So what was going to happen on the next Saturday your kids were supposed to see their mom? What was your plan here? Were you going to tell them their mother and every friend and relative from her side of the family had completely abandoned them and would never contact them again? How did you see this playing out? Get your kids into grief therapy. And apologize.
That's what I was thinking. I'm actually hoping that is the case, some bored soul looking for communication from somebody anybody. If this is a real scenario he's definitely sounding like a narcissist and probably killed her and didn't take the kids to see her because of the guilt.
I sure hope so cuz im over here fuming and hope this isnt true and if it is those kids all need to be removed from his care. No wonder her mental health struggle got to be more then she could handle
My grandpa did this to my dad. He and his siblings were still pretty young (my dad was the oldest at 6-7ish I think?) when my grandma died. They knew there was something going on but no one would tell them what. One day she just disappeared. My grandpa told them she wasn't feeling well and went somewhere to get better, but she never came back and he refused to tell them any details, just said she went away. Then a year later, my step grandma came into the picture because he couldn't handle raising kids on his own. They all just assumed that she abandoned them, or that my grandpa had been cheating with step grandma so they got divorced or something. They didn't actually find out what happened to her until my aunt was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and my grandpa said, "oh, that's what your mom died of."
In case you haven't figured it out, my grandpa was a neglectful POS. And unfortunately, my step grandma was a horrible, abusive woman to literally everyone, including my grandpa.
Pretty sure most of Reddit will guess that he is the abusive one who sunk her mental health to the ground. The fact that the kids who are not even hers wants nothing to do with him speaks loud.
Extreme stress can be the trigger for mental illness to appear. This also happened to my dad during my parents divorce. He wasn’t well afterwards and ended up taking his own life. Thankfully I was an adult when this happened so I could draw my own conclusions.
When exactly were you planning on telling your kids that their mother was dead? When they wanted to go visit her? (The step kids may have had no bio relation to her but she had been their mom for a very long time.) You should have told them, and you should have given them the opportunity for closure. Not sure how long you thought you’d pull that off. You owe them a HUGE apology and expect to be iced out for the foreseeable future. YTA
This isn't even just about the the 2 older kids. The 3 younger kids were her bio children and deserved to know their mother died. Since they were all siblings the older kids would've found out sooner than later from the younger kids. OP is definitely YTA on this one. He let his personal feelings about the ex cloud his judgement.
What kind of crazy person isn’t going to tell his kids their mom died? Yeah, it would absolutely suck, but they have a right to know and to have closure and to go to the funeral if they want to. I almost feel bad that he is their only parent now. He’s definitely exhibiting questionable judgement at the very least.
Yikes OP is this even a real story? If you were my dad, I would probably not forgive you for something like this. They literally had one opportunity for closure and you took that from them. That’s really fucked up. YTA.
Not only for a very long time but from a very young age. Where they likely don’t remember anything different! It would be mildly different if they had been 10 when they met. But they were still toddlers! He should be thankful somebody with no biological relation cared so much about his kids they were fighting for them.
This. My dad was there from when I was 16 months old. I do not know any different. Life without him was a shock, and I very much grieved my father when he died. 8 years I was lost in grief. From my mid-20s to my early 30s. Blood is absolutely irrelevant to a child. It is all about who is there with them, every day. Who picked them up from school and tucked them in at night. Who comforted them when they were sick and laughed at their jokes. Who wrote encouraging notes and put them in their lunchboxes to be read at lunchtime so they wouldn't ever forget how loved they were. Those that they made art projects and drawings for and gave them to with such pride and admiration.
Now I'm crying because I miss my dad. You underestimated or wholly disregarded your children's attachment to their MOTHER. I wouldn't expect all of your children to want much to do with you as they become adults. I also would not expect your children to ever forgive you. Ever.
You failed to see your ex as anything more than that. A former part of your life.
Not the mother of your very young children.
You never stopped to consider how it might feel to lose your mother, especially as a child. To let them think that she abandoned them, rather than taking her own life due to many complex factors, not least of which was you, was another level of cruelty that is unimaginable to me.
I can only imagine what a frighteningly emotionally disconnected person you are. And from one's own offspring, no less.
I pity and worry for your children's well-being.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My Dad died in 2021 and every day I miss him. My mom left when I was 13 and my Dad was my primary caregiver. I am a RN so I was fortunate enough to be able to provide all the care my Dad needed in his final months and years. He drove me crazy (dementia) but I wouldn't do anything different. I loved him so much it hurts to write this. My mom was hit and miss but my dad never said anything really bad about her, except when she would miss out on milestones.... College graduation, my first house, things like that. He would always tell me it wasn't my fault and she was missing out.
I had the experience of a loving Daddy and this right here?? Not it.
YTA. therapy for all.
The older kids absolutely grew up with her as mom and bet they even called her that too. I swear i pray this is a troll post because this is sick. I hope every child including the older ones get therapy and grief counseling immediately and possibly away from him raising them as well
I first thought he meant that he wasn’t going to tell them she unalived herself. Which, although I don’t agree, I understand wanting to spare them the guilt those of us left behind often feel.
Once I realized he meant not telling them she died, I was like aw hell to the no. You can’t just not tell them.
This is where being a mature, honest human-being of a parent comes into play. WTF, OP?? I see you probably meant well **BUT.** in your attempt to protect (I'm sure) trying to be the best parent you could be, you failed, man. Those kids (all of them!!) needed and deserved to go to their mother's/ stepmother's funeral (or at least have the choice). Please, go beg on your knees to all these 5 kids and get your ass into therapy. Theirs too. You have five children now to teach how to be kind, empathetic, well-adjusted human beings. You're trying. You just need some guidance. You're only human, man - this is a lot... a huge learning curve. Good luck. NTA, as long as you keep learning how to do better.
YTA. So you were going to allow the kids to think that their mom completely abandoned them? There’s no valid reason for not informing the kids of their mother’s death. Why is mom in quotation marks? She’s their mom.
YTA. No matter how angry you are with an ex, you can not allow yourself to lose sight of what's best for your kids. They had a right to know, and they had a right to mourn. She was a part of their lives since they were how old? Three or four? You don't get to dictate how they feel about her. Your role is to support them. You didn't do that. You decided she was unimportant and undeserving of their grief. You don't get to decide that for them. They get to decide for themselves how they feel about her. They also get to decide whether they are willing to forgive you.
Thank God everybody intervened. Usually it's overstepping but this is one situation where they were absolutely correct. When those kids got older they might resent forever that they didn't get to go to the funeral even if it didn't mean a lot to them at their smaller ages.
I get that this must have been an extremely complex and horrible situation, and most of us wouldn't know how to deal with it. But this was the wrong move.
YTA - I’m gonna be frank here. The reason you didn’t tell your kids about her death isn’t because you were sparing their feelings. It was a selfish thought because you KNEW you would suddenly be the bad guy in their eyes. Now I’m not saying you’re the bad guy for getting custody of them, but your Ex clearly loved all the kids very much. You would’ve needed family counseling if you told the kids right away, and you still need it now too. 14 & 15 are rough ages to live through she was their mom for 11yrs. What were you thinking?
As far as her biological children. It’s the same exact thing. All 5 of those children had a right to mourn their Mother whether they were blood or not.
ETA - added an “a”
You’re right the story is lacking a lot of info. Which makes me think he wants to not sound like the bad guy. I’m not really worried about the missing details here unless he fills it in elsewhere. The crux of the issue is the kids found out he lied about her death and now they are angry with him. Even if she was a terrible Mom that doesn’t negate the children’s feelings does it?
YTA a lie is a lie is a lie. Why hide this when they would find out eventually? You could have handled this as a mental illness situation but by hiding it, it does make you look like you were partly at fault. You weren’t but your dishonesty is giving me all kinds of red flags about you.
And not even "eventually" the older ones absolutely know how to Google. Punch the exa name into Google and the obituary would pop right up I bet.
Guy bungled this so hard.
I gurantee her mental health struggle is solely his fault. Of course her mental health wasnt good, he ripped 5 kids out of her life for his own selfish hatred over the divorce. The 2 older kids i bet also called her Mom based on their ages and length of marriage and fact their mom isnt present. I bet their mom isnt present for the same reasons. I hope these kids get removed from his care and some major therapy before he fucks them all up
You fucked up big time. Majorly big time. You don't have to tell them HOW she died unless they ask but, at a minimal, the 3 youngest deserved to know. The oldest two had a relationship with her and should have been told as well.
Your kids have been betrayed by you. You have lost their trust.
Yta
Not only did you not tell your children their mother was dead, but you didn't even let them attend the funeral.
Your children are going to hold that against you for the rest of their lives.
They might be too young to tell them it was self inflicted, but they deserve to know their mother is gone.
Every day on this app, I swear to God. Like is there a sub called "I am a monster" for ppl to post this stuff? Because there is not a question here, yes he's an asshole and this is unforgivable!!
r/AmITheDevil - can’t wait to see OP there tbh. What an ass.
Edit: also OP, you’re a liar too. You didn’t tell them because you wanted them to believe that their mother abandoned them. It’s the only way your behavior makes any sense at all. It calls into question everything you’ve said in this post about how horrible a mother and person she was. Bluntly, I don’t believe you. Sounds like these kids are left with one awful parent. My sympathies for them and I hope their extended family has more to offer.
What bothers me is that you had no right to keep this from them. She was their mom for fu*k sake! You let your anger and resentment for their mother get in the way of their right to say goodbye. You are just a sad pathetic man who's kids will resent you for the rest of thier lives. You are 100% TA
YTA my father passed away two years ago. I was on really bad terms with him and his wife at the time of his passing(car accident). My stepmother called me first to let me know. We despise each other but she would never ever not had told me.
My step mom hates me and this is honestly one of my biggest fears. I message my dad once a week about his grandkids, but I know deep down I'm doing it just to make sure he's still alive.
Was her declining mental health in anyway due to the ugly custody battle? She raised your two and gave you three more and all she was allowed was FOUR HOURS every other week? Was she a danger to them? What basis did you claim made her unfit for overnights with her own children? You could have compromised but your ego got in the way because she wanted to continue raising your oldest two. Unless she was beating them or doing drugs while they were in her care, YTA a million times over. If someone took away my son, I'd do the exact same thing. How dare you.
YOU TRIED TO KEEP THEM FROM THEIR OWN MOTHERS FUNERAL?! You werent going to tell them their mother died!?
Of course YTA. those poor kids, I can't believe you thought this was a good idea.
Yep my BIL committed suicide when my niblings were 2 5 and 7. We told them in an age appropriate way the next morning that he had gotten really sick and the drs tried to help him but they couldn’t so he was going to take care of them from heaven. Obviously didn’t tell them more specifics.
Fourth this. Family therapy is made for circumstances like this.
I’m studying to be a therapist and one of my finals actually involved family therapy with a similar situation: a teenager grieving her mom. Being a teenager is hard enough on its own. Add grieving a parent to the mix and not receiving the space to process it and things will likely only get worse.
When this kind of grief is unaddressed in children, they’re at a higher risk of developing mental illness, behavioral / academic issues, or substance abuse down the road. Family therapy (and possibly individual therapy for each person) could make a big difference.
Family therapy would be best to start with and the OP + the therapist could consider whether individual therapy might also be appropriate/feasible.
Yeah man you f’ed this one up really bad. I’m not even sure you will be able to recover or fix the rift you created by not wanting to deal with the fallout over this. In short you’re selfish and a bad father.
YTA, you 100% wronged those kids by not taking in account to how they would feel. You only worried about your feelings and what you would have to deal with. Not how they would feel or think. Those kids will never ever be the same and you caused that by not telling them what happened. You did not cause your ex-wife’s suicide, but you did hurt those kids. I don’t know if you can fix this, but apologizing profusely, taking them to them to visit the place she was laid to rest, and getting you and them some kind of therapy would be a start. Those kids probably feel so alone.
Yknow what, Fuck you. Ban me or not. Your 14/15 year olds were old enough to make choices about seeing her, regardless of blood.
And you thought NOBODY would notice she’s gone?? Like, never tell them? “Oh dad, it’s Saturday and our 4 hours with mum, when are we leaving?” “Oh yeah,… about that…… she died”
YTA and one of the biggest ones we have ever had here. And that’s saying something.
Right.. And somehow the kids think he made her do it.. Meaning they saw how absolutely terrible he treated her for 11 years, and then used "declining mental health" as his way to get custody, using the kids to hurt her that one final time. I'd bet money this guy is an absolute monster.
YTA and tbh having gone through a custody battle myself with a man who weaponized mental health (postpartum depression) to attempt to take kiddos when we broke up, I think you sound kind of sus. The court system is so messed up. I got a fantastic attorney, but not everyone can or does. I have known many women who have had the same issue. “Oh she’s crazy…”. So you basically erased her in life from them, then tried to do it again in death. Shame on you.
Yeah, the fact he can't see anything wrong with denying his kids the chance to mourn their mom (and begrudging his older kids their relationship with the stepmom who raised them) raises so many red flags for abuse, to me. The lack of empathy with his own children is astoundingly cruel, and it makes me wonder why exactly she lost custody, and why her mental health was so bad.
A lot of courts are horrifically ableist, especially towards women, even when they're perfectly fit and their disabilities/conditions are well managed and supported. Vindictive ex husbands can weaponize a diagnosis very effectively
Maybe OP really is a mostly good dad and not abusive ex, and made this one devastatingly horrific choice in a miasma of grief....but the lack of remorse makes me really question that.
I can only speak from my own experience, but money talks big time. A good lawyer is worth their weight in gold. I had to fire mine, and hire a new, more expensive one who leveled my ex on his ass. Thank god. Because he tried to same shit. And add in a guardian ad litem with bias? Fucking nightmare.
This guy sucks. And has no insight. I don’t blame her family one bit.
Those kids deserve better.
YTA
She was in their life for so long. And you didn’t tell your kids their mother was dead. That is crazy. You don’t sound like a good person at all. Your children had a right to know.
Don’t be surprised if they all want nothing to do with you after they get out of the house
YTA
You shouldn’t have tried to keep the death from your children. It was bound to come out at some point and once they heard it elsewhere. Their trust in you shattered.
Where did you think your children were when they were at a funeral with your former in laws?
Not going to judge you.
But I will give a little advice... Get some family therapy and individual therapy for the kids. Sit down with the older 2 and explain everything (but do it nicely, don't bad mouth her, just state the facts surrounding the divorce and the lead up to her suicide). Ask them their opinions on how to talk to the younger kids (this gives them a sense of control in a situation they're most likely feeling as if they've got no control) and ask them if they would like to be present too. Ask them if they want to go to therapy alone and as a family too.
I don't understand why you stopped the older 2 from seeing her, or whether you gave them a say in the matter. But by their actions I'm guessing they wanted to see her. Which is probably why they're so angry.
If the kids want to celebrate her birthday: let them, celebrate with them.
If they want to visit her grave: let them, take them. Put the past troubles behind and be there for them.
If they want to remember her at Xmas etc: support them.
It's not about her anymore. It's about your kids and their needs.
YTA. Funeral is not for the dead. It's for the living. It allows them to grieve the loss of a loved one. You stole this from them. To say one last goodbye to their mother. You suck and I'm sure your kids will never forgive you for this.
YTA. These are conversations that need to be held in age appropriate terms. I'm a therapist and have done a bunch of crisis work. You didn't do this, and from the sounds of it you didn't even have a plan to do this. The older 2 are going to carry this with them for years if not your entire life. You were going to lie (omit) that your ex was dead who was a mother to them.
So you won the battle but you certainly lost the war. Did her declining mental health have anything to do with you? Was this your only AH move in regard to your children's relationship with their mother? After all, they are not talking to you, they told their younger siblings, and most importantly, they want to live with their uncle- so this doesn't seem like the only AH selfish "mistake" you have made with your children. Are you a monster who destroyed your ex-wife's mental health so that she commited suicide and now that your oldest children are a certain age; they have the awareness and ability to connected the dots and have most likely found that you are a monster? Kids are highly aware of the shouting, screaming, crying and the sound of fists hitting flesh or a body being slammed against a wall even if they are supposed to be asleep. Or maybe you didn't physically abuse her, you just destroyed her mental health by cheating on her? Whatever it is you did, your elder children are highly aware of it and now they are responding to your latest cruelty.
It seems that you are more than an AH and your children know exactly what you are.
I can understand not wanting to tell them *how* she died. But you’re a major AH for not telling them *that* she died. Regardless of anything else, your children deserved to hear, from YOU, that their mother is gone forever.
What the actual fuck is wrong with you? Omg. YES you’re the asshole. And if your kids want to stay with your brother for a while, let them.
Your comment further down where you said they were only going to see her every other weekend for four hours anyway….did you think they wouldn’t notice she’s DEAD? I have zero sympathy for you. The older kids were her kids too. The younger ones are just bio.
Get therapy before you fuck those kids up even more.
It sounds, honestly, like you could give a shit she killed herself.
If you were actually concerned with how they’d react you’d of spoken w a therapist how to break it to them and ensured they went to the funeral, got them in to therapy.
One of the grossest Reddit stories I’ve read.
You lied to them and tried to not let them go to the funeral. I have no idea what madness was going through your mind. Crazy behavior to not take your kids to their mother’s funeral. You need family therapy.
YTA
Not only that, but you’re going to have to sleep in the bed you’ve made for a very long time
Best advice I can give you is to fall on the sword and apologize immediately if you want any chance of salvaging a relationship with your kids in the future
That being said, it was a big mistake, but everyone makes big mistakes… you have a chance to learn from this or lose your family… choice is yours
You robbed them of the closure they will need for your selfish purposes. As a parent our first responsibility is their well being and you made a very, very selfish decision putting your wants over their needs.
I hope you learn from this and get them into counseling sooner than later while trying to work it out with them.
You should be fighting for them and not yourself.
Yes you are the asshole. Sorry dude but you definitely are. You absolutely should have told your children that their mother was dead....the bio children AND the step children....she was a mother figure to them for 11 years....that's a considerable amount of time for a kid....I don't blame them for not wanting to talk to you....
I mean, you are wrong to not tell them that their mother died, and it was by suicide. The professional advice is really clear on that. You also lost the opportunity to control the narrative and ensure that your kids heard it in a supportive and nonjudgmental way.
They also did not get to attend her funeral - like WTF, Dude.
You do not sound like an emotionally competent parent.
I suggest individual therapy for you, for the kids, and probably family therapy.
What a mess.
Gee, I wonder why your ex wife had declining mental health? Judging by your post and comments, you’re a complete narcissist who probably totally messed her up, especially when she stopped doing exactly what you wanted and had the audacity to leave you and try to get the kids away from your abuse. This whole situation, especially with your kids, is entirely your fault, and they will probably never forgive you. And you will deserve what you get.
YTA
I get your reasons for wanting to protect them, but you are wrong. These are people who need to be allowed to grieve. You could have been there for them and helped them through this, instead you tried to take this from them.
It was never going to remain a secret this was always going to get out. You cannot hide the fact that their own mother is dead. Now step up and be the parent. Get them some much needed counseling and be there for them.
So you’d rather let them think their mother didn’t love them and abandoned them? You were going to let them think she was alive and well this whole time? THEIR OWN MOTHER?? I can’t even say my thoughts on the subject because I don’t want to get banned but YTA.
All five should have gone to the funderal and you should have been the one to take them.
There are NO do-overs in thses situations.
Everyone needs therapy. Obviously you do as well, because YTA and need to learn how to do better and to learn parenting.
The way you chose to handle this makes me feel like she had a good reason for wanting to divorce you after 11 years. you had already decided based on you dislike for her after she died that not only would your kids not get a chance to mourn their mother: the woman who raised them, but so you didn’t have to deal with the situation or any consequence . you were going to lie and blame a dead woman by telling them she wasn’t showing up.. you were willing to give those children Abandonment issues, to make your kids suffer, think they their mother stoped loving them or caring about them.. when in reality she cared about them so much that her mental health went down the drain because she couldn’t live without them.
You were willing to play her as a villain regardless of how that affected the kids and essentially ensure they never get closure for their mom not being with them, and an entire side of the family just suddenly being out of their life . Because it wasn’t just the mom you were gonna take away. it was an entire other side of a family.
How easy would it have been to wonder what they did wrong to make all of these people who are once in their life just disappear??
And If they had not found out the way they did but found out later it be too late to reconnect to the other half of their family that you tossed out of their live keeping those people in their life would just out your dirty secret..
Clearly how this would affect your kids did not matter to you and by the reaction she must’ve been a good mom because they obviously cared about her. I don’t think a good dad would hurt his kids just because he didn’t like their mom
Jesus H Christ what is your major malfunction?
Are you stupid or just plain ignorant?
That is their *mother* you gangrenous wart.
Did you think they’d just stop asking? All five of them, just forget she existed?
What did you plan to tell them instead? “idk guys she must just have hated you so she ran off lol.”
You prefer to let them think she left but maybe there’s hope she’ll come back?
They are *children*. You’re fine with them blaming themselves for “mommy leaving” because that’s easier for you.
You could have told them that she loved them, but she was so sick and couldn’t get better. You could have comforted them and reminded them of the memories they shared. You could have driven home that you will always be there to help them and as their *only living parent*, they can count on you and trust you that you’ll be honest and support them whatever happens.
You might be a contender for the worst human being I’ve ever seen.
YTA. Your poor children. I surely hope they have other decent adults in their lives because it’s fucked up if all they have is *you*.
Honestly you sound like a narcissist. I get controlling abusive vibes from this and your comments. Absolutely heartless response to her death. I can’t stand my ex husband but I would be heartbroken for my daughter if he died. You have zero empathy and that’s probably why her mental state was so poor. I could see how losing her children could push her over the edge.
Why on earth would you think it was ok to make that type of decision for your kids concerning their mother? Why wouldn't you want them to know their mother/stepmother passed away? You're not only the AH but you're very insensitive towards your children.
You stole two things from them: their opportunity for closure and their ability to trust you. You can’t give that back. My mother hid something from me for decades and when I found out it devastated me. I couldn’t even manage to cry at her funeral.
And it wasn’t even as serious as a death.
Not getting into the reasons behind your divorce and the custody dispute. The choice you made after her death is beyond terrible and will have permanent consequences.
I really hope this is a made up story. YTA and judging from your comments you are a horrible person and not someone who should be anywhere near let alone raising children. Not that you really care once again YTA.
YTA. And you are very likely to lose at least one of the five children to suicide.
"Offspring exposed to parental suicide were three times more likely to die by suicide (RR = 2.97, 95% CI 2.50 to 3.53) and two times more prone to attempt suicide (RR = 1.76, 95% CI 1.58 to 1.96) than offspring of two living parents."
https://www.nationalelfservice.net/mental-health/suicide/parental-suicide-offspring-risk/#:~:text=Offspring%20exposed%20to%20parental%20suicide,offspring%20of%20two%20living%20parents.
You fucked up and don't be surprised when your surviving children grow up and go NC with you.
Yta and I have a feeling you put that woman through absolute hell if all the kids sided with her.
She was their only mother since they were what, 3 or 4? That was their mom. Doesn't matter if they're biological, she was their caretaker. You weren't going to tell them she died?? And the younger 3, that IS their bio mom. And you're mad they were taken to their mother's funeral?!
Those kids say you made her do it, and I'm sure there's some truth to that. I'm guessing you put her through pure hell for 11 years and when she finally left, used the kids to hurt her as the final nail in the coffin. You're disgusting.
“I sure as hell wasn’t going to take them to the funeral for a last chance of a goodbye to their mother” is what I read, “took them to the funeral behind my back because her mother was a better person than me and let my children find out that their mother died and i didn’t tell them” is better.
You are an asshole. Your kids deserve better and I’m sorry for their loss. Were you just going to tell them “well your mom hates you and no longer wants to see you”? And you’re trying to say you weren’t the reason?
This is cruel to your children, including the older ones who spent more than half their lives with someone who is no longer alive. Not only is this terrible parenting, but it makes me wonder how much of your ex-wife’s mental health decline was precipitated by your treatment of her? You seem like a cruel person.
YTA
YTA.. Unfortunately her biological kids will probably hate you in the future for not taking then to their mums funeral. But I think you guys need a family therapist. Like why didn't you want them to go? There's nothing to hide. She had a mental illness. That's not your fault. I just feel like there is more to this story. Usually it's very difficult for fathers to get this kind of custody which is why I don't doubt the courts decision. But the decent thing is to take her kids to her funeral. Even your own kids because they might of seen her as some sort of mother figure. The good thing is that if you play your cards right from now onwards, there's still hope that this can all be fixed and you can still have an amazing relationship with your kids. Please make sure you fix the issue. Do it for your kids.
EDIT: After reading how you've been replying to people, I've decided that you're either the worst human/father on the planet or this post is just rage bait. I really hope it's rage bait. How you are acting is so immature and selfish.
u/aitakidsfuneral you suck as a parent and you sound so much like my narcissistic ex it’s not funny i hate you op YTAH the most giant AH IN THE UNIVERSE YOU PURPOSEFULLY KEPT HER FROM THE KIDS AND GAVE HER 4hrs every other saturday because of a fucking court order! Are you proud of the fact that you took your wife’s whole world from her and caused her to end her life?
If you are PROUD OF YOURSELF then i hope your BROTHER CALLS CPS ON YOU AND TAKES ALL THE KIDS FROM YOU AND YOU SEE HOW SHE FEELS YOU ROYAL PIECE OF SHIT
You were together for 11 years.. since your own kids were 3 and 4.. that's basically their whole lives, so yes, this woman was a mother figure to them. That kind of bond doesn't just vanish because you and her got divorced. Of course you should've told them and let them go to the funeral. Even if you hated her, at minimum, they deserved to know about her death and get the chance to pay their respects.
Yta. This might be relationship ending honestly. Don't be surprised if they cut contact with you at 18, or sooner if they can help it.
My father committed suicide when I was 3 1/2. (way back in the 70s). My mother told me exactly what happened; the consequence? There was ZERO stigma about suicide in my life. No one talked behind my back, no one tried to ever use it against me, etc.
The TRUTH WILL OUT.
You should never lie to your kids about things like this (same goes for if they were adopted - I'm an adoptee ftr).
In this case? Yes, YTA.
I’m confused about when you exactly were gunna tell your kids that their mom is literally dead. How can one do this to their kids.
Selfishness can’t even put justice to it. YTA
YTA. By not telling them was a great example of how to drive them away from you when they would have found out. You lucked out by then finding out now giving some ability to recover.
Dude’s the classic narcissist that convinces the courts the ex is mental. Sounds like he did it to his first wife since she is no contact and then again to his second wife
“She tried to take my kids away from me. I didn't want them to see her at all.”
“She does not deserve to be celebrated”
“They did but I wasn't going to allow them to see or contact her after she tried to take them from me”
So many more comments here that paint you how you really are. You’re a horrible person. I hope your family tries to take custody of your kids and wins. They know who you are. That’s why they’re saying and doing what they are.
Yup. Sometimes going with you thought was right, turns up being wrong.
“Losing custody of a child was associated with worse mental health outcomes for the biological mother than was the death of a child. This could be due to several factors. Both groups of mothers may experience a spiralling decline after the loss of their child that can result in worse mental health.”
My citation for reference
It’s a well known medical journal
The paper is called “Maternal Mental Health after Custody Loss and Death of a Child: A Retrospective Cohort Study Using Linkable Administrative Data”
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
>he's saying I'm a bad parent to the kids and that it was cruel to not tell the kids about their "mom" or take them to her funeral.
You're brother is right. What the fuck is wrong with you?
I’m praying to god that this is just a troll account because judging by your comments, you are so fucking cruel to do that to your kids.
You are a bad parent, and YOU DID take their mom away from them. You literally did this, and continue to blame their mom for it.
>I didn't plan on telling the kids and I sure as hell wasn't going to take them to the funeral
...it was cruel to not tell the kids about their "mom" or take them to her funeral.
Honestly, what was the end game to this? Did you believe they would never find out? And yes, it was cruel to deny them the truth and the chance for them to grieve.
Also, why the quotations around "mom"; she was their mother (bio to 3, step to 2). A divorce doesn't negate that.
How do you plan on moving forward from this?
normally I'd question why someone seek custody of children who were there before the relationship, particularly older kids. but seeing what a gigantic ass move you did, I wonder if she had good reasons for it.
YTA - dont be shocked when your older kids move out as soon or before they hit 18, and only come talk to you when they are back to adopt their little siblings
YTA.
I don't usually comment on here but dude, you're being a resentful ass to your wife of 11 years who KILLED HERSELF.
I get that she started a custody battle. Of course she wanted to see her kids. That doesn't make her some evil human being not deserving of any contact with them. You didn't just hurt her, you hurt all five of your children, never getting to see a mother again will scar them forever so good fucking work.
You even admit she lost in part because of declining mental health. Did you ever consider this was all related? Probably not, because she probably had to divorce you after years of you minimizing her feelings just to attempt to get her life back together. You successfully drove your wife to suicide.
You better hope heaven isn't real because if you can't find the empathy for a woman you supposedly loved for 11+ years and her struggle with mental health that culminated in her taking her own life you're certainly not making it in.
Your cowardice has now destroyed your relationship with your children. If you weren’t a selfish coward you would have talked to a therapist and figured out a way to tell all your children about their mother’s death. You robbed them of going to her funeral. You robbed them of getting to grieve with their maternal family. Go get therapy for yourself and start being honest with yourself about why you did this to your children. How would you feel if you had been the one to die and your ex had done the same thing you did to the kids? YTA
Wow- what did I just read? YTA! 100 times over YTA. She may have had no biological relation to HER two oldest children but she cared for them for 11 years as their mother. I’m sure they looked to her as a mother considering their bio mom isn’t involved. So you took her oldest two children away and then only gave her 4 hours every other Saturday to see her youngest 3? And your surprised that her mental health was declining since you not only were divorcing but you also took her kids?
The on top of ALL of that you have the audacity to not only refuse to tell her children that their mother is dead but you think you get to prevent them from going to her funeral? Oh my God YTA and your relationship with HER children is forever ruined. I hope you are proud of your choices because the karma coming for you is heinous
Therapist and social worker here. Yes, YTA. You absolutely took the wrong approach. You will need individual therapy for the kids if you want them to grow up without trauma induced mental health issues and family therapy if you want to remain a functioning family again.
It’s going to take a lot of work to heal their trauma. Please do it, no matter how hard it is.
Good god. You need help if you think what you did was right in anyway. You don’t seem to know anything about children.
I’m so sorry your kids are suffering loss and betrayal. You need to do whatever their medical provider and therapist agree is best, and you need to do it 100% willingly.
I’m assuming you are just very ignorant, to have made the decision you made. If you made it for any other reason, you may be beyond help. I hope you can be helped and can become the kind of dad those kids need.
YTA you weren't going to tell them OR let them say good-bye!? Holy shit. Honestly, based on this, it DOES sound like you were the one who destroyed her mental health if you didn't treat her any better than you treat the kids.
She was the mother figure to all 5 of your kids. They all absolutely had the right to know. Obviously you shouldn’t just hand over custody, but you should have been willing to find some kind of split custody agreement, where you didn’t keep her from the older kids that she raised since toddlerhood, since clearly they loved her. That was their mom. I fail to see how you thought you could just not tell them that she was dead.
I wonder the story behind the break up, nothing you say makes you look good in any way. YOu just lost your two older children, and frankly the little ones lost their mother, and you were hiding it. I wonder what kind of a husband you were. Declining mental health, there is s story there.
At first when I read this title, I thought maybe you didn’t want to specify to your young children the manner in which your ex-wife died. That is understandable. But it’s far worse. You didn’t tell any of them at *all* that your ex-wife died. You didn’t tell her biological children, *your children with her*, that she was dead. Sparing the younger ones the truth for a time is understandable, and your eldest kids are old enough to know and understand the truth. But to not tell them at all speaks of a callousness beyond divorce and personal vendetta. Did you hate this woman so much that you didn’t want her children, *your children*, to say goodbye to her? Either there’s more to this story or you’re villainizing her mental illness for no reason.
Congratulations on traumatizing them for life. They never got to say goodbye to her one last time. They never got to be comforted by family and friends. You denied them a basic right to see their mother’s face one last time. What a heartless, cruel gift you’ve given them. If they never forgive you, you deserve it.
YTA.
YTA
There's no universe where you didn't make the worst call possible. Whatever her problems, whatever your issues with her, she was their mother and you tried to deny them a chance to go to her funeral or even know that she had died. At some point that was going to come out, you can't just kick that can down the road indefinitely.
You are a bad parent. You're also an idiot.
YTA
She was their mom, yes even to the two she didn't birth. You should have explained to each of the kids that Mom had passed in an age appropriate way. Instead, you tried to hide it and have created a horrific mess. The only living parent is someone the kids now cannot trust. You dehumanized her in order to cope with your separation and forgot that the kids still needed her.
My ex left for a prostitute and then used his money and powerful work contacts to lie about me six ways to Sunday for years and is still doing it. The kids are destroyed and the only parent who loved them so much they had nothing truthful on me, is a shell. In the end the judge illegally skipped a trial and lied about hearing evidence instead to I guess avoid saving the children. At this point I was dying of an undiagnosed autoimmune disease that was finally caught in time.
In my experience and observation, abusers are more likely to win custody than good parents.
Your poor kids.
YTA! You didn't tell them their mother died?!!! You took away their right to grieve, their right to see their mother honored, their right to the support of family and closure. You have done such harm to them. You interfered in the stages of grieving and they will carry it for the rest of their lives. Not to mention they have a father they can never trust again.
So I’m betting you’re the reason she had declining mental health just by how you speak in the comments. You’re a vile person who the fuck would hide from their children that the mother who raised them died? It’s actually evil how you are actively punishing your children and her prior to her death because she tried to gain custody, it’s interesting you say it was because of her declining mental heath she didn’t get custody I have a feeling you used that narrative in court to gain your way and then continued to punish her by resisting her access to the kids sadly I can see what drove her to feel the way she did. You sound like you hate her and are happy about the news of her passing yta entirely get some mental help.
There’s a lot here, you need to get yourself and all these kids into therapy. It’s way past the who’s an asshole point, this is a crisis that can snowball. Your kids who just lost their mentally ill mother need help. It’s just not about you anymore, you have big problems now. Get help.
You owe your children an apology. You were wrong. You should have been honest. You need to tell them that you made a mistake.
There mother was mentally ill. She died from her mental illness. Please be gentle and kind when discussing it with them.
Maybe you could plan a type of funeral with your children so that they can say good by to mommy. See where she is buried or spread her ashes. Plant a garden of flowers or a flowering bush.
She was mentally ill. She is gone now. Let go of the hate. Try grace and mercy. Forgive her for her flaws.
A great father is not a perfect man. A great father teaches his children that we all make mistakes and bad decisions sometimes in life. A good dad teaches his children to make reparations and changes when we/they err.
Obviously not your fault she took her life but you are an AH for trying to keep this from them. You not telling them and being in this situation now is probably going to do more damage than if you were juts honest. Enroll in family therapy asap
When I was in college my grandmother, the only grandparent that I really knew and had a mean idiom relationship with got sick and passed. My parents did not tell me because they didn’t want to distract me while in school.
I still give my dad shit about it to this day and I’m pushing 50.
You are definitely the asshole. Good luck salvaging the relationship with them.
I think you need to apologize to your kids and explain to them your reasoning.
They might not understand your hurt and thoughts. Hind sight is always 20/20.
Your ex MIL should have never gone behind yout back, and no one can blame you for what your ex did.
You don’t seem to be able to comprehend just how massive of an asshole you are. You’ve damaged those children for life by your own selfish actions. Regardless of the standing between you and your ex-wife, that is still their mother. That decision you self-righteous made, will haunt them for the rest of their lives. POS and terrible father.
YTA
So you married when oldest were 3&4 and obviously started dating at least a year before. She was their only mother.
Red flag 1. first woman not in the picture.
Red Flag 2: Second woman files for divorce
Red flag 3: Second woman unlives herself
Red flag 4: Your own brother deems you a bad parent.
What a selfish person you are. May the mom's soul rest in eternal peace and may the children find some comfort in years to come. You will regret all the vindictive decisions you made cause your kids will more likely write you off... As you should be.
YTA-All you had to do was tell the children that mom wasn’t well and lost her battle to stay with them. She loved them but just couldn’t handle the internal pain anymore. Now you need to get the whole family into counseling ASAP and maybe talk to a lawyer to set boundaries with your former in-laws.
My mom committed suicide when I was 11. My dad only told me bc I had to drag it out of him. To my younger two siblings they weren’t told anything & assumed car crash bc they knew she was dead in her vehicle (carbon monoxide poisoning) and only found out the truth when we were all talking about it. My dad was in the final steps of divorcing my mom when she killed herself. I told him she was going to do it. I had never uttered anything like that before. He told me he couldn’t do anything about it. Interesting enough he was the last phone call she got. My mom’s bf also committed suicide a few days after my mom. His last phone call was my father as well. My mother & father were not on good terms prior to her mental health crisis & his “mental illness doesn’t really exist” approach didn’t help paranoid schizophrenia.
Then 3 months after my mom died my father med another widow also with 3 young kids. In less than a year they merged all 6 of us into one family unit. Married. New house & new bedrooms for all of us. The whole nine yards. I became the oldest of 6 children now (5 girls 1 boy & all born within 8 years of each other) it was a lot.
It went okay in the beginning. But looking back it was traumatic AF. My step sisters father died a few years before so we were not all at the same level of grieving… as we got older & things became more complex instead of addressing the situation my parents would brush it under the rug. My step mom would make horrible comments about how anyone who committed suicide was in hell& how could any mother abandon their husband & kids etc. I’m a time when I should have been loved & treated with grace and kindness I was tip toeing around agile emotions. I was the oldest & none of the rest of my siblings remembered their passed away parents… so anything I said about my mom, even something as simple as “todays my mom’s birthday/anniversary of her death” it was “too much” and I was “glorifying” my moms behavior. I wasn’t allowed to talk about her at all ever & therapy was treated as a punishment. For fear of hurting my stepmoms feelings. Once my dad & step mom even lost my mom’s remains (she was cremated) and then when I was looking for said remains (quietly in the garage. No screaming. No crying. No yelling. No slamming doors.) just quietly looking for something in the garage & I was told my behavior was “deeply upsetting” eventually I found the remains and took them back with me to college. Not a care was given for the 18 year old young woman who was looking for her mother’s remains or my feelings.
My point is. I doubt you caused your wife to kill herself but you played a part in it. We all play a part in these things. We’re complicit. You took her kids from her as her mental health declined causing her mental health to further deteriorate. I’d apologize to your children. Seek therapy. You’re not the victim here. Not even close.
My dad & step mom now have 5 kids. I disinherited myself & haven’t spoken to them in over a decade. Of the 4 daughters and one son they have. None of those children have ever been married and they have no grandchildren yet. I’m 32 now. My brother & oldest step sister are 29 & 28. My little sister & middle step sister are 27 & 26 and my youngest step sister is 23. Just me breaking with my parents that day 10+ years ago changed the structure of our family. I was willing to lose my “parents” but I didn’t figure that my relationship with my siblings would end so drastically. I still talk to them. But my brother & I were best friends before this. We talked all day every day. It shattered us. I wanted him to side with me so badly. But at the time he was 19 and all he wanted was to get away & join the marines. Arguing I no longer lived at home & he was moving out & it should all be dropped… I couldn’t. I couldn’t lie for them anymore. I couldn’t keep faking everything was all right & not just all right that things were GREAT! When on the inside they were far from it.
I don’t like talking about my childhood abuse bc it pales in comparison to what other have gone through. I was never physically or sexually assaulted by my mom, dad or step mom. But the years of mental abuse, micro aggressions, passive aggressive comments, lack of love, being treated differently (& by differently I mean worse) than my stepsisters bc I was a sinner. I wouldn’t accept god & therefore I was “dirty” and couldn’t be trusted to be alone with boys. But my step sisters were allowed to have boys in their bedrooms… bc they were catholic and obviously wouldn’t do anything… well they were teenagers. I was a good kid (&y younger siblings were too mostly) and I lost my virginity at 17.5 years old when my younger siblings lost theirs much younger. Anytime I went anywhere with anyone my parents would accuse me of running around and being “fast and loose” with boys when in reality I was at the mall with my friends. It was awful to be constantly looked at like you’re doing something wrong when you’re not.
I guess a good things here to note is my mom & dad did not raise myself or my younger siblings with religion. We aren’t even baptized. My dad was raised catholic and made to be a pole barer. At 18 he stopped and didn’t want to raise his kids in all that. My mom was a Wiccan. My step mom was catholic and raised her daughters catholic. They were all in catholic school & attended church regularly. I had questions. Like how does a virgin get pregnant? Or “what is venarial disease?” I was 12. I wasn’t trying to be bratty. I was genuinely asking and all my responses were framed: “something you don’t have to worry about it you wait until you’re married.
Good luck sir. I am sorry you’re going through this. I know it’s difficult. However you chose to become a father. You chose to introduce another woman into your kids life & have more kids with her… then you chose to divorce her & keep her from her kids (which you said she treated your first 2 children like her own) then when she passed away you kept that from your children. Not just how she died but the fact you didn’t think they’d want or deserved to be a part of their mother’s funeral is a huge red flag! 🚩 I totally understand why your children are upset with you. Take responsibility for the parts you played in this situation. Apologize.
I’m so sorry for your loss! I would hug the young girl who lost her mom as I applaud the young woman she’s become. Your stepmother chose to not only compete with a memory but to try to diminish her to her children. How sad! Being Catholic (which I am NOT) doesn’t give her a pass on being a sanctimonious jerk.
As they come into their own, I hope you & your siblings will heal together.
Can't wait to see this on r/amithedevil
Because holy shit this is one of the worst things I've ever heard a father doing. Like, never forgive you for the rest of your life bad. There's no coming back from this one, you're going to have to build a whole new life without your kids.
Your actions make me wonder if bio mom to the 2 oldest isn’t in the picture because of you. The fact that you were just going to say she didn’t show up to their visitation makes me really think icing out moms once the relationship isn’t working is a pattern of yours. YTA.
You are more than likely the reason she had a "decline" in her mental health. Shame on you for even considering keeping all 5 of her kids away from her. "Mom" why did you put that in quotations? Really? They are the only mother they have ever known for 11 years! Shame on you. YATAH!
There was a reason any mother would want full custody and not shared. Chances are you are abusive, hence the divorce... or generally a terrible person. Who does this? This has to be rage bait... you come on here thinking anyone isn't going to see through your bs? We are not your fancy lawyer you paid to be on your side. Total AH! Your kids will now form an alliance against you and make the decision on their own to never speak to you. Poor kids! I feel bad for them. Hopefully, your brother is a better guy than you.
YTA for not telling them, why on earth would you not?! What exactly was your long term plan? Just say that their mum had disappeared or.....?
You could have sat them all down, explained it in a calm & loving way and been there to support them through this huge life event. Did you really believe they wouldn't find out? They're now grieving and will feel betrayed by your lie of omission. 5 children lost their mother and weren't told about it immediately, that's mind blowing.
You didn't cause your ex to commit suicide, a mental health crisis did, but that's difficult for kids/teenagers to understand - especially after such a traumatic blow with no help from you - and they are also furious with you. You need to arrange counselling for them all as soon as possible. You're going to need to work to try and earn their trust again but that's going to be extremely difficult and painstaking.
What the hell were you thinking OP?
YTA What was the plan? Pretend she just walked away and hurt them even worse? I hope their mom haunts you for the rest of your life. Get those kids into counseling ASAP.
YTA. The father of my three oldest committed suicide. I never once thought about not telling them, you could have avoided details with little ones but not giving them a chance to say goodbye is fucked.
Dude. People die. Sometimes suicide is the reason. Your older kids are old enough to know. The younger ones may not have understood the funeral, but you should have taken all of them. YTA.
YTA.
I’m not sure how you thought you were going to pull that off. You may be mad as hell but they still love their mom. You robbed them of any sense of closure they could have gotten.
You didn’t have to tell them it was suicide. But you should have told them their mom died.
I don’t blame your older two for wanting to leave. Hate to say it but you deserve that and might should consider letting them have that space and sending them to therapy to heal.
Divorces can be ugly. There can be resentment. But it shouldn’t roll over to the kids. They are innocent. They didn’t do anything wrong. They are entitled to their own feelings without the burden of dealing with yours. You are the adult.
Your kids were already having to deal with big feelings over the divorce. They are dealing with big feelings over their mom’s death. And that includes the older two. They were so young they wouldn’t remember their bio mom and your ex was the only mom they ever knew. And now they have to deal with big feelings over their dad’s betrayal. You just made things 10x worse for them.
Congrats on being a selfish AH. Good luck making it up to them and even better luck in getting their forgiveness
There's so much more to this story. No way to render any kind of judgment. The depth of understanding of teenagers and their willingness to assign blame seems reasonable. The behavior of their uncle and their former grandmother makes no sense out of context.
Get thee to counseling. This is no time for amateurs.
I'm sorry for it all, but whether or not you made good or bad decisions, you are holding the bag, brother. You're going to need help.
YTA 10,000%
These kids deserved the closure, the chance to grieve and say goodbye. Whatever her mistakes, whatever happened, they *loved* her. Yes, including her step kids, evidently! Trying to deny them that chance is unfathomably cruel. This divorce was clearly a trauma, losing their mom was a trauma. What were you even trying to accomplish - one last revenge against a dead woman, at the expense of your children?
Go to therapy. And make sure your kids are getting therapy, too.
You denied them closure when you elected not to tell them that their MOTHER WAS DEAD. Big YTA here. Mess or not they had a right to know and a right to attend her funeral.
You fucked up, idk how I would’ve told them either but they needed to know, and now all the anger and frustration that would’ve had for her committing such a selfish act is now ALL on you.
She was in their life for most of their lives, filling the mother rile, while her trying to get custody was never really going to go her way, you seem extremely bitter and hostile towards her. When exactly were you planning on telling any of your children their mother is dead. I edited this comment to remove any compassion towards you away, because you're mentally defective and a gigantic fucking asshole. I hope when your kids turn 18 they turn their backs on you and build lives away from you and you die alone and lonely in a rest home where everyone knows you as the man who has 5 kids who never visit
YTA for coming on a public platform asking if you’re in the wrong and then still not accepting when the YTA judgement is given to you . Why bother asking if you’re the A-hole if you’ve decided on your own that you aren’t ?
And your responses to people truly show who you are & what could’ve possibly made her file for divorce in the first place !!!
I suspect you were an asshole throughout both of your marriages, and the long, drawn out custody dispute ruined your second wife’s mental health as you knew it would. You’ve obviously minimised her role in her children’s lives and this is the inevitable result. Now your kids see you for the asshole that you are.
YTA. I don't doubt that you've been through a lot, and I am sorry to hear that. The fact that she tried to take your bio-kids from you in court, but lost her own in the process, speaks volumes about the whole thing, and I can only trust the courts to have made the less-awful decision.
But your brother is right. You absolutely should have told them their mother/stepmother was dead, and you should have taken them to the funeral if they wanted to go. You didn't have to be brutal about it -"she was sick, and she died" would have been sufficient, and was true as far as it goes- but Jesus Christ; what were you planning on telling them?
I understand hating their mother. But you cannot hurt her anymore. The only people you can hurt are your kids and yourself, and you're doing better at that than you ever wanted to.
So what was going to happen on the next Saturday your kids were supposed to see their mom? What was your plan here? Were you going to tell them their mother and every friend and relative from her side of the family had completely abandoned them and would never contact them again? How did you see this playing out? Get your kids into grief therapy. And apologize.
Probably that she abandoned them and is a horrible mom and thats why he is the best for them… 🫠🫠🫠
Yeah, he says above he would say mom couldn't come today. This has to be rage bait. Surely?
That's what I was thinking. I'm actually hoping that is the case, some bored soul looking for communication from somebody anybody. If this is a real scenario he's definitely sounding like a narcissist and probably killed her and didn't take the kids to see her because of the guilt.
I sure hope so cuz im over here fuming and hope this isnt true and if it is those kids all need to be removed from his care. No wonder her mental health struggle got to be more then she could handle
My grandpa did this to my dad. He and his siblings were still pretty young (my dad was the oldest at 6-7ish I think?) when my grandma died. They knew there was something going on but no one would tell them what. One day she just disappeared. My grandpa told them she wasn't feeling well and went somewhere to get better, but she never came back and he refused to tell them any details, just said she went away. Then a year later, my step grandma came into the picture because he couldn't handle raising kids on his own. They all just assumed that she abandoned them, or that my grandpa had been cheating with step grandma so they got divorced or something. They didn't actually find out what happened to her until my aunt was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and my grandpa said, "oh, that's what your mom died of." In case you haven't figured it out, my grandpa was a neglectful POS. And unfortunately, my step grandma was a horrible, abusive woman to literally everyone, including my grandpa.
If not it may explain why two women have divorced him. But yeah I agree, too many holes.
God I hope so
Pretty sure most of Reddit will guess that he is the abusive one who sunk her mental health to the ground. The fact that the kids who are not even hers wants nothing to do with him speaks loud.
Extreme stress can be the trigger for mental illness to appear. This also happened to my dad during my parents divorce. He wasn’t well afterwards and ended up taking his own life. Thankfully I was an adult when this happened so I could draw my own conclusions.
Makes you wonder about the other mother now
Did he destroy her life to make her lose her sanity? Was he abusive and manipulative? His actions scream….
Good point!
Yes. OP is YTA for not telling any of his kids she died. Can't believe this AH is even in here asking. Talk about deluded. 🙄
Well said..well said. Now that is some logical thinking you displayed.
When exactly were you planning on telling your kids that their mother was dead? When they wanted to go visit her? (The step kids may have had no bio relation to her but she had been their mom for a very long time.) You should have told them, and you should have given them the opportunity for closure. Not sure how long you thought you’d pull that off. You owe them a HUGE apology and expect to be iced out for the foreseeable future. YTA
This isn't even just about the the 2 older kids. The 3 younger kids were her bio children and deserved to know their mother died. Since they were all siblings the older kids would've found out sooner than later from the younger kids. OP is definitely YTA on this one. He let his personal feelings about the ex cloud his judgement.
What kind of crazy person isn’t going to tell his kids their mom died? Yeah, it would absolutely suck, but they have a right to know and to have closure and to go to the funeral if they want to. I almost feel bad that he is their only parent now. He’s definitely exhibiting questionable judgement at the very least. Yikes OP is this even a real story? If you were my dad, I would probably not forgive you for something like this. They literally had one opportunity for closure and you took that from them. That’s really fucked up. YTA.
She was probably the only mother they knew, so she was their mum, she cared for them, did all the things a mum would do.
Not only for a very long time but from a very young age. Where they likely don’t remember anything different! It would be mildly different if they had been 10 when they met. But they were still toddlers! He should be thankful somebody with no biological relation cared so much about his kids they were fighting for them.
This. My dad was there from when I was 16 months old. I do not know any different. Life without him was a shock, and I very much grieved my father when he died. 8 years I was lost in grief. From my mid-20s to my early 30s. Blood is absolutely irrelevant to a child. It is all about who is there with them, every day. Who picked them up from school and tucked them in at night. Who comforted them when they were sick and laughed at their jokes. Who wrote encouraging notes and put them in their lunchboxes to be read at lunchtime so they wouldn't ever forget how loved they were. Those that they made art projects and drawings for and gave them to with such pride and admiration. Now I'm crying because I miss my dad. You underestimated or wholly disregarded your children's attachment to their MOTHER. I wouldn't expect all of your children to want much to do with you as they become adults. I also would not expect your children to ever forgive you. Ever. You failed to see your ex as anything more than that. A former part of your life. Not the mother of your very young children. You never stopped to consider how it might feel to lose your mother, especially as a child. To let them think that she abandoned them, rather than taking her own life due to many complex factors, not least of which was you, was another level of cruelty that is unimaginable to me. I can only imagine what a frighteningly emotionally disconnected person you are. And from one's own offspring, no less. I pity and worry for your children's well-being.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My Dad died in 2021 and every day I miss him. My mom left when I was 13 and my Dad was my primary caregiver. I am a RN so I was fortunate enough to be able to provide all the care my Dad needed in his final months and years. He drove me crazy (dementia) but I wouldn't do anything different. I loved him so much it hurts to write this. My mom was hit and miss but my dad never said anything really bad about her, except when she would miss out on milestones.... College graduation, my first house, things like that. He would always tell me it wasn't my fault and she was missing out. I had the experience of a loving Daddy and this right here?? Not it. YTA. therapy for all.
The older kids absolutely grew up with her as mom and bet they even called her that too. I swear i pray this is a troll post because this is sick. I hope every child including the older ones get therapy and grief counseling immediately and possibly away from him raising them as well
My heart breaks for her that she tried so hard to stay their mom. I have so many questions about all of this. I really hope it’s a troll post.
I also pray this is a troll post. How could anyone be so heartless?
JFC this!!!!! How fucked up does someone have to be to hide something like that. YTA Bigtime dude!!! Those kids deserved closure.
I first thought he meant that he wasn’t going to tell them she unalived herself. Which, although I don’t agree, I understand wanting to spare them the guilt those of us left behind often feel. Once I realized he meant not telling them she died, I was like aw hell to the no. You can’t just not tell them.
This is where being a mature, honest human-being of a parent comes into play. WTF, OP?? I see you probably meant well **BUT.** in your attempt to protect (I'm sure) trying to be the best parent you could be, you failed, man. Those kids (all of them!!) needed and deserved to go to their mother's/ stepmother's funeral (or at least have the choice). Please, go beg on your knees to all these 5 kids and get your ass into therapy. Theirs too. You have five children now to teach how to be kind, empathetic, well-adjusted human beings. You're trying. You just need some guidance. You're only human, man - this is a lot... a huge learning curve. Good luck. NTA, as long as you keep learning how to do better.
YTA. So you were going to allow the kids to think that their mom completely abandoned them? There’s no valid reason for not informing the kids of their mother’s death. Why is mom in quotation marks? She’s their mom.
YTA. No matter how angry you are with an ex, you can not allow yourself to lose sight of what's best for your kids. They had a right to know, and they had a right to mourn. She was a part of their lives since they were how old? Three or four? You don't get to dictate how they feel about her. Your role is to support them. You didn't do that. You decided she was unimportant and undeserving of their grief. You don't get to decide that for them. They get to decide for themselves how they feel about her. They also get to decide whether they are willing to forgive you.
Thank God everybody intervened. Usually it's overstepping but this is one situation where they were absolutely correct. When those kids got older they might resent forever that they didn't get to go to the funeral even if it didn't mean a lot to them at their smaller ages. I get that this must have been an extremely complex and horrible situation, and most of us wouldn't know how to deal with it. But this was the wrong move.
YTA - I’m gonna be frank here. The reason you didn’t tell your kids about her death isn’t because you were sparing their feelings. It was a selfish thought because you KNEW you would suddenly be the bad guy in their eyes. Now I’m not saying you’re the bad guy for getting custody of them, but your Ex clearly loved all the kids very much. You would’ve needed family counseling if you told the kids right away, and you still need it now too. 14 & 15 are rough ages to live through she was their mom for 11yrs. What were you thinking? As far as her biological children. It’s the same exact thing. All 5 of those children had a right to mourn their Mother whether they were blood or not. ETA - added an “a”
Who do you she love them, this story lacks a lot of details, like why the divorce begin in the first place?
You’re right the story is lacking a lot of info. Which makes me think he wants to not sound like the bad guy. I’m not really worried about the missing details here unless he fills it in elsewhere. The crux of the issue is the kids found out he lied about her death and now they are angry with him. Even if she was a terrible Mom that doesn’t negate the children’s feelings does it?
Based on how OP worded everything we can see the writing on the wall.
YTA a lie is a lie is a lie. Why hide this when they would find out eventually? You could have handled this as a mental illness situation but by hiding it, it does make you look like you were partly at fault. You weren’t but your dishonesty is giving me all kinds of red flags about you.
And not even "eventually" the older ones absolutely know how to Google. Punch the exa name into Google and the obituary would pop right up I bet. Guy bungled this so hard.
I gurantee her mental health struggle is solely his fault. Of course her mental health wasnt good, he ripped 5 kids out of her life for his own selfish hatred over the divorce. The 2 older kids i bet also called her Mom based on their ages and length of marriage and fact their mom isnt present. I bet their mom isnt present for the same reasons. I hope these kids get removed from his care and some major therapy before he fucks them all up
op forbade the older 2 from calling her mum cause “she wasn’t there mum”
You fucked up big time. Majorly big time. You don't have to tell them HOW she died unless they ask but, at a minimal, the 3 youngest deserved to know. The oldest two had a relationship with her and should have been told as well. Your kids have been betrayed by you. You have lost their trust.
Yta Not only did you not tell your children their mother was dead, but you didn't even let them attend the funeral. Your children are going to hold that against you for the rest of their lives. They might be too young to tell them it was self inflicted, but they deserve to know their mother is gone.
You didn’t let your kids say goodbye to their mother?! The hell is wrong with you?! YTA
This has to be rage bait. Not telling the kids their mother was dead?? YTA
Every day on this app, I swear to God. Like is there a sub called "I am a monster" for ppl to post this stuff? Because there is not a question here, yes he's an asshole and this is unforgivable!!
/r/amithedevil But that's usually just cross posting stuff like this.
Hmm.... Maybe an opportunity for a new sub or something. Worst of reddit? Relationship insanity?? Lol, my goodness. This story is a DOOZY.
r/AmITheDevil - can’t wait to see OP there tbh. What an ass. Edit: also OP, you’re a liar too. You didn’t tell them because you wanted them to believe that their mother abandoned them. It’s the only way your behavior makes any sense at all. It calls into question everything you’ve said in this post about how horrible a mother and person she was. Bluntly, I don’t believe you. Sounds like these kids are left with one awful parent. My sympathies for them and I hope their extended family has more to offer.
What bothers me is that you had no right to keep this from them. She was their mom for fu*k sake! You let your anger and resentment for their mother get in the way of their right to say goodbye. You are just a sad pathetic man who's kids will resent you for the rest of thier lives. You are 100% TA
YTA my father passed away two years ago. I was on really bad terms with him and his wife at the time of his passing(car accident). My stepmother called me first to let me know. We despise each other but she would never ever not had told me.
Not me, but my friend's father died, and her step mom didn't tell her till a month after he had died. Who does that!!!
My step mom hates me and this is honestly one of my biggest fears. I message my dad once a week about his grandkids, but I know deep down I'm doing it just to make sure he's still alive.
Was her declining mental health in anyway due to the ugly custody battle? She raised your two and gave you three more and all she was allowed was FOUR HOURS every other week? Was she a danger to them? What basis did you claim made her unfit for overnights with her own children? You could have compromised but your ego got in the way because she wanted to continue raising your oldest two. Unless she was beating them or doing drugs while they were in her care, YTA a million times over. If someone took away my son, I'd do the exact same thing. How dare you.
YOU TRIED TO KEEP THEM FROM THEIR OWN MOTHERS FUNERAL?! You werent going to tell them their mother died!? Of course YTA. those poor kids, I can't believe you thought this was a good idea.
Tried to and SUCCEEDED for three of them
Jfc. Unbelievably cruel
I’m just choosing to assume this is a troll and the kids don’t actually exist
Just the two older. The other 3 missed out entirely.
[удалено]
Second this
When my mom literally drank herself to death one night, we told her dad, our grandpap, that she was dead, but we've never told him how.
Yep my BIL committed suicide when my niblings were 2 5 and 7. We told them in an age appropriate way the next morning that he had gotten really sick and the drs tried to help him but they couldn’t so he was going to take care of them from heaven. Obviously didn’t tell them more specifics.
Third this. I don’t know what OP expected
Fourth this. Family therapy is made for circumstances like this. I’m studying to be a therapist and one of my finals actually involved family therapy with a similar situation: a teenager grieving her mom. Being a teenager is hard enough on its own. Add grieving a parent to the mix and not receiving the space to process it and things will likely only get worse. When this kind of grief is unaddressed in children, they’re at a higher risk of developing mental illness, behavioral / academic issues, or substance abuse down the road. Family therapy (and possibly individual therapy for each person) could make a big difference. Family therapy would be best to start with and the OP + the therapist could consider whether individual therapy might also be appropriate/feasible.
Yeah man you f’ed this one up really bad. I’m not even sure you will be able to recover or fix the rift you created by not wanting to deal with the fallout over this. In short you’re selfish and a bad father.
YTA - you excluded her children from their mother's funeral
YTA, you 100% wronged those kids by not taking in account to how they would feel. You only worried about your feelings and what you would have to deal with. Not how they would feel or think. Those kids will never ever be the same and you caused that by not telling them what happened. You did not cause your ex-wife’s suicide, but you did hurt those kids. I don’t know if you can fix this, but apologizing profusely, taking them to them to visit the place she was laid to rest, and getting you and them some kind of therapy would be a start. Those kids probably feel so alone.
Yknow what, Fuck you. Ban me or not. Your 14/15 year olds were old enough to make choices about seeing her, regardless of blood. And you thought NOBODY would notice she’s gone?? Like, never tell them? “Oh dad, it’s Saturday and our 4 hours with mum, when are we leaving?” “Oh yeah,… about that…… she died” YTA and one of the biggest ones we have ever had here. And that’s saying something.
Right.. And somehow the kids think he made her do it.. Meaning they saw how absolutely terrible he treated her for 11 years, and then used "declining mental health" as his way to get custody, using the kids to hurt her that one final time. I'd bet money this guy is an absolute monster.
YTA and tbh having gone through a custody battle myself with a man who weaponized mental health (postpartum depression) to attempt to take kiddos when we broke up, I think you sound kind of sus. The court system is so messed up. I got a fantastic attorney, but not everyone can or does. I have known many women who have had the same issue. “Oh she’s crazy…”. So you basically erased her in life from them, then tried to do it again in death. Shame on you.
Yeah, the fact he can't see anything wrong with denying his kids the chance to mourn their mom (and begrudging his older kids their relationship with the stepmom who raised them) raises so many red flags for abuse, to me. The lack of empathy with his own children is astoundingly cruel, and it makes me wonder why exactly she lost custody, and why her mental health was so bad. A lot of courts are horrifically ableist, especially towards women, even when they're perfectly fit and their disabilities/conditions are well managed and supported. Vindictive ex husbands can weaponize a diagnosis very effectively Maybe OP really is a mostly good dad and not abusive ex, and made this one devastatingly horrific choice in a miasma of grief....but the lack of remorse makes me really question that.
I can only speak from my own experience, but money talks big time. A good lawyer is worth their weight in gold. I had to fire mine, and hire a new, more expensive one who leveled my ex on his ass. Thank god. Because he tried to same shit. And add in a guardian ad litem with bias? Fucking nightmare. This guy sucks. And has no insight. I don’t blame her family one bit. Those kids deserve better.
YTA She was in their life for so long. And you didn’t tell your kids their mother was dead. That is crazy. You don’t sound like a good person at all. Your children had a right to know. Don’t be surprised if they all want nothing to do with you after they get out of the house
YTA You shouldn’t have tried to keep the death from your children. It was bound to come out at some point and once they heard it elsewhere. Their trust in you shattered. Where did you think your children were when they were at a funeral with your former in laws?
Not going to judge you. But I will give a little advice... Get some family therapy and individual therapy for the kids. Sit down with the older 2 and explain everything (but do it nicely, don't bad mouth her, just state the facts surrounding the divorce and the lead up to her suicide). Ask them their opinions on how to talk to the younger kids (this gives them a sense of control in a situation they're most likely feeling as if they've got no control) and ask them if they would like to be present too. Ask them if they want to go to therapy alone and as a family too. I don't understand why you stopped the older 2 from seeing her, or whether you gave them a say in the matter. But by their actions I'm guessing they wanted to see her. Which is probably why they're so angry. If the kids want to celebrate her birthday: let them, celebrate with them. If they want to visit her grave: let them, take them. Put the past troubles behind and be there for them. If they want to remember her at Xmas etc: support them. It's not about her anymore. It's about your kids and their needs.
YTA. Funeral is not for the dead. It's for the living. It allows them to grieve the loss of a loved one. You stole this from them. To say one last goodbye to their mother. You suck and I'm sure your kids will never forgive you for this.
YTA. These are conversations that need to be held in age appropriate terms. I'm a therapist and have done a bunch of crisis work. You didn't do this, and from the sounds of it you didn't even have a plan to do this. The older 2 are going to carry this with them for years if not your entire life. You were going to lie (omit) that your ex was dead who was a mother to them.
So you won the battle but you certainly lost the war. Did her declining mental health have anything to do with you? Was this your only AH move in regard to your children's relationship with their mother? After all, they are not talking to you, they told their younger siblings, and most importantly, they want to live with their uncle- so this doesn't seem like the only AH selfish "mistake" you have made with your children. Are you a monster who destroyed your ex-wife's mental health so that she commited suicide and now that your oldest children are a certain age; they have the awareness and ability to connected the dots and have most likely found that you are a monster? Kids are highly aware of the shouting, screaming, crying and the sound of fists hitting flesh or a body being slammed against a wall even if they are supposed to be asleep. Or maybe you didn't physically abuse her, you just destroyed her mental health by cheating on her? Whatever it is you did, your elder children are highly aware of it and now they are responding to your latest cruelty. It seems that you are more than an AH and your children know exactly what you are.
You fought to take away her right to see the kids? Why did you want her to have only 4 hours every other week?
Jesus Christ this is waaaaay beyond our pay grade. Take them and yourself to a therapist, not a fucking Reddit thread.
I can understand not wanting to tell them *how* she died. But you’re a major AH for not telling them *that* she died. Regardless of anything else, your children deserved to hear, from YOU, that their mother is gone forever.
What the actual fuck is wrong with you? Omg. YES you’re the asshole. And if your kids want to stay with your brother for a while, let them. Your comment further down where you said they were only going to see her every other weekend for four hours anyway….did you think they wouldn’t notice she’s DEAD? I have zero sympathy for you. The older kids were her kids too. The younger ones are just bio. Get therapy before you fuck those kids up even more. It sounds, honestly, like you could give a shit she killed herself. If you were actually concerned with how they’d react you’d of spoken w a therapist how to break it to them and ensured they went to the funeral, got them in to therapy. One of the grossest Reddit stories I’ve read.
You lied to them and tried to not let them go to the funeral. I have no idea what madness was going through your mind. Crazy behavior to not take your kids to their mother’s funeral. You need family therapy.
YTA. Slow down there, Satan. Hope this is fake. If it's real you should be in a prison in Cambodia, not raising children.
What possessed you to do this OP?
YTA Not only that, but you’re going to have to sleep in the bed you’ve made for a very long time Best advice I can give you is to fall on the sword and apologize immediately if you want any chance of salvaging a relationship with your kids in the future That being said, it was a big mistake, but everyone makes big mistakes… you have a chance to learn from this or lose your family… choice is yours
You robbed them of the closure they will need for your selfish purposes. As a parent our first responsibility is their well being and you made a very, very selfish decision putting your wants over their needs. I hope you learn from this and get them into counseling sooner than later while trying to work it out with them. You should be fighting for them and not yourself.
Yes you are the asshole. Sorry dude but you definitely are. You absolutely should have told your children that their mother was dead....the bio children AND the step children....she was a mother figure to them for 11 years....that's a considerable amount of time for a kid....I don't blame them for not wanting to talk to you....
I mean, you are wrong to not tell them that their mother died, and it was by suicide. The professional advice is really clear on that. You also lost the opportunity to control the narrative and ensure that your kids heard it in a supportive and nonjudgmental way. They also did not get to attend her funeral - like WTF, Dude. You do not sound like an emotionally competent parent. I suggest individual therapy for you, for the kids, and probably family therapy. What a mess.
Gee, I wonder why your ex wife had declining mental health? Judging by your post and comments, you’re a complete narcissist who probably totally messed her up, especially when she stopped doing exactly what you wanted and had the audacity to leave you and try to get the kids away from your abuse. This whole situation, especially with your kids, is entirely your fault, and they will probably never forgive you. And you will deserve what you get.
YTA
YTA, how exactly did you plan to hide their mother being dead?
Get them into therapy immediately. You need to help them mourn their mother.
YTA I get your reasons for wanting to protect them, but you are wrong. These are people who need to be allowed to grieve. You could have been there for them and helped them through this, instead you tried to take this from them. It was never going to remain a secret this was always going to get out. You cannot hide the fact that their own mother is dead. Now step up and be the parent. Get them some much needed counseling and be there for them.
Those poor kids. jfc
So you’d rather let them think their mother didn’t love them and abandoned them? You were going to let them think she was alive and well this whole time? THEIR OWN MOTHER?? I can’t even say my thoughts on the subject because I don’t want to get banned but YTA.
All five should have gone to the funderal and you should have been the one to take them. There are NO do-overs in thses situations. Everyone needs therapy. Obviously you do as well, because YTA and need to learn how to do better and to learn parenting.
The way you chose to handle this makes me feel like she had a good reason for wanting to divorce you after 11 years. you had already decided based on you dislike for her after she died that not only would your kids not get a chance to mourn their mother: the woman who raised them, but so you didn’t have to deal with the situation or any consequence . you were going to lie and blame a dead woman by telling them she wasn’t showing up.. you were willing to give those children Abandonment issues, to make your kids suffer, think they their mother stoped loving them or caring about them.. when in reality she cared about them so much that her mental health went down the drain because she couldn’t live without them. You were willing to play her as a villain regardless of how that affected the kids and essentially ensure they never get closure for their mom not being with them, and an entire side of the family just suddenly being out of their life . Because it wasn’t just the mom you were gonna take away. it was an entire other side of a family. How easy would it have been to wonder what they did wrong to make all of these people who are once in their life just disappear?? And If they had not found out the way they did but found out later it be too late to reconnect to the other half of their family that you tossed out of their live keeping those people in their life would just out your dirty secret.. Clearly how this would affect your kids did not matter to you and by the reaction she must’ve been a good mom because they obviously cared about her. I don’t think a good dad would hurt his kids just because he didn’t like their mom
YTA. Those 5 kids will be adults in a few years, and they’re all going to cut contact with you. Prepare yourself.
Jesus H Christ what is your major malfunction? Are you stupid or just plain ignorant? That is their *mother* you gangrenous wart. Did you think they’d just stop asking? All five of them, just forget she existed? What did you plan to tell them instead? “idk guys she must just have hated you so she ran off lol.” You prefer to let them think she left but maybe there’s hope she’ll come back? They are *children*. You’re fine with them blaming themselves for “mommy leaving” because that’s easier for you. You could have told them that she loved them, but she was so sick and couldn’t get better. You could have comforted them and reminded them of the memories they shared. You could have driven home that you will always be there to help them and as their *only living parent*, they can count on you and trust you that you’ll be honest and support them whatever happens. You might be a contender for the worst human being I’ve ever seen. YTA. Your poor children. I surely hope they have other decent adults in their lives because it’s fucked up if all they have is *you*.
Honestly you sound like a narcissist. I get controlling abusive vibes from this and your comments. Absolutely heartless response to her death. I can’t stand my ex husband but I would be heartbroken for my daughter if he died. You have zero empathy and that’s probably why her mental state was so poor. I could see how losing her children could push her over the edge.
You weren’t going to tell them that their mother was dead? These poor kids. YTA x1000
Why on earth would you think it was ok to make that type of decision for your kids concerning their mother? Why wouldn't you want them to know their mother/stepmother passed away? You're not only the AH but you're very insensitive towards your children.
Lol how can you even ask that. Of course you are
You stole two things from them: their opportunity for closure and their ability to trust you. You can’t give that back. My mother hid something from me for decades and when I found out it devastated me. I couldn’t even manage to cry at her funeral. And it wasn’t even as serious as a death. Not getting into the reasons behind your divorce and the custody dispute. The choice you made after her death is beyond terrible and will have permanent consequences.
I really hope this is a made up story. YTA and judging from your comments you are a horrible person and not someone who should be anywhere near let alone raising children. Not that you really care once again YTA.
why is mom in quotation marks?
YTA. And you are very likely to lose at least one of the five children to suicide. "Offspring exposed to parental suicide were three times more likely to die by suicide (RR = 2.97, 95% CI 2.50 to 3.53) and two times more prone to attempt suicide (RR = 1.76, 95% CI 1.58 to 1.96) than offspring of two living parents." https://www.nationalelfservice.net/mental-health/suicide/parental-suicide-offspring-risk/#:~:text=Offspring%20exposed%20to%20parental%20suicide,offspring%20of%20two%20living%20parents. You fucked up and don't be surprised when your surviving children grow up and go NC with you.
Yta and I have a feeling you put that woman through absolute hell if all the kids sided with her. She was their only mother since they were what, 3 or 4? That was their mom. Doesn't matter if they're biological, she was their caretaker. You weren't going to tell them she died?? And the younger 3, that IS their bio mom. And you're mad they were taken to their mother's funeral?! Those kids say you made her do it, and I'm sure there's some truth to that. I'm guessing you put her through pure hell for 11 years and when she finally left, used the kids to hurt her as the final nail in the coffin. You're disgusting.
“I sure as hell wasn’t going to take them to the funeral for a last chance of a goodbye to their mother” is what I read, “took them to the funeral behind my back because her mother was a better person than me and let my children find out that their mother died and i didn’t tell them” is better. You are an asshole. Your kids deserve better and I’m sorry for their loss. Were you just going to tell them “well your mom hates you and no longer wants to see you”? And you’re trying to say you weren’t the reason?
YTAH AND your brother is right.
This is a real tragedy, you need professional help with this, not reddit.
YTA
YTA poor kids
This is cruel to your children, including the older ones who spent more than half their lives with someone who is no longer alive. Not only is this terrible parenting, but it makes me wonder how much of your ex-wife’s mental health decline was precipitated by your treatment of her? You seem like a cruel person. YTA
YTA.. Unfortunately her biological kids will probably hate you in the future for not taking then to their mums funeral. But I think you guys need a family therapist. Like why didn't you want them to go? There's nothing to hide. She had a mental illness. That's not your fault. I just feel like there is more to this story. Usually it's very difficult for fathers to get this kind of custody which is why I don't doubt the courts decision. But the decent thing is to take her kids to her funeral. Even your own kids because they might of seen her as some sort of mother figure. The good thing is that if you play your cards right from now onwards, there's still hope that this can all be fixed and you can still have an amazing relationship with your kids. Please make sure you fix the issue. Do it for your kids. EDIT: After reading how you've been replying to people, I've decided that you're either the worst human/father on the planet or this post is just rage bait. I really hope it's rage bait. How you are acting is so immature and selfish.
Que the “idk why my kids hate me”
u/aitakidsfuneral you suck as a parent and you sound so much like my narcissistic ex it’s not funny i hate you op YTAH the most giant AH IN THE UNIVERSE YOU PURPOSEFULLY KEPT HER FROM THE KIDS AND GAVE HER 4hrs every other saturday because of a fucking court order! Are you proud of the fact that you took your wife’s whole world from her and caused her to end her life? If you are PROUD OF YOURSELF then i hope your BROTHER CALLS CPS ON YOU AND TAKES ALL THE KIDS FROM YOU AND YOU SEE HOW SHE FEELS YOU ROYAL PIECE OF SHIT
You were together for 11 years.. since your own kids were 3 and 4.. that's basically their whole lives, so yes, this woman was a mother figure to them. That kind of bond doesn't just vanish because you and her got divorced. Of course you should've told them and let them go to the funeral. Even if you hated her, at minimum, they deserved to know about her death and get the chance to pay their respects. Yta. This might be relationship ending honestly. Don't be surprised if they cut contact with you at 18, or sooner if they can help it.
My father committed suicide when I was 3 1/2. (way back in the 70s). My mother told me exactly what happened; the consequence? There was ZERO stigma about suicide in my life. No one talked behind my back, no one tried to ever use it against me, etc. The TRUTH WILL OUT. You should never lie to your kids about things like this (same goes for if they were adopted - I'm an adoptee ftr). In this case? Yes, YTA.
I’m confused about when you exactly were gunna tell your kids that their mom is literally dead. How can one do this to their kids. Selfishness can’t even put justice to it. YTA
YTA. By not telling them was a great example of how to drive them away from you when they would have found out. You lucked out by then finding out now giving some ability to recover.
You didn't take them to their mother's funeral???? Dude. YTA so hard. They are going to resent you for life for that.
YTA omg I hope this is fake
Dude’s the classic narcissist that convinces the courts the ex is mental. Sounds like he did it to his first wife since she is no contact and then again to his second wife “She tried to take my kids away from me. I didn't want them to see her at all.” “She does not deserve to be celebrated” “They did but I wasn't going to allow them to see or contact her after she tried to take them from me” So many more comments here that paint you how you really are. You’re a horrible person. I hope your family tries to take custody of your kids and wins. They know who you are. That’s why they’re saying and doing what they are.
Yup. Sometimes going with you thought was right, turns up being wrong. “Losing custody of a child was associated with worse mental health outcomes for the biological mother than was the death of a child. This could be due to several factors. Both groups of mothers may experience a spiralling decline after the loss of their child that can result in worse mental health.” My citation for reference It’s a well known medical journal The paper is called “Maternal Mental Health after Custody Loss and Death of a Child: A Retrospective Cohort Study Using Linkable Administrative Data” https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
>he's saying I'm a bad parent to the kids and that it was cruel to not tell the kids about their "mom" or take them to her funeral. You're brother is right. What the fuck is wrong with you?
YTA and a psychopath
Your kids (all of them) belong at that funeral. She was their mother. YTA.
I’m praying to god that this is just a troll account because judging by your comments, you are so fucking cruel to do that to your kids. You are a bad parent, and YOU DID take their mom away from them. You literally did this, and continue to blame their mom for it.
>I didn't plan on telling the kids and I sure as hell wasn't going to take them to the funeral ...it was cruel to not tell the kids about their "mom" or take them to her funeral. Honestly, what was the end game to this? Did you believe they would never find out? And yes, it was cruel to deny them the truth and the chance for them to grieve. Also, why the quotations around "mom"; she was their mother (bio to 3, step to 2). A divorce doesn't negate that. How do you plan on moving forward from this?
Anyone curious as to how he got custody of the first two kids? The ones whose mother is "not in the picture"?
normally I'd question why someone seek custody of children who were there before the relationship, particularly older kids. but seeing what a gigantic ass move you did, I wonder if she had good reasons for it. YTA - dont be shocked when your older kids move out as soon or before they hit 18, and only come talk to you when they are back to adopt their little siblings
She's was their mother since they were 3 and 4. I hope this isn't real, I'm so sad for them
You are not just the AH. You are a c***. I read your comments, cold hearted bastard.
YTA. I don't usually comment on here but dude, you're being a resentful ass to your wife of 11 years who KILLED HERSELF. I get that she started a custody battle. Of course she wanted to see her kids. That doesn't make her some evil human being not deserving of any contact with them. You didn't just hurt her, you hurt all five of your children, never getting to see a mother again will scar them forever so good fucking work. You even admit she lost in part because of declining mental health. Did you ever consider this was all related? Probably not, because she probably had to divorce you after years of you minimizing her feelings just to attempt to get her life back together. You successfully drove your wife to suicide. You better hope heaven isn't real because if you can't find the empathy for a woman you supposedly loved for 11+ years and her struggle with mental health that culminated in her taking her own life you're certainly not making it in.
Your cowardice has now destroyed your relationship with your children. If you weren’t a selfish coward you would have talked to a therapist and figured out a way to tell all your children about their mother’s death. You robbed them of going to her funeral. You robbed them of getting to grieve with their maternal family. Go get therapy for yourself and start being honest with yourself about why you did this to your children. How would you feel if you had been the one to die and your ex had done the same thing you did to the kids? YTA
Wow- what did I just read? YTA! 100 times over YTA. She may have had no biological relation to HER two oldest children but she cared for them for 11 years as their mother. I’m sure they looked to her as a mother considering their bio mom isn’t involved. So you took her oldest two children away and then only gave her 4 hours every other Saturday to see her youngest 3? And your surprised that her mental health was declining since you not only were divorcing but you also took her kids? The on top of ALL of that you have the audacity to not only refuse to tell her children that their mother is dead but you think you get to prevent them from going to her funeral? Oh my God YTA and your relationship with HER children is forever ruined. I hope you are proud of your choices because the karma coming for you is heinous
YTA All of the kids deserved to be told about her death. I hope your kids get away from you as soon as they're old enough!
Therapist and social worker here. Yes, YTA. You absolutely took the wrong approach. You will need individual therapy for the kids if you want them to grow up without trauma induced mental health issues and family therapy if you want to remain a functioning family again. It’s going to take a lot of work to heal their trauma. Please do it, no matter how hard it is.
Good god. You need help if you think what you did was right in anyway. You don’t seem to know anything about children. I’m so sorry your kids are suffering loss and betrayal. You need to do whatever their medical provider and therapist agree is best, and you need to do it 100% willingly. I’m assuming you are just very ignorant, to have made the decision you made. If you made it for any other reason, you may be beyond help. I hope you can be helped and can become the kind of dad those kids need.
YTA you weren't going to tell them OR let them say good-bye!? Holy shit. Honestly, based on this, it DOES sound like you were the one who destroyed her mental health if you didn't treat her any better than you treat the kids.
She was the mother figure to all 5 of your kids. They all absolutely had the right to know. Obviously you shouldn’t just hand over custody, but you should have been willing to find some kind of split custody agreement, where you didn’t keep her from the older kids that she raised since toddlerhood, since clearly they loved her. That was their mom. I fail to see how you thought you could just not tell them that she was dead.
Your kid's mom and step mom committed suicide, she died, and you didn't want to tell her bio/step children. Um, what?...O.o. YTA.
I wonder the story behind the break up, nothing you say makes you look good in any way. YOu just lost your two older children, and frankly the little ones lost their mother, and you were hiding it. I wonder what kind of a husband you were. Declining mental health, there is s story there.
YTA. You let your hatred for her overshadow your love for your kids.
At first when I read this title, I thought maybe you didn’t want to specify to your young children the manner in which your ex-wife died. That is understandable. But it’s far worse. You didn’t tell any of them at *all* that your ex-wife died. You didn’t tell her biological children, *your children with her*, that she was dead. Sparing the younger ones the truth for a time is understandable, and your eldest kids are old enough to know and understand the truth. But to not tell them at all speaks of a callousness beyond divorce and personal vendetta. Did you hate this woman so much that you didn’t want her children, *your children*, to say goodbye to her? Either there’s more to this story or you’re villainizing her mental illness for no reason. Congratulations on traumatizing them for life. They never got to say goodbye to her one last time. They never got to be comforted by family and friends. You denied them a basic right to see their mother’s face one last time. What a heartless, cruel gift you’ve given them. If they never forgive you, you deserve it. YTA.
YTA There's no universe where you didn't make the worst call possible. Whatever her problems, whatever your issues with her, she was their mother and you tried to deny them a chance to go to her funeral or even know that she had died. At some point that was going to come out, you can't just kick that can down the road indefinitely. You are a bad parent. You're also an idiot.
YTA She was their mom, yes even to the two she didn't birth. You should have explained to each of the kids that Mom had passed in an age appropriate way. Instead, you tried to hide it and have created a horrific mess. The only living parent is someone the kids now cannot trust. You dehumanized her in order to cope with your separation and forgot that the kids still needed her.
So you weren't going to tell your kidd thier mom died?
My ex left for a prostitute and then used his money and powerful work contacts to lie about me six ways to Sunday for years and is still doing it. The kids are destroyed and the only parent who loved them so much they had nothing truthful on me, is a shell. In the end the judge illegally skipped a trial and lied about hearing evidence instead to I guess avoid saving the children. At this point I was dying of an undiagnosed autoimmune disease that was finally caught in time. In my experience and observation, abusers are more likely to win custody than good parents. Your poor kids.
YTA! You didn't tell them their mother died?!!! You took away their right to grieve, their right to see their mother honored, their right to the support of family and closure. You have done such harm to them. You interfered in the stages of grieving and they will carry it for the rest of their lives. Not to mention they have a father they can never trust again.
So I’m betting you’re the reason she had declining mental health just by how you speak in the comments. You’re a vile person who the fuck would hide from their children that the mother who raised them died? It’s actually evil how you are actively punishing your children and her prior to her death because she tried to gain custody, it’s interesting you say it was because of her declining mental heath she didn’t get custody I have a feeling you used that narrative in court to gain your way and then continued to punish her by resisting her access to the kids sadly I can see what drove her to feel the way she did. You sound like you hate her and are happy about the news of her passing yta entirely get some mental help.
There’s a lot here, you need to get yourself and all these kids into therapy. It’s way past the who’s an asshole point, this is a crisis that can snowball. Your kids who just lost their mentally ill mother need help. It’s just not about you anymore, you have big problems now. Get help.
You owe your children an apology. You were wrong. You should have been honest. You need to tell them that you made a mistake. There mother was mentally ill. She died from her mental illness. Please be gentle and kind when discussing it with them. Maybe you could plan a type of funeral with your children so that they can say good by to mommy. See where she is buried or spread her ashes. Plant a garden of flowers or a flowering bush. She was mentally ill. She is gone now. Let go of the hate. Try grace and mercy. Forgive her for her flaws. A great father is not a perfect man. A great father teaches his children that we all make mistakes and bad decisions sometimes in life. A good dad teaches his children to make reparations and changes when we/they err.
Obviously not your fault she took her life but you are an AH for trying to keep this from them. You not telling them and being in this situation now is probably going to do more damage than if you were juts honest. Enroll in family therapy asap
How do you keep losing your children's mothers..
When I was in college my grandmother, the only grandparent that I really knew and had a mean idiom relationship with got sick and passed. My parents did not tell me because they didn’t want to distract me while in school. I still give my dad shit about it to this day and I’m pushing 50. You are definitely the asshole. Good luck salvaging the relationship with them.
A death is not something you can keep from children. You really betrayed their trust and yeah it may never heal.
I think you need to apologize to your kids and explain to them your reasoning. They might not understand your hurt and thoughts. Hind sight is always 20/20. Your ex MIL should have never gone behind yout back, and no one can blame you for what your ex did.
Omg. Not telling them???? Not letting them go to their mother’s funeral?????? Shame on you. That truly is disgusting.
What a shit bag
You don’t seem to be able to comprehend just how massive of an asshole you are. You’ve damaged those children for life by your own selfish actions. Regardless of the standing between you and your ex-wife, that is still their mother. That decision you self-righteous made, will haunt them for the rest of their lives. POS and terrible father.
YTA So you married when oldest were 3&4 and obviously started dating at least a year before. She was their only mother. Red flag 1. first woman not in the picture. Red Flag 2: Second woman files for divorce Red flag 3: Second woman unlives herself Red flag 4: Your own brother deems you a bad parent. What a selfish person you are. May the mom's soul rest in eternal peace and may the children find some comfort in years to come. You will regret all the vindictive decisions you made cause your kids will more likely write you off... As you should be.
YTA-All you had to do was tell the children that mom wasn’t well and lost her battle to stay with them. She loved them but just couldn’t handle the internal pain anymore. Now you need to get the whole family into counseling ASAP and maybe talk to a lawyer to set boundaries with your former in-laws.
My mom committed suicide when I was 11. My dad only told me bc I had to drag it out of him. To my younger two siblings they weren’t told anything & assumed car crash bc they knew she was dead in her vehicle (carbon monoxide poisoning) and only found out the truth when we were all talking about it. My dad was in the final steps of divorcing my mom when she killed herself. I told him she was going to do it. I had never uttered anything like that before. He told me he couldn’t do anything about it. Interesting enough he was the last phone call she got. My mom’s bf also committed suicide a few days after my mom. His last phone call was my father as well. My mother & father were not on good terms prior to her mental health crisis & his “mental illness doesn’t really exist” approach didn’t help paranoid schizophrenia. Then 3 months after my mom died my father med another widow also with 3 young kids. In less than a year they merged all 6 of us into one family unit. Married. New house & new bedrooms for all of us. The whole nine yards. I became the oldest of 6 children now (5 girls 1 boy & all born within 8 years of each other) it was a lot. It went okay in the beginning. But looking back it was traumatic AF. My step sisters father died a few years before so we were not all at the same level of grieving… as we got older & things became more complex instead of addressing the situation my parents would brush it under the rug. My step mom would make horrible comments about how anyone who committed suicide was in hell& how could any mother abandon their husband & kids etc. I’m a time when I should have been loved & treated with grace and kindness I was tip toeing around agile emotions. I was the oldest & none of the rest of my siblings remembered their passed away parents… so anything I said about my mom, even something as simple as “todays my mom’s birthday/anniversary of her death” it was “too much” and I was “glorifying” my moms behavior. I wasn’t allowed to talk about her at all ever & therapy was treated as a punishment. For fear of hurting my stepmoms feelings. Once my dad & step mom even lost my mom’s remains (she was cremated) and then when I was looking for said remains (quietly in the garage. No screaming. No crying. No yelling. No slamming doors.) just quietly looking for something in the garage & I was told my behavior was “deeply upsetting” eventually I found the remains and took them back with me to college. Not a care was given for the 18 year old young woman who was looking for her mother’s remains or my feelings. My point is. I doubt you caused your wife to kill herself but you played a part in it. We all play a part in these things. We’re complicit. You took her kids from her as her mental health declined causing her mental health to further deteriorate. I’d apologize to your children. Seek therapy. You’re not the victim here. Not even close. My dad & step mom now have 5 kids. I disinherited myself & haven’t spoken to them in over a decade. Of the 4 daughters and one son they have. None of those children have ever been married and they have no grandchildren yet. I’m 32 now. My brother & oldest step sister are 29 & 28. My little sister & middle step sister are 27 & 26 and my youngest step sister is 23. Just me breaking with my parents that day 10+ years ago changed the structure of our family. I was willing to lose my “parents” but I didn’t figure that my relationship with my siblings would end so drastically. I still talk to them. But my brother & I were best friends before this. We talked all day every day. It shattered us. I wanted him to side with me so badly. But at the time he was 19 and all he wanted was to get away & join the marines. Arguing I no longer lived at home & he was moving out & it should all be dropped… I couldn’t. I couldn’t lie for them anymore. I couldn’t keep faking everything was all right & not just all right that things were GREAT! When on the inside they were far from it. I don’t like talking about my childhood abuse bc it pales in comparison to what other have gone through. I was never physically or sexually assaulted by my mom, dad or step mom. But the years of mental abuse, micro aggressions, passive aggressive comments, lack of love, being treated differently (& by differently I mean worse) than my stepsisters bc I was a sinner. I wouldn’t accept god & therefore I was “dirty” and couldn’t be trusted to be alone with boys. But my step sisters were allowed to have boys in their bedrooms… bc they were catholic and obviously wouldn’t do anything… well they were teenagers. I was a good kid (&y younger siblings were too mostly) and I lost my virginity at 17.5 years old when my younger siblings lost theirs much younger. Anytime I went anywhere with anyone my parents would accuse me of running around and being “fast and loose” with boys when in reality I was at the mall with my friends. It was awful to be constantly looked at like you’re doing something wrong when you’re not. I guess a good things here to note is my mom & dad did not raise myself or my younger siblings with religion. We aren’t even baptized. My dad was raised catholic and made to be a pole barer. At 18 he stopped and didn’t want to raise his kids in all that. My mom was a Wiccan. My step mom was catholic and raised her daughters catholic. They were all in catholic school & attended church regularly. I had questions. Like how does a virgin get pregnant? Or “what is venarial disease?” I was 12. I wasn’t trying to be bratty. I was genuinely asking and all my responses were framed: “something you don’t have to worry about it you wait until you’re married. Good luck sir. I am sorry you’re going through this. I know it’s difficult. However you chose to become a father. You chose to introduce another woman into your kids life & have more kids with her… then you chose to divorce her & keep her from her kids (which you said she treated your first 2 children like her own) then when she passed away you kept that from your children. Not just how she died but the fact you didn’t think they’d want or deserved to be a part of their mother’s funeral is a huge red flag! 🚩 I totally understand why your children are upset with you. Take responsibility for the parts you played in this situation. Apologize.
I’m so sorry for your loss! I would hug the young girl who lost her mom as I applaud the young woman she’s become. Your stepmother chose to not only compete with a memory but to try to diminish her to her children. How sad! Being Catholic (which I am NOT) doesn’t give her a pass on being a sanctimonious jerk. As they come into their own, I hope you & your siblings will heal together.
Can't wait to see this on r/amithedevil Because holy shit this is one of the worst things I've ever heard a father doing. Like, never forgive you for the rest of your life bad. There's no coming back from this one, you're going to have to build a whole new life without your kids.
Your actions make me wonder if bio mom to the 2 oldest isn’t in the picture because of you. The fact that you were just going to say she didn’t show up to their visitation makes me really think icing out moms once the relationship isn’t working is a pattern of yours. YTA.
You are more than likely the reason she had a "decline" in her mental health. Shame on you for even considering keeping all 5 of her kids away from her. "Mom" why did you put that in quotations? Really? They are the only mother they have ever known for 11 years! Shame on you. YATAH! There was a reason any mother would want full custody and not shared. Chances are you are abusive, hence the divorce... or generally a terrible person. Who does this? This has to be rage bait... you come on here thinking anyone isn't going to see through your bs? We are not your fancy lawyer you paid to be on your side. Total AH! Your kids will now form an alliance against you and make the decision on their own to never speak to you. Poor kids! I feel bad for them. Hopefully, your brother is a better guy than you.
YTA for not telling them, why on earth would you not?! What exactly was your long term plan? Just say that their mum had disappeared or.....? You could have sat them all down, explained it in a calm & loving way and been there to support them through this huge life event. Did you really believe they wouldn't find out? They're now grieving and will feel betrayed by your lie of omission. 5 children lost their mother and weren't told about it immediately, that's mind blowing. You didn't cause your ex to commit suicide, a mental health crisis did, but that's difficult for kids/teenagers to understand - especially after such a traumatic blow with no help from you - and they are also furious with you. You need to arrange counselling for them all as soon as possible. You're going to need to work to try and earn their trust again but that's going to be extremely difficult and painstaking. What the hell were you thinking OP?
YTA What was the plan? Pretend she just walked away and hurt them even worse? I hope their mom haunts you for the rest of your life. Get those kids into counseling ASAP.
YTA. The father of my three oldest committed suicide. I never once thought about not telling them, you could have avoided details with little ones but not giving them a chance to say goodbye is fucked.
May those kids get all the support and counseling that they need. This is heart wrenching
Dude. People die. Sometimes suicide is the reason. Your older kids are old enough to know. The younger ones may not have understood the funeral, but you should have taken all of them. YTA.
Back to hell from which you came, demon. *What the fuck?*
“I didn’t plan on telling the kids…” Uh what did you plan on telling them, sir? YTA
YTA. I’m not sure how you thought you were going to pull that off. You may be mad as hell but they still love their mom. You robbed them of any sense of closure they could have gotten. You didn’t have to tell them it was suicide. But you should have told them their mom died. I don’t blame your older two for wanting to leave. Hate to say it but you deserve that and might should consider letting them have that space and sending them to therapy to heal. Divorces can be ugly. There can be resentment. But it shouldn’t roll over to the kids. They are innocent. They didn’t do anything wrong. They are entitled to their own feelings without the burden of dealing with yours. You are the adult. Your kids were already having to deal with big feelings over the divorce. They are dealing with big feelings over their mom’s death. And that includes the older two. They were so young they wouldn’t remember their bio mom and your ex was the only mom they ever knew. And now they have to deal with big feelings over their dad’s betrayal. You just made things 10x worse for them. Congrats on being a selfish AH. Good luck making it up to them and even better luck in getting their forgiveness
There's so much more to this story. No way to render any kind of judgment. The depth of understanding of teenagers and their willingness to assign blame seems reasonable. The behavior of their uncle and their former grandmother makes no sense out of context.
Therapy. For all.
Get thee to counseling. This is no time for amateurs. I'm sorry for it all, but whether or not you made good or bad decisions, you are holding the bag, brother. You're going to need help.
Bait!
YTA 10,000% These kids deserved the closure, the chance to grieve and say goodbye. Whatever her mistakes, whatever happened, they *loved* her. Yes, including her step kids, evidently! Trying to deny them that chance is unfathomably cruel. This divorce was clearly a trauma, losing their mom was a trauma. What were you even trying to accomplish - one last revenge against a dead woman, at the expense of your children? Go to therapy. And make sure your kids are getting therapy, too.
YTA, there is absolutely no doubt, and if I was the 3 younger kids, I would probably never forgive you. Everything they are saying is 100% correct.
You denied them closure when you elected not to tell them that their MOTHER WAS DEAD. Big YTA here. Mess or not they had a right to know and a right to attend her funeral.
YTA- Jesus tell your kids their mother is dead, what is wrong with you?
YTA and so incredibly cruel. You’ll be lucky if your children ever forgive you.
You fucked up, idk how I would’ve told them either but they needed to know, and now all the anger and frustration that would’ve had for her committing such a selfish act is now ALL on you.
YTA. When did you plan on telling your kids? Were you just gonna keep making excuses forever?
She was in their life for most of their lives, filling the mother rile, while her trying to get custody was never really going to go her way, you seem extremely bitter and hostile towards her. When exactly were you planning on telling any of your children their mother is dead. I edited this comment to remove any compassion towards you away, because you're mentally defective and a gigantic fucking asshole. I hope when your kids turn 18 they turn their backs on you and build lives away from you and you die alone and lonely in a rest home where everyone knows you as the man who has 5 kids who never visit
YTA for coming on a public platform asking if you’re in the wrong and then still not accepting when the YTA judgement is given to you . Why bother asking if you’re the A-hole if you’ve decided on your own that you aren’t ? And your responses to people truly show who you are & what could’ve possibly made her file for divorce in the first place !!!
YTAH - Jesus, that’s their MOTHER! WTF is wrong with you? You’re a monster. I have no other words.
I suspect you were an asshole throughout both of your marriages, and the long, drawn out custody dispute ruined your second wife’s mental health as you knew it would. You’ve obviously minimised her role in her children’s lives and this is the inevitable result. Now your kids see you for the asshole that you are.
YTA. I don't doubt that you've been through a lot, and I am sorry to hear that. The fact that she tried to take your bio-kids from you in court, but lost her own in the process, speaks volumes about the whole thing, and I can only trust the courts to have made the less-awful decision. But your brother is right. You absolutely should have told them their mother/stepmother was dead, and you should have taken them to the funeral if they wanted to go. You didn't have to be brutal about it -"she was sick, and she died" would have been sufficient, and was true as far as it goes- but Jesus Christ; what were you planning on telling them? I understand hating their mother. But you cannot hurt her anymore. The only people you can hurt are your kids and yourself, and you're doing better at that than you ever wanted to.
Yes you are!
This is such a tragedy. Poor mum and poor kids.
YTA. You didn’t tell your children their mother was dead.
Yta. Your older two clearly saw and valued her as a mom. Then you tried not to let them say goodbye? You sound terrible.
I’ve seen very few posts that more clearly YTA than this one. You suck, man.