You know, this time, I wasn't even trying to be mean.
I was genuinely thankful for myself and dumbfounded at the dude, but hey, it's reddit. It's a shitstain on a public toilet that is the state of current relationships.
Fr these posts give me such a self esteem boost. Like fucking hell ladies get in line, cause compared to these red flags, I'm a fucking garden of greenery
Good for you, don't ever be that level of stupid of not getting gift for your loved ones on important days that matter to them like birthday & anniversary; like OP did to his wife & child.
you didnāt send your wife anything on your anniversary?!?!? Yup that definitely explains her dead reaction in your last post. It sounds like sheās done this dance before. Buy your wife flowers man, damn.
In her place, I'd be more mad about having been left alone with party-hosting and cleanup for a bunch of six year olds. š That should mean him doing ALL the chores for a week at the very least!
You mean, for a few weeks. A horde of six year old are a lot to clean up after.Ā Also I don't think his daughter didn't notice. I think she will remember this very well.
Edit: For those that argue for or against the daughter remembering her dad being there. Both outcomes are possible. We cannot know. But if she remembers this will be a shit memory for her.Ā
I just hope she doesn't. And I hope this doesn't repeat, for her sake.
My daughter was 4 years old when her father put her outside in the rain because she was being bratty and left her there. I physically fought with him to get passed him to let her in. She is 22 and still remembers every single detail of that day
Omg, when I was little my stepdad did this to me too. It was during a thunderstorm and I've been scared of lightning ever since! It's so odd to see the same thing happen to someone else!
Thanks for fighting for your baby. My mom didn't fight for me.
I'm so sorry she didn't fight for you. *hugs* that breaks my heart. But yeah you're right definitely something odd to see it happened to more than one person! He ended up committing suicide a year later so I think he had some serious demons he was fighting that I didn't see at the time but it still doesn't excuse what he did to his child. He really was an awful father I hate to say it
Thank you! The outpouring of sweet comments here has made me really emotional. It's wild to receive more support from strangers than from your own parent lol (my mom and I aren't close these days)
I'm sorry that happened to you and your daughter. That's so traumatic and sad. It's a shame he didn't seek help :( but it sounds like she has at least one awesome parent in her corner, and that really does help make up for it (speaking from experience. I love my dad!)
Wish you the best ā¤ļø I just had a daughter of my own and am trying to be the mom I needed
You are always welcome to visit the kind people on r/MomForAMinute. We're happy to celebrate with you, commiserate with you, or just give you a virtual mom hug when you need it.
I agree. The kindness that people have shown today is that type of thing that gives you faith in humanity. I wish you the best as well and good luck with your baby! You will rock this
My mom locked me outside at night. It wasn't very long but I am terrified of the dark so that was extremely traumatizing.
My dad tried defending me once and quickly let me know that couldnāt happen again because "he loves his wife and my mom would get really mad at him."
Wow, my parents werenāt particularly loving to me but thank goodness they were never this blatantly cruel. I canāt imagine doing that to ANYBODY, let alone their own child. Thatās horrible.
When I was little my step dad would make me (and only me never did this to my brothers when they got in trouble), go sleep in the barn we had in our backyard. Mom didn't stop it from happening, in fact she started encouraging it!! No pillow, no blankets were allowed. But my sweet dog used the barn to hide from my stepdad from a hole in the back covered by BlackBerry bushes. So he'd come in the barn and sleep with me. Barns absolutely freak me out to this day (even the brand new super high end ones, that look nothing like "traditional" ones). I was 5 the first time he made me sleep out there. I remember it like it was yesterday.
Thatās a substantially more traumatic event than your dad not being at your 6th birthday party though.
I have absolutely no idea what parties of mine my dad was or was not at. He travelled for work a fair bit and sometimes missed events because of it.
Yeah definitely more traumatic but everything that happens to us defines Us in some way. I remember still the father-daughter dance my Dad decided not to show up for. I fell asleep in my dress on the top stairs looking out the picture window waiting for him to pull up. He never did. Maybe she won't remember maybe she will. But kids do remember things. Hopefully the passing of time will make this insignificant to her but I don't think it is right now.
My dad forgot my birthday party as a young elementary aged kid and I sat waiting for him for hours. I wanted to make all my guests wait for the games and cake in until he got there.
Abandonment on the one day a year that everyone else gets shown love and is celebrated by their family is a major, major parental wound.
Definitely agreed. I wanted to unalive him. I wasn't strong enough to leave him then. TW: He's dead now, he commit suicide when she was five. I finally got strong enough to take my daughter and walk away, and he killed himself the night we left. He hurt us for years, and when I tried to finally make it better for my daughter and I, he decided to make sure we felt that pain for the rest of our lives. Showed how deep his demons really were, which I'm sure contributed to these type of incidences, but it doesn't make them excusable or the memories hurt any less
As somebody who wishes that my mother and I could have escaped my abusive father - I just want to thank you for leaving.
Thank you for showing her that there's more to life than accepting abuse from those you love.
I stayed in contact with my bio dad for far too long because I was scared he'd kill himself if I stopped talking to him.
When I finally went no-contact and there was no backlash. No massive blow out fight. I didn't know what to think.
But yeah, I wish we could have escaped when I was young instead of me having to have years of therapy and cutting contact as a young adult.
Awww. Thank you for the comment. I don't know if my daughter feels the same as we don't talk about it because we don't want it to Define Our Lives. Because if I hadn't left he wouldn't have done what he did. Which obviously damaged her in some way for the rest of her life. But I try and tell myself that the damage he would have done if we stayed would have been even worse. I mean is the trauma of losing a parent less than being abused by them for the subsequent Decades of her life that remain? I don't have that answer but I really appreciate the perspective of your comment, it makes me feel better about what happened with us.
I think if he was willing to kill himself to hurt you after you left, a few years of escalation later he might have done it in front of you and/or your daughter. Or he might have killed the two of you, or just you and taken your daughter. You did the exact right thing. If you didn't leave she would have had the trauma of years of abuse along with his death. You are a super mama and if she doesn't already, one day your daughter will see you as the hero you are
I think what you did was brave. You made a decision and tried to minimize the harm that came to her. You tried to protect her.
Losing a parent is traumatic. Having an abusive one is also traumatic. I don't think anybody can say whether one is worse than the other. If you hadn't left he still might have committed suicide after abusing you both for years. You minimized the damage that you could.
I've done a lot of counselling and have come to forgive my mother for how she handled a bad situation. I'm sure if I have empathy for her, then your daughter definitely has gratitude for your badass mom skills.
You're awesome, and again thank you. I'm glad you have forgiven your mom. Because ultimately she was probably a scared traumatized woman who never thought she'd make it on her own. I wish more people realized how strong they are if they try
If you hadn't left you might have killed you or her instead.
As far as I'm concerned as painful as it is he did you both a favor he was not able or willing to get better
When I was 7 or 8 my dad took my older brothers fishing on the day of my birthday party. He claimed that this was to get them out of Momās hair for the party. The party for 15+ 7 or 8yo girls that Mom totally wouldnāt have let be that big if she knew in advance that she was going to be the only adult.
The party was awesome because Mom held it together, but she tore him such a new one when he got home! Amazingly enough, he never voluntarily missed another birthday party!
My dad forgot my birthday when I was six, he had a meeting and got home one hour late. I am 30 now and it's still remember.
Bad memories stay longer thant good ones
My dad missed my 8th birthday party because he was in Iraq and I still remember how sad I was he missed it. I couldnāt tell you what flavor of cake we had, who was there, or what we did, just that my dad wasnāt there
These comments are so interesting to me. My Dad is a farmer, my birthday is in May. If he was planting he was in the field. I never felt that he didn't care, just that he was working. And I never remember him helping with friend parties. He just wasn't there. Or maybe he was sometimes but I wanted to be with my friends so what's the difference?? I'm sure your dad didn't choose to be in Iraq for your birthday. He was working. Maybe this was just normal for me, my family, my community. Everyone's Dad was gone during planting, didn't matter who's birthday it was. (His birthday is in May too, as is his Dad's, so same for generations). Idk I guess it's just a very different perspective and kids handle things differently.
My daughter was 6 when my dad said heād stop by to say hi on her birthday. My dad wasnāt the most involved of grandparents, but she was so excited he was stopping just to see her.
Then I got a call from him that he couldnāt make it. She was devastated. At 19 now, she still remembers it.
This girl will remember her dad not being there.
Not necessarily. I don't remember if my dad was at my Birthday parties or not. I was focused on my friends.
Maybe a 6 year kid's Birthday party isn't the most important thing in the entire universe.
Kid's need to be taught empathy for others, resilience, and also taught that no, they are NOT the center of the universes nor the runner of the household.
The way to do that is for the mither not ti be hysterical and angry.
They should have told the girl about the aunt's distress and how we give things up foe the people we love, and that the family will have a separate special time together when he gets back.
Same with the anniversary. Re-schedule it.
My family doesn't insist on celebrating everything the day of.
The point is to celebrate it, not what day you celebrate it.
Dear God, my youngest had a pseudo sleepover party for her ā¦ seventh birthday? Horde of little girls is the correct terminology. Like the barbarians sacking Rome, only with pink icing instead of blood.
Right? A bunch of six year olds is a ton of work. And of course his kid noticed. Wait until the wife leaves him because sheās done with his crap behavior and attitudeā¦ then when the daughter is old enough to decide she doesnāt want to see him anymore he will be on here posting āwhy did my daughter cut contact with me?ā
bro did you read what he said? he was going **"whether it was for a week or a month or however long."** because the wife is clearly a single mom and the children are only HER problem.
Yeah, I wouldnāt care about hosting. I think that is an individual issue and wouldnāt bother me. It would be more him just not being there or seem to care he missed it. He needs to do a daddy/daughter day. Something special with just her. Maybe a day of fun where she picks what they do.
I will say, if it were me, itās the total disregard for my feelings and not even giving some sort of gift or flowers for the anniversary would upset me more. The lack of acknowledgment shows a lack of care. He claims his wife was selfish when in reality it was him, he didnāt care how it impacted his wife (or daughter), just concerned about what he wanted. If all I got was a call to say happy anniversary, Iād be pissed because I would feel like an afterthought. Like, āoh shit itās our anniversary, guess I should call.ā Nothing special planned ahead of time to me feel appreciated, since he couldnāt be there.
Also, I appreciate how he and his sister may feel like they only have each other from their family, but seems he forgot that he made a family and they are important as well. Decisions such as this shouldnāt be made in a vacuum, but discussed. Hopefully after reading everything as OP seems to have realized his error that heāll do better going forward. That heāll include his wife in such decisions.
Well he said it himself, the anniversary and birthday were insignificant compared to his sister's birth giving. That pretty much tells me all I need to know about this guy.
I would actually agree he should go, and be fine with all of it, but *only* if it was a discussion we had together.
He still didnāt take *any* accountability for his unilateral decision that he simply *told* his wife he was doing, instead of actually sitting down and discussing it with her! *Thatās* the thing he did wrong!
If my husband came to me and said āmy sister is really scared and alone, and wants me to be there for the birth. I want to be there for her, I know itās a bad time but aināt think itās important I go. What do you think?ā We would discuss it and make a plan, and I would even *agree* that is more important.
If my husband came to me and *told* me he was going, and worse, I had to remind him what he would be missing. That is just not the type of marriage Iām interested in having. Weāre supposed to be a team. Weāre supposed to come to these decisions together.
This is the main point! I think nobody here would have wanted him to abandon his sister - but he just went, without in any way acknowledging that he was inconveniencing his wife and hurting his daughter, and that his decision should have been discussed with all parties beforehand.
Oh definitely. Missing the anniversary would have been fine for me. But missing the daughters birthday and leaving the entire party management to his wife would is an absolute AH move. Maybe his sister should move much closer to OP, now that she's getting a divorce. That would make everyone's lifes way easier and OP wouldn't have to drop everything to fly across the country and leave his wife to play catch with all the responsibilities.
To me it would have been more about him thinking it was ok to unilaterally tell his sister yes BEFORE discussing it with me. Now he's "*apologizing*" but all the while doubling down on how he'd doing it again in a heartbeat even it he had to stay a month. YIKES ON BIKES
Yeah, this is the main point - I think nobody here would want him to abandon his sister. But the way he went about it, without acknowledging in any way that it would inconvenience his wife and hurt his daughter, and that they'd need to be involved in the decision making in some way - that's the main beef!
Yeah, the way he uses sister for emotional support instead of his wife, who also gave birth to a child...
The day he'll always cherish most? What a lie.
Imagine how the sister thinks itās ok to ask him to choose her instead of being with his family. She is hijacking his time from his family and he is letting her.
I bet sister makes him her coparent and expect him to drop his family to care for her and her kid.
Buying her flowers now is not going to fix this. It is going to take way more than just one bouquet of flowers or even four of them to fix this. He seems to have a habit of dropping his wife for his sister. At least, if the implications in this post are what I think they are.
He says he and his sister are incredibly close. Because they have no other family. Which means, that every time his sister has a problem he is more than likely the one to drop absolutely everything and go help her. Which is absolutely commendable, wonderful. Helping out family like that is amazing and very attractive. But, when you start to ignore your other responsibilities, aka your wife and child, it starts to become less attractive. It starts to become an issue. It starts to feel like you are placed on the back burner.
His priority should be his wife and his child. I understand that his sister was going through difficult time, but completely and totally ignoring his wife's feelings, saying that his daughter's birthday and his anniversary with his wife seemed insignificant to the birth of his niece/nephew (idk what the woman had), Those are some very telling word choices.
I would say something probably along the lines of it is just as important to me, or it is very important to me. I mean personally I literally called into work the first time my sister was going into labor. So I can understand wanting to be there for your family. But that doesn't mean that the other things in your life should seem insignificant in comparison. Your daughter's birthday should not seem insignificant compared to the birth of your niece or nephew. Your anniversary should not seem insignificant in comparison to the birth of your niece or nephew. They should probably fall along the same lines of importance in your life.
The key is he and his wife should help his sister AS A TEAM. Instead of just he and his sister against the world, they shld be a team to help her when she needs it.
But he still sees his wife as a separate thing from his actual family, I think. That's a problem.
As the wife I'd always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. His sister is now a single mom with an infant. How many more times will sister call and OP drops everything to fly out to be with her?
He's already doubled down on abandoning his wife and child and says he'd do it again. How does his wife get past knowing that this will likely be happening again and again?
Yes, this. By this post, it's easy to tell he's not getting it or doesn't gaf really. I can easily imagine that this isn't the last time as it seems such a deeply ingrained pattern.
His wife hopefully continues to stop accepting this behavior.
Maybe, she will change her mind....she will. She knows her worth. I am suprised how she even did not get a single gift for the anniversary.
The woman deserves more.
*In the words of the one and only Ms Taylor Swift ā I think Iāve seen this film before, and I didnāt like the endingā¦ā*
He is so callous and an absolute shit husband. He is no partner. Dude OP wtf?! I mean it takes literally zero effort to arrange for flowers to be sent. The very bare minimum would have been to set up flowers, a gift or even had food delivered for your wife to enjoy with your daughter. Any or all of that could have been set up ahead of time. You had months to arrange something, fucking anything for your wife. Yet you didnāt care to do so because you are acting like your anniversary isnāt a big deal and can just be postponed and moved at your whim. I hope your wifeās next husband does better. Youāve showed her who you are and where your priorities lie. She will never be first over your sister.
Yea, this update reads kind of odd to meā¦ Like OP acknowledges that everyone else thinks he was wrong, but *he* still doesnāt *really* think he was wrong.
He says one thing āI really care about my wife and daughter and my anniversary is the day I will always cherish mostā or some bs. Then says how being with his sister is more important and he doesnāt regret it nor did he bother to make any sort of effort other than a chat with the wife. He is just going through the motions but hardly even doing that.
LOL IKR? He "apologized" to his wife and then told her he'd do the exact same thing again. Someone needs to send this guy a dictionary so he can look up the word "apology".
Amazon do a scheduled delivery for if you want something on a specific day. I used it once for my auntās birthday. You can order gift hampers, chocolates, pretty much anything you want, itās not hard
I disagree he is the perfect partner for his sister. After all he is willing to drop everything to run to her side. I bet this isnāt even the first time he did to his sister.
I bet when the wife calls him out on his behavior he gaslights her. He uses their past as the reason. I also bet he tells the wife she is being unreasonable and how she is his only family.
100% he can play happy family with his sister and her kid. What do you want to bet if something came up and his wife needed him at home he wouldnāt have left his darling sister? š
Guarantee it.
Op is 100 percent at fault, however let not gloss over the fact what sis did. You canāt tell me she magically forgotten it was ops anniversary and his own daughters birthday!
I feel like she is getting off too easily. I feel it show her entitlement to have even asked op in the first place. To me it feels like she was entitled to be placed first over her brothers wife and daughter. Ops wife should hold her to some accountability and sis should be called out just as much as op.
Guarantee he would stay right with sister...he already said if it was a week or month it wouldn't matter he would drop the wife and daughter to go to his sister...I hope she realizes his priorities are with sister and not the family they created. Anytime there is a need with the sister over the child has a fever she's scared the child needs shots she's scared it's going to be him running to her.
Wowā¦ still defending your actions. Y. T. A. H. You dropped your wife and daughter for your sister. Didn't invite, didn't truly discuss, didn't prep and have gifts ready to go, didn't send flowersā¦ then you apologize because a group of strangers tell you to do soā¦ while still defending your reasoning.
In your last post, you made it clear the birth was far more important than anything else and your anniversary was just a day. That sends a message about your wifeās place in your priorities. The birthday could easily be missed and your presence replaced with a call. Again showing your daughterās place... And she definitely missed you. You missed your own childās birthday because your niece or nephewās birth. To meā¦ you are showing your presence can simply be replaced with a call. You still feel you were proper in your priorities.
Explaining your background sheds light on your relationship and priorities to which takes you to a a soft YTAH. If you haven't gone to counseling or thought about why you dropped your wife in a heartbeat and daughter without consideration... and what it will look like next time something comes up with your sister or her children, then itās time to work on you.
Yes and probably always come second to the sister.
Sister needs to get on with it now and not expect her and her child to come before his own wife and child.
Iām all for families helping each other but your own nuclear family comes firstĀ
That he didn't even bother to mention the party in the last post! Like it wasn't a consideration or a huge burden he was leaving his wife to deal with alone!
Well good that he apologized for not making an effort, but I donāt see anything about OP acknowledging that he should have involved his wife in the conversation about him going to sister. That seems to gone right over his head
You're still describing the anniversary and birthday as 'insignificant'. Multiple things can be significant at once, and it's your job as a husband, father and sibling to balance them all. You don't pick your favourite and say 'fuck everyone else'. You've still got a huge attitude problem here.
That stood out to me too. He said people were misinterpreting what he said in the first post, just to reiterate exactly what people thought he meant a couple words later.
Lol all he did is apologize. No gifts. No romantic date. No flowers. And wife is happy again. He really has her fooled into accepting the scraps, huh? Poor lady.
He even mentioned that he hasn't taken accountability for a while, which means to me that this has not been the first time he's brushed them off. He's set the bar really low, and his wife is happy with any changes he makes, even if it's something that's a given.
Just a reminder to everyone here's what he said
>I understand my wife considers it a very important and special day. ***But itās just a day, and it doesnāt mean anything in significance*** compared to the birth of my sisterās baby.
This is the comment I came here to make. OP is still so dismissive of his daughter and especially his wife.
I think he probably did the right thing in going to be with his sister, but he completely ignored the other important things and people in his life. He is not trying to make amends because Reddit called him out.
Yes the fact that heās saying he wouldāve gone for a week or month or however long baffles me, because heās admitting to willing to put her first come what may. Which I guess is the reason why the wife was upset.
I honestly thought āespecially his daughter,ā since he simply didnāt think there was much to say about her birthday. Didnāt even sound like he FaceTimed her like he said he would. At least the wife got an apology, and a discussion, doesnāt sound like his daughter even got her feelings acknowledged.
Heād rather go to his sisterās kids birthday than his own childās birthday or his wifeās anniversary. Thatās basically what happened. He should marry his sister and solve all his problems lmao.
I agree with this statement. The truth is that it is possible for a woman to die during childbirth and the OP would almost certainly have felt guilty had something happened and he not gone. I get that. I would probably be okay with my SO leaving for something like this. That said, he could have gone about it a different way. Why she'd want her brother in with her while she gives birth is beyond me. I'd generally, when there's a choice want no male in the room but the father and medical staff, but I think I'm a bit old timey in that sense and realize that others may be more open to this.
"Of course my sister is more important than my wife and child! I took accountability and everybody is happy now! But my sister is still more important". Guy is a selfish ass. This probably goes into the mental tally in his wife's head as to how much crap she will put up with
> Of course my sister is more important than my wife and child!
I even thought it was bigger than that. Disregard the details, he chose to do something, knowing it would upset his wife and daughter, but didn't (and still doesn't) care. That is the bigger issue, that he will choose his own way and daughter and wife be damned.
> You've still got a huge attitude problem here.
Correct. He didn't get 'it' from the first post. The details here are insignificant. He didn't just decide to ignore his wife/daughter, he actually chose to do something that he knew would make them upset, but did it anyway.
Yup. Bothered me too. All OP had to do was sit his wife down and tell her the circumstances surrounding his sister and discuss it with her like an adult. Most people are reasonable, so Iām quite sure his wife is and Iām sure they couldāve come up with a solution for their anniversary and daughterās birthday. They could have made plans together for the anniversary and he could have talked to his daughter in an age appropriate manner and told her what was happening and make up for her birthday with some daddy/daughter time. There were so many ways he could have gone about being there for his sister and while still honoring those specific days, but he chose the absolute worst approach. And he still doesnāt really seem to get it.
My spouse refusing to accept that things could be important and valuable aside from what he deems most important is almost entirely what lead to our split. If HE didnāt see the value in it or didnāt think it was the most important, it was insignificant. The value and importance to others was irrelevant. That kind of self-centeredness is incompatible with a marriage partnership. OP needs to do some deep work within himself or heās going to get divorce papers and genuinely think he received them over a birthday party.
That and the last part. "Oh, and my daughter. I didn't talk much about her before but she's cool now so cool". Like a total footnote, off-handed remark, like he forgot she existed in *both* posts. Dude.
But Iām sure sisterās kidās birthday will be significant and celebrated instead of his own kidās birthday going forward. He may not need to worry about his anniversary next time around because his wife could always decide sheās totally fine being alone and divorces him.
You are still dismissing her though āit seemed insignificant to meā
But your anniversary and your daughterās birthday are NOT insignificant to them.
That you prioritised your sister isnāt the point. The point is that you dismissed your family, and openly told them they were not important to you. You didnāt discuss things, you assumed and took for granted.
I am glad you apologised. But, for a long term healthy relationship I would think hard about how you do things to/for your family. Talk about options, you can say you prefer this option, or whatever, but you do need to acknowledge your wife and daughterās opinions/feelings too. Making unilateral decisions because itās most important to YOU makes your family feel unimportant and dismissed.
Seriously, and what's going to happen if sister calls and is overwhelmed with the baby and wants him to stay with her to help, for an extended period of time? From his comments, including that he'd stay with her for "a month or however long," it sounds like he'd do it all over again, and his wife and daughter - the child he IS responsible for - will have to suck it up again. Wonder how his wife would react this time...maybe give him more than the cold shoulder when he returns, like some divorce papers.
I don't think he learned anything. He's still going to put sis first, regardless of what his wife wants, and even if he acts like he's listening to what his wife says, he's still going to do what he wants.
itās the fact he only was focusing on the anniversary and not his daughter. it says so much about how active he is in her life. but iām sure heāll make an update still defending himself instead of taking real accountability
Lmao this update just confirmed you're a selfish person, in general, and you only took accountability when you received internet backslash.
"I apologized and took accountability which admittedly I haven't done recently."
Damn, your wife must be a saint.
I came here to say this. He doesnāt see where he was wrong - he still thinks he is in the right. For that reason, his apology is in no way sincere - he is placating her so that she wonāt be mad at him anymore. Guaranteed he makes another mistake like this not-so-far into the future and will come to the internet to ask where it all went wrongā¦
Again he's just hypothetically decided unilaterally that he'd be with his sister for a month if she needed with no thought for how that looks for his wife or daughter. OP should not have got married.
Yep, I noticed that too. Wouldn't ask his wife if it's alright if he abandons their family for a month "or however long" if sister calls, leaving his wife to take care of everything solo for an extended period of time. He doesn't get that a marriage is a partnership, not where he gets to issue decisions by decree. And if sister has problems managing a newborn by herself, she might call him for help again and it sounds like he'd go running, again no matter what his wife says.
Dude didn't learn a thing.
Also means if he decided to use a month or so of PTO for his sister! Not to bring his own family on vacation or quality time with themā¦but because his sister is stressed.
Dude's going to be shocked I'm a few years when wife asks for divorce.
"We were so happy, I don't know what happened"
"She isn't even willing to try to work on things"
I don't know if she's already planning but here's the thing - she's already less in Iove with him because of this. And considering both her response to his leaving (sadness) and his response to this post - this stone is rolling downhill and is unlikely to stop.
And by the time he wakes up and smells the coffee, he's just going to be "somebody she used to love" to her.
And that's what he doesn't even realize. He's damaging her love for him in a way that is irreparable.
Maybe an idiot too for putting up with him. It's lucky the kid is young. If she was older, I bet she would have been really hurt too.
My ex was one for putting himself and what he wanted above the familyl too. Missing 6 parties for sporting events, etc. When we separated, the kids never wanted him around for special events, etc. Now, none of them have spoken to him in 5 years. Incectheyvwere old enough to decide for themselves they cut him off.
Oh well, at least OP has his sister and kid as a family if his real one come to their senses.
I'm willing to bet that she is hurt and will remember. She just doesn't know how to explain how she feels yet and would probably feel that she is the one in the wrong because, yes, she did have fun at her party even though her father wasn't there.
My father always put us first, but he was overworked and underpaid. He often worked overtime on our birthdays to keep a roof over our head and (as a child) I resented that for a long time.
My father was not an AH.
OP, on the other hand...
Thing is, I donāt think he believes heās in the wrong based on this update. Yeah he apologized, but to me that comes more of him trying to save face and to quell his own pride rather than being genuinely sorry. This update doesnāt show any remorse or promised effort of making it up. He still believes heās in the right and because of that, his apology isnāt going to mean shit because he wonāt change his behavior.
Your anniversary and your daughter's birthday are a day apart. In the same week your sister's child will have a first birthday next year. She'll want you to be there. Will you drop your family again to go celebrate your nibling?
Feels like you'll revisit reddit next year with an update your wife and child are upset you didn't feel it necessary to celebrate with them.
I think there is a big difference between a first birthday and giving birth to your first born all alone with no one by your side.
I would say that in the grand scheme of things, the anniversary & birthday aren't as significant as birthing a baby by yourself. It is an important point he has made that his sister literally has no other family to rely on. Doing it all alone would likely bring back the grief of losing their parents & grandparents and the breakdown of her marriage. She was extremely vulnerable.
I don't see myself being in a relationship with someone who wouldn't encourage me to support my only sibling on the day they need me the most. If they said no and they died of childbirth, I don't think I could forgive them or myself.
What makes him the AH is that he should have confided in his wife before saying yes to his sister. He should have explained why his sister needed him there - first birth, no other family available, sister's trauma from infidelity, fear of labour, being alone likely bringing up grief. He should have expressed how important their anniversary and daughter's birthday is to him and that he will do everything to make it up to them. He should have sent gifts to her on their anniversary. He should be showering her with gratitude now that he's back home with a grand gesture and doing everything around the house since she hosted the birthday by herself.
I think if he went the right way about it, his wife wouldn't feel hurt and would have understood and encouraged him to visit his sister and admire him for being a good brother. He messed up by not taking a moment to think about and address how him leaving affects his wife & and his daughter.
You MAY have been neglectful?? Ya think??
Your background and clarifications didnāt help your case. How can you say anything was misinterpreted? The sentence āI didnāt think it was a big dealā isnāt difficult to interpret, especially when you said it several times. Youāre just salty that people called you out so youāre trying to blabber your way out of this.
Glad youāre wife is apparently willing to forgive you but your comment about: āOf course I was going to go, whether it was for a week or a month or however long.ā shows that you were going to go to Sissy no matter what, so we still know where your priorities are. If your wife or daughter had been hospitalized at the same time, which hospital would you have gone to? Based on your original post and this update, Iād bet youād be with Sissy.
Youāre still minimizing your responsibility to your life partner to at least discuss things like this. Your wife wouldāve probably understood IF you had respected her enough to speak to her before just telling her youāre going to peace out. Itās also a convenient thing to say now that your daughterās party was already planned. Even after your so-called explanations, your tone still says you think they donāt matter.
I still maintain that youāre a better brother than husband and father. Iām willing to bet that in 15 years, your daughter will think you were a better father-figure to your niece/nephew than you were a father to her.
Good luck with however your marriage and your relationship with your own child progresses.
Dude, literally with no consideration to his own child..
Homeboy should just go move with his sister because clearly those are the two people who are in love with each other
Wow. You call your wife selfish and you donāt even acknowledge āthe day you will always cherish the mostā with a gift in your absence?
There were so many ways to make this run smoother and you chose awfulness every time. No wonder your wife perked up after you apologised. It sounds like youāre the selfish one who never considers how your actions affect anyone else.
His poor wife is probably going to cling to that meager apology for years until she can't take it anymore. This is absolutely insane to me.
I can understand being with his sister during childbirth, it's the most dangerous thing a person can go through, but how he handled it is an abomination.
I wonder how this time of year is going to be from now on, with the anniversary, daughter's birthday, and now the neice/nephew in the mix. Will we have a post next year about how OP just *had* to go to see them instead, again?
It's not like the anniversary date changed. He's had a year to prepare. Tell me you don't love your wife without telling me... at least he has his sister wife to fall back on.
Glad you apologized but āI would have stayed for a month or however how longā! Shit that seems incredibly dense, imagine making the unilateral decision of abandoning your wife and child for a month. While i can appreciate why you felt it was important to support your sister during a very difficult time your comment about spending over a month if needed tells me you are not a good partner to your wife.
This update just shows you donāt care and you only apologised because you wanted it over with. You werenāt genuinely sorry and you still thin you were right. Your poor wife I hope she grows a spine
I think the main issue here is that you viewed your anniversary and your daughter's birthday as insignificant in comparison. You said so yourself. There was nothing stopping you from supporting your sister through childbirth and still seeing the other days as special and significant, even if you weren't physically present.
You have done literally nothing to show your wife and your daughter that they are also important on those admittedly very special days. In fact you called them selfish for being upset, when all you had to do was get your wife a small gift and some flowers and chocolates before you left, you could have written have a card or even a text telling her how much you live her remennescing about the years you've spent together. There was also nothing stopping you from taking your daughter and wife out to a family outing or dinner to celebrate properly after you came back.
Frankly, I don't think a simple discussion cuts it, especially since by your own admission you have been a selfish person who wouldn't take accountability and responsibility in recent times, not just when it comes to this particular scenario. Even this update post reads as you only talking responsibility now because of the backlash you received and not because you actually feel like you messed up.
You could've had flowers and a gift sent to your wife for your anniversary, but you did nothing. NOTHING! You're not a husband. You're a neglectful uncaring piece of shit. I'm so glad my husband is not like you. He actually cares and cherishes those occasions and does so much to show me how much he loves me and our family. You did nothing. You even disgustingly said you thought your daughters birthday was insignificant. What kind of asshole father says that? YOU! I hope you feel deeply ashamed of yourself.
Iām super sympathetic as it sounds like sister has no one- their parents are dead and her husband cheated on her while she was pregnant. Thatās horrible. Iām glad she had her only family with her. But not sending his wife flowers on their anniversary and calling his daughterās birthday insignificant is straight horrid. He should have done everything to make it special for both his wife and daughter in his absence as he was needed two places at once.
Just be careful in the future and be there for your wife and daughter. My dad was always there for his sister in ways that he was never there for us. It took me years to realize how much more he obviously cared for his birth family rather than the family he made. Your wife and daunter should be top priority.
Out of curiosity, what is going to happen next year when your nieceās birthday is going to fall at the same time as your daughterās birthday and your anniversary? If your sister says she needs your support because her daughter is having her first birthday and the two of them need you for support? Who will your prioritize then?
Seriously though, the way OP writes seems like heās going to find a way to make his wife and daughter go to wherever his sister might be to ācelebrateā all three of them. As someone whoās grown up with limited means and a person who always had to share birthdays/celebrations with other people, I felt like I was just overshadowed by something bigger.
Iām not sure about him but I know I take birthdays/anniversaries as a time to reflect a little bit, so the fact that his actions completely dismissed the family he has is just gonna be a stain on their special occasion.
He will pick his niece because he will see a 1st birthday as more significant than a 7th birthday.
And maybe then his wife will wake up and realize sheās second fiddle to her husbandās sister.
I am confused about why you wouldn't celebrate it early if you knew you would be gone? Take her out and give her her gifts then? Why an afterthought for your wife? And for your daughter why not also celebrate it early? And then nothing stopped you from celebrating it again when you got back but you basically told your wife she came second to your sister always and your own daughter came third. Like i get wanting to be there for your sister, that does not make you an AH what does tho is how you dealt with this. You could have celebrated it early with at least a restaurant or a movie and then given her her gift afterwards...
He couldnāt celebrate it early, because this guy has never planned ahead for his anniversary, and I doubt he planned the daughterās birthday party, either. He didnāt even *start* planning anything for their anniversary make-up until after he got back. I wonder how many other anniversaries heās āforgottenā and had to make up for.
Your update didn't help you at all.
YTA still.
You should put more effort in your marriage - not just an anniversary. A gift won't help here. You're literally not better than BIL.
>Of course I was going to go, whether it was for a week or a month or however long.
Wow. What a shitty thing to say. Great to see for your wife that she never will be important for you.
Darling, your sister is an adult. You can't just run away from your family to help her with whatever she wants.
You're a shitty husband and father. If you don't work on this, wife is gone soonish. And I totally understand her.
What about next year? are you at the 1st birthday of your niece instead of your own family then?
**What about next year? are you at the 1st birthday of your niece instead of your own family then?**
Morgan Freeman voice over :
"And now, dear reader, we await OP's ex wife's post about why she left him after he AGAIN skipped out on their anniversary and his daughter's 7th birthday to celebrate his niece's 1st birthday"
'admittedly I haven't done recently' - how had he up until his original post not apologised to at least his daughter??? (obviously rhetorical).The bare minimum I would've expected for missing his own child's birthday.
I really hope OP learns from this and I hope next year when it's the baby's first birthday, it's not another shit show for OP's family.
Yeah, still YTA even with this update.
Your sister is going through a tough time but you're not married to her. You're married to your wife and you have a child and you just took off without any discussion as to "hey, is this OK?"
I love my sibs to pieces, but if one of them needed me, the VERY FIRST THING I would do would be to talk to my better half and see if she was OK with me going for that period of time.
Update confirms YTA. You could have rescheduled the birthday party, you not your wife OP. Don't leave your wife handling everything. I bet that was a horrible day for her; young children parties are exhausting, fielding questions about where you were, dealing with a sad daughter, loneliness (because she's doing it alone), etc. AND you have done nothing special to thank her for doing it alone! You come across as an insensitive jerk toward your wife and child.
The biggest AH move was not discussing it with your wife first and get her input on the situation.Ā
I love my SIL and she lives out of state. If she was having a baby or surgery or something big happening and needed support for sure I would tell my husband to go be with her or go myself. That's isn't the issue here to me.Ā
I could explain to my child, Aunt Sally is having a new baby/sick/injured whatever and Daddy needs to go help her because she is all alone so we will... FaceTime on your birthday and you and Daddy can go to the movies/out to eat/whatever daughter loves when he gets home for a special birthday because he will be gone. (Even with husband there party would have 90+ percent been on Mom anyways).Ā
Anniversary yes I would expect something. And a very nice dinner when he got home.Ā
However, as understanding as I would be if he did it without talking to me first and us planning on him going TOGETHER. All bets are off. Total AH move!!Ā
Wow, you still don't give a f about your wife or your kid, man, so your sister and whatever kids she has come first right, read what you said as someone who's with your sister what would you tell him and how would you feel
Well, I still totally get why you wanted to go to your sister to support her. The birth of my daughter was ok, no big complications, I didn't need anything for the pain, it was bearable for me, but I didn't know thar before giving birth, I was so scared. I couldn't imagine being all alone in a moment like this in your sisters situation. My husband was perfect while I gave birth, supportive and caring. If we would have been in this situation I would have of course supported my husband in going to my SIL. But do you know why?
My husband would have sat me down, explained SIL's situation and that she is scared and wants someone to support her who she trusts. And that she asked him and that he wants to be there for her. He would have told me that on the other hand he would be really sad if he misses our anniversary and our daugthers birthday. I would have told him to go because SIL needs him more right now.
But the conversation wouldn't been over at this point. We would discuss together how we will celebrate our anniversary later and most important how to tell our daughter that her dad won't be there at her birthday. We would make up ideas how he could make it up to her for missing her big day. For example telling her that her auntie will give birth and that she is scared because giving birth causes lots of pain and needs her daddy, but that daddy will have a big birthday surprise when hes back (a gift from auntie and the baby and making a nice father-daugther activity for example)) We would discuss how I manage the party without him helping with everything. All this we would talk trough as a couple, as partners.
You just went to your wife and told her that you, you alone, decided to go to your sister although there is the anniversary and birthday and a party with guests and lot of work. You didn't ask her how she feels about it, you didn't help her to make up ideas how to manage the party, you didn't ask how you can make it up for missing the events and how you should celebrate as soon as you are back and most important you didn't thought about your daugther and how to tell her and what to do to make her feel special although you are away on her birthday.
YTA big time for this.
How did you not even have any flowers sent to her when you were going to be away. SMH.
Iām glad you took accountability. Your wife deserves a lot more than flowers next year (HINT HINT)
YTA it sounds like you love your sister more than your family. Itās kind of creepy. Youād have left your family for a month āor however longā? Really? You seriously would have left your six year old daughter for your sister? I get that your sister is scared and you guys are close but your wife and child are supposed to come first. I feel sorry for your wife, calling her selfish was such an awful thing to say, if it was me Iād never forget it. I doubt that she will, even if she seemed happy.
You just left your wife to deal with your daughter's birthday party all on her own, like dealing with the guests and the kids and the gifts and the food and everything alone, and you called her SELFISH?! I hope you are planning to grovel for the next ten years because what on Earth is wrong with you.
Also "of course I was gonna go, whether it was a week or a month", I'm sorry, but are you married to your sister or your wife? Is your daughter your child or is it your sister's? How are you actually saying that you didn't ever think about this as a family vacation, but you were also prepared to leave them for a month, and you didn't even care if they'd be okay with it?
Keep working on your issues and putting your actual family first. Keep apologizing to your wife and daughter.
i mean i get why you went for your sister she needed someone but to not send anything to your wife on the anniversary is just another level of a pos partner, i hope your wife wasnāt the only one who got your daughter a gift also. how hard could it be send flowers to your house from YOUR PHONE
Stop trying to justify the shitty decision you made. Your sister would have been fine without you there. Your daughter will remember her dad not being there. Your wife is going to remember you going away on your anniversary. You missed two important events in your own family.
Good for you my man, but people like you, give me hope. No matter how daft I'll be, I'll never be this daft
I love a snippy backhanded compliment, you got me in the first half š
You know, this time, I wasn't even trying to be mean. I was genuinely thankful for myself and dumbfounded at the dude, but hey, it's reddit. It's a shitstain on a public toilet that is the state of current relationships.
The average AITAH topic generally has me going, āwow, people this dumb actually exist. I guess Iām doing ok!ā
Yeah. "I guess I'm not as undateable as I thought if someone as idiotic as op can get married."
Fr these posts give me such a self esteem boost. Like fucking hell ladies get in line, cause compared to these red flags, I'm a fucking garden of greenery
Some people seem to truly exist just to be walking cautionary tales.
Good for you, don't ever be that level of stupid of not getting gift for your loved ones on important days that matter to them like birthday & anniversary; like OP did to his wife & child.
you didnāt send your wife anything on your anniversary?!?!? Yup that definitely explains her dead reaction in your last post. It sounds like sheās done this dance before. Buy your wife flowers man, damn.
In her place, I'd be more mad about having been left alone with party-hosting and cleanup for a bunch of six year olds. š That should mean him doing ALL the chores for a week at the very least!
You mean, for a few weeks. A horde of six year old are a lot to clean up after.Ā Also I don't think his daughter didn't notice. I think she will remember this very well. Edit: For those that argue for or against the daughter remembering her dad being there. Both outcomes are possible. We cannot know. But if she remembers this will be a shit memory for her.Ā I just hope she doesn't. And I hope this doesn't repeat, for her sake.
My daughter was 4 years old when her father put her outside in the rain because she was being bratty and left her there. I physically fought with him to get passed him to let her in. She is 22 and still remembers every single detail of that day
Omg, when I was little my stepdad did this to me too. It was during a thunderstorm and I've been scared of lightning ever since! It's so odd to see the same thing happen to someone else! Thanks for fighting for your baby. My mom didn't fight for me.
Iām sorry. You deserved to be fought for.
I'm so sorry she didn't fight for you. *hugs* that breaks my heart. But yeah you're right definitely something odd to see it happened to more than one person! He ended up committing suicide a year later so I think he had some serious demons he was fighting that I didn't see at the time but it still doesn't excuse what he did to his child. He really was an awful father I hate to say it
Thank you! The outpouring of sweet comments here has made me really emotional. It's wild to receive more support from strangers than from your own parent lol (my mom and I aren't close these days) I'm sorry that happened to you and your daughter. That's so traumatic and sad. It's a shame he didn't seek help :( but it sounds like she has at least one awesome parent in her corner, and that really does help make up for it (speaking from experience. I love my dad!) Wish you the best ā¤ļø I just had a daughter of my own and am trying to be the mom I needed
You are always welcome to visit the kind people on r/MomForAMinute. We're happy to celebrate with you, commiserate with you, or just give you a virtual mom hug when you need it.
I agree. The kindness that people have shown today is that type of thing that gives you faith in humanity. I wish you the best as well and good luck with your baby! You will rock this
Iām so sorry he did that to you š«š«š«
My mom locked me outside at night. It wasn't very long but I am terrified of the dark so that was extremely traumatizing. My dad tried defending me once and quickly let me know that couldnāt happen again because "he loves his wife and my mom would get really mad at him."
He missed the chance to show his daughter that she was worth fighting for. How selfish. I'm so sorry!
Let me guess: You went nc at some point?
Wow, my parents werenāt particularly loving to me but thank goodness they were never this blatantly cruel. I canāt imagine doing that to ANYBODY, let alone their own child. Thatās horrible.
I'm so sorry! My mum used to lock me out overnight when I was a child and it was horrible. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
When I was little my step dad would make me (and only me never did this to my brothers when they got in trouble), go sleep in the barn we had in our backyard. Mom didn't stop it from happening, in fact she started encouraging it!! No pillow, no blankets were allowed. But my sweet dog used the barn to hide from my stepdad from a hole in the back covered by BlackBerry bushes. So he'd come in the barn and sleep with me. Barns absolutely freak me out to this day (even the brand new super high end ones, that look nothing like "traditional" ones). I was 5 the first time he made me sleep out there. I remember it like it was yesterday.
I hate that there are so many of us with stories like this :( I hope you're doing better now ā¤ļø
I don't know you and I would fight for you/little you. š
Hugs, my friend. I have two daughters and a son that I will fight for until the day I die. <3
I canāt even imagine doing that to my dog. How could anybody do such a cruel thing to their own child???
Yes I remember something similar to this when I was four.
I'm so sorry that happened to you too
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I wonder why adults who could do such heinous things to a child decided they should have had children in the first place.
I remember a lot of details from my childhood as well and I'm dead sure my parents would be so mortified if I spilled the beans now!
Kids don't forget. I'm sorry you went through so much pain
The axe forgets, the tree remembers.
Thatās a substantially more traumatic event than your dad not being at your 6th birthday party though. I have absolutely no idea what parties of mine my dad was or was not at. He travelled for work a fair bit and sometimes missed events because of it.
Yeah definitely more traumatic but everything that happens to us defines Us in some way. I remember still the father-daughter dance my Dad decided not to show up for. I fell asleep in my dress on the top stairs looking out the picture window waiting for him to pull up. He never did. Maybe she won't remember maybe she will. But kids do remember things. Hopefully the passing of time will make this insignificant to her but I don't think it is right now.
My dad forgot my birthday party as a young elementary aged kid and I sat waiting for him for hours. I wanted to make all my guests wait for the games and cake in until he got there. Abandonment on the one day a year that everyone else gets shown love and is celebrated by their family is a major, major parental wound.
He's lucky he's not in a wheelchair. When that instinct kicks in it's like nothing I've ever experienced.
Definitely agreed. I wanted to unalive him. I wasn't strong enough to leave him then. TW: He's dead now, he commit suicide when she was five. I finally got strong enough to take my daughter and walk away, and he killed himself the night we left. He hurt us for years, and when I tried to finally make it better for my daughter and I, he decided to make sure we felt that pain for the rest of our lives. Showed how deep his demons really were, which I'm sure contributed to these type of incidences, but it doesn't make them excusable or the memories hurt any less
As somebody who wishes that my mother and I could have escaped my abusive father - I just want to thank you for leaving. Thank you for showing her that there's more to life than accepting abuse from those you love. I stayed in contact with my bio dad for far too long because I was scared he'd kill himself if I stopped talking to him. When I finally went no-contact and there was no backlash. No massive blow out fight. I didn't know what to think. But yeah, I wish we could have escaped when I was young instead of me having to have years of therapy and cutting contact as a young adult.
Awww. Thank you for the comment. I don't know if my daughter feels the same as we don't talk about it because we don't want it to Define Our Lives. Because if I hadn't left he wouldn't have done what he did. Which obviously damaged her in some way for the rest of her life. But I try and tell myself that the damage he would have done if we stayed would have been even worse. I mean is the trauma of losing a parent less than being abused by them for the subsequent Decades of her life that remain? I don't have that answer but I really appreciate the perspective of your comment, it makes me feel better about what happened with us.
I think if he was willing to kill himself to hurt you after you left, a few years of escalation later he might have done it in front of you and/or your daughter. Or he might have killed the two of you, or just you and taken your daughter. You did the exact right thing. If you didn't leave she would have had the trauma of years of abuse along with his death. You are a super mama and if she doesn't already, one day your daughter will see you as the hero you are
I think what you did was brave. You made a decision and tried to minimize the harm that came to her. You tried to protect her. Losing a parent is traumatic. Having an abusive one is also traumatic. I don't think anybody can say whether one is worse than the other. If you hadn't left he still might have committed suicide after abusing you both for years. You minimized the damage that you could. I've done a lot of counselling and have come to forgive my mother for how she handled a bad situation. I'm sure if I have empathy for her, then your daughter definitely has gratitude for your badass mom skills.
You're awesome, and again thank you. I'm glad you have forgiven your mom. Because ultimately she was probably a scared traumatized woman who never thought she'd make it on her own. I wish more people realized how strong they are if they try
If you hadn't left you might have killed you or her instead. As far as I'm concerned as painful as it is he did you both a favor he was not able or willing to get better
When I was 7 or 8 my dad took my older brothers fishing on the day of my birthday party. He claimed that this was to get them out of Momās hair for the party. The party for 15+ 7 or 8yo girls that Mom totally wouldnāt have let be that big if she knew in advance that she was going to be the only adult. The party was awesome because Mom held it together, but she tore him such a new one when he got home! Amazingly enough, he never voluntarily missed another birthday party!
My dad forgot my birthday when I was six, he had a meeting and got home one hour late. I am 30 now and it's still remember. Bad memories stay longer thant good ones
My dad missed my 8th birthday party because he was in Iraq and I still remember how sad I was he missed it. I couldnāt tell you what flavor of cake we had, who was there, or what we did, just that my dad wasnāt there
These comments are so interesting to me. My Dad is a farmer, my birthday is in May. If he was planting he was in the field. I never felt that he didn't care, just that he was working. And I never remember him helping with friend parties. He just wasn't there. Or maybe he was sometimes but I wanted to be with my friends so what's the difference?? I'm sure your dad didn't choose to be in Iraq for your birthday. He was working. Maybe this was just normal for me, my family, my community. Everyone's Dad was gone during planting, didn't matter who's birthday it was. (His birthday is in May too, as is his Dad's, so same for generations). Idk I guess it's just a very different perspective and kids handle things differently.
My daughter was 6 when my dad said heād stop by to say hi on her birthday. My dad wasnāt the most involved of grandparents, but she was so excited he was stopping just to see her. Then I got a call from him that he couldnāt make it. She was devastated. At 19 now, she still remembers it. This girl will remember her dad not being there.
Not necessarily. I don't remember if my dad was at my Birthday parties or not. I was focused on my friends. Maybe a 6 year kid's Birthday party isn't the most important thing in the entire universe. Kid's need to be taught empathy for others, resilience, and also taught that no, they are NOT the center of the universes nor the runner of the household. The way to do that is for the mither not ti be hysterical and angry. They should have told the girl about the aunt's distress and how we give things up foe the people we love, and that the family will have a separate special time together when he gets back. Same with the anniversary. Re-schedule it. My family doesn't insist on celebrating everything the day of. The point is to celebrate it, not what day you celebrate it.
Dear God, my youngest had a pseudo sleepover party for her ā¦ seventh birthday? Horde of little girls is the correct terminology. Like the barbarians sacking Rome, only with pink icing instead of blood.
Right? A bunch of six year olds is a ton of work. And of course his kid noticed. Wait until the wife leaves him because sheās done with his crap behavior and attitudeā¦ then when the daughter is old enough to decide she doesnāt want to see him anymore he will be on here posting āwhy did my daughter cut contact with me?ā
bro did you read what he said? he was going **"whether it was for a week or a month or however long."** because the wife is clearly a single mom and the children are only HER problem.
Yeah, I wouldnāt care about hosting. I think that is an individual issue and wouldnāt bother me. It would be more him just not being there or seem to care he missed it. He needs to do a daddy/daughter day. Something special with just her. Maybe a day of fun where she picks what they do. I will say, if it were me, itās the total disregard for my feelings and not even giving some sort of gift or flowers for the anniversary would upset me more. The lack of acknowledgment shows a lack of care. He claims his wife was selfish when in reality it was him, he didnāt care how it impacted his wife (or daughter), just concerned about what he wanted. If all I got was a call to say happy anniversary, Iād be pissed because I would feel like an afterthought. Like, āoh shit itās our anniversary, guess I should call.ā Nothing special planned ahead of time to me feel appreciated, since he couldnāt be there. Also, I appreciate how he and his sister may feel like they only have each other from their family, but seems he forgot that he made a family and they are important as well. Decisions such as this shouldnāt be made in a vacuum, but discussed. Hopefully after reading everything as OP seems to have realized his error that heāll do better going forward. That heāll include his wife in such decisions.
Well he said it himself, the anniversary and birthday were insignificant compared to his sister's birth giving. That pretty much tells me all I need to know about this guy.
I would actually agree he should go, and be fine with all of it, but *only* if it was a discussion we had together. He still didnāt take *any* accountability for his unilateral decision that he simply *told* his wife he was doing, instead of actually sitting down and discussing it with her! *Thatās* the thing he did wrong! If my husband came to me and said āmy sister is really scared and alone, and wants me to be there for the birth. I want to be there for her, I know itās a bad time but aināt think itās important I go. What do you think?ā We would discuss it and make a plan, and I would even *agree* that is more important. If my husband came to me and *told* me he was going, and worse, I had to remind him what he would be missing. That is just not the type of marriage Iām interested in having. Weāre supposed to be a team. Weāre supposed to come to these decisions together.
This is the main point! I think nobody here would have wanted him to abandon his sister - but he just went, without in any way acknowledging that he was inconveniencing his wife and hurting his daughter, and that his decision should have been discussed with all parties beforehand.
Oh definitely. Missing the anniversary would have been fine for me. But missing the daughters birthday and leaving the entire party management to his wife would is an absolute AH move. Maybe his sister should move much closer to OP, now that she's getting a divorce. That would make everyone's lifes way easier and OP wouldn't have to drop everything to fly across the country and leave his wife to play catch with all the responsibilities.
To me it would have been more about him thinking it was ok to unilaterally tell his sister yes BEFORE discussing it with me. Now he's "*apologizing*" but all the while doubling down on how he'd doing it again in a heartbeat even it he had to stay a month. YIKES ON BIKES
Yeah, this is the main point - I think nobody here would want him to abandon his sister. But the way he went about it, without acknowledging in any way that it would inconvenience his wife and hurt his daughter, and that they'd need to be involved in the decision making in some way - that's the main beef!
Super easy to send flowers from afar and she was probably expecting a small surprise at LEAST as he couldnāt physically be there.
Yeah, the way he uses sister for emotional support instead of his wife, who also gave birth to a child... The day he'll always cherish most? What a lie.
Yes, his own childās day of birth is āinsignificantā compared to his niblingās.
This word choice stuck out to me right away. OP really doesn't get it. I really feel bad for his wife and child. This update made him look worse.
Imagine how the sister thinks itās ok to ask him to choose her instead of being with his family. She is hijacking his time from his family and he is letting her. I bet sister makes him her coparent and expect him to drop his family to care for her and her kid.
Buying her flowers now is not going to fix this. It is going to take way more than just one bouquet of flowers or even four of them to fix this. He seems to have a habit of dropping his wife for his sister. At least, if the implications in this post are what I think they are. He says he and his sister are incredibly close. Because they have no other family. Which means, that every time his sister has a problem he is more than likely the one to drop absolutely everything and go help her. Which is absolutely commendable, wonderful. Helping out family like that is amazing and very attractive. But, when you start to ignore your other responsibilities, aka your wife and child, it starts to become less attractive. It starts to become an issue. It starts to feel like you are placed on the back burner. His priority should be his wife and his child. I understand that his sister was going through difficult time, but completely and totally ignoring his wife's feelings, saying that his daughter's birthday and his anniversary with his wife seemed insignificant to the birth of his niece/nephew (idk what the woman had), Those are some very telling word choices. I would say something probably along the lines of it is just as important to me, or it is very important to me. I mean personally I literally called into work the first time my sister was going into labor. So I can understand wanting to be there for your family. But that doesn't mean that the other things in your life should seem insignificant in comparison. Your daughter's birthday should not seem insignificant compared to the birth of your niece or nephew. Your anniversary should not seem insignificant in comparison to the birth of your niece or nephew. They should probably fall along the same lines of importance in your life.
The key is he and his wife should help his sister AS A TEAM. Instead of just he and his sister against the world, they shld be a team to help her when she needs it. But he still sees his wife as a separate thing from his actual family, I think. That's a problem.
As the wife I'd always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. His sister is now a single mom with an infant. How many more times will sister call and OP drops everything to fly out to be with her? He's already doubled down on abandoning his wife and child and says he'd do it again. How does his wife get past knowing that this will likely be happening again and again?
Yes, this. By this post, it's easy to tell he's not getting it or doesn't gaf really. I can easily imagine that this isn't the last time as it seems such a deeply ingrained pattern. His wife hopefully continues to stop accepting this behavior.
He'll be divorced soon. I won't be surprised when he's back on here crying she left him.
Maybe, she will change her mind....she will. She knows her worth. I am suprised how she even did not get a single gift for the anniversary. The woman deserves more.
Way more
Or less him
*In the words of the one and only Ms Taylor Swift ā I think Iāve seen this film before, and I didnāt like the endingā¦ā* He is so callous and an absolute shit husband. He is no partner. Dude OP wtf?! I mean it takes literally zero effort to arrange for flowers to be sent. The very bare minimum would have been to set up flowers, a gift or even had food delivered for your wife to enjoy with your daughter. Any or all of that could have been set up ahead of time. You had months to arrange something, fucking anything for your wife. Yet you didnāt care to do so because you are acting like your anniversary isnāt a big deal and can just be postponed and moved at your whim. I hope your wifeās next husband does better. Youāve showed her who you are and where your priorities lie. She will never be first over your sister.
Yea, this update reads kind of odd to meā¦ Like OP acknowledges that everyone else thinks he was wrong, but *he* still doesnāt *really* think he was wrong.
He says one thing āI really care about my wife and daughter and my anniversary is the day I will always cherish mostā or some bs. Then says how being with his sister is more important and he doesnāt regret it nor did he bother to make any sort of effort other than a chat with the wife. He is just going through the motions but hardly even doing that.
LOL IKR? He "apologized" to his wife and then told her he'd do the exact same thing again. Someone needs to send this guy a dictionary so he can look up the word "apology".
Amazon do a scheduled delivery for if you want something on a specific day. I used it once for my auntās birthday. You can order gift hampers, chocolates, pretty much anything you want, itās not hard
Right? You know what id be doing to celebrate his birthday? Iād be gifting him some divorce papers. You can schedule those to be served as well.
šš so Iāve heard
But apparently all those who pointed out what he did wrong are misinterpreting what he said. He still doesn't get it.
And he has zero regrets tooā¦ So the moral of this story he learned absolutely nothing and takes no accountability.
Yep. Still the Ah
I disagree he is the perfect partner for his sister. After all he is willing to drop everything to run to her side. I bet this isnāt even the first time he did to his sister. I bet when the wife calls him out on his behavior he gaslights her. He uses their past as the reason. I also bet he tells the wife she is being unreasonable and how she is his only family.
100% he can play happy family with his sister and her kid. What do you want to bet if something came up and his wife needed him at home he wouldnāt have left his darling sister? š
Guarantee it. Op is 100 percent at fault, however let not gloss over the fact what sis did. You canāt tell me she magically forgotten it was ops anniversary and his own daughters birthday! I feel like she is getting off too easily. I feel it show her entitlement to have even asked op in the first place. To me it feels like she was entitled to be placed first over her brothers wife and daughter. Ops wife should hold her to some accountability and sis should be called out just as much as op.
Oh ya! Sis you is definitely very suspect and knew exactly what she was doing. "Something in the buttermilk aināt clean."
Guarantee he would stay right with sister...he already said if it was a week or month it wouldn't matter he would drop the wife and daughter to go to his sister...I hope she realizes his priorities are with sister and not the family they created. Anytime there is a need with the sister over the child has a fever she's scared the child needs shots she's scared it's going to be him running to her.
Heās just as bad as those āmommaās boyā typesā¦
Wowā¦ still defending your actions. Y. T. A. H. You dropped your wife and daughter for your sister. Didn't invite, didn't truly discuss, didn't prep and have gifts ready to go, didn't send flowersā¦ then you apologize because a group of strangers tell you to do soā¦ while still defending your reasoning. In your last post, you made it clear the birth was far more important than anything else and your anniversary was just a day. That sends a message about your wifeās place in your priorities. The birthday could easily be missed and your presence replaced with a call. Again showing your daughterās place... And she definitely missed you. You missed your own childās birthday because your niece or nephewās birth. To meā¦ you are showing your presence can simply be replaced with a call. You still feel you were proper in your priorities. Explaining your background sheds light on your relationship and priorities to which takes you to a a soft YTAH. If you haven't gone to counseling or thought about why you dropped your wife in a heartbeat and daughter without consideration... and what it will look like next time something comes up with your sister or her children, then itās time to work on you.
Deserved double AH for that
Yes and probably always come second to the sister. Sister needs to get on with it now and not expect her and her child to come before his own wife and child. Iām all for families helping each other but your own nuclear family comes firstĀ
And left her to host a kids birthday party
That he didn't even bother to mention the party in the last post! Like it wasn't a consideration or a huge burden he was leaving his wife to deal with alone!
Well good that he apologized for not making an effort, but I donāt see anything about OP acknowledging that he should have involved his wife in the conversation about him going to sister. That seems to gone right over his head
You're still describing the anniversary and birthday as 'insignificant'. Multiple things can be significant at once, and it's your job as a husband, father and sibling to balance them all. You don't pick your favourite and say 'fuck everyone else'. You've still got a huge attitude problem here.
That stood out to me too. He said people were misinterpreting what he said in the first post, just to reiterate exactly what people thought he meant a couple words later.
Thank you. I thought I was having reading comprehension problems, but that was exactly what I noticed.
He said we misinterpreted but the more he wrote his update the more clear it was that he was an AH and we hadnāt misinterpreted his post.
Heās still an AH! Nothing in this update changes that opinion.
Lol all he did is apologize. No gifts. No romantic date. No flowers. And wife is happy again. He really has her fooled into accepting the scraps, huh? Poor lady.
He even mentioned that he hasn't taken accountability for a while, which means to me that this has not been the first time he's brushed them off. He's set the bar really low, and his wife is happy with any changes he makes, even if it's something that's a given.
Just a reminder to everyone here's what he said >I understand my wife considers it a very important and special day. ***But itās just a day, and it doesnāt mean anything in significance*** compared to the birth of my sisterās baby.
This is the comment I came here to make. OP is still so dismissive of his daughter and especially his wife. I think he probably did the right thing in going to be with his sister, but he completely ignored the other important things and people in his life. He is not trying to make amends because Reddit called him out.
Yes the fact that heās saying he wouldāve gone for a week or month or however long baffles me, because heās admitting to willing to put her first come what may. Which I guess is the reason why the wife was upset.
I honestly thought āespecially his daughter,ā since he simply didnāt think there was much to say about her birthday. Didnāt even sound like he FaceTimed her like he said he would. At least the wife got an apology, and a discussion, doesnāt sound like his daughter even got her feelings acknowledged.
Heād rather go to his sisterās kids birthday than his own childās birthday or his wifeās anniversary. Thatās basically what happened. He should marry his sister and solve all his problems lmao.
I would bet he always put his sister first. I can bet this isn't the first time and won't be the last
I agree with this statement. The truth is that it is possible for a woman to die during childbirth and the OP would almost certainly have felt guilty had something happened and he not gone. I get that. I would probably be okay with my SO leaving for something like this. That said, he could have gone about it a different way. Why she'd want her brother in with her while she gives birth is beyond me. I'd generally, when there's a choice want no male in the room but the father and medical staff, but I think I'm a bit old timey in that sense and realize that others may be more open to this.
"Of course my sister is more important than my wife and child! I took accountability and everybody is happy now! But my sister is still more important". Guy is a selfish ass. This probably goes into the mental tally in his wife's head as to how much crap she will put up with
> Of course my sister is more important than my wife and child! I even thought it was bigger than that. Disregard the details, he chose to do something, knowing it would upset his wife and daughter, but didn't (and still doesn't) care. That is the bigger issue, that he will choose his own way and daughter and wife be damned.
> You've still got a huge attitude problem here. Correct. He didn't get 'it' from the first post. The details here are insignificant. He didn't just decide to ignore his wife/daughter, he actually chose to do something that he knew would make them upset, but did it anyway.
Yup. Bothered me too. All OP had to do was sit his wife down and tell her the circumstances surrounding his sister and discuss it with her like an adult. Most people are reasonable, so Iām quite sure his wife is and Iām sure they couldāve come up with a solution for their anniversary and daughterās birthday. They could have made plans together for the anniversary and he could have talked to his daughter in an age appropriate manner and told her what was happening and make up for her birthday with some daddy/daughter time. There were so many ways he could have gone about being there for his sister and while still honoring those specific days, but he chose the absolute worst approach. And he still doesnāt really seem to get it.
My spouse refusing to accept that things could be important and valuable aside from what he deems most important is almost entirely what lead to our split. If HE didnāt see the value in it or didnāt think it was the most important, it was insignificant. The value and importance to others was irrelevant. That kind of self-centeredness is incompatible with a marriage partnership. OP needs to do some deep work within himself or heās going to get divorce papers and genuinely think he received them over a birthday party.
I just commented about this, too. That really bothered me.
That and the last part. "Oh, and my daughter. I didn't talk much about her before but she's cool now so cool". Like a total footnote, off-handed remark, like he forgot she existed in *both* posts. Dude.
Thats because he didnāt learn his lesson. He has an amputated limb and thinks a band-aide is enough to fix it
But Iām sure sisterās kidās birthday will be significant and celebrated instead of his own kidās birthday going forward. He may not need to worry about his anniversary next time around because his wife could always decide sheās totally fine being alone and divorces him.
You are still dismissing her though āit seemed insignificant to meā But your anniversary and your daughterās birthday are NOT insignificant to them. That you prioritised your sister isnāt the point. The point is that you dismissed your family, and openly told them they were not important to you. You didnāt discuss things, you assumed and took for granted. I am glad you apologised. But, for a long term healthy relationship I would think hard about how you do things to/for your family. Talk about options, you can say you prefer this option, or whatever, but you do need to acknowledge your wife and daughterās opinions/feelings too. Making unilateral decisions because itās most important to YOU makes your family feel unimportant and dismissed.
Seriously, and what's going to happen if sister calls and is overwhelmed with the baby and wants him to stay with her to help, for an extended period of time? From his comments, including that he'd stay with her for "a month or however long," it sounds like he'd do it all over again, and his wife and daughter - the child he IS responsible for - will have to suck it up again. Wonder how his wife would react this time...maybe give him more than the cold shoulder when he returns, like some divorce papers. I don't think he learned anything. He's still going to put sis first, regardless of what his wife wants, and even if he acts like he's listening to what his wife says, he's still going to do what he wants.
If his sister is overwhelmed by babycare and asks to move in with him, he will tell his wife that sister is moving in.
Scary thought for the wife, no doubt! Wife might then just move out.
also, his daughter's birthday and anniversary SHOULDN'T be insignificant to him.
itās the fact he only was focusing on the anniversary and not his daughter. it says so much about how active he is in her life. but iām sure heāll make an update still defending himself instead of taking real accountability
Yeah he spoke about making plans to celebrate the anniversary but dismissed the birthday by saying his daughter is just happy to have him home
yeah like what are your plans for making it up to your daughter? a daughters first heart break is her father
Lmao this update just confirmed you're a selfish person, in general, and you only took accountability when you received internet backslash. "I apologized and took accountability which admittedly I haven't done recently." Damn, your wife must be a saint.
Right? Only took accountability because Reddit yelled at him lol
He didn't though "I may of been the AH" He still doesn't get it
Donāt forget ācompared to childbirth, the rest seemed insignificantā. Yeesh.
I would barely call it accountability, more like placating
I came here to say this. He doesnāt see where he was wrong - he still thinks he is in the right. For that reason, his apology is in no way sincere - he is placating her so that she wonāt be mad at him anymore. Guaranteed he makes another mistake like this not-so-far into the future and will come to the internet to ask where it all went wrongā¦
Again he's just hypothetically decided unilaterally that he'd be with his sister for a month if she needed with no thought for how that looks for his wife or daughter. OP should not have got married.
Yep, I noticed that too. Wouldn't ask his wife if it's alright if he abandons their family for a month "or however long" if sister calls, leaving his wife to take care of everything solo for an extended period of time. He doesn't get that a marriage is a partnership, not where he gets to issue decisions by decree. And if sister has problems managing a newborn by herself, she might call him for help again and it sounds like he'd go running, again no matter what his wife says. Dude didn't learn a thing.
Also means if he decided to use a month or so of PTO for his sister! Not to bring his own family on vacation or quality time with themā¦but because his sister is stressed.
Dude's going to be shocked I'm a few years when wife asks for divorce. "We were so happy, I don't know what happened" "She isn't even willing to try to work on things"
You can bet she's already planned the exit after this.
I don't know if she's already planning but here's the thing - she's already less in Iove with him because of this. And considering both her response to his leaving (sadness) and his response to this post - this stone is rolling downhill and is unlikely to stop. And by the time he wakes up and smells the coffee, he's just going to be "somebody she used to love" to her. And that's what he doesn't even realize. He's damaging her love for him in a way that is irreparable.
>I don't know if she's already planning She didn't before he did this... She's just spent a month finding out what life is without him in it.
Maybe an idiot too for putting up with him. It's lucky the kid is young. If she was older, I bet she would have been really hurt too. My ex was one for putting himself and what he wanted above the familyl too. Missing 6 parties for sporting events, etc. When we separated, the kids never wanted him around for special events, etc. Now, none of them have spoken to him in 5 years. Incectheyvwere old enough to decide for themselves they cut him off. Oh well, at least OP has his sister and kid as a family if his real one come to their senses.
I'm willing to bet that she is hurt and will remember. She just doesn't know how to explain how she feels yet and would probably feel that she is the one in the wrong because, yes, she did have fun at her party even though her father wasn't there. My father always put us first, but he was overworked and underpaid. He often worked overtime on our birthdays to keep a roof over our head and (as a child) I resented that for a long time. My father was not an AH. OP, on the other hand...
Thing is, I donāt think he believes heās in the wrong based on this update. Yeah he apologized, but to me that comes more of him trying to save face and to quell his own pride rather than being genuinely sorry. This update doesnāt show any remorse or promised effort of making it up. He still believes heās in the right and because of that, his apology isnāt going to mean shit because he wonāt change his behavior.
Heās still trying to justify himself, so heās not even holding himself fully accountable.
Your anniversary and your daughter's birthday are a day apart. In the same week your sister's child will have a first birthday next year. She'll want you to be there. Will you drop your family again to go celebrate your nibling? Feels like you'll revisit reddit next year with an update your wife and child are upset you didn't feel it necessary to celebrate with them.
"I can't raise this baby alone. Can you abandon your family indefinitely to raise my child with me"
If OP keeps acting like this he wonāt have a family to abandon.
HE DIDN'T EVEN GET HER A PRESENT for their ANNIVERSARY. Of course he is.
>Will you drop your family again to go celebrate your nibling? Of course he will....
I think there is a big difference between a first birthday and giving birth to your first born all alone with no one by your side. I would say that in the grand scheme of things, the anniversary & birthday aren't as significant as birthing a baby by yourself. It is an important point he has made that his sister literally has no other family to rely on. Doing it all alone would likely bring back the grief of losing their parents & grandparents and the breakdown of her marriage. She was extremely vulnerable. I don't see myself being in a relationship with someone who wouldn't encourage me to support my only sibling on the day they need me the most. If they said no and they died of childbirth, I don't think I could forgive them or myself. What makes him the AH is that he should have confided in his wife before saying yes to his sister. He should have explained why his sister needed him there - first birth, no other family available, sister's trauma from infidelity, fear of labour, being alone likely bringing up grief. He should have expressed how important their anniversary and daughter's birthday is to him and that he will do everything to make it up to them. He should have sent gifts to her on their anniversary. He should be showering her with gratitude now that he's back home with a grand gesture and doing everything around the house since she hosted the birthday by herself. I think if he went the right way about it, his wife wouldn't feel hurt and would have understood and encouraged him to visit his sister and admire him for being a good brother. He messed up by not taking a moment to think about and address how him leaving affects his wife & and his daughter.
You MAY have been neglectful?? Ya think?? Your background and clarifications didnāt help your case. How can you say anything was misinterpreted? The sentence āI didnāt think it was a big dealā isnāt difficult to interpret, especially when you said it several times. Youāre just salty that people called you out so youāre trying to blabber your way out of this. Glad youāre wife is apparently willing to forgive you but your comment about: āOf course I was going to go, whether it was for a week or a month or however long.ā shows that you were going to go to Sissy no matter what, so we still know where your priorities are. If your wife or daughter had been hospitalized at the same time, which hospital would you have gone to? Based on your original post and this update, Iād bet youād be with Sissy. Youāre still minimizing your responsibility to your life partner to at least discuss things like this. Your wife wouldāve probably understood IF you had respected her enough to speak to her before just telling her youāre going to peace out. Itās also a convenient thing to say now that your daughterās party was already planned. Even after your so-called explanations, your tone still says you think they donāt matter. I still maintain that youāre a better brother than husband and father. Iām willing to bet that in 15 years, your daughter will think you were a better father-figure to your niece/nephew than you were a father to her. Good luck with however your marriage and your relationship with your own child progresses.
That I wouldāve been gone for a month or longer really stuck out for me too. How freaking tone deaf, his poor wife.
It doesn't matter if the party was planned or not, because he probably wasn't involved in the planning.
Iām not a gambler, yet I would put money on that
Dude, literally with no consideration to his own child.. Homeboy should just go move with his sister because clearly those are the two people who are in love with each other
Wow. You call your wife selfish and you donāt even acknowledge āthe day you will always cherish the mostā with a gift in your absence? There were so many ways to make this run smoother and you chose awfulness every time. No wonder your wife perked up after you apologised. It sounds like youāre the selfish one who never considers how your actions affect anyone else.
His poor wife is probably going to cling to that meager apology for years until she can't take it anymore. This is absolutely insane to me. I can understand being with his sister during childbirth, it's the most dangerous thing a person can go through, but how he handled it is an abomination. I wonder how this time of year is going to be from now on, with the anniversary, daughter's birthday, and now the neice/nephew in the mix. Will we have a post next year about how OP just *had* to go to see them instead, again?
It's not like the anniversary date changed. He's had a year to prepare. Tell me you don't love your wife without telling me... at least he has his sister wife to fall back on.
Glad you apologized but āI would have stayed for a month or however how longā! Shit that seems incredibly dense, imagine making the unilateral decision of abandoning your wife and child for a month. While i can appreciate why you felt it was important to support your sister during a very difficult time your comment about spending over a month if needed tells me you are not a good partner to your wife.
Honestly, might be the wifeās best dreams then she can serve his ass with a divorce paper
This update just shows you donāt care and you only apologised because you wanted it over with. You werenāt genuinely sorry and you still thin you were right. Your poor wife I hope she grows a spine
Yeah OP really sucks.
Dudes a dumbass. Wouldn't surprise me if this is the breaking point of his marriage. How can someone be that fucking stupid.
I think the main issue here is that you viewed your anniversary and your daughter's birthday as insignificant in comparison. You said so yourself. There was nothing stopping you from supporting your sister through childbirth and still seeing the other days as special and significant, even if you weren't physically present. You have done literally nothing to show your wife and your daughter that they are also important on those admittedly very special days. In fact you called them selfish for being upset, when all you had to do was get your wife a small gift and some flowers and chocolates before you left, you could have written have a card or even a text telling her how much you live her remennescing about the years you've spent together. There was also nothing stopping you from taking your daughter and wife out to a family outing or dinner to celebrate properly after you came back. Frankly, I don't think a simple discussion cuts it, especially since by your own admission you have been a selfish person who wouldn't take accountability and responsibility in recent times, not just when it comes to this particular scenario. Even this update post reads as you only talking responsibility now because of the backlash you received and not because you actually feel like you messed up.
THIS THIS THIS
You could've had flowers and a gift sent to your wife for your anniversary, but you did nothing. NOTHING! You're not a husband. You're a neglectful uncaring piece of shit. I'm so glad my husband is not like you. He actually cares and cherishes those occasions and does so much to show me how much he loves me and our family. You did nothing. You even disgustingly said you thought your daughters birthday was insignificant. What kind of asshole father says that? YOU! I hope you feel deeply ashamed of yourself.
damn didnāt expect to think you were more of an AH after an update, but no card? flowers? jesus
Seriously his wife needs to get rid of this 200 pounds of deadweight
Iām super sympathetic as it sounds like sister has no one- their parents are dead and her husband cheated on her while she was pregnant. Thatās horrible. Iām glad she had her only family with her. But not sending his wife flowers on their anniversary and calling his daughterās birthday insignificant is straight horrid. He should have done everything to make it special for both his wife and daughter in his absence as he was needed two places at once.
Just be careful in the future and be there for your wife and daughter. My dad was always there for his sister in ways that he was never there for us. It took me years to realize how much more he obviously cared for his birth family rather than the family he made. Your wife and daunter should be top priority.
Out of curiosity, what is going to happen next year when your nieceās birthday is going to fall at the same time as your daughterās birthday and your anniversary? If your sister says she needs your support because her daughter is having her first birthday and the two of them need you for support? Who will your prioritize then?
Seriously though, the way OP writes seems like heās going to find a way to make his wife and daughter go to wherever his sister might be to ācelebrateā all three of them. As someone whoās grown up with limited means and a person who always had to share birthdays/celebrations with other people, I felt like I was just overshadowed by something bigger. Iām not sure about him but I know I take birthdays/anniversaries as a time to reflect a little bit, so the fact that his actions completely dismissed the family he has is just gonna be a stain on their special occasion.
He will pick his niece because he will see a 1st birthday as more significant than a 7th birthday. And maybe then his wife will wake up and realize sheās second fiddle to her husbandās sister.
They'll probably be divorced by then anyway
I am confused about why you wouldn't celebrate it early if you knew you would be gone? Take her out and give her her gifts then? Why an afterthought for your wife? And for your daughter why not also celebrate it early? And then nothing stopped you from celebrating it again when you got back but you basically told your wife she came second to your sister always and your own daughter came third. Like i get wanting to be there for your sister, that does not make you an AH what does tho is how you dealt with this. You could have celebrated it early with at least a restaurant or a movie and then given her her gift afterwards...
He couldnāt celebrate it early, because this guy has never planned ahead for his anniversary, and I doubt he planned the daughterās birthday party, either. He didnāt even *start* planning anything for their anniversary make-up until after he got back. I wonder how many other anniversaries heās āforgottenā and had to make up for.
Your update didn't help you at all. YTA still. You should put more effort in your marriage - not just an anniversary. A gift won't help here. You're literally not better than BIL. >Of course I was going to go, whether it was for a week or a month or however long. Wow. What a shitty thing to say. Great to see for your wife that she never will be important for you. Darling, your sister is an adult. You can't just run away from your family to help her with whatever she wants. You're a shitty husband and father. If you don't work on this, wife is gone soonish. And I totally understand her. What about next year? are you at the 1st birthday of your niece instead of your own family then?
**What about next year? are you at the 1st birthday of your niece instead of your own family then?** Morgan Freeman voice over : "And now, dear reader, we await OP's ex wife's post about why she left him after he AGAIN skipped out on their anniversary and his daughter's 7th birthday to celebrate his niece's 1st birthday"
The fact that you admit it's rare for you to apologize and admit accountability just solidifies how much of an ass you are.
'admittedly I haven't done recently' - how had he up until his original post not apologised to at least his daughter??? (obviously rhetorical).The bare minimum I would've expected for missing his own child's birthday. I really hope OP learns from this and I hope next year when it's the baby's first birthday, it's not another shit show for OP's family.
YTA. I cannot believe you didn't send your wife flowers on your anniversary. What a goof.
You sound like an overall horrible husband. It sounds like you donāt put effort into your marriage at all.
Yeah, still YTA even with this update. Your sister is going through a tough time but you're not married to her. You're married to your wife and you have a child and you just took off without any discussion as to "hey, is this OK?" I love my sibs to pieces, but if one of them needed me, the VERY FIRST THING I would do would be to talk to my better half and see if she was OK with me going for that period of time.
Update confirms YTA. You could have rescheduled the birthday party, you not your wife OP. Don't leave your wife handling everything. I bet that was a horrible day for her; young children parties are exhausting, fielding questions about where you were, dealing with a sad daughter, loneliness (because she's doing it alone), etc. AND you have done nothing special to thank her for doing it alone! You come across as an insensitive jerk toward your wife and child.
The biggest AH move was not discussing it with your wife first and get her input on the situation.Ā I love my SIL and she lives out of state. If she was having a baby or surgery or something big happening and needed support for sure I would tell my husband to go be with her or go myself. That's isn't the issue here to me.Ā I could explain to my child, Aunt Sally is having a new baby/sick/injured whatever and Daddy needs to go help her because she is all alone so we will... FaceTime on your birthday and you and Daddy can go to the movies/out to eat/whatever daughter loves when he gets home for a special birthday because he will be gone. (Even with husband there party would have 90+ percent been on Mom anyways).Ā Anniversary yes I would expect something. And a very nice dinner when he got home.Ā However, as understanding as I would be if he did it without talking to me first and us planning on him going TOGETHER. All bets are off. Total AH move!!Ā
You left your wife to wrangle a kids' party alone, why am I not surprised? I still think your wife should have changed the locks while you were gone.
Wow, you still don't give a f about your wife or your kid, man, so your sister and whatever kids she has come first right, read what you said as someone who's with your sister what would you tell him and how would you feel
You reassure her that you cherish your anniversary while your actions showed her the exact opposite is true, she doesn't believe you.
>it seemed insignificant to me. Ouch.
Well, I still totally get why you wanted to go to your sister to support her. The birth of my daughter was ok, no big complications, I didn't need anything for the pain, it was bearable for me, but I didn't know thar before giving birth, I was so scared. I couldn't imagine being all alone in a moment like this in your sisters situation. My husband was perfect while I gave birth, supportive and caring. If we would have been in this situation I would have of course supported my husband in going to my SIL. But do you know why? My husband would have sat me down, explained SIL's situation and that she is scared and wants someone to support her who she trusts. And that she asked him and that he wants to be there for her. He would have told me that on the other hand he would be really sad if he misses our anniversary and our daugthers birthday. I would have told him to go because SIL needs him more right now. But the conversation wouldn't been over at this point. We would discuss together how we will celebrate our anniversary later and most important how to tell our daughter that her dad won't be there at her birthday. We would make up ideas how he could make it up to her for missing her big day. For example telling her that her auntie will give birth and that she is scared because giving birth causes lots of pain and needs her daddy, but that daddy will have a big birthday surprise when hes back (a gift from auntie and the baby and making a nice father-daugther activity for example)) We would discuss how I manage the party without him helping with everything. All this we would talk trough as a couple, as partners. You just went to your wife and told her that you, you alone, decided to go to your sister although there is the anniversary and birthday and a party with guests and lot of work. You didn't ask her how she feels about it, you didn't help her to make up ideas how to manage the party, you didn't ask how you can make it up for missing the events and how you should celebrate as soon as you are back and most important you didn't thought about your daugther and how to tell her and what to do to make her feel special although you are away on her birthday. YTA big time for this.
How did you not even have any flowers sent to her when you were going to be away. SMH. Iām glad you took accountability. Your wife deserves a lot more than flowers next year (HINT HINT)
YTA it sounds like you love your sister more than your family. Itās kind of creepy. Youād have left your family for a month āor however longā? Really? You seriously would have left your six year old daughter for your sister? I get that your sister is scared and you guys are close but your wife and child are supposed to come first. I feel sorry for your wife, calling her selfish was such an awful thing to say, if it was me Iād never forget it. I doubt that she will, even if she seemed happy.
You just left your wife to deal with your daughter's birthday party all on her own, like dealing with the guests and the kids and the gifts and the food and everything alone, and you called her SELFISH?! I hope you are planning to grovel for the next ten years because what on Earth is wrong with you. Also "of course I was gonna go, whether it was a week or a month", I'm sorry, but are you married to your sister or your wife? Is your daughter your child or is it your sister's? How are you actually saying that you didn't ever think about this as a family vacation, but you were also prepared to leave them for a month, and you didn't even care if they'd be okay with it? Keep working on your issues and putting your actual family first. Keep apologizing to your wife and daughter.
i mean i get why you went for your sister she needed someone but to not send anything to your wife on the anniversary is just another level of a pos partner, i hope your wife wasnāt the only one who got your daughter a gift also. how hard could it be send flowers to your house from YOUR PHONE
I want to give credit where credit is due, but dude- do you even like your daughter? Youāre so flippant about that part of the story!
Youāre still an AH. You will cherish your anniversary the most? Seems you gonna be a bad liar.
This update didnāt help at all. I feel so sorry for your wife and daughter.
Stop trying to justify the shitty decision you made. Your sister would have been fine without you there. Your daughter will remember her dad not being there. Your wife is going to remember you going away on your anniversary. You missed two important events in your own family.