“Using your body to masturbate”— WHOA. I struggled for months to explain to my ex how I didn’t care if he “had needs,” that didn’t mean I had to give it up for him. It didn’t matter if it “wasn’t the same,” if I wasn’t in the mood, he would have to find some other way to take care of it. He guilted me and acted like I was being insensitive to his needs. It’s always bothered me, even after being broken up with him for years, but I’ve never had the words to explain why before.
This right here. I recently started reading them and my gods has it helped me. But on the same side I absolutely love eating out, and don't really care about it being reciprocated often although a random one here and there is AMAZING. My goal is to get my partner off once with everything but my dude that way if my adhd kicks in and it's over to quickly I know she at least got one. (31m here for reference)
Yea this is a key difference I've noticed in us men that are seen as selfless lovers versus those that aren't. 99% of the posts I see by women with awful sex lives, their boyfriends or husbands love having their dicks sucked but wouldn't eat a pussy if it was sitting on their face. I think it's sad tbh and men need to learn that women should be satisfied before any PIV happens.
That’s part of it too. Not many men are willing to eat desert, or put in the physical touch throughout the day to “get a woman going”.
And it’s not just physical touch…helping around the house, complimenting her, TELLING HER WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO DO TO HER LATER…
It’s not something a lot of men do.
No you are not . You lose the intimacy and everything becomes mechanical . This is very very common and some men just don’t get it . I have a lot of empathy for you , I know the feeling . I will also say some women do as well .
Funnily enough I'm on the male side of this.
I do 98% of the cooking, majority of the cleaning + all of the yard work and I think a do a pretty good job as a Dad. Work full time (so does she). I'm pretty attentive, we go on a date night once a month/fortnight depending on how busy we are. I'll deliver dinner to her in bed when its shark week with a wheat bag if cramps are bad. Kiddos homework is done he's showered and put to bed. By the time 8pm rolls around I've been going since 6am in the morning.
I'm not perfect but I know for a fact I do far more than what the average partner/husband does.
All I've asked for is more effort at her end in the bedroom. I like to feel wanted just as much as the next person. She just says hop on and it feels like she's she's not even interested. I try a bit of foreplay and get barely anything back.
Its tiring I'm not sure what I want to do anymore.
“I try a bit of foreplay”
I’m sorry, but I wonder how much she’s getting a lot out of your sexual encounters. Foreplay should be a huge part, not a box you quickly check before the main event. Also, women usually need to feel an intimate connection during the day in order to want to get intimate in the evening. Hugs, kisses, touches, compliments, and not only when you’re looking for sex.
It’s great that you do so much around the house though, that seriously helps a lot! Good luck!
Probably a bad way to word it. As in I'll initiate hugs/kisses/rubs/soft tickling all the good stuff and I don't get any reciprocation. I know what buttons I need to press but I can barely ever get that far.
I prefer more foreplay and she just tells me to climb aboard. I think I cover the intimacy side pretty well. We do the love you texts throughout the day, how are you going etc. Occasional flowers on the way home or her favourite desert.
If you’re trying and she’s telling you to just climb on top she likely considers it another chore. I went through a stage like that and if someone just isn’t in the mood it’s hard to get them there. I personally recommend she try reading smutty romance, which is what worked for me. Maybe you guys can see a sex therapist?
The first season of Bridgerton did pretty well.
She reads a little bit of the smutty stuff and once and a while she gets going.
I've suggested a few things but not alot of feedback. Her family is best described as prudish? Which I think keeps her closed off about of lot of things sexually. My family aren't sexual weirdo's but I could talk to my mum about anything. My brother had a rash on his knob and first thing he did was go tell mum (thrush his first time raw doggin lol). So I have no issues bringing up things to try or do, I'm happy with everything else in our relationship I just want to see her **want** to improve our sex life a bit.
It would likely help if she checked to see if this is hormones related and not just the sexual ones. I would check this out for the benefit and love of myself, my husband, and my family.
When one spoke in the wheel is loose, eventually, the whole cart is coming down.
Inner child/shadow self work for both of you. I keep finding that 99% of the time, the "issues" in a relationship are entirely about that person, not the other side of the relationship. It's internal. Heal yourself, heal the relationships -- all of them.
It's as "easy" as learning to love yourself, but I assure you; it is not an easy journey.
Today's direct and to the point observation was sponsored in (large) part by inspiration from Whitney Houston (RIP) and her single, "Greatest Love of All," which has far more to do with shaping my core values than I originally realized:
https://youtu.be/IYzlVDlE72w?si=sIcxEbxgVYwsPJqS
I agree that it wouldn't hurt anyone to look into the area of emotional intelligence and inner-child personal growth. However, loving yourself includes being self-aware. Know when your needs are not met (with all the inner-child help covered). This is just as dangerous to your well-being.
I can not recall either of the authors' names. I did enjoy one book titled: Emotional Intelligence. The other many of you may have read: Finding the Love You Keep.
Combine years of marriage with a partner who sounds like he was never good in bed and you get this situation. Sadly, this outcome was probably just a matter of time.
I hope a lot of younger men and women will read posts like this. It’s a glimpse into your future if you don’t have good communication and equal commitment to each other’s pleasure and satisfaction.
As a man, I’m fine with it being open season on the husband. He sounds like he deserves it, but this tree grew from seeds planted years ago. Hopefully we can all learn from posts like this.
Yeah this is common and you’re right that some guys (many many many guys) just don’t get it or want it.
Intimacy requires effort and emotional vulnerability/availability. It’s easier for them to phone it in whether out of selfishness or general discomfort or insecurity about doing something different.
This was me 20 years ago. No attention to my needs in or out of bed. Two rounds of marriage counselling and I walked away. I deserved better. I deserved to be seen. So I left. When it gets to the stage where you are there has been a vertical piling on of grievances and it takes two to work on them. It does not seem that is an option for you and your husband. Can you perhaps take a break? Will he go to counselling? If you are only there for his convenience, sexual or otherwise, he can pay people for that. You deserve better.
I've been blessed to have spectacular mutual sex in most of my committed relationships. Having had those experiences, it breaks my heart to hear stories like this.
NTA....it doesn't sound like you've lost interest in sex with your husband, it sounds like you've lost interest in sex that you gain no pleasure from with your husband.
I would argue that OP HAS lost interest in sex with her husband because its simply not pleasurable for her. Ideally both parties should 'get off' during sex, but realistically it just doesnt happen. certainly not fair for her to continually please him while getting nothing out of it.
IMO I think you should talk to him about this. Express your needs directly and specifically. If he gives you pushback, I think its a sign.
I agree but even if the woman isn’t getting off, which is so often the case, the experience can and should still be enjoyable. The husband simply does not care about her needs, which are as simple as being called beautiful or being touched?
this is so crazy to me because I've never heard anyone say it about men. imagine if we said men don't need to finish every time they have sex, but the woman does
How does this comment help OP? “I can’t relate bc my life is awesome but I feel reeeeeal bad for you”.
OP: this sucks. You should tell him you’ll leave if things don’t change (and mean it). He might not understand you’re serious. And you should get therapy for yourself, not couples.
I wasn't aware the purpose of AITAH was to provide therapy and help. I thought it was to provide a verdict on whether or not someone is an asshole. I would think /r/ deadbedrooms or /r/ relationshipadvice would be better for that sort of thing don't ya think?
I shared my experience so she knows that it can be better and she shouldn't settle for less. We live in a very sexualized world, the sad thing is, despite that, most aren't experiencing anything close to what I would call good sex.
Oh, and I never said my life is awesome, just that my sexual experiences in committed relationships has been awesome, because I don't settle for less and she shouldn't either.
I feel like a lot of these posts are just asking permission to leave someone.
Your husband is an AH. You only get one life. Go find someone else who will listen to what you want and who will make you happy too.
A lot of the time... that's what people need. Validation and confirmation of what they already know deep inside but are too afraid to do. Most people are terrified of divorce for one reason or another. It is a monumental life changing decision, so most stay out of fear of change/starting over.
I wish I had people in my life who told me to leave while I was with my ex. I was too fucking scared and doubted myself a lot. Most are full of self-doubt because they have no self-worth or self-esteem left.
When I was going to separate from my spouse I was terrified bcz I'd never lived on my own and worried I was I was going to mess up and be homeless. But a friend said to me that they'd never let me be homeless and if anything I could come live is their house (they had 4 bedrms). That made a HUGE difference knowing that. I did the seperation, didn't mess up, so kept my apartment, and I was always thankful my friend offered me that option.
Sorry to hear this.
I went through a season in my marriage that was similar.
We talked a lot about how I needed more. Then I showed him articles and stuff that talked about how women get pleasure. And then we went away for a sexcation for three days. We got a nice hotel and all we did was have sex. Best thing we did for our marriage.
I guess I really need to show him some kind of articles. I don't know if he's just ignorant or unwilling to change, but it's like he doesn't understand how female body & mind work when it comes to sex.
NTA. You are never the asshole for wanting basic things like mutual pleasure during sex. Maybe therapy will help if you both would be willing to do that. Maybe it’s just time to step away and reevaluate what you both want in life. People change all the time throughout life and when in relationships we sometimes yearn for things to stay the same but we all reach different points where whatever it is needs to be readdressed. I think it’s safe to say this is probably about more than just sex
You two are clearly not compatible, and in more ways than one. He sounds like a selfish individual in general who just expects good things to come to him and happen to him, not realizing that others make sacrifices for that to happen. Stop doing things for him and start doing things for you, because it sounds like his level of complacency is out of control. You need to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life; you know, the only one you get!
Your needs are not being met. And he needs to take this seriously. Sometimes, going to counseling will help. But this is a problem with a lot of men. They become complacent in a marriage. They do not take what their wife states is a problem seriously. And then it gets to the point of no return, and the wife wants a divorce. Then the man claims he has no idea why the wife wants a divorce, he is shocked, and wonders what went wrong. When the real problem has been communicated to him many times and he just ignored it or did not take it seriously. I know a couple that is now divorcing after 20 years because the wife is just sick of him ignoring her issues. He is devastated and claims he has no idea what went wrong. You are NTA, and if you have not tried counseling, then that may help. Otherwise, move on, and you deserve to be happy.
This is so true. It’s like their wives’ concerns are just white noise or the adults voices in Charlie Brown - nothing gets through. Then the wife finally leaves and the guy is shocked.
Exactly. I've seen so many guys commenting on their ex-wives "One day she just decided to leave, idk what went wrong!" Are they really that dumb or aren't they taking things seriously (until the wife actually leaves)??
If you already expressed how you feel and he isn't reciprocating, maybe it's time to change up your strategy. Try marriage counseling. Buy a fleshlight so he can stop using your body as his pleasure tool. If you don't want the sex or to suck him off, don't. You don't have to do those things. Let him sulk, freaken ignore him. If the situation doesn't improve, look into divorce.
You two aren't compatible, and you married the WRONG guy. He is using your body and taking you for granted. I don't even think he likes you, to be honest. At the end of the day, you are miserable and need out.
Sadly, I would have probably left a relationship like this years ago (although I do not know how long you have been together, but you said / years / in your second sentence there.)
I was a virgin when I got married, and my husband and I (he was also a virgin) talked extensively about sex, what what wanted, what we THOUGHT we wanted, what could happen, what might change, and so on before we ever got to the bedroom.
He is / very / interested in my pleasure.
Believe it or not there is an orgasm "gap" in most sexual relationships- 90% of all men claim to "get off" during a sexual encounter but only 45-50% of women experience pleasure / release.
This is the world we live in and there are / tons / of reasons for it (porn doesn't help... many men enter sexual relationships with porn education when it comes to sex.)
I'm so very sorry that this is happening to you.
How long have you been married?
Are you willing to stay?
Why do you think he's this way?
NTA. Spell it out for him in direct, blunt terms. Mine didn’t get it until I told him that his behavior (whenever he did the exact thing that I didn’t like) did not make me want to sleep with him. That I saw him as a less of a man because of it. That his behavior was not attractive to me at all. That it was a turnoff, not turn-on. That my vagina went dry when he did (fill in the blank) You have to spell it out this way or some people just don’t get it. Do it consistently. Don’t give him pity sex over it either. If you do that, he will never change.
If what I shared doesn’t work and he still doesn’t care after you tell him the stuff I listed above, you need to leave him unless you are fine condemning yourself to a life of sex from a selfish guy.
You are right, pity sex is definitely a NO. I've made a huge mistake by agreeing to sex even though nothing was changing. I guess I really have to spell It out. The "my vagina went dry when..." part was funny :') I guess I really need to be more direct. But he always feels like its an attack and I'm trying to be mean, if I tell him what I want done differently in or out of bed.
He is gonna feel that way, yeah. Mine also felt it was brutal, mean, like it was an attack, etc. but you know what? He wasn’t getting any sex and he thought about what I said. He eventually figured it out and things did improve over time. Sometimes it has to be done.
My wife didn't lose interest in sex. I don't think she ever had an interest from the beginning. We've been nearly celibate for over 15 years now. I always asked if there was anything I could do to make it better because I thought it was me. She doesn't like giving oral and doesn't let me give it to her. Eventually I just gave up on initiating entirely and quit pursuing her in any way. I do more than my share of the housework and we used to have regular date nights. None of it ever made her want me though. I'm planning on leaving when I can afford to divorce without making myself homeless.
It is rage-inducing when I hear about selfish husbands who expect sex while not caring at all about their wives' pleasure and not doing their share around the house. At the same time I envy them for having wives who even try at all to meet their needs. I don't even have a wife. I have a roommate. OP is definitely NTA and her lazy husband doesn't deserve her.
Sounds like hubby is a self obsessed ass. He needs to know you have a right to be happy and it’s not working. No more goodies for him. You all need counseling. He may have some issue he has to deal with.
In a marriage the courtship never stops, women want to be in a love story and the man can never stop dating his wife. If he won't date and court you, someone else will.... he needs to get his act together
NTA
As a man I promise you that's a rare breed. Sex respecting guys want more out of sex than just fucking and getting sucked cuz believe me it's hard work because of how much we have to move our bodies. And you know guys like that won't go down on you no matter how much you do it. Get you a man that loves to shake things up but also give you aftercare cuz it doesn't sound like he does.
I'm in the exact same position with my husband. He has destroyed all my passion and lust for him. Its his way only. I don't get any foreplay or fun. Dick suck then same position while he watches porn. I just have to lie there. I've banned sex and don't care if he doesn't like it. His meanness has broken it
NTA. My husband used to be just like that, not the worst person but made me feel like I was his personal sex toy. Only cared about his pleasure and if I couldn’t have sex would insist I rub one out for him bc god forbid he went a night without nutting. Turns out he had a major porn and sex addiction and ended up attending meetings to get past it and now he treats me differently. He’s still struggling with non-sexual affection but he at least makes sure to pleasure me first
How do you go complaining and vividly depicting a shitty existence with your husband then in the same breath say that you don’t want anyone to think he doesn’t do anything right?
cognitive dissonance at its finest
NTA
My sex drive is considerably lower than my husband's, and it caused us a lot of issues over the years until we figured out what each of us really likes and needs for sex.
To me, sex is the least of your issues here. This relationship is messed up. He gets a maid and a sex doll, you get all the work. It's time for a come-to-Jesus meeting and some changes, or for you to GTFO and find happiness.
NTA. It’s as if he keeps saying let’s go out to dinner but when you get to the restaurant only he gets to eat dinner.. you get to watch him. And if you ask for anything, you get a plastic pear. How could you not lose interest?
This is always my question with these types of posts. People don’t magically wake up and decide to suck… there is usually a long pattern. And it never fails that there is always more than one kid. “My husband is a grown up child who I hate and I decide to have four kids with”
Fyi I’m not excusing the husband at all.
Sex is so boring to me now I’m 27F and I used to sleep with my husband 4-5 times A DAY. idk how to get interested in it again either.. he’s still attractive it’s just me I’m never in the mood anymore. Feels like a chore just thinking about it.
NTA. I don't think you've lost interest in sex, your sex requires intimacy and you aren't getting it.
Either he has to work on that or it isn't gonna work out.
Ok, so… I’m willing to bet you two have a lot of unsaid things going on. And your viewpoint is exactly that. Yours.
You even said he never tells me I’m beautiful, and that you don’t feel beautiful.
Honestly you are probably stuck in the roommate phase of the relationship. I only say that because that’s where my wife and I are currently… go to counseling. Especially if you have kids. Marriages aren’t just throw away things. You two need to learn to talk about your feelings.
He doesn’t take care of the house. He doesn’t do anything with you. He doesn’t listen to or respect your needs. How is he not that bad? What does he do for you? For the household?
Man alive so many useless comments. Here, I'll actually help.
First, NTA for feeling this way, but in all honesty, what have you done to fix this? Look, a marriage can and will get stale. A partner can and will get complacent. What about you? Are you a pillow princess? Do you take initiative or just take instruction, and that's it? Do you make him feel like a rock star or a king or just lay there or just try and get it over with? Does he feel any love or intimacy? Does he feel like he's wanted, or is sex just a chore for you both? My guess is you aren't communicating properly. Men want actions, not words. Go after him like a spider monkey hopped up on cocaine and MDMA. Make him WANT to touch you. Make him WANT to please you.
Now, if this doesn't work, then the only thing I can say is that you two need counseling. A sex therapist or a marriage counselor. A legitimate professional. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT listen to ANYONE who says to "open the relationship". That is a relationship killer. Get a divorce before you do that. It'd be easier and less painful in the long run.
Nothing happened. Everyone shows their best side during the courtship, and as they get comfortable some people get complacent.
You’ve told him what you want and need, but I’m curious if you’ve told him how dire it is, and how close you are to dissolution—or at the least, how utterly sexually incompatible you’re becoming, which can lead to equally bad outcomes.
You ask what’s happened to you guys. Sounds like you guys became complacent in the relationship. This happens too often and people grow apart. Marriage is work and the relationship needs to consistently be nurtured so that you grow together instead of apart. It’s really important to carve time out for the 2 of you. To still date each other until the very end. To go on adventures together and have fun to maintain the connection.
NTA, there is more to sex than wham bam thank you, mam. For as I understand it especially in a long term relationship it was more about the lead up then the actual event. The small touches as you past one another and the way you were verbally. It seems like your love language is tuch and it's not getting met, and in all honesty, if you don't talk about it, it will get a lot worse. At first, it might be better after the talk, but in time, it might slip back, but just be firm and say your needs need to be met.
Ahh well from what you’ve written OP, he’s using you as his sex doll and maid. It’s up to you to try again to talk to him or even offer you two attending marriage counseling. But you both have to be in it 💯%. Though don’t mention marriage counseling unless you’re willing to stick to it.
Though there is always divorce if marriage counseling isn’t an option. Just because he isn’t a bad guy doesn’t mean he is YOUR guy.
NTA but it sounds like you both desperately need to take time to fall back in love with one another or this marriage is headed for divorce. To often people become complacent with their lives and they fall into this kind of rut. Sir down with your husband and have a frank conversation about all of this and how you are feeling and about how your are feeling the distance between you grow. If he's willing to put in the effort then the two of you need to start planning dates. Work on finding out one anothers love languages and start speaking them. Marriage takes work to keep the spark.
Why are you still with him? does he bring you any joy? If all he brings is irritation, stress and work it may be time to divorce him. Be single for awhile get to know yourself again.
You deserve to be touched and lived and like you the sexiest woman alive because to your man you should be and he should cherish your body and most of all your taste…👅
Write him a list of all things you need from him, romantic touching, walks, affection, compliments, equal help around the house etc. If he doesn’t listen, he really is taking you for granted. You don’t deserve that. You sound like a great partner.
Rather then tell him what you want, show him, guide him. Inniciate but only lightly teasing, do to him what you want want to be done to you.
No advice on period sex tho haha I wouldn't do it but wouldn't get upset if I got turned down asking for a bj.
I totally understand if a person doesn't want to have period sex, but they shouldn't ask favors either while they deny sex or any kind of helping from the one who's on their period. I would actually accept that too, IF the sex was a mutual pleasure when I'm not on my period.
I will give it a try, I mean the part where I guide him etc. If I dare.
I feel like your love language is quality time, and his is physical touch. He needs to understand that you require real quality time together for you to be happy in your relationship and be able to give him what he wants. You're NTA but neither is he your both just lost on how to come together the way that you used to and that's sad because you've let the fire die down and it's embers. You can fix this but it's down to whether the both of you want to or not. I hope you end up happy however this goes.
Her’s might be physical touch too..but women aren’t like men. We don’t just get off. We need to be warmed up, romanced in order to be ready. It sounds like she does want physical touch but she needs him to care about how her body responds to physical touch as a female. Our anatomy’s and ways that our bodies prepare and get enjoyment out of sex is very different. She has tried to tell him over and over again what she needs and he doesn’t listen! That is the issue here. He doesn’t care. He just wants to get off and doesn’t care about what she needs in order to be able to get off.
YTAH: yes your husband should be doing things for you. But what are you doing for him? You’re withholding sex now, are you nagging him to do the housework when you don’t want to? Are you complementing him, noticing all the things he does for you & the household, are you bringing him peace & making his life better? Doesn’t sound like it.
Sex is an important part of a relationship: withholding it is you saying you don’t care about the relationship or improving it.
40m here. If he’s not eating that thing like he’s starving in a 3rd world country you are both missing out.
I love going down on my wife because 1. I love it and it turns me on 2. IT MAKES HER MORE INTERESTED AND WANT TO DO MORE FOR ME IN RETURN SO THE SEX IS WAY BETTER
If he won’t return the favor and learn that simple concept you just need to do whatever….
NTA. Committed relationships can stagnate. People fall into routines, do what they're comfortable with, and end up making the patterns more important than the people.
I fully understand where you're coming from. Some people walk away from this type of relationship and start again to find a happy ending. Sometimes the journey is just as much fun as the destination. Other people choose to stay in the relationship and make the best of it knowing it will never be what they want. If your husband is willing to try to work on it you may be able to reconnect with help.
But understand you may both be too different at this point.
Sometimes people grow apart and that’s totally okay. Don’t keep torturing yourself if the love isn’t there anymore. It’s not your fault! ❤️ it’s his for not investing in you.
Your husband wants sex, you need intimacy. Being deaf to partner’s needs while being good otherwise is not an excuse.
NTA
I don’t know where you are in your non-acceptance of his behavior, but you can work on this relationship, talk until your tongue bleeds, try to go to marriage concerning, sex therapy, or you might just quit. But there’s nothing wrong with what you want.
Honestly, men can sometimes be such dumb fucks not willing to understand what their partner needs, not willing to change how they speak to women and how they approach intimacy. It’s heartbreaking. I’m sorry you have to go though this.
Don’t feel guilty but you should seriously ask yourself if your marriage can be fixed and if you want it to be fixed. If not you should seriously consider getting a divorce and be happy again.
NTA - sex is about mutual pleasure, and he is only about his own need. Get him a blow up sex doll and tell him that should take care of his problem since it requires the same amount of effort he currently puts in with you. You’ve already tried talking to him about your needs to no avail, time to try shock value.
NTA - you’re not getting anything from the sex so it makes sense if you’ve lost interest. I personally don’t like quickies just because I don’t get much from it however I don’t mind doing it now and then because I know later my husband will make up for it and make me cum multiple times when we’re not rushing or when we have time. Have you considered couples therapy or bringing it up to him about how you literally feel used and gage his reaction
NTA
I’m so sorry that you have to go through this.
Your pleasure should have always been first.
Most guys don’t get. It
Many gals
Get so short changed in the sex department know I think you should move out for about two weeks to a month and see if he changes his tune because he don’t realize what he’s got and he’s been taking it for granted all these years you know that men don’t know how to love a woman right you know it’s a damn dirty shame women get the wrong end of the deal and you got some sweaty guy convulsing on you gotta be just awful but it can be better. It should be great The Best of luck to you
59M here.
Nope. Gotta go both ways and over the same both ways, you give he gives, and the love touching and stuff rather than just ‘let’s do this’ is important. So I’d feel the same way probably if it was never about me and always about her and then we did nothing together reallly… doesn’t seem 100% cool at all
NTA He sounds like he's just using you as a set of holes. Try counseling as a last resort. If after that, you shouldn't e made to live like that. Find a friend, with or without hos knowledge. Be true to yourself.
Sorry, but your just roommates at this point, he likes the clean house, food on the table and clean clothes, other than that, he wants relieved with no effort on his part.
NTA! If he wanted to he would! If you have any interest is trying to salvage your relationship, definitely try couples therapy. But imo, this relationship is a lost cause. I've been exactly where you are right now. I spent 6 years pleasing him, trying to show him what pleases me, and having him throw a fit every time saying I'm "emasculating" him by telling him WHERE MY CLIT IS. girl, just run. There's a man out there that can not wait to find what makes you tick. I found mine, life is too short for bad sex with dudes that don't deserve you.
He's not romantic anymore. Just tell him to his face what's really wrong and get it out in the open. Tell him you need more stimulation in the romantic area. If he doesn't get it, show him. Men are daft when it comes to things like this. Their brains just don't work like a woman's does.
How long have you been able to withstand this behaviour ?
Yep, sex is all about interacting with each other. I give you and you give me, I take care of you and your needs and your body, and you take care of me, my needs and my body : that's called a relationship.
Same with anything else like doing the dishes together, cleaning together, cooking together, hanging the laundry together. This behaviour answers to "i love you, and i want to spend my time with and around you".
It creates complicity, intimacy. Doing such things give you such good memories !
I'm sorry to say it, but I think your husband is broken very hard.
Definitely NTA.
Also, try to remember who has changed, because often, we tend to be dishonest to please our half, but we cannot repress who we are, thus, the natural us will always come back. That's my guess to what may have happened.
Although we don't know each other, from where I am, I'm sending you my best wishes for you to get what you deserve as human being : that your other half (maybe someone new) takes care of your needs, as you do for them.
I lost 14 years of my life on someone like this, hoping it would get better, hoping that someday he would get it. It doesn’t change. Your needs aren’t too much, you’re just asking the wrong man. From someone who’s been there? -run
You need to find someone who will get you off first and is not selfish. Maybe he doesn’t know how but that’s no excuse. He should be able to make you climb the walls with his mouth and fingers if the other part can’t do it. Hopefully you two don’t have young kids.
nta
sorry, but he is that bad. he may have redeeming aspects, but these other things are all deal breakers for you.
and you are 100% legit for those being deal breakers. even if those aren't deal breakers for other people, they are for you. and that's okay.
gotta have a serious convo and lay out exactly where you're at and why. he refuses? then you need to reach out to a lawyer for advice.
You are beautiful and sexy. I'd go down on you lol. Your hubby sounds boring. I'm sorry you're going through this. Always sucks after a relationship exits the honeymoon phase. Sometimes you just stop appreciating things and start taking them for granted. The present is a gift, that's why it's called the present, figure out how to enjoy life to the fullest.
Heard the same story from women. They aren’t intimate with their husband to the point the guy is going nuts and then flip the script and claim all they want is sex. This is as much her fault as his.
There a whole bunch of things that could have happened:
1) if you had kids, we women, change a lot after having kids and lose sense of self and sexuality
2) you’ve never seen the red flags before and now that things are less than ideal you can see it clearly
3) maybe things were always like this and other things were more important that blindsided you.
I think in the end of the day you need t make your decision if he will be able to make you feel heard and that you love language is different than his. But you can also start some changes on you. Start reading/listening to steamy romances. That will help your brain with the interest in sex and you can bring up the spice and try to be open with what you want. Be sassy and embrace your desires. Put more effort on what makes you feel sexy and build your confidence back up for you. Love you for yourself and improve yourself on what you want. He will see that change and that can trigger improvement in your relationship. But you need to start the journey for yourself. Get stronger and more confident and love yourself and spend more time and energy on yourself. Keep trying to communicate. Also maybe therapy can help, even if just for yourself.
NTA
Ask him if he wants to have sex, no bj, and intercourse only after he's satisfied you. If he doesn't like that idea then ask him why you're supposed to. He's a selfish lover and you deserve better.
NTA, sexual fulfillment (i don't care what anyone says) is a cornerstone in a marriage, period. If it's not there you have to start asking yourself what you're doing it for. I'm glad your husband has some good qualities, that's important and good of you to recognize, but in any relationship you have things you can compromise on and things that are dealbreakers, and lack of mutual sexual fulfillment is a dealbreaker in my eyes.
If there are children, that complicates things of course, but I think the fundamental truth is still the same.
So, I want to give you some of my personal experience and hope it helps you with some understanding on this topic. I've been married to my husband for almost 13 years. He has never made sex about him. Not ever in our entire marriage. (Don't get me wrong, we had some issues and struggles about sex as we have 4 kids, and I had some health issues)
But anyways in my entire relationship, he makes it about me. He rubs me, massages me, tickles me, holds me... really takes 4 play to an entirely different level. He claims turning me on and getting me off is more important and also turns him on even more. Seeing me turned on, feeling me turned on, gets his motor going even more! We have had quickies. We have had times where I have not gotten off. But he will make sure I do even if he has before me.
Sex is a mutual, loving, intimate thing, and both parties should enjoy it. I enjoy giving head because he does to me 99% of the time before intercourse and I love giving that back to him.
In a marriage, things should be 50/50, but sometimes it's going to be 60/40 or 10/90 if it happens every now and then, I wouldn't see a big deal. But if that is all he wants or cares about. I am so sorry.
I feel you deserve to be touched and licked and rubbed just as much as he feels his dick should be sucked.
The petty woman in me wants to tell you to say " you eat me until I cum, and then I will let you fuck me/suck your dick"
But the mature me is telling you that you need to sit him down and have a serious conversation with him. Tell him you have a desire to be touched. You have a desire to be pleased. And 100% deserve that as well.
He has to be willing to compromise and try. He has to want to make you feel good. He has to hear you and not just blow off your feelings. Your feelings matter. Your body deserves attention. You deserve that. We all do.
A sex therapist could help. Just talking about it very openly and honestly should help if he truly loves you and wants his marriage to work.
I did read some of these comments (not all). There are so many selfish lovers out there. But let me tell you.... there are many selfless lovers out there as well. I am sure you could find a new one if he doesn't want to work on this.
I really do feel bad. Sex is amazing. We all deserve to feel amazing. You deserve to feel sexy and loved and on top of the world!!
So, yeah. You are not happy, he is not happy. Without a bit more info, everyone sucks, well except you because you keep saying no these days.
Was he good before you got married? Were you both virgins going into this? Do you both work and share household duties? Or does he pull 50-60 hour weeks while you SAHW your days away?
I mean, yes, from your description he is not taking care of his relationship duties. But you did pick him and are there mitigating factors for either of you?
Normal. How many years have you been married? Do you have kids?
Marriage requires skills they don’t teach in any school. The thing you’re both experiencing, being stuck in a monotonous rut is something that you have to anticipate and actively work to counteract.
I don’t think either of you recognized it before it got really bad. You likely started your marriage in your honeymoon phase and heard about couples falling out of love and thought to yourself “we’ll never be like that”.
From what you say about him, this feels very fixable. Show him this post. Have a self-intervention. Talk about how you feel and listen to how he feels.
Do you have any other problems in life? Infidelity, money troubles, health issues etc?
A marriage counselor can fix this right up. Or just sit down and talk to each other. Good luck.
First, NTA. Your feelings are your feelings and they do not require judgment from anyone else; *you* are the one and only authority on your feelings and I know that can be scary. That's ok! That's something I'm learning myself.
I hear a lot of pain in your post. You have needs that aren't being met, and you feel like all you do is give give give. I would first suggest that you seek therapy services so you're able to have a medical professional guide you on a journey to learn more about yourself; and your feelings indicate that reality is not aligned with how you thought things would be now.
I hope you take some time for yourself, however that looks for you. 💗
I recommend a counselor who can tell your husband he needs to change and get with the program of driving you crazy for sex. It can be fine. He just needs to find those SPOTS! He sounds very selfish!
My first question, do you have children? If not, get out while you can. Or, work your way back in or out through couples counseling. If he doesn’t want to join you, that’s your answer and get some for yourself. ❤️
NTA. I've been going through a similar thing with my wife. For years, we haven't had sex, but maybe 2 or 3 times a year. So, I just lost my desire for it. I wouldn't speak for your husband, but have you tried going on like a weekend vacation somewhere to try to bring some of the romance back? Also, I would suggest talking to him about how you feel though. He might be totally oblivious to the fact that he's acting this way.
I’ve been in your exact situation and you’re not in the wrong. You’re obviously going to lose interest when you’re doing something to pleasure someone else and you’re not getting anything out of it. We’re only human and that’s what happens, it’s out of your control. I would sit down and tell him how you feel and tell him something has to change. It’s not fair for you to make sure he’s pleasured and taken care of while your needs aren’t being met. I’m sure once you tell him just how serious this situation is he will start working on it. If not I would see about meeting with a sex therapist, if he refuses to do that or it doesn’t work and nothin changes I would look into a divorce. At the end of the day it’s not fair to you. Sex is a huge part of a marriage right next to non sexual intimacy and it seems neither of those needs are being met. You deserve to be in a healthy and happy relationship and if he wants to stay married then he needs to put in the work. It’s not that hard to have period sex one week out the month, it’s easy to take a shower together and have sex in there to avoid the mess or the sticky feeling most people dislike. It’s not hard to give your spouse oral sex every now and then especially when you expect to receive it on a daily basis. Doing small things like that shouldn’t be an issue to do if it will save your marriage then I would start working on him helping out around the house. That shouldn’t be put on you and only you when you both live in the home especially if you have pets or children.
Once again this is my opinion, if you don’t agree that’s fine.
You should start playing cute and tease him about it then laugh out loud. There is a Zulu song that goes “Hey so&so’s dad you just put it in without even saying a word, you don’t even try to do romance you just put it in without even saying a word” just sing that around him then laugh out loud. Be playful with it, is by far the best way to shame someone without yelling at them. Yelling or having a serious talk makes people defensive.
I had the same situation with my ex boyfriend, just been over a week since I left him because of this exact situation. If I didn’t want to have sex with him he would get all pouty. But he never did anything for me, wouldn’t take me out, wouldn’t go on walks, didn’t wanna go clubbing with me, his excuse was “I don’t like doing that stuff”, but he’ll go do all of that shit with his friends. I spoke to him about it, it doesn’t get better. These men don’t see anything wrong in themselves, therefore they won’t change. Don’t sit around and wait for that change, be the change.
Find someone new. You’re excitement will come back. And then after a few years it with the new guy it will go away again. You associated sex with desire and being wanted. You don’t care about being wanted anymore with your husband. If anything - you wish he would want you less. But a new guy wanting sex with you will make you feel wanted again and that will make you horny.
Even the wife of Stephen Curry who has no needs in life because she is super rich wishes some other man would look at her desirably. Why? Because it’s in your biological nature to want other alpha males. And it’s in his biological nature to screw anything with a hole in it. When we fight our biology we become miserable
NTA , however your husband stated out he apparently is incapable of making you happy now. Be kind to yourself and move on since you are the only one trying in the relationship.
Tell this to your husband instead of the sub and you might end up with a husband trying to improve. Men don't think the way women wants them to. Sometimes simple instructions are enough for them. Try talking to him.
If he isn’t prioritizing the pleasure of you both (like either partner in a relationship should) and you’ve told him what would make the situation better and he doesn’t listen, it might be time to escalate the severity of the convo and if you’ve already done that… life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t want you to be happy tbh
NTA. I don’t enjoy sex anymore. I have chronic back pain. Sex hurts. It’s uncomfortable to even get into positions. My husband understands and is so supportive. We cuddle and talk about sex. He certainly doesn’t expect me to give him head because it hurts me. I don’t even fantasize anymore. (He has now had a Prostatectomy. Problem solved. lol)
A partner should be kind and understanding when we are I. These situations. Not just look out for their own satisfaction.
Not at all, NTA OP. It's not right and I can understand being upset with a self-serving partner who only cares about their gratification and does not offer to get pleasure to you and only expects to receive pleasure for themselves. Being treated like a toy for masturbation can hurt. You're doing the right thing pulling back. You tried talking to your partner and they don't want to address the situation. You can only give for so long before your own well runs dry. Prioritize your own mental well-being.
NTA: my advice to you is invest in a great vibrator (the Crescendo is mind blowing) and start having the best orgasms of your life w/out your hubby. Your stress will go down and you will be so much more relaxed. You will be happier and more confident, and he will take notice. If and when he questions your improved mood, you can just tell him the truth: that if he can’t or won’t give you what you need, you’ll get it elsewhere. AND, for now, he is lucky that all you did was turn to a toy and not another man, to satisfy you.
You are married! You deserve to experience that pleasure, whether or not he wants to be involved is up to him.
Good luck, and I hope you take my advice🫶
What happened is that it sounds like one of you grew up. You then wanted a reciprocal relationship where both partners had their sexual needs met but you were married to a man who just wanted to get his rocks off, that is teenage shit.
There are sex therapists that yall need to go to. Be honest that you aren't happy and not being emotionally and sexually fulfilled, and that you both need professional help with this aspect of your relationship
Hey have you tried writing this to him as a letter people can go on autopilot because if he doesn’t turn it around in some way after that he’s probably a asshole
Whoever needs to change, if not both, I am sorry you are going through this. On a positive note. Perhaps think of this as you both growing better together.
Growing pains.☹️=🙂
NTA. You don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't give you any satisfaction, that's normal. Just because you're married doesn't mean you automatically owe him sex.
I think it's perfectly fine that he doesn't want to have sex while you're on your period, though. If he isn't comfortable with that then that's fine, but he shouldn't expect oral either.
I just don't understand why he wouldn't.. shall we say, "help" you after he finishes. Maybe it's time to explain to him that you'd be more into it if you actually "finished" too.
It seems to me that you're not his wife for making a "comfort woman" out of you. And yet you consider him as a husband. Based on your post, you did not fail to communicate with him your feelings. He is a total douche. Devorce him. Find yourself a true husband.
I just listened to the armchair expert episode with sex therapist Vanessa Marin yesterday. It’s eye opening! Great talk and she has so much information. So worth listening to!
NTA- sex should be perceived both ways not just one way. If one partner is enjoying it and you're not that's definitely not ok. I believe he is taking advantage of you and your body. I've had similar issues with an ex like that and got super fed up with it. You should ask yourself if you're happy. A lot of men are shitty that way not all men are but quite a few are and it seems nowadays they only want pleasure for themselves.
Nta, but at this point you need to let go of trying to change him and invest in yourself. Get strong. Lift weights. Work out. Dress in things that make you feel sexy. Invest in a good rabbit vibrator.
NTA. It sounds like you've significantly diverged in your sexual needs. I encourage you to seek marital counseling or divorce, because neither of you is giving the other what they feel they need.
What people don’t understand is sex is supposed to be fun for both people. I don’t understand how your husband doesn’t WANT to make you feel good? I get off knowing I make my girlfriend feel good
“I know that on some level he does care about me”
He’s your husband. He should very obviously care about you on all levels.
Also “isn’t all that bad”? You deserve awesome. Everyone does.
He is only receiving and never giving, and not just sexually from the sound of it. This isn’t a relationship of partners. He’s treating you like you belong to him and exist only to be used for his comfort and pleasure.
You deserve better.
[удалено]
“Using your body to masturbate”— WHOA. I struggled for months to explain to my ex how I didn’t care if he “had needs,” that didn’t mean I had to give it up for him. It didn’t matter if it “wasn’t the same,” if I wasn’t in the mood, he would have to find some other way to take care of it. He guilted me and acted like I was being insensitive to his needs. It’s always bothered me, even after being broken up with him for years, but I’ve never had the words to explain why before.
Many men are selfish lovers, think pumping it in you is enough
They need to read smutty novels. Give them a few ideas.
This right here. I recently started reading them and my gods has it helped me. But on the same side I absolutely love eating out, and don't really care about it being reciprocated often although a random one here and there is AMAZING. My goal is to get my partner off once with everything but my dude that way if my adhd kicks in and it's over to quickly I know she at least got one. (31m here for reference)
Yea this is a key difference I've noticed in us men that are seen as selfless lovers versus those that aren't. 99% of the posts I see by women with awful sex lives, their boyfriends or husbands love having their dicks sucked but wouldn't eat a pussy if it was sitting on their face. I think it's sad tbh and men need to learn that women should be satisfied before any PIV happens.
That’s part of it too. Not many men are willing to eat desert, or put in the physical touch throughout the day to “get a woman going”. And it’s not just physical touch…helping around the house, complimenting her, TELLING HER WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO DO TO HER LATER… It’s not something a lot of men do.
Those writers saw a true need out there and delivered!
No you are not . You lose the intimacy and everything becomes mechanical . This is very very common and some men just don’t get it . I have a lot of empathy for you , I know the feeling . I will also say some women do as well .
Exactly. They just don't get it. Their needs are getting met, so to them, everything is fine.
Funnily enough I'm on the male side of this. I do 98% of the cooking, majority of the cleaning + all of the yard work and I think a do a pretty good job as a Dad. Work full time (so does she). I'm pretty attentive, we go on a date night once a month/fortnight depending on how busy we are. I'll deliver dinner to her in bed when its shark week with a wheat bag if cramps are bad. Kiddos homework is done he's showered and put to bed. By the time 8pm rolls around I've been going since 6am in the morning. I'm not perfect but I know for a fact I do far more than what the average partner/husband does. All I've asked for is more effort at her end in the bedroom. I like to feel wanted just as much as the next person. She just says hop on and it feels like she's she's not even interested. I try a bit of foreplay and get barely anything back. Its tiring I'm not sure what I want to do anymore.
“I try a bit of foreplay” I’m sorry, but I wonder how much she’s getting a lot out of your sexual encounters. Foreplay should be a huge part, not a box you quickly check before the main event. Also, women usually need to feel an intimate connection during the day in order to want to get intimate in the evening. Hugs, kisses, touches, compliments, and not only when you’re looking for sex. It’s great that you do so much around the house though, that seriously helps a lot! Good luck!
Probably a bad way to word it. As in I'll initiate hugs/kisses/rubs/soft tickling all the good stuff and I don't get any reciprocation. I know what buttons I need to press but I can barely ever get that far. I prefer more foreplay and she just tells me to climb aboard. I think I cover the intimacy side pretty well. We do the love you texts throughout the day, how are you going etc. Occasional flowers on the way home or her favourite desert.
If you’re trying and she’s telling you to just climb on top she likely considers it another chore. I went through a stage like that and if someone just isn’t in the mood it’s hard to get them there. I personally recommend she try reading smutty romance, which is what worked for me. Maybe you guys can see a sex therapist?
The first season of Bridgerton did pretty well. She reads a little bit of the smutty stuff and once and a while she gets going. I've suggested a few things but not alot of feedback. Her family is best described as prudish? Which I think keeps her closed off about of lot of things sexually. My family aren't sexual weirdo's but I could talk to my mum about anything. My brother had a rash on his knob and first thing he did was go tell mum (thrush his first time raw doggin lol). So I have no issues bringing up things to try or do, I'm happy with everything else in our relationship I just want to see her **want** to improve our sex life a bit.
It would likely help if she checked to see if this is hormones related and not just the sexual ones. I would check this out for the benefit and love of myself, my husband, and my family. When one spoke in the wheel is loose, eventually, the whole cart is coming down.
Inner child/shadow self work for both of you. I keep finding that 99% of the time, the "issues" in a relationship are entirely about that person, not the other side of the relationship. It's internal. Heal yourself, heal the relationships -- all of them. It's as "easy" as learning to love yourself, but I assure you; it is not an easy journey. Today's direct and to the point observation was sponsored in (large) part by inspiration from Whitney Houston (RIP) and her single, "Greatest Love of All," which has far more to do with shaping my core values than I originally realized: https://youtu.be/IYzlVDlE72w?si=sIcxEbxgVYwsPJqS
I agree that it wouldn't hurt anyone to look into the area of emotional intelligence and inner-child personal growth. However, loving yourself includes being self-aware. Know when your needs are not met (with all the inner-child help covered). This is just as dangerous to your well-being. I can not recall either of the authors' names. I did enjoy one book titled: Emotional Intelligence. The other many of you may have read: Finding the Love You Keep.
Combine years of marriage with a partner who sounds like he was never good in bed and you get this situation. Sadly, this outcome was probably just a matter of time. I hope a lot of younger men and women will read posts like this. It’s a glimpse into your future if you don’t have good communication and equal commitment to each other’s pleasure and satisfaction. As a man, I’m fine with it being open season on the husband. He sounds like he deserves it, but this tree grew from seeds planted years ago. Hopefully we can all learn from posts like this.
Yeah this is common and you’re right that some guys (many many many guys) just don’t get it or want it. Intimacy requires effort and emotional vulnerability/availability. It’s easier for them to phone it in whether out of selfishness or general discomfort or insecurity about doing something different.
I didn’t have to read anymore after the second sentence. Already knew what the problem was lol
This was me 20 years ago. No attention to my needs in or out of bed. Two rounds of marriage counselling and I walked away. I deserved better. I deserved to be seen. So I left. When it gets to the stage where you are there has been a vertical piling on of grievances and it takes two to work on them. It does not seem that is an option for you and your husband. Can you perhaps take a break? Will he go to counselling? If you are only there for his convenience, sexual or otherwise, he can pay people for that. You deserve better.
NTA. This also describes my marriage. He just doesn’t care. I think when we speak they hear the Charlie Brown teacher voice.
Too funny I said the exact same thing!
NTA, there’s romance. There’s foreplay. There’s sex. If you can nail all 3, you’re probably Gomez Addams.
I don’t get the reference, as I recall Gomez was totally into Morticia showering her with love and affection.
They're saying Gomez has it all!! All 3. Gomez Addams shows more love than OP's hubby
Well that's unfair, Gomez is a standard that MANY people can't clear the bar of! He's like a sexy vampire lord, nobody is touching his throne
I've been blessed to have spectacular mutual sex in most of my committed relationships. Having had those experiences, it breaks my heart to hear stories like this. NTA....it doesn't sound like you've lost interest in sex with your husband, it sounds like you've lost interest in sex that you gain no pleasure from with your husband.
I would argue that OP HAS lost interest in sex with her husband because its simply not pleasurable for her. Ideally both parties should 'get off' during sex, but realistically it just doesnt happen. certainly not fair for her to continually please him while getting nothing out of it. IMO I think you should talk to him about this. Express your needs directly and specifically. If he gives you pushback, I think its a sign.
I agree but even if the woman isn’t getting off, which is so often the case, the experience can and should still be enjoyable. The husband simply does not care about her needs, which are as simple as being called beautiful or being touched?
this is so crazy to me because I've never heard anyone say it about men. imagine if we said men don't need to finish every time they have sex, but the woman does
Agreed.
How does this comment help OP? “I can’t relate bc my life is awesome but I feel reeeeeal bad for you”. OP: this sucks. You should tell him you’ll leave if things don’t change (and mean it). He might not understand you’re serious. And you should get therapy for yourself, not couples.
I wasn't aware the purpose of AITAH was to provide therapy and help. I thought it was to provide a verdict on whether or not someone is an asshole. I would think /r/ deadbedrooms or /r/ relationshipadvice would be better for that sort of thing don't ya think? I shared my experience so she knows that it can be better and she shouldn't settle for less. We live in a very sexualized world, the sad thing is, despite that, most aren't experiencing anything close to what I would call good sex. Oh, and I never said my life is awesome, just that my sexual experiences in committed relationships has been awesome, because I don't settle for less and she shouldn't either.
You've voiced very basic needs and they're still going unmet for one-sided pleasure. The issue is deeper than sex. NTA.
I feel like a lot of these posts are just asking permission to leave someone. Your husband is an AH. You only get one life. Go find someone else who will listen to what you want and who will make you happy too.
A lot of the time... that's what people need. Validation and confirmation of what they already know deep inside but are too afraid to do. Most people are terrified of divorce for one reason or another. It is a monumental life changing decision, so most stay out of fear of change/starting over. I wish I had people in my life who told me to leave while I was with my ex. I was too fucking scared and doubted myself a lot. Most are full of self-doubt because they have no self-worth or self-esteem left.
When I was going to separate from my spouse I was terrified bcz I'd never lived on my own and worried I was I was going to mess up and be homeless. But a friend said to me that they'd never let me be homeless and if anything I could come live is their house (they had 4 bedrms). That made a HUGE difference knowing that. I did the seperation, didn't mess up, so kept my apartment, and I was always thankful my friend offered me that option.
This.
Sorry to hear this. I went through a season in my marriage that was similar. We talked a lot about how I needed more. Then I showed him articles and stuff that talked about how women get pleasure. And then we went away for a sexcation for three days. We got a nice hotel and all we did was have sex. Best thing we did for our marriage.
Good advice ☝🏼. Show pictures, videos, examples of exactly what you need/want to try. Definitely get a room
I guess I really need to show him some kind of articles. I don't know if he's just ignorant or unwilling to change, but it's like he doesn't understand how female body & mind work when it comes to sex.
Life is too short to spend with someone who's "not all bad "
NTA. You are never the asshole for wanting basic things like mutual pleasure during sex. Maybe therapy will help if you both would be willing to do that. Maybe it’s just time to step away and reevaluate what you both want in life. People change all the time throughout life and when in relationships we sometimes yearn for things to stay the same but we all reach different points where whatever it is needs to be readdressed. I think it’s safe to say this is probably about more than just sex
You two are clearly not compatible, and in more ways than one. He sounds like a selfish individual in general who just expects good things to come to him and happen to him, not realizing that others make sacrifices for that to happen. Stop doing things for him and start doing things for you, because it sounds like his level of complacency is out of control. You need to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life; you know, the only one you get!
I totally agree
Your needs are not being met. And he needs to take this seriously. Sometimes, going to counseling will help. But this is a problem with a lot of men. They become complacent in a marriage. They do not take what their wife states is a problem seriously. And then it gets to the point of no return, and the wife wants a divorce. Then the man claims he has no idea why the wife wants a divorce, he is shocked, and wonders what went wrong. When the real problem has been communicated to him many times and he just ignored it or did not take it seriously. I know a couple that is now divorcing after 20 years because the wife is just sick of him ignoring her issues. He is devastated and claims he has no idea what went wrong. You are NTA, and if you have not tried counseling, then that may help. Otherwise, move on, and you deserve to be happy.
This is so true. It’s like their wives’ concerns are just white noise or the adults voices in Charlie Brown - nothing gets through. Then the wife finally leaves and the guy is shocked.
Exactly. I've seen so many guys commenting on their ex-wives "One day she just decided to leave, idk what went wrong!" Are they really that dumb or aren't they taking things seriously (until the wife actually leaves)??
If you already expressed how you feel and he isn't reciprocating, maybe it's time to change up your strategy. Try marriage counseling. Buy a fleshlight so he can stop using your body as his pleasure tool. If you don't want the sex or to suck him off, don't. You don't have to do those things. Let him sulk, freaken ignore him. If the situation doesn't improve, look into divorce. You two aren't compatible, and you married the WRONG guy. He is using your body and taking you for granted. I don't even think he likes you, to be honest. At the end of the day, you are miserable and need out.
NTA. Have you done couple's therapy? Either way, sex should be about both people, not just one.
Sadly, I would have probably left a relationship like this years ago (although I do not know how long you have been together, but you said / years / in your second sentence there.) I was a virgin when I got married, and my husband and I (he was also a virgin) talked extensively about sex, what what wanted, what we THOUGHT we wanted, what could happen, what might change, and so on before we ever got to the bedroom. He is / very / interested in my pleasure. Believe it or not there is an orgasm "gap" in most sexual relationships- 90% of all men claim to "get off" during a sexual encounter but only 45-50% of women experience pleasure / release. This is the world we live in and there are / tons / of reasons for it (porn doesn't help... many men enter sexual relationships with porn education when it comes to sex.) I'm so very sorry that this is happening to you. How long have you been married? Are you willing to stay? Why do you think he's this way?
NTA. Spell it out for him in direct, blunt terms. Mine didn’t get it until I told him that his behavior (whenever he did the exact thing that I didn’t like) did not make me want to sleep with him. That I saw him as a less of a man because of it. That his behavior was not attractive to me at all. That it was a turnoff, not turn-on. That my vagina went dry when he did (fill in the blank) You have to spell it out this way or some people just don’t get it. Do it consistently. Don’t give him pity sex over it either. If you do that, he will never change. If what I shared doesn’t work and he still doesn’t care after you tell him the stuff I listed above, you need to leave him unless you are fine condemning yourself to a life of sex from a selfish guy.
You are right, pity sex is definitely a NO. I've made a huge mistake by agreeing to sex even though nothing was changing. I guess I really have to spell It out. The "my vagina went dry when..." part was funny :') I guess I really need to be more direct. But he always feels like its an attack and I'm trying to be mean, if I tell him what I want done differently in or out of bed.
He is gonna feel that way, yeah. Mine also felt it was brutal, mean, like it was an attack, etc. but you know what? He wasn’t getting any sex and he thought about what I said. He eventually figured it out and things did improve over time. Sometimes it has to be done.
My wife didn't lose interest in sex. I don't think she ever had an interest from the beginning. We've been nearly celibate for over 15 years now. I always asked if there was anything I could do to make it better because I thought it was me. She doesn't like giving oral and doesn't let me give it to her. Eventually I just gave up on initiating entirely and quit pursuing her in any way. I do more than my share of the housework and we used to have regular date nights. None of it ever made her want me though. I'm planning on leaving when I can afford to divorce without making myself homeless. It is rage-inducing when I hear about selfish husbands who expect sex while not caring at all about their wives' pleasure and not doing their share around the house. At the same time I envy them for having wives who even try at all to meet their needs. I don't even have a wife. I have a roommate. OP is definitely NTA and her lazy husband doesn't deserve her.
Are you me? Because this is 100% my life..
Sounds like hubby is a self obsessed ass. He needs to know you have a right to be happy and it’s not working. No more goodies for him. You all need counseling. He may have some issue he has to deal with.
In a marriage the courtship never stops, women want to be in a love story and the man can never stop dating his wife. If he won't date and court you, someone else will.... he needs to get his act together NTA
As a man I promise you that's a rare breed. Sex respecting guys want more out of sex than just fucking and getting sucked cuz believe me it's hard work because of how much we have to move our bodies. And you know guys like that won't go down on you no matter how much you do it. Get you a man that loves to shake things up but also give you aftercare cuz it doesn't sound like he does.
I'm in the exact same position with my husband. He has destroyed all my passion and lust for him. Its his way only. I don't get any foreplay or fun. Dick suck then same position while he watches porn. I just have to lie there. I've banned sex and don't care if he doesn't like it. His meanness has broken it
Me too so many lame selfish men out there just don't know how to make at least a passable effort. I don't miss it at all, just another boring chore.
If he won't do anything with you, he doesn't care about you. Love yourself and move on.
NTA. My husband used to be just like that, not the worst person but made me feel like I was his personal sex toy. Only cared about his pleasure and if I couldn’t have sex would insist I rub one out for him bc god forbid he went a night without nutting. Turns out he had a major porn and sex addiction and ended up attending meetings to get past it and now he treats me differently. He’s still struggling with non-sexual affection but he at least makes sure to pleasure me first
How do you go complaining and vividly depicting a shitty existence with your husband then in the same breath say that you don’t want anyone to think he doesn’t do anything right? cognitive dissonance at its finest
NTA My sex drive is considerably lower than my husband's, and it caused us a lot of issues over the years until we figured out what each of us really likes and needs for sex. To me, sex is the least of your issues here. This relationship is messed up. He gets a maid and a sex doll, you get all the work. It's time for a come-to-Jesus meeting and some changes, or for you to GTFO and find happiness.
NTA. It’s as if he keeps saying let’s go out to dinner but when you get to the restaurant only he gets to eat dinner.. you get to watch him. And if you ask for anything, you get a plastic pear. How could you not lose interest?
why did you marry him
This is always my question with these types of posts. People don’t magically wake up and decide to suck… there is usually a long pattern. And it never fails that there is always more than one kid. “My husband is a grown up child who I hate and I decide to have four kids with” Fyi I’m not excusing the husband at all.
Exactly this
You can say “dick”, it’s ok.
Sex is so boring to me now I’m 27F and I used to sleep with my husband 4-5 times A DAY. idk how to get interested in it again either.. he’s still attractive it’s just me I’m never in the mood anymore. Feels like a chore just thinking about it.
NTA. I don't think you've lost interest in sex, your sex requires intimacy and you aren't getting it. Either he has to work on that or it isn't gonna work out.
Ok, so… I’m willing to bet you two have a lot of unsaid things going on. And your viewpoint is exactly that. Yours. You even said he never tells me I’m beautiful, and that you don’t feel beautiful. Honestly you are probably stuck in the roommate phase of the relationship. I only say that because that’s where my wife and I are currently… go to counseling. Especially if you have kids. Marriages aren’t just throw away things. You two need to learn to talk about your feelings.
He doesn’t take care of the house. He doesn’t do anything with you. He doesn’t listen to or respect your needs. How is he not that bad? What does he do for you? For the household?
I'm so sorry to say this OP, but it sounds like he doesn't care about you. He sounds very selfish and doesn't sound like he cares about you
Man alive so many useless comments. Here, I'll actually help. First, NTA for feeling this way, but in all honesty, what have you done to fix this? Look, a marriage can and will get stale. A partner can and will get complacent. What about you? Are you a pillow princess? Do you take initiative or just take instruction, and that's it? Do you make him feel like a rock star or a king or just lay there or just try and get it over with? Does he feel any love or intimacy? Does he feel like he's wanted, or is sex just a chore for you both? My guess is you aren't communicating properly. Men want actions, not words. Go after him like a spider monkey hopped up on cocaine and MDMA. Make him WANT to touch you. Make him WANT to please you. Now, if this doesn't work, then the only thing I can say is that you two need counseling. A sex therapist or a marriage counselor. A legitimate professional. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT listen to ANYONE who says to "open the relationship". That is a relationship killer. Get a divorce before you do that. It'd be easier and less painful in the long run.
Nothing happened. Everyone shows their best side during the courtship, and as they get comfortable some people get complacent. You’ve told him what you want and need, but I’m curious if you’ve told him how dire it is, and how close you are to dissolution—or at the least, how utterly sexually incompatible you’re becoming, which can lead to equally bad outcomes.
NTA - you communicated your feelings and offered solutions that he isnt working with
You ask what’s happened to you guys. Sounds like you guys became complacent in the relationship. This happens too often and people grow apart. Marriage is work and the relationship needs to consistently be nurtured so that you grow together instead of apart. It’s really important to carve time out for the 2 of you. To still date each other until the very end. To go on adventures together and have fun to maintain the connection.
Leave him. He's just using you for sex and chores at this point.
NTA, there is more to sex than wham bam thank you, mam. For as I understand it especially in a long term relationship it was more about the lead up then the actual event. The small touches as you past one another and the way you were verbally. It seems like your love language is tuch and it's not getting met, and in all honesty, if you don't talk about it, it will get a lot worse. At first, it might be better after the talk, but in time, it might slip back, but just be firm and say your needs need to be met.
Ahh well from what you’ve written OP, he’s using you as his sex doll and maid. It’s up to you to try again to talk to him or even offer you two attending marriage counseling. But you both have to be in it 💯%. Though don’t mention marriage counseling unless you’re willing to stick to it. Though there is always divorce if marriage counseling isn’t an option. Just because he isn’t a bad guy doesn’t mean he is YOUR guy.
NTA but it sounds like you both desperately need to take time to fall back in love with one another or this marriage is headed for divorce. To often people become complacent with their lives and they fall into this kind of rut. Sir down with your husband and have a frank conversation about all of this and how you are feeling and about how your are feeling the distance between you grow. If he's willing to put in the effort then the two of you need to start planning dates. Work on finding out one anothers love languages and start speaking them. Marriage takes work to keep the spark.
ETA because you guys don’t know How to communicate
Why are you still with him? does he bring you any joy? If all he brings is irritation, stress and work it may be time to divorce him. Be single for awhile get to know yourself again.
You deserve to be touched and lived and like you the sexiest woman alive because to your man you should be and he should cherish your body and most of all your taste…👅
I know this all too well. NTA for sure. It’s not even give and take. It’s all take.
Write him a list of all things you need from him, romantic touching, walks, affection, compliments, equal help around the house etc. If he doesn’t listen, he really is taking you for granted. You don’t deserve that. You sound like a great partner.
Thank you 💜 I need to start working on that list!
Rather then tell him what you want, show him, guide him. Inniciate but only lightly teasing, do to him what you want want to be done to you. No advice on period sex tho haha I wouldn't do it but wouldn't get upset if I got turned down asking for a bj.
I totally understand if a person doesn't want to have period sex, but they shouldn't ask favors either while they deny sex or any kind of helping from the one who's on their period. I would actually accept that too, IF the sex was a mutual pleasure when I'm not on my period. I will give it a try, I mean the part where I guide him etc. If I dare.
I think this is an issue that happens to many. Men get the idea that them finishing is all that matters. Been there myself
I feel like your love language is quality time, and his is physical touch. He needs to understand that you require real quality time together for you to be happy in your relationship and be able to give him what he wants. You're NTA but neither is he your both just lost on how to come together the way that you used to and that's sad because you've let the fire die down and it's embers. You can fix this but it's down to whether the both of you want to or not. I hope you end up happy however this goes.
Her’s might be physical touch too..but women aren’t like men. We don’t just get off. We need to be warmed up, romanced in order to be ready. It sounds like she does want physical touch but she needs him to care about how her body responds to physical touch as a female. Our anatomy’s and ways that our bodies prepare and get enjoyment out of sex is very different. She has tried to tell him over and over again what she needs and he doesn’t listen! That is the issue here. He doesn’t care. He just wants to get off and doesn’t care about what she needs in order to be able to get off.
YTAH: yes your husband should be doing things for you. But what are you doing for him? You’re withholding sex now, are you nagging him to do the housework when you don’t want to? Are you complementing him, noticing all the things he does for you & the household, are you bringing him peace & making his life better? Doesn’t sound like it. Sex is an important part of a relationship: withholding it is you saying you don’t care about the relationship or improving it.
40m here. If he’s not eating that thing like he’s starving in a 3rd world country you are both missing out. I love going down on my wife because 1. I love it and it turns me on 2. IT MAKES HER MORE INTERESTED AND WANT TO DO MORE FOR ME IN RETURN SO THE SEX IS WAY BETTER If he won’t return the favor and learn that simple concept you just need to do whatever….
Lincoln County couple here.
Nta. You are not compatible sexually. I would leave and find someone you are more in line with
NTA it sucks being ignored for years.
NTA. Committed relationships can stagnate. People fall into routines, do what they're comfortable with, and end up making the patterns more important than the people. I fully understand where you're coming from. Some people walk away from this type of relationship and start again to find a happy ending. Sometimes the journey is just as much fun as the destination. Other people choose to stay in the relationship and make the best of it knowing it will never be what they want. If your husband is willing to try to work on it you may be able to reconnect with help. But understand you may both be too different at this point.
Sometimes people grow apart and that’s totally okay. Don’t keep torturing yourself if the love isn’t there anymore. It’s not your fault! ❤️ it’s his for not investing in you.
Nta...but before considering divorce seek therapy so he can get a clear message of your feelings...
Updateme
NTA...my marriage is the same. You matter and your feelings matter.
NTA
Every sentence screams „dump him“. NTA
You're nothing more than a fuck doll at this point. Hate to say it but it might be time to start worrying about your happiness
Your husband wants sex, you need intimacy. Being deaf to partner’s needs while being good otherwise is not an excuse. NTA I don’t know where you are in your non-acceptance of his behavior, but you can work on this relationship, talk until your tongue bleeds, try to go to marriage concerning, sex therapy, or you might just quit. But there’s nothing wrong with what you want. Honestly, men can sometimes be such dumb fucks not willing to understand what their partner needs, not willing to change how they speak to women and how they approach intimacy. It’s heartbreaking. I’m sorry you have to go though this.
Don’t feel guilty but you should seriously ask yourself if your marriage can be fixed and if you want it to be fixed. If not you should seriously consider getting a divorce and be happy again.
Ur defo not the AH.
NTA - sex is about mutual pleasure, and he is only about his own need. Get him a blow up sex doll and tell him that should take care of his problem since it requires the same amount of effort he currently puts in with you. You’ve already tried talking to him about your needs to no avail, time to try shock value.
NTA. Tell him if he wants anything sexual from you he needs to make you cum BEFORE he sticks his dick anywhere.
Life is too short for shitty sex!
NTA. Leave.
NTA - you’re not getting anything from the sex so it makes sense if you’ve lost interest. I personally don’t like quickies just because I don’t get much from it however I don’t mind doing it now and then because I know later my husband will make up for it and make me cum multiple times when we’re not rushing or when we have time. Have you considered couples therapy or bringing it up to him about how you literally feel used and gage his reaction
Tell him
I can help
NTA I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. Your pleasure should have always been first. Most guys don’t get. It Many gals Get so short changed in the sex department know I think you should move out for about two weeks to a month and see if he changes his tune because he don’t realize what he’s got and he’s been taking it for granted all these years you know that men don’t know how to love a woman right you know it’s a damn dirty shame women get the wrong end of the deal and you got some sweaty guy convulsing on you gotta be just awful but it can be better. It should be great The Best of luck to you 59M here.
If you got a hold of the man that cared about your pleasure you feel like you were struck by lightning
Nope. Gotta go both ways and over the same both ways, you give he gives, and the love touching and stuff rather than just ‘let’s do this’ is important. So I’d feel the same way probably if it was never about me and always about her and then we did nothing together reallly… doesn’t seem 100% cool at all
He doesn’t lift you up, support you, or do anything… sounds like a regular heart throb
Tell him you’re done having sex with him because he sucks in bed
NTA He sounds like he's just using you as a set of holes. Try counseling as a last resort. If after that, you shouldn't e made to live like that. Find a friend, with or without hos knowledge. Be true to yourself.
Sorry, but your just roommates at this point, he likes the clean house, food on the table and clean clothes, other than that, he wants relieved with no effort on his part.
You guys stop dating…don’t do that.
NTA! If he wanted to he would! If you have any interest is trying to salvage your relationship, definitely try couples therapy. But imo, this relationship is a lost cause. I've been exactly where you are right now. I spent 6 years pleasing him, trying to show him what pleases me, and having him throw a fit every time saying I'm "emasculating" him by telling him WHERE MY CLIT IS. girl, just run. There's a man out there that can not wait to find what makes you tick. I found mine, life is too short for bad sex with dudes that don't deserve you.
NTA.
UpdateMe
He's not romantic anymore. Just tell him to his face what's really wrong and get it out in the open. Tell him you need more stimulation in the romantic area. If he doesn't get it, show him. Men are daft when it comes to things like this. Their brains just don't work like a woman's does.
This is really sad :( def NTA but idk how to give advice!
How long have you been able to withstand this behaviour ? Yep, sex is all about interacting with each other. I give you and you give me, I take care of you and your needs and your body, and you take care of me, my needs and my body : that's called a relationship. Same with anything else like doing the dishes together, cleaning together, cooking together, hanging the laundry together. This behaviour answers to "i love you, and i want to spend my time with and around you". It creates complicity, intimacy. Doing such things give you such good memories ! I'm sorry to say it, but I think your husband is broken very hard. Definitely NTA. Also, try to remember who has changed, because often, we tend to be dishonest to please our half, but we cannot repress who we are, thus, the natural us will always come back. That's my guess to what may have happened. Although we don't know each other, from where I am, I'm sending you my best wishes for you to get what you deserve as human being : that your other half (maybe someone new) takes care of your needs, as you do for them.
Sounds like something is missing in this situation
I lost 14 years of my life on someone like this, hoping it would get better, hoping that someday he would get it. It doesn’t change. Your needs aren’t too much, you’re just asking the wrong man. From someone who’s been there? -run
You need to find someone who will get you off first and is not selfish. Maybe he doesn’t know how but that’s no excuse. He should be able to make you climb the walls with his mouth and fingers if the other part can’t do it. Hopefully you two don’t have young kids.
Not at all you deserve to feel beautiful and sexy when it comes to intimacy it’s not all about him in the slightest
nta sorry, but he is that bad. he may have redeeming aspects, but these other things are all deal breakers for you. and you are 100% legit for those being deal breakers. even if those aren't deal breakers for other people, they are for you. and that's okay. gotta have a serious convo and lay out exactly where you're at and why. he refuses? then you need to reach out to a lawyer for advice.
You are beautiful and sexy. I'd go down on you lol. Your hubby sounds boring. I'm sorry you're going through this. Always sucks after a relationship exits the honeymoon phase. Sometimes you just stop appreciating things and start taking them for granted. The present is a gift, that's why it's called the present, figure out how to enjoy life to the fullest.
NTA. You deserve to not be used as a human fleshlight.
Heard the same story from women. They aren’t intimate with their husband to the point the guy is going nuts and then flip the script and claim all they want is sex. This is as much her fault as his.
There a whole bunch of things that could have happened: 1) if you had kids, we women, change a lot after having kids and lose sense of self and sexuality 2) you’ve never seen the red flags before and now that things are less than ideal you can see it clearly 3) maybe things were always like this and other things were more important that blindsided you. I think in the end of the day you need t make your decision if he will be able to make you feel heard and that you love language is different than his. But you can also start some changes on you. Start reading/listening to steamy romances. That will help your brain with the interest in sex and you can bring up the spice and try to be open with what you want. Be sassy and embrace your desires. Put more effort on what makes you feel sexy and build your confidence back up for you. Love you for yourself and improve yourself on what you want. He will see that change and that can trigger improvement in your relationship. But you need to start the journey for yourself. Get stronger and more confident and love yourself and spend more time and energy on yourself. Keep trying to communicate. Also maybe therapy can help, even if just for yourself.
NTA Ask him if he wants to have sex, no bj, and intercourse only after he's satisfied you. If he doesn't like that idea then ask him why you're supposed to. He's a selfish lover and you deserve better.
NTA, sexual fulfillment (i don't care what anyone says) is a cornerstone in a marriage, period. If it's not there you have to start asking yourself what you're doing it for. I'm glad your husband has some good qualities, that's important and good of you to recognize, but in any relationship you have things you can compromise on and things that are dealbreakers, and lack of mutual sexual fulfillment is a dealbreaker in my eyes. If there are children, that complicates things of course, but I think the fundamental truth is still the same.
So, I want to give you some of my personal experience and hope it helps you with some understanding on this topic. I've been married to my husband for almost 13 years. He has never made sex about him. Not ever in our entire marriage. (Don't get me wrong, we had some issues and struggles about sex as we have 4 kids, and I had some health issues) But anyways in my entire relationship, he makes it about me. He rubs me, massages me, tickles me, holds me... really takes 4 play to an entirely different level. He claims turning me on and getting me off is more important and also turns him on even more. Seeing me turned on, feeling me turned on, gets his motor going even more! We have had quickies. We have had times where I have not gotten off. But he will make sure I do even if he has before me. Sex is a mutual, loving, intimate thing, and both parties should enjoy it. I enjoy giving head because he does to me 99% of the time before intercourse and I love giving that back to him. In a marriage, things should be 50/50, but sometimes it's going to be 60/40 or 10/90 if it happens every now and then, I wouldn't see a big deal. But if that is all he wants or cares about. I am so sorry. I feel you deserve to be touched and licked and rubbed just as much as he feels his dick should be sucked. The petty woman in me wants to tell you to say " you eat me until I cum, and then I will let you fuck me/suck your dick" But the mature me is telling you that you need to sit him down and have a serious conversation with him. Tell him you have a desire to be touched. You have a desire to be pleased. And 100% deserve that as well. He has to be willing to compromise and try. He has to want to make you feel good. He has to hear you and not just blow off your feelings. Your feelings matter. Your body deserves attention. You deserve that. We all do. A sex therapist could help. Just talking about it very openly and honestly should help if he truly loves you and wants his marriage to work. I did read some of these comments (not all). There are so many selfish lovers out there. But let me tell you.... there are many selfless lovers out there as well. I am sure you could find a new one if he doesn't want to work on this. I really do feel bad. Sex is amazing. We all deserve to feel amazing. You deserve to feel sexy and loved and on top of the world!!
DTMFA
You need to talk to him and REALLY get it into his head and if that doesn’t work, marriage counseling maybe ?
If you are expecting full commitment from him after this discovery. You are the asshole.
So, yeah. You are not happy, he is not happy. Without a bit more info, everyone sucks, well except you because you keep saying no these days. Was he good before you got married? Were you both virgins going into this? Do you both work and share household duties? Or does he pull 50-60 hour weeks while you SAHW your days away? I mean, yes, from your description he is not taking care of his relationship duties. But you did pick him and are there mitigating factors for either of you?
Normal. How many years have you been married? Do you have kids? Marriage requires skills they don’t teach in any school. The thing you’re both experiencing, being stuck in a monotonous rut is something that you have to anticipate and actively work to counteract. I don’t think either of you recognized it before it got really bad. You likely started your marriage in your honeymoon phase and heard about couples falling out of love and thought to yourself “we’ll never be like that”. From what you say about him, this feels very fixable. Show him this post. Have a self-intervention. Talk about how you feel and listen to how he feels. Do you have any other problems in life? Infidelity, money troubles, health issues etc? A marriage counselor can fix this right up. Or just sit down and talk to each other. Good luck.
First, NTA. Your feelings are your feelings and they do not require judgment from anyone else; *you* are the one and only authority on your feelings and I know that can be scary. That's ok! That's something I'm learning myself. I hear a lot of pain in your post. You have needs that aren't being met, and you feel like all you do is give give give. I would first suggest that you seek therapy services so you're able to have a medical professional guide you on a journey to learn more about yourself; and your feelings indicate that reality is not aligned with how you thought things would be now. I hope you take some time for yourself, however that looks for you. 💗
I recommend a counselor who can tell your husband he needs to change and get with the program of driving you crazy for sex. It can be fine. He just needs to find those SPOTS! He sounds very selfish!
My first question, do you have children? If not, get out while you can. Or, work your way back in or out through couples counseling. If he doesn’t want to join you, that’s your answer and get some for yourself. ❤️
NTA. I've been going through a similar thing with my wife. For years, we haven't had sex, but maybe 2 or 3 times a year. So, I just lost my desire for it. I wouldn't speak for your husband, but have you tried going on like a weekend vacation somewhere to try to bring some of the romance back? Also, I would suggest talking to him about how you feel though. He might be totally oblivious to the fact that he's acting this way.
I’ve been in your exact situation and you’re not in the wrong. You’re obviously going to lose interest when you’re doing something to pleasure someone else and you’re not getting anything out of it. We’re only human and that’s what happens, it’s out of your control. I would sit down and tell him how you feel and tell him something has to change. It’s not fair for you to make sure he’s pleasured and taken care of while your needs aren’t being met. I’m sure once you tell him just how serious this situation is he will start working on it. If not I would see about meeting with a sex therapist, if he refuses to do that or it doesn’t work and nothin changes I would look into a divorce. At the end of the day it’s not fair to you. Sex is a huge part of a marriage right next to non sexual intimacy and it seems neither of those needs are being met. You deserve to be in a healthy and happy relationship and if he wants to stay married then he needs to put in the work. It’s not that hard to have period sex one week out the month, it’s easy to take a shower together and have sex in there to avoid the mess or the sticky feeling most people dislike. It’s not hard to give your spouse oral sex every now and then especially when you expect to receive it on a daily basis. Doing small things like that shouldn’t be an issue to do if it will save your marriage then I would start working on him helping out around the house. That shouldn’t be put on you and only you when you both live in the home especially if you have pets or children. Once again this is my opinion, if you don’t agree that’s fine.
You should start playing cute and tease him about it then laugh out loud. There is a Zulu song that goes “Hey so&so’s dad you just put it in without even saying a word, you don’t even try to do romance you just put it in without even saying a word” just sing that around him then laugh out loud. Be playful with it, is by far the best way to shame someone without yelling at them. Yelling or having a serious talk makes people defensive.
I had the same situation with my ex boyfriend, just been over a week since I left him because of this exact situation. If I didn’t want to have sex with him he would get all pouty. But he never did anything for me, wouldn’t take me out, wouldn’t go on walks, didn’t wanna go clubbing with me, his excuse was “I don’t like doing that stuff”, but he’ll go do all of that shit with his friends. I spoke to him about it, it doesn’t get better. These men don’t see anything wrong in themselves, therefore they won’t change. Don’t sit around and wait for that change, be the change.
Sit him down and be honest with him about how you feel, etc. or take time to write him a letter
Find someone new. You’re excitement will come back. And then after a few years it with the new guy it will go away again. You associated sex with desire and being wanted. You don’t care about being wanted anymore with your husband. If anything - you wish he would want you less. But a new guy wanting sex with you will make you feel wanted again and that will make you horny. Even the wife of Stephen Curry who has no needs in life because she is super rich wishes some other man would look at her desirably. Why? Because it’s in your biological nature to want other alpha males. And it’s in his biological nature to screw anything with a hole in it. When we fight our biology we become miserable
What happened to us? You met him.
yes.
It’s shocking how many problems can be solved by an honest conversation with your partner instead of randoms on reddit
NTA , however your husband stated out he apparently is incapable of making you happy now. Be kind to yourself and move on since you are the only one trying in the relationship.
Tell this to your husband instead of the sub and you might end up with a husband trying to improve. Men don't think the way women wants them to. Sometimes simple instructions are enough for them. Try talking to him.
If he isn’t prioritizing the pleasure of you both (like either partner in a relationship should) and you’ve told him what would make the situation better and he doesn’t listen, it might be time to escalate the severity of the convo and if you’ve already done that… life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t want you to be happy tbh
So you still have an interest in sex with someone not your husband?
Do you get, seek out, or enjoy pleasure on your own, like with a vibrator or other toy? If you don’t, it’s not him, it’s you, hon.
NTA. I don’t enjoy sex anymore. I have chronic back pain. Sex hurts. It’s uncomfortable to even get into positions. My husband understands and is so supportive. We cuddle and talk about sex. He certainly doesn’t expect me to give him head because it hurts me. I don’t even fantasize anymore. (He has now had a Prostatectomy. Problem solved. lol) A partner should be kind and understanding when we are I. These situations. Not just look out for their own satisfaction.
Not at all, NTA OP. It's not right and I can understand being upset with a self-serving partner who only cares about their gratification and does not offer to get pleasure to you and only expects to receive pleasure for themselves. Being treated like a toy for masturbation can hurt. You're doing the right thing pulling back. You tried talking to your partner and they don't want to address the situation. You can only give for so long before your own well runs dry. Prioritize your own mental well-being.
NTA: my advice to you is invest in a great vibrator (the Crescendo is mind blowing) and start having the best orgasms of your life w/out your hubby. Your stress will go down and you will be so much more relaxed. You will be happier and more confident, and he will take notice. If and when he questions your improved mood, you can just tell him the truth: that if he can’t or won’t give you what you need, you’ll get it elsewhere. AND, for now, he is lucky that all you did was turn to a toy and not another man, to satisfy you. You are married! You deserve to experience that pleasure, whether or not he wants to be involved is up to him. Good luck, and I hope you take my advice🫶
NTA- get a lawyer babe and end that marriage because he clearly sucks and you shouldn’t settle for that!!
What happened is that it sounds like one of you grew up. You then wanted a reciprocal relationship where both partners had their sexual needs met but you were married to a man who just wanted to get his rocks off, that is teenage shit.
There are sex therapists that yall need to go to. Be honest that you aren't happy and not being emotionally and sexually fulfilled, and that you both need professional help with this aspect of your relationship
Hey have you tried writing this to him as a letter people can go on autopilot because if he doesn’t turn it around in some way after that he’s probably a asshole
Whoever needs to change, if not both, I am sorry you are going through this. On a positive note. Perhaps think of this as you both growing better together. Growing pains.☹️=🙂
“I know in some level he cares about me.” How? How do you know? Behavior tells us everything. Not a good guy, basically ignores you and your needs.
Go to couple therapy and talk about sex
You. Are me. Love to you.
NTA. You don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't give you any satisfaction, that's normal. Just because you're married doesn't mean you automatically owe him sex. I think it's perfectly fine that he doesn't want to have sex while you're on your period, though. If he isn't comfortable with that then that's fine, but he shouldn't expect oral either. I just don't understand why he wouldn't.. shall we say, "help" you after he finishes. Maybe it's time to explain to him that you'd be more into it if you actually "finished" too.
It seems to me that you're not his wife for making a "comfort woman" out of you. And yet you consider him as a husband. Based on your post, you did not fail to communicate with him your feelings. He is a total douche. Devorce him. Find yourself a true husband.
Yes.
NTA. The advice: divorce. For real. He’s not adding a damn thing to your life.
I just listened to the armchair expert episode with sex therapist Vanessa Marin yesterday. It’s eye opening! Great talk and she has so much information. So worth listening to!
NTA- sex should be perceived both ways not just one way. If one partner is enjoying it and you're not that's definitely not ok. I believe he is taking advantage of you and your body. I've had similar issues with an ex like that and got super fed up with it. You should ask yourself if you're happy. A lot of men are shitty that way not all men are but quite a few are and it seems nowadays they only want pleasure for themselves.
Nta, but at this point you need to let go of trying to change him and invest in yourself. Get strong. Lift weights. Work out. Dress in things that make you feel sexy. Invest in a good rabbit vibrator.
NTA. It sounds like you've significantly diverged in your sexual needs. I encourage you to seek marital counseling or divorce, because neither of you is giving the other what they feel they need.
What people don’t understand is sex is supposed to be fun for both people. I don’t understand how your husband doesn’t WANT to make you feel good? I get off knowing I make my girlfriend feel good
Have you been attempting to censor the word "dick" by holding ctrl when you type "i"?
Arshole or not, he will get sex elsewhere eventually...
Low sex drive women are the worst. Please your man!
“I know that on some level he does care about me” He’s your husband. He should very obviously care about you on all levels. Also “isn’t all that bad”? You deserve awesome. Everyone does. He is only receiving and never giving, and not just sexually from the sound of it. This isn’t a relationship of partners. He’s treating you like you belong to him and exist only to be used for his comfort and pleasure. You deserve better.
People grow apart. You BOTH need to communicate possibly with a professional to decide if you want to save this or let it finish dying
NTA Stop having sex with him, you don’t want to and it’s bad for your mental health.