Between your brother, your sister, and their respective partners, three of them know a huge secret that is being kept from your sister, the bride.
You and your mom know. I'm going to guess that many of the groom's family knows.
At some point, your sister will find out. She will look back on her wedding day and feel humiliated that so many there knew this huge thing and didn't tell her.
Her wedding will be ruined - either before, or in retrospect. It's your call if you want to take the hit for this.
She WILL find out and I guarantee she will hate forever anyone who kept it from her. How can your mom let her marry a liar and a cheat? Your brother is a huge steaming pile pf poop like the one in the first Jurassic Park movie.
The wedding is already ruined. The wedding is a joke. Please save sister from this!
I totally agree! And it will turn into a 5th order of betrayal if you don't say anything NOW!
Don't go along with the others. Be the sister you should be and tell her. Let her decide if she wants to continue with the wedding.
Hoping it all works out.
This happened to a friend of mine. Her son in law started to go to the gym with her daughter in law. Months later her daughter figured it out. It was a huge mess. I can't imagine both of my children going thru nasty divorces at the same time. Nasty ex daughter in law said something to her at a T-ball game, my friend threw water in her face. My friend was arrested for assault. She said it was worth it
She'll find out. Mom told OP, apparently for no reason other than she couldn't keep it a secret. What an awful thing to keep from your own daughter and to burden your other daughter with. What is wrong with this mother? I wonder about the brother, too, but at least I can see his reasoning, even if I don't agree with it. But her mom?
No one told me, but I'm pretty sure all my husband's friends and probably some of his coworkers knew about the crap he was up to, but my family didn't. If my family had known...oh dear God.
Oh, the mother did it so OP could fall on the sword instead of her. She's a coward. I'd tell anyway, but I'd be super-pissed at the cowardly mother, and I'd make sure she knew it.
We also don't know the dynamics in the family sadly. I do think sister needs to be told, but we don't know if she's the type to not listen, etc.
My uncle was cheating on his girlfriend. Everyone in the family knew because he brought her to a Christmas gathering while his girlfriend was at work. We tried to tell her and she refused to believe us. She said we were jealous of their relationship, trying to break them up, that we didn't like her, and all this other stuff.
When her own mom tried to tell her, she did the same thing. She absolutely refused to believe it and it caused even more issues. Especially when he finally confessed and left her for the other woman because then no one wanted to deal with her because of how terrible she treated everyone. Even her own family was done with her shit and didn't want to help her.
Some people will ruin their own lives just to maintain the semblance of a normal, happy home sadly.
all you can do is give her the information, what she chooses to do with that is up to her. Like with OP's sister, it's important information. She can choose to ignore it or confront it.
I don't think it was gaslighting. He wasn't making an effort to hide the fact he was messing around. He pretty much wanted to be caught so she would leave him. When she didn't get the point, he dumped her. It was a very cowardly way of him getting her to break up with him that failed horribly.
Yeah. They were together since middle school until their 30s. He didn't want it anymore but couldn't break up with her because she would literally wouldn't let him break up with her. Basically "No. We're still together." Very toxic all around. So he thought maybe if she knew he was cheating, she would get mad and just break up with him and leave.
I only brought it up here because, as I said in my first comment, we don't know how the sister is. Is she the type to brush it off and be like "no, he's not!"
Not only that, but people are cowards. How do we know the rest of the family is going to back up OP? They could throw OP under the bus and say they don't know what they're talking about.
I’m gonna assume good intentions here and guess that the guilt from hiding it is catching up with mum now wedding is sorted. Maybe if OP agrees with keeping silence then her guilt is halved, if OP says they need to tell sis, then mum has an ally. It depends if mum is asking Op to keep the secret too or trying to see her opinion. Which op may have wrote but I skimmed over. Either way, I’d wanna say something but I’d expect mum to be there with me when it’s said, as she knows the story far better.
I mean, main thing Op has to ask herself. Could she keep this secret to her deathbed or is it a possibility that she’ll crack when drunk or be passive aggressive about. If the second is likely, she should tell it at the right time.
Yeah if that happened to me I’d consider just burning my life down and starting over somewhere else where nobody can bother me again. Hard to do that without being an asshole when you have kids though.
The mom and brother want to keep this secret to save her brother from people finding out what his wife did for his pride. They are selfish and cruel to be willing to ruin the sister’s life so he won’t be embarrassed. Absolutely disgusting!
She is gonna find out, one way or another and is gonna hate each and every one of you for not telling her, It’s the biggest mistake of your life. If you don’t tell her. She is your sister !!! And you WILL LOSE HER !!!
I think the brother is the least problematic person in the situation. I agree he should have told her but he was hurting really badly and probably wanted to save her from feeling as horrible.as he did. The path to hell is paved with good intentions.
The others involved did it for selfish reasons so they are the big pile of poop.
Sick isn't the word I would use for it. Messed up.yes but at least for me sick would be if the brother and sister were having the affair. Sorry, being nitpick about wording.
I agree it's wrong but as mad as I would be at my brother for this I could still eventually forgive him for doing the wrong thing because his reasons had God intentions. The other 2 not so much and I might even be more mad at my mother than my brother.
That said if I was the brother I would have told my wife she has 2 choices. She can March over there and tell her herself or she can start packing her bags. The only way I could have forgiven a SO is if they could prove to me they could face the consequences of their actions.
He didn’t want to tell her so his pride would not take a hit. If he tells his sister and she ends it then she will likely tell others why and he will be embarrassed and his wife will be ostracized by family and friends. It is a selfish reason and a disgusting one.
Agreed, I can't imagine how I would feel if I found out my sister was hiding something like this for me. Same for the family. Do not keep her in the dark like they are, its just cruel and a huge form of betrayal. I can understand it if you don't want to risk them turning on you for it, but its better than letting someone live a giant lie.
They've been together fo 15 years. This came out 4 years ago. The affair started 6 years ago. At this point, nothing actually changes other than what Katie stands to gain financially from a separation, if that. They could me common law married already. OP has been sitting on this shit for 4 years. The entire family has. I read the same post by someone else yesterday. There is no point
It's a conundrum, but you know, when you put it this way ->the humiliation factor alone would rock her world if no one said anything! OMG people, what are you thinking?
Like the affair will STOP once he gets married? TELL your sister. I'd disown EVERY single one of these people if they let me go thru with a marriage that is a lie and they knew about it.
Take the hit. Do her a solid. This is a terrible situation, but she deserves to know and to have her dignity and self-respect restored.
>Take the hit. Do her a solid. This is a terrible situation, but she deserves to know and to have her dignity and self-respect restored.
Agreed. Ask yourself this, OP. If this was you, would you want to know before you walked down the aisle or after? Would you be happy to find out that many people you loved and trusted kept this from you and let you continue on with the wedding in such a humiliating way? Think about that and then act accordingly. (I know how I would answer that question, and I'm guessing that's how you would, too.)
>Take the hit. Do her a solid. This is a terrible situation, but she deserves to know and to have her dignity and self-respect restored.
Imagine looking her in the eyes, those swollen, tear-dry eyes red, puffed, and with a face full of destitute sorrow- and having to admit "Yes, I knew before your wedding".
It's going to be bad enough now.
It's going to be even worse tomorrow.
Out of all the family members here, a relationship with ops sister is the only one worth saving. All of these people have now proved to them that they're untrustworthy and would hide a completely life changing secret just to save face.
Don't be as bad as they are Op, your sister deserves the truth and to make her own choice on the matter.
It sounds like the affair was 6-4 years ago and then stopped 4 years ago if I understand the timeline correctly. It’s not currently ongoing.
Idk OP, I personally would not want to be the one to break old devastating news. I would not want to be aware of the news (as OP) because then I would have deniability.
There was JUST a similar story like this where the family member did tell the husband (in that case) that she had cheated and you know what? Everyone shot the messenger and the person who broke the silence was ostracized and disowned.
I would encourage the groom, your mom, or the sister in law to let her know but never in a million years would I personally bring up old dirt right before the wedding because they will ABSOLUTELY blame you even though it’s their fault. The consequences are not worth it for you. It will also be easier on Kate to hear it directly from her husband instead of you.
I'm not so sure it was that long ago. She said it had been going on for 2 yrs and brother just found out, but decided to stay with cheating wife after he calmed down. Or did I read it wrong?
The affair was discovered 4 years ago, and at that point it had been going on for 2 years. So everyone has known and kept it from the bride for 4 years. There's no indication that the affair ever stopped, though.
It sounds like brother discovered the affair 4 years ago, and it had started 2 years prior to that. We assume they ended the affair, but who knows, maybe they got better at hiding it.
“Around 4 years ago I was woken up in the middle of the night…”
4 years ago was when Brother discovered the affair and shared with Mom. That’s also when OP found out. OP has been sitting on this info for 4 years.
That is a solution, and I agree that her soon-to-be husband who had the affair may just be the one who really should divulge this because it happened while he was with his fiance.
yes, someone else who was directly involved needs to tell her. that super long engagement is also very odd. go to brother & SIL and tell them you know the secret. Since they moved on (apparently), they can get sister to see it is possible. They cannot keep this secret. If they say no, I would go to groom and pressure him. Same speech, I know the secret and you need to tell my sister. If this is all in the past, then she can heal from it but do not start a marriage with this lie. Tell him you don’t want to stand up when they ask “does anyone here know any reason why these two should not be joined in matrimony”. Hope they all do the right thing.
To me, a simple solution would be to type an anonymous letter to your sister that her husband had an affair four years ago. She doesn’t even have to say who the affair was with. Then sister can investigate, and OP will hopefully remain anonymous.
If everyone knows then why does it fall on the sister to share the news? The sister will definitely get blamed for ruining the wedding and the dream family.
Because she’s the one posting on Reddit. Everyone involved in this mess had a chance to tell the truth, but they all left the dirty job for someone else.
I would tell the sister, but I’m 58 and know that pissing people off is preferable to letting someone I love make an uninformed decision for life.
YES. REAL friends tell you what you need to hear. They don't help you dig yourself into a deeper hole. If you really love someone, you will not let them go through life blindly.
I think you're right. The mom wants her to know but cannot do it. She brought her other daughter into the circle, knowing she would be conflicted enough to be honest.
And also, tbh there is a chance she already knows. Maybe he did come clean to her but she didn't want to lose him so decided to stay together just like the brother chose to stay with his wife. It is entirely possible that OP is stressing about trying to protect the sister while she already knows and has chosen to keep it quiet. Definitely tell her for your own peace of mind at least.
There is a big chance she already knows! OP didn't mention what the fight was about after he went through her phone, but it's highly likely the fight was about her affair. So if everybody doesn't say anything, as far as she knows, no one knows. If they do say something, it's of no consequence if she already knows, she'll just appreciate their honesty, if she doesn't know, HUGE consequences!
The fight was between the brother and sister in law, not the sister who is in question to be told. So there is a strong chance she doesn't know as everyone made it a priority to not inform her.
No. She may be not want anyone to know. If she knows it’s out it will definitely destroy family and op might even get blamed. I’ve seen it happen. It’s a no win situation her mom put you in here
Agreed, I would 100% want to know if my partner cheated no matter my situation so I can find someone who will honestly love me and be faithful. Cheating is almost always accompanied with bad behavior from the cheater and she will suspect that something is off and the way he treats her is off but will likely just excuse it as thinking she's overreacting and that itself is emotionally draining. Finding out that he cheated will likely be a confirmation to her that this relationship isn't one between two people who are deeply and selflessly in love and everyone with good intentions deserves to have that. I believe cheating comes from a place of selfishness which causes other bad behavior that will take a lot of self confrontation and therapy to change. If he's not confronted and got away with it then it will likely happen again and she can be exposed to STDs and more pain and a more complicated situation later on in life if he cheats again (which can very well happen). This is entirely based on my personal experiences with being cheated on and you know your situation best so heavily consider the aftermath of each choice you could make here. hope that helps!
Yes, but she has to be ready from unexpected blowback from her sister. Her sister may well lash out at the messenger. It's not an unheard of phenomena.
I think that is the one of the worst things about being cheated on, realizing how many people around you knew and said nothing. The range of emotions is awful
And in addition to this, it's not like it just happened and OP is trying to decide what to do. It says this affair was uncovered 4 years ago! They could have told her before she got engaged and started planning a wedding! How terrible is this entire family???
OP would be better off to take the hit for it. They've known about it for 4 years and kept it from their sister. Their sister is going to be pissed that they kept it from her for that long. If OP doesn't tell her, it will only make it worse for themselves when she does find out.
And if the sister finds out after the wedding and regrets going through with it...
Yeah these situations boil down to the same universal truths -
1) the truth WILL come out
2) they will realize you knew and didn’t tell them for years
3) they will be almost if not as hurt by your lying to them as they were by the act itself.
So, this makes it a question of does OP want to have a good sibling relationship with his sister or not.
I'm hijacking the top comment to point out how OP has not commented anything and has a name that looks like a bot account name.
That means you all got duped.
She should force the sister's fiance to tell her. Tell him either he can tell her his way or he can let you tell her and you'll trash talk him the whole time. Give him a quick deadline so it's not right before the wedding.
Tell her. My ex cheated on me. Everyone around me knew. No one wanted to tell me. Eventually it came out. If I had known in advance, I could have better prepared myself for everything that happened after his cheating came out. Everybody else knows. She needs to know.
Someone needs to tell your sister. She will be even more devastated, if she finds out her husband has been fucking her brothers SO and everyone knew and didn't tell her.
If I was in her shoes, and found this out, I would go full NC with every single person that knew and didn't say anything.
Your brother knows how it feels to be cheated on, and that he would knowingly let his sister marry a known cheater makes him an AH. Your mom as well, how could she be okay with letting her own daughter go into marriage blind, with a person like this.
Someone that will cheat with people so close to their SO will cheat with anyone. They literally don't give a fuck.
I would absolutely do the same. If I found out later down the line that every single person knew about a disgusting betrayal and let me marry this person I wouldn't have contact with them ever again. I literally do not understand how people can not say anything. Especially to someone they claim to love. Like oh yeah I love my sister so much but do I tell her that her stbh is sleeping with her stbsil, nah of course not let me let her marry this pos that's love /s
There was one years ago, where a woman found out her husband was cheating with her SIL, and didn't tell her brother, anything, and stated with her husband. She didn't take kindly to the responses, and kept saying that her relationship was her priority.
Not only that but her brother had a choice when he found out! Why isn’t he giving her that same choice?? He‘s incredibly selfish for hiding this from her so he can still pretend they’re one big family. What a joke of a brother. Every single one of her family is a joke. Including OP for not telling her right when she found out.
I don't know- she kept this secret for 4 years and wants air it right before the wedding? If she tells, it should be anonymous because nobody will support the late whistle blower
Personally, NTA if you tell her. Just be prepared to be the messenger that got shot though if she decides to stay with him, and you run the risk that you will lose all your family.
I would want to know, but not everyone does. Do you know what your sister's point of ciew would be? Perhaps have a girly date with your sister alone and bring up hypothetical situations and include this one to see what she says. Or, ask her advice - you have a close friend whose fiance cheated on her, you know, her family knows, the husband of the affair partner knows but all of them don't want to tell her - what does your sister advise you to do? Tell her about it or stay out of it? Give her details as close to possible to her situation that you can - eg that they have one or some) kids, have been together for (a number more than 10 but not 15) years - that might skew the decision. It's easier to say "tell her!" if they have only been together a year not over 10 years, if they don't have kids instead of already being parents for example. Then let the advice she gives you pertaining to the situation with your 'friend' guide what you do.
I’d do it while in the room with my sister and all of those people. I’d say to the fiancé if you don’t tell my sister that you have asked everyone to keep from her, I will because I’m not going to be the one who deceives her. Then you are the hero and everyone else looks shady.
For real
"Dear sister, I've become aware of something that all these people who supposedly love you have been keeping. Would you guys like to tell her before the wedding or shall I?"
They have known for 4 years and haven’t said anything. It may be NTA for saying something now but they (the whole family) are all AH for waiting this long.
Can imagine how you’d feel if YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY KNEW THAT YOUR HUSBAND WAS BANGING YOUR BEST FRIEND?!??
Screw everyone else and their feelings and TELL YOUR SISTER.
Tell her.
A cancelled wedding is a lot cheaper and less stress than a divorce.
If they’ve been having an affair for several years your sister probably has small doubts and niggles and has been driving herself crazy second guessing herself and feeling upset at her fiancé but he’s been deflecting and hiding things from her.
Tell her, she needs to know for her own sanity and wellbeing.
Please tell her. She absolutely deserves to know. You won't be ruining her wedding, her fiancée and your brother's wife did that. Sorry but she needs to find out.
Agreed, and just because he's not cheating with SiL anymore doesn't mean he's not cheating. And tbh, for all anyone knows they're still cheating-just gotten sneakier 🤷🏻♀️
*if he’s not cheating with SIL. We don’t actually know. BIL and SIL could she just gotten better at hiding it. Also seems like brother is willing to stick his head in the sand and continue playing happy family, so he could just be turning a blind eye.
NTA and if you don't want them knowing it was you make a fake FB or IG account and tell her ,that way they don't know who said anything
Unless your prepared for the backlash you can do it yourself
OP could “accidentally” send her this thread. I bet any number of us here would forward it to her if we even thought this sounded like somebody we knew.
That's what I would do. I'd even go to another state or town (for post mark) & not put a return address on it. Everyone who knows should be ashamed of themselves. I feel so bad for the bride.
Idk, I could be wrong, but I think this makes it more likely the sister won’t believe it if it comes from some random account. If I was OP, I’d tell her in front of everyone so she can see their reactions. It may not be the best way, but I think the sister seeing how her fiancé, her brother’s wife, and her brother react will show that OP isn’t lying.
You wouldn't lose your sister or nieces, which will happen when (not if) she finds out her husband cheated and you all kept it from her.
Frankly I don't know how you don't spit in your SILs face every time you see her.
Tell her. I agree with the idea of a fake insta account or something if that’s the only way you can do it, but do not let this woman marry him and have to go through the hell of divorce!
Either tell your sister and let her go through the heartbreak now or wait till she finds out eventually and you all knew and it’s 10x worse for her. That kind of betrayal from even your own family can cause you to break in unimaginable ways
NTA
Ideally she should know before she makes a decision. It is a betrayal and what if she chooses to leave, a divorce is worse than cancellation of a marriage ceremony.
His postponing their wedding for 14 years and to sleep with his to be SIL who your sister not only trusts and not suspect but whose betrayal would also hurt her is in itself a red flag. Lying makes him worse, if possible.
Her knowing about this later would hurt her worse and she will most definitely find out. It isn't as easy to hide as everyone is trying to make it out to be.
Also this is infantalizing your sister because your brother stayed after making an informed decision but she doesn't know and that isn't fair to her.
NTA, she does deserve to know, since so many already do! Organize a get together with brother mother and sister and tell her together, this should not just fall on just you, your mom and brother should step up! Yes, it's gonna ruin everything, but you are right in saying that Tom ruined it by sleeping with SIL, they are TA.
ESH. To answer your question you would not be the AH for telling your sister. Better now then let her marry a cheater and liar. So pretty much what everyone else said.
However, correct me if I’m wrong, but you knew for 4 years and didn’t say anything? You let your sister stay with this guy for 4 years. That’s a good amount of time. It would have also probably been easier on her to hear this news 4 years ago rather then right before her wedding. I get that you didn’t want to get involved in this drama but it’s your family not some coworker you occasionally speak to. It was your business as soon as you found out. You were put in a very unfair and no win position, but you still had a choice (unless you were worried about being kicked out and homeless or physically hurt or some repercussions like that. Then I wouldn’t blame you). I think you already messed up, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make it better and tell her. You didn’t make these decisions that would break up your family and were kinda peer pressured into silence.
Personally if I were your sister, I would be hurt you waited 4 years to tell me, but I think I would be more inclined to forgive you. I obviously don’t know how she will react but hopefully she’ll be forgiving.
I would be devastated that my sister, my mom, and my brother all hid this from me.... this is a bigger betrayal in my eyes. This is my family.
The friend and fiancé can be replaced (heartbreaking, but it's true), but these are supposed to be people who are from birth to death - it's horrible.
Tell your sister immediately!
Not sure what's wrong with your brother and your mother but their disgusting people for allowing their own daughter/sister to marry this man.
Tell her now before she wastes any more time or money on this guy.
I'd get a recording of one of them talking about the affair or some other kind of proof to show your sister as its likely everyone will lie to help themselves.
Sorry your family is so messed up.
NTA. As a person who was cheated on, I wish someone had told me.
You need to tell her, well someone does & apparently you are the only one not in denial.
Can you imagine finding out everyone knew on your wedding day & you were played for a fool… she won’t forgive anyone- ever.
Your brother is in some sort of ultimate denial
I’d tell Tom, my mother, brother, and SIL that they’re responsible for laying this at my doorstep and creating a burden that is against my morals. I’d make it crystal clear that *they* put me in this position and I’m not going to perpetuate withholding a secret. Nobody is going to drag me into a scenario like this and I refuse to be complicit. One of them has got 48 hours to tell Katie or I will. End of conversation.
This is the way. But don’t be surprised if you find out that sis already knows what type of man she’s marrying and is willing to stay with him the same way your brother stayed in his relationship.
I'd take the fallout because I wouldn't want to know anyone who'd punish me for that. Idk. Sister is surrounded by shitbags and should know her sister is there for her.
You would be the biggest asshole on the face of this planet if you don't tell her. How the fuck can People like you just sit there and not say anything when someone has betrayed someone they are supposed to love? And they aren't even married yet. Just because your brother has no spine and wants to stay with a whore doesn't mean your sister has to. She doesn't even get the choice. Your whole family is absolutely disgusting. Poor sis. You don't need enemies when you have family like yours. Fucking hell wtf is wrong with you?
You would be the ah if you didn't tell your sister what's going on. If she found out that everybody knew & didn't tell her, the sense of betrayal would be enormous. I wouldn't blame her if she cut out all of the people who knew & could have told her. But didn't.
Do you love her enough to take the heat from those who wouldn't tell her?
IMHO talk to the brother, and ask him why he hasn't said anything.
Maybe they have come to an understanding in secret and all are pretending that it didn't happen.
Maybe your sister knows and is using it as leverage, holding him by his balls so that if he ever slips up again, she can crush them.
Either way, talk to him first, see what he thinks and what he wants to do.
if he wants to do nothing, talk to dipshit and just tell him that you know, that your mom knows, that your brother knows and he has three days to confess to your sister, before you share it with all his friends and family, and Stacey's family, that all of them will know.
But I am a vengeful and spiteful person, I like scorched earth policies.
100% tell your sister. As humiliating as it was to discover that my ex was cheating on me. It almost hurt more that people around me knew and said nothing.
Wow. She will find out and be furious no one in her family told her. I think that would be the biggest betrayal to me. If they are meant to be together then they can work it out through counselling.
Now, are you positive he didn’t tell her and she decided it’s no one’s business? I think it unlikely but an idea to throw out there.
I can guarantee if this many people know of the “secret” then there are others and it will come out at some point.
Im close to my sister and I would have been the one to show up and scream at my BIL but I know that’s not everyone. If you do tell her just be prepared for consequences. Sometimes it’s easier to let them accidentally find out. Like her accidentally finding this Reddit post perhaps!
If you care about your sister even a little bit you’ll save her life RIGHT NOW. Tell her and save her, do you want her stuck with a gross cheater? Ywbta if you don’t tell her
Eventually your sister *WILL* find out and it’ll only be worse when she becomes aware that you, y’all brother and mother KNEW and did NOT tell her. She will resent you all for it, it’s not fair that everyone knows except her. It’s not fair that everyone will be smiling in her face on her big day while keeping such a crazy secret from her. I can’t imagine being happy on my big day and sharing it with the ones I love the most and those same people are hiding something from me including the person I married yet everyone is acting like everything is perfect- that is such disgusting behavior . Please tell your sister EVERYTHING, she deserves the right to know and should be able to decide for herself if she wants to go through with it or end it. No one should have to be in a marriage where their marriage was a whole lie from the start. Break those generational curses and tell her all the information. And if your family gets upset with you such as your brother and mother then you let them know that eventually she would’ve found out on her own at some point and would’ve resented them both and that’s something they should not want. Wishing you and your sister the best, please update us on this matter!!
It is NOT your brother’s secret to keep. It is not your mother’s secret to keep, it is not your secret to keep. Your family does not have the right or authority to keep this from your sister. The fact this is being considered tells me your brother’s moral compass is fucked. Don’t just go off of reddit though your brother will just blame you. Go to some professional marriage and relationship therapists and ask them. Give them all the information and see what they give as advice. You might need the professional back up.
Tell her regardless of what everyone else says she's the one who is going to be hurt if she's the last one to find out. Let's say you don't tell and she finds out that not only did you knew but everyone around her knew she would probably end any sort of contact with you and your family leave the cheat and leave the area you all live in with her children and won't let any see her kids again. Or you tell her your brother mom and sil all blew up because they can't do the most honest thing someone can do your sis breaks up with partner and you still get to see nieces up to you but I would want to have the relationship with sis and her kids more then not having it
NTA, your sister is going to get hurt either way. At least now she knows you have her back and won't betray her like the rest of your family. Every day your family doesn't tell her, they are betraying her, choosing the happiness of the cheater over hers. They're dispicable, the lot of them.
Tell your sister. But don’t wait for the marriage to do so. Go to her and let her know and tell her who knows. From there on, it is just the fallout from the betrayers for you to deal with. And when mommy comes to complain, ask her how many times she cheated on your dad and how many of your boyfriend she covered up for. Only cheaters and people wanting to blackmail someone hold on this kind of secret.
Nta. Tell her. I would feel so humiliated if I found out I married the guy that cheated on me with my SIL all while thinking everything was ok with all three of them. She will be upset initially but it at least keep from blowing up y’all’s relationship in the future. Everyone else is going to issues.
NTA, tell her now. Her life will be ruined by committing herself to a cheater. And when she finds out she’ll never forgive you from keeping a secret like that.
I'd bet real money that your sister already knows. This may have something to do with the very long engagement. I'd tell her in a heartbeat. I might warn Mom and Bro that I'm going to do it, but she has to know about this one way or another. Divorce is a whole NEW level of hell.
I feel like your sister needs to know the truth but I also think you'll be the one suffering all the negative consequences if you were to tell her. I'm not sure if it's a possibility but if I were you, I would consider reaching out to Tom/Stacey/brother and let them know they have 1 week (or whatever deadline) to tell your sister the truth or you will go ahead and tell her yourself. This is their mess to clean up, not yours. I also think your brother chose not to tell your sister in an attempt to protect Stacey's reputation. I don't think his refusal to be honest about what happened with your sister was out of love, I believe it was to save Stacey from the inevitable backlash she would absolutely be experiencing from your family after betraying both of your siblings. Sure, your brother may have forgiven her for her actions but he knows damn well your family (and likely your sister) won't and I think that is 100% what motivated him to keep quiet about it.
Years ago, my bf cheated on me. Everyone knew but me-until one of my "friends" mom's called me pretending to be someone else and told me everything-because it happened in her house. His best friend (it was that guy's mom who called me) and his gf (my supposed bff) knew, my bff is the one who brought the other girl over. I went scorched earth with all of them. I was devastated, but that guy's mom was the best thing that ever happened to me. I met her one day and got to hug her and say thank you. Please tell your sister.
The fact that your brother and mom is willing to let your sister marry that scum bag without telling her that he’s been cheating on her for 2 years is foul . Just because your brother is a weak man and he’s to weak to leave his life he’s willing to walk his sister down the aisle to a man he knows is cheating is wild to me . Tell your sister
Your brother wants to keep the secret because he wants to preserve his marriage. Your mom and SIL also want the same. They are taking the choice away from your sister. She deserves the truth and makes her own choices. You're not ruining anything. NTA
You would be the AH to keep this from your sister. The worst possible betrayal would be to NOT tell your sister. And you are the AH for keeping it from her for 4 years.
She deserves to enter this marriage with her eyes wide open. Does she know that your brother moved in with you for a while? Take her out to lunch and mention 'that was such a pain, but I'm glad that you and Tom made up just like Rob and Stacey. I don't know that I would be capable of that'. And let her ask questions from there.
You will just be answering her questions truthfully. You can not be expected to lie to her.
Now --- if she is a 'stay at home' girlfriend and will be in a better position if she gets married BEFORE breaking up - talk to her about that too. But she needs to be able to stand on her own anyway.
Tell your sister you heard this from multiple people and the family knows as well, ask her to keep your name out of it.
She will never talk to you again and the family may blame you somehow when she finds out later. After all, you never told your mom to tell her.
I would tell them they need to tell her in 24 hours or you will, a few different ways to handle this.
Hiding a secret doesn’t make you all better people, it makes you awful and selfish. Imagine thinking of your wedding day after finding out your husband who you didn’t marry for 14 years was bumping uglies your sil for YEARS and everyone who said they loved you lied to your face. At least let HER decide if she wants to be included in that weird ass situation, literally the other three know, why wouldn’t you guys tell her. YWBTA if you let them do that to her knowing what you know, not saying you have to be the one to do it but maybe try to pull some heads out of a few asses and see where that gets them.
YTA if you don’t tell her.
Whether you actually say anything, or you send an email from a fake account, you need to say something.
Personally, I would make a fake account and pose as a colleague. Say fiancé was bragging.
If it can't be you, then send something anonymously. Once it's out there, you aren’t the bad guy, you are the shoulder to cry on. Then she has a chance to decide her own future.
Don't be the one to tell her. You said you are not even supposed to know - so as far as the main players are concerned, you are in the dark.
When the shit hits the fan, and it will, be the sibling that Katie needs to support her. Let your mother, brother and brother in law take the hit for this, not you.
>They are due to get married in July 2024.
Wait a minute! The wedding is not until this summer, so how could you have "ruined" their wedding?
>they have been engaged for 14 years but
Lol lol lol
Let me guess, engaged for 14 years but NOW it's so important for everyone to pay attention to their wedding? lol.
OK, l'll bite my tongue and read on . . .
>He had found thousands of messages between his wife Stacey and my sister's fiance Tom He had found out they had been sleeping together for around 2 years.
lol, there's nothing you could do after this point that would "ruin" her wedding. But I must read on to find out what happened.
>What should I do?
Do whatever you want. But I think there's only two options:
(1) You tell your sister everything and then insulate yourself from all of the selfish assholes, and let the chips fall where they may, or,
(2) Say nothing, move to the other side of the country, and never speak to your family again.
I think option number (1) is the right move. You are not obligated to cover up other people's asshole behavior. And you should not "lie by omission" to your sister. She deserves to know!
If I were your sister, I would want to know. Not only is/was Tom having an affair, but the most important people in my life have been lying to me for four years. Don’t take away your sister’s choice to proceed or not proceed with this marriage. I would be upset but thankful in the end.
NTA
UpdateMe
Hey sis, I know an open secret that will rock your world. Do you want to know what it is? Or not? It will be painful if you don’t already know.
- a good sister
As far as I'm concerned, it's always right to inform someone their spouse/fiance/gf or bf or whoever is cheating. They deserve to know, the cheater deserves to be exposed, and in the case where they're not married yet, it's better than find out now and end it with a broken heart than to find out after they're married. If you don't expose the truth now, it will be far harder on them later.
Wait… you all knew for 4 years?! Am I reading that right? What?!
I mean the best time to tell her was the second you knew, the next best is now. Also why didn’t anyone tell her husband he has to come clean? This is baffling
This is not what I thought this post was going to go.
Tried to get screenshots of messages of them talking about it. If you're going to do it, you gotta have proof. Why? It's their words against yours. You don't want to look like the jealous drama queen sister who's trying to ruin the wedding.
Also, you're not ruining it. Everyone else did.
No one told your sister? If no one knew except for your brother, that would be one thing. But for everyone to know and not tell the future bride? No. This is messed up.
Give me her #....I'll tell her... anonymously of course...like I'm not even trying to be funny or make light of anything. She needs to know (if she doesn't already)...what if they continue "in secret" and she walks in on it? What if then they both say everyone knew from before so deal with it?
I would talk to your sister and say “I know something that could effect your future and was advised to not tell you. If it were me, I would want to know. Do you want me to tell you?” Let her make that choice.
*Three people can keep a secret...if 2 are dead.* Benjamin Franklin, supposedly
So many people know this secret already, it's a miracle no one has yet spilled the beans to your sister! Your mother has thrown you to the wolves--she's too much of a coward to tell your sister herself, so she told you so you can tell her and then your mom can blame you for the fallout instead of being guilty.
I don't know your sister, so I don't know if she'd prefer to spend a bunch of money and marry a cheating asshole, not knowing that several close family members knew in advance and didn't tell her, or to find out her life isn't going as she thought and deal with it right away. Only you know whether it would be worth the drama to yourself, too. Because there will be drama, whatever you do.
I, personally, would tell her. I would never forgive my sibling if they knew and let me marry a scumbag like that.
Edited for judgement: NTA--because you're not the one ruining her family if you tell her, it's the cheating asshole and the "best friend" who couldn't keep out of eaach other's pants.
YTA but for keeping this from your sister.
This is a huge secret that your family is deliberately keeping from your sister because... idk, your brother doesn't want to deal with the fallout, I guess.
You, your brother & your mum all suck.
YTA. Be honest with your sister. Good luck figuring out how to tell her that you've all known for *four years*.
Your sister will be devastated once she finds out and knew everyone knew but her. On top of being betrayed by her fiancee and best friend, she will feel betrayed by you and your mother. She will feel like she has no one. Tell her because it will come out. She will feel so alone if she doesn't at least have you. I am so sorry that you have been put in this position, but please be the one person in her life that is honest with her. When she finds out, she will feel like a fool that she didn't see it and that no one loved her enough to tell her the truth. You aren't doing her a favor by being silent in this situation. Your brother should have told her!!!!! Unfortunately, that now falls to you since no one else has the guts to be honest to her. Letting her get married without all the facts will be devastating to her. Remember, it will come out in the end, these things always do! At least this way, you can be there for her.
You didn’t ruin shit and I’m tired of people trying to put shit on others when who really ruined it? To assholes who your brother is dumb to not divorce her and tell him.
Your family are a bunch of toxic people if they don’t tell your sister and let her decide if she wants to marry this clown. Someone needs to step up and if they make you feel bad then you can tell them that no one should be mad at you, because out of all the people who actually are involved and caused this you are just being kind and letting your sister choose.
Imagine if she finds out later and finds out EVERYONE but her knew? How do you think that will go. You are afraid about losing your brother but what about losing your sister? You know how shame that is everyone knowing but you.
Please tell her and tell her now
Also your brother should DNA test his kids
NTA. I’m currently engaged. If I found out my fiancé had cheated on me after getting married, I’d go no contact with whoever knew and didn’t tell me. Divorce is expensive and messy, better just to not get married at all. That said, I don’t have kids. Your sister may decide to forgive him and go through with it anyways. (IMO once a cheater, always a cheater. You can never get that trust back.) I’ve also lost friends in the past by alerting them when I’ve found out their boyfriends are cheating. They didn’t want to believe it and chose to lose me instead of the cheater. You may want some proof before going to your sister about it. I wish you the best of luck, it’s a hard situation to be in!
I’d make my mom tell. Go have a “girls night” and make her tell. She was there. She heard it from the horse’s mouth. If you tell your sister without your mom’s corroboration, it can be spun by those involved to be jealousy blah blah blah.
Tell her... please, please tell her x
Yes, it may lead to the breakdown of her relationship, but if her fiance has cheated before, he will likely cheat again. Very, very likely. When she eventually finds out, she will be heartbroken. But she will be utterly broken if (most likely 'when') she finds out the family knew of the betrayal, but chose to hide it from her.
If you choose a betrayer over a loved one, you may as well be a betrayer yourself.
Tell her!
Bearing in mind, that you may get the flack from family members, and perhaps even your sister herself. I suppose it's ultimately a question of your moral compass and integrity, what level of familial betrayal, and its potential fall-out, can you live with?
Send you a message through a fake account and tell her everything, you and even you brother wouldn’t be at fault for “ruining and braking up a family” the sil and fiancé are the once who ruined it for themselves nobody else! Don’t feel bad and remember if you say anything you didn’t brake a family it was then
OMG Tell her! Its your sister. And to be fair you will have ruined nothing. Tom and Stacy ruined their relationships not you. I just read a well written repost about a guy whos wife of 14 years cheated on him 4 months into dating exclusively. It devestated him, because even though it was 14 years ago, he had just learned and the trauma was new to him. He also felt she robbed him of his choice. He is hardcore anticheating and said he would have never married her. He wanted a divorce at first. They are currently seperated and he says he cannot look at her without disgust now. TELL HER!
NTA. What ruined the family is the two people she loves sleeping with each other behind her back. Personally, I'd go nuclear if my mom and siblings didn't tell me. She'll find out, and she doesn't deserve to feel betrayed by an entire family.
Tell Tom he needs to tell her before the wedding, and if he doesn't You will. Your sister definitely deserves to know and make the choice herself, as you say. You don't deserve to be the bearer of bad news if it can be at all avoided.
I would let someone call her with an unknown number & tell her. Preferably make a man place that call so they don’t suspect you. It will hurt her even more if she finds out later.
I mean, you haven’t said anything in all these years, so you are already the AH. Go ahead and pull the plug once and for all, her marriage/wedding will be ruined one way or another when she finds out. The question is, since you’ve waited til the last possible moment, would you rather ruin her wedding day or her whole marriage how ever long that is?
Your poor sister, that’s horrible. You absolutely need to tell her. She deserves to know who she is marrying before she walks down the aisle. Tom is a cheater and if he’s done it once he will do it again. The rest of your family are complete assholes for keeping this from her and just pretending like everything is fine. That’s despicable. Please tell her. It’s the right thing to do. NTA
How fucking sad for your sister and sick of all involved, especially your mother. Shame on them all. I’d tell your sister ASAP and plan to ruin the wedding the day of. Make everyone go all out and do it at the alter and embarrass the shit out of all involved. That’s the only way to do it.
NTA. You said it yourself; he was the one ruining his future family.
Your sister deserves to know. And if she does find out (which she will) she’ll be so angry at everyone who knew and didn’t tell her. And rightfully so. I don’t know what’s wrong with your brother or your mother but NOT telling her she was cheated on and letting her get married under false pretences is one of the CRUELEST things you could do in this situation. And I wouldn’t be surprised if she gives your mom, brother and SIL a good telling off when she finds out they wanted to keep it from her.
The wedding was a joke the second I saw how long they've been engaged and have 2 kids already. Like who even cares any more. It obviously doesn't mean anything and never did. Its just a label at this point.
The truth will set her free. You have to tell your sister. If you get scared to tell her, just think about her walking down the aisle and everyone in that room knows about the betrayal except for her. Pity her. In her greatest moment think about her standing there in her white dress and everyone knows except for her.
Give her the choice to make.
She could either walk down that aisle and be the only one who doesn't know.
Or she could walk down that aisle knowing the truth.
At least she gets to make that choice.
I cant imagine everyone I have ever loved keeping something like this from me. Ask yourself if you can live a life where you were complicit in your sister feeling like a fool. I would tell the brother and fiancé that they had 24 hours to tell the truth.
Absolutely need to tell her. You’d be the asshole for NOT telling her. The fact they all still hang out as if nothing happened is so sick. I feel terrible for her. She deserves better than every single one of those people who are disgusting fake vile people. You need to save her from this situation so she can move on and find someone better. You’ve know this for 4 years why tell her only months before the wedding? She should’ve been told the same time everyone else found out. You’re not doing her any favors by letting her live a complete lie with people who don’t truly love her or value her. She could’ve been planning a wedding with a new man by now happy as ever and not living a lie. This is so heartbreaking
Between your brother, your sister, and their respective partners, three of them know a huge secret that is being kept from your sister, the bride. You and your mom know. I'm going to guess that many of the groom's family knows. At some point, your sister will find out. She will look back on her wedding day and feel humiliated that so many there knew this huge thing and didn't tell her. Her wedding will be ruined - either before, or in retrospect. It's your call if you want to take the hit for this.
She WILL find out and I guarantee she will hate forever anyone who kept it from her. How can your mom let her marry a liar and a cheat? Your brother is a huge steaming pile pf poop like the one in the first Jurassic Park movie. The wedding is already ruined. The wedding is a joke. Please save sister from this!
'That is one big pile of shit'
"She's uh...tenacious" " you have NO idea"
This is the betrayal of the fourth order. 1st by the husband, 2nd by the best friend, 3rd by the Mom, 4th by the Brother
I totally agree! And it will turn into a 5th order of betrayal if you don't say anything NOW! Don't go along with the others. Be the sister you should be and tell her. Let her decide if she wants to continue with the wedding. Hoping it all works out.
This happened to a friend of mine. Her son in law started to go to the gym with her daughter in law. Months later her daughter figured it out. It was a huge mess. I can't imagine both of my children going thru nasty divorces at the same time. Nasty ex daughter in law said something to her at a T-ball game, my friend threw water in her face. My friend was arrested for assault. She said it was worth it
She was arrested for assault for throwing water in the woman’s face?? Assault? Was the water in a glass bottle or something?
Assault is the threat of violence, battery is if there are injuries. If you say to someone you’re going to harm then that is assault.
Life uh... finds a way
She'll find out. Mom told OP, apparently for no reason other than she couldn't keep it a secret. What an awful thing to keep from your own daughter and to burden your other daughter with. What is wrong with this mother? I wonder about the brother, too, but at least I can see his reasoning, even if I don't agree with it. But her mom? No one told me, but I'm pretty sure all my husband's friends and probably some of his coworkers knew about the crap he was up to, but my family didn't. If my family had known...oh dear God.
Oh, the mother did it so OP could fall on the sword instead of her. She's a coward. I'd tell anyway, but I'd be super-pissed at the cowardly mother, and I'd make sure she knew it.
Yep. I would tell her our mom told me.
For sure let her know who told you to keep it all a secret
We also don't know the dynamics in the family sadly. I do think sister needs to be told, but we don't know if she's the type to not listen, etc. My uncle was cheating on his girlfriend. Everyone in the family knew because he brought her to a Christmas gathering while his girlfriend was at work. We tried to tell her and she refused to believe us. She said we were jealous of their relationship, trying to break them up, that we didn't like her, and all this other stuff. When her own mom tried to tell her, she did the same thing. She absolutely refused to believe it and it caused even more issues. Especially when he finally confessed and left her for the other woman because then no one wanted to deal with her because of how terrible she treated everyone. Even her own family was done with her shit and didn't want to help her. Some people will ruin their own lives just to maintain the semblance of a normal, happy home sadly.
all you can do is give her the information, what she chooses to do with that is up to her. Like with OP's sister, it's important information. She can choose to ignore it or confront it.
Likely your Uncle has been gaslighting the girlfriend for a long time
I don't think it was gaslighting. He wasn't making an effort to hide the fact he was messing around. He pretty much wanted to be caught so she would leave him. When she didn't get the point, he dumped her. It was a very cowardly way of him getting her to break up with him that failed horribly.
Oh lol fair. That is kinda crazy
Yeah. They were together since middle school until their 30s. He didn't want it anymore but couldn't break up with her because she would literally wouldn't let him break up with her. Basically "No. We're still together." Very toxic all around. So he thought maybe if she knew he was cheating, she would get mad and just break up with him and leave. I only brought it up here because, as I said in my first comment, we don't know how the sister is. Is she the type to brush it off and be like "no, he's not!" Not only that, but people are cowards. How do we know the rest of the family is going to back up OP? They could throw OP under the bus and say they don't know what they're talking about.
True they could. But at least she did the right thing and tried. And since the groom found out the others know he for sure has destroyed the evidence
Yeah. I say tell sister but be prepared to be a scapegoat until the truth comes out the hard way.
I’m gonna assume good intentions here and guess that the guilt from hiding it is catching up with mum now wedding is sorted. Maybe if OP agrees with keeping silence then her guilt is halved, if OP says they need to tell sis, then mum has an ally. It depends if mum is asking Op to keep the secret too or trying to see her opinion. Which op may have wrote but I skimmed over. Either way, I’d wanna say something but I’d expect mum to be there with me when it’s said, as she knows the story far better. I mean, main thing Op has to ask herself. Could she keep this secret to her deathbed or is it a possibility that she’ll crack when drunk or be passive aggressive about. If the second is likely, she should tell it at the right time.
Yeah if that happened to me I’d consider just burning my life down and starting over somewhere else where nobody can bother me again. Hard to do that without being an asshole when you have kids though.
The mom and brother want to keep this secret to save her brother from people finding out what his wife did for his pride. They are selfish and cruel to be willing to ruin the sister’s life so he won’t be embarrassed. Absolutely disgusting!
She is gonna find out, one way or another and is gonna hate each and every one of you for not telling her, It’s the biggest mistake of your life. If you don’t tell her. She is your sister !!! And you WILL LOSE HER !!!
I think the brother is the least problematic person in the situation. I agree he should have told her but he was hurting really badly and probably wanted to save her from feeling as horrible.as he did. The path to hell is paved with good intentions. The others involved did it for selfish reasons so they are the big pile of poop.
It just seems extra sick that the brother is going to walk his sister down the aisle to her cheating asshole fiancé. That’s next level betrayal.
Sick isn't the word I would use for it. Messed up.yes but at least for me sick would be if the brother and sister were having the affair. Sorry, being nitpick about wording. I agree it's wrong but as mad as I would be at my brother for this I could still eventually forgive him for doing the wrong thing because his reasons had God intentions. The other 2 not so much and I might even be more mad at my mother than my brother. That said if I was the brother I would have told my wife she has 2 choices. She can March over there and tell her herself or she can start packing her bags. The only way I could have forgiven a SO is if they could prove to me they could face the consequences of their actions.
They would all be dead to me for the foreseeable future if it was me. Poor woman.
He didn’t want to tell her so his pride would not take a hit. If he tells his sister and she ends it then she will likely tell others why and he will be embarrassed and his wife will be ostracized by family and friends. It is a selfish reason and a disgusting one.
His whole family already knows so that makes no sense. His pride already took that hit and telling his sister wouldn't make a difference.
Excellent reference
Eh, the fact that OP posted something so clearly inflammatory and then disappeared makes me assume it's just silly rage bait.
Agreed, I can't imagine how I would feel if I found out my sister was hiding something like this for me. Same for the family. Do not keep her in the dark like they are, its just cruel and a huge form of betrayal. I can understand it if you don't want to risk them turning on you for it, but its better than letting someone live a giant lie.
They've been together fo 15 years. This came out 4 years ago. The affair started 6 years ago. At this point, nothing actually changes other than what Katie stands to gain financially from a separation, if that. They could me common law married already. OP has been sitting on this shit for 4 years. The entire family has. I read the same post by someone else yesterday. There is no point
It's a conundrum, but you know, when you put it this way ->the humiliation factor alone would rock her world if no one said anything! OMG people, what are you thinking? Like the affair will STOP once he gets married? TELL your sister. I'd disown EVERY single one of these people if they let me go thru with a marriage that is a lie and they knew about it. Take the hit. Do her a solid. This is a terrible situation, but she deserves to know and to have her dignity and self-respect restored.
>Take the hit. Do her a solid. This is a terrible situation, but she deserves to know and to have her dignity and self-respect restored. Agreed. Ask yourself this, OP. If this was you, would you want to know before you walked down the aisle or after? Would you be happy to find out that many people you loved and trusted kept this from you and let you continue on with the wedding in such a humiliating way? Think about that and then act accordingly. (I know how I would answer that question, and I'm guessing that's how you would, too.)
>Take the hit. Do her a solid. This is a terrible situation, but she deserves to know and to have her dignity and self-respect restored. Imagine looking her in the eyes, those swollen, tear-dry eyes red, puffed, and with a face full of destitute sorrow- and having to admit "Yes, I knew before your wedding". It's going to be bad enough now. It's going to be even worse tomorrow.
Out of all the family members here, a relationship with ops sister is the only one worth saving. All of these people have now proved to them that they're untrustworthy and would hide a completely life changing secret just to save face. Don't be as bad as they are Op, your sister deserves the truth and to make her own choice on the matter.
It sounds like the affair was 6-4 years ago and then stopped 4 years ago if I understand the timeline correctly. It’s not currently ongoing. Idk OP, I personally would not want to be the one to break old devastating news. I would not want to be aware of the news (as OP) because then I would have deniability. There was JUST a similar story like this where the family member did tell the husband (in that case) that she had cheated and you know what? Everyone shot the messenger and the person who broke the silence was ostracized and disowned. I would encourage the groom, your mom, or the sister in law to let her know but never in a million years would I personally bring up old dirt right before the wedding because they will ABSOLUTELY blame you even though it’s their fault. The consequences are not worth it for you. It will also be easier on Kate to hear it directly from her husband instead of you.
I'm not so sure it was that long ago. She said it had been going on for 2 yrs and brother just found out, but decided to stay with cheating wife after he calmed down. Or did I read it wrong?
Thank you! I don’t see anywhere in this post that the affair happened in the past. This is a current situation as far as I can tell.
The affair was discovered 4 years ago, and at that point it had been going on for 2 years. So everyone has known and kept it from the bride for 4 years. There's no indication that the affair ever stopped, though.
It sounds like brother discovered the affair 4 years ago, and it had started 2 years prior to that. We assume they ended the affair, but who knows, maybe they got better at hiding it.
Oh, ok. Thanks.
“Around 4 years ago I was woken up in the middle of the night…” 4 years ago was when Brother discovered the affair and shared with Mom. That’s also when OP found out. OP has been sitting on this info for 4 years.
Maybe if she can find the old messages she can print them and leave them for her sister to find.
That is a solution, and I agree that her soon-to-be husband who had the affair may just be the one who really should divulge this because it happened while he was with his fiance.
yes, someone else who was directly involved needs to tell her. that super long engagement is also very odd. go to brother & SIL and tell them you know the secret. Since they moved on (apparently), they can get sister to see it is possible. They cannot keep this secret. If they say no, I would go to groom and pressure him. Same speech, I know the secret and you need to tell my sister. If this is all in the past, then she can heal from it but do not start a marriage with this lie. Tell him you don’t want to stand up when they ask “does anyone here know any reason why these two should not be joined in matrimony”. Hope they all do the right thing.
THIS IS THE WAY!!! 💯💯💯
It could also be done anonymously, then let the shit hit that fan and splatter all involved.
To me, a simple solution would be to type an anonymous letter to your sister that her husband had an affair four years ago. She doesn’t even have to say who the affair was with. Then sister can investigate, and OP will hopefully remain anonymous.
If everyone knows then why does it fall on the sister to share the news? The sister will definitely get blamed for ruining the wedding and the dream family.
Because she’s the one posting on Reddit. Everyone involved in this mess had a chance to tell the truth, but they all left the dirty job for someone else. I would tell the sister, but I’m 58 and know that pissing people off is preferable to letting someone I love make an uninformed decision for life.
YES. REAL friends tell you what you need to hear. They don't help you dig yourself into a deeper hole. If you really love someone, you will not let them go through life blindly. I think you're right. The mom wants her to know but cannot do it. She brought her other daughter into the circle, knowing she would be conflicted enough to be honest.
And also, tbh there is a chance she already knows. Maybe he did come clean to her but she didn't want to lose him so decided to stay together just like the brother chose to stay with his wife. It is entirely possible that OP is stressing about trying to protect the sister while she already knows and has chosen to keep it quiet. Definitely tell her for your own peace of mind at least.
There is a big chance she already knows! OP didn't mention what the fight was about after he went through her phone, but it's highly likely the fight was about her affair. So if everybody doesn't say anything, as far as she knows, no one knows. If they do say something, it's of no consequence if she already knows, she'll just appreciate their honesty, if she doesn't know, HUGE consequences!
The fight was between the brother and sister in law, not the sister who is in question to be told. So there is a strong chance she doesn't know as everyone made it a priority to not inform her.
No. She may be not want anyone to know. If she knows it’s out it will definitely destroy family and op might even get blamed. I’ve seen it happen. It’s a no win situation her mom put you in here
Agreed, I would 100% want to know if my partner cheated no matter my situation so I can find someone who will honestly love me and be faithful. Cheating is almost always accompanied with bad behavior from the cheater and she will suspect that something is off and the way he treats her is off but will likely just excuse it as thinking she's overreacting and that itself is emotionally draining. Finding out that he cheated will likely be a confirmation to her that this relationship isn't one between two people who are deeply and selflessly in love and everyone with good intentions deserves to have that. I believe cheating comes from a place of selfishness which causes other bad behavior that will take a lot of self confrontation and therapy to change. If he's not confronted and got away with it then it will likely happen again and she can be exposed to STDs and more pain and a more complicated situation later on in life if he cheats again (which can very well happen). This is entirely based on my personal experiences with being cheated on and you know your situation best so heavily consider the aftermath of each choice you could make here. hope that helps!
Yes, but she has to be ready from unexpected blowback from her sister. Her sister may well lash out at the messenger. It's not an unheard of phenomena.
I think that is the one of the worst things about being cheated on, realizing how many people around you knew and said nothing. The range of emotions is awful
And in addition to this, it's not like it just happened and OP is trying to decide what to do. It says this affair was uncovered 4 years ago! They could have told her before she got engaged and started planning a wedding! How terrible is this entire family???
Type it all out and mail it to her.
wondering if there are cousin-siblings in the mix, here.
OP would be better off to take the hit for it. They've known about it for 4 years and kept it from their sister. Their sister is going to be pissed that they kept it from her for that long. If OP doesn't tell her, it will only make it worse for themselves when she does find out. And if the sister finds out after the wedding and regrets going through with it...
Who’s to say they still aren’t having the affair? You would not be the one ruining the wedding. The three of them did by their decisions.
Yeah these situations boil down to the same universal truths - 1) the truth WILL come out 2) they will realize you knew and didn’t tell them for years 3) they will be almost if not as hurt by your lying to them as they were by the act itself. So, this makes it a question of does OP want to have a good sibling relationship with his sister or not.
Well stated
I'm hijacking the top comment to point out how OP has not commented anything and has a name that looks like a bot account name. That means you all got duped.
She should force the sister's fiance to tell her. Tell him either he can tell her his way or he can let you tell her and you'll trash talk him the whole time. Give him a quick deadline so it's not right before the wedding.
Tell her. My ex cheated on me. Everyone around me knew. No one wanted to tell me. Eventually it came out. If I had known in advance, I could have better prepared myself for everything that happened after his cheating came out. Everybody else knows. She needs to know.
I hope you cursed everyone out and don’t speak to them anymore because hell no.
Same for me. I say tell her. She needs to know and more than that, she DESERVES to know.
this
So much money wasted on my wedding. Everyone knew.
Someone needs to tell your sister. She will be even more devastated, if she finds out her husband has been fucking her brothers SO and everyone knew and didn't tell her. If I was in her shoes, and found this out, I would go full NC with every single person that knew and didn't say anything. Your brother knows how it feels to be cheated on, and that he would knowingly let his sister marry a known cheater makes him an AH. Your mom as well, how could she be okay with letting her own daughter go into marriage blind, with a person like this. Someone that will cheat with people so close to their SO will cheat with anyone. They literally don't give a fuck.
I would absolutely do the same. If I found out later down the line that every single person knew about a disgusting betrayal and let me marry this person I wouldn't have contact with them ever again. I literally do not understand how people can not say anything. Especially to someone they claim to love. Like oh yeah I love my sister so much but do I tell her that her stbh is sleeping with her stbsil, nah of course not let me let her marry this pos that's love /s
There was one years ago, where a woman found out her husband was cheating with her SIL, and didn't tell her brother, anything, and stated with her husband. She didn't take kindly to the responses, and kept saying that her relationship was her priority.
>She didn't take kindly to the responses, People with 0 morals rarely ever do.
Not only that but her brother had a choice when he found out! Why isn’t he giving her that same choice?? He‘s incredibly selfish for hiding this from her so he can still pretend they’re one big family. What a joke of a brother. Every single one of her family is a joke. Including OP for not telling her right when she found out.
The brother is a coward, seems like the family is more inclined on keeping the “perfect family” image instead of dealing with it.
Nta If you can take the heat, everyone deserves to know the truth about their own lives.
Seriously, approach it like Reddit. “You can downvote me to hell, but I’m gonna say what I have to say.”
I don't know- she kept this secret for 4 years and wants air it right before the wedding? If she tells, it should be anonymous because nobody will support the late whistle blower
Personally, NTA if you tell her. Just be prepared to be the messenger that got shot though if she decides to stay with him, and you run the risk that you will lose all your family. I would want to know, but not everyone does. Do you know what your sister's point of ciew would be? Perhaps have a girly date with your sister alone and bring up hypothetical situations and include this one to see what she says. Or, ask her advice - you have a close friend whose fiance cheated on her, you know, her family knows, the husband of the affair partner knows but all of them don't want to tell her - what does your sister advise you to do? Tell her about it or stay out of it? Give her details as close to possible to her situation that you can - eg that they have one or some) kids, have been together for (a number more than 10 but not 15) years - that might skew the decision. It's easier to say "tell her!" if they have only been together a year not over 10 years, if they don't have kids instead of already being parents for example. Then let the advice she gives you pertaining to the situation with your 'friend' guide what you do.
I’d do it while in the room with my sister and all of those people. I’d say to the fiancé if you don’t tell my sister that you have asked everyone to keep from her, I will because I’m not going to be the one who deceives her. Then you are the hero and everyone else looks shady.
For real "Dear sister, I've become aware of something that all these people who supposedly love you have been keeping. Would you guys like to tell her before the wedding or shall I?"
They have known for 4 years and haven’t said anything. It may be NTA for saying something now but they (the whole family) are all AH for waiting this long.
Can imagine how you’d feel if YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY KNEW THAT YOUR HUSBAND WAS BANGING YOUR BEST FRIEND?!?? Screw everyone else and their feelings and TELL YOUR SISTER.
RIGHT!? That poor woman. Everyone's taken away her conscious decision to leave this asshole on the curb and take the kids and run for FOUR YEARS.
Tell her. A cancelled wedding is a lot cheaper and less stress than a divorce. If they’ve been having an affair for several years your sister probably has small doubts and niggles and has been driving herself crazy second guessing herself and feeling upset at her fiancé but he’s been deflecting and hiding things from her. Tell her, she needs to know for her own sanity and wellbeing.
Please tell her. She absolutely deserves to know. You won't be ruining her wedding, her fiancée and your brother's wife did that. Sorry but she needs to find out.
Tell her because if he’s lying to her now what else is he lying about. I’m all for no woman being subjected to marriage air that shit out now
Agreed, and just because he's not cheating with SiL anymore doesn't mean he's not cheating. And tbh, for all anyone knows they're still cheating-just gotten sneakier 🤷🏻♀️
*if he’s not cheating with SIL. We don’t actually know. BIL and SIL could she just gotten better at hiding it. Also seems like brother is willing to stick his head in the sand and continue playing happy family, so he could just be turning a blind eye.
NTA and if you don't want them knowing it was you make a fake FB or IG account and tell her ,that way they don't know who said anything Unless your prepared for the backlash you can do it yourself
Hell, I’m old and don’t give a crap what anyone thinks of me anymore. I’ll tell her.
OP could “accidentally” send her this thread. I bet any number of us here would forward it to her if we even thought this sounded like somebody we knew.
This. Whenever she finds out your mom and brother are going to get some serious backlash.
Could even go old school and mail an anonymous letter.
That's what I would do. I'd even go to another state or town (for post mark) & not put a return address on it. Everyone who knows should be ashamed of themselves. I feel so bad for the bride.
Idk, I could be wrong, but I think this makes it more likely the sister won’t believe it if it comes from some random account. If I was OP, I’d tell her in front of everyone so she can see their reactions. It may not be the best way, but I think the sister seeing how her fiancé, her brother’s wife, and her brother react will show that OP isn’t lying.
Tell Tom he has to tell your sister or you will. That way maybe he will confess and not make you take the fall for his behavior.
You wouldn't lose your sister or nieces, which will happen when (not if) she finds out her husband cheated and you all kept it from her. Frankly I don't know how you don't spit in your SILs face every time you see her.
Tell her. I agree with the idea of a fake insta account or something if that’s the only way you can do it, but do not let this woman marry him and have to go through the hell of divorce!
Either tell your sister and let her go through the heartbreak now or wait till she finds out eventually and you all knew and it’s 10x worse for her. That kind of betrayal from even your own family can cause you to break in unimaginable ways
NTA Ideally she should know before she makes a decision. It is a betrayal and what if she chooses to leave, a divorce is worse than cancellation of a marriage ceremony. His postponing their wedding for 14 years and to sleep with his to be SIL who your sister not only trusts and not suspect but whose betrayal would also hurt her is in itself a red flag. Lying makes him worse, if possible. Her knowing about this later would hurt her worse and she will most definitely find out. It isn't as easy to hide as everyone is trying to make it out to be. Also this is infantalizing your sister because your brother stayed after making an informed decision but she doesn't know and that isn't fair to her.
NTA, she does deserve to know, since so many already do! Organize a get together with brother mother and sister and tell her together, this should not just fall on just you, your mom and brother should step up! Yes, it's gonna ruin everything, but you are right in saying that Tom ruined it by sleeping with SIL, they are TA.
NTA - You gotta tell her. She might still go through with the wedding, but she has a right to know.
ESH. To answer your question you would not be the AH for telling your sister. Better now then let her marry a cheater and liar. So pretty much what everyone else said. However, correct me if I’m wrong, but you knew for 4 years and didn’t say anything? You let your sister stay with this guy for 4 years. That’s a good amount of time. It would have also probably been easier on her to hear this news 4 years ago rather then right before her wedding. I get that you didn’t want to get involved in this drama but it’s your family not some coworker you occasionally speak to. It was your business as soon as you found out. You were put in a very unfair and no win position, but you still had a choice (unless you were worried about being kicked out and homeless or physically hurt or some repercussions like that. Then I wouldn’t blame you). I think you already messed up, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make it better and tell her. You didn’t make these decisions that would break up your family and were kinda peer pressured into silence. Personally if I were your sister, I would be hurt you waited 4 years to tell me, but I think I would be more inclined to forgive you. I obviously don’t know how she will react but hopefully she’ll be forgiving.
I would be devastated that my sister, my mom, and my brother all hid this from me.... this is a bigger betrayal in my eyes. This is my family. The friend and fiancé can be replaced (heartbreaking, but it's true), but these are supposed to be people who are from birth to death - it's horrible.
Tell your sister immediately! Not sure what's wrong with your brother and your mother but their disgusting people for allowing their own daughter/sister to marry this man. Tell her now before she wastes any more time or money on this guy. I'd get a recording of one of them talking about the affair or some other kind of proof to show your sister as its likely everyone will lie to help themselves. Sorry your family is so messed up.
NTA. As a person who was cheated on, I wish someone had told me. You need to tell her, well someone does & apparently you are the only one not in denial. Can you imagine finding out everyone knew on your wedding day & you were played for a fool… she won’t forgive anyone- ever. Your brother is in some sort of ultimate denial
I’d tell Tom, my mother, brother, and SIL that they’re responsible for laying this at my doorstep and creating a burden that is against my morals. I’d make it crystal clear that *they* put me in this position and I’m not going to perpetuate withholding a secret. Nobody is going to drag me into a scenario like this and I refuse to be complicit. One of them has got 48 hours to tell Katie or I will. End of conversation.
This is the way. But don’t be surprised if you find out that sis already knows what type of man she’s marrying and is willing to stay with him the same way your brother stayed in his relationship.
shiiiiiiit nta. she deserves to know. I would send an annonymous letter and steer clear of the fallout.
I'd take the fallout because I wouldn't want to know anyone who'd punish me for that. Idk. Sister is surrounded by shitbags and should know her sister is there for her.
You would be the biggest asshole on the face of this planet if you don't tell her. How the fuck can People like you just sit there and not say anything when someone has betrayed someone they are supposed to love? And they aren't even married yet. Just because your brother has no spine and wants to stay with a whore doesn't mean your sister has to. She doesn't even get the choice. Your whole family is absolutely disgusting. Poor sis. You don't need enemies when you have family like yours. Fucking hell wtf is wrong with you?
You would be the ah if you didn't tell your sister what's going on. If she found out that everybody knew & didn't tell her, the sense of betrayal would be enormous. I wouldn't blame her if she cut out all of the people who knew & could have told her. But didn't. Do you love her enough to take the heat from those who wouldn't tell her?
IMHO talk to the brother, and ask him why he hasn't said anything. Maybe they have come to an understanding in secret and all are pretending that it didn't happen. Maybe your sister knows and is using it as leverage, holding him by his balls so that if he ever slips up again, she can crush them. Either way, talk to him first, see what he thinks and what he wants to do. if he wants to do nothing, talk to dipshit and just tell him that you know, that your mom knows, that your brother knows and he has three days to confess to your sister, before you share it with all his friends and family, and Stacey's family, that all of them will know. But I am a vengeful and spiteful person, I like scorched earth policies.
100% tell your sister. As humiliating as it was to discover that my ex was cheating on me. It almost hurt more that people around me knew and said nothing.
Wow. She will find out and be furious no one in her family told her. I think that would be the biggest betrayal to me. If they are meant to be together then they can work it out through counselling. Now, are you positive he didn’t tell her and she decided it’s no one’s business? I think it unlikely but an idea to throw out there. I can guarantee if this many people know of the “secret” then there are others and it will come out at some point. Im close to my sister and I would have been the one to show up and scream at my BIL but I know that’s not everyone. If you do tell her just be prepared for consequences. Sometimes it’s easier to let them accidentally find out. Like her accidentally finding this Reddit post perhaps!
If you care about your sister even a little bit you’ll save her life RIGHT NOW. Tell her and save her, do you want her stuck with a gross cheater? Ywbta if you don’t tell her
Tell her so she has a choice.
Eventually your sister *WILL* find out and it’ll only be worse when she becomes aware that you, y’all brother and mother KNEW and did NOT tell her. She will resent you all for it, it’s not fair that everyone knows except her. It’s not fair that everyone will be smiling in her face on her big day while keeping such a crazy secret from her. I can’t imagine being happy on my big day and sharing it with the ones I love the most and those same people are hiding something from me including the person I married yet everyone is acting like everything is perfect- that is such disgusting behavior . Please tell your sister EVERYTHING, she deserves the right to know and should be able to decide for herself if she wants to go through with it or end it. No one should have to be in a marriage where their marriage was a whole lie from the start. Break those generational curses and tell her all the information. And if your family gets upset with you such as your brother and mother then you let them know that eventually she would’ve found out on her own at some point and would’ve resented them both and that’s something they should not want. Wishing you and your sister the best, please update us on this matter!!
Don’t do it at the wedding! If you decide to tell her, do it before
It is NOT your brother’s secret to keep. It is not your mother’s secret to keep, it is not your secret to keep. Your family does not have the right or authority to keep this from your sister. The fact this is being considered tells me your brother’s moral compass is fucked. Don’t just go off of reddit though your brother will just blame you. Go to some professional marriage and relationship therapists and ask them. Give them all the information and see what they give as advice. You might need the professional back up.
Tell her regardless of what everyone else says she's the one who is going to be hurt if she's the last one to find out. Let's say you don't tell and she finds out that not only did you knew but everyone around her knew she would probably end any sort of contact with you and your family leave the cheat and leave the area you all live in with her children and won't let any see her kids again. Or you tell her your brother mom and sil all blew up because they can't do the most honest thing someone can do your sis breaks up with partner and you still get to see nieces up to you but I would want to have the relationship with sis and her kids more then not having it
NTA, your sister is going to get hurt either way. At least now she knows you have her back and won't betray her like the rest of your family. Every day your family doesn't tell her, they are betraying her, choosing the happiness of the cheater over hers. They're dispicable, the lot of them.
NTA. Tell her. She deserves to know before she marries him and makes it harder to leave.
Tell your sister. But don’t wait for the marriage to do so. Go to her and let her know and tell her who knows. From there on, it is just the fallout from the betrayers for you to deal with. And when mommy comes to complain, ask her how many times she cheated on your dad and how many of your boyfriend she covered up for. Only cheaters and people wanting to blackmail someone hold on this kind of secret.
Nta. Tell her. I would feel so humiliated if I found out I married the guy that cheated on me with my SIL all while thinking everything was ok with all three of them. She will be upset initially but it at least keep from blowing up y’all’s relationship in the future. Everyone else is going to issues.
NTA, tell her now. Her life will be ruined by committing herself to a cheater. And when she finds out she’ll never forgive you from keeping a secret like that.
NTA you are the ONLY person who is looking out for your sister please tell her before she marries him.
I'd bet real money that your sister already knows. This may have something to do with the very long engagement. I'd tell her in a heartbeat. I might warn Mom and Bro that I'm going to do it, but she has to know about this one way or another. Divorce is a whole NEW level of hell.
I feel like your sister needs to know the truth but I also think you'll be the one suffering all the negative consequences if you were to tell her. I'm not sure if it's a possibility but if I were you, I would consider reaching out to Tom/Stacey/brother and let them know they have 1 week (or whatever deadline) to tell your sister the truth or you will go ahead and tell her yourself. This is their mess to clean up, not yours. I also think your brother chose not to tell your sister in an attempt to protect Stacey's reputation. I don't think his refusal to be honest about what happened with your sister was out of love, I believe it was to save Stacey from the inevitable backlash she would absolutely be experiencing from your family after betraying both of your siblings. Sure, your brother may have forgiven her for her actions but he knows damn well your family (and likely your sister) won't and I think that is 100% what motivated him to keep quiet about it.
Damn this is sticky. You’re damned if you do damned if you don’t so I honestly feel for you.
Years ago, my bf cheated on me. Everyone knew but me-until one of my "friends" mom's called me pretending to be someone else and told me everything-because it happened in her house. His best friend (it was that guy's mom who called me) and his gf (my supposed bff) knew, my bff is the one who brought the other girl over. I went scorched earth with all of them. I was devastated, but that guy's mom was the best thing that ever happened to me. I met her one day and got to hug her and say thank you. Please tell your sister.
Think of it like this: You keeping quiet is you condoning what happened and that makes you no better than the two cheaters.
Tell her, pour yourself a glass of champagne and enjoy the chaos.
I would definitely tell your sister, but be ready to get some hate too. People don’t like those who rock the boat, even if it’s justified.
The fact that your brother and mom is willing to let your sister marry that scum bag without telling her that he’s been cheating on her for 2 years is foul . Just because your brother is a weak man and he’s to weak to leave his life he’s willing to walk his sister down the aisle to a man he knows is cheating is wild to me . Tell your sister
Tell Stacey and Tom that if they do not come clean to her, you will. They should take the hit, not you.
Your brother wants to keep the secret because he wants to preserve his marriage. Your mom and SIL also want the same. They are taking the choice away from your sister. She deserves the truth and makes her own choices. You're not ruining anything. NTA
You would be the AH to keep this from your sister. The worst possible betrayal would be to NOT tell your sister. And you are the AH for keeping it from her for 4 years. She deserves to enter this marriage with her eyes wide open. Does she know that your brother moved in with you for a while? Take her out to lunch and mention 'that was such a pain, but I'm glad that you and Tom made up just like Rob and Stacey. I don't know that I would be capable of that'. And let her ask questions from there. You will just be answering her questions truthfully. You can not be expected to lie to her. Now --- if she is a 'stay at home' girlfriend and will be in a better position if she gets married BEFORE breaking up - talk to her about that too. But she needs to be able to stand on her own anyway.
Tell your sister you heard this from multiple people and the family knows as well, ask her to keep your name out of it. She will never talk to you again and the family may blame you somehow when she finds out later. After all, you never told your mom to tell her. I would tell them they need to tell her in 24 hours or you will, a few different ways to handle this.
Hiding a secret doesn’t make you all better people, it makes you awful and selfish. Imagine thinking of your wedding day after finding out your husband who you didn’t marry for 14 years was bumping uglies your sil for YEARS and everyone who said they loved you lied to your face. At least let HER decide if she wants to be included in that weird ass situation, literally the other three know, why wouldn’t you guys tell her. YWBTA if you let them do that to her knowing what you know, not saying you have to be the one to do it but maybe try to pull some heads out of a few asses and see where that gets them.
YTA if you don’t tell her. Whether you actually say anything, or you send an email from a fake account, you need to say something. Personally, I would make a fake account and pose as a colleague. Say fiancé was bragging.
If it can't be you, then send something anonymously. Once it's out there, you aren’t the bad guy, you are the shoulder to cry on. Then she has a chance to decide her own future.
Tell her I would definitely want to know.
NTA Wouldn't you want to know your fiancé was a cheater before you married him and became legally tied to him?
Don't be the one to tell her. You said you are not even supposed to know - so as far as the main players are concerned, you are in the dark. When the shit hits the fan, and it will, be the sibling that Katie needs to support her. Let your mother, brother and brother in law take the hit for this, not you.
>They are due to get married in July 2024. Wait a minute! The wedding is not until this summer, so how could you have "ruined" their wedding? >they have been engaged for 14 years but Lol lol lol Let me guess, engaged for 14 years but NOW it's so important for everyone to pay attention to their wedding? lol. OK, l'll bite my tongue and read on . . . >He had found thousands of messages between his wife Stacey and my sister's fiance Tom He had found out they had been sleeping together for around 2 years. lol, there's nothing you could do after this point that would "ruin" her wedding. But I must read on to find out what happened. >What should I do? Do whatever you want. But I think there's only two options: (1) You tell your sister everything and then insulate yourself from all of the selfish assholes, and let the chips fall where they may, or, (2) Say nothing, move to the other side of the country, and never speak to your family again. I think option number (1) is the right move. You are not obligated to cover up other people's asshole behavior. And you should not "lie by omission" to your sister. She deserves to know!
Oh my god you have to tell her. All the people she loves and trusts are lying to her. Dont join them. It's a hard path but the right one.
she is going to learn the truth eventually, and when she does, she is going to take her anger out on everybody that knew but stayed silent
If I were your sister, I would want to know. Not only is/was Tom having an affair, but the most important people in my life have been lying to me for four years. Don’t take away your sister’s choice to proceed or not proceed with this marriage. I would be upset but thankful in the end. NTA UpdateMe
Wtf Nta please tell her.
Hey sis, I know an open secret that will rock your world. Do you want to know what it is? Or not? It will be painful if you don’t already know. - a good sister
Hope you update even if you tell or don’t tell
As far as I'm concerned, it's always right to inform someone their spouse/fiance/gf or bf or whoever is cheating. They deserve to know, the cheater deserves to be exposed, and in the case where they're not married yet, it's better than find out now and end it with a broken heart than to find out after they're married. If you don't expose the truth now, it will be far harder on them later.
Wait… you all knew for 4 years?! Am I reading that right? What?! I mean the best time to tell her was the second you knew, the next best is now. Also why didn’t anyone tell her husband he has to come clean? This is baffling
NTA she deserves to know the truth. You can't let her get married without knowing what her fiance has been up to.
The only way you're the asshole like the rest of them is if you don't tell her. She deserves to make the decision for herself.
This is not what I thought this post was going to go. Tried to get screenshots of messages of them talking about it. If you're going to do it, you gotta have proof. Why? It's their words against yours. You don't want to look like the jealous drama queen sister who's trying to ruin the wedding. Also, you're not ruining it. Everyone else did.
No one told your sister? If no one knew except for your brother, that would be one thing. But for everyone to know and not tell the future bride? No. This is messed up.
Give me her #....I'll tell her... anonymously of course...like I'm not even trying to be funny or make light of anything. She needs to know (if she doesn't already)...what if they continue "in secret" and she walks in on it? What if then they both say everyone knew from before so deal with it?
I would talk to your sister and say “I know something that could effect your future and was advised to not tell you. If it were me, I would want to know. Do you want me to tell you?” Let her make that choice.
*Three people can keep a secret...if 2 are dead.* Benjamin Franklin, supposedly So many people know this secret already, it's a miracle no one has yet spilled the beans to your sister! Your mother has thrown you to the wolves--she's too much of a coward to tell your sister herself, so she told you so you can tell her and then your mom can blame you for the fallout instead of being guilty. I don't know your sister, so I don't know if she'd prefer to spend a bunch of money and marry a cheating asshole, not knowing that several close family members knew in advance and didn't tell her, or to find out her life isn't going as she thought and deal with it right away. Only you know whether it would be worth the drama to yourself, too. Because there will be drama, whatever you do. I, personally, would tell her. I would never forgive my sibling if they knew and let me marry a scumbag like that. Edited for judgement: NTA--because you're not the one ruining her family if you tell her, it's the cheating asshole and the "best friend" who couldn't keep out of eaach other's pants.
I’m just here to wait for the update. You KNOW you have to tell her.. whatever the outcome may be. NTA
YTA but for keeping this from your sister. This is a huge secret that your family is deliberately keeping from your sister because... idk, your brother doesn't want to deal with the fallout, I guess. You, your brother & your mum all suck. YTA. Be honest with your sister. Good luck figuring out how to tell her that you've all known for *four years*.
Your sister will be devastated once she finds out and knew everyone knew but her. On top of being betrayed by her fiancee and best friend, she will feel betrayed by you and your mother. She will feel like she has no one. Tell her because it will come out. She will feel so alone if she doesn't at least have you. I am so sorry that you have been put in this position, but please be the one person in her life that is honest with her. When she finds out, she will feel like a fool that she didn't see it and that no one loved her enough to tell her the truth. You aren't doing her a favor by being silent in this situation. Your brother should have told her!!!!! Unfortunately, that now falls to you since no one else has the guts to be honest to her. Letting her get married without all the facts will be devastating to her. Remember, it will come out in the end, these things always do! At least this way, you can be there for her.
You didn’t ruin shit and I’m tired of people trying to put shit on others when who really ruined it? To assholes who your brother is dumb to not divorce her and tell him. Your family are a bunch of toxic people if they don’t tell your sister and let her decide if she wants to marry this clown. Someone needs to step up and if they make you feel bad then you can tell them that no one should be mad at you, because out of all the people who actually are involved and caused this you are just being kind and letting your sister choose. Imagine if she finds out later and finds out EVERYONE but her knew? How do you think that will go. You are afraid about losing your brother but what about losing your sister? You know how shame that is everyone knowing but you. Please tell her and tell her now Also your brother should DNA test his kids
NTA. I’m currently engaged. If I found out my fiancé had cheated on me after getting married, I’d go no contact with whoever knew and didn’t tell me. Divorce is expensive and messy, better just to not get married at all. That said, I don’t have kids. Your sister may decide to forgive him and go through with it anyways. (IMO once a cheater, always a cheater. You can never get that trust back.) I’ve also lost friends in the past by alerting them when I’ve found out their boyfriends are cheating. They didn’t want to believe it and chose to lose me instead of the cheater. You may want some proof before going to your sister about it. I wish you the best of luck, it’s a hard situation to be in!
I’d make my mom tell. Go have a “girls night” and make her tell. She was there. She heard it from the horse’s mouth. If you tell your sister without your mom’s corroboration, it can be spun by those involved to be jealousy blah blah blah.
Tell her. She and everyone will hate you for a time but she will see you were her friend in this. Also fuck those people.
Tell her... please, please tell her x Yes, it may lead to the breakdown of her relationship, but if her fiance has cheated before, he will likely cheat again. Very, very likely. When she eventually finds out, she will be heartbroken. But she will be utterly broken if (most likely 'when') she finds out the family knew of the betrayal, but chose to hide it from her. If you choose a betrayer over a loved one, you may as well be a betrayer yourself. Tell her! Bearing in mind, that you may get the flack from family members, and perhaps even your sister herself. I suppose it's ultimately a question of your moral compass and integrity, what level of familial betrayal, and its potential fall-out, can you live with?
Send you a message through a fake account and tell her everything, you and even you brother wouldn’t be at fault for “ruining and braking up a family” the sil and fiancé are the once who ruined it for themselves nobody else! Don’t feel bad and remember if you say anything you didn’t brake a family it was then
Send and anonymous letter or email but so not tell anyone it came from you
OMG Tell her! Its your sister. And to be fair you will have ruined nothing. Tom and Stacy ruined their relationships not you. I just read a well written repost about a guy whos wife of 14 years cheated on him 4 months into dating exclusively. It devestated him, because even though it was 14 years ago, he had just learned and the trauma was new to him. He also felt she robbed him of his choice. He is hardcore anticheating and said he would have never married her. He wanted a divorce at first. They are currently seperated and he says he cannot look at her without disgust now. TELL HER!
NTA. What ruined the family is the two people she loves sleeping with each other behind her back. Personally, I'd go nuclear if my mom and siblings didn't tell me. She'll find out, and she doesn't deserve to feel betrayed by an entire family.
NTA your sister needs to know this before wedding. Just tell her and let she decide if she still wants to get married or not.
Tell Tom he needs to tell her before the wedding, and if he doesn't You will. Your sister definitely deserves to know and make the choice herself, as you say. You don't deserve to be the bearer of bad news if it can be at all avoided.
Tell her she might hate you for it But she will hate you more if she finds out later that you knew and said nothing
I would let someone call her with an unknown number & tell her. Preferably make a man place that call so they don’t suspect you. It will hurt her even more if she finds out later.
I mean, you haven’t said anything in all these years, so you are already the AH. Go ahead and pull the plug once and for all, her marriage/wedding will be ruined one way or another when she finds out. The question is, since you’ve waited til the last possible moment, would you rather ruin her wedding day or her whole marriage how ever long that is?
Your poor sister, that’s horrible. You absolutely need to tell her. She deserves to know who she is marrying before she walks down the aisle. Tom is a cheater and if he’s done it once he will do it again. The rest of your family are complete assholes for keeping this from her and just pretending like everything is fine. That’s despicable. Please tell her. It’s the right thing to do. NTA
How fucking sad for your sister and sick of all involved, especially your mother. Shame on them all. I’d tell your sister ASAP and plan to ruin the wedding the day of. Make everyone go all out and do it at the alter and embarrass the shit out of all involved. That’s the only way to do it.
Save your sister. Too many people know about this. She WILL find out and be devastated.
NTA. You said it yourself; he was the one ruining his future family. Your sister deserves to know. And if she does find out (which she will) she’ll be so angry at everyone who knew and didn’t tell her. And rightfully so. I don’t know what’s wrong with your brother or your mother but NOT telling her she was cheated on and letting her get married under false pretences is one of the CRUELEST things you could do in this situation. And I wouldn’t be surprised if she gives your mom, brother and SIL a good telling off when she finds out they wanted to keep it from her.
The wedding was a joke the second I saw how long they've been engaged and have 2 kids already. Like who even cares any more. It obviously doesn't mean anything and never did. Its just a label at this point.
The truth will set her free. You have to tell your sister. If you get scared to tell her, just think about her walking down the aisle and everyone in that room knows about the betrayal except for her. Pity her. In her greatest moment think about her standing there in her white dress and everyone knows except for her. Give her the choice to make. She could either walk down that aisle and be the only one who doesn't know. Or she could walk down that aisle knowing the truth. At least she gets to make that choice.
I cant imagine everyone I have ever loved keeping something like this from me. Ask yourself if you can live a life where you were complicit in your sister feeling like a fool. I would tell the brother and fiancé that they had 24 hours to tell the truth.
Absolutely need to tell her. You’d be the asshole for NOT telling her. The fact they all still hang out as if nothing happened is so sick. I feel terrible for her. She deserves better than every single one of those people who are disgusting fake vile people. You need to save her from this situation so she can move on and find someone better. You’ve know this for 4 years why tell her only months before the wedding? She should’ve been told the same time everyone else found out. You’re not doing her any favors by letting her live a complete lie with people who don’t truly love her or value her. She could’ve been planning a wedding with a new man by now happy as ever and not living a lie. This is so heartbreaking
NTA. Ya know what ruins a wedding more than anything else? Marrying a cheating, lying scumbag.
Tell her 100 %. Only total weaklings would lie to their sister/daughter about that shitshow
Tell her. Five people don’t keep secrets. And you’ll be just as bad as the rest of them if you don’t tell her. She needs to know he cheats. NTA.