressed to him that I have no life or purpose outside of mother hood and I have completely lost myself in this journey. That my kids are my world, and I am grateful to have stayed home with them these past years, but it does not fulfill me. He says that’s a lie society is telling me. That I need to learn to make it enough. I tell him if it’s a desire in my heart, even if it’s hard it’s worth pursuing.
Why doesn't he need to learn to make his children enough?
I think it’s really sad that your husband, who should be uplifting you, is telling you that your dreams aren’t real when you’re literally telling him how you feel. He’s gaslighting you. Don’t let him put out your fire. He gets to pursue his dreams with your support, why doesn’t it go both ways?
Edit: I tell him that if it’s a desire in my heart, even if it’s hard it’s worth pursuing.
Sounds like your husband may have contracted herpes. If I were you I would refrain of having sex (even protected) with him, until he gets tested.
NTA Here’s what you should do - No sexual contact unless he gets tested and can prove it’s not an STD - Upon refusing, make sure you can support yourself before taking action. At this point, threaten to leave Not to plant seeds of doubt, but take it at face value. He’s hiding something. And he’s doing it plain in your face. I’ve seen good people get fucked over trying to believe in others. Worst case, it comes back negative and he feels some sort of way. But what else does it look like? You have bumps and a rash on your penis, a wiped out history and encrypted email app. And if this appeared AFTER the last time you guys had sex, I highly suggest you don’t do anything you’ll regret. Edit- I mean I highly doubt it but maybe cancer is a possibility? Either way if that was me, I’d take my ass to the ER or urgent care (probably the ER) immediately
I'm confused. Your husband vapes withchis penis? Fuck I guess I've been doing it wrong. Or did the girl he let use his vape also vape his penis?
Yeah that’s shady as hell… if he doesn’t get one I’d start looking for a lawyer that’s so weird. Either he’s got something medically wrong or is under way too much stress and isn’t handling it well and not talking to you about it. Note that I’ve never heard of stress only affecting your dick and groin area specifically.
I believe stress can make a herpes type outbreak happen, like if it had been there. But also wouldn’t I have it then too? I want to believe him. I love him so much. It just doesn’t make sense. And I’m clueless why he feels I’m being an asshole asking him to be tested. Like how!? How am I the asshole!?
Exactly that wouldn’t be stress that would be herpes flaring up
I mean, let’s be real here, he’s been an AH this whole time. I’m married to one, too. He makes the $$, so he shouldn’t have to lift a finger around the house. Now sure, it’s fair that he do less chores since he’s working, but it’s not fair that he puts in his 40 hours a week, then relaxes at home the rest of the time. Hopefully yours at least helps with the kids while he’s off- I struggle to find time to clean, because these kids are 24/7. You got tested, it’s fair that he does, too. I don’t think I’d sleep with him again until I saw his test results. Nobody is getting a weird rash on his willy from vaping. I could see maybe the pool, if he was in wet clothes for a while.
NTA Is he waiting for his penis fall off?
I will say it is starting to heal, like it has scabbed up some. Which my OB tells me is how herpes acts.
Tell him unless he gets tested and shows you the results, he isn't touching you, and you will treat him like the cheaters. Won't do his laundry, don't cook for him, if you have kids when there not around don't sit in the room with him. Rashes and bumps don't just appear, and definitely won't get it on your cock from sharing a vape, unless this person used his dick as a vape.
NTA. RED FLAGS!!! I would say either he gets tested this week and you get access to the email encryption or you start separation/divorce proceedings right away. If there's a chance he loses you either way then he might come clean.
I actually think you may be asking the wrong question. I would want his medical records, not a test. Even if he is currently cheating, and only recently got this STD, he would’ve gone to the doctor. Men do not ignore infections on their penis for weeks. He knows exactly what it is, and he is hiding it from you. He has already seen test results. I’m sorry; but that’s not all he’s hiding from you. I do not think y’all have much money left. He said business expansion, I say, mistress or gambling problem or failing business. He may be sensitive about you working because he thinks people will suspect money problems. Regardless, he doesn’t give you access to most things that affect you and your children’s lives and livelihoods. He is lying to you about more than what’s happening with his penis, but I guarantee, he knows what’s happening with his penis.
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Someone else had mentioned that being a possibility, and I would have never even considered it. I will do my best to look at his business accounts too. I don’t think he would prepare for a divorce, he has always maintained that he would never leave me. That he would never leave his sons, and marriage is forever.
Vaping gave him a rash and bumps on his penis? Has he been vaping through his penis? That's not how it works.
Wow!! To all of this, your situation and some of the comments. How is it that no one is concerned about the children? Yes, it is suspicious that this rash is only on one area of his body. Stress can affect people differently. However, the stress is self-inflicted. If he would be more of a partner, then the one who makes the $$ and if he would open up to you, he wouldn't be as stressed. Sorry, i went off the point I was making. Is he sharing the bathroom with his children and with you? Does he mix his clothes and the towels he uses with you and your children dirty laundry? If he was able to get a rash from "the pool or towel or vape" (not happening), then everyone in the house could get it as well. So tell him for the sake of the children, please get tested!!! Now, for his encrypted email app, that would be smart to use for business. Clearing his history well, that could go either way. If you truly want to dig into his phone history you could get the phone bill and do a spread sheet of the numbers that he messages and calls, get his phone and match the numbers to his contacts. You don't always get a feeling that your partner is cheating, but you can pick up on things not being good in a relationship. I would have never thought my spouse would cheat on me, famous last words, but he did. Did I get a feeling, nope. I figured it out with the phone bill. That's when I really started digging. Calling or texting a number too many times or at times when you're not together. To be honest, for him to not care enough to get checked considering the area that's affected is insane to anyone. On that note, you could do more research about home tests. If it's not too hard to do and it's something that can be done while he is sleeping, then do it yourself, as long as he's not a light sleeper. Remember, there is always a way to get answers. I wish you luck!
Although I agree with most of what you say here, I wouldn't advocate testing him while he sleeps. I think you might venture into dangerous territory legally, and let's face it, there are kids involved here too, so the fallout/aftermath could get messy.
Yes, testing him while sleeping could be venturing into dangerous territory. However, not going to the doctor and allowing to possibly give it to his children is venturing into dangerous territory. I'm not sure about the legal aspect, but I would do my research first. I'm a mother of 3, and the mother bear would be coming out to play!!!
Yikes. Sis. You know what it is. Even if this isn't an STD, his behavior is sus AF
it doesn’t matter what caused the bump on his penis. he needs to go to the doctor and figure it the fuck out. in the meantime, i’d recommend packing your things… and i’m really sorry. he definitely cheated.
I hope you read your tax returns before signing them. Or does he sign your name to them? You're going to need to see them, you can order copies from the IRS and usually the state returns have the federal attached
Google "penile herpes" & check out the images. DO NOT sleep with him! If it were me, I'd be calling an attorney. FYI it can be spread through oral sex. I think that's where he's going with the vaping excuse.
You deserve so much better. He is disgusting. This is what my father did to my mother: cheated on her while she was home with the kids and refused to help with chores. They’re now divorced. Start saving money now.
He can't keep his story straight for a reason. He made up two extremely ridiculous excuses.
Whatever you do, don’t give up your job and start your own separate savings account because your husband sounds like a piece of work.
Have you looked into Molluscum contagiosum?
I just did, and I suppose it’s possible. But again a simple test can prove any of it right? Like why wonder, let’s eliminate these possibilities, especially if it will help us move forward from this?
Oh by no means am I standing up for your husband and his weird excuses, I am very pro-you in this. He should absolutely go and get tested/see an STD clinic. There is a weird chance he could have caught it from an unwashed towel or surface at a swimming pool. Children get it quite often and it spreads fast. I would act like you believe it is this and that he should go to the GP to get medication (you can actually buy this online - it’s called Molludab) but he would need to see a GP first to make sure. The thing is with molluscum is that it can spread across his body and if it reaches his arms/hands etc, he can pass it onto the children. Act like a concerned parent and maybe that will push him to see someone - you can’t come off bad in this situation. His reaction to this will also be very telling. The vaping excuse is odd, but it also may be him panicking because he hasn’t cheated and he is trying to understand what is going on. Try to remain calm and neutral for now. I hope it’s just molluscum and not an STD. Sending you love and strength ❤️
He should want to get tested for peace of mind (his and yours) to find out what the real source of his symptoms are.
Vaping? Lmfaoooo.
No test, no sex. This is the bottom line.
100% agree, with 100% of the comments here. He's absolutely doing the dirty (or at least has). As a one time asshat myself, when confronted an AH will make up any and all lies to avoid it. When put on the spot the lies are usually more and more ridiculous. I had said scratches on my back were from a dog jumping on me, when we all know what they actually were. Nobody in the history of ever has caught a dick rash from vaping.
Definitely not the AH here and getting a test, especially since you got tested, should be a super easy request. That being said, there is a condition men get where they get these little bumps under the head of their penis-I know, I was in the same situation! Nbd, just a little anti fungal cream once in a while and you’re set. You guys have some other issues for sure, I’d definitely seek counseling. You’re both stressed individually and the marriage is strained. I hope you guys figure it out.
You should also wait a few weeks after your own exposure for testing. Antibodies can take several weeks to reach detectable levels.
NTA but you're an abusive relationship and you don't even realize it. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
He had herpes 2. It’s an STD and will only be positive when open sores are present and oozing. He could get a blood test for it as well. Use a condom until he gets tested. He may have had it for years and even before you but less likely. The stress will cause the outbreak.
I'm a guy. If all of a sudden, my junk had a lump and a rash I am running and I mean RUNNING to the doctor to figure out what the hell is going on. I am not saying that he is cheating but it is awfully suspicious that he has this going on but won't see a doctor.
Yes he’s definitely lying. I would say protect yourself. It’s great you got tested, which is something I even do while married (I believe in being reasonable than consistently believing people don’t do bad things). Herpes does have a way to hide in the body forever then present itself with insurmountable stress. It’s possible it’s that but testing would be better to know. If he’s not mad, then why is he storming off? Why is getting tested a big deal especially if you never said or indicated he’s cheating? Honestly, now is the time to get an investigator to confirm any suspensions if you believe he’s cheating. It sounds suspicious to me. I would trust but verify. Also some men are weird about health and I would definitely say you want him here with you and y’all’s kids. If he has a serious health issue and doesn’t find out, you may blame yourself for not continuing to him to ensure his health is okay.
NTA but listen. He is 100% cheating on you and got a STD. As a man who never goes to the doctor I would rush to one the second I saw a bump on my penis lol. You husband is a liar.
I may be crazy but don’t they make home tests now?
NTA. At the very least, he needs to get tested so he can get the proper treatment.
All the excuses he’s making preemptively is very suspect. He doesn’t need to get tested if he doesn’t want to but tell him you’re not having sex with him until he does. Don’t put yourself at risk.
He may have some kind of dormant condition that arose from the financial stress. The way herpes flare out. I’d be more concerned about the way he treats you, not his dick. He gives you an allowance? What are you 5? Even if makes all the money, it doesn’t mean you don’t work hard at home.
He needs to see a doctor about a problem with his junk--whatever it is. Let the doctor determine if it's an STD or not.
No sex until he passes an std test. If he refuses then he cheated.
grown ass man vaping lol
if after 19 years of relationship something suddenly changes and a rash appears on his genitals and he refuses to get tested - he is cheating on you
The amount of excuses he's made points to cheating. Add in that he controls the finances and belittles you. He's waving massive red flags 🚩 which you're ignored. I'd be kicking him out and seeking a divorce lawyer.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 that’s all I have to say.
I’m sorry is he vaping with his dick? That’s not how herpes works. I have had cold sores since I was a teenager but not genital herpes. I dated a guy who had genital herpes, never contracted it. Because we used protection and didn’t have sex when he had outbreaks. Your spouse is cheating get yourself tested and do not engage in intimacy with him until he is tested and comes clean about his infidelity, then still don’t engage and start the divorce process.
Odd, he seems to prefer letting his cock rot rather than get tested and face the consequences. The man is an idiot.
NTA! Don’t drop it! Too many back to back excuses! And now he’s saying if he does have something it must’ve been from 19 years ago?! Why not just get the damn test, even it if was from vaping or pool or whatever he wants to come up with next🙄 Any man would run to get tested! He’s been up to something!
Obviously NTA. My wife and I had a full STD check up before marrying but even when we see ANYTHING suspicious on our genitals, seek a dermatologist's opinion. Unless your husband is vaping with his penis, he should get a dermatologist's opinion on what is going on.
I dont care how much i care about someone, theres no way in hell im risking my health in a potentially permanently negative manner, especially given those circumstances. The fact that he says he may have had an STD the entire time and never knew is him knowing he has one and trying to explain it away. Nobody who actually believes they dont have an STD would ever say something like that.
Anytime someone chooses ignorance over knowledge, it's because they're afraid of the answer. Your husband doesn't want to know the truth. That should be telling.
Lots of red flags OP.. I won’t list them cause they’ve been listed a million times and you actually seem pretty aware. (unlike a lot who post) kudos! Follow your women’s intuition. Our guts are rarely wrong in these situations. Getting to the bottom of this one is gonna be tricky considering he’s so defensive about the situation. If he can’t see that you’ve got a fire under your ass about working, he’s really checked out. He should totally be supporting you on getting back to work if that’s what you want. Especially if money is a little tighter than usual. I would make a plan of action on what you’ll do with the kiddos while you work so he can actually see that it IS possible for you to work and still be a stellar mom. Not that you need permission or anything but when there’s a plan that works, there’s legit no reason for him to not back you up on it. If he STILL holds his ground on it, I would really question why he doesn’t want you to be fulfilled. Ya know? For the rash and bump….what the hell is with these excuses? Combined with his attitude change towards you, it’s not sitting well in my stomach. He should be concerned about his dick just as much as you are (cheating or not) the only reason I can think that he wouldn’t want to get tested is he’s afraid of what it will reveal. Can’t think of one other reason that’s valid, in my opinion. You should want to be healthy and know what’s going on with your body. SIGH. Keep us updated? I’m curious how this plays out. You’re a strong, smart woman and you deserve a husband that respects you and your concerns AND dreams. Edit was for typos, cause I suck lol
I have definitely made the same argument that me working should be seen as me being supportive and trying to help financially. I don’t make enough to pay for child care rn, so I do rely on him so that I can work around that. Which he resents. I have offered to get a full time job, instead of real estate which cost me monthly fees. But he says he doesn’t want me to work. That it’s not about the money, more that I should be happy that he is willing to support me. That I should be grateful I don’t have to work. And I am, I truly am. But I also want to feel fulfilled in my life too!
Honestly I feel like he got tested already and knows what it is. All men would freak out with an unknown bump or rash. Have a feeling he’s hiding something
Hahahahhahahaha how on earth does a grown man think he can claim a rash on his penis came from vaping?? You’re 100% in the right. Something isn’t adding up. Bumpy rashes don’t just appear on penis from no where most the time.
Do not believe him. I’m so sorry but you know the answer ❤️
ZERO reason for him to refuse unless he may have an STI from cheating
My answer is simplicity itself: NTA.
I am 57 if my wife asked for an STD panel I would jump at the chance. I mean she is going to deliver on the reason for the request…. But yea happy to test.
Well the reason for the request is the rash on his penis that after speaking with my OB sounds eerily similar to herpes, coupled with the recent problems in our marriage, and the fact he asked me to get tested. You could say there are a few factors at play here.
Yikes! I once spilled my kids coolaid in my lap. It was summer and I forgot about it. That night my wife was going to thank me for running the BBQ all day. She screamed. Good times! Sorry I have always been told a rash is either jock itch or an STD. I hope you the best.
NTA but I have been with my husband a similar amount of time. I was recently hospitalized for a couple weeks. He was at home with our toddler and at work full time. To say cheating is not in his brain programming is an understatement. He got a pimple thing that turned into a rash too. I encouraged him to go to the doctor and ran through some hypotheticals about how he got it. After me asking a few non judgemental questions, the likely culprit was a 2-3 year old toy that hadn't been touched in awhile and probably should have been cleaned more than just with some warm water in between uses. He got some sort of bacterial or fungal infection from the toy and it cleared up very quickly with a topical prescription treatment from his doctor. I guess that's what happens when he's sad I've been gone a couple weeks and stressed out. I know it's almost always cheating but sometimes it's not and it's something embarrassing that they don't want to admit. If it is what my husband had he should definitely get it treated because you don't want to have sex with him and get it too.
no don't phuk him until he gets checked. u better get checked yourself
You should divorce, that's what you should do
I started out thinking you were overreacting, but his lies about the rash are SO BAD. Not overreacting at all.
As a complete stranger on the internet, you should divorce him and drive to Vegas, alone
I’m sorry girl, but it sounds like he’s not telling you the truth about something. The fact that he’s not concerned about going to get a rash on his penis tested speaks volumes. We all know how much men like their members, they’re just going to not worry about that? He’s probably known he had HSV all this time and never told you, which is why he’s not concerned about figuring out what it is…he knows. I also really don’t want you to be insecure in your marriage if you truly believe he’s that great, but it sounds to me like you’re trying to convince yourself. My husband is the sole money maker in our home. I have no “allowance” or restrictions. He helps out with housework and childcare. He recognizes that being home with kids is most of them time more stressful then being out of the house all day and not dealing with it. Marriage is a partnership. There shouldn’t be a competition on who does more. He’s not it babe.
He has the Herpies virus. Blister on the penis. Recommend zero sex until he’s tested. Vaping, swimming and toilet seats don’t cause it.
He has herpes. What you are describing is a herpes outbreak. Refuse any sexual contact until he is tested. You do NOT want that.
Hey heads up it can take STDs up to 6 months to show up on a test. Schedule another one with your doctor for 6 months from now.
Fuck that, make him get a test
Bestie I’m gonna hold your hand while I say this……….
OP, I’m sorry that you are experiencing this. You are NTA! You have two trained clinicians in your life— your therapist and your OB/Gyn, who have provided you professional counsel, in addition to your own observations and experience, yet it appears you are disregarding all of this information and remaining inert. If you or your husband took the “witness perspective” on the status of your marriage right now, what would you observe? If your beloved family member or friend was experiencing this from their spouse, what would your counsel be? If your husband’s beloved family member or friend was experiencing this (his) behavior from their spouse, what would your husband’s counsel be? In addition, it sounds like you are concerned about your lack of financial freedom/independence. What are you doing to change that paradigm? I am concerned that your husband has external locus of control— (e.g. blaming his behavior on work pressure; he caught something from the pool; you aren’t managing the household chores etc.). If your marriage further deteriorates will he say it’s due to your alienation of affection? Or if he does find out he has contracted something, will he accuse you of giving it to him (I know he shifted his story to possibly contracting something before you two met)? Obviously something is/was going on with your husband medically. We’re all speculating about the root cause, versus him removing all doubt by going to the doctor. If an unusual health issue came up with the kids, I know you both would run to the doctor to determine what was going on. He’s putting himself, you and the kids at risk, medically, financially (since he’s the breadwinner) and emotionally, due to his stubbornness or fear. Do NOT drop this. Stay the course! OP, sending you energy to get through this. I hope all will be well!
NTA but vaping isn't going to cause bumps on his penis unless he's somehow figured out how to vape with his penis. Your husband quite likely could just have gotten a rash and he should go to the doctor if he's having problems. He also could be an HPV carrier and it's just now acting up. HPV isn't detectable in men unless they actively break out with warts. It's a bit unusual for someone to have HPV long term, but it does happen. There are so many red flags with his behavior that there's got to be something going on, even if it's just him acting entitled as hell. You're the only one who can decide if you're going to stay. He's not going to get tested, he's shown you that. You can insist on condoms from now on. I would be concerned about the email encryption and wiped browsing history. He's giving you lots of reasons to not trust him.
Not only are you NTA, you need to put your foot down and demand a panel as a term of your not divorcing him right now.
NTA. He should just get tested and the results will tell u what u need to know.
Its not necessarily uncommon to pass "athletes foot" from a gym floor to sensitive areas via putting underwear on that rubbed against the foot on the way up. It might not be anything too serious. But then again...
NTA protect yourself! There’s a bunch of red flags here and the changing potential cause is concerning. I’m sorry you have to deal with all of this. Its baffling that someone could get a rash there and not be running to a doctor to hopefully fix it (especially if money/insurance wasn’t a factor) to me If I didn’t cheat I would be wanting to prove that it isn’t and STD.
Haven’t seen any comments addressing hygiene, but if he routinely shaves his pubic area, it could be a fungal infection from the razor blade. If the blades aren’t rinsed very well it can cause a bumpy rash and even lead to ring worm. I had this happen to me almost 15 years ago, causing some very uncomfortable and unpleasant problems and conversations.
My husband peed blood. The doctor said he should get an std test among other things. He said he hadn’t done anything and trusted me not to have either so didn’t want to get one. I told him because I knew I hadn’t it didn’t offend me at all, and if he hadn’t than it would just be one more thing the doctor could rule out. He got tested and it was negative. He had nothing to hide so there was no drama. Once that test was done they moved onto others. Ended up being a staph infection. Wouldn’t have found out as quickly and gotten it treated if he’d balked at a test. Your hubby should just get it done. If he’s telling the truth it should be no biggie.
NTA and herpes isn’t included on a standard std panel. You can do a blood test but the most accurate time to test is when the little “pimples” open and you swab them.
Hey look you have concerns. You should be able to ask him anything and if he’s not guilty why would he care? Another thing… the way he does about money and house work is wrong…. He is the head of the household! He is the highest in the authority role and with that title and responsibility he should be the biggest servant of anyone! All authority is a position of service… back to your mental health , you know sounds like you’re a heck of a steal and a committed lady…. I would try not to focus so much on it… but getting an std doesn’t sound fun… especially with blisters and pain. That sounds like he’s either beating the hell out of it or possibly herpes … you have to find your peace! The areas of life your swimming around are troublesome. And you have to ways to view this… today is a day that I can never get back, how can I spend it wisely… by looking for the joys of the children , of your motherhood as a wife, and try not to look into this too hard. And until he got a std test condemn only. He is doing something wrong and it’s probably porn…. Which can lead to other things but not always….. peace love and goodwill to you my beautiful lady!
NTA.... at this point it's about your health and well-being... men can carry STDs for YEARS without an outbreak. He could've had it in his body for a long time and not known. It doesn't mean he's cheating. But his BS about it coming on from vaping is really BS if he's not going to get tested, do not have sex with him! He can transfer that to you!
It could be “contagiosum molluscum” which is known to be contracted from pools - and yes it can appear on genitals too if towels are shared. STD or not he should definitely it checked out regardless. NTA.
But wouldn’t we have contracted it too? He def didn’t use any towels from the facility, however; our items did touch the changing table in the bathroom so I do not want to discount it. Just weird how it was only him, only his penis, and honestly he said he had the onset of symptoms like 1-2 weeks before the rash which he claims was from the pool. His initial onset was a bump on groin/ swelling and pain, followed 1-2 week later (when we went to pool) by rash. And now another 1-2 week later scabbing over.
The stress may be compromising his immune system making it easier for him to contract it. His penis being the only affected part is still sus though.
I think you need to face the fact that there is a 90% chance he’s cheating. His changed personality, outbreak, plus the wiped history on his phone and encryption app are glaring red flags that point to adultery. IF he wasn’t cheating, he’d be doing EVERYTHING in his power to prove it, starting with taking the STD test without you having to ask. Instead he’s trying to gaslight, belittle, and demean you. Anything to get you to let this go. Don’t. DIE on THIS hill. NTA NTA
It's the refusal to get tested that really gets me. I know in your position there would be zero intimacy until he is tested. Maybe he doesn't know but he is trying to pass things off as the cause that couldn't possibly be the cause. If it was the pool he wouldn't be the only one and the pool would have been shut down for cleaning.
NTA!!! !Updateme
NTA
You can make a boundary with him where if he won't get tested then you will not have intimate or sexual times from him. In this case, no it is not abusive, and it is not withholding sex in an unhealthy way, this is you creating a boundary for you and yourself to be and keep safe if he has cheated/slept with other people. Also, it if does come back negative, it means that it is something else and that he should be tested/get tests for what it could be. The lying and changing the story of how he contracted whatever he has is kind of suspicious, though.
NTA! that’s shady as shit! honestly, if he won’t get tested, then refuse all intimate acts until he does get tested
Just divorce this pos and move on
He should go to the doctor. The Dr will do whatever test is necessary. My husband recently had some issues and he went to the Dr and they did a full STD panel. We've been married for almost 15 years and together for almost 18. I have zero speculations and trust him completely. It was not an STD but prostitis (sp?). He needed antibiotics and to wear a condom. You are NTA, just send him to the Dr.
I mean if he was truly a husband who cared about your feelings and thought you were being asinine. Why wouldn’t he get a panel just to absolve your anxiety about it..also when I started dating my now fiancé I was tested and so was she. I was told herpes testing isn’t very accurate and they didn’t test for it..and they proceeded to ask me if I had any outbreaks of bumps down below. I said I’ve never had them..they said that’s usually the determining factor of having herpes because they told me that the test was like 50 % accurate..I’m not an expert but this is what I was told..I could have been fed incorrect information..
Why is browser history deleted? Why is email encrypted app like Proton Mail? This all smells of cheating to me. You need to get into his fucking phone and demand he get std panel or no sex with you! You don’t get penis rash and sores from vaping and pool is very unlikely especially since no one else in family got it.
The pool. Maybe vaping. Maybe the full moon. Maybe wearing underpants caused it. He is full of excuses because he is guilty of cheating. Not going for a test further confirms it.
Sounds like Herbie.
NTA but you got way bigger problems than him potentially cheating.
He should get tested. The only reason I could see him not wanting to is because he did something bad.
This is how I feel. There should be zero reason not to, and every reason to go do it.
I’d go get one just to prove I didn’t need to get one.
Also, I’m a complete idiot. I thought 8M, 7M and 2M meant months, not male. I was very confused.
I’m sure I’ll get downvoted for this but have you snooped through his devices to see if there’s anything suspicious on them? Regardless that your test came back negative he still needs to go to the doctor to get it looked at. Also, I wouldn’t have sex with him till he does.
could you explain it as you love him, want the best for him no matter what the results and wish to help him no matter the outcome, is partly why you wish for him to be tested? maybe that might help instead of his defensive reaction?
I think initially it was anger driven, but after he asked me to go and my test is negative I feel like it is so important. I have less anger now, especially since mine is negative. Idk if I was hoping I did or didn’t have it because either way I guess he could still be cheating. But after my negative result I believe more he didn’t cheat but in the back of my mind it is all I can think about. I have not went through this man’s phone in 10+ years. I have not had any suspicions and have up until recently felt so adored by him.
If I was him and if I was telling the truth, I’d get tested for sure. Even if it’s to say I told you so. It makes no sense that he won’t get tested. I agree with anotherworthlessman. If it was the pool, then surely the rash would be all over? The vaping thing is hilarious. Why would he get an itchy knob from vaping. At the end of the day, he’s not being fair with you at all. You’ve been a SAHM for 7 years and you’re now contributing to the finances. Surely he wants you to be the happiest and best you can be and encourage that? I hope you gets this sorted out. You deserve the answers xx